Date   : 02/23/2018    Duedate: 03/22/2018


DM-50    TURN-376

This Weeks Top Honors


(50-3795) [7-4-0,87]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

INNUIT                         REEK
WORLD BLADES 12 (409)          GOT BLOOD? (427)
(50-3795) [7-4-0,87]           (50-3985) [3-1-2,29]

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

NERGAL'S FURY                  EUPHRATES
MESOPOTAMIA (389)              MESOPOTAMIA (389)
(50-3885) [14-10-2,75]         (50-3988) [2-3-0,28]



Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. MESOPOTAMIA (389)           60
2. WORLD BLADES 12 (409)       23      MESOPOTAMIA (389)
3. GOT BLOOD? (427)             6      Unchartered Team
4. BASH BROS SPORTS (405)       0
5. STRANGE TUNES (369)         -8      GOT BLOOD? (427)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 1*GOT BLOOD? (427)          20  12  5 62.5   1/ 2 MESOPOTAMIA (389)         8  7 0
 2/ 2 MESOPOTAMIA (389)        154 115  6 57.2   2/ 1 BOOK OF THOMAS (421)      5  5 0
 3- 3 BASH BROS SPORTS (405)    85  88  3 49.1   3/ 4*GOT BLOOD? (427)          4  3 3
 4/ 0 STRANGE TUNES (369)       55  61  2 47.4   4/ 5 WORLD BLADES 12 (409)     2  2 0
 5/ 5 WORLD BLADES 12 (409)      8   9  0 47.1   5- 3 BASH BROS SPORTS (405)    1  5 0
 6/ 4 BOOK OF THOMAS (421)      57  70  5 44.9   6/ 0 STRANGE TUNES (369)       0  1 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                      SPY REPORT

     It is I, Novgorodny Vir, Spymaster of Spymasters.  Look on my work, ye mighty, 
and despair!  The boys at BOOK OF THOMAS left the arena dejected, after being kicked 
out of the top spot by MESOPOTAMIA.  Good show!  WORLD BLADES 12 had cause to 
celebrate, after INNUIT got 23 points by beating HAPPY.  A certain someone should cut 
down on the drinking and practice more, after losing 8 points to INNUIT.  (Discrete 
enough, HAPPY?) Can you believe it?  MARBLE MOUTH apparently has better things to do 
as SNOWBOUND's Duelmaster than show up and fight!  Now I can't insult INNUIT, as she 
has gloriously dueled to the top.  Oh great new Duelmaster!!!  (Stop me if I lay it 
on too thick) So who's the team that's been walking into taverns last week and 
ordering milk?  Sounds like a PR stunt to me.   
     A Zenmaster once told me, 'Does not the spinning wheel turn?  And do not the 
little birds cry out?'  Any ideas?  Perhaps the warriors of BOOK OF THOMAS should 
take up some hobbies, as they are the most avoided team...  Like a pup with its tail 
between its legs, MESOPOTAMIA scurried away from BOOK OF THOMAS.  Oh, the shame!  If 
challenges were horses, CACTUS JACK could open up a fast food joint!   
     Ah, the duel!  The roar of the oppenent, the smell of the crowd!  Ask not a 
spymaster for counsel, for he will pontificate long after you have fallen into an 
unconscious stupor.   
     All good things must come to an end.  My fingers tire and I fear my incessant 
prattling may cause unfair judgement upon my impeccable character.  Can anything 
compare to the pleasure of writing Spyreports for SNOWBOUND?  On that giddy note I 
take my leave-- Novgorodny Vir  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 INNUIT 3795                   7   4  0    87       WORLD BLADES 12 (409)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-MARBLE MOUTH 3940            11   8  1    94       BOOK OF THOMAS (421)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 HAPPY 3399                   11  14  1    82       STRANGE TUNES (369)
 NERGAL'S FURY 3885           14  10  2    75       MESOPOTAMIA (389)
-EXISTENTIAL BLUES 3402        9  15  0    70       STRANGE TUNES (369)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 CACTUS JACK 3916             15  14  1    64       BOOK OF THOMAS (421)
 DEAD GODS 4SALE 3911          9   9  0    58       MESOPOTAMIA (389)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-NEVERMORE 3401                6  18  0    56       STRANGE TUNES (369)
-THE HUNTING SONG 3471         5   1  1    50       STRANGE TUNES (369)
-THE MOUNTAIN 3969             5   2  2    49       GOT BLOOD? (427)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-RED WOMAN 3966                4   1  0    29       GOT BLOOD? (427)
 REEK 3985                     3   1  2    29       GOT BLOOD? (427)
 EUPHRATES 3988                2   3  0    28       MESOPOTAMIA (389)
-GREY WORM 3967                4   3  1    25       GOT BLOOD? (427)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SLIPPERY GATER 3984           5   1  0    16       BOOK OF THOMAS (421)
 BABYLON FIRE 4006             1   0  0    16       MESOPOTAMIA (389)
 ZIAAURAT 4004                 2   0  0    10       MESOPOTAMIA (389)
-STORMBORN 3968                2   3  0     9       GOT BLOOD? (427)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD                W  L K TEAM NAME            SLAIN BY              TURN Revenge?
STORM BEAST 3974        0  2 0 BOOK OF THOMAS 421   REEK 3985             376   
TIGRIS 3987             1  2 0 MESOPOTAMIA 389      REEK 3985             374  REVENGED
ROCKY MTN 3939          1  2 0 WORLD BLADES 12 409  GREY WORM 3967        374   

