Date   : 05/19/2006    Duedate: 06/01/2006


DM-60    TURN-390

This Weeks Top Honors


(60-6461) [19-15-1,125]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

FALCON XLI                     VOLMAX
(60-7341) [12-10-3,170]        (60-7592) [4-1-0,98]

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

NAPPY DUGOUT                   SEHENSTES
WILD CARDS (148)               VOUGEOOT (464)
(60-6080) [22-26-1,97]         (60-7339) [13-10-2,105]



Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)   64
2. VOUGEOOT (464)              61      CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
3. 4000 BLOWS (107)            46      Unchartered Team
4. SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)  43
5. DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)  36      BIKINI BOTTOM (596)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 1*BIKINI BOTTOM (596)       12   3  3 80.0   1/ 4*BIKINI BOTTOM (596)      12  3 3
 2/ 2*INQUISITION SG-1 (540)    11   7  1 61.1   2/ 1 DEATH STUDS VII (301)    12  3 2
 3/ 3 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)    23  15  1 60.5   3/ 2 4000 BLOWS (107)         12  3 1
 4/ 4 SAAB STORY (389)         121  89  9 57.6   4/ 8 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 10  5 0
 5/ 5 ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)  30  23  1 56.6   5/12*INQUISITION SG-1 (540)    9  6 1
 6/ 6 DEATH STUDS VII (301)    435 360 14 54.7   6/ 7 WILD CARDS (148)          9  6 0
 7/ 7 CRAZY CREEPS (207)       502 425 15 54.2   7/13 WING HOVE (529)           9  6 0
 8/ 9 WILD CARDS (148)         736 665 30 52.5   8/ 3 SILENT WARRIORS (561)     9  6 0
 9/10 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 183 172 12 51.5   9/15 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)    9  6 0
10/ 8*AARP (583)                18  17  0 51.4  10/21 CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)       8  7 0
11/11 GOIN' TUBIN' (577)       120 115  6 51.1  11/ 5*AARP (583)                8  7 0
12-15*PHILANTHROPISTS (594)      2   2  0 50.0  12/17*THE BIZZLE (593)          8  7 0
13/12 SILENT WARRIORS (561)     43  44  3 49.4  13/19*DARK TOADS (590)          7  5 0
14/17 WING HOVE (529)           54  56  3 49.1  14/14 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      7  8 0
15/13*ATLAS PARK (592)          18  19  1 48.6  15/18*THE BUNKHOUSE (595)       7  8 0
16/14*THE BIZZLE (593)          16  17  2 48.5  16/29*SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586)  6  7 0
17/19 4000 BLOWS (107)         624 679 30 47.9  17/20*ATLAS PARK (592)          6  8 0
18/23 CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)       81  89  3 47.6  18/30*THINGS ILL NEVER G (601)  6  9 0

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
19/18 OGRES ARE US (270)       153 169  2 47.5  19/ 6 ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)  6  9 0
20/21 ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)   31  35  1 47.0  20/34 VOUGEOOT (464)            5  4 2
21/20 THE MISGUIDED (559)       74  84  0 46.8  21/22 SAAB STORY (389)          5  5 0
22/26*THE BUNKHOUSE (595)       14  16  0 46.7  22/35*MEDICAL BIOHAZARD  (585)  5  9 1
23/24 METAL MELTDOWN (344)     290 336 21 46.3  23/ 9*BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591)  5  9 0
24/22 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      41  49  1 45.6  24/33 GOIN' TUBIN' (577)        5 10 1
25/25 LEGALESE (449)           147 180  5 45.0  25/25*DILEN'S HORDE (587)       5 10 1
26/29 VOUGEOOT (464)            75  98  8 43.4  26/24 THE MISGUIDED (559)       5 10 0
27/27*DILEN'S HORDE (587)       15  20  1 42.9  27/11 OGRES ARE US (270)        5 10 0
28-30 RESCUE RANGERS (362)      13  18  0 41.9  28/16 CRAZY CREEPS (207)        5 10 0
29/31 FUNKY FOLK (565)          28  41  3 40.6  29-23*THIRSTY THUGS (600)       4  6 0
30/36*THINGS ILL NEVER G (601)   6   9  0 40.0  30/10*DILLIGAF LEGION (589)     4  9 0
31-33*THIRSTY THUGS (600)        4   6  0 40.0  31-27 RESCUE RANGERS (362)      3  4 0
32/28*BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591)  15  23  2 39.5  32/36 ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)   3 12 0
33-34 RED DOG GANG (476)       330 535  4 38.2  33/31 LEGALESE (449)            2  4 0
34/32*DILLIGAF LEGION (589)     12  21  0 36.4  34-32*WRECKING CREW (598)       2  5 0
35/35*DARK TOADS (590)           7  13  0 35.0  35-28 RED DOG GANG (476)        1  3 0
36/38*SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586)   8  16  0 33.3  36/37 METAL MELTDOWN (344)      0  4 0
37/39*MEDICAL BIOHAZARD  (585)   7  17  1 29.2  37/39 FUNKY FOLK (565)          0  2 0
38-37*WRECKING CREW (598)        2   5  0 28.6  38-38*PHILANTHROPISTS (594)     0  1 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                    TEAM SPOTLIGHT

      + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Superior Forces, TOGS Turn #3 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     It was that time of year again.  It was TOGS of course--but for Manager, it was
also the time of the year where he gave good luck gifts to each of the TOGS teams.
This tradition began way back in the first TOGS and had carried on in each subsequent
edition.  (Well, except for the last one when he pretended to be someone else.)  Now
it was almost expected by the denizens of Aradi.  Manager was pleased.  Not only was
it a very Andorian thing to do, it was also a nice way to make the other teams feel
better about the scummings that they would soon receive.
     Manager stood outside the entrance to the managerial lounge and greeted the
teams as they arrived.  Half of the teams had already come through to get their
gifts.  Some of the managers were difficult to shop for this time around.
Fortunately, nut sacks were in, which meant that everyone needed nuts.  A-Sop and
Lady Elysian got some almonds.  DMobster and TigToad and received pecans.  Nuln and
Snotman got an assortment of mixed nuts.
     "Thanks again for the coasters!" said Cyber Punk as he and Indimar headed into
the lounge.
     "Those aren't coasters, it's a Kelly Clarkson CD!" Manager shouted back.  Some
people just didn't have any taste whatsoever.
     TUM and LHI approached from the left corner of the arena.
     "Hey, Manager, is it true you're giving gifts?" LHI was always looking for a
     "I am!  Welcome to TOGS!  We're glad to have you!"  Manager reached into his bag
and gave a stack of colored sheets to TUM and LHI.
     "What are these?" asked TUM, "They look familiar...I've seen these before but I
can't place them."
     "They look like the things we fill out at Face to Face tournaments...." noted
     "Yeah!  Except...they're in color...and two sided!" exclaimed TUM in disbelief.
     Manager sighed.  "Those are basic arena strategy sheets!"
     "Aha!" gasped TUM, "I knew they looked familiar.  Uh--why are they two sided
     "For your challenge strategies!" Manager answered incredulously.
     "What are challenges?" asked LHI.
     Manager shook his head.  It would probably take hours to teach LHI and TUM to
fill out a basic arena strategy sheet.  And that would then lead to a discussion
about what an arena newsletter was.  It was time for a distraction.  "Look!  Over
there!  A +4 Defense Aimed Blow that hasn't been recruited to a team yet!"
     "Where?"  TUM and LHI ran off, fooled by Manager's ruse.
     Behind them were Samwise and Mannequin.  Mannequin bent down to tie his
shoelaces.  The sudden stop caused Mission, who happened to be rollerblading through
the area, to swerve and crash into a tree, killing him.
     "Oops!" said Mannequin as he stood up.
     Manager pretended not to notice.  "So, I got you guys a gift.  It was hard
because you two are managers who have almost everything you could ever want already."
     "It's the thought that counts," said the always-gracious Samwise.
     "I hope you like it." Manager grabbed two books out of his sack and gave them to
Samwise and Mannequin.  "It's an autographed copy of my latest book: _How I Won the
First Ever TOGS_.  I figured that since a TOGS trophy was something that neither of
you have yet, you could use my book as a blueprint to your success."
     "That's...swell...." said Samwise, trying to be polite.
     Mannequin began to flip through the book.  Suddenly, the book slipped out of his
hand and was carried away by gust of wind.  It hit Farmer boB in the chest, instantly
stopping his heart and killing him.
     "Sheesh.  Would you stop killing people already?" yelled Samwise.
     "What?  Don't blame me!  It was an accident!" Mannequin shouted in retort.  The
sudden raising of his voice carried into the lounge and startled A-Stop, causing her
to throw her drinking glass.  The glass shattered as it hit the ceiling.  A shard of
glass happened to hit Ghoti's neck, slicing it open and killing him.
     Manager decided it would be best to stay away from Mannequin for the moment and
took a few steps to the left.  There he ran into Jekyll, Ultraist, Rillion and
Rascally Rabbit who were having a heated argument about Tripwire.
     "I think it's totally lame that Tripwire is not running five warriors in Arvat!"
Rillion complained.
     "Tripwire can play any way that he wants!" retorted Jekyll.
     "Yes, he can, but I have every right to think it's lame," said Rillion.
     "Not as lame as your record in Free Blades." pointed out Ultraist.
     "Wanna hear about the time Won Too Many runner upped?" asked Rascally Rabbit.
     "No!" all three of the managers retorted in unison.
     Manager smiled because he realized that he had bought all of them the perfect
gift.  "If you don't mind me interjecting, I have the solution to your dilemma."
     "The solution is that I kick Rillion's ass in Free Blades again." cried
     "No." sighed Manager, "See, this is what happens when the Delarquan and Free
Blade style of play clashes.  Pointless fighting and bickering.  This would never
happen if you all had Andorian values.  It's clear that you all need a vacation.
Some time to get away and experience the Andorian way and live like we do in peace
and tranquility."  Manager grabbed several certificates and handed one to each of the
     "What is it?" asked Rillion.
     "It's a personal invitation from Kennelworth to run in Aruak City to experience
the heart of Andorian values!  It's just what you guys need!  No need to thank me!"
Manager ran off before the bickering managers could respond--he had caught a glimpse
of Street Legal out of the corner of his eye.
     "Hey, Street!" greeted Manager.
     "Where is he?  Where is that cheater?!?!?" an infuriated Street Legal ran past
Manager and started to chase LHI, who was chasing a random passerby who was so
obviously not +4 in Defense.  With amazing speed and deftness, Street Legal caught
LHI and tackled them to the ground.  The two of them began to brawl.
     "Hey, that was a great tackle!" noted TUM, "I never knew Street was bonused in
     "Knock it off!" said Samwise, who ran over and tried futilely to break up the
     "I'll handle it." Mannequin drew his Epee (the classic weapon of a Parry-
Riposte) and beheaded them both.
     Samwise glared at him.
     "Ok, that time it wasn't an accident." Mannequin shrugged.
     During the commotion, Manager noticed Death Stud and Soultaker trying to sneak
in.  (Actually he noticed Soultaker and assumed Death Stud was with him.)  He
instantly ran up and approached them.
     "Good afternoon, you defending TOGS Champs!" chirped Manager.
     "No thanks!" snorted Death Stud, "I see what you're doing.  Every TOGS it's the
same thing.  You give gifts to people that no one wants!  Well, it's not going to
work on us this time.  We don't want your gifts!"
     "Well, actually I didn't get you anything...." Manager's voice trailed off.
     "What?" gasped Death Stud, "That is an outrage!  I never knew you were so bitter
about us winning TOGS the last time!"
     "No, that's not it at all." replied Manager, "I just figured I gave you the best
gift of all already when I won you a TC last Summer."
     "Pshaw!" snorted Death Stud, "Any competent manager could have won that TC."
     "Maybe, but remember what happened to your other TC contenders when Soultaker
proxied them at the same tourney?" whispered Manager.
     "Oh you're right!" conceded Death Stud, "You're the best, Manager!" he said, as
he hugged Manager's ankle.
     "What about me?" asked Soultaker, feeling left out.
     "Don't do it," lectured Death Stud, "You know he got you something worthless.
He always does."
     "That's so unfair!  I can't believe you would think that of me..." Manager
feigned to be hurt, "I actually spent the most money on Soultaker's gift this year."
Manager reached into his sack and pulled a custom made, beautiful piece of Chain Mail
armor and handed it to Soultaker.
     "Wow!" gasped Soultaker, "It's beautiful!  But it only looks half done.  There's
no front side on it at all."
     "I figured you didn't need any protection in the front--because when Death Stud
stabs you again--it will be in the back!" Manager laughed as Death Stud glared at
him.  It was well known that Manager was happy about the rift he had caused between
the two close friends.  Without warning, Seraphim approached the trio.
     "Heyeth!  Have you guys seen my partnereth?" he asked.
     "Yeah.  He's dead.  Mannequin accidentally killed him at the pub." replied
     "Thankseth!  I'll checketh for him thereth!" said Seraphim as he merrily walked
off.  The two FONZ members gave each other a flabbergasted look.
     "You know, there was something different about Seraphim--but I just can't put my
finger on it!" said Death Stud.
     "Yeah..." said Soultaker, "It was like he was talking differently or something."
     "No, it wasn't that at all, you unalert nincompoops!" Hombre, who had been
eavesdropping, decided to chime in.  "He has a new nut sack!  How could you guys not
     "That must have been it!" said Death Stud, relieved.
     Manager shook his head in disbelief.  For the next TOGS, he made a mental note
to buy Death Stud a detective kit.  With the last of his gifts given out, he went to
retire in the managerial lounge.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     The day was overcast, always threatening to rain, but never quite delivering on
that threat.  A fierce wind came in off the water, chilling anyone that dared to stay
outside more than five minutes.  Weather like this had slowed the repairs and
upgrades to the new facilities, but that meant little, as there was currently no one
to train as of yet.
     But now that he had a location for offices and training, Lord Xiang posted the
new address on fliers, criers, and with street urchins, stating he was looking for
'experienced gladiators wanted to compete in the upcoming TOGS contest.'  Wonder of
wonders, applicants, hopefuls really, began stopping by (now that the way was marked
properly) to try their luck.  His lordship was picky about who he allowed to fight
under his banner.  History meant nothing to him, but they should know which end of
the weapon was dangerous.
     It had been a slow day when a wagon, driven by an old man and carrying a young
boy as passenger, came to a stop in front of the main building.  This had the look of
peddlers, or possibly beggars.  Either way, they would be sent on their way in short
order.  Of course, Lord Xiang would need to do this himself, as he has yet to have
hired even the first of his stable of fine warriors, let alone a staff for the house.
     "Greetings, Grandfather.  I am Xiang, lord and master of these grounds.  I am
sorry, but I am not in need of anything yet, so the wares you have under that tarp
had better stay there, to avoid wasting your time."
     All the while Lord Xiang was talking, the old man walked to the back of the
wagon, and arthritically pulled the tarp off what it was protecting.  Armor, the
likes of which had not been seen since the days of the Van, except in museums,
glittered in the sun, polished brightly.  The man gestured to the youngster, who then
dismounted and ran to the back as well, starting to reach for the armor.
     "Grandfather, no. I am sorry once again.  That youngling is not old enough to
compete in the arena, and besides, I am searching for experienced warriors to fill my
stable."  It was then that the old man spoke for the first time.
     "Milord, I am the gladiator come to try out for your team.  I need my grandson's
help to don and doff the armor.  Nothing more.  I will stand in the training circle
and await your trainer to step forward to test my mettle."  With that, the man put
the armor on, well versed in its use, and readily apparent to any that cared to look.
Shaking his head, Lord Xiang donned the padded armor he wore when he sparred, picked
up his training swords, and stepped forward, into the training ring.  After more than
twenty minutes of sparring in the ring, Lord Xiang realized this man knew how to
fight, and fight well, too!
     "If you are going to fight on my team, you will need a name that the fans can
call you.  What is your trade, when you are not in the arena, that is."
     "I work in a merchant establishment, known through all Alastari for its fair
prices.  A place called Wal-Mart.  I am the person that greets the customers as they
walk in the front door.  I am a Wal-Mart Greeter."

             + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Silent Warriors ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                  -ARADI GONE NUTS-

     "Get a nut!  Get your nuts here!" the vendor screamed as he peddled his wares in
between bouts at the arena in Aradi.  His nut sack dangled wildly between his legs as
he turned at the bottom of the aisle and prepared to make his way back up into the
stands.  It was a particularly hot and humid day in Aradi and the vendor was sweating
profusely.  Perspiration ran off his chin, softly splattering onto the pouch in which
he carried his wares.  "Get a nut!  Get your nuts here!"
     Ganolus, Dilen, and Hombre sat together in the stands, quietly talking amongst
themselves as they watched the vendor.  "I'm telling you guys," Ganolus was saying,
"Aradi has turned into a regular nut house!"
     "Over here!" came a familiar whine.  It was Rascally Rabbit getting the vendor's
attention.  "Over here!  Do you have coconuts?  I love coconuts!"  A few fans sitting
around Rascally began to snicker, but he paid no attention to them.  He was much too
excited and focused on getting some coconuts.
     "What the heck!?!" asked Hombre as Ganolus and Dilen were fighting to control
fits of laughter.  "Did Rascally just say what I think he did?"
     "They are actually Aradiadamia nuts dipped in dark chocolate then rolled in
coconut shavings." explained Ganolus.  "But it's pretty funny, huh?"  The three
friends continued to stare in awe at Rascally's nut lust.
     The vendor knelt down beside Rascally Rabbit, setting his nut sack to the side.
He pulled a coconut out of his sweaty nut sack and held it up before the Rabbit.  "Do
you want this one on a stick?" he asked the eager Rabbit.
     "Do I ever!" answered Rascally. "That's the absolutely best way to eat coconuts!
Put that bad boy on a stick for me!"  Rascally eagerly accepted his prize, paid the
vendor, and immediately began eat his coconut like he was kid with an ice cream cone.
     Just then, Ghoti approached the vendor, accidentally stepping on his sack. "Get
off my wares!" the vendor roared as he stood up, towering over the weak little
     Ghoti glanced around and realized there weren't any Ogres to protect him from
the very average sized vendor.  He fearfully took a step back.  "I am so sorry Mr.
Vendor, sir.  I didn't mean to...."
     "Yah, yah," the vendor interrupted the cowering, pathetic excuse for a manager.
"Whatta ya want?"
     Ganolus, Hombre, and Dilen were laughing hysterically at this point.  Yet
somehow, they watched on.
     The trembling Ghoti mustered up just enough courage to continue.  "Well Mr.
Vendor, sir, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, I'd like to look at your nuts."
     The vendor propped his sack up so the weak little manager could see.  "Sure
thing, buddy.  Go ahead and take a look."
     Ghoti eagerly accepted the vendor's invitation.  He enthusiastically dove in
with both hands and began to fondle the vendor's nuts.
     The vendor snatched his nut sack away from the confused, nut loving Ghoti.
"Quit playing with my nuts, ya freak!" he shouted.
     Ghoti pathetically took another step back, cowering once again before the normal
looking vendor's wrath.  "I'll take that one please, Mr. Vendor, sir." Ghoti told the
vendor, pointing to a rather shriveled looking walnut.
     The vendor pulled a shriveled walnut out of his sack and placed it in Ghoti's
hand.  "There ya go buddy.  Enjoy!"
     Poor, weak, little Ghoti accepted the shriveled walnut as if it were first prize
in a contest.  He pulled the nut to his bosom and gingerly rocked back and forth with
it as he held the shriveled walnut in a tender, loving embrace.
     "Freakin' nut hugger!" the vendor accused rather disgustedly as he collected his
money and moved on.
     The intermission was just about over as the next two warriors entered the arena.
The three friends were still struggling to regain their composure.  Dilen wiped the
tears streaming from her eyes as she fought to restrain one last giggle.  She took a
couple of deep breaths and said, "What's next?  I hope those two don't come into my
shop anytime soon.  I won't be able to keep a straight face."  She glanced back at
Ghoti and Rascally Rabbit and then lost yet another battle to control her giggles.
     Hombre and Ganolus were having difficulty controlling their laughter as well.
Ganolus turned his attention towards the arena in an attempt to stop thinking about
the two crazy nuts.  He pointed to an advertisement sign along one of the arena
walls.  "Hey Dilen, looks like you got some competition."
     Hombre read the sign aloud.  "NUTS AND BUTTS...Nut Sacks, Fanny Packs, and
everything in between."  Once again he began to chuckle.  "Only in Aradi."
     Dilen pointed to another advertisement sign.  "Look Ganolus, the Nutcracker is
coming to Aradi!  Can we go, please?"
     Hombre interrupted.  "Oh yah, I forgot to tell you guys!  Manager is making his
debut and starring in the Nutcracker!  He gave us tickets.  He wants us to go opening
night."  Hombre handed Ganolus two tickets.
     Ganolus graciously accepted the tickets from his friend as he turned his
attention to the remaining advertisements along the arena walls.  One was an ad from
a toy store and read "Kick the ol' nut sack around...hacky nut sack is back, jack!"
and there was also an ad for a new digging tool called a squirrel.  The sign read
"Try the new Squirrel for all your digging needs.  Squirrels bury their nuts deep!"
Ganolus shook his head, laughing once more.  "When will it end?" he wondered out
     There was a loud commotion coming from up in the stands and the vendor was back.
Apparently Ghoti had tried to swallow the shriveled walnut whole and was choking on
it.  The vendor pounded the weakling manager on the back and finally dislodged the
nut.  "Alright nut hugger, next time get your nuts crushed" the vendor advised.
     Rascally Rabbit piped in. "Or try a coconut,like me." he advised, licking his
     Ganolus turn to his friends. "It's official, Aradi has gone nuts!"


-- Ganolus, Silent Warriors

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

Tidbits from The Award Winning Aradi Free Press.......

