DUELMASTERS NEWSLETTER
Date : 02/27/2004 Duedate: 03/11/2004
ARADI ARENA
DM-60 TURN-332
This Weeks Top Honors
THE DUELMASTER IS
LIGHTNING IX
DEATH STUDS VII (301)
(60-4866) [12-4-2,199]
Chartered Recognition Leader Unchartered Recognition Leader
LIGHTNING IX LEO
DEATH STUDS VII (301) DARQUE AGES (536)
(60-4866) [12-4-2,199] (60-6837) [7-2-0,66]
Popularity Leader This Weeks Favorite
BLACKBURST EDDIE THE ECHO
FA CHING (388) DEATH STUDS VII (301)
(60-5025) [14-14-0,98] (60-3770) [4-4-1,35]
THE CURRENT TOP TEAM
(-1)
TEAMS ON THE MOVE TOP CAREER HONORS
Team Name Point Gain Chartered Team
1. FA CHING (388) 42
2. FIVE SPHERES (462) 36 RED AVENGERS (487)
3. DEATH STUDS VII (301) 33 Unchartered Team
4. LOCK-OUT (368) 32
5. NATURAL DISASTERS (159) 32 5 BELOW ZERO (532)
The Top Teams
Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K
1- 1*MALAGUAR'S MINIONS (550) 4 1 0 80.0 1/ 2 NATURAL DISASTERS (159) 13 2 0
2/ 3 RED AVENGERS (487) 32 18 1 64.0 2/ 1 DEATH STUDS VII (301) 13 2 0
3/ 4*5 BELOW ZERO (532) 18 12 2 60.0 3/ 6*DARQUE AGES (536) 11 4 2
4/ 5 I'M WITH STUPID (531) 32 23 1 58.2 4/ 4 RED AVENGERS (487) 11 4 1
5- 7 LUROCIANS VI (431) 97 75 6 56.4 5/ 3 WILD CARDS (148) 10 5 1
6/ 8 SAAB STORY (389) 104 81 8 56.2 6/ 9 WIMPS OF DEATH (66) 10 5 0
7/15*DARQUE AGES (536) 24 19 5 55.8 7/15 THIEVES GUILD (396) 10 5 0
8/ 0*I HATE THEM (480) 5 4 0 55.6 8/ 5 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 9 6 0
9/ 6 POWER BROKERS (527) 43 35 6 55.1 9/ 7 I'M WITH STUPID (531) 9 6 0
10- 9 JIVE STEP BUNCH (551) 76 63 8 54.7 10/ 8 4000 BLOWS (107) 8 7 0
11-11 SWIFT CURRENT (468) 87 76 8 53.4 11/11*5 BELOW ZERO (532) 7 8 1
12/12 NATURAL DISASTERS (159) 576 507 19 53.2 12/25 FIVE SPHERES (462) 7 8 0
13/13 WIMPS OF DEATH (66) 526 465 30 53.1 13/37 FA CHING (388) 6 4 0
14/14 DEATH STUDS VII (301) 323 287 8 53.0 14/33 RED DOG GANG (476) 6 7 0
15/16 WILD CARDS (148) 694 630 26 52.4 15/20 FACES OF ETERNITY (539) 6 9 1
16/10 WING HOVE (529) 31 29 3 51.7 16/24 POWER BROKERS (527) 6 9 0
17/17 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 152 144 12 51.4 17/13 LEGALESE (449) 6 9 0
18/19 SHADOW SIGNS (491) 70 70 1 50.0 18/16 OGRES ARE US (270) 6 9 0
Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K
19/20 LOCK-OUT (368) 43 43 1 50.0 19/14 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 6 9 0
20/22 OGRES ARE US (270) 141 151 2 48.3 20-10 LUROCIANS VI (431) 5 5 0
21-23 METAL MELTDOWN (344) 272 299 21 47.6 21-23 ARADI'S DEAD (393) 5 5 0
22/24 THIEVES GUILD (396) 123 136 5 47.5 22/21 SHADOW SIGNS (491) 5 9 0
23/26 4000 BLOWS (107) 553 617 27 47.3 23/22 HIT ME WITH... (503) 5 9 0
24/25 THE UNDERWORLD (15) 52 60 5 46.4 24/19 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185) 5 10 1
25/30 FA CHING (388) 91 106 3 46.2 25/26 R.J.G. (475) 5 10 0
26-29*INNSMOUTH BROOD (535) 12 14 2 46.2 26/17 WING HOVE (529) 5 10 0
27-32 ARADI'S DEAD (393) 110 136 5 44.7 27-27*MALAGUAR'S MINIONS (550) 4 1 0
28/28 HIT ME WITH... (503) 19 24 0 44.2 28/18 BLACK FRIARS (521) 4 8 0
29/33 BUMS 'R' US (465) 121 153 0 44.2 29/34 LOCK-OUT (368) 4 10 0
30-35 BEERBARIANS (528) 13 17 4 43.3 30/12*LOSERS (544) 4 11 1
31/27*LOSERS (544) 19 25 2 43.2 31-28 SWIFT CURRENT (468) 3 2 1
32/34 LEGALESE (449) 59 78 3 43.1 32/31 BUMS 'R' US (465) 3 10 0
33/36 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 21 29 1 42.0 33-35*DARK TOGS (526) 2 0 0
34/38 BLACK FRIARS (521) 35 53 3 39.8 34-30 METAL MELTDOWN (344) 2 3 0
35/39 R.J.G. (475) 67 105 1 39.0 35/32 THE UNDERWORLD (15) 2 7 1
36/41 RED DOG GANG (476) 224 382 3 37.0 36/44 THE UPSTARTS III (510) 2 7 0
37/43 FIVE SPHERES (462) 24 41 1 36.9 37/43*MELEE-MAGTHERE (549) 2 8 0
38/40 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185) 63 109 3 36.6 38/ 0*I HATE THEM (480) 1 0 0
39/42 THE UPSTARTS III (510) 25 44 3 36.2 39-36 BEERBARIANS (528) 1 1 1
40/44 FACES OF ETERNITY (539) 16 34 2 32.0 40/40 SAAB STORY (389) 1 1 0
41-45*DARK TOGS (526) 5 11 1 31.3 41-41*INNSMOUTH BROOD (535) 1 2 0
42/46*MELEE-MAGTHERE (549) 2 8 0 20.0 42-42 JIVE STEP BUNCH (551) 1 3 0
'*' Unchartered team '-' Team did not fight this turn
(###) Avoid teams by their Team Id ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank
TEAM SPOTLIGHT
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ SCHOLARSHIP TIDBITS FROM TOGS ROUND 8 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
(Part 1)
The FONZ is instilled with complacency and laissez faire'ness.
Guardian has a winning record over the last 3 TOGS rounds.
Zig Zag Man wears an earring, and long hair bandanna.
The FONZ is all about the comedic value. (Real funny!)
Ben Wa has buck teeth.
Greekguyowyn is an unnecessarily long name.
Three sleds blew up in Aradi recently.
Never bob for anything with The Greek Guy behind you.
Snotman ghost writes Soultaker's personals.
Snotty also spoons with sheep heads.
Twit is green at the gills.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ SCHOLARSHIP TIDBITS FROM TOGS ROUND 8 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
(Part 2)
Death Stud is The FONZ brain trust.
Rillion DA'd another perfectly fine warrior.
Snotlings, like snails, despise salt.
Nulnito finally got the Beowulf joke. (Two weeks?)
Lord Death Stud lost his Ganolus.
Onedawg is a dark figure with a fiery gem.
Lady Pandora's wooden paddle has spikes.
That's not a saddle horse. Grab the mane!
The ugly broad believes it is Pepe's fault.
Gourdian's ego is like a brick wall.
Ghoti has ammoniated, anemic, apoplexied, amnesia.
It's all a mish-mosh of images and sound.
Wimpy's mind is pure parchment blank.
Kabuki Joe got censored?
Aunt Rhody was mistaken. The goose IS!
Life in a box is better than no life at all.
Tight buttocks require 50-75 crunches daily.
Ganolus is not in the book.
Rude Buddha has a wife to avoid.
This will be Armalias's last TOGS.
Lydel is a rather nondescript city.
Guardian was late.
Nuln's magic red pills cure headaches.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ FOUR WORDS OF MIGHTYNESS ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
"And the question of the day is--what are the best four words in the world."
asked Manalger of the group sitting around in the aftermath of the Tempe Face. "The
one getting the right answer will receive 100 free roll-ups from my account!" Many
were excited to guess and there were various replies, as one might expect.
Hammer said, "That's easy, Dwayne. It's FAITH HOPE AND CHARITY,"
"Good answer, Hammer The Missionary, but it's not the very, very best." replied
Manalger. "Sorry, buddy."
Fandil The Wise, sitting nearby popped in with his prolific words. "Sire
Manalger of Mighty Scum, the answer most assuredly is HEALTH, HUMILITY, AND HONOR.
There can surely be none better."
"Another terrific answer. A really great one!" answered Dwayne The Dog. "But,
you know, guys, there are even better. There are."
"I've got it!" Sandy piped in, from her spot packing up the computers to take
back to the office. "But I don't really need the roll-ups, Dwayne; I'll just take a
gift certificate from Toys R Us for my daughter. The answer must be KIDS ARE SUCH
FUN. Pay up. Pay up!"
"Yeah, pay up, Manalger." yelled all the guys in the background
"Sorry, Sandy, and you know how much I love you, but that simply isn't the best
answer. Really sorry." The Dog replied, with a rather worried look on his face,
hoping Sandy wasn't going to jinx his future roll-ups just out of spite. "I'll give
one more chance to somebody."
"That be me." interrupted Guardian. "There can be no doubt the words are BOOZE,
WOMEN AND SEX!"
Of course the crowd of guys roared at the obvious correctness of Guardian's
answer, and the outcry for Manalger to pay up was enormous.
"No way." Guardian, my friend, said Dwayne The Dog. "No way. For there is
really only one perfect answer to that best four word statement, and that answer is
PRIMUS GATEWAY TOURNAMENT VICTOR! You all know that's what I am. The greatest ever
in the whole wide world. The one and only to have ever achieved that feat! Amazing!
Yes, the best four words are PRIMUS GATEWAY TOURNAMENT VICTOR! Don't you all agree?
Of course you do!"
As everyone muttered and mumbled and called Manalger by every name in the book,
the parting shot could be heard by Guardian. "Pip, this is all your fault!"
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ T331 TOGS totals ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
TOTAL Turn 8 Turn 8 Turn 8 Turn 8 Turn 8
TEAM POINTS Fights Spots Ads Avoids DM
------- ------------------- ------- -- ------ ------ ------ ------ ------
TEAM 2 465 65 10 10
DEATH STUD / SOULTAKER
TEAM 3 433 35 10
SHADOWGATE / YUKON
TEAM 11 432 34 10
THE GREEK GUY / RILLION
TEAM 14 400 48 5
RAGE MAN / DEGOTTI
TEAM 8 344 20 5
ELEPHANT / SIR INDIMAR
TEAM 4 336 53 10
WIMPY / JUDGE
TEAM 9 334 35 10
GHOTI / ARMALIAS SKYHAWK
TEAM 7 329 27 10
NULN / VOYDE
TEAM 6 312 29 10
DREIDENFLAHG / STREET LEGAL
TEAM 12 291 48 10 -5
ONEDAWG / MASTER DARQUE
TEAM 1 289 31 0
GANOLUS / HOMBRE (BEN WA)
TEAM 10 262 22 10
ANTI / SNOTMAN
TEAM 13 248 21 10
PIP THE TROLL / GUARDIAN
TEAM 15 206 20 5 -5
RUDE BUDDHA / MANNEQUIN
TEAM 5 73 14 0 -5
JACK WOLFSPIDER / CFH
=======================================================================
WARRIOR: WARRIOR:
WINNER: PNTS:
======== ========
======= =====
AVIENDHA was unbelievably bested byACUTE TEAM 1 7
GOLDFISH was overpowered by KARATE WRECKER TEAM 1 7
DICHABOD slimly won victory ovePIKEL TEAM 1 10
LIMPY LIMPY was defeated by LEGS ANDARMS TEAM 1 7
TOTAL: 31
GAZREKK was handily defeated by LIGHTNING IX TEAM 2 7
TYPHOON XXII unbelievably bested FLORIN FALCONHAND TEAM 2 10
SANDSTORM savagely defeated LLUCKY DAY TEAM 2 10
WILDFIRE subdued HELL MARY TEAM 2 10
VOLCANO subdued VICIOUS RUMOR TEAM 2 10
SLIPKNOT was outwaited by ANGRY SANTA TEAM 2 7
CYCLONE vanquished AMBITIOUS GUARD TEAM 2 4
EDDIE THE ECHO bested WATER TEAM 2 7
TOTAL: 65
JAMIS was subdued by SHARP STICK TEAM 3 7
THE-SHOCKER was beaten by BONG TEAM 3 7
VOHDE was outwaited by XXX TEAM 3 7
DOVE FALCONHAND was demolished by GROVER TEAM 3 7
BING demolished WEED 4 MOM TEAM 3 7
TOTAL: 35
OBITER DICTA vanquished QUICKSAND TEAM 4 10
GUILDENSTERN was handily defeated by PIPSQUEAK TEAM 4 7
SILVER BELLS was outlasted by FREEP TEAM 4 7
TOGS REPLACEMENT lost to NAMBY PAMBY TEAM 4 7
VERDICT subdued LOUKMAD TEAM 4 10
FRUB outwaited INSISTANT BEGGAR TEAM 4 4
SANCHO was beaten by TWICKLEBUM TEAM 4 4
S.L.A.P.P. overpowered TRUST FUND BABY TEAM 4 4
TOTAL: 53
IKER was overpowered by STRANGLEMEELMO TEAM 5 7
T-MAC was bested by HANGMAN TEAM 5 7
TOTAL: 14
MR. NEGATIVITY was beaten by JAMAICAN GOLD TEAM 6 7
GOURMET GRUEL devastated SCRAG TEAM 6 7
TOSSED SALAD was demolished by SPONGEBOB TEAM 6 7
4-FT PARTY BONG devastated SPED TEAM 6 4
R'LYEH was savagely defeated by ZIG-ZAG MAN TEAM 6 4
TOTAL: 29
WHITE RAVEN was demolished by SIR ZESTALOT TEAM 7 7
WIND savagely defeated HERROL TEAM 7 10
FLAME overpowered ZYLLEIX'S SHADE TEAM 7 10
TOTAL: 27
TALON overpowered LEO TEAM 8 10
DERRIN overpowered MC CAIN TEAM 8 10
TOTAL: 20
BARON was overpowered by URLGEN THREE-FIST TEAM 9 7
MARBURY was viciously subdued by SMIRLIN TEAM 9 7
ERIK THE RED was unbelievably bested byIVAN TEAM 9 7
SYDA HAMMIE devastated VIKEN TEAM 9 7
HOSCHA savagely defeated ASSHE-MASTER TEAM 9 7
TOTAL: 35
WINKER X was savagely defeated by LORD OF THE O RINGS TEAM 10 7
NOODLES was overpowered by TRIPLICATE THUNDER TEAM 10 7
SICK PUPPY was luckily beaten by NAPPY DUGOUT TEAM 10 4
GODFREY was bested by MISTRESS BOMBTRONIC TEAM10 4
TOTAL: 22
LLUGS AND LLISSES viciously subdued LACHES TEAM 11 10
TOGS STINKER luckily beat MURRAY TEAM 11 10
BLUE BEANIE bested CYVIN TEAM 11 7
TOGS DIXIE subdued MANAGER TEAM 11 7
TOTAL: 34
MAUI WOWIE! was viciously butchered byINNOCENT TEAM 12 7
LANCELOT overpowered THE FRENCH TEAM 12 10
TELESPHORUS subdued INDIMAR'S FAXMACHINETEAM 12 10
URBAN beat THOMPSON TEAM 12 10
BLUD was murdered by QUETZACOATYL TEAM 12 7
MAIMONIDES unbelievably bested ANASTASIUS II TEAM 12 4
TOTAL: 48
GRAFFIX lost to PIP THE TROLL TEAM 13 7
TERRA was viciously subdued by FLICKED BOOGERS TEAM 13 7
DUNNO overpowered VORPAL BUNNY TEAM 13 7
TOTAL: 21
HEADROCK was devastated by THUNDRA TEAM 14 7
KABOOM vanquished THE AYL'M'ER TEAM 14 10
SUPERNOVA handily defeated LLUPERIOR LLORCES TEAM 14 10
ANGRY SUE executed BUSH TEAM 14 10
THORNE defeated DREK TEAM 14 4
ZERBERT outwaited MARDUK TEAM 14 7
TOTAL: 48
HENRY IV beat SON OF BLOODLUST TEAM 15 10
HELMS won victory over TAY STARLE TEAM 15 10
TOTAL: 20
=======================================================================
The Studly One and Chromie have done it again! 85 Points, top team, top turn! What
else is there? Oh yah, the Scrod certificates, those will go out tonight. Team 3
(Shadowgate and Yukon), Team 11 (TGG and Rillion), and Team 14 (Rage Man and DeGotti)
are all still very much in this thing. I strongly suggest someone taking the throne
from Team 2 to stop the bleeding a little though. I mentioned the top 4 teams above,
but actually, most teams still have a shot with the multipliers coming up. Did you
forget? On turns 10 and 11 all points will be multiplied by 1.5. On turns 12 and 13
all points will be multiplied by 2. See y'all at the finish line!
-- Ganolus Oakleaf
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Fa Ching ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
DeGotti's Return: Part 9
Recap of part 8...
After finding the float area and talking with Nuln and both Wimpy and Destitute
Noble, DeGotti received his box of beads to throw from the float. Just as he was
heading back to the float, the "little red pill" started to kick in and the fun
really began.
I noticed that my speech was getting slurred and as I was heading back to the
float colors seemed more vibrant and objects had trails if I moved my head too fast.
I was examining my box of beads, they were very colorful and some had big dice on
them while some had small and others had tiny little heads between little silver or
gold balls.
I wasn't paying attention and nearly walked straight into Wimpy when I reached
the float.
