Date   : 02/15/2018    Duedate: 02/28/2018


DM-74    TURN-629

This Weeks Top Honors


(74-4656) [11-3-2,107]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

ROLLY                          ALWAYS A BRIDESMAID
(74-4656) [11-3-2,107]         (74-4479) [1-0-1,33]

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

PELDAN DJIAN                   BINGO
SAND DANCERS (251)             PUPPY DOG PALS (552)
(74-4579) [22-29-0,95]         (74-4653) [8-4-1,72]



Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. PUPPY DOG PALS (552)        43
2. FAVORITE SAYINGS (539)      33      PUPPY DOG PALS (552)
3. SPROUT OF MY WAY! (555)     22      Unchartered Team
4. SAND DANCERS (251)           4
5. BASH BROS MAILMAN (521)      0      SPROUT OF MY WAY! (555)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 1*SPROUT OF MY WAY! (555)    6   0  0  100   1/ 1 PUPPY DOG PALS (552)     13  2 1
 2/ 2 PUPPY DOG PALS (552)      40  15  5 72.7   2/ 3*SPROUT OF MY WAY! (555)   6  0 0
 3- 3 THE FUNKENSTEINS (538)    55  39  4 58.5   3/ 2 SAND DANCERS (251)        5 10 1
 4/ 4 SAND DANCERS (251)       %1434 %1574 49 47.7   4/ 6*FAVORITE SAYINGS (539)    2  5 1
 5/ 5*FAVORITE SAYINGS (539)     3   6  1 33.3   5- 5*BASH BROS MAILMAN (521)   1  1 0
 6- 6*BASH BROS MAILMAN (521)    2   4  0 33.3   6- 4 THE FUNKENSTEINS (538)    1  1 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                      SPY REPORT

     Good day, in DAYLA KIV a quiet thief gets rich, but a quiet spymaster gets poor. 
So bring me ale and harken to my tidbits of news.  The SPROUT OF MY WAY! guild has 
had a 3-0-0 turn and deserves to be watched in the future.  You never know where this 
kind of thing can lead.  And let's see, BINGO fought KOMAR THE PENNILESS and gained 
15 points and contributed to PUPPY DOG PALS' 5-0-1.  Defending his title for another 
turn, ROLLY kept SAND DANCERS' warrior, PELDAN DJIAN, from claiming the throne.  Can 
someone confirm a rumor for me?  I hear the top team makes their losing fighters do 
dishes at The Crystal Wheel until they win.  Maybe?   
     I tell you, a green quarterstaff lasts longer than a seasoned sapling.  A basher 
friend of mine assures me this is true.  I also notice that the BASH BROS MAILMAN 
stable was the most avoided team this turn.  Come on DAYLA KIV, what are you afraid 
of?  And avoiding BASH BROS MAILMAN more than any other team we find PUPPY DOG PALS.  
DAYLA KIV, are we going to accept, or respect this sort of thing?  Well, sports fans, 
take notice that PELDAN DJIAN from SAND DANCERS was DAYLA KIV's most challenged 
warrior this turn.   
     A coward dies a thousand deaths, a brave man only once.  Wise men know this to 
be true.  The grave that FAVORITE SAYINGS had dug for ALWAYS A BRIDESMAID may yet be 
filled with the body of TALL SHARO-SKA.  Seldom are the likes of this to be seen.  
ALWAYS A BRIDESMAID lives still!  Is it really true that DAYLA KIV has more 
dishwashers per capita that fighters?  Just thought I'd ask...   
     Thought for the day, a new sword shines bright, but the notched sword sings the 
sweetest.  It's been nice chatting with you, until we meet again, keep your swords 
sharp and your hammers heavy.  Until you see my quill in DAYLA KIV again, farewell-- 
Alarond the Scribe  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 ROLLY 4656                   11   3  2   107       PUPPY DOG PALS (552)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 PELDAN DJIAN 4579            22  29  0    95       SAND DANCERS (251)
-REGINALD FUNKENSTEIN 4461    10   3  0    91       THE FUNKENSTEINS (538)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 BINGO 4653                    8   4  1    72       PUPPY DOG PALS (552)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 BOB 4660                      6   1  1    56       PUPPY DOG PALS (552)
 HISSY 4657                   11   4  0    53       PUPPY DOG PALS (552)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 ALWAYS A BRIDESMAID 4479      1   0  1    33       FAVORITE SAYINGS (539)
-COPA WHAT 4594                5   0  0    31       THE FUNKENSTEINS (538)
-OFF DAY 4313                  2   4  0    27       BASH BROS MAILMAN (521)
 DET. NODDY 4673               2   0  0    27       SPROUT OF MY WAY! (555)
 A.R.F. 4665                   4   3  1    26       PUPPY DOG PALS (552)
 MAYA THE BEE 4684             2   0  0    26       SPROUT OF MY WAY! (555)
 LILY 4677                     2   0  0    24       SPROUT OF MY WAY! (555)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 PUSSYWILLOW 4698              2   2  1     9       SAND DANCERS (251)
 LIGHTNING 4699                2   2  0     8       SAND DANCERS (251)
 BARTRAN KLEE 4704             0   1  0     1       SAND DANCERS (251)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD                W  L K TEAM NAME            SLAIN BY              TURN Revenge?
TALL SHARO-SKA          0  0 0 DARK ARENA           ALWAYS A BRIDESM 4479 629  NONE
NEVER A BRIDE 4481      2  3 0 FAVORITE SAYINGS 539 BOB 4660              629   

