Date   : 01/02/2004    Duedate: 01/15/2004


DM-60    TURN-328

This Weeks Top Honors


(60-5684) [16-10-1,123]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

BLACKBURST                     THE BRICK
FA CHING (388)                 HIT ME WITH... (503)
(60-5025) [13-12-0,141]        (60-6342) [7-2-0,74]

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

NAPPY DUGOUT                   BLOODY HELL
WILD CARDS (148)               BLOOD RELATED (395)
(60-6080) [12-15-0,51]         (60-6821) [2-6-0,15]


4000 BLOWS (107)

Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. HIT ME WITH... (503)        48
2. FA CHING (388)              40      POWER BROKERS (527)
3. SHADOW SIGNS (491)          36      Unchartered Team
4. MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)        35
5. WING HOVE (529)             33      THIRSTY THUGS (543)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 1*THIRSTY THUGS (543)        2   0  0  100   1/ 2 4000 BLOWS (107)         12  3 0
 2/ 2*5 BELOW ZERO (532)         7   3  1 70.0   2/ 5 FA CHING (388)           11  4 0
 3/ 3 POWER BROKERS (527)       37  22  6 62.7   3/13 LUROCIANS VI (431)       11  4 0
 4/ 4 RED AVENGERS (487)        18  12  0 60.0   4/ 4 RED AVENGERS (487)       11  4 0
 5/ 8*WING HOVE (529)           23  17  3 57.5   5/ 3 OGRES ARE US (270)       10  5 0
 6/ 5*I'M WITH STUPID (531)     20  15  1 57.1   6/ 1*I'M WITH STUPID (531)     9  6 1
 7/ 6 LUROCIANS VI (431)        89  68  6 56.7   7/ 9 DEATH STUDS VII (301)     9  6 0
 8/ 7 LOCK-OUT (368)            37  30  1 55.2   8/14 R.J.G. (475)              9  6 0
 9/ 9 SWIFT CURRENT (468)       84  74  7 53.2   9/ 7*WING HOVE (529)           8  2 2
10/10 WIMPS OF DEATH (66)      514 457 30 52.9  10/32*HIT ME WITH... (503)      8  6 0
11/11 NATURAL DISASTERS (159)  560 504 19 52.6  11/10 LOCK-OUT (368)            8  7 1
12/12 WILD CARDS (148)         680 624 25 52.1  12/17*LOSERS (544)              8  7 0
13/13 DEATH STUDS VII (301)    306 284  8 51.9  13/24 WILD CARDS (148)          8  7 0
14/16 SHADOW SIGNS (491)        62  59  1 51.2  14/11 THIEVES GUILD (396)       8  7 0
15/14 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 140 136 12 50.7  15/15 SHADOW SIGNS (491)        8  7 0
16/15 BLOOD RELATED (395)      132 130  4 50.4  16/30*5 BELOW ZERO (532)        7  3 1
17-18 CLUB CULTURE (424)       136 136  7 50.0  17/19 THE UNDERWORLD (15)       7  8 0
18/31*HIT ME WITH... (503)      12  12  0 50.0  18/31*INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)     6  4 1

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
19/17 THE UNDERWORLD (15)       48  50  4 49.0  19/29 BLACK FRIARS (521)        6  7 0
20/21 OGRES ARE US (270)       132 140  2 48.5  20/20*DARQUE AGES (536)         6  8 2
21/24*DARQUE AGES (536)         11  12  3 47.8  21/ 8 LEGALESE (449)            6  9 0
22/20*INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)     11  12  2 47.8  22/ 6 BLOOD RELATED (395)       6  9 0
23-22 METAL MELTDOWN (344)     269 294 21 47.8  23/12 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430)  6  9 0
24/23 THIEVES GUILD (396)      113 126  5 47.3  24/18 WIMPS OF DEATH (66)       6  9 0
25/25 4000 BLOWS (107)         541 609 26 47.0  25/26 SWIFT CURRENT (468)       5  8 1
26/27 FA CHING (388)            85  97  3 46.7  26/16 THE UPSTARTS III (510)    5 10 1
27-26 RESCUE RANGERS (362)       7   8  0 46.7  27/22 POWER BROKERS (527)       5 10 1
28/29 BUMS 'R' US (465)        117 143  0 45.0  28/36*FACES OF ETERNITY (539)   5 10 1
29/ 0 ARADI'S DEAD (393)       105 131  5 44.5  29/27*MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      5 10 1
30/28*LOSERS (544)              11  14  0 44.0  30/23 NATURAL DISASTERS (159)   5 10 0
31/30 LEGALESE (449)            51  66  3 43.6  31/21 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)    4 11 1
32/33 JOKA MASHER! (283)       151 213  6 41.5  32/28 RED DOG GANG (476)        4 11 0
33/36 BEERBARIANS (528)         11  16  3 40.7  33/37 FIVE SPHERES (462)        4 11 0
34/35 R.J.G. (475)              61  91  1 40.1  34-25 CLUB CULTURE (424)        2  0 0
35/32 THE UPSTARTS III (510)    22  33  3 40.0  35/40*THIRSTY THUGS (543)       2  0 0
36/34*MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      12  18  1 40.0  36/39 BEERBARIANS (528)         2  1 0
37/38 BLACK FRIARS (521)        28  45  3 38.4  37/41 BUMS 'R' US (465)         2  1 0
38/39 RED DOG GANG (476)       218 372  3 36.9  38-34 METAL MELTDOWN (344)      2  4 0
39/37 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)    56  96  2 36.8  39-38*BATTLEFIELD GIRTH (504)   1  1 0
40/40 FIVE SPHERES (462)        16  29  1 35.6  40/ 0 ARADI'S DEAD (393)        1  2 1
41-41*BATTLEFIELD GIRTH (504)    4   8  0 33.3  41/42 JOKA MASHER! (283)        1  4 0
42/43*FACES OF ETERNITY (539)    9  21  1 30.0  42-35*MINATOUR KINGS (379)      0  4 0
43-42*MINATOUR KINGS (379)       6  14  0 30.0  43-43*PLAGUE BEARER (545)       0  4 0
44-44*PLAGUE BEARER (545)        0   9  0  0.0  44-44 RESCUE RANGERS (362)      0  1 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                    TEAM SPOTLIGHT

                     + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
           TOGS Wars: Chapter Eighty Nine Thousand Two Hundred Sixty Five
                                A TOGS Hope (Part 4)

Inside Farmer's boB Cantina:

     Following Ashe Master Darque, Rillion walked over to the table in the corner
carrying the bottle of Skky.  Seated at the table was a scruffy looking rogue and a
large toad toady.  Ashe Master sat down and motioned for Rillion to do the same.  The
scruffy rogue sized up Rillion, then turned to Ashe Master, "Whose the Skky walker?"
     Ashe Master made the introductions, "This is my new apprentice, Rillion
VodkaDrinker.  And Rillion, this is our ship captain, The Greek Guy and his first
mate, Tigtoad.  The Greek Guy here says his ship is the fastest in northern Alastari.
He should be able to get us down to the mainland quickly and hopefully avoid
     The Greek Guy leaned back and said, "Well, that's the big issue isn't it?
Avoiding the FONZ is going to cost you.  I will need a thousand gold, all in
     "What?!?  That's robbery!  We could buy our own ship for that much!" exclaimed
Rillion after finishing a shot of the Skky.
     "And who would sail it, you, kid?" said The Greek Guy as Tigtoad made horrid
half ribbit, half laughing noises.
     Ashe Master slid a large pouch of gold across the table to The Greek Guy.  "Here
is five hundred gold.  You will get the rest when we get to the port of Ti."
     The Greek guy quickly pocketed the pouch.  "Tigtoad, show take these two and
their duck to the ship.  I'll settle our bar tab and meet you there."  Tigtoad nodded
his bulbous head and leapt off followed by Rillion VodkaDrinker and Ashe Master.
     Just as The Greek Guy finished his drink and was starting to stand up, a large
mucousy creature sat down at the table across from The Greek Guy.  The Greek Guy sat
back down, "Snotman, I was just going to go see your boss Soultaker and pay him the
money I owe."
     Snot bubbles bubbled from Snotman's mouth as he laughed, "You are too late for
that.  But perhaps if you give me the money, I will forget I found you.  That gold
will buy a lot of roll-ups and ever since I got married I haven't been able to buy
     The Greek Guy leaned back and pulled out the pouch of gold, putting it on the
table.  Snotman greedily eyed the gold, not watching The Greek Guy closely.  The
Greek Guy's hand was busy under the table...(okay I just wanted to leave that line
hanging there for a moment)...reaching into his pocket and pulling out of can of
nasal decongestant.  As Snotman reached for the pouch of gold, The Greek Guy sprayed
him with the decongestant.  As the spray started to dissolve the mucousy creature, he
let out a horrid cry, "I'm melting!".  The Greek Guy stuffed the pouch into his pants
and hurriedly left the Cantina, tossing a few coins to the bartender on his way out.
     He quickly made his way to the docks where he found Tigtoad, Ashe Master Darque
and Rillion VodkaDrinker waiting on his ship, The Centennial Swallow.  The four
quickly got the small but fast ship under sail just as several FONZTroopers rushed to
the docks after hearing about the multiple deaths at Farmer boB's Cantina.
Unfortunately for them, they were too late as the Centennial Swallow sailed out of
the harbor and begun its voyage to Ti.

        + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Lurocians Reloaded Part V ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Sandeous pulled a small vial out of her pocket.  It contained a glowing blue
liquid.  She walked towards me and handed me the vial.
     "What's it do?" I asked.
     "It opens your mind to new possibilities," she replied.
     I was not sure what to think, but curiosity got the better of me.  I took the 
vial and sat down in a chair. I opened it and smelled it.  It had a strangely sweet
smell not at all unpleasant.  "Well, here's to new possibilities," I said as I lifted
the vial to my mouth.
     The liquid was warm as it flowed down my throat.  The taste was rather neutral,
almost like drinking colored water.  At first I felt nothing.  Then I started to feel
a warmth in my stomach.  The warmth started to flow to other parts of my body.  First
my legs felt warm and then the sensation moved up my chest to my head and down to the
ends of my fingers.  I started to feel a little light headed and leaned back in my
chair.  The room started to spin and the last thing I heard was Sandeous saying, "Do
you have him?"
     I awoke coughing and spitting.  I was in some strange tube.  My whole body was
aching.  I was no longer in the room with Sandeous.  The glass door in front of me
slid open and I pitched forward to the cold ground.  I struggled to look around and
could see that the room was full of tubes just like mine.  I saw closed eyes in every
tube.  Each one had a strange cable coming out of it and blue lightning was shooting
from the top of the ceiling where all the cables attached.  I heard shout coming my
way and I saw Sandeous, Capn K and Grasinity running into the room.  Everything faded
to black as they lifted me up.  The three ran out the door dragging me behind.  I
awoke lying on a cold table.  Grasinity was standing over me with a concerned look on
her face.
     "Where am I?" I asked.
     "Rest now.  They'll be plenty of time to answer that later," she said.
     My neck was is agony.  I reached back and could feel a hole with something stuck
in my neck.
     "What the hell is that?" I said as I jumped up with a start.
     "It's a conduit to your mind," she said.  "We all have them," she said as she
turned around showing me a black device attached to her neck.  "Sandeous will explain
it all in a moment.  She's on her way now," she said.
     I slumped back down on the table.  It was only a matter of moments before I
heard the door open and saw Sandeous standing before me.
     "I have a story to tell you, one that you might find hard to believe but one
that you must hear nonetheless," she said.  "The world you live in is not real," she
said as she paused for a moment to let that sink in.  "In fact, it is not even the
year you think it is.  In your world the year is unknown.  You live and die and the
seasons change.  In reality the year is 2130 AD.  I know this number means nothing to
you.  Let's just say you are living in a time that is roughly 2000 years in the past.
Man has made great strides in that time.  We have machines that you can't even
conceive of.  Your whole world is controlled by a group of living machines.  In your
future, machines are given the ability to think and do things on their own," she
     As I heard the words, somehow it rang true in my ears, even though nothing that
was being said made any sense to me.
     "You live in what we call Alastari.  A fictional world where your mind exists.
The whole world is based on numbers.  All the people you have ever met or ever known
are just a series of numbers randomly generated by the machines.  Let me explain how
your world works," she said.

To be continued

          + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ TOGS 4 Turn 4 Results ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

WARRIOR:                         WARRIOR:            WINNER:  PNTS:
SLIPKNOT    won victory over     ROSENCRANTZ         TEAM 1   10
4-FT PARTY BONG  was overpowered by  KARATE WRECKER  TEAM 1    7
GRAFFIX     was subdued by       DICHABOD            TEAM 1    7
SYRINGE     defeated             SIRIUS              TEAM 1    4
RIFF        was overpowered by   TOO ICKY            TEAM 1    4
ACUTE       won victory over     THE AYL'M'ER        TEAM 1    7
   TOTAL:   39

TYPHOON XXII    subdued          VICIOUS RUMOR       TEAM 2   10
TWO IN THE GOO  handily defeated  PIKEL              TEAM 2   10
INSANITY    was handily defeated by  CYCLONE         TEAM 2    7
DUNWICH     was vanquished by    SANDSTORM           TEAM 2    7
   TOTAL:   34

SHARP STICK  luckily beat        HELMS               TEAM 3   10
LANCELOT    was devastated by    NUMSKULL            TEAM 3    7
WHITE RAVEN  handily defeated    MC CAIN             TEAM 3   10
XXX         outlasted            QUETZACOATYL        TEAM 3   10
BING        savagely defeated    FLICKED BOOGERS     TEAM 3    7
BONG        outlasted            MAIMONIDES          TEAM 3    7
   TOTAL:   51

TWICKLEBUM  demolished           GANOLOSER           TEAM 4   10
LACHES      unbelievably bested  RIP RAP             TEAM 4    4
TYVINREK    was overpowered by   PIPSQUEAK           TEAM 4    7
WATER       was handily defeated by  NAMBY PAMBY     TEAM 4    7
S.L.A.P.P.  overpowered          TOSSED SALAD        TEAM 4    7
   TOTAL:   35

MAUI WOWIE!  viciously butchered  POWER TEMP         TEAM 6   10
BLOODY HELL  was overcome by      IKER               TEAM 6    7
   TOTAL:   17

WINKER X     overcame             HEADROCK           TEAM 7   10
WIND         vanquished           MARBURY            TEAM 7   10
SON OF BLOODLUST  subdued         MARDUK             TEAM 7   10
THOMPSON     was viciously subdued by  ASSHE-MASTER  TEAM 7    7
LUMMOX       was overpowered by   SIR ZESTALOT       TEAM 7    4
   TOTAL:   41

ANGRY SUE    was handily defeated by   BARON          TEAM 8    7
WEED 4 MOM   defeated             TRUSTWORTHY SCRIBE  TEAM 8    4
   TOTAL:   11

SOMFMA       viciously subdued     FRUB               TEAM 9   10
FLORIN FALCONHAND  savagely defeated  VORPAL BUNNY    TEAM 9   10
WILDFIRE     was savagely defeated by  HOSCHA         TEAM 9    7
SMIRLIN      savagely defeated   ANDROGENOUS STRAIN   TEAM 9    7
SPONGEBOB    was overpowered by  SYDA HAMMIE          TEAM 9    7
   TOTAL:   41

GUMMI GHOUL  handily defeated    DEMURRER             TEAM 10  10
BUSH         was overpowered by  LORD OF THE O RINGS  TEAM 10   7
   TOTAL:   21

IVAN         was vanquished by   GAZREKK              TEAM 11   7
LLOSMIC LLAMMER  savagely defeated  BLACK CAT         TEAM 11  10
AVIENDHA     was subdued by      LLLENGEANCE          TEAM 11   7
LLUGS AND LLISSES  luckily beat  OBITER DICTA         TEAM 11  10
LLUPERIOR LLORCES  vanquished    T-MAC                TEAM 11   7
SUPERNOVA    was luckily beaten by  LLUCKY DAY        TEAM 11   7
NECROMANCER XLVII  was outwaited by  TOGS STINKER     TEAM 11   7
ZYLLEIX'S SHADE  was unbelievably bested by  TOGS LOSER  TEAM 11  7
BLUE BEANIE  vanquished            GOURMET GRUEL      TEAM 11   7
   TOTAL:   69

VOID         was overpowered by  ANASTASIUS           TEAM 12   7
IAGO         was vanquished by   HAMMURABI            TEAM 12   7
   TOTAL:   14

INNOCENT     was overpowered by  SCRAG                TEAM 13   7
VIKEN        vanquished          THE-SHOCKER          TEAM 13  10
MISTRESS BOMBTRONIC  was overpowered by  THE BRICK    TEAM 13   7
BLOODY MESS  lost to             THE FRENCH           TEAM 13   7
   TOTAL:   31

QUICKSAND    was devastated by   BLACKBURST           TEAM 14   7
NOODLES      beat                MURRAY               TEAM 14  10
CYVIN        savagely defeated   FREEP                TEAM 14  10
ZERBERT      luckily beat        MR OBLIVIOUS         TEAM 14  10
CHIP         was beaten by       THUNDRA              TEAM 14   4
KABOOM       devastated          NAPPY DUGOUT         TEAM 14  7
   TOTAL:   48

ANGRY SANTA  was savagely defeated by  GUILDENSTERN   TEAM 15   7
HENRY IV     overpowered         WURL POOLE           TEAM 15   7
   TOTAL:   14

T327 TOGS totals
TOTAL           Turn 4  Turn 4  Turn 4  Turn 4  Turn 4
TEAM POINTS     Fights   Spots     Ads  Avoids  DM
TEAM 3             225      51      10
TEAM 14            211      48       5
TEAM 11            207      69       5      -5      10
TEAM 1             184      39      10
TEAM 8             183      11      10      -5
TEAM 2             179      34      10
TEAM 4             176      35      10
TEAM 7             171      41      10
TEAM 9             171      41      10
TEAM 6             152      17      10
TEAM 10            149      21      10
TEAM 15            129      14       5      -5
TEAM 12            110      14       5      -5
TEAM 13             79      31       5
TEAM 5              30                     -10

And those are the standings after turn 4.  Not a lot of points separate Teams 3, 14,
and 11 who are in 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place respectively.  Congrats are in order (I
think) for Team 11, Rilly and TGG, for going 9-1 and having a 79 point turn in spite
of Rilly not writing anything in turn 4.  Not only does this earn them 1 gift
certificate each, but it has also catapulted them from 7th place to 3rd.  Yukon and
Shadowgate have moved from 2nd to 1st, congrats guys!  And probably the losers of the
week award would go to Elephant and Indimar of Team 8, or more specifically, just
Indimar, who by not fighting in turn 4 dropped Team 8 from 1st place to 5th place.
Tough luck, guys!  Never send a fax machine to do a manager's job.  Happy Holidays,
everyone!  See ya'll next year!

Ganolus Oakleaf

	    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ THE EDUCATION CONTINUES ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

* Chromie got an apron for Christmas
* A bell makes an MMMMMMM!!! sound
* There is nothing wrong with having a reputation as a wimp picker-oner
* Anti dresses like a nerd
* Spewing filth puts you on the same level as Junior Woodchucks
* There is only one FONZ non-alliance manual
* Judge wears lingerie under his robes
* Brian Boitano and Death Stud are close
* Cantwell was killed by one of Soultaker's
* Real warriors keep diaries
* Manager, with wizened face, drools out of the side of his mouth
* You can't kill every opponent you face
* Wimpy, Anti, and Ghoti are the prettiest managers
* Manalger's favorite story to his grandkids is how he long ago won at TOGS
* A lot of TOGS managers grew up on farms
* Soultaker was the only one to praise Guardian
* The only place as vicious as Aradi is Aruak City
* Yodlers are brainless
* Twits turn into daisies
* Death Stud owes Hombre a TC prize too
* They know
* Aradians are in fashion with scrod face jewel covers on their abdomens
* Death Stud doesn't take care of his pores anymore
* The whole idea of the TOGS is to win
* Inferno regularly hits on mailboxes
* Manalger has an ostentatious guildhouse
* Soultakes is also known as the White Wizard Of The Middle Trailer Park
* Kellumbo is a dirty, underhanded, downchallenger
* ACLUs moo
* Ganolus's brother works at Meeks
* Elephant has a reputation as a blow-hard
* Indimar was proud to die in Rillion's spot
* Soultaker has no problem answering to slut
* Be careful which way you face the Greek Guy
* Loose lips sink ships
* Davina has a secret sauce recipe
* People are likely to wax poetic during the holiday season
* Granolus would never come to blows with Scrag
* Genocide is just trying to bring a little ol' school flava back to Aradi
* Barnabas is the new force in Duelmasters
* Editor will only replace nouns and verbs


	+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Fellowship of the "O" Ring ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
		                     Part I, the first Part

