Date   : 02/08/2018    Duedate: 02/21/2018


DM-75    TURN-623

This Weeks Top Honors


(75-3762) [13-4-0,126]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

COLD STEEL                     TOMTOM
CRITICALS (13)                 HEROS OF HAGUS (333)
(75-3762) [13-4-0,126]         (75-3792) [5-0-0,49]

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

RUMBLER                        KEITH RICHARDS
SAND DANCERS (67)              THE B TEAM (334)
(75-3693) [17-36-0,87]         (75-3797) [2-3-1,14]



Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. JADED WARRIORS (335)        34
2. HEROS OF HAGUS (333)        26      CRITICALS (13)
3. CRITICALS (13)              25      Unchartered Team
4. EASTERN HORDE 2 (329)       19
5. THE B TEAM (334)             9      JADED WARRIORS (335)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 1*JADED WARRIORS (335)       7   1  1 87.5   1/ 1*HEROS OF HAGUS (333)      9  6 0
 2/ 2 CRITICALS (13)           280 170 23 62.2   2/ 4*JADED WARRIORS (335)      7  1 1
 3/ 3*HEROS OF HAGUS (333)      15  10  0 60.0   3/ 5 CRITICALS (13)            6  4 0
 4/ 4 SAND DANCERS (67)        %1245 %1753 37 41.5   4/ 3*THE B TEAM (334)          5 10 1
 5/ 5*THE B TEAM (334)           9  16  3 36.0   5/ 2 SAND DANCERS (67)         5 10 0
 6/ 0*EASTERN HORDE 2 (329)      1  12  0  7.7   6/ 0*EASTERN HORDE 2 (329)     1  0 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                      SPY REPORT

     Hail and well met warriors of JADE MOUNTAIN!  Know me for who I am, Zontani 
Sharp Eyes, Spymaster extraordinaire of all Alastari.  CROWBAR caught the eye of many 
in the gladiatorial commission as he skillfully bested SUN TZU and was awarded 19 
points in recognition.  In one of the week's more notable duels, ATTILA THE HUN put 
down VIVAMUS ME, causing her to lose 13 points of recognition in the process.  Not 
for nothing has COLD STEEL in the past laid claim to the Duelmaster's throne, and 
this week he's proven his combat skill yet again.  Heed this!  A seer has warned that 
if exactly 6 die in duels this week, the whole city shall perish!  Just remember...5 
or 7!   
     But come now, let us look deeper into the maze of contention and crossed blades 
that is city JADE MOUNTAIN.  My inside sources tell me that the team to beat in JADE 
MOUNTAIN these days is CRITICALS.  At least, most blades in town are looking to avoid 
them.  If you didn't look down dark alleys you'd have been hard pressed to find any 
of JADED WARRIORS last week.  Busy avoiding CRITICALS?  I cannot but express pride 
for the fearlessness of AGNOR who cast caution to the winds and challenged HAI TAI, a 
fighter 26 points higher.  I must admit to some joy.  Before my very eyes the 
underdog in this contest, AGNOR, defeated HAI TAI to claim victory and recognition.  
A match that raised a few eyebrows at the games this week, it seems that TOMTOM 
posted a challenge against the more highly recognized HOTDOG.  The results, you ask?  
Well, the firebrand TOMTOM won victory over HOTDOG.  Remember warriors, this is the 
discipline of steel.   
