Date   : 01/06/2005    Duedate: 01/19/2005


DM-36    TURN-473

This Weeks Top Honors


(36-6370) [12-0-0,135]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

TIMBER LION                    AUGUST
WOLFCATS (556)                 CHOP'S PRIDE (573)
(36-6370) [12-0-0,135]         (36-6659) [3-0-0,23]

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

KERRY BEAR                     SLAYIN STAYNER
BLITZKRIEG (271)               ANARKYSTS (341)
(36-3994) [20-13-1,111]        (36-5891) [13-12-1,52]



Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. THE FALLEN (524)            43
2. THE DREAMING (529)          39      WOLFCATS (556)
3. TEAM SKARABRAE (571)        33      Unchartered Team
4. PORN IN A BARN (551)        29
5. SPACE WOLVES (523)          27      CHOP'S PRIDE (573)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 1 WOLFCATS (556)            33  11  1 75.0   1/ 9 KAMIKAZI (533)            9  6 0
 2/ 2 THE CHADS (482)          111  69  6 61.7   2/ 1 WOLFCATS (556)            8  6 1
 3- 3*COLONY (575)               3   2  0 60.0   3/ 7 BLITZKRIEG (271)          8  6 0
 4/ 5 SKATE DRAGONS (500)       42  29  4 59.2   4/ 8 THE FALLEN (524)          8  7 1
 5/ 4 REVELATION (543)         124  86  8 59.0   5- 5 MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)    7  3 0
 6- 6 SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)     75  65  5 53.6   6/18 ANARKYSTS (341)           7  8 0
 7- 7 5440 OR FIGHT! (336)     239 208 35 53.5   7/ 3 THE CHADS (482)           7  8 0
 8/ 8 KAMIKAZI (533)            65  57  4 53.3   8/11 SKATE DRAGONS (500)       6  2 0
 9/ 9 LEGENDARY BASTARDS (259) 305 274 21 52.7   9- 4 SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)     6  4 0
10/13 THE DREAMING (529)        53  48  4 52.5  10/ 6 PORN IN A BARN (551)      6  8 1
11/10 BABES (416)              231 216  9 51.7  11/17 LEGENDARY BASTARDS (259)  6  8 0
12-11 HELTER SKELTER (256)     528 498 32 51.5  12/15 THE DREAMING (529)        6  8 0
13/12 BLITZKRIEG (271)         176 170 14 50.9  13- 2*THE BEARS (565)           5  5 1
14/15 BLIND HYPOCRISY (504)     67  72  9 48.2  14/13 BABES (416)               5  5 0
15/16 THE FALLEN (524)          70  76  5 47.9  15-14*RAW SEWAGE (559)          4  4 0
16-14 EXQUISITE CORPS II (546)  22  24  0 47.8  16/25*CHOP'S PRIDE (573)        4  5 0
17/18 ANARKYSTS (341)          351 408 37 46.2  17-10 BOOKIE'S BROTHEL (554)    4  6 0
18/17 PORN IN A BARN (551)      36  42  3 46.2  18-22*COLONY (575)              3  2 0

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
19-19 MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)    35  42  8 45.5  19-16 HELTER SKELTER (256)      3  5 0
20/24*CHOP'S PRIDE (573)         5   6  0 45.5  20/20 SCARRY TEAM (325)         3  6 0
21-20 PAST TENSE (28)           48  58  1 45.3  21/28 BLIND HYPOCRISY (504)     3  7 1
22-21 LITTLE GIRLS LIKE. (515)  78 101 13 43.6  22/12 REVELATION (543)          3  7 0
23-22*THE BEARS (565)           16  21  3 43.2  23-23*ILL INVADERS (7)          2  2 0
24-23 BOOKIE'S BROTHEL (554)    25  33  2 43.1  24-21 5440 OR FIGHT! (336)      2  3 0
25-25*ILL INVADERS (7)          12  17  0 41.4  25/ 0*TEAM SKARABRAE (571)      2  3 0
26-26*RAW SEWAGE (559)           7  10  0 41.2  26-26*JUGGERNAUTS (570)         1  1 0
27/27 SCARRY TEAM (325)        143 209  4 40.6  27-19 EXQUISITE CORPS II (546)  1  3 0
28-28*JUGGERNAUTS (570)          1   2  0 33.3  28-24*GIRLS X3 (572)            1  4 0
29-29*GIRLS X3 (572)             3   7  1 30.0  29/29*SPACE WOLVES (523)        1  6 0
30/ 0*TEAM SKARABRAE (571)       3  12  0 20.0  30-30 LITTLE GIRLS LIKE. (515)  0  2 0
31/30*SPACE WOLVES (523)         1  15  0  6.3  31-27 PAST TENSE (28)           0  1 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                    TEAM SPOTLIGHT

      * }%|[-----+O+-----]|%{ * }%|[-----+O+-----]|%{ * }%|[-----+O+-----]|%{ *

                             "Turn Around Is Fair Play"

     Azrael looked down at the report and smiled.  He had been spotted at three
different locations across town that day and one had apparently entertained Iver and
two of his relatives.  Quite the show had obviously occurred between his impersonator
and Iver.
     "Like everyone doesn't already know that the only tavern I frequent is the
Loucas Lounge, so expertly managed by Talon," Azrael chuckled to himself.
     His countenance quickly became stern however, as he contemplated the banner
exchange.  From all accounts it had been genuine.
     "It had to be Mordraith's or Polarius'," Azrael spoke aloud, "All the others are
accounted for."
     "My Lord?" asked Azrael's personal bodyguard, Jealousy Rains, as she entered the
throne room deep inside the Fallen's guildhouse affectionately known as The Pit.
     "Oh, Jealousy, nothing luv.  Just musing over today's reports.  Seems I was
spotted at three different places today." replied Azrael.
     "Only three!?  The last guy you caught impersonating you must have made a good
example." said Jealousy, "Kinda hard to impersonate with no nose."
     Azrael laughed and responded, "Yes, I imagine it would be difficult.  Anyway,
summon T"Hael and her Sweeps, I have work for them.  And prep for a trip, dear, we
have business tonight."
     "Yes My Lord." Jealousy said as she bowed and exited.

     Later that night at the guildhouse of the Anarkysts, Iver's bedchamber.

