Date   : 02/13/2004    Duedate: 02/26/2004


DM-60    TURN-331

This Weeks Top Honors


(60-4866) [11-4-2,184]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

LIGHTNING IX                   LEO
DEATH STUDS VII (301)          DARQUE AGES (536)
(60-4866) [11-4-2,184]         (60-6837) [6-2-0,54]

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

NAPPY DUGOUT                   MURRAY
WILD CARDS (148)               POWER BROKERS (527)
(60-6080) [15-15-1,88]         (60-6661) [8-6-0,51]



Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. RED AVENGERS (487)          55
2. WILD CARDS (148)            48      RED AVENGERS (487)
3. DEATH STUDS VII (301)       37      Unchartered Team
4. I'M WITH STUPID (531)       37
5. MELEE-MAGTHERE (549)        37      MALAGUAR'S MINIONS (550)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 0*MALAGUAR'S MINIONS (550)   4   1  0 80.0   1/ 2 DEATH STUDS VII (301)    13  2 0
 2- 3 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)   102  56  5 64.6   2/10 NATURAL DISASTERS (159)  11  3 0
 3/ 4 RED AVENGERS (487)        29  16  1 64.4   3/ 5 WILD CARDS (148)         11  4 1
 4/ 2*5 BELOW ZERO (532)        15  10  1 60.0   4/ 4 RED AVENGERS (487)       11  4 1
 5/ 9 I'M WITH STUPID (531)     29  21  1 58.0   5/12 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 10  5 0
 6/ 5 POWER BROKERS (527)       42  31  6 57.5   6/ 9*DARQUE AGES (536)         9  6 2
 7/ 6 LUROCIANS VI (431)        97  75  6 56.4   7/15 I'M WITH STUPID (531)     9  6 0
 8- 7 SAAB STORY (389)         103  80  8 56.3   8/ 1 4000 BLOWS (107)          8  7 1
 9/ 0 JIVE STEP BUNCH (551)     76  63  8 54.7   9/34 WIMPS OF DEATH (66)       8  7 0
10/ 8 WING HOVE (529)           30  25  3 54.5  10/ 3 LUROCIANS VI (431)        8  7 0
11-10 SWIFT CURRENT (468)       87  76  8 53.4  11/ 7*5 BELOW ZERO (532)        8  7 0
12/11 NATURAL DISASTERS (159)  571 507 19 53.0  12/ 8*LOSERS (544)              7  7 2
13/12 WIMPS OF DEATH (66)      522 464 30 52.9  13/21 LEGALESE (449)            7  8 0
14/13 DEATH STUDS VII (301)    319 286  8 52.7  14/22*MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      7  8 0
15/16*DARQUE AGES (536)         20  18  5 52.6  15/25 THIEVES GUILD (396)       7  8 0
16/14 WILD CARDS (148)         691 628 26 52.4  16/11 OGRES ARE US (270)        7  8 0
17/17 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 150 141 12 51.5  17/ 6 WING HOVE (529)           7  8 0
18-19 BLOOD RELATED (395)      135 132  4 50.6  18/17 BLACK FRIARS (521)        6  5 0

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
19/18 SHADOW SIGNS (491)        68  68  1 50.0  19/24 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)    6  9 1
20/15 LOCK-OUT (368)            40  41  1 49.4  20/20*FACES OF ETERNITY (539)   6  9 1
21-21 SPIRIT SENTINELS (191)    51  54  8 48.6  21/13 SHADOW SIGNS (491)        6  9 0
22/23 OGRES ARE US (270)       139 148  2 48.4  22/14 HIT ME WITH... (503)      6  9 0
23-25 METAL MELTDOWN (344)     272 299 21 47.6  23/27 ARADI'S DEAD (393)        5  5 0
24/28 THIEVES GUILD (396)      120 134  5 47.2  24/18 POWER BROKERS (527)       5  9 0
25/22 THE UNDERWORLD (15)       51  57  4 47.2  25/26 FIVE SPHERES (462)        5 10 0
26/26 4000 BLOWS (107)         549 616 27 47.1  26/16 R.J.G. (475)              5 10 0
27/20*LOSERS (544)              18  21  2 46.2  27/ 0*MALAGUAR'S MINIONS (550)  4  1 0
28/27 HIT ME WITH... (503)      18  21  0 46.2  28-23 SWIFT CURRENT (468)       3  2 1
29/24*INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)     12  14  2 46.2  29-28 BLOOD RELATED (395)       3  2 0
30/29 FA CHING (388)            87 105  3 45.3  30-32 METAL MELTDOWN (344)      3  5 0
31-30 STORM GUARD (546)         38  46  1 45.2  31/31 BUMS 'R' US (465)         3  7 0
32/33 ARADI'S DEAD (393)       110 136  5 44.7  32/33 THE UNDERWORLD (15)       3  7 0
33/31 BUMS 'R' US (465)        120 150  0 44.4  33/37 RED DOG GANG (476)        3  8 0
34/34 LEGALESE (449)            58  74  3 43.9  34/19 LOCK-OUT (368)            3 11 0
35/32 BEERBARIANS (528)         13  17  4 43.3  35-35*DARK TOGS (526)           2  0 0
36/36*MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      19  26  1 42.2  36/30 BEERBARIANS (528)         2  1 1
37-35 JOKA MASHER! (283)       152 213  6 41.6  37/29 FA CHING (388)            2  8 0
38/38 BLACK FRIARS (521)        34  50  3 40.5  38-39 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)    1  0 0
39/37 R.J.G. (475)              66 101  1 39.5  39-41 JOKA MASHER! (283)        1  0 0
40/39 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)    62 105  3 37.1  40-42 SAAB STORY (389)          1  2 1
41/40 RED DOG GANG (476)       221 380  3 36.8  41/36*INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)     1  2 0
42-41 THE UPSTARTS III (510)    23  42  3 35.4  42/ 0 JIVE STEP BUNCH (551)     1  3 0
43/42 FIVE SPHERES (462)        21  39  1 35.0  43/ 0*MELEE-MAGTHERE (549)      1  4 0
44/44*FACES OF ETERNITY (539)   15  30  2 33.3  44-38 THE UPSTARTS III (510)    1  9 0
45-43*DARK TOGS (526)            5  11  1 31.3  45-44 STORM GUARD (546)         0  2 0
46/ 0*MELEE-MAGTHERE (549)       1   4  0 20.0  46-43 SPIRIT SENTINELS (191)    0  2 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                    TEAM SPOTLIGHT

              + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Red Avengers ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                          Secrets of the Rage Man (Part 3)

     It was a beautiful Aradi afternoon.  Well, as beautiful as an afternoon in Aradi
can get anyway.  At least the sun was shining.  Ganolus Oakleaf, wearing a white
plumber's outfit, knocked on the door to the Red Avengers guildhouse.  His colleague,
Hombre, wore a similar plumber's outfit, except it was a light blue with lavender
trim around the leg area.  He wore his pants intentionally too tight in order to
showcase his tanned and toned butt crack.  (He had once read in a magazine that
Sylvester Stallone said it only took 50-75 butt crunches per day to keep your
buttocks tight.)  Hombre had thought about promoting the showcasing of butt cracks as
the latest fashion trend in Aradi, but decided against it because no one wanted to
see Nuln's butt crack.
     Ganolus knocked on the door.  A watchful eye could be seen through the eyehole
and the door slowly opened.
     "Excuse me?" the gladiatrix, Supernova, answered the door.  "Hey it's Ganolus
and Hombre!  What are you two doing here?"
     "Um, we're are so not Ganolus and Hombre." lied Ganolus, "We're just ordinary
plumbers here to fix your kitchen sink."
     "We are?" asked Hombre.
     "Yes." Ganolus elbowed Hombre in the stomach, "Your manager put in orders to
have his kitchen sink fixed."
     "We don't have a kitchen sink." replied Supernova, "We don't even have pipes.
We use a well."
     "Well in that case, we are here to fix your well."
     "B-But...." Supernova didn't have to finish, the two managers pushed there way
into the guildhouse before Supernova had a chance to finish.
     "Don't worry." reassured Ganolus, "Your well definitely needs fixing.  We most
certainly aren't spies here to steal your secrets or anything."
     "Well, if you say so." Supernova closed the door after the two managers.  "The
kitchen is that way," she pointed, leaving the two members of team one alone in the
living room before leaving to her room.
     "Wow, that was easy." said Ganolus excitedly, "Now we have to quietly sneak into
the Rage Man's room.  It's probably upstairs."
     The pair had of managers had no problems finding it.  With most of the Red
Avengers sleeping or lounging around, they were able to walk around undetected.  The
Rage Man's door was unlocked.  Ganolus and Hombre quickly went in, and began to
inspect every detail of the Rage Man's Room.  The pair noticed a post-it note
attached to the door.  It read:

New Year's Resolutions:
- Win the Tournament of the Golden Scrod
- Win the Talcama Battle Royale
- Win Zalcon: Reloaded
- TC Primus and win the most TCs.
- Take over the world.

     "Wow.  Talk about delusional." said Hombre.
     "Yeah," laughed Ganolus, "Everyone knows that one of us is going to win Zalcon:
     The two managers continued to look around and search the room.  After a few
minutes, they still had not found any more clues.
     "Does anyone even live here?" asked Ganolus in frustration, "This place is
spotless."  The Rage Man's room was indeed spotless, everything was extremely neat
and organized.  Even the books on a nearby bookshelf were organized by their Dewey
Decimal system numbers.  (And they weren't library books either.)
     "Hey, look at this!" Hombre grabbed a book from the bookshelf that was entitled
Anagrams for Mega-Managers and started to flip through it. " Did you know that 'Also
Gnu' is an anagram for Ganolus?"
     "I'm in the book?" asked Ganolus excitedly, "Someone considers me a mega-
     "No." replied Hombre, "I just thought of that now."
     "Oh." The disappointment was clearly evident in Ganolus's voice.  "Anyway, we
need to stay on task.  Where are the warrior overviews?  Where are his strategy
sheets?  We need to find out usable info."
     "I don't think it's here." Hombre sighed, "Maybe if we could get into the
     "Too risky," replied Ganolus, "His warriors will discover us snooping around for
sure if we go there.  We need to hope he left something here."
     "Hey, what's that on the ground?" Hombre's sharp eye caught a black object on
the otherwise immaculate floor.  (He noticed the color scheme was all wrong)  "It
looks like a piece of macaroni.  A black piece of macaroni."  The well-tanned manager
moved to put the macaroni in his mouth before Ganolus slapped it out of his hand.
     "You shouldn't pick up food from the floor and eat it!" cried Ganolus, "That's
     "Sorry," apologized Hombre, "It just looked kind of delicious lying down there
on the ground.  Although now that I look at it closely, it totally looks like the
Macaroni of Evil!"
     "Don't be ridiculous," said Ganolus, "If that's the Macaroni of Evil, then that
means...The Rage Man is really...."
     "Who?" asked Hombre eagerly.
     "I don't know," answered Ganolus sheepishly, "I was just trying to be dramatic."
     Off in the distance, a dog barked.

    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ SO What DID WE LEARN LAST ROUND? ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

The leader of the Moo-vement is NOT a cow.
The FONZites are goat-lovers.
Mega manager big-time alliance guys are freakin' jaded.
FrothingDeathStar is a huge war machine.
Magic Man is returning.
Nuln wears a beautiful bright orange suit and matching tophat.
Elephant cannot resist distractions.
Guardians sub .500 record is a strength.

                           ADDITIONAL LEARNINGS FROM TOGS

Mannequin is old and rusty.  (Uses geritol also.)
Soultaker cannot win TOGS, even with good partners.
Sgt. Ganolus Oakleaf is a bumbling inept sidekick.
The combined Primus TC is the most prestigious of the famous.
Guardian is allegedly a sheep killing mega manager.
You can purchase Dr. Togs Sex Wax at The Scrodde Shoppe.
Kellumbo is undefeated against Death Stud.  (Isn't everyone?)
Farmspot is sponsored by Nuln's hairy nipple warmers.
'Tis better to be Baaaaaad, than to be a Manalger.
Sir Guardian is the Free Cities Ambassador to Aradi.
You're in for a hell of a ride.
Barnabas lives in a mansion.  (Not!)
Soultaker sure seems to pat/pet Death Stud a lot.
Pip wrote a prescription for Soultaker's cavity search.
Dark Lord Sourmanalgeron commands the Legion Seven.
Ganolus chickened out of the TOGS.
That arrogant SOB Guardian "dissed" everyone at The Face.
Onedawg is a last scion.
The DOA is inferior to The FONZ in head-to-head competition.

               + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Darque Ages ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +


     The expedition to Lydel was uneventful in many aspects.  I always find voyages
upon the ocean enjoyable.  I believe it has something to do with the paradox the
water offers to my typical environment.  The rolling waves full of life.  The gentle
breeze fluttering through sails and robes.  An obvious contrast to the consuming
fires of my own home.  However, the trip was so short that it could hardly be called
a voyage.  Lydel is situated on an island a mere fifteen miles east of Aradi.
     I chose to sail to Lydel rather than teleport.  I wanted to keep the local
suspicions to a minimum.  Coming into town via a ship seemed a logical solution to
the dilemma.
     A demon disembarking from a ship would seem out of place also.  I may have
acceptance among the managerial community, but the common folk are not accustomed to
seeing inter-planar beings.  I have taken on the guise of an elderly human scholar.
Graying hair, a slight limp and humped back add to the effectiveness of the ruse.  I
would have preferred an elven form because human digits are so clumsy when it comes
to spellcraft.  But from all of my reports, Lydel is a mainly human settlement.  It
will be easier to maneuver and research as a human.  Also, an elf researching human
hearsay and legend seems suspect.
     My gladiators were happy to see me leave Aradi.  Their performance of late has
been abysmal, so I arranged a few torchlight fights for a few of them.  It had an
astounding effect on their performance.  I shall have to watch the new recruits
closely, they are a strange lot.
     The city of Lydel, if it can truly be called a city, is rather nondescript.  It
is the typical island settlement of medium size.  It cannot compare with Aradi, and
does not show up on many maps.  The docks are littered with ruffians and fishmongers.
Both are trying to separate visitors and natives alike from their gold.  I have found
the local constables to be less than lawful in their practices.  They collected a
landing tax from the other passengers as they came ashore.  I persuaded them that I
did not need to pay such a tax or any others they planned to collect.  As expected,
they agreed whole-heartedly.  I may have use for the lot of them later, which is the
only reason I allowed them to live.
     I did notice an odd occurrence in the city proper that may lead to further
investigation.  I spotted an apparition in the streets.  It was a young boy,
transparent and intangible, exiting an alleyway.  The on-lookers and citizens paid no
more attention to the ghost than one would give a stray cat.  Ghosts, as with other
undead, interest me, so I'll ask a few questions tomorrow.
     I am now sitting in one of only two inns in the entire city.  I chose the Blue
Boar Inn because it is closer to the library.  I have more books in my baggage than
this library holds, yet some of the texts are old and have been untouched for
centuries.  Who would have thought that illiteracy of the populace could be a good
thing?  I have decided that I will delve more into this local spirit tomorrow.
Bahutep has waited nearly a millennia for a visitor, a few more days is not going to
disappoint him.  I doubt this ghost has any connection with my ultimate goals on this
island, but sometimes the greatest treasure is discovered in places we least expect.

To Be Continued...

                + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Fa Ching ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                  DeGotti's Return
                                       Part 8

Recap of part 7...

     After yet another night of partying, DeGotti awoke with a pounding headache and
dry mouth and one and a half hours to get to the parade.  Along the way to the floats
he took one of Nuln's "magic red pills" to cure his headache.  He also saw the Greek
Guy being helped by his partner and alliance mate Rillion.  At least someone was
feeling worse then he was.  He reached the parade starting spot and was greeted by
Nuln who was wearing a bright orange suit with light blue cuffs and an orange top hat
with the same light blue stripe around its base.  The floats were almost identical
except for the different colors and slightly different banners.

     "Heya, Nuln." I said.
     "Hey, DeGotti, glad to see you and right on time.  Wimpy and Destitute Noble are
picking up beads to toss at the parade watchers.  You can pick yours up right over
near that table." Nuln pointed towards a table with huge boxes of beads over near the
     "Thanks Nuln, how long do those magic red pills take to have any effect?" I
     "Usually an hour or so." was his answer.
     "Thanks again, I'll see you later." I told him as I made my way over to get my
     I was walking over towards the table when I ran into my TOGS II teammates Wimpy
and Destitute Noble.
     "Heya Noble and Wimpy," I said, "I notice you aren't participating in TOGS IV,
Noble, and it looks like we will be on opposite sides this time out, Wimpy."
     Noble replied, "Yeah the TOGS III was a nightmare so I am sitting this one out,
but I am looking forward to these festivities."
     "I am partnering up with Judge, my TOGS III partner, again." chimed in Wimpy.
     "OK, guys I need to get my beads I'll see you on the float in a few." I said as
I stepped into the line for beads.
     The line was moving more slowly than I would have liked.  There was only one
lady handing out beads to all the float riders.  The parade would start late if they
didn't get more help.
     Finally, after five minutes of waiting, they got more people to distribute the
beads and the line moved much more quickly.
     Just as I stepped up to get my beads, I felt the "magic red pill" start kicking
in.  I felt a bit light-headed and colors became more vibrant.
     "DeGotti...DeGotti...DeGotti, here are your beads." said the lady with the beads
as she handed me the box.
     "Thank you," I slurred as I turned and made my way back to the float.

To be continued...

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

    Shadow Sign's Team Spotlight #8 "Meeting with the Pickled Twit and the Judge"

     Well, Shadowgate's sides where still hurting from the dual ewe joke on Manager
but he understood Manager's distaste for the whole subject.  He wasn't sure that
Manager would ever forgive Yukon.  Not many people have seen Manager is a full out
rage but it wasn't something you wanted to be around whether you be man or beast!  It
was your alliance members' duty to always make sure your ego didn't get too big but
Yukon might have pushed that a bit with this gag.  The search for the FONZ's dual-
sheep was a true quest for Manager and to think he had finally achieved it only to be
the public laughing stock of Aradi didn't sit well.  Shadowgate was sure there would
be repercussions for everyone involved.
     Shadowgate was still not sure what they would fill in for Manager's Farm report
on the next couple TWiTs with Manager still fuming.  Yukon didn't seem to be too
worried but then again he could always wing it and do some prank calls to some of the
other managers.  Well, Shadowgate was only on the show to give commentary and to give
Yukon topics to speak about so he didn't worry about it too much either.  There was
always something worth talking about in Aradi.  No one could ever call Aradi boring!
Speaking of boring he had to make sure he and Yukon showed up to meet with the Judge
today.  Amazingly the Twit still wanted to go through with the deal with Yukon to
settle his suit.  Shadowgate had thought the whole being stuffed into a small keg of
beer might have made it impossible to settle this but he guessed not.  The Twit must
want everyone to know it was over so all the "random" acts of violence against him
would stop.
     While Shadowgate sat at his desk and reviewed the terrible turn he and Yukon had
last turn, he decided that the TGG's down challenge would have to be revenged before
the end of this contest.  Not only was it not very nice but it also helped Death Stud
and Soultaker.  Not that they needed much help after the last two turns but tying up
White Raven with a small point gaining fight just allowed them to get even closer.
The worst part was that Death Stud had the throne with a warrior that could sit there
a long time without getting yanked!  Someone needed to knock him off!
     Shadowgate got up and went over to Yukon's room and ask him if he was ready for
their meeting.  Yukon was hunched over his magic box playing EQ again.  Obviously he
was still trying to level up his 50th level ditch digger.
     "How is it going, Yukon?" said Shadowgate
     "Terrible!  I can't seem to get my epic item, the Golden Shovel!  Every time the
guy I need spawns, someone named R.M. keeps killing him!" said Yukon rubbing his
     "Ok, enough of your games!  We need to get ready for our meeting." said
Shadowgate looking for a clean place to sit.  There wasn't one so he just leaned up
against the door frame.
     "Ok, fine!  I will throw a cloak on and we can go!" said Yukon as got up and
grabbed the cloak.
     "Hold on there!  You need a bath!  You have been sitting and playing that game
for days!  I don't even think you realize that you next TOGS spot is due or that you
need to send in your turn orders, do you?" said Shadowgate shaking his head.
     "Crap!  I hate EQ time warps!  I haven't even looked at my new recruit yet.  I
bet he is destined for a night fight without looking at him.  If I don't get one soon
I will have to deal with only four scoring warriors.  Then again, I should be able to
do better than your five with my four...I did this turn!" said Yukon, grabbing a
towel and bar of soap.
     "Yeah, sure I didn't do too well last turn.  I need to get some challenges
through!  I will make up for it this turn." said Shadowgate as made a fast retreat
seeing Yukon begin to fill a tub to wash in.  Shadowgate still hadn't had the nerve
to ask about the whole spa thing.  It just wasn't normal....
     Once Yukon was all ready and in his dress lederhosen, they headed off to Judge's
manor house on the "good" side of the city.  When MOD bought their guild house here
in Aradi in the early days of the alliance, there wasn't much money to spend on a
better location.  Now that all of the important MOD members were now DOA members
there was no big effort put forth to getting something better.  Only Shadowgate and
Yukon lived in Aradi at the moment of the original MODster, and they where fine with
the building.  There was nothing of any value in most of the building so you didn't
have to worry about Hombre or Snotman walking off with anything of valuable.  Sure
they could roll off a keg or two but there where plenty of those.  Plus Shadowgate
had set wards on both Yukon's and his rooms and offices and anyone entering them
without permission would find themselves somewhere unpleasant!
     When Yukon and Shadowgate entered Judge's house, they had to control their
laughter on seeing Twit.  They had heard people say they turned green from being
seasick but Twit was truly green at the gills and everywhere else that could be seen.
     Twit noticed and said, "Yeah, I know...the Grey Lady's healers say that in time
the poisons will filter out of my body and I will return to a natural color.  It is
this type of thing I want to make sure stops happening.  If you pay for the bogus
pizzas that have me in debt and allow the ACLU a spot on your show and 'try' to let
everyone know that our feud is over, I will drop my suit."
     "Thiss seem more than fair when you factor in all of Twit's pain and suffering
from the last few weeks." said The Judge.
     "Yes, yes, I would agree, let's get this done!  Here is some gold from one of my
mines which will cover the pizzas.  I agree to mention that our issues are concluded
and the attempts on your life should stop.  I will also agree to allowing ONE cow
from the ACLU speak for 5 minutes on ACLU issues on a future show.  If Manager
doesn't come back to the show and the cow is good, I may allow more in the future."
said Yukon reclining in one of Judge's over stuff chairs.

