Date   : 08/27/2003    Duedate: 09/09/2003


DM-22    TURN-463

This Weeks Top Honors


(22-6012) [12-2-0,120]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

KELLUMBO'S KIDS (676)          DUNCES UNITED (687)
(22-6012) [12-2-0,120]         (22-6061) [2-2-1,23]

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

MORGAN                         BEAR MARKET
(22-5915) [12-12-1,88]         (22-6010) [6-8-1,62]



Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. THE ZOO (205)               51
2. THE DEMOCRATS (202)         42      KELLUMBO'S KIDS (676)
3. ROCK ETTS (595)             23      Unchartered Team
4. OLD MCDONALD (621)          16
5. THE REPUBLICANS (103)       14      DUNCES UNITED (687)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 1 KELLUMBO'S KIDS (676)     54  30  2 64.3   1/ 1 KELLUMBO'S KIDS (676)    11  4 0
 2/ 2 ROCK ETTS (595)          393 265  7 59.7   2/ 3 THE DEMOCRATS (202)      10  5 1
 3/ 3 SERPENTINE INC. (85)     108  89  5 54.8   3/ 4 THE REPUBLICANS (103)    10  5 0
 4/ 6 THE REPUBLICANS (103)    290 267 22 52.1   4/ 2 SERPENTINE INC. (85)      9  5 0
 5/ 4 WOMEN OF REALITY (669)    89  83  2 51.7   5/ 5 ANDORIAN WIMPS (651)      9  5 0
 6/ 5 ANDORIAN WIMPS (651)      37  35  1 51.4   6/10 THE ZOO (205)             5  9 0
 7/ 8 THE DEMOCRATS (202)       84  83  7 50.3   7/ 6*DUNCES UNITED (687)       5 10 0
 8/ 7 OLD MCDONALD (621)       252 255 12 49.7   8/ 9 OLD MCDONALD (621)        4  6 0
 9/ 9 THE ZOO (205)            312 401  4 43.8   9/ 7 WOMEN OF REALITY (669)    4 10 0
10/10*DUNCES UNITED (687)        7  13  2 35.0  10/ 8 ROCK ETTS (595)           3  7 0
11-11*MORFS (534)                0   1  0  0.0  11-11*MORFS (534)               0  1 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                    TEAM SPOTLIGHT

        + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Aruaki Clanhold #118 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +


     Daisy January rose from the sand where she had knelt by the waterside and
frowned.  "The Trier is FRESH water.  It's always been fresh water."
     "It was fresh water yesterday," Karanjal from Zorpunt agreed.  "But today...."
He shrugged.  "Today there are a lot of dead fish."
     "Because they're fresh water fish, and today the water is salt.  But it doesn't
make SENSE."
     Their manager, Leeta, glanced up from the beach that she was studying.  "It's
Chaos," she said flatly.  She pointed to a line of driftwood and dead fish well up
the beach.  "It's not only salt water today, there are tides."
     "The Trier has tides!" Karanjal protested.
     "A foot at the most."  Leeta shrugged.  "The waves would never come that far up
the beach normally, not without a big storm.  And we haven't had a storm.  So...."
     After a moment's contemplation, Daisy January said, "I don't like it.  It'
     "It isn't the worst that could be happening, either," the Zorpunti pointed out.
"Look at Point...or Ti.  Or look at where Ti used to be, anyway."
     "A sudden disaster such as devastated Point and presumably removed Ti is not the
same as something more, well, subtle and insidious.  Changing the Trier from fresh
water to salt is subtle and insidious," Daisy argued.
     Leeta raised an eyebrow.  "You'd rather have a sudden disaster?"
     "Gods, woman!" Karanjal protested, "don't SAY things like that!  What if
Somebody is listening?"
     "Somebody was!" Leeta said abruptly.  "Get off the beach!"  She grabbed each of
her gladiators by an arm and headed inland at a run.
     Daisy twisted to look over her shoulder.  A wave had risen out on the surface of
the Trier.  It wasn't possible to say how tall it was, there was nothing out there to
measure it against, but it was the biggest wave she had ever seen, and it was moving
toward them.  She thought she glimpsed faces--  Her foot caught on a tangle of grass
as Leeta dragged her off the beach, and she stumbled.
     Leeta hauled her back to her feet, and Karanjal grabbed her other arm.  "Run!"
                       ***     *****     ***     *****     ***
     The destruction had been concentrated along the shore and the harbor.  Ships had
been lifted like toys and smashed against the docks.  Warehouses had their front
walls battered in, and many had collapsed.  The streets were an impassable tangle of 
     "Who could hate Tobir this much?" Daisy asked, looking around.  The mess was so
vast, it was hard to imagine where to start cleaning up.
     "It was a natural disaster, and natural disasters aren't about hate, they're
just chance." Karanjal pointed out.  He couldn't stop himself from adding, "Like you
asked for."
     "I'm not sure it was natural," she said.  "I saw faces in the wave--"
     "No, I saw them.  And it made me think about Point and Iaye."  She glanced
around uneasily.
     "The rumors are that Point and Iaye were attacked by ghosts from Krael,"
Karanjal said.  "What has Tobir done to anger Krael?  Krael was gone before Tobir was
ever founded!"  He selected a deposit of rubble on the edge of the zone of
destruction and began to pull it apart, stacking the lumber to one side.  Elsewhere
along what had been Tobir's waterfront, other people were doing the same.
     "What did Ti do to anger Krael?" Daisy asked.  She grabbed the other end of a
beam and helped him drag it clear.  "I can see linking the destruction here to Point,
because of the faces in the wave, but Ti wasn't destroyed, it was just gone."
     "You think it's likelier there are TWO forces destroying towns along this coast?
At the same time, mind you."
     "Ah...good point."  She took a small board and used it to scrape pieces of
broken glass into a pile out of the way.  "So what do we do about it?"
     "Investigate Krael, I suppose."  Karanjal squinted out across the harbor.
"Notice the smell?"
     "Notice?  How can I NOT notice?"
     "Do you notice that it's fresh water again?"
     "What?  Demnat's teeth and whiskers!  It makes me dizzy just thinking about it."
Daisy squinted at him.  "Don't change the subject, Kar.  How do we investigate Krael?
It drowned centuries ago."
     He shrugged.  "We're Lord Protectors.  We've got friends, resources, contacts we
haven't tried to use yet.  We'd better start using 'em, though.  Who knows how far
the destruction might spread?  Down to Ardivent, maybe to Osksi and beyond?  Up to
Amen-Tei?  We've got to have information, and fast, before the whole west coast of
Alastari is wiped out."

