Date   : 06/16/2006    Duedate: 06/29/2006


DM-60    TURN-392

This Weeks Top Honors


(60-7169) [30-6-0,113]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

FALCON XLI                     VOLMAX
(60-7341) [14-10-3,174]        (60-7592) [5-2-0,104]

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

NAPPY DUGOUT                   DERRIN
WILD CARDS (148)               WING HOVE (529)
(60-6080) [24-26-1,113]        (60-6952) [9-11-0,49]



Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. DILEN'S HORDE (587)         59
2. SILENT WARRIORS (561)       54      CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
3. DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)  47      Unchartered Team
4. GOIN' TUBIN' (577)          46
5. DILLIGAF LEGION (589)       34      BIKINI BOTTOM (596)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 1*BIKINI BOTTOM (596)       19   6  4 76.0   1/ 2 DEATH STUDS VII (301)    12  3 2
 2/ 3 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)    30  18  1 62.5   2/ 1*BIKINI BOTTOM (596)      10  5 1
 3/ 4 SAAB STORY (389)         125  95 10 56.8   3/ 3 CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)      10  5 0
 4/ 2*INQUISITION SG-1 (540)    13  10  1 56.5   4/ 6 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)   10  5 0
 5/ 6 DEATH STUDS VII (301)    443 362 15 55.0   5/12*MEDICAL BIOHAZARD  (585)  9  6 2
 6/ 8 CRAZY CREEPS (207)       508 429 15 54.2   6/ 4 ATLAS PARK (592)          9  6 0
 7/ 7 ATLAS PARK (592)          25  22  1 53.2   7/ 9 SILENT WARRIORS (561)     9  6 0
 8/ 9 WILD CARDS (148)         742 669 31 52.6   8/24 GOIN' TUBIN' (577)        9  6 0
 9/ 5 ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)  33  30  1 52.4   9/10*SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586)  9  6 0
10/12 SILENT WARRIORS (561)     50  47  3 51.5  10/17 VOUGEOOT (464)            8  7 1
11/10 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 188 177 13 51.5  11/ 7 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430)  8  7 1
12/11 GOIN' TUBIN' (577)       126 119  6 51.4  12/ 8 WILD CARDS (148)          8  7 1
13/18*AARP (583)                22  23  1 48.9  13/13 CRAZY CREEPS (207)        8  7 0
14/13 CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)       87  93  3 48.3  14/ 5 4000 BLOWS (107)          8  7 0
15/16 OGRES ARE US (270)       159 173  2 47.9  15/19*DILEN'S HORDE (587)       7  8 1
16/17 4000 BLOWS (107)         628 685 30 47.8  16/21*THINGS ILL NEVER G (601)  7  8 0
17/14 WING HOVE (529)           57  63  3 47.5  17/14 OGRES ARE US (270)        7  8 0
18/24*THE BIZZLE (593)          20  23  2 46.5  18/11*THE BUNKHOUSE (595)       7  8 0

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
19-20 METAL MELTDOWN (344)     290 336 21 46.3  19/22*AARP (583)                6  9 1
20/19 ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)   35  41  1 46.1  20/23 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591)  6  9 1
21/21 THE MISGUIDED (559)       76  92  0 45.2  21/15 WING HOVE (529)           6  9 0
22/22 LEGALESE (449)           149 182  5 45.0  22/29 ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)   6  9 0
23/23 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      45  55  2 45.0  23/25*THE BIZZLE (593)          6  9 0
24/15*THE BUNKHOUSE (595)       18  22  0 45.0  24/18*INQUISITION SG-1 (540)    5  5 0
25/29*DILEN'S HORDE (587)       20  25  2 44.4  25/31 SAAB STORY (389)          5 10 1
26/25 VOUGEOOT (464)            79 104  8 43.2  26/20 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      5 10 1
27/31 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591)  20  28  3 41.7  27/16 ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)  5 10 0
28/28 FUNKY FOLK (565)          30  43  3 41.1  28/27 DILLIGAF LEGION (589)     4  8 0
29/33*THINGS ILL NEVER G (601)  10  15  0 40.0  29/30 THE MISGUIDED (559)       3 12 0
30/27*SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586)  13  21  0 38.2  30/35 FUNKY FOLK (565)          2  3 0
31/32 DILLIGAF LEGION (589)     16  26  0 38.1  31/26 LEGALESE (449)            2  4 0
32/34*MEDICAL BIOHAZARD  (585)  12  22  2 35.3  32-28*DARK TOADS (590)          2  6 0
33-35*DARK TOADS (590)           7  17  0 29.2  33-32*WRECKING CREW (598)       1  4 0
34-36*WRECKING CREW (598)        3   9  0 25.0  34-36 METAL MELTDOWN (344)      0  1 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                    TEAM SPOTLIGHT

    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Superior Forces, Turn 5 Spotlight ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Manager smiled.  The banquet hall was alive with the sights and sounds of TOGS.
It was the 6-year reunion party of the Tournament of the Golden Scrod and the
Superior Forces guild had spared no expense at making it a festive occasion for all.
Every single manager who had ever played in a TOGS had been tracked down and
teleported in for this big event.  (In some cases against their will)  Still--things
were going really smoothly and there had been a surprising lack of fights and
arguments--for one night, it was very un-Aradi like.
     Artist renditions of some of the greatest TOGS moments were lined on the wall.
Different parts of the banquet hall were decorated in different motifs.  The most
popular section of the hall was the Farm section--various managers took turns
chatting up many of TOGS' famous animals, including Bessy and Bossy the cows, Duck
the Duck and Goose the goose.
     There was also a wonderful spread at the banquet table.  Scrod Caviar, Chick
Peas, Nuts, and Scrodling Sashimi, and Steak (via Irma the cow) were being served,
among other wonderful side dishes.  Even Squidboy, who didn't like seafood, was
caught eating some scrod-flavored nuts.  In one corner of the room, DMobster was
having a heated conversation with LHI.
     "Why can't we hang out?" asked DMobster.
     "Dude.  We can so hang out." responded LHI, "Just not in public."
     "But why?" asked DMobster.  "We've hung out in public together for years now."
     "Yes.  But that was before...."
     "Before what?" DMobster was puzzled.
     "Before I won a Primus TC!" LHI giggled.  "I'm part of the cool crowd now!  Get
to hang out with the other Primus TC Managers at public events!  Well--I'll talk to
you later.  I need to rub shoulders with everyone else who is relevant.  Tata!"
     LHI ran off to talk shop with Guardian, Death Stud and TUM.
     "Can you believe that some newbie manager dared to talk to me?!?!?" whined
     "No way!" said TUM.
     "Yeah!  He tried to introduce himself to me and then asked me who I was.  Can
you believe it?  Didn't he know who I was?"
     "I can't believe that anyone would not know us Primus TC managers!  We're all so
important!"  LHI tried his best to feign being outraged when he was really excited.
     (Author's Note:  In case you're wondering why Manager wasn't hanging out with
the "cool" group--and you better be--it's because he was hanging out with the much
cooler 5+ Primus TC Crowd.)
     Meanwhile, in the part of the hall that was set to look like the Temple of
Slaanesh, Soultaker was conducting interviews for the FONZ.
     "Please state your manager name."
     "Trader, sir"
     "And how many Tournament Championships have you won in the last year?"
     "Actually, I'm retired."
     "Retired?" Soultaker gave a look of disgust, "Then why are you here?  Well, we
can't have you in the FONZ then.  Half of our members may as well be retired.  We
need someone who can bring up our sagging tournament percentages.  It's been awhile
since Death Stud has TC'd and I'm starting to get worried that there won't be anyone
around to carry me on their back anymore!"
     "Wait--you're Soultaker?"  Trader looked puzzled, "I thought you were Hoffa.
Crow said to look for the bald one."
     Soultaker was furious, "Do I look bald to you?!?!?" he screamed as he whipped
his pony tail out from under his tux.  "See?  I have hair!"
     "Not anymore.  Thanks!" A-Sop suddenly appeared with scissors and cut off
Soultaker's ponytail.
     "Oh no!  Not again!"  Soultaker realized that he'd been tricked for the
1,245,348th time in his life.
     Near the bar area, the Brotherhood of the Blade, along with Inferno and Father,
were getting drunk and trying to figure out the reason that the Greek Guy wasn't
participating in TOGS.  Hombre and Ganolus were leading an impromptu jazzercise
class.  Jack Wolfspider and Cyber Punk were playing games near the gaming area.  Old
partners like Rude Buddha and Mannequin and Wimpy and Destitute Noble were catching
up on old times.  (As were Nuln and his mom.)
     While everyone was socializing, the Crazy Creeps scribe took to the stage.
"It's time for the TOGS Reunion Awards!" announced the scribe.  The room erupted in
     "The first award goes to the best dressed TOGS managers.  In an upset, the
winners are--Longshadow, Captain K. and Kokopelli from TOGS II!"  Everyone applauded
except for Hombre and Ganolus who stood in stunned silence.
     "How could that not be us?" growled Hombre, "Everyone knows we started the leg
warmer fad in TOGS III.  What an outrage!"
     "Next up is TOGS King and Queen.  The TOGS King is...Guardian!  TOGS Queen goes
to Silk!"
     "Yes!"  Guardian pumped his fist as he ran up to accept his award.  "I'm King
Guardian and don't you forget it, peons!"
     "How did he win?" whispered Undertaker to Johnny Dangerously.
     "Threatened to have his Primus warriors beat up anyone who didn't vote for him."
responded JD.
     "Best Spotlight Series goes to--Nuln in TOGS I!" announced the Crazy Creeps
Scribe, "Most bloodthirsty--goes to Inferno!"
     Inferno (along with Father) was already passed out at the bar and unable to
receive his award.
     "Now for the most important awards.", the Creepster got several extra big
plaques ready.  "Most Wins in a Single TOGS.  That award goes to Manager for his 53-
win performance in TOGS I, which no one has come close to beating!"
     Manager walked up to receive his award and then stood near the side of the
     "Next up is Most Career TOGS wins.  That award goes to--Manager!"
     "Wow, what a surprise!" Manager said modestly as he walked up to receive his
next award and then once again stood by the side of the steps.
     "And now, the next award is for Favorite TOGS winner.  That award goes to--
Manager again!"
     Manager walked up to receive his award, but this time there was only a
smattering of applause.
     "Uh, how did this award get determined?" shouted Ganolus Oakleaf through the
crowd, "I don't remember voting on this one."
     The crowd seemed to nod in agreement.
     "There was a committee." said the Crazy Creeps scribe.
     "Who was on it?" asked Elephant.
     "Does it matter?  Geez, why are you guys trying to do, taint my award?" asked
Manager, "This is my moment!"
     "You threw this reunion party just to give yourself a bunch of awards, didn't
you?" asked Soultaker.
     "Ok, I admit it--you got me." Manager confessed.  "But that was only half of the
     "What was the other half?" asked Soultaker, foolishly.
     "This!" laughed Manager.
     The Crazy Creeps Scribe brought out a remote control device and pressed a
button.  Immediately, the entire banquet hall, except for the stage area, erupted in
a violent explosion.  Caught in this huge ball of flame and instantly incinerated
were:  Mannequin, Rude Buddha, El Gato, Samwise the Bald, Lord Andarus, Maddog,
Hammer, Scarivace, Umbra, Floyd, Ultraist, Mordraith, Silk, Sabre, Crow, Guardian,
Pip the Troll, Master Darque, Onedawg, Rillion, The Greek Guy, Armalias Skyhawk,
Indimar, Cyber Punk/Elephant, Voyde/Tiburon, Street Legal, Dreidenflag, CFH, Jack
Wolfspider, Judge, Yukon, Shadowgate, Ganolus Oakleaf, Chaos Endora, Colonel Carnage,
Tallow, Miles, Magic Man, Ghoti, Sultan, Hoffa, Whiney/Nerissa, Undertaker, Mr. Mojo,
Bobby Bigfoot, Laura Rrostarr, Enthar, Bigguy, Postmaster, Trader, Otto X, Swifty
McSwift, Johnny Dangerously, Squidboy/Anti, Farmer boB/Shaman, Snotman/Snotwoman,
Nuln, Rascally Rabbit, Darkside, Lerch, Mad Max, Soultaker, Hombre, Inferno, Death
Stud, Destitute Noble, Soultaker, DeGotti, Wimpy, Poison Ivy, LHI, Kokopelli, Captain
K., Longshadow, Lord Xiang, Seraphim, Jekyll, Mission, Lady Elysian, A-Sop, TUM,
TigToad, Street Legal, and DMobster.
     (Authors Note #2:  eTUM was also at the party, but sensed the duplicity and
escaped unharmed.  Tough luck, TUM.)
     The Creepster came out and high fived Manager.
     "We did it!" Manager said gleefully.  There had been many spotlights where a
manager killed off all of the other TOGS managers, but because Manager had now killed
off every single manager who had ever played in a TOGS, new death record for most
deaths of TOGS Managers' in a single spotlight had been set.
     "TOGS Managers go BOOM!" laughed the Creepster.
     The Crazy Creeps scribe nodded in agreement.  It had been the perfect plan.

   + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ You Might Be a Pansy Andorian If... ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

 1.  You have a severe allergic reaction to kill desire.
 2.  You consider the Total Parry style the best in the game.
 3.  A-Sop drags you around by your ponytail.
 4.  You have more than three pairs of golf shoes in your closet.
 5.  You pray to Manager.
 6.  You are a New England Patriot fan.
 7.  You abbreviate your alliance name.
 8.  You have Brokeback Mountain on DVD, VHS, and PSP.
 9.  You suspect Creepster may be one of your ancestors.
10.  People joke about your height.
11.  People joke about your hair (lack of, not because it is long).
12.  You avoid Blackened Pride in Free Blades consistently.
13.  You wear a nut sack on your belt.
14.  Women frighten you.
15.  Soultaker does not frighten you.
16.  Your manager name starts with X.
17.  No one can pronounce your manager name.
18.  You consider a night out on the town a trip to the bar.
19.  Your gentlemen's club has stalls filled with hay.
20.  Colonel Sanders slaughtered your last lover.
21.  You avoid yourself.
22.  You have the words "Sand" and "Man" in your name.
23.  You have a Heath Ledger poster on your wall (Jekyll is the exception to this).
24.  Your birthday has the letters B.C. following the year.
25.  American Idol rules your life.

     + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ A Smashing Success -- by Ghoti ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Ghoti led Big Deal around the fence to the back gate and into the practice yard
of the Ogres Are Us guild house.  All the Ogres were practicing for the upcoming turn
of the TOGS tournament.  Ghoti called for them all to assemble in a line and
introduced the newest member
     "Ogres," Ghoti beamed, because of their successful last turn, "This here fella
is called Big Deal."
     All the Ogres looked at their new teammate and then at each other.  Small grins
began to form on their faces and almost as one they all sniggered.  Then they
laughed.  Smirlin said, "Yup, quite the Big Deal!"
     Feeling a bit insulted, Big Deal took his Stud Lumber and wound up and swung
hard at Smirlin with it.  Stepping back just in time, Big Deal smacked Smirlin right
in the Nut Sack that was hanging below his belt.  Stunned, with eyes bugged out in
horror, Smirlin could only watch as the Nut Sack spun where it was attached to his
belt, like a clock gone wild...round and round more than a dozen times.
     "AAAAAHHHHH!" screamed Smirlin, peering into his Nut Sack after it stopped
spinning.  "You smashed my nuts!"
     "Don't even think of making fun of me," Big Deal said as he pointed at each one
in turn with his Stud Lumber.  "Or I will smash all your nuts!" he added angrily.
     The Ogres all smiled and slapped Big Deal on the back.  "Welcome to the Ogres
Are Us Team," said CEPL.  (An acronym I have long forgotten).
     "Actually, you did me a favor by cracking my nuts for me," stated Smirlin.  "It
was painfully slow using that hammer." he added.
     "Do mine." said Syda Hammie excitedly.  WHOOOSHCRACK!  Came the sound of Big
Deal smacking Syda Hammie's Nut Sack with his Stud Lumber.
     "WHOOOHOOO!  What a rush!" wheezed Syda Hammie.  "So close you would think you
were about to die and when it is all done spinning... (smacking his lips) Tasty Nut
     "Hey, let's all go down to Scrod Depot and buy us all one of these Stud Lumbers.
We should get some extras and head over to My Best Buds 2 house and share the fun."
said Hoscha.
     An hour later the two teams were in the My Best Buds 2 practice yard smashing
each others Nut Sacks.  The red eyed team had serious trouble not giggling when they
would miss and the Nut Sack wearer would double over gasping for breath.  But all in
all they were having a wonderful time.  Even Ghoti and Street Legal were getting in
on the smashing fun when Mary Jane came up with the idea of heading down the street
and smashing everyone's Nut Sack.
     Out the gate everyone went in a straight line.  As straight as could be had
under the circumstances.  They would come upon an unsuspecting patron, stop in front
of them and swing WHOOOSHCRACK!  "The screams and gasping are hilarious!" thought
Graffix out loud.
     People were at first fearful but then they would peer into their Nut Sacks and
see the results.  They were delighted.  Eventually word got around town that a couple
of gladiator teams were smashing your nuts for free.  The two teams stood in the
street as lines began to form.  The staccato sounds of WHOOOOSHCRACK!  WHOOOOSHCRACK!
filled the air around the streets for several blocks.  People were ecstatic over the
results.  Eventually some of the other managers caught word of the goings on and went
to investigate.
     First was Nuln, puffing himself up like a feral cat, hair standing on end with
tinges of Dippity Doo on the tips to make it glisten.  "How dare you treat something
so dear to me with such disrespect of the fashion?!" Nuln screeched.  Before he could
get out another word... WHOOOOSHCRACK!  Came the sound from Ghoti's Stud Lumber as it
sent Nuln's own Nut Sack spinning out of control.  Upon contact however the Nut Sack
tore, spilling glasslike contents into the direction of the swing.
     "AHHHHHHHHH!!  You Cad!.  That was not my Nut Sack!  I was headed over to see
Snotman to play a game and now look!  I have lost all my marbles!" screamed a
panicked Nuln as he stomped off down the street.
     Lady E approached Street Legal.  Her Nut Sack was carried on a very long string.
It was of the softest and thickest leather to be found in all of Aradi.  It was
covered in the best of embroidery and glistened with rubbing oils.  "I don't  think
you can smash my nuts" she whispered daringly in Street Legal's ear.
     Street Legal blushed a bit and said, "I am certain I can Lady," adding, "Why do
you wear your Nut Sack on such a long string?"
     "It's the ultimate fashion statement to have your Nut Sack hangin' real low."
the Lady answered.
     Street Legal stepped back and observed the view.  He stepped up and addressed
the Lady's Nut Sack like he was about to drive it 350 yards.  He waggled his Stud
Lumber slightly followed by a graceful backswing and then SWOOOOOOOSHTHWACH!
     Lady E stared wide-eyed as the Nut Sack passed her face several times before
sending her off balance and knocking her to the ground.
     "I think it was just a little too heavy for me to stand up." the Lady said,
regaining her balance and brushing herself off.
     "Nobody said you didn't have a lot of nuts, Lady." stated Street Legal matter of
     Down the street and around the corner Ganolus and Hombre dressed in matching
pink and yellow, horizontally striped, spandex leotards, listened intently.
Whoooshcrack!  Whoooshcrack!  They heard faintly.
     "That sound, can you hear it Ganolus?" asked Hombre.
     "Yes, it is vaguely familiar, what do you suppose it is?" he answered.
     Walking further on to the corner they saw what was going on.  With each
WHOOOSHCRACK! They both gasped like a panting dog.  "I love that sound Ganolus!"
cried Hombre.
     Graffix, weaving, approached them asking, "Would you like me to smash your Nut
Sack with my Stud Lumber?"
     "No." said Hombre slyly.  "We are going home and smash our own." he added with a
flare of his nostrils.
     "But why?" asked Ganolus "This would be very convenient."
     "I want you to do it, Ganolus.  You know, I think I love the idea of the sound
of Stud Lumber Smashing against my Nut Sack." cooed Hombre. "We can fill them with
pistachios, but we have to hug them first."

          + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Journey to Aradi ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                       part 4
                                  Elements of Power

     Tripwire had never been to the city of Aradi before, he'd had no reason.
However the letter he and Hucklecat had received changed all that.
     It had been raining in Talcama when a sudden rap thundered on Tripwire's
guildhouse door.  He hadn't been expecting company and his only friends were heading
North to compete in the ToGS tournament and Hucklecat had showed up the previous
night and was resting comfortably in the guest room.  He considered sitting where he
was and maybe the night visitor would go away.  After all, he thought, I've already
put my gown and night cap on.
      The loud, frantic knocking continued.  Tripwire sighed and slowly worked his
way up from his day bed and made his way to the front door.  The house was silent
this time of night, the only sound he could hear were his footsteps patting lightly
on the wood floor and of course, the knocking on the front door.
     "Who is it?"  A sleepy voice asked from behind him.  Tripwire startled, dropped
into the fetal position covering his face as he did so.
     "It's okay TW, it's only me." Hucklecat said as he trotted to his friend's side
and rubbed his hairy forehead against Tripwires hands.
     Tripwire peeked through his fingers and saw that it was indeed his hairy little
orange buddy H-Cat.
     "You can never be too careful." Tripwire said, trying to sound gruff as he
pulled himself to his feet and dusted himself off.
     "Who's at the door?" H-Cat whispered.
     "I don't know, but it's awful late for tea parties!" Tripwire grated through
exposed growling teeth as he produced a wicked looking dagger from inside his gown.
     They approached the door together when suddenly the knocking stopped and they
heard someone trotting away in the rain.  Tripwire laid his ear against the door and
listened.  When he was sure the visitor was gone, he swung the door open and leaped
outside in the muddy street waving the dagger around.  H-Cat was instantly behind
him, but once his paws hit the wet earth he hissed and leaped back inside, hissing
and swatting at the air, claws out.
     There was no sign of the visitor, not even foot prints in the mud; the rain had
taken care of that.  The duo started to go back inside and noticed a piece of tulip
colored parchment tacked to the door.
     Tripwire pulled the parchment loose and studied it as he stepped in from the
rain, worried the water would wash away the growth tonic he'd rubbed on his head
     Once inside, in the light, Tripwire began reading the letter while Hucklecat did
figure eights around his feet.
     "Pack your bags little buddy, we're going to Aradi!"  Tripwire said as he
dropped the parchment to the floor.  At the sound of the word 'Aradi', H-Cat's tail
instantly pulled between his legs and he backed into the corner growling his kitten
     "Why?" H-Cat pleaded.
     "Apparently Jekyll and Ultraist have been arrested by the local authorities for
wearing boots in a slipper zone.  Strange customs these Aradians have...."
     "I've heard horrible stories about Aradi jails!" H-cat said as he stepped away
from the corner with his tail still tucked protectively over his genitals.
     "We have to save them." Tripwire stated and made his way to his chamber to
     Storm sat on the edge of the boat with his face buried in his hands.  He'd heard
stories of men facing evil so powerful that their minds buckled beneath the immensity
of it.  He was still sane though, or at least hoped he was.
      The oarsman, whom he'd recognized instantly as soon as the hood was lowered,
had been Soultaker's second in command of the Andorian Free Love movement.  Luckily,
Soultaker had counted on his manager being aboard and wasn't much interested in a
mere team captain and departed without much trouble.
     There had been a moment of absolute terror when a powerful unseen force as
Soultaker stood over him, his robe open, using his strange powers to probe Storm's
mind, forced him on his back.
     After what seemed like an eternity, Soultaker had mined all the knowledge from
Storm's brain that he deemed necessary and then dropped his robe completely and dove
into the cold sea.  At first, Storm had thought the old man had simply sunk to the
bottom, but then steam began rising and then the water boiled.
     Storm held tightly to the rim of the boat as the boiling water jostled it from
side to side, more than once almost tipping the small craft.  He was beginning to
feel like a fish in a kettle as the steam slowly started disintegrating the caulked
joints of the boat and swirling around him burning his skin.  Then suddenly, the sea
went calm.  The evil overlord was gone.
     It would take at least another three days by sea to reach the city of Aradi,
which was a week shorter than the land route.  And despite his near fatal encounter
with Soultaker, Storm figured the sea to be the safest route.  Three days alone on
the open sea is still better than three minutes in the presence of the Aradi madman.

          + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Lord Xiang's Day Off ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Lord Xiang was enjoying a day off, walking through Aradi's merchant district,
looking for bargains.  It was his first day to himself since starting a new team on
this island.  He spotted a merchant doing a brisk business, apparently selling
something that smelled, well, fishy.  Not that this island didn't smell like fish as
it is, but still was intriguing.  He got close enough to read the sign, which had
leaned over and was partially obscured with scales:  Scrodbucks.
     Oh my!  His lordship turned and ran as fast as his legs would carry him,
fighting nausea the entire way.  He turned a corner, thinking he remembered a
shortcut back to where he left his carriage.  The alley had no exit save the one he
entered, but AHA! the service portal to the Aradi Resort and Spa was open.  Without
hesitation, Lord Xiang darted into the magical opening, intending to pass through the
resort and exit the front door.  He nearly bowled over somebody who was just exiting
a sauna with a pair of young and virile women.  Girls, really.
     Nodding to Aradi's Mayor (whose wife would not look kindly on his visit here,
I'm sure), his lordship passed through the hallway where the various rooms and saunas
were located.  Apparently, this place was more popular than Lord Xiang originally
thought.  He peeked through the small windows on each door as he maneuvered towards
the front of the spa.
     In one room, there was a Mannequin in a hot tub!  He seemed to be snorkeling,
and at closer inspection, there seemed to be a starfish and a SPONGE in there with
him!  Not to mention a female squirrel in a diving suit.  *cough*  She was even
holding a nut sack.  His lordship was afraid to ask whose it was.  He didn't THINK
sponges had nut sacks, so by deduction, it must have been Mannequin's.  Funny, it was
sized for a squirrel.
     In another, LHI was giving a briefing to what could only be warriors of his
stable.  However, they were all dressed weirdly, and his comments about Goa'uld and
Stargates were less than informative.  And references to what were only called X-
302's and X-303's only confuse the situation.
     Street Legal seemed to be getting a pedicure while Ghoti was having a facial
done.  They were chatting as if they don't have a care in the world.  Did they
realize that this room also advertised that the package included a bikini wax?  He
was not going to hang around to find out!
     Farmer boB was receiving a Roman-style bath, apparently at the insistence of his
TOGS teammate, Mission.  His lordship could hear Mission complaining about Farmer boB
needing to get better acquainted with soap after spending the afternoon mucking
stables.  Farmer boB seemed curiously afraid of the water, constantly inquiring for
reassurance that the water is scrod-free.
     Slinking down the hall was this weird looking character, heading towards Lord
Xiang.  This person was really creepy to look at.  The, um, creature was hunched
over, so its height was indeterminate.  It wore a tattered brown robe over a day-glo
yellow shirt (which reads "I LOVE MANNEQUIN"), fluorescent orange tie, and hot pink
pants.  Its face was contorted into what might, charitably, be considered a smile.
It was more the look of a voyeur.  What was most amazing about this, um, thing, was
that it never moved until it broke wind.  Amazingly, this creature's motion is
powered by methane!  It wasn't until after this person passed by that Lord Xiang
noticed the back of the robe was an advert for some team managed by The Creepster.
     OMG!!  Was that Ultraist stepping into the extreme exercise room?  The sign
guaranteed a complete muscle toning the FIRST SESSION!  Peeking in, his lordship saw
Ultraist signing all kinds of forms (waivers, apparently), and then stepped onto an
indoor track field.  The trainer pushed a button, and a door in the wall ground open,
revealing a 6'4", young, BUFF Richard Simmons wearing nothing but running shoes and a
smile!  Scared beyond anything that combat could inspire, Ultraist took off running,
with Richard Simmons in hot pursuit!  Lord Xiang quickly resumed his meanderings
towards the front of the resort.  It was obvious who was going to win, and that
thought was just nauseous.  He was just trying to FORGET it.
     Passing through the beads that separated the resort's parlor from its various
facilities, Lord Xiang stopped by the front desk to praise Lady Elysian about her
business, her beauty, her wardrobe, and to confirm his massage for the following
     Stepping outside, his lordship's carriage was right where he left it.  He took
off for the guild house, happy to survive another day in Aradi.

                + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ TOGS Five ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                        The Crazy Creeps Scribe Strikes Again
                         (Or was that "strikes out" again?)

     "Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary..."  Whoops,
better not use that opening as Poe will be out of his grave and after me.  Let's try
     The Crazy Creeps Scribe was sitting in her study near midnight, feeling quite
tired, but unable to sleep.  Aradi does that to you.  She was feeling pretty lonely.
She worried that no one would want her.  Certainly she was a comely maiden, and her
remarkable headlights even had Lord Xiang drooling, but that was about lust.  She
knew she was marked, when she had graduated Khorne U. Magna Cum Laude as first in her
class of killers.  Sure, she had gotten the highest paid job in her graduating class,
and she worked for the famous Creepster, who was really quite a cutie-pie, but she
wanted--no, she NEEDED--a relationship, a real relationship.
     She needed a plan, so she did as she had learned at Khorne U., she was "making a
list, checking it twice, gonna find out who's naughty or nice...."  (They taught the
Gene Autrey rendition at The U.)  "That should do it!" she exclaimed, as she dotted
all the i's and crossed the t's.  She put on her transparent naughty-red negligee
which was a little tight in the chest, her special, Nuln-gifted, patterned, Tommy
Hilfiger black leg warmers, and her favorite Kentucky Wildcat headband from the
studly Ultraist, said her prayers to the Scrod God, and fell into a deep sleep.
     Her plan was simple (The DA--or direct approach.), and early the next day found
her into the execution.  She rang the door bell at Soultaker's residence.  The most
beautiful long-legged goddess she had ever seen opened the door.  "Oh, hello,
Scribe", said The Lady Pandora sweetly.  "What can I do for you today?"
     "I came to ask Soultaker if he would be my boyfriend." replied The Scribe.  "Do
you think he will?"
    Pandora responded, "Golly, I don't think so, Scribe.  Maybe in a few months.  My
husband has been trolling the pastures for that Betsy cow lately.  I doubt he'll get
over it quickly.  He's a little slow about things, you know.  But I'll tell him you
asked.  Hey, you look down in the dumps.  Do you want to go out with me and Lady E
and Lady A tonight?  We'll definitely reel in more than we can all handle.  Aradi is
easy.  It's mostly men, you know?"
     "No, thanks, Pretty Pandora.  I think I'll move on to number two on the list."
said the buxom Scribe.  And she proceeded on down to Nuln's shack.
     When she banged on the dilapidated door, Nuln, himself answered.  She just knew
it was good luck that the simpleton answered on the first knock.  "Hey, Nulnie," she
chirped, "will you go steady with me?"
     "Awet geeth," (oops, not everyone has lost Nuln's eth, apparently.) Nuln
slobbered, as he glared at her half-exposed bosom pooching out of the seemingly
smallish Victorian Secret sports top.  "Ieth don'teth thinketh myeth nut sacketh
iseth largeth enougheth, Scribeth."
     A loud hollow voice, sounding exceedingly like Snotman's blasted from in the
house, "Nuln, hon; get your cute little hiney back in here and help with the
     "Gotteth goeth, Scribeth." said Nuln.  "You sureth looketh purdyeth."  And Nuln
shut the door.
     Plan three was none other than the great stud Ultraist's kennel, and The Crazy
Creeps Scribe headed that way.  When she arrived at the dung heaped porch to the
werecat/werepuppypack's home, she pushed open the already half open screen door and
glanced inside.  She saw all the Ashley Judd Kentucky Basketball Rocks posters on the
wall, and she heard some heavy grunts and exclamations from the back room.  She
glanced into the room and saw a big handsome (Well, he once was.) guy in a Kentucky
University Football Jersey (nothing else) bouncing up and down screaming, "Patsy,
you're the one!  You're the one!  Touchdown!".  The Scribe decided this was not the
time to ask Ultraist if she could be his gal.
     Stops four through ten ended in the same failure.  Death Stud was still stuck on
an ant (A Queen Ant, albeit.)  Mannequin was home pining and waiting on Sugarbeet to
TC.  Hombre was lusting for Anna Kournikova.  Farmer boB was introducing Gladys the
Gnu to Aradi.  Manager was trying to backstab Soultaker for Betsy.  Samwise wouldn't
give up on the dead (Jeez, what a weirdo!) Ivy.  And TUM and LHI had already declared
their everlasting partnership.
     It was a long day of failure for The Crazy Creeps Scribe.  So she showered and
headed on over to the Kelly Clarkson concert at the Temple Of Khorne auditorium.  She
suspected that Ganolus Oakleaf, and Seraphim and Indimar and Rillion (he brought his
Mother.) and TigToad would be there as they all had Clarkson's #1 album.  And she was
right.  At the break she left, with no boyfriend, depressed from the ugly, childish
music, but that was not before she set the timer to blow up the place five minutes
     She had no regrets.  The explosion had been a beautiful sight to behold.
Besides, somebody had to be the one to clean up Aradi.

             + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Silent Warriors ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Ganolus entered the Azure Goliath slowly, carefully.  As far as he was
concerned, there was only one way to get in this place and yup, you guessed it, that
was through the back door.  Some people loved to rush on in, sometimes going in from
the front of the place, but this felt kind of awkward to Ganolus.  Not to mention
that when you rushed and entered too quickly, the owner tended to get perturbed for
some reason.  So Ganolus slowly slipped in from behind with only one purpose in mind,
     Once Ganolus was safely inside, he realized what a tight fit it was.  This place
wasn't very big to begin with, but with this being a busy night and all, it seemed
more cramped than normal.  Ganolus was dressed all in brown leather armor with his
hooded black cloak cinched up to hide his identity.  He stood at the back wall of the
main room, unnoticed as the hustle and bustle continued in the Azure Goliath,
everyone oblivious to his presence.  He methodically gazed about the room, sizing up
any possible opposition, mentally planning out each upcoming move so as to make it
count in such a confined space.
     Just as he suspected, Ganolus spotted what appeared to be his target
immediately.  Ganolus gained his vantage by moving slightly to the right, his back to
the wall yet the exit still readily available, as he watched and waited.  It really
wasn't all that difficult.  TUM would never be caught dead in the Azure Goliath
(preferring Arthur's Last Stand and the bar across the street apparently) but eTUM
would be, caught dead that is.  After all, eTUM was known to be a stinker from way
back and loved the Azure Goliath.  Ganolus could understand eTUM's fascination with
this place even though it did smell a little nasty.  Ganolus ignored the smell as he
continued to watch, waiting for his confirmation.
     It didn't take long.  His target was busy talking (or listening to be more
precise) to Rascally Rabbit drone on and on in a corner not too far from where
Ganolus had posted up.  Ganolus could hear every word, but I won't bore you with all
the details here.  It was Won Too Many this, Won Too Many that, somebody hit me with
a woofle ball bat.  You get the picture.  Although the target's back was to Ganolus,
it didn't take him long to lean his head slightly to the side while letting out a
yawn.  And that's all the confirmation that Ganolus needed.  Although his target did
look eerily like TUM, there was a strange growth of hair on the man's face, marking
him as the infamous eTUM.  Ganolus knew it wouldn't be long (nobody could listen to
Rascally Rabbit for more than a few minutes without finding a reason to excuse
themselves) so he maneuvered towards the bathroom.
     Ganolus snuffed out the candles that lit the hallway leading to the bathroom as
he made his way to a shadowy, darkened corner.  As if on cue, eTUM rounded the corner
heading towards the bathroom.  Ganolus almost choked as Rascally Rabbit rounded the
corner with eTUM.  That wasn't part of his plan!  What the heck was Rascally doing,
following him to the bathroom!?!  Although the bathroom was supposed to be a man's
sanctuary, Ganolus had heard of this personality quirk in managers before.  He would
just have to improvise and make the best of the situation.
     As eTUM and Rascally made their way down the darkened hallway and prepared to
enter the bathroom, Ganolus struck.  He buried his dagger deep in eTUM's jugular and
removed it just as quickly.  The last words escaping eTUM's lips were 'You could
finish the story when I get back you know.'  eTUM died.  The surprised Rascally
Rabbit looked from the dead eTUM into the face of the druid turned murderer.
Rascally Rabbit wasted no time as he thought he had found his next victim, 'Ganolus,
did I ever tell you about the time...'  Ganolus struck again as he drove his dagger
straight through Rascally's heart.  The Rabbit died.  And no I don't mean anyone was
pregnant.  Rascally Rabbit grabbed his chest and fell to the ground next to eTUM,
both managers dead.
     Ganolus wiped his blade on eTUM's tunic and placed the dagger back in its
scabbard.  He readjusted his hood to conceal his face better and then made his way
out of the Azure Goliath slowly, carefully.  He was unnoticed by any living being.
Ganolus went back to being a druid and lived happily ever after.

-- The End

Ganolus Oakleaf, Silent Warriors

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
               Paid advertisement from the Farmer boB local newspaper.

     Now taking applications for the FONZ's summer camp for mega, micro, and mini-
managers.  Any managers with cash anonymous.
     When:  August 4th through August 5th
     Time:  Check in time 9:00 PM on the 4th; Check out 5:30 am on the 5th.
     Rates: Mega Managers $2,500 or a TC prize
            Micro Managers $2,500 or a TC prize
            Mini Managers $2,500 or a TC prize
            Cash Managers $2,500 or a team rollup
  Scheduled events:
          How to be a Mega manager at 5ft or less:  Instructor Death Stud.
          How to be a washed up, no account, self inflated, knuckle dragging, vacant
             expression, trash talking weenie manager:  Instructor Nuln
          Nut sack weaving, (must sign up early due to high demand):  Instructor
          How to kill for dummies:  Inferno
          How to be a Mega Manager on a mini manager budget (this class costs an
             additional $2,500):  Instructor Samwise the Bald
          How to be a washed up Mega Manager in three easy steps:  Instructor
          How to be a unknown Mega Manager:  Instructor Hombre
          Water Sports:  Instructor Ganolus
   Guest Speakers:
          Manager:  How to be a one shot wonder at TOG's competition
          Ultraist:  Drinking for dummies
          A-Sop:  Picking up men for dummies
          TUM:  Picking up women for dummies
          Creepster:  Seminar on personality disorders
          Mission:  How to write short boring spotlight's
          Judge: Legal seminar
          Sandy:  How not to ask stupid questions
          Ed.:  The joys of not writing in a TOGS competition
     Please register and pay in advance.  Make checks payable Farmer boB care of the
     Disclaimer:  Any injuries or psychiatric help needed after camp is the sole
responsibility of camper.

       + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Adventures of Ultra-Man ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Nobody is quite sure where he came from or who he really was, or is.  Some have
known him as Sylvester, some say his real name is Jim, some call him Ultraist, some
claim he doesn't exist at all but I am here to tell you that all of Andoria has this
hero to thank for its survival.  Though many claim him to be a nasty Delarquan jack-
booted thug he really has a hidden side to him.  Let me tell you a little about what
I witnessed and how he saved the Andorian port and vacation village of Tobir!  I saw
it with my own two eyes and swear it to be true!
     It was a mild, slightly windy day and the children of Tobir were at the beach
playing in the sand, building sand castles, and some were running into the water
chasing the waves back out, and being pushed back to shore as a new wave crashed in.
A small group of children had gathered at the far northern point of the beach and was
staring out at a large, very localized, wave that was actually moving with the
shoreline not actually coming towards it.  The older children knew this was unusual
and were staring with keen eyes to try and discern what it was.
     As the wave turned and started coming closer to shore, rather than moving along
it, two large eyes arose from below the wake.  Something was terribly wrong, this was
not right.  One of the teenaged boys began to run along the beach screaming, "There's
a monster coming towards shore, there's a monster coming towards shore!"  He repeated
this warning over and over and half the population of the beach began to scatter all
helter skelter like while half stared out frozen in fear and disbelief.  Suddenly a
giant lion came crashing through the elephant grass along the beach and stared out at
the rolling wake now just a mere three or four hundred yards from shore and rolling
in slowly.
     One old lady shouted, "It's Sylvester the Were-Lion he'll save us."  Her old
husband retorted that it was impossible because everyone knew Sylvester was a Wildcat
and not a Lion, though it was clear he had Detroit envy so perhaps he had decided to
take on the Detroitesque form of a Lion.  But all that doesn't matter because he
ignored this OBVIOUS truth, about his envy, and crashed down the beach to a hidden
location and pulled out a small capsule from his fur and pressed the button atop of
it.  In a flash he had transformed into ULTRA-MAN, a large silver and red robot
looking thing with a blinking light on his chest that nobody could ever figure out
why such a thing would actually be there.  I mean, why tell your foe how much energy
you have left by placing a blinking light on your chest that blinks faster as you're
about to lose all your power.  But I digress!
     He peered out from his opaque bug-like eyes into the sea.  The creature had come
close enough to shore that the top of its body was now showing and Ultra-Man cringed
as he realized what it was.  He had fought giant Volunteers and Commodores.  He had
fought Rebs and even had pushed back a Crimson Tide that was washing towards the
island nation of Aradi and forced it back to the sea but this was different.  The
creature pulled itself onto its hind legs and stood up 40 feet high in the surf,
easily as large as Ultra-Man, and let out a ferocious "hissssssssss" sound.  It was
long and lean with large green scales and a strange orange belly.  It was the dreaded
"Florida Gator"!
     Ultra-Man had wet himself many a time before a battle with this fearsome
creature of the Southeastern Conference!  As goofy looking as it was with that flappy
mouth and googly eyes, it had a mighty air attack and Ultra-Man never knew if he
should come up and support the run or drop back to cover its air attack.  But the
crowd had now gathered on Commonwealth beach some 67,000 strong and wase cheering for
him.  Though he couldn't understand why they were crying "D-Fence...D-Fence!"
     Then it came to him, his electro-magnetic saw blades would be the best weapon to
use against such a stout creature.  He quickly turned his back and began to practice
the gyrations that would produce this weapon, for some reason Ultra-Man had to make
different combinations of body movements to produce a different weapon.  As he was
just about ready he got a little light headed from the strain and his knees buckled.
As he did this he caught himself and stood back up.  He figured to one more time
practice the move and then unleash it.  As he did this it included a slight body bend
towards a crouch.  As he performed this motion a HUGE "PHHHHHHLLLLT," noise was heard
and with a gust of wind a green cloud came from his buttockal region and swept across
the beach towards the giant Gator.
     Now almost the whole crowd of 67,000 had left early because they knew that the
Wildcat could never beat the Gator, in fact when the last time it did nobody can
remember.  Those who remained were knocked out by this accidental noxious cloud
Sylvester released.  But I'm here to tell you I was standing on a bluff overlooking
the beach and I am the lone witness to what happened.  That poor Gator never stood a
chance and was entirely asphyxiated by the cloud and when it came too it swam out to
sea never to return to bother Tobir again!  As he strode away into the strange fog
that had fallen along the beach all that could be heard from Ultra-Man was a
bellowing "Sufferin' Succotash!"
     Next time I tell you kids a story about Ultra-Man, remember to ask me about his
famous battle with the giant Gamecock!  Now Mary Jane, you head to the training
grounds because we need to work on a few things before next week's fight.  The rest
of you may take an extra spleef before bedtime as I know you must truly be frightened
to go to sleep after hearing this harrowing tale!  GOOD NIGHT NOW! -- Street Legal

  + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Events Unfold at the Off-White House ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "He's gone!" G Dubya remarked.  "We no longer have Seraphim's support; his
projects have been put on hold and we're on our own until he gets back."
     Condi walked slowly into the room.  "Will he be coming back?" she asked after
looking at the note.
     With a shrug of his shoulders G Dubya did not respond.  The note mentioned his
return would be rather swift, taking merely a few weeks, but it did not give a reason
for his absence.  Not that G Dubya blamed him for leaving.  The team was having
difficulties, not so much in its execution but in the turn-over rate and the quality
of replacements that were showing up.  Other managers didn't seem to be having the
problems Seraphim was experiencing.  While he didn't seem more than slightly
irritated at the low quality of fighters left on the Dilligaf Legion; G Dubya
wondered about their future after the contest.
     "We have to do something." he said.  "Send out some scouts and take a look at
the other contestant managers.  We identified a few before we started the cloning
process, but the clones seem to have been cursed in every conceivable way."
     Condi walked over to the desk and grabbed her notes folder.
     Watching her, G Dubya shook his head. "Get a new folder, we're starting over.
Everything I do seems to turn into a failure somehow and I refuse to let it
continue."  G Dubya was beginning to think maybe it was him that was cursed and not
so much the clones themselves.  Everything Seraphim suggested turned out to mess
itself up, and while the advice seemed sound they were losing matches that should
have been easily won.  They had lost at least two matches that were so stacked in
their favor there should have been no chance of failure, much less failure in both
     Dumping all the files on his desk into the trash can, he thought about his
"clean for the first time in weeks" desk.  Turning to his secretary he had an idea.
"Condi, I have an idea, when is the next grand get together of the managers?"
     Looking at the calendar; Condi replied, "We have just about one month."
     G Dubya went to his closet and pulled out his beloved "sink the navy " long
sleeve shirt and got ready to go outside.
     "Where are you going now?" Condi asked.
     "There are a few ideas I want to try out before the gathering.  I know Seraphim
will be back either slightly before or after the gathering and I want to be ready.
Do me a favor and gather the rest of the team together, we have one more week to get
what we need done."
     Condi had already begun writing furiously in her new pad.  "What happens after
next week?" she asked G Dubya stopped at the door.
     "Today we will look for other managers who are having less of a problem than we
are, we will study their way of doing things and we will use that information for
after." G Dubya opened the door and made his way down the steps.
     Waiting till he got to the bottom of the steps and through the door to the
outside, Condi opened the window and shouted to the street below, "What happens
after, sir?  After what?"
     Looking up at the window from the street below, "First we gather the
information, then we make contact with the other gladiators, then we'll see about the
     When Condi looked ready to begin an entire flood of questions G Dubya held up
his hand.  "Gather the Legion together as I requested, and tell them that the after
will require them to fight like their lives depended on it."  With that he walked
down the drive.
     Bringing her head back in the window Condi thought about his words, "like their
lives depended on it?"  She shook her head; did he mean her too, and what difference
did the life of a clone make.  She had so many questions and only one fact.  Fact was
that she hoped Seraphim returned soon, and she hoped the Legion could regroup in time
to keep from being a total failure.  Little else seemed to matter.

          + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Blame it on the Rain ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                 scribed by:  Jekyll

     The Gods were angry that night.  The wind was gusting mightily, blowing away
anything that wasn't anchored solidly to the ground.  The pitch black sky was
constantly being interrupted by bright flashes of lightening that had been preceded
by eardrum busting thunder.  And of course the rain.  The rain was falling at every
angle known to man...vertical, horizontal, sideways, forwards and backwards stinging
viciously into anything it touched, almost hail-like.  The streets of Aradi were
almost a foot deep in floodwater because of the occurrence.  The inclement weather
had started earlier in the morning and had increased nonstop into the night.  The
Gods were indeed angry.  The citizens of the city were dumbfounded.  The question of
course was...when would it stop?  The answer, unknown to the fair city, had just
walked through the front gates of the city.  A man and a lion calmly entered the city
and promptly strolled down the back alleys of Aradi.
     The hidden back alleys of Aradi were notorious for their illegal, and oftentimes
immoral and unethical activity so it was with caution that Jekyll and the werelion,
Ultraist, walked through the seedy underworld of Aradi.  After several minutes of
walking, battling the elements of the weather, the lion suddenly stopped in his march
and began to violently shake the water from his flowing mane.
     "Darnit Ultra, as if I'm not soaked to the bone as it is," cursed Jekyll.
     The lion merely grinned and stuck in between its razor sharp teeth was what
appeared to be a nondescript feather.  The lion suddenly morphed into his human form
and the towering Ultraist appeared.  He snatched the feather from between his teeth
and once again grinned his lion grin at Jekyll.
     "Tell me again why we are walking the backstreets of Aradi?" Jekyll questioned.
     "It's this infernal feather." replied Ultraist.  "We must destroy this feather
once and for all to save this pathetic city and of course to free our minds to focus
more on this blasted Scrod tourney."
     "Wait a minute..." Jekyll fondly recalled, "didn't we destroy the feather but a
day ago by fire...remember the pretty little rainbow the flames created at the touch
of the feather."
     "Yes it was pretty." Ultraist mused.  "Darnit, see how this friggin feather is
making us act.  I thought that we did destroy the feather as well, but shortly after
we left the next morning the feather reappeared.  And upon the reappearance of the
feather the stormy weather appeared and has not let up since.  It is beyond our
powers to destroy, only one man can do that and he is in Aradi....  He is known as
Oz, or Mr. Jerk, or many other aliases...we are on our way to see him, her, it,
whatever....  The Consortium Elders"
     "So they is to blame." Jekyll replied.
     "No, they are not to blame...they can fix it, but they are not to blame."
Ultraist stated.
     "Than who is?" stated Jekyll.  "It was Xiang's gift, after all."
     "I don't know" Ultraist calmly replied.  "But Xiang is too stupid to be the
brain...he was merely a pawn.  It is somebody else and we will get to that mystery
soon.  But first the feather must be destroyed."
     The two men continued to walk down the alley in silence.  Jekyll was silently in
contemplation as the two men continued down the alley.  Jekyll glanced to the side
and saw Ultraist as he unknowingly began stroking the feather.  Jekyll thought
nothing of it, his friend was merely deep in thought trying to solve the mystery as
well.  Who to blame, he wondered aloud?  If not Xiang than who?  Suddenly he heard a
tune begin from Ultraist's mouth....
     "You said you didn't need her, you told her goodbye," Ultraist began singing.
Meanwhile Jekyll started to slowly tap his foot on the rain-soaked gravel to the beat
that Ultraist had began.
     "You sacrificed a good love, to satisfy your pride.  Now you wished that you
could have her and you feel like a fool," Ultraist continued to sing softly as he
viciously continued to stroke the feather.  Jekyll continued to tap his feet even
faster and faster as Ultraist continued to sing to the beat.
     "You let her walk away, now it just don't feel the same...." Ultraist loudly
     Jekyll suddenly chimed in....
     "Gotta blame it on something," Jekyll bellowed, "Gotta blame it on something!!!"
     Suddenly both men began to sing at the top of their lungs.....
     "Blame it on the rain that was falling, falling.  Blame it on the stars that
shine at night.  Whatever you do, don't put the blame on you.  Blame it on the rain,
yeah, yeah."
      Suddenly the two men started to splash around in the rain and were just about
to continue singing when suddenly a purple shaded man appeared before them.
      "I believe you were looking for me." he stated.
      A Consortium Elder had appeared.

          + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Radio Contest ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                    by Atlas Park

     It was early morning and the sun was still rising.  Indy's Scrodbucks shop
wasn't open yet but inside were Indimar and Cyber Punk, moving boxes and bags off of
     "Cyber, I really appreciate you coming in early and helping me stock."
     "No prob big man, that's what partners are for."
     "The shop is really taking off.  It's doing much better than I had anticipated."
     "Well you've made this shop diverse; it's not JUST a coffee shop."
     "I can't believe the volume in which nuts and nuts sacks are selling.  Ganolus
was right, Aradi has gone nuts."
     "Well you know that Ganolus, he's a visionary."
     "This inventory seems to be wrong.  There's an extra pallet of peanuts."
     "Well you told me to double the order last time."
     "I did?"
     "Yep.  Hey can you watch my nut sack while I go to the bathroom?"
     Cyberpunk headed to the restroom while Indimar continued to take inventory.
Indimar was interrupted by a knock at the door.  At the same time Indimar was
answering the door, Cyberpunk was making his way back from the restroom.  Indimar
opened the door to find Dilen and Ganolus.  Being the good host that he is, Indimar
motioned for the two to come in and quickly locked the door it behind them.
     "What's going on guys?" asked Dilen.
     "Not much, Indimar was just holding my nut sack while I went pee."
     "T M I." replied Dilen.
     Their attention was turned to a smiling Ganolus who this whole time hadn't said
a word.  He was moving around constantly, almost jumping with a nervous but happy
     "Umm is there something you want to tell us?"
     "Ok, I can't hold it in any more.  WE'RE GOING!!  WE'RE GOING!!  WE'RE GOING!!
WE'RE GOING!!" cried out Ganolus, jumping around the shop in what appeared to be half
     "Dude chill, you're gonna jump through my hardwood floors!!" now Indimar
appeared nervous.
     "You already told me about the cruise you and Dilen were goin on.  What
happened, did they upgrade you to First Class?" inquired a puzzled Punk.
     "No, we are already going first class.  But ask him who 'we' is." said a now
somewhat perturbed Dilen.
     "I take it it's not you two?" said Cyberpunk.
     "Just ask him."
     "Ganolus who is 'we'?"
     "Oh, me and Manager." said Ganolus, still with a big smile on his face.
     "And where are you two going?"
     "To the Kelly Clarkson Concert!!!  WE'RE GOING!!  WE'RE GOING!!  WE'RE GOING!!
WE'RE GOING!!"  Ganolus began jumping again.
     Indimar grabbed Ganolus by the shoulders to stop the jumping, then turned to
Cyberpunk.  Without even saying a word the two burst out in laughter.  Dilen
meanwhile was staring off in the other direction and Ganolus had a puzzled look on
his face like someone who just had their bubble burst.
     "What the heck are you two laughing at?  She won American Idol!!  She's been
sold out in Aradi for months.  She's bigger than TOGS!!! She ROCKS!" now Ganolus
appeared both angry and defensive.
     "We're not laughing at you." said the ever diplomatic Indimar.
     "Yes we were." said a now smiling Cyberpunk.
     "Laugh all you want, you two are just jealous."
     "Yep, we're jealous of you and Manager going to a Kelly Clarkson concert."
Cyberpunk barely finished his sentence before bursting into laughter again.
     "If they were sold out, then how did you get tickets?  A scalper?" inquired
     Before Ganolus could answer, Cyberpunk interrupted.  "NO NO NO!!  We aren't
scalping tickets.  The shop is doing fine, no need to expand into further ventures."
     "Actually no, I didn't buy them from scalpers, I won them." said Ganolus
     "Yep, Manager and I made a deal.  We both have been calling into KHTK 1140, home
of the Kings all month answering King's Trivia to qualify.  We agreed that if either
one of if either of us won, we'd go together.  As you know, I'm a King when it comes
to King's Trivia."
     As Ganolus continued to brag and boast of his King's knowledge to Indimar,
Cyberpunk made his way over to Dilen, who was standing in the far corner of the shop.
     "Did you really want to go to the concert that bad?"
     "It's not really that, I'm just kind of wondering why he's going with Manager
and not me."
     "Well...if really wanna go, I can...."  Now this time, Indimar interrupted from
across the room
     "Cyber you're a genius!!  Yes Dilen, you can go to the concert with Cyber and
     "Really, that's...that's great."
     "Sure is, you can work my booth with Cyber and me."
     "Don't worry, we're not gonna work, but just play along with him." whispered
Cyberpunk to Dilen.
     "Well all, I have to run, I'm off to the concert."
     "But Ganolus, the concert isn't for another week."
     "I know that.  Manager and I are gonna camp out and be the first ones in.  WE'RE
     Ganolus ran out the store....

     Will Ganolus and Manager be the first at the concert?
     Will Indimar sell out at the sold out concert?
     Will Dilen actually work Indy's booth?
     Will Cyber sing on stage?
     Will we get a cameo of Hombre and his famous Leg Warmers?

Tune in next week Kids for "The Concert"
Same Cyber time, same Cyber channel

                + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Wing Hove ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                           Discovery on Scrodplant Slough

     It was a beautiful June afternoon on Aradi. The sun was shining brightly and a
soft breeze was blowing in off the cold northern waters surrounding the Island of the
Whistling Dragon.  Aradians were out in force and all seemed focused on enjoying
every moment of this rare good weather.  All but one that is.
     Indimar strode through the streets of Aradi oblivious to sun shining on his face
as well as the crowds of people out window shopping.  He moved through the press of
people without offering a greeting to those he knew or an apology to those he might
jostle in passing.  Even the occasional bump caused by others did not receive his
usual "hard look".  As he approached The Scrod Shoppe he was greeted by a throng of
street urchins who had found out long ago what a soft touch he was.  They were
disappointed this day as the big man did not stop to hand out the usual handful of
coppers but went directly into the shop.
     Indimar did not pause in The Scrod Shoppe, but crossed directly over to the
Scrodbucks side of the business.  The crowd he found there would normally have caused
him to start humming his happy, happy, money, money song, but today he jut pushed his
way through it.  He went behind the counter, reached into the ice box and grabbed a
pair of Doubleshot four packs and made his way to his reserved table, sat down, and
began to down the caffeinated scrod juice.  He was about to start on the second four
pack when Cyber Punk poked his head in from The Scrod Shoppe.
     "What are you doing here on your day off?  Don't you ever get enough of this
     "Actually I came in to talk to you," replied Indimar.  "Have a seat."
     "I would, but I'm not allowed in Scrodbucks, remember?"
     "You can too, you just can't make coffee anymore." said Indimar with a sigh.
"And quit acting like I'm picking on you.  If I hadn't found that Clarence Thomas
calling card on my cup you would probably still be giving me the old Larry O
treatment.  You are one twisted little bugger."
     "I just thought you might be homesick for some good old Rio Vista humor,"
laughed Cyber Punk.
     "That crud is just not what I call humor.  But I'll tell you what, if Jekyll
comes in you can make his mocha.  Now sit down and shut up I want to talk to you
about something I saw today out at Scrodplant Slough."
     "What were you doing out there, looking for demon muskrat?" asked Cyber with a
     "Who told you about that?!?" demanded Indimar.
     "Elephant, of course.  It's his favorite story.  I could just see you all hopped
up on scrodplant, scared out of your wits, running all night from an imaginary giant
     "I don't care what anyone says," declared Indimar.  "There was something out
there that night, and I will find proof.  But I didn't come to talk about that, I
came to talk about what I found out there today"
     "And just what would that be?  A killer gopher?"
     "No, smartass, not a killer gopher.  A boat.  A sloop to be exact, and a pretty
good size one at that.  Looks like that slough is deeper than people think."
     "That's your big find?" snorted Cyber Punk.  "This an island, there must be
dozens of sloops around here."
     "True. But how many of them are manned by 50 or 60 heavily armed men and flying
the skull and crossbones?"
     "Pirates?  Are you sure?"
     "I'm sure.  But that's not all, just before I left a man came on deck.  By the
way he was dressed and flinging out orders he had to be the captain."
     "Did you get a good look at him ?" asked the hobbit size manager.
     "I sure did," replied Indimar.  "It was Barnabas."

         To be continued.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
     -----     -----     -----    Samwise the Bald    -----     -----     -----

     Samwise was delighted.  He was now in possession of incriminating images of his
mortal enemy, Soultaker.  That scum was going to pay for causing the death of Ivy.
The question now was how did he go about using the images?  Public humiliation seemed
a good option.  He also wanted to be sure to pass at least one of the images along to
Soultaker's wife, Pandora.  Oh, the pain and suffering she could inflict upon him!
He just had to be sure that if and when it happened; he was present to observe the
beating she would give him.  As the outline of a plan began to form in his mind,
Samwise left his office and made his way into the main room of the S&M Club.
     He ordered a drink from the barkeep and was settling down to enjoy it when the
door opened and his partner, Mannequin, arrived.  Coming through the door, Mannequin
was greeted by Liver, the Aimed Blow on the Childhood Trauma team who had just earned
the status of Tournament Victor in the Grand Tournament.  Exchanging pleasantries,
they shook hands and Mannequin made his way toward his TOGS partner.  As he turned to
go, Mannequin gave Liver a playful flick of his finger behind the ear.  Liver, being
an Aimed Blow, immediately suffered a brain aneurysm and dropped dead to the floor.
Samwise shook his head, sighed, and commented, "Darned Aimed Blows."  Calling for the
janitor, he took Mannequin back to his office to discuss strategy.
     They had just arrived in the office when the door was thrown open and Smiling
Goat burst in, and yelled breathlessly, "Code Rabbit!  Code Rabbit!"  Samwise leapt
to his feet, overturning his chair as he did so, told Mannequin to follow him, and
began to run, with surprising speed, for the main room of the S&M Club.  Since
returning to Aradi, Samwise had been avoiding Rascally Rabbit as best he could.  He
had even gone so far as to implement a "Code Rabbit" plan at the S&M club.  If the
Rabbit was spotted making his way to the club, all staff were alerted and emergency
procedures were put into effect.
     All around them, the available staff was a whirlwind of activity.  Rascally
Rabbit had been spotted by one of a dozen lookouts within a half mile of the club,
who had sent word to Samwise and the staff.  Each member of the staff had been
assigned a code responsibility.  The barkeep was responsible for making his area look
unused.  The ladies all cleaned up the main room quickly, making it appear as if no
one was using any of the tables or couches.  They then went into their rooms and
posted an "Occupied" sign on the door.  The hostess ran to the back of the Inn and
alerted the janitor, who immediately changed into his host/bouncer garb.  Samwise
shooed his charges from the Childhood Trauma team to the second floor of the club and
told them to go Rabbit Room One.  He and Mannequin moved hastily upstairs to what he
called Rabbit Room Two.  To Mannequin, it looked as if they were headed into a
hallway that split right and left.
     Reaching for a torch sconce, Samwise inserted a key into a small hole in the
sconce, pulled downward, and the wall panel before them opened.  He and Mannequin
entered what looked to be little more than an extra large closet, furnished with
chairs and tables.  Inviting Mannequin to sit, Samwise stated, "I had this and
another room built when I returned to Aradi.  They are soundproof, so we can sit and
talk until the all clear signal is given."  Mannequin shook his head in disbelief and
smiled widely at his partner's guile.
     Downstairs, a few minutes later, the front door to the S&M Club opened and
Rascally Rabbit entered.  Taking a look around the room, it looked as if either no
one had been in to the club that evening, or everyone was with a girl.  He looked
around for Bubba, the barkeep, but couldn't see him.  Looking to his right, to the
host stand, he saw Enis.  Enis was a big man.  Powerfully built and tall, he would
have made a great warrior for one of the many teams in Aradi.  Unfortunately, he had
limitations that made it impossible for him to pursue that line of work.  Posted in
front of Enis was a sign that read:

                  |  Hello.  Welcome to the S & M Club.  My name |
                  |  is Enis.  I am deaf and mute.  I am happy   |
                  |  to be of assistance.  Please help yourself  |
                  |  to a quill and paper and make your request. |
                  |  Have a nice evening.                        |

     Rascally Rabbit sighed, and said to no one in particular, "My darned luck.
Every time I stop by, Enis is working.  Whatever happened to Kate?  And, I am not
about to take any time to write something!"  Taking one last look around, Rascally
Rabbit gave Enis a smile and wave and left the S&M Club.
     Enis waited for the appointed period of time, smiled, and went to give the all

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                    ----- ----- ----- Soultaker ----- ----- -----

     Soultaker and his best friend Death Stud had decided to spend a quiet afternoon
in the small waterside park north of the village.  It had been quite some time since
the two had put aside managing and just spend some time visiting.  They had picked a
table just off the beach and where enjoying the afternoon sun.  Even with the heat of
the sun, the steady breeze off the water made for a very comfortable day.  Soultaker
was leaning forward with his arms resting on the table looking over some of the
scouting reports he had gotten from the FONZ alliance "secret alliance gather
section."  Death Stud even with the help of his portable foldout booster seat, still
had trouble getting his arms up on the table comfortably.  Soultaker remembered the
days before finding the folding seat.  Armloads of books and pillows any time they
took him out in public.  Death Stud held a folder full of papers in one pudgy little
hand while threatening the death and mayhem of everyone with the swing of his
imaginary sword in the other hand.
     "I tell you we have to do something now," Stud stammered.  "My data shows that
if we don't do something very soon it will be to late."
     "I am reading the same information as you are.  You don't have to raise your
voice.  I agree with you, as much as that pains me," Soultaker calmly responded.  "We
have decide a plan of action."
     Stud huffed up his tiny chest and bellowed (well sort of a muffled squeak), "I
love the way you throw around the term WE.  It seems to me it is all ME.  You know
all of the managers tell me that you are just riding my coattails to another TOGS
     "I imagine you could easily look at it that way.  Let's see who might it be that
brings that up the most," Soultaker asked rhetorically.  "I bet it was the one and
only puppet master Manager.  He has been trying to break us up for years.  You need
to remember back when we weren't partners.  The win loss ratio tends to even out over
the whole contest as it always has.  Don't let these Caesar wannabes put another
dagger in your hand.  You have played the part of Brutus once, don't let them pull
your strings again."
     "Manager didn't pull my strings.  We did that because the cause was just.  Your
group dominated the contest and we felt you needed competition," Stud quickly
justified himself.
     "You can feed that bullcrap to your roses, but don't try feeding it to me.  If
you wanted to even the competition you would have walked in with you head up instead
of pulling a Manager trick and sneaking around under aliases," Soultaker's voice
started to rise.
     Death Stud slammed the file on the table and twisted and turned trying to jump
out of his booster seat.  After numerous wasted gyrations Stud finally fell from the
seat and slammed hard on the ground.  "Whoosh," the air expelled from the tiny inert
     Soultaker rushed to his incapacitated friend.  Looking down on his little buddy,
he saw the flaming intensity in Stud's eyes.  After what seemed like hours, but were
only moments.  Death Stud rolled to his feet and brushed himself off.  Without so
much as a word Stud walked away from his best friend.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
        -----     -----     -----    Death Stud    -----     -----     -----
                         The Search for Nuln's Missing "eth"

     "There darling, that should feel a little better now."  Lady E finished her
massage of Death Stud with one last rub up and over his shoulders and a peck on the
cheek.  "You were as tense as an Aradi chicken."
     Death Stud sat up and began buttoning up his shirt.  "Oh man, thank you for
that, my dear.  I feel like a whole new man.  This thing with Nuln and his missing
eth is really getting to me.  No matter which way I turn, I run into dead ends."
They headed into the next room at the Aradi Resort & Spa where A-Sop was having a cup
of tea.  He went over and gave her a hug.  "Good morning, beautiful, nice to see you.
How lucky am I today?  I didn't know that the Spa was having a two for one special on
     A-Sop laughed her wonderful laugh and Lady E pinched him on the arm before
chiming in, "Mr. cute and Studly has been trying to find out who stole Nuln's eth and
get it back for him."
     "Gah, it's been driving me nuts.  I've been questioning or sneaking around
spying on the TOGS managers, trying in vain to get some clue as to who is responsible
with no luck.  I'd know if it was one of the FONZ guys and I've already eliminated
Dmobster and TigToad as well as all the bark but no bite Delarquans:  Jekyll,
Ultraist, Lord Xiang and Seraphim.  Creepster couldn't have done it and Rillion and
Rascally Rabbit seem to be clean.  I'll have to keep my eye on Street Legal, but his
partner Dewphuhs is trying to get a Lyfe and is harmless.  Even though I haven't
ruled out the Best Buds manager, it seems pretty unlikely.  You have to be motivated
to plan and execute an ethnapping like this and his only motivation is usually to get
down to the corner store for Ding Dongs, a bag of chips, Cap'n Crunch and some onion
dip.  I have a few other managers to look into still, but it just feels like I'm
getting nowhere.  I'm no Encyclopedia Manager, it seems."
     Lady E had poured him some tea and offered it to him, "I'm sorry, pumpkin.  What
about Manager?  Have you looked into him yet?"
     Death Stud shook his head, "Nah, too obvious."
     A-Sop chuckled.  "That's true.  Everyone already knows that he's an evil,
conniving, manipulative, back-stabbing, dirty, devious, unscrupulous, mean,
deceitful, nasty, scheming, treacherous, win at all costs manager so he'd never get
away with it."
     "Right," Death Stud agreed.
     "Well, what about Lady Elysian and me?  You haven't questioned us.  Maybe we
masterminded this whole thing."
     Death Stud gave a belly laugh and patted A-Sop on the head,  "Ah, you always
know the right thing to say to give me a good chuckle when I need it.  Now, if some
stiletto pumps, lingerie, and a cookbook had gone missing, then I'd know where to
     A-Sop shot death from her eyes and Stud's lips pulled thin as he tried to hold
back a grin.
     Deftly avoiding bloodshed, Lady E stepped in and said, "What about LHI and TUM?
They are new to the TOGS this year and you know that LHI will do anything to win.
TUM has been a little weird recently, too.  Have you noticed that?"
     Instantly agitated, Death Stud clenched his fists at his sides, "Have I
noticed?!?  You wouldn't believe what that bastard did to Nuln's poor nut sack!  In
fact, Soultaker and I are going to head down to Arthur's Last Stand and give him a
little what-for."  He got up to leave, giving Lady E a hug on the way out.  "Thanks
for the rub, love."  He moved to give A-Sop a hug as well, but she turned away
frostily, harrumphing.  Death Stud blew her a kiss and headed out the door.  "That
darn TUM is going to get his...."
     That evening, Death Stud and Soultaker found TUM in a bar across the street from
Arthur's Last Stand.  He was staring into his beer and had a bright red handprint
welt on his left cheek.  Apparently, Death Stud and Soultaker hadn't been the only
ones who had a beef with TUM.
     TUM looked up and caught their eye as they came into the bar.  He actually had
the nerve to smile at them after what he'd done.  "Guys!"
     "You," Soultaker hissed, and they closed in on either side of him.
     Death Stud was furious, "Just because we're not a real alliance, don't think
we're going to let you get away with it."
     TUM mocked, "With what?"
     "Nuln.  Nuln and his poor nut sack.  That's a sensitive topic for them both, you
know."  Soultaker leaned into TUM, tipping over his remaining half beer.
     TUM started, "Guys, I think--"
     Death Stud had enough and drove his fist through TUM's smug smile.  They picked
him up off the floor and tossed him out the tavern door head first onto the road
where he collapsed in a heap.
     Soultaker and Death Stud headed back to the Death Studs guildhouse, happy to
have given TUM what he deserved.  They were still up in the wee hours of the morning,
planning the next turn's TOGS strategy when they heard weak knock on the door.  Death
Stud was shocked when the door opened to reveal TUM.  "I can't believe you have the
nerve to--"
     "Wait, wait, guys!" TUM implored.  "I found out what's been happening, why
everyone thinks I've been doing all these evil things."
     They reluctantly let him in and heard the tale of his encounter with ETUM.  As
incredible as it sounded, they believed him, remembering the beard and necklace of
bones and taking into account everything they knew about the kind of person that TUM
was.  It was also clear that this had to be the one who had taken Nuln's eth.
     Death Stud and Soultaker suggested that TUM wash up and they agreed to get some
sleep and put together a plan tomorrow to track down ETUM.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

"They call me the apologist..."

