Date   : 02/09/2018    Duedate: 03/08/2018


DM-54    TURN-354

This Weeks Top Honors


(54-3258) [12-2-2,114]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

OUT OF TP                      POSITION IS EMPTY
(54-3258) [12-2-2,114]         

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

LUTHIEN                        LUTHIEN
LEGIONS OF FATE (351)          LEGIONS OF FATE (351)
(54-3297) [9-6-1,35]           (54-3297) [9-6-1,35]



Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. BOOK OF THOMAS (341)        30
2. BASH BROS BATHROOM (331)     6      BOOK OF THOMAS (341)
3. GOT BLOOD? (345)             0      Unchartered Team
4. KILLER B'S (348)             0
5. LEGIONS OF FATE (351)       -4      DROOLING DUELERS (114)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 2 BOOK OF THOMAS (341)      27  17  2 61.4   1/ 3 LEGIONS OF FATE (351)     7  8 0
 2/ 3 BASH BROS BATHROOM (331)  83  74  5 52.9   2- 1 KILLER B'S (348)          6  4 0
 3/ 4 LEGIONS OF FATE (351)     38  37  3 50.7   3/ 2 BASH BROS BATHROOM (331)  5  3 1
 4- 5 KILLER B'S (348)          35  36  1 49.3   4/ 5 BOOK OF THOMAS (341)      5  3 0
 5- 6 GOT BLOOD? (345)          11  15  1 42.3   5- 6 GOT BLOOD? (345)          1  1 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                 DUELMASTER'S COLUMN
                             Notes from the arena champ.

Being out of toilet paper is not pleasant.  If you have time, at home, and the only 
person impacted, it is easy enough to resolve.  A quick shower and all is well.

But if not...  The options are much more limiting.  Hopefully nobody who reads this 
has experienced the worst situations that can arise when you run out.  But it happens.

My advice?!?  Always stock up!  Keep a hidden stash for emergencies.  Travel with a 
roll or two.  And when you're hosting guests?!?  Toilet Paper should be higher on the 
list than just about anything!

                                -- Your Duelmaster, spreading the ills of running out, 
                                   Out of TP

                                      SPY REPORT

     Greetings warriors!  It is I, Zontani Sharp Eyes, here to bring report of the 
clash and bustle of the weekly TROCAR games.  Former top team KILLER B'S was unseated 
this week as LEGIONS OF FATE moved up from 3rd ranking to take the top spot with a 
2-3-0 record for the round.  RUSSIAN LULLABY caught the eye of many in the 
gladiatorial commission as he skillfully bested LUTHIEN and was awarded 19 points in 
recognition.  In one of the week's more notable duels, RUSSIAN LULLABY put down 
LUTHIEN, causing him to lose 13 points of recognition in the process.  Not for 
nothing has OUT OF TP in the past laid claim to the Duelmaster's throne, and this 
week he's proven his combat skill yet again.  Would you believe that over half of the 
old women in TROCAR seem to feel that they could fight better than you gladiators?   
     But come now, let us look deeper into the maze of contention and crossed blades 
that is city TROCAR.  I saw one fighter that warriors avoided when this week's 
challenge seeking began.  BOOK OF THOMAS is feared.  This much I can say.  Apparently 
the stalwarts of LEGIONS OF FATE are catching the bulk of jests down at the 
challenging board for their large share of the avoids.   
     What warrior does not hone his years, impatiently waiting for the moment of his 
foe's mortality?  Some say a warrior is judged by the way he bears arms.  One thing 
is sure, better a dagger in hand then a sword on the belt!   
     The girls are as pretty in TROCAR as ever I remembered them....and the fighters 
as ugly!  Don't let your reputation slip!  Ahh, but I can hear the spires of a far 
off city calling to me.  I must away!  Till next we meet remember - the pen is 
mightier than the sword, but a maul is a different story!-- Zontani Sharp Eyes  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 OUT OF TP 3258               12   2  2   114       BASH BROS BATHROOM (331)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-DEMON MONKEY 3249             8   5  0    86       GOT BLOOD? (345)
-LEAKY TOILET 3112            16  21  0    81       BASH BROS BATHROOM (331)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-BODIDDLY 3285                 6   2  0    66       KILLER B'S (348)
 CHINA WHITE 3214              6   1  0    63       BOOK OF THOMAS (341)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SYMGARA 3300                  9   6  1    56       LEGIONS OF FATE (351)
-BELINDA 3288                  5   2  0    45       KILLER B'S (348)
 RUSSIAN LULLABY 3213          5   0  0    44       BOOK OF THOMAS (341)
-BONECRUSHER 3289              5   2  0    38       KILLER B'S (348)
 BIG CHILL 3216                7   4  1    37       BOOK OF THOMAS (341)
 DUNCAN 3298                   8   7  1    36       LEGIONS OF FATE (351)
-BILLY 3265                    8   7  0    36       KILLER B'S (348)
 LUTHIEN 3297                  9   6  1    35       LEGIONS OF FATE (351)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-BRENDA 3268                   7   7  1    33       KILLER B'S (348)
 WINTROW 3306                  3   0  0    29       LEGIONS OF FATE (351)
 WHISPER QUIET 3215            5   6  0    27       BOOK OF THOMAS (341)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 KORLAN 3295                   5   7  0    22       LEGIONS OF FATE (351)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-KINGSLAYER 3248               3   6  1    20       GOT BLOOD? (345)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD                W  L K TEAM NAME            SLAIN BY              TURN Revenge?

