Winter 2025 FTF Recaps

Unchartered Poster Joined: May 20, 2023 Posts: 25

Here were the winners in the Winter 2025 FTF in Tempe:

200: Littlest Tyrant TMM AB/Miffed Sandy TMM AB
201: Master Plan HW AB/Lucian Adams Anarchist AB
202: Efficient HW AB/Worth The Effort TMM LU
203: Dr. Girlfriend TMM AB/*RJ DMobster LU
204: Royal HW AB/Burden Tofu HW BA
205: The Mack HW AB/Exterminator HW TP
206: Sleeper Devil DMobster LU/Swamp Donkey Doc Steele LU
207: Samnite MrMojo ST/Catalano Obregon WS
208: Repressive Manners Vlad SL/Cabron Obregon SL
209: Spirit Stick Riff Raff ST/Permiana Mgrr ST
210: Clawback Doc Steele SL/Bubba SL

-- Obregon

Unchartered Poster Joined: May 20, 2023 Posts: 25

As for me, it was my best tourney so far:

Rooks: 2 TVs (both WS)
Inits: Runner Up (SL),TV/SM (PL, TP), 2 TVs (PL, SL), 1 SM (BA)
Adepts: Runner Up/SM (WS), 2 TVs (ST, AB)
Champs: 2 SMs (PS, PL)

My first ever chair(s) in a Face were exciting and painful all at once. Riff-Raff was charging the defibrillator paddles once or twice. The RUs were bittersweet, made better by the fact that the losses to Vlad and Mojo, fellow TEABAGgers. Lessons learned!

In the Initiates title fight, Vlad's slasher was faster than my CABRON, and that was that. My warrior had fought (and lost to) the same warrior earlier, though as my warrior had beaten one of his other slashers, I thought there was a shot. No such luck.

In the Adepts class, Mojo's striker SAMNITE and my WS CATALANO dueled twice in a row for all the marbles. Round 1 was mine, but in the deciding match Mojo's warrior's sustained offense was just too much.

In hindsight, perhaps my "TEABAG ME DADDY!" shirt was a bit too on the nose. Big salute to my allies!

The overall record was under .500, with 10 kills and a few more than that dead! But I'm happy with my progress since returning in April 2023, even if my warrior-picker is a bit fiddly.

Other highlights:

* The tourney was fairly well attended despite missing the MN crew (AA), Howling Wolf, Bubba, Assur, OAB, Tripwire, Madwand, and tDO, though many were proxied. I believe a couple of the Frothingsloshers came by on Saturday as well.
* Technical glitches were seemingly improved from MN, though there were delays in Bloodgames and a round or two was rerun here and there. Fortunately no title matches had to be rerun.
* Saturday was my (now-usual) trainwreck of attempting to get changes in for my warriors whilst managing other duties. I boldly held the "Most-Scolded-by-Sandy" title for all of Saturday, being called up at least a dozen times for poor penmanship, bad ID#s, and other managerial snafus.
* It was nice to meet some of the returning players: Emu and Jim (and Jim's son Bradley) all got a little taste of tourney glory! I didn't get to chat with Pauly or Hombre but they were there as well. As this was my third FTF in a row, it was good to sort of be in the flow and feel a part of it all. I had breakfast with Neon and he was gracious as usual.
* Doc Steele was a force of nature, managing two title fights while trying to deal with the Eagles being in the playoffs at the same time. What a conundrum! In the end, he went 1-1 in the chair and the Eagles advanced, so he seemed happy. That, my friends, is a superfan.
* Mgrr's tourney included a RU (in a two-round affair with Riff-Raff's winner, SPIRIT STICK, that I got to read), made more harrowing by the fact that there was no sharpener for his lucky RSI pencil until Lee came to the rescue! He was soon scribbling and stamping "SAME" with wild abandon!
* AD tourneys featured the usual winners doing well -- TMM and HW securing multiple chairs (Howling Wolf had 4 TCs!!), though as HW was being proxied, his esteemed kin stood (or sat) for him. As the prize was favorites potions, it would appear HW is stocked for years to come.
* Big shout-out to Bubba for his Rookies RU against Doc Steele's man. Having fought Bubba's LU (not a SL as it says below) multiple times in the tourney, I can painfully attest to his warrior's mettle. Way to go Bubba!

Unchartered Poster Joined: May 20, 2023 Posts: 25

to be clear, Bubba's Rookies RU is a Lunger, not a Slasher. I'd copied/pasted that list from Chatzy.

Posted: Tue Jan 28, 2025 2:17 am

Great write-up! Thanks ........................

Master Poster Joined: Jul 15, 2014 Posts: 238

Welcome to the Duelmasters 2K25 3rd Annual Tempe Invitational Monday Morning Tourney Quarterback (2K253ATIMMTQB+)! Blood was shed on the sands of both Alastari and the Dobson Ranch Golf Club. And, believe you me, people were absolutely murdered at both venues. Let’s go to the tapes!