     Deathfrodo Stud was just an innocent hobbit of the Scrodshire (the low hills to
the south of Aradi where the little folk dwelt was commonly called the Scrodshire)
when he happened to inherit the (unbeknownst to him) evil "O" ring from his adopted
uncle, the legendary Bossbo.  One day after Bossbo's 111th birthday (hobbits can live
to be very old), the old rascal had run off with the first hobbitess that would
listen to his theories on low-will slashers.  He did, however, leave his god-nephew
one very magical, and evil, "O" ring, the power of which, Deathfrodo Stud could only
begin to imagine.
     One day Deathfrodo's good friend, Nulndalf, the friendly neighborhood wandering
chaos wizard, who always walked around in grey platemail (he was often referred to as
Nulndalf the Grey) and was known to often sneak out the back door of whoever's house
he was visiting to go smoke his pipe (at least he always said).
     "Deathfrodoeth, do you haveth the "O" ring that your uncle Bossboeth left you?"
Nulndalf asked, his face taking on an urgency the young Stud had previously before
never seen.
     "Yes," Deathfrodo answered, not hesitating to answer truthfully, and walked
quickly over to a chest of Bossbo's willed items, and handed Nulndalf the parchment
envelope that contained the seemingly harmless "O" ring.
     Nulndalf grabbed the envelope without speaking, and rushed into the living room
of the hobbit hole.  The lanky wizard had to stoop to avoid crashing his noggin into
the molding of the ceiling.  Standing in front of the fireplace, Nulndalf flung the
envelope into the crackling fire.
     Deathfrodo gasped, clutching the wizards arm.  "Nulndalf!" the hobbit exclaimed,
looking on with fear and wonder.
     "Patienceth." Nulndalf said calmly.  "Watcheth!"
     Soon the envelope burned away, and Deathfrodo could see the "O" ring his uncle
had left him, its pink flesh glowing hot pink in the shifting flames.  Nulndalf
grabbed the pair of tongs from the fireside, and deftly plucked the "O" ring from the
flames, and asked Deathfrodo to put out his hand.
     "Don't worryeth, it won't hurt you, it's cold to the toucheth," Nulndalf assured
the hobbit, who timidly put out his hand.
     "AAAAAUUUUGHH!!!!" Deathfrodo screamed, as the smoke from his burning flesh of
his palm singed his eyes, and he dropped the "O" ring.
     "Oopseth."  Nulndalf grinned weakly from within his big chaos wizard cap (tm).
"I was thinking of that Tolkieneth book I read recently.  Yeah, that "O" ring
thereth's pretty scalding, carefuleth."
     Deathfrodo Stud looked up blackly at Nulndalf, but his anger quickly subsided.
Nulndalf again picked up the "O" ring and placed it on the wooden table, which began
     "Justeth as I thought.  Can you see the characterseth?"  Before their very eyes,
a red script appeared on the inside and outside of the "O" ring, in a language that
Deathfrodo did not recognize (but he could sense its evil).  Then Deathfrodo heard
Nulndalf begin to chant in a low tone, harsh consonants of a foreign tongue.  Then he
spoke again, this time in plain hobbiton, his voice solemn and quiet.
     "One "O" Ring to rule them all, One "O" Ring to find them,
      One "O" Ring to lead them on a stupid quest, and to their shoes, shine them."
     "Wow." Said Deathfrodo, mastering the art of understatement.  "I guess we gotta
destroy this thing, huh?"
     Nulndalf nodded sadly.  And so it was that Deathfrodo found himself at the
magical elf city of Scroddendell, about to embark on quite possibly the stupidest
quest of his young life.  With great uncertainty, he stared out at his eight
companions for this dangerous but stupid quest.
     Of course, there was Nulndalf the Grey, the old chaos wizard seeming to be in a
good mood as he puffed on his pipe.  No matter how ridiculous the chaos wizard looked
in his plate-mail, he always seemed to reassure Deathfrodo Stud somehow.
     Next were Ganolusippen & Hombrerry, two tow-headed hobbits from the Rio Vistan
area of the Scrodshire.  They seemed larger than most hobbits, wore the most stylish
street warmers around their calves, and usually managed to get into no end of
     Beside them stood Samwisetaker Gamgee, the faithful man-servant of Deathfrodo
Stud.  The old portly hobbit wore what was left of his hair in a pony-tail, and
attended to every minute detail that Deathfrodo desired.  If Deathfrodo wanted his
socks ironed, for instance, Samwisetaker would not hesitate to unfold his traveling
ironing table and get down to business then and there.
     Consulting with the wizard Nulndalf was the mysterious human, Snotagorn.  He was
a tracker from the north, and his chin was so square, it could be measured with a
protactor.  Dammit, there wasn't a bad thing you could say at all about Snotagorn,
damn it all.  Aside from the fact that he was dripping snot from every conceivable
pore of his disgusting, mucous-ridden form, of course.
     Standing apart from the rest stood the squat dwarf, Gim-Anti-Li, his disgusting
beard sprouting off in dreaded-locks from his chinny-chin.  Gim-Anti-Li was a
fearsome warrior with his double-bitted axe, but the party was reluctant to have him
along for the journey for the single fact that dwarves were legendary snorers.
     Across from the dwarf, lightly resting on one perfect elf leg, in light-blue
tights, was none-other than Barnabolas, an elf representative from the woods outside
of the delta.  He twirled his bow lightly, and seemed very confident in his ability
to shoot people dead with his arrows.
     And lastly, but not leastly was the hulking presence of Bororferno, the giant
prince from the Southern town of Beerdor (also known as the Golden City of Hops).  A
dark cloud seemed to hang over the menacing red-header, as if perhaps to foreshadow
his own imminent death, due at least partially for his relentless, alcohol-induced,
desire for the "O" ring (under the delusion that it would save his kingdom of Beerdor
from the Dark Manalger and his horde of DOA orcs he planned to unleash on the world
of men).  But these fore-shadowings didn't always work out as it seemed they might.
     Deathfrodo fingered the "O" ring that hung on a chain from his neck.  How stupid
would this quest to destroy the "O" ring be, he wondered silently.  Nulndalf and the
rest didn't seem too worried, but perhaps they were just trying to steel the young
Deathfrodo from the stark reality which awaited him.  The "O" Ring pulsated in
Deathfrodo's fingers, and a chill went down his spine.  He had just caught a blinding
image of Dark Manalger using the bathroom, and instantly he let go of the "O" ring.
It was time to destroy this evil "O" Ring!

		    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Blood Related ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

Aradi Resolutions...

Rude Buddha -- To learn some manners and lose some weight.  F' them punks that keep
               rubbing my tummy.  Get a rabbit's foot or something....
Mannequin -- I can't stop putting on the latest leggies and posing, statue style.
             Someone please help me!
Rage Man -- To not let my anger get the best of me.  Not that it REALLY gets the best
            of me.  Most the time it's just people pissing me off!  Matter of fact,
DeGotti -- To keep the TGG in front of us and not behind us. : )
Pip The Troll -- I vow to stop making pilgrimages to Barnabi's house.  I know I need
                 to get off the Scrod, man!  It just tastes soooo good when it hits
                 your lips!
Guardian -- This year, I'm gonna earn the respect I deserve!  (I know, cheap shot,
            it's all in fun, though.)
Onedawg -- I think I'm gonna change name this upcoming year so I no longer rhyme with
           Dreidenflag.  How embarrasing!
Master Darque -- To make them bastards in the Aradi Fashion Club finally accept me as
                 a member.  It's pronounced 'Dorkeeeey', damn it!
The Greek Guy -- To stay behind DeGotti, Greek Style!  And then pass everyone up at
                 the very end of this thing.  I know Rocky, that trick never works!
                 But this time, for sure!
Rillion -- To do ALL my spots and PA's for the rest of T#%S IV before I pick up the
           Absolute. : )
Anti -- DUDE!  Where's my car!?!
Snotman -- Where's your car, dude?
Ghoti -- I think I'll try to write about something other than people eating crap
         before I ask other manalgers to clean up what they're writing about.
Armalias -- I just need to remember, it's Forgotten Realms, not Forgotten Turns.
Elephant -- Next year, I'm gonna NOT piss anyone off.
Sir Indimar -- YAH RIGHT!  It's supposed to be something you wanna change about
               yourself, not some fairy tale!  My resolution is to get 'straight'
               with RSI...and learn to count to at least 32...and I also like what
               Pip said about getting off the Scrod...come to think of it, I don't
               want The Greek Guy behind ME either!  OH CRAP!!!!  Do I have to pick
               just ONE New Year's resolution!?!
Nuln -- Do you even have to asketh?  I vow to put down the bird and step away from
        the carriage.
Voyde -- Unless we do well in this TOGS, I will continue to keep my identity well
         hidden to all!
Dreidenflahg -- Jiggah what!?!  For this next year only, I will be known as 'John
Street Legal -- Does anyone know where I can score some of Barnabi's Scrod!?!
Jack Wolfspider -- I swear I'm not gonna give my money away frivolously next year and
                   enter contests I don't really plan to participate in.
CFH -- Ditto.
Wimpy -- Must...be...brave....
Judge -- Forget Rio Vista!  How 'bout Dixon!  I know animal stories are supposed to
         be out now, but real Rams is real Rams!
Shadowgate -- I'M NOT STUPID!!!!!
Yukon -- Yes he is.  Where do you think I got TWIT from?
Death Stud -- Next year, I will carry nobody!
Soultaker -- At some point next year, thanks to the Rogaine spell, Sandy will pull my
             pony tail once more!  This I swear!
Hombre -- To get the whole Ben Wa balls outta me...I mean...just don't call me that
          no more...it's Hombre, thank you.
Ganolus -- I will not mess with Scrag or Merlin this upcoming year.  Also, you guys
           can take your chic peas and shove 'em up your, WHAT!!!!!

All I've got to say in defense of this spot is, rum and cokes and spotlights don't
mix as well as the actual rums and cokes do.  Hopefully next turn will be better, but
no promises.  Until then....

Ganolus Oakleaf, Blood Related

		    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Five Spheres ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     In consideration of our gentle editor and to avoid offence I offer this turn's
spotlight in alternate format:

Introducing the first-ever, Five Spheres Mad-Libs Spotlight!

     For those of you who don't remember, Mad-Libs allow you to create your own
version of the story by filling in the blanks.
For example:
     "Soultaker is virtually unable to pass (plural noun)."
Filling in the (noun) gives us the sentence "Soultaker is virtually unable to pass
     On with the show--
     One afternoon (FONZ Manager) and (non-FONZ manager) were arguing about who had
the largest (noun).  They had been (verb) for hours.  Finally they decided that the
only way to solve the problem was to have a disinterested third-party (and aren't we
all disinterested) actually measure both and decide whose was larger.  They felt that
the manger best suited to incredibly anal measuring would be Manger.
     They set off to find him and his calipers.  Along the way they passed a (farm
animal) but she was only part of the (noun), not a major character.  They stopped for
a sporker and some of Death Stud's Sweaty Scrod Balls which made them (noun).  They
got a couple of beers to go at Inferno's Stumble-Thru liquor store and continue along
to Manger's.
     "Mine is totally bigger!" said one.
     "Dude, you and the rest of the FONZites are going to be so disappointed once
Manager picks mine," said the other.
     They made their way to Manager's guildhouse and were let in to his office.
     "Geez, guys!  You could have washed them off before dropping them on my (noun)."
     "Manager, you're the only one likely to have calipers big enough to decide whose
is bigger.  Please, help us out!"
     "Neither one is as big as Rhillion's (noun) but they are good sized, especially
for the time of year."  Manger looked through his drawers.  "For a job like this,
calipers won't be enough.  You need to weigh them.  We shall use my largest scales!"
he said, leading them to the next room.
     (Are Monty Python references worth bonus points?)  (No, but asking for bonus
points automatically loses you fifteen.... *grin* -- Ed.)
     They waited while Manager zeroed the scale and re-zeroed the scale and re-re-
zeroed the scale.  "Umm, I'm sure it's close enough, Manager."
     "(gerund phrase, expletive)!  I'll measure them my way or you can take them to
Farmer boB and he can do it by hand!" he screamed.
     The two looked at each other and shook their heads.  No one wanted Farmer boB
and his (adjective) hand involved in this.
     Manager carefully weighed each and then told the managers, "Well, you two are
within 1 standard deviation of the Aradi average but I'll have to say that neither
one of you will be taking home any (adjective, plural noun) with those.  You should
check out Voyde's.  He's a real statistical outlier.  His secret is that he rubs it
every night with (proper noun) to make it huge!  He'll win, easily."
                                      The End

Now, when I wrote it, here's what I used for the blanks:
Ganolus, Master Darque, pumpkin, debating, goat, scenery, thirsty, desk, bar tab,
running dog, poop, biased, blue, ribbons, Miracle-Gro.

		    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Red Avengers ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "We have to hurry."  The Rage Man and the team known as the Red Avengers were
directing a handful of paid workers to carry various crates onto a large sailing
ship.  "We need to get this to the Isle of the Eye before the next wave of Gateway
monsters attack the Keep."
     "What is this?"  Kaboom dragged a large heavy crate shaped like a coffin onto a
wooden plank.
     "Oh, it's the coolest thing."  Supernova went over to Kaboom and opened the
     "It looks like a bed."
     "It is a bed...sort of.  Debby Tonte talked about these when she hung out in
Murska.  You lie here and put this glass thing over the top.  It captures the solar
rays of the sun and gives you a nice tan."
     "That's what it is exactly." said the Rage Man, "It's a tanning bed."
     "I don't know if these are enough legwarmers for all of the Gateway warriors."
Noodles came down from the ship and began talking to the Rage Man.  "There are only a
half dozen of them or so."
     "Well, that's all I have." responded the Rage Man, "So they'll have to do."
     "Legwarmers?" Supernova asked incredulously, "The warriors in Gateway are
fighting for their lives out there and you're giving them legwarmers?"
     "You don't they don't get cold legs in the Gateway dimension?" asked Rage Man,
"I bet they do.  It can be chilly there, especially with the weird climate--or so I
hear anyway."
     "It's just that all the other stables seem to giving stuff they can use."
answered Supernova, "Like weapons and armor, and food and stuff."
     "Well, we are sending them some food too!"" The Rage Man eagerly pointed out,
"There are at least 6 cases of Salty TOGS Dogs that we are sending over!"
     "Yeah, I think I put it under the nipple rings." said Kaboom.
     "Nipple rings?" gasped Supernova, "Ok, I know I am only a fighter in the basic
arena and haven't even reached ADM yet, but if I were fighting in the Gate, I just
couldn't conceive of needing a nipple ring any time soon."
     "Well, probably not to wear on your nipple." Rage Man conceded, "But you never
know when they could come in handy somewhere else.  They can always melt it down and
make weapons out of them.  Some of them are solid steel, you know."
     "Couldn't we just send them steel?" asked Supernova, "This is going to be so
humiliating when they open these crates and see that they are from our guild house."
     "Don't worry." reassured the Rage Man, "They don't even know we exist anyway.
Maybe we can say they are from DeGotti or something.  I just don't want this stuff
     Suddenly, the light bulb went off in Supernova's head. "Oh my goodness!  I know
why we are sending all this stuff to the Gate.  These were Christmas gifts!"
     "Shhh!" hissed the Rage Man as he put his finger to his lip.  "Keep quiet.  I
don't want anyone to know that we are sending their Christmas gifts to Gateway."
     "Well, at least it's making sense now." said Supernova.
     "Look at this stuff." The Rage Man pulled a purple legwarmer out from a box.
"It has a hole in it!  We got a bunch of used legwarmers for the holidays!"
     "Plus, legwarmers are supposed to be so two years ago." nodded Kaboom.
     "Exactly my point.  It seems that everyone recycles his or her gifts here.  I'd
do the same to them, but I couldn't keep track of who gave me what.  So I'm just
getting rid of them."
     "Well then, how about we put from the managers of Aradi before we ship it out
then?" suggested Supernova. "That way, they can't be tracked back to us."
     "Good idea."

			 + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Fa Ching ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                  DeGotti's Return
                                       Part 5

Recap of part 4...

     After receiving an invite from Nuln to attend his First Annual Freakers Ball to
celebrate the return of TOGS, DeGotti made haste for Aljafir to attend Pan's Funeral.
DeGotti and party reached Aljafir in great time and attended the funeral of the dead
slasher the next afternoon.  Shortly after the funeral, DeGotti and his party were
making their way to North Fork to catch the ferry ride to the Island home of Aradi.
     We arrived in North Fork at around 7pm we had 30 minutes to wait for the next
boat to shove off.  We purchased our tickets and had time for a beer and some food at
the Salty Maiden down near the dock.  I must say the Salty Maiden has the best fish
and chips I have ever tasted.
     The boat's horn sounded and we boarded the ship.  We were greeted by the
Skipper, a robust older man with white hair and a blue cap and his First Mate, a
skinny, goofy looking guy with a red shirt and a big white hat.  They were quite
comical when the First Mate did something wrong the Skipper would always hit him in
the head with his blue cap and yell obscenities at him.  Other than the comical
Skipper and his First Mate, the long 4 hour trip was rather uneventful, unless you
call a few people getting sea sick entertaining?
     We arrived at Aradi's port a few minutes before 11:30pm and we could see
fireworks going off and obvious partying going on.  I thought to myself, "Could this
be a pre-party party?" and what do you know, it was.  It took the ship nearly 20
minutes to pull up and dock, the damned First Mate didn't appear to know what to do.
     When we did finally dock and made our way off the pier we noticed many out of
control drunks running around the streets.  One guy came running at us, threw some
beads at me and then proceeded to flash us his man breasts and ran away laughing.  I
was rather confused until Ganalous showed up a moment later and told me that under
that painted face was his TOGS teammate Hombre and that the ritual he performed was
supposed go like this:  A female, most of the time, will flash her breasts to a man
or men in return for cheap beads.  Hombre was just too drunk to understand the whole
concept.  I thanked him for the explanation and we were on our way to the Fa Ching
Guild House.
     As we walked down the street we heard many strange chicken noises and I never
realized before how many cattle was actually in the city.  I thought it rather
strange for an island city.
     We arrived at the house right around midnight and unloaded our things.

To be continued...

  + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ "THE REAL WORLD -- ARADI"  Episode 2 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     After only one episode, the new AMTV show, "THE REAL WORLD -- ARADI," was the
most popular television show in Aradi.  AMTV ran trailers all week for Episode 2,
featuring clips showing the cast members at a local Aradi dance hall and saloon
drinking and two-steppin'.  Immediately preceding Episode 2, TOGS IV Tournament
Officials, featuring Arena spokesperson "Ed." ran a public service announcement
requesting that all TOGS IV Managers refrain from writing spotlights about or
referring to abuse of small animals.
     "What is up with Ed.?" exclaimed Death Stud, as he lounged on the couch in the
living room of the Real World guildhouse watching the plasma screen television.
"Nuln's whole TOGS experience has been about goats, nipples, and small furry animal,"
said Death Stud.  "What does RSI think Nuln is going to write about if he cannot make
reference to small anmials," inquired Death Stud.
     "Maybe he can write about Guardian," said Ganolus.  "Everyone else is."
     "Who's your daddy," yelled Nuln as he galloped into the living room wearing only
a towel around his waist, and carrying a broom as if it were a stick horse while he
whooped it up and acted like he was riding a bucking bronco.  "Have you noticed my
record over the last 3 turns in the TOGS IV?" inquired Nuln.
     "Yea, we have seen it, now why don't you pipe down," said Snotman.
     "Why don't you put some clothes on," said Judge.  "We told you that we did not
want to see that naked body in the house--gross!"
     Wimpy left the living room and entered the confessional.  "I do not know why
Nuln always has to be naked.  It's just plain disgusting.  I wish the producers would
step in and kick him off the show if I have to see that again," said Wimpy to the
confessional camera.
     "Let's all go to the local Aradi Dance Hall and Saloon, "Boots & Spurz," to
celebrate the completion of the 4th round of the TOGS IV," said Nuln.
     "Sounds good," said Judge.  "I could use some drinkin' songs, and some drinks,
after going 2-3-0 last cycle."
     All seven TOGS managers in the guildhouse put on their "sh_t kickers" and their
cowboy hats, and headed down to Boots & Spurz.  As the Real World managers entered
Boots & Spurz, Anti headed straight for the beer tub, while Nuln headed to the bar to
purchase Nuln's and Judge's favorite drink, Jack and Coke.  Judge, Wimpy, Snotman,
Death Stud, and Ganolus sat down in a booth near the dance floor.  Ganolus waved to
Elephant, who was slumped over a small table muttering something to a relatively
rotund woman about how he was the true founder of the "Midnight Foundation."
     Anti returned from the beer tub with a bucket-o-beers.
     "You know, I should be buying the beer this round," said Judge.  "Anti, I have
to tip my hat to you.  Your bloodfeud of Demurrer with Gummi Ghoul last cycle was
pure brilliance.  I thought you would bloodfeud in Turn 3 of the TOGS IV so I set
Demurrer's "if challenged" strategy to deal with Gummi Ghoul's bloodfeud challenge.
By waiting until Turn 4 to bloodfeud, you caught him off guard, and nailed him," said
     "No more shop talk," said Snotman.
     "Check out Death Stud," said Ganolus, pointing to the dance floor.
      Death Stud was two-stepping with an extremely attractive woman.  As the song
ended, a cowboy cha-cha song called "Pourin' Straight Tequila" came on.  Judge,
Ganolus, and Wimpy got up and each asked a cowgirl to dance.  Nuln sipped his Jack
and Coke and watched Judge dance with a particularly attractive, buxom yet thin
cowgirl from Aradi.  Nuln lip-synced the words "Pourin' straight tequila over mixed
emotions, drowning my sorrows and crying an ocean..."
     As the steel guitar whined, Anti noticed Guardian stumble in to Boots & Spurz.
It was clear that Guardian was extremely drunk.  Guardian made his way to the dance
floor, grabbed Ganolus by the arm, and stated in slurred words.  "That's my woman,
I'm cutting in."
     "No way Guardian, I found her first," exclaimed Ganolus.
     Guardian took a wild swing at Ganolus!  Ganolus ducked, and proceeded to tackle
Guardian.  Both TOGS managers rolled around on the dance floor, each one attempting
to gain the advantage.  The Boots & Spurz bouncers rushed towards the dance floor...

     To be continued in Episode 3 of "The Real World, Aradi!"

