Date   : 02/19/2018    Duedate: 03/03/2018


DM-26    TURN-826

This Weeks Top Honors


(26-5048) [9-5-0,111]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

OMNITRITION                    FINGER FOOD
WASTING AWAY (499)             DEVIL'S FOOD 2 (529)
(26-5048) [9-5-0,111]          (26-5374) [2-0-1,27]

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

ONE TOUCH                      OMNITRITION
WARCKERS (362)                 WASTING AWAY (499)
(26-5285) [16-18-1,67]         (26-5048) [9-5-0,111]



Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. WASTING AWAY (499)          35
2. DEVIL'S FOOD 2 (529)        13      WARCKERS (362)
3. DISASTER DUCKS (517)         5      Unchartered Team
4. FIST (503)                  -4
5. WARCKERS (362)             -11      DEVIL'S FOOD 2 (529)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 1*DEVIL'S FOOD 2 (529)       4   0  1  100   1/ 1 WARCKERS (362)            6  8 1
 2/ 2 WARCKERS (362)           723 542 43 57.2   2/ 3*DEVIL'S FOOD 2 (529)      4  0 1
 3/ 3 FIST (503)               134 131  6 50.6   3/ 2 FIST (503)                4  6 1
 4/ 4 WASTING AWAY (499)        10  11  0 47.6   4/ 4 WASTING AWAY (499)        2  4 0
 5/ 0*DISASTER DUCKS (517)       0   2  0  0.0   5/ 0*DISASTER DUCKS (517)      0  1 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                      SPY REPORT

     So why do I have this bag over my head?  Because I am The Unknown Spymaster and 
I'm going to give you a spy report!.  Hey everybody, watch out for ETERNAL 
SPAMNATION, who flew up 7 points in the rankings after mashing SHARP TEETH like a 
melon.  Keep your eye on this beast.  Ya know, some days it doesn't pay to walk out 
on the sands.  ONE TOUCH was subdued by NOBLE ASSASSIN and drops 5 points.  What does 
the Duelmaster and Piltdown Man have in common?  They are both the most challenged 
apes in human history!  Heyheyhey!  It's a proud day for the WASTING AWAY stable, as 
their warrior, OMNITRITION, ascended the Duelmaster's throne.  4 out of 5 gladiators 
surveyed protect the body, so try and avoid aiming at that location.   
     But enough of that bunch, let's get on to the wimps who like to avoid battle!  
Here's a song for you:  Who's afraid of the big, bad WARCKERS?  Big bad WARCKERS.  
Big bad WARCKERS.  CALEAM's afraid of the big bad WARCKERS.  Tra la la la la!  Okay, 
so I may not be funny, but catch WASTING AWAY's act in the arena.  Those acrobats 
seem to be fairly deft at running from WARCKERS.   
     Death is kind of like a new puppy:  he's always around wanting to play.  (Ha 
Zontani, how's that for a wise saying?).  Big deal, so MORE COWBELL got mashed in the 
Dark Arena.  With his face he was more at home with the trolls than with us. (Waka 
waka).  MORE COWBELL says to his dog--'Who should I fight this week?'.  Dog says 
'SPYMASTER'.  So the guy dies.  Moral?  Put lying dogs to sleep.  Ask not the elves 
for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.  Silly buggers, eh?   
     Well, there's the manager of the CALEAM giving me the 'cut' sign (or is that 
'They're going to strangle you in the alley?).  Well, there goes another Spy Report.  
Good luck in next week's fights.  And remember, you can pick your friends and you can 
pick your--(loud boos), oh, you've heard that one already!-- The Unknown Spymaster  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 OMNITRITION 5048              9   5  0   111       WASTING AWAY (499)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 THE ART 5352                  8   4  0    88       FIST (503)
 ONE TOUCH 5285               16  18  1    67       WARCKERS (362)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-SUPERSONIC 5360               4   0  0    54       WARCKERS (362)
 54 DRAWERS 5293              11  14  1    49       FIST (503)
 ANGEL'S MERCY 5369            3   0  0    39       WARCKERS (362)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-DABA 5383                     1   0  1    31       FIST (503)
 BIG KNUCKLES 5353             7   5  2    28       FIST (503)
 FINGER FOOD 5374              2   0  1    27       DEVIL'S FOOD 2 (529)
 ETERNAL SPAMNATION 5377       2   0  0    26       DEVIL'S FOOD 2 (529)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 EARTHQUACK 5226               0   2  0    12       DISASTER DUCKS (517)
 SHARP TEETH 5362              1   2  1    10       WARCKERS (362)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD                W  L K TEAM NAME            SLAIN BY              TURN Revenge?
MORE COWBELL 5332      13  7 3 WARCKERS 362         SPYMASTER             826  NONE
FLETCHERIZING 5385      0  1 0 WASTING AWAY 499     DARK CHAMPION         826  NONE
MACRO 5384              0  1 0 WASTING AWAY 499     BANDIT PRINCE         826  NONE