Jekyll is fowl curious.
Stroll-Taker has been named Neediest Of The Needy.
Nuln is an Izod icon.
Ultraist was an inbred redneck in The Puppy Pack.
A lawsuit was filed against Death Stud for stealing The Golden Scrod.
Sugar Bottoms executed Hillary.  Great way to vote.
The only way for Jekyll to go is up.  Heavy.
Mannequin eats Samwise TV's for lunch.
The Creepster is trying to overcome the Manager millstone.
FONZ = Freaks Occupying Neutral Zone.
Holly Mackerel is ummmm (tee hee) a Bimbo.
Scintillating Soultaker Scalp Specials lead to oh and fives.
Ultraist thinks Nuln's Nut Sack can defecate.
Hoffa is a bug or a slug or a thug.  (Perhaps all three?)
Loukmad is a whipping boy.
Lady E. has quick hands and is dyslexic.
Ultraist and Jekyll odds have been corrected to 1,000,000 to 1.
Lord Xiang lives in a nursing home and eats Meals On Wheels.
TUM utterly (non-bovine) flimflammed Nuln.
Manager really has won a TOGS.  (Pre civil war)
Crazy Creeps Scribe killed the most TOGSers in round 2. (and one)
This ad/spot was not too long.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Stand by for a word from the pres.
     People of Aradi; today marks the first day of a new era.  A new era of peace
but, also a new era of evil.  Aradi has been invaded by an axis of evil, a group of
leaders have brought their evil followers with the inclination to do great evil.  All
is not lost however, I have had the best scientists, witches, wise men, clerics,
artisans, boot lickers, con-men, and Lord Xiang working on our ultimate project.  I
am pleased to announce that Project Seraphim has been tested, spelled, prayed over,
cured, thought about, re-designed, conned out of its funding, had its boots licked,
and finally laughed at, and has been put online.  The Seraphim Project will allow the
Dilligaf Legion to duplicate each of the evil leaders to use as we please.  I have
put together an essay of the strengths and reasons for our cloning for everyone to
peruse.  It is my hope that the populace of Aradi will choose right from wrong and
help us dispose of the evil that has infested this fine city.  Our first duplication
will be the great Mannequin; we have found him to be the most suitable first host for
reasons of leadership strength and warrior training capabilities and due to the fact
that he was responsible for the death of one of my cabinet members.  We have other
leaders on our list for replication.  Hombre is the next leader for us to reproduce
for our purposes, not for any special skills but more because he's just a blast to
hang out with.  Ganolus Oakleaf will also be cloned by us to give us the experience
he has garnered from other TOGS competitions.  A full list will be submitted at a
later date.
     At this time we also have a list of leaders that will not be cloned for any
reason.  We feel that some managers help Project Seraphim more by being right where
they are.  The leader Manager is more use to us right where he due to his inability
to win a fight, as long as he continues with the large intake of negative points we
feel there is no reason to have our own copy.  Soultaker is another leader we feel is
better losing for the other team.  We have removed the Crazy Creepster from our list
of possibilities just because of age.  We feel the price of cloning is prohibitive if
the clone keels over because of youth deprivation syndrome.  We have some unknown
leaders we would like information on.  Rascally Rabbit could become a possibility but
no one has actually seen this leader, as far as we can tell the tapes he sends in to
the press could be generated anywhere and no real personage exists.  As with our
approved clones we will submit the full list and reason for those leaders we feel
disqualify for duplication.
     We now return you to your regularly scheduled competition.

  + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ CRAZY CREEPS SPOTLIGHT (Round Three) ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     The defrocked Judge was sitting on his makeshift throne at home wondering what
had gone wrong.  Had one of those TOGSers told on him?  Indeed, how had they found
out what he had been doing under his judgey robes whilst sitting at the bench in the
courtroom?  Had anyone seen, or even worse, photographed the midnight visits from
Tiny Tim?  TOGSers were all such good and trustworthy fellows and gals that Judge
just couldn't believe that one of them had reported him.  "Wait a minute!" he
thought.  "That LHI was new to TOGS, and he was known to have done anything to win a
prize.  Could it have been him?  And," he thought to himself, "That TUM!  Another
three letter name-jobber.  Could anyone with only a three-lettered name be trusted?
He was new to TOGS.  He was a dastardly Delarq.  And he was known to consort with the
devil.  How else could he stay so young?"
     The Judge knew he needed both personal and legal advice, so he finished his
messy throne business and got up to go visit someone or some ones whom could provide
him the help he knew he needed....
     "Thanks for the advice, Doc Steele.  I think you are right on.  And please thank
The Godfather in advance for me." Judge said, as he departed the Steele residence in
Chi-town.  "Now, I've got a plan." he thought.  "A great plan!  Let the fun begin!"
     Several hours later, there was a knock on the door of a quiet little home deep
in the heart of Aradi, where most local folks tended to avoid.  TUM, looking quite
nappy in his Books Brothers pastel blue sweats, opened the door and was quite pleased
to see DMobster and Inferno.  "Hey, guys, come on in". TUM excitedly said.  "Let's
get you out of those big black ugly trench coats and warming by the fire with a drink
in hand."
     LHI, looking far from natty in a splotched Hawaiian shirt with way undersized
black holey biker shorts, entered from the kitchen, dragging Lord Xiang and Seraphim,
who were in training, and all gave their "hellos".  LHI said he'd go get the drinks.
Before LHI and TUM and Lord Xiang and Seraphim could move another inch, the black-
coated crew ripped open their coats, whipped out their muffled tommy-guns and quietly
riddled all four with deadly cyanide pellets.  The quick-action poison did its job,
as DMobster and Inferno stood chuckling over the twitching, last-gasping bodies.
Xiang was last to go, his mouth moving to the very end.  The two thugs gave each
other high-fives and Inferno said, "Now let's go collect our cash from The Judge."
     When they exited the building, they saw Cyber Punk come wobbling down the vacant
back street towards the house carrying his usual computer case.  "Hey, guys!" said
Punk, "Watcha doin' out here.  Wanna go play some internet games with me?  They got
that Duel 2 everybody wantsa play now.  Wanna fight me?"
     "Sorry Cyber, old pal, we're rushing off to Judge's.  He called and needs our
help."  They passed on by and chucklingly headed up the street.  They were completely
unaware when the four hollow points entered their spines and neck at accelerating
velocity, killing them on the spot.
    "Heh, heh." said Cyber Punk to himself, "Of course you'd head on off to Judge's
for your money, but didja think the great man would trust a pair of thugs to keep
quiet?  Huh?  Especially a loudmouth pair from some of the most important alliances
in Alastari?  Heh, heh.  That's why he called on The Punk to clean up for him.
Whatta smart man!"
     Cyber Punk knew that leaving the thugs on the back streets of Aradi wouldn't
cause a lick of a stir, as that type of happening was commonplace and probably
wouldn't even make The Award Winning Aradi Free Press.  Besides the two thugs were
pretty worthless TOGS Managers anyway.  Who'd care?  He turned the corner to where he
had parked his automated electric Brahma bull that he had bought for Farmer boB at a
great bargain.  Dang thing did over twenty mph and everybody got out of the way of
the fearsome mechanical Brahma bull.  Oh yeah!  Nuln didn't steal ALL the animals;
heh, heh.  He flicked the ignition, and was engulfed in the massive explosion with
bull dung and metal parts and Punk bits flying all over the place.  Kaching!
     Later that night Judge rested calmly and peacefully at his palatial mansion
entertaining his one and only guest.  "Have another Shirley Temple, Hon?" he asked.
"I really appreciated what you did for me.  I will have to admit that when Doc Steele
said the Godfather recommended you for the special task, I was completely
   "Not a problem, Judge." she replied.  My group has always been great friends with
The Godfather and his consigliore, Doc Steele.  You know how it is.  And it is always
a pleasure helping a fine friend in need.  Now, I would advise you to find another
play boy than Tiny Tim, and be a little more careful what you do in court under those
billowing robes.  (wink)"
     "How can I ever pay you, Scribe?" the judge asked.  "I owe you more than I can
     "Just keep up your end of the deal, Judge, and we are all square.  You and your
partner throw every fight possible to Manager and Creepster.  If any conflicts come
up for judicial review, they go in Team 6's favor.  Capiche?  And remember, The
Godfather will be watching."
     The Crazy Creeps Scribe opened the door and looked at the beautiful blue skies
of Aradi.  (She was, however, holding her nose shut.)  Yes, all was going to be well
in TOGS.  Yes, indeed; life was good.

            + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ELEMENTS OF POWER ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Storm tried not to look at the feather lying between himself and the pudgy
boatman, but it seemed to have a hypnotic power over his eyes.  It was not the
feather from some exotic bird, of this Storm was positive, but it did not look to be
a feather of any common fowl that he knew of at least.
     "That's right sonny, look upon the magic feather of the mystic Aradi fairy man.
Let yourself be taken away by it's beauty and splendor!" the old man said as he
rolled back his hood revealing his shiny head and then untying the belt holding his
robe together.  "Now, get over here and take your medicine."
     "You!"  Storm stammered as he clumsily tried to back himself up to the port of
the boat.
     Ultraist was worried.
     For the past several hours he and Jekyll had continued along as if nothing had
happened, but the silence between them was evidence enough to the contrary.
     For what seemed like an eternity, Jekyll just sit upon his camel seemingly lost
in thought.  Then suddenly the gloom vanished from his face and he began to hum a
     Ultraist was not sure if he recognized the song, but it sent chill down his
spine just the same.
     "Give me time to realize my crime," Jekyll sang.
     Ultraist slowly tried to get closer to make the words out better.
     "Let me love and steal, I have danced inside your eyes, how can I be real,"
Jekyll continued, a merry smile formed on his face as he reached into his saddle bag
and found a long feather that he stuck protruding from his iron circlet.  He then
began to sway his shoulders and snap his fingers in rhythm with his tune.
     "Do you really want to hurt me, do you really want to MAKE ME CRY," he bellowed.
Even his camel was beginning to act nervous.
     I've seen this behavior before, Ultraist thought as he watched his friend and
alliance mate dance in the saddle, his eyes closed serene smile across his face.
Ultraist knew he had to act.
     Without hesitation, the lion pounced from the ground and struck Jekyll squarely
in the chest, knocking him from the camel's back.  A short scuffle ensued once they
hit the ground, but Jekyll caught off his guard was no match for a were lion.
     "Off me, you brute!" Jekyll screamed in an almost girlish voice as he struggled
to get free from the massive paws pinning his shoulders to the ground.
     "You have been bewitched," Ultraist growled through his beast jaws. "I need you
to relax so I can find the root of this evil spell."
      It was then that it dawned on Ultraist, the feather.
      With a sudden swipe of his paw, Ultraist removed the feather cleanly from
Jekyll's circlet and then quickly leaped away from his friend, changing back into a
man before he landed.  He knew that if his plan worked and Jekyll returned to his
normal self, he would likely find Jekyll's legendary short sword in his gullet before
either realized what was happening.
     "What happened?  I feel...unclean." Jekyll muttered as he rubbed his head.
     "Quickly, what is best in life?" Ultraist asked as he pulled his friend to his
    "Health, Humility....  No wait.  That isn't right.  To crush your enemies and see
them driven before you." Jekyll said as he looked around confused.
     "Good enough.  You were under some sort of spell that had you mimicking an Aruak
nobleman." Ultraist said as he crossed his arms and studied his friend.
     Jekyll's confused look quickly turned to horror as what Ultraist said sank in.
"It can not be?  Who would have done such a thing?  This is pure evil, vileness
     "Tell me everything.  What you did the days before leading up to our departure.
Who you spoke with, everything."  Ultraist demanded.
     "Nothing unusual...wait, I did receive a gift from Xiang!  A feather, but I
simply threw it out.  Such silliness from that man is disturbing."
     "More than you know.  Quickly, we must get to Aradi before anymore damage can be
done!"  Ultraist said as he took off running and changing back into a lion as he done

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
     -----     -----   < Samwise the Bald / Childhood Trauma >   -----     -----

     Samwise the Bald drew in a deep breath as he steeled himself for his
conversation with Rascally Rabbit.  Listening to someone drone on and on about their
own perceived greatness was a difficult thing to do.  Luckily, the hot air and ego
that permeated the room betrayed the fact that the Rabbit had been pontificating for
some time.  Maybe, just maybe, he might have talked himself out.
     "Hey, Samwise," croaked the Rabbit in a voice that sounded as if he'd gargled
razor blades and sand.  The bleary-eyed look of pure desperation and despair on the
face of the hostess let Samwise know the Rabbit had been droning on and on and on for
quite some time.  "I'm just getting ready to leave and head back to the Saab Story
guild house.  I'm feeling a little tired.  Do you need anything from me?  If you have
any questions about the club, Smiling Goat can answer them for you."
     "Oh, I think I'm fine.  I'll ask any questions I have of the Goat.  Why don't
you head home and get some rest, friend," answered Samwise in his best "friend"
voice, smiling patiently.
     Grateful for his good fortune, Samwise went seeking Smiling Goat, the Lord
Protector from his first team in Aradi, Shave My Poodle.  Retired from arena
fighting, the Goat now served as the bouncer and manager of the S&M Club.  Knocking
on the door of the office, Samwise entered when he heard the Goats "Enter."
Embracing the former gladiator, Samwise sat.
     After exchanging pleasantries and getting updated on the progress and
whereabouts of his current team, Samwise broached the subject of business.  "How is
business?" he asked.
     Smiling Goat broke a smile, "A month ago, we were barely treading water.  But
then, some sort of law or ordinance was passed and all the animals were taken out of
Aradi.  It was all very strange and mysterious.  But, Farmer boB's loss was our gain.
Since that time, business has been booming.  Citizens, managers, gladiators, you name
it, they're in and out of here during all hours of the day."
     Samwise smiled at the news.  Who knew how long the situation would remain as it
was, but at least at the present time, he might actually have some money of his own.
The Sandman was a good friend and employer.  He provided for much of Samwise's needs.
But, to have money of his own, that was important to Samwise.  Particularly when it
came to putting his grand scheme into motion.  He would have a hard time explaining
his needs for capital to The Sandman, were it to come to that.
     "So, do we have any particularly good patrons?  What about the girls?  Is there
one among them that is more popular than the others?  I'd like give her a raise or
flowers, or some such token," stated Samwise.
     "That's another matter altogether.  I'd say that at one point or another, every
manager and warrior from the arena has been here.  Some more than others.  But, there
is one manager that's here every day.  He visits the same girl every day, as well.
Coincidentally, she's the most popular girl, as well," replied the Goat.
     Impatient and annoyed by how vague the Goat was being, Samwise looked his former
charge in the eyes and said, "I realize that an essential part of this business is
the need for discretion.  However, the door to your office is closed, and you're
talking to your boss, here.  Now spill!"
     Looking a bit pained, the Goat cleared his throat and spoke in a much more
hushed tone.  "Okay, okay.  The most popular girl is Patty and her most frequent
visitor is Ultraist."
     "Patty?" asked Samwise.  He had to fight to keep his voice under control.  He
wanted to shout out in his disgust and surprise.  "Surely you can't mean Patty the
     "Ahem.  Well, yes.  That's what some people call her," answered Smiling Goat.
     "I can't believe she still works here," replied Samwise, suppressing a shudder.
Patty was not an attractive woman.  To say that she was ugly would be kind.  This
author will not subject the readers of this column to the horrific description of
said Patty.  Just let it be known that if she and Samwise were to stand side-by-side,
if would be hard to tell them apart.
     Shaking his head, Samwise controlled his desire to vomit, suppressed his dry-
heave and swallowed the small amount of vomit that was burning his throat.  "Why?" he
asked in an unsteady voice.
     "She is the most popular girl amongst those that used to frequent Farmer boB's
farm," answered the Goat.  "And, I've overheard Ultraist whispering to Patty as
patrol the hallways for security.  He's said to her that 'Yer much purdier than them
there cheerleaders back in Kan-tuck-ee.'  I'm not sure what that means, but take it
for what it's worth."
     Fighting the need to be sick, Samwise thanked his bouncer/manager, hastily left
his office, and set out to find his Childhood Trauma team.

   + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Somewhere over the Rainbow by Ghoti ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Ten Managers stood in a line and at attention.  An eleventh stood to the side
barking out orders.  Each wore a Pink and Yellow Plaid Mid-Length Kilt (Pyp-Milk
(TM)) a pair of lime green and orange leg warmers and a fuchsia feather boa draped
over a frilly purple shirt.
     Lord Xaing shouted, "Sound OFF!"
     "Indimar Fallon!  Seraphim!  Tig Toad!  Rillion!  Ultrist!  TUM!  LHI!
DMobster!  Jekyll!  Rascally Rabbit!" they all replied in order of appearance in the
     "OK Men!" Lord Xaing shouted some more because he liked the sound of his voice.
"We are heretofore to be called The Rainbow FONZ Marching Brigade.  I am your Master
Rainbow Leader.  As that leader, I will get to shout and you will listen!"
     "Yes, Master!" they shouted in reply.
     "Jekyll, you will carry our Rainbow Brigade Flag as you are the only one to have
thought to put pockets in your kilt." said Lord Xaing.
     "We are missing several otherwise non-FONZ members.  Where are they, Rillion?"
asked Master Lord Xaing.
     "Well--" Rillion began to reply.
     "Rillion!" Master Lord Xaing cut in, "Are you wearing undergarments?"
     "Ummm, yes sir." Rillion squeaked meekly.
     "Remove them post haste, Rillion.  You know if we are to take over this contest
from all those undeserving FONZ people we must meet them and beat them at their own
     Rillion quickly removed a pair of maize colored, speedo underwear and tossed
them aside.
     "Maize colored undies?" whispered LHI.
     "Yes," Rillion whispered back, "they hide certain stains, if you know what I
     "Ohhhh!" LHI said quietly, "I will have to remember that for when I have my next
nervous incident."
     "Tig Toad, where is Manager?" the Master Lord Xaing shouted again.
     "Awww shucks, he is already practically a FONZ already so I dit'nt aks him." he
     "Ultrist!  Where are Lady Elysian and A-Sop?" asked Master Lord Xaing.
     "Are you sure you want them?  I mean, they are practically women." he replied.
     "No, I guess not.  How about Ghoti and Street Legal then, TUM?" asked Lord
Rainbow Master Xaing.
     "They said they were unworthy, my Master Xaing."  He said back.
     "Where are Soultaker and the--  SERAPHIM!  Take your finger out of your nose
     Upon hearing his name mentioned Seraphim jerked his finger out of his nose with
a vaccummous action.  Upon seeing the result stuck on the tip of that finger, he
glanced nervously about and hid the tip of his finger in the back of his throat.
     "HOLY CANDLSTICK SNUFFER, SERAPHIM!" gasped His Lord and Rainbow Brigade Master
     In a sudden and unexpected moment of clear thought Seraphim replied suckingly
"Itchz OKeh, I zhee Zhnottoman doinG dizh awl da timezha."
     "OK then!  Everyone practice this.  Fingers UP!  Insert!  Pull!  Suck!!"
commanded His High Lord and Rainbow Brigade Master Xaing.  "You men are terrible at
this.  Look!"  At that Xaing thrust his finger down his throat and sucked heartily.
In a sucking shout Master Xaing said, "ZSEE!?  NOBODY ZSUCKZ ASZ MUCHK ASZ I DOZ!
NOBODYZCH!"  POP! came the sound as Xaing removed his finger from his cheek.  "That
is why I am your leader," he said at last.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Street Legal paced the halls of the My Best Buds 2 guildhouse wearing small
trenches into the floors of the dank underground level.  The four established and one
new member of the team listened intently from the smoking room as he cursed.  They
cringed each and every time he cussed like the saltiest of old sailors had never
heard before.  "I sure hope he's going to bed soon because I can't wait to get my
party on," Dr Feelgood lamented.  The grizzled old manager let out a few more choice
words as he stumbled up the stairs to his room.
     The sun rose over another fine Aradi day and he reached for the bottle by the
edge of the table near his bed.  "A little hair of the dog that bit you," he muttered
to himself as he grabbed the bottle of Serpent's Wine that he managed to procure in
Tobir.  This was going to be a very long day indeed!  He had to:  Make funeral
arrangements for his prize warrior, meet the new recruit, AND he was about to launch
his newest product line.  This was going to top them all:  The Lions Suck banners,
The Fire Millen signs, and even his Defend Aruak shirts.  His newest idea was a
guaranteed seller and would easily pay for his ToGS team and probably a number of
     He assembled his team and gave their assignment to put on a shirt and wear it
around town as advertisement.  Surely when everyone got a look at these ingenious
shirts everyone on the island would want one.  Well, everybody but one, that is.  He
ripped open a box at his feet and pulled out the first "I saw Nuln's Nutsack" [tm]
shirt from the box.  Upon unfurling it so the team could read the phrase written
across both the front and back Zig-Zag Man broke into uncontrollable laughter.
"You're a genius, boss," he managed to squeeze between laughing fits.  "Poor ole'
Nulnsey is going to be pissed at you when he sees these.  After all this was a
promising young warrior at 2-0.  He figured not only did it have significance to a
manager but a warrior. It was the best of both worlds.  And it was funny, catchy,
amusing all rolled into one.
     "If anyone asks you tell them they cost 2 silver, 7 copper and they can only be
bought here for that cost!" Street Legal chuckled to himself at the thought of every
Aradian wearing one of these shirts.  Yep ole' Nulnsey would be pissed but he didn't
fear his wrath.
     "But wait there's more!" he exclaimed reaching into a smaller box that sat
behind him.  "This one's special and only available to warriors.  And not just to
warriors but to specific warriors.  This will be a collectible and especially if this
fine young warrior becomes an immortal on the Isle of the Eye."  He unfolded the
bright yellow shirt, it would be an eye catcher indeed, and suddenly the normally
quiet Mary Jane squealed with glee.
     "The first one's mine.  That, that's mine, I must have it!"
     Street Legal explained that these would only be available to warriors who
defeated this young phenom for a mere 1 gold, 6 copper.  He would barely make a
profit on these, in fact merely half the copper was his take, but this was a special
side project.  The words written in HUGE red letters across the front and back read,
     Now he put back the shirts into a box, save the five he gave out to his warriors
to wear about town.  Mary Jane begged for a match with Nuln's Nutsack so she could
earn the chance to get one of those prized shirts but Street Legal told her he
already had this week's matches planned.  "Come walk with me, BC Gold," he said to
his newest warrior.  "I must go see the Creepster about how he obtained my original
Lions Suck! banner and find out who he sold it to so I can get it back.  I also need
to get to know you as my newest warrior."
     He looked back over his shoulder as a stranger passed him by.  "My Best Buds 2!
This is your new trainer, Roach!" he shouted to them.  "I think you'll all get along
just fine with him and I have all the faith in the world he will train you well!"  He
continued to the stairwell and could be heard asking questions of his new recruit.
     "WO-HO DUDES!  LET'S PARTY!" exclaimed Roach.  "Can we smoke here?  Anybody got
a parchment?"

           + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Gunny and The Rock ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                  scribed by Jekyll

     There was an ominous silence in the great room that night.  Tripwire had asked
Jekyll and Ultraist to join him and to bring their Team Captains as well.  Ultraist
and Jekyll walked into the room with Storm and Volmax following behind.  All four men
gathered walked to the center of the room where Tripwire and Hucklecat were already
seated.  A large jug of homebrewed whiskey sat open at the table.
     "Otis the Drunk sends his regards."  Tripwire gestured to the bottle.  "He
states that he is still getting reacquainted with Alastari again and wishes you both
well and better luck."
     "Wishes us well?" inquired Jekyll.
     "Better luck?" Ultraist asked
     "Well you know...in regards to both of your...." Hucklecat paused.
     "No, please continue." Jekyll stated, meanwhile unsheathing his shortsword
underneath the table.  "The cat got your tongue, my friend...."
     "Tripwire," Ultraist's voice boomed loudly and echoed throughout the room, "get
to the bottom of this.  Why are we called in the middle of the evening and asked to
bring both Storm and Volmax as well?"
     "Through my many metaphysical and mystical talents I have brought forth
entertainment and motivational speakers to take your mind off of your most recent
turns in Aradi and to help your Team Captains refocus themselves and your teams
also." Tripwire stated.
      Suddenly the room went dark.  A single candle was lit at the table and there
appeared upon the wall what appeared to be the shadow of a holy woman.  In walked a
short balding man in sweats and a clipboard.
     "It's all about the X's and O's boys," he began, "you got to dig in and give it
all you got."
     "What the heck!?!?" Ultraist exclaimed.
     The man continued, "Most men, when they think they are thinking, are merely
rearranging their prejudices.  Show me a gracious loser and I'll show you a failure."
      The clipboard wielding man began to pace the room at a feverish pace and than
climbed aboard the table where the Iron Council was gathered.
      "Well boys..." he began from atop the table, "I haven't a thing to say.  Played
a great game...all of you.  Great game.  But this is TOGS.  I'm going to tell you
something I've kept to myself for years....  None of you knew George Gipp, but you
knew what a tradition and legend he was.  And the last thing he said to me was
'Sometime, Rock, when the team is up against it, when things are wrong and the breaks
are beating the boys...tell them to go in there with all they got and win just one
for the Gipper.  I don't know where I'll be then, Rock, but I know I'll be happy.'"
      The man paused and looked into everyone's eyes, "So I'm here to tell you IC
boys to go and win one for the Gipper!!!!"
     "Who the heck is the Gipper?" Jekyll asked.
     "I think that is who Death Stud is without his Viagra." Ultraist calmly stated.
     "No I think the Gipper is one of the Consortium Elders." stated Jekyll.
     "The Gipper was a character played by Ronald Reagan in an old American movie."
Hucklecat interjected.
     "Look at college boy over there." Ultraist playfully elbowed Jekyll.
     "Darnit, guys!!!" Tripwire screamed.  "The Gipper was one of the greatest
athletes of all time leading Notre Dame to a 27-2-3 record in his four years there.
He died at the young age of 25 thus inspiring the speech you just heard....  Aww
heck, never mind!"
     "Is that it?" inquired Ultraist.  "If that is it, then we will be taking our
warriors back...."
     "No, that is not it, YOU MAGGOT!" screamed a voice from the back of the room.
In marched a man in what appeared to be a uniform of some sorts.  He was armed with
simply a whip that he was slapping against his thigh while he marched and a whistle
hanging from around his neck that he was constantly blowing.  The man walked up to
Ultraist and stood eye to eye with him.
     "Are you quitting on me?  Well, are you?" the man barked at Ultraist.  "Well
then quit, you mangy looking piece of Andorian waste.  Move it now.  I will rip out
your sack so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world.  I'll bet you're the type
of Andorian who would commit unnatural acts with a chicken and not even give it the
courtesy of a...."
     Ultraist was fuming now and just as his temper was about to get the best of him
Jekyll started laughing hysterically from the other side of the room.  The man did an
about face and marched over to where Jekyll was grinning from ear to ear.
     "You think I'm funny?"
     "Uhmm, excuse me?"
     "I'm gonna give you three seconds, exactly three friggin seconds to wipe that
grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyes and skull stroke you."
     "Uhmmm, Gunny, you need to calm down." Tripwire said from the other side of the
     "Seriously Gunny, you need to watch how you are talking to these guys."
     "This was a bad idea, Trip." Hucklecat muttered under his breath.
     "Stand down, Sergeant!" Tripwire barked
     "Who said that?" the man turned.  "Who the heck said that.  Who's the Andorian
chicken-lover who just signed his own death warrant?  I will PT you until you are
drinking buttermilk!"
      Needless to say, the Gunny Sergeant died a slow and painful death that night,
but the message that Tripwire in his own unique way was trying to impart on his
comrades was plain enough.  The Delarq nation was taking it on the chin in the first
two turns of TOGS.  There were eleven more to go.  Enough was enough.
      "It's a marathon, not a race." Ultraist stated to Jekyll.  "But we have fallen
behind in the sprints and have given the Andorian regime far too much of a head
start.  It is not too late.  The race has merely begun.  Time to play catch-up"

                + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Wing Hove ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                  This nut sack isn't big enough for the two of us.

     Indimar stood behind the counter of The Scrod Shoppe surveying his little
empire, and he liked what he saw.  The original shop was doing a brisk business in
TOGS fanwear and merchandise.  People were snapping up items ranging from golden
scrod travel mugs to TOGS toilet tissue.  This week's special, a t-shirt featuring
One-Timer sitting on a golden throne, was not moving all that well, but everything
else was selling fast.  Especially the nut sacks.
     Thinking of nut sacks caused him to reach down and give his own a quick pat to
make sure it was still there.  He liked the feel of it hanging there and vowed to
never let it out of his sight unlike his last one.
     "Hey, Indimar, drop your nut sack and help us settle this." called Cyberpunk
from the doorway to the Scodbucks side of the business.
     When Indimar looked over, he was greeted by the sight of Cyberpunk and Death
Stud standing back to back with their hands on their heads trying to feel who was
     "Do we have to go through this every day?" asked Indimar as he left his vantage
point behind the counter and started across the shop.  "And you better not be marking
up my walls with your pencil marks."
     A pair of sheepish looks told him that this warning was too late before he got
close enough to see the marks himself.  Luckily they were so far below most peoples'
line of sight that Indimar doubted anyone would notice them.
     "Stud, why don't you head over to the Scrodbucks and get yourself a grande
whatever on the house.  I need to talk a little business with my partner."
     Death Stud drew himself up to his full height and glared one last glare at the
Elephant look-a-like before heading over to claim his freebie.  Indimar was turning
to speak to Cyberpunk when the front door of The Scrod Shoppe crashed open and
Barnabas came stomping in.
     "HEH,HEH,HEH!  There he is, Indimare Falloon.  Seen any demon muskrats lately?"
said Barnabas in what most would consider an "outside" voice, as he walked up and
slapped Indimar on the back.  Turning to look at Indimar's diminutive partner
Barnabas blurted out, "Now this sorry specimen could only be Cyberpoot.  I hear tell
you're some kin of that varmint Elephant.  Now that I get a look at yer ugly mug I
can see the resemblance."
     "You're no treat for the eyes yourself!" exclaimed Cyberpunk as his face turned
red and he began to shake with anger.
     "Settle down, Cyberpunk.  He doesn't mean anything by it, that's just the way he
talks," said Indimar ,trying to diffuse the situation.  "What did you need Barnabas?
Did you come to pickup those cases of Scrod Zags you ordered?"
     "Well, maybe that's why I'm here and mebbee it ain't," said Barnabas with a
dangerous glint in his eye.  "But one thing is for sure, and that is I surely don't
need Indamanure Fallin' explainin' my talkin' for me.  I talk my talk and I walk my
walk and I bust open my own can of whup ass.  I hope you boys is pickin' up what I'm
a puttin' down.  Don't make me have to flex on you.  Anyway, what I really stopped by
for wuz to tell you that you ain't king nut sack no more."
     "What are you talking about?" asked Indimar with a sinking feeling.
     "What I'm a talkin' about," replied Barnabas with an evil smirk, "is that little
elf girl across the road who is now in the nut sack business."
                    To be continued.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

Due to Farmer boB's busy schedule(plotting thieft and murder apparently takes a lot
of time) he has instucted me Betsy the cow the most famus bovine of all time to write
the team spotlight.  And I have decided to write something that I've always wanted to
say since being apart of this great arena.

Love letter to Soultaker
Dearst Soutaker
     I have admired you form afar for many years, when I see you waddle down the
street it makes my uder quiver.  When I see you toss your one hair in the wind it
makes my knees (all four of them) quiver with excitment.  I don't care what all the
other cows say I have no problem with interspecies relationships.  And I've heard the
stories about you and the Sentinal and thats defenitly interspecies something if I
have ever seen it (thank goodness I didn't).  The very thought of that shriveled up
old body makes my heart flutter.
     I do realize that you have a wife, but frankly I've seen Pandora and how can she
posibly compare with someone like me?  Let me point out the obvouis, yes she may have
pretty legs but I have four great legs.  And I'm sure you have noticed my teets,
everyone has, well trying to be modest but Pandora is a little flat chested and
gravity is starting to take hold plus she only has two by pure numbers alone I have
her outclassed.  Just think about it you can have two choices flat chested or full
chested just depending on if I have been to the milk barn or not.  My love I can go
on and on but a true love like ours should never be denied.
     Can you just imagine the happenist we could share, I could chew my cude you your
Geritol.  I would love to have calfs with you, but I understand atyou advanced age
even Viagra may not help you.  But I have 23 calfs so I can make that sacrafice in
the name of love.
     And I'm not a cow of no means by a long shot.  I have a two stall condo in the
barn, running water, room service twice a day, a personal massage therpist whom I
visit twice a day.  A personal valet who gives me my bath and will gladly scope up
after us any time we need it.  The bed of straw we would share is fixed fresh ever
day, I know this is a little much, but thats just the perks of being a superstar
     I would never stoop to threats but if this letter is not enough to convince you
of how we are meant to be together.  Do you remeber that one night when Death stud
was mad at you and kicked you out?  Who was it you turned to, who was it that comfort
you all night, who's name is it you call out late at night that's right it's Betsy.
I would'nt want to reveal this, but in the name of true love a lady will do anything.
I relly only have one more sentence to write.

Do you love me?  Please check one  YES_____  Or no_____

                     + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Rascally Rabbit paced the floor in front of his desk, trying to gather his 
thoughts about his travels from Chimlevtal to Aradi. He remembered his initial 
conversation with Soul Taker when he decided to enter the contest in Aradi.

     Rascally Rabbit: I've definitely decided to enter TOGs, but I still don't know 
who my partner will be this time around?
     Soultaker: Have you considered asking 1 of your former partners?
     Rascally Rabbit: I did but Darkside retired along time ago, and there's a slight 
problem with the other possibility.
     Soultaker: And what would that be, I can't imagine have a bigger problem (or 
smaller, depending on your point of view) with a partner than I do?
     Rascally Rabbit: Let's put it this way, my other choice for a former partner is 
     Soultaker: Oh! Never mind, have you considered asking The Boss? Or maybe Nuln, 
they're both about the same caliber.
     Rascally Rabbit: If I had to chose between those 2 I'd probably go with The 
Boss, he's definitely the more original of the 2. But I'd rather team with someone 
I'm more familiar with.
     Soultaker: Well there's always Mordraith? I could see Ganolus go into a meltdown 
if the 2 of you teamed up for a TOGs.
     Rascally Rabbit: Nah, 1ststoff Mordraith is a Larq, and I'm a Freeblader.
     Soultaker: That shouldn't be enough to write him off as a possibility.
     Rascally Rabbit: True, the real reason is that I really want to use this TOGs as 
my return to the arena, and if Mordraith and I announced as partners. We'd be the 1st 
team in TOGs history disqualified before the contest started. You know how Ganolus 
can carry a grudge.
     Soultaker: Yeah, I know how he can be just abit anal on occasion. Just the other 
day he tried to Ban Farmer Bob's chicken from the arena during TOGs.
     Rascally Rabbit: OK so what are my other options to team with?
     Soultaker: Have you thought about your daughter TomBoy?
     Rascally Rabbit: Yeah, but I run into the same problem I'd have if I was able to 
talk my wife into running The Willburys 13. The oversight committee would whine foul. 
Then Ganolus would get a big woody playing commishioner.
     Soultaker: Now that you mention it I can picture it happening just that way. 
What about asking Managerr.
     Rascally Rabbit: I'd love to team with him except for 1 little problem.
     Soultaker: And what would that be? He actually won the 1st Togs.
     Rascally Rabbit: That's actually the problem, he's jinxed. Infact from what I've 
heard there's a curse on TOGs.
     Soultaker: Impossible!!!
     Rascally Rabbit: No it's true, 
     Soultaker: Ok, so let's say that there is just for the sake of filling this 
column :) what would this so called curse be?
     Rascally Rabbit: Basically, any manager that wins a TOGs, will forever try to 
win a second TOGs, and fail. Think about it, no one has ever repeated as TOGs 
champions, in fact most fail miserably after they win it all.
     Soultaker: Wow, you might be right? How about someone from your alliance? 
They're all decent managers?
     Rascally Rabbit: I thought about them also, but most of them are already teamed 
up. I guess I could ask again.
     Rascally Rabbit: 1 more thing, have you found me a ghost writer yet. I'm really 
getting tired of having to think?

By this point in his reminiscing RR has settled into his chair behind his desk and is 
drifting off to sleep. A scribe enters, he straighten the desk, covers the Rabbit 
with a blanket, and exits the room. Amazing what works for filler now adays!

Good Night All, RR.

           + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Snotman's Spotlight ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Snotman slipped through the door and closed it behind him, "Wayne..." he
     A pair of horns leaned through the doorway followed by a set of large, dewy
eyes, "Thank Khorne it's you, Snotman.  Where have you been?"
     "I'm really sorry that it took me so long...hey, what happened to the
     Wayne frowned indignantly, "It's been a month since you stashed me here and you
haven't been by once to bring me food.  I have to eat the furniture!"
     A look of shock crossed Snotman's face, "Has it really been that long.  I'm so
sorry, old friend!  Things have been crazy around here.  Nuln paraded a bunch of the
talking animals around at his party but I could see the cruel chains that held them
and I haven't seen any of them around in the streets since the party.  He even tried
to imply that Goose the Goose had been kidnapped, but we both know that if any of the
talking animals was going to cause trouble, it was probably Goose."
     Snotman shuddered, "I hate to think of what kind of cruel punishment that poor
alcoholic, fowl went through."
     Wayne sighed, "I was hoping that this would all blow over.  So it looks like we
are in this for the long haul."
     Snotman nodded grimly, "I've been kinda sucking up to Nuln, going to his party
and bringing him drink and all that to make it look like I'm on his side.  I even
took that disgusting snot-hound of his, Fifi, out for a run."
     Wayne king shot Snotman a sharp look, "Wait, why wasn't Fifi rounded up with all
of the rest?"
     "The commission ruled that since she was part demon, she was exempt from the
animal ban.  Pretty darn convenient that Nuln's personal pet was spared.  Actually it
is kinda convenient because it means that the snotlings are exempt too."
     "Wait, Fifi is really part snotling?  I assumed that she was some Nurgle
abomination from the chaos wastes!"
     "Nope, she's really half snotling.  It was Tipsy.  You know how he's always
scrying for the sickest stuff and then sending it on to everybody?  I think that he
got drunk one night and decided to try it out for himself."
     Wayne King the goat made a face, "Man, he is a sick bastard.  But what are the
odds that a snotling and hound dog are genetically compatible?"
     "I'd have said zero.  But what do I know?"
     Wayne cocked his head sideways, "What are you wearing on that rope belt?"
     "A nut sack.  Nuln started this stupid fashion trend so I'm wearing one."
     "Snotman...you don't wear any clothes."
     "So your nut sack...never mind."
     "It is actually kind of convenient though.  Looks dorky but it's nice to have a
place to hold my nuts."
     "What did you do with your nuts before?"
     "Did you ever see Pulp Fiction?"
     "Forget I asked."
     Snotman's face took a serious cast, "By the way, that Captain came back again.
It seems that Captain Morgan couldn't remember if he had searched the Temple of
Khorne dungeons yet.  I suggested that maybe some more gold would help him remember
and he went on his way.  But this is bad.  I heard some reports that he has been
living the high life, buying drinks for the whole bar, getting marionberry daiquiri
pedicures and gambling like a fiend.  Every time his wallet comes up empty, he's
going to hit me up!
     "What about the Thieves Guild?  I'm sure they'd take care of him for you.  It'll
be expensive but a lot safer in the long run.  Maybe something really embarrassing
that will really discredit him like auto-erotic self asphyxiation."
     "The Thieves Guild has shut its doors.  I don't know why, but they are closed
down.  There is a new guy in town, Mission, but he's a complete joke.  He's been
writing these 20 line spotlights that aren't getting any credit.  That's the lamest
thing you can do in all of TOGSdom.  I mean, forgetting to write the spot, that
happens.  But to write it and be close but not able to come up with 10 more lines.  I
don't want that fool doing a half-assed assassination and implicating me!
     "But I have an idea to at least raise some extra money until I get Captain
Morgan figured out.   I started a new line of cider drinks that has been selling
quite well.  I just got a new order from the Aradi Spa and Resort.  I spruced up the
bottle and I'm selling them for twice as much as at the Brown Cyclops Inn."
     "Uh, Snotman, you don't own an orchard, how are you making cider?"
     Snotman grinned, "You sussed me out.  But no one else has yet.  Partially
because I didn't put my name on the bottles.  I'm calling it Dickens Cider."
     "How did you come up with Dickens Cider?"
     "I was pretty sure that Snotcider wouldn't sell very well so I just made up
something that sounded old world.  Maybe Andorakian or something."
     "Actually Snotcider might sell.  There is something of a tradition of awkward or
disgusting sounding beers and pubs.  Like the Randy Shepherd or the Rampant Lion."
     "Sure that might work for hard cider but this is actually just cider.  I think
that I'm definitely better off with a respectable name.  Although I am working on a
hard cider too."
     "You didn't answer my question.  How are you making cider without apples?"
     Snotman blushed, "It's kinda embarrassing but it's actually snotling urine."
     "You are selling snotling urine and people are buying it!?!?!?" Wayne gasped.
     "I was as surprised as you are.  I better tell you the story.  It was a couple
of months ago and Magic Man was down from the Great White North.  You know how he can
get Nuln to drink anything, well he told Nuln that the second most popular drink in
all of the Great White North was called a Yellow Snow.  Of course Nuln had to try one
so Magic Man took a bottle of "cider" and mixed it with beer and Nuln raved about how
good it was.  Magic Man had consulted with me earlier in the day to pick up some
snotling urine so we were both very surprised when he liked it.
     "The next FONZ smiles night, I served Yellow Snows and everyone loved them.  I
couldn't believe it, but apparently the stuff tastes pretty good.  I haven't tried it
myself of course."
     Wayne grinned ruefully, "The world is a very strange place.  Aradi stranger than
     "You said it brother, " Snotman replied.
     "So you said you were working on a hard cider version, how do you do that?"
     "It's pretty obvious really.  Alcohol is all about sugar.  So I've been
fermenting the urine of diabetic snotlings.  The first couple of batches are up and
I'm just fine tuning the alcohol content.  Of course it's hard to be brewmaster when
you aren't gonna touch the stuff.  But Inferno has been helping me out.  I mentioned
free alcohol tastings and now he's there on my doorstep, passed out of course, but
the dedication of stumbling to my doorstep in a drunken stupor for a little hair of
the dog is quite impressive."
     "I'm almost afraid to ask, where do you get diabetic snotlings?"
     "That's the easy part.  I installed a satellite dish and they all just sit there
in a television induced haze.  Every morning I bring by a mess of Venti brownie
scrapaccinos with whip of course.  Each one has four days worth of saturated fat and
sugar.  And that's for a full size human, the snotling are about 2'5" and weigh 25
pounds.  Of course Indimar looks at me funny when I order 75 Venti brownie
scrapaccinos but when I pull out the cash all he can see are dollar signs."
     "You are very sick, Snotman."
     "I've been called worse old friend, much worse...."

                 + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Larry O ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                    By Atlas Park

     It is 4 a.m. and we see Hombre and CyberPunk walking down an alley in Aradi.
There is a group of figures ahead of Hombre and CyberPunk and a group walking behind.