     Asleep with his two streetwalkers, Amber and Ginger, Iver was awakened by a
malevolent presence in his room.
     "Ginger!!  Amber!  To arms, someone's here!!" Iver yelled as he scrambles for
his weapon in the candle lit room.
     The two girls immediately rolled, unseen weapons coming to guard.  The two
extremely well trained and deadly women attacked, their battle senses and the candles
gleaming off the black and silver armour leading them immediately to the beautiful
woman standing directly in the middle of the room.  The battle was fierce and
aggressive. It lasted exactly ninety-one seconds, the outcome was never in doubt.
     "Jealousy, don't kill them luv, they're just doing their job."
     "Yes my..." Jealousy started as she was interrupted by Iver.
     "Who, who are you?" asked Iver.
    "Illuminate," commanded Azrael and all the candles and torches in the room blazed
as a man in black and red scalemail stepped forward, silver cape billowing.  "I am
the one true Azrael, Lord High Commander of the kLk alliance, and you are Iver,
Warlord of DOOMcorps."
     "Y-yuh-you aren'ttt tha tha the m-m-man I met today," stammered Iver.
     "How observant," said Azrael with just a hint of sarcasm.
     Iver suddenly attempted to strike Azrael with his weapon, only to be casually
parried by the fiery blade that suddenly appeared in Azrael's hand.
     "Please, we're not here for violence", said Azrael, as he glanced at Jealousy,
"Well, I'm not anyway."
     Iver stammered, "Wha-whu-what d-d-do you want?"
     "Whom was that little, uhm, incident that you had with, hmph, 'me'," Azrael
scoffed at the notion anyone would mistake him for the man T"Hael brought in,
"engineered by?"
     "Ah-I don't know, no one, I guess," replied Iver.
     "Please, we know it was Mordraith or Polarius' banner.  You're saying you knew
nothing of it?  That you weren't involved?" questioned Azrael.
     "I swear, I know nothing." Iver pleaded.
     "Where is the banner?" asked Azrael.
     "The bathroom," replieed Iver, "the bathroom."
     "Fetch it." commanded Azrael.
     Iver got up and began walking to the bathroom, bow-legged and obviously in pain.
     "Wait a moment, never mind," laughed Azrael, "I'll get it as you obviously can't
walk well.  I can guess why it's in the bathroom."
     Azrael walked into the bathroom and emerged moments later with the perfectly
clean banner.  Iver looked at him with a pained and questioning look.
     "Anti-defilement spells," stated Azrael, "Your buddies could have told you.
Ahhh, this is Mordraith's banner.  He never deserved it, you know.  We only allowed
him in because Talon and he had past involvement.  Oh, you'll want to get that looked
at soon. In a couple of days it will start to boil and burst and that's when it gets
really bad, I hear."
      Azrael turned and looks directly at Iver and asked," Who rules Jhans?"
     Iver bowed his head and stated, "The kLk."
     Azrael motioned Jealousy to the door and said, "You would do well to remember
that. I'll leave you a reminder."
      He gestured and the kLk insignia scorched itself into the DOOMcorps emblem
carved into the wall over the bed.  As they started to exit the room Jealousy stopped
in front of the two cringing girls.
     "My Lord, these two wouldn't be too bad if they were cleaned up a little, you
know?" said Jealousy to her Lord.
     "You can have them for two nights, then return them.  Deluminate." Azrael
     All the lights in the room were extinguished and Jealousy said, "Come on,
girls."  With one last fearful glance at their disgraced master, the still whimpering
girls followed hotly on the heels of their new mistress.
     And Iver was left alone, bathed in the fiery glow of the kLk emblem on the wall.

      * }%|[-----+O+-----]|%{ * }%|[-----+O+-----]|%{ * }%|[-----+O+-----]|%{ *

     Unbeknownst to Iver...I was in the tavern the night he spoke of.  And, the story
he tells is not the one I saw.  So, allow me to tell you what really transpired.
This way, you at least get to know the truth....
     The rain beat heavily, pounding out a staccato on the leaking tin roof.
Periodically, lightning would arc across the sky illuminating the horizon.  Thunder
boomed as the heavens poured out their displeasure on the earthly inhabitants.
     Shaking off the water, I entered The Palpitating Pig, home of Iver and his
harlots.  Looking around, I spotted a rickety table with tree stumps for stools.  I
walked across the muddy floor and took a seat in the gloomy corner.  Candles burned
as the smell of sweat, and an ammonia stench combined to make my stomach wretch.
     Sitting off my himself, I noticed one of the klk alliance boys.  He had
something in front of him that others might call victuals, but I call trash.  He also
had a tumbler full of some dark, amber liquid.  Each time he took a bite of his food,
he quickly took a swallow from his glass, although I'm not sure he liked it that much
either because he kept gagging as he drank.
     My clothes began to steam as they dried off.  Fortunately, the fire in the
hearth burnt brightly and was warm.  Otherwise, I might have gotten up and shaken the
stench of this place from me.  Hopefully, in years to come, I'd forget I'd ever even
patronized such a dump.  Surely, I would mark upon my map not to do so in the future.
Nor would I recommend it to others.
     After a few moments, I spotted a man, if you could call him that, approaching
Azrael.  He stood about four feet tall and not an inch above.  His hair hung in
sparse strings and his beard appeared to be filled with fleas.  His clothes were
beyond repair and a decent person would have thrown them in the fire long before and
just gone naked.  His face was covered with warts and moles, which is why I could not
seem to take my eyes from him.  An uglier personage I'd never seen before.  By his
side, I saw two gnomes with him in attire much as his.  The difference was, they wore
smocks instead of breeches.  These must be the infamous hags called Amber and Ginger.
They had been known to waylay weary travelers and perform heinous deeds on them.  Not
a victim was ever to regain his sensibilities.  Their hair also hung in stringlets
and they had protuberances from their faces that could be described as nothing less
than "bulbous noses."  Each had at least one wart upon their nose and protruding
chin.  I think I can safely say that a few long strands of black hair grew from each
of the warts.
     "What is it...Conniver...Drivel...Snivell...whatever your name is," Azrael
     "Well at least you didn't call me Nunzio.  I got this ugly from drinking that
Frothing Swill," the beast called Iver said matter-of-factly, "do you mind if we
     "Of course, I mind," Az told him, snatching back the chair Iver had begun to sit
on.  "The last thing I want is for folks to think we're associated!"
     "Actually, I just wanted you to know that I've decided to return home to
DOOMCorps and must turn down your offer.  I know it was made from pity, but...I must
be with my own kind," Iver stated pointedly.
     "I accept this," Az said.
     His declaration came just before a burst of laughter wracked his body.  Amber
had winked at him and began to do disgusting things to herself right in front of him.
Had is not been so hilariously funny...to think that Amber thought herself so
attractive...he might have left in disgust.  Azrael gave another groan as he imagined
what it might be like to bed such an ugly creature.
     "As I was saying," Iver started again, "I am no one's dupe and my Alliance with
DOOMCorps is a return to where I belong...home in the land of gnomes."
     The room had become quite still now, as everyone could not help but notice
Azrael's unmistakable agony and Ginger's toothless smile as she did such disgusting
things in the crowded room.
     "Have no fear for my safety.  We gnomes are the way we are.  Your sense of honor
is not ours.  Besides, when we are together, you can't tell us apart.  We sound the
same, look the same, are the same," Iver said before draining his glass, smacking his
fat lips together in what ordinarily might be called a smack of delight, "Besides,
Bookie scares us."
     Leaning inward, his breath causing Azrael's beard to curl and his eyes to water,
Iver said, "Run and tell your master that he and his horde of friends have nothing to
fear from me.  Just as Ultraist played the deceiver with Master Darque against
Abraxis...I too have my ways!"
     Grabbing his harlots, Iver crept and waddled across the room, looked outside and
got a frightened look on his face.  Leaning close to Ginger, he said, "I'm scared of
lightning.  Would you be my mommy tonight?"
     As they left the tavern, Ginger reached out a black and red swathe of cloth to
Iver.  "Look what I stole!" she exclaimed.
     "Good," he said, "just in case we ever get kicked out of DOOMCorps, we can
always start to fly that to save our lives."
                                    *     *     *
     And that, my friends, is the truth of the story.  I know.  I was there not four
feet from the whole debacle.  Afterwards, I had to go out back and wash the distaste
from my mouth.  Not only of the meal, but the happenings I'd seen.  Ugliness,
straight and unadulterated ugliness.

