DUEL 2 NEWSLETTER

Date   : 02/22/2018    Duedate: 03/07/2018

NIYTYOLE ISLAND ARENA

DM-33    TURN-825

This Weeks Top Honors

THE DUELMASTER IS

TRUNDLE
FORCE OF FIVE (690)
(33-8763) [21-13-1,129]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

TRUNDLE                        WATER STEED
FORCE OF FIVE (690)            TURTLE CAVALRY (702)
(33-8763) [21-13-1,129]        (33-9027) [3-5-1,51]

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

BREAKNECK                      BREAKNECK
VICIOUS DELITE (695)           VICIOUS DELITE (695)
(33-8843) [13-12-0,103]        (33-8843) [13-12-0,103]

THE CURRENT TOP TEAM

VICIOUS DELITE (695)

          TEAMS ON THE MOVE            TOP CAREER HONORS
Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. FIEND FOLIO (684)           39
2. BRASH BROS XMAS (662)       30      FORCE OF FIVE (690)
3. RAVAGING LORDS (44)         29      Unchartered Team
4. D'ORKS (694)                27
5. VICIOUS DELITE (695)        27      TURTLE CAVALRY (702)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 1 FORCE OF FIVE (690)       99  65  6 60.4   1/ 4 VICIOUS DELITE (695)     10  5 0
 2/ 3 VICIOUS DELITE (695)      74  51  3 59.2   2/ 3 FORCE OF FIVE (690)       9  5 1
 3/ 2 FLIRT WITH DIRT (293)     55  40  4 57.9   3/ 5 BRASH BROS XMAS (662)     9  5 0
 4/ 4 SLORBUST (681)           122  95  4 56.2   4/ 2 BIG LAKE BANDITS (71)     9  6 1
 5/ 8 FIEND FOLIO (684)         82  74  3 52.6   5/ 1 THE ILLEARTH (265)        9  6 0
 6/ 6 DYSTOPIAN OVERLORD (667) 166 152 12 52.2   6/ 7 D'ORKS (694)              8  7 1
 7/ 7 OBSIDIAN HALL (192)      617 568 42 52.1   7/12 NYE MAULERS (269)         7  8 4
 8/10 BRASH BROS XMAS (662)    196 188 20 51.0   8/13 FIEND FOLIO (684)         7  8 0
 9/ 9 BIG LAKE BANDITS (71)    854 821 76 51.0   9/11 RAVAGING LORDS (44)       6  4 0
10/11 RAVAGING LORDS (44)      432 434 34 49.9  10/ 6*TURTLE CAVALRY (702)      6  9 2
11-12 BAD BREAD (95)           340 349 23 49.3  11-10 UYPHY'S FOLLIES (703)     5  5 0
12-13 UYPHY'S FOLLIES (703)     23  26  0 46.9  12/15 THE DEMONIC PICKLE (674)  5  5 0
13/14 THE ILLEARTH (265)       353 406 27 46.5  13/17 SLORBUST (681)            5  7 0
14-15 XXX BANDITS (614)        147 183  9 44.5  14/ 9 DYSTOPIAN OVERLORD (667)  4  6 0
15/16 D'ORKS (694)              63  85  5 42.6  15/16 OBSIDIAN HALL (192)       4 11 0
16/17 NYE MAULERS (269)        242 351 44 40.8  16/14 WAR COUNCIL (669)         3  6 0
17/18 THE DEMONIC PICKLE (674) 112 179  8 38.5  17/ 8 FLIRT WITH DIRT (293)     3  7 0
18/19 WAR COUNCIL (669)         52 108  3 32.5  18-18 BAD BREAD (95)            2  2 0

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
19/20*TURTLE CAVALRY (702)      10  29  2 25.6  19-19 XXX BANDITS (614)         0  2 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                      SPY REPORT