Quotes of the week

“I didn’t know you back then, when you were actually in your prime.” -- Riff Raff to Doc Steele

It’s time to officially acknowledge something that has been achingly apparent to all, even if it has, to date, remained unspoken. Or to, as they often quip in politics, “say the quiet part out loud.” Over the years, tourney dominance has evolved as skillsets have expanded, contracted, gone soft from disuse or even left the contest all together. If one were to critically examine the quantification of that dominance, or lack thereof, telling that story in terms of the ever-shifting alliances of managers on the ascent and downslope of prowess makes for an easy, if humorous, vehicle. Sort of like the Ford Pinto.

The Brotherhood of the Blade, or BoBs, may at some point have been relevant but, nowadays, they are more like the Kneel and BoBs. The Alloyed Axes, or whatever the AA call themselves, has never been relevant. On top of that, and to bring this full circle, any legitimacy the AA might have had probably departed with the distinguished gentleman Dameon Darhkeart when defected to join the BoBs. The Iron Council, if they were ever a force with which to be reckoned, are no longer but perhaps are beginning the journey of rebirth.

Which brings us to Lesion X and Riff Raff’s quote. Perhaps once feared back in the days when men were men and sheep were scared, they are now, at best, a shadow of themselves. A sad, cringeworthy relic which does more to remind one of what they are no longer rather than of who they are now. Neon Necromancer’s return certainly didn’t help; one is reminded of that sad time a certain football team, desperate to return to glory, brought back Joe Gibbs from the assisted living facility only to discover he didn’t remember any of the rules, particularly those involving consecutive time outs.

Anyways, it is obviously overdue to officially announce the Golden Age of TEABAG in all its splendor. A true renaissance of Duelmaster prowess, this ascendant alliance is dominating the bookies, the hearts of the fair maidens, the gladiators of hapless managers and the spirits of those alliances who by necessity understand that their time has, like that of Joe Gibbs, passed. TEABAG captured three of the six basic TCs – being par for the course nowadays – with two of those being academic TEABAG-only finals, cementing the concept that it’s really only a matter of which TEABAGger wins a class, not whether one will.

“Because there are eighteen.” – Vlad’s first golf coach, Vlad

Back in 1998 or 1999, I got fitted for golf clubs for the first time in my life. There was a pretty nice driving range – now a development of townhouses – that sat, if not between Jerman and me, at least proximate to us both. I think I had taken a few lessons prior to the fitting, which happened shortly before the first of fifteen or so annual (in)famous Myrtle Beach Mother’s Day golf trips. The timing alone should tell you how it went over with our better halves. Anyway, the fitting was a fascinating process, particularly when you consider the lack of electronic technology that is commonplace in this day and age. My coach, whose name was also Vlad, went through a series of drills with me. Tape on the face of the club to see where the ball was hitting it. Tape on the face of the launch pad, or whatever that hard plastic square they place the ball on for you to hit is called. That apparently informed how square my club was to the ground when it hit. Ball flight. Distance. And on and on.

I was tremendously excited to do all of it, confident that a real set of wrenches would improve my game dramatically. And I was totally hooked on golf at that point. With Vlad’s guidance, I tested a handful of club brands and customizations but ultimately landed on the Ping I3s with blue dot offset. To this day, I have no idea what that means. But the clubs would arrive just before I headed down to Myrtle for about 10 rounds of golf over 5 days. Perfecto!

But all of that has nothing to do with the Quote of the Week. Vlad and I walked into the pro shop, me flush with excitement and exertion. As we headed towards the register to ring me up, I said, “Hey, Vlad, you’ve been coaching me a bit now, and you just established all the ins and outs of my ball striking. Can you recommend a particular golf ball that is suitable to my swing?

Without skipping a beat or losing a single step, he reached down as we walked past a Pinnacle display, grabbed a box and handed it to me as we walked. I studied the box and wondered. Finally, I asked him. “What about my swing made you recommend this particular ball? Was it my swing path, swing speed, club face, or maybe tied to the Pings I am getting?”

He stopped, turned to face me fully, and said, “Because there are eighteen balls in that box.” It was then I remembered that normal boxes only come with 12 balls. And, damn him, he was spot on.

As I pondered Tempe 2K25, this story came to mind because the number 18 seems to keep rearing its ugly head during these trips. It took 18 rounds for both Riff Raff’s and my TEABAG warriors to secure the Apprentices and Initiates TCs, respectively. While leads us to…..

