DUEL 2 NEWSLETTER
Date : 06/30/2006 Duedate: 07/13/2006
ARADI ARENA
DM-60 TURN-393
This Weeks Top Honors
THE DUELMASTER IS
ONE-TIMER
DEATH STUDS VII (301)
(60-7169) [31-6-0,120]
Chartered Recognition Leader Unchartered Recognition Leader
DERALD JAVA
4000 BLOWS (107) THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
(60-7285) [13-7-0,132] (60-7779) [5-1-0,53]
Popularity Leader This Weeks Favorite
NAPPY DUGOUT PIZNAUL JIZNOKE
WILD CARDS (148) THE BIZZLE (593)
(60-6080) [24-27-1,100] (60-7641) [6-4-1,44]
THE CURRENT TOP TEAM
DEATH STUDS VII (301)
TEAMS ON THE MOVE TOP CAREER HONORS
Team Name Point Gain Chartered Team
1. DEATH STUDS VII (301) 54
2. VOUGEOOT (464) 49 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
3. CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) 44 Unchartered Team
4. 4000 BLOWS (107) 44
5. AARP (583) 35 BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
The Top Teams
Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K
1/ 1*BIKINI BOTTOM (596) 21 9 4 70.0 1/ 1 DEATH STUDS VII (301) 13 2 1
2/ 2 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) 35 18 1 66.0 2/ 4 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) 12 3 0
3/ 3 SAAB STORY (389) 128 97 10 56.9 3/12 WILD CARDS (148) 10 5 1
4/ 5 DEATH STUDS VII (301) 448 362 15 55.3 4/20 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591) 9 6 2
5/ 6 CRAZY CREEPS (207) 511 431 15 54.2 5/ 2*BIKINI BOTTOM (596) 9 6 1
6/ 4*INQUISITION SG-1 (540) 15 13 1 53.6 6/ 9 SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586) 9 6 1
7/ 8 WILD CARDS (148) 746 670 31 52.7 7/13 CRAZY CREEPS (207) 9 6 0
8/11 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 189 181 13 51.1 8/ 7 SILENT WARRIORS (561) 9 6 0
9/13 AARP (583) 25 24 2 51.0 9/16*THINGS ILL NEVER G (601) 8 6 0
10/10 SILENT WARRIORS (561) 52 50 3 51.0 10/15 DILEN'S HORDE (587) 8 7 1
11/12 GOIN' TUBIN' (577) 126 124 6 50.4 11/ 6 ATLAS PARK (592) 8 7 0
12/ 7 ATLAS PARK (592) 26 26 1 50.0 12/10 VOUGEOOT (464) 8 7 0
13/ 9 ARADI RESORT & SPA (580) 33 35 1 48.5 13/ 3 CHEER-O-KEE'S (557) 8 7 0
14/29*THINGS ILL NEVER G (601) 14 15 0 48.3 14/14 4000 BLOWS (107) 8 7 0
15/14 CHEER-O-KEE'S (557) 89 96 3 48.1 15/19 AARP (583) 7 7 2
16/16 4000 BLOWS (107) 632 686 30 48.0 16/28 DILLIGAF LEGION (589) 7 7 1
17/15 OGRES ARE US (270) 160 177 2 47.5 17/25 SAAB STORY (389) 7 8 1
18/17 WING HOVE (529) 59 66 3 47.2 18/17 OGRES ARE US (270) 7 8 0
Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K
19/25 DILEN'S HORDE (587) 23 27 2 46.0 19/26 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 6 9 1
20/18 THE BIZZLE (593) 22 26 3 45.8 20/ 5 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD (585) 6 9 1
21/27 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591) 24 29 4 45.3 21/11 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 6 9 1
22/22 LEGALESE (449) 150 183 5 45.0 22/23 THE BIZZLE (593) 6 9 1
23/23 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 47 58 2 44.8 23/ 8 GOIN' TUBIN' (577) 6 9 0
24/24*THE BUNKHOUSE (595) 20 25 0 44.4 24/18*THE BUNKHOUSE (595) 6 9 0
25/26 VOUGEOOT (464) 83 105 8 44.1 25/21 WING HOVE (529) 5 10 0
26/21 THE MISGUIDED (559) 76 97 0 43.9 26/24*INQUISITION SG-1 (540) 4 6 0
27/30 SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586) 17 22 1 43.6 27/22 ELEMENTS OF POWER (390) 4 11 0
28/20 ELEMENTS OF POWER (390) 35 46 1 43.2 28/31 LEGALESE (449) 3 3 0
29/31 DILLIGAF LEGION (589) 19 28 1 40.4 29/30 FUNKY FOLK (565) 3 5 0
30/28 FUNKY FOLK (565) 31 46 3 40.3 30/27 ARADI RESORT & SPA (580) 3 12 0
31/32 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD (585) 13 26 2 33.3 31/29 THE MISGUIDED (559) 2 13 0
32/ 0*WORDS THAT ENDIN X (507) 1 2 0 33.3 32/ 0*WORDS THAT ENDIN X (507) 1 2 0
33-33*DARK TOADS (590) 7 17 0 29.2 33-33*WRECKING CREW (598) 1 4 0
34-34*WRECKING CREW (598) 3 9 0 25.0 34-32*DARK TOADS (590) 0 4 0
'*' Unchartered team '-' Team did not fight this turn
(###) Avoid teams by their Team Id ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank
TEAM SPOTLIGHT
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
The day was delightfully sunny, after several weeks of rain, and, allowing for
the brisk wind off the sea, it was unseasonably warm. In short, it was a perfect day
for the event. After all, not many managers get to celebrate one thousand victories
in a single arena, never mind on a single team! Yet that is exactly what Consortium
manager Mino has done in Aruak City. Granted, that team's charter was not originally
from the Aruaki arena, but the charter has an unblemished history, unbroken
achievements since moving to their new home once their previous location closed down.
And it is certainly because the Consortium is so popular that so many managers are in
attendance. Even long retired managers have come forth to pay their respects.
Heading up the list of attendees is, of course, Mino himself, followed by fellow
Consortiumites Kennelworth, Purple People Eater, Fandil, Lady Fern, J.D. Rockefeller,
Amy A. Airhead, Jewel Thief, Senator Bob Dole, The Creepster, Vet, Oz, Coach,
Wordsmith, Pretty Pandora, Sweetie Pie, Midas, and the list goes on and on, just for
The Consortium! In attendance for non-Consortium managers, there are literally
thousands present! As a matter of fact, the arena itself is being used just for the
seating capacity!!
Manager, Hombre, Death Stud, and the Sentinel all arrived in the same carriage,
followed by Soultaker, Aragorn, Lady Elysian, and A-Sop in the next carriage. Lord
Xiang, Dameon Darkheart, Seraphim, and JGW all arrive by jitneys (courtesy of Lord
Xiang). Adie and Tankesh arrive together, and walk in chatting amiably with the
members from Amicitia Primoris. The majority of the LBA, headed by One-Armed Bandit,
arrive as a group, as do all of BOB. This is seaming to be the gala event of the
year! Could that be? No, he's been retired for eons! YES!! Getting out of the
next cab is Doc LeGrande! He rode in with Doc Steele and Guardian. They are all
chatting amiably enough, and the rest of the Legion is following right behind Doc
Steele in the next carriage. Whoa! Well, it figures, really. Right behind the
Legion by a mere fraction of a second comes DOOMcorps in its entirety.
There is also on the guest list members of the Commission: Green Eyes, Ed.,
Temp. Ed., the Scribe, and all the rest. It seems that NOBODY that has ever been
associated with the gladiatorial games has been left off the guest list, regardless
of status, or accomplishments, nor did any seem to have refused to attend, either.
In the center of the arena floor stands a covered object, about the size and
shape of a larger-than-life statue, with a HUGE cake next to it. Indeed, that cake
looks large enough to give everyone in the gladiatorial community at LEAST one slice!
The acoustics of the arena are actually working against the orchestra's best efforts,
drowning out the five hundred-piece ensemble. All goes quiet, however, when one
person steps up on the central stage.
Lord Xiang was dressed in one of his long mandarin gowns. Long and simple with
two wide sleeves, it was red silk with a black waist 'belt', really a strip of
elegant cloth wrapped around his waist. The gown was woven with gold silk,
embroidered in patterns of eastern dragons winding their way around his body. He
wore silk two toe slip socks and strongly carved wooden sandals.
"My friends. My enemies. My peers. We have come together this fine day to pay
homage to one of our greatest contemporaries: Mino! Each of us has, in our own way,
competed against this mighty manager. If not Mino, then certainly one of his
compatriots in The Consortium. Each of us has benefited from their combined wisdom.
Even the Gladiatorial Commission is present today to honor this manager. I now give
you, MINO!!"
The stands go wild cheering this immensely popular and well-known manager. The
entire quarter of the arena seating assigned to The Consortium goes on their feet!
Stomping, screaming, clapping...even doing "The Wave!" The other three-quarters,
almost seventy-five hundred strong, just applaud, some more lively than others.
DOOMcorps is pacing their efforts, it seems, with one perfectly timed clap amongst
themselves every three seconds. Mannequin and Soultaker are the only two managers
outside the Consortium's section who are doing the wave. What makes it so humorous
is that they are several hundred feet apart, watching each other to make sure it's
timed right!
"Mino, this lever controls the mechanism that will unveil your award. In
addition to this award, you are hereby granted a lifetime supply of Scrod Lattes from
Scrodbucks! Whenever you are ready, my friend."
Mino reaches forward and pulls the lever, and there is this blinding flash of
light, and then....
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Ahringol looks around, his domain suddenly crowded with many thousands of dead
gladiatorial warriors, managers, and Commission members. In a deep, booming voice,
he says:
"Let me guess! There's a TOGS going on, and somebody finally figured out how to
kill EVERYONE that has even ever heard of TOGS."
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Ask Manager ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Some of you may know this already--but I am a former TOGS Champion. As such, I
am always getting hundreds of letters with questions and fan mail every week!
Whether it's helping Samwise's secret plan to dominate Primus 10 years from now
(while pretending he isn't) or telling a BOB member that they can't join my alliance,
I just have more mail than I can possibly answer!
That's why I've decided to start this new column, "Ask Manager". It's just a
chance for me to give back to everyone and answer more of the mail that I usually
ignore and just toss in the garbage.
Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
***********
Dear Manager,
My TOGS partner is pathetic. He is always dragging our team down with his 1-4
and 0-5 turns. How do I get the message through to him that he is absolutely
worthless and his streak of bad turns can't possibly continue? -- Life Stud
Dear "Life Stud",
Unfortunately, there is no nice way to tell your partner that he is a big loser.
The best thing to do is to send him a subtle message. You can do this by performing
even worse than he is! When he goes 1-4, you go 0-5. When he goes 0-5, you go 0-5
with a death! Sooner or later, he'll be the one confronting you and then both of you
can promise to improve your play together. -- Manager
Dear Manager,
Why does it hurt when I sit down? -- Granola Mapleleaf
Dear Granola,
You should never attach your nut sack to your buttocks! Not only will it hurt
when you sit down, but from a distance, it will make your butt look too big.
Similarly, don't attach wear your nut sack to the left or right either. It will
either make you look fat, or appear as if a large, cancerous growth is protruding
from your side. -- Manager
Dear Manager,
I'm worried about my TOGS partner. All he ever does is read the old runner-up
fights of his warrior "Won Too Many". I get reminded of his Runner-Up attempts at
every turn. I've spoken to a therapist and he said that my TOGS partner is living in
the past. Is this something I should be concerned about? -- Not Rillion
Dear "Not Rillion",
Your therapist is a quack. I do the exact same thing as your TOGS partner (but
on different subjects) and I am totally fine. Trust me, there is nothing to worry
about. Who are you going to believe, your therapist or a former TOGS Champion? --
Manager
Dear Manager,
What is 6+5+3? And I can barely make out your handwriting on these sheets!
Please make sure your 1's are more distinguishable from your 7's. Thanks. -- Sandy
Dear "Sandy",
What kind of a question is that? And how do you know all that about my
handwriting? I swear, I have the most crazy stalkers always trying to go through my
trash! Unfortunately, that's just the price you pay when you're me. -- Manager
Dear Manager,
The Delarquan Federation elders are putting an enormous amount of pressure on me
to bring home the TOGS trophy. We didn't have the greatest start and now I'm
wondering if I can get the job done. If we don't win, what should I do? -- Ultra-Man
Dear "Ultra-Man",
Blame your friends! If you can't use your friends as Scapegoats, then what are
they good for? There's the rare occasion when I don't win the TOGS trophy myself and
I make sure to put the blame on my partner, where it belongs! -- Manager
Dear Manager,
My TOGS partner is an balding, shameless uncivilized barbarian who is
embarrassing me in public. He even runs an S&M club for goodness sakes! Would it be
wrong to disassociate myself from him? -- My Knee Kin
Dear My Knee,
Have we as a society learned nothing from the original Star Trek series in the
70's? Am I the only one who remembers the moral lessons they taught us during each
week? Remember the Season 3 episode "Spock's Brain"--where a bunch of advanced women
try to take over Spock's brain to escape from their lesser civilized male
counterparts? At the end, their attempt fails and they are forced to have to re-
integrate with their uncouth male counterparts. So you can try to disassociate
yourself from your TOGS partner--but just remember--that too will likely end in
failure. -- Manager
That's all for now! Remember to send all your questions to "Ask Manager" C/O
the Crazy Creeps Free Press!
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Journey to Aradi ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
part something or another
by Elements of Power
Jekyll was speechless, he'd never dreamed Aradi looked like this; wood ranch
houses an old fashioned western saloon, seemingly every man in the village sported a
cowboy hat. If there were women in Aradi, they'd be wearing full dresses with
bonnets Jekyll mused as he watched a couple of cowpokes stroll along.
"Strange place." Jekyll said.
"It wasn't like this before! They've torn down the stone buildings and erected
this cowboy town in its place." Ultraist said, clearly fascinated.
"Look, is that who I think it is?" Jekyll asked as he pointed to the man walking
toward them.
"It is!" Ultraist answered.
The man approaching them was none other than Manager, only now he sported a tall
wide brim black cowboy hat, pink & purple flannel shirt, and a dusty pair of chaps
over his worn jeans. His rattlesnake skin boots completed the look. Behind him were
two other men in similar garb, but they weren't immediately recognizable.
Jekyll threw a hand up in a wave, and he and Ultraist instantly knew something
was wrong when Manager didn't return the gesture.
The two men following Manager turned out to be Rillion and Lord Xiang. They
started widening their approach so they could flank our heroes. Each wore a short
sword and wore dusky leather gloves.
Manager stopped five yards short of Ultraist and Jekyll, Rillion and Xiang did
the same on each flank. Manager looked to the sky, squinted against the bright sun,
looked back at the newcomers then spit tobacco juice at their feet.
Ultraist noticed Manager had grown a handlebar mustache since he'd last seen him.
The moustache was highlighted by the red bandana he wore around his neck.
"What brings y'all boys to these parts?" Manager asked in a strange southern
drawl, his hand on the hilt of his short sword.
"ToGS." Ultraist said.
"That so.... Your kind don't generally come for ToGS, t'ain't natural. I
reckon y'all boys got a different criteria than ToGS here in Brakterug. You reckon
so, deputy Rillion?" Manager said.
"I'd say you're right, sheriff." Deputy Rillion smirked, then spit tobacco also.
"Something is wrong here." Jekyll whispered as he and Ultraist were led away at
sword point.
"Do you think? I think they'd transformed this place into that mythical city
Soultaker is always going on about. What was it? Oh yes, Brakterug." Ultraist
answered.
"What do you plan to do with us?" Jekyll asked, concern on his visage.
"You ever heard of DeLarquan roping?" Cowboy Rillion answered.
"What?" Ultraist sounded shocked.
"Over there." Manager pointed and all eyes followed to a gathering that looked
like a a rodeo.
Inside the fence Snotman and Nuln trotted on horseback, then a whistle sounded
and a gate flew open. From within the stall, TUM burst out wearing nothing but a
speedo. Immediately, Nuln and Snotman turned their steeds toward the half naked
Delarq who was running around in circles, terrified.
Both riders began twirling lassos, but it was Nuln that fired first and scored
the hit, wrapping the noose around TUM's neck, dragging him to the ground. Nuln then
leaped from his horse and began wrapping TUMS legs and Arms together with rope to the
cheers of the all male crowd.
"This can't be happening!" Jekyll wailed and then broke down into sobs.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Purple Rain ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
scribed by: Jekyll
"I believe you were looking for me" the purple shaded man said.
Jekyll and Ultraist were soaked to the bone in the midst of the worst rainstorm
that Aradi had seen in eons. The two men looked at each other in puzzlement. Why
were they in the rain? Why were they splashing around singing cheesy ballads? And
most importantly, why was this rain never ending? They continued to stare at the
purple shaded man as he calmly stood in the alley.
Ultraist calmly walked up to the man and thrust the feather into his purple hued
face. The Purple People Eater snatched it up and examined it in the fading
moonlight. His face lit up with shock and awe as he finished his careful scrutiny of
the infernal feather.
"Come with me, gentlemen!" he said, "and hurry, this thing must be destroyed."
The three men continued down the alley at a steady pace. The water was almost
up to their knees at this point and made the travel difficult.
"I bet Death Stud is probably close to drowning by now.... I mean the water has
got to be up to his neck already." Ultraist guffawed loudly and elbowed Jekyll.
"Laugh all you want Ultraist." the purple hued Consortium Elder stated. "If we
don't get this rain to stop soon we will all share his fate also. It's a good thing
you got to me when you did.... Only one man can destroy this feather and stop the
rain."
"Who? You?" said Jekyll sarcastically. "Look at you, you're all dressed in
purple spandex with a Raspberry Beret on your head."
"Not me...well sort of.... We have arrived."
The three men stood before what appeared to be a prison. As they walked closer
to the building a sign dangling from the entrance read 'Aradi Asylum, property of The
Consortium Elders'. Suddenly a bolt of lightening streaked from the sky and hit the
Purple Man squarely in the chest. He began to shake violently as the electricity
surged through him. He completely collapsed in the alley and the rain suddenly
stopped. Jekyll and Ultraist slowly approached him.
"What the heck was that!" Jekyll exclaimed. "Is he alive?"
The purple man slowly got to his knees and the rain began to fall once again.
The man began humming a tune and slowly tapping his feet as he arose. The rain began
to increase its intensity as the man began to dance.
"I never meant to cause you any sorrow, I never meant to cause you any pain." he
began to sing.
"I only wanted to one time see you laughing.... I only wanted to see you
laughing in the purple rain...."
The rain began to turn purple as the man continued his song. Jekyll and
Ultraist looked at one another incredulously as the man began to prance around the
street.
"Purple Rain, Purple Rain, Purple Rain, Purple Rain.... I only wanted to see
you bathing in the Purple Rain." he continued.
"That does it!" Jekyll screamed. "I have had enough of this feather and these
darned songs."
Jekyll rushed the purple hued man and in midstride pulled his shortsword and
thrust it violently into his heart. Purple blood squirted like a geyser as the man
collapsed dead in the middle of the street. As Jekyll stood over the lifeless body
the purple color faded from the rain and returned to its normal violent state.
Ultraist had changed into his lion form and approached the body and sniffed it for
any signs of life. There was an eerie silence as the two men stood over the dead
body of the Purple People Eater.
"Now was that necessary?" a voice broke the silence.
A small nondescript barefoot man appeared at the entrance of the Asylum.
Ultraist quickly changed back into human form at the sound of his voice and placed
his hand cautiously upon his longsword. There was not a more dangerous man in all of
Aradi and Ultraist was not about to be caught off guard by the manipulator.