     Whoever had trashed his house, they'd done a darn fine job.  TUM and LHI kicked
their way through broken glass and torn books.
     "Wow.  People really don't like you anymore, TUM."
     TUM pulled a piece of parchment out of a shattered frame.  The calligraphy read
"TUM, nicest Manager in Duelmasters"  The word nicest was scratched out.  (What was
scrawled over it cannot be printed here.)  "Wow.  I don't like this.  Other managers
have always liked me.  What will I do during tourneys when I fall behind and need
help?  Who will tell me who my warriors are fighting?"
     LHI didn't respond verbally.  His rolled eyes spoke volumes though.  TUM failed
to notice.  "I'm glad you believe me, LHI.  There really is an ETUM, you know."
     "I know, TUM.  No one grows facial hair that fast."
     "Good observation.  Boy, I wonder if where ETUM is now."  TUM paused.  "I wish
he was dead."
     "You're not the only one."
     "So, partner, what do I do to make it up."
     "I don't know, TUM.  You were pretty insulting.  Pretty hurtful."
     "I wasn't."
     "You know what I mean."
     "Look, LHI.  If someone wronged you, what would you consider fair restitution?"
     LHI scratched his head.  "Well, what do all of these managers value the most?"
     "Who has time for 'em?"
     "I don't see where you are going with this, LHI."
     "Think, TUM.  What do we all value?  Why are we all here?"  Silence.  "TUM, what
is our job?"
     "We're managers."
     "And what do we manage?"
     LHI held a knowing look for two seconds.  Three.
     Slowly the light dawned.  TUM smiled.  Then frowned.  "I don't have that many
great warriors to give away."
     "Do you have any great replacements now?"
     TUM scrunched up his face in thought.  "One, I guess.  LHI, that's not nearly
enough.  I've gotta make it up to Soultaker, Sentinel, Suave, and I don't even want
to talk about Nuln."
     "Suave?  He doesn't even run here."
     "Still, ask Suave how he liked having the LBA dissolved--er, well, it wasn't
dissolved, but he thought it was.  And anyway, that's not the point.  I have one
great new warrior and many enemies."
     "Leave that to me."
     An hour later, TUM walked into Arthur's Last Stand, trailed by several
diminutive warriors who looked eerily similar to each other.  The Sentinel, Soultaker
and Nuln were parked at the bar.  TUM marched over to them.  All three started to
rise as TUM called out. "Hold it guys.  Listen, I'm not responsible for all of the
badness that's been going on lately, but as a token of my sincerity.  Here."  TUM
dragged forth three of the little warriors from his entourage.  "One for each of you.
Sentinel, I'm sorry about the height thing.  Soultaker, I'm sorry about the bald
thing.  And Nuln?  Nuln, I'm really, really sorry about your nut sack."
     "Uh, yeah."
     "No problem."  The tone was more confused than magnanimous, but under the
circumstances, TUM took it.  He turned with his remaining 4'11" friends and headed
toward the exit.  Suave was just coming in.  "Hey Suave?  Associate-mate?  Here!"
TUM pushed a little warrior toward the dumbfounded Suave.  "And don't make him a
basher.  No matter what Assur says."

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     The scrod looked up.  Then it looked down.  The cliff was a sheer drop all the
way down to the land of forgotten animals.  Where the animals all has leg warmers.
Pink ones.  The scrod shuddered...but was it in fear or ecstasy?
     "I can do it."
     Crap.  I am talking out loud again he thought.
     Clenching his delicate rope the scrod pulled himself a foot closer to the top.
     It was a bit sad really, he thought.  If it hadn't been for that silly bet he
would never have found himself in this situation.  How could he possibly have lost?
It was unthinkable.  But he had.
     The drinks had been flowing that night and Pretty Scrod was looking very sporty
in her new baby blue leg warmers and electric red unitard.
     "I bet...I bet that...ahh, I..." she was having a hard time getting the words
out due to the HUGE amounts of Scrod Berry Juice she had been drinking.
     "I bet that...uh, Death Stud's legs go all the way...uh, down to the floor."
     "No way." I said. "I'll take that action all year long."
     A dark mysterious man with the stub of what used to be a pony tail leaned over
from his table.  "Well then.  What would you say to a real bet?"
     "Sure.  What are the terms?"
     Red smoke suddenly appeared in the room and a dark cloud bloomed overhead.
     The man snapped his fingers and that was that.  You might be thinking to
yourself.  His legs aren't that long.  But believe me...they are.  You kinda have to
tilt your head and squint one eye but you can see it eventually.  It's like one of
those weird flat 3-D picture things.  And as things happen when you lose your soul in
a bet with he who shouldn't be named because it makes you queasy I found myself on
the lamb.  (Heh, on the lamb.)  No way is that pony-tailess freak taking my ever
loving soul.  Screw that.  So here I am climbing this darn cliff with my little scrod
     I'd much rather be doing anything else.
     Especially if it involved Pretty Scrod.  But everyone knows how she is.  If you
think she is tight with her money you just have no idea.  But I am wandering.
     (I wonder how I changed from third person to first person in less than a page.)
     (But who cares.  Give me an AMEN.  I say AMEN!)
     So, if I can make it to the top of this rock I am free.  Free with my SOUL.  But
I wonder if he will follow me to claim his prize.  With his stubby ass remains of a
pony tail.
     Hand over head little Scrod made his way to the top.  Finally reaching the top
of the cliff he pulled himself over.  Feeling the sunshine on his little Scrod head
he decided it was time to change to first person again.  I don't know what I am
doing.  Why did I make that bet?  Oh well.  I will be FREE.  FREE AS A BIRD.
     But then it happened.  The march of the chickens.  It was the foul fowl.  And
they were insidious.  They came in waves of red feathered revulsion that shook the
little scrod to his core.  How could they do it?  He didn't know but they did.  They
kept coming and coming.  Killer insidious chicken troops.
     To be continued.  (Not) -- LHI

           + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Snotman's Spotlight ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                             22 Short Films about Aradi

     Two contrasting figures entered the Scrodbucks, one tall and lean and dressed in
the latest fashions, the other medium height and heavily muscled, dressed in old
jeans and a t-shirt.  The shorter of the two slammed his axe down on the counter and
growled, "Give me a scrodfee."
     Indimar hustled over, "You know, Barnabas, our special today is a vanilla soy
chai latte, try something new for a change."
     Barnabas shot Indimar a dirty look, "I'm not interested in that vanilla
bullshoot.  Give me a scrodfee."
     Indimar sighed, "Ok, what size?  Large, very large or freakin' huge?"
     "Very large."
     Indimar grabbed a cup for Barnabas and then turned back to his other customer,
"And for you Hombre?"
     "I'll have a freakin' huge brownie mocha frozen scrappacino."
     "With whip?"
     "Of course."
     Indimar touched his bulging waistline, "I don't know how you stay so svelt,
     He looked around to make sure that none of the other customers was listening,
"That drink has 12,000 calories and you get one every day."
     Hombre smiled his dazzling smile, "Just good genes I guess.  And the 14 hours a
day I spend training my warriors.  Have you thought about actually working out with
your warriors?"
     Indimar sighed, "I spend all my time here at the Scrodbucks and that doesn't
leave a lot of time for training.  But I need the money from the Scrodbucks to keep
my team afloat."
     Hombre smiled again, "And to keep you in doubleshots and sci-fi romance novels."
     Indimar smiled ruefully, "Well, that too.  Take a table, I'll bring your drinks
over in a minute."
     A couple of minutes later, Indimar arrived with the drinks (and a doubleshot for
himself) and sat down.  After carefully readjusting his nut sack, he said, "So,
you'll never guess who I saw at the fights last week...Nappy Dugout."
     "So, she fights every week." Barnabas countered.
     "No, I mean she was sitting in the row behind me in the stands!" Indimar
     "Wait, THE Nappy Dugout was sitting right next to you?" Hombre asked?
     Indimar smiled, "Yup, let me tell you, the tabloid don't do her justice.  She
was the most magnificent woman I've ever seen.  It's no wonder she was voted the most
popular warrior in all of Aradi.  She was sitting right behind me."
     Barnabas growled, "You've had a crush on her forever.  Did you tell her that you
have posters of her all over your room?"
     Indimar blushed and Hombre said, "You didn't talk to her at all did you?"
     "You know how I am around beautiful women.  Every time I thought of something to
say to her, it sounded to stupid and I couldn't do it.  Then at the end of one of the
fights I felt something cold splash down the back of my neck.  I looked back and
Nappy Dugout was drinking an orange juice.  I guess when she stood up to cheer she
spilled her drink."
     Barnabas guffawed in laughter, "Let me get this straight.  The most beautiful
woman in Aradi, Nappy Dugout dripped juice all over you and you didn't say anything."
     "What could I say, she was so radiant, I couldn't rebuke her.  And I figured
that it was an accident, I'd just let it go.
     "Then at the end of the next fight, there was a gush of liquid that drenched me.
I looked down my nut sack was covered in juice."
     Hombre groaned, "It wasn't the nice one you bought from Dilen was it?"
     From the look on Indimar's face, Hombre could tell that it was, "I told you that
white satin was a bad idea.  It shows the nutstains too easily."
     Barnabas slammed his fist on the table, "Nappy Dugout drenched your nut sack in
juice?  Tell me that you stood up right there and demanded that she clean your sack!"
     Indimar explained, "Well it was brand new and it needed a washing anyway.  I
should have worn it before I washed it anyway."
     Barnabas stood up, "Darn it man, you can't let Nappy Dugout walk all over you.
I'm gonna go over there and give Nappy Dugout a taste of my fist!"
     As Barnabas stalked out of the Scrodbucks, shaking his fist in the air, Indimar
asked, "You don't think he'll hurt her do you?"
     Hombre smiled, "Nah, Barnabas would never hurt a lady...."

Cut to another Aradi scene...

     Snotman and Death Stud sat at the back table of the Azure Goliath Inn, "I can't
believe I had to tip the doorman just to get in." Death Stud complained.
     "Yeah, with the TOGS in town things have been tight in here.  But since the
Blind Goliath burned down you've needed some palm greasing to get into the Azure
Goliath.  That is part of the reason that I've decided to open my own bar."
     Death Stud choked on his Scrooge Cider, "You, run a bar?  Who would buy a drink
from a man covered in slime?"
     "Whatever, my point still stands."
     "I wouldn't actually run the bar, just own it.  I think that the time and
situation are ripe.  The city is packed with managers drowning their TOGS sorrows.  I
bought a run down place in a good location.  I also got good deal on Hard Scrooge
Cider so I'm going to have that on tap.  A little bit of elbow grease and I can open
the Happy Twinkling Starfish."
     "I have to admit that the city does seem to be running low on quality drinking
establishments.  And everybody loves a Hard Scrooge Cider.  This idea might actually
work out." Death Stud admitted begrudgingly.
     Snotman smiled, "I'm glad you agree, I've always valued your advice.  Now if you
don't mind, I'm going to have to kill you really quick, I have to meet the contractor
in 20 minutes."
     For a second time, Death Stud spewed Scrooge Cider on the table, "K-kill me?"
     "Nothing personal but you and Soultanchor have pushed passed us on the rankings
and this is the cleanest way."
     Ever a good friend, Death Stud's first thought was of Soultanchor, "What about
Soully.  You aren't going to harm him are you?"
     "No, of course not.  It's nothing personal, I just need your team to drop in the
rankings, Soultanchor can do that by himself just fine."
     Death Stud breathed a sigh of relief and then grunted as Nuln stabbed him in the
back.  As the diminutive manager slumped forward, the last words he heard were,
"After I killed Soultanchor, I went looking for his nut sack.  I was going to show it
to Death Stud as proof of the murder."
     "You won't find those, Pandora has had them hanging on her wall for years."
     "Eh, this way worked nicely too.  Death Stud thought that Soultanchor was OK and
didn't struggle...."

Hmm, 20 stories to go.  Not gonna happen tonight.

               + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Clone Wars ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                       Part 7

     Nuln whistled cheerfully as he walked into the Team Nine War Room (tm), holding
his empty bottle of Scrooge's Cider.  Snotman eyed him warily, knowing it was foolish
to trust a whistling Chaos Lord (tm).  The distinguished panel of experts were
gathered at one end of the long basalt table that dominated the room, much like
Pandora dominated Soultaker.
     "I see you're really taking a shine to my cider." Snotman commented as Nuln sat
down next to him.
     "I know one of it's ingredients is diabetic snotling piss." Nuln replied, his
smile never fading.
     "You...do?" Snotman found himself growing more nervous by the moment.  "And
you're...ok with that?"
     Across the table, the distinguished panel of experts reviewed their notes for
the two managers' upcoming challenges, while using impressive sounding acronyms for
phony formulas that amounted to absolutely nothing.
     "Let's just say, everything will work out."  Nuln's grin broadened, and he
turned to look at Snotman for a moment.  "Gentlemen?"
     As one, the distinguished panel of strategy experts looked up at Snotman and
Nuln, their faces portraits of befuddlement, confusion and in some cases fear you
could smell.
     "We have some very expert opinions." said one of the panel as she stepped
forward meekly, seeming to be pushed from behind by the others.  "We think we may
have found a way for you to get 11 challenges through this turn.  Completely legal."
     Snotman and Nuln looked at each other, then said, "Burn 'em."
     A lever was pulled, some snotlings grunted, and a cauldron of cold oil was
poured over the panel of distinguished experts.  Then Snotman lit a match from one of
Wayne King the goat's iron shod hooves, and started an early morning bbq.
     The two chaos lords watched with silent boredom as the panel crackled away, then
Nuln pulled another lever and a giant pile of baking soda fell out of the ceiling,
dousing the hot experts.
     "You've extinguished the distinguished panel of experts." said Snotman.
     "Ha ha, so I have." laughed Nuln.  Then the two mega-manager wanna-be's pulled
out their shared copy of the Cogitronix handbook (which was bristling with sticky
notes, and shone nearly as brightly as Soultaker's glow in the dark 'I <heart> Chaos
Lords (tm)' boxers, from the countless high-lighter markings).  The strategy that
emerged had never been witnessed in Alastari before, nor shall it ever again, yea,
verily & forsooth.

(across town)

     Across town Manager, a.k.a. Managerr, a.k.a. Rage Man, a.k.a. Nam Rega, a.k.a.
Manalger, a.k.a. Dwayne the Dog, glued into place the final toothpick to the
elaborate scale model of the entire island of Aradi (it currently took up four rooms
in his house).
     "Ha ha ha, fools!" laughed Manager heartlessly, as he surveyed yet another
masterwork.  Pressing a button by a panel mounted with complicated looking gauges and
dials, the floor seemed to shake.  Then the toothpick model of the arena in the
center of the island rocked back and forth, and began to slowly sink into the ground.
     "Ha ha ha ha ha!  Ha!" continued Manager, and then on further thought, "Ha ha ha
ha ha ha HAH HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!"

(the other across town)

     Lady E sat distractedly in the Team One War Room (copyright infringement suit
pending), as Lady A went on and on about some trophy that Death Stud had that he
wasn't supposed to have, and that if anyone found out he had they'd probably kill him
(not that that really mattered in Aradi).  Blah be dee blah blah.  Lady E was
distracted by the mysterious Clone Villain (not tm), trying to piece what they knew
of him (or her) together.
     Looking up she noticed Lady A had been replaced with another Lady A (Lady Agatha
Jiggsberry of 715 Scrodbushel Way).  That was the one problem with abbreviating their
names to single letters:  it was terribly easy for people with names starting with
the same letter to slip into conversations and pick up where the other had left off.
      Lady E sighed at the mysteriousness of it all, and especially the
mysteriousness of Aradi, where even the seemingly simple and straightforward could at
times be mind-boggling.

(across the world)

     D-Mobster sat in a quiet, dimly lit room, a quill in one hand, the hand resting
on a blank piece of paper.  In his other hand he held a human skull.  Outside, a dog
     And then his pen hand moved with a flurry, and a story began.
     "It was a dark & stormy night...."

               + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Bizzle ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     This turn I think I'm going to write a true story about my earlier Duel 2 (ack)
history that while exciting to me, will probably be mind-numbingly boring to the rest
of you.  But as long as this gets me points right?
     It all started back in high school and seeing a little ad in the corner of
Dragon Magazine.  The most important part of this ad being the word 'free.'  Sent
away for the team and like some of you who are still around can remember, KNEW
NOTHING ABOUT HOW TO MAKE WARRIORS!  We didn't know about odd numbers much less skill
charts, weapon requirements and all the stuff that all the newbies can access.  My
first team was named 'The Brawling Bulls' yeah it's lame, but thank goodness my
creativity has climbed as high as it has recently....  (The Bizzle???)  Anyway, the
only 2 warrior stats I can remember were a basher:  21-14-19-12-3-3-12  Oh yeah, did
awesome damage baby....  Wow would that warrior have sucked....  But, on the same
team I had Akiro, a Wall of Steel:  13-17-16-13-11-3-11.  Without knowing anything
about odd numbers, how much would that warrior have kicked butt in the 80's?  Of
course, I probably would have run him like 10-10-10 or something, but I know for sure
I would have used the morning star cuz that weapon in my mind was definitely the
coolest thing going....  Alas, I never ran them so I'll never know.
     One day a few months later, Ganolus was at my house and found the team and asked
what it was and ordered a team for himself and actually started playing.  After I saw
how cool it was (you remember the 6 pts for a kill, 4 for a win and -3 for a loss,
don't you?).  So I jumped back in and played a team called 5 Deadly Venoms for a
while and took a serious beating.  Every turn vowing to pull my record up to 40%...a
looooong way off from where my team currently was.  I dabbled with a new team here
and there and started hitting my stride in arena 29 where I started talking to a few
more people and learning a bit more.  I remember having a Wall of Steel named
'Longshot' that was 9-0-1!!!!  Before you all get too excited, he only had 32 rec.
points, and yes this was obviously after the new rec point rules.  (I don't think
down-challenging was a big issue then.)  I also remember having good battles with a
couple of teams like Semper Fi and of course the Addams Family.
     Some of the coolest things I remember seeing from when I first started were a TP
named Super Dave that was like 22-0 or something, (although TP's were seriously
broken then.) and I remember out of the 3 arenas I was playing in, there was only one
manager ballsy enough to make an aimed blow.  I don't remember who the manager was,
but the warrior was named 'Amalagalun' or close to it anyway.  I also remember
Ganolus having a Parry-Strike that was 8-2-4.  That was crazy.  Oh well, that was a
little trip down memory lane.  I can't help it, I was feeling a little nostalgic
tonight.  If any of the rest of you have any old-school memories to share, let's hear
em!  See you all next turn....

