Date   : 04/21/2006    Duedate: 05/04/2006


DM-60    TURN-388

This Weeks Top Honors


(60-7169) [27-5-0,110]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

FALCON XLI                     VOLMAX
(60-7341) [10-10-2,154]        (60-7592) [3-0-0,82]

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

NAPPY DUGOUT                   DERRIN
WILD CARDS (148)               WING HOVE (529)
(60-6080) [21-25-1,96]         (60-6952) [9-7-0,60]



Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. DEATH STUDS VII (301)       64
2. BIKINI BOTTOM (596)         61      SAAB STORY (389)
3. CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)      58      Unchartered Team
4. DARK TOADS (590)            58
5. SILENT WARRIORS (561)       55      BIKINI BOTTOM (596)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 0*BIKINI BOTTOM (596)        5   0  2  100   1/ 2 SILENT WARRIORS (561)    12  3 0
 2/ 0*INQUISITION SG-1 (540)     5   3  0 62.5   2/ 1*ARADI RESORT & SPA (580) 10  5 0
 3/ 0 SAAB STORY (389)         120  85  9 58.5   3/ 4*AARP (583)                9  6 0
 4/ 2*ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)  25  18  1 58.1   4/13 DEATH STUDS VII (301)     8  3 1
 5/ 3*CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)    16  12  1 57.1   5/ 9 WING HOVE (529)           7  3 0
 6/ 5 DEATH STUDS VII (301)    428 357 13 54.5   6/14 4000 BLOWS (107)          7  4 2
 7/ 4 CRAZY CREEPS (207)       498 419 15 54.3   7/ 6 RED DOG GANG (476)        6  6 0
 8/ 8 WILD CARDS (148)         731 660 30 52.6   8/ 7*THE BUNKHOUSE (595)       6  9 0
 9/23*THE BIZZLE (593)          12  11  2 52.2   9/ 0*BIKINI BOTTOM (596)       5  0 2
10/ 9 GOIN' TUBIN' (577)       117 108  6 52.0  10/18 OGRES ARE US (270)        5  5 0
11/11*AARP (583)                13  12  0 52.0  11/ 5 CRAZY CREEPS (207)        5  6 0
12/ 0 ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)   29  27  1 51.8  12/ 3*ATLAS PARK (592)          5  7 1
13/ 0 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 176 169 12 51.0  13/10*DILLIGAF LEGION (589)     5  8 0
14/ 1*PHILANTHROPISTS (594)      2   2  0 50.0  14/17*BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591)  5  8 0
15-13*BEWARE OF DOG (257)        1   1  1 50.0  15/ 0 SAAB STORY (389)          4  1 0
16-14 THIEVES GUILD (396)      169 170  6 49.9  16/11 GOIN' TUBIN' (577)        4  5 1
17/18 SILENT WARRIORS (561)     38  39  3 49.4  17/28 WILD CARDS (148)          4  6 0
18/17 WING HOVE (529)           49  51  3 49.0  18/19*THE BIZZLE (593)          4  6 0

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
19/10*ATLAS PARK (592)          13  14  1 48.1  19/15 CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)       4  7 0
20/15 OGRES ARE US (270)       150 162  2 48.1  20/ 8*DILEN'S HORDE (587)       4 11 0
21/ 0 THE MISGUIDED (559)       71  77  0 48.0  21/ 0*INQUISITION SG-1 (540)    3  2 0
22/16 4000 BLOWS (107)         616 677 30 47.6  22/ 0 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430)  3  2 0
23/19 CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)       75  85  3 46.9  23-16 THIEVES GUILD (396)       3  2 0
24/ 0 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      37  43  1 46.3  24/ 0 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      3  2 0
25/20*THE BUNKHOUSE (595)        9  11  0 45.0  25/31*DARK TOADS (590)          3  4 0
26/22 LEGALESE (449)           145 178  5 44.9  26/12*CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)    3  5 0
27/26*BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591)  12  16  2 42.9  27/23*SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586)  3  5 0
28/24 VOUGEOOT (464)            71  97  7 42.3  28/20*PHILANTHROPISTS (594)     2  2 0
29/12*DILEN'S HORDE (587)       10  15  0 40.0  29-21*COWS (588)                2  3 0
30-28*COWS (588)                 4   6  0 40.0  30/ 0 THE MISGUIDED (559)       2  3 0
31/ 0*THIRSTY THUGS (600)        2   3  0 40.0  31/ 0*THIRSTY THUGS (600)       2  3 0
32/ 0 RESCUE RANGERS (362)      11  17  0 39.3  32-24*BEWARE OF DOG (257)       1  0 1
33/29 RED DOG GANG (476)       330 535  4 38.2  33/27 VOUGEOOT (464)            1  3 1
34/27*DILLIGAF LEGION (589)      9  16  0 36.0  34/ 0 RESCUE RANGERS (362)      1  3 0
35/31*SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586)   4  10  0 28.6  35/ 0 ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)   1  4 0
36/33*DARK TOADS (590)           3   9  0 25.0  36/ 0*THINGS ILL NEVER G (601)  1  4 0
37/30*MEDICAL BIOHAZARD  (585)   3  11  0 21.4  37/22 LEGALESE (449)            1  5 0
38/ 0*THINGS ILL NEVER G (601)   1   4  0 20.0  38/26*MEDICAL BIOHAZARD  (585)  1  5 0
39-32*THE RIPPED CREW (443)      0  16  0  0.0  39/ 0*WRECKING CREW (598)       0  2 0
40/ 0*WRECKING CREW (598)        0   2  0  0.0  40-30*THE RIPPED CREW (443)     0  1 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                    TEAM SPOTLIGHT

             + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Superior Forces ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

This is for the team SUPERIOR FORCES for TOGS Turn 1!

It's that time again!  Time for Manager's TOGS Predictions and Analysis.  Which are a
little less popular than Manager's tournament predictions because no one likes being
told that they are going to be losers.  But with TOGS, the cold, hard truth is that
there can only be one winner.  Last TOGS set a record in terms of the accuracy of my
predictions, so let's see if the trend can continue here.

Teams were evaluated based on the following things:

- Basic Arena Play and Resume.  W/L records in the arenas, finishes in other
contests.  Reputation was somewhat of a factor.
- Previous TOGS history.
- Perceived ability to pay attention in the contest and getting all personal ads and
spotlights written on time.  I've tried to observe how well you've been challenging
and paying attention to your existing teams in the arena.
- And various other secret factors!

The Favorites
Soultaker & Death Stud
Analysis:  One of the teams to beat in the competition.   Death Stud is the best
basic arena manager in the game, but his ability is often hidden by his tournament
prowess.  This time, however, Death Stud won't be able to use his Dead TVs to enhance
his team....  This team's big question could be whether or not Soultaker can overcome
his WOW addiction long enough to pay attention.
Odds of Winning:  3 to 1

The Creepster & Manager
Analysis:  After a disappointing finish in TOGS III when they teamed together, the
Creepster and Manager have vowed to do it right this time.  After being the first
TOGS Champion, Manager's quest to become the first two-time TOGS winner has eluded
him.  The Creepster, of course, is a formidable basic arena specialist.  Can they
live up to their potential or are they both coasting on their reputation?
Odds of Winning:  3 to 1.

Other Contenders
Samwise the Bald & Mannequin
Analysis:  A few other managers have this team as the team to beat, but I'm
unconvinced.  Samwise has yet to have that scintillating TOGS performance that we
know he can have and Mannequin is totally unproven as an upchallenger.  They could be
dangerous, but there are some question marks.
Odds of Winning:  25 to 1

Ultraist & Jekyll
Analysis:  Undoubtedly the strongest Delarquan team ever entered in the TOGS.  Could
they be the first to challenge for the TOGS title?  This team can do it if they can
keep up the spotlights and personal ads.  That will be the biggest test for this
unproven team.   They're not exactly in their element and unused to the managerial
tendencies of most of their opponents.  They'll need to adapt quickly or develop good
scouting reports to topple the top teams.
Odds of Winning:  25 to 1

TigToad & DMobster
Analysis:  The dark horse team of the competition.  TigToad seems to have done
everything right in terms of pre-TOGS preparation and on the surface, they have the
warrior talent, managerial skill, and willpower to pull this off.   On the other
hand, both of them can be prone to apathy.  It should be interesting to see how they
Odds of Winning:  25 to 1.

Rillion & Rascally Rabbit
Analysis:  Also known as the Susan Lucci of TOGS, Rillion's teams tend to do well and
are always extremely competitive, but they don't win.  This time, Rillion has a new
partner in the controversial Rascally Rabbit.  But is it an upgrade?  Rascally has
made a few TOGS impacts in the past, but they haven't always been good.
Unfortunately, I predict more of the same for Rillion and TOGS' BOB entrant.
Odds of Winning:  75 to 1.

The Underdogs
Lord Xiang & Seraphim
Analysis:  A big challenge in a hostile environment for our two young Delarquans.
Have they bitten off more than they can chew?  Probably not.  However, I think they
might still be a few years away.   Warrior talent could be this team's biggest
problem, but I could be underestimating them.  I think they'll hang tough early
before falling to the middle of the pack.
Odds of Winning:  250 to 1.

Hombre & Ganolus Oakleaf
Analysis:  Hombre and Ganolus are teaming together for the fourth time.  After two
horrific finishes (including the last one where Ganolus left Hombre hanging) and a
TOGS Championship, this team has shown that they can finish dead last or they can win
it all.  The first three turns are going to be crucial for this team.  If they can
stay in striking distance, then the field could be in trouble, if not, look for a
total another total collapse.
Odds of Winning:  200 to 1.

Nuln & Snotman
Analysis:  If this were a spotlight and personals writing competition, they'd win the
competition hands down.  But fortunately for the rest of us, it isn't.  However, you
have to keep an eye on this team because they are dangerous.   Known for their
horrific 112-point up/bad matchup challenges to the front-running teams, this team
can be your worst nightmare if you're trying to close the gap to the top teams.
Somehow, they still manage to finish near the middle of the pack.
Odds of Winning:  500 to 1.

Farmer boB & Mission
Analysis:  You can't have a TOGS without farm animals, and you can't have farm
animals without Farmer boB.  Will Farmer boB's return to active TOGS participation be
successful?  Unfortunately I have no data on his mysterious partner.
Odds of Winning:  500 to 1.

Indimar Fallon & Cyber Punk
Analysis:  Indimar's teams in past TOGS have been competitive, so the potential is
there.  I don't have much data on Cyber Punk either.  However, naming your team after
a City of Heroes Zone screams MMORPG addict to me. (Hey, I have nothing here.)  Will
he be able to get his spotlights in on time?
Odds of Winning:  400 to 1.

Street Legal & Ghoti
Analysis:  This team has the potential to surprise, just because I think they'll get
all of their ads and spotlights in on time.  I look for them to be the opposite of
some teams.  Slow out of the gate, but will move up consistently through the duration
of the TOGS.  Ghoti did well when he teamed with Father and Street Legal improves his
play every year.
Odds of Winning:  200 to 1.

Long shots
Lady Elysian & A-Sop
Analysis:  These two lovely ladies will have their work cut out for them.  Unlike
many other TOGS teams, their weakness may be in arena play.  Namely, A-Sop doesn't
pay attention enough to bother to challenge and some of their warriors have been
losing to the fight throwers.  Still, I hear they have a discount on facials at the
Aradi Resort and Spa!
Odds of Winning:  10,000 to 1

Analysis:  WOW!  I would want TUM and LHI on my team in a tournament competition any
day of the week.  But if you asked me to come up with the worst possible pairing for
TOGS--this one would be close.  It will be a moral victory for them to finish in the
Top 10.  This team is the ultimate underdog team--something I'm not sure TUM and LHI
have experienced in a long time.
Odds of them paying their fee and both of them arriving on time for the start:  3 to
Odds of Winning:  100,000 to 1.

As always, I encourage everyone to prove me wrong.  Also, note that these odds are
odds to win, not necessarily the order I think you'll finish.  Some teams are more
likely to excel magnificently or crash and burn, while others may be steady
performers and good for a consistent third, but unlikely to win.

Good luck to everyone!


           + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Crazy Creeps et al ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     The local Aradians were in a terrific mood as they traipsed down the streets of
their town that early morning.  The smells of the town wafted through the air--the
tantalizing aroma of Scrodbucks, the airing of the climbing morning glories just
opening to the sunlight, the heavy flatulation of Lord Xiang (Delarquans do it best),
the intense man-scent of Indimar yet in the fifteenth day of the same unwashed body
and clothing....  Yep, it was Aradi at its finest.
     As they ambled towards the town center, thoughts of the upcoming Tournament Of
The Golden Scrod seemed most on their minds.  The excitement it would bring to the
city.  The extra economic value brought due to the swelling of the city with
participants and their entourages.  The influx of camp-followers from the surrounding
areas--lovely young pulchritude, hunky and testosterone-full male escorts, exotic and
tantalizing animals of all types.  (Indeed, the animals were finally returning after
a mysterious emptying of the city of all but the human race.)  Yes, indeed.  Only in
Aradi.  The townsfolk wondered, too, about the about the Ultimate Fighter
competition--won by the TOGS participant who annually had the most "RP death
scenarios".  Reincarnation of any type was revered in Aradi.
     The townspeople were beginning the bee-line to their favorite booth on this
day--the Pre TOGS Last Minute Good Stuff Sale Day.  (Commonly referred to as Golden
Dump Day).  While there were many wares on display at the town center market, The
Crazy Creeps' booth always commanded the most attention.  It was only there that the
true relics of Aradi could really be acquired.
     While the sale had barely started this Golden Dump Day, some of the better items
had already been sold at the Crazy Creeps Booth.  (To get first choice, many
Aradians, all now smelling like Indimar, began camping out on Aradi Town Square
months in advance.  With the lack of town square rest rooms, and the council's
refusal to add porta-potties or wash rooms, and lack of free deodorant, the name
Golden Dump Day was further fostered.)
     By 9 AM some of the really great items had already been bought and bartered from
The Crazy Creeps Scribe who was running the booth.  High margins had been made on A-
Sop's very first girl scout cookie box (empty) and Ultraist's old Kentucky Wildcat
cap from the great 0-12 football season.  The Aradi Chamber Of Commerce had purchased
several items for the Aradi Townsquare Museum--a set of Snotman green and pink
leggings (used), a needle which was certified to be Death Stud's first longsword, a
very large "I Love Mannequin Tee Shirt", Rillion's autographed (by Rillion) Harry
Potter Book series, Soultaker's Pony Tail (preserved to avoid rotting), and Street's
Detroit Lions Suck banner.  Business was certainly thriving at The Crazy Creeps
     When the President Of Alastari, The Honorable G.W. Bush, was escorted to the
head of the shopping line near 10AM, the pickings were getting slimmer.  "I'll take
it all." he said.  And turning to his personal assistant, Hot Hillary Clinton, he
said, "We got a government check to use?"  The Crazy Creeps Scribe stuffed it all
into several shopping bags for the Pres.  (Actually Hot Hillary, Daring Dick, and
Crafty Condi carried it for him.)  And what a collection it was:  A free pass for a
mud massage and trimmings at The Aradi Resort & Spa, a quantum algebra manual
authored and autographed by Samwise, Seraphim's Sink-The-Navy long-sleeved sweat
shirt (never worn), a quart container of beer (empty) with guaranteed Jekyll DNA, a
sealed bottle of The Crazy Creepster's favorite prune juice, a down-with-FONZ sock
cap discarded by Ganolus, Rascally Rabbit's used airline ticket stub (pre
electronic), and a pass to Farmer boB's Bovine Petting and Hugging Zoo.
     The Crazy Creeps Scribe placed the "Out Of Business" sign on the booth, waved to
the several people in the line waiting, took out her bow and arrow, and in a flash
shot and killed Ghoti, Lord Xiang, Hombre, Mission, and Cyber Punk.  Manager,
standing nearby, just laughed.  Life was back to normal in Aradi.

          + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Journey to Aradi ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                By Elements of Power

     Storm stood silently on the dock awaiting the boatman.  It had been years since
the last time the brawny gladiator had been called back to duty, to the arena.  And
as he watched the boatman slowly maneuver the small ship close enough to the dock for
him to step into it, Storm had a terrible thought.  "What if Ultraist was entering
the team into that silly ToGS contest again?"
     "A terrible thought indeed." he whispered to himself as he laid the payment for
the ride in the boatman's thin hand and situated himself on a small bench near the
port of the vessel.  The last ToGS had been an embarrassment to himself and the team.
It had been an elimination format Storm recalled and while the opposing competition
from the various other gladiator teams were lackluster at best, it was the stringent,
unusually cruel Andorian rules that proved to be the demise of "The Elements Of
Power" team.
     Well, the rules and an unruly partner team that seemed best suited to trying to
exploit loopholes in the system than actually winning duels.
     Storm let himself relax and watch the slow fog rise from the calm Delarquan
waters that surrounded his island home of Sunset.  It would be along time before he
would be able to feel at peace again if the city of Aradi was going to be anything
like it was the last time he was there.
     He shuddered as he recalled some of the atrocities he had witnessed during his
first stint in the Andorian flagship arena.  The acts committed upon fowl alone would
be enough to turn the stomach of any normal man.  And then the things some of these
Andorian managers and gladiators would do to their peers weren't natural and
certainly wasn't what the gods had intended for their crowning creations.
     "Such behavior, only in Andoria."  Storm mumbled as he pushed back the images of
chickens strapped to fence posts and a line of drunken Andorian managers lining up
behind the victimized fowl.
     "You a fighter?" the boatman asked from beneath his heavy hooded cloak as he
slowly steered the vessel with his oar.
     "Sometimes."  Storm replied as he regarded the boatman with suspicious eyes.
Fighting under the banner of Ultraist had taught Storm to be very wary of people he
didn't know.  And in these savage times, a little caution with strangers was a
     "I gave up the sword many years ago, wasn't in my blood, lad." the old man
     Giving up the sword wasn't an option for Storm.  His goal, from the very first
second that he stepped foot in an arena, was to become an immortal, a Lord Protector.
     "I never gave it up, only laid it aside for awhile, ferryman." Storm answered
and then recalled how he had begged his manager for a transfer to his Sunset team to
escape the horrors of Aradi.  In which, Ultraist wouldn't even consider allowing the
transfer, citing commission policies.  But Storm knew the real reason; Ultraist
couldn't find anyone else to do it.
     "A young, nubile lad like yourself shouldn't be wasting away in the arena,
sonny." the old man countered as he seated himself at the rear of the boat, allowing
the oar to just dangle over the foggy sea.
     Storm had always had a keen eye, which is one of the things that made him a
serviceable gladiator and team captain.  As the old man seated himself and propped
his short stubby legs up on the side of the boat, Storm had seen something move
within the old man's cloak.  And by the gods, was that a feather lying at his feet?

         + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ What's a Manager to Do? ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                         By Rillion of Demons of Darkness 2

     Well, it was that time again, the Tournament of the Golden Scrod.  Rillion sat
at his desk pondering what he was going to do this time for his series of spotlights.
The enormity of the undertaking had seemingly paralyzed him.  But the clock was
ticking, tick, tick, tick.  The spotlight was due and decisions had to be made.  Go
with a spoof as he did with Rillie Ronka and Gladiator Factory or the TOGS Wars
series or do autobiographical stories about his warriors?  Try to do a 'series' of
spotlights like he did with those two spoofs or do one offs?  Decisions, decisions.
Or perhaps just half columns of nonsensical ramblings about what to do?  Nah, that
wouldn't work.  Good for a paragraph but not a whole spotlight.  Rillion looked back
up at the clock and realized, hey, I still got some time to procrastinate, so I'll go
wander around the guildhouse for a few minutes.  And hey, why not describe it, that
would surely kill a spotlight!  Great, one spotlight done and how many more to go?
He must remember to check the rules sometime to figure out how long this thing is
going to be.
     Rillion left his office, which was on the ground floor of the guildhouse just
south off the main room.  A small foyer was on the west wall that lead outside to the
streets of Aradi, hey, maybe a spoof called 'The Streets of Aradi', nah, moving on.
Along the east wall of the main room were the cells where his golems were housed when
not fighting, training, or running about town hopefully doing something that would be
worthy of writing down in a spotlight.  The five current golems, assuming no one died
in the tournament, were Blue Beanie, the oldest of the lot, Venrek, a small golem
that so far had found about that much success, Tyvek, another golem that had done
well in previous tournaments but not been able to get past the eighth round, perhaps
he might have a bit better luck this time out, Rukgaz, who managed to TV the rookies
tournament in the Winter but not yet made his debut on the sands of Aradi, not
wanting to move up the ranks too fast before the Tournament of the Golden Scrod
started, finally the newest golem, Tyvin LXIX, who would be trying to get a TV in the
spring tournament held right before the beginning of the Tournament of the Golden
Scrod.  In fact, all but Rukgaz were going to the Spring Tournament and had been
'timed' properly for their class.  Rillion's greatest hope was that a couple of them
might TV, his greatest fear is that a couple of them might die.  But back to
describing the guildhouse so this spotlight can be wrapped up.  On the north wall of
the main room was a hallway that led to the kitchen, Rillion's bedroom, the training
room for the golems, and a bathroom.  A rather spartan guildhouse in all, but one of
the advantages of golems was that they did not require many luxuries.  As for
Rillion, he did not require much in the way of luxuries either; there were more than
enough of those to be found out and about in Aradi.

             + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Silent Warriors ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                    ODE TO TOGS V

With Spring's sure arrival,
TOGS V is finally here.
So who will take the Golden Scrod?
Stay tuned 'til the end draws near.
All eyes will sure be on Death Stud,
And Soultaker's shiny dome.
Will Snotman and Nuln have the nut sacks,
To take this Golden Scrod home?
Don't count out Rascally Rabbit,
Or Rillion's D.O.D.
And Hombre has won this contest before,
Oh yah, and his partner, me.
The Creepster and Superior Forces,
Will of course be there 'til the end.
Welcome back to Indimar Fallon,
And say hello to his new little friend.
Lord Xiang and Dilligaf Legion,
Are surely in for a treat.
A-Sop and Lady Elysian,
For a fee will take care of your feet.
Samwise the Bald and Mannequin,
Mess with them and you'll take a lickin'!
The Misguided were last seen with Farmer boB,
Messin' around with a chicken!
My Best Buds are hanging with Ogres.
Their enemies surely will cower!
And last but not least comes Jekyll,
Who's teamed with Elements Of Power.
So welcome all to Aradi,
Where animals and leggies abound.
Where anything goes, like chic peas and hoes.
Please grab a seat, stick around!

-- Ganolus Oakleaf, Silent Warriors

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

Underground Railroad hidden headquarters in boB's cellar:

     Gathered in a circle around a jug of moonshine, are three of the most feared
characters in all of Aradi.  Yep, that's right, the dreaded Farmer boB, the elusive
(so elusive no one knows who he is) Mission, and last but not least, Betsy, that's
right, the most famous bovine in all the land.  "Can you believe it!" screams Farmer
boB.  "Our mentor, our idol, the great Nuln has turned on us."
     "We have to have a plan.  There ain't no way a pansy *&^ city slicker can
outsmart the three smartest bumpkins on the farm." shouts Mission.
     "MOO!" says Betsy as she does things that should only be done outside.
     "No problem," says boB.  "I have a plan.  It's a good thing no one but us can
hear this.  But this is the plan.  Betsy, your part of the plan is to smuggle all of
the animals back into Aradi. But each night you have to sneak around the Island with
everyone you bring back and do your business in everyone's yard.  This is going to
drive them city slickers crazy!" exclaims boB.  "But most importantly, each night you
have to be sure to hit Nuln's scrod farm and squish all the little nasty batards you
can find.  This will really drive him nuts." says boB.  "He loves them nasty little
     "Mission you have the most important job of all.  I know you're good at all them
sneaky ways the military taught you, and plus no one knows who the hell you are
anyway, you lazy SOB.  Your mission, Mission, is to sneak into the Chaos Lord's
castle and poke the back stabber in the butt while he sleeps.  He hates to be stabbed
in the butt while he is sleeping.  At least, that's what I've heard," stammers a red-
faced Farmer boB.  "But never mind that, if the Chaos Lord loses sleep he loses what
little amount of sense he has."
     As boB's cohorts sneak off into the night, Farmer boB snickers to himself.  "As
soon as we break the Chaos Lord, we will start on the rest of them TOGS people.  Yup,
that's right, first the FONZ never liked them people can't figure out why my cousin
the Shaman likes um, then that crazy guy the Creepster he just gets on my nerves
somthin' wrong with that fellar, then we'll start on them Delarquan fellars they
don't seem to bad just in the wrong spot at the wrong time, and last we'll start on
them ladies their purty I got special plans for them gals." sneers boB.
     Note as the story ends Farmer boB gives the mandatory Aradi Evil laugh,

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Lord Xiang was worried.  He committed to the Tournament of the Golden Scrod with
his fellow Delarquan, Seraphim.  It seemed that he would need to open a team in
Aradi, of all places!  Another Andorian arena.  Bad enough that Aruak City was giving
him fits.  Well, to be completely honest with himself, it was actually the teams
associated with The Consortium that were making him lose sleep in THAT city.  So here
he was, in another city allied to the Andorian Code, going through the recruitment
process to make his contest commitment viable.  One thing he would NOT do was make
the same damned promise he made in Aruak City!  With a contest at stake, he wouldn't
hobble himself, but leave a full range of options open to pursuit of victory!
     The only question would be how to recruit the right warriors.  His TOGS partner,
Seraphim, was as hopelessly lost about Who's Who on this gods-forsaken island as he
was!  Not only that, but Seraphim and his team are dead set to go searching for WMDs,
regardless of the quality of intel we had for the area!  It was only blind luck that
last night's bartender had a brother who was a land broker.  As luck would have it,
the realtor is a former gladiator named TiVo.  He almost made it to the Isle himself,
but a wound that would not heal right kept him from going back for the last few
fights.  TiVo would be glad to help me out, for a minimal fee to cover his drinking
habits, er, expenses.
     Sitting outside some gods-forsaken tavern, watching the city ebb and flow, Lord
Xiang wondered if the two boys he hired to spread the word at the arena that he was
hiring had actually just taken the coins and fled.  It would not be the first time
that had happened, especially in a new city that did not know who he was.  In the
cities where Lord Xiang was established, the guildhouse itself attracted many
recruits, all searching for the glory of the arena.  He had chained himself to this
location because he had not had luck locating a suitable guildhouse.  There were
plenty of villas and mansions available for sale at the right price, but none with
the space needed to train five gladiators, not to mention the support staff they
would need.  The realtor he had commissioned to find such a location also knew to
find him here.  So he was stuck here, drinking warm beer and eating cold food.
     Lord Xiang was in the middle of lunch when the realtor arrived, smiling.  Sort
of.  It seems that a scar (he CLAIMED it is from when he was active in the arena)
crossed his mouth starting on the lower left cheek, ending just under the right eye.
His smile was nothing but bared teeth.  Kind of like when you see a snarling dog
about to attack an intruder.  The realtor believed he had found a proper location for
a guildhouse.  It seemed there was an abandoned warehouse on an inlet not far from
the city, and about the same distance to the arena.  The warehouse had its own dock,
as well.  A major plus!  Lord Xiang agreed to go view this warehouse, as he currently
had had not one interview for his fledgling team in almost a week!  Something was
better than nothing, it seemed.

           + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ TOGS V:  A New Hope ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "Man, do I need a good cup of coffee right now," thought Mannequin as he entered
Aradi's newest commercial venture, Scrodbucks.  Looking tired and worn, he took up a
spot at the end of the line of people waiting to place their orders.  He
absentmindedly studied the crowd and the shop's interior.  "They always look the
same," he thought to himself.  Funny, the same thought had come to him in regards to
other things as well.  Most recently he had come to that conclusion while search....
     "Sir, can I get a drink started for you?" asked the barista, interrupting his
     "Cafe' Aradicano, extra shot, with room, please," he responded.
     "Would you like a pastry with that?" she asked.
     "No, thank you, but I would like a copy of today's 'Aradi Free Press'," he said.
     "You will find them at the end of the bar where you pick up your drink," said
the barista as she accepted the coins he offered her and made change.
     Nodding his head in thanks, Mannequin made his way to the newspapers.  He took
the top copy and glanced at the headline, "TOGS V:  Beware the Virgin Forest!"  He
shook his head.  He didn't need to be reminded that TOGS was nearly ready to begin.
He had been busy planning his return to Aradi ever since he had accepted Samwise the
Bald's invitation to form a team.  He began by transferring his Power Brokers stable
to Dwes Eg.  They had done well enough in the last TOGS but they had been idle since
then and he didn't feel they were in a position to do well in the upcoming contest.
He spent the next two months recruiting warriors for his new stable, Lost In
Fonzlation.  He filed the necessary paperwork with the Gladiatorial Commission and
made the long journey north from his home in Mordant.  Everything seemed to be
proceeding along as planned until he arrived in Aradi.  His thoughts drifted back to
that fateful day....
     "What do you mean, 'They never showed up?" he asked the local commissioners.
     "We did receive paperwork confirming the transfer of your stable and the
assignment of your new stable," replied the official.  "However, it seems the
Commission mistakenly switched the assignments.  Lost In Fonzlation was sent to
     "TOGS is less than a month away.  What am I going to do?  I don't have enough
time to ask the Commission to correct their mistake and get my warriors here in
time," Mannequin asked, angrily.
     "I am sorry, sir.  I really am," said the official, her voice oozing with
sympathy.  "Do what the locals do.  Recruit locally."
     Easier said than done, thought Mannequin, as he accepted his drink from the
barista.  He added a shot of half-and-half to his coffee and found a comfortable
chair at a table near the window.  He spread some notes out on the table and had just
begun reviewing them when he heard someone call his name.
     "Mannequin!" said the man as he approached the table.
     It was his teammate, Samwise the Bald.  He appeared to have brought scouting
reports of his own--more than likely they were on his potential opponents rather than
potential recruits.  He set the reports on the table and seated himself in a chair
opposite Mannequin.
     "How is the recruiting going?" asked Samwise.
     "Poorly.  There are few warriors left worth enlisting.  I can probably field a
stable with one, maybe two, decent gladiators at best," Mannequin replied, showing
Samwise his notes.
     Samwise sipped the Diet Croak he had brought with him as he looked over the
reports.  "We don't have time for you to cobble a stable together as the contest
progresses.  You need a team NOW."
     "I don't know that there is one to be found locally," said Mannequin.  "I've
searched every run-down guildhouse, gymnasium, tavern, etc.  Everyone is either
signed to a guildhouse or on their replacement roster."
     Samwise smiled and handed the notes back to Mannequin.  "I think I can help.
Gather your things and follow me."
     "Where are we going?" asked Mannequin.
     "Fishing," Samwise replied as he led them out of Scrodbucks.

     A short while later the two friends were sitting in a small fishing boat off the
coast of Aradi.  Samwise was rigging a fishing pole with a sinker and a large hook as
Mannequin surveyed the ocean.
     "I'm familiar with the saying, 'Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.  Teach
a man to fish and he eats every day', but I don't see what fishing has to do with
helping me field a team," said Mannequin.  "We didn't even bring bait."
     With a mischievous gleam in his eye, Samwise said, "I have all the bait we are
going to need."  He tested the strength of his knot and then reached into his pocket.
He pulled out a small envelope and stuck it on the hook.
     "What is it?" asked Mannequin, as Samwise lowered it over the side.
     Samwise smiled, "It's an invitation to an ice cream party."

Mannequin, mgr. of Bikini Bottom

        + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Yup, It's Aradi By Ghoti ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     The 5 Ogres stood in a line next to the practice field as a shimmering opaque
body came into form before them.  First the head, then the body and arms, then the
legs came into full view.
     "Ghoti!! Your legs are on backwards!!" exclaimed Syda Hammie as Ghoti completed
his teleport from who knows where.
     Ghoti looked down to see that, sure enough, the right leg was where the left
would be and the left leg was where the right should be.  Ghoti looked up at his team
and said, "Sure would make dancing a sight now wouldn't it?" and as he was speaking
both his legs shimmered and disappeared then reformed in their correct places.  "I
guess I am out of practice."
     Ghoti walked over to each one of his team members and patted them on the back in
greeting.  "How are my favorite Ogres?" Ghoti asked.
     "NOTHING TO EAT BUT ICKY FISH!" yelled Headrock.  "Only them Chickpeas you tell
me not to eat.  They even took the Carrots cause they thought it might grow into
something that could be used for...umm what he say...umm Caranal noledge."
     "What?!" Ghoti questioned "Where are all the chickens and the two goats and,
and, and the milk cow I had ordered to be brought into the farm pens out back?"
     "They took them!" exclaimed Smirlin.
     "Who took them?" asked Ghoti.
     "City Authorities and someone lurking.  I think it was a Chaos Lord or sompin',"
said Syda Hammie.
     "I hate dem Chaos Lords." growled Hoscha. "Like dem Fuzzy managers." he added.
     "I think you mean FONZ (echo, echo, echo?)." said Ghoti.
     Smirlin asked, "Why do your voice echo like that when you say F--"
     "STOP!" Ghoti cut in, "Don't say that four letter 'F' word and we should be OK."
As he said that, he raised an eyebrow as if he wasn't sure.
     "Are we up to 31 lines yet?" asked Hoscha.
     "No." Ghoti answered.
     Ghoti asked, "Why are you so quiet, Loukmad?"
     "Because you sent us all to the tourney and we could all be dead.  Time being
rather weird here in Aradi.  This discussion and story-line could be moot as any one
or all of us may actually be dead...well 'cept Headrock..-did you hear he got his
invite?" was Loukmad's answer.
     "Yes, I did hear that, congrats to you, Headrock." said Ghoti.  Headrock just
     "Well, pick up all this stinky fish and put it on ice." ordered Ghoti.
     "Can we just herd them into a corral?" asked Headrock.  "Some of them are still
moving and besides they took all the ice too!"
     Ghoti gasped, "They took all the ice?  It is really gonna start stinking around
here.  Has anyone checked to see if any of the other managers' livestock has been
     "Yup!" they answered in Ogre chorus.
     "Farmer boB has been walking around town kicking the fish all over.  He is
pretty upset." added Hoscha.
     "I am going to head over to see our teammate Street Legal and see if we can't
come up with a plan to find our animals.  He must be having the same problem." said
Ghoti.  "I am going to find my behavior altering amulet too, and wander around town.
I will find who is the cause of this problem.  Headrock!  Go and cook up a barrel of
those chickpeas you got from Sentinel.  Feed em to Ganolus and Hombre as a bribe to
find out if they know who is behind it.  I know they didn't do it cause they don't
have that kind of chutzpa."
     Headrock asked, "Can I have a couple of bowls of them chickpeas if I am going to
cook them?"
     "No." said Ghoti.  "And the reason is that Sentinel has been selling them under
false pretenses."  Lowering his voice to a whisper he leaned to Headrock and said,
"They are really chicken poopies."
     Headrock stood up in apparent disbelief.  He puckered his lips and puffed his
cheeks, then turned an amazing color of lime green as he ran off towards the kitchen.

            + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ A Column of Smoke ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     A huge cloud of smoke wafted over the city island of Aradi.  A large commotion
broke out in the streets as many poured forth to talk and speculate as to what might
be occurring.  It was even whispered by some older city folk that perhaps the ghost
of Zylleix, the dragon who once called the island home, might have returned.  Or
perhaps even some of his spawn or kin had come looking for him.   The cloud was
enormous, nearly blocking out the sun entirely.  The arenamaster, left briefly in
charge as the city elders were meeting with nearby heads of state, was a bit uneasy
so a call was put forth to both warrior and firefighter alike to seek out the source
of the cloud.
     This column of men, and several women, marched toward the eastern end of the
island, where the smoke seemed to be emanating from.  It was indeed difficult to tell
at this point as the cloud seemed to be all encompassing.  As they approached a row
of guildhouses they noticed one in particular that seemed to be the source of all
this commotion.
     "Oh good lord!" one exclaimed as they grew close, "that's My Best Buds 2's
guildhouse.  It has been abandoned for the better part of the last two years.
Perhaps some fool has gone to raze it to the ground."  The clank of the warriors'
armor as they moved into position, forming a fire line, must have alerted the
guildhouse members to their presence because heads began to poke forth from windows
and front doors flung open.  "It's about time someone finally came to do something
about this horrible situation," one warrior bellowed out a window of his guildhouse.
Many shouts of support thundered forth from those who had gathered outside.  Others
laughed and snickered, as if they knew something.
     There were huge plumes of smoke belching forth from the upper windows of the
guildhouse, but as the firefighters ringed the house they saw no sign of fire.  "What
the hell is going on here? " one firefighter questioned.  "It could be magic fire or
a spell gone horribly wrong," cried another.  The fire captain in charge of this
campaign seemed perplexed by the odor that the smoke gave off.  "This is indeed not a
fire as I am familiar with," he proclaimed, "seems to me we are dealing with
something else here."  Whatever the cause, something had to be done because a large
crowd had now gathered in the narrow streets of this particular section of town.
     The fire captain sent men to the neighboring buildings to inform their
inhabitants that they believed this was not a fire and that there need not be cause
for alarm.  More than likely this did not assuage everyone's fears.  The fire
captain, flanked by two particularly large warriors, approached the great doors of
the guildhouse and grabbed hold of one of the gargoyle shaped knockers.  He swung it
back and forth, slamming it into the heavy oak doors with a thundering clatter.
     Footsteps could be heard approaching the door and the two warriors unsheathed
their swords.  One can never be to careful, you know.  A loud clang could be heard
from behind the door.  The sound of metal on stone followed by smaller scraping
noises and what sounded like a laugh.  The laugh persisted as a brief moment of
silence came to replace the commotion from behind the door.  The three standing at
the door looked at each other puzzled.  When was someone going to open the door?
They surely had heard somebody coming to answer their knock.  And what was with all
that smoke; better yet what was all that smoke?
     The fire chief was about to order that the door be knocked from its hinges to
gain entry when the laughing arose again.  There was also a stammering voice from
which they could only make out a few words, "I've fallen and I can't get up...."  A
second voice called from further away, "You fool what if it's Street Legal and he's
lost his keys?  He's going to be PISSED!  I'll get the door, you bumbling idiot."
The fire captain nodded to his two bodyguards, "Finally," he thought, "we will get
some answers!"  He waited patiently as a second set of footsteps was heard
approaching the door followed by the loud, "SLAP!" of unmistakable flesh on flesh....