The Isle of Kordos:

     Gelleran frowned at Belana, plainly worried by her talk of places that, so far
as he knew, didn't exist.  "The witch's attack must have, um, distorted your
memories," he suggested finally.  "In truth, there is no Valamantis anywhere within
the circles of the world.  Though why the witch would take the trouble to plant such
an idea in your mind I cannot imagine."  Since she would not accept a hug from him,
he took her hand, and even that he did as though he expected to be repulsed.  "Come,
my dearest."
     Belana felt a twinge of remorse.  The Gelleran of this world, whatever world it
was, obviously had a much closer relationship with the...the Belana of this world.
It seemed hard on him, but she just couldn't push herself to act as though SHE was
the one betrothed to this man.  "Where are we going?"
     "To my palace, of course.  My court physician, Adelora Markion, may be able to
help you."  He hesitated.  "If you will permit that?"  He led her gently out of the
ruin and up toward the trees.  "She is a priestess of the Healing Light, and I
thought...you seemed quite comfortable with her."
     Belana blinked.  A priestess healer named Adelora?  Yes, she wanted very much to
meet that woman!  As they passed into the blessed shadow of the trees, she noted that
Gelleran drew his sword.  Her hand went to her waist automatically, even though she
knew her sword had vanished along with Alastari.  "Is there danger?"
     "There may be," he answered, looking alertly from side to side.  "We found a
boat drawn up on the beach around the point," a half-gesture indicated the rocky
point to the west of where Belana awakened.  "It might have been fishermen seeking
shelter from last night's storm...except that there is no one to be found around
there, and fishermen wouldn't go far from their boat.  I fear it is more likely
minions of the Gray Witch have landed on Kordos, and I will take no risks where you
are concerned!"

           + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Andorians Abroad #13 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

Sailing to Skaithvarn:

