DUELMASTERS NEWSLETTER
Date : 12/05/2003 Duedate: 12/18/2003
ARADI ARENA
DM-60 TURN-326
This Weeks Top Honors
THE DUELMASTER IS
BLACK CAT
SHADOW SIGNS (491)
(60-6268) [17-8-0,129]
Chartered Recognition Leader Unchartered Recognition Leader
BLACK CAT NOODLES
SHADOW SIGNS (491) RED AVENGERS (487)
(60-6268) [17-8-0,129] (60-6247) [2-1-0,61]
Popularity Leader This Weeks Favorite
LUMMOX NEWCASTLE
RED DOG GANG (476) BEERBARIANS (528)
(60-6092) [18-45-0,105] (60-6669) [6-4-3,45]
THE CURRENT TOP TEAM
RED AVENGERS (487)
TEAMS ON THE MOVE TOP CAREER HONORS
Team Name Point Gain Chartered Team
1. RED AVENGERS (487) 57
2. 4000 BLOWS (107) 49 POWER BROKERS (527)
3. 5 BELOW ZERO (532) 45 Unchartered Team
4. DEATH STUDS VII (301) 35
5. LOCK-OUT (368) 32 5 BELOW ZERO (532)
The Top Teams
Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K
1/ 0*5 BELOW ZERO (532) 4 1 1 80.0 1/11*RED AVENGERS (487) 12 3 0
2/ 1 POWER BROKERS (527) 35 14 6 71.4 2/10*WING HOVE (529) 11 4 1
3/23*RED AVENGERS (487) 12 8 0 60.0 3/ 3 4000 BLOWS (107) 10 5 0
4/ 4 LOCK-OUT (368) 32 25 0 56.1 4/ 1*I'M WITH STUPID (531) 9 5 1
5/ 7 LUROCIANS VI (431) 80 67 6 54.4 5/ 2 LEGALESE (449) 9 5 1
6/ 8 SWIFT CURRENT (468) 81 68 6 54.4 6/ 5 POWER BROKERS (527) 9 5 1
7/17*WING HOVE (529) 19 16 2 54.3 7/ 4 FA CHING (388) 9 6 0
8/ 9 WIMPS OF DEATH (66) 511 450 30 53.2 8/21 THE UPSTARTS III (510) 8 5 2
9/10 NATURAL DISASTERS (159) 557 497 19 52.8 9/ 7 LOCK-OUT (368) 8 5 0
10/11 WILD CARDS (148) 675 619 25 52.2 10/ 9 BLOOD RELATED (395) 8 6 0
11/12 DEATH STUDS VII (301) 302 278 8 52.1 11/13 R.J.G. (475) 8 6 0
12/ 6*I'M WITH STUPID (531) 13 12 1 52.0 12/ 8 NATURAL DISASTERS (159) 8 6 0
13/15 SHADOW SIGNS (491) 57 54 1 51.4 13/20 THIEVES GUILD (396) 8 7 0
14/14 BLOOD RELATED (395) 129 123 4 51.2 14/ 6 OGRES ARE US (270) 8 7 0
15/13 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 135 131 12 50.8 15/22*DARQUE AGES (536) 7 7 3
16/19 CLUB CULTURE (424) 136 136 7 50.0 16/25 DEATH STUDS VII (301) 7 8 0
17-16 WINTERHOLM (478) 47 47 1 50.0 17/16 LUROCIANS VI (431) 7 8 0
18/ 5*DARQUE AGES (536) 7 7 3 50.0 18/12 SHADOW SIGNS (491) 7 8 0
Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K
19-18 RESCUE RANGERS (362) 7 7 0 50.0 19/23 SWIFT CURRENT (468) 6 4 0
20/ 0 THE UNDERWORLD (15) 43 45 4 48.9 20/15 CLUB CULTURE (424) 6 6 0
21/20 METAL MELTDOWN (344) 268 292 21 47.9 21/19 WIMPS OF DEATH (66) 6 8 0
22/21 OGRES ARE US (270) 124 138 2 47.3 22/24 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 6 9 1
23/25 4000 BLOWS (107) 533 607 26 46.8 23/14*MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 6 9 0
24/22 THIEVES GUILD (396) 107 122 5 46.7 24/18 WILD CARDS (148) 6 9 0
25/34*HIT ME WITH... (503) 7 8 0 46.7 25/33 BLACK FRIARS (521) 5 10 0
26/24*MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 9 11 0 45.0 26/34 RED DOG GANG (476) 5 10 0
27/26 BUMS 'R' US (465) 116 142 0 45.0 27/31*LOSERS (544) 5 10 0
28/28 FA CHING (388) 77 95 3 44.8 28/26 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185) 5 10 0
29-27 ARADI'S DEAD (393) 104 129 4 44.6 29/ 0*5 BELOW ZERO (532) 4 1 1
30/31 THE UPSTARTS III (510) 20 25 3 44.4 30-17 WINTERHOLM (478) 4 6 0
31/29 LEGALESE (449) 47 60 3 43.9 31/32*FIVE SPHERES (462) 4 11 0
32/32 JOKA MASHER! (283) 150 211 6 41.6 32/30*MINATOUR KINGS (379) 3 6 0
33/36 R.J.G. (475) 56 86 1 39.4 33/43*HIT ME WITH... (503) 3 8 0
34-35*INNSMOUTH BROOD (535) 5 8 1 38.5 34/27*FACES OF ETERNITY (539) 3 12 0
35/37 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185) 53 89 1 37.3 35/29 BUMS 'R' US (465) 2 1 0
36/40 RED DOG GANG (476) 216 364 3 37.2 36/28 BEERBARIANS (528) 2 1 0
37/33*FIVE SPHERES (462) 13 22 1 37.1 37-35 ARADI'S DEAD (393) 2 1 0
38/41 BLACK FRIARS (521) 24 41 3 36.9 38/39 METAL MELTDOWN (344) 2 3 0
39/38 BEERBARIANS (528) 9 16 3 36.0 39/ 0 THE UNDERWORLD (15) 2 3 0
40/42*LOSERS (544) 5 10 0 33.3 40/36*BATTLEFIELD GIRTH (504) 1 1 0
41/39*MINATOUR KINGS (379) 6 14 0 30.0 41-42*INNSMOUTH BROOD (535) 1 4 0
42/43*BATTLEFIELD GIRTH (504) 3 8 0 27.3 42/41 JOKA MASHER! (283) 1 5 0
43/44*FACES OF ETERNITY (539) 5 15 0 25.0 43/44*PLAGUE BEARER (545) 0 9 0
44/46*PLAGUE BEARER (545) 0 9 0 0.0 44-45 RESCUE RANGERS (362) 0 1 0
'*' Unchartered team '-' Team did not fight this turn
(###) Avoid teams by their Team Id ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank
TEAM SPOTLIGHT
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Red Avengers ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
"What are you all doing lounging around the guild house?" asked the Rage Man as
he carried a stack of papers to and from his office. "You guys have the day off.
Why aren't you out around the town?"
"There is nothing to do in this town!" complained Noodles, "We've been out, and
they're no one out and hanging out anywhere at all! Only a few people at the bar.
And they are drunks anyway."
"Yeah." agreed Zerbert, "And the people are a little--eccentric, if you know
what I mean."
"Unfortunately, I do." acknowledged the Rage Man, "The Aradi travel brochure
said that Aradi was a beautiful windswept islands with a large variety of plants,
birds, and reptiles. Yet, there isn't too much wind here and the only animals I've
seen so far have been farm animals."
"The arenamaster person is supposed to be a girl too," pointed out Kaboom, "but
she isn't one. This place must be so desperate for tourism that they lied about
everything."
"Speaking of girls," The Rage Man asked, "Didn't you meet someone that you
liked? I thought you two went on a couple of dates. At the very least, you should
be out."
Kaboom sighed. "I've already been dumped. For a chicken!"
"Ouch." Zerbert pointed at Kaboom and laughed, "Now I've heard it all."
"I don't know. I hear the Aradi chickens are pretty wild in bed," said the
normally quiet Angry Sue.
"I've heard that too," said Noodles, "One of the female warriors in this arena
is also dating a chicken."
"Well..." Angry Sue's voice trailed off, "I was going to keep this to myself,
but I did hear that they have chicken orgies in this town."
"Ok. Too weird for me. I'm out of here. If you guys go out, please don't do
anything that will humiliate the integrity of this guild." The Rage Man hustled to
his room and closed the door.
"So....not that I'm interested in chickens, but maybe we should go out and
search for this orgy?" Noodles asked meekly, expected to be laughed at by her
teammates.
"Sure, but if we come across the chicken that Zora dumped me for, can I kill
it?" asked Kaboom.
"Sounds good to me. I love roast chicken," said Zerbert.
"I guess I'm in too," said Supernova, who looked up from reading his book.
"Someone has to keep you guys under control."
"Oh, that responsible one act is getting old. I bet you know exactly where this
chicken orgy is, " accused Zerbert.
"I do not, and frankly, I resent that implication." Supernova glared back at
them.
"It wasn't an implication." Zerbert retorted.
"Ok that's enough, let's just get out of here," Noodles said, "The Rage Man is
right, I am bored out of my mind, we need to have some fun, even if we make it
ourselves."
"Agreed".
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ T#%S IV Results at the end of Turn 2 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
TEAM 8 110
TEAM 3 106
TEAM 1 100
TEAM 11 100
TEAM 14 96
TEAM 9 89
TEAM 7 87
TEAM 4 86
TEAM 15 86
TEAM 2 79
TEAM 6 77
TEAM 12 75
TEAM 10 73
TEAM 5 23
TEAM 13 15
The competition is already heating up! Congrats are in order for Team 8,
Elephant and Sir Indimar! They have catapulted out of a three way tie for third into
first place with 4 points to spare. Another shout out goes to Team 3, Shadowgate and
Yukon! They've jumped from the bottom of the pack all the way into second place with
106 total points! I guess Yukon is a functioning 'oholic. In any case, Shadowgate
and Yukon are the turn 2 winners of the coveted Scrodcertificates (1 each) with their
astounding 75 point turn 2! Great job guys! I will send those out today. Other
positive mentions, Team 9, Ghoti and Armalias had an awesome turn 2 with 65 points.
Too bad the contest started on turn 324 and not turn 325, huh guys? Good luck
playing catch up. And also, Team 1, myself and Hombre, stayed consistent with a 52
point turn 2 to remain in third place. Team 11, The Greek Guy and Rillion are also a
team to watch even though they've dropped from first to a tie for third. Matter of
fact, if Rillion wasn't so scared this last turn, they would be all alone in third
and there would only be a 5 point differential between the top 3 teams. Stop hiding
behind that bottle of vodka, Rilly. On the lower end of things, there are teams that
aren't turning in spotlights and personals. Not that any of us really mind you guys
not participating or anything, but it's next to impossible to compete in this contest
without the writing. On a side note, I'm happy to announce that all entry fees are
paid. I'm sorry to a few of you for harassing you about this recently. On to turn
three.... Good luck!
Ganolus Oakleaf
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ WHAT I LEARNED FROM ROUND 2 OF TOGS ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
*** Soultaker is a Mother Hen
*** Meeting Sandeus can be precarious
*** Ganolus likes pistachio chicken remnants
*** Rage Man has a lot of sandbaggers
*** Nuln can really dance
*** Pip The Troll has a ball-and-chain around his neck
*** Lawn mowers are preferred weapons for groundhogs
*** Drinking and TOGS are complimentary
*** Low odds of catching a belt buckle on a warhorse hoof
*** You are either with us or against us
*** An addict never is truly free of the disease
*** Non-retentive chickens lay numerous eggs
*** One, two, three, four. No more being Ghoti's whore.
*** Fear the stench of a Yoder
*** Guardian and Rocky Balboa (or Mrs. Balboa?) are synonymous
*** Carrying the FONZ cost Death Stud another precious inch
*** Manager does simulations
*** Sheila Greywand knows how to have a good time
*** Wimpy gets ridiculous roll-ups
*** Indimar had better have a very broad back
*** Chickens are running rampant in Aradi
*** When the FONZ throws a party, they do it right
*** One can die of incontinence in the infirmary
*** A solitary Sandman is a most feared creature
*** Wimpy once had a 21WT/21WL warrior
THIS IS BETTER THAN A COLLEGE EDUCATION ........
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Blood Related ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
"Thanksgiving in Aradi is like Halloween for the rest of Alastari. It's the day
when all the freaks truly come out. Not that they ever really go away in Aradi, but
you know what I mean...the freaks in Aradi give new meaning to the terms Turkey Day
and Gobble, Gobble." Ganolus informed his well oiled friend as he paced back and
forth. Ganolus was trying to get into the true spirit of the Holiday, not the Aradi
version, and Hombre was busy getting ready for the big day. Actually, Ganolus wasn't
telling his partner anything new. Hombre was one of the freaks and he loved
Thanksgiving in Aradi! But Ganolus also knew that Hombre was tame, comparatively
speaking, that is. Hombre was busy applying extra oil (pumpkin scented) for today's
events. "So what are you thankful for, Hombre?" Ganolus had to ask.
Hombre stopped admiring his lube job in the mirror and turned to his friend with
his hands on his hips. "Do you even have to ask? I get to dress up like an Indian,
loin cloth and all, and nobody makes fun of me for loving the People from that
Village!" the nearly naked Hombre exclaimed way too excitedly. "You ready to go?"
the big Chief asked as he headed towards the door.
Ganolus and Hombre were meeting some friends at the Aradi Thanksgiving Day
Parade. Unfortunately, they had to walk through town to get there. The first leg of
their journey took them past Farmer Bob's Love Shack. Most businesses in Aradi were
closed for this Holiday, but Turkey Day was Farmer Bob's busiest day of the year.
Sick bastages! There was a line of people wrapped around the barn waiting to get in
and Bob was greeting his customers at the door dressed in his Thursday's Best. With
his black platform shoes, black skin-tight silk pants, white tuxedo shirt (half way
unbuttoned with chest hair sticking out), thick gold chains hanging around his neck,
long zebra duster trimmed in white fur, and black buckled Pilgrim's top hat, Bob was
the definition of "Turkey Gangsta Pimp Daddy of Love". Ganolus and Hombre hurried
by, successfully not being noticed by any of Bob's patrons. Ganolus was not
surprised to see Nuln in line waiting patiently, of course, but shockingly, the
LEGENDARY Guardian was waiting next to the Chaotic Lord. (How's that for respect, O'
Great One!?!) As they were sneaking by, the two managers overheard Nuln and Guardian
talking quietly between themselves.
"So whateth are you thankful foreth, Guardian?" Nuln inquired of the well known
manager very respectfully.
"I'm the Greatest manager and all," Guardian answered coolly, "but I'm thankful
Ganolus hasn't kicked my ass yet. You see, I don't have what they call the social
skills and I don't like...confrontations. What about you? What are you thankful
for?"
Nuln shook his head respectfully at the Great One's plight. "I'm just thankful
this placeth is openeth today, maneth. It's all abouteth the birdeth!" Nuln answered
in a rather chaotic, yet respectful tone.
As Ganolus and Hombre strolled on, they passed by Ghoti's house. Ghoti was
hunched down in his front yard on the other side of his white picket fence opening up
a can of worms. Ghoti looked slightly embarrassed as he tried to hide the can behind
his back, not too quickly I might add, as Hombre silently read "Aradi Butt Worms" off
the label before the can disappeared from sight. Hombre's eyebrow glistened as it
raised inquisitively, yet he remained silent. Ganolus, however, was just getting in
the spirit of the Holiday. He nodded towards Ghoti and asked, "What up 'G'? Happy
Thanksgiving! What are you thankful for?"
Ghoti sheepishly (I know, I know, wrong choice of adjectives in Aradi) answered
"I'm thankful for my best friend Richard. He just told me about this gerbil-
replacement product for men that is gonna keep me outta the infirmary so much. Happy
Thanksgiving to you guys as well!" Ghoti turned and walked inside, carrying his
newly opened can of worms with him.
"Ya know Tonto," Ganolus commented, "if you're gonna tell somebody to eat crap,
just sack up and say it. Ya know what I mean, Chief?"
"That be good advice, Kimo Sabe," the tall, blonde Indian stated flatly. And
more excitedly, "Look Ganolus, there's the parade!" Hombre pointed down the street
in the direction they had been heading.
The two managers approached a large crowd surrounding Main street in the heart
of the city. They spotted their friends in the crowd and finally arrived at their
destination.
Death Stud stood chatting with the rest of the Fonz brethren (Nuln excluded) as
Hombre and Ganolus joined them. "Where's Nuln?" Studboy asked.
"He's stuffing the turkey." Hombre winked and nodded approvingly.
"Well, I'm thankful you guys could make it." the vertically challenged one said
cheerfully. Death Stud shook hands with the two new arrivals. "Happy Thanksgiving!"
-- Ganolus Oakleaf, Blood Related
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ 4000 Blows ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
The Legend of Master Dorque
(or: A Cautionary Tale for Sheep)
On a day that was neither cold nor hot, nor dark nor light, on a day that was,
frankly, without any distinguishing characteristics whatsoever, Master Dorque paced
back and forth purposefully before his own personal Dorque posse, fanned out in a
semi-circle around him.
"Dorque A, report!" Shouted Master Dorque. Being the highest dorque on the
pecking chain, he liked to exert his executive dorque power when he could.
"Sir, Master Dorque, Sir!" Dorque A stepped forward, his spelunking forehead
lamp shining brightly into his superior's eyes. "My tri-quarter readings are off the
spectographotronic chart. While I can usually detect only 5,003 to the tenth
bagooglian percent of the retro nano-microbes per parsec, this morning I obser--"
"Thank you, Dorque A." Master Dorque cut his dorque protege off. There were
many different types of dorque, and Master Dorque was not of the math/Star-Trek
dorque variety. He made a mental note to himself never to ask Dorque A to report to
him again.
"Now that we have that piece of business taken care of, let us be seated."
Master Dorque and his squadron of dorques took their places in their respective
assigned seats, a few of the more uncoordinated dorques falling off their chairs on
their first few attempts.
"And now," Master Dorque intoned solemnly, "the dorquening!"
For a moment the room was silent, and all the dorques and their Master sat
completely still. With an eerie synchronicity, Master Dorque and his collection of
dorquettes began to snort with a peculiar, high pitched laugh. As the laughter
reached a crescendo, the dorques suddenly fell silent. From overhead, a column of
light descended, shining in the exact center of the dorquey gathering.
Slowly, a flickering image coalesced in the middle of the column, and the shape
of a man's head could finally be seen. Sporting an orthodontist's wet-dream of an
overbite, inch thick spectacles which had to constantly be pushed up the bridge of
his pimply nose (which remarkably resembled that of Master Dorque) was the dorquiest
looking man ever.
"Huh huh, *snort*, hey guys!" the holographic head greeted its summoners. "Who
farted? Huh huh."
All the dorques snorted laughter as Dorque C raised his hand (it was his job to
take the blame for all of Master Dorque's flatulence). There was only one sure way
to get a rise out of a group of dorques, and that was to tell a fart joke.
"Just kidding." The holographic head that resembled Master Dorque snorted again.
As you may have already suspected, the head belonged to the deceased forefather of
all dorques, and the progenitor of Master Dorque himself, the greatest dorque who
ever dorqued, none other than Gerrold Q. Dorquefellowsteinbergowitzky (who also held
the record for the heaviest pocket-protector ever worn). Master Dorque, being
Gerrold's only son, was naturally named Gerrold Q. Dorquefellowsteinbergowitzky Jr.,
but after getting teased mercilessly in pre-school had legally changed his name,
simply, to Master Dorque. Being such a legendary dorque of history, Gerrold Sr. was
subject of many spirit-summonings at dorquenings across Alastari.
"So, uh, why'd you guys channel me?" Gerrold Sr. asked, finally, squinting so
his glasses wouldn't slide down his nose.
"Um, would you guys mind leaving me and dad alone for a sec?" Master Dorque
asked his dorque posse.
A few of the dorques threw whining fits, but Master Dorque was finally able to
get all his fledgling dorques to obey his wishes.
"You have collected a fine flock of dorques, young Dorquefellow-
steinbergowitzky." Gerrold Sr. commented, his dorquey voice cracking with pride.
"Gosh, dad, I don't go by that name anymore! I wish you would call by my new
name, Master Dorque! I'm a grown-up dorque now!" Master Dorque's voice cracked as
well, except he was trying to hold back the tears of hurt feelings. "I need a favor,
dad!"
"How much this time?" Gerrold Sr. sighed, frowning with disappointment. "It's a
good thing I patented my spray-on chest hair, or else you wouldn't have such a rich
dorque of a dad to run to every time your dorquey schemes don't work out!"
"But dad! If I can't buy a new roof for the barn, my 'other' flock will get
sick and die!" Who or what was Master Dorque referring to when he said his 'other'
flock? Well I'll tell you: in addition to being the son of the most famous dorque
ever, Master Dorque was a preacher of sorts too. Except the flock that he shepherded
were *actually* sheep. Aradi had been the only place he had found where the locals
didn't seem to mind his hands-on method of prayer. In addition, Master Dorque often
volunteered his babysitting services to any orphaned sheep on the island. To the
local sheep-farmers, Master Dorque was a figure above reproach, and they never
suspected anything, even when they would find one of Master Dorque's sheep wide eyed,
frothing, and would go mad at the slightest human touch.
Eventually Master Dorque inherited all of father Dorquefellowsteinbergowitzky's
fortune, and built himself a magical dorquey estate for him and his sheep to live in.
No one ever saw Master Dorque much after that, although in one moment of bad
publicity, he was photographed holding one of his adopted baby sheep off of the third
floor balcony of one his many penthouses.
The next time Master Dorque was seen was at a public sheep auction in a pair of
dark sunglasses. The local sheep farmers were shocked to notice Master Dorque's
face appeared to have undergone major reconstructive surgery, as his overbite was a
full five inches more pronounced, and his skin seemed to be at least 10 shades paler
of dorque. Soon rumors were spreading around Aradi that Master Dorque had adopted
many orphan llamas to also reside in his secluded, magical estate. All the orphan
llamas it was rumored, were of the two hump variety.
But all was not well within the carefully guarded, magical dorquey estate. A
few of the sheep had escaped the compound and gone to the police, and through
translators it was determined that Master Dorque would be facing some serious sheep
molestation charges. Unfortunately for the sheep they were in Aradi, and the local
authorities didn't bat an eyelash at any sort of farm animal accusations. So if
you're a sheep and thinking of vacationing in Aradi, think again!
This cautionary tale for sheep was brought to you by the letter 'R', my butt,
and the Scrod Advisory Board on Ethics and Morals.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Yukon's T@%$ Spotlight #3 TWiT part III ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Yukon: Hello everyone and welcome to "This Week in T@%$". I'm your host Yukon "Mr.
5-0" Cornelius and this is my co-host Shadow "Not 5-0" Gate.
Shadowgate: Hello everyone. I loved the fact that we did so well last turn, but you
are going to be a real ass about this whole 5-0 thing aren't you.
Yukon: Yes, I am. Being an ass is on my list of the things that I do best. Right
after drinking ale, and right before writing my name in the snow while....
Shadowgate: We get it! Okay. What do we have on tap today?
Yukon: Very busy show today. Later we will be talking to Death Stud, who also did
not go 5-0, about his balls....
Shadowgate: ...I should just go home now....
Yukon: ...but first we have a new segment. Manager will be joining the "TWIT" team
to do the Aradi farm report brought to us by Hombre and his new line of neon pink
leg-warmers, or Leggies as he likes to call them.
Manager: Hello, everybody. Nice turn you guys had. I knew you would do well this
T@%$. Jumping from eighth to second. Very nice.
Shadowgate: Hello, Manager. Glad to have you aboard and thanks.
Manager: Ok...here is the "TWIT" farm report brought to you by "HHL."
Shadowgate: HHL?
Manager: Hombre's Hairy Leggies. To start, Farmer Maggot has repaired the fence to
his chicken coop. He has also moved his sheep to the south field and his bull to his
north field, so try not to get the two mixed up. Also there was a report of a few
chickens at old farmer boB's place. I'll try and confirm that for next time.
