Date   : 06/10/2004    Duedate: 06/23/2004


DM-36    TURN-458

This Weeks Top Honors


(36-5883) [20-10-1,119]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

PINK BEAR                      ... A HORSE
(36-5883) [20-10-1,119]        (36-6304) [2-0-1,29]

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

KERRY BEAR                     SLAYIN STAYNER
BLITZKRIEG (271)               ANARKYSTS (341)
(36-3994) [11-9-1,90]          (36-5891) [8-2-1,67]



Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. BABES (416)                 49
2. ALMOST! (316)               49      REVELATION (543)
3. REVELATION (543)            46      Unchartered Team
4. LITTLE GIRLS LIKE... (515)  45
5. BLITZKRIEG (271)            44      TWISTED (548)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 1*TWISTED (548)              7   3  0 70.0   1/ 2 SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)     9  6 1
 2/ 3 REVELATION (543)          96  56  6 63.2   2/ 1 KAMIKAZI (533)            9  6 0
 3/ 2 THE CHADS (482)           74  44  3 62.7   3/ 4 LITTLE GIRLS LIKE. (515)  8  6 1
 4- 5 QUEBEC (461)               9   6  0 60.0   4/12*TWISTED (548)             7  3 0
 5/ 4 KAMIKAZI (533)            29  20  1 59.2   5/ 8*MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)    7  8 3
 6/ 0*THE CRIMSON TIDE (426)     7   5  1 58.3   6/ 5 WOLF PACK (423)           7  8 2
 7/ 0 ALMOST! (316)             45  33  2 57.7   7/ 3 THE FALLEN (524)          7  8 0
 8/ 7 BLIND HYPOCRISY (504)     55  44  7 55.6   8/22 REVELATION (543)          7  8 0
 9- 8 5440 OR FIGHT! (336)     222 188 35 54.1   9- 6 5440 OR FIGHT! (336)      6  4 1
10/ 0 CLAN BATTLEAXE (347)      31  28  3 52.5  10/ 7 BLIND HYPOCRISY (504)     6  7 1
11/ 9 WOLF PACK (423)          156 141 11 52.5  11/10 BABES (416)               6  8 0
12/11 BABES (416)              213 195  7 52.2  12/11 BLITZKRIEG (271)          6  9 1
13/ 0 CLAN BATTLEAXE II (550)  153 141  8 52.0  13/ 9 ANARKYSTS (341)           6  9 1
14/10 SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)     41  38  5 51.9  14/ 0 ALMOST! (316)             3  2 0
15-13 HELTER SKELTER (256)     496 473 29 51.2  15/ 0 PAST TENSE (28)           3  2 0
16/14 BLITZKRIEG (271)         143 140 14 50.5  16-13*THE BREW CREW (526)       3  2 0
17/ 0 PAST TENSE (28)           33  33  0 50.0  17-15 HELTER SKELTER (256)      3  2 0
18-15*THE BREW CREW (526)       15  15  0 50.0  18/ 0 CLAN BATTLEAXE II (550)   3  2 0

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
19-16*KARNIVORZ (455)            9   9  0 50.0  19-18*ANIMATED DESTRUCTI (545)  3  6 0
20/ 0*PB OR NOT PB (549)         2   2  0 50.0  20/19*PORN IN A BARN (551)      3  7 1
21/12 THE FALLEN (524)          39  40  1 49.4  21-16 STDS (534)                2  1 1
22-17*ANIMATED DESTRUCTI (545)   9  10  1 47.4  22/ 0*THE CRIMSON TIDE (426)    2  2 0
23-18 STDS (534)                14  16  2 46.7  23/ 0*PB OR NOT PB (549)        2  2 0
24/19 ANARKYSTS (341)          314 370 34 45.9  24-21*FORTIFEX (540)            2  5 0
25/20 LITTLE GIRLS LIKE. (515)  64  80 11 44.4  25-23*KARNIVORZ (455)           1  1 0
26/22*MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)     8  12  3 40.0  26/ 0*MY BEST BUDS (505)        1  2 0
27/ 0*MY BEST BUDS (505)         4   7  0 36.4  27/ 0 CLAN BATTLEAXE (347)      1  2 0
28/ 0 ERRATA (490)              18  38  1 32.1  28/ 0 ERRATA (490)              1  3 0
29/23*PORN IN A BARN (551)       3   7  1 30.0  29/17*ANOTHER FIASCO (541)      1  6 0
30-25*FORTIFEX (540)             2   5  0 28.6  30-25*EXQUISITE CORPS II (546)  1  7 0
31/24*ANOTHER FIASCO (541)       3   9  0 25.0  31/24 THE CHADS (482)           1  9 0
32-26*EXQUISITE CORPS II (546)   1   7  0 12.5  32-26 QUEBEC (461)              0  1 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                    TEAM SPOTLIGHT

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                                      JHANS #4

     It took two days for the first zombie to show up outside the Jhans city walls.
He was alone and easy enough to dispose of.  Blackjack and Gambit from Memphis Mafia
II held the zombie down while Devastator of The Fallen brought his halberd down,
decapitating the undead creature.  As far as they could tell, the creature had no
master.  He was simply some kind "residual side-effect" of the blood-magic at work in
     The days after that brought more zombies.  Two or three a day at first and then
the numbers grew to be a dozen or so.  The task at hand was grim but thankfully most
of the warriors in the arena considered zombie-hunting to be just another form of

Just outside the Jhans city walls:

     They hadn't made it fifty yards and already Huggy Bear was starting to complain.
"Bookie, why we gotta be walkin', man?  Don't you know that if you wanna look pimp
you gotta ride? Let's go get some horses."
     Bookie sighed and tried to be patient with his somewhat eccentric basher.
"Huggy, have you ever seen a horse see a zombie?"
     "Uh, can't say I have."
     "They freak.  A horse would throw you on your head to get the hell away."
     "My head?"
     "Your head."
     "Damn, ninja!!  Ain't nobody said nothing 'bout getting dropped on my head!!
Froth that!"
     The entire search party broke out into laughter.  It was good to laugh.  You
never knew when something scary was about to leap out at you from nowhere.  There had
been stories of things besides zombies but so far they'd been lucky enough to not see
anything along those lines.
     The search party consisted of Bookie, Huggy Bear from Suicidal Dreams,
Mordraith, Thrasher (5440 or Fight!'s recent graduate), Badda Bang from The Fallen,
Reaper from Kamikazi, Chief Bling-Bling$$ from The Dreaming, and Bookie's assistant
Raven who had insisted on coming along.  Bookie really didn't want her along.  He
shuddered at the thought of what her father would do if anything happened to her (if
he were still alive).  {editor note:  see Jhans #1}
     The party made their way along the tree-line near the city.  So far they had yet
to encounter anything but a few squirrels and a very frightened white rabbit.  That
was about to change.
     "Bookie!!  I've got one!!!" Badda Bang screamed.  Her eyes glazed with maddened
anticipation.  Bang had become very fond of zombie killing.  It was a good stress-
relief after fighting 4 scum total parries in a row.
     The entire party encircled and move up on the undead creature lumbering towards
them.  Even Raven with only her wood staff tried to move in for a strike but Bookie
grabbed her by the arm and jerked her back unceremoniously.  He hated having her out
here but it was better then leaving her to her own devices.  The last time he did
that Raven and Shadow Starr nearly blew up his magic lab.  No.  It was far better to
have her by his side then home alone.
     "Bookie!!  Two more at ten o'clock, old man!"  Mordraith blurred by with his
epee slashing repeatedly just waiting for some poor fool to step in front of it.
     "I'M ONLY THIRTY, 'DRAITH!!" Bookie yelled.
     "THAT'S WHAT I MEANT!!!" Mordraith screamed back.  Bookie chuckled.
     "Damn it's good to have 'Draith back." Bookie thought to himself.  It had been
so long that Bookie had nearly forgotten how graceful Mordraith was with a sword.
Mordraith didn't fight.  It was more like he was dancing around his opponent picking
his shots and making his opponent look like a fool trying to catch him.  Bookie
thought it was almost beautiful.
     Chief Bling-Bling$$ brought his scimitar flat against the first zombie's throat,
sending its head flying back into the woods from which the creature came.  Bling-
Bling$$ was so amazed by it that he laughed aloud.  "Another by the oak!!!" Reaper
hollered out for the rest to hear.
     "I thought you said you only saw four or five zombies every patrol?" Raven asked
as she reached around Bookie and took a novice swing with her staff that wouldn't
have damaged one of the passing-by butterflies.
     "Usually we don't!" Bookie answered just as he released a necromancy bolt that
cut-down the zombie the Reaper was advancing on.  Reaper turned and glared at Bookie.
     Reaper screamed a thought so loud Bookie heard it in is own mind.  "THAT WAS
MINE!"  All Bookie did was shrug and Reaper turned and charged at another zombie with
his scimitar held high overhead.
     Bookie screamed.  "EVERYONE REGROUP!!!"
     They regrouped back to back with their weapons held at guard.  "How many?"
Bookie asked.
     "Three down, five more up." Thrasher said.
     "...with four more comin'" Huggy Bear added.
     "WHAT THE FROTH?!" Bookie yelled.  "Where are they all comin' from?"
     "Aw, c'mon, Bookie.  It's like old days.  Us against the world.  Remember?"
Mordaith said as he pulled his second epee free with a devious look on his face.
     "Take 'em out as quick as possible.  Be damned if I don't come out here with
more people next time.  It's getting worse...."
     "Second one to the left is mine." Thrasher said coldly.
     "Sure." Bookie said as he necro-bolted another zombie, knocking it to the ground
from which it immediately began to rise.  "Why him?"
     "I just killed him once.  I wanna do it again." Thrasher replied.
     Bookie looked at the zombie at question and paid attention to him this time.
Slowly a smile came to Bookie's face.  Halo-14!!!  Bookie laughed.  "He's all yours.
Everybody, wait for it...wait for it...GO!!!"
     They broke formation with Bookie staying in the middle trying to "direct
traffic".  The first blow was by Huggy Bear.  He drove his war hammer spike into a
zombie and it became stuck.  The force of the blow carried Huggy around and the
zombie came along for the ride.  He spun him around a full revolution until the
zombie flung off and crashed into the four zombies coming out of the woods a full
twenty yards away.  The blow was very impressive even to the veterans in the group.
     Raven laughed gleefully and clapped.  "THIS IS SO MUCH FUN!!!" she exclaimed.
     Bookie rolled his eyes.


