Date   : 01/30/2004    Duedate: 02/12/2004


DM-60    TURN-330

This Weeks Top Honors


(60-4866) [10-4-2,170]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

LIGHTNING IX                   LEO
DEATH STUDS VII (301)          DARQUE AGES (536)
(60-4866) [10-4-2,170]         (60-6837) [6-1-0,66]

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

NAPPY DUGOUT                   NAMBY PAMBY
WILD CARDS (148)               WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
(60-6080) [14-15-1,78]         (60-6977) [3-3-0,22]


4000 BLOWS (107)

Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. NATURAL DISASTERS (159)     51
2. DARQUE AGES (536)           43      RED AVENGERS (487)
3. LUROCIANS VI (431)          35      Unchartered Team
4. DEATH STUDS VII (301)       33
5. DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)  33      5 BELOW ZERO (532)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1- 1*THIRSTY THUGS (543)        2   0  0  100   1/ 1 4000 BLOWS (107)         11  4 1
 2/ 2*5 BELOW ZERO (532)        13   7  1 65.0   2/ 8 DEATH STUDS VII (301)    11  4 0
 3- 3 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)   102  56  5 64.6   3/ 2 LUROCIANS VI (431)       11  4 0
 4/ 4 RED AVENGERS (487)        25  15  0 62.5   4/ 7 RED AVENGERS (487)       10  5 0
 5/ 5 POWER BROKERS (527)       41  27  6 60.3   5/ 6 WILD CARDS (148)          9  6 1
 6/ 8 LUROCIANS VI (431)        96  71  6 57.5   6/12 WING HOVE (529)           9  6 1
 7- 9 SAAB STORY (389)         103  80  8 56.3   7/13*5 BELOW ZERO (532)        9  6 0
 8/ 6 WING HOVE (529)           28  22  3 56.0   8/ 4*LOSERS (544)              8  6 2
 9/ 7 I'M WITH STUPID (531)     25  20  1 55.6   9/20*DARQUE AGES (536)         8  6 1
10/11 SWIFT CURRENT (468)       87  76  8 53.4  10/19 NATURAL DISASTERS (159)   8  6 0
11/13 NATURAL DISASTERS (159)  567 506 19 52.8  11/ 3 OGRES ARE US (270)        8  7 0
12/12 WIMPS OF DEATH (66)      517 464 30 52.7  12/10 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430)  8  7 0
13/15 DEATH STUDS VII (301)    315 285  8 52.5  13/11 SHADOW SIGNS (491)        8  7 0
14/14 WILD CARDS (148)         686 628 26 52.2  14/15 HIT ME WITH... (503)      8  7 0
15/10 LOCK-OUT (368)            40  37  1 51.9  15/ 5 I'M WITH STUPID (531)     8  7 0
16/28*DARQUE AGES (536)         17  16  4 51.5  16/25 R.J.G. (475)              7  8 0
17/18 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 147 139 12 51.4  17/14 BLACK FRIARS (521)        6  5 0
18/17 SHADOW SIGNS (491)        67  64  1 51.1  18/38 POWER BROKERS (527)       6  8 0

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
19-19 BLOOD RELATED (395)      135 132  4 50.6  19/16 LOCK-OUT (368)            6  9 1
20/16*LOSERS (544)              17  17  2 50.0  20/26*FACES OF ETERNITY (539)   6  9 1
21-21 SPIRIT SENTINELS (191)    51  54  8 48.6  21/24 LEGALESE (449)            6  9 0
22-22 THE UNDERWORLD (15)       50  53  4 48.5  22/21*MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      6  9 0
23/20 OGRES ARE US (270)       136 146  2 48.2  23/31 SWIFT CURRENT (468)       5  4 2
24-24*INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)     11  12  2 47.8  24/27 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)    5 10 1
25/25 METAL MELTDOWN (344)     272 299 21 47.6  25/23 THIEVES GUILD (396)       5 10 0
26/26 4000 BLOWS (107)         548 612 27 47.2  26/29 FIVE SPHERES (462)        5 10 0
27/23 HIT ME WITH... (503)      16  18  0 47.1  27/42 ARADI'S DEAD (393)        4  4 1
28/29 THIEVES GUILD (396)      116 133  5 46.6  28-22 BLOOD RELATED (395)       4  6 0
29-30 FA CHING (388)            85 102  3 45.5  29- 9 FA CHING (388)            4  6 0
30-31 STORM GUARD (546)         38  46  1 45.2  30/30 BEERBARIANS (528)         3  0 1
31/32 BUMS 'R' US (465)        119 146  0 44.9  31/34 BUMS 'R' US (465)         3  3 0
32/36 BEERBARIANS (528)         13  16  4 44.8  32/36 METAL MELTDOWN (344)      3  5 0
33/33 ARADI'S DEAD (393)       108 133  5 44.8  33-17 THE UNDERWORLD (15)       3  7 0
34/34 LEGALESE (449)            55  72  3 43.3  34/28 WIMPS OF DEATH (66)       3 12 0
35-37 JOKA MASHER! (283)       152 213  6 41.6  35/ 0*DARK TOGS (526)           2  0 0
36/35*MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      16  24  1 40.0  36-18*INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)     2  3 0
37/39 R.J.G. (475)              64  98  1 39.5  37/37 RED DOG GANG (476)        2  9 0
38/38 BLACK FRIARS (521)        32  49  3 39.5  38/32 THE UPSTARTS III (510)    2 13 0
39/41 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)    60 102  3 37.0  39-40 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)    1  0 0
40/42 RED DOG GANG (476)       219 377  3 36.7  40-33*THIRSTY THUGS (543)       1  0 0
41/40 THE UPSTARTS III (510)    23  42  3 35.4  41-35 JOKA MASHER! (283)        1  1 0
42/43 FIVE SPHERES (462)        19  36  1 34.5  42-41 SAAB STORY (389)          1  2 1
43/ 0*DARK TOGS (526)            5  11  1 31.3  43-43 SPIRIT SENTINELS (191)    0  2 0
44/45*FACES OF ETERNITY (539)   12  28  1 30.0  44-44 STORM GUARD (546)         0  2 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                    TEAM SPOTLIGHT

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     A sad and lonely figured stood at the edge of the entrance to the arena.  Dust
swirled like dancing little devils about his ankles and off in the distance a crow
cried its lonesome, prickling cry.  A tear coursed its way down one dust covered
cheek as the man in black started to slowly raise a hand to the arena, as if reaching
out with a longing one only reserves for the deepest of loves.
     At that point, a hand fell upon his shoulder, throwing a small plume of
particles up in the air, and a voice said to him, "Come.  You must not give in to
temptation.  You must stick with our twelve step program and rid yourself forever of
this curse of being an arena manager."
     "I know." a shaky voice replied.  "It's just...it's just...it's been four long
years since I last set foot on the sand, and I find...I find that I crave it more and
more with each day that passes."
     "Such is the burden we must carry with us until the end of our days." said the
friend of the man in black.  "Now come, we must go and cleanse ourselves of this
place, and all that it stands for."
     With that, the man in black allowed himself to be meekly led away.  But in so
doing he turned his head, gazed at the arena, and lifted his face to the morning
light starting to crest over the great walls of the arena.  The light showed us the
face of this tragic figure.   This man in black.  This Magic Man.
     "I will return." he thought.  "Soon...very soon."

        + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ CONTINUED EDUCATION UNITS ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                  from Aradi spots personals, and other (Chapter 6)

* Soultaker is a BAD, BAD man.
* Kellumbo is a shameless, good-for-nothing, scum-running downchallenger.
* Aradi is weird like that.
* Really sick humans roll in skunk carcasses.
* Wimpy's sister is pretty fat.
* Death Stud streaks alone.
* Creepster numero Uno!
* The Editor received a special recognition award at The Face.  (Congrats!!!)
* Winker X raped Thundra.
* Once DM Llosmic Llammer BoB says no one in Aradi can beat him.
* Vive Quebec libre!
* Rage Man wears red mysterious & tacky robes.
* Got any ventricles?  Go fish.
* Soultaker is always dogging and making fun of Barnabas.
* Shadowgate is not paranoid.
* Lately, Snotman has more time for matters of the flesh.
* CFH is as funny as prostate cancer.
* Armalias worships Errodan.
* Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.
* Many years ago machines became self aware.
* Hombre doesn't understand dumb bell.
* Life sucks some times.
* Soultaker gave The Golden Gate Bridge to Pip.
* All the Managers sing to Nuln in Aradi Idol.
* The Legion Six is a crumbling has-been.
* Rainyer was apt to believe anything.
* Old Manager is sensitive.
* Guardian does not want to get deleted by Editor's staff of deletion.
* Nuln did make the tourney.  (Perhaps there is a positive to balance that negative?)
* Soultaker's TC's come mostly from Amen-Tei.
* Indimar wisely remains silent.
* Manager still owes Creepster a fair amount of money from cards.
* Brak is dead and sexy.  (For those who get off on that stuff.)
* You gotta go with any Stud, Dich, or Anti.
* Soultaker is a nut man.
* It is very hard to write personals after an 0 & 5!  (Congrats!)
* Clearly this is all Pip's fault.

          There is soooooooooooooo much to learn in Aradi

            + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ T329 TOGS totals ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

TEAM                STANDINGS
Team 3, Shadowgate/Yukon, 341
Team 11, The Greek Guy/Rillion, 325
Team 14, Rage Man/DeGotti, 306
Team 2, Death Stud/Soultaker, 288
Team 8, Sir Indimar/Elephant, 282
Team 9, Ghoti/Armalias, 258
Team 7, Nuln/Voyde, 252
Team 4, Wimpy/Judge, 244
Team 6, Dreidenflahg/Street Legal, 239
Team 1, Ganolus/Hombre, 231
Team 10, Anti/Snotman, 214
Team 12, Onedawg/Master Darque, 188
Team 13, Pip The Troll/Guardian, 180
Team 15, Rude Buddha/Mannequin, 158
Team 5, Jack Wolfspider/CFH, 58

Congrats to team 2, Death Stud and Soultaker, for taking the throne, moving into 4th,
and winning the turn 6 certificates.  Great job, guys!

-- Ganolus Oakleaf

                + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Fa Ching ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                              DeGotti's Return:  Part 7

Recap of part 6...

     It was DeGotti's first night back in Aradi and the streets were packed with
people partying in celebration of the upcoming TOGS.  DeGotti, being one to never
turn down an opportunity to party, found his way onto the streets as soon as he
unpacked.  He made his way down to Monument Way and Arena Drive to find a pimped out
Nuln.  After talking with Nuln for a bit and receiving 4 small red party enhancing
pills and 4 blue calm down pills DeGotti went and partied for a couple more hours.
After arriving home he was startled by a screaming, naked Death Stud who was running
down the street outside his villa.

     I awoke around 11:00am with a pounding headache and a mouth that felt like it
was a desert.  I saw the time and knew I had but one and a half hours to find where I
was supposed to go for the parade.  I dragged myself into the shower and alternated
blasting hot and cold water on myself.  I felt about 10% better and it was now
11:30am, I thought maybe if I ata something I would feel better.  So I made my way
outside to find a vendor selling food.
     I stepped outside and was greeted by the bright sun.  I shielded my eyes and
went towards the heart of Aradi.  I found a vendor selling fresh fruit and mineral
water and as I went to pay I found the pills Nuln had given me the night before.  I
paid for my breakfast and continued to head for where I thought I was supposed to go.
As I walked I thought, maybe one of those red pills would help my headache so I
downed one after I finished my fruit.
     I made my way past the Demons of Darkness and Lurocians guild houses and saw
Rillion helping out The Greek Guy, who seemed to be in worse shape then me.  I waved
at them both and watched as Rillion dunked The Greek Guy's head into a barrel of cold
rain water and then I walked on.
     It was getting close to the time I was supposed to meet Nuln and the rest of the
parade people so I doubled my pace and was surprised to find they were all closer
than I thought.
     I saw Nuln from across the street, his outfit stood out like a sore thumb.  He
was wearing a bright orange suit with light blue cuffs and an orange top hat with a
light blue stripe around the base.  He also had a cane and was wearing a monocle.  He
was standing next to the float that myself, Destitute Noble and Wimpy were going to
be riding on during the parade.
     The float was in the shape of a huge green and gold fish with a long skinny tail
and on the end of the tail hung a banner that read "TOGS II Champions".
     As I looked down the line of other floats they were all the same but just
different colors and 2 had TOGS I and TOGS III banners hanging from them, I guess
Nuln was cutting down on the price of the floats.

To be continued....

              + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Red Avengers ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

Secrets of the Rage Man (Part 2)

     "What's that?" Hombre asked Ganolus as the nature lover ripped open a package
containing a red notebook.
     "It's a red notebook." responded Ganolus, clearly gleeful with excitement.
     "I know that." Hombre slapped the druid in the back of the head. "I mean, what's
inside of it?"
     "It's from my spies." answered Ganolus, "I had them follow The Rage Man to the
library and steal his notebook full of TOGS notes."
     Hombre nodded.  When Ganolus said "spies", he clearly meant Death Stud.  The
miniscule being was great for sneaky subterfuge since no one ever noticed when he was
     "If we can see what he's writing in his notes," Ganolus continued, "maybe that
will give us a clue as to what he's doing here and what he's really after."
     The two plotters opened the Rage Man's notebook and examined his first page of
notes.  It read:

Thoughts About All of the Other People in the TOGS:
Anti - Car likely to break down mid-TOGS.  Ignore them.
Armalias - Can't challenge or avoid his way out of a paper bag.
CFH  - Too inconsistent and unreliable.
Death Stud - ADM specialist.  Will eventually go berserk on his teammate for having
     to carry him time and time again.
DeGotti - Just to prove I can win with anyone.
Dreidenflahg - Warriors too death prone to last during the competition.  Avoid
     accidentally killing his warriors.
Elephant - Invite Midnight Foundation into Aradi to distract if his team starts doing
     too well.  Won't be able to resist distraction.
Ganolus Oakleaf - Lightning can't strike twice.  Hombre can't be motivated for that
Ghoti - Father not around to carry team this time.  Not a threat.
Guardian - Sub .500 record in Primus.  And that's his strength?
Hombre - Horrible dresser.
Indimar - Prone to infighting and slacking off if things not going well.  Get on this
     team early.
Jack Wolfspider - Heart not into the competition.
Judge - Too bad not a judge of warrior talent.  Running too many mediocre warriors to
     do much damage.
Mannequin - Old and rusty.
Master Darque - Will ask his Dad to ground him if his team starts rolling too much.
Nuln - Oh please.
Onedawg - Being in animal in Aradi is setting yourself up to get molested, even if
     you are a manager.
Pip the Troll - Take back what I said earlier.  It might be hard for even me to win
     with Guardian.
Rillion - Known choker.  Has no game plan other than sending threatening messages to
     foes and hoping they quit.
Rude Buddha - In over his head.
Shadowgate - Second string DOA team at best.
Snotman - Send note to tell him that Upstarts III is in first place if he starts
     doing well.  But can most likely ignore.
Street Legal - Does poorly when no conflict to motivate him.  Team will whither on
     the vine.
Soultaker - What kind of a manager can't win TOGS with Creepster and Death Stud?
     Obviously not a very good one.
The Greek Guy - Only has two styles in his managerial repertoire.  (Striking and
Voyde - Fortunately, you can change your name, but not your managerial skill.
Wimpy - Needs Death Stud to manage his warriors to any level of success.
Yukon - Too drunk to be taken seriously.

     "I....I can't believe he said I was a horrible dresser!" gasped Hombre,
"Although everything he said about everyone else was dead on."
     "Wow, what an asshole." cried Ganolus Oakleaf, "Just who does he think he is?"
     "No one calls me a bad dresser and gets away with it!" Hombre declared, while
adjusting his mauve-colored scarf.
     "And he seems so nice in the personal ads too." sighed Ganolus, "Well at least
we now know what he truly thinks about all of us."
     "Wait..." Hombre whispered, "Don't we think a lot of the same things about the
other teams?"
     Ganolus laughed, "Of course we do!  But they don't know what we think that about
all of them.  It's not like we have a notebook lying around for people to steal.
What kind of a person would even bother to write his thoughts all down anyway?  Even
the list is alphabetized."
     "So what do we do now?"
     "We investigate further.  The mystery of the Rage Man must be solved!"

Next Turn: More clues that will beat you over the head with the answer, in case you
don't see where this is going.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
TOGS Wars: Chapter Eighty Nine Thousand Two Hundred Sixty Five - A TOGS Hope (Part 6)
                                     By Rillion

     Robert sat back down in his seat and whispered to Corey, "What did I miss while
I was cruising, err, using the bathroom?"
     "Sssussheth," screamed Paul from the row behind them.
     "Well, Rillion VodkaDrinker, AsheMaster, R2-Driedenflagh2, The Greek Guy and
Tigtoad all sailed down to Ti in the Centennial Swallow.  During the trip AsheMaster
started teaching Rillion VodkaDrinker how to use the power of the midimajigers.
After they got to Ti, Rillion convinced The Greek Guy to come to Aruaki City with
them to try to find out what happened to Prince Armalias by promising The Greek Guy
that the Prince was rich and would give him a huge reward if rescued," said Corey
before he was rudely interrupted by Travis's "Shut up you guys, we are trying to
watch the movie!  And could you take that hat off, I can't see!"
     Corey ignored Travis's complaint and continued, "When the group got to Aruaki
City they found that it had been completely destroyed.  Apparently the FONZ had built
a huge war machine called a FrothingDeathStar and tested it on Aruaki.  They all
returned to the Centennial Swallow and were headed back to Aradi when they ran into
the FrothingDeathStar and were captured.  AsheMaster was killed by Death Stud while
Rillion VodkaDrinker and The Greek Guy rescued Prince Armalias and escaped in the
Centennial Swallow.  Armalias had the secret plans to the FrothingDeathStar so they
took the plans to the secret headquarters of the Non-Allied Allies Against the Allied
FONZ Non-Alliance.  That should catch you up to the next scene that is about to
     Just then Alan returned to the theatre, "Hey guys, what'd I miss?"

