DUELMASTERS NEWSLETTER Date : 03/12/2004 Duedate: 03/25/2004 ARADI ARENA DM-60 TURN-334 This Weeks Top Honors THE DUELMASTER IS GUMMI GHOUL THE UPSTARTS III (510) (60-6411) [13-4-1,122] Chartered Recognition Leader Unchartered Recognition Leader GUMMI GHOUL RYLD THE UPSTARTS III (510) MELEE-MAGTHERE (549) (60-6411) [13-4-1,122] (60-7067) [1-3-0,24] Popularity Leader This Weeks Favorite NAPPY DUGOUT EDDIE THE ECHO WILD CARDS (148) DEATH STUDS VII (301) (60-6080) [15-18-1,78] (60-3770) [5-5-1,52] THE CURRENT TOP TEAM FA CHING (388) TEAMS ON THE MOVE TOP CAREER HONORS Team Name Point Gain Chartered Team 1. RED AVENGERS (487) 42 2. HIT ME WITH... (503) 37 RED AVENGERS (487) 3. POWER BROKERS (527) 33 Unchartered Team 4. THE UPSTARTS III (510) 33 5. DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) 32 INQUISITION SG-1 (540) The Top Teams Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K 1/ 0*INQUISITION SG-1 (540) 1 0 0 100 1/ 4 FA CHING (388) 13 2 0 2- 1*MALAQUAR'S MINIONS (550) 8 2 0 80.0 2/ 2 NATURAL DISASTERS (159) 11 4 0 3/ 2 RED AVENGERS (487) 39 21 1 65.0 3/13 LOCK-OUT (368) 10 5 2 4- 3*5 BELOW ZERO (532) 21 14 2 60.0 4/ 3 DEATH STUDS VII (301) 10 5 0 5/ 5 I'M WITH STUPID (531) 37 28 1 56.9 5/ 6 RED AVENGERS (487) 10 5 0 6/ 4 LUROCIANS VI (431) 103 79 7 56.6 6/14 SHADOW SIGNS (491) 9 5 0 7- 7 SAAB STORY (389) 104 81 8 56.2 7/ 1 WIMPS OF DEATH (66) 9 6 1 8/ 9 POWER BROKERS (527) 49 39 6 55.7 8/ 5 DARQUE AGES (536) 8 5 0 9/ 6 DARQUE AGES (536) 28 23 5 54.9 9/20 4000 BLOWS (107) 8 7 0 10/13 SWIFT CURRENT (468) 90 79 8 53.3 10/ 8 WILD CARDS (148) 8 7 0 11/10 NATURAL DISASTERS (159) 582 511 19 53.2 11/ 7 I'M WITH STUPID (531) 8 7 0 12/12 DEATH STUDS VII (301) 329 291 8 53.1 12/25 THE UPSTARTS III (510) 7 7 0 13/11 WIMPS OF DEATH (66) 531 470 31 53.0 13/19 FIVE SPHERES (462) 7 8 0 14/14 WILD CARDS (148) 699 635 26 52.4 14/29 POWER BROKERS (527) 7 8 0 15/16 LOCK-OUT (368) 50 46 3 52.1 15/15 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 7 8 0 16/18 SHADOW SIGNS (491) 77 73 1 51.3 16/21 LUROCIANS VI (431) 6 4 1 17/17 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 157 149 12 51.3 17-10*5 BELOW ZERO (532) 6 4 1 18/15 WING HOVE (529) 33 32 3 50.8 18/27 HIT ME WITH... (503) 6 8 0 Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K 19/20 FA CHING (388) 100 107 3 48.3 19/24 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185) 6 9 0 20/19 OGRES ARE US (270) 145 157 2 48.0 20/11 OGRES ARE US (270) 6 9 0 21-21 THIEVES GUILD (396) 123 136 5 47.5 21/17 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 6 9 0 22/22 4000 BLOWS (107) 557 623 27 47.2 22-16 R.J.G. (475) 5 5 0 23/31 HIT ME WITH... (503) 24 29 0 45.3 23/22 LOSERS (544) 5 10 0 24/24 THE UNDERWORLD (15) 54 68 6 44.3 24- 9*MALAQUAR'S MINIONS (550) 4 1 0 25/27 BUMS 'R' US (465) 123 159 0 43.6 25/18 RED DOG GANG (476) 4 7 0 26/25 LOSERS (544) 23 31 2 42.6 26/23 LEGALESE (449) 4 11 0 27/29 LEGALESE (449) 62 85 3 42.2 27-12 THIEVES GUILD (396) 3 2 0 28/30 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 25 35 1 41.7 28/38 SWIFT CURRENT (468) 3 3 0 29-32 R.J.G. (475) 71 106 1 40.1 29/31 WING HOVE (529) 3 7 0 30-33 BLACK FRIARS (521) 35 53 3 39.8 30/32 BUMS 'R' US (465) 3 9 0 31/36 THE UPSTARTS III (510) 30 49 3 38.0 31/26*MELEE-MAGTHERE (549) 3 10 1 32/35 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185) 68 114 3 37.4 32/33 THE UNDERWORLD (15) 3 11 2 33/37 FIVE SPHERES (462) 28 47 1 37.3 33/28 FACES OF ETERNITY (539) 2 13 0 34/34 RED DOG GANG (476) 225 387 3 36.8 34/ 0*INQUISITION SG-1 (540) 1 0 0 35/38*I HATE THEM (480) 5 12 0 29.4 35-35 SAAB STORY (389) 1 1 0 36/40 FACES OF ETERNITY (539) 17 43 2 28.3 36-30 BLACK FRIARS (521) 1 3 0 37/39*MELEE-MAGTHERE (549) 4 14 1 22.2 37/39*I HATE THEM (480) 1 8 0 '*' Unchartered team '-' Team did not fight this turn (###) Avoid teams by their Team Id ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank TEAM SPOTLIGHT + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ TOGS Report ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + =========================================================================== WARRIOR: WARRIOR: WINNER: PNTS: ======== ======== ======= ===== SANDSTORM handily defeated BLUE BEANIE TEAM 2 10 THE-SHOCKER demolished SHARP STICK TEAM 2 10 EDDIE THE ECHO overpowered DUNNO TEAM 2 10 JAMAICAN GOLD was luckily beaten by ANGRY SANTA TEAM 2 7 VOLCANO overcame HELL MARY TEAM 2 10 QUICKSAND viciously subdued NOODLES TEAM 2 7 DEMURRER was overpowered by CYCLONE TEAM 2 7 -TOTAL: 61 LACHES was viciously subdued by WHITE RAVEN TEAM 3 7 ZYLLEIX'S SHADE handily defeated TOSSED SALAD TEAM 3 10 GROVER overpowered DOVE FALCONHAND TEAM 3 10 ANDROGENOUS STRAIN was beaten by XXX TEAM 3 7 TELLY savagely defeated OWL-LEN-L-NER TEAM 3 7 -TOTAL: 41 SMIRLIN was handily defeated by OBITER DICTA TEAM 4 7 FREEP unbelievably bested FLORIN FALCONHAND TEAM 4 10 FRUB luckily beat SON OF BLOODLUST TEAM 4 10 LANCELOT was butchered by NAMBY PAMBY TEAM 4 7 VOHDE was viciously subdued by TWICKLEBUM TEAM 4 7 -TOTAL: 41 STRANGLEMEELMO overpowered QUETZACOATYL TEAM 5 4 WILDFIRE was viciously subdued by MR. NEGATIVITY TEAM 5 7 HANGMAN defeated ZIG-ZAG MAN TEAM 5 7 -TOTAL: 18 DR. FEELGOOD unbelievably bested INNOCENT TEAM 6 10 MARDUK was handily defeated by GOURMET GRUEL TEAM 6 7 WATER was demolished by VORPAL BUNNY TEAM 6 7 4-FT PARTY BONG overpowered WURL POOLE TEAM 6 4 IKER overpowered BONG TEAM 6 7 SPONGEBOB won victory over S.L.A.P.P. TEAM 6 7 -TOTAL: 42 WINKER X viciously subdued NAPPY DUGOUT TEAM 7 7 WIND savagely defeated INSISTANT BEGGAR TEAM 7 4 -TOTAL: 11 MARBURY outwaited URLGEN THREE-FIST TEAM 8 4 FLAME was assassinated by T-MAC TEAM 8 7 BARON easily killed PIPSQUEAK TEAM 8 10 WEED 4 MOM won victory over VICIOUS RUMOR TEAM 8 7 -TOTAL: 28 LORD OF THE O RINGS was bested by HEADROCK TEAM 9 7 HOSCHA bested SILVER BELLS TEAM 9 10 LOUKMAD handily defeated ERIK THE RED TEAM 9 10 VIKEN was unbelievably bested byPIKEL TEAM 9 7 IVAN subdued LOTUS BLOSSOM TEAM 9 4 -TOTAL: 38 GUMMI GHOUL overpowered KABOOM TEAM 10 10 TRIPLICATE THUNDER overpowered M. CHARDINEE TEAM 10 4 MR OBLIVIOUS bested NERVOUS TIC TEAM 10 4 -TOTAL: 18 TYPHOON XXII was vanquished by TOGS STINKER TEAM 11 7 LLUCKY DAY outwaited HELMS TEAM 11 4 LLUPERIOR LLORCES assassinated MC CAIN TEAM 11 4 MAIMONIDES was viciously subdued by TOGS REPLACEMENT TEAM 11 7 ASSHE-MASTER was savagely defeated by LIMPY LIMPY TEAM 11 7 -TOTAL: 29 INDIMAR'S FAXMACHINEwas unbelievably bested byURBAN TEAM 12 7 ROCKY BANKS was handily defeated by ANASTASIUS II TEAM 12 4 -TOTAL: 11 SCRAG vanquished GRAFFIX TEAM 13 7 FLICKED BOOGERS narrowly defeated TELESPHORUS TEAM 13 7 PIP THE TROLL bested SPED TEAM 13 4 MANAGER subdued SUGAR TEAM 13 7 -TOTAL: 25 THUNDRA defeated LIGHTNING IX TEAM 14 10 THE AYL'M'ER was bested by BLACKBURST TEAM 14 7 LLUGS AND LLISSES was savagely defeated by AVIENDHA TEAM 14 7 SYDA HAMMIE was beaten by CYVIN TEAM 14 7 ACK ACK was subdued by THORNE TEAM 14 4 MISTRESS BOMBTRONIC was viciously subdued by SUPERNOVA TEAM 14 7 RIP RAP was luckily beaten by ZERBERT TEAM 14 4 VERDICT was overpowered by TOGS WINNER TEAM 14 7 -TOTAL: 53 MURRAY vanquished BING TEAM 15 7 BUSTED NUTS slimly lost to KERRY TEAM 15 7 -TOTAL: 14 ============================================================================== T333 TOGS totals (1.5 multiplier) TOTAL Turn 10 Turn 10 Turn 10 Turn 10 Turn 10 TEAM POINTS Fights Spots Ads Avoids DM ------- ------------------- ------- -- ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ TEAM 2 650 91.5 15 -7.5 DEATH STUD / SOULTAKER TEAM 14 571.5 79.5 15 15 RAGE MAN / DEGOTTI TEAM 3 560.5 61.5 15 SHADOWGATE / YUKON TEAM 11 514.5 43.5 15 THE GREEK GUY / RILLION TEAM 4 463.5 61.5 15 WIMPY / JUDGE TEAM 8 425 42 7.5 -7.5 ELEPHANT / SIR INDIMAR TEAM 7 418.5 16.5 15 NULN / VOYDE TEAM 9 412 57 7.5 -7.5 GHOTI / ARMALIAS SKYHAWK TEAM 6 411.5 63 7.5 DREIDENFLAHG / STREET LEGAL TEAM 12 366 16.5 7.5 ONEDAWG / MASTER DARQUE TEAM 10 329 27 7.5 -7.5 ANTI / SNOTMAN TEAM 13 321.5 37.5 15 PIP THE TROLL / GUARDIAN TEAM 1 272.5 0 0 -7.5 GANOLUS / HOMBRE (BEN WA) TEAM 15 216 21 0 -15 RUDE BUDDHA / MANNEQUIN TEAM 5 102.5 27 0 -7.5 JACK WOLFSPIDER / CFH =========================================================================== We have a new Duelmaster and a new top team for turn 10. Congrats to Rage Man and DeGotti for 109.5 points with the multipliers and for taking the throne at a critical time in this contest. Your certificates will go out tonight. There are 3 more turns left, but it seems some of you are giving up. (Not that I'm one to talk.) But remember, we have one more turn with all points multiplied by 1.5, and then two turns with all points multiplied by 2. Anything can happen and probably will. Also, just a quick reminder, if your spotlight is not DM/Fantasy related, you will not receive points for it, even if it meets the length requirement. -- Ganolus Oakleaf + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ I Hate Them: "Origins" ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + "CRASH!!!!!!" Caeser kicked in the back door of the I Hate Them guildhouse. "Caeser, what in the hell do you think you are doing?!?!" asked Mad Max, manager of the I Hate Them guildhouse. "You could have just opened the door. It wasn't locked." "Max, we've got to get out of here! There's no time to talk; we've got to go. NOW!!" Caeser shouted. Mad Max strolled over to the heavy wooden door lying in shards on the ground. "Caeser, I have no time to deal with your drunken stupidity today." said Mad Max. "I've got a lot of stuff to do. Why don't you go and bother the Dark One. I think he's in town today training his little killing machine for the upcoming tourney. That little English guy is one bad...." "I'M NOT DRUNK!!!!!" screamed Caeser. "YOU AREN'T LISTENING TO ME! WE HAVE TO GO NOW!!!!!!!" "Caeser, calm down. What are you talking about?" asked Mad Max. "What's gotten you so excited? Other than booze, that is?" Caeser took a deep breath and sighed. He was trembling. "OK, I...I...I was the at the Green Dragon Tavern..." Caeser stammered, "...for my usual barrel of mead for breakfast and I heard 2 peasants talking about the arena fights here in Aradi. They said that the Dark One was killed. Some manager had him as a warrior. He was sent into the Dark Arena...." Caeser whined as he burst into tears. "Yeah, I know." responded Mad Max. "You know?!?!?!" screamed Caeser in between sobs. "Why didn't you stop it?" "Stop it??? I'm the one that DAed him." said Mad Max Caeser looked up from blowing his nose on his robes. A look of horror swept across his face. He rose from the fetal position and crept back against the wall like a crazed animal that knows it's been cornered by its enemy. His eyes were darting back and forth searching for something. "Max, listen. I'll give you anything you want. ANYTHING! I have gold, jewels, women, food. You name it. Just please don't hurt me." Caeser begged as he dropped to his knees. "Caeser, get up!" Mad Max said as he pulled Caeser to his feet. "It wasn't the real Dark One. It was a clone." "A CLONE?!?!?!?!" Caeser screamed. "What do you mean, clone????" "Relax, Caeser. Here, take a seat. I'll explain it to you." said Mad Max. "Ok, I was playing cards a few years back with Soultaker, Death Stud and the Sandman. I had just gotten this monster hand. Aces over Kings full and...." said Max. "You weren't wearing your glasses were you?" asked Caeser rudely. "Of course I was!" responded Mad Max sharply. "Only a fool plays cards with someone named "Soultaker" without the use of x-ray vision glasses. I'm not Guardian you know.... I'm not about to get taken for everything like some chump. I needed an advantage.... Anyway, like I was saying, I had a monster hand. I saw that Soultaker had Sevens over Threes. The bidding was getting out of hand. Baldy had just bet this machine of his that he had been using to clone sheep for what he says were experiments.... Of course we all knew that Soully boy was using the sheep for some evening activity of his.... When I won the cloning machine off of Soultaker he cried like a little girl. It was great!" Caeser interrupted again, "You just said that Soultaker used it to clone sheep. Sheep aren't managers, unless you're Nuln of course...." "It wasn't hard too hard to modify." said Max. "I redesigned it take human DNA instead of animal DNA. I can clone anyone that I want to as long as I have a sample. I just cloned Poison Ivy...." "Really?!?!??!" drooled Caeser. "Relax, Caeser. I DAed her. She didn't turn out anywhere as near as well as I would have liked." "Clone me!!!!!" screamed Caeser. "I'll bet you that my clone can survive the Dark Arena...." "We'll see, Caeser, we'll see." + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Red Avengers ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + It was morning. Soultaker woke up, thirsty for a glass of water. He tried to move his hands, but noticed that they had been handcuffed together. "I'm not in the mood to play one of your crazy sex games now," he talked aloud to Pandora, his wife. He tried to stand up, but noticed that he was chained to the to the wall as well. 