“3 X The Charm” – Logo on the customized Pro V1’s included in the Tempe Invitational Swag Bag

The 2K25 3rd Tempe Invitational Golf Tournament took place at Dobson Ranch Golf Club. It pitted Team Hokies, being Jerman and me but mostly Jerman, vs Team Shankapotomus, equally led by The Consortium and Mannequin. Team Neon, self-proclaimed Deity of Duelmasters Golf, was, regrettably, a no-show as apparently no one remembered to arrange for a limo to deliver him to the tee box.

Dobson has a beautiful driving range on which I excelled. Laid out much like a Top Golf facility, with all the equipment and accoutrement, I struck the ball reasonably well with rented Calloway clubs that were probably nicer than my set at home. We finally located Team What The Duck Hookers huddled all the way at the end of the range, cackling and whispering while clutching a yardage book upon which they had drawn up what appeared to be a series of football plays, replete with X’s and O’s, on each hole. Upon seeing our approach, the book was quickly hidden and requisite reintroductions were completed. Let the games and match play begin!

The first hole is a beautiful Par 5, straight away, with the only trouble being a sandtrap and treeline in the right rough beside the 9th fairway, which I immediately hit directly towards. Other than the ones I created for myself, the hole presented no real challenges, which made the hole’s handicap rating of 5 interesting. Speaking of 5, that appears to have been the strength of Parry Ripper named Suds that my ultimate Initiates Tournament Champion Repressive Manners teed off against in Round 1. Pro Tip: When you are too weak to heft a freakin’ epee, you prolly don’t belong in Initiates as a Ripper. In fact, you prolly don’t belong in Initiates at all. One massive kidney shot and a follow up love tap was enough for Repressive to send Suds to the infirmary. Team Worm Burner showed up to win and demonstrated no such weakness as Manne and Consortium both parred the hole. Jerman carried me, recording a birdie vs my bogey, resulting in an overall push for hole.

Hole 2 is a bit of a dogleg right par four, with a mostly dead scrub tree on the right blocking the ability to go directly around curve. That didn’t stop me from hitting over there anyways. In a similar twist, Pandora showed up to the 2nd round with a SC and an off hand…. wait for it… war flail. No class. Much like my triple bogey (the max the Invitational rules allow for, thank Ahringol!). Repressive pushed Pandora around much like Teams Hokie and Team Three-Off-The-Tee pushed the second hole as well. Jerman parred to edge out Mannequin while Consortium doubled, which was good enough to beat my score and result in a push.

The third hole comes right back down the right side of the second hole. It features a tight window through trees left and right off the tee, with plenty of blocking limbs to get in the way of your ball. Speaking of blockers, Doc Squeal’s midget TP Deathdancer did a fair to middling job of blocking Repressive’s assault but, like the trees, didn’t get the job done. Pro Tip: If you’re gonna get a scaled vest to absorb some hits, don’t forget to invest in something to protect your head and neck, particularly when Watson is already calling the strategy changes for each matchup. Bonus Tip: If you’re going to triple bogey your second hole in a row, like I did, talk enough crap to Consortium while doing so to ensure he joins you, resulting in the 3rd straight push for the Invitational.

Side note: Dense may not be good for much, but coining “Doc Squeal” makes up for a lot, although points were lost for also coining the absolutely idiotic “Vladgina”. I mean, really, do better.

Hole 4 marked the first Par 3, with water along the right and greenside bunkers short and long. Coming in at an even 150 yards for Manne and me, 180 for Jerman and a buck and a quarter for Consortium, we all had high hopes, none of which really came to fruition as three of us bogeyed while TC doubled. Score one for the Hokie home team! Speaking of fruition, or at least fruit, Repressive faced an ally across the sands in Riff Raff’s Purple Muscat, who resides in one of the guildhouses along the very long Bourbon Street. Personally, Muscato is too sweet for my tastes as was Muscat for Repressive. Nasty shots to Muscat’s right and left arms ended the contest and, thankfully, the aftertaste. The first stirrings of tension appeared at both the TEABAG table and Invitational.

A dogleg left presents itself on the fifth hole with out-of-bounds risk along the left and a semi-wet drainage ditch along the tee area on the right. Another Par 5, sand traps along the left, in theory, keep you from trying to shave the corner unless your name happens to be Mannequin. The second of three Par 5s on the front, it gives you a chance to right the ship if need be and, for me, it helped to settle the nerves that had plagued my first few holes. Speaking of nerves, you can imagine my trepidation upon seeing Howlin’ Wolf’s LU Vile Lint Femme across the sands from Manners. But Repressive repressed Femme’s attempts to dodge, quickly putting him not only out with a couple mighty wounds but also on the coach back home to Storm Point. In similar fashion, I recorded a bogey to tie Consortium and Manne while Jerman edged out a par for a second Hokie point.