The Secret Headquarters of the Non-Allied Allies Against the Allied FONZ Non-

     Prince Armalias and General DeGotti rolled out a large blue print of the
FrothingDeathStar.  Prince Armalias spoke,  "We have analyzed the design of the
FrothingDeathStar and found that is completely invulnerable.  A direct assault on it
will surely be doomed to failure.  Fortunately all hope is not lost.  The
FrothingDeathStar is very slow and was not originally designed to be an ocean vessel.
Fortunately the FONZ was cheap and hired out the Frothingsloshers to design the
thing.  The Frothingsloshers did not realize Aradi was an island so when they built
the thing in Bonsur, they figured the FONZ would just roll the thing to Aradi.  That
is why it was 'tested' on Aruaki.  The Frothingsloshers had to prove they were
capable of destroying an arena before the FONZ would pay them.  Death Stud was quite
irate at the Frothingsloshers failure to originally make it a sea going vessel so he
taunted them a bit and they vowed they would be able to bring the FrothingDeathStar
to Aradi."
     Rillion VodkaDrinker whined an interruption, "What does all this have to do with
how we are going to stop this invulnerable war machine from reaching Aradi and
destroying the TOGS?"
     General DeGotti stepped forward to explain, "The Frothingsloshers solved the
problem of their non-floating FrothingDeathStar they same way they solve all their
problems, with beer.  They added several large ballast tanks here, here, and here,"
he said point to the blue prints.  They then filled the tanks with lite beer, which
none of them wanted for themselves but which is also lighter then water and allows
the FrothingDeathStar to float.  These tanks are all connected through this network
of pipes which lead to the surface here.  Now while the FrothingDeathStar is
invulnerable to our weapons and magic, if we can drain those ballast tanks before it
reaches Aradi, it will sink to the bottom of the ocean where the pressure of the
water will destroy it for us.  Now it will be the job of you, our rowboat pilots, to
sneak up on the FrothingDeathStar insert our secret weapon into the pipes of the
     WedgeOneDawg was flabbergasted, "There is no way we can sneak a rowboat up to
that thing!"
     "Oh come on WedgeOneDawg, I used to sneak rowboats up on FONZ ships all the time
back in Aradi.  We can do it.  But General DeGotti, what is our secret weapon?" asked
     "Gentlemen, let me introduce our secret weapon for this mission," said General
DeGotti as he opened a door.  Out stepped a large hairy man.  "So someone tells me
you have some beer that needs drinking." Said Yukon Cornshuck as he stepped into the

           + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Wimpy Acts His Age ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     It was a bright and sunny day, as contrasted to a dark and stormy night.  Wimpy
had just returned from Zensu where he had spent a few days trying to get his team
straightened out.  He was working through the pile on his desk and had come to the
personal ads from turn 329.  He was reading the ads on page nine when suddenly he
turned red and started to choke and gasp.  He quickly grabbed his bottle of Geritol
and took a shot.  It was a few minutes before he was able to return to normal and get
his brain back in gear.  Although his eyes were watering, he read the two ads again.
He couldn't believe his eyes, but there it was in black and white.  It must be true.
She was coming to Aradi.  Lady Pandora has announced that she is coming.  Lady
Pandora, also known as Pretty Pandora, or Pandora of the Pretty Legs was coming.  It
had to be her.  What other lady of Alastari would state in bold type "GET ME SOME
KILLS".  She clearly said that she was going to provide Aradi with her lovely and
luscious presence.  Wimpy was affected to the depths of his soul.  He was going to
get to match wits with Pandora again.  His heart began to beat faster and faster.
Suddenly he realized that he had to get prepared so that he was ready when she
arrived.  Wimpy jumped up and headed for his quarters.
     It was later that day when the Judge arrived for a TOGS meeting.  The team of
Wimpy and the Judge was falling fast and the Judge wanted to meet in order to try and
stem the tide.  When the Judge failed to find Wimpy in his office, he went to the
practice field.  All the warriors were there working out, but Wimpy was not present.
Where the heck was he?  The Judge next tried the kitchen and dining area.  Still no
Wimpy.  The Judge proceeded to the long hall leading to the sleeping quarters.  When
he reached to door to Wimpy's bedroom, he heard some loud grunts and groans coming
from inside.  It sounded as if some poor soul was being tortured to death.  So,
without knocking, the Judge threw open the door and rushed into the room.  There he
beheld a sight such as he had never seen before.  Wimpy was in his red long johns
trying to force his overweight body into a heavy duty girdle.  With each tug and push
Wimpy let out a loud noise.  When Wimpy saw the Judge, he stopped trying to get the
girdle around his corpulent middle.
     "What the heck are you trying to do," exclaimed the Judge, "kill yourself?"
     "I am just working on making myself look a little better before I meet her."
     "Meet who?" asked the Judge.
     "Pandora, of course.  Haven't you heard?  She is coming to Aradi.  I haven't
seen her since she left Zensu.  Help me into this thing." begged Wimpy.
     "Hold on.  Just hold on." said the Judge.  "You never told me that you had
anything going with this Pandora person."
     "Well, I really never have, but this might be the time, before we start shedding
our warriors' blood all over the sands."
     "For god's sake, Wimpy, you are a prime example why God must love stupid people;
he made so many.  And anyway, your wild oats have turned to shredded wheat."
     While the Judge was ranting Wimpy managed to get the girdle over his midsection
and was standing in front of the mirror at his dressing table.  On the table were
several large bottles.  The Judge noticed the bottles and asked, "What is in these
bottles, Wimpy?  I've never know you to take a bunch of pills."
     Wimpy looked down at the bottles.  "That's Viagra, Judge."
     "Wimpy, there are 12 bottles of Viagra there.  What the heck is it for?"
     "Humm.  I really don't remember.  It is supposed to be good for something but
I'll be darned if I can recall what it is."
     "Enough of this crap, Wimpy.  You are so old you don't even know what the pills
are for, and..." the Judge said as he picked up the newsletter from the table, "look
again at these ads.  Right here."  The Judge pointed at Pandora's ad.  "See where it
says she is coming to straighten out her husband.  What part of the word HUSBAND
don't you understand?  No wonder we are having such a tough time with the TOGS.  You
are going through the change of life for the eighth time.  Start paying attention to
the fights."
     So, red faced, Wimpy took off his girdle, put on his full-length robe and headed
for the practice field.  He was not in a good mood.

              + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Five Spheres ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                               The Return of Nulnita!

     Long ago there was a time when the sleepy Ciudad de Aradi was known by a
different name.  It was a time of unrest, civil disobedience and the unthinkable
TC'ing of a manger known as Don Rhillion (who has since succumbed to the dulcet call
of a vodka bottle).  During this strange chaotic time, our beloved Aradi was
besmirched by the shameful moniker "Rio Vista" and we were forced to submit to the
foul rule of Ramon Hernandez Garcia De La Ben-Wa Enrique Hombre and his bumbling and
inept sidekick Sergeant Ganolus Oakleaf.
     These were sad times.
     The story has been told of the heroic deeds of Don Sentinel who, near single-
handedly, fought the tyrannical reign of Al-Hombre and shaved Bearfoot (tm) slippers
with his letter-opener.
     Now I will tell the continuing story of Nulnita, the hairy-lipped tavern wench
who was both heroine and tragic victim of our last epic.
     Nulnita owned the tavern in the plaza.  She waited the tables, cooked, tended
bar and did a little flamenco dancing on the side.  She was the most admired woman in
all of Aradi, for her full figure and her fine business sense.  As you can imagine, a
dusky-hued beauty like Nulnita had many ardent suitors.  None were more insistent
than the bumbling and inept Sergeant Oakleaf.  He pressed his affections (and his
hands) on poor Nulnita whenever he had the chance.
     Finally, during the times of turmoil, Nulnita chose to follow her heart and
joined Don Sentinel in his struggle with Al-hombre.  Don Sentinel partook of the
desert beauty's charms but was unwilling to legitimize their torrid affair by
marrying out of class.  Crushed, Nulnita disappeared and was not seen again in Aradi
(until the next installment of the story).
     Sadly, the cantina had fallen on hard times.  Without Nulnita's gentle hand, the
quality of service had deteriorated and the patrons began to reflect a seedier side
of the populace.
     Since her disappearance, the tavern had been managed by Nulnita's less
attractive cousin, Guardianna.  She was a large-boned, ample bosomed wench who felt
that she was needlessly disrespected by the various barflies.  Guardianna had hired a
pitiful creature to help with the menial tasks and work as a scullery.  She called
him Pepe but everyone else add "the Troll" when speaking of him.  Of course, the
state of the tavern was clearly his fault.
     "No one in this jerk-water town give a women like me the respect I deserve!  If
we were in one of the big cities, you'd be showing me a lot more respect, damn-it!
Pepe, this is clearly your fault!!!"
     The patrons quickly averted their eyes, not wanting to irritate the annoying
harpy any further.  All save the amorous Sergeant.  Ganolus had been watching
Guardianna, watching and imagining the delights that she presented.  Soon he would
make his move.
     'I'll show her how I respect her.' he thought.
     Don Rhillion downed the rest of his drink and said, "I can't believe that I'm
saying this, but I miss Nulnita."
     The rest of the group nodded, obviously missing Nulnita and her readily
available charms.
     Many miles away under a desert starlit sky was the object of their conversation.
Nulnita sat near the campfire, slowly strumming a guitar.
     "No, my hairy-lipped blossom, you grip the guitar like you are choking a
chicken.  You must ease your grip.  Caress the guitar like a lover."
     Nulnita started as the voice brought her back from the painful memories of Death
Stud and his mighty rooster.
     "Nulnita, pay attention. You must gently strum the chords.  Imagine that they
are the six hairs on Senor Soultaker's head.  You don't want to pull out the
     Nulnita sighed:
     "El Voyde, I cannot put my past behind me.  I cannot live in my music like you.
I have known love and its bittersweet passions.  I must return to Aradi and win the
love of Don Sentinel!"
     El Voyde was quiet while he considered Nulnita.  He rose and took the guitar.
     "I had hoped that the life of el mariachi would sooth your troubled soul but I
see that it is not to be.  I will return with you and perhaps help you win the love
of this lucky man, this Don Sentinel."

             + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Superior Forces ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
              Encyclopedia Manager and the Case of the Murdered Mascot
     No crime went unsolved in the otherwise normal town of Aradiville.  Although
everyone credited Arenamaster Harkon of the Dark Arena for this incredible record,
the truth was that his young colleague, Encyclopedia, solved the toughest cases.
Encyclopedia's real name was Manager, but everyone called him Encyclopedia Manager
because he knew everything.  An encyclopedia is a series of books that grade school
kids plagiarize when doing their science reports for school.
     During TOGS, Encyclopedia Manager ran a detective agency out of his garage.  His
old partner, Captain Kimball, was fired after Encyclopedia Manager won the Combined
Primus TC.  The Combined Primus TC was the most prestigious tournament championship
in the entire world.  It was much more prestigious than the non-combined Primus TCs
that Death Stud and Guardian have won in the past.
     One day Encyclopedia Manager hung his sign on the garage:

|     13 ROVER AVENUE      |
|    50 Cents per day      |
|     plus expenses        |

     Suddenly a man dripping with green snot approached him.  Snot is nasal mucus, or
     "Greetings. I am Snotman!"  The oozing figure stepped forward and dropped two
quarters on top of Manager's piggy bank.  "Hey, didn't you used to charge 24 cents?"
     "I figure a Primus TC is worth another 25 cents for my expertise," Encyclopedia
Manager said humbly, "What can I do to help?"
     "Someone killed our mascot, Dotty, at the tournament!" Snotman wailed.
     "Calm down." Encyclopedia Manager handed Snotman a tissue, but he wasn't sure if
it would help.  "Tell me everything that happened."
     Snotman covered one of his pores with a tissue and began to tell his tale.  "It
was the first night of the tourney.  The FONZ had left our mascot sheep, Dotty, in
her pen while we turned in for the night.  When we got back the next morning, we
found Dotty, hung from the ceiling, violated and murdered!"
     "Nuln Meany?" asked Manager.  Nuln Meany, was the leader of the local gang in
     "No, it couldn't have been him." Snotman sniffed, "He was already gone when the
last of the FONZ left the tournament area.  It had to have been Guardian."
     Encyclopedia Manager gasped.  If it was indeed Guardian, it would be difficult
to get him to admit that he was the one who killed Dotty.
     "Let's go confront him." said Manager.
     The two of them made their way to Guardian's guildhouse.  Upon seeing the
Encyclopedia and Snotman, the mega-manager began to scowl.  A mega-manager is an
affectionate term of describing someone who you want to tell: "I'm jealous of your
success, you lucky bastard!"
     "Beat it, I'm busy!" Guardian hissed.
     "You killed Dotty!" Snotman accused angrily, "Don't lie, I know you did it!"
     "That's ridiculous," Guardian laughed, "why would I do such a thing?"
     "You were the only one around, when the last of the FONZ went to bed." replied
Snotman, "It had to have been you."
     "I was there," Guardian admitted, "but I was doing my rookies.  I sent so many
rookies to the tournament that I had to get strategies for them all.  I had no time
to kill your sheep."
     "That's true, you did have a lot of rookies." said Snotman, his voice trailing
     "As a matter of fact, I was doing my strategy for my latest godling.  Check this
guy out," Guardian pulled out a printout from his laptop showed it to the twosome, "a
nice 11-3-9-21-17-12-11 lunger.  He came back +4 riposte and great damage too.  hosed
in endurance though.  I had to change his train to will so he could pick up an
endurance bump."
     Snotman looked at the overview, dumbfounded, "I guess there's nothing we can
do." he dropped his head in disappointment.  "I still think you did it, but
apparently you have an airtight alibi.
     "Not true." said Encyclopedia Manager, "Guardian killed Dotty and he is lying."

(Keep reading to find out the answer)

              + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Black Friars ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Rude Buddha squinted, and lazily tried to wave the stray rays of sunlight which
broke through the curtains.  His arm flopped to the floor with a heavy thud, as if a
great weight rested upon it.  His head throbbed.  The last thing he remembered was
ducking McCain.  Had McCain caught him?  Doubtful, as he was still alive.  Surely
Mannequin would not be merciful after the performance of those lousy actors-turned-
duelists in the TOGS tournament.  Rude Buddha felt brave and opened one eye, scanning
the room.  Something was amiss.  A tension was building.  WHAM!  Flung from his
perch, Buddha sprawled on the wooden floor, spinning to see what had happened.  A
lump of pillows stirred in the bed and Buddha slowly raised his left hand to scratch
his head and he caught a glimpse of reflected light from the same ray that had so
rudely burst through the flimsy curtains.
     "What the...?!  For there on Buddha's hand rested a golden shackle, er, ring....
He leapt to his feet, uncovering the pillows that lay in his bed.
     "These aren't pillows!" Buddha fell back against the wall, the events of the
last six weeks rushing over him.  A flood of gossamer memories intertwined and woven
into one and final realization...Rude Buddha got married!
     "TOGS, I've got to get back to Aradi."  The team surely must have suffered in
his absence.  When Buddha wasn't in attendance at the training sessions, they tended
to degenerate into a series of melodramatic, over-acted death scenes, as each of the
warriors were drawn into a whirlpool of one-ups-manship each focusing on simulating
excruciating and moving demises rather than attempting to actually practicing.
Gaining composure, and holding his breath, he watched his alleged bride slumber for a
moment and began nervously glancing towards the door.  With careful footwork, he
minimized the squeaks as he tiptoed to the door and slipped through it.  He burst
into a run, exiting the small house, and into the streets he frantically searched for
a newspaper.  He slipped one from underneath the head of a bum, and relieved him of
the whisky bottle that was nestled in the bum's sleeping embrace.
     Buddha searched for some shade and finally came to rest underneath a large
willow tree.  Taking a swig of the whisky and spilling some down his chin, he began
scanning the paper for any news of TOGS.
     "Mannequin is really going to kill me now.  Anti/Snotman (a.k.a. Kleenex) is
even ahead of us now."  Buddha began reading the news from TOGS and smiled as he read
of the managers who are headed to Solven to take on that low-down, good-for-nothing,
down-challenging punk, Kellumbo.  "Give 'em hell, guys."  Buddha winced as he read
the most disturbing news of the gnome-run infirmary.  Yet, he felt it couldn't be all
bad if "Horton Hears a Who" was required reading.
     "What!?  The Black Friars had moved up five spots?  7-4 over the last three
turns?  Last I remembered they were 5-10.  Obviously in my absence they realized the
wisdom of my counsel and at last decided to implement my finely-honed strategies and
techniques."  Maybe TOGS would turn out all right after all.  Now, if only he could
remember the name of his bride....

    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Closing time at the Scrod Shoppe ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Elephant ushered the last of the days customers out the door with a reminder to
come back Saturday for the midnight madness sale.  As soon as they were out he locked
the door and flipped the sign in the window to closed.
     "Boy am I glad today is over," he said to Indimar as he got a broom out of the
Barnabas box/broom closet (only Soultaker still hid in it since Barnabas joined the
FONZ).  This place was a zoo today."
     "Just think about how much money this zoo is making us and it will ease your
pain," Indimar said as he began to count the day's receipts.  "When I get done here,
I need to write up an order to the novelty company.  Is there anything you think I
should add to the order?"
     "You better get another case of Golden Scrod snowglobes and a dozen cans of Dr.
Togs Sex Wax.  By the way, what were you and Barnabas laughing about when he was in
     "He was telling me a story about Onedawg," chuckled Indimar.  "You remember
Tmoney from Valamantis?  Well, it turns out that they're brothers and once when they
were kids, about two weeks ago, Tmoney brought home a skunk he caught and wanted to
keep it in the room he shared with Onedawg.  When his parents asked him what he was
going to do about the smell he said the skunk would just have to learn to live with
it like he did."
     "That is the oldest joke in the world," groaned Elephant.  "But speaking of
Onedawg, did he ever come in to pick up his padded Golden Scrodpiece?"
      "I told you before, it's quilting not padding.  Onedawg must have told me ten
times it was for the cold, not for purposes of male enhancement.  You must learn to
speak of our customers with respect."
     "Whatever," snorted Elephant.  "I saw how much 'quilting' was in that scrodpiece
and I am here to tell you one thing, it don't get that damn cold around here."
     "Whatever," mocked Indimar.  "I'm gonna go lock this money in the safe.  Do you
need anything from the back room?"
     "You could bring out a couple of gift baskets to fill up the Scrodshire Farms
display," said Elephant as he bent to sweep the fruits of his labor into the dust

Tune in next week for another action packed episode of Wing Hove.

             + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ My Best Buds 2 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     After a long time away, the veteran manager wondered what he would find upon his
return to his team in Aradi.  He had spent a prolonged time away tending to business
with some other teams, including attending celebrations for three warriors who were
called to the Isle of the Eye by Sheila Greywand.  There were also some new teams and
contests that were soon to begin for him.  To top it all off, the boat trip back
encountered a pretty rough storm.  Many things ran through his mind, he had received
word, as well, that his trainer had made several vital decisions about the overall
makeup of the team.  Though he was sure his old friend was quite capable of properly
handling the situation there was still some apprehension about exactly what had taken
place, the message was very generic and contained no real specifics.  After all, this
team was full of what were some very difficult personalities to deal with.
     After disembarking the ship it soon became apparent that his carriage was
nowhere to be found, and his desire to return back to the guildhouse for some much
needed rest was quickly dashed.  "For the love of the gods why does this all have to
happen at once, " he exclaimed.  Looking around for someone who might give him a ride
he could find nobody with a carriage, or a horse for that matter.  "I sure hope Death
Commander has done a better job of managing the team than he has in getting my
carriage here to pick me up, " spurted out loud from his mouth with a certain degree
of anger.
     "Hey, you bunch of idiots have you got that wheel fixed or what?  Street Legal
is sure to be sitting at the harbor cursing all of our names right about now," Death
Commander spit almost prophetically.  "You sorry bunch of fools take advantage of the
fact that I give you a little extra freedom with the changes you've had to go through
recently and you go and get all tanked up and break the wheel off the carriage.  You
never did explain exactly how you managed this anyway," he queried.
     "Sir, it's my fault," Jamaican Gold said in a shaken voice. "I suggested that
our team of horses could easily whoop the tails off the old mules Demons of Darkness
has and as we rounded the last corner before the finish I looked back to see if they
were even in sight and took the turn to wide."
     The scarred figure shook his head in almost disbelief, "I hope you at least beat
them after all it's cost, in money and time, to repair the damage done.  And I hope
you won something more than foolish pride as well."
     Jamaican Gold smiled widely and said, "Sir, indeed we did win, and unfortunately
for them the bar tab they paid that night was far greater than the cost of the
repairs to the carriage, I will happily make sure that we pay for the repairs.  After
all, we still came out ahead!"  The other new teammate turned and slapped hands with
her as the other three sat with smiles of guilty pleasure on their faces as they
watched the two haphazardly repair the broken wheel.
     Death Commander smiled a small smile and chuckled quietly to himself as he
turned to walk back into the guildhouse.  "You had better hurry down to the harbor
the instant you finish the repairs, Street Legal will certainly be waiting
impatiently for you there," he turned and shouted over his shoulder.  He was quite
pleased that he had chosen her over the other possible warrior to join the team.  She
seemed to have taken a leadership role among her teammates despite only having fought
one round of fights with them, and the original three seemed quite fond of her.  It
was key that the newer members fit right in after the original team had recently been
     As Street Legal sat on a small wooden bench looking across the turbulent sea he
reminded himself that he must look up Barnabas and congratulate him on his recent
tourney successes.  He had just recently learned that he was present in the Aradi
arena, and having been so busy in the last few months he had lost contact with him,
and was even to busy to realize that he had a presence in this arena.  A smile
crossed his face, replacing the scowl that had been there, as he thought about the
near brawl that broke out after some verbal spars that broke out between himself,
Barnabas, and Ichabod Frothingslosh.  That truly did become quite a heated situation
and even Ichabod understood that he had crossed the line a bit in the situation.  He
laughed out loud as he sat there thinking about that situation.
     After an hour of sitting he decided to start walking, he picked out a point
shortly into the journey where he figured if he passed and did not find any sign of
his carriage or someone from the team, he would make them pay dearly.  He was not
going to mess around with this one, this was a long month for him and he did not need
to deal with petty stuff like this.  It was barely two or three minutes into his walk
that he heard the sound of a team of horses coming from ahead.  "Come on, Monkey,
let's get a move on.  This is definitely big trouble if the others made us go and
pick up Street Legal." Jamaican Gold said uneasily.  The two had never met him and
had no idea of what to expect.  They were pretty sure they would hear about this the
whole ride back, and they would soon find out whether their manager was a raving
lunatic or was somewhat reasonable.
     Rounding the corner into the harbor town area Jamaican Gold recognized the crest
on Street Legal's armor as he walked along the side of the road.  Monkey's Paw coaxed
the team over to him and stopped just short of where he stood.  "Sir, our apologies
for being late but we had to repair the carriage," he said hanging his head a little,
"we got a little carried away with it last night but don't worry we intend to pay for
the damages."
     "Yes, you two must be new to the team."  They shook their heads yes and helped
him into the back.  "Actually having spent so long waiting for you I've already heard
the story of how you challenged, and soundly defeated, the Demons of Darkness to a
race."  They hung their heads.  "Buck up, you two.  I guess the wait was not too bad,
and I was able to discern that you both won your first fight, annnd of course you got
me a little something to brag about to those Demons."  He smiled as he spoke, and the
two spent plenty of time getting to meet their manager on the ride back to the

             + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Superior Forces ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Solution to the Case of the Murdered Mascot:

     Guardian may have run a lot of Rookies at the Face to Face tournament, but in
his over-eagerness to show off his warrior, he slipped up.  When trying to improve
your endurance, the correct train on an 11-3-9-21-17-12-11 warrior is STRENGTH or
CON, not Will as the formula is ST+CN * WL.  A veteran such as Guardian would have
never made such a rookie mistake during the tournament and try to train Will when he
could have gotten more out of training ST or CN.
     Despite his exaggeration being called, Guardian continued to deny the murder of
Dotty.  Eventually, the case went to trial and Guardian tried to blame everything in
Pip.  Judge convicted Guardian of sheep murder, but Guardian was able to get away
with probation due to having a high priced lawyer.
     After Guardian was convicted, Encyclopedia Manager went out for ice cream to
celebrate the death of Dotty and Guardian getting framed for it.  "That will teach
them to call me Manalger." he said to himself.

  + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ "The Real World -- Aradi"  Episode 4 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Producers from AMTV huddled in the corner of the studio to decide whether or not
to kick Ganolus off the show for fighting with Guardian at Boots & Spurz during
Episode 3 of "The Real World -- Aradi."  On one hand, physical fights outside the
arena were not tolerated under any circumstances, and Ganolus had signed a binding
contract wherein he acknowledged this rule, and agreed to adhere to it.  Could the
producers risk having Ganolus go on the road trip to Solven?  Would he get into a
fist fight with Detective Kellumbo of Solven?  On the other hand, the producers felt
sorry for Ganolus, as he stood in eighth place after five turns of the TOGS IV, and
had fought a manager (Guardian) whose team was second to last in the TOGS.  After
mulling over the pros and cons, the AMTV producers decided to let Ganolus stay.
After a short recap of the events of Episode 3, Episode 4 began....

     Death Stud and Judge were outside the AMTV guildhouse packing up the Aradi Real
World's SUV for the road trip to Solven.  "So what are we going to do about
Kellumbo?" inquired Death Stud.
     "Someone needs to teach him a lesson," stated Judge.
     Nuln walked outside, wearing only a towel, and looking like he just woke up, and
carrying what appeared to be a glass of tomato juice with a large celery stick
protruding out of the glass.
     "Dude, I am so beat," muttered Nuln.  "What are you guys doing?"
     "We are packing for the road trip to Solven to beat down Kellumbo," stated Death
Stud in an annoyed voice.
     "Put on some clothes, get your weapons and let's go."
     Nuln inquired, "So what is the big deal about Kellumbo anyway?"
     "He makes massive downchallenges with high kill desires, and then gloats like a
third grader about his winning percentage," exclaimed Judge.  "He is annoying, and he
is a moron."
     "Put down that Bloody Mary, get some clothes on, and get your stuff!" yelled
Wimpy to Nuln, as Wimpy carried a large box of morning stars and battles axes out to
the SUV.  Nuln wandered back inside and entered the confessional.  "I am tired of
everyone getting on my case about my drinking and how I dress."
     "I am on this program because of my charm and my good looks; why can't everyone
understand that?" Nuln lamented into the confessional camera.
     The Aradi Real World cast finally headed out on the road in their SUV for
Solven.  After 28 grueling hours on the road, the Real World cast finally reached the
outskirts of Solven.  "Let's go to the Solven Saloon and Dance Hall," said Judge.
     "I need a drink," muttered Anti.
     The AMTV camera crew followed the cast from "The Real World -- Aradi" into the
Solven Saloon and Dance Hall.  Wimpy and Judge immediately noticed that Kellumbo was
sitting in a corner booth gloating to several women about his winning percentage in
Solven, and the fact that he had recently killed one of Death Stud's new warriors
with a downchallenge.
     Death Stud approached Kellumbo and said, "Let's go right now!"
     Judge grabbed Death Stud's arm.  "Not here--in the Solven arena," he said.
     Kellumbo smirked, "Bring it on, Death Stud.  I am undefeated against you...."

     To be continued in Episode 5 of "The Real World, Aradi!"

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                Yukon's T@%$ Spotlight #7 This Week in T@#$ part VII

Yukon:  Welcome to This Week In T@%$.  This is your host Yukon Cornelius...
Shadowgate:  ...and his co-host Shadowgate.
Yukon:  Well, it sure is nice to finally be back in Aradi.  After you ditched me in
Snowbound and then going to the face it sure has been a hectic few weeks.
Shadowgate:  And how was your face?
Yukon:  Sub-par really.  I picked up this nasty cold in Snowbound and I felt so
crappy I could hardly take advantage of the open bar.
Shadowgate: I  bet they were happy about that.
Yukon:  Most likely saved them a bunch of cash.  The only plus side to the whole cold
thing was that Soultaker had an even worse one then I did.
Shadowgate:  I guess that just proves that it's colder in Aradi's chicken coops at
midnight than it is in Snowbound.
Yukon:  You may be right.  The big news from the D.O.A. was that they had 3 TC's.
Everyone who went but me won a class.
Shadowgate:  Must have been the cold.
Yukon:  That's my story.  Of course Manager won Gate-mus....
Shadowgate:  I thought it was now called Pri-way?
Yukon:  Whatever.  Either way, he won the top class so he was walking on cloud nine.
I am really not looking forward to today's farm report.
Shadowgate:  Are you ever?
Yukon:  Not really.  In other face news, the FONZ kicked the crap out of DOA/BOB in
the grudge matches.  Those losers in BOB went 0-4.
Shadowgate:  But didn't you go 0-2 as well?
Yukon:  I was taking one for the team.  Two in fact.  I ran filler crap in a few
classes that no one else had stuff in....
Shadowgate:  Yeah.  Right.
Yukon: ...and I had a cold....
Shadowgate:  Do you want some more time to think of some better excuses?
Yukon:  Ok.  I stunk.  Oh well, maybe next face.
Shadowgate: Ok folks, it's time for the Aradi's farm report brought to you by
Hombre's Hairy Legwarmers....
Yukon:  It's not Hombre's legwarmer company any more.
Shadowgate:  It's not?  What happened?
Yukon:  He sold it Nuln at the face.  He needed some extra cash for some new
Shadowgate:  So now it's Nuln's Hairy Legwarmers?
Yukon:  Nope.  He doesn't wear them on his legs.  He is changing them so you have to
wear them on your nipples.
Shadowgate:  So you're telling me the Farm report is now sponsored by Nuln's Hairy
Yukon:  Yep.  They are quite comfy.  It's kind of like snuggling with a wombat....
Shadowgate:  Stop!  I don't want to know.  Let's bring in Manager.
Manager:  I did it!  I did it!  I did it!  This has been the greatest few weeks of my
life.  I did it!  I did it!  I did it!
Yukon:  Oh brother.
Manager: That's right.  I did it!  Me and no one else!
Shadowgate: Yea, Yea!  We get it.  Congratulations on the Priway...
Yukon: ...Gatemus...
Shadowgate: ...TC.  It's a great accomplishment and all, but stop jumping around like
a schoolgirl on crack already.
Manager:  What?  No, you don't understand.  This isn't about my TC.  That was great
and all.  A life long dream really.  But this is bigger then that.
Shadowgate:  Bigger then TC the top class in the game?
Manager:  Yes.  Much bigger.
Shadowgate:  No!  It can't be!  Don't tell me you found one?
Manager:  I did!  I did!
Shadowgate:  I don't believe you.
Manger:  I have a picture of it to prove to the world that they exist.
Yukon:  What the hell are you two talking about?
Shadowgate:  For years, Manager has been looking for this mythical beast.  I never
thought he'd find it.
Manager:  But I did!  I did!  I had a hunch that the FONZ had one stashed away for
the own personal reasons.  I overheard Hombre and Snotman talking about it at the
face.  So the other night I crept down to their headquarters and sure enough it was
there.  I snapped a quick picture and then got out of there.
Yukon:  So what is it.  Bigfoot?  The Loch Ness Monster?
Manager:  No.  It's the Tandem Sheep!
Yukon:  The what?
Manager:  The Tandem Sheep!  That's right, a sheep built for two.  And I have a
picture of it.
Yukon:  Let me see that!
Manager:  Do you know what this means!  No more walking around in a dark field by
yourself.  You can now take a friend with you.  And then neither of you has to wait
for s--
Yukon:  Em...Manager?  This isn't a sheep.
Manager:  What?
Yukon:  This isn't a picture of a sheep.  It's a picture of two guys in a sheep
costume.  If you look really closely at the feet you can see they are wearing
Manager:  No!  It can't be a fake!
Yukon:  It sure is.  Now that I'm looking really close at it I'm pretty sure that's
Soultaker and Death Stud in the costume.
Manager:  NOOOOOO!  Give me the phone...I'm calling them right now....
Snotman:  Hello?  FONZ headquarters.
Snotman:  Oh.  Hi Manalger!  Find any strange farm animals recently?
Rest of FONZ in the background:  BRAHAHAHAHAHAHA...........
Snotman:  Sorry Manalger!  We didn't mean to be BAAAAAAAd.
Rest of FONZ, Yukon, and Shadowgate:  BRAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...
Yukon:  Well, we knew you were going to be full of yourself after TC'ing so we
thought we come up with a way to bring down a bit.
Snotman:  It was all Yukon's idea.
Yukon:  Hey now, don't give me all the credit, Snotty.  You helped work out all the
Snotman:  I guess you could say it was a "Tandem" effort. 
FONZ, Yukon, and Shadowgate:  BRAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...
Manager:  THAT'S IT!  I QUIT......
Yukon:  OK.  That's it for this episode of TWiT.
Shadowgate:  And remember, it's better to be BAAAAAAAd than it is to be Manalger....

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
            Shadow Sign's Team Spotlight #7 "To Kill a Twit or to Settle"

     Well, after Yukon had decided that he was going to make the tourney and was
going to do the TWiT from there, Yukon became a new man.  He was laughing and talking
as he packed his things and headed off with The Creepster.  The Creepster and all of
his Consortium buddies where going to honor the TWiT with their appearance.  Yukon,
figured that the suit would be dropped soon and that even if not he would be out of
the jurisdiction of the court order.
     A couple days later when he heard from Yukon things seemed to be going well.
Yukon had a number of guys still going in the tourney as of 2pm on Saturday...a good
thing for him.  Round 3 is when most get sick of losing.  It also sounded like he was
having some fun at the bar and even said some queer thing about going to a spa after
the tourney!  Shadowgate hoped he had misheard that part!  The mere beginning of the
thought of him in...retch...barf...gag...puke.  Ok, thinking of other stuff!
Shadowgate was just hoping his proxy would look at his warriors now and then.  He
decided not to ask Yukon as he had too much on his plate as it was...then he always
did!  He seemed to always have 20+ Rookies running no matter how good they were or
were not!
     Shadowgate ported back to Aradi and to his office.  Aradi might not always be
his style but at least it was a lot warmer than Snowbound!  Between freaks and
freezing, Shadowgate would take the freaks.  After taking off all the extra layers of
clothing, Shadowgate noticed there was a note from Judge.  He wanted a meeting to
discuss the "Twit" issue and to see if there would be an easy way of settling it
without dragging it through the courts and without having to further drag Twit to The
Grey Lady's tower.  Although there was not direct evidence of Yukon's or Shadowgate's
participation on the acts perpetrated on Twit; Judge was sure they would stop once it
was resolved.
     Shadowgate also noticed that there was a note from White Raven with the recent
happenings in Aradi, especially those relating to Shadowgate's interests.  He noticed
that the Twit had been released on a large bond but had then had a thousand pizzas
delivered to him and was being held accountable for the cost.  He had then found that
his every move was now being monitored by all the local as well as some of the
regional news outlets.  No one wanted to miss what happened next to Twit.  There were
even a number of bookies taking bets on what would befall him next.  Shadowgate
thought about having someone else put a bet in for him but that might be traced.
     So far Shadowgate could honestly state that he had no direct part in anything
that had befell the poor Twit.  Now that might change depending on the meeting with
the Judge and what Yukon was willing to do if push came to shove.  Eternal death was
still an option for immortals and you had to find the body to have anyone raise it.
     Shadowgate then went over last turn's stats and while they where not great and
none of his challenges had made it through, Yukon and he where still in the lead.
The tourney could help them keep that lead but Shadowgate doubted any of either
Yukon's or Shadowgate's mistimed entries could go passed round 6.  When the tourney
report final did come, most of that was born out in that only one did anything and
surprisingly it was his warrior who was 1-5 in the arena!  He had amazingly gone 5-3-
1 as a 6FE Initiate!  That would help.  Maybe now finally this guy could win a fight
in the regular arena!  Shadowgate would have DAed him long ago but there was always
the chance he would get something much worse!  Shadowgate decided to pay a visit to
his stable and was coming down the stairs when Yukon entered the guild house with a
huge grin.
     "Wow!  You must have done better than I had heard in the tourney!" said
     "NOPE!  My squad nose dived after round 6 or 7 and I was only able to pull off 2
TV's.  But other things seem to be looking up so it doesn't bother me." said Yukon
     "Wow!  Only 2 TV's, huh, that is what I got out of my 12 proxied warriors!" said
     "Whatever!  I did have a cold, you know!  I wasn't even able to drink as much as
I normally would and that really threw off my game." said Yukon
     "Ok, so what is the good news?  Well, Manager TCed Gatemus and needed an ego
drain, and I came up with a good one.  Plus I just settled the lawsuit with TWit."
said Yukon
     "Ok, we will get back to Manager, but how did you settle?  Does the Judge know?
He wanted to meet with us this afternoon to end this suit." said Shadowgate
     "I am not sure if Judge knows or not but he might be wanting to make my
agreement all legal and all.  I agreed to 'try' to stop all the death attempts on him
and to pay for the pizzas he received the other day.  I also agreed to allow a cow to
voice his ACUL drivel." said Yukon.
     "Cool, so once we deal with the Twit and the Judge, we can focus on the contest.
Not that we seem to have needed to up until now.  However, with the bonus rounds
coming up, standings can change quickly!" said Shadowgate.
     White Raven entered the guild house and walked up to Shadowgate.  "Well, the
Twit died again today.  Someone stuffed him into a keg and then put him with a
shipment of other kegs heading for the mainland.  If it wasn't for the press watching
him and notifying the authorities, he might not have been found for months!"
     "Darn it!  I knew there was something I forgot to do after talking to the Twit!"
said Yukon under his breath.
     "Now, that may cause us problems with closing the deal on this suit!" said

End of Shadowgate's Spot #7 to be continued in "Meeting with a Pickled Twit and the

                 + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Losers ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Guardian stood in the front of the ship.  After the tourney, he was eager to
return to Aradi.  With a few properly placed bribes, he had secured himself an
important position; Free Cities Ambassador to Aradi.  Hopefully Malaquar had followed
the instructions he had left for him.  Guardian would be busy when he got to Aradi, 
he had a lot of things for Malaquar to do for him.
     When the ship reached the dock, Guardian was the first one off.  He walked up
the crowded dock; hundreds of trolls were unloading thousands of bricks from ships.
He spotted Malaquar standing on the shore.  He walked up to him and asked, "How are
the plans coming along?".
     "We're currently ahead of schedule.  We've obtained these areas." Malaquar
pointed to a large section of Aradi that was shaded in.  "The walls are about halfway
done, we've cleared this area here, and the delivery should be here any minute", said
Malaquar, pointing to a area within the shaded area.
     "So this is part of it then?" Guardian asked.
     "Yep, this is within the embassy walls, you're on Free Cities territory right
now." answered Malaquar.
     "Excellent," said Guardian, pressing his hands together, "I can't stand standing
on Andorian soil.  Get back to work now, I'm gonna check out the grounds for a
while."  Guardian began walking along the wall that the trolls were busy building.
The area enclosed within the walls was enormous, Malaquar had acquired a huge portion
of the city for the embassy.  Guardian kept walking along the wall, thinking to
himself about all the fun things he would be able to do with diplomatic immunity.  He
heard a crash and a sickening thump up ahead, and rushed up to see what it was.  As
he rounded the corner, he saw that Pip had been crushed by a huge stone that had
fallen as it was being placed on the wall.
     He walked up to Pip and said, "You know, clearly this is your fault.  Walking
down here and distracting my workers making them drop things.  They are on a
deadline, you know."  He kicked Pip in the head and asked, "And where's your hardhat?  
Accidents can happen and I don't need my insurance rates skyrocketing.  Malaquar!!!
Bring the spatula!!!"
     Guardian heard wings flapping and he looked up to see a group of dragons
airlifting the CDC citadel into the area Malaquar had cleared.  Malaquar came running
over, spatula in hand, yelling, "It's here, it's here!  Headquarters is here!  And
it's way better than that inflatable fort we used to have!"
     "Scrape up Pip and bring him inside." Guardian said, as he walked off towards
the citadel.  He walked in the front door, and climbed the stairs to the very top
floor.  He walked up to the balcony and looked out over his new domain.  The trolls
had almost completed the walls, and the sun was just rising.  Quite an achievement
for one night.  He settled into a chair and thought, "Nice town, I'll take it."

         + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Lurocians Reloaded VII ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Even though I hoped it was a dream, in my heart I knew it wasn't.  I pulled
myself together and looked up at Sandeous.
     "So how about you show me around this place." I said.
     "Well, we are in an underground storage unit right now.  We are constantly
moving from building to building as the machines are always trying to catch us." she
     The building we were in was not very remarkable, in fact, it was downright
dirty.  It was composed of only three floors.  I was on the first floor in a room
near the end of the hallway.  Sandeous lead me down the hallway past several closed
doors.  Along the way I met a new person.
     "Is this him?" he questioned
     "Yes." replied Sandeous.
     "I can't believe it's really him." he said, sounding like a 10 year old kid who
had just gotten a new toy.
     "Who are you?" I asked.
     "Oh me...well I'm called Sentinel.  Well, that's what they used to call me.
Then they started naming those things that come after us Sentinels.  I didn't really
like that they used my name for that.  So I um...changed my name to Travis." He
     "Well, nice to meet you.  I'm Geo, or as my friends know me The Greek Guy."
     He stepped back away from me when I said that.
     "Greek, huh.  Well, that's nice.  So are you like the other Greeks?  I mean you
know a...well...." he asked.
     "No.  I get really tired of that stupid stereotype.  Just because I have the
word Greek in my name doesn't mean I chase guys and yell 'Hoopah' all the time." I
answered back angrily.
     "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to offend you." he stammered.
     "It's OK.  In my world I just went to a big tournament and some guy named
Soultaker, I know stupid name, kept yelling hoopah every time he saw me.  Of course
he had been drinking a lot so I let it slide.  Really sad how bad his warriors were
too." I said.
     "Well, we need to be going Travis." Sandeous said.
     "Oh yea, sorry.  I'll see you later.  Ok.  Maybe we can play UNO or something."
he said.
     "Yea, maybe." I lied back.
     With that he ran off down the hall and we continued on our way.  She lead me
down the hallway to a sealed door.  She opened it and I was in shock at what I saw.
The room had a huge thing on the wall and numbers were just falling down it.  There
were also several chairs with people sitting in them with some type of cord attached
to their neck.  They looked like they were sleeping, but occasionally they would jerk
or move.
     "What is that?" I asked, pointing at the people in the chairs.
     "They are learning new skills to use in your world.  Remember your world is just
imaginary.  We can get into the code and make you learn to fight in ways you never
knew and use skills you never had." she said.
     "Are you serious?  Can you show me?" I asked.
     "Sure just sit down and lean back." she said.
     Another voice from the back said, "You're in for a hell of a ride."  Somehow I
had the feeling they were right.