     Is not Death a warrior's foremost adviser?   Warriors, may this counselor stand 
ready at your right hand forever!  Some say a warrior is judged by the way he bears 
arms.  One thing is sure, better a dagger in hand then a sword on the belt!   
     The girls are as pretty in JADE MOUNTAIN as ever I remembered them....and the 
fighters as ugly!  Don't let your reputation slip!  Sadly warriors, now longer can I 
keep thy company nor savor the ale of thy fine city.  Depart I must and soon!  Till 
next we meet remember:  a fool flies into a rage quickly and often.  The wise are 
angered by the same thing only once.  Zontani Sharp Eyes  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 COLD STEEL 3762              13   4  0   126       CRITICALS (13)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 FULL FORCE 3714              11   1  0   119       CRITICALS (13)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 LADY CHAO 3736               20  20  1    90       SAND DANCERS (67)
 HAN KI 3746                  16  22  1    89       SAND DANCERS (67)
 RUMBLER 3693                 17  36  0    87       SAND DANCERS (67)
 GLEAMING BLADE 3761           7   6  0    74       CRITICALS (13)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 HOTDOG 3755                  10  22  0    52       SAND DANCERS (67)
 TOMTOM 3792                   5   0  0    49       HEROS OF HAGUS (333)
 AGNOR 3793                    4   1  0    44       HEROS OF HAGUS (333)
 HAI TAI 3769                  9  12  0    39       SAND DANCERS (67)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 ATTILA THE HUN 3811           2   0  0    28       JADED WARRIORS (335)
 CHEWBACCA 3812                2   0  0    24       JADED WARRIORS (335)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 BELLA 3795                    5   0  0    20       HEROS OF HAGUS (333)
 GERONIMO 3810                 2   0  0    20       JADED WARRIORS (335)
 CROWBAR 3720                  1   0  0    19       EASTERN HORDE 2 (329)
 UNTAMED 3787                  2   3  0    18       CRITICALS (13)
 KEITH RICHARDS 3797           2   3  1    14       THE B TEAM (334)
-GENGHIS KHAN 3808             1   0  1    14       JADED WARRIORS (335)
 BOLDER 3801                   2   3  1    10       THE B TEAM (334)
 ABBA GOLD 3800                2   3  0     9       THE B TEAM (334)
 MILES 3798                    2   3  0     9       THE B TEAM (334)
 ZAZZER 3799                   1   4  1     8       THE B TEAM (334)
 VIVAMUS ME 3807               1   1  0     8       HEROS OF HAGUS (333)
 SLUG 3796                     0   5  0     5       HEROS OF HAGUS (333)
 SUN TZU 3809                  0   1  0     1       JADED WARRIORS (335)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD                W  L K TEAM NAME            SLAIN BY              TURN Revenge?
ABIGAIL 3804            0  1 0 HEROS OF HAGUS 333   KEITH RICHARDS 3797   620  REVENGED
HAGUS 3794              0  1 0 HEROS OF HAGUS 333   BOLDER 3801           619  REVENGED
HAGUS II 3805           0  1 0 HEROS OF HAGUS 333   ZAZZER 3799           621  REVENGED

