Date   : 02/09/2018    Duedate: 02/22/2018


DM-6    TURN-844

This Weeks Top Honors


(6-7219) [14-4-1,141]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

BLACK AND BLUES (575)          
(6-7219) [14-4-1,141]          

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

CANNED HEAT                    COPELAND
BLACK AND BLUES (575)          BLACK AND BLUES (575)
(6-7219) [14-4-1,141]          (6-7284) [7-4-0,42]



Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. BLACK AND BLUES (575)       48
2. EAT EM RAW BUG (618)        35      BLACK TIDE (453)
3. BLACK TIDE (453)             1      Unchartered Team
4. SOVEREIGN ONES (624)       -17

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 1 BLACK TIDE (453)          54  37  1 59.3   1/ 3 BLACK AND BLUES (575)     8  3 0
 2/ 2 BLACK AND BLUES (575)    378 288 19 56.8   2/ 1 SOVEREIGN ONES (624)      8  7 0
 3/ 3 SOVEREIGN ONES (624)      44  47  2 48.4   3/ 2 BLACK TIDE (453)          7  8 0
 4/ 4 EAT EM RAW BUG (618)     100 113 13 46.9   4/ 4 EAT EM RAW BUG (618)      5  5 1

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                      SPY REPORT

     Well, what are you looking at, TRANSEL?  Ain't you never seen Snide Clemens 
before?  Ah, shaddup and listen to my news.  Later days, SOVEREIGN ONES, since BLACK 
AND BLUES took top team from you this turn, you guys are old news.  Now let's all 
watch EAT EM RAW BUG's heads swell from their 4-1-1 this turn.  Haa ha ha ha!  Big 
shots, big talk, big deal.  Of course, we're all terribly impressed to see LONG TALL 
TEA win a fight and gain 17 points, terribly.  Tsk, tsk, BLIND WILLIAM beat CHELSEA 
MARIE and CHELSEA MARIE lost 10 points.  You're breakin' my heart.  And if variety is 
the spice of life, TRANSEL may be getting bland, as CANNED HEAT stays top dog in the 
city.  The Sultan's Tent, humph!  I've tasted better ale at mortuaries.  Where do 
they get this stuff?  From TRANSEL's trash dumps?   
     My mother always told me, 'If you don't have anything nice to say, start 
talking.' I loved that woman.  JUMBO was challenged more times this turn than the 
Duelmaster.  Now was the DM insulted or feared?  Heh, heh.  Looks like time for 
laurels or hemlock, WEASEL was challenged by ZALADANE, who was ranked 29 points below 
him.  Not that I'm surprised or anything, but ZALADANE was bested by WEASEL, leaving 
the latter lower for recognition points.   
     Ah, now we come to my favorite part, where we see all the guys who are dead and 
gone, and get to see if their team cared.  Titanium shields and bamboo daggers, guess 
what brave team is developing these kinds of weapons?   
     I was about to buy a new quill pen the other day, but some fighter took it for 
an epee.  Forgive me for writing with a dagger.  Well, I've had enough of this 
drivel, and I'm sure you have too.  Off like a dirty shirt of padded leather.  Paste 
this one in your scrapbooks, you'll need the kindling come this winter-- Snide 

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 CANNED HEAT 7219             14   4  1   141       BLACK AND BLUES (575)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 'MARICAN SINGLE 7206         16  17  1    94       EAT EM RAW BUG (618)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 WEASEL 5209                  12   3  0    90       BLACK TIDE (453)
 KAZMOJEN STONEFORGE 7268     14   5  0    89       SOVEREIGN ONES (624)
 BLOODSHOT 5205               14   6  1    83       BLACK TIDE (453)
 BLIND WILLIAM 7263            7   4  0    73       BLACK AND BLUES (575)
 B.B. 7262                     6   5  1    68       BLACK AND BLUES (575)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 ERIK BLOODAXE 7214            8   6  0    59       BLACK TIDE (453)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 ZALADANE 7267                 9  10  1    56       SOVEREIGN ONES (624)
 LONG TALL TEA 7279            7   3  2    53       EAT EM RAW BUG (618)
 BANANA SPLIT 7269             9   6  1    51       EAT EM RAW BUG (618)
 CHELSEA MARIE 7288            6   2  1    50       SOVEREIGN ONES (624)
 JUMBO 5208                   11   9  0    47       BLACK TIDE (453)
 SILENT 6748                   7   8  0    45       BLACK TIDE (453)
 COPELAND 7284                 7   4  0    42       BLACK AND BLUES (575)
 SANT NIKOLAAS 7285            4   7  0    42       SOVEREIGN ONES (624)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 BEVO 7286                     4   7  0    31       SOVEREIGN ONES (624)
 SLIM JANE 7280                5   5  2    27       EAT EM RAW BUG (618)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 TINA TUNA 7287                5   3  0    19       EAT EM RAW BUG (618)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD                W  L K TEAM NAME            SLAIN BY              TURN Revenge?
MORDANT DESERTER        0  0 0                      SLIM JANE 7280        844  NONE
LAPTOP 7187             0  1 0 DM TABLE 620         CHELSEA MARIE 7288    841   