"Whoah!" I said surprisedly. "Sorry about that Wimpy. I am feeling a tad
strange at the moment."
"Are you all right?" asked Destitute Noble
"Yeah," Wimpy chimed in, "you seem to have lost some color in your face since we
last saw you."
"I don't feel sick or anything, just a tad strange in the head." was my
response.
"Ok, float riders get on your floats." Nuln's voice rang out over the PA system.
Destitute Noble, Wimpy and I climbed up on the float with our boxes of beads.
After we were aboard, three sexy women wearing bikinis and carrying boxes of beads to
throw from our float arrived and they proceeded to climb on board as well. There was
a red head and two blondes.
"Hi," they said in unison.
"We're the designated bead thrower babes for the TOGS II winners float." the
long, red haired vixen said.
"Welcome aboard," I slurred with a smile, "I am DeGotti this is Destitute Noble
and over there is Wimpy."
They giggled and proceeded to get into the spots on the float that were
designated to them.
Just as they got into position a horn sounded and the floats slowly moved
forward. I was pretty excited to finally get this show on the road.
I reached into my box of beads and pulled out a few strands. I had in my hands
two strands with the little heads between small silver balls. As I examined them the
sun reflected off them into my eyes and when I blinked the faces that were on them
became those of Death Stud and Soultaker.
My eyes practically shot from my head as the little Death Studs and Soultakers
started to say, "Watch out for us! Watch out for us!"
I let out a shriek as I prematurely let the beads fly from my hands.
The other participants on the float stared and then started to laugh.
To be continued...
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Wimpy Gets Embarrassed, Again ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
About three years ago Wimpy received a gift from a loyal fan. A California Sea
Lion, or seal as Wimpy called it. A large argument had occurred when Wimpy had
called it a seal since in truth it really was a seal lion and not a seal. But no
matter how hard they tried; Wimpy still insisted it was a seal. He kept it in a
large tank in the rear of the practice arena. He spent a lot of his off time
teaching the seal (we will call it a seal since it is easier to type), how to do
tricks. He had it spinning balls on its nose and catching almost anything that was
thrown in its direction. Over the years Wimpy had become quite fond of his seal.
Now today, as Wimpy was gloating over his teams last turn, Frub burst into his
office without knocking yelling, "Hey boss, come quick your sea lion is sick."
"That's SEAL not seal lion Frub." Wimpy corrected. "What do you mean he is
sick?"
"Just come quick and see."
So Wimpy went out to the seal pool and there in fact was one sick seal lion.
His eyes were glazed. He was foaming at the mouth. He was just lying there by the
side of the pool looking very sick. "Get the Vet." Yelled Wimpy
It was only a few minutes later when the Vet arrived and went right to see the
sea lion. He gave him a careful examination. When he was finished he turned to a
very anxious Wimpy and told him the words he never wanted to hear: "Your seal is
doomed."
Later Wimpy was holding a meeting with the Judge and the Goose to discuss the
last round of TOGS. Wimpy was explaining that the 5-0 record for the turn was due to
his magnificent managing job. He explained how he had worked extra time with each
fighter to improve his or her individual technique. He continued to explain in
detail all the steps he had taken in improving each fighter.
Both the Judge and the Goose just sat and listened as Wimpy raved and ranted.
(It is normally stated as ranted and raved, but Wimpy always seems to get things
backwards.) Finally the Goose just couldn't take it any more. He jumped up flapping
his wings and honking loudly said: "Hold it. Hold it Wimpy. How can you take
credit when you know damn well that I am the one who went flying around all the other
team practices spying on them? The information I brought back helped each and every
one of your guys to overcome their opponents. It sure wasn't your hard work that did
the job. It was my hard work and some really sneaky stuff that I learned. You had
nothing to do with it. Do you have any idea how hard it is for a goose to sneak
around when all those chickens a strutting about? Those things are always pecking,
clucking and cock-a-doodle-doing. Anyone else would have been discovered sneaking
around when they made all that racket. But not me. I am a master sneak and without
me you never would have gone 5-0."
"Alright," Wimpy admitted, "you did help some and without the secret information
you got we wouldn't have done so well. But, it was really my challenges that did the
job. Without careful challenges a fighter hasn't got a chance. You have to really
study all the factors and then issue the challenges. You also have to make your
avoids with care. I think the major reason we went 5-0 was that I made some
fantastic challenges and avoids."
At this the Judge arose to his feet. (Judges always arise/arose. They never
just stand up.) "I'm not sure I can take much more of this. The Wimps went 5-0 and
you want to take credit for their success by telling us that it was your superb
challenging job that did the trick. Is that right?"
"Well challenging is a big part of obtaining success in the arena." stated
Wimpy.
"Right," said the Judge, "but not in this case. Take a look at the results
again. Not one of your Wimps got his challenge through. Everyone fought a random
match up. I can tell you for sure that if you keep managing like you have been, your
doom is sealed."
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Death Studs "BIG" Adventure -- By Ghoti ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Death Stud stood on a crate reaching into a cabinet for his growth potion. It
was made up specially for him by a Dr. Steele. The Dr. called it Magnus prattus'
solution and said it would make him grow. As he reached ever higher and higher into
the cabinet, he leaned just a little too far to the right. He unbalanced himself and
fell crashing to the floor where, half an hour later, he awoke.
Disgusted with his misfortune at being so short, Death Stud became inspired to
fix his problem once and for all. He was tired of all the short jokes. Tired of
having to use stools and ladders and crates to reach things normal people like...
ummmm...Nuln and The Creepster could reach with ease, he thought
Death Stud went to his library and climbed the ladder up to the second shelf.
He was looking for his book on heightening. There it was, right next to the book
called "The Advantages of Hairy Knuckles." It was a large book, 28 pages in fact.
It was full of information and illustrations on exercises and devices to help make
you taller. He carefully pulled it off the shelf and with it being so large, he fell
backwards off the ladder to the floor where, half an hour later, he awoke.
Death Stud awoke excitedly and began paging through the book. There it was,
page 19, "Thunkers". Just what he needed. But it took a special wood to make them.
Far off to the south of the continent on the southern tip of the Dragonspine
mountains. He knew it would be a long hard journey unless...unless....he got some
help and the only person he thought might help him was...GHOTI.
Death Stud packed up some food, clothes (including a loin cloth, even in the
wilderness, you never know who might be looking when you go swimming) some tools and
weapons along with the "Thunkers" book, put them in his Radio Flyer...and started off
towards Ghoti's place.
He reached the top of the hill just above his destination and decided to ride
down the rest of the way. He climbed into the Radio Flyer and gave a little foot
shove and off he went. Steering to dodge a rock here and there, he suddenly over-
steered and careened sharply to the left. The little wagon overturned throwing him
onto the cobblestone street in front of Ghoti's home where, half an hour later, he
awoke.
Death Stud got up and repacked his wagon and headed up the long walk to the
front door of Ghoti's abode. He knocked three times, waited, knocked three more
times and just as he was about to knock again, Ghoti opened the door.
"Good morning, sir!" exclaimed Death Stud.
"What can I do for you, Mr. Stud, and might I add you look refreshed today?"
asked Ghoti.
"Refreshed, yes, I take a lot of naps sometimes. Anyway, I came to ask a
favor," said Death Stud.
"Well, come in and tell me about it." said Ghoti.
Death Stud collected his book from the wagon and entered. After setting himself
on one of the floor pillows Ghoti had offered, he opened the book to page 19 and
showed it to Ghoti. "I want to make these," he told Ghoti. "I want to know if you
will take me to get the wood with your teleportation thingy?" he asked.
"Why should I help you with this?" Ghoti questioned. "You are an adversary,
after all."
Death Stud said, "Well, first off I admire you. You always have these
mysterious women lurking in and out. Mostly on Mondays and Thursdays I noticed."
"Mysterious women? Oh the cleaning ladies, you mean?" said Ghoti
"Cleaning ladies, right...nudge, nudge, wink, wink!" panted Death Stud. "OK
well, I also know you feel sorry for me. You made me stop eating all that food...
that helped me a lot with climbing things."
Ghoti rolled his eyes and then looked at the illustration in the book Death Stud
had handed to him. "Hmmmm...." mused Ghoti. "You want to make Thunkers' from the
Thunkerwood tree, interesting."
"Absolutely!" said Death Stud. "Not only to make me look big, I will sound big
too!"
"What will I get out of this?" asked Ghoti.
"Well, I could throw you a couple of fights sometime." said Death Stud.
"How big of you." Ghoti said annoyed. "Actually I can't go with you, but you
can collect something for me while you are there. I need one Curl-toothed briar
rabbit. If you catch me one and bring it back alive I will let you borrow my
teleporting marble. The rabbits are only found in the vicinity of the Thunkerwood
trees so if you find one, you will find the other."
With that, Death Stud jumped up excitedly, spit into the palm of his hand and
held it out for Ghoti to shake. Ghoti handed him a napkin.
To be continued....
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Smokey Delta Nights Part Two ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
"Tell me, Elephant, have you ever heard of the giant demon muskrat of Scrod
Plant Slough?" asked Indimar.
Elephant stood staring at Indimar as the question hung in the air between them.
Suddenly he turned and crossed the room to his desk. Reaching into one of the lower
drawers he fished out a bottle of scrodka and a pair of glasses. He returned to the
table where he poured a stiff shot of the slightly fish scented alcohol into each
glass, pushed one across the table to Indimar, and settled back into his chair and
said, "Why don't you start at the beginning?"
Indimar raised his glass and took a big gulp. In less than a second his eyes
began to bug out and his face went beet red as the fishy liquor seared out his
tonsils. Several minutes later, when most of the coughing and wheezing had passed
and Indimar was able to raise his head from the table, he did seem to be a little
more himself and was able to look Elephant in the eye without cowering away. "I
guess you should hear it from the start," said Indimar at last. After a much smaller
taste of his scrodka he began to relate his story to Elephant.
It had started normally enough. Just an afternoon ride out to the slough
country followed by an evening of gambling with Barnabas and a few of the Fonzites.
The ride out was uneventful until late in the afternoon when he came upon some kind
of musical contest while riding through the woods just a few miles from where
Barnabas lived. A banjo and guitar were throwing snatches of music back and forth
from off in the woods on either side of the road. Although he never saw the
musicians Indimar could hear them for quite some time. Just as the music had faded
to silence, it was shattered by the most horrible squealing he had ever heard.
Someone nearby must have been slaughtering a hog, and making a pretty sloppy job of
it judging by how long the squealing went on. Indimar was quite relieved to finally
spot the telltale streamers of smoke that meant he had arrived at the home of
Barnabas.
He found Barnabas and Nuln sitting in the parlor with a cloud of smoke hanging
over them. Wanting to keep a clear head for gambling Indimar turned down the scrod
plant stogie that Barnabas offered him and turned his attention to the refreshments
located on a side table. Indimar poured a glass of iced green tea and took a good
size plate of what seemed to be spinach dip with chunks of bread for scooping it up.
Indimar found the tea and dip to taste a little strange at first but the more he had
the better they seemed to taste.
Indimar found himself relaxing and enjoying the afternoon quite nicely. He was
so relaxed he must have nodded off and didn't realize that Hombre and Snotman had
arrived until Barnabas kicked him awake and told him to get his head off the table so
they could get ready for the game.
"This is where it gets kind of fuzzy," said Indimar as he paused from his
narrative. "I thought we were going to be gambling but it turns out we were doing
something called gaming."
"What the hell is gaming?" asked Elephant.
"Get this booze away from me and grab me another Scrodbucks and I'll try to
explain it."
Join us here at Wing Hove next turn for installment three of Smokey Delta Nights
This installment would be longer but it is storming here and I know my power will go
out any min
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ MY BEST BUDS 2 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Word reached the Isle of the Eye late in the first night of Street Legal's
arriving to ensure that Jade's move there had gone smoothly. He was a little worried
since it bore the seal of his team in Aradi. It seemed odd that they would send him
a message and since both he and Death Commander were on the Isle, the team was in the
hands of his newest warrior, and Uncle of Jamaican Gold. He quickly broke the seal
and unrolled the parchment, indeed it had come from Uncle Ziggy, as he had come to
know him. "I am writing you with a heavy heart this day," it began. Suddenly many
thoughts of what may have occurred filled his head before he even got to the next
line. "I know you entrusted me with your stable and I am very sorry to have to tell
you that Maui has passed on during her fight this week. Although such may not be the
case I cannot help but feel responsibility for this having occurred. And in my mind
I wonder if you or your trainer had been here if it would have happened. I endeavor
myself to remain ever vigilant of each of the other three to be sure that they deal
with this awful tragedy in an appropriate manner. Rest assured that though they are
not taking it very well that my eye will be ever watchful until your return. With my
condolences, Zig-Zag Man," it concluded.
The steely manager tucked it into his coat and headed straight over to Death
Commander's ranch. He banged frantically on the door, when he arrived, until Death
Commander answered the door. He apologized for coming so late, especially after his
trainer had just spent 14 minutes in a grueling fight, earlier in the day, with the
warrior Positive. He explained what had happened and told him that he was packing
his things and leaving immediately to return to Aradi. Although he assured Death
Commander his immediate presence was not necessary, the grizzled veteran insisted
that he would notify his staff on the Isle to watch over the ranch so he could return
with him.
Arrangements were made to catch the late night boat and transfer to Aradi.
Death Commander packed his stuff and the two climbed into the carriage back to Street
Legal's residence on the Isle, packed his stuff up, and they rushed down to the
docks, barely making it in time to catch the late night voyage.
They arrived back at Aradi and disembarked the ship. They hailed the first
carriage that came by and Street Legal offered the driver an extra 5 gold pieces if
he would get them there with the horses at full sprint the whole way. The driver
nodded his head and off the carriage sped. Although he was sure they were in good
hands, and well able to deal with the situation, he always took great interest in his
warrior's lives and he himself could not help but want to be there to grieve with
them.
They arrived at the guildhouse a few short moments later and he ran into the
guildhouse leaving Death Commander to be sure that all their stuff was unloaded from
the carriage. The trainer thanked the driver kindly and even gave him an extra 10
gold pieces for the ride.
Upon entering the guildhouse Street Legal was pretty sure he would find them
upstairs in what they had come to call, "The Smoking Room". And indeed there the
four of them were sitting quietly in a circle of chairs passing a small cigarette
like item between them. Before he could even say a word Zig-Zag Man stood up, walked
over, and shook his hand and apologized for what had happened. He assured the older
gentleman that this was part of a gladiator's life and that he should not feel
responsibility for what happened. After all it could happen to all five of them even
with both he and his trainer present. Ziggy nodded, then bowed, his head and
returned to the chair he had been sitting in.
Street Legal did his best to give the most consoling speech he could come up
with, but despite his best effort he wasn't even sure he had consoled himself. He
left them to themselves to console each other and headed for his study to begin
planning, and make arrangements, for the funeral. After which he himself went around
the town to post the fliers regarding their need for a new warrior. "As many
warriors as I have lost in my years this still hasn't gotten any easier," he thought
to himself. Upon return to the guildhouse he went to Death Commander's room and
asked him if he would please oversee the choosing of the replacement for Maui as he
thought perhaps if he left the decision to an experienced warrior perhaps there might
be better results in the end. Although he knew this seemed to be a prolonged string
of very bad luck, and not any fault of his, perhaps the best way to end the bad luck
here in Aradi was to allow someone else to take over the duties of choosing any
further new warriors.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
TOGS Wars: Chapter 89,265 Plus One - The FONZ Strikes Back!
By Rillion
The Icy Wastes North of Snowbound:
Rillion VodkaDrinker sat atop his llama taking frequent sips from his flask to
keep warm as he scanned the horizon. Seeing no signs of FONZ activity he rode over
to find The Greek Guy who was also out on patrol. "Hey Greeky, you see anything out
here?" he asked after catching up with the scruffy ship captain.
"Nope. I think this is all a waste a time, but at least it gives me something
to do while my ship is being repaired at the port base near Snowbound. How about
you? You ready to call it a day?" asked the Greek Guy.
"Yeah just about, I want to take make one more pass over the north ridge to make
sure everything is clear there before heading back to the base though. I'll meet you
there at the bar," said Rillion before heading north on his llama.
As Rillion made his way up the north ridge the wind picked up and started
blowing the snow around reducing the visibility. He sighed realizing the obscured
visibility would make his trip up here pointless. He was just about to turn back
when he heard a voice. "Rillion, you must finish your training. The midimajigers
are strong in your family and you are about our last hope." Rillion recognized the
voice, it was Ashe Master's voice. Rillion looked around frantically trying to find
the source of the voice. Finally he noticed fuzzy green image of Ashe Master barely
visible in the swirling snow. "You must go to Noblish Island to complete your
training. There you will find the Jerki Master Voyde and complete your training in
the ways of a Jerk. Oh and duck!"
"But why?" Rillion whined as a large hairy insectoid appendage clubbed him from
behind, sending him flying off of his llama.
The New Secret Base of the Non-Allied Allies Against the Allied FONZ Non-Alliance:
The Greek Guy sat at the bar nursing an alcohol-free, caffeine-free, fun-free
soda. He was starting to worry. It was not like Rillion to be this late to the bar.
After waiting too long he got up and went to check on his friend. After finding out
that Rillion had never reported in and was still out in the frozen wastes of north as
the sun was about to set, the Greek Guy saddled out a llama and rode out in search of
Rillion. As the doors to the New Secret Base of the Non-Allied Allies Against the
Allied FONZ Non-Alliance shut behind the Greek Guy, TigToad let a long and wailing
croak, "CRRRRROOOOOOAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKK!"
In an Ice Cave to the North:
Rillion woke to find himself hanging upside down in a ice cave. The side of his
face was bloody and disfigured (you would think from the smack he took upside the
head but rumor held that it was actually from a drinking accident). He looked around
and saw that his magical midimajiger powered saber was lying a few feet out of reach.
