Date   : 02/12/2018    Duedate: 03/10/2018


DM-31    TURN-417

This Weeks Top Honors


(31-6553) [11-1-0,164]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

TAR                            POSITION IS EMPTY
BASH BROS OCEAN (627)          
(31-6553) [11-1-0,164]         

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

YUPPIE HORDE II (661)          BOOK OF THOMAS (652)
(31-6839) [17-12-1,94]         (31-6773) [5-0-1,40]



Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. BOOK OF THOMAS (652)        38
2. USEFUL WEAPONS (636)        31      USEFUL WEAPONS (636)
3. AVENGERS (146)              26      Unchartered Team
4. YUPPIE HORDE II (661)       17
5. BASH BROS OCEAN (627)       11      DM BUDDIES (430)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 1 USEFUL WEAPONS (636)     158  96  6 62.2   1/ 2 BASH BROS OCEAN (627)     8  5 0
 2/ 3 AFTER MIDNIGHT (662)      34  25  2 57.6   2/ 1 AFTER MIDNIGHT (662)      8  7 0
 3- 4 NUMBERS GAME (403)       387 330 28 54.0   3/ 4 USEFUL WEAPONS (636)      7  6 0
 4/ 6 BASH BROS OCEAN (627)    120 115  5 51.1   4/ 5 AVENGERS (146)            6  8 1
 5/ 8 YUPPIE HORDE II (661)     36  37  1 49.3   5/ 7 MIDDLE WAY 7 (536)        5 10 0
 6/ 7 AVENGERS (146)           412 440 31 48.4   6/ 6 YUPPIE HORDE II (661)     4  2 0
 7/ 0 BOOK OF THOMAS (652)      24  26  3 48.0   7- 3 NUMBERS GAME (403)        3  2 1
 8/ 9 MIDDLE WAY 7 (536)       230 401  9 36.5   8/ 0 BOOK OF THOMAS (652)      2  3 1

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                      SPY REPORT

     Another turn, another turn with TAR on the throne, and another turn without a DM 
Column.  I heard that there would be a column submitted, but not this time.  As hard 
as it is to utter these words, "I agree with Lady Smith."  Yes, you heard it here.  
Disgusting, lazy, and uncaring!  vFortunately, this will be the last time we don't get 
a column from TAR (well technically I guess the next newsletter is), since TAR is 
outta here!  Congratulation to us!  Perhaps the next DM will either write his own 
column or hire the Smith & Smith DM Column writing service.    
     ARCTIC NIGHT is undefeated!  To be honest, I don't know how you would even 
venture to defeat an arctic night.  Fortunately the warrior, ARCTIC NIGHT, isn't an 
actual arctic night.  Otherwise we'd all be afraid.  Heck, I'd be even more afraid 
since Chimlevtal should never have any actual arctic nights.   But good job so far!  
And only 40 recognition!?!  There is potential for this undefeated streak!  
     No team won more than 3 fights!  No team had a kill (except for a worthless 
scribe)!   BASH BROS OCEAN won 3 awards, but 2 of those naturally are won together, so 
it is a soft 3.  No team lost more than 3 fights!  The ONLY exciting team news to me 
was this: AFTER MIDNIGHT had two down challenges (totalling 37 recognition points) 
against the AVENGERS.  I'd call that vindictive.  If I were the manager of AVENGERS, 
I'd remember this day and start planning and plotting  my response.  That response 
doesn't have to happen tomorrow or even next month.  But when the time is right... 
     BASH BROS OCEAN and AFTER MIDNIGHT avoided USEFUL WEAPONS.  Hmmm, that just seems 
I avoid the Smithy's as much as possible, too. 
     NORISON ROSE was the most challenged warrior (welcome back again Jorja both from 
my heart as well as welcome back to having the most challenged warrior most turns).  
NORISON ROSE beat LITTER.  Hmmm, I always thought the people who littered were the 
losers.  Though litter itself is lost.  I guess the saying is true.  That you tend to 
become what you are surrounded by.  LITTER is becoming a loser!
     Until next time, I remain your faithful spy mistress,