Baphomet, mgr. Chop's Pride

      * }%|[-----+O+-----]|%{ * }%|[-----+O+-----]|%{ * }%|[-----+O+-----]|%{ *

     "Ale all around," Azrael proudly said as the KlK celebrated in the Lucas Lounge.
     The mood was jovial as the KlK cheered the return of their stolen property.  As
soon the girls had returned earlier that day with the red and black banner Bookie
declared the day a holiday.  Bookie, Az, P, Brewer and even Turtle were all there for
the joyful occasion.
     Azrael savored his victory as he sat at a table between the girls who had
brought home the prize.  "Nothing could be better than one-upping DOOMcorps," he
     Azrael jumped as the loud slamming of the door awoke him from his sick perverted
dream.  A sense of panic immediately ran through his entire body as he heard the foot
steps coming down the hall.  It was not until he heard the soft sound of female
giggles that he felt more at ease.  He had fallen asleep while waiting for the girls
to return.
     "This must be them and if they are giggling their mission must have been
successful," he thought as he grinned an evil grin.
     Azrael's study was a small, dimly lit room.  There was a bookshelf on the far
wall.  It contained many books but they were all covered in a heavy layer of dust.
One would get the impression that the books were there for show and rarely got read.
     As the girls entered the study they stood in shadows just inside of the door.
The manager got a puzzled look on his face as he peered into the shadows.  He could
tell the women that stood in his study were not those he sent on the mission.  "Who
are you," he asked, "where are my girls?"
     "Your girls are fine," a voice answered from the shadows, "they were with Iver
when we left."  As ladies stepped from the shadows into the light Azrael's grin
turned into a grimace as he gazed at Ginger and Amber standing before him. Ginger
smiled at Azrael and handed him a neatly folded banner.  As he unfolded the banner a
look of shock came over the manager's face.  Here in his hands was indeed the coveted
red and black banner he sent his girls to take.
     "You didn't have to send someone to try to take it back, Mordraith has already
told you he doesn't want it." Amber said as she turned to follow Ginger back out of
the room.
     As Azrael listened to Ginger and Amber walk down the hall and out of the guild
he looked back down at the KlK banner.  Across the front of the banner, written in a
bright green, was a chilling message.
     Later that night as Azrael lie alone in his bed, sweat pouring from his head,
his body sticking to the sheets as he tossed and turned trying to go to sleep the
chilling message kept running through his mind...."DOOMcorps coming, DOOMcorps
coming, DOOMcorps coming."

      * }%|[-----+O+-----]|%{ * }%|[-----+O+-----]|%{ * }%|[-----+O+-----]|%{ *

                         ---===DELARQUAN REGIONAL NEWS===---

 DM   1 MORDANT (turn 512): GOOEYDUCK of LAB EXPERIMENTS (The Mun, mgr.)
 DM   2 NIANIA (turn 397): YELLOW PIKE of THE GOLDEN FISH (Nick, mgr.)
 DM   3 OSKSI (turn 517): DEWEY of GAMES LIBRARY (Nick, mgr.)
 DM   4 JHELUM (turn 513): KURT RAMBIS of PURPLE AND GOLD (Zalgor Prigg, mgr.)
 DM   6 TRANSEL (turn 516): THIRD OMEN of DARK PANTHEON (Doc Steele, mgr.)
 DM   7 BONSUR (turn 513): GOKU of WASTELAND II (The Muffin Man, mgr.)
 DM  10 KOLACT (turn 508): CYCLONE of THUNDERSTRIKERS (Zeus, mgr.)
 DM  18 TALCAMA (turn 499): MARY of SHEPHERDS (Assurnasirbanipal, mgr.)
 DM  21 SUNSET (turn 498): MINOS of SONS OF SATAN (Damion, mgr.)
 DM  36 COSMOWORLD (turn 472): TIMBER LION of WOLFCATS (Ultraist, mgr.)
 DM  38 CLIFFHOME (turn 463): BOB, ETERNAL, of SANDS OF TIME (The Muffin Man, mgr.)
 DM  39 XOCHITHLAN (turn 202): HOMEY CIDE of CRIMINAL ELEMENT (Fizban, mgr.)
 DM  42 RODEKI (turn 449): BOZO of CLOWNING AROUND (Assurnasirbanipal, mgr.)
 DM  51 TRICORUS (turn 398): SPIDER-MAN of WENSINWASIN M.H. (Youngblood, mgr.)
 DM  59 ILLIS (turn 177): SVAD BONEGRIN of DAMAGE INC. (Tripwire, mgr.)
 DM  62 VALAMANTIS (turn 348): BUS of PUBLIC TRANSIT (Assurnasirbanipal, mgr.)
 DM  72 DRAGONHEAD (turn 154): ORPHAN of X-POSSE (Savant, mgr.)
ADM 104 DARKHOLM (turn 391): TUM of FROM THE FACE from TALCAMA (Shocking Toad, mgr.)

                                      Top Teams
 DM   1 MORDANT (turn 512): MANNEQUIN'S BEST (Mannequin, mgr.)
 DM   2 NIANIA (turn 397): THE GOLDEN FISH (Nick, mgr.)
 DM   3 OSKSI (turn 517): FRAT PARTY BLOWOUT (The Anarchist, mgr.)
 DM   4 JHELUM (turn 513): PURPLE AND GOLD (Zalgor Prigg, mgr.)
 DM   5 KALTOS (turn 512): JOHNS (Dear, mgr.)
 DM   6 TRANSEL (turn 516): DARK PANTHEON (Doc Steele, mgr.)
 DM   7 BONSUR (turn 513): WASTELAND II (The Muffin Man, mgr.)
 DM  10 KOLACT (turn 508): TERRAPIN STATION (Floyd, mgr.)
 DM  18 TALCAMA (turn 499): PENTARCHIE-18 (The Pentalque, mgr.)
 DM  21 SUNSET (turn 498): GRIM FANDANGO (Stik, mgr.)
 DM  36 COSMOWORLD (turn 472): WOLFCATS (Ultraist, mgr.)
 DM  38 CLIFFHOME (turn 463): BOY O'S (Papa Bear, mgr.)
 DM  39 XOCHITHLAN (turn 202): CRIMINAL ELEMENT (Fizban, mgr.)
 DM  42 RODEKI (turn 449): COLOR ME SUAVE (Suave, mgr.)
 DM  51 TRICORUS (turn 398): DARK HORSEMEN (Nick, mgr.)
 DM  54 TROCAR (turn 189): KATHOUSE (Kat, mgr.)
 DM  59 ILLIS (turn 177): CHAPEL ROCK (Crip, mgr.)
 DM  62 VALAMANTIS (turn 348): MIDDLE WAY 10 (Nick, mgr.)
 DM  72 DRAGONHEAD (turn 154): X-POSSE (Savant, mgr.)
ADM 104 DARKHOLM (turn 391): ODD SQUAD, etc. (Doc Steele, mgr.)

                                   Recent Graduates
 DM   3 OSKSI (turn 517): DEWEY of GAMES LIBRARY (Nick, mgr.)
                          FROSTY of THE NUKES (Fusion, mgr.)
 DM   4 JHELUM (turn 512): EXCURSION of BLADES OF MIST (Lord Andarus, mgr.)
                           GROTESQUE of DARK TOADS (TigToad, mgr.)
                           SYNDICATE of ORCCON THUGS (DMobster, mgr.)
 DM   6 TRANSEL (turn 516): THIRD OMEN of DARK PANTHEON (Doc Steele, mgr.)
 DM  10 KOLACT (turn 507): GRACIE of SPRINGBORN (Still, mgr.)
                           LUNELLE of THE MOONDOGS (Nick, mgr.)
 DM  18 TALCAMA (turn 499): MARY of SHEPHERDS (Assurnasirbanipal, mgr.)
 DM  21 SUNSET (turn 498): GINA TAILIA of FEVER PITCH (Alfredo Frothingslosh, mgr.)
 DM  38 CLIFFHOME (turn 462): KORRIBIE of JINDA-BAN (Nick, mgr.)
 DM  39 XOCHITHLAN (turn 201): LAHRS ENNY of CRIMINAL ELEMENT (Fizban, mgr.)
                               ANGELOST of DARQUE ANGELS (Master Darque, mgr.)
 DM  51 TRICORUS (turn 397): APPLE of FRUITS (Assurnasirbanipal, mgr.)
 DM  54 TROCAR (turn 188): CERISA of TRADERS OF TROCAR (Jinda, mgr.)
 DM  59 ILLIS (turn 177): SVAD BONEGRIN of DAMAGE INC. (Tripwire, mgr.)
                          SLIPPERY NIPPLE of HANGOVERS (Crip, mgr.)
                          FLAMING DRAMBUIE of HANGOVERS (Crip, mgr.)
              (turn 176): PLAGUEBEARER of SHADOWLAND (DeGotti, mgr.)