     About a week earlier P-Diddi and Brew-ha had been getting a drink at the Loucas
Lounge in Jhans trying to unwind when the barmaid brought them a note.  (editor note:
See Jhans #2)  The note had been sent by Kerry Bear on behalf of her manager and
husband Polarius.  It seemed that Polarius had gotten involved with some shady
dealings with a Rodeki crime lord.  And as dealings with crime lords go, this one
also has ended on bad terms.  They didn't know exactly what had happened but whatever
it was it had been serious as Polarius was willing to pay very nicely to have Mazlak
(the crime lord in question) killed.  That was how P-Diddi and Brew-ha ended up in an
alley in Rodeki at three in the morning spying on Mazlak's nearby estate.

     "We got any wine left?" P-Diddi asked.
     Brew-ha picked up the wine flask and examined it, even turning it completely
upside down and not a drop fell out.  "Nope."
     "Damn."  P-Diddi said as he gazed through his spy-glass .  "Looks like dogs in
the back courtyard."
     "Uh-huh."  Brew-ha said, half paying attention as he casually lay against the
alley wall and ate grapes.
     "Two guards at the main-gate."
     "And four that I can see in the front courtyard."
     P started to suspect that Brew wasn't paying any attention to him and decided to
test him.
     "Heard you like dwarf women."
     "Like to grab their beards and hold on for life, right?"
     "Uh--hey wait!!  NO I DON'T!!!"
     Brew threw the empty wine flask at P as P began grabbing an imaginary beard in
the air and started thrusting his hips repeatedly and laughing.  Brew leapt to his
feet and the two were almost at blows when a man stepped out of the shadows and
called to them.
     "Nobody move, chaps.  Just hand over your money and won't nobody get hurt...."
     P-Diddi and Brew-ha stood there motionless.  Not out of fear but out of shock.
The two began ignoring the thief and carrying a conversation on between themselves.
     "Can you believe this?" P said as he flung his hands up in disbelief.  "WE are
getting robbed!  Thieves today have no respect."
     "No respect!" Brew interjected.
     To the thief's disbelief, P began pacing and talking.  "You can go anywhere...
ANYWHERE and people will respect a fellow thief but NOT IN RODEKI!!!  OH NO!!  First
night you stand around in an alley in Rodeki every two-bit hood in town wants to rob
you.  Bet he's never even heard of The Thieves Guild."
     "Never heard of it...tsk tsk."
     P turned and asked the thief directly.  "You ever heard of the thieves guild?"
     The thief was now the one in a state of shock.  He hadn't expected this.
     "Guess not." P said.  "Let me show you my membership card."  With that, P
reached into his cloak and hurled a throwing knife at the thief which the thief
dodged by twisting his body in an almost inhuman manner.
     "Damn!!" Brew said.
     P grinned.  "Almost worked."  P than pulled his daggers from his cloak and did a
number of ceremonious poses with them before standing at guard.
     Brew stood unimpressed and scoffed.  "Show-off."
     P chuckled and motioned for the thief to come on.  Now the thief was enraged.
The thief didn't know who this guy thought he was but he wasn't going to be made a
fool of.  The thief charged with his longsword swinging with a fierce viciousness.
     P sidestepped as the thief's blade swept just inches from his body.  P
backpedaled, feeling in complete control of the situation.  This guy was good but he
was nothing special.
     The thief charged again.  This time he didn't over extend himself and instead
sent a barrage of lunges at P who parried the first three and dropped to his knees to
avoid the fourth.  P brought up a well-placed kick to the thief's abdomen which
knocked the wind out of him and sent him up against the alleyway wall.
     P regained his feet and waited while Brew stood back and laughed.  P was playing
with the thief and the thief didn't even know it.  P motioned for the thief to
advance again.  This time the thief gave him more then he expected.
     The thief brought a powder from his cloak pocket and flung it towards P's face.
P managed to avoid most of it but he still got enough in his eyes to make them water.
This is when the thief seemingly flew from the wall wielding his longsword like the
wrath of god.
     P did the only thing he could.  He fell to his back and tried to let the blow
pass over him.  It almost worked.  The thief's sword ran up P's chest just barely
skimming over it leaving a small blood-scratch all the way down to his stomach.  P
survived.  His cloak wasn't so fortunate.
     The thief's momentum carried him over P and crashing into the ground where he
skidded several feet managing to break a couple of ribs along the way.  P leapt up to
his feet and rubbed his eyes.  He was still disoriented but he was alive.  That was
the biggest thing.  Then P noticed his cloak had been neatly sliced open down the
front.  His eyes became huge with anger.  He screamed.  "SHIRT-RIPPA!!"
     The thief was on his feet as well and prepared for whatever was about to come.
He held his longsword out in front of him with a crazed look in his eyes.  He never
saw it coming.  The thief fell to the ground unconscious and out from behind him
walked a familiar if not annoying face:  Drips from the STD's guild.
     "Thought you needed the hand, boys." Drips said smirking from ear to ear.  His
words were dripping with sarcasm.
     P was almost broken-hearted.  "Why?  Why did you do that?!  It was just getting
     Brew laughed and Drips did the same.  P kept looking back and forth between the
unconscious thief and Drips in disbelief.  "Froth!" P cursed.  "Hey!  What in the
hell are you doing here, anyway?"
     Brew stopped laughing and suddenly wondered that as well.  "Yea, what are you
doing here?"
     Drips rolled his eyes and tried to act innocent until he finally burst out into
mad laughter.  "I've been following you since the I saw you at the Lounge."
     P stepped forward with his dagger pulled back ready to strike.  "You spying on
     "No, no.  Just nothing better to do." Drips chuckled.  He then continued.  "So,
we gonna kill this Mazlak guy?"
     P shook his head.  "No.  We work alone."
     "Oh well, thought I'd ask." Drips said as he started to turn and walk away.
     "OH NO!!" P said as he grabbed Drips by the arm.  "You know too much.  You're
not leaving our sights.  Brew, you keep your eye on him.  Let's get out of here and
back to the inn.  There we can figure out what we're gonna do with him."
     Drips had no objections and began walking with Brew-ha.  Drips said.  "I know a
short-cut to your room.  It takes us right by the Flagg's Five Guild.  Thought we
could 'mark the ole territory' if you know what I mean."
     Brew-ha laughed as they walked while P followed.  Then P stopped and went back
to the thief's unconscious form and rummaged through his pockets until he found what
he was looking for, the thief's coin purse.  P tossed the bag up and caught it saying
with a smile on his face, "Gods, I LOVE my work."  He then kicked the thief one more
time, picking him up off the ground.

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	Good Morning Viet-JHANS!  Ok, well...so much for the ROBIN WILLIAMS impression.
It is I POLARIUS, (where is that music coming from?  I keep hearing it....) anyway,
it is I POLARIUS back with another edition of my KILL CONTEST SPY REPORT!
First...let's morph back to turn 456:
	TANTRIC was viciously slain by TROJAN MAN.  I guess not only is the TROJAN a
good idea to avoid STD's but also to protect yourself from those BLITZKRIEG
(lightening fast accidents)!
	HALO 14 was taken out by M. Thrasher...No big surprise here.  Draith has always
been known as the Natural Born Killa!
	RAVAGE was slain by Slayin Stayner...and we all remember the OH SO SWEET
	and TARGET was dealt DEATH by MOON HUNTRESS.  My sources in at the JHANS PD
tell me that they suspect WAL-MART may also have something to do with it.  In other
news K-MART has offered its condolences to TARGET as well.