"Manager." Ultraist said in a greeting. "Figures you would have something to do
with this."
"I mean, c'mon Jekyll, you could have aimed for the arms or head." the man
continued, ignoring Ultraist. "Death is so unnecessary. This is Aradi after all."
"We don't have any time for your Andorian whining, Manager." Ultraist said. "We
must see to it that this feather is destroyed."
"The feather...yes, the feather." Manager replied, maniacally rubbing his hands
together. "I agree it must be destroyed just like I destroyed the SCOMMS in The Turf
War, just like the Delarqs were destroyed in The Civil War...just like I succeeded in
destroying the trust between two friends, just as I destroyed the competition in...."
"Ahem." Ultraist interrupted.
"This guy's Andorian?" Jekyll asked in surprise.
"Of course I am Andorian...where was I...oh yeah, the feather. You seek to
destroy it. It does not wish to be destroyed. There is only one man who can help you
with that and he is inside. Only only one man with the mental instability to
understand the feather and destroy it...you seek The Creepster."
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Crazy Creeps Spotlight ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
The Aradi All-Star Softball Team
"Hey, batter, batter! Hey batter, batter!" chanted TUM, from deep short. He
looked over at his teammates, gave the one out signal to the outfielders, and thought
to himself, "Jeez, what a bunch of misfits. What if Suave saw me with this bunch
now?"
It had been difficult for Ed. to put together a polished softball team, but, as
usual, she had done her best. When she had gotten the call from Green Eyes that D2
had been challenged by The Greater Phoenix Area Girl Scouts to a charity softball
event, her only question had been, "Why me?" But she had risen to the occasion and
fielded a full team of interesting athletes, the best, if that word applied, that
Aradi had to offer.
The try-outs had been a fiasco. Twenty-six alleged athletes and similar paid
their roll-up fee, and hit the field. After the first thirty minutes or so, Ed. knew
she had her work cut out for her. "I would rather be editing lousy spots and ads in
Aradi." she thought to herself. At the end of the day, it was time to announce her
selections. All the athletes gathered around knowing that they had earned a spot on
the Aradi All-Stars.
Ed., dressed in her cute little down under khaki jump suit with red, white and
blue Keds, announced, "There are 15 spots on the team. I'm sorry we cannot use
everyone, but we will call on the rest of you when we need help dispersing the girl
scout cookies next year. So, without further adieu, the team and batting order is:
Lineup
1. Death Stud - 2nd base
2. Lord Xiang - right field
3. Indimar - 1st base
4. Ultraist - left field
5. Hombre - center field
6. Lady E - shortstop
7. LHI - 3rd base
8. boB - pitcher
9. Nuln - shortfielder
10. Soultaker - catcher.
She continued, "And the other teammates are."
Kathack!!!! Everyone heard the loud twang of the crossbow, followed by the
groan from Lady E, and the blood gushing from the deep wound to her chest. When she
plopped over and stopped breathing, TUM, holding the crossbow and Rawlings glove,
wearing his Chicago Black Sox cap and autographed Shoeless Joe knickers, said, "Looks
like I play short. Any questions?"
Seconds later, Indimar's head went flying onto the field like a plump softball
courtesy of Ghoti's Victoriaville hockey stick. Ghoti, in his losing Oiler's hockey
jersey and sweatpants, chirped in, "Yep, and I'll take first!"
"Wait a minute!" yelled Death Stud. "Shouldn't I be shortfielder?" And Nuln,
of course, switched with The Stud, for no one could refute that little Stud was
better fitted for shortfielder. Indeed, a short, shortfielder.
"Looks like we're settled with the line up, then." said Ed. "So let me list the
other five members of the team. Mission, you and Snotman are cheerleaders, OK?
Rascally Rabbit, you are the backup pitcher and sub, in case anyone gets DA'd.
Mannequin, you have the second most important position as mascot, and the most
important position goes to none other than Manager, who once upon a time won a TOGS.
Manager, you will be allowed to be the one who carries Nuln's nut sack."
So here it was near dusk on game day, and it was the bottom of the seventh and
final (everyone hoped) inning, with the Aradi All-Stars leading the Greater Phoenix
Girl Scouts 161-160. One down, bases loaded, and Missy, the fearsome Tempe 4th
grader at bat.
Crazy Creeps Scribe was in the press box looking at the lineups, while Bob
Euchre was calling the game. The lineups posted on the monitor in front of Bob read:
Aradi All Stars Phoenix Girl Scouts
Death Stud - shortfielder Mindy - shortstop
Lord Xiang - right field Melanie - 2nd base
Ghoti - 1st base Melissa - left field
Ultraist - left field Missy - 1st base
Hombre - center field Mandy - catcher
TUM - shortstop Maryanne - pitcher
LHI - 3rd base Molly - right field
boB - pitcher Margie - center field
Nuln - 2nd base Meena - 3rdbase
Soultaker - catcher Mabel - shortfield
Rascally Rabbit - sub Misty - sub
Mission - cheerleader Mabeline - cheerleader
Snotman - cheerleader Mollyann - cheerleader
Mannequin - mascot Meg - mascot
Manager - nut sack holder Mary - personal trainer
"Ball three; full count." yelled the umpire as boB missed with another one wide
of the plate. The ump signaled "time" as Soultaker, worried once again that boB was
not using the right tactic, headed out to the mound. The infielders gathered.
During the timeout, Manager rushed onto the field to adjust Nuln's nut sack and
to make certain everyone knew that he once won a TOGS. At the mound, LHI was asking
Ghoti if he thought 21 deftness was a necessity for 3rd basemen or aimed blows. TUM
had his eyes on Missy, and was heard to whisper, "I think I'm in love."
"Pay attention!" whined Soultaker. "Should boB use the responsive pitch or
throw a slasher? If we lose this game, we will be the laughingstocks of all
Alastari!"
As The Crazy Creeps Scribe watched from the press box, she knew they had made
their decision, as all the Aradi Manager All Stars hustled back into position. She
saw boB's twitch, so she knew they were going to use the defense tactic, and she had
little doubt but that Missy would smack one at Nuln's nut sack and through his legs
for a game winner. The Scribe liked Nuln too much to allow that to happen, so she
reached into her pocket (The gold Hilfiger Nehru jacket looked really fine on her,
she thought.) and tapped the electronic switch creating the earthquake which
immediately engulfed the playing field and sucked all the players into the earth's
depths, killing them all instantly.
As she walked out of the stadium she heard the exiting spectators talking. The
two most common things she heard were "wasn't that Nuln's nut sack cute" and "glad
that's over".
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
TOGS Scrod National Network Interview: How I won TOGS 1
From Ghoti
TSNNI: So Manager, tell us how it was you pulled off TOGS 1 all by yourself.
Manager: I managed, I persevered, I pulled it off.
TSNNI: No really, how DID you do it?
Manager: I just TOLD you. It was me, I challenged, I dodged, I weaved, I WON!
TSNNI: SO tell us about your partner Miles?
Manager: MILES!? I am so tired of hearing about this Miles guy. He was like a
puppet with my hand up his back. I practically ran his team. I.... Uh.... That's
it! This interview is over! PHHHHTTT!! (Manager walked off the set in a huff.)
TSNNI: Well folks you heard it here. Manager walked off with TOGS 1 win on his own.
He owned Aradi back in those days. He walked the walk so that today, he can talk the
talk. But can he do it again? Can he carry his partner today as he did in TOGS 1?
Can he move this FONZ group out of his way? Can he defeat all the other also-rans?
Can he sweep Lady E and Rillion under the carpet as dismissively as he did the others
in TOGS 1? Can I keep typing this dribble for another 15 lines? NO...I SAY!
Ghoti sat out front of his guild house on the curb (a place he often found
himself). He was throwing rocks at an unsuspecting can on the road and wondering why
Judge was not in this contest. He was wondering what became of his TOGS 1 partner,
Father. He wondered if Aramalias ever wrote another team spotlight. Did it matter?
NO I SAY!
Ghoti lay on a haystack staring up at the clouds. He was pondering the "shapes.
"LOOK," he said to no one in particular, "there is Pegasus. That one has to be a
Blue Dragon. And that one is a Ducky. And over there is a really dark cloud that
looks a lot like Nuln." When Ghoti woke up he noticed in place of his nut sack was a
note. It read "I took yer nut sack to replace mine. I got all yer marbles too! OH,
and the ink is poisoned" -- Chaos Lord Nuln
Ghoti Sat on his oversized and overstuffed armchair in his study in the guild
house. He pondered how to beat this Manager. And that upstart short guy...umm
Wutzisname, Death Stud and Mannequin and Samwise the Bald Sandman and those two nasty
boyz Romulouse and Gameboy err (Ganolus and Hombre). Not to mention the others so I
won't. Ghoti thought "Lame, this spotlight is Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooo lame. (Pondering if all the O's are infringing any copyrights.)
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Silent Warriors ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
GHAR MATEY!!!
Barnabas the Pirate sailed his ship down Scrodplant Slough looking for the Demon
Muskrat. After all, what else did he have to do? It was that TOGS time of year and
he wasn't participating, so he might as well do something useful with his time.
Normally useful would mean securing enough Scrodplant to make it through the winter,
but since kindling his friendship with Street Legal, Barnabas the pirate was all set.
Barnabas took another puff from his hand-rolled Scrodplant ciggy and bellowed to
nobody in particular, "Yo ho ho and a bottle of...what's that new stuff called?
Scrooge Cider! That's it!" Barnabas smiled, quite pleased with himself and his wit.
Pip the Troll, his knuckles dragging across the floor, wandered up on deck from
below and approached his Pirate captain. "Yo captain, I think I figured out where
that Demon Muskrat is hiding."
Barnabas took another drag of the Scrodplant and burst into laughter. "How
could you have possibly figured that out? Quit wasting my time Pip!" The pirate
handed the ciggy to the Troll.
Pip accepted the ciggy graciously and took a long, slow drag. He exhaled and
handed it back to Barnabas. "If I'm here...and you're here...doesn't that make it
our time? And I don't see anything wrong with finding the Demon Muskrat on our
time." Both men began to laugh at this. Pip the Troll turned and slowly started to
drag his knuckles back below deck.
Barnabas the Pirate stopped him with a mighty shout. "WAIT!!! Just out of
curiosity, what did you figure out?"
Pip almost fell over as he turned around to face his captain. "Well, I was just
thinking, boss. Where would I go if I was a skanky little Demon Muskrat, afraid of
everything?" Pip waited patiently, assuming that everyone, especially Barnabas the
Pirate, would easily follow his logic.
Barnabas stared at Pip for what seemed like an eternity. "WELL!?!" he shouted.
Pip stared back at his captain blankly. "Well, what?"
Barnabas took a deep breath to prevent from exploding before he continued.
"Well, where would you go if you were a skanky Demon Muskrat, afraid of everything?"
the Pirate asked in the same tone that he might ask a small child.
Pip shook his head in disbelief. "Duh! Duh! To that scary cave that's just
down the slough that leads underground to Aradi's Dark Arena. Where else?" Pip
stated this rather matter-of-factly, like Barnabas was an idiot for not catching on
sooner.
A huge grin spread across the captain's baked face. "NO DOY, MATEY! Pip,
you're a genius!" (In case anyone is wondering, Pip is generally so not known as a
genius, but in this case, he may be on to something.) Barnabas the Pirate
immediately set sail for the scary cave that was just down the slough that led
underground to Aradi's Dark Arena.
Unfortunately, Pip was wrong and the Demon Muskrat was never found. (Sorry,
Indy.) However, Pip and the Pirate did find a quivering, frightened little manager
named Jekyll hiding out by the Dark Arena. The cave smelled, as Jekyll had wet
herself many times, yet Barnabas and Pip seemed not to notice as they strode forward
towards the cowardly manager.
Barnabas yelled "GHAR!" as he slapped Jekyll across the face. Poor, nut
sackless Jekyll fell back into her own wetness.
Pip was on her like white on rice. He kicked her in the bosom and Jekyll let
out a scream as she queefed. "Let this be a lesson to you Jekyll-Head!" Pip taunted.
And it was. Jekyll stopped using the Dark Arena to hide from his opponents and
went back to simply losing. Barnabas went on to greatness and won 5 TC's at the next
FTF (all with the help of Ganolus) and Pip went into hibernation, as Trolls sometimes
do. As far as the Demon Muskrat goes, well you'll just have to ask Indimar Fallon
about that story.
-- Ganolus Oakleaf, Silent Warriors
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ BRAKTERUG NUT SACK ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
MY BEST BUDS 2
The My Best Buds 2 team was sitting at their regular corner booth at the local
IHOS (International House of Scrodcakes) enjoying the late night, or early morning
depending on your viewpoint, meal when the manager known as Manager walked up to the
table. He tipped his full helm, for he went everywhere wearing Plate Armor and a Full
Helm (his armor of choice), to Street Legal and made him an offer.
"Sorry about your death at the hands of Mannequin's Epee and my part in it." he
apologized. "I was ready to give you my traditional ToGS gift when you chased down
and tackled LHI. That being said here are enough tickets to the opening night show
of the play that's all the rage across the Delarquan land to take anybody you should
wish!"
He strolled off after the two managers shared a brief chat. Street Legal
wondered when Manager had a chance to be in Delarq' land considering his Andorian
background. In fact he was sure there was a standing order to kill Manager on sight
if he ever set foot on Delarquan land. Then again, there's a standing order for
everyone to be killed come to think of it. Nonetheless Street was never one to look
a gift horse in the mouth and opened the pouch containing 20 tickets to "BRAKTERUG
NUT SACK" playing later that night at the Scrod Palace.
"OK gang, listen up," the manager said sharply. "Let's hurry up and finish our
scrodcakes and get back to the guildhouse and to bed. We're going to have an early
practice...." a round of "boos" interrupted briefly, "and then it's off to the Scrod
Palace for a show!" A loud cheer then erupted from the group. Even though it was
the night before the fights, his warriors were a bit weary it seemed and were
struggling a bit in the arena the last 3 turns so a change of pace might be in order
to change things up a bit!
The group was well dressed, for once, in their finest leather as they strolled
down the golden carpet, Ogres are Us at their side, into the premier of "BRAKTERUG
NUT SACK". Everyone that was anyone around ToGS and Aradi was there and the group
was pleased to find out that they were in the second row to see this magnificent
show.
"What a view," exclaimed BC Gold.
"Yes indeed," replied Mary Jane. "I hear Nuln and Creepster are a spectacular
combination and have had rave reviews for their performance!
The other three guys just giggled, "We're at a play," rather Beavis and Butt-
Head like!
The lights went down at the theater and the curtain rose to Nuln and Creepster
spooning by a crackling fire wearing cowboy garb with one of the now famous nut sacks
between them. Nuln spoke forth the opening line to the Creepster, "I wish I knew how
to quit you, man!"
Creepster looked back over his shoulder and responded, "Giggity-Giggity-
Giggity!"
The three guys, and their horrified manager, all sat in utter silence and shock
and watched occasionally looking at each other just to make sure they were really
there and seeing what they hoped they weren't seeing. The Ogres quickly ripped their
seats from the floor smashed them over their heads and left in disgust. During the
entire two hours all the four could truly remember were the two lines: "I wish I
knew how to quit you"; and "GIGGITY-GIGGITY-GIGGITY". Leaving the theater, BC Gold
and Mary Jane were gushing about what a wonderful show it was and how sad it was that
Nuln and the Creepster could never be together as they wished while the other four
just gushed their lunches at the thought of that odd couple!
Later that night:
Street Legal heard the faint sounds of talking in the night so he went to
investigate. More spies? Had Death Stud found a crack to crawl into his guildhouse
through? Nope it was his basher Graffix huddled in a corner his arms pulling his
knees tight to his chest, rocking back and forth ever so creepily.
"I wish I knew how to quit you.... GIGGITY-GIGGITY-GIGGITY.... I wish I knew
how to quit you.... GIGGITY-GIGGITY-GIGGITY...." is all he said over and over
despite any attempt by any of the now gathered team members to coax him out of this
state.
"Aw crap," lamented Street Legal. "The poor boy has done lost his mind. I'm
sure it was meant with all good intention, after all he probably thought the play was
as good as Kelly Clarkson's CD, but thanks to Manager (and Creepster) Graffix would
have to die. The two most staunch Andorians killed my warrior!"
Throughout the night, "I wish I knew how to quit you.... GIGGITY-GIGGITY-
GIGGITY.... I wish I knew how to quit you.... GIGGITY-GIGGITY-GIGGITY...." rang
through the halls of My Best Buds 2's guildhouse and as he entered the Dark Arena
Graffix was heard to say, "Giggity-Giggity--what the f....?"
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Recent Activity at the Off Whitehouse ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
There was a flurry of activity at the off Whitehouse today. The Dubyah was
looking for Bin Laden, but there was nothing new there, he was always looking for Bin
Laden for one reason or other. Condi was even staying out of the way, and word in
the halls was that she was unavailable for comment. It wasn't pretty, Hillary and
Clinton were both dead; two of the new clones were reportedly killed by order of the
Dubyah and anyone could be next. Results were positive though, the Legion posted a
positive record for the first time in weeks and it seemed even Lord Xiang was talking
about staying away. As for G Dubyah himself he was on the warpath (again); anything
out of the ordinary was immediately scrutinized and usually eliminated. Challenges
were flying all over the place, most of them suicidal. Seraphim had been overheard
telling G Dubyah that they no longer had anything to lose, it was rumored that
Seraphim's ally was on his last legs in the area unable to continue supporting so
many interests abroad and the Legion has taken a win or die stance. Desperation was
in the air and everyone knew it, few options were available to the beleaguered Legion
and only a fraction of a hair of those had positive results. Ultimately the full
weight of the offensive was being taken on by the Legion leader. G Dubyah had been
seen making multiple suicidal challenges in what Condi had reported to be full on
fear tactics, real berserk methodology. Buckling on his Broadsword G Dubyah exited
his office with a slam of the door, business face on he was headed to the arena.
Sticking her head into the hall across from him Condi decided she'd risk it. "Where
are you going?" she asked. Stopping and turning her direction Dubyah looked her in
the eye. "I've had two of the clones killed and have already made the request for
their replacements, I'm on my way to the arena to either end it for one of our
opponents of for us." Condi came all the way into the hall. "What's the plan boss?"
Heading back down the hall this time slow enough for Condi to follow Dubyah spelled
out a little of his ideas. "As of right now we have only one advantage, I'm going to
try to exploit the heck out of it. We're barely sitting center stream in this
competition and I have an idea that might slow down the leaders some." Condi thought
about the possibilities a bit. "Sounds like a rather risky challenge." Nodding G
Dubyah stopped. "I doubt the challenge will go through, and even if it does the odds
are about 70/30 I'll be killed in the attempt, but if I can manage to win I can
seriously reduce the capabilities of one of the top teams. It may not mean much for
us now, but it might mean a lot later on. Plus we have the big tourney just over the
horizon and it looks as if I'm the only one from this Legion that'll be in
attendance." Condi looked back toward her room. "You mean you're the only one who
will attend if you can make it back from this fight in one piece." G Dubyah looked
thoughtful for
a minute. "Seraphim suggested I think about it seriously before I make it. There
doesn't seem like a downside to the challenge itself, provided it's successful that
is, and if I win the repercussions is incredible. Our days may be numbered where we
and our allies can continue, Seraphim is committed but there are problems on the
other side of the fence. Right now we're in an all or nothing situation, and getting
nothing won't hurt us much." Turning back and heading for the stairs Condi thought
about it a second. "Seraphim wouldn't like it much if you didn't come back; you
better make sure you win this one!"