Yukon and Shadowgate: ...<stunned silence>...
Shadowgate: What the heck was that?
Manager: The Aradi farm report, brought to you by "HHL."
Shadowgate: I thought that you were going to give the price of soybeans or pork
bellies or something.
Manager: I'm just trying to bring the farm news that your listeners want to hear and
good idea on the pork thing, I also look into that for next time.
Yukon: He does have a point about what our listeners want to hear. Thanks, Manager,
talk to you next week.
Manager: Good-bye.
Shadowgate: You know, this show started bad and it has just gone to hell in a...
Yukon: Death Stud. Welcome to "TwiT". How are you doing?
Death Stud: Not very good at all.
Yukon: You must have not gone 5-0 last week like I did. That's hard to take, I
know, but you look like you're in a real funk. What's wrong?
Death Stud: My balls are sweaty.
Shadowgate: That's it...I'm out of here....
Yukon: Ouch! That's not good. I know this guy that can get you a powder that can
help you clear that up.
Death Stud: It not that, it's my new Salty TOG Balls. I had this great idea to
market processed Scrod packed around a nut, coated in chocolate, and then rolled in
salt.
Yukon: Hmmm...yummy. What happened?
Death Stud: Soultaker has bad nuts, that's what happened. He supplied the nuts I
used, but something in them caused the oil in the Scrod to sweat up through the
chocolate.
Yukon: That sounds really messy?
Death Stud: Now when people touch my balls they get all sticky.
Yukon: That's it. What if you put them on a stick?
Death Stud: That's a really good idea, Yukon. That would solve all of the problems.
Thanks.
Yukon: Ok, folks, that's all the time we have for today. This is Yukon Cornelius
signing off for this episode of "Twit" brought to you by Death Stud's Sticky Salty
TOG balls, on a Stick.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Wimpy and Legal Matters ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
All was quiet at the Wimp's facilities. The wimpy fighters were all in the
temple meditating on their poor performance in the TOGS so far. Festor Foureyes was
busy in the kitchen working on the books. Some might say he was cooking the books.
Wimpy was in his office with his chair tilted back, taking his normal afternoon nap.
It was quite peaceful, but a peace that was soon to be broken.
Out at the gate to the city of Aradi, the guard challenged the stranger who had
just approached the gate. The stranger was a short little man, standing about 5'4"
and he carried a long sword of a black metal. The guard didn't really challenge the
little stranger, but he did ask his business in Aradi. During the TOGS, many
undesirables and con men came to town to try and take advantage of the party
atmosphere of the TOGS. "Welcome stranger," the guard said as he smiled at the
little man, "can you show me some ID?"
The little guy fished out an ID folder and showed it to the guard. It
identified him as Twit, a fighter retired from Andorak. It showed his FS (Fighter
Security) number as 60-1463. What can I do for you, sir?" the guard asked.
"I am looking for the Wimps of Death's club house," he replied, "I hear they
have moved to a new facility."
"Right you are, my friend. Just go about four blocks past the Khorny Temple,
turn right and it will be the fifth door on the right." the guard directed.
The little man followed the guard's directions and soon arrived at the door to
the Wimp's massive facilities. He knocked on the door and soon Festor Foureyes
pulled it open. "Yes, may I help you?" Festor asked looking down on the little man.
"Festor, don't you recognize me? It's me, Twit. I haven't seen you in years,
not since I retired from Andorak."
"By the beard of Jacobi," exclaimed Festor, "it is you. Come in. Come in.
Wimpy will want to see you."
"I don't think Wimpy will be very pleased to see me after he learns why I am
here." said Twit.
Festor lead Twit to Wimpy's office. Festor, knowing that Wimpy was usually
asleep, knocked softly three times. Wimpy slowly awoke from his dream of winning the
TOGS and croaked, "Come in. Come in."
Twit entered and greeted Wimpy with the secret Wimp's handshake. Wimpy shook
back. "What brings you here?" Wimpy asked.
"As you may know, Wimpy, I still receive the Aradi Newsletter up at the
retirement home in Andorak. The last two issues have my blood boiling. What I am
trying to say is that I am mad, really mad. I'm going to sue the bastards. I'm
going to sue them for everything they are worth, the worthless bums."
"Hold on. Hold on. Calm down and explain."
"I'm talking about those scum, Yukon and Shadowgate. I'm going to sue the pants
off them. I'll teach them to fool with me. I'm a well-respected, retired fighter.
They won't get away with this. I'll sue their butts off. They'll wish they had
never heard the name Twit. I'll show 'em."
"Stop." Yelled Wimpy. "Slow down and tell me what they did."
"Those bloody jerks have named a radio station, whatever that is, after me.
They are calling it TWIT. They can't do that. I sue their arses off." Seethed
Twit.
"Ok, I get it now. You're talking about that dumb radio thingy they are writing
about in their spotlights. I guess you do have some right to complain."
"Complain, complain," interrupted Twit, "you're damned right I have a right to
complain. Get me a lawyer. Get me the best shyster around. I'll show 'em."
"Alright, alright, I know just who to talk to. If anyone can help you with your
legal rights, he's the one. He meets your requirements and he is a close friend of
mine. I'll send for....
THE JUDGE."
(Possibly to be continued depending on Yukon and Shadowgate and if they want to
settle out of court or not)
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Shadowgate's Third Story: The Note ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Well, Shadowgate had had enough of all the talk of Death Stud's sweaty balls!
He needed to get out of there before he lost his lunch, whether the Twit was done
talking or not! On the way out he grabbed up his cloak and saw that someone had
placed a note in the pocket. Shadowgate swung around on Yukon and Death Stud and
looked at them both, but neither was paying any attention to him, as usual.
Shadowgate reminded himself to ask Yukon who else had been in the guild house
when they met at the gamers anonymous group. GAG didn't seem to have really helped
either of them much, but it was a good way to get info on the newest releases. Last
GAG they had heard there would be a new Ever-crack version out soon called "Ever-
Crack III -- On the Road to Divorce or How to Lose Half Your Stuff". Shadowgate
thought that seemed an odd name but you never know with those Sim people!
Shadowgate walked out onto the street and opened the note, which proceeded to
spew tar and feathers all over his cloak. Thinking quickly, Shadowgate threw the
note to the ground and ducked out of his cloak. Now Shadowgate was really annoyed!
That was a new cloak! They didn't make cloaks like that in human cities; he would
have to make a special trip to see an elven tailor he knew and that wasn't anywhere
one got to easily. Even with his closet portal it would mean a half day wasted
getting there and fitted and another half day picking it up later.
The note had by now stopped spewing tar and Shadowgate could read what was
written on it. It said "MUCK RAKER! GO HOME!" with no one's signature on it.
However, Shadowgate noticed it was in crayon and in purple. It had to be one of the
more enlightened managers of Aradi, as it was written and not a picture. That cut
the suspects down considerably. The most likely candidate was Death Stud, as he
liked purple leggies and could write and had the opportunity to deliver it. He also
had no aversion to snide comment or actions. However, it wasn't really like Yukon
and Shadowgate had said anything new about him in their TWiT show.... It could be
just that Shadowgate had gotten a real TC this last tourney and he hadn't, but he
should have been happy giving Sethra Lavode the one loss that cost him the Eligibles
TC.
Shadowgate opened a portal into his office, bypassing Yukon and Death Stud on
the first floor, and took down one of his older cloaks. Who else had the motive and
could write and would write in purple crayon? The purple crayon could be a red scrod
but he doubted anyone of the managers had the thought process needed to even come up
with that. Then it occurred to him to go into Yukon's office. When he entered he
noticed that there was another similar note left for him on his desk on top of a old
keg and pizza box. After examining it Shadowgate decided that it was either Yukon
himself who had placed the note in his cloak or that Judge was behind the whole
thing. Just like a Judge to go and tar and feather someone and to think purple was
all legal! If Yukon didn't show up at the GAG meeting with tar and feathers all over
himself, Shadowgate would have to find out why he had attacked him and then it would
be payback time.
By the time Shadowgate opened a portal out of him office again back to the
street, he saw Death Stud lumbering down the alley next to the old MOD guild house.
It was just sad that Death Stud had to stay off the main streets; no matter how ugly
and deformed of a little dwarf he was. Every time people saw him they crossed
themselves or spat on him. The children where even worse in that they either
screamed or threw rocks until he left the area. Even the freaks that "entertained"
themselves at his erotic zoo didn't want to see him and so he had hired Soultaker to
run it for him as the front man.
Shadowgate headed for one of the better inns in town to have dinner before he
went to GAG. Shadowgate still didn't understand how Yukon had enough time to go to
all of his special meetings! No wonder he never got better. Thinking about that
over dinner Shadowgate realized Yukon would have never had the time to create those
tar and feather spewing notes. He probably should go warn him about the note, but he
did still owe him for the last couple deaths in 71.
End of Shadowgate's Third Story.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Guardian sat in his study. "I suppose it's time to write some words of wisdom
for those infidels in Aradi." he thought to himself. He walked to his window and
peered out at the darkening sky. "Malaquar, bring me my paper and quill!" he
shouted. Good minions were a dime a dozen these days, how he got stuck with Malaquar
as a minion was a fact Guardian cursed every day. "Worst minion ever! Sometime
today would be nice!"
Several minutes later Malaquar brought in several pieces of parchment and a
quill. The quill was made from Manager's spine, Guardian had picked it up cheap when
Manager stopped using it. "It's about time." Guardian said. Malaquar shot him a
dirty look and walked out. "I really need to take more time when selecting those
minions. I need to find that phone number for Minions-R-Us."
Guardian sat down at his desk and arranged his papers. He cracked his knuckles
and dipped his quill in the ink pot. "Perhaps I should warm up a little, it's been
some time since I've written something of this length." He began to write. Several
minutes later he had scrawled "Damn you Pip the troll" several times, and had a few
doodles of Pip being tortured, hung, and drawn and quartered. Smiling at his
artwork, he once again called for his minion. "Malaquar! Have this sent to Pip
immediately." Malaquar rushed in, took the paper, and left.
"I suppose I should open up with a joke. What's a good one? What's the
difference between Pip and a bucket of crap? The bucket. Hah, too simple. So a
naked lady walks into the bar where Pip's working, a poodle under one arm, a
watermelon under the other, and walks up to Pip and says-- Hah that one would never
clear censoring, I'll save it for the face. Pip walks into a bar with a beautiful
parrot on his shoulder. "Wow!" says the bartender. "That really is something.
Where'd you get it?" "Aljafr," says the parrot. Nah that one's no good. Why does
Pip stink? So the blind can hate him too. No good. Hmm, I'm sure I know a good
one."
"Three managers are traveling in the Aradi jungle, Doc Steele, Guardian, and a
Pip the Troll, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to
Doc Steele, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" Doc responds, "I will
take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When
he is finished Doc has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The
Amazons haul Doc away, and say to Pip the Troll, "What do you want on your back?" "I
will take nothing!" says Pip, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings
without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask
Guardian. He responds, "I'll take the troll." Yeah, that one will do, I'll open
with that joke. Now where can I take it from there?"
Guardian once again walked to his window, now It was completely dark out. "This
is taking too long. It's is all that damn troll's fault!" Guardian got up and opened
the door to his study, "Ah, forget about it, I'll send words of wisdom next turn."
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Food for Thought ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
by Ghoti of Ogres Are Us AKA Stupid Ogres
Morning broke with the voice of CEPL shaking Ghoti awake. "The Boys be cursed!"
he yelled from across the room, knowing shaking Ghoti awake was akin to putting a
rope around ones neck.
"You having delusions again, CEPL?" was Ghoti's pillow muffled response. Ghoti
understood that with CEPL being newly resurrected in a tourney for the favored dead,
made him a bit on edge about everything.
CEPL said "No boss, someone cursed em. They be thinkin they is one of them
ghost things!"
"Ghost things?" mused Ghoti.
Suddenly, echoing down the hall, Ghoti could make out the voices of Somfma and
Smirlin. "Ohh OOOhhhhh Oooooooohhhhh!"
"Diya hear that boss? They sound ghostly!" exclaimed CEPL.
Ghoti's eyes snapped open and he leapt from his bed, realizing what the two must
have done the day before. As Ghoti threw on his green and burgundy, silk lined fur
robe, the room spun (he got up too fast) and the sound of a fog horn rose from the
room next door.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!" Headrock too!. The shout
immediately following was almost as deafening.
"CEPL!!!! MORE CHAMBER POT. THIS ONE FULL!" boomed Headrock. CEPL sped off
down the hall as fast as his little Dorf legs could carry him.
Ghoti turned the corner and pushed open Headrock's door. The sight was
frightening. Headrock was sweating profusely trying to hold back the inevitable.
The chamber pot (for Headrock a trash can had to be improvised. He ate more than a
team of horses.) was overflowing and steam rose from it like it was a flame just
extinguished. The scent burnt ones nose like a three day old entrails pit (with full
summer sun) after a successful rabbit hunting party. Ghoti winced and backed away
from the door as CEPL ushered in 2 more trash cans. The door closed upon his exit
and the crooning from Headrock continued.
Ghoti stood with his back against the opposite wall. Smirlin, Somfma and Hoscha
too, all stood outside their doorways. Only Hoscha looked composed. Ghoti stared
them all down. Minutes later Headrock opened his door, looking as though he had just
come from under a waterfall, with a jumbo cheshire grin on his face. The grin soon
faded as he looked at Ghoti's expression.
"What did you Dumb Ogres go and eat? Like I don't know." asked Ghoti.
Like a well oiled chorus three of the Ogres said, "Chic Peas and Judge-a-roo
meat."
Ghoti sighed with exasperation and asked, "Have I not told you all never to
accept food from any of the other managers? And what in Sam Hill is Judge-a-roo
meat?"
Smirlin, being the smartest and oldest of the gladiators felt compelled to
explain, "Death Stud say it ahhhh...it ahh Kanga...court...judge...ahh I forget but
it no shut up so we wring it neck and eat it. It keep trying to kick Headrock in
family parts and tell us we gonna be suited or something."
"We no like suits." said Somfma. "They don't save none for me. They say it
Yummy and I lucky to lick plates clean." said Hoscha.
"Lucky for you , Hoscha." Said Ghoti. Ghoti was starting to boil over when
suddenly his eyes lit up and a sly smile crawled across his face. "Everyone get
cleaned up and when you are done bring your chamber pots out to the platform in the
back." he said.
He turned to CEPL and handed him a few coins, "Go get me a big can of cocoa
powder from the baker down the street." said Ghoti.
CEPL took the coins and headed off as told.
An hour or so later Ghoti and his team were out back wearing full length rubber
gloves and thick canvas aprons. They proceeded to pour the chamber pots onto baking
paper they covered the sparring platform with. After that, Ghoti had them sprinkle
generous amounts of cocoa powder over the entire thing. Ghoti couldn't get the smell
of chocolate and dead chickens out of his sinuses for days after.
The concoction dried for several days when eventually Ghoti and his team went
out with hammers to break it into small pieces.
Ghoti instructed them, "Take this out to the front gate and sell it. Tell
anyone buying it that it is called Chic Pea clusters and it makes you very smart."
"OK boss!" was the reply they sang.
Ghoti thought it would keep em busy for most of the day, or more if anyone
figured out what it really was. Fifteen minutes later they all returned. Ghoti,
looking perplexed asked, "Why aren't you out selling your clusters?"
"We did." said Smirlin. "Hombre come by and we tell him they Chic Pea Cluster
like you say. He so well oiled today his leg warmer keep falling down!. Anyway we
tell him they make you smart. We tell him it make us so smart we do good last TOGS
turn. He take a taste and go "MMMMMMM" and then buy it all."
"He bought all of it?" asked Ghoti.
"YA!" Said Headrock. "HE SAY IT MAKE GOOD DESERT, GO WITH SPOCKER!".
"WHAT IS SPOCKER?" asked Headrock.
"You can't have any." is all Ghoti said.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Elephant's Tail/Tale ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
A large log landed in the center of the fire sending red sparks flying every
direction. Elephant had just tossed another log onto his already large fire, he and
his wife were sitting next to their fireplace.
"Damn look at that fire."
"I swear you're obsessed with that fireplace."
"Obsessed? No, I just like a nice fire."
"Well, you've outdone yourself this time."
"Look at that nice bed of coals, all nice and hot."
"You're a fricken pyromaniac, aren't you?"
"I'd say borderline. Do you remember that song by Def Leppard?"
"Yes, I remember it. Aren't we getting off topic?"
"What was the topic, my fire?"
"Actually you were gonna tell me why you're called Elephant."
"I was? Didn't I already tell you that story?"
"No."
"Oh, where should I begin?"
"From the beginning."
"Ok, here we go."
"I can hardly wait."
"Stop interrupting me. Kingsport, nothing really ever came out of Kingsport
except for fisherman and farmers.'
"Is this the part where you start talking in third person??
"I thought you weren't gonna interrupt me. No I'm not gonna talking in the
third person."
"Oh, ok."
"The third person? Please, do you think I'm some sort of egomaniac or
something?"
"Do you really want me to answer this?"
"You think I'm an egomaniac?"
"I didn't say egomaniac, you did. I'm sure we can both agree your ego needs to
be put in check from time to time."
"Only by you, only by you."
"So are you going to tell your story about why you're called Elephant or not?"
"Or not."
"Why is that?"
"Because you won't let me, you keep interrupting and now you're saying I have an
ego."
"So you really aren't gonna tell me?"
"Maybe next time. I have to go over strategies with Indimar and my warriors
now."
"Fine, be that way. How are you guys doing anyway?"
"We're doing ok, but there's always room for improvement."
"So you'll late tonight?"
"Not that late."
Elephant stood up and threw another log onto his fire. He then called for one
of his assistants to retrieve his horse, for his riding elephant hadn't arrived yet.
He then handed a small baggie to his assistant to give to his wife.
"Sir, I thought the weed was for mom?"
"I don't pay you to think. If you question me again, you'll be sparring with
one of my warriors. Am I clear?"
"Very clear sir, very clear."
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ R.J.G. ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Vorpal Bunny inched closer to the ledge, "GET BACK I SAY! BACK OR I'LL JUMP!
Don't try to stop me, I'm serious this time!"
Iker rolled his eyes, "When's he gonna give up on the suicide bit. He only
really jumped once and those jagged rocks at the bottom broke his fall."
Bozo shrugged, "I dunno."
Iker noticed Bozo's presence for the first time, "And what are you doing here?
Aren't you supposed to be somewhere else?"
Just then Vorpal Bunny's voice cut through their conversation, "OH!!! THE
HORROR! The MADNESS! Bwahhahahaaaa!"
Sponge Bob gave a shrug, "Maybe we should put him in for a night fight?"
Gourment Gruel nodded in agreement, "I'll second that motion."
"Isn't that a little rough, guys?" Vicious Rumor chimed in.
"NO!" Iker growled, "I want to kill him myself!"
Bozo stood and walked swiftly towards the morose bunny. With a deliberate
motion Bozo pushed him over the edge, "BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!"
Everyone rushed forward quickly, "What were you thinking!!!" Sponge Bob
bellowed.
Gourment Gruel gave him a knowing look.
As they peered over the edge they saw the ridiculous bunny stuck in a tree just
below the ledge, "How stupid is that?" remarked Iker.
Vicious Rumor shook his head, "Very stupid. That may be the stupidest thing
I've ever seen! Well except for Bozo over there."
Sponge Bob got a queer look in his eyes, "I think this spotlight might be the
stupidest thing I've ever seen, but that's just me talkin."
Vorpal Bunny's muffled voice came from somewhere inside the tree, "Help!!!
Somebody help! I think something's broken."
With resigned sighs, everyone headed downstairs. Once they were outside they
were met with a comical scene. Vorpal Bunny was hanging upside down by the seat of
his pants, but those same pants were now down or should we say up around his ankles
and his little cotton tail was exposed to the world.
Iker chuckled, "I've never seen this side of Bunny. I think it's an
improvement."
Vicious Rumor picked up a few rocks and began tossing them at the fuzzy target.
"Ooohhh. That was close." Bozo sounded disappointed. With enthusiasm he picked
up some small stones and joined the fun.
Vorpal Bunny screamed in fury, "HEY!! Stop that! It's not funny! OUCH! C'mon
guys! HEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!"
Iker chose a particularly smooth round stone and after a brief moment of focus,
it sailed through the air and struck the bunny right in his cotton.
With a massive squirm Vorpal Bunny let out a blood curdling squeal and fell to
the ground. Needless to say the rest of the group thought this was quite funny and
continued to toss small stones at the thoroughly embarrassed rabbit.
Shaking and trembling Vorpal Bunny tried to block the stones as they whizzed
past his head, and then he noticed something peculiar. The stones were being thrown
by some little children. He still had his pants on. It had all been a horrible
dream. He suddenly remembered lying down beneath the tree earlier that afternoon.
With a shout he jumped up, "I STILL HAVE MY PANTS ON!!!" and he back into the house
laughing and screaming, "WOO HOO! I STILL HAVE MY PANTS ON!!!"
"That's very nice, Bunny. Is there something we should know?" Sponge Bob asked.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Fa Ching ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
DeGotti's Return
Part 3
Recap of part 2...
DeGotti left Mordant and headed out for Aljafir to attend the funeral of Pan.
The party made its way north through the marsh lands between Caer and Khalhums where
they battled a band of Marsh Trolls. They made their way through the narrow Bandit
Pass in the Daggerspine mountains and arrived at the Isle of the Eye in decent time.
While at the Isle, DeGotti was entertained by none other then Sheila Greywand at
the Weeping Widow and other lesser known places.
It was 3am when Sheila Greywand and I left the swank gentlemen's club called
Little Angels down on Arena Way and 5th Street. The club itself is not easy to find,
it is one of those "word-of-mouth" clubs with no sign above the door. Sheila is more
freaky then she lets on. She is one of those types who after a few Cosmopolitans
loosens up like a dress on prom night.
I awoke the next afternoon in one of Sheila's guest rooms in her palace. The
room was nicely decorated with shields and swords and tiny stick figure art of famous
duels. There was no sign of Sheila and my head was pounding like nobody's business.
I made my way down to the kitchen for a few tall glasses of water and a cheeseburger
and fries. One of the servants told me of an ancient monk, named Tao, who practices
a strange healing technique called acupuncture. She told me if I went to see him he
could get rid of my headache.
So, I made my way downtown to find Tao. The servant's instructions were dead
on, I found his place in no time. I went in to his office and told him my problem
and he asked me a few bizarre questions in return. I was told to take a seat, so I
did and he went into the other room. Tao returned with a tray of tiny needles which
he inserted in various places of my arms and face. They didn't hurt but I felt
better almost immediately. As he was finishing pulling out the last needles, a
messenger came frantically running in and handed me a note.
The note read...
To be continued...
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Thieves Guild ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Nuln's anticipation was killing him and he had to know about his biggest
competition first. "Telleth me, Old Croneth of Nulnrovia, what do the cards sayeth
for Hombre and Ganolus?" Nuln nervously looked as the first card was flipped:
"The Wheel," the old Crone's voice cracked. "Hombre and Ganolus will have luck
and good fortune on their side, but I cannot read into exactly what that will be, as
the cards powers are having trouble getting through that thick layer of tanning oil
covering Hombre's body."
"Crapeth!" Nuln chirped as he pounded his Chaos Gauntlet (tm) covered fist onto
the Crone's table. "Noweth, what about Deatheth Stud and Chromieth?"
Nuln's eyes widened as he saw the next card. "HAHA! Deatheth!" screamed the
Chaos Lord.
"But the card is right side up, my armored friend. This death is but a
cleansing and will be followed by a more powerful rebirth."
Nuln was getting frustrated. "Quickly, onto the nexteth team!" barked Nuln.
Shadowgate and Yukon: the Empress, upside down. "They will be overly caring
and complimentary toward one another and will lose their competitive edge."
Wimpy and the Judge: the Hierophant upside down. "This team will do well, but
against the teams that are blocking your rise to the top and unwittingly help you
cause, oh Chaotic One!"
Jack Wolfspider and CFH: Strength, right side up. "This team will be buried
early but will not give up and finish strong."
Dreidenflahg and Street Legal: The Tower, upside down. "This team will start
strong, but will become overconfident and will crumble at the end."