'Pandora must be really kinky this morning,' he thought. He rubbed his eyes and realized that he was in a prison cell. While it wasn't all unusual for Soultaker to wake up in a jail, he didn't remember getting drunk last night and this looked more like a dungeon than a prison. He looked around and noticed several of the FONZ members in adjacent cells. "Geez, about time you got up." said Ganolus. "What happened?" asked Soultaker. "We have gotten kidnapped in our sleep," said Snotman. "All of the active members of the FONZ except Barnabas look like they are here." "Well, hopefully Barnabas will save us." said Hombre, "I can't stay here long. There's no sun. The air is too dry, and I won't make it without any moisturizer." "Don't count on it." The door to the dungeon was slammed open and Manager walked in the door. "Manager!" Soultaker shouted, "I should have known you would be behind this!" "Yes, it's me." Manager nodded, "You are being held as captives in DOA Dungeon, but trust me, I didn't order this kidnapping, I am just following orders here." "If not you, then who?" asked Anti. "Look around, don't you notice that one of the active FONZ members other than Barnabas is missing?" The members of the FONZ looked around at each other in the jail cells. "I don't see anyone...." said Ganolus. "Of course you don't see anyone! It's me!" A small figure crept out from behind Manger, "I am the one responsible for this!" The FONZ members gasped as the diminutive one stepped into the light. "OMG! It's Death Stud! He joined the DOA and is now going with the induction ceremony of executing his former alliance-mates!" Hombre gasped before correcting himself, "Not that I'm familiar with DOA induction ceremonies or anything." "No no no...it's not that." Death Stud sighed, "I'm sorry to do this, I really am, but you left me no choice. This is for your own good." Death Stud turned his head and shed a tear at seeing his non-alliance-mates imprisoned. "There there," Manager patted Death Stud on the shoulder, "You are doing the right thing. What you are doing is very brave. I'm proud of you." "What are you two babbling about?" said Snotman, "How can locking us up be for our own good? I can see how locking us up would be good for the world in general-- but not ourselves personally." "Let me explain." said Manager, "Only a few years ago, the FONZ was a well oiled machine. You guys were the top alliance, winning the most TCs, and having one of the highest TV percentages. Slowly, everything changed. You started relying too much on Death Stud to carry the load. You grew lazy, running on maintenance and planning for only one tournament a year. You have been brought here today because this is DOA Boot Camp. A rigorous training program for managers who have lost their way. We have designed a specialized program for each one of you that will help fix the lazy habits you've had over the years and hopefully bring you back to your former glory. Only Barnabas gets excused--for now because he's new. But rest assured, he will be sent here if he starts to get out of line." "See, I'm doing this out of love!" said Death Stud, "And to fix my hunch back from carrying you all the time." "You know, I wish this dungeon were more comfortable," said Hombre, "But the DOA really does have a lot to offer. They aren't the best--er second best alliance for a reason. Maybe we should listen to them." "Beer! I need beer!" a loud and powerful voice cried out from behind of the cells. Everyone looked at the manager called Inferno who was quivering in the corner, suffering from massive alcohol withdrawal symptoms. "Sorry, Inferno," said Manager, "I'll get you some beer with breakfast, but not until after this morning's training session." "Training session?" "Yes, training session." noted Manager, "Your wrists, and fingers are pathetically out of shape. During a big tournament, you may have to fill out hundreds of strategy sheets. You need to have your writing hand in good shape so that it won't get tired and slow you down during the runoffs. When your hands get fatigued, you tend to write 'SAME' more often than not, and that's not always the best strategy option." As Manager was giving his speech, Shadowgate walked in the door holding a big box of strategy sheets and several pencils. "I'm in charge of training." the shadowy manager declared, "You must each will out 1000 strategy sheets with different strategies, and you are not allowed to write SAME or use arrows or lines. Each box must be filled!" "And if we refuse to obey?" questioned Anti. "Notice the collars around your neck?" Shadowgate grabbed a small box out of his cloak and pressed a button on the box. The members of the FONZ writhed around in pain as electricity jolted through their bodies. "Ow, I was just asking!" cried Anti. "That looks like fun." chirped Death Stud, "Can I try it?" "Later. Now get to work!" ************************************************************* That evening in the DOA Dungeon: "I'm sore all over." cried Anti, "I have blisters all over my hands. I mean, I don't see why *I* had to fill out all those strategy sheets with everyone, I was never in tournament shape to begin with." "That was totally humiliating," said Soultaker, "I can't believe that they had me go to a seminar taught by LHI. It was about how to have confidence in my warriors!" "Well you did over-manage Achondroplasia," pointed out Hombre, "But I liked my seminar. I had the 'Using Sex Appeal to your Advantage' seminar by Poison Ivy. We went over the best outfits to wear for a FtF so that people give you style information." "M-Mine was actually ok too," muttered Inferno, still shaking from not getting enough alcohol. "Y-Yukon taught me how to avoid giving out critical information when I'm drunk. G-Guardian was in my class too, he signed up voluntarily hoping for free beer." "My seminar was boringeth," said Nuln, "Something about how to use your TV challengeth in the regular arena. Shadowgate kepteth trying to point out that you're supposed to TV warriors you can beateth, but I wasn't having any of it." "Strange, I didn't have a seminar," said Ganolus, "After breakfeast, I went to a room and they put a big machine on my head. I don't remember much about it afterwards, except someone kept whispering 'DOA is the bestest alliance' over and over. "That is strange," shrugged Soultaker, "Well the sooner we graduate from DOA Boot Camp, the sooner that Death Stud can come and get us out of here. Does anyone know what the lesson plan for tomorrow is?" "It's a tutorial on scum." said Snotman, "Manager is teaching it and we are going to watch some of his greatest scum vs. scum battles and even re-enact them." "Aaaaagh!" shrieked Anti in horror. "We have to escape!" declared Soultaker, "Like now!" + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Fa Ching ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + DeGotti's Return Part 11 Recap of part 10... As the parade moved along the craziness got more and more intense. To the disgust of many parade spectators at 7th and Maple, Anti and Snotman were wearing nothing but latex paint. Anti was decorated in just a 2" gold chain that started at his chin and went down between his legs and ended at the back of his neck. Snotman had a tad more on, his right nipple was covered by a purple daisy and a big red heart covered his left. From his navel to the middle of his lower back stretched a lightning bolt. And that was just the beginning of the fun. The parade and floats moved through all areas of the city. Down by the bridge I saw what looked like Guardian skipping hand in hand with Malaqar. In the same area Pip the Troll was telling a pack of troll-kins the story of how Soultaker got his name. I don't remember the entire story but I know it has to do with emptying outhouses. About half way through the parade route the sky started changing colors. I saw it change from the normal royal blue to a deep shade of green to a light purple and then back to the blue. I turned to grab some more beads out of my box and what I witnessed going on between my floatmates totally shocked me. Wimpy was kissing on 2 of the bead thrower babes and Destitute Noble had the other one in his arms and was dancing a Cha Cha. Boy was I feeling like a third wheel. I said, shocked, "Whoa!!" I guess that got the red headed bead thrower babe's attention because she left Wimpy and came to be with me. Well, I certainly don't like to play second fiddle to anyone, but Wimpy does have some charisma so I passed up being snubbed to that. Just as she reached me I saw something fall from the sky and land one street over. It almost looked like a large black egg. As I turned my attention back to the red headed vixen at hand, I heard screams of panic and shock from the direction the large black egg fell. The screams not only got my attention but the attention of my floatmates this time. We saw the crowd start to part and as it did it revealed what the screams were caused by a pack of nearly 30 miniature Judges of various pastel colors. They were running around assaulting women, stealing candy from infants, swearing like sailors and just causing havoc amongst the spectators. All six of us on the float said in unison, "What the hell is that?" Just as we thought things couldn't get any worse we heard a gurgling sound coming up from the sewers and then more people started to scream. To be continued.... + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ My Best Buds 2 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + Another round of arena fights in the books and things appear to be settling in for the team. Yet another week goes by without another death and the young brick, known as Dr. Feelgood, was able to finally avenge the deaths at the hands of Infinity. Though he had never met the warriors whose honor, and memories, he upheld with the Bloodfeud, he quite clearly wanted to take this opportunity to do something to cement his place on the team. The victory served as a great moment of excitement for the other four as the Bloodfeud was the first arena matchup that day among the team. After the fight finished and Infinity could no longer continue the match, the four jumped the arena wall and rushed their teammate and raised his small frame high upon their shoulders, carrying the heavily wounded warrior back to the training room to have his wounds attended to. Though it did not motivate great results from the team throughout the day it was nonetheless a very important moment. Street Legal asked Death Commander to take the team to the tavern for a celebration, at his expense. After all, not having to arrange and pay for funerals left a lot of extra money that could be used to keep his team satisfied. He wished his stable a good time as he announced he was headed back to the guildhouse to study his notes on the weeks fights and begin preparations for next round's fights. He tucked the folder, with his notes contained within, under his arm nodded his head as the team rode off in the carriage and strolled slowly back to the guildhouse. The weather being so pleasant he figured some fresh air and a little exercise would do him good. As well as allow him to go over things in his mind without his notes clouding his impression of today as he formed it. Arriving at the guildhouse he walked to the kitchen and grabbed a large stein and a few pieces of bread and some meat left over from earlier in the day. Turning to head to his study he decided that today would be the right time to forego wine and he turned to the small keg sitting on the far counter. Filling the stein with his favored ale and balancing the sandwich he just made on the folder he climbed the stairs to his study. He set everything down on the desk and took the robe from the hook on the wall by his desk. Removing his normal regalia he slipped into the silk robe and fell back into the chair. Taking a bite from the sandwich he nodded in utter delight at the flavor as he opened up his notes to see if his memory matched up accurately with the notes he had taken earlier, during the fights. Taking a hearty swig of the ale he chuckled quietly to himself as he read the notes that regarded the Bloodfeud. "Quite impressive the good doctor is so early in his young career," he thought to himself as he savored the fine food and drink. Considering the fact that the original team he wanted to place into the ToGS competition was disallowed by the commission, and the short notice he had to throw a team together, things had gone fairly well up until now. This was far from a good team when it began and despite mediocre results he felt overall that the team had made quite a run in the contest, for what they were. They had overcome many team changes, some through the Dark Arena, some through plain misfortune, and despite only 2 of the original 5 members still remaining they were still working quite well as a unit. Clearly this was a fine learning experience and if/when the next ToGS rolled around everybody, especially himself, would be quite well prepared for it. Several hours passed in the study. And several trips were made down to the kitchen to refill his stein, but no matter how much he drank and how lost he got in his notes a part of his mind was clearly on his stable. He was quite proud of the effort they had put out, and the fact that against the odds they never wavered. He just hoped that they were enjoying their night out, and hoping that Doc was not too sore to enjoy himself after the war he had been through, for as happy as he was for them tomorrow he planned on cracking the whip hard for the final push to gain as many places in the standings as possible. After all, a good manager never lets his team get complacent, no matter how pleased he or she might be, and a good manager must always show that he expects more from his warriors. This would be tough not to let them on to how pleased he was with his rag-tag little bunch, it was time to play taskmaster yet again. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Goose Is Loose ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + It was the deadline for team spotlights. Wimpy sat in his office waiting for the Judge to arrive for their meeting. Wimpy was not concerned about the spotlight deadline as much as he was that the time to turn in his arena strategy sheets was fast approaching. He had done nothing yet and all five sheets were blank. He stared at them in a daze. Just then there was a knock on the door and the door flew open an in floated the Judge with robes flowing. (Note: Judges always float, they don't just walk.) "Good morning, partner," smiled the Judge, "how is the best manager in Aradi over the last three turns?" "Not good, not good," replied the wimpy one, "I don't have my strategy sheets ready for the next arena fights." "Why not?" asked the Judge. "Because the gray Goose hasn't yet been here to help me fill them out." "Why do you need the Goose, can't you do them the way you always have?" "You don't understand, Judge. The Goose has done the strategy sheets for the past three turns. That's why we are 13-2-1 for the last three rounds. He has come up with all the winning moves." "How in the heck can he do that? He doesn't have the experience to manage fighters." "That is true. But, he does know how to sneak around and find out what all the other managers are doing. Then he comes up with just the right strategy to make for a winning round. He should have been here two days ago and I have heard neither hide nor feather from him." "Have you checked his goose roost to see if has been sleeping there?" asked the Judge. "What a great idea. That is why you are a Judge. Only someone as smart as you could come up with a really helpful suggestion like this. Let's go check." Wimpy and the Judge went out the back, through the cow pasture, watching their steps the whole way. Soon they came to the Goose roost. They stepped inside and looked around. "Whoa, man does this place stink." choked the Judge. "What is that smell?" "Just common everyday goose droppings." replied Wimpy. "Haven't you ever smelled goose droppings before?" "I'm a judge. I don't go traipsing around barnyards sniffing goose crap or any other type of droppings. I'm civilized. Let's quickly see what we can find and get the heck out of here." After a bit of a search the Judge picked up something out of the straw and droppings. "Yuck. What the heck is this?" asked the Judge. "It's a lavender ribbon," said Wimpy, "and I know who it belongs to. Nuln had it tied around his gonopodia." "Right," said the Judge, "but his gonododia fell off and someone picked up the ribbon." "Who picked it up?" asked Wimpy. "I don't know his name but he was a very fat, round, discourteous guy." "I'll have to think about that for a while. I'm sure I can figure out who it was. I'll bet it was another manager and he grabbed the Goose so he couldn't help me anymore. We have got to find that Goose and get him back if we want to have a chance at moving up in the TOGS standings." "Okay Wimpy, let's go," said the Judge, "wait a minute. What is that white paper over in the corner?" Wimpy went over and picked up the paper. He saw that it had his name on the front so he unfolded it and looked at the contents. He broke into a big smile and started to dance around the Goose roost. "What is it Wimpy?" "Look," Wimpy said as he showed the paper to the Judge, "it's the Goose's notes and strategies for the next round of fights. I'm saved. I'm saved. Let's go back to the office so I can get the arena sheets filled out. There is still time to get them in." So Wimpy an the Judge left the Goose roost and went back to Wimpy's office where Wimpy filled out his strategy sheets for the next arena fights. But, what about the Goose? Where is he? Will he be found before the next round of fights? What will Wimpy do if he has to do his own strategy sheets? What about the Judge? Yeah, what about the Judge? We may have answers to these and other questions in the next spotlight. If you care, you will just have to wait and see. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Death Studs Big Adventure: Thunkerwood ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + by Ghoti As you may recall, Death Stud has enlisted the use of Ghoti's teleportation marble to go to Thunkerwood Forest to collect its wood to make "Thunkers". Here is the rest of the story or however much I get done this turn. Death Stud stood outside Ghoti's home, his trusty Radio Flyer by his side. He grasped the teleporting marble tightly and thought of that far off forest called Thunkerwood. Things slowly swayed back and forth and his vision blurred. Half an hour later he awoke on Ghoti's walkway. Sitting up he thought to himself "I gotta remember not to hold my breath when I think that hard." Death Stud stood up and used the marble as Ghoti had instructed when everything went white. Death Stud sat up finding himself sitting in dense woods. Eerie thumping sounds could be heard off in the distance as a woodpecker pounded into the trees after bugs. A bear grunted, but only passed gas, in the shrubs to his right. Small animals skittered in the leafy underbrush everywhere. Death Stud looked at all the skitter marks in the leaves. "I'm glad I don't have to drag my butt like that when I get a case of worms." Death Stud mused aloud. He gathered his belongings and started off to the south as instructed by Ghoti. He traveled for several hours and stopped to camp for the night. He pulled out his bedroll (the equivalent of a baby's blanket) and curled up under a tree. He dreamt of his ThunkersTM . He dreamt of finally having respect, of pride and of Snotman. Death Stud woke the following morning feeling refreshed but with a swollen thumb. He built a small fire and made some coffee and a nice bowl of hot Cream of Wheat with brown sugar and a touch of cream. He washed his dishes in a nearby stream and then packed up camp and peed out the fire. He continued south for a couple of hours when he saw a large gaggle(?) of rabbits chewing on a tree stump. He noticed how their heads turned in every direction as they chewed. He knew by description that these must be the curl-toothed briar rabbits that Ghoti wanted. He pulled out a burlap sack and sneaked up on them with the stealth of a buffalo in a hen house but the bunnies didn't seem to care. He opened the bag wide and with a simple sweep he collected the specimen he needed. Not more than 30 feet away he found the object of his desire. A Thunkerwood tree. He banged on it 3 times.. THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! to be sure. He took out his handy Andorian army knife with the 137 tools and blades and pulled open the saw. He stroked the blade across a limb as big as his waist. THUNK THUnk Thunk thunk. And soon had a section of wood he could use. The curl-toothed briar rabbits were all watching him. Jumping up and down like startled cats making a strange squeaking noise as he cut. He turned around to watch them several times and they seemed to get more and more excited as he worked. Now with his job complete he notice they were all hobbling up to him, not quite a hop but they all still moved with purpose towards him...snarling! He quickly put everything into his Radio Flyer and pulled out the teleportation marble. Squeezing it tightly he felt everything go white as it had before. He awoke laying on Ghoti's walkway in a puddle of his own creation. The little Stud man jumped up and knocked on Ghoti's door. Ghoti answered immediately this time and had Death Stud literally shoved the rabbit and the marble into his hand. With a huge grin on his face he said. "I made it back and I am going to go make my ThunkersTM right now." He grabbed the handle to his little wagon and ran off before Ghoti could get a word in edgewise. Ghoti just shrugged. Death Stud started up the street and tripped over a cobblestone. Half an hour later he awoke. Still excited he started to run off again...several hours and 4 blocks later he arrived home and immediately set off into his carving shop with his piece of Thunkerwood. For a few hours the entire neighborhood sounded of a very loud Thunking noise from his carving...eventually it stopped. Death Stud sat upon a chair looking at his creations. "THUNKERSTM I LOVE YOU," he shouted with both glee and enthusiasm. "Now to finally try them on," he said to nobody in particular. He stood up and looked at himself in the mirror. He was surely 4 inches taller. He headed for the door. THUNKING with every step. THUNK THUNK THUNK! The neighborhood stirred with activity at all the noise. People stood on the street and porches and stared with amazement and amusement and pointed as Death Stud Walked by THUNK THUNK THUNK! He smiled at being noticed. He was heading for the FONZ clubhouse. THUNK THUNK THUNK! In the FONZ clubhouse, Wimpy and Sultan stopped playing tiddly winks and listened. "What is all that racket?" Anti asked aloud. "I don't know but I think it is coming this way," said Snotman with a slightly fearful quiver in his voice. It just kept getting louder and louder. THUNK THUNK THUNK! As Death Stud approached the door to the clubhouse, everyone inside scrambled to get under the couch or the table or anything for protection. THUNK THUNK THUNK! Death Stud stopped at the door and thought about his entrance. Inside everyone stopped breathing and stared at the door. Suddenly Death Stud kicked it open. THUNK!!!!!!! And the door slowly swung open. He took 3 steps inside THUNK THUNK THUNK! And stopped. Placing his hands on his hips, standing with his chin up he said, "WELL? What do yas think?" Everyone in the clubhouse sighed with relief when Wimpy said, "Noisy wooden clogs? Kinda like really old style don't you think?" + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Yukon's T@%$ Spotlight #11 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + This Week in T@#$ part XI Yukon: Ya this is TwiT. I am Yukon and I am in a mood. Shadowgate: And this is the co-host Shadowgate. Yukon: Well thanks for listening, everyone. See you next week. Shadowgate: You can't end the show, we just started. Yukon: I told you I was in a mood. It's a crappy one so I'm just going to end the show early this week. Shadowgate: But we have a whole hour to fill here. Yukon: Why don't we just let everyone in Aradi have some quiet time and then let them get on with their lives? Shodowgate: Because you would get sued by the radio station for all this dead air time. Yukon: Crap. No way do I want another legal battle over this flipping show.... Ok. I have a new plan. Shadowgate: Why don't you tell us all about your T@#$ team and how they are going pull this thing out for us. Shadowgate: Ok. Well first off I went 4-1 last week and you only went 2-3. So when you get back to your winning ways we should be ok. Second, I plan on challenging all of Death Stud's guys while having you challenge all of Soultaker's guys so when we go 10-0, they will go 0-10 and we will move in.... Yukon: SNOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRREEEEEEE. Shadowgate: Hey, wake up! Yukon: What? What I'd miss? Is it time to go home yet? Shadowgate: NO! I was just going over my brilliant plan on how we are going to win T@#$. Yukon: Not going to happen. Those FONZ morons have too big a lead. Shadowgate: We can catch them. Yukon: Whatever. You sure it's not time to go home? Shadowgate: No. Did you even look at the plans I sent you last week. Yukon: Not really. How about we just play last week's show on tape? Everyone loved the story of the three little FONZ. Shadowgate: How are going to win T@#$ if you don't follow my plans? Yukon: We are not. I keep telling you that. How about I go back to sleep and you keep talking to whoever until the show is over? Shadowgate: It's your show. You come up with something. Yukon: I did, but you already shot the "Quiet Time" segment idea in the ass. Shadowgate: You are in a mood. How about we make fun of Manalger some more? Yukon: It's been done. Besides he is going to beat us in T@#$ as well and then the D.O.A. meetings are going to suck even more then the already do. Shadowgate: That's going to be harsh. We could start poking fun at the people that dropped out of T@#$. Yukon: They were the only smart ones. They don't get stuck writing bad spotlights late Thursday night before DM-60 is due like I am right now. Shadowgate: As opposed to you writing bad spotlights on Wednesday before DM-60 is due? Yukon: Exactly. Nothing would be worse then you raggin on me for losing 5 points because I didn't do my spot. Shadowgate: Maybe you should subcontract out? Yukon: You mean pay someone to write my spots? Is that legal? Why the hell didn't you tell me that 10 spots ago? Shadowgate: The more I think about it, it's probably against the rules. Plus, it's not very honorable. Yukon: Honorable? For Diana's sake this is T@#$ and Aradi. There is no such thing as honor here. Do you know what I saw the FONZ doing on my way over here? Shadowgate: Not really. Yukon: They had gotten a hold of this baby sheep and they had dragged it up to the edge of this cliff. They were going to.... Shadowgate: Hold it. I think you just passed it? Yukon: Passed what? Shadowgate: The length limit for a valid T@#$ spot. Yukon: Thank gods. I really didn't want to finish that last bit. Shadowgate: Tired of getting edited? Yukon: You know it. Shadowgate: Ok well I guess that wraps up the worst team spotlight in T@#$ history. Yukon: It's worth the same 5 points as the long one. Good night, everyone. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + ----- ----- ----- Soultaker ----- ----- ----- Soultaker wasn't surprised by the entrance of the DOA. They made a point of making sure everyone saw them. He was a little shaken by the magnitude of their pompous parade to their reserved area. Ivy was at the front of the procession. She was wearing an outfit made of 10,783 colored scarves. Her head was adorned with a wreath of ivy and mistletoe and her feet were bare. As she skipped along in the front, she tossed lily pedals out of a basket on her arm on the ground before them. Soultaker remembered her when she was a feared adversary and now all she had become was a puppet manager used and abused by the evil Manalger. Next in line was the ever dangerous DMob. Somehow Manalger had gotten him to dress in baggy silk trouser held up with a bright scarlet sash. On his feet, he wore some type of gold slippers that curled up at the toes. He held two wicked scimitars crossed in front of his bare chest. Soultaker had heard of these barbarian bodyguards. He was sure they were called eunuchs. Wonders never cease as next to follow were Shadowgate and Yukon supporting an elaborate litter. They carried their burden upon their shoulders making both of their legs quiver and buckle. Sweat poured from them as they continued to carry the load for the DOA. Both of the bearers were dressed much the same as DMob, but of course without the ferocity. The difference was that DMob brought fear to your heart, and Yukon and Shadowgate brought laughter to your lips. The litter was quite majestic. All of the ornately carved woodwork seemed to be from rare monkey pod. This can only be produced by hours upon endless hours of spanking the monkey. All of the recesses were inlaid mother of pearl and gold highlights. A sheer curtain surrounded the entire foot carriage making it near impossible to see the contents within. This of course was little or no secret as to who runs the DOA circus. Following up the rear, which unsurprisingly is his normal position, was LHI. Unlike the rest of the rejects from a bad Arabian night story, LHI was dressed far differently. Soultaker was sure that LHI had done something bad to Manalger to make him dress and do the things he was doing. First of all, LHI was pulling a two long armed hand cart loaded over the sides and covered with a large oil cloth. There was no way of knowing what was in the cart but it looked to be loaded to the max. The sweat and strain on LHI's face convinced Soultaker that it was sure to be very heavy. Next he had some sort of horn tied to his head so that LHI was able to blow it as he followed his mentor. Secured to his waist was a drum turned upside down so that with each step, the sticks attached to his knees struck the drum giving off a cadence for the group to march to. Lastly was the outfit LHI was wearing. Soultaker started at his feet and worked his way up. LHI had short top pink silken boots that curled up on the toes and had three tiny bells on each boot. His legs were covered in some sort of sheer royal blue colored material that allowed the hairs to poke out all up and down the legs. His chest was cover with a frilled shirt of yellow chiffon. Upon his head he wore a dorky hat that had three curved pieces that stood up atop his head and each piece also had a bell. Soultaker had heard of this outfit also and if he remembered it correctly it was called a "fool". Soultaker thought to his-self, "That couldn't be more perfect type casting." The procession had finally made it to their staked out area and were about to set up camp. Yukon and Shadowgate had lowered the litter to the ground and had removed two large feathered fans. Both positioned themselves to the sides of the DOA load. Ivy had traded in her basket of lily pedals for a basket of grapes and figs. DMob was busy apply handfuls of oil to his near naked body. LHI was doing his normal thing of running around making a "fool" of his-self. As Soultaker watched the litter box, he noticed two sets of bejeweled fingers start to open the curtain. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Lurocians Reloaded: Part XI ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + We sat down and had the wires plugged into the back of our heads. Going on the trip were myself, Rillion, CK, Soultaker, Apex, Grasinity, and Sandeous. All went black and then blinding light as we all appeared in an alley behind the local inn in Niytyole Island. It was amazing how all looked so different when we arrived. We all had lost the ports on the back of our necks and all seemed to be strong and in great shape physically. "I like the me in here," I said flexing my muscles. "There's no time for that. We have to get to the Consortium." Sandeous stated. "Where'd CK go?" I questioned. "He used to own a chicken farm here. I'm sure went to...visit." Rillion replied with a smirk. I let it pass and followed Sandeous and the rest out of the alley and into the street. We were just a few blocks from the arena. From the sounds of it, there were fights going on right now. I was really curious what had happened to my stable since I left but that would have to wait for another time. "So Geo, what teams did you manage?" Apex asked. "All of mine were called Lurocians." I said. "Lurocians?" Grasinity asked. "Yea, it all started with a book I was writing about a land called Luroc. I had been working on this book for awhile when I started becoming interested in owning my own stable of warriors. Once I got a stable I decided to name them after my book. That way I could use the name recognition to help my book sales. I also started using the names of actual warriors I had as characters in my book." I replied. "You're such a dork." Rillion said. "Have you been drinking again?" I asked. "Oh lord, will you ever just drop that. It was years ago." he said. I just smiled and laughed. We walked down the street and made our way to the an old house and the end of the road. I followed Sandeous down the road and up on the porch of the house. They all stopped at the door and waited. "So what now," I asked. "You go in and we wait." Sandeous replied. "Whatever The Consortium has to say is for you and you alone. We've all been to see him at one time or another." Rillion said. I walked into the house and was amazed at what I saw. Little kids were sitting all around. One kid was sitting in the corner staring at a sword. The amazing part was that the sword started to bend as he looked at it. Something told me this was going to be an interesting experience. To be continued.... + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + +++++++++++++++++++ Five Spheres +++++++++++++++++++++++ You may recall that our last episode left our hair-lipped heroine on her way to convince Don Sentinel that he should take up the struggle against El Hombre and his heinous anti-entertainment strictures. Hold that thought.... On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair...NO! Out Don Henley! You have no power over me! Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah: On a darkened street corner in a seedy section of Aradi (I know, narrows it a lot) the manager known far and wide as Voyde the Mighty (okay, a little artistic license) was waiting for his TOGS partner. He had been there for a half an hour and had nearly finished his Starbucks latte, (grande skim latte, extra hot) when the terrible Chaos Lord known far and wide as Nuln the Lithe arrived. Storm clouds rolled across the night sky and thunder...thundered. Lightning arced from cloud to cloud. The Chaos Lord descended from his flying Yugo to the street below. "I ameth quite angryeth witheth you...eth, Voyde!" he boomed. "I can't imagine why, my lisping partner." "Youeth have been even more disappointing than Snotmaneth as a TOGS partner!" Voyde the Mighty (Go ahead, say it. You'll like the way it rolls of the tongue.) shrugged and sipped his latte. "You must be referring to all of those 1-4 and 2-3 turns. Maybe you mean when I missed earning points for a spotlight that was one line too few. Could you be upset that I've had maybe three successful challenges?" "Yeseth! All of thateth and you lefteth crumbs in the buttereth. That waseth the last straweth!" The Chaos Lord drew his chaos mace and made a ferocious swing at Voyde the Mighty only to catch his mace on the bumper of his Yugo as it hovered overhead. The Slavic flying car drifted up into the stormy night, its rear fender badly dented. "Crapeth!" The chagrined clutz lowered his mace and looked at his partner. "Youeth couldn't giveth me a ride, couldeth you?" "Sure but we're stopping at Starbucks and you're buying." The partners, their differences bridged by coffee beans, jumped into Voyde's fire-engine red Gremlin and started to drive away. "Soeth, what is your spotlight about thiseth turn?" "I dunno. I'll probably throw something together at the last minute." He paused and thought for a minute; "And I'll throw in a few lines at the end to make sure I hit the mark." "Good ideaeth." the Chaos Lord said while tuning the AM radio. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Smokey Delta Nights Part 3 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + Indimar sat at the table drinking his Scrodbucks Doubleshot while Elephant hung a sign on the front door informing the public that The Scrod Shoppe would not be opening on this particular Sunday. He returned to the backroom and stood staring up at the bloodied and bedraggled Indimar sitting at the table for a few seconds before climbing back into his chair. "Now that I made sure we won't be disturbed you can tell me what the hell happened to you last night," he said. "Why don't you start by explaining this gaming thing you were talking about?" "I'll try," said Indimar. "But like I said it is all kind of fuzzy from here on out. Nuln and Barnabas were smoking scrodplant spliffs like there was no tomorrow and I think the secondhand smoke was kind of getting to me. I stepped out on the porch while Barnabas was getting the table ready for the game, thinking the fresh air might clear my head. I was just about to go back into the house when Pip drove a wagon into the front yard. As you could probably guess he was leaving a pretty good trail of smoke himself." "Was he there for this gaming thing too?" asked Elephant. "No," replied Indimar. "I went over to the wagon to see what he was up to and he said he had just stopped by to drop by some more of his famous dip. It seems he had agreed to help with the refreshments since Barnabas could not even boil water. He had dropped a bowl by earlier but did not think it would be enough when Barnabas told him how many people were going to be there so he decided to bring by a second bowl. He said his kindness had been rewarded when he found a dead snake along side the road on his way out." "Why would he consider a dead snake a reward?" "That is exactly what I asked him," said Indimar after downing the last of his Scrodbucks. "Pip said not only were dead snakes a lot of fun but this one was going to be catch of the day on tonight's dinner menu. He handed me the bowl of dip and said to have a good game and drove off." "I'm a little surprised that Pip is the culinary type," said Elephant. "So was I, but like I said that dip tasted a little unusual at first but it really kind of grew on me. As a matter of fact I was scarfing it down as I walked back to the house. When I got back inside I found they had cleared the table and spread some kind of mat across it. I thought it was just to protect the table but when I noticed it was covered with little hexagrams I started to wonder what I had gotten myself into. There was a screen set up at one end of the table and Hombre was sitting behind it. When I asked why he was hiding Barnabas said he was the Game Master like that should make it clear so I just nodded and smiled. Barnabas hustled me into a chair and gave me a pile of the strangest dice I had ever seen, a little figure of a guy made out of lead and a paper with a bunch of numbers and other information that made no sense to me. He said it was my character and he hoped I didn't mind that he had made it for me." "Sounds like some weird voodoo ritual to me," interrupted Elephant. "That's what I was thinking at that point," said Indimar. "If you can believe it things actually started getting stranger. They all started using different names like "Slick" and "Keokotah". Not only was Nuln calling himself Owleyes, he was speaking in a really deep voice with an even stranger accent than usual. Barnabas was still scortchin the srodplant at a pretty steady pace and all the smoke was really making my brain fuzzy. I kept thinking that food would straighten me up so I was eating Pips famous spinach dip like there was no tomorrow until Nuln called me a Bogart, or something like that, and took it away from me. I really had no idea what was going on after that I just rolled the dice when they told me to and moved my little guy across the hexagrams like they were. Every once in a while Hombre would throw some more figures on the table and then there was a lot more moving around and dice rolling. Some rolls would make them cheer and others would make them groan. I just cheered when they did or groaned when they did but I really don't why. Snotman was talking all fast and crazy and really starting to freak me out when I got my chance to make an exit." "Hombre had just put some guys on the table and was rolling dice like crazy behind his screen. All of the sudden he looks up and tells me I'm dead. This really shook me up until I realized he was talking about my little guy on the table. He said I could make another character and get back into the game but I said it was getting too late for me and I had a long ride back home so I had better get started. Barnabas said something about me having too much dip to ride home. I assured him that I hadn't eaten enough spinach dip to make me sick. This seemed to strike he and Nuln rather funny and I could even hear them laughing when I got out to my horse and saddled up to ride home." "That sure sounds like a strange game," said Elephant, shaking his head. "You think that was strange," scoffed Indimar, "let me tell ya pal, you ain't heard nothin yet!" See you next turn (maybe) for part 4. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + ----- ----- ----- Death Stud ----- ----- ----- Soultaker felt happy, really happy. He smiled contentedly and closed his eyes, enjoying how he felt. Everything seemed wonderful, almost perfect. There was one small, little irritation intruding on his bliss, but he couldn't put his finger on it. It was like a faded memory or a half-formed thought fluttering at the edge of his consciousness. In his mind he began to search around for the source of the annoyance, hoping that if he could identify and eliminate it; then he could return to his happiness. Slowly the fluttering irritation became a hum, then a buzz. The buzz rose to a garbled yell and Soultaker's eyes opened to see Studisha standing in front of him, red-faced and head bobbing like a chicken as she gesticulated wildly at him. Before he could try to sort through what the hell Studisha was saying, Soultaker realized suddenly that searing pain was emanating from his palm. Cursing, he jumped up from the couch, flinging the source of the pain from his hand. Sonofabitch, he had zoned out with the pipe in his hand again and burned the crap out of himself. The pain brought clarity to Studisha's rantings. "...my momma didn't raise me to wash and cook and sew for no stupid Evercrack addict my whole life. Washing and feeding his babies like I got no nothin' better to do with my life? Oh, HEYULL no!" Soultaker blinked at her and sat back down on the ratty couch to inspect the pipe-shaped burn on his palm. "And if you think I'm always gonna just be here to wait on you hand and foot and be your little coffee server, you got another thing coming, you mutha--" "Shut up and get me some coffee, ho." Soultaker picked up the Evercrackpipe again and hit it again. Studisha turned and yelled at the gaggle of children standing in the doorway, "You chilluns get on out of here, right now. No need for you to see your good for nuthin' father's life going to hell right in front of you." She told the oldest, twelve year old Nulnio to take all his brothers and sisters down to the park across the street. "You make sure that Reginuln and little Bennie Wa hold hands when they cross the street. Go on now, get out of here!" The little ones ran for the front door, but Nulnio stayed standing in the doorway, seeming torn about whether to obey his mother or stay to protect her. "Nulnio, you do as you're told. Now get! Take ten dollars out of my purse and get ice cream for your brothers and sisters on the way back. And I need some pads from Mr. Wong's corner store, too." Nulnio gave one last glare in Soultaker's direction, then did as he was told. Studisha turned back to confront Soultaker and found him glazed over again, staring off into the distance and drooling slightly. She gave him a full slap across his face and he jolted back to reality. She began sobbing, "I want a divorce." There, she had said it. "I can't take it anymore and don't I don't want to live like this. I need some love and attention from you. It's like all that you care for anymore is that damned Evercrack." "Yeah, whatever. Get the hell out of my face. You're harshing me and are lucky I don't beat you senseless for talking to me like that." That's what he thought on the inside. On the outside Soultaker said, "Yeah, I know, I'm going to change soon, really I am." Those words came so easy, so natural to him now that he didn't even have to think about them anymore. "I'm not kidding this time, Soullie. I'm taking the FONZ kids and we're moving into the shelter until I can earn some TC's to sustain us. I used to feel like I meant something special to you, that the kids and me were important. Now you act like we're just in your way, keeping you from that Evercrack pipe. I need the intimacy and the closeness of your love to make this work and I just feel like we've drifted too far apart." "Uh-huh." Soultaker was busy looking between and under the cushions of the couch for something that he was not finding. Studisha sighed and left the room, crying for the love that she had lost. Damn you, Evercrack! Soultaker didn't notice. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Snotman and the Spooky Kids IX ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + Snotman finished stapling the flier to the wall. That was the last one and he had no doubt that he would get a good response. Looking back down the street (Bloodshed Row, one of the main commercial districts in Aradi) he could see his fliers posted about 3 feet high. He'd have liked to have put them higher, but he was damned if he was going to ask Barnabas for help. He headed back to the FONZ treehouse whistling a tune, the weight of the world lifted from his shoulders. Although the Dragon Spine Mountains had a bad reputation, he had no doubt that in a city full of gladiators and miscreants he could find some people brave enough. The adventurers were supposed to gather on the front steps of the Temple of Khorne. Of course, Snotman was there a good hour early. He didn't want to miss anyone, and it was a fine morning so he didn't mind waiting. He pulled out a chair and read the latest Aradi newsletter while sipping a double mocha. As the hour of nine rolled around, he put down his newsletter and stood up. He wanted to be ready for the hordes of adventurers. A slight breeze eddied the dusty street. He took another swing on his mocha, "Well, it is a Saturday morning, Aradians aren't known for waking early and everyone was probably out partying last night. I guess I'll have to wait." He called one of his snotling servants to bring him another mocha and settled down the newsletter to wait. Five hours later he was starting to get impatient. He was only halfway through the newsletter and he'd already had to pee six times from all the caffeine. But he figured that it was a nice day and he still had lots of time. He had one of his snotlings pop over to Nuln's place and to use his chaos gate to pop over to the earth dimension and pick up a Zachary's spinach and mushroom deep- dish pizza. As Snotman spilled delicious tomatoes and molten hot cheese on his chest (of course, Snotman can't wear any clothing since Magic Man's curse restarted the snotflow, but thankfully the layer of mucus acted as a natural insulator and Snotman didn't burn anything important) he was really glad that Nuln had lied to Armalias Skyhawk about closing the chaos gate. No one really wanted to visit the chaos wastes, but earth dimension and their delicious food options was a whole 'nother world. Snotman had become quite a connoisseur of earth cuisine since Nuln opened the gate. He was particularly fond of Thai and had been pleasantly surprised to discover at the face the Jiles liked eating Thai. It is a well known fact that animated characters can eat much more than their body weight in food, so Snotman was able to put away a whole large pizza by himself. After he wiped the last bits of tomato sauce off his lip, he settled back in his chair, one hand cradling his newly swollen, Soultaker-like, belly, the other holding up the newsletter. As he finished reading the last spotlight, he realized that the sun was starting to set, and still no one had arrived to join him on his quest. He had even promised an even share of all non-Eye of McGarnical loot recovered. Disheartened, he headed over to the Rampant Zombie Inn, a local tavern renowned for the strength of their drinks. It was said that their signature drink, Radioactive Sludge, was strong enough to bring the dead back to life (or at least animate their corpse long enough to have a few more drinks). When Snotman really needed to forget the cares of the world, he'd order Braaaaaains. He wasn't sure what was in it, but one or two of those and he couldn't remember what had been bothering him (he had misplaced several excellent gladiators while on a Braaaaains bender). He ordered a Braaaaaains and surveyed the room. There were a couple of pale, skinny guys dressed in rags huddled in booths, drinking brains eyeing their fellow customers with equal parts paranoia and hunger. And then he saw a face he recognized, or really he was seeing the back of the head, since the face was planted on the table. And all of a sudden an idea blossomed in his mind. He quickly dispatched a snotling to the Temple of Khorne to pick up a six-pack of Scrodbucks Doubleshots. Once the snotling returned, Snotman headed over to the table where Indimar Fallon lay passed out. He cracked a Doubleshot and instantly Indimar's eyes opened. He stared hungrily at the pure scrod-flavored caffeine. He slowly worked his lips, as if trying to remember how they were supposed to work, then finally mumbled, "Mine!" Snotman nodded, "And his five brothers right here, you just have to sign something for me." Indimar grabbed the pen out of Snotman's hand and put a big 'X' on the paper, all the while, his eyes never left the Doubleshot. Snotman handed it over and Indimar downed it in a single gulp then held out his hands to Snotman who handed over the rest of the six-pack. After he had downed them all, Indimar sat back in his chair, intelligence finally returning to his maddened eyes. Snotman asked, "What were you drinking?" Indimar scratched his head for a second, "I think that I had a Zombie Bite and then I started knocking back the Shotgun Blast to the Heads. After that it all becomes blurry. So, what the hell did I sign?" Snotman replied, "I'm going on a quest into the Dragon Spine Mountains in search of the Eye of McGarnicle. You are going to be my guard and Sherpa." Indimar's eyes glinted, "Eye of McGarnicle, eh?" "The Eye is mine. I need it to reverse Magic Man's curse. But undoubtedly we will find lots of other artifacts along with the eye. You get a 50% share of everything else we find." "So tell me about these Dragon Spine Mountains. If there is all this treasure lying around, why isn't anyone grabbing it?" Snotman smiled, finding someone who was new to Aradi was a brilliant move on his part, "No one else knows the secret mountain passes that I know. This is going to be a cake walk." "Sign me up!" "I already did...." Learn more about the dangers of Dragon Spine Mountains in the next installment! + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ "The Real World -- Aradi" Episode 8 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + Much to the dismay of the producers of "The Real World, Aradi," hardly anyone voted for Ganolus' replacement as a cast member on Turn 10 of the TOGS IV. Turn 10 did have some bright moments for at least one of the Real World cast members--namely Wimpy. Another great turn for Wimpy placed Judge's and Wimpy's team firmly in fifth place in the TOGS IV, and moving up. With the bonus rounds at hand, Wimpy and Judge discussed their strategy in their room in the AMTV guildhouse. "What is wrong with Laches?" inquired Wimpy. "He has great stats for a scum, and yet he has fallen apart the last four turns in the TOGS." "I wish I knew," lamented Judge. "He started strong, but has faded fast. We need to start challenging the top three teams. We need some wins at their expense." Wimpy nodded in agreement. A plan of action was formed for Turn 11 of the TOGS IV. The AMTV producers entered the living room of the guildhouse. Nuln let out a loud belch, and smirked as the producers grimaced. "We are here to announce that due to the lack of votes last turn on Ganolus' replacement, we have gone ahead and selected your new housemate," said the head producer. Snotman and Anti loked on with curiosity, wondering who their new housemate would be. Suddenly, Shadowgate sauntered into the living room of the guildhouse. "You cannot be serious!" exlcaimed Judge. Judge was not impressed with Shadowgate's spotlight on Turn 10 of the TOGS IV wherein he told a mythical story about Judge and Nuln huddling in a snowdrift. Like Judge would ever do something so absurd. Shadowgate, not Judge, hung out at the Pink Squirrel Lounge. If anyone would be "huddling" with Nuln, it would be Shadowgate. Shadowgate retorted, "Hey roomies. So where is my bedroom?" "You get to bunk with Death Stud," resonded Snotman. "Dude, you want to grab some beers and get in the Jacuzzi," inquired Nuln. "Some of my women friends are coming over; it could be a good time." Wimpy entered the confessional, looked into the camera and stated, "It should be interesting if Nuln's 'women friends' come over. They are HUGE. That Jacuzzi would certainly be an interesting sight, but not one that I would like to see," said Wimpy. A few minutes later, three of Nuln's 'women friends' arrived at the AMTV guildhouse. As Wimpy had stated, they were HUGE. Helga, the most rotund of the lot, took off her full length coat and was wearing nothing but a bikini. Death Stud gasped in horror. "So boys," said Helga, "care to join us in the hot tub?" "Sure," said Nuln. "How about it, guys?" Shadowgate looked intrigued. Wimpy, Judge, Death Stud, Anti and Snotman looked disgusted. Nuln and the three women headed for the Jacuzzi with Shadowgate not far behind... To be continued in Episode 9 of "The Real World, Aradi!" -- Legalese + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Approach" (Part 1) ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + "I can't believe it!" Trist exclaimed rising up out of her seat and moving with purpose across the room. Rainyer, with his back against the wall of the Lawndocker's bow store room, could not escape the sudden fury on his lovely consort's face. He padded his hands in front of him in midair as if trying to calm down a small child. "It's true," he admitted. "And you waited until now to tell me!?" Trist flailed, stopping a foot from Rainyer's chest. "The only difference that would have made was to keep you from coming." "That's right!" the minx-of-a-cat-burglar declared. "And you know what, I'm of the right mind to rip your throat out now that I am here, you filthy squabbling bastard!" Rainyer flinched just as Trist was about to launch herself on top of him, but the door to the store room burst open at that instant as Captain Avboreu Stimbottom's head came popping through. "Avast ye gut dwellers," Avboreu called into the unlit room, "we're coming up upon th' north shore--make ready!" Trist glared at Rainyer, silently signaling that their "discussion" wasn't over yet. As far as Rainyer was concerned, it was. Rainyer followed Trist out and up on to the Lawndocker's deck. Rainyer knew he had betrayed her trust, but not having Trist along for the ride would have kept him from a warm body to snuggle up against during the night's at sea. Of course, she truly would never have come with them had she known the underlying reason for their departure from Aradi proper. Having explained the story of Onedawg's execution of Lord Simion and his entire household to Trist, and the subsequent Aradi-wide manhunt that was called up in search of the killer, she had come to understand that if they were to continue their association with the demi-spirit, Onedawg, that they would have to plan on leaving Aradi for good. As much as Rainyer was adverse to that sort of idea, he realized the consequences of going back on a binding oath that held oneself to a demi-spirit. Rainyer made a mental note never to do something like that again. But here the lot of them were anyway, manning the newly repaired Lawndocker as it sailed along the northeast coast of Aradi in search of a chaos portal that Onedawg claimed was "calling to him". Whatever that meant, Rainyer thought. He wasn't even sure how much longer he could trust Onedawg, and while the demi-spirit had gotten rid of his adversary, Lord Simion, and come through on his part of the bargain, Rainyer wasn't too sure how he could continue to help the demi-spirit, or if he even wanted to. After all, returning to Aradi now was a moot point, given that nearly everyone there knew of his association with the murderous Onedawg, and the only other option left to the seaward band of rogues was to head for the mainland. That is, if they survived this harebrained search for a chaos portal first! As Trist and Rainyer came on deck, the day was bright and just a slight breeze gusted from out of the south. Captain Stimbottom was at his customary place at the helm and Krells was tugging to secure a loose bit of rigging on the foremast. Onedawg was no where to found be as usual. "We're coming to and preparing to launch ashore," the captain announced. Rainyer could see the north shore of Aradi just off the starboard side, though they seemed rather close to the sand to be moving as fast as they were. Rainyer shot a glance at Avboreu that expressed as much. The captain grinned, "Shallow draft me boy, though we needn't worry 'bout the sand, if that's what ye're thinkin', cause the coral's gonna git us first!" Rainyer's expression shifted to one of surprise and horror. He had no idea what coral would do to a ship, and he wasn't planning on sticking around to find out. Without hesitating, Fash reached out and grabbed Trist's hand and darted for the lone rowboat lashed to the Lawndocker's railing. At just that moment, the ship lurched badly to the right as it caught a cleft of coral along the broad side, and a long series of grating and groaning noises emanated from below deck. The ship came to an all-too-sudden stop, and the four shipmates on deck froze in place in anticipation of what might happen next. Onedawg rose through the wooden flooring from somewhere in the ship's depths. A gathering of sea gulls squawked in the distance as if in protest to the newcomer's presence. "We disembark here," the demi-spirit stated as flatly and as surely as a person realizing his death. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Shadow Signs Spot #11 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + "Balanced Scales or Over the Edge" Shadowgate watched as Yukon made another cup of coffee disappear and was just amazed. That man can drink hot liquids! Shadowgate liked his coffee with plenty of cream. Yukon wanted them both back going asap, so they had time to work on challenges and on the next TWiT show. Shadowgate finally had a good turn and it allowed Shadowgate to close the gap between his teams' point contributions to those of Yukon's. Unfortunately he was able to close the gap a lot as Yukon had a bad turn. Part of the reason Yukon wanted Shadowgate up and going so Shadowgate could coordinate their warriors challenges and pick the best challenges for each warrior. Yukon was even going to allow Shadowgate to decide his avoids, which up until now he didn't even bother with! So, needless to say the scales where balancing and Shadowgate had pulled himself away from the edge. Shadowgate picked up the pile of mail that he had just received and there were a number of angry missives from Nuln's and Rillion's TOGS partners demanding their safe return. There was even a letter from the commission in response to the formal complaints of TGG. No one else seemed to either have noticed or cared about the disappearance of The Judge or Wimpy. Shadowgate felt a little bad about sending them all off to Snowbound but not bad enough to go there himself. That place was just to damned cold, even when you went there during the one day of "Spring" followed by the one day of "Summer" and had the correct equipment and had plenty of layers of clothing. Yukon was still reeling from the news that The Rage Man was Manager. He kept walking back and forth saying, "Manager...Rage Man...Manager...Rage Man...that is two people trying to blow me up...no one...no two and one is mean...do I now have to pay him twice the severance from quitting the show?...no wonder he was looking for the dual-sheep...wow! How can I use this to my advantage?" Shadowgate finally interrupted Yukon's rambling and told him he had the challenges and avoids for his next turn for him to review. Yukon looked up. "I still can't believe Manager has a dual personality! Why didn't we think of that? You're supposed to be the crafty one, right? You should have figured this out long ago!" said Yukon as he grabbed the list of challenges and avoids along with a new cup of coffee and took a seat. Shadowgate went upstairs. He had a comeback for Yukon but it would just get him on his soapbox and make him preach more! Shadowgate brought down a light to his desk to illuminate everything there. There were all his plans for the next turn and long term plans as well. Yukon and he had to just try to get their challenges through to team 2 that where advantageous to them...obviously...but somehow they seemed to be able to avoid them without being the most avoiding team. Well, until this turn when the cowards showed they where avoiding, that was 7.5 points less they had that turn! The worst thing was neither Yukon or he had any TV challenges