To be continued

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
    Lost in HAL's World, or I Just Gotta Complain, or, It's all About Me, Right?
                                     -- By Ghoti

Well, like several others recently, HAL corrupted my last spotlight.  Not my fault,
Not Ed.'s fault, just HAL.  So I will sort of summarize what I am sure you all want
to know.
     FONZ gathering et al., Beach Ball Death Stud, Giraffes choke on pistachio nuts
and Tie Dye Leather Muumuus.  Dangerously Horny Rhinos and Snotman can't get him
none.  Giraffes have ambidextrous tongues and are tasty.  We need More Giraffes.
Judge can't sue.  Wimpy wants control.  Everyone wonders what really happened.

     And now for something completely....

     I gave you all some opportunity to seize the moment, I offered you the exotic
and most of you are still stuck on chickens and sheep.  I offered you a new fashion
trend.  I offered you exotic foods without Scrod meat.  And what do I get?  Slighted.
Nobody wants to include me in their Manager games.  NOT that I need to be.  Even my
TOGS partner has not let me help him beat up a monster ummmm...yet.  I mean, I have a
weapon.  The Solven Army Knife of the "RED" death!  I can fold it open into almost
any magic weapon I want or to suit the need.  The SPOON of brain scooping.  The FORK
of neck jabbing.  The toothpick of mouse filleting, the magnifying lens of asshe
burning.  The tweezers of nose-hair plucking!  And many other torturous tools and
deadly implements.  It has three, count 'em, three! blades.  And with a lot of
unfolding one of em even makes a great sword.  And yet, it still fits in your pocket
or belt pouch.
     I have a regular sword too!  Well sort of regular.  It is a combination blade.
Called a Long Scimipee.   And I use it because my fighting style is Slungaripper.  I
even carry a small pouch full of "rocks of returning" (TM) and a sling of distance to
use as bashing distance weapons.  And you guessed it, they are magical.
     As for me, I like a little gambling, slight of hand you know.  Got that
dexterity thing going.  But mostly I travel.  I have...befriended many of the most
hated of races.  Dragons, Orcs, slaves, Shapeshifters and of course, Ogres.  I have
found magic items to suit my needs.  Glass marbles that let me teleport to dragon
bones and scales with mind altering properties of their own.  Ogre gall stones that
increase your strength on a temporary basis.  I have 17 magical items.  And I can't
possibly tell you how all of them work in the number of lines I am struggling to
reach here. I am sure it would help me get there if I did though.
     Now, just to remind you, I gave yas some stuff to work with .  I know you can
use this stuff, it only goes back like a turn or three.  I have read what some of you
try to imagine and I really can't believe you all have those kinds of fetishes.

     OK, I heard a rumor Pip the Troll and Indimar have teamed up over the discovery
of a strange new metal they are making weapons out of.  It was found about 40 feet
beneath Guardian's outhouse.  It is a shiny brown hard but malleable substance and
they calls it FONZonite.  Is this rumor true?
     I think I made my 31 lines.  Do spaces count?

               + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Darque Ages ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "Leviticus, bring me a thick cloak and some appropriate clothing for Alastari."
     "What part, sir?" Leviticus inquired.  He stood in front of the desk in his
master's study.  His hands clasped before him in subservience.
     "Northern coastal areas, in and around Aradi if my coordinates are correct."
Darque was casually flipping through an ancient tome upon his desk.  It would take
Leviticus a few hours to pack his bags, so he intended to spend his time in study.
     "Will there be anything else, master?"  Darque dismissed him with a flippant
hand motion, never taking his eyes from the book.  "Very well, sir."
     As his servant left the study, Darque turned another page.  He had spent nearly
two months researching the oldest tomes he could gain access to on Alastari and other
planes of existence.  The hard work had paid off in the end.  He had found the
information he sought.  The fact that a few innocent people died here and there did
not bother the necromancer.  The end always justified the means.
     A small island east of Aradi held the key that he was searching for to further
his evil plans.  An artifact of great power was last reported near the small city of
Lydel.  With TOGS IV taking place in Aradi, he would have the excuse he needed to be
in the area.  He could not however employ his gladiators in the expedition due to the
contest.  Maybe he could pick up a mercenary or two in Lydel.  It was doubtful, due
to the size of the town, but worth a try as every expedition needed sacrificial
     Leviticus was never a help on these excursions.  he was a wonderful servant, but
not a good traveling companion.  Phantasm and The Omnimancer were off on their own
adventures, so it would be pointless to try and contact either of them.  The other
members of the Vendetta Cartel were grouped in North Fork and Morya for contests.
Also, none of his alliance members shared his affinity for deeds of malevolence.  No,
his next step was to plan his route into the unknown from the city of Lydel.
     Every tome that he could find made reference to an ancient sorcerer by the name
Bahutep.  He was a sorcerer and a cleric to the ancient gods of Alastari.  He found
favor with man and deity during his time.  However, travelers from beyond the plane
of Alastari soon brought new wonders and new gods to the cleric/mage.  His affections
soon turned from the Alastarian pantheon to the new gods.
     The pride of deities is great and many did not take kindly to the treachery of
faith by Bahutep.  Ahringol, the god of death, took a personal affront to the mage's
desertion.  When Bahutep died, it is said that Ahringol cursed him with undeath.  A
state of unlife that none would seek of their own accord.
     Darque took interest in the stories of Bahutep because he was rumored to have
possessed an item of great magical power.  An item that acted as a conduit for
magical energy.  One that would give an unlimited supply of magical energy to its
wielder.  Its existence was only a rumor, yet Darque knew every myth and rumor had
some basis in truth.
     "First things first," the necromancer thought.  "I need to get to Lydel, and
then plot a course to the tomb of Bahutep."  He levitated from his chair and stood
upon his desk.  He marched back and forth along the length of the marble top, his
clawed feet clicked upon the stone.  "Now to decide what form to take on this little

To be continued....

                 + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ R.J.G. ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Mikal's band had narrowly avoided two scouting parties earlier, but this was a
company in force.  He watched them intently as they approached the crossroads from
the east.  If they would only turn north or continue east, a confrontation could be
avoided.  Standing by his side, Jessu watched the scene with a look of childlike
anticipation.  A satisfied smile grew on his face, "Ah, they turn south.  We will
crush them!"
     Jessu's companions laughed and slapped him on the back.  Mikal wasn't amused.
With predatory speed, his hand appeared at Jessu's neck.  The thin blade of his
dagger pressed against Jessu's throat, "You will await my signal this time?"  Jessu's
companions drew their swords and pressed in on Mikal.  Jessu sneered, "As the Captain
commands.  Put down your weapons."  Grudgingly, Jessu's companions obeyed.
     Mikal grunted and returned his dagger to its sheath and barked quick orders,
"Everyone to their places."  With a quick scurry of activity his band disappeared
into the woods.  They waited.
     After a few moments Mikal noticed that the enemy had halted their advance.  The
tension mounted for what seemed like an eternity, but finally after a few moments the
column continued on its way.  Mikal signaled for his lieutenants to hold steady.
     As the enemy force breasted the nearest rise, a sound broke out from behind
their position.  Although the trees provided some cover, arrows were raining down on
their ranks and causing confusion.  Mikal quickly tried to rally his forces, but he
knew the situation was dire.  As he turned to bellow orders he was struck in the back
of his head and all went dark.
     Everything seemed to be swimming in blackness.  His stomach was churning and his
head felt like a thousand hammers were using it for an anvil.  He tried to move his
hands to feel the back of his head, but found that they were tied firmly behind his
back.  His legs were bound together as well.  He opened his eyes.  Well, he opened
one of his eyes.  The other one was swollen shut.
     An all too familiar voice found its way to his ears, "It appears our revered
captain is finally awake."  Mikal gave a grunt as Jessu's boot hit him in the back,
"Where's your dagger now?"  More voices joined in the laughter and more boots found
Mikal's back a likely target.  Jessu leaned down and whispered in Mikal's ear, "You
will pay for your insults for many years, and my father will soon join you."  With
disdain, Jessu spit on Mikal's face.
     With little more ceremony than had he been a sack of grain, Mikal was tossed
across the back of a pack horse.  From what little he could see, he knew that there
were at least a few of his men captured with him.  From his vantage point it was very
hard to tell how many.  He tried twisting his head up to see more, but received a
solid punch to his temple for the effort and quickly lost consciousness.
     Some time later. It could have been hours.  It could have been days, Mikal woke
up in darkness.  His hands and feet were no longer bound, but his entire body felt
bruised and broken.  With a Herculean effort he rose on one elbow and opened his good
eye.  A tiny sliver of light cut through the blackness above his head.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
         -----     -----     -----    Soultaker    -----     -----     -----

     Soultaker paced back and forth.  The thought of what he had to do was troubling
him.  The decision to add Barnabas to the FONZ non-alliance alliance gave credence to
all those managers that felt the FONZ was really an alliance.  Soultaker continued
the pacing as he slowly shook his head and began to mumble, "When will it end?  Who
gets to join and who doesn't?  Whose feelings are going to be hurt when they are not
asked to join?"  The questions seemed endless.  The problem was not so much with the
backwoods water-head, but with the precedent that it sets.  One thing was for sure,
others will now have to realize that belonging to the FONZ doesn't require high
standards or any for that matter.  One might even figure that the group was adding
members according to some type of kingly proclamation to bring in the handicapped.
     "Ah what the hell, I might as well get it over with," Soultaker mumbled as he
headed for the door.  In a rush, he grabbed his slicker and exited his guildhouse.
Flinging the garment on, Soultaker made his way towards the interior of the island.
The cool brisk sea air made him glad he had put on the wrap.  Soultaker drew the
slicker tighter to his body.  The waterproof overcoat was one of his favorites.  The
coat was made from sealskin that had been softened and oiled by fisherman far to the
north.  Not only was it of fine quality, it was also a gift from a close friend, a
crusty old sailor named Mino.
     Deep in thought, Soultaker had traveled to the far side of Farmer boB's place.
Just to the right was a worn trail going deep into the interior of the island.
Soultaker took the turn and started on the "path less traveled".  Soultaker had
traveled less then a mile up the path when he saw a newly cut trail leading off to
the right.  Stopping to investigate, he found a sign a few feet up the new track.
Stepping closer. Soultaker read the posting, "No Trespassing  Property under
development  Opening Soon  Death Stud's Never-Never Ranch  If you are taller then
this you need not enter."  Soultaker moved up to the sign and found the mark to come
about to his waist.  He just knew he had to come back here and investigate this when
he had more time.
     Soultaker continued on up the dirt road towards Barnabas' estates.  He had
traveled about 6 miles when the signs began to appear.  "Kepe Owt"  "Stae Uway"
"Pryvute Propurtee"  "Bad Dawg"  "Truspassurz wil be shotted"
     "I can't believe that he is able to find his way to town on his own," Soultaker
sighed as he move ever closer.  Just ahead, Soultaker saw the road take a dogleg
right.  All along the sides of the road were cornfields, but between the rows was
some sort of thin leafed plant.  Soultaker thought it strange that Barnabas wouldn't
keep the rows cleaned out.  As it was, it was very hard to get to the corn to pick
it.  Taking the right, Barnabas's home came into view.  And what a sight it was.  The
building wasn't much bigger then a small stable, and in fact most stables were in
better shape.  It had a long covered porch along the front of the building.  At one
end the roof of the porch had collapsed.  There was a rickety old rocking chair and a
worn moth-eaten couch sitting on the good side of the porch.  Curled up on the
disgusting couch was sorriest excuse for a dog that Soultaker had ever seen.  He
could only guess at the lineage of the fleabitten cur.  The beast had the look of
some type of hound mixed with poodle.  It was black and tan colored with long
drooping ears, and had the long body of a hound.  The rest of the dog was a bit
strange.  The legs were short and thin.  The snout was long and pointed.  The worst
part was it had hair like a poodle and there was a large ball of hair on the tip of
his tail.
     Soultaker finally dragged his gaze from the stricken beast and noticed that the
home had a somewhat sod roof.  The strange part was that he had never seen grass like
that before.  What it looked like was the strange plants between the cornrows, but
this growth seemed to be kept short and cut often.  Soultaker looked all around to
see if Barnabas was outside.  The place looked deserted, in fact it looked like it
had been deserted for at least 20 years.  The only way Soultaker knew that he was
home was the large billowing clouds of smoke exiting out of the only window on the
front side.  Being downwind of the homestead, the smell of the smoke was
overpowering.  It had a sickening sweet smell.  Soultaker, not sure if Barnabas might
be in trouble, rushed to the door.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
        -----     -----     -----    Death Stud    -----     -----     -----

      Death Stud sat in the great hall at the Temple of Khorne as the rest of the
FONZ members and guests ate or smoked or talked.  There was a bustle of activity and
excitement in the room rife with laughter and talk of the recent Grand Tournament.
Nearly everyone was merry and happy.  But not Death Stud.  He sat away from the rest,
brooding and intense on his work.  Our Studly One mumbled under his breath and he
painstakingly sewed leather cord into the mass of leather and buckles spread across
the table.
      "I can't believe it.  Sonsabitches."  He pushed the large bone needle through
another thickness of leather and tied it off.  "Another tournament is completed, with
the FONZ running out all the best warriors they could muster, and what happens?"  He
harrumphed an answer to his own question and cursed as he struggled to secure another
clasp to what he was working on.  "Gotta shoulder the weight of this whole damned
non-alliance for yet another year?  Man, when am I ever gonna learn?"
      Death Stud scowled at Nuln--who went skipping by, blissfully having an Andy
Dick on NewsRadio moment--and purposefully tried to trip him.  The man was an
adorable mascot for the group, but he really was a mental midget.  Stud's patience
for all the FONZ slack bastards had grown thin and Nuln was merely in the wrong place
at the right time.
      Death Stud bore a thick bone needle as he worked the huge piece of worn leather
in front of him and mumbled on angrily.  Each stitch was punched through with a
grunt, then pulled a bit too tight as the Stud weaved his frustration into the thick
      Soultaker came up cautiously, sensing his friend's precarious mood and tried to
feel him out (Oh, you know what I meant you sicko!  Jeez, COME ON Snotman [uh yeah,
that didn't come out the way I meant it to either] ...um OK, never mind then).
Anyway, Soultaker approached Death Stud to find out how angry he really was and if he
wanted some company.  "Hey, Stud, how's it going, you big Stud, you?"
      Without looking up, Death Stud replied, "How do you think it's going?  You can
see what I'm working on, can't you?"
      Soultaker winced at the tone in Death Stud's voice, "Yes, I do....  But, you
know that I, that we, well, we never meant for it to be like--"
      "Yes, yes, I know." Death Stud cut him off mid-sentence, "Never meant this,
wasn't supposed to be that, shouldn't have been the other thing."  Death Stud let out
a sigh and slumped back into the chair, massaging his temples deeply.  "I do know and
I really don't blame you guys, but sometimes I think that it is just too much for me
to handle."
      The Dome of Chrome sat down next to Death Stud and they both sat quietly for a
few moments.  After a while, Soultaker patted the reluctant Stud on the leg and tried
to comfort him (damn, Snotto, get your mind out of the gutter again), "Hey, we all
count on you and you do a good job.  You don't have to do everything yourself.
You'll see, this year we'll all chip in to be more productive and try to make
something of ourselves.  Do you think we LIKE getting humiliated by you every
tourney?  Do you think we WANT to be pummeled, beaten, eclipsed and overshadowed by
you every time?  Do you think we ENJOY being trounced, disgraced, embarrassed, and
emasculated every tourney?"
      Our good Stud cocked a quizzical eye at Strolltaker, "Well, judging on the last
couple of years...."
      "Of course we don't," Soultaker interjected.  "So, we'll rebound, you'll see.
You just gotta hang in there with us."
      Death Stud responded in a quiet, resigned voice, "You're right, of course.  I
apologize.  It's selfish of me to be feeling sorry for myself."  Stud looked around
the room and then back to the table where his work lay finished.  "Well, I'm finally
done.  Are you guys all ready to head over to the arena for the next round of TOGS
      As Soultaker rounded up the gang, Death Stud dragged the long, thick, heavy
leather jacket from the table where he'd been working on it and began to strap it on.
It was full of clasps and buckles across the front to secure it around him.  All down
the shoulders and back were a series of straps and handles.  Each set of handles had
the name of a FONZ member branded into the leather between them and was well worn and
nearly black from use.  Except for one.  There was one new set of handles, the fresh
leather Stud had just sown on standing out brightly against the worn leather.
      Death Stud hiked the massive coat high on his shoulders, spread the tail out
behind him, and cinched the straps one last time before motioning to the group.  One
by one, the members of the FONZ climbed on, grabbing firmly the set of leather
handles that straddled the spot where their name was branded onto the back of the
coat.  Soon, every spot was filled except one.  The new one.  Death Stud looked back
and motioned impatiently.  "Goddamnit, Barnabas.  If they're all going to let you
into the group, you might as well get climb aboard just like the rest of the slack
bastards.  We don't have all friggin' day."

   + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Snotman and the Spooky Kids Part VI ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Snotman placed his special head support pillow on his shoulders and relaxed into
his chair, "The worst part about the curse is the neck pain.  My head is so huge for
my body that my neck and back are killing me."
     Nuln rapped his hand against his chaos plate helm, "Fighting the Tarrasque or
supporting my enormously swollen head, chaos armor is the best chaos mutation I ever
     Snotman rubbed his sore neck, "We can't all be as lucky as you.  Even after all
this time in the Temple, I don't have a single mutation."
     Vern tipped back another thimble-full of beer, "What about the whole slime
thing, Snotto?"
     "That's a good question.  If you were paying attention about turn 23 of Aradi,
you would remember that I merged with a Great Unclean One (a greater demon of Nurgle,
for you who don't worship the chaos gods).  Along with my great powers, I picked up
the mucus.  But, like Nuln having living chaos armor burned into his flesh, it was
worth it.  I can't tell you how many times someone has beheaded me or turned me to
stone or turned me to stone and then beheaded me.  And I survived all of it.
Although the turned to stone and beheaded thing kinda sucked.  Do you know how
helpless you feel when you are nothing but a stone head being pulled around in a Red
Ryder wagon by a bunch of snotlings?  This curse is nothing compared to that!"
     Anti chimed in, "This curse is the bestest thing that ever happened?  When I
built the FONZ clubhouse in old tree behind the Temple of Khorne you guys laughed at
me.  You said that it was too small for adults.  And that the tree wouldn't bear our
weight.  Well, now we don't have enough phone books for everyone to be able to see
over the table in the old FONZ super secret hideout and the treehouse is perfect!"
     Death Stud wiped the foamed milk off the brass tube, "Anti, I have to admit that
your attention to detail is pretty impressive.  I can't believe that you put a mini-
espresso machine in the clubhouse.  I mean you can't have expected that we'd actually
be able to use it."
     He looked at Anti strangely, "You didn't somehow know that the whole FONZ would
be shrunk down to miniature size did you?"
     Anti returned the strange look, "Of course not.  Don't be silly.  I put in the
espresso machine because I knew that you liked half-caf-carmel-machiatos, light foam,
non-fat milk, no whipped cream."
     Hombre stood up from where he'd been grumping in the corner, "I don't care what
you think, this curse sucks!  I mean, sure I'm popular with the ladies, what with my
enormous liquid eyes, cute as a button nose and child size body.  But they just want
to hold me and play dress up.  I'm sick of snuggling and just being friends!  But the
part that really pisses me off is that I'm the same height as the Death Stud!  What
utter humiliation!  I used to tease him constantly about his stature and now we are
the same height!"
     Death Stud grinned, "You know, I don't feel the slightest bit sorry for you.
But it is nice being the tallest FONZ member."
     Snotman smirked, "You aren't taller than any of the rest of us, you are just
wearing your 18" platforms!"
     Death Stud's acid retort was interrupted by a sudden shadow cast across the
window.  A hearty voice boomed out, "Hello my fellow FONZlings."
     Barnabas' head leaned in through the window, "I see that you have made yourself
comfortable.  Do you need me to bring anything up to the treehouse or maybe move some
furniture or something?  It's just that I'm SO much bigger than you guys, I thought I
could make myself helpful."
     The miniature FONZ members groaned together.  Snotman muttered through gritted
teeth, "Ok, the suckiest thing of all is that Barnabas wasn't hit by the curse (I
said that the whole FONZ was blocking Magic Man from entering the party and Barnabas
wasn't a FONZ member until after the Face.  Thus he clearly wasn't included in the
curse.) and now he is making himself thoroughly insufferable!  Stud, Is there any way
to send him back to the MOM?"