     "Hombre, I don't see why we need a whole entourage.  What gives?"
     "It's not an entourage, it's a posse.  MY posse to be exact."
     "So you're a rock star now?"
     "Oh, a rapper."
     "Okay, okay you are a celeb."
     "Hey, I'm sorry you're not known in these parts but I am.  Besides that there
are a lot of FONZ haters out there."
     "So you need a 'Posse' to tell a kid no for an autograph."
     "Can we move on?  The posse stays.  What are we doing again?  You know I'm not
down with being up this early."
     "We're on our way to Scrodbucks.  I have to open for Indimar this week."
     "I can't believe Elephant's making you work for Indimar."
     "He's not, it will all make sense once we get there."
     "Ok, I know why you are up, but what the heck am I'm doing up this early."
     "Because we are friends.  You never have time with your busy schedule.  You're
gonna help me with this whole managing thing and in exchange I'm gonna help you with
     "Well you definitely need help with the managing, but poker?  I don't like
poker, it's not my thing."
     "Not your thing?"
     "Yes, I'm not into it."
     "It's not about Poker or gambling.  It's about hangin' out with the guys."
     "Isn't that what we're doing right now?"
     "Yes, but follow me here."
     "It is about a group of us getting together and just being men for a lack of a
better turn."
     "Sounds exciting.  Not."
     "Hombre what's funnier than a drunken Ganolus doing his best Grant Napier
impersonation about how great the Kings are."
     "I give up."
     "I'll tell you what's funnier, a shirtless Indimar in Spandex."
     "That's funny?
     "Not only is it funny, it's illegal."
     "Ok, ok, we'll talk managing and poker but please no more imagining of Indimar
in Spandex.'
     "I said a shirtless Indimar."
     "I know, no more."
     The two and the posse arrived at Scrodbucks, the local coffee shop that looks
exactly like a Starbucks.  The only difference is the logo says Scrodbucks Coffee and
instead of a lady with a crown, it's Indimar with a crown.
     "Look at that logo Hombre, that guy is an egomaniac. I can't wait till he gets
busted for ripping off Starbucks."
     "Let it go Punk, let it go."
     Suddenly a kid holding some sort of poster and carrying a Sharpie started
running up to Hombre and Cyber Punk.  The kid was stopped before he could reach them
by Hombre's posse.
     "Sorry kid, Hombre not signing autographs this morning."
     "Who's Hombre?  I want to get my Devil's Playground poster signed."
     "Step aside guys, he wants my autograph." said a smiling CyberPunk as he looked
back at Hombre."  CyberPunk took the poster and signed it for the kid.
     "Thank you so much.  I really loved Devil's Playground."
     "I'm glad someone did.  If you catch Flamenco after the fight tonight, I'm sure
he'll sign it for you too."
     The kid left.  Hombre and CyberPunk entered Scrodbucks while the posse waited
     "Now who's the Rock Star?  Guess I better look into the whole posse thing."
     "Oh whatever, it was one kid."
     "Did I tell you Ganolus told me that the Kings could beat the Spurs in a 7 game
series next year if either team made changes?  Can you believe that?"
     "Oh no you're on the bandwagon too?"
     "No, I said I believe Ganolus said that.  You're talking about the same guy that
sliced his hand breaking a glass after a Kings loss.  You're talking about a guy that
got kicked out of Arco for throwing an object at an official after a bad call.  So
yes I believe he said that."
     "Ok, sit over there.  I have to make some coffee.  There is a deck of cards.
I'm gonna put on Kenny Rogers' Gambler.  Study the deck and listen to the words."
     "Punk, have you lost your mind?"
     "Just listen."
     Hombre started playing solitaire and Cyber began brewing coffee with Kenny
Rogers' Gambling playing in the background.  He reached for a large stein that had
"SIF" engraved on it.
     "Oh, how sweet, you're making Indimar a cup of coffee."
     "How did you ever guess?"
     "Because you have a coffee mug whose initials stand for Sir Indimar Fallon."
     "Well it's Indimar mug but SIF doesn't stand for Sir Indimar Fallon."
     "No?  What doesn't it stand for then?"
     "You aren't serious."
     "I'm as serious as Manager watching the Survivor Finals."
     "Darn, you are serious."
     "It's a play on words the whole Sir Indimar Fallon.  SIF is really syphilis.  If
you don't believe it, ask his doctor."
     "I believe it.  What I don't believe is you making his coffee each morning."
     "Remember when I told you it was all a front.  I'm about to go Larry O on his
     "Dude you just didn't go there with Larry O, the guy died a few months ago.
That's bad karma."
     "It's not, I ask Chameleon about it and he said I was honoring a Larry O
     "I don't care what some Boy George song told you, it's wrong on many levels."
     "Hombre look over there, it's Indimar coming in."
     Hombre looked over to the door and sure enough, Indimar walked in.  Cyber
meanwhile went Larry O.
     "Good morning all.  Cyber, I see you have my coffee ready."
     "Sure do.  Do you want whipped cream on top?"
     "Don't I always?"
     ""Here you go Bossman."  Cyber looked over at Hombre.  "Always keep your eyes on
the magic.  That was slight of hand.  You looked away for one second and when you did
the magic happened."
     "That wasn't slight of hand, that was wrong."
     "Cyber, there is always something different about the coffee when you make it,
good but different."
     "I just put my own personal touch on it, that's all."

R.I.P. -- Larry O, your coffee tradition lives on.

             + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Upright Man ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                     Mirror, Mirror, part 2 (on the other side)

     The bruise in the middle of his forehead was going to be around for a while.
TUM got up onto his hands and knees, wincing as he did so.  He rubbed his face,
inadvertently removing the piece of bloody tissue from his face and loosening the
clot.  Blood trickled down his neck.  That was odd.  TUM had stared admiringly at
himself many times in that mirror before and never once had he fallen through it.
The wind caused a stir through the open window behind him, causing a clicking sound.
TUM's eyes went instinctively toward it.  Thin ropes, like necklaces, hung on the
bathroom wall.  Fingerbones dangled from them, tapping each other in the breeze.
This was, in most aspects, his bathroom, but those certainly weren't his fingers.  He
approached the grizzly decorations and inspected them more closely.  Beneath each one
was a tiny label, each holding a name.  "Drat.  Lint.  Webbed Toes.  Smelly Socks.
What the heck?"  He let the bones slip from his fingers and he walked out of the
bathroom to the sound of their tapping.
     Then things got really weird.   Finger bones of his favorite warriors on walls
were one thing, but his home was NEAT!  What had happened?  His eyes roamed the room.
Everything was in perfect order.  That was when the dominos in his mind finally fell
in a row and he realized what was going on.  "I've arrived in an alternate universe
where everything is backwards," he said to the empty room.  TUM talked to himself a
lot these days, which while odd, is convenient for exposition.
     His eyes fell to a small weathered book of faded red which sat upside down; open
to some page in the middle on his desk.  He gasped as he picked it up.  "I haven't
seen this in years."  The title was barely readable:  THE RED BOOK OF ALASTARI.  It
was filled with dog-eared pages, highlight marks, meaningful underlines (including a
perplexing one word passage-"Eskimo".  Clearly this was a backwards world if the Red
Book received such scrutiny.
     TUM, being the inquisitive guy he is, left his shiny abode to take a look around
this parallel universe.  After all, how many opportunities does one get to do
something like this?  Nailed to a tree was a sign reading 'Duels today--drinking
tonight.'  Curled up under the tree, snoring softly, was a goatee sporting Manager.
     "Manager?  MANAGER?  What's with the beard?"
     Manager snorted awake, conveniently ignoring the question.  "Why the heck," he
asked, "did you wake me up?"
     TUM hedged.  "Well, it's dueling day.  Shouldn't you be obsessing over some
oddball minutia about your opponents' tendencies to use offhand daggers on cloudy
     "You must be kidding.  I just wind'em up and let'em go.  It's all laissez-faire
here."  Manager closed his eyes again.  He either fell back asleep amazingly quickly
or faked it well enough so as not to matter.  TUM walked on toward the arena.  A few
streets down he saw a sign on his right 'TUMVille'.  He cast a glance down the
intersection and was stunned to see multitudes of warriors running through drills.
Some stood off to the side shouting orders.  It was a well-oiled machine.  TUM felt
the beginnings of a headache.
     As he approached the arena sands he saw an unfamiliar billboard pasted to an
adjoining wall.   There, in huge black letters TUM saw the last message he ever
expected to see in print:

(given annually to the most successful manager on the sands)

     "You must be kidding"  TUM rubbed his eyes and looked again.  Nope, still there.
Below the title there was listed each yearly winner.  This was equally shocking.
"Nuln.  Nuln.  Nuln.  Nuln.  Soultaker.  Nuln.  Nuln.  Nu---aaaack!  I can't take
this madness any longer!!"  TUM turned abruptly, took two quick steps and ran smack
into an immovable object.  His head bounced off of what turned out to be the chest of
an enormous man.  Looking up at the face attached to the head, TUM found himself
staring into a face he knew, just not from this angle (Well, ok there was that one
time The Sentinel had found TUM passed out outside Arthur's Last Stand, but that was
years ago).  The Sentinel glared down at him.  "Forget where you were, TUM?"
     "What's going on over here?"  Another manager approached TUM and The Sentinel.
From beneath a thick, luxurious mop of blond curls, TUM recognized Soultaker's face.
That was the final straw.  A successful Nuln?  A tall Sentinel?  Insanity, certainly.
But a hairy Soultaker?  Something deep inside TUM's fragile mind snapped.  All he saw
was red.
     With a scream that would be talked about in Evil Alastari for years to come, TUM
sprinted back to his rooms, blazing past Evil LHI as he did so.  He found the mirror
on his bathroom wall and, without even stopping to see if the magic of the mirror
still held, he dove headfirst through it.  In the empty room that remained, finger
bones tapped on the wall.
     The next thing he knew, TUM pitched forward onto this cluttered bathroom floor,
sharply reminding him of the bruise that was already there.  He shot to his feet,
adrenaline still pumping and headed outside to make sure he was back in his own
world.  Upon exiting, TUM had to shield his eyes from the sudden glare that seemed to
come from nowhere and everywhere all at once.  He staggered forward and collided with
The Sentinel who had been walking by at the time.  The two collapsed in a heap.  The
glare, of course, had been coming from Soultaker who immediately helped the two of
them up.  Nuln was there as well.
     "In a better mood now, TUM?  People've been complaining about you all day.  Hey,
you shaved your beard."  The Sentinel dusted himself off as he spoke.
     "Oh guys, I've just had the strangest dream.  Everything was so backwards.  And
you were there.  And you.  And you were there."
     "Well you're back home in Alastari now."
     "There's no place like home."

     ELHI had followed TUM back into his rooms and up to the mirror.  He inspected it
carefully.  "An alternate Alastari.  Fascinating.  I wonder if there's a way to pull
clones of my warriors from over there."  Even in a backwards world, some things never

          + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Demons of Darkness #3 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                     By Rillion

     "Bring out your dead!  Bring out your dead!" yelled The Upright Man as he pushed
a large cart through the streets of Aradi.  Rillion hustled out of his guildhouse
with dismembered remains of Rascally Rabbit in a burlap sack.  He tossed the sack
unto the cart and handed a few coins over to The Upright Man.
     "So how is business?" he asked TUM.
     "Pretty good.  But still not quite as good as I was led to believe.  I always
heard Aradi was a death fest during the Tournament of the Golden Scrod.  Still, no
complaints so far, I'll be back around in a few hours if you have any more." replied
TUM as he rang the bell and resumed his rounds, "Bring out your dead!"
    Rillion returned to his guildhouse and started back to work on his Rascally
Rabbit golem.  A couple days later he was interrupted by a knock on the door.  He
threw a sheet over the half completed golem and went to answer the door.  When he
opened the door he froze.  Standing outside was Rascally Rabbit.  "Hey Rillion, you
haven't seen me recently have you?  I mean besides right now obviously."
    Rillion trying to hide the look of guilt on his face stumbled for words, "Ye,
umm, er, no.  Why do you ask?"
    "Well I sent one of my clones over to talk some strategy with you before he
dropped off the entry forms for my warriors for the turn.  He hasn't been seen since
and entry forms never got submitted to the commission, so my warriors did not fight
last turn." replied Rascally Rabbit.
    "You aren't on maintenance?" asked Rillion trying to change the subject.
    "Don't try to change the subject," said Rascally Rabbit suspiciously.  "Did my
clone visit your or not?"
    "No!" replied Rillion.  "And anyway how did you get a clone of yourself?" asked
Rillion, again trying to steer the topic of conversation away from whether or not the
clone ever made it to Rillion's guildhouse.
    "I picked up a bunch from LHI.  Apparently he has set up a bootleg clone factory.
It really helps me keep up with all the teams I have.  A big help on the multi-
tasking.  Are you sure you didn't see my clone?  I talked to several people that said
they saw him enter your guildhouse, AAAAAHHHH!" screamed Rascally Rabbit as he was
cut off in mid sentence by a dagger to the gut.
    An hour later Rillion was again depositing Rascally Rabbit's remains onto TUM's
cart.  He noticed that the cart was much fuller this time.  "I see business is
picking up," he commented.
    "Yeah, the death rate in the TOGS spotlights was fairly low the first turn but it
seems to have picked up this last turn.  I got a really nice haul from the Creepster.
He had his scribe kill six 'managers' the other night, including me!  LHI and I are
going to make a fortune this TOGS.  What between him making all the clones and me
collecting all their bodies, we got both ends of this thing covered!" said TUM
smiling as he got back under way, "Bring out your dead!"

             + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Clone Wars ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                       Part V

     "WIJJAAAAAAAAAAAALDS!!!!!"  Wailed the giant mutant-duck-goose-golem with hate
and anger, and lunged into the crowed of party-goers, its crystalline body reeking of
burnt cheese.
     "Oh my god, what're we gonna do?  Game over, man, game over!" cried LHI, seeking
refuge behind the potted Pandora.  Now he remembered why he never participated in
arena contests, and stuck strictly to the tournaments.
     "I wonder if this is what the fortune teller meant when she said I'd die by the
hand of giant mutant-duck-goose-golem if I attended Nuln's party on turn 2...?" mused
Rascally Rabbit, as one of the creature's arms impaled him, then dumped his lifeless
carcass on the carpet.
     Luckily for the afraid and overly philosophical, Hombre was on the scene, and he
deftly pulled out his trusty original D&D player's handbook from a zipper pocket on
his leg warmers, and cast a fireball spell that would do an insane amount of d-6's
worth of damage.
     Unluckily, the ball of heat dispersed with a whimper against the heat-proof body
of the beast, and succeeded only in increasing the already overriding smell of burnt
     "Smooth, Hombre.  Reeeeal smooth." Mannequin commented, his face a study of
disappointment.  The entire party paused a moment to shake their collective heads
sadly at Hombre.
     Luckily for those not familiar with chaos mutations, Snotman was still
surprisingly alert for one who'd consumed so much alcohol, and he circled behind the
monster as it dismembered and gorged on the hapless managers (starting with LHI,
naturally).  Grabbing the pick and hammer that lay beside the giant ice sculpture of
a scrod leaping out of a lake, Snotman calmly walked up behind the creature.  As it
unsuspectingly devoured the body of Samwise the Bald, Snotman tapped it gently a few
times on the back with the pick and hammer.  For a moment the beast looked up, its
gaze wide and afraid, then it collapsed in a pile of shards, only its head intact.
     Of the entire party, only the original four members were now left alive (Lady E,
Snotman, Wayne King the goat & Nuln), as they stood over the remains of the bodies
strewn across the ball room.
     "Wow," mumbled a dazed Lady E, "that was brutal."
     "Don't worry," said Snotman, unconcerned, "they'll all be back in two weeks.
They always are."
     Lady E and Wayne King watched as the two Chaos Lords knelt by the remains of the
monster's body, Nuln especially staring at its deformed head.
     "Look." said Snotman, uncovering what appeared to be a large section of the
beast's shoulder in the rubble of shards.  "Here!"
     The group looked at the chunk of crystal he held.  Near where the neck would
have started, there sprouted a smaller head of what appeared to be a goat.
     "Extra goat head." Nuln whispered fearfully under his breath.  Snotman nodded
solemnly, pursing his lips.  "Standard chaos mutation."
     "Huh?" asked Lady E, not following the trail of logic that seemed readily
apparent to her two friends.
     "It's the most common chaos mutation you can have," Snotman explained,
remembering Lady E's inexperience in the ways of chaos.  "Most creatures of Chaos,
Nuln and I included, have at least two or three chaos mutations, which as you might
expect of chaos, are randomly generated.  And it's a well known fact in chaos circles
that two out of every three chaos mutations almost always turn out to be an extra
     "My cousin had four extra goat heads." commented Nuln.
     "Bummer." laughed Snotman, then looked sheepishly down at Wayne.
     "I see," said Lady E, fascinated by the details of the world of chaos.  "So was
its crystallized body another chaos mutation?"
     "Most likely."  Said Nuln, still looking down gravely at the remains of the
beast. "It appears our enemy is more dangerous than we could have even imagined.
There is no time to lose--to my study!"
     Dispatching Wayne King back to the Temple of Khorne to carry an urgent message,
the three managers reconnoitered to Nuln's study in the tallest spire of his castle
(ugh, what a drag climbing all those stairs), and began making some plans of their
            *****                      *****                       *****
     It was near midnight when Wayne King the goat left Nuln's castle, heading south
through the cobbled streets on his way to the massive stone, metal & bone structure
that was the Temple of Khorne.
     He scurried as fast as his knobby-kneed, aging body would permit him, the loud
clatter of his hooves on the stone making him cringe and increase his speed all the
more (he cursed himself for not asking Snotman for some snot pads to mask the noise).
The dark streets were silent and menacing, and Wayne hugged the exteriors of the
buildings he passed, fearful of the nameless enemy that hunted the island.
     As he rounded the corner where Scrodding Way met Scroddy Vista, he barreled into
a few other pedestrians who happened to be out on the streets themselves that late
evening.  Tumbling and rolling over the unlucky one of the pair, Wayne popped up on
his hooves, warily eyeing the two figures.
     He looked first at the figure who had remained standing.  He couldn't be sure of
its gender, but the cowled figure appeared to be a man of some sort, his face
completely hidden beneath his hood.  Despite the lack of features, Wayne immediately
got a sense of death, doom and madness from the man, who made no motion to move, but
simply stood there silently, watching the goat with obvious (and unnerving) interest.
In one hand he held a gnarled wooden staff, in the other both a wooden stool by one
leg, and a metal pail by its handle.
     Wayne looked over at the other figure, a woman he could now tell, who was just
standing up and brushing herself off.  Even in the poor lighting of the cloud-covered
moon, Wayne was struck by her incredible beauty.  Her clothing did not appear native
to Aradi, and on her forehead, evenly spaced above her eyes, a small pair of bumps
protruded.  She carried nothing, or so it seemed.
     "Look, we've startled the poor dear." the woman said with mock sincerity, which
made her voice sound even sexier to Wayne, and Snotman's steed began to lose himself
in her eyes.  "And he's *sooo* cute!"
     "Grab him!" rasped the cowled man suddenly, snapping Wayne out of his reverie.
     Caught between his fear of the man and his massive crush on the woman, Wayne
stood momentarily motionless as the woman came towards him, one hand held behind her
back.  Then common sense returned to him, and he turned tail, fleeing with a clippity
clop off into the night.
     "Let him go." said the man to his companion, who had followed after the goat a
ways.  His voice was cool and unperturbed.  "We are on a tight schedule, my dear, and
besides, no one leaves this island without my knowing about it.  We will pay your new
horned friend a visit soon though."
     "Do you think he liked me?"  Asked the woman with a giggle.
     "What goat with a nut sack wouldn't?" cracked the man, his crooked smile hidden
by shadows.  "But come, we still have a ways to travel, and time is of the essence!"
     Moving quickly now, the pair continued their path to the north gate of the city,
slipping through a part of the wall that had crumbled away.  Now they were outside
the city proper, still heading north, past the outlying farms and to the mysterious
hills of the island.
     At last they stopped, having reached their destination; a green hilltop that was
a bit higher than the neighboring hills.  Above, the clouds parted to reveal the
fullest of moons.
     "Whenever you are ready, my dear." said the man, setting down his staff and at
last taking a seat on his stool.  His pail was at the ready beside him.
     The woman looked up at the faraway moon, her eyebrows arching sharply.  Then she
bent over, covering her face and grabbing her sides.  Strange noises and movements
could be seen and heard beneath the cover of her clothes, and clumps of grey hair
sprouted on the back of her neck and every other piece of exposed skin.  She
continued squirming on the ground, her body changing and snapping some of the
stitching on her dress.  Before long, a mangy she-goat in a tattered dress stood
before the man, her udder softly glistening in the moon light.
     Looking over his shoulder, the man could faintly see the outline of Aradi below
him, again the crooked grin splitting his face.  Without a word spoken, the man
placed the pail beneath the swaying teats, grabbed hold with two hands, and began his
             *****                     *****                      *****
(early the next morning)

     Nuln paced divots into his foyer rug, his mind still spinning with thoughts and
ideas.  At the moment he was waiting for Drugo, his contact from the docks, who was
uncharacteristically late for their dawn meeting.  But there was one detail from the
previous night's events that still vexed Nuln mightily, and for the sake of his
carpet he hoped to find the answer soon.
     "Wijalds, wijalds...." thought Nuln to himself, repeating the one word that the
chaos clone of Goose had repeatedly uttered.  But it was no use.  The word or words
meant nothing to him, not even the faintest glimmer of recognition striking the Chaos
     His attentions were diverted as a sharp rapping at the door was heard just a few
feet from where the Chaos Lord stood.  Nuln thought he could make out the sounds of
feet quickly scampering away down his front steps.  Curious, Nuln waited a moment,
then growled, thinking this was surely yet another pathetic example of Soultaker
practicing his flaming bag of poo trick.
     But when Nuln swung his door inward, he was not greeted by a fiery brown paper
bag.  Instead, he found Drugo, dead, nailed with a giant spike through his collar to
the heavy planks of the front door.  In the dead man's mouth was a hunk of cheese,
and written in blood on it were two words:
     "Nice try."

                + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Soultaker ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Soultaker paced back and forth in his study.  Pandora sat and watched as her
husband muttered and kicked at imaginary obstacles.  She would normally chuckle at
this adolescent behavior, but this was not one of those times.  Pandora deemed it
much wiser to let him get it all out of his system before trying to reason with him.
She understood his reasons for being upset.  What Pandora had a problem with was the
temper tantrum that she must endure till he was able to think rationally.  The
exasperated look on her face must have shown clearly because Soultaker turn on her
with a withering stare.
     "Don't give that look.  You just had to meddle in didn't you," Soultaker pointed
out as a statement not requiring an answer.  "They are laughing," he retorted as he
continued to stomp and invent new obscene adjectives.
     "So, since when have you cared what the derelicts of this stinky fishing village
thinks.  It is not like you have any ties here anymore," Pandora acidly bit back.
She had about all she was going to put up with.  If this had been anyone else she
would have already gutted them and roasted their innards while they still held them.
Even she could not explain why she stayed with him and put up with his crap.
     "This is my home.  This is where my friends are," he turned on her snapping
     "Friends!  You might blow smoke up some people but don't try it with me.  These
so called friends would and have turned on you for little more then the chance to
belittle you," Pandora's voice dripping with disdain.
     "I do have friends.  I have Death Stud and the rest of the FONZ.  I have the
Consortium, the BoB, Mannequin, Dmob, and LHI.  Because I listened to you, I have let
my partner down in the TOGS," Soultaker ranted although his voice held little
     Pandora's patience had reached the breaking point.  Her eyes had begun to turn
blood red.  No longer did she stand back and try and calm her husband but stepped
forward to confront him.  "You of all people should know that only your friends can
hurt you.  An enemy you always watch, but a friend has access to your back.  Need I
remind you of your experience in SCOMSS Swamp."  Pandora paused as she and her
husband stared at one another.  "Your precious friends where there for you, weren't
they?  Death Stud and Sandman jumped at the chance to stab you in the back.  Even
Dmob, whom you considered a close friend was there to humiliate you," Pandora now on
a roll let go with everything.  "Don't let your ego cloud the real intention of that
incident.  Yes, your friends jumped at the chance to stab you in the back, they were
but puppets in the hands of a master puppeteer.  Manager has proven over and over
again that he will stop at nothing to win.  He wanted to add one more trophy to his
tarnished collection.  There was no way that he could ever collect the power to win
the turf war without drawing from best alliances in the realm.  He coated the
recruitment with lies of equality and friendly jest, but in reality he was driving
wedges in powerful alliances and grabbing one more title.  The really sad part was he
was only able to accomplish the win because of your friends blindly following him
just for the chance to get at you.  Even the Consortium has fallen under the master
string pulling of Manager. Creepster has blindly joined hands with him for the TOGS.
Now you can walk around here ranting and raving about your silly 0-5 showing or you
can suck it up and fix the problem," Pandora fumed as she turned away and strolled
out of the room.
     Soultaker waited for the slam of the door before he responded.  "Oh yeah, well
it is your fault.  You are the one that hired Ebony and he hasn't done crap yet,"
Soultaker bellowed as he kicked at the footstool by his chair.  Unlike the imaginary
objects of before this stool did have substance and Soultaker's foot met with
resistance that caused him to hop around cussing and ranting for an honest reason.

               + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Bizzle ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
         "The circus is in town" or "Who gives a crap about Nuln's sex-life"

     It was a chilly morning in Aradi, not a soul on the usually bustling streets.
Something was different on this new day.  Managers were waking from their slumbers
and as if it were another time, as if it weren't TOGS season.  Manager normally would
have been scouting the competition by now, but instead just a nice slow easy morning
hovering over the tea pot.  Creepster would be going over the financial hardships of
TOGS and checking and re-checking his accounting....  Not this eerie morning though,
today Creepster just lay in his bed hugging his My lil' Snottie dolly.  Billy Ray
Xiang would normally have already slopped the pigs and driven up next to someone to
ask if they had a HEMI....  Not on this day I tell you...something was different....
     Ragged crispy leaves blew along the cobblestone streets...they seemed to blow
with a purpose...a sense of direction.  The leaves were followed by a lone cowled
figure who strode along slowly, but determined, as if with the same purpose as the
leaves and the biting wind.  The figure strayed from the middle of the road and
veered to the left towards one of the posts holding up the roof of Scrodbucks.  Four
loud taps shattered the silence of the cold morning and a sheet of parchment hung
from a nail newly fastened to the post.  Another post, another three to four taps,
and another sheet of paper.
     Snotman was the first to venture out into the light of Aradi's sunshine and
jogged over to one of the sheets of paper.  "Come One Come All to the Gre..."
     Snotman could only read that much of the parchment as now it was covered in snot
from his sticky grasp....  "I think I'll go read another one without touching it..."
thought Snotto to himself.  "greatest travelling Circus in the world!  Tonight at the
Aradi Fairgrounds"  Wow, a circus...that might be fun?!  Just then Mannequin appeared
behind Snotman.  "Whoa Mannequin you scared me!!"
     Mannequin just stared coldly.  Nude, and cold...no emotion, no greeting...almost
plastic.  "There you are!  It's back to the department store window for you!  We have
a display to do." the stockboy for the local department store picked up the Mannequin
and carried it down the street....
     "Wow, that was creepy," thought Snotman.  "Lessee....  Bearded Lady...  <yawn>
heck I see Indimar all the time.  Fire Eater...no.  Snake-man, Fortune Teller, blah
blah blah, wait, here we go...The World's Strongest Man....  This looks promising.
If he really is that strong, maybe I could get him to sign up for my TOGS team.  I'd
better check this out.

     <approx. 12 hours later...>

     "Darn, it looks like all the other managers had the same idea." Snotman mumbled
in disappointment.  Sure enough, the line at the tent for the World's Strongest Man
was indeed the longest line and biggest attraction as all the managers and a lot of
townsfolk were here....
     "Gather 'round folks, Gather 'round!" screamed the Carnie pleading people up to
the stage; "and witness the greatest feat of strength your eyes will ever see!"
Minutes later, several HUGE men struggled to carry out a GIGANTIC anchor and dropped
it with an ENORMOUS thud.  This was truly a MASSIVE anchor, seemingly an anchor that
could drag anything down with it.  It had strange markings on its metal frame that
spelled out "S-O-U-L-T"  The managers and townsfolk alike seemed puzzled but before
they could think about it anymore, Deathstud walked out onto the stage in red plastic
boots (not unlike those worn by Eletro-Woman and Dyna-girl, but I digress...) and a
tightly strapped weight belt.  The managers all then realized that they didn't notice
Deathstud in the crowd, but that was normal as he is always lost in a crowd of 2 or
     "Ladies and Gentleman of Aradi, I must have it absolutely quiet as the World's
Strongest Man 'Deathstud' attempts prove he has the strongest shoulders and back in
history as he will attempt before your very eyes to carry 'Soult-anchor'"
     "GASP!!!" the audience groaned as one.  Could it be done?  Surely, No one was
that strong???

-- ppphhhhbbbbrrrttttttt!  (and don't call me shirley, it's Hombre)

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "Yaaawww," yawned Mannequin as he ambled towards the front door of his
guildhouse.  He peeked out the window of the entry and opened the door.  The early
morning chill sent shivers up his spine.  His eyes surveyed the slate gray skies as
he sipped his favorite blend of Scrodbuck's coffee from his mug.  It appeared as
though the skies could open up and unleash a downpour at any moment.  A native of the
Great NorthWet, Mannequin was accustomed to the rainy weather.  In fact, he actually
liked it.  Here in Aradi it kept everything fresh and green, and it improved the air
quality as well.  The rain produced effects which were far different in his home city
of Mordant.  The rains there turned into stagnating pools of water which soon became
infested with mosquitoes.  He wasn't going to miss that while staying in Aradi.
     His eyes dropped to the welcome mat in front of the door where the morning's
edition of the Aradi Free Press awaited him.
     'All Eyes On The Isle As Grand Tourney XLI Set To Begin!' read the headline. The
subheader read, 'Aradi Hopefuls Expect To Do Well'.
     "Hmmm," he thought.  He had not given the tourney much thought to this point.
He needed warriors to represent his guild before he could worry about how they might
do in a Grand Tournament.
     He gently closed the door and made his way to his office.  It looked as though
Samwise the Bald's unique attempt to attract new recruits had failed.  Mannequin had
scouting reports on a few gladiators who had shown promise strewn across his desk.
Unfortunately for him he knew there were good reasons why they had not found places
on the rosters of Aradi's guildmasters.
     "Excellent speed and reflexes, though he lacks the ability to use it
effectively," read one report.
     "Stamina is outstanding, though her bad knee affects her balance and defenses,"
read another.
     He sighed.  It was looking like this edition of TOGS was going to end up like
his last effort.  In failure.
     "Boom!  Boom!  Boom!"
     Mannequin looked up from his notes.  It was still early for visitors and he was
not expecting anyone at this hour.  He walked back to the door and opened it.
     There was no one there.  He glanced to the left, and then the right.  Not a soul
in sight.  "Kids," he thought, and closed the door.
     He was walking down the hall away from the door when he heard the knocking once
     "Boom!  Boom!  Boom!"
     Mannequin ran to the door and threw it open.
     "AH HA!" he cried
     Once again, there appeared to be no one in sight.
     "Eewww," he said, noticing for the first time that he had stepped on something
squishy with his bare feet.  He was about to scrape the offending substance on the
welcome mat when he heard a tiny voice scream, "Noooo!"
     Mannequin hesitated, and closely inspected his foot.  A face with two small eyes
and a large nose stared back at him. He carefully plucked the small creature from
between his toes and placed it in the palm of his hand.
     "Who and what are you, my little friend?" he asked.

AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  I hate my email!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     The line stretching up to the check in counter was longer than Mark liked.  He
had planned to be at the airport early enough to beat the crowds but the traffic on
the 405 had snuffed that idea.  He had lived in SoCal for going on a decade but the
traffic still caught him off guard.  Even thought the freeways (yes, they called them
freeways out here) had 6 lanes of traffic plus a car pool lane in each direction it
still could take forever to get anywhere at certain times of the day.  This must have
been one of those.
     "Where are you going today, sir?"
     Mark had been lost in thought as he had slowly made his way to the counter.  He
was almost startled by the girl's voice.  She was a pretty thing.  Maybe 25...26 on
the outside.  She had pulled her long black hair up and bound it with a red ribbon.
Her neck was a nice honey color and her jet black almond shaped eyes had long
     "Taipei.  Well, Bangkok ultimately."
     "Yes sir.  Passport please."  The pretty girl took his documents and opened them
behind the counter.  She compared the photo to his face.  Mark smiled a toothy smile
that made the girl grin.  He had always liked Asian women....  Especially petite
ones.  Which is how they usually came.  Or maybe that was why he liked Asian women in
the first place.  Who knows...all that mattered is that this girl was hot!
     "The face is in Bangkok this time."
     "The Face to Face."
     "Of course, sir."  It was obvious that the girl had no idea what Mark was
talking about.
     "And I am going to win the Freshmen with Nuln's Nutsack.  He is an awesome AB!"
     At this the lady was obviously starting to look uncomfortable.  "Here, your
ticket sir. You will board at gate 102B.  Oceanic flight 234.  Thank you, sir."
     Mark smiled but the lady was already motioning over the next customer.
     He tried not to talk about his secret hobby but sometimes it just snuck out.
And this time the face was going to be in Bangkok too!  Mark had waited for going on
30 years for a tournament to be held outside the USA and he darn well planned to win
one of the classes.
     Turning from the counter Mark headed past the row of ticket counters and then
under the sign that read ALL GATES.  Glancing at the ticket Mark could see the gate
number printed in slightly smudged black print.  102.  Primus.  It's all in the
numbers he thought.  21.  17.  15.  16.  4.  They were good in some places and not in
others.  But sometimes the numbers didn't matter.  It was the luck.  Is there ambi?
What about the endurance or the damage?  And the favorite learn.  That one can't be
     "Boarding pass and passport, sir."
     Mark passed the documents to the man dressed in the blue uniform.  He was short
and pudgy and balding.  He was older, 60 maybe, with wispy white hair.  He squinted
through his glasses at the ticket before handing back the package and motioning for
Mark to move on.  Stepping past the man, Mark joined the long line of travelers
waiting to pass through the security checkpoint.  It was kinda like waiting to get to
Primus.  You wait and wait and wait and then you are there.  But without the metal
detector and x-ray machine.  But hopefully with a fist fav and the dodge tactic.
     "Yer shoes too ser."
     Sighing inwardly Mark dutifully pulled off his shoes and put them in the
container to be run though the x-ray machine.  He had worn these particular shoes
though security probably 30 times and never had a problem.  And they were his lucky
shoes.  He had first won Primus in these shoes.  And the Freshmen.  And the Rookies.
And that's why he always wore them to each and every Face to Face.  He wanted to win
every class once while wearing these shoes.  Mark knew it was an odd goal...but it
was a goal.  And he only needed 8 more TCs and he would be there.  Maybe this time it
would be the Champions.  Back in the day the champions class was the most fun
class...but now...well, it's not the same.  Before the champions was the class that
you had to work to win for years but was still accessible to the masses.  It was like
the Primus of the working man.  And when you won.  Well, that was an achievement.  It
wasn't due to years of playing or lucking into the right style.  It was planning, and
timing, and skill.


   + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Interlude in the Clone War Saga... ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "Nuln, my marketing people have come up with a great little ad campaign for
those snot pads.  They took some boot walking song and put some snottin' words to it.
Here let me play it for you," Lady E. took a green yellowish crystal and said a few
words over it and music came out with this low raspy female voice singing to a semi
jazzy beat.  Nuln sat back to listen.

We now have something for you, something new
Something we call love for the feet
You've been feelin' rotten when wearing simple cotton
And now we got something so great and so neat

New boots made just for snottin', and that's just how they're filled,
One of these days, your feet are gonna sing aloud for you

So keep snottin', and your toes will be happy
Your feet will soften, instead of getting sore
So keep snottin', no longer feeling rotten
Now that's right, that's right, but you'll feel even more

These boots made just for snottin', and that's just how they're filled,
One of these days, your feet are gonna sing aloud for you

You come and buy, no more should you suffer
It's cool to be snottin', your feet never burn
Ha! No longer feelin' rotten in cotton, oh yeah
Go snottin', now it's time to take your turn.

Are you ready, boots? Start snottin'!

     "So what do you think, Nulnie?  They've also worked some campaign slogans and
commercials as well.  Our snotling hound venture is already taking off from the
breeding standpoint.  I had no idea snotling hounds bred like rabbits!!  There must
have been ten in that last litter already!" said Lady E., amazed at how disgusting
they looked afterward birth, all bloody and snotty.  She had needed to sniff some
pure ginger oil just to keep everything down.
     Nuln laughed.  "Yeah, they do breed well.  We will have enough snotling hounds
to keep the volumes steady with even just those 12 hounds for now."
     Snotman bounced into the room in his snottin' boots, a deluxe new line just
introduced by the manufacturer that morning.  "Nuln, babe, are you snottin'?"
     "Of course, I've not forgotten to keep on snottin'!"
     "Lady E, a dream in cotton, are you snottin'?" beamed the happy Snotman with his
happy toes.
     "I am so NOT snottin', it feels so rotten...to me," smiled Lady E.  "However,
sales right now are through the roof.  There are lots of others snottin' according to
the sales figures.  Those commercials with you and Nuln, snottin' and trottin' in the
marketplace of Aradi have been real hits!"
     "Yeah, I know," said Snotman.  "We had a blast with Soultaker and Manager in our
     Nuln broke up laughing at that memory....
     "Nuln, are you snottin'?" said Snotman, bouncing like a tigger type creature.
     "Of course!  I'm so hot to trottin', when I'm goin' snottin'!" Nuln smiled
widely as he bounced like gravity was meaningless.  Two beautiful models in the
background swooned at this feat.
     Soultaker strolled by with a lascivious grin at the two swooned models.  "I've
got laid a lottin', since I've been snottin'!"
     "Of course!" said Nuln.  "Haven't we all since snottin'?  No longer misbegotten
or feeling old and rotten, cuz we're all snottin'!"
     Suddenly, Manager popped up from the background.  "I'm snottin'!"  He was
obviously not snottin'.
     Snotman bounced back, and shook his head.  "Oh no, you are so not snottin'.
You're not even wearing cotton, so essential to real snottin'."
     Nuln added, shaking his head, "Yep, you've definitely forgotten, sock snottin'
requires cotton."
     Manager hung his head.  Commercial ends with Soultaker, Nuln, and Snotman
bouncing away and Manager shuffling away in the sunset.
     Lady E. grinned.  These two were great partners to have in this investment
venture.  She was lucky that these two walked their talk...or rather cottoned to
their snottin'.

               + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Death Stud ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                         The Search for Nuln's Missing "eth"

(continued from last turn's abrupt ending)
     With the FONZ loser brigade as unlikely culprits, there were still several
managers who had participated in previous TOGS and could have an axe to grind.  There
were also several new entrants in to the TOGS this year who would require some
serious consideration.
     Seraphim and his partner Lord Xiang were TOGS first timers.  But, they both
seemed harmless enough, and unless puffing out one's chest and acting superior was a
crime (and then we'd have to arrest all 'Larqs), their biggest transgression in Aradi
was likely to be all the easy wins they'd be giving to Death Stud's competition.
Seraphim was about as milqetoast as they come and probably had Clay Aiken's entire
musical works on permanent loop on his EyePodd (TM) player, so the odds of him taking
a break from shooting pouty come-hither looks while lip-synching to himself in the
mirror long enough to pull off something this dastardly seemed ridiculous.  And while
Death Stud inherently didn't trust anyone with a mullet, Seraphim's partner Billy Ray
Xiang was clearly more bark than bite and rarely taken seriously by anyone.

(and now the new stuff)
     And what about Ultraist and Jekyll, some of the other wannabe Delarquans?  While
it was natural to distrust the Delarquans because of their reputation of being
willing to do anything to win, these two seemed an unlikely as the eth thieves.
While Ultraist had been in (and punked out of) previous TOGS, he hadn't really caused
much trouble other than being paired with Lessdraith.  And hadn't really made any
enemies, especially Nuln.  It just didn't add up.  Behind that barking was just a
little Puppy, nothing to be too concerned about.  And ever since Ultraist had gotten
back into town, he had spent all of his time fighting off the Commission's tax
collectors.  On the other hand, Death Stud did think that Jekyll was one to watch.
At least he had thought that until he really started to see what was going on with
this pair.  After some observation, Death Stud realized that Jekyll was actually not
a manager at all, but a wooden dummy perched on Ultraist's knee with a meaty fist
inserted up from the deep south.  Ultraist would say something, then Jekyll would
mimic it back at him.  "Oh yes, you're so smart, Ultraist."  "Of course you're right,
Ultraist."  "Oh yes Ultraist, Kentucky football IS very fearsome."  But, everyone
could see Ultraist's lips moving every time Jekyll spoke and when he tried to drink a
glass of water while having Jekyll talk, he dribbled water all down his tunic, Jekyll
sounded like he was drowning, and Ultraist ended sucking water into his lungs that
started him coughing and gagging.  No doubt Ultraist had gotten one of those "Learn
Ventriloquism at Home in Two Easy Lessons" DVD's and thought himself quite clever,
but he really should have contacted half.com and asked for his thirty-seven
gggggggg cents back.  [I swear to God that I just dozed off while writing my story
and that is what I woke up too.  Oh, that too f'ing much!  In fact, I am amused
enough to leave it there to share with you all.  And no I won't count that against my
length requirement.  OK, whew.  Now I think I was saying something about how Ultraist
should have asked for his thirty-seven cents back.]  Death Stud dismissed this pair
fairly easily and made a mental note to send Soultaker with some fragranced arm soap
over to the Elements of Power guildhouse.  Woof.
     Ghoti and Street Legal were a pair that he would have to keep an eye on and
neither of them could be trusted.  Stud had received a disturbing report that morning
from the man he had sent over to surveil the My Best Buds guildhouse and training
grounds.  Although the area hung in an ever-present cloud of smoke, the man was able
to secure a vantage into the compound and reported that during the day he had
witnessed mostly the regular activities of a stable, with morning and afternoon
workout and sparring sessions, instructions on various fight techniques, and a hearty
midday meal, all typical stuff.  The only oddity had been the arrival of several
heavily-laden carts during the day.  At first the man thought it had been just a
standard delivery of food or supplies that any established facility might get of
foodstuffs and supplies.  By the fourth or fifth delivery of the day, Death Stud's
man was very suspicious.  This was too many deliveries for one day for even the
largest outfit.  He had noticed that the carts seemed to be carrying the same
product, bales of some type of plant or grass with tarp stretched taut across the
bulging load.  The drivers came in from different routes at different times and were
ushered into a service entrance where a small crew swiftly unloaded them.  There was
no conversation and the drivers were paid on the spot by a gaunt clerk and left as
soon as the work was done.  It looked like someone was in the smuggling business and
he had decided to investigate further that evening.
     During the evening investigation, the agent had secured entrance into the
guildhouse and made his way to the area that seemed to be the source of the smoke.
Under the manager Street Legal's direction, the agent witnessed workmen loading large
quantities of the leafy substance into braziers in a room at the center of the
building.  Street Legal barked orders to the men, "You over there, put your back into
it and keep that fire stoked."  "C'mon men, we have a reputation to develop here in
Aradi and these fires provide the signature smoke that we are known for.  Keep
feeding in that mean green and don't forget to pack the pipe collection and refill
the blunt cabinet."  Our man snuck over to the warehouse to inspect the plants and
found out that they were nothing more than plain tobacco.  All this time, Street
Legal had been duping everyone into thinking he was hardcore, but if you watched him
closely, he smoked like Clinton and didn't even inhale into his little girly-man
lungs.  Death Stud read over the report again and wondered what else Street Legal was
     Ghoti had been in at least one of the early TOGS and had made himself a
veritable hemorrhoid for Nuln, rules-lawyering and trying to get around the
requisites.  Nuln had given him some attitude and that was motive enough to watch
Ghoti closely.  Plus, Death Stud had run some background checks into his history and
found that his name wasn't even Ghoti (Fish).  It was actually Dewghuhs (that's
pronounced DEW as in the dew on the ground, GH as in the ending of the word cough,
and US and in us and them) and he had spent most of his adult life searching for some
mysterious artifact called a Lyfe.  He apparently didn't have one and was in dire
need of one, but was unable to get one.  Obviously, this was merely one of the lies
that Ghoti was telling.  Where did the lies and the deception end?  Dewghuhs would
definitely bear watching and Death Stud was probably going to need to interview him
to find out more about this Dewghuhs and his lack of a Lyfe.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Rankings after two turns of the TOGS is complete.  Samwise and Mannequin come
roaring into first with 71 fight points this turn (excluding spots, personals, etc)
and a very strong second of 45 fight points by Nuln/Snotman places them in second
overall.  I'm liking the top 4 so far (flashes cool FONZ gang hand sign).
     Because this is a forum for gentlemanly behavior and courtesy, I'll refrain from
making public mention of Rascally Rabbit missing the turn altogether, Soultaker's
flaming 0-5 turn or Manager's 0-5 with a paltry 11 fight points for their whole team
this turn.  I would never think of calling out Ultraist and Jekyll for a zero point
turn on the sands this turn with an 0-9 combined and an overall 2-18 record.  That
just wouldn't be nice <grin>. I'm sure karma will strike me appropriately next turn

T389 TOGS totals
                             TOTAL     Turn 2 Turn 2 Turn 2 Turn 2 Turn 2
TEAM                         POINTS    Fights  Spots   Ads  Avoids   DM
------- ------------------- ------- -- ------ ------ ------ ------ ------
TEAM 2                        133        71     10
TEAM 9                        122        45     10
TEAM 7                        120        41     10
TEAM 3                        103        21     10                   10
TEAM 11                        93        41     10
TEAM 4                         87        42     10
TEAM 12                        87        38     10
TEAM 8                         86        25     10            -5
TEAM 13                        80        38     10
TEAM 10                        67        31      0
TEAM 1                         66        28     10
TEAM 14                        60        25     10
TEAM 6                         49        11     10
TEAM 5                         34         0     10


WARRIOR:                                      WARRIOR:            WINNER: PNTS:
F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE  was overpowered by        INIGO               TEAM 1   7
AQUA NETTA              lost to               STARLING            TEAM 1   7
SYDA HAMMIE             lost to               MANDA               TEAM 1      7
MULLIGAN            was bested by             HOFFA               TEAM 1      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  28

PINTO BEANS             defeated              CIALIS              TEAM 2   10
MALT-O-MEAL             demolished            SNOW WHITE          TEAM 2   10
CLAPTON                 devastated            TIGER TY            TEAM 2   10
LIMA BEANS              unbelievably bested   COYOTE              TEAM 2   10
PORN STARR              handily defeated      JADE                TEAM 2   7
SQUIGGNERD              overpowered           ZEROSE              TEAM 2   7
SUGAR BOTTOMS           executed              HILLARY             TEAM 2   10
SPINACH                 overcame              POWDERED UNDERCHIN  TEAM 2      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  71

DR. FEELGOOD        was vanquished by         FALCON XLI          TEAM 3   7
ONE-TIMER               unbelievably bested   HOLLY SKULL         TEAM 3   4
COBRA XXI               demolished            LOOSE DENTURES      TEAM 3   10
                                                                  -TOTAL:  21