                                     PERSONAL ADS

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

MORE COWBELL was butchered by SPYMASTER in a 1 minute bloody Dark Arena fight.
FLETCHERIZING was viciously butchered by DARK CHAMPION in a 2 minute battle.
MACRO was savagely slain by BANDIT PRINCE in a 2 minute gruesome Dark Arena fight.
THE ART was devastated by OMNITRITION in a 1 minute one-sided Title contest.
ONE TOUCH was defeated by NOBLE ASSASSIN in a 2 minute match.
54 DRAWERS viciously subdued VISITING ORC in a 3 minute gory uneven brawl.
BIG KNUCKLES was bested by ANGEL'S MERCY in a 1 minute match.
FINGER FOOD devastated EARTHQUACK in a 1 minute one-sided competition.
SHARP TEETH was handily defeated by ETERNAL SPAMNATION in a 1 minute uneven melee.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|AIMED BLOW                       4         PARRY-STRIKE       2 -   0 -  1     100  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   4         WALL OF STEEL      2 -   0 -  0     100  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                  2         STRIKING ATTACK    4 -   2 -  0      67  |
|WALL OF STEEL                    1         TOTAL PARRY        5 -   3 -  0      63  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      1         PARRY-RIPOSTE      2 -   2 -  0      50  |
|TOTAL PARRY                      1         PARRY-LUNGE        4 -   4 -  0      50  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     0         SLASHING ATTACK    3 -   4 -  2      43  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    0         BASHING ATTACK     8 -  12 -  1      40  |
|LUNGING ATTACK                   0         AIMED BLOW        13 -  21 -  0      38  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                  0         LUNGING ATTACK     0 -   3 -  0       0  |

Turn 826 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

WALL OF STEEL      1 -  0     BASHING ATTACK     1 -  3         4  AIMED BLOW     
AIMED BLOW         2 -  2     PARRY-LUNGE        0 -  1         4  BASHING ATTACK 
SLASHING ATTACK    1 -  1     PARRY-STRIKE       0 -  0         1  WALL OF STEEL  
                              PARRY-RIPOSTE      0 -  0         1  STRIKING ATTACK
                              LUNGING ATTACK     0 -  0         1  SLASHING ATTACK
                              STRIKING ATTACK    0 -  0     
                              TOTAL PARRY        0 -  1     

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
WALL OF STEEL    OMNITRITION 5048            9   5  0  111 WASTING AWAY (499)
AIMED BLOW       THE ART 5352                8   4  0   88 FIST (503)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is ONE TOUCH 5285.  The most popular warrior this turn 
was FLETCHERIZING 5385.  The ten other most popular fighters were OMNITRITION 5048, 
COWBELL 5332, MACRO 5384, FINGER FOOD 5374, THE ART 5352, and BIG KNUCKLES 5353.

The least popular fighter this week was SHARP TEETH 5362.  The other ten least 
popular fighters were EARTHQUACK 5226, BIG KNUCKLES 5353, THE ART 5352, FINGER FOOD 
ANGEL'S MERCY 5369, and ONE TOUCH 5285.


We have planned our summer FTF for July 13-15, 2018, in Arlington, Virginia, only 7 
miles on a quick Metro ride from Washington, D.C.!.  It will be held at the Holiday 
Inn Arlington at Ballston.  Room rates are $79 per night on 7/12 and 7/15 and $129 on 
7/13 and 7/14, 1-2 occupancy.  There's free wireless throughout the property as well 
as a fitness center, outdoor pool, and business center, as well as a resturant and bar 
inside the hotel.  There is no airport shuttle and parking is $7/day.  The rooms are 
blocked -- ask for the Reality Simulations block.  Reservations must be made by 6/12.  
(As always if you have issues making reservations, please let us know!)  

                       Hotel site:  http://www.hiarlington.com 

Look for the tournament info sheet and minioverviews some time in June.  We hope 
you're all looking forward to it and that we will see you there!