The End of Shadow Signs Spot #8 to be continued in the next Shadow Signs Spot...in
other words some more stream of consciousness.

              + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Black Friars ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Buddha stood before the old barn door, the words reverberating in his head,
"Rude Buddha is in over his head."  The sounds of bickering came from behind the
door.  He could hear Rosencrantz's voice pontificating a seemingly hopeless diatribe
of conjecture and logic which only Rosencrantz could truly comprehend.  Buddha pulled
the door open and stepped into the old barn and beams of light illuminated the dust
in the air and the patches of matted hay upon the dirt floor.  The air was damp with
mold as Buddha looked upon the faces of his warriors....
     Henry broke the silence as he straightened his back and looked upon Buddha with
disdain.  "Thus we play the fools with the time, and the spirits of the wise sit in
the clouds and mock us."
     Buddha rolled his eyes, "Henry, what does that mean?"
     Rosencrantz piped up, "Life in a box is better than no life at all, I expect.
You'd have a chance, at least.  You could lie there thinking,  'Well.  At least I'm
not dead.'"
     Guidenstern, looking from Rosencrantz to Buddha, "I think I have it.  A man
talking sense to himself is no madder than a man talking nonsense not to himself."
     "Will you two shut up?!"
     "Or just as mad." Rosencrantz continued.
     Guildenstern nodded, "Or just as mad," smirking.
     Rosencrantz leered at Buddha and turned, nodding to Guildenstern knowingly, "And
he does both."
     Guildenstern smiled broadly, "So there you are," and both, in chorus, glaring at
Buddha, "Stark raving sane."
     Buddha snatched Guildenstern's spear from his hands. "Should you not be
     Guildenstern muttered defensively, "We're still finding our feet."
     Buddha jabbed the spear towards Guildenstern, "You should concentrate on not
losing your head.  Or perhaps figuring out which of you is which." Buddha looked over
the three would-be warriors, "They say we are in over our heads with this TOGS
     Henry quipped, "Generally speaking, things have gone about as far as they can
possibly go, when things have gotten about as bad as they can reasonably get."
     Sighing, Buddha muttered sarcastically, "Always a pleasure to have you around,
     Rosencrantz, in astonishment at his own near-genius held up a feather and a
wooden ball.  "Look at this.  You would think this ball would fall faster than this
feather."  And dropping them, the ball hit the ground first, with a thud.  "And you
would be absolutely right."
     "Would you please pay attention!?  The other managers think you...WE...are the
laughingstock of TOGS.  And I'm beginning to see why."
     "So shaken as we are, so wan with care," sighed Henry.
     Throwing his arms up in exasperation, Buddha demanded, "Really, Henry, what does
that mean??"
     "Past and to come seems best; things present worst."
     "Will you all please stop talking and begin practicing?" Buddha turned wearily,
as though the shouting sapped his last bit of energy, and muttered softly, "It's too
late.  I came here to help you prepare for your fights....  But off to the arena with
you.  As for me, I have a wife to avoid, Mannequin and the other TOGS managers to
hide from, and some ale to find."
     Henry, chastened by Buddha's dejected demeanor, rallied, "We are ready to try
our fortunes to the last man."
     "SHUT UP, HENRY!"

             + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ My Best Buds 2 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Candlelight flickered across the room, late in the night, the figure stood up
and walked slowly to the cabinet in the nearest corner.  He pulled open the doors and
peered at the bottles stored inside.  His eyes danced from bottle to bottle then
quickly back to the amber colored bottle they had just passed.  It was a wine served
from the tavern he owned back in his home city of Tobir.  His thoughts happened back
to that town and the challenges faced there through the years.  He began to compare
them with what he faced now.  Though very different in exact nature, the substance of
the challenges was very similar.  Back in his early days as a manager, Tobir was a
very difficult and dangerous arena to be involved in, especially for the gladiators,
especially as a young manager.  Things were quite similar here, though very different
as this was an entirely different style of battle then he had faced in the Andorian
Leagues.  He knew they were equally as difficult but at least in Andoria he was
familiar with the wages of battle.  Here the learning curve must be much quicker,
seeing as how there was a very definite time frame involved.
     Death Commander had just left for the Isle to join his manager's disciples in
battle, he had not fought in a while and felt he needed a refresher in battle such as
his trainees were facing, so he could get better perspective to instruct them.  As
well, word had just arrived from Sunset that Jade, from I Magi, had just received the 
call to the Isle.  Seeing as this was the first graduate from a team he procured from
another manager, it would be best to attend the ceremonies and give congratulations
in person.  It seemed like he had just returned from travels to Tobir and Zorpunt for
the same reason and it was right back to the road.  Doubts about being spread too
thin entered his mind, but he knew to put a good face on for his gladiators, and with
hopes of obtaining the best replacements available, it had to be clear he always
stood behind his fighters.  He sat back down in his chair at his desk and popped the
cork from the amber bottle and slid the glass close to it.
     Before him sat a copy of the flyer posted around Aradi announcing tomorrow's
"evaluation" for a new gladiator.  "This is a nightmare," Street Legal mumbled under
his breath.  He had just lost yet another warrior and the morale of the team was at a
low at this point.  Wondering if they had doubts about him, his own self doubts made
him wonder if he was sending them to their deaths.  He cocked his head to the side
and stared, as if in a trance, at the candle flame as it burned before him.  He had
to pick a new gladiator and be out of town before sundown to begin the journey to
Sunset arena.  This was going to be a long day ahead.  The decision as to which
warrior to leave the team to, as both he and Death Commander would be elsewhere, had
not even been tackled.  He lifted the glass, clinking against the bottle as it tilted
forward, and filled the glass with dark wine inside.
     Suddenly there was a loud knock on the door.  Street Legal awakened from his
near trance with a start, nearly dropping the glass and bottle from his hands.  "Who
the hell is bothering us at this late hour," he yelled.  The sound of small footsteps
cam flying down the stairs as Street Legal jumped up from his chair and headed for
the door into the hallway.  He watched the tiny figure of Jamaican Gold fly by as he
neared the hall.  He never ceased to be amazed at how nimble she was.  "I got it,"
she belted out as she flew down the hall to the front doors.  He watched down the end
of the hall as she flung the doors open.  "Uncle Ziggy," she squeaked as she wrapped
her arms around him.  "Uncle Ziggy?" Street Legal said in an inquisitive voice to
     The two walked into the guildhouse arm in arm and Jamaican Gold introduced her
Uncle Ziggy.  It was short for Zig Zag Man, his nickname.  He invited them into his
study and offered Ziggy a drink.  "No thanks, " he said, "I have to be sharp for
tomorrow's competition for your replacement."  Street Legal cocked his head to the
side and looked at the older man.  He soon learned Ziggy was Jamaican's mother's
brother.  He seemed very wise, as he knew Jamaican to be, and they talked for hours
about battle and discovered he had instructed his niece from a young age.  It seemed
almost too perfect, but soon he was thinking perhaps this stranger would be able to
look after his team for one round of battle while he and his trainer were away.
Although he indeed was a stranger, it was not as if he was just anybody off the
street but instead the uncle of one of his warriors.  Even if he was not capable of
delivering, tomorrow, what he promised he was still capable of he could at least look
after them for a few weeks.
     It was clear his young disciple had invited him here specifically to make this
team, and was pretty sure she was not the type to bring a family member to
humiliation by putting them in a situation they could not handle.  "Would you excuse
me a moment," Street Legal queried.  Ziggy nodded his head to him and he left the
room.  The older man smiled at his niece and she winked back at him.  She knew her
uncle was still more than capable in battle despite his age.  Street Legal returned
with Maui and asked if Ziggy would like to join them in the courtyard to work out a
little.  He nodded respectfully and stood up and followed behind the pair, his niece
striding giddily behind him.
     They reached the courtyard and Maui and Street Legal lit the torches that ringed
the enclosure and he brought out the weapon that Ziggy had requested.  Maui grabbed a
shield and began to circle as Ziggy took his fighting stance.  Immediately launching
several playful, yet surprisingly quick, attacks to open up.  Maui was confident and
briefly looked to Street Legal and tilted her head in question.  As she turned her
head back, a mere split second, she was staring directly into the point of Ziggy's
scimitar.  She blinked in surprise and as she did she was hit quickly by a blow to
her leg, with the blunted blade, that took her off her feet.  She pulled herself to
her feet and determined that would not happen again, but it did again and again.
Finally she dropped the shield and went over to sit on one of the benches.  Though
she did manage to avoid a good many attacks it was clear that this guy had some true
     Street Legal sent Maui for his messenger and asked Ziggy and his niece to join
him back in the study.  He again offered a drink to Ziggy, but this time when he
refused Street Legal was ready.  "You need not worry about being sharp for tomorrow,"
he paused, "Because I have decided to cancel the competition and bring you on as my
fifth.  In fact I would like to ask you to watch over the team until I return, it
will only be about a week.  That is, if you will accept."  Ziggy paused, smiled, and
spoke out, "I would be honored.  And I assure you I will look after the others as I
would my niece in your absence.  I'm sure you must be a little uneasy to leave a team
without your attention mid-contest but I will do everything to keep them safe and
successful."  The manager nodded in response to this and handed Ziggy a glass of wine
and they toasted.
     The rest of the team entered the study as did the messenger shortly after.
Street Legal sent his messenger to the taverns to announce that his search had been
terminated.  He also explained to his team who the older man with the long flowing
hair, earring, and wearing a strange bit of headwear (something like a bandanna) was.
He then excused himself to bed, in preparation for tomorrow's journey.  The team sat
up until near sunrise getting to know the uncle of their teammate, in fact their
newest teammate ZIG ZAG MAN.

           + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Smokey Delta Nights ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Elephant was surprised to find to find Indimar at the Scrod Shoppe when he
arrived to open up.  It was not his Sunday to work and the big slacker was definitely
not in the habit of coming in on his days off.  He found it all the more unusual in
light of the fact that Indimar had traveled out to the bayou country to hang with
Barnabas and some of his new alliance cronies and to do some gambling.  He was about
to ask Indimar if he had lost his ass the night before when he got a closer look at
his partner and the words died on his lips.
     "What the hell happened to you?" demanded Elephant.  "You really look like crap.
Are those the same clothes you were wearing yesterday?" he asked as he looked Indimar
up and down.  And what a sight he was to behold.
     Indimar sat hunched over the table staring off into space.  His clothes were
rumpled and covered in stains that looked to be a combination of moss, pond scum, and
some really nasty smelling mud.  His legs were covered in this same putrid guck up to
the knees.  His jacket was torn in so many places Elephant could not figure out how
it was still in one piece.  The right sleeve was missing all the way to the shoulder
and Indimar's exposed arm was a mass of scratches and dried blood.  His face had not
fared any better in whatever ordeal he had been through.  His cheeks were covered in
scratches that mirrored those on his arm, mottled patches spoke of bruises that would
be spectacular when they reached maturity, and there was a particularly painful
looking gash on his chin.  But it was eyes that chilled Elephant right to the bone.
     He had never seen eyes like that in his life.  It was not the big dark circles
under each eye or even the red, raw rims that made him recoil in horror when he first
met Indimar's gaze.  It was the haunted look he saw there that turned his bowels to
water.  They were the eyes of an animal that had been hunted to the point of terror,
eyes that had seen death stretching out its icy hand, eyes that looked into a soul
that had known utter despair.
     Yet even as Elephant looked on some of the terror seemed to fade from Indimar's
eyes.  Tension seemed to drain out of him as slumped back in his chair with a deep
sigh.  He sat blinking for a few seconds then looked up at Elephant with a start.
His arms jerked up as if to ward off a blow and the terror started to return to his
eyes until he realized who was standing there.
     "You scared me out of my wits," said Indimar as he clutched his hand to his
chest and tried to calm his breathing.  "You should know better than to go around
sneaking up on people like that."
     "I've been standing here trying to talk to you for five minutes," Elephant
informed him.  "It's not my fault I startled you when you snapped out of your trance.
But now that you've rejoined me in this reality maybe you can answer my question.
What the hell happened to you?  It looks like your night included more than just
shooting dice with Barnabas."
     "I'm still trying to put it all together myself," Indimar told him.  "It's all
just a mish-mosh of images and sound.  And the fear.  Fear like I have never felt in
all my life."
     Remembering the fear he felt seemed to drive Indimar back inside himself.  After
a few minutes he shuddered and seemed to shake loose of his horrible memory once
again.  He sat up straighter in his chair and reached for the Scrodbucks Doubleshot
that was sitting on the table.  He popped the top and downed the entire contents of
the can in one big gulp.
     "Let me collect my thoughts for a minute and then I'll try to put it into words
for you.  I don't know...I'm still pretty shook up," Indimar said as he picked a
rather large cocklebur out of his hair."  You would be to if you had just spent half
the night running for your life.  Tell me, Elephant, have you ever heard of the giant
demon muskrat of Scrodplant Slough?"

Be sure to join us next turn here at Winghove to hear about Indimar's flight for his

+ + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Wimpy's Further Adventures in TOGSLAND ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Once again Wimpy was sitting in his office staring at a blank piece of
parchment.  Not only was the parchment blank, so was Wimpy's mind.  That is not to
say that this was an unusual situation as far as Wimpy's mind was concerned.  But in
this case it was critical.  The deadline was here for spotlights and he had done
nothing and had no idea what to write.  Wimpy at last decided that he had to call in
someone to help.  Someone with at least half a brain, which left out all the wimpy
fighters and most of the people Wimpy knew in Aradi.  In fact he couldn't offhand
even think of one manager that would fit the bill.
     Suddenly Wimpy was shaken out of his stupor when he heard a loud knocking at the
front door.  Actually it wasn't a knocking, it was more of a honking.  Wimpy sat bolt
upright and listened.  There it was again:  "Honk, honk.  Honk, honk."  Since it was
so late at night that Festor and all the Wimps had retired, Wimpy decided to answer
the door himself.  As he approached the door he heard it again, only much louder:
"HONK, HONK.  HONK, HONK."  Wimpy quickly opened the door so all this honking would
not wake the dead or his fighters, who needed all the rest they could get.  Wimpy
looked into the darkness and saw no one standing there.  Wimpy was puzzled until he
heard it again:  "HONK, HONK," coming from down on the front steps.  Wimpy looked
down and there he beheld the gray goose from TOGS III.  This was the same goose that
Manager had tried to steal to take out his liver.  As some readers might recall, the
Linguini of Love saved the goose.  (Which will not be brought into this story or
future stories unless demanded by the readers.)
     Wimpy was flabbergasted.  All he could do was to mutter, "By Jove, what the heck
are you doing here.  The last I heard you were dead."
     "As you can plainly see, I am not dead." replied the goose.  "I am quite well
and ready spend some time helping you and your Wimps win the TOGS.  What gave you the
idea I was dead?"
     "Come on in," invited Wimpy, "and I'll tell you all about it."
     The gray goose entered and Wimpy lead the way into his office.  Once they had
settled into chairs, the goose asked again, "How did you get the idea I was dead?"
     "A few months ago," Wimpy replied, "I met a man in the market who was asking for
directions.  He said he had been asked to go tell Aunt Rhody that the old gray goose
was dead."
     "Well I'll be darned," commented the goose, "I may be old and I may be gray, but
I am not yet dead.  It must have some other Old Gray Goose since I have never heard
of Aunt Rhody."
     "The man who told me you were dead, also told me that he was also going to tell
Aunt Rhody that you had died in the millpond."
     "I am not dead," fumed the goose, "I am alive and kicking.  So tell me, how are
you doing in the TOGS?"
     "Not well." replied Wimpy.
     "How bad is it.  It couldn't be as bad as the last TOGS could it?" asked the
     "I'll tell you how bad it is.  How about 3-12 in the last three rounds?  How
does that sound to you?"
     "Oh boy," exclaimed the goose, "that is bad.  How about if I fly around town,
goose a few people and see what I can find out?  You don't object to a little spying
do you?"
     "Not in the least," Wimpy replied, "but I must warn you that you will find if
you go around goosing people here in Aradi, you will make a lot of very, and I mean
very, close friends."
     "Then we are agreed," said the goose, "I'll start in the morning."
     And with that agreed both the goose and Wimpy went of to sleep, Wimpy to his bed
room and the goose to the goose roost.  (Try saying that fast several times.)

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                Yukon's T@%$ Spotlight #8 This Week in T@#$ part IIX

Yukon:  Hello everyone and welcome to "This Week in T@#$".  This is your host Yukon
along with his co-host Shadowgate.
Shadowgate:  Hello everyone.
Yukon:  And this is your show about the T@#$ contest going on here in Aradi.  I know
that for the last few weeks this show has been more about the face and making fun of
Manalger, but this week it's back to business.
Shadowgate:  And how is the whole "Manalger" thing going?
Yukon:  Full of rage, that man is.  I've had two sleds blow up this last week.  No
one can trace where the bombs are coming from, but I know it's Manalger.  I'm having
my replacement warriors go out and start my sled before I go anywhere, but one of
these turns I may actually get guy worth fighting and then what am I going to do?
Shadowgate:  Not sure.  I heard he put a sheep head in Snotman's bed while he was
Yukon:  He did, but Snotman liked it.  He just thought he got a visit from the
"sheep's head" fairy.  They found him after a few hours later spooning with the sheep
head, fast asleep.  Now let's get back to T@#$.  How are we doing?
Shadowgate:  The BOB has tied us for first place.
Yukon:  Bob who?
Shadowgate:  Not Bob who, BOB whom.  Rillion and The Greek Guy.
Yukon:  But what about Bob?
Shadowgate:  You don't understand.  BOB is the alliance that Rillion and the Greek
Guy are in.
Yukon:  They named their alliance after some guy named Bob?  I can see naming an
alliance after a hot chick in tight orange shorts that brings you beer and chicken
wings.  We've all been there, right?  But to name your alliance after some guy named
Bob?  What was he, the fry cook at Denny's or something?
Shadowgate:  They didn't name it after a guy named Bob.
Yukon:  Then are all their first names Bob or something?  I think Rillion's first
name is Robert, which can be shortened to Bob, I suppose.  But how do you get "Bob"
out of "The Greek Guy".  Maybe he likes the other members of the alliance to "bob"
for things in front of him.  I would never "bob" for anything while there was a Greek
behind me, but....
Shadowgate:  BOB stands for Brotherhood of the Blade.
Yukon:  Oh...then why are we talking about a guy named Bob?
Shadowgate:  WE aren't.  You are.  Anyway then are now tied for first.
Yukon:  How bad does your team suck then?
Shadowgate:  Hey, you are the one who is only playing with 4 guys for the last three
Yukon:  And I'm still getting more points than you.  Hell, Zylleix's Shade is 1 and
6.  Some of my replacements could have done better than that.
Shadowgate:  We should be worried about Bob and not about my crappy guys.
Yukon:  What about Bob?
Shadowgate:  We have to do something to slow them down.  Maybe challenge all of their
guys or something.
Yukon:  Or buy the Denny's he works at and then fire him....
Shadowgate:  Good grief.  We need to do the farm report, sponsored by Nuln's Hairy
Nipple warmers. So , am I doing this or did you get someone new?
Yukon:  We are going to do some on air tryouts.  This week it's Ghoti.
Ghoti:  Hello everyone.
Shadowgate: Hello Ghoti, go ahead with the farm report.
Ghoti:  Ok.  This is Ghoti.
Shadowgate:  We got that already...move on....
Ghoti:  Oh, ok.  Well the farm report is brought to you by...by...who is sponsoring
it again?
Shadowgate: ...Nuln's Hairy Nipple Warmers....
Ghoti:  Icky.  Who would want to buy those?
Shadowgate:  Our listeners, now keep going....
Ghoti:  Yeah, right.  Ok I went out to a few farms this week and not much really
happening.  Lots of corn, and stuff, growing.  A few animals were walking around but
they all ran away from me when I tried to interview them.  That's about it.
Yukon:  Great job Ghoti.  You're hired.
Shadowgate:  What?  That stunk....
Yukon:  Shhh!
Ghoti:  Really?  Thanks, Yukon.  Do you want some Ball Gravy?
Yukon:  Not right now, before we talk about salary can you do me a quick favor and
run out and start my sled.  I have to leave right after the show.
Ghoti:  No problem.  Be right back....
Shadowgate:  What the hell are you doing?  That was the worst farm report that we
ever had here on TWIT.  You can't hire him to do it every week.
Yukon:  Wait for it....
IN BACKGROUND:  BOOM!....Splat!  Splat!  Splat!
Shadowgate:  What was that?
Yukon:  The sound of my sled blowing up followed by the sound of Ghoti parts hitting
the window.  Crap!  Where am I going to get another one?
Shadowgate:  Another farm reporter?
Yukon:  No.  Sled.  Ok folks, that does it for this week's TWIT episode.
Shadowgate:  Yes and next week we can go over what we did about BOB.
Yukon:  What about Bob?  And can I get a ride home?

     + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Lurocians Reloaded:  Part VIII ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     I sat down in the chair and Sandeous sat down in a chair beside me.
     "Hey Geo, my name's Rillion." a guy said and he got up out of his chair.
     "Nice to meet you.  So what were you just doing?" I questioned.
     "Oh, I was fighting in the simulation program." he replied.
     Evidently my quizzical look made him expand his answer.
     "That is, I was fighting against another person in a fake world we control.  We
use it to increase our skills and learn new fighting styles." he said.
     "Is that what I'm going to do?" I asked.
     "Yes." Sandeous replied.
     With that Rillion walked up behind Sandeous and plugged a black cord into the
back of her neck.  She shut her eyes and lay still.
     "Now it's your turn.  Sandeous will be waiting for you." he said.
     All went dark as he plugged the cord into my neck and then there was an
explosion of light so intense I found myself covering my eyes.  After a second, my
eyes adjusted and I was amazed at what I saw.  I was standing in the middle of the
arena in Aradi.  But it couldn't be Aradi because no one else was around.  No other
gladiators training, no one milling around the seats.  There was just me and
Sandeous.  But even that was weird.  She was now wearing a shimmering helm and some
magnificent looking plate armor.  She also was holding a scimitar in her hand.  I
then realized my clothes weren't quite the same either.  I was now wearing some gold
plated scalemail armor and a full helm on my head.
     "What weapon do you want?" Sandeous asked.
     "Um, well I always like longswords." I replied.
     My waist felt heavier all the sudden and when I looked down I now had a
longsword thrust into my waistband.
     "Ok, this is too cool." I said  "Can they just give me any weapon I want?" I
     "Sure, just say it out loud and it will appear." she replied.
     All right I thought let's give it a try.
     "Scimitar." I yelled, probably louder than I needed to.
     In an instant it was also tucked into my waistband.  I was amazed.
     "So what now?" I asked.
     "Well, before we begin you need to learn a few things.  Rillion, run him through
the sim program for lunger, slasher, basher, aimed blow, total parry, parry riposte,
striker, parry strike, parry lunge, and wall of steel." she said.
     Suddenly my head was on fire.  Thoughts flowed through my mind.  Techniques of
fighting I've never known or seen.  It was like reading a thousand manuals but I
could feel myself doing every move in my head.  I was dodging, parrying, thrusting.
It was incredible.  It seemed to last for days but later I found out it was only
minutes.  I awoke standing in the arena and breathed a big sigh.
     "I know all the fighting styles." I said.
     Sandeous smiled and lifted her scimitar.
     "Show me then." she said.
     She then held her scimitar overhead and rushed towards me.

To Be Continued

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
TOGS Wars: Chapter Eighty Nine Thousand Two Hundred Sixty Five - A TOGS Hope (Part 7)
                                     By Rillion

The Waters South of Aradi:
     As the FrothingDeathStar speeds towards Aradi to destroy all FONZ opposition in
the Tournament of the Golden Scrod, a valiant band of rebels swiftly and silently
approaches the ship in X-Oar Rowboats.  Fortunately a low sitting fog covered the
oceans that day and the X-Oar Rowboats were able to approach close to the ponderous
FrothingDeathStar before being seen.  As they came within sight of the
FrothingDeathStar, the FONZTroopers inside rushed to defend the nigh-impregnable
battle ship.  Volley after volley of ballista bolts rained down upon the rebel X-Oar
Rowboats.  WedgeOneDawg called out to Rillion VodkaDrinker, "I'll take Yukon to the
entry point, you take your squad around the other side and draw off some of this

Inside the FrothingDeathStar:
     A FONZTrooper waited nervously outside DeathStud's chamber after knocking on the
door.  The door opened and the FONZTrooper waited for DeathStud to appear.  After a
minute the FONZTrooper almost jumped out of his jackboots when he heard an angry
'cough' and looked down to see that DeathStud had been standing in the doorway the
entire time.  "My apologies Lord DeathStud, but I must inform you that the
FrothingDeathStar is under attack.  Rebels have been sighted off the stern.  Our
defenses have been deployed and we expect we will crush the rebel attack any moment
     "Very well, bring me my Ganolus so that I may personally join the battle,"
replied DeathStud as he adjusted his helmet.
     "Sorry Lord DeathStud, but your Ganolus has gone missing.  There was a report of
a burnout in his chambers and he has not been seen since." replied the nervous
FONZTrooper.  Glare reflected off of eyes of DeathStud's helmet as he looked up at
the FONZTrooper.  Suddenly the FONZTrooper desperately tried to grab his nose and
stop breathing but it was too late.  The noxious gas that DeathStud released had
already overwhelmed the FONZTrooper's olfactory glands and he dropped to the ground

Back Outside:

     WedgeOneDawg's X-Oar Rowboat cut through the waves speeding towards the pipe
access valve on the port side of the FrothingDeathStar.  Just as the X-Oar Rowboat
neared the access valve, a large ball of flame shot down from the deck of
FrothingDeathStar catching the smaller craft of fire.  WedgeOneDawg worked the oars
desperately trying to save his burning craft but it was doomed.  He yelled for help
and was able to back the boat far enough away to unload Yukon onto another X-Oar
Rowboat before he and his craft sank.  Red Rude Buddha Five, now in possession of
Yukon BottomlessBeerHole, started his run towards the valve.  Meanwhile Rillion and
his squad of X-Oar Rowboats had circled around the FrothingDeathStar and moved to
cover Red Rude Buddha Five.  Up on deck DeathStud waited, his light match in hand, to
defend the FrothingDeathStar.  As Red Rude Buddha Five approached another flaming
cloud of gas burst over his X-Oar Rowboat.  Rillion VodkaDrinker took one last sip
from his flask then tossed it over board.  He knew it was going to be too dangerous
to keep any flammable objects as he made his approach.  He was able to rescue the
struggling Yukon who was desperately spitting out water, "Argh, this isn't beer at
all and it's really salty!"  Rillion hauled Yukon up onto the X-Oar Rowboat.
     Up on the FrothingDeathStar, DeathStud stood holding his match and looking back
through his legs at the approaching X-Oar.  Just then the match went out.  "The
midimajigers are strong in this one," he mumbled as he pulled out another 'strike
anywhere'.  A large fireball exploded towards the X-Oar Rowboat but at the last
second a large ship sliced through the water, cutting in between the two ships.  The
fireball started a few small fires on the Centennial Swallow, but the ship was able
to withstand the blast.  A second later it bumped against the side of the
FrothingDeathStar and the collision caused a stunned DeathStud to go spinning off the
side of the vessel into the water below.
     "Go get 'em, kid," yelled The Greek Guy from the helm of the Centennial Swallow
as he guided his slightly damaged craft away from the FrothingDeathStar.  Rillion
quickly used the opening to get alongside the FrothingDeathStar and shove Yukon into
the pipe access valve.  He then quickly rowed away as Yukon went to work draining the
beer filled ballast tanks.  A large plume of water shot up into the air as the
FrothingDeathStar sank to the bottom of the ocean.

Here Ends TOGS Wars:  Chapter Eighty Nine Thousand Two Hundred Sixty Five -- A TOGS
Hope.  Stay tuned next week for, TOGS Wars:  Chapter Eighty Nine Thousand Two Hundred
Sixty Five plus One -- The FONZ Strikes Back!

        + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Anti-Journal, Part 3 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Well journal, despite our best efforts somehow Snotsy and me are not in last
place yet.  We've challenged each other's warriors, avoided on every line to get the
negative points and even punished those who won their fights by making them read
transcripts of recent DOA club meetings...but somehow some teams are still below us!
     My theory is that aliens have stolen those managers away for Gang Probe-A-Mania
2K4 and replaced em with large, semi-sentient vegetables that sorta look like the
originals, like how Nuln has kinda engaged in personal bathing....
     But Snottery says that it's a case amateur losers trying to keep up with the
pros...just too hard to do.  I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not, but then
I'm not even sure how many rounds the TOGS is or even who the top three teams are.
Hell, I just hope this journal is delivered to the right arena newsletter!
     But like anyway, here are some of my observations of the last turn or so in
     - Armalias is actually pretty cool for sticking with his style and not copping
out to more farm animal episodes.  Yep, epic battles and gerbil uprisings...dems
classic literature, written by true intellectuals.  Yep.
     - This TOGS thing has caused some strain amongst even the FONZ non-alliance
mates.  I'm pretty sure I heard Granolous tell Hombre that yes, those jeans DID make
his butt look big...but maybe I was just hearing things.
     - 0-5 last turn.  Nice to see my managerial style of "writing down numbers real
quick in whatever available slot so my brain stops hurting" is working out.  SIGH.
     - If you think about it, Snotman is kinda the Janet Jackson of the TOGS this
time.  Not that I need even MORE comparisons to Justin Timberlake in my life.
And...hmmm...this line of thought is gross...I'm going to drop it.  Get it, drop it?
Ha ha huh...uh yeah I'll stop.
     - While Judge was knifing me in the alley last week he demanded an apology for
calling him a drama queen and saying he overreacted, then ran off crying when all I
could do was gurgle up blood bubbles.
     - I can't believe I'm still doing spotlights when DeGotti has a better chance of
finishing a coloring book without eating the green crayons than my team has of
winning...but what can ya do?
     - Rumors of a quickie marriage between a drunk Nuln and an even drunker bag of
pork rinds are totally false...20/20 will have the first broadcast interview of Nuln
since this alleged run to the altar.
     Well like maybe this turn I can do better...by which I mean win a fight.  And
maybe my team can jump ahead in the points and finish out at the top of the middle of
the pack.  And maybe Snotster and I can finally garner some respect as a team.
     And maybe Barnabas is happy he joined the FONZ.  Yeah right.
     'Til next time journal,

              + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Five Spheres ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                Nulnita resplendent!

     El Hombre was sitting at his desk, re-lacing his scrod-piece and humming a
little song when his bumbling and inept sergeant burst into the room.
     "Hombre, I can't go on!" he sobbed.  "I can't give up on love for the sake of
duty, twice!"
     El Hombre sat up in his chair and asked his shaken friend what he meant.
     "I can't keep acting as your deputy when I feel this love welling up in me.  I
have to resign and leave you to pursue Guardianna.  I can't let her get away, like
     "You're leaving me in a terrible position", Hombre said, "but I understand."  He
stood and shook hands with his bumbling side-kick.  "Pursue your love, make her your
     Meanwhile, on an ocean-going ferry:
     Nulnita stared at the waves in the moonlight.  She dreamed of the first time
that she'd seen Don Sentinel riding his magnificent rooster, Toronado, through the
desert night.  She dreamed of that one magic night when Don Sentinel had been hers
and hers alone.  That night when she'd ridden on his...rooster...and loved him as
only a hairy-lipped woman can.
     She wasn't alone as she stood by the rail.  Voyde, a mariachi of amazing
passion, stood with her and slowly strummed a ballad.
     "Nulnita, my blossom, we will be in Aradi in the morning.  Are you prepared to
face this love of yours?  This Don Sentinel may not change his mind.  This fool, he
may reject you again."
     Nulnita sighed, <sigh>, but didn't answer.
     Further down the rail an elegant figure had overheard their conversation and
stepped forward to introduce himself.
     "Pardon me, travelers.  I am Armailis, Duque D'Elfhame."  He bowed with a
flourish.  "I also travel to Aradi and would offer my services.  If you should need
me, please think nothing of asking."
     The mariachi and dancer thanked the Duque and offered their services in return.
     At that time in the cantina, the floor show was just beginning.
     The candles provided the mood lighting as Pepe the Troll played his tambourine.
The crowd had gathered for what was rumored to be a fantastic show.  Guardianna
hadn't danced yet and the whole city was there to watch.
     Guardianna started her number with a familiar refrain:
     "R - E - S - P - E - C - T, don't you know that I've TC'd?"
     Gyrating around, she waved her massive hips at the crowd and made semi-lewd
gestures with her tongue.
     Unable to control himself, Ganolus, the former sergeant, leapt to his feet and
joined the dance.  They twisted and turned around each other as Guardianna sang the
rest of her verses.
     As the massive mound of singing woman finished her last stanza, Ganolus grabbed
her bustier and ripped it from her flabby upper body.
     The crowd was dumbfounded as Guardianna's sweaty, saggy bosom flopped around in
front of them.  The candle-light glinted off her golden scrod-head nipple piercing.
She quickly covered herself and glared and Ganolus in rage.
     "I'm incensed!" Pretty Pandora stood and shook her fist at the stage.  "How dare
you expose my aged and senile husband to such filth!"  She helped Soultaker to his
walker and they left the cantina.
     Early the next morning the ferry arrived at Aradi.
     Nulnita staggered down the gang-plank, carrying her and Voyde's suitcases.
Voyde strolled after her, thoughtfully plucking at his guitar.
     "Voyde, do I have to carry everything for both of us?"
     "Nulnita, my beauty, you cannot expect an artist such as myself to do every
little thing.  I cannot compose and carry bags (let alone win fights for the team).
You must do as you have, my sweet."
     As they reached the bottom of the plank they heard Nulnita's name called by many
voices.  Dropping her burden she turned and saw that they entire ship's compliment
had come to see her off.  With tears in their eyes they waved and blew her kisses.
     "How can a girl resist all those cute sailors?" she asked, under her breath.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
              -----     -----    Soultaker    -----     -----     -----

     Soultaker, fearing for the safety of his new non-alliance alliance-mate, burst
into a run towards the dilapidated hovel (well, as much of a run as he was able to
generate).  As he drew close, the smoke seemed to grow thicker as it poured out of
the open window.  All Soultaker could think of was Barnabas lying injured as the
building burned around him.  Just as he reached the shabby porch, Soultaker heard
voices coming from the shack.  These were not the voices of someone in trouble, but
more like the sounds of a party.  Soultaker somehow was able to stop his forward
momentum before he stepped up on the porch.  As he stood there trying to catch his
breath, he was able to tell that there were numerous people in the building.  Not
quite able to tell what was being said, Soultaker eased up on the porch and towards
the window.  Soultaker was only wanting to be sure that Barnabas was safe (well, that
is want he told himself).
     The voices were much clearer now.  Soultaker was able to recognize the voices of
Barnabas, Pip, Rillion, and one he was not sure of.  Resting his back against the
wall, Soultaker was able to hearing the conversation going on within.
     "You have done very well, my brother," Rillion exclaimed.  "I never thought you
would be able to worm your way into the FONZ so quickly."
     "It sort of fell in my lap.  I know it was because of the previous success I had
in the tourneys paved the way.  Thanks to the brotherhood for the warriors and
strategies," Barnabas replied.  "I can't take any of the credit since Pip was the one
that told me how to work them up and how to make them fight."
     "No need to thank me.  It accomplished what we were trying for.  In my case it
was easy to get into the CDC, they were starving for anyone that would sit with them.
I can now glean all the info and work from within to destroy them."  Pip bragged as
he wrung his hands together.
     "Let's not get carried away here.  We have all worked hard to infiltrate these
pitiful alliances.  We will become the biggest and best.  Rio Vista will destroy all
others," Rillion almost screamed as he reached a fevered pitch.
     "YO, YO!"  Their voices all chimed in together.
     "I still haven't been picked up yet."  The unknown person chipped in.  Soultaker
was sure he had heard the voice before but still could not put a name to it.
     "Don't get impatient, you continue to have success in the TOGS and elsewhere one
of the ones we are trying to ruin will enlist you." Rillion explained.
     "Yea, I can promise you if you finish high in the TOGS and have good tourney
showings, the DOA will be beating down your door.  They are only interested in what
you can do to make them look better," Pip added.
     "I understand.  I also was wondering about my partner in the TOGS.  Do you think
we should invite him in to our brotherhood," the familiar voice asked.
     "No, not yet.  We don't what this to become to unmanageable.  I am sure we will
be able to draw a few others from the alliances once we are ready to make a move,"
Rillion explained.
     Soultaker was stunned.  Here was one of his own non-alliance alliance-mates
planning the demise of the beloved FONZ.  He did not care about the other groups,
they were all second-rate anyway.  Just as Soultaker was about to sneak a look in the
window he was assailed by a smell that almost made him dump his last meal.  Through
watery eyes, Soultaker looked around him to find were the reeking smell was coming
from.  Just as his water soaked eyes fell on the mangy dog lying on the couch, he
heard a deep hissing sound of gas being released from the hideous cur.  The dog had
rolled on his back and had curled his body trying to reach around to his own
backside.  Once the dog had reached his goal, his lips curled up in a snarl and began
a low growl at the offensive odor.  Soultaker was struggling hard to keep from
throwing up.  In his struggles to maintain what food he had in his body, Soultaker
noticed what Barnabas had been feeding the dog.  In one bowl it looked to be the
remains of burnt chili and the other bowl had a small amount of liquid.  Around the
bowl was a stack of empty slim-fast cans.  With effort, Soultaker was able to keep
from retching and forced himself to look in the window, at least to try and find out
the mystery voice.
     Soultaker was sure he could never be surprised at what he might see in Aradi,
but the sight before him was pushing the limits.  In the middle of the room, the four
managers sat cross-legged in their underwear and ram horn helmets.  Soultaker knew he
had heard that voice before, it belonged to Indimar.  They seemed to be chanting and
praising a carved effigy of a sheep.  They were also passing a large tube between
themselves.  In turn they would take the tube and pass it over the craving and then
suck on one end while covering the other end with their hand.  Just as the others
would chant "Yo Yo", the one with the tube would remove his hand and suck in a huge
gulp of smoke.  The tube would then be passed to the next and the same ritual would
happen.  On the next "YO YO" the previous one would expel the smoke and respond in a
high pitched voice.  The chanting was starting to slow down when Soultaker noticed
movement across the room.  Tied to end of a wooden bed was a sheep all brushed out
and adorned with flowers.
     With a loud chant the conclave of managers ended their chant and started to
rise.  Soultaker decided now was not the time to welcome Barnabas and moved quickly
away.  As he headed off he heard them cry out, "all praise the Yo Yo brotherhood of
the shepherds."

           + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Snotman at the Face ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Snotman surveyed the miniature carriage, pulled by Shetland ponies.  It was
going to be pretty embarrassing pulling up at the face in tiny carriage but it was
more comfortable than having to sit on phone books in a regular carriage.  He
motioned Lord of the O Rings over, "I think that this is going to work out just fine.
Where did you find such a small carriage?"
     Lord of the O Rings grinned, "I just popped by Death Stud's guildhouse and sure
enough he had the inside scoop on where to find ponies and small carriages."
     Snotman grinned, "I knew there was a reason why I promoted you to team captain."
     Lord of the O Rings smirked, "Because I'm the only warrior on your team with a
decent record.  And the only one that you'd even think about continuing on with in
     Snotman frowned, "Don't get uppity.  At least Nappy D is paying his arena fees
right now.  What have you got with your lovely record?  No political points and
pretty weak TOGS points."
     Lord of the O Rings scowled, "Sure Nappy is paying is fees, but with Destitute
Noble bloodfeuding him for the next four turns he isn't going to scoring any TOGS
points.  I warned that dumb ass to be careful when I saw he was matched up with a
non-TOGS warrior.  A basher at that."
     "Maybe Destitute Noble will only bloodfeud him once.  We both know that there is
no way Nappy D can beat Rattlesnake Shake."
     "So the best you can hope for is only one turn with no TOGS points.  Still a
pretty crappy turn of events."
     Snotman smiled, "Keep everybody training hard while I'm gone.  I'm gonna go take
the real warriors off to the tourney."
     Lord of the O Rings snapped back, "I've seen your tourney roster.  How many of
those guys are actually timed?  I'll eat my hat...or even worse I'll eat one of
Hombre's nasty scrod dogs if you capture more than 4 TV's with that drek."
     Snotman's face drooped, "I hate to say it, but you are right.  The crap I have
is all mistimed.  I might be able to get two in the champs and 2 out of all of the
rest of them but I'm not going to take that bet."

Later, in the mythical land of Arizona, before the start of the tourney...

     Snotman hoisted his 7&7, "Man I'm having a great time.  This is the way the
tourney should be.  It's all about seeing good friends and getting a chance to hang
out.  I'm just gonna run 30 guys so I have lots of time."
     Rillion quaffed the last of his beer, "I don't know who you're going to be
hanging out with, I plan on being pretty busy during the run-offs."
     The Greek Guy laughed, "Yeah, now that we've joined the BOB we have TV quotas.
I brought all of my best guys this tourney."
     Snotman grinned, "So, I guess you'll have lots of free time to hang out with me,
     Before TGG could answer, Yukon plopped down next to him, the chair straining
under his considerable girth.  He pulled out a handkerchief and wiped the sweat off
his forehead, "Man, I'm starting to rethink this DOA thing.  Sure, they told me that
they could make me a better manager, but I'm not sure it's worth it.  Manager made me
carry all his tourney stuff up to his skybox.  And I don't just mean his binders and
laptop, I mean all his warriors.  There I was giving piggy back rides to morons in
plate.  I swear that half this sweat is actually drool!"
     Snotman carefully slipped off the seat pillow he'd borrowed from Death Stud,
stretching his toes to reach the ground, "I'm heading up to the bar, you want
     Yukon rubbed his throat, "I do seem to be feeling a dry, scratchy sensation in
my throat.  Could there be a mythical ambrosia that could cure this?"
     Snotman glared, "We all know that you want a damn beer.  What kind do you want?"
     Yukon waved his hand, "Whatever they got...and better make it two!"

Sunday at the tourney...

     Sandy, Puller of Ponytails and caller of tourney classes, bellowed, "206, 207,
     Snotman glanced at the pile of papers in front of him, "Crap, I'm reading 206
and I don't even have 208 yet, WAIT!  Hold them all!"
     Sandy glared at Snotman, the heat of her fury palpable from across the room,
"You better get them in quick, everybody is waiting for you!"
     Snotman tried to ignore it as every eye in the room turned towards him and
muttered under his breath, "It's the damn stubby legs.  I don't know how Death Stud
does it.  It takes me five minutes to walk to up the front to turn in my strategies!"
     Barnabas caught Snotman's attention from across the table, "So, how many you got
     Snotman replied without looking up, "I don't know, six or seven.  It's hard to
keep count when I'm always behind.  I'm doing pretty well considering what I

Later after the tourney...

     Snotman grinned, "9 TV's, one was final three and one was final four.  Oh yeah,
and a bloodgames victor.  Pretty sweet tourney."

Week after the tourney...

     Snotman looked at his FONZ chums hanging out in the FONZ clubhouse, "10 TV's.  I
think that is my highest total ever.  But almost as sweet was my first TV with a
parry-strike...ever.  That's all 10 styles for me now.  And my first TV in basic with
a PL.  All around a great tourney!"


     Snotman broadcast his message across the ether, "I don't know whether to be
embarrassed 'cause I can't count or proud of myself, but I actually had 11 TV's at
the face, not 10.  I ran 42 warriors or so, so that is over 25% TV's.  Damn, I have
to run more 8 FE inits and 26 FE champs at the next tourney."