G DUBYAH                demolished            VIPER LXXI          TEAM 4   10
SPAM SANDWICH       was overcome by           MEALS ON WHEELS     TEAM 4   7
OXYGEN TANK             slimly won victory oveCHIM RICHALDS       TEAM 4   7
FALOPIAN            was beaten by             BIN LADEN           TEAM 4   7
DRIZZLE             was savagely defeated by  WALMART GREETER     TEAM 4   7
CONDI                   won victory over      DERS                TEAM 4      4
                                                                  -TOTAL:  42

SMIRLIN             was luckily beaten by     TINY TIM            TEAM 6      7
WHITE WITCH             unbelievably bested   WILD CHILD          TEAM 6      4
                                                                  -TOTAL:  11

PANTHER                 beat                  VOLMAX              TEAM 7   10
SILENT SPOCKER          overpowered           CLINTON             TEAM 7   10
HURRICANE XXXVII    was unbelievably bested byHYDRO ON THE D-LO   TEAM 7      7
MOUSE                   devastated            HURTICANE           TEAM 7      7
FUN IN THE BARN     was overpowered by        PIZNAUL JIZNOKE     TEAM 7      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  41

SUNSHINE            was overpowered by        TYVEK               TEAM 8   7
ANTHRAX             was subdued by            TYVIN LXIX          TEAM 8   7
BLUE BEANIE             subdued               JIM PANZI           TEAM 8      4
PHREAK              was outwaited by          VENREK              TEAM 8      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  25

DERRIN              was overcome by           SHMAMY CROCKETT     TEAM 9   7
LEG WARMER LUST         savagely defeated     FRANK               TEAM 9   10
GREEN DISEASE       was unbelievably bested byRACOON HAMMER       TEAM 9   7
THE AVENGING SCROD      overcame              STORM FIRE          TEAM 9   10
ACE OF SPADES       was overpowered by        NULN'S NUTSACK      TEAM 9      4
TECHNISQUID             overcame              MADONNA             TEAM 9      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  45

HOLSTIEN HEAVEN         won victory over      SMALL INTESTINE     TEAM 10  10
STORM               was overpowered by        MISS UNDERSTOOD     TEAM 10  7
BLOODLUST MUTE      was luckily beaten by     BUTTERFLY           TEAM 10  7
MYSTERY                 viciously subdued     NINJA               TEAM 10     7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  31

JAMIS                   savagely defeated     ANALISE             TEAM 11  10
KARMA CHAMELEON         demolished            VAS DEFERENS        TEAM 11  10
BOSTON TERRIER          devastated            SIGMOID COLON       TEAM 11     7
PREIA                   subdued               ASHI                TEAM 11     7
NATALIA             was unbelievably bested byPRIVATE PARTS       TEAM 11     7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  41

HOSCHA                  defeated              FIRE                TEAM 12  10
GRAFFIX                 overcame              JACK THE RIPPER     TEAM 12  10
EUSTACHIAN          was savagely defeated by  ZIG-ZAG MAN         TEAM 12  7
HOWLER              was vanquished by         CEPL                TEAM 12     4
DEMOLITION MAN      was savagely defeated by  MARY JANE           TEAM 12     7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  38

BRAE'TAC                overcame              TRINITY             TEAM 13  10
AMANDA              was luckily beaten by     KREE                TEAM 13  7
JAVA                    defeated              GOOFY               TEAM 13     7
HARSIESUS               savagely slew         CALDER              TEAM 13     7
MACS                    overpowered           SCROD BUSTER        TEAM 13     7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  38

ASGARD              was beaten by             HEAVEN              TEAM 14  7
CRUSADER                devastated            WILSON FERGUSON     TEAM 14     4
DEATH SPONGE        was overpowered by        CRASS               TEAM 14     7
RANDOM                  defeated              BANANAS             TEAM 14     7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  25

     There were a few challenges into the TOGS this turn that I really hope we can
avoid in the future.  I have talked to the managers involved and am hopeful and
fairly confident that they won't be challenging into the contest any more.
     Two turns down, eleven to go.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "What!" exclaimed A-Sop!  "Just answer the five W's and H!"
     "Huh?" replied Death Stud confusidly.
     "You know," A-Sop stated, "Who, What, When, Where, Why and How?  You know, the
     "Well, it's a Golden Scrod on a plaque.  I found it years ago, I sorta mentioned
having seen something to a few friends, and the tournament started from that."
     "If you 'sorta mentioned it to a few friends' why don't they know the plaque
really exists?" asked A-Sop.
     "Well...you see...it's kinda like...umm...well...I'd...uh...well... we'd
     "Stop umming and welling and just say it!" exclaimed the Lady.  "Your
explanation is leaving a good deal to be desired.  Especially since you seem to want
my help!"
     "Well, I mentioned it, in passing one night when we'd been out partying.  I
don't remember what we were celebrating, in fact I don't remember much of anything
about that night." remarked Death Stud with a shamed smirk.
     "Then how do you know you mentioned it?" inquired A-Sop
     "Nuln mentioned it a few days later.  But he just thought it sounded like a
great joke to play on Aradi, he didn't really think that the plaque existed.  He was
planning to do something with some kind of paint or something, but it turns out you
can't paint a Scrod.  They have something in their skin--scales--whatever, so that
even after they're dead the color just won't stick.  We didn't find that out til
after the first contest was announced and underway, so we 'made up' the story that
there really wasn't a 'Golden Scrod'," explained Death Stud.
     "Okay, I guess I followed that well enough," stated A-Sop.  "So how did
Soultaker come to find out there really was a 'Golden Scrod' and that you had it?"
     "Well, there was this one night, Soultaker and Pandora Pretty Legs had been out
on the town.  It had started out as a good night apparently, but something happened
and Pandora wasn't happy.  She had to go and clean up after some trouble.  They ran
into me, as she was leaving and Soultaker decided to stay and talk with me, while
Pandora went to run her errand."
     "Uh-huh," replied A-Sop, "how many bottles of what did the two of you put away
before she got back?"
     "Well," smirked Death Stud, "I don't really remember that either.  But I do know
that sometime before the sun came up, we were back at my guildhouse.  I think we
moved there when everywhere else seemed to have run out of our favorite drinks.  You
know, the one's with the little umbrella things that stick out of them?"
     A-Sop shuddered as she thought of how many drinks it would take to empty the
bars in Aradi.  That Soultaker and Death Stud could drink that much didn't really
surprise her, that anyone would let them did.
     "In any case, we ended up back in my office at the guildhouse and, well, he saw
     "So, you'd just left it lying around in your office at the guildhouse?" inquired
     "I'd been trying to figure out where to put it.  I couldn't just put it in the
hallway, then everyone coming in would see it.  I hadn't completed the work on my
little hideaway yet, so, I guess it was just kind of sitting there."
     "I assume the amount of alcohol the two of you consumed left Soultaker unsure as
to wether or not he'd actually seen the trophy, right?" asked A-Sop.
     "Yes," stated Death Stud.  "Now, can you help me?"

                                      SPY REPORT

     Much has changed in ARADI since last I was here.  Never fear, Olaf Modeen adapts 
to many situations, as do all successful fighters.  Bein' on top is great while it 
lasts, DEATH STUDS VII.  But how many friends do you have now?  Who can explain it?  
Not you, not me, not CHEER-O-KEE'S' opponents, after watching them shoot up the ranks 
from 21st to 10th.  You know what they say about the herd of lions who studied a 
judge...  SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 moved up 13 places, to 16th.  Who can explain it?  Not 
you, not me, not THINGS ILL NEVER GET's opponents, after watching them shoot up the 
ranks from 30th to 18th.  ARADI RESORT & SPA bit the big one as they could not win.  
They dropped from 6th down to 19th!  Are you guy giving lessons or what?  You know 
what they say about the herd of lions who studied a judge...  VOUGEOOT moved up 14 
places, to 20th.  Who can explain it?  Not you, not me, not MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4's 
opponents, after watching them shoot up the ranks from 35th to 22nd.  Looking for a 
good fight, confident, skilled, tough opponents.  Well don't look at BUGS, SLUGS & 
THUGS, cause they dropped by 14.  Ever take one of those association tests?  You 
know, he says black, you say white.  Water-Lake, Sky-Blue. Try this:  Flop.  OGRES 
ARE US!  Looking for a good fight, confident, skilled, tough opponents.  Well don't 
look at CRAZY CREEPS, cause they dropped by 12.  DILLIGAF LEGION bit the big one as 
they could not win.  They dropped from 10th down to 30th!  Are you guy giving lessons 
or what?  4000 BLOWS showed ARADI what they were made of as they fought with a 
vengeance to walk off with 4-1-0.  What's with DISPOSABLE?  He actually beat WING 
HOVE's PREIA, and walked away with 26 more points from the fight.  Laughs were big at 
AARP while they watched OXYGEN TANK clobber KARMA CHAMELEON.  He lost 13 points and 
got bruised from objects thrown from the stands.  DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2's hatred of 
DEATH STUDS VII surfaced again as BLUE BEANIE challenged ARADI's top dog.  I can 
barely restrain my enthusiam for DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2's outstanding member, 
Duelmaster BLUE BEANIE.  I suppose you want to hear some rumors and dirty gossip 
about your fellow fighters?  Tough!   
     No matter the time or place, men will always duel.  The most avoided team was 
4000 BLOWS.  In my day, no team with a 620-678-30 would scare me off!  What's the 
problem, 4000 BLOWS?  How well I know the feeling of being the most challenged 
warrior, HOLSTIEN HEAVEN!  Don't make idle boasts, they may come back to haunt you.  
FALCON XLI expects the easy win by going 67 points down.  MISS UNDERSTOOD will find 
this a hard lesson!  FALCON XLI killed MISS UNDERSTOOD.  I bet FALCON XLI could beat 
two-year-olds, too.  Well, THE MISGUIDED knows who to set their sights on.  Taunt 
your opponent TYVEK!  That was my lucky charm when I was unfairly challenged.  (and 
by 19 points!)  HYDRO ON THE D-LO should have an easy win.  I have to get this off my 
chest.  What a low dog, HYDRO ON THE D-LO!  He can't set himself up in a real match.  
I was sorry to see TYVEK lose.  Maybe SILENT WARRIORS' BLOODLUST MUTE is one of those 
guys who likes pain, or something.  That's what he'll get next week, after 
challenging up 26 to VENREK.  VENREK must not been fighting well, cause it lost to 
BLOODLUST MUTE of SILENT WARRIORS.  Sometimes you just have a bad day where things 
get, um, mixed up.   
     Warriors of ARADI unite.  You have only your games to lose!  FIRE looked pretty 
sick and surprised when she learned ELEMENTS OF POWER is sending her to the Dark 
Arena!  Whadd'she expect with a 6-5-1?  Hmm...  More surprises must remain in store 
for me, if AXESHI can return from the Dark Arena.  We all knew it had to happen 
sooner or later.  A warrior can't stick around with a 12-18-0, and FALCON XLI easily 
took care of MISS UNDERSTOOD.  Yeah, yeah, DISPOSABLE killed PREIA, who was "too 
young to die."  Well, she was a fighter, and that's what you have to face.  FALCON 
XLI had a sure-fire victory when he challenged MISS UNDERSTOOD, 67 points below him.  
Was anyone really surprised when MISS UNDERSTOOD bit it?  Many a warrior has met his 
fate in a hungover stupor.  You young rapscallions, take note!   
     Who knows what the future holds for a warrior.  More fights, there's no doubt.  
Are you as tired of reading this as I am of writing it?  Actually, I guess I'm 
writing it before you read it.  Oh, well.  Remember--a good fighter needs both good 
skills and good luck.  Until next time,-- Olaf Modeen  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 BLUE BEANIE 6461             19  15  1   125       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 FALCON XLI 7341              12  10  3   170       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 HOLLY SKULL 7276             16  14  0   113       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
 SEHENSTES 7339               13  10  2   105       VOUGEOOT (464)
 ONE-TIMER 7169               28   6  0   102       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
-THE TAIL 7253                17  30  0   101       RED DOG GANG (476)
 DERALD 7285                  10   7  0   101       4000 BLOWS (107)
 VOLMAX 7592                   4   1  0    98       MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
 NAPPY DUGOUT 6080            22  26  1    97       WILD CARDS (148)
 SMIRLIN 6568                 16  14  0    95       OGRES ARE US (270)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 WARAGEN 5573                 15   6  0    89       SAAB STORY (389)
 TINY TIM 6042                10   3  0    89       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
-JIM PANZI 7382                8   5  0    89       FUNKY FOLK (565)
-FLOWER 7255                  19  28  0    85       RED DOG GANG (476)
 PANTHER 7320                  9   8  1    84       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
-STEVIE 7271                  17  24  0    80       RED DOG GANG (476)
 IN PARI DELICTO 7283         18  21  1    76       LEGALESE (449)
 SHMAMY CROCKETT 7216         12   5  0    70       4000 BLOWS (107)
 MOUSE 7318                    7  11  0    70       SILENT WARRIORS (561)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 STORM 4741                   10   7  0    69       ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 HURRICANE XXXVII 7379         9   8  1    66       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 TAY STARLE 6808              10  10  2    64       WING HOVE (529)
 JAMIS 6735                    9  12  1    64       WING HOVE (529)
 MALT-O-MEAL 7527              7   0  1    64       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 HYDRO ON THE D-LO 7642        6   1  1    60       THE BIZZLE (593)
 DERRIN 6952                   9   9  0    57       WING HOVE (529)
 LEG WARMER LUST 7717          4   0  0    57       4000 BLOWS (107)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 BUTTERFLY 7338               13   4  0    56       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
 SYDA HAMMIE 6667             13  10  0    55       OGRES ARE US (270)
 BLOODLUST MUTE 7701           3   2  0    55       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 HURTICANE 4740                7   3  0    54       ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
 OXYGEN TANK 7574              6   1  0    54       AARP (583)
 PINTO BEANS 7531              5   5  0    54       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 MYSTERY 7354                 12  12  0    52       THE MISGUIDED (559)
 ANALISE 7544                  8   3  0    52       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 SNOW WHITE 7486               6   6  0    50       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 PHREAK 7327                  11  16  0    49       THE MISGUIDED (559)
 HYQ 7388                      9   9  2    48       VOUGEOOT (464)
 DR. FEELGOOD 7130             5   7  0    48       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 CLAPTON 7691                  3   0  1    47       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 SONETT 7088                   7   1  1    46       SAAB STORY (389)
 LIMA BEANS 7530               7   2  0    46       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 CHIM RICHALDS 7491            3   8  1    46       4000 BLOWS (107)
 MANDA 7546                    7   4  1    45       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 SILENT SPOCKER 7700           4   1  0    45       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
-BULLY BOY 7447                8  10  0    44       RED DOG GANG (476)
 TYVEK 7478                    3   2  0    43       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
-G DUBYAH 7611                 3   4  0    43       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
 HARSIESUS 6871                5   1  1    42       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
 HOSCHA 6835                   9   8  0    41       OGRES ARE US (270)
 PIZNAUL JIZNOKE 7641          5   2  1    41       THE BIZZLE (593)
 VAS DEFERENS 7534             7   2  0    39       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 VIPER LXXI 7566               4   4  0    39       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 CRUSADER 7625                 3   2  0    39       DARK TOADS (590)
 SUGAR BOTTOMS 7690            3   0  1    38       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 EUSTACHIAN 7499               4   4  0    37       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 VENREK 7477                   6   3  0    35       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 SUNSHINE 7593                 3   3  0    35       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 JACK THE RIPPER 7487          5   5  0    34       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 MEALS ON WHEELS 7575          3   4  0    34       AARP (583)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 STARLING 7630                 7   1  0    33       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
 INIGO 7545                    6   5  0    33       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 SUTTY 7685                    4   2  0    33       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 COBRA XXI 7725                3   0  0    33       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 JAVA 7779                     3   0  0    33       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
 SIGMOID COLON 7533            2   3  0    33       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 STORM FIRE 7597               2   1  0    33       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 AXESHI 7675                   1   2  1    33       VOUGEOOT (464)
 KARMA CHAMELEON 7636          5   2  1    32       ATLAS PARK (592)
 WALMART GREETER 7576          3   4  0    32       AARP (583)
 FALOPIAN 7498                 2   4  0    32       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 THALIA 7547                   5   6  0    31       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 FUN IN THE BARN 7673          5   1  0    30       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
 HOLSTIEN HEAVEN 7674          4   2  0    30       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
 AQUA NETTA 7775               2   1  0    30       THE BIZZLE (593)
 NINJA 7357                    5   6  0    29       SILENT WARRIORS (561)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SPAM SANDWICH 7524            3   4  0    29       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 GRAFFIX 6909                  6  10  0    28       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 SMALL INTESTINE 7535          4   7  1    28       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 CIALIS 7659                   4   2  0    28       AARP (583)
 RUKGAZ 7564                   2   1  0    28       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 FRANK 7484                    7   6  0    27       THE MISGUIDED (559)
 THE AVENGING SCROD 7649       4   0  1    27       4000 BLOWS (107)
 TRINITY 7734                  2   1  0    27       DARK TOADS (590)
 TYVIN LXIX 7648               2   1  0    27       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083              5   3  0    26       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 BIN LADEN 7646                5   2  0    26       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
 LOOSE DENTURES 7573           2   5  0    26       AARP (583)
 DISPOSABLE 7808               1   0  1    26       MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
 WHITE WITCH 7542              5   2  0    25       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 NIGHT HAG 7598                5   2  0    25       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
 SQUIGGNERD 7694               3   0  0    25       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 SAUSAGE BOWL 7794             2   0  1    25       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
 GOOFY 7488                    4   8  0    24       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 DOA 7773                      2   0  0    24       SAAB STORY (389)
 KRAKEN 7679                   1   5  0    24       DILEN'S HORDE (587)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 CEPL 6666                     3   4  0    23       OGRES ARE US (270)
 RACOON HAMMER 7709            3   1  0    23       WILD CARDS (148)
 NULN'S NUTSACK 7782           2   1  0    23       WILD CARDS (148)
-GADGET 4574                   2   2  0    22       RESCUE RANGERS (362)
 TIGER TY 7665                 4   1  0    21       WING HOVE (529)
-CRASS 7751                    2   0  0    21       THIRSTY THUGS (600)
 ACE OF SPADES 7480            4   4  0    20       METAL MELTDOWN (344)
 OSO 7682                      3   3  0    19       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 DERS 7683                     3   3  0    19       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 CONDI 7613                    1   2  0    19       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
 DRIZZLE 5774                  4   6  0    18       ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
-WILD CHILD 7479               3   3  0    18       METAL MELTDOWN (344)
 ZEROSE 7741                   2   1  0    18       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 MADONNA 7780                  1   2  0    18       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
-CHIP 7298                     1   1  0    18       RESCUE RANGERS (362)
-ATALAN 7656                   0   2  0    18       PHILANTHROPISTS (594)
 COYOTE 7626                   4   4  1    17       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
 BOSTON TERRIER 7638           3   4  0    17       ATLAS PARK (592)
 F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE 7639       3   4  0    17       THE BIZZLE (593)
 ETTIN 7600                    3   4  0    17       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
 FLAMENCO A GO-GO 7662         3   3  0    17       ATLAS PARK (592)
 B.C. GOLD 7787                1   1  0    17       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 NATALIA 7790                  1   1  0    17       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 DE NOVO 7567                  3   6  1    16       LEGALESE (449)
 WILSON FERGUSON 7686          3   3  0    16       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 ANTHRAX 7669                  1   2  0    15       MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
 PESMERGA 7813                 1   0  0    15       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 PORN STARR 7693               2   1  1    14       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 GREEN DISEASE 7718            1   2  0    14       MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
 LIQUID DOOM 5812              2   7  0    13       ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
 PRIVATE PARTS 7798            2   0  0    13       ATLAS PARK (592)
 TEMPLAR 7622                  1   4  0    13       DARK TOADS (590)
 HOWLER 7602                   1   6  0    13       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
 HEAVEN 7735                   1   2  0    13       DARK TOADS (590)
 DEATH SPONGE 7692             1   2  0    13       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 KREE 6870                     2   1  0    12       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
-ZIPPER 4404                   1   5  0    12       RESCUE RANGERS (362)
-AN AVERAGE JOE 7281           1   0  0    11       RESCUE RANGERS (362)
-RAZE 7732                     1   1  0    11       WRECKING CREW (598)
-ETAN FROCK 7658               1   0  0    11       PHILANTHROPISTS (594)
 YELLOW JACKET 7627            1   7  0    10       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 THE LBA 7810                  1   0  0    10       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
 MARY JANE 7173                2   2  0     9       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 BRAE'TAC 6895                 2   1  0     9       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
 ASGARD 6892                   1   2  0     9       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
 TECHNISQUID 7708              2   2  0     8       WILD CARDS (148)
-RANDOM 7761                   1   1  0     7       THIRSTY THUGS (600)
 ERRA EVAD 7652                1   3  0     6       VOUGEOOT (464)
-DAGAT 7657                    1   0  0     6       PHILANTHROPISTS (594)
 ASHI 7802                     1   1  0     6       THE MISGUIDED (559)
 ULN-IR 7817                   1   0  0     6       VOUGEOOT (464)
 POWDERED UNDERCHIN 7785       0   2  0     6       WILD CARDS (148)
-KRUSHER 7786                  1   0  0     5       WRECKING CREW (598)
 SPINACH 7789                  1   1  0     4       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 MACS 7797                     1   1  0     4       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
 HOFFA 7713                    1   1  0     4       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
-JADE 7756                     1   1  0     4       THIRSTY THUGS (600)
 NINE HUNDRED 7681             1   1  0     4       SAAB STORY (389)
 PINK 7809                     1   0  0     4       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
-AMANDA 7744                   0   2  0     2       THIRSTY THUGS (600)
 WHISTLE PIG 7806              0   2  0     2       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
 BANANAS 7795                  0   2  0     2       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
 9000 7772                     0   2  0     2       SAAB STORY (389)
-DEMOLITION MAN 7733           0   2  0     2       WRECKING CREW (598)
 OLD WARTY 7811                0   1  0     1       OGRES ARE US (270)
 YUBER 7812                    0   1  0     1       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 ONE HOT BABE 7816             0   1  0     1       ATLAS PARK (592)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD               W  L K TEAM NAME             SLAIN BY             TURN Revenge?
NATASHA 7620           3  2 0 ARADI RESORT & SP 580 CHIM RICHALDS 7491    388         
RSI HATES ME 7815      0  1 0 THE BIZZLE 593        SEA MONSTER 27        390 NONE    
CROW 7628              2  2 1 BUGS, SLUGS & THU 591 KARMA CHAMELEON 7636  386 NOT REVE
TOWN BICYCLE 7781      0  3 0 THE BUNKHOUSE 595     STONE GOLEM 26        390 NONE    
SIVART 7684            1  2 0 THE BUNKHOUSE 595     THE AVENGING SCR 7649 387         
SCROD BUSTER 7788      0  2 0 CHEER-O-KEE'S 557     JORGE BLACK ORC 20    390 NONE    
LIVER 7525             0  1 0 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA 579  PORN STARR 7693       388         
ARNIE SHEW 21          0  1 0 DARK ARENA 0          AXESHI 7675           390 NONE    
DEVOURER 7601          3  2 0 DILEN'S HORDE 587     HYQ 7388              388         
CLINTON 7612           2  6 0 DILLIGAF LEGION 589   BORED ELF 19          390 NONE    
HILLARY 7647           1  5 0 DILLIGAF LEGION 589   SUGAR BOTTOMS 7690    389         
FIRE 4739              6  6 1 ELEMENTS OF POWER 390 BORED ELF 19          390 NONE    
SAL MONELLA 7557       0  5 0 FUNKY FOLK 565        BORED ELF 19          390 NONE    
MULLIGAN 7803          0  2 0 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 585 GARGOYLE PRINCE 25    390 NONE    
MISS UNDERSTOOD 7301  12 18 0 THE MISGUIDED 559     FALCON XLI 7341       390         
4-FT PARTY BONG 6908  12  6 0 MY BEST BUDS 2 542    FALCON XLI 7341       388         
OPERA 7776             0  1 0 THINGS ILL NEVER  601 CLAPTON 7691          388         
SOAP OPERAS 7796       0  1 0 THINGS ILL NEVER  601 SAUSAGE BOWL 7794     389         
CALDER 7784            0  2 0 THIRSTY THUGS 600     HARSIESUS 6871        389         
PREIA 7664             3  2 0 WING HOVE 529         DISPOSABLE 7808       390         

                                     PERSONAL ADS

Pauly -- Can we stop meeting on the sands?  There's a thing called TOGS going on.
Maybe I'll stop by Valamantis and show you what's up.  By the way, did you see your
boy Jekyll is here.  Too bad TOGS is goin, I'd love to see you two go at it again. --

All -- There seems to be a problem with the Stagor Alliance.  I'll keep you posted.
-- Eureka

Indimar -- The twist is coming -- Cyber

Loving would be easy
If your colours were like my dream
Red, gold and green
Red, gold and green -- Karma Chameleon

LHI -- Disappointed in your partner yet?  It's only a matter of time, you realize....
-- TUM

LHI -- Gods know we're disappointed! -- eTUM

Nuln -- Delighted to be here.  It's actually fun to be writing spots again.  Just
wish I had more time. -- TUM

Nuln -- What in the heck is a spotlight? -- eTUM

Lady E. -- The rust shakes off slowly, but I appreciate the notice. -- TUM

     *hands TUM a broom and dustpan*  Be sure to sweep up the rust, it's making a
     mess of the carpet. -- Ed.