                                     PERSONAL ADS

Be it known that I am so, so jaded. (wink) -- Cleopatra, mistress of the jaded 

Untamed, only one whacky hit from me? With normal damage? Oh, maybe I don't do normal. 
Bwahahahahah. -- Attila The Hun

Lightfinger Lu?
Sai-Ki The Pegleg?
Can't we fight a real warrior? -- Geronimo, Chewbacca, & Genghis Khan

Well, well; if it isn't that lovely Jorja back in town. How nice. -- Cleopatra

Cold Steel -- You again.  This is not new. -- Rumbler
P.S.  But it's a small arena.  Who else is there?

Full Force -- Rude. -- Lady Chao

Gleaming Blade -- Wow!  Let me loan a hanky to tie up that injury.  Can't have you 
bleeding all over the place. -- Han Ki

Standbys are good, so long as they lose.  Which this one did. -- Hai Tai

Mine didn't, and I resent that.  Why should YOU get the loser, Hai Tai? -- Hotdog

Better public relations.  The standbys LIKE me. -- Hai Tai

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

AGNOR bested HAI TAI in a 1 minute amateur vs. expert upset Challenge fight.
TOMTOM narrowly defeated HOTDOG in a popular 3 minute one-sided Challenge melee.
COLD STEEL vanquished HAN KI in a 1 minute mismatched Title brawl.
FULL FORCE overpowered RUMBLER in a 1 minute one-sided fight.
LADY CHAO viciously subdued GLEAMING BLADE in a popular 4 minute expert's brawl.
CHEWBACCA overpowered BOLDER in a 1 minute mismatched brawl.
UNTAMED overpowered ZAZZER in a 2 minute gruesome uneven melee.
ATTILA THE HUN vanquished VIVAMUS ME in a 1 minute one-sided duel.
BELLA won victory over MILES in a 5 minute gory novice's duel.
SLUG was outlasted by KEITH RICHARDS in a popular 9 minute novice's melee.
ABBA GOLD was demolished by GERONIMO in a 1 minute mismatched match.
CROWBAR handily defeated SUN TZU in a exciting 3 minute one-sided contest.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|TOTAL PARRY                      5         PARRY-STRIKE       6 -   1 -  0      86  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   4         LUNGING ATTACK    10 -   3 -  0      77  |
|LUNGING ATTACK                   3         SLASHING ATTACK    4 -   2 -  1      67  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                  3         AIMED BLOW        14 -  10 -  1      58  |
|AIMED BLOW                       2         STRIKING ATTACK   12 -  10 -  1      55  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                  2         WALL OF STEEL      6 -   6 -  0      50  |
|WALL OF STEEL                    2         BASHING ATTACK    12 -  17 -  2      41  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    2         PARRY-RIPOSTE      6 -  10 -  1      38  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     1         TOTAL PARRY        7 -  18 -  0      28  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      0         PARRY-LUNGE        0 -   1 -  0       0  |

Turn 623 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

PARRY-STRIKE       1 -  0     TOTAL PARRY        2 -  3         3  TOTAL PARRY    
LUNGING ATTACK     2 -  1     PARRY-LUNGE        0 -  0         3  BASHING ATTACK 
STRIKING ATTACK    2 -  1     PARRY-RIPOSTE      0 -  2         2  LUNGING ATTACK 
AIMED BLOW         1 -  1                                       1  AIMED BLOW     
SLASHING ATTACK    1 -  1                                       1  PARRY-RIPOSTE  
BASHING ATTACK     2 -  2                                       1  STRIKING ATTACK
WALL OF STEEL      1 -  1     

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
LUNGING ATTACK   COLD STEEL 3762            13   4  0  126 CRITICALS (13)
TOTAL PARRY      FULL FORCE 3714            11   1  0  119 CRITICALS (13)
BASHING ATTACK   TOMTOM 3792                 5   0  0   49 HEROS OF HAGUS (333)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is RUMBLER 3693.  The most popular warrior this turn 
was KEITH RICHARDS 3797.  The ten other most popular fighters were TOMTOM 3792, LADY 
CHAO 3736, SUN TZU 3809, GLEAMING BLADE 3761, UNTAMED 3787, AGNOR 3793, HOTDOG 3755, 

The least popular fighter this week was SLUG 3796.  The other ten least popular 
fighters were ABBA GOLD 3800, BELLA 3795, VIVAMUS ME 3807, ZAZZER 3799, BOLDER 3801, 
RUMBLER 3693, HAN KI 3746, CROWBAR 3720, GERONIMO 3810, and ATTILA THE HUN 3811.