     One of the crewmen had climbed to the very top of the mast and was examining the
horizons with a spyglass.  "Land ahead!" he reported.  "Looks like the Volarbyn
     At Raoul's questioning glance, Goff said, "Highlands just north of Istoreth."
     "Ship coming from the north," the lookout added.  "I don't recognize her
shape...."  He continued to stare northward through the spyglass.
     "And that's the flip side of the problem with getting lost from our world," Goff
said as he headed for the steering area.  "Somebody getting lost from the Other Side,
wherever that is.  Sometimes they act like pirates.  We may have a fight on our
     Raoul, who had fought in Aruak City as In Gerfel We Trust, rubbed one hand down
the scabbard of his sword and nodded.  A fight was something he understood, not like
this skipping in and out of alien dimensions.  He could handle a fight, and would.
     The two ships were close enough together now that he could see details even from
the deck.  They were seeing it head on, so there was no way to tell how long the
other ship was.  But it looked blocky, and the sail was tall and rectangular and
seemed to have horizontal ribs; there was a bearded face with staring eyes painted on
the parchment-colored sail in red and black.  Definitely not something familiar.  He
could just make out some figures near the rail, and if they were men, it meant the
ship was big, really big.
     After a moment, Goff handed him the spyglass.  "Take a look and tell me what you
make of that."
     Raoul wiped his face with his silk handkerchief, refolded it carefully, and put
it back in his pocket.  Then he accepted the telescope and squinted through it.
Details leaped into prominence.  Several people--they did appear to be men, so far as
he could tell--were scurrying around on the deck of the other ship.  He could see the
gleam of sunlight on steel, as though a couple of the men were armed with cutlasses,
but otherwise they looked like ordinary sailors.  More or less.  One man was studying
the Iayan ship through a spyglass.
     "Doesn't look like a warship," Raoul said after a moment.  "Looks like a big-
bellied merchant, in fact.  But I reckon they'll fight if they think they need to."
     Goff nodded, looking gloomy.  "Same like us, except we're not a heavy cargo
ship."  He sighed.  "Let's hope it doesn't come to fighting."
     They watched for several minutes while the strange ship drew steadily closer.
Men were working to lower the sail, or perhaps to change the angle, it was hard to be
sure, since nothing seemed to be happening.  There wasn't enough wind to make much
difference.  Goff's own crew was also working with their sails in an effort to keep
the two vessels from coming together.  As matters looked now, Raoul judged that they
wouldn't collide, but only barely.
     The merchantman glided near them.  A man by the rail waved his arms and called
out something in an unfamiliar language.
     Goff mimed confusion and shouted back, "I don't know where you want to go, but
you're in the wrong world."  He pointed to the tree-fringed headland visible to the
west.  "Skaithvarn!"
     The most elaborately dressed man on the other deck gestured confusion and turned
to one of his companions as the ships passed beyond closest approach.
     Raoul watched it drift away.  "What will happen to them?" he asked.
     "If they're lucky, they'll go through another thin spot between worlds and end
up back home.  If not..." Goff shrugged.  "If they have a good cargo, they'll sell it
wherever they can and adapt to new ways, make a new home for themselves.  There's
nothing we can do for them."
     "I suppose so."  Raoul squinted at the shore.  "I suppose what we need to be
doing is thinking about Istoreth, who we want to talk to and what we want to say."
     "It will be a delicate issue," Berdan said behind him.
     Raoul didn't jump, but if he'd had less self-control, he might have done.  The
former assassin could move as silently as a cloud when he wanted to.  "Why?"  He
figured he knew, but wanted the Fratsfan's angle.
     "We need to find Peranis and recover the Black Book without making it sound so
important that someone local decides THEY want it.  If Peranis hasn't already sold
it, of course.  And if he has sold it to one of the Lords of Istoreth--"
     "An even bigger problem," Raoul agreed.

                                 DUELMASTER'S COLUMN
                             Notes from the arena champ.

     Looks like I've finally found a home.  Hail and well met, Solven.  It is I,
Homeless Prince, with your Duelmasters Column.  First off, thanks to Sue for helping
me out with the points to put me on top.  I know you all saw what she had to say:
     "Ad EX Rip, Ad Master Atk, Master Def...."  You all saw what it got her.  A good
kick in the head.  Fight wasn't even close.  Keep that in mind when all you
Challenger Champs start filling in those challenges.  Just so you know, my "if
challenged" strategy will be aiming vitals with a 10 kill desire, so challenge at
your own risk.
     Speaking of challenges, this weeks challenge goes out to...drumroll please....
***Toys***!  Why Toys, you ask?  I'll tell ya why.  If I win, great, if not, I can
think of nothing cooler than a basher with 5 kills on top of the arena.  You will
notice I said 5 kills and not 6 there, Toys.
     As for this weeks avoids, well, that was pretty easy.  One avoid goes out to
Wimpy's crew, simply because Pishtush put that harsh loss on me a turn or two back.
Not to mention that if I can help it, neither Judge or Wimpy will get a shot at the
throne as long as I can avoid them.  So, the other avoid goes out to Judge, right?
Nope, I don't think either one of Judge's guys could beat me, plus I don't think
Judge has the rocks to send a challenge out this way, so the other avoid goes out to
Serpentine Inc.  There's just something about Monty Python and Snake in the Grass
that worries me, so I'll stay away from those two for a while.
     Speaking of the ever lovin' Judge.  For all the slamming Kellumbo does on him,
Kellumbo really does like the guy.  You know kinda how you had that little snot-
nosed, zit-faced little brother who would pee himself and think it was funny that you
picked on as a kid?  That's right.  You picked on him but you loved him all the same.
That's kinda how Kellumbo sees Judge.
     Well, Solven, looks like it is time for me to sign off for now.  Thanks to all
the great managers and teams that make this a fantastic arena to fight in.  Wimpy,
Judge, Al Gore, The Zoo, and the Rock Etts, you all make this a great arena.  Looking
forward to having this little fireside chat with you all next turn.