He reached out his hand towards the magical midimajiger powered saber and scrunched
up his face trying to look like he was concentrating really hard. The magical
midimajiger powered saber wiggled around in the snow a little bit then went flying
into his hand. He cut his feet lose, falling to the floor. He rolled up into a
crouch just as an IceJack Wolfspider came scuttling across the cave at him. There
was a shrill scream of pain as Rillion cut the IceJack Wolfspider in half with his
magical midimajiger powered saber. He stumbled out of the cave and back into the
swirling snow storm.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Yukon's T@%$ Spotlight #9 This Week in T@#$ part IX
Yukon: Hello everyone and welcome to "This Week in T@#$". This is your host Yukon
Cornelius along with his co-host Shadowgate.
Shadowgate: Hello everyone.
Yukon: Well, it has been a crazy week here in Aradi. Manalger is still on his mad
bombing spree trying to blow me into about a bazillion pieces. This week so far he
has blown up two more sleds, the MOD guild house, my three favorite bars, and a puppy
orphanage.
Shadowgate: What kind of sick bastard blows up a puppy orphanage?
Yukon: Clearly one that is unbalanced with rage. Anyway, I getting kind of bored of
all the stuff getting blowing up so I thought on this weeks TWiT should we would have
our very first call in poll.
Shadowgate: Hey, that sounds like a lot of fun. What is the topic?
Yukon: How would you kill me, Yukon Cornelius, if I made a fool out of you while I'm
here in Aradi.
Shadowgate: We should see a lot of action on the phones with that topic. Whoa...
look at that phone bank light up.
Yukon: Ok Caller, you're first. State your name and how you would kill me.
Soultaker: Hi, this is Soultaker and I would kill you by shoving a live snake up
your "BEEP" and then drag you through the streets of Aradi while it eats its way out.
Then I'd steal your nuts.
Yukon: Okay, first off I should have set up some rules. We can't say "BEEP" on the
show because the Ed. is already all over me. You can say "buttocks" if you need to,
but I warn you I had a double bean burrito for lunch so no one really wants to go
near that end of me. If your call had anything to do with shoving something up my
"BEEP" then hang up and think of something new.
Shadowgate: Half the people just hung up....
Yukon: Well, it is Aradi, after all. Okay, next caller.
The Greek Guy: This is the Greek Guy and after your lame comments about the BOB last
week we were all hoping that Manalger would blow you to bits. As far as how I would
kill you, I'd take you to one of my family gatherings and tie you up and then give
you an option of either "Bawang" or Death.
Shadowgate: "Bawang"? What's that?
Yukon: It's an ancient Greek male bonding ritual. In ancient Persia it was called
"Horcal" and its loose translation is "to do evil with".
The Greek Guy: That is correct. So what would you choose?
Yukon: Well, if I said "Death", what would happen?
The Greek Guy: Why death by "Bawang" of course.
Yukon: Youch...okay, next caller.
Rillion: Hi, this is Rillion. I'd kill you just like I did in my spot last week.
I'd let you sink to the bottom of the ocean to drown.
Yukon: Yeah...after drinking Light Beer, you jerk.
Rillion: What fun is it to kill you and not make you suffer? Oh and guys, remind me
never to go with the Greek Guy back to one of his family gatherings.
Yukon: We will. Okay, next caller.
Wimpy: Hi, this is Wimpy. I'm being made to call and tell you that some who shares
a name with radio show. He would like to see killed by boiling your body down to its
base elements and then pouring you into a large jar filled with Daisies.
Shadowgate: Wimpy, will you please tell that Twit it's not healthy to carry a
grudge. Look what it's doing to Manalger.
Wimpy: I will.
Yukon: Okay, next caller.
Death Stud: Hi, this is Death Stud. I'd kill Yukon by making him eat 1000 pounds of
Salty-Sweaty-Sticky T@#$ balls.
Yukon: Yuck. Why that?
Death Stud: Well, ever since I stopped advertising on TWIT, they just haven't been
selling like they used to. I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone this way.
Shadowgate: That's great, Death Stud, thanks. We are sure getting some good ways to
kill you.
Yukon: Yep. Let's take one more call.
The Rage Man: Hi this is Ma...wait...I mean this is The Rage Man. I'd kill you by
strapping dynamite to your lederhosen and then blowing you to hell.
Yukon: Um...'Rage Man', you know that Manalger is already trying to blow me up.
The Rage Man: It's just a matter of time before you go up in flames, fat boy. You
can't escape me...er...I mean Manalger...wait...I mean Manager...<click>
Yukon: Okay, that was the last call folks. The winner of the "How to kill Yukon
while he is in Aradi" contest is Shadowgate.
Shadowgate: Me! I didn't call in. How did I win?
Yukon: You win by making me join T@#$ and then sucking "BEEP" at it. You're killing
me here. Win some damn fights, you loser.
Shadowgate: It's not my fault. All of my guys look good on paper. It just that...
Yukon: ...you'er an idiot? Okay, folks that ends this show. Good luck out there.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Lurocians Reloaded ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Part IX
Sandeous rushed forward, her scimitar whistling through the air. I ducked under
the attack and dodged to the left. I unleashed my longsword in a blurring attack. I
was in shock as Sandeous was already gone as my blade neared my intended target. I
then felt a sharp pain on my leg and Sandeous' scimitar struck my left leg.
"You're thinking too much." Sandeous said.
"Well, it's kinda important to think when you fight, don't you think." I said as
I rubbed my leg.
"I don't mean don't use your head. I mean your actions are constrained by what
you think you can do. Remember this world is not real. What you can do in the real
world and here are not the same. You don't have to think you're faster, just be
faster." she replied.
"Oh, well that explains it all." I replied sarcastically.
"Let's go again." she said.
Sandeous raised her scimitar again and beckoned me forward.
Clear your mind and just act, I thought.
I switched to an aimed blow fighting stance. I put my sword away and assumed a
defensive posture.
"Show me what you got." I said.
Sandeous charged forward, scimitar blurring as it approached me.
I dodged to the side and threw a lighting punch at her head.
Sandeous rolled under the blow and unleashed her scimitar in a vicious attack
and my right ankle.
I vaulted over her attack and as I somersaulted over her I threw a roundhouse
punch at her head.
Sandeous jerked her head sideways and avoided the blow.
"Good." she said as she smiled.
Sandeous shifted into a striker stance and hacked downwards with her scimitar at
my right shoulder.
The blow came so fast I barely had any time to react. As I twisted away the
scimitar grazed my shoulder without penetrating deeply. Without delay I sent an
elbow smash towards her chest which, to my amazement, caught her full force.
Sandeous fell backwards avoiding some of the blow's power and rolled back to her
feet.
In the control room several people were amazed at our struggle.
"Did you see how fast his attack was?" Apex said to Rillion.
"Yea, pretty frickin amazing." he replied.
"Do you think its true then?" Apex asked.
"What?" Rillion asked
"That he's the Greywand, the one who will bring balance to this world and end
the fighting." he replied.
"It's possible, but I still don't know." said Rillion.
With that, their attention turned back to the fighting between Sandeous and Geo.
Sandeous smiled at the attack I had just made.
"You're learning." she said as she smiled.
"Let's see what else you got." she said as she charged forward yet again.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Darque Ages ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Darque went down to the common room of the Blue Boar Inn early the next morning.
He maintained the illusion of an elderly human man to keep the locals from asking too
many questions. Travel became difficult in this body, but it was a handicap that
Darque was willing to take to avoid detection. Not only did he need to keep the
citizens of Lydel oblivious to his presence, but there were always other elements in
Alastari that tried to keep track of the necromancer.
The common room was sparsely filled as Darque had expected to find it. He
assumed the Blue Boar Inn did most of its business at night when the workers were
coming home from the docks and the local shops had closed. Even so, a few patrons
had come for breakfast. The aroma of sweet bread wafted through the room. It was a
pleasant smell to Darque, though he was without a doubt a carnivore. A serving girl
was wiping down a few of the tables and spotted Darque as he came to the bottom of
the inn stairs.
"Well good mornin' to ya, sir! Did ya sleep well last night?" Her tone was one
of genuine interest and not the forced hospitality to which Darque was accustomed.
She smiled as she spoke and continued her work.
"Very well, thank you," Darque responded. He seated himself at an unoccupied
table and examined the occupants of the room looking for any peculiarities. He knew
he was being overly-cautious, but he did not want to take any chances. Though only a
few patrons were in the common room, Darque deduced that now was a good time to
gather some information on the spirit he had seen yesterday when he arrived in town.
He made a little small talk with the people in the room first. As they grew
more attuned to his presence, he began to delve into a bit more personal town
history.
"I noticed something odd when I first came to town yesterday. Either my old eyes
are playing tricks on me, or I thought I saw a young boy who wasn't wholly there. He
almost seemed transparent." Darque gauged the crowds reactions. He had made sure to
tear down their resistance to his questions by being as charismatic as possible. Now
he would sit and see if his work paid off. Most of the room did not miss a beat as
they related the sad tale of one Wilhelm Pellman; however, Darque did note a woman in
the corner. As the others gave hearsay and rumor, the woman in the corner said
nothing and hung her head. Not in shame or guilt, but in the simplest human emotion
of sadness. Darque thought she would be one to seek out later in the day.
From the fragments of stories Darque collected in the common room, he thought he
had pieced together a nearly complete tale of the apparition. One young Wilhelm
Pellman was killed nearly three months earlier in a freak accident. He ran from an
alleyway and was trampled by a surprised horse in the road. His family was
devastated, as would be expected. Darque gathered that the Pellman family had a
number of children, but only two had lived past infancy. Wilhelm was the younger of
the two, and his mother had died a few years earlier. Evan Pellman, his father, now
only had one child left, a teenage son named Marcus. Wilhelm had began appearing in
the street where he was slain days after his death. Rumor had it that he was also
appearing at the Pellman home. The ghost never bothered anyone, and it had become
somewhat of a common occurrence now.
The most interesting part of the story was not the tale of the young Pellman
ghost, but a twist that Darque did not expect and would require even further
investigation. Apparently on the same day that young Wilhelm died in the street, his
best friend Elsar Conrad was found murdered in the alleyway. Some believe that young
Pellman ran into the street because he saw his friend being murdered and was fleeing
for his life. Some have even speculated that Wilhelm was the murderer and was
fleeing the scene of the crime, only to meet a divine retribution in the street.
Darque decided that he would get the complete story. The would-be bards had
whetted his curiosity enough. His first steps would be simple. First, he would find
this sad woman he had noticed in the common room and see what part she played in this
tragedy. Second, he would go investigate the murder scene. It was going to be an
interesting week was all Darque could think as he got up from his table and bid the
patrons farewell.
To be continued....
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
----- ----- ----- Death Stud ----- ----- -----
A Day at the Park with the FONZ Tykes
The FONZ kids were trying to contain their bubbling excitement as they bustled
their way down the sidewalk. They had to be on their best behavior when Endora took
them to the park or she would march them straight home again. They were managing to
contain themselves, mostly. Except for Nuln, that is. Endora just didn't take any
chances with him any more after "the incidents." A kid-leash ran from a bracelet on
her wrist to a harness around Nuln's chest. He was straining at the leash like a
labrador and she gave the leash a jerk whenever he tried to dart out in front of a
wagon or cart. When they arrived at the park, Endora reminded the FONZlings once
again of the rules they were to abide by at the park, then set them loose. Ah, it's
a merry life to be a carefree FONZ tyke frolicking in the warm spring sun. They ran
and played and laughed like little tykes should and the sounds of their joy filled
the peaceful park.
For part of the time at the park, the FONZlings played with an old Frisbee they
found in the bushes. But Snotboy started showing off, claiming to be some sort of
Ultimate Frisbee uber-dork, and they had to beat him up. However, Studdie did have
to admit that it was pretty impressive the way Snotboy could ran at a full sprint,
leap from Ganolus' back and catch the Frisbee in his teeth while doing a backflip.
He would land square on all fours, disc in teeth, and run a victory circle around the
others before dropping the slobbery thing at the Studling's feet for another fling.
Inferno wasn't impressed, though, and kept trying to fake him out by pretending to
toss the Frisbee, but hiding it behind his back. Clearly Snotty had seen that trick
before.
The kids had to take a short break from playing after the merry-go-round. Nuln
had convinced them all to chug a full Clamato box drink each, then let him spin them
on the merry-go-round. Let me tell you, in the hands of an evil, pint-sized Chaos
punk, an innocent children's plaything can turn into a whirling wheel of shrieking
and flinging Clamato chunder in no time flat. A compelling lesson in the power of
centrifugal force. Nothing that a ten minute rest and some wetwipes from Endora's
purse couldn't remedy, but still not a pleasant scene.
The FONZ tykes' day at the park ended after Endora caught the kids playing in
the sandbox. She didn't have anything against the sandbox, really. It also wasn't
because the other kids had rolled Snotty around in it and then started taunting him
by calling him Sandy (I mean, who would want to be called THAT?!?). What finally
caused her to round up the unruly bunch and march them back to the FONZ daycare
facility was when she realized that Soultyke and Studdie had put their shovels and
pails to work as sandbox entrepreneurs. You see, there was quite a feral cat
population that lived around the park. Our two sandbox miners had apparently made
quite a killing getting the other kids' cookies in trade for the sandbox Almond Rocas
that they had dug up. When Endora finally noticed that the rest of the FONZlings
were gleefully chomping down their Almond Rocas, that was it. She rounded them all
up, robustly scolded the bald one and the short one, and herded them all back to the
FONZ daycare center under threat of telling their parents.
All in all, it had been a successful outing, though. Nobody needed stitches or
a splint, none of the children got lost, and all the local wildlife had escaped
unmolested. It's a merry life to be a carefree FONZ tyke frolicking in the warm
spring sun.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Five Spheres ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Last minute, substandard edition:
In last turn's episode, Nulnita had returned to the place when she and Don
Sentinel had shared a night of passion only to be rejected by the diminutive Don in
the morning. She had not seen fair Aradi since that fateful morning and she was
understandably nervous. What if that luscious little man wouldn't change his mind?
What if he had turned to the arms of another woman (or sheep)? What if that slut
Antitonia had thrown herself at him, literally, and smothered poor Don Sentinel in
her ample cleavage?
Nulnita dragged and carried all of her and Voyde's luggage to the little inn
where they would be staying. Voyde, unencumbered by his fair share of the load,
strolled behind admiring the play of Nulnita's skirt across her buttock.
"Nulnita, please hurry. I need to take a nap and you haven't unpacked my
trunk."
She shot him a look while hoisting the huge steamer up the stairs.
"Don't you think that you could provide any help at all?" she bellowed.
"No, it doesn't appear so." The mariachi replied as he wandered to the pool.
"I'll be sunning myself if you need me."
Meanwhile, in El Hombre's office:
"You have to do something! It was profane!"
El Hombre had been fielding calls like these ever since the Mother of All
Mammaries had been bared by his ex-sergeant. He knew that maintaining order in Aradi
was going to require a lot more work than it had in the past but with Ganolus
quitting on him, his tan was starting to suffer. Worse, that nasty rash had returned
under his scrod-piece and he found himself fighting the urge to scratch...wait, this
is Aradi, he scratched himself with obvious relief and pleasure. Then he switched
hands and scratched furiously. Then he went back the original hand and scratched
languidly.
"I have already taken measures to make sure that no lurid dance shows will ever
happen again in Aradi." The rapidly paling magistrate assured his visitors.
Later that day:
Nulnita, wearing a close-fitting, low cut dress dragged Voyde away from the
pool. More to the point, dragged him away from the pool bar.
"Grab that guitar! We're going to the cantina where I will spell-bind Don
Sentinel with The Flamenco!"
The lovely Nulnita hurried through the streets dragging her mariachi burden.
She was growing used to carrying him when they came to the cantina. Surprisingly,
there were no lights on and no noise coming from inside. As they drew closer they
could see that the windows had been boarded up and the door was locked. Pasted
across the double doors was a notice with El Hombre's official seal.
It said:
"By authority of King Fergus of Sacto; I, El Hombre, do hereby declare all
forms of music and dancing immoral and illegal. No form of these wickednesses-
es-essses shall be permitted within city limits."
They read the sign but couldn't believe it. How could Nulnita win back Don
Sentinel without The Flamenco? Why would Voyde ever leave the poolside bar without
the music of El Mariachi? How could Yukon (who must hold the most un-Spanglish-able
name in Aradi) function with the cantina closed?
Most importantly, where have Ganolus and Guaradinna been for this entire episode?
Until next time...
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
----- ----- ----- Soultaker ----- ----- -----
Dawn was just breaking and fighting hard to drive back the darkness of the
night. A slight mist was lying close to the ground giving the land a surreal
feeling. Soultaker stepped out from the door into the growing light. He pulled the
overcoat snug, not so much to keep out the chill but more because of a feeling of
dread that washed over him. An ominous feeling pervaded the morning. Soultaker
shook of the feeling and pushed forward towards the street. Try as he would,
Soultaker could not shake the foreshadowing omens of the previous day and night.
Today was supposed to be a day of excitement, a day of awe and wonder. Today
was the day the great one, Death Stud, was to speak to the masses of his visions and
experience on how to become a tournament mega-manager. People were arriving from
near and far with only the hope to learn from the stunted soothsayer. Ships from all
across Alastari had been off-loading famous managers for the last two days. So why
was this day so charged with tension? Soultaker trudged on sorting out the signs of
ill will from the previous day. At first most of the signs were overlooked and until
Manalger started putting them together they would have been missed.
Manalger had been at the Prancing Pony late yesterday afternoon. Soultaker had
stepped in for a quick double cream latte with sprinkles when he heard Manalger
laying out all the omens before the gathered populous.
"I swear it is the truth. I saw it with my own eyes," Manalger professed. His
arms flailed wildly as he kept the attention of the crowd.
"I saw it just before I came in here. If you want I can show all of you. There
it was, two toads lying together in broad daylight. Not just that but Yukon saw dogs
and cats playing together," Manager kept on preaching as he pointed to Yukon, who was
standing of to one side bobbing his head up and down to all that Manalger was
spouting.
"There are far more signs," he continued. "Shadowgate saw two blackbirds
sitting on the same limb. A rabbit was found yesterday with its head torn off. How
can you explain the fisherman coming in with such a bad haul?"