And then there was silence, as if the entire legion held its breath for the
outcome of one fight.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Snotman's Spotlight ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Aradi Business License Board
Snotman slammed the door closed behind him, looked around at the empty beer
bottles and flopped down on the floor. A particularly deep pile of bottles moved and
Wayne King the goat poked out his head. He rubbed his bleary, red eyes with a hoof
and groaned, "Oh, it's just you Snotman. I was worried that it might be the Aradi
Animal Control Board."
Snotman took his head out of his hands, "Um, didn't I tell you? The board has
been disbanded, all of the animals are free to come back to Aradi."
Wayne surged to his feet, "What, how long ago was this?"
Snotman thought for a second, "Four, maybe six weeks, I can't remember exactly."
Wayne's voice suddenly became icy cold, "I've been cooped up in this house for
six week with no sustenance except Hard Scrooge Cider and I'm not in any danger?"
Snotman winced, "Sorry about that dude, I forgot."
Wayne's red eyes glowed for a second and then he started laughing, "Heh, I'm
just messing with you. I've been having a blast here. One goat and 14 cases of Hard
Scrooge Cider, you do the math. It takes me back to my days in the frat."
"Really, you were in a frat?"
"Yeah, Kappa Alfalfa Alfalfa. Darn, those were the days. We'd have these wild
parties with huge bales of hay and all the rancid goat's milk you could drink. When
the ewes were in heat it we'd have crazy orgies. Ah college."
Snotman nodded begrudgingly, "Ok, I could see how that would be kind fun if you
were a goat."
Wayne's eyes glazed over for a second and he remembered those delicious times,
then he snapped back to the present, "So, what about Nuln. He started this whole
thing."
Snotman replied, "Well, it appears that he isn't really an evil bastard....
Actually, Endora and his dad, Derwin weren't married so technically he is a bastard.
And he is kinda evil. Did you know that on Christmas eve he sneaks into people's
houses and puts photos of their dad cheating in kid's stockings. As you can imagine
a photo of dad at Farmer boB's Barn tends to spice up what would normally be a pretty
boring Christmas day. And of course you've been to his annual Roast the Easter Bunny
BBQ. But you might not know that he always bakes fresh bread and chocolate chip
cookies on Yom Kippur. Creating evil with a baker's hat on. I really respect that.
So yeah, he's an evil bastard, but he didn't mean to create all of this fuss with the
animals. It actually was an honest mistake, he was trying to save you guys from an
evil feta loving cloner. But the Aradi Animal Control Board took it too far. Of
course now that they are out of power Soultanchor is rounding up some hard managers
to get medieval on their butts."
Wayne plopped down next to Snotman, "So, what brings you down this way, I mean
besides notifying me that I've been fearing for my life for nothing."
Snotman sighed, "You aren't going to let me forget that are you?"
Wayne grinned, "Heck no."
"Well, if you must know, I'm opening a bar. Going with an Aradi seaport theme I
put a sea animal in the name. The starfish. And then I had a big sign made up with
the name of the bar and a painting of it winking. But some guy on the Aradi Business
License Board decided to power trip and shut down my bar because starfishes don't
have eyes. Come on. It doesn't really matter now does it? It's a bar. But I need
a business license to open so I'm screwed. And I already had the sign made up."
"Yeah, that sucks. Did you try talking to them, to get them to change their
mind."
"Yeah, I spent six hours waiting for them to call my number and then they
righteously stood behind their buddy, proclaiming that they could do no wrong. It
sucked."
Wayne thought for a second, "What about renaming the bar."
"To what, I've already had the sign made."
"How about the Blinking Starfish."
"Um, that has the same problem. Starfish don't have eyes."
"That's the brilliance of my idea. It's not the starfish that is blinking, it's
the sign. Put some blinking lights on the sign, change two letters and you are ready
to open. And it keeps with your original theme pretty well."
Snotman started nodding, "You are pretty darn cool, Wayne King the goat!"
(Though your temperamental Ed. is likely to change that name too if it gets
misused by ANYONE. So you might end up with your bar being named the Avalanche
Lily.)
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Wing Hove ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Barnabas the Buccaneer?
"So now you think that Barnabas is a pirate," snorted Cyber Punk. "I think you
better lay off those doubleshots for a while, all that scrod juice is rotting your
brain."
"I know it sounds crazy," agreed Indimar, "but I saw what I saw, and you're
going to see it too. I overheard some of his men talking about getting ready to put
out to sea on tomorrow's high tide. I thought we could be there to sail away and
then we could investigate his dock and outbuildings to see if we can figure out
what's going on."
"I don't mind going with you, but who's going to run the store while we're
gone?"
"Are you kidding me, we have twenty baristas on staff here in the Scrodbucks and
the Scrod Shoppe pretty much runs itself. That new counter girl I hired should be ok
for a couple of hours."
Indimar suddenly realized that the head barista, Carol, was trying to get his
attention. When he looked up Carol jerked her large troll like head to indicate the
line of patrons waiting to place their orders. Indimar glanced over and noticed that
Mannequin and Samwise would be the next up to the counter. Turning back, Indimar
gave Carol a slight nod of his head and then held up his empty Scrodbucks can and
shook it at her.
"What's that all about?" asked Cyber Punk
"That last part was just ordering more Doubleshots," said Indimar with a grin.
"As for the rest, just keep watching," Indimar leaned back from the table to allow
their waitress to clear away all the empties which she then replaced with two fresh
fourpacks," this should be interesting."
The two managers had finished ordering and moved to the line of patrons waiting
to receive their orders. Cyber Punk noticed that Carol had taken over the
scrodspresso machine and was personally making the drinks for Samwise and Mannequin.
After receiving their order, and a quick stop at the condiment bar, the pair made
their way into the section Indimar had recently set aside for the private enjoyment
of Aradi's managers. They found a couple of seats in The Doghouse (that's what
Indimar called the new section, it just felt right) and began to drink from their
enormous mugs. After a few moments Samwise bolted to his feet with one hand raised
as if he had something to say. Just as suddenly he sat down again and his head fell
to the table with a thud as he died. As Mannequin leaned across the table to see
what had happened to his partner his body went rigid as he was gripped by a seizure.
He lay across the table shaking for several minutes before his body went limp and he
slid to the floor dead.
"I ask again," said Cyber as he and Indimar watched their employees haul away
the bodies, "what was that all about?"
"I had never killed any TOGS managers before and, in light of recent events, I
thought who better to start with than those two. I would have gone with Jekyll but I
thought it was crueler to let him live and have to listen to Elephant for the next
fifty or so turns."
"Nobody holds a grudge like Elephant," agreed Cyber Punk.
"Getting back to the business at hand, I thought I would invite Pauly on our
little expedition tomorrow," said Indimar.
"Why? Do you guys need a little more quality father and son time?" teased the
pint size manager.
"No," growled Indimar. "I was going to bring him along for muscle."
"Muscle? I know he's big but I didn't know he was that much of a baddy."
"He's not really that skillful," said Indimar, " but he is incredibly hard to
put down and keep down. I thought if we ran into trouble we could make our getaway
while he gets beat down."
Is Barnabas a Buccaneer? Will Pauly get a beat down? Will Jekyll take his own life
to avoid countless turns of Elephants hounding? For the answers to all your
questions be sure to tune in next week. Same scrod time. Same scrod channel.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Concert, Part I ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
by Atlas Park
Suddenly the Brown Room turned pitch black. Sounds of dice hitting the walls
and occasionally flesh can be heard.
"Ouch, that was my nose!!" cried out Noop
"Well it was an easy target." joked Elephant
Sounds of fly dice still in air.
"Oh man that was my ribs!!" wailed Bitchin Bob (note Bob's voice is high
pitched, almost female sounding)
"Just be glad the crutch tip is on." said a laughing Mandu.
The sounds of dice fade. A loud banging noise can be heard from the closet.
"Dudes, you need to chill, there's people down stairs." says Hombre.
"Sorry, I just did a judo roll in your closet. I was getting ready to give
someone a serious Poncherello." yells a heavily breathing Heshis.
Hombre turns the lights back on in the Brown Room. Dice are every where.
Heshis is climbing out of the closet. Noop is holding his large swollen nose. Mandu
and Elephant are standing side by side. Mandu has a cast on his ankle and a pair of
crutches. Bitchen Bob is laying on the floor mumbling something that no one can
understand.
"Announce yourself!!" calls out a voice from below.
"It's me BIZ, I'm coming up."
Enter Biz into the Brown Room.
"Biz, what the heck took you so long?"
"Well I told my mom her fajita pitas sucked!!"
"And?"
"Well, my dad punched me and I had to crawl outta the house."
"CYBERPUNK!! CYBER, PUNK, Punk, we are going to be late."
Suddenly we switch to Indimar's Scrodbucks shop. Cyberpunk is at the computer
and Indimar is standing over him.
"Darn it, Indy don't do that to me. I was just at the best part."
"What that darn Matrix, Internet thingy?"
"Biz had just got punched by Alfonso."
"Fonz did what?"
"Never mind."
"We are going to be late!!"
"What's the deal with selling Veggie Burritos and Tie Dyed Nutsacks?"
"Well I got the idea from my Grateful Scrod days."
"Yeah, but we're talking about a Kelly Clarkson concert, not a bunch of hippies
talking love and peace."
"Trust me, this will sell. Let's go."
"Oh, about that, I'll meet you there. I have to go change and then pick up
Dilen."
"Wait, you're not going with me and you're picking up Dilen, what's up with
that?"
"Well she needs a ride and don't take this the wrong way but you kind of freak
her out."
"Why?"
"Do you really need me to answer that for you?"
"Yes, I do."
"We don't have time for this. Like you said, we're gonna be late."
"I want to know why."
"Way too much to list, but let's start with you have stubble and razor burns on
your back. You wear tank tops but no deodorant. You have lint built up around your
belly button piercing. Why do you have your belly pierced and why don't you wear
shirts that fit?"
"Well, I like showing off my stomach. Women love my six pack."
"Six pack? Try keg."
"So that's why I can't go with you to pick up Dilen?"
"That's just the tip of the iceberg. Also, be aware of your wandering eyes.
It's just creepy. Your panel van isn't helping matters. It screams Chester."
"But it's a classic. I just put a new rug kit and disco ball."
"Indy, what did Buffalo Bill drive in Silence of the Lambs?"
"He drove a van. But he was a tight character."
"Indy, he was a serial killer."
"Oh, that's right."
"Any who, have to fly."
We see Cyperpunk leaving the Scrodbucks Shop and Indimar standing by himself,
looking dazed.
Sorry kids but we are out of time. Stay tuned next week for "The Concert, Part
II." Same Cyber time, same Cyber channel.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Clone Wars ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Part Freakin' Ocho
Nuln walked away from the Temple of Khorne, a smile on his face. His bi-weekly
strategy session had gone well, despite the complete absence of any discussion of
strategy. Instead the two chaos lords (tm) had reminisced of their early years spent
on the chaos plains (tm) far to the north.
They were remembering the time Nuln had visited Snotman at his dorm at
Killington U, back when he roomed with the second son of Malagon Six-Gizzard,
Malvagon Eight-Gizzard. Malvagon had a serious inferiority complex with regard to
his older brother, Madragon Seven-Gizzard. In addition to being the older, Madragon
had two extra goat-heads sprouting from his right shoulder, while Malvagon had only
the one. Nuln had nearly gutted Malvagon through his nostril (one of the first kill
techniques he had mastered) over some dispute in the dining hall over a chicken
finger. But Snotman had managed to break it up between the two, even then his
formidable mucous-membrane making a wall that could not be broken. On a completely
unrelated note, Snotman went into a lucrative business venture while in his sophomore
year at Killington, fashioning and selling his very own snot-hammocks (cushiony,
supportive & form-fitting!).
As Nuln walked out the courtyard gate of the TOK (still tm), he glanced at the
ginormous pile o' rotting garbage that had been dumped there by the beloved townsfolk
of Aradi. He had listened to Soultaker's retelling of the story when the manager had
made a rare appearance at the Azure Goliath....
(flashback cue)
"...well then the only thing I could tell 'em to keep from killing you was to
dump the trash from all over town down at your doorstep over at the Temple." finished
Soultaker, taking a long draw off his stein, as he eyed the Chaos Lord (tm)
nervously.
"I owe you my life!" Nuln grinned widely (knowing full well that life, in Aradi,
meant nothing), reassuring his old friend he toasted mugs of brew with the senior
manager. "After what you spared me, a pile of trash is the least of my worries.
Think nothing of it. Besides, it was rash and foolish of me to whisk away all the
animals in the dead of night like I did. I knew I had a big karma boomerang heading
back towards me. In this case, it comes in the form of a giant ball of trash."
The two toasted again, both drawing long from their respective steins. Nuln was
now in an especially good mood, and downed his beer in a few seconds, ordering up the
next round. What really made him happy though, was of course that Soultaker didn't
realize that he no longer lived in the Temple of Khorne (tm). A while back Nuln had
lost a bet with Snotman with whom he'd shared occupancy with at the temple, which was
to see who would be the first to graduate all 10 styles from Aradi. Snotman had won
the contest in rather dramatic and resounding fashion, when a PR of his fighting in
the dead tournament TCed its class and went straight to ADM. Consequentially, Nuln
had to pack his bags and vacate his dungeon residence at the Temple. It didn't
surprise Nuln at all that Soultaker hadn't been aware of this fact, as being chained
to Pandora's "table of doom" for months on end did tend to lessen one's abilities to
keep up with the local news and gossip.
(end flashback cue)
While initially perturbed, Snotman wasn't exactly concerned, as the gigantic
pile was rapidly diminishing with each day. It was basically a big loaf of food for
Wayne King, and now that the hill goats surrounding the city had returned, it was a
veritable "feast for all."
Nuln continued down the street, the metal skulls hanging from his nut sack
jangling as he went. A couple kids ran by wearing "I Killed Nuln's Nut Sack" tees,
and the Chaos Lord (tm) shook his head...it was just so wrong. His thoughts shifted
to the Clone Villain (patent pending). Whoever was after the cloning technology
hadn't made a peep the last few weeks, and there was nothing worse in Nuln's books
than a silent adversary. His attempts to track down Goose the goose had all been
unsuccessful, as were his endeavors to find Drugo's killer/s.
"Perhaps," Nuln said, conveniently vocalizing his thoughts, "it is time I take
drastic measures. And in this case, Aradi in particular is not lacking in the
experts in the trade I seek...."
As Nuln planned and plotted out his next move, he was unaware of the dark,
cloaked, villainy-looking figure standing on a diagonal roof-top, watching his
movements.
"That fool Chaos Lord (tm)," scoffed the man, turning to the dark, cloaked
villainy-looking figure that look exactly like him. "It was like taking candy from a
baby."
"A baby!" laughed the villainy twin. "Ha ha!"
"Yes, ha ha!" Said the first villain. "Ha ha ha!"
This brilliant stanza of dialogue was followed by an 10 month pregnant pause,
which was then followed by a brief commercial interruption for Lady E's Snot Pads (r
u Snottin'?).
<cut to commercial>
"Hey McNaughton, you snottin'?"
"You know it, champ. Say, have you met my wife, Cotton McNaughton?"
"I am so snottin'!"
<cut to spotlight>
This was followed by a three hour telethon for Uncle Squiggly's fund for the
Albino Hemophiliac Scrod Orphans. This was followed by another quick scene change.
(across town)
Lady E and TUM sat at a table at Frafrejan Fred's Fancy Foods, a hip new diner
on the south side of town overlooking the docks. It was a great breakfast spot on
warm days when you could eat outside on the back porch, which is where we found our
heroes.
"That waiter seemed offended I didn't order something with scrod in it." TUM
shook his head, not understanding the strange obsession some on the island had.
"Can't a guy just get a regular omelette?!"
And so ends part Ocho ends on this ominous question that, frankly, we must all
ask ourselves at some point in our lives. The usual questions remain: Will Manager
kill all TOGS managers ever in existence in under 32 lines? Will Mucous Aurelias be
the next mayor of Aradi? Will Ed. participate and win the Funny Accent Nationals
next week in Niania? Will this story ever get back on track? I don't know about
you, but I fear the truth....
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Demons of Darkness #6 -- AKA What Happened to #5?
by Rillion
The party and celebrating in honor of Blue Beanie's invite to the Isle of the
Eye had been epic. Many had thought that Blue Beanie must be some great warrior to
deserve the huge extravaganza, but the truth of the matter was that Rillion had just
been extremely happy to finally have Blue Beanie off of the team. He had been an
extremely average warrior that proved just effective enough during the TOGS
competitions not to be a total waste. The people who put warrior qualities into a
quantifiable format rated him as 11-10-16-17-15-4-11, a total parry that was
ambidextrous and did great damage but otherwise was remarkably average. Good enough
to have a chance to win most fights but not quite good enough to win a lot. Good
riddance was Rillion's thought and was the reason for the celebration.
Unfortunately, all that celebrating had involved a lot of drinking. And Rillion
getting drunk, as many TOGS veterans might remember, usually resulted in Rillion
doing really stupid things. Often involving profanity laced tirades. This time was
no different. It had been Rillion's intention to right a detailed review and
synopsis of the party and submit it as spotlight number 5 in the TOGS, but as the
lack of a spotlight by Rillion in the last newsletter indicates, it never made it.
Of course that was probably a good thing, see early comment about profanity laced
drunken tirades. As to trying to write about the party now for this spotlight, well,
when Rillion drinks those hard dwarven spirits, he usually ends up having very little
recollection of any events that transpired after he started imbibing. Which is
unfortunate, consider again the propensity for profanity laced tirades. So given
that, even if he could remember what happened, it probably would not be suitable for
publishing anyway.
Of course that still leaves Rillion with the issue of what to write about for
this turn's spotlight, which thankfully is now almost two-thirds complete with a
recap of why there was no spotlight last turn. He could always talk about the new
recruit, give a detailed history of how new golem was created and so forth.
Unfortunately it appears this newest golem was created during that period of time
that Rillion can not remember after he began drinking the dwarven spirits at the
party but before he woke up a day and a half later feeling not so good. Let's just
say that the golem ain't right and will be visiting the dark arena. Of course
judging from its name, Ganmbre, it's appears in his state that Rillion created a
piece of junk in honor of the two managers he has a grudge against in this TOGS. As
for exactly how Rillion's propensity for profanity laced tirades manifest this time,
it appears that it was incorporated into the golem Ganmbre. Fortunately not many
people will be subjected to this tirade as its screams of pain from being torn limb
for limb in the Dark Arena should overwhelm its program. And perhaps next turn, no
longer suffering from a night of celebration, Rillion will be inspired enough to
produce a spotlight that is not just space filler. But do not count on it.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
----- ----- < Samwise the Bald / Childhood Trauma > ----- -----
Samwise was ready for some down time. He'd decided upon his course of action
for dealing with both Rascally Rabbit and Soultaker. The duels for the week had
ended and his team had the night off. It was time to take a break.
The Alastari Wrestling Federation was in town. Samwise had heard rumors that
some managers liked to moonlight as wrestlers when the AWF came to town. He intended
to see for himself and have a good laugh in the process.
Later, Samwise made his way into the Aradi arena, which was being used for the
evening, and found his seat. Settling into his seat, he took in all the action.
***********
"Ladies and gentlemen of Aradi, welcome to tonight's Alastari Wrestling
Federation presentation! I'm Michael Buffnwax, your announcer! Be prepared to be
awed and rendered stupid by all the action in store! Let's get ready to
wressssssssssssssssstle!!!!!!!"
Another man stood and too the microphone from Buffnwax and spoke, "Thank you,
Michael. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm your play-by-play ring announcer, Mean Gene
Oakleaf. In our first match of the evening, we have The Thousand-Dollar Champion,
Ted Manabiase, fighting Hacksaw Jim boB!"