Elephant and Sir Indimar: The Moon. "Hard to tell, they will have wildly up
and down cycles, doing the best one week and doing the worst the next week, it may
well be too much for them to handle."
Ghoti and Armalias: the Chariot, right side up. "These two have strong loyalty
to, and faith in each other and will ruthlessly win at any cost."
Anti and Snotman: the Devil, upside down. "The obsessions and addictions of
these two will cause them to climb the mountain and leap over the peak without
knowing the horror of what is on the other side, and will destroy themselves."
The Greek Guy and Rillion: Love, right side up. "If you don't do something, Oh
Chaos Lord, these two will become spiritually perfect, and probably win this
contest."
Onedawg and Master Darque: the Sun. "Ahhh, these two will be bathed in light
and warmth and while they may not win, they will do well all the way through and will
be satisfied with their finish."
Pip the Troll and Guardian: Temperance, upside down. "Don't worry Nuln, these
two will spend so much time arguing about the best ways to win, that they will miss
the contest completely."
Rage Man and DeGotti: Justice. "You can overlook these two now, oh Black
Knight of blackness, but they will win the next contest they enter together."
Rude Buddha and Mannequin: Emperor, upside down. "Mannequin will falsely
appear to his partner to be a charismatic and intelligent leader and will only lead
them both into the pits of despair."
Nuln had processed so much information by the time he got to the end of his list
and had so much planning to do, that he wasted no time with the small talk that a
Chaos Lord and an Old Crone would normally partake in and just flipped her the gold
pieces and darted out of the tent to his Plane Traveling machine (tm) and headed back
to Aradi.
The problem was, Nuln's list didn't include his own team and heforgot to ask
about his own future.... The Old Crone flipped one last card and the cackle of an
Old Crone could be heard throughout Nulnrovia. The Crone took her hood back and
there sat Manager with the wickedest wicked-grin he could muster up. "My work here
is done."
-- Thieves Guild
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ My Best Buds 2 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
The five stablemates sat around laughing. They passed around a small smoking
device as they munched on various forms of food. There was several different meat
dishes, several types of desserts, and a large jug of ale that they all had poured
hearty glasses full from. They sat around laughing and talking of yesterday's
fights. They had done all right but they knew they would not get more than their
usual one day off before they resumed training for the following week. So they were
attempting to enjoy their day off the best they could.
One in particular had earned himself a distinction he had not hoped to garner,
he was the only winless member of the team now, and he was hearing it from his
teammates. Although the ribbing was all in good fun it was particularly hard to take
from his former winless brother who had garnered his first victory. "So I guess
you'll be cleaning up the locker room yourself this week huh Skunky boy, " he chided.
Skunk wanted to answer back but he was not feeling particularly vocal after his
poor showing, he knew he was going to catch hell for it. In fact he worried it may
cost him his life even.
Pot Pourri walked over and placed his hand on Skunk's shoulder, "You know I'm
just messing with you, don't you? Come on, buck up, we'll help you pull outta this,
don't sweat it." Skunk smiled a weak smile which quickly faded as he heard heavy
footsteps coming down the hallway, he was certain of who it was.
Clearly not happy with the recent results his stable had showed, the manager
stormed into the meeting room. Heads hung low as he paced back and forth saying
nothing audibly but cursing under his breath. Each and every one of them knowing
that this was inevitable but still unprepared to deal with the verbal outburst that
was undoubtedly about to occur. Back and forth the figure paced over and over, then
suddenly stopping in front of one of them and locking his eyes in a fierce gaze upon
him. The tall warrior, who had yet to produce a win tried to avoid the glare but
there was nowhere to hide.
A verbal tirade directed at the unfortunate young gladiator spewed forth. "How
could you not manage to land more than one blow in 4 minutes? I don't care how good
his defenses are, you should easily be able to land more than one blow, my
grandmother could land more than one blow, " he shouted. The poor warrior opened his
mouth to respond but never uttered a sound, after all he had just been hit with the
dreaded, "my grandmother could do better than that, " statement. And he indeed
realized that there was little he could say in retort to such a statement without
making it worse, especially since it held some truth to it, he had performed well
below what he should. "You will report to the training room right now, today DC has
planned a special practice session for you, and you only, today. Make good use of
it, my young man, because you are treading on thin ice right now; if your performance
does not show improvement you will be the first one to fight at night from this
team."
"The rest of you have some things to think about." He stared over to the only
undefeated member of the team and nodded, "You have shown well, Graffix, but you
nearly gave that fight away so even you have room to improve," he spoke more softly
than he had before. He looked to Pot Pourri and congratulated him on his first
victory and gave some encouraging words, he knew that a gentle hand might be more
effective in keeping his performance up. Looking at Maui he simply shook his head a
few times back and forth. They both knew he should have done far better in his fight
then he did. "How could you make such average attacks after you have come so far up
to now? I fully expected a hard fought battle but a win from you in that match up.
You will work on your offense this week, but I am still pleased overall with how
you've fought," he said. His eyes finally locked onto the single female on the team.
"How could you have let that fight slip away from you, young lady," he said in a tone
that clearly showed his disappointment. "We're going to have to work on that killer
instinct of yours, teach you how to finish a fight off at all costs. I'm sure DC
will come up with something special for you to do these upcoming weeks."
He walked from the room and stormed back down the hallway, and up the stairs to
his room. The four remaining sat quietly for a moment looking at each other
silently. For many minutes nobody spoke a word but they resumed their pre-speech
activities of smoking and eating, minus poor old Skunky, all their thoughts turned to
him. "I wonder what they've got him doing right now," Graffix said in a curious
voice.
"I have no idea, I'm just glad that I am out of the doghouse for now," Pot
Pourri said with a small smirk on his face. The activities returned to normal after
nearly an hour and the room again filled with smoke and the sound of their laughter
as they joked amongst themselves.
Meanwhile in the training area the giant man they called Skunky ran lap after
lap of the small open area, stopping only to do some training with lifting some heavy
objects. Sweat poured from his brow as for hours on end his physical endurance was
pushed to the limit. He was given nearly an hour off to rest before Death Commander
called him back to work on his attacks. The Lord Protector stood there with his
broadsword and shield, fending off every single attack launched at him for 15
straight minutes before Skunky collapsed to the ground in total exhaustion. DC stood
over him to see for sure that he was still breathing after the vigorous training
session then walked off silently leaving the behemoth panting on the sands of the
training arena. His eyes shut, his breath deep, he prayed to the gods to give him
the knowledge necessary to make it through this whole thing alive.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Another beautiful sunset in Aradi went unnoticed. The sun slowly sinking on the
horizon. Orange and amber reflecting off the water, filling the bay with dancing
light. The gentle rhythmic waves lapped at the aging docks. The seagulls getting
ready for their nights slumber went undisturbed as a shadowy figure slowly drifted
from the peer up into the island city.
Street lights lit the cobblestone streets for the grey cloaked figure to stalk
his way into the city. Without the moon, the man drifted in and out of sight down
the shadowy streets, giving no mind to the taverns or other tourist stops. Without
being noticed, he drifted past the drunken masses. Passing the beautiful
architecture and statues of Aradi's leaders and heroes, he disappeared into the heart
of the city.
The interior streets of Aradi are not for the faint of heart. Once darkness
falls, the local peddlers and merchants relinquish the streets and alleys to a darker
cast. Harlots and thieves make up the majority, and more than a few pirates have
made this their place of business. But tonight a darker creature stalked the
streets. The banners flickered overhead, lost in the darkness, as the grey cloaked
man pressed his way through the maze. Stopping briefly to remember, a scream in the
distance fell on deaf ears. Then finally his journey ended at the Gladiatorial
Commission's main office.
Standing in front of the huge oak doors, the man reach out slowly revealing his
skinny grey skinned arm. Pressing his open hand firmly against the wood, he
whispered softly, "Remember...." The smell of burning wood mixed with the salt air
filled the ancient mage's lungs in a seemingly painful delight. Lifting his head
back enjoying the intoxicating smell, a small pleasure for a tortured soul and
failing body. He let his hand slip from the door leaving the impression of his
clawed hand burnt into the wood. Hunching back over to his normal broken posture, he
paused a moment in reflection. His eyes focused on the great mountain that set at
the east side of the coliseum as soft thunder rumbled in the distance.
"The hour is late to be walking these streets alone," the mage spoke as the moon
tried to escape the dark clouds.
"You should not have come back," a voice from the dark.
"I had to, old friend," the mage turned to face his guest.
"I see you remember me." The mage lifted his cloak back revealing his face.
The pale withered face and coal black eyes focused on Wimpy. Trying to smile,
showing his canines, it looked more like a snarl. Wimpy walked fearlessly, yet
slowly to meet with Genocide in front of the commission doors.
"Why did you come back here? Are you entering a new team?" probed Wimpy.
The thunder rolled again as the storm started to close in on the island city.
"New team?" he replied softly, gently shaking his head. "I see you have prospered
over the years." He admired Wimpy's fine robes.
"An honest living!" Wimpy stated firmly.
"Of course, of course," reassuringly. "Of course, a man of honor."
"Why are you here, wizard? If not to start a new team, then...." He glanced up
towards the mountain, now seeming to loom over the arena, as lightning flashed again.
"You're...insane" He looked back at the ancient one. Genocide now glared at Wimpy,
his hands clutched together, in utter delight. The wimps were gradually starting to
pick up.
"Your orc hordes are gone, Genocide. They were slain, driven from the city back
into the cavern and sealed. Your mountainside guildhouse is near ruins.
Trying to discourage. "Nooooo," he replied softly. "The council fires of Metru
Nui burn still. Their numbers have grown strong again." Gradually lifting his voice
and arms as if speaking to the angry clouds above. "My children call to me!!" And
at that feverish moment lightning screamed across the night sky crashing into the
mountainside followed by a delayed explosion.
Wimpy stumbled slightly. "Impressive," he stated calmly. "This is still my
home." Spoken more calmly. "This is still home of my people."
The rain began to fall as Genocide looked to the angry clouds above. "A storm
is coming." He lowered his unblinking gaze at Wimpy.
Wimpy met his gaze. "I've got better things to do than stand in the rain.
Don't expect a warm welcome, old man." Lifting his hood and covering his head, Wimpy
whipped his cloak as he turned away.
Genocide began to laugh, louder and louder into mad laughter. As the rain
picked up, lightning flashed again and the grey one was gone. Perhaps this night
would not unnoticed after all....
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Lurocians Reloaded, Part III ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
The blackness slowly started to fade. I struggled to open my eyes. My head was
throbbing. The room slowly came into focus as my eyes adjusted to the low light
level of the room. I scanned the room slowly and saw that I was alone. The only
thing in the room besides the bed I was on were a few chairs near the far wall. I
heard a sound and turned in time to see a door opening behind me. Through the door
walked two men. Both were dressed in some strange black outfit. Not really a robe.
It was like nothing I've ever seen worn. They also had some strange things covering
their eyes that hid their eyes from me. They grabbed the two chairs and walked over
towards me. They sat the chairs on the floor right next to me and sat down. I also
noticed a third man dressed in black that was coming in the door as well. Whatever
they wanted, I didn't think it was going to be good.
One man stepped forward and spoke. " Mr. Greekerson, I presume"
"Yeah. Who are you guys?" I asked
"My name is Manager Smith. We're looking for someone and think you may be able
to help." Smith replied.
" Do you know were Sandeous is?" he asked.
I was speechless. How could he know I was to meet her the next day? I feigned
ignorance.
"Who? I've never met anyone with that name." I replied, which was technically
true.
"Mr. Greekerson, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. However, one way
or another, you will tell me what you know." he snorted.
"Look, I don't know where you get your information from but I've never met any
Sandeous." I shot back.
"Very well." he replied.
With that the other two guys grabbed my arms and held me down. Manager Smith
pulled a vial out of his pocket which had some weird looking creature in it. He
opened the vial and dumped the creature on my chest. It crawled around and then
slowly made its way up my chest towards my neck. It was slimy to the touch. It
crawled up my neck and onto my face. It then started to crawl straight up my nose.
I screamed out in pain and then blackness hit me again. I awoke with a start and
found myself in my own bed. I looked around anxiously but all seemed normal. Wow,
that was one hell of a dream, I thought. The sun was out and it was getting late. I
had my meeting with Sandeous to get to. I pulled the parchment out from under my bed
and read the name and address to the hotel again. I'd have to hurry to get there on
time. I got dressed quickly and left for town. The hotel was only a few miles from
my house. If I ran I should make it in plenty of time. I rounded the corner and
could see the hotel in the distance just as dusk was approaching. I opened the door
and walked into the lobby. I quickly glanced back to make sure no one had followed
me. I didn't see anyone so I started to scan the lobby to look for the person I met
earlier.
"Glad you could make it." a voice came from behind me.
"Grasinity, and I've come to take you to see Sandeous." she replied. "Follow
me." she said.
She led me through a door in the back and into the alley.
"Get in the cart." she said.
I stepped into the cart and there was another guy already there.
"My name's Cap'n K." he said. "It's great to finally meet you." he said as he
smiled.
"You too." I said. "Umm one question though. Why are you holding that chicken
in your lap?" I asked.
"Well...ummm...let's just say I like chickens." he stammered.
I decided to drop the subject. Grasinity got in beside me and we started on our
way.
To be continued
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
TOGS Wars: Chapter Eighty Nine Thousand Two Hundred Sixty Five - A TOGS Hope (Part 3)
Back at the remote Aradi Fishing Village from Part 1:
"NOOOO!!!!!" cried Rillion VodkaDrinker as he came across the smoking ruins of
his family's hut. He rushed inside to see a half eaten bowl of rabbit stew sitting
on the smoldering table. He went back outside and found Master Darque. "There's
nothing left for me here anymore. I guess I can go with you to find warn the
Basketweaving society in Aruaki now."
Meanwhile a few hours later at the City of Aradi:
Rillion saw the FONZTroopers outside the gates of Aradi interrogating all
travelers entering Aradi. He started to get really nervous, so he did what he always
did when he started to get nervous, he took another drink from his flask. Eventually
Rillion and Master Darque got to the front of the line. One of the FONZTroopers
looked the pair over and fixed his gaze on the duck that was sitting on Rillion's
shoulder. R2Driedenflahg turned towards the FONZTrooper and quacked loudly,
"Aflac!". The FONZTrooper started to reach for his sword, but Master Darque waved
his hand in the air, and started tapping each of the FONZTroopers on the head, "Duck"
he said as he tapped the first FONZTrooper, "Duck" he said as he tapped the other
FONZTrooper on the head, "Goose" he said as he tapped R2Driedenflahg on the head.
The two FONZTroopers immediately started to try to arrest the other FONZTrooper
thinking he was a duck. As the FONZTroopers wrestled with each other, Master Darque
and Rillion ran past them and into Aradi.
Eventually the pair plus duck made their way to Farmer boB's Cantina, a new
addition to Farmer boB's Bovine Pleasure Farm. Immediately after stepping inside the
cantina, a large bouncer named Indimar stopped the pair. "No ducks! If the people
here wanted to fool with foul fowl they'd go to the Chicken Ranch." He grabbed the
duck by the neck and shoved him into a cage. He put the cage on a counter labeled
"Chicken Check" and handed Rillion VodkaDrinker a Chicken Check Claim Chad.
R2Driedenflahg was quacking "Aflac!" repeatedly to protest the rough handling. "You
can pick up your bellowing belligerent bird on you way out."
Master Darque calmed R2Driedenflahg down and said to Rillion, "You go up to the
bar while I ask around for a ship."
"Way ahead of you," called back Rillion as he prepared to down a shot of Kettel
One over at the bar. As Rillion was attempting to down a second shot, a short
creature with a long phallic 'trunk' of a nose standing next to Rillion at the bar
elbowed him, causing him to spill the shot. "Hey, you made me spill my shot," whined
Rillion. The Elephantish creature chuckled loudly.
Indimar the bouncer approached and said, "my friend doesn't like you. He
doesn't like any duck didlers."
"I'm not a duck didler," objected Rillion as he attempted to sop up the spilled
vodka with a napkin which he then proceed to put into his mouth so he could salvage
some of his spilled shot.
"I don't like duck didlers either," said Indimar threateningly. Just as Indimar
and Elephant were reaching for their swords to cut down the unfortunate VodkaDrinker
there was a load humming sound followed by screams of pain and shouts of panic. The
pair turned to see Master Darque cutting his way through the crowd with a magical
midimajiger powered saber. Master Darque's midimajiger powered saber lunged forward
with awesome cutting power and sliced off Indimar's head and Elephant's trunk-like
nose. The spectators cringed at the power of the blow. The pair lost their footing
and fell!!! They were bleeding badly!
Master Darque handed the bartender some gold and asked for a bottle of Skky. He
handed the bottle to Rillion and said "Come, neophyte VodkaDrinker, I have found us a
ship captain, you can carry this bottle of Skky over to the table where our captain
awaits."
(To Be Continued because I've reached this turn's requirement)
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Founding of Wing Hove ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Indimar Fallon completed his examination of the bookshelves and turned toward
the fireplace to continue his pacing. A glance at the clock on the mantle reminded
him that Tib Arne would be expecting his decision shortly. The only hold-up was the
fact that he had not yet reached a decision. He had not been thinking too clearly
since finding out that this villa would be home to him and his new stable if he
accepted the job.
"Why don't you just let it sink in while I give you a guided tour," Arne had
told him that afternoon. "My employers put only two requirements on you, should you
decide to take their offer. First, you must compete in TOGS, and second, the team
must be called Wing Hove. As long as you meet those requirements all of your
expenses will be covered and you will receive bonuses based on performance."
Indimar and Tib Arne had spent the remainder of the afternoon inspecting the
facilities that had been set up for the team. It was almost as if Indimar had
designed it himself. From the armor and weapons to the quarters set aside for the
warriors, it was perfect. He was a little shocked to find out that a weaponsmith, an
armorer, and a physician would be residing on the premises.
They finished up their tour at the door to the very study where Indimar now was
busy with his deliberation.
"One more thing," said Arne, "It's my job to recruit warriors. Training them to
the point of graduating to the isle will be yours. What happens after that is
something I am not at liberty to discuss until I have your commitment. I'll expect
your answer at dinner. I sincerely hope you will decide to sign on."
Indimar had spent the time after that trying to come up with an answer. On the
surface it looked way too good to be true, but try as he might Indimar could not see
anything that could be negative for him. He decided he would put his suspicion aside
and become the manager of Wing Hove at least for the duration of TOGS.
As he turned toward the door, a cold wind from the sea surrounding Aradi blew in
through an open window, sending a deep chill through Indimar's calves and ankles.
"That would explain all the leg warmers I saw coming through town," thought
Indimar. "I wonder if they come in any color besides nipple pink?"
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Nulninator Part III ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
I Need a Catchy Title!
"Okay, so I need to find the Drunken Master Rillion," Nuln said out loud as he
meandered down the streets of Aradi. He was on a quest to find the demon Master
Darque and kill him before he could mature and throw a wrench in his future plans.
He had time-traveled back 20 years to kill the necromancer before he could become a
threat to Nuln's own plans of goat domination.
The task was more difficult than he had originally planned. First of all, he
never thought of how he would actually find the demon upon entering the past.
Arriving in the past, he had to secure clothing (no legwarmers, since they were not
yet in style), find a means of reaching the demon, and he had yet to plan how he was
going to assassinate Master Darque when he did find him. Nothing was going according
to the half-baked, good-for-nothing, knuckle draggin', neanderthal, elongated cranium
scheme he had cooked up only a few days earlier. He should have listened to the
others when they told him it was doomed to failure. Or, they hadn't exactly said it
was doomed, but they just patted him on the head, smiled, and moved away from him as
quickly as legs could carry him.
"Maybe I can find the other FONZ members and they can help me!" he suddenly
realized. "No, I better stick to the course that I have before me and find this
Drunken Master. The Greek Adolescent said he would be able to pinpoint where I can
find that little demon."
He followed the directions that TGA had given him and finally come to a less-
than-reputable part of Aradi. Bars decorated every corner of the street and fights
among drunks, urchins and tavern bouncers raged continuously.
"This is the spot where he said I would find him. The Welcome Wench bar should
be right over there!" Nuln worked his way down the avenue dodging the various melees
that were taking place and the occasional lout who could not hold his liquor.
Eventually he stood before the doors of The Welcome Wench bar.
He walked through the swinging doors and the room was astir. It was packed from
wall to wall with patrons and serving wenches. A band was playing on the eastern
wall. Well, it was sort of a band. A banjo and accordion player played to the
discomfort of the listeners. Nuln rather liked the music.
"Now to find Rillion," he thought to himself. TGA said all I needed to do was
speak the magic words and the Drunken Master will appear. He steadied himself for
the incantation. Palms sweating, eyes burning, and underwear chaffing Nuln spoke the
magic chant, "CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK!"
A large mass of humanity fell upon Nuln. He was not exactly sure where it came
from because he was not near the stair case of balcony of the bar.
"Hey big guy, I like you! Do you like me?" the mass slobbered into Nuln's ear.
"Now, how about that drink before my mouth gets too dry."
"Are you Rillion, the Drunken Master?" Nuln gasped trying to catch his breath.
"I sure am big guy! Who are you? And how about that drink? You can't just go
around saying magic words like that and not hold up to your end of the bargain,"
Rillion eyed Nuln suspiciously.
"Oh, certainly!" Nuln motioned to a serving wench to bring a few drinks. "TGA
sent me to you. He said that you can help me locate someone."
"Yes, I can find anyone you need finding, no matter where they are, big guy,"
Rillion assured him. "Who you trying to find?"
"A demon by the name of Master Darque. He is a very evil demon, and I must
destroy him to save the goats, uh...I mean the world."
"Damien Darque, yeah, I have heard of him. Deviant little bastard that he is,
it is still gonna cost you before I agree to locate him for you. He is probably in a
pocket dimension of Abyss also. You sure you want to go? How you gonna defeat him?
You don't look able to do the job yourself," Rillion questioned.
"He is just a child, how much trouble could he be?" Nuln scoffed at the notion
that he couldn't beat a small child. Sure, he would have trouble with a young teen
and even an elderly quadriplegic, but certainly not a small boy no more than 5 years
of age.
"Demonkind grow to full maturity in about a year. Didn't do your homework huh?
Sure, he is just a small fry, but he is at full power," Rillion was quite amused at
Nuln sudden dilemma.
"I'll think of something. You just have to find him," Nuln snapped.
Rillion smiled, "I can find him no problem, now we need to discuss my fee. You
must bring me a shrubbery! No wait, wrong script! I'm cheap and easy, I'll do it
for a bottle of Jack."
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Five Spheres ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
For every creature, great and small, there are persons who look out for their
well-being. Some believe in a moral responsibility, some a deep compassion. For
whatever reason, these people feel that they must do whatever possible to champion
the defenseless, to provide a voice for the silent, to open the door for those
without thumbs.
Many of us feel that our obligation goes beyond the actions that are condoned by
human laws. We feel that the overweening righteousness of our actions balance any
"laws" that we may violate.
My ideals have forced me to this desperate action but I see no alternative. The
actions of certain individuals in the cesspool known as Aradi have become so
abominable that a cleansing of biblical proportions is the only hope for the poor
animals. The disgusting scourge of affection heaped upon their furry bodies can only
be stopped through extreme measures.
I have to destroy the Temple of Khorne.
Why not boB's Chicken Ranch or Master Darque's home for toothless kittens?
Their time will come, but more virulent is the disease known as the Fonz. The
Fonzites are the most heinous in their abuses and the most convenient in their
congregations. One well-placed destructive event eliminates four of the worst
offenders. Hombre, the "cuddler", Death-Stud, and his "hide-the-helmet game",
Ganolus, who loves nature a little too passionately, and Snotman, whose actions
aren't really that unnatural but just a little icky, must all die.
Some of you are thinking that the Temple of Khorne is indestructible, being made
of unbreakadmantanium, but you are mistaken. Unbreakadmantanium is capable of
withstanding ridiculous heat and pressure (which comes in handy after the annual
chili cook-off or Soultaker's semi-annual bowel movement) but cannot hold up under
uber-ridiculous heat and pressure.