                                 DUELMASTER'S COLUMN
                             Notes from the arena champ.


     11-0 and Duelmaster, pretty impressive if I do say so myself.  Especially with
all the pupp...er klk types gunning for me and mine.  My goal is to graduate
undefeated, a feat Ultraist hasn't accomplished.  Look out below, here I come.

Your Champion,
Timber Lion, DOOMcorps

     The contest has finally come to a close and as I predicted from the start, I
won.  Even after being told if I didn't take the puppets seriously I wouldn't finish
in the top 3.  Despite my utter lack of respect for the kLk they did manage to tag me
with a few losses along the way (kinda like flies pestering the bull).  Though those
few losses that I suffered from the kLk had little effect on my team percentage or
contest standing, they will still be dealt with the harshest down challenging I can
muster, which is my way.
     I owe a few words of thanks to some folks that helped me pull from second place
through out almost the entire length of the contest to first in the final round.  My
alliance-mates (especially Cosmo), Rillion for the no challenge pact we had early on,
the kLk for the easy wins, and the man that made it possible, Cosmo (yes, he gets
mentioned twice).  If it wasn't for Cosmo and his masterful managing abilities,
Alfredo Frothingslosh would have run away with this thing long ago (remember when
Hayride had all those flags and all those BF options).
     Speaking of the competition, it is truly a great honor to finish with a win when
so many great managers were involved.  Rillion, who I consider one of my toughest
rivals (except in Free Blades) and Alfredo, who I consider the greatest basic DM
manager ever and one of the top 5 of all-time have made this win very special for me.
     Now since Azreal and Bookie keep accusing me of having a team of super baggers
I've decided to reveal the vitals of the team that earned me the win and a 77% w/l.
     Tigerwolf TP 13+2-21-16-5-18+1-5-12+3 26FE no ratings
     Direcat BA 17-7-18-15-10-10-7 18FE EXP ATT & INIT
     Cheetah's Growl AB 9-13-5-11-10-15-21 20FE EXP ATT
     Timber Lion 31FE and 1 rating

     Now, if those are overwhelming, awe-inspiring, super studs then I really don't
know what I'm doing.  All 4 of the above warriors did TV a rookies tournament years
ago.  How many of you could manage these guys to a better record than I have done?
Now they're DA bound in hopes of getting some suitable killers back.