	NOW...back to the present...turn 457.
	EXQUISITE CORPS II had a pretty rough turn...they lost ABIGAIL (Who caught a
case of the STD'S.  Yeah, GENITAL WARTS is pretty nasty.  Just ask DONNA.) and
LULLABI.  LULLABI was killed by A HORSE...no it wasn't a riding accident...or WAS IT?
A HORSE/PORN IN A BARN....hmmmmm.  In any case EXQUISITE CORPS got really FROTH'ed up
this turn.  Speaking of getting FROTH'ed up, SKRAGG got some disturbing news this
turn.  GOAT CHEESE (how the heck is that PORN IN A BARN?  SICK.) was killed by JU
JITSU (or whatever he is calling himself these days.  The ISRAELIS are our friends.
And last but not least....TOAD now knows who his DADDY is....it is BOOKIE!  Under
orders from  BOOKIE BLACKJACK easily slew DADDY.  BOOKIE was heard murmuring
something about when you keep 'em relying on you for their paycheck they will do
anything you ask.  HEY...that KINDA SOUNDS LIKE SOCIALISM....hmm...and LIBERALISM....
	ANYWAY...it has been fun but I have to go for now.  I gotta figure out where
that music is coming from...kinda has a catchy theme though...yeah...(humming) sexy
mother FROTHER!  (man I hope that don't get censored)


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Suicidal Dreams   4
Little Girls Like 3
Memphis Mafia     2
STD's             2
Blind Hypocrisy   2
Blitzkrieg        1
Abysmal Behaviors 1
Crimson Tide      1
Iron Tigers       1
5440 or Fight     1
Wolf Pack         1
Porn in a Barn    1
Anarkysts         1

Hope I didn't leave anyone out.  JUST FYI...for alliance totals:
kLk                    - 11 kills
Froths                 -  3
Midnight Foundation    -  2
Chaos Stinks           -  1
The FIRM (whatta joke) -  0

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                         ---===DELARQUAN REGIONAL NEWS===---

 DM   1 MORDANT (turn 497): WISPER of SWEORDMASTERS (Mannequin, mgr.)
 DM   2 NIANIA (turn 382): TOOFLESS of GLORY BOUND TROLLS (DeGotti, mgr.)
 DM   3 OSKSI (turn 502): HARALDUR of AESIR (Buri, mgr.)
 DM   4 JHELUM (turn 498): MARCH MADNESS of SPORTZ! (Guardian, mgr.)
 DM   5 KALTOS (turn 497): FRIED TWINKIE of MORE NEW TEAMS 2 (The Muffin Man, mgr.)
 DM   6 TRANSEL (turn 501): SERENGETI of BATTLE BEASTS (Sensei Jan, mgr.)
 DM   7 BONSUR (turn 498): GINGER of SUGAR AND SPICE (Mannequin, mgr.)
 DM  10 KOLACT (turn 493): HOLY BULL of THOROUGHBREDS (DRF, mgr.)
 DM  18 TALCAMA (turn 484): BRICKTOP of WASTELAND (The Muffin Man, mgr.)
 DM  21 SUNSET (turn 483): MR. TWISTER of IRONIC TAILS (Mr. Twister, mgr.)
 DM  36 JHANS (turn 457): PINK BEAR of LITTLE GIRLS LIKE... (Shocking Toad, mgr.)
 DM  38 CLIFFHOME (turn 448): UHLEK of DARK TOADS (TigToad, mgr.)
 DM  39 XOCHITHLAN (turn 195): DUCK TAPE of DUCKS UNLIMITED (Crip, mgr.)
 DM  42 RODEKI (turn 435): GUNSLINGER of KING'S KREW (King Ralph, mgr.)
 DM  51 TRICORUS (turn 383): APPLE of FRUITS (Assurnasirbanipal, mgr.)
 DM  54 TROCAR (turn 182): MOUSETRAP of USELESS TOOLS (Crip, mgr.)
 DM  59 ILLIS (turn 170): HOFFA WITH HAIR of IMPROVED ILLUSION (Phantasm, mgr.)
 DM  62 VALAMANTIS (turn 333): BET OR NOT DIE of SRETSAMLEUD (Phat Phat, mgr.)
 DM  72 DRAGONHEAD (turn 147): 2 PHAT of VERMIN (Sultan, mgr.)

                                      Top Teams
 DM   1 MORDANT (turn 497): THE BLACK COMPANY (Darkfist, mgr.)
 DM   2 NIANIA (turn 382): GLORY BOUND TROLLS (DeGotti, mgr.)
 DM   3 OSKSI (turn 502): none
 DM   4 JHELUM (turn 498): ORCCON THUGS (DMobster, mgr.)
 DM   5 KALTOS (turn 497): THE TAKEN (Silver Stroke, mgr.)
 DM   6 TRANSEL (turn 501): BATTLE BEASTS (Sensei Jan, mgr.)
 DM   7 BONSUR (turn 498): SUGAR AND SPICE (Mannequin, mgr.)
 DM  10 KOLACT (turn 493): DEVIL'S ADVOCATE (Assamite, mgr.)
 DM  18 TALCAMA (turn 484): CENTER FOR OLDS (Suave, mgr.)
 DM  21 SUNSET (turn 483): COSMIC FREAK OUT (Floyd, mgr.)
 DM  36 JHANS (turn 457): KAMIKAZI (Turtle, mgr.)
 DM  38 CLIFFHOME (turn 448): DENNY'S BKFAST (T'Loi, mgr.)
 DM  39 XOCHITHLAN (turn 195): ATMAN PROJECT (Kosmos, mgr.)
 DM  42 RODEKI (turn 435): COLOR ME SUAVE (Suave, mgr.)
 DM  51 TRICORUS (turn 383): ALL-UGLY TEAM (The Sentinel, mgr.)
 DM  54 TROCAR (turn 182): THE MUPPETS (Keldon Blackfang, mgr.)
 DM  59 ILLIS (turn 170): ISLANDERS (Nick, mgr.)
 DM  62 VALAMANTIS (turn 333): MIDDLE WAY 10 (Nick, mgr.)
 DM  72 DRAGONHEAD (turn 147): X-POSSE (Savant, mgr.)
ADM 104 DARKHOLM (turn 376): BLACK PRIMERS, etc. (Doc Steele, mgr.)

                                   Recent Graduates
 DM   1 MORDANT (turn 497): WISPER of SWEORDMASTERS (Mannequin, mgr.)
                (turn 496): SMEDS of THE BLACK COMPANY (Darkfist, mgr.)
 DM   4 JHELUM (turn 498): MARCH MADNESS of SPORTZ! (Guardian, mgr.)
 DM   7 BONSUR (turn 497): ANGRY CANDY of FLOWER CHILDREN (Ebenezer Frothingslosh)
 DM  10 KOLACT (turn 492): VAPID VANNA of SPRINGBORN (Still, mgr.)
 DM  18 TALCAMA (turn 483): FRENCH GRUNT of BIG MEAN FISH (Big Wave Dave, mgr.)
 DM  21 SUNSET (turn 483): MR. TWISTER of IRONIC TAILS (Mr. Twister, mgr.)
 DM  36 JHANS (turn 457): KATHLEEN of BABES (Papa Bear, mgr.)
              (turn 456): M. THRASHER of 5440 OR FIGHT! (Mordraith, mgr.)
 DM  38 CLIFFHOME (turn 448): UHLEK of DARK TOADS (TigToad, mgr.)
 DM  39 XOCHITHLAN (turn 194): TAMMY FAYE of WITLESS WONDERS (Berylstar, mgr.)
 DM  42 RODEKI (turn 435): ANN ARTICHOKE of DELVERS (Nick, mgr.)
                           YANKEE DAN of CLOWNING AROUND (Assurnasirbanipal, mgr.)
 DM  54 TROCAR (turn 182): MERGEN of THE BLACK COMPANY (Woelfe, mgr.)
 DM  72 DRAGONHEAD (turn 147): 2 PHAT of VERMIN (Sultan, mgr.)

                                 DUELMASTER'S COLUMN
                             Notes from the arena champ.

I've taken the throne through diligence and honor.  I'd like to thank M. Thrasher for
an honorable fight; well done, my friend.  It was close as we are both quality
warriors.  I'd also like to thank my arrogant manager, Shocking Toad.  Yes, he's got
a big mouth and he's a pain in the butt; however, he does well by me.  I'd finally
like to thank Kayla for taking such great care of me these 6 1/2 years.  She's
loving, caring, companionate, and understanding; everything her father is not.  My
love to you, Kayla.