This spotlight has been brought to you by the letter "suck" and the number "ass".

                 + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ R.J.G. ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Life was dark and dank.  The entire world seemed overtaken by cold, damp
darkness.  From somewhere behind his eyes, a sharp pain shot through these initial
sensations.  With a barely audible groan, he rolled over on his back.  He knew he
wasn't dead, but whether that was good thing remained to be seen.
     If not for the scurry of the vermin within his small cell,  Mikal would have
been completely alone.  Although the rodents and insects concerned him, he knew that
the damp and cold were his worst enemies.  With deliberate care he rose to his knees,
and his head brushed against a hard stone surface.  Stretching his hands out to
either side he could easily touch both sides of his prison.  A wave of despair nearly
made him lose consciousness.  Then he nearly laughed as an old poem came to mind.

     In the blackest pit of life's distress
     Where evil dwells and battles rage
     There hatred reigns within the realms
     Of mental anguish a flimsy cage
Held in check by slender threads
Bound in chains of twisted reason
Flames that flicker in the soul
This burning torch will have its season
     At last unleashed the fury screams
     Its torture fuel that feeds the same
     Exploding now within the mind
     That once contained a flickering flame
Driven on to heinous deeds
The soul no longer wants or cares
But looks to inflict pain on others
Innocent beings caught unawares
     Thus another pit is formed
     Where evil dwells and battles rage
     Another soul befouled by anguish
     Another twisted flimsy cage

     With a grim hope he fell into a fitful sleep.  After what seemed like an
eternity, the rattle of metal woke him and the door swung open.  Bright light like a
thousand suns burst into the room, but Mikal still tried to see what was coming.
Freezing cold water drenched his body as his jailers laughed at him.  Strong rough
hands grabbed his arms tied them firmly behind his back.  The ropes dug into his
flesh and his sinews strained from the rough handling.
     As his eyes adjusted to the torchlight, he could see that there were five other
prisoners with him.  The guards tied them all together in a line and continued down
the row of cells.  After gathering four more unfortunate souls, they marched them all
down a long hallway and into a large room.  In the center of the room, a blacksmith
was fitting a slaves collar to a frightened young boy.  They were quickly lined up
behind the boy and the blacksmith began fitting collars to them as well.  The boy let
out a scream as a slaves brand was burnt into his left shoulder.
     Mikal faced his fate with as much dignity as he could muster.  Fate had made him
a Captain, and now her fickleness would make him a slave.  He would accept his
destiny without fear.  His turn came and went.  He hardly felt the collar or the burn
of the brand as reality numbed his senses.
     His thoughts turned to other things.  Yes, he would accept his fate, but who
knew where opportunity might present itself again, and as long as he lived, he might
still introduce Jessu to his dagger.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                  Hope it's still 31 lines or Barnabus's initiation
                                  By Pip T.F. Troll

     Nuln was walking down the street when he saw Soultaker.  "There's an important
meeting at the clubhouse in 30 minutes." Soultaker had told him.  Soultaker then
hopped on his moped, pedal started it, and rode off.
     "Wow," thought Nuln, "that really is a cool moped, pedal start is da bomb.  I
think that's the new emasculator 5000 model I've seen in ads."
     Thirty minutes later, all the FONZ was in the clubhouse.  Soultaker set down his
inflatable doughnut shaped seat cushion, cursing how thorough Malaquar was.  He sat
down and began to speak.  "Well, now it's time to tell you why you are all here.
It's time for step one of Barnabus's initiation.  Step one of forty will be this."
He motioned to Snotman, who reached outside and brought in a tether.  He handed the
tether to Soultaker, who began reeling it in.  At the end was his trusty donkey.  He
turned to Barnabus and said, "For the duration of the TOGS, you are to wear the
tether around your neck, my donkey will go everywhere with you."
     The rest of the FONZ began to snicker, for the stories of Soultaker's ass (for
donkeys in this area are almost always referred to as asses) were legendary.
Barnabus groaned, for he knew the donkey was one of the stubbornest, meanest donkeys
ever to wander Aradi.  The tether was attached around his neck, and the rest of the
FONZ left, laughing.  Well, Death Stud stayed behind, he was deep in thought with a
perplexing problem:  how to put donkey handles on his jacket.
     "Come on now, donkey, let's go." Barnabus said to the donkey.  "You are
definitely going to cramp my style."  He led the donkey down the road towards town.
Shortly down the road, he passed Nuln, who was headed back to the clubhouse because
he had forgotten his chaos wallet(tm).  "Nice ass," he snickered to Barnabus, "Too
bad it's got such an ugly face.  So you going to the dance tonight?"
     "Nah," replied Barnabus, "With Soultaker's ugly ass in tow, I won't be able to
pick up any chicks.  In fact, I think I'm just gonna go home, and figure out how I'm
going to deal with this donkey."
     So he headed down the trail towards his unibomber style shack.  They came to the
small stream that crossed the trail, and waded across.  The trail went uphill from
there, and it was steep and quite muddy.  The donkey slipped a few times, and was
soon covered in sticky mud.  "Oh man," though Barnabus, "Soultaker's ass hasn't been
this wet and sticky since last FONZ chili night, when it was raining and Snotman fell
out of the tree on him.  I guess I'm stuck cleaning up after him this time too."
     Further down the trail, in an area of Aradi covered with pine trees, a huge
cluster of pine cones fell out of one of the trees and landed right on the donkey's
head.  It crumpled to the ground.  Barnabus began to panic, if something bad happened
to the donkey, he wouldn't be able to stay in the FONZ.  He noticed the donkey was
still breathing.  "Oh man," he thought, "Soultaker's ass hasn't been hurt this bad
since he went camping with The Greek Guy, when he fell into that ravine."  The donkey
started to move and began getting up.  Barnabus was relieved, to see there was only a
small scratch on the donkey.
     They made it safely to the shack, and Barnabus cleaned up the donkey.  "Now how
am I gonna get some sleep?" he thought.  "There's not enough room in the shack for
him, because the hog is already in there."  He moved his bed next to the door, so he 
could close the donkey on the outside, luckily the tether was rather long.
     While Barnabus slept, the donkey was bored.  He began scratching at the ground
with his hoof, and soon had a sizeable hole.  Well, Barnabus slept for a long time,
and the donkey was unable to sleep, being in strange surroundings and all.  By the
time morning came, the hole was six feet deep and ten feet across.
     Barnabus woke up, and felt refreshed, ready to tackle the day.  Then he
remembered the donkey.  "Dang!" he shouted out loud.  He was not looking forward to
another donkey day.  He opened the front door and stepped out.  Where there used to
be dirt, there was now a hole.  He fell headfirst into Soultaker's ass's hole!
"Ptttwah," he spit, "My mouth was open, got a buncha dirt in it."
     Barnabus cursed the TOGS, "How much longer can it go on for anyway?" he thought.

          + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Lord of the 'O' Ring ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                      part two
                  (with the assistance of one Artemis J. Soulscrod)

     "Now, where did I leave off?" Vohde stroked his chin & squinted, as if trying to
reach back to the dim recesses of his concussed brain.  He was working his audience
like a 10 cent hand-puppet as he began to blossom into one of the legendary story-
tellers of old (the kind Soultaker would remember).
     "Oooh, oooh, I know, I know!" screamed little Molly Knowditall from the frontest
row of tow-headed children (Vohde could swear they were growing tow before his very
eyes).  Vohde had begun to have a strong dislike for the bossy miss Molly, always
interrupting his story flow with unrelated questions, or trying to correct his
grammar when he would bust into mad rhymes.  Looking back further through the
shoulder to shoulder ranks of his young audience, Vohde found the face of the child
he was looking for:  Amerlia Goodscrod, who sat patiently with her hand raised just
ever so slightly.
     "Amerlia, would you please be a doll and refresh Vohde's memory again?" Vohde
cast a simple silence spell on little miss Molly, while he and the rest of the group
listened politely to Emily.
     "Thertainly, Poppa Vohde," lisped Emily, very matter of factly, clearing her
throat.  "The thcwobbith had jutht left the Thow's Butt Thawoon with Thnotagorn, but
they got thurpwithed by the Legion Theven while camping on top of Pweathertop, and
Deathfwodo wath wounded by the top dawk widerth, and now Thnotagorn ith twying to
heaw him."
     "Very good, Emily." Vohde replied, although in truth he wasn't quite sure what
she had just said.  "Now..."
     And so Vohde's words flowed like honeyed wine, and the story continued...

     ...It was just as Snotagorn feared.  A shard from Doc Steele's blade of
obsolescence had lodged in Deathfrodo's shoulder, and the young scrobbit had turned a
deathly pale bluish-white.  His fellow scrobbits looked to their veteran ranger
companion, hoping he carried the answer to their mounting desperation.
     "What do I do?!  What do I do?!?" Snotagorn cried out frantically, wringing his
hands and pacing in tight circles.
     "Snotagorn!" Soulwise stepped forward, as Merry Man and Pippanti were busy
finishing a heated game of Yahtzee (tm).  "You are a ranger, for gods sake!  Survival
skills should be your specialty!  There must be something you know, maybe something
you overheard from one of the other smarter rangers?"
     "Think, Snotagorn, think!" the square-jawed one known also as 'Slider' thinked.
Deathfrodo made a pathetic whimper, shivered, and his now pupil-less eyes rolled to
the back of his head.  Soon the obsolescence spell would be complete, and Deathfrodo
would join the undead Legion 7, making them the Legion 7 & 1/4.
     Moving now with surety and purpose, Snotagorn rifled through his travel pack,
and produced in short order a small burlap pouch tied with twine, upon which the
letters 'S' 'A' 'L' and 'T' had been stamped.  Furiously now, Slider began rubbing
the chunks of white powder from the pouch into Deathfrodo's wound, as the 'O' Ring
carrier cried out in agony.
     "Slider, you idiot, what are you doing?"  screamed Pippanti.  He was a very
protective scrobbit, except of course when he was involved in a hotly contested game
of Yahtzee (tm).
     "Yeah, Slider, even an idiot knows not to rub salt in a would, eh?"  added Merry
Man.  The Canofscrodadian flag which he always carried with him flapped in the wind,
along with his pet sage hen, which was the national mascot of Canofscrodada,
punctuating his question nicely.
     Snotagorn sheepishly smiled, and tried to casually brush the remaining salt out
of Deathfrodo's gash.  The wounded scrobbit let out a low gurgle.  Moving again now
with surety and purpose, Snotagorn grabbed a pile of dirt off the ground and
vigorously applied it to the wound area, spreading it around liberally.
     "Consarnit, Snotagorn, you fool!" Soulwise screamed, and he and the two younger
scrobbits leapt at the ranger, trying to save their stricken comrade's life.  It was
at that moment that a crack of branches was heard, and the party turned towards the
disturbance to see a lone figure on a beautiful white horse crash through the brush.
Truly, it was a sight to behold.  Astride the ivory steed was a beautiful faerie
maiden, clothed in flowing pastel blue and white robes, her feathered brown locks
held in place inside of a silver, fish-net of a bun.
     As the gleaming stallion and rider approached, the scrobbits looked at
Snotagorn, who appeared to be completely enraptured with the mysterious faerie rider.
As quick and light as possible she dismounted her steed, and immediately skipped into
the arms of Slider.  The two kissed furiously for a few minutes (although it seemed
like hours), then broke off, the faerie princess turning to the awestruck scrobbits,
her demeanor kind, but serious.
      "My name is Greekguyowyn, but you can call me Greekowyn for short, because
Greekguyowyn's an unnecessarily long name, I realize.  I have ridden from the faerie
fortress city of Rivensmell, hoping by chance to find you.  I was informed that you
might be in trouble with the Legion 7 after you.  I see he was right."  To the
scrobbits surprise, Greekowyn's voice was very low and husky for a girl-faerie, and
upon closer inspection, she had the traces of a recently trimmed mustache and a full-
bodied carpet of chest-hair sprouting from her low-cut robe.  Her heavy layer of base
make-up and crooked platinum-brown wig didn't do much to help, although Pippanti did
have to excuse himself.
     "One of you little ones is hurt, I see.  Yes, hmm, oh my.  Well, we should
really get him back to Rivensmell I should imagine.  Yes, as quickly as possible.
I'm sure the Legion 7 will be waiting by the entrance there to ambush us, but oh
well.  We all have to die sometime!  Ha ha!  Ha!"  Greekowyn's eyes crossed slightly 
as she laughed (somewhat maniacally it should be noted) at her own joke.  "Ok, let's
saddle up that little feller here on my horse.  I'll ride *behind* him!  Oh yes, I
said beeee-hiiiiind!"
      While the scrobbits labored to place Deathfrodo in the saddle, Snotagorn and
Greekowyn went off a pace, clutching each others hands, their faces inches apart.
     "Be careful my love.  Those Legion 7 aren't the most dangerous stoolies you'll
find cavorting around, but they might get lucky and hit you in your enlarged gland.
Promise me you'll be careful?"  Snotagorn lifted Greekowyn's head by her scruffy
chin.  A tear slid down her cheek.
     "Take this, my beloved." whispered Greekowyn hotly, thrusting a small object
into Snotagorn's large hand.  "Now I must go."
     He opened his hand, and felt his heart skip a beat.  In his palm lay a length of
Greekowyn's chest hair, braided in the shape of a heart with an arrow through it.
How could she leave him something so precious of hers, the ranger thought?
     Snotagorn looked up to see his faerie lover leap on her horse with a light jump.
     "Wh-wh-where am I?" muttered Deathfrodo, suddenly coming to in the saddle.  He
could faintly make out his surroundings, but was mostly aware of the two hairy arms
that wrapped around him, holding what appeared to be reins.
     "I am Greekowyn," a warm & gravely voice whispered in his ear, "and I am going
to take you to safety, my cute little soldier.  Now, this may be a little bit of a
bumpy ride, so make sure you hold onto the saddle horn, mister."  Greekowyn gave the
reins a snap, the signal to her horse, Fungalfing, to gallop, and fast-like.
     From a distance, the party could hear Greekowyn yelp, "That's not a saddle-horn!
Grab the mane!  The mane!" and for quite some time until the horse and riders were
out of ear shot, the party could hear the faerie princess whooping & yelping horribly
as they galloped off towards Rivensmell.
     Luckily, Fungalfing was the fastest mare of all Rivensmell, that is if you want
a horse who can eat a few colynder's of sugar cubes fast.  As Fungalfing galumphed
along, three dark riders pulled into view, their black steeds pulling even with fat
     "Kick it into 5th, Fungalfing baby," Greekowyn hissed into the mare's pudgy ear,
and the horse whinnied in response, her plodding gate picking up by a few inches per
second.  One of the black attack-emu's pulled alongside, its rider covered by a black
cowl, one palsied hand trying unsuccessfully to draw its blade.  It was the Legion 7
dead king known only as Moriarty, and he feebly clawed at them with a skeletal hand.
     "Ew, like, gross!" gagged Greekowyn, whereupon Moriarty's emu smashed head-on
into a remnant of Gourdian's Wall (its history was shrouded in myth, but it was said
that Gourdian's Wall was built entirely out of bricks fashioned from Gourdian's ego),
making it not only a flightless, but a legless bird as well.
     The rest of what now was the Legion 6 came into view, four more emus sprinting
awkwardly towards the ambling Fungalfing, trying to cut off the 'O' Ring and company
from the left side.  The terrain was flat now, dotted with thin trees that gave scant
protection.  Although the elvish horse was nearly out of gas, the dark riders were
weakened further than their already considerable weakness, being in the sunlight, and
Fungalfing pulled ahead of the row of six rabid emus, the dead kings slapping their
emu's haunches to spur them on.
     "C'mon girl, faster!  Faster!" urged Greekowyn, her horse foaming at the edges
of her mouth.  Deathfrodo had passed out of consciousness, and Greekowyn held his
small body close to hers, giving him whatever warmth and protection she could
possibly provide.
     Fungalfing made one last push, as another emu dropped off, victim to a rake that
a local scrod farmer had left out by accident.  It was now the Legion 5, and
Greekowyn could finally see the fjords that lined the river, protecting Rivensmell
from intruders.  Fungalfing finally collapsed on her stomach at the near side of the
river's bank, but her motion sent the faerie and scrobbit flying through the air,
miraculously landing on the opposite bank.
     The remaining emu riders stopped short at the rivers edge, seeming to eye
Greekowyn and their sought after prize, the 'O' Ring bearer.
     Greekowyn laid Deathfrodo awkwardly down on some very pointy rocks, and turned
to face the Legion 5, whose emus had now timidly made it to the middle of the fjord
in the river.  Her face, though strangely mannish, was now sinister and had a
certain, 'hell hath no fury like a woman who looks like a man who is scorned' look to
     "Hach shalooach beth kabob a bim bom!" shouted Greekowyn, trying to scare the
riders with made up faerie-babble.  The current around the emu ankles swirled and
picked up pace slightly.
     "Hey nonny nin nonny nay nanny non!" continued Greekowyn, assuming different
poses she had learned in her jazzercise classes.  A foam appeared in the water, as
the riders edged forward another smidge.  Doc Steels, the high king of the Legion 5,
tried to force his emu onward, but it wasn't budging.
     "Hey, purty clouds."  Greekowyn smiled, looking up.  At that moment, the river
dam broke and a giant rush of water came rushing forward, sweeping away Chief
Illiniwikkiwikki and his rabid attack emu.  The remaining Legion 4 tried to rush
forward out of harm's way, but soon it was the Legion 3, the Legion 2, then, well,
let's face it, they were never much to worry about anyways.
     Greekowyn turned back to Deathfrodo, scratching her adam's apple.  "I better get
this little sailor up to Yukonrond fast.  If anyone can save this scrumptious little
cherub, it's Yukonrond.  I better get him up to him quick.  Very quick.  No beating
around the bush here.  Nope."

     The children gasped, then as soon as they saw Vohde had paused longer than
normal, began bombarding him with questions:  What happened to Deathfrodo?  Would
Greekowyn do anything useful?  What had happened to Nulndalf?  What was Rivensmell
like?  Who was Yukonrond?
     "Children!" Vohde cut in gruffly, the tone of his voice telling the children
that they were on very thin ice.  "If you'll look outside the window, you'll notice
those trolls have finished building that wall up to the third floor here.  That means
Vohde's throat needs a rest now.  Not to mention the nurse has to change his rubber
baggy.  Now go back to the tow-headed children's ward and play with your cootie-
catchers for a while.  I'll finish the story tomorrow, I promise."
     And so it was that the author realized that he would never be able to finish the
tale of the Lord of the 'O' Ring even if he had 6 more T@#$, but like Vohde with the
children, he liked to keep up the charade that everything was under control.  And so
that night, Vohde slept a very deep deep sleep, knowing he would have to think of
some way to slip out of the hospital the next morning.  And so stay tuned for part
III, where I will miraculously learn how to summarize large portions of this story
into relatively small paragraphs.  Until then....

       + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Acquiescence of Onedawg ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Thalmus the cobbler had been having odd dreams as of late.  During the day, he
would occasionally stare off into the near distance and gaze at a hazy figure cloaked
in shadowstuff.  Try as he might though, Thalmus could never figure out three
interesting points about the figure.  One, the simple shoe-maker never knew if the
figure was facing him in the distance or if the figure had its back to him.  Two, no
one else ever seemed to notice the hazy figure.  And three, Thalmus was unsure as to
whether or not the voices he had echoing in his head while gazing at the figure,
(strangely familiar voices), were the same ones he tended to have to his dreams.
     Then, one day as Thalmus stepped outside to empty out a filthy work rug, he saw
the figure again.
     'Greetings,' the voice intoned to Thalmus.  Thalmus froze.  The cobbler was used
to the voice, but this time was different--this time he knew!
     'What do you want?'  Thalmus thought.
     'The same thing you wish to be rid of,' the voice replied.
     Thalmus' eyes went wide for a brief moment, then he looked down at his shoes.
     About six weeks ago, Thalmus had been doing a bit of spelunking down by the
shore.  It was there that he discovered a 4-foot length of twine that had a brilliant
luminescence about it--the way it caught the sunlight was "out of this world."
Thalmus then decided to remove one of his own shoelaces and replace it with the
twine, keeping his treasure a safe secret that would always be near and dear to him.
Thalmus had to admit though, that it wasn't until after he had taken the twine as his
own that he started having these strange dreams.
     'I know who you are; you're the one in my dreams!' Thalmus screamed back in his
     'Then why not help us both and give me what I need,' the voice intoned again.
     Thalmus edged towards the doorway of his shop.  'If I give the twine to you,
Thalmus thought, 'will you leave my dreams?'
     'Very well,' the voice intoned.
     Without another thought, the timid cobbler reached down and tore the twine from
his shoe, flinging it in the figure's direction.  Had the piece of twine been
anything less than what it truly was, it would have broken apart in Thalmus' haste to
finally be rid of the object.
                                 *     *     *     *
     A day later, and across town, Gabrielle, a local house nurse, sat rocking a
child to sleep in her arms.  The day had been long and tiring and Gabrielle knew
tomorrow would be just like any other day.  With that, she permitted herself to close
her eyes for a brief moment.  Instantly, she saw a hazy figure cloaked in shadowstuff
standing over her.  Gabrielle's eyes flashed open and she very nearly dumped the now
sleeping child she held on the floor.  With a sigh of relief and a shake of her head
the nurse decided it was time for her to retire for the evening.
     After having tucked in the children, Gabrielle gathered her things and prepared
to leave.  Before she was out the door, the kindly nurse spied a figure watching her
through the front window.  Undaunted, she opened the door and side-glanced at the
still, and very silent dark figure to her left.
     'I have come for it,' a voice in her head intoned.
     Gabrielle closed her arms around her carrying bag feeling herself being
overcome.  'Will it stop,' she thought, 'the strange appearances, the following, the
dreams--all of it, will it stop?'
     'If that is what you wish,' the voice replied.
     Then, as if a great load has been lifted off her shoulders, the nurse reached
into her bag and gave the dark figure the sharp-edged rock that the children had
found in the dirt many days ago.
     It was no simple rock though, the dark figure knew as it held the stone up to
the twilight.  As if the figure's touch had incited something with the stone, the
rock began to glow like a gem, eating away at the dust and grime that had encrusted
it for such a long time.
                                 *     *     *     *
     And thus, back within the bowels of the Lawndocker, Onedawg, a dark figure
indeed, sat pondering over the pearly twine and the fiery gem he now had sitting on
his creaking desk.  Artifacts from the chaos, he knew, and drawn to them he had
been--but for what purpose he had not yet and drawn to them he had been--but for what
purpose he had not yet concluded?

   + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ "The Real World -- Aradi" Episode 5 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Death Stud took a wild swing at Kellumbo, as the AMTV producers scrambled
towards the corner booth in the Solven Saloon and Dance Hall where Kellumbo was
seated.  Kellumbo took a shot square on the chin, and muttered, "Screw you, Death
Stud.  You are still 0-6 in Solven."
     The Judge ran interference with the AMTV producers in an attempt to allow Death
Stud to deal the knock out punch to Kellumbo.  Some of Kellumbo's women ran over and
said, "Please don't hurt him."
     "Don't you know he never had a father?"
     Death Stud was well aware of this fact, having pointed this fact out to Kellumbo
in the Solven Personal Ads.
     Anti said, with a disgusted look on his face, "It's time to get out of here."
     Wimpy yelled, "Somebody get Nuln away from the bar.  I think he has had enough
to drink for all of us."
     Ganolus pulled his cell phone out of its holster as it began to ring.
     "Yeah, alright, we are heading back to Aradi right away," Ganolus stated to the
person on the other end of the call.
     "That was Hombre," said Ganolus.  "Apparently things are getting out of hand in
the TOGS IV.  Guardian has a winning record over the last three turns in the TOGS.
He might actually stop blaming Pip for his team's dismal performance," laughed
     Judge spoke to the AMTV confessional camera for the first time since entering
the AMTV guildhouse:  "It's interesting how Pip the Troll has been talking smack
about other managers in the TOGS IV while his team is staring up at its competitors
from 13th place," remarked Judge.  "He seems to think I am a poor judge of warrior
talent because I run mediocre warriors.  If I run mediocre warriors, what kind of
warriors does he run when his team is in 13th place, while Wimpy and I continue to
compete for the TOGS IV title."
     Snotman and Anti packed up the AMTV Real World cast's SUV, and the cast members
headed back on the long drive back to Aradi.  After completing the 28 hour drive, and
listening to Nuln snore the entire way back, the Real World cast piled out of the
AMTV SUC and headed into the guildhouse.
      "Can you believe that we are already at Turn 8 of the TOGS IV," commented
     "It's hard to believe," said Wimpy.
    "Dude, I am so winning this competition," said Nuln.  "Who's your daddy?"
inquired Nuln.
     "Shut up Nuln," said Ganolus.  "This thing is far from being over."
     Nuln ran over to the plasma television in the guildhouse and yelled, "Hold up,
check this out."
     AMTV was running an advertisement for upcoming fights in the TOGS IV.  Elephant
was being interviewed by the Gladiatorial Commission about his continuing disputes
with the Midnight Foundation.
     "I am so sick of Jekyll, Carny, and the other members of the 'Midnight
Foundation' trying to claim they own the intellectual property right to the name
'Midnight Foundation.'  I am the real founder of the Midnight Foundation."
     Judge knew that this would be a recurring theme throughout the balance of the

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
        -----     -----     -----    Death Stud    -----     -----     -----

     Death Stud huddled beneath his blankets, shivering uncontrollably.  "Damn that
evil Snotman," he thought.  "I don't know how he did it, how he worked this evil
spell upon me, but I will get him."  Death Stud had always sort of liked Snotman.  He
was always polite and generally friendly, you know, as far you can be when you are a
horrid, oozing mucus entity.  That was before this, before Snotman had betrayed him.
     From beneath his mound of blankets and furs, Death Stud called out for his
attendant.  Monique brought Mr. Stud a mug of piping hot cider and piled yet another
blanket on the already heaping pile covering the Stud.  She stirred up the fire,
added a couple of logs to the blaze and was about to leave when Death Stud called her
back.  "Monique, please bring Soultaker here.  I need his help.  And bring me some
items as well."  Death Stud gave the lovely woman her instructions and sent her off.
     By the time Soultaker bustled into Death Stud's chambers, the Stud was dressed
and waiting.  "I can't take it anymore.  Snotman needs to pay for this."  Death
Stud's breath rattled and rasped in his chest.  He had a huge string of green snot
oozing out of his nose and across the corner of his mouth and his nose was swollen
red and ringed with a white crust.
     "You look like hell, Studly."  Soultaker tried to avert his gaze, but it was
drawn morbidly back to his sick friend.
     "I haven't been out of my room for the last week and a half and if it wasn't for
Monique's loving sponge-baths, I would be a truly dreadful sight.  But enough about
my hygiene, what I need is your help."
     Soultaker looked dubious, but replied anyway, "What is it?"
     "Two weeks ago, Snotman sent his snotlings to attack me in the night.  I don't
know how or why he did it, but last Friday I woke up sneezing and coughing and with a
hellacious runny nose.  It has gotten steadily worse and worse over the last week and
has become unbearable.  I can feel the little bastards wiggling around inside me,
multiplying, and making bucket after bucket of their nasty little snotling jizz."  He
honked loudly into a stained and dripping hanky and cursed.  "I want them gone and I
want that Snotbastard to pay."
     Soultaker listened to Death Stud's plan and they began.  Death Stud braced
himself as Soultaker took up the four foot length of thick hardwood timber in his
hands and cocked it, Reggie Jackson style.  "Are you sure ready?"
     Death Stud looked at his old (oops, did I say "old?") friend and nodded his
acceptance grimly.  And with that, Soultaker swung with all his might and hit Death
Stud square across the back of his shoulders with it.  Death Stud cried out in pain,
stumbling to his knees under the blow before rising back to his feet.  Soultaker
swung again, sweeping the heavy stick in a tremendous bone-crushing arc.  Again, Stud
took the full force of the blow across his back.  He coughed and fell against the
table, spots spinning around his head from the power of the blow.  Soultaker winced
in empathy as Death Stud set himself again.  The determined set of the Stud's jaw
told Soultaker that there would be no quitting until they had finished what they
started.  Soultaker adjusted his grip on the stout lumber, ten threw his weight
behind his weapon in an all-out assault.  The blow unleashed on Death Stud and sent
him sprawling across the room.  It also literally smacked the snot out of him,
ejecting several snotlings from his mouth and nose in a violent exhalation.  The
snotlings smacked into the far wall, follow closely by Death Stud.
     Death Stud scrabbled to his feet and he and Soultaker quickly rounded up the
slippery snotlings.  Soultaker pulled a salt shaker from a pouch at his belt and
poured it on a couple of the snotlings.  Like just so many snails, the snotlings
writhed with pain, bubbling and hissing to their deaths.  Death Stud menaced over the
remaining snotlings and warned them, "If I ever see you around here again, you'll get
the same.  Back to your master, now.  GO!"  He released the snotlings and they headed
for the door, scrabbling over one another to get away from the salt shaker of death.
Death Stud looked at Soultaker, "Are you ready?"  The plan had been set in motion.
     The dynamic duo took off on the viscous heels of the snotlings, keeping them in
sight, but far enough back to escape notice.  The dirty little bastards (the
snotlings, not Soultaker and Death Stud) headed straight for Snotman's secret mucus
replenishment chamber beneath the Temple of Khorne with megamanager #1 and #2 in tow.
The minions of Snotman slid open a secret passage to the secret chamber in the side
of the Khorne temple and slipped through.  The two trailing FONZites surreptitiously
ducked in behind just before the door clicked shut.  The snotlings were already down
the corridor and around the corner and our heroes hurried to follow.
     The braintrust of the FONZ non-alliance (I know that's not saying much) followed
the snotlings through the corridors, past a series of nineteen right hand turns
before the passage opened up into a small room flickering with torchlight.  The room
was all in stone and had a shallow, elongated pit in the center.  The floor tapered
down steeply to the bottom of the pit in a series of very tiny steps, giving it the
shape and look of a miniature coliseum.  At the bottom of that pit lay Death Stud's
quarry, the icky Snotman.  Circled around him all around him must have been every
snotling in existence.  They filled every ring of steps from the floor above to the
Snotty thing at the bottom and were pulsing and quivering all together.  The entire
mass seemed to be flailing at themselves with their tiny snotling arms in some mad,
masochistic ritual.
     Death Stud and Soultaker were transfixed by the spectacle in front of them as
the frenzy rose to a fevered pitch.  Snotman's voice rose from the center of the
mass, instructing his minions, "My children, release to me the power of your mucus.
Replenish me, my snotlings!"  All around the circle, masses of snotlings began to
shudder and seemed to explode, showering the ecstatic Snotman with a thick covering
of splooge.  He reveled, shouting even louder, "Replenish me, my snotlings!  Give me
your essence!"  The hideous shower slowed to a few random spurts when suddenly the
horrified onlookers snapped out of it.
     The two horrified managers simultaneously let out a yell and jumped into the
room brandishing their salt shakers.  Snotman howled in rage and leapt from the ring
of spent Snotlings, gobs of yuckiness flinging from his flailing limbs.  With a
primal scream, Death Stud flew into a vicious two-footed kick right at Snotto's
chest.  The blow landed with such tremendous impact that it sent Snotman flying
across the small room.  It was such a sudden and powerful force that Snotman was
actually knocked clear out of his mucous coating.  Suddenly devoid of the body it had
encompassed moments before, the body-shaped slime coat hung in the air for a split
second, then glopped to the ground with a loud slurp.
     Soultaker encircled the shocked and sluggish snotlings with a heavy ring of
salt, trapping them all.  They wailed as one, the fear evident in their little faces.
Death Stud walked over to Snotman's dry, shriveled body, captivated by seeing Snotman
in his true form.  He kicked Snotman to consciousness.  "Remember who kicked the snot
out of you or, more appropriately, who kicked you out of your snot.  I don't know why
you send your evil little snotlings to poison my body, but you messed with the wrong
Stud."  He motioned to Soultaker, who began covering the screaming snotlings with
salt, creating a bubbling, hissing cauldron of dying snotlings right in front of
Snotman's.  Snotman's face curled into an agonized grimace as he watched the demise
of his minions.  He would be able to summon more to replenish his protective coating,
but it would take time, painful time where he would be in constant agony.
     Death Stud and Soultaker left him weeping as they retreated from the secret
Snotman replenishment chamber, shaken by what they had just witnessed and done.  Once
they were safely away, Death Stud turned wide-eyed to his associate.  "We have to
warn the rest of the FONZ.  Snotman isn't really a snotman.  All this time it has
just been a clever anagram to disguise the true nature of his being."
     Soultaker nodded knowingly.  They were stunned.  He wasn't Snotman after all, he
was actually Mansnot!

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
  Never to be Repeated (the names were change to protect the innocent) -- by Ghoti

     Ghoti sat up on the bench, feeling a lump on the top of his head.  "What just
happened?" he thought.  "I remember reading the newsletter but what happened after
     Nuln suddenly appeared on roller skates and asked, "Why you got that big lump on
your head?"
     "I don't know?" replied Ghoti.
     "Well, if you don't remember you must have ammonia." said Nuln.
     "Don't you mean amnesia?" asked Ghoti.
     "Can't you even remember the name of your own diseases?" yelled Nuln, as he
skated off.
     Ghoti picked up his arena newsletter and began reading about his previous 1-4-0
turn when Guardian showed up.
     "Did you spew?" he asked.
     "I don't think so." was Ghoti's reply.
     "Well, if you don't remember, maybe I can help." and then Guardian pulled out a
hammer and smacked Ghoti on the head, knocking him unconscious.

     Ghoti sat up on the bench, feeling a lump on the top of his head.  "What just
happened?" he thought.  "I remember reading the newsletter, but what happened after
     Death Stud suddenly appeared on roller skates and asked, "Why you got that big
lump on your head?"
     "I don't know?" replied Ghoti.
     "Well if you don't remember you must have anemia." says Death Stud.
     "Don't you mean amnesia?" asked Ghoti.
     "Can't you even remember the name of your own diseases?" yelled Death Stud, as
he skated off.
     Ghoti picked up his arena newsletter and began reading about his previous 1-4-0
turn when Indimar showed up.
     "Do you chew?" he asked.
     "I try to." was Ghoti's reply.
     "Well, if you don't remember, maybe I can help."  And then Indimar pulled out a
hammer and smacked Ghoti on the head, knocking him unconscious.

     Ghoti sat up on the bench, feeling a lump on the top of his head.  "What just
happened?" he thought.  "I remember reading the newsletter, but what happened after
     Sultan suddenly appeared on roller skates and asked, "Why you got that big lump
on your head?"
     "I don't know?" replied Ghoti.
     "Well if you don't remember you must have apoplexy." said Death Stud.
     "Don't you mean amnesia?" asked Ghoti.
     "Can't you even remember the name of your own diseases?" yelled Sultan, as he
skated off.
     Ghoti picked up his arena newsletter and began reading about his previous 1-4-0
turn when Indimar showed up.
     "Did you poo?" he asked.
     "I hope so." was Ghoti's reply.
     "Well, if you don't remember, maybe I can help."  And then Rude Budda pulled out
a hammer and smacked Ghoti on the head, knocking him unconscious.

     Ghoti sat up on the bench, feeling a lump on the top of his head.  "What just
happened?" he thought.  "I remember reading the newsletter, but what happened after
     Judge suddenly appeared on roller skates and asked, "Why you got that big lump
on your head?"
     "I don't know?" replied Ghoti.
     "Well if you don't remember you must have amnesia." said Judge.
     "Don't you mean amnesia...he said amnesia?" said Ghoti askingly.
     "Can't you even remember the name of your own diseases?" yelled Judge, as he
skated off.
     Ghoti picked up his arena newsletter and began reading about his previous 1-4-0
turn when a nurse showed up.
     "Dij' vu?" she asked....

                   + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ 24 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                          A.K.A. Where is Jack Wolfspider?

     Last week:  Mr. Negativity and Hell Mary of 5 Below Zero were introduced, by
their manager CFH, to the problem known as the Moo-vement that had recently taken
root in Aradi.

     The trio continued to head towards their destination of CFH's room at the inn,
so that he could clean up and make himself at least half-way presentable.  They were
nearly there when they passed the coach and livery stable next to the inn.  A long
line of managers were standing out front of the stable and appeared to be waiting for
     "See," said CFH pointing, "that's what I was talking about."
     Hell Mary and Mr. Negativity looked over to see a sign that said "Cavity
Searches are now mandatory for all individuals arriving in or leaving from Aradi."
Beside the sign stood a man in a light blue smock; he had just finished putting on a
pair of latex gloves with a loud pop and had scooped out a large dab of petroleum
jelly from a 5 gallon bucket of the stuff.
     "What do you meaneth I can't go througheth again?  I demandeth to be searcheth!"
said a loud angry voice.
     All three of the 5 Below Zero personnel looked over to see a red faced man
wearing plate mail and stamping his foot as he screamed at two tall, burly guards
that had their halberds crossed before him, preventing his entrance into the
building.  One of the guards looked at him and said in a stern voice, "Sir, you've
already been searched three times this morning and the stable only opened at 5:30.
At this rate, sir, we'll be out of petroleum jelly before noon."
     The platemail clad man's bottom lip began to quiver and his eyes began to water.
     "Ith not faireth," he whined.  "He's already been searcheth three times too
(pointing at another manager in line.  There's that guy with the crayon again.)
     "Sir," said the guard, "for the last time, PLEASE remove yourself from the
     At that point CFH and his warriors all decided that they had seen enough and
began to walk away.  They had made it the remaining 30 feet to the front steps of the
inn and were about to enter when they heard a familiar voice scream, "Hey, no fair!
He snucketh back in line!!!"

     "Today begins a new era in the history of Aradi!  One in which cows no longer
live in fear of being abused by alliances with four letter names!"
     Clunk, Clunk...clunk, clunk.
     The figure on the soap box screamed out into the darkness.  His/Her identity was
unknown to most because he/she wore a long, hooded robe of the purest white
containing the occasional irregular splotch of black on it.  Some would say that the
robe resembled a cow's hide, while most of the unimaginative deadbeat managers in
Aradi would say it looked like a dirty bathrobe.
     Somewhere in the darkness a hundred pairs of bovine eyes shined with a maniacal
fervor.  They stood assembled, brothers and sisters with a common cause.  The did not
cheer, they made no comment.  The only sound issuing forth from the crowd was a
simultaneous and rhythmic clunking of cow bells.  The speaker would rant, coming to a
fevered pitch and the cows would clunk in response.
     "The time of our dominance is upon us!"

     "Damn that broad's ugly," said Mr. Negativity.
     He was talking about the large-boned, ample bosomed wench who ran the inn and
     "Guardianna, bring your ugly ass over here and bring me a beer with it!" shouted
a nondescript tavern patron.
     The wench known as "Guardianna" scowled but drew the man his beer.  As she made
her way to his table she stopped briefly at a table where her bouncer was minding his
own business and eating a bowl of soup.  Her hand was a blur as she slapped the
large, trollish looking man across the back of his head and said, "Pepe, clearly this
is your fault!"

     CFH had been in his room for about 20 minutes now.   Most people would be
dressed by now and shaved to boot.  But not CFH, who was known to be inconsistent and
unreliable.  Most people would be ready to go, ready to compete in T#%$ IV, but most
people hadn't passed out cold in their room.

       + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Losers and almost Too Late ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Pip was sleeping soundly on a couch in the CDC headquarters, snoring loudly,
with his gut hanging out below a white T-shirt with a picture of a bull on the front.
The shirt said "Bullshirt", and it, along with Pip, was covered with crumbs.
Malaquar came walking up the stairs, and headed over to the fridge.
     "I'm hungry," thought Malaquar, as he neared the fridge, "Good thing I left that
doughnut in the fridge."  He opened the fridge and started looking for his doughnut.
It wasn't there where he left it, where could it be?  He looked around a few seconds
longer, then he spotted Pip lying there.  Pip was covered with crumbs, doughnut
crumbs.  Malaquar walked up to the couch and kicked it, yelling, "Get up, you ate my
     Pip stirred slightly, and managed a "Huh, what?"
     Malaquar shook him, yelling, "My doughnut, you ate my doughnut!"
     Pip was now more awake, and replied, "Well, it was in there, and if it's in
there, well it's fair game for anyone who wants to eat it."
     "Fair game, huh? How's this for fair game?", Malaquar replied as he reached back
and smacked Pip.
     "Ow, hey!" shouted Pip.
     "That's right, it's a karate chop!  How bout this one?" yelled Malaquar, as he
reached back and smacked Pip again.
     "Ow, come on!" yelled Pip, as he started to get up.
     Guardian heard all the yelling, and had stepped out of his office, just in time
to see Pip and Malaquar getting ready to square off.  "Hey," he shouted, "Remember
last time you two got into it?  Pip broke his foot off in your ass, and was on
crutches for a few hours, and those doctors and nurses in the emergency room never
really believed your story about how that troll foot got in there, did they?"
     "No they didn't believe me," replied Malaquar, "and they made me wait in the
room with Street Legal, who'd "fallen" on a shot glass." grumbled Malaquar.
     "So give it up then, we've got more important things to take care of." said
     "What's going on now?" asked Pip, as he brushed doughnut crumbs off himself.
     "Well we've successfully quelled the Atheist fundamentalists from the east, and
the Agnostic extremists from the west, but now I'm getting reports of FONZunist
rebels to the north.  We're gonna have to go and investigate this one, get the gear
ready." Guardian replied.
     A short while later, the trio was ready to go.  They headed into the forest to
the north, following a map given to Guardian by his spies.  The path they were
following opened up into a clearing; there was a bear wandering around in the
     "Hey Pip, I bet you can't maul that bear." dared Malaquar.
     "That's a bet you're gonna lose.  C'mere beary beary!" yelled Pip as he walked
slowly towards the bear.  "Yo bear, you looking at me?" he asked as he got closer.
The bear was confused, and stood there looking at the troll, not completely
understanding what was happening.  Pip arrived at the bear, and proceeded to punch it
in the face.  The bear proceeded to smash him in the chest with his paw, and bite
down on his head.  The bear started swinging its head back and forth, and slashing at
the troll with his claws.  Pip was being tossed around like a rag doll, screaming,
"Is that all you got?  Is that all you got?"
     "Now look what you've done." Guardian said to Malaquar.  He pulled out his
shotgun, and took a shot at the bear, in an attempt to dispatch it.  The bear was
still tossing Pip around, and the shot managed to dispatch Pip's shoulder.  The bear
was startled and dropped the troll, and ran off into the woods.
     "Yeah, you better run!" said Pip, "Man, I had him right where I wanted, why'd
you have to step in like that?"
     They continued along the path, following the map.  As they neared the spot
marked by the spies, they saw smoke from a campfire coming up through the trees.
They snuck closer, and could make out a figure with a huge beard, dressed in green
fatigues smoking a cigar.  "Sure looks like a FONZunist.  You two go up that tree and
see if you can tell who it is." ordered Guardian.
     Malaquar and Pip climbed the tree, and were both standing on the first low
branch.  They still couldn't make out who it was.  "Walk out onto the branch, maybe
you can tell then." Malaquar suggested to Pip, who started to walk out onto the
branch.  He got pretty far out on the branch, and then looked.  "Awww, it's just
Death Stud--and he's not even Andorian." said Pip.
     "And I hear he's just in the FONZ to pad their tourney numbers." said Malaquar.
"Hey Pip, this is for my doughnut." Malaquar said, and began violently shaking the
     Guardian walked into the clearing where Death Stud was camping out, and walked
up to him.  He saw a handled jacket laying on a large stone.  "Lemme guess, back
hurts, and you're hiding out from the rest of the FONZ?"
     "You got it.  And I'd appreciate you not telling anyone you saw me here." he
     "Look at me, look at me, haha!" cried Pip, dancing nimbly around on the
violently shaking tree branch.  "Look at me, hawhooops!" he said, as he nimbly danced
onto a piece of moss, slipped, and plummeted to the ground.
     "Well so much for the FONZunist rebels.  When the hell is mouse gonna show up,
so I can get some decent help?" asked Guardian.

            + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ T330 TOGS Totals ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

                              TOTAL     Turn 7 Turn 7 Turn 7 Turn 7 Turn 7
TEAM                         POINTS    Fights  Spots   Ads  Avoids   DM
------- ------------------- ------- -- ------ ------ ------ ------ ------
TEAM 3                        388        37     10
TEAM 11                       388        53     10
TEAM 2                        380        72     10                   10
TEAM 14                       347        31     10
TEAM 8                        319        27     10
TEAM 7                        292        35     10            -5
TEAM 9                        289        21      5
TEAM 4                        273        24     10     -5
TEAM 6                        273        24     10
TEAM 1                        258        27      0
TEAM 12                       238        45      5
TEAM 10                       230        11      5
TEAM 13                       217        27     10
TEAM 15                       186        28      5     -5
TEAM 5                         64        11      0     -5

T330 Team Fight Totals

WARRIOR:                                      WARRIOR:           WINNER: PNTS:
========                                      ========           ======= =====
LACHES              was subdued by            ACUTE               TEAM 1    7
KARATE WRECKER          demolished            SHARP STICK         TEAM 1   10
LEGS ANDARMS            demolished            SQUIRTY JOE         TEAM 1   10
                                                                   TOTAL:  27

WINKER X            was vanquished by         LIGHTNING IX        TEAM 2    7
BARON               was demolished by         QUICKSAND           TEAM 2    7
SANDSTORM               vanquished            JAMIS               TEAM 2   10
CYCLONE                 demolished            STRANGLEMEELMO      TEAM 2   10
WILDFIRE                defeated              VICIOUS RUMOR       TEAM 2   10
QUETZACOATYL        was viciously subdued by  ANGRY SANTA         TEAM 2    7
FLICKED BOOGERS     was subdued by            THE-SHOCKER         TEAM 2    7
TYPHOON XXII            luckily beat          NAMBY PAMBY         TEAM 2    7
ZYLLEIX'S SHADE     was demolished by         EDDIE THE ECHO      TEAM 2    7
                                                                   TOTAL:  72

GOLDFISH                overpowered           IKER                TEAM 3   10
BONG                    narrowly defeated     MR OBLIVIOUS        TEAM 3   10
GROVER                  savagely defeated     VOHDE               TEAM 3   10
HANGMAN             was devastated by         SILVER BELLS        TEAM 3    7
                                                                   TOTAL:  37

LLUPERIOR LLORCES   was handily defeated by   DEMURRER            TEAM 4    7
S.L.A.P.P.              viciously subdued     MAIMONIDES          TEAM 4   10
GRAFFIX                 lost to               FREEP               TEAM 4    7
                                                                   TOTAL:  24

ORIGINAL SHOCKER    was subdued by            MR. NEGATIVITY      TEAM 5    7
BLUD                    overpowered           ROCKY BANKS         TEAM 5    4
                                                                   TOTAL:  11

DICHABOD            was savagely defeated by  GOURMET GRUEL       TEAM 6    7
WEED 4 MOM          was viciously subdued by  VORPAL BUNNY        TEAM 6    7
JAMAICAN GOLD           savagely defeated     PIP THE TROLL       TEAM 6   10
                                                                   TOTAL:  24

TAY STARLE          was narrowly defeated by  SON OF BLOODLUST    TEAM 7    7
ASSHE-MASTER            narrowly defeated     XXX                 TEAM 7   10
IAGO                was beaten by             WATER               TEAM 7    7
LOUKMAD             was demolished by         FLAME               TEAM 7    7
SIR ZESTALOT            vanquished            SICK PUPPY          TEAM 7    4
                                                                   TOTAL:  35

MARBURY                 savagely defeated     ZERBERT             TEAM 8   10
DERRIN                  handily defeated      PIPSQUEAK           TEAM 8   10
HERROL                  won victory over      SPONGEBOB           TEAM 8    7
                                                                   TOTAL:  27

THE FRENCH          was overpowered by        FLORIN FALCONHAND   TEAM 9    7
HEADROCK                bested                OBITER DICTA        TEAM 9    7
URLGEN THREE-FIST       easily killed         PPAPPY              TEAM 9    7
                                                                   TOTAL:  21

LORD OF THE O RINGS     handily defeated      TALON               TEAM 10   7
SPIT                was barely slain by       NAPPY DUGOUT        TEAM 10   4
                                                                   TOTAL:  11

HENRY IV            was overcome by           BLUE BEANIE         TEAM 11   7
LLLENGEANCE             overpowered           WHITE RAVEN         TEAM 11   4
LLUCKY DAY              outlasted             FRUB                TEAM 11  10
TOGS STINKER            outwaited             SYDA HAMMIE         TEAM 11  10
GAZREKK                 overpowered           GUMMI GHOUL         TEAM 11   7
LLUGS AND LLISSES       overpowered           HELMS               TEAM 11   7
TOGS REPLACEMENT        overpowered           TRUST FUND BABY     TEAM 11   4
LIMPY LIMPY             demolished            FRIENDLY CONSTABLE  TEAM 11   4
                                                                   TOTAL:  53

LEO                     devastated            MISTRESS BOMBTRONIC TEAM 12   7
HOSCHA              was demolished by         MARDUK              TEAM 12   7
INNOCENT                murdered              MONKEY'S PAW        TEAM 12  10
URBAN                   narrowly defeated     IVAN                TEAM 12  10
ERIK THE RED            bested                BONE TAGGER         TEAM 12   7
SPED                was beaten by             TELESPHORUS         TEAM 12   4
                                                                   TOTAL:  45

SCRAG                   defeated              ANDROGENOUS STRAIN  TEAM 13  10
DUNNO                   overpowered           DOVE FALCONHAND     TEAM 13  10
T-MAC               was handily defeated by   TOSSED SALAD        TEAM 13   7
                                                                   TOTAL:  27

TRIPLICATE THUNDER  was defeated by           KABOOM              TEAM 14   7
NOODLES                 vanquished            WIND                TEAM 14  10
HELL MARY           was vanquished by         ANGRY SUE           TEAM 14   7
SUPERNOVA               demolished            BING                TEAM 14   7
                                                                   TOTAL:  31

MC CAIN                 overpowered           SLIPKNOT            TEAM 15  10
TERRA               was viciously subdued by  THOMPSON            TEAM 15   7
BUSH                    overpowered           VISITING ORC        TEAM 15   4
MURRAY                  savagely defeated     PIKEL               TEAM 15   7
                                                                   TOTAL:  28

Congrats to Death Stud and Soultaker for a whoppin' 92 points!!!  Great job, guys!!!
Just a friendly reminder--if I can't tell who a spotlight is from, you won't get any
points until you complain to me.  I had two spotlights this turn that were not
labeled and I couldn't tell who they were from, so the above totals may change
slightly.  That's all for now....

-- Ganolus Oakleaf

            + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Forgotten Realms ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Nuln finally woke up with a splitting headache, the smell of incense greeting
his senses, along with the taste of some liquor or other, he wasn't sure what.  He
tried to sit up, but felt a gentle but firm hand on his shoulder holding him down,
and a clear voice whispering quietly for him to lie still.  He risked opening his
eyes against what appeared to be a very bright light, to find that it was very bright
indeed, as Armalias Skyhawk stood over him, levitating the body of the giant
Tarrasque off of him, enveloping the ghastly beast in bright blue light.  He felt
another set of hands pulling him free and turned to see Soultaker there, his ever
present smile mocking the Chaos Lord's predicament.
     "Well, looks like I got here just in time," Soultaker said, lifting the dread
Lord of Chaos from the floor and helping him to stand.  Nuln found that, despite his
power and magic and prowess, he was having a difficult time keeping his feet.  He
sighed heavily, but continued to lean on the proffered arm, nodding his thanks but
unable to speak it.  His lungs were still burning from the lack of air.
     Armalias lowered the dead thing back to the marble floor and took out his
dagger, cutting a thin line along the creature's throat and following along the side
of its neck, around the shoulder and down the back; he finished by mirroring his cut
on the opposite side of the beast.
     "What on Ghea are you doing, Armalias?" Nuln asked the elf.
     Soultaker chuckled.  "What, you've never seen a hunter at work before?" he
asked, leading the still weakened man to his throne.
     Armalias stepped back to examine his work, then motioned Soultaker over to help
him.  "I'm sure you realize just how protective this beast's hide can be,
Nuldrathen," the elf said as he and Soultaker grabbed hold of its skin on the
shoulders and began to pull.  The tearing sound of the skin being pulled away from
the flesh made Nuln sick to his stomach, which he marveled at considering all the
sickening things he'd witnessed or endured in his life.  "I believe there will be
enough skin here for two suits of armor, once I've treated the leather."
     Nuln looked down at his own impressively spiked plate armor and shook his head.
"Keep it," he stated flatly.  "I don't need the reminder that that thing almost
killed me."
     "I'll take it," Soultaker was quick to chime in.  "I could use a good set of
armor to show off when I'm hanging around with the Sentinel."
     "Don't you mean Death Stud," both Armalias and Nuln said together.
     "That's what I said," Soultaker replied.
     Three days later Armalias had finished working his magic on the suits of leather
he'd taken from the Tarrasque's hide.  He'd dispatched Ivan and Pikel to deliver
Soultaker his suit, and was finishing some final touches on his own, added some studs
and spikes he'd acquired from various bony protrusions on the beast.  He thought the
green leather would be spectacular in battle, by its very virtue turning most spells
and all but the most magical of weapons.
     He turned to regard his work on the horn that Nuln had used to strike the beast
down as well.  The carving was coming along quite well now that the shaping had been
finished.  Nuln himself had asked Armalias what he could fashion out of the makeshift
weapon; he'd wanted something to remember the battle by after all, but not armor.
Armalias had offered up a spear in exchange for Nuln's closing of his Chaos Gate.
Nuln had agreed, but only if Armalias would be able to craft an item of exceptional
quality from the horn.  And so the elf had begun his work.
     The very tip of the horn, having been bathed in the blood and immersed in the
brain of the Tarrasque, Armalias had wisely left alone.  The rest of the curving
horn, however, he had trimmed down to the size of a long spear.  He'd made sure that
he did not follow the grain of the horn, and instead had made sure the shaft was
perfectly straight.  Once he had the shaft at the length and circumference he wanted,
he began carving the story of the creature's into the long shaft.  He was a master at
this sort of work, but it still took a lot of time, and so he would likely not be
finished with it for another week, but it was nearly done and he knew that the Gate
would be closed off soon.
     He couldn't help but wonder if they'd be getting another surprise from the gate
beforehand, despite Nuln's assurances to the contrary.  It wouldn't be the first (or
likely last) that the powers of Chaos had assailed Aradi...it seemed to be happening
more and more all the time.
     Nuln watched the swirling mists in his Gate for another hour and then another,
tirelessly waiting for the delivery he knew would come soon.  'If only that stupid
elf hadn't been here, I'd be in business,' he thought.  'Then that stupider squid
showed up and ruined everything.  How do I explain to my friend Raven that I lost her
Tarrasque for her and that its now dead.  Permanently dead.'
     His thoughts drifted to other things so that after another several hours had
passed, he was surprised by the sudden appearance of the package he'd been waiting
for.  He stepped forward and opened it, reading the note inside the large chest.

     It would seem that our partnership is at end.  Your incompetence has all but
ruined me and my efforts to lead the retaking of Alastari for my people.  When next I
see you, it will be as enemies.  Never forget that I kill my enemies.  All of them.

     The Chaos Lord chuckled at the twists and turns of life on Ghea, and how much he
loved the Chaos of it all.  He nodded his head, changing sides once again.  It was
how he survived, always siding with the winner.  It was his gift.  Before now, he'd
seen that the Folstrom were coming back, and that they were going to win.  But now
that he'd seen that stupid elf and that stupider sailor working together, willing to
put their differences aside for the better of all, the tide had shifted.  The battle
was far from won, but he knew who the victor would be.
     "And to the victor goes the spoils," he said.
     The mists in his Chaos Gate continued to swirl.