                    -- Legalese

+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Yukon's T@%$ Spotlight #5 Daisies part V ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

Shadowgate:  Hello everyone, and welcome to this week's version of "Daisies."  I'll
be your host this week as Yukon is taking some time off.  Manager has agreed to join
me as Co-host this week.
Manager:  Hello everyone.  It's nice to be here.
Shadowgate:  Thanks Manager.
Manager:  So, is Yukon drunk again?
Shadowgate:  Most likely.  I dropped him off in Snowbound to "freeze" him out of his
bad mood.  We are going to call him later and see how he is doing.
Manager:  So he is really taking this whole "Daisies" thing really hard, isn't he?
Shadowgate:  Yes.  The last straw was when Hombre and Snotman started following him
around on a tandem bicycle, wearing only legwarmers, and chanting:  "Daisies,
Daisies, Daisies!"
Manager:  Ooooh.  They can be so mean.
Shadowgate:  Yep.  I had to get him out of here before he hurt someone.
Manager:  If I were you, I'd keep him nice and mad.  It's good for your standings.
Congrats first place, by the way.
Shadowgate:  Thanks.  Yukon's team has been tearing it up the last three turns.  My
wining percentage is a little low, but having the DM for a few turns sure helped.  Ok
we should get on with the show.  This week's episode of "Daisies" is brought to you
by Soultaker's Nut Recover Company.  If you need any help finding lost balls then
just give Soultaker a call.  His slogan is, "If you're nutless, then I'm the man for
Manager:  What happened to Death Stud's Sticky Sweaty Salty TOG Balls being the
sponsor of the show?
Shadowgate:  Stud dropped us.  He was mad at Yukon for saying his Balls suck, and
then when Yukon had to raise the rates to help cover the cost of the legal bills, he
Manager:  That's too bad.  I was really looking forward to Deathstud's balls.
Shadowgate:  What?
Manager:  The Sticky Sweaty Salty TOG balls.  I love processed scrod.
Shadowgate:  Ok.  Hey.  What happened to your arm?
Manager:  Oh that.  I hurt it doing my research for the Farm report.
Shadowgate:  What did you do, fall down or something?
Manager:  Something like that.  This is the Farm report brought to you by Hombre's
Hairy Legwarmers.  The big news down on the farms this week is that Framer Brown has
a new dog that is guarding his chicken coop.  It looks like he a mix between a
bulldog and a terrier and I think he a bit of hedgehog in him because he is one mean
little cuss.  He's got short stubby legs, only one eye and he is missing part of his
left ear.  His name is Lucky.
Shadowgate:  Let me guess...he runs a lot faster then you would think with his short
stubby legs?
Manager:  Yes.
Shadowgate:  And he can jump really high?  And has really sharp teeth?
Manager:  Yes and yes.
Shadowgate:  And he only messes with people trying to crawl into Farmer Brown's
chicken coop after dark?
Manager:  It appears so.  Other than that he is a very nice pup.
Shadowgate:  That should just about do it for the farm report.  Thanks Manager.  And
you should go get a rabies shot.
Manager:  Already done.
Shadowgate: Ok, so it's time that we give Yukon a call and see how he is doing.
Manager:  I bet he is cold.
Yukon:  You bet I'm cold.  Shadowgate, when are you coming back to take me away from
this frozen rock?
Shadowgate:  I will pop over after we finish "Daisies."
Yukon:  Cut that "Daisies" crap out!  The name of the show is <BEEP> <BEEP> <BEEP>
Shadowgate:  Ok.  We got it.  Don't get upset.
Yukon:  You didn't beep me, did you?
Shadowgate:  No.
Yukon:  Good.  Very soon all of our legal problems will be over.
Shadowgate:  Why?  What did you do?
Yukon:  Nothing much.  I have just been talking with a few new friends that I have
made here in Snowbound.  They're going to take care of everything.  He he.
Shadowgate:  You didn't hire any Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to kill anyone, did
Yukon:  Don't be silly.  There are no turtles in Snowbound.  It's too cold.
Shadowgate:  Ok.  You didn't hire any Teenage Mutant Ninja Snowman to kill anyone did
Yukon:  No comment.
Manager:  So why don't you just give this Twit guy a cut of the money you're charging
your sponsors and be done with this whole legal battle?
Yukon:  Hey!  You be quiet, you chicken loving freak!  No one asked your opinion.  If
I was there right now I'd throw you out on your as--<click>
Shadowgate:  Oops.  Lost the connection.  Sorry about that, Yukon.
Manager:  He still is a little touchy, isn't he?
Shadowgate:  Yes he is.  I may have to leave him in Snowbound for another cycle or
two to get him back into his "optimal" anger range.  I like the way his guys are
fighting when he's there.
Manager:  11-4-1 is a good way to stay on top in T@#$.
Shadowgate:  Ok, folks.  That's all the time we have this week for "Daisies."  See
you next week when I hope all this stuff is worked out.  Being the host is way too
much work.

 + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Shadowgate's Spot #5 "Murder of a Twit" ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Well, Shadowgate had gotten everything set up for the trip to Snowbound and even
set up White Raven as team captain now that Black Cat had gone off to the isle.  He
gave White Raven an amulet to send him word of anything major that happened in or
outside the arena while they were gone.  It was good to be going while they where in
first place and at least they wouldn't be at the bottom when they got back in a turn
or two.  Yukon had, much to Shadowgate's amazement, agreed to go off to Snowbound,
but had asked to be given a day to tie up some loose ends.  He had even suggested
inviting Manager and the Creepster on their trip.  Shadowgate had agreed as anything
to get Yukon out of Aradi was worth it.
     The Creepster and Manager arrived together with them both talking about the
spotlight quality from this TOGS.  Shadowgate didn't really understand all the
conservation because the Creepster was nearly unintelligible.  However, he was able
to get the gist of the conversation from Manager's side of it.  From what he could
piece together, the Creepster saw most of the spotlights and just rehashed topics
from the older TOGS spotlights.  Manager did point out that they where a bit more
graphic this time out and that the scribe was threatening to edit them.
     Yukon arrived soon enough and said everything was set...with his team and that
they need to leave, but he wanted to do their departure somewhere public.  Yukon
seemed to be in a good mood but wanted to get going that minute.  So they gathered up
their personal packs and headed off to the main market of Aradi to portal out to
town.  On the way, Shadowgate was stopped by no less than three messengers with note
for him.  The first was from Death Stud which said, "The issue will no longer be a
problem."  The next was from Soultaker with a stick drawing of a man being thrown
into a large oven.  The final one was from Rillion with a short poem saying, "A
friend in need will see a Twit bleed."  Shadowgate had to stifle a laugh.  He
wondered if any of these managers realized that the Twit was immortal.  Then again,
maybe if enough things happened to the Twit, the Grey Lady would refuse to heal him.
     The Snowbound bound party arrived at the market and Shadowgate opened a large
portal, larger than was really need but it did get the attention that Yukon was
looking for.  Shadowgate was beginning to understand Yukon's plan.  Plenty of
witnesses to their departure and witnesses to be with them the whole time they were
away.  He hoped that Yukon had planned everything else out as well and had
trustworthy employees for the job.  Shadowgate knew he himself had!  One way or the
other the Twit would be scared off at the very least.
     Once they appeared in Snowbound Yukon's demeanor cracked and he was back to his
grumpy mood.  He turned to Shadowgate and said, "OK, you're going to have to go back
to Aradi once we arrive at the cabin.  I want you to do the next TWi...Daisy with
Manager.  I will keep Creepster here with me at all time and I want Manager around
you as an witness to your whereabouts as well.  I set some things in motion and I
want to make sure that it can't be pinned on either of us."
     Shadowgate smiled and said, "Yes, there are a number of plans that seem to have
been put in motion in Aradi.  I am aware of at least five now and there could be
more.  There are a lot of "closet" TWiTs lovers who don't like the new name."
     The whole group headed for Yukon's cabin, which was a two day trip from
Shadowgate's portal point in Snowbound.  Once there, Shadowgate checked to see if
there were any messages on his amulet.  There were a few to read.  Things must have
happened fast in Aradi.  The first was that the Twit had been killed by a freak
accident in which a very large flock of chickens had mistaken him for a feed bag.  It
went on to say that the Grey Lady had sent a potion to revive him.
     The next one was a report that while visiting Death Stud's Zoo by special
invitation, Twit had found himself falling into a enclosure with a love lorn gorilla.
It seems that the gorilla's mate had been lent out to another location and that the
gorilla was looking for someone to fill his spot.  The unfortunate Twit had been
crushed in the gorilla's embrace, but to make matters worse the mate had returned.
In a jealous rage the large male gorilla had then beaten the Twit against any hard
surface he could find.  This had gone on for nearly an hour before he was calm enough
to be bribed into relinquishing the pulp that once was Twit.  The final one was a
report that the Twit had somehow been found in a local bakery oven stuffed and with
an apple in his mouth. He was dead and would require being brought to the Grey Lady's
tower to be "sorted" out.
     Shadowgate smiled to himself and then turned to the rest of the party and with a
straight face told them of the "horrors" which had befallen the poor Twit.  Creepster
said it was good that he was immortal, but even as an immortal those things would
leave a mark!  Manager said, he would need to some research on the chicken attack for
a future farm report.  Yukon started to say something and then stopped.  When he
finally spoke again, he seemed again to be in a bit of a better mood. "Ok,
Shadowgate, could you and Manager go do the stupid Daisy.  Creepster and I will get
this place back into order and see you later.  You can set up one of your temporary
portal links here, right?"
     "Yes, that will not be a problem.  I brought an newly created one for that exact
purpose."  Shadowgate and Manager disappeared into the portal and Yukon turned
grabbed a keg and fell into an over stuffed chair.

End of Shadowgate's Spotlight #5 to be continued in "More Twisted Twit Tales"

     + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Wimpy and the Law and the ACLU ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Wimpy was sitting in his office trying to figure out whom his fighters could
challenge in the next round of the TOGS.  He was having quite a problem coming up
with any reasonable choices.  His TPs kept losing to Lungers.  His Aimed Blow had no
TPs within reach for an up challenge and his two new guys were ranked so high there
were no beatable fighters within reach.  After a bit of thought Wimpy decided to go
ahead with a down challenge for his Aimed Blow.  4 points was better than getting
none or having his AB killed.  As far as the TPs, he would have one challenge another
TP and run nude with a sword of some type.  The other TP would try again to beat a
Lunger.  The two new guys would just have to take their chances with fighters having
much more experience.  Just as Wimpy was putting the final touches on the challenges
paperwork, He heard the loud voice of Freep call out.
     "Here come da Judge.  Here come da Judge."*
     Freep then threw open the front door and in walked the Judge.  He was
resplendent in his three piece, pin striped suit.  His Wing Tip shoes were polished
to a high gloss luster. And his custom fedora sat atop his head like a crown.  In
short, he was one classy looking guy.
     "Welcome back, Judge." Wimpy greeted the legal eagle.  "We are sure glad to have
you back.  We've got a lawsuit to talk about and the ACLU."
     "Howdy, Wimpy.  I've heard rumors that you have gotten crosswise with the ACLU.
How in the world did you get involved with them?"
     "Judge I'm not sure we are talking about the same ACLU.  I've had a cow here for
the last few days.  Right now she has gone to the ladies room, meaning she is out in
the meadow making muffins.  She claims to represent the Aradi Cows for Liberated
Udders.  ACLU for short.  Are you familiar with this group?"
     "Damn it, Wimpy, why won't you listen to my legal advice.  I've told you many
times, 'Don't have a cow.'  Now you've gone and got yourself one.  What am I going to
do with you?"
     "Yeah, yeah.  I know I should have listened to you, but I thought this cow could
help us with Twit's lawsuit.  You were gone and I had no one else to talk to about
Twit's problem.  What was I to do?" pleaded Wimpy.
     Just as the Judge was starting to reply, the door to the meadow opened and in
walked the cow.  She looked a lot thinner.  She smiled when she saw the Judge.
"Judge, it is good to see you.  How is the ACLU's case going?"
     The Judge sighed and said to the cow, "Hello Elsie, its good to see you again.
I think you ought to explain to Wimpy all about the ACLU.  He seems to be a bit
     "A bit confused?" Wimpy mumbled under his breath, "that's an understatement.
How the hell do I keep getting involved in these things?"
     So Elsie started to explain.  "Several months ago, four of us cows got together.
There was Bessie, Bossie, Clarabell and I.  We were fed up with having these things
attached to our udders twice a day and sometimes even left there for hours.  We
agreed that something had to be done.  So we decided to form a group.  Bessie came up
with the name, Aradi Cows for Liberated Udders.  We all liked it and it was easy to
agree to use ACLU rather than always say Aradi Cows for Liberated Udders.
     "Now we had a name,"  Elsie continued, "but we didn't know what the next step
should be.  How would we put pressure on the farmers to liberate our udders?
Clarabell suggested that she had a good friend who might be able to help us or at
least point us in the right direction.  When she said his name was Goofy, we all
agreed that we should look for someone with a little more ability.  That's when we
thought of the Judge.  He was one step above Goofy.  So, to make a short story long,
we contacted the Judge and arranged a meeting.  We told him about our udder problems
and he kept asking about what other problems.
     "About the time we were able to make things clear to the Judge, he was called
out of town.  Two days later, we heard that you were looking for the ACLU and I was
assigned to come and see you.  The rest, like they say, is history.  So here I am."
     The Judge was the first to respond.  "I'm back now so we can get to work on the
problems of the ACLU.  The first thing we need to do is to publicize the fact that we
are looking for help and suggestions.  We can do this in the TOGS Newsletter
Spotlight and ask for input from the readers."
     "Sounds like a typical, Judge idea," Wimpy japed, "lets see what kind of replies
we get."
     And so dear readers, do you have suggestions that might help these poor cows?
Just post in the personal ads your thoughts and ideas.

* This week's Wimpy trivia question.  Where did this saying first become popular?

     + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Replenishing the Farm by Ghoti ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     All of the managers on the Isle of Aradi had gathered in the center of town to
discuss the loss of all the livestock and determine where they were to get food and
entertainment in the future.
     "I MISS MY CHICKENS!!!!  BWWWAAAAAAAHHH!!!!! And I need to peeeeeeee!" cried
     "The sheep have gone, how can I make more yarn for my leg warmers?" questioned
Hombre, whose current pair had sagged below his knees.  "They make the best ones, you
     Guardian stood by in a black cape watching the skies, mouthing the words, "Where
have all the Ravens gone?  Death Stud!  Did you take the Ravens?  I know you did it!"
     "Are you nuts?  I lost a lot of livestock.  But I think Ravens might make some
great chick peas.  Too bad I didn't grab em when I could." exclaimed Death Stud.
     Judge piped in, "Well at least you didn't have the illiterate Wimpy trying to
read to you.  It's a good thing for you, Wimpy, that I did not sentence you to
     "I died twice, just like everyone else." said Wimpy.
     "Not me." said Onedawg, which brought about looks of derision and drawn swords
among the FONZ managers.
     "Has everyone noticed how lonely and quiet it is over at the BoBs farm?"
mentioned Yukon.  "I really miss the soothing sounds of cud chewing from them
heifers." he added.
     Everyone then tilted their heads to listen and as one, let out a resounding,
     "At least I still have all my nuts." said Sultan.
     Suddenly the sound of animals in the distance could be heard....  Together, Anti
and The Greek Guy (remember he is Greek) pointed up the street to the top of the hill
and yelled "LOOK AT THAT!"  Kind of like little girls about to wet themselves.
     Everyone turned to see a menagerie of animal oddities cresting the hill and
coming towards them.  As the entire group came over the hill they could see it was
being led by Ghoti, Armalias, and their respective teams.  The animals looked to be
marching in straight lines and grouped together like a giant marching band.  The two
managers pulled up just short of the rest of the Aradi managers.
     For all their powers and prowess they looked a lot like they all had a case of
brain worm.  They mostly stood there with their mouths open, drooling like idiots
when finally Dreihdenflagh said "What's that tall thing there?"
     "It is called a giraffe," explained Ghoti.  "I have imported 30...no, make that
31 to replace all the cows.  The meat from one can feed you all for a month.  The
skin from one can make you all a Fred Flintstone looking muumuu.  I had made one up
just for you, Hombre, I know you will miss your leg warmers."
     "WOW!" said the crowd.
     "What is that long legged duck looking thing?" Nuln asked excitedly.
     "That would be your everyday O'Streech, my fine Chaotic Friend.  I have imported
31 of them, just count the lines.  I have brought them in to replace all of the
chickens that died in the great cliff dive of turn 327.  One can provide enough meat
to feed you all for a week and the feathers can make some mighty fine pillows and
boas." explained Ghoti.  He leaned to Ganolous and whispered, "Think of how big the
chic peas will be."
     "How about that thing with the stiff looking fur?" asked Ganolous with an
excited smile.
     "That is a Pork-u-pine.  I got em to replace any rodents we lost.  This here is
a rattle snake to replace the worms.  And this here..."AFLAAAAK"...should be dead."
said Ghoti.
     "My Insurance agent!" exclaimed Master Darque.
     "Anyway, the rest of the animals here, Rhino Sore-Aces for goats, and in reserve
we have Heffellumps, Woosles, and a platypus just in case I missed anything.  The de-
sphinctered camels are for transportation and for domesticated pets we have only male
lions." Ghoti listed.  "If I did miss anything, let me know.   I would like to point
out that the replacement animals are not only much larger but also well able to
defend themselves." said Ghoti.  "Remember that the next time you attempt to molest
one.  You may now split them up amongst yourselves as you feel the need."
     At that, Ghoti and Armalias departed.

             + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ My Best Buds 2 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

	The five were awakened early the next morning to the sound of sword and shield
crashing together outside of their rooms.  One after another rising slowly from their
beds to get dressed.  Walking slowly into the hall then snapping to a firm attention
trying to hide glassy tired eyes.  Some had gone directly to sleep while others, one
in particular, stayed awake long into the night.  It was apparently clear that if he
did not produce a victory he might not be long for this world.  Still another was
nervous as his first arena fight grew near and he lay awake for several hours not
sure he was prepared for this.
	Death Commander looked over the group one by one, surveying their body language
and reading their emotions from their eyes.  Inside he had many doubts but outwardly
showed complete confidence and his gaze seemed very focused.  He motioned to the
bunch gathered before him and led them down to the kitchen where a tray of various
fruits had been prepared for each along with a quart of water drawn for each.
Today's workout would be very intense and the morning meal had been planned
specifically to best prepare their bodies for the strain.
	Plenty of time was given for them to finish the meals and rest before they were
led to stretch in the courtyard before the actual training day began.  As they
entered the equipment room they were puzzled by the fact that a rusty old suit of
plate armor was set out in front of each warrior's area.  The 2 female warriors
turned and looked at each other, being the smartest of the five they recognized what
this may have in store for them. Maui turned to 4-FT Party Bong and whimpered, "I
surely hope we're not supposed to fight in these today.  Because there is no way I
can possibly fight in a rusty old hunk of iron like that."  This statement alone was
enough to make B-52's jaw drop as he was already clearly unsure of himself already.
	The fears of the two were indeed correct as they were made to wear full plate
armor and full helm as they spent an entire hour working strictly on their attack
techniques against the training dummies.  An absurdly long time to swing a weapon
even with frequent breaks lasting several minutes each, but made even worse by having
to carry the extra weight in heavy, unforgiving armor.  Upon being given a barely
generous break of 15 minutes each crawled their way to the baskets of fruit set upon
the benches that ringed the battle area.  Grabbing greedily at the waterskins to
guzzle water to battle the dehydration that was slowly setting in from the strenuous
	After the break they were allowed to strip to their leather armor underneath to
run the outskirts of town which at some point each one of them thought was going to
lead to their own personal death.  As the last warrior arrived back at the guild, it
was coincidentally the newest member, they all lay collapsed in the large downstairs
gathering room for what would come next.  Graff, who had arrived back first, turned
and looked at the bunch and told of the fact he had overheard a discussion which told
of the fact that 2 of them were indeed in severe jeopardy of being sent to the Dark
Arena if they did not win their fights day after tomorrow.  Just then Death Commander
strode in and Graff went silent before he could say anymore.
	"You're all free to head off to bed, " Death Commander grumbled, "tomorrow you
will have off so you can be strong for the fights the next day."  Barely able to move
they slunk off to bed, all of them too tired to even remember what Graff had told
them about.
	The day of the fights came and went and an unfortunate 1-4 showing did not bode
well.  Upon return to the guildhouse no time was wasted in Death Commander was NOT
happy with what he had seen today.  He was personally embarrassed by how they had
performed in Street Legal's absence.
	"I'm not going to waste anymore of our time on this so I'm coming right out
with it." he spoke in a firm voice.  "I have decided on my own, as I was given the
authority to do in our manager's absence, that two of you are going to the Dark
Arena.  The other three have performed well but for the two who are going you will
not be practicing with them this week.  You are free to practice on your own during
off-hours but otherwise may not be around the others as they train.  Graffix, 4-FT
Party Bong and Maui Wowie!  You are to report tomorrow as usual.  Skunk and B-52 you
are welcome here as your time remains but you may not be around while they prepare
for their fights."
	That night the five circled up with hardly a word spoken and smoked long into
the night, a moment to bond with some and a solemn farewell celebration for others.

+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Ganolus sat in his grove, doing some hard thinking.  "All the crap I talked to
Guardian, and I haven't done anything yet.  Said I'd beat his ass but haven't done
anything yet, not even toss a challenge his way." he thought.  "I really need to come
up with a good plan."  Ganolus used his druid powers to shapeshift into a coyote.
     After a few minutes, he had a plan.  Sitting down at his drafting table, he
began to draw up his plans. He was almost done an hour later, when Hombre walked up
and asked,"what ya working on?"
     "Check it out" Ganolus said, holding up several crude drawings in crayon.  "When
Guardian walks down the road here, he'll see this pile of birdseed, and when he's
eating it, I'll drop an anvil off this building and crush him.  Good plan, huh?"
     "Uhh, I don't think Guardian eats birdseed.  You been thinking as a coyote
again?  You gotta stop that, it warps your mind."
     Ganolus crumpled up his crayon plans in disgust.  "Ok, Mr.Negative, I'll just
come up with a better plan then."  He headed off for the nearest Big-5, making
himself a mental note to cancel the anvil order from the Acme corporation.
     Later that afternoon, Ganolus was standing on top of the bell tower at Aradi
University with a brand new crossbow in his hands.  "I can get a good shot at him
from up here.  Now where is he?"  Ganolus could see all of Aradi from up here, and he
began looking around for Guardian.  "There he is.  I think that's Pip with him, what
the hell are they doing over there by Manager's guildhouse?"  He looked closer and
realized Guardian and Pip were throwing stones at Manager's glass guildhouse.
Ganolus took aim with the crossbow, he had Guardian in the crosshairs of the
crossbow's sight.  "Maybe I can get them both, the big mouth and the over-inflated
ego of the CDC.  Hah, how can you tell which is which?" he chuckled to himself.  As
he took closer aim, and prepared to fire, he felt his foot slipping.  Suddenly the
spanish tile of the bell tower roof slipped out from under his feet.  The crossbow
jerked to the side and fired, Ganolus fell on his face, and promptly slid off the
roof.  Luckily he landed in a huge pile of manure and was unhurt.
     Guardian hurled a big rock at Manager's glass guildhouse, smiling as it
shattered another wall.  "So Pip, you got anyone ready for the tourney?"  He turned
to look at Pip and saw him lying there with a crossbow bolt in the back of his head.
He put a boot to the back of Pip's head and pulled the bolt out.  He then kicked him
in the ribs, "Get up."
     Pip groaned a little and started to get up, "What happened" he asked, obviously
     "We were drinking.  Let's go back to the bar."
     "Ok," said Pip, as they walked off in the direction of the bar.  "Nothing like
more drinking to take care of this drinking headache."
     Meanwhile, Ganolus had returned to his grove, and was once again in coyote form,
"Need another plan" he thought to himself.  After a lot of time had passed, Ganolus
had an idea.  He got some wood and began building.
     Ganolus worked through the night, and when Hombre showed up in the morning, he
was just about done.  "Great, you're here, I'll need your help with this one."
Ganolus said.
     "What is this thing?" asked Hombre.
     "It's a catapult that shoots chainsaws.  When Guardian comes out of the bar I'm
gonna fire it at him.  Help me move it into position."
     The two managers began moving the device, and set it up next to one of Aradi's
seaside cliffs, where it would have the best shot at the bar's front door.  Ganolus
began loading the machine with the chainsaws.
     "I don't know if chainsaws are the best kinda payload for this kinda job." said
     "You need to be more creative, anyone can make a catapult that throws boulders.
Luckily I have such a creative mind."
     Ganolus waited.  And waited.  "Are they ever coming out of the bar?" he thought
to himself.  Suddenly, he saw Malaquar walk out of the bar.  "It's gonna be soon" he
thought.  Guardian walked out of the bar, followed by Pip, and then the three began
walking away.  Ganolus pulled the firing device on the catapult and smiled as
chainsaws running full blast flew through the air in a arc towards the trio.  One of
the chainsaws hit Pip in the leg, the rest missed.
     "Ow ow ow," cried Pip, "My leg my leg, my middle leg.  Oh never mind, it's just
the right one.  Throw that in the cooler and get me another beer."  The trio walked
off, except for Pip, who was hopping off.
     "Damn it," screamed Ganolus, "I missed again.  But I got Pip, so it wasn't
     "Yeah, but that leg will just grow back," said Hombre.  "Besides, I don't care
about that, I just wanna know how you're doing that now."
     "Doing what?"
     "Standing there with nothing underneath you."
     "What?" Ganolus looked down, and realized that the recoil of the catapult had
pushed him back, and off the edge of the cliff.  "AAAAAHHHHHH!" he screamed as he
began to fall.  "Damn Guardian, I'll get him for this one."