-- Homeless Prince

                                      SPY REPORT

     Like the magnificent Sun, rising upon the Dawn and exiling the Night for a Day, 
I, Novgorodny Vir, return once again!  What's a move up by 4 you ask?  (alright, 
maybe you didn't ask)  Cause for celebration, according to THE ZOO.  Good things come 
to those who fight well, as THE DEMOCRATS can attest, moving up by 1.  Practice pays 
for TWO PLUS TWO, who pummelled JUSTICE, to pocket 19 points.  Win some, lose some.  
Speaking of which, TURKEY JOE was winsome, after beating MAXIMUS and seeing it lose 
11 points.  Well, Duelmaster HOMELESS PRINCE TV challenged OLD MCDONALD's TOYS.  Is a 
11-2-0 good enough?  HOMELESS PRINCE successfully staved off a grab for the roses by 
TOYS of OLD MCDONALD.  Does SOLVEN have no one talented enough to dethrone him?  Word 
has it one team in SOLVEN is using psychics to predict wins.  They lead a charmed 
     And how sociable are SOLVEN's warriors?  Come, let us see.  Like a horde of 
jackals fleeing from the lion, so did the "warriors" in SOLVEN avoid KELLUMBO'S KIDS. 
Like a pup with its tail between its legs, THE REPUBLICANS scurried away from 
KELLUMBO'S KIDS.  Oh, the shame!  Everyone is famous for fifteen minutes, and 
INARINDA is it right now.  Most challenged warrior.  Isn't THE ZOO proud!  As a 
confidence booster, SNAKE IN THE GRASS challenged BISCUIT, down 19 points.  Do you 
also slay vicious rodents in your spare time, SNAKE IN THE GRASS?  SNAKE IN THE GRASS 
won victory over BISCUIT.  The whole thing leaves a bitter memory.  Take heed SOLVEN, 
of the unprincipled action of ROBERT BYRD.  By challenging BLIND BOY, 18 points below 
him, ROBERT BYRD besmirches the noble art of dueling.  Warriors of SOLVEN!  Do you 
wish your reputations tainted by the base challenge of ROBERT BYRD?  Them's the 
breaks, BARB.  Expecting fair challenges from KELLUMBO'S KIDS is evidently too much 
to ask.  BLIND GIRL bested BARB with a point difference of 18.  So this is what 
SOLVEN calls a duel.  This will make an interesting tale.   
     The moving sword slashes, and having slashed, moves on...  Q:  What's a record 
like 18-21-0 get you?  A:  A free trip to the Dark Arena!  This week's winner:  BIG 
MAC of OLD MCDONALD!  Oh hard!  that to strike a flame, the match itself must needs 
be wasting!   
     Do not think spyreporting in SOLVEN is the highlight of my life.  Keep those 
sands bloody and the buzzards fat!  SOLVEN, I leave you now.  The Duelmaster has 
agreed to foot my bill at The Victory Tavern.  'Til next time-- Novgorodny Vir  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 HOMELESS PRINCE 6012         12   2  0   120       KELLUMBO'S KIDS (676)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 HOW--LITE 5635               21  13  1   112       ROCK ETTS (595)
 GUANTANAMO BAY 5826          19  18  0   111       THE REPUBLICANS (103)
 PISHTUSH 5651                13   2  0   105       ANDORIAN WIMPS (651)
 SNAKE IN THE GRASS 5952      13   3  0   103       SERPENTINE INC. (85)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 TWO PLUS TWO 5910            13   7  1    93       OLD MCDONALD (621)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 JFK 1660                     16  17  1    90       THE DEMOCRATS (202)
 MONTY PYTHON 5939            13   6  0    90       SERPENTINE INC. (85)
 TOYS 5679                    19  22  5    89       OLD MCDONALD (621)
 MORGAN 5915                  12  12  1    88       WOMEN OF REALITY (669)
 TURKEY JOE 5825              15  26  0    86       THE ZOO (205)
 WOF-A-MIT 5639               17  16  0    85       ROCK ETTS (595)
 JUSTICE 5949                 13   6  0    83       THE REPUBLICANS (103)
 GARY CONDIT 5914             12  14  1    80       THE DEMOCRATS (202)
 BISCUIT 5678                 19  21  0    78       OLD MCDONALD (621)
 JUDITH 5832                  18  17  0    77       WOMEN OF REALITY (669)
 DARKLE 5709                   8   2  0    76       ANDORIAN WIMPS (651)
 LEE 5831                     13  22  0    70       WOMEN OF REALITY (669)
 SKEEMER 5965                 12   5  0    68       KELLUMBO'S KIDS (676)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 BEAR MARKET 6010              6   8  1    62       THE DEMOCRATS (202)
 KANGAROO KATE 5900           13  21  1    61       THE ZOO (205)
 ROBERT BYRD 6039              5   3  0    60       THE DEMOCRATS (202)
 FLAT TAX 5998                 8   7  0    59       THE REPUBLICANS (103)
 MAXIMUS 5966                 14   3  2    58       KELLUMBO'S KIDS (676)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 HISS 6017                     9   1  0    54       SERPENTINE INC. (85)
 PLATINUM 5677                 9  18  1    50       ROCK ETTS (595)
 INARINDA 5913                 7  20  1    42       THE ZOO (205)
 RUMSFELD 6032                 3   6  0    40       THE REPUBLICANS (103)
 MACRIBSI 6024                 6   2  0    36       OLD MCDONALD (621)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 BLIND GIRL 6041               6   1  0    32       KELLUMBO'S KIDS (676)
 BLIND BOY 6042                5   2  0    31       KELLUMBO'S KIDS (676)
 KLUTZ 5654                    6   8  0    30       ANDORIAN WIMPS (651)
 DIDILY SQUAT 6066             2   1  0    28       ANDORIAN WIMPS (651)
 VILMA 6040                    3   5  0    25       THE ZOO (205)
 SCHWARZENEGGER 6050           3   3  0    25       THE REPUBLICANS (103)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SIMPLISSITUS 6061             2   2  1    23       DUNCES UNITED (687)
 BARB 6060                     2   2  0    16       WOMEN OF REALITY (669)
 ZELORA 6068                   1   1  0    16       THE ZOO (205)
 DEMENTIA 6067                 2   1  0    15       DUNCES UNITED (687)
 NANCY PELOSI 6076             1   0  0    12       THE DEMOCRATS (202)
 NONSENTIA 6062                1   3  1     7       DUNCES UNITED (687)
 IDIOCIUS 6064                 1   3  0     6       DUNCES UNITED (687)
 TOADY 6049                    1   3  0     6       ANDORIAN WIMPS (651)
 VENOM 6059                    1   2  0     5       SERPENTINE INC. (85)
 DORKUS MAJORUS 6074           1   1  0     4       DUNCES UNITED (687)
-SANDSTONE 6056                1   0  0     4       ROCK ETTS (595)
-MEL 4627                      0   1  0     1       MORFS (534)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD               W  L K TEAM NAME             SLAIN BY             TURN Revenge?
ZOOK 6057              0  2 0 ANDORIAN WIMPS 651    SIMPLISSITUS 6061     460 JUST REV
BIG MAC 5698          18 22 0 OLD MCDONALD 621      BANDIT PRINCE 408     463 NONE    