                                          -- Belinda


DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 TAR 6553                     11   1  0   164       BASH BROS OCEAN (627)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SHARK 6525                   24  30  0   102       BASH BROS OCEAN (627)
 UMBRELLA 6765                13   7  1    97       USEFUL WEAPONS (636)
 PATRICK BATEMAN 6839         17  12  1    94       YUPPIE HORDE II (661)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 MANDIN ORWELL 6336           19  27  0    84       MIDDLE WAY 7 (536)
 LUMUS NELP 6328              11  41  1    75       MIDDLE WAY 7 (536)
 SILVER GLASS 6748             9   2  0    75       BOOK OF THOMAS (652)
 ADIOS AMIGO 6634             15  22  4    74       AVENGERS (146)
 RONDOR SENDAL 6343           13  25  1    67       MIDDLE WAY 7 (536)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SPECTRUM 6776                11  13  1    65       AVENGERS (146)
 SERENITY NOW! 6840           10   5  0    63       YUPPIE HORDE II (661)
-1-800-VICTORY 6727            7   1  0    57       NUMBERS GAME (403)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 FIRST DATE 6872               8   4  1    55       AFTER MIDNIGHT (662)
 RED PEPPER 6788              10  11  1    54       AVENGERS (146)
-BREXIT 2016 6790              5   2  0    54       NUMBERS GAME (403)
 PANDA ROSS 6383              11  18  2    53       MIDDLE WAY 7 (536)
 HOT SAND 6870                 5   4  0    47       BASH BROS OCEAN (627)
-POOL CUE 6755                11   9  2    45       USEFUL WEAPONS (636)
 COPS! 6875                    7   5  0    43       AFTER MIDNIGHT (662)
 LASSO 6865                    8   4  0    41       USEFUL WEAPONS (636)
 ARCTIC NIGHT 6773             5   0  1    40       BOOK OF THOMAS (652)
-BUD FOX 6843                  7   6  0    35       YUPPIE HORDE II (661)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 NORISON ROSE 6453             4  11  0    34       MIDDLE WAY 7 (536)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 FOURTH SHOT 6876              7   5  0    28       AFTER MIDNIGHT (662)
 THIRD BEER 6874               5   6  0    27       AFTER MIDNIGHT (662)
-SEVEN DEADLY 6909             2   0  1    24       NUMBERS GAME (403)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 BOLO 6908                     4   1  0    22       USEFUL WEAPONS (636)
 BLOOD METAL 6912              1   0  1    21       BOOK OF THOMAS (652)
 LITTER 6869                   4   6  0    18       BASH BROS OCEAN (627)
 SKINNY DIPPING 6911           1   3  0    13       AFTER MIDNIGHT (662)
-3 NIGHTS IN VEGAS 6774        0  11  0    11       NUMBERS GAME (403)
 NOBUNAGA 6915                 1   3  0     7       AVENGERS (146)
 HEAT WAVE 6900                0   1  0     7       BOOK OF THOMAS (652)
 HANZO 6918                    0   1  0     4       AVENGERS (146)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD                W  L K TEAM NAME            SLAIN BY              TURN Revenge?
EMBEZZLING SCRIB        0  0 0                      BLOOD METAL 6912      417  NONE
SECOND BASE 6873        6  2 1 AFTER MIDNIGHT 662   ADIOS AMIGO 6634      413  REVENGED
KANMURI 6914            1  1 0 AVENGERS 146         SEVEN DEADLY 6909     415   
HEDIES 6913             0  1 0 BOOK OF THOMAS 652   BANDIT PRINCE         417  NONE
ACID 6852               5  6 0 USEFUL WEAPONS 636   RED PEPPER 6788       416   
LEAD PIPE 6919          0  1 0 USEFUL WEAPONS 636   PREACHER              417  NONE

                                     PERSONAL ADS

What?! No DM Column from Tar! A Duelmaster in Assur's "own" arena and NO (I say NO.) 
Duelmaster Column? Disgusting! Uncaring! Lazy! Belinda, perhaps you can talk to Assur 
about his duties and responsibilities? After ll, if he had time to travel to the Tempe 
Face-To-Face, he surely had time for a DM Column. Sad. So Sad! -- Lady Smith
P.S. Congrats to Tar.