                                      SPY REPORT

     Like the magnificent Sun, rising upon the Dawn and exiling the Night for a Day, 
I, Novgorodny Vir, return once again!  Nothing is certain in ARADI, with changing 
loyalties, changing Duelmasters.  Write this down:  new top team--DEATH STUDS VII.  
Like a chunk of francium heaved into a wet pond, WIMPS OF DEATH blew up the rankings 
to 25!  The boys at WING HOVE aren't the happy-go-lucky bunch we all know and love, 
after suffering a 11 drop last week.  Thinking about sending their team manager to 
the Dark Arena is LOCK-OUT, after suffering a 15 drop in ranking.  Good things come 
to those who fight well, as I'M WITH STUPID can attest, moving up by 8.  I doubt many 
are quaking in their boots, but MALAGUAR'S MINIONS comes out of nowhere to get 4-1-0. 
What does the future hold?  Watch this space...  RED AVENGERS had cause to celebrate, 
after ANGRY SUE got 21 points by beating BUSH.  Win some, lose some.  Speaking of 
which, DERRIN was winsome, after beating MC CAIN and seeing him lose 13 points.  You 
could cut the tension with a scimitar as GAZREKK of DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 met the 
Duelmaster.  Those who hoped for a new Duelmaster were disappointed by GAZREKK, of 
DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2, who despite a 13-7-2 couldn't overcome ARADI's Number 1.  So 
who's the team that's been walking into taverns last week and ordering milk?  Sounds 
like a PR stunt to me.   
     And how sociable are ARADI's warriors?  Come, let us see.  Like a horde of 
jackals fleeing from the lion, so did the "warriors" in ARADI avoid THE UPSTARTS III. 
The warriors of THE UPSTARTS III found their efforts at combat frustrated as DARQUE 
AGES apparently had more important things to do than fight.  If challenges were 
horses, SHARP STICK could open up a fast food joint!  Place your bets!  OBITER DICTA 
is the long shot of the week:  they challenged QUICKSAND, up by 29.  The gods smiled 
upon OBITER DICTA, in his upset fight against QUICKSAND.  OBITER DICTA gets a win, 27 
points, and a free drink on me.  (Next week, OK?)  
     Like the wind whispering among the pines, do hearest I many disquieting rumors.  
Admittedly Death waits for no one, but me thinks ONE EYED GIANT of JIVE STEP BUNCH 
(2-0-0) is being sent off a little prematurely.  MAUI WOWIE! of MY BEST BUDS 2, 
possessing a sorry record of 4-5-1, lost hers last battle to INNOCENT of DARQUE AGES. 
Young warriors, take note!  Such is a failure's lot!  Congratulations, ANGRY SUE.  
The manager of POWER BROKERS should have sent BUSH to the Dark Arena for having a 
8-6-1 long ago.  More than one waitress at The Blind Cyclops Inn was spilling more 
drinks than usual last week, as BLUD's early demise became known.  What will 5 BELOW 
ZERO do???  Perhaps OGRES ARE US' manager was intending to send SOMFMA to the Dark 
Arena in the first place, seeing as how bloodfeud has nearly expired.  How true is 
DARQUE AGES' mettle?  Just one week remains for the avenging of ANASTASIUS' death.  
Questions are being raised about the disposing of severed body parts in the arena.  A 
certain tavern in ARADI would I avoid!   
     Do not think spyreporting in ARADI is the highlight of my life.  As the seasons 
change, and the creatures of the wild change also, so do I feel a yearning to leave 
this place.  Do not despair!  I shall return!-- Novgorodny Vir  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 LIGHTNING IX 4866            11   4  2   184       DEATH STUDS VII (301)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 THUNDRA 5122                 20  13  1   133       FA CHING (388)
-RATTLESNAKE SHAKE 4242       20  12  0   132       METAL MELTDOWN (344)
 SIR ZESTALOT 6557            14   5  0   116       4000 BLOWS (107)
-RIFF 6452                    12   6  3   116       SWIFT CURRENT (468)
 OBITER DICTA 5860            11   8  1   104       LEGALESE (449)
 SKA KING CRAB 7106           14  10  0    99       JIVE STEP BUNCH (551)
 KABOOM 6248                   8   0  0    99       RED AVENGERS (487)
 LORD OF THE O RINGS 6022     22  11  1    98       WILD CARDS (148)
 BRAK 94                      14  10  1    95       THE UNDERWORLD (15)
 ACUTE 6048                   14   8  0    95       THIEVES GUILD (396)
 HEADROCK 3430                18  17  0    93       OGRES ARE US (270)
 GAZREKK 6438                 13   7  2    92       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 SIRIUS 6193                  17  23  1    91       RED DOG GANG (476)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-MALOCH 7033                  13  10  0    90       STORM GUARD (546)
 WINKER X 6470                12  11  0    90       4000 BLOWS (107)
-WON TOO MANY 5892             7   3  1    90       SAAB STORY (389)
 NAPPY DUGOUT 6080            15  15  1    88       WILD CARDS (148)
 NEWCASTLE 6669               10   5  4    88       BEERBARIANS (528)
-TRANSCENDENTALISM 6547       15   8  0    87       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
 WHITE RAVEN 6484             12   9  1    86       SHADOW SIGNS (491)
 ACK ACK 837                  10   6  2    86       THE UNDERWORLD (15)
 BLACKBURST 5025              13  14  0    85       FA CHING (388)
 AVIENDHA 4721                18  21  0    84       FA CHING (388)
-GUMMI GHOUL 6411             10   4  1    82       THE UPSTARTS III (510)
-BLACK EYE 6163               13  10  0    81       JOKA MASHER! (283)
 TRIPLICATE THUNDER 6616      10   8  0    81       WILD CARDS (148)
 THE AYL'M'ER 6056            13  14  1    80       4000 BLOWS (107)
 QUICKSAND 6554               13   7  1    79       NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
 SICK PUPPY 5959              12  13  1    78       ARADI'S DEAD (393)
 LLUGS AND LLISSES 5887       11   8  1    77       LUROCIANS VI (431)
 TALON 6736                    7   3  0    77       WING HOVE (529)
 DEMURRER 5828                13  10  2    74       LEGALESE (449)
-KORWYN 7032                  12  11  0    72       STORM GUARD (546)
 BLUE BEANIE 6461             11   9  1    72       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 SMIRLIN 6568                 12  11  0    70       OGRES ARE US (270)
-WARAGEN 5573                 11   3  0    68       SAAB STORY (389)
 LACHES 5642                  12  14  0    67       LEGALESE (449)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 DERRIN 6952                   6   1  0    66       WING HOVE (529)
 ANGRY SUE 6955                5   3  1    66       RED AVENGERS (487)
 THORNE 5259                  11   4  0    65       FA CHING (388)
 SUPERNOVA 6239                6   2  0    65       RED AVENGERS (487)
 KARATE WRECKER 6693           5   9  0    64       THIEVES GUILD (396)
 NOODLES 6247                  4   4  0    64       RED AVENGERS (487)
 ROSENCRANTZ 6786              6   5  0    63       BLACK FRIARS (521)
 HENRY IV 6899                 6   4  0    62       BLACK FRIARS (521)
 TOGS STINKER 6588             9   5  0    61       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
-IRREVOCABILITY 6549          12   9  1    60       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 MISTRESS BOMBTRONIC 6617     11   7  1    59       WILD CARDS (148)
 CYVIN 5258                    9   8  1    58       FA CHING (388)
 WIND 5906                     9   4  0    57       FIVE SPHERES (462)
 SANDSTORM 6813                7   3  0    57       NATURAL DISASTERS (159)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SYDA HAMMIE 6667             11   5  0    56       OGRES ARE US (270)
 CYCLONE 6816                  6   4  0    54       NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
 LEO 6837                      6   2  0    54       DARQUE AGES (536)
 MARBURY 4499                 11   9  0    52       LOCK-OUT (368)
-SCABBY 6514                  11   8  0    51       BLOOD RELATED (395)
 MURRAY 6661                   8   6  0    51       POWER BROKERS (527)
 GOURMET GRUEL 6730            7   6  0    50       R.J.G. (475)
 GODFREY 6354                  6   6  1    50       ARADI'S DEAD (393)
 HELMS 6660                    9   6  3    49       POWER BROKERS (527)
 PIPSQUEAK 6810                7   4  0    48       WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
 LLUCKY DAY 6021               7   5  0    48       LUROCIANS VI (431)
 MC CAIN 6662                  9   6  0    47       POWER BROKERS (527)
 DREK 836                      7   9  0    47       THE UNDERWORLD (15)
 LLUPERIOR LLORCES 5956        7   5  0    46       LUROCIANS VI (431)
 ZERBERT 6243                  6   2  0    46       RED AVENGERS (487)
 SON OF BLOODLUST 6823         9   2  0    45       4000 BLOWS (107)
 SPONGEBOB 6504                9   5  0    45       R.J.G. (475)
 HERROL 6694                   7   4  0    42       WING HOVE (529)
 MARDUK 6863                   4   5  1    42       FACES OF ETERNITY (539)
 TYPHOON XXII 6827             8   1  0    41       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 GOLDFISH 6718                 7   7  0    41       SHADOW SIGNS (491)
 TWISTER 6114                  8   7  0    40       ARADI'S DEAD (393)
 DUNNO 6988                    4   2  0    40       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 FRUB 6794                     6   6  0    38       WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
 TAY STARLE 6808               4   5  2    38       WING HOVE (529)
 MOON BABY 6187                4   3  0    38       ARADI'S DEAD (393)
 SHARP STICK 6949              4   4  0    38       I'M WITH STUPID (531)
-WURL POOLE 6799               3   1  0    38       SWIFT CURRENT (468)
 HOSCHA 6835                   6   4  0    36       OGRES ARE US (270)
 EDDIE THE ECHO 3770           4   3  1    36       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
-RIP RAP 6599                  7   6  0    35       SWIFT CURRENT (468)
 FREEP 6812                    6   5  0    35       WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
 ANGRY SANTA 6828              6   3  0    35       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 VIKEN 6943                    5   3  1    35       LOSERS (544)
 IKER 6505                     8   6  0    34       R.J.G. (475)
 INSISTANT BEGGAR 6630         7   5  0    34       BUMS 'R' US (465)
 4-FT PARTY BONG 6908          5   4  0    34       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 JAMAICAN GOLD 7039            3   0  0    34       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 BARON 6765                    8   5  1    33       LOCK-OUT (368)
 FLORIN FALCONHAND 5750        5  11  0    33       FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
-ANDROGENOUS STRAIN 6412       5   8  0    33       THE UPSTARTS III (510)
 INNOCENT 6838                 4   4  2    33       DARQUE AGES (536)
 STRANGLEMEELMO 6762           4   1  1    33       5 BELOW ZERO (532)
 QUETZACOATYL 6865             3   6  1    33       FACES OF ETERNITY (539)
 URLGEN THREE-FIST 7019        3   1  1    33       FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
 BING 6979                     6   1  0    32       I'M WITH STUPID (531)
 BONG 6980                     6   1  0    32       I'M WITH STUPID (531)
 GROVER 7004                   3   2  0    32       I'M WITH STUPID (531)
 SLIPKNOT 6674                 5  10  0    31       THIEVES GUILD (396)
 DICHABOD 6912                 4   6  0    30       THIEVES GUILD (396)
-MR OBLIVIOUS 6413             3   9  0    30       THE UPSTARTS III (510)
 GUILDENSTERN 6785             5   7  1    29       BLACK FRIARS (521)
 JAMIS 6735                    5   5  1    29       WING HOVE (529)
 VORPAL BUNNY 6731             5   8  0    29       R.J.G. (475)
 TWICKLEBUM 6992               3   3  0    29       WIMPS OF DEATH (66)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 PIKEL 5808                    7   7  0    28       FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
-RAVEN 2173                    7   5  1    27       SPIRIT SENTINELS (191)
 THE-SHOCKER 6824              4   5  0    27       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 WILDFIRE 6983                 4   2  0    27       NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
 DOVE FALCONHAND 5770          5  10  1    26       FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
 S.L.A.P.P. 6974               4   3  0    26       LEGALESE (449)
 NAMBY PAMBY 6977              4   3  0    26       WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
 T-MAC 6806                    4   8  0    26       LOCK-OUT (368)
 SCRAG 6972                    5   2  0    25       LOSERS (544)
 LANCELOT 6867                 3   6  0    25       FACES OF ETERNITY (539)
 HANGMAN 6761                  3   2  0    25       5 BELOW ZERO (532)
 FLAME 7017                    2   2  0    25       FIVE SPHERES (462)
 TOSSED SALAD 6987             3   3  0    24       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 SILVER BELLS 7014             3   1  0    24       SHADOW SIGNS (491)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-BLOODY HELL 6821              3   6  0    23       BLOOD RELATED (395)
-OBED 6831                     4   1  1    22       INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
 ORIGINAL SHOCKER 6959         4   4  0    22       WILD CARDS (148)
 ARKHAM 6832                   3   2  0    22       INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
 MR. NEGATIVITY 6764           2   3  0    22       5 BELOW ZERO (532)
-PIGGY 6655                    2   3  0    22       DARK TOGS (526)
 ASSHE-MASTER 7000             5   1  0    21       4000 BLOWS (107)
 PIP THE TROLL 6942            4   4  1    21       LOSERS (544)
 LEGS ANDARMS 7020             2   2  0    21       THIEVES GUILD (396)
 WATER 5905                    4   4  0    20       FIVE SPHERES (462)
-SANDY BEACH 6957              3   2  0    19       SWIFT CURRENT (468)
 HELL MARY 6760                3   2  0    18       5 BELOW ZERO (532)
 ZYLLEIX'S SHADE 6939          1   7  0    18       SHADOW SIGNS (491)
 XXX 6975                      5   2  0    17       SHADOW SIGNS (491)
 GRAFFIX 6909                  4   5  0    17       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 SANCHO 7097                   3   2  1    17       JIVE STEP BUNCH (551)
-WILLOW 6659                   2   3  1    17       DARK TOGS (526)
 FLICKED BOOGERS 6989          3   3  0    16       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 URBAN 7035                    3   0  0    16       DARQUE AGES (536)
 NERVOUS TIC 6638              2   0  0    16       BUMS 'R' US (465)
 TELESPHORUS 7071              2   0  0    14       DARQUE AGES (536)
 TOGS REPLACEMENT 7045         1   1  0    14       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 VOLCANO 7048                  1   1  0    14       NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
 THOMPSON 6970                 3   4  0    13       POWER BROKERS (527)
-55 SUCKS MORE 6956            1   3  0    13       JOKA MASHER! (283)
 ZANN 6830                     2   4  0    12       INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
 TRUST FUND BABY 6951          0   2  0    12       BUMS 'R' US (465)
 WEED 4 MOM 6984               2   5  0    11       LOCK-OUT (368)
 VICIOUS RUMOR 6981            2   5  0    11       R.J.G. (475)
 Z=ENTER THESE 7079            1   0  0    11       MALAGUAR'S MINIONS (550)
 JARLAXLE 7066                 1   0  0    11       MELEE-MAGTHERE (549)
-MARSH 6829                    2   3  1    10       INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
 IVAN 7043                     2   1  0    10       FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
 LIMPY LIMPY 7046              1   1  0    10       LUROCIANS VI (431)
 QUEENIE 7093                  1   0  0    10       RED DOG GANG (476)
 LOTUS BLOSSOM 7080            1   0  0    10       MALAGUAR'S MINIONS (550)
 INDIMAR'S FAXMACHINE 7013     0   4  0    10       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 SPED 6803                     0   2  0    10       BUMS 'R' US (465)
 THE FRENCH 7011               2   3  0     9       LOSERS (544)
 TA'LON THE VILE 4447          2   3  0     9       THE UNDERWORLD (15)
-IAGO 6997                     2   2  0     9       BLACK FRIARS (521)
 MAIMONIDES 7010               2   3  0     9       FACES OF ETERNITY (539)
 RYLD 7067                     0   1  0     9       MELEE-MAGTHERE (549)
 VAJRA HAMMER 7076             1   0  0     8       MALAGUAR'S MINIONS (550)
-BALLROOM BLITZ 7016           1   0  0     7       METAL MELTDOWN (344)
 VERDICT 7069                  1   1  0     7       LEGALESE (449)
 X=WHERE'S MY BEER? 7077       1   0  0     6       MALAGUAR'S MINIONS (550)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083              1   0  0     6       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
-SHEELON 7026                  1   1  0     6       STORM GUARD (546)
 ERIK THE RED 7041             1   2  0     5       FACES OF ETERNITY (539)
 TOGS DIXIE 7084               1   0  0     5       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 VOHDE 7040                    1   2  0     5       FIVE SPHERES (462)
 TERRA 7018                    0   4  0     4       FIVE SPHERES (462)
-SQUIRTY JOE 7008              0   4  0     4       THE UPSTARTS III (510)
 POWER TEMP 7082               1   0  0     3       ARADI'S DEAD (393)
 LOUKMAD 7042                  0   3  0     3       OGRES ARE US (270)
-KRAG 7025                     0   2  0     2       STORM GUARD (546)
 MANAGER 7094                  0   1  0     1       LOSERS (544)
 ANASTASIUS II 7117            0   1  0     1       DARQUE AGES (536)
 PRETTY BOY 7091               0   1  0     1       RED DOG GANG (476)
 PHYDEAU 7092                  0   1  0     1       RED DOG GANG (476)
 DISCOCHIMP 7051               0   1  0     1       BUMS 'R' US (465)
-BONE TAGGER 7074              0   1  0     1       THE UPSTARTS III (510)
-BLOOD SUCKER 7036             0   1  0     1       BLOOD RELATED (395)
 Y=GET ME THIS ONE 7078        0   1  0     1       MALAGUAR'S MINIONS (550)
 R'LYEH 7081                   0   1  0     1       INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
 ULFGANG 7064                  0   1  0     1       MELEE-MAGTHERE (549)
-ROCKY BANKS 7073              0   1  0     1       SWIFT CURRENT (468)
 ARTEMIS 7068                  0   1  0     1       MELEE-MAGTHERE (549)
 DUKE 7090                     0   1  0     1       RED DOG GANG (476)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD               W  L K TEAM NAME             SLAIN BY             TURN Revenge?
BLUD 7012              3  1 0 5 BELOW ZERO 532      QUETZACOATYL 6865     331         
ANASTASIUS 6839        4  1 2 DARQUE AGES 536       BARON 6765            328         
HAMMURABI 7009         1  1 0 FACES OF ETERNITY 539 TAY STARLE 6808       328         
OLIVE RUSKETTLE 7006   0  1 0 FORGOTTEN REALMS 185  MARSH 6829            327 NOT REVE
DA MATERIAL 7125       0  1 0 HIT ME WITH... 503    MARINE TROLL 18       331 NONE    
THE BRICK 6342         8  3 0 HIT ME WITH... 503    NEWCASTLE 6669        330         
CRAP 7089              0  1 0 I'M WITH STUPID 531   BORED ELF 19          331 NONE    
NUMSKULL 6751          4  3 1 I'M WITH STUPID 531   MARDUK 6863           328         
EXECUTIONER 7100       2  2 1 JIVE STEP BUNCH 551   ARNIE SHEW 21         331 NONE    
ONE EYED GIANT 7096    2  1 0 JIVE STEP BUNCH 551   STONE GOLEM 26        331 NONE    
PPAPPY 7072            0  1 0 LOCK-OUT 368          URLGEN THREE-FIS 7019 330         
NO POINTS 7119         0  1 0 LUROCIANS VI 431      JORGE BLACK ORC 20    331 NONE    
SIZZIR 7065            0  1 0 MELEE-MAGTHERE 549    ARENAMASTER HARKON 23 331 NONE    
SPIT 6435              5  2 0 METAL MELTDOWN 344    NAPPY DUGOUT 6080     330         
MAUI WOWIE! 6907       4  5 1 MY BEST BUDS 2 542    INNOCENT 6838         331         
MONKEY'S PAW 7038      1  1 0 MY BEST BUDS 2 542    INNOCENT 6838         330         
SOMFMA 6797            6  3 0 OGRES ARE US 270      GODFREY 6354          328         
BUSH 6663              8  7 1 POWER BROKERS 527     ANGRY SUE 6955        331         
BULL DOGGAM 6088      18 30 0 RED DOG GANG 476      RIFF 6452             328         
BOONE 6090            12 42 0 RED DOG GANG 476      RIFF 6452             330         
TEACUP TERRIER 6569    7 15 1 RED DOG GANG 476      VIKEN 6943            330         
GRANTURISMO 4821      16 11 0 SAAB STORY 389        THE AYL'M'ER 6056     329         
CHARON 1988           12 11 4 SPIRIT SENTINELS 191  WON TOO MANY 5892     329         
RAAM MANSLAYER 4306    2  5 0 THE UNDERWORLD 15     SPYMASTER 22          331 NONE    
POWER TEMP 6996        1  1 1 THE UPSTARTS III 510  MAUI WOWIE! 6907      327 REVENGED

                                     PERSONAL ADS

Insignificant Spotlight Writer -- Yep, I suck.  My record in Primus is below 500
because so many of my warriors went there before they even had 120 skills.  Winning
all those ADM and Eligibles TC's clearly marks me as a bad manager.  Why don't you
repeatedly challenge me in Primus, or at least tell me who you are so I can threaten
to actually fill out a strategy sheet.  (Screw Manager.) -- Guardian

Manager -- I am never giving you back your spine. -- Guardian

I blame Pip. -- Guardian

Nuln, my little chicken-choking child -- Wonderful ecstasy comes not from the sight,
but from the mind.  (And the actions!)  And, I can assure you that I get plenty of
exotic climatic experiences, Kiddo.  Now go back to your blankie and your little pet
hen. -- Pandora Of The Pretty Legs

Wimpie, Dearie -- So how are you doing? (wink) -- Pretty Pandora

Death Stud, you sexy Studmaster -- Then you'll be glad to know that my wooden paddle
has spikes! -- Lady Pandora

Is this the Aradi of old?  Minimal bloodshed in the arena.  More interest in plain
animals than killing?  A pittance of kills from the FTF!  Where have all the true
warriors gone?  Get me some blood, you piddly humanoids! -- Lady Pandora Stormme

Artimis -- Get with the agenda, Hubby!  Or else! -- Pretty Pandora

Anonymous Puzzle Solver At Large -- Close, but you forgot the additional Rocky
Mountain Oysters in the bucket--an old oaken bucket at that. -- Anonymous Puzzle

Voyde -- You correctly indicated that Beowulf is rather old, but you failed to
mention that Soultaker is older.  You can tell by the...well, by a whole bunch of
things. -- Professor

All -- This is just an obligatory ad in case I forget later. -- The Rage Man

DeGotti -- Thanks, I've got Brak in the training room now.  How may I repay you? --

Nuln -- Whatever?!? -- Genocide

Hey is it me or is Nuln got his nose buried in Snotman's....

     Dictionary? -- Ed.

Boone -- Heel, boy, heel. -- Brak

Zerbert -- I wasn't expecting scum; I guess I should use that challenge box. -- Drek

Death Stud -- Why change the name from 'Sails of Charon'? -- Genocide

Llugs and Llises -- Actually I was out classed, thanks anyway.  But I challenge who I
want, bonus for not being in TOGS. -- Drek

OUCH!! -- Ghoti

All -- What do you all have to say for yourselves letting me be top team for so long?
I'll let you draw your own conclusions.... -- Nuln the sadly disappointed

Vohde -- Ok, bucko, I see it's time to take the kid gloves off.  Either you pick it
up, or I ship you back to where I found you wasting away!  To Greenland! -- the
diminutive nuln

Red Dog Gang -- You should team up with the blue dragon gang and kick Guardian &
Barnabas' bootii (plural of booty).  Don't let those punks get off easy!  KILL!!!!
MAIM!!!! -- Nuln

Ed. -- By chance, would the leaders in the Booby Prize contest be the same people
whose spotlights always appear at the end of the spotlight section?  I was just
curious, 's all. -- Nuln the curious

     Not necessarily.  Some of those are simply ones which came to me but did not
     make it to ads. -- Ed.

Mr. Oakleaf -- I'm sorry, I just don't see it.  You come back and play with the other
boys next turn, else I be forced to enact a worse tale than yer subtle turkey
innuendo. -- the Duke of Nulnrovia (what?  bring it!)

Consortium -- It was a pleasure, as always, to have your assistance in the perennial
creaming of the DOA.  And this time we used absolutely no strategy, to boot!  So much
more the pleasure.... -- Nuln, who lives for the grudge

Soultaker -- Like the Creepster so skillfully pointed out, way to blow it w/Achondro,
Chromester.  Sheesh, a blind man with one leg tied behind his ear could have TC'd
w/that stud. -- Nuln, working in his licks while he still has the time

Rillion -- There you go again, DAing another perfectly fine warrior.  When will the
madness end? -- concerned citizens at the 4000 Blows Knitting Society

Tay Starle -- Great fight.  Being the son of Bloodlust, the original & legendary
Bloodlust to grace the Aradi arena, I'm not terribly surprised about the outcome.
Did I mention I purchased my ego at the same dealership as Guardian, except I got the
2003. -- Son of Bloodlust

Sick Puppy -- Now *that* was zesty.  Hello, favorite strategy, goodbye Sucksville! --
Sir Zestalot

Rosencrantz -- Specifically: very sharp, pointy scimitars.  They give me nightmares.
-- Son of Bloodlust
P.S.  Don't tell anyone though.  I have a reputation to maintain as the son of the
original, and yet legendary, Bloodlust.

Vohde -- After weeks of thought and research, I finally got your Beowulf joke.  I
think the rest of the arena suffered a similar problem.  Not your fault, just that if
it doesn't involve any sort of bathroom humor element, you're way over this crowd's
head.  Loved the spot, btw.  My favorite part, almost, was reading the word "Ciudad".
I don't think I've seen that word since social studies in Mrs. Richardson's 4th grade
class.  Bravo, Don Vohde. -- Nulnito

Rattlesnake Shake -- Tell Mr. P. Noble I owe him one.  ;)  You're on the list! --

Lightning IX -- Wasn't it cool when I dodged all those attacks?  Yeah, that was *not*
zesty, ok?  I'm telling you, it's the curse of the TV challenge.... -- Winker X

Teacup Terrier -- My father, I think.  I slept through a lot of it. -- still the Son
of Bloodlust

Vohde -- Like how I got us -5 on avoids AND lost my DM challenge?  25 points we'll
never see again.... -- Nuln, not bitter or anything

Indimar -- Like everything with the FONZ, it's all about the comedic value.  The hope
actually is that he'll make an ass out of himself & then we can all laugh at him
(something I'm very good at doing [both making an ass out of myself AND laughing at
others who do]). -- Nulnrover

D. Studicus Minicus -- That's funny, every time I go to the Judge and tell him that
Wormtongue told me to do it, I still go to the hoosegow.  I hope the giant hand of
Karma strikes him down with a mighty bitch slap. -- Nuln

Snotman -- Have you been ghost-writing Soultaker's personals recently?  Again, just
curious.  I know you two have that outward display of hostility, but I wonder if
behind the scenes true love exists. -- Nuln

Snotticus Mannheimaramer -- What are you, the filing guru?  If you're using the
Cartesian filing system, which all of Canada does (and they are the filing vanguards
of the world), then 'The Upstarts' would be filed under 't'.  Even if you don't
challenge him again, the once was plenty to last me a while.  Maybe try doing it
again T@#$ VIII or so. -- Nuln

Da Gotti -- Did you call Indimar for those fax machine instructions? -- Nuln

CFH -- That...<pause>...was bad.  I think you should lose 50 points for that p. ad.
-- Nuln

Manalger -- Where's the nit-picky-nitty-gritty-down-'n-dirty T@#$ stats?  I liked
your story, but you will always be called Manalger. -- Nuln Meany

Nuln -- Carrying me the entire TOGS wasn't enough of a challenge?  You had to go for
the -5 handicap to be sporting? -- Voyde

Death Stud/Soultaker -- Great turn!  I bet you guys wished for the symmetry of team
7.  Nuln wins almost all of his fights and I balance him out. -- Voyde

Anti -- Got a better record than you! -- Voyde

Wimpy -- Got a better record than you! -- Voyde

All -- Let's see, better than Anti and Wimpy...anyone else...anyone?  Crap. -- Voyde

Rude Buddha -- Two challenges last turn?  You must have picked up on my weakness...
sucking. -- Voyde

Speaking of sucking, Ben Wa -- You suck so bad that you've developed buck-teeth! --

OK, which one of you managers kidnapped my warriors last turn? I know someone here
did it, fess up. -- DeGotti

Pip -- Looks like The Brick was the one that got panned! -- DeGotti

Pip -- I'm sure Soultaker is going to believe that that was all your fault. --

Soultaker -- What can I say, good minions are hard to find and at least Malaquar
preformed the task with, shall we say, a certain over-eager zealousness.

All -- Well, we are still in first...ok, co-first!  :P  Now to kick Rillion and TGG
back down where they belong! -- Shadowgate

Nuln aka The Karmic Joke -- Good try there but my replacement has worked out nicely.
-- Shadowgate

Death Stud -- Nice turn there!  I am just glad it wasn't during the bonus rounds! --

Barnabas -- So...filled with regret yet?  Got that coyote itch to gnaw yer arm off?
Don't worry, it'll fade after a couple of years.  :) -- Anti

Nuln -- Eh.  Yeah, you heard me: eh.  What ya gonna do about it, Colonel Chuckles?
Huh?! -- Anti, feeling all Anlti-ish

All -- Hi, my name is Yukon.  And though I walk through the gutters of Aradi (Hi,
Soultaker) I shall not fear the Ed.'s evil beat-down stick of correctness...again. --

     I'm telling you, I've been framed! -- Ed.

You're making things really hard on a pack of good dogs, you know! -- Ghosts of
Teacup Terrier and Boone

Smirlin -- Naturally I, the Dog Star, survived and WON. -- Sirius
P.S.  But it's lonely around our doghouse, er, guildhouse right now.

Riff -- You're obviously a Bad Man.  Everyone who hates dogs is Bad. -- Ghosts of
Boone and Bull Doggam

Son of Bloodlust -- I WAS, in my true life, a terrier small enough to fit into a
teacup.  As the arena did not have a negative SZ, I was forced to appear larger than
my true dimensions.  Now, however, I will once again fit into the teacup, because
ectoplasm is so compressible. -- Ghost of Teacup Terrier

Ed. -- There are limits, even for a dog. -- Ghost of Boone

     Really?  The things you learn.... -- Ed.

TGG -- Way to go!  We are now tied for first place.  Too bad I've lost us so many
points otherwise we would be there all by ourselves.  Oh well, at least we can claim
a share of glory for a brief moment before we choke. -- Rillion

Hombre -- Wow and I thought I was a dead weight dragging my team down.  Looks like
you got stuck with a bigger anchor than TGG! -- Rillion
P.S.  I look forward to breaking your other ankle this year...softball during TOGS
has been known to be dangerous....

DeGotti -- Unfortunately for you, 0-0 gets you just as many points as your 0-5.  But
at least you did not give any of the other teams points this time. -- Rillion

Sir Zestalot -- You hate me?  You really hate me?!?  It's good to finally be
acknowledged by my lesser. -- Gazsallyfieldsrekk

Nuln -- There was no way the RUGS could spit in my eye for Tyvinrek's DA.  I do not
believe it is possible to get a worse replacement then Tyvinrek.  Fortunately the
RUGS were kind and gave me a good TOGS Replacement.  Unfortunately they decided to
have some fun and replace TOGS Loser with another loser. -- Rillion

Freep -- What makes you think I am not THAT good against everyone? -- Guildenstern

Rip Rap -- Sorry about those bruises -- Rosencrantz

Blue Beanie -- Thanks for the skills, but I must say, I was surprised you had that
much to teach me. -- Henry

Barnabas -- Shaman.  Hombre.  Ganolus.  Anti.  All "hot" managers at one time that
the FONZ brought in hopes of boosting their BOB-like tourney performances.  Where are
they now?  Riding Death Stud's back like all the rest of the members of the FONZ.  Do
not let yourself fall into the complacency and laissez faire'ness of the FONZ!  Stick
with what got you there! -- Manager
P.S.  Before anyone gets on my case, I only threw Anti in there so he wouldn't feel
left out.