                                     PERSONAL ADS

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

OUT OF TP devastated VENOMOUS CONCUBINE in a 1 minute mismatched Title fight.
SYMGARA vanquished WHISPER QUIET in a exciting 1 minute uneven battle.
CHINA WHITE overpowered DUNCAN in a 1 minute mismatched duel.
LUTHIEN was unbelievably bested by RUSSIAN LULLABY in a popular 8 minute brutal fight.
BIG CHILL devastated KORLAN in a 1 minute uneven brawl.
WINTROW overpowered PRETTY LERONA in a 1 minute one-sided struggle.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|LUNGING ATTACK                   2         TOTAL PARRY       11 -   5 -  0      69  |
|AIMED BLOW                       2         BASHING ATTACK    20 -  14 -  1      59  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                  2         PARRY-STRIKE       8 -   6 -  0      57  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   1         SLASHING ATTACK   17 -  13 -  0      57  |
|TOTAL PARRY                      1         STRIKING ATTACK    5 -   4 -  0      56  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                  1         LUNGING ATTACK    19 -  17 -  0      53  |
|WALL OF STEEL                    1         PARRY-RIPOSTE      4 -   5 -  1      44  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      0         AIMED BLOW         6 -   8 -  0      43  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     0         WALL OF STEEL      1 -   7 -  0      13  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    0         PARRY-LUNGE        0 -   0 -  0       0  |

Turn 354 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

LUNGING ATTACK     2 -  0     PARRY-LUNGE        0 -  0         4  LUNGING ATTACK 
BASHING ATTACK     1 -  0     PARRY-STRIKE       0 -  0         3  SLASHING ATTACK
TOTAL PARRY        1 -  0     PARRY-RIPOSTE      0 -  0         1  BASHING ATTACK 
AIMED BLOW         1 -  1     STRIKING ATTACK    0 -  1         1  TOTAL PARRY    
SLASHING ATTACK    1 -  1     WALL OF STEEL      0 -  1         1  PARRY-STRIKE   
                                                                1  AIMED BLOW     

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
BASHING ATTACK   OUT OF TP 3258             12   2  2  114 BASH BROS BATHROOM (331)
LUNGING ATTACK   CHINA WHITE 3214            6   1  0   63 BOOK OF THOMAS (341)
TOTAL PARRY      RUSSIAN LULLABY 3213        5   0  0   44 BOOK OF THOMAS (341)
AIMED BLOW       BIG CHILL 3216              7   4  1   37 BOOK OF THOMAS (341)
SLASHING ATTACK  DUNCAN 3298                 8   7  1   36 LEGIONS OF FATE (351)
STRIKING ATTACK  LUTHIEN 3297                9   6  1   35 LEGIONS OF FATE (351)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is LUTHIEN 3297.  The most popular warrior this turn 
was LUTHIEN 3297.  The ten other most popular fighters were OUT OF TP 3258, SYMGARA 
LULLABY 3213, DUNCAN 3298, KORLAN 3295, and  0.

The least popular fighter this week was KORLAN 3295.  The other ten least popular 
fighters were DUNCAN 3298, RUSSIAN LULLABY 3213, WHISPER QUIET 3215, WINTROW 3306, 
BIG CHILL 3216, CHINA WHITE 3214, SYMGARA 3300, OUT OF TP 3258, LUTHIEN 3297, and  0.