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Rascally Rabbit sat at his desk in the "Loony Toons" Guildhouse in Chimlevtal.
Four years ago he had retired from the chaos that was once called Duelmasters, and
was now called Duel2???  What kind of name is Duel2 anyway?  It sounded like
something that came out of a crakerjack box (what's a crackerjack box?) or something
similar.  Now here he was four years later trying to re-piece his managerial career.
To start with he would have to decide which teams to reactivate, and after that he
would have to find warriors.  Chances were that most of his old guys had jumped ship
to more prosperous teams.  So which teams would be the best to re-activate?  He
thought about it for a short time, and decided it would be best to go back to his
roots as much as possible.  So the obvious first choice was "Loony Toons" here in
Chimlevtal since they were his original team.  The next team to be activated was
"Pieces of Eight" in Fratsfa; they were his seconded team created, and the first team
he had formed at a tourney.  Team number three to be activated would be "The
Willburys 77" from Illis.  After that the last two arenas to activate came to mind
with ease, "The Willburys 78" in Lin Tirian, and any team in Dwes Eg that still had a
decent warrior hanging on after all this time.  Once the teams were settled, it was
time to review the rolls and see just how viable each team was in its current state.
     Chimlevtal looked to be in fairly decent shape, only missing one warrior.
Buster Bunny was the oldest of the group, Taz was a very promising warrior in one of
RR's favorite styles, Sylvester was another solid warrior that would win more than he
lost as long as RR kept him focused, that left Noisey Kricket as RR's project on this
team.  All in all, a nice team able to bolster a manager's record and bring many
accolades during the process.
     Fratsfa also looked extremely solid, with Salvation topping the list of golden
oldies in the Pieces of Eight stable.  Blackbeard came next with a 50% kill ratio
(very nice, all things considered).  Henry Morgan also looked very good as an arena
warrior.  The last two unfortunately were probably going to be tourney babies at some
point, but it couldn't be helped.  Captain Crunch already had a Tournament Victor
under his belt, and Jack Sparrow was due any tourney now.
     Illis looked even better than Chimlevtal or Fratsfa.  RR scratched his head and
wondered aloud, "I must have been better than I thought I was, if I have teams like
this just laying around???"  Mad Max had been named in honor of one of the members of
his alliance and was just as good as the manager.  (C)ee (J)ay was the twin brother
of (J)ay (C)ee and just as good.  One Two Many was...well all that really needs to be
said is that he was part of RR's barbershop quartet.  Punch Drunk at 5-2-0 was
another solid warrior.  All that was needed was one replacement warrior to make this
his second best team.
     Lin Tirian, now this was the team all managers wanted.  Every warrior was an
elite representative of their respective styles, and they were anything but
unforgettable.  Unbelievable was just that.  Unstoppable crushed other warriors
between his twin shields.  Unreliable rarely lost.  Untouchable was unbelievable to
behold.  Last and definitely the most memorable of all was Unforgettable with two
Tournament Victors, one of which was a final four; he was amazing.
     Dwes Eg, any manager worth his salt knew about this arena, this was where you
sent you godlings to gain some seasoning before the tournaments.  His list of
warriors here included such honored names as Resolution, Reservation, Sharpshooter,
Keeps on Ticking, Won Mean Kat, Evil Elmo, Dilligaf, Tripwire, Standley, Curious
George, Rascally Moose, Tanker Truck, Samwise (what a joke), Kelsey, The Willbury,
Rambling Rabbit, Noillir, Full Metal Jacket, Nolaj, Lame Dwayne, Blackwind, Cheese
Steak, Token Scum, Fallen Saint, Fallen Angel, Red Rhino, Mother Mouse, Tuba,
Trombone, Leon, Outdrink Guardian, Befriend Yoder, WTF, Dream Weaver, Cute, Yes!
Yes!! Yes!!!, Fonz, Bob, Dark Circle, Rio, Blues Brothers, and many, many more.
     As he sat there he thought to himself, "Not as bad as I thought it would be.
The summer tourney should be a lot of fun, especially after I drop 20+ former TVs in
the Champions class.  As he started to file his records, a scribe rushed in waving a
parchment, and shouting something about smog in Aradi.  Why would I even worry about
Smog in Aradi RR wondered to himself?  He wasn't that great of a warrior, and he's
even worse as a manager.  Then he started to read the paper that was thrust into his
face and a smile began to form.  :)  TOGS was coming to Aradi!!!  He reached into his
files and pulled out a number of folders.  If he remembered correctly, he currently
had two teams in Aradi, he had actually been sitting on them waiting for another TOGS
when he decided to retire.  Obviously he would run Saab Story in the actual contest,
but during the prep prior to the festivities he could use The Willburys 37 to
decimate one of his most hated foes, Ganolus Oakcreep.  Falkynor would be perfect for
the job, and by the time he was finished hopefully the Ganolus' team would be short a
couple of key players.  Saab Story had Waragen, Sonett, and two new kids to provide
some key wins, and a fifth warrior should be easy to find.  Now all he needed to do
was find a partner?  If all else failed he could always get TomBoy to manage The
Willburys 37, but someone would cry (probably Ganolus, you know he really didn't
deserve that TOGS he won through a technicality, but this time if I have to I'll take
him down with me).  Hmmm....I wonder who I can get to ghostwrite for me this time

     + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Excerpts from Indimar's Journal ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     It feels so good to be back after such a long time away.  I guess I didn't
realize just how much I missed Alastari.  I love the feel of a sword on my hip again.
I hate having to settle for carrying a couple of hidden blades in my home world, not
that I plan on getting rid of them, it's just nice to wear some steel openly.
     Looks like it was a good idea to stop here in Valamantis instead of popping
straight back to Aradi.  My stable here is not in great shape.  I have only four
fighters here and try as I might I can't find any trace of having hired a
replacement.  After I get things going in Aradi I should come back, this arena is
just ripe for the picking.  Even Pauly could take it over.  No, that's just crazy, no
arena is that weak.
     Sleeping under the stars is great!  Feeling a little stiff and sore from my
first day in the saddle but I am sure I will work out the kinks by the time I reach
     Thank God for a hot bath and a warm bed.  If I had to sleep on the ground one
more night I think I would weep like a schoolgirl.  Maybe riding cross country was
not such a great idea, after all I am not as young as I used to be.  I think I'll
find traveling by coach from Zensu to the coast a more pleasant experience.  Tomorrow
will be soon enough to look in on my team here.
     What a mess.  At least the jerks in Valamantis pretended to continue training
while they laid around on my payroll eating my food for the last two years.  The bums
here in Zensu gave up that act long ago.  I would wager none of them has lifted
anything heavier than a tankard of ale for quite some time.  I can't imagine what I
will find when I get to Aradi.  Plenty of time to worry about that on my way there.
Best to just relax and enjoy my coach ride to the coast.  At least I won't have to
spend one more minute on that damn bony horse.
     I really miss my horse.  It's bad enough that the coach is a torture rack, but
spending each agonizing hour wedged in with five other sweaty people is too much.
One guy had the whiskey sweats so bad it made me want to gag.  The accommodations at
this coach stop are not exactly five star.  Dinner was some kind of greasy meat,
maybe mutton, and some watery soup with some stringy vegetables and what appeared to
be some of the greasy mutton floating in it.  At least it will only be another day
and a half to the coast and then I can climb out of this box.  I can hardly wait to
be at sea.  I better head for bed, it looks like we have to double up and I don't
want to get stuck with Mr. Whiskeysweats.
     Is there any way to travel in this world that doesn't suck?  I have been sick as
a dog since an hour after we set sail.  I had forgotten how rough these northern
waters can be.  The captain said we may be in for a storm tomorrow.  At least I don't
have anything left to throw up.
     The strangest thing happened earlier.  On my way back to my cabin after a chum
run I ran into Elephant in the passageway and he was acting crazy.  He acted like he
didn't know who I was and said his name was Cyberpunk.  He claims that he is
Elephant's cousin and that Elephant sent him to be my partner for TOGS.  No matter
how I press him he sticks to his story.  Maybe the little guy took a blow to the head
or had some kind of traumatic experience.  Whatever the case may be, it has certainly
scrambled the little bit he had going on upstairs.
     What have I gotten myself into?  I am about to enter TOGS with a team that
hasn't stepped on the sands in two years and a partner who is apparently lost his
grip on reality.  Oh well, at least it won't be boring.  Who knows, maybe this stable
will be in better shape than the others.  And if the crazy little guy wants to be
called Cyberpunk it's no skin off my nose.  Barnabas is in Aradi too.  I bet he would
help me out with some friendly, no risk, warm up fights.  Maybe things will be o.k.
after all.
     Enough writing for tonight.  I better head for the rail, I may have been wrong
about that nothing left to throw up thing.
     Just one last note as I stand on deck waiting my turn to disembark.  Looking out
over Aradi I am swept into a flurry of memories of the last time I came here to chase
the golden scrod.  Some good, some bad, some just really, really strange.

        + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Tip Toe Through the Arena ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

Cyberpunk and Boston Terrier are sitting in a local pub sipping some of Aradi's
finest wine and ale.

     "Well, we finally made it here to Aradi.  This is a very long way from Atlas
Park.  There's a curfew tonight because tomorrow is a big day.  Boston, that means
you, I don't want you out all night chasing cats."
     "Oh, ah what kinda cats, bossman?"
     "Either kind!"
     "Okey dokey."
     "I'm off to see that Indimar character."
     "You haven't met him yet?"
     "No, why, have you?"
     "Yes, today at the Scrodbucks shop.  He was out front playing his ukulele."
     "Yes, ukulele."
     "Like Jack Johnson."
     "Well you got the first part right, he looked like a Jack alright, but not Jack
     "Wonderful, just wonderful.  You, lights out.  I'm gonna go see this ukulele
playing teammate of ours."

     Cyberpunk exits the pub and makes his way towards the home where Indimar is
suppose to be staying.  Boston Terrier, on the other hand orders another round and
invites a few ladies to his table.  He toasts his manager and laughs out loud.
Cyberpunk finally makes it to the home on the east side of Aradi.  As Cyberpunk makes
his way up to the home, sounds of a ukulele can be heard through the walls.  As he
goes to knock a voice can be heard accompanying the ukulele.  The voice is a very
high pitch and very out of tune.
          "Tiptoe through the window
          By the window, that is where I'll be
          Come tiptoe through the tulips with me."
     Cyberpunk doesn't know if he should knock or run.  Finally he builds up his
nerve and...knocks on door.
     "Hello, anybody home?"
     "Yes, just a moment."  A large man holding a ukulele opens the door.
     "I'm looking for Indimar."
     "That would be me."
     "Great, I'm Cyberpunk, your partner.  You scared me there for a moment, I
thought Tiny Tim was going to open the door."
     "Well, he did, kinda."
     "What exactly do you mean by that?"
     "Well, I'm not the famous Tiny Tim, but my day job is playing Tiny Tim covers.
When I'm not performing, I manage warriors here in Aradi."
     "Indimar, there's an old saying that goes 'Don't quit your day job.'  Trust me,
you are the exception to this, you should quit immediately."
     "You are wrong, Cyberboy!!  I'm very good.  I opened for William Hung last
     "William Hung?"
     "Yes, William Hung from American Idol."
     "Right, ok enough of you and your music career.  Are you ready to go over strats
and challenges?"
     "Sure, let me put my ukulele away.  You want some coffee?  I own the local
Scrodbucks here in town you know."
     "No thanks, I don't drink caffeine.  Caffeine makes me nervous."
     "You don't seem like the managing type.  Why are you here?"
     "I ask myself the same question daily."
     "Where's Elephant?"
     "Elephant isn't allowed in Aradi because he's part of the Stagor Alliance."
     "Stagor Alliance?  I think I've heard that before."
     "Ever hear of a fellow called Eureka?"
     "No, I haven't."
     "Elephant said you'd probably know Eureka."
     "Doesn't ring any bells."
     "Eureka used to run with the Regan Bros., Little Head Knox, Dirty Dyess, and
Bobby Fischer.  And no not Bobby Fischer the chess player."
     "Still no bells ringing."
     "Well, you probably haven't heard of the Stagor Alliance then."
     "What were we talking about again?"
     "I don't know.  What else you have to drink besides coffee?"
     "Crown Royal work?"
     "We'll deal with the strats and challenges next turn."
     "Thanks Tiny Indimar, I mean Tim Fallon, I mean Sir Indimar Fallon."
     "No problem Cyber Elepunk."
     "Here's to not flaking on turns and spots."
     "To not flaking on turns and spots."
     "Aren't you suppose to toast then say cheers?"
     "Not sure."

The above spot was brought you by Atlas Park.  Though Indimar would like to claim it
as his own, parts of Tiny Tim's "Tip Toe Through Tulips" were used in this spotlight.
Good luck to all of you that aren't fighting Winghove or Altas Park this turn.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     The leader of the free world was in a bit of a tiff.  Randomly picking up and
tossing items out the top window of the off-white house, he was using the cries of
surprise and dismay from below to lighten his spirits.  Not that it mattered to him,
as leader no one was going to punish him for littering, or destruction of property,
or even dropping some random metal paperweight onto the heads of unsuspecting
passersby.  He was irritated because unlike his predecessor he hadn't been getting
any lately.
     A knock on his office door quickly preceded his top aid Condi.  "Our men have
found a source, sir".  Standing up the leader let out a cheer, his bad luck was about
to change.  "You found my WMD's?  Where?"  Walking over to a pull down map, Condi
pointed to a small area called Aradi.  "Here." she said.  "Located not too far from
the Aradi capital in the Aradi desert.  We have confirmation that there is a huge
stockpile of WMD's there."
     Jumping from his desk the leader ran for the closet and grabbed out a duffel
bag.  "Here have someone pack this for me, and swing by my ranch and feed my fish."
     Grabbing the duffel, Condi cleared her throat, "You should know G Dubyah, that
if you're going to do this you'll need someone with experience on the team.  I have
someone in mind, and I've taken the liberty of calling him and his wife over to the
off-whitehouse to meet with us."
     Looking at his top advisor G Dubyah frowned.  "Him and his wife?  We're off
hunting WMD's, I don't want any women with me; they'll just slow me down."
     Shaking her head Condi pulled a file out of her case and began to read through
it.  "For one I'm a woman--"
     G Dubyah interrupted, "Not really, you sleep with anyone; that's more like a
guy.  Besides you're the best man I've got."
     Condi glanced up at the leader and continued, "--and secondly I seriously doubt
this man's wife will slow us down, there was a rumor going around a few years ago
that mentioned she liked WMD's as much as the rest of us."
     G Dubyah walked over to his desk drawer and was sorting through it trying to
find a tie that suited his best cowboy hat.  "Well, do whatever you want to Condi,
you usually get your way in the end anyway and I'm tired of losing thumb war every
time we have a debate."
     Nodding as if it had all been taken care of anyway Condi pulled out another
folder.  "Sir, you're going to have to name this operation.  It should be something
that inspires the troops to the greatest glory."
     shrugging his shoulders, G Dubya held up a blue tie with a pistol tie tack.  "I
don't want any troops, these WMD's are all for me, and why do I have to come up with
the name, you do it."
     Condi pulled out a pen and tested it on the outside of the folder, immediately
tossing it and pulling out another.  "You have to name it because you're the leader."
     Stomping his feet, G Dubyah walked over and flounced into his chair making kiddy
noises.  "I'm the leader, I'm the leader, I'm the leader; that's your response to
     Nodding in agreement, Condi just looked up and asked, "Name?"
     Crossing his arms over his chest G Dubyah decided he wanted to play this one
out.  With a smile he looked at her and said, "Does It Look Like I Give A Fu--"
      A knock on the door interrupted him.  Immediately after the knock entered a man
and a woman.  Condi finished writing and looked up, "Ohh good, it looks like Clinton
and Hillary are here.  Now we can begin our search."
     Clinton looked over at G Dubyah, "Search for what?"
     "What the heck are WMD's." Clinton asked
     Hillary stepped over to Condi.  "You should be an expert on those.  Everyone
knows they stand for WOMEN with MASSIVE DUMDUMS.
     <To be continued>
     <<Disclaimer -- All names and events in this story are completely fictional and
fictitious.  Any similarities or associations with any real people was completely
coincidental and should not be considered relevant to real life people or

             + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Clone Wars ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                    Part Zero 2.0

(Andorak, more than a week ago:)

     "And so, ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, it is only just, nay, it is only
fair that we grant the wishes of the proud people of Aradi, and in so doing pass into
the law my referendum, which, among other things, declares that the Official Animal
of our island brethren shall be none other than the skilled & industrious Scrod!"
Nuln pounded the slanted podium before him for emphasis, gauging the response from
the gallery surrounding him.
     Lady Elysian's dainty underchin dropped from her hand where it was propped to
keep her from falling asleep as she listened to the boring monotones of the Andorian
Senate.  She had only come at Nuln's insistence, but he was being his usual annoying
secretive self and wouldn't tell her more than this was his first step in his
elaborate scheme to trap the villain after his Clone secret.  She listened
incredulously to Nuln's speech.  She noticed that Nuln had seen her nearly fall out
of her seat and had almost burst out laughing, but he was able to keep his composure
as he finished with a sonorous "Thank you."
     She listened to the mild applause that greeted the Duke of Woodfell as he walked
back to his box where she was also seated.  Lady Elysian's attention piqued when she
saw the subtle exchange between Nuln and the leonine beauty of the Aruaki Senator,
Purina Minxalot located across the gallery.
     "Oh, wonderful, more political twists and turns," muttered Lady Elysian.  Once
Nuln took his seat, he nearly jumped out of it again at his friend's sharp elbow in
his ribs.  "You are nuts!  Did you know that?!  What are you doing?!!"
     "No worries, my dear Lady E," Nuln smiled knowingly.  "I know exactly what I'm
     "Yeah, sure...you're making yourself the target for every Aradi pet owner.
You're making yourself some bad enemies when they find out you're behind this new
Scrod law."
     "But it wasn't me, my dear Lady E, it was the proud people of Aradi who signed
the referendum unanimously.  Even you signed it." Nuln smiled smugly.
     "I never signed such a ridiculous petition," Lady E said, then her dainty jaw
dropped again when she saw her signature on the list of signatures under the

(Aradi, more than a week later)