An explosive capable of uber-ridiculous heat and pressure isn't something that
you buy off the shelf in K-Mart. You have to order it from the Sharper Image
catalogue.
My order shipped yesterday.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
----- ----- ----- Soultaker ----- ----- -----
Death Stud paced back and forth in his living room. His mind raced as he
mentally prepared for the coming morning. At last, his day had arrived. Death Stud
was finally able to unload his growing burden. Tomorrow he would begin his lessons
to the masses on the proper managerial method to success. Surprisingly, Death Stud
started to become agitated as he continued to circle the room. He began to bang his
fist into the palm of his other hand. The Stud's face began to grow bright red, and
he started mumbling. Incoherent sentences decorated with numerous descriptive pieces
of profanity poured profusely from the quivering jowls of the Stud.
Coming to a halt, Death Stud grabbed his fuscia cape and stomped out of his
guildhouse. "I am not going to let myself get all worked up over those parasites. I
have carried them long enough. I deserve a break. I am the great one. They only
want to drag me down," Death Stud spat out as he marched down the street.
The cool evening air seemed to have a cooling effect on the miniature monarch.
Wiping his sleeve across his mouth, Death Stud noticed it covered with a foamy slime.
With stark realization, Stud decided that he had let the FONZ get to him again.
"Damn," Stud swore. "I need a few drinks," Stud mumbled as he turned and walked
swiftly to the secret FONZ getaway.
Death Stud slid silently along the buildings using the shadows to stop and look
back to see if he was followed. After many twists and turns, Death Stud finally went
down a filthy alley. Upon arrival at the back of an old run down building, Stud
wrapped sharply 3 times, paused and knocked 2 times, followed by 4 knocks. After a
brief pause, a small slot opened near the top of the door. A dim light played out
into the alley. "Who's there," a deep voice rumbled.
"It is I, Death Stud. I wish to enter," Stud replied all the while puffing out
his chest and placing his hands on his hips.
Another small slot slid open, but this time just below half way up the door.
"Ahh, you look to be the right size but what is the password," the deep voice
growled, but this time it had more then a hint of supressed laughter.
Death Stud stamped his foot and began barking obscenities. Behind the door a
deep laughter drowned out the whaling of the puny prince. "Just kidding master
Stud," the deep voice rang out as the door slowly opened.
"One day that sense of humor is going to get you in trouble," Stud huffed as he
swept past the burly doorman. Death Stud felt secure as he looked around the room.
This was the super secret FONZ getaway. This was a place where he could just relax
and not be pestered by the other managers of Aradi. Here he was king, and here is
where he taught those that followed him.
"The rest of your group is in the back room," a slightly overweight barmaid
offered as she carried a tray full of mugs to the waiting tables.
"It was worth the monthly charge to be able to have a secret place to go," Death
Stud thought as he open the door to the back room and went in. There was the rest of
the FONZ all seated around a large round table. Stud noticed the table was covered
with what looked like a large bedsheet or something like that. The top of the table
had a huge stack of empty mugs stacked in an ever rising pyramid. No one seemed to
notice his arrival, and that really hurt his feelings.
"Hey, what's going on," Death Stud asked as he moved over to the table.
Like someone coming out of a dream, the FONZites turned to acknowledge
diminutive duke. "Sorry, Stud, didn't see ya come in," Soultaker responded.
"Yeah, like we were really into something and didn't hear ya," Ben Wa offered.
"What are you doing? You all look like you just got your teeth pulled or
something. What's with your face Ganolus?" Death Stud looked from one manager to
the other.
"It's a new game Snotman brought back from vacation. It's called smiles," Nuln
interjected and went back to the deadpan look the rest of them had.
"Where is Snotman," Stud asked.
"He's a little busy right now but he should be available before too much longer.
Why don't you sit and wait," Anti suggested. That comment drew a sharp elbow to the
ribs from Inferno.
Everyone around the table shot an evil glare at Anti. Death Stud picked up on
the look and pulled a chair over towards the table. "How about letting me play,"
Death Stud pleaded.
"Ahhh, hummmmm, you can't just yet the game has already started. Maybe you can
get in the next one," Inferno said.
"Well, at least tell how it is played," Death Stud whined.
"Well, it is sort of like the first one to smile has to buy the round of drinks.
Just watch and you will figure it out," Nuln snickered.
Death Stud shook his head, mystified by the cryptic answers of his fellow
FONZites. Leaning back in his chair, Stud watched each and every one of them around
the table make their face completely blank. Then all of a sudden one of them would
contort their face into some hideous grimace. Soultaker's head began to turn bright
red. His right eye clamped tight as his teeth ground together. Then all of a sudden
there was a sharp exhalation of air and Soultaker resumed the same frozen stare.
Stud then saw Nuln's face begin to change. Nuln's mouth dropped wide open and his
eyes started crossing. Next his jaw started trembling and his hands gripped the edge
of the table. Just like with Soultaker, Nuln shuddered and slowly tightened his face
into a stoic stare. Each of the managers at the table seemed stricken with the same
malady. Barnabas was the next one to catch Stud's attention. It didn't seem like
they were ever going to get rid of the pest. Stud looked on as Barnabas's eyes began
to protrude out of his skull. His lips fell slack and began to quiver. His left eye
started twitching and his ears turned bright red. All of a sudden, a sound like the
bellow of a newborn calf burst from Barnabas's lips. His body started into
convulsions as he slammed his fists on the table. Just as quickly as the seizure
began it was over and Barnabas slowly slid down in his chair and a smile formed.
Cheers broke out from the managers around the table. "That is another one for
you rookie," Soultaker chanted.
"Two for Barnabas and two for Anti. Got to love these free drinks," Inferno
cried out and finished it with a large belch.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Snotman and the Spooky Kids, Part 3 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
By now the Halloween party was in full swing, with guests dressed in all sorts
of outlandish costumes mingling and sampling delicious savory pastries. Snotman
stood on the balcony and looked out over the horde of people. A feeling of warm
satisfaction suffused his body and he thought to himself, "We really pulled off a
great party!"
He straightened his bow-tie, adjusted his tuxedo, tapped his cane and took off
in an elaborate series of dance steps. "Wow, you can dance", a voice exclaimed.
Snotman broke off his moves immediately and whirled around. He ended up
regretting it. Hombre was wearing a low-cut toga, that dipped down to expose his
right nipple and his belly button. The toga was just barely long enough to cover the
top of his thighs. As always, the rest of his tanned body was glistening with oil.
And special for tonight he has curled his blond hair into gentle ringlets. "Dammit
Hombre, this is a costume party, what are you dressed as? As nudist?"
Hombre smiled, "That's a great idea, I might use it next year. No actually, I'm
Adonis. Given my stunning good looks and amazing physique, I thought it was the only
reasonable costume for me. So, Snotto, where'd you learn to dance?"
Snotman grudgingly admitted, "Ok, I guess that really is a costume. You aren't
even wearing your leg warmers. And you are wearing ancient Greek style sandals."
Hombre grimaced, "I know. You know that there is no way I'd be caught dead
wearing white after Labor Day if it wasn't a costume. And would you believe that
Versace and Armani don't make any sandals of this style?" He lowered his voice, "I
bought these off the rack. At a store that targets gladiators, no less. You are
looking at the Striker 10k. Guaranteed to add two decise skills or your money back.
And speaking of the leg warmers, without them, I've become a little chilly. It's
actually why I came up here to find you."
As he said this, he pointed at his erect nipple as proof. For a second Snotman
considered saying, "Suck it up! I walked around naked for 8 years and you didn't
hear me complain about being cold!" but Hombre was a guest and he didn't want
anything to mar his perfect evening, "I'll get someone on it, Hombre. How much do
you want me to raise the temperature by?"
Hombre delicately measured the size of his rampant nipple, "I'd think that 7
degrees would be plenty to melt these suckers back into my perfectly molded pec."
Snotman was relieved when the massive Gates of Khorne opened and revealed an
enormous man, "Ok, Hombre, you got it. Now Inferno has just arrived, you'll have to
excuse me."
Hombre was pinching his right nipple and gently caressing his left thigh (I'll
clarify, Hombre was pinching his own nipple and gently caressing his own thigh) and
whispering to himself, "You are dead sexy, baby. God, I make me hot!" as Snotman
headed for the door.
Inferno was a giant, standing at least 7'6" (size 22) and his chest was probably
5'6" (size 8) around. He was wearing some sort of round metal body suit and hoisting
a 2 liter tankard in his right hand. As Snotman approached, he saw that it said MGD
on the side of suit and he realized that it was a rather large keg. When he saw
Snotman, Inferno pulled a red cup off the top of the keg and held it in his teeth.
Using only his left hand, he pumped the keg and had the cup full by the time Snotman
arrived. He offered the cup to Snotman, "Want it, it's the best beer money can buy!"
Snotman blanched as he thought about the fact that Inferno was actually inside a
working keg, "Actually, I already have a glass a wine, I think I'll stick with that.
Don't want to mix my alcohols."
Inferno shrugged, "You always were a bit of a wuss when it comes to drinking"
and he poured the red cup down his throat in a single gulp.
Inferno surveyed the crowd of colorful managers, "Looks like you guys went all
out on the decoration...but kinda a sausage party."
Snotman smiled, "As you may be aware, there aren't any female managers in the
TOGS this year, in fact, I don't think that there is a single female manager in Aradi
right now. But I've got everything taken care of."
Snotman thumbed his walkie-talkie, "Send in the first wave."
A set of double doors opened and 15 women wearing slinky black dresses and
domino masks emerged. The decolletage on the dresses exposed great expanses of milky
white flesh. Inferno's face split into a grin, "Now I remember why I traveled all
the way from Primus to this one horse town for your party. Aradi has more busty
barmaids than any other city I've seen."
Inferno clapped Snotman on the back, "You've done well, my friend. But 15
barmaids isn't going to be any where near enough for a crowd this big."
Snotman recovered his top hat, dusted if off and said, "You big lug, you are too
busy staring at the creamy curves to see the big picture."
Inferno took another look around the room and realized what Snotman was saying.
The crowd was slowly backing away from the women, confusion and dismay apparent on
the faces of the managers. Snotman thumbed the walkie-talkie, "Ok, send out the
second wave."
Immediately the doors opened again and another set of women emerged. These ones
were completely naked except for the body-paint they wore. Some were painted like
cows, some like sheep and others like chickens. There was a massive clamor from the
crowd of managers and they surged forward spewing lines like, "Come here often?
Haven't I seen you somewhere before? There must be an angel missing from heaven. If
I said that you had a nice udder, would you hold it against me?"
Snotman sighed, "It's not really what most of them are used to, but it's close
enough to keep them happy. I suspect that several of them will wake in the morning,
confused by the night's events and surprised by the woman lying next to them in bed.
Some of them may even question their sexuality. But I wasn't gonna have any damn
livestock at my party. Except for Soultaker's poor chicken. And Wayne King the
Goat, but he's hardly livestock, he's got a name and everything."
As Snotman said Wayne King's name, he spotted his friend across the room. Wayne
King had painted black spots on his side. "Isn't that cute, he's a goat dressed as a
cow!"
Snotman started walking across the room and then turned back to Inferno, "I
think that the women are pretty much all for you. Enjoy. And if you encounter
Yukon, I think that he'll take you up on that drink."
Thus ends part three of Snotman and the Spooky Kids. The story is moving right along
at a breakneck pace. I may get to the actually plot soon.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Pip's Trip ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Pip prepared his belongings to head out to Aradi. "Better late than never." he
thought. Loading up the wagon had taken a few weeks longer than he thought. Knowing
Aradi was as isolated island under the grips of rampant FONZunism, he'd felt it would
be better to bring one of everything. Pip hopped in and headed out down the road.
He'd been traveling for some time, and Pip had to go the bathroom. So he pulled
over at a roadside tavern. He went inside, found the bathroom, and went. When he
was done in this strange, unfamiliar bathroom he went to exit. He found that the
door was locked. Pip began to panic. He stood there for a short time, and then
began pounding and yelling for someone to come and get him out. After about ten
minutes of the yelling and pounding, a kid walked in behind him. Pip looked around
and realized that he had been pounding on the broom-closet door for ten minutes. He
just looked at the kid like he knew what he was doing and just walked out.
After an uneventful ferry ride over to Aradi, Pip began to make his way from the
ferry dock to the guildhouse he'd rented. Pip pulled out his map, looked at it for a
few moments, and thought, "Let's see, the place is at 5th and Main, so according to
this map I should go this way." Within minutes he was hopelessly lost in the worst
part of Aradi. "Maybe when I get outta this rotten neighborhood I'll ask for
directions."
So a few miles later Pip stopped at a local Slop King to ask directions. Pip
said, "Hi guys, since you work here I can only assume you know where we are?"
"Sure, can I help you?" said the little punk slingin burgers.
"Well, Lemme get a small bag of fries, a double slopper and a large coke with
ice...and please tell me where I am and how to get to 5th and Main?" Pip asked.
"You're in Aradi." answered the burger punk.
"Okay...I know what city I'm in, but where in Aradi, and how do I get to 5th and
Main?" Pip asked again.
"Where do you want to go?" some guy in the back yelled.
"5th and Main" Pip yelled back.
"Never heard of it!" he yelled back.
"Okay, has anyone heard of 5th and Main?" Pip said in the forum of Slop King.
"Oh, sure, it's got that guildhouse on the corner, one of the biggest bars in
Aradi on the other, and a brothel up the street." some kid answered.
"Great, how do I get there?" riddled Pip.
"Well, It's about 15 minutes from here." said the kid.
"So how do I get there from here?" asked Pip.
"Well, I can't tell you that because I don't drive yet. I'm only 12. " said the
kid.
Pip thanked them all then walked out. Ah, there was a Holiday Inn right next
door. "Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to 5th and Main from here?" Pip asked
the lady at the front desk.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To my new guildhouse, it's supposedly across the street from one of the biggest
bars in Aradi." Pip answered.
"I don't think it's 5th. It's at 17th." she said.
Amazed, Pip said, "Are you sure? The realtor told me it was 5th."
"Well, he must be wrong", she insisted.
By this time Pip was sweating from the 95 degree afternoon heat and growing very
impatient. But figuring he could find 5th from 17th, he calmly said, "Well, I guess
you're right since you live here and probably know all the directions around here."
The desk lady quickly said, "Oh, I'm not from here, I just moved here a week
ago; I'm from Dwes Eg!"
Pip quickly wrote down the directions and headed off. 20 minutes later he was
in front of his new guildhouse. "What a heap!" he exclaimed. "It'll take more than
a few trips to guildhome-depot to fix this dump up. Better get a dumpster or 4 out
here too, this place is a real dunghole."
to be discontinued.....
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
----- ----- ----- Death Stud ----- ----- -----
** (due to the truncated nature of my spotlight last turn, I'm going to include the
beginning from last time, with the new stuff from this turn at the end) **
The walls of the FONZ non-alliance house rattled as a cheer arose from within.
The De Troi Lions (that's pronounced DU TWAH and it's French) had just been scored on
by the MeatBoy Packers for the fourth time in the game and a cheer had gone up each
time. The Packers football team was the favorite of most of Aradi's citizens, the
FONZites included. The MeatBoy company made the best stadium sausages in all of
Alastari and the team that they had founded had been in the league since its
inception, so it had quite a history and a fan following. The team wasn't exactly
local (they had been the Delarq Tor Packers before the era of commercial sponsorship
when the MeatBoy tacked on their corporate brand name), but they were pretty good
every year and their owner gave the team some unique personality. The owner, Jacko,
lived on the spacious Packers ranch, surrounded by magical children's rides, but was
sadly alone except for the monkey that was his best friend and companion. Jacko was
eccentric, but the Packers had always been a favorite of song and story on the island
of Aradi. And currently their Packers were putting the 28-6 Thanksgiving Day
smackdown on the lame-o Lions, much to everyone's pleasure.
The smell of turkey filled everyone's noses pleasantly and the beer and wine had
been flowing freely since early this morning. It was the same as it had been every
year in the FONZ guildhouse on Thanksgiving. Soultaker had been up since seven a.m.
mother-henning around the kitchen in his white apron, making sure that everything was
just so. He had his hair tied pulled up into a bun on the top of his head <dramatic
pause> to keep it out of the way and was snapping instructions at the kitchen help
while he worked. "Raoul, we need at least one hundred and fifty pounds of potatoes
peeled, so go to the storeroom and get four more bags, please. Soultaker gave Raoul
a manly pat on the ass to start him moving. Thanks, darlin'. Kip, make sure you
keep stirring that gravy. If it ends up with lumps, I'll give you a few lumps
myself." Kip tittered and made mock lion claws and a growl at Soultaker. But, Kip
and the rest of the staff redoubled their efforts in a whirl of aprons and leg-
warmers.
While most of the FONZ managers were clustered around the football portal in the
living room, alternating cusses and cheers, he had gotten a couple of them to help
out in the kitchen. Most of them weren't very helpful, actually, but they were
trying. Anti was the exception. He flitted around the kitchen like Julia Childs,
julienning and dicing and performing flambe with reckless abandon. He had been a big
help and whipped up a Shepherds Pie that would be a great addition to the table this
year. ** (OK, now to the new stuff) ** Soultaker beamed proudly at his protege as
they both stirred and prepped glamorously around the kitchen and Anti was aglow with
reward of Soultaker's approval. Together they hummed a little "Whistle while you
work" duet.
Soultaker caught a glimpse of something in the adjoining kitchen prep room that
made him shriek. "AAAIIIIIEEEEEE!!! NO! Nuln, get down off the counter! That's
not how you stuff a turkey! Put your meat thermometer away and rinse that bird off.
Good god, man, are you a complete retard?" Soultaker ran in and pried Nuln off the
hapless bird. Chromie shook his head in disgust while he rinsed off Nuln's
featherless love-object. Nuln was still in the other room, hunched over nothing,
shimmying aimlessly around the room like a dog unceremoniously separated from his
bitch before finishing his business.
Strolling happily and sipping some eggnog and brandy, Death Stud came in from
the living room to see how his good friend Soultaker and the cast from Queer Eye for
the Aradi Guy were faring with the dinner preparations. He looked back and forth
between Nuln in the next room--still quivering and humping air--and Soultaker, sponge
in hand, madly fisting a flaccid turkey in the kitchen sink. Just when he thought
nothing that happened in Aradi or the FONZ frathouse could surprise him.... Cocking
a curious eye at Soultaker, he managed to ask evenly, "Um, need any help in here or
do you have everything well in hand?"
Soultaker's voice was shrill with anger. "I work and I cook so that everyone
can have a nice holiday and what thanks do I get? I'll tell you what kind of thanks
I get...."
"Yeah, unfortunately I'm sure you will," Death Stud thought to himself.
"A bunch of drunks with no manners and no respect, sitting and yelling at the
tell-a-vision set and asking me every ten minutes when we are going to eat. And
nobody ever helps, except for my sweet Anti," he shot Anti an appreciative smile,
"and then I have to put up with things like...like...him." Nuln got a hateful glare
from the portly kitchen-master. "Every year he does something more disgusting, more
unbelievable than the year before." Soultaker was still ranting and shaking his
turkey-laden fist at Nuln when Death Stud left the room.
In the main hall of the guildhouse, things were just as he had left and just as
they were every year. Everyone was a little belligerent and talking too loud as
drunks are wont to do. There had already been at least one fight when Inferno
accidentally fell on Ganolus and one was simmering between Snotman and Ben Wa as they
heatedly argued the finer points of the effects of carrying capacity and WL checks on
football players.
Even their invited guest Barnabas was getting in on the fun and was telling
everyone in the room how his warriors dominated the tourney and how his stable put
all of theirs to shame. "Aradi and most of the Free Blades states are pretty much my
own personal playground." He hitched up his jeans a little bit and gave his best
John Wayne "you want a piece of this, Pilgrim?" stare around the room. "Yeah, damn
right." There was a long, silent moment in the room, then an explosion of laughter.
Ben Wa literally fell on the floor with laughter. Death Stud waved his fingers in
front of his face and made a ghostly, "booohoohoo" noise at Barnabas. "Beware the
big, bad Barnabas and his one good tourney." Inferno tipped his head back and let
out a huge belly laugh (no, seriously. Have you seen Inferno recently?). Snotman
started strutting around the room, hands on hips, shouting mock insults to the room,
"Fear my TV's, puny mortals. I shall crush you beneath the boot of my mighty
dominant mightiness." Ganolus just stared blankly and said, "Were you talking?
Really, did you say something? I thought that was just Inferno breaking wind."
As the laughter died down around the fuming Barnabas, Death Stud moved over to
the comfortable chair, relaxed in the corner of the room, watched a little football
and amusedly spectated the Thanksgiving goings-on, chipping in occasionally with a
jibe or to stoke the flames of an argument already in process. Despite their
idiosyncrasies, it really was good to get everyone together again and have some fun.
Before he knew it, the call came out from the kitchen that dinner was ready. All
else was dropped as everyone ran to their places at the tables in the dining hall.
(* to be continued...)
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Legalese ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
"All rise, and come to order," exclaimed Onedawg, the bailiff. "The Superior
Court of the City of Aradi is now in session, the Honorable Wimpy presiding. You may
be seated," barked Onedawg. Wimpy turned to the court clerk, Sir Indimar, and asked,
"So what do we have on the Court's Calendar today? Since Manager is not
participating in the TOGS IV, we cannot put him on trial."
Sir Indimar stated, "No your honor, we have an unusual matter this week. We
have been asked by Commissioner Ganolus to assign a special prosecutor to launch an
official investigation into conspiracy allegations by Elephant in regard to the death
of a couple of TOGS IV warriors in the recent tourney."
Wimpy turned to Sir Indimar, and stated in a loud voice, "I select Judge to
serve as Special Prosecutor to investigate Elephant's allegations."
A few hours later, Judge arrived at the Courthouse to receive the official
assignment from the Honorable Wimpy. Judge asked the Court, "What is Elephant
claiming?"
Wimpy smiled briefly, and stated, "He claims that he is the victim of a TOGS
conspiracy because he (1) lost 2 out of 5 warriors on his TOGS team in the tourney;
(2) did not receive his turn for Arena 60, and (3) is the victim of censorship in the
personal ads and spotlights." Wimpy paused briefly, and then stated, "Commissioner
Ganolus wants us to find out who is behind this conspiracy, and bring them to
justice."
Judge had never been a fan of conspiracy theories. As he read the file to
himself, his initial impression was that Elephant was simply whining. After all,
Elephant himself had stated, "Yes I would like some cheese with my wine." Judge then
began to recall his experiences in the City of Aljafir, a Free Blade arena, where
Elephant had appeared at one point. Judge decided to travel to the City of Aljafir
to meet with managers from that arena to investigate whether the "conspiracy" against
Elephant might be based upon something that happened in that City.
Upon arriving in Aljafir, Judge stopped in at the local tavern where he found
Jekyll, Carny, and other members of the Midnight Foundation. Although the Midnight
Foundation was a boisterous group and Judge was not a member of this alliance, Judge
had always managed to get along with the individual managers of the Midnight
Foundation when fighting in Aljafir. Judge asked Jekyll, "Have you heard anything
about Elephant's problems in Aradi? He is complaining about some sort of
'conspiracy' against him in the TOGS IV."
Jekyll chuckled, and said, "Remember how Elephant claimed that HE was the
original founder of the 'Midnight Foundation'? We have been waiting for our chance
to get back at him ever since he tried to steal our alliance's thunder. However, as
much as we would like to claim credit for his troubles in the tourney and in Aradi,
it wasn't us."
Judge thanked the members of the Midnight Foundation, and began the trip back to
Aradi to report his findings to Wimpy. Was this a conspiracy against Elephant?
Judge realized that there was no conspiracy. It was something else--called KARMA.
Elephant's attempt to usurp the Midnight Foundation's name from this alliance had
finally caught up with him in the TOGS IV. Karma is what the TOGS is all about.
-- Legalese
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Fame Reaches Aradi ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
"Hey, man, how ya doin'? You be that Limbau guy, doncha? On that conservative
talk to us show. Man, I'm gladta meecha. Whatcha doin' here in Aradi, huh?"