Now that I've spoken, the arrogant daddy wants to say a few words:

Thank you, Pink Bear; you are a great fighter and a wonderful friend to Kayla.  Now
that I have the pen I want to say some things:  Polarius is well spoken and knows of
what he speaks.  Folks that get, but do not earn, take for granted and have no desire
or need to pursue on their own.  Our civilization was set up for the citizenry to
achieve on their own.  For those poor few that cannot do on their own get a helping
hand via charity, family and community.  It is immoral for a Government to take from
one person and give to another.  To give by choice is altruism, to give through force
is oppression.  I want to live in an altruistic society, not the oppressive one we
find ourselves in.

Now that I've had my say I'll be silent until the next column!

Pink Bear and Shocking Toad

                                      SPY REPORT

     Much has changed in JHANS since last I was here.  Never fear, Olaf Modeen adapts 
to many situations, as do all successful fighters.  Woof!  KAMIKAZI were a bunch of 
dogs after SUICIDAL DREAMS got through with 'em!  2nd ain't so sweet as 1st!  Who can 
explain it?  Not you, not me, not REVELATION's opponents, after watching them shoot 
up the ranks from 22nd to 8th.  LITTLE GIRLS LIKE... showed JHANS what they were made 
of as they fought with a vengeance to walk off with 3-1-1.  What's with KERRY BEAR?  
She actually beat WOLF PACK's GHETTO KING, and walked away with 26 more points from 
the fight.  Major screwup at ANARKYSTS.  KILL'EM KREPP lost 18 points to GROPING 
CHICKENS.  Some new strategies, perhaps?  Maybe KILL'EM KREPP will provide more easy 
wins...  WOLF PACK's hatred of LITTLE GIRLS LIKE... surfaced again as CANIS LUPUS 
challenged JHANS' top dog.  CANIS LUPUS was reminded on the sands why PINK BEAR is 
Duelmaster.  Advice to fighters with a 1 will--give up fighting!   
     Speaking of cowardly avoiders and unfair challenges...  How well I know the 
feeling of being in the most avoided team!  Don't fall out of practive, BLIND 
HYPOCRISY!  In my day, no team with a 53-41-7 would scare me off!  What's the 
problem, KAMIKAZI?  How well I know the feeling of being the most challenged warrior, 
JEALOUSY RAINS!  Don't make idle boasts, they may come back to haunt you.  Taunt your 
opponent MARCIE!  That was my lucky charm when I was unfairly challenged.  (and by 19 
points!)  UNION JACK should have an easy win.  UNION JACK defeated MARCIE.  I bet 
UNION JACK could beat two-year-olds, too.  Well, BABES knows who to set their sights 
on.  PROWLER of WOLF PACK knows how to pick 'em.  She challenged ANOTHER BLANKEE of 
LITTLE GIRLS LIKE... who is up by 24.  Now was this a wise move?  PROWLER perhaps got 
hers just desserts, seeing as she was overcame by ANOTHER BLANKEE and ended up with 3 
recognition points.   
     There have been some calls to lengthen the time limit.  Do you want the fighters 
to walk away, or not?  Hmm...  More surprises must remain in store for me, if THE 
DARK can return from the Dark Arena.  AXION looked pretty sick and surprised when he 
learned ERRATA is sending him to the Dark Arena!  Whadd'he expect with a 2-10-0?  Who 
will dare fight POCOHONTAS, after she returned from the Dark Arena?  (For the record 
2-4-1 is 33, and has she points) So WOLF PACK sent MOON HUNTRESS to the Dark Arena.  
Big deal.  Plenty more fighters where MOON HUNTRESS came from.  Dime a dozen...  Now, 
Spyreporters...  GHETTO KING of WOLF PACK didn't know when to quit.  When you've got 
a 12-16-1, that's a good sign.  Now he's dead.  How long have I been here?  I got 
people to see, places to go...   
     Who knows what the future holds for a warrior.  More fights, there's no doubt.  
All work and no play makes Olaf a dull fighter.  Work and play no fighter dull Olaf.  
Olaffighterwork and no play.  Remember--a good fighter needs both good skills and 
good luck.  Until next time,-- Olaf Modeen  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 PINK BEAR 5883               20  10  1   119       LITTLE GIRLS LIKE... (515)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-POSTMASTER P 5182            20  11  0   133       HELTER SKELTER (256)
 DONNA 5966                   10   6  0   103       BABES (416)
 MORACH RAZH 6239             14  11  0    95       CLAN BATTLEAXE II (550)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 CANIS LUPUS 5716             12   8  0    92       WOLF PACK (423)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 KERRY BEAR 3994              11   9  1    90       BLITZKRIEG (271)
-HANGING 5507                 11   5  0    90       THE CHADS (482)
 SKIRZA SLAPSTIK 5996         12   4  0    89       THE FALLEN (524)
 TROJAN MAN 5710              12   5  3    83       BLIND HYPOCRISY (504)
-MANICOUAGAN 4966              8   3  0    81       QUEBEC (461)
 HUGGY BEAR 6002              11   5  0    73       SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
 SLAYIN STAYNER 5891           8   2  1    67       ANARKYSTS (341)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 UNION JACK 6015              13   1  0    65       BLITZKRIEG (271)
 BLOOD MOON 6175               8   5  0    60       REVELATION (543)
 OBLIVIOUS 6101                8   1  0    59       KAMIKAZI (533)
 HUNGOVER 3723                12   3  0    58       ALMOST! (316)
 PSYCHO PROCTOLOGIST 3675     11   8  2    58       ALMOST! (316)
 CY 6234                       5   3  0    57       CLAN BATTLEAXE II (550)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 ARACHNE 5712                  6   4  0    55       BLIND HYPOCRISY (504)
-SYPHILIS 6129                 4   2  0    53       STDS (534)
 THE DARK 5715                 6   1  1    52       WOLF PACK (423)
 BADDA BAMM 6075               7   5  0    51       SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
 MARCIE 6076                   4   7  1    50       BABES (416)
 GROPING CHICKENS 3972         3   1  0    50       ALMOST! (316)
 SLASHIN' SPECK 5854           7  13  1    49       ANARKYSTS (341)
 MISERY 6232                   6   1  0    49       CLAN BATTLEAXE II (550)
 TITANIC 178                   8   7  0    44       PAST TENSE (28)
 REAPER 6150                   4   1  0    44       KAMIKAZI (533)
-LUCIFERI 6018                 5   1  0    41       THE BREW CREW (526)
-SPEKTER 4921                  4   3  0    41       KARNIVORZ (455)
 BADDA BANG 6013               6   8  0    39       THE FALLEN (524)
 THE LAST TRUMP 6173           7   1  1    35       REVELATION (543)
-DRIPS 6066                    5   4  0    35       STDS (534)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 DEVASTATOR 6079               6   6  0    33       THE FALLEN (524)
 PRINCE OF LIES 6171           5   3  0    33       REVELATION (543)
 BROWN KITTY TOO 6118          4   4  1    33       LITTLE GIRLS LIKE... (515)
 ILSARIA 4004                  4   1  0    33       CLAN BATTLEAXE (347)
 POCOHONTAS 6137               2   4  1    33       LITTLE GIRLS LIKE... (515)
 SHADOW STARR 5999             7   9  1    31       SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
 SCORPINE 6119                 6   2  0    30       KAMIKAZI (533)
 ANOTHER BLANKEE 6117          3   5  0    30       LITTLE GIRLS LIKE... (515)
 DRIVER 6055                   6   4  1    29       KAMIKAZI (533)
-CLUTCH SHUTTLE 6060           4   2  0    29       HELTER SKELTER (256)
 ... A HORSE 6304              2   0  1    29       PORN IN A BARN (551)
 KILL'EM KREPP 5892            7   3  0    27       ANARKYSTS (341)
 JEALOUSY RAINS 5995           5  11  1    27       THE FALLEN (524)
 BLACKJACK 6163                3   1  2    27       MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)
-PSYCHO 6017                   2   4  0    27       THE BREW CREW (526)
 LUCA 4653                     2   1  0    27       THE CRIMSON TIDE (426)
 SKUNK #1 5719                 2   2  0    27       MY BEST BUDS (505)
 SUBZERO 6120                  5   3  0    25       KAMIKAZI (533)
-BATTERING RAM 6198            3   1  0    25       ANIMATED DESTRUCTION (545)
 MORVAANA 4002                 3   2  0    25       CLAN BATTLEAXE (347)
 DISCHORDIA 6216               2   0  0    25       TWISTED (548)
 INDESTRUCTIBLE IV 1350        2   2  0    24       PAST TENSE (28)
-KRUNK MONKEY 5939             1   2  0    24       5440 OR FIGHT! (336)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 CONFESSION 6003               6   5  0    23       BLIND HYPOCRISY (504)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-PALADIN 5410                  4   6  0    23       ERRATA (490)
-OBSIDIA 4001                  3   1  1    23       CLAN BATTLEAXE (347)
-CHLAMYDIA 6148                2   1  0    23       STDS (534)
 OPHELIAROG 6222               1   0  0    23       PB OR NOT PB (549)
 FUNKY COLD MEDINA 6154        1   4  0    22       BLITZKRIEG (271)
 PIGFEED PICKTAN 6124          6   2  0    20       ANARKYSTS (341)
-KANE 6020                     4   2  0    20       THE BREW CREW (526)
-STRAW GOLEM 6197              2   2  0    20       ANIMATED DESTRUCTION (545)
 THE BEAST 6296                2   0  0    19       REVELATION (543)
 THE LAMB 6293                 1   1  0    19       REVELATION (543)
-LADY SCARE ALL 4922           1   1  0    19       KARNIVORZ (455)
 YERN'N FER'N URN 1508         2   2  0    18       PAST TENSE (28)
 FNORD 6217                    2   0  0    18       TWISTED (548)
 CAVEMAN 4652                  1   2  0    18       THE CRIMSON TIDE (426)
 SANDPAPER CONDOM 6311         2   0  1    17       MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)
 CLOVER 5959                   2   5  0    17       ERRATA (490)
 PIXIE DUST 6308               2   0  0    17       MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)
-FLYING BLADE 6196             2   2  0    17       ANIMATED DESTRUCTION (545)
-MONKEY SHINE 5927             2   0  0    17       HELTER SKELTER (256)
 BIBIDY-BOBIDY-BOO 6309        2   0  0    17       SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
 MISCOUNT 6090                 0   3  0    17       THE CHADS (482)
 DIMPLED 5776                  4   2  0    16       THE CHADS (482)
-FREAKY FRED 4920              3   2  0    16       KARNIVORZ (455)
-THAI-STICK 5720               2   0  0    15       MY BEST BUDS (505)
 FURIOUS INHALER 4047          0   1  0    15       ALMOST! (316)
 JACK RIPPER 4651              2   1  1    14       THE CRIMSON TIDE (426)
-GENITAL WARTS 6192            1   1  1    14       STDS (534)
-RIZZLE-DIZZLE 5923            3   0  0    13       5440 OR FIGHT! (336)
 COSMIC TRIGGER 6215           2   0  0    13       TWISTED (548)
 CORDELLIAROG 6225             1   0  0    12       PB OR NOT PB (549)
-HORIZONTAL POLKA 6191         1   0  0    12       THE BREW CREW (526)
-FRANKENSLOSH 5901             3   1  0    11       HELTER SKELTER (256)
 SCRAGGLE ROCK 6310            2   0  1    11       SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
 LUCKY STRIKE 6155             2   1  0    11       ANOTHER FIASCO (541)
 PROBLEM 5977                  1   0  0    11       ERRATA (490)
-QUEEN SLEEZ 6142              1   0  0    11       FORTIFEX (540)
-SOMATRON 6143                 1   1  0    10       FORTIFEX (540)
-DANCING BONES 6194            2   2  1     9       ANIMATED DESTRUCTION (545)
-CLAP 6151                     1   1  0     9       STDS (534)
-GITO GITO HUSTLER 6291        1   0  0     9       5440 OR FIGHT! (336)
-DEATH STRYKE 6019             1   5  0     8       THE BREW CREW (526)
-SPATHIC 6189                  1   2  0     8       5440 OR FIGHT! (336)
 RUH-ROH, RHAGGY 6193          1   2  0     8       MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)
 WASTEM WUORNOS 6123           0   8  0     8       ANARKYSTS (341)
 LEOTSU 4655                   2   1  0     7       THE CRIMSON TIDE (426)
 ROUGH RIDER 6295              1   1  0     7       BLITZKRIEG (271)
-DECAIRA 4005                  1   3  0     6       CLAN BATTLEAXE (347)
 HAY RIDE 6305                 1   1  0     6       PORN IN A BARN (551)
 HEPCAT 6157                   1   2  0     5       ANOTHER FIASCO (541)
 SNOW CRASH 6218               1   1  0     4       TWISTED (548)
 FRENCH HAMSTER 6294           1   1  0     4       BLITZKRIEG (271)
-BEEZLE 4924                   1   1  0     4       KARNIVORZ (455)
 GAMBIT 6161                   0   4  0     4       MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)
 PROWLER 6199                  0   3  0     3       WOLF PACK (423)
-CORPSE COUNT 4923             0   2  0     2       KARNIVORZ (455)
 DOUBLE-O-ZERO 6158            0   2  0     2       ANOTHER FIASCO (541)
 ELECTROMIC 6213               0   2  0     2       THE CHADS (482)
-MELISSA 6204                  0   2  0     2       EXQUISITE CORPS II (546)
 DONNA THE HUNTRESS 6307       0   2  0     2       THE FALLEN (524)
-BIG LOU 6145                  0   1  0     1       FORTIFEX (540)
-SILICON CARNE 6298            0   1  0     1       EXQUISITE CORPS II (546)
-MORAXX 6292                   0   1  0     1       FORTIFEX (540)
 HAMLETROG 6227                0   1  0     1       PB OR NOT PB (549)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 DIVIT 5974                    0   1  0     1       ERRATA (490)
-AVERAGE JOE 6146              0   1  0     1       FORTIFEX (540)
 BRUTUSROG 6226                0   1  0     1       PB OR NOT PB (549)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD               W  L K TEAM NAME             SLAIN BY             TURN Revenge?
DUD THE BLUNDER  4553  0  1 0 ALMOST! 316           WURM KIN 27           458 NONE    
HOT MAMA 6149          0  2 0 BABES 416             RILLION 21            458 NONE    
TANYA 6136             1  2 0 BABES 416             RIPPLES DORRIGAN 23   458 NONE    
NBK 6337               0  1 0 BLIND HYPOCRISY 504   BLACK ORC 20          458 NONE    
NEXUS 6336             0  1 0 BLIND HYPOCRISY 504   HIGH ELF 19           458 NONE    
TANTRIC 6036           6  6 1 BLITZKRIEG 271        TROJAN MAN 5710       456         
XIMO 5203              0  1 0 CLAN BATTLEAXE 347    BLACK ORC 20          458 NONE    
CHADE 6229             0  1 0 CLAN BATTLEAXE II 550 BANDIT PRINCE 25      458 NONE    
KIN 6312               0  1 0 CLAN BATTLEAXE II 550 SLIPPERS MCGHEE 24    458 NONE    
RILLION 21             0  1 0 DARK ARENA 0          THE DARK 5715         458 NONE    
BLACK ORC 20           0  1 0 DARK ARENA 0          POCOHONTAS 6137       458 NONE    
AXION 5411             2 11 0 ERRATA 490            RILLION 21            458 NONE    
ABIGAIL 6203           1  1 0 EXQUISITE CORPS I 546 GENITAL WARTS 6192    457         
LULLABI 6297           0  1 0 EXQUISITE CORPS I 546 ... A HORSE 6304      457         
RAVAGE 5993            8  6 0 THE FALLEN 524        SLAYIN STAYNER 5891   456 REVENGED
TARGET 6144            0  1 0 FORTIFEX 540          MOON HUNTRESS 6200    456         
DADDY 6153             1  2 1 LITTLE GIRLS LIKE 515 BLACKJACK 6163        457         
SHAKE 5721             0  2 0 MY BEST BUDS 505      SUPERIOR MANAGER 22   458 NONE    
WILLY'S WONDER 5717    0  2 0 MY BEST BUDS 505      SANDPAPER CONDOM 6311 458         
MAGGOT CHOW 176        5  5 0 PAST TENSE 28         WURM KIN 27           458 NONE    
BUGONMYWINDSHIEL 1351  1  2 0 PAST TENSE 28         WURM KIN 27           458 NONE    
CHICKEN TENDER 6303    0  2 0 PORN IN A BARN 551    MOUNTAIN TROLL 18     458 NONE    
SEXY COW 6301          0  2 0 PORN IN A BARN 551    HIGH ELF 19           458 NONE    
COCKROACH 6335         0  1 0 PORN IN A BARN 551    RILLION 21            458 NONE    
GOAT CHEESE 6302       0  1 0 PORN IN A BARN 551    SCRAGGLE ROCK 6310    457         
MASON 6334             0  1 0 TWISTED 548           SUPERIOR MANAGER 22   458 NONE    
HOPE DESTRUCTOR 6131   2  1 0 VAGRANT REGIME 539    MARCIE 6076           454 NOT REVE
MOON HUNTRESS 6200     2  1 1 WOLF PACK 423         HIGH ELF 19           458 NONE    
GHETTO KING 5180      12 16 1 WOLF PACK 423         KERRY BEAR 3994       458         