                                          -- RSI

                             Mission to the Twisted Lands

                                     Episode One

     Old Brown could run pretty fast if properly motivated, but mostly he walked with 
a long-legged, distance-devouring stride.  He was a huge horse, a half-giant's 
warhorse, shaggy and self-assured, with muscles like half-buried boulders in his 
shoulders and hips.  Lounging in the saddle was the motivating force, the half-giant, 
Keel Woodhaven.  Although in his mind he was slouching and half-asleep, he sat up 
straight in the saddle since that is more comfortable for riding.
     It was twilight, stars coming out above and lights in farmhouse windows below.  
They traveled through vineyards, brown and fallow now in the winter, descending gently 
toward the tree-crowded coast.  The distant trees, not just pines, were green.  They 
stayed green because the marsh that surrounded the city-state of Bonsur had hot 
springs in it.
     Keel Woodhaven had always liked Bonsur.  It had a relaxed feel about it, the 
women seemed prettier, the music was great, everyone thought about having fun.  And 
the booze was excellent, of course.  He passed the arena at the edge of town, and 
paused to read the current statistics, posted on the gate and lit by a lantern.  So, 
an elven cobbler was the Duelmaster?  Why would a shoemaker take up such a painful 
profession?  Then he noticed the team name:  Shewish Picnic.  He snorted.  That 
explained it, all right.  As a half-Shew, he was kind of bothered by that team theme, 
which was present in Home Guard as well.  It was sort of funny though.  He saw that 
Elf Cobbler was headed for the Isle.  Probably not bound for Home Guard just yet, 
     They passed a small chicken ranch.  A rooster uttered an untimely crow.  At about 
that time, Old Brown took exception to something and bolted.  Cussing, Keel hauled on 
the reins, to little effect since the horse was stronger than him and apparently 
frightened.  He didn't see the masked men coming out of their hiding places behind 
him, looking frustrated.  At least not until a crossbow bolt thunked into the backside 
of his leather cuirass. His horse screamed and ran faster.
     Hauling Old Brown to the left as they passed a set of big open gates into a well-
lighted courtyard, Keel got them behind the shelter of the high stone wall, and patted 
the horse's sweaty neck.  "You're okay now, friend.  I'll go take care of those 
     As he dismounted, he noticed he was becoming surrounded by uniformed men, some 
with swords and some with halberds.
     "Howdy?" he said, hoping they were friendly.
     "Your horse has been shot," said someone, pointing at a bolt sticking out of Old 
Brown's butt.
     "Well damn!"  Keel laid a comforting hand on the horse's flank, which quivered.
     "So have you," the guard continued.
     "Yeah, thought so.  Doesn't feel like it got through the armor though."  Keel 
tried to look over his shoulder, but could only see the feathered end of the bolt.  
"Who are you guys?"
     "We are the Queen's Guard."
     "What?  Queen Gemra?  Okay, please take care of Old Brown here, and I'll go find 
the ***holes that shot him."
     "Sir, you are mistaken.  You will be taken to a doctor.  We will arrest the 
     "Hey!  I'm on a mission from Sheila Greywand.  Anyway, they shot my horse.  My 
HORSE!  I'm gonna get 'em."  Unslinging his huge sword, Keel strode toward the gate.
     Four Guardsmen came with him, flanking him like the trailing ends of a flock of 
geese.  They might have intended a different formation, but he had the longest legs 
and walked the fastest.  The one who'd spoken to him before said, "I'm Corporal Brat 
Langerman.  And you are?"
     "Keel Woodhaven."
     "I've heard of you!  The Queen will want to meet you."
     "That's fine.  Let's stick to the sides of these buildings.  If they're still 
around, we'll be targets in the middle of the street."
     They weren't quiet, exactly, since the guards wore highly polished chain mail 
which jingled.  However, Bonsur had a lively night life.  Music and laughter came from 
bars and nightclubs on adjacent streets, people lingered on corners chatting and 
sometimes playing instruments, and children hawked newssheets, shoeshines, flowers, a 
selection of rouges, and offered to carry packages.  So the sounds the guards made 
weren't too noticeable.
     Keel led the way back to the chicken ranch.  He was thinking that the bad guys 
wouldn't have waited around to be hunted.  They might have left clues, though.  
Perhaps even a discarded, crumpled note offering a cash reward for his head, and 
signed by a notorious crimelord.  Or distinctive cigar stubs, monogrammed hankies... 
personalized masks.  Tracks of boots made by elven cobblers.  Anything.  Witnesses, 
     There were no people on the street near the chicken ranch.  It was full night 
now, a bit chilly although there was a warm and slightly funky breeze from the marsh.
     Corporal Brat Langerman said quietly, "Is this where it happened?"