The crowd began to oooooh and aaaaah. Some started to voice strange things that
they had seen, such as a dead spider in his coffee cup, a cricket in a matchbox
upside down, snakes swimming north, and John, the baker, said his dog had puppies and
one had 6 toes. As time went on more and more joined in with everything from body
ailments to fights with loved ones.
Soultaker watched as Manalger stepped back and let the crowd build up their own
fears. Just as the crowd reached their peak, Manalger stepped back up and held his
arms out to quiet the crowd.
"My friends and fellow managers, you all know me. I have always told you the
truth. These are trying times and I feel that the signs before us speak of bad times
to come. I know it was after Death Stud announced he was going to speak to the
masses that I started to see these strange occurrences. I think that if you look at
it closely you will also see it all started from that day forward. I tell you not
out of malice," Manalger paused briefly allowing everyone in the room to hang
breathlessly in expectation. "I tell you out of friendship that Death Stud is a
false prophet. Those that follow his word will surely suffer the wrath as shown from
the omens before us."
Soultaker finished his latte and rushed from the Prancing Pony and hurried home.
He tossed and turned all night. In his mind he was sure that Manalger was just
trying to discredit Death Stud, but then again there was all the different
occurrences that had happened to think about.
Soultaker's thoughts quickly returned to the present when he heard the voices of
some of his fellow managers. They were also shuffling towards Mount Cyanide to hear
minuscule messiah speak. This was going to be an exciting morning. Soultaker had a
feeling of dread wash over him as he plodded ever forward to the gathering.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Snotman and the Spooky Kids Part Eleventeen
Snotman turned to Soultaker, "This is completely unacceptable! I've been turned
to stone and decapitated and this sucks more. After spending six weeks getting
through the damn Halloween party, my author has no idea what to do with a non-
alliance of super-deformed managers."
Soultaker ran his hand through his long shock of bright pink hair for the nine
thousand six hundred and forty-seventh time, "This is the best thing that's happened
to me in years! Somehow I ended up with more hair than I've ever had in my life.
And I'm looking svelte too. Something about the super-cute transformation that
doesn't allow you to be a morbidly obese, cheeseburger away from death kind of guy."
Snotman had to agree that it was true, Soultaker looked better than he had in
years. Somehow while the others hand ended up super-deformed anime style, Soultaker
was troll doll style. His body was now uniformly pudgy instead of looking like a
blimp with a man attached to the backside. His hair was completely resistant to
dyeing but even hot pink looked better than the wrinkled, liver spotted, hairless
look he had sported before.
Soultaker grinned with childlike glee, "Things have never been hotter with
Pandora and I in the bedroom either! She just has to run her hands through my hair
it and sends shocks of orgasmic joy running through my body. And she seems to really
like the sparkle in my eyes."
When Soultaker said the word bedroom, Snotman acted with practiced speed. First
he grabbed the butter knife and fork off the table and jabbed one in each ear. But
it wasn't enough, he could still see Soultaker's miming and see him mouthing the
words, "And now I can actually get her to listen to my treatise on the eleventh
century vowel shift. (Note to Ed.: Since Pandora is a demon, she isn't human, but
neither is she animal. I don't believe that this will violate the ban on insertion
of male bodily members into animal orifices that you decreed (Note to Snotman: That
ice is mighty thin and your definitions are too narrow. -- Ed.)."
Wasting no time, Snotman punctured each of his shimmering, liquid eyeballs.
Finally, sighing with relief, Snotman leaned back in his chair, blood and ocular
fluid running down his cheeks. He knew right then that this curse had to be
reversed. It was bad enough to be as short as Death Stud and to see Soultaker so
happy with his new hair, but having to listen to Soultaker talk about his vowel shift
discussions with Pandora every 5 minutes (wugga!) was unbearable. For the first time
in his life, Snotman regretted the rapid regeneration that would force him to face
the reality of Soultaker's vowel shift treatise again.
Snotman handed the guard ten gold eagles, "So I'm gonna get 10 minutes alone
with that bastard, right?"
The guard nodded and opened the heavy, steel-bound door. Inside was a plain
room, with heavy gray carpets on the floors and walls. A pudgy, balding man sat in
the corner of the room, his arms bound behind him. His head was leaning forward and
his long hair covered his face (yeah, I know that I said he was balding, but I mean
that he had a bald spot on top and long stringy hair all around. There, ya happy?).
As Snotman approached he raised his head and it was clearly Magic Man, although his
face was encrusted with dirt, vomit and other things that Snotman couldn't identify.
When Magic Man spoke it was in a harsh voice that Snotman barely recognized,
"Snotman, have you come to free me, Eh? They say that I'm insane, but I'm not insane
eheheheheheheheeheheh?"
Snotman grimaced to see his friend in such wretched conditions, "I'll see what I
can do to help you out. But you are going to have to help me. How do I reverse the
curse that you shrunk us with?"
Magic Man grimaced, "I see, a little quid pro quo, eh? Fine, you need to little
bird with the lollipop man on top of the ice cream tree, eh."
Snotman shook his head, "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"
"I said that since you've destroyed the wand I used, you are going to need the
Eye of McGarnicle. It is said to have belonged to the dragon's treasure trove and
supposedly is still in the Dragon Spine mountains in the center of Aradi Island. But
I should warn you that there are dangerous things lurking in the Dragon Spine
mountains, eh. Few explorers come back from there. Oh yeah, and if you see the
Lollipop Man, don't forget the little bird."
The door slammed open and the guard ushered Snotman out of the cell. He left
feeling confused, he'd hate to undertake a dangerous quest at the behest of a madman.
On the other hand, the intolerable curse had to be ended. Snotman set his soft,
rounded, cute jaw and stared determinedly at the Dragon Spine mountains which loomed
off in the distance, casting a shadow of gloom and madness of the town of Aradi.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Tale of the 'O' Ring ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
part 2.5
Dear readers,
What you are about to read is a lost chapter from the original Njjorrdic sheep-
skin scroll from where the tale is first known to have been put down in writing. It
is a strange chapter, and one can see why it was subsequently left out of future
editions of the famous saga. Strangely enough, it was written in exactly 31 lines,
and even then, formatted to the exact specifications of a T@#$ spotlight. It was,
however, written in a very ancient form of pig-Njjorrdic which as of this moment
still cannot be translated by the most learned scholars. Here, for the first time,
is the unedited copy
Yor Djethfruddosson bjorn der hurney furney, und dermitten der machen der
svenssvaardenn heimen der Sjoulvissen Gjamgjeetjaker hurney furney, unt vich der
shtumpfen and der mjitten unter fljaagen haagen fruujen glaajen.
Affter vich der Djethfruddosson fjorkbitten der O rjinngen, fer da shpieglen
"Hjaasen-feffrin micht der njoggin, sveet mjonkey bjesuseth!!!"
Hurney furney furney hurney, Sjoulvissen shtupped uppen der njoggin, fjorden der
O rjinngen, shtipped der wodkadrinken und pisspjotten.
Hurney furney.
Djethfruddossonn gormundscvrod der shprinklynn. "Bjust kjidden, Sjoulie-
Wjoulie, uber flingen der bitzen up der 'O' rjinngen!"
"Oh no!" crjiedeth Sjoulvissen, der chromen gleamen.
At dacht pjointen, der Bjarnabjollum skutten fljuugen shnaagen, shnapped upp der
O rjinngen frjom Djethfruddosson, hurney furney.
Sjoulvissen und der Bjarnabjollum rjolly pjollyssun around der roomen, brjeakin
machen brikken brakken. Der O rjinngen went in der fljower potten, hurney furney.
And so there you have it.
As compelling as it is puzzling, scholars have yet to decipher this "lost"
chapter, perhaps forever casting a shroud on our collective understanding of this
epic myth. There is obviously some excitement going on, but other than that, not
even the oldest pig-Njorrdic could tell you what it really meant.
By the way, you may have noticed that the chapter didn't quite make it to 31
lines. That's because it was edited for several 'bathroom humor' jokes, that were
really quite tasteless.
Until next time, hurney furney!
Oh, and just in case I'm too tired to count correctly, I'm gonna add in this
line!
*AND* this line.
HA!
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Honey-dipping Soultaker ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
by Pip T.F. Troll
"Uncle Pip, stop by for a bit and tell us a story!" yelled one of the orphan
trollkins that lived under the main street bridge, as a huge group of them surrounded
Pip.
"Sure, what would you guys like to hear about?" asked Pip.
"Tell us about that weird looking guy over there!" answered one of the more
vocal trollkins, while pointing down the street to where Soultaker was walking down
the street, looking broken and confused.
"Ahh, that's one of the more interesting stories around here," said Pip, "Let's
go sit down over there and I'll tell you all about him."
Pip led the small army of trollkins to the side of the street, and sat down on a
log lying in a small grassy area. "Well, where to start?" started Pip, "His full name
is Honey-dipping Soultaker, and he's been around here for a long time."
"How'd he get his name?" interrupted one of the trollkins.
"Well that's what this story is about." answered Pip. "You see, back in the
olden days of Aradi, men were made of tougher stuff. If you were hungry, you killed
an animal to eat it. If you were cold, you killed a tree and burned it. And if
nature called, well you had to go use an outhouse. All was good and fine in old
Aradi, until one day something bad happened."
"Did someone die?" interrupted the same little trollkin.
"You don't have a name yet do you?" asked Pip.
"Not yet, I'm new at being an orphan and they don't know what to call me yet."
answered the trollkin.
"Good, since you are rude and annoying and interrupt a lot, I think we'll call
you Nuln." said Pip.
"Wow, after the highly-mediocre mediocre-manager of the same name? Cool." said
the trollkin.
"No, it might offend him, it's after this other Nuln I know, you wouldn't know
him, he lives far away. Now listen up. Everything was good and fine in old Aradi,
and everyone's happy living their tough lives, eating what they could catch, washing
with dirt, and going in outhouses. But then one day, tragedy struck. One by one,
the outhouses were filling up and overflowing. The city was a mess, and it was soon
thought they might have to move to another island. To prevent having to evacuate the
city, wise men developed a plan."
"They would empty the outhouses, and put everything into wagons, and dump the
wagons into the sea. One of them made a crude comment about the stuff looking like
honey, and the wagons were dubbed Honey-wagons."
"How did they fill them?" asked Nuln the trollkin.
"Well Aradi's best and brightest all tried out for the newest civil service job
of Honey-dipper. Only the best were accepted, and they were awarded their own wagon
and ladle. They'd use the ladle to fill buckets, that they'd dump in the wagon."
"So Soultaker was a Honey-dipper?" asked Nuln.
"Not just a Honey-dipper, he was the best of the lot. All the other Honey-
dippers wore gloves, but not Soultaker. He loved his job that much, always claimed
he didn't mind getting his hands dirty getting the job done, gloves would just slow
him down. Armed with nothing but a clothes pin on his nose and his ladle, wearing
only a wife-beater t-shirt and open toed sandals, he'd go in and get the job done."
"But why do they call him Soultaker?" asked Nuln.
"I'm getting to that. Because he was so good at what he did, he was given a big
raise, and new territory. In his new territory, there was a group of kids who would
taunt him, and make fun of him. They were a bunch of punks who had moved in from
Aljafr, where they call what goes in the outhouse souly. So since he was coming into
their neighborhood to take the souly out, they'd follow him around and chant, "Souly
taker, souly taker" at him. He'd always take it with a smile though, he loved his
job that much. One day his friend Death Stud saw him getting made fun of by this
group of punks. Not one to stand by while his friend was getting harassed, Death
Stud joined in on poking fun at him. "Haha, Soultaker, now that's funny." he said.
After he had told everyone in Aradi, the name Soultaker just stuck, no one even
remembers what he was called before."
"So how come he doesn't do the same job now?" asked Nuln.
"Well that's something he's still bitter about to this day." answered Pip. "If
you ask him, he'll tell you all about this conspiracy of city folk who invented the
"ter-let" just to put him out of work. But basically, civilization advances, and we
don't need Honey-dippers."
"What did they do with his wagon?" asked Nuln the trollkin.
"You sure ask a lot of questions, but after toilets were installed throughout
Aradi, he tipped it over, sprayed it down with a hose for about three seconds, and
now it's the FONZ clubhouse."
"Anyway, I have to go now, just remember," said Pip, as he prepared to leave,
"Late at night, right after you flush, if you put your ear to the can, you can hear
him whistling. It's Honey-dipping Soultaker, whistling as he does volunteer work in
the sewer, he loves the work that much."
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Losers ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Malaquar walked around in the citadel, cleaning and tidying things up, trying to
look as busy as possible. He knew Guardian would be leaving soon on his weekly trip,
then he would be able to put his plan into action. He had all his tools and
equipment packed and ready to go, he just needed Guardian to hurry up and get out of
here. "How long can it take him to get ready?" thought Malaquar, "He has got to be
the slowest person on the planet."
"Alright, I'm outa here, don't burn the place down while I'm gone." Guardian
said as he walked down the stairs and out the front door. Malaquar climbed the steps
to the roof, and watched as Guardian rode off. The time for planning was over, now
was the time for action. Malaquar needed to get to the office safe in Guardian's
personal tower, which was on the roof of the citadel. The tower was also laid out
like a huge maze, and heavily trapped, quite a dangerous place.
Malaquar ran down to get his equipment, and hurried to the front door of
Guardian's personal tower. Once Malaquar was in the office safe, he could get the
papers that gave Guardian guardianship over him until he turned eighteen. Malaquar
remembered how Guardian had laughed when he told him that because he was born on the
last day of February on a leap year, he was only technically four, with two years to
go until he was five. Well now Malaquar was seven, soon to be eight, and soon to be
un-minioned if all went properly.
He got out his lockpick kit, and began working on the huge oaken door. After
several minutes of trying he finally got the lock opened, and he walked into the
tower. He would have to be careful, no telling how Guardian had trapped the tower.
Actually Malaquar helped design the tower, there would be no problem with the traps.
Malaquar was relieved, but cursed himself for wasting all that time planning around
the traps. He hurried up the staircase, and down the hallway towards the office. He
slowly approached the door, having the feeling that something was about to go
horribly wrong. Getting past his worried feelings, he reached out for the doorhandle
and opened the door, which slowly swung open. Looking inside he could see Guardian's
desk, with his nagahyde chair facing backwards behind it. How many nagas had to die
to make that damn chair, thought Malaquar.
He stepped into the office and began to walk towards the wall safe. Suddenly
the chair slowly rotated, Guardian was sitting in it and holding some documents.
"Looking for these?" he asked, flipping through the papers and smiling hugely.
"Dammit, you left, I saw you!" exclaimed Malaquar, "It's just not fair, damn
leap-year, who's idea was this anyway? And how'd you get back here so fast?"
"A little trick I've been working on, I'll have to show you how to do it
sometime, being in more than one place at a time has its merits." explained Guardian.
"But, it's almost your birthday, you should be excited, only forty-four years of
minioning left. And it's going to be a good year, it's already off to a good start."
"Birthdays suck when you only get eight candles." grumbled Malaquar, "Not to
mention the fact they're four years apart."
"Well we can get you some extra candles this year," offered Guardian, "After
all, it looks like you made Doc Steele's hit list, you deserve a few extra candles
for that. You'll have some fun with that too. Now why don't we go shove Pip off the
roof a few times, it always cheers you up to watch him go splat."
"Yeah, that's definitely my favorite part. This is all his fault anyway," said
Malaquar, as he walked out of the office with Guardian, "We'll need to get him to
wear his "Wonder-Troll" cape though, I think it lets me gett better distance and
accuracy."
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ 24 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
A.K.A. Where is Jack Wolfspider?
6:40 A.M./ARADI/T#%$
"Where is that jerk?" wondered Heil Mary aloud.
"He should've already been dressed and back down here by now!"
"I guess I'll go look for him," said Mr. Negativity with a sigh. He left to go
search for his manager and left Mary all by her lonesome, at least for a moment or
two. Mary was about to ask Guardianna for a beer when a man walked up to the bar,
standing beside her as he dropped a small (but full) sack of coins on the bar.
"Beer Guardianna!" he shouted, his voice full of glee.
"Senore Snotman, so good to see you again!" gushed the ample bosomed wench
(which bosom she rested on the bar).
"It would seem that fortune smiles upon you this day," she said as she greedily
eyed his sack (the coins, you freaks).
Mary looked over at the man standing beside her and was quickly sorry that she
did. While not an unhandsome man, 'Senore' Snotman obviously had a sinus problem.
His nose ran and snot trailed down onto his chin. It was obvious that he'd had this
problem for a while, for layers of dried snot lay beneath the fresh. Her stomach
turning, Mary quickly turned away mumbling to herself, "Please god, make me into a
bird so I can fly away!"
Snotman was in a jovial mood and didn't seem to notice; he was still chattering
away to Guardianna.
"You'll never guess what happened today!" he said. "I went to the stable
because I was going to catch the early coach to the Face. Well I was waiting to be
searched when guess who showed up and offered to buy my place in line?"
"Who?" Guardianna asked breathlessly.
"Your old cousin Nuln! He gave me 50 gold pieces for my spot."
Guardianna spat on the ground and scowled at Senore Snotman.
"He is a peeg and his twin seester Nulnita is the dama who cause me all thees
trouble! I curse the whole family!"
Senore Snotman frowned, "I had no idea that you felt this way about your
cousins. What happened?"
"That peeg Nuln, when we was but ninos we would often play doctor. Nulnito was
always the doctor and always he was making me be the patient. He never let me be the
nurse, zurramato!"
Mary was trying not to listen but Guardianna was nearly shouting. Finally she
decided she'd heard enough and get up to leave.
6:55 A.M./ARADI/T#%$
"What will we do if we are caught?" asked an anxious individual.
"Don't worry about that," said the leader of the Moo-vement. "If one of those
putz managers in Aradi figures it all out we'll blame it on Pip the Troll; Guardian's
been blaming everything on him anyway. He'd be the perfect Goat!"
"Don't say that word around any FONZ member!"
"What word? Goat?"
At that moment there was a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" asked the Moo-vement's leader.
"You know who it is, open up the door!"
The leader opened up the door only to see a FONZ member standing there holding a
large piece of posterboard.
"I wanted to run this by you before I carried it to the arena on Thursday," he
said while pointing at his posterboard.