                                     PERSONAL ADS

     While I was out of town or otherwise out of the picture, there were requests for
     a manager list.  Well, here 'tis.  This is teams listed in the newsletter last
     turn (turn 457).  If I've gotten anyone's name wrong, just let me know and I'll
     fix it. -- The Saint, keeper of lists
     5440 OR FIGHT!        Mordraith          LITTLE GIRLS LIKE...  Shocking Toad
     ANARKYSTS             Nunzio F'slosh     MEMPHIS MAFIA II      Bookie
     ANIMATED DESTRUCTION  ?                  PORN IN A BARN        Alfredo F'slosh
     ANOTHER FIASCO        Rude Buddha        QUEBEC                Crip
     BABES                 Papa Bear          REVELATION            SOL
     BLIND HYPOCRISY       Jekyll             STDS                  Up-In-Ya
     BLITZKRIEG            Polarius           SUICIDAL DREAMS       Bookie
     EXQUISITE CORPS II    Manray, Marquis    THE BREW CREW         Brew-ha
                           d'F'slosh          THE CHADS             Rillion
     FLAGG'S CHAOS 5       Flagg              THE DREAMING          P-Diddy
     FORTIFEX              Matrix             THE FALLEN            Azrael
     HELTER SKELTER        Cosmo F'slosh      TWISTED               Paradox23
     KAMIKAZI              Turtle             WOLF PACK             Sylvester F'slosh
     KARNIVORZ             Tripwire