Lady E. -- What in the heck is a spotlight? -- eTUM

Manager -- What were the odds on LHI and I remember for three whole turns in a row??
We are kings of scrod!! -- TUM

Manager -- What in the heck is a Scrod? -- eTUM

Free Press Editor -- A Blue Bonnet?  I'm touched!  It will match my eyes. -- TUM

Free Press Editor -- A Blue Bonnet?  It was delicious. -- eTUM

Rascally Rabbit -- Hey, no sleeping on the job!  I don't care how many times I kill
you in my spot, I still expect you to get your turns in! -- Rillion

Ultarist -- How can I forget you? -- Soultaker

Ultarist -- I will do all that I can to make sure that you remember me.  Bwwwwaaaaa!
-- Soultaker

LHI -- I passed on your request about you having a tube to my stable and after all
the laughing died down they said that tube that small was not of much use, unless you
were giving rides to Death Stud. -- Soultaker

Nuln -- Well some of us have to work at becoming such chatty cathys.  You know at my
age I have only so many runs left in me and have to save my geritol induced attacks
for when they do the most. -- Soultaker

Manager -- I would like to thank you for your fine showing so far.  When you have
such a poor one as mine you have to look for silver linings somewhere.  At least my
partner is more then able to carry the load.  I heard yours wheezing from three
blocks away.  Maybe you might want to buy him some milk to strengthen the bones a
bit. -- Soultaker

Lady E -- Your rubbings have always made me feel younger.  It is funny I rub and rub
and rub but alas I am unable to reach the same level of contentment.  Look forward to
visiting your fine establishment real soon. -- Soultaker
P.S.  You can do my head anytime.  /wink wink/

     Yer pushin' it, bub.  You'd better be glad I'm in a good mood from all this
     mountain air. -- Ed.

     Well, *I* am not getting any mountain air, so don't push. -- Temp Ed.

Ghoti -- Welcome back.  Was hoping to see you with the Rageman.  Too bad, he might
have been able to place with your help. -- Soultaker

Rillion -- You are real close to the truth but as you can see, the FONZ is not going
to have to worry about Manager.  In fact that pairing has helped to take the
Consortium out of the picture. -- Soultaker

Mannequin -- Yes thanks for the present.  I doubt that it will help that much though
since the glare from the noggen blurs the view. -- Soultaker

A-Sop -- I can tell you from the bottom of my heart....  It will be a cold day in
Hell before I let you and Lady E spend any time with my wife. -- Soultaker

All -- I was very entertained by all the stories this time.  Keep up the great
writing. -- Soultaker

Death Stud -- What can I say.  Looks like you need to start wearing that back brace.
-- Soultaker

A-Sop -- Why thank you for your kind invitation and I will be happy to join both of
you whenever time permits.  By the way don't listen to the ravings of that addle
brained degenerate of a husband of mine.  He loves to think he is in charge but as we
both know....  Wrong again. -- Lady Pandora

Lady E -- You have, my dear! -- Mannequin

Death Stud -- Oh, you guys are just jealous! -- Mannequin

Hi all -- Enjoyed the stories and all, but no time to write more than I have.  I will
have to catch up with everyone later! -- Lady E

TUM -- Some warrior name suggestions for your team (Things I'll Never Get):
     My Freedom Back
     Spare Time
     Backseat Lovin'
     Why I Can't See My Belt Buckle Anymore
     Anonymous Sex Partners
Hope that helps. -- Death Stud

Lord Xiang -- Thanks, I wish you well, too! -- Death Stud

LHI -- Ixnay on bragging about how much extra room you have in your codpiece.  Chicks
don't dig it. -- Death Stud, just a word to the wise

Snotman/Nuln -- Can you hook Soultaker up with that technology that converts
spotlight talent into managerial talent because he went 0-5 last turn?  You say you
DID hook him up already?  BEFORE last turn?  Oh, that's unfortunate. -- Death Stud

LHI -- You keep your darned tube all to yourself. -- Death Stud

Nuln -- Super Mario Kart. -- Death Stud

Lady E -- Suggestion taken under advisement.  I will discuss this with the TOGS
advisory committee before the next TOGS. -- Death Stud
P.S.  Kisses back atcha.

Snotman -- Pleasure.  I'm glad that it helped roust you from your restful slumber. --
Death Stud

Street Legal -- Live by it, die by it....  Sorry. -- Death Stud

Regarding your scores so far:
Manager/Creepster -- Ow. -- Death Stud
Ultraist/Jekyll -- Ow. -- Death Stud
Soultaker -- Ow. -- Death Stud

ETUM -- I like your style. -- Death Stud

TigToad -- We were going to base the TOGS around the Lirith Kai way of fighting, but
I couldn't figure out how to structure it so we could all hide in a little arena and
skill-rape Judith's warriors every turn so we had to settle for this.  Sorry to
disappoint. -- TOGS administration

A-Sop -- Yes, you are right (music to A-Sop's ears).  Dropping cookies is much better
than tossing them and the same goes for salads. -- Death Stud

     A dropped salad?  Ooookay, whatever floats your boat, I suppose. -- Ed.

Temp Ed. -- Please allow me to apologize for all of Aradi in advance for Ed.'s
absence and our universal slackerness. -- Death Stud

     Hah, who says I'm absent? -- Ed., resting the ol' feet after a six and a half
     mile hike (uphill, through the snow!)

     Don't believe a word she says, she's absent. -- Temp Ed.
     P.S.  Thanks.

Dr. Feelgood -- Oh yeah, that does feel good. -- Falcon

G Dubyah -- One of carriage stickers should now read:  "G Dubyah, pull out!  Like
your father should have." -- Viper

Hydro on the D -- That was Lo. -- Hurricane

Ghoti -- The nice thing about the spotlights here in Aradi, is that no one reading
them has any idea who or what they are referring to most of the time.  So that fact
that you don't know who's who actually makes your writing as realistic as the rest.
-- Lady A

Lord Xiang -- Please, I would never "hook up" Lady E, I simply sent along a message.
-- Lady A

Nuln -- Alcohol + pressure = quality spotlight?  You are one sick and twisted
individual.  Come to think of it, didn't that have something to do with all the
animals being removed from Aradi? -- Lady A
P.S.  What did you do with Goose?

     That also has a lot to do with spotlight quality, don'tcha know. -- Ed.

Lady E -- With a little of the requireds finished, I've at least managed to read one
book this month.  Gods, to think I'm down to a couple books a month! -- Lady A

     Try _Sunshine_ by Robin McKinley.  One of the better books I've read in a while,
     and I don't usually go for the vampire stuff. -- Ed.

Hombre -- I loved your top five.  I laughed again when I read them. -- Lady A

Ed. -- I wouldn't dream of making a liar out of you, how long I can keep this going
remains to be seen.  We'll hope that all h*** doesn't break loose. -- A-Sop

     Indeed, heck should remain firmly chained in the basement! -- Ed.

My apologies to Aradi for a misplaced DM's column last turn. -- Holly Mackerel, DM of
Valamantis...err...last turn (Teehee)

Tiny Tim -- My team is getting tired of your little hiney. -- Smirlin

I may never wear shoe inserts again. -- Ghoti

I may never hawk a loogy at the FONZites again either.  Lord knows what might happen
with it. -- Ghoti

Ed. -- Well, I was thinking a nosy wad might be exciting till I read the newsletter.
It is very unfortunate to see Snotto taking advantage of my generous donation.  I am
sure all of FONZ is grateful under the circumstances.  Think of all the polkas they
can dance without resting for three songs now. -- Ghoti

     A snottin' polka?  What a thought! -- Ed.

Soultaker! -- Wake up!  Your Bed pan is ready. -- Aradi Retirement Home

Snotman -- And I thought I was stretching things a little in the bodily fluids
department.  I laughed anyway. -- Ghoti

AARP sends a great big TOGS welcome to Metal Meltdown and Funny Folk!  Hope you enjoy
the readings.  Swing by Scrodbucks and swill a few.  This city has a fine medical
establishment for the aftereffects. *grin* -- Lord Xiang

Pauly -- Any time you'd like to help again, please let me know! *chuckle* -- Oxygen

LHI -- From your postings last turn, it seems you give your nut sack milkshakes? --
Lord Xiang

Nuln -- I don't generally partake in pleasurable endeavors while trying to beat the
scrod out of my opponents.  I will drink to excess after Seraphim and I win TOGS. --
Lord Xiang
P.S.  Wenching is a totally different situation.  TOGS takes a back seat to that!

ETUM -- If you turn around, you'd be MUTE!  Now, if I can only find that button on
the remote.... -- Lord Xiang

Indimar -- No, the third jack&coke was a good idea, it was just timed improperly. :D
-- Lord Xiang

Soultaker -- If you sign up now, you get a free map of all the Scrodbucks locations,
and a 10% discount card good at any Scrodbucks. -- AARP

Death Stud -- Absolutely!  I only procrastinate on the important stuff.  Like getting
in my turns, hehe. -- Lord Xiang

Cobra XXI -- Bah!  Try that again when I have MY strat, not my teammates. *grrrrr* --
Loose Dentures

Chim Richalds -- You are a better warrior that your record reveals.  Well fought! --
Oxygen Tank

Spam Sandwich -- How many times do I have to beat you before you realize that I don't
serve Spam to my clients! -- Meals on Wheels
P.S.  Not a great use of a TV challenge, eh? *grin*

Pinto Beans -- I hope you get gas! -- Cialis
P.S.  No more free samples for you!

Drizzle -- I'm not as frail as my looks profess. -- Walmart Greeter

Death Studlittling -- Can you imagine snotting while wearing your "Thunkers"?  (see
Turn 334 for Death Stud's Big Adventure?  I think.) -- Ghoti

Creepster -- I want my Lions Suck banner returned, you scoundrel!  It was locked in
my den; how did you gain control of it? -- Street Legal

Ultraist/Jekyll -- Impressive start! ;-P

Butterfly -- If Bloodlust Mute could talk, he'd be speechless!  Nice win, very
impressive! -- Ganolus

Lady E -- We will definitely try to stop by soon.  That new antioxidant fruit
daiquiri spa pedicure sounds lovely!  Do you sell gift certificates? -- Silent

Nuln -- Bringeth backeth the etheth. -- Ganolus

RR -- Looks like you need a ghost manager to get your warriors to the arena on time
rather than a ghost writer.  Just remember, maintenance is your friend, but only if
you use it.  Too bad, so sad! -- Your obnoxious friend, Ganolus Oakleaf

Rillion -- Well done, man!  Anyone who kills off Rascally Rabbit is alright in my
book!  Maybe the next time you kill off your TOGS partner you should make sure her
team is on maintenance though.  Just a thought. -- Ganolus

Nappy Dugout and Derald -- Alright, break it up.  Tough match-up, guys! -- Ganolus

Death Stud -- It's getting', it's getting', it's getting' kinda heavy!  At least
you're snottin', or had you forgotten? -- Ganolus

Pauly -- Well I can see from your personals you're still that snotty nose little brat
kid that I remember.  Must be getting tough for Indimar to move with you still
clinging to his shirt sleeves.  Heard you had a few teams, instead of hiding in an
arena where there's a tournament going on why don't you pop one in another and we'll
have some fun till this TOGS thing gets over.  Oh that's right, daddy won't be there
to protect you. -- Barnabas

Indimar -- When are you going to finally let go, the kid must be killing you by now.
Man, what a ssssssstttttuddddd, dealing with a Pauly pure bred and TOGS at the same
time has to be more than you can chew.  (Alright Ed., here's your opening, tear it
up!) -- Barnabas

     Sorry, I've got "better" things to tear up this cycle. -- Ed.

Stolunmann -- That's Nuln and Snotman all in one.  Wow, what a surprise, you guys are
kicking buttttt.  Congrats on the great start.  Watch out for those fake people
dolls, I think they are called mannequins (what a killer) they're not as dumb as they
look.  Good luck the rest of the way. -- Barnabas

Souldud -- Hey, you guys are out and running.  Trav, I knew you'd be carrying the
load, to this point congrats to you and your stamina.  Soulie, it can only get
better, how can it get any worse?  Still up near the top, and Trav has another right
there.  I'm beginning to see your strategy, (tricky devils you are) good luck boys,
long ways to go! -- Barnabas

Homlus -- (figure it out) Man, you boys are starting off with a bang, and that's with
DAing every turn too.  How do you get those points for a DA?  Man Hombre, must be
tough looking over at that team just sitting idle that would have been kicking butt
in this tourney (always looking for a challenge aren't ya?) and to you my friends,
good luck! -- Barnabas

Rillion -- Hey, where did you go, oh there you are. -- Barnabas

Samwise -- My early prediction is looking good to this point, keep up the good work,
don't pay any attention to Manager's prediction.  He must be getting ready to tear it
up down the stretch. >) -- Barnabas

Street -- What's shakin' bro?  Step up to the plate and get rollin' man, got to turn
up the amp!  See ya around. -- Barnabas

Fonzites -- If I missed any of you (delicate little basters) I will try and get you
in next turn. -- Barnabas

Ghoti -- One person's scrod is another person's chickpea, n'est ce pas?  Relax, it's
just TOGS.  <that's my bumpersticker> -- Nuln

     Mine is "This too shall pass." -- Ed.

Headrock -- newsbulletin (we read it in the AFP and the FbFP): your favorite recipe =
VOMIT CITY!!! -- the ACAoPP (Aradi Culinary Academy of Pots & Pans)
P.S.  We are working on an island wide ban on chick-peas and chick-pea related

Pauly -- My scroditution is off the charts, but I'm no heavy hitter like Tyson.  Very
odd indeed. -- the more Avenging than he thought Scrod

Sausage Bowl -- Hey, great name!  And welcome to you and your team to Aradi. -- Nuln

Farmer boB -- What happened to your rag?  It's so much emptier here now with only one
source of yellow journalism. -- your concerned readership

TigToad -- Darn.  No offense, but I was secretly hoping you came here to lose TOGS.
;)  Good luck! -- Nuln & Co.

Boston T -- Turn 403.  I am so there. -- the Avenging Scrod

Indimar -- You are my new god!  You have done your research well, my friend; chaos
chai is indeed my favoritest of all.  I'll stop on by on the way to the arena, and
thank you! -- Nuln

Derrin -- You have now been introduced to Snotman's SL desperation strategy of DOOM.
Buy me a scrodbucks and I'll tell you the first number!  Of course, you could just
get me drunk and I'd tell you the whole thing. ;) -- Shmamy C

Snotman -- After that turn I went down to the local Scroddies chain of supermarkets,
and filled up my nut sack with as many cocoanuts as I could find.  So yes, to answer
your question, my nut sack typically hangs low and drags behind me. -- Nuln

C. Creep Scriberino -- Nuln was actually hoping to hire you to translate his
personals into Creepsterese, because he agrees with you that his would be much more
interesting that way.  If your services ever become available, the chaos lord pays
most handsomely. -- 4000 Blows Scribe

Pandora of the Pretty Gammies -- You have to petition...your elders?!?!?!?  Oh that's
rich, that's just bloody rich.  I can see we're going to have to focus our efforts
elsewhere. -- a sadly disappointed CACftDoS

the A.F.P. -- Er, um, thaaaaanks, but no thanks.  I'll, uh, buy one down at Indie's
shop.  It's fine.  I don't mind paying at all.  Really.  Thanks again! -- Nuln

Pauly -- Actually, the reason you should never use the word "assume" is because Death
Stud will only see the smaller word inside it that is a body part, then combine it
with a few other misunderstandings and malapropisms from your writing, and before you
know it you're a goat-butt worshipping shnossage fetishest or something (and you know
it's true, DS).  One must always be *extra* careful of what one says in Aradi. --

     It doesn't show. -- Temp Ed.

Granolus Smokedbeef -- Oh now don't you go and worry, you nice ol' druid, I'm sure
that Nuln won't try to seek revenge on you or your warriors.  That's so against his
nature!  Oh no, wait.  I was thinking of someone else.  No, he's definitely going to
try to kick your "assume".  But I'm sure he'll wait for a turn or so...or a little
sooner...maybe. -- Derald

Ganolus -- Well, farmer boB has his own issues.  If you took truthfully everything
that has ever been written about me during TOGS, then that would be the least of my
worries.  That's why I get my newsletter edited for me long before I read it! -- Nuln

Mission -- Sleep.  Death.  Me.  Roger that, got it! :) -- Nuln

Frank -- Frankiieee baybeeeeeee!  Eyyyyyyyyy! -- Leg Warmer Lust

Storm Fire -- If you'd like me to write a letter of recommendation on your behalf to
the Creepster, just let me know. -- the Avenging Scrod

Manager -- I'm surprised you haven't sung aloud an epic poem with metered stanzas in
praise of our total parry duelmaster.  You're slipping. -- Nuln

Inigo -- I would be glad to accept your challenge to a doo-well!  But first let me
conspicuously adjust my six-fingered glove! -- Chim Richalds, MD, PhD, PsyD, CrayZD

Lady E -- I love the way that mind of yours works.  I'm selling my llama farm, so we
can use all the same equipment for the snotling hounds.  You know, I bet my mother
never dreamt I would sling snot in Aradi for a living. -- Nuln

boB -- Nuln wanted me to tell you he was a little confused on one point:  on the one
hand you deny he exists, but on the other you plot his demise.  If you do the former,
then doesn't the latter contradict it?  Nuln is very confused, but since he cannot
speak to you directly, he is very concerned that the matter will remain unresolved.
He is, however, optimistic that a solution can be reached.  I look forward to working
together closely with you in this matter.  Sincerely... -- Derald

     He has obviously reached an understanding of the non-duality of...everything. --

     It has to do with being a chaos lord. -- Temp Ed.

Death Stud -- Could you please wait 'til the end of TOGS to find my thing that starts
with an 'e', ends with an 'h' and has a 't' in the middle?  I'm able to concentrate
much better since I've lost it. -- Nuln

Oxygen Tank -- My, I'm surprised you survived all those *savage* blows I laced your
kidneys with.  If you hadn't been hiding behind all that HEAVY armor I'm *sure* I
would have beaten you.  Yeah, so you, uh, better watch it there, old-timer.  Don't
think I'm not afraid to grab your 4-pronged cane and beat you with it! -- Chim
Richalds, MD (I was voted the most compassionate doctor in an Aradi blue-pages survey
last year)

Team Three -- Hey, yer threenessish!  Did you know that if you took two number threes
and >>KA-CHANG<< put them together, you got a number eight!?  Eh?  Think on *that*
for a while. -- Team, uh (checking newsletter...) Nine
P.S.  Is that good for the three, or the eight?

Mannequin -- I just wanted to say what a brilliant gift idea that was.  I'm surprised
those haven't been given out at past FONZ parties. -- Nuln

Thaddeus Unger Maximillian...whooo, that is just too, too much....

The 2nd round awards by The Award Winning Aradi Free Press are as follows:
     Blue Bonnett (1st)     -- LHI Neediest Of The Needy
     Red Bandanna (2nd)     -- Clone Wars The Party
     White Headband (3rd)   -- Council Meeting Jekyll
     Pink Pantaloons (last) -- AARP The Road They Took
     Pink Pantaloons (last) -- The Ninjas were assembled Mission
Wear your prestigious awards with pride.

Death Stud -- You asked in the spots "let me know if I've made a mistake", and
Manager wants you to know that you have done so in having credited Team 6 appx 50-75
points light.  Please fix it or else. -- Manager & The Creepster

Hombre -- Did you REALLY TC? -- The Creepster (having been blanked)

Indimar -- If you are truly Pauly's father, we will say a rosary for you both. --
Cardinal Creepster (Interpretation by The Crazy Creeps Scribe)

Note To All:  If Manager and Soultaker had been teamed together in TOGS round two,
their record would have even been worse than the last place Ultraist and Jekyll
results!  Ouch. -- The Award Winning Aradi Free Press Editor

boB -- What's a mime opera? -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe

     Much easier to sleep through. -- Ed.