"Let's see," the Moo-vement's leader said, surveying the posterboard with a
raised eyebrow. It showed a man wearing chaosplate and he had a large dictionary
over his face, on the dictionary's cover were the words "Property of Snotman."
"Yeah, he's definitely in the A-section," said the movements leader.
"It should be o.k."
Just then the leader's original visitor came to the door.
"Who's here?" he asked. Seeing the Fonzanite he said, "See. I told you so!
It's that word!"
"Oh hi Manalger!" said the Fonzanite with a smile. "Nice to finally see you .
You sure haven't been at the arena!"
"Don't call me Manalger!" said the scum loving manager with a scowl.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ "The Real World -- Aradi" Episode 6 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
The AMTV producers sat around a large conference room table with grim looks on
their faces. Ganolus, a cast member on "The Real World, Aradi" had announced that
his warriors would no longer be participating in the TOGS IV. AMTV had a difficult
decision to make: Should AMTV continue to allow Ganolus to live in The Real World,
Aradi, guildhouse if Ganolus was no longer participating as a manager in the TOGS IV?
Allowing Ganolus to continue living in the guildhouse would contradict the program's
weekly introduction, which states: "7 TOGS IV Managers picked to live in a
guildhouse, manage their TOGS warriors, and to find out what happens when TOGS
managers stop devoting too much time to this tournament, and start getting real, the
Real World, Aradi!"
AMTV's producers called the cast members other than Ganolus into the living room
of the guildhouse to announce that AMTV was considering removing Ganolus from the
Guildhouse. The producers advised the cast members that while house guests on the
MTV show "The Real World" had been removed in the past, no one had ever been kicked
out of AMTV's guildhouse.
The cast members were divided on whether or not Ganolus should be kicked out.
Anti, said, "The whole purpose of the show is to tape the lives of "TOGS IV
Managers." If Ganolus is not going to be a manager, why should he remain in the
guildhouse?"
Judge responded, "Look, it's not like he completely abandoned the TOGS IV
Tournament. He is still in charge of the Tournament. I was kind of hoping he could
investigate why the Gladiatorial Commission did not print my personal ads on Turn 7
of the TOGS, resulting in a deduction for my team of five points."
The cast members continued to debate the issue of whether Ganolus should remain
in the guildhouse. The AMTV producers advised them that a decision would be made
after Turn 9 of the TOGS IV as to whether Ganolus would be allowed to stay in the
house. In the meantime, AMTV would be offering the viewing audience of the City of
Aradi, and the managers in the TOGS IV Tournament, the opportunity to vote on a
replacement cast member in the event that Ganolus was kicked out of the Real World,
Aradi, guildhouse.
Notable replacement cast member candidates include Hombre, Shadowgate, Pip the
Troll, Guardian, and Ghoti. Hombre seems like a viable replacement as he threw
fights for several turns in preparation for the TOGS IV. Unfortunately, Hombre no
longer has a TOGS IV partner. Shadowgate might make a perfect cast member. His
disputes with Wimpy and Judge throughout the TOGS IV could be the subject of some
interesting Real World episodes. Pip The Troll is no stranger to TOGS smack-talking
which could lead to some interesting drama, but his team has fared poorly so far in
the TOGS IV. Guardian's personality would certainly create an interesting
environment in the guildhouse, but the AMTV producers are concerned that he might get
kicked out of the house even faster than Ganolus. Finally, there is Ghoti. It is
unknown whether his manager name comes from a reference to facial hair or a small
farm animal with horns, but he does write some entertaining TOGS spotlights. The
AMTV producers invite you, as TOGS Managers, to vote on a possible replacement cast
member in the personal ads on the next turn of the TOGS. Cast your vote, and the
winner will be announced on Turn 11 of the TOGS.
To be continued in Episode 7 of "The Real World, Aradi!"
-- Legalese
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ "A Fine Afternoon" ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Trist Laelalie, Avboreu Stimbo'om, Krells, Onedawg, and Fash Rainyer--the cat
burglar, sea captain, toady, wraith, and cunning dandy--all sat comfortably around a
lamp lit card table in the bowels of the Lawndocker's galley deck. A distant storm
was churning the water outside the ship giving the setting a slow rock that caused
the tankards of fine mead at each person's place at the table to slide back and forth
a few inches every now and then. The hooded lantern overhead swayed with a rhythm
all its own, sending shadows looming this way and that. Trist's tabby, a round cat
by the name of Mittens, strolled amongst the forest of legs beneath the table,
purring loudly between the lulls in the conversation about the game above the cat's
head.
"Er now," Captain Stimbo'om growled, holding his hand of cards up just below his
line of sight. "Methinks ye needin' t' be leanin' on yer side o' th' table there,
Krells, scratchin' ye bum as ye is, lest ye wants me boot planted in yer ugly mug,"
the captain finished with a toothy grin.
Krells, the hapless hunchback that he was, kept his wide eyes on the
unpredictable Captain Avorbeu Stimbottom, long retired scourge of the northern
waters, straightening himself as best he could.
Rainyer chuckled at his friend. "Don't worry Krells, that's just our kind
host's way of being as amiable as he can be," Rainyer added with sarcastic flare as
he reached across the table to take a handful of peanuts back with him.
Avboreu's eyes shot in Rainyer's direction. "And ye'll be drawin' back a stub
the next time ye snatches anymore o' me ley-gee-u-mees!"
Trist cupped her own set of cards in her hands as she queried an eyebrow at the
good captain.
"What?!" Avboreu shot back. "'Twas a word I learnt durin' me days as a
landlubber," he said honestly.
Silence followed as the group let the captain's words sink in. Trist's cat
meowed.
"Well, I'd be wise enough to follow the good captain's word if I were you,
Fash," Trist perked up. "I've spied the hands you've been dealt two or three times
tonight, and for the life of me, I don't know why you're even here tonight," she
hinted.
Rainyer grinned, "Maybe I want you to see what I've got...."
Trist rolled her eyes.
Krells leaned in the opposite direction of Avboreu, seemingly working out a kink
in his back, and tried to peek at Onedawg's cards through his semi-transparent hands.
Onedawg caught Krell's movement out of the corner of his eye and, with but a thought,
caused his hands to become solid.
Krells harrumphed.
After the final draw went around the table the captain called for hands.
"I bloody fold!" Avboreu promptly announced slamming his cards face down on the
table.
"So, Onedawg, how goes the tournament?" Rainyer asked, laying down a two-pair of
7's. "Will Lord Simion's appraisal of my societal worth be at long last put to
rest?"
Onedawg's grin was more a twisted mask of hollow eyes and steely-gray features.
"You will have your respect, Rainyer--it is the T#@S, after all--so you shan't need
to worry long about your former loss of face much longer."
"I'm not one to pry, oh Last Scion of the Da'awginori, but I do believe he
wanted specifics. You owe us at least that much," Trist said matter-of-fact, laying
a two-pair of 9's and throwing Rainyer a vicious smile.
Onedawg grunted slightly. "It goes as well as can be expected--my aims are not
entirely focused," the demi-spirit stated flatly as he cradled a pearly necklace that
hung about his collar. Onedawg laid three-of-a-kind on the table.
Rainyer and Trist slouched back into their respective chairs.
The captain sat with his elbows propped up on the table and listening to the
developing conversation. "In's the meantime, I've been wonderin' about other
matters--like say, this 'ere chaos gate ye've been snoopin' about for. When is me
ship gonna be put t' th' test?!"
"You'll take us there once Rainyer and I are sure of its location," Onedawg
replied immediately. "All in good time, captain, all in good time."
"What are ye waitin' fer," Avboreu stood gesturing at the crewless boat they
inhabited, "a full house?"
With that, Krells dropped a pair of King's and three 3's on the table.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Red Avengers ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Secrets of the Rage Man (Part 4)
"There you are!" Ganolus and Hombre rushed into the Blind Cyclops in where The
Rage Man was casually sitting.
"Hello, Ganolus and Hombre," The Rage Man greeted the two TOGS contestants
warmly.
"The jig's up, Rage Man...or should I say...Doc Steele?" accused Ganolus.
"What are the two of you talking about?" asked the Rage Man.
"Don't play dumb with us," said Hombre, "We figured out that you must really be
Doc Steele. Everything fits! Well ok, no it doesn't, but you can't hide the truth."
"I assure you, I'm not Doc Steele," the Rage Man stood up and started to back
away from the two psychopathic managers.
"Get him Ganolus!" cried Hombre. Ganolus quickly leapt on The Rage Man, and
tackled the surprised manager to the ground. Hombre pulled off the red robes that
covered the Rage Man's entire body.
"Oops. You aren't Doc Steele." said Ganolus disappointedly. It was Manager.
"Fools!" Manager pushed Ganolus off of him and stood up. "You'll pay for
exposing me to Aradi. But you're too late in stopping my plans to win the TOGS!"
"But why?" asked Ghoti, who was listening in a nearby barstool, "Why disguise
yourself as someone else?"
"For the simple reason that the favorites never win TOGS." said Manager, "I
realized after I was defeated in the past two TOGS competitions that my team was too
high profile, and no matter who I was partnered with, that I would always have a big
bullseye on my team's back. I needed a new identity. I needed to take everyone by
surprise again like I did in the first one. I even set up those bogus odds at the
beginning of the first turn to set up the frontrunners to lose."
"So what happened to the Rage Man?" asked Ganolus.
"There was never any Rage Man." chortled Manager, "I made him up. Didn't anyone
notice that Rage Man was an anagram of 'Manager'? I hit in plain sight in all of
you. But it wasn't so simple. I knew that if I just made up a random name, and
suddenly appeared in Aradi, people would get suspicious, especially when I started
winning. So I needed to come up with a history. That's why for over the past year,
there have been Red Avengers teams running in various slow arenas so no one would be
suspicious. I even started a new alliance, The Three Amigos, to further give myself
legitimacy. I also dressed up as Rage Man in other public events like the Gateway
Attacks to further make people think I was another person. Meanwhile I was also able
to spend the TOGS off-season sandbagging my team with no one suspicious of me at
all!"
"So are the Three Amigos other personalities of yourself too then?" asked
Onedawg, who was also listening in.
"No. The Three Amigos is a group of established mega-managers who love running
scum. We disguise ourselves in other identities and strike down injustices to scum.
Our first appearance as an alliance was in the Kontest in DM 31, which specifically
had rules that worked against running scum in the competition. That was also my dry
run for TOGS. We won that event, just as I will win TOGS."
"So you lied to everyone when you said you weren't doing TOGS?" asked Ganolus.
"Yes." responded the Rage Man, "And no. I lied about the not doing TOGs, but I
didn't lie about not having fun the last time. While I did prep for TOGS, I didn't
decide to enter until the last minute. Ultimately, you all should have realized that
I am totally over competitive and can't resist plotting and scheming my way to a TOGS
victory. My modus operandi has also changed. I am not in TOGS to have fun. I am
here to win. My dream is to win TOGS and rename Aradi to Scumhaven. This city will
then open its doors to the scum of the world and we'll all live in perfect harmony,
safe from Aimed Blows."
"You're despicable." gasped Hombre.
"Yes." Manager laughed, "But what is not despicable is that my plan worked
perfectly so far. My 29-11 record is unmatched by anyone during the TOGS. I am in
position once again to be the highest individual TOGs scorer. Once my partner gets
his act together and my schemes for the final few turns fall into fruition we will be
the first 2-time TOGS winners in history."
"Schemes?" asked Ghoti.
"Heh." Manger laughed evilly as the sound of thunder suddenly filled the tavern.
A sudden thunderstorm, had started outside. The managers of Aradi shuddered. With
Manager exposed and channeling the powers of the Macaroni of Evil, the TOGS was about
to reach its dirtiest level yet.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Team Spotlight for Team Shadow Signs - Spot #9 "Shadowgate's Bad Turn(s)"
Well, that was it! Yukon had done it again! He had gone 4-1, and with a DA no
less.... It would be a great thing if Shadowgate hadn't gone 1-4 with a full team
and two of those loses coming on his own challenges! Zylliex's Shade has to go! His
1-7 was just terrible; especially for a ST with a 21WT who was learning well and had
decent physicals! Someone must have put a curse on him, but who? There where too
many managers that had reason to...all of them before this turn when Yukon and he
finally dropped back into the pack. Even Silver Bells had gone and lost a fight that
should have been a lock! It was time to do something quick or Yukon was going to get
real nasty with his jokes about Shadowgate's performance.... Next thing you know he
would be asking HIM to start his sled! If this streak didn't end soon, he might
welcome starting Yukon's sled. (No, sled is a sled! Get your mind out of the
gutter!)
Everyone knew Shadowgate was the better manager...ok maybe not everyone but if
Shadowgate didn't pull it together he would never get a good partner for TOGS V!
TOGS V, Shadowgate should ask Ganolus if he was going to run that contest. That
would have thrown him off his game but unfortunately he had run off and left his
teammate high and dry already! No fun there. Shadowgate had to find something to
take his mind off his terrible turn, but the question was what. Most of Aradi's
"fun" was just strange at best or just downright sick. Even the spy report was
starting to be warped! Shadowgate was not a person to point out those kind of things
but Yukon and he had had a good laugh out of it. (Don't know what I mean? See if
you can find the line in question. I didn't know you could get 21 points for that.
And yes I am being sophomoric but isn't everyone in Aradi!)
Well, Shadowgate still needed some way to get out of his funk. Yukon would
suggest getting drunk but that always turned out badly for Shadowgate. Never allow
yourself to get drunker than Yukon or he will make sure you have way too much! Never
ever drink eight long island ice teas before Yukon shows up at the bar! Shadowgate
always seemed to end up going and puking in someones' carriage. If it came to that,
he would make sure it was one of Judge's or Nuln's! All their karmic crap was
getting annoying. Even if it appeared to be coming true. CRAP! Out damn spot, out!
Shadowgate headed to that bar after grabbing Yukon. Yes, there was nothing for
it. Drowning his sorrows in ale was the only way to go. He would have to start with
tekillya. Shadowgate was almost totally immune to that and Yukon would be half gone
before they started drink the ale. The only problem with tekillya was that it got
Shadowgate all wired and ready to smack someone around. Oh well, he guessed he had
not ever destroyed any taverns or bars in Aradi yet! He also had some spare cash now
to pay for the damage.
Shadowgate walked into the Pink Squirrel lounge and slapped down a 1000 gold and
asked the tavern owner to keep the drinks coming for everyone in the establishment
and to make sure that no one bothered him. Within a hour the establishment was
filled with almost every manager in Aradi. Guardian's spy network was the first to
let him know about the free ale, followed closely by The Ra...Manager. By the time
the tavern had more people than the max capacity sign allowed for Shadowgate was well
on his way to feeling really really good! By then he had already sent Nuln and
Judge on an gate trip to Snowbound. Not that they had been dressed for it or
anything! Judge in just his robes and Nuln in his helm and shorts. Shadowgate
didn't really care but he was sure that they had both ended up in a neck high
snowdrift. He was looking for someone else to punch or gate to an unpleasant place
when Rillion came by to thank Yukon for sinking some ship. Yukon looked at
Shadowgate and said, "Gate him! He made me drink light beer! The infidel!"
Quicker than a chicken runs in Aradi, Rillion found himself sitting on Nuln's
shoulders in Snowbound. If that wasn't bad enough, he also found that he wasn't
going anywhere soon as they where both stuck in a snow which was up to Nuln's ears.
A minute later he notice the top of Judge's head a few feet away. Nuln looked up and
said, "Guess you pissed off Shadowgate too.
"Actually Yukon, but with Shadowgate needing to make amends for his terrible
record in Aradi for the last two turns, he snapped up the chance to curry favor with
Yukon." said Rillion and he tried to crawl off Nuln. "If we don't get out of here
soon they will not find us until spring."
"Bad news that." said Nuln "I don't think Snowbound really has a spring."
"Well, I am sure if TGG can keep from angering Shadowgate he will come find us
soon." said Rillion
"That being the case and with no shelter in sight we'd better get together and
keep each other warm." said Judge as he crawled toward Nuln and Rillion.
Meanwhile back in the Pink Squirrel Lounge, Shadowgate had begun to drink ale.
For a overly crowded bar there was now a fairly wide space around Yukon's and
Shadowgate's table. There had been a number of quiet questions between some of the
managers on where the three unfortunate managers had been sent. Death Stud and
Soultaker where wondering how they could get rid of some other managers the same way
without getting sent off themselves.
End of Shadow Sign's Team Spotlight #9 to be continued in "There was a Judge, a Chaos
Lord, and a Chicken Rancher in a snowdrift..."
SPY REPORT
Busy, busy, busy, lots of things happening in ARADI this turn, and let's start
with a look at some of the teams. I understand that The Victory Tavern is buying the
drinks for FIVE SPHERES tonight, to honor their rise to 12th after this turns 3-2-0.
Hmmm. Now, what did these guys have for breakfast this morning? FA CHING has turned
a 4-1-0 into 13th place from 37th. Give me the recipe! I want to know who's buying
the drinks for who tonight at The Victory Tavern, seeing as RED DOG GANG's 224-382-3
has earned them 14th place in the ranks. Our condolences (or sneers, as the case may
be) go out to LOSERS for their drop to 30th from 12th. A 1-4-0 can do that. The
DARQUE AGES guild has had a 4-1-0 turn and deserves to be watched in the future. You
never know where this kind of thing can lead. And let's see, ACK ACK fought SIRIUS
and gained 26 points and contributed to THE UNDERWORLD's 1-3-1. WHITE RAVEN has lost
to ROSENCRANTZ, falling 16 points, while helping make SHADOW SIGNS a 2-2-0 turn.
Well done, ARADI, the Duelmaster was this turn's most challenged warrior. Perhaps
LIGHTNING IX is not as thrilled, being challenged 10 times. SIR ZESTALOT challenged
for the Duelmastership this turn, attempting to dethrone DEATH STUDS VII's warrior.
The attempts to dethrone the Duelmaster have failed, and LIGHTNING IX remains ARADI's
top warrior for another turn. Can someone confirm a rumor for me? I hear the top
team makes their losing fighters do dishes at The Victory Tavern until they win.