Two wrestlers made their way to the ring, amidst the chorus of boos and cheers
of the crowd. One, clad in formal attire and wearing a tarnished bronze belt, bore
a striking resemblance to an arena manager who will go unnamed. The other, clad in
blue tights, a flannel shirt, and carrying a 2 x 4, was none other than Aradi's
beloved practitioner of the agricultural arts and cattle pimping.
The action in the wring began furiously. Ted Manabiase had obviously spent
hours upon hours preparing for the event. He knew his opponent well. Every move
made by Hacksaw Jim boB was countered and escaped. Manabiase obviously had
information from multiple sources regarding Hacksaw's style and tendencies. He was
clearly in control of the match and on his way to a win. Manabiase obviously felt as
if he had the match won. His actions, which before had been effective and crowd-
pleasing, began to take on a smug, self-satisfied aura. He began to get a little
sloppy. When Manabiase turned to taunt the crowd and Hacksaw, Hacksaw delivered a
vicious cross-body whack with his 2 x 4 and promptly pinned Manabiase. As he made
his way back to the dressing room, Manabiase could be heard screaming, "Not another
runner-up! Not another runner-up!"
Mean Gene Oakleaf stood to announce the second match of the evening. "Ladies
and gentlemen, our second match is for the AWF Tag Team Championship! We have the
Hotair Warriors versus the Nut Sack N Legging Express!"
Two groups of wrestlers made their way to the ring. One bore a striking
resemblance to a couple of managers from a different federation than of Aradi. One
appeared to alternate between the form of a man and lion. The other, he looked like
a weasel caught in a trap. Clad in massive spike shouldered armor and black leather,
they looked a formidable pair, particularly when viewing their opponents.
The Nut Sack N Legging Express was none other than Aradi's own Chaos Lord (tm)
and his friend, the legging trendsetter. Arrayed in jackets with girly tassels, one
sporting a huge nut sack, the other a set of hot pink leggings, Samwise thought the
match over before it even began.
The action in the ring began curiously. When the bell rang, the fierce-looking
pair began to beat their chests and yell taunts and insults at the Nut Sack N Legging
wrestlers. Yet, they did not advance. The Express wrestlers yawned and smiled in a
patronizing fashion. Beckoning the fierce-looking pair to "bring it on" lead to even
more chest-thumping, expletives, and taunting. But no action. Tired of the games,
the wrestlers of the Express began to advance on their opponents. The fierce-looking
duo took on a look of a deer in headlights, turned tail, and ran from the ring,
screaming elementary school girls who had spotted a mouse.
Shaking his head at the lack of fight in the fierce-looking duo, Samwise turned
his attention to Mean Gene, who was preparing to announce the next match.
** To be continued...**
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
The sun was just starting to set. The margarita was perfect. Just enough salt.
Just enough ice. TUM smiled on his hammock and broke into a lazy yawn. He'd been
stressed lately, but that was all behind him now. ETUM was gone. Gone in multiple
ways, oddly enough. There was time to breathe. It had been a too long since he'd
stopped and smelled the roses. Sure, there was a tourney coming up, but there was
time yet.
So why was there this tight pit in the bottom of his stomach?
Ack, he just worried too much, that was all. Nothing to worry about. A break
in the action was just such a unfamiliar feeling that it made him uneasy. He
scratched his head and craned his neck up to the straw jutting from the margarita on
his chest. Aaaah. That's more like it.
As he was about to lay his head back down (the most movement he'd done since
stretching out), a flash of movement caught his eye. He scrunched up, forgetting his
Margarita, which fell in icy rivulets over his shirt. "Shoot!" he yipped.
It was The Sentinel hurrying by, five of his warriors trying, unsuccessfully, to
keep up with him. "Where's the fire?" TUM called out. It was a stupid thing to say,
but LHI had been pretty heavy-handed when he mixed the Margaritas and TUM tended to
get pretty chatty after an LHI special.
Predictably, there came no response.
TUM wrung out his shirt. He contemplated going inside, but it was still so nice
and peaceful. Maybe just a little more rest.
Soultaker hurried by, another fivesome in tow. Then Lady E, looking lovely as
ever. What was everyone up to? And was there some pattern to the managers who were
out and about tonight. The aforementioned pit grew a little bit larger.
Some would have given up on recreating at that point, but TUM was a pro. He
ignored his nagging anxiety and laid back down. The hammock was so comfortable, and
the rocking motion was so soothing.
His last vision before sleep took him was of Manager, pausing during a walk up
the same path as the others, yet another five warriors on his heels. Manager shook
his head and scrawled something in his notebook. "Pathetic."
*****
TUMs return to consciousness was slow. He was first aware that it was a bit
colder. Then that he was still very sticky. It was dark. He stretched, rolled, and
promptly fell to the ground. "Oof. I guess it's time to get up already." Ding. A
bell went off. He jumped up. "Already...Alrady...ARADI!!!!"
He raced back into his house, panic all around him. "How do they expect me to
do this every two weeks!?! ETUM's gone! What the heck am I supposed to write about
this time???"
Mission accomplished for another two weeks....
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Soultaker ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
It had taken the better part of three days for Soultaker to smooth out Death
Stud's ruffled feathers. Contrary to the belief of many of the other managers in
Aradi, Soultaker did realize the value of keeping Stud as a partner in the TOGS. For
one of such diminutive stature, Stud was very capable of carrying enormous loads.
Soultaker had long thought of the puny patriarch as the "tiny ant that could".
Soultaker had spent years observing the number of managers that have ridden the Stud
hard and put him away wet. He has been ridden more times than the Aradi-mainland
ferry. The key to winning the TOGS was being able to get the most out of what little
you have to work with. In Soultaker's case having the Stud was really working with
little in so many ways.
Over the years, Soultaker had seen him mold a group of handicapped managers into
one of the most disorganized groups in the history of gladiatorial combat. He
chuckled every time the rabid runt would go into one of his tirades over being called
an alliance. Everyone in Alastari knew the FONZ was an alliance, whereas Stud tried
to convince everyone that they were only friends that hung out together. Of course,
Soultaker knew that it was an alliance because no group of friends would be this
complacent. The sad part was, as alliances go, the FONZ only gathered together twice
a year. Once was for the winter tournament and the other was for the TOGS. The
tournament was only an excuse to get away and party more then try and establish world
dominance like some of the other true alliances. TOGS competition was a different
story, this is where they hone and perfect their skills at treachery and coercion.
So every time one of the managers made comments about Soultaker being carried by
Death Stud, he would just smile and pat himself on the back for picking a winner.
Their words did not faze Soultaker, as he understood it was managers taking out their
frustrations, caused by their inferior capabilities. At the same time he prided
himself on being able to work well with the tiny tempest, he kicked himself in
arranging the pairing of Samwise and Mannequin. He well knew the abilities of the
killer dummy. Most people thought Mannequin nothing but an unthinking, unfeeling
dummy that you put clothes on, but they are finding there is more to the dummy. It
is true that he is unthinking and unfeeling, but he is more then a plaything to hang
clothes on. We have found that if you stand him in the corner and give him a tray of
drinks or appetizers he makes a fine party butler. Mannequin's secret was he was old
school trained and still followed the Dark Circle style of managing. On his own, he
was a formidable menace but matching him with Samwise (who is nothing more then a
mouthpiece for the junior member of the FONZ Sandman) presents serious problems.
When Soultaker talked the two into pairing up, he never expected they would work so
well together. Soultaker felt that Mannequin would never be able to function in a
structured contest with real rules. Soultaker was sure that the penalty for down-
challenging and having to communicate would be the undoing, but alas, Mannequin is
hanging tough. The Sandman wannabe seems to be far more capable of following through
with commitments. Soultaker was sure by the third round Sandman would have gotten a
hangnail or stubbed his toe and have to drop out. Samwise has also been able to meet
all of the writing requirements. Soultaker sighed as he realized he had created a
team of monstrous proportions.
Soultaker decided it was time to take a ride again. Opening the door, Soultaker
put his fingers to his lips and whistled loudly followed by loudly calling, "Hey
Stud."
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Bizzle ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Have you ever been hanging out with your friends and asked who would play them
in a TV movie about their lives? Well neither have I, but it might pass for this
week's spot so we will do so now.
Soultaker: Let's see, I think I would like to see scientists fuse Wilford
Brimley and Gilbert Gottfried to play Soultaker. It would be a watchable movie
though, I'll give Soulie that much.
Death Stud: Vern Troyer. Too easy.
Mannequin: Andrew McCarthy.... Not really one of my better ones, but he was
in the movie Mannequin.
Creepster: Sean Hannity. Yes Creepster, I feel good about this one because I
am insulting you and you are taking it as a compliment so I am satisfied.
Rillion: Daniel Radcliffe. But this film won't be released until like 2020 cuz
he is on contract for a few more films.
Lord Xiang: If anyone knew how to find him, of course it would be Billy Ray
Cyrus, baby.... Man did he have talent! Where did that guy go to?
Farmer boB: Does anyone else hear that music? Man, it's driving me crazy....
It sounds like a banjo?
Jekyll: Uh yeah, that would be some unknown actor and probably straight to
video....
TUM: Probably someone like Will Ferrel, only because he is one of the 'it'
funny men right now and not only have TUM's spotlights proven to be funny, but only a
comedic GENIUS would partner with LHI....
Cyber Punk: SCOTT SCHWARTZ FOR THE WIN, BABY!!! I know, you knew this was
coming didn't you CP? Hey, look at it this way, you wouldn't have owned those Jet-
Ski's if not for the checks from the movie. How was working with Richard Pryor
anyway??
My movie has already been made. Some 80's movie with Jamie Lee Curtis and John
Travolta called 'Perfect'. Man there were leg warmers flying all over the place in
that movie. Headbands and Jazzercise all up in ya.
On the other hand, I wonder what managers would star in what movies?
I don't know who would play Manager, but wouldn't y'all like to see him in the
Da Vinci Code? That number-crunching son of a dog would have made that movie last
only like 20 minutes. He would have rolled into the Louvre, jumped on to Terrablood
and would have rattled off the contents of the Codex in seconds.
I could also see LHI and Snotman in a version of Wedding Crashers. Heck, I'd
pay NON-MATINEE prices to go see that bad boy.
And sadly, Ganolus Oakleaf would star in King Kong. If I had a nickel for every
time I've seen that drunk bastard climb on furniture, houses, fountains etc. and swat
at bugs, cars, heck, even stuff that isn't there, I would be one rich manager....
Would you go see Ultraist Dynamite? I'm having trouble seeing him get picked on
in school, but I'm willing to bet you could pull off the dance scene at the end.
'Vote for Jekyll'
Well, that's all I have for now, and yeah, they were lame...but it's late.
-- Hombre
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Usual Suspects ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
"Thanks for coming over on such short notice, Samwise," said Mannequin as he
opened the front door for his friend.
"No problem. I was checking out some of the other TOGS teams when your note
arrived. Don't want any surprises once the contest begins, do we?" said Samwise.
"Funny you should say that, 'surprises'. I have always found Aradi to be full
of surprises. In fact, that is why I asked you to come over as soon as you could. I
have a surprise to share with you," Mannequin replied as he led Samwise down the
hall.
"Really? What kind of surprise?" asked Samwise.
"Don't you know already?" Mannequin quizzed.
"Know what? You haven't told me anything yet," said Samwise. He was nearly
trotting in his attempt to keep up with Mannequin.
Mannequin stopped and turned towards his partner. "You do remember our fishing
trip, don't you?
Samwise eyes grew wide with excitement. "Did you receive an answer? Are they
coming?" he asked.
"Yes," said Mannequin.
"Excellent! When will they arrive? If they get here soon enough you can enter
them in the Grand Tournament before TOGS starts," said Samwise.
"They are already here. They arrived early this morning and are working out in
the training yard," Mannequin replied.
"May the RUGS be blessed. How do they look? Do any of them seem to be blessed
in any way?" asked Samwise.
"I don't know. I haven't had enough time to evaluate them yet," said Mannequin.
He fixed his friend with a questioning gaze, "What do you know about these guys? How
did you know where to look for them?" he asked.
Samwise shrugged his shoulders. "Nothing, really. I heard through the
grapevine that we might be able to find some suitable recruits in that particular
area."
"Can you be more specific? Who gave you the information?" Mannequin asked.
"A friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend who works at the Aradi Resort & Spa," said
Samwise. "Is that important? I mean, if the information was correct what difference
does it make?"
"A big difference, which I am sure you will see when you meet my new guests,"
said Mannequin. He once again strode off in the direction of the training yard with
Samwise in tow.
It wasn't long before they were stepping onto the sands of the training yard.
The members of the newly formed Bikini Bottom guildhouse had been practicing their
moves with varying levels of success in Mannequin's absence.
"So, what do you think of Aradi's newest stable?" asked Mannequin.
"This is one of the strangest collection of warriors I have ever seen," said
Samwise. "An octopus, plankton, squirrel, star fish and a...what IS that?" he asked
as he pointed to the little warrior who was pummeling a punching bag with his
oversized foam hands.
"Sponge," said Mannequin.
"Interesting," said Samwise. "Do any of them have any experience in the arena?"
Mannequin shook his head. "No. I've asked them to practice the moves of
various styles so I can see what they might be good at. Care to help?"
"Sure, let's see what they've got," said Samwise. He pulled out his notebook
and prepared to write down his observations.
In the corner of the yard Squiggnerd was practicing with a quarterstaff.
Mannequin had suggested some wall-of-steel moves to him in order to take advantage of
his multiple appendages. He made a few lunging moves with the staff before beginning
a spinning defensive move. As he did so he tripped over one of his many tentacles;
the staff struck the ground before rebounding upwards, striking him in the face.
Mannequin winced.
"Maybe you should simplify things for him. He has nice reach; maybe he should
be a lunger," said Samwise.
Mannequin nodded. "How about the star fish?"
Samwise studied the large pink starfish. He was holding a halberd like a two-
year old with a fork. The weapon's size and weight seemed to pose no problem for him
at all. He stood before a dummy with spinning arms, still as stone. His eyes and
head moved in small, circular motions in time with the dummy's arms. He finally
raised the halberd above his head as he prepared to strike and was soundly struck in
the chest by one of the spinning arms. "Ooooh, that tickles!" he said.
"He doesn't seem to be very decisive. Maybe he should try some lunging moves as
well. At least he will be harder to hit if he's jumping around," said Samwise.
A loud commotion on the far side of the training yard captured Samwise and
Mannequin's attention. The little plankton was chasing a small flock of chickens
with a scimitar. He was laughing maniacally as he darted to-and-fro with snake-like
speed, removing heads in a shower of feathers.
"Striker," said Mannequin & Samwise in unison.
The squirrel seemed to know what she was doing as well. Armed with a short
sword, she was facing a dummy that moved side-to-side. She feinted one way, then
lunged the other towards the dummy. Her blow landed with a solid thud, piercing the
dummy in the groin.
Samwise involuntarily crossed his legs. "Ouch. May the Lords have mercy on all
the nut sacks in Aradi," he said. "She has the makings of a fine lunger."
Lastly he turned his attention to the little sponge. He was beating the
stuffing out of a punching bag with his large foam hands and feet. His blows were
delivered with purpose, though Samwise didn't recognize the style.
"He said it's called 'Ka-ra-te'," said Mannequin.
"Never heard of it," said Samwise. "Must be an aimed blow variation."
"His name is Death Sponge Squarepants. Does that ring a bell with you?" asked
Mannequin.
"No, can't say that it does," replied Samwise.
"Does he look familiar to you at all?" asked Mannequin.
"No, can't say that he does," said Samwise.
"Really? Look closely and think hard about it," Mannequin suggested.
Samwise stared closely at the little sponge as he continued his assault on the
punching bag. The moves did seem to be somewhat familiar, but different. His face
and build seemed to be familiar as well but he just couldn't seem to place it.
Samwise turned his palms up and outward in front of his body. "You've got me,"
he said.
"Ahhh ga ga ga ga ga!!!" laughed Death Sponge. He had delivered a blow that had
snapped the punching bag off the chain that held it in place.
Samwise froze. "Wait a minute," he said, "I've heard a laugh like that before!
It mimics the laugh Death Stud let out when he stabbed Soultaker in the back during
the Turf War!"
"Come on, we have to go," said Mannequin.
"Go? Go where?" asked Samwise.
"We have an appointment at the Aradi Resort & Spa," said Mannequin as he walked
back into the house.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ *** Listen to the Music! *** ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
It happened the day the sun came up. We didn't know it was going to happen...
but someone..or somethings did. The birds knew. You could hear them singing about
it. The dogs knew too...they were barking before the sun came up. And then it
happened. A new kind of bank opened. But really...how can a bank be new. I mean,
you put money in and you take it out. While the bank has it they do stuff with it to
make money. And they charge you fees. Lots of fees. Lots and lots of fees. But
anyway, the bank opened that day so I thought, "Why not deposit some money?" Well,
because I didn't. The birds had taken it. Or the cats. Or some other lame excuse
to cover up the fact that I had been smoking about a pound of weed every week and had
no job. So yeah, the cats took it. So that nixed the whole bank idea. Who needs
them anyway, right? I bet most people would have done better just sticking their
money under the mattress. Or maybe investing in foreign currency. But that probably
is something like a 20 year investment. You have to kinda wait for the economy over
there to stabilize and appreciate making the foreign currency worth more than it was
before. The dollar will be weaker against the foreign currency so that kinda gives
you the impression of appreciation of your foreign bucks. And it's fun to party
overseas where you don't understand a darn thing anyone is saying. Just more beer
please. Or whisky. Who knew that whisky was popular the whole world over. I guess
maybe the birds knew. They knew about the darn bank right? Fricking birds. Are
they psychic and all? All that flying in a V pattern has either done something
really good to the critters or something terribly evil. Maybe they are flying V
formations of death? Or maybe that's an Alfred Hitchcock book. I bet it would have
been better if those birds had know about the bank. I bet they wouldn't have been as
pissed off. But sometimes birds get pissed off and you just have to eat them.
Yes...eat them...what are you gonna do? Scold a bird? I don't think so. And they
are so darn uppity because they knew that the bank was on its way. Or was that the
dogs or cats? Crap. Maybe they all knew and I was the only one that had no idea.
So I guess all you really need is a bird, 20 years, and some investment capital to
try out the whole get rich slowly over 20 years plan. It's probably better than the
get rich quick plan. Because you always end up having to pay for those. I bet if
you went to the bank it would go like this:
Welcome to the bank that the birds knew about but you didn't.
Hey.
How can we serve you?
I'd like to open an account
With what? Your weed breath?
No, with your skinny little butt, lady!
I'd probably not get the toaster like that. Oh well, I hope I get a toaster
soon because the toast on the moon is fairly stale.
Just remember, "The rain in Spain falls mainly on my butt!"
LHI
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
----- ----- ----- Death Stud ----- ----- -----
The Search for Nuln's Missing "eth"
Death Stud, Soultaker and MGTUM (Mostly Good TUM) waiting anxiously along with
Nuln in the office of Arenamaster Harkon at the Gladiatorial Commission headquarters.
Soultaker and Death Stud had explained the situation with ETUM and MGTUM to Nuln and
arranged a little trap for the inter-dimensional megamanager who had recently wreaked
so much havoc and dissent in Aradi. Along with the managers was Arenamaster Harkon
himself and a diminutive woman in blue sitting quietly apart from the others. The
managers had approached the Arenamaster early yesterday with the evidence they had
regarding ETUM and his transgressions along with a plan to catch him in the act.