                                     PERSONAL ADS

Sue -- So much for that "master defense" huh? -- Homeless Prince

Women of Reality -- That's what you get now, 0-2 on the challenge front, as well as a
random match up loss to boot.  That'll learn ya to keep your challenges to yourself.
-- Detective Kellumbo

     If you keep your challenges to yourself, they don't do much good then either. --
     Ed., just trying to keep stuff straight

Platinum -- Man, that was one ugly fight, wasn't it? -- Skeemer

Judge -- Congrats on the 5-0 turn.  After all the lousy ones lately, this one must
have felt good.  See what happens when you avoid my team.... -- DK

Al -- You are officially in charge of making laugh out loud each turn.  You're a
funny guy, keep it up! -- DK

Schwarzeneggar -- I would like to get recalled so I have yet another chance at
killing you. -- Blind Boy

Kellumbo -- Hearty congratulations on both your wonderful record and Homeless
Prince's rise to DM.  A great job of managing.  I hope that Pishtush can get his
challenge through to the Homeless one so he can kick his rear end again.  Good luck.
-- Wimpy

Bear Market -- I love how you teach.  Wow!  Five(5) skills.  Thank you.  Oh, I liked
my win also. -- Darkle

Macribsi -- As a representative of your style do you know what you are worth?  Read
my name. -- Didily Squat

Robert Byrd -- How can anyone as clumsy as I beat an experienced old bird like you?
No one can trade attacks and parries with you and come out ahead.  In fact I bet
there is no way anyone can trade anything with you and come out ahead. -- Klutz

Morgan -- Normally I would be concerned when challenged by someone of your style.  In
your case all I can say is:  "Come back anytime." -- Pishtush

Simplissitus -- You are just a bit quicker than I.  Wimpy says he will send someone
else for the final bloodfeud. -- Toady

Hiss -- That's a peculiar speech impediment you have there.  Maybe you should have a
little dental work done, to make speaking easier? -- Inarinda

Venom -- What a poisonous thing to do! -- Vilma
P.S.  Any relation to the Concubine?