The 6th hole is yet another, albeit slight, dogleg left Par 4, making me wonder why I picked this course knowing we were playing against draw-meister Manne. A lone tree and a fairway trap protect the curve itself and likely – my memory is a bit fuzzy on this one – contributed to Manne’s double while the rest of us bogeyed, giving Team Hokies its 3rd straight point. On the Alastari front, Repressive channeled his inner Mannequin by getting absolutely crushed by a DMobster striker deceptively named “Ima Striker”, with both warriors leaving the sands at 5-1.

Round 7 saw a plate-clad LG/LG Consortium scum across the sands, also sporting two losses. Watson had already made strategy adjustments to account for the opponent, so I only had to sit back and watch as Repressive dismantled the hapless scum in two minutes while picking up a Defense expert. So it was a bit ironic to also face Mr. C. on Hole 7, a Par 3 with a pond along the left and trees guarding the right and sand traps on either side in the front as well as in the rear. Similar to the previous Par 3, Consortium had about 115, Manne and me 145 and Jerman about 175. All bogeyed it but Jerman, who had his singular blow up hole and clocked in a triple. I don’t recall how it happened but suspect either a shot in the water or, perhaps more likely, a skull out of the sand perhaps even into the other sand trap. This marked the first point for Team Shankapotomus, reducing the Hokie lead to two points.

Hole 8 is the hardest of the front 9, from a handicapping standpoint, so it’s only fitting that I looked across the sands to see the TEABAG warrior Swansee with Obregon whispering in his ear. Like his predecessors, Swansee came in sporting two losses. Repressive put him desperate with one hit but Swansee did a nice job of deploying his desperation dodge strategy until a deadly critical ended the fight. Like a good ally, Obregon made sure his warrior taught Manners two nice decisiveness skills that would come in very handy later. With a tiny fairway landing area squeezed in between water all along the right and a fairway trap on the left, the hole earned its rating. Jerman bounced back with a par while Mannequin and I bogeyed. Consortium doubled, giving us both that point from the previous hole back and another to boot. Hokies by four!

You return to the clubhouse with the first hole on your right and the driving range on the left. Of course, I’d already seen the 9th fairway from my superb play on the first. It’s the 3rd par 5 on the nine, ensuring a decent challenge. Much like Repressive’s round 9 opponent, Major Mandible, another nekkid dreaded striker using, like Ima, a dagger. Perhaps it was the extra decise skills from Swansee or maybe the experience from squaring off against Ima previously, but something gave Manners the initiative and he put the City Of Bone warrior down and out. Speaking of down and out, I struggled on the 9th, falling off the five hole bogey train to turn in a double, with Jerman parring and both Consortium and Manne staying on the train. The result? A push going into the turn with Team Hokie up by four and Repressive Manners going into the runoffs with a Tournament Victor trophy in hand.

The 10th is an extremely straightforward par four of only 333 yards from the whites with the driving range on your left. Pretty sure one of us struggled to find our ball amongst all the range balls that had sprayed onto the hole. Given the driving range was to the left, I suspect Mannequin. That said, Jerman and Manne made short work of it – the hole, not the driving range – both coming in with pars. Consortium and I struggled a bit and we each came in at double. Another Tempe Invitational push. I will say though, despite back-to-back doubles, I really felt like I had actually finally warmed up a bit and was striking the ball better. Speaking of struggling, Repressive had all he could handle against a SH/SH APA/F tournament victor TP in U Got The Look. No idea who managed her but it took 24 swings, 14 hits of which three were for extra damage over three minutes to finally put her down. She had previously put a loss on another Initiate of mine, ultimately denying him an award, so it felt good to tack the “L” on her.

Once you get over a little concrete waterway at the 11th tee box, this 350 yard par 4 is also pretty reasonable. A couple trees on the right, combined with the angle of the tee box, tends to push your drive towards the sand trap on the left with a dead white stump right in front of it. So there is absolutely some strategy involved. Speaking of strategy, I have no idea what TMM was thinking but it must have been something. Why else send his undefeated 5’1” parry-ripper in nekkid? One good thing about Watson is that it is not influenced by illogical actions. Manners came in and taught Fiona some, surgically removing her weapon and easily securing the win. Speaking of surgical, Jerman and I bogeyed 11 with Team Wormburner sheepishly turning in two doubles. Two more Hokie points for a total of six. Like with Repressive Manners’ opponents, things are beginning to look grim for the dinosaurs otherwise knows as Team Slice-O-Saurus!