                                     PERSONAL ADS

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

NERGAL'S FURY bested CACTUS JACK in a action packed 1 minute master's Challenge fight.
HAPPY was demolished by INNUIT in a 1 minute one-sided Title melee.
DEAD GODS 4SALE overpowered DANGEROUS CRIMINAL in a 3 minute mismatched duel.
SLIPPERY GATER was viciously subdued by EUPHRATES in a popular 5 minute brutal fight.
STORM BEAST was butchered by REEK in a 1 minute uneven brawl.
ZIAAURAT defeated KARNHORN DESERTER in a 2 minute novice's struggle.
BABYLON FIRE viciously subdued EMBEZZLING SCRIBE in a 1 minute novice's competition.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|AIMED BLOW                       2         AIMED BLOW        14 -   8 -  2      64  |
|LUNGING ATTACK                   2         PARRY-STRIKE       5 -   3 -  2      63  |
|TOTAL PARRY                      2         WALL OF STEEL      5 -   3 -  0      63  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     1         STRIKING ATTACK   13 -  10 -  2      57  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    1         TOTAL PARRY       11 -   9 -  0      55  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                  1         PARRY-RIPOSTE      4 -   4 -  0      50  |
|WALL OF STEEL                    1         PARRY-LUNGE        1 -   1 -  0      50  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      1         LUNGING ATTACK    15 -  16 -  2      48  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                  0         BASHING ATTACK    19 -  22 -  2      46  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   0         SLASHING ATTACK    3 -  16 -  0      16  |

Turn 376 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

PARRY-STRIKE       1 -  0     PARRY-LUNGE        0 -  1         2  WALL OF STEEL  
PARRY-RIPOSTE      1 -  0     SLASHING ATTACK    0 -  0         2  LUNGING ATTACK 
STRIKING ATTACK    1 -  0     BASHING ATTACK     0 -  0         2  AIMED BLOW     
WALL OF STEEL      1 -  0                                       1  PARRY-LUNGE    
AIMED BLOW         1 -  1                                       1  PARRY-RIPOSTE  
LUNGING ATTACK     1 -  1                                       1  TOTAL PARRY    
TOTAL PARRY        1 -  1                                       1  STRIKING ATTACK
                                                                1  BASHING ATTACK 

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
WALL OF STEEL    INNUIT 3795                 7   4  0   87 WORLD BLADES 12 (409)
LUNGING ATTACK   NERGAL'S FURY 3885         14  10  2   75 MESOPOTAMIA (389)
AIMED BLOW       CACTUS JACK 3916           15  14  1   64 BOOK OF THOMAS (421)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is NERGAL'S FURY 3885.  The most popular warrior this 
turn was EUPHRATES 3988.  The ten other most popular fighters were NERGAL'S FURY 
3885, BABYLON FIRE 4006, DEAD GODS 4SALE 3911, INNUIT 3795, ZIAAURAT 4004, REEK 3985, 

The least popular fighter this week was STORM BEAST 3974.  The other ten least 
popular fighters were SLIPPERY GATER 3984, HAPPY 3399, CACTUS JACK 3916, REEK 3985, 
3885, and EUPHRATES 3988.


We have planned our summer FTF for July 13-15, 2018, in Arlington, Virginia, only 7 
miles on a quick Metro ride from Washington, D.C.!.  It will be held at the Holiday 
Inn Arlington at Ballston.  Room rates are $79 per night on 7/12 and 7/15 and $129 on 
7/13 and 7/14, 1-2 occupancy.  There's free wireless throughout the property as well 
as a fitness center, outdoor pool, and business center, as well as a resturant and bar 
inside the hotel.  There is no airport shuttle and parking is $7/day.  The rooms are 
blocked -- ask for the Reality Simulations block.  Reservations must be made by 6/12.  
(As always if you have issues making reservations, please let us know!)  

                       Hotel site:  http://www.hiarlington.com 

Look for the tournament info sheet and minioverviews some time in June.  We hope 
you're all looking forward to it and that we will see you there!