Azrael -- I was wondering the same thing...guess my turns must have arrived
unfashionably late.  At least my boys made quite an entrance when they finally did
arrive, eh? ;) -- Paradox23

Polarius -- It seems that our warriors can't keep their hands off each other. --

Trojan Man -- Wow, I have never had my tail kicked like that.  I'm just glad you were
aiming legs after the first minute! -- Union Jack

Jekyll -- Well...since it appears I can't beat you, maybe I should start avoiding
you!  Might have to try something different on my next bloodfeud! -- Polarius

Bookie -- Ya know...I think Jhans is becoming more dangerous than Iraq.  I've started
making my warriors wear their armor to the Lucas Lounge! -- Polarius

Kathleen -- Congrats! -- Kerry Bear

Wow, someone avoided Blitzkrieg...!?!  Damn, after the last 3 turns you'd think I'd
be the most challenged team! -- Polarius

Trojan Man -- My god!  I'm glad you finally stopped hitting Union! -- Polarius

Too many people writing, not enough time:  #1 Polarius, at least someone here has a
brain, thanks for speaking up.  I almost feel bad for slamming on the spy reports.
#2 Azrael, who are you and why should I care about you?  #3 Sylvester Frothingslosh,
I actually respect you.  I've seen you around and have known you for some time.  I'll
mix it up here with you if you'd like; however, it's not my goal to take a leak in
your cheerios.  Heck, I like the Frothingslosh clan, they are quite friendly to me at
the tournaments.  Hats off to Eric!  #4 Bookie, I am torn, do I stay quiet as that
seems to tick you off or do I speak, giving you ammunition.  I heard it's better to
keep your mouth shut and let people wonder if you are an idiot rather than open it
and dispel all doubt.  Well, now that you've shown what you truly are, I think I'll
keep my mouth shut. -- Shocking Toad

Shocking Toad manages the Duelmaster.  Shocking Toad manages the Duelmaster.
Shocking Toad manages the Duelmaster.  Shocking Toad manages the Duelmaster.
Shocking Toad manages the Duelmaster.  Shocking Toad manages the Duelmaster.
Shocking Toad manages the Duelmaster.  Shocking Toad manages the Duelmaster.
Shocking Toad manages the Duelmaster.  Shocking Toad manages the Duelmaster.

Spymaster -- Please list the managers and their teams.  Most people here are gunning
for me so I may as well know who they are.  Thanks! -- Shocking Toad

Bookie, Communism is Un-American so Communists are Un-American.  Fascism is Un-
American so Fascists are Un-American.  Totalitarianism is Un-American so those that
support a Totalitarian regime are Un-American.  If you fit these any of these
categories, you bet your butt you are Un-American and I have no problem speaking the
truth.  The S.O.B. that said Toad should get two bullets while Hussein and Bin Laden
should survive the day is a perfect example!  I have spoken, it is truth! -- Shocking
Toad the Righteous

     So Jhans has become the political arena? -- Ed.

Rillion -- You either had a severe amount of input errors or you're trying to throw
fights to get your champ class warrior low enough to be your flag bearer.  What's
next, a clone? :) -- Sylvester "Pillar of Virtue" Frothingslosh

Ripples -- It isn't my "presence" that is so overwhelming.  Drop by the guild house
and we'll discuss it over wine and frog legs. -- Sylvester

     Frog legs?  Why frog legs?  Or do I not want to know. -- Ed.

Mordraith -- It's good to be back in Jhans.  Thanks for the welcome. -- Sylvester

Oblivious -- Umm, yeah I guess you can say I scalped you. -- The Dark

Jekyll -- Dysfunctional is putting mildly.... -- Sylvester

Azrael -- Tantric dying kinda hurt, but that is how the game goes.  You get on
streaks and then stuff happens.  His replacement, Funky, is pretty good.  And my new
replacements are pretty good.  So maybe I can get them back in the groove. --

Cosmo -- I hope the hotel security at the face isn't too tough.  But, if they do kick
you out, I'll run your stuff for you!  *grin* -- Polarius

Jekyll -- By the time you read this you will know whether or not you have also killed
Funky.  I certainly hope not.  Bloodfeuding you with her is very risky but a loss
(not a death) is worth the skills. -- Polarius

Bookie -- Do you hear that music...?  Hmmm...I hear it too.  In fact I hear it every
time I walk into a room! -- Polarius

Jhans -- What is it with the Chaos manager names?  Ok...Flagg rhymes with...ok...you
get it.  Assamite...assistite...whatever his name is.  Then we've got the Stroker...I
mean come on!  Do you guys cross dress on the side? -- Polarius
P.S.  I bet their favorite movie is the one where Patrick Swayze and Wesley Snipes
are drag queens!!!  When they act it out they all argue over which one is Swayze!

Bookie -- I'm glad I'm not one of those Americans who think everyone who thinks
different than me is a "Commie."  I just think they are all poor twisted minds, a
product of today's "entitlement" society. -- Polarius

Jhans -- You know, it is kinda funny when Bookie can get away with a warrior named
Sandpaper Condom and I can't get away with French Tickler.  I mean French Hamster is
ok...I mean the French probably do some weird things with hamsters and gerbils but I
liked my original name better. -- Polarius

I hope everyone read Jekyll's post in the forums on the website.  I can really
appreciate someone who speaks his mind like Jekyll.  Everyone should buy him a drink
at the Lucas Lounge! -- Polarius

Sylvester -- Sorry for the big DC.  I didn't realize (or wasn't thinking) that Wolf
Pack was yours.  You just keep The Dark away from my guys and I can assure you I'll
avoid big DC's. -- Polarius

Ghetto King -- If you'd get some initiative and start voting Republican you can help
yourself and move up from the ghetto. -- Blood Moon

To all the warriors in the Champs -- THANKS TO THE GODS that I am no longer with you
guys!  Filling out my challenges was like picking my poison! -- Kerry Bear

Bookie -- You might wanna watch out with the Doc Steele references.  He may follow
you into the restroom at the face.  That could be ugly! -- Polarius

The Chads/Rillion -- Aw-HA!!!  Finally we meet.  So you're the guy who beat up on my
home arena while I was gone and got a DA guy named after yourself.  I can see that
your team is stacked a bit (and TV challenging to throw fights, tsk tsk) but I assure
you THIS time things are gonna be a lot more...challenging for you than before. --
P.S.  Keep tossin fights...it'll get you killed in here.  *evil grin*

Porn In A Barn -- SCRAGGLES!!!!!!  What the froth up?  Hehe.  Welcome back to Jhans!!
Looks like I gave ya the formal welcoming with a kill last turn.  (Hey...don't be mad

at me...your guy went for the kill FIRST!)  I know you don't hardly ever write or
read ads anymore but try to talk just a bit.  It's more fun with vocals.  *evil grin*
G'luck in the upcoming contest!! -- Bookie

Sylvester/Ultra-bomb -- You mind nudging Scraggles for me and tell him I wrote him.
I know he won't even read it unless you do.  *grin*  Thanks, Jim. -- Bookie

Toad -- HA HA FROTH'N HA....  Finally get a l'il revenge for the kills you've had on
me in Osksi.  But what gets me is the fact that it took EIGHT hits after the death
intent statement to make you go down.  I think Blackjack liquefied Daddy's head for
him.  *shudder*  Man, that crap was messy.  And you know somebody gotta clean it up.
(I noticed Silver Stroke in an orange jumpsuit pushing a mop earlier...hmmmm.)
Anyway...here's what I got for ya Toad:  If you got a single hair on the ole Toad
sack you'll bloodfeud me with Pink Bear.  C'mon, give my three fight guy a shot at
the throne.  See ya when I see ya.... -- Bookie

Sylvester -- You're lucky that you and Tony didn't have a long deep conversation with
Black Peter when you went on that beer run in Baltimore wasn't it...?  And you know
Black Peter...he just won't shut up.  He's always gettin' sick.  Throwin' up.  I'm
glad you avoided him while you were in...the ghetto....  <Elvis backup singers:  the
ghettooooooo>  WTF?  Man, I need to put the pipe down...wwwooooooo. -- Bookie

<crotch chop for Toad>

Manray/Marquis -- Hey man.  Just read on the forum or the roundtable (can't remember
which) about you droppin out of the game partially.  (Though I do appreciate you said
you were gonna stick around for this.  *grin*)  We all go through the phases of
enjoying the game and sometimes people cut back but I hope you don't walk away from
the game completely.  Maybe Jhans will become the one arena that even if you're sick
of DM you'll still wanna play.  Hope you stick around. -- Bookie/Mike
P.S.  <this is back in character>  Nice 1-7 there buddy....