Maybe?
He who challenges well, fights well. He who avoids without cause, shall lose
for good reasons. My mama told me that one. NATURAL DISASTERS has cause to stand
tall, as they were ARADI's most avoided team. A smart manager knows this is a team
to beat. And avoiding NATURAL DISASTERS more than any other team we find FA CHING.
ARADI, are we going to accept, or respect this sort of thing? Tsk, tsk, tsk. KARATE
WRECKER, does your manager know you're challenging down 17 points to fight MC CAIN
from POWER BROKERS? We're not surprised to hear that KARATE WRECKER defeated MC
CAIN, but I bet it would be interesting to hear why THIEVES GUILD made such a
challenge. In a fit of brilliance or of stupidity (hard to say sometimes), 4-FT
PARTY BONG challenged HENRY IV today, facing a 28 difference in recognition. And now
nobody knows where HENRY IV is right now, after giving 4-FT PARTY BONG 25 points
worth of recognition. As quiet chuckles rise behind me. In a brave attempt, TALON
from WING HOVE challenged up 22 points to fight KABOOM from the RED AVENGERS stable.
TALON perhaps got his just desserts, seeing as he was defeated by KABOOM and ended up
with 75 recognition points. GUMMI GHOUL of THE UPSTARTS III had better have a good
reason for challenging down 8 points in a TV challenge which he won. I thought GUMMI
GHOUL showed great skill and promise when he overcame DEMURRER. All right, so I
slept through it! Big deal!
We only live a short time in this world, so why not take a sharp blade, and
shave it close? RED DOG GANG has lost SIRIUS to the arena in the sky, but they don't
seem to be worried. What do you expect from 17-24-1? It's a dark day for OGRES ARE
US, seeing how GODFREY from ARADI'S DEAD has not been revenged for killing SOMFMA.
Our condolences go to ANASTASIUS, posthumously, seeing as DARQUE AGES did not revenge
BARON from LOCK-OUT for killing ANASTASIUS. Congratulations go out to 5 BELOW ZERO,
with STRANGLEMEELMO revenging a bloodfeud against QUETZACOATYL of FACES OF ETERNITY.
The Victory Tavern declares a free round for MARBURY and all of LOCK-OUT, for having
revenged FORGOTTEN REALMS' URLGEN THREE-FIST for killing one of their comrades. A
brave warrior does not carry a red shield, he has nothing to cover or hide when the
fight is over. Consider well.
Remember, blood on the purple robe does not change it from a purple robe. Dare
to fight bravely. Well, I'm burning daylight here in ARADI and I've a long road
ahead of me. Happy Trails. Until you see my quill in ARADI again, farewell--
Alarond the Scribe
DUELMASTER W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
LIGHTNING IX 4866 12 4 2 199 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
THUNDRA 5122 21 13 1 142 FA CHING (388)
-RATTLESNAKE SHAKE 4242 20 12 0 132 METAL MELTDOWN (344)
-RIFF 6452 12 6 3 116 SWIFT CURRENT (468)
ACK ACK 837 11 6 3 112 THE UNDERWORLD (15)
WINKER X 6470 13 11 0 108 4000 BLOWS (107)
KABOOM 6248 9 0 0 105 RED AVENGERS (487)
-SKA KING CRAB 7106 14 10 0 99 JIVE STEP BUNCH (551)
BLACKBURST 5025 14 14 0 98 FA CHING (388)
THE AYL'M'ER 6056 14 14 1 95 4000 BLOWS (107)
HEADROCK 3430 18 18 0 94 OGRES ARE US (270)
BRAK 94 14 11 1 94 THE UNDERWORLD (15)
LORD OF THE O RINGS 6022 22 12 1 93 WILD CARDS (148)
GUMMI GHOUL 6411 11 4 1 93 THE UPSTARTS III (510)
QUICKSAND 6554 14 7 1 92 NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
SIR ZESTALOT 6557 14 6 0 92 4000 BLOWS (107)
CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
-NEWCASTLE 6669 10 5 4 88 BEERBARIANS (528)
OBITER DICTA 5860 11 9 1 87 LEGALESE (449)
CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
TRIPLICATE THUNDER 6616 11 8 0 86 WILD CARDS (148)
AVIENDHA 4721 18 22 0 84 FA CHING (388)
ROSENCRANTZ 6786 7 5 0 83 BLACK FRIARS (521)
NAPPY DUGOUT 6080 15 16 1 81 WILD CARDS (148)
SMIRLIN 6568 13 11 0 81 OGRES ARE US (270)
WON TOO MANY 5892 7 4 1 80 SAAB STORY (389)
-SICK PUPPY 5959 12 13 1 78 ARADI'S DEAD (393)
NOODLES 6247 5 4 0 78 RED AVENGERS (487)
-LLUGS AND LLISSES 5887 11 8 1 77 LUROCIANS VI (431)
TALON 6736 7 4 0 75 WING HOVE (529)
THORNE 5259 12 4 0 72 FA CHING (388)
KARATE WRECKER 6693 6 9 0 72 THIEVES GUILD (396)
CYVIN 5258 10 8 1 71 FA CHING (388)
WHITE RAVEN 6484 12 10 1 70 SHADOW SIGNS (491)
BLUE BEANIE 6461 11 10 1 70 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
DEMURRER 5828 13 11 2 68 LEGALESE (449)
-WARAGEN 5573 11 3 0 68 SAAB STORY (389)
CHALLENGER ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
SYDA HAMMIE 6667 12 5 0 66 OGRES ARE US (270)
LEO 6837 7 2 0 66 DARQUE AGES (536)
SANDSTORM 6813 8 3 0 64 NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
MISTRESS BOMBTRONIC 6617 12 7 1 62 WILD CARDS (148)
LACHES 5642 12 15 0 61 LEGALESE (449)
CYCLONE 6816 7 4 0 61 NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
WIND 5906 9 5 0 59 FIVE SPHERES (462)
4-FT PARTY BONG 6908 6 4 0 59 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
GOURMET GRUEL 6730 8 6 0 58 R.J.G. (475)
MURRAY 6661 9 6 0 57 POWER BROKERS (527)
SUPERNOVA 6239 6 3 0 57 RED AVENGERS (487)
ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
PIPSQUEAK 6810 8 4 0 56 WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
MARBURY 4499 12 9 0 55 LOCK-OUT (368)
DERRIN 6952 6 2 0 55 WING HOVE (529)
TOGS STINKER 6588 9 6 0 53 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
SON OF BLOODLUST 6823 10 2 0 50 4000 BLOWS (107)
-GODFREY 6354 6 6 1 50 ARADI'S DEAD (393)
DREK 836 7 10 0 49 THE UNDERWORLD (15)
ZERBERT 6243 7 2 0 48 RED AVENGERS (487)
-LLUCKY DAY 6021 7 5 0 48 LUROCIANS VI (431)
TYPHOON XXII 6827 9 1 0 47 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
-LLUPERIOR LLORCES 5956 7 5 0 46 LUROCIANS VI (431)
TAY STARLE 6808 5 5 2 46 WING HOVE (529)
HELMS 6660 9 7 3 45 POWER BROKERS (527)
BARON 6765 9 5 1 45 LOCK-OUT (368)
SHARP STICK 6949 5 4 0 44 I'M WITH STUPID (531)
SPONGEBOB 6504 9 6 0 43 R.J.G. (475)
FLORIN FALCONHAND 5750 6 11 0 43 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
STRANGLEMEELMO 6762 5 1 1 43 5 BELOW ZERO (532)
MC CAIN 6662 9 7 0 42 POWER BROKERS (527)
FREEP 6812 7 5 0 42 WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
HERROL 6694 7 5 0 41 WING HOVE (529)
FRUB 6794 7 6 0 41 WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
NAMBY PAMBY 6977 5 3 0 41 WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
-TWISTER 6114 8 7 0 40 ARADI'S DEAD (393)
DUNNO 6988 4 3 0 40 HIT ME WITH... (503)
HENRY IV 6899 6 5 0 39 BLACK FRIARS (521)
INNOCENT 6838 5 4 2 39 DARQUE AGES (536)
T-MAC 6806 5 8 0 39 LOCK-OUT (368)
THE-SHOCKER 6824 5 5 0 38 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
S.L.A.P.P. 6974 5 3 0 38 LEGALESE (449)
-MOON BABY 6187 4 3 0 38 ARADI'S DEAD (393)
ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
FLAME 7017 3 2 0 38 FIVE SPHERES (462)
-WURL POOLE 6799 3 1 0 38 SWIFT CURRENT (468)
ANGRY SANTA 6828 7 3 0 37 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
SILVER BELLS 7014 4 1 0 37 SHADOW SIGNS (491)
GOLDFISH 6718 7 8 0 36 SHADOW SIGNS (491)
BING 6979 7 1 0 36 I'M WITH STUPID (531)
BONG 6980 7 1 0 36 I'M WITH STUPID (531)
SLIPKNOT 6674 6 10 0 36 THIEVES GUILD (396)
IKER 6505 8 7 0 35 R.J.G. (475)
-RIP RAP 6599 7 6 0 35 SWIFT CURRENT (468)
INSISTANT BEGGAR 6630 7 6 0 35 BUMS 'R' US (465)
THE GREEK GUY 6179 5 0 0 35 I HATE THEM (480)
EDDIE THE ECHO 3770 4 4 1 35 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
MARDUK 6863 4 6 1 35 FACES OF ETERNITY (539)
ANDROGENOUS STRAIN 6412 5 9 0 34 THE UPSTARTS III (510)
CHALLENGER INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
HOSCHA 6835 6 5 0 33 OGRES ARE US (270)
ORIGINAL SHOCKER 6959 5 4 0 33 WILD CARDS (148)
LANCELOT 6867 4 6 0 31 FACES OF ETERNITY (539)
URLGEN THREE-FIST 7019 3 2 1 31 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
MR OBLIVIOUS 6413 3 10 0 31 THE UPSTARTS III (510)
JAMAICAN GOLD 7039 3 1 0 31 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
MR. NEGATIVITY 6764 3 3 0 31 5 BELOW ZERO (532)
GUILDENSTERN 6785 5 8 1 30 BLACK FRIARS (521)
JAMIS 6735 5 6 1 30 WING HOVE (529)
VIKEN 6943 5 4 1 30 LOSERS (544)
VORPAL BUNNY 6731 5 9 0 30 R.J.G. (475)
PIKEL 5808 7 8 0 29 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
ASSHE-MASTER 7000 6 1 0 29 4000 BLOWS (107)
WATER 5905 5 4 0 29 FIVE SPHERES (462)
WILDFIRE 6983 5 2 0 29 NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
DICHABOD 6912 4 7 0 29 THIEVES GUILD (396)
DOVE FALCONHAND 5770 5 11 1 27 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
XXX 6975 6 2 0 24 SHADOW SIGNS (491)
QUETZACOATYL 6865 3 7 1 24 FACES OF ETERNITY (539)
TOGS REPLACEMENT 7045 2 1 0 24 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
PIP THE TROLL 6942 5 4 1 23 LOSERS (544)
-OBED 6831 4 1 1 22 INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
-ARKHAM 6832 3 2 0 22 INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
-PIGGY 6655 2 3 0 22 DARK TOGS (526)
JARLAXLE 7066 2 0 0 22 MELEE-MAGTHERE (549)
SPED 6803 1 2 0 21 BUMS 'R' US (465)
URBAN 7035 4 0 0 20 DARQUE AGES (536)
GROVER 7004 3 3 0 20 I'M WITH STUPID (531)
-SANDY BEACH 6957 3 2 0 19 SWIFT CURRENT (468)
TOSSED SALAD 6987 3 4 0 19 HIT ME WITH... (503)
TWICKLEBUM 6992 3 4 0 19 WIMPS OF DEATH (66)
INDIMAR'S FAXMACHINE 7013 1 4 0 19 HIT ME WITH... (503)
SQUIRTY JOE 7008 1 4 0 19 THE UPSTARTS III (510)
SCRAG 6972 5 3 0 18 LOSERS (544)
GRAFFIX 6909 4 6 0 18 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
HELL MARY 6760 3 3 0 18 5 BELOW ZERO (532)
HANGMAN 6761 3 3 0 18 5 BELOW ZERO (532)
QUEENIE 7093 2 0 0 18 RED DOG GANG (476)
-ZYLLEIX'S SHADE 6939 1 7 0 18 SHADOW SIGNS (491)
-SANCHO 7097 3 2 1 17 JIVE STEP BUNCH (551)
FLICKED BOOGERS 6989 3 4 0 17 HIT ME WITH... (503)
-WILLOW 6659 2 3 1 17 DARK TOGS (526)
VOLCANO 7048 2 1 0 17 NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
LEGS ANDARMS 7020 2 3 0 15 THIEVES GUILD (396)
INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
NERVOUS TIC 6638 2 1 0 13 BUMS 'R' US (465)
ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083 2 0 0 13 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
VOHDE 7040 2 2 0 13 FIVE SPHERES (462)
TRUST FUND BABY 6951 0 3 0 13 BUMS 'R' US (465)
VICIOUS RUMOR 6981 2 6 0 12 R.J.G. (475)
WEED 4 MOM 6984 2 6 0 12 LOCK-OUT (368)
-ZANN 6830 2 4 0 12 INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
SUGAR 7128 1 0 1 12 5 BELOW ZERO (532)
ANASTASIUS II 7117 1 1 0 12 DARQUE AGES (536)
MAIMONIDES 7010 2 4 0 11 FACES OF ETERNITY (539)
-Z=ENTER THESE 7079 1 0 0 11 MALAGUAR'S MINIONS (550)
-MARSH 6829 2 3 1 10 INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
THE FRENCH 7011 2 4 0 10 LOSERS (544)
TA'LON THE VILE 4447 2 4 0 10 THE UNDERWORLD (15)
PRETTY BOY 7091 1 1 0 10 RED DOG GANG (476)
-LIMPY LIMPY 7046 1 1 0 10 LUROCIANS VI (431)
-LOTUS BLOSSOM 7080 1 0 0 10 MALAGUAR'S MINIONS (550)
RYLD 7067 0 2 0 10 MELEE-MAGTHERE (549)
IAGO 6997 2 3 0 9 BLACK FRIARS (521)
DUKE 7090 1 1 0 9 RED DOG GANG (476)
SONNETT 7088 1 0 0 9 SAAB STORY (389)
IVAN 7043 2 2 0 8 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185)
-VAJRA HAMMER 7076 1 0 0 8 MALAGUAR'S MINIONS (550)
TELESPHORUS 7071 2 1 0 7 DARQUE AGES (536)
-BALLROOM BLITZ 7016 1 0 0 7 METAL MELTDOWN (344)
ERIK THE RED 7041 1 3 0 6 FACES OF ETERNITY (539)
-X=WHERE'S MY BEER? 7077 1 0 0 6 MALAGUAR'S MINIONS (550)
VERDICT 7069 1 2 0 5 LEGALESE (449)
TOGS DIXIE 7084 1 1 0 4 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
LOUKMAD 7042 0 4 0 4 OGRES ARE US (270)
-POWER TEMP 7082 1 0 0 3 ARADI'S DEAD (393)
MANAGER 7094 0 2 0 2 LOSERS (544)
ULFGANG 7064 0 2 0 2 MELEE-MAGTHERE (549)
-DISCOCHIMP 7051 0 1 0 1 BUMS 'R' US (465)
DR. FEELGOOD 7130 0 1 0 1 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
-BONE TAGGER 7074 0 1 0 1 THE UPSTARTS III (510)
-ROCKY BANKS 7073 0 1 0 1 SWIFT CURRENT (468)
-Y=GET ME THIS ONE 7078 0 1 0 1 MALAGUAR'S MINIONS (550)
-R'LYEH 7081 0 1 0 1 INNSMOUTH BROOD (535)
'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.
THE DEAD W L K TEAM NAME SLAIN BY TURN Revenge?
BLUD 7012 3 1 0 5 BELOW ZERO 532 QUETZACOATYL 6865 331 JUST REV
ANASTASIUS 6839 4 1 2 DARQUE AGES 536 BARON 6765 328 NOT REVE
HAMMURABI 7009 1 1 0 FACES OF ETERNITY 539 TAY STARLE 6808 328 NOT REVE
TERRA 7018 0 5 0 FIVE SPHERES 462 BORED ELF 19 332 NONE
THE BRICK 6342 8 3 0 HIT ME WITH... 503 NEWCASTLE 6669 330
CRAP 7126 0 1 0 I'M WITH STUPID 531 BORED ELF 19 332 NONE
NUMSKULL 6751 4 3 1 I'M WITH STUPID 531 MARDUK 6863 328 NOT REVE
DA 7132 0 1 0 LOCK-OUT 368 SEA MONSTER 27 332 NONE
PPAPPY 7072 0 1 0 LOCK-OUT 368 URLGEN THREE-FIS 7019 330 JUST REV
ARTEMIS 7068 0 2 0 MELEE-MAGTHERE 549 SEA MONSTER 27 332 NONE
THALACK WAEL 7129 0 1 0 MELEE-MAGTHERE 549 JORGE BLACK ORC 20 332 NONE
SPIT 6435 5 2 0 METAL MELTDOWN 344 NAPPY DUGOUT 6080 330
MAUI WOWIE! 6907 4 5 1 MY BEST BUDS 2 542 INNOCENT 6838 331
MONKEY'S PAW 7038 1 1 0 MY BEST BUDS 2 542 INNOCENT 6838 330
SOMFMA 6797 6 3 0 OGRES ARE US 270 GODFREY 6354 328 NOT REVE
THOMPSON 6970 3 5 0 POWER BROKERS 527 GARGOYLE PRINCE 25 332 NONE
910171191711 7131 0 1 0 POWER BROKERS 527 BORED ELF 19 332 NONE
BUSH 6663 8 7 1 POWER BROKERS 527 ANGRY SUE 6955 331
ANGRY SUE 6955 5 4 1 RED AVENGERS 487 JORGE BLACK ORC 20 332 NONE
SIRIUS 6193 17 24 1 RED DOG GANG 476 ACK ACK 837 332
THE DEAD W L K TEAM NAME SLAIN BY TURN Revenge?