"Indeed, Cobey, I am Hurry Limbau, and I am visiting Aradi looking for a score.
What brings the famous LA Rivers basketball star, Cobey Brian to Aradi? I'll just
bet you are looking for a score of a different color?"
"You got it, Hurry. Lookin' for some chicks, man. Lookin for some fine. Hear
tell Aradi done got the best chicks in the land. And no law, ya know. I mean, other
than that Legalese, and that's the same thing. Want me one sweet chick or two. Know
what I mean, Hurry?"
Well, Cobey, I am informed that you have come to the correct place. Supposedly
there are loose little pluckers all over the place. Perhaps we could investigate
together for each other, as I have come to Aradi in search of a good supply of
prince. I need some pretty clear and prime prince for medicinal purposes. What do
you say? Should we search together?"
"You da man, Hurry. Let's do it, Bro!" (Cobey gives Hurry the high five, back
ten, chest bump, yada, yada, yada.)
The two new buddies began their sojourn down the streets of Aradi. The day was
beautiful and bright and the smell from BOB's cow emporium hardly phased the two
pals.
"Where we goin', Hurry?" asked Cobey Brian.
"Well, Cobey, my boy, it just so happens that my producers gave me a couple of
names of locals who could help us out. I am looking for a Nuln and you will need to
meet up with a Soultaker. That task would not seem to be so difficult."
As they proceeded on, they noticed a rather unique specimen of mankind (sort of)
wearing pink and purple legwarmers under a white leather skirt. To say that the
"thing" was butt-ugly would not have been an understatement. They approached out of
raw curiosity and asked, "Good afternoon, my fine person. Who are you and have you
seen Soultaker or Nuln this fine day?"
"You can call me Snotman, and of course I know where The Chrome Dome and The
Rubber Ducky are. Just head on down the block until you see the guy who comes up
just about to your kneecaps and ask him. He can point out those guys to you."
Snotty hustled on off down the street, not wanting to be late for his afternoon
cartoons on TV.
Continuing on, Cobey saw at once the one Snotman had pointed out. "Oh, man,
boss, they overestimated that gremlin's size, doncha think?" He proceeded up to the
little (very) guy and asked, "Who be you?"
"Hey, you're Cobey Brian, aren't you, Big Guy? How's your trial going? Think
you'll win? Let me introduce myself, by the way. I'm Death Stud and I am the King
of Aradi."
Then out of the blue, a fast arrow thwacked into Death Stud's minute left
eardrum, killing him dead. Cobey and Hurry hit the dirt fast, then they heard the
chuckling behind them. "You guys don't need to worry, since you are not from around
here. We Aradians are killing each other all the time. Let me introduce myself, as
I am one for whom you are probably looking. I am Artimis, but many call me
Soultaker."
Still shaken, Cobey was the first to speak, "You boys be doin this macho, you
say? You da man! And you be Soultaker? I hear you got chicks?!"
"Oh sure, Mr. Famous Cobey Brian, I can take care of you, but first let me fix
up my little (very) buddy here." He proceeded to bend over the bleeding Death Stud,
perform a rather extended act of flatulence, and voila, the dead Stud jumped back up
to his feet completely alive! (albeit somewhat stinky)
"Hey, Studly, let's take these guys over to my place so they can see my chicks."
said Soultaker. And so they did. With a clap of his hands, The King of Aradi
delivered the guests to The Artimis Chick Shack. As they stepped inside and saw the
chicks of many sizes and ages and colors, and as they smelled the telltale rank
ammonia-tainted air, it was clear that Cobey was in his heaven. Quickly he jumped
into the fray, and Soultaker followed right with him, of course.
"Woe is me." moaned Hurry Limbau. "Woe is me. Now, no one will help me find my
prime prince. I feel a migraine coming on." Indeed, Hurry was visibly beginning to
shake, so the little (very) Death Stud, King of Aradi, took pity on him. Again he
clapped his hands in a sort of quick double clap, and both Studly and Hurry were in
the warrior's (men's) bathroom shower # 2 at the east arena entrance.
"Welleth, youeth buggedeth useth. Whateth doeth youeth needeth?" (In other
words, you guys interrupted our shower and bath with me and my rubber ducky, now what
the heck can I do to get rid of you quickly?)
After The Stud explained, Nuln quickly pointed to his locker and yelled, "Taketh
iteth alleth!" Then he proceeded back to enjoy his fun and games.
Hurry hurried to the locker and found an immense stash of pure prince. After he
calmed his shakes with sufficient prince, he turned his beady eyes and reached into
his pocket and pulled out his revolver and proceeded to plug both Nuln and Death Stud
three each right through the heart. He hustled out of the locker room, back to the
Chick Shack where a pretty exhausted Cobey was dragging himself from the building.
"Hey, Hurry, my man; let's rush outta here; I hadta strangle that Soultaker so I
could get my fill of his chicks." And he took off at a trot, followed not too
closely by Hurry Limbau. As they exited the gates, of Aradi, panting heavily, Hurry
begged Cobey to slow down.
"I have an exquisite confession to make, Cobey, my boy, for I am not really
Hurry Limbau." He peeled off his mask and there was none other than TOGS hero,
Manager!
"Yo, Bro, what a smackdown!" countered Cobey Brian as he stripped off HIS mask,
revealing none other than the real Guardian! We'll have to team together in another
event sometime." And they skipped down the path together merrily holding hands, and
living happily ever after.
THE END
Brought to you by The Crazy Creeps Chronicle & Co.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Through a Scrying Pool Dimly: Part 2 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Tendawg Running Heart cupped her hands beneath a gathering of roots protruding
through the earthen walls of the ancestor burrow. The pureness of the cool water
that ran off the root tips into her ready palms was eagerly savored as she brought
her hands to her lips. Her eyes fell shut and she sighed inwardly, thanking the
ancestors for the provision of this odd fountain, even if it was many generations
after their passing.
Tendawg turned and regarded her companions who had gone into quiet admiration of
the sanctuary that they now occupied--beginning fruits to a labor that had begun
nearly a week ago. For indeed, the four companions from Malcorn had found their
quarry, or what they believed was the final resting place of the last Great Sire of
the Da'awginori, from before the end of the Eleventh Age.
The dwarf, Baur, stood hands on hips as he glared down at a wreath of petrified
leaves lying against the base of the tree-trunk wall. The glossy leaves held enough
light that the grim-faced dwarf could see his distorted reflection in each one. Baur
opened and closed his eyes repetitively, almost methodically, testing to see how his
image changed in the leaves. In the quietness of his observations, the dwarf could
not shake the thought that he was being watched.
Athanas stood in the center of the low room. The ceiling was but a foot over
her head, and was at times irregular in shape due to the fact that the room was
carved partially within the dead redwood above and the moist ground about. The
burrow was awash in a warm brownish glow, thin shafts of light slicing in here and
there seemingly positioned perfectly to mark points of interest all about the small
hovel. Athanas' eye caught the aged elegance of a crooked wicker stand bearing
numerous liquid-filled and oddly shaped blown-glass containers atop tufts of moss in
one corner. In the other, stood a gnarled collection of intertwined staves each with
finely wrought engravings spelling out the lineage of some forgotten family scrolling
up and down their lengths. At her feet, Athanas could count the circles on the dusty
tree-trunk floor, approximately gauging how old the tree was before it had died. And
above her, the tall maiden could trace the etchings of astronomical signs and
carvings of creatures from the sky. In every direction that she turned, the woman
could not help but smile.
Fourdawg Firm Fist knelt at the remains of a wide scorch mark that had marred a
mantle of sorts decorating the tree-trunk's interior. His hands trembled as he
brushed away an age or more of slough from the wall; his eyes growing soft with the
coming of tears. He did not know, but he assumed, that the now burned wall where the
once proud crest of his ancestor stood marked the official place of his ancestor's
burial. The tears came, though, not for worrying about his ancestors remains, but
more out of satisfaction that perhaps now closure was going to be reconciled.
From outside, a shrill caw broke the air as the creaking snap of wood echoed all
around. The companions jumped at the sound as shards of wood and light flooded the
burrow. The dead tree split in half as the burrow's ceiling was ripped away--a great
bird of gargantuan proportions spread its mighty wingspan, perched at the tree's now
broken edge as it was. Another piercing and defiant squawk filled the air.
The companions flinched in shock as their arms came up in the air to shield
their faces. Baur cried out as he covered his ears from the giant bird's call,
losing his balance in the process and stumbling back from the thing. The massive
hawk, as it was, dauntlessly dove forward, its wickedly curved beak snaring the dwarf
easily on the arm as it flung him backward and over its head many yards from where he
had stood.
Caught completely unaware, the companions had not seen their real enemy at
first, but then Athanas noticed him. There, saddled to the great hawk's back, sat an
urushka--orckin as clear as day! Without giving it anymore thought, Athanas reached
up and slipped the two slender prongs from her hair (its wavy length spilling out
around her) and then flung herself over the torn burrow's lip and out of sight.
Tendawg Running Heart and Fourdawg Firm Fist braced themselves. When the giant
bird-of-prey and its rider turned back towards them, they both exploded into action.
Fourdawg charged forward head set on a now cornered section of the burrow's
cracked wall.
Tendawg stood firm in a wide stance, her left hand reaching to her waist as a
barbed quarrel came up from there, her right held a deer skin wrap that whipped out
at her side to unfurl a slightly curved and smooth stick with an indented tip. An
arrow thudded into the floor where Tendawg's leg had been a moment ago, for the
grinning orc atop the giant hawk had strung a bow.
Fourdawg had confidence in his love as he did not tarry for her safety.
Instead, he sprang up from the base of the cracked wall, then out from there as both
his feet touched the wall to send him at a right angle from it, straight for the
hawk's rider. The urushka brought an arrow to bear on the midair son of the
Da'awginori. No arrows would find him this day. Fourdawg landed square behind the
orc, clutching to the saddle with his knees, and raised two barbed quarrels high over
his head as a shout of outrage rang out from The Firm Fist. Two quarrels buried
themselves deep inside the urushka's neck!
Baur swung hard, his rock pick taking the nearest orc in the side of the head
some fifty feet from where his other companions fought. The dwarf's attacks came
more as an attempt to stem the tide of lunging orcs, of which a dozen came at the
dwarf with spears from all around.
Then Athanas appeared, behind the orcs and from above them on an old tree stump.
A graceful leap brought her forward-flipping into the surrounding orcs, a hundred
tiny sparkles glinted on the outline of her hair as she moved. She ducked and rose,
and spun at a dizzying rate, sending stiff kicks and more than a few stabs with her
cruel prongs into the enemies about. A dozen thin and disorienting cuts marked the
faces of each orc she fell, her mane of hair lashing out at those she faced bringing
to bear the tiny barbs within.
Together, Baur and Athanas waged an equal battle with the outnumbering orcs,
pick and prong diving and digging at their foe.
Tendawg rolled away from the terrible hawk's beak then stood and set a quarrel
within the indentation of her curved stick. Her atlatl let fly and the barbed
projectile found its home under the great bird's right wing. A second and third
quarrel were quick on the tail of the first as Tendawg raced about the broken burrow
to dodge the giant hawk's flashing talons.
Fourdawg took the riding orc by its hairy ears and tossed the dead beast aside
like so much garbage. The giant hawk reeled in response trying to send Fourdawg from
his pesky perch. The mighty bird rose into the air but a few feet, its wings
catching air as if to fly, but then suddenly fell back to the burrow's edge unable to
displace the annoyance. A cadre of not-so-distant orcs took aim with their crude
bows and loosed a volley of arrows at Fourdawg. More than a couple embedded into the
great hawk's side as Fourdawg dropped from the saddle to avoid the urushka volley.
Even as he fell, though, the ever decisive Fourdawg readied his atlatl and returned a
pair of quarrels at the opposing orc archers. Two archer orcs squirmed to the forest
floor, clutching at barbs extending from their faces.
Tendawg gasped when the giant hawk landed back atop the burrow's edge, the dead
and weakened tree giving way to the bird's thrashing weight. Down toppled the barb
and arrow studded hawk, down atop the trapped Running Heart.
Athanas and Baur breathed heavily as they watched the retreating orcs go. Never
ones to accept complete defeat so easily, the companions knew the urushka would be
back, but next time, the companions would be ready. The tall maiden and the stout
dwarf padded back to where the burrow had stood.
Fourdawg wore a grimacing mask of twisted hatred upon his face as the two
friends approached. That countenance faded slowly, though, as The Firm Fist turned
to regard the now ruined burrow. Somewhere below was buried his love, Tendawg, and
with it the remains of his ancestor whom he had not yet been able to discover.
Fourdawg Firm Fist's gaze rested upon the now silent heap where the giant hawk had
died. Baur's hand rose to take Fourdawg's shoulder, Athanas stood away from the
scene cradling her own arms.
The Running Heart kept beating....
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Anti-Journal: Week 3 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
[Author's Note: Sorry to delay the story a turn, but between working at an Anime
Convention and spending a week in Cleveland (now I know how the gerbils feel), I'm
lucky to even get this much done. :) ]
Hello Journal...
Well, two turns have come and gone, and so far Team 10 has proven to be about as
likely to win the TOGS as Nuln going a week without violating a rubber chicken. It's
not that we did all that bad, it's just that others have managed to not suck as much.
Normally in Aradi we are too busy trying to kill our friend's warriors a turn before
graduation to really worry about win/loss records, but now even those who normally
register the same IQ as candied yams are playing for real. (Hi Ghoti!)
I suppose for history's sake I should write about how the top teams are doing,
but nobody has ever listed out which team is which as far as I can tell so I have no
idea which teams are ahead. Of course it will be easy enough to tell, I'll just ask
someone to send me one of Manager's letters after he starts to plot against the
leaders...because really what else does he have to do? Socialize? Heh heh heh. But
lemme see...looks like 8 and 3 are the leaders. Hmmm...nope no clue who they are.
But good job! Keep it up, managers whoever and whoever!
That's not to say that I haven't been paying attention. No, between my rides on
Studley Do Nothing's coat tails and the tear jerking drama of Elephant's own "Six
Feet Under" show I've been catching a few things here and there. Such as....
- If you don't challenge, you don't get points. Eh Snotto, ol friend ol buddy
ol pal?
- Nuln is probably a great manager, but never has time to do any of it since he
apparently spends 23 hours a day engaged in wacky adventures...sometimes naked.
- Every time I hear the name "Ganolus" I think of trail mix.
- The only person who thinks I'll make it all the way through the togs is my
imaginary pet wombat "Skipper Steve." And even HE doesn't look too sure.
- Manager is a human vacuum cleaner, he sucks and blows at the same time.
- I didn't realize how badly I missed the Crazy Creeps 'til this "Made in
Taiwan" version showed up.
- I've tried five times to get through DeGotti's stuff...and he owes me a new
keyboard from all the drool damage. :)
- I giggle every time Barnabas yells at Soultaker because there was an old Mr.
Rogers ripping off guy in Cleveland named "Barnaby" who had a crappy kids show and I
keep thinking of him and Chrome Dome having a knife fight in front of the puppets.
- I really need to figure out which team is run by who. But then why ruin the
magic?
- Judge is a drama queen. >:P
- If anyone ever did try to form a "Duelmasters Anonymous" group it would
eventually just end up an extended mail in party. You know it would.
Well, not too much else to say this week, journal; hopefully the snottish one
and myself can turn our fortunes around. We're at the back of the train, but we're
not the caboose yet. We're near the tail of sheep but we can't smell Hombre's breath
yet. As long as we draw breath, and as long as ninja cyborg terrorists don't kidnap
my family and force me to quit or else they'll give them back we still have a shot.
Because we at the FONZ never give up! We never surrender! And we never,
eveeeeer give each other encouragement because then we might look like an alliance
and that would cause blood to shoot out of Death Stud's ears!
So look out Togs, Team Ten is here to stay!
Uh...........
Say, is that my car on fire?!
Anti, Team 10 togger
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Black Friars ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Buddha Has A Plan
The Welcome Wench held no welcome for Buddha this week, surely, Mannequin knew
where to find him. Buddha sadly turned away from the doorway to the Inn, and worked
his way down the bustling afternoon streets of Aradi. Buddha's eyes darted quickly
about scanning the crowd ahead of him for any sign of Mannequin or his brute squad,
the Power Brokers.
"Why would I partner with a manager with a team of egomaniacal warriors?" Buddha
spoke softly to himself. With a quick glance over his shoulder he continued his
rant, "I mean who is this George Bush anyway? With the way he throws his weight
around you would think he is king or something. Perhaps we should put him and Henry
IV in the same room for awhile and let them sort it out."
Buddha's body tensed as he caught a glimpse of ruddy-faced man with a sparse
comb-over. McCain. "Damn," Buddha whispered and darted down a dark alleyway.
Buddha breathed heavily and mopped the sweat from his brow as he frantically looked
about for a place to hide.
The snap of a twig from behind him sent shivers down Buddha's spine as his body
tensed with fear. Without turning, Buddha spoke obsequiously, "McCain, tell
Mannequin, I am sure that we can work this out, really, the Black Friars can...er...
will do better...."
No response.
Buddha held back a sob. "McCain, really, is 1-4 that bad?"
Silence.
Buddha's mind raced. "Maybe I could run? No, no, no good. I ate too may TOGS
dogs today." Buddha scanned the deserted alley ahead of him, but he saw only piles
of refuse.
A sharp point stuck in the small of Buddha's back.
"Kill me quickly," Buddha said with a whimper.
"BHAAAAA."
Buddha spun, catching his leg on the horn of the goat that stood behind him, and
lowering his gaze in horror; he beheld none other than a chocolate covered goat.
Buddha smiled to himself. A real chocolate covered goat. Again, Buddha's mind
raced, what would the other TOGs managers pay for a chocolate covered goat? Maybe he
could just rent it out. Desperate times called for desperate measures. If Buddha
could not get his warriors to win, at least he could generate some revenue selling a
chocolate covered goat.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Forgotten Realms ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
"How to begin?" Armalias asked, his hands held before him, fingertips touching
their opposites. "Let's start with introductions, shall we?"
Florin was the first to stand and, with a curt bow, introduce himself. Armalias
smiled as each of the four warriors stood and spoke in turn, with Pikel and Ivan both
standing at the same time and having a brief altercation before Ivan stuffed his fist
in Pikel's mouth. Ivan ended his introduction with a loud howl as Pikel bit down on
his hand and completed the introductions.
Once the introductions were complete, Armalias stood and introduced himself.
"And I am Armalias Skyhawk, Bard of Alastari, Scarlet Knight, Manager of Many Teams,
Master of Disaster, King of Pain, Bladesinger, Weaponsmaster, Chosen of Karn...."
"Well, ya'll can just call me Armalias."
A soft rap came tap tap tapping at the chamber door down the hall, and Ivan
punched Pikel in the face to run answer it. Right before he got to the door, Pikel
hit him from behind with a flying tackle that carried them both through the wall
beyond, right next to the door in question. A small round race, a woman's face,
peered cautiously through the new opening in the wall and a small, lithe body
followed it through, the young lady turning more than once to glance back at the
still wrestling dwarves.
"Did I hear you say Armalias?" she asked timidly, coming fully into the room.
"Yes you did, Shandril," Armalias answered. "Please, take a seat over here.
This is your newest teammate, Shandril Shessair. She will be with us for as long as
I think she will be with us. Another introduction for today's story on
introductions."
"What?" Florin and Dove, Ivan and Pikel, who had stopped fighting on the floor
and were headed back to the table, said together.
Shandril blushed as the dwarves checked her out, looking her cute little bod up
and down like she was a piece of cheesecake. Or a mug of ale, by the way Ivan was
smacking his lips. She gave a little wave of her hand and a brief smile, causing
Ivan and Pikel to hoot all the louder.
"We got a shy one here!" Ivan yelled out.
"Whoo-hoo!" Pikel answered.
Florin sat back disgusted, crossing his prudish arms across his introductory
chest in effigy.
Dove reached over and patted Shandril's hand sympathetically. "Pay them no
heed, Shandril," she said sympathetically. "They're harmless."
"Just ask their opponents," Florin added acidly.
That shut up Ivan and Pikel.
"Well, so much for introductions," Armalias said benevolently. "We're rollin'
on the river now. Moving on to something else...."
"You think you're hot stuff, don't you?" Ivan said, directing his comment at
Florin.
"Here comes the hotstepper," Pikel said as Ivan's nose and ears began to turn
red.
"Feeling hot hot hot?" Florin asked, further instigating the situation.
"I wanna rock!" Ivan screamed, leaping across the table at Florin.
"I believe it's time for me to fly," Florin said as he and Dove ran from the
room.
"Freak out!" Dove said as she and Florin ran from the room, Ivan and Pikel in
hot pursuit.
"Let's get the party started!" Pikel shouted as he and Ivan took off in hot
pursuit of the Falconhands.
When all the noise had moved well into the house and away from the dinner table,
Armalias looked at Shandril and she at him. "That went well," the elf said.
Shandril smiled sweetly and shrugged her shoulders, not willing to carry on any
more introductions today.
Well, next turn, we'll have to start up one of my epic storylines. Anyone who
doesn't want to be used in one of my epic stories should speak up now so I can
include you. Manager, don't bother replying, 'cause you know I'll be abusing...
err...I mean utilizing you. Soultaker as well.
Ya'll come back now, hear?!?
DUELMASTER'S COLUMN
Notes from the arena champ.
Hail, Aradi!
Well, I am sure you haven't had many of my style on the throne here, ever, but I
am glad to be here and to beat one of those stupid Lungers in doing it! To make
things even better, I bring home 10 points for my team for the TOGS contest!
Hopefully next turn will see me bring 14 or 17 points back for the team! I am not
sure how long I can stay here, even if I don't lose, but I will hopefully be able to
stave off the challengers and graduation for a least another turn.
Your DM,
Black Cat
SPY REPORT
Busy, busy, busy, lots of things happening in ARADI this turn, and let's start
with a look at some of the teams. It seems the training can make the difference, as
I'M WITH STUPID is pushed out of top team by RED AVENGERS, who came from 11th with a
5-0-0 this turn. I want to know who's buying the drinks for who tonight at The
Victory Tavern, seeing as THE UPSTARTS III's 20-25-3 has earned them 8th place in the
ranks. The DEATH STUDS VII guild has had a 5-0-0 turn and deserves to be watched in
the future. You never know where this kind of thing can lead. On their very first
turn, 5 BELOW ZERO had a 4-1-1, and with this kind of luck or skill, should do well.
Welcome to ARADI. And let's see, FRUB fought BRAK and gained 23 points and
contributed to WIMPS OF DEATH's 3-2-0. BLACK EYE has lost to QUICKSAND, falling 12
points, while helping make JOKA MASHER! a 0-2-0 turn. ACUTE challenged for the
Duelmastership this turn, attempting to dethrone SHADOW SIGNS' warrior. The attempts
to dethrone the Duelmaster have failed, and BLACK CAT remains ARADI's top warrior for
another turn. Can someone confirm a rumor for me? I hear the top team makes their
losing fighters do dishes at The Victory Tavern until they win. Maybe?
He who challenges well, fights well. He who avoids without cause, shall lose
for good reasons. My mama told me that one. DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 has cause to stand
tall, as they were ARADI's most avoided team. A smart manager knows this is a team
to beat. And guess who avoided DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 stable the most? Believe it or
not, it was FA CHING. Anyone surprised? The most challenged warrior this turn was
BLACK FRIARS' warrior GUILDENSTERN. More fighters challenged him than challenged the
Duelmaster! In a fit of brilliance or of stupidity (hard to say sometimes), WINKER X
challenged THUNDRA today, facing a 37 difference in recognition. And though WINKER X
lost to THUNDRA, the valiant attempt earned him 4 worth of recognition.
Foolhardiness can sometimes pay. Tsk, tsk, tsk. SYRINGE, does your manager know
you're challenging down 30 points to fight MC CAIN from POWER BROKERS? I thought
challenges were for warriors, not cowards looking for easy wins. SYRINGE won victory
over MC CAIN, is nothing sacred? In a brave attempt, ATILA from FACES OF ETERNITY
challenged up 18 points to fight NUMSKULL from the I'M WITH STUPID stable. ATILA
perhaps got his just desserts, seeing as he was killed by NUMSKULL and ended up with
3 recognition points.