Harkon had been livid about ETUM's presence in Aradi and the toll that this had taken
on his people and his arena. Actually capturing ETUM and returning him to the EAradi
behind the mirror was something that required help from outside, however. In Aradi,
they had plenty of past experience dealing with all manner of strange beings, but
this was something altogether new. Now if this had been a drunken, talking goose;
jilted love-stricken bovine; dazed, violated chicken escaped from one of Aradi's
pleasure palaces; mangy, talking goat with bad teeth name Wayne King; brillo-topped
Chaos loser and his mommy; life-sized snot-being and associated snot-minions; rotund
human cueball and his angry, blood-thirsty demon of a wife; or something similarly
mundane then this would have been a simple matter. But, a duplicate megamanager with
limited social skills and a goatee? That'd be crazy talk to even consider dealing
with that without magical backup. Sitting perfectly at ease with her hands folded in
her lap, Sheila Greywand's emissary, the lady in blue, was there to ensure that
goatee order was restored to Aradi and ETUM banished back to Bizarro world.
The second story window of the Arenamaster's office looked down on the large,
open, main room where Aradi's managers conducted their business with the arena clerks
and scribes. Greywand's mage had woven an enchantment on the opening that would
allow Harkon and the managers observe the room below undetected and one that would
permit them to clearly hear everything below. None of the clerks or the guards had
been given any indication that anything was amiss so as not to arouse ETUM's
suspicion. Sometimes the person trying not to be obvious was the most obvious of all
and they could not afford to have this go wrong.
Suddenly Nuln squeaked at the window and tried to duck behind the sill despite
the spell protecting anyone from seeing into the room. "Psst, it's him. Or, it's
me. I mean not me, but it is ME. Still hiding behind the low window sill, back
against the wall, he poked up one wavering hand and pointed through the opening.
There, just inside the doorway of main room, was...Nuln. Or at least someone trying
hard to look like Nuln. You had to give ETUM some credit, as he had clearly done his
homework. He had apparently found an old Darth Vader costume at one of the seasonal
stores, complete with flowing cape and all. All decked out, but of course without
the Vader helmet, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference from less than ten
paces unless you had spent an uncomfortable amount of time with the real Chaos lord.
And, he had completed the ensemble with a pair of black galoshes with "Choas (tm)"
misspelled on each boot, just like Nuln's. That detail alone told you that ETUM paid
attention to the little things. He had dyed his hair black and somehow managed to
get it knappy and standing up in a carefully disorganized way. The only thing really
giving him away (besides the fact that the real Nuln was huddled in the fetal
position at their feet) was that this Vader-like galoshed Nuln was slightly shorter
than the real one. Oh, and the goatee.
ETUM turned to the 4'11" warrior that had come in with him and grabbed the new
gladiator hard by the arm. "Now, you do exactly like I told you nobody gets hurt.
That MGTUM gave you to Nuln to make up and I won't have him going around ruining my
newfound reputation. Plus, he acts like he's made some kind of grand gesture, but
everyone knows that little warriors suck and that big warriors are the best." The
warrior looked at ETUM wild-eyed with fear. This Nuln imposter was clearly crazy.
ETUM was perplexed, "Wait, that's the same here, isn't it?" The warrior looked at
him even more incredulously. "Oh, never mind. We are going to walk up there and you
are going to keep your mouth shut except for exactly what I told you to say. Are we
clear?" The tiny warrior shook his head in the affirmative. "The least I can do is
make sure that you get a real style, something powerful, to make sure that stupid
MGTUM's little 'gift' isn't a total waste with you ending up as a lunger or some
other dead end style." ETUM looked around furtively, then reached into his jacket,
pulling a small object from within and carefully placing it between his cheek and
gum. "Cometh on, lets goeth!"
Soultaker gasped audibly and exclaimed, "The eth! He has the eth."
Nuln jumped up and started towards the stairs until the Harkon held up his hand,
"Hold and let us see what he does."
Death Stud's knuckles whitened on the hilt of his sword, but he remained still
while MGTUM muttered a curse under his breath.
ETUM/Nuln had made his way to the new gladiator registration table with Nuln's
new prize recruit where a dour clerk dabbed his quill in the ink and asked dryly,
"Stable and manager?"
"Thateth would be meeth. Lord Woodfell, Nulneth, and thiseth warrior will
fighteth for mineth team, 4000eth Blows."
"Warrior's name and fighting style?"
There was an awkward pause before the scrawny new recruit caught an elbow from
ETUM. "Oh, um, that's me. Scrodlunk Spazzletab...."
The clerk tapped his pen on the parchment impatiently, "And?"
"And I, um," he shot a nervous glance ETUM's direction, "I um, fight with the
bashing attack style."
The clerk cocked an amused eyebrow at ETUM, then finally made the marks in his
ledger. There was mirth in his voice when he said, "Good luck to you, boy. You're
going to need it."
Suddenly, MGTUM ran out of the office and down the stairs with Death Stud and
the rest shortly behind. They circled around ETUM and the mage held him fast so he
could not try to bolt. Arenamaster Harkon read him the charges for the various
crimes he was accused of, crimes against the arena, city, and managers of Aradi.
ETUM was stripped of his nut sack and forced to spit out the eth. Nuln's eyes teared
up as he took the eth and carefully tucked it away in his nut sack. He wanted to
keep his eth safe, and would need to scrub some of the ETUM funk off of it before
putting it back in his mouth. The eth had clearly been used by ETUM too long to
qualify under the five second rule. Nuln caressed his nut sack lovingly, clearly
relieved to have his eth back. Aradi's Arenamaster told ETUM that he would be
banished back to where he had come from and that the portal would be sealed behind
him. There were some scattered cheers from the people in the room when they realized
what was happening and realized that this man had been the one causing all of the
troubles recently in Aradi.
Arenamaster Harkon and the mage led ETUM from the Commission offices and towards
the MGTUM's residence on the other side of the arena and the portal to send the evil
ETUM back. As they made their way through the streets of Aradi, citizens and
managers began following and the cry went up across the city. By the time they
neared the arena, a huge crowd had assembled and angry voices rippled through the
crowd. Several stones had been thrown already and Death Stud realized that this was
a tinderbox just waiting for a spark and had the makings of an ugly scene. A man
with a chicken under his arm waved his fist at ETUM and yelled, "Gawdarn you, other
dimensional alter-manager freak. We don' need yer kind 'round these parts!" Death
Stud began to plan how he could protect ETUM and the others long enough to get back
to the mirror and send them back or how he could escape safely if it came to that.
Nuln, on the other hand, had gotten himself whipped up into a frenzy with the
crowd, chanting and yelling at ETUM. His emotions finally got the best of him and he
swung his nut sack in a massive arc, whirling it overhead, and smacking ETUM directly
in the face with it. "Take that, you sumbeetch!" he screamed. With that, the spark
had been set to the tinder and the crowd surged forward, overwhelming Death Stud and
the others, including the mage. They all went down under the weight of the crowd,
fighting and struggling to regain their feet. The mob swarmed around ETUM with one
person after the other beating ETUM viciously with their nut sacks. The nut sacks
were of many differing sizes, shapes and textures. But no matter the size and shape,
every person in the crowd took their turn thrashing ETUM with their nut sacks. By
the time Death Stud and Soultaker recovered enough to disperse some of the crowd and
start to restore some order, there was nothing they could do. They found ETUM
lifeless and beaten, with hundreds of nut sack bruises and welts covering his face,
torso, and entire body. Each nut sack mark consisted of two marks side by side in
nut sack shape, like hundreds of eights of all different shapes and sizes. Death
Stud and Soultaker stood dazed as the final chapter in this sad tragedy came to an
end.
ETUM was laid to rest later that week after a closed casket ceremony attended by
few. He was interred in the Aradi Memorial Park alongside headstones for Manager's
Jurassic TOGS Victory, across from the mausoleum for Delarquan Hopes of Ever
Finishing Higher Than Tenth, and near the plaque commemorating the biggest choke of
all time and bearing the names of Rillion and The Greek Guy.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
interlude...or random musings of a mad woman
A-Sop's headache wasn't getting any better. What everyone knew was starting to
get on her nerves.
It wasn't enough that Manager was trying to kill all the other managers of TOGS
past and present, or that Soultaker had been "ponytailed" by her again, no; it was
time. Time seemed to be her enemy and the other managers seemed to be enjoying her
lack of it.
Yes, A-Sop knew she had a bit of a short fuse, but if things didn't start to
calm down, it was going to get even shorter. First there were the things she'd
committed to do. Then the things others committed her to. The worst was covering
the commitments others made then couldn't or wouldn't follow through on.
Now, she'd been reminded, there was a Face to Face coming up. While her
warriors wouldn't be attending, she would. There was of course that class, "How Not
to Ask Stupid Questions," but she knew from experience that some people just never
learned--no matter what they were hit with!
Things weren't going to be calming down, not for a while, probably a long while.
Now what?
Was going crazy an option? Somehow she didn't think so. No one would believe
it anyway. She might be mad but she wasn't mad!
Sleep had been mentioned, but that wasn't a strong suit for her either.
Hmmm, there was that argument she observed. It was typical of most of the men
she knew. Ask a woman how to get somewhere then argue with her when she gives him
the answer. Why did he bother to ask? If he didn't truly want the directions he
should have asked Tum-Tum, he didn't know the answer either.
Then there were all those clones running around replacing everyone. It was bad
enough when all the animals were replaced with Scrod, now the people were being
replaced with clones, gods, what a day--week--month--year--lifetime--whatever!
Why had she agreed to join TOGS? Yes, Lady E had asked her, but the gods knew
she didn't usually join in with things like that. No one would have been shocked if
she'd refused. Why hadn't she?
Then there was Death Stud, how in the world did someone that short think he was
going to pat her on the head? Even if she was sitting down? Death was definitely
too good for some people! Torture was a much better idea!
Yes, torture was a good choice, and she knew just when she could do it. Should
she? That question didn't even matter, it was expected and accepted. Would she?
Yes! After all when you have something that enjoyable, you should share it with
"friends"!
Maybe the Face to Face wouldn't be so bad after all. She'd get to see friends,
victims, acquaintances, victims, newbies, victims, enemies, victims, and other
assorted personages. Okay, so she wasn't going to be collecting any bounties, but it
still had possibilities.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ A Wretched and Stormy Day ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
"AaaagggHHH!" screamed Lady E. "What time is it? Oh, no, I've got less than an
hour to turn in my spotlight for the TOGS!! Why didn't you remind me? Gods, I don't
have time for this!"
"Calm down, Tiger," soothed her husband, knowing it was useless to try and
soothe his ranting wife. "We've all been busy with this strange alternate universes
connecting phenomena. My wizard friends are still working on the problem. And you
know how long it took to catch that damned curly haired guy chasing the warriors!
When has any of us had time to even catch our breath?"
"And that insane giggling of his," shuddered Lady E. "I'm going to kill Lord
Xiang for inadvertently dragging our spa into this. If he hadn't thought about this,
the phenomena wouldn't have drawn that nutcase into the resort with him! What
possessed him to even think of this guy?? You don't think Lord X dresses like that
secretly, do you? That nutcase was oiled all over his body and had sweat sprayed
over that like they do in commercials." Lady E's lovely features looked appalled at
the thought.
Her husband shrugged his shoulders. He had always thought his wife's friends
were on the strange side and no longer wondered at anything he heard about them...
especially during this TOGS thing. "I'll take care of spa business for this morning
while you finish your obligation to that crazy TOGS contest. Why you ever
volunteered in the first place for this, I will never understand." With that, he
gave Lady E a quick kiss on her mouth and teleported out of the room.
"I hate when he disappears in mid-kiss," grumbled Lady E. She sat at her desk
and stared glumly at her notepad. When she actually wrote her spotlight, it would
magically transfer to the Alastari Commission and appear in their newsletter...IF she
got it in on time that is.
She could always go on and on about her days these last two weeks. How she
escaped one assassination attempt, did a few massages and facials for her manager
friends, tracked down the assassins who killed Nuln's assistant, though they just
missed catching The Villain (tm per Nuln) again, did another commercial for the
Snottin' Pads...and boy, were sales just poppin' with all that snottin'...but who
would want to hear all about that.
Lady E was just about to give up and say the heck with it and who cared about
the -5 points for no spot, when Nuln popped his head into the room...yes, just his
head. Normally, Lady E would have been startled and screamed, but this was already a
bad week and nothing surprised her anymore.
"Hey there, Elyssia," Nuln's head grinned at her. He looked a bit disappointed
that he hadn't scared her.
"Hey, Nuln." Lady E got up from her desk chair and went over to Nuln's floating
head. Curious now, she poked at it with one finger. It thumped against Nuln's
forehead. He wasn't wearing his usual Chaos Helm (tm).
"OUCH! Watch it, will ya?" Nuln groused.
"Cool. I thought you were just an apparition, not actual flesh. How did you do
that?" Lady E asked.
"That is a trademarked Chaos secret (tm). But thank you, I am pretty proud of
having developed it...I still working on getting my Kurgan like neck to also
appear...that and my helm. I can't seem to get the Chaos Helm (tm) to come with me.
Just my head isn't really intimidating enough, don't you think?"
"Yeah, your face is too cute without the Kurgan like neck and body...and without
the Chaos Helm (tm), well, intimidation is definitely not the feeling generated when
I see you. You know, your eyes are striped...now that would be a bit intimidating if
only they weren't striped lime green and purple," Lady E peered closely into Nuln's
floating face. Then she tried pulling Nuln's head by his ears to see if he would
float along like a balloon on a string. Yep, there he was...bopping like some kind
of weird faced kid's balloon. She laughed.
"Now cut that out! I'm trying to be serious here! I've got some bad news!"
shouted Nuln in as gruffly masculine a voice as he could.
Lady E continued to giggle and pull Nuln's head in a circle around her. "I'm
sorry but you really look too funny. I don't think this new trick is going to work
intimidating people, Nuln, especially since you can also feel everything done to your
head. I wonder if I cut your face if it would show on your real face. Just think if
you startled someone and they took a swing at your head with an axe or knife or
something. YUCK!"
"Hmmm, you're right. Well, darn, back to the drawing boards. But seriously,
Elyssia, we have a problem. The Villain (tm) has nearly perfected my clone
technology. He's already made clones of some of the managers, though luckily Manager
has managed to kill most of them off in his little TOGS vendetta.
"Oh no! How will we be able to tell clones apart from the real ones?"
"I said nearly perfected. When the clones are cut or killed, there is a distinct
odor of rotten goat cheese. Evidently he hasn't been able to get rid of the smell in
the blood."
"So we can just cut them, and see if they're a clone or not and then what?"
"We kill them," Nuln said, a touch of subtle menace in his tone.
Lady E looked impressed. Nuln's intimidation factor was getting better. He must
have been practicing at home in the mirror again.
"But what if a manager just had eaten some goat cheese? We can't kill them if
we aren't sure that the manager just ate goat cheese or is merely a clone?" Lady E
said, her delicate brow crinkling in worry.
"We kill them anyway," said Nuln, grinning wickedly. "This is TOGS after all,
and real managers will come back. Clone managers won't. Besides, anyone who eats
goat cheese deserves to die."
Lady E rolled her eyes upward. This wretched and stormy day was not going to
get any better after all.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Spot that Almost Didn't Make It ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Rascally Rabbit paced the floor in his office at the Saab Story Guildhouse.
Sitting in a overstuffed chair watching him pace was Soultaker.
Rascally Rabbit: So you can both see that the rumors of my multiple deaths were just
that, rumors. I can confidently say that I am alive and kicking, and that there is
definitely only one of me in Aradi, or for that matter all of Alastari.
Death Stud: Thank gods for that....
Soultaker: Amen!
Rascally Rabbit: But enough of that, I called you here for another reason. I have
recently acquired some...for now we'll just call them artifacts, and information that
will finally free me from the lodestone that is hanging around my neck here in Aradi.
Soultaker: You mean you've finally found a way to unload the S&M club on some
unsuspecting twit, which will also free you from any attachments to Samwise.
Rascally Rabbit: My friend Soultaker, you are half correct; I have found a way to
eliminate Samwise from my various dealings in Aradi, and I have also found a way for
you to deal a blow to him yourself, that is if you are interested?
Soultaker: Why would I not be interested in harassing one of my greatest enemies?
Rascally Rabbit: Mainly because I know how tight you are with a penny, and this
venture will require that you loosen your purse strings considerably. But in the end
should prove to be extremely profitable.
Soultaker: So tell me more of this wonderful venture of yours that will foil the
infantile Samwise, and at the same time enrich my personal coffers.
Rascally Rabbit: You will buy half of the S&M club.
Soultaker: And why pray tell would I buy your half of the S&M club? Although it
would be extremely amusing to see the look on Samwise's face when I told him I was
his new partner.
Rascally Rabbit: No you EyeDeeTenTee (ID10T), I'm not selling my half. I want you
to buy the other half!
Soultaker: Impossible, there's no way Samwise will sell either one of us.
Rascally Rabbit: But that's the beauty of it, it's not his choice. Samwise doesn't
own the S&M club or any of the other holdings that everyone believes he does, he's
really just an employee for someone else we all know. I honestly believe that
Samwise has forgotten that he works for another. I'm truly surprised that you've
forgotten I'm sure that the real owner has told you all about it at one time or
another considering how close the two of you are.
Soultaker: Well as old as I am the memory does play tricks occasionally. So tell me
who this mystery friend is that owns Samwise? I can't believe that anyone actually
has chains on that blubbering fool.
Rascally Rabbit: I said he's a close friend to both of us. Which is one of the
reasons I was able to convince him to sell his percentage of the S&M club to you.
You know I really hated to see him leave The Brotherhood of the Blade (BOB) and join
the FONZ.
Soultaker: Oh!...My!!...Go...!!! I didn't realize (or remember) that he owned part
of the S&M Club, how did that happen?
Rascally Rabbit: Well to make a long story short. When Darkside retired he sold all
his stables and Guild houses to me, and then sold all the rest to Sandman. Sandman
didn't want his name associated with all the nefarious dealing that Darkside and my
self were involved in so he setup Samwise as the front man. I think sticking me with
Samwise was Sandman's way of getting even with me for a couple of our deals that went
sour, but that's another story.
Soultaker: Ah...now I understand, I always thought that Sandman was a little too
perfect. So do you know if the rumor that he buy's his Champion's victories in the
tourneys is true or not?
Rascally Rabbit: I've heard the same rumors, but my sources have yet to prove them
true, or false. But that is not important at the moment. What is important is that
he has agreed to sell you his half of the S&M club.
Soultaker: And how did you get him to agree to this?
Rascally Rabbit: First I played upon the close friendship that the three of us
share.
Soultaker: Obviously that wasn't enough to sway him
Rascally Rabbit: Then I told him you had agreed to pay him this sum for his half of
the club (RR passes Soultaker a slip of paper)
Soultaker: @#$%&...AAAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!! (Soultaker passes out)
Eventually Soultaker regains consciousness...
Soultaker: Are you out of your mind?
Rascally Rabbit: Not really, or at least I don't think I am??? This is a win-win
for you, just listen. You buy Sandman's half of the club for the agreed upon price,
if you don't like it I will buy your half for what you paid for it, plus 10 percent.
But if you keep it you won't regret it. Just think, you and me as partners!
Soultaker: So Sandman agreed to the price.
Rascally Rabbit: Not exactly, I had to provide some additional enticements to get
him to agree, but eventually he did.
Soultaker: SO what else did it cost me?
Rascally Rabbit: Nothing, I had to agree to let him take the picture over the bar.
Soultaker: You mean....
Rascally Rabbit: Yes, the one of Ivy in all of her nothingness. I'm sure Samwise
will be upset when I remove it later today.
Soultaker: And that sealed the deal.