to use. They had had one until an untimely death for Yukon. Maybe it was time some other warriors or managers also met a bad ending. Shadowgate went back down stairs to find Yukon snoozing in his recliner with his mouth open catching flies. Power napping at a moments notice was another of Yukon's "skills". He could sleep anywhere and at anytime. Shadowgate kicked Yukon's chair. Yukon jumperd up. "Hey! What the @#$!! What is going on?" + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Shadow Signs - Spot #11.5 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + "Balanced Scales or Over the Edge" Continued... Shadowgate sat down and told Yukon it might be time some other managers were made to start his sledge. They talked through a few other ideas and amazingly they both had saved a few good ones which they hadn't used on Twit. They decided the first person who had to go was Death Stud. They figured if he went that Soultaker would fall apart and be a wreck for weeks until he found a new pool boy. Their plan required some very detailed and elaborate set-up. The first was to find five men with way too much style but who also didn't mind getting their hands dirty. This one would take some doing. They needed to be able to remake Death Stud out of this existence. Yukon said that he didn't want anything to do with finding their "actors" and said he would take care of all the other details if Shadowgate could find the five men and get them to look their parts. Shadowgate agreed and tried to decide where to begin. He could go to another town to find recruits but Aradi had more potential in this area that any other ten cities combined. Later that day Shadowgate had found five fabulous men who where now on his payroll and Yukon and Shadowgate set their plan into motion by sending Soultaker a response back to his request to have his little stud remade. In two days the fab five would work over Death Stud and good! Here ends Team Spotlight for Team Shadow Signs - Spot #11.5 to be continued in "Fab five meets the flabby two or team two is one short" DUELMASTER'S COLUMN Notes from the arena champ. Greetings, Aradi. DeGotti here with a few firsts for me in this fine city. My first warrior to sit upon the throne and my first two graduates from Aradi. What can I say, Death Stud, I think we both knew Lightning IX was outmatched. It will be my pleasure to show Gummi Ghoul this turn the power that is Thundra. For any of you who are interested in the run down on Blackburst and Thundra here they are: Thundra BS LO/LO Learns Init Blackburst EP VH/HI Learns Rip That's it for now may the RUGs bless me.... DeGotti SPY REPORT It is I, Novgorodny Vir, Spymaster of Spymasters. Look on my work, ye mighty, and despair! The boys at WIMPS OF DEATH left the arena dejected, after being kicked out of the top spot by FA CHING. Good show! Managers were muttering after 4000 BLOWS showed ARADI what they could do: 3-2-0 to move up by 11. Perhaps it is THE UPSTARTS III members' intannibility that enabled them to move from 25th to 12th last week... (Less time in the sun...) Like a chunk of francium heaved into a wet pond, POWER BROKERS blew up the rankings to 15! HIT ME WITH... posted a nice gain, to come in 18th. Everybody loves a winner... I'M WITH STUPID had cause to celebrate, after BONG got 24 points by beating DEMURRER. Win some, lose some. Speaking of which, SON OF BLOODLUST was winsome, after beating DERRIN and seeing him lose 14 points. Like a flirtacious debutante, ARADI's Duelmaster THUNDRA found herself the woman of the hour, being "invited to dance" 6 times! The arena was more crowded than usual this time, as WINKER X faced ARADI's Duelmaster. Those who hoped for a new Duelmaster were disappointed by WINKER X, of 4000 BLOWS, who despite a 14-12-0 couldn't overcome ARADI's Number 1. So who was the warrior seen charging into immovable walls and challenging dead trees? Someone's got a basic problem... A Zenmaster once told me, 'Does not the spinning wheel turn? And do not the little birds cry out?' Any ideas? Like the noble eagle soaring amongst the mountaintops, so stand the warriors of DEATH STUDS VII, alone and unchallenged. The warriors of DEATH STUDS VII found their efforts at combat frustrated as DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 apparently had more important things to do than fight. Like the wind whispering among the pines, do hearest I many disquieting rumors. BORED ELF in the Dark Arena wasn't enough for DREK of THE UNDERWORLD. Maybe that certain serving girl(?) at The Blind Cyclops Inn will be! Forgive and forget is not my motto. Take heed, METAL MELTDOWN, as SPIT's death remains unavenged. Ask not a spymaster for counsel, for he will pontificate long after you have fallen into an unconscious stupor. Leave me now, you base fools! As if buffeted by forces of nature beyond my control, I must take my leave of this place. Can anything compare to the pleasure of writing Spyreports for ARADI? On that giddy note I take my leave-- Novgorodny Vir DUELMASTER W L K POINTS TEAM NAME GUMMI GHOUL 6411 13 4 1 122 THE UPSTARTS III (510) CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME -RIFF 6452 12 6 3 116 SWIFT CURRENT (468) QUICKSAND 6554 16 7 1 108 NATURAL DISASTERS (159) LIGHTNING IX 4866 13 5 2 105 DEATH STUDS VII (301) TRIPLICATE THUNDER 6616 13 8 0 103 WILD CARDS (148) KABOOM 6248 10 1 0 100 RED AVENGERS (487) THORNE 5259 14 4 0 99 FA CHING (388) HEADROCK 3430 19 19 0 98 OGRES ARE US (270) LORD OF THE O RINGS 6022 23 13 1 97 WILD CARDS (148) BRAK 94 15 12 1 97 THE UNDERWORLD (15) WINKER X 6470 14 12 0 93 4000 BLOWS (107) CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME OBITER DICTA 5860 12 10 1 89 LEGALESE (449) AVIENDHA 4721 19 23 0 88 FA CHING (388) WHITE RAVEN 6484 14 10 1 87 SHADOW SIGNS (491) CYCLONE 6816 9 4 0 87 NATURAL DISASTERS (159) CYVIN 5258 12 8 1 86 FA CHING (388) SUPERNOVA 6239 8 3 0 85 RED AVENGERS (487) -ROSENCRANTZ 6786 7 5 0 83 BLACK FRIARS (521) SANDSTORM 6813 9 4 0 82 NATURAL DISASTERS (159) THE AYL'M'ER 6056 14 16 1 81 4000 BLOWS (107) -WON TOO MANY 5892 7 4 1 80 SAAB STORY (389) NOODLES 6247 5 6 0 80 RED AVENGERS (487) NAPPY DUGOUT 6080 15 18 1 78 WILD CARDS (148) LLUPERIOR LLORCES 5956 9 5 1 78 LUROCIANS VI (431) ACK ACK 837 11 8 3 75 THE UNDERWORLD (15) TALON 6736 7 5 0 72 WING HOVE (529) -KARATE WRECKER 6693 6 9 0 72 THIEVES GUILD (396) SMIRLIN 6568 13 13 0 71 OGRES ARE US (270) LLUGS AND LLISSES 5887 11 10 1 71 LUROCIANS VI (431) WIND 5906 11 5 0 69 FIVE SPHERES (462) LACHES 5642 13 16 0 68 LEGALESE (449) -WARAGEN 5573 11 3 0 68 SAAB STORY (389) CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME -LEO 6837 8 2 0 68 DARQUE AGES (536) 4-FT PARTY BONG 6908 8 4 0 67 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) CHALLENGER ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME TOGS STINKER 6588 11 6 0 66 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) MARBURY 4499 14 9 0 64 LOCK-OUT (368) BLUE BEANIE 6461 11 12 1 64 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) SON OF BLOODLUST 6823 11 3 0 63 4000 BLOWS (107) -GOURMET GRUEL 6730 9 6 0 62 R.J.G. (475) DREK 836 8 11 1 61 THE UNDERWORLD (15) HELMS 6660 10 8 3 60 POWER BROKERS (527) TAY STARLE 6808 6 5 2 60 WING HOVE (529) MISTRESS BOMBTRONIC 6617 13 8 1 58 WILD CARDS (148) MURRAY 6661 10 7 0 57 POWER BROKERS (527) ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME SYDA HAMMIE 6667 12 7 0 56 OGRES ARE US (270) URLGEN THREE-FIST 7019 4 3 1 56 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185) T-MAC 6806 7 8 1 55 LOCK-OUT (368) DEMURRER 5828 13 13 2 54 LEGALESE (449) ZERBERT 6243 9 2 0 54 RED AVENGERS (487) FRUB 6794 8 7 0 54 WIMPS OF DEATH (66) BONG 6980 8 2 0 53 I'M WITH STUPID (531) LLUCKY DAY 6021 8 6 0 52 LUROCIANS VI (431) EDDIE THE ECHO 3770 5 5 1 52 DEATH STUDS VII (301) TYPHOON XXII 6827 10 2 0 51 DEATH STUDS VII (301) NAMBY PAMBY 6977 6 4 1 51 WIMPS OF DEATH (66) -IKER 6505 9 7 0 50 R.J.G. (475) FREEP 6812 9 5 0 50 WIMPS OF DEATH (66) -STRANGLEMEELMO 6762 6 1 1 49 5 BELOW ZERO (532) -SPONGEBOB 6504 10 6 0 48 R.J.G. (475) GOLDFISH 6718 8 9 0 45 SHADOW SIGNS (491) ANGRY SANTA 6828 9 3 0 44 DEATH STUDS VII (301) XXX 6975 8 2 0 44 SHADOW SIGNS (491) HERROL 6694 8 5 0 43 WING HOVE (529) FLORIN FALCONHAND 5750 7 12 0 43 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185) SCRAG 6972 7 3 0 43 LOSERS (544) S.L.A.P.P. 6974 6 4 0 42 LEGALESE (449) -VORPAL BUNNY 6731 6 9 0 42 R.J.G. (475) ZYLLEIX'S SHADE 6939 3 7 0 42 SHADOW SIGNS (491) DERRIN 6952 6 3 0 41 WING HOVE (529) SANDY BEACH 6957 5 2 0 41 SWIFT CURRENT (468) TOGS REPLACEMENT 7045 4 1 0 41 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) BARON 6765 10 6 2 40 LOCK-OUT (368) THE-SHOCKER 6824 6 6 0 39 DEATH STUDS VII (301) -HENRY IV 6899 6 5 0 39 BLACK FRIARS (521) MARDUK 6863 5 7 1 39 FACES OF ETERNITY (539) ANDROGENOUS STRAIN 6412 5 11 0 39 THE UPSTARTS III (510) BING 6979 8 2 0 38 I'M WITH STUPID (531) HOSCHA 6835 7 6 0 38 OGRES ARE US (270) -RIP RAP 6599 7 7 0 38 SWIFT CURRENT (468) INSISTANT BEGGAR 6630 7 8 0 37 BUMS 'R' US (465) -MR. NEGATIVITY 6764 4 3 0 37 5 BELOW ZERO (532) -SLIPKNOT 6674 6 10 0 36 THIEVES GUILD (396) DUNNO 6988 5 4 0 35 HIT ME WITH... (503) MR OBLIVIOUS 6413 4 11 0 35 THE UPSTARTS III (510) PIKEL 5808 8 9 0 34 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185) -WURL POOLE 6799 3 2 0 34 SWIFT CURRENT (468) CHALLENGER INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME WATER 5905 6 5 0 33 FIVE SPHERES (462) ASSHE-MASTER 7000 7 2 0 31 4000 BLOWS (107) URBAN 7035 6 0 0 31 DARQUE AGES (536) CHALLENGER INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME JAMIS 6735 5 7 1 31 WING HOVE (529) -GUILDENSTERN 6785 5 8 1 30 BLACK FRIARS (521) INDIMAR'S FAXMACHINE 7013 2 5 0 30 HIT ME WITH... (503) ORIGINAL SHOCKER 6959 6 5 0 29 WILD CARDS (148) DOVE FALCONHAND 5770 5 13 1 29 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185) GRAFFIX 6909 5 7 0 29 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) -DICHABOD 6912 4 7 0 29 THIEVES GUILD (396) SPED 6803 2 3 0 29 BUMS 'R' US (465) LOUKMAD 7042 2 4 0 28 OGRES ARE US (270) TOGS WINNER 7137 2 0 0 28 RED AVENGERS (487) LIMPY LIMPY 7046 2 2 0 28 LUROCIANS VI (431) SHARP STICK 6949 5 6 0 27 I'M WITH STUPID (531) WILDFIRE 6983 5 4 0 27 NATURAL DISASTERS (159) DR. FEELGOOD 7130 1 2 0 27 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) VIKEN 6943 5 6 1 26 LOSERS (544) -THE GREEK GUY 6179 5 1 0 25 I HATE THEM (480) PIP THE TROLL 6942 6 5 1 24 LOSERS (544) FLICKED BOOGERS 6989 5 4 0 24 HIT ME WITH... (503) WEED 4 MOM 6984 4 6 0 24 LOCK-OUT (368) -HANGMAN 6761 4 3 0 24 5 BELOW ZERO (532) RYLD 7067 1 3 0 24 MELEE-MAGTHERE (549) INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME TWICKLEBUM 6992 4 5 0 23 WIMPS OF DEATH (66) -INNOCENT 6838 5 5 2 22 DARQUE AGES (536) GROVER 7004 4 4 0 22 I'M WITH STUPID (531) SILVER BELLS 7014 4 3 0 21 SHADOW SIGNS (491) JARLAXLE 7066 3 1 1 21 MELEE-MAGTHERE (549) TOSSED SALAD 6987 3 6 0 21 HIT ME WITH... (503) IVAN 7043 4 2 0 20 FORGOTTEN REALMS (185) JAMAICAN GOLD 7039 3 3 0 20 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) -Z=ENTER THESE 7079 2 0 0 20 MALAQUAR'S MINIONS (550) HARSIESUS 6871 1 0 0 20 INQUISITION SG-1 (540) QUETZACOATYL 6865 3 9 1 19 FACES OF ETERNITY (539) -HELL MARY 6760 3 4 0 19 5 BELOW ZERO (532) TOGS DIXIE 7084 2 2 0 19 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) VOLCANO 7048 3 2 0 17 NATURAL DISASTERS (159) TELLY 7135 2 0 0 17 I'M WITH STUPID (531) TRUST FUND BABY 6951 1 4 0 17 BUMS 'R' US (465) -VAJRA HAMMER 7076 2 0 0 16 MALAQUAR'S MINIONS (550) -LEGS ANDARMS 7020 2 3 0 15 THIEVES GUILD (396) NERVOUS TIC 6638 2 3 0 15 BUMS 'R' US (465) -X=WHERE'S MY BEER? 7077 2 0 0 15 MALAQUAR'S MINIONS (550) VOHDE 7040 3 3 0 14 FIVE SPHERES (462) KERRY 7141 2 0 0 14 POWER BROKERS (527) -VICIOUS RUMOR 6981 2 7 0 13 R.J.G. (475) ZIGGERZAG 7153 1 0 0 13 THE UPSTARTS III (510) MAIMONIDES 7010 2 6 0 12 FACES OF ETERNITY (539) ROCKY BANKS 7073 1 2 0 12 SWIFT CURRENT (468) LLAPPY LLILMORE 7133 2 0 0 11 LUROCIANS VI (431) -Y=GET ME THIS ONE 7078 1 1 0 11 MALAQUAR'S MINIONS (550) BUSTED NUTS 7134 1 1 0 11 HIT ME WITH... (503) CLINTON 7146 1 0 0 11 POWER BROKERS (527) LOTT 7145 1 0 0 11 POWER BROKERS (527) ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083 2 2 0 9 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) TELESPHORUS 7071 2 3 0 9 DARQUE AGES (536) -IAGO 6997 2 3 0 9 BLACK FRIARS (521) -SONNETT 7088 1 0 0 9 SAAB STORY (389) ANASTASIUS II 7117 2 2 0 8 DARQUE AGES (536) QUEENIE 7093 2 2 0 8 RED DOG GANG (476) PRETTY BOY 7091 2 2 0 8 RED DOG GANG (476) ERIK THE RED 7041 1 5 0 8 FACES OF ETERNITY (539) VERDICT 7069 1 4 0 7 LEGALESE (449) INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME -LOTUS BLOSSOM 7080 1 1 0 7 MALAQUAR'S MINIONS (550) DUKE 7090 1 3 0 6 RED DOG GANG (476) MANAGER 7094 1 3 0 6 LOSERS (544) -SUGAR 7128 1 1 1 5 5 BELOW ZERO (532) ROT GUT 7154 1 0 0 5 THE UPSTARTS III (510) DUST 7142 0 2 0 4 FIVE SPHERES (462) OWL-LEN-L-NER 7143 0 2 0 2 LOCK-OUT (368) TOGS DESPERATION 7136 0 2 0 2 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) NUHRII 7127 0 2 0 2 THE UNDERWORLD (15) BLAZE 7155 0 1 0 1 FIVE SPHERES (462) CORTEZ 7156 0 1 0 1 FACES OF ETERNITY (539) -DISCOCHIMP 7051 0 1 0 1 BUMS 'R' US (465) M'TARL 7138 0 1 0 1 MELEE-MAGTHERE (549) '-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn. THE DEAD W L K TEAM NAME SLAIN BY TURN Revenge? BLUD 7012 3 1 0 5 BELOW ZERO 532 QUETZACOATYL 6865 331 REVENGED BORED ELF 19 0 1 0 DARK ARENA 0 DREK 836 334 NONE LANCELOT 6867 4 7 0 FACES OF ETERNITY 539 NAMBY PAMBY 6977 333 FLAME 7017 3 3 0 FIVE SPHERES 462 T-MAC 6806 333 THE BRICK 6342 8 3 0 HIT ME WITH... 503 NEWCASTLE 6669 330 NOT REVE POPPA BEAR 7150 0 1 0 I HATE THEM 480 ARNIE SHEW 21 334 NONE FATHER 7151 0 1 0 I HATE THEM 480 DARK CHAMPION 24 334 NONE BOSS RAT 7152 0 1 0 I HATE THEM 480 JORGE BLACK ORC 20 334 NONE PPAPPY 7072 0 1 0 LOCK-OUT 368 URLGEN THREE-FIS 7019 330 REVENGED DAIT 7147 0 1 0 LOSERS 544 ARENAMASTER HARKON 23 334 NONE JERLYS 7139 0 1 0 MELEE-MAGTHERE 549 STONE GOLEM 26 334 NONE ZILLIAN 7148 0 1 0 MELEE-MAGTHERE 549 SPYMASTER 22 334 NONE SPIT 6435 5 2 0 METAL MELTDOWN 344 NAPPY DUGOUT 6080 330 NOT REVE MAUI WOWIE! 