Stay tuned for more superdeformed action.
Find out if Soultaker is as fat, old and bald as he was before?
What's up with Magic Man?
Does mini-Hombre still wear leg warmers?
Is Nuln really on the run from the turkeys now that he's smaller than them?
And most importantly of all, how does this affect everyone's snoring?

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
           "I hope Guardians spotlight shows up first" or "Soulsearching"
                                 By:  Pip T.F.Troll

     Soultaker slowly regained consciousness.  He was just getting up from a huge
bender, but his head hurt so much he couldn't remember what had started it all.  He
relieved himself on a wall in the alley he'd been passed out in, and thought about
the events that brought him here.  "Hmmm, last I remember I was at the local Old Navy
trying to reenlist, but Morgan Fairchild told me to get the f out."  Soultaker walked
to the intersection and gazed up at the street sign with his bloodshot eyes.  "OK,
now I know where I am, time to get back to the FONZ clubhouse to plan Barnabas'
intense hazing."  Soultaker began walking down the street towards the clubhouse.
He'd gone a block or two when he arrived at a towering wall.
     "What the hell?  This wall wasn't here yesterday." he thought, evaluating where
he really was.  "Well, there must be someway around it."  He began to walk along the
wall, looking for a place to get through.  He walked and walked, but still hadn't
found a place to get through.  "Now I'm lost in my own hometown, how embarrassing!"
he thought.
     Pip was taking his daily walk when he spotted Soultaker bumbling around near the
wall, looking broken, lost, and confused.  As Pip got closer, he could tell something
was different, but he couldn't place his finger on it.  What was different?  Oh,
that's it, Soultaker didn't smell like pork rinds and vodka like usual, now he
smelled like beer and pizza.  He must have been on a huge bender!  Pip was sure Mrs.
Soultaker wouldn't approve at all, he' have to remember to tell her later.  "Hey
Souly, you look lost." Pip said as he walked up.
     "Hey Pip, maybe you can help me, it's this damn wall, I can't figure out how to
get around it." said Soultaker.
     "You need to go through the checkpoint." said Pip, looking at his watch.  "Right
now Malaquar is manning the checkpoint."
     "What checkpoint?  Why is there a checkpoint in the middle of Aradi?  And why
would Malaquar have a cushy Andorian government job like manning a checkpoint?"
Soultaker asked.
     "We're not on Andorian property.  You must not have heard the good news;
Guardian is the new ambassador to Aradi.  He's expanded the embassy and walled it in.
You're in Free Blades territory now, I hope you have your passport with you."
     "Passport?  I don't even have my ID with me.  Oh man, you gotta help me get outa
here Pip, I'm screwed!" pleaded Soultaker.
     "Well ok, even though you killed my guy in the tourney, he was only +14 total,
but I'll have a word with Malaquar, he'll get you through.  Follow me."
     Pip and Soultaker walked through the embassy grounds, and were shortly by the
checkpoint.  "Wait here Souly, I'll go have a word with him." said Pip, and he began
to walk towards Malaquar and the checkpoint.
     "Hey Pip, what's up?" asked Malaquar.
     "Not much.  You see that guy over there?" asked Pip, pointing towards Soultaker.
     "Soultaker?  I'm vaguely familiar with who he is." answered Malaquar.
     "He's trying to smuggle farm animals." said Pip.
     "Oh, really.  Where's he hiding them?" asked Malaquar.
     "Up his, well...you know." answered Pip.
     "Cavity search." said Malaquar with a wicked grin as he reached for a glove.
     "Not the short gloves, he knows it's coming.  It's WAY up there." said Pip.
     "Some people never learn." said Malaquar, as he reached for his other gloves.
     "Later Souly!" Pip yelled to Soultaker, waving.
     "Thanks Pip, you're a great guy." said Soultaker waving back, oblivious to what
was about to happen.
     Malaquar snapped on the shoulder length glove and began walking towards
Soultaker.  "Oh this is gonna be ugly.  I'm outa here." thought Pip as he quickly
walked out the checkpoint and down the street, humming a happy tune.

        + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Lord of the 'O' Ring ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
    (with mad props to one Art'i'mis J. Stormm III, Esq., and of course, J.R.R.)

     "Tell us the story!"
     "Please Poppa Vohde!"
     "Yes, tell us about Deathfrodo and the 'O' ring!"
     The gaggle of tow-headed children pressed forward around the metal railing of
the Aradi county hospital bed.  Lying unscathed to the naked eye on the bleached
white sheets of the bed, propped up by several pillows, was the miraculously lucky
manager known only to his enemies as Vohde (although they only knew how to pronounce
his name, not spell it).  To his friends, he was sometimes known as Peaches,
Voidinski, Grand-Master Fru-Fru, "Sorbet", or in this case Poppa Vohde.
     To give you an idea of how lucky Vohde was, you should know the circumstances of
his hospital admission:
     At 7:30 pm Vohde had borrowed the services of Hombre's brand-new, souped-up
Scroddy-o-let extended-cab carriage, ostensibly for the purposes of driving to the
other side of town  to perform an all-out a#%-whoopin' on someone who had called him
Peaches.  At 8:00 pm his carriage trampled over a group of orphan troll children who
were returning to the foster home Pip had built for them underneath the bridge at
Main St. (way to go, Pip!).  At exactly 8:01 pm Vohde passed out from exhaustion
while at the reins (no doubt from devising too many columns in his T@#$ excel
spreadsheets), and drove Hombre's carriage through the side of Ghoti's new Ball Gravy
Shack-a-Lack-a.  This was no great loss, as the only person who ate at the Ball Gravy
Shack was Ghoti, or after he'd drunk one too many Perrier, Manalger (which was only
when he TC'd, so you can imagine how rare that was).
     The carriage, however, was totaled, and all twelve horses had to be put to sleep
(after a good bed-time story).  After being unearthed from the rubble by a giant glob
of sticky snot [it should be noted that Snotman does a lot of charity work with the
Aradi Fire Department that goes under the radar of the local media, this ingenious
tool being one of the byproducts), Vohde was rushed lickity-split to Aradi General,
where it was determined that he had suffered only a slight concussion.
     But I digress.
     Vohde smiled at the wide-eyed children who now looked up at him expectantly, for
there was nothing he liked better than an unabridged telling of the epic saga of the
Lord of the 'O' Ring, that is, if it was translated from its original Pig-Njorrdic
text (Vohde was a purist at heart).
     And so he began the tale, telling how Deathfrodo had inherited the magical 'O'
Ring from his god-uncle boBbo, a wealthy scrobbit who had made a fortune as a, uh,
cattle, er, rancher.  Then, the Dark Lord, Sourmanalgeron, had somehow discovered the
'O' Ring's location, and sent the Legion 7, his most dreaded and trusted henchmen,
out to Scrobbitton to track down the one called Deathfrodo Stud and to bring back the
ring that he carried.
     The children were hushed now, and hung on every word that Vohde spoke.  The tale
was coming to life before their eyes, just as it had happened lo these many years

     It was now the scrobbits' third night since they had fled from Scrobbitton, and
they gathered around their small campfire, warming their bones.  They had taken
shelter in a gully underneath an outcropping of large grey rocks.  They had not
caught sight of the Legion 7 riders all day, and so conversely, their spirits had
measurably improved.
     "I'm tellin' you, you hoser, 'dose mounties were ridin' on feral goats dere,
eh?" argued Merry Man in his northern accent.  He was a large scrobbit, and came from
the northern wastelands known today as Canofscrodada.  The problem with
Canofscrodadians, was that even if their sentence wasn't a question, they all
invariably ended in "eh?"
     "Goats?!" scoffed Pippanti, sitting up from the corn-rows he had been braiding
in Merry Man's foot hair.  "You asinine jackass, those were no goats!"  When he was a
small scrobbit, well, a child scrobbit (all scrobbits are relatively small), Pippanti
had accidentally drunk a solution of toxic Squidmato (a popular Squid/tomato juice
drink at the time), and had gained the power to transform into a giant tomato with
little squid tentacles.  Not only was it a fairly useless power, but it only worked
on the night of the full moon.
     "If there's one thing I know, it's farm animals!!" continued Pippanti, who at
one time or another in his life was the leading expert on every single subject known
to man, apparently.  "If you put me in a pitch black barn in the dead of night with a
series of random farm animals, I could tell you what each one were just by feeling
'em.  No, Merry Man, they were riding *emu's*, not goats.  I'll put mad bank on it!"
     Across the firepit Soulwise Gamgeetaker laid, posed either like a Scroddy Girl
Pin-Up or a beached whale, it was hard to tell which.  He was getting on in years
now, and his once svelte frame had ballooned out now to a near perfect circle.
Whenever anyone asked if he was on a diet, Soulwise would explain to them the salty
pork rind & vodka cuisine he was currently employing to combat his tubbitude.  That
would always shut 'em up.
     Soulwise feigned indifference, but in fact listened very carefully to the two
younger scrobbits.  They were now conversing in an entirely strange sounding dialect,
which combined with the various hand signals and waving of different colored
handkerchiefs, baffled the older scrobbit to no end.  Soulwise felt his temper
rising, as always happened when he became confounded by the new lingo that the
youngsters of the day used.   He wished he had a dictionary or small phrase book so
he could communicate with them, share ideas, & create castles in the sky.  Oh, how
alone and isolated he felt, trapped in his anachronistic ways, unable to comprehend
the signs & signals of the modern age.
     Then he stared over at his master, Deathfrodo Stud, who was sound asleep,
whimpering as he usually did in his trilling, high-pitched falsetto.  A feeling of
warmth spread through Soulwise as he watched his master sleeping peacefully.  No one
was quite as old as Soulwise, but Deathfrodo among all the party could at least
remember back to the great flood of '42, and the Chickening of '53.  Soulwise noticed
that Deathfrodo's earlobes had goose-bumps on then, and quickly got out his knitting
materials.  Master Stud would have lobe-cozies before the evening was through.
     A soft smile was on Deathfrodo's face, as if he were dreaming of the scrod-
berry's & lolly-loo-gaggle's back home.  But Soulwise noticed that one of his
cherubic, pudgy hands was creeping, slowly creeping towards his backside, edging ever
so subtly to his own clenched buttocks, between which Deathfrodo kept the 'O' Ring
(for safety purposes).
     "Why is Deathfrodo the only one allowed to put his finger in the 'O' Ring?"
Soulwise grumbled to himself.  "I want to put *my* finger in the 'O' Ring!  I want to
be the big boss man!  I want to rule all of Middle-Scrod, dammitall!!!!"  Then he
noticed he was getting unusually upset about such a little thing.  Shortly he went
back to venting on how the youth of today didn't have any respect for their elders,
and they were always doing inconsiderate things, like making hand signs and waving
those darn-fangled kerchiefs.

     Vohde paused, showing the children a few of the gang signs used by the young
scrobbits Merry & Pippanti.  He was growing weary, and although he had not suffered
any serious damage from his accident, he felt drained.  But like a band coming back
for an encore, he sucked it up and resumed, regaling the children with the scrobbits
journey to the Sow's Butt Saloon, where they were lucky to meet the wily ranger
Snotagorn (also known as Slider, for the way he always managed to slip out of tight
spots).  After a night attack by the 7 Riders, the scrobbits and Snotagorn fled the
Sow's Butt (can you blame them?), and began a mad dash towards the safety of
Liversmell, home of the fairie lords, and where they might also get news on
Nulndalf's disappearance.  Another night attack, and Doc Steele, king of the Legion
7, wounds Deathfrodo with one of the Legion's deadly blades of obsolescence, a shard
of which is trapped in the scrobbit's shoulder.  Snotagorn manages to drive the
Legion off, but the enemy is not defeated, the party is still far from Liversmell,
and Deathfrodo will soon succumb to the wraith-shard.
      What will happen?  Nothing more this turn, or Ed.'s going to use me as shark
bait (if I'm not chopped up and in a bucket already).  'Til next turn, keep it T@#$y.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "I'm here to see the Prince."
     "The Prince?"
     "Yes, Prince Marcus Alexander."
     "And you are?"
     The man unsheathes his sword revealing a crest.
     "Just a moment, Sir."
     "No need to call me Sir."
     The guard returns with a younger blonde haired man.
     "Dylan, how are you?  It's been awhile."
     "I am well.  Right this way, Sir."
     "Okay, enough of the 'Sir' already."
     The two men enter a large room.
     "Your Highness, you have a guest."
     "Father, it's good to see you.  Dylan, leave us please."
     Dylan leaves the room.
     "Your Highness it's my pleasure."
     "Okay, let's stop the whole your Highness bit."
     "I'll tell you what, you get everyone around here to stop calling me Sir and
I'll stop calling you your Highness."
     "It's a deal.  I'm proud of you son."
     "Father, why are you proud of me?  I would never have had the chance to marry
the Princess if it wasn't for you and your status."
     "My status, please."
     "Father, the King thinks highly of you.  You're a war hero in this area."
     "War hero?  I was just doing my job.  That was a long time ago.  Anyway, back to
your question, why am I proud of you."
     "Yes, why?"
     "Wow, how long do you have?  Don't take credit away from yourself.  The King
would never have signed off on your marriage if he didn't approve of you regardless
of me.  I asked you to come see me for two reasons.  The first reason is because I
miss you and never see you anymore.  The second is because I need a favor."
     "I've missed you also.  What kind of favor?"
     "Follow me."
     "I can't believe your made your own cousin your servant."
     The two walk a prison cell.
     "My servant?  No he's my best friend and my assistant.  He watches my back and
is my voice of reason."
     "Voice of reason, now that's funny."
     "Father, let's stay on track here.  Look into the cell, do you remember him?"
     "Yes, I remember him, you two grew up together."
     "Well, I need to release him to you."
     "Release him to me?  What am I running some sort of inmate release program now?"
     "Father please, I'm asking for your help, not jokes.  Put him in one of your
stables, make a gladiator out of him."
     "You're in luck, I just lost a good warrior in a tournament and need a body.
Can he fight?"
     "He's a pretty tough kid.  He needs some work on his swordsmanship, but that's
where you come in."
     "Does he have heart and is he willing to do this?"
     "Yes and he has no choice."
     "Ok, I'll take him in.  And what will he call this gladiator?"

           + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Lawndocker (Part 2) ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Rainyer steadied the rowboat at the keel of the Lawndocker.  The oarcraft rocked
gently on the swells of mid-morning out on the bay just off the coast of Aradi.  His
partner and confidante, Trist Laelalie, awaited his signal on the shore, and unknown
ventures awaited him in the bowels of the shipwrecked Lawndocker--named thus for its
tendency to come ashore, literally.  Rainyer, the courageous dandy that he was, took
in a deep breath and steadied his nerves took, realizing at once that this ship was
the property of one crazed Avboreu Stimbo'om, "The Man With A Blasting Bluster,"
Rainyer's hand went up and gave the signal, and for a moment thereafter, he thought
he had died.
     A low thunderous crack resounded from overhead as splinters of wood leapt about
the rowboat's interior in the moment that followed.  Rainyer fell back from his
bench, supremely startled, and realized instantly that his tiny boat was slowly
     "Aye ther'," an ale-burnt voice proclaimed.  "Come now, dirtnip, break a leg 'n
stand ag'in, lest ye want t'drown ye do?"
     For a reason unknown to him, Rainyer kept his hands over his head where they
could be seen, and took note of how quickly his boat began filling with water.
Timidly looking upward, Rainyer came face-to-face with a mangy-bearded fellow, bereft
of head hair, and garbed in a brine stained vest and undershirt.  Most curiously of
all, the mangy fellow held a long metal tube that sprouted a wide mouth at the far
end, and of which was somehow leaking smoke.
     "Uh-huh, ahoy there, uh, yes, I've come to speak with you," Rainyer replied, his
eyes glancing back and forth from boat to shore.
     "Ahhh, then ye've come to th' wrong place, me lad, for Avboreu Stimbo'om 'as no
desire t' speak with th' likes of anybody," the mangy ship captain announced.
     On shore, Trist had already sprung  into action.  No doubt she had heard the
resounding blast from the ship's aft section, but the beating of her heart in her
head told her she had a job to do.  And besides, Trist knew that Rainyer had
responsibilities to this little operation as well, namely him being decoy, and if
that meant his life was in danger, then she would simply have to start looking for a
new partner, wouldn't she?
     Heedless of any danger herself, Trist hoisted the long bamboo pole she had been
dragging and began sprinting for the pier line.  Two fishermen who had been there
previously had already scampered off once the blast had been heard, leaving all their
tackle behind, and Trist could only grin in response.  Her footfalls left neat little
clefts in the sand as she raced for the water, and not but twenty feet from the
wettest sand Trist lowered the bamboo pole down upon the stone works of an old flag
stand.  Up, up, up Trist went, all one-hundred and fifteen pounds of well-muscled
loveliness vaulting through the air like a practiced acrobat.  The bamboo pole flexed
outward in the sun, gossamer rays of mid-morning light shafting around the agile
spectacle as it moved.  Trist landed down on the Lawndocker's deck in an accordion
fashion, poised perfectly on the balls of her feet to not make a sound.  The bamboo
pole came down flimsily behind her, seemingly in slow motion, and whacked off the
hard wood deck.  The spry sneak-thief peered back at the offending pole, as if it
were a slight upon her person.
     Avboreu perked up having heard a slight commotion from the ship's fore.
     "Ahuhh, let it be told, I, Fash Rainyer, alley merchant and friend to the
constable of darks in Aradi bear a gift for the great Captain Stimbottom," Rainyer
     "Stimbo'om,  And what's this about th' darkies, they's ain't been around these
pa'ts since 'fore good Lady Aulalie Dunsel passed?" the captain probed.
     "True enough, yet even some things live on after they are dead," Rainyer said.
     The metal tube that Stimbo'om held came to the ready as the mangy captain
squinted down the barrel.  "I'd be choosin' far better werds if I was you, lad.  This
'ere ship ain't dead!"
     Rinayer's eyes went wide, fearing the worst.  "No, no!  'Tis tribute to its
longevity," he blurted out.  "She is a fine vessel."
     Stimbo'om's "blunderbuss" became relaxed in his arms.  "Ye think?"
     "I know," Rainyer replied.  "In fact, that's why I'm here."  Rainyer got up
enough courage to gingerly reach down and pull the tie on his gunny sack, revealing a
sizable number of silver and gold coins within."
     Trist had picked the lock to the cabin door, which hadn't been hard since the
frame and handle were practically rotted away, and found herself standing amidst a
room full of pirate knick-knacks and treasures from the sea.  Shelves of coral,
shark's teeth, strings of pearls, and dirty underwear.  Hooks and hatchets, fishing
nets, a rich wardrobe and a luxurious bed with two skeletons sitting back to back on
it.  These things and much more Trist laid eyes upon within the cabin's confines, but
she spent her time wisely and planted the object she had been given by Rainyer with
     In the next moment, Trist was back out on deck and hastily unfurling a black
flag with a rope pulley she had jury-rigged on the ship's main mast.  In no time
Krells would see it, she hoped, and bring the one for whom all this had been done
with him.
     One-ninety eight.  One-ninety nine.  Two-hundred.  Rainyer counted in his head,
signaling the time was right for stage two.
     "And what's more, good captain, I know our meeting here this day was not merely
for this," Rainyer teased gesturing to the money bag.  "But it is destiny!"
     Avboreu's eyes sparkled.
     "Go," Rainyer commanded.  'Look within to your cabin and tell me there is not
something there that you have not long sought after."
     Avboreu paused, half-disbelieving, then vanished from the aft window sill
quicker than a flash.  In a minute's time he had returned, but now he wore the hat of
a sea admiral, worn but proud.
     "Ye've found the admiral's hat of 'The Man With A Blasting Bluster," renewed
Captain Stimbo'om beamed.  "I'll not be forgettin' that.  Come aboard; we've much to
     And so it was, Rainyer, Trist and Captain Avboreu Stimbo'om made their pact that
day, and also was the captain introduced to the otherworldly Onedawg, Last Scion of
the Da'awginori, that is, once the spirit had arrived along with Krells who had, in
fact (to Trist's surprise), seen the flag raised on the Lawndocker's deck.  The whole
group then settled the matter of the Lawndocker as base camp and training grounds for
the warriors of the T*#S tournament whom Onedawg would manage.  What's more is that
Rainyer and Onedawg laid out the story of their meeting to Avboreu who was
immediately intrigued, as he had had encounters with the chaos before, and thus
agreed to help the two in their search for answers to still lingering questions....