                                     PERSONAL ADS

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

ZALADANE was devastated by WEASEL in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge fight.
SANT NIKOLAAS was vanquished by B.B. in a 1 minute uneven Challenge battle.
BEVO was savagely defeated by JUMBO in a 2 minute gruesome Challenge fight.
CANNED HEAT devastated BLOODSHOT in a 1 minute gory one-sided Title contest.
KAZMOJEN STONEFORGE subdued XENORIA in a crowd pleasing 3 minute competition.
'MARICAN SINGLE vanquished ERIK BLOODAXE in a 1 minute mismatched fight.
CHELSEA MARIE was overpowered by BLIND WILLIAM in a 1 minute gory mismatched brawl.
SILENT was handily defeated by BANANA SPLIT in a 1 minute uneven melee.
LONG TALL TEA vanquished DANGEROUS CRIMINAL in a 1 minute gruesome one-sided duel.
COPELAND vanquished TINA TUNA in a exciting 1 minute gruesome one-sided fight.
SLIM JANE executed MORDANT DESERTER in a 1 minute one-sided fight.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|LUNGING ATTACK                   5         TOTAL PARRY        9 -   2 -  0      82  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   5         STRIKING ATTACK    5 -   2 -  0      71  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                  3         LUNGING ATTACK    23 -  15 -  1      61  |
|WALL OF STEEL                    2         SLASHING ATTACK   12 -  10 -  0      55  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                  1         BASHING ATTACK    19 -  18 -  2      51  |
|TOTAL PARRY                      1         WALL OF STEEL      8 -  10 -  0      44  |
|AIMED BLOW                       1         PARRY-LUNGE        4 -   7 -  0      36  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      1         AIMED BLOW         1 -   6 -  0      14  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     0         PARRY-STRIKE       0 -   1 -  0       0  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    0         PARRY-RIPOSTE      0 -   0 -  0       0  |

Turn 844 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

LUNGING ATTACK     5 -  0     BASHING ATTACK     2 -  3         4  LUNGING ATTACK 
TOTAL PARRY        1 -  0     AIMED BLOW         0 -  1         1  WALL OF STEEL  
WALL OF STEEL      1 -  1     PARRY-LUNGE        0 -  1         1  TOTAL PARRY    
                              PARRY-STRIKE       0 -  0         1  STRIKING ATTACK
                              PARRY-RIPOSTE      0 -  0         1  BASHING ATTACK 

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
LUNGING ATTACK   CANNED HEAT 7219           14   4  1  141 BLACK AND BLUES (575)
SLASHING ATTACK  WEASEL 5209                12   3  0   90 BLACK TIDE (453)
STRIKING ATTACK  BLIND WILLIAM 7263          7   4  0   73 BLACK AND BLUES (575)
BASHING ATTACK   ERIK BLOODAXE 7214          8   6  0   59 BLACK TIDE (453)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is CANNED HEAT 7219.  The most popular warrior this 
turn was COPELAND 7284.  The ten other most popular fighters were JUMBO 5208, WEASEL 
7268, 'MARICAN SINGLE 7206, BANANA SPLIT 7269, and LONG TALL TEA 7279.

The least popular fighter this week was SILENT 6748.  The other ten least popular 
fighters were CHELSEA MARIE 7288, BLOODSHOT 5205, SANT NIKOLAAS 7285, ZALADANE 7267, 
7269, and 'MARICAN SINGLE 7206.