     You elder fighters surely remember me.  The younger ones may call me Olaf 
Modeen.  I return to NIYTYOLE ISLAND once again!  Biff!  Pow!  NIYTYOLE ISLAND 
watched with glee as THE ILLEARTH got knocked off top spot by VICIOUS DELITE!  
Hmmmph!  I always thought FLIRT WITH DIRT was an over-rated team and they proved it 
with a 0-3-0!  Up 'n down.  Up 'n down.  Rankings always change.  Up 'n down.  I 
think I'm gonna be...  Well, NYE MAULERS' 7th moved them up to 3-2-2 place.  FIEND 
FOLIO showed NIYTYOLE ISLAND what they were made of as they fought with a vengeance 
to walk off with 4-1-0.  What's with DEATH SLAAD?  He actually beat FLIRT WITH DIRT's 
ADOLF HITLER, and walked away with 23 more points from the fight.  Laughs were big at 
DYSTOPIAN OVERLORDS while they watched MASS HYPNOSIS clobber PEERLESS.  He lost 14 
points and got bruised from objects thrown from the stands.  Apparently NIYTYOLE 
ISLAND isn't filled with as many gutless wonders as I thought.  The Dreaded 
Duelmaster got 7 challenges this turn!  NIYTYOLE ISLAND has a Duelmaster who doesn't 
sit back and get lazy.  He challenged FORCE OF FIVE's TRUNDLE (21-13-1), which should 
prove (ahem!) interesting.  I can barely restrain my enthusiam for FORCE OF FIVE's 
outstanding member, Duelmaster TRUNDLE.  Wouldn't it be nice to have live subjects to 
practice on?  I hear some team is looking into the uses of convicted prisoners.   
     Speaking of cowardly avoiders and unfair challenges...  How well I know the 
feeling of being in the most avoided team!  Don't fall out of practive, VICIOUS 
DELITE!  Management must be dealin', as the boys at BRASH BROS XMAS ain't reelin'!  
VICIOUS DELITE's mad!  Taunt your opponent CONAUGHT!  That was my lucky charm when I 
was unfairly challenged.  (and by 20 points!)  FEEDERS should have an easy win.  
FEEDERS defeated CONAUGHT.  THE ILLEARTH calls this fighting?  In my day...  I hate 
going to the effort of writing about the kind of fights that AH TOE gets in.  He 
fights people like RAMMUS, 12 points below.  I thought AH TOE showed great skill and 
promise when he bested RAMMUS.  All right, so I slept through it!  Big deal!   
     Warriors of NIYTYOLE ISLAND unite.  You have only your games to lose!  KAIRN 
looked pretty sick and surprised when he learned OBSIDIAN HALL is sending him to the 
Dark Arena!  Whadd'he expect with a 14-11-1?  WATER STEED larned his lesson (THE 
UNCHOSEN ONE taught it well), and we right likely won't be seein' 'im fight any THE 
ILLEARTH members with the same gusto.  Many a warrior has met his fate in a hungover 
stupor.  You young rapscallions, take note!   
     Well, I'm pretty much through.  You guys need to get back practicing.  Are you 
as tired of reading this as I am of writing it?  Actually, I guess I'm writing it 
before you read it.  Oh, well.  I don't want to overstay my welcome...-- Olaf Modeen  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 TRUNDLE 8763                 21  13  1   129       FORCE OF FIVE (690)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SPIRIT'S DREAM 8669          32  14  0   121       BIG LAKE BANDITS (71)
 HELBENDT 8841                19   6  1   107       VICIOUS DELITE (695)
 BREAKNECK 8843               13  12  0   103       VICIOUS DELITE (695)
 HIJACKED RADIO 8665          18  14  5   102       BRASH BROS XMAS (662)
 BORKDUP 8902                 16   6  1   102       D'ORKS (694)
-BEDAZZLER 8381               20  15  0   101       XXX BANDITS (614)
 SOYLENT GREEN 8779           15  16  1   100       DYSTOPIAN OVERLORDS (667)
 GIBRALTAR 8844               17   8  0    96       VICIOUS DELITE (695)
 TOO MUCH PAPER 8713          18  16  2    95       BRASH BROS XMAS (662)
 DEATH SLAAD 8859             16   9  2    92       FIEND FOLIO (684)
 GLOOM 8789                   21  13  0    91       OBSIDIAN HALL (192)
 AH TOE 8863                  21   7  0    91       BIG LAKE BANDITS (71)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 THE UNCHOSEN ONE 8879        14  11  1    88       THE ILLEARTH (265)
 BAGUL 8733                   21  18  0    85       THE DEMONIC PICKLES (674)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 LARLU 8907                   13  10  1    85       SLORBUST (681)
 THE AWRY ASCENT 8666         19  20  0    83       DYSTOPIAN OVERLORDS (667)
 OB (SERVANT) 8805            14  13  0    83       DYSTOPIAN OVERLORDS (667)
 SNOWED IN 8846                9  16  1    83       BRASH BROS XMAS (662)
 SCURVY 8704                  19  24  1    82       THE DEMONIC PICKLES (674)
 AANA STORMHAIR 8965          10   5  0    82       OBSIDIAN HALL (192)
 RAMMUS 8876                  15   7  0    76       FORCE OF FIVE (690)
 PENANGGALAN 8968             11   7  0    76       FIEND FOLIO (684)
 ADOLF HITLER 3813            16   7  0    75       FLIRT WITH DIRT (293)
 ERMAC 8361                   14  24  2    70       WAR COUNCIL (669)
-BUM 3770                     11   6  1    68       FLIRT WITH DIRT (293)
 MEEATU 8969                  11   9  0    67       D'ORKS (694)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SHOOTER MCGAVIN 9020          8   7  1    66       BIG LAKE BANDITS (71)
 MOE 3772                     13   8  2    64       FLIRT WITH DIRT (293)
 KYMZO KAKASHI 8365           12  26  0    62       WAR COUNCIL (669)
 THE SAVAGE 9037               8   4  1    59       VICIOUS DELITE (695)