Chicken Tender from Porn in A Barn -- OMFG that's the funniest crap I've heard in a
while....  *snicker*  At least Alf's (now I'm visualizing that little 80's show...
yikes!) warrior names are entertaining.  *grin* -- Bookie

<Froth me tender...Froth me sweet...ne'er...let me go....>  Hehe.

Mordraith -- So, we gonna find Neon's room and grind our feet on his bed yelling
"froth your couche, Neon!!" at the face? -- Bookie
P.S.  Man, what kind of idiot would go and rub his feet all over somebody's bed....
Yea I remember grinding my feet on Neon's bed.  Cocaine's a helluva drug....

     You guys do the oddest things for amusement. -- Ed.

Mithril -- Welcome to Jhans (since you should have made it this turn).  Good to have
you here. -- Bookie

kLk -- Mithril is one of the guys I message on my comp.  He's cool.  Don't treat him
like the rest of the flock, ok?  *laugh* -- Bookie
P.S.  Intro yourselves again...we keep getting new people every turn.

Iver -- I hate your whole team.  Grrrrr. -- Shadow Starr
P.S.  Your team name is probably one of the reasons RSI took team names out of the
address.  I could just see the postal service freakin out over a letter with
"ANARKYSTS" in the title these days.  But then again, I bet Memphis Mafia probably
got me put on a FBI list back in the day.  Hehe. -- Bookie

Hey Ed.?  Has Saint got her 'electric pigeon' fixed?  Think we could get that manager
listing this turn? -- Bookie

     Way ahead of you.  It's at the top of the personals. -- The Saint, keeper of

Cosmo/UC -- Wow.  You talked!!  How long has it been since YOU sent in an ad?  Good
to see you can still speak.  *grin* -- Bookie
P.S.  Tony...hey Tony...answer me...I know you're getting these...Tony....step away
from the porn slowly...and NO WINKING!!
P.P.S.  Who's your Uncle?

Jekyll -- Champs gettin crowded.  Been awhile since they were.  G'luck chasin' the
throne. -- Bookie, who wants ANYTHING but Pink Bear on the throne
P.S.  Huggy WILL be avoiding Trojan so don't even think about it

Now for a short reading from the book of revelation.

Polarius got his turn and read it.  He saw that we had gone one and four.  Polarius
     Rev 1:3-4  KJV

French Hamster -- Bwwa...bwwaa haa...bwwahahahahahahahaha.  Oh gods, when RSI changes
a name for you THEY REALLY CHANGE IT GOOD....  A hamster with a very thin cigarette
and a beret.  *snicker*  Oh gods that hurts.... -- Bookie

Hey Editor...on my Bookie's Brothel team I was thinking of using Ripples Dorrigan's
sister Nipples Dorrigan.  You think any chance that'd get by the warrior censorship?
Puuhhhh leeassssseeeeee. -- Bookie

     I'm afraid that's a different department.  You'll just have to try it and find
     out. -- Ed. the unhelpful

Chester -- You're bein' awful quiet.  Hopefully by time you get this turn I'll have
written you.  I've been sooo busy.  Computer crashed on me and stuff so I've not
forgotten ya.  Just goin crazy multitaskin'.  Tell Baph I lost his address so if he'd
send it again I'd appreciate it.  Sorry, hectic days...crazy nights.... -- Bookie
P.S.  Drips is in the story this turn.  Hope you like.

Twisted -- Welcome to Jhans.  Now get out of my way.... *grin* -- Bookie

Due to censoring of "Jew Jitsu" (now that's funny...) to Ju Jitsu (NOT funny) the
warrior has been renamed:  SCRAGGLE ROCK. -- Bookie

dance your cares away
worries for another day
let the music play
down at SCRAGGLE ROCK!!!
work your cares away
dancing for another day
let the kLk play
down in SCRAGGLE ROCK!!!
-- Scraggle Rock

Kerry Bear --( whispering)  Wednesday at 2, right?  *wink* -- Bookie

Bookie -- Ya know, "Silver Stroke" sounds like something a man would buy for himself
in an adult book store.  Disgusting.  Wonder if that is where he got the idea for the
manager name? -- Polarius

Azrael -- When I think of the team name "Flagg's Chaos 5" I think of the Bravo TV
show QEFTSG! -- Polarius

Bibbidy -- Wait...I thought you were dead....  ATTENTION EVERYONE...I think Bibbidy
is a CLONE!  Oh my...is Jiles in here? -- Polarius

Toad -- I see you lost your daddy, ha, ha.  I'll be your daddy. -- Turtle

Top Team -- Again.  All bow to me. -- Turtle

Miscount -- TV challenge, this far out, Basher, nothing but large shields, hmmm,
intentionally lost right?  Sand bagging for the next contest right?  No, no fall down
go klk boom!  You will not make the contest, boy. -- Turtle

Battering Ram -- You might wanna call yourself battering chicken. -- Scorpine

     Now that's an odd picture. -- Ed.

Silverstroke -- Shut your frothin' face, uncle frother. -- Turtle

Animated Destruction -- Battering Ram, Straw Golem, Flying Blade, Dancing Bones, hmm,
like MAGIC do we?  Would have used the Mox's myself. -- Azrael

French Hamster -- Oh we, we.  I like that even more, Polarius. -- Azrael, still
snickering at this

Chaos -- (whistle, whistle)  Here boys, c'mon, Good Chaos. -- Azrael, Lord of The

Slayin' Stayner -- You need to invest in decent weapons.  They break too much. --
Skirza Slapstik

Arachne -- You win; I give up. -- Jealousy Rains

Wastem Wuornos -- Will you just frothin' die already!! -- Azrael

Bookie -- I know it DRAITH, not DROITH.  Don't blame me; blame my elementary school
teachers for not stressing clean handwriting. -- Azrael

     It's never too late to start. -- Ed.

Matrix -- Damn, you came back.  Holy Slash. -- Azrael, kLk 4 Life

Toad -- Guess Bookie's your daddy for real now, huh? -- Azrael

Polarius -- Silverstroker isn't talking his talk from outside the gates.  He's
sending it carrier pigeon. -- Azrael

25 May 2004
                                 TEN TURNS OF HELL:
                        The KLK Capture The Flag Competition

In the spirit of the ongoing effort to make arena play what it used to be (FUN!!), I
am proud to announce the KLK Capture The Flag Competition.  The competition will be
held in Jhans (DM-36, which has, by the way, grown in size equal to Talcama already).
:)  We are announcing this contest early to allow managers time to prep.

     -- On turn 462 (due 8/4/04) the lowest ranked warrior on your team is given your
team's 'flag' (he is your initial flag defender).
     -- Starting on turn 463 (due 8/18/04) flags will be defended every turn and turn
463 is the turn scoring will begin.
     -- Fights involving flags are winners-take-all and a warrior can carry as many
flags as he can win.
     -- If a warrior holding a flag either A) goes inactive, B) loses to a stand-by
warrior or C) gets DA'd, he forfeits all flags he has and they are returned the their
original team's lowest ranked warrior.
     -- If you hold your own flag on an inactive warrior you receive NO POINTS that
     -- If a warrior graduates to AD holding flags starting on the next turn those
flags will be defended by the lowest ranked warrior on the team of the graduating
     -- Scoring as follows for each turn:
          2 pts -- possession of your own team flag
          1 pt -- possession any other flag
          1 pt -- for each win
          1 pt -- for each kill
          1 pt -- for each award you receive in the newsletter
     -- You may enter as many teams as you like (per RSI rules) but each team is its
own entry.
     -- Tie-Breaker goes to the team that had the most points from flags.
     -- If still tied the tie-breaker will be the team that had the most points from
kills.  (It's the Delarq way.)
     -- The contest lasts 10 turns and there will be prizes for 1st, 2nd and 3rd
(based on highest point totals)

Prizes: (what you've been waiting on)
1st -- 3 know favorites potions*
       DA warrior named after winning manager
2nd -- 2 know favorites potions*
3rd -- 1 know favorites potion*

* These are full favorite potions (weapon, rhythms and tactics) and can only be used
on warriors with at least 4 FE.