     Hearing the wailing and yelling of the night's round-up, Lady E rubbed her
pounding forehead.  Her husband rubbed her tense shoulders.
     "Don't worry, my love, I have ensured that no animals shall be hurt.  We are
just taking them temporarily to Inigo's family ranch in Aruak City until Nuln's plan
comes to fruition, then all shall be returned to everyone safely.  We cannot let this
villain get away from us again, or you will never be safe."
     "I know," whispered Lady E.  "It's just that I'm not sure if I can keep on
acting nonchalant when my friends are so upset over their animals while we wait for
the plan to unfold.  And I really did want to get a mini manx cat but that will have
to wait now."
     "Later, love...come on, let me give you a soothing massage to ease your
headache," he smiled.
     "Hmmm... sounds good.  What are you going to charge me?"
     Her lord whispered in her ear.  Lady E laughed with delight.  "You've got a

(Aradi the morning at the docks after the night round-up)

     It was early, but the normally empty piers were packed to the gills.  Wide lanes
had been cordoned off leading up to the fleet of Andorian cargo ships docked there.
Inside the heavily roped barriers streamed a long, seemingly unending line of animals
of the two, three and four-legged variety.  An anonymous tip had alerted the mayor's
office of the possible surly crowd that might show up at the docks, and the garrison
was out in full force.
     There were many notables among those witnessing the grand exodus.  The Creepster
wailed plaintively as his former pet ostrich, Ethel, was led in shackles to the boat.
Others, like the Death Stud, bore their losses with more stoicism.  He watched
silently as Big Red, his rooster on steroids made his way down the line, but the
manager's eyes told a different story.
     A few blocks away, on a perch atop a nondescript warehouse, two figures watched
the proceedings with a bit more perspective.
     "You are too mean, Nuln," grinned Lady Elysian, getting a giggle out of the
massive outpouring of emotion being displayed below her.  "So no more animals at all
on Aradi?"
     "None that walk on legs at least.  All farmers and pet-owners however were
compensated, pound-for-pound, with live scrod and scrod tanks."
     "What if I want to get a kitty cat?"
     "For your own safety, and perhaps more importantly the cat's, that is now
prohibited."  Nuln replied. "I told you, from now on the only legal domesticated
animal allowed within the city limits is the courageous and industrious scrod.  And
just in time for the TOGS, too."
     "A fish in a bowl?  How dull." Lady Elysian fake pouted, sticking out her bottom
lip.  "I'll have to see what the price of black-market cat is!"
     "Ah, you just don't see the full potential of all that is the mighty scrod."
Nuln rhapsodized, Lady E shooting him a look.  "Such a subtle creature, that thrives
despite its horrible name.  And you can't beat deep-fried scrod-balls.  They're all
the rage during TOGS."
     "Well, I'm bored." Elysian turned away from the docks.  "Can we go back
     Nuln looked once more at the scene down on the docks, then motioned to the
staircase, following his fellow manager down the steps.  The two entered the main
floor of the warehouse, the dimly lit room filled with man-sized objects draped over
with dark cloth.
     Lady Elysian grabbed the hem of one of one of the cloths, and pulled it free.
Standing before them was an exact perfect replica of Nuln, helm, underchin and all.
The two managers smiled at each other.
     "You know," Lady Elysian mused, scratching her dainty underchin.  "If anyone
else found out about this, especially considering what's going on out there, they
might be very desperate to get their hands on your technology.  Be careful, my
     Nuln nodded, then flicked his fingers surreptitiously in a complicated pattern
and a blue nimbus flared out like a ripple in a pond.  "Okay, now we can talk.
Elyssa, I know you don't like my plan but it's truly necessary.  I don't really like
causing our friends pain either but we need to get all the animals off the island so
they are not used by our enemy in vile experiments.  I fed our enemy some information
about the cloning to flush out the traitor in our midst, but to make the villain take
the bait, I had to actually give some pertinent tidbits so he would use it.  I have
caught the traitor and have taken care of him, but now our enemy has some useful
information that he wants to test.  Both of us need to be very careful.  I know he is
going to try to take one of us to test as well."
     Lady E. smiled grimly.  "Yes, I know.  I have bodyguards for my bodyguards.
Thanks for the reminder.  Don't worry, I'll be careful.  But you need to be more
careful than me, my dear Nuln.  You know more than I do, remember."

(Later that evening on the day of the animals sailing away)

     Nuln flopped down in his bed, using one foot to get a boot off of the other.  He
had stayed away from much of the hysteria that had continued throughout the rest of
the day, repairing to his estate to take care of some interviews for the empty
position on his team.  There had been a few bright prospects, but no one that had
truly grabbed his attention.  The Chaos Lord could feel the pull of sleep dragging
his eyelids down and his consciousness along with it.  Then all of a sudden he heard
it.  Laying perfectly still, Nuln took in the absolute silence that covered the dead
of night.
     His peace, however was disturbed, quite rudely I might add.  Nuln lurched up,
his face stricken with terror and rage.  He listened again, his ears disbelieving,
mind racing.  Then he heard it again:
     Somewhere, off in the night, a dog howled.
     "Lord Nuln!  Lord Nuln!" Dr. Chim Richalds broke in the door to his manager's
bedroom, his blue gloves red with blood from his unauthorized night surgeries.  "A
messenger from Lady E insists on talking with you.  Are you all right?  You're
looking a bit peaked."  The doctor put out a bloody gloved hand to check Nuln's
     Nuln quickly backed away in disgust.  His fear for the howling dog which he
realized was his own purebred pet snotling hound, Fifi (registered name
FeeFieFoeFum), momentarily forgotten.  Nuln thought he had sent her safely with all
the other animals.  That damned villain must have kidnapped her!
     Inigo, Lady E's swordsman extraordinaire, came through the door quickly, also
backing away the bloody gloved Dr. Richalds.  He turned to the Chaos Lord who was
hurriedly dressing to rescue his pooch.
     "My Lord Nuln, no need to worry.  Lady Elysian has rescued your, um, Fifi, and
your pet is safely on her way to join the other animals.  My Lady E got a tip just an
hour ago and didn't have time to come get you, but she sent me to assure you of your
pet's safety."
     Nuln sat down shakily, so relieved to hear this news.  "Please tell Lady E that
I am eternally grateful, and I will see her tomorrow to give her my thanks in
     Inigo, an Aruaki, bowed low and smiled.  "I shall do so immediately.  Good
sleep, my Lord Nuln.  Um, but before I do, sir, my cousin Purina, also wanted me to
remind you that she is still awaiting her shipment of your illustrious, industrious
Scrod.  I can tell you, my lord, that my cousin is not endowed with the virtue of
patience and would highly recommend you to make sure her Scrod arrives very soon."
     Nuln nodded.  "Please assure your cousin that her shipment is already on its
way.  I would never keep such a lovely lady waiting."
     Once everyone left, Nuln again prepared for bed.  That villain would pay for
trying to use his pet for his nefarious experiment!!  The game was definitely afoot.

             + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Upright Man ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     The Upright Man smiled.  Life was good.  Sure he and Suave were going to get
annihilated by Mordant's Tennis team after school today, but who cared?  He'd get to
gawk at that cute girl with the shiny blue leggings that left nothing to the
imagination.  And Suave would almost certainly drill Mordant's star player in the
crotch at least once during the match.  That was worth a defeat any day.
     Even better, there were the duels to look forward to tomorrow.  It was a big
responsibility, managing five gladiators.  They weren't superstars, but they showed
some promise.  Especially the Bashers.  Yeah, Bashers were the way to go.  The only
trouble was that TUM found himself longing for more combat.  Didn't he read somewhere
that a manager could take on more than one stable of warriors if they wished?  He
scratched his smooth chin, ran a hand through his gray-free hair.  That might be
biting off more than he could chew, though.
     What on earth was that?  Oh well, nothing worth worrying about now.  A dog
walked by.  "Hi, TUM," it said.
     "Hello, Dog."
     "Nice day for a duel, eh?"
     "That's tomorrow, Dog."  TUM hesitated.  Dogs couldn't talk.  He looked back
down.  The dog was gone.
     "Oh well," he said to the air.  "No big deal.  I'll just fly off to the tennis
courts with these rainbow-colored wings I seem to have grown."  Off he went into the
wild blue yonder.
     TUM opened his eyes.  He scratched his stubbly chin and shoved some random
strands of grey hair out of his eyes.  What had he been dreaming about?  Happier
times, he thought vaguely.
     "TUM?  Yo!  TUUUUM!  You in there?"
     TUM staggered to the door, knees popping all the way.  LHI was on the other
side.  "Sorry if I woke you, but I figured we might want to go over any last minute
plans regarding TOGS."
     TUM's dumbfounded expression spoke volumes.  "You forgot, didn't you?"  LHI
remained remarkably polite, for the circumstances.
     "I...uh...I...err...no, of course not.  I was just thinking about what squad to
     "You were just sleeping."
     "That's when I do my best thinking."
     "Uh-huh.  Well, it's a good thing you're in Dwes Eg, so at least you have all
your stables to choose from."
     "How did you know I'd be here?"
     "You're always here...do you actually run anywhere else?"
     TUM ignored that.  Deep in his stomach, a small, hard seed of anxiety was
forming.  Did he have any stables he could use?  "Listen, LHI, I've gotta run.  We
can strategize a bit later."  TUM trotted out the door, past his partner.  LHI said
something but TUM was too absorbed in the acidity of his panic to hear it.  "Gotta
find a stable that won't embarrass me," he muttered.  He jogged past a dog.  It
didn't talk.
     Ten minutes later he was entering TUMVille, his pet name for all his stable
houses.  Row after row of the small, dilapidated huts filled his vision, running
beyond the horizon.  "Wow, I've got a lot of teams."  He made his way to TUMVille
Square.  It had been a while, but the last time he was here that was the center of
town, and warriors tended to congregate there.
     Most of the warriors were a disappointment.  They were all amazingly tall and
strong.  And clumsy.  And stupid.  He walked up to a random warrior.  "Hi.  I'm TUM,
your, um, manager.  What's your name?"
     "Names X.  I'm a Basher."
     "X?  Really?"  TUM moved on.  The next several responses were not any more
     "I'm X."
     "I'm Y, X's teammate."
     "My name is 1."
     "I'm C."
     A commotion from behind him drew TUM's attention.  A bruised and battered crowd
of warriors shambled into the Square.  TUM recognized a few of them.  "You there.
You look familiar.  What's your name?"
     "Drat.  You've managed me for 15 years."
     "Oh.  Yes, of course.  Where are you all coming from?"
     "The tourney."
     "Really?  How'd we do?"
     "Never mind.  Listen.  Did I think to send any rookies?"
     "A few.  They're that bloody bunch behind us."
     "Excellent."  TUM made his way down to his rookies.
     "Ahem.  Everyone, I just wanted to congratulate you all on a job well done at
the tourney."
     "You don't even know how we did yet."
     "Yes, well I'm sure you were all terrific."  TUM glanced over the rookies.
"None of you happen to be teammates, do you?"
     "We all are, silly." replied a particularly battered rookie.  "We work for you."
     "No, no.  I mean are any of you from the same stable?"
     Blank stares.
     "You know, you know.  Are any of you from a group of five warriors that fight
together as a team?"
     "People do that?"
     With a howl of exasperation, TUM snatched the results document from a random
rookie and scanned the names.  "You.  And you.  And you.  You're all on the same
     "We are?"
     "Yes.  Come on.  TUM led the three of them back through TUMVille (picking up two
random guys named X along the way) and over to the Dwes Eg carriage stop.  They
arrived at Aradi soon after.
     Manager was taking notes at the Aradi stop when they exited the carriage.
"That's your squad?"  Manager grimaced.  "How long do you  think you'll be paying
attention for this contest, TUM?  The oddsmakers have it at five turns."
     And so a legendary TOGS team was formed.

                + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Soultaker ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Soultaker had just finished his morning walk around Aradi, and had returned to
his study in the Natural Disaster's chapter house.  He made himself a fresh cup of
coffee and grabbed the new edition of the Aradi Free Press.  Settling into the worn
leather reading chair, Soultaker tried to use the paper to get his mind off the sorry
state his favorite town had come to.
     His walk had only intensified the disgust of the stupid law Lord Woodfell and
the puppet ruler of the Aradi people had inflicted upon the tiny island community.
Food and supplies were rotting on the docks because there were no horses to move the
produce.  The town was without milk, eggs, meats and all of the rest of the staples
needed to operate.
     Soultaker slammed his fist down upon the arm of the overstuffed chair. "What do
you expect from the feeble mind of a rejected chaos lord," Soultaker bellowed in
utter frustration.
     Opening the paper, Soultaker turned his attention to the interview of his
assistant manager Ebony Shaft, hoping to take his mind off the retarded and twisted
thinking of Nuln.  Soultaker flipped through the many needless pages of want ads and
personals till he found the article.  The Crazy Creepster's scribe conducted the

CCS:  So tell the readers a little about yourself and how you came to be part of the
Soultaker house of madness?
ES:  Well, mah' dojigger be Ebony Shaft.  Man! ah' have been wo'kin' fo' Artimis
Sto'mm fo' around foe years now, so cut me some slack, Jack.  Mah' job gots been
t'scout talent and fo'm dem into cohesive fightin' stables.  Mah' latest wuz de
buildin' uh de Tubin' gang.  What it is, Mama!
CCS:  Now when you say Artimis Stormm, you are of course talking about the manager
ES:  Yeah dude dat be co'rect.  Man!  De trud uh it is, his mama, Pando'a, hired me.
She wuz lookin' fo' some certain quality in warrio's and it wuz mah' job t'try and
brin' it out in dem.  WORD! ah' hope dey please da damn Lady.  Slap mah fro!
CCS:  We all know Lady Pandora's passion for blood.  Does that mean these new
warriors of Soultaker's sable are hired killers?
ES:  We all know dat it would be wrong t'try andwaste in an Ando'ian territo'y.  Slap
mah fro!  If by chance some may slip on deir sweat and fall on some weapon it would
plum be some tragic accident.  Man! ah' can tell ya' dat Artimis gots been plannin'
strategies wid de managa' Mannequin fo' some time now, so cut me some slack, Jack.
CCS:  So with all this training have you given any thought to how they will perform
in the TOGS?
ES:  I 'espect dem t'do real well.  Management gots'ta play heavy into de overall
CCS:  Are you willing to go out on a limb with any predictions?
ES:  Well let's see.  Yo' Man, Crazy boy, and Managa' have t'be heavy favo'ites.  Bod
is long winded and love t'hear de sound uh deir own mouds.  It gots'ta be interestin'
t'see if Crazy kin hold down on his own, widout da damn Conso'tium t'hold his hand.
As fo' his partna' it depends on who shows down.  If Dwayne da damn Dawg shows dey
gots'ta fall.  Now, if Managa' is de one dat shows it gots'ta be some tougha' hurtle
fo' all uh us.
CCS:  So is that your pick for the top team?
ES:  I would not be so's bold t'pick de top team.  WORD! ah' dink dey gots'ta be one
uh de top five fo' sho' man.  Dere be only five teams right?
CCS:  I see an attempt at humor.  Any other predictions, you might what to share with
ES:  Let's see, ah' would gots'ta say Hombre and Ganolus is always dangerous.  If dey
kin keep deir haids in de contest dey gots'ta be in de top five.  Side bet be dat
Hombre gots'ta get some run in his leg warmers and fall on his face.  Ah' have also
heard dat one oda' team managa' is goin' t'try and fire down Ganolus so's he gots'ta
blow down.
CCS:  My, the time is flying.  We are going to have to stop this for now and finish
later if that is ok with you?
ES:  No problem.  WORD! ah' look fo'ward t'it.  Man!

     Soultaker carefully folded the newspaper and slowly drank his cooling coffee.

   + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Samwise the Bald / Childhood Trauma ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

The setting: The Blue Boar Inn, Zukal, six months ago.

     It was a slow night at the Blue Boar Inn.  The site of many a festive evening
after the duels in years past, the Blue Boar was nearly empty all the time now.  The
arena had once been magnificent, filled with teams.  That long-gone period in Zukal's
history had been the one bright spot in its long, blemished history.  Now, as the
arena bled a slow, agonizing death, the city of Zukal was again controlled completely
by the clans and was again a lawless, dangerous place.
     There were only a small number of gladiator guild houses still maintained in
Zukal.  Most had fallen into a sad state of disrepair, crumbling and moldering, a sad
homage to a forgotten era.  Many resembled the mottled moles on the top of
Soultaker's head, or the boils sprouting hairs on Death Stud's face.  Among the few
that were still maintained stood the guild house of DSM4, a team owned and operated
by The Sandman.  He had long ago ceased to field a team in Zukal.  However, he housed
many of his retired Lord Protectors in the guild house, to guard and maintain what he
considered to be his home, as well as assist in managing his affairs.  Though he no
longer fielded a team and business often kept him away, he considered the city where
he first fielded a team of warriors so many years ago to be home.
     At present, the lone non-warrior living at the DSM4 guild house lay facedown on
a table in a dark corner of the Inn.  Occasionally, a serving wench would check to
make sure he was still breathing, but the patrons and staff of the Blue Boar avoided
him as much as possible.  The sight and smell of him were nearly more than they could
bear.  To look at his face could cause even the hardiest of souls to dry heave.
     Puffy, swollen flesh made it nearly impossible to make out his facial features.
One could literally push aside folds of fat to expose his eyes, nose, and mouth.  The
little bit of hair on the sides his head was so stringy and oily it resembled strands
of yarn soaked in bacon fat.  Add to that the fact that it was grown into a
horrendous comb-over, and the top of his head was nearly enough to make one lose
their lunch.  Moving downward, one could not help but be repulsed by the nose hairs
grown long and greased to resemble a moustache, or the ear hair grown long and
greased down to resemble sideburns.
     To say he was obese would be kind.  Five chins made his neck resemble that of
Jabba the Hut.  His torso reminded one of what the Michelin Man might look like it he
let himself go.  And, yet, he had the spindliest, shortest legs many had ever seen.
To watch him walk, one felt he might tip over at any point and struggle like a bug to
right himself.  Standing straight-backed, at his tallest, he was barely over five
feet tall and weighed nearly six hundred pounds.  He looked like to many like the
mutant offspring of Soultaker and Death Stud.
     Samwise the Bald was indeed a sad sight.  He had spent the better part of four
years living in Zukal, drinking himself to death.  The fact that he had killed his
bride, Poison Ivy, on their wedding night by smothering her with his backside haunted
his every waking moment.  He wanted nothing more than to die, but could not take his
own life and people would not get close enough to him to be provoked into killing
him.  The only reason he was tolerated at the Blue Boar Inn was the fact that the
Sandman paid his tab and business was slow.
     Presently, Psychosis, a retired Lord Protector, entered the Inn and made his way
to Samwise.  Rapping him on the head to awaken him, he said, "Wake up, Samwise.
We've just received word from The Sandman that there is to be another Tournament of
the Golden Scrod in Aradi.  You're to gather together a team of gladiators and manage
them in the TOGS.  The Sandman will provide you with the money to your operation off
the ground

             + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Nuln's Nut Sack ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                           Snotman and Ed's Pandora's box

     "Well you can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man, no time to
talk..."  The Chaos Lord (tm) shrieked with excitement....
     "Mmmm  mmm   mmmm... mmmm...   mmmm..."  Nuln didn't know the rest of the words,
but it didn't matter, for tonight was the night.  It was a new spring season in
Aradi, and the town newly rebuilt after the boB's farm stampeding incident.  I can't
believe the news dubbed it:  FAST ANIMALS, SLOW TOWNSFOLK!  Aradi had enough problems
without this embarrassment.  But now the weather was warm, the town becoming, dare I
say, 'cosmopolitan' with the swanky Aradi Resort & Spa opening up, and some hip new
singles bars making their way here....  Nuln was ready....
     But was Aradi?  Nuln confidently strode through the doors of the hottest new
dance club this side of Snotman's house:  SLUTZERUS!  Amazing, the Chaos Lord (tm)
thought to himself.  It sounds so European.  The fact that Nuln knew it sounded
European made him even more confident.  The lights of the disco ball rebounded off of
Nuln's Lime Green Polyester Leisure Chaos Armor (tm) (who knew?) and the music was
filling his body with yet even MORE confidence....  Man, this guy was confident!
     Nuln wanted to start with a drink so to the bar he went....  He ordered a Snotty
Naval as an Homage to his TOGS partner and sat at the bar.  Sadly, the seat was very
small so the Chaos Lord (tm) had to set his trusty aforementioned allowed by Ed.
nut sack on the bar.  Lady Elysian looked disgusted to see Nuln's nutsack on the bar
and quickly ran for the ladies room, covering her mouth.  Maybe she was allergic?
thought Nuln.
     "Hey!  You can't have your nut sack on the bar!" shouted the bartender.
Quickly, Nuln brought his nut sack down to his chair.  Now, for his conquest....
Most of the ladies were out on the dance floor mobbing Manalger who was being most
un-Manalger like and was cage-dancing....  Nuln had heard that he needed some extra
cash to pay for the Uber-Warriors he hired for TOGS....  But Nuln did notice a very
shy, meek, flower of a damsel....  A-Sop, he was pretty sure her name was....  The
Chaos Lord (tm) smiled his huge toothy Chaos Smile (tm) at her and to his utter
amazement, she smiled back!
     The Chaos Lord found himself in uncharted territory.  'What now?' he thought.
He heard the clanging of sweat dripping from his forehead on the lap of his Chaos
Armor (tm).  A-Sop nervously walked over towards the fearsome Lord of Chaosness (?)
and cracked out a nervous "M...mm...M'lord...you're taller than I expected."
     Nuln stuck out his chest and bellowed, "I'm not really this tall, I'm just
sitting on my nut sack!"
     The temple was cold as he returned home minutes later and yelled to servants to
retrieve a towel to wipe the drink off his face....  "What am I doing wrong?" the
Chaos Lord asked himself....
     "There is always next Saturday m'lord," one of the snotlings creaked.
     "Hmm...next Saturday...."

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Snotman cracked the blinds slightly, his eyes intent on the police wagon that
was trundling down the street.  As the bright lantern light played across the window
at which he was watching, he let the blinds close.  A second later he opened them
again and then breathed a sigh of relief.  As he slumped into a ratty overstuffed
chair, a cloud of dust swirled and coated his slime covered skin, "It's gone by.  If
anyone had seen you, I'm sure the police would have been here by now.  I think that
you are safe."
     In the darkened room, a low, squat shape shifted and said, "Is it safe to light
a lamp?"
     Snotman replied, "Yeah, the blinds are drawn tightly."
     There was the tink, tink sound of steel on flint and then a small flame
appeared, slowly growing into a steady light.  Wayne King the goat placed the lamp on
the battered coffee table and flopped on the couch (another cloud of dust), "I can't
thank you enough for bringing me that warning about the anthropomorphic round-up!"
     Snotman managed a strained grin, "The look on that police sergeant's face was
priceless.  Although I was a little worried that he was going to arrest me when I
suggested that he search the Temple of Khorne dungeons himself.  Of course he knew as
well as I did that he would need a whole battalion of Aradi's finest to pull that off
without a massacre.  I'm glad that he was the reasonable sort.  Fifty golden eagles
for him and his men probably made the suggestion that maybe he had already searched
the dungeons and hadn't found anything sound a lot more palatable.
     "The thing that really burns me is Nuln.  We bumped into each other in the
Mystic Temple of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (See, unlike Nuln, Snotman knew where
he was, but he was damned if he knew how to get there again.  But that's the way that
it always is with the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  The spiffy thing about him (unlike
some other gods his gender has been long confirmed.  Although of course it only
really matters to other Flying Spaghetti Monsters) is that he really likes to arrange
things so that they look like coincidences.  Fishes coming up on land, apes learning
to use their opposable thumbs and Nuln & Snotman randomly running into each other in
the deepest, darkest under dungeon in all of Aradi.) and decided to be TOGS partners
and then in an offhanded sort of way he tosses off that he passed some legislation to
ban all anthropomorphics from Aradi!
     "The worst part about all of this is that it's all my fault...."

Queue flashback

     Nuln flopped down on the couch next to me, his chaos 'fro was so huge that it
seemed to have its own gravity.  It continued to gently undulate as we talked, "I'm
really digging Andorak" he said.
    "Good!" I said.
     "I've been hanging with some with some guys from Khalhums quite a bit.  Last
week we got totally wasted on Dead Elvises and I kept talking about my big toe.  They
thought it was frickin' hilarious.  I was serious at first, you wouldn't believe what
these chaos greaves do to my toes.  But they were laughing so hard it was contagious
and after a couple of Dead Elvises who really cares about their bunions anyway!
     "And I met someone!" (we used a lot of exclamation marks back then)
     "Really?  tell me about her!"
     "She a hot one breasted lady from one of the chaos planes.  She's a Lady
Protector out of one of the border countries.  Really interesting and I've been
spending a lot of my time trying to get into her panties."
     "Sounds like you're devoting a lot of time to managing your warriors."
     "Heh, well Andorak is a little bit like that.  There's so much to do and it's
gonna be so long before they max out their skills that there is a lot of time to
     "The problem with chaos babes is that they are all about the power.  Of course
the upside is that they are all about the power.  If you know what I mean, nudge
nudge, wink, wink."
     "I know exactly what you mean, Nuln.  Don't forget that I dated Flora the
Eviserator in High School."
     "She was just a kid.  A kid with a knack for killing things, but still just a
kid.  This is a woman.  And think about all the fun you could have with an immortal.
Man, you could really push things."  Nuln wiped a bit of drool off his lip.
     "But of course power is the problem.  She doesn't give a flying scrod that I was
nobility back in the chaos wastes.  She's all about the here and now."
     "Did ya tell her about your plans for dominating the arena.  And about Rabbi
Squirrel runner-uping that tourney?"
     "Yeah, she's been hanging out with some old fart who has like four TC's.  That
didn't impress her much.  And I started telling her about our theory that Parry
Strikes were going to rule the world with their combo of defense skills and endurance
but she just started laughing.  So I didn't even bother going into detail about
Kurregyle's training regimen.  But I have an idea.  The Duke of Woodfell fell on hard
times.  He has a little problem with the horses.  And he likes to gamble too.  He
owes some really nasty people so money.  He'll sell off his title for a pittance.
The only problem is that it has to be today.  If he doesn't pay them by the end of
the day, he's a goner and his son will probably want to keep the title.  And it's All
Scrod's Day so all the banks are closed.  Can I bum some money off of you?"
     "Hey, you know me, I'm not out to salt your game, but how much do you need?"
     "This dude is really down to his last options, I worked out a deal with him that
if I can get him thirty silver shekels by noon, the title is mine."
     "Thirdy silver, that's no problem, I was afraid you wanted some serious cash."
     I rummaged around for a second, "Um, I'm a couple of silver short.  Stand up for
a sec."

     "I dug around in the cushions and sure enough I found enough silver for Nuln to
buy his Dukehood.  And with those thiry silver pieces I created a monster...."
Snotman lapsed into silence.
     Wayne King shifted his weight uncomfortably on the couch (this being Aradi they
make couches specially designed for four legged animals but this didn't happen to be
one), "Hey, you had no way of knowing that Nuln was going to let that power go to his
head.  And one thing I'm curious about, you don't carry a wallet do you?"
     Snotman shook his head, "Nope."
     "Where do you keep your change?"

We'll save that story for another time.
Same Snot Time
Same Snot Channel

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     LHI looked up from the table.  He had been contemplating his iced tea while
everyone babbled on.  Condensation was starting to form on the outside of the cup....
     "I'm not gonna tell."
     LHI blinked.  "It's the same thing every time with you.  Geez."
     Green Eyes' eyes flashed.  "If you wait just a bit, you will know how your guys
     "Wait, wait , wait," sighed LHI.
     Stifling a giggle Green Eyes smiled, "That's right.  Just like everyone else."
     LHI narrowed his eyes.  At least he had his girls.  On either side of him sat a
very attractive woman.  He reached out to either side and pulled them both close.
"It doesn't matter anyway."
     "What doesn't matter?" said Green Eyes.
     "The prize of course."
     "What...you don't want it?"
     "It's just a clone...can't you see my girls here?"
     Green Eyes looked closer.  "They're twins!"
     "Well, not really twins...clones.  I make my own you know."
     Across the bar room floor a portly man clasped his chest.  "Evil cloner..." he
whispered.  He sank to one knee before his brethren came to his rescue.
     Green Eyes twisted around in her chair, "What's going on over there?"
     "Never mind the peanut gallery.  They are easily excited."
     The door opened with a gust of wind and a small group of people quickly ducked
into the Inn.  At the front was a grey haired man looking a bit confused.
     "Did you get everything done, TUM?"
     "Er yeah.  I managed to get everything in order for the contest tomorrow."
     LHI looked behind TUM.  Drat and Webbed Toes were standing there with their
     Looking puzzled LHI said, "Don't they go anywhere without those things?"
     "No, it's the darndest thing.  I keep telling them to fight barehanded but they
     "How did they do in the tourney?"
     "That's the darndest thing too.  They won't tell me!"
     "Yeah, they said Green Eyes would hurt them if they spilled the beans."
     Green Eyes slid her chair back and stood.  "That's right.  They are good boys.
They know the rules."
     "Yes, Ma'am," the two gladiators barked in unison.
     "I'm off." Green Eyes waved and slid out the door.
     TUM sat down in Green Eyes' seat and signaled a waitress.  "Well, we will soon
know what happened."  TUM ordered his usual from a tall thin girl.  She was all knees
and elbows.  Just like the girls from high school he used to run after.  TUM's eyes
started to gloss over a bit when LHI snapped his fingers.
     "Snap out if it!  What are you thinking about?"
     TUM focused his eyes.  "Soulta...er, nothing.  The tourney.  Yes.  Definitely."
     LHI rolled his eyes and ordered another round.  "Well, one thing is for
     "What's that?"
     "It sure doesn't get any easier as time goes by."
     "Yeah, I know what you mean.  It seems like it was just yesterday that warriors
like White Dove, Vengeance, heck, even Tarad had a shot at winning Primus.  What
     "A passing of the guard?  A new era?  I don't really know.  But I will take it.
I used to think Sebastian was all washed up and now look at him.  At least I got a
little ROI on that investment.  The damn TCO on him is outrageous."
     TUM looked at LHI.  "Huh?"
     "Never mind...he is just high maintenance."
     "You mean how you run him?  On maintenance?"
     "No, I mean...never mind!"
     "Anyway...do you think this spotlight is long enough?"
     "I hope so."
     "Me too...."

               + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Death Stud ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

      Death Stud surreptitiously wiped the trail of slobber from the side of his face
that had been left there by the sobbing figure in his arms.  "It's OK, let it all out
and tell me what's wrong."  What had started as a pleasant evening of drinking and
gambling at Inferno's Palace of Vice, Sin, and Fat Lady Internet Porn had all gone to
hell and Stud obviously wasn't going to get out of this one.
      Nuln sat up straight again and stared back into the foam in his mug, a long
tendril of spittle making a swaying bridge from Death Stud's massive shoulder to the
scraggly tuft of Nuln's Chaos Beard.  "It's gone, just gone and I have no idea where
it is or how I can possibly survive without it."  He fell silent as his shoulders
shook with a quiet sob and his bottom lip quivered wordlessly.  (Death Stud was
amazed by the length of the drool connecting the two of them.)  "It's always been
with me, ever since Endora brought me to this world as a wee Chaos Lad.  It is the
source of my power, my strength, and without it I will wither away slowly until I am
a mere worthless mortal, no better than you or TUM or Mannequin.  How can I live a
pathetic existence like that after knowing the immortal glory of being a Chaos Lord?"
(Who knew that Chaos Drool had such tensile strength?  Death Stud imagined a tiny
spit person carefully traversing the swaying spit rope bridge dangling above a spit
river at the bottom of deep ravine like some grade B jungle adventure movie.)
Suddenly Nuln's eyes became wide with panic, "What if... <shudder>  No, it's too
horrible to think of!  What if....  What if I become...something even less?
Something sub-human?  I couldn't bear it, snarfling around on all fours in the alleys
of Aradi, gnawing at my own haunches and fighting for scraps of food with the likes
of Lord Xiang, LHI, Ultraist, and Ghoti!"  Nuln spasmed at the thought, reeling
backwards and knocking his mug to the floor with a crash.  He pulled his knees up to
his chest and rocked slowly back and forth, eyes glazed and distant.
      Death Stud showed the concern in his heart for the obvious pain of his close
friend and long time non-alliance mate by reaching out and gently severing the
surprisingly tenacious spittle tentacle then wiping it off on Nuln's sleeve.  "What
was that you were saying again?"  (Dr. Phil--may he die many painful deaths--had
nothing on Death Stud when it came to listening and compassion.)
      "I must have it back!  I can never be the same Nuln again without it.  Will you
help me get it back and find whoever is responsible?  If I find out who is to blame,
they will pay a terrible price."
      "What then?  What is it?!?  What have you lost?  You're not making any sense
[as shocking as that my be to you]."  Sure, Nuln was quirky and may have spent a few
years riding the small yellow Chaos bus, but he was a decent Chaos chap and one of
Death Stud's close friends.  He was sure that he was going to end up regretting this
decision, but what's a Stud to do?  "OK, I'll help you find 'it' and find whoever
took 'it,' but you are going to have to tell me what 'it' is and anything else that
might be of importance..."
      ...several hours later, Death Stud sat alone, thinking over everything Nuln had
told him and trying to sort out the likely culprits.  And so began the search for
Nuln's missing "eth."

               + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Clone Wars ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                      PART III

     Nuln sat in the Blind Cyclops Inn with Lady Elysian, the two having to nearly
shout to hear each other above the din in the bar.  The room was packed to the gills,
and in the back a large pack of TOGS hooligans from the continent were licking beer
off their table and yodeling.
     "You seem awfully calm, Nulny." Elyssa commented, knowing her friend too well.
"Too calm if you ask me what with all that's been going on.  I.e. it's the start of
TOGS, the absconding of your beloved Fifirelli, the fact that a mysterious killer is
wandering free out there and could kill either of us at any given moment!!!  What
exactly's going on inside that chaos helm of yours?"
     "Correction if I may," Nuln replied, taking a long pull from his tankard of ale.
"*Not* a killer, at least he hasn't killed yet--"
     "Sure, he only threatened to use untested cloning technology on us which could
leave us--"
     "Debilitated or mutated in some horrible, disfiguring way?" Nuln finished.
"Yes, but we are still alive, hale & hearty at the moment.  Are we not?  Drink, drink
     Lady E shot Nuln a look but obliged and took a sip of her wine.
     "Remember when I said I had leaked some information about the cloning
technology?" Nuln continued, leaning in towards his companion as he rested his elbows
on the table top.  "Well I got some interesting results back from a friend of mine
down on the docks.
     "A couple of days ago, my man was approached by several foreigners.  The chaps
were looking to acquire an enormous amount of goat cheese.  1,300 cubic feet of it to
be precise.  He thought they were with the local Stromboli Boys syndicate, but with
the town being overrun by TOGS these days it's hard to be sure who anyone is."
     "I don't get it." said Lady E.  "Goat cheese?"
     "That, my dear, is the main and essential ingredient in my cloning technology."
     "I see," said Lady E, surmising Nuln's author must be writing this spotlight
late, late, heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeella late (she was right, btw).  "So all we have to do
then is trace back to whoever ordered the goat cheese and we'll have our evil
     "Precisely!" Nuln exclaimed.  "No wait, it can't be that easy.  This has to last
thirteen turns!"
     "Must be hard to smuggle 1,300 cubic feet of goat cheese." Lady E mused, taking
another sip.

(exactly one TOGS spotlight required length later)

     Nuln put down the empty mug of coffee.  It was only TOGS turn 1 and he already
felt like he'd been put through the wringer.  Wearily he blew out the candle, and
prayed to his nameless and faceless gods that this met the minimum TOGS guidelines.

       + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Lady A-Sop's Fables:  Slug ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Kendrick, Graeme, Trajan, and Ahlric, the bodyguards of A-Sop, and Starling and
Coyote, two of the best fighters of Bugs, Slugs and Thugs were training relentlessly
in the afternoon sun to build up their endurance and hone their fighting skills.
Sweating, yet exuding strength and power, the bodyguards taught these diligent
gladiators of their Lady's team.
     Flower, the last in the standings of Bugs, Slugs, and Thugs just watched them,
warbling merrily off-key and lazily heckling his fellow teammates.  The bodyguards
looked at each other knowingly but said nothing, and Starling and Coyote just ignored
their couch potato teammate.
     The next day was Aradi's fight day, and Flower was shocked to find out that he
was to fight in the Dark Arena.  He ran to Starling and Coyote and earnestly begged
for some quick tips they had learned in the training.
     Coyote said, "Why didn't you learn when you had the chance yesterday afternoon?
You've been wasting all these free training sessions with four of the best fighters
in all Alastari and NOW, you want some help?"
     "Well, everyone knows that A-Sop doesn't DA and I've been doing fine staying
alive in the arena...and I've been working on a song," whined Flower, wringing his
     Starling and Coyote rolled their eyes and sneered derisively.  "Sorry, Flower,
you're on your own because we're up next and don't have time to teach you now."  They
walked away to their respective areas preparing to walk proudly on the sands.
     Flower, whimpering now as he peeked out at the awaiting Dark Arena opponent,
raced to throw himself at the feet of the beauteous Lady A-Sop's feet and grovel.
"Please, Lady, don't DA me.  I'll do better, I promise!"
     Lady A-Sop delicately but agilely stepped away from Flower's hands as he was
about to throw his arms around her legs, crying.
     "Flower, my bodyguards offered to train you and improve your fighting skills and
record.  If you were foolish enough to sing and even mock them and Coyote and
Starling while they trained, it's too late to come crying to me.  I've warned all of
you that since I've been roped into playing the TOGS, I mean to at least give a good
showing," said A-Sop.
     Trajan, Ahlric and Graeme laughed aloud when Kendrick said sotto voce, "Yeah,
because otherwise Lady E would win their bet and she'd have to walk Lord Nuln's Fifi
through town in her favorite shoes."
     Lady A-Sop glared at her men, who merely grinned wider.
     Abjectly, Flower got up and went to the Dark Arena, knowing there was no hope
for him.  Once the animals came back, so would Lord Nuln's purebred snotling hound,
FiFi.  The hound was notorious for its propensity to frolic around legs and then rub
herself on everyone's shoes and leave them snotted with her residue.
     Nuln was still trying to break her of this habit but only half-heartedly since
he started liking the snot soaks in his boots.  He proclaimed that his feet had never
felt softer and he no longer got athlete's foot since nothing wanted to grow in
snotling hound snot.
     Poor Flower.  In his pursuit of sluggish self pleasure, he forgot the old moral,
"It is thrifty to prepare today for the wants of tomorrow" for in the life of a bad
gladiator, nothing is ever certain, except the need to win for your manager....