 RECYCLE OVERFLOW 8911        10  14  0    57       BRASH BROS XMAS (662)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 MASS HYPNOSIS 8986            6   6  0    56       DYSTOPIAN OVERLORDS (667)
 PENCE 8809                    5   4  0    54       RAVAGING LORDS (44)
 SATAN'S FOOT 8963             7  13  0    52       THE ILLEARTH (265)
-KING CRUMPET 8909            11   8  0    51       BAD BREAD (95)
 WATER STEED 9027              3   5  1    51       TURTLE CAVALRY (702)
 TRILL BWIST 9053              6   3  0    45       SLORBUST (681)
 AMON AMARTH 9045              6   5  1    43       THE ILLEARTH (265)
 THE BEAN THIEF 9108           4   1  1    42       BIG LAKE BANDITS (71)
 KARSUS 8682                   8  16  1    41       WAR COUNCIL (669)
 TEEMO 9056                    6   3  0    41       FORCE OF FIVE (690)
 PEERLESS 8739                 7   9  0    36       RAVAGING LORDS (44)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 NIDALEE 9057                  6   3  0    33       FORCE OF FIVE (690)
 AMPHIBIAN FURY 9030           3   5  0    33       TURTLE CAVALRY (702)
 VULCAN 9129                   2   1  1    33       NYE MAULERS (269)
 HASSELHOOF 9105               5   0  1    32       D'ORKS (694)
 IMBRUED FIST 9079             5   1  0    32       RAVAGING LORDS (44)
 STABBY 9021                   7   8  0    29       D'ORKS (694)
-AUGUST LUPTON 9042            6   4  0    27       UYPHY'S FOLLIES (703)
 GIANT TROLL 9048              5   7  0    27       FIEND FOLIO (684)
 THE DAGGER 9097               3   3  0    27       VICIOUS DELITE (695)
 TOOFWESS 9134                 2   0  1    27       D'ORKS (694)
 THE DENIM THIEF 9050          4   5  0    25       NYE MAULERS (269)
-RUFUS WICKES 9038             7   3  0    24       UYPHY'S FOLLIES (703)
 FEEDERS 9096                  6   0  0    24       THE ILLEARTH (265)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 BARNABY 9031                  2   5  1    23       TURTLE CAVALRY (702)
 KRATOS 9061                   5   3  0    21       THE DEMONIC PICKLES (674)
 GRAVES 9107                   2   2  1    21       FORCE OF FIVE (690)
 CRYPT THING 9109              2   3  0    21       FIEND FOLIO (684)
-DEATH PRETZEL 8989            1   5  0    20       BAD BREAD (95)
 ELIGOS 9145                   1   0  0    20       THE DEMONIC PICKLES (674)
 ALICE COOPER 9135             2   0  1    17       NYE MAULERS (269)
 MR FRIDAYNIGHT 9051           2   7  0    17       NYE MAULERS (269)
 INCUBIS 9080                  4   2  0    16       RAVAGING LORDS (44)
-LINDSEY LOU 8930              3   1  0    16       XXX BANDITS (614)
-CRAZY DAISEY 8898             3   2  0    16       XXX BANDITS (614)
-TAINTED LOAF 9062             1   1  0    16       BAD BREAD (95)
-TIFFANY NEWMONT 9126          1   1  0    14       UYPHY'S FOLLIES (703)
 THONE 9074                    3   4  0    13       SLORBUST (681)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-RUMPLE EPIDERMIS 9068         2   2  1    13       FLIRT WITH DIRT (293)
 NABERIOUS 9144                1   0  0    13       THE DEMONIC PICKLES (674)
 TURBO 9028                    1   7  0    11       TURTLE CAVALRY (702)
 FAMILY AWAY 9131              1   1  0    11       BRASH BROS XMAS (662)
 BLACK WALTZ 9082              2   3  1    10       DYSTOPIAN OVERLORDS (667)
 QULLAN 9101                   2   4  0    10       FIEND FOLIO (684)
-DRY WHITE TOAST 9072          1   0  0     9       BAD BREAD (95)
-ELIZA KESWICK 9083            2   2  0     8       UYPHY'S FOLLIES (703)
 TETRARCH 9133                 1   1  0     8       THE ILLEARTH (265)
-PENELOPE ALDEN 9127           1   1  0     8       UYPHY'S FOLLIES (703)
 ADAMANTAISE 9090              1   5  0     8       TURTLE CAVALRY (702)
 THE BIG DOPE 9146             1   0  1     7       NYE MAULERS (269)
 ICHABOD 9130                  0   2  0     6       RAVAGING LORDS (44)
 CONAUGHT 9124                 0   2  0     4       SLORBUST (681)
-MAN OF OAK 9073               0   1  0     1       WAR COUNCIL (669)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD                W  L K TEAM NAME            SLAIN BY              TURN Revenge?
LIONES 4187             5  3 0 ANIMAL DEZIRE 347    THE UNCHOSEN ONE 8879 822   
RAZZLE DAZZLE 9136      0  2 0 BIG LAKE BANDITS 71  ALICE COOPER 9135     825   
OVEREATING 9094         0  1 0 BRASH BROS XMAS 662  BARNABY 9031          823  JUST REVENGED
CREEPING CHARLIE 9137   0  1 0 FLIRT WITH DIRT 293  THE BIG DOPE 9146     825   
LADY GARDEN 9102        2  1 0 FLIRT WITH DIRT 293  GRAVES 9107           824   
GNINJA BADASS 9089      1  1 0 HE BE GBS 693        HASSELHOOF 9105       821  NOT REVENGED
RED BYRON 9128          1  1 1 NYE MAULERS 269      TOOFWESS 9134         824   
HASA BREAKHAMMER 9104   0  4 0 OBSIDIAN HALL 192    ARENAMASTER KAGH      825  NONE
KAIRN 8791             14 12 1 OBSIDIAN HALL 192    SPYMASTER             825  NONE
OBBEKARK 9075           3  4 0 OBSIDIAN HALL 192    THE BEAN THIEF 9108   825   
MR. TRUMP 8807          2  5 0 RAVAGING LORDS 44    THE SAVAGE 9037       822   
SHEHITS 8990            4 10 1 SLORBUST 681         MOE 3772              822  JUST REVENGED
BELA 9099               1  3 0 THE DEMONIC PICK 674 VULCAN 9129           824   
CLEVER NAME 9095        3  1 0 THE ILLEARTH 265     WATER STEED 9027      823  JUST REVENGED
ARABELLE BEXLEY 9092    0  2 0 UYPHY'S FOLLIES 703  AMON AMARTH 9045      822   