                 + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ R.J.G. ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     The battlefield was a mire of bloody mud and twisted bodies.  The stench was
nearly unbearable as the midday sun beat down upon the carnage.  Vultures had already
begun feasting upon the dead, and were only slightly annoyed when a skirmish passed
near their grisly meal.  Four thousand men had died since the early morning assault,
and more would be joining them before the day was done.  The broken bodies and blood
stained ground appeared in stark contrast to the golden grasses and rolling hills.
War was never pretty.
     The enemy was cunning.  Never before had an assault penetrated so deeply into
the Plains of Fire.  Whoever was leading them knew their business well.  Countered at
every turn, they had been on the run since midmorning.
     Morale was low and despair haunted the eyes of all but the staunchest veterans.
Most of the officers were obviously nervous, but a few still held on to hope.
Captain Mikal stood as a bulwark near the General's side and spoke in a hushed but
aggressive manner, "Honorable General.  We dare not retreat any further.  Unless we
present a threat to the invaders they will continue to press us, even to the gates of
the capital itself.  We must strike now, while they think us routed."
     General Han nodded in thought, but his son, Jessu, spoke in a disparaging tone,
"The great Captain Mikal will save us again?  I tire of your babble.  Father, we must
retreat to the city and prepare for a siege at once."
     In a calm, but steady voice, Mikal replied, "We mustn't allow ourselves to be
ruled by fear."
     Jessu jumped to his feet and nearly came across the table, "Do not mock me,
peasant.  Are you trying to call me a coward?  Speak plainly now or you will quickly
know the taste of steel."
     Mikal appeared amused, "Does the General's son wish to cross blades with me.
The fool."
     "SILENCE!" General Han bellowed.  With a reproachful look, he quickly grabbed
his son's arm, "Do not dishonor me.  Return to your place, and remain silent."
     Jessu bowed to his father but his eyes never left Mikal's face, "Forgive me,
father.  The heat of battle has made me short tempered."  With a look of disdain, he
returned to his seat.
     With a look of interest, the general asked, "What do you propose, Mikal?"
     Mikal bowed deeply, "Perhaps there is another way.  By your leave, I would take
200 horse and wait in the hidden Valley of Gond, while you continue your retreat to
the city.  If we wait there until late afternoon, the bulk of our enemy's forces
should miss us.  As dusk approaches, we will slip out behind their main force and cut
off their supply lines."
     Jessu barked, "That is nearly our entire cavalry!"
     "But, if as you say, we must retreat to the city and prepare for a siege, then
what good will the cavalry do behind the city walls?" Mikal countered.
     General Han nodded in approval, "Yes, you will do this, Mikal.  Jessu.  You will
accompany Mikal on this mission.  You will be second in command."
     With eyes bulging Jessu nodded to the General, "As you wish, father."

        + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ An Anti-Adventure part 3 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     [Last turn we saw the FONZ jump into action by, as usual, depending on Death
Stud to save their asses.  Death Stud was transformed into Gerbil Stud and sent into
the deserted fried chicken shack to discover the plans of the unified gerbil front.]
     [Anti, chosen as the one most qualified (by which we mean too stupid to come up
with a plausible excuse not to), was posted as the getaway guy at the other end of
the parking lot.]
     [And so we cut over to the shack as a tiny manager in a gerbil suit makes his
way inside....]
     Gerbil Stud made his way through the throngs of gerbils, nervous sweat pouring
down his face.  Would the disguise hold up?  And if not, could he be placed as a
member of FONZ?  If they were to find out that he was a member of assorted animals'
"Public Enemy #1" then his demise would likely be very painful and very drawn out...
something akin to be forced to read a series of DeGotti team spotlights.
     But so far so good, nobody noticed the smaller than usual gerbil who quickly 
shuffled by them, the smell of sawdust and gerbil poppers covering the stink of
nervous sweat.  To the front of the room Gerbil Stud could hear a roar of chanting
and the blaze of torches shining, so he headed up through the crowd....
     And there he was shocked to witness the largest number of gerbils he had ever
seen since they had leveled the old Ivory League headquarters.
     There was gerbils of every shape and size, though they all seemed to have one
thing in common...a really bad case of "ring around the collar."  Fortunately
Soultaker had realized that this would likely be the case and had dumped some
chocolate milk around the hood of the costume.  Soultaker had also advised him to
maybe get a glass eyed look and mumble "No, please Rillion, have mercy!" over and
over...but hopefully it wouldn't come to that.
     He took a step back in shock, and nearly tripped over an old, spotchy grey
haired gerbil who was leaning against a pillar for support.
     "Watch it, junior!  And what's little young un like you doing here?  This here
meeting is for da grown ups!" barked the senile old gerbil, glowering down at Gerbil
     "I'm not a child....er, I'm just short for my age!" muttered Gerbil Stud,
frustrated that even amongst hamster-sized crowd he was still a shrimp.
     "Eh whatever, I'm not one to judge." said the elder gerbil diplomatically.  "I'm
just so happy to see all my hard work come to fruition."
     Now even a micro-manager dressed as a rodent can sense an opening like that when
he hears one, so GS waddled over to the oldie, leaning in to ask....
     "What do you mean your efforts?  Are a part of this...er...uh...glorious
     Beaming, the old man nodded, "Yes yes, my name is Cragi, and even though I'm as
old and dusty as a mummy's fart and even though my hair is falling out in patches...
hell, I even lost that ponytail I had for a while...I'm still a valuable member of
the gerbil community!"
     Gerbil Stud just nodded...craggy old farts babbling on and on was nothing new to
a member of FONZ....
     "And I proved it just recently when I discovered the solution to all of our
     "Really?" asked Gerbil Stud, trying to keep his bodysuit from slipping, furry
wedgies are a bitch.
     "Yes yes, it all came together when I discovered a 'manager' who wouldn't tell
me his name...just said he was 'Manager.'"
     "Uh oh," thought Gerbil Stud.
     "The amazing thing was, what was a curse to us gerbils..." mused Cragi "was
something of a hobby to this Manager fella."
     "You mean...?" asked Gerbil Stud, wondering if Cragi was talking about who it
sounded like....
     "Yep, first time I ever saw a human being who seemed to prefer having his head
up his own ass!"
     *SIGH*  "Yeah it's him." muttered GS to himself.  "This doesn't bode well at
     [To be continued, hopefully next time a little longer.]

         + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Darque Ages Production ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

Note:  We interrupt the on-going story of The Nulninator to bring you this special
TOGS holiday special.

     Have you ever wondered what Sandy Klaws (the Alastarian equivalent of the
otherworldly Santa) brings the good and bad managers of the TOGS for Scrodmas (yeah,
you guessed it)?
     First a little background.  Everyone knows the typical Scrodmas' rituals, right?
People go scrodassaling up and down the streets of Aradi.  Roving bands of carolers
sing the ever-popular classics such as Silver Scrods, The First Scrod, and It Came
Upon a Midnight Scrod!  Decorations of golden scrods line the streets and wreaths
weaved from scrod intestines are on every door.
     Through one of many very secret sources, Darque Ages has received a list of what
a few managers in Aradi got on this very special Scrodmas.  Here we go!
     Guardian -- What do you buy for a man that apparently has everything?  To add
some excitement to his life, Sandy Klaws kidnapped all of his ADM warriors, and he
now has to start from scratch.  No more cries of "look to Gateway or Primus!"
     Death Stud -- While Sandy Klaws did not believe this manager deserved
reconstructive surgery for height enhancement, she did not leave him without a
present.  STILTS!
     Soultaker -- Soultaker must have been a very good boy this year!  Sandy Klaws
left him a Decanter of Endless Rogaine.
     Rillion -- Always giving the practical gifts, SK surprised everyone when she
gave Rillion a new liver.
     The Greek Guy -- To help TGG save time during TOGS planning, SK brought him an
at home sobriety test.  No more wondering if Rillion is in condition for plotting,
now he'll know.
     Ganolus -- On the foyer of his guildhouse in Aradi, Ganolus was blessed with a
large marble statue of his hero Guardian.
     Judge -- Our judicial manager received the greatest collection of warriors any
manager has every gotten.  Double 21's abounded on this group of raw recruits.  They
were all promptly assassinated by Master Darque.
     Master Darque -- Coal.
     Nuln -- Nuln received nothing for Scrodmas.  He now holds the consecutive record
for being on the naughty list.
     Voyde -- Word has it that Void (sp?) received a few new gladiators.  We later
learned that Sandy Klaws didn't bring him the new gladiators, but they came via the
Gladiatorial Commission because Master Darque keeps killing his warriors.
     Snotman -- With a name like Snotman, he was just crying for a large supply of
     Anti -- For lack of a better idea (or running joke) Anti was given a mode of
transportation that was not a horse, floating disc, or airship.  It is called a car.
How it got to Aradi we will never know.
     Shadowgate -- Shadowgate received a one way ticket to a detox center.  He was
quickly abused, man-handled, and stripped searched.  He kept refusing to admit that
he had a problem.  It was later discovered that Shadowgate received Yukon's present
by mistake.
     Yukon -- See above, though it was delivered a few days late.

              + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Thieves Guild ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "Ugh, I can't believe that I am still wasting my time in this country-bumpkin
ass-backward town." spat Hombre to his housekeeper, Paco.  "I am a fashion dynamo,
it's true.  And I do admit, I just love the way the wannabe Abercro-zombie's line up
to see me in the annual fashion show to see what I have decided what will be in and
what won't be.  Still, I should be in one of the more upscale arenas where my talents
could be put to better use.  Ahh, to be in Aruak City or better yet, Noblish Island,
it's summer there, you know.  Everyone who is anyone is vacay-ing on the island right
now.  Don't you think I should just blow off this silly little TOGS thing and go to
the islands Paco?"
     "Si." replied Paco.
     "It is the New Year however, Paco and maybe I can just get through the show,
give the masses what they came to see and then leave.  I just hope that Sir Indimar
and Elephant never forget <hehe> what I am doing for them.  Scrodpieces!  How utterly
militant.  Oh well, if anyone can make them fabulous, c'est moi, right, Paco?"
     "Si" replied Paco.  Come to think of it, Paco never said anything but 'Si'.
     The day of the Aradi Fashion Review came and the hustle and bustle of the crowd
was in full force.  Flash bulbs lit the sky like the sun reflecting off of
Soultaker's head.  The elite managers of Aradi pushed their way to the front of the
crowds and crammed themselves up against the catwalk.  This was, after all, an
important day in Aradi.  Finding out what will be the new thing to wear?  Every year
it has grown in popularity and two years ago when Hombre came out in those now famous
nipple-pink leg warmers...that collective gasp in the audience is what you live for
as an icon of the people.  That show would have been hard to top just one year later
but maybe as a hidden blessing last year's show never happened.  You see, Nuln had
auditioned to be an extra runway model and was laughed out of the building.  Angered,
he rained fire, brimstone, and hot&spicy Pork-Rinds down on the Town, and let's face
it, at first it was kind of cool, you know, tasty little pork-rinds (they have no
carbs you know) but how many pork-rinds can you eat before you start to get sick?
Not many I tell you, but I digress....  So the show was cancelled due to the
hot&spicy vomit smell in the streets.  When Hombre wasn't allowed to go on stage that
day, he decided that there would be no new style that year and instead bought a Chaos
Tanning Bed 1000.  He pretty much just stayed inside and tanned all year.  Two years
later, the people of Aradi are probably so starved for their fashion guru that no
matter what he came out with, they would buy it.
     "Five minutes!" yelled Master Darque.  The runway models scattered about in
stressful confusion.  Makeup was finished and outfits were on.  The beat of the music
had started, and the first model was on the way.  A little smidgen of genuine
excitement and some polite clapping at the runway models was heard but everyone their
knew that they were just waiting until the grand finale, the Stunning Hombre to grace
everyone with his presence.
     "Nervous?" a strange tinny voice asked Hombre.
     "Are you kidding?  I am a god to these bumpkins.  I could go out wearing a
diaper and a Green Bay cheese hat and that's what everyone would start wearing!"
chuckled Hombre as he turned around to see who was speaking to him.  "NULN!  What are
you doing here?  Look, get over it, you're not attractive and can't be in the show,
get over it, move on.  Has anyone seen my Scrodpiece?"
     Nuln stepped forward. "Do you mean this?" Nuln dropped his Chaos armor leggings
(tm) and there was Hombre's Scrodpiece for the show.
     "Do I have to yell for security, Nuln?"
     Nuln picked his leggings back up and took a step forward to Hombre.  "You won't
be yelling for anyone you soon-to-be-has-been." (there's time-travel phrase for ya)
With that, Nuln pulled out his massive Chaos Mace (tm) and took another threatening
step towards Hombre.
     "NOT THE FACE!" shrieked Hombre and then immediately after fainted so Nuln never
actually had to strike him.
     "Ok, Hombre, you're on!" Master Darque's voice shot from the other side of the
door.  Nuln got a big grin going on inside his Chaos Helm (tm) and began to take his
first steps to popularity....

to be continued...

   + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Snotman and the Spooky Kids Part IV ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     First, a quick note to help with any timeline confusion, Smiles part II took
place a couple of weeks before the Snotman and the Spooky Kids spotlight.  Since
Snotman and the Spooky Kids clearly takes place on Halloween night, that would place
Smiles in early October.

     Snotman stood on the balcony overlooking the party.  Down below, hundreds of
guests, dressed in outlandish costumes mingled and chatted.  Dozens of waiters moved
through the crowd gracefully, bringing drinks and snacks to the managers.  Snotman
was quite pleased with the turnout, every manager and most of the local figures had
shown up.  Snotman raised his magic telescopic lens to his eye and his magic
stereophonic ear horn to his ear for a close up on what Arenamaster Harkon was
saying, "All I'm saying is that I should be allowed to participate in the TOGS...."
     Death Stud winced as Arenamaster Harkon said the dreaded 't' word.  Arenamaster
Harkon continued without noticing, "next time.  You know that I'll run every turn and
there is no doubt about me writing.  I think that people are just scared because of
how good my warriors are."
     Death Stud answered, "Look, I told you before, I'm not even in charge of this
T...er, contest.  I don't know if I'll do the next one...."
     Arenamaster Harkon interrupted, "Maybe you will, and maybe you won't but you
have pull.  If you came down strongly in my favor, it would definitely help my case."
     Death Stud said, "Frankly, if there is never another T...contest, it'll be too
soon.  This is nothing but a headache for me.  I have to write personals and a
spotlight every turn.  I didn't write a single one between the last contest and this
one.  If Soultaker didn't have those pictures of me and...let's just say that I
wouldn't even be participating in this contest if it weren't for Soultaker.  And
running the contest is a thousand times worse."
     Arenamaster Harkon's face twisted into a momentary snarl, "You have so much and
you don't even appreciate it.  You can travel away from this sick hellhole.  And you
can participate in the premier contest in all of Alastari.  I'm stuck here during the
TOGS and I don't even get to participate."
     Arenamaster Harkon paused, took a deep breath and continued more calmly, "Look,
I just want to participate, not to have an unfair advantage.  I know that my Dark
Arena beasties are way too highly skilled.  That is why I would even consider teaming
up with Mervin Dree and his pathetic orcs.  If I could win with him as my teammate,
it would be a testament to my skill as a manager.  Maybe I could get out of this
Arenamaster gig and start up a team of my own."
     Death Stud started laughing, "Man, you really want this bad if you are willing
to team up with that loser Dree.  I hear that he and Ghoti are getting into a heated
argument about ogres versus orcs.  Throw in that I'm With Stupid guy and you have
quite a braintrust."
     Snotman whirled around when he heard a voice behind him, "Hey dude, whacha
     For a second Snotman was caught off guard, "Uh, I was just calling in an order
to the kitchen on my ear horn."
     "Dude, that's sweet!  I could totally use one of those when I get the muchies.
I'd be like, 'Hey Hombre, stop staring at yourself in the mirror and grab me some
chips.'  That'd rock."
     Snotman, quite amused by the thought offered, "This is a top of the line Ear
Horn Twelve Thousand.  But I have an old Nokia Scryphone might work for you.  I'll
bring it to the next FONZ super-secret meeting."
     "Righteous, and then if Hombre was all, 'Screw you man, I'm doing my nightly
oil' I could be all like, 'Well then screw you man.  And then I'd use the scryphone
and I'd call Wimpy and be like, 'Wimpy, my man, can you rush over 40 of those
hamburger things you are always munching on.'  And he'd be like, 'Dude, you are
totally high.  Smoke me out and I'll bring the grub.'  And I'd be like, 'You have a
deal man.'  This is going to be great!"
     While Ganolus was rambling on, Snotman checked out his costume.  His hair was
tangled and matted.  Dreads were beginning to form in the snarls.  Perched on the top
of his head was a red, green and yellow knitted cap.  He was wearing a tie-dye
druid's robe, the bright colors not quite able to hide the stains.  His eyes were
bloodshot and he had put on weight in the past couple of months.  He was wearing worn
leather sandals that said "Birkenstock" on the side.  Snotman interrupted Ganolus,
"So, what are you dressed up as?"
     "What are you talking about man?" Ganolus replied.
     "It's a costume party...Halloween...any of this ringing a bell?"
     Ganolus stared blankly for a few seconds and then looked out on the seething
mass of humanity below them, "Heh, that would totally explain all the strange things
I saw tonight.  I couldn't remember if I had taken anything psychedelic and then I
figured that I probably had."
     Snotman shrugged, "Eh, most people probably think that you are in costume."
     Ganolus frowned, "Hey, what does that mean.  And what are you supposed to be
dressed as?"
     Snotman flipped his top hat onto his head and did a couple of dance steps, "I'm
Fred Astaire."
     Ganolus said, "Sweet, I got hungry talking about those hamburgers, I'm gonna go
grab something."
     He turned walked away, humming under his breath, "Flintstones, meet the

More later...

        + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Barnabus's Barn of Terror ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                  by Pip T.F.Troll

     Elephant stamped nervously in his paddock.  First the unmentionable acts
performed on his fellow animals, then not being invited to the Aradi new year's
celebration at farmer Bob's, and to top it off, his partner uses a malfunctioning fax
machine to send turns.  How many times did he have to tell Indimar it's word side
down?  Well, he would get his revenge on them all.
     Stella, Aradi's last virginal chicken, entered the paddock and gave Elephant the
all clear sign.  All the managers were gathered in the barn.  With Stella, Aradi's
last virginal chicken, riding as a lookout on top of his head, Elephant broke the
chain that tied him into his paddock and began walking towards Farmer Bob's.  Time
for revenge had come.
     Arriving at the farm, and seeing that his fellow animals had blocked the side
doors to the barn, he walked up to front doors of the barn.  He could hear them
partying inside, and he'd have revenge on them all!  Elephant began pushing in the
barn door, the hinges ripping free as he pushed with his huge elephant forehead.
Aradi managers began to scream in terror as the huge barn door began pushing them to
the back of the barn, Elephant planned on crushing them all to death.
     As the door began to advance towards the back of the barn, the managers were
trapped, there was nowhere for them to go.  Stella, Aradi's last virginal chicken,
chuckled in glee.  Elephant would have chuckled in glee as well, but he's rather
     Aradi's poor managers were being crushed!  Nuln was being crushethed, his eyes
bulging out of his chaos helmet further than usual.  Soultaker's head was being
crushed, his head becoming more follically challenged than usual.  Death Stud was
being crushed, he was becoming shorter than usual.  There was a loud pop and red
liquid began running under the door.  "Doh, my juicebox!" screamed Snotman, becoming
runnier than usual.  Ganolus was being crushed, becoming more irate than usual.
Yukon was being crushed, his alarm going off louder than usual.  Manager was being
crushed, he was whining more than usual (cmon, a manager who calls himself manager,
wears yellow pants that say pants, a yellow shirt that says shirt, and fills out his
strategies with a yellow pencil that says pencil, simply cannot become more generic
than usual).  Barnabus pushed hard against the door, but even though he'd been doing
more reps than usual, it was no use, he was being crushed.  Stella, Aradi's last
virginal chicken, wasn't being crushed, but was chuckling in more glee than usual.
      Judge was also being crushed, and becoming more judgmental than usual.  Wimpy
was being crushed, and becoming more wimpy than usual.  "Ow it hurts" he whimpered.
"Anyone got a hamburger?"  Degotti was being crushed, and thinking about sticking it
to Greywand more than usual.  He obviously didn't know that if you stick it to
Greywand, Greywand turns it into a toad (he was lucky, better to be crushed than have
one's privates turned into a toad).  Indimar was being crushed, his fax machine
malfunctioning more than usual.  Hombre was staining to push the door back, and
becoming more scrod scented body oiled up than usual (thanks to Indimar's new store).
Ghoti, Armalias, and Shadowgate were being crushed, and becoming more unknown than
usual.  The rest were being crushed, and can't be described here because the post-it
that reminds me of their existence fell further behind my desk than usual.