-- Hombre

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "Barnacles!  It sure is cold in here," said Porn Starr.  He was busy rummaging
through the items in the Bikini Bottom guildhouse's walk-in freezer.  "Are you sure
you don't have any more ice cream?" he asked hopefully.
     "No, that was the last of it," said Mannequin as he set the dishes he was
carrying down on the kitchen counter.  The kitchen was a bit messier than normal.
Plates, mugs and silverware were piled high in the sink and countertops.
     Porn Starr looked dejected.  "Oh, tartar sauce!" he said, before noticing his
hands, which had turned blue due to the amount of time he had spent digging through
the freezer.  "Oooo, popsicles!" he said, happily licking his hands.
     Mannequin ignored Porn Starr and began cleaning the pile of dishes.  It wasn't
long before Sugar Bottoms walked in with an armful of dishes.  "Whoa, looks like
you've got quite a job on your hands.  Would you like some help?" she asked.
     "Sure, if you don't mind," said Mannequin.
     Sugar Bottoms looked over the dishes and the kitchen in general.  "Don't you
have someone to help you out around here?  This place looks awful big for just one
person to handle all the chores," she said.
     "I am a little short-handed at the moment," said Mannequin.  "I have to fill
positions for a new cook and butler."
     "What happened to the old ones?" asked Sugar Bottoms.
     "They recently died," he said, matter-of-factly.
     Sugar Bottoms stopped what she was doing and turned to face him, "How?"
     "It was an accident," replied Mannequin.  "Well, actually, it was TWO
     "What happened?" she said.
     "Well, I walked into the kitchen one day and noticed some shish kebab skewers
laying on the counter.  I picked one up and was testing its heft and balance.  They
were the good ones, very sharp and sturdy.  As I was flipping the skewer in my hand
end-over-end I noticed the door to the freezer was open.  We had a large side of beef
hanging in there and I thought, "Hey, I wonder if I can get this skewer to stick in
that side of beef if I throw it?"  So I flip it in the air, grab the pointed end and
throw it directly at the frozen meat.  Alas, my aim was true that day.  As I let the
skewer fly towards its intended target the cook suddenly stepped in front of the beef
into the line of fire.  The skewer struck her in the head, killing her instantly.
She had been stocking the freezer with ice cream."
     "I see how that could happen.  I'm sure you wouldn't have thrown the kebab if
you had known someone might get hurt," said Sugar Bottoms.  "What about your butler?"
     "One morning I was walking down the stairs, balancing a cup of Scrodbucks and a
blueberry muffin in one hand and a copy of the Aradi Free Press in the other.  As I
was glancing at the front page I stumbled clumsily and dropped my coffee.  I got a
mop bucket out of the closet and mopped up the spill before going to my study.  A few
minutes later I heard a scream, followed by a loud snap! and a thump.  I ran out of
my office in the direction of the sound and found my butler sprawled on the stairs.
He had slipped on the wet stairs and fallen, breaking his neck."
     "Accidents happen.  You didn't mean for him to slip and fall," she said.
     Mannequin shrugged.  "I don't know.  People always seem to die whenever I am
around.  It wasn't something I ever noticed before someone pointed it out to me.
From a distance, of course," he said, with the beginnings of a smile.
     They finished the rest of the dishes in short order and joined the others in the
dining room.

     "It says right here, 'The Tournament of the Golden Scrod is a gladiatorial
contest'," said Squiggnerd, who was looking over a copy of the TOGS announcement.
"Does that mean we have to fight someone?  I don't know how to fight.  I'm an artist
not a fighter."
     "Don't be such an octopussy," sneered Clapton.  "I can't wait to start thrashing
someone in the arena."
     "There's really nothing to worry about, Squiggnerd," said the ever cheerful
Deathsponge.  "I know Ka-ra-te.  I'd be happy to teach you how to defend yourself."
He pulled out two very large foam hands and began an intricate series of chops and
      Squiggnerd didn't seem convinced.  He turned to Mannequin and asked, "What
happens if someone gets killed?"
     "It's nothing to worry about," he said.  "There are resurrection potions, future
tournaments of the dead, stuff like that.  We can bring you back to life one way or
     "So we can try and kill our opponents whenever we want?" asked Clapton.  The
possibilities seemed to excite him.
     "Yeah, sure," said Mannequin.
     "No one will care?" said Clapton.
     "I don't know," Mannequin admitted, "I never pay attention."
     Clapton seemed satisfied with the answers; Squiggnerd, on the other hand, didn't
seem happy at all.  Mannequin figured that he was like that most of the time so he
let it go.  "Are there any more questions about TOGS?  If you have any I can't answer
I can always ask Deathstud for a ruling."
     Deathsponge's ears pricked up at the mention of Deathstud's name, "Ask who?" he
     "Deathstud, the tourney director of TOGS," said Mannequin.
     Deathsponge's eyes got as big as saucers.  "I've found him!  I've found him!" he
screamed as he leapt from his chair and started jumping up an down on the floor.
     "Found who?" asked Porn Starr as he walked into the room licking the stumps of
his hands.
     "My brother!" said Deathsponge, "My TWIN brother."
     "That's wonderful, Deathsponge," said Porn Starr.  "I didn't know you had a
brother.  What does he look like?"
     Deathsponge stopped jumping up and down. "Well, Porn, people say he looks a lot
like me."
     Porn Starr stretched and yawned.  He was feeling a little sleepy after stuffing
himself full of breakfast and ice cream.  "Yeah, I know what you mean Deathsponge.
People always tell me I look familiar and ask if I've ever been on TV before.  I
don't know why."
     Mannequin couldn't believe what he was hearing.  He had thought the little
sponge looked strangely familiar; now he knew why.  It made sense.  Deathstud's small
stature, mastery of the Low Blow fighting style and hatred of fellow spong..err, scum
made his origins quite clear.  Mannequin knew he was going to have to have a long
conversation with his good friend Samwise the Bald on this matter in the very near

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +


     Mada and Eimaj looked at the dispatch from Aradi in amazement.  Both of their
infamous faces lit with enthusiasm at the prospect of going to Aradi to research and
prove or disprove the newest folklore of manager revivification.  Did it only happen
with murdered deaths or could accidental deaths work or was it simply a violent death
that in two weeks would cause the managers to be revivified as if nothing had ever
     "Wow, Eimaj, what a great episode this would make.  I can't wait to try some
tests to see how this TOGS phenomena works.  We can get Grant to check with that
fluorescent necromancer he knows to check for reanimation magic," said Mada with an
evil little clown grin.
     Eimaj nodded sagely, his handlebar-like mustache twitching as he agreed, "Yes, I
can't wait to check to see if maybe this is clone technology or maybe some new
magical robotics at work."
     "Great, then let's get to Aradi and start our investigations."  The two infamous
debunkers whizzed out in quick time and arrived in Aradi the next day...just in time
to see the explosion of the Blind Goliath Inn.
     "WHOA!" yelled Mada.  "That was awesome.  Must have been at least a 5.0 on the
Boom scale of SGE."  Mada turned to the camera and said in sotto voce, "SGE...
Spontaneous Gas Explosions."
     Kari, her hair this week streaked bright red, asked, "How do you know it's an
     Mada grimaced, "Move about five feet to your left, Kari, and you can smell why."
     Kari moved the five feet and immediately moved back upwind.  "Oh.  Right," she
coughed hoarsely.
     The camera panned over to catch a horribly burned man peeling off his skin and
another huge man with smoking armor walking out from amidst the ruins of what used to
be the Blind Goliath Inn.  They were stopped in mid-motion by a prim looking woman in
a smart grey suit.  The Folklorefoilers team watched in amazement as the woman
reached into her briefcase and pulled out some papers which she then handed to the
horribly burned man who continued to blithely peel off skin to reveal the oozing pus
beneath.  Kari and Grant turned away to try and stop their gagging.
     "Mada, I never thought I'd actually see an ambulance chaser before the ambulance
got there.  Is she trying to give that poor man some papers to start a lawsuit
already?" said Eimaj in amazed disgust.  "Well, I'd say that's one Folklore
Confirmed.  Ambulance chasers don't need ambulances to chase, just disaster fallout."
     In another instant, Kari screamed and the rest of the Folklorefoiler team looked
on in shock as the burned man turned away, picked up splintered, scorched table leg
and turned back to stab it through the woman's smart grey suit.  The cameraman panned
in for a close up of the blood spurts (obviously a heart wound) and the woman's last
bloody gurgle, ending with a shot of the blood spattered table leg's quivering motion
stopping its movement forever.
     By the time the camera widened its focus, the man in smoking armor with the
Kurgen-like neck and the horribly burned and disgustingly oozing pus'sed man had
walked away after a mysterious, "One, I'm out of practice, but it's a start" comment.
     Just before the camera blanked for a commercial break, Mada and Eimaj looked at
each other with a devilish scientific glint in their eyes.  "Do you think there are
some dead managers in those burnt ruins we can salvage for testing?"
     Grant called out, "Hey, I found a torso with what looks like a burnt pencil stub
in it."
                           *    *    *    *    *    *    *
COMMERCIAL BREAK:  The new smash sensation, "These Boots were made for Snottin'" vid,
the new #1 DVD on MTV's Chaos Music Charts.  Buy yours today!
                           *    *    *    *    *    *    *
     "Well, everyone, we have completed the autopsy reports on all the burned bodies
in the Blind Goliath Inn and were able to confirm that there were actually seventeen
dead managers that died in the explosion.  And it was an accident that caused the
SGE...evidently, according to some eyewitness reports, some flaming drink ignited the
gaseous residue caused by a near fatal attack on a manager."  Mada grinned at the
     Eimaj continued the lecture, "It is now two weeks later, and amazingly every
manager has now been revivified.  So we now have a few more Folklores Confirmed.  1)
Evidently, Manager Revivification During TOGS can happen with any death...accidental,
murdered, and even suicide (it seemed that the manager, Manager, committed seppuku
when he heard that the Crazy Creepster's Scribe was murdered.  He was heard to
mutter, "Why even bother living through this TOGS if I can't understand a bloody
thing the Creepster says during our stratemigizing sessions so we can plan our
winning strategies.")  So Folklore Confirmed for Managers are Revivified During TOGS.
We will have to wait until TOGS is over to perform control experiments to determine
if Managers Revivify when there isn't a TOGS happening.  2)  As to how they are
revivified, that is proving harder to figure out.  We do know that Necromancer magic
is Foiled.  Magic robotic or golem making magic is Foiled.  And as far as we can
detect, Clone Technology is Foiled.  We are still checking some Time Tampering and
Dimensional Time Shifts still."
     Mada continued the last, "So while a number of Folklores have been Confirmed and
Foiled in this episode, we are still waiting for the results about time and
dimensional time tampering."
     Just then the camera moved from Mada and panned over to a group of men
surrounding a bearded man and cornering him in the doorway of a closed flower shop.
They were pounding on the poor man, kicking him when he fell to the ground, and
without warning a glint on a mighty, great short sword could be seen.  A sickening
thunk and a soft groan was heard next, and then the men seemingly vanished, except
for the bearded man who lay huddled in the doorway with the mighty great short sword
sticking out of his chest.  The cameraman panned in for a close up of the blood
spurts (obviously a heart wound) and the man's last bloody gurgle, ending with a shot
of the blood spattered mighty, great short sword's quivering motion stopping its
movement forever.
    The camera faded out, then cut back to Mada's and Eimaj's solemn faces.  "We'll
be revisiting Aradi's TOGS Phenomena of Manager Revivification in another episode of
FolkloreFoiled!  Stay tuned!"
                           *    *    *    *    *    *    *
COMMERCIAL BREAK:  Lady and man in a carriage driving through the busy streets of
Andorak.  The Lady has the reins.  She looks over to the blond haired man briefly,
and says "TUM, TUM, what street do I turn to get to the gladiator arena?"  The blond
man looks around, baffled.  The lady says again, "TUM, TUM, how long will it take us
to get to the gladiator arena from here?"  Again, the cute blond man merely looks
confused and shrugs his broad shoulders clad in a pastel blue suit.  The lady turns
down another street.  "TUM, TUM, do you know the way to San Jose?"  The blond man
just sighs and sinks lower in his seat.  ***NARRATOR:  For finding your way in any
town, it's TOM TOM, not TUM, TUM."
                           *    *    *    *    *    *    *
     Another blond haired man in a pastel peach shirt is woken in the middle of the
night.  "TUM!  TUM!  You owe me $13,000 gold.  Put it into a Darkholm numbered
account under the name of Elmer J. Scrod, Millionaire.  Don't be late, or you'll join
your evil twin."  The raspy voice stopped and all TUM could hear now was the sound of

+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

No time to write anything this turn so as to avoid being gutted and burnt alive by

T391 TOGS totals
                             TOTAL     Turn 4 Turn 4 Turn 4 Turn 4 Turn 4
TEAM                         POINTS    Fights  Spots   Ads  Avoids   DM
------- ------------------- ------- -- ------ ------ ------ ------ ------
TEAM 2                        263        62     10
TEAM 3                        230        42     10                   10
TEAM 9                        214        44     10            -5
TEAM 11                       209        55     10
TEAM 7                        196        25     10
TEAM 12                       175        51     10
TEAM 8                        171        21     10
TEAM 6                        163        52     10
TEAM 10                       152        39      5
TEAM 13                       145         7     10
TEAM 1                        141        31     10
TEAM 4                        138        17     10
TEAM 5                        131        35     10
TEAM 14                        54         0      0     -10

WARRIOR:                                      WARRIOR:            WINNER: PNTS:
MANDA                   beat                  CHIM RICHALDS       TEAM 1   10
POWDERED UNDERCHIN  was dealt death by        YELLOW JACKET       TEAM 1    7
LIQUID DOOM         was overpowered by        NATALIA             TEAM 1    7
HOFFA                   outlasted             PESMERGA            TEAM 1    7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  31

BIN LADEN           was overpowered by        SUGAR BOTTOMS       TEAM 2    7
CLAPTON                 savagely defeated     DR. FEELGOOD        TEAM 2   10
SPAM SANDWICH           slimly won victory oveINIGO               TEAM 2   10
LIMA BEANS              luckily beat          SONETT              TEAM 2    7
DEATH SPONGE            subdued               HEAVEN              TEAM 2    7
SPINACH                 overcame              TEMPLAR             TEAM 2   10
SAUSAGE BOWL        was murdered by           SQUIGGNERD          TEAM 2    4
PORN STARR              vanquished            MACS                TEAM 2    7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  62

MYSTERY             was vanquished by         FALCON XLI          TEAM 3    7
BLUE BEANIE         was unbelievably bested byONE-TIMER           TEAM 3    7
VENREK                  slimly lost to        VAS DEFERENS        TEAM 3    7
COBRA XXI               vanquished            STARLING            TEAM 3    7
WALMART GREETER     was overpowered by        FALOPIAN            TEAM 3    7
VIPER LXXI              bested                TYVEK               TEAM 3    7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  42

OXYGEN TANK             defeated              HURTICANE           TEAM 4    7
CONDI                   overcame              GOOFY               TEAM 4   10
                                                                  -TOTAL:  17

MALT-O-MEAL         was overpowered by        STORM               TEAM 5    7
ANTHRAX                 overpowered           TYVIN LXIX          TEAM 5   10
TECHNISQUID         was viciously butchered byGREEN DISEASE       TEAM 5    7
DEMOLITION MAN      was viciously subdued by  NUTCRACKER          TEAM 5    4
BANANAS                 slimly lost to        SHORT TIMER         TEAM 5    7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  35

DERRIN              was outwaited by          TINY TIM            TEAM 6    7
SUNSHINE                narrowly defeated     CRUSADER            TEAM 6   10
WHITE WITCH             outwaited             THE AVENGING SCROD  TEAM 6   10
STORM FIRE              demolished            PIZNAUL JIZNOKE     TEAM 6   10
JACK THE RIPPER         luckily beat          RUTHLESS JAYWALKER  TEAM 6    4
FRANK               was savagely defeated by  ZEROSE              TEAM 6    7
YUBER                   savagely defeated     X-OUT               TEAM 6    4
                                                                  -TOTAL:  52

PANTHER                 demolished            KUNG-FU MASTER      TEAM 7    4
SILENT SPOCKER          demolished            MEALS ON WHEELS     TEAM 7    7
BLOODLUST MUTE          subdued               SNOW WHITE          TEAM 7    7
TRINITY             was narrowly defeated by  F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE  TEAM 7    7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  25

RUKGAZ                  devastated            NINJA               TEAM 8   10
SHMAMY CROCKETT     was luckily beaten by     WARAGEN             TEAM 8    7
KRUSHER             was outlasted by          NINE HUNDRED        TEAM 8    4
                                                                  -TOTAL:  21

NAPPY DUGOUT            overpowered           VOLMAX              TEAM 9   10
LEG WARMER LUST         bested                JAMIS               TEAM 9   10
RACOON HAMMER           unbelievably bested   CIALIS              TEAM 9   10
NULN'S NUTSACK          overpowered           LOOSE DENTURES      TEAM 9   10
DERALD                  demolished            SEHENSTES           TEAM 9    4
                                                                  -TOTAL:  44

HOLSTIEN HEAVEN         won victory over      SMALL INTESTINE     TEAM 10   4
PHREAK                  handily defeated      ANALISE             TEAM 10  10
BUTTERFLY               outlasted             HYDRO ON THE D-LO   TEAM 10  10
HOLLY SKULL             handily defeated      JIM PANZI           TEAM 10   4
FUN IN THE BARN         viciously subdued     HOWLER              TEAM 10   4
HAMBURGER HELPER        savagely defeated     DEATH FONZ          TEAM 10   7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  39

FLAMENCO A GO-GO        narrowly defeated     MADONNA             TEAM 11  10
BOSTON TERRIER          won victory over      COYOTE              TEAM 11   7
ONE HOT BABE            demolished            9000                TEAM 11  10
TAY STARLE              handily defeated      HOSCHA              TEAM 11   7
KARMA CHAMELEON         overcame              ZIG-ZAG MAN         TEAM 11   7
PRIVATE PARTS           overpowered           ROXX                TEAM 11   7
WINDOW DUMMY        was devastated by         DAYNE               TEAM 11   7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  55

PINTO BEANS         was viciously subdued by  SYDA HAMMIE         TEAM 12   7
MOUSE               was overpowered by        SMIRLIN             TEAM 12   7
GRAFFIX                 viciously butchered   EUSTACHIAN          TEAM 12  10
BIG DEAL                savagely defeated     WHISTLE PIG         TEAM 12  10
B.C. GOLD               vanquished            SIGMOID COLON       TEAM 12  10
THALIA              was vanquished by         CEPL                TEAM 12   7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  51

TIGER TY            was savagely defeated by  THE LBA             TEAM 13   7
                                                                  -TOTAL:   7

Oh yeah, and death to Team 2.

-- Death Stud

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

Random Interlude as life got way too hectic this cycle!

     A-Sop was in her office in the guildhouse.  While the warriors weren't up to her
usual standards, she'd learned that after a quick sharp lesson, which she'd given
when she sent Flower to the Dark Arena, she had to give the warriors a chance to
bring their performances up, but the waiting was giving her a headache.  Looking out
the window into the night sky wasn't giving her any inspiration either.
     There was a commotion in front of the guildhouse and a loud shouting was heard
coming from the foyer.  A-Sop quickly crossed the office and opened the door to find
out what was happening.  Hoffa stood there panting in between yelling incoherent
     "Hoffa!  What's the problem?" she asked.
     "Fight!" yelled Hoffa.
     "Where?  With whom?  Where's the rest of the warriors?" questioned A-Sop.
     "Bar...fight in The Bar...everyone's there..." panted Hoffa.
     "Which bar?" she asked.
     "The Bar," panted Hoffa, looking confused.
     "Is the name of the bar, The Bar?" questioned A-Sop.
     "Yes," stated Hoffa, "it's new, down by The Docks."
     "Show me the way and let's go get the rest of the team." commanded A-Sop.
     After a few minutes walk, in an area no where near the docks, Hoffa stopped and
said, "Here's The Bar."
     "Let me guess," said A-Sop, "The Bar is next to another bar called The Docks,
     "Yes," stated Hoffa, "this is The Bar, sounds like the fight's still going on!"
     Opening the door, A-Sop stepped in.  The fight was indeed 'still going on,' but
only do to the fact that her warriors were throwing the few remaining pieces of
furniture across the room.
     A bar stool was flung towards the door, A-Sop ducked as the stool went flying
towards the wall.  It missed her, but a broken piece flew back and hit her in the
     "Enough!" she yelled.  One more piece flew then silence fell.  "I don't care who
started it, it's over.  Let's go!"
     The warriors stepped over the mess and followed A-Sop out of The Bar.
     At least, thought A-Sop, they seem to have started working together.