Skinny Dipping that wasn't even fun! And I had to wait around all that while looking 
at THAT before I won.  Disgusting and inadequate. But I WILL take the win. -- Lasso, 
Useful Weapons

Embezzling Scribe, I like fighting you! -- Bolo, Useful Weapon

Norrison Rose, it is really nice to see all you Middle Ways here. We will have to do 
it again some time. It will probably be your turn to win then. -- Pool Cue, Useful 

Whoooeeeey! Got me yer three 'n oh. Yea, baby! -- Smithy

Note: I am offering to write DM Columns for any dullards and laggards that are too 
lazy and inadequate to do so. My cost will be a mere two rollup teams. See/call/text/e 
me. -- Lady Smith

Smithy, Hon, that isn't true. You, we, didn't go 3-0. Sadly. You must have not been 
informed about Acid's death. He challenger Red Pepper, the cretin, and Acid was meanly 
killed, A shame! Acid may not have been the most lovely basher at 13-8-10-15-9-18-11, 
but he WAS a Useful Tool. We now hate red peppers. - Lady Smith

Lasso -- Bringing a rope in the water like that wasn't funny.  Someone could've died! 
-- Skinny Dipping

Litter -- I was going to make you answer these riddles three, but who am I kidding?  
That requires far too much time and effort.  Instead, I'll just sit here and drink 
more beer. -- Third Beer, not just another can on your beach 

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

LEAD PIPE was butchered by PREACHER in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
HEDIES was butchered by BANDIT PRINCE in a 1 minute Dark Arena duel.
FIRST DATE was subdued by ADIOS AMIGO in a exciting 1 minute Bloodfeud melee.
UMBRELLA overpowered MANDIN ORWELL in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge duel.
COPS! was devastated by SPECTRUM in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
SERENITY NOW! luckily beat RED PEPPER in a 2 minute bloody Challenge competition.
FOURTH SHOT won victory over NOBUNAGA in a 1 minute master vs. novice Challenge fight.
LITTER was devastated by NORISON ROSE in a 2 minute one-sided Challenge competition.
TAR handily defeated SILVER GLASS in a action packed 1 minute uneven Title melee.
SHARK vanquished CONVICTED ASSASSIN in a 1 minute uneven fight.
PATRICK BATEMAN vanquished LUMUS NELP in a 1 minute brutal one-sided fight.
RONDOR SENDAL overcame HOT SAND in a exciting 1 minute one-sided bout.
PANDA ROSS was outlasted by LASSO in a unpopular 14 minute bloody competition.
THIRD BEER was savagely defeated by ARCTIC NIGHT in a crowd pleasing 3 minute match.
BOLO overcame HANZO in a action packed 4 minute novice's conflict.
SKINNY DIPPING overpowered HEAT WAVE in a action packed 1 minute uneven struggle.
BLOOD METAL executed EMBEZZLING SCRIBE in a 1 minute bloody mismatched brawl.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|WALL OF STEEL                    5         WALL OF STEEL     28 -  17 -  0      62  |
|LUNGING ATTACK                   5         TOTAL PARRY       14 -  11 -  0      56  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                  5         LUNGING ATTACK    28 -  23 -  4      55  |
|AIMED BLOW                       4         SLASHING ATTACK   27 -  25 -  3      52  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                  4         STRIKING ATTACK   20 -  21 -  3      49  |
|TOTAL PARRY                      3         AIMED BLOW        10 -  12 -  2      45  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   3         BASHING ATTACK    20 -  27 -  0      43  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      1         PARRY-LUNGE        5 -   7 -  0      42  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     0         PARRY-STRIKE       0 -   2 -  0       0  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    0         PARRY-RIPOSTE      0 -   1 -  0       0  |