                             Mission to the Twisted Lands

                                     Episode One

     Old Brown could run pretty fast if properly motivated, but mostly he walked with 
a long-legged, distance-devouring stride.  He was a huge horse, a half-giant's 
warhorse, shaggy and self-assured, with muscles like half-buried boulders in his 
shoulders and hips.  Lounging in the saddle was the motivating force, the half-giant, 
Keel Woodhaven.  Although in his mind he was slouching and half-asleep, he sat up 
straight in the saddle since that is more comfortable for riding.
     It was twilight, stars coming out above and lights in farmhouse windows below.  
They traveled through vineyards, brown and fallow now in the winter, descending gently 
toward the tree-crowded coast.  The distant trees, not just pines, were green.  They 
stayed green because the marsh that surrounded the city-state of Bonsur had hot 
springs in it.
     Keel Woodhaven had always liked Bonsur.  It had a relaxed feel about it, the 
women seemed prettier, the music was great, everyone thought about having fun.  And 
the booze was excellent, of course.  He passed the arena at the edge of town, and 
paused to read the current statistics, posted on the gate and lit by a lantern.  So, 
an elven cobbler was the Duelmaster?  Why would a shoemaker take up such a painful 
profession?  Then he noticed the team name:  Shewish Picnic.  He snorted.  That 
explained it, all right.  As a half-Shew, he was kind of bothered by that team theme, 
which was present in Home Guard as well.  It was sort of funny though.  He saw that 
Elf Cobbler was headed for the Isle.  Probably not bound for Home Guard just yet, 
     They passed a small chicken ranch.  A rooster uttered an untimely crow.  At about 
that time, Old Brown took exception to something and bolted.  Cussing, Keel hauled on 
the reins, to little effect since the horse was stronger than him and apparently 
frightened.  He didn't see the masked men coming out of their hiding places behind 
him, looking frustrated.  At least not until a crossbow bolt thunked into the backside 
of his leather cuirass. His horse screamed and ran faster.
     Hauling Old Brown to the left as they passed a set of big open gates into a well-
lighted courtyard, Keel got them behind the shelter of the high stone wall, and patted 
the horse's sweaty neck.  "You're okay now, friend.  I'll go take care of those 
     As he dismounted, he noticed he was becoming surrounded by uniformed men, some 
with swords and some with halberds.
     "Howdy?" he said, hoping they were friendly.
     "Your horse has been shot," said someone, pointing at a bolt sticking out of Old 
Brown's butt.
     "Well damn!"  Keel laid a comforting hand on the horse's flank, which quivered.
     "So have you," the guard continued.
     "Yeah, thought so.  Doesn't feel like it got through the armor though."  Keel 
tried to look over his shoulder, but could only see the feathered end of the bolt.  
"Who are you guys?"
     "We are the Queen's Guard."
     "What?  Queen Gemra?  Okay, please take care of Old Brown here, and I'll go find 
the ***holes that shot him."
     "Sir, you are mistaken.  You will be taken to a doctor.  We will arrest the 
     "Hey!  I'm on a mission from Sheila Greywand.  Anyway, they shot my horse.  My 
HORSE!  I'm gonna get 'em."  Unslinging his huge sword, Keel strode toward the gate.
     Four Guardsmen came with him, flanking him like the trailing ends of a flock of 
geese.  They might have intended a different formation, but he had the longest legs 
and walked the fastest.  The one who'd spoken to him before said, "I'm Corporal Brat 
Langerman.  And you are?"
     "Keel Woodhaven."
     "I've heard of you!  The Queen will want to meet you."
     "That's fine.  Let's stick to the sides of these buildings.  If they're still 
around, we'll be targets in the middle of the street."
     They weren't quiet, exactly, since the guards wore highly polished chain mail 
which jingled.  However, Bonsur had a lively night life.  Music and laughter came from 
bars and nightclubs on adjacent streets, people lingered on corners chatting and 
sometimes playing instruments, and children hawked newssheets, shoeshines, flowers, a 
selection of rouges, and offered to carry packages.  So the sounds the guards made 
weren't too noticeable.
     Keel led the way back to the chicken ranch.  He was thinking that the bad guys 
wouldn't have waited around to be hunted.  They might have left clues, though.  
Perhaps even a discarded, crumpled note offering a cash reward for his head, and 
signed by a notorious crimelord.  Or distinctive cigar stubs, monogrammed hankies... 
personalized masks.  Tracks of boots made by elven cobblers.  Anything.  Witnesses, 
     There were no people on the street near the chicken ranch.  It was full night 
now, a bit chilly although there was a warm and slightly funky breeze from the marsh.
     Corporal Brat Langerman said quietly, "Is this where it happened?"
     "Well, I don't think they're here anymore."