Rascally Rabbit: Not really, what really pushed it over the top was when I
threatened to tell his wife how much he actually spent in the Arenas and Tourneys.
Soultaker: That's evil, only you would think to do something so low. OK you've
convinced me, what do I need to do.
Rascally Rabbit: I've already bought out Sandman, but I wanted to bring you in as my
new partner to twist the knife in Samwise just a bit more. All you have to do is
sign here, here, and here. That will complete the transfer of property to you and
cash to me.
Soultaker: Done, now what? Hold it a sec...what's that 49 mean?
Rascally Rabbit: Oh! It's nothing, don't worry about it. Let's head over to the
S&M Club and surprise Samwise in his secret room, when he had it installed I knew the
builder and had him ad a secret door right behind where Samwise likes to sit. After
we surprise him we can kick him out on his fat butt.
Soultaker: Good idea, let's go party. I get the fat one.
Rascally Rabbit: Who do you get to ghostwrite your stuff now a days?
SPY REPORT
Thankyouthankyou. It's great for me, The Unknown Spymaster to be back in ARADI.
Hope you enjoy the show. Oh, who am I kidding? I already got paid! Rising in the
ranks like a loaf of armored bread (okay, I admit it's corny) is BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS,
who swept up 16 places in the ranks. Take a look at DILLIGAF LEGION's act, as they
have a 3-2-1 week and gain 12 places in the team ranking. A seasoned team is steady
in the lists. But to MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4, which fell to 20th, it's what you soak in
before going to the Dark Arena. What goes up, must come down. Watch out ARADI!
GOIN' TUBIN' may fall on you as it crushes past the teams below it to fall on the
23rd spot. Advancing in the rankings was AARP who went from last turn's 22-23-1, to
this week's record of 25-24-2. Hey everybody, watch out for G DUBYAH, who flew up 21
points in the rankings after mashing CLAPTON like a melon. Keep your eye on this
guy. And falling like a basher in the top ten was STORM, who dropped 13 points after
a disappointing (to say the least) bout with SHMAMY CROCKETT. Drawing on all of his
experience as a 11-8-1 warrior, PANTHER went for the Duelmastership against ONE-TIMER
this week. Well, everybody's pal ONE-TIMER moved his record to 31-6-0 by defeating
PANTHER in the Duelmaster's Title Bout and gaining 7 recognition points. Can you
believe they are paying me 10 gold to deliver this stuff?
But enough of that bunch, let's get on to the wimps who like to avoid battle!
Did you hear that DEATH STUDS VII was most avoided team this week? Well, knowing the
personal hygiene of DEATH STUDS VII's warriors, I'm not surprised! Okay, so I may
not be funny, but catch CRAZY CREEPS' act in the arena. Those acrobats seem to be
fairly deft at running from DEATH STUDS VII. Well dang howdy, but if challenges were
votes, WHISTLE PIG would be president. Although it may be a contest he doesn't want
to win. Challenging down 70 points was FALCON XLI. Pretty soon he'll be using two
shields and selling 'T.P.: The only way to clean up' pins. Definition of petty:
FALCON XLI overcame VOLMAX, a mismatch of 70 points. Was it guts or an overtaxed
mental capacity that had HOLLY SKULL challenge up 27 points in the rankings to take
on NAPPY DUGOUT? To the crowd's chants of 'Bo-zo bo-zo bo-zo', NAPPY DUGOUT was
taken out by the lower-ranked HOLLY SKULL. (Maybe it's time to think Dark Arena?).
In a touching display by a 'touched' warrior, HARSIESUS went after SUNSHINE, who was
higher by 22 points. Well, when the dust settled, HARSIESUS was defeated by
SUNSHINE. RUKGAZ of DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 had better have a good reason for
challenging down 14 points in a TV challenge which it lost. I thought RUKGAZ showed
great skill and promise when it was bested by HYDRO ON THE D-LO. All right, so I
slept through it! Big deal!
Remember that an arena is not always a safe place to be, but it is one of the
most interesting, though! Big deal, so GOOFY got mashed in the Dark Arena. With his
face he was more at home with the trolls than with us. (Waka waka). This week 7-12-1
GRAFFIX was sent to the Dark Arena. I know a lot of fighters with similar records
who might take notice of this. Well, just when you thought it was safe to put a new
warrior in the arena. No no! CLAPTON, a mere boy, was slain by G DUBYAH this turn.
For those of you who missed it, Death showed up, grabbed INIGO by the ear and took
him away to a place where he won't need a coat. Congrats to STORM FIRE for revenging
the death of his teammate (but more importantly, feeding TYVIN LXIX a bit of dirt).
Remember: alliances are great, but try and take your ally in the arena with you and
see what happens.
I think I had better cut this one short. It's been nice chatting to those of
you whom I have not offended yet. C'mon, Leadfoot, let's make some tracks. Its been
fun, and I'm sure you enjoyed it (boos). Now that I've got you worked up for Snide
Clemens, I'll be leaving-- The Unknown Spymaster
DUELMASTER W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
ONE-TIMER 7169 31 6 0 120 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
DERALD 7285 13 7 0 132 4000 BLOWS (107)
SEHENSTES 7339 15 11 2 109 VOUGEOOT (464)
HOLLY SKULL 7276 18 15 0 101 CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
PANTHER 7320 11 9 1 101 SILENT WARRIORS (561)
NAPPY DUGOUT 6080 24 27 1 100 WILD CARDS (148)
VOLMAX 7592 5 3 0 97 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
WARAGEN 5573 17 7 0 96 SAAB STORY (389)
HURRICANE XXXVII 7379 11 9 2 96 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
SHMAMY CROCKETT 7216 13 7 0 93 4000 BLOWS (107)
TINY TIM 6042 12 4 0 93 CRAZY CREEPS (207)
SMIRLIN 6568 18 15 0 92 OGRES ARE US (270)
CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
TAY STARLE 6808 12 11 2 83 WING HOVE (529)
JIM PANZI 7382 9 7 0 83 FUNKY FOLK (565)
MOUSE 7318 8 13 0 82 SILENT WARRIORS (561)
IN PARI DELICTO 7283 19 23 1 81 LEGALESE (449)
G DUBYAH 7611 5 4 1 79 DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
BLOODLUST MUTE 7701 5 3 0 75 SILENT WARRIORS (561)
STORM 4741 12 8 0 74 ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
MALT-O-MEAL 7527 9 1 1 71 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
CHALLENGER ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
SYDA HAMMIE 6667 15 11 0 66 OGRES ARE US (270)
SNOW WHITE 7486 8 7 0 65 CRAZY CREEPS (207)
SONETT 7088 9 2 2 64 SAAB STORY (389)
VIPER LXXI 7566 7 4 0 64 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
SILENT SPOCKER 7700 7 1 0 63 SILENT WARRIORS (561)
PINTO BEANS 7531 7 6 0 63 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
JAMIS 6735 10 14 1 61 WING HOVE (529)
COBRA XXI 7725 5 1 0 61 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
BUTTERFLY 7338 14 6 0 60 CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
DR. FEELGOOD 7130 7 8 0 58 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
SPAM SANDWICH 7524 6 4 0 58 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
HURTICANE 4740 8 5 0 57 ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
HYDRO ON THE D-LO 7642 7 3 1 57 THE BIZZLE (593)
SUNSHINE 7593 6 3 0 57 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
LEG WARMER LUST 7717 5 2 0 56 4000 BLOWS (107)
PHREAK 7327 12 18 0 54 THE MISGUIDED (559)
HYQ 7388 11 10 2 53 VOUGEOOT (464)
ETTIN 7600 6 4 1 53 DILEN'S HORDE (587)
JAVA 7779 5 1 0 53 THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
STORM FIRE 7597 4 2 1 53 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
ERRA EVAD 7652 4 3 0 53 VOUGEOOT (464)
LIMA BEANS 7530 9 3 0 52 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
MYSTERY 7354 12 15 0 51 THE MISGUIDED (559)
HOLSTIEN HEAVEN 7674 7 2 0 51 CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
JACK THE RIPPER 7487 7 6 0 51 CRAZY CREEPS (207)
KARMA CHAMELEON 7636 7 3 1 50 ATLAS PARK (592)
VENREK 7477 7 5 0 49 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
DERRIN 6952 9 12 0 47 WING HOVE (529)
CHIM RICHALDS 7491 4 10 1 47 4000 BLOWS (107)
FALOPIAN 7498 4 5 0 47 GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
NIGHT HAG 7598 7 3 0 46 DILEN'S HORDE (587)
ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083 6 5 0 46 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
SUGAR BOTTOMS 7690 5 1 1 46 BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
RUKGAZ 7564 4 2 0 46 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
HOSCHA 6835 9 11 0 45 OGRES ARE US (270)
WALMART GREETER 7576 5 5 0 45 AARP (583)
TYVEK 7478 4 4 0 45 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
PIZNAUL JIZNOKE 7641 6 4 1 44 THE BIZZLE (593)
AQUA NETTA 7775 4 2 1 44 THE BIZZLE (593)
ANALISE 7544 9 5 0 42 ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
VAS DEFERENS 7534 8 4 0 42 GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
MANDA 7546 8 6 1 41 ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
CEPL 6666 5 5 0 41 OGRES ARE US (270)
SUTTY 7685 5 4 0 40 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE 7639 5 5 0 40 THE BIZZLE (593)
SPINACH 7789 4 1 0 39 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
LOOSE DENTURES 7573 4 6 0 39 AARP (583)
KRAKEN 7679 3 6 0 39 DILEN'S HORDE (587)
THE AVENGING SCROD 7649 6 1 1 38 4000 BLOWS (107)
OSO 7682 5 4 0 38 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
-CRUSADER 7625 3 3 0 35 DARK TOADS (590)
NINJA 7357 6 8 0 34 SILENT WARRIORS (561)
THALIA 7547 5 9 0 34 ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
CHALLENGER INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
-CIALIS 7659 5 3 1 33 AARP (583)
HARSIESUS 6871 5 3 1 33 INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
SMALL INTESTINE 7535 5 9 1 33 GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
BOSTON TERRIER 7638 5 5 0 33 ATLAS PARK (592)
DEATH SPONGE 7692 4 2 0 33 BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
MEALS ON WHEELS 7575 4 6 1 32 AARP (583)
STARLING 7630 8 3 1 31 BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
BIN LADEN 7646 6 4 0 31 DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
FRANK 7484 7 9 0 30 THE MISGUIDED (559)
WHITE WITCH 7542 7 3 0 30 CRAZY CREEPS (207)
DE NOVO 7567 5 7 1 30 LEGALESE (449)
COYOTE 7626 6 5 1 29 BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
FUN IN THE BARN 7673 6 3 0 29 CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
DERS 7683 5 4 0 28 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
RACOON HAMMER 7709 5 2 0 28 WILD CARDS (148)
ZEROSE 7741 4 2 0 28 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
ANTHRAX 7669 3 3 0 28 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
MACS 7797 3 2 0 28 THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
PRIVATE PARTS 7798 4 1 0 27 ATLAS PARK (592)
CONDI 7613 3 3 0 27 DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
ASGARD 6892 2 3 0 27 INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
MADONNA 7780 3 3 0 26 THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
SIGMOID COLON 7533 3 5 0 26 GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
B.C. GOLD 7787 2 3 0 24 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
SQUIGGNERD 7694 4 2 1 22 BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
FLAMENCO A GO-GO 7662 4 5 0 21 ATLAS PARK (592)
YELLOW JACKET 7627 3 8 1 21 BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
GREEN DISEASE 7718 2 4 1 21 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
NATALIA 7790 2 3 0 21 ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
-TRINITY 7734 2 2 0 20 DARK TOADS (590)
HOWLER 7602 2 8 0 20 DILEN'S HORDE (587)
3D'S NOT L33T 7833 2 0 1 19 WILD CARDS (148)
KREE 6870 3 2 0 18 INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
HOFFA 7713 4 1 0 17 BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
TIGER TY 7665 4 4 0 16 WING HOVE (529)
-RAZE 7732 2 1 0 16 WRECKING CREW (598)
BRAE'TAC 6895 3 2 0 15 INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
ANNIE MULL 7793 2 1 0 15 FUNKY FOLK (565)
RESPECT THE PACKAGE 7832 2 0 0 15 WILD CARDS (148)
THE LBA 7810 3 1 0 14 THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
-TEMPLAR 7622 1 5 0 14 DARK TOADS (590)
-HEAVEN 7735 1 3 0 14 DARK TOADS (590)
DEATH FONZ 7823 2 1 0 13 DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
FOSKIE 7837 1 1 0 13 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
STONE COLD NUTS 7848 1 0 0 13 WILD CARDS (148)
DOA 7773 3 2 0 11 SAAB STORY (389)
NINE HUNDRED 7681 3 2 0 11 SAAB STORY (389)
RITALIN 7846 1 0 0 10 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
DOLP 7838 1 0 0 10 VOUGEOOT (464)
GENOH 7847 1 0 0 10 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
ROLEX 6375 1 0 0 9 WORDS THAT ENDIN X (507)
PINK 7809 2 1 0 8 INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
DAYNE 7826 2 1 0 7 WING HOVE (529)
BIG DEAL 7811 1 3 0 7 OGRES ARE US (270)
WHISTLE PIG 7806 1 4 0 7 BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
ASHI 7802 1 4 0 7 THE MISGUIDED (559)
BOTOX 6376 0 1 0 7 WORDS THAT ENDIN X (507)
ONE HOT BABE 7816 1 3 0 6 ATLAS PARK (592)
PESMERGA 7813 1 3 0 6 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
HAMBURGER HELPER 7821 1 2 0 5 CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
NUTCRACKER 7824 1 2 0 5 ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
ROXX 7825 1 2 0 5 THE MISGUIDED (559)
9000 7772 0 5 0 5 SAAB STORY (389)
-KRUSHER 7786 1 1 0 4 WRECKING CREW (598)
-DEMOLITION MAN 7733 0 3 0 3 WRECKING CREW (598)
MORPHINE 7831 0 2 0 2 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
MAGMA 7835 0 2 0 2 ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
RICKON 7830 0 2 0 2 DILEN'S HORDE (587)
MISER KRABS 7839 0 1 0 1 BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
COWBOY 7843 0 1 0 1 ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
DEAD STUB 7841 0 1 0 1 DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
-X-OUT 7818 0 1 0 1 WRECKING CREW (598)
'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.
THE DEAD W L K TEAM NAME SLAIN BY TURN Revenge?
RUG SACRIFICE 12 7844 0 1 0 AARP 583 MARINE TROLL 18 393 NONE
OXYGEN TANK 7574 7 2 0 AARP 583 HURRICANE XXXVII 7379 392
INIGO 7545 6 8 0 ARADI RESORT & SP 580 AQUA NETTA 7775 393
CLAPTON 7691 5 1 1 BIKINI BOTTOM 596 G DUBYAH 7611 393
PORN STARR 7693 3 2 1 BIKINI BOTTOM 596 CIALIS 7659 392
BIG POPPA 7820 0 3 0 THE BIZZLE 593 MARINE TROLL 18 393 NONE
DEAD DUDE 7845 0 1 0 THE BUNKHOUSE 595 STONE GOLEM 26 393 NONE
WILSON FERGUSON 7686 3 4 0 THE BUNKHOUSE 595 ETTIN 7600 391
GOOFY 7488 5 10 0 CRAZY CREEPS 207 MARINE TROLL 18 393 NONE
GANMBRE 7842 0 1 0 DEMONS OF DARKNES 430 DARK CHAMPION 24 393 NONE
TYVIN LXIX 7648 3 3 1 DEMONS OF DARKNES 430 STORM FIRE 7597 393
SAUSAGE BOWL 7794 2 1 1 DILEN'S HORDE 587 SQUIGGNERD 7694 391 REVENGED
HILLARY 7647 1 5 0 DILLIGAF LEGION 589 SUGAR BOTTOMS 7690 389 REVENGED
CARNAGE 7792 0 1 0 FUNKY FOLK 565 STONE GOLEM 26 393 NONE
CORY YANDER 7791 0 1 0 FUNKY FOLK 565 STONE GOLEM 26 393 NONE
THE DEAD W L K TEAM NAME SLAIN BY TURN Revenge?
URETHRA 7834 1 1 0 GOIN' TUBIN' 577 MEALS ON WHEELS 7575 393
EUSTACHIAN 7499 4 5 0 GOIN' TUBIN' 577 GRAFFIX 6909 391 REVENGED
MISS UNDERSTOOD 7301 12 18 0 THE MISGUIDED 559 FALCON XLI 7341 390 NONE
GRAFFIX 6909 7 12 1 MY BEST BUDS 2 542 STONE GOLEM 26 393 NONE
MARY JANE 7173 3 4 0 MY BEST BUDS 2 542 STARLING 7630 393
YUBER 7812 1 2 0 SUPERIOR FORCES 1 586 TYVIN LXIX 7648 392 JUST REV
CALDER 7784 0 2 0 THIRSTY THUGS 600 HARSIESUS 6871 389 NOT REVE
CELA'S 7829 0 2 0 VOUGEOOT 464 BORED ELF 19 393 NONE
LOS ABE'S 7828 0 1 0 VOUGEOOT 464 3D'S NOT L33T 7833 392
TECHNISQUID 7708 2 3 0 WILD CARDS 148 GREEN DISEASE 7718 391 JUST REV
NULN'S NUTSACK 7782 3 2 0 WILD CARDS 148 SONETT 7088 392
POWDERED UNDERCH 7785 0 3 0 WILD CARDS 148 YELLOW JACKET 7627 391
BOX 6377 0 1 0 WORDS THAT ENDIN 507 SEA MONSTER 27 393 NONE
PERSONAL ADS
A couple of notes from your Ed.
First, you'll note, or maybe you won't, come to think of it, a bit less
editing for coherency this turn. I've been feeling cruddy all week and that's
one of the results. Hopefully things'll be better next time around.
About the evil, creativity stifling censorship (my specialty).
<wetblanket>I hope you realize that the more you try and slip stuff through, the
more likely I am to arbitrarily decide something is not acceptable. Also,
realize that I do keep a list beside my computer of things I've changed in past
turns so I can CONTINUE to change them on subsequent turns. If I'm going out of
town, I'll send that list to Temp. Ed. I do TRY to be consistent in my
inconsistency....</wetblanket> -- Ed.
P.S. And a reminder, ads and spots should go as PLAIN TEXT (not attached
files, not HTML) to ads at reality dot com with an extra copy sent to me at
TOGS at solberg dash mathews dot com just in case HAL is hungry.
Pauly -- I don't know, but I'm guessing Pauly from Rocky is much more manly (or macho
as you Aradian's are so fond of saying) than Pauly Shore. I mean Pauly Shore isn't
even capable let alone equipped for carrying a nut sack.... -- Ultraist
Street Legal -- Nice spot! However, despised as the gators are, we Wildcats dislike
the Vols & Cards more. BTW, are the Wolverines healed up after the last thrashing by
the Buckeyes yet? I'd wager the Lions and Wolverines combined won't have as many
wins as the Bengals or Colts next season. -- Ultraist
Lord Xiang -- Boring spotlight. No real action. Even the innuendo was lacking. And
for a Larq--no killing. Even Manager (Mr. Knight of the White Lily) killed someone,
though we all know he is full of fiction. -- Ghoti
Soultaker -- Visually and in person I don't know a soul in DM...er D2. I have to go
by what I read. -- Ghoti
P.S. Glad to hear my typing is not a total waste.
One-Timer -- You are a cute little thing. I enjoyed getting my hands all over you.