      Elephant awoke with a start.  Of course it had been a dream, there are no
virginal chickens in Aradi.  He flipped on the light, and hopped out of bed.  "Wow
that was a good dream.  I'm gonna go get a glass of water."  He got out his
stepstool, and stood on his tiptoes so he could reach the doorknob.  Then he walked
into his kitchen and climbed up the ladder to his cupboard and grabbed a glass.
Maneuvering another stepstool into position he reached up to the sink and filled the
glass.  Taking a big drink, he thought to himself, "It sure sucks being the only
manager shorter than Death Stud".

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
         -----     -----     -----    Soultaker    -----     -----     -----

     Soultaker was just getting ready to open the door to Manalger's office when
Death Stud whispered.  "Hey, Artemis, shine that light over there, above the door."
Death Stud was pointing towards the entrance of the guildhouse.
     Soultaker shined the light above the door.  Engraved in large letters was the
quote, "Through these doors pass the greatest warriors in all of Alastari, MINE."
    "Well I'll be.  He really does think he is the best manager, doesn't he?"
Soultaker whispered.
     "He has a somewhat over-inflated opinion of his talents that's for sure," Stud
whispered back.  "I can't imagine what he tells his warriors.  Just reading that
makes me wonder if he has gone over the deep end."
     "I wonder if that came during his Dwayne the Dog period or his self-elevated
rise to sainthood period.  Not that it matters since we only have so much time and
have work to finish," Soultaker replied as he opened the door to Manalger's office.
     Death Stud closed the door behind him as he followed Soultaker into the office.
Soultaker quickly shined the light around the room.  Death Stud moved to the lamp on
the desk and struck a match to light it.  Soultaker made sure that the one window was
secure and no light would shine out.  Once the lamp was lit, the two managers went to
     "We don't have time to do all of these," Stud whined.
     "I never figured he would have this many," Soultaker commented.  "We need to get
started.  We'll do what we can."
     Stud handed Soultaker a hammer and chisel and he also got the same for himself.
They both started in on the multitude of statues adorning the room.  They were both
surprised at the easy of placing the letter 'L' in the name on all the effigies.
They had been working steady for about two hours before they finished with Manalger's
office.  As they were cleaning up and getting ready to leave, they heard a soft
tapping coming from somewhere in the back of the guildhouse.
     Worried that they might be discovered, Soultaker blew out the lamp and covered
the lantern.  Both remained quiet and still, waiting to see if they were found.  All
the while the tapping continued.  After what seemed an eternity, Soultaker decided
that they needed to get out of the building.
     As the two made their way to the window, Death Stud started creeping towards the
tapping sound.  "Where are you going?  Let's get out of here before someone catches
us," Soultaker whispered.  Already Stud was out of hearing range.  Soultaker just
shook his head and followed.  The two moved slowly towards the sounds, and their
movement was hampered by not having any light.  The noise was becoming louder as the
managers rounded a corner.  About half way down a long hallway was a person crouched
over, hammering at the base of one of the numerous statues of Manalger that lined
both sides of the passageway.  Death Stud eased down the hallway to the first statue.
He examined it to find that the mysterious figure was doing the same thing they were
doing.  Stud poked Soultaker in the ribs, pointing first at the altered name
"Manalger" and then at the dark figure.  Soultaker nodded and indicated they needed
to wait and see who it was.  It did not take long before the mystery man finished his
work on the statue and raised up.  The dim light in the hallway played off the face
for just an instant, but plenty long enough for both to intake sharp breaths of air.
Soultaker tugged at Stud as he backed away.  Both wasted little time making it back
to the widow and crawling out.  Neither of the two spoke as they hurried away from
the defiled guildhouse.
     They were about four blocks away when the two stopped.  "I can't believe what I
just saw," Soultaker gasped.
     "I know.  I almost fell over when I saw his face.  You think you have people
figured out and then something like this happens," Stud stammered.
     "Yeah who would have figured that someone from the inside would do our job for
us?" Soultaker chuckled.
     Death Stud laughed and added, "I agree.  I guess we will have to buy drinks next
time we see LHI."

         + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Indimar's Many Excuses ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Well, just when I thought I heard it all, Indimar surprised me.  Well, what the
hell, it's only a game.  When we decided to enter TOGS our only rule was to have fun.
I'm still having fun even though my partner submits his turns and spotlights at his
own leisure.  Actually he's carried our team for the first few turns so I guess there
isn't much I can say.  I'll give him a ribbing from time to time for this but no
biggie.  Somewhere in the back on my mind I knew this was coming.  I actually
expected it to be me not him though.  I also thought he was going to win a writing
award for some of his story lines that I sure he no doubt stole from one of the many
books he reads.  Must be nice having all that free time to read.
     Indimar's top 15 Excuses for not submitting his turn on time
     15 His dog ate his turnsheets
     14 Bought a new truck
     13 Drank too much Egg Nog
     12 Was delayed at a rest stop because he was "just peeing"
     11 Posted 200 "yo mama" jokes on DM.com
     10 Hung 10,000 lights in an effort to become the next Clark W. Griswald
      9 Was busy cleaning up Barnabas' mess
      8 Spent last turning writing a 200 line spotlight to ensure 31 limit
      7 Worked too much Over-time at his second job as a salad tosser
      6 Actually thought you eat Fruit Cake and ate himself sick
      5 Was busy sorting M&Ms by the letters W and M
      4 Has Elephant Envy
      3 His account balance looked liked California's deficit
      2 Assisted Hombre in trying on Scrods
     And the top reason Indimar didn't submit his spotlight....
     He is a SLACKER
     I got a kick out of Indy's 3 page spotlight last turn.  The story was very
accurate except for the fact that he got the names confused.  Go back and reread,
anywhere that says Elephant, should be Indimar and Indimar should be Elephant.
     Hombre, you're a very popular man in TOGS IV spotlights.  How many of those do
you actually read?  I'm still trying to understand the whole leg warmers thing.  Give
me a recap when time permits.
     OneDawg, I haven't heard much from you lately?  Where's that brother of yours?
What's he been out to these days?  I haven't seen him on the big screen yet but I
sure he's still trying.
     Catch you next time, same Elephant time, same Elephant channel.


                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
        -----     -----     -----    Death Stud    -----     -----     -----

     "Get up, get up!!!"  Nuln, adorned in his favorite Spongebob Underoos jammies,
jumped up and down on the bed where all the FONZ children were sleeping while dreams
of sugar plums danced in their heads.  "C'mon, it's time!  It's Christmas morning,
let's go open our presents!"  But, nobody was waking up.  "Up, it's time to get UP!"
Nulnie yelled at the top of his lungs, but all the other kids didn't even stir.  They
couldn't hear him over the raging noise filling the room.  Nulnie cursed a little
kiddie curse and pulled the pillow out from beneath Soultyke's head, knocking
Soully's fuzzy red and white Christmas cap off in the process.  Nuln jumped over
three tiny bodies to the far side of the bed where it sounded like there was a lion
fighting with a hippopotamus.  He held the pillow over Anti's face and sat on it and
the roar was slightly subdued.  Now it sounded like there was a lion fighting with a
hippopotamus under a pillow and Nuln tried again as loud as he could.  "HEY!  It's
Christmas morning, get up you guys!"
     Slowly the rest of the kids began stirring awake.  Anti's snoring stopped with
of "BWOOARGGAFLABAKGGGGERKWAR's" and merciful silence descended on the room.  The
only sound that remained was a soft slurping sound.  The sound was coming from
Ganolus.  Curled up into a tight ball, Ganolus had his blanky clenched tightly in his
chubby little fist, and was sucking his thumb as he slept.  Next to him, Inferno
groaned, put his hand over his eyes, and slowly whispered, "Aspirin.  Please, I need
some aspirin.  And water, too.  My mouth is so dry, it feel like camels have been
walking on my tongue."  He turned over, face down, and pulled his pillow down tightly
over his head, still moaning.
     Soultyke sat up and, noticing that his nightcap was gone, began looking around
for it.  Before he could find it, the rays from the lamp caught Soultyke's dome,
flashing light crazily around the room like a disco ball.  Junior Stud stirred and
mumbled sleepily, "Jeez mom, can you shut the curtains?  The sun is shining right in
my face."  Nuln had to close his eyes and turn away for fear of burning his retinas.
Soultyke found his fuzzy Christmas cap and pulled it down around his ears,
extinguishing the blinding beacon.
     Nulnie jumped up and down on the bed again.  "Come on, sleepyheads, let's go
downstairs and see what Santa Scrod brought us this year!  Ooooooh, I can't wait!"
He let out a little squeal and began to jump up and down while spinning around in a
circle.  Clearly, someone needed some Ridlin in their stocking this year.
     Junior Stud sat up and groggily rubbed his eyes.  "What time is it?"
     "It's time to get up and go downstairs, THAT's what time it is, you silly
goose."  Nulnie's voice was starting to rise and speed up from the excitement of
Christmas.  Junior Stud couldn't tell whether Nuln sounded more like, Alvin, Simon,
or like Theodore.
     Junior Stud got out of the oversized bed and went to the window.  He was still
rubbing sleep out of his eyes when peered outside then threw back the curtains.
"Damnit, Nulnie, it's still dark outside.  The sun is just starting to come up.  I
can't believe that you're waking everyone up this early, you freakin' spaz."  Nearly
everyone had stirred awake by now, though, so there was no use in trying to go back
to sleep.  In fact, Junior Stud was also excited about going down to see what he had
gotten for Christmas this year.  Junior Stud was at the window, Nulnie still standing
on the bed, and everyone except Little Hombre and Snotboy was awake and sitting up.
Those two had obviously rolled around a little during the night.  Little Hombre's arm
was thrown over Snotboy and the two of them were cuddled together, spooning
     Nuln boinged excitedly on the bed, "Presents, presents, presents, presents, I
want to open my pre-sents.  Get up Hombre.  Get up Snotty.  It's Christmas Day and I
can use the potty."  He giggled and clapped for his clever rhyme.
     Snotboy began to stir and noticed that realized that his back was warm and that
he had an arm over him.  He saw the rest of his friends sitting up and stretching
while Nulnie bounced absent-mindedly.  Snotboy extracted himself from his friend's
innocent spooning--however, leaving Hombre's arms and torso unfortunately smeared
with his mucus--then shook Hombre awake.
     Waking slowly, Little Hombre rolled over on his back and blinked a few times.
"Wow, I was having this wild dream that I was at the playground and those DOA kids
were there.  They wanted me to play with them instead of you guys and I wanted to do
it.  That bossy kid Manalger kid was going to give me all these cool toys, just for
hanging out with them.  Man, that was a cool dream..."  Suddenly he noticed the mucus
all over his belly and hands.  "Aw damn, this always happens when I have that dream."
     Soon all the FONZ kids were up and ready to go.  Most of them were wearing their
full-body jammies with feet, but Nulnie had his Underoos, Little Hombre his Toy Story
Woody the cowboy outfit, and Soultyke was immodestly wearing nothing but his
trademark pair of tighty-whities.  Nulnie was nearly dancing out of his skin with
anticipation by the time everyone was ready to head downstairs and see what Santa
Scrod had brought them and had worked the rest of them up into a similar state.  He
finally flung the door open and they all crowded out and began barreling down the
stairs.  Junior Stud was out in front, with Nulnie right on his heels as they all
rushed down the long flight of stairs to the main room where the tree and presents
were.  Little Hombre and Snotboy were following closely, jostling for position, while
the rest of the group spurred them on.  Despite the junior-sized jammies that had
been made for Studdie, they were still too big and the feet tended to flap a bit.  As
he streaked down the stairs, he tripped on the flapping jammie feet and turned into a
whirling ball of arms and legs down those stairs.  Unable to stop when Studdie
tripped, Nuln fell right on top of him, then all the rest followed.  The entire pile
of them tumbled down the stairs, and when they hit the bottom, skidded out across the
hardwood floor in the main living area, and slammed smack-dab into presents and tree.
Presents went flying and the Temple of Khorne Christmas tree teetered once, twice,
before finally settling back in its stand safely.  A couple of glass balls and wooden
ornaments fell to the ground from the shuddering tree.
     Too excited to worry about being hurt, the FONZlings scrabbled hastily to their
feet and began digging for their presents.  Ribbons flew and paper was shredded as
they greedily plowed through their gifts.  Junior Stud saw some of the presents the
other kids got as they opened them.  Inferno had gotten a pony keg with a nipple on
it and a beer stein sippy cup.  He also got a plastic Dorkland Razors football helmet
to protect his head when he fell down (which he did a lot).  A gift of necessity,
Nuln had gotten a very nice 'Fro pick with which to puff his nappy do.  On his nappy
cabeza, he was proudly sporting a new Chaos Baseball Cap (tm) and new high-top Chaos
Baseball Tennies with the rubber toe.  There was also a hardbound copy of "Pinochaos
and the Story of How He Became a Real Boy."  Hombre was trying on the pairs of
legwarmers he received, admiring them in his fancy new full-length mirror.  He had
been very excited when he opened the anatomically correct Tennis Pro Ken Doll with
scale racket and balls.  Ken had two buttons on his back.  When you pressed the first
one, he said, "Hey baby, want to ride in my Porsche?"  With the second one, he would
point with that cool finger and thumb gun gesture while winking and saying, "Yeah,
lookin' good."  Little Hombre parked Tennis Pro Ken next to him while trying on his
legwarmers so that Ken could see himself in the mirror as well.
     Ganolus had already opened an anger management role-playing game and thumbed
through his "Big Picture Book of Learning How to Play Nicely With Others."  But,
those constructive toys paled in the light of the best present he had received.  His
main present was a signed picture of his hero, Guardian the disrespected child action
movie star.  It also came with a 10-inch Guardian action figure with kung-fu grip and
Vaseline bottle in the other hand.  Ganolus had seen all of his hero's movies and was
playing Guardian with the doll.  He was lying on the ground, waving the doll's arms
around, making it say to Hombre's Ken doll things like, "I'll kick your butt," and
"You are an insignificant toad," and "Do you know who I am?"  Snotboy had gotten a
55-gallon drum of nasal spray and two hundred boxes of Kleenex, same as he did every
year.  But, he had gotten some very special gifts as well.  There was a PBS video
library series on DVD that he had asked for titled, "You and Your Mucus: Coping with
Being a Disgusting Freak of Nature."  He also had a toy that looked like a little boy
that oozed mucus from every pore whenever you squeezed it.  This was one of the
centerpieces from the "Dispelling the Body Myth: We're All Unique and Special In Our
Own Way" line of toys.  But his favorite present was a goat.  He had already named it
Wayne King and was riding it around the room, declaring it to be his "trusty steed"
and fighting unseen foes.
     Anti had set aside the giant anti-snoring apparatus (no pun intended) that
looked like a small hang glider with a head cradle and some hooks and tubes.  The box
had been marked "from Santa Scrod" but in reality the rest of the FONZlings had been
saving their allowance all year to help Santa out with that one.  Junior Stud had
given him the best present a kid could ask for.  It was an imaginary friend just for
him and had come in an otherwise seemingly empty box.  How did Junior Stud know what
he had wanted?!?  Anti and his imaginary friend were sitting and playing with his
second favorite toy.  It was a personalized Magic 8-Ball and Anti and his imaginary
friend giving it a workout.  <shake>  "Everyone picks on me."  <shake>  "My warriors
all suck."  <shake>  "My car is on fire."  <shake>  "WTF, my own TOGS partner is
challenging me?!?"  <shake>  Soultyke was a very lucky little boy.  He had received a
special present just for him from the beautiful A-Sop.  Her present to Soultyke was a
small, cylindrical present wrapped in shiny golden paper.  It contained a perfect
roll of two-ply toiler paper with a note with the words "For that brown spot on your
nose, Love A-Sop."  He hugged it to his chest, then carefully gave the tip of his
schnozz a safety wipe, beaming over his new gift.  The roll she had given him last
year had been depleted long ago.  He had set aside his new book to read later,
"Childhood Baldness: It's OK if You Look Stupid" and was excitedly showing his
presents to Inferno.  Inferno was impressed with the present from A-Sop, nodded
knowingly at the book, but was clearly not interested in a movie marathon consisting
of the full, unabridged Kojak series on DVD.
     Junior Stud looked around, happy to see all of his friend with great presents
that suited them each.  He was also ecstatic to have gotten the one present that he
REALLY, REALLY wanted.  When he opened the box, he couldn't believe that it was real.
Inside there was the biggest rooster that he had ever seen.  Beautiful reddish color
with a strong beak and a wingspan more than five feet across, this truly was a grand
rooster.  He would be the envy of all Aradi now!  It was perfect, exactly what he
wanted.  He had told Santa that he would be the happiest Stud in all of Alastari if
he could have just one thing.  He wanted to have a massive cock just like he'd seen
advertised in those emails.  He had been assured that all the girls would not be able
to resist him if he had one of those.  And now he did.  This was the best Christmas

            + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Forgotten Realms ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     The weather was clear the following morning, except for a green fog that lay
upon the lapping waters on the south side of the island...all that was left of the
Yoder he had slain the night before.  Armalias stood on the newly finished balcony of
his house in Aradi (all his houses had one, why should this one be any different?)
sipping his morning tea and trying hard to avoid the sight of three certain managers
stumbling along down the street below him.  He'd never understood the panic that set
in to people over such minor inconveniences as a storm or a lack of toilet paper, but
it happened on pretty much a regular basis...especially in places so close to Chaos
gates as was Aradi.
     After last night's attack, he knew he'd have to be especially vigilant.  The
Yoder's smell, he'd later determined, had been the only thing that gave it away.  A
less pungent adversary might have managed to get the drop on him as he'd allowed
himself to become too complacent.  'No more of that,' he thought to himself.  He'd
been a target of the Folstrom and many other minions of Chaos for millennia, and had
no desire to fall to one of their ilk, or any other ilk for that matter, after so
long a time living his life in opposition to those forces.
     The Folstrom were back, in force it seemed, using the various peoples of Ghea
against each other in an attempt to create enough anarchy in Alastari that they could
move in and take over once again.  They'd already launched a full-scale attack on his
homeland, Alfhame; but he'd gone back there for a time, taking almost all of his
gladiators with him when he went, and the invasion of his beloved island had been
thwarted.  The Folstrom had never forgiven the elves for the counter-spell they'd
taught the dragons those millennia ago, and while Armalias had been young then by elf
standards, he'd been a prime contributor to the defeat of that group of oppressors,
the slavers of another age.  He'd stood side-by-side with Sheila Greywand and helped
lead the defeat over the Folstrom.
     Alfhame had won a resounding victory, especially when backed by 50 Lord
Protectors, some of which were in the upper ranks of Primus at the time.  The Eyes
didn't hold magic there together as it did in Alastari, it was tied to the land and
the people and their Queen, so when the Folstrom attacked, thinking that their magic
would easily overpower that of the elves, they were terribly surprised.  The elven
armies, once again led by Armalias Skyhawk, defended their homes like a cornered
badger, and the Folstrom were forced back through the Gate they'd used to come back
to Ghea.  Their fleet had been forced to sail away, as the Gate they'd used had been
closer to Alastari, near the Great Glacier.  The elven fleet had given chase and
managed to sink all but the Folstrom flagship, which made it to an alternate Gate and
escaped.  Armalias hadn't known where the Gate led, but closed it anyway, not wanting
to give chase into the unknown, preferring to strand the enemy wherever they'd chosen
to go.
     But that was in the past, he had to worry about the present, even if it was
linked to his two previous wars with the Folstrom.  If they were indeed behind this
most recent attack, Aradi itself could very well be in danger of an invasion.  It was
certainly possible that they were trying to take him out before hand, as his
experience against them would prove invaluable to anyone trying to defend against
them.  He'd have to spend some time talking to someone he really didn't care for now,
and that made him more angry than just about anything that could have happened.  He
hated Chaos Lords almost as much as he hated Folstrom.

Later that day...

     Nuln sat high in his grand tower, its many spires reaching higher than any other
structure in Aradi.  The black and red stone that the structure had been built with
gave the edifice an evil and bloody look, which is exactly what was needed for this
spotlight.  The dread Chaos Lord sat in a high backed throne made of human bones
wearing a crown-like helm fashioned from the skull of a small dragon, complete with
some of the green scales still attached to form a kind of coif covering the back of
his neck and throat.  His eyes were glowing in the same green as the orb in Heavy
Metal, the light pulsing with each beat of his cold, dark heart.  He was every inch
the powerful Chaos Lord he was meant to be, not the silly stooge as he was so often
depicted in spotlights.
     Armalias strode boldly into Nuln's throne room, ignoring the two guards and the
huge wolf-like Chaos Hound that rose to meet him.  With a negligent wave from Nuln,
the two warriors (and a third carefully concealed behind the black and green curtain
that hung behind the throne) stepped back, allowing the elf to pass.  The Hound,
however, moved to stand beside his master, who laid a heavy hand across the beast's
neck, stoking the coarse gray and yellow fur.
     "Greetings, Nuln, Dread Lord of Chaos," Armalias said with a bow.
     "Oh come now, Armalias, dispense with the titles," Nuln answered, his voice
powerful despite the slight lisp.  "We've no need of that sort of thing here now, do
we?"  It was a statement more than a question.
     "Very well, Nuln," the elf replied.  "You know why I've come?"
     Nuln's eyes squinted and his mouth turned up at one corner as he watched the
confident elf standing in front of him.  Of course he knew, it concerned him
directly, and he always knew about the things that concerned him.  "As a matter of
fact, no, I do not know what has prompted this visit, so why don't we just get this
over with so we don't have to force ourselves to be nice any longer than necessary."
     Armalias grimaced and his body tensed at the jibe, but he let it go since it
was, after all, exactly what he wanted anyway.  "Where can I find the Chaos Gate here
in Aradi?"
     Nuln smiled all the wider that the elf had had to ask.  Had he simply offered up
the information like the silly elf had wanted him to do, he would have no hold over
him.  But now that he'd asked, he would at least have the opportunity to try to take
advantage of the situation.  "So, you want me to reveal to you my means of easily
drawing power from the realms of Chaos so that you may close it to keep Aradi safe
from nasty Yoders and Hounds and the many other creatures and powers that may choose
to use it to wreak havoc here.  Does that about sum it up?"
     Armalias gave him a wilting look, seeing that he wasn't about to get a straight
answer from Nuln, as he should have expected.  "Actually, I'm worried a lot more
about the Folstrom than any weakling creatures of Chaos."
     The Hound growled its displeasure and Nuln rapped it hard across the head,
causing the creature to turn toward him and hiss, dropping to its belly in reluctant
submission.  Nuln's smile, however, did not diminish.  "I noted your little display
last night," he said, trying to throw the elf off the subject.  " I just want you to
know, the Yoder wasn't sent by the Folstrom.  It was sent by..."
     He tried to leave the statement hanging, but there was a sudden commotion in the
hallway followed by a loud roar and a huge rumbling crash as something huge moved
through the tower, obviously drawing closer.  The two guards at the door turned their
gaze quickly to their master, then each other, then stormed out of the room to meet
whatever it was that was coming.
     Nuln stood up from his seated position, towering over Armalias from his position
on the dais.  "My guards are about to die," he stated matter-of-factly.  "You and I
must face this horror together, then we will se about the Gate."
     Armalias nodded grimly, drawing both his swords in one graceful motion.  He'd
appeared to be unarmed a moment earlier.  "Something wicked this way comes?" he asked
     Nuln turned to him, no trace of a smile on his face any longer.  Armalias was
more taken aback by that fact than by just about anything Nuln could have said to him
at that moment...except for what the Chaos Lord said, of course.  "Wicked?  Oh yes,
one of my favorite pets from long ago, unleashed now on Alastari by the enemy you
fear and that I must now help you destroy, as the attack has begun in my home.
Welcome, Elflord, the eating machine you know as...the Tarrasque."

        + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ "A Bit of Vintage Tripe" ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "By the gods," a tall, dark-eyed and gaudily dressed man exclaimed, "we've got
     Krells, a mostly bald, stunted looking fellow with a slight hunch and a
beleagured smile dropped the noose and bear trap he had been carrying and began
clapping his hands enthusiastically.
     Two other men, Katas Fairogen and Vel Olifiansillas, stood in front of Krells
and the dark-eyed man, both slowly relaxing out of tense positions and keeping their
glaring eyes on the captured "thing" in front of them.  The two sage looking men
gripped odd arcane components in their fists, one a set of gory bells fashioned out
of the dried husks of cow eyes, the other a shock of burnt grain and the entrails of
some hapless lizard.
     Onedawg, the Last Scion of the Da'awginori, sat spasming before his four
captors, the wraith's billowing essence coalescing at his incorporeal feet into a
mass of gently waving mist.  Every few seconds or so, a ripple of vibrant electrical
energy shot its way up the wraith's body until it dissipated near to its lolling
     Katas turned to face the dark-eyed man raising his head in a noble and righteous
manner, though the ritualistic bone through his nose and different colored eyes did
much to extinguish that image.
     "I 'ix-pect to be pay'ed now," Katas spoke, displaying a rich velvety accent.
     "Why," the dark-eyed man paused still admiring his hirelings' work, "you already
have, remember!?  Our deal insured that you would have the full amount beforehand,
thus, leaving only your part of the deal to be sealed."
     "And it haz?" Vel piped in showing no less of an accent than his surrogate
brother's, Katas.
     "Heh-heh, my dear brothers," the dark-eyed man began with an uneasy familiarity,
sliding his arms around the two mages' shoulders. "You both know the terms, and
certainly be it far beyond me to deny our agreements, but if the job proved more
deserving of a higher payment sum, then chalk this one up to experience and be sure
to ask your employer, next time, what the job entails before you take him up on it."
     Katas and Vel both wiggled out of the dark-eyed, and glib-tongued man's embrace
and eyed him suspiciously.
     "Very vell," Katas replied, "Ve shall take our leavez, but kip us in mind for ze
future, lest ve put a stasis spell on you!"
     The dark-eyed man bowed graciously as the two mages strode off out of the woods
and back to Aradi proper, his mouth miming curses at the mages' backs with his head
down.  Krells murmured a sound of worry from behind and the dark-eyed man whirled to
face the captured wraith.
     "At last, I am to meet the great ghost stalking our hills, though I have watched
you for some days now," the dark-eyed man approached.  "Oh posh!  Where are my
manners?  I am Rainyer, Fash Rainyer.  And though I know who you are, spirit, I doubt
you can even speak after what my mages did to you."
     Onedawg twitched as an arc of red electricity traced his wispy arm, "I am
     Rainyer and Krells leapt back as the wraith spoke.
     "You CAN speak!" Fash exclaimed.  "Unbelievable, though not impossible I guess."
Rainyer shot a glance at Krells to make sure he was still there.
     "In any case," Rainyer went on, suddenly becoming very gruff.  "I demand your
services, spirit, such that you are now bound to your captor, ME, for a term of seven
years and seven days."
     A sobering silence followed, wherein the electricity that had been flowing over
Onedawg's body ceased.
     "Uhh," Rainyer looked down at a scrawl of smudged ink on his palm and forearm.
"At least, that's what the legends and ancient sayings proclaim."
     Onedawg emitted what seemed a low growl.
     "Hold, foul demon or creature of the Chaos, I know not what!  But hear me out
first, 'fore you bring down your abyssal wrath upon us," Rainyer shouted throwing a
hand out at the spirit.
     Onedawg looked down his brow at the shifty Raltuman, "What do you know of the
Chaos, mortal?"
     Rainyer perked up intelligently, "I know there exists a Chaos Gate on this
     "And what is it you want of me?"
     Rainyer grinned, "Now that deserves some explaining."
     Earlier that same day, Fash Rainyer and his dumb friend, Krells, sat sulking in
the belly of their favorite local tavern called the Swelling Sails in Aradi.  A load
of trade fisherman and coral hunters had docked the previous night and were causing a
ruckus here and there, not the least of which was centered around the tavern....
     "Say, pot-scrubber," a mangy sailor yelled into Rainyer's ear as a mug crashed
into the bar side from across the room.  "Ye still swabbin' outhouses for that Old
Horatio Dunsel now and ag'in?"
     Fash winced at the noise.
     "No, that not been an occupation o' mine for some time now I'd guess," Rainyer
     The sailor sobered at Rainyer's lackluster response.
     "Ehr now, that's not the kind-y talk I been expectin' to hear from yer
guttermouth.  Where's the whoop 'n holler?" the sailor asked seriously.
     Krells whimpered.
     Rainyer shook his head slowly.
     A firm slap in the back took Rainyer from his seat as a yet another tavern
patron claimed his ear for their words of greeting.
     "Aye now, ye ain't turnin' down another o' those invitations to romantic
evenings with a fellow gent, is ya there ole Fashy boy?" a burly tradesman who
smelled of stiff liquor announced.
     Krells whimpered again.
     "Naw, that be a job better suited for Krells here," Rainyer replied getting back
onto his stool, "though I'd wager good Lord Simion would fancy just that kind of
pairing for the likes of meself," he finished, with just a drop of sarcasm in
reference to Lord Simion.
     "Ah, gainin' the nobles' enmity has always been your trade," the burly tradesman
     Rainyer shook his head, "Aye, and it will be a long time coming before I come
out from beneath Lord Simion's debt."
     Several chuckles arose from the eavesdroppers nearby.
     Rainyer winced at the response, for he knew that far too much of the community
had come into the know about his predicament.  A few days ago, Lord Simion's men had
forcibly taken a bit of skin from his "bedding twig" as a humiliating component in a
curse meant to keep Rainyer at Lord Simion's beck and call.
     Rainyer shivered that memory away.
     "Mayhaps we be changin' the subject fer yer sake," the sailor said.  "What news
about that ghost ye been spyin' lately?"
     Rainyer sighed, "Nothing but the fact that the sages I have hired have
discovered the thing's name and a bit of its past, 'valuable pieces of information'
they say, and even devised a way of capturing it, should I ever see the need."
     Krells suddenly became excited as he stood up on his stool and flashed a piece
of parchment in Rainyer's face.
     "What, Krells stop it!" Rainyer snatched the parchment from the disfigured man's
grasp.  A few chuckles went up around him directed towards Krells, as Fash's eyes
scrolled the notice.  The T#$S Tournament.  Rainyer then looked up with realization
on his face.
     "Krells, you're a genius!"
     "And you wish for me to manage a team for the T#$S in your stead, doing what you
cannot because of Lord Simion's decree," Onedawg proposed after hearing the rest of
the story.  "And thus, when it is all over, you claim this will restore social favor
for you in the eyes of Lord Simion and lift the curse upon your head?"
     Rainyer nodded his head enthusiastically, "A wild plan, yes, but one that can be
satisfied with your acceptance.  Er, rather, the plan was that you would have no
choice, though I can see now that my hired help was less successful in bending you to
my will then I had hoped."
     "And in return?" Onedawg ventured ominously.
     "I shall provide you with the location of the Chaos Gate on this island,"
Rainyer added while Krells emphasized the point by pointing in two different
directions.  "Moreover, I will take you there meself."
     "Very well, you have my aid."

                + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Wing Hove ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Indimar leaned on the rear counter of The Scrod Shoppe and looked around in
dismay.  The New Years Day Sale had been a huge success but it had left the shop
looking like a war zone.  The Togswear section had been the main focus of the sale
and was now the epicenter of the wreckage that had reached every corner of the
showroom.  There were shelves to be restocked, clothing to be refolded, displays to
put back together and even broken glass to be cleaned up.  Indimar still felt badly
about charging Death Stud for that Golden Scrod Mug, but then again, the Stud should
have asked for help if he wanted something off the top of the counter.
     "Are you sure you don't mind me taking off early?" asked Elephant as he came out
of the back room.
     "I'm sure.  Now go on and get out of here.  The shop is only open another hour
and I should be able to clean things up in four or five hours.  You just run along to
your dart match," replied Indimar through a forced grin.
     As Elephant turned and left the shop Indimar could hear him chuckling.  He
wondered how long the little heathen was going to make him pay for not fighting last
turn.  Knowing Elephant he was sure it would be quite some time.
     With a final look around at the task that lay before him Indimar headed for the
back room to get a box of the tunics emblazoned with the likenesses of the different
warriors competing in TOGS.  All the shirts had been selling well, but Two In The Goo
seemed especially popular with the ladies.  As he pulled the box he wanted off the
shelf, Indimar was startled by the sound of the front door to the shop.  Great, he
thought, just what I need, another customer.  Before he could get back to the front
room Indimar heard a loud voice yelling, "Am I gonna get some service around here or
do I have to start crackin some skulls?  I'm almost a member of the Fonz and I want
to see a little action!"
     Indimar was not the least bit surprised to find Barnabas was the owner of the
loud voice.  He was somewhat shocked to see that the wild eyed manager had only added
two or three tattoos since the last time they had crossed paths a couple of days ago.
Maybe he was running out of space for new ones, thought Indimar.
     "What can I do for you today, Barnabas?"
     "That's right!  Heh...heh...heh!  You better ask what you can do for me...BOY!
What you can do is give me a couple o' packs of scrod plant rolling papers."
     "You know we only sell rolling papers for use with tobacco products.  Scrod
plants are a controlled substance."
     "Whatever, son, just give me my papers," demanded Barnabas.
     "You want orange or white?" asked Indimar
     "White, of course.  And you better make it a case, amigo."
     "You want a case of rolling papers?" asked Indimar in disbelief.  "I will have
to order some for you, I don't keep that much here."
     "In that case just give me what you have and set me up with a standing order for
a case a week...BOY!"
     Indimar rang up Barnabas for the papers and was making a note to order more when
he heard Barnabas clear his throat.  Indimar knew he was about to hear that same
question he had been hearing from everyone for the last week and a half.
     "What the hell happened to you last turn?" asked Barnabas.
     "It was all a big mistake...hey, was that Soultaker I just saw walk past the
     "Just have those papers delivered to my place," said Barnabas as he bolted out
the door.  "Hey, Soultaker...wait up, buddy....  It's me...the all powerful one...."
     Works every time, thought Indimar as he headed for the back room.

                                 DUELMASTER'S COLUMN
                             Notes from the arena champ.

Hail, my fellow gladiators.  It's great to be on top finally.  I've been challenging
for this spot for three turns and finally got my shot.  Obviously I made the most of
my challenge.  I have to commend Blackcat for an awesome fight.  I really thought I
could beat him but never did; I think it would take that long to do it.  I imagine
I'll be here a few turns and then off to the tourney and AD for me.  Good luck to all
you that try to take my throne next turn.  I won't give it up easily.  I applaud
everyone for such a great TOGS tourney so far.  Looks like it's going to be a tough contest to win.  My challenge will go to one of you wanna be lungers beneath me.
Seems like we are ruling to top now so one of you will get my challenge.  See ya next
     Llosmic Llammer