Judith -- So I'm inhibited.  So sue me. -- Turkey Joe

Big Mac -- I can never manage one of those, and yet I keep trying.... -- Kangaroo

Idiocius -- Is that your excuse for not teaching me anything? -- Zelora the

Skeemer -- Get some glasses, "old boy."  And that's Ms. Inarinda to you.

Klutz -- Well done, but you should have kept Toady out of it. -- Simp

Blind Girl -- Downchallenging 1...9...7--hold on while I take off my shoes--well, a
whole lot--shall not be forgotten, nor go unpunished. -- Nonsentia

Wimpy -- Maybe I should be on your team.  Would you take a dunce who is also a wimp?
-- Idiocius

DK -- Thanks. -- Al Gore

Inarinda -- I'm confused.  Cats hungry?  We should do something about cruelty to
animals...what are we talking about?  What am I doing here?  Help!  I'm lost. --
Robert Byrd

Flat Tax -- I'm glad you liked it.  When am I gonna get "it"?  You should know by now
how I like it. -- DM

Take that, you murderous Spymaster!  That's for all the crimes you committed. --

Darkle -- Good fight!  We should do it again. -- Al Gore

Klutz -- Thanks for the skills. -- Al Gore

2 Plus 2 -- At least I broke your shield.  Ha, take that. -- Al Gore

Gary Condit -- How did that feel?  I have a prison cell waitin for you in Cuba. --
Guantanamo Bay

Kellumbo -- There, we went 5-0 last cycle.  Now you can stop commenting on our turn-
by-turn record. -- The Republicans

Sue -- Nice stats, and congratulations on your graduation. -- Judge, mgr. of The

Clinton -- I guess we should congratulate you too--but we still think you should be
impeached. -- The Republicans
P.S.  Since you were so nice in your DM Column, we will give you our congrats, even
though you are a "scum."

29 July 2003
           *     *     *     *The Third Annual Turf War*     *     *     *
     Yes, it's time again for alliances to go to war!  TW3 will be held in DM 47
(North Fork) at a date to be  specified later--right after Crip's Incomprehensible
Contest is over...but I'm sure everyone wants to get their teams there soon!  Here
are the rules:

1.  Each alliance must have a leader declare the arrival of his alliance.  The leader
    will be responsible for verifying any and all teams/managers who declare to the
    alliance he/she is leading.
2.  Each manager, team declaring for the contest must have approval of the leader,
    donate one Roll-up Certificate ($5) to the prize pot (send it to me by diplo, by
    snail, or a note to customer service), and declare his/her team by diplo, p-ad or
3.  Each team may declare one warrior as champion.  All points scored by a champ are
4.  Prizes are as follows (mostly...there WILL be some things added as the prize pot
    grows with entry donations--this list is not final!)
    *  Highest scoring alliance -- Rename Arena 47 for a period of 6 months, one half
       of the total prize pot donated; roll-up certs.
    *  The Alliance with the most returns from the DA will get to re-name the DA
       monsters for a period of 6 months.
    *  The alliance with the most warriors listed as style masters will get to pick
       the Alastari city/arena to host the next Grand Tournament.
    *  The warrior with the most front page honors/awards will have the Arenamaster
       named after him for a period of 6 months.
    *  The Alliance with the most front page Honors/Awards will have the honor of
        picking the *slow* arena to host the Fifth Annual Turf War.
    *  The team with the most listings as Style Master will find out the favorites of
       one of their warriors.
    *  The warrior with the most listings as Style Master will fight at my expense
       for five turns (I will transfer to the manager's account).
    *  The Alliance with the most kills will be able to re-name the stand-in warriors
       for a period of 6 months.
    *  The warrior that scores the most total points will fight at my expense for 5
       turns (I will transfer $7.50 to the manager's account).
    *  The team that scores the most total points will receive an extra share of
       roll-up certs from the prize pot.
     There may be more categories to come, and the prize pot still has to be
divided...I'm open to category/prize ideas--and further donations to the prize pot.
     The contest will run for *TEN* turns; prizes will be awarded at the end of the
11th turn.
     Scoring will be as follows:
* 5 points per fight, doubled for each of the following conditions met:
     -- Two Alliance     -- Champion
     -- Challenge        -- Two Champions
     -- Bloodfeud        -- Challenger losing
     -- Kill
     (Note:  DA losses are exempt, but DA wins will be *tripled*!!!  Ex:  Happy
Slasher goes to the DA and dies, no points are lost.  If he wins, his team scores 60
points!  If he was a champ, he scores 120 points!)
     Use the following chart to calculate scores:
Conditions Met:       0     1     2     3     4     5     6     7
Points Per Fight:     5    10    20    40    80   160   320   640
* Awards/Honors and Style Masters will each be awarded points also.  Find the total
number of each (do note add Awards and Style Masters together) and consult the graph
below.  Champs that score an award or style master count as two.
     1 --   5      7 --  320
     2 --  10      8 --  640
     3 --  20      9 -- 1280
     4 --  40     10 -- 2560
     5 --  80     11 -- 5280
     6 -- 100     (x2 for each extra)
Note -- These categories *count as "triple"*--they will be figured for each team,
*AND* again for each alliance *as well as* for each warrior!
*  Each and every mention in the Spy Report is worth 5 points...period.
*  TVs will be scored on the same scale as Awards/Style Masters, but the total points
will be x10.  TC's will be scored as TV's, but x10 more.
Number of TV/TC's          Points Scored (TV/TC)
     1      50/ 500
     2     100/1000
     3     200/2000
     4     400/4000
     +     x2/ x2 (for each extra)
     Each alliance will start with 5000 points, scores for *fights* will be added to
the winner's total *AND* deducted from the losers.
     Come  one and all, defend your turf and the honor of your alliance...or your
                    Asmo Dius, TCB
                    Arenas, DM 47, DM 73