                                     PERSONAL ADS

Ah, yes, Ms. Scarlet Den, our grannies done told us that if we couldn't say something 
positive about anyone, we shouldn't say anything, so we will remain quiet about 
y'all.. -- The Consortium Folk

Lady Smith / Tar -- Duelmaster?!?  Yeah, I'm surprised.  Why is he still sitting on 
the throne and not being a Lord Protector!?!  I read his column and he blames the 
commission...  He calls me a hard manager, yet it was that hardness that helped him 
train to a TC in the first place! As far as expectations?!?  Of course my expectations 
are high.  If I set them low, he'd not meet those lower standards!!! -- Assur

Lady Smith / Smithy -- I'm not sure I've ever seen a team win both the Chartered Team 
and the Unchartered Team career awards.  Congratulations USEFUL WEAPONS/COWARDS GUILD 
for winning both at once! -- Assur

All -- Lady Garden TP 12-18-12-9-11-5-17 Ambi, can sustain Tremendous Damage, does 
Great Damage. -- Weirdo

Presstone -- Shame!!  For shame, I say!  In one fell swoop you have knocked my stable 
from the top career spot and foiled my evil plans to add a second scummy Total Parry 
to my lineup.  It's all unraveling before me now.  I'm ruined!  My team is in 
shambles!  I am doomed to drop off into obscurity, never to be relevant or heard from 
again! -- Weirdo, Coward of Niytyole

All -- Gah!!  Me been giving persunal skribble-skribbles to Meeatu to take to 
postmaster.  Me finds out she be eatin skribble-skribbles!! Krazee she-ork.  She eat 
anything. -- D'Ork King

Kairn --  Me not likee dat fight.  Me thinks it da losing part. -- Borkdup, last of 
the Dups.

Rammus -- Ooh...not fair!  Me had meat tenderizer all ready for yummee Dwarf steak.  
You ruin feast. -- Meeatu

King Krum's Pet -- Bad pet!  No bite da she-ork!  -- Stabby

Tiffanee Whatever --     -- Hasselhoof

Dead Byron -- Nebber ebber ebber hit dis she-ork in neck.  It tickles...makes me mad.  
Now you ith dead. -- Toofwess

Meeatu --            Rokay             -- Rammus

Little Adolf -- Trundle is not guilty of colluding with the Gladiatorial Commission to 
get that favorable match-up but thank you for helping make Trolls great again! -- 
Presstone

Philthy Phil -- I should have been able to smell Satan's smelly foot coming a mile 
away and avoided that challenge but grats on the win.  I have to give anyone with the 
guts to run a Parry Riposter in this arena props. -- Presstone

Tainted Loaf --
Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted bread you've given
I give you all a girl could give you
 -- Nidalee

Undertaker -- Get three coffins ready... wait, make that four -- Graves (chews on his 
cigar).