The Dark Arena is for those who cannot win, not who cannot lose with grace.
Dignity in life or death is the warrior's creed. A farewell moment, if you please,
T.N.T. of METAL MELTDOWN has been sent to the Dark Arena, and was carried out on his
shield. THIEVES GUILD made what looks to be a tough decision this turn, as they sent
THE HOLLOW, with a record of 6-9-1, to THE HOLLOW death. Farewell, his. Had I not
seen it, it would be hard to believe. SCROD was sent to the Dark Arena and lived to
tell about it! Makes you think, no? Whatever bright future SLACKJAW may have had,
it's all history now. The manager of I'M WITH STUPID has lost a promising 4-0-0
warrior. Is it really true that ARADI has more dishwashers per capita that fighters?
Just thought I'd ask...
Remember, blood on the purple robe does not change it from a purple robe. Dare
to fight bravely. Well, I'm burning daylight here in ARADI and I've a long road
ahead of me. Happy Trails. Until you see my quill in ARADI again, farewell--
Alarond the Scribe
DUELMASTER W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
BLACK CAT 6268 17 8 0 129 SHADOW SIGNS (491)
CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
BLACKBURST 5025 11 12 0 122 FA CHING (388)
THUNDRA 5122 17 12 1 121 FA CHING (388)
-RIFF 6452 10 5 1 117 SWIFT CURRENT (468)
SYRINGE 6003 14 6 0 108 BLOOD RELATED (395)
THE AYL'M'ER 6056 11 11 0 106 4000 BLOWS (107)
LUMMOX 6092 18 45 0 105 RED DOG GANG (476)
TOO ICKY 5937 14 9 0 105 BLOOD RELATED (395)
-UNDERGROUND BEAT 6083 18 21 1 98 CLUB CULTURE (424)
HEADROCK 3430 15 15 0 97 OGRES ARE US (270)
LLOSMIC LLAMMER 5684 14 10 1 97 LUROCIANS VI (431)
-SICK PUPPY 5959 12 10 1 96 ARADI'S DEAD (393)
QUICKSAND 6554 10 5 1 96 NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
ACUTE 6048 11 6 0 92 THIEVES GUILD (396)
LLLENGEANCE 5864 12 6 2 91 LUROCIANS VI (431)
CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
GAZREKK 6438 9 6 2 89 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
AVIENDHA 4721 18 17 0 88 FA CHING (388)
SIR ZESTALOT 6557 10 4 0 87 4000 BLOWS (107)
THE SPOTLIGHT 6329 15 15 1 86 CLUB CULTURE (424)
WINKER X 6470 10 8 0 85 4000 BLOWS (107)
BLACK EYE 6163 12 8 0 81 JOKA MASHER! (283)
BULL DOGGAM 6088 17 29 0 80 RED DOG GANG (476)
DEMURRER 5828 11 7 2 78 LEGALESE (449)
SIRIUS 6193 15 20 1 74 RED DOG GANG (476)
BOONE 6090 12 38 0 74 RED DOG GANG (476)
LORD OF THE O RINGS 6022 18 10 1 73 WILD CARDS (148)
MC CAIN 6662 8 2 0 70 POWER BROKERS (527)
BUSH 6663 7 3 1 69 POWER BROKERS (527)
-JACARANDA 6129 10 7 0 67 WINTERHOLM (478)
CHALLENGER ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
WHITE RAVEN 6484 10 6 1 65 SHADOW SIGNS (491)
MURRAY 6661 7 3 0 64 POWER BROKERS (527)
GUMMI GHOUL 6411 7 3 1 61 THE UPSTARTS III (510)
NOODLES 6247 2 1 0 61 RED AVENGERS (487)
-O'RIORDAN 6128 7 11 0 60 WINTERHOLM (478)
OBITER DICTA 5860 8 6 1 59 LEGALESE (449)
ACK ACK 837 7 5 2 59 THE UNDERWORLD (15)
-KILWICK 6130 11 9 0 57 WINTERHOLM (478)
ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
TALON 6736 5 1 0 56 WING HOVE (529)
BRAK 94 12 8 1 55 THE UNDERWORLD (15)
THORNE 5259 8 3 0 55 FA CHING (388)
LLUGS AND LLISSES 5887 7 7 1 55 LUROCIANS VI (431)
SLOUGH 6134 12 9 1 54 SWIFT CURRENT (468)
-KAPRIKORN 6151 11 7 1 54 WINTERHOLM (478)
SCABBY 6514 10 6 0 54 BLOOD RELATED (395)
PIPSQUEAK 6810 5 1 0 54 WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
LACHES 5642 10 11 0 52 LEGALESE (449)
HELMS 6660 7 3 3 52 POWER BROKERS (527)
RIP RAP 6599 7 3 0 51 SWIFT CURRENT (468)
THE BRICK 6342 5 2 0 51 HIT ME WITH... (503)
BLUE BEANIE 6461 7 8 1 50 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
SPIT 6435 4 1 0 50 METAL MELTDOWN (344)
KABOOM 6248 3 0 0 50 RED AVENGERS (487)
NAPPY DUGOUT 6080 12 13 0 49 WILD CARDS (148)
FRUB 6794 4 3 0 48 WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
IVAN 2565 4 8 0 48 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
DREK 836 6 6 0 47 THE UNDERWORLD (15)
MISTRESS BOMBTRONIC 6617 8 5 1 46 WILD CARDS (148)
MARBURY 4499 10 5 0 45 LOCK-OUT (368)
NEWCASTLE 6669 6 4 3 45 BEERBARIANS (528)
TYVINREK 6513 6 3 0 45 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
KARATE WRECKER 6693 2 7 0 43 THIEVES GUILD (396)
-TWISTER 6114 7 5 0 41 ARADI'S DEAD (393)
TRIPLICATE THUNDER 6616 6 7 0 41 WILD CARDS (148)
ROSENCRANTZ 6786 4 3 0 41 BLACK FRIARS (521)
SMIRLIN 6568 8 10 0 40 OGRES ARE US (270)
WIND 5906 6 2 0 40 FIVE SPHERES (462)
GOLDFISH 6718 5 4 0 40 SHADOW SIGNS (491)
SLIPKNOT 6674 3 7 0 40 THIEVES GUILD (396)
SPONGEBOB 6504 7 2 0 38 R.J.G. (475)
SOMFMA 6797 5 2 0 38 OGRES ARE US (270)
FREEP 6812 4 2 0 38 WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
CYVIN 5258 7 6 1 36 FA CHING (388)
SYDA HAMMIE 6667 8 3 0 34 OGRES ARE US (270)
CHALLENGER INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
TEACUP TERRIER 6569 7 11 1 33 RED DOG GANG (476)
LLUCKY DAY 6021 4 3 0 33 LUROCIANS VI (431)
DERRIN 6952 3 0 0 33 WING HOVE (529)
SCROD 6990 1 0 1 33 DARQUE AGES (536)
T-MAC 6806 4 3 0 32 LOCK-OUT (368)
LLUPERIOR LLORCES 5956 4 3 0 32 LUROCIANS VI (431)
SUPERNOVA 6239 3 0 0 32 RED AVENGERS (487)
MARDUK 6863 2 2 0 32 FACES OF ETERNITY (539)
SON OF BLOODLUST 6823 5 1 0 31 4000 BLOWS (107)
TOGS STINKER 6588 5 4 0 31 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
GOURMET GRUEL 6730 4 4 0 30 R.J.G. (475)
TRICK OR TREAT 4667 3 2 0 30 MINATOUR KINGS (379)
-GREEDYGUT 6371 6 5 0 29 WINTERHOLM (478)
BARON 6765 5 3 0 29 LOCK-OUT (368)
-GODFREY 6354 4 5 0 29 ARADI'S DEAD (393)
JAMIS 6735 4 2 1 28 WING HOVE (529)
ANASTASIUS 6839 3 0 2 28 DARQUE AGES (536)
4-FT PARTY BONG 6908 2 2 0 28 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
-KLEPTO SLACKER 6516 2 0 0 27 ARADI'S DEAD (393)
NUMSKULL 6751 3 2 1 26 I'M WITH STUPID (531)
-LIPOSANCTUM 6351 1 1 0 26 BATTLEFIELD GIRTH (504)
ANDROGENOUS STRAIN 6412 5 4 0 25 THE UPSTARTS III (510)
VORPAL BUNNY 6731 3 5 0 25 R.J.G. (475)
ANGRY SUE 6955 2 1 0 25 RED AVENGERS (487)
INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
IKER 6505 5 4 0 23 R.J.G. (475)
HERROL 6694 4 3 0 23 WING HOVE (529)
MR OBLIVIOUS 6413 3 5 0 23 THE UPSTARTS III (510)
TAY STARLE 6808 2 3 1 23 WING HOVE (529)
ORIGINAL SHOCKER 6959 2 1 0 23 WILD CARDS (148)
NECROMANCER XLVII 6825 1 3 0 23 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
ZERBERT 6243 2 1 0 22 RED AVENGERS (487)
PIKEL 5808 6 3 0 21 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
INSISTANT BEGGAR 6630 5 2 0 21 BUMS 'R' US (465)
-DALE 4406 1 0 0 21 RESCUE RANGERS (362)
DOVE FALCONHAND 5770 4 6 0 20 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
SANDSTORM 6813 3 2 0 20 NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
BIGGEST PETE 6985 2 0 0 20 LOCK-OUT (368)
POWER TEMP 6996 1 0 1 20 THE UPSTARTS III (510)
-MOON BABY 6187 2 3 0 19 ARADI'S DEAD (393)
VICIOUS RUMOR 6981 2 0 0 19 R.J.G. (475)
INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
TOGS LOSER 6619 1 6 0 19 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
TWO IN THE GOO 6826 1 3 0 19 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
-SPINNING 6710 5 2 1 18 CLUB CULTURE (424)
MAUI WOWIE! 6907 3 1 0 18 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
GUILDENSTERN 6785 2 5 1 18 BLACK FRIARS (521)
FLORIN FALCONHAND 5750 3 8 0 17 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
-OBED 6831 2 1 1 17 INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
ZYLLEIX'S SHADE 6939 1 2 0 17 SHADOW SIGNS (491)
DICHABOD 6912 1 4 0 17 THIEVES GUILD (396)
GRAFFIX 6909 3 1 0 16 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
TYPHOON XXII 6827 3 1 0 16 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
TUFF 4665 2 4 0 16 MINATOUR KINGS (379)
THE-SHOCKER 6824 2 2 0 15 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
-RASPBERRY STOLI 6860 2 2 0 15 CLUB CULTURE (424)
BING 6979 2 0 0 15 I'M WITH STUPID (531)
DUSTSTORM 6814 1 4 0 15 NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
IAGO 6997 1 0 0 15 BLACK FRIARS (521)
WATER 5905 2 1 0 14 FIVE SPHERES (462)
LEO 6837 2 1 0 14 DARQUE AGES (536)
ANGRY SANTA 6828 3 1 0 13 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
HOSCHA 6835 2 3 0 13 OGRES ARE US (270)
GANOLOSER 6971 1 1 0 13 LOSERS (544)
BLOODY HELL 6821 2 4 0 12 BLOOD RELATED (395)
DUNNO 6988 1 0 0 12 HIT ME WITH... (503)
HELL MARY 6760 1 0 0 12 5 BELOW ZERO (532)
FLICKED BOOGERS 6989 1 0 0 12 HIT ME WITH... (503)
CYCLONE 6816 2 3 0 11 NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
HENRY IV 6899 2 3 0 11 BLACK FRIARS (521)
STRANGLEMEELMO 6762 1 0 1 11 5 BELOW ZERO (532)
WURL POOLE 6799 1 0 0 11 SWIFT CURRENT (468)
MR. NEGATIVITY 6764 1 0 0 11 5 BELOW ZERO (532)
TWICKLEBUM 6992 1 0 0 11 WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
WILDFIRE 6983 2 0 0 10 NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
SHARP STICK 6949 1 2 0 10 I'M WITH STUPID (531)
HANGMAN 6761 1 0 0 10 5 BELOW ZERO (532)
-ARKHAM 6832 1 1 0 10 INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
ASSHE-MASTER 7000 1 0 0 10 4000 BLOWS (107)
TA'LON THE VILE 4447 1 0 0 9 THE UNDERWORLD (15)
-ELIZABETH TRAILER 6348 1 0 0 9 BATTLEFIELD GIRTH (504)
INSANITY 6973 1 1 0 8 LEGALESE (449)
-DUNWICH 6833 0 2 0 8 INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
-ZANN 6830 1 2 0 7 INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
NAMBY PAMBY 6977 1 1 0 7 WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
BLOODY MESS 6969 1 1 0 7 BLOOD RELATED (395)
QUETZACOATYL 6865 1 3 0 6 FACES OF ETERNITY (539)
LANCELOT 6867 1 3 0 6 FACES OF ETERNITY (539)
SCRAG 6972 1 1 0 6 LOSERS (544)
THOMPSON 6970 1 1 0 6 POWER BROKERS (527)
RAAM MANSLAYER 4306 1 2 0 5 THE UNDERWORLD (15)
-MARSH 6829 1 2 0 5 INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
VIKEN 6943 1 2 0 5 LOSERS (544)
INNOCENT 6838 1 2 0 5 DARQUE AGES (536)
PIP THE TROLL 6942 1 2 0 5 LOSERS (544)
XXX 6975 1 1 0 5 SHADOW SIGNS (491)
URG THE UNCLEAN 6954 0 3 0 5 BLACK FRIARS (521)
ADRIANO 5005 1 1 0 4 MINATOUR KINGS (379)
CHOCOLATE STARFISH 6457 1 1 0 4 BATTLEFIELD GIRTH (504)
SANDY BEACH 6957 1 1 0 4 SWIFT CURRENT (468)
S.L.A.P.P. 6974 1 1 0 4 LEGALESE (449)
BONG 6980 1 1 0 4 I'M WITH STUPID (531)
SKUNK #1 6910 0 4 0 4 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
SIXTUS 6840 0 3 0 3 DARQUE AGES (536)
55 SUCKS MORE 6956 0 3 0 3 JOKA MASHER! (283)
INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
WEED 4 MOM 6984 0 2 0 2 LOCK-OUT (368)
VOID 6976 0 2 0 2 FIVE SPHERES (462)
MEASLE 6966 0 2 0 2 PLAGUE BEARER (545)
RUBELLA 6967 0 2 0 2 PLAGUE BEARER (545)
POX 6964 0 2 0 2 PLAGUE BEARER (545)
HIV 6968 0 2 0 2 PLAGUE BEARER (545)
TOSSED SALAD 6987 0 1 0 1 HIT ME WITH... (503)
-ZIPPER 4404 0 1 0 1 RESCUE RANGERS (362)
-PURGE 2 6404 0 1 0 1 BATTLEFIELD GIRTH (504)
DIRT 6993 0 1 0 1 FIVE SPHERES (462)
'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.
THE DEAD W L K TEAM NAME SLAIN BY TURN Revenge?
49'ERS SUCK 6763 0 1 0 5 BELOW ZERO 532 STONE GOLEM 26 326 NONE
LAZY EYE 6564 5 8 0 BUMS 'R' US 465 DEMURRER 5828 322 NOT REVE
ARNIE SHEW 21 0 1 0 DARK ARENA 0 SCROD 6990 326 NONE
ATILA 6958 0 3 0 FACES OF ETERNITY 539 NUMSKULL 6751 326
ALEXANDER 6864 1 3 0 FACES OF ETERNITY 539 TAY STARLE 6808 326
FIRE 6849 0 3 0 FIVE SPHERES 462 ANASTASIUS 6839 326
VOYDE 6848 0 1 0 FIVE SPHERES 462 ANASTASIUS 6839 324
SHANDRIL SHESSAI 6982 0 2 0 FORGOTTEN REALMS 185 BORED ELF 19 326 NONE
DANICA 1872 11 19 0 FORGOTTEN REALMS 185 GAZREKK 6438 324
NOT THAT 6986 0 1 0 HIT ME WITH... 503 SEA MONSTER 27 326 NONE
SLACKJAW 6750 4 1 0 I'M WITH STUPID 531 HELMS 6660 326
SUBROGATION 6850 0 3 0 LEGALESE 449 EARL OF ZIPPY 6566 324 REVENGED
BAFFLE 6945 1 2 0 LOSERS 544 JORGE BLACK ORC 20 326 NONE
T.N.T. 6054 9 10 0 METAL MELTDOWN 344 MARINE TROLL 18 326 NONE
TOXICITY 6493 0 1 0 METAL MELTDOWN 344 GARGOYLE PRINCE 25 326 NONE
YUCK II 6999 0 1 0 MINATOUR KINGS 379 JORGE BLACK ORC 20 326 NONE
POT POURRI 6911 1 3 0 MY BEST BUDS 2 542 POWER TEMP 6996 326
PRONOUN 6819 0 2 0 RED AVENGERS 487 WILLOW 6659 323
THE HOLLOW 6118 6 10 1 THIEVES GUILD 396 BORED ELF 19 326 NONE
TAIL GUNNER 6995 0 1 0 THE UPSTARTS III 510 STRANGLEMEELMO 6762 326
EARL OF ZIPPY 6566 3 3 1 THE UPSTARTS III 510 DEMURRER 5828 325
PERSONAL ADS
Death Stud -- You are significantly misinformed. (Note: I did not say misformed.)
That was no random procrastination attack, rather that was just The Sentinel doing
his "thing". -- The Ever Helpful Crazy Creepster
The funniest thing we heard all week was the TOGS round two comment of "... switch
TOGS partners from Guardian to a sock...." So very, very hilarious! -- The Crazy
Creepster
Soultaker -- When are you going to write a Spotlight? -- The Crazy Creepster
Armalias -- You had me concerned there. Hope you didn't get lost in a pile of
Chicken Ooohhhz. -- Ghoti
Mr. T. Thunder -- I went in blind, man. That's why you won. -- Syda Hammie
Frub -- I am sure it was sheer luck. Well, that and I had a great run against your
kind in the tourney. -- Smirlin
Armalias -- Couldn't ask for a more timely return...but we got ourselves into the
cellar. Someone is gonna make the mistake we is easy pickins. -- Ghoti
Is it just me, or does it seem that Guardian is being nice? Holiday season? In over
his head? -- Ghosts Of Dead Godlings Purposely Killed at FTF's
There are no good live Andorians. -- The Guardiane
I don't know, there were some pretty short spotlights last turn.... -- Ghoti
Guardiethmyethtwateth -- I may seriously need to learn some respect, but you don't!
Thanks for naming your warrior after me! Dude, you're hella cool! Mameek has
nothing on you.... You know I'm not doing that well in Gateway, right? And I don't
even have any warriors that I actually run in Primus.... Yet still you give me mad
props.... There may be hope for you yet, Losers! Thanks for all the love! --
Ganoloser
All -- We have arrived for TOGS. I guess better late than never. -- CFH
Jack -- Sorry, bro. We'll make it up. -- CFH
Gano -- You say I'm arrogant yet to my knowledge, before your ad saying I had no
chance here and wasn't good enough to compete and would be no threat, we had never
before spoken in the personals. That's hardly arrogant; in fact, I would say you
were disrespecting me without knowing me, because you don't--we've never been in an
arena together (again to my knowledge). I was merely responding to your post about
me; I didn't start this but rest assured I'll finish it. Now if I only knew who you
were and what teams you run! -- guardian
Soultaker -- You old son of a gun, still on that fantasy kick. Not surprised, some
never do make it into reality, after all, look at you. Somehow I envision you
looking into a mirror, you shirt tugger you. After your tournament, if the Studly
one gives you the boot just imagine the load taken off his shoulders. (no stud of
death, not the glue factory) although his kind do belong there, similar to a donkey
or mule, starts with a j, ends with a couple of s's, can't quite put my finger on it.
-- Barnabas
Indimar -- Man, tearing it up, my brother. Oh, I'm sorry, low profile, that's right.
So far you and Elephant are just cruising right a long, top dog in TOGS last turn,
congrats. Well hey, I don't want to make a spectacle out of you two, so I'll keep it
low key. -- Barnabas
Elephant -- Boy those strats Indimar gave you last turn must have really helped, he
now is getting a taste of what poor old Death Stud goes through. Good luck, Schnops.
-- Barnabas
Ganolus -- Trying to stand strong, my brother, may your blades run swift and true. --
Barnabas
Nuln -- The venryintor is coming to a rapid close, although by the time you receive
this message it will be done. Time to set a D-Day, amigo, we're going in!!! The
battle will be long but successful, as the old saying goes (Trust Me). -- Barnabas
Pip -- Thanks for the congrats, guess I shouldn't have ripped ya last turn although I
get a feeling like maybe it reversed this turn. Keep up the good work, I think you
got a chance. What were Manager's odds on your team? Should have placed a bet. --
Barnabas
Death Stud -- How's the back? -- Barnabas
Soulie -- OK I won't be a jerk, although I still think this is some kind of a ploy to
keep me from coming after you. Yeah, I could hear your voice trembling while you
were giving me this week excuse on proper etiquette. -- Barnabas
Hombre -- Kickin' ass, amigo. -- Barnabas
Guardian -- How's this for respect...if you're gonna stick it out and pay me back
threefold over time, then there's no way I'm gonna have anything to do with TOGS 7 or
8. You're just way too great of a manager, man! Your Losers are gonna be scary good
after 5 or 6 years in Aradi. Matter of fact, I've been asking around about you in
Primus and Gateway. You were absolutely correct about yourself and as Willow once
said to Mad Mardigan, "You ARE great!" I already have plans to leave Aradi
altogether with my tail between my legs maybe as early as 2006, because there's no
way I'm gonna let you get the best of me! But in the mean time, I beg of your
Lordship one small favor...shut your pie hole! -- Ganolus
If I'm gonna be accused of disrespect, it might as well be rightfully. -- Ganolus
Zesty! -- Too Icky
Do you feel Llucky, punk!?! Do ya!?! -- Scabby
Void -- Sorry 'bout that! Those spears to gut tend to knock the wind out of people.
-- Bloody Mess
Elephant and Indimar -- Congrats on first place! Glad to see you guys doing well...
for now. -- Ganolus
Nuln -- I've already got my hands full! Please do not give me a piece of you.
Unless you got any reprocessed Chic Peas on you? Yummy! -- Ganolus
Soultaker -- Those damn unretentive chickens! That's some funny stuff! -- Ganolus
Death Stud -- What's a sandbagger? Never mind, I looked it up, but it wasn't
intentional (and it certainly hasn't been helping), I just transferred this team from
a slow arena where I meant to run, but always forgot to activate the warriors. I
wish I could get one of those sandbagging things going, because maybe then I could
get one of those TV things. -- The Rage Man
DeGotti -- Wow, everyone hates you. I guess it pays to be successful. -- The Rage
Man
Onedawg -- That's the way it goes sometimes. We are not out of this thing until the
last round (despite Manager's predictions). Just keep plugging away (in a metaphoric
sense, not the way Nuln does with...). -- Master Darque
Five Spheres -- We would be disappointed with anything less. -- Anastasius and Darque
Ages
Death Stud -- Thank you. Good to be back in town. -- Master Darque
Water -- Gotta send someone faster. -- Anastasius
Typhoon XXII -- My manager doesn't make it a practice of challenging managers that
help him out, but you were the only warrior he was sure of in the style department.
-- Leo
Tay Starle -- OOWW!! Why did you hit me so hard? After all, I am -- Innocent
Graffix -- Well, it is about time for me to dance in the darque. -- Sixtus
All -- Hi, my name is Yukon. I'm a lumberjack and I'm ok. I put-- What? What the
<beep> do you mean this isn't the <beeping> lumberjack meeting? I'm getting pretty
<beeping> tried of you and your <beeping> clipboard telling me it's the <beeping>
wrong meeting. I went 5-0 last turn. You can't <beeping> talk to me like that.