                   + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ 24 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                          A.K.A.  Where is Jack Wolfspider?

     Hmm...pencil?  Check.  Eraser?  Check, Dr. Pepper?  Check.  Intense dislike of
the C.O.L.?  Check.  Sevendust in the headphones?  Check.  Extreme desire to do well
for the rest of T#%$?  Check!!!!!!
     When we last left our heros, they had only recently met their new manager.  Much
to their chagrin they found him to be somewhat of an uncouth slob and a
disappointment.  Note to readers:  the goofy typos that caused my story to read like
idiot brand alphabet soup are not entirely my fault.  I write this by hand and count
on others to type this.  But then again, maybe my childlike scrawl is undecipherable.
Who knows?

     After a gallon of steaming black coffee, Mary and Mr. Negativity had finally
brought CFH around to a level of sobriety that would allow them to leave the bar.
     They walked outside into the street and were greeted by the red-orange glare of
the rising sun.
     "Man this place is weird," said Mr. Negativity as he pointed at a building
across the street from the Tavern.
     When Mary and CFH looked in the direction that he was pointing they saw that
during the night someone had vandalized the local butcher shop.  Five or six steaming
cow patties were on the ground in front of the shop's door.  Also someone had taken
day-glo orange paint and painted a rooster's head on the outside of the shop with the
inscription "Eat Cock, NOT COWZ!" directly beneath it.
     "What the hell...?" asked a confused Mary.
     "Damn..." muttered CFH, "they're really getting bad."
     "Who?" Mary and Mr. Negativity together.
     "The Moo-vement.  They're a bunch of bovine extremists out to make a statement.
When the local managers went into an 'animal abuse' frenzy a bunch of the cows got
together and decided that they weren't going to become victims like the local fowl.
Some of the cows formed a group known as the A.C.L.U.  They feel that they've got a
chance to make their case through the courts.  The Moo-vement is a little less
optimistic and has sworn to meet violence and perversity with the same."
     "What are the local authorities doing about the situation?" Mary asked.
     "Well, pretty much the same thing they always do when they have a problem that
scares them.  They take away your civil liberties and arrest all the wrong people.
Managers are subject to random searches of person and property at all hours of the
day.  Last time I checked there wasn't a single cow managing in Aradi!  And get this,
the other day a young group of Rams were arrested for possession of a DEATHSTUD (tm)
blow-up doll.  They hadn't even taken it out of the discreetly wrapped box.
Authorities got them for "possession with the intent to deliver."
     "Who were they delivering it to?" Mary asked.
     "No one knows.  The rams swore it was for their own personal usage.  But even if
it wasn't, how the hell do you determine intent?  I mean, hell, are they all freakin'
mind readers or what?"
     CFH looked at Mary and asked.  "What am I thinking about; what do I intend or
want to do?"
     Mary scowled and said "Well if you weren't staring at my chest whenever you
asked that, I probably wouldn't know!"
     CFH grinned.  "Yeah, well, you get the general idea right?  Anyway, rumor on the
tavern floor is that the leader of the Moo-vement isn't a cow.  The L.I.E. (Alastari
counterpart to the C.I.A.) has said that they believe it may be a powerful and
influential human.  Someone disgruntled with the recent string of 'animal abuse'
incidents that many say were propagated by Nuln.  Although some folks will tell you
that this is clearly Pip the Troll's fault."
     Who knows?  Tune in next week for the exciting continuation of 24!  Same whack
time, same whack channel.

Note to readers:  This story is trash and I was free stylin' the entire time.  In no
way does the story reflect personal beliefs of its author.  This is what you get
after 13 years in the joint--too much time to think and not enough to think about.

Note to typist:  I wasn't really complaining about the type job.  Just wasting space!

                                      SPY REPORT

     It's me, The Unknown Spymaster here with my bag to give you the news on last 
week's fights.  Rising in the ranks like a loaf of armored bread (okay, I admit it's 
corny) is DARQUE AGES, who swept up 11 places in the ranks.  Take a look at POWER 
BROKERS' act, as they have a 4-1-0 week and gain 20 places in the team ranking.  
Rising in the ranks like a loaf of armored bread (okay, I admit it's corny) is 
ARADI'S DEAD, who swept up 15 places in the ranks.  Advancing in the rankings was 
NATURAL DISASTERS who went from last turn's 563-505-19, to this week's record of 
567-506-19.  Hey everybody, watch out for NEWCASTLE, who flew up 25 points in the 
rankings after mashing THE BRICK like a melon.  Keep your eye on this guy.  Ya know, 
some days it doesn't pay to walk out on the sands.  SMIRLIN was subdued by SIRIUS and 
drops 14 points.  WINKER X got through to the Duelmaster this turn.  No doubt he was 
more than anxious to kick LIGHTNING IX's tail out of the throne!  Going for the gusto 
and coming up with aught but bloody knuckles was 4000 BLOWS' WINKER X, who was turned 
away from the Duelmastership by LIGHTNING IX.  4 out of 5 gladiators surveyed protect 
the body, so try and avoid aiming at that location.   
     But enough of that bunch, let's get on to the wimps who like to avoid battle!  
Did you hear that POWER BROKERS was most avoided team this week?  Well, knowing the 
personal hygiene of POWER BROKERS' warriors, I'm not surprised!  For those of you who 
like math, try this one:  POWER BROKERS + Weapons That go Boom = 4000 BLOWS + Avoid 
City.  And who is this HEADROCK you ask, with 110 points and a 18-16-0 record.  Ooh, 
the tales I could tell!  Was it guts or an overtaxed mental capacity that had BARON 
challenge up 29 points in the rankings to take on QUICKSAND?  Some advice to BARON.  
Please don't challenge up 29 points to fight a 13-6-1 fighter like, say QUICKSAND.  
(Okay, so it may be a little late).  In a touching display by a 'touched' warrior, 
JAMAICAN GOLD went after PIP THE TROLL, who was higher by 23 points.  Well, when the 
better have a good reason for challenging down 8 points in a challenge which he won.  
I thought LLLENGEANCE showed great skill and promise when he overcame WHITE RAVEN.  
All right, so I slept through it!  Big deal!   
     Remember that an arena is not always a safe place to be, but it is one of the 
most interesting, though!  There's got to be more reason for the sending of KLEPTO 
SLACKER to the Dark Arena than his record (2-1-0).  Anybody got any ideas ARADI'S 
DEAD?  I have no doubt that BEERBARIANS will be celebrating long and loud their 
warrior NEWCASTLE's slaying of THE BRICK on the sands.  Proving again that ARADI is 
not rated G, VIKEN of the LOSERS slew the warrior TEACUP TERRIER in a rather bloody 
bout.  Let's look for a bloodfeud.  Well, the arena is no place for slow learners 
(and hopefully T.P.s) and RIFF demonstrated that very violently on BOONE's body.  
Well, just when you thought it was safe to put a new warrior in the arena.  No no!  
SPIT, a mere girl, was slain by NAPPY DUGOUT this turn.  Carrion Bird Heaven:  BOONE 
was slain by RIFF (The true definition of 'Street Pizza').  Knowing when to use the 
right tactics at the proper time is a very important step on the road to Duelmaster.  
     Well, that wasn't too bad; Alarond told me that the people in ARADI have no 
sense of humor.  Or maybe that they were senseless.  Okay, so I may not be the 
world's best comedian, but then you guys aren't the world's best warriors.  And 
remember, you can pick your friends and you can pick your--(loud boos), oh, you've 
heard that one already!-- The Unknown Spymaster  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 LIGHTNING IX 4866            10   4  2   170       DEATH STUDS VII (301)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 RATTLESNAKE SHAKE 4242       20  12  0   132       METAL MELTDOWN (344)
 GAZREKK 6438                 13   6  2   129       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
-THUNDRA 5122                 19  13  1   121       FA CHING (388)
 RIFF 6452                    12   6  3   116       SWIFT CURRENT (468)
 HEADROCK 3430                18  16  0   110       OGRES ARE US (270)
 NEWCASTLE 6669               10   4  4   110       BEERBARIANS (528)
 QUICKSAND 6554               13   6  1   106       NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
 SIR ZESTALOT 6557            13   5  0   105       4000 BLOWS (107)
-ACK ACK 837                  10   5  2    96       THE UNDERWORLD (15)
-BLACKBURST 5025              13  13  0    95       FA CHING (388)
 THE AYL'M'ER 6056            13  13  1    92       4000 BLOWS (107)
 WHITE RAVEN 6484             12   8  1    92       SHADOW SIGNS (491)
 ACUTE 6048                   13   8  0    91       THIEVES GUILD (396)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 LORD OF THE O RINGS 6022     21  11  1    90       WILD CARDS (148)
-MALOCH 7033                  13  10  0    90       STORM GUARD (546)
-WON TOO MANY 5892             7   3  1    90       SAAB STORY (389)
 WINKER X 6470                12  10  0    88       4000 BLOWS (107)
-TRANSCENDENTALISM 6547       15   8  0    87       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
 SICK PUPPY 5959              12  12  1    86       ARADI'S DEAD (393)
 SIRIUS 6193                  16  23  1    85       RED DOG GANG (476)
 KABOOM 6248                   7   0  0    85       RED AVENGERS (487)
-AVIENDHA 4721                18  20  0    82       FA CHING (388)
 GUMMI GHOUL 6411             10   4  1    82       THE UPSTARTS III (510)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-BLACK EYE 6163               13  10  0    81       JOKA MASHER! (283)
 NAPPY DUGOUT 6080            14  15  1    78       WILD CARDS (148)
-BRAK 94                      13  10  1    78       THE UNDERWORLD (15)
 DEMURRER 5828                13   9  2    77       LEGALESE (449)
 OBITER DICTA 5860            10   8  1    77       LEGALESE (449)
-KORWYN 7032                  12  11  0    72       STORM GUARD (546)
 LACHES 5642                  12  13  0    72       LEGALESE (449)
 TRIPLICATE THUNDER 6616       9   8  0    71       WILD CARDS (148)
 LLUGS AND LLISSES 5887       10   8  1    70       LUROCIANS VI (431)
 BARON 6765                    8   4  1    70       LOCK-OUT (368)
-WARAGEN 5573                 11   3  0    68       SAAB STORY (389)
 BLUE BEANIE 6461             10   9  1    67       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 LEO 6837                      6   1  0    66       DARQUE AGES (536)
 NOODLES 6247                  4   3  0    66       RED AVENGERS (487)
 SMIRLIN 6568                 11  11  0    63       OGRES ARE US (270)
-THORNE 5259                  10   4  0    62       FA CHING (388)
 TALON 6736                    6   3  0    61       WING HOVE (529)
-IRREVOCABILITY 6549          12   9  1    60       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
 MC CAIN 6662                  9   5  0    60       POWER BROKERS (527)
-CYVIN 5258                    9   7  1    59       FA CHING (388)
 GODFREY 6354                  6   5  1    58       ARADI'S DEAD (393)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 LLUPERIOR LLORCES 5956        7   4  0    56       LUROCIANS VI (431)
 SON OF BLOODLUST 6823         9   1  0    55       4000 BLOWS (107)
 KARATE WRECKER 6693           4   9  0    54       THIEVES GUILD (396)
 MARBURY 4499                 11   8  0    53       LOCK-OUT (368)
 BUSH 6663                     8   6  1    53       POWER BROKERS (527)
 MURRAY 6661                   8   5  0    53       POWER BROKERS (527)
 ROSENCRANTZ 6786              5   5  0    53       BLACK FRIARS (521)
 DERRIN 6952                   5   1  0    53       WING HOVE (529)
 TOGS STINKER 6588             8   5  0    52       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
-SCABBY 6514                  11   8  0    51       BLOOD RELATED (395)
 GOLDFISH 6718                 7   6  0    50       SHADOW SIGNS (491)
 TWISTER 6114                  8   6  0    49       ARADI'S DEAD (393)
 MISTRESS BOMBTRONIC 6617     10   7  1    48       WILD CARDS (148)
 SUPERNOVA 6239                5   2  0    48       RED AVENGERS (487)
 HERROL 6694                   7   3  0    47       WING HOVE (529)
 LLUCKY DAY 6021               7   4  0    47       LUROCIANS VI (431)
 WIND 5906                     8   4  0    46       FIVE SPHERES (462)
 SANDSTORM 6813                6   3  0    46       NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
 MARDUK 6863                   4   4  1    46       FACES OF ETERNITY (539)
 ANGRY SUE 6955                4   3  0    45       RED AVENGERS (487)
 VIKEN 6943                    5   2  1    44       LOSERS (544)
 HENRY IV 6899                 5   4  0    44       BLACK FRIARS (521)
 TAY STARLE 6808               4   4  2    44       WING HOVE (529)
 SYDA HAMMIE 6667             10   5  0    42       OGRES ARE US (270)
-DREK 836                      7   8  0    42       THE UNDERWORLD (15)
 CYCLONE 6816                  5   4  0    42       NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
 HELMS 6660                    8   6  3    41       POWER BROKERS (527)
 SLIPKNOT 6674                 5   9  0    41       THIEVES GUILD (396)
 ZERBERT 6243                  5   2  0    41       RED AVENGERS (487)
 GOURMET GRUEL 6730            6   6  0    38       R.J.G. (475)
 WURL POOLE 6799               3   1  0    38       SWIFT CURRENT (468)
 GUILDENSTERN 6785             5   6  1    37       BLACK FRIARS (521)
 PIPSQUEAK 6810                6   4  0    36       WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
 FLORIN FALCONHAND 5750        5  10  0    36       FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
 RIP RAP 6599                  7   6  0    35       SWIFT CURRENT (468)
 TYPHOON XXII 6827             7   1  0    35       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 FRUB 6794                     5   6  0    35       WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
 SCRAG 6972                    5   1  0    34       LOSERS (544)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 TOSSED SALAD 6987             3   2  0    34       HIT ME WITH... (503)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SPONGEBOB 6504                8   5  0    33       R.J.G. (475)
 IKER 6505                     8   5  0    33       R.J.G. (475)
 INSISTANT BEGGAR 6630         7   4  0    33       BUMS 'R' US (465)
 ANDROGENOUS STRAIN 6412       5   8  0    33       THE UPSTARTS III (510)
 MOON BABY 6187                3   3  0    33       ARADI'S DEAD (393)
 SHARP STICK 6949              3   4  0    33       I'M WITH STUPID (531)
 FREEP 6812                    5   5  0    32       WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
 EDDIE THE ECHO 3770           3   3  1    31       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 VORPAL BUNNY 6731             5   7  0    30       R.J.G. (475)
 MR OBLIVIOUS 6413             3   9  0    30       THE UPSTARTS III (510)
 JAMAICAN GOLD 7039            2   0  0    30       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 DUNNO 6988                    3   2  0    29       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 SILVER BELLS 7014             3   0  0    29       SHADOW SIGNS (491)
 PIKEL 5808                    7   6  0    28       FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
 JAMIS 6735                    5   4  1    28       WING HOVE (529)
 BONG 6980                     5   1  0    28       I'M WITH STUPID (531)
 4-FT PARTY BONG 6908          4   4  0    28       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
-RAVEN 2173                    7   5  1    27       SPIRIT SENTINELS (191)
 ASSHE-MASTER 7000             5   0  0    26       4000 BLOWS (107)
 THE-SHOCKER 6824              4   4  0    26       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 DOVE FALCONHAND 5770          5   9  1    25       FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
 T-MAC 6806                    4   7  0    25       LOCK-OUT (368)
 BLUD 7012                     3   0  0    25       5 BELOW ZERO (532)
 DICHABOD 6912                 3   6  0    25       THIEVES GUILD (396)
 HOSCHA 6835                   5   4  0    24       OGRES ARE US (270)
 BING 6979                     5   1  0    24       I'M WITH STUPID (531)
 ANGRY SANTA 6828              5   3  0    24       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 MR. NEGATIVITY 6764           2   2  0    24       5 BELOW ZERO (532)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 MAUI WOWIE! 6907              4   4  1    23       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 WATER 5905                    4   3  0    23       FIVE SPHERES (462)
 INNOCENT 6838                 3   4  1    23       DARQUE AGES (536)
-BLOODY HELL 6821              3   6  0    23       BLOOD RELATED (395)
 HELL MARY 6760                3   1  0    23       5 BELOW ZERO (532)
-OBED 6831                     4   1  1    22       INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
 NAMBY PAMBY 6977              3   3  0    22       WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
 PIGGY 6655                    2   3  0    22       DARK TOGS (526)
 STRANGLEMEELMO 6762           3   1  1    19       5 BELOW ZERO (532)
 SANDY BEACH 6957              3   2  0    19       SWIFT CURRENT (468)
 WILDFIRE 6983                 3   2  0    19       NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
 S.L.A.P.P. 6974               3   3  0    18       LEGALESE (449)
-BLACK RUSSIAN 6936            2   0  0    18       THIRSTY THUGS (543)
 PIP THE TROLL 6942            3   4  1    17       LOSERS (544)
 WILLOW 6659                   2   3  1    17       DARK TOGS (526)
 GROVER 7004                   2   2  0    17       I'M WITH STUPID (531)
 ZYLLEIX'S SHADE 6939          1   6  0    17       SHADOW SIGNS (491)
 GRAFFIX 6909                  4   4  0    16       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 WEED 4 MOM 6984               2   4  0    16       LOCK-OUT (368)
 URLGEN THREE-FIST 7019        2   1  1    15       FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
 THE FRENCH 7011               2   2  0    15       LOSERS (544)
 TWICKLEBUM 6992               2   3  0    15       WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
 XXX 6975                      4   2  0    14       SHADOW SIGNS (491)
-ARKHAM 6832                   2   2  0    14       INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
 HANGMAN 6761                  2   2  0    14       5 BELOW ZERO (532)
 LEGS ANDARMS 7020             1   2  0    14       THIEVES GUILD (396)
 ORIGINAL SHOCKER 6959         3   4  0    13       WILD CARDS (148)
 THOMPSON 6970                 3   3  0    13       POWER BROKERS (527)
 FLICKED BOOGERS 6989          2   3  0    13       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 FLAME 7017                    1   2  0    13       FIVE SPHERES (462)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-55 SUCKS MORE 6956            1   3  0    13       JOKA MASHER! (283)
 TOGS REPLACEMENT 7045         1   0  0    13       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 LIMPY LIMPY 7046              1   0  0    13       LUROCIANS VI (431)
 QUETZACOATYL 6865             2   6  0    12       FACES OF ETERNITY (539)
 LANCELOT 6867                 2   6  0    12       FACES OF ETERNITY (539)
-ZANN 6830                     2   3  0    11       INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
 NERVOUS TIC 6638              1   0  0    11       BUMS 'R' US (465)
 TRUST FUND BABY 6951          0   1  0    11       BUMS 'R' US (465)
-MARSH 6829                    2   3  1    10       INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
-RAAM MANSLAYER 4306           2   4  0    10       THE UNDERWORLD (15)
 VICIOUS RUMOR 6981            2   4  0    10       R.J.G. (475)
-TA'LON THE VILE 4447          2   2  0    10       THE UNDERWORLD (15)
 IAGO 6997                     2   2  0     9       BLACK FRIARS (521)
 URBAN 7035                    2   0  0     9       DARQUE AGES (536)
 INDIMAR'S FAXMACHINE 7013     0   3  0     9       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 SPED 6803                     0   1  0     9       BUMS 'R' US (465)
 BALLROOM BLITZ 7016           1   0  0     7       METAL MELTDOWN (344)
 TELESPHORUS 7071              1   0  0     6       DARQUE AGES (536)
-SHEELON 7026                  1   1  0     6       STORM GUARD (546)
 ERIK THE RED 7041             1   1  0     6       FACES OF ETERNITY (539)
 MAIMONIDES 7010               1   3  0     6       FACES OF ETERNITY (539)
 VOLCANO 7048                  0   1  0     5       NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
 IVAN 7043                     1   1  0     4       FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
 VOHDE 7040                    1   1  0     4       FIVE SPHERES (462)
 SQUIRTY JOE 7008              0   4  0     4       THE UPSTARTS III (510)
 TERRA 7018                    0   3  0     3       FIVE SPHERES (462)
-KRAG 7025                     0   2  0     2       STORM GUARD (546)
 LOUKMAD 7042                  0   2  0     2       OGRES ARE US (270)
 VERDICT 7069                  0   1  0     1       LEGALESE (449)
-BLOOD SUCKER 7036             0   1  0     1       BLOOD RELATED (395)
 BONE TAGGER 7074              0   1  0     1       THE UPSTARTS III (510)
 ROCKY BANKS 7073              0   1  0     1       SWIFT CURRENT (468)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD               W  L K TEAM NAME             SLAIN BY             TURN Revenge?
KLEPTO SLACKER 6516    2  1 0 ARADI'S DEAD 393      STONE GOLEM 26        330 NONE    
URG THE UNCLEAN 6954   0  5 0 BLACK FRIARS 521      STONE GOLEM 26        330 NONE    
DEAD ONE 7070          0  1 0 DARQUE AGES 536       STONE GOLEM 26        330 NONE    
ANASTASIUS 6839        4  1 2 DARQUE AGES 536       BARON 6765            328         
TOGS LOSER 6619        2  9 0 DEMONS OF DARKNES 430 SEA MONSTER 27        330 NONE    
ALEXANDER 6864         1  3 0 FACES OF ETERNITY 539 TAY STARLE 6808       326 NOT REVE
ATILA 6958             0  3 0 FACES OF ETERNITY 539 NUMSKULL 6751         326 REVENGED
HAMMURABI 7009         1  1 0 FACES OF ETERNITY 539 TAY STARLE 6808       328         
OLIVE RUSKETTLE 7006   0  1 0 FORGOTTEN REALMS 185  MARSH 6829            327         
THE BRICK 6342         8  3 0 HIT ME WITH... 503    NEWCASTLE 6669        330         
PLEASE DIE 7047        0  1 0 I'M WITH STUPID 531   MARINE TROLL 18       330 NONE    
SLACKJAW 6750          4  1 0 I'M WITH STUPID 531   HELMS 6660            326 REVENGED
NUMSKULL 6751          4  3 1 I'M WITH STUPID 531   MARDUK 6863           328         
PPAPPY 7072            0  1 0 LOCK-OUT 368          URLGEN THREE-FIS 7019 330         
GUARDIAN 7044          0  1 0 LOSERS 544            DARK CHAMPION 24      330 NONE    
SIRENS 7049            0  1 0 METAL MELTDOWN 344    BORED ELF 19          330 NONE    
DEVIL DIGGER 7050      0  1 0 METAL MELTDOWN 344    MARINE TROLL 18       330 NONE    
SPIT 6435              5  2 0 METAL MELTDOWN 344    NAPPY DUGOUT 6080     330         
MONKEY'S PAW 7038      1  1 0 MY BEST BUDS 2 542    INNOCENT 6838         330         
POT POURRI 6911        1  3 0 MY BEST BUDS 2 542    POWER TEMP 6996       326 REVENGED
SOMFMA 6797            6  3 0 OGRES ARE US 270      GODFREY 6354          328         
TEACUP TERRIER 6569    7 15 1 RED DOG GANG 476      VIKEN 6943            330         
BOONE 6090            12 42 0 RED DOG GANG 476      RIFF 6452             330         
BULL DOGGAM 6088      18 30 0 RED DOG GANG 476      RIFF 6452             328         
GRANTURISMO 4821      16 11 0 SAAB STORY 389        THE AYL'M'ER 6056     329         
CHARON 1988           12 11 4 SPIRIT SENTINELS 191  WON TOO MANY 5892     329         