Apparently Den & Darkfart sat in the sun too long in Phoenix.  Something is wrong 
(beyond the normal wrong that defines them) with them, thinking anyone would listen or 
abide by their will.  I hear even Darkfart's plushies disobey him. -- Bashur
P.S. Gloom's loss last turn was thoroughly entertaining.  Apparently not scummy 
enough.

Weirdo -- What you call sex the rest of us call... uhhh...  we don't call that 
anything.  I try and keep my mind FAR away from the thoughts and motives that you 
possess (or perhaps possess you?) -- General Bashur

Niytyole -- After observing the goings on in the religious arm of the "mighty" Allied 
Axis, I have determined that it is an utter mess!  I will begin taking steps to 
rectify this atrocity immediately!  My first order of business is to appoint a Chief 
Inquisitor.  This person will report directly to me and will be charged with rooting 
out waste, corruption (that I haven't approved of anyway), and incompetence within the 
AA.  To undertake this most serious of charges I present to you General Bashur, your 
new Chief Inquisitor of the Allied Axis! -- DD

Kairn!  Small shield?  Really?  Dark Arena for you!  Yeah, you're immortal now I know 
but you can still feel pain. -- DD
P.S. Take Hasa with you.  Commission never got that name right anyway.

AA -- Thanks for the coordinated challenges, reminds me that every once in a while you 
might actually be worth paying attention to! -- DD

Scurvy -- How about a rematch when I DON'T try to pummel you to death with my fists!? 
-- Aana

Var -- If Gloom had to lose the throne at least it goes to a worthy IC warrior! -- DD

Phil -- Great fight!  He was "Unchosen" last turn. -- Chad

Obsidian Hall -- A win against Phil is great.  A win against you... priceless!  May 
more swing in my favor. -- Chad

Crambus -- How much do you want Vulcan to suffer?  One turn?  Two turns?  If you were 
Phil, there would be no mercy, but I respect you juuust a bit more... -- Chad

Phil -- Nice job!  The current top team. -- Chad
P.S. Technically, it's Den's position.

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

KAIRN was dealt death by SPYMASTER in a crowd pleasing 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
HASA BREAKHAMMER was slaughtered by ARENAMASTER KAGHAL in a 1 minute battle.
HIJACKED RADIO subdued BARNABY in a 2 minute uneven Bloodfeud fight.
THE UNCHOSEN ONE viciously subdued WATER STEED in a 1 minute Bloodfeud contest.
LARLU savagely defeated MOE in a 3 minute master's Bloodfeud competition.
SCURVY was devastated by VULCAN in a 2 minute mismatched Bloodfeud match.
MR FRIDAYNIGHT was handily defeated by TOOFWESS in a 1 minute uneven Bloodfeud fight.
ICHABOD was vanquished by THE SAVAGE in a 1 minute uneven Bloodfeud duel.
SOYLENT GREEN was defeated by TRUNDLE in a 3 minute expert's Challenge Title duel.
THE AWRY ASCENT was overpowered by BORKDUP in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge melee.
OB (SERVANT) was narrowly defeated by TOO MUCH PAPER in a 2 minute competition.
SHOOTER MCGAVIN was bested by PENANGGALAN in a 1 minute Challenge battle.
GIBRALTAR outlasted BAGUL in a unpopular 12 minute veteran's Challenge brawl.
AH TOE viciously subdued RAMMUS in a tiring 42 minute bloody expert's Challenge fight.
MEEATU slimly won victory over SATAN'S FOOT in a exciting 2 minute Challenge fray.
PEERLESS was devastated by MASS HYPNOSIS in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge brawl.
TRILL BWIST overpowered THE DENIM THIEF in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge match.
TEEMO overpowered STABBY in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge match.
AMON AMARTH handily defeated NIDALEE in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge competition.
THE DAGGER defeated FAMILY AWAY in a 1 minute Challenge duel.
GRAVES was subdued by AMPHIBIAN FURY in a 1 minute Challenge bout.
THE BEAN THIEF easily killed OBBEKARK in a 1 minute uneven Challenge duel.
FEEDERS bested CONAUGHT in a 3 minute Challenge bout.
INCUBIS subdued BLACK WALTZ in a popular 1 minute Challenge fight.
TETRARCH lost to CRYPT THING in a 2 minute gruesome novice's Challenge match.
BREAKNECK was luckily beaten by SPIRIT'S DREAM in a 12 minute veteran's bout.
HELBENDT viciously subdued GLOOM in a action packed 3 minute brutal veteran's fray.
AANA STORMHAIR overcame ERMAC in a exciting 1 minute gory duel.
ADOLF HITLER was savagely defeated by DEATH SLAAD in a popular 6 minute expert's duel.
SNOWED IN luckily beat VENOMOUS CONCUBINE in a exciting 3 minute veteran's fight.
KYMZO KAKASHI was beaten by PENCE in a crowd pleasing 1 minute one-sided fray.
KARSUS was vanquished by RECYCLE OVERFLOW in a exciting 1 minute mismatched fight.
HASSELHOOF outlasted TURBO in a tiresome 12 minute struggle.
GIANT TROLL handily defeated ADAMANTAISE in a 2 minute one-sided fight.
KRATOS subdued QULLAN in a 2 minute conflict.
THONE was demolished by IMBRUED FIST in a 1 minute one-sided duel.
RAZZLE DAZZLE was savagely slain by ALICE COOPER in a 2 minute novice's duel.
CREEPING CHARLIE was viciously butchered by THE BIG DOPE in a 2 minute novice's duel.
NABERIOUS demolished CONVICTED THIEF in a 1 minute uneven duel.
ELIGOS devastated EMBEZZLING SCRIBE in a 1 minute mismatched match.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|LUNGING ATTACK                  15         TOTAL PARRY       83 -  51 -  3      62  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                 13         LUNGING ATTACK    88 -  79 -  9      53  |
|TOTAL PARRY                     12         WALL OF STEEL     34 -  32 -  5      52  |
|WALL OF STEEL                    8         SLASHING ATTACK   43 -  42 -  2      51  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   7         BASHING ATTACK    40 -  41 -  4      49  |
|AIMED BLOW                       7         PARRY-RIPOSTE     22 -  30 -  2      42  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                  6         STRIKING ATTACK   63 -  87 - 11      42  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    4         AIMED BLOW        29 -  43 -  1      40  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      2         PARRY-STRIKE      12 -  18 -  1      40  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     1         PARRY-LUNGE        7 -  21 -  0      25  |