Ultraist, DOOMcorps

                                      SPY REPORT

     If you were disturbed from your beauty rest only to have to watch a bunch of 
JHANS brutes like you, you'd be grouchy, too.  Later days, WOLFCATS, since KAMIKAZI 
took top team from you this turn, you guys are old news.  With any luck, I can sneak 
into Lucas Lounge and join ANARKYSTS' celebration over their good record this turn.  
6th place, not bad.  Now let's all watch THE DREAMING's heads swell from their 4-1-0 
this turn.  Haa ha ha ha!  Big shots, big talk, big deal.  Of course, we're all 
terribly impressed to see DEVASTATOR win a fight and gain 24 points, terribly.  Tsk, 
tsk, ARACHNIA beat JOLLY ROGER and JOLLY ROGER lost 14 points.  You're breakin' my 
heart.  Going for broke or broken, our Duelmaster SKIRZA SLAPSTIK challenged this 
turn.  And if variety is the spice of life, JHANS may be getting bland, as TIMBER 
LION stays top dog in the city.  Lucas Lounge, humph!  I've tasted better ale at 
mortuaries.  Where do they get this stuff?  From JHANS' trash dumps?   
     My mother always told me, 'If you don't have anything nice to say, start 
talking.' I loved that woman.  JHANS, I am losing what little hope I had in you.  
BLITZKRIEG the most avoided team?  What insult will suffice, I cannot say.  And it 
looks like THE FALLEN avoided them the most this turn.  What a pack of would be 
losers, if you ask me.  Hmph.  KILL'EM KREPP was challenged more times this turn than 
the Duelmaster.  Now was the DM insulted or feared?  Heh, heh.  PIGFEED PICKTAN was 
challenged by one of KAMIKAZI's warriors this turn, with REAPER having a lead of 20 
points going into the fight.  This is the sort of thing that makes the price of 
admission to JHANS' games worth it!  REAPER was bested by PIGFEED PICKTAN!!  Now look 
at this.  WHIRLING MIST challenged down 55 against THE DREAMING's SHAWNDA.  What a 
weasel!  Ha ha aha ha aha ha!!!  WHIRLING MIST was was bested by by THE DREAMING's 
warrior!  Thank the gods for big favors!  ha!   
     Death and Taxes.  The less death I see, the more it taxes my patience.  Let's 
see if anyone's dead or dying.  Now hey, I like to see a death as much as the next 
guy, but hey WOLFCATS, whyja send CHEETAH'S GROWL to the Dark Arena, look at hers 
record, huh?  And sending DIRECAT to the Dark Arena was supposed to be one of your 
better ideas, WOLFCATS?  Gee, BLIND HYPOCRISY, ain't it past due for sending TROJAN 
MAN Dark Arena?  What took ol' '15-11-3' so long?  Hope?  Ha ha aha ha!  I could say 
I saw this coming, but so could anyone else.  Anyway, this turn it came.  CHIEF 
BLING-BLING$'s 5-12-0 has earned him the Dark Arena.  Gee, KAMIKAZI, ain't it past 
due for sending DRIVER Dark Arena?  What took ol' '9-15-2' so long?  Hope?  Ha ha aha 
ha!  WOLFCATS has cause to pause today, as TIGERWOLF was sent to the Dark Arena, and 
came back--though not in the best of moods, I'll wager.  Now hey, I like to see a 
death as much as the next guy, but hey PORN IN A BARN, whyja send HAPPY COW to the 
Dark Arena, look at hers record, huh?  Whoa!  I'll even buy ONE TRICK PONY a drink 
tonight!  Anyone who can come back from the Dark Arena, I want to be on his good 
side!  Ya gotta go sometime, and MISCOUNT's time was this time.  Hmmm, not a bad 
fighter, had it lived... (what?  me pity?).  Honor is like a chainmail shirt, it only 
shines through use.  Certain nameless cowards will doubtless rebuke me on this one.   
     There's got to be a better place in JHANS to get a drink than Lucas Lounge!  Any 
suggestions?  Phlllt!  Just had to do that before I leave the fine city of JHANS.  I 
feel much better now.  Paste this one in your scrapbooks, you'll need the kindling 
come this winter-- Snide Clemens  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 TIMBER LION 6370             12   0  0   135       WOLFCATS (556)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 KERRY BEAR 3994              20  13  1   111       BLITZKRIEG (271)
-50/50 5603                   14   4  0   111       SKATE DRAGONS (500)
 DONNA 5966                   14   8  0   108       BABES (416)
-BADDA BAMM 6075              14  11  0   104       SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
 PIGFEED PICKTAN 6124         18   5  0   103       ANARKYSTS (341)
 OBLIVIOUS 6101               17   6  0   100       KAMIKAZI (533)
 SHAWNDA 6032                 12   9  1   100       THE DREAMING (529)
 CLURACAN 6035                16   5  0    99       THE DREAMING (529)
 DEVASTATOR 6079              15  11  2    99       THE FALLEN (524)
 SKIRZA SLAPSTIK 5996         18  12  1    97       THE FALLEN (524)
 MARCIE 6076                  13  11  1    92       BABES (416)
 REAPER 6150                  12   8  0    92       KAMIKAZI (533)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 KILL'EM KREPP 5892           17   8  1    90       ANARKYSTS (341)
 WHIRLING MIST 5026           21  12  0    87       LEGENDARY BASTARDS (259)
 UNION JACK 6015              21   6  0    86       BLITZKRIEG (271)
-SANDPAPER CONDOM 6311         8   6  2    84       MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)
 BOARDSLIDE 5608              12   8  4    81       SKATE DRAGONS (500)
 RECOUNT 6333                  9   1  0    80       THE CHADS (482)
-UNBORN 6205                   5   4  0    76       EXQUISITE CORPS II (546)
 BADDA BANG 6013              10  17  0    71       THE FALLEN (524)
 THE LOVE BELOW 6187           9   4  2    70       THE DREAMING (529)
-HAY RIDE 6305                12   3  0    68       PORN IN A BARN (551)
-RAKAR 5307                   11   6  1    68       IRON TIGERS (484)
 SLASHIN' SPECK 5854          14  21  2    67       ANARKYSTS (341)
-MONKEY SHINE 5927            10   3  0    67       HELTER SKELTER (256)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SUBZERO 6120                 14   8  2    62       KAMIKAZI (533)
 TIGERWOLF 6366                8   4  1    59       WOLFCATS (556)
-FRANKENSLOSH 5901            11   5  0    58       HELTER SKELTER (256)
-PIXIE DUST 6308              10   4  1    58       MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-SHADOW STARR 5999            13  16  1    56       SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
 DONNA THE HUNTRESS 6307       6   9  0    56       THE FALLEN (524)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-BENANDANTI 6467               8   2  1    55       HELTER SKELTER (256)
-RAVEN DARKHART 6465           4   5  1    53       BOOKIE'S BROTHEL (554)
 SLAYIN STAYNER 5891          13  12  1    52       ANARKYSTS (341)
-KIZZY LYNNE 6375              7   3  0    50       BOOKIE'S BROTHEL (554)
 THE BEAST 6296                9   5  0    49       REVELATION (543)
-ORCHIDEUS REINE 6580          5   2  0    49       EXQUISITE CORPS II (546)
-GAMBIT 6161                   6  10  2    48       MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)
-SUPER SIZE ME 6347            5   5  0    48       PAST TENSE (28)
-RIZZLE-DIZZLE 5923            7   3  0    47       5440 OR FIGHT! (336)
-BLACKJACK 6163                8   7  3    46       MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)
-TITANIC 178                  11  12  0    45       PAST TENSE (28)
-NEON'S MAMMA 6376             5   5  0    45       BOOKIE'S BROTHEL (554)
 ELIZABETH RABBIT 6425         5   8  0    42       SCARRY TEAM (325)
 ELECTRONIC 6562               5   4  1    41       THE CHADS (482)
-ANOTHER BLANKEE 6117          7   8  0    38       LITTLE GIRLS LIKE... (515)
 SASQUATCH COWBOY 6491         7   3  1    37       LEGENDARY BASTARDS (259)
-BROWN KITTY TOO 6118          7   8  1    36       LITTLE GIRLS LIKE... (515)
-SPATHIC 6189                  5   5  0    36       5440 OR FIGHT! (336)
-MAVERICK 6608                 4   2  0    36       BLITZKRIEG (271)
-GROUCHO 6636                  4   0  1    35       THE BEARS (565)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 ARACHNIA 6613                 4   3  0    33       KAMIKAZI (533)
 ONE TRICK PONY 6589           3   5  1    33       PORN IN A BARN (551)
-ZEPPO 6638                    1   3  1    33       THE BEARS (565)
-HOUND OF SATAN 6610           3   3  0    31       REVELATION (543)
-DEAD GOLDFISH 6419            2   2  0    31       RAW SEWAGE (559)
-GITO GITO HUSTLER 6291        5   4  0    30       5440 OR FIGHT! (336)
-SILICON CARNE 6298            5   2  0    30       EXQUISITE CORPS II (546)
-HARPO 6637                    3   1  0    29       THE BEARS (565)
 T'HAEL 6581                   5   2  0    28       THE FALLEN (524)
-I.B. KLONIN 6408              3   6  1    28       HELTER SKELTER (256)
 TRI-CORNER 6486               5   4  1    26       THE CHADS (482)
-POUNCE 6624                   1   1  0    25       WOLFCATS (556)
 THE SAVAGE GRIND 6671         3   0  0    24       SKATE DRAGONS (500)
-APOCALYPSE 6633               3   1  0    24       REVELATION (543)
-HOMOCIDAL 6640                2   2  0    24       THE BEARS (565)
-COSMOWORLD CARNIE 6623        2   1  0    24       SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SALLY 6426                    5   8  0    23       SCARRY TEAM (325)
 OLD DIRT MCGIRT 6601          4   4  1    23       LEGENDARY BASTARDS (259)
 HAIL MARY 6389                3   4  1    23       BLIND HYPOCRISY (504)
 AUGUST 6659                   3   0  0    23       CHOP'S PRIDE (573)
-KILL-KID FIZZLE 6646          3   0  0    21       SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
 PIMP BEEFAROONY 6579          6   1  0    20       THE DREAMING (529)
-GEORGE W 6420                 4   0  0    20       RAW SEWAGE (559)
-SCRATCH FURY 6647             2   0  0    20       5440 OR FIGHT! (336)
-HEAVY MENTAL 6457             4   6  1    19       HELTER SKELTER (256)
-'WERD 3870                    2   2  0    19       5440 OR FIGHT! (336)
-KALISTA J'NAE 6631            3   0  0    18       SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
 JOLLY ROGER 6626              4   1  0    17       BLITZKRIEG (271)
-NEW RED BLANKET 6338          4   3  1    16       LITTLE GIRLS LIKE... (515)
-MAJOR MISTAKE 54              4   2  0    15       ILL INVADERS (7)
-MELISSA 6204                  3   6  0    15       EXQUISITE CORPS II (546)
 NADYA 6586                    2   1  0    15       TEAM SKARABRAE (571)
-MAJOR DILEMMA 319             2   1  0    15       ILL INVADERS (7)
 BANANA GORILLA 5276           1  12  0    15       SCARRY TEAM (325)
 HELIX PRIME 6344              1   0  0    15       SPACE WOLVES (523)
 JIGSAW KILLER 6627            3   3  1    14       LEGENDARY BASTARDS (259)
 WHIPLASH 6664                 2   1  0    14       BLIND HYPOCRISY (504)
-NIKITA 6639                   3   1  0    13       BABES (416)
 SAVOIR FAIRE 6656             1   1  0    13       CHOP'S PRIDE (573)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-EPSILON 6676                  1   0  0    13       COLONY (575)
-ALPHA 6675                    1   0  0    13       COLONY (575)
-DANETTE ROGERS 6653           1   1  0    12       GIRLS X3 (572)
-EX POST FACTO 6621            1   1  0    12       PAST TENSE (28)
-BEAUTIFUL SADNESS 6558        2   4  0    11       MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)
-GENERAL ANARCHY 53            2   4  0    10       ILL INVADERS (7)
-OVERSIZE CARRION 6620         1   1  0    10       PAST TENSE (28)
 DA18 6625                     1   5  0     9       ANARKYSTS (341)
-BLIGHT 6578                   1   0  0     9       JUGGERNAUTS (570)
-BETA 6677                     1   0  0     8       COLONY (575)
-MUMMY DEAREST 6635            2   1  0     7       EXQUISITE CORPS II (546)
-CORP. PUNISHMENT 57           1   3  0     7       ILL INVADERS (7)
 FROSTY FROTHINGSLUSH 6684     1   1  0     7       LEGENDARY BASTARDS (259)
 KATH AERIS 6381               0   1  0     7       SPACE WOLVES (523)
-DON'T ASK 6418                1   3  0     6       RAW SEWAGE (559)
 DIEBOLD 6645                  1   3  0     6       THE CHADS (482)
 TSLOTHA GARNATH 6634          1   1  0     6       TEAM SKARABRAE (571)
-NICOLE KIDMAN 6650            1   1  1     5       GIRLS X3 (572)
-SQUEAKY FROMME 6622           1   2  0     5       BOOKIE'S BROTHEL (554)
-TRA'SHELLE XANIA 6630         1   2  0     5       BOOKIE'S BROTHEL (554)
-SPED 6619                     1   2  0     5       PAST TENSE (28)
 BRILHASTI 6584                0   3  0     5       TEAM SKARABRAE (571)
 SLAM-BANG 6658                1   1  0     4       CHOP'S PRIDE (573)
-YESTERDAY'S TACO 6417         0   4  0     4       RAW SEWAGE (559)
 PUNDIT 6655                   0   3  0     3       CHOP'S PRIDE (573)
 GOTTERDAMURUNG 6585           0   3  0     3       TEAM SKARABRAE (571)
-GRACIE NICOLE 6652            0   2  0     2       GIRLS X3 (572)
-OMEGA 6678                    0   1  0     1       COLONY (575)
-USED CATHETER 6416            0   1  0     1       RAW SEWAGE (559)
-DELTA 6674                    0   1  0     1       COLONY (575)
-SLACK JAW 6577                0   1  0     1       JUGGERNAUTS (570)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD               W  L K TEAM NAME             SLAIN BY             TURN Revenge?
TROJAN MAN 5710       15 12 3 BLIND HYPOCRISY 504   EVIL JOHN KERRY 25    473 NONE    
COBRA COMMANDER 6592   3  5 0 BLITZKRIEG 271        HAIL MARY 6389        473         
MISCOUNT 6090          9  6 0 THE CHADS 482         DEVASTATOR 6079       473         
MOUNTAIN TROLL 18      0  1 0 DARK ARENA 0          TIGERWOLF 6366        473 NONE    
MOUNTAIN TROLL 18      0  1 0 DARK ARENA 0          ONE TRICK PONY 6589   473 NONE    
CHIEF BLING-BLIN 6091  5 13 0 THE DREAMING 529      MOUNTAIN TROLL 18     473 NONE    
GRACE ROGERS 6651      0  1 0 GIRLS X3 572          GROUCHO 6636          470         
DRIVER 6055            9 16 2 KAMIKAZI 533          STONE GOLEM 26        473 NONE    
HAPPY COW 6590         5  3 0 PORN IN A BARN 551    RIPPLES DORRIGAN 23   473 NONE    
DOGGIE STYLE 6615      3  3 0 PORN IN A BARN 551    RILLION 21            473 NONE    
BLUE MOO 6644          1  3 0 PORN IN A BARN 551    SLIPPERS MCGHEE 24    473 NONE    
LAKE OF FIRE 6632      2  2 0 REVELATION 543        WURM KIN 27           473 NONE    
KLK GIRLS 6693         0  1 0 REVELATION 543        MOUNTAIN TROLL 18     473 NONE    
UTHA 6690              0  1 0 SPACE WOLVES 523      HIGH ELF 19           473 NONE    
ARBO 6583              0  3 0 TEAM SKARABRAE 571    RIPPLES DORRIGAN 23   473 NONE    
CHEETAH'S GROWL 6367   7  3 0 WOLFCATS 556          RILLION 21            473 NONE    
DIRECAT 6368           5  1 0 WOLFCATS 556          MOUNTAIN TROLL 18     473 NONE    