     Keel was about to agree, when a crossbow bolt appeared in the Corporal's arm.  
The young man hissed, "Everybody down!"
     The guardsmen hunkered against the wall of a hardware store, which didn't offer 
anything resembling good cover except that they were in shadow there.  Keel crouched a 
little, but he knew he was a pretty big target, plus his sword gave off a faint 
greenish glow.  He looked around, searching the darkness for signs of their foes.
     A shadow on top of a shaded walkway across the street shifted a little.  Keel 
pulled a weighted dart out of his pocket and hurled it.  He was good at tavern darts, 
but it was dark, the distance was too great, and he just wasn't lucky.  The little 
missile clattered against the shingles of the porch roof.  There was a startled twitch 
from the half-seen form.  At that instant, Keel lunged across the street.  His long 
legs carried him across to the opposite shadows in three bounds.  More bolts came out 
of the darkness, one lodging in his calf, the others missing him altogether.
     Now the Guardsmen had a good idea where their foes were, and it takes a while to 
reload a crossbow.  The four men charged, yelling wildly.  Tucking his sword under his 
arm, Keel grabbed one of the posts holding up the porch roof, strained, and dislodged 
it.  After a moment he yanked it out of the structure entirely.  The roof sagged, 
there was a yelp of surprise, and someone's foot appeared off the edge of it.  Keel 
grabbed him by the ankle and hauled him the rest of the way down.
     There were brief sounds of fighting, then footsteps that rapidly receded down an 
alley.  Three Guardsmen raced off in pursuit.  Keel's prisoner started to try to get 
away, so the half-Shew tossed him up, grabbed him by the arms and bashed him against 
the wall.
     "Are you okay?" asked Brat, sheathing his sword.
     "Took one in the leg, but it's not too bad I think," Keel said, shifting his 
unconscious prisoner to one hand and bending to pick up his sword.
     "I'll help you tie that one up," Brat said.  "There's a dead one here.  I think 
there were two more."  He grunted slightly, trying to reach something with his injured 
arm.  "Got some ties in my right-hand belt pouch.  If you could get them for me?"
     They bound the prisoner, then bandaged each other.
     "What did they want?" asked the Corporal.
     Keel shrugged.  "No clue.  Let's get him somewhere safe and we can ask him..."  
He listened.  "Your guys are coming back."
     The Guardsmen hadn't been able to track their assailants in the darkness, but at 
least there were no further injuries.  The group of them returned warily to the 
courtyard of the Guard House, where a woman was smearing some kind of ointment on Old 
Brown's wound.  After the horse was bedded down in the stable, the Guardsmen led Keel 
into their office, where there was a welcome scent of fresh coffee.  The medic set 
about binding Keel's wound and that of the Corporal, who turned out to be an extremely 
handsome man.  Keel remembered hearing that Queen Gemra required her Guardsmen to be 
good looking.  That didn't mean they weren't competent, though.  Brat had done pretty 
     The medic roused their prisoner with smelling salts.  They all sat in the main 
office, Corporal Langerman facing the miscreant, who was seated in a cushioned chair, 
looking reasonably comfortable except for his bandaged head.  "All right," said Brat.  
"Now I want you to tell me that you're going to turn Queen's Evidence."
     "Not on your life, pretty boy!"  The man had, perhaps, some excuse for hard 
feelings since he was more homely than not, with a crooked nose and eyes set too close 
together.  He and Keel looked shabby and ill-favored amongst all these gleamingly 
handsome Guardsmen.
     Keel leaned forward.  "You guys shot my horse."
     "Oh.  Sorry, didn't mean to do that.  We were just shooting at you."
     "Glowing sword."
     "Duh, it's a magic sword!  We saw it when you drew it in Delarq Tor, and figured 
we could sell it so we followed you."
     The half-Shew snorted.  "The Dentless isn't magic.  It was in a Chaos Gate for 
five hundred years and it picked up some energy, that's all.  All it does, is glow.  
And cut things."
     The bandit looked chagrined.  "But... it's got to be magic."
     "Ain't.  Sorry kid."
     After that, Keel was taken to enjoy a sumptuous dinner at the Palace.  Queen 
Gemra was a definite babe, with long, silken black hair, a delicate pouty face, and 
luscious curves.  She asked him about his mission, which was to go to the Twisted 
Lands and shut down a leaking Chaos Gate.  He entertained her with the story of his 
adventure on the Two-Shew Express, and she gave him a brown velvet cloak to show her 
appreciation.  She did not invite him to her bed, which was fine because his heart 
belonged to another, always and forever.
                                      * * * * * 

                           This is a continuing adventure.  
         Watch for future chapters in the Bonsur and Home Guard newsletters!