                             Mission to the Twisted Lands

                                     Episode One

     Old Brown could run pretty fast if properly motivated, but mostly he walked with 
a long-legged, distance-devouring stride.  He was a huge horse, a half-giant's 
warhorse, shaggy and self-assured, with muscles like half-buried boulders in his 
shoulders and hips.  Lounging in the saddle was the motivating force, the half-giant, 
Keel Woodhaven.  Although in his mind he was slouching and half-asleep, he sat up 
straight in the saddle since that is more comfortable for riding.
     It was twilight, stars coming out above and lights in farmhouse windows below.  
They traveled through vineyards, brown and fallow now in the winter, descending gently 
toward the tree-crowded coast.  The distant trees, not just pines, were green.  They 
stayed green because the marsh that surrounded the city-state of Bonsur had hot 
springs in it.
     Keel Woodhaven had always liked Bonsur.  It had a relaxed feel about it, the 
women seemed prettier, the music was great, everyone thought about having fun.  And 
the booze was excellent, of course.  He passed the arena at the edge of town, and 
paused to read the current statistics, posted on the gate and lit by a lantern.  So, 
an elven cobbler was the Duelmaster?  Why would a shoemaker take up such a painful 
profession?  Then he noticed the team name:  Shewish Picnic.  He snorted.  That 
explained it, all right.  As a half-Shew, he was kind of bothered by that team theme, 
which was present in Home Guard as well.  It was sort of funny though.  He saw that 
Elf Cobbler was headed for the Isle.  Probably not bound for Home Guard just yet, 
     They passed a small chicken ranch.  A rooster uttered an untimely crow.  At about 
that time, Old Brown took exception to something and bolted.  Cussing, Keel hauled on 
the reins, to little effect since the horse was stronger than him and apparently 
frightened.  He didn't see the masked men coming out of their hiding places behind 
him, looking frustrated.  At least not until a crossbow bolt thunked into the backside 
of his leather cuirass. His horse screamed and ran faster.
     Hauling Old Brown to the left as they passed a set of big open gates into a well-
lighted courtyard, Keel got them behind the shelter of the high stone wall, and patted 
the horse's sweaty neck.  "You're okay now, friend.  I'll go take care of those 
     As he dismounted, he noticed he was becoming surrounded by uniformed men, some 
with swords and some with halberds.
     "Howdy?" he said, hoping they were friendly.
     "Your horse has been shot," said someone, pointing at a bolt sticking out of Old 
Brown's butt.
     "Well damn!"  Keel laid a comforting hand on the horse's flank, which quivered.
     "So have you," the guard continued.
     "Yeah, thought so.  Doesn't feel like it got through the armor though."  Keel 
tried to look over his shoulder, but could only see the feathered end of the bolt.  
"Who are you guys?"
     "We are the Queen's Guard."
     "What?  Queen Gemra?  Okay, please take care of Old Brown here, and I'll go find 
the ***holes that shot him."
     "Sir, you are mistaken.  You will be taken to a doctor.  We will arrest the 
     "Hey!  I'm on a mission from Sheila Greywand.  Anyway, they shot my horse.  My 
HORSE!  I'm gonna get 'em."  Unslinging his huge sword, Keel strode toward the gate.
     Four Guardsmen came with him, flanking him like the trailing ends of a flock of 
geese.  They might have intended a different formation, but he had the longest legs 
and walked the fastest.  The one who'd spoken to him before said, "I'm Corporal Brat 
Langerman.  And you are?"
     "Keel Woodhaven."
     "I've heard of you!  The Queen will want to meet you."
     "That's fine.  Let's stick to the sides of these buildings.  If they're still 
around, we'll be targets in the middle of the street."
     They weren't quiet, exactly, since the guards wore highly polished chain mail 
which jingled.  However, Bonsur had a lively night life.  Music and laughter came from 
bars and nightclubs on adjacent streets, people lingered on corners chatting and 
sometimes playing instruments, and children hawked newssheets, shoeshines, flowers, a 
selection of rouges, and offered to carry packages.  So the sounds the guards made 
weren't too noticeable.
     Keel led the way back to the chicken ranch.  He was thinking that the bad guys 
wouldn't have waited around to be hunted.  They might have left clues, though.  
Perhaps even a discarded, crumpled note offering a cash reward for his head, and 
signed by a notorious crimelord.  Or distinctive cigar stubs, monogrammed hankies... 
personalized masks.  Tracks of boots made by elven cobblers.  Anything.  Witnesses, 
     There were no people on the street near the chicken ranch.  It was full night 
now, a bit chilly although there was a warm and slightly funky breeze from the marsh.
     Corporal Brat Langerman said quietly, "Is this where it happened?"
     "Well, I don't think they're here anymore."