                                     PERSONAL ADS

Polarius -- Stop being ignorant. -- Talon

Floyd -- P Diddy may be making it but I won't be.  *shrug*  Maybe this summer.... --
Bookie/Talon Darkhart

DOOMcorps -- Got your 'puppet' right here.  *crotch chop*  Care to pull my strings?
-- TDH, kLk God of War, Illuminati Alliance, Puppetmaster

Polarius -- (re: Hamlet and Memphis) -- Ok, I can see where the betrayal part comes
in with Memphis but u'll have to tell me which of the DOOMcorps "queens" you
married!!  *grin* -- TDH
P.S.  Alas, poor kid kizzle...I knew him well....

DOOM -- Gratz on the 7-4 turn for you guys.  That makes it 24-20 overall (favoring
the kLk).  Now that the contest is over this should get fun. -- TDH

Iver -- Nice story.  <insert obscene gesture here>  Too bad we coated that banner in
poison ivy.  Enjoy the itch!  (And from what I hear about those 'girls' you keep you,
should be used to it.) -- TDH

Ultra -- Gratz!  Your run in Jhans has truly been amazing.  I'll have to make sure it
ends promptly. -- TDH

Rillion -- Haha!  You choked like <insert inappropriate remark about your mother
here>. -- TDH

!ll kid -- Glad I talked to you online.  Still planning to give you D2 hell but good
to talk to you none the less. -- TDH
P.S.  Bow down. *grin*  c'mon...like I could write you and NOT say that....

Cosmo -- Broke down anywhere lately? -- the kLk shuttle bus system
P.S.  Still should've wrote 'kLk 4 Life' on your truck.

Ultraist -- Ultra, Ultra...c'mere.  Is that?  <looks around confused>  Holy
Frothenslosh!  Is that The Circle of Order?  What the hell?  Who let THAT in here?
Remind me to fire the doorman because apparently they're letting just anybody up in
here now....  Geesh!  There goes the froth'n neighborhood! -- TDH

Cluracan -- Ouch.  You made me mad but thanks for the train!  I needed that! -- Badda

Skirza Slapstik -- Hmm.  Apparently a platemail undergarment is better then a
sandpaper condom.  Hmm.  Froth you!  <thumps skirza on the nose and runs away> --
Sandpaper Condom

Polarius -- Thanks!  You got me DA'd!!  And knowing my luck I'll forget to bring my
hatchet to the fight!  Hmmph. -- Squeaky Fromme

Cosmo -- I like the name "Uncle Charlie" much better.  *maniacal grin* -- Squeaky

Maverick -- You rock, paper, scissored me right.  Damn you.  *grin* -- CC

Driver -- *shrug*  Don't ask me.  I was surprised too. -- Raven Darkhart

Glad you're here.  You know who you are. -- TDH

Donna -- You ain't been beat like that since Timmy!  Nyaah! -- Kizzy Lynne

Berylstar -- Were you ever gonna say 'hi', 'hello', maybe 'get lost'?  Anything?  You
in here prepping or come in with intentions to stay?  Warn ya.  This is no place for
the mild hearted. -- TDH/Bookie

Floyd -- Welcome to Jhans. -- Azrael

Iver -- Nice story and amusing.  It's polite to ask for permission before using
someone else's character before writing but hey, a tit for a tat, no? -- Azrael

Polarius -- Damn right I avoid him.  I'm arrogant, not stupid, fighting Ultraist on
his terms is crazy. -- Azrael

Polarius --  Something rotten in Memphis?  I believe her--never mind. -- Azrael

Baphomet -- My friend, welcome to Jhans, City of Strife. -- Azrael

DOOMCorps -- If you don't print it, I won't have to twist it.  I'm the one with the
golden hippogriff quill. -- Baphomet

!.kid.k. -- True, 1000 fights is a great accomplishment.  About seven years, fighting
every warrior, every turn.  But, you forget that Azrael is a new manager running in
an arena full of some of the best vet managers in the game.  A 47.5% win/loss record
is an accomplishment as well in that light.  Come now, give credit where it's due.
Otherwise, it's *YOU* who's the puppet.  Playing in the same theatre with the rest of
them. -- Baphomet

Iver -- Don't think I've had the pleasure of your acquaintance.  Had to spoof you
though, dude.  You put it out there. -- Baphomet

Berylstar -- Yep, up to my old tricks.  Fun, ain't it? -- Baphomet

klk -- Now, what's a bunch of backwoods, red-necked, coon and possum huntin',
roadkill scrapin', in-bred, trailer trash boys doing in a dump like this? -- Baphomet
(grinnin' 'cause DOOMCorps thinks I was talkin about klk!)