                                     PERSONAL ADS

Rolly -- A fight well won. -- Tiogan Crow

Two wins over standbys.  Good. -- Ardia Li

Never a Bride -- Not mine, at least. -- Pussywillow

Maya the Bee -- I'm allergic! -- Lightning

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

ALWAYS A BRIDESMAID viciously butchered TALL SHARO-SKA in a 2 minute Dark Arena fight.
COLD TURKEY was slaughtered by CHANNA THE DANCER in a 1 minute Dark Arena battle.
ROLLY handily defeated PELDAN DJIAN in a 1 minute one-sided Title match.
TIOGAN CROW was vanquished by KOMAR THE PENNILESS in a 1 minute mismatched brawl.
BINGO savagely defeated KOMAR THE PENNILESS in a crowd pleasing 4 minute bloody match.
BOB slaughtered NEVER A BRIDE in a 1 minute mismatched fight.
HISSY beat DANGEROUS BON LOKAR in a 2 minute brawl.
A.R.F. overcame LIGHTNING in a 1 minute gruesome fight.
DET. NODDY vanquished PUSSYWILLOW in a 1 minute uneven duel.
LILY vanquished TURO JAGUARCLAW in a 1 minute uneven fight.
MAYA THE BEE vanquished BARTRAN KLEE in a 1 minute one-sided fight.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|LUNGING ATTACK                   6         SLASHING ATTACK    3 -   0 -  0     100  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    3         PARRY-RIPOSTE     20 -   5 -  2      80  |
|AIMED BLOW                       3         LUNGING ATTACK    16 -   4 -  2      80  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      1         PARRY-LUNGE       11 -   6 -  0      65  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                  1         TOTAL PARRY        1 -   1 -  0      50  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   1         AIMED BLOW         6 -   6 -  2      50  |
|TOTAL PARRY                      1         BASHING ATTACK     6 -   7 -  0      46  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     0         STRIKING ATTACK   11 -  16 -  0      41  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                  0         PARRY-STRIKE       0 -   2 -  0       0  |
|WALL OF STEEL                    0         WALL OF STEEL      0 -   1 -  0       0  |

Turn 629 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

PARRY-RIPOSTE      3 -  0     AIMED BLOW         1 -  2         4  LUNGING ATTACK 
LUNGING ATTACK     5 -  1     PARRY-LUNGE        0 -  1         3  PARRY-RIPOSTE  
                              PARRY-STRIKE       0 -  0         1  STRIKING ATTACK
                              SLASHING ATTACK    0 -  0         1  SLASHING ATTACK
                              STRIKING ATTACK    0 -  1         1  TOTAL PARRY    
                              BASHING ATTACK     0 -  1         1  BASHING ATTACK 
                              TOTAL PARRY        0 -  1     
                              WALL OF STEEL      0 -  0     

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
PARRY-RIPOSTE    ROLLY 4656                 11   3  2  107 PUPPY DOG PALS (552)
LUNGING ATTACK   BOB 4660                    6   1  1   56 PUPPY DOG PALS (552)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is PELDAN DJIAN 4579.  The most popular warrior this 
turn was BINGO 4653.  The ten other most popular fighters were ALWAYS A BRIDESMAID 
4479, BOB 4660, A.R.F. 4665, ROLLY 4656, HISSY 4657, MAYA THE BEE 4684, DET. NODDY 
4673, LILY 4677, COLD TURKEY 4480, and PELDAN DJIAN 4579.

The least popular fighter this week was BARTRAN KLEE 4704.  The other ten least 
popular fighters were PUSSYWILLOW 4698, LIGHTNING 4699, NEVER A BRIDE 4481, PELDAN 
4657, and ROLLY 4656.