                             Mission to the Twisted Lands

                                     Episode One

     Old Brown could run pretty fast if properly motivated, but mostly he walked with 
a long-legged, distance-devouring stride.  He was a huge horse, a half-giant's 
warhorse, shaggy and self-assured, with muscles like half-buried boulders in his 
shoulders and hips.  Lounging in the saddle was the motivating force, the half-giant, 
Keel Woodhaven.  Although in his mind he was slouching and half-asleep, he sat up 
straight in the saddle since that is more comfortable for riding.
     It was twilight, stars coming out above and lights in farmhouse windows below.  
They traveled through vineyards, brown and fallow now in the winter, descending gently 
toward the tree-crowded coast.  The distant trees, not just pines, were green.  They 
stayed green because the marsh that surrounded the city-state of Bonsur had hot 
springs in it.
     Keel Woodhaven had always liked Bonsur.  It had a relaxed feel about it, the 
women seemed prettier, the music was great, everyone thought about having fun.  And 
the booze was excellent, of course.  He passed the arena at the edge of town, and 
paused to read the current statistics, posted on the gate and lit by a lantern.  So, 
an elven cobbler was the Duelmaster?  Why would a shoemaker take up such a painful 
profession?  Then he noticed the team name:  Shewish Picnic.  He snorted.  That 
explained it, all right.  As a half-Shew, he was kind of bothered by that team theme, 
which was present in Home Guard as well.  It was sort of funny though.  He saw that 
Elf Cobbler was headed for the Isle.  Probably not bound for Home Guard just yet, 
     They passed a small chicken ranch.  A rooster uttered an untimely crow.  At about 
that time, Old Brown took exception to something and bolted.  Cussing, Keel hauled on 
the reins, to little effect since the horse was stronger than him and apparently 
frightened.  He didn't see the masked men coming out of their hiding places behind 
him, looking frustrated.  At least not until a crossbow bolt thunked into the backside 
of his leather cuirass. His horse screamed and ran faster.
     Hauling Old Brown to the left as they passed a set of big open gates into a well-
lighted courtyard, Keel got them behind the shelter of the high stone wall, and patted 
the horse's sweaty neck.  "You're okay now, friend.  I'll go take care of those 
     As he dismounted, he noticed he was becoming surrounded by uniformed men, some 
with swords and some with halberds.
     "Howdy?" he said, hoping they were friendly.
     "Your horse has been shot," said someone, pointing at a bolt sticking out of Old 
Brown's butt.
     "Well damn!"  Keel laid a comforting hand on the horse's flank, which quivered.
     "So have you," the guard continued.
     "Yeah, thought so.  Doesn't feel like it got through the armor though."  Keel 
tried to look over his shoulder, but could only see the feathered end of the bolt.  
"Who are you guys?"
     "We are the Queen's Guard."
     "What?  Queen Gemra?  Okay, please take care of Old Brown here, and I'll go find 
the ***holes that shot him."
     "Sir, you are mistaken.  You will be taken to a doctor.  We will arrest the 
     "Hey!  I'm on a mission from Sheila Greywand.  Anyway, they shot my horse.  My 
HORSE!  I'm gonna get 'em."  Unslinging his huge sword, Keel strode toward the gate.
     Four Guardsmen came with him, flanking him like the trailing ends of a flock of 
geese.  They might have intended a different formation, but he had the longest legs 
and walked the fastest.  The one who'd spoken to him before said, "I'm Corporal Brat 
Langerman.  And you are?"
     "Keel Woodhaven."
     "I've heard of you!  The Queen will want to meet you."
     "That's fine.  Let's stick to the sides of these buildings.  If they're still 
around, we'll be targets in the middle of the street."
     They weren't quiet, exactly, since the guards wore highly polished chain mail 
which jingled.  However, Bonsur had a lively night life.  Music and laughter came from 
bars and nightclubs on adjacent streets, people lingered on corners chatting and 
sometimes playing instruments, and children hawked newssheets, shoeshines, flowers, a 
selection of rouges, and offered to carry packages.  So the sounds the guards made 
weren't too noticeable.
     Keel led the way back to the chicken ranch.  He was thinking that the bad guys 
wouldn't have waited around to be hunted.  They might have left clues, though.  
Perhaps even a discarded, crumpled note offering a cash reward for his head, and 
signed by a notorious crimelord.  Or distinctive cigar stubs, monogrammed hankies... 
personalized masks.  Tracks of boots made by elven cobblers.  Anything.  Witnesses, 
     There were no people on the street near the chicken ranch.  It was full night 
now, a bit chilly although there was a warm and slightly funky breeze from the marsh.
     Corporal Brat Langerman said quietly, "Is this where it happened?"
     "Well, I don't think they're here anymore."
