Date   : 09/05/2005    Duedate: 09/17/2005


DM-14    TURN-523

This Weeks Top Honors


(14-3850) [8-1-0,94]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

OPUNTIA                        FIONA
(14-3850) [8-1-0,94]           (14-4293) [1-0-0,6]

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

CHICHI-HOOEY                   BAM BAM
THE DOGHOUSE (188)             THE DEATH SQUAD (63)
(14-4270) [6-7-0,25]           (14-4352) [1-0-0,8]



Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. THE DEATH SQUAD (63)        58
2. THE DOGHOUSE (188)          10      PLANTARUM ANDORIA (396)
3. TYLER'S TEAM (437)          10      Unchartered Team
4. PLANTARUM ANDORIA (396)      4
5. PLAYPEN (435)                0      TYLER'S TEAM (437)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 0 PLANTARUM ANDORIA (396)   19   9  1 67.9   1/ 3 THE DEATH SQUAD (63)      8  7 0
 2- 1*PLAYPEN (435)              6   4  1 60.0   2- 2*PLAYPEN (435)             6  4 1
 3/ 2 THE DEATH SQUAD (63)     433 346 27 55.6   3/ 1 THE DOGHOUSE (188)        6  8 0
 4- 3*BLITZKRIEG (421)          11  10  3 52.4   4/ 0 PLANTARUM ANDORIA (396)   1  0 0
 5/ 4 THE DOGHOUSE (188)       353 435  9 44.8   5- 4*BLITZKRIEG (421)          1  1 1
 6/ 0*TYLER'S TEAM (437)         1   4  0 20.0   6/ 0*TYLER'S TEAM (437)        1  4 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                    TEAM SPOTLIGHT

              + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Deep Waters #2 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +


     Kegrald Steelhand, employed by the Gladiatorial Commission as the Khalhums Dwarf
of Iaye (he was actually from Murska, but jobs were hard to find these days), reached
upward for another handhold.  He knew there was another secure hold.  Bird Rock was
rock, and you couldn't fool a dwarf about rock.  He slipped his fingers into the
crevice he had sensed and began to ease his body upward.  What he didn't know was
whether he would be able to get high enough fast enough.  You couldn't rush things,
climbing a stone like this.  Patience was just as important as knowledge, and more
important than simple strength.
     But would the Thing in the water give him time?  Probably not.  Well, it stood
to reason that it wouldn't, not if it was figuring on dwarf for dinner.
     A tentacle slapped the rock near his knee.  He risked a glance downward, wishing
he hadn't brought his shield, or that he could unbuckle it from his back without
losing his grip on the stone, or that he hadn't come out here in the first place.  No
good wishing, that wouldn't get him anywhere.  The Thing's hide glimmered like an oil
slick, all treachery and peacock colors.  Suckers fumbled at the surface of the
     Kegrald inched a little higher, wincing as a tiny ledge crumbled under his too-
hasty grip.  At least the Thing would be having as much trouble with it as he was.
Maybe more, because it didn't look like the kind of Thing that would understand rock.
A water Thing, that's what this one was.
     Another tentacle touched his foot, and he kicked at it frantically.  He wished
he'd worn boots instead of these sandals, even though he couldn't have climbed in
boots.  But the touch of that slimy, boneless, moist, soft, rubbery, lascivious, lip-
like tentacle was enough to set him shuddering, and you couldn't climb a vertical
rock-face while shuddering.  He lost one handhold and slithered downward again as his
fingers tightened desperately on the other.
     A horn blew behind him, except that no horn he'd ever heard had made such a
liquid, caressing sound as that, and besides, there was nothing behind him but the
waters of the Trier.  Not now that the Thing in the water had smashed his boat.  He
slewed his eyes sideways as far as they'd go, trying to see what was there.  Nothing
good, his luck wasn't running that way today.  Could Things blow trumpets?
     A shell, as big across as the dwarf was tall, floated on the very surface of the
water, or perhaps an inch or two above it.  The Thing that stood on it was beautiful
but totally alien, as tall as a man, or at least a woman, standing on a column of
snakes or tentacles, body like a shining pearl, and no face at all that Kegrald could
see.  The sound was coming from it, but how was beyond the dwarf's understanding,
since it had no horn, and no mouth to blow a horn anyway.  But more tentacles rose
from the water around it and closed in on Bird Rock.

              + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Deep Waters #3 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

Zorpunt and vicinity:

     "Tentacles!"  The Great White Shark's tone was scornful, but Stonefish noted
that he did not plunge into the water boldly.  "Everything has tentacles, and we're
supposed to make the connection:  tentacles equals evil.  Bah!"
     "You can see the point," Stonefish said calmly.  He was always calm; even
tentacles didn't menace someone whose very touch was poisonous.  "The conventions are
determined by the mammals, and they are helpless against the tentacled denizens of
the waters.  Even those mammals who are aquatic are at grave risk.  And I haven't
noticed you saying anything good about giant squids, or the kraken."
     "That's just common sense," the Shark said.  "The respect of one predator for
another, and avoiding those who are harder to combat."  He shrugged sloping shoulders
and continued to glare at the harbor, where something roiled the water constantly,
here a whirlpool, there a boil of turbulence, somewhere else an actual visible
tentacle questing above the surface.  "A predator isn't evil because he preys on
those weaker.  It's the first law of nature."
     "Yes...but there IS something different about this predator.  Or these, if there
is more than one.  I will admit that the mammalian concept of 'evil' is a difficult
one to grasp, but--"
     "No.  There is only predator and prey, strength and weakness, hunger and
feeding.  'Good' and 'evil' are illusions created by those with fur in the heads
instead of brains."  The Shark shrugged off the robe that concealed his unhuman
proportions and stepped to the edge of the dock on which he and his teammate stood.
     "You are going to dive here, now?" Stonefish asked.
     "Yes."  The Shark slipped over the edge and into the water and was immediately
lost from sight.
     "He is brave, but foolish."
     Stonefish glanced over his shoulder.  One of the standbys, Barkhotai, the
Ambitious Guard, was watching from two yards away.
     "The Shark is a deadly--"
     "We know the Shark is deadly.  He has no need to prove it to anyone in Zorpunt."
Barkhotai moved closer to the water, circling a little to keep the same distance from
Stonefish.  His eyes were on the pale fin slicing toward the turbulence in the center
of the harbor.
     "The Shark makes his own rules," Stonefish said.
     "He's a fool.  That's a MONSTER out there, he shouldn't be going alone!"
     "Are you offering to HELP the Great White Shark?"
     Barkhotai hesitated, then nodded.
     "You would SWIM in that water, mammal?"
     "I'm not that much of a fool."  The Ambitious Guard crossed to the other side of
the dock and began to climb down a ladder.  "I'll take a rowboat, at least!"

              + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Deep Waters #4 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

Near Tobir:

     It was stupid, and Tomath Woodman, Convincian Hero, knew it.  But men did stupid
things to stop their comrades from laughing at them.  And Jessaro Dra, Mordant
Escapee, had laughed at his tale of a tentacled lake monster that had overturned his
boat.  Dra thought he was drunk or exaggerating, or both.  Well, he was prepared to
admit the charge of drunkenness, at least to a degree.  If he wasn't drunk, he
wouldn't be getting in another boat and rowing back out on the benighted lake, would
he?  Gods, he hoped he wasn't stupid enough to do that when he was sober!
     Jessaro Dra, sitting in the boat facing him, was looking around uneasily.
Woodman figured Dra had to be drunk, too.  They were both drunk.  A fine thing, when
two drunk men rowed out onto the lake at night looking for a monster that he KNEW was
there!  Somebody should have stopped them.  His mind groped for a moment.  The
bartender, maybe?  No, they hadn't been disorderly, he had still been serving them
beer when they called for it.  Arenamaster Vasku?  After all, as standbys, they were
his responsibility.  He visualized Vasku, eyes glowing faintly and an air of rigidly
controlled fury.  Maybe not.  He'd rather risk an unknown lake monster than the
arenamaster's wrath.  Sometimes the demon you knew was worse than anything you could
     "This is just about where I saw it," Woodman said.  "About where I WAS when I
saw it, anyway."
     "And you were probably drunk as a skunk then, just like you are now!" Dra
answered.  "If there was anything at all, which I don't believe, it was probably
     A tentacle rose out of the water beside the boat, twisting back and forth as
though searching for them.  It was ribbon-shaped and two hands broad, like a very
large version of the common lake grassy weed.  But the lakeweed was just a plant, and
this was flexing and twisting in such a MUSCULAR way.
     Woodman could see his companion gaping at the thing, but he did not wait for a
comment.  He worked one oar to spin the boat around and then dug in with both,
heading back for the shore.  Of course, on a dark and stormy night like this, it was
hard to tell which way was "back toward the shore."
     Dra made a choking sound, and Woodman switched his gaze to the direction of his
companion.  And then followed Dra's fixed stare.  There were more of the tentacles,
or ribbons of monster weed or whatever, showing above the surface now.  They were
only visible in this starless night because they were faintly luminous themselves.
Near them was something much brighter, so much so that it dazzled his eyes; after a
moment he decided that it was some kind of flower, more or less globular, white, and
brighter than a full moon.  Woodman recalled tales of carnivorous plants and
shuddered.  He'd never heard of one this big, but seeing had to be believing.
     The rowboat came to a stop.  It felt to him like he'd run into something, not
the shore, a bed of normal lakeweed, maybe.  Fearfully, he glanced over his shoulder.