The Creepster -- Thanks!  It will be a pleasure to make you and the rest of the peons
that run here miserable for the next three months while I am on top. -- Manager

Death Stud -- You know I love the FONZ in that little brother sort of way, but I must
say that cheery, happy message of encouragement you sent to your alliance mates about
their tourney was appalling.  It's time to stop the love-fest and crack that whip!
Sink or swim!  Step up or step out!  TC or suffer the consequences!  You get the
idea. -- Manager

Freep -- For godsakes man, give up.  I was sure there was no way you could take that
kind of damage. -- Graffix

Pip The Troll -- I was not sure I could overcome but in the end I feel honored to
have been on the winning end with an experienced warrior who survived the Dark Arena.
-- Jamaican Gold

Twister -- That was truly frustrating. -- 4 FT Party Bong

Moon Baby -- Next time I will be better prepared to beat you, should we meet again.
Wanna burn one? -- Maui Wowie!

For the love of the gods, my funeral expenses are going to be out of hand if this
trend keeps up for my team here.  NEXT!!! -- Street Legal

Nuln -- I made that challenge for Tay Starle thinking Onepup would bloodfeud me
again.  I think I should have given it a little more thought.  Good to see you this
weekend.  Maybe Barnabas will spring for indoor plumbing if we keep hanging out
there. -- Indimar

     Indoor plumbing?  Whazzat? -- Ed.

Soultaker -- Thanks for noticing me--I think.  Every time you beat one of my
warriors, I am going to put ten dollars in the send Barnabas to Soultaker's fund. --

Spongebob -- You aren't really all that spongey. -- Herrol

Barnabas -- Don't think for a minute I didn't notice you beating down a couple of my
warriors in the tourney.  I'm just glad you weren't proxying my guys.  Not that I
think you would have abused the power...much. -- I.F.

Snotman -- Great to meet you.  I had no idea you were so, what's the word I'm looking
for?  Slick.  I do have to admit that Talon was not nearly so thrilled to have met
LORD OF THE O RINGS.  He is still having to eat standing up.  OUCH! -- Indimar

Hombre -- Sorry you are the loneliest TOGS contestant.  If it's any consolation, your
game rocked the other night. -- Senor Fallon

Graffix -- Nice challenge.  Notice how well I teach when I win. -- Freep

LLucky Day -- How lucky can you be when get to fight someone you know you can beat?
I was unlucky.  I had you in the last minute then I slipped and fell. -- Frub

Typhoon 20 Something -- I did manage to get you desperate before I stumbled and fell.
-- Namby Bamby

Derin -- You were trying to kill me, weren't you?  I'm sorry I taught you so much. --

Sandy Beach -- A very even match up.  I could have done better if you had given me a
chance to get in at least one swing. -- Twicklebum

Snotman -- Heard about the Asian Bird Flu epidemic.  Hope you haven't lost any loved
ones. -- Concerned Team 7

Demurrer -- Well that challenge sure didn't work out well for me.  I'll try again
when I get a little faster. -- Lluperior Llorces

White Raven -- That was just too easy.  If you want a rematch I'll be in Free Blades
soon enough. -- Llengeance

Frub -- I almost looked stupid for making that challenge.  Guess it's my... -- Lucky

All -- I had a great turn last cycle.  Sooooo, that means that I'm destined to
failure and loss of warriors this turn. -- Master Darque

     But at least you accept your destiny. -- Ed.

Consortium -- Thanks for pleasure of your company. -- Soultaker

Snotman -- Nah, it's not worth it the effort. -- Soultaker

Indimar -- I tried everything.  I even showed them a copy of "Ernest Goes to Camp",
but they still took him. -- Soultaker

Manalger -- It was not that I was tired, just bad management. -- Acondroplasia

Hello? -- Dreihdenflahg

Crazy Creepster -- Believe me, it was our pleasure that you chose to join us for some
grudge match fun.  And thanks a billion for the strat against Triumph.  I know that
it's not even close to a record, but 640 minutes beats my personal longest fight by
about 580 minutes! -- Snotman

Consortium Folk -- Yeah, that Soultaker couldn't manage a warrior out of a wet bag.
If you weren't spoonfeeding him advice the whole tourney he probably wouldn't have
even managed a TV with Achondroplasia. -- Snotman

Nuln -- Yeah, I guess it is all Pip's fault. -- Snotman

Nuln -- Hmmm, I don't know how that slipped in.  At first I had a couple of daisies
and bluebells but I knew that Ed would censor them (with her eraser of undoing) so I
did some self censoring.  I guess that slipped through unnoticed. -- Snotman

     And next time you're going to end up with the eleventh century vowel shift.  I'm
     watching you, bucko. -- Ed.

Anti -- Actually, you are off the hook.  I blame Pip for the points we lost last turn
(which, cough, cough, wasn't really much worse than your previous turns). -- Snotman

CFH -- Don't listen to Ed., he's just a fuddy duddy.  Getting censored is a like a
badge of courage.  Personally I use the shotgun approach to censorship.  Throw in
enough stuff and sometimes it will get through. -- Snotman
P.S.  Can anyone tell me why Hombre's warrior Kabuki Joe got censored?  Does it mean
something really dirty and sick that I just don't know about?  If so, send me the url
and I'll check it out.

     You can't blame the warrior names on me, so if you find out, let me know too. --

Destitute Noble -- Well that sucked for both of us.  As you can tell, I had
absolutely no desire to kill Spit and I don't look forward to the bloodfeud.  Please,
let me off easy and only kick the crap out of Nappy D once. -- Snotman
P.S.  That was some of the most impressive parrying from the ground with a WH I've
ever seen.

TGG, Rillion, Pip, Yukon, Creepster, Manager, Degotti & everyone else I talked to at
the face -- I had a blast and I don't just mean the DM part.  Thanks for making it a
wonderful weekend. -- Snotman

Indimar -- Nice to meet you, chummer.  Now you fraggin well better put me in your
next spotlight or I'll be forced to geek you in my next spot! -- Snotman

Degotti -- Looks like I got Panned. -- the Brick

Elephant -- Please challenge more, I need some more easy wins. -- Pip
P.S.  Never met a MidnightFoundation'er I couldn't kick the living dung outa.

Ganolus -- You suck.  Where am I gonna get my easy wins now?  There's only so much
Elephant to go around. -- Pip

Winker X -- A very closely fought battle with the outcome never sure 'til the very
end.  It's a good thing that I had my best strategy that fight.  Without it, all
would have been lost.  I salute you! -- Lightning IX

Newcastle -- Thank you for being respectful of the contest in progress, you chump. --
Death Stud

Quetzacoatyl -- A nice try, but the random jumbling of letters that comprises your
name was a serious disadvantage in that fight.  Sensible ordering of consonants and
vowels is an important factor in the outcome of fights like that.  See mine, for
instance. -- Angry Santa

Flicked Boogers -- Nice try, punky brewster.  Tell that Troll boss of yours to stay
in his league.  How did I feel to you? -- The-Shocker

To "those we've yet to face" -- I hope you've left enough room in your stomach,
because we're going to ram our fists into them! -- Faces of Eternity

The Greek Guy -- Guess you thought that was going to be an easy challenge victory.
You thought wrong. -- Demurrer

Shadowgate -- You know, things have a way of coming full circle.  It's TOGS IV karma.
You have had early success, but we will have to see how things go with a few more
challenges your direction. -- Legalese

Nuln -- Glad you like being an AMTV.  You are keeping the ratings up. -- Judge

Indimar -- Spotlight, what spotlight? -- Elephant

Snotman -- I think I get it now.  Thanks for the advice.  I guess sick minds think
alike; check out the third installment of 24 for good old fashioned prostate fun
(sort of). -- CFH

Ed. -- Ha!  As if I need help.  I wish I had a nickel for all the potty-mouth letters
and the times I got slapped upside the back of my head with the delete key.  If I
did, when I finally make it to a face the trip would be paid for! -- CFH

     Instead, I get all the nickels.  Hmmm...no wonder I'm not rich, I need to start
     demanding quarters! -- Ed.

Angry Sue -- What are you angry about?  You won. -- Hell Mary

Silver Bells -- See what blind challenges get you? -- Hangman

All -- This will be my last TOGS.  Funny is funny, but some of you people are...
disturbed. -- Armalias

Ed. -- Please. -- Armalias

Ghoti -- I'm trying, I'm really trying. -- Armalias

     Guardian -- You are SOOOO lucky that stuff was running late because people were
     out of town for a convention.... -- Ed., who THOUGHT everything was done early
     P.S.  But I forgive you because I'm sure it was Pip's fault.

16 January 2004
                                    CHAOTIC WINDS
     Once, long ago, the four Winds of Time descended upon Alastari like a TEMPEST of
epic proportions, they slew everything within their all-encompassing reach.  They
left nothing.  In their wake lay smoldering ruins.
     In their haste they sped towards the center of this great land like a colossal
giant would step across an ocean.  The four storms picked up momentum on their way
towards each other.  A collision was eminent.
     The first storm wind, the oldest and wisest of the four was named APEXALUS.  The
second, FLAGGSTAFF, was the quickest and loudest entity ever created.  The third Wind
of Time was MATRIATIN, neither old or young, quick or slow, but fierce and feisty all
the same.  The forth wind, ASSAMITHIUS, the youngest yet most creative in its means
of destruction.
     When finally they merged at the center of ALASTARI, an incredible destructive
explosion occurred.  And when the smoke and debris cleared they were one.  CHAOS was
     And Chaos spread across the diminished lands reeking havoc and doom with its
passing, and destroying allover again that which already lay in ruin.

F E A R    C H A O S    I N C.

28 January 2004
All -- I send out this invitation to all teams and managers.  A new Alliance has been
formed.  The Living Essences Alliance is being formed to join forces in an effort to
eliminate common foes and to help the joined warriors grow and learn to the best of
their abilities by offering suggestions and advice.  It doesn't matter what arena
you're in, or if you're in another alliance already, as of today.  This Alliance is
open to one and all!  If you are interested in joining, please DIPLO me, or send a
personal ad to DM 93's newsletter.  If you wish to join beyond March 2004, send a PA
to DM 82.  Come join the fun! -- Dagan LifeGiver, mgr. Shadow Warriors (DM 93)

28 January 2004
This notice is to formally introduce our young alliance, CHAOS INC.  We consist of
APEX, FLAGG, MATRIX, ASSAMITE, and now RUDE BUDDHA.  If we aren't already there, we
WILL be coming to an arena near you soon!  Hope to see you all at the ZALCON II.

4 February 2004
Greeting from Jhans, DM 36 -- In 2 turns the kLk will host our first annual "St.
Valentines Day Massacre" in Jhans, arena 36.  (Kill Contest)  The contest will begin
on turn 450.  It will run for 10 turns.  On turn 461 the winners will be announced.
There will be 3 separate categories, the team with the most kills, the alliance with
the most kills, and the warrior with the most kills.  For the manager of the team
with the most kills a PRIZE of 10 ROLL-UPS will be rewarded (or $50 deposited into
his account).  No need to declare yourself in the personals.  If you are in DM 36,
you will be part of the contest whether you like it or not.  We encourage as much
trash talk as you'd like.  All teams, managers, and alliances invited.  Please
contact Polarius (mgr. of Blitzkrieg) in DM 36 with questions.  Or you can email me
at jamieptmo@hotmail.com.  Good luck and see you in the sands. -- Polarius

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

RAAM MANSLAYER was butchered by SPYMASTER in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
EXECUTIONER was dealt death by ARNIE SHEW in a 2 minute brutal Dark Arena duel.
ONE EYED GIANT was easily killed by STONE GOLEM in a slow 3 minute Dark Arena match.
NO POINTS was butchered by JORGE BLACK ORC in a 1 minute gory Dark Arena contest.
CRAP was assassinated by BORED ELF in a 1 minute bloody Dark Arena match.
SIZZIR was butchered by ARENAMASTER HARKON in a popular 1 minute Dark Arena duel.
DA MATERIAL was killed by MARINE TROLL in a 2 minute bloody Dark Arena brawl.
BARON was overpowered by URLGEN THREE-FIST in a 1 minute uneven Bloodfeud melee.
MAUI WOWIE! was viciously butchered by INNOCENT in a 2 minute gruesome Bloodfeud duel.
WINKER X was savagely defeated by LORD OF THE O RINGS in a 4 minute Challenge duel.
HENRY IV beat SON OF BLOODLUST in a popular 1 minute gory Challenge melee.
WHITE RAVEN was demolished by SIR ZESTALOT in a 2 minute mismatched Challenge match.
HEADROCK was devastated by THUNDRA in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge battle.
GAZREKK was handily defeated by LIGHTNING IX in a 1 minute Challenge Title conflict.
KABOOM vanquished THE AYL'M'ER in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge bout.
OBITER DICTA vanquished QUICKSAND in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fray.
AVIENDHA was unbelievably bested by ACUTE in a 2 minute veteran's Challenge brawl.
DEMURRER was beaten by SIRIUS in a popular 1 minute veteran's Challenge bout.
LLUGS AND LLISSES viciously subdued LACHES in a 2 minute Challenge competition.
NOODLES was overpowered by TRIPLICATE THUNDER in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
TALON overpowered LEO in a 1 minute uneven Challenge fray.
GUILDENSTERN was handily defeated by PIPSQUEAK in a 1 minute Challenge contest.
TOGS STINKER luckily beat MURRAY in a exciting 6 minute gory Challenge duel.
TYPHOON XXII unbelievably bested FLORIN FALCONHAND in a 2 minute Challenge fight.
SANDSTORM savagely defeated LLUCKY DAY in a action packed 8 minute Challenge match.
HELMS won victory over TAY STARLE in a 2 minute Challenge fray.
GOLDFISH was overpowered by KARATE WRECKER in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fray.
SUPERNOVA handily defeated LLUPERIOR LLORCES in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
TWISTER was overpowered by ROSENCRANTZ in a 1 minute uneven Challenge duel.
WIND savagely defeated HERROL in a exciting 5 minute gory Challenge match.
DERRIN overpowered MC CAIN in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
ANGRY SUE executed BUSH in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fray.
MARBURY was viciously subdued by SMIRLIN in a 3 minute veteran's Challenge duel.
JAMIS was subdued by SHARP STICK in a 1 minute Challenge struggle.
SILVER BELLS was outlasted by FREEP in a 12 minute novice vs. veteran Challenge fray.
DICHABOD slimly won victory over PIKEL in a crowd boring 21 minute Challenge match.
MR. NEGATIVITY was beaten by JAMAICAN GOLD in a 2 minute Challenge duel.
THE-SHOCKER was beaten by BONG in a 2 minute Challenge competition.
WILDFIRE subdued HELL MARY in a 2 minute Challenge competition.
TOGS REPLACEMENT lost to NAMBY PAMBY in a 2 minute Challenge match.
LANCELOT overpowered THE FRENCH in a 1 minute uneven Challenge battle.
GRAFFIX lost to PIP THE TROLL in a 5 minute Challenge struggle.
TELESPHORUS subdued INDIMAR'S FAXMACHINE in a 1 minute Challenge conflict.
TERRA was viciously subdued by FLICKED BOOGERS in a 5 minute gory Challenge conflict.
VOHDE was outwaited by XXX in a unpopular 19 minute Challenge match.
ERIK THE RED was unbelievably bested by IVAN in a 2 minute Challenge conflict.
URBAN beat THOMPSON in a 4 minute Challenge fight.
TA'LON THE VILE was demolished by ORIGINAL SHOCKER in a 1 minute Challenge fight.
FLAME overpowered ZYLLEIX'S SHADE in a 1 minute uneven Challenge bout.
LIMPY LIMPY was defeated by LEGS ANDARMS in a 1 minute Challenge competition.
VOLCANO subdued VICIOUS RUMOR in a exciting 3 minute brutal Challenge conflict.
VERDICT subdued LOUKMAD in a 1 minute novice's Challenge fight.
BLACKBURST was viciously subdued by BRAK in a exciting 6 minute master's contest.
ACK ACK was subdued by SKA KING CRAB in a 2 minute battle.
NEWCASTLE was bested by KHALHUMS DWARF in a 2 minute bloody fight.
SICK PUPPY was luckily beaten by NAPPY DUGOUT in a 2 minute master's battle.
BLUE BEANIE bested CYVIN in a 2 minute bout.
THORNE defeated DREK in a popular 5 minute gory master's duel.
GODFREY was bested by MISTRESS BOMBTRONIC in a 3 minute conflict.
GOURMET GRUEL devastated SCRAG in a popular 1 minute one-sided bout.
SLIPKNOT was outwaited by ANGRY SANTA in a unpopular 15 minute match.
TOSSED SALAD was demolished by SPONGEBOB in a 1 minute one-sided conflict.
SYDA HAMMIE devastated VIKEN in a 1 minute one-sided fight.
FRUB outwaited INSISTANT BEGGAR in a crowd boring 20 minute match.
CYCLONE vanquished AMBITIOUS GUARD in a popular 2 minute gory one-sided bout.
ZERBERT outwaited MARDUK in a exciting 14 minute brutal duel.
DOVE FALCONHAND was demolished by GROVER in a popular 1 minute one-sided duel.
4-FT PARTY BONG devastated SPED in a crowd pleasing 1 minute uneven match.
HOSCHA savagely defeated ASSHE-MASTER in a exciting 3 minute gory match.
IKER was overpowered by STRANGLEMEELMO in a 1 minute one-sided fight.
EDDIE THE ECHO bested WATER in a crowd pleasing 1 minute duel.
SANCHO was beaten by TWICKLEBUM in a 1 minute conflict.
BLUD was murdered by QUETZACOATYL in a 1 minute uneven match.
T-MAC was bested by HANGMAN in a 2 minute battle.
DUNNO overpowered VORPAL BUNNY in a 1 minute uneven fight.
MOON BABY handily defeated ZANN in a 2 minute gruesome mismatched match.
BING demolished WEED 4 MOM in a 4 minute one-sided duel.
S.L.A.P.P. overpowered TRUST FUND BABY in a 1 minute one-sided conflict.
ARKHAM overcame CULT MEMBER in a 1 minute conflict.
MAIMONIDES unbelievably bested ANASTASIUS II in a 4 minute novice's match.
NERVOUS TIC viciously subdued PRETTY BOY in a popular 3 minute novice's match.
RYLD was defeated by VAJRA HAMMER in a exciting 2 minute beginner's match.
JARLAXLE devastated Y=GET ME THIS ONE in a 1 minute one-sided bout.
LOTUS BLOSSOM overpowered DUKE in a 1 minute uneven duel.
R'LYEH was savagely defeated by ZIG-ZAG MAN in a exciting 1 minute beginner's duel.
POWER TEMP luckily beat ULFGANG in a unpopular 5 minute novice's competition.
TOGS DIXIE subdued MANAGER in a popular 4 minute bloody novice's bout.
Z=ENTER THESE handily defeated DISCOCHIMP in a exciting 1 minute gory one-sided fight.
PHYDEAU was savagely defeated by X=WHERE'S MY BEER? in a 1 minute novice's duel.
QUEENIE vanquished ARTEMIS in a 1 minute uneven contest.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|STRIKING ATTACK                 37         STRIKING ATTACK  165 - 148 - 10      53  |
|LUNGING ATTACK                  34         TOTAL PARRY      134 - 126 -  1      52  |
|TOTAL PARRY                     29         WALL OF STEEL     49 -  48 -  1      51  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                 18         AIMED BLOW        52 -  52 -  0      50  |
|BASHING ATTACK                  14         LUNGING ATTACK   173 - 192 -  5      47  |
|WALL OF STEEL                   13         PARRY-LUNGE       22 -  26 -  3      46  |
|AIMED BLOW                      12         SLASHING ATTACK   79 - 102 -  7      44  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      6         BASHING ATTACK    49 -  68 -  5      42  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    4         PARRY-RIPOSTE     16 -  25 -  1      39  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     3         PARRY-STRIKE      19 -  34 -  1      36  |

Turn 331 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

WALL OF STEEL      9 -  4     BASHING ATTACK     6 -  8         4  STRIKING ATTACK
STRIKING ATTACK   22 - 15     LUNGING ATTACK    14 - 20         3  WALL OF STEEL  
TOTAL PARRY       17 - 12     AIMED BLOW         4 -  8         2  LUNGING ATTACK 
PARRY-LUNGE        3 -  3     PARRY-STRIKE       1 -  2         1  SLASHING ATTACK
                              SLASHING ATTACK    5 - 13         1  PARRY-LUNGE    
                              PARRY-RIPOSTE      1 -  3     

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
STRIKING ATTACK  LIGHTNING IX 4866          11   4  2  184 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
WALL OF STEEL    THUNDRA 5122               20  13  1  133 FA CHING (388)
LUNGING ATTACK   SIR ZESTALOT 6557          14   5  0  116 4000 BLOWS (107)
PARRY-LUNGE      LORD OF THE O RINGS 6022   22  11  1   98 WILD CARDS (148)
SLASHING ATTACK  QUICKSAND 6554             13   7  1   79 NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
PARRY-STRIKE     LLUGS AND LLISSES 5887     11   8  1   77 LUROCIANS VI (431)
BASHING ATTACK   DEMURRER 5828              13  10  2   74 LEGALESE (449)
TOTAL PARRY      BLUE BEANIE 6461           11   9  1   72 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
AIMED BLOW       LEO 6837                    6   2  0   54 DARQUE AGES (536)
PARRY-RIPOSTE    TWISTER 6114                8   7  0   40 ARADI'S DEAD (393)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is NAPPY DUGOUT 6080.  The most popular warrior this 
turn was MURRAY 6661.  The ten other most popular fighters were BLACKBURST 5025, DREK 
836, SANDSTORM 6813, WIND 5906, WINKER X 6470, THORNE 5259, HOSCHA 6835, SMIRLIN 
6568, LORD OF THE O RINGS 6022, and AVIENDHA 4721.

The least popular fighter this week was PIKEL 5808.  The other ten least popular 
fighters were DICHABOD 6912, INSISTANT BEGGAR 6630, FRUB 6794, VOHDE 7040, XXX 6975, 

The following warriors will travel to ADVANCED DUELMASTERS after next turn:

ACUTE (60-6048) THIEVES GUILD (396)