Turn 417 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

PARRY-LUNGE        1 -  0     LUNGING ATTACK     2 -  3         2  WALL OF STEEL  
WALL OF STEEL      4 -  1     BASHING ATTACK     1 -  2         2  AIMED BLOW     
TOTAL PARRY        2 -  1     SLASHING ATTACK    1 -  4         2  BASHING ATTACK 
AIMED BLOW         2 -  2     PARRY-STRIKE       0 -  0         2  LUNGING ATTACK 
STRIKING ATTACK    2 -  2     PARRY-RIPOSTE      0 -  0         1  STRIKING ATTACK
                                                                1  SLASHING ATTACK
                                                                1  PARRY-LUNGE    

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
STRIKING ATTACK  TAR 6553                   11   1  0  164 BASH BROS OCEAN (627)
SLASHING ATTACK  UMBRELLA 6765              13   7  1   97 USEFUL WEAPONS (636)
PARRY-LUNGE      PATRICK BATEMAN 6839       17  12  1   94 YUPPIE HORDE II (661)
LUNGING ATTACK   SILVER GLASS 6748           9   2  0   75 BOOK OF THOMAS (652)
WALL OF STEEL    SERENITY NOW! 6840         10   5  0   63 YUPPIE HORDE II (661)
BASHING ATTACK   COPS! 6875                  7   5  0   43 AFTER MIDNIGHT (662)
TOTAL PARRY      LASSO 6865                  8   4  0   41 USEFUL WEAPONS (636)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is PATRICK BATEMAN 6839.  The most popular warrior this 
turn was ARCTIC NIGHT 6773.  The ten other most popular fighters were HANZO 6918, 

The least popular fighter this week was LASSO 6865.  The other ten least popular 
fighters were PANDA ROSS 6383, HEDIES 6913, BOLO 6908, LUMUS NELP 6328, SILVER GLASS 
6748, COPS! 6875, MANDIN ORWELL 6336, LEAD PIPE 6919, HEAT WAVE 6900, and THIRD BEER 

The following warriors will travel to AD after next turn:

TAR (31-6553) BASH BROS OCEAN (627)