Twelve was, for me, a long par three coming in at 164. Really anything longer than 150 or so can be tough as it moves me from irons to hybrids, so much more likelihood to spray further. And I already have a decent likelihood. Add in water crossing in front of the green which is, itself, surrounded by three sand traps and more water in back, and you have one challenging hole. Speaking of challenging, another TEABAG ally sat across the sands. Obregon again. Criminy. One of his plated up hybrids to boot. But, 9 hits of which three were for juiced up damage ultimately did the trick, sending Obie’s tournament victor home while picking up MAS in ATT. On the golf front, I think I got up and down from off the green, at which time I stepped off the bogey train to catch the faster par train. Likewise, Mannequin. Consortium and Jerman both recorded bogeys resulting in yet another Invitational push. But, like Manners’ opponents, time was running out for Team Crispy Duck Hook.

Unlucky 13 brought round a sweeping dogleg left par five that was handicapped as the back nine’s hardest hole although that had more to do with the par 5 than any particular hazards on the hole. In absolute contrast, Repressive Manners’ opponent was the easiest imaginable, if you set aside any Big Lake opponents. Mordant Deserter was smacked the heck back to Mordant while giving up a MAS in decise for RM. Likewise, three of us parred the hole with Consortium turning in triple bogey to pad Team Hokie’s lead to seven.

Round 14 presented a 12-1 Anarchist fist AB which, much like the long Par 3 14th, gave me a ton of pause. But both wound up being easier than I feared and I turned in my 3rd straight par while Manners absolutely ran over SPC 17. Jerman also parred the hole but Team Shank-A-Lot turned in an impressive triple-double. Uh oh! Wrong sport! Bad news, Clemson fans. Hokies up by nine with only four holes left, and thus only eight remaining points. Mannequin had the triple but both he and Consortium had egg on their face as TEAM HOKIES WINS THE INVITATIONAL for the 3rd year running!!! See you hackers next year, when the venue reverts to Lone Tree!

On a completely unrelated note, apropos of nothing, my other Inits 12-1 slasher, You Up?, took a tough loss to Obregon’s Cabron, also a 12-1 slasher, in round 14 as well. Insult to injury, Cabron won via a lame gimmick and also picked up his ADEX DEC.

Round 15 showed a fearsome parry-ripper across the sands, albeit one on the bubble. Midget warrior (Obregon tells me the correct term is “person with short stature” but, that’s Obregon and he can write his own column with whatever damn terms he likes) with APM, SC/ME who looked like he knew his business. And that he did! Repressive charged him like it was the Battle of Ball’s Bluff and O’Brien parried, and then smacked him in his ball’s bluff. Manners howled, fell down, then got back up and charged again. But O’Brien put Manners on his arse again by kneecapping him. Loss number two for our hero and outlook is ugly. Things didn’t look much better on Hole 15, where I dropped a deuce literally and figuratively. On the bright side, You Up bravely took down the Embezzling Scribe, earning his MAS in INI.

Here's where the TEABAG table got hushed. Round 16, with four warriors left in Inits and, like many of the basic classes, TEABAG coaches most of those still standing. At first I thought we had them all – O’Brien was, after all, a Bourbon Street resident, but Riff Raff denied association. So, Obie’s SL is 14-1, my two are 13-2. That nasty ripper O’Brien is also 13-2. Whispered exclamations and, in all likelihood, epithets. Lots of side-eye around the table as matchups were drawn and considered. Repressive drew Cabron and You Up? drew O’Brien.

A few Watson strategy tweaks had You Up? one-shotting O’Brien in Round 16 which was interesting after all the trouble that ripper gave Repressive. After debriefing You Up? about his fight with Cabron the previous round, Repressive went confidently into the match and dismantled Obie’s warrior, leaving us all at 14-2. After all, gimmicks don’t win championships. In contrast, everyone over at Dobson Ranch, apparently feeling the sudden lack of pressure now that the match was concluded, let loose despite it being a straightforward Par 4. Jerman bogeyed while Consortium and I turned in doubles. Manne pulled a menage a trois out of his bag and not the good kind.

Hole 17 was a long Par 3 in preparation for the Par 5 18th that took us home to the clubhouse. About 170 yards for me and Manne, 210 or so for Jerman. Consortium and Jerman parred, I bogeyed and Manne dropped a deuce. Back on the sands, three Initiates remained, all of them TEABAG of course. As both of mine had already gotten an NPC matchup during their run, Cabron got to sit back while my two guys determined who he would face in the finals chair. From my practical lens, it was a no-brainer. You Up? had lost to Cabron, albeit through shenanigans, and Repressive had already beaten him.

The concept of wingmen is as old as the movie Top Gun or, speaking of Maverick, even the Maverick movie. Maybe even older! In fact, case in point, BoV sent me a funny today of a caveman standing beside a second, with a gazelle in the distance. The first caveman has a quiver of spears on his back and is handing the second one a spear, saying “Slight breeze from the south… about 30 yards… I’d use the 7 spear.” I guess in its purest form, a caddie is a wingman. In the context of Duelmasters, I’d never really appreciated the value of a wingman. I mean, I get it conceptually; at least, I think I do. But the abstract of having other warriors strategically help one warrior win the championship is something I couldn’t necessarily point to in my experience.