The following warriors have traveled to AD after fighting this turn:


                             Mission to the Twisted Lands

                                     Episode One

     Old Brown could run pretty fast if properly motivated, but mostly he walked with 
a long-legged, distance-devouring stride.  He was a huge horse, a half-giant's 
warhorse, shaggy and self-assured, with muscles like half-buried boulders in his 
shoulders and hips.  Lounging in the saddle was the motivating force, the half-giant, 
Keel Woodhaven.  Although in his mind he was slouching and half-asleep, he sat up 
straight in the saddle since that is more comfortable for riding.
     It was twilight, stars coming out above and lights in farmhouse windows below.  
They traveled through vineyards, brown and fallow now in the winter, descending gently 
toward the tree-crowded coast.  The distant trees, not just pines, were green.  They 
stayed green because the marsh that surrounded the city-state of Bonsur had hot 
springs in it.
     Keel Woodhaven had always liked Bonsur.  It had a relaxed feel about it, the 
women seemed prettier, the music was great, everyone thought about having fun.  And 
the booze was excellent, of course.  He passed the arena at the edge of town, and 
paused to read the current statistics, posted on the gate and lit by a lantern.  So, 
an elven cobbler was the Duelmaster?  Why would a shoemaker take up such a painful 
profession?  Then he noticed the team name:  Shewish Picnic.  He snorted.  That 
explained it, all right.  As a half-Shew, he was kind of bothered by that team theme, 
which was present in Home Guard as well.  It was sort of funny though.  He saw that 
Elf Cobbler was headed for the Isle.  Probably not bound for Home Guard just yet, 
     They passed a small chicken ranch.  A rooster uttered an untimely crow.  At about 
that time, Old Brown took exception to something and bolted.  Cussing, Keel hauled on 
the reins, to little effect since the horse was stronger than him and apparently 
frightened.  He didn't see the masked men coming out of their hiding places behind 
him, looking frustrated.  At least not until a crossbow bolt thunked into the backside 
of his leather cuirass. His horse screamed and ran faster.
     Hauling Old Brown to the left as they passed a set of big open gates into a well-
lighted courtyard, Keel got them behind the shelter of the high stone wall, and patted 
the horse's sweaty neck.  "You're okay now, friend.  I'll go take care of those 
     As he dismounted, he noticed he was becoming surrounded by uniformed men, some 
with swords and some with halberds.
     "Howdy?" he said, hoping they were friendly.
     "Your horse has been shot," said someone, pointing at a bolt sticking out of Old 
Brown's butt.
     "Well damn!"  Keel laid a comforting hand on the horse's flank, which quivered.
     "So have you," the guard continued.
     "Yeah, thought so.  Doesn't feel like it got through the armor though."  Keel 
tried to look over his shoulder, but could only see the feathered end of the bolt.  
"Who are you guys?"
     "We are the Queen's Guard."
     "What?  Queen Gemra?  Okay, please take care of Old Brown here, and I'll go find 
the ***holes that shot him."
     "Sir, you are mistaken.  You will be taken to a doctor.  We will arrest the 
     "Hey!  I'm on a mission from Sheila Greywand.  Anyway, they shot my horse.  My 
HORSE!  I'm gonna get 'em."  Unslinging his huge sword, Keel strode toward the gate.
     Four Guardsmen came with him, flanking him like the trailing ends of a flock of 
geese.  They might have intended a different formation, but he had the longest legs 
and walked the fastest.  The one who'd spoken to him before said, "I'm Corporal Brat 
Langerman.  And you are?"
     "Keel Woodhaven."
     "I've heard of you!  The Queen will want to meet you."
     "That's fine.  Let's stick to the sides of these buildings.  If they're still 
around, we'll be targets in the middle of the street."
     They weren't quiet, exactly, since the guards wore highly polished chain mail 
which jingled.  However, Bonsur had a lively night life.  Music and laughter came from 
bars and nightclubs on adjacent streets, people lingered on corners chatting and 
sometimes playing instruments, and children hawked newssheets, shoeshines, flowers, a 
selection of rouges, and offered to carry packages.  So the sounds the guards made 
weren't too noticeable.
     Keel led the way back to the chicken ranch.  He was thinking that the bad guys 
wouldn't have waited around to be hunted.  They might have left clues, though.  
Perhaps even a discarded, crumpled note offering a cash reward for his head, and 
signed by a notorious crimelord.  Or distinctive cigar stubs, monogrammed hankies... 
personalized masks.  Tracks of boots made by elven cobblers.  Anything.  Witnesses, 
     There were no people on the street near the chicken ranch.  It was full night 
now, a bit chilly although there was a warm and slightly funky breeze from the marsh.
     Corporal Brat Langerman said quietly, "Is this where it happened?"