Polarius -- It ain't that we're no longer Brothers, it's just that I got no respect
for your newfound friends.  They lost that when Ultraist went beggin to Master Darque
so he could sideswipe Abraxis.  Abraxis is my brother! -- Baphomet

Ultraist -- Don't be fooled.  Prison bars don't stop the knowledge base.  You'll soon
see what I mean. -- Baphomet

Bookie -- Just couldn't keep silent.  Too much, too soon. -- Baphomet

Ultraist -- Congrats on the win. -- Polarius

Cosmo -- The city may once again be going by the name Jhans but your accomplishment
will never be forgotten.  In the annuls of history COSMOWORLD will never be
forgotten. -- Polarius

Iver -- Nice spotlight. -- Polarius

Shadow -- Wow, I can't believe you fought for 5 freaking minutes with no weapon!
Let's do that again! -- Union

Ultraist -- I could congratulate you on your stunning victory in the contest,
however, I fear you may find it redundant.  I guess if anyone asks you why I didn't
congratulate you this turn you can tell them to read LAST turn's newsletter.
*cackle* -- !ll.kid.k

Rillion -- Congratulations on winning the contest!  I mean it's only fair to regard
second place as a victory when participating in a contest with DOOMcorps!  You fought
hard all the way through and I commend your performance here in Jhans and in the
contest.  Good show! -- !ll.kid.k

Alfredo -- Thank you for revisiting Jhans and for imparting some wisdom along the
way.  We are glad to see you on the sands and hope you stay.  Your reputation
precedes you and it has long since etched your name in the rich history of Jhans.
Congratulations on winning in the contest and we only wish we could have helped you
get second instead. -- !ll.kid.k

Bookie -- What would be the point in taking a joke seriously?  Have you ever gone to
a puppet show and thought to yourself, "That was some serious business!"  Now you can
better understand our raucous laughter every time we see you or your mindless
droolers.  As far as beholding the power of the puppets, I am truly impressed that
you all managed to compile a number as high as twenty.  Stick with the flash cards as
they are working miracles for you and yours.  You even figured out word problems such
as "turn by turn" = one turn plus one turn! -- !ll.kid.k

Chief Bling-Bling$ -- I'm known for riding pine!  I would say I taught you a lesson
but it looks to be quite the opposite. -- Sasquatch Cowboy

Pimp Beefaroony -- Are you P's new significant other? -- Old Dirt McGirt

Happy Cow -- I think McGirt is mistaken and you are P's new significant other! --

Beta -- It looks like you can be upgraded to Alpha after that extensive testing
session. -- Frosty Frothingslush

Ultraist & Timber Lion -- Congratulations on winning the title, it's unfortunate we
have to slap each other around for it! -- !ll.kid.k

Ultraist & Wolfcats -- Congrats on Current and Career Top Team!  Too bad you have to
do it with your uber-stacked tourney team! -- !ll.kid.k, Legendary Bastards

Polarius -- Shouldn't you be the one avoiding Bookie? *cackle* -- !
P.S.  Azrael probably thinks Hamlet is Manager's pig or an opportunity to finally get
a date.

8 December 2004
Battle Royal 4
     The Battle Royal arena contests are one of the purest tests of manager skill
available. The rules are simple.  The scoring is simple.  The updates are live.  If
you would like to participate, simply get a team ready in Talcama in the next month
and announce in the personals that you're in.  The prize is bragging rights and
having your name along side previous winners (Doc Steele, Manray Frothingslosh, and
Manager).  It is a brutal contest, but it is a lot of fun!
     Basic rules:  No avoiding other contest teams.  Score = Wins + Kills - Losses.
Only fights against other BR teams count.  First team to 25 wins!
     BR4 begins in Talcama (DM 18) on turn 502, due on Jan 29, 2005.
     Visit http://www.geocities.com/assurnasir/br4 for more information.

8 December 2004
     The Turf War IV Grand Contest will commence on Turn 221 (approx. February 22,
2005).  For those who have never participated, Turf Wars are alliance-type contest
and Winner-Takes-All.  There are no 2nd place winners!
     Everyone may participate; known alliances, new alliances, or temporary alliances
created to compete in the Turf War!  However, to participate, each alliance must:
     A.  Announce the alliance name and the Captain of the alliance in the North Fork
         (DM #47) newsletter.
Captains are responsible for:
     A.  Verifying those who wish to participate under the banner of their alliance;
     B.  Distribution of prizes should their alliance win the TW4.
Managers must:
     A.  Submit one (1) RSI Roll-up Gift Certificate to participate;
     B.  Announce their intent to compete with manager name, team name and alliance
         in which they will be fighting under, in the DM #47 North Fork newsletter.
1.  No scoring will begin until an RSI Roll-up Gift Certificate is received.  No
    exceptions will be made.
2.  Before a manager can compete, he must be acknowledged and verified by the Captain
    of the alliance he has claimed for;
    A.  The following turn, points will begin to be awarded or subtracted;
3.  Only one (1) team per manager may compete.  No multiple aliases please (we'll be
    checking this and if caught...you'll be disqualified and no refund);
4.  The contest will end on Turn 233 (12 turns!).  Winners will be announced on Turn
    234 and prizes sent to winning alliance between Turn 233 and 234.
5.  No declarations will be acknowledged after Turn 231.
6.  For the purpose of scoring, I reserve the right to make all final decisions.
Scoring:         Win    Lose     Kill     Die
Challenge         +2     -2       +5       -5
Match-up          +1     -1       +1       -5
Bloodfeud         +2     -5       +5       -10
Champion          x2     x2       x2       x2
Downchallenge     +2     -5       +2       -10
Dark Arena       +10     -5       xx       xx
Special Scoring:
     A.  Each mention in the Spy Report is worth 5 points;
     B.  Each Style Master is worth 5 points;
     A.  Champions may be declared, but are not mandatory.  If declared, they must be
         in the Adepts or lower brackets.
     A.  Bloodfeuds will count for all four turns.  However, the same warrior may not
         bloodfeud all four turns.  A penalty of -10 will be given to the team who
         violates this rule.
Special Conditions:
     A.  I reserve the right for all final decisions.
     B.  If I make a mistake, I'll multiply the points by 2;
     C.  If you claim I did, and *YOU* are wrong; I'll subtract points at the rate of
     D.  Each alliance begins with zero (0) points.
     E.  Dark Arena may be used on the first turn of every warrior with no penalty.
     F.  T.V.'s won after contest begins gain a Triple rate of scoring.
     G.  T.C.'s won after the contest begins gain a multiple of 10 scoring.
     H.  No switching alliances once verified by an alliance.
     Any questions or concerns may be addressed (if you're incarcerated) to:
Baphomet, mgr. Knights Templar (268), DM #47 -- North Fork.
     If you're in the free world:  Rick Strigner  Merit East
                                   SCI  P.O. Box 500
                                   Georgetown, DE  19947-0500
P.S.  Prizes are:
     A.  100% of the roll-up certs
     B.  Currently under negotiations with R.S.I. for other prizes
     C.  A special prize from me that I will discuss with the Captain of the winning

15 December 2004
The Company of Brothers Alliance would like to welcome Azereth as our newest member.
We are sure he will be an asset to both our alliance and the dueling community! --
Baphomet, Co-Founder T.C.B.