                                      SPY REPORT

     Greetings, Warriors of ARADI.  Allow this humble servant Novgorodny Vir to give 
you a respite from the fights in the form of this Spyreport.  Nothing is certain in 
ARADI, with changing loyalties, changing Duelmasters.  Write this down:  new top 
team--4000 BLOWS.  Managers were muttering after HIT ME WITH... showed ARADI what 
they could do:  4-1-0 to move up by 22.  Perhaps it is WILD CARDS members' 
intannibility that enabled them to move from 24th to 13th last week...  (Less time in 
the sun...) Like a chunk of francium heaved into a wet pond, 5 BELOW ZERO blew up the 
rankings to 14!  Managers were muttering after INNSMOUTH BROOD showed ARADI what they 
could do:  2-3-0 to move up by 13.  The boys at LEGALESE aren't the happy-go-lucky 
bunch we all know and love, after suffering a 13 drop last week.  Rumor has it an 
incurable disease has swept the stable of BLOOD RELATED.  Note their drop in the 
rankings from 6th to 22nd.  Watch out!!!  Thinking about sending their team manager 
to the Dark Arena is DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2, after suffering a 11 drop in ranking.  
WING HOVE posted a nice gain, to come in 9th.  Everybody loves a winner...  ARADI'S 
DEAD had cause to celebrate, after GODFREY got 27 points by beating SOMFMA.  Win 
some, lose some.  Speaking of which, TALON was winsome, after beating PIPSQUEAK and 
seeing him lose 14 points.  LLOSMIC LLAMMER found out being ARADI's Duelmaster isn't 
all nuts and berries, receiving 7 challenges!  Duelmaster LLOSMIC LLAMMER from 
LUROCIANS VI is going for the gold, as he TV challenged THIEVES GUILD's ACUTE.  Ooh, 
the excitement!  ACUTE found out that ARADI isn't a democracy.  You've gotta be the 
best to be Duelmaster here!  So who's the team that's been walking into taverns last 
week and ordering milk?  Sounds like a PR stunt to me.   
     My mother wished me to avoid conflict, and seek the gentle trade of Spyreporter. 
But warriors aren't supposed to avoid fights!  To quell some nasty rumors, the guys 
in WILD CARDS are not carrying any incurable diseases.  No need to avoid 'em.  As a 
woman of good breeding scorns the "warriors" of THE UPSTARTS III, so did that sorry 
team shy from WILD CARDS Call 'im brash!  Call 'im brassy!  Call 'im brave!  Call 'im 
sassy!  WINKER X will face THUNDRA, up by 29.  Aaaah, just call 'im dead meat.  
THUNDRA had a quite go of it, putting WINKER X in his place.  Do my ears deceive me?  
GAZREKK (outclassed by 27 points) challenged TOO ICKY, in what promises to be a 
fight.(!) The gods smiled upon GAZREKK, in its upset fight against TOO ICKY.  GAZREKK 
gets a win, 13 points, and a free drink on me.  (Next week, OK?)  
     The moving sword slashes, and having slashed, moves on...  Citizens of ARADI, be 
sure to settle your debts with IVAN of FORGOTTEN REALMS.  He's relocating to the Dark 
Arena and has other things on his mind!  Sober up, young warriors, and take note of 
NUMSKULL's fate!  MARDUK of FACES OF ETERNITY handily did it in.  Experience counts 
for something on ARADI's sands.  Congratulations, RIFF.  The manager of RED DOG GANG 
should have sent BULL DOGGAM to the Dark Arena for having a 18-29-0 long ago.  I get 
a special thrill from seeing innocent boy like ANASTASIUS from DARQUE AGES get 
pointlessly killed.  Good show, BARON!  (No mercy.) Alas, poor SOMFMA.  We all know 
OGRES ARE US' retirement plan isn't the best in the world.  GODFREY, may you be as 
missed when your time comes.  SOMFMA of OGRES ARE US put away GODFREY of ARADI'S 
DEAD.  Let's hope Lady Luck continues to smile upon GODFREY!  Justice was served as 
MARDUK fought NUMSKULL in bloodfeud.  Well done, FACES OF ETERNITY!  Charity is 
unknown in ARADI, and rightly so.  THE UPSTARTS III exacted their revenge against MY 
BEST BUDS 2.  Oh hard!  that to strike a flame, the match itself must needs be 
     Do not think spyreporting in ARADI is the highlight of my life.  As the seasons 
change, and the creatures of the wild change also, so do I feel a yearning to leave 
this place.  ARADI, I leave you now.  The Duelmaster has agreed to foot my bill at 
The Blind Cyclops Inn.  'Til next time-- Novgorodny Vir  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 LLOSMIC LLAMMER 5684         16  10  1   123       LUROCIANS VI (431)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 BLACKBURST 5025              13  12  0   141       FA CHING (388)
 THUNDRA 5122                 19  12  1   138       FA CHING (388)
 SYRINGE 6003                 16   6  0   120       BLOOD RELATED (395)
 SIR ZESTALOT 6557            12   4  0   110       4000 BLOWS (107)
 RIFF 6452                    11   6  2   110       SWIFT CURRENT (468)
 GAZREKK 6438                 11   6  2   104       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 THE AYL'M'ER 6056            12  12  0   100       4000 BLOWS (107)
-UNDERGROUND BEAT 6083        18  21  1    98       CLUB CULTURE (424)
 LLLENGEANCE 5864             13   7  2    97       LUROCIANS VI (431)
 ACUTE 6048                   12   7  0    97       THIEVES GUILD (396)
 SICK PUPPY 5959              12  11  1    94       ARADI'S DEAD (393)
 HEADROCK 3430                16  16  0    93       OGRES ARE US (270)
 QUICKSAND 6554               11   6  1    93       NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
-CHIP 4413                     5   5  0    92       RESCUE RANGERS (362)
 LORD OF THE O RINGS 6022     20  10  1    91       WILD CARDS (148)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 WINKER X 6470                11   9  0    90       4000 BLOWS (107)
 ACK ACK 837                   9   5  2    88       THE UNDERWORLD (15)
-RATTLESNAKE SHAKE 4242       18  12  0    87       METAL MELTDOWN (344)
-THE SPOTLIGHT 6329           15  15  1    86       CLUB CULTURE (424)
 GUMMI GHOUL 6411              9   3  1    84       THE UPSTARTS III (510)
 AVIENDHA 4721                18  19  0    82       FA CHING (388)
 WHITE RAVEN 6484             11   7  1    81       SHADOW SIGNS (491)
 BOONE 6090                   12  40  0    76       RED DOG GANG (476)
 LACHES 5642                  12  11  0    76       LEGALESE (449)
 NEWCASTLE 6669                8   4  3    76       BEERBARIANS (528)
 THORNE 5259                  10   3  0    75       FA CHING (388)
 THE BRICK 6342                7   2  0    74       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 KABOOM 6248                   5   0  0    71       RED AVENGERS (487)
 SIRIUS 6193                  15  22  1    68       RED DOG GANG (476)
 BLACK EYE 6163               12  10  0    68       JOKA MASHER! (283)
 LLUGS AND LLISSES 5887        9   7  1    68       LUROCIANS VI (431)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 TALON 6736                    6   1  0    66       WING HOVE (529)
 WIND 5906                     8   2  0    65       FIVE SPHERES (462)
 NOODLES 6247                  3   2  0    65       RED AVENGERS (487)
 TRIPLICATE THUNDER 6616       8   7  0    62       WILD CARDS (148)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 OBITER DICTA 5860             9   7  1    61       LEGALESE (449)
 CYVIN 5258                    9   6  1    60       FA CHING (388)
 SMIRLIN 6568                 10  10  0    59       OGRES ARE US (270)
 BARON 6765                    7   3  1    59       LOCK-OUT (368)
-SPIT 6435                     5   1  0    59       METAL MELTDOWN (344)
 SLIPKNOT 6674                 5   7  0    59       THIEVES GUILD (396)
 DEMURRER 5828                11   9  2    58       LEGALESE (449)
 MC CAIN 6662                  8   4  0    58       POWER BROKERS (527)
 BRAK 94                      12  10  1    57       THE UNDERWORLD (15)
 SYDA HAMMIE 6667             10   3  0    57       OGRES ARE US (270)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 GODFREY 6354                  5   5  1    56       ARADI'S DEAD (393)
 BUSH 6663                     7   5  1    54       POWER BROKERS (527)
 BLUE BEANIE 6461              8   9  1    53       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 DREK 836                      7   7  0    53       THE UNDERWORLD (15)
 LLUPERIOR LLORCES 5956        6   3  0    52       LUROCIANS VI (431)
 NAPPY DUGOUT 6080            12  15  0    51       WILD CARDS (148)
 PIPSQUEAK 6810                6   2  0    51       WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
 MURRAY 6661                   7   5  0    50       POWER BROKERS (527)
 SCABBY 6514                  10   8  0    48       BLOOD RELATED (395)
 MARBURY 4499                 10   7  0    47       LOCK-OUT (368)
 RIP RAP 6599                  7   5  0    47       SWIFT CURRENT (468)
 GOLDFISH 6718                 6   5  0    47       SHADOW SIGNS (491)
 MARDUK 6863                   3   3  1    47       FACES OF ETERNITY (539)
 HELMS 6660                    8   4  3    46       POWER BROKERS (527)
 TWO IN THE GOO 6826           3   3  0    46       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 MISTRESS BOMBTRONIC 6617      9   6  1    44       WILD CARDS (148)
 SON OF BLOODLUST 6823         7   1  0    43       4000 BLOWS (107)
 TYVINREK 6513                 6   5  0    43       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 LLUCKY DAY 6021               6   3  0    42       LUROCIANS VI (431)
 SUPERNOVA 6239                4   1  0    42       RED AVENGERS (487)
 KARATE WRECKER 6693           3   8  0    42       THIEVES GUILD (396)
 LEO 6837                      4   1  0    41       DARQUE AGES (536)
 JAMIS 6735                    5   2  1    40       WING HOVE (529)
 GOURMET GRUEL 6730            5   5  0    40       R.J.G. (475)
 SPONGEBOB 6504                8   3  0    36       R.J.G. (475)
 TEACUP TERRIER 6569           7  13  1    35       RED DOG GANG (476)
 TWISTER 6114                  7   6  0    35       ARADI'S DEAD (393)
 TOGS STINKER 6588             6   5  0    35       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 ROSENCRANTZ 6786              4   5  0    35       BLACK FRIARS (521)
 ZERBERT 6243                  4   1  0    34       RED AVENGERS (487)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 MAUI WOWIE! 6907              4   2  1    33       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 HENRY IV 6899                 4   3  0    33       BLACK FRIARS (521)
 TAY STARLE 6808               3   3  2    33       WING HOVE (529)
 VORPAL BUNNY 6731             4   6  0    32       R.J.G. (475)
 FRUB 6794                     4   5  0    32       WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
 4-FT PARTY BONG 6908          3   3  0    32       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 DERRIN 6952                   3   1  0    31       WING HOVE (529)
-TRICK OR TREAT 4667           3   2  0    30       MINATOUR KINGS (379)
 IKER 6505                     7   4  0    29       R.J.G. (475)
 PIKEL 5808                    7   4  0    29       FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
 GUILDENSTERN 6785             4   5  1    29       BLACK FRIARS (521)
 WURL POOLE 6799               2   1  0    29       SWIFT CURRENT (468)
 FREEP 6812                    4   4  0    28       WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
 VIKEN 6943                    3   2  0    28       LOSERS (544)
 ANDROGENOUS STRAIN 6412       5   6  0    27       THE UPSTARTS III (510)
 FLORIN FALCONHAND 5750        4   9  0    27       FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
-KLEPTO SLACKER 6516           2   0  0    27       ARADI'S DEAD (393)
 HERROL 6694                   5   3  0    26       WING HOVE (529)
 TYPHOON XXII 6827             5   1  0    26       DEATH STUDS VII (301)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-LIPOSANCTUM 6351              1   1  0    26       BATTLEFIELD GIRTH (504)
 INSISTANT BEGGAR 6630         6   3  0    25       BUMS 'R' US (465)
 DICHABOD 6912                 3   4  0    25       THIEVES GUILD (396)
 DUNNO 6988                    2   1  0    25       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 SHARP STICK 6949              2   3  0    25       I'M WITH STUPID (531)
 HOSCHA 6835                   4   3  0    24       OGRES ARE US (270)
 GRAFFIX 6909                  4   2  0    24       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 DOVE FALCONHAND 5770          5   7  1    23       FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
 SANDSTORM 6813                4   3  0    23       NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
 TOGS LOSER 6619               2   7  0    23       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 OBED 6831                     4   1  1    22       INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
 MR OBLIVIOUS 6413             3   7  0    22       THE UPSTARTS III (510)
 XXX 6975                      3   1  0    22       SHADOW SIGNS (491)
 WEED 4 MOM 6984               2   2  0    22       LOCK-OUT (368)
 SCRAG 6972                    3   1  0    21       LOSERS (544)
 STRANGLEMEELMO 6762           2   0  1    21       5 BELOW ZERO (532)
 NECROMANCER XLVII 6825        1   5  0    21       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
-DALE 4406                     1   0  0    21       RESCUE RANGERS (362)
 T-MAC 6806                    4   5  0    19       LOCK-OUT (368)
 BING 6979                     4   0  0    19       I'M WITH STUPID (531)
 BIGGEST PETE 6985             3   1  0    19       LOCK-OUT (368)
-MOON BABY 6187                2   3  0    19       ARADI'S DEAD (393)
 HELL MARY 6760                2   0  0    19       5 BELOW ZERO (532)
-SPINNING 6710                 5   2  1    18       CLUB CULTURE (424)
 TA'LON THE VILE 4447          2   1  0    18       THE UNDERWORLD (15)
 BLACK RUSSIAN 6936            2   0  0    18       THIRSTY THUGS (543)
 TWICKLEBUM 6992               2   1  0    18       WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
 WATER 5905                    3   2  0    17       FIVE SPHERES (462)
 ANGRY SUE 6955                2   3  0    17       RED AVENGERS (487)
 DUSTSTORM 6814                1   6  0    17       NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
-TUFF 4665                     2   4  0    16       MINATOUR KINGS (379)
 LANCELOT 6867                 2   4  0    16       FACES OF ETERNITY (539)
 SILVER BELLS 7014             1   0  0    16       SHADOW SIGNS (491)
 CYCLONE 6816                  3   4  0    15       NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
 ASSHE-MASTER 7000             3   0  0    15       4000 BLOWS (107)
 BLOODY HELL 6821              2   6  0    15       BLOOD RELATED (395)
 QUETZACOATYL 6865             2   4  0    15       FACES OF ETERNITY (539)
-CHOCOLATE STARFISH 6457       2   1  0    15       BATTLEFIELD GIRTH (504)
-RASPBERRY STOLI 6860          2   2  0    15       CLUB CULTURE (424)
 DUNWICH 6833                  1   3  0    15       INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
 TOSSED SALAD 6987             1   2  0    15       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 ANGRY SANTA 6828              3   3  0    14       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 ARKHAM 6832                   2   2  0    14       INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
-55 SUCKS MORE 6956            1   3  0    13       JOKA MASHER! (283)
 GROVER 7004                   1   1  0    13       I'M WITH STUPID (531)
 BLUD 7012                     1   0  0    13       5 BELOW ZERO (532)
 THE-SHOCKER 6824              2   4  0    12       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 NAMBY PAMBY 6977              2   2  0    12       WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
 MR. NEGATIVITY 6764           1   1  0    12       5 BELOW ZERO (532)
 ZANN 6830                     2   3  0    11       INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
 THE FRENCH 7011               1   1  0    11       LOSERS (544)
 BONG 6980                     3   1  0    10       I'M WITH STUPID (531)
 MARSH 6829                    2   3  1    10       INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
 INNOCENT 6838                 2   3  0    10       DARQUE AGES (536)
 HANGMAN 6761                  1   1  0    10       5 BELOW ZERO (532)
 RAAM MANSLAYER 4306           2   3  0     9       THE UNDERWORLD (15)
 ORIGINAL SHOCKER 6959         2   3  0     9       WILD CARDS (148)
 PIP THE TROLL 6942            2   3  0     9       LOSERS (544)
 FLICKED BOOGERS 6989          2   1  0     9       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 THOMPSON 6970                 2   2  0     9       POWER BROKERS (527)
-ELIZABETH TRAILER 6348        1   0  0     9       BATTLEFIELD GIRTH (504)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 S.L.A.P.P. 6974               2   2  0     8       LEGALESE (449)
 SANDY BEACH 6957              2   2  0     8       SWIFT CURRENT (468)
 VICIOUS RUMOR 6981            2   2  0     8       R.J.G. (475)
 WILDFIRE 6983                 2   2  0     8       NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
 ZYLLEIX'S SHADE 6939          1   4  0     7       SHADOW SIGNS (491)
 BLOODY MESS 6969              1   3  0     6       BLOOD RELATED (395)
 INSANITY 6973                 1   3  0     6       LEGALESE (449)
-URG THE UNCLEAN 6954          0   4  0     6       BLACK FRIARS (521)
 SIXTUS 6840                   0   5  0     5       DARQUE AGES (536)
-ADRIANO 5005                  1   1  0     4       MINATOUR KINGS (379)
-IAGO 6997                     1   1  0     4       BLACK FRIARS (521)
 SQUIRTY JOE 7008              0   2  0     2       THE UPSTARTS III (510)
-MEASLE 6966                   0   2  0     2       PLAGUE BEARER (545)
-RUBELLA 6967                  0   2  0     2       PLAGUE BEARER (545)
-HIV 6968                      0   2  0     2       PLAGUE BEARER (545)
-POX 6964                      0   2  0     2       PLAGUE BEARER (545)
 MAIMONIDES 7010               0   2  0     2       FACES OF ETERNITY (539)
 LEGS ANDARMS 7020             0   1  0     1       THIEVES GUILD (396)
 INDIMAR'S FAXMACHINE 7013     0   1  0     1       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 LEAKY THE CLOWN 7021          0   1  0     1       THE UPSTARTS III (510)
 TERRA 7018                    0   1  0     1       FIVE SPHERES (462)
 FLAME 7017                    0   1  0     1       FIVE SPHERES (462)
 URLGEN THREE-FIST 7019        0   1  0     1       FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
-ZIPPER 4404                   0   1  0     1       RESCUE RANGERS (362)
-PURGE 2 6404                  0   1  0     1       BATTLEFIELD GIRTH (504)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD               W  L K TEAM NAME             SLAIN BY             TURN Revenge?
ANASTASIUS 6839        4  1 2 DARQUE AGES 536       BARON 6765            328         
HAMMURABI 7009         1  1 0 FACES OF ETERNITY 539 TAY STARLE 6808       328         
ALEXANDER 6864         1  3 0 FACES OF ETERNITY 539 TAY STARLE 6808       326         
ATILA 6958             0  3 0 FACES OF ETERNITY 539 NUMSKULL 6751         326 JUST REV
VOID 6976              0  4 0 FIVE SPHERES 462      JORGE BLACK ORC 20    328 NONE    
VOYDE 6848             0  1 0 FIVE SPHERES 462      ANASTASIUS 6839       324 NOT REVE
FIRE 6849              0  3 0 FIVE SPHERES 462      ANASTASIUS 6839       326         
IVAN 2565              4 10 0 FORGOTTEN REALMS 185  GARGOYLE PRINCE 25    328 NONE    
DANICA 1872           11 19 0 FORGOTTEN REALMS 185  GAZREKK 6438          324 NOT REVE
OLIVE RUSKETTLE 7006   0  1 0 FORGOTTEN REALMS 185  MARSH 6829            327         
NUMSKULL 6751          4  3 1 I'M WITH STUPID 531   MARDUK 6863           328         
SLACKJAW 6750          4  1 0 I'M WITH STUPID 531   HELMS 6660            326 REVENGED
SUBROGATION 6850       0  3 0 LEGALESE 449          EARL OF ZIPPY 6566    324 REVENGED
GANOLOSER 6971         1  3 0 LOSERS 544            BORED ELF 19          328 NONE    
SKUNK #1 6910          0  6 0 MY BEST BUDS 2 542    DARK CHAMPION 24      328 NONE    
B-52 7005              0  2 0 MY BEST BUDS 2 542    GARGOYLE PRINCE 25    328 NONE    
POT POURRI 6911        1  3 0 MY BEST BUDS 2 542    POWER TEMP 6996       326 REVENGED
SOMFMA 6797            6  3 0 OGRES ARE US 270      GODFREY 6354          328         
BULL DOGGAM 6088      18 30 0 RED DOG GANG 476      RIFF 6452             328         
EARL OF ZIPPY 6566     3  3 1 THE UPSTARTS III 510  DEMURRER 5828         325 REVENGED
TAIL GUNNER 6995       0  1 0 THE UPSTARTS III 510  STRANGLEMEELMO 6762   326         
POWER TEMP 6996        1  1 1 THE UPSTARTS III 510  MAUI WOWIE! 6907      327 JUST REV

                                     PERSONAL ADS

Ed. -- Wealtheth?  What kind of an edit is that supposed to be?  Tallyeth Whackether
might have been better.  I applaud you for the attempt...but next time...BE more
NULNLY!  Also, Ogres don't always appostisize thier words.  "Nuln drag it butt like
dog," is appropriate for the speacheth pattern.  Oh, sorry. -- Ghoti

     Be more Nulnly? *shudder* -- Ed. who is on the road and doesn't recall the edit
     in question

Snotto -- In honor of you not challenging my guys last turn, I've brought back Ralph
for a nostalgia tour.  Retro is so in these days, ya know. :) -- Anti-Ralph

DeGotti -- Hmmmm...lemme see...nope, don't care. ;) -- Ralph

Nuln -- Snotsy challenging me is all part of our master plan.  Of course this master
plan also includes me dressing up as a Goatherd and singing the entire lyrics to the
musical "Bye Bye Birdie" though, so I'm thinking that maybe we could do better. --
Ralph the Anti-Tenor

Ed. -- I'd like to apologize in advance for anything else my togs partner Snotguy
writes in the team spotlights...ever since the "accident" writing dirty stories and
chasing woodchucks with his "magic stick" are his only forms of recreation. >:P --

     Ah yes, I've heard about those "accidents". -- Ed.

Soultaker and Deadly Studder -- Thanks, I'm enjoying your stuff as well...almost
makes me sad that I throw the newsletters away. ;D -- Ralph

TGG -- My apologies for my poor performance so far in the TOGS.  Between the points I
have lost on avoiding, missing a turn of personal ads and spotlights, I have cost us
fifteen points.  That's almost the entire amount we are behind by.  Hopefully I can
get my act together so you don't have to carry me the entire way. -- Rillion the TOGS

5-0 Last turn and our team 9-1.  What a lucky for turn for a bunch of losers like us.
-- The Greek Guy

All -- Hope you had a Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year. -- Lurocians

T-Mac -- Man I'm fast.  Go ahead, you can admit it. -- Lluperior Llorces

Supernova -- Nice try, but I'm really that good. -- Llucky Day

Beerbarians -- Ya know T#$S IV is going on, right?  You think you could spread your
TV challenges around a little bit just for fairness sake?  Newcastle was the first
warrior to beat Scabby regular arena in a fight that he tried to win.  All 6 of his
losses before last turn were thrown.  Congrats!  Newcastle is very good!  But please
leave me alone as I do not get any points no matter who wins the fight when you
challenge me. -- Ganolus, Blood Related

Riff -- I am honored to have beaten one of The Barnabled One's warriors.  Please give
my regards to your Master. -- Too Icky

The French -- Nicely done! -- Bloody Mess

Snotman -- You're a very sick man, but I was rolling at the Jaba-The-Hut-Gut!
Brilliant! -- Ganolus

He knows if you are sleeping
He knows if you're awake
He knows if you are bonused or not
So clam up for Manager's sake.

Soultaker -- Pull you down?  Pull Manager down?  Hex both of your TOGS performances?
I got paid more than ARod both times.  I, therefore, am smart and rich.  (And not
whining.) -- The Crazy Creepster (Yabba dabba doowoperonski!)

Sultan -- Yeah, Soultaker is slick like that.  (Tricking others into doing spots for

himself.)  But, you know, when he does write a spot, we all would have been better
off had we not wasted our time reading the dribble. -- The Crazy Creepster (Ugga
wugga, fee fie foerumpdiddlyumptious!)

Manager -- I need an expert historian's perspective, and you may be the only one to
help me answer.  Please assist me, for if I can get the right answer, I win an
automatic spot in the final 12 on American Idol this year.  The question I am
researching is, "Which occurred most recently, a Manager TOGS victory, or a Manager
TC?  Has it been THAT long?" -- The Crazy Creepster (Bee bop a ludaruda big fat

All, unlike reported in TOGS 4, please note that Soultaker has officially switched
from Metamucil to Citrucel as he proclaims it to lead to a bigger movement. -- The
Crazy Creepster ( Supercaliwomperific!)

Onedawg -- Sorry about last turn's absence of story and personals.  I lost track of
time.  When I did remember my obligations, it was too late. -- Master Darque

Voyde -- I don't want to kill anymore of your warriors (not like I was gunning for
the other two), but I can't stop or avoid your challenges. -- Anastasius

Judge -- Just remember the glory of having a double 21.  I've never been sent one
(was given one by my dad). -- Master Darque
P.S.  Sorry I've been quiet, but this is a busy season for my profession.

Lurocians -- Ok, now that you've gone 5-0, you can tell us all what a lurocian is. --

Da Gotti -- Way to go and blow it with Ed. with the spotlights!!  Can't you restrain
yourself at all? -- Nuln

Pip -- You sir, are a gifted investigative journalist.  Can I call you Dan Rather (or
Rather?  The 'Rath'?) from now on? -- Nuln

Barnabas -- Great turn shmeat turn, I always say.  If I do well I don't get credit
for it, and if I do poorly it's as expected.  Soon I will teach them the error of
their ways. -- Nuln the petty & vindictive
P.S.  So when are you going to start challenging Mr. Soultaker's warriors after all
the smizz...?

Yukon -- *chuckle*  Oh man, I'm so glad I'm not in a real alliance. -- Nuln

Ed. -- Just because you cook an egg doesn't mean you have to eat that egg.  I
wouldn't recommend eating one off a sidewalk either. -- Nuln

     Yes, but why cook them if not for eating?  It seems like such a waste. -- Ed.

Voyde -- You think?  I wouldn't it past him.  I love the way he says our state's
name, though.  I'd re-elect him just for that. -- Nuln

Da Gotti -- Yeah, yeah, yeah, smirk, smirk smirkity smirk.  You'll get yours, buddy!
-- Winker X

Anti -- [smacking forehead]  That is a good ol' chestnut.  Yeah, dust that baby off!
(just trying to be positive here!) -- Nuln
P.S.  Oh indeed.  Hyuck.

Shadowgate -- May your replacement suck horribly! -- Nuln, voted best well-wisher of
Aradi '95-'98

Soultaker -- Yeah, I'd be worried about my personals goo way more than any eggshells,
too.  There's really no reason to fry an egg on one at all (as I tried to tell Ed.),
I'm just saying you *could* if you wanted to.  Think of it as me simply listing a
possibility that exists in this beautiful, but sometimes disgusting world of ours.
Have I mentioned how lovely it is having you back in the personals here?  It is,
truly, it is. -- Nuln

Indimar Fallon -- Pilgrimage makes it sound a little too biblical for me.  How about
"just going to hang out"? -- Nuln

Lummox -- We meet again, scrappy doo!  I hate havin' that dog smell after our fights
tho'.  Wugga wugga! -- Sir Zestalot

Snotman -- I think you're off by a turn, but there's no need to quibble.  Lovely
weather, isn't it? -- Nuln

Death Stud -- Hello! -- Nuln

Headrock -- You're pretty good, for an ogre that is.  I mean that in a nice way, btw.
-- Winker X

Marduk -- It's not like I'm the son of Acute or something!  I'm the Son of freaking
BLOODLUST!  I got the gene-pool on my side, baby. -- Son of you know who

Thompson -- I can only assume that was a blind challenge.  Your... -- Asshe-Master

Acute -- I do....great damage....why....?  *collapse* -- the Ayl'm'er guy thing

Ed. -- I'm guessing that it takes you so long to read them TOGS spotlights because
you have to check for appropriate content.  Really, we are all grown ups here
though--I mean don't you trust us? -- The Rage Man

     *giggle* *laugh* *guffaw* *wipe a tear from my eye* Thanks, I really needed a
     good laugh. -- Ed.

Happy Holidays from the Red Avengers! -- The Rage Man

Death Stud -- Aw gee thanks.  You know I do it all just for you my little snookie
wookums. >:) -- Anti-Ralph

Judge -- Uh huh.  Sure. >:P -- Anti-Ralph

Best Buds 2 -- Now see that was a goof...you could have had 4 turns of auto-wins via
blood feud, this guy wasn't going to give you much trouble. :) -- Anti-Ralph

Nuln -- Bosbo?  Are you saying that Stud is related to The Boss?  Man, that dude has
back hair taller than DS. -- Voyde

Ganolous -- I haven't been recycling my newsletters.  Oh how the trees suffer.  Ha,
Ha, Ha! -- Voyde

Rhillion -- Drunk. -- Voyde

Ben Wa -- Those aren't pink, they're salmon.  How gauche! -- V-Smak

All -- Is there any truth to the rumor that Beowulf was actually Soultaker's first
spotlight? -- Voyde

Anastasius -- Last attempt, one way or another. -- Five Spheres

Shadowgate/Yukon -- Long time listener, first-time caller...um (rustles papers)...
yeah, I wanted to say...um, great show. == Voyde

Anti -- Congrats on the bloodfeud victory over Demurrer.  Very smart strategy on

Elephant -- Glad you enjoyed your spotlight in Turn 3.  We actually fought in
Valamantis for a while while you and Hombre were there bickering with the Midnight
Foundation.  Are you trying to run them out of Aljafir too?  It should be
interesting. -- Judge

I think I can stop sandbagging at any time now. -- Ghoti

Ganoloser -- A fine name you have to be sure, especially the last part. -- Twicklebum

Tyvinrek -- I'll bet that your choice of weapons would work on someone who didn't out
jump you.  It's a good thing they don't give points for kills.  You would be dead. --

Water -- Some sage advice for a new fighter.  You have to do something if you expect
to win. -- Namby Pamby

Somfma -- I am in awe of your skill at arms.  To beat me that easily; I am amazed.
Stay away from me. -- Frub

Cyvin -- Now that I am smarter I will avoid guys like you. -- Freep

All -- Hi.  My name is Yukon and I am in first place in T@#$.  Oh Shadowgate, I guess
it just us here. -- Yukon

Fonz -- Look you boys have got to quit calling, the final answer is NO, none of you
can join the top alliance. -- Barnabas

Death Stud -- You do realize you will never make greatness with a sub par alliance.
Kinda like a great football player, if he doesn't win the big game he never gets his 
just rewards.  Keep carrying all those wannabes' and just stay hidden in the shadows,
you stud you. -- Barnabas

Indimar -- You truly are the stud of Aradi, beat down those TOGS guys so bad you
decided to take a turn off so they could catch up.  Man, I can't wait for the next
turn to see your total domination.  Elephant is a very lucky manager to have a
partner like you. -- Barnabas

Street -- How about those Bears, I believe they finished above the Lions again. --

Soultaker -- Why would I want to join up with your crew when all of you were so far
below me in the last tourney.  Besides your cookin sucks, I'm thinkin their little
fat bellies are from starvation not good cookin.  Bloated, you know, kinda like your
ego. -- Barnabas

Pip -- About time for you and your partner to make your move. -- Barnabas

OneDawg -- I have been impressed with your challenges, even though I'm not in TOGS,
could you challenge me? -- Barnabas

Hombre -- I seem to recall a very similar if not the same spotlight that you wrote
last turn from someone in TOGS II.  Running out of ideas already? -- DeGotti

Nulnrovian -- Why thanks. -- DeGotti

Brak -- Umm, Great fight and thanks for the win, but I don't get points from beating
you. -- DeGotti

Nuln -- I felt so empty not fighting one of your guys last turn. -- DeGotti

All -- Wow!  We are in first place!  How the heck did that happen?  I guess everyone
else is just bigger losers that us! -- Shadowgate

Yukon -- Way to go!  Last turn but to put the record straight, you are only up 10
points on me on points contributed to our outstanding lead!  The infighting begins!
-- Shadowgate

All -- Not much to say after my monster spaceout last turn, so here is my required
ad. -- Indimar Flakin

Guardian -- Sorry, can't help you with those strategy sheets.  Need to maintain my
competitive advantage. -- Manager

Nulny -- I'll see what I can do.  (Starting next turn that is, cause I'm lazy.) --

Soultaker -- No need to be insulting.  We both know just by looking at the
participants, that I'd probably only need to work half has hard in the TOGS as I am
at stirring the pot in order to place. -- Manager

Death Stud -- Better to have faded TOGS glory than to never have TOGS glory at all.
Perhaps one day I'll come out of TOGS retirement and teach the young whippersnapers
how we did it in the old days.  -- Manager

Power Temp -- I'm sure hoping this trend won't continue.  A bloodfeud win by death
would certainly be bad for me. -- Maui Wowie!