     Keel was about to agree, when a crossbow bolt appeared in the Corporal's arm.  
The young man hissed, "Everybody down!"
     The guardsmen hunkered against the wall of a hardware store, which didn't offer 
anything resembling good cover except that they were in shadow there.  Keel crouched a 
little, but he knew he was a pretty big target, plus his sword gave off a faint 
greenish glow.  He looked around, searching the darkness for signs of their foes.
     A shadow on top of a shaded walkway across the street shifted a little.  Keel 
pulled a weighted dart out of his pocket and hurled it.  He was good at tavern darts, 
but it was dark, the distance was too great, and he just wasn't lucky.  The little 
missile clattered against the shingles of the porch roof.  There was a startled twitch 
from the half-seen form.  At that instant, Keel lunged across the street.  His long 
legs carried him across to the opposite shadows in three bounds.  More bolts came out 
of the darkness, one lodging in his calf, the others missing him altogether.
     Now the Guardsmen had a good idea where their foes were, and it takes a while to 
reload a crossbow.  The four men charged, yelling wildly.  Tucking his sword under his 
arm, Keel grabbed one of the posts holding up the porch roof, strained, and dislodged 
it.  After a moment he yanked it out of the structure entirely.  The roof sagged, 
there was a yelp of surprise, and someone's foot appeared off the edge of it.  Keel 
grabbed him by the ankle and hauled him the rest of the way down.
     There were brief sounds of fighting, then footsteps that rapidly receded down an 
alley.  Three Guardsmen raced off in pursuit.  Keel's prisoner started to try to get 
away, so the half-Shew tossed him up, grabbed him by the arms and bashed him against 
the wall.
     "Are you okay?" asked Brat, sheathing his sword.
     "Took one in the leg, but it's not too bad I think," Keel said, shifting his 
unconscious prisoner to one hand and bending to pick up his sword.
     "I'll help you tie that one up," Brat said.  "There's a dead one here.  I think 
there were two more."  He grunted slightly, trying to reach something with his injured 
arm.  "Got some ties in my right-hand belt pouch.  If you could get them for me?"
     They bound the prisoner, then bandaged each other.
     "What did they want?" asked the Corporal.
     Keel shrugged.  "No clue.  Let's get him somewhere safe and we can ask him..."  
He listened.  "Your guys are coming back."
     The Guardsmen hadn't been able to track their assailants in the darkness, but at 
least there were no further injuries.  The group of them returned warily to the 
courtyard of the Guard House, where a woman was smearing some kind of ointment on Old 
Brown's wound.  After the horse was bedded down in the stable, the Guardsmen led Keel 
into their office, where there was a welcome scent of fresh coffee.  The medic set 
about binding Keel's wound and that of the Corporal, who turned out to be an extremely 
handsome man.  Keel remembered hearing that Queen Gemra required her Guardsmen to be 
good looking.  That didn't mean they weren't competent, though.  Brat had done pretty 
     The medic roused their prisoner with smelling salts.  They all sat in the main 
office, Corporal Langerman facing the miscreant, who was seated in a cushioned chair, 
looking reasonably comfortable except for his bandaged head.  "All right," said Brat.  
"Now I want you to tell me that you're going to turn Queen's Evidence."
     "Not on your life, pretty boy!"  The man had, perhaps, some excuse for hard 
feelings since he was more homely than not, with a crooked nose and eyes set too close 
together.  He and Keel looked shabby and ill-favored amongst all these gleamingly 
handsome Guardsmen.
     Keel leaned forward.  "You guys shot my horse."
     "Oh.  Sorry, didn't mean to do that.  We were just shooting at you."
     "Glowing sword."
     "Duh, it's a magic sword!  We saw it when you drew it in Delarq Tor, and figured 
we could sell it so we followed you."
     The half-Shew snorted.  "The Dentless isn't magic.  It was in a Chaos Gate for 
five hundred years and it picked up some energy, that's all.  All it does, is glow.  
And cut things."
     The bandit looked chagrined.  "But... it's got to be magic."
     "Ain't.  Sorry kid."
     After that, Keel was taken to enjoy a sumptuous dinner at the Palace.  Queen 
Gemra was a definite babe, with long, silken black hair, a delicate pouty face, and 
luscious curves.  She asked him about his mission, which was to go to the Twisted 
Lands and shut down a leaking Chaos Gate.  He entertained her with the story of his 
adventure on the Two-Shew Express, and she gave him a brown velvet cloak to show her 
appreciation.  She did not invite him to her bed, which was fine because his heart 
belonged to another, always and forever.
                                      * * * * * 

                           This is a continuing adventure.  
         Watch for future chapters in the Bonsur and Home Guard newsletters!