     "Well, I don't think they're here anymore."
     Keel was about to agree, when a crossbow bolt appeared in the Corporal's arm.  
The young man hissed, "Everybody down!"
     The guardsmen hunkered against the wall of a hardware store, which didn't offer 
anything resembling good cover except that they were in shadow there.  Keel crouched a 
little, but he knew he was a pretty big target, plus his sword gave off a faint 
greenish glow.  He looked around, searching the darkness for signs of their foes.
     A shadow on top of a shaded walkway across the street shifted a little.  Keel 
pulled a weighted dart out of his pocket and hurled it.  He was good at tavern darts, 
but it was dark, the distance was too great, and he just wasn't lucky.  The little 
missile clattered against the shingles of the porch roof.  There was a startled twitch 
from the half-seen form.  At that instant, Keel lunged across the street.  His long 
legs carried him across to the opposite shadows in three bounds.  More bolts came out 
of the darkness, one lodging in his calf, the others missing him altogether.
     Now the Guardsmen had a good idea where their foes were, and it takes a while to 
reload a crossbow.  The four men charged, yelling wildly.  Tucking his sword under his 
arm, Keel grabbed one of the posts holding up the porch roof, strained, and dislodged 
it.  After a moment he yanked it out of the structure entirely.  The roof sagged, 
there was a yelp of surprise, and someone's foot appeared off the edge of it.  Keel 
grabbed him by the ankle and hauled him the rest of the way down.
     There were brief sounds of fighting, then footsteps that rapidly receded down an 
alley.  Three Guardsmen raced off in pursuit.  Keel's prisoner started to try to get 
away, so the half-Shew tossed him up, grabbed him by the arms and bashed him against 
the wall.
     "Are you okay?" asked Brat, sheathing his sword.
     "Took one in the leg, but it's not too bad I think," Keel said, shifting his 
unconscious prisoner to one hand and bending to pick up his sword.
     "I'll help you tie that one up," Brat said.  "There's a dead one here.  I think 
there were two more."  He grunted slightly, trying to reach something with his injured 
arm.  "Got some ties in my right-hand belt pouch.  If you could get them for me?"
     They bound the prisoner, then bandaged each other.
     "What did they want?" asked the Corporal.
     Keel shrugged.  "No clue.  Let's get him somewhere safe and we can ask him..."  
He listened.  "Your guys are coming back."
     The Guardsmen hadn't been able to track their assailants in the darkness, but at 
least there were no further injuries.  The group of them returned warily to the 
courtyard of the Guard House, where a woman was smearing some kind of ointment on Old 
Brown's wound.  After the horse was bedded down in the stable, the Guardsmen led Keel 
into their office, where there was a welcome scent of fresh coffee.  The medic set 
about binding Keel's wound and that of the Corporal, who turned out to be an extremely 
handsome man.  Keel remembered hearing that Queen Gemra required her Guardsmen to be 
good looking.  That didn't mean they weren't competent, though.  Brat had done pretty 
     The medic roused their prisoner with smelling salts.  They all sat in the main 
office, Corporal Langerman facing the miscreant, who was seated in a cushioned chair, 
looking reasonably comfortable except for his bandaged head.  "All right," said Brat.  
"Now I want you to tell me that you're going to turn Queen's Evidence."
     "Not on your life, pretty boy!"  The man had, perhaps, some excuse for hard 
feelings since he was more homely than not, with a crooked nose and eyes set too close 
together.  He and Keel looked shabby and ill-favored amongst all these gleamingly 
handsome Guardsmen.
     Keel leaned forward.  "You guys shot my horse."
     "Oh.  Sorry, didn't mean to do that.  We were just shooting at you."
     "Glowing sword."
     "Duh, it's a magic sword!  We saw it when you drew it in Delarq Tor, and figured 
we could sell it so we followed you."
     The half-Shew snorted.  "The Dentless isn't magic.  It was in a Chaos Gate for 
five hundred years and it picked up some energy, that's all.  All it does, is glow.  
And cut things."
     The bandit looked chagrined.  "But... it's got to be magic."
     "Ain't.  Sorry kid."
     After that, Keel was taken to enjoy a sumptuous dinner at the Palace.  Queen 
Gemra was a definite babe, with long, silken black hair, a delicate pouty face, and 
luscious curves.  She asked him about his mission, which was to go to the Twisted 
Lands and shut down a leaking Chaos Gate.  He entertained her with the story of his 
adventure on the Two-Shew Express, and she gave him a brown velvet cloak to show her 
appreciation.  She did not invite him to her bed, which was fine because his heart 
belonged to another, always and forever.
                                      * * * * * 

                           This is a continuing adventure.  
         Watch for future chapters in the Bonsur and Home Guard newsletters!