                                      SPY REPORT

     Much has changed in ARADI since last I was here.  Never fear, Olaf Modeen adapts 
to many situations, as do all successful fighters.  Biff!  Pow!  ARADI watched with 
glee as BIKINI BOTTOM got knocked off top spot by DEATH STUDS VII!  Who can explain 
it?  Not you, not me, not GOIN' TUBIN''s opponents, after watching them shoot up the 
ranks from 24th to 8th.  ARADI RESORT & SPA bit the big one as they could not win.  
They dropped from 16th down to 27th!  Are you guy giving lessons or what?  Some 
people say I ramble too much, I don't say anything relevant.  I repeat myself.  I 
ramble.  Well DILEN'S HORDE moved up 4, to 15th.  What's with HURRICANE XXXVII?  He 
actually beat AARP's OXYGEN TANK, and walked away with 26 more points from the fight. 
Laughs were big at DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 while they watched VENREK clobber DERRIN.  He 
lost 16 points and got bruised from objects thrown from the stands.  CRAZY CREEPS' 
hatred of DEATH STUDS VII surfaced again as TINY TIM challenged ARADI's top dog.  Try 
as he might, TINY TIM wasn't good enough at persuading ONE-TIMER to step down from 
the Duelmaster's throne...  Advice to fighters with a 1 will--give up fighting!   
     If at first you don't succeed, avoid.  That'll get you in the Spyreports.  The 
most avoided team was 4000 BLOWS.  In my day, no team with a 626-682-30 would scare 
me off!  What's the problem, CRAZY CREEPS?  How well I know the feeling of being the 
most challenged warrior, LOOSE DENTURES!  Don't make idle boasts, they may come back 
to haunt you.  Maybe SILENT WARRIORS' PANTHER is one of those guys who likes pain, or 
something.  That's what he'll get next week, after challenging up 33 to HOLLY SKULL.  
Sometimes what you expect to do (like in the fights) doesn't expect to turn out like 
you thought.  PANTHER subdued HOLLY SKULL.  It don't make sense.  Taunt your opponent 
MOUSE!  That was my lucky charm when I was unfairly challenged.  (and by 37 points!)  
BLUE BEANIE should have an easy win.  I have to get this off my chest.  What a low 
dog, BLUE BEANIE!  It can't set itself up in a real match.  I was sorry to see MOUSE 
lose.  ASGARD of INQUISITION SG-1 knows how to pick 'em.  He challenged CONDI of 
DILLIGAF LEGION who is up by 19.  Now was this a wise move?  ASGARD perhaps got his 
just desserts, seeing as he was subdued by CONDI and ended up with 10 recognition 
points.  I hate going to the effort of writing about the kind of fights that SILENT 
SPOCKER gets in.  He fights people like HOSCHA, 11 points below.  I thought SILENT 
SPOCKER showed great skill and promise when he beat HOSCHA.  All right, so I slept 
through it!  Big deal!   
     Warriors of ARADI unite.  You have only your games to lose!  HURRICANE XXXVII 
proved too determined for OXYGEN TANK.  OXYGEN TANK was lucky to go in the ring, with 
7-2-0 to his credit.  He will be remembered.  CIALIS of AARP got 11 points for 
removing another young punk.  Tough luck, BIKINI BOTTOM!  I like to see warriors put 
young whippersnappers in their place.  I guess you could say SAAB STORY'SONETT did 
just that.  Right WILD CARDS?  MY BEST BUDS 2's boys should be laying low.  Now that 
MY BEST BUDS 2's manager has gone and let FALCON XLI kill 4-FT PARTY BONG 
unchallenged, MY BEST BUDS 2's fighters are fair game.  GRAFFIX larned his lesson 
(FALOPIAN taught it well), and we right likely won't be seein' 'im fight any GOIN' 
TUBIN' members with the same gusto.  Someone told HYQ that DILEN'S HORDE never 
Bloodfeuded, that he'd have an easy kill.  Well, I'm sure whoever misled you is right 
sorry.  SUGAR BOTTOMS was plum wore out after G DUBYAH pounded 'im silly in a 
Bloodfeud.  BIKINI BOTTOM'll have to get a little better before going after G DUBYAH 
again!  Someone told GREEN DISEASE that WILD CARDS never Bloodfeuded, that he'd have 
an easy kill.  Well, I'm sure whoever misled you is right sorry.  SQUIGGNERD larned 
his lesson (NIGHT HAG taught it well), and we right likely won't be seein' 'im fight 
any DILEN'S HORDE members with the same gusto.  Here's some advice:  study your 
opponent, master many skills, fight dirty.   
     Who knows what the future holds for a warrior.  More fights, there's no doubt.  
All work and no play makes Olaf a dull fighter.  Work and play no fighter dull Olaf.  
Olaffighterwork and no play.  Remember--a good fighter needs both good skills and 
good luck.  Until next time,-- Olaf Modeen  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 ONE-TIMER 7169               30   6  0   113       DEATH STUDS VII (301)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 FALCON XLI 7341              14  10  3   174       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 DERALD 7285                  12   7  0   120       4000 BLOWS (107)
 NAPPY DUGOUT 6080            24  26  1   113       WILD CARDS (148)
 PANTHER 7320                 11   8  1   107       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 SMIRLIN 6568                 18  14  0   106       OGRES ARE US (270)
 VOLMAX 7592                   5   2  0   104       MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
 SEHENSTES 7339               14  11  2    99       VOUGEOOT (464)
 WARAGEN 5573                 16   7  0    93       SAAB STORY (389)
 TINY TIM 6042                11   4  0    91       CRAZY CREEPS (207)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 JIM PANZI 7382                9   6  0    89       FUNKY FOLK (565)
 STORM 4741                   12   7  0    87       ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
 HOLLY SKULL 7276             17  15  0    86       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
 HURRICANE XXXVII 7379        10   9  2    85       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 IN PARI DELICTO 7283         19  22  1    80       LEGALESE (449)
 SHMAMY CROCKETT 7216         12   7  0    73       4000 BLOWS (107)
 BLOODLUST MUTE 7701           5   2  0    73       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 SYDA HAMMIE 6667             15  10  0    72       OGRES ARE US (270)
 TAY STARLE 6808              11  11  2    72       WING HOVE (529)
 MOUSE 7318                    7  13  0    72       SILENT WARRIORS (561)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 CLAPTON 7691                  5   0  1    66       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 LEG WARMER LUST 7717          5   1  0    64       4000 BLOWS (107)
 PHREAK 7327                  12  17  0    61       THE MISGUIDED (559)
 SILENT SPOCKER 7700           6   1  0    61       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 BUTTERFLY 7338               14   5  0    59       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
 MALT-O-MEAL 7527              8   1  1    59       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 HURTICANE 4740                8   4  0    59       ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
 PINTO BEANS 7531              6   6  0    59       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 G DUBYAH 7611                 4   4  0    58       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
 RUKGAZ 7564                   4   1  0    57       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SNOW WHITE 7486               7   7  0    56       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 VENREK 7477                   7   4  0    56       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 JACK THE RIPPER 7487          7   5  0    55       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 SUNSHINE 7593                 5   3  0    55       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 SONETT 7088                   8   2  2    54       SAAB STORY (389)
 DR. FEELGOOD 7130             6   8  0    54       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 FALOPIAN 7498                 4   4  0    53       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 VIPER LXXI 7566               6   4  0    51       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 MYSTERY 7354                 12  14  0    50       THE MISGUIDED (559)
 HYQ 7388                     10  10  2    50       VOUGEOOT (464)
 JAMIS 6735                    9  14  1    50       WING HOVE (529)
 MANDA 7546                    8   5  1    50       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 DERRIN 6952                   9  11  0    49       WING HOVE (529)
 HOLSTIEN HEAVEN 7674          6   2  0    49       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
 ETTIN 7600                    5   4  1    48       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
 ANALISE 7544                  9   4  0    47       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 SPAM SANDWICH 7524            5   4  0    47       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 COBRA XXI 7725                4   1  0    46       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 JAVA 7779                     4   1  0    45       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
 HOSCHA 6835                   9  10  0    43       OGRES ARE US (270)
 PIZNAUL JIZNOKE 7641          6   3  1    43       THE BIZZLE (593)
 HYDRO ON THE D-LO 7642        6   3  1    43       THE BIZZLE (593)
 STORM FIRE 7597               3   2  0    43       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 SUTTY 7685                    5   3  0    42       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE 7639       5   4  0    42       THE BIZZLE (593)
 LIMA BEANS 7530               8   3  0    41       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 VAS DEFERENS 7534             8   3  0    41       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 NINJA 7357                    6   7  0    41       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 NIGHT HAG 7598                6   3  0    40       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
 GOOFY 7488                    5   9  0    39       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 OSO 7682                      5   3  0    38       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 CHIM RICHALDS 7491            3  10  1    38       4000 BLOWS (107)
 SMALL INTESTINE 7535          5   8  1    37       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 ANTHRAX 7669                  3   2  0    36       MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
 INIGO 7545                    6   7  0    35       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 SUGAR BOTTOMS 7690            4   1  1    35       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 TYVEK 7478                    3   4  0    35       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
-CRUSADER 7625                 3   3  0    35       DARK TOADS (590)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 GRAFFIX 6909                  7  11  1    33       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 CIALIS 7659                   5   3  1    33       AARP (583)
 HARSIESUS 6871                5   2  1    33       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
 ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083              5   5  0    33       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 BOSTON TERRIER 7638           5   4  0    33       ATLAS PARK (592)
 THALIA 7547                   5   8  0    33       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 WALMART GREETER 7576          4   5  0    33       AARP (583)
 SIGMOID COLON 7533            3   4  0    33       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 AQUA NETTA 7775               3   2  0    33       THE BIZZLE (593)
 SPINACH 7789                  3   1  0    33       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 B.C. GOLD 7787                2   2  0    33       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 KARMA CHAMELEON 7636          6   3  1    32       ATLAS PARK (592)
 SQUIGGNERD 7694               4   1  1    32       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 ERRA EVAD 7652                3   3  0    32       VOUGEOOT (464)
 KRAKEN 7679                   2   6  0    32       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
 CONDI 7613                    3   2  0    30       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
 FRANK 7484                    7   8  0    29       THE MISGUIDED (559)
 CEPL 6666                     4   5  0    29       OGRES ARE US (270)
 FUN IN THE BARN 7673          6   2  0    28       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
 KREE 6870                     3   1  0    28       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
 LOOSE DENTURES 7573           3   6  0    28       AARP (583)
 WHITE WITCH 7542              6   3  0    27       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 THE AVENGING SCROD 7649       5   1  1    27       4000 BLOWS (107)
 DE NOVO 7567                  4   7  1    26       LEGALESE (449)
 PRIVATE PARTS 7798            4   0  0    26       ATLAS PARK (592)
 NATALIA 7790                  2   2  0    26       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 BIN LADEN 7646                5   4  0    25       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
 STARLING 7630                 7   3  0    24       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 HOWLER 7602                   2   7  0    24       DILEN'S HORDE (587)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 DEATH SPONGE 7692             3   2  0    23       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 GREEN DISEASE 7718            2   3  1    23       MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
 RACOON HAMMER 7709            4   2  0    22       WILD CARDS (148)
 MARY JANE 7173                3   3  0    22       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 COYOTE 7626                   5   5  1    21       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
 TYVIN LXIX 7648               3   2  1    21       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 MEALS ON WHEELS 7575          3   6  0    21       AARP (583)
 DERS 7683                     4   4  0    20       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
-ACE OF SPADES 7480            4   4  0    20       METAL MELTDOWN (344)
 FLAMENCO A GO-GO 7662         4   4  0    20       ATLAS PARK (592)
 BRAE'TAC 6895                 3   1  0    20       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
 MADONNA 7780                  2   3  0    20       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
-TRINITY 7734                  2   2  0    20       DARK TOADS (590)
 ZEROSE 7741                   3   2  0    19       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 DOA 7773                      3   1  0    19       SAAB STORY (389)
-WILD CHILD 7479               3   3  0    18       METAL MELTDOWN (344)
 MACS 7797                     2   2  0    18       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
 URETHRA 7834                  1   0  0    18       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
-RAZE 7732                     2   1  0    16       WRECKING CREW (598)
 TIGER TY 7665                 4   3  0    15       WING HOVE (529)
 HOFFA 7713                    3   1  0    15       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
 YELLOW JACKET 7627            2   8  1    15       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
-TEMPLAR 7622                  1   5  0    14       DARK TOADS (590)
-HEAVEN 7735                   1   3  0    14       DARK TOADS (590)
 DAYNE 7826                    2   0  0    13       WING HOVE (529)
 ROXX 7825                     1   1  0    12       THE MISGUIDED (559)
 3D'S NOT L33T 7833            1   0  1    11       WILD CARDS (148)
 ASGARD 6892                   1   3  0    10       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
 THE LBA 7810                  2   1  0     9       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
 WHISTLE PIG 7806              1   3  0     9       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
 NINE HUNDRED 7681             2   2  0     8       SAAB STORY (389)
 BIG DEAL 7811                 1   2  0     7       OGRES ARE US (270)
 HAMBURGER HELPER 7821         1   1  0     7       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
 DEATH FONZ 7823               1   1  0     7       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
 ASHI 7802                     1   3  0     6       THE MISGUIDED (559)
 ONE HOT BABE 7816             1   2  0     5       ATLAS PARK (592)
 RESPECT THE PACKAGE 7832      1   0  0     5       WILD CARDS (148)
 PESMERGA 7813                 1   2  0     5       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 NUTCRACKER 7824               1   1  0     4       ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
 ANNIE MULL 7793               1   1  0     4       FUNKY FOLK (565)
 PINK 7809                     1   1  0     4       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
-KRUSHER 7786                  1   1  0     4       WRECKING CREW (598)
 9000 7772                     0   4  0     4       SAAB STORY (389)
-DEMOLITION MAN 7733           0   3  0     3       WRECKING CREW (598)
 BIG POPPA 7820                0   2  0     2       THE BIZZLE (593)
 FOSKIE 7837                   0   1  0     1       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 MORPHINE 7831                 0   1  0     1       MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
 MAGMA 7835                    0   1  0     1       ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
 RICKON 7830                   0   1  0     1       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
 CELA'S 7829                   0   1  0     1       VOUGEOOT (464)
-X-OUT 7818                    0   1  0     1       WRECKING CREW (598)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD               W  L K TEAM NAME             SLAIN BY             TURN Revenge?
OXYGEN TANK 7574       7  2 0 AARP 583              HURRICANE XXXVII 7379 392         
NATASHA 7620           3  2 0 ARADI RESORT & SP 580 CHIM RICHALDS 7491    388 JUST REV
PORN STARR 7693        3  2 1 BIKINI BOTTOM 596     CIALIS 7659           392         
NOT QUITE ETH 7836     0  1 0 THE BUNKHOUSE 595     MARINE TROLL 18       392 NONE    
WILSON FERGUSON 7686   3  4 0 THE BUNKHOUSE 595     ETTIN 7600            391         

THE DEAD               W  L K TEAM NAME             SLAIN BY             TURN Revenge?
LIVER 7525             0  1 0 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA 579  PORN STARR 7693       388 NOT REVE
DEVOURER 7601          3  2 0 DILEN'S HORDE 587     HYQ 7388              388 JUST REV
SAUSAGE BOWL 7794      2  1 1 DILEN'S HORDE 587     SQUIGGNERD 7694       391 JUST REV
WINDOW DUMMY 7807      0  2 0 DILLIGAF LEGION 589   GARGOYLE PRINCE 25    392 NONE    
HILLARY 7647           1  5 0 DILLIGAF LEGION 589   SUGAR BOTTOMS 7690    389 JUST REV
LIQUID DOOM 5812       2  9 0 ELEMENTS OF POWER 390 BORED ELF 19          392 NONE    
EUSTACHIAN 7499        4  5 0 GOIN' TUBIN' 577      GRAFFIX 6909          391 JUST REV
SHORT TIMER 7822       1  1 0 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 585 MARINE TROLL 18       392 NONE    
MISS UNDERSTOOD 7301  12 18 0 THE MISGUIDED 559     FALCON XLI 7341       390         
4-FT PARTY BONG 6908  12  6 0 MY BEST BUDS 2 542    FALCON XLI 7341       388 NOT REVE
YUBER 7812             1  2 0 SUPERIOR FORCES 1 586 TYVIN LXIX 7648       392         
BANANAS 7795           0  4 0 THINGS ILL NEVER  601 STONE GOLEM 26        392 NONE    
OPERA 7776             0  1 0 THINGS ILL NEVER  601 CLAPTON 7691          388 NOT REVE
SOAP OPERAS 7796       0  1 0 THINGS ILL NEVER  601 SAUSAGE BOWL 7794     389 NONE    
LOS ABE'S 7828         0  1 0 VOUGEOOT 464          3D'S NOT L33T 7833    392         
NULN'S NUTSACK 7782    3  2 0 WILD CARDS 148        SONETT 7088           392         
TECHNISQUID 7708       2  3 0 WILD CARDS 148        GREEN DISEASE 7718    391 JUST REV
POWDERED UNDERCH 7785  0  3 0 WILD CARDS 148        YELLOW JACKET 7627    391         
PREIA 7664             3  2 0 WING HOVE 529         DISPOSABLE 7808       390 NONE    

                                     PERSONAL ADS

     Y'all are slipping--there were only 31 pages (as edited, not as printed) of
     spotlights this turn.  *grin* -- Ed.

Avenging Scrod -- Far be it from me to give you the much needed advice, but you
clearly needed to use more of those 4000 blows.  But, then, you are something of a
cute little fawn. -- White Witch

Derrin -- Couldn't keep your hands off my body, could you?  (wink)  I think I'm in
love. -- Tiny Tim

Bloodlust Mute -- You cad!  I hope you enjoy your stolen apple. -- Snow White

Aradi -- Life is good.  And so is death. -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe

Sneaky Little Mouse -- Surprise!  Or were you skill raping? -- Smirlin

I hate gladiators with TV challenges.  I can never get mine through. -- Ghoti

Future TOGS rule -- No use of TV's in this contest. -- Ghoti

The 4th round awards for spots by The Award Winning Aradi Free Press are:
     Blue Bonnet (1st)          Top 5 TOGS night Snotman
     Red Bandanna (2nd)         Elements Of Power football
     White Headband (3rd-T)     Farmer boB hometown paper
     White Headband (3rd-T)     Nuln's Missing Eth
     Pink Pantaloon (last)      Troubles in the Whitehouse
     Pink Pantaloon (last)      Rabbit's Ramblings
     (From The Famous AWAFP Editor)

Congratulations to One-Time, the Aradi Duelmaster who does not deserve to be on the
throne. -- All Your Crazy Creeps "Friends"

TUM -- Well, of course.  You are very nappy with those fancy pastels.  Tiny Tim keeps
us posted on all that stuff. -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe

boB -- The real Creepster is always with us.  His relatively recent "visits" to
Alastarian Communications Technical School and the Aradi Asylum have tempered his
views on communicating.  He likes having his own personal scribe. -- The Crazy creeps

boB -- Hi diddly dongeronious doo dah de dah dah day! -- The Creepster

Mr. Stud Of Death -- The Creepster sends his regards for a rather decent imitation of
Creepstereese . You da man. -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe

Mr. Manager and Worthless TOGS Stat Of The Day -- We would be interested in W/L
records of those with 75+ wins. -- Us Crazy Creeps (you know -- your partners)

Wild and unsubstantiated guesses from the Crazy Creeps group:
Manager X is king Manager
Manager Y is crafty LHI
Manager A is anchor Soultaker
Manager B is little Death Stud
Manager K is naughty Nuln
Manager L is cute Snotman

Tidbits From The Award Winning Aradi Free Press:
   Blue Beanie couldn't take it and ran from Aradi.
   Hydro On The D-Lo took 18 minutes to lose?
   Death Stud apologized for his mean and despicable personals and spots.
   Indimar went to confession with Your Grace, Cardinal Creepster.
   Seraphim declared The Crazy Creepster sane.
   Lord Chang/Shang/Ying Yang is really a Lord.
   DMs get credit for up/downchallenges when they belong to The Stud.
   Everybody loves Nuln.
   LHI is giving all his aimed blows to the winner of his contest.
   Rillion still has a fork in his eye.
   Rascally Rabbit made The Creepster proud with another pantaloon.
   Clapton is a plankton and is having a "coming out" party.
   Manager is executing phase seventeen of Plan TOGS Dominance.
   Soultaker is riding Death Stud.
   Ultraist has not cleaned up several piles of feces.
   TUM dissolved the LBA.
   Crazy Creeps Scribe graduated magna cum laude from Khorne University.
   Martha Stewart called Indimar about some insider information.
   Is Soultaker dropping Betsy for Patty?  Will Pandora react?
   Biz's mom has a full cast on her arm.  She is filing a suit.
   Drat is pretty average with a scimitar.
   Jekyll had a pleasant hump on a camel.
   The Creepster had an assist in inventing the game of Football.
   Ghoti can prove that the FONZ is cheating.
   FONZ = Freaky Oinkers Needing Zeal
   Rillion is Rabbit posse.
   DMobster goes for Gangsta type super hot tamales.
   Does Kentucky have a football Team?

Soultaker-- I'm regressing?  Back on the porch?  Saint Bernard?  Clearly you have me
confused.-- Ultraist

     TOGS'll do that to anybody. -- Ed.

All -- This is just an ad in case I forget or don't do any ads later. --  Manager

Indimar -- Thanks for the business, Indi!  Your new nut sack makes you look very
distinguished.  I'll be recharging my Scrodbucks card real soon. : ) -- Dilen

Mannequin -- Live by the kill, die by the kill.  Revenge will be ours! -- Dilen's

For those of you who know me, you know I loved my Sausage Bowl.  Sausage Bowl was 8-
9-16-21-9-4-17, my first aimed blow, and my second 21 Wit warrior (both dead now
thanks to the murdering savages running around Aradi).  A memorial service will be
held at my shop (Dilen's Delights, right across from Scrodbucks) for those who wish
to pay their last respects (absolutely no Mannequins allowed).  This service will
take place immediately following the upcoming arena fights.  Thanks to those of you
who have already shown your support, compassion, and caring. -- Dilen

Pauly -- I agree, we are going to be sick of each other by the end of TOGS.  Maybe
sooner with all the deaths going around.  We are very sorry about the loss of Wilson
Ferguson.  Ettin respectfully awaits your Bloodfeud. -- Dilen

The Award Winning Aradi Free Press -- I want my third place white headband that you
mistakenly gave to fishboy Ghoti for Aradi Gone Nuts.  Thank you in advance for
correcting this error. -- Ganolus

Cyber Punk -- Nice turn, man.  Congrats! -- Silent Warriors

Nuln -- Umm, I think you left your nut sack back in the street in front of Dilen's
Delights.  I was gonna grab it for you, but...well...I didn't.  Just thought you
should know before someone steps on your nuts (I'm also trying to make you not hate
me so much before you seek your revenge). -- Your very apologetic friend, Ganolus

Snotman -- Thanks for scribing my last spotlight.  The editors never knew what hit
'em!  Sorry to hear about your short lived cider. -- Ganolus

Dilen -- It may be too soon, but I'll buy you a new Sausage Bowl once you've had
sufficient time to mourn. -- Ganolus

Rillion -- Sorry bro, no conspiracies here, just a simple challenge.  No offense, but
there are bigger scrod to fry at the moment.  Rukgaz's most efficient wrath has been
duly noted though. -- Ganolus

Stud -- Thanks for the 'all in good fun' personal ad last turn.  That goes for me as
well.  TOGS is a great opportunity to push the envelopes of good taste and decency at
the expense of other managers.  At the end the day (or the end of TOGS as the case
may be), no offense is meant or (hopefully) taken by anything that is said during the
contest. -- Ganolus

Ed. -- I definitely appreciate the editing instead of removing.  Thank you.  I
promise to stop whining so much. : ) -- Ganolus

     *stern look* As long as that's all clear then.  Actually, I'm not in such a bad
     mood this week, though there's still going to be a little suffering out there.
     -- Ed.

Nuln -- Who is that?  Didn't he used to be a manager back in the old days; must be
some washed up Dark Circle guy. -- boB

Soultaker -- So how's the bingo and shuffle board going? -- boB
P.S.  You said you where crying while reading Betsy's article; does that mean yes?

[Ads from last turn that I'd like to blame on HAL, but actually just a product of my
procrastination and that annoying ability of work to interrupt my not working. --

Street Legal -- Maybe the Lions Suck banner Creepster had wasn't the 2005
Commemorative Edition that was hanging in your den.  Perhaps it was actually the 2004
Edition, or the 2003 Edition?  Or the 2002, 2001, or Y2K one, or maybe even one of
the ones from your complete 80's and 90's boxed set.  I hear the full sets, if
shrink-wrapped, are fetching a pretty penny on eBay. -- Death Stud

Barnabas -- I noticed that you used the phrase "ssssssstttttuddddd" when referring to

Indimar and I don't think I need to remind you that this is a trademarked (TM) Death
Studs term that may only be used legally in reference to myself, my warriors, or
associated teams. -- The Death Stud

Soultaker -- Get off my back! -- Death Stud, wondering why Soultaker prefers to ride
side saddle and wishing he could at least get a blanket to keep the saddle from
chaffing so much

Mission -- Aye, man, get that 31 line spotlight thing under control.  Yer killing
Farmer boB's usually pleasant disposition. -- the Stud of Death

Mission -- Sorry about that thing with Miss Understood.  I had to challenge down a
bazillion points to reach anyone I could challenge and was just trying to take my
best matchup.  Death Stud says it was a "FORE KAY DEE" on the strategy sheet,
whatever than means.  I had no intention to kill Miss Understood when it would suit
the boss' purposes better to leave him alive for future abuse.  See the logic?  Sorry
again. -- Falcon, the not really bloodthirsty even though it seems like it

Nuln -- Who cares about your concentration level?  Think about the rest of us.
Actually, your team seems to be performing much better now that they can understand
you.  It was become mildly annoying to see you and Snotto's team hovering so close to
that of me and Chromie, so I will be redoubling my efforts to secure the whereabouts
of your eth. -- Death Stud

Creepster -- No, I re-added all of your points and it looks like everything is
correct.  I think the mistake was in assuming that the two of you would actually be
competition and some things are out of even my control.  Fight on, little buckaroo.
-- Death Stud

Manager -- RE: spotlights.  I know <hanging head ashamedly>.  I've been trying to
make up for it with a bit of good humor, but I am embarrassed for my effort so far.
One should know that when Ghoti is punking one on spotlight length, that it is time
to get it together.  Last turn was better. -- Death Stud

Dr. Feelgood -- Street's leniency and forgiveness is well-noted and appreciated. --

Goofy -- Aw gawrsh, thank you for the win. -- Cobra

Tiny Tim -- I can't believe you hit a tired, unarmed man.  I guess you don't go in
for that " God bless us, everyone." thing anymore. -- Derrin

Jekyll -- Now that was a classic Midnight Foundation style bloodfeud dodge.  Did it
remind you of the good old days with Carnage and the boys?  I really don't know what
to say.  Maybe this will work.  Once an MFer, always an MFer. -- Indimar Fallon

Leg Warmer Lust -- Let me guess...desperation strategy of doom? -- Jamis

Snotman -- What woman wouldn't love a hot Scrooge Cider?  Just not the same is it? --

     Which is the whole point, no? -- Ed.