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Fulfil the contract; kill only those you are paid to kill, and leave no trace
behind.  The tenets of the guild must be obeyed.  Life couldn't be any simpler, or so
I thought.  Until he walked through the door of the House Misguided.  Paying well, he
was hard to turn down, and even harder to understand.  After making sense of the
"ya'lls" and "ye-haws" we finally worked out the terms of the most lucrative and
unusual assignment ever given to any of my assassins.  He warns me that our target is
cunning and ruthless, and advises me to take caution.  I assure him that we are
consummate professionals, and the contract will be completed.  He took his leave, but
not before sharing final words of ominous warning.
     "Cows are sexy."  And so that brings me to this evening, and my infiltration
into the stronghold of the Chaos Lord Nuln.  Cunning maybe, but let's see how he
handles 350 lb. Ninja Midgets.

                                             Praise the Dark Goddess,

         + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ A Dark and Stormy Night ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Jorge Black Orc choked on his beer.  "No!  Not mimes--not NOW!  I can't handle
mimes and TOGS both."
     "You won't have to," Harkon said with sudden decision.  "We won't stay.  Oh,
sure, we'll come back every two weeks when the fights are held, that IS our contract.
But in between, we'll leave the island entirely."
     The orc poured more beer into his glass from the pitcher conveniently located on
the end of their table.  "Okay.  There's a certain attraction to that.  But where
were you thinking of going?  I'm really not eager to see Caleam again."
     "Tobir.  There's a regular packet boat that goes down the coast and back up.
It's an arena town, so there'll be people there who are odd enough we won't stand
out.  And Arenamaster Vashku is a friend of mine.  He'll put us up."
     "I heard the arenamaster in Tobir is a demon in disguise," the Black Orc said
     "Yes, but so what?  He drinks beer just like anyone else.  And let me tell you,
in Tobir, he gets RESPECT.  Nobody messes with Vashku."
     "Glowing red eyes?"
     "Very handy on a dark night."
     "Drinks the blood of virgins?"
     "What a revolting concept!  Tomato juice."  Harkon stood.  "I'm going to throw a
few things into a bag and leave right after the fights today.  How about you?"
     "I'll be there."

                                      SPY REPORT

     Good day, in ARADI a quiet thief gets rich, but a quiet spymaster gets poor.  So 
bring me ale and harken to my tidbits of news.  It seems the training can make the 
difference, as ARADI RESORT & SPA is pushed out of top team by SILENT WARRIORS, who 
came from 2nd with a 4-1-0 this turn.  Now, what did these guys have for breakfast 
this morning?  WILD CARDS has turned a 4-1-0 into 17th place from 28th.  Give me the 
recipe!  DILEN'S HORDE must be either in pain, or numb, having dropped from 8th to 
20th this turn, with a 0-5-0 acting as the weight.  It doesn't rain, but it pours for 
CHILDHOOD TRAUMA this turn, a 2-3-0 causing a 14 flight drop in the team rankings.  
Hand that team a dry towel.  The DEATH STUDS VII guild has had a 5-0-1 turn and 
deserves to be watched in the future.  You never know where this kind of thing can 
lead.  On their very first turn, BIKINI BOTTOM had a 5-0-2, and with this kind of 
luck or skill, should do well.  Welcome to ARADI.  ARADI welcomes a new team to our 
ranks, unofficially of course, for now.  But welcome nonetheless to THIRSTY THUGS.  
Let's see what you can do.  And let's see, FALCON XLI fought 4-FT PARTY BONG and 
gained 22 points and contributed to DEATH STUDS VII's 5-0-1.  ZIPPER has lost to 
MEALS ON WHEELS, falling 21 points, while helping make RESCUE RANGERS a 1-3-0 turn.  
HOLLY SKULL challenged for the Duelmastership this turn, attempting to dethrone DEATH 
STUDS VII's warrior.  The attempts to dethrone the Duelmaster have failed, and 
ONE-TIMER remains ARADI's top warrior for another turn.  By the way, was that our 
Duelmaster that I saw last night, cramped under the table at The Blind Cyclops Inn?   
     Oriental wise man once say, 'Hiding behind shields prevents proper sun tanning.' 
Inscrutable, but true.  AARP has cause to stand tall, as they were ARADI's most 
avoided team.  A smart manager knows this is a team to beat.  And guess who avoided 
AARP stable the most?  Believe it or not, it was 4000 BLOWS.  Anyone surprised?  The 
most challenged warrior this turn was OGRES ARE US' warrior LOUKMAD.  More fighters 
challenged him than challenged the Duelmaster!  In a brave attempt, BLOODLUST MUTE 
from SILENT WARRIORS challenged up 24 points to fight VAS DEFERENS from the GOIN' 
TUBIN' stable.  BLOODLUST MUTE perhaps got his just desserts, seeing as he defeated 
VAS DEFERENS and ended up with 30 recognition points.   
     The Dark Arena is for those who cannot win, not who cannot lose with grace.  
Dignity in life or death is the warrior's creed.  Whatever bright future DEVOURER may 
have had, it's all history now.  The manager of DILEN'S HORDE has lost a promising 
3-1-0 warrior.  The manager of ARADI RESORT & SPA will not be pleased to learn that 
NATASHA, a 3-1-0 fighter, has been killed at the hands of 4000 BLOWS' CHIM RICHALDS.  
Hearty mugs of ale were raised in ARADI today as 4-FT PARTY BONG was bid farewell to 
a 12-6-0 warrior, with FALCON XLI of DEATH STUDS VII standing silent and pensive.  
DEATH STUDS VII, with any luck MY BEST BUDS 2 will successfully bloodfeud FALCON XLI 
for killing such a warrior as 4-FT PARTY BONG.  Have a little decency, will ya?  A 
brave warrior does not carry a red shield, he has nothing to cover or hide when the 
fight is over.  Consider well.   
     Remember, blood on the purple robe does not change it from a purple robe.  Dare 
to fight bravely.  Well, I'm burning daylight here in ARADI and I've a long road 
ahead of me.  Happy Trails.  Until the sun next rises and my pen sets to paper-- 
Alarond the Scribe  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 ONE-TIMER 7169               27   5  0   110       DEATH STUDS VII (301)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 FALCON XLI 7341              10  10  2   154       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
-SLIPKNOT 6674                18  15  0   109       THIEVES GUILD (396)
 HOLLY SKULL 7276             15  13  0   104       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
 THE TAIL 7253                17  30  0   101       RED DOG GANG (476)
 BLUE BEANIE 6461             17  15  1    97       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 SMIRLIN 6568                 15  13  0    97       OGRES ARE US (270)
 NAPPY DUGOUT 6080            21  25  1    96       WILD CARDS (148)
 WARAGEN 5573                 15   5  0    92       SAAB STORY (389)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 TINY TIM 6042                 9   2  0    89       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 SEHENSTES 7339               12  10  2    86       VOUGEOOT (464)
 FLOWER 7255                  19  28  0    85       RED DOG GANG (476)
 VOLMAX 7592                   3   0  0    82       MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
 PANTHER 7320                  8   7  1    81       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 STEVIE 7271                  17  24  0    80       RED DOG GANG (476)
 MISS UNDERSTOOD 7301         11  17  0    80       THE MISGUIDED (559)
 IN PARI DELICTO 7283         17  20  1    74       LEGALESE (449)
 DERALD 7285                   8   7  0    70       4000 BLOWS (107)
 TAY STARLE 6808               9   9  2    67       WING HOVE (529)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 STORM 4741                    9   6  0    66       ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
 HURRICANE XXXVII 7379         8   7  1    66       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
-ENOCH PEABODY 7325            9   7  0    65       THIEVES GUILD (396)
 PHREAK 7327                  11  14  0    64       THE MISGUIDED (559)
 SHMAMY CROCKETT 7216         11   4  0    63       4000 BLOWS (107)
 MOUSE 7318                    6  10  0    61       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 DERRIN 6952                   9   7  0    60       WING HOVE (529)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 DR. FEELGOOD 7130             5   5  0    56       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 MYSTERY 7354                 11  11  0    55       THE MISGUIDED (559)
 SYDA HAMMIE 6667             13   8  0    53       OGRES ARE US (270)
 ANALISE 7544                  7   2  0    50       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 BUTTERFLY 7338               11   4  0    49       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
 SNOW WHITE 7486               6   4  0    48       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 JAMIS 6735                    7  12  1    45       WING HOVE (529)
 FIRE 4739                     6   4  1    45       ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
 MALT-O-MEAL 7527              5   0  1    45       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 HYQ 7388                      8   9  2    44       VOUGEOOT (464)
 BULLY BOY 7447                8  10  0    44       RED DOG GANG (476)
 SONETT 7088                   7   0  1    44       SAAB STORY (389)
 HURTICANE 4740                6   2  0    42       ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
-NEZUMI 7342                   7   6  0    41       THIEVES GUILD (396)
 VENREK 7477                   5   2  0    41       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 NINJA 7357                    5   4  0    38       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 HOSCHA 6835                   8   7  0    37       OGRES ARE US (270)
 FUN IN THE BARN 7673          4   0  0    36       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
 CIALIS 7659                   4   0  0    36       AARP (583)
 HYDRO ON THE D-LO 7642        4   1  1    35       THE BIZZLE (593)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 PINTO BEANS 7531              3   5  0    34       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 VAS DEFERENS 7534             6   1  0    33       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
-HARRIET 7495                  5   4  0    33       THIEVES GUILD (396)
 PIZNAUL JIZNOKE 7641          4   1  1    33       THE BIZZLE (593)
 VIPER LXXI 7566               3   3  0    33       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 MEALS ON WHEELS 7575          2   3  0    33       AARP (583)
 FRANK 7484                    7   4  0    32       THE MISGUIDED (559)
 MANDA 7546                    6   3  1    32       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 COYOTE 7626                   4   2  1    32       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
 G DUBYAH 7611                 2   4  0    32       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
 LIMA BEANS 7530               5   2  0    31       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 OXYGEN TANK 7574              4   1  0    31       AARP (583)
 CHIM RICHALDS 7491            2   7  1    31       4000 BLOWS (107)
 ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083              4   2  0    30       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 BIN LADEN 7646                4   1  0    30       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
 FALOPIAN 7498                 2   2  0    30       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 BLOODLUST MUTE 7701           2   1  0    30       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 INIGO 7545                    5   4  0    29       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 SPAM SANDWICH 7524            3   2  0    29       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 TYVEK 7478                    2   1  0    29       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 KARMA CHAMELEON 7636          4   1  1    28       ATLAS PARK (592)
 F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE 7639       3   2  0    28       THE BIZZLE (593)
 EUSTACHIAN 7499               3   3  0    28       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 LEG WARMER LUST 7717          2   0  0    28       4000 BLOWS (107)
 SUNSHINE 7593                 2   2  0    28       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 THALIA 7547                   4   5  0    27       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 WALMART GREETER 7576          2   3  0    27       AARP (583)
 SMALL INTESTINE 7535          4   5  1    26       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 JACK THE RIPPER 7487          4   4  0    26       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 GRAFFIX 6909                  5   9  0    24       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 TEMPLAR 7622                  1   2  0    24       DARK TOADS (590)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 STARLING 7630                 5   1  0    23       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
 HARSIESUS 6871                3   1  0    23       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
 TIGER TY 7665                 3   0  0    23       WING HOVE (529)
 GOOFY 7488                    4   6  0    22       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 CLINTON 7612                  2   4  0    22       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
 CLAPTON 7691                  1   0  1    22       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 NIGHT HAG 7598                4   1  0    21       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
 STORM FIRE 7597               1   0  0    21       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 SIGMOID COLON 7533            1   2  0    20       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 AQUA NETTA 7775               1   0  0    20       THE BIZZLE (593)
 WILSON FERGUSON 7686          3   1  0    19       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 PREIA 7664                    2   1  0    19       WING HOVE (529)
 DERS 7683                     2   2  0    19       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 SILENT SPOCKER 7700           2   1  0    18       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 CRUSADER 7625                 1   2  0    18       DARK TOADS (590)
 ATALAN 7656                   0   2  0    18       PHILANTHROPISTS (594)
 WHITE WITCH 7542              3   2  0    17       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 DRIZZLE 5774                  4   4  0    16       ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
 SUTTY 7685                    2   2  0    16       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 LOUKMAD 7042                  2   6  0    16       OGRES ARE US (270)
 HOLSTIEN HEAVEN 7674          2   2  0    16       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
 THE AVENGING SCROD 7649       2   0  1    15       4000 BLOWS (107)
 HILLARY 7647                  1   4  0    15       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
 LOOSE DENTURES 7573           1   4  0    15       AARP (583)
 RUKGAZ 7564                   1   0  0    15       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 ETTIN 7600                    2   3  0    13       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
 GADGET 4574                   1   2  0    13       RESCUE RANGERS (362)
-BOB 7607                      1   1  0    13       COWS (588)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 CONDI 7613                    0   1  0    13       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
 DE NOVO 7567                  2   5  1    12       LEGALESE (449)
 FLAMENCO A GO-GO 7662         2   2  0    12       ATLAS PARK (592)
-SCRAPPY 2846                  1   1  1    12       BEWARE OF DOG (257)
 ZIPPER 4404                   1   4  0    12       RESCUE RANGERS (362)
 LIQUID DOOM 5812              2   5  0    11       ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
 HOWLER 7602                   1   4  0    11       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
 DEATH SPONGE 7692             1   0  0    11       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 TRINITY 7734                  1   0  0    11       DARK TOADS (590)
 AN AVERAGE JOE 7281           1   0  0    11       RESCUE RANGERS (362)
 SUGAR BOTTOMS 7690            1   0  0    11       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 JAVA 7779                     1   0  0    11       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
-ETAN FROCK 7658               1   0  0    11       PHILANTHROPISTS (594)
-CURLY 7604                    2   0  0    10       COWS (588)
 PORN STARR 7693               1   0  1    10       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 OSO 7682                      1   3  0    10       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 JADE 7756                     1   0  0    10       THIRSTY THUGS (600)
 BRAE'TAC 6895                 1   0  0    10       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
 MARY JANE 7173                1   1  0    10       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 KRAKEN 7679                   0   4  0    10       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
 BOSTON TERRIER 7638           2   3  0     9       ATLAS PARK (592)
 COBRA XXI 7725                1   0  0     9       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 RACOON HAMMER 7709            1   1  0     9       WILD CARDS (148)
 TECHNISQUID 7708              1   1  0     9       WILD CARDS (148)
 GREEN DISEASE 7718            0   1  0     9       MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
 HEAVEN 7735                   0   1  0     9       DARK TOADS (590)
 ASGARD 6892                   1   0  0     8       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
 YELLOW JACKET 7627            1   5  0     8       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
 ZEROSE 7741                   1   0  0     7       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 SQUIGGNERD 7694               1   0  0     7       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
-LAUVIAH 7710                  1   0  0     7       THIEVES GUILD (396)
 CANSAVE LAME 6869             0   1  0     7       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
 MADONNA 7780                  0   1  0     7       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
 NULN'S NUTSACK 7782           1   0  0     6       WILD CARDS (148)
 CRASS 7751                    1   0  0     6       THIRSTY THUGS (600)
 DOA 7773                      1   0  0     6       SAAB STORY (389)
-DAGAT 7657                    1   0  0     6       PHILANTHROPISTS (594)
 ERRA EVAD 7652                1   2  0     5       VOUGEOOT (464)
 NINE HUNDRED 7681             1   0  0     5       SAAB STORY (389)
 CHIP 7298                     0   1  0     5       RESCUE RANGERS (362)
 KREE 6870                     0   1  0     5       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
 TYVIN LXIX 7648               0   1  0     5       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 ANTHRAX 7669                  0   1  0     5       MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
-LARRY 7608                    1   1  0     4       COWS (588)
-SILAS 7605                    0   2  0     2       COWS (588)
 AXESHI 7675                   0   2  0     2       VOUGEOOT (464)
 AMANDA 7744                   0   1  0     1       THIRSTY THUGS (600)
 TOWN BICYCLE 7781             0   1  0     1       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 RANDOM 7761                   0   1  0     1       THIRSTY THUGS (600)
 9000 7772                     0   1  0     1       SAAB STORY (389)
 RAZE 7732                     0   1  0     1       WRECKING CREW (598)
 DEMOLITION MAN 7733           0   1  0     1       WRECKING CREW (598)
 CALDER 7784                   0   1  0     1       THIRSTY THUGS (600)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD               W  L K TEAM NAME             SLAIN BY             TURN Revenge?
NATASHA 7620           3  2 0 ARADI RESORT & SP 580 CHIM RICHALDS 7491    388         
KISS ME DEADLY 7726    0  2 0 ATLAS PARK 592        STONE GOLEM 26        388 NONE    
LAVENDER SURGE 7635    1  1 0 ATLAS PARK 592        CROW 7628             384 REVENGED
BIG N WEAK 7774        0  1 0 THE BIZZLE 593        GARGOYLE PRINCE 25    388 NONE    
FLOWER 7629            0  6 0 BUGS, SLUGS & THU 591 MARINE TROLL 18       388 NONE    
CROW 7628              2  2 1 BUGS, SLUGS & THU 591 KARMA CHAMELEON 7636  386         