Dichabod -- Unbelievable that I couldn't get you out when I had you down so early.
Maybe next time I'll leave the can opener and go for a more blunt object and just
smash you inside your tin can. -- Graffix

Obed -- Thought you were almost a lifesaver.  Instead you have sealed my fate. --
Skunk #1

Do you guys really read all this stuff? -- Dreihdenflahg

Yukon -- So, in your spotlight you spent a night in jail for beating the snot out of
some F.A.G. bastard?  Huh...funny. -- Hombre

The Ayl'm'er -- Man, you are one bad sock! -- Acute

Graffix -- Third time's a charm? -- Thieves Guild

Asshe-Master -- Hmmm, I don't know if it's really a good idea if we're seen out
together. -- Dichabod

Ghoti -- Not that I didn't enjoy it, but you lost me in that personal ad.  Granted,
that's easy to do. -- Hombre

Barnabas -- I have no idea why I continue to try and improve your image.  Pitiful
strays have always been a weakness for me. -- Soultaker

Ghoti -- I would never come right out and say who was under there, but one member of
the non-alliance was missing from around the table. -- Soultaker

Sultan -- You need to spend more time here.  It would be so different to have one of
your insight to mince words with. -- Soultaker

Death Stud -- Yeah Manalger was easy to see, but try as hard as I can, I am unable to
get "nose so far up Manalger's backside" out of Yukon. -- Soultaker

Snotman -- Nice try but a very feeble attempt. -- Soultaker

He who roves in Nulnrovia -- Never mistake apathy for antipathy.  Anti and I are
still cool.  I just didn't know which team he runs or what his warriors names were.
I've figured out that it starts with a 'U' so we should be ok now. -- Snotman

Slutaker -- They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  Your beauty marks
look like aged, diseased, wrinkly, discolored spots to me.  Eh, you say potato I say
potato. -- Snotman
P.S.  Which word did I add to my vocabulary that you had to look up?  Apple?

Shadowgate -- If you knew me in college, you'd know that I'd have been bragging if I
got ANY action, poultry or otherwise. -- Snotman

Nulnski -- Well, we did well that first TOGS.  And pretty decent the second.  But so
far you and Voyde are way out performing Anti and I.  I'm not going to draw any
conclusions from that. -- Snotman

All -- Don't believe the hype!  Ed. has already been changing things in our
spotlights.  In fact, just last turn, a long section about Death Stud and inflatable
sheep nostrils was cut from my spotlight.  I demand my first amendment rights!  What,
next we can't have

Ed. -- Really, the fact the Love Ewe was a sheep was ancillary to my storyline.  I
will work on that sickness in future spots and be sure to only use human inflatable
sex dolls. -- Snotman

     All right then, see that you do. -- Ed.
     P.S.  The whole nostril thing was just too gross!

Anti -- Seeing as you smoked one of Judge's decent warriors (which he has so few to
speak of), I guess you're not half-bad. -- Pip

Guardian -- All my fault?  We came in here with people saying we had not a chance in
hell, and now look; we've catapulted into a strong second...from last. -- Pip

Barnabus -- I thought this was supposed to be fun.  No need for work. -- Pip

Indimar -- As soon as you left, I called in and challenged all your dudes.  Then you
don't even show?  You need a new fax machine. -- Pip

Freep -- Not much you can do, unless you somehow become a lot scummier.  Talk to
Judge, I know he's got A LOT of experience with armor-clad scum. -- The Brick

Ed. -- Yes ma'am.  Thank you for the ongoing leniency for Aradi stories and for a
"gentle" nudge back toward decency.  The farm animal theme is not likely to die
altogether, but it was starting to get a bit graphic and repetitive.  I try to teach
wisdom and restraint to these children, but they don't listen to me as they should.
-- Death Stud

     *smile* I don't expect the farm animal thing to go away, just to go back to
     being...not tasteful, but not quite so blatant and icky.  Oh wise and ancient
     one. *cough* -- Ed. who has a cold, really

Guardian/Ganolus -- Whoops, the two of you cannot seems to find the "nice" button on
the same turn as one another to let this thing go.  May I suggest Turn 330? -- Death
P.S.  Guardian, I would be very interested to know the exact comment that got you so
annoyed in the first place and what newsletter it appeared in.  I went back and
looked and couldn't find anything from Ganolus that should have gotten that far under
your skin.

Pip -- Clearly this is your fault. -- Death Studs

Barnabas -- Careful what you say, lest we be forced to gang up on you and toss you
around a bit at the Face. -- Death Stud

Snotman and Nuln -- No, I only said "toss you around."  There was no mention of salad
anywhere in that personal ad. -- Death Stud

     First eggs, now salad, is nothing sacred! -- Ed.

Barnabas -- Ssshhhhh!  Don't give away my secret strategy to everyone.  I made that
one up especially for Nuln. -- Death Stud

Indimar -- Please tell us that we didn't see what we thought we saw from you last
turn. -- Death Studs

Snotman -- You are a bad man.  I've never seen anyone manage to get an entire arena
censored before.  Smooth move, Exlax. -- Death Stud

Nulnrovian One -- Actually, the idea for the spotlight--and that part specifically--
came from the Chrome One himself.  I know that makes it even more disturbing, but I
wanted you to know the truth. -- Death Stud

Soultaker -- As Voyde correctly pointed our last turn, you can't spell Barnabas
without BARN.  How fitting is that? -- Death Stud

Voyde -- Shoot for like 33 or 34 lines in your spotlight instead of pushing the
minimum and that bastard Hal won't be able to hurt you. -- Death Stud

Shadowgate -- No, the 5-0 didn't help us win the turn, but it kept us from plummeting
that turn and let us move up the rankings a bit.  Now it's Soultaker's turn to carry
us for a week or two.  We tend to switch off as we seem to never be able to both pull
it together on the same week. -- Death Studs

Namby Pamby -- Thanks. -- Two in the Goo

Black Eye -- You look suspicious to me, and us dogs don't tolerate people that look
suspicious.  Nothing personal, we're just doing our jobs. -- Bull Doggam, watchdog

Ack Ack -- (jumping three feet in the air, fur standing on end, and barking)  Loud
noises!  I hate loud noises! -- Boone

Syringe -- You don't understand the proper respect which is owed to ALL dogs much
less Dog Stars like myself. -- Sirius the disgruntled

Sir Zestalot -- (sighing heavily)  You laughed.  Don't lie.  I hate being laughed at,
but I hate being lied to even more. -- Lummox

Drek -- (snapping nervously)  You're going to chip my cup if you keep on like that!
-- Teacup Terrier

Rip R. -- (preening)  Yes, we're famous for that. -- Teacup Terrier of the Mean Bark

Llengeance -- I train with Irish Wolves.  Not wolfhounds, with the wolves.  That way,
you REALLY learn to take damage. -- Lummox, somewhat surprised to be graduating

Indimar -- You know what they say about paybacks.  I don't think my spotlight made it
this turn. -- Elephant

Nuln -- You're upset about going 4-1?  I think your helm is on too tight. -- Genocide

Wimpy -- No, we are not in TOGS.  Make sure to use your avoids for now.  Maybe I'll
join the next TOGS if anyone would partner with me.  But for now happy with being
out. -- Genocide

Thorne -- Thought I had ya; thanks for the master rating.  Maybe you could help me
with some tips. -- Brak

Urg the Unclean -- Soap and water.  Soap and water. -- Raam

All -- What alliances dwell in Aradi?  Do any of you remember the Hitmen -- Strikers
war in Aljafir?

Son of Blood Lust -- Well fought. -- Marduk

Bong -- GAH!  How utterly boring and unfortunate... -- Quetzacoatyl

Genocide -- Welcome back!  I do remember you and it's good to see an old-time DM
player and old-time Aradi manager back in the fold. -- Death Stud (Sails of Charon
back in the day)

Barnabass -- Rocky Mountain oysters?  Ewwww. -- Death Stud

Rillion & TGG -- Well, who have you guys recruited to challenge into the contest for
you this year? -- Death Studs

Hombre -- Sorry about that challenge, I never received a copy of that manual thing.
You are mi hombre, but all's fair in love and TOGS. -- Death Stud

Ghoti -- We really need to step it up. -- Armalias

Soultaker -- I expect a response if I bother to send you a personal, squid. --

Death Stud -- I think Sentinel is a much better manager. -- Armalias

Manager -- Phbblllttt!!!!! -- Armalias

All -- If you haven't seen Lord of the Rings: Return of the King yet, shame on
you!!! -- Armalias

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

IVAN was viciously butchered by GARGOYLE PRINCE in a 3 minute Dark Arena fight.
SKUNK #1 was murdered by DARK CHAMPION in a 2 minute brutal Dark Arena melee.
GANOLOSER was narrowly killed by BORED ELF in a 3 minute bloody Dark Arena duel.
B-52 was butchered by GARGOYLE PRINCE in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
VOID was assassinated by JORGE BLACK ORC in a 1 minute Dark Arena match.
GUMMI GHOUL devastated MAUI WOWIE! in a 1 minute uneven Bloodfeud brawl.
MARDUK assassinated NUMSKULL in a 1 minute one-sided Bloodfeud struggle.
SHARP STICK was devastated by HELMS in a 1 minute one-sided Bloodfeud competition.
HAMMURABI was slaughtered by TAY STARLE in a 1 minute uneven Bloodfeud duel.
LLOSMIC LLAMMER savagely defeated ACUTE in a 2 minute expert's Challenge Title duel.
WINKER X was overpowered by THUNDRA in a 2 minute gory one-sided Challenge melee.
MURRAY was demolished by KABOOM in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge match.
NEWCASTLE handily defeated BUSH in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge contest.
RIFF murdered BULL DOGGAM in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge brawl.
LLLENGEANCE was overcome by SYRINGE in a 1 minute veteran's Challenge conflict.
GAZREKK defeated TOO ICKY in a 1 minute gruesome expert's Challenge struggle.
AVIENDHA was beaten by HEADROCK in a crowd pleasing 1 minute master's Challenge brawl.
ACK ACK overpowered SIRIUS in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
THE BRICK savagely defeated NOODLES in a popular 5 minute veteran's Challenge bout.
BLUE BEANIE was viciously subdued by WIND in a popular 2 minute Challenge contest.
RIP RAP lost to SYDA HAMMIE in a 2 minute Challenge match.
SMIRLIN overpowered MARBURY in a 2 minute gruesome uneven Challenge fray.
FRUB was outwaited by LLUCKY DAY in a monotonous 26 minute gory Challenge bout.
CYVIN overpowered SCABBY in a 2 minute gory one-sided Challenge duel.
NAPPY DUGOUT was vanquished by OBITER DICTA in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
LLUPERIOR LLORCES subdued KARATE WRECKER in a 1 minute Challenge melee.
GOLDFISH savagely defeated TYVINREK in a action packed 2 minute gory Challenge duel.
TALON handily defeated PIPSQUEAK in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge bout.
DREK lost to LLUGS AND LLISSES in a 2 minute Challenge bout.
SON OF BLOODLUST luckily beat ROSENCRANTZ in a action packed 1 minute Challenge fight.
SANDSTORM was overpowered by LEO in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge match.
SUPERNOVA overpowered DOVE FALCONHAND in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
ZERBERT luckily beat FLORIN FALCONHAND in a action packed 3 minute Challenge bout.
TWO IN THE GOO devastated TOGS STINKER in a 3 minute bloody one-sided Challenge duel.
MR. NEGATIVITY was narrowly defeated by WEED 4 MOM in a 3 minute Challenge match.
GRAFFIX overpowered PIP THE TROLL in a 1 minute brutal one-sided Challenge fray.
CYCLONE was demolished by 4-FT PARTY BONG in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge conflict.
NECROMANCER XLVII slimly lost to HERROL in a popular 10 minute Challenge bout.
QUETZACOATYL beat THE-SHOCKER in a exciting 2 minute Challenge competition.
WURL POOLE handily defeated ARKHAM in a 2 minute gory one-sided Challenge duel.
TOGS LOSER was luckily beaten by TYPHOON XXII in a 17 minute Challenge duel.
MR OBLIVIOUS was demolished by VORPAL BUNNY in a 3 minute uneven Challenge conflict.
PIKEL overcame ANDROGENOUS STRAIN in a 2 minute Challenge fight.
XXX devastated S.L.A.P.P. in a action packed 6 minute mismatched Challenge match.
WILDFIRE was viciously subdued by WATER in a 5 minute novice's Challenge match.
MAIMONIDES was savagely defeated by HOSCHA in a popular 2 minute gory Challenge duel.
ORIGINAL SHOCKER was outwaited by BING in a 10 minute amateur's Challenge bout.
SQUIRTY JOE was outlasted by BONG in a tiresome 9 minute amateur's Challenge match.
BLOODY MESS was demolished by LANCELOT in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge battle.
GROVER overpowered SIXTUS in a 1 minute bloody mismatched Challenge conflict.
HELL MARY beat VICIOUS RUMOR in a 1 minute novice's Challenge struggle.
TWICKLEBUM was subdued by GUILDENSTERN in a 1 minute Challenge brawl.
TOSSED SALAD subdued ANGRY SANTA in a 4 minute Challenge battle.
SANDY BEACH was unbelievably bested by DUNWICH in a 2 minute gory Challenge brawl.
NAMBY PAMBY was overpowered by HENRY IV in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge duel.
SICK PUPPY was defeated by SIR ZESTALOT in a 1 minute master's fight.
THE AYL'M'ER viciously subdued VETERAN MERCENARY in a 2 minute veteran's contest.
LUMMOX vanquished BLACK EYE in a 1 minute mismatched match.
BLACKBURST savagely defeated WHITE RAVEN in a 2 minute veteran's conflict.
QUICKSAND overpowered DEMURRER in a 1 minute one-sided brawl.
BOONE slimly lost to THORNE in a 3 minute gory veteran's duel.
LORD OF THE O RINGS overpowered MC CAIN in a 1 minute uneven fight.
TRIPLICATE THUNDER vanquished TEACUP TERRIER in a 1 minute one-sided match.
LACHES luckily beat VIRGINAL GIGOLO in a popular 4 minute bloody veteran's duel.
MISTRESS BOMBTRONIC savagely defeated FREEP in a unpopular 16 minute brutal duel.
SLIPKNOT narrowly defeated BRAK in a 5 minute match.
TWISTER was beaten by GOURMET GRUEL in a popular 1 minute fight.
BARON assassinated ANASTASIUS in a 1 minute uneven brawl.
SOMFMA was butchered by GODFREY in a 1 minute brutal mismatched match.
JAMIS demolished TA'LON THE VILE in a 1 minute mismatched duel.
IKER subdued ANGRY SUE in a popular 1 minute fight.
SPONGEBOB vanquished ZANN in a 1 minute one-sided melee.
DERRIN was unbelievably bested by AMBITIOUS GUARD in a 2 minute melee.
BLOODY HELL was beaten by INSISTANT BEGGAR in a exciting 5 minute conflict.
DUSTSTORM was unbelievably bested by BLACK RUSSIAN in a 2 minute conflict.
T-MAC was overpowered by DUNNO in a 1 minute one-sided struggle.
DICHABOD luckily beat THE FRENCH in a exciting 5 minute expert vs. novice fight.
VIKEN demolished ZYLLEIX'S SHADE in a 2 minute one-sided contest.
THOMPSON subdued INDIMAR'S FAXMACHINE in a 3 minute gruesome beginner's bout.
SCRAG subdued HANGMAN in a 2 minute beginner's duel.
INSANITY was overpowered by BLUD in a 1 minute one-sided duel.
INNOCENT overcame TERRA in a 2 minute brutal amateur's battle.
OBED beat FLAME in a 1 minute novice's fight.
MARSH was handily defeated by SILVER BELLS in a 1 minute one-sided melee.
BIGGEST PETE overpowered URLGEN THREE-FIST in a exciting 1 minute one-sided bout.
STRANGLEMEELMO vanquished RAAM MANSLAYER in a 1 minute mismatched fight.
FLICKED BOOGERS beat LEAKY THE CLOWN in a 2 minute amateur's duel.
ASSHE-MASTER won victory over LEGS ANDARMS in a 3 minute beginner's fight.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|LUNGING ATTACK                  38         PARRY-LUNGE       18 -  16 -  1      53  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                 36         WALL OF STEEL     42 -  38 -  0      53  |
|TOTAL PARRY                     27         AIMED BLOW        46 -  46 -  0      50  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                 18         LUNGING ATTACK   168 - 168 -  6      50  |
|BASHING ATTACK                  14         TOTAL PARRY      106 - 118 -  2      47  |
|WALL OF STEEL                   11         STRIKING ATTACK  114 - 132 -  8      46  |
|AIMED BLOW                      10         SLASHING ATTACK   80 -  95 -  9      46  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      6         PARRY-STRIKE      22 -  30 -  1      42  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     5         BASHING ATTACK    41 -  60 -  8      41  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    3         PARRY-RIPOSTE     20 -  34 -  2      37  |

Turn 328 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

WALL OF STEEL      7 -  4     SLASHING ATTACK    8 - 10         6  LUNGING ATTACK 
AIMED BLOW         6 -  4     BASHING ATTACK     6 -  8         3  STRIKING ATTACK
TOTAL PARRY       15 - 12     STRIKING ATTACK   15 - 21         1  WALL OF STEEL  
LUNGING ATTACK    20 - 18     PARRY-STRIKE       2 -  3         1  SLASHING ATTACK
                              PARRY-LUNGE        2 -  4     
                              PARRY-RIPOSTE      1 -  2     

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
LUNGING ATTACK   LLOSMIC LLAMMER 5684       16  10  1  123 LUROCIANS VI (431)
WALL OF STEEL    THUNDRA 5122               19  12  1  138 FA CHING (388)
STRIKING ATTACK  RIFF 6452                  11   6  2  110 SWIFT CURRENT (468)
SLASHING ATTACK  QUICKSAND 6554             11   6  1   93 NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
PARRY-LUNGE      LORD OF THE O RINGS 6022   20  10  1   91 WILD CARDS (148)
TOTAL PARRY      LACHES 5642                12  11  0   76 LEGALESE (449)
PARRY-STRIKE     LLUGS AND LLISSES 5887      9   7  1   68 LUROCIANS VI (431)
BASHING ATTACK   BARON 6765                  7   3  1   59 LOCK-OUT (368)
AIMED BLOW       MC CAIN 6662                8   4  0   58 POWER BROKERS (527)
PARRY-RIPOSTE    TWISTER 6114                7   6  0   35 ARADI'S DEAD (393)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is NAPPY DUGOUT 6080.  The most popular warrior this 
turn was BLOODY HELL 6821.  The ten other most popular fighters were NOODLES 6247, 

The least popular fighter this week was LLUCKY DAY 6021.  The other ten least popular 
fighters were FRUB 6794, TYPHOON XXII 6827, FREEP 6812, MISTRESS BOMBTRONIC 6617, 
TOGS LOSER 6619, BONG 6980, BING 6979, HERROL 6694, RAAM MANSLAYER 4306, and MARSH 

The following warriors will travel to ADVANCED DUELMASTERS after next turn:


The following warriors have traveled to ADVANCED DUELMASTERS after fighting this turn:

TOO ICKY (60-5937) BLOOD RELATED (395)
LUMMOX (60-6092) RED DOG GANG (476)


     Beginning at the Winter Face-to-Face in Tempe (January 2004), we will implement 
several changes affecting tournaments.  The tournament announcement for the upcoming 
FTF and future tourneys will reflect these changes.
     First, we will eliminate the tourney freeze for all regular DM warrior classes.  
Regular DM warriors will not be classed ahead of the tournament, but instead will 
fight according to their FE on the date of the tourney.  There will still be a freeze 
for the ADM classes, occurring on the same timeline as before, approximately 6 weeks 
before the tournament.
     In addition to the above change, the warrior classes will be slightly altered.  
The new tourney classes will be as follows:

                DM Tourney Classes                 ADM Tourney Classes
              ======================              ======================
                  0 FE:  Rookies                        Freshmen
                1-4 FE:  Apprentices                    ADM
               5-10 FE:  Initiates                      Eligibles
              11-20 FE:  Adepts                      ---induction---
              21-30 FE:  Champions                      Contenders
                31+ FE:  Challengers                    Primus

     All regular DM tourney classes will remain solely FE based.  All ADM classes will 
now be based on warrior characteristics (i.e., the ADM split algorithm), including the 
Freshmen class.
     The Gateway and Primus arenas will be merging before the FTF to form one top 
arena.  These warriors will be split into two tournament classes, the Contenders and 
the Primus classes, again based upon their characteristics.  More information on this 
will be published in the newsletters for those arenas.
     If you have any questions about the above changes, please contact Customer 
Service.  Good luck in your games.

                                          -- Green Eyes and the RSI staff