                                          -- RSI

                             Mission to the Twisted Lands

                                     Episode One

     Old Brown could run pretty fast if properly motivated, but mostly he walked with 
a long-legged, distance-devouring stride.  He was a huge horse, a half-giant's 
warhorse, shaggy and self-assured, with muscles like half-buried boulders in his 
shoulders and hips.  Lounging in the saddle was the motivating force, the half-giant, 
Keel Woodhaven.  Although in his mind he was slouching and half-asleep, he sat up 
straight in the saddle since that is more comfortable for riding.
     It was twilight, stars coming out above and lights in farmhouse windows below.  
They traveled through vineyards, brown and fallow now in the winter, descending gently 
toward the tree-crowded coast.  The distant trees, not just pines, were green.  They 
stayed green because the marsh that surrounded the city-state of Bonsur had hot 
springs in it.
     Keel Woodhaven had always liked Bonsur.  It had a relaxed feel about it, the 
women seemed prettier, the music was great, everyone thought about having fun.  And 
the booze was excellent, of course.  He passed the arena at the edge of town, and 
paused to read the current statistics, posted on the gate and lit by a lantern.  So, 
an elven cobbler was the Duelmaster?  Why would a shoemaker take up such a painful 
profession?  Then he noticed the team name:  Shewish Picnic.  He snorted.  That 
explained it, all right.  As a half-Shew, he was kind of bothered by that team theme, 
which was present in Home Guard as well.  It was sort of funny though.  He saw that 
Elf Cobbler was headed for the Isle.  Probably not bound for Home Guard just yet, 
     They passed a small chicken ranch.  A rooster uttered an untimely crow.  At about 
that time, Old Brown took exception to something and bolted.  Cussing, Keel hauled on 
the reins, to little effect since the horse was stronger than him and apparently 
frightened.  He didn't see the masked men coming out of their hiding places behind 
him, looking frustrated.  At least not until a crossbow bolt thunked into the backside 
of his leather cuirass. His horse screamed and ran faster.
     Hauling Old Brown to the left as they passed a set of big open gates into a well-
lighted courtyard, Keel got them behind the shelter of the high stone wall, and patted 
the horse's sweaty neck.  "You're okay now, friend.  I'll go take care of those 
     As he dismounted, he noticed he was becoming surrounded by uniformed men, some 
with swords and some with halberds.
     "Howdy?" he said, hoping they were friendly.
     "Your horse has been shot," said someone, pointing at a bolt sticking out of Old 
Brown's butt.
     "Well damn!"  Keel laid a comforting hand on the horse's flank, which quivered.
     "So have you," the guard continued.
     "Yeah, thought so.  Doesn't feel like it got through the armor though."  Keel 
tried to look over his shoulder, but could only see the feathered end of the bolt.  
"Who are you guys?"
     "We are the Queen's Guard."
     "What?  Queen Gemra?  Okay, please take care of Old Brown here, and I'll go find 
the ***holes that shot him."
     "Sir, you are mistaken.  You will be taken to a doctor.  We will arrest the 
     "Hey!  I'm on a mission from Sheila Greywand.  Anyway, they shot my horse.  My 
HORSE!  I'm gonna get 'em."  Unslinging his huge sword, Keel strode toward the gate.
     Four Guardsmen came with him, flanking him like the trailing ends of a flock of 
geese.  They might have intended a different formation, but he had the longest legs 
and walked the fastest.  The one who'd spoken to him before said, "I'm Corporal Brat 
Langerman.  And you are?"
     "Keel Woodhaven."
     "I've heard of you!  The Queen will want to meet you."
     "That's fine.  Let's stick to the sides of these buildings.  If they're still 
around, we'll be targets in the middle of the street."
     They weren't quiet, exactly, since the guards wore highly polished chain mail 
which jingled.  However, Bonsur had a lively night life.  Music and laughter came from 
bars and nightclubs on adjacent streets, people lingered on corners chatting and 
sometimes playing instruments, and children hawked newssheets, shoeshines, flowers, a 
selection of rouges, and offered to carry packages.  So the sounds the guards made 
weren't too noticeable.
     Keel led the way back to the chicken ranch.  He was thinking that the bad guys 
wouldn't have waited around to be hunted.  They might have left clues, though.  
Perhaps even a discarded, crumpled note offering a cash reward for his head, and 
signed by a notorious crimelord.  Or distinctive cigar stubs, monogrammed hankies... 
personalized masks.  Tracks of boots made by elven cobblers.  Anything.  Witnesses, 
     There were no people on the street near the chicken ranch.  It was full night 
now, a bit chilly although there was a warm and slightly funky breeze from the marsh.
     Corporal Brat Langerman said quietly, "Is this where it happened?"