     Keel was about to agree, when a crossbow bolt appeared in the Corporal's arm.  
The young man hissed, "Everybody down!"
     The guardsmen hunkered against the wall of a hardware store, which didn't offer 
anything resembling good cover except that they were in shadow there.  Keel crouched a 
little, but he knew he was a pretty big target, plus his sword gave off a faint 
greenish glow.  He looked around, searching the darkness for signs of their foes.
     A shadow on top of a shaded walkway across the street shifted a little.  Keel 
pulled a weighted dart out of his pocket and hurled it.  He was good at tavern darts, 
but it was dark, the distance was too great, and he just wasn't lucky.  The little 
missile clattered against the shingles of the porch roof.  There was a startled twitch 
from the half-seen form.  At that instant, Keel lunged across the street.  His long 
legs carried him across to the opposite shadows in three bounds.  More bolts came out 
of the darkness, one lodging in his calf, the others missing him altogether.
     Now the Guardsmen had a good idea where their foes were, and it takes a while to 
reload a crossbow.  The four men charged, yelling wildly.  Tucking his sword under his 
arm, Keel grabbed one of the posts holding up the porch roof, strained, and dislodged 
it.  After a moment he yanked it out of the structure entirely.  The roof sagged, 
there was a yelp of surprise, and someone's foot appeared off the edge of it.  Keel 
grabbed him by the ankle and hauled him the rest of the way down.
     There were brief sounds of fighting, then footsteps that rapidly receded down an 
alley.  Three Guardsmen raced off in pursuit.  Keel's prisoner started to try to get 
away, so the half-Shew tossed him up, grabbed him by the arms and bashed him against 
the wall.
     "Are you okay?" asked Brat, sheathing his sword.
     "Took one in the leg, but it's not too bad I think," Keel said, shifting his 
unconscious prisoner to one hand and bending to pick up his sword.
     "I'll help you tie that one up," Brat said.  "There's a dead one here.  I think 
there were two more."  He grunted slightly, trying to reach something with his injured 
arm.  "Got some ties in my right-hand belt pouch.  If you could get them for me?"
     They bound the prisoner, then bandaged each other.
     "What did they want?" asked the Corporal.
     Keel shrugged.  "No clue.  Let's get him somewhere safe and we can ask him..."  
He listened.  "Your guys are coming back."
     The Guardsmen hadn't been able to track their assailants in the darkness, but at 
least there were no further injuries.  The group of them returned warily to the 
courtyard of the Guard House, where a woman was smearing some kind of ointment on Old 
Brown's wound.  After the horse was bedded down in the stable, the Guardsmen led Keel 
into their office, where there was a welcome scent of fresh coffee.  The medic set 
about binding Keel's wound and that of the Corporal, who turned out to be an extremely 
handsome man.  Keel remembered hearing that Queen Gemra required her Guardsmen to be 
good looking.  That didn't mean they weren't competent, though.  Brat had done pretty 
     The medic roused their prisoner with smelling salts.  They all sat in the main 
office, Corporal Langerman facing the miscreant, who was seated in a cushioned chair, 
looking reasonably comfortable except for his bandaged head.  "All right," said Brat.  
"Now I want you to tell me that you're going to turn Queen's Evidence."
     "Not on your life, pretty boy!"  The man had, perhaps, some excuse for hard 
feelings since he was more homely than not, with a crooked nose and eyes set too close 
together.  He and Keel looked shabby and ill-favored amongst all these gleamingly 
handsome Guardsmen.
     Keel leaned forward.  "You guys shot my horse."
     "Oh.  Sorry, didn't mean to do that.  We were just shooting at you."
     "Glowing sword."
     "Duh, it's a magic sword!  We saw it when you drew it in Delarq Tor, and figured 
we could sell it so we followed you."
     The half-Shew snorted.  "The Dentless isn't magic.  It was in a Chaos Gate for 
five hundred years and it picked up some energy, that's all.  All it does, is glow.  
And cut things."
     The bandit looked chagrined.  "But... it's got to be magic."
     "Ain't.  Sorry kid."
     After that, Keel was taken to enjoy a sumptuous dinner at the Palace.  Queen 
Gemra was a definite babe, with long, silken black hair, a delicate pouty face, and 
luscious curves.  She asked him about his mission, which was to go to the Twisted 
Lands and shut down a leaking Chaos Gate.  He entertained her with the story of his 
adventure on the Two-Shew Express, and she gave him a brown velvet cloak to show her 
appreciation.  She did not invite him to her bed, which was fine because his heart 
belonged to another, always and forever.
                                      * * * * * 

                           This is a continuing adventure.  
         Watch for future chapters in the Bonsur and Home Guard newsletters!