THE DEAD               W  L K TEAM NAME             SLAIN BY             TURN Revenge?
SIVART 7684            1  2 0 THE BUNKHOUSE 595     THE AVENGING SCR 7649 387         
BOVINE ASSASIAN 7672   0  4 0 CHEER-O-KEE'S 557     SMALL INTESTINE 7535  388         
BOVINE PLEASURE 7631   1  1 0 CHEER-O-KEE'S 557     MALT-O-MEAL 7527      384 NOT REVE
LIVER 7525             0  1 0 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA 579  PORN STARR 7693       388         
MOE 7606               0  2 0 COWS 588              SCRAPPY 2846          386         
DEVOURER 7601          3  2 0 DILEN'S HORDE 587     HYQ 7388              388         
MAGMIN 7599            0  1 0 DILEN'S HORDE 587     DE NOVO 7567          384 REVENGED
ONE LAST CRY 7783      0  1 0 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 585 JORGE BLACK ORC 20    388 NONE    
WEED 7771              0  1 0 THE MISGUIDED 559     BORED ELF 19          388 NONE    
4-FT PARTY BONG 6908  12  6 0 MY BEST BUDS 2 542    FALCON XLI 7341       388         
X 7777                 0  1 0 THINGS ILL NEVER  601 GARGOYLE PRINCE 25    388 NONE    
XX 7778                0  1 0 THINGS ILL NEVER  601 MARINE TROLL 18       388 NONE    
OPERA 7776             0  1 0 THINGS ILL NEVER  601 CLAPTON 7691          388         
I R SUCKY 7727         0  1 0 WILD CARDS 148        STONE GOLEM 26        388 NONE    
NOISEY CRICKET 7212    0  2 0 THE WILLBURYS 13 553  COYOTE 7626           384 NOT REVE
TALON 6736             9  7 0 WING HOVE 529         RIP RAP 6599          384 NOT REVE

                                     PERSONAL ADS

          Right, so TOGS has started and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do
     about it....  If you're e-mailing your personals and spots (which may be more
     reliable than snail mailing them), be sure to send a copy directly to me also.
     Send it to TOGS at solberg-mathews dot com.  That way if HAL gaks, I still have
     a copy.  It also allows me to proofread stuff early so that the arena mails on
          Remember, HAL doesn't do attachments, so send your stuff in the body of an
     e-mail.  I do attachments just fine though, being, I hope, slightly more
     flexible and intelligent than HAL.  Another thing HAL doesn't do is HTML.  I'm
     sure you all remember that lecture, though a few of you sent HTML formatted
     stuff anyway.  Another thing HAL doesn't do is special characters.  If your ads
     or spots have curly quotes, single or double, em dashes or en dashes, or
     ellipses characters (that's three dots in a row...), HAL helpfully changes them
     to a single garbage character.  Then I have to go through and find them all and,
     hopefully, change them back to the plain text version of what they were meant to
     be.  This is another case where a copy sent to me is very helpful, as such a
     copy is more likely to retain those characters, which I can then more easily
     convert to plain text.  If you use M$ Word and would like directions on how to
     remove those for yourself, send me an e-mail at the address above.
          And don't pay any attention to what anyone may say to the contrary, early
     is good!  If you want to send your stuff the day after the arena runs, I'll be
     as happy as can be.  I'm not sure I'm offering a prize for early spot and ad
     submission, because I can't remember if I ever gave Manager his prize from last
     time (I moved just after the last TOGS and everything was topsy-turvy).  But I
     might, so send 'em in just in case! -- Ed., trying to make life easier for
     everyone, but especially for myself *smile*

Aradi -- Just writing an ad for the first turn of TOGS in case I forget. -- Manager

Nulnella -- Keep your nut sack off my skill well, buddy! -- Mouse

CLIK CLIK CLAK! -- Bloodlust Mute

Hombre -- Let's do this yo! -- Ganolus

All -- May all your TOGS V days be blessed with loads of laughter as the ever elusive
golden scrod slips through your fingertips and onto my mantel! -- Ganolus

Tidbits from the Award-Winning Aradi Free Press:
   Fight throwing is in.
   Aragorn is lost.  Mt. Doom is in Mordant.
   Lord Xiang has been commiserating his lack of tail.
   Nuln has been reinstated on the Aradi Free press mailing list.
   Farmer boB escorted Nuln to the mime opera.  (and vice versa)
   Barnabas, FONZ member, renamed FONZ to Fonzettes.
   FONZ = Flustered Oozing Neophyte Zilches
   God Death Dud is allowing each Manager only one Aradi Team during TOGS.
   Early TOGS teams are formidable, but Ghoti and Street Legal just paired.
   One Timer got some Duelmaster Tail.
   Harkon wants a piano.  The Creepster plays the accordion.
   Leg warmers are out.  Joleyene is in.
   Superior Forces has their W/L up to 22.2%.
   Mannequin's idea of a bikini bottom is a Snotman diaper.
   Current TOGS odds:
        Soultaker/Death Stud     1:2
        Samwise/Mannequin        1:1
        Commission Ringers       2:1
        Field                   10:1
        Delarquans             100:1
        Ultraist/Jekyl        1000:1
   AARP has sold out all prune juice and viagra.
   Enoch Peabody is a wasted thief.

Shmamy Crockett -- Thanks for the massive down-challenge thrown fight.  I was Happy
to get it and you were Dopey to do it. -- Snow White

Flamenco A Go-Go -- Get ready for the TOGS action, weenie wench.  This ain't no
Disney movie. -- Goofy

Headrock -- You are such a lovely person.  Thank you for letting me finish on top.  I
really enjoyed the action.  Are you free again tonight? -- Tiny Tim

Fellow TOGS Participants -- Well another TOGS is here and I look forward to competing
with some of the best, err, some good, err some managers! -- Rillion, manager of
Demons of Darkness 2

Rascally Rabbit -- I hope I have better luck with you than I did with The Greek Guy.
-- Rillion

Good-Bye all, I graduate after this turn.  I am a lunger with MOD/MOD and LO.  I am
+12 with 2 areas yet to know for sure  My manager happy with me except I am stupid.

Tiny Tim -- It hard to hit you when you flagellate you weapon in face like that.  Sun
shine off it and I miss you.  We both need better weaponsmith I think -- Headrock

Hello all! -- Glad to be back in Aradi.  I know you are glad to see me. -- Ghoti

Walmart Greeter -- That was not a proper greeting...so I had to hit you. -- Hoscha

Nuln -- Never mind. -- Ghoti

Nuln -- I hate scrod.  Gonna import my own stuff. -- Ghoti

Chick Peas anyone? -- Ghoti and Ogres Are Us

     Hummus and falafel? -- Ed.

Death Stud needs a new pair of shoes, to ummm...lift his spirits. -- Ghoti

Indimar -- I sure hope everything at Scrodbucks meets all health and sanitation
standards.  It'd be a shame if it had to be shut down, along with all your hopes and
wildest dreams.  MWA HA HA HA HA!!!!! -- Pauly, newly appointed Chairman of the Aradi
Health and Sanitation Department
P.S.  Trust me, it's legit.  Besides, TOGS hasn't even started yet, and I've already
stepped in several big steaming piles of scrod.  I've had to scrod-guard my boots!

Nuln -- I wish this was 62.  I just dropped back in Valamantis last turn and went 5-
0.  The Rio Vistans are a much better team than these mediocre guys at the Bunkhouse.
Although, the next turn in 62 runs before 60 and I'll probably go 0-5, so I'll be
eating my words. -- Pauly

Barnabas -- That is a lie, sir!  You are a liar!  You know I had my tail removed as a
small child, so how could I have had it between my legs when I ran away?  Huh?
Besides, I told you that in confidence.  Anyway, I do realize that my departure was
at a bad time and now the M.O.M. is no more.  Although, it really only lasted a
couple months.  But clearly you've done well without me, and I'm man enough to admit
that I probably would have only dragged you down with me, had I continued to manage.
Besides, you're a Fondler Of Nappy Zebras (not to be confused with Nappy Dugout) now,
and I am but a lowly independent manager with an abusive father. -- Pauly
P.S.  That is what the FONZ stands for isn't it?  I always just assumed as much.

Death Stud -- At Indimar's advanced age, any physical confrontation would just be way
too easy for me.  I'm mainly just gonna try to break him psychologically, until he's
just a hollow, mentally deranged shell of his former self. -- Pauly
P.S.  I guess Nuln didn't share your feelings about Sivart.

     "...hollow, mentally deranged shell of his former self."  That's what TOGS is
     all about, no? -- Ed., halfway there already

Nuln -- I'm not going to bloodfeud.  Like I said earlier, these guys are all
mediocre. -- Pauly

Nuln -- You are formally uninvited to Farmer boB's farm, and your subscription to our
paper has been rescinded. -- boB

Good luck to all participants on our team and animal lovers. -- Farmer boB

Creepster -- Due to complete laziness you will have no competition this turn. --
Farmer boB

Jekyll -- Be prepared.... -- Ultraist

All -- Bow your weakling backs in subservience, Aradi!  Ultraist and myself will be
teaming up for the latest edition of TOGS.  Team name is Medical Biohazard 4.  'Nuff
said. -- Jekyll

Crazy Creep Scribe -- You are correct in that a single TOGS team can have only 10
Total Parries on a team, but I claimed that ANDORIANS could have 250 Total Parries on
their teams.  It is theoretical that there could be twenty-five such teams
participating in TOGS.  Therefore it is possible that Andorians could have 250 TPs in
TOGS, however unlikely that circumstance to be. -- Lord Xiang (wondering if he should
bring his Delarquan to Andorian translator to Aradi from Aruak City)

Aradi Free Press -- You mean you don't? -- Lord Xiang

4k Blows -- I was considering the next entrant to be called Nuln, THEN Soultaker.
*evil grin*  I appreciate the well-wishing.  I'm going to need it.  At least the
spots aren't going to be graded on quality. -- Lord Xiang

     Sez who? -- Ed., probably the only person in the world who HAS to read them all

Death Studs -- I'm not one to wait until the last minute.  *chuckle* -- Lord Xiang

Crazy Creepster -- What can I say?  I like things that keep me warm:  coffee,
beautiful women, my blankey.... -- Mannequin

Samwise the Bald -- Let's get it started!! -- Mannequin

Lady Pandora -- Um, you've been saying you're going to decimate Soultaker for at
least a DECADE now, probably longer for all we know.  Which then begs the question:
WHAT THE HECK'S TAKING YOU SO LONG!?!?!? -- the CACftDoS (Concerned Aradi Citizens
for the Decimation of Soultaker)
P.S.  And this explanation *better* be good! ;)

Lady E -- How's biz?  If my underchin deal puts your profits through the roof I want
a cut! >:) -- Nuln

Barnabyss -- Great to see you're back.  We'll be avoiding appropriately. -- 4000

Ganolita -- Uh, the fight throwing memo's been nailed to the front of the arena the
last two TOGS.  Get in yer DCin' while the DCin's good, woohoo! -- Nuln

boB -- I, uh, got you this scrod cook book. -- Nuln

Creepster, Creep Scribe -- I'm not sure what you're talking about with regards to
your ostrich, Ethel.  Nevertheless I express my sympathies (not my deepest ones, but
something more mid-level) for any ostrich-related loss you may have had. -- Nuln

Crazy Creeps Scribe -- It's really less interesting when you "interpret" the
Creepster's messages.  In the future, please leave them in their original,
undecipherable form. >C>:>=== -- 4000 Blows Scribe

Snow White (isn't that redundant?) -- <thumbs in ears, wiggling fingers>
Ppppppbbbbbbt!  And keep yer stinkin' APPLES!!!!! -- Shmamy of Crockettville

Pauly (& Duts Htaed I guess) -- My condolences on the passing of Sivart (good gods,
did he have a 2 con or what?).  I'd ask you to spare me the BF what with TOGS, but 13
turns seems like an awfully long law away.  I'll accept your decision regardless.
With honor, -- the Avenging Scrod

boB -- Um, I also got you this 50 eagle gift certificate to Scrod Bucks. -- Nuln

Snotman -- Might I make a one word suggestion?  Maintenance. -- Nuln

Hombre -- Is that you managing the Bizzle, or your recording artist associate, H-Dawg
on the Bree-zay? -- CACftPNoM (Concerned Aradi Citizens for the Proper Naming of

Hillary -- Those shinguards will do nothing to protect you, honey, much less for your
fashion sense.  If you need a wholesale deal on some high quality l-warmers, you know
where to find me, sister-child. -- Leg Warmer Lust

boB -- I, uh, also got you this cool t-shirt.  It says, "I ran in TOGS IV and I all I
got was this stinking scrod?". -- Nuln

Ed. -- Yeah, it's sad.  And my child-hood dream was to be a dishwasher.  How ironic.
-- dishless Derald

     If you want to come over to my place, I can make your dream come true!  This is
     in a strictly Platonic sense, you understand. -- Ed.

Indimar -- It's Cyber Punk.  I think after reading my spotlight you can see the
direction I'll take if you continue to get my name wrong.  Oh by the way, good luck,
friend. -- Cyber Punk, mgr. Atlas Park

Hombre and Ganolus -- Don't know how you two talked me into this.  To make matters
worse, I'm teamed with a guy who doesn't even know my name. -- Cyber Punk
P.S.  Good luck.

Beware all, for My Best Buds 2 has returned.  If you value your warriors, you should
be sure you keep an eye on them closely for they may end up at our guildhouse and in
a state that does not allow their best fighting condition! -- Street Legal, mgr. of
My Best Buds 2

All -- My apologies for my lame spotlight.  I could try to lie and say that I was
focusing on my warrior management rather than my writing at the beginning of this
contest but that would be a lie since I have also done a poor job in getting my team
ready.  I completely forgot to fight anyone last turn so that I would stay listed in
the newsletter and be able to make challenges.  Hmm...I know, I am just trying to be
fair and give myself a handicap since I have such a great team.  Yeah, uh that's the
ticket. -- Rillion

Rascally Rabbit -- Hopefully we get assigned a good team number!  I think the real
secret to success in TOGS is determined by which team number is assigned.  Time to go
consult a psychic to figure out what our lucky number will be and see if we stand a
chance! -- Rillion

     I'm told that "8" is particularly good this year. -- Ed.

Death Stud -- Thanks for getting this TOGS up and running.  Now may you have horrible
luck and all your warriors die in the tournament before this even starts! -- Rillion

Ganolus -- Sorry you weren't able to bloodfeud Falkynor.  Unfortunately I moved from
Atlanta to Portland Oregon, and now that TOGS has started I won't be running The
Willburys 37. -- RR

Crazy Creepster -- Long time no see.  But I have to agree with Nuln, your comments
are more entertaining when that damned scribe doesn't get in the way. -- Snotman

Nuln -- I totally have one personal ad in me EVERY week! -- Snotman

     Maybe you can nab some prune juice from someone? -- Ed.

Nuln -- If you're feeling awfully reflective, you might think about powdering your
underchin. -- Snotman

All -- Let's get our TOGS on! -- Snotman

411 -- L3t'5 g37 r t0G5 0n! -- 5n07m4n

P5 -- 1 w0nd3r 1f 1 c0u1d writ3 411 my p3r50n415 7h15 w4y.  W0u1d 3d. k111 m3?

     Y35. -- 3d.

Ed. -- Just working out my techniques.  I have a couple more up my sleeve like this
P.S.  Vwls r vry vrrtd.

     Having your personals actually appear in the newsletter is very overrated too,
     no?  Do we understand one another? -- Ed.

Nuln -- I'm feeling feisty tonight.  It's 9pm and I haven't gone to sleep yet.  I
might even stay up 'till 9:30 and start my spotlight. -- Snotman
P.S.  Dear lord, some people have already turned in their spotlights?  I thought that
Ed. gave special prizes for hand writing our spotlights and sending them in at the
very last possible moment.  With special bonuses for use of foreign languages and
alternate 5p3111ng5.  Why would you want to give up on that kind of chance at glory?
Manager of course has already written his spotlights for the whole TOGS, but the
Creepster is an albatross who will pull him down right when he is on the verge of
victory.  Actually I just had a very Christmas Story image of Manager in his cold and
dusty house staring at his golden scrod as the ghosts of TOGS partners past show him
how he has devoted his life to winning the TOGS again and given up on all of the
things in life that make life meaningful.

Nuln -- What kind of nuts do you have in your nut sack right now? -- Snotman

All -- This is the first personal ad I have written in years.... -- LHI

All -- So who are the managers running here?  Do you guys wanna introduce yourselves?
-- LHI

TUM -- Yes, here we go!  Time to rock and roll! -- LHI

Soultaker -- You are going down! -- LHI

Lord Nuln -- Business is booming.  Quite a bit due to our mini Stud facials and
massages, and your Chaos Underchin treatments, thank you.  Also our Margarita
pedicures are a hit as well.  People are loving the Salt Rub and Lime and Tequila
foot masque...but seriously, my dear, you are quite right.  And I shall be sending
you a shipment of your favorite illustrious, industrious Scrod as your commission. --
Lady E
P.S.  And no, Nuln, I will not be using a Scrod masque for our signature facial...
maybe a Scrod Caviar masque though...hmmm.  It will have to wait.  Too many have bad
feelings for Scrod right now.

Wow, we're doing quite well, aren't we?  Who says maintenance isn't a good thing?
*grin* -- Lady E.

Snotman -- Nuln's right.  Maintenance is a good thing.  You don't miss a turn that
way. :) -- Lady E.

Creepster -- Why, we massage many people's backs.  We also massage whatevers...so
long as that whatever is not usually covered by grape leaves like in old Fratsfan
paintings.  But that's not why we get 5-0's...we get 5-0's and 4-1's because the gods
and goddesses love us.  That and we just have The Touch!   That and our esteemed
Stud's sage wisdom and advice. -- Lady E.

Lord Xiang -- My sincere apologies.  I will email you soon.  Just been so busy...
that and I need to find the email that had your email. :) -- Lady E.

A-Sop -- See...I didn't forget. :) -- Lady E

Ed. -- Hello!  Lunch soon?  I believe we are going Hawaiian, right? -- Lady E

     Right.  Just not on Monday, that being the ancient Hawaiian day of not feeding
     the pakeha.  Come to think of it pakeha is from the wrong island, isn't it? --
     Ed., only mildly confused (but it's early yet)

Lord Underchin -- You know, I think I actually remember you playing Toe-Jam at
Ladyhawk's place many, many, many moons ago.  Didn't you lose to their young son? --
Lady E.

Death Stud -- Thanks for all your help.  I shall endeavor to take your teachings and
actually challenge...maybe.  I'm doing so well without challenging at the moment that
I don't want to change a good thing.  Unless I have to challenge for TOGS?  Do I? --
Lady E.

Dear Stud Muffin, oh great overseer of TOGS -- Is this enough personal ads, because
I've lost last turn and am just going from a turn before or something like that. --
Lady E.

To all TOGS participants -- Good luck and may the best team win. -- Indimar Fallon

Pauly -- Probably a good thing you didn't enter TOGS.  You know--that whole if you
can't run with the big dogs thing. -- Indimar

Barnabas -- I have been reading your personals in some other arenas and I think you
are giving Elephant a run for his money king of smack wise. -- Indimar

Cyberpunk -- If you say you're not Elephant that's good enough for me. -- I.F.