That is, until now.

Obregon is a big proponent of wealth redistribution. I can’t blame the guy too much; it’s how he’s wired. And, in fairness, that’s what he does for a living and only some of that redistribution is to himself. So it wasn’t too shocking when, prior to the finals fight between Cabron and Repressive Manners, he offered to split the prize regardless of who won. Much like Mgrr had done a year prior with Normal and Tremors Backlash. But, just like with Mgrr, although for entirely different reasons (you can check out that write up from last January), I declined. First, it’s generally not in my DNA. But, even if it was, there was no way I was splitting this fight. I knew Repressive would win. Why? Because of his wingman, You Up?.

You may recall I mentioned that Cabron beat You Up? with a gimmick, specifically the response tactic, in Round 14. Good on Obregon for creativity for sure. You may also recall I mentioned Cabron picked up his Adex in DEC in that fight. Finally, you may recall I mentioned Repressive Manners getting his MAS DEC back in round 13. So, in my opinion, there was no way on Ahringol’s green Alastari that Cabron was getting the jump on Manners. Between two slashers, that 90% of the risk. The only other thing that I needed to control for was his stupid (read: admittedly clever) use of a response tactic. So, like Repressive did in Round 16 when he crushed Cabron, my warrior went back in with no tactic while I planned my victory dance.

In fairness to Obregon, he was in a tough situation. And, to his credit, he made some changes for the final fight. But absent some ridiculous knack roll or horrific impact of a response tactic against a warrior running open, I could only have been more confident in that finals chair if I was sitting next to Dense. In my opinion, Repressive Manners was simply the better fighter at the end of the day.

Hole 18 was almost as beautiful a way to conclude a contest, hitting over water from the Par 5 tee box, with some sand in play in the landing area. That was followed by more water all along the left (look out Manne!) and trees on the right. A nice way to finish the round, for sure. Jerman, Manne and I all logged pars with Consortium trailing by a couple strokes.

Heartfelt congratulations and sympathies to Obregon, Mannequin and The Consortium for fights well fought on their respective venues. And my eternal thanks to Jerman for carrying me through the golf and providing Watson to the TEABAG team. It’s hard to tell which had the larger impact but I’m happy to have both!

Awards of the week

The Vlad Lads headed to Sky Harbor Monday morning with heads held high and for good reason. 85 warriors entered and 8 awards received, spanning every basic class except Challengers. And, with one of those awards being a Tournament Champion, the No-I-In-Team-but-There-is-a-Me effort neatly lands exactly at the 10% award target given that TC’s count 1.5 times. Add in the other TEABAG TCs and sundry awards and it’s a damn good thing we had the TEABAG charter to get everyone home. Nothing more awkward than trying to fit a Tournament Champion trophy into that oversized luggage test thingee they have at the gate. One carry on and one personal item my arse!

No Runner Ups although Initiates did present the opportunity for me to choose which warrior would face Obregon’s fighter in the finals, so I guess that put You Up? in 3rd place. The Wiggler Striper Lures™, a prize many were hoping for, were eyed covetously by You Up? as Obregon's Cabron took possession and immediately headed off to the river for some serious bass fishing. The repeat but highly-coveted Tournament Champion prize, the Wiggler Personal Massager™, was taken home by Repressive Manners and, though the curtain to his room remains pulled, said room has been, well, abuzz, ever since.

In sum, the awards represented four styles and, in the typical TEABAG style, dominated all of the basic classes except Challengers. With six additional warriors at 7-3 and some basic Stylemaster awards to boot, the Vladdite trophy case runneth over.

Stats of the week

Team Vlad dug deep in an attempt to live up to Minnesota’s ridiculous FTF W/L percentage of 57%. Expectations were set, the bar raised. Having generally averaged in the 53-54% range, 57% seems like a crazy target, particularly back-to-back and particularly in Tempe. But that just goes to show you what dedication, keen insight, careful vetting, Watson, rigor and, oh, don’t forget luck, can do. The Tempe FTF team clocked in at…. Survey Says?! 57%!!!! Finally tally was 326-250-8-3.

Best style: Slashers at 64%. With 62% of the Team Vlad awards, inclusive of the Tournament Champion, I am pleased to refer you to Vlad’s Theory of Tourney Optimization™. Note this theory is the antithesis of, and mutually exclusive to, Mgrr’s Theory of Tourney Optimization™, which states “Run no slashers”.

Worst Style: A singular Piker went 1-3 because Piker, but – and I take a perverse pleasure in this for some reason – my second worst style of any substance was…. Aimed Blow at 31%!

