Date   : 02/13/2018    Duedate: 02/26/2018


DM-7    TURN-853

This Weeks Top Honors


(7-6710) [8-1-0,77]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

CRABAPPLE                      POSITION IS EMPTY
SHEWISH PICNIC (580)           
(7-6710) [8-1-0,77]            

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

(7-6752) [9-10-1,71]           (7-6752) [9-10-1,71]



Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. SHEWISH PICNIC (580)        17
2. LADIES OF QUALITY (607)     17      SHEWISH PICNIC (580)
3. RANCID BLOKES (503)          5      Unchartered Team
4. SENTINELS (122)              0
                                       500 ARABIAN SHEETS (381)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1- 1 SENTINELS (122)          761 565 38 57.4   1/ 1 SHEWISH PICNIC (580)      8  6 0
 2/ 2 SHEWISH PICNIC (580)     166 135 13 55.1   2/ 3 LADIES OF QUALITY (607)   6  7 1
 3/ 4 LADIES OF QUALITY (607)  125 142 17 46.8   3- 2 SENTINELS (122)           1  6 0
 4/ 0 RANCID BLOKES (503)       17  58  1 22.7   4/ 0 RANCID BLOKES (503)       0  1 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                    TEAM SPOTLIGHT

                             Mission to the Twisted Lands
                                     Episode Two

Old Brown didn't want to get on the Flying Pig, a barge docked at Bonsur.  Even though 
the man leading him was half-giant, the horse was outsized as well and very difficult 
to budge when he planted his feet.  He flattened his ears and gave his man a muley 
sneer.  Around the barge, crewmen lounged, watching with amusement.  

"You've been on boats before," Keel Woodhaven said.  "This one's got more space than 
others you've been on, and it rides smoother, so what's the big deal?"  He gazed over 
the barge, and spotted something moving in cages.  "Chickens.  Wait -- you can't 
really be afraid of chickens?"

Old Brown didn't reply, just continued pulling back against the reins, his eyes 
rolling and nostrils flaring.

Keel sighed heavily.  "Horse, you already drove me to drink.  What's next?  Okay, 
here's what we're gonna do..."  He pulled a clean bandage out of one of the saddlebags 
and tied it around Old Brown's head, as a blindfold.  "Come on now, we're going up 
this ramp...  No?  You can still smell 'em, huh?  Wait a minute."  He took off his 
shirt, revealing a few shiny metallic scars on a body that was still muscular but past 
its prime, and inserted the horse's nose into his armpit.  "There.  Better?"

A chicken clucked, and the horse's ears flicked rapidly.

Keel looked at the bargemen, raising his voice.  "Gonna need some help here.  I need 
you all to sing.  Does everybody know 'The Shews' Eating Contest'?  No?  How about 
'Things That Make You Say Urp'?  No?  'A Wizard's Staff Has a Knob on the End'?" *

There was a murmur of agreement to that one, so after a couple of false starts, 
everyone was roaring out the first few verses.  And thus, to a bawdy musical fanfare, 
Old Brown was led into the spacious stall that had been built for him on the deck, in 
between stacks of crates.

Anticipating a two-week journey from Bonsur to Dustward if the weather continued 
favorable, they settled in.  Old Brown finally got used to the presence of chickens 
and consented to be led around the perimeter of the deck, where there was a pathway of 
sorts surrounding the cargo.  As for Keel, he played cards with whoever wasn't rowing.  
That led to some trouble, since he made up his own rules to any card game, but due to 
his size and that of his sword, the Dentless, there were relatively few fights.  Not 
that he drew the sword on any of the bargemen, but it was always at his side.  When 
not quarreling about cards, he sometimes used one of his more pleasing abilities, 
which was to tell stories of his adventures.  These were mostly made up, or at least 
everyone assumed so, but they were kind of raunchy, which made them interesting.

One evening, as Keel and half a dozen crewmen sat around a cauldron of hot coals next 
to Old Brown's stall, warming their hands and toasting cheese sandwiches, Keel was 
telling the story of how Sheila Greywand had long ago trapped him in a chaos gate.  
Old Brown watched and listened, munching some hay.

"Sail ahead!" cried the lookout, a sharp-eyed fellow named Rancy, perched on top of 
the pilot house.  Two crewmen went up to look.