     "Well, I don't think they're here anymore."
     Keel was about to agree, when a crossbow bolt appeared in the Corporal's arm.  
The young man hissed, "Everybody down!"
     The guardsmen hunkered against the wall of a hardware store, which didn't offer 
anything resembling good cover except that they were in shadow there.  Keel crouched a 
little, but he knew he was a pretty big target, plus his sword gave off a faint 
greenish glow.  He looked around, searching the darkness for signs of their foes.
     A shadow on top of a shaded walkway across the street shifted a little.  Keel 
pulled a weighted dart out of his pocket and hurled it.  He was good at tavern darts, 
but it was dark, the distance was too great, and he just wasn't lucky.  The little 
missile clattered against the shingles of the porch roof.  There was a startled twitch 
from the half-seen form.  At that instant, Keel lunged across the street.  His long 
legs carried him across to the opposite shadows in three bounds.  More bolts came out 
of the darkness, one lodging in his calf, the others missing him altogether.
     Now the Guardsmen had a good idea where their foes were, and it takes a while to 
reload a crossbow.  The four men charged, yelling wildly.  Tucking his sword under his 
arm, Keel grabbed one of the posts holding up the porch roof, strained, and dislodged 
it.  After a moment he yanked it out of the structure entirely.  The roof sagged, 
there was a yelp of surprise, and someone's foot appeared off the edge of it.  Keel 
grabbed him by the ankle and hauled him the rest of the way down.
     There were brief sounds of fighting, then footsteps that rapidly receded down an 
alley.  Three Guardsmen raced off in pursuit.  Keel's prisoner started to try to get 
away, so the half-Shew tossed him up, grabbed him by the arms and bashed him against 
the wall.
     "Are you okay?" asked Brat, sheathing his sword.
     "Took one in the leg, but it's not too bad I think," Keel said, shifting his 
unconscious prisoner to one hand and bending to pick up his sword.
     "I'll help you tie that one up," Brat said.  "There's a dead one here.  I think 
there were two more."  He grunted slightly, trying to reach something with his injured 
arm.  "Got some ties in my right-hand belt pouch.  If you could get them for me?"
     They bound the prisoner, then bandaged each other.
     "What did they want?" asked the Corporal.
     Keel shrugged.  "No clue.  Let's get him somewhere safe and we can ask him..."  
He listened.  "Your guys are coming back."
     The Guardsmen hadn't been able to track their assailants in the darkness, but at 
least there were no further injuries.  The group of them returned warily to the 
courtyard of the Guard House, where a woman was smearing some kind of ointment on Old 
Brown's wound.  After the horse was bedded down in the stable, the Guardsmen led Keel 
into their office, where there was a welcome scent of fresh coffee.  The medic set 
about binding Keel's wound and that of the Corporal, who turned out to be an extremely 
handsome man.  Keel remembered hearing that Queen Gemra required her Guardsmen to be 
good looking.  That didn't mean they weren't competent, though.  Brat had done pretty 
     The medic roused their prisoner with smelling salts.  They all sat in the main 
office, Corporal Langerman facing the miscreant, who was seated in a cushioned chair, 
looking reasonably comfortable except for his bandaged head.  "All right," said Brat.  
"Now I want you to tell me that you're going to turn Queen's Evidence."
     "Not on your life, pretty boy!"  The man had, perhaps, some excuse for hard 
feelings since he was more homely than not, with a crooked nose and eyes set too close 
together.  He and Keel looked shabby and ill-favored amongst all these gleamingly 
handsome Guardsmen.
     Keel leaned forward.  "You guys shot my horse."
     "Oh.  Sorry, didn't mean to do that.  We were just shooting at you."
     "Glowing sword."
     "Duh, it's a magic sword!  We saw it when you drew it in Delarq Tor, and figured 
we could sell it so we followed you."
     The half-Shew snorted.  "The Dentless isn't magic.  It was in a Chaos Gate for 
five hundred years and it picked up some energy, that's all.  All it does, is glow.  
And cut things."
     The bandit looked chagrined.  "But... it's got to be magic."
     "Ain't.  Sorry kid."
     After that, Keel was taken to enjoy a sumptuous dinner at the Palace.  Queen 
Gemra was a definite babe, with long, silken black hair, a delicate pouty face, and 
luscious curves.  She asked him about his mission, which was to go to the Twisted 
Lands and shut down a leaking Chaos Gate.  He entertained her with the story of his 
adventure on the Two-Shew Express, and she gave him a brown velvet cloak to show her 
appreciation.  She did not invite him to her bed, which was fine because his heart 
belonged to another, always and forever.
                                      * * * * * 

                           This is a continuing adventure.  
         Watch for future chapters in the Bonsur and Home Guard newsletters!