Best Class: Initiates at 64% because Tournament Champion. Although Adepts was right behind at 63%. Hell, all basic classes combined came in at 57%.

Worst Class: My first foray into Contenders was fun and ended as good as I could have hoped at 36%.

Factoids that may only interest me

I. I thought we had a record, with the Vladdites running into Whisper a record five, count ‘em, five times this tournament. However, after careful review of the tapes, it turns out that, like Connor, Cash, and Emily, Whisper just happened to be a popular birth name one year and we actually fought TWO Whispers. So instead, the honor goes to Anarchist’s SPC 17, with whom the Vladdites split the four fight ticket.

II. The average Vlad’s Lads fight lasted just over two minutes with the longest being 24.

III. I continue to be heartened that someone, even if it’s just one warrior out of 584 opponents, has the stones to walk out onto the sands hefting a halberd. Actually, scratch that. I am now saddened to report that, in this instance, it was some arsehat loading down his 7-2 lunger with APA/F, the halberd and 4 backup LG shields. What manager does that to a warrior about to win an award? Doc Squeal, that’s who. I hope the Gladiators Local 105, of which Bludge is a card carrying member, gets in touch with union counsel.

IV. Criminy, where was I? Oh, right, implements of destruction. This is my shocked face – the SC led the pack at 27%, followed by LO (19%) and then SS (14%). 33 of our opponents gripped a shortsword, and that’s not counting managers with short swords like JE and Dense, so the assumption is we faced 33 Howlin Wolf warriors. Rounding out the other 40% of opponents weapons was one data point raised eyebrows in that warriors hefted the EP surprisingly often.

V. When getting the first swing in against the pure offensives, i.e. SL/BA/ST, my warriors won 86% of the time. When they did not, that percentage dropped to 42%.

Mr. United Member Travel Note

It’s always nice, as you sit in your first class seat sipping a beverage and ruminating over a successful FTF weekend, to have the captain come on the intercom to explain that, due to an unusually powerful polar jet stream, the speed of the trip back east is going to hover around Mach 2 “so we’re going to fly this plane like we stole it”. The end result, arriving back home before you technically left, caps off a fantastic weekend of flights, fights, pars and bars.

Brief truths and Admonitions

A. You can learn more about someone in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.

B. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Ten things I think I think

1. I think I love the fact that this game offers niche experiences in which to participate that enable disparate managers to find things that suit their tastes and strenuously avoid those that don’t, including such things as Tourneys, Bloodgames, No-tourney arenas, Basic vs Non-basic, Arena contests such as KoP and Turf Wars, and arenas with and without Dense.

2. I think it was apropos that the first fight I read, being a win in Contenders, included my warrior yelling at the end, “TEABAG has so much winning going on, we’re bored with winning!” I think I don’t do enough of the customized comments. I think the second Contenders fight I read, involving my warrior making 19 swings, of which all 19 were crits, and none of them hitting, was a sobering reminder of my end-game future of weaponless aimed blows, reinforced by the fact that every lost was to one.

3. I think Willie’s Shack, who went 6-3 and was ultimately put out by the TC, fought well enough to bust in April. I think it is milestone in one’s managerial journey to go through, and successfully execute on, the process where an award puts your warrior in the class penalty box for the next tourney or two until the reputational swelling goes back down. I think going 3-0 and then 0-3 in a class indicates you still got quite a road to hoe before anyone will take you seriously. I think I am beginning to viscerally feel the Howlin' Wolf BA/TP dominance in Freshmen and it does not feel as good as checking the award-over-the-line box.

4. I think it is depressing when your top-of-the-skills-line Challenger goes two consecutive tourneys, a total of 13 fights, and fails to manage a second con train with a 21 will. I think it is equally depressing when your 10-skills-under-the-line Challenger gets back home from an uneventful tourney to find Isle Service of Process nailed to his door. I think it’s mystifying when your over-the-line Challenger, who performed equally to the under-the-line Challenger will live to fight another Challenger day. I think getting put out of Challengers by Big Fat Belly is hard to live down back at the guildhouse. I think having it happen to two of my challengers is outright offensive.

5. Golfnerdness™: I think the Dobson Ranch Scorecard Story was an interesting one, with the perspective of distance and time. Team Hokies improved by 12 strokes between the front and back nines, with yours truly leading the charge at 8 strokes and Jerman with four. Manne improved by two strokes and Consortium shot exactly the same on both nines. This, ultimately, was the difference in the match.

6. I think I enjoyed the name Jobgoblin in Champs despite what he did to my hopefuls. I think it’s gratifying when someone you think should do well in Champs actually does. I think I really need to work on willpower involving those I think should do well but didn’t through inits yet I keep trying.