6907 4 5 1 MY BEST BUDS 2 542 INNOCENT 6838 331 REVENGED MONKEY'S PAW 7038 1 1 0 MY BEST BUDS 2 542 INNOCENT 6838 330 REVENGED MC CAIN 6662 9 8 0 POWER BROKERS 527 LLUPERIOR LLORCE 5956 333 BOONE 6090 12 42 0 RED DOG GANG 476 RIFF 6452 330 NONE SIRIUS 6193 17 24 1 RED DOG GANG 476 ACK ACK 837 332 TEACUP TERRIER 6569 7 15 1 RED DOG GANG 476 VIKEN 6943 330 NOT REVE PHYDEAU 7092 0 2 0 RED DOG GANG 476 SUGAR 7128 332 TA'LON THE VILE 4447 2 6 0 THE UNDERWORLD 15 SEA MONSTER 27 334 NONE SQUIRTY JOE 7008 1 5 0 THE UPSTARTS III 510 JARLAXLE 7066 333 FAST & DUMB 7144 0 1 0 WIMPS OF DEATH 66 ARNIE SHEW 21 334 NONE PIPSQUEAK 6810 8 5 0 WIMPS OF DEATH 66 BARON 6765 333 PERSONAL ADS Anti -- Nice turn last turn. Let's keep that up and move up in the rankings. -- Snotman Malaquar -- You are clearly not allowed to have minions. Please read section 87 paragraph 43 of your contract. You just added 14 years to your indentured servitude for breach of contract. -- Guardian Soultaker -- Man do you really have to drink beer out of that ladle? That's a sin, I think. -- Guardian Right. Vodka only. Beer doesn't have enough alcohol to disinfect anything. -- Ed. Pip -- Hmm looks like nothing much was your fault this week. -- Guardian Squirty Joe's Manager -- My regards to you for your loss. I hope his replacement brings you many wins in his future and am again sorry for the scimitar to the throat even though I was aiming for the leg. -- Jarlaxle P.S. I hope Gummi Ghoul is merciful and I learn a lot...if I don't die. Pretty Boy -- I am not a very good teacher but am a great student. -- Ryld DeGhotti -- You still have someone left in 17? -- Barnabas Spot -- The Great Nulninski, 130 lbs. of rippling powerful, intense muscle is your manager's secret protector. I personally have rec'd many threatening messages (most with finger paints) telling me to leave you alone or else! Please keep this info to yourself, wouldn't want this getting out to any of the guys. They frown on protecting ones outside the non-alliance' they all seemed to thrive on challenging you, I do it once, accidentally kill one of your fellow teammates and holy cow! Nuln goes into Nulnitaville. :) About all I can say is lucky you, having someone such as the feared Nulninski in your corner has got to be a good feeling. :( (Oh excuse me, I just puked.) Time to go! -- Barnabas RDG -- Glad to hear you got good replacements; I did what I could. Sorry to hear they got killed. Please just let Nuln know it wasn't me .) -- Barnabas Soulie -- Glad to help. Any time, amigo. -- Barnabas Soultaker -- About the bends, have I been pulling you off Pip too fast? -- Barnabas Voyde -- Thanks for the tip. OK Nuln, you can't come over anymore, but I do want my paints back! Natural Disasters, is that Soulie's team? Oh man, I can't stop my knees from knockin'. Auntie Em, whatever am I going to do? -- Barnabas Death Stud -- Come on partner, don't tell me your memory is going too! We had just discussed the hit list a few days previous. I have no hit list, at least any specific one. :) Mine kinda are a random thing but my challenges against you are never from a hit list. More like an "Oh Boy" list. :) Man, this leading the TOGS thing must put a lot of stress on ya, buddy. Hang tough, it's not me lurking in the shadows against any of my friends. -- Barnabas P.S. Oh and by the way, thanks for being a little concerned about my so called list, you really know how to build a guy's confidence. :> Pip -- Chill, my brother, I can take care of myself oh super intelligent one. Everything is cool in Fonzland (I think). Hey, feathers get ruffled no matter where and how, it just seems to happen sometimes. Folks either get over it or they don't, simple as that. Dude your move is like you're standing still, what happened to this dominance I was hearing about? Hasn't your partner taught you anything yet; thought that was part of the deal? -- Barnabas Party Bong -- You suck! -- Wurl Poole Zerbert -- Why is it always me hooking up with your kind? -- Rip Rap Shocker -- I'll bet you were, man that was easy. -- S.B. Anastasius -- Someday I'll win! -- Rocky This is just an ad in case I forget later. -- The Rage Man Death Stud -- Thanks for letting Thundra take the throne. -- DeGotti 5-0 What a wonderful feeling in such a quality arena! -- DeGotti Genocide -- We must stop meeting so much on the sands. -- DeGotti Nuln -- I would brag about the victory over Zesty, but looking at my last three turns 3-11-1. I just don't have the juice. -- Genocide Ok, pity party over. I rocked! You never had a chance! Now (sniff), in Barny Fife fashion, that's better. Hey, can we DA our manager? -- Brak Leo -- That was skill, so good I'm DAing Drek. How did you do that? And don't give me that clean living' crap. -- Genocide DeGotti -- Never mind?!? -- Genocide desperately hanging to that one victory Goldfish -- My word you're quick. I'll have to remember to stay away from you. -- the Greek Guy (the warrior not the manager) Melee-Magthere -- Well, at least I can see that you've got some guts to back up that stench. Mind telling me what you go by so I can stop referring to you as "pondscum" to my associates? -- Onedawg, Last Scion of the Da'awginori Soultaker -- I'm baaaack! -- Mad Max Greetings and well met, Aradi. I just wanted to re-introduce myself. I am Mad Max, manager of I Hate Them. I will be around for quite a while so I hope everyone can get used to it again. I'm really looking forward to competing with everyone in this fine arena. I really missed being away and after everyone's favorite bald, sheep loving, soul acquiring dwarf started talking his usual trash about how I can't cut it in Aradi and that was why I wasn't around anymore, I decided to hang my hat (among other things) here in Aradi again. I hope you all don't mind. If you do.... Well, tough noogies for you. I'm not going anywhere. I fully expect to be back at full strength with a full stable of crappy managers (that I am going to try and pass off as warriors) in the next few coming weeks. Just do me a favor and take it easy on them. It's not their fault that I am incompetent. I hope to see you all on the sand. Salute! Florin Falconhand -- I haven't had so much fun in a long time. Beating someone with such a pretentious name really makes me feel great. Of course then I look at your record and the feeling diminishes some what. - Freep Son of Bloodlust -- A suggestion: Either grow or use a smaller weapon. Another suggestion: Avoid fighters like me. -- Frub Faces of Eternity -- I checked Namby Pamby's kill desire used in his fight with Lancelot (RIP) and it was as I directed, a 5KD. I can't understand why he suddenly decided to seek the death blow. I'd like to say that it won't happen again, but I can't say that. -- Wimpy Ghost of Lancelot -- Now for all eternity you can look at faces. HHHAHAHA. -- Namby Pamby What? Oh, right. I think I need some more tea before I finish this. -- Ed. the caffeine deprived Baron -- It is hard to believe that you would stoop so low as to kill such a little guy as Pipsqueak. He was only 5'1" and really never hurt anyone. I guess we will have to blood feud by sending one of our guys out to meet you. The only reason we will do so if for the sake of honor. We sure don't have a chance of beating you. -- Wimpy Vohde -- I'll bet you thought you were making a good challenge. On paper it looked good, but you forgot, on paper doesn't count. You still have to fight the fight, and win. -- Twicklebum Gosh Darn it, HAL isn't sending me a response! Just another ad test. -- The Rage Man HAL must have been on strike. I understand he wants more latitude in eating ads and such. -- Ed. Snotman -- You can justify however you want. I'm just calling it how it looks to me. You can't really point out the original FONZ members as examples, it's not like The Dark One or anyone good would have joined you guys when you were first starting out. I'm pretty sure that the original FONZ was much more accomplished than the original DOA when we formed. How was anyone to know that Nuln would be a dud or that Death Stud would be any good? Meanwhile, your recent additions have been brilliant. You add Hombre right when he's peaking. You knew Ganolus for like two+ years, but are savvy enough to wait until he TCs before you invite him. And now you strike it rich with Barnabas. Meanwhile, you add members like Anti and Magic Man to make it look like you don't really care--knowing full well that their low tourney entrants won't hurt your bottom line. Fortunately, I'm on to you. -- Manager P.S. With a sad 8.52 TV % for the 2003 year, I'm sure BOB is regretting a lot of invites. Barnabas -- I wouldn't be me, if I didn't pay attention to these things. :) Always keep an eye on those who might threaten you in the future...that said, I hope the no- pressure thing works for you. For me, I find that I'm at my best when I am all paranoid and assuming the rest of my alliance-mates are going to do badly. More stressed, but also better. -- Manager Guardian -- Pfft! Well then you're just going to have to learn how to do strategy sheets on your own. -- Manager DeGotti -- Way to take the throne! Again, it just goes to show, that if you want something done right, you need to do it yourself! -- Manager Guardian -- Just who do you think you are, asking us to kill one of your warriors? This is an Andorian arena, bub, take that team to some Delarquan place and have him killed off. -- Manager P.S. I'll try to see if we can scum him though. CFH -- Thanks. My teammate from 45 says he thinks you still owe us a couple of roll- ups. -- Manager Soultaker -- You have to be able to actually accomplish something before you can say you are a has-been. (New definition of accomplish: Winning a Primus TC.) -- Manager Soultaker -- I don't think anyone can fault me if we lose this TOGS. My strategy was foolproof. How could anyone have ever calculated the odds that you would carry your own weight this time? That was such a low percentage variable. -- Manager Well, it's late and there's not a whole lot to say except: I have enjoyed the competition immensely and look forward to watching who wins. And maybe even be able to play a little bit of the spoiler along the way!!! -- Street Legal P.S. Oh and I am GLAD to finally get a successful bloodfeud against my alliance- mate, I wasn't sure I would get it!!! All -- 4-1 last turn! YEAH! I am not dragging Team 3 down...for that turn anyway! -- Shadowgate Yukon -- Get your team back in gear! When need Team 3 running on both cylinders! -- Shadowgate Death Stud -- Avoiding Yukon's team huh? You must have been avoiding my team just a little less based on my poor percentage of my challenges getting through to you. You can run but you can't hide forever! -- Shadowgate That's what you think. Facial reconstruction makes the hiding forever quite a bit easier. -- Ed. Thundra -- Thanks! We needed to have someone do that! -- Shadowgate All -- Damn! I pulled an Anti last turn. -1.5 points scored on a multiplier round. How sad. -- Snotman Master Darque -- Yeah yeah, excuses are like goat mcnuggets, they go good with ketchup. >:P -- Anti Now this time I KNOW it's not lack of caffeine. -- Ed. Spot -- Yeah but the TOGS won't last forever, so c'mon and stick it out! :) -- Anti All -- Hi. My name is Yukon and I think painting baby seals with red paint to stop people from clubbing then and taking their skin was a really good way of feeding a lot of polar bears. -- Yukon They need to add cayenne pepper to the paint. Polar bears can't have a whole lot of experience with Mexican food. -- Ed. All -- OK I will tough this contest out. -- Ghoti Shadowgate -- You got your wish. It seems we were unable to keep up the run. -- Soultaker More prune juice? -- Ed. P.S. NOT an age reference. However it sounds. PiP -- It is all your fault. -- Soultaker PiP -- As if joining the CDC is a huge step for mankind. A has-been alliance that sucks more then Cher at a Navy, Army reunion. -- Soultaker Death Stud -- You go to the left and I will go to the right and we will surround these pud managers. -- Soultaker Guardian -- Next time get a real partner. Try one with more ability like maybe Miles or the Boss. I know you felt sorry for him and let him come out and play with the big boys. -- Soultaker Manalger -- Nice turn for you two last turn. That will be your last. -- Soultaker All -- NCAA or RSI...curse you TOGS! -- Voyde Not so good last turn but at least my ne guy is better than my partner's. :) -- TGG Too bad my challenges that went through last turn were for the turn I missed. -- TGG Fellow Togs Participants -- It was not the legendary fax machine that caused me to miss last turn. It was a bad attitude worthy of legend. I will make every attempt to finish in a manner worthy of all who seek the Golden Scrod. -- Indimar Whoo-boy. I have a sneaking suspicion of what a "manner worthy" might be and it ain't a pretty suspicion. -- Ed. Onemutt, eater of the last scone -- It is customary to allow one to reply to a challenge before throwing out your "I thought not". Let me just point out that I have pretty much owned you throughout this contest (others have been slapping me around pretty good lately). Even though I missed last turn, my good partner carried us farther up in the standings as you fell back. If you still want to wager, let me know your terms. Perhaps the loser could manage under the name Little Bunny Froo Froo for several turns. I would be willing to wager you already have jammies to match the name. -- Indimar Fallon freelance dogcatcher Mr. Soultaker -- Thanks for noticing me. I am sorry I was too ignorant to know the honor I was receiving when YOU communicated with me. It was an honest mistake. I noticed you always write to Barnabas and figured you would talk to just about anybody. I will try to be suitably giddy the next time you address me. -- Indimar the Unworthy Elephant -- Nice job carrying us through last turn. I hope I can take some of the weight off your shoulders this turn. -- Indimar Ryld -- What's a golem? Are you some kind of wind-up toy? Anyway, it hurt my teeth when I tried to chew on you. No fun! -- Queenie Ta'Lon the Vile -- You used that stuff that tastes awful to make dogs stop chewing, didn't you? But I am stronger than nasty-tasting stuff! I am...Pretty Boy! Z=Enter These -- But I don't want to. -- Duke Ul'saruk -- You don't seriously expect me to remember what I said two turns ago, do you? -- Queenie P.S. If it's really important, I'll look it up. Dr. Feelgood -- It's more fun that way. Like a tug of war. -- Duke CFH -- Yes, there's been something strange going on here in Aradi lately. Something very anti-dog. Poisonings, hit-and-runs with hobnailed carriages, vicious packs of chickens, the whole works. -- Spot Ghoti -- I just don't get why you would name yourself after facial hair. What gives? -- Eyelash (it's really me, Death Stud) P.S. I really hope that you stay. Master Darque -- Avoiding the manager with warriors below you makes sense, but with the qualifier that those warriors might actually have a chance of beating yours. Else, there's no reason to avoid, and therefore why I am perplexed. -- Death Stud Mansnot -- Tourney is coming up. What foreign country are you running off to in order to avoid your participation in the FONZ non-alliance events this year? -- Studdie Freep -- I know...know...know...know.... That sucks...sucks...sucks.... -- Eddie the Echo DeGotti -- I know that you didn't really think you could peer pressure me into acceptable a bad matchup with Lightning based on the time-honored "c'mon, don't be a yeller dog" taunt. -- Death Stud Genocide -- Do what you need to do, but please try to be as considerate as you can of the contest in Was there supposed to be more to this ad? -- Ed. the continually confused Shadowgate -- Crazy stuff, wasn't that? Here's for 3 more turns of it! -- Death Stud Anti -- Sorry about last turn. It won't happen again. From here on out it's spotlights and personals and at least 4 points worth of wins, every turn! -- Snotman Voyde -- While you're reading this, I'm losing us five points. -- Nuln But at least you're staying on my good