Keel stayed by the fire, turning his sandwich, trying to keep the melting cheese from 
dripping out.  "Damn it, we shoulda used a pan," he grumbled.  Pulling the bread off 
the end of the Dentless, he juggled the hot sandwich for a few seconds, cussing as 
molten cheese ran over his fingers.

Just as he was about to take a big bite, Rancy yelled, "It's pirates!  Get a weapon!"

The remaining four crewmen dropped their roasting sticks and ran for the bunkhouse 
where they kept their weapons.  Keel stood up, wolfed down his sandwich in two bites, 
and yelled, "Which way?"

"Coming from the south!" Rancy called.

From the south, he thought, as he ran through the crate canyons toward the south edge 
of the barge, which was near the bow and slightly to the left.  In that direction, the 
likeliest port for pirates was Dustward itself.  Which meant there was a good chance 
they were... odd, mutated by the residual malice of the destruction magic that had 
devastated the Twisted Lands centuries ago.  He'd heard that such people were often 
driven mad by the energies that shaped them.

Twenty crewmen waited at the rail, brandishing swords, daggers, and cargo hooks.  It 
was a fairly defensible place, since the rail was a sturdy waist-high wooden wall with 
holes at the bottom to let the water drain out.  "You get pirates here often?" Keel 

"Yup," growled the villainous-looking woman next to him, a muscular tattooed person 
with an eye patch and a mostly shaven head except for a crest of six-inch-long raven-
black hair that curved around her head from front to back.  She held a curved, barbed 
dagger in each hand.

Keel hadn't had much contact with her yet, so he said, "In case we're about to die, 
what's your name?"

She glared at him.

He said, "I'm Keel."

"I don't care."

"Nah, see, this isn't me trying to get into your pants or something.  If I was, I'd be 
way more crude and offensive.  This is warriorly cameraderie."

She ignored him, so he shrugged and stared at the approaching ship instead.  It wasn't 
flying a skull and crossbones flag, but there were still ways to tell that it was up 
to no good.  The way it sailed fast directly towards their barge, for instance.  The 
fact that the ship was painted black and showed no lights.  The cannons pointed at 
them, and the heavily armed people crowding the front of the ship and hanging off the 
rigging were clues, too.

He was glad to see that the barge crew didn't look scared.  He assumed they were 
scared -- he knew he was -- but it was good that they had enough self-control not to 
show it.

From up on top of the crates, Captain Hand called out, "I see crossbows!  Get ready to 
duck, lads and lass!"  He had a smaller crate in front of him that he could use for 

Keel felt his cheese sandwich wanting to come up, but he wouldn't let it, not yet.  If 
he did puke, he wanted to do it in a pirate's face.  The pirate ship was swinging 
around now, so as to come up beside the barge for easier boarding.  Pirates stood 
ready with grappling hooks.

The woman he thought of as "mohawk gal" suddenly said, "It's Linda.  My name."

"Good to meet you, Linda."

"Duck!" yelled the Captain.

Keel and Linda dropped down behind the half-wall.  He felt crossbow bolts thunking 
into the other side of it.  Then there was a loud explosion; pieces of splintered wood 
and pottery showered down on them.  He didn't see any bits of the Captain though.

He thought about his horse.  If the pirates won, they'd probably eat Old Brown.  Damn 

The pirate ship bumped against the side of the barge, and grappling hooks flew.  Keel 
thought there weren't likely to be more crossbow bolts because it took a while to wind 
up one of those weapons.  So he stood, swung the Dentless, and slashed the rope that 
was attached to the nearest grapple.  He saw Linda doing the same, and farther along 
the rail in either direction, other bargemen.  However, there were too many grapples.  
Moments later, the first pirates were among them.

Keel had been afraid, but after chopping off just one head, he felt the old certainty 
coming back.  He was good at killing.  In the Gate, he had mostly fought defensively 
against endless hordes of monsters.  But in the course of five hundred years trapped 
there, he had taken many thousands of lives in face to face combat, enough to weary 
and embitter him, enough to turn him from an idealistic young paladin into... whatever 
he was now.  Body parts flew.  He carved a free zone amongst the pirates, and Linda 
guarded his back.  The other bargemen were relieved of pressure as the pirates 
concentrated on him.  From up above, the Captain shouted instructions, and soon the 
bargemen had organized a counteroffensive.  Keel glimpsed planks laid across the 
shifting distance between the two craft, and then the bargemen roared across, hacking 
and impaling with vengeful fury.