Creepster -- Is there a Creepsterese to English phrase book available?  Does your
scribe ever take liberties with the translation?  Have you always been crazy or was
there a traumatic experience in your early years that made you snap?  I clearly have
way too much time on my hands if I am wondering about stuff like this. -- Indimar

Nuln -- Sure, I'll accept some beer nuts.  That is, of course, assuming I don't have
to personally retrieve them from your nut sack. -- Pauly

Jekyll -- The fact that I am called Pauly and that a character in the Rocky movies is
called Pauly is a complete coincidence.  Everyone knows that I am named after Pauly
Shore.  Just the thought that some one who read that statement might have actually
believed I was named after someone in the Rocky movies is embarrassing and makes me
almost throw up.  You know, like when you feel food start to rise up but it doesn't
make it all the way , so you instead make that funny dry heave looking face?  No?
Well, anyway, that's what I do every time I think about that ad.  That, combined with
the bulimia, is really wreaking havoc with my teeth.  Anywho, let me make sure this
is perfectly clear to everyone:  I am named after Pauly Shore, NOT some weird goofy
weasely guy from the Rocky movies.  Got it?  Good. -- Pauly, as in not the guy from
the Rocky movies

One-Timer -- Guess we should call you Two-Timer now.  Just don't be thinkin' any
sloppy thirds, you sick puppy.  Some of us other guys wanna sit on that throne when
you're done. -- anonymous member of the ADMFC (Aradi Duel Master Fan Club)

Creepster Scribe -- It's good to know you can bought for an exorbitant price.  Do you
except payment in scrod? -- Nuln

Pandora -- Eh, we'll all be long dead by the time your silly contract expires.  Boy,
you demon's are all talk. -- CACftDoS

Pauly -- As long as your cousin doesn't worship the Dark Lord or secretly run a team
here in 60, I think you should be safe.  But yeah, that is a little...spooky. --

Manager -- I would think if one was a true TP lover, he or she would appreciate the
style in all its many forms.  As for scumming in TOGS being out of fashion, look
around you:  there are A LOT of unfashionable people out there <specially that
partner of yours>. -- Nuln

Managerr -- It was actually Snotman's suggestion, that egomaniacal mega-manager that
he is.  I've got to learn how to say "no" better. -- Nuln

Betsy -- I will pass said info along to the man upstairs who cannot be named by a
certain other person who the person who cannot be named ordered me not to name
either.  While we're at it, we should probably keep our identities concealed from
each other as well, just in case, y'know? -- he who might be Derald
P.S.  My boss who cannot be named wanted to let your boss who can't be named either,
know that he will kill him soon in a spotlight, he just hadn't gotten around to it
yet.  He said since he didn't exist, you didn't have to bother thanking him.

Ghoti -- That's what you think.  Unfortunately for you, my web of teams across
Alastari are all powering a super-generator underneath my castle that will soon give
me complete control of the world.  Yes, the world. -- Nuln

     Then maybe you can explain something.  WHY would anybody want to control the
     world?  There's way too much work involved, especially with the continually
     declining quality of minions. -- Ed.

Indimar -- No insta-anything for me, but thanks.  Digging the spots, btw.  You write
a mean Barnabas. -- Nuln

Jamis -- Hee hee hee.  One day I'll tell my grandkids about that fight. -- Leg Warmer

Soultaker -- Hey man, you saved my life.  I owe you one, bud.  I don't know how, and
I don't know when, but I'll repay my debt. :)) -- Nuln, definitely not drunk

Boston T -- Then I'll fight you in my dreams! -- the Avenging S

Samwise -- *wugga wugga wugga*  Erm, you certainly have a way with the imagery there,
I have to hand it to you.  Whew! -- Nuln, recovering

Snotman -- It's interesting you asked, because I had my Nut Sack upgraded a while
back to a Nut Sack of Holding, a la the old D & D game.  It's like some gateway to
the Astral Dimension or something, I didn't catch all the specifics.  So to answer
your question, I think you could throw a giraffe EATING a watermelon into that baby.
-- Nuln

Waragen -- Don't even start.  Talk to the hand. -- Shmamy Crockett

Rascally Rabbit -- After a long hard search, I found someone who will do your ghost-
writing for you:  D-Mobster, c'mon down! -- Nuln

Inigo -- So at last, we meet.  <again conspicuously adjusting his 6 fingered glove>
I think now is the point where I run away! -- Chim Richalds, fleeing for his life

Manda -- Revenge is yours, lo!  What, ho, I have been beaten! -- Chim Richalds,
aspiring thespian

Lady E -- Yes, laughing on the way to, inside of, and coming back from the bank are
all good things.  Sometimes I'll just walk in circles around a bank, laughing.  All
one of the many reasons to enjoy the goodness of TOGS. -- Nuln

White Witch -- Dude, you're a dude AND you're a witch?  Shouldn't you be the White
Warlock?  In any case, I hate you and I wish you'd die. -- the Avenging Scrod

Sehenstes -- And what the heck kind of name is Sehenstes?  Just for that you should
die. -- Derald, definitely NOT bitter in the least

Clapton -- You're lucky that swing in minute three was clumsily made, because I was
looking to send your tears to heaven! -- Dr. Feelgood

Karma Chameleon -- You sure can take a blow but please tell me why you wear all that
makeup. -- Zig Zag Man

TOGS -- Marking the end of my time on board the aircraft carrier I've been stationed
on, the beginning of several weeks of school, the translocation of my entire
household, and the fact my wife is in need of some minor surgery I am almost on
maintenance.  I will be here, yet no here. -- Seraphim

Lord Xiang -- It's not over till (well you know the rest), and I don't even know any
singers so I think we're ok. -- Seraphim

Mannequin -- Ok going back to basics; there is no way you should have beat Bin Laden
twice, and I'll be trying to figure out why.  Heck you didn't even make it to the end
of the fools mail-in with that warrior and I'm looking for explanations of my
failure.  If I find any I'll be back. -- Seraphim
P.S.  I never quit a challenge, so I'll be back anyway. -- S

Ganolus -- It was in my spotlight!  I gave you some nuts! -- Manager

Useless TOGS stat of the Day:
Top 10 Worst TOGS Performances (minimum 10 fights):
 1.  Bigguy 3-22 (12%) TOGS II
 2.  Otto X 6-17 (26.0%) TOGS III
 3.  Otto X 6-16 (27.2%) TOGS II
 4.  LHI 7-18 TOGS III (28%)
 5.  Enthar 5-17 (29.4%) TOGS II
 6.  Undertaker 9-21 (30%) TOGS I
     Johnny Dangerously 21-49 (30%) TOGS II

 8.  Onedawg 20-44 (31.25%)
 9.  Armalias 22-43 (33.8%) TOGS IV
10.  Sultan 23-42 (35.5%) TOGS I

Indimar -- Well, Disposable was named as such.  He was simply designed to get some
quick random matchup points on Turn 1 as I try to complete my squad in the middle of
the darn contest (darn those tourney deaths!) and field a Team of 5.  He was destined
for the DA his second fight no matter what.  Not trying to duck you though it does
give me a cheap pleasure to off a fellow contestant's warrior, then not give him the
opportunity for a bloodfeud. -- Jekyll

Snotman -- Course the minute I say the above, I kill one of your warriors as well.
Green Disease will not be visiting the DA.  So, the question is (especially with two
potential BF's at your disposal)...you gonna downchallenge and try for an easier 4
points or abandon the revenge factor and try for the 7 point upchallenge.  Guess
we'll find out this turn.  At any rate, Green Disease awaits your bloodfeud. --

Pauly, Indimar, Hombre, and Elephant -- I did a little research the past week or so.
I do remember you clowns.  No hard feelings, boys and girls.  Business is business
and not personal as it might have gotten from some.  DM 62 about 4-5 years back was
an...interesting time, to say the least.  Had to have Carnage (retired now) refresh
my memory.  Having a little reunion tour coming to 62 soon, eh? -- Jekyll

Stud of Death -- No twist, maybe a slice, no actually just messing with Indy's mind.
-- Punk of Cyber

Aradi Free Press -- I'm far from the best, but Worst Warrior?  You better check
yourself. -- One Hot Babe
P.S.  Don't you wish your girlfriend was Hot like me?

Pauly -- Bring back the Freakshow?  Don't you get enough of that when you visit Papa?
-- Cyber
P.S.  Leg Warmers on the arm was pretty darn funny.  Scary part is not only was it
funny but it's probably true.

Ganolus and Hombre -- Don't worry there's plenty more of Biz and the Matrix -- Cyber

Crazy Creepster -- I'm happy the death of my warriors and personal ads amuse you.
Your position in the TOGS standings, relative to mine, is a big source of amusement
for me!  <grin> -- Samwise

Death Stub -- What's with all the aggression?  Saying that team 2 must die is
uncalled for!  I'm canceling your "Congratulations on landing the role of the
Travelocity Roaming Gnome" party!  -- Samwise

Mannequin -- I stand in awe of your performance thus far.  Keep up the good work!
I'm not doing badly, but, in comparison, I'm starting to feel a bit like an anchor.
While that may be a normal feeling for someone such as Soultaker, I don't like it! --

Gee, I guess I need to pay more attention, and send in my personals when I get my
turn in the mail again.  I truly dislike being this inattentive. -- Lord Xiang

Aradi Free Press Editor -- The last award I heard that the Aradi Free Press won was
the William Randolf Hearst Award for Yellow Journalism.  If your paper is so darned
good, why do you give it away for free. -- Snotman (so desperate for good news I've
turned to Farmer boB's rag)

Pauly -- Hmm, summer camp.  Now there's a thought.  I can just imagine the kids now,
"Mommy, mommy, I just got my merit badge in Chicken Clucking!" -- Snotman

a zestified 4000 Blows readership -- Wow, a round of spotlights capable if
disemboweling the readership.  That is zesty! -- Snotman

Shmammy Crockett -- When you are the most popular warrior in all of Aradi, all the
boys want to dance -- Nappy Dugout

Nuln, whose Rick Barry underhand free-throw is pretty rusty at that -- Yeah,
unfortunately I fulfill more the Dennis Rodman role on the basketball court (minus
dyed hair, piercings, tattoos, and Carmen Electra) -- Snotman

Nuln -- And lo, I didst carry your sorry ass this turn -- Snotman

3d -- Ok, I'll stop sending in personal ads where I misspell words intentionally or
write like I'm a 12 year old on IM.  But I reserve the right to call you 3d. --

     I can live with that. -- Ed.
     P.S.  I am, after all, three-dimensional, if not more-dimensional-than-that!

Ganolus -- That's the lovely thing about alcohol.  It kills all the germs, even the
ones that might grow in snotling urine.  So enjoy your Hard Scrooge Cider. -- Snotman

boB -- Pigs are unclean and I don't dine on swine (if you know what I mean).  Now
lady were-goats, that's a whole different ball of wax. -- Wayne King the Goat

Rillion -- So early in the TOGS and you've already given up and winning and settled
for revenge on Ganolus and Hombe?  Darn I was so hoping for another great TOGS
followed by a gruesome choke from you. -- Snotman

Rillion -- Believe me, Snotman Jr is up every couple of hours and that makes it very
hard to concentrate on writing. -- Snotman

Tyvek -- I have seen your work.  There was a house near where I live that had your
tagging on it for years before they finally put on the siding. -- Snotman

TUM -- I thought that all of your bloodgaming would prepare you for arena play.  But
I forgot that you can't challenge in the bloodgames anymore.  And it is much harder
to run warriors when they don't have a 21 wit/will. -- Snotman

LHI -- TUM send me an email in character.  I figured that he was getting a kick out
of role-playing and whereas the spotlights seemed to be more of a chore for you.  But
both of you outlasted DMobster who seems to have worn himself out with a year long
backstabbing -- Snotman

Lady E -- Oh dear.  I tried to make up with 3d this turn.  Hopefully she won't get a
chance to try out any of her new torture techniques on me. -- Snotman
P.S.  Ok, sign me up.  A foot massage and a daiquiri sounds great to me

Lord Xiang & 3d -- I believe that LHI has the new Indimar Stone Cold Nuts (tm).  It's
an insulated nut sack. -- Snotman

     Sorry, I'm not in THAT good a mood. -- Ed.

LHI -- Whered'ya go?  Remember we still need to place in the top 10.  The odds were
pretty long that we'd be able to and I couldn't resist putting a little down on it.
-- TUM

Samwise -- It's like you read my fantasies. -- TUM the randy

Nuln -- If only such things existed.  Forget literature, I'd settle for coherent at
this point.  Don't think I achieved that this time. -- TUM

GNuln -- You've clearly mistaken me for someone with a soul. -- ETUM, *THE* ETUM

Manager -- Couldn't quite bring myself to challenge this time.  I came close, though.
I thought about what styles would be good matches for my warriors.  I didn't come to
any conclusions, but I thought about it. -- TUM

Manager -- I tried to put in five downchallenges this turn, but I was too busy
causing havoc about town. -- ETUM

Lady A -- It's just delusions of scrod grandeur, I suppose. -- TUM

Lady E -- Aw shucks, you're not so bad yourself. -- TUM

LHI -- Here are my guesses:  Manager & LHI, Soultanchor & Death Stud, boB (extensive
animal lovin') & Hombre (leg warmers) -- Snotman

All -- This is the obligatory personal ad. -- LHI

All -- We will win this...yes we will. -- LHI

Rillion -- Well, I've gotta tell you, for about the first 8 or 9 turns, I just
challenge styles and don't pay attention to which manager I'm challenging.  But if
you feel you have a personal vendetta against me now, thank goodness, I could use
some wins. -- Hombre

Macs -- Sure you can get one if you want one. I order Big Macs at Micky D's all the
time.... -- Porn Starr

Heaven -- You're pretty big for a toad. -- Death Sponge

Dr Feelgood -- It is my job as a HOF'er to eliminate poor songwriting whenever I meet
it. -- Clapton

Bin Laden -- You keep messin' with Texas and I'll have to drop a 500 lber on you! --
Sugar Bottoms

nuLn -- i dOn't underStandEth a word you aRe saying=eth. :) -- Mannequin

deathstud -- weLl of cOurse there iS a hiddEn message. are you retaRded?  :) --

Hombre -- I never did have much respect for Kurrgyle.  I mean, Parry-strike isn't the
best style but he could never rise above that.  And he always seemed to hold it
against me that I suggested it. -- Mucous Aurelias

Ganolus -- Sir, thank you for the educational spotlight.  I believe everyone has
learned about the dangers of Rascally Rabbit's hairy posse. -- Snotman

Pandora -- Ahhh ahhhh what I meant was that her ability to help relieve the tension
was very helpful? -- Artimis

Nuln -- I find that talking with you was a great pleasure for me when you had your
"eth" and you were eccentric but now it is just the ramblings of a common madman. --

Manager -- Let's see, the secret to picking a partner to carry me to the winner's
circle.  First I get out all the astrological data, then I go see Madame Cassondra
for a palm reading, next I read the entrails of three chickens and one pig, ahhh then
I open 15 Chinese fortune cookies and last but not least I pick anyone but you. --
P.S.  You have always been my favorite in the BoB.

Ganolus -- Trust me my friend, the only reason I never speak is because I am not
quick enough to respond to all of intelligent gibes thrown my way. -- Soultaker

Ghoti -- Darn the visual of Manager riding on the shoulders of Miles just about
killed me.  Can't you just see Manager's feet and most of his legs dragging in the
dirt?  Miles was the only one I knew that had to jump up to see Death Studs eyes. --

Indimar -- I see you still are making attempts at bathroom humor.  I am proud that
you were able to form your thoughts on to paper.  Now let me give you a few ideas of
what to do with that paper. -- Soultaker

LHI -- Considering the size of Stud, he just might be able to get a small ride on
your tube. -- Soultaker

Lady A -- I have you know that I run my household.  Pandora is my wife. -- Soultaker
(looking over his shoulder)

Ed. -- I for one want to thank you for taking the time to edit my stories into
gleaming works of art.  I am sure that what ever you find to change in my is due to
ignorance not slyness.  Trust me. -- Soultaker

     I'm not buying any bridges from you. -- Ed., who knows all about your sort....

Blue Beanie -- AHA!  Take that and get your booty off to ADM.  That's what you get
for waxing cocky in your DM column and dropping a repeat challenge on me. -- One-

Ed. -- I told Soultaker to get his stuff in earlier last turn, but he never listens
to me. -- Studdy, a pot with a black kettle friend

     *grin* Especially since he beat you to the gate this turn. -- Ed.

Goofy -- That was a witty ad last turn.  Perhaps you could teach some of that to the
Creepster? -- Cobra

Creepster/Manager -- Nice turn and I don't have to tell the two of YOU that patience
pays. -- Death Stud

Aradi Free Press -- Pink Pantaloon award?  I'm hurt.  I knew that I was riding the
line limit fairly close and had been ending segments fairly clumsily, but one of the
two worst?  There are some people shooting for those last spots who will be very
jealous now. -- Death Stud

Pauly, also mgr. of Rio Vistans in Valamantis -- I care! -- Death Stud
P.S.  Hombre taught you everything you know about Duelmasters?  That was apparently a
short lesson.  When is the next one?

Nuln -- I think you have it backwards.  The talking animals of Aradi have a soft spot
for YOU, if you know what I mean *wink, wink*. -- Death Stud

Pauly -- Indimar wears tank tops all year round?  I thought those kind of tank tops
were called "wife beaters."  I've seen them on episodes of Cops. -- Death Stud

Nuln -- I think he put the whoopin' stick to the both of us.  I am proud to have been
ashamed along with you, if that is possible. -- Death Stud

Nuln, Ed. -- I thought it was pronounced "Zang."  I hope that we are illuminated this
turn. -- an anxiously waiting Stud of the Death variety

     Zang sounds like the evil emperor whose plans of world domination need to be
     foiled.  Does that fit? -- Ed.

Nuln -- Yeah, snarf was an original from the family.  I asked what a whore was and
was told that a whore is a prostitute.  Well, what's a prostitute?  Um, a prostitute
is a snarf.  Well, what is a snarf?  (You may not believe this, but I was a
persistent child.)  That's when I came to find out that a snarf is a person who farts
in the bathtub and bites the bubbles.  That true story glimpse into my childhood may
give you some insight into my warped world.  And I owe it all to my dear, sweet,
demented mother. -- Death Stud
P.S.  Thunder...Thunder...Thundercats, HO!

Nuln -- Notice how every turn Manager figures out how to weasel in a reference to
having won the TOGS back in the Dark Ages no matter what the original conversation
was about?  The conversation starts, "Manager, I really like popcorn."  His response,
"Yeah, they served popcorn in the stands when I won TOGS I."  Or, "Manager, should we
go to the park?" and he responds "Park rhymes with dark, just like my heart.  Hey,
did you know that I won TOGS I?"  Obsessive. -- Death Stud

Manager -- You're right about the challenges from the FONZ members, but it's my
fault.  I told them that if they weren't really sure about a challenge that it was
much safer to be giving wins to a team already out of the race than helping one of
the teams in the running. -- Death Stud

Nuln -- Second most TOGS wins in history.  Darn, you go boy. -- Death Stud

Farmer boB -- The downchallenge was necessary because of where Falcon was ranked, but
as I said, I don't feel good about the kill and can understand Mission being a little
bitter about it. -- Death Stud

Dubya -- All things being considered, removing the both of us would definitely be a
net sum gain for the world. -- Viper

TUM -- Glad to hear that they'll be put to good use.  Another one I thought of is A
RIPOSTES?  ANOTHER PRIMUS TC (OK, that was wrong of me to say).  Actually, I think
that I could use that last one. -- Death Stud, always helping

Hombre -- Yes, Soult-Anchor needs to pick up a little steam but Death Studs VII = 16-
4 through the first 4 turns.  Well, that and being the scorekeeper.... -- Death Stud

Lady A -- If a woman wants a man to admit that she might be right (when she clearly
isn't), she should try asking when she's naked.  A man will say anything she wants to
hear at that point. -- Death Stud

Ed. -- No, no, you do an excellent job of trying to maintain the fine line between
allowing us some freedom and keeping things from spinning wildly out of control.
Occasionally someone will get miffed, but it is well worth it for the leeway we
generally enjoy.  And I am REALLY sorry for being even more ridiculously late than
ever this turn.  We did wallpaper, paint, and recarpet and I changed jobs in the last
two weeks, though. -- Death Stud, with nothing but excuses, albeit good ones

     I try.  I was just having a bad day last time around and was almost to the point
     of editing everything, just on general principles.  I'm in a better mood today,
     luckily for y'all. -- Ed.
     P.S.  Sounds like you've been busy!