     How's that for paying out? (grin)  Even if you think that it's all about the TC,
these prizes should be enough to draw you in.  (You know who you are.)
     I hope to see friend and foe alike come to Jhans.  Legion, Froths, and all the
others...this is your personal invite.  Can you win?  Can you survive 10 turns of
Hell in Jhans?
     Note:  Special thanks to RSI for helping make this contest possible.  Thanks

KLK Alliance
Director Jhans' Board of Tourism
Warden of the Froth Circle (grin)
D.R.C. 4 Life

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

THE DARK viciously butchered RILLION in a crowd pleasing 4 minute Dark Arena fight.
AXION was murdered by RILLION in a 1 minute Dark Arena melee.
POCOHONTAS murdered BLACK ORC in a action packed 1 minute bloody Dark Arena fight.
MAGGOT CHOW was butchered by WURM KIN in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
MOON HUNTRESS was slain by HIGH ELF in a 1 minute Dark Arena match.
ATOMIC ORANGE was dealt death by SUPERIOR MANAGER in a 1 minute Dark Arena brawl.
CHICKEN TENDER was dispatched by MOUNTAIN TROLL in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
SHAKE was butchered by SUPERIOR MANAGER in a 1 minute gory Dark Arena competition.
HOT MAMA was put to death by RILLION in a 2 minute gruesome Dark Arena melee.
BUGONMYWINDSHIELD was slaughtered by WURM KIN in a 1 minute gory Dark Arena duel.
TANYA was slaughtered by RIPPLES DORRIGAN in a 1 minute Dark Arena duel.
SEXY COW was assassinated by HIGH ELF in a 1 minute brutal Dark Arena fight.
CHADE was put to death by BANDIT PRINCE in a 2 minute Dark Arena bout.
NBK was narrowly killed by BLACK ORC in a exciting 1 minute Dark Arena match.
KIN was dealt death by SLIPPERS MCGHEE in a 2 minute Dark Arena conflict.
DUD THE BLUNDER FROG was butchered by WURM KIN in a 2 minute Dark Arena battle.
MASON was executed by SUPERIOR MANAGER in a 1 minute Dark Arena conflict.
XIMO was barely slain by BLACK ORC in a action packed 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
COCKROACH was assassinated by RILLION in a 1 minute gruesome Dark Arena struggle.
NEXUS was easily killed by HIGH ELF in a crowd pleasing 1 minute Dark Arena bout.
FUNKY COLD MEDINA was bested by TROJAN MAN in a 1 minute Bloodfeud brawl.
CANIS LUPUS was subdued by PINK BEAR in a 2 minute veteran's Challenge Title bout.
KATHLEEN savagely defeated SKIRZA SLAPSTIK in a 2 minute mismatched Challenge fight.
UNION JACK luckily beat MARCIE in a action packed 4 minute brutal Challenge fight.
REAPER was savagely defeated by SLAYIN STAYNER in a 6 minute Challenge fray.
ARACHNE devastated SCORPINE in a 2 minute gory one-sided Challenge bout.
... A HORSE overpowered JEALOUSY RAINS in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
PROWLER was overpowered by ANOTHER BLANKEE in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
GAMBIT was overpowered by DISCHORDIA in a exciting 1 minute uneven Challenge match.
DONNA THE HUNTRESS lost to COSMIC TRIGGER in a 1 minute novice's Challenge fray.
SCRAGGLE ROCK overcame DOUBLE-O-ZERO in a 1 minute amateur's Challenge bout.
THE BEAST narrowly defeated LUCKY STRIKE in a 6 minute novice's Challenge fight.
ROUGH RIDER viciously subdued ELECTROMIC in a 2 minute novice's Challenge fight.
FNORD overpowered HEPCAT in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
HAY RIDE was overpowered by BADDA BANG in a 1 minute uneven Challenge bout.
PIXIE DUST subdued WASTEM WUORNOS in a action packed 3 minute Challenge contest.
DONNA overpowered ENEMY SABOTEUR in a 1 minute one-sided struggle.
HUGGY BEAR was subdued by MORACH RAZH in a 2 minute struggle.
GHETTO KING was executed by KERRY BEAR in a 2 minute brutal one-sided fray.
BADDA BAMM was luckily beaten by OBLIVIOUS in a exciting 3 minute gruesome conflict.
PSYCHO PROCTOLOGIST overpowered BLACKJACK in a 1 minute uneven bout.
KILL'EM KREPP was overpowered by GROPING CHICKENS in a 1 minute one-sided competition.
SLASHIN' SPECK overcame SUBZERO in a 1 minute duel.
MISERY beat DEVASTATOR in a 1 minute fight.
HUNGOVER subdued BROWN KITTY TOO in a action packed 3 minute bloody duel.
BLOOD MOON demolished LUCA in a crowd pleasing 1 minute gory uneven conflict.
ILSARIA was bested by TITANIC in a crowd pleasing 3 minute match.
CY handily defeated FRATSFA SLAVE in a 1 minute one-sided conflict.
PIGFEED PICKTAN was overpowered by PRINCE OF LIES in a 1 minute one-sided fight.
THE LAST TRUMP savagely defeated MISCOUNT in a 2 minute gory duel.
SHADOW STARR was luckily beaten by SKUNK #1 in a popular 3 minute fray.
MORVAANA unbelievably bested CLOVER in a exciting 3 minute duel.
DRIVER savagely defeated DIMPLED in a 3 minute brutal conflict.
CONFESSION was subdued by CAVEMAN in a 2 minute veteran vs. novice upset battle.
SNOW CRASH was handily defeated by THE LAMB in a exciting 1 minute mismatched contest.
RUH-ROH, RHAGGY was bested by YERN'N FER'N URN in a 2 minute bloody novice's battle.
FRENCH HAMSTER was savagely defeated by CORDELLIAROG in a 2 minute novice's brawl.
INDESTRUCTIBLE IV devastated LEOTSU in a 1 minute one-sided brawl.
SANDPAPER CONDOM savagely slew WILLY'S WONDER in a popular 5 minute amateur's duel.
JACK RIPPER devastated HAMLETROG in a 1 minute mismatched conflict.
BIBIDY-BOBIDY-BOO overpowered FURIOUS INHALER in a 1 minute one-sided match.
OPHELIAROG vanquished DIVIT in a 1 minute mismatched match.
PROBLEM demolished BRUTUSROG in a 1 minute one-sided conflict.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|LUNGING ATTACK                  28         TOTAL PARRY       50 -  26 -  1      66  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                 16         WALL OF STEEL     35 -  22 -  1      61  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                 14         PARRY-LUNGE        5 -   5 -  0      50  |
|WALL OF STEEL                   11         BASHING ATTACK    37 -  40 -  2      48  |
|TOTAL PARRY                     10         LUNGING ATTACK   107 - 119 -  9      47  |
|AIMED BLOW                       9         STRIKING ATTACK   48 -  57 - 10      46  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   8         SLASHING ATTACK   23 -  44 -  3      34  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      3         AIMED BLOW        14 -  29 -  1      33  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     3         PARRY-STRIKE       6 -  18 -  1      25  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    2         PARRY-RIPOSTE      3 -  17 -  0      15  |

Turn 458 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

PARRY-LUNGE        3 -  0     LUNGING ATTACK    12 - 16         5  WALL OF STEEL  
TOTAL PARRY        7 -  3     SLASHING ATTACK    6 -  8         3  LUNGING ATTACK 
PARRY-STRIKE       2 -  1     WALL OF STEEL      4 -  7         1  AIMED BLOW     
STRIKING ATTACK    8 -  8     AIMED BLOW         3 -  6         1  STRIKING ATTACK
                              PARRY-RIPOSTE      0 -  2         1  BASHING ATTACK 
                              BASHING ATTACK     0 -  8     

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
WALL OF STEEL    PINK BEAR 5883             20  10  1  119 LITTLE GIRLS LIKE... (515)
LUNGING ATTACK   DONNA 5966                 10   6  0  103 BABES (416)
STRIKING ATTACK  KERRY BEAR 3994            11   9  1   90 BLITZKRIEG (271)
BASHING ATTACK   HUGGY BEAR 6002            11   5  0   73 SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
TOTAL PARRY      UNION JACK 6015            13   1  0   65 BLITZKRIEG (271)
AIMED BLOW       HUNGOVER 3723              12   3  0   58 ALMOST! (316)
SLASHING ATTACK  CY 6234                     5   3  0   57 CLAN BATTLEAXE II (550)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is KERRY BEAR 3994.  The most popular warrior this turn 
was SLAYIN STAYNER 5891.  The ten other most popular fighters were MARCIE 6076, PIXIE 
5999, BADDA BAMM 6075, CLOVER 5959, HOT MAMA 6149, and ARACHNE 5712.

The least popular fighter this week was THE BEAST 6296.  The other ten least popular 
fighters were BRUTUSROG 6226, DIVIT 5974, HAMLETROG 6227, WILLY'S WONDER 5717, LEOTSU 
4655, FRENCH HAMSTER 6294, DIMPLED 5776, LUCA 4653, DEVASTATOR 6079, and KILL'EM 
KREPP 5892.

The following warriors have traveled to AD after fighting this turn:

KATHLEEN (36-5865) BABES (416)