7. I think knack is real and I think I don’t see enough of it.

8. I think it’s almost as satisfying as getting an award when your Adept or Init nails the “tourney-timing” FE threshold and stops on a dime. I think it is heartbreaking when, during a grudge match, you send in your really nice Adept ST with a Wiffle, only to discover he really, really likes it. I think the heartbreak is right up there alongside the iconic heartbreak of psoriasis.

9. I think I will TC with the Plunger style if it kills me. Like the game Clue, I am calling the Plunger, in Challenger with a Scimitar or, as Purple Sage says, “Skimitar”. I think Purple Sage is on dangerous intellectual property grounds with the Kardashians.

10. These are the other things I think I think:

a. I think there are those people that just involuntarily light up the day of those around them, enlightening moods whether those moods like it or not. I think the 9-7-7-21-17-6-17 guy is one of those. I think holding off on popping open the Spring Mailer fedex box that’s sitting beside you until you can post a stupid write-up is stupid, but allows you to remember what the warriors who are in that fedex box actually look like.

b. I think it is equally humorous and ominous when, post-tourney, you glance at one of your Adept’s results and discover he beat up on a Parry-Strike twice in three fights and immediately know it has to be your Alliance mate’s warrior. I think being put out by your Alliance is bittersweet, particularly when that guy goes on to be the Tournament Champion.

c. Coffeenerdness: Mike Warnke once joked, “I gotta tell you, if you ever get a chance to tell a nun she’s going to go to hell because she’s a Catholic, don’t.” Likewise, I would think that, if you are fortunate enough to get the chance to make plans to get up early on Sunday and meet any of the RSI crew for coffee, don’t oversleep… under any circumstances.

d. I think the act of zapping the favorite learn of your Rooks runner up slasher, who learned zero decise skills during that particular run, should come with a warning, and in California it prolly already does, that having him learn nothing but decise since then could result in sever arm and shoulder injury due to excessive patting of one’s own back.

e. Winenerdness: I honestly forget the wine Jerman, Mojo and I landed on at Steak 44 this year because I was completely distracted, and enthralled, by Mojo’s Hanging Meat™. So, as I sit here scribing this, I note a box of wine in the hall outside my office that has, curiously, yet to take itself down to the wine cellar and crawl into the wine fridge. On top of the box is a calendar that came with the wine from the vineyard that features two labs (whom BoV and I met, along with the owners, when we were out there in Napa – great dogs). If you have a chance to try some Boyd Wine, I encourage you to do so. Tiny little vineyard – about 11 acres as I recall – but really nice folks and a solid, steady set of reds, including the fun Big Ranch Cuvee, that we have been stocking for 15 or so years at Chez Vlad.

f. I think getting someone to giggle and comment about your warrior’s name, particularly when they don’t know whose warrior that is, makes it all worthwhile.

g. I think I’ll happily run any warrior who walks out into Rooks and delivers a 4-3-3 slaughter upon his foes. I think I should pay more attention to Kharadmon, who has often said, “If you kill them, you don’t have to fight them again.”

h. Obit of the Weak™: Only three deaths this tournament, so slim pickens. Two, very much like our last Resident, won’t be missed and likely wouldn’t even be aware they’re gone. So, by default, that leaves the 11-8-12-17-21-4-11 LU and timed Champ Rut Hut, of the instantly iconic team Den’s Dates, who died on Round 1 to some unknown. Worthy of the award, Rut Hut remains a cautionary tale of someone that can Runner Up Apprentices, losing to (of course) another TEABAG warrior and then, despite nice numbers and striking good looks, be utterly unqualified for the later classes because of his parry habit.

Who I like in April

It’s a bit surreal typing this, since the tourney has already run, been printed and Team Vlad is happily on their PJ headed back to Chez Vlad already. If you’re not in the biz, PJ is slang for “private jet”. IYKYK. I’m in total slasher mode of late, so it makes this choice easier by far. I have nice warriors in Inits, Adepts and Champs. The Adept is the former Inits TC. The Init guy TV’d Apps and stuck the 10 FE landing. And, he looks so much like the former Inits TC that they could be brothers from another mother. So, I think I will go with the Champs slasher, a Rooks Runner Up who, in 3 tournaments thus far, has gone 15-3, 10-3 and 12-3. As Riff-Raff™ would say, “One time!”

Caustic Acrostic

Third time was a charm at the Invitational
Each basic class saw TEABAG sensational
Alas, Alloyed Axes and Kharadmon missed it
But let’s all raise a glass in the midst of Pitt
A bigly fedex box of awards awaits
Goodbye for now, try not to hate!

//////

Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2025 3:11 am

Damn, Vlad! That was an awesome write-up! I think maybe the Hokie golf victory was a little overwritten and overrated, but I will allow you to have what little pleasure you can make of it. Congrats.

Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2025 7:46 am

Vladgina, loved your "Brief truths and Admonitions", the rest....was okay.