<beep>-hole. -- Yukon
McCain -- I am not sure what motivated Wimpy to have my challenge go to you. Not
only did you give me my first loss, but you taught me nada, zip, zero, nothing. How
can I compete in the TOGS if I don't learn and improve my skills? -- Pipsqueak
Goldfish -- I made a good challenge. Yes indeed I did. It is just that you are much
better than I thought and you didn't even have the decency to teach me one skill. --
Frub
Bush -- How embarrassing. To get beat by the likes of you, what an insult. -- Freep
Thompson -- I see that you got a little smarter after our fight. Now perhaps you
will run when you see me coming. -- Namby Pamby
Mannequin -- It is not nice to pick on Wimps for all your points. We are here to get
beaten up, but not stepped on. Why not try someone other team? If you keep
challenging us you will get a reputation as a wimp-picker-oner, and will have the
others look down on you. -- Wimpy
Nuln -- Funny thing is, the day I got my newsletter...my car wouldn't start. :P --
Ralph the Anti-Nuln
P.S. 'Twas just a loose battery cable, so on with da TOGS!
Snotperson -- "Ralph?" Dude, that was like soooo three voices in my head ago! --
Anti, (or "Cindy Sparkly" in certain parts of North Dakota)
Legalese -- Hope you feel better now, we've both lost 21-17 er's...though you lost
yours in a random matchup. Eh, life goes on. -- Anti
All -- More good writing last turn, keep it up! -- Anti
DeGotti -- Actually I just wanted to keep your name out there since we generally
forget you exist after a turn or two. :) -- Anti
P.S. No need to thank me, just thank the Naked Nuln.
Soultaker -- Yeah, you could fry an egg or two on my personals. :) -- Nuln
Eeeew, but would you want to eat them afterwards? I think not. -- Ed.
Scabby -- So why do they call you Scabby? -- an innocent mind of Aradi
Anti -- I like that analogy a lot. I'll keep it with my fruitcake (which is an
excellent re-gifter, I might add). -- Nuln
Yukon -- Did you pick your team name before or after you teamed up w/Shadowgate?
Just curious. :) -- Nuln
Barnabas -- I appreciate you telling Rip to take a dive for my T@#$ posterity. I owe
you a drink the next time I see you at the Inn. -- Nuln
Thorne -- Ahh, that felt much better. -- Winker X
Snotman -- Thanks for telling us before hand when you'd be out of the country. I
made sure to fill out your avoids for you while you were gone. -- your good buddy
Nuln
Ganolyolus -- Now you've become the other kind of manolus. The kind keeping me down
all the time. It may not be this turn, but I *will* get my Revenge. -- GaNulnus
Dreihdenflahg -- Are you ok there, buddy? -- Nuln, concerned
Lummox -- Sounds like you should get your ears and tongue trimmed, then, my friend.
-- Sir Zestalot
Death Stud -- I'm trying to think, "How would Snotman have answered that personal?"
Unfortunately, my brain isn't complying. -- Nuln
Death Stud -- Speaking of Snotman, I bet you didn't notice your own personal to
Manager: "Manager -- ...very good...off...frothing...again...good...blood...
flowing...impact...distance.... -- Death Stud" I need say no more. -- Nuln
Lord of the 'O' Ring -- Look who's wearing the one ring, biznitch! -- Mr. Ayl'm'er
(a.k.a. your Daddy)
Too Icky -- I was too intimidated by your bu dagger. Next time, things will be
different. -- Sir Z
I'm not sure what a "bu" dagger is, though knowing you guys, I suspect it's
something I ought not allow in the newsletters. -- Ed.
Elephant -- Weed for mom. Nice. -- Nuln
All -- Well, not the best turn record wise but taking the throne helped Yukon and I
win the turn. Mostly, thanks to Yukon's 5-0. Okay, ego big enough now Yukon? --
Shadowgate
Death Stud -- If your mocking me will keep us on a winning streak, keep it up! We
will see who beats whom in this contest! I am just glad I knocked Too Much Goo out
of Novices at 7-3! :P -- Shadowgate
Frub -- Now that was a surprise, wasn't it? I am fairly good and don't fall over
that easily! -- Goldfish
Avhienda -- YOU BE NICE OR I MAKE YOU CHIC PEA CLUSTER! -- Headrock
Guardian -- Just wanted to let you know that Ganolus runs CAVITY CREEPS and BLOOD
RELATED in Gateway. -- Manager (That's what you get, Ganolus, for always challenging
me in 100.)
Death Stud -- Normally, a personal ad like you wrote to me would have me incensed,
with my manhood being threatened and all. However, this time, I am quite content
knowing that I have a Golden Scrod and you don't. -- Manager
P.S. You do realize that you, Soultaker, Nuln, and Snotman are the losingest TOGS
managers in history right?
P.P.S. Piss me off more and I will tell Guardian who you run in Gateway and Primus
too.
Yukon & Shadowgate -- Congrats on a great turn! Way to bounce back! -- Manager
Death Stud -- You didn't have time to finish your spotlight, but you did have time to
write a whole page of personal ads. (As well as look up the word "chock", unless
your vocabulary is greater than I'm giving you credit for.) Maybe if you focused a
bit more.... -- Manager, professional TOGS consultant.
Indimar -- Wow if only this were a sprint. I always hated distance running and it
looks like we're in for a marathon. Keep carrying me, partner. -- Elephant
Death Stud -- You almost flaked on your spotlight? Hell, all of those ads you wrote
last turn were longer than my spotlight. <grin> -- Elephant
Ghoti -- Nice turn. -- Armalias
Anybody have any Grey Poupon? -- Dreihdenflahg
Elephant -- Great turn, partner. Keep up the good work. -- Indimar
Hombre -- You were right. This is some of the best reading material to ever grace my
facilities. -- Indimar
Soultaker -- More Barnabas material please. -- Indimar Fallon
Death Stud -- I never knew I played such a large role in your fantasy life. --
Indimar
Winker X -- I feel so warm and fuzzy inside knowing you used your TV challenge
against Thorne. -- DeGotti
Rillion -- Your congrats and Pip's gift certificate were greatly appreciated. --
DeGotti
The Rage Man -- Maybe we can get lucky this turn and get more than one challenge
through. -- DeGotti
Elephant/Sir Indimar -- Congrats on being in first! -- Hombre
Ganoloser -- Oh my god, having your manager name you so it makes fun of another
manager...how second grade is that? -- Dichabod
All -- Nice spotlights everyone! If nothing else, this tourney makes for great
bathroom reading material, except for Soultaker's spots, which I just want to wipe
with.... -- Hombre
Onedawg -- Love reading your stories, bro. Keep 'em comin'. -- Hombre
Slipknot -- I'm not sure how, with your record, that I was unable to perform better
but you can bet if we meet again I will be better prepared for you. -- Maui Wowie!
Son of Bloodlust -- Now that's no way too treat a lady is it? I try not to totally
humiliate you and give you a chance to give up and you sneak an attack in on me? I
won't let my guard down again rest assured! -- 4-FT PB
Togs Loser -- Blame that loss on your manager. Tell him to change your name and
perhaps warriors won't come looking for easy wins against you. In fact I believe
Street Legal is trying to arrange for me to fight you again! -- Pot Pourri
Angry Santa -- Thanks, now I have an Angry Manager too. -- Skunk #1
Sixtus -- The bigger they are the harder they fall! I'm just glad you didn't fall on
me! -- Graffix
All -- 1-4...you guys were tough on me last turn. Maybe I'll actually get a
challenge through this time. -- The Greek Guy
Black Cat -- I'm sure you're too much of a fraidy cat to fight me. I'm challenging
anyway. -- Llosmic Llammer
The Rage Man -- You are welcome. -- Rillion
Manager -- Good to hear that our strong start bodes well for our chances in this
TOGS. Now if we can just avoid that infamous choking problem we have. Fortunately I
have been learning how to perform a new technique called a Heimlich. -- Rillion
Shadowgate -- Hopefully you and Yukon got your great turn out of your system as well!
-- Rillion
Master Darque -- Yeah, your multiple names and hence the chance to use the name, Ashe
Master, won you a starring role in my story. You at least get to avoid the quick
deaths of other managers (Street Legal, Rascally Rabbit, Indimar, and Elephant so
far) but since this is a TOGS story, no one is likely to make it out alive. --
Rillion
Street Legal -- Sorry about the quick duck death and exit. No offense was meant, it
is just that I wanted to use your TOGS partner for the R2D2 role. So since you were
his TOGS partner I made you his partner in the story as well. But I quickly grew
tired to trying to write long speeches for you so you had to die. If you decide to
use it as an excuse to come after my team, well then good, I can use the wins. --
Rillion
Nuln -- Yes, a root hugger free TOGS would be great. As for letting the BoB down,
that won't be a problem. After my tourney performance I've completely lowered their
expectations. -- Rillion
Grammer Stud -- Thanks for the connecting my word choice. -- Rillion
Connecting your words? Is that like connect the dots? -- Ed.
Thundra -- I don't LIKE loud noises! They startle me. They confuse my ears, which
are very good ears, better than any HUMAN ears. Bigger, too, of course. And then
you hit me with the rolled up newspaper! That is so unfair! Just because I jumped
and barked, and it was YOU who made me jump and bark ANYWAY. That is JUST like a
human. -- Lummox the saddened but still man's best friend
Syringe -- You don't actually think you're going to stick that thing IN me, do you?
I don't care what you say, NO sane dog would sit still for something like that.
NONE. -- Bull Doggam
Llosmic Llammer -- How can you expect me or ANY dog to follow orders if you don't
speak clearly? -- Boone
Noodles -- You thought I could be defeated by PASTA? I am a DOG. I am a Dog Star!
-- Sirius
Herrol -- (snap, snap. snappity. snarl. snap. nip. bite.) -- Teacup Terrier
The Limelight -- Congratulations on making it out alive. You showed a positively
canine persistence in digging under that fence. -- Spot, Red Dog Gang
Ed. -- Sure. I don't mind sharing. You're nice to old dogs. This is a desirable
character trait and should be encouraged. -- Spot
P.S. He says he's coming.
P.P.S. Hold out for the Pecan Gallery. It's best.
And I encourage well with cookies. -- Ed.
P.S. I like walnuts equally well. But I am getting very tired of peanuts.
Anastasius -- Okay, we won't bloodfeud successfully until we darn-well want to. --
Five Spheres
Death Stud -- I thought I'd make it a habit to change my manager name each time I
changed TOGS partners or underwear (whichever comes first). Twice in two years is
causing some chaffing. -- Voyde
All -- I was trying to plan my challenges this turn but I kept getting flashes of
someone asking for "Marsh'l Dill'n" or "Miss Kitty". Channeling Gabby Hayes can only
mean challenge Soultaker this turn (or bad cocoa powder). -- Voyde
Nuln -- To your Mom. -- Voyde
Namby Pamby -- You're the hardest hitting little panty-waist I ever met! -- Thompson
Somfma -- I had you right where I wanted you, didn't I? -- Helms
White Raven -- That was fun, let's do it again! -- Murray
Pipsqueak -- You just wish you were half the man I am. Oh, wait, you ARE half the
man I am! -- McCain
Freep -- Don't mess with Texas! -- Bush
Wimpy -- Why don't we just make this whole contest a personal grudge match? :) --
Mannequin
All -- The obligatory one ad for this turn just to make sure I don't forget.
Hopefully more joyous words from me further down in the newsletter. -- Death Stud
Ganolus -- You are such a silver tongued devil. -- Soultaker
Anti -- I am not sure about the Dave Clark Five. I have always thought of you as
tits on a boar hog. -- Soultaker
Barnabas -- Are you talking to me? Quiet or I will go wake up Ichabod. -- Soultaker
Manager -- You can't spell manager without A-N-A-L. Whoops, I guess you can but it
so fits. -- SoULTaker
All -- I am having the best time reading all the spotlights. Great stuff!!!!!!!!! --
Soultaker
Anti -- Way to write. I am glad to see you lower your standards to match the rest of
us gutter trash. -- Soultaker
Sultan -- Just stay out of the conversation unless you bring a note from Hoffa. --
Soultaker
Pipsqueek -- Oooooh! That really burns my bacon. I had just the right strategy, did
all the right things and lost humiliatingly! -- Mistress Bombtronic
Manager -- S-l-u-t. That is so true. I am tempted to call Liverspot S-l-u-t from
now on. -- Snotman
If you think I won't know what you're saying when you spell stuff out, you're
wrong.... *grin* Or is it someone else you're trying to fool? -- Ed.
Rillion -- Hey, I guess I'm a little slow. Ashe Master is very funny! -- Snotman
All -- Nice work on the spotlights so far. It is taking me a damn long time to work
my way through them. I think that people thought that I was pretty weird when I
started laughing out loud in that internet cafe in Vietnam. -- Snotman
Laches -- That's because you were looking at the wrong end. -- Nappy D
S-l-u-t -- You can have in-fighting without talking. For example, Nuln challenged
Lord of the O-Rings last turn. Two TOGS we have teamed up together and this his how
he treats me. With no respect? -- Snotman
Nuln -- Your six-pack of admantbreaklium would shatter like ice against my "grill" of
adamantunbreaklium (check the spelling you inbred freak!) -- Snotman
P.S. Who hit someone with beer? That's both rude and bizarre. If I took 14 shots
at your dome you can be sure I'd be using my adamantunbreaklium baseball bat!
Nuln -- Heh, fate can be cruel, I agree. But Ralph being low on cash is like betting
on the Raiders to choke again. It's a sure thing. -- Snotman
Death Stud -- I'm sure that everyone knows that statistics and quotes lie. All we
learned from your mangling of my personal ad is that you have strong obsessions with
the words "Rock", "ass", "hard" and "fast". Just put it all in a sentence and get it
over with. -- Snotman
Shadowgate -- I'm insulted by your implication that I have had carnal relations with
a chicken. You can read through 10 years of spotlights and personals and you will
never find any hint that would make you think that. I'm a goat man all the way. --
Snotman
P.S. Um, except for S-l-u-t's spotlight this turn. But before this turn, nothing!
The Rage Man -- Welcome to the TOGS. If you can survive this, you can survive in any
fast arena. I haven't even finished reading the spotlights and personals from last
turn. Nothing gets you behind faster than having to read 30 spotlights. -- Snotman
Death Stud -- Unfortunately this is an Andorian arena, if I start spewing forth cess
ridden filth and hatred, well, you guys just might start to cry; I won't have that on
my conscience. I'll be taking it easy on you peeps. And as far as Guardian dragging
me down, I think you got that one backwards. Besides, it's all my fault anyway. --
Pip
Wildfire -- I REpreSENT that blow to the head, you filthy maggot! -- Atila
T-Mac -- Hmpf...I thought I was going to walk away from our fight with a southern
accent what with all those "twangs" going on. You got lucky and jumped me; next time
it shall be I who does the rap-rap-rapping on your blade! -- Lancelot
Numskull -- I HAD YOU, I HAD YOU, I HAD YOU!! WHY?! Better yet, HOW?? --
Quetzacoatyl
Arena Gods -- **grumble grumble** -- Onedawg
Earl of Zippy -- You are sentenced to death for killing Subrogation. Judgement
served. -- Legalese
Death Stud -- Thanks for asking. My family and friends are all okay despite the
damage caused by the wildfires in the San Diego area. A couple of friends lost their
homes, but we are a strong community, and are here to help them during this difficult
time.
Hombre -- Nah, if we win the TOGS IV I doubt Wimpy and I would name Aradi "Dixon U",
despite the fact that you named it Rio Vista after the last TOGS. I have not made it
up to Dixon in over a year--and Wimpy lives on the East Coast, so it does not make
sense for us. It would be kind of funny, though. Outside you, Ganolus, possibly
Snotman and Death Stud, I doubt anyone has ever heard of Dixon. It is most famous
for its yearly festival called "Lamb Town." Nice--a town known for a bunch of sheep.
It was a good thought, though. -- Judge
13 November 2003
Let it be known far and wide, that the Warrior TUM 18-7380, the Champions Runner-Up
for the recent Tournament, is managed by none other than Shocking Toad. I named this
fabulous warrior after my friend and mentor, TUM, a.k.a. Don! Sorry TUM didn't get
me my first TC; however, a runner-up with all those sandbaggers is pretty impressive,
if I do say so myself. -- Shocking Toad, The Manager
All -- Just so you know, I love it when a plan comes together. All those points
Ghoti and I had last turn is just the beginning. Stay tuned for news and comment,
coming up next on *fill in the blank for a prize*. I just LOVE this bar. -- Armalias
Soultaker -- Please, challenge my warriors all you want. Forgotten Realms needs the
wins. You old salty dog. -- Armalias
Sentinel -- You, too. All the challenges I keep getting from you in Andorak are
starting to tick me off. I'm going to retaliate soon as I find the time to plan my
challenges and keep track of trains and run in tourneys. Just you wait. LOL! --
Armalias
13 November 2003
All -- This is to announce that I am no longer a member of the Vendetta Cartel
Alliance. I have enjoyed my time there, and I've made some great friends. Their
company will be missed, but they will endure. I wish them well. -- Apex
2 December 2003
ZalCon2, ZalCon Reloaded
Where: Jhelum, DM 4
When: February 9th or 23rd, 2003 (TBA when Mail In date set)
How Long: 20 Turns
Restrictions: Zero FE at start of contest. Must announce warrior styles by second
arena fight to receive points. No prize modified warriors. No entry to July Face,
No TV Challenges. All prizes to be used exclusively on warriors from the contest
team only.
Awards:
First Initiate Duelmaster (FID): First warrior announced in the contest to
reach the throne.
Prize: Limited Damage Potion, increasing damage for 1 warrior by one rating to
max for ST/SZ.
Warrior MVP: Top warrior based on MVP points accrued in the contest.
Prize: Limited Damage Potion, Favorites Knowledge for any warrior on team, +1
to bonus in any skill area up to max for style for 1 warrior on team, 2
nights stay at Winter FTF Hotel.
Team MVP: Top Team based on MVP points accrued in contest by all the teams
warriors.
Prize: Limited Damage Potion, Favorites Knowledge, +1 to Bonus, 6 Months Free
Play, 20 Rollups.
Warrior MVP Top 11: Next 10 warriors on MVP list at the end of the contest.
Prize: +1 to Bonus
Style Master: Top warrior in each style based on Style Master points accrued in
the contest.
Prize: Favorites Knowledge of any warrior on team.
Iron Manager Award: Minimum 95 fights in contest by any team.
Prize: Choice of free entry for team to 2005 Winter Face or +1 to Bonus for one
warrior.
MVP Point System: +1 for Win, Fight, Kill, Recognition Leader (after Round 3), -1
Death, +2 Duelmaster, +2 each 3 Consecutive turns as DM, +1 Quality Win (any win over
opponent with 5 or more Rec), +1 for each 10 Rec points over 5 in win (+1 for 5-14
above, +2 for 15-24 above, +3 for 25-34 above).
Style Master Point System: +2 Style Master, +1 Win vs. Same Style Opponent, +1 Win
vs. Same Style Master, +1 for 3 Consecutive Turns as Style Master (rolling).
Please direct any question about rules or clarifications to me, Robert
Occhipinti, via Diplo to DM74, 1988 Dodgers or email to zalgor@hotmail.com. All
rules decisions made by me are final and binding within the confines of this contest.
LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS
T.N.T. was butchered by MARINE TROLL in a 1 minute bloody Dark Arena fight.
THE HOLLOW was viciously butchered by BORED ELF in a 1 minute Dark Arena battle.
SHANDRIL SHESSAIR was killed by BORED ELF in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
BAFFLE was barely slain by JORGE BLACK ORC in a popular 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
TOXICITY was murdered by GARGOYLE PRINCE in a 1 minute Dark Arena competition.
49'ERS SUCK was butchered by STONE GOLEM in a 1 minute Dark Arena duel.
YUCK II was assassinated by JORGE BLACK ORC in a 1 minute brutal Dark Arena struggle.
SCROD butchered ARNIE SHEW in a 2 minute gory Dark Arena competition.
NOT THAT was easily killed by SEA MONSTER in a 1 minute Dark Arena melee.
FIRE was slaughtered by ANASTASIUS in a 1 minute uneven Bloodfeud duel.
GAZREKK was overpowered by BLACKBURST in a 1 minute uneven Challenge duel.
MURRAY was overpowered by AVIENDHA in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
WINKER X was overcome by THUNDRA in a exciting 2 minute veteran's Challenge bout.
NEWCASTLE was outlasted by SCABBY in a crowd pleasing 7 minute Challenge competition.
SLACKJAW was murdered by HELMS in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge match.
SYRINGE overpowered MC CAIN in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge conflict.
ACUTE was savagely defeated by BLACK CAT in a 3 minute veteran's Challenge Title duel.
THE AYL'M'ER vanquished LLOSMIC LLAMMER in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fray.
DEMURRER devastated THORNE in a popular 1 minute brutal mismatched Challenge brawl.
BUSH demolished BLUE BEANIE in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
FREEP was savagely defeated by THE BRICK in a unpopular 15 minute Challenge fight.
GOLDFISH was bested by PIPSQUEAK in a 2 minute Challenge bout.
NAPPY DUGOUT was overpowered by GUMMI GHOUL in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
SLOUGH was vanquished by SIRIUS in a 1 minute gory mismatched Challenge fray.
IVAN was savagely defeated by TALON in a popular 4 minute gruesome Challenge fight.
SPIT overpowered SMIRLIN in a 1 minute uneven Challenge fight.
CYVIN was outlasted by TYVINREK in a exciting 7 minute gruesome Challenge bout.
LACHES was savagely defeated by WHITE RAVEN in a 4 minute Challenge duel.
KARATE WRECKER handily defeated IKER in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge bout.
SANDSTORM lost to LLUPERIOR LLORCES in a 1 minute Challenge bout.
GRAFFIX was overpowered by SLIPKNOT in a 1 minute uneven Challenge fight.
TOGS STINKER was overcome by ROSENCRANTZ in a exciting 3 minute Challenge fight.
SYDA HAMMIE savagely defeated HERROL in a 9 minute gory Challenge fight.
ANGRY SUE overpowered FLORIN FALCONHAND in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
ZERBERT luckily beat GUILDENSTERN in a action packed 4 minute Challenge contest.
TUFF was savagely defeated by GOURMET GRUEL in a exciting 1 minute Challenge struggle.
BARON devastated TOGS LOSER in a popular 1 minute brutal uneven Challenge bout.
NECROMANCER XLVII demolished DICHABOD in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge conflict.
DUSTSTORM was beaten by DOVE FALCONHAND in a action packed 1 minute Challenge bout.
4-FT PARTY BONG overpowered HENRY IV in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge competition.
SUPERNOVA viciously subdued PIKEL in a exciting 8 minute gory Challenge duel.
LANCELOT was demolished by VICIOUS RUMOR in a 1 minute uneven Challenge duel.
ORIGINAL SHOCKER bested HOSCHA in a 1 minute Challenge match.
VOID was handily defeated by BING in a 5 minute mismatched Challenge duel.
NAMBY PAMBY was defeated by TWO IN THE GOO in a 1 minute Challenge brawl.
ATILA was executed by NUMSKULL in a 1 minute uneven Challenge competition.
INSANITY overcame SIXTUS in a popular 1 minute novice's Challenge match.
MARDUK demolished SHARP STICK in a 1 minute uneven Challenge fight.
DERRIN overpowered LEO in a 1 minute uneven Challenge bout.
ZYLLEIX'S SHADE overpowered S.L.A.P.P. in a 1 minute uneven Challenge competition.
PIP THE TROLL was savagely defeated by THE-SHOCKER in a 5 minute Challenge conflict.
ALEXANDER was assassinated by TAY STARLE in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge bout.
WATER viciously subdued BONG in a crowd pleasing 4 minute novice's Challenge conflict.
QUETZACOATYL was demolished by BIGGEST PETE in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge brawl.
XXX was savagely defeated by TYPHOON XXII in a unpopular 17 minute Challenge battle.
TOO ICKY overpowered BOONE in a 1 minute uneven bout.
LLLENGEANCE slimly lost to LUMMOX in a crowd pleasing 2 minute bloody veteran's fight.
BLACK EYE was viciously subdued by QUICKSAND in a exciting 2 minute gory bout.