side. -- Ed. Soultaker -- Nuln told me it was about being funny. Now he tells me my team's performance isn't supposed to be comical, only the spotlights are. And now he's telling me a scrod is a fish, not part of a male's anatomy. What bombshell are you guys gonna drop on me next? -- Pip Ghoti -- I think you should tough this contest out. -- Armalias Ghoti -- Sorry ya have to drop out. I know how THAT feels. >:P -- Anti Manalger -- Ha! -- Anti, you know why Greek Guy -- Ya should ask Wimpy about Roanoke VA's mail system...I'm pretty sure it consists of two dope heads and an old goat with a saddle. When I lived there my turns were occasionally 2-3 weeks late. -- Anti The goat died. -- Ed. Nervous Tic -- Huh? What fight? -- Mr. Oblivious Jarlaxle -- Not sure if I'll bother to bloodfeud...probably not. -- Anti Hombre -- First Ganolus, now you, what's up with this hide and seek? -- Elephant 25 February 2004 Readers, and especially those who volunteered warriors -- My apologies for the sudden lack of episodes. I've been sick, but expect to be back at the keyboard soon. -- the Scribe 3 March 2004 MONGO'S MARDI GRAS MADNESS DUELMASTERS AUCTION Mongo, aka Matt McIntosh and ex-Warden of the Dark Circle, is auctioning off his entire collection of Duelmasters warriors and stables. Don't miss out on this chance to own some fantastic warriors! There are ADM warriors available in every class from Primus to Freshmen, as well as over a dozen Basic stables. Does a Slasher with +4 attack, +4 decisiveness, +3 initiative and +2 riposte sound good? How about a Lunger who received the benefit of a TC prize, has TVed three times after graduating--and still hasn't maxed out his skills!? How about a Striker in the Freshmen class who has decisiveness for a favorite learn and the MAUL for a favorite weapon!? Or perhaps you prefer playing in Basic. Then how does a stable with four Adept class warriors who have a combined record of 41-19-9 sound? Or maybe a stable with three 21-Will warriors? Or perhaps a stable with four Initiates and a Rookie who have a combined record of 23-6-1? The quality of the lots is excellent. All you need to view and bid on the lots is go to: http://members.aol.com/jvmerlino/mardigras.html If you want to be on the mailing list to receive regular updates on the auction, just send an e-mail to JVMerlino@aol.com. Merlin, aka John Merlino and also an ex- Warden of the Dark Circle, will be running this auction for me. I just moved to New Orleans and am likely currently stumbling around the French Quarter...because it's Mardi Gras! So I have named my auction in honor of this occasion. The auction will start on Saturday, March 13th, 2004, and will continue for several weeks. But you should get your bids in early if you want your best chance at owning any of these fantastic warriors and stables. Many thanks to all for your interest and your bids, Mongo 5 March 2004 Style Masters Symposium Hosted by Hammer The years have slipped by and many DM Managers have come and gone since the last Hammer's Handbook was compiled and printed. There is now a stirring within me to begin writing and editing yet another Handbook with a distribution date sometime in 2005. This Handbook will be made available via Email with a possibility of burning the info to a CD for distribution. Special arrangements will be made to provide the information via printed page to those contributors who are serving sentences behind bars. The working title of this new Handbook is "Style Masters Symposium Hosted by Hammer". Distribution of this Handbook is projected to be MAINLY for those DM Managers who contribute information/articles to Hammer by June 2004. Informative and entertaining articles should focus on insights regarding Any or All 10 Style Masters for both the Basic and ADM arenas as well as Tourney competition. Articles focusing on Weapons/Armor are also encouraged for inclusion. Whether you are a Newbie Manager without a clue or a Jaded Veteran; everyone has discovered something about this gaming experience that is both Insightful and Entertaining. Email Your Articles to HammerDM@fastermail.com or send them via Diplo to either Flower Hammerz (372) in DM 28 or Casino Hammerz (576) in DM 33. Length and Content of the Style Masters Symposium Hosted by Hammer will be Determined by the Quality and Quantity of Contributors Combined with the Literary Efforts of Hammer who is currently overseas for an indefinite period of time. Articles Contributed for this Project should be of Sufficient Length and Content to Warrant being Included to Receive the Finished Document when Hammer has completed this literary work to His satisfaction. Managers contributing articles are also requested to include a DM Bio of Themselves along with any Notable Successes and/or Failures during Their DM Career in Basic, ADM and/or Tourney Play. A listing of Active Stables would also be Helpful for Anyone Seeking to Reply to Contributors via Diplo, Email or Snailmail. May Your Blades Be Sharp And Your Wits Sharper! -- Hammer of Flower Hammerz (372) DM 28 and Casino Hammerz (576) DM 33 18 March 2004 St. Valentine's Day Massacre Update We are pleased to announce that the kLk sponsored St. Valentine's Day Massacre kill contest in DM 36 is off to a great start. We are also pleased to announce that in addition to the 10 team rollups we are also able to offer the renaming of a dark arena warrior as a prize to the manager with the most kills. The contest is only 2 turns old and is still wide open. There are currently 5 managers tied with one kill each. Anything can still happen so hurry up and get into the arena. On a personal note, no other alliances have entered the arena in force to challenge the kLk dominance. We were expecting The Firm to put up a fight for their supposed home arena. But, they were a no show. Guess they proved what they are really made of. *evil grin* Perhaps another alliance would like to step in to give us a challenge. We are throwing down the gauntlet. Perhaps the Chaos Inc. boys I keep hearing about would like to step in and challenge the kLk for arena dominance. If you don't show up, Chaos, don't feel bad. FAR better managers than you have been invited into Jhans but have chosen to pass on the offer. So if you consider yourself worthy to compete, like fierce competition, and enjoy arenas where the personals are as fierce as the fighting, come visit JHANS DM 36. We're already planning our next contest, "Capture the Flag," and have a storyline being actively worked on in the arena. Whatever you like about DM you can find it in JHANS. Bookie mgr. of Suicidal Dreams and Director Jhans Board of Tourism kLk Alliance LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS DREK delivered the death blow upon BORED ELF in a 3 minute Dark Arena fight. TA'LON THE VILE was dispatched by SEA MONSTER in a 1 minute Dark Arena battle. POPPA BEAR was put to death by ARNIE SHEW in a 2 minute gory Dark Arena match. FATHER was dispatched by DARK CHAMPION in a 1 minute Dark Arena brawl. FAST & DUMB was dealt death by ARNIE SHEW in a 2 minute Dark Arena fight. BOSS RAT was assassinated by JORGE BLACK ORC in a 1 minute Dark Arena match. DAIT was butchered by ARENAMASTER HARKON in a 1 minute gruesome Dark Arena brawl. JERLYS was slain by STONE GOLEM in a 2 minute brutal Dark Arena struggle. ZILLIAN was butchered by SPYMASTER in a 1 minute Dark Arena competition. MURRAY was overpowered by LLUPERIOR LLORCES in a 1 minute uneven Bloodfeud melee. BARON was vanquished by URLGEN THREE-FIST in a 1 minute uneven Bloodfeud duel. DUST was overpowered by T-MAC in a 2 minute uneven Bloodfeud duel. WINKER X was overpowered by THUNDRA in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight. OBITER DICTA was overpowered by BLACKBURST in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight. BRAK was bested by GUMMI GHOUL in a 2 minute master's Challenge Title conflict. AVIENDHA was demolished by TRIPLICATE THUNDER in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge brawl. QUICKSAND overcame HEADROCK in a action packed 2 minute veteran's Challenge conflict. SMIRLIN was overpowered by LORD OF THE O RINGS in a 1 minute Challenge struggle. KABOOM handily defeated THE AYL'M'ER in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge bout. NOODLES was viciously subdued by SIR ZESTALOT in a 2 minute veteran's Challenge brawl. LLUGS AND LLISSES was savagely defeated by CYCLONE in a 2 minute Challenge bout. LACHES unbelievably bested BLUE BEANIE in a 8 minute master's Challenge competition. SYDA HAMMIE was vanquished by SUPERNOVA in a 2 minute one-sided Challenge match. FRUB was viciously subdued by WIND in a crowd pleasing 3 minute gory Challenge fray. TAY STARLE demolished THE-SHOCKER in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight. SON OF BLOODLUST vanquished DERRIN in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge match. TYPHOON XXII luckily beat GOLDFISH in a exciting 6 minute gruesome Challenge bout. HELMS savagely defeated LLUCKY DAY in a popular 3 minute expert's Challenge duel. XXX luckily beat HOSCHA in a action packed 5 minute brutal Challenge competition. ZYLLEIX'S SHADE overpowered JAMAICAN GOLD in a 1 minute uneven Challenge fight. BING unbelievably bested MR OBLIVIOUS in a exciting 2 minute Challenge fight. WILDFIRE was savagely defeated by MARDUK in a popular 2 minute brutal Challenge fight. RYLD was beaten by FLORIN FALCONHAND in a action packed 1 minute Challenge bout. ASSHE-MASTER subdued DOVE FALCONHAND in a 3 minute Challenge contest. URBAN unbelievably bested VIKEN in a crowd pleasing 5 minute brutal Challenge fight. TOGS REPLACEMENT demolished SILVER BELLS in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge struggle. DR. FEELGOOD was viciously subdued by ANGRY SANTA in a 3 minute Challenge fight. ERIK THE RED was vanquished by TELLY in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout. MAIMONIDES was viciously subdued by WEED 4 MOM in a 4 minute Challenge bout. QUETZACOATYL was handily defeated by LOUKMAD in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel. ZIG-ZAG MAN was defeated by FLICKED BOOGERS in a 1 minute Challenge battle. NUHRII was demolished by ROCKY BANKS in a 1 minute uneven Challenge conflict. LLAPPY LLILMORE overcame VERDICT in a 3 minute brutal amateur's Challenge fight. TELESPHORUS was overcome by VOHDE in a crowd pleasing 3 minute Challenge melee. TOGS WINNER demolished ANASTASIUS II in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge match. LIGHTNING IX demolished NAPPY DUGOUT in a popular 1 minute gory uneven fight. THORNE overcame SANDSTORM in a 2 minute master's bout. ACK ACK lost to WHITE RAVEN in a 1 minute veteran's match. TALON was overcome by CYVIN in a 1 minute bout. MARBURY luckily beat NAMBY PAMBY in a popular 4 minute gory battle. 4-FT PARTY BONG overcame ANDROGENOUS STRAIN in a 2 minute bloody contest. TOGS STINKER luckily beat EDDIE THE ECHO in a exciting 7 minute struggle. INSISTANT BEGGAR was outlasted by FREEP in a slow 21 minute brawl. DEMURRER was devastated by BONG in a crowd pleasing 2 minute one-sided match. PIKEL was outwaited by ZERBERT in a tiring 22 minute bout. HERROL outwaited PIP THE TROLL in a slow 14 minute struggle. MISTRESS BOMBTRONIC outlasted LIMPY LIMPY in a unpopular 9 minute brawl. S.L.A.P.P. devastated TWICKLEBUM in a 1 minute one-sided bout. SCRAG overpowered JARLAXLE in a 1 minute one-sided duel. SANDY BEACH handily defeated TOSSED SALAD in a 1 minute mismatched battle. SHARP STICK was beaten by INDIMAR'S FAXMACHINE in a popular 1 minute struggle. DUNNO beat JAMIS in a exciting 1 minute brawl. GROVER lost to WATER in a popular 1 minute duel. IVAN defeated QUEENIE in a 2 minute fight. VOLCANO was savagely defeated by SPED in a action packed 1 minute brutal melee. ORIGINAL SHOCKER demolished MANAGER in a 1 minute uneven battle. NERVOUS TIC was overpowered by GRAFFIX in a 1 minute brutal mismatched fight. TRUST FUND BABY was unbelievably bested by TOGS DIXIE in a 2 minute brutal contest. BUSTED NUTS overpowered M'TARL in a 1 minute one-sided match. TOGS DESPERATION was overpowered by LOTT in a 1 minute one-sided fight. PRETTY BOY was devastated by HARSIESUS in a exciting 1 minute bloody mismatched duel. DUKE was demolished by ZIGGERZAG in a 1 minute uneven match. KERRY slimly won victory over OWL-LEN-L-NER in a popular 7 minute novice's battle. CLINTON handily defeated CORTEZ in a action packed 1 minute mismatched match. ROT GUT luckily beat BLAZE in a popular 4 minute bloody novice's duel. BATTLE REPORT MOST POPULAR RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS |FIGHTING STYLE FIGHTS FIGHTING STYLE W - L - K PERCENT| |LUNGING ATTACK 35 TOTAL PARRY 151 - 126 - 1 55 | |STRIKING ATTACK 32 STRIKING ATTACK 182 - 160 - 11 53 | |TOTAL PARRY 27 WALL OF STEEL 52 - 51 - 1 50 | |BASHING ATTACK 13 LUNGING ATTACK 174 - 199 - 7 47 | |SLASHING ATTACK 12 AIMED BLOW 47 - 56 - 0 46 | |WALL OF STEEL 9 SLASHING ATTACK 70 - 90 - 7 44 | |AIMED BLOW 6 BASHING ATTACK 52 - 73 - 4 42 | |PARRY-STRIKE 4 PARRY-LUNGE 22 - 33 - 3 40 | |PARRY-LUNGE 3 PARRY-STRIKE 19 - 31 - 2 38 | |PARRY-RIPOSTE 0 PARRY-RIPOSTE 11 - 19 - 0 37 | Turn 334 was great if you Not so great if you used The fighting styles of the used the fighting styles: the fighting styles: top eleven warriors are: TOTAL PARRY 16 - 11 BASHING ATTACK 6 - 7 5 STRIKING ATTACK STRIKING ATTACK 17 - 15 WALL OF STEEL 4 - 5 2 WALL OF STEEL PARRY-STRIKE 2 - 2 LUNGING ATTACK 14 - 21 2 LUNGING ATTACK SLASHING ATTACK 6 - 6 PARRY-LUNGE 1 - 2 1 SLASHING ATTACK AIMED BLOW 1 - 5 1 PARRY-LUNGE PARRY-RIPOSTE 0 - 0 TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE FIGHTING STYLE WARRIOR W L K PNTS TEAM NAME STRIKING ATTACK GUMMI GHOUL 6411 13 4 1 122 THE UPSTARTS III (510) SLASHING ATTACK QUICKSAND 6554 16 7 1 108 NATURAL DISASTERS (159) WALL OF STEEL THORNE 5259 14 4 0 99 FA CHING (388) PARRY-LUNGE LORD OF THE O RINGS 6022 23 13 1 97 WILD CARDS (148) LUNGING ATTACK WINKER X 6470 14 12 0 93 4000 BLOWS (107) PARRY-STRIKE CYVIN 5258 12 8 1 86 FA CHING (388) TOTAL PARRY TOGS STINKER 6588 11 6 0 66 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) BASHING ATTACK BARON 6765 10 6 2 40 LOCK-OUT (368) FIGHTING STYLE WARRIOR W L K PNTS TEAM NAME Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above. The overall popularity leader is NAPPY DUGOUT 6080. The most popular warrior this turn was EDDIE THE ECHO 3770. The ten other most popular fighters were GOLDFISH 6718, BLUE BEANIE 6461, BLAZE 7155, NAMBY PAMBY 6977, KERRY 7141, WIND 5906, HELMS 6660, WEED 4 MOM 6984, OWL-LEN-L-NER 7143, and QUICKSAND 6554. The least popular fighter this week was PIKEL 5808. The other ten least popular fighters were ZERBERT 6243, PIP THE TROLL 6942, INSISTANT BEGGAR 6630, FREEP 6812, HERROL 6694, LIMPY LIMPY 7046, MISTRESS BOMBTRONIC 6617, DUKE 7090, TOGS DESPERATION 7136, and M'TARL 7138. The following warriors will travel to ADVANCED DUELMASTERS after next turn: LIGHTNING IX (60-4866) DEATH STUDS VII (301) The following warriors have traveled to ADVANCED DUELMASTERS after fighting this turn: BLACKBURST (60-5025) FA CHING (388) THUNDRA (60-5122) FA CHING (388) SIR ZESTALOT (60-6557) 4000 BLOWS (107)