                                 DUELMASTER'S COLUMN
                             Notes from the arena champ.

     Really, we couldn't have a Duel2Dude named Porn 'Stache!  Too embarrassing, or
something.  Especially given his regular-arena record!  Tell me you have tourney
fights, 'Stache!  Well, maybe not, though, with the highest-ranked warriors below me
being ADEPTS?  Where IS everybody?  Did...did the Monstrous Veggies get you?  (Hmm,
that might make a good team name....)  Well, if the Veggies didn't get folks, what
about the, er, tentacled thing in the lake?  Lots of hazards around here these days!
     A word of advice in closing:  Always take your sword (or whatever) with you when
you go to bathe.  There are strange things in the water lately.


                                      SPY REPORT

     I can't believe the violence in TOBIR!  I still haven't told Mom I'm writing 
Spyreports.  She'd have a cow!  Well, here we go...  Like, THE DOGHOUSE had to be so 
embarrassed when they got kicked off #1 spot by THE DEATH SQUAD!  Way to go THE DEATH 
SQUAD!  Was that a tear I saw in OPUNTIA's eye, as she took over Duelmastership?  And 
wasn't WOOFER fit to be tied!  I hear the top team insists all their warriors get 
nine hours sleep.  They want photogenic fighters for PR photos.   
     So just why would someone becomes a warrior anyway?  It can't be for these 
really neat Spyreports can it?  Can THE DOGHOUSE's ANDILLIA be more popular than me?  
She was challenged the most, but is that really the same?  For sure, I was holding my 
breath when I found out PORN 'STACHE challenged ANDILLIA.  After all, haven't THE 
DEATH SQUAD and THE DOGHOUSE had a long standing duel in TOBIR?  It wasn't a 
spectacular fight, or anything, but ANDILLIA wants me to write about it since she 
lost to PORN 'STACHE.  Satisfied?   
     Man, all these warriors dying and killing each other!  Don't you guys ever give 
it a break?  Fight, fight, fight.  Is that all you guys can do?   
     Remember, blood on a purple robe may stain.  Soak it in cold water, and hand 
wash.  I gotta leave.  TOBIR is like such a dump, and you guys smell too much!  I had 
a fun time, see you later-- Debby Tonte  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 OPUNTIA 3850                  8   1  0    94       PLANTARUM ANDORIA (396)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 WOOFER 4254                  13   7  1    51       THE DOGHOUSE (188)
 PORN 'STACHE 4276             4   5  0    47       THE DEATH SQUAD (63)
-ONOCLEA 3849                  3   2  0    44       PLANTARUM ANDORIA (396)
 ANDILLIA 4255                11   9  0    42       THE DOGHOUSE (188)
-HAMMERIN HANK 4134            3   1  1    34       BLITZKRIEG (421)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 CHICHI-HOOEY 4270             6   7  0    25       THE DOGHOUSE (188)
-TANTRUM 4285                  2   0  1    24       PLAYPEN (435)
 UGLY KID JOE 4286             2   1  0    24       THE DEATH SQUAD (63)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-THE GROPPER 4133              3   2  1    21       BLITZKRIEG (421)
-SMILAX 3852                   2   2  0    20       PLANTARUM ANDORIA (396)
-SIPPYCUP SAM 4280             2   0  0    17       PLAYPEN (435)
-DRIMYS 3841                   2   2  1    14       PLANTARUM ANDORIA (396)
-BINKIE 4298                   1   0  0    13       PLAYPEN (435)
 WRENSAL 4300                  1   1  0    11       THE DOGHOUSE (188)
-PAMPER PACKER 4284            1   1  0     9       PLAYPEN (435)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 BAM BAM 4352                  1   0  0     8       THE DEATH SQUAD (63)
 CRACK BABY 4279               1   3  0     7       THE DEATH SQUAD (63)
 FIONA 4293                    1   0  0     6       TYLER'S TEAM (437)
 TIPPI TURTLE 4351             1   0  0     3       THE DEATH SQUAD (63)
 PUSS N BOOTS 4295             0   1  0     1       TYLER'S TEAM (437)
 WHITE FANG 4353               0   1  0     1       THE DOGHOUSE (188)
 DONKEY 4294                   0   1  0     1       TYLER'S TEAM (437)
 SHREK 4296                    0   1  0     1       TYLER'S TEAM (437)
 SCOOBY-DOO 4297               0   1  0     1       TYLER'S TEAM (437)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD               W  L K TEAM NAME             SLAIN BY             TURN Revenge?
BUTT-HEAD 4287         0  2 0 THE DEATH SQUAD 63    HAMMERIN HANK 4134    522         