Mission -- I am honored to be the recipient of your sole personal ad, but not as
honored by that part where you wished death upon me.  Miss Understood's death may not

be a total loss if it pisses you off enough to write a spotlight over 31 lines,
though.  That would be a total win/win because we'd get more to read from you and you
would get your five points.  Bring it on, chippy! -- Death Stud

In Pari Delicto -- Darnit, besides matching up outside the TOGS, I just changed my
strategy to one not suited to beating you.  Next time we fight, please lose, K?
Thanks. -- Hurricane

All -- Sorry to not respond this cycle.  Life got just a little too busy.  I'll catch
up next cycle--I hope! -- Lady A-Sop

Lady POTPL -- No matter what Soultaker may squeal out to you during a headlock, all
rubbings done by myself are always legal and above board and waist.  *grin* -- Lady E

Chim Richalds MD (Manic Delusional) -- Your turn will come and hopefully by my five
fingered hands. -- Inigo, honing his sword with great anticipation

Chim Richalds MD (Manually Destroyed) -- One more turn, let's do that again.  I
couldn't care less if you have six or seven fingers on your left hand. You still
couldn't kill a houseplant!-- Manda

Spam Sandwich -- Oh, sheesh.  I bet I know which one of your stats is in the high
range. -- Inigo, wincing in pain

Phreak -- And I know where your attack location is.  Ouch! -- Analise

Cepl -- Well, that was short and sour. -- Thalia

Liquid Doom --  Thanks. That was fun.  I wish I could keep this up. -- Natalia

Manager -- I loved your Encyclopedia Manager. -- Lady E

All -- I liked all the stories.  It was nice reading during my island vacation. --
Lady E

Nuln -- Phone Tag!  You're it! -- Lady E

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

LIQUID DOOM was butchered by BORED ELF in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
WINDOW DUMMY was viciously butchered by GARGOYLE PRINCE in a 2 minute Dark Arena duel.
BANANAS was put to death by STONE GOLEM in a 2 minute gory Dark Arena match.
SHORT TIMER was slaughtered by MARINE TROLL in a 1 minute bloody Dark Arena brawl.
NOT QUITE ETH was assassinated by MARINE TROLL in a 1 minute brutal Dark Arena fight.
NAPPY DUGOUT devastated GREEN DISEASE in a 1 minute uneven Bloodfeud brawl.
ANALISE savagely defeated CHIM RICHALDS in a 4 minute brutal Bloodfeud struggle.
G DUBYAH devastated SUGAR BOTTOMS in a 1 minute one-sided Bloodfeud competition.
FALOPIAN handily defeated GRAFFIX in a 1 minute uneven Bloodfeud melee.
ZIG-ZAG MAN was vanquished by FALCON XLI in a 1 minute one-sided Bloodfeud duel.
NIGHT HAG unbelievably bested SQUIGGNERD in a popular 8 minute gory Bloodfeud duel.
ETTIN beat HYQ in a popular 1 minute Bloodfeud melee.
PANTHER overpowered HOLLY SKULL in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge match.
CLAPTON devastated JAMIS in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge conflict.
PINTO BEANS luckily beat MANDA in a crowd pleasing 3 minute gory Challenge match.
RUKGAZ handily defeated VAS DEFERENS in a 2 minute one-sided Challenge conflict.
BLUE BEANIE bested MOUSE in a 2 minute expert's Challenge duel.
TINY TIM was narrowly defeated by ONE-TIMER in a 41 minute Challenge Title brawl.
TAY STARLE was defeated by STORM in a exciting 3 minute veteran's Challenge bout.
VOLMAX savagely defeated WARAGEN in a 3 minute veteran's Challenge match.
HURRICANE XXXVII butchered OXYGEN TANK in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
BLOODLUST MUTE savagely defeated BUTTERFLY in a 6 minute gruesome Challenge bout.
PHREAK was vanquished by JIM PANZI in a 1 minute gory mismatched Challenge fray.
INIGO was demolished by SPAM SANDWICH in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
TYVEK lost to PIZNAUL JIZNOKE in a popular 1 minute Challenge match.
SILENT SPOCKER vanquished HOSCHA in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
MYSTERY was demolished by SYDA HAMMIE in a 2 minute one-sided Challenge melee.
B.C. GOLD was overcome by VIPER LXXI in a 1 minute Challenge bout.
OSO viciously subdued DE NOVO in a popular 3 minute gory Challenge bout.
BIN LADEN was vanquished by SIGMOID COLON in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fray.
ZEROSE was demolished by NINJA in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
GOOFY savagely defeated RACOON HAMMER in a popular 8 minute gruesome Challenge bout.
F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE demolished THALIA in a popular 1 minute uneven Challenge contest.
SMALL INTESTINE slimly won victory over CEPL in a exciting 4 minute Challenge battle.
TIGER TY was beaten by ANTHRAX in a popular 2 minute brutal Challenge fray.
KRAKEN demolished THE LBA in a action packed 1 minute one-sided Challenge conflict.
BOSTON TERRIER overpowered MEALS ON WHEELS in a 1 minute gory uneven Challenge bout.
ASGARD was unbelievably bested by CONDI in a crowd pleasing 1 minute Challenge match.
MARY JANE vanquished YELLOW JACKET in a 2 minute one-sided Challenge match.
PORN STARR was murdered by CIALIS in a 1 minute uneven Challenge duel.
KREE viciously subdued FRANK in a crowd pleasing 3 minute gruesome Challenge match.
NUTCRACKER was handily defeated by LOOSE DENTURES in a 1 minute Challenge fight.
ASHI was overpowered by MACS in a 8 minute uneven Challenge competition.
BRAE'TAC outlasted FLAMENCO A GO-GO in a monotonous 17 minute Challenge fight.
DEATH FONZ defeated 9000 in a 4 minute gory novice's Challenge duel.
BIG DEAL slimly lost to MADONNA in a 2 minute bloody Challenge bout.
WHISTLE PIG won victory over PESMERGA in a 2 minute novice's Challenge match.
AQUA NETTA overcame STARLING in a exciting 2 minute Challenge bout.
ANNIE MULL was demolished by HOWLER in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
SPINACH handily defeated WHITE WITCH in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge contest.
ROXX bested NINE HUNDRED in a 3 minute novice's Challenge battle.
PINK was bested by COYOTE in a crowd pleasing 1 minute Challenge fight.
DERALD demolished IN PARI DELICTO in a 1 minute mismatched battle.
SMIRLIN devastated SHMAMY CROCKETT in a 1 minute one-sided bout.
SEHENSTES vanquished LEG WARMER LUST in a popular 1 minute bloody one-sided struggle.
DERRIN was unbelievably bested by VENREK in a exciting 12 minute brutal contest.
COBRA XXI was luckily beaten by SNOW WHITE in a exciting 12 minute bloody duel.
LIMA BEANS was outlasted by HOLSTIEN HEAVEN in a tiring 23 minute bloody conflict.
MALT-O-MEAL overpowered NATALIA in a 1 minute mismatched bout.
JACK THE RIPPER luckily beat HYDRO ON THE D-LO in a crowd boring 13 minute gory duel.
SUNSHINE overpowered VISITING ORC in a 2 minute gruesome one-sided fight.
STORM FIRE was unbelievably bested by THE HONEST MERCHANT in a 2 minute match.
DR. FEELGOOD subdued SUTTY in a action packed 4 minute battle.
KARMA CHAMELEON was overpowered by HURTICANE in a 1 minute brutal mismatched fight.
SONETT dispatched NULN'S NUTSACK in a exciting 1 minute veteran vs. novice contest.
HARSIESUS was beaten by JAVA in a popular 1 minute fight.
FUN IN THE BARN was overpowered by WALMART GREETER in a 1 minute uneven brawl.
DERS was bested by ERRA EVAD in a crowd pleasing 1 minute match.
DEATH SPONGE subdued HAMBURGER HELPER in a 2 minute match.
THE AVENGING SCROD vanquished BIG POPPA in a 1 minute one-sided brawl.
TYVIN LXIX assassinated YUBER in a 1 minute uneven fight.
PRIVATE PARTS handily defeated CELA'S in a 1 minute mismatched match.
DOA won victory over RICKON in a 1 minute beginner's match.
ONE HOT BABE was overpowered by URETHRA in a exciting 1 minute mismatched bout.
DAYNE overcame MORPHINE in a exciting 1 minute beginner's conflict.
HOFFA luckily beat FOSKIE in a unpopular 12 minute brutal novice's contest.
RESPECT THE PACKAGE subdued MAGMA in a 1 minute beginner's fight.
3D'S NOT L33T assassinated LOS ABE'S in a 1 minute uneven match.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|LUNGING ATTACK                  31         TOTAL PARRY      129 - 101 -  1      56  |
|TOTAL PARRY                     30         LUNGING ATTACK   141 - 128 - 15      52  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                 28         AIMED BLOW        77 -  76 -  3      50  |
|AIMED BLOW                      19         WALL OF STEEL     47 -  59 -  6      44  |
|WALL OF STEEL                   11         PARRY-LUNGE       12 -  16 -  0      43  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                 11         STRIKING ATTACK   88 - 122 -  8      42  |
|BASHING ATTACK                  11         PARRY-STRIKE      10 -  14 -  0      42  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      4         SLASHING ATTACK   52 -  73 -  2      42  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     2         BASHING ATTACK    26 -  52 -  2      33  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    2         PARRY-RIPOSTE     11 -  28 -  0      28  |

Turn 392 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

PARRY-STRIKE       2 -  0     STRIKING ATTACK   13 - 15         3  TOTAL PARRY    
PARRY-RIPOSTE      2 -  0     WALL OF STEEL      5 -  6         3  LUNGING ATTACK 
AIMED BLOW        12 -  7     SLASHING ATTACK    3 -  8         1  AIMED BLOW     
LUNGING ATTACK    16 - 15     BASHING ATTACK     3 -  8         1  SLASHING ATTACK
TOTAL PARRY       15 - 15     PARRY-LUNGE        1 -  3         1  BASHING ATTACK 
                                                                1  STRIKING ATTACK
                                                                1  PARRY-STRIKE   

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
TOTAL PARRY      ONE-TIMER 7169             30   6  0  113 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
LUNGING ATTACK   FALCON XLI 7341            14  10  3  174 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
AIMED BLOW       DERALD 7285                12   7  0  120 4000 BLOWS (107)
SLASHING ATTACK  SMIRLIN 6568               18  14  0  106 OGRES ARE US (270)
BASHING ATTACK   VOLMAX 7592                 5   2  0  104 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
STRIKING ATTACK  SEHENSTES 7339             14  11  2   99 VOUGEOOT (464)
PARRY-STRIKE     JIM PANZI 7382              9   6  0   89 FUNKY FOLK (565)
WALL OF STEEL    STORM 4741                 12   7  0   87 ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
PARRY-RIPOSTE    F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE 7639     5   4  0   42 THE BIZZLE (593)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is NAPPY DUGOUT 6080.  The most popular warrior this 
turn was DERRIN 6952.  The ten other most popular fighters were SQUIGGNERD 7694, 
GOOFY 7488, COBRA XXI 7725, VOLMAX 7592, CEPL 6666, SUTTY 7685, TAY STARLE 6808, MACS 
7797, MANDA 7546, and OSO 7682.

The least popular fighter this week was TINY TIM 6042.  The other ten least popular 
7662, BRAE'TAC 6895, JACK THE RIPPER 7487, HYDRO ON THE D-LO 7642, HOFFA 7713, ASHI 
7802, and SNOW WHITE 7486.

The following warriors will travel to AD after next turn:


The following warriors have traveled to AD after fighting this turn:


                  MAIL-IN TOURNEY XLI

PRIMUS TOURNEY                         W  L  K         TEAM NAME            
RED HOOK 1596 (177-130-5)              1  4  0         EYE OF THE NEEDLE    

CONTENDERS TOURNEY                     W  L  K         TEAM NAME            
YUCKY 4792 (43-52-2)                   3  3  0         BLOOD RELATED        
BLUE MEANIE 4814 (41-26-0)             2  3  0         THIEVES GUILD        
NEPTUNE 3433 (98-62-1)                 2  3  0         THE FORSAKEN         
SACTO 6017 (40-24-1)                   2  3  0         BLOOD RELATED        

ELIGIBLES TOURNEY                      W  L  K         TEAM NAME            
SLANT EDISON 2598 (53-21-1)            7  3  0         MY ROCK BAND         
PIVOT 4811 (31-14-1)                   3  3  0         THIEVES GUILD        
EARTHQUAKE 1468 (112-66-1)             2  3  0         NATURAL DISASTERS    

ADM TOURNEY                            W  L  K         TEAM NAME            
ALFALFA BIRD 3283 (69-45-0)            7  3  0         SUPERIOR FORCES II   
WETBOX 5229 (23-15-2)                  7  3  0         BOXES                

FRESHMEN TOURNEY                       W  L  K         TEAM NAME            
BLOODLUST CCVI 3676 (26-17-0)          3  3  0         DEATH STUDS VII      
BRUSHFIRE 7168 (30-13-0)               1  3  0         NATURAL DISASTERS    

CHALLENGERS TOURNEY                    W  L  K         TEAM NAME            
HOLLY SKULL 7276 (15-12-0)             1  3  0         CHEER-O-KEE'S        

CHAMPIONS TOURNEY                      W  L  K         TEAM NAME            
SMIRLIN 6568 (14-13-0)                 4  3  0         OGRES ARE US         
WILLOW 6659 (7-4-1)                    1  3  0         DARK TOGS            

ADEPTS TOURNEY                         W  L  K         TEAM NAME            
HURRICANE XXXVII 7379 (7-7-1)          6  3  0         DEATH STUDS VII      
PANTHER 7320 (7-7-1)                   5  3  0         SILENT WARRIORS      
ANASTASIUS 6839 (6-2-2)                4  3  0         DARQUE AGES          
HYQ 7388 (7-9-1)                       4  3  0         VOUGEOOT             
SNOW WHITE 7486 (6-3-0)                4  3  0         CRAZY CREEPS         
BUTTERFLY 7338 (11-3-0)                2  3  0         CHEER-O-KEE'S        
ENOCH PEABODY 7325 (9-7-0)             2  3  0         THIEVES GUILD        
TINY TIM 6042 (9-1-0)                  2  3  0         CRAZY CREEPS         

INITIATES TOURNEY                      W  L  K         TEAM NAME            
MALT-O-MEAL 7527 (4-0-1)              13  2  0         CHILDHOOD TRAUMA     
PINTO BEANS 7531 (3-4-0)              11  3  0         CHILDHOOD TRAUMA     
G DUBYAH 7611 (2-3-0)                  9  3  0         DILLIGAF LEGION      
PIZNAUL JIZNOKE 7641 (3-1-1)           7  3  1         THE BIZZLE           
SUNSHINE 7593 (2-1-0)                  5  3  0         SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 
CHIM RICHALDS 7491 (1-7-0)             3  3  0         4000 BLOWS           
VAS DEFERENS 7534 (6-0-0)              3  3  0         GOIN' TUBIN'         
VENREK 7477 (4-2-0)                    3  3  0         DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 
EUSTACHIAN 7499 (3-2-0)                2  3  0         GOIN' TUBIN'         
MANDA 7546 (6-2-1)                     2  3  0         ARADI RESORT & SPA   
TYVEK 7478 (2-0-0)                     2  3  0         DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 
CLINTON 7612 (2-3-0)                   1  3  0         DILLIGAF LEGION      

APPRENTICES TOURNEY                    W  L  K         TEAM NAME            
LIVER 7525 (0-0-0)                    12  3  0         CHILDHOOD TRAUMA     
OXYGEN TANK 7574 (3-1-0)               8  3  0         AARP                 
LEAES 7596 (0-2-0)                     5  2  0  DEAD   SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 
ATALAN 7656 (0-1-0)                    6  3  0         PHILANTHROPISTS      
STORM FIRE 7597 (0-0-0)                6  3  0         SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 
FUN IN THE BARN 7673 (3-0-0)           5  3  0         CHEER-O-KEE'S        
KARMA CHAMELEON 7636 (3-1-1)           5  3  1         ATLAS PARK           
SIGMOID COLON 7533 (1-1-0)             5  3  0         GOIN' TUBIN'         
SUTTY 7685 (2-1-0)                     5  3  0         THE BUNKHOUSE        
HILLARY 7647 (1-3-0)                   4  3  0         DILLIGAF LEGION      
HOLSTIEN HEAVEN 7674 (1-2-0)           4  3  0         CHEER-O-KEE'S        
LOOSE DENTURES 7573 (1-3-0)            4  3  0         AARP                 
NIGHT HAG 7598 (4-0-0)                 4  3  0         DILEN'S HORDE        
THE AVENGING SCROD 7649 (1-0-1)        4  3  0         4000 BLOWS           
BIN LADEN 7646 (3-1-0)                 3  3  0         DILLIGAF LEGION      
DEVOURER 7601 (3-1-0)                  3  3  0         DILEN'S HORDE        
NATASHA 7620 (3-1-0)                   3  3  0         ARADI RESORT & SPA   
TEMPLAR 7622 (0-2-0)                   3  3  0         DARK TOADS           
WHITE WITCH 7542 (3-1-0)               3  3  0         CRAZY CREEPS         
FLESH FOR FANTASY 7660 (3-0-0)         2  2  0  DEAD   ATLAS PARK           
DIVINITY 7624 (0-2-0)                  2  3  0  DEAD   DARK TOADS           
KRAKEN 7679 (0-3-0)                    2  3  0         DILEN'S HORDE        
MEALS ON WHEELS 7575 (1-3-0)           2  3  0         AARP                 
BLOODLUST MUTE 7701 (1-1-0)            1  3  0         SILENT WARRIORS      
CRUSADER 7625 (0-2-0)                  1  3  0         DARK TOADS           
ETTIN 7600 (2-2-0)                     1  3  0         DILEN'S HORDE        
FLAMENCO A GO-GO 7662 (2-1-0)          1  3  0         ATLAS PARK           
URBAN II 7174 (2-2-0)                  1  3  0         DARQUE AGES          
RLIN AT 7562 (1-2-0)                   0  1  0  DEAD   VOUGEOOT             

ROOKIES TOURNEY                        W  L  K         TEAM NAME            
CLAPTON 7691 (0-0-0)                  15  2  0         BIKINI BOTTOM        
MVP 7705 (0-0-0)                       2  1  0  DEAD   SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 
DEATH SPONGE 7692 (0-0-0)              5  3  0         BIKINI BOTTOM        
GREEN DISEASE 7718 (0-0-0)             4  3  0         MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4  
HEAVEN 7735 (0-0-0)                    4  3  0         DARK TOADS           
HYPODERMIL 7696 (0-0-0)                4  3  0  DEAD   MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4  
BOTOX 6376 (0-0-0)                     3  3  0         WORDS THAT ENDIN X   
QUARTERLY PROPHET 7739 (0-0-0)         1  1  0  DEAD   LAST INTERNATIONAL   
CANSAVE LAME 6869 (0-0-0)              2  3  0         INQUISITION SG-1     
PORN STARR 7693 (0-0-0)                2  3  0         BIKINI BOTTOM        
TRINITY 7734 (0-0-0)                   2  3  0         DARK TOADS           
SLEDGE 7731 (0-0-0)                    1  2  0  DEAD   WRECKING CREW        
ANTHRAX 7669 (0-0-0)                   1  3  0         MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4  
ZEROSE 7741 (0-0-0)                    1  3  0         SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 

ELIGIBLES FOOLS TOURNEY                W  L  K         TEAM NAME            
CHIP 4413 (14-15-1)                    0  3  0         RESCUE RANGERS       

ADM FOOLS TOURNEY                      W  L  K         TEAM NAME            
DOONEUSHMUN 5949 (19-9-1)              1  3  0         VOUGEOOT             
INSURRECTION 5607 (9-9-0)              1  3  0         BLADES OF DESTINY    
PLASMA DESIRE 3080 (18-8-0)            0  3  0         OGRES ARE US         

CHALLENGERS FOOL TOURNEY               W  L  K         TEAM NAME            
HEADROCK 3430 (19-20-0)                1  3  0         OGRES ARE US         
BLUE BEANIE 6461 (16-15-1)             0  3  0         DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 

CHAMPIONS FOOLS TOURNEY                W  L  K         TEAM NAME            
VOLMAX 7592 (2-0-0)                    4  3  1         MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4  
SHMAMY CROCKETT 7216 (10-4-0)          2  3  0         4000 BLOWS           
SYDA HAMMIE 6667 (13-7-0)              0  3  0         OGRES ARE US         

ADEPTS FOOLS TOURNEY                   W  L  K         TEAM NAME            
ANALISE 7544 (6-2-0)                   1  3  0         ARADI RESORT & SPA   
HOSCHA 6835 (8-6-0)                    1  3  0         OGRES ARE US         
INIGO 7545 (5-3-0)                     0  3  0         ARADI RESORT & SPA   
MOUSE 7318 (5-10-0)                    0  3  0         SILENT WARRIORS      

INITIATES FOOLS TOURNEY                W  L  K         TEAM NAME            
FALOPIAN 7498 (1-2-0)                  4  3  1         GOIN' TUBIN'         
THALIA 7547 (4-4-0)                    3  3  0         ARADI RESORT & SPA   
LIMA BEANS 7530 (5-1-0)                2  3  0         CHILDHOOD TRAUMA     
VIPER LXXI 7566 (2-3-0)                2  3  0         DEATH STUDS VII      
GOOFY 7488 (3-6-0)                     1  3  0         CRAZY CREEPS         
JACK THE RIPPER 7487 (4-3-0)           1  3  0         CRAZY CREEPS         
LOUKMAD 7042 (2-5-0)                   0  3  0         OGRES ARE US         
NINJA 7357 (5-3-0)                     0  3  0         SILENT WARRIORS      
SMALL INTESTINE 7535 (3-5-0)           0  3  0         GOIN' TUBIN'         
SPAM SANDWICH 7524 (2-2-0)             0  3  0         CHILDHOOD TRAUMA     

APPRENTICES FOOL TOURNEY               W  L  K         TEAM NAME            
BOVINE ASSASIAN 7672 (0-3-0)           2  3  0         CHEER-O-KEE'S        
DERS 7683 (1-2-0)                      1  3  0         THE BUNKHOUSE        
HOWLER 7602 (1-3-0)                    1  3  0         DILEN'S HORDE        
WALMART GREETER 7576 (2-2-0)           1  3  0         AARP                 
CIALIS 7659 (3-0-0)                    0  3  0         AARP                 
CONDI 7613 (0-0-0)                     0  3  0         DILLIGAF LEGION      
OSO 7682 (1-2-0)                       0  3  0         THE BUNKHOUSE        
SILENT SPOCKER 7700 (1-1-0)            0  3  0         SILENT WARRIORS      
WILSON FERGUSON 7686 (2-1-0)           0  3  0         THE BUNKHOUSE        

ROOKIES FOOLS TOURNEY                  W  L  K         TEAM NAME            
DRAVENDER 7655 (0-0-0)                 4  3  0         PHILANTHROPISTS      
COBRA XXI 7725 (0-0-0)                 3  3  0         DEATH STUDS VII      
SUGAR BOTTOMS 7690 (0-0-0)             2  3  2         BIKINI BOTTOM        
KREE 6870 (0-0-0)                      1  3  0         INQUISITION SG-1     
TYVIN LXIX 7648 (0-0-0)                1  3  0         DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 
ASGARD 6892 (0-0-0)                    0  3  0         INQUISITION SG-1     
CLOOTAN 7654 (0-0-0)                   0  3  0         PHILANTHROPISTS      
SQUIGGNERD 7694 (0-0-0)                0  3  0         BIKINI BOTTOM