Currently there were no enemies near him.  Keel sighed heavily, then looked around for 
whoever needed help.  Seeing a bleeding man, he pulled a hanky from his pocket to use 
as a bandage and began to stanch the flow of blood.  He glanced expectantly at Linda 
but she still stood ready to fight.

Soon, it was over.  The Captain came down to talk to him.  The old man had lost his 
right arm at the elbow, probably from the cannon blast.  It was crudely bandaged, but 
the Captain was white with shock.  "Thanks for your help," he grated.  "You've saved 
our boat.  I'll refund your fare, but that's all I can do.  We lost some valuable 

"Keep the money," Keel said.  "I knew the Trier was risky."  He looked around.  
Everyone in need of medical help was getting it.  Relatively few bargemen were beyond 
help.  "What about that ship, and the men on it?"

"They're all dead.  We'll take whatever we can find of value, and sink the ship."

There were no further incidents on the Trier.  In due time, the Flying Pig hove into 
view of Dustward.  There was a dock, and the plan was to leave Keel and Old Brown 
there, then proceed along the coast to Lirith Kai, where the Pig's cargo was due.

Linda waited with him as they drew near.  He said, "Thanks for watching my back," and 
then she kissed him.  Surprisingly for a woman of her appearance, she didn't have bad 
breath.  She said, "Whether or not we meet again, know I am your friend."

He nodded, holding his horse's bridle.  "Same here, Linda."  He didn't add that his 
heart belonged to someone else.  But then, maybe Linda hadn't been offering to be his 

Old Brown didn't even need to be blindfolded for the gangplank.  He could see land, 
and was anxious to get there.  They walked onto the dock, and Keel turned to wave 

Up on top of the pilot house, Rancy called out, "You've got a welcoming committee!"

Striding down the dock was a group of six heavily armed men.  Or rather, four men and 
two... mutants.
               * Song title borrowed from Terry Pratchett's Discworld.  
                   Thank you, Sir Terry, for all the great stories.


Greeting Connoisseurs,

Well, delightful happinstance, we have another Duelmaster, our sister of slice, 
Fillette Minnie.

Grace continues to refine the dance, as does Ophelia the Fit, as Tin Can Scum cannot 
hide from them.

Keep stepping.

Yours in good taste,

Madame I.M. Madame

                                 DUELMASTER'S COLUMN
                             Notes from the arena champ.

Not bad for a butcher's daughter.  My father did say my hands were too deft to stay in 
the shop forever.

Here, I do teh same thing.  Just the meat is more mobile.

                                           -- Fillette Minnie

                                      SPY REPORT

     The sages err'd not in their foretelling of a god descending upon BONSUR, for I, 
Novgorodny Vir, have returned!  RANCID BLOKES had cause to celebrate, after DIRT got 
5 points by beating GRACE.  What can be a greater victory?  CRABAPPLE has taken his 
place as the top, as BONSUR's new Duelmaster.  So who was the warrior seen charging 
into immovable walls and challenging dead trees?  Someone's got a basic problem...   
     My mother wished me to avoid conflict, and seek the gentle trade of Spyreporter. 
But warriors aren't supposed to avoid fights!   
     Ah, the duel!  The roar of the oppenent, the smell of the crowd!  Ask not a 
spymaster for counsel, for he will pontificate long after you have fallen into an 
unconscious stupor.   
     Leave me now, you base fools!  Keep those sands bloody and the buzzards fat!  
BONSUR, I leave you now.  The Duelmaster has agreed to foot my bill at The Swinging 
Aardvark.  'Til next time-- Novgorodny Vir  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 CRABAPPLE 6710                8   1  0    77       SHEWISH PICNIC (580)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-MIDNIGHT HERALD 6739         10   7  1    80       SENTINELS (122)
 FILLETTE MINNIE 6752          9  10  1    71       LADIES OF QUALITY (607)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 OPHELIA THE FIT 6758         12   7  1    60       LADIES OF QUALITY (607)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-ASCENSION 6786                5   3  1    37       SENTINELS (122)
 MOBSTER BISQUE 6761           5   2  0    35       SHEWISH PICNIC (580)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 GRACE 6792                    4   3  1    32       LADIES OF QUALITY (607)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-DAWNBRINGER 6801              3   1  0    16       SENTINELS (122)
 DIRT 5178                     1   1  0    16       RANCID BLOKES (503)
 LIGHT TOUCH 6793              3   4  1    14       LADIES OF QUALITY (607)
-SAND INQUISITOR 6787          3   2  0    11       SENTINELS (122)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-BLADE ARCANA 6790             2   2  1     9       SENTINELS (122)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD                W  L K TEAM NAME            SLAIN BY              TURN Revenge?
NEANDERTHAL DIET 6804   1  1 0 SHEWISH PICNIC 580   SPYMASTER             853  NONE
SNACK 1 6810            0  1 0 SHEWISH PICNIC 580   STONE GOLEM           853  NONE
SNACK 2 6811            0  1 0 SHEWISH PICNIC 580   BANDIT PRINCE         853  NONE