                                     PERSONAL ADS

Crack Baby -- I don't know what sick person thought you'd make a good golem, but I
hope he suffers for it.  A full year of morning sickness might be good. -- Chichi-
P.S.  As the saying goes, "You are worthless and weak and do not belong here."  Of
course, I don't know where ELSE you might be/go.  The arena IS the final resort of
the misfits, after all.

Haywood Jab -- Not me, not today. -- Bowser, on his way

I hope that Cheerful Fan is eaten by a Kali Flower.  What an idiot! -- Andillia

Pamper Packer -- Gods, you're a big one, aren't you?  It isn't often I meet a woman
taller than I am.  Wanna go on a date? -- Wrensal, incurable optimist

Kat of Playpen -- You call that thing you sent to the Dark Arena a warrior?  If it's
any indication of what you're going to be sending onto the sands, I hope the Stalking
Killory gets them all. -- Arenamaster Vasku
P.S.  Well, all right.  Better even such as that pathetic thing you got rid of than
nothing at all.
P.P.S.  Welcome to Tobir.

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

PORN 'STACHE devastated ANDILLIA in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge fight.
UGLY KID JOE vanquished CHICHI-HOOEY in a 1 minute uneven Challenge battle.
WOOFER was demolished by OPUNTIA in a 1 minute uneven Title fight.
CRACK BABY unbelievably bested PUSS N BOOTS in a 4 minute gory novice's contest.
WRENSAL demolished SHREK in a 1 minute mismatched competition.
DONKEY was viciously subdued by BAM BAM in a exciting 3 minute bloody amateur's fight.
SCOOBY-DOO was overcome by TIPPI TURTLE in a dull 5 minute beginner's fight.
FIONA won victory over WHITE FANG in a 2 minute beginner's duel.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|WALL OF STEEL                    4         PARRY-LUNGE        5 -   1 -  1      83  |
|AIMED BLOW                       3         TOTAL PARRY        9 -   6 -  0      60  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    3         LUNGING ATTACK    15 -  10 -  0      60  |
|TOTAL PARRY                      3         WALL OF STEEL      9 -   7 -  1      56  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                  2         STRIKING ATTACK   10 -   9 -  0      53  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   1         BASHING ATTACK     4 -   4 -  1      50  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      0         PARRY-RIPOSTE     10 -  11 -  0      48  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     0         AIMED BLOW         8 -  10 -  0      44  |
|LUNGING ATTACK                   0         SLASHING ATTACK    1 -   2 -  0      33  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                  0         PARRY-STRIKE       0 -   1 -  0       0  |

Turn 523 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

BASHING ATTACK     1 -  0     PARRY-RIPOSTE      1 -  2         3  WALL OF STEEL  
AIMED BLOW         2 -  1     TOTAL PARRY        1 -  2         3  PARRY-RIPOSTE  
SLASHING ATTACK    1 -  1     PARRY-LUNGE        0 -  0         2  AIMED BLOW     
WALL OF STEEL      2 -  2     PARRY-STRIKE       0 -  0         1  LUNGING ATTACK 
                              LUNGING ATTACK     0 -  0         1  BASHING ATTACK 
                              STRIKING ATTACK    0 -  0         1  STRIKING ATTACK

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
WALL OF STEEL    OPUNTIA 3850                8   1  0   94 PLANTARUM ANDORIA (396)
PARRY-RIPOSTE    WOOFER 4254                13   7  1   51 THE DOGHOUSE (188)
AIMED BLOW       ANDILLIA 4255              11   9  0   42 THE DOGHOUSE (188)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is CHICHI-HOOEY 4270.  The most popular warrior this 
turn was BAM BAM 4352.  The ten other most popular fighters were PUSS N BOOTS 4295, 
WRENSAL 4300, DONKEY 4294, ANDILLIA 4255, and CHICHI-HOOEY 4270.

The least popular fighter this week was TIPPI TURTLE 4351.  The other ten least 
popular fighters were SCOOBY-DOO 4297, SHREK 4296, CRACK BABY 4279, WOOFER 4254, 
CHICHI-HOOEY 4270, ANDILLIA 4255, DONKEY 4294, WRENSAL 4300, PORN 'STACHE 4276, and