THE DEAD               W  L K TEAM NAME             SLAIN BY             TURN Revenge?
POWER TEMP 6996        1  1 1 THE UPSTARTS III 510  MAUI WOWIE! 6907      327 REVENGED

                                     PERSONAL ADS

     Just a quick thanks for my purty pitchur and all.  It's nice to be loved!  In a
     strictly platonic sense, that is. -- Ed.
     P.S.  Ganolus was ahead in the "My Editor Loves Me" contest, but if he's
     dropping out and not writing further spots, that leaves the Rage Man out in
     front.  I'll be nice and not tell you who's eligible for the booby prize for
     being the most consistently late...the two of you know who you are, I think.

Ed. -- Artistic integrity???  I got a good laugh at that one.  Please never use the
word integrity in reference to me again. -- Master Darque

     Sorry, I don't know WHAT I was thinking.... -- Ed.

Pip -- Clearly all my losses at the tourney were your fault. -- Guardian

All -- My ego is inflated to the exact psi recommended by the manufacturer. --

All -- With 2 Blood Related warriors dead at the FTF and massive DM burnout, I am
hereby dropping out of TOGS 4.  You're on your own Hombre, sorry.  Good luck to all
of you with the rest of the tourney.  I will still be the commish for the remainder
of the tourney and may write a Spot or PA here and there, but don't waste your
challenges or avoids on me. -- Ganolus, Blood Related

FONZ people -- Thank you sincerely for allowing us to participate with you in the
annual FONZ-DOA massacre.  Once again it was quite pleasurable going 1-0 against the
perennial underdogs. -- The Consortium Folk

Manager -- I retract all the implied false humor and heresy in reference to the eons
since your last TC.  Bonnie not only "rocked", but she saved what was left of your
reputation.  Salute. -- The Creepster (yabba dabba dee wop duh wop teeceeby dee be)

Soultaker -- Please do us a favor at the next tournament by hiring a third party
manager to assure that Achondroplasia gets the TC due her. -- Your Friends In The

TGG -- Nice challenges, I don't think you could do that 2 turns in a row though. --

Pip -- I underestimated how good the Brick was. -- DeGotti

Rage Man -- Ugg, an 0-5 on my part didn't help us gain any ground.  At least I got
that out of my system. -- DeGotti

Rascally -- So, Granturismo didn't have the standard 5 TC prizes on him?  I await
your bloodfeud, unfortunately.  Sadly, I remain.... -- the Ayl'm'er of the horrendous
T@#$ luck

Gazrekk -- I know I don't have to mention how much I hate you, but I'll go ahead and
do it anyway.  I reeeeeelly hate you.  Reeelly. -- Sir 'Not So' Zestalot

Soultaker -- Mmmmm, salty pork rinds and wodka.  Mmmm. -- Nulnster

     Gah!  To think I was considering breakfast. -- Ed. the no longer hungry

Erikk the Red -- When they erect a monument in my honor, I'll think back to how I
beat you.  Oh, did I just say that?  Why are you so red?  Lighten up, man. --

Asshemaster the Munificent
P.S.  You wouldn't happen to be from lower Helggunsvuund, would you?  I had a cousin
from there who carved wicked great clogs.

Crazy Creeps Scribe -- 38 Striped scarves, in a bucket of raw shrimp.  On Tuesday.
At least, that's my guess. -- anonymous puzzle solver at large 

Thundra -- Ok, I'm done now. -- Winker X, the bad challenger

It was good to see everybody from 60 at the Face.  My favorite moment among many
moments was the sight of Soultaker's ravaged goat hanging from the rafters.  Poor
Flossy.  Or Bitsy.  Or Bossy.  Or whatever her name was.  And congratulations to all
the TVs! -- Nuln 

Teacup Terrier -- What is a Teacup Terrier anyway?  Whatever you are, good fight.
Despite your record, the two times I've fought you have been frighteningly close.
May we avoid a third encounter, your Teacupness.  Until then, I shall remain.... --
Son of Bloodlust

Barnabas -- I'm sorry I put a wrench into your plans when I slept on the carriage
ride down to the Face.  Guess I owe you a TC prize now or something. -- Nuln

Death Stud -- Don't you just haaaaate rookies?  I'm never going to run in that class
again. -- Nuln

Guardian/Pip -- You guys did so well, even Manager noticed you.  What's the world
coming to...? (that was a rhetorical question) -- a disturbed Nuln

Snotman -- I thought your spotlight was pretty funny.  As for who to blame, isn't
everything always Pip's fault? -- Nuln

Shadowgate -- I can't imagine you continuing in first, either.  I mean, talk about
your total flukes.  <long pause>  Just kidding, kidding!   :D  Don't get your
underoos in a bundle, Mr. Dark Mean Shadow guy. -- Nuln, Karma's Pawn

Vohde -- How can you have "not much to say"?  You're such a dynamic, avant gard,
progressive, "ahead of his time" thinker.  I think you're selling yourself short. --
a dispirited Nuln
P.S.  I like the new spelling of your name.  I hadn't thought of that one.

Rillion -- How could you ever get tired of a warrior like Tyvinrek?  You mega-manager
big-time alliance guys are so freakin' jaded.  It's all about 21 wits and being at
least +14 total to your base or DA.  I hope the RUGS spit in your eye.... -- Nuln
P.S.  The above was very petty, but I tend to be a pretty petty person by nature.
Nothing personal.

Indimar -- Now that, I think, could be classified as pilgrimage.  It certainly was
epic, that's for sure.  Ok, I admit, I slept through the whole thing, but I'm sure it
was amazing. -- Nuln the not very good planner aheader

His Studliness -- You are the master of understatement, mon frer.  Sorry, you leave
yourself open to attack when you write those open-ended personals to the whole arena.
-- Herr Nulnrover

Armalias -- That feels like forever and a day ago.  Like your spots, bro.  Not used
to that style here in 60 (that is, someone not writing me naked or with sheep), but
it suits you well, obviously.  I look forward to the continuing chapters. -- the old
Duke of Woodfell

Judge -- Nice spots.  TRW rocks like socks in a box of botox. -- Nuln, stoked to be

Pip -- Bridge on Main street, did you say?  Just checking. *wink* ;) -- the dude from
Nulnrovian Heights

Snotman -- Ok, so tell me the truth.  Did Ed. sell her soul to you, or something.
Not that I mind, it's just that inquiring minds want to know.  I mean, we are in the
same non-alliance, after all. -- Nuln the amazed

     No souls, just lack of time on my part. -- Ed. the busier than reasonable

Soultaker -- Is everything ok?  I'm just checking to make sure.  *cough* -- yours in
FonZness, Nullllll (or Nuln)

Hombre -- I'm sorry, man.  I feel like Shteffi, and in turn, I, let you down.  I
know, I know.  You don't have to tell me.  It's time to tighten up this loose ship.
-- Nuln of the mighty french toast

All -- Just wanted to thank those who emailed me or called me regarding my Mom...
always nice to be thought of.  She is doing fine now, catching the blockages
relatively early probably saved her life. -- Jason/Anti

Snotto -- Sorry for the cost of points, things take precedent but it wasn't your
fault. :) -- anti

Guildenstern -- By all that is holy, I should have beat you.  I should always beat
guys of your style.  How come you were so good against me? -- Freep

Jamis -- Boy am I glad you decided to use that weapon.  I just love to fight when my
opponent uses a weapon in a marginally effective fashion.  I think it is the only way
I can win. -- Frub

Grover -- You were just asking for it being ranked so close to me. -- Namby Pamby

Blue Beanie -- You are the first of your type to beat me.  It should never have

Sandstorm -- Wimpy tells me I should feel really bad about challenging you since your
manager is such a nice guy.  No way.  I feel bad because I lost and only learned 4
skills. -- Twicklebum 

Congrats to everyone on their TVs and TCs! -- The Rage Man & Red Avengers

TGG -- Thanks for continuing to carry team 11.  Hopefully I will get my act together
soon and return the favor. -- Rillion

Death Stud -- You are welcome.  But you owe me one now.  I'll be around to collect a
turn salvaging from you later, hopefully in the multiplier stage of this thing. --

All -- TOGS Loser has finally succumbed to the same problem Tyvenrik suffered from
(less then 1 skill per attempt) and will now share the same fate (Dark Arena).
Hopefully TOGS Loser's replacement will be as serviceable as TOGS Replacement. --

Achondroplasia -- That was you?  If only you would spend your time practicing your
fighting skills instead of your vandalism.  Maybe then you would TC when you are the
favorite. -- Manager

All -- Wow, another turn and we are still hoping onto the lead...just, but I will
take it. -- Shadowgate

Judge -- Sorry about the beatings!  Ok, not really, but thanks for the point! --

Wimpy -- So your team is tanking and your remedy is to challenge the Black Friars?
Zeesh!  No Respect! -- Rude Buddha

Son of Bloodlust -- You sure wear a lot of armor?  What are you afraid of? --

Namby Pamby -- We'll blame Wimpy for that challenge.  He should have known better. --

Barnabas -- Congratulations, you lucky son of a buck.  You must be on cloud nine.
What could ever top this moment? -- Indimar
P.S.  Sorry to hear Soultaker tried to blackball you.

FONZ -- This could go two ways.  He will either breathe new life into your alliance
or choke the life out of it.  Enjoy. -- Indimar

Gummi Ghoul -- Damn you! I suppose I'm going to see you again. -- Maui Wowie!

The French -- Anyone ever tell you that you suck, all of you? -- Graffix

Weed 4 Mom -- Well that weed may have been for Mom, but unfortunately you didn't heed
our reputation and you got smoked in the... -- 4-FT Party Bong

Loukmad -- Let me see you lose, handily, and somehow learn double the skills that I
did?  Now how is that fair? -- Jamaican Gold

Barnabas -- Congrats on your success in the MI last fall.  Didn't even notice you
were here in the arena.  Stuff got fairly hectic for me for a while and by the time I
went to respond to your last email it was gone, along with your email address.  I
suppose I could have tracked you down somehow and that's a poor excuse but things
were pretty twisted for a while.  Hope to hear from you, and if you still have my
email give me a shout! -- Street Legal

All -- Hi, my name is Yukon and I am Nuln's and Death Stud's grudge match girl. --

Master Darque -- Hey, no problem pal.  You just keep fighting well enough to keep us
in there and we'll finish respectably enough.  Good luck, and keep up the good work!
-- Onedawg

Elephant -- Howdy.  Haven't heard from me?  Dunno why not.  I thought elephants were
supposed to have great ears.  Hmm, hopefully the memory deal checks out.  In that
case, here's lookin' at you. -- Onedawg

Barnabas -- I bet you are.  Let's just say I don't have challenge envy, and there is
apparently no short of Andorian-posers around here, though, I guess anything goes in
the T#$S, eh? -- Onedawg

Indimar -- Methinks you need to have Tay checked for "bloodlust;" I hear it's
contagious this time of year.... -- Onedawg

Fa Ching -- Sorry about the double challenges but those were the best matchups for
me. -- The Greek Guy

Thundra -- I got the arena win and you got the tourney win.  Guess we're even, huh?
-- LLengeance

Pip -- Clearly this is your fault. -- Guardian

All -- If I ignored you or was rude to you at the face, it was intentional, because
I'm an arrogant sob. -- Guardian

Ghoti -- These new guys are gonna cook. -- Armalias

     I'd like waffles with strawberries and whipped cream. -- Ed.

Armalias -- Yes we need some of them rollups before the Mail-in. --Ghoti

All -- Two turns in a row with an obligatory "don't get penalized" p-ad. -- Voyde

To whomever is publishing the "What I Learned" column -- Beowulf is thought to be the
oldest written work in the (old) English language.  Referencing it as Soultaker's
spotlight was meant to be funny (as he is very old). -- Voyde (the obscure)

Snotguy -- I'll be back to normal this next turn (well, as normal as I get, at least)
with the spotlights and such.  So far after entering in Togs I've had my car blow its
engine one year, and this time my Mudda has a heart attack.  Maybe someone is trying
to tell me something? :P -- Anti

Manager -- I thought up a couple of witty retorts, but frankly someone too lazy to
participate but who still feels a need to trash talk just doesn't warrant the effort.
-- Anti

Barnabus -- Welcome to da club! -- Anti

Whoa, I seem to have some pups that have strayed.  No idea where they got to.  Oh,
well, it isn't like this arena is thin of warriors. -- Spot, Red Dog Gang

Brak -- (recoiling)  You said a bad word!  B A T H  One of those awful four letter
words.  Not for me! -- Boone

Ed. -- No, he's dead sexy, all right.  What a whiff! -- Boone, sneezing several times
P.S.  Dogs don't like ALL strong scents.

     I though you like the dead ones though. -- Ed.

Rattlesnake Shake -- Sirius refuses to speak to you.  I guess he's kind of upset.  Us
Dogs get that way, sometimes. -- Spot

Son of Bloodlust -- Just curious, but is Bloodlust your mother or your father? --
Teacup Terrier

Ed. -- Don't you think someone should require ads in Valamantis?  I've heard it's
very quiet there. -- Spot

     Or maybe start a charity.  Donate ads to needy arenas or something. -- Ed.

Riff -- (surprised look)  (or as surprised as a dead dog can look)  Uh...were we
supposed to do something about that? -- Ghost of Bull Doggam

Ed. -- True, you humans miss a lot by being olfactorily deprived. -- Spot

     On the other hand, I don't think I could deal with the extra smells.  I have
     enough problems with that already. -- Ed.

Indimar -- Why you oughta what?  Show me how to make this fax machine win?  Did you
find the directions to it yet?  (I think the trick is word side down, but I'm not
sure, it's just so complicated!!) -- Pip

Guardian -- Downchallenging the top team's warrior--what an excellent idea.
Hopefully that's an idea that will catch on. -- Pip
P.S.  You can't just say DA and be done with me, I'm harder to get rid of than that.

Manager -- I thought we had a rather bland turn, didn't realize we were that close to
taking the turn. -- Pip

Barnabus -- We get partners in this thing?  Dang I gotta read them rules sometime.
-- Pip

Cyvin -- What a poor challenge on your part.  Making challenges like that can get you
Panned. -- The Brick

     What kind of pan?  I'd rather fancy a lasagna pan--if it was full of lasagna,
     that is. -- Ed.

Barnabus -- How'd you like that one, you killer you? -- Pip

Armalias -- Sorry I sure don't mean to exclude you from my writing.  I promise to
rectify that soon. -- Soultaker

Armalias -- I am already there again.  New team but I missed the place. -- Soultaker

Yukon -- I am really proud of you.  I saw Manalger get up three or four times and
move around and you weren't attached. -- Soultaker

Pip -- It's clearly all your fault. -- Soultaker

Guardian -- It is clearly Pip's fault. -- Soultaker

Barnabas -- Just to let you know, when you packed up you forgot your tube of chap
stick and motion lotion.  I sent it to Death Stud so you can get it from him. --

Ed. -- Really great seeing ya again.  Hope to be baaaack again next year. --

     *smile* Good to see you too (I'm going to ignore the second sentence as having
     unfortunately associations, or do I mean associates?). -- Ed.

All -- Ouch, 0-5.  At the very least, my recruits are going to do well in the tourney
and learn a lot right?  Oh, they did poorly there too, huh?  Alright, I'll give
people an easy personal ad to write next turn:  HOW BAD DO I SUCK?  And I want
descriptive answers from you clever Aradi-ans. -- Hombre

All (again) -- It was really great seeing everyone at the face. -- Hombre

Yukon -- Nice chatting with you! -- Hombre

DeGotti -- Thanks for the Margarita.... -- Hombre

All -- Well, I'm still recovering from the FTF and haven't read any of the spotlights
from T329 or T327 two turns before that.  Please don't be offended if I haven't
commented on the awesomeness of your spotlight yet.  I have been VERY impressed with
the quality of spotlights this year and I'm sure that the ones that I have yet to
read are just as good.  Keep up the good work! -- Death Stud

Faces of Eternity -- Thanks for the little ego boost and for costing your team 5
points.  There's no need for you to avoid me though, is there?  I mean, I wouldn't
challenge you, wouldn't have any reason to, right?  It's not like you've been
challenging me or anything. -- Death Studs

Nuln -- Oh right....  <nudge, nudge, wink, wink> -- Death Stud

Nuln -- Indeed it is Soul "Wormtongue" Taker that fills the ears of great men with
evil thoughts. -- Death Stud

Pandora -- Thank goodness you're here.  Soully-Woully does need a thorough "talking
to" (with a wooden paddle, that is!). -- Death Stud

Guardian -- Yeah, cool.  If you were just looking for some fun and weren't really
nutted up, then have at it.  I'm glad that you're liking it here so far (despite the
whole Pip as a partner thing).  Forget those other stupid contests where it's all
about winning and prizes and ego and yadda yadda.  Yawn, those are a dime a dozen.
Laughing your ass off is that the TOGS is all about, especially when you're getting
your butt handed to you in the arena. -- Death Stud

     So, you're saying after laughing said ass off, it is RETURNED to you in the
     arena?  Where everyone can see?  How embarrassing. -- Ed.