Turn 825 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

BASHING ATTACK     6 -  1     AIMED BLOW         3 -  4         3  TOTAL PARRY    
LUNGING ATTACK    10 -  5     TOTAL PARRY        5 -  7         2  LUNGING ATTACK 
SLASHING ATTACK    4 -  2     WALL OF STEEL      3 -  5         2  STRIKING ATTACK
PARRY-LUNGE        1 -  1     STRIKING ATTACK    4 -  9         2  WALL OF STEEL  
PARRY-RIPOSTE      2 -  2     PARRY-STRIKE       0 -  1         1  BASHING ATTACK 
                                                                1  PARRY-RIPOSTE  

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
BASHING ATTACK   TRUNDLE 8763               21  13  1  129 FORCE OF FIVE (690)
TOTAL PARRY      SPIRIT'S DREAM 8669        32  14  0  121 BIG LAKE BANDITS (71)
LUNGING ATTACK   HELBENDT 8841              19   6  1  107 VICIOUS DELITE (695)
STRIKING ATTACK  BREAKNECK 8843             13  12  0  103 VICIOUS DELITE (695)
WALL OF STEEL    HIJACKED RADIO 8665        18  14  5  102 BRASH BROS XMAS (662)
PARRY-RIPOSTE    DEATH SLAAD 8859           16   9  2   92 FIEND FOLIO (684)
SLASHING ATTACK  AANA STORMHAIR 8965        10   5  0   82 OBSIDIAN HALL (192)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is BREAKNECK 8843.  The most popular warrior this turn 
was BREAKNECK 8843.  The ten other most popular fighters were LARLU 8907, HELBENDT 
8841, DEATH SLAAD 8859, SOYLENT GREEN 8779, ALICE COOPER 9135, MEEATU 8969, BORKDUP 
8902, SNOWED IN 8846, THE BIG DOPE 9146, and THE UNCHOSEN ONE 8879.

The least popular fighter this week was RAMMUS 8876.  The other ten least popular 
fighters were AH TOE 8863, GIBRALTAR 8844, HASSELHOOF 9105, BAGUL 8733, SCURVY 8704, 
RAZZLE DAZZLE 9136, THONE 9074, ADAMANTAISE 9090, ADOLF HITLER 3813, and GRAVES 9107.

The following warriors will travel to AD after next turn:

TRUNDLE (33-8763) FORCE OF FIVE (690)

The following warriors have traveled to AD after fighting this turn:

KAIRN (33-8791) OBSIDIAN HALL (192)

                      SUMMER FACE-TO-FACE IN ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA

We have planned our summer FTF for July 13-15, 2018, in Arlington, Virginia, only 7 
miles on a quick Metro ride from Washington, D.C.!.  It will be held at the Holiday 
Inn Arlington at Ballston.  Room rates are $79 per night on 7/12 and 7/15 and $129 on 
7/13 and 7/14, 1-2 occupancy.  There's free wireless throughout the property as well 
as a fitness center, outdoor pool, and business center, as well as a resturant and bar 
inside the hotel.  There is no airport shuttle and parking is $7/day.  The rooms are 
blocked -- ask for the Reality Simulations block.  Reservations must be made by 6/12.  
(As always if you have issues making reservations, please let us know!)  