But I didn't expect you to cheat. Did you have to let Death Stud coerce you into
such inappropriate actions? And to think, I thought you were a man? -- Tiny Tim
Mr. tiny Death Stud -- Why did you only give poor Creepster and even poorer Manager a
mere 5 points for spots for turn four? Both spots were in the newsletter, and both
were plenty long? They should have gotten 10 big ones. Are you mad because the
Aradi Free Press gave you the deserved pink pantaloon? It is pretty important that
you be fair, even though you are in the FONZ. -- Crazy Creeps Scribe.
See, Studly udly pontiferonious! Ugga wugga lumpa lopperific! Deather Studmuffin
bim bam bagel done messy massy moe! -- The Creepster
Ganolus -- Sorry about the misdirection of the white headband. Ghoti can keep his as
that is the only one he is likely to earn. Here is another for you. (You don't mind
if Soultaker used it this morning for his workout do you?) We apologize for the
error. -- The Award Winning Aradi Free Press Editor
What?! Death Stud and Ganolus BOTH apologize for their ads in Aradi? They say not
to take offense to what is said in TOGS.... Always nice to see FONZERS talking out
of both sides of their mouths. What dweebs! What dorks! The Crazy Creeps want it
very clearly understood that they mean everything they say! Period! Well, except
for the part when we term The Stud small. He's really very tiny. -- Crazy Creeps
Scribe
Darrin -- Perhaps you are speaking to the wrong Tiny Tim? Dickens may have loved
his, but until he heard my "Tip Toe Through The Tulips" he hadn't heard anything.
Love ya, man. -- Tiny Tim
Indimar -- No, no, both, yes. Pray for him. -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe, answering
directly for the great Creepster
Nuln -- Thanks. No I do not take payment in scrod, but I will take it out of your
axx if it is not good hard cash. Capiche? -- The Crazy creeps Scribe
CACftDoS -- I understand your comments. I can see your disdain as I understand that
no FONZer honors a contract. Clearly even mean and maniacal demons have more honor.
-- Pandora Of The Pretty Legs
Fashionable? Yes, indeed. That's us Crazy Creeps. Thanks, Nuln. -- All The Crazy
Creeps (Celebrating Nuln's announcement that we were fashionable)
The Avenging Scrod -- I'm a White WITCH and as The Queen Of Aradi, I can be any
gender I want. Get it? What? You're not ambidextrous? -- White Witch
One Hot Babe -- Well, you WERE on the very bottom of the Aradi listings at 0-1. That
makes you the worst. Facts are facts. But we do think you are HOT and we are
interested in some action. -- The Award Winning Aradi Free press editor
Samwise -- Smelly welly upitty duppity supercalifragileronious and up up upper
yoursie! -- The Creepster
Snotman -- Surely you jest? The Aradi Free Press is not a free subscription.
Written for the FREE by the FREE, but not for free. Get it? I'd suggest that you
look closer at your account withdrawals. And we thank you for your subscription.
Fine customers like you are hard to get rid of. -- The Award Winning Aradi Free Press
Editor
All -- The Creepster asked me to report that he subscribes to the Soultaker "pick a
partner to carry me to the winner circle" method. You know--check astrological data,
go see Madame Cassandra for a palm reading, examine the entrails of 3 chickens and 1
pig, open 15 fortune cookies--then pick anyone but Manager. But somebody had to
"give one" for Team Aradi. The Creepster deserves a medal of honor for his valor. --
The Crazy Creeps Scribe
Death Stud -- Enjoy your well-earned pink pantaloon. We expect more out of the best
no matter how small they act. -- Editor, Award Winning Aradi Free Press
Racoon Hammer -- That was such a pleasure. I knew you were mickey mousey and I
pulled the old scrooge mcduck routine and voila! -- Goofy
Spinach -- You will rue the day you messed with The White Witch. Winter is coming
for you. -- White Witch
Oooo, that sounds good! Can I have some winter? -- Ed., ready for summer to be
over already
Cobra XXI -- I am happy, and you seem grumpy, so tell your dwarf manager not to mess
with the pretty princess. Have a nice day. -- Snow White
Hydro On The D-Lo -- So what's new? I only kill the good ones. -- Jack The Ripper
All -- I promised to catch up this time, so here's to keeping my word. -- Lady A
Lady Pandora -- I understand, however I think Soultaker has mastered the art of
talking until everyone agrees just to get him to shut up. -- Lady A-Sop
Lordy! Nuln -- So much for a stomach lining...gallons of coffee??? That'll kill ya!
Wait a minute, maybe you've got something better than tar and feathers there.... :>
After reading and skimming the spots from this TOGS you actually think there's a
chance in H*** I'm going to go back and read the spots from previous TOGS?!?!?!?
What are you thinking with? -- Lady A
P.S. I do miss Goose though.
Ed. -- I thought you were paying off all the "bad Karma" from last lifetime. -- Lady
A
Surely I'm done with that by now? -- Ed., wistfully
TUM -- I'd prefer you challenge Manager. -- Lady A
Manager -- Just because it's currently out of fashion shouldn't stop him, the true
test is can he carry it off. -- Lady A
Rillion -- A small novel is a novella, not to be confused with a novena, which many
warriors could use. -- Lady A
Ghoti -- You remember Miles? That's a ways back. -- Lady A
All -- Now for this cycle. -- Lady A
Dilen's Horde -- That's quite profound. -- Lady A
Seraphim -- Give my best to your wife. Good luck with the school and move. Are you
both still going to make Baltimore? -- Lady A
Artimis -- Talk faster, Pandora can still understand you.... -- Lady A
Soultaker -- I just heard your theme song again, "The Man Song." I'm sure Lady
Pandora would approve. -- Lady A
Death Stud -- If a man wants a woman.... -- Lady A
Hombre -- Unfortunately my challenge to you did result in you winning, but it was
close, I got the riposte I was looking for but my warrior just was not able to take
advantage of it. Next time you should pay attention to who you challenge because
some managers take huge down challenges such as the one you issued to me personally.
Fortunately I have been able to make your partner pay twice now for your teams'
challenges. -- Rillion
Ganolus -- Bigger scrod to fry? You mean you are challenging the TOGS leaders? But
they are FONZ managers and there has been a noticeable lack of FONZ vs. FONZ
challenges. So go sell your lies elsewhere buddy. -- Rillion
Snotman -- Sorry to disappoint you but without TGG here to carry me there was never
any chance of a great TOGS for me. So petty revenge is what I will go with this
time. Now if I can just remember to do my ads and spotlights. -- Rillion
This is just an ad in case I forget later -- Manager
Jekyll -- Of course you have amnesia. Who would want to remember the butt kicking we
put on the Midnight Foundation. Let me refresh your memory. You and the other Girl
Scouts from MF came to Valamantis did a 4 for 1 on Pauly and did what you do best
(ran your pieholes). So Hombre and I showed up on scene to even the score.
Unfortunately for you we did more than even the score, we flat out dominated your
sorry buttes. Three kills and 100% record later you showed everyone the kind of
cowards you were when you left with your tails between your legs. I told you before
I showed up that I would own your alliance and did just that. You then cried to RSI
and the Spy Reporter that I was affecting your role playing and got me censored
because I said I was the "CEO" of your pathetic excuse for an alliance. You talk a
decent game but can you back it? Here's your chance, come on back to 62, bring your
Aluminum Council with you. I GUARANdarnTEE you won't show up. Luckily for you
there's two weeks between turns so you'll have more than enough time to come up with
excuses why you'll not show. Fortunately for you TOGS is going on and you have the
luxury of hiding here in Aradi. -- Elephant
P.S. Have a great day and be sure to say hi to Bird for me, I always liked him even
though he was a MFer.
Tidbits From The Award Winning Aradi Free Press:
FONZ = Frustrated Orangutans Nurturing Zebras
Samwise needs two proxies for The Face.
Ed. indicates she wants far more than 31 edited TOGS pages.
One-Timer was detected on top of Tiny Tim.
Consortium Elders are purple shaded men.
Ultraist is confused. (again)
A widely grinning Mannequin crashed Sausage Bowl's funeral.
The secret Aradi codeword is WHOOSHCRACK.
Soultaker again won at shuffle board last week.
Once a MFer, always a MFer.
Pauly is a weird, weasely, goofy rocky movie guy.
Seraphims's wife's aircraft carrier had minor maintenance surgery.
Primary Election results - Team Two Dies? No = 1.3%; Yes = 98.7%
FONZ = Fumbling Old Neanderthal Zits
Ultraman fought a giant gamecock and lived.
Suave doesn't even run here.
Rascally Rabbit Won To Many This, Won Too Many That.
Snotman communicates at a 12-year-old level.
This is a paid obligatory ad by LHI.
Soultaker writes with both ignorance and slyness.
TUM, TUM, do you know the way to San Jose?
Manager likes popcorn and won the TOGS back in The Dark Ages.
Malt-O-Meal and Clapton both lost to fights just before TOGS.
You Might Be A Pansy Andorian--was disqualified for length.
Jekyll and Ultraist were arrested for foot fetish in Andoria.
Not hardly! -- Ed., not THAT much of a mashochist!
boB -- Nuln is not washed up. He would never touch a wash cloth. -- Mr. Clean
Andorians may be short, but Delarquans have no length. -- A Famous Death Stud Quote
The 5th round awards for spots by The Award Winning Aradi Free Press are:
Blue Bonnet (1st) 22 Short Films by Snotman
Red Bandanna (2nd) Manager's 6 Year Reunion
White Headband (3rd) Xiang's Day Off
Pink Pantaloon (last) Killer Insidious Chicken Troops LHI
Pink Pantaloon (last) The Hombre Bizzle
You might be a Delarquan if: You can't come up with 31 reasons why someone might be
a pansy Andorian and lose 5 points because of it.
Crazy Creeps -- That's coming in a future edition of TOGS stats! -- Manager
Death Stud -- I admit your last two attempts have been much, much better! Turn 391
was hilarious. -- Manager
TUM -- Well, I guess we all have to start somewhere... -- Manager
Soultaker -- Anyone but me? No wonder it took you 4 attempts to finally win TOGS. I
won it on my first attempt, you know. -- Manager
P.S. I'm my favorite BOB member, too!
Worthless TOGS Stat of the Day:
===============================
Top Team Performances (By W/L Percentage)
---------------------
1. Rage Man & DeGotti (TOGS IV): 82-43 (65.6%)
2. Hombre & Ganolus (TOGS III): 80-50 (61.5%)
3. Death Stud & Soultanchor (TOGS IV): 78-50 (60.9%)
4. Manager & Miles (TOGS I): 89-58 (60.5%)
5. Shadowgate & Yukon (TOGS IV): (57.4%)
Interesting Notes:
-- The TOGS II Champs actually had a combined record under .500.
-- Team 2 is in position to challenge Rage Man & DeGotti and overtake the #1 spot.
-- TOGS IV was very well played.
I am really losing my mind. I am posting this cause I don't recall posting one
earlier...but am sure I did. -- Ghoti
If you're losing your mind you're in...I won't say good, but plentiful company.
-- Ed.
I made some tough choices for challenges this turn. Could be a bit rough on my team.
-- Ghoti
See you all at the Face, this is the last chance to post beforehand. -- Ghoti
All -- Considering I've been slack these last few turns about my personals, and
considering I have some spare time this time out, I thought I would catch up on my
replies. -- Lord Xiang
For T390:
Blue Beanie -- Congrats on the throne. Why no DM column? -- Lord Xiang
Eureka -- What/Who is the Stagor Alliance? -- Lord Xiang, still trying to get re-
oriented after a 5 year hiatus.
Soultaker -- I see it doesn't take much to keep you entertained! -- Lord Xiang, not-
so-great-at-writing-spots
Lady E -- Looks like you've been taking the same kind of approach I had towards
personals. *grin* Last minute entries aren't the most conducive to more than a
brief ad. -- Lord Xiang
Last minute is better than last split second! -- Ed.
Lady A -- *sigh* And I had such high hopes, too! *grin* Appreciate the forwarding!
-- Lord Xiang
Chim Richlds -- I think the reason you didn't get to operate on me was because my
insurance declined to cover the expense! *grin* -- Oxygen Tank
Aradi Free Press -- We wear our Pink Pantaloons with definite, um, did you say,
pride? -- AARP
LHI -- Bring more than a walking stick! Bring a walker, wheelchair, motorized
scooter, etc. I have a feeling you'll wind up having to cut our food for us (at
least you won't have to puree it...yet). -- Lord Xiang and AARP
Samwise the Bald -- Suuuuuuure. *wink* -- Lord Xiang
Jekyll -- Does that mean we Delarquans are in a conspiracy to over-inflate the
Andorians' egos? I can get on board with that excu...er, rationale. *hehe* -- Lord
Xiang
Rascally Rabbit -- What is cheap for one person is a life's work for another. Easier
to just write your own work. Then publish it for millions later! *chuckle* -- Lord
Xiang
T391:
Blue Beanie -- Ahhhh, THERE's your DM column!! *grin* I always enjoy reading them.
MEGA-congratulations on your invite! -- Lord Xiang
One-Timer -- Congratulations on your ascension to the top seed! Hope you manage to
write some DM columns. Our last DM wrote only one out of the last couple turns (that
I bothered to check, anyway). -- Lord Xiang
Aradi Free Press -- Another set of Pink Pantaloons? Am I going to wind up with a set
for each of my warriors?? -- Lord Xiang
Nuln -- Hehe, yeah, I sometimes wind up with messes like that sometimes. -- Lord
Xiang (pronunciation is actually 'Zang')
Rillion -- I agree that the length of the spots can be excessive to the needs of
TOGS, but I cannot complain much, as I am enjoying every line of them! Sometimes so
much my ribs hurt! -- Lord Xiang
Pinto Beans -- I have no symptoms. I am a CURE for, well, a condition. So what is
worse is definitely my side effects. -- Cialis
LHI -- *sigh* Death Stud has dibs, I will definitely let that happen. Not only
that, but exclusive rights, too! Trust me on this. -- Lord Xiang
Deathsponge -- Don't knock it 'til you try it! -- Loose Dentures
Death Stud -- Depends on what we call drinking to excess, doesn't it? Now, unlike
you, we drink prune juice at AARP, not alcohol. So, you'd better HOPE we never win
TOGS!! -- Lord Xiang
Cobra -- We can work on the details later, but I'm game! *hehe* -- Loose Dentures
And T392 (this past turn):
One-Timer -- Pick up the slack!! Write that column!! -- Lord Xiang
P.S. Congrats on keeping the throne!
Seraphim -- Well, actually, I do know a singer. Fortunately, she doesn't fall under
the OTHER category you were referring to. -- Lord Xiang
Snotman -- *chuckle* I seriously doubt he's insulated enough! -- Lord Xiang
Falcon XLI -- Congratulations on your invite!! -- Lord Xiang
P.S. Now maybe somebody ELSE can get those stinking points!
Ed. -- Did I score the most ads submitted this turn? If so, I'm sorry, but I'm
playing catch-up. -- Lord Xiang
I'm not sure yet. A certain someone whose name I won't mention hasn't sent in
his stuff yet (as of 6am on Friday *frown*). -- Ed.
Jekyll -- I think you get 10 points for an upchallenge Dumbo. -- Ganolus
The Stub of Death -- You gonna let Samwise the Bald get away with calling you that?
Too funny! Or maybe I'm just easily amused.... -- Ganolus
Samwise -- Yah, that's it...you're a foam anchor! I realize that you're required to
write a personal ad each turn, but give me a break! -- Ganolus
Soultaker -- Too slow to respond? Yah, right. Nobody that slow would own me at the
FTF's like you do...I hope. -- Ganolus
Manager -- Thanks for last turns useless TOGS fact. I was thinking about getting
Onedawg to partner up with me next TOGS, but I might have to reconsider. -- Pauly
Death Stud -- So what are you trying to say? That Hombre doesn't know very much, or
that he obviously didn't teach me all that he knows? Or both? All I can say is that
you're lucky that TOGS is protecting your team from the wrath of my warriors. But
when TOGS is over, I will unleash the fury. Or at least unleash some really scathing
comments and secretly avoid your team. But, yeah, uh, the next lessons in a couple
weeks. -- Pauly
P.S. Thanks for caring.
Nuln, Death Stud, Ed. -- I thought "Zang" was Cantonese for "excellent"? Then again,
maybe Wayne's World II isn't the most reliable source of information. -- Pauly
Hey, if you can't believe the movies, what can you believe? -- Ed.
Cyber Punk -- Well, I gotta admit, the leg warmers on the arms might have been a
slight embellishment. But he does play the flute, and really enjoys a good musical.
-- Pauly
Jekyll -- Good job on making friends. Everyone here really seems to like you. --
Pauly
Nuln -- I was going to buy a goat from my cousin and train it to drop a deuce every
time I go into Scrodbuck's, but then I remembered about the livestock ban. We
decided just to be friends. -- Pauly
Dilen -- Honestly, the only thing I'm really going to miss about Wilson Ferguson is
saying Wilson Ferguson. I am blood feuding this time, just because there is no one
else to challenge. Although the last two turns I'll probably throw my new guy Foskie
at you to get some skills. Hopefully. -- Pauly
P.S. Sorry about your Sausage Bowl.
All -- Ya know, sometimes, late at night, I'll write my personals. Then I'll go back
over them and think to myself, "Oh man! This is gold baby! Gold!" Then they appear
in the newsletter and I think "Oh man! That is not gold. In fact, it's somewhat
disturbing." Then I pay a visit, to my pops, and he just shakes his head and laughs
in my face. And not in a good way. I am of course referring to my ad to Jekyll
where I talk about Pauly Shore. OK, nuff said. -- Pauly
P.S. I sure write a lot for a non-TOGS manager.
White Witch -- Stay away, freak, stay away. -- the *Avenging* Scrod
Snotman -- Technically, I didn't have to write this personal. -- Nuln
Death Stud -- Obviously you are a little upset (no shot towards your height either)
over Indy being called a stud. Get over it, he's the man. Hey, we are just joking
around when we call you one. -- Barnabas
Nuln -- Indy makes me out to be mean cuz I am! -- Barnabas
Jekyll -- Wow, I can't believe such a felony is being brought out into the open in
Aradi, clowns walking around with nutless nut sacks, isn't that against Aradi law?
Although I have to admit it doesn't surprise me that you were the one to spot it. --
Barnabas
Pauly, Indy, Hombre, & Elequint -- So when's the circus? -- Barnabas
Death Stud -- Come on Stud (there, is that better?), Pauly has only one lesson from
Hombre (don't fight) he just didn't listen. Give the guy a break, he just got back
from being the anchor in the 60 meter relay at the Special Olympics, and I do mean
the anchor. -- Barnabas
Clapton -- It's a matter of opinion but I believe my music has outsold yours pretty
handly so there! -- Dr. Feelgood
Viper -- A fortunate escape for you, my friend! -- BC Gold
Xiang -- Hold out as long as you can. Let me know when things go wrong, I'm talking
to the other half about holding your end for the duration of the contest, though it
may mean 60 is your only activity. Positive energy. -- Seraphim
Sugar Bottoms -- Was just waiting for the up challenge, you didn't think you were
going to get away without any recourse did you? -- GDUBYA
TOGS teams -- Like a man about to get voted off the island I'm looking for anyone who
wants to make a deal. Call me a merc if you want, as long as you call me. --
Seraphim
Asgard -- Looks like you weren't ready for me at all? Change something you weren't
expecting maybe? -- Condi
All -- Good luck in the upcoming F2F, I'll be there and I hope to meet those of you
who will also be in attendance -- Seraphim
Jekyll -- Clowns? Let's not forget how scary a clown can be. I can't wait to see
what kind of response you get from the gang. I have a feeling you could be right
about that upcoming reunion in Valamantis. -- Indimar
Pauly -- Pauly Shore? I can't wait to see what new way you find to disgrace the
family this turn. Pauly Freakin' Shore?!?! I think I'll go slap your mother. --
Indimar
Cyber Punk -- We can't both stink on the same turn. -- Indimar
Nuln -- Glad you like the Barnabas speak. After ten years of working with him it is
the easiest thing for me to write. You gittin' my drift, son, or am I gonna have to
step up and open a can to make you see the light? -- Indimar
Death Stud -- My wife likes to call me ssssttttuuudddd too. Is she going to have
copyright problems? -- Indimar
Storm -- I will never again buy my weapons at the swapmeet. -- Tay Starle
Clapton -- I have very sensitive ankles. It's the result of a nasty folk dancing
accident when I was a child. Never try to do the Hokey-Pokey with the phonograph at
78. -- Jamis.