THE LIMELIGHT vanquished M. CHARDINEE in a 1 minute mismatched match.
BULL DOGGAM was demolished by HEADROCK in a 1 minute one-sided conflict.
SIR ZESTALOT overpowered ACK ACK in a 1 minute mismatched bout.
THE SPOTLIGHT demolished OBITER DICTA in a 1 minute uneven duel.
LORD OF THE O RINGS overpowered WIND in a 1 minute one-sided fight.
TEACUP TERRIER was overpowered by RIP RAP in a 1 minute uneven melee.
TRIPLICATE THUNDER was beaten by SPONGEBOB in a 2 minute brutal battle.
MISTRESS BOMBTRONIC viciously subdued MARBURY in a slow 32 minute bloody fight.
BRAK was luckily beaten by FRUB in a crowd pleasing 6 minute brutal duel.
KABOOM savagely defeated THE HONEST MERCHANT in a popular 2 minute gory match.
SOMFMA was overpowered by NOODLES in a 1 minute mismatched fight.
LLUCKY DAY was viciously subdued by DREK in a exciting 4 minute bloody struggle.
LLUGS AND LLISSES demolished TRICK OR TREAT in a 1 minute uneven match.
ANDROGENOUS STRAIN was bested by T-MAC in a 2 minute battle.
CYCLONE was overpowered by VORPAL BUNNY in a 1 minute uneven fight.
BLOODY HELL was unbelievably bested by INSISTANT BEGGAR in a 5 minute match.
SON OF BLOODLUST vanquished POLITE BEGGAR in a 2 minute uneven match.
MR OBLIVIOUS defeated INNOCENT in a action packed 1 minute master vs. novice bout.
MAUI WOWIE! won victory over BLOODY MESS in a 1 minute match.
JAMIS overpowered SANDY BEACH in a crowd pleasing 1 minute one-sided contest.
SKUNK #1 was overpowered by HELL MARY in a 1 minute one-sided match.
POT POURRI was easily killed by POWER TEMP in a 1 minute gruesome one-sided fight.
WEED 4 MOM was subdued by ANGRY SANTA in a 6 minute novice's contest.
VIKEN was subdued by DUNNO in a 2 minute beginner's bout.
CHOCOLATE STARFISH lost to MR. NEGATIVITY in a 2 minute beginner's match.
URG THE UNCLEAN was handily defeated by GANOLOSER in a 1 minute uneven match.
55 SUCKS MORE was beaten by WURL POOLE in a 1 minute novice's competition.
ADRIANO was unbelievably bested by FLICKED BOOGERS in a 2 minute novice's battle.
POX was narrowly defeated by THOMPSON in a 2 minute amateur's fight.
MEASLE was overcome by WILDFIRE in a 5 minute novice's fight.
RUBELLA was overpowered by TWICKLEBUM in a 1 minute one-sided bout.
HIV lost to TA'LON THE VILE in a exciting 2 minute gruesome amateur's fight.
SCRAG bested TOSSED SALAD in a 1 minute novice's melee.
RAAM MANSLAYER lost to HANGMAN in a popular 4 minute novice's struggle.
STRANGLEMEELMO easily killed TAIL GUNNER in a 1 minute one-sided struggle.
DIRT was vanquished by ASSHE-MASTER in a crowd boring 5 minute mismatched bout.
IAGO vanquished POLITE BEGGAR in a 1 minute mismatched duel.
BATTLE REPORT
MOST POPULAR RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS
|FIGHTING STYLE FIGHTS FIGHTING STYLE W - L - K PERCENT|
|LUNGING ATTACK 39 PARRY-LUNGE 15 - 14 - 0 52 |
|STRIKING ATTACK 36 WALL OF STEEL 38 - 36 - 1 51 |
|TOTAL PARRY 28 LUNGING ATTACK 160 - 158 - 8 50 |
|SLASHING ATTACK 16 AIMED BLOW 44 - 48 - 1 48 |
|BASHING ATTACK 14 TOTAL PARRY 94 - 110 - 3 46 |
|AIMED BLOW 12 STRIKING ATTACK 98 - 119 - 8 45 |
|PARRY-STRIKE 11 SLASHING ATTACK 76 - 103 - 8 42 |
|WALL OF STEEL 10 PARRY-RIPOSTE 25 - 38 - 3 40 |
|PARRY-LUNGE 6 PARRY-STRIKE 17 - 30 - 1 36 |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE 5 BASHING ATTACK 29 - 56 - 8 34 |
Turn 326 was great if you Not so great if you used The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles: the fighting styles: top eleven warriors are:
SLASHING ATTACK 11 - 5 STRIKING ATTACK 17 - 19 6 LUNGING ATTACK
BASHING ATTACK 8 - 6 TOTAL PARRY 13 - 15 2 SLASHING ATTACK
LUNGING ATTACK 20 - 19 AIMED BLOW 5 - 7 1 PARRY-RIPOSTE
PARRY-LUNGE 3 - 3 PARRY-RIPOSTE 2 - 3 1 WALL OF STEEL
WALL OF STEEL 5 - 5 PARRY-STRIKE 3 - 8 1 STRIKING ATTACK
TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE
FIGHTING STYLE WARRIOR W L K PNTS TEAM NAME
PARRY-RIPOSTE BLACK CAT 6268 17 8 0 129 SHADOW SIGNS (491)
WALL OF STEEL THUNDRA 5122 17 12 1 121 FA CHING (388)
LUNGING ATTACK SYRINGE 6003 14 6 0 108 BLOOD RELATED (395)
SLASHING ATTACK TOO ICKY 5937 14 9 0 105 BLOOD RELATED (395)
STRIKING ATTACK LLLENGEANCE 5864 12 6 2 91 LUROCIANS VI (431)
FIGHTING STYLE WARRIOR W L K PNTS TEAM NAME
BASHING ATTACK DEMURRER 5828 11 7 2 78 LEGALESE (449)
PARRY-LUNGE LORD OF THE O RINGS 6022 18 10 1 73 WILD CARDS (148)
AIMED BLOW MC CAIN 6662 8 2 0 70 POWER BROKERS (527)
TOTAL PARRY SLOUGH 6134 12 9 1 54 SWIFT CURRENT (468)
PARRY-STRIKE CYVIN 5258 7 6 1 36 FA CHING (388)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.
The overall popularity leader is LUMMOX 6092. The most popular warrior this turn was
NEWCASTLE 6669. The ten other most popular fighters were SUPERNOVA 6239, QUICKSAND
6554, WHITE RAVEN 6484, BRAK 94, CYVIN 5258, THE-SHOCKER 6824, BLOODY HELL 6821,
TALON 6736, DREK 836, and ROSENCRANTZ 6786.
The least popular fighter this week was MARBURY 4499. The other ten least popular
fighters were MISTRESS BOMBTRONIC 6617, TYPHOON XXII 6827, XXX 6975, FREEP 6812, THE
BRICK 6342, DIRT 6993, HERROL 6694, ANGRY SANTA 6828, PIP THE TROLL 6942, and PIKEL
5808.
The following warriors will travel to ADVANCED DUELMASTERS after next turn:
BLACK CAT (60-6268) SHADOW SIGNS (491)
The following warriors have traveled to ADVANCED DUELMASTERS after fighting this turn:
THE LIMELIGHT (60-6104) CLUB CULTURE (424)
MAIL-IN TOURNEY XXXII
GATEWAY TOURNEY W L K TEAM NAME
FERNDOK 607 (192-112-55) 11 3 0 UNDERDOGS
LI'L PEPPER 2245 (110-107-3) 1 4 0 JOKA MASHER
SORE EYE 2308 (120-116-1) 1 4 0 JOKA MASHER
LUCKY SAVAGE 352 (59-78-3) 0 5 0 WIMPS OF DEATH
YUCKY 4792 (33-34-2) 0 5 0 BLOOD RELATED
PRIMUS TOURNEY W L K TEAM NAME
SUG 2336 (142-65-0) 9 3 0 HIGH FLIERS
WIDOWMAKER XII 1803 (144-72-6) 6 3 0 DEATH STUDS IV
ABT 2950 (120-60-2) 5 3 0 HIGH FLIERS
LIMEY 983 (209-65-2) 5 3 0 SAILS OF CHARON
ODIN LXXIV 3678 (60-48-0) 1 4 0 DEATH STUDS VII
RED HOOK 1596 (140-103-4) 1 4 0 EYE OF THE NEEDLE
ELIGIBLES TOURNEY W L K TEAM NAME
SERRA ANGEL 2584 (27-24-1) 6 3 0 MAGICK
SLANT EDISON 2598 (48-19-1) 4 3 0 MY ROCK BAND
EARTHQUAKE 1468 (105-65-1) 1 3 0 NATURAL DISASTERS
POOF 349 (75-72-3) 1 3 0 WIMPS OF DEATH
ADM TOURNEY W L K TEAM NAME
SCRYB SPRITE 4003 (57-55-0) 7 3 0 MAGICK
PIVOT 4811 (23-12-1) 6 3 0 THIEVES GUILD
EMERALD DRAGONFLY 2586 (62-59-2) 5 3 0 MAGICK
50 SUCKS 4129 (53-31-0) 4 3 0 JOKA MASHER!
WETBOX 5229 (17-9-1) 4 3 0 BOXES
VICTOR CALDERONE 5223 (14-10-0) 2 3 1 CLUB CULTURE
GREASESPOT 5964 (23-30-0) 1 2 0 BUMS 'R' US
BUDDERCUP 5967 (28-25-0) 1 3 0 BUMS 'R' US
BLUE MEANIE 4814 (32-17-0) 0 2 0 THIEVES GUILD
MASHER 4553 (34-34-3) 0 2 0 JOKA MASHER!
FRESHMEN TOURNEY W L K TEAM NAME
MR. SMITH 5207 (17-8-1) 4 3 0 THIEVES GUILD
PUTZ'N ALONG 5437 (25-19-0) 3 3 0 JOKA MASHER!
BIGGLES 6032 (17-29-0) 2 3 0 BUMS 'R' US
PLA Y. TEX 5662 (21-22-1) 0 2 0 BLOOD RELATED
CHAMPIONS TOURNEY W L K TEAM NAME
INSURRECTION 5607 (5-8-0) 6 3 0 BLADES OF DESTINY
MICHAEL J'EH FOX 5263 (16-11-1) 6 3 0 INGRATE WHITE NORTH
LIONEL HUTZ 6469 (7-1-0) 5 3 0 SPRINGFIELD XI
STALIN 3731 (10-1-0) 4 3 0 DIC TATORS
JACARANDA 6129 (10-5-0) 3 3 0 WINTERHOLM
LLLENGEANCE 5864 (11-4-2) 3 3 0 LUROCIANS VI
THE SPOTLIGHT 6329 (14-13-1) 3 3 0 CLUB CULTURE
THUNDRA 5122 (14-12-1) 3 3 0 FA CHING
ACUTE 6048 (9-5-0) 2 3 0 THIEVES GUILD
BEEROPOLY 5374 (14-12-1) 2 3 0 INGRATE WHITE NORTH
HEADROCK 3430 (13-14-0) 1 3 0 OGRES ARE US
O'RIORDAN 6128 (6-10-0) 1 3 0 WINTERHOLM
THE LIMELIGHT 6104 (24-13-0) 1 3 0 CLUB CULTURE
ATOG 4970 (11-4-0) 0 2 0 MAGICK
LLOSMIC LLAMMER 5684 (12-9-1) 0 2 0 LUROCIANS VI
TOO ICKY 5937 (12-8-0) 0 2 0 BLOOD RELATED
ADEPTS TOURNEY W L K TEAM NAME
WINKER X 6470 (8-7-0) 9 1 0 4000 BLOWS
GENEVIEVE 6576 (8-3-0) 8 2 0 REDLANDS PELETON
KOBE 4497 (7-4-0) 5 3 0 DEAD LOCK-OUT
NOODLES 6247 (0-0-0) 5 3 0 RED AVENGERS
SPIT 6435 (2-1-0) 5 3 0 METAL MELTDOWN
PREJUDICE 5644 (10-8-0) 4 3 0 DEAD LEGALESE
RIFF 6452 (9-5-1) 4 3 0 SWIFT CURRENT
SYRINGE 6003 (12-5-0) 4 3 0 BLOOD RELATED
THE AYL'M'ER 6056 (8-11-0) 4 3 0 4000 BLOWS
BLUE BEANIE 6461 (6-6-1) 3 3 0 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2
SMIRLIN 6568 (7-8-0) 3 3 0 OGRES ARE US
LLUGS AND LLISSES 5887 (6-5-1) 2 3 0 LUROCIANS VI
KIK-BUTO 6396 (9-5-0) 1 3 0 KUNGFOOLERY
KILWICK 6130 (9-9-0) 1 3 0 WINTERHOLM
LACHES 5642 (8-10-0) 1 3 0 LEGALESE
MARBURY 4499 (9-3-0) 1 3 0 LOCK-OUT
THE BRICK 6342 (4-0-0) 1 3 0 HIT ME WITH...
GAZREKK 6438 (7-5-1) 0 2 0 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2
KAPRIKORN 6151 (10-6-1) 0 2 0 WINTERHOLM
KUNG POW KICKIN' 6571 (5-5-1) 0 2 0 KUNGFOOLERY
LLUCKY DAY 6021 (3-1-0) 0 2 0 LUROCIANS VI
INITIATES TOURNEY W L K TEAM NAME
QUICKSAND 6554 (8-4-1) 6 3 0 NATURAL DISASTERS
SCABBY 6514 (7-6-0) 6 3 0 BLOOD RELATED
TRIPLICATE THUNDER 6616 (5-5-0) 6 3 0 WILD CARDS
KABOOM 6248 (0-0-0) 5 3 0 RED AVENGERS
LLUPERIOR LLORCES 5956 (2-2-0) 5 3 0 LUROCIANS VI
OBITER DICTA 5860 (6-5-1) 4 3 0 LEGALESE
SIR ZESTALOT 6557 (9-2-0) 4 3 0 4000 BLOWS
TOGS STINKER 6588 (4-2-0) 3 3 0 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2
WHITE RAVEN 6484 (9-4-1) 3 3 0 SHADOW SIGNS
SILK 6632 (3-2-0) 2 3 1 KUNGFOOLERY
TYVINREK 6513 (4-2-0) 2 3 0 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2
UNUSUAL VIOLENCE 6595 (5-1-0) 1 2 0 DEAD R.J.G.
CANTWELL 6664 (5-2-2) 1 3 0 DEAD POWER BROKERS
GREEDYGUT 6371 (6-3-0) 1 3 0 WINTERHOLM
CYVIN 5258 (6-4-1) 0 2 0 FA CHING
SYDA HAMMIE 6667 (6-2-0) 0 2 0 OGRES ARE US
APPRENTICES TOURNEY W L K TEAM NAME
NEWCASTLE 6669 (4-3-3) 9 1 0 BEERBARIANS
HELMS 6660 (5-2-2) 5 3 1 POWER BROKERS
HERROL 6694 (3-1-0) 5 3 0 WING HOVE
MC CAIN 6662 (6-1-0) 5 3 0 POWER BROKERS
FRUB 6794 (3-1-0) 4 3 0 WIMPS OF DEATH
KARATE WRECKER 6693 (0-6-0) 4 3 0 THIEVES GUILD
RIP RAP 6599 (5-2-0) 4 3 0 SWIFT CURRENT
SOMFMA 6797 (3-1-0) 4 3 0 OGRES ARE US
ZERBERT 6243 (0-0-0) 4 3 0 RED AVENGERS
GOLDFISH 6718 (4-2-0) 3 3 0 SHADOW SIGNS
GOURMET GRUEL 6730 (2-3-0) 3 3 0 R.J.G.
BUSH 6663 (4-3-1) 2 3 0 POWER BROKERS
GUILDENSTERN 6785 (2-2-1) 2 3 0 BLACK FRIARS
TOGS LOSER 6619 (1-3-0) 2 3 0 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2
VORPAL BUNNY 6731 (2-3-0) 2 3 0 R.J.G.
BLOODLUST SHOCKER 6715 (1-1-1) 1 2 0 DEAD BLOOD RELATED
JAMIS 6735 (2-1-1) 1 3 0 WING HOVE
TALON 6736 (2-1-0) 1 3 1 WING HOVE
TAY STARLE 6808 (0-2-0) 1 3 0 WING HOVE
BARON 6765 (3-2-0) 0 2 0 LOCK-OUT
CUZUNT 5823 (0-0-0) 0 2 0 UNKNOWNS VIII
LEBRON 6767 (4-1-0) 0 2 0 DEAD LOCK-OUT
ROSENCRANTZ 6786 (1-3-0) 0 2 0 BLACK FRIARS
SLIPKNOT 6674 (0-7-0) 0 2 0 THIEVES GUILD
SUPERNOVA 6239 (0-0-0) 0 2 0 RED AVENGERS
T-MAC 6806 (1-3-0) 0 2 0 LOCK-OUT
NOVICES TOURNEY W L K TEAM NAME
SLACKJAW 6750 (2-0-0) 10 2 0 I'M WITH STUPID
PIPSQUEAK 6810 (3-0-0) 7 3 0 WIMPS OF DEATH
TWO IN THE GOO 6826 (0-1-0) 7 3 0 DEATH STUDS VII
DICHABOD 6912 (0-2-0) 6 3 0 THIEVES GUILD
NUMSKULL 6751 (0-2-0) 6 3 0 I'M WITH STUPID
DUSTSTORM 6814 (0-2-0) 5 3 0 NATURAL DISASTERS
SANDSTORM 6813 (1-1-0) 5 3 0 NATURAL DISASTERS
4-FT PARTY BONG 6908 (1-0-0) 4 3 0 MY BEST BUDS 2
FREEP 6812 (3-0-0) 4 3 0 WIMPS OF DEATH
ARKHAM 6832 (1-0-0) 3 3 0 INNSMOUTH BROOD
DUNWICH 6833 (0-1-0) 3 3 0 INNSMOUTH BROOD
MAUI WOWIE! 6907 (1-0-0) 3 3 0 MY BEST BUDS 2
TYPHOON XXII 6827 (1-0-0) 3 3 0 DEATH STUDS VII
SON OF BLOODLUST 6823 (2-1-0) 2 3 0 4000 BLOWS
NECROMANCER XLVII 6825 (0-1-0) 1 3 0 DEATH STUDS VII
SNIRP 6858 (0-2-0) 1 3 0 WIMPS OF DEATH
ANGRY SANTA 6828 (1-0-0) 0 2 0 DEATH STUDS VII
BLOODY HELL 6821 (2-1-0) 0 2 0 BLOOD RELATED
BUPKES 6859 (2-0-0) 0 1 0 DEAD WIMPS OF DEATH
CYCLONE 6816 (1-1-0) 0 2 0 NATURAL DISASTERS
DUMB 6749 (2-0-0) 0 1 0 DEAD I'M WITH STUPID
HENRY IV 6899 (1-1-0) 0 2 0 BLACK FRIARS
HOSCHA 6835 (1-1-0) 0 2 0 OGRES ARE US
HURRICANE 6815 (2-0-0) 0 1 0 DEAD NATURAL DISASTERS
POT POURRI 6911 (0-1-0) 0 2 0 MY BEST BUDS 2
SUBROGATION 6850 (0-2-0) 0 2 0 LEGALESE
THE-SHOCKER 6824 (1-0-0) 0 2 0 DEATH STUDS VII
ZANN 6830 (1-1-0) 0 2 0 INNSMOUTH BROOD
ROOKIES TOURNEY W L K TEAM NAME
ANGRY SUE 6955 (0-0-0) 5 3 0 RED AVENGERS
MR. NEGATIVITY 6764 (0-0-0) 5 3 0 5 BELOW ZERO
INDOLENT 6778 (0-0-0) 4 3 0 SADISTS
WURL POOLE 6799 (0-0-0) 4 3 0 SWIFT CURRENT
HANGMAN 6761 (0-0-0) 3 3 0 5 BELOW ZERO
IMALITTLESLUGGISH 6777 (0-0-0) 3 3 0 SADISTS
HELL MARY 6760 (0-0-0) 2 3 0 5 BELOW ZERO
SACROSANCT 6779 (0-0-0) 2 3 0 SADISTS
STRANGLEMEELMO 6762 (0-0-0) 2 3 0 5 BELOW ZERO
TRUST FUND BABY 6951 (0-0-0) 2 3 0 BUMS 'R' US
DERRIN 6952 (0-0-0) 0 2 0 WING HOVE
RICHARD II 6948 (0-0-0) 0 2 0 BLACK FRIARS
SON OF MANUTE BOL 6941 (0-0-0) 0 2 0 4000 BLOWS
STEEL DRAGON 6651 (0-0-0) 0 2 0 DRAGON JUNKIES F.X.
UNERRING 6780 (0-0-0) 0 2 0 SADISTS
URG THE UNCLEAN 6954 (0-0-0) 0 2 0 BLACK FRIARS
DEAD CHAMPIONS TOURNEY W L K TEAM NAME
CHIP 4413 (5-4-0) 9 1 0 RESCUE RANGERS
RATTLESNAKE SHAKE 4242 (18-12-0) 8 2 0 METAL MELTDOWN
ASTEROID 4587 (9-7-0) 4 2 0 DEAD NATURAL DISASTERS
HENRIETTA 4627 (13-9-0) 4 3 0 UNDERDOGS
BULUMUZ 1763 (14-8-0) 2 3 0 THE POWERS THAT BE
TWERP 1737 (9-11-0) 2 3 0 WIMPS OF DEATH
TRANSFUSION 4793 (8-7-0) 1 3 0 BLOOD RELATED
DAYTREADER 6082 (15-14-0) 0 2 0 BUMS 'R' US
GAZRIK 6004 (8-2-1) 0 2 0 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2
GUINNESS 5969 (7-6-0) 0 2 0 BUMS 'R' US
DEAD ADEPTS TOURNEY W L K TEAM NAME
LIGHTNING IX 4866 (8-4-2) 8 2 0 DEATH STUDS VII
PAM'EHLA ANDERSON 5844 (1-4-0) 8 2 0 INGRATE WHITE NORTH
GAZRIK'S GHOST 6172 (5-5-0) 5 3 0 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2
LAZY EYE 6564 (5-8-0) 5 3 0 BUMS 'R' US
BAMBOOZLE 6519 (6-4-0) 1 3 0 WIMPS OF DEATH
DEATHSTUD 5859 (6-1-0) 0 2 0 DEAD DWARVEN HEROES
GELRIS 5384 (6-4-0) 0 2 0 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2
WADA MATTA U 3302 (1-5-0) 0 2 0 JOKA MASHER!
DEAD INITIATES TOURNEY W L K TEAM NAME
LAMPSONIUS 875 (1-2-0) 7 3 0 4000 BLOWS
RAVEN 6266 (0-0-0) 4 3 0 SHADOW SIGNS
HEARSAY 5643 (0-3-0) 3 3 0 LEGALESE
HOWDY DOODY 2636 (1-4-0) 2 3 1 CRAZY CREEPS
ZENAR 5871 (3-4-0) 2 3 0 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2
THE HAITI KID 6168 (0-0-0) 1 2 0 DEAD DWARVEN HEROES
JE NE SAIS QUOI 5916 (0-1-0) 1 3 1 JOKA MASHER!
TEAL'Q 6896 (0-0-0) 1 3 0 INQUISITION SG-1
THUNDER STORM 4864 (2-1-1) 0 2 0 NATURAL DISASTERS
DEAD APPRENTICES TOURNEY W L K TEAM NAME
EDDIE THE ECHO 3770 (2-2-1) 11 2 1 DEATH STUDS VII
CEPL 6666 (2-3-0) 9 2 0 OGRES ARE US
PRONOUN 6819 (0-2-0) 5 3 0 RED AVENGERS
BLOODY LIP 6050 (2-3-0) 4 3 0 BLOOD RELATED
IGNER AMUS 6454 (0-2-0) 4 3 0 R.J.G.
ERRING RIFT 6697 (1-3-0) 2 3 0 WING HOVE
710 SPLIT 6456 (1-1-0) 0 2 0 R.J.G.
ICHORBLACK 6394 (3-1-1) 0 2 0 KUNGFOOLERY