                       Hotel site:  http://www.hiarlington.com 

Look for the tournament info sheet and minioverviews some time in June.  We hope 
you're all looking forward to it and that we will see you there!

                                          -- RSI

                             Mission to the Twisted Lands

                                     Episode One

     Old Brown could run pretty fast if properly motivated, but mostly he walked with 
a long-legged, distance-devouring stride.  He was a huge horse, a half-giant's 
warhorse, shaggy and self-assured, with muscles like half-buried boulders in his 
shoulders and hips.  Lounging in the saddle was the motivating force, the half-giant, 
Keel Woodhaven.  Although in his mind he was slouching and half-asleep, he sat up 
straight in the saddle since that is more comfortable for riding.
     It was twilight, stars coming out above and lights in farmhouse windows below.  
They traveled through vineyards, brown and fallow now in the winter, descending gently 
toward the tree-crowded coast.  The distant trees, not just pines, were green.  They 
stayed green because the marsh that surrounded the city-state of Bonsur had hot 
springs in it.
     Keel Woodhaven had always liked Bonsur.  It had a relaxed feel about it, the 
women seemed prettier, the music was great, everyone thought about having fun.  And 
the booze was excellent, of course.  He passed the arena at the edge of town, and 
paused to read the current statistics, posted on the gate and lit by a lantern.  So, 
an elven cobbler was the Duelmaster?  Why would a shoemaker take up such a painful 
profession?  Then he noticed the team name:  Shewish Picnic.  He snorted.  That 
explained it, all right.  As a half-Shew, he was kind of bothered by that team theme, 
which was present in Home Guard as well.  It was sort of funny though.  He saw that 
Elf Cobbler was headed for the Isle.  Probably not bound for Home Guard just yet, 
though.
     They passed a small chicken ranch.  A rooster uttered an untimely crow.  At about 
that time, Old Brown took exception to something and bolted.  Cussing, Keel hauled on 
the reins, to little effect since the horse was stronger than him and apparently 
frightened.  He didn't see the masked men coming out of their hiding places behind 
him, looking frustrated.  At least not until a crossbow bolt thunked into the backside 
of his leather cuirass. His horse screamed and ran faster.
     Hauling Old Brown to the left as they passed a set of big open gates into a well-
lighted courtyard, Keel got them behind the shelter of the high stone wall, and patted 
the horse's sweaty neck.  "You're okay now, friend.  I'll go take care of those 
bozos."
     As he dismounted, he noticed he was becoming surrounded by uniformed men, some 
with swords and some with halberds.
     "Howdy?" he said, hoping they were friendly.
     "Your horse has been shot," said someone, pointing at a bolt sticking out of Old 
Brown's butt.
     "Well damn!"  Keel laid a comforting hand on the horse's flank, which quivered.
     "So have you," the guard continued.
     "Yeah, thought so.  Doesn't feel like it got through the armor though."  Keel 
tried to look over his shoulder, but could only see the feathered end of the bolt.  
"Who are you guys?"
     "We are the Queen's Guard."
     "What?  Queen Gemra?  Okay, please take care of Old Brown here, and I'll go find 
the ***holes that shot him."
     "Sir, you are mistaken.  You will be taken to a doctor.  We will arrest the 
assailants."
     "Hey!  I'm on a mission from Sheila Greywand.  Anyway, they shot my horse.  My 
HORSE!  I'm gonna get 'em."  Unslinging his huge sword, Keel strode toward the gate.
     Four Guardsmen came with him, flanking him like the trailing ends of a flock of 
geese.  They might have intended a different formation, but he had the longest legs 
and walked the fastest.  The one who'd spoken to him before said, "I'm Corporal Brat 
Langerman.  And you are?"
     "Keel Woodhaven."
     "I've heard of you!  The Queen will want to meet you."
     "That's fine.  Let's stick to the sides of these buildings.  If they're still 
around, we'll be targets in the middle of the street."
     They weren't quiet, exactly, since the guards wore highly polished chain mail 
which jingled.  However, Bonsur had a lively night life.  Music and laughter came from 
bars and nightclubs on adjacent streets, people lingered on corners chatting and 
sometimes playing instruments, and children hawked newssheets, shoeshines, flowers, a 
selection of rouges, and offered to carry packages.  So the sounds the guards made 
weren't too noticeable.
     Keel led the way back to the chicken ranch.  He was thinking that the bad guys 
wouldn't have waited around to be hunted.  They might have left clues, though.  
Perhaps even a discarded, crumpled note offering a cash reward for his head, and 
signed by a notorious crimelord.  Or distinctive cigar stubs, monogrammed hankies... 
personalized masks.  Tracks of boots made by elven cobblers.  Anything.  Witnesses, 
even.
     There were no people on the street near the chicken ranch.  It was full night 
now, a bit chilly although there was a warm and slightly funky breeze from the marsh.