Wild Cards care of Nappy Dugout -- C'mon, Snotman you can do better than that! I
really love the noble Andorian near 100 recognition point bloodfeud downchallenge!
Let's try to make it over 100 recognition points soon and while your at it spout off
the Andorian credo of health and humility and 401k and stuff while your doing it.
All off of the death of one of your warriors that Green Disease killed on one of YOUR
challenges in the first place.... And us Delarqs are the bad guys...go figure. At
least teach my Disciple more the next time and make it worth his while. -- Jekyll
Indimar -- Yes I was a MF'er. I am not ashamed of that. And I will always be part
MF'er in spirit. But alas The Midnite Foundation has been retired for 2-3 years now
and I have moved on. Disposable was destined for the DA from the get-go after his
first fight. It's business, man. Sorry to ruin your bloodfeud opportunity...it
sucks but it is what it is. -- Jekyll
All -- Let's all hear it for my new unsuspecting business partner, Soultaker!!! -- RR
Let's face it, Samwise was bad for business. -- Rascally Rabbit
Still looking for a GOOD Ghost writer. -- RR
Who did Casper? He's a GOOD ghost.... -- Ed.
Night Hag -- I've awoken in the morning next to a few women like you in my time. --
Squiggnerd
Hamburger Helper -- I'm glad that wasn't a long fight as I got some poor strategy
advice. -- Death Sponge
G Dubyah -- I wasn't ready, being star-struck and all, you know? -- Sugar Bottoms
Cialis -- I should have known you would be "up" for that challenge! -- Porn Starr
Seraphim -- Being the nice guy that I am, I will provide you with a reason for Bin
Laden's failure. You have to fight back (unless you are a scum) to win. It's tough
to win a fight in which your warrior pretends to be a punching bag. :) -- Mannequin
Jekyll -- Just want to make sure I read this correctly, your claim is clowns running
around Aradi with nutless nuttsacks. To me that would be like Michael Jordan running
down a basketball court ball less. Man, what a claim, that's almost as good as the
one I got up in the hills. -- Barnabas
Nulnman -- You guys cease to amaze me, talk about a dark horse pulling up to the
front pack, WOW! Not a bird, a plane, not even a frog, just that super hero Nulndog.
When does the autograph party start? Could you possibly keep Snotman's hands away
from the pen, if not, then it is true, the pen is mightier than the sword. (yuck) --
Barnabas
Ganolus -- Keep your hands close to your sack, rumor has it someone you know is
packing a little light. -- Barnabas (sorry Hombre, I couldn't help it)
Fonzettes -- Well boys, you can thank Jekyll for getting old Barnabas out of the
chair, heck I'm still laughing. Sure has opened up some new revenues, oh this is
going to be fun! For the time being, until we figure out if the rumors are true, I'm
thinkin' you boys best keep your distance, don't trust anyone, not even your partner!
-- Barnabas
The Avenging S -- Then just make sure they are dry and not wet. -- Boston T
Silent Warriors -- Thanks for the Congrats but don't do it again. It's called the
jinx factor. -- Atlas Park
P.S. Congrats on your turn.
Hurticane -- Now I understand your name. -- Karma
Nuln -- Darn, we need to kick the Cognitronix to the curb. That was our worst turn
yet. -- Snotman
P.S. The image of DMobster sitting over an empty page made me laugh my butt off.
Hombre -- Man, what a sucky attitude, "while exciting to me, will probably be mind
numbingly boring to the rest of you. But as long as this gets me points right?"
Good thing it was interesting. I too remember those long ago days when I first ran
2/5th of a team in a slow arena. Every fight was poured over and ingested, looking
for the smallest details. Ahh, the good old days when DM was exciting. -- Snotman
The Famous AWAFP Editor -- Blue Ribbon. Oh yeah! <envision my best Duffman hip
thrust> -- Snotman
Indimar -- It's kinda sad, sales of Hard Scrooge Cider have been plumeting. --
Snotman
Ed. -- Don't think that I missed your little global replace on the word cyclops last
turn. When you start censoring the "official" Aradi bar (the one in the spy report)
I think you've gone too far. -- Snotman
You haven't seen anything yet. And I wouldn't have done that is I hadn't been
pushed. -- Ed., not the only one going too far
P.S. I think I intended to just change the boringly coloured cyclops' rather
than the optically challenged as well.
Manager -- I'm what is known as a half-assed mega-manager. I was trying to give us
every advantage but I didn't actually read this year's TOGS rules. -- Snotman
Nuln -- A Nut sack of Holding (tm), that is quite impressive. -- Snotman
Jekyll -- As you can see, I seized the moral high ground and downchallenged 90ish rec
points. Don't worry, it won't be Nappy Dugout next turn. She's way too popular to
spend all of her time on a newbie like Green Disease. -- Snotman
P.S. You might consider DAing him, if he only learns two skills on a 45 arena fight
mis-match, there is something wrong with him.
Ed. -- Hmm, there is probably no way to tell you about LHI's milkshake that won't get
censored -- Snotman
I think you're catching on. -- Ed., in a steadily increasing bad mood
Nuln -- We just got passed by Hombre and Ganolus. Another bad turn and there will be
a non-FONZ team above us. We best get our winning on. -- Snotman
Indimar -- You might think twice before publishing anything about your "soft touch"
with street urchins. -- Snotman, being helpful
LHI -- Now there you go. No more stories about the man behind LHI. More stories
about talking Scrod selling their souls and Killer insidious chicken troops! --
Snotman
Nuln -- I hope your recovery from my imagery has gone well? For some reason, when
the time came for Soultaker to do the honors, he was nowhere to be found. -- Samwise
TUM -- Glad to be of service! -- Samwise
Inigo -- Was that challenge some sort of mistake? -- Spam Sandwich
Aradi -- Given that this is the last set of ads that will run prior to the Face, I
should take a moment to wish all the TOGS participants luck. However, I can't. May
you all go 0-3! -- Samwise
LHI -- How do people get the energy to do this every two weeks? -- TUM
ETUM killers (and the ones ETUM narrowly escaped) -- Well done! -- TUM (GTUM?)
All -- For the record, The LBA is officially un-dissolved. -- TUM
Nuln -- You know you are one of my favorites. Without you it would be like sex with
protection. A whole lot of action but with very little feeling. -- Soultaker
Stud -- The reason for the sidesaddle is because you have been ridden so much you are
sway backed. -- Soultaker
Stud -- Do you see the finish? Me either. So just keep running and I will hop off
later on down the trail, lil partner. -- Soultaker
Jekyll -- Cant say that I remembered you. But it was brought to my attention that
you talked a little smack and then I came in and went like 8-0-2 against your team.
Huh, I guess I was one bad-ass clown. -- Hombre
All -- This is the obligatory personal ad. -- LHI
All -- You have no idea how painful writing these personal ads is. It's abject
torture.... -- LHI
It's good for you. Now eat your greens. -- Ed.
Dilen -- Nice turn and Team on the Move to boot. Good job! -- Death Studs
AARP -- Hmmm, bummer that one. My apologies and I await your bloodfeud. -- Hurricane
Ed. -- "Only 31 pages last turn?" Oh, that sounds like a challenge. It's on now. --
Death Stud
Well, it was intended more as a sigh of relief.... -- Ed.
Crazy Creeps scribe -- "One-Timer...who does not deserve to be on the throne"? That
hurts. -- One-Timer
Dilen -- Sorry about Sausage Bowl. One thing that you will find about AB's as you
get into this game, though, is that AB's die. At annoyingly high rates. -- Stud
Crazy Creeps scribe -- Thank you. I am, after all, almost fluent in Creepsterese. --
Death Stud
Chim Richalds -- Psst, you are a boy so I don't think you can aspire to be a
thesbian. -- Dr. Stud
Samwise -- That Travelocity gnome thing was kind of funny. Who wrote it for you? --
Death Stud
Mannequin -- Oh, that is cold. Clever, but cold. -- Death Stud
Zig-Zag Man -- I'll give you and your team credit for trying against big odds to
avenge your fallen teammate. Bravery over smarts, my favorite kind of opponent...
<grin> -- Falcon
Tiny Tim -- Heck of a try there, little man. I was concerned about a challenge from
you, given your boss' wily nature and in-depth understanding of the style. And I'll
admit that was close. Nice attempt and I am happy to still be clenching the throne
with my taut buttocks. -- One-Timer
Snow White -- Dangit, I thought I had you, you nasty little mongoose. -- Cobra
B.C. Gold -- Tsk, tsk. You guys sure do hold a grudge, don't you? -- Viper
Yikes, almost forgot to write an ad too! -- Lady E.
LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS
GOOFY was barely slain by MARINE TROLL in a 1 minute bloody Dark Arena fight.
GRAFFIX was slaughtered by STONE GOLEM in a 1 minute Dark Arena battle.
CELA'S was easily killed by BORED ELF in a 1 minute Dark Arena match.
BIG POPPA was assassinated by MARINE TROLL in a 2 minute bloody Dark Arena duel.
GANMBRE was butchered by DARK CHAMPION in a 1 minute gory Dark Arena fight.
DEAD DUDE was murdered by STONE GOLEM in a 1 minute Dark Arena competition.
CARNAGE was dealt death by STONE GOLEM in a 2 minute Dark Arena duel.
CORY YANDER was assassinated by STONE GOLEM in a 3 minute Dark Arena struggle.
BOX was executed by SEA MONSTER in a 1 minute Dark Arena brawl.
RUG SACRIFICE 125 was easily killed by MARINE TROLL in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
STORM FIRE slaughtered TYVIN LXIX in a 1 minute uneven Bloodfeud duel.
SUTTY was viciously subdued by ETTIN in a action packed 1 minute Bloodfeud fight.
RACOON HAMMER defeated GREEN DISEASE in a exciting 5 minute Bloodfeud fight.
PANTHER was overcome by ONE-TIMER in a 2 minute veteran's Challenge Title bout.
MALT-O-MEAL demolished PHREAK in a 2 minute mismatched Challenge match.
PINTO BEANS outwaited HURTICANE in a exciting 15 minute Challenge contest.
G DUBYAH killed CLAPTON in a 1 minute Challenge brawl.
RUKGAZ was beaten by HYDRO ON THE D-LO in a 1 minute Challenge conflict.
SPAM SANDWICH handily defeated DERRIN in a 1 minute uneven Challenge fight.
FALCON XLI luckily beat VOLMAX in a 1 minute expert's Challenge struggle.
SMIRLIN was overpowered by DERALD in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge brawl.
JIM PANZI was devastated by SEHENSTES in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
SYDA HAMMIE was overpowered by HURRICANE XXXVII in a 1 minute Challenge match.
HOLLY SKULL bested NAPPY DUGOUT in a popular 3 minute veteran's Challenge contest.
BLOODLUST MUTE was outwaited by WARAGEN in a dull 8 minute one-sided Challenge match.
LEG WARMER LUST was vanquished by TAY STARLE in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge fray.
F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE was savagely defeated by JAVA in a 3 minute Challenge fight.
COBRA XXI overpowered MANDA in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
SNOW WHITE outlasted BUTTERFLY in a tiresome 42 minute expert's Challenge match.
NIGHT HAG unbelievably bested OSO in a action packed 4 minute brutal Challenge bout.
HOSCHA was overcome by SILENT SPOCKER in a exciting 1 minute gory Challenge duel.
JAMIS overpowered MYSTERY in a popular 1 minute brutal uneven Challenge duel.
ZIG-ZAG MAN demolished SMALL INTESTINE in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
LOOSE DENTURES overpowered KREE in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fray.
SIGMOID COLON was devastated by TYVEK in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
BIN LADEN subdued NATALIA in a 1 minute master vs. novice Challenge match.
CEPL overpowered THALIA in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge match.
KARMA CHAMELEON handily defeated VAS DEFERENS in a 1 minute uneven Challenge match.
FRANK was savagely defeated by KRAKEN in a action packed 3 minute gory Challenge bout.
HOWLER slimly lost to DE NOVO in a 6 minute bloody Challenge match.
THE AVENGING SCROD won victory over ANTHRAX in a 2 minute Challenge match.
CONDI was defeated by SPINACH in a 2 minute Challenge battle.
HARSIESUS was bested by SUNSHINE in a 2 minute Challenge match.
SQUIGGNERD was handily defeated by WALMART GREETER in a 1 minute Challenge duel.
BRAE'TAC was outlasted by WHITE WITCH in a tiresome 28 minute Challenge brawl.
ASGARD handily defeated DOA in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge melee.
FLAMENCO A GO-GO was savagely defeated by COYOTE in a 3 minute Challenge match.
TIGER TY was overpowered by MACS in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
DAYNE was overpowered by ZEROSE in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fray.
URETHRA was easily killed by MEALS ON WHEELS in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
ASHI was subdued by YELLOW JACKET in a 3 minute novice vs. veteran Challenge conflict.
DEATH FONZ luckily beat WHISTLE PIG in a 3 minute bloody amateur's Challenge conflict.
MORPHINE was luckily beaten by PINK in a 5 minute novice's Challenge struggle.
ANNIE MULL overpowered PESMERGA in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge brawl.
NUTCRACKER was demolished by RESPECT THE PACKAGE in a 1 minute Challenge contest.
TINY TIM beat IN PARI DELICTO in a crowd pleasing 1 minute expert's bout.
SHMAMY CROCKETT overpowered STORM in a 1 minute mismatched fight.
MOUSE handily defeated KUNG-FU MASTER in a exciting 1 minute one-sided contest.
INIGO was slain by AQUA NETTA in a exciting 1 minute duel.
ANALISE was handily defeated by ERRA EVAD in a 1 minute mismatched battle.
VIPER LXXI savagely defeated VENREK in a popular 4 minute gory struggle.
LIMA BEANS unbelievably bested FALOPIAN in a action packed 3 minute gruesome match.
CHIM RICHALDS overpowered B.C. GOLD in a 1 minute one-sided fight.
JACK THE RIPPER was savagely defeated by SONETT in a action packed 3 minute melee.
HYQ subdued PRIVATE PARTS in a 1 minute uneven battle.
NINJA was savagely defeated by SUGAR BOTTOMS in a crowd pleasing 4 minute fight.
DR. FEELGOOD won victory over PIZNAUL JIZNOKE in a exciting 6 minute contest.
HOLSTIEN HEAVEN beat BOSTON TERRIER in a popular 3 minute match.
FUN IN THE BARN was defeated by DEATH SPONGE in a 2 minute gory fight.
STARLING delivered the death blow upon MARY JANE in a 3 minute duel.
MADONNA devastated ONE HOT BABE in a 1 minute mismatched match.
DERS demolished ROXX in a 1 minute uneven match.
THE LBA bested BIG DEAL in a popular 3 minute gruesome novice's battle.
HAMBURGER HELPER was overcome by RITALIN in a 2 minute amateur's match.
NINE HUNDRED won victory over BOTOX in a popular 5 minute beginner's match.
HOFFA beat MAGMA in a 3 minute novice's conflict.
RICKON was overcome by ROLEX in a exciting 1 minute beginner's conflict.
3D'S NOT L33T overpowered COWBOY in a crowd pleasing 1 minute one-sided contest.
FOSKIE overpowered 9000 in a 1 minute one-sided match.
DEAD STUB was handily defeated by DOLP in a 1 minute one-sided fight.
MISER KRABS was handily defeated by GENOH in a 3 minute mismatched match.
STONE COLD NUTS overpowered FRIENDLY CONSTABLE in a 3 minute one-sided match.
BATTLE REPORT
MOST POPULAR RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS
|FIGHTING STYLE FIGHTS FIGHTING STYLE W - L - K PERCENT|
|TOTAL PARRY 31 TOTAL PARRY 141 - 105 - 1 57 |
|STRIKING ATTACK 31 LUNGING ATTACK 142 - 133 - 15 52 |
|LUNGING ATTACK 29 AIMED BLOW 80 - 77 - 5 51 |
|AIMED BLOW 20 PARRY-LUNGE 13 - 16 - 0 45 |
|SLASHING ATTACK 13 SLASHING ATTACK 56 - 70 - 3 44 |
|WALL OF STEEL 10 WALL OF STEEL 47 - 59 - 5 44 |
|BASHING ATTACK 9 STRIKING ATTACK 92 - 137 - 9 40 |
|PARRY-LUNGE 4 PARRY-STRIKE 9 - 14 - 0 39 |
|PARRY-STRIKE 3 BASHING ATTACK 24 - 53 - 1 31 |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE 2 PARRY-RIPOSTE 10 - 28 - 0 26 |
Turn 393 was great if you Not so great if you used The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles: the fighting styles: top eleven warriors are:
TOTAL PARRY 20 - 11 WALL OF STEEL 4 - 6 3 TOTAL PARRY
SLASHING ATTACK 8 - 5 STRIKING ATTACK 11 - 20 3 LUNGING ATTACK
LUNGING ATTACK 15 - 14 PARRY-STRIKE 1 - 2 2 STRIKING ATTACK
AIMED BLOW 10 - 10 BASHING ATTACK 1 - 8 1 AIMED BLOW
PARRY-LUNGE 2 - 2 PARRY-RIPOSTE 0 - 2 1 BASHING ATTACK
1 SLASHING ATTACK
TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE
FIGHTING STYLE WARRIOR W L K PNTS TEAM NAME
TOTAL PARRY ONE-TIMER 7169 31 6 0 120 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
AIMED BLOW DERALD 7285 13 7 0 132 4000 BLOWS (107)
STRIKING ATTACK SEHENSTES 7339 15 11 2 109 VOUGEOOT (464)
LUNGING ATTACK HOLLY SKULL 7276 18 15 0 101 CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
BASHING ATTACK VOLMAX 7592 5 3 0 97 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
SLASHING ATTACK SHMAMY CROCKETT 7216 13 7 0 93 4000 BLOWS (107)
PARRY-STRIKE JIM PANZI 7382 9 7 0 83 FUNKY FOLK (565)
WALL OF STEEL STORM 4741 12 8 0 74 ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.
The overall popularity leader is NAPPY DUGOUT 6080. The most popular warrior this
turn was PIZNAUL JIZNOKE 7641. The ten other most popular fighters were SUGAR
BOTTOMS 7690, HOLLY SKULL 7276, OSO 7682, MORPHINE 7831, KRAKEN 7679, COYOTE 7626,
VIPER LXXI 7566, SONETT 7088, BIG DEAL 7811, and GREEN DISEASE 7718.
The least popular fighter this week was BUTTERFLY 7338. The other ten least popular
fighters were SNOW WHITE 7486, WHITE WITCH 7542, BRAE'TAC 6895, PINTO BEANS 7531,
WARAGEN 5573, NINE HUNDRED 7681, BLOODLUST MUTE 7701, GRAFFIX 6909, STONE COLD NUTS
7848, and GENOH 7847.
The following warriors have traveled to AD after fighting this turn:
FALCON XLI (60-7341) DEATH STUDS VII (301)