                             Mission to the Twisted Lands

                                     Episode One

     Old Brown could run pretty fast if properly motivated, but mostly he walked with 
a long-legged, distance-devouring stride.  He was a huge horse, a half-giant's 
warhorse, shaggy and self-assured, with muscles like half-buried boulders in his 
shoulders and hips.  Lounging in the saddle was the motivating force, the half-giant, 
Keel Woodhaven.  Although in his mind he was slouching and half-asleep, he sat up 
straight in the saddle since that is more comfortable for riding.
     It was twilight, stars coming out above and lights in farmhouse windows below.  
They traveled through vineyards, brown and fallow now in the winter, descending gently 
toward the tree-crowded coast.  The distant trees, not just pines, were green.  They 
stayed green because the marsh that surrounded the city-state of Bonsur had hot 
springs in it.
     Keel Woodhaven had always liked Bonsur.  It had a relaxed feel about it, the 
women seemed prettier, the music was great, everyone thought about having fun.  And 
the booze was excellent, of course.  He passed the arena at the edge of town, and 
paused to read the current statistics, posted on the gate and lit by a lantern.  So, 
an elven cobbler was the Duelmaster?  Why would a shoemaker take up such a painful 
profession?  Then he noticed the team name:  Shewish Picnic.  He snorted.  That 
explained it, all right.  As a half-Shew, he was kind of bothered by that team theme, 
which was present in Home Guard as well.  It was sort of funny though.  He saw that 
Elf Cobbler was headed for the Isle.  Probably not bound for Home Guard just yet, 
     They passed a small chicken ranch.  A rooster uttered an untimely crow.  At about 
that time, Old Brown took exception to something and bolted.  Cussing, Keel hauled on 
the reins, to little effect since the horse was stronger than him and apparently 
frightened.  He didn't see the masked men coming out of their hiding places behind 
him, looking frustrated.  At least not until a crossbow bolt thunked into the backside 
of his leather cuirass. His horse screamed and ran faster.
     Hauling Old Brown to the left as they passed a set of big open gates into a well-
lighted courtyard, Keel got them behind the shelter of the high stone wall, and patted 
the horse's sweaty neck.  "You're okay now, friend.  I'll go take care of those 
     As he dismounted, he noticed he was becoming surrounded by uniformed men, some 
with swords and some with halberds.
     "Howdy?" he said, hoping they were friendly.
     "Your horse has been shot," said someone, pointing at a bolt sticking out of Old 
Brown's butt.
     "Well damn!"  Keel laid a comforting hand on the horse's flank, which quivered.
     "So have you," the guard continued.
     "Yeah, thought so.  Doesn't feel like it got through the armor though."  Keel 
tried to look over his shoulder, but could only see the feathered end of the bolt.  
"Who are you guys?"
     "We are the Queen's Guard."
     "What?  Queen Gemra?  Okay, please take care of Old Brown here, and I'll go find 
the ***holes that shot him."
     "Sir, you are mistaken.  You will be taken to a doctor.  We will arrest the 
     "Hey!  I'm on a mission from Sheila Greywand.  Anyway, they shot my horse.  My 
HORSE!  I'm gonna get 'em."  Unslinging his huge sword, Keel strode toward the gate.
     Four Guardsmen came with him, flanking him like the trailing ends of a flock of 
geese.  They might have intended a different formation, but he had the longest legs 
and walked the fastest.  The one who'd spoken to him before said, "I'm Corporal Brat 
Langerman.  And you are?"
     "Keel Woodhaven."
     "I've heard of you!  The Queen will want to meet you."
     "That's fine.  Let's stick to the sides of these buildings.  If they're still 
around, we'll be targets in the middle of the street."
     They weren't quiet, exactly, since the guards wore highly polished chain mail 
which jingled.  However, Bonsur had a lively night life.  Music and laughter came from 
bars and nightclubs on adjacent streets, people lingered on corners chatting and 
sometimes playing instruments, and children hawked newssheets, shoeshines, flowers, a 
selection of rouges, and offered to carry packages.  So the sounds the guards made 
weren't too noticeable.
     Keel led the way back to the chicken ranch.  He was thinking that the bad guys 
wouldn't have waited around to be hunted.  They might have left clues, though.  
Perhaps even a discarded, crumpled note offering a cash reward for his head, and 
signed by a notorious crimelord.  Or distinctive cigar stubs, monogrammed hankies... 
personalized masks.  Tracks of boots made by elven cobblers.  Anything.  Witnesses, 
     There were no people on the street near the chicken ranch.  It was full night 
now, a bit chilly although there was a warm and slightly funky breeze from the marsh.
     Corporal Brat Langerman said quietly, "Is this where it happened?"
     "Well, I don't think they're here anymore."