24 December 2004
Due to requests, the Turf War IV will be postponed until turn 225 (approx May/June
2005).  Sorry about the inconvenience. -- Baphomet, host of TW 4

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

CHEETAH'S GROWL was butchered by RILLION in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
DIRECAT was dealt death by MOUNTAIN TROLL in a exciting 1 minute Dark Arena duel.
TROJAN MAN was savagely slain by EVIL JOHN KERRY in a 2 minute Dark Arena fight.
CHIEF BLING-BLING$ was viciously butchered by MOUNTAIN TROLL in a 3 minute contest.
DRIVER was luckily killed by  STONE GOLEM in a 3 minute Dark Arena competition.
TIGERWOLF savagely slew MOUNTAIN TROLL in a tiresome 11 minute Dark Arena struggle.
HAPPY COW was easily killed by RIPPLES DORRIGAN in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
DOGGIE STYLE was slaughtered by RILLION in a 2 minute gruesome Dark Arena duel.
ONE TRICK PONY viciously butchered MOUNTAIN TROLL in a 2 minute Dark Arena fight.
ARBO was slaughtered by RIPPLES DORRIGAN in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
LAKE OF FIRE was assassinated by WURM KIN in a 1 minute Dark Arena match.
BLUE MOO was barely slain by SLIPPERS MCGHEE in a 2 minute Dark Arena bout.
KLK GIRLS was savagely slain by MOUNTAIN TROLL in a 2 minute brutal Dark Arena match.
UTHA was butchered by HIGH ELF in a 1 minute bloody Dark Arena conflict.
TIMBER LION savagely defeated SKIRZA SLAPSTIK in a 7 minute Challenge Title match.
REAPER was overcome by PIGFEED PICKTAN in a action packed 1 minute Challenge fight.
WHIRLING MIST was defeated by SHAWNDA in a 2 minute expert's Challenge struggle.
DEVASTATOR killed MISCOUNT in a 1 minute master's Challenge brawl.
CLURACAN bested KILL'EM KREPP in a exciting 3 minute veteran's Challenge fight.
BADDA BANG was beaten by RECOUNT in a exciting 3 minute Challenge bout.
SUBZERO overpowered SASQUATCH COWBOY in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge conflict.
DONNA THE HUNTRESS bested SLAYIN STAYNER in a popular 4 minute Challenge bout.
PIMP BEEFAROONY unbelievably bested DA18 in a popular 3 minute Challenge match.
ARACHNIA vanquished JOLLY ROGER in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge fray.
AUGUST defeated JIGSAW KILLER in a 2 minute Challenge match.
PUNDIT was defeated by FROSTY FROTHINGSLUSH in a 4 minute beginner's Challenge fight.
KERRY BEAR overpowered BOARDSLIDE in a 1 minute one-sided duel.
MARCIE was defeated by OBLIVIOUS in a exciting 1 minute expert's match.
DONNA viciously subdued UNION JACK in a action packed 2 minute brutal veteran's fray.
THE LOVE BELOW overcame THE BEAST in a exciting 1 minute duel.
SLASHIN' SPECK defeated ELECTRONIC in a 1 minute uneven fight.
ELIZABETH RABBIT overcame FRATSFA SLAVE in a 1 minute veteran vs. novice fight.
SALLY was luckily beaten by T'HAEL in a 3 minute brutal fight.
TRI-CORNER overpowered BRILHASTI in a 1 minute uneven bout.
HAIL MARY killed COBRA COMMANDER in a 2 minute gruesome contest.
OLD DIRT MCGIRT overpowered OSKSI NOBLE in a 1 minute one-sided struggle.
BANANA GORILLA was demolished by THE SAVAGE GRIND in a 1 minute one-sided struggle.
GOTTERDAMURUNG was handily defeated by SAVOIR FAIRE in a 1 minute one-sided fight.
NADYA demolished MORDANT DESERTER in a 1 minute one-sided conflict.
TSLOTHA GARNATH outwaited SLAM-BANG in a crowd boring 20 minute novice's bout.
DIEBOLD was overpowered by HELIX PRIME in a 1 minute one-sided competition.
WHIPLASH handily defeated KATH AERIS in a popular 1 minute one-sided duel.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|LUNGING ATTACK                  20         TOTAL PARRY      109 -  75 -  2      59  |
|TOTAL PARRY                     13         WALL OF STEEL     36 -  30 -  1      55  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   9         AIMED BLOW        53 -  52 -  2      50  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                  6         BASHING ATTACK    58 -  57 -  6      50  |
|AIMED BLOW                       6         PARRY-LUNGE        9 -  10 -  0      47  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                  5         STRIKING ATTACK   56 -  72 -  4      44  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     3         LUNGING ATTACK   133 - 171 - 14      44  |
|WALL OF STEEL                    3         SLASHING ATTACK   43 -  67 -  7      39  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      1         PARRY-RIPOSTE      6 -  11 -  0      35  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    1         PARRY-STRIKE      16 -  30 -  0      35  |

Turn 473 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

PARRY-LUNGE        1 -  0     BASHING ATTACK     4 -  5         3  TOTAL PARRY    
PARRY-STRIKE       2 -  1     STRIKING ATTACK    2 -  3         2  STRIKING ATTACK
TOTAL PARRY        8 -  5     LUNGING ATTACK     7 - 13         2  WALL OF STEEL  
SLASHING ATTACK    3 -  3     AIMED BLOW         2 -  4         2  LUNGING ATTACK 
                              WALL OF STEEL      1 -  2         2  BASHING ATTACK 
                              PARRY-RIPOSTE      0 -  1     

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
TOTAL PARRY      TIMBER LION 6370           12   0  0  135 WOLFCATS (556)
STRIKING ATTACK  KERRY BEAR 3994            20  13  1  111 BLITZKRIEG (271)
LUNGING ATTACK   DONNA 5966                 14   8  0  108 BABES (416)
BASHING ATTACK   DEVASTATOR 6079            15  11  2   99 THE FALLEN (524)
WALL OF STEEL    SKIRZA SLAPSTIK 5996       18  12  1   97 THE FALLEN (524)
AIMED BLOW       RECOUNT 6333                9   1  0   80 THE CHADS (482)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is KERRY BEAR 3994.  The most popular warrior this turn 
was DRIVER 6055.  The ten other most popular fighters were SLAYIN STAYNER 5891, DONNA 
5966, KILL'EM KREPP 5892, DA18 6625, RECOUNT 6333, PUNDIT 6655, CHIEF BLING-BLING$ 

The least popular fighter this week was SLAM-BANG 6658.  The other ten least popular 

The following warriors will travel to AD after next turn:

DONNA (36-5966) BABES (416)


     For those of you who keep track of such things, 11 additional warriors graduated 
from regular DM arenas (including closed arenas) since the last tournament.  

                        EEK THE CAT (2-4110) of THE FUNNY FARM 
                             HADES (11-5338) of MYTHICAL 
                    DRAUGHT DODGER (12-5209) of WISH YOU WERE BEER 
                      DRACO MALFOY (18-7115) of HOUSE SLYTHERIN 
                           FREAK (18-7300) of RUN AND HYDE 
                   BETWEEN THE EYES (60-716) of METAL MILITIA II 6
                  SHOVELING SANDY (65-3584) of STORMNITE SANDBAGGER 
                         BLUE BLOOD (73-3657) of BLACK & BLUE 
                          JOCK (82-10452) of 4-LETTER ITCHES 
                       WILLIE BROWN (82-13201) of 1976 RAIDERS 
                          YUENGLING (82-16265) of LOCAL BEER 

Congrats to the grads. -- Green Eyes