     "Well, I don't think they're here anymore."
     Keel was about to agree, when a crossbow bolt appeared in the Corporal's arm.  
The young man hissed, "Everybody down!"
     The guardsmen hunkered against the wall of a hardware store, which didn't offer 
anything resembling good cover except that they were in shadow there.  Keel crouched a 
little, but he knew he was a pretty big target, plus his sword gave off a faint 
greenish glow.  He looked around, searching the darkness for signs of their foes.
     A shadow on top of a shaded walkway across the street shifted a little.  Keel 
pulled a weighted dart out of his pocket and hurled it.  He was good at tavern darts, 
but it was dark, the distance was too great, and he just wasn't lucky.  The little 
missile clattered against the shingles of the porch roof.  There was a startled twitch 
from the half-seen form.  At that instant, Keel lunged across the street.  His long 
legs carried him across to the opposite shadows in three bounds.  More bolts came out 
of the darkness, one lodging in his calf, the others missing him altogether.
     Now the Guardsmen had a good idea where their foes were, and it takes a while to 
reload a crossbow.  The four men charged, yelling wildly.  Tucking his sword under his 
arm, Keel grabbed one of the posts holding up the porch roof, strained, and dislodged 
it.  After a moment he yanked it out of the structure entirely.  The roof sagged, 
there was a yelp of surprise, and someone's foot appeared off the edge of it.  Keel 
grabbed him by the ankle and hauled him the rest of the way down.
     There were brief sounds of fighting, then footsteps that rapidly receded down an 
alley.  Three Guardsmen raced off in pursuit.  Keel's prisoner started to try to get 
away, so the half-Shew tossed him up, grabbed him by the arms and bashed him against 
the wall.
     "Are you okay?" asked Brat, sheathing his sword.
     "Took one in the leg, but it's not too bad I think," Keel said, shifting his 
unconscious prisoner to one hand and bending to pick up his sword.
     "I'll help you tie that one up," Brat said.  "There's a dead one here.  I think 
there were two more."  He grunted slightly, trying to reach something with his injured 
arm.  "Got some ties in my right-hand belt pouch.  If you could get them for me?"
     They bound the prisoner, then bandaged each other.
     "What did they want?" asked the Corporal.
     Keel shrugged.  "No clue.  Let's get him somewhere safe and we can ask him..."  
He listened.  "Your guys are coming back."
     The Guardsmen hadn't been able to track their assailants in the darkness, but at 
least there were no further injuries.  The group of them returned warily to the 
courtyard of the Guard House, where a woman was smearing some kind of ointment on Old 
Brown's wound.  After the horse was bedded down in the stable, the Guardsmen led Keel 
into their office, where there was a welcome scent of fresh coffee.  The medic set 
about binding Keel's wound and that of the Corporal, who turned out to be an extremely 
handsome man.  Keel remembered hearing that Queen Gemra required her Guardsmen to be 
good looking.  That didn't mean they weren't competent, though.  Brat had done pretty 
     The medic roused their prisoner with smelling salts.  They all sat in the main 
office, Corporal Langerman facing the miscreant, who was seated in a cushioned chair, 
looking reasonably comfortable except for his bandaged head.  "All right," said Brat.  
"Now I want you to tell me that you're going to turn Queen's Evidence."
     "Not on your life, pretty boy!"  The man had, perhaps, some excuse for hard 
feelings since he was more homely than not, with a crooked nose and eyes set too close 
together.  He and Keel looked shabby and ill-favored amongst all these gleamingly 
handsome Guardsmen.
     Keel leaned forward.  "You guys shot my horse."
     "Oh.  Sorry, didn't mean to do that.  We were just shooting at you."
     "Glowing sword."
     "Duh, it's a magic sword!  We saw it when you drew it in Delarq Tor, and figured 
we could sell it so we followed you."
     The half-Shew snorted.  "The Dentless isn't magic.  It was in a Chaos Gate for 
five hundred years and it picked up some energy, that's all.  All it does, is glow.  
And cut things."
     The bandit looked chagrined.  "But... it's got to be magic."
     "Ain't.  Sorry kid."
     After that, Keel was taken to enjoy a sumptuous dinner at the Palace.  Queen 
Gemra was a definite babe, with long, silken black hair, a delicate pouty face, and 
luscious curves.  She asked him about his mission, which was to go to the Twisted 
Lands and shut down a leaking Chaos Gate.  He entertained her with the story of his 
adventure on the Two-Shew Express, and she gave him a brown velvet cloak to show her 
appreciation.  She did not invite him to her bed, which was fine because his heart 
belonged to another, always and forever.
                                      * * * * * 

                           This is a continuing adventure.  
         Watch for future chapters in the Bonsur and Home Guard newsletters!