1 August 2003
     Assurnasirbanipal invites you to Talcama to participate in the third BATTLE
ROYAL contest.  It is a Delarquan contest so brutal that even some of Talcama's most
notable managers will refuse to participate.  The rules are simpler than any other
contest:  You may not avoid any other contest team.  There are no silly rules for who
can and can't compete.  Any team in Talcama is eligible to compete.  The scoring is
also quite simple (+1 for a win, +1 for a kill (+1 for the win), -1 for a loss) and
the first team to reach 25 points is the winner.
     Scoring will be live--the results for the turn posted in the newsletter.  The
winner will be able to fight their contest team in Talcama for free for 6 months but
more importantly will win a contest against some of the best managers who play the
game in one of the hardest contests in the game.
     First turn for BATTLE ROYAL 3 is Talcama Turn 465, which is due August 30.

19 August 2003
     Citizens of Ghea (only the ignorant fail to note Lirith Kai is not in Alastari),
no new day is rising, but the sun is setting on just another beautiful evening.
While you were sleeping, an irksome rabble has entered the always fair Aruak City.
Of course they fought alongside our warriors, most not so treasured, as all
gladiators do.  They drank with themselves, and slept with themselves.  Whether they
had masks, who cares.
     Warriors, don't be afraid.  For years Aruak has been one of the safest cities in
Ghea, and that custom has been continually cultivated, and will continue to be by
those who have called it home for years and those who live, fight, and die by the
same ethics.  There is no contest, nor has there ever needed to be one for many
years.  A conflict of personalities has arisen, and the city has been 'invaded' by
     Any rules that are annouced will be purely for the joy of the lemmings' own
little world.  Those who are being targeted have no interest in participating except
to defend the integrity of an arena that is different from others.  Whether you
choose to come to Aruak, do it for your own reasons, not theirs.
    Competing in Aruak City has never been for the faint of heart or the weak willed.
Combat is combat, wherever you go.  Blood will flow as always, and now many innocents
will be caught in the middle, but those who defend Aruak's traditions never target
those who bring respect of Aruaki customs with them to our home.
    So ignore the private ranting announcement brought by the stuporous
Frothingsloshers.  If you choose Aruak City, do not choose it for an unsanctioned and
bogus 'contest', choose it for the tradition.  Choose it because Aruak is different.

Defenders of Aruak

25 August 2003
To any that care -- The CDC is back; our current roster is:
     Malaquar -- Minion of Guardian
     Pip the Troll -- Burly Enforcer Type
     mouse -- Official Sneaky Bastard
     Papa Bear -- Elder Statesmen
                     The Sealer says, "Hi, I'm the dealer."
                     Papa Bear says, "It's not my f****n fault."
Guardian -- Paper Figurehead