     Keel was about to agree, when a crossbow bolt appeared in the Corporal's arm.  
The young man hissed, "Everybody down!"
     The guardsmen hunkered against the wall of a hardware store, which didn't offer 
anything resembling good cover except that they were in shadow there.  Keel crouched a 
little, but he knew he was a pretty big target, plus his sword gave off a faint 
greenish glow.  He looked around, searching the darkness for signs of their foes.
     A shadow on top of a shaded walkway across the street shifted a little.  Keel 
pulled a weighted dart out of his pocket and hurled it.  He was good at tavern darts, 
but it was dark, the distance was too great, and he just wasn't lucky.  The little 
missile clattered against the shingles of the porch roof.  There was a startled twitch 
from the half-seen form.  At that instant, Keel lunged across the street.  His long 
legs carried him across to the opposite shadows in three bounds.  More bolts came out 
of the darkness, one lodging in his calf, the others missing him altogether.
     Now the Guardsmen had a good idea where their foes were, and it takes a while to 
reload a crossbow.  The four men charged, yelling wildly.  Tucking his sword under his 
arm, Keel grabbed one of the posts holding up the porch roof, strained, and dislodged 
it.  After a moment he yanked it out of the structure entirely.  The roof sagged, 
there was a yelp of surprise, and someone's foot appeared off the edge of it.  Keel 
grabbed him by the ankle and hauled him the rest of the way down.
     There were brief sounds of fighting, then footsteps that rapidly receded down an 
alley.  Three Guardsmen raced off in pursuit.  Keel's prisoner started to try to get 
away, so the half-Shew tossed him up, grabbed him by the arms and bashed him against 
the wall.
     "Are you okay?" asked Brat, sheathing his sword.
     "Took one in the leg, but it's not too bad I think," Keel said, shifting his 
unconscious prisoner to one hand and bending to pick up his sword.
     "I'll help you tie that one up," Brat said.  "There's a dead one here.  I think 
there were two more."  He grunted slightly, trying to reach something with his injured 
arm.  "Got some ties in my right-hand belt pouch.  If you could get them for me?"
     They bound the prisoner, then bandaged each other.
     "What did they want?" asked the Corporal.
     Keel shrugged.  "No clue.  Let's get him somewhere safe and we can ask him..."  
He listened.  "Your guys are coming back."
     The Guardsmen hadn't been able to track their assailants in the darkness, but at 
least there were no further injuries.  The group of them returned warily to the 
courtyard of the Guard House, where a woman was smearing some kind of ointment on Old 
Brown's wound.  After the horse was bedded down in the stable, the Guardsmen led Keel 
into their office, where there was a welcome scent of fresh coffee.  The medic set 
about binding Keel's wound and that of the Corporal, who turned out to be an extremely 
handsome man.  Keel remembered hearing that Queen Gemra required her Guardsmen to be 
good looking.  That didn't mean they weren't competent, though.  Brat had done pretty 
     The medic roused their prisoner with smelling salts.  They all sat in the main 
office, Corporal Langerman facing the miscreant, who was seated in a cushioned chair, 
looking reasonably comfortable except for his bandaged head.  "All right," said Brat.  
"Now I want you to tell me that you're going to turn Queen's Evidence."
     "Not on your life, pretty boy!"  The man had, perhaps, some excuse for hard 
feelings since he was more homely than not, with a crooked nose and eyes set too close 
together.  He and Keel looked shabby and ill-favored amongst all these gleamingly 
handsome Guardsmen.
     Keel leaned forward.  "You guys shot my horse."
     "Oh.  Sorry, didn't mean to do that.  We were just shooting at you."
     "Glowing sword."
     "Duh, it's a magic sword!  We saw it when you drew it in Delarq Tor, and figured 
we could sell it so we followed you."
     The half-Shew snorted.  "The Dentless isn't magic.  It was in a Chaos Gate for 
five hundred years and it picked up some energy, that's all.  All it does, is glow.  
And cut things."
     The bandit looked chagrined.  "But... it's got to be magic."
     "Ain't.  Sorry kid."
     After that, Keel was taken to enjoy a sumptuous dinner at the Palace.  Queen 
Gemra was a definite babe, with long, silken black hair, a delicate pouty face, and 
luscious curves.  She asked him about his mission, which was to go to the Twisted 
Lands and shut down a leaking Chaos Gate.  He entertained her with the story of his 
adventure on the Two-Shew Express, and she gave him a brown velvet cloak to show her 
appreciation.  She did not invite him to her bed, which was fine because his heart 
belonged to another, always and forever.
                                      * * * * * 

                           This is a continuing adventure.  
         Watch for future chapters in the Bonsur and Home Guard newsletters!