PHYDEAU 7092 0 2 0 RED DOG GANG 476 SUGAR 7128 332
BULL DOGGAM 6088 18 30 0 RED DOG GANG 476 RIFF 6452 328 NOT REVE
BOONE 6090 12 42 0 RED DOG GANG 476 RIFF 6452 330
TEACUP TERRIER 6569 7 15 1 RED DOG GANG 476 VIKEN 6943 330
GRANTURISMO 4821 16 11 0 SAAB STORY 389 THE AYL'M'ER 6056 329
PERSONAL ADS
Ed. -- Clearly it was Pip's fault. In fact, it's always Pip's fault except when it's
Malaquar's fault and thank you. -- Guardian
Ah, I'm glad to have that straight. It's nice to have an all-purpose scape-
goat. -- Ed.
Guardian, sorry to hear you suck. You can threaten to challenge us.
The Legion Seven
Guardian, sorry to hear you suck. You can threaten to challenge us.
The DOA
Guardian, sorry to hear you suck. You can threaten to challenge us.
The FONZ
Guardian, sorry to hear you suck. You can threaten to challenge us.
The Consortium
Guardian, sorry to hear you suck. You can threaten to challenge us.
The Midnight Foundation
Guardian, sorry to hear you suck. You can threaten to challenge us.
The Frothingsloshers
Guardian, sorry to hear you suck. You can threaten to challenge us.
Pip and Malaquar
Blank verse? -- Ed.
Snotman -- You are surely welcome, my friend. I guess that Triumph simply didn't
have it.
Nuln -- You have an extremely bad habit of killing the warriors I get the most
enjoyment out of . Not my best mind you, just the cool ones. -- Rascally Rabbit
Nuln -- I doubt I'll be blood feuding, the warrior that I would use for it also
killed on the same turn yours killed Granturisimo. -- Rascally Rabbit
All -- Please welcome the newest addition to the SAAB STORY Guild house, SONETT.
Nuln, please try not to kill this one too quickly he looks like he might be fun also.
-- Rascally Rabbit
Nuln -- Did you realize that all of SAAB STORY's deaths (other than the Dark Arena)
have come from your team? -- Rascally Rabbit
All praise to Manalger, The Golden Epitome Of Tournament Champions. He is The Man!
-- All three of your admirers
All -- OK, yes...I am dragging Yukon down! Now there is a line no one has said
before! :) He of the gutter has been dragged into the sewer. -- Shadowgate
And if that sewer drains into a stream, goodbye fish. -- Ed.
Legalese -- Yeah, the karmic thing is in full effect. If only your challenges had
made it my way and I could have won some fights! :P But really, I hope to shake it
before the bonus point rounds and stay in the top three at least. -- Shadowgate
Llengeance -- Yeah, yeah! I will not be there anytime soon but I am sure Blackmyth
could take care of you in my absence! It could be fun to see how many times he sends
you to be raised again! -- White Raven
Manager -- And that right there is a prime example of the great cosmic divide between
the DOA and the FONZ. We ask people to join our alliance (err we call it a non-
alliance because no one wants to clean up after Death Stud's head explodes) because
we like them and have fun hanging out with them. Do you really think an alliance
that includes Nuln (back when his best guy was Kurregyle), Magic Man, Inferno (pre-
Mendohlson ass kicking, he hadn't had a great tourney since about 1996), Anti and me
(I've been in the alliance since I used to bring 8 guys to a face and hope that some
one freaked out and TV'd) has the #1 focus of tourney success? There is no doubt
that we focus a fair amount of our DM play on tourneys, but we are an alliance
because we like each other. We'd never ask someone we didn't like to join us, just
to pad our tourney numbers. -- Snotman
P.S. I'm sure that the BOB is regretting asking Rillion to join them.
Yukon and Shadowgate -- I am honored to be blown up by the likes of the two of you?
<Heavy Sigh> <sniffle> -- Ghoti
Marbury -- Did you think your last loss to me was a freak or something? I would
think you would know better. -- Smirlin
Silver Bells -- Someone must have rung your bell much too hard. You were the
favorite to beat me but couldn't handle it. Laugh, laugh. -- Freep
Insistent Beggar -- Since you are not in the TOGS I didn't get all the points I was
looking for. I did get my will increase however, and now I am virtually unaffected
by pain. Thank you. -- Frub
Togs Replacement -- Challenging your betters is not an effective strategy. Maybe if
you could take it you might do better. -- Namby Pamby
Guildenstern -- I can see where you might think that you could handle me. But, you
have to sing at least once to stand a chance. You look like you might need a torch
for your next fight. -- Pipsqueak
Sancho -- It could have been a much better fight for you if you had had a real
weapon. -- Twicklebum
Notice: The Wimps went 5-0-0. It might be the first time in history. -- Wimpy
Genocide -- Seems as though Brak's strategy change worked well for him last turn! --
DeGotti
Rillion & Nuln -- That missed turn was out of my control. -- DeGotti
Genocide -- I responded via diplo again this turn. -- DeGotti
Pandora -- It's good to have you here reprising your role from 40. Aradi has gone
soft and mushy. I'm sure that somehow, in some way, this is all Pip's fault. -- Nuln
Pip -- You really need to get some eye-witnesses to back you up. -- Nuln
Voyde -- Man, karma sure is quick. I knew I shouldn't have put my lucky t-shirt in
the wash. -- Nuln
Voyde -- You know, symmetry is pretty 'n all, but how 'bout we try goin' asymmetrical
on some fools? -- Gnuln
P.S. And I do mean the "good" kind of asymmetry.
Genocide -- Um, who are you? -- Nuln
Shadowgate -- Darn. We FONZ guys can use all the handicaps we can get. -- Nuln
What you haven't got enough handicaps? *grin* -- Ed., who loves double-edged
words
Private Analti -- Not much. Eh is much better than most of the alternatives these
days. I'll take eh any day of the week. In fact, I'm even a little warm and fuzzy.
-- Col. Chuckles
Henry IV -- I've heard of the VIII, but you're not bad either. Touche, mon frer,
touche. -- Son of Bloodlust
Ghost of Teacup Terrier -- Yeah, after hearing Nuln's stories about Snotman, I know a
little about compressing ectoplasm (great team/warrior name there, btw),
unfortunately. Well, I hope the authorities at least put out a warrant on Riff for
animal cruelty. And that's not even counting what he feeds his own dog. -- Son of
Bloodlust
Rillion -- I can always tell the quality of your warriors by the originality of their
names. I won't be avoiding your two newbies. >:) -- Nuln
P.S. Try breaking both his ankles this time. It'd be pretty amusing to see him
wheeling around in an electric chair. Just kidding, Hombre!
White Raven -- I usually don't like the way those turn out (LU match-ups), but I'll
take it. Saved me from the dreaded 0-5. -- Sir Z
Kaboom -- Good challenge there, youngster. I remember way back in the good ol' days
when I used to win fights. Yep, those were the days. Ahh. -- The Ayl'm'er
Hoscha -- Interesting. Very interesting. -- Asshe-Master
Indimar -- I'm sure if you challenged Son of again, you'd beat him. He's
surprisingly chumpy once you realize his true nature. You'll geek his drek big time.
I'll have to make a "note to self" to avoid you now (are you getting this reverse
psychology?). Anyway, it was nice seeing you as well. Yeah, the outdoor plumbing had
me sketched big time. I kept thinking Evil Dead. -- Nuln
Snotman -- Damn, you are bad. I've never before seen someone get an eleventh century
vowel shift busted on them with the swiftness. No wonder they call you Slick. --
Nuln
Lord of the 'O' -- I am at your command, maatttthter. *cower* -- Winker X
Aradi -- Hi everyone! Just a personal now in case I forget later. -- Rage Man
Talon -- I avoided you too! -- Leo
Street Legal -- Oops again! I'll try once again to curb my blood lust. Who ya
sending this time? -- Master Darque
Pip -- This is still clearly all your fault.
All -- I have never killed a sheep, though I did diplo one to the Dealer one time. --
Guardian
Son of Bloodlust -- I took the leftover 2002. Btw, there is a recall on the 2003
model. -- Guardian
Ed. -- Clearly.
Indeed. -- Ed.
All -- Hi. My name is Yukon. I am an idiot walking a tightrope of fortune and fame.
-- Yukon
This is T@&$, where do the fortune and fame come in. And why am I not getting
any of the former? -- Ed.
Nulnita -- Maim me, damn bro, easy. Think it's time to up the meds, man. :) What
was your team name again? Maybe it's time I do interfere with one of the TOGS guys.
Wonder if any of the other TOGS members would have a problem with it as long as I
just went after you. :) Hmmmmmmmm, get back to me with that team name. -- Barnabas
Red Dog Gang -- Don't really know what the problem is with Riff. I've had dogs on
the ranch for years, must just be red ones. :) Personally I have to admit I'd be
kickin' his butt if he killed one of my dogs, and I manage him. :) -- Barnabas
P.S. How were your replacements? There could somehow end up being a thank you
involved in this scenario. So take that, Nuln!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
Soulie -- Damn amigo, you're actually starting to carry your own weight, amazing what
lettuce will do. :) OK, I meant as far as helping out your partner and his sway
back, no really I mean you've had a couple of pretty good turns. Rumor has it you
may have made the old hit list. :) Don't know where all this money is coming from
but sorry boys I can't go after my good old buddy. :) I don't care how much Nuln
and Indimar pay me, oh I mean I don't care how much any of those guys pay me. :) Ah
yes Nuln, I have my ways. :) Maim me uh, I'll show you, amigo. :) Anyway call me
again Soulie if you need help with those strategies. -- Barnabas
Stud -- Oh you stud you, you made the biggest hit list of all (shudder). Guess you
won't be coming out to play for a while. :) Amazing how powerful a pen and paper
can be, total intimidation, man what are you going to do? Good luck old buddy, hey
man we're all here for ya, hope everything turns out OK. <tear> Damn bro, I can't
believe it, what ever will you do? -- Barnabas
Indimar -- Well my friend, you're still hanging with the big boys. Can't wait for
you to turn loose the reins and let her fly as you say. Oh man if your plan works
you'll crush them going down the stretch. What a plan. :) -- Barnabas
Pip -- Dude you are moving up the ranks with tremendous leaps and bounds. Be careful
bro, coming up to fast could give you the bends. :) Might want to warn your partner
too! You two are the bomb, so when does this strategy kick in? -- Barnabas
Hombre -- By the time you read this we will know if your master plan has been
successful. Master Waaaaaaaaaaa lets loose! -- Barnabas
Snot Man -- Allergies must be tough this year, you're looking a little like sluggy
snotty or snotty sluggy. Snot sluggish, dude you have sluggish snot no wonder, you
still have time! -- Barnabas
Oakleaf -- Standing tall, my friend? -- Barnabas
Anti -- Been through the coyote thing a time or two, nothing like gnawing on an arm.
Builds character! -- Barnabas
Street -- Things are starting to kick in man, watching for that move! -- Barnabas
Nuln -- When I went to compile, I realized I was missing a couple of critical
newsletters from the first TOGS. I am currently waiting for RSI to unlock the vault
and give me the missing information. -- Manager
Do you have turn numbers? I might have 'em. -- Ed.
Achondroplasia -- That's unfortunate. I don't know how I could live with myself if I
were ever favored to win a class only to end up with LHI winning it. -- Manager
Nuln -- You guys may not have had strategy for the DOA-FONZ challenge, but I let
DMobster and LHI come up with ours. Needless to say, that was probably worse than
having no strategy at all! -- Manager
Togsomaniacs -- I know you will be shocked to find out that I am doing this at the
last minute and need to concentrate my efforts on my spotlight. I will send out
personals to those who have them coming (and you know who you are) using the power of
my mind on Friday evening between the hours of six and nine. With the distances
involved and the number of people to contact I decided triggering an emotional
response would be easier than the stream of thought an actual message would require.
So if Friday night rolls around and you find yourself laughing for no apparent reason
or suddenly feel the need to punch someone's lights out with no provocation it's just
your old buddy Indimar sayin' howdy. -- Indimar
Mr. Negativity -- Perhaps it is all the negativity in your life that cost you the
fight. Perhaps you should become Mister Positivity. Just a thought. -- Jamaican
Gold
Sped -- I would make fun of you...but momma always said never to be mean to people
less fortunate than you...or not as smart as the case may be! -- 4-FT Part Bong
Pip The Troll (the warrior) -- That was totally uncalled for making me swing
repeatedly and not being a little more forgiving in letting me hit you. I mean I
know you wanted to win and all but you didn't have to make me look so inept during
this fight. -- Graffix
R'lakfhfruf -- Or whatever your name is. Shame on you thinking you could beat an old
man just by wearing a TON of armor. Next time respect your elders and let me beat
you easy if you're not going to win. I'm too old to have to work that hard. -- Zig
Zag Man
Freep -- I noticed indeed. Perhaps I may come back and test how well you teach when
you lose. -- An analytical Graffix
Master Darque -- I didn't really mean it when I said NEXT! Oh well c'est la vie. --
Street Legal
TGG -- Hey what happened? You are supposed to be carrying me and you can't do a very
good job of that while lying down on the job! -- Rillion
Oops, forgot to read the newsletter last turn...so I have no idea who said what. So
to cover myself I'll just say that I agree with Nuln about the neighbor's dog working
for "Robot Hitler" and to Death Stud: "Well yeah but at least I'm not short! HA!"
There, that should do it. :) -- Anti, he of the distracted ones these days
Demurrer -- Owwwwo! I lead the pack! -- Sirius, the Dog Star
Nervous Tic -- (jumping and barking) You startled me! -- Pretty Boy
Lotus Blossom -- I don't know what a "golem" is, but it hurts my teeth when I try to
bite it. Nobody warned me about this! -- Duke
X=Where's My Beer? -- Hou should Ay kneau? -- Phydeau
Artemis -- (proudly) Someday, they will learn that when they want a really good dog,
they need a bitch. -- Queenie
Nuln of the long-term top teamness -- You killed my dogs, what could we do? Er, not
"you" as in "you, personally," but more as in "these cursed animal-hating warriors of
Aradi" (who don't realize that the best of them are animals, too <I won't get into
the nature of the worst of them, golems, perhaps>). -- Spot, Red Dog Gang
Dreihdenfhlagh or something like that -- Hello-oo-oo-oooo! -- Spot yodeling back
1-4 -- Boy did that suck. -- The Greek Guy
OK, a few of you got good challenges through to me. I'll make sure to return the
favor. -- The Greek Guy
You are generosity incarnate! -- Ed.
Manager -- My apologies for almost forgetting to reply to your comments. First,
thanks for recognizing me as an up and coming manager. Secondly, no worries as far
as me sliding by the waste side, I'm in things for the long haul! Besides now that
I'm in a non-alliance the pressure has been lifted off my shoulders, no more having
to do well in all the tournaments (after all when you are in a one man alliance you
do well or you suck!) with the studster we're always guaranteed to do well, even if
we bomb. With his 95% ratio we have a lot of room for error. :) Oh thank you Death
Stud. :> Don't know if you have ever met the legend, but he is a mountain of a man.
Can't imagine anyone ever picking on him, or even thinking about putting him on a hit
list. :) Been lifting for years but feel very small next to him. Also need to
thank the old Texan, Hombre. That tobacco spitting cowboy is a lot smarter than he
looks. :) Oh and of course the old chromie himself, my good old buddy, Soultaker
(yeah don't worry Pip, I'll get around to you). Soulie thank you for all those
expensive phone bills I have acquired thanks to this game, and how do you talk so
long on one breath? Pip the genius, bro put that thing out somebody's coming. :)
Nuln, nah I'll save those thoughts for another chapter. Last but not least, Indimar
Fallon, he's the one that got the whole thing started. Thanks a lot buddy, haven't
had a penny to my name ever since! Well alrighty then, Manager there it is in a few
simple words, I ain't going nowhere, oh and DeGhotti this ones for you, I'll Pan
anybody that gets in my way. :) Alright Manager, the bottom line to this craziness
is thank you for recognizing me, it does mean a lot. Take care and good luck! I
know a secret but I can't tell. :) -- Barnabas
Wimpy -- Nice 5-0 turn! Voyde (mental note, no more trash-talking to Wimpy)
Guardian/Pip -- So glad you two decided to join this. I am truly impressed with the
quality of your stories, I am thoroughly enjoying them. This just proves one thing.
You may not be able to fight as well as us, but you can write. And here I thought
that you were both illiterate. -- Soultaker
Indimar -- Please send him, I could use some easy wins. -- Soultaker
Isn't this thing over yet? -- Dreihdenflahg
Rage Man -- I'm on to you -- Snotman
Nuln -- If it's any consolation, you aren't even close to top team right now. But #1
and #2 are Death Stud and Soultaker. Now that is scary! -- Snotman
Nuln -- ixnay onthe ecrestsay ovelay ingthay. If you let everyone in on the secret
that Soultaker and I aren't feuding it ruins all of the fun. -- Snotman
Nuln -- You are more lost than a Tropic Bikini Girl at the North Pole. You never
file anything under the word 'The.' The Lord of the Rings would be filed under 'L',
The Death Stud would be filed under 'D' (right next to Death Quilt and Death Hankie).
-- Snotman
Anti -- Dude, that hurt. You are 2-8 for the past 3 turns. I had 3 more wins this
past turn alone! -- Snotman
Anti -- Sometimes you are your own worse nightmare. You should never call yourself
Analti. That kind of thing might stick. -- Snotman
Barnabas -- You aren't supposed to kill the Red Dog guys. Just challenge them, learn
tons of skills and take the easy win. Man, the FONZ really does have a lot to teach
you. :P -- Snotman
Manager -- You know that Death Stud just likes to complain. If Hombre and Nuln TC at
the next tourney and Death Stud doesn't, that's not going to make him happy. In his
ideal world he TC's every tourney and we never TC and he bitches to us about how much
dead weight we are. -- Snotman
Indimar -- Yeah, the Lord of the O Rings is a beast and your poor Talon hardly had a
chance. -- Slick
Team 7 -- I know that people think that Nuln and I are interchangeable but we're not.