Ultraist -- I do apologize profusely for the mere 10,000-1 rating/odds posted for
your team.  The Free Press Rating Commission had it listed at 1,000,000 to 1, but The
Board Of Directors felt the need to both provide a cushion and to minimize
embarrassment to Jekyll.  Obviously, the Rating Commission has shown to be correct,
and The Press should have only reported the true facts.  It will not happen again, I
can assure you. -- Editor, The Award Winning Aradi Free Press

Ghoti -- I am NOT lucky!  I just liked the smooth feel of Headrock's skin.  You know
what I mean? -- Tiny Tim (winking)

Graffex -- You are not my best bud.  Wait until I get my hands around your neck. --
Boston Strangler (a.k.a. Jack The Ripper)

Malt-O-Meal -- I was not Happy with that Dopey TC of yours.  I get Grumpy at the
thought of your challenge, and plan to talk with Doc about my options. -- Bashful
Snow White
P.S.  The Creepster asked me have you tell Samwise--uppity duppity yourseronious.

Lady A-Sop -- I accept yours and Lady E's invitation for a spa day special together.
Oh, the havoc we could wreak! -- Lady Pandora

Smirlin -- Gee, good buddy, that was a lot of fun tip-toeing through the tulips.  I
just love it when I get to be on top.  And no one has ever taught me four skills
before, you handsome brute, you.  Thanks, I can use all four defenses against certain
unwanted advances.  I am so happy! -- Tiny Tim

Java -- You didn't leave me a tip for the coffee?  Instead you play with me, stir me
up, and beat me?  I am telling Walt D. and you van expect some retaliation, you bad
thing, you. -- Goofy

Good luck to Ultraist and Jekyll in round three.  We know you can both do better.
(Can't you?) -- All The Crazy Creeps

Ed. -- I hear you're fulfilling dreams.  I've had dreams about my house being cleaned
many times.  Care to make my dreams come true? -- Seraphim

     I can give you the number for your local Merry Maids. -- Ed.

Lady E -- I vote AYE for the spotlight bonus points. -- Seraphim

Preia -- A man in my situation has a lot of free time on his hands...when I'm not
hiding, that is. -- B Laden

Jekyll -- While true the basement only offers a view upwards, I should warn you that
Mannequin has disabled the elevator.  You might want to try the stairs if you're
trying for vertical movement. -- Seraphim

Soultaker -- Not sure what Deathstud is using to hold you up with but I hope it has a
high tensile strength.  You told me you were in the Navy..  It must have been aboard
a submarine; sinking seem too natural for you to have been anywhere else. -- Seraphim

Deathstud -- You gave Jekyll great advice on winning and all that; perhaps you should
go over it a few more times with your partner. -- Seraphim

A-Sop -- I'm so proud of you for DA'ing Flower! -- Manager

TUM + LHI -- I'm so proud of you guys for getting your first two turns in!  (And
having no deductions so far!)  -- Manager

Lady Elysian -- Oh yeah, I have little doubt you guys could kick butt if you could.
But I'm hoping that you won't be motivated to.  That said, I am totally humiliated
that you guys are ahead of us so far.  It's all Creepster's fault! -- Manager

Snotman -- Man, I used to give you guys good odds in the past but you have
continually disappointed me. -- Manager
P.S.  With Stud/Soulie's shocking win in the last TOGS, I think the two of you are
the only ones who have played in every single TOGS and come away as losers in every
single one as well.  Well, maybe Rillion is also a 4x TOGS loser...but I'm not sure
about that.

Spot -- You will be missed. -- Manager

Why are you all telling LHI and everyone about your managerial personas?  Do you guys
actually *want* to be in other people's spotlights? -- Manager

Seraphim -- Well, I have faith in you guys!  (Well, maybe I'd bet a quarter on your
team.) -- Manager

Rillion -- The fact that the FONZ crowd will do everything possible to try and stop
me from winning another TOGS is exactly why our team is one of the favorites! --

Death Stud -- For someone who made a big deal about the Spirit of the TOGS, you sure
have been mailing in those minimum length spotlights. -- Manager

DMobster -- It's time for the World Cup!  Sure you have time for TOGS strategies? --

Ed. -- I did get my prize for the Editor's Award in the last TOGS.  Thanks! --
P.S.  Since I am your favorite for getting everything in early all the time, it would
be great if you would "lose" everyone else's spotlights except for mine and
Creepster's next turn.  Thanks!

     I'm glad you got it!  As for "losing" spotlights, I'm beginning to think it's a
     good idea.  It'd be less work and more time for my holiday! -- Ed., halfway
     across Wyoming as of this ad, but probably on my way home by the time you read

Jekyll -- I should have you flogged for such a performance! -- Ultraist

Soultaker -- Cute 'puppy pack' spot!  You are of course aware I don't run with the
mutts any more, right? -- Ultraist

Nuln -- Yeah, not the best time to be in Aradi.  I've thought about hibernating until
TOGS is done, but it's way too fun here.  Besides, I wasn't gonna fight last time but
I woke up in the middle of the night sitting at my kitchen table filling out strat
sheets.  As for Valamantis, it has been growing since I started fighting three turns
ago.  Thirteen teams, ten active.  I'm sure I'll see you at the Blind Cyclops,
because ever since people have found out that Indimar is my dad, I've been getting a
lot of free drinks. -- Pauly

Indimar -- You know I don't drink coffee, so thanks for nothing.  Oh, that whole
Chairman of the Aradi Health Dept. thing was a bunch of bull scrod.  I was just
looking for attention after all the years of neglect. -- Pauly
P.S.  I know what the official Aradi evil laugh is.  What I did wasn't an evil laugh.
It was a "I can't wait to ruin you financially" laugh.  Hmm, now that I see it in
writing, it seems pretty evil.  Touche.
P.P.S.  I hope I spelled that right.

Town Bicycle -- It was good while it lasted, but three slashers is at least one too
many.  Farewell. -- Pauly

All -- If Barnabas has been keeping an eye on Aradi, he probably just ripped me a new
one.  I wonder what he'll say. -- Pauly

Lord Xiang -- AARP...cool.  I'll make sure to bring my walking stick to the next
fight! -- LHI

Snotman -- Why did you bail on the MI party?  What's up with that? -- LHI

Manager -- Two turns and counting.  This TOGS thing is PIE! -- LHI

Lady E -- Thanks for the welcome. -- The very chatty LHI

C.C. Scribe -- I will do my best to entertain! -- LHI

Indimar -- Thanks for the info!  I'll see if I can twist it sufficiently for a
spotlight! -- LHI

Rillion -- Can you believe I am doing this? -- LHI

TUM -- Maybe we should plan more for this stuff? -- LHI

Tig Toad -- Totally here and totally writing. -- LHI

Death Stud -- Very proud indeed.  Who said that I can't write.... -- LHI

A Happy Mother's Day to all the Aradi Mothers!! -- Nuln 'n Co.

Ultraist -- Please, respect the nut sack. -- Nuln

     Take a deep breath.  Now let it out.  Now read that aloud and see if you can
     keep a straight face. -- Ed.

Spot & Co. -- Farewell! -- Nuln

Samwise the Bald -- With all due respect, might I suggest offering one of your own
nut sacks for Soultaker's mastication?  I generally don't lend mine out, and
especially not for those kind of uses.  Much appreciated.... -- Nuln

The Sentinel -- Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.  I can't help it if my team
decided to ignore my instructions at the Grand Tournament. ;) -- Samwise the Bald

Lord Xiang -- There's nothing personal in those challenges.  Your warriors just
happened to be positioned well. -- Samwise the Bald

Aradi Free Press -- We've exceeded our allotment of TV's?  Is that why the commission
matched one of mine with one of Mannequin's?  I smell a conspiracy here!  Or course,
I'm downwind of Soultaker, so it could be something else! -- Samwise the Bald

Falcon XLI -- I wanted to go all "8 Mile" on you but Street Legal wouldn't let me!
He said let that Andorian wallow in his killing don't do him in.  I think the old man
has gone soft.  Prepare to pay a mighty debt! -- Dr. Feelgood

Jack The Ripper -- Tell the Creepster; "That's for taking Street Legal's Lions suck
banner!" -- Graffiz

Demolition Man -- My but you can take a blow, or 21, with that said did you honestly
need that train? -- Mary Jane

Eustachian -- Can you hear me now? -- Zig-Zag Man

One Timer -- Either I'm really confused or you had someone else ghost write your DM
column. -- Snotman

Pauly -- I've never been called a doo doo head before. -- Snotman, councilor member
of the FONZ

Ultraist -- What did I ever do to you that you want to treat me in this way? --
Nuln's Nutsack

LHI -- Hey, nice to see you.  Nuln and I have a side bet about who will stop writing
first, you or DMobster. -- Snotman
P.S.  I'm old school so welcome to the hizzouse.

LHI -- I've always been curious about what the heck a milkshake is.  I figured she
was shaking her chest.  I haven't seen you in two years, but I hope you don't have
enough man-boob to make a milkshake. -- Snotman

Nuln -- I was hoping to fly under the radar a little bit longer, but with our
dominant TOGS start, the spotlight convert is going to be pretty obvious. -- Snotman

Nuln -- TOGS Fairy...was that what it was.  I was digging around in my nutsack and I
pulled out this shriveled up old thing.  I sky-hooked it into the nearest waste bin.
Of course my sky-hook needs some work so I missed and a mangy mutt (of the non-
talking variety) grabbed it up and ran off with it. -- Snotman

Nuln -- Is a chaos goatee different from and evil goatee? -- Snotman

Nuln -- It took me a week to recover from that late night writing session.  Now I try
to write my personals and spots while Snotman Jr is sleeping. -- Snotman

eTum -- The ultimate test of your evilness will to keep on writing even after LHI
drops out. -- Snotman

Derald -- Ouch, that was a spanking. -- Nappy D

Nuln -- Really?  A snarf?  I will have to have words with Death Stud. -- Snotman

Lady E -- Now why would you waste a perfectly good daiquiri by putting it on
someone's foot?  Drinking a daiquiri while getting a foot rub sounds much more
enjoyable! -- Snotman

|_4dy 3 -- Thank you.  I am  afraid that if I put m0re than a few numbers in my
writing, 3d will kill me -- 5n07m4n

     You're probably right about that.  Boiling mud sounds like a good idea, since
     that's what I've been contemplating today. -- Ed., who's sworn off eggs for a
     while too

Creepster -- Hmm, maybe the scribe wasn't such a bad idea.  Let me see if I can
translate, "I like peanut butter cups.  I have a tiny nut sack.  I went poop in my
pants." -- Snotman

Tyvek -- I really like the work you are doing insulating and weatherproofing houses!
-- Snotman

Aradi Free Press -- I heard that Nuln's Nutsack was having a tryst with Madonna.
That's gotta be newsworthy. -- Snotman

All -- Last minute personal for a last minute spotlight.  All apologies to any sports
history and/or movie purists for my lame spot. -- Jekyll

All -- Don't count us out yet.  We're just giving you slack jawed Andorians a pretty
heavy head start before we decide to play.  Trying to make it competitive and all ya
know? -- Jekyll

Lady E -- I have been so busy with my own business concerns that I have neglected to
stop by and wish you well with your new venture. If you are still accepting new
clients I would love to stop by for a mani-peti. My unidentified toe fungus is
currently dormant, so the sooner the better. -- Indimar Fallon

Pauly -- Why would you want to go and rile up Barnabas like that?  I'm sure that you
will be hearing from him. -- Indimar

In Pari Delicto -- You could have at least taught me something. -- Tay Starle

Shmamy Crockett -- Thought you were going down...then I woke up in the sand.  And the
blood...lotsa blood. -- Derrin

Seraphim -- I believe we crossed paths briefly in Valamantis when last I was active
there. Good to see you here in Aradi.-- Indimar

Mission -- I really like your new mission.   I would prefer you not kill your
partner. -- Farmer boB

Nuln -- Stay away from the herd. -- boB

All -- don't know what happened last time, spotlight and ads made it, but warriors
got lost on the way to the arena. They're on maintenance now so shouldn't have to
worry about that now -- Rascally Rabbit

ALL -- Does anyone know a good Ghost Writer that's willing to work cheap -- RR

     A GOOD ghost writer is never cheap. -- Temp Ed.

Nuln -- I've got two eyes watching out for you in the front of my head and one eye in
back... and I know what you're thinking... that's a lot of eyes... -- Hombre

Lady E -- You have, my dear! -- Mannequin

Death Stud -- Oh, you guys are just jealous! -- Mannequin

Hi all -- Enjoyed the stories and all, but no time to write more than I have.  I will
have to catch up with everyone later! -- Lady E

     I think I only deleted things that were here more than once, but if I deleted
     things that were ONLY here once, sorry.  It's Togs.  Stuff happens. -- Temp Ed.

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

FIRE was dealt death by BORED ELF in a 3 minute Dark Arena fight.
CLINTON was butchered by BORED ELF in a 1 minute Dark Arena duel.
MULLIGAN was murdered by GARGOYLE PRINCE in a 1 minute Dark Arena melee.
AXESHI murdered ARNIE SHEW in a 2 minute gruesome Dark Arena fight.
SAL MONELLA was butchered by BORED ELF in a 1 minute Dark Arena contest.
TOWN BICYCLE was assassinated by STONE GOLEM in a 3 minute Dark Arena fight.
SCROD BUSTER was killed by JORGE BLACK ORC in a 1 minute Dark Arena competition.
RSI HATES ME was butchered by SEA MONSTER in a 1 minute Dark Arena duel.
INIGO was overpowered by CHIM RICHALDS in a 1 minute one-sided Bloodfeud struggle.
BIN LADEN was savagely defeated by SUGAR BOTTOMS in a 2 minute Bloodfeud melee.
HOLSTIEN HEAVEN slimly won victory over SMALL INTESTINE in a 8 minute Bloodfeud duel.
ETTIN was overpowered by HYQ in a 1 minute uneven Bloodfeud duel.
PANTHER was overpowered by HOLLY SKULL in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
MALT-O-MEAL overcame DERRIN in a exciting 3 minute veteran's Challenge bout.
PINTO BEANS luckily beat MANDA in a crowd pleasing 3 minute Challenge competition.
CLAPTON devastated ZIG-ZAG MAN in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge battle.
SPAM SANDWICH was bested by SUNSHINE in a crowd pleasing 4 minute Challenge bout.
RUKGAZ handily defeated BRAE'TAC in a 1 minute uneven Challenge fight.
FALCON XLI assassinated MISS UNDERSTOOD in a 1 minute uneven Challenge struggle.
BLUE BEANIE handily defeated ONE-TIMER in a 4 minute mismatched Challenge Title bout.
HYDRO ON THE D-LO bested TYVEK in a exciting 4 minute Challenge fight.
JAMIS savagely defeated MYSTERY in a 2 minute brutal veteran's Challenge bout.
SYDA HAMMIE was overpowered by HURRICANE XXXVII in a 1 minute Challenge conflict.
BUTTERFLY narrowly defeated DR. FEELGOOD in a 31 minute expert's Challenge fight.
ANALISE luckily beat PIZNAUL JIZNOKE in a action packed 1 minute Challenge fray.
LEG WARMER LUST handily defeated SNOW WHITE in a 3 minute one-sided Challenge contest.
JACK THE RIPPER defeated THALIA in a 2 minute Challenge fight.
FALOPIAN lost to CRUSADER in a popular 3 minute gruesome Challenge match.
BLOODLUST MUTE overpowered VENREK in a 4 minute gruesome one-sided Challenge bout.
EUSTACHIAN luckily beat CIALIS in a action packed 3 minute gory Challenge duel.
WALMART GREETER was unbelievably bested by VAS DEFERENS in a 4 minute Challenge bout.
HARSIESUS overpowered NINJA in a 2 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
GRAFFIX was vanquished by LIMA BEANS in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fray.
COBRA XXI overpowered GOOFY in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge match.
HOWLER was defeated by DERS in a 2 minute Challenge bout.
SUTTY overpowered NIGHT HAG in a 1 minute uneven Challenge bout.
KRAKEN demolished WILSON FERGUSON in a 1 minute uneven Challenge contest.
F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE was overpowered by STORM FIRE in a 3 minute Challenge struggle.
SIGMOID COLON overpowered FRANK in a 3 minute brutal one-sided Challenge fray.
TIGER TY savagely defeated HEAVEN in a 4 minute brutal Challenge conflict.
SPINACH slimly lost to FLAMENCO A GO-GO in a 5 minute Challenge bout.
WHISTLE PIG was savagely defeated by GREEN DISEASE in a 1 minute Challenge duel.
SAUSAGE BOWL demolished DE NOVO in a 1 minute uneven Challenge competition.
HOFFA was savagely defeated by ANTHRAX in a 3 minute novice's Challenge fight.
AQUA NETTA devastated TEMPLAR in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge match.
MARY JANE was vanquished by JAVA in a 3 minute one-sided Challenge conflict.
B.C. GOLD devastated LIQUID DOOM in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge match.
PRIVATE PARTS overcame YELLOW JACKET in a 4 minute brutal Challenge conflict.
NULN'S NUTSACK was beaten by STARLING in a exciting 4 minute Challenge fight.
RACOON HAMMER luckily beat CEPL in a 4 minute novice vs. veteran upset Challenge duel.
TYVIN LXIX handily defeated PORN STARR in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
TINY TIM was savagely defeated by SEHENSTES in a exciting 4 minute veteran's conflict.
SMIRLIN defeated MOUSE in a 1 minute master's bout.
DERALD devastated IN PARI DELICTO in a 1 minute one-sided conflict.
WARAGEN was viciously subdued by VOLMAX in a crowd pleasing 3 minute veteran's battle.
SHMAMY CROCKETT slimly lost to NAPPY DUGOUT in a 2 minute veteran's match.
TAY STARLE devastated MEALS ON WHEELS in a 1 minute one-sided bout.
STORM viciously subdued SONETT in a 2 minute gory struggle.
HURTICANE overpowered PHREAK in a crowd pleasing 1 minute brutal mismatched brawl.
OXYGEN TANK overpowered KARMA CHAMELEON in a exciting 1 minute bloody uneven fight.
HOSCHA was subdued by SILENT SPOCKER in a 1 minute conflict.
COYOTE was beaten by TRINITY in a popular 1 minute gory struggle.
BOSTON TERRIER was devastated by VIPER LXXI in a 1 minute uneven match.
THE AVENGING SCROD viciously subdued DRIZZLE in a slow 6 minute gory bout.
FUN IN THE BARN savagely defeated CONDI in a action packed 1 minute brutal melee.
OSO savagely defeated 9000 in a 1 minute gruesome battle.
DEATH SPONGE was overpowered by LOOSE DENTURES in a 1 minute mismatched fight.
WHITE WITCH luckily beat POWDERED UNDERCHIN in a crowd pleasing 11 minute brutal duel.
ACE OF SPADES was overpowered by DOA in a 1 minute gory one-sided match.
MADONNA overpowered ASGARD in a 1 minute mismatched fight.
ZEROSE vanquished NINE HUNDRED in a 1 minute one-sided struggle.
KREE overcame ONE HOT BABE in a 1 minute novice's match.
TECHNISQUID was outwaited by THE LBA in a slow 13 minute novice's brawl.
SQUIGGNERD overpowered ERRA EVAD in a 1 minute uneven duel.
NATALIA demolished MACS in a 1 minute uneven conflict.
BANANAS was subdued by ULN-IR in a 1 minute novice's duel.
ASHI luckily beat OLD WARTY in a action packed 5 minute bloody novice's conflict.
PREIA was slaughtered by DISPOSABLE in a 1 minute one-sided match.
PINK bested YUBER in a 6 minute amateur's match.
PESMERGA overpowered POLITE BEGGAR in a 1 minute one-sided match.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|TOTAL PARRY                     32         TOTAL PARRY      111 -  79 -  2      58  |
|LUNGING ATTACK                  32         LUNGING ATTACK   116 - 111 - 12      51  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                 27         AIMED BLOW        56 -  66 -  3      46  |
|AIMED BLOW                      20         SLASHING ATTACK   51 -  62 -  2      45  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                 13         WALL OF STEEL     42 -  52 -  5      45  |
|WALL OF STEEL                   12         PARRY-LUNGE       10 -  14 -  0      42  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   7         STRIKING ATTACK   71 - 101 -  5      41  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      3         BASHING ATTACK    26 -  43 -  2      38  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     3         PARRY-STRIKE      10 -  18 -  0      36  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    2         PARRY-RIPOSTE      9 -  30 -  0      23  |

Turn 390 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

STRIKING ATTACK   15 - 12     SLASHING ATTACK    6 -  7         3  TOTAL PARRY    
AIMED BLOW        11 -  9     LUNGING ATTACK    14 - 18         3  LUNGING ATTACK 
TOTAL PARRY       17 - 15     BASHING ATTACK     3 -  4         1  STRIKING ATTACK
                              WALL OF STEEL      5 -  7         1  WALL OF STEEL  
                              PARRY-LUNGE        1 -  2         1  AIMED BLOW     
                              PARRY-STRIKE       1 -  2         1  BASHING ATTACK 
                              PARRY-RIPOSTE      0 -  2         1  SLASHING ATTACK

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
TOTAL PARRY      BLUE BEANIE 6461           19  15  1  125 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
LUNGING ATTACK   FALCON XLI 7341            12  10  3  170 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
STRIKING ATTACK  SEHENSTES 7339             13  10  2  105 VOUGEOOT (464)
AIMED BLOW       DERALD 7285                10   7  0  101 4000 BLOWS (107)
BASHING ATTACK   VOLMAX 7592                 4   1  0   98 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
SLASHING ATTACK  SMIRLIN 6568               16  14  0   95 OGRES ARE US (270)
WALL OF STEEL    STORM 4741                 10   7  0   69 ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
PARRY-LUNGE      CRUSADER 7625               3   2  0   39 DARK TOADS (590)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is NAPPY DUGOUT 6080.  The most popular warrior this 
turn was SEHENSTES 7339.  The ten other most popular fighters were POWDERED UNDERCHIN 
7785, TYVEK 7478, VOLMAX 7592, WALMART GREETER 7576, OLD WARTY 7811, DERRIN 6952, 
MANDA 7546, SPAM SANDWICH 7524, CIALIS 7659, and CEPL 6666.

The least popular fighter this week was DR. FEELGOOD 7130.  The other ten least 
popular fighters were BUTTERFLY 7338, TECHNISQUID 7708, THE LBA 7810, DRIZZLE 5774, 
and PREIA 7664.