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

BIG MAC was butchered by BANDIT PRINCE in a 2 minute bloody Dark Arena fight.
DARKLE vanquished SIMPLISSITUS in a 1 minute uneven Bloodfeud battle.
HOMELESS PRINCE demolished TOYS in a 1 minute uneven Challenge Title fight.
HISS viciously subdued PLATINUM in a 3 minute gory Challenge contest.
SNAKE IN THE GRASS overpowered BISCUIT in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge match.
MORGAN was devastated by GUANTANAMO BAY in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
MAXIMUS was devastated by TURKEY JOE in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge competition.
JFK vanquished JUDITH in a popular 1 minute uneven Challenge duel.
BEAR MARKET lost to LEE in a popular 3 minute Challenge duel.
ROBERT BYRD overpowered BLIND BOY in a 1 minute uneven Challenge match.
MACRIBSI outlasted DIDILY SQUAT in a 9 minute veteran vs. novice Challenge fight.
KLUTZ was unbelievably bested by INARINDA in a exciting 1 minute Challenge contest.
BLIND GIRL bested BARB in a crowd pleasing 5 minute Challenge bout.
NONSENTIA was handily defeated by SCHWARZENEGGER in a 1 minute uneven Challenge fight.
VENOM was overpowered by VILMA in a 2 minute gruesome uneven Challenge struggle.
PISHTUSH beat WOF-A-MIT in a crowd pleasing 3 minute master's brawl.
JUSTICE was savagely defeated by TWO PLUS TWO in a exciting 7 minute veteran's bout.
HOW--LITE overpowered MONTY PYTHON in a 1 minute mismatched fight.
GARY CONDIT devastated KANGAROO KATE in a popular 1 minute one-sided contest.
SKEEMER vanquished RUMSFELD in a 2 minute one-sided match.
FLAT TAX handily defeated HAPPY PEASANT in a 1 minute uneven duel.
TOADY was devastated by DEMENTIA in a 1 minute one-sided bout.
IDIOCIUS was overpowered by ZELORA in a 1 minute uneven fight.
DORKUS MAJORUS was narrowly defeated by NANCY PELOSI in a 2 minute beginner's fight.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|LUNGING ATTACK                  10         TOTAL PARRY       45 -  26 -  3      63  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      7         STRIKING ATTACK   36 -  25 -  1      59  |
|TOTAL PARRY                      6         PARRY-STRIKE      10 -   7 -  0      59  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   6         LUNGING ATTACK    36 -  26 -  1      58  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                  5         PARRY-RIPOSTE     10 -   8 -  0      56  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    3         AIMED BLOW        16 -  14 -  0      53  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                  3         WALL OF STEEL     17 -  18 -  0      49  |
|WALL OF STEEL                    3         BASHING ATTACK    25 -  29 -  4      46  |
|AIMED BLOW                       2         PARRY-LUNGE       22 -  34 -  1      39  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     1         SLASHING ATTACK   11 -  24 -  1      31  |

Turn 463 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

TOTAL PARRY        5 -  1     STRIKING ATTACK    2 -  3         3  STRIKING ATTACK
PARRY-RIPOSTE      2 -  1     BASHING ATTACK     2 -  4         2  SLASHING ATTACK
SLASHING ATTACK    2 -  1     PARRY-LUNGE        2 -  5         2  TOTAL PARRY    
WALL OF STEEL      2 -  1     AIMED BLOW         0 -  2         2  BASHING ATTACK 
LUNGING ATTACK     6 -  4     PARRY-STRIKE       0 -  1         1  LUNGING ATTACK 
                                                                1  PARRY-RIPOSTE  

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
SLASHING ATTACK  HOW--LITE 5635             21  13  1  112 ROCK ETTS (595)
TOTAL PARRY      PISHTUSH 5651              13   2  0  105 ANDORIAN WIMPS (651)
PARRY-RIPOSTE    MONTY PYTHON 5939          13   6  0   90 SERPENTINE INC. (85)
PARRY-LUNGE      WOF-A-MIT 5639             17  16  0   85 ROCK ETTS (595)
WALL OF STEEL    JUSTICE 5949               13   6  0   83 THE REPUBLICANS (103)
BASHING ATTACK   JUDITH 5832                18  17  0   77 WOMEN OF REALITY (669)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is MORGAN 5915.  The most popular warrior this turn was 
BEAR MARKET 6010.  The ten other most popular fighters were BARB 6060, WOF-A-MIT 

The least popular fighter this week was MACRIBSI 6024.  The other ten least popular 
fighters were IDIOCIUS 6064, TOADY 6049, MONTY PYTHON 5939, NONSENTIA 6062, BISCUIT 

                                FACE-TO-FACE XXXII

     Our next Winter Face-to-Face will be held on Martin Luther King weekend, Friday 
through Sunday, 16-18 January 2004, at the Embassy Suites in Tempe, Arizona (4400 S 
Rural Rd).  Room rates are $119.00 per night, 1-2 occupancy, which includes breakfast.  
The rooms are blocked.  The reservations number is 480-897-7444; tell them you're with 
the "Reality Simulations Face to Face Convention" block.  Our room block will be 
released in mid-December, so please make sure you reserve your room before then.
     There is a free shuttle to the airport, as well as free parking.  The hotel is 
located down the freeway in Tempe.  All rooms have high speed internet (for an extra 
charge).  There is a fitness center, jacuzzi, and pool, and of course a bar and 
restaurant inside the hotel.  And there's Denny's right across the street.  Look for 
transportation info in the tournament information sheet.
     The tournament information sheet/strategy sheet should be out sometime in late 
November/early December. 
     If you haven't been to a Face-to-Face before, you're overdue.  If you have, 
you'll be back.  Don't miss this one, it'll be a blast!  See you there! 

                                          -- Green Eyes and the RSI Staff