                                     PERSONAL ADS

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

NEANDERTHAL DIET was butchered by SPYMASTER in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
SNACK 1 was butchered by STONE GOLEM in a 1 minute brutal Dark Arena duel.
MISTRESS WURST was easily killed by ARENAMASTER ILHUME' in a 1 minute match.
SNACK 2 was assassinated by BANDIT PRINCE in a 1 minute bloody Dark Arena duel.
FILLETTE MINNIE was bested by CRABAPPLE in a popular 4 minute Title fight.
OPHELIA THE FIT subdued CAPTURED PIRATE in a 3 minute master vs. beginner competition.
MOBSTER BISQUE defeated LIGHT TOUCH in a exciting 1 minute struggle.
GRACE unbelievably bested DIRT in a 3 minute gory competition.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|BASHING ATTACK                   3         PARRY-LUNGE        6 -   1 -  0      86  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    2         TOTAL PARRY       10 -   2 -  0      83  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                  1         STRIKING ATTACK    5 -   2 -  0      71  |
|TOTAL PARRY                      1         BASHING ATTACK     9 -   8 -  1      53  |
|AIMED BLOW                       1         PARRY-RIPOSTE     12 -  11 -  1      52  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     1         WALL OF STEEL      1 -   1 -  1      50  |
|LUNGING ATTACK                   1         AIMED BLOW         4 -   4 -  0      50  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                  1         LUNGING ATTACK     5 -   5 -  0      50  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      0         SLASHING ATTACK    7 -  12 -  2      37  |
|WALL OF STEEL                    0         PARRY-STRIKE       3 -   9 -  1      25  |

Turn 853 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

PARRY-RIPOSTE      2 -  0     AIMED BLOW         0 -  1         2  TOTAL PARRY    
STRIKING ATTACK    1 -  0     PARRY-LUNGE        0 -  0         2  SLASHING ATTACK
TOTAL PARRY        1 -  0     PARRY-STRIKE       0 -  1         2  PARRY-RIPOSTE  
                              LUNGING ATTACK     0 -  1         1  PARRY-STRIKE   
                              SLASHING ATTACK    0 -  1         1  LUNGING ATTACK 
                              BASHING ATTACK     0 -  3         1  STRIKING ATTACK
                              WALL OF STEEL      0 -  0         1  AIMED BLOW     
                                                                1  BASHING ATTACK 

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
TOTAL PARRY      CRABAPPLE 6710              8   1  0   77 SHEWISH PICNIC (580)
PARRY-RIPOSTE    OPHELIA THE FIT 6758       12   7  1   60 LADIES OF QUALITY (607)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is FILLETTE MINNIE 6752.  The most popular warrior this 
turn was FILLETTE MINNIE 6752.  The ten other most popular fighters were MOBSTER 

The least popular fighter this week was SNACK 2 6811.  The other ten least popular 
fighters were SNACK 1 6810, LIGHT TOUCH 6793, CRABAPPLE 6710, MISTRESS WURST 6809, 
6761, and FILLETTE MINNIE 6752.