Lord Xiang -- I'm here, I'm here.  Try not to panic so much; it'll send a bad message
to our opponents. -- Seraphim

TOGS teams -- Good luck.  (We'll need it.) -- Seraphim

And we thought this was going to be easy.  My prediction?  Twenty-two pages for this
newsletter. -- Ghoti

     *sound of a gentle thud as Ed. faints*

LHI -- I hope this is the place.  If not, I just wrote my first spotlight in a decade
for naught. -- TUM

Sentinel -- Thanks for hosting this fine contest.  If nothing else, it's taught me
how to write personals again.  Imagine, actually communicating with other managers.
Freaky. -- TUM

All -- I hope points aren't awarded on volume of writing.  Suave is costing me a lot
per word. -- TUM

Crazy Creeps -- I figured I only needed two warriors to score as many points as
everyone else. -- Manager

Flower(7629) -- You're HORRIBLE.  Off to the DA with you! -- Sunshine

Aradi -- I've returned to his fair city after an extended absence to participate in
the TOGS.  It looks like the group of warriors I sent ahead of me has managed to well
in my absence.  I only hope I don't screw them up by being here.  Good luck to all of
you! -- Samwise the Bald, mgr. Childhood Trauma

Mannequin -- Good luck to you, partner!  I'll try not to be an anchor. -- Samwise the

Seraphim and Billy Ray Xiang -- I know this is a long time coming but, HEY!  How the
heck are you guys?  It was great meeting and hanging with you at the face.  Seraphim,
sorry I didn't win two TC's....  But I prolly would have been up against a fave's
modified warrior in TOGS if I did....  Good luck and it's great you two are here for
this ridiculously fun contest. -- Hombre

Snotto and Ed. -- Methinks that was a Pandora's type box (easy Creepster) you opened
with the allowance of the afforementioned Nuln's nut sack....  As if the rest of
Nuln's possessions weren't already discussed enough.... -- Hombre

     Compared to some of what comes along during the TOGS, Nuln's nut sack is pretty
     innocuous (sorry, Nuln). -- Ed.


All -- Well it has started and I want to wish you all good luck.  May this be
enjoyable for all. -- Soultaker

A-Sop -- I heard you have been dropping your cookies? -- Soultaker

Lady Elysian -- Any chance on getting some rubbing? -- Soultaker

Nuln -- You sure talk funny now. -- Soultaker

Samwise -- Hope you made the first turn without getting a hangnail or anything. --

Lord Xiang -- It is a shame that Doc Lama$e didn't show; now who are you going to
beat? -- Soultaker

Farmer boB -- Up in arms, I am with ya.  Bring back the entertainment. -- Soultaker

Mannequin -- I sure hope you are able to keep up this time.  You might want to take
notes as you go so you can remember who all is whippin your backside. -- Soultaker

Creepster -- What can I say, please go away. -- Soultaker

Rillion -- Really looking forward to see how this is going to work out.  Is TGG going
to still set up your matches and instruct your warriors? -- Soultaker

Ultraist -- Good to see the big dog off the porch.  Looking forward to seeing you do
well. -- Soultaker

Ganolus -- Down with the FONZ!  I hope you had a great tourney. -- Soultaker

Death Stud -- Suck it up, partner.  I use that term lightly.  It is a shame I have to
start out with using one of my avoids on my own partner. -- Soultaker

Last week's memorable quote:  "Nothing ruined the ambience of a good bar the way a
divine manifestation could."

All -- I am pleased to at long last have the TOGS underway.  Welcome to all, newcomer
and oldtimer alike.  May you all fail miserably and have a blast while you're at it.
-- Death Stud

Lord Xiang -- Your utter and complete failure, your complete decimation and
humiliation will be a sweet elixir which I plan to savor as I use it to wash down the
fruits of my victory.  Team #301, avoid it. -- Death Stud
P.S.  That's the Aradi way of saying, "good to have you here."

     What kind of fruits do you get?  If it's ripe mangos, will you share? -- Ed.

Aradi Resort & Spa -- Another good week of fights for y'all.  Lady Elysian clearly
has developed a strong grasp on the finer points of warrior management. -- Death Stud

Ganolus -- I can't believe that you would disrespect my strategy choice so cruelly by
insinuating that I was throwing the fight.  I was merely trying to think outside the
box and try something new, honest.  I just wanted for you to be able to savor the
feeling of a win against my team since you won't be partaking of that particular
pleasure for at least thirteen turns. -- Death Stud

Aragorn -- What's up?  Just prepping?  There's a lot of boring arenas to do that in.
When you step into a steaming pile of Aradi, you're supposed to breathe deep of the
gentle aroma, embrace it, enjoy it, and share it with your friends.  I hope you're
here for the long haul. -- Death Stud

Nuln --
-- Death Stud

Snotman -- Good to have you back, you dirty little snarf. -- Stud

Asshe-Master -- Regarding the shanking, I did go kinda nutso there at the end.
Sometimes when I'm hopped up on the kind sheeott I get a little aggro.  Sorry, man. -
- Falcon

Lord Xiang -- In anticipation of your response this turn, I would just like to say
that you are cute when you're indignant. -- Death Stud

Final TOGS teams below.  I'm still waiting for a response from Dmobster on his team
name, so hopefully I'll have that soon and will post it on the DM forums.  Good luck
and happy writing to everyone! -- Death Stud
   TEAM 1  -- Lady Elysian / A-Sop
             Aradi Resort & Spa / Bugs, Slugs & Thugs
   TEAM 2  -- Samwise the Bald / Mannequin
             Childhood Trauma / Bikini Bottom
   TEAM 3  -- Soultaker / Death Stud
             Goin' Tubin' / Death Studs VII
   TEAM 4  -- Lord Xiang / Seraphim
             AARP / Dilligaf Legion
   TEAM 5  -- Ultraist / Jekyll
             Elements of Power / Medical Biohazard
   TEAM 6  -- The Creepster / Manager
             Crazy Creeps / Superior Forces 16
   TEAM 7  -- Hombre / Ganolus Oakleaf
             The Bizzle / Silent Warriors
   TEAM 8  -- Rillion / Rascally Rabbit
             Demons of Darkness / Saab Story
   TEAM 9  -- Nuln / Snotman
             4000 Blows / Wild Cards
   TEAM 10 -- Farmer boB / Mission
             Cheer-O-Kee's / The Misguided
   TEAM 11 -- Indimar Fallon / Cyber Punk
             Wing Hove / Atlas Park
   TEAM 12 -- Street Legal / Ghoti
             My Best Buds 2 / Ogres Are Us
   TEAM 13 -- TUM / Things I'll Never Get
             LHI / Inquisition SG-1
   TEAM 14 -- TigToad / Dark Toads
             Dmobster / ???????

All -- I've been posting updates and information on the Duel2 (gag) forums between
turns to get information out.  Anyone who does not monitor those forums may want to
email me let me know so I can be sure to email them any pertinent info.  Also, can
y'all chime in on if there is any interest or not in a TOGS Yahoogroup mailing list.
I'm not a huge fan of forum sites and prefer my good ol' email, but I know not every
feels the same.  Please let me know your preference on the Yahoogroup email list and
if there is enough interest, I'll set one up. -- Death Stud

Shaman -- Out of seclusion, and becoming literate again, and hating you for it. --

Hello, Aradi!  My Best Buds 2 have returned to claim the Golden Scrod!  We have
teamed with a worthy band of Ogres.  Luckily they are too "affected" to notice the
pungent Ogre aroma to achieve this end.  I've noticed friends and enemies have come
seeking the coveted scrod and I humbly apologize that they may not attain their goal.
All are welcome to join us at any time for a little "Purple Haze" but we send special
invite to Barnabas to enjoy our special blend, developed during our hiatus from
Aradi! -- Street Legal, mgr. My Best Buds 2

All -- I'll look at the newsletter next cycle and answer everything I missed this
cycle. -- A-Sop

     Suuuure you will.  *grin* -- Ed.

One-Timer -- Oh, gosh, that's so good!  Thank you!  I really didn't want to be the
Duel2Dog today.  Just give me another scratch behind the ears and off you go, okay?
-- The Tail, wagging

Enoch Peabody -- That's very strange.  (sniff)  Yes, I can see it's TRUE, but it's
very strange.  Your body is actually MADE of peas.  Only a human would think of that.
-- Stevie

Devourer -- Oh, hey, I can devour more than you can!  I'm a dog, after all.  We eat
almost everything, and what we don't eat, we roll in. -- Bully Boy

Smirlin -- (sniffing)  You don't smell like an ogre, you smell like a dwarf.  Are you
a dwarf ogre? -- Flower

Xiang -- Not a problem.  My other end works, too.  I'll bite them. -- The Tail

Son of Bloodlust -- (eagerly)  With frisbees? -- Flower

Dr Chim -- Well, of course!  You had to lie down before I could roll on you.  I don't
roll on just FEET, you know. -- Bully Boy

Ghoti -- Good to see you back. -- Spot, Red Dog Gang, not in TOGS, just in Aradi

Lord, or as it might be Lady, Protector Headrock -- We gave up doing "lands for
gladiators" some time ago, and the result has been truly fine.  So don't look for
anything like that. -- Arenamaster Harkon

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

FLOWER was viciously butchered by MARINE TROLL in a 2 minute bloody Dark Arena fight.
KISS ME DEADLY was slaughtered by STONE GOLEM in a 1 minute Dark Arena battle.
X was murdered by GARGOYLE PRINCE in a 2 minute gruesome Dark Arena fight.
XX was butchered by MARINE TROLL in a 1 minute gory Dark Arena contest.
I R SUCKY was assassinated by STONE GOLEM in a 2 minute bloody Dark Arena match.
BIG N WEAK was butchered by GARGOYLE PRINCE in a popular 1 minute Dark Arena duel.
ONE LAST CRY was executed by JORGE BLACK ORC in a 2 minute bloody Dark Arena brawl.
WEED was assassinated by BORED ELF in a 1 minute Dark Arena melee.
PANTHER won victory over DERALD in a action packed 1 minute expert's Challenge duel.
HURRICANE XXXVII overpowered SNOW WHITE in a popular 3 minute uneven Challenge duel.
MALT-O-MEAL overpowered WALMART GREETER in a 2 minute one-sided Challenge melee.
SUNSHINE was defeated by OXYGEN TANK in a exciting 3 minute Challenge match.
TINY TIM was viciously subdued by HEADROCK in a 4 minute master's Challenge conflict.
HOLLY SKULL was unbelievably bested by ONE-TIMER in a 3 minute Challenge Title bout.
TAY STARLE won victory over SYDA HAMMIE in a 1 minute master's Challenge bout.
DERRIN handily defeated BUTTERFLY in a 4 minute mismatched Challenge bout.
HOSCHA was overpowered by MOUSE in a 1 minute brutal one-sided Challenge bout.
LIMA BEANS was savagely defeated by JAMIS in a popular 2 minute Challenge match.
FUN IN THE BARN bested INIGO in a popular 1 minute Challenge contest.
DEVOURER was assassinated by HYQ in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE overpowered THALIA in a 1 minute uneven Challenge fray.
VIPER LXXI handily defeated NIGHT HAG in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge contest.
KRAKEN was overpowered by WILSON FERGUSON in a 1 minute uneven Challenge fight.
HOLSTIEN HEAVEN luckily beat YELLOW JACKET in a 6 minute gruesome Challenge fight.
LOUKMAD was overpowered by CIALIS in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
THE AVENGING SCROD won victory over BOSTON TERRIER in a 2 minute Challenge bout.
CHIM RICHALDS dispatched NATASHA in a popular 1 minute Challenge fray.
PREIA slimly lost to BIN LADEN in a 2 minute Challenge bout.
CRUSADER overcame CLINTON in a 2 minute novice vs. veteran upset Challenge duel.
LEG WARMER LUST vanquished WHITE WITCH in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fray.
RACOON HAMMER luckily beat HILLARY in a popular 3 minute gory Challenge match.
BLOODLUST MUTE overpowered VAS DEFERENS in a 3 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
4-FT PARTY BONG was put to death by FALCON XLI in a 1 minute master's match.
THE TAIL won victory over IN PARI DELICTO in a exciting 1 minute master's fight.
SEHENSTES was subdued by BLUE BEANIE in a action packed 1 minute veteran's struggle.
SMIRLIN defeated STEVIE in a crowd pleasing 1 minute veteran's match.
NAPPY DUGOUT demolished FLOWER in a popular 1 minute one-sided duel.
WARAGEN slimly won victory over STORM in a exciting 4 minute master's bout.
VOLMAX viciously subdued PHREAK in a popular 2 minute brutal veteran's duel.
MISS UNDERSTOOD slimly lost to VIRGINAL GIGOLO in a 2 minute brutal master's duel.
SHMAMY CROCKETT overcame FIRE in a crowd pleasing 1 minute duel.
DR. FEELGOOD outlasted NINJA in a tiresome 13 minute brawl.
SONETT overcame G DUBYAH in a crowd pleasing 1 minute melee.
MANDA was subdued by VENREK in a popular 3 minute match.
MYSTERY narrowly defeated RUTHLESS JAYWALKER in a 2 minute gruesome fight.
HURTICANE savagely defeated PINTO BEANS in a action packed 5 minute gory bout.
ANALISE unbelievably bested BULLY BOY in a exciting 4 minute brutal duel.
ZIPPER was handily defeated by MEALS ON WHEELS in a 1 minute one-sided bout.
JACK THE RIPPER was savagely defeated by COYOTE in a popular 3 minute bloody fight.
FRANK unbelievably bested TYVEK in a exciting 3 minute bloody conflict.
KARMA CHAMELEON subdued OSO in a crowd pleasing 3 minute gory battle.
HYDRO ON THE D-LO bested SIGMOID COLON in a exciting 3 minute match.
SUTTY was devastated by TEMPLAR in a 2 minute gory one-sided brawl.
DE NOVO lost to MARY JANE in a 5 minute struggle.
LOOSE DENTURES was overpowered by SPAM SANDWICH in a 1 minute mismatched fight.
SMALL INTESTINE easily killed BOVINE ASSASIAN in a 2 minute brutal one-sided contest.
ETTIN was overpowered by DERS in a 1 minute one-sided duel.
HOWLER was outwaited by TECHNISQUID in a 7 minute battle.
EUSTACHIAN was overcome by HARSIESUS in a crowd pleasing 1 minute bout.
FALOPIAN savagely defeated DRIZZLE in a crowd pleasing 2 minute brutal bout.
GOOFY won victory over ATALAN in a 1 minute duel.
STARLING beat FLAMENCO A GO-GO in a slow 3 minute fight.
PIZNAUL JIZNOKE overpowered GRAFFIX in a 1 minute uneven melee.
GADGET was overpowered by SILENT SPOCKER in a 1 minute one-sided battle.
ZIG-ZAG MAN vanquished LIQUID DOOM in a 1 minute one-sided fight.
TIGER TY devastated AXESHI in a 1 minute uneven match.
ERRA EVAD was bested by ASGARD in a exciting 1 minute novice's bout.
CANSAVE LAME was beaten by NINE HUNDRED in a popular 2 minute novice's fight.
SUGAR BOTTOMS devastated TYVIN LXIX in a 1 minute mismatched duel.
CLAPTON executed OPERA in a 1 minute one-sided conflict.
DEATH SPONGE subdued RANDOM in a 2 minute amateur's duel.
PORN STARR killed LIVER in a 1 minute novice vs. expert upset fight.
SQUIGGNERD viciously subdued CHIP in a action packed 1 minute brutal amateur's match.
KREE was vanquished by STORM FIRE in a crowd pleasing 1 minute brutal one-sided fight.
ANTHRAX was handily defeated by JADE in a 1 minute uneven conflict.
BRAE'TAC demolished TOWN BICYCLE in a exciting 3 minute mismatched bout.
GREEN DISEASE was unbelievably bested by JAVA in a 2 minute novice's match.
COBRA XXI savagely defeated DEMOLITION MAN in a exciting 2 minute novice's fray.
AN AVERAGE JOE demolished 9000 in a exciting 1 minute one-sided contest.
MADONNA was beaten by NULN'S NUTSACK in a exciting 3 minute gruesome beginner's duel.
TRINITY handily defeated CALDER in a 1 minute uneven match.
HEAVEN was savagely defeated by ZEROSE in a 2 minute bloody novice's competition.
CONDI was demolished by RUKGAZ in a 1 minute one-sided bout.
DOA defeated AMANDA in a popular 2 minute gory beginner's competition.
AQUA NETTA overpowered TRUSTWORTHY SCRIBE in a 1 minute one-sided bout.
CRASS won victory over RAZE in a exciting 1 minute amateur's fight.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|LUNGING ATTACK                  37         TOTAL PARRY       92 -  62 -  2      60  |
|TOTAL PARRY                     28         LUNGING ATTACK    99 -  85 - 11      54  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                 27         WALL OF STEEL     38 -  43 -  5      47  |
|AIMED BLOW                      21         SLASHING ATTACK   46 -  54 -  4      46  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                 17         PARRY-LUNGE        9 -  13 -  0      41  |
|WALL OF STEEL                   13         AIMED BLOW        35 -  51 -  1      41  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   8         STRIKING ATTACK   57 -  87 -  6      40  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    4         BASHING ATTACK    25 -  40 -  2      38  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      3         PARRY-STRIKE       9 -  20 -  1      31  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     3         PARRY-RIPOSTE     12 -  27 -  0      31  |

Turn 388 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

PARRY-LUNGE        2 -  1     AIMED BLOW         9 - 12         5  TOTAL PARRY    
WALL OF STEEL      8 -  5     STRIKING ATTACK   10 - 17         3  LUNGING ATTACK 
SLASHING ATTACK    9 -  8     PARRY-STRIKE       1 -  2         1  WALL OF STEEL  
LUNGING ATTACK    19 - 18     PARRY-RIPOSTE      1 -  3         1  SLASHING ATTACK
BASHING ATTACK     4 -  4                                       1  STRIKING ATTACK
TOTAL PARRY       14 - 14     

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
TOTAL PARRY      ONE-TIMER 7169             27   5  0  110 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
LUNGING ATTACK   HOLLY SKULL 7276           15  13  0  104 CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
SLASHING ATTACK  SMIRLIN 6568               15  13  0   97 OGRES ARE US (270)
STRIKING ATTACK  SEHENSTES 7339             12  10  2   86 VOUGEOOT (464)
BASHING ATTACK   VOLMAX 7592                 3   0  0   82 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
AIMED BLOW       DERALD 7285                 8   7  0   70 4000 BLOWS (107)
WALL OF STEEL    STORM 4741                  9   6  0   66 ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is NAPPY DUGOUT 6080.  The most popular warrior this 
turn was DERRIN 6952.  The ten other most popular fighters were HURTICANE 4740, 
7379, CLINTON 7612, HILLARY 7647, STORM 4741, and VOLMAX 7592.

The least popular fighter this week was NINJA 7357.  The other ten least popular 
fighters were DR. FEELGOOD 7130, FLAMENCO A GO-GO 7662, MARY JANE 7173, HOLSTIEN 
HEAVEN 7674, RAZE 7732, CONDI 7613, CALDER 7784, DEMOLITION MAN 7733, BRAE'TAC 6895, 
and ANTHRAX 7669.

The following warriors have traveled to AD after fighting this turn:

HEADROCK (60-3430) OGRES ARE US (270)