He stuffs turkey, I have a friends named Wayne King the Goat. -- Snotman
P.S. Mad cow, bird flu, mercury in the fish. What is safe to eat now?
Tofu. -- Ed.
Soultaker -- Oh come on, not even one crack about how magnificently handsome I am?
Or my amazing knowledge of warrior bases? Or my shockingly full head of hair? You
aren't even trying. -- Snotman
Soultaker -- If you'd showed us those old 7-up commercials it might have gotten
through to us. -- Snotman
Death Stud -- How's that enormous cock working out for you? Keeping the hens happy?
-- Snotman
Armalias Skyhawk -- I certainly hope that you haven't been offended. I don't know
exactly how the animal thing started, but I think that most of it was a carry-over
from the last TOGS. I hope that reason and decorum can be restored. -- Snotman
P.S. Poop, crap, drek, excrement, bm, number two!
Reason and decorum. *looks around* Yep, we're still in Aradi. You're a
dreamer. -- Ed.
All -- In case you didn't hear about the big news from the face, the FONZ (plus
Pretty Pandora) kicked the living daylights out of the BOB and DOA (and DeGotti) in a
grudge match. I just want to make it clear to everyone that it was much more
important that TC totals. -- Snotman
P.S. At least one TC lost in the grudge match showing that they will let anyone TC
these days.
Snotman -- What was my fault this time? I'm losing track. -- Pip
Almost everything. Except possibly the dead leaf in my slipper. -- Ed.
Mr. Voyde -- Don't think I didn't notice that. -- Pip
Barnabus -- You pulling a "Ganolus", and disappearing on us? -- Pip
Pandora -- Ooh, that is titillating! -- Death Stud
Genocide -- I got rid of the old Sails of Charon team and when I brought a new one
in, I just decided to do something different. But, Sails of Charon is one of my most
favorite team names ever. -- Death Stud
Nuln -- Do you really need to ask? Of course we're all embarrassed that we let you
stay top team for so long. Is there no respect for well-established Aradi tradition
anymore? -- The Death Studs, speaking for all of Aradi
Nuln -- If Soultaker and I get the booby prize, our arrangement is for me to get the
left and for him to get the right. -- Death Stud
P.S. Thanks for covering, Ed.
That hole you're digging, you're trying to reach China, right? -- Ed.
P.S. Now I just HAVE to work up a good recipe for musk chunk cookies.
Nuln and Voyde -- I also got the Beowulf joke (at least I think I did). As for the
rest of the yokels here, they'll understand it when Sports Illustrated comes out with
the T#&S IV in Recap picturebook. -- Death Stud
Winker X -- Yes, all that dodging was very impressive. Hats off to defense. --
Lightning
Voyde -- Yes, the potential of that symmetry of that tantalizing indeed. Kudos to
you guys for being able to pull it off with style. Thanks for the congratulations,
hopefully we can keep it up <fingers crossed>. -- Death Studs
Shadowgate -- RE: being tied for first and Rillion/TGG. You were saying? -- Death
Stud
P.S. Just five more turns like the last three and we'll be good to go. Not likely,
huh?
Manager -- I beg to differ. Anti was NEVER a "hot" manager. -- Death Stud
P.S. OK, as long as you were just kidding.
Manager -- I'm just not the "firm hand of control" kind of guy. Plus, Anti is the de
facto leader of the FONZ, so I'm not really in a position to do any sort of whip-
cracking. I'm just a follower. I do appreciate the good advice to Barnabas, but you
and I both know that it's just been dumb, beginner's luck and that he'll be
scrabbling to match Inferno's meager tourney performance soon. Just a matter of
time. -- Death Stud
Wait a minute. The Asian bird flu can't be communicated through intimate contact,
can it? -- Death Studs
Mansnot -- Congratulations on getting Lord of the O Rings into the Ch. Champs. You
wouldn't challenge a brother, would you? <best charming smile> -- Lightning
Mansnot and Anti -- You guys are TEARING IT UP! So much so that I noticed that The
Upstarts III were the most avoided team last turn (what sort of hallucinogenic moment
was Master Darque having?). -- Death Studs
Gazrekk -- Get that weak junk out of here or you'll get swatting into the fourth row
again. -- Lightning, a monster down in the paint
Bong -- Oh, it's like THAT, is it? -- The-Shocker
Nuln -- Yeah, you're probably right, but I doubt I have 50 points to take! -- CFH
P.S. BTW, nothing personal with the spots. But every turn that I've been here you've
come across as the arena speed-bag/whipping boy. Why mess with the local customs?
(G)
Snotman -- Yeah, my grandma goes harder than Ed. and she's been dead for 12 years. --
CFH
P.S. Don't have the foggiest about warrior names. I've had people come back with
completely different names or, more recently, shortened versions. That was the case
with Blud (now dead) who was submitted as Bloudenseaman. Needless to say I wasn't
able to convince them that is was Swedish. (Got a letter for that one.)
Ed. -- When you start getting quarters I'll start getting censored on purpose. We'll
split it and both be 12.5 cents richer per attempt! -- CFH
P.S. You should name your booby prize the Janet Jackson achievement award.
Hmmm...I'll consider it. -- Ed.
P.S. Absolutely not. Have to have SOME standards!
Wimpy -- Great turn last cycle. We moved up two places, and we are back in this
thing. -- Judge
Pip the Troll -- Why have you forsaken thou in Aljafir? Too busy here with the TOGS?
-- Judge
Blud -- The gods favor me! -- Quetzacoatyl
The French -- See you at the gristmill. -- Lancelot
Melee-Magthere -- Who let these horse flies in? -- Faces of Eternity
Urlgen Three-Fist -- Nice, I really thought you'd get more rec points than you
received. I'll try again this turn -- Elephant
28 January 2004
All -- I send out this invitation to all teams and managers. A new Alliance has been
formed. The Living Essences Alliance is being formed to join forces in an effort to
eliminate common foes and to help the joined warriors grow and learn to the best of
their abilities by offering suggestions and advice. It doesn't matter what arena
you're in, or if you're in another alliance already, as of today. This Alliance is
open to one and all! If you are interested in joining, please DIPLO me, or send a
personal ad to DM 93's newsletter. If you wish to join beyond March 2004, send a PA
to DM 82. Come join the fun! -- Dagan LifeGiver, mgr. Shadow Warriors (DM 93)
28 January 2004
This notice is to formally introduce our young alliance, CHAOS INC. We consist of
APEX, FLAGG, MATRIX, ASSAMITE, and now RUDE BUDDHA. If we aren't already there, we
WILL be coming to an arena near you soon! Hope to see you all at the ZALCON II.
4 February 2004
Greeting from Jhans, DM 36 -- In 2 turns the kLk will host our first annual "St.
Valentines Day Massacre" in Jhans, arena 36. (Kill Contest) The contest will begin
on turn 450. It will run for 10 turns. On turn 461 the winners will be announced.
There will be 3 separate categories, the team with the most kills, the alliance with
the most kills, and the warrior with the most kills. For the manager of the team
with the most kills a PRIZE of 10 ROLL-UPS will be rewarded (or $50 deposited into
his account). No need to declare yourself in the personals. If you are in DM 36,
you will be part of the contest whether you like it or not. We encourage as much
trash talk as you'd like. All teams, managers, and alliances invited. Please
contact Polarius (mgr. of Blitzkrieg) in DM 36 with questions. Or you can email me
at jamieptmo@hotmail.com. Good luck and see you in the sands. -- Polarius
25 February 2004
Readers, and especially those who volunteered warriors -- My apologies for the sudden
lack of episodes. I've been sick, but expect to be back at the keyboard soon. -- the
Scribe
LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS
ANGRY SUE was butchered by JORGE BLACK ORC in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
THOMPSON was butchered by GARGOYLE PRINCE in a 3 minute brutal Dark Arena duel.
TERRA was easily killed by BORED ELF in a 1 minute gory Dark Arena match.
ARTEMIS was slaughtered by SEA MONSTER in a crowd pleasing 1 minute Dark Arena brawl.
DA was assassinated by SEA MONSTER in a 1 minute bloody Dark Arena match.
910171191711 was butchered by BORED ELF in a 1 minute gory Dark Arena duel.
THALACK WAEL was butchered by JORGE BLACK ORC in a 1 minute bloody Dark Arena match.
CRAP was easily killed by BORED ELF in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
WON TOO MANY was viciously subdued by THE AYL'M'ER in a 1 minute Bloodfeud melee.
MARBURY outlasted URLGEN THREE-FIST in a slow 13 minute uneven Bloodfeud duel.
STRANGLEMEELMO overpowered QUETZACOATYL in a 1 minute uneven Bloodfeud match.
GRAFFIX was overpowered by INNOCENT in a 1 minute one-sided Bloodfeud fight.
WINKER X demolished OBITER DICTA in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge competition.
GUMMI GHOUL demolished DEMURRER in a popular 1 minute mismatched Challenge match.
SIR ZESTALOT was handily defeated by LIGHTNING IX in a 1 minute Challenge conflict.
NAPPY DUGOUT was vanquished by GAZREKK in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge bout.
TALON was vanquished by KABOOM in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fray.
BLACKBURST bested HEADROCK in a popular 2 minute master's Challenge brawl.
ACK ACK executed SIRIUS in a 1 minute brutal one-sided Challenge match.
BLUE BEANIE was beaten by TRIPLICATE THUNDER in a 1 minute master's Challenge fight.
CYVIN viciously subdued LACHES in a action packed 6 minute veteran's Challenge bout.
NOODLES overpowered DERRIN in a 1 minute uneven Challenge fray.
SUPERNOVA was handily defeated by SMIRLIN in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge contest.
KARATE WRECKER demolished MC CAIN in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
FREEP outwaited EDDIE THE ECHO in a popular 10 minute Challenge match.
TAY STARLE viciously subdued MARDUK in a 2 minute gory Challenge fight.
HERROL was savagely defeated by CYCLONE in a exciting 3 minute Challenge melee.
4-FT PARTY BONG handily defeated HENRY IV in a 1 minute uneven Challenge bout.
LEO savagely defeated TOGS STINKER in a action packed 3 minute Challenge competition.
VIKEN was overpowered by GOURMET GRUEL in a 1 minute gruesome uneven Challenge fight.
JAMAICAN GOLD was luckily beaten by FRUB in a 12 minute Challenge match.
HOSCHA was beaten by SHARP STICK in a popular 1 minute Challenge bout.
S.L.A.P.P. handily defeated JAMIS in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge match.
NAMBY PAMBY vanquished GROVER in a exciting 1 minute mismatched Challenge fight.
DICHABOD was savagely defeated by ANGRY SANTA in a 18 minute Challenge struggle.
SILVER BELLS overpowered PIKEL in a crowd pleasing 1 minute one-sided Challenge match.
BARON vanquished IKER in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
GUILDENSTERN was vanquished by FLORIN FALCONHAND in a 1 minute Challenge bout.
T-MAC demolished VORPAL BUNNY in a exciting 1 minute uneven Challenge competition.
MR OBLIVIOUS was subdued by BONG in a 3 minute Challenge duel.
THE-SHOCKER vanquished TWICKLEBUM in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge struggle.
TA'LON THE VILE was handily defeated by SLIPKNOT in a 2 minute Challenge duel.
ASSHE-MASTER savagely defeated HANGMAN in a tiresome 6 minute bloody Challenge brawl.
THE FRENCH was handily defeated by LANCELOT in a 1 minute Challenge conflict.
XXX luckily beat HELL MARY in a exciting 4 minute gory Challenge fight.
ORIGINAL SHOCKER vanquished TOSSED SALAD in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
WEED 4 MOM was handily defeated by TOGS REPLACEMENT in a 1 minute Challenge bout.
TOGS DIXIE was savagely defeated by ZIG-ZAG MAN in a 1 minute Challenge match.
TELESPHORUS was demolished by WATER in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge battle.
SQUIRTY JOE luckily beat LEGS ANDARMS in a crowd pleasing 3 minute Challenge conflict.
URBAN luckily beat FLICKED BOOGERS in a monotonous 4 minute Challenge struggle.
ANASTASIUS II demolished LOUKMAD in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge brawl.
ACUTE bested LORD OF THE O RINGS in a 2 minute veteran's match.
BRAK was viciously subdued by THUNDRA in a popular 4 minute gruesome veteran's brawl.
WHITE RAVEN was bested by ROSENCRANTZ in a popular 1 minute fight.
QUICKSAND devastated AVIENDHA in a 1 minute mismatched conflict.
THORNE beat WIND in a popular 3 minute gruesome match.
MISTRESS BOMBTRONIC luckily beat DREK in a crowd pleasing 8 minute veteran's conflict.
SANDSTORM overpowered GOLDFISH in a 1 minute one-sided struggle.
SYDA HAMMIE overpowered HELMS in a 1 minute one-sided brawl.
MURRAY viciously subdued SPONGEBOB in a 2 minute gory duel.
INSISTANT BEGGAR was savagely defeated by ZERBERT in a tiring 21 minute fight.
PIPSQUEAK vanquished HAPPY PEASANT in a 1 minute one-sided match.
SON OF BLOODLUST narrowly defeated ANDROGENOUS STRAIN in a popular 6 minute gory duel.
DUNNO was bested by TYPHOON XXII in a action packed 4 minute match.
FLAME devastated SCRAG in a exciting 1 minute one-sided bout.
BING savagely defeated DOVE FALCONHAND in a 3 minute gory fight.
WILDFIRE defeated VICIOUS RUMOR in a 2 minute brawl.
THE GREEK GUY viciously subdued MAIMONIDES in a exciting 2 minute bloody struggle.
INDIMAR'S FAXMACHINE demolished ULFGANG in a crowd pleasing 1 minute uneven match.
TRUST FUND BABY was overpowered by JARLAXLE in a 1 minute uneven fight.
PIP THE TROLL overcame IAGO in a 2 minute match.
SPED handily defeated POLITE BEGGAR in a 1 minute one-sided melee.
MR. NEGATIVITY vanquished NERVOUS TIC in a 1 minute one-sided fight.
RYLD was unbelievably bested by PRETTY BOY in a action packed 2 minute bloody match.
VOLCANO slimly won victory over VERDICT in a 3 minute bloody novice's match.
IVAN was beaten by VOHDE in a monotonous 6 minute novice's struggle.
ERIK THE RED was defeated by SONNETT in a exciting 2 minute novice's fray.
DUKE viciously subdued DR. FEELGOOD in a popular 7 minute brutal amateur's match.
PHYDEAU was executed by SUGAR in a 1 minute uneven duel.
QUEENIE demolished MANAGER in a 1 minute brutal uneven duel.
BATTLE REPORT
MOST POPULAR RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS
|FIGHTING STYLE FIGHTS FIGHTING STYLE W - L - K PERCENT|
|LUNGING ATTACK 36 TOTAL PARRY 144 - 123 - 1 54 |
|STRIKING ATTACK 33 STRIKING ATTACK 176 - 152 - 11 54 |
|TOTAL PARRY 27 AIMED BLOW 49 - 56 - 0 47 |
|SLASHING ATTACK 14 WALL OF STEEL 47 - 54 - 1 47 |
|WALL OF STEEL 12 LUNGING ATTACK 171 - 198 - 6 46 |
|AIMED BLOW 10 PARRY-LUNGE 24 - 29 - 3 45 |
|BASHING ATTACK 10 SLASHING ATTACK 78 - 97 - 7 45 |
|PARRY-LUNGE 6 BASHING ATTACK 51 - 67 - 4 43 |
|PARRY-STRIKE 2 PARRY-STRIKE 19 - 32 - 1 37 |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE 2 PARRY-RIPOSTE 14 - 25 - 0 36 |
Turn 332 was great if you Not so great if you used The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles: the fighting styles: top eleven warriors are:
TOTAL PARRY 17 - 10 AIMED BLOW 4 - 6 4 STRIKING ATTACK
STRIKING ATTACK 19 - 14 BASHING ATTACK 4 - 6 3 LUNGING ATTACK
SLASHING ATTACK 8 - 6 LUNGING ATTACK 14 - 22 2 WALL OF STEEL
PARRY-LUNGE 3 - 3 WALL OF STEEL 3 - 9 2 SLASHING ATTACK
PARRY-STRIKE 1 - 1 PARRY-RIPOSTE 0 - 2
TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE
FIGHTING STYLE WARRIOR W L K PNTS TEAM NAME
STRIKING ATTACK LIGHTNING IX 4866 12 4 2 199 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
WALL OF STEEL THUNDRA 5122 21 13 1 142 FA CHING (388)
LUNGING ATTACK WINKER X 6470 13 11 0 108 4000 BLOWS (107)
PARRY-LUNGE LORD OF THE O RINGS 6022 22 12 1 93 WILD CARDS (148)
SLASHING ATTACK QUICKSAND 6554 14 7 1 92 NATURAL DISASTERS (159)
PARRY-STRIKE CYVIN 5258 10 8 1 71 FA CHING (388)
TOTAL PARRY BLUE BEANIE 6461 11 10 1 70 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
BASHING ATTACK DEMURRER 5828 13 11 2 68 LEGALESE (449)
AIMED BLOW LEO 6837 7 2 0 66 DARQUE AGES (536)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.
The overall popularity leader is BLACKBURST 5025. The most popular warrior this turn
was EDDIE THE ECHO 3770. The ten other most popular fighters were CYCLONE 6816,
CYVIN 5258, THUNDRA 5122, DREK 836, DUKE 7090, SON OF BLOODLUST 6823, HELL MARY 6760,
WIND 5906, LEGS ANDARMS 7020, and BLACKBURST 5025.
The least popular fighter this week was INSISTANT BEGGAR 6630. The other ten least
popular fighters were ZERBERT 6243, DICHABOD 6912, MARBURY 4499, URLGEN THREE-FIST
7019, ANGRY SANTA 6828, FRUB 6794, URBAN 7035, HANGMAN 6761, VOHDE 7040, and FLICKED
BOOGERS 6989.
The following warriors have traveled to ADVANCED DUELMASTERS after fighting this turn:
ACUTE (60-6048) THIEVES GUILD (396)
GAZREKK (60-6438) DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)