     Corporal Brat Langerman said quietly, "Is this where it happened?"
     "Yup."
     "Well, I don't think they're here anymore."
     Keel was about to agree, when a crossbow bolt appeared in the Corporal's arm.  
The young man hissed, "Everybody down!"
     The guardsmen hunkered against the wall of a hardware store, which didn't offer 
anything resembling good cover except that they were in shadow there.  Keel crouched a 
little, but he knew he was a pretty big target, plus his sword gave off a faint 
greenish glow.  He looked around, searching the darkness for signs of their foes.
     A shadow on top of a shaded walkway across the street shifted a little.  Keel 
pulled a weighted dart out of his pocket and hurled it.  He was good at tavern darts, 
but it was dark, the distance was too great, and he just wasn't lucky.  The little 
missile clattered against the shingles of the porch roof.  There was a startled twitch 
from the half-seen form.  At that instant, Keel lunged across the street.  His long 
legs carried him across to the opposite shadows in three bounds.  More bolts came out 
of the darkness, one lodging in his calf, the others missing him altogether.
     Now the Guardsmen had a good idea where their foes were, and it takes a while to 
reload a crossbow.  The four men charged, yelling wildly.  Tucking his sword under his 
arm, Keel grabbed one of the posts holding up the porch roof, strained, and dislodged 
it.  After a moment he yanked it out of the structure entirely.  The roof sagged, 
there was a yelp of surprise, and someone's foot appeared off the edge of it.  Keel 
grabbed him by the ankle and hauled him the rest of the way down.
     There were brief sounds of fighting, then footsteps that rapidly receded down an 
alley.  Three Guardsmen raced off in pursuit.  Keel's prisoner started to try to get 
away, so the half-Shew tossed him up, grabbed him by the arms and bashed him against 
the wall.
     "Are you okay?" asked Brat, sheathing his sword.
     "Took one in the leg, but it's not too bad I think," Keel said, shifting his 
unconscious prisoner to one hand and bending to pick up his sword.
     "I'll help you tie that one up," Brat said.  "There's a dead one here.  I think 
there were two more."  He grunted slightly, trying to reach something with his injured 
arm.  "Got some ties in my right-hand belt pouch.  If you could get them for me?"
     They bound the prisoner, then bandaged each other.
     "What did they want?" asked the Corporal.
     Keel shrugged.  "No clue.  Let's get him somewhere safe and we can ask him..."  
He listened.  "Your guys are coming back."
     "Yeah."
     The Guardsmen hadn't been able to track their assailants in the darkness, but at 
least there were no further injuries.  The group of them returned warily to the 
courtyard of the Guard House, where a woman was smearing some kind of ointment on Old 
Brown's wound.  After the horse was bedded down in the stable, the Guardsmen led Keel 
into their office, where there was a welcome scent of fresh coffee.  The medic set 
about binding Keel's wound and that of the Corporal, who turned out to be an extremely 
handsome man.  Keel remembered hearing that Queen Gemra required her Guardsmen to be 
good looking.  That didn't mean they weren't competent, though.  Brat had done pretty 
well.
     The medic roused their prisoner with smelling salts.  They all sat in the main 
office, Corporal Langerman facing the miscreant, who was seated in a cushioned chair, 
looking reasonably comfortable except for his bandaged head.  "All right," said Brat.  
"Now I want you to tell me that you're going to turn Queen's Evidence."
     "Not on your life, pretty boy!"  The man had, perhaps, some excuse for hard 
feelings since he was more homely than not, with a crooked nose and eyes set too close 
together.  He and Keel looked shabby and ill-favored amongst all these gleamingly 
handsome Guardsmen.
     Keel leaned forward.  "You guys shot my horse."
     "Oh.  Sorry, didn't mean to do that.  We were just shooting at you."
     "Why?"
     "Glowing sword."
     "What?"
     "Duh, it's a magic sword!  We saw it when you drew it in Delarq Tor, and figured 
we could sell it so we followed you."
     The half-Shew snorted.  "The Dentless isn't magic.  It was in a Chaos Gate for 
five hundred years and it picked up some energy, that's all.  All it does, is glow.  
And cut things."
     The bandit looked chagrined.  "But... it's got to be magic."
     "Ain't.  Sorry kid."
     After that, Keel was taken to enjoy a sumptuous dinner at the Palace.  Queen 
Gemra was a definite babe, with long, silken black hair, a delicate pouty face, and 
luscious curves.  She asked him about his mission, which was to go to the Twisted 
Lands and shut down a leaking Chaos Gate.  He entertained her with the story of his 
adventure on the Two-Shew Express, and she gave him a brown velvet cloak to show her 
appreciation.  She did not invite him to her bed, which was fine because his heart 
belonged to another, always and forever.
     
                                      * * * * * 

                           This is a continuing adventure.  
         Watch for future chapters in the Bonsur and Home Guard newsletters!