Barnabas -- Psst, you were right the first time.  Innsmouth Brood isn't part of the
TOGS, so challenge away. -- Death Stud

FONZ non-alliance guys -- All spotlight kidding aside, we actually had a pretty good
tourney, especially considering the level of preparedness of some of us.  Overall,
fairly beefy TV numbers with mistimed warriors and Rookies and things.  Congrats to
all, and let's turn a few of them into TC's next tourney. -- Death Stud

Genocide -- I would guess that we have matched up sometime, but couldn't say for
sure.  After the TOGS, we could hook up and maybe your warriors would be nice and let
me kick them around the arena a bit?  <grin>  Welcome back. -- Death Stud

Nuln -- While it's technically true that "The Upstarts III" starts with the letter
't', it would be filed under 'u'.  After we normalize the title, we'd end up with
"upstarts iii".  But none of it matters because now I know his warrior's names too.
You won't see him avoiding me anymore either. -- Snotman

Pretty Pandora -- Welcome to Aradi.  I know that you are evil and all that, but
still, how can you have sex with that lump of clotted grease?  Or is the marriage bed
empty?  That would be quite a scoop for the Aradi Free Press, "Soultaker so ugly that
only animals won't say no to him!" -- Snotman

Freep -- You've been reading the red book of lies again.  Each warrior is allowed 20
characters for their name -- Mistress Bombronic
P.S.  Send Pipsqueek over here, I'll clean his clock!

Manager -- I think that it's clear that we are only the 5th least organized team in
this TOGS let alone ever.  Guardian challenged Pip ON PURPOSE!  I at least made a
mistake.  And missing three turns of the TOGS, that's pretty unacceptable. -- Snotman
P.S.  We have a lot more TOGS points than you do.  Stop living off past glory and put
your money where you mouth is.

Anti -- Like I said, real life is a lot more important than Duelmasters.  'Taint no
thing -- Snotman
P.S.  Not your damn car, that is less important that Duelmasters.
P.P.S.  Good thing we aren't in first place or I might not be so forgiving :)

Are we winning yet? -- Dreihdenflahg

Hope this makes it in time. -- Dreihdenflahg

Baron -- You've exceeded my expectations.  Well done.  Luck has definitely assisted
you along the way.  When will your luck expire? -- Elephant

Team Virtue -- Are 12 pts downchallenges your customary way of greeting the new
teams?   If you want it to be on, then it's on.  Downchallenges do not bother us, but
when we receive them we always give them back 10 times over.  Don't cry when your
record takes a plunge. -- Leave Scars

All -- Just thought I'd get in the p-ad quota by amazing you and saying something
cool and witty.  So here goes:  Something cool and witty! -- CFH

Ed. -- How 'bout a team manager list for this arena? -- CFH
P.S.  I have my kneepads and chopstick ready if necessary.

    Here's what I have.  These are teams listed in last turn's newsletter.  If I've
    gotten anyone's name wrong, just let me know and I'll fix it. -- The Saint,
    keeper of lists
    P.S.  Some painkillers would be nice, but none of the rest is necessary.
    4000 BLOWS          Nuln                       LUROCIANS VI       The Greek Guy
    5 BELOW ZERO        CFH                        METAL MELTDOWN     Destitute Noble
    ARADI'S DEAD        Otto X. F'slosh            MY BEST BUDS 2     Street Legal
    BATTLEFIELD GIRTH   Manray, Marquis d'F'slosh  NATURAL DISASTERS  Soultaker
    BEERBARIANS         Dark One                   OGRES ARE US       Ghoti
    BLACK FRIARS        Rude Buddha                POWER BROKERS      Mannequin
    BLOOD RELATED       Ganolus Oakleaf            R.J.G.             Dreihdenflahg
    BUMS 'R' US         Berylstar                  RED AVENGERS       Rage Man
    DARQUE AGES         Master Darque              RED DOG GANG       Spot
    DEATH STUDS VII     Death Stud                 RESCUE RANGERS     JE
    DEMONS OF DARKNESS  Rillion                    SAAB STORY         Rascally Rabbit
    ELOQUENT KNIGHTS    Soultaker                  SHADOW SIGNS       Shadowgate
    FA CHING            DeGotti                    SPIRIT SENTINELS   ?
    FACES OF ETERNITY   Onedawg                    STORM GUARD        ?
    FIVE SPHERES        Voyde                      SWIFT CURRENT      Barnabas
    FORGOTTEN REALMS    Talon Warsmith             THE UNDERWORLD     ?
    HIT ME WITH...      PTFT                       THE UPSTARTS III   Anti
    I'M WITH STUPID     Yukon Cornelius            THIEVES GUILD      Hombre
    INNSMOUTH BROOD     ?                          THIRSTY THUGS      DMobster
    JOKA MASHER!        Sultan                     WILD CARDS         Snotman
    LEGALESE            The Judge                  WIMPS OF DEATH     Wimpy
    LOCK-OUT            Elephant                   WING HOVE          Indimar Fallon
    LOSERS              Guardian

CFH -- Just because we try to write funny spotlights doesn't mean that you have to.
But if you do want to try comedy, here's a quick hint.  Prostate cancer...not funny.
Prostate exam...pure comedic gold.  Hopefully this will help you in your future
spotlights. -- Snotman

     Don't listen to him, he's the most edited manager this T@#S. *grin* -- Ed.

10 January 2004
ZalCon2 Updates (1/9/04)

     The contest will be starting on the turn due February 23rd, 2004 and run for 20
     Only one team will be allowed for each manager in the contest, regardless of
whether additional teams are announced as contest entries.  No exceptions for any
     The Style Master points should read that there is +1 point for beating a member
of your own style even if the warrior is not registered for the contest.
     Rolling points for consecutive turns as Style Master means that your warrior
gets the extra point every turn after the first 3 that he continues to hold the
     The points for Quality Wins should be clarified to read the winning warrior is
ranked below by the number of recognition points needed for each bonus point at the
start of the fight.  For example, Warrior A (3-2-0, 17) beats Warrior B (4-1-0, 35)
and receives 2 bonus points under Quality Win for the 18 point difference in the
     I believe that is all the clarifications for the moment, please feel free to
email, diplo, call or write me with any other questions or concerns about the
          Robert Occhipinti aka Zalgor Prigg

10 January 2004
                *     *     *  Third Annual Turf War  *     *      *

     Come one and all to DM 47 (North Fork) for the Third Annual Turf War!  Rules of
the contest will be posted in Turn #208's newsletter (due date Feb. 23).  The contest
will begin on Turn #209 (due date March 22).
     So, get a team there and register!  To register, you must send me a donation of
one (1) rollup CERTIFICATE.  Then, declare your alliance and team in the North Fork
personals.  You may also declare a warrior as champion, and that warrior will earn
(or lose!) double points in the contest!
     Roll-up certs will be *ALL* awarded as prizes, in addition to:

*** Highest Scoring Alliance -- Gets to Rename DM 47 for 6 months!
*** Most returns from DA (Alliance) -- Rename DA monsters for 6 months!
*** Most listings as "Style Masters" (Alliance) -- Pick arena to host the April "05
    Grand Tournament!
*** Warrior with the most awards -- Arenamaster named after him for 6 months!
*** Alliance with the most awards -- Pick the slow arena for TW 4!
*** Team with most "Style Master" listings -- Discover favorites of one warrior on
*** Warrior with most "Style Master" listings -- Fights at my expense for 5 turns!
    (I'll transfer $7.50 to the manager's account)
*** Alliance with the most kills -- Rename the stand-ins for 6 months!
*** Highest scoring Warrior -- Fights at my expense for 5 turns.  (I'll transfer
    $7.50 to their manager's account.)

     The contest will run for 10 turns, with the winners announced on turn #220.  See
the Turn #208 North Fork newsletter for complete rules and scoring system!  Direct
"declarations" to:  A.D. in the personals, and prize pot entry donations to:
                      Jason Mazuch HSP H-2
                      P.O. Box 339 #924385
                      Sparta, GA  31087-0339
     By snail mail or diplo through RSI.
               Bloody Sands!
                    Asmo Dius, TCB

16 January 2004
                                    CHAOTIC WINDS
     Once, long ago, the four Winds of Time descended upon Alastari like a TEMPEST of
epic proportions, they slew everything within their all-encompassing reach.  They
left nothing.  In their wake lay smoldering ruins.
     In their haste they sped towards the center of this great land like a colossal
giant would step across an ocean.  The four storms picked up momentum on their way
towards each other.  A collision was eminent.
     The first storm wind, the oldest and wisest of the four was named APEXALUS.  The
second, FLAGGSTAFF, was the quickest and loudest entity ever created.  The third Wind
of Time was MATRIATIN, neither old or young, quick or slow, but fierce and feisty all
the same.  The forth wind, ASSAMITHIUS, the youngest yet most creative in its means
of destruction.
     When finally they merged at the center of ALASTARI, an incredible destructive
explosion occurred.  And when the smoke and debris cleared they were one.  CHAOS was
     And Chaos spread across the diminished lands reeking havoc and doom with its
passing, and destroying allover again that which already lay in ruin.

F E A R    C H A O S    I N C.

28 January 2004
All -- I send out this invitation to all teams and managers.  A new Alliance has been
formed.  The Living Essences Alliance is being formed to join forces in an effort to
eliminate common foes and to help the joined warriors grow and learn to the best of
their abilities by offering suggestions and advice.  It doesn't matter what arena
you're in, or if you're in another alliance already, as of today.  This Alliance is
open to one and all!  If you are interested in joining, please DIPLO me, or send a
personal ad to DM 93's newsletter.  If you wish to join beyond March 2004, send a PA
to DM 82.  Come join the fun! -- Dagan LifeGiver, mgr. Shadow Warriors (DM 93)

28 January 2004
This notice is to formally introduce our young alliance, CHAOS INC.  We consist of
APEX, FLAGG, MATRIX, ASSAMITE, and now RUDE BUDDHA.  If we aren't already there, we
WILL be coming to an arena near you soon!  Hope to see you all at the ZALCON II.

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

TOGS LOSER was butchered by SEA MONSTER in a 1 minute bloody Dark Arena fight.
KLEPTO SLACKER was dispatched by STONE GOLEM in a 4 minute Dark Arena battle.
URG THE UNCLEAN was luckily killed by  STONE GOLEM in a 2 minute Dark Arena duel.
PLEASE DIE was dealt death by MARINE TROLL in a popular 2 minute Dark Arena fight.
SIRENS was viciously butchered by BORED ELF in a 1 minute Dark Arena brawl.
DEAD ONE was dealt death by STONE GOLEM in a 2 minute Dark Arena match.
GUARDIAN was butchered by DARK CHAMPION in a 1 minute Dark Arena competition.
DEVIL DIGGER was assassinated by MARINE TROLL in a 1 minute gruesome Dark Arena melee.
WINKER X was vanquished by LIGHTNING IX in a 1 minute uneven Challenge Title duel.
NEWCASTLE slaughtered THE BRICK in a 2 minute brutal one-sided Challenge fight.
HENRY IV was overcome by BLUE BEANIE in a 3 minute Challenge bout.
LLLENGEANCE overpowered WHITE RAVEN in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge match.
RATTLESNAKE SHAKE devastated THE AYL'M'ER in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge conflict.
BARON was demolished by QUICKSAND in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge brawl.
LACHES was viciously subdued by ACUTE in a 2 minute veteran's Challenge conflict.
TRIPLICATE THUNDER was defeated by KABOOM in a 1 minute expert's Challenge struggle.
LLUPERIOR LLORCES was handily defeated by DEMURRER in a 1 minute Challenge bout.
LEO devastated MISTRESS BOMBTRONIC in a exciting 3 minute one-sided Challenge brawl.
ROSENCRANTZ overpowered RIP RAP in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
LLUCKY DAY outlasted FRUB in a unpopular 23 minute bloody Challenge conflict.
GOLDFISH overpowered IKER in a 1 minute uneven Challenge fight.
KARATE WRECKER demolished SHARP STICK in a 1 minute uneven Challenge bout.
NOODLES vanquished WIND in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge fray.
MC CAIN overpowered SLIPKNOT in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge match.
MARBURY savagely defeated ZERBERT in a tiresome 27 minute gory Challenge duel.
VIKEN viciously butchered TEACUP TERRIER in a 4 minute gory Challenge fight.
TAY STARLE was narrowly defeated by SON OF BLOODLUST in a 2 minute Challenge melee.
TOGS STINKER outwaited SYDA HAMMIE in a tiring 8 minute Challenge fray.
DERRIN handily defeated PIPSQUEAK in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge bout.
SANDSTORM vanquished JAMIS in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
THE FRENCH was overpowered by FLORIN FALCONHAND in a 1 minute uneven Challenge duel.
SCRAG defeated ANDROGENOUS STRAIN in a 2 minute Challenge match.
CYCLONE demolished STRANGLEMEELMO in a exciting 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
DICHABOD was savagely defeated by GOURMET GRUEL in a exciting 4 minute Challenge fray.
HELL MARY was vanquished by ANGRY SUE in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge fight.
HOSCHA was demolished by MARDUK in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge match.
WURL POOLE beat INSISTANT BEGGAR in a 2 minute Challenge fray.
ASSHE-MASTER narrowly defeated XXX in a tiresome 18 minute Challenge match.
S.L.A.P.P. viciously subdued MAIMONIDES in a action packed 4 minute Challenge match.
BONG narrowly defeated MR OBLIVIOUS in a popular 3 minute bloody Challenge duel.
GROVER savagely defeated VOHDE in a action packed 3 minute Challenge competition.
WILDFIRE defeated VICIOUS RUMOR in a 3 minute Challenge battle.
GRAFFIX lost to FREEP in a 4 minute Challenge duel.
HANGMAN was devastated by SILVER BELLS in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge match.
WEED 4 MOM was viciously subdued by VORPAL BUNNY in a 6 minute Challenge fight.
QUETZACOATYL was viciously subdued by ANGRY SANTA in a 7 minute Challenge melee.
INNOCENT murdered MONKEY'S PAW in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge match.
LEGS ANDARMS demolished SQUIRTY JOE in a 1 minute gory uneven Challenge fight.
DUNNO overpowered DOVE FALCONHAND in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fray.
T-MAC was handily defeated by TOSSED SALAD in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
FLICKED BOOGERS was subdued by THE-SHOCKER in a 2 minute Challenge conflict.
JAMAICAN GOLD savagely defeated PIP THE TROLL in a exciting 4 minute Challenge battle.
IAGO was beaten by WATER in a crowd pleasing 1 minute Challenge conflict.
TERRA was viciously subdued by THOMPSON in a 2 minute bloody Challenge match.
URBAN narrowly defeated IVAN in a slow 10 minute bloody amateur's Challenge battle.
LOUKMAD was demolished by FLAME in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge battle.
HEADROCK bested OBITER DICTA in a 1 minute veteran's bout.
SIR ZESTALOT vanquished SICK PUPPY in a 2 minute one-sided struggle.
GAZREKK overpowered GUMMI GHOUL in a crowd pleasing 1 minute mismatched brawl.
RIFF executed BOONE in a action packed 1 minute brutal one-sided match.
LORD OF THE O RINGS handily defeated TALON in a popular 1 minute mismatched battle.
SMIRLIN was devastated by SIRIUS in a 1 minute one-sided fight.
SPIT was barely slain by NAPPY DUGOUT in a action packed 1 minute expert's match.
LLUGS AND LLISSES overpowered HELMS in a popular 1 minute one-sided fight.
HERROL won victory over SPONGEBOB in a exciting 3 minute duel.
SUPERNOVA demolished BING in a popular 1 minute uneven battle.
GUILDENSTERN was defeated by GODFREY in a 1 minute contest.
TWISTER demolished 4-FT PARTY BONG in a 1 minute mismatched duel.
BUSH overpowered VISITING ORC in a 1 minute one-sided match.
MURRAY savagely defeated PIKEL in a popular 3 minute gory fight.
MAUI WOWIE! was devastated by MOON BABY in a exciting 5 minute bloody mismatched duel.
TYPHOON XXII luckily beat NAMBY PAMBY in a action packed 7 minute bloody match.
ORIGINAL SHOCKER was subdued by MR. NEGATIVITY in a 1 minute fight.
SANDY BEACH overpowered TWICKLEBUM in a 1 minute uneven duel.
ZYLLEIX'S SHADE was demolished by EDDIE THE ECHO in a 1 minute uneven conflict.
LANCELOT was demolished by PIGGY in a 1 minute one-sided duel.
WILLOW savagely defeated INDIMAR'S FAXMACHINE in a exciting 1 minute conflict.
URLGEN THREE-FIST easily killed PPAPPY in a 1 minute one-sided duel.
BLUD overpowered ROCKY BANKS in a 1 minute one-sided contest.
ERIK THE RED bested BONE TAGGER in a 1 minute novice's match.
TOGS REPLACEMENT overpowered TRUST FUND BABY in a 1 minute one-sided fray.
LIMPY LIMPY demolished FRIENDLY CONSTABLE in a 2 minute one-sided fray.
NERVOUS TIC devastated VOLCANO in a 1 minute one-sided bout.
SPED was beaten by TELESPHORUS in a exciting 1 minute beginner's duel.
BALLROOM BLITZ won victory over VERDICT in a 1 minute novice's fray.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|LUNGING ATTACK                  36         AIMED BLOW        52 -  47 -  0      53  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                 35         STRIKING ATTACK  148 - 142 - 10      51  |
|TOTAL PARRY                     28         TOTAL PARRY      126 - 123 -  3      51  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                 18         LUNGING ATTACK   176 - 182 -  6      49  |
|AIMED BLOW                      11         WALL OF STEEL     42 -  47 -  1      47  |
|BASHING ATTACK                  10         PARRY-LUNGE       20 -  23 -  2      47  |
|WALL OF STEEL                    8         SLASHING ATTACK   82 -  98 -  8      46  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      7         BASHING ATTACK    45 -  65 -  6      41  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    4         PARRY-RIPOSTE     16 -  26 -  1      38  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     3         PARRY-STRIKE      18 -  34 -  1      35  |

Turn 330 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

PARRY-RIPOSTE      3 -  1     TOTAL PARRY       13 - 15         5  STRIKING ATTACK
STRIKING ATTACK   23 - 12     LUNGING ATTACK    16 - 20         3  LUNGING ATTACK 
AIMED BLOW         6 -  5     PARRY-LUNGE        3 -  4         2  SLASHING ATTACK
BASHING ATTACK     5 -  5     WALL OF STEEL      3 -  5         1  WALL OF STEEL  
                              PARRY-STRIKE       1 -  2     
                              SLASHING ATTACK    4 - 14     

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
STRIKING ATTACK  LIGHTNING IX 4866          10   4  2  170 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
LUNGING ATTACK   HEADROCK 3430              18  16  0  110 OGRES ARE US (270)
PARRY-LUNGE      LORD OF THE O RINGS 6022   21  11  1   90 WILD CARDS (148)
BASHING ATTACK   DEMURRER 5828              13   9  2   77 LEGALESE (449)
PARRY-STRIKE     LLUGS AND LLISSES 5887     10   8  1   70 LUROCIANS VI (431)
TOTAL PARRY      BLUE BEANIE 6461           10   9  1   67 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
AIMED BLOW       LEO 6837                    6   1  0   66 DARQUE AGES (536)
PARRY-RIPOSTE    TWISTER 6114                8   6  0   49 ARADI'S DEAD (393)
WALL OF STEEL    VIKEN 6943                  5   2  1   44 LOSERS (544)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is NAPPY DUGOUT 6080.  The most popular warrior this 
turn was NAMBY PAMBY 6977.  The ten other most popular fighters were S.L.A.P.P. 6974, 
6837, GROVER 7004, MURRAY 6661, VORPAL BUNNY 6731, and MOON BABY 6187.

The least popular fighter this week was ZERBERT 6243.  The other ten least popular 
fighters were MARBURY 4499, LLUCKY DAY 6021, FRUB 6794, XXX 6975, ASSHE-MASTER 7000, 
URBAN 7035, IVAN 7043, TOGS STINKER 6588, ANGRY SANTA 6828, and MAIMONIDES 7010.

The following warriors have traveled to ADVANCED DUELMASTERS after fighting this turn: