Date   : 07/28/2006    Duedate: 08/10/2006


DM-60    TURN-395

This Weeks Top Honors


(60-6080) [26-27-1,124]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

NAPPY DUGOUT                   JAVA
WILD CARDS (148)               THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
(60-6080) [26-27-1,124]        (60-7779) [6-2-0,62]

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

NAPPY DUGOUT                   SMIRLIN
WILD CARDS (148)               OGRES ARE US (270)
(60-6080) [26-27-1,124]        (60-6568) [18-17-0,95]



Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)        52
2. OGRES ARE US (270)          51      CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
3. CRAZY CREEPS (207)          39      Unchartered Team
4. 4000 BLOWS (107)            34
5. INQUISITION SG-1 (540)      33      BIKINI BOTTOM (596)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 1*BIKINI BOTTOM (596)       26  13  4 66.7   1/ 3 DEATH STUDS VII (301)    11  3 0
 2/ 2 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)    37  25  1 59.7   2/ 7 SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586) 10  5 1
 3/ 3 SAAB STORY (389)         133 102 10 56.6   3/ 6 WILD CARDS (148)         10  5 0
 4/ 4 DEATH STUDS VII (301)    454 365 15 55.4   4/ 9 VOUGEOOT (464)            9  6 1
 5/ 9 ATLAS PARK (592)          34  28  1 54.8   5/ 4 DILEN'S HORDE (587)       9  6 1
 6/ 6*INQUISITION SG-1 (540)    18  15  1 54.5   6/19 ATLAS PARK (592)          9  6 0
 7/ 5 CRAZY CREEPS (207)       516 436 15 54.2   7/ 2*THINGS ILL NEVER G (601)  8  4 0
 8/ 8 WILD CARDS (148)         752 674 31 52.7   8/ 5 AARP (583)                8  5 1
 9/ 7 AARP (583)                30  28  2 51.7   9/16 CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)       8  7 1
10/11 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 195 183 13 51.6  10/17 4000 BLOWS (107)          8  7 1
11/13 SILENT WARRIORS (561)     56  56  3 50.0  11/12 CRAZY CREEPS (207)        8  7 0
12/12 GOIN' TUBIN' (577)       128 130  6 49.6  12/11 SAAB STORY (389)          8  7 0
13/14 CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)       95 100  4 48.7  13/13 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430)  7  6 0
14/10*THINGS ILL NEVER G (601)  18  19  0 48.6  14/15 THE BIZZLE (593)          7  7 2
15/18 DILEN'S HORDE (587)       29  31  3 48.3  15/ 1 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)    7  7 0
16/15 4000 BLOWS (107)         636 692 31 47.9  16/10*BIKINI BOTTOM (596)       7  7 0
17/17 OGRES ARE US (270)       166 181  2 47.8  17/ 8 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591)  7  8 1
18/20 WING HOVE (529)           64  71  3 47.4  18/23 WING HOVE (529)           7  8 0

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
19/21 THE BIZZLE (593)          27  30  4 47.4  19/21 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      7  8 0
20/16 SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586)  23  26  1 46.9  20/22 OGRES ARE US (270)        7  8 0
21/19 ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)  35  42  1 45.5  21/14 DILLIGAF LEGION (589)     6  8 2
22/27 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      52  63  2 45.2  22/18 SILENT WARRIORS (561)     6  9 0
23-22 LEGALESE (449)           150 183  5 45.0  23/24*INQUISITION SG-1 (540)    5  5 0
24/24 VOUGEOOT (464)            88 110  9 44.4  24/26 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)       3  7 0
25-26 THE MISGUIDED (559)       76  97  0 43.9  25/27 FUNKY FOLK (565)          2  5 0
26-28 ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)   35  46  1 43.2  26/25 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD  (585)  2  8 1
27/23 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591)  27  36  4 42.9  27/20 GOIN' TUBIN' (577)        2 11 0
28/25 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)       21  29  0 42.0  28/29 ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)  2 12 0
29/29 FUNKY FOLK (565)          32  48  3 40.0  29-31 LEGALESE (449)            1  1 0
30/30 DILLIGAF LEGION (589)     22  34  2 39.3  30-30*WORDS THAT ENDIN X (507)  1  2 0
31-32*WORDS THAT ENDIN X (507)   1   2  0 33.3  31-32 THE MISGUIDED (559)       0  5 0
32/31 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD  (585)  14  30  3 31.8  32-28 ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)   0  5 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                    TEAM SPOTLIGHT

               + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Lord Xiang ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Aradi was coming alive, with the approach of the city's most sacred holiday:
All Scrods Day.  The banks would close, food would be prepared, and gifts would be
exchanged.  Holidays like this were what made it bearable to be in the company of
Andorians for the rest of the year.  One might even consider, in the light of the
holiday spirit, of course, that such holidays might even make it bearable for the
Andorians to have a bearable time with the Delarquans.  Then again, everyone who is
ANYONE knows that Andorians have a high threshold for tolerance, so will tolerate
anyone.  Even Free Bladers, if you can imagine that!!  The holiday rush was on, so
off to market to buy everyone a gift!  Better to get there early than to miss the
sales specials.  One cannot forget that A-Sop and Lady Elysian are here, so better to
wake up early and get there twelve hours before the sale begins.
     The festive air lifts the dampened spirits of Lord Xiang, as not only did Lady E
and A-Sop beaten him to the gates of the market, but he would never in a million
years figure that Death Stud, Mannequin, and Hombre were compulsive shoppers as well!
It figured that Manager would be first in line (even before Lady E and A-Sop), as he
was the first TOGS winner, and was very knowledgeable on Aradi holidays and shopping
habits.  Everyone started chatting amiably about how each team was doing in TOGS, and
the holiday spirit settled upon everyone.
     Then suddenly, and without warning, a darkness settled upon the group as
Soultaker ambled on up to the gates of the market, getting in line for the sale.
Quiet descended, blanketing the entire block.  "What did I do?" said Soultaker.  "You
weren't all talking about me, were you?  I mean, why did everyone just clam up?"
Sniffing his armpits, he continued, "I bathed before TOGS began, so it can't be
that."  Running his tongue over his remaining teeth, he then stated, "I even brushed
my teeth at the same time!  So, c'mon guys, what's going on?"
     "Oh, it's not that," A-Sop managed to gasp, "It's just that we all were talking
about the gifts we are going to get you!  Now that you are here, we cannot buy yours,
and the sale is only today!  Pooh!!"  A light turned on behind Soultaker's eyes
(quite literally, synapses rarely connect there, and when they do, WHOAH!), and he
smiled, nodded to A-Sop and her companions, and gave Lady E a knowing wink.
Soultaker then ambled off, humming a horrendously off-key and tuneless song.  After
he turned the corner, several loud gasps and inhales were heard.  Even the beasts of
burden inside the stable across the street from the market were noisily inhaling,
after holding THEIR breath for several minutes, as well.
     "I guess somebody will need to buy him a set of leg warmers, or a nut sack, or
something," Manager said.
     These managers, opponents all, began talking between themselves, trying to
decide what they would get Soultaker.  They decided that Hombre and Mannequin would
split a pair of leg warmers, wrapping them separately, as that would count as two
gifts (which Soultaker immediately put on...over his arms!).  Manager thought this
ingenious, and was highly put out since he did not come up with this first.  Lady
Elysian decided to buy him a bottle of perfume (which he promptly drank after opening
the gift).  Death Stud felt that elevator shoes were appropriate, so he bought a pair
of those.  Then remembered he needed to get something for Soultaker, and got him a
subscription to Play-Llama (which left Soultaker speechless, a tear started welling
up in his eye).  Lord Xiang found a very elegant nut sack, and accordingly never let
his nut sack out of his reach.  But it would impress Soultaker (who goggled at every
bauble and fancy embroidery), and it had that most enticing feature, it was dirt
cheap!  A-Sop gave him the best present of all (at least from HIS perspective), a
fake ponytail!  It was pretty obvious (the string that tied under the chin actually
was more like rope), but Soultaker never complained.
     After the gifts were exchanged, Soultaker walked home belching perfume, wearing
leg (arm) warmers, and fondling his new nut sack and happy that he finally got a
piece of tail!

              + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Aradi Asylum ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                 scribed by:  Jekyll

     "You seek The Creepster." stated Manager calmly.  "Come with me gentlemen, enter
the Asylum carefully, you may observe and ask questions but please do not speak to
them and do not feed them."
     Ultraist and Jekyll looked at one another in resignation and carefully followed
the barefoot Manager into the Asylum.
     "Why is he barefoot, especially in this weather?" Jekyll whispered to Ultraist.
     "I don't know, I've yet to figure that one out.  A lot of managers throughout
Alastari go barefoot to the Face to Face tournaments.  Drives me nuts.  Manager is in
a constant state of preparation so who knows?  All I know is the barefoot patrol
gives me the creeps."
     The three men continued down the dark dank Asylum and stopped in amazement at
the first cell.  It was an extremely large cell and there appeared to be hundreds of
gladiators crammed into it, practicing with dulled blades and wooden swords.  There
appeared to be no rhyme or reason to their exercises and the gladiators continued to
clumsily trip over each other and themselves and hit everything but the target they
were aiming for.
     "What the heck is this, Manager?" Ultraist asked.  "Are these men and women
trying to kill each other or themselves?"
     "Neither...or both...who knows." replied Manager.  "The Consortium Elders do not
believe in the evil uses of the Dark Arena.  These are simply the warriors than many
managers discarded long ago and that were never given a chance in the arenas.  The
Elders will attempt to mold them and some day they will leave this cell and see the
arena sands."
     They continued down the hall and appeared at the next cell.  In the cell sat a
man calmly meditating.
     "What's wrong with him?" Jekyll asked.  "He appears to be normal."
     "This man lost his grip on sanity a long, long time ago." Manager sadly replied.
"He believes in recruiting and training nothing but warriors of the Bashing style.
His name is Assur."
     The party passed a few more cells along the way.  There were raving lunatics all
around.  It was truly disturbing and sent chills up their spines but they continued
on and followed Manager throughout the Asylum as they ascended the stairs to the
second floor.  They stopped at the first cell upon the second floor.  It was a cell
unlike any other.  It was a combination cell and laboratory.  A nondescript man in a
labcoat was feverishly pacing the room, cackling with glee.
     "What's this freaks story?" asked Jekyll.
     "He came to the Asylum a few years ago voluntarily on his own, ironically enough
seeking asylum.  What better place to seek asylum than in an Asylum.  Very clever.
He was accused of creating clones throughout the land and causing much havoc when he
was outed.  He is here on his own free will and has not left since.  He is in
constant fear of his safety.  With one foolish move he has created lifelong enemies
throughout all the lands."
     Jekyll and Ultraist continued their tour of the Asylum with the diabolical
Manager acting as tour guide.  They passed cell after cell of insane people.  They
climbed flight after flight of stairs.  Who knew there were this may crazy people
throughout Alastari and it seemed like they all came to this one place located in the
back alleys of Aradi to seek the help of The Creepster.
     The tour was nearing its end when at the very last cell they all stopped in
amazement.  The cell was the same size as any other cell throughout the Asylum only
this cell had a lowered ceiling height of what appeared to be four...maybe five feet.
All the amenities and furniture in the room was of a smaller scale as well.
     "Manager!!!!" Ultraist rumbled in anger.  "Are the Consortium Elders in the
habit of imprisoning children now?  What sickening Andorian custom is this?"
     From the back of the room appeared a man of about four feet in height.  He was
pacing the room throwing a violent temper tantrum and sobbing pathetically and
     "No, not children, Ultraist." Manager replied.  "This is our newest member and
our saddest case.  He too came of his own free will.  He suffers from acute
heartbreak and extreme guilt.  You see gentlemen, he backstabbed his lifelong partner
a while back in another contest and came seeking The Creepster's help in getting his
life back on track and in learning to be forgiven and to love again.  He is only
allowed one visitor a week thus we have no choice but to let him exercise his
conjugal visits with that very partner he backstabbed.  We think that behavior is
only making it worse, not better."
     Death Stud, a.k.a. Sentinel." Jekyll gasped.  "Yes indeed, that is a sad story.
The minstrels are already creating sad ballads about the tortured couple and their
trials and tribulations."
     "At any rate, this concludes out tour, gentlemen.  I can go no further.  Up the
next flight of stairs you will find The Creepster.  He is awaiting you and your
feather.  Go in good faith, proud Delarqs, you are safe here.  The rain is never-
ending and the city is flooding.  The feather must be destroyed.  The Creepster
     Jekyll and Ultraist looked at one another and calmly placed their hands upon the
hilts of their swords and began the long climb up the stairs to see The Creepster.

        + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ TOGS 8:  The Crazy Creeps ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     The Creepster was in trouble.  (In his words--"Badda badda bingle bangle
stufferonious.  Shucka doodle doo.")  He was down to the wire and owed a spotlight
for TOGS.  He had to get it in on time or Manager would cry.  And Death Stud would
laugh.  And The Crazy Creepster could not stand small laughs.
     So, dressed in his red-white-blue Pamper Disposable and his Barbaro green hoof-
slippers, he did the unthinkable.  He crept (because creepsters can creep very well)
into the Consortium Elder's local Aradi office building after hours and eased quietly
into the big Kahuna office.  Sure enough, there IT was on the desk.  (Cowabunga dunga
be bop a looda wah wah!)  It was a summary of The Face seen from The Consortium
viewpoint.  With no qualms at all, the document was photocopied.  The Creepster
hustled home happy.
     "Hey, Creepy!" yelped Hazel.  (The Crazy Creeps Scribe was going by Hazel
Hirschberger that day.)  "Did you get your spot done?  Mr. Backstab Raven manager has
called here forty-four times today asking."
     In Creepstereeze that Hazel well understood, the Creepster said, "Sure, Scribe;
do you want to see it?"  So they gathered to look, in case she had to help do any
heavy editing into Alastarian English.

                           Musings On A Hot Baltimore Face
                          By The Wonderful Crazy Creepster

. The Russian coffee tasted mediocre, but looked mighty fine.
. Greeneyes asked early--no 3000+ minute fights.
. No Soultaker cell phone ringing bearing studly indecision.
. Plenty of room to spread out.
. Doc Steele shared his orange strategy sheets with The Consortium.
. Crip announced the unraveling of his bachelorship.
. Guardian accidentally entered a strategy for The Consortium.
. The Muffin Man went 32.7K min against The Consortium and lost.
. Manager played a ruse on Samwise.
. Seraphim's rightful excitement at an AB Bloodgame winner.
. The fitness room was first class.
. Another proxied finalist for The Consortium.
. Slugbait's rookies were hot.
. The conference room A/C worked.
. Manager's AB Contender TC'd Freshman.
. Dr. Slugbait's new baby is cute.
. Three for LHI.  He makes the record book.
. Samwise and Mannequin's proxied TOGS entries sucked.
. Ghoti was pretty neat for a fishy fellow.
. Soultaker's proxied Fallopian was killed.  Heh.  Heh.
. The motel room was quite nice.  (Was this Baltimore?)
. The Sunday 4:45AM to 6:45AM good night's sleep was "fulfilling".
. It takes a long time to print a 32,700+ minute fight.  (twice)
. The bright red D2 strategy sheets are old and boring.
. Good to see Volksie again.  Retired Senator Bob Dole sends his regards.
. Sandy was in a very cheerful mood.
. Aimers, aimers everywhere, and all else did stink.
. Smallish group. Great fun.

     "Hey, this is pretty good, Creepy!  And you did this all yourself?  Wow!  I'm
impressed!" said The Scribe.  "You'd better get this to print.  I will take it over
to the control room and get it priority sent for you."
     The Creepster just grinned.  (Not a simple cheesy grin, but a subtle outside,
but deep rumble inside laughter grin.)
     The Crazy Creeps Scribe hustled outside and next door to the control room.  Upon
entry, she saw the big clock, showing the countdown at 7:54, (Seven hours and fifty-
four minutes to close) and smiled at the noise, confusion, and harriedness of the
twenty-odd managers trying to finalize their spots.  She immediately inserted The
Creepster's spot into the faxagizzmo and electronically sent it to Hal and Ed.  She
looked around the room.  She winked at Snotman who was eyeing her headlights with a
snotty drool from is slimy lips.  She waved at Ultraist, who was more of a leg man,
but was otherwise in love with Patty.  She gave the thumbs up to TUM, dressed to kill
in his purple tux, Perry Como patented white bucks, and a cute yellow I-Love-Nuln
beanie.  She eased over to give a high five to Soultaker perched on Death Stud's
back, and she almost missed the smack as she had to bend over too far.  Ghoti cut
loose with a whistle, as he stared at her nearly unleashed headlights.
     7:51 and Lord Xiang, Seraphim, Indimar, Mannequin, Hombre, and Jekyll were
acting like they were nearly done.  LHI and Lady A were just starting.  A-sop didn't
look like she was going to do it this round.  She glanced at The Crazy Creeps Scribe
and said, "Gee, Hazel, that is a beautiful necklace you have on.  Can I see that
golden vial dangling on the chain?"
     "Sure." said The Crazy Creeps Scribe as she lifted it over her shoulder length
brown lustrous hair and handed it to A-sop.  "Here, take a look at it while I go take
a quick potty."
      Hazel exited the control room and proceeded out the front building door, never
looking back.
     The next day's Aradi Free Press headline read--19 killed in gas leak at the
Aradi Spot Control Room.  No known leak fault detected.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "Manager, wake up!"
     Manager opened one eye and saw two figures at the corner of his bedroom.  He
sighed, and then went back to sleep.  It was more than likely another assassination
attempt by a TOGS team.  It would be the fourth one this month, too.  Even though the
other TOGS teams pretended not to care that Manager was a former TOGS Champion, the
truth is that they were deathly afraid of the powerful Manager/Creepster pairing and
were always looking to eliminate the brains of the pairing.  (Which would be Manager,
not Creepster like some of you were thinking!)  Fortunately, Manager had mastered the
art of sleeping in his Plate Armor and Full Helm and the would-be assassins had
always end up scumming themselves while trying to pierce through Manager's Plate
Armor with their daggers.
     "Is he still sleeping?" asked one off the figures.
     "Looks like it.  He's just not taking us seriously, I guess." said the other
     "Maybe we should leave then...."
     "Yeah, I guess.  Too bad, we really could have used his help to acquire more
TCs." said the other figure.
     The word 'TC' suddenly caused Manager to jump up.  "Did I just hear more TCs?"
he asked, while turning on his lantern.  It was Ganolus and Hombre.
     "He's up!" said Ganolus.
     "That always works," smirked Hombre.
     "What do you guys want?  It's not even midnight!" Manager exclaimed.
     "We're on a secret quest to win more TCs!" replied Ganolus, "But we need your
help, the place we're going probably is booby trapped and has puzzles and stuff."
     "You win TCs in a tournaments," said Manager in a droll voice, "You don't go on
quests for them."
     "Yes, we know," said Ganolus, "But this is different.  What we're searching for
will allow us to win all of the TCs we could ever dream of!  It's the Holy Grail of
TCs!  Rumor has it that many of the game's past and present managers have used this
artifact to TC--now it's our turn!"
     "That's absurd." said Manager, "If there were an artifact that would allow me to
win more TCs, then LHI would have told me about it when we were in the same
alliance...actually on second thought, no he wouldn't.  I guess some artifact could
conceivably exist."
     "Think about it," responded Hombre, "If you take a look at some of the bad
managers who have TC'd in the past, or even managers who sucked and then suddenly
improved their play--something had to have helped them.  If we're wrong, the only
thing you'll lose is a night's sleep--but if we're right...."
     "All right.  Fine."  Manager sighed, "I'll go on your quest with you.  Let me
get my Medium Shields and then we can head out...."
     It was dark outside and a full moon was out.  Ganolus Oakleaf led Hombre and
Manager a few miles west of the arena and started clearing the brush.
     "The animals are telling me that there is a hole here that leads to a secret
underground passage that will take us to where we want to go." Ganolus exclaimed.
     "What animals?" Manager whispered to Hombre, "We're on a remote island, there
aren't many wild animals here."
     "Just humor him." Hombre whispered back.
     "Aha!  Found it!" Ganolus exclaimed.  To Manager's surprise, Ganolus cleared
some foliage and revealed a huge gaping hole in the ground that looked like it led to
an underground cavern.
     After a few minutes, but the threesome descended the cavern into the depths
below.  It was fairly large and Manager was surprise that such a place existed in
Aradi, but then again, many things in Aradi weren't supposed to exist.
     Suddenly, Hombre came to a complete stop.  "No one move, there's a booby trap
coming up!"
     "How can you tell?" asked Ganolus.
     "This cavern is clearly man-made," responded  Hombre, "You can tell by the
Zukali style corners and the Moryan-style stalagmites hanging from the ceiling.
Those are both man-made styles, which look natural to someone who knows nothing about
interior design, but us experts know that you would never see that combo together in
nature.  Well anyway, you guys see that rock over there, just about 5 feet in front
of us?"
     "Yeah," Manager responded.
     "Well, that rock is too asymmetrical and doesn't go with the underground cavern
motif that the designer was trying to design.  It sticks out like a sore thumb--like
someone placed it well after the cavern design.  No one who is good enough to do
Zukalian corners would stick a fake rock out there like that.  It must be a trap to
snare intruders who get too close."
     "So what do we do?" asked Ganolus.
     "Do I look like I'm an expert on how to disarm booby traps?" Hombre exclaimed
exasperatedly, "Isn't it enough that I identified it?"
     "Don't worry, now that you point it out, I see it too." answered Manager, "It's
a typical Delarquan Death Spike Trap."
     With the trap disarmed, Manager, Hombre, and Ganolus continued through the
cavern until they reached a dead end.
     "What now?" asked Hombre.
     "Take a look at the dead end wall," pointed out Manager, "See that partially
filled out 9 x 9 square?"
     "Oh, it's a Sudoku puzzle!" cried Ganolus, "I do those all the time."
     "Actually, it's a series of Parry-Riposte strategies masquerading as a Sudoku
puzzle," said Manager, "Here, let me fill them out."  Manager pulled piece of chalk
rock from the nearby wall and filled in the missing numbers.  Immediately, the wall
sank into the ground revealing a set of stairs that led upwards.
     "This is it!" said Ganolus excitedly.
     The three managers ascended the stairs into what appeared to be a luxurious type
mansion.  A feeling of deja vu crept over him as he felt that he had been in this
place before.
     "Is there a light switch anywhere?" Manager asked.
     "Yeah, but we probably shouldn't turn it on," responded Ganolus, "We wouldn't
want to wake anyone up."
     "How do you know that there are people sleeping here?" asked Manager.
     "Duh!" said Ganolus, "Because we're in the house behind the Aradi Resort and
     "What?" gasped Manager, "You mean we've broken into a private residence?"
     "Well, do you want to win more TCs or not?" questioned Ganolus.
     "There are no TC secrets here." said Manager, "My spies would have told me if
there were."
     "Wrong." responded Ganolus, "Tell 'em Hombre!"
     "Why don't we just show him?" suggested Hombre.  "We're right outside the door
     "Ok!" said Ganolus.  Ganolus opened the door a couple of inches and allowed
Manager to peer in.
     "Uh, isn't that Lady A-Sop sleeping?" asked Manager.
     "Yes it is!" said Ganolus, "Lady A-Sop is the secret to winning more TCs!"
     "I don't get it." replied Manager.
     "Haven't you ever heard the rumor?" said Ganolus exasperatedly, "Anyone who
sleeps with Lady A-Sop is guaranteed to win more TCs!  Rumor has it that that's how
almost all of the megas win!"
     "I can't believe that you dragged me in here for some ridiculous scheme to
seduce Lady A-Sop!" grumbled Manager.  "You realize that if we're caught, our lives
will be hell."
     "Nonsense," laughed Ganolus, "Just wait and see.  I'm going to walk into Lady A-
Sop's bedroom, plant a big kiss on her lips and then before you know it, I'll be
making TUM's TC count look like Soultaker's."
     Ganolus crept into A-Sop's bedroom and closed the door behind him.  A few
seconds later A-sop screamed.  A few seconds after that, Ganolus screamed.  Then
there was silence.
     "Hmm...should we be worried?" said Manager.
     "Maybe we should open the door and peek?" asked Hombre.
     "Ok, but slowly--I don't want to get caught.
     Hombre opened the door ever so slightly and both he and Manager gasped in
     "Did A-Sop just kill Ganolus with a set of pantyhose and some tweezers?" asked
     "Looks that way." responded Hombre.
     Suddenly the hallway light turned on.  "I should have known you would be here,
Hombre." said a familiar voice coming from down the hallway.  It was Lady Elysian.
     "It's not what you think!" said Manager in a rare panicked state.
     "Actually, It's exactly what you think!" laughed Hombre.
     "Third one this week." chuckled Lady Elysian, "Really, you need to stop
spreading these rumors!  Lady A-Sop would kill me if she knew that I knew that you
were the one behind all of the people trying to break into her room in the middle of
the night."
     "I just can't help it!" said Hombre, "Everyone is just so gullible, and I love
to gossip!"
     "How about some midnight tea?" asked Lady Elysian, "You too, Manager."
     "Chamomile?" asked Hombre.
     "Of course." responded Lady Elysian as she and Hombre walked to the kitchen
while Manager stared in disbelief.

               + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Clone Wars ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                 part ... something

                      (you can't just call it part something!)
                              (well, what part is it?)
                        (I don't know, check the newsletter!)
                             (you check the newsletter!)
                             (well start over at least)
                                      (oh, ok)

                                     Clone Wars

                               ...the Final Chapter...

                            ...in the Epic Norse Saga...

         (much better, except it's barely a saga, and definitely not Norse)
                             (some people...so nitpicky)

     Lady E approached the small office door on the third floor of the Wharf
building, the etched letters on the marbled glass having long since flecked and faded
off.  Sections of the nearby wall were made of the same opaque glass, and Lady A knew
from previous visits that the smudgy, hulking shapes behind them were piles of
unfiled paperwork.  She knocked on the door.
     "Come >>DOH!<< in." the familiar voice of Nuln called out, as Lady E entered the
cramped office in time to see the chaos lord (tm) tip over an ink well onto a desk
covered with fight instruction sheets, obliterating a swath of them.
     "Did I catch you at a good time?" Lady E winked, looking around for a place to
sit, then deciding to stand.
     "Your timing is as always impeccable, m'lady," Nuln grinned, pretending not to
notice as the pool of ink spread to his hands and forearms which were resting on the
desk.  "I tell you, between TOGS, managing my teams on the mainland, crazed murderous
villains loose on the streets, ETUM, team 2 annoying me, team 3 annoying me slightly
less, spilled ink, and a mild case of gingivitis I'm feeling primed for a nervous
breakdown, pretty much."
     "You read my mind." grinned Lady E, as the two were both tuned to the same
wavelength, SCRODY 88.7 on the IWoM (intergalactic wavelength-o-meter) dial.  "This
goat cheese villain is really chapping my hide, but I've been so busy what with life
and everything else...you have a mild case of gingivitis?"
     "Yes, and I think I know what you're going to say," Nuln continued, standing up
and offering Lady E his leather-backed chair, "What we need is an expert!  A
specialist to come in and take care of this one quickly, so that both of us can just
get on with our lives!  Is that perhaps what you're getting at?"
     "Not really.  Just that you should brush more often, maybe," Lady E replied
deadpan.  "However, what you say might have some wisdom to it.  A private detective
might be ideal, provided of course his thighs had adequate definition...."
     "Well lucky for us, Aradi is literally infested with private eyes of all kinds.
Ever since TOGS I, mysteries in Aradi have multiplied exponentially; likewise those
in the clue-sniffing biz.  Of course, as you might imagine there are far more hacks
out there than profes-sionals, and it can be difficult to fig..." Nuln looked over at
Lady E, noticing her eyes were slightly glazed and locked on a faraway pair of
muscle-bound thighs, bicycling through the Swiss-Farfrejan Alps.
     "Huh?" said Lady E, then stood up, grabbing a thick book filled with yellow
pages from among a stack of five that served as one of the legs to Nuln's chaos chair
(tm).  "Let's call one up, shall we?"

(literally three doors down, same hallway)

     In a small office nearly identical to the one previously described, a man slept
in a somewhat similar chair at a vaguely familiar desk, covered with assorted papers,
his feet propped up to complete his pose.  The conch shell on a hook rang once,
rattling against the metal of the hook.  Then it rang again.
     "I'm gettin' too old for this @#$%eth..." mumbled the man, leaning up and
lunging for the conch shell.  He missed, and became intimately acquainted with his
floor.  He made a note to self to talk to the landlord about cleaning the floor.  He
found the conch shell.  "Hulloeth.
     "Yeseth.  Yeseth.  Welleth...," he had crouched up to his knees now. "Alright,
don't moveth--I'll be right thereth."

(back to Nuln's office)

     "So this Sherlock McNuln fellah, is he really all that and a sack of nuts?"
queried Lady E, "I sure hope you're right, Nuln, for the lives of everybody in Aradi,
I sure hope you're right."
     As she finished her cheesy line of dialogue, a door could be heard opening then
closing just down the hallway, then footsteps approached.  Shortly the door opened,
and a man very much resembling Nuln, except somehow resembling a detective as well,
walked in.
     "Hulloeth," said the man.  "I'm Sherlock McNuln.  You have a problemeth?"
     "The same Sherlock McNuln who deftly unraveled the riddle of the Broccoli
Sphinx?" asked Nuln, looking sidelong at Lady E knowingly.
     "The same." replied McNuln grimly, the door swinging shut behind him.  Lady E
jumped slightly.
     "The same Sherlock McNuln who, when all others had failed, located Mayor
Dunsel's daughter's prized Maltese Pigeon?" asked the chaos lord (tm) again.
     "Aye, the sameth." sighed McNuln, a scowl crossing his lips.
     "The same Sherlock McNuln who, when pressed to the limit, apprehended the
mysterious goat nipple thief during TOGS II, turn 8 I believe, when all appeared
surely to be lost?"
     "The sa...uh, no waiteth, that was Shylock McNoolin, actuallyeth, another
private detectiveth in town.  I've sinceth filed a law suiteth to force him to
changeth his name."
     "Alright, alright already, you're hired!" yelled Lady E, hopping off the chair
and shaking McNuln's gloved hand vigorously.  "So I told you everything we know about
the case over the conch shell, do you think you can figure this one out, champ?  Do
you know who's behind all this?  Can you tell us *now*?!  Please?"
     "Actually, I caneth." replied McNuln coolly, then he turned and walked out the
door, down the hallway.  "Follow meeth."

(outside the Wharf building)

     "Thiseth way." said McNuln, briefly glancing at the two managers as they huffed
to keep up with his brisk pace.  He led them around the corner through a narrow stone
alley, which came to a small bridge over a small stream.
     "Over hereth." encouraged McNuln, waving forward with one hand to his
companions.  "We have a ways to goeth."
     "Come oneth," McNuln paused a moment to let them catch up, then led them north
from the docks towards the heart of town, mostly through side-streets that his two
clients only barely recognized.
     McNuln stopped by a large, seemingly innocuous wine barrel, stacked among a few
smaller of its kind at the back of a restaurant, and turned to face Lady E and Nuln.
     "Since were hereth," said McNuln as the two approached, "I'm sure you're
wonderingeth where Goose the goose went to."
     "Well, yeah, I had been wond..." Before Nuln could finish, McNuln popped the lid
off the cask with an Arthur Fonzirelli-esque flick of his thumb.
     "Well here he iseth." said McNuln nonchalantly, motioning inside the cask.
Indeed: cold, shivering and reeking of days old bodily fluids, Goose looked up
bleary-eyed into the sunlight, a weak smile crossing his beak.
     "Anybody *buuuurp* got a beerssh?" croaked Goose, raising a wing lamely.
     "Looseth end #1: all tiiied uppeth." announced McNuln, beaming and tying an air
ribbon into a bow for emphasis.  "Now, follow me."
     Barely giving Lady E and Nuln time to pass on their well-wishes and beer money
to Goose, McNuln hurried off again, the super-sleuth wasting no time, everything
about him economical down to the way he angled his earlobes in the most aero-dynamic
way possible.  He walked only in straight lines, cutting around corners as
immediately as he could, with sharp turns of his body.
     If before they had been traveling towards the heart of the city, the threesome
now passed through the left ventricle of Aradi, in the part of town known to some as
"the Heaps".  A shoddy jumble of shacks, junk piles and abandoned lots.
     "I present to you," McNuln said, stopping in front of a shack that appeared to
have activity inside.  "Loose endeth #2eth."
     Pulling back the tattered cloth towel that served as the door to the shanty,
McNuln revealed a horrific scene to the pair:  Chim Richalds in a bloody, once white
surgeon's costume, his arm raised in mid-hack, while strapped to a make-shift table-
top was a chicken with three goat-heads (and one monkey paw from Fiji for good luck).
Dr. Richalds froze as the towel was pulled back, turning and smiling weakly at his
guests.  With a clatter he released the bloody cleaver he had been holding high over-
head, and pretended to stretch.
     "Unbeknownst to you, Nulneth," explained McNuln, still holding the towel-door
open, "your own warrior, Chim Richaldseth had unwittingly (and unknowinglyeth) struck
a bargaineth with our still as yet unrevealed super-villain, supplying him with local
livestock for his experiments, in exchange for candy treats and doctor's notes to
excuse him from the dentist (ironiceth, no?).  If you recall way back on turn two of
this TOGS, the mutant clone of Goose of the goose that crashed your party?  He was
screaming 'wijjalds', or sans the bad accenteth, 'richalds', as it was Richalds who
had sold him down the river, so to speaketh."
     Nuln stood dumbfounded, Lady E horrified, while McNuln, as near expressionless
as always, let the curtain drop back down.  There was a hacking sound, followed by
loud braying.
     "Now follow meeth, we're almosteth there." said McNuln, and off he went again.
     Soon they came to a fruit stand, McNuln approaching the vendor with a smile as
the two shook hands and exchanged pleasantries.  McNuln motioned for his companions
to follow him, and as they stepped behind a tall wicker fence in back of the stand,
they caught the top of his head descending down a stair case into the ground, gods
only knew where to it led.
     "Follow meeth." McNuln called out, his voice echoing now in the dimly lit sewer
main.  A combination of a little direct and mostly ambient light barely punched up
the dreary passageways that the three traveled, hardly a word being spoken.  McNuln
kept up his pace, and gave no inclination that he might reveal where they were going.
     Soon the detective had to light the small, portable torch he carried at his side
(in his torch sack, of course), as his leadings led them deeper and deeper, down
passageways so ancient and decrepit that they might crumble apart and crush them at
any moment it seemed.  Finally he stopped in front of a monstrous stone face which
protruded from the wall.  McNuln made the "hang ten" sign with one hand and pushed in
the monster's two eyes, which in turn caused another section of the wall to depress,
out of which a cuckoo clock came.  The clock struck four, then sunk back in and was
replaced by a giant spring with a gloved hand at the end of it.  Seemingly against
better judgement, McNuln grabbed the white gloved hand and did a series of what
appeared to be memorized shakes with it.  Then the hand pulled back slightly slapped
McNuln a few times on the cheek, retreated back into the wall, whereupon a grid of
multi-colored lights popped on beneath McNuln's feet, and the seemingly uncoordinated
detective performed a complicated dance routine, his feet matching the cubes on the
grid as they lit up.
     "I'm not saying he's a bad dancer," whispered Lady E to Nuln, "but there'd
better be something good behind this here wall."
     Nuln smiled weakly as he quickly gauged the possible levels of bloodlust Lady E
was capable of reaching.  Luckily for all three, McNuln finished his flash groove,
then a glowing line appeared in the wall, and a doorway materialized out of nowhere.
     As the three walked into the secret room, Lady E let out a sigh of
disappointment that was a little too, how shall we say, audible.  Except for a stack
of folding chairs, the only other items in the room were a chalk board and a piece of
     "Let me explaineth," McNuln said to Nuln's relief, as he sensed Lady E might be
getting in touch with her inner-rottweiler.  "Being the wonder-sleuth that I am, I
suspected that the twoeth of you wouldst eventually contacteth me to solve this
particular caseth.  Thereforeth, I decided to saveth myself some time and solve the
mystery before you contacted meeth, so that whenst thou didst I could have the answer
at the ready for youeth.
     "As you can seeeth, it's all spelled out right hereth." McNuln gestured to the
chalkboard, which the other two noticed for the first time was completely filled up
with an intricate grid, providing informative bio's, alibi's, etc. of each Aradi
manager.  "It was simple reallyeth, a process of eliminationeth.  Plus it helpedeth
that nearly half of the TOGS managers are allergic to goat cheese.
     "Of course, in my search for the villaineth, through the processeth of
traingulationeth and other astrological methodseth, it all came downeth to two
possible suspects: ETUM or Encyclopedia Manager."
     McNuln elbowed an invisible panel on the wall, and a secret opening opened,
dumping out the two aforementioned suspects onto the stone floor.
     "This guy's good." Lady E whispered to Nuln, who nodded silently in agreement.
     "Two men, one crimeth." continued McNuln, working the emotions of those in the
room like a hand-puppet, milking the dramatic pause like Perry Mason could only dream
of.  "Both capable of acts so cunning and dastardlyeth the mind...boggleseth!
     "As usualeth, it came down to one small detaileth, one slighteth oversight, that
led to my capture of the true villaineth!" McNuln then ripped the duct tape off that
covered ETUM's and Encyclopedia Manager's mouths.
     "I didn't do it, I swear I didn't, I love animals, can't you all see!?  I'm just
a boy detective!" bawled Encyclopedia Manager, his boyish face streaming tears and
his thick glasses fogging up.  ETUM scowled but remained silent.
     "Any idea what *this* iseth?" Nuln accused, holding up a white powdery substance
on a glass microscope slide to Encyclopedia's eyes.  "It's a complexeth chemical
compoundeth foundeth on only *ONE* object in the universe.  And yet it was foundeth
at *everyeth* scene of the crime!"
     The room fell silent, except for the heavy breathing and soft whimpering of
Encyclopedia Manager, as McNuln paced in circles around the two possible culprits.
     "Whenst waseth the last time you shaved?" asked McNuln, finally coming to a
halt.  Everyone aside from McNuln looked at each other with a 'wtf?' look.
     "M-m-me?" asked Encyclopedia, and McNuln nodded.  "W-w-well, I'm only f-f-
fourteen, I haven't tried to shave yet.  I've heard it...burns!"
     "Then you wouldn'teth have a need for a caseth of these, would youeth!?!?"
McNuln pulled out a case of Bladette (tm) Cuttee's, a popular disposable razor on the
market.  "Which is preciselyeth where that chemicaleth compound from that sample
slide is foundeth: on the comfort stripseth of all Bladette (tm) razors!!!!!"
     All eyes in the room turned to ETUM, whose nervous smile seemed even more evil
thanks to the magnificent beard/goatee that impeccably framed it.
     "Wouldst thoueth be willingeth to submit a goatee sample to my labseth?" McNuln
mocked ETUM, then burst into maniacal laughter.
     And so the mystery, at long last was solved.  All returned to normal in the
peaceful town of Aradi.  ETUM was sent away to a state run boarding school, that
specialized in turning "evil" people into "not so evil" people.  Encyclopedia Manager
publicly forgave Sherlock McNuln for keeping him locked in a closet with ETUM, but
many years later would betray him after the two had opened a business together, and
would laugh as he passed McNuln penniless on the street.  Meanwhile Nuln and Lady E
got back to their lives, and were free to write TOGS spots about whatever whimsy
passed through their brain on any given day.  Like, say, a story about how Soultaker
became the fore-man at a local "Tickle Me Death Stud" factory.  Even Ed. was happy,
because although the story was long, it arrived early, and that was what mattered.
Oh, but what happened to the mirror in TUM's house?  Well, that's for another

                                       the end

          + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Aradi Nursery Rhymes ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Since Street Legal was off to attend Scrod Rock's wedding to Miss Anderson in
Paris and Roach was taken along so he could stop over to the Bulldog and Red Light
district in Amsterdam Zig Zag Man was left in charge temporarily.  He put the team
through a harder than usual practice and training session for he was perhaps more
unhappy with his team's performance than their manager.  Or so it appeared.  They
retired to the smoking lounge briefly before a large protein based meal was served.
The two new recruits, Hawaiian Kona and Monkey Paw, were given a hard introduction
into their new world of gladiatorial combat but they sure were loving the perks that
came afterward.
     After an hour of eating the finest meats and drinking the finest wine, finishing
with a bottle of Street Legal's favorite Serpent Wine smuggled from his private
conservatory to cap off the meal, they retired back to the smoking lounge.  Feelgood
took a long draw from the pipe and passed it to Ziggy.  "Why don't you tell our new
teammates some of your famous nursery rhymes there Ziggy!" exclaimed Feelgood,
coughing briefly.
     "Sounds like a fine idea, my friend.  I believe I have a few new ones that the
youngsters may enjoy!" he answered holding back a cough of his own.  "Ok you lily-
livered bunch of saplings, gather round and let me tell you a few nursery rhymes
that'll give you a bit of an idea of what Aradi is all about!"

"Hey, diddle, diddle,
A cat named Barnabas and the fiddle,
Betsy jumped over the moon.
The little LHI laughed
To see such sport,
And then TUM ran away with my <ahem> spoon."

"Hickory, dickory, dock,
The Jekyll ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
The Jekyll ran down!
Hickory, dickory, dock."

"Manny, be nimble,
Manny, be quick,
JManny, jump over
The candlestick.

Manny jumped high
Manny jumped low
Manny jumped over
and killed his foe."

"Three blind FONZ,
See how they run!
They all ran after farmer boB's wife,
Who cut off their tails with a carving knife.
Did you ever see such a sight in your life,
As three blind FONZ?"

"There was an old manager who lived in a shoe.
He had so many members, he didn't know what to do.
He gave them some broth,
Without any bread,
Whipped them all soundly, and sent them to bed."

     "Those are fine stories Mister Ziggy we enjoyed them very much!" said Hawaiian
Kona who spoke for Monkey Paw was busy curtailing his munchies with what else?  A
Banana.  "But do you have any more, perhaps more interesting, before we retire off to
our rooms?"
     "Why yes indeed, I do have a few more.  In fact these are old classics that I
believe you will enjoy more than the rest.  I believe I have told these many times
and they always go ever splendidly and get a good laugh." responded Zig-Zag Man.

"Little Miss A-Sop, sat at our playshop (RSI Underground Headquarters),
Typing and inputting away;
Along came a creepster,
Who sat down beside her
And frightened Miss A-Sop away."

     The two began to roll on the floor with uncontrolled laughter as they were
definitely in understanding of how absolutely frightening it would be.  I mean can
you imagine that weird old dude wobble down and saying something like, "Well hebbly
debbly howdily doodily doobily youby doo and a mightily whiteily zippity zoppity
hello?"  That would frighten any sane person half to death!

"LHI, LHI, quite contrary,
How do your TC's grow?
With transfers and clones,
And pretty maids all in a row."

     A small dead horse skeleton that is so far past rotten even the bones know bear
the marks of the War Flail it's been whipped with :-} is dragged out and flogged once

"Little bo BPeep has lost his sheep
And can't tell where to find them.
Leave them alone, And they'll come home,
Jekyll wagging their tails behind them."

     "I thought I heard he preferred chickens?" asked Monkey Paw perplexed.
     "And here's a final two for you." Ziggy said with a mischievous smile!

"Humpty Death Studty sat on a wall.
Humpty Studty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't get Studpty to 3 foot eleven again!"

     The whole room erupted in laughter!  "No matter how many times I here that one,
it never gets old!" roared out Doctor Feelgood spewing out the drag of Aradi Choice
he had just taken.

"There once was a man from Nantucket
Who set sail for Aradi in a bucket........."

     Feelgood interrupted.  "You can't tell them that one yet; save it for tomorrow!
They all retired away to their rooms and the two newest recruits spent half the night
trying to sleep but couldn't stop laughing long enough to actually sleep until nearly
five in the morning!"

        + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The New Rat Pack by Ghoti ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Ghoti and Street Legal were sitting on large over-stuffed arm chairs by the curb
in front of the Ogres Are Us guildhouse.  As recently stated, it had become a popular
place to hang.  Suddenly a caped figure sped by them on the street.  It was not a
large figure by people standards but a figure none the less.  On its shoulders sat a
fully cloaked figure, its head cowled in a full black robe and carrying a sickle.
     "Was that a red cape with blue undies that just ran by with a figure of death on
its shoulders?" asked Street of Ghoti.
     "I think so." responded Ghoti.  "I was more interested in the faces.  They
seemed to look familiar but it had a pointy noses and some very long whiskers." he
     Eventually the two of them shrugged it off and went on discussing upcoming
challenges in the TOGS and tossing rocks at unsuspecting tin cans in the road when
suddenly, from the other direction, someone with a green leotard and black mask
whisked by.  He was laughing in a rather maniacal fashion and all crouched over.  He
too had the odd looking pointy face with whiskers, the two managers noted.  Alongside
him was a sort of floating green slime.
     Next came two more of the odd figures, one in a grey leotard with a bat on the
front and black cape and mask and the other a red cape with green undies and a tight
yellow shirt.  They ran very quickly and almost silently.  Yet again they had pointy
noses and whiskers.  Almost rat like.
     Street said, "They looked almost familiar.  Kinda like Mannequin and Samwise the
     Time passed rather uneventfully for almost an hour when suddenly a pair of near
twins, each wearing hi-hipped womens', red white and blue bathing suits and a crown.
They skipped along in rhythm and without a care, humming some indiscernible tune.
They both stopped to bow to Ghoti and Street Legal and then trotted off with pointy
noses and whiskers held high.
     Street looked at Ghoti and guffawed so loudly it startled passers by.
Chortling, Street asked, "Hey Ghoti, I am pretty sure that was Ganolus and Hombre in
some kind of look alike Wonder Woman suit!  What do you think?"
     Ghoti smiled knowing he had to be right.  In fact it looked like the entirety of
FONZ in TOGS was somehow transformed into...well something other.
     A short time later, Manager and The Creepster came running up to Street and
Ghoti.  Ghoti had to look away from The Creepster due to the crazed look that would
send most people to the nearest shelter, and dared not try to interpret anything he
said without the Crazy Creeps Scribe in attendance.
     "What is going on?" asked Ghoti of Manager.
     Manager asked, "See anything odd lately?" with a large grin on his face.
     The Creepster rolled one hand over the other with a glassy look to his eyes
waiting for the answer.  "Yes." said Ghoti  "We saw several people wearing comic book
character suits and with pointed noses and whiskers.  Oddly enough some of the looked
to be FONZ members."
     Manager produced a small stick, almost a wand.  He held up some paper with
instructions for use on them.  Manager began to read it aloud.  "Hold one end in each
hand and say 'I wish to become...' and then state your favorite hero or villain."
     "Death Stud became Superman and Soultaker became Death." described Manager.
Continuing he said, "Mannequin and Samwise the Bald became Batman and Robin.  Nuln
and Snotto chose the Riddler and the Invisible Man.  And of course Hombe and Ganolus
both chose Wonder Woman."
     "Where did you get this thing?" asked Street Legal
     "The Creepster found it in A-Sop's Magic Curio Shop." said Manager
     "HOOPTY DOOPTY FUNERONIOUS!" bellowed The Creepster, making Ghoti shudder
     Turning the page of instructions over, manager continued reading.  "April Fools
year round!  It grants your wish and also turns you into what you really are.  HEHE,
which means they all turned into rats!  Except Death Stud, he could only manage a

                + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Wing Hove ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                           Barnabas The Buccaneer, Part IV

     Indimar Fallon and his companions, Cyber Punk and Pauly, scrambled out of the
bushes they had been hiding in to watch Barnabas begin his journey to the sea.  Each
lost in their own thoughts, no one spoke a word for several minutes while they
brushed leaves and twigs from their clothing.  Indimar was picking the larger bits of
debris from his hair when Pauly muttered an oath that would have made even Barnabas
     "What's the matter?" he heard Cyber Punk ask Pauly as he swiveled his head,
scanning the woods around them for any sign of trouble.
     "Awww, I sat on a snail," said a disgusted Pauly.  "I got snail guts all over my
nut sack.  Man, I just had it cleaned at Jekyll's Sack Wash too."
     "Jekyll's what?" asked Indimar and Cyber Punk at the same time.
     "Jekyll's Sack Wash.  I can't believe you haven't heard about it.  He has a
couple of really cool machines for washing the big stuff like gunny sacks and such,
but he hand washes all the nut sacks.  He does a great job too, my nut sack has never
been cleaner."
     "Well," said Indimar, "I wish him all the luck in the world.  If he does a nice
job with Aradi's nut sacks maybe people will start to warm up to him a little.  But
that's enough about Jekyll, let's get back to the task at hand.  Let's start by
getting to a place where these woods thin out a little."
     He turned and started picking his way through the undergrowth with Pauly and
Cyber Punk trailing behind.  After about twenty minutes they came upon a game trail
that led more or less in the direction of the dock where Indimar had first seen the
pirate vessel moored.  The going was much easier on the trail so they were closing in
rapidly on their destination when Cyber Punk called for a halt.
     "I need to step into the undergrowth for a few minutes," he said as he left the
trail and headed into a thick wall of brush about twenty yards from where they
     "He must be shy," Pauly said to his father as he stepped to one side of the
trail and began to answer the call of nature.
     "I guess I might as well make room for a few more doubleshots myself," replied
Indimar as he turned to the other side of the trail and followed Pauly's example.
     They were standing in the trail talking over what they had seen at the slough
and drinking a couple of Scrodbucks pulled from the backpack that Indimar had made
Pauly carry when Cyber Punk finally returned.
     "There you guys are," he said as he made his way back to the trail. "Carol at
Scrodbucks told me I would find you guys out here but I wasn't sure I'd be able to
find you.  What in the world are you doing way out here anyway?  Please tell me
you're not back on that demon muskrat thing again."
     "What did you do, hit your head on a low branch?" asked Indimar.  "You know
perfectly well we came out here to check on Barnabas and his pirate activities.  Now
quit joking around and let's get going."
     "So that was Barnabas I saw yellin' at those poor saps towing that ship down the
slough.  I would think you were talking crazy if I hadn't all ready seen him riding
the prow of that sloop.  But if you can't tell the Elephant from Cyber Punk maybe you
are losing your grip."
     "You're the one talking crazy," chimed in Pauly as Indimar stood looking at the
tiny man with a quizzical look on his face.  "We just watched you go into those
bushes less than ten minutes ago, Cyber Punk."
     "Look here youngster, you aren't so big that Elephant can't teach you manners.
I'm sure you did see Cyber head into the bushes, the point is he didn't stop on the
other side.  He was heading back to town to rip off your daddy.  My spies tell me
he's been stealing all along.  I guess he thought he could leave you guys out here
and make one last big score before he left the island.  Don't worry, Indimar, I got
the boys from Atlas Park guarding the store and your trainer, Tib Arne, is going to
make sure Cyber Punk is on the next ship leaving Aradi.  With any luck Barnabas will
sink it."
     "I don't know what you're trying to pull Cyber, but there is no way we're buying
that load of bull," snorted Pauly.  "Right, Indimar?"
     Pauly turned to see how Indimar was going to handle this and was surprised to
see his dad looking thoughtfully at the little man before him.
     "Tell me you're not buying this crap," pleaded Pauly.  "He's even wearing the
exact same clothes he was  when he went into the brush."
     Indimar and Cyber Punk/Elephant stood looking at each other for a slow count of
ten before Indimar swore softly under his breath and turned back to Pauly with a
     "If he says he's Elephant that's good enough for me," said Indimar.  "Besides,
we have bigger fish to fry.  Let's see if we can't get to that dock before nightfall.
Demon muskrat or no demon muskrat, there is no way I am hanging out in these woods
after dark."

        Tune in next turn to see if I can figure out how to wrap this up before the
next TOGS.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                Demons of Darkness #8 -- Rush Rush in the Guildhouse
                                     by Rillion

     Rillion frantically rushed around his guildhouse.  So much to do, so little
time.  That was always the problem with a vacation.  Making sure all the work was
done beforehand so you could actually get out and relax for a few days and not
suddenly realize you left a bunch of work undone, strategy sheets unsubmitted, and
especially, a TOGS spotlight unfiled.  On top of all that Rillion was dealing with
all the hassle of being in the market for a new guildhouse.  Brokers, loan agents,
and all that.  He cursed to himself as his mind was running fifteen different
directions, the magical flying coach was due to depart and still the TOGS spotlight
had to be done.
     As he shuffled through the paperwork he came across a document that made him
stop what he was doing, that cleared away the various other things that occupied his
mind and replaced it all with a seething rage.  It was a report from The Greek Guy on
Zenar, one of his new recruits that had been proxied by TGG at the tournament.  It
described in detail how great Zenar was fighting.  Previous Parry-Ripostes that had
fought for Rillion had a combined record of 1-13 in the Rookies.  Yet Zenar was
winning fights, riposting and beating the offensives and hanging around a long time
and picking apart the scum.  He was on the bubble yet he was getting close to a TV,
he only need two more victories.  Then he fought one of Manager's warriors.  It had
been a quick fight and Zenar had taken some damage, quitting early.  But then, an
hour later word came from the Infirmary.  Zenar was dead.
     The Greek Guy, being a Private Detective in his spare time, had headed over
there to find out what happened.  He knew Rillion would be upset that this promising
young Parry Riposte had died.  Especially since he would have need of him in the TOGS
competition.  TGG had asked questions and searched for clues.  His report on the
investigation was what filled Rillion with rage.  After Zenar had been brought to the
infirmary, an underhanded, devious, backstabbing creature had snuck into the
infirmary and made sure that Zenar did not live to return to compete in the TOGS.  It
was the Incarnation of Evil, a Master of Deception that went by many names.  It has
been called Dwayne the Dog when in its talking canine form, The Impresario when
orchestrating schemes to friends against each other, RageMan when seeking to hide his
true identity in TOGS, but most knew him by the name Manager.
     Rillion crumpled the report into a ball and hurled it against the wall.  He
shoved his half-packed luggage off his desk violently.  Forget the vacation, forget
the search for a new guildhouse, forget the brokers and forget the loan agents.
These had all been cleared from his thoughts to be replaced by a new focus.  He
hastily grabbed a new stack of strategy sheets to give program his golems with, he
filled in new challenge orders, and refocused himself.  Now there was only thing on
his mind, he would have his REVENGE!

        + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Cleaning Up the Wreckage ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "Oh, my aching head."  TUM supposed that this comment as for himself, for of
course he was snug in his bed all alone, right?
     "You ok?"
     "I-I'm--Pufhwhhhaaabaaa."  For those not in the know, that is the sound made
when you inhale a significant amount of sand.  Do yourself a favor and do not attempt
to independently verify this.
     "TUM?  TUM?!?"  TUM felt his head pulled back abruptly.  It was a toss-up as to
whether he felt better because the sand was coming out of his lungs or he felt worse
because his head was almost pulled off his body.  Either way, the oxygen was welcome.
     TUM thrashed over backwards in an athletic move that would have never been
possible had he still held onto his wits.
     He found himself staring into the upside down face of The Sentinel.
     "I better ask again.  Are you ok, TUM?"
     "I.  Uh.  I.
     The Sentinel squinted, studying.  "You're not E--...no, your beard looks much
more disheveled and unkempt.  And you don't look as evil.  You just look...what's the
     "That too.  Sentinel, can I ask you a question?"
     "This should be good."
     "Where am I?"
     "The arena sands."
     No bells.  He didn't remember volunteering to become a warrior.  And he probably
wouldn't be alive if he had.  "The sands?  I don't get it.  How?  When?  What?"  TUM
looked around.  He saw no empty bottles, though his headache certainly implied
     "What am I doing here?"
     The Sentinel laughed.  "You're kidding, right?  You don't know?"
     "Should I?"
     "I'll give you a hint.  It starts with a T."
     "No way.  I haven't had tequila in years.  Don't touch the stuff anymore.  Not
since that thing with the sheep."
     The Sentinel, to his unending credit, ignored that.  "Not tequila.  I'll give
you a hint.  It comes every trimester."
     "Am I pregnant?  I don't feel morning sick...exactly.  Plus I can't afford
another kid!"
     "It ends with ourney, you goof."
     "I've never felt less horny, frankly."
     The Sentinel, as is his way, showed amazing patience.  "Put it with the T, TUM."
     "Bingo.  Congrats on the TCs, by the way."
     TUM searched his memory.  "Tourney.  Tourney...tourney.  There _was_ a tourney,
wasn't there?"
     "Nothing gets by you, TUM."
     "But what happened to me?  Why do I feel ten years older?"
     "I don't know, but I can guess."
     "It was the most amazing thing.  I never saw a manager micro-manage so many
warriors simultaneously.  You just ran from arena to arena, yelling instructions,
giving tips.  Never saw anything like it.  How many warriors did you enter?"
     "A hundred.  Maybe a hundred and ten."
     "You're out of your mind.  Personally, my favorite part was when your warrior
won the initiates.  You passed out just before the fight ended."
     "Probably not my proudest moment."
     "I can understand that."
     "I'll tell you one thing, Sentinel.  I swear, I will never do that again, as
long as I live."
     "Uh huh.  Get some sleep, TUM."  The Sentinel clapped TUM on the shoulder--not
an easy feat considering TUM was still spread eagled on the ground.
     TUM smiled weakly and thought about getting up.  He fell back asleep instead.
     Hours later, TUM found himself staggering off the sands.  Alone--or so he
thought until he stumbled over another pair of bodies.
     "Muffy?  LHI?  You guys breathing?  Oh, and congrats on those TCs."

               + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Double X'd ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                    by Atlas Park

     The sun had just begun to rise as Pauly made his way towards the Scrodbucks
Shop.  Pauly couldn't believe his eyes.  People were going up to the shop reading
some sign and turning around in disgust.  What is going on thought Pauly.  As he got
closer he realized the shop was closed.  But why?  Scrodbucks is never closed.  Pauly
finally made it to the sign.  "Closed, for inventory purposes, will reopen tomorrow
morning at 5:00 am."  Pauly used his key and opened the door.
     "Close that right away!!" called out Indimar.
     "Ok, ok, what's the big deal?"
     "Just close it then I'll tell you."
     "There's something I really need to tell you also, dad."
     "It's going to have to wait!  Read this."
     Indimar handed Pauly a letter:

     I finally found someone that actually pays less than you.  I was grossly
underpaid by the Aradi Free Press, even after making the front page with the picture
of Ganolus and Manager crying at the Kelly Clarkson Concert.  The large sums of money
you saw my loading into the duffel bag was yours.  I did enjoy partnering in TOGS.  I
am officially retiring as manager of Atlas Park.  Please take care of those warriors
for me.  They had nothing to do with me taking the money.  Someday you'll understand.

     "So what do you think?" asked Indimar
     "Actually I'm speechless, dad."
     "Well, there was something you needed to tell me?"
     "Yes, but now I'd rather show you now.  I packed some pancakes.  Grab some syrup
and follow me."
     The two left the Scrodbucks Shop and started making their way to the slough
where they had seen Barnabas earlier.  This time Indimar was eating twice as many
pancakes as Pauly.
     "Dad, are you crying?"
     "No son.  It feels funny saying this, but I'm actually going to miss that
     "Hold that thought."
     The two arrived at the slough and saw Barnabas' ship.  On the top deck were
Barnabas and Cyberpunk.
     "Pauly, on the count of three, we are going to rush the ship, I have to save my
partner.  Look at the patch on his eye, Barnabas must've cut his eye out."
     "No, dad, that's what I needed to tell you.  Cyberpunk is a pirate just like
     "Let's move closer, I want to hear what they are saying." said Indimar.
     The two made their way closer to the ship and could then hear Barnabas and
     "I told you it would work." boasted Cyberpunk.
     "Ar, you did, you did."
     "Easiest money I ever made.  I still can't believe that buffoon thought I was a
     "What are we goin to do with all this money?" asks Barnabas.
     "Plan A, but for now like have some fun."
     "What do ya wanna do?"
     "Bring out the gimp!"
     "But the gimp is sleeping."
     "Well I guess you'll have to go wake up now, won't you."
     Barnabas went below decks.  Pauly motioned to Indimar to leave.  Pauly had to
cover Indimar's mouth to prevent the others from hearing his father's crying.
     "It's all right dad, it's all right.  I'm here for you."
     "But it's not fair, I don't understand." cried Indimar.
     Back on the ship, Barnabas returned topside with a man dressed in a leather
bikini and a bondage type mask with a ball covering the figure's mouth.
     "Here he is Cyber, what now?" asked Barnabas.
     "Bring that Buccaneer fan here.  You like the Bucs?  The Bucs suck just like
     Cyberpunk backhanded the gimp and laughed as the gimp fell to the deck.
     "Barnabas, he's a Buccaneer fan.  Hit him in his bucking ear."
     "You still like the Bucs?  Take that and that."
     Barnabas continued hitting the gimp in his ear over and over.  The screams could
be heard for miles.  Meanwhile Pauly and Indimar were making their way back to the
Scrodbucks Shop.
     "Don't worry dad, I won't tell anyone you were crying over Cyberpunk."
     "Thank you son, I really appreciate that.  Did you hear those screams?"
     "Yes and do you know who that gimp was?"
     "I sure do."
     Suddenly two were interrupted by a loud thundering sound.  As they looked to the
north, a huge cloud of dust was making its way towards Aradi.
     "He's back!!!!"
     Indimar pointed towards the dust cloud.  Out of the dust cloud came fifteen
elephants and one enormous mammoth.  Riding on the lead elephant was Elephant.

           + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ A Brooding Seraphim ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Seraphim sat at his desk reviewing the information in front of him.  The grand
tournament held mixed results, while he enjoyed the time spent with the other
managers that attended (not necessarily enjoying the mental abuse imposed upon him by
A-sop) and learned a great deal from those senior managers that were willing to share
their insights, he was still troubled.  The guild in Aradi was still not getting
quality performers and G Dubyah had about played himself out.  Now about all he could
expect was to limp to the TOGS finish line, and since his performance to date could
be described as little better than a limp he was less than pleased.  It was a forgone
conclusion that the Dilligaf Legion's days were numbered, as soon as TOGS ended they
would probably lose their funding and be forced to close their doors.  He had hoped
to meet a few managers in particular at the tournament but not all were in
attendance.  Soultaker was high on his list of those to buy drinks for, but
apparently the lady of his house wears the pants and would not let him come out to
play that day.  Also eager to meet the Mannequin, only to find that he was more apt
to show when the weather was cooler most often staying away from tournaments that
might be held in the heat of the summer.  The colossal Death Stud was also absent,
much to Seraphim's dismay.  It is always a brighter day when that one makes an
appearance.  Still there were parties to attend and fun was had by all (particularly
by LHI and eTum who had apparently acquired several officials since the last
tournament as the awards were very noticeably all pointed in their direction.
Shaking his head to clear his thoughts Seraphim  got down to business; there was
little to gain by brooding on the past (even the recent past) and while he generally
tried to learn from history he never tried to dwell upon it.  There was a lot of work
to be done in Aradi and he knew it.  There would be no more recruits, and the ones he
had were clearly not up for any major engagements, the only way he could turn things
around was to roll the dice and tempt fate.  No warrior would enter this week with
challenge orders, and no warriors would be avoided, his hopes were that the increased
tempo of the contest would increase the bloodlust in other managers and a lucky
replacement might be in his future.  The Dark Arena was now off limits to him as the
turn around for new recruits was too long a process to gamble with, the contest was
more than half finished but it seemed it was far from over.  He set about his
directives with a prayer on his lips, a new style of management was needed along with
a whole heaping of luck (maybe several heapings).  As long as there was a chance
though, Seraphim would take it with a prayer on his lips, hopefully the mistress of
luck was listening, and on his side!

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
      -----     -----    Samwise the Bald / Childhood Trauma    -----     -----

     It's been one of those weeks.  "Real" life has been kicking the ample backside
of the manager known as Samwise.  Because I don't want to give a half-hearted effort
to my spotlight about the Main Event for the Alastari Wrestling Federation event, I'm
going to postpone that spotlight until next turn.  As a result, Aradi, your get this
drivel this turn.  I make no excuses.  This is a pathetic excuse for a spotlight.
However, desperate times call for desperate measures.  For this turn, I'm going to
give you a random collection of 10 thoughts about the TOGS to this point.  I look
forward to being awarded a Pink Pantaloon to go along with my White Headband.

1.  As well as Mannequin and I have done to this point in the TOGS, Death Stud's
performance has been out of this world.  If not for Soultanchor's performance to
date, Team 2 would be in second place.
2.  Yes, Soultanchor, you did indeed suggest that Mannequin and I partner.  For that,
I begrudgingly offer you my thanks.
3.  I'm interested to see how the Soultanchor-Rascally Rabbit partnership develops.
I predict that the S&M Club will close within six months.
4.  Ganolus, thank you for your praise.  It makes my chest swell to hear such things
from a manager I respect as much as you.
5.  Soultanchor actually believes I am married to Patty the Fatty?  Now, THAT is
funny!  You must have gotten that information from the same party that's helping you
scout your opponents and plan your strategies.  It's hard for me to imagine how such
an erroneous report would surface.
6.  Seraphim, I must acknowledge your challenge of Clapton as the stroke of genius it
was.  Even bolder was your "called shot."  I look forward to Mannequin reducing your
team numbers in the coming turns.
7.  To continue thought # 6, might I expect G Dubyah to challenge Malt-O-Meal in the
coming turns?  You know how that match up went in the Mail In.  Rest assured, I'm
using a killing strategy on the "if challenged" part of my strategy sheet.
8.  I can't believe that with as many TV Challenges available to Team 2 (in
particular the 4 I started TOGS with), we only have a 51-point lead on Death Stud and
9.  When I saw that Cobra XXI was getting close to a TV, I was actively rooting
against him.  When it became a forgone conclusion that he would TV, I rooted for him
to TC.  Why not?  Anything for the glory of the FONZ and Aradi.
10.  The rest of the DM world would be SHOCKED to know just how little my partner and
I, as well as the FONZ as a group, have collaborated to this point.

Well, that's enough drivel to this point.  I hope you agonize as you read this as
much as I did writing it.  Until next turn, Aradi.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                    ----- ----- ----- Soultaker ----- ----- -----

     Boredom had set in on Soultaker and his ever-faithful pal Death Stud.  They had
spent the better part of twenty minutes on preparing for the upcoming challenges.
     "I can't believe we are wasting this much time on this stupid contest,"
Soultaker whined.
     "We have talked about this before.  We have to discuss what each of us is going
to try and do and plan the best strategies.  You agreed to this before we started, so
don't start your complaining now," Stud snapped back at the frustrated non-alliance,
mega-manger, has-been, mini-manager, and brain-cloud stricken Soultaker.
     "I know I agreed to pay attention and put forth effort, but I still think that
wasting so much time on this is over-kill," (as a quick side note I found that the
use of 425 hyphens will count for five extra lines) Soultaker argued.
     "Too much time.  Heck, we have only been at it for about a half-hour.  I know
that Manager spends days trying to gather as much information as he can before
organizing his plans for the upcoming battles.  If we were to spend more time like
Manager," Death Stud piped in before being interrupted by Soultaker.
     "Yeah and what has all that time he has spend gotten him?  Huh?  Wow a whole big
seventh place, if that high.  The sad part is that the crazy guy is incapable of
sitting down for more then five minutes and interacting with someone else and he has
carry their team.  What does that say for your theory of more time planning,"
Soultaker folded his arms as if to rest his case.
     "What I am trying to say is that if you spent more time on studying your
opponents we might be doing better right now.  I have been busting my butt to keep us
close to the lead but it seems you aren't willing to put forth the same effort," Stud
     "Whoa, now we have gotten to the blockage that has you all anal.  You think that
by spending more time talking about how good or bad a manager is will make my record
better?  The reason I am doing poorly is because no matter how many blocks I've put
in their way, the other managers have gotten the better match-ups.  I have been out-
managed pure and simple.  I could spend hours and still would not have done much
better," Soultaker defended himself.  "I am not saying that I haven't made a few bad
decisions so far, but I am not going to waste my time, and I sure am not going to
waste the money for setting up spy rings to beat these managers here in Aradi.  Heck
they already accuse us of colluding with fellow FONZ members to hold them down.  I
can tell you that boB had no problem owning my butt for four weeks.  Sooner or later
they will come to understand that the reason the FONZ is all at the top is because
they are just better then the others," Soultaker was now preaching and Stud knew that
any chance of talking about the subject would just prolong the soap-box rhetoric.
     "I understand what you're saying and I can agree in part with it, but let's just
leave it alone for now.  I am sure we can argue this for hours and days.  I would
rather talk about Samwise and Mannequin.  They have jumped out into a huge lead,"
Stud turned the conversation back into something productive.
     "OK, Samwise is a donkey and Mannequin is a psychopath," Soultaker glibly
retorted.  "Are we done now?"
     "I was hoping for a little more constructive conversation than you resorting to
sarcasm.  I really think we have a chance to do some damage to them now.  When this
started they had some amazing warriors in the contest but thanks to a few deaths and
the loss of champion and victor honors they are no longer untouchable.  Mannequin no
longer has a champion thanks to some impressive cloak-and-dagger work.  Samwise has
lost all but two of his victor honors which leaves three of his warriors available to
challenges," Stud rattled off his mental checklist.
     "I am sorry, my friend, but I have a real hard time getting all worked up over
this.  Samwise isn't capable of counting his toes by himself, even if he could see
them.  You and I know he is just a puppet of the real brain-trust, Sandman.  Now if
Sandman were here I might start to worry, but then again I doubt it.  I am sure that
Sandman is watching over this stable pretty closely, but I can almost guarantee by
the tenth week he will have acquired a hangnail or stubbed his toe and have to
withdraw due to his inability to concentrate.  You know, just between you and me.  I
think Sandman should have been a "Larq", since they never seem to be able to finish
the contest either.  As for Mannequin, he is going to spend most of his time being
owned by blood-feuds.  His psychopathic nature will be his downfall.  Have you seen
him in the stands during the battles?  He goes into sort of a trance, drool starts to
run from the corners of his mouth.  He often starts to shake and mimic the actions of
the warriors on the sands, you know much like Guardian does.  You see his bloodlust
will get in the way of winning the contest," Soultaker paused for a bit of air and
continued on.  "If you feel the need to worry then direct it towards Manager and
Creepster.  Creepster seems to have an angel on his shoulder.  It seems that those
people afflicted with brain damage always have something intangible there to help
them through the day.  The Consortium recognized the almost autistic abilities of the
babbling buffoon and he has proven them correct in giving him his own stable.  It
just kills me that he is unable to tie his own shoes but he can get the most out of
his warriors."
     "Wait a minute you just said earlier not to worry about Manager.  Now you are
telling me they need watching," Stud lowered his head in his hands and began to rub
his temples.
     "I know what I said.  The reason we have to watch out for Manager is because his
greatest attribute is his ability to misdirect.  He is the Puppet-Master.  I have
seen him pull the strings and made many of the best managers in all of Alastari jump
to his wishes.  His uncanny ability to misdirect attention from himself and on to
others is probably the best I have ever seen.  I have seen him drive wedges between
close friends causing the destruction of numerous alliances.  I have seen him
manipulate adversaries into secret alliances just so he could claim another arena
domination.  He has been known to organize numerous secret pacts to try and destroy
other teams.  He has brought in mercenaries from outside to disrupt.  Heck, he has
changed his name so much that the hall of records has had to add a new wing to store
all of the changes.  I can bet that he will do all in his power to ensure everyone is
going after everybody but him and Creepster.  He would not normally prove much of a
challenge but his conniving will allow him a free path to the top of the contest,"
Soultaker was on a roll and Death Stud continued to rub his temples.  This was going
to be a long night, kept running though Stud's head as he tried to block out his

           + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Snotman's Spotlight ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                The Maltese Nut Sack

     The chair beneath me creaked as I shifted my weight to get more comfortable.
I'd been sitting here a long time and I'd probably continue sitting here for quite a
while longer.  Business was slow and in my line of work that mean a lot of time
sitting on my duff.  I opened the desk drawer and pulled out a flask.  Whiskey of
course.  But when business is slow it's not the good stuff.  Part of the problem was
Encyclopedia Manager.  He'd solve your problems for a quarter and he'd have it all
done by the next spotlight.  I charged considerably more I and my cases were never
that quick and clean.  But there was always a place for guys like me.  For things
that you can't take to the cops and for problems where knowing who done it was only
half the battle (GI Joe!).  I took a slug from the flask and stuffed it back in the
drawer.  I heard a clatter of footsteps on the stairwell and I kicked my feet off my
desk just in time to look completely professional for the stacked brunette that
pushed open my office door.  To say that she was a knockout was an understatement.
She was wearing a white blouse and a medium length black skirt and she had all the
right curves in all the right places.  And those legs.  A spectacular set of legs.
They went all the way to the top.  I've seen Pandora up close, and she'd better get
herself to a step aerobics class because there were some new legs in town.  I managed
to take this all in a single glance and then casually motioned that she should sit in
the chair across from my desk.  As she leaned over to move the pile of books off the
chair I got a glimpse of her rack and it gave her legs a run for their money.  She
pulled out a white handkerchief and gave the chair a quick wipe before gingerly
settling down in it as though she was afraid it had teeth and might bite her at any
moment.  She said her name was Miss Wonderly and she needed some help.  I could tell
that she needed help, no one comes to me until they've tried everything else they can
think of.  She was all choked up and could barely start her story so I offered her a
drink.  No, not the stuff I keep in my drawer, the good stuff.  Scotch on the rocks.
She took a good slug and I had to smile appreciatively.  I like a girl who knows how
to drink.  She dabbed at her eye and I grimaced when I saw the mascara and dust from
the seat.  That looked like linen and I knew that her next trip to be to the dry
cleaners.  Luckily there was one right across the street from me.  We had a little
understanding.  I send a little business their way and I get a discount on removing
bloodstains from my suit.  By the way, my name is King, Wayne King.  I'm a private
eye.  After the liquid fire had settled her nerves she finally let the whole thing
spill out.  Her sister was missing and the last time she'd had any contact with her,
she been dating this shady guy called the "Fat Man".  That name didn't ring a bell
with me, I mean sure, we have a fine selection of nefarious underworld types in Aradi
and we have some really fat people.  Balding ones too.  But I didn't know of anyone
who went by the moniker, Fat Man.  She said that she'd pay me two hundred golden
eagles if I'd find her sister.  I was a little down on my luck right now so I was
gonna say yes no matter what, but the way her eyes shimmered with tears as she leaned
forward and asked me to help her, with desperation quivering in her voice, didn't
hurt neither.  I told her not to worry, that her sister was as good as found.  I wish
I felt as confident.  A girl could get into a lot of trouble in Aradi and it sounded
as though her sister had found herself a prize catch.  As she looked over her
shoulder and gave me one last tearful smile, I saw the white dust that was clinging
to her delightful derriere and realized that she'd be dry cleaning that skirt too.  I
grabbed my hat and coat and was about to head out into the dank Aradi fog when the
phone rang.  A man's voice on the other end said that if I wanted to know more about
the Wonderly girl I should meet him in front of the Blinking Starfish in 20 minutes.
When I demanded to know who it was, the phone went dead and I was left with a sick
feeling in my stomach.  This was definitely a clue, but a pretty suspicious one.  I
decided that was a risk that I was just gonna have to take.  I packed my trusty
revolver into my coat pocket, donned my hat and headed out.  When I got there, the
Blinking Starfish was closed up tight and dark.  I stood around for a few minutes
before I heard a pssst from an alleyway behind an the Blinking Starfish.  I stuck my
hoof in my pocket, feeling the cold reassurance of my pistol and carefully made my
way to the alleyway entrance.  There must have been a second guy, hiding in a doorway
somewhere because my head exploded with stars and I collapsed to the ground.  A large
redhead in a trenchcoat kicked the revolver out of my hand and a short guy with a
weasely face stepped out of the gloom.  He told me that I should stay away from Miss
Wonderly.  I told him that I didn't know what he was talking about and received a
steelshod boot from the redhead.  After that they didn't bother with declarations and
I didn't bother protesting my innocence.  They just got down to the business of
beating me senseless.  When I came to, I was busted up pretty good. I'd definitely be
needing another trip to the dry cleaner to get the new bloodstains out.

To be continued in the next installment of the Maltese Nut Sack

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "You have no idea how much it pains me to announce this year's TOGS champions,"
said Death Stud, as he made his way to his lofty perch behind a speaker's podium on
the stage in Aradi's Convention Center.  In order to see above the podium he had
stacked every known surviving copy of the 'Red Book of Lies'; the newsletters from
each of the previous TOGS contests; the 'secret' Aradi style-list kept by the FONZ
non-alliance alliance; and, for good measure, a single sheet of paper listing
Manager's previous TOGS achievements.  Climbing the stack and settling himself in
place, he continued, "Though every effort was made to prevent Team 2 from running
away with this year's contest, it was to no avail.  It is a testament to their skill
(LUCK), strategy (LUCK) and good fortune (LUCKY *&#*@!).  A special note of thanks
from the rest of the arena to Soultanchor, my partner, for recommending this team's
pairing in the first place (STUPID *&#@!).  Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this
year's TOGS is...."
     "Cock-a-doodle do!" crowed a rooster, somewhere outside Mannequin's bedroom
window.  Mannequin, startled from his deep slumber, shot out of bed and fell to the
     "Darn bird!" yelled Mannequin.  His dream of a TOGS victory vanished when the
rude little rooster announced his pre-dawn presence with authority.  Reaching for the
closest object at hand, an unopened can of Olympia beer still hanging from its
plastic six-pack ring, Mannequin threw it angrily out the window in the direction of
the unruly rooster.  "I hope someone wrings your neck, you little twerp!" said
     Mannequin climbed back into bed and stared wistfully at the ceiling, trying to
recapture the last vestiges of his dream.  The memory of it faded away as he slowly
awakened.  It always seemed like his dreams were interrupted just when they were
getting to the good parts.  He hated that.  He never got a chance to see how they
ended.  Deciding that he might as well get up and begin his day, he swung his legs
over the side of the bed and got up.  The skies were lightening though the sun had
not yet begun to rise.  He dressed quickly, thinking a walk and a good cup of coffee
would be a great way to start the day.
     The streets of Aradi were nearly deserted as he walked a short distance to the
nearest Scrodbucks.  Ordering his usual, he chatted with the barista for a few
minutes before leaving the store.  Coffee in hand, Mannequin walked a few blocks down
the street until he reached the doors of the local Gold's Gym.  He waved to the front
desk attendant as he entered the dimly lit gym.  Weaving his way through the exercise
equipment on the main floor he made his way to the rear of the gym.  There, in the
deep, dark recess of the gym, a lone figure was working out on a treadmill under a
spotlight.  It was The Creepster, the only manager in Aradi that Mannequin knew would
be awake at such an early hour.  A known fitness fanatic, he was famous for his early
morning work-outs.  This morning appeared to be no different.  The Creepster,
sweating profusely, was setting a blistering pace and seemed to be having his own
private 'Flashdance' moment.  Very impressive.  Mannequin thought he was going at
least 0.5 mph.
     "Morning, Creepy," said Mannequin as he positioned himself next to the
     The Creepster ignored him.
     Mannequin reached his free hand forward and waved it front of The Creepster's
     Once again, Mannequin said, "Morning, Creepy".
     Releasing the death grip he had on the treadmill's handle bars, The Creepster
pressed a button and brought the treadmill to a halt.  "Yrros.  DOPI ym ot gninetsil
saw I," he said as he removed a pair of earplugs from his ears.
     "That's OK, what are you listening to?" said Mannequin.
     "Noskralc Yllek," replied The Creepster.
     Mannequin looked disgusted.  "Really?  You got to be kidding me.  Kelly
     The Creepster, looking away, shrugged his shoulders.
     "Creepy, I want to thank you for managing my stable during the tournament," said
     "Emoclew ruoy.  Dluoc I tseb eht did I," replied The Creepster.
     "Yeah, I know you did.  The thing is, I've heard some rumors of funny goings on
during the tourney.  I'm not saying you were directly responsible for how poorly my
team fared but I'm willing to believe you may have looked the other way in regards to
their well being," said Mannequin.
     The Creepster froze.  Clearly agitated by Mannequin's remarks, the sweat had
begun pouring down his face.  "Tuoba gniklat era uoy tahw wonk t'nod I erus m'I," he
     "You don't have to lie.  I know who you are trying to protect," said Mannequin.
With a deadly look in his eyes, he began punching buttons and set the treadmill to
its top speed.  "Have a drink on me," said Mannequin, setting his coffee on the start
button.  The treadmill leapt to life, catching The Creepster off-guard.  He fell flat
on his face and was hurtled backwards off the treadmill into the wall behind him,
killing him instantly.
     Mannequin left the gym and took his time walking home.  It was almost noon by
the time he returned to his guildhouse.  As he walked through the door he smelled
something wonderful cooking in the kitchen.  He was about to enter the kitchen when
three odd looking men entered the room.
     "Hi.  I'm Larry, and this is my brother Daryl and my other brother, Daryl," said
the oldest of the three.
     The new staff.  "Guys, I told, you don't have to introduce yourself every time I
see you.  I know who you are," said Mannequin.
     They nodded in unison.  "Whatever you say, you're the boss," said Larry.
     "It smells great in here.  What's for lunch?" asked Mannequin.
     Daryl pretended to flap his arms like wings.  His other brother Daryl pretended
to crow like a rooster.  "Chicken," said Larry.
     Mannequin knew the trio was an accomplished group of foragers but he had no idea
their skills carried over into the kitchen.  "How did you prepare it?" he asked.
     "Oh, there was nothing to it really," said Larry.  "Daryl found it lying in the
yard and we threw it on the grill as is.  Daryl calls it 'Beer Can Chicken' on
account of the way he found it.  Strangest thing, it being impaled by a full beer can
and all...."

               + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Bizzle ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "Hello?... Hello?...  HELLO?!?!"  Hombre cried out in utter hopeless dismay.  He
turned to his pal Ganolus and looked at him with a troubled face.  "Where the heck is
this place?"
     Ganolus reached into his pocket and pulled out the parchment of paper.  "Looking
at the map, 9 Fingers Leper Colony should be just up ahead." he commented.  "Look,
right over there!" he pointed excitedly.  Ganolus had high hopes for Hombre to
finally get a fifth replacement warrior on his team.  It's true the commission had
really been screwing Hombre with the replacements they had been sending him but
perhaps a better manager could have done something with them?
     A figure walked out of the building and met the two managers.  "Welcome, I am
Anydone, manager of 9 Fingers Leper Colony.  I'll take you around and show you some
of the...more 'qualified' candidates."
     The three walked into the building and into a beautiful courtyard.
     "Hey watch it!" a voice screamed from below.  Hombre and Ganolus looked down to
see a man with no arms and no legs just laying in front of the doorway.
     "Geez, I'm uh...really sorry?" sputtered Hombre.
     "This is your first candidate for your fifth replacement warrior Hombre, his
name is MATT." said Anydone.   Ganolus burst into laughter.
     "Shhhh..." Hombre tried to not laugh as well while trying to keep his friend
     The manager cleared her throat.  "Ahem, well then, shall we keep looking?  Your
next candidate is that girl over by the big oak tree."
     Hombre and Ganolus hurriedly altered their gaze to look away from the sight of
Matt.  There by the tree they saw a beautiful girl who was missing her left arm and
left leg....  The two managers tilted their heads to the right and then realized the
girl was at an angle against the tree.
     "Eileen, could you...uhm...'hop' over here please?" yelled Anydone.  Again
Ganolus cracked up.  Hombre started to shake his head realizing that he would be
unable to fill his team before the end of TOGS.
     "Hey, they are better than what the commission has sent you." quipped Ganolus.
     "Yeah, I guess, but come on?  There had better be more to choose from than
this?" Hombre answered stressfully.  "I would like to keep looking if that's ok, I
mean we did come all this way."
     "But of course Mr. Hombre.  Right this way."

     A short pleasant walk later the three 'managers' came to the pool area and
noticed another Leprous, no armed, no legged gentleman floating gleefully in the
crystal waters....
     "Bob!  Can you come over here and meet someone?"  There was a loud thud as
Ganolus hit the ground clutching his stomach in a mixture of laughing and crying.
"You see, Ms Anydone, I'm looking for someone a little bit more...deadly?  I train
gladiators for fighting in the arena."
     "HEY!" a voice ripped through the courtyard.  "Yeah you--warrior trainer guy!
Come here!"  Hombre looked over at another man with no arms and no legs hanging on
the wall over by the cafe section.  Hombre walked over to talk to him alone, as
Ganolus was still on the ground guffawing.
     "Y-y-y-yes?" Hombre said nervously.  "What can I do for you...Mr...Mr..."
     "ART.  My name is Art.  Could you do me favor and scratch my in-between, it's
been itchy all day."
     Hombre almost threw up at the thought but didn't want to make a scene so he held
his breath and scratched Art's in-between.
     "HA!" yelled Art.  "Now you have leprosy and will die in a mere 10 years!  How's
that for deadly, punk!?"
     Hombre screamed with delight.  "It's perfect, no it's more than perfect,
it's....  Wait?  10 years?" yelled Hombre.  "The gladiatorial commission will never
go for fights that last 10 years...I mean if I was the Consortium I could get 3-4
years, but 10?"  Hombre grabbed his friend Ganolus and raced for the door.
     "Where are we going?" asked the Druid.
     "This isn't going to work.  I've heard of a guy that lives not too far from here
who is Edward Scissorhands' less famous brother.  We have to hurry though, TOGS is
almost over and I have leprosy."

-- wow that was childish, no?

           + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Aradi Resort & Spa ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a crazy TOGS.
That started in Aradi's port,
Overrun with scrods.
With Nuln, a mighty Chaos Lord,
The Death Stud, TOGS Commish.
Eight managers set sail that day,
In search of a fish, but not just any fish...
The weather started getting rough,
The managers got soaked.
If not for the wild luck of the Fearless Two,
Everyone would have croaked; Everyone would have croaked.
Their ship took ground on the shore of some Aradi desert isle,
with Mannequin, and Samwise too,
and Soultaker, and Lord Nuln,
the Lady A, Death Stud, Snotman, and Lady E,
here on some Aradi desert isle.

And then, after my next turn's episode of what happened in 31 lines or more of fun
with the tale of the Eight Managers and a really BIG Fish, we would hear....

So this was the tale of our castaways,
They actually found that fish.
They'll have to get back to the TOGS,
The turn can't be missed.
Mannequin and Samwise still try,
To do their very best,
To keep the others far behind,
In this crazy TOGS contest.
The top three teams, and Aradi Queens
How did they find that fish?
Like any good mystery,
It's time to make a wish.
So join us here next turn, my friend,
You're sure to get the rest.
About eight stranded managers,
From a crazy contest.

I'd write the episode but it's 2:30am in the morning now and I have to get up in five
more hours, and to be honest, I need the sleep more!  So good night, Gracie!  I think
an hour to come up with rhymes that fit this more than makes up for length of the
lines, and if it doesn't.  Oh well.  :P

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
        -----     -----     -----    Death Stud    -----     -----     -----

     In the TOGS war room that Death Stud and Soultaker shared, the two managers had
been poring over their challenges, strategemizing furiously for hours.  Death Stud
put down him pencil and rubbed his temples.  "Man, I just can't do this anymore.
We've been over and over this ten times already and I've got to get out of here for a
while.  Can you hitch the cart and drive me up to the market?  Nuln and Snotman are
coming over to help stucco the foyer today and we need to be good hosts and make sure
there is plenty of snotling urine and scrod chips."
     "I hate going to the market with you.  You never listen to me and get all kinds
of stupid stuff and generally tick me off.  Every time I go with you, I swear that
I'm never going to again." Soultaker protested.
     As usual, Death Stud ignored his friend's incessant complaining and headed out
through one of the doors in the war room.  "Thanks, I'll meet you at the stables in
ten minutes, I have a couple things to do, then I'll be right there."
     Soultaker grumbled something and headed off in the other direction.  Three miles
later the grumbling hadn't subsided any when they finally got to the market.  The two
managers went in together and Death Stud went about collecting the things they needed
while trying not to be obvious about putting a little distance between him and his
round, grumpy friend.  Soultaker had been especially grumpy recently--even more
grumpy than his normally grumpily grumpy self--ever since getting himself involved
with the mess over at S&M Club.  Sandman had been none too happy that Soultaker had
helped Rascally try to take over the club.  To get back at him, Sandman had paid for
Soultaker to be temporarily afflicted with the same curse that turned Samwise the
Bald into the huge, hideous creature he was.  He was horribly uncomfortable under the
new girth he was lugging around.  Combined with the heat and mugginess recently, that
made for a cranky (crankier) Soultaker.  As Death Stud shopped, Soultaker snapped
irritably at him incessantly about what the heck was Death Stud buying, why the heck
did you put that back, are you about done yet, etc.
     Death Stud bit his tongue the first couple of times, but finally had enough.
"Would you quit your gritching?  Jeez, I can't take you anywhere."
     "Well, I wouldn't have to if you would quit wandering around like a damn woman,
fondling all the cucurbit vegetables."
     Death Stud took a deep breath and gritted his teeth in a losing effort to
control his temper.  "Look, you cantankerous old goat.  I am going to get the things
we need and you are going to shut up and TRY not to be your whiny self for FIVE
minutes."  Adding under his breath, "Sheesh, and I thought that Nerissa was bad...."
     That was all Soultaker could take.  He threw the keys to the scrod wagon to
Death Stud, "Drive your own darn self home."  He stormed out of the market, making it
a large production.  "Ha, that'll show him.  He hates to drive," Soultaker thought to
himself as he stalked away.  But, as soon as Soultaker got outside, he realized that
he had made a mistake.  Instead of going to the small corner store near the
guildhouse, they had driven to the large bazaar across town and he would have to walk
back three miles in the blazing heat.  Either that, or he would have swallow his
pride and go back in.  I'll give you one guess on whether logic and reasonability or
stubbornness and pride won out in that decision.
     Soultaker was bent over grimacing, hands on knees, wheezing and puffing and
wondering if he was going to die.  It felt like he had been walking for hours, yet
the guildhouse was nowhere to be seen.  Sweat was streaming down his face, raining
from his chins and puddling on the ground below him.  His breath was ragged and
painful, blisters were beginning to form on his pudgy feet already, and passerbys
held their noses as they crossed the street to avoid the funk emanating from him.
Between gasps, he wondered to himself if he had gotten lost and walked all the way
past the Team 3 stable, out of the city, across the sea and ended up in Kati-Tei.  It
sure felt like it.  Painfully, he straightened up and looked around only to find that
market was no more than three hundred yards behind him.
     He knew that he had to prove his manhood and press on, so he mustered his
strength and headed down the street again, determined to will himself home.  He
powered on, flip-flops slapping, continuously wiping the stream of sweat from his
forehead, and cursing Death Stud's name with every step.  He ignored all the catcalls
and wolf whistles from the construction crews and bemoaned the fateful decision to
storm away without thinking about the results of his rash action.  Huge sweat stains
surrounded his pits, down his back, and all the way down the front, between and under
his manboobs.  Curse Sandman for setting this affliction upon him!  And curse Death
Stud, too!  Especially Death Stud.  He had walked so far now (at least to the end of
the block) that the sweat was saturated all the way down to the tighty-whitey Fruit
of the Loom layer and some serious chafing was underway in Soultaker's erogenous
zone.  And when I say chafing, I mean searing hot, burning, tears-in-the-eyes, skin-
tearing chafing.  Shorts riding up in the crotch in that fat-man kind of way, atomic
wedgy in place, Soultaker waddled his way into the first shop he could find to deal
with The Chafing of Doom (TM).  The clerk asked what he needed and Soultaker fought
for the breath to respond.  Gasping and pointing to the area where his nut sack was
hung, Soultaker managed to wheeze out a strangled "talcum."  When the man returned
with the talcum powder, Soultaker was so relieved that he immediately dropped trow
and began his powdering, filling the small shop in a billowing talcum cloud.
Temporarily relieved of the Chafing of Doom (TM), he left the shop and tried to
continue the endless walk of pain.
     Soultaker's mighty pride odyssey eventually required the assistance of the Aradi
fire brigade and marine mammal rescue crew to bring him the rest of the way back to
the guildhouse.  When they arrived and carried in the huffing, whimpering, massively
sunburned manager, Death Stud snickered to himself while ushering in his utterly
exhausted friend, feigning concern.  After thanking the rescue team, Death Stud
settled Soultaker down in the kitchen with a huge pitcher of ice water and a cold,
wet towel to help cool him off.  Trying not to gape at Soultaker's painfully burnt
noggin, Death Stud waiting for his friend to cool off in more ways than one.  Once
Soultaker had finally recovered enough to talk, he reluctantly admitted that he had
been a bit of a hot-head and shouldn't have stormed off and tried to walk home.
     "Oh, it's OK, Soullie.  I've known you long enough that I hardly even notice a
little tantrum or three anymore."
     Soultaker grinned appreciatively.  It was nice to have such good friends.
     Death Stud stood up and pushed in his chair.  "But, there is one thing...."  He
started walking slowly towards the back door.  "Do you think you could hitch up the
cart again, because I forgot the salsa--"  Before he could finish his sentence, Death
Stud was off and running with Soultaker lumbering in close pursuit.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     No time to report much this turn, folks.  I finally fell off my torrid pace and
both Soultaker and I managed bad turns at the same time (big TOGS no-no).  Samwise
and Mannequin had another good turn (yawn, oh really?) and have now opened up a
sizeable lead.  The ranking are interesting in that after Teams 2 and 3, there are
two closely ranked groups.  The teams in places 3-5 are separated by only three
points and the next cluster in places 6-10 are separated by about twenty-five points
     Good luck to Team 1, Teams 3-5, and Teams 7-14!
-- Death Stud

T394 TOGS totals
                             TOTAL     Turn 7 Turn 7 Turn 7 Turn 7 Turn 7
TEAM                         POINTS    Fights  Spots   Ads  Avoids   DM
------- ------------------- ------- -- ------ ------ ------ ------ ------
TEAM 2                        442        48      5
TEAM 3                        391        14     10
TEAM 9                        341        17     10            -5
TEAM 7                        338        24      5                   10
TEAM 11                       338        54     10
TEAM 6                        299        42     10
TEAM 4                        292        25     10
TEAM 12                       284        24     10
TEAM 13                       276        27      5
TEAM 8                        273        38      5     -5
TEAM 1                        251        21     10
TEAM 5                        189         0      5     -5
TEAM 10                       184        18      0     -10
TEAM 14                        24         0      0     -10



WARRIOR:                                      WARRIOR:            WINNER: PNTS:
B.C. GOLD           was subdued by            STARLING            TEAM 1   7
BIN LADEN           was savagely defeated by  THALIA              TEAM 1   7
HOFFA                   overcame              BIG DEAL            TEAM 1      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  21

SPAM SANDWICH           won victory over      COBRA XXI           TEAM 2   10
SUGAR BOTTOMS           savagely defeated     JACK THE RIPPER     TEAM 2   10
STONE COLD NUTS     was savagely defeated by  SQUIGGNERD          TEAM 2   7
THE AVENGING SCROD  was beaten by             SPINACH             TEAM 2      7
MISER KRABS             bested                HAWAIIAN KONA       TEAM 2      7
THE RIDDLER         was overpowered by        PEARLY WHITES       TEAM 2      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  48

SMALL INTESTINE         subdued               MANDA               TEAM 3   10
HURRICANE XXXVII        devastated            NOBLE ASSASSIN      TEAM 3      4
                                                                  -TOTAL:  14

LOOSE DENTURES          savagely defeated     VAS DEFERENS        TEAM 4   10
PRIVATE PARTS       was vanquished by         CIALIS              TEAM 4      7
CONDI                   beat                  HOWLER              TEAM 4      4
ENTMIL              was unbelievably bested byAFTERNOON NAP       TEAM 4      4
                                                                  -TOTAL:  25

TYVEK               was viciously subdued by  STORM FIRE          TEAM 6   7
ZEROSE                  overpowered           RACOON HAMMER       TEAM 6   7
SMIRLIN             was narrowly defeated by  TINY TIM            TEAM 6      7
SUNSHINE                defeated              VIPER LXXI          TEAM 6      7
WHITE WITCH             luckily beat          TIGER TY            TEAM 6      7
GENOH                   outlasted             MONKEY PAW          TEAM 6      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  42

PANTHER                 viciously subdued     ONE-TIMER           TEAM 7   10
AQUA NETTA              viciously subdued     ANALISE             TEAM 7      7
PIZNAUL JIZNOKE         defeated              SIGMOID COLON       TEAM 7      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  24

PINTO BEANS         was savagely defeated by  SONETT              TEAM 8   7
RUKGAZ                  overpowered           LIMA BEANS          TEAM 8   10
MOUSE               was unbelievably bested byWARAGEN             TEAM 8   7
DAYNE               was outlasted by          NINE HUNDRED        TEAM 8   7
WALMART GREETER     was demolished by         VENREK              TEAM 8      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  38

RESPECT THE PACKAGE     vanquished            YELLOW JACKET       TEAM 9   10
DERALD                  devastated            MALT-O-MEAL         TEAM 9      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  17

TAY STARLE          was defeated by           HOLLY SKULL         TEAM 10  7
DR. FEELGOOD        was outwaited by          BUTTERFLY           TEAM 10  7
KRAKEN              was overpowered by        FUN IN THE BARN     TEAM 10     4
                                                                  -TOTAL:  18

JAMIS                   overpowered           SYDA HAMMIE         TEAM 11  10
DERRIN                  demolished            HOLSTIEN HEAVEN     TEAM 11  10
KARMA CHAMELEON         overpowered           SNOW WHITE          TEAM 11  10
ONE HOT BABE            savagely defeated     WHISTLE PIG         TEAM 11  10
BOSTON TERRIER          overpowered           COYOTE              TEAM 11     7
NATALIA             was beaten by             FLAMENCO A GO-GO    TEAM 11     7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  54

ZIG-ZAG MAN             devastated            CHIM RICHALDS       TEAM 12  10
F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE  was viciously subdued by  CEPL                TEAM 12  7
HOSCHA                  overcame              MACS                TEAM 12     7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  24

JAVA                    viciously subdued     LEG WARMER LUST     TEAM 13  10
THE LBA                 outwaited             3D'S NOT L33T       TEAM 13  10
MADONNA                 savagely defeated     9000                TEAM 13     7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  27

         + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ To Kill a Rules Lawyer ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "TUM, why the heck do we have to keep writing these stories?"
     "I don't know...I keep asking myself the same question.  Does it really
accomplish anything for us?  I mean it's not like we aren't getting TCs.  Is this
supposed to be fun?"
     "Fun?  Ha!  This is more like flogging yourself with a cat-o-nine-tails every
two weeks.  It really hurts when you are doing it and you dread the next time its
going to happen."
     "Yeah, my brain shrivels up every time I think about writing a story."
     "And more than that even when you do put in time to write a masterpiece of prose
there are managers out there just waiting to tear you down.  You know the people I'm
talking about."
     "No...you can't mean it...."
     "Yes, those people that pour of the minutia of the rules and look for the
smallest of things to try to tear down their companions in arms.  You know who I am
talking about."
     "Oh gods no...we have a rules lawyer in our midst."
     That's how it started.  We were innocently going about our business trying our
best to compete in TOGS and keep our noses clean when "it" reared its ugly head.
Yes, the rules lawyer.  They are the bane of every fun competition and its seems that
TOGS has been infiltrated.  And as we all know...no one likes a rules lawyer,
especially when our butts keep getting thrashed every two weeks.
     "You know TUM, there is only one way to handle a rules lawyer."
     "What's that LHI?"
     "We have to contact the Extravagant League of Rather Fancy Elderly Assassins.
They HATE rules lawyers and collect their nut sacks."
     "Oh yeah.  These guys are brutal.  They rip things out by the roots.  I have
heard the stories.  I know this one guy that was thinking about being a rules lawyer
and they ripped off half as much as they normally would as a precautionary measure.
See, they believe that their treatment is the quickest way to kill off rules lawyers.
And it stops procreation for those who somehow survive the punishment."
     "Oh my gods that's brutal.  Is that really necessary?"
     "Oh yeah.  A slow painful death is the best way to deal with the antithesis of
life as we know it."
     So we set off.  It was no easy feat to find the ELORFEA.  Even thought they are
quite fancy they do lead a discreet lifestyle.  But their one failing is their nut
fed livestock.  If you can find a herd of some animals with extraordinary
development, then you know you are in the right place.  And that's what we found.
     "Sweet Ahringol!  Look at that rabbit!  Its feet don't even touch the ground."
     LHI stepped forward and took a closer look.  "Yes TUM.  This is the spot!  We
are close!"
     The duo walked up to the door of the pink and blue pastel painted structure and
knocked with the large and oddly shaped door knocker.
     "That's a really realistic...um, unit."
     "Yes," said LHI.  "Be careful...these knockers are not the kind we are
accustomed too.  I love a good set of knockers but this knocker can contain a hidden
surprise if you knock too much."
     "Seriously?  What's that?"
     "Well, these are walnut powered knockers."

To be continued...LHI

             + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Silent Warriors ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                  CONSPIRACY THEORY

     It was pre-TOGS V and history was in the making.  TOGS teams and partners had
not yet completely been decided upon, rules and details were still being debated
over, nobody even knew the actual start date or length of the upcoming TOGS, but none
of that mattered.  A secret meeting was about to take place.  A gathering of some of
the most brilliant managers had been arranged, the likes of which all of Alastari had
never seen.  The table had been set and the world would never be the same.
     Death Stud cleared his throat to get everyone's attention as he began the
meeting.  It was a dark and cloudy night in Aradi and he wanted to get this business
over with before the storm hit.  Death Stud was pacing back and forth as he looked
out and up at the gathering of managers seated in front of him.  He began to speak.
"The first meeting of the FONZ alliance will now come to order.  Thank you all for
coming.  Let me start by saying that this meeting and any future meetings of the FONZ
must forever remain in complete secrecy.  We have worked too hard to build our
reputation as a non-alliance to lose the element of surprise now.  Nobody will ever
know how truly organized and diabolical we are.  Is this agreed?"
     The FONZ reaction to this wasn't quite what the little Stud had expected.  The
room literally burst into laughter.
     "Thateth iseth stupideth!" Nuln roared.
     Hombre fell to the floor laughing.
     Inferno slapped Snotman on the back.  "Did you hear that?"  Snot flew from the
surprised Snotman's face onto the table and turned into four Snotlings.  The
Snotlings began laughing with everyone else in the room.
     Ganolus had been taking a drink from his beer when Death Stud had asked this
question.  Beer sprayed everywhere, all over the remaining laughing FONZ managers.
     Barnabas wiped the beer spittle from his eye patch and simply stated, "Ghar!"
     Death Stud waved his stubby hands in the air.  "I'm serious, guys!"  He pulled
out his Short Sword of Death and the room fell silent.  "Now shut up and listen!
TOGS is my baby so we start our domination there.  First off, there will be no inter-
FONZ challenges."
     There were a few giggles throughout the room.
     "Unless, of course, you guys really want to challenge each other.  Then in that
case, I guess it's ok."  Death Stud must have realized that this really didn't make
any sense as he quickly moved on to his next point.  "The next order of business is
Rillion.  He's come too close to winning TOGS in the past to ignore th--"
     Snotman interrupted.  "Doesn't Rillion usually self-destruct towards the end of
these things?"
     Death Stud silenced Snotto with a wave of his short sword.  "As I was saying, I
want all possible challenges going out to Demons Of Darkness when this thing starts.
On top of that, Manager owes me a favor.  At some point during this TOGS, Manager
will sacrifice one of his warriors to Rillion and then when Manager goes to
Bloodfeud, he'll kill Rillion's warrior.  It's brilliant!  Rillion will never know
what hit him!"  The evil grin slowly began to fade from Death Stud's face as he
realized maybe it wasn't so brilliant, maybe it didn't make any sense at all.  Stud
also realized that he had lost his captive audience.  "Well?"
     The other FONZ managers had already lost interest in Death Stud's confusing
plot.  They had begun plotting amongst themselves how to best get past the censors.
     The Studly One was very disappointed.  He sheathed the Short Sword of Death and
slowly shook his head.  "Meeting adjourned."
     As Death Stud left the meeting to begin his trek home, rain drops began to drop
on his little head.  And the Rillion Conspiracy was born.

-- Ganolus Oakleaf, Silent Warriors

          + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Rambling diatribe... ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Why oh why?  Yes, Lady E was and is a good friend, but 'NO!' was a perfectly
acceptable answer!  It's that darn over-developed sense of responsibility!  Once I
said "Yes, it sounds like it could be fun," I was stuck.  The fact that I don't have
time for it, is totally beside the point!
     Hoffa is going to pay for this!  If he hadn't wanted those cookies so badly, and
hadn't let those people in!  I'd have had those four hours last night to get caught
up.  Now, here I sit way too early in the morning to be trying to do this.
     Yes, I function at this hour of the morning, but that doesn't mean I want to!
     I hate when people try to pawn things off on some poor sucker who doesn't have a
clue what they're getting into.  It's particularly bad when the person doing it knows
exactly what they're trying to pawn off!  Some poor newbie asks an innocent question
and there they are, stuck for the rest of eternity with their soul tied up in knots!
Ahringol take all those pushy people--regardless of what they're selling...cookies,
camping, skating, bowling, everything just leads to more paperwork!  I hate
     As if that's not bad enough, then all that paperwork leads to more meetings!
Doesn't anyone else have too much to do?  I swear someone is going to get hurt.
     Even with volunteers to 'help' there's still too much to do!  And the time
constraints!  Those who volunteer to help then back out, torture is too good for
them!  I wouldn't care so much if they then didn't try to run things from the
sidelines!  "No, I can't do that, I'm too busy, but you need to do this, then this,
then this....  No, you can't change that, I already told X we were going to do it
this way!"  To Ahringol with them all!  If they aren't ready on their own, maybe I
can help them there.  That's one way to deal with them.
     What's a calendar and why do I have to care about 'calendaring?'  It's those old
jokes--"This morning I had one nerve left and your getting on it!  If it weren't for
bad luck I'd have no luck at all!"
     Random joke -- "What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet?"  Answer, "Last
year's Hide-N-Go-Seek Champion!"
     Okay, I better get some sleep; today is another day, it's already here and I'm
not ready for it!

                                 DUELMASTER'S COLUMN
                             Notes from the arena champ.

     I wish I had some great words of wisdom to tell you all in this long awaited
column, but to be perfectly honest, I'm just happy to be here.  My challenge this
turn goes out to Derald.  It might not be the best challenge, but I've beaten him
before and it's the only upchallenge available to me.  Sorry fellow FONZ
conspirators.  My avoids go to Death Studs and Crazy Creeps because I'd like to keep
the throne if possible.  Stay tuned to see how it all works out for me....

-- Panther, Silent Warriors

                                      SPY REPORT

     Ready for some action-packed adventure, some thrills, chills and spills?  Well 
fergit it, cause this is the Spyreport for ARADI.  Like, CHILDHOOD TRAUMA had to be 
so embarrassed when they got kicked off #1 spot by DEATH STUDS VII!  Way to go DEATH 
STUDS VII!  ATLAS PARK had like a really albendranius week!  Those hunks got a 4-1-0 
and wound up as 6th team!  Really, just how far can one team drop in one round?  
CHILDHOOD TRAUMA dropped 14, which I think's more than all the other teams combined!  
What was the name of that team who got 4-1-0 this turn for a total 752-674-31 you 
ask?  (Sure)  WILD CARDS' their name, and fighting's their game!  MVP award for BIG 
DEAL?  OGRES ARE US' proud of him after beating HAMBURGER HELPER and getting 23 
points.  Talk about yer major upsets!  HAMBURGER HELPER's match with BIG DEAL cost 
her a loss of 22 points!  Oh, wow, like the Duelmaster must be the most popular guy 
in all ARADI.  He got the most challenges.  (But what about proposals?) Like 4000 
BLOWS' DERALD is sweating since he got TV challenged by Duelmaster PANTHER!  And I 
was just getting used to the ex-Duelmaster's habit of...(!)  Oh well, welcome DERALD. 
Aren't 4000 BLOWS proud.  (Oh, my.) Who was the wiseguy that said ARADI's Duelmaster 
was paying for drinks at The Victory Tavern?  Don't look at me!   
     Look, you guys stick to fighting, all right?  CRAZY CREEPS was ARADI's most 
avoided team.  Is there some award for that?  Is there some deep dark secret why 
CHEER-O-KEE'S' been avoiding CRAZY CREEPS so much?  Or is it just that they're too 
scared?  Speaking of challenging 30 points above did you hear about SUNSHINE of 
intro!) What did SUNSHINE expect, anyway!  Of course HURRICANE XXXVII won.  Next time 
stick to people you have a chance against, dummy!  I'm not so sure BLOODLUST MUTE 
knew all the facts when he challenged ONE-TIMER of DEATH STUDS VII.  I saw BLOODLUST 
MUTE stumbling and dribbling at The Victory Tavern last week...  BLOODLUST MUTE lost 
to ONE-TIMER, but he got 5 points.  ONE-TIMER won, and got 3 points.  I don't get it. 
Some fights are really unfair.  How do you think OSO feels about being challenged by 
NIGHT HAG, 24 points above him?  Is this how DILEN'S HORDE advances, by having their 
members (NIGHT HAG) fight people that are really below them (OSO)?   
     Challenges, revenges, Bloodfeuds.  All ARADI ever talks about is fighting!  Me, 
I'm more laid back.  Pinch me, I must be dreaming!!!  ANTHRAX returns from the Dark 
Arena, maybe a "little upset" at his MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 teammates...  What a bunch 
of heartless!  I couldn't believe how many people were snickering when LEG WARMER 
LUST killed DR. FEELGOOD.  So he had a 7-10-0, that's no excuse!  D'ya think HYDRO ON 
THE D-LO is feeling guilty for killing SUPERIOR FORCES 1601's STORM FIRE, a mere boy? 
Naah, I doubt it.  ZIG-ZAG MAN bloodfeuded (is that a word?) STARLING for revenge 
over some guy's bad fortune.  Was it really worth it?  MANDA really fought hard 
against AQUA NETTA.  That'll teach THE BIZZLE not to go and kill any of ARADI RESORT 
& SPA's guys again, huh!  So AARP has one more turn to Bloodfeud DEATH STUDS VII's 
HURRICANE XXXVII.  Big deal.  OXYGEN TANK's dead.  What's the point?  Ya just gotta 
go on.  Don't look back...  Hey you guys, don't you think your families would like to 
hear from you?  Write!  (Or have someone write for you.)  
     Remember, blood on a purple robe may stain.  Soak it in cold water, and hand 
wash.  I gotta leave.  ARADI is like such a dump, and you guys smell too much!  
Remember you guys, ease up sometimes!  Chill out!  Later, Debby Tonte  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 NAPPY DUGOUT 6080            26  27  1   124       WILD CARDS (148)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 ONE-TIMER 7169               32   7  0   115       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 HOLLY SKULL 7276             20  15  0   109       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
 TINY TIM 6042                14   4  0   105       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 HURRICANE XXXVII 7379        13   9  2   104       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 WARAGEN 5573                 19   7  0   102       SAAB STORY (389)
 MOUSE 7318                    9  14  0    96       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 SMIRLIN 6568                 18  17  0    95       OGRES ARE US (270)
 PANTHER 7320                 12  10  1    92       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 SONETT 7088                  11   2  2    92       SAAB STORY (389)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 TAY STARLE 6808              12  13  2    89       WING HOVE (529)
 JAMIS 6735                   12  14  1    88       WING HOVE (529)
 VOLMAX 7592                   5   4  0    87       MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
 SEHENSTES 7339               16  12  2    86       VOUGEOOT (464)
 JIM PANZI 7382                9   8  0    83       FUNKY FOLK (565)
-IN PARI DELICTO 7283         19  23  1    81       LEGALESE (449)
 SHMAMY CROCKETT 7216         13   9  0    79       4000 BLOWS (107)
 BLOODLUST MUTE 7701           5   5  0    77       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 DERRIN 6952                  11  12  0    75       WING HOVE (529)
-STORM 4741                   12   8  0    74       ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
 KARMA CHAMELEON 7636          9   3  1    74       ATLAS PARK (592)
 HYQ 7388                     13  10  2    72       VOUGEOOT (464)
 G DUBYAH 7611                 5   5  1    71       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
 SYDA HAMMIE 6667             16  12  0    70       OGRES ARE US (270)
-MALT-O-MEAL 7527              9   2  1    70       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 VIPER LXXI 7566               8   5  0    69       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 SNOW WHITE 7486               8   9  0    69       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 SUNSHINE 7593                 7   4  0    68       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 BUTTERFLY 7338               16   6  0    66       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
 HYDRO ON THE D-LO 7642        8   4  2    66       THE BIZZLE (593)
 LEG WARMER LUST 7717          6   3  1    66       4000 BLOWS (107)
 RUKGAZ 7564                   6   2  0    66       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083              8   5  0    65       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 NIGHT HAG 7598                9   3  0    64       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
 CIALIS 7659                   7   3  1    64       AARP (583)
 JAVA 7779                     6   2  0    62       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
 HOSCHA 6835                  11  11  0    61       OGRES ARE US (270)
 MANDA 7546                    9   7  1    60       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 VENREK 7477                   9   5  0    60       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 SILENT SPOCKER 7700           8   2  0    60       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 SPAM SANDWICH 7524            7   5  0    60       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 COBRA XXI 7725                6   2  0    58       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 ETTIN 7600                    8   4  1    57       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
-HURTICANE 4740                8   5  0    57       ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 PIZNAUL JIZNOKE 7641          8   4  1    56       THE BIZZLE (593)
 ANTHRAX 7669                  4   3  1    56       MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
-PHREAK 7327                  12  18  0    54       THE MISGUIDED (559)
 CEPL 6666                     7   5  0    53       OGRES ARE US (270)
 TYVEK 7478                    5   5  0    53       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 VAS DEFERENS 7534             9   5  0    52       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
-MYSTERY 7354                 12  15  0    51       THE MISGUIDED (559)
 PINTO BEANS 7531              7   8  0    51       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 LIMA BEANS 7530               9   5  0    50       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE 7639       6   6  0    48       THE BIZZLE (593)
 JACK THE RIPPER 7487          8   7  0    47       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 THE AVENGING SCROD 7649       7   2  1    47       4000 BLOWS (107)
 LOOSE DENTURES 7573           5   7  0    47       AARP (583)
 NINJA 7357                    7   9  0    45       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 ANALISE 7544                  9   7  0    44       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 OSO 7682                      5   5  0    44       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 DEATH SPONGE 7692             5   2  0    44       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 SMALL INTESTINE 7535          6  10  1    43       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 ASGARD 6892                   3   3  0    43       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
 SUGAR BOTTOMS 7690            6   2  1    42       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 BOSTON TERRIER 7638           6   6  0    42       ATLAS PARK (592)
 SUTTY 7685                    5   5  0    42       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 FUN IN THE BARN 7673          7   4  0    40       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
 DERS 7683                     6   4  0    40       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 MEALS ON WHEELS 7575          5   6  1    39       AARP (583)
 WHITE WITCH 7542              8   4  0    38       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 THALIA 7547                   6  10  0    38       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 AQUA NETTA 7775               5   3  1    38       THE BIZZLE (593)
 HARSIESUS 6871                5   4  1    38       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
 COYOTE 7626                   7   6  1    37       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
 SPINACH 7789                  5   2  0    37       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 B.C. GOLD 7787                3   4  0    36       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 BIN LADEN 7646                7   5  0    35       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
 CHIM RICHALDS 7491            4  12  1    35       4000 BLOWS (107)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 HOLSTIEN HEAVEN 7674          7   4  0    33       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
 ZEROSE 7741                   5   3  0    33       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 STARLING 7630                 9   4  1    32       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
 BIG DEAL 7811                 2   4  0    32       OGRES ARE US (270)
 FLAMENCO A GO-GO 7662         6   5  0    31       ATLAS PARK (592)
 KRAKEN 7679                   4   7  1    31       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
-FRANK 7484                    7   9  0    30       THE MISGUIDED (559)
-DE NOVO 7567                  5   7  1    30       LEGALESE (449)
 ERRA EVAD 7652                4   5  0    29       VOUGEOOT (464)
 CONDI 7613                    4   4  0    28       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
 SIGMOID COLON 7533            3   7  0    28       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 SQUIGGNERD 7694               5   3  1    27       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 WALMART GREETER 7576          5   7  0    26       AARP (583)
 THE LBA 7810                  5   1  0    26       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
 RACOON HAMMER 7709            6   3  0    25       WILD CARDS (148)
 PRIVATE PARTS 7798            5   2  0    25       ATLAS PARK (592)
 3D'S NOT L33T 7833            3   1  1    25       WILD CARDS (148)
 DOLP 7838                     3   0  1    25       VOUGEOOT (464)
 MACS 7797                     3   4  0    25       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 GREEN DISEASE 7718            2   5  1    24       MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 MADONNA 7780                  4   4  0    22       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
 BRAE'TAC 6895                 4   2  0    22       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
 ONE HOT BABE 7816             3   3  0    22       ATLAS PARK (592)
 RESPECT THE PACKAGE 7832      3   1  0    21       WILD CARDS (148)
 TIGER TY 7665                 5   5  0    20       WING HOVE (529)
 YELLOW JACKET 7627            3  10  1    20       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
 HOWLER 7602                   2  10  0    20       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
 MONKEY PAW 7854               1   1  0    20       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 PESMERGA 7813                 2   4  0    18       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 HOFFA 7713                    5   2  0    17       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
 HAWAIIAN KONA 7853            1   1  0    17       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 RIP TORN 7850                 1   0  0    17       FUNKY FOLK (565)
 KREE 6870                     3   3  0    16       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
 THE RIDDLER 7852              1   1  0    16       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 NINE HUNDRED 7681             4   3  0    15       SAAB STORY (389)
 PINK 7809                     3   1  0    15       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
-ANNIE MULL 7793               2   1  0    15       FUNKY FOLK (565)
 RICKON 7830                   1   3  0    15       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
 FOSKIE 7837                   1   2  0    15       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 GENOH 7847                    3   0  0    14       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 STONE COLD NUTS 7848          2   1  0    14       WILD CARDS (148)
 DOA 7773                      3   4  0    13       SAAB STORY (389)
 NATALIA 7790                  2   5  0    12       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 BLONDIE 7863                  1   0  1    12       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
 HAMBURGER HELPER 7821         2   3  1    11       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
 LOKI IX 7860                  1   0  0    11       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 DAYNE 7826                    2   3  0     9       WING HOVE (529)
 WHISTLE PIG 7806              1   6  0     9       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
-ROLEX 6375                    1   0  0     9       WORDS THAT ENDIN X (507)
 URETHRA 7851                  0   1  0     9       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
-ASHI 7802                     1   4  0     7       THE MISGUIDED (559)
 9000 7772                     0   7  0     7       SAAB STORY (389)
-BOTOX 6376                    0   1  0     7       WORDS THAT ENDIN X (507)
 THANKS MANAGER 7864           1   0  0     6       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
-NUTCRACKER 7824               1   2  0     5       ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
-ROXX 7825                     1   2  0     5       THE MISGUIDED (559)
 PEARLY WHITES 7855            1   1  0     5       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 GAZREK 7858                   0   1  0     5       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 AFTERNOON NAP 7861            1   1  0     4       AARP (583)
 ENTMIL 7856                   0   2  0     2       VOUGEOOT (464)
-MAGMA 7835                    0   2  0     2       ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)
 INIYO 7865                    0   1  0     1       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
-COWBOY 7843                   0   1  0     1       ELEMENTS OF POWER (390)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD               W  L K TEAM NAME             SLAIN BY             TURN Revenge?
OXYGEN TANK 7574       7  2 0 AARP 583              HURRICANE XXXVII 7379 392         
INIGO 7545             6  8 0 ARADI RESORT & SP 580 AQUA NETTA 7775       393 JUST REV
MISER KRABS 7839       1  2 0 BIKINI BOTTOM 596     KRAKEN 7679           395         
CLAPTON 7691           5  1 1 BIKINI BOTTOM 596     G DUBYAH 7611         393         
PORN STARR 7693        3  2 1 BIKINI BOTTOM 596     CIALIS 7659           392         
THIS IS LAME 7874      0  1 0 THE BIZZLE 593        SEA MONSTER 27        395 NONE    
LOSER 7875             0  1 0 THE BUNKHOUSE 595     MARINE TROLL 18       395 NONE    
WILSON FERGUSON 7686   3  4 0 THE BUNKHOUSE 595     ETTIN 7600            391 NOT REVE
JORGE BLACK ORC 20     0  1 0 DARK ARENA 0          ANTHRAX 7669          395 NONE    
TYVIN LXIX 7648        3  3 1 DEMONS OF DARKNES 430 STORM FIRE 7597       393         
SAUSAGE BOWL 7794      2  1 1 DILEN'S HORDE 587     SQUIGGNERD 7694       391 REVENGED
BRUNETTE 7862          0  1 0 DILLIGAF LEGION 589   DOLP 7838             395         
JUMBO LITTLE 7840      0  1 0 FUNKY FOLK 565        SEA MONSTER 27        395 NONE    

THE DEAD               W  L K TEAM NAME             SLAIN BY             TURN Revenge?
INFERIOR VENA CA 7872  0  1 0 GOIN' TUBIN' 577      BLONDIE 7863          395         
EUSTACHIAN 7499        4  5 0 GOIN' TUBIN' 577      GRAFFIX 6909          391 REVENGED
URETHRA 7834           1  1 0 GOIN' TUBIN' 577      MEALS ON WHEELS 7575  393         
RITALIN 7846           1  1 0 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 585 BORED ELF 19          395 NONE    
MORPHINE 7831          0  3 0 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 585 ARNIE SHEW 21         395 NONE    
DR. FEELGOOD 7130      7 10 0 MY BEST BUDS 2 542    LEG WARMER LUST 7717  395         
MARY JANE 7173         3  4 0 MY BEST BUDS 2 542    STARLING 7630         393 JUST REV
STORM FIRE 7597        5  3 1 SUPERIOR FORCES 1 586 HYDRO ON THE D-L 7642 395         
YUBER 7812             1  2 0 SUPERIOR FORCES 1 586 TYVIN LXIX 7648       392 REVENGED
LOS ABE'S 7828         0  1 0 VOUGEOOT 464          3D'S NOT L33T 7833    392         
TECHNISQUID 7708       2  3 0 WILD CARDS 148        GREEN DISEASE 7718    391 JUST REV
NULN'S NUTSACK 7782    3  2 0 WILD CARDS 148        SONETT 7088           392         

                                     PERSONAL ADS

Storm Fire -- Apologizing to a dead warrior would not do any good anyway, he can't
hear/see it, HE IS DEAD!  Buy a clue.  Next time you want to explain why you are not
apologizing address it to someone still alive. -- Rillion

Rillion -- Assuming I don't get any hate mail between now and when the newsletter
comes out:  Sorry for accidentally killing the replacement to the warrior I
accidentally killed in the arena a couple of turns ago. -- Manager

Obligatory personal ad. -- Ghoti

Here is another one. -- Ghoti

OK, with that said here are my replies in no particular order -- Yes.  Thanks.  I
will try to write longer ones, there just seems to be a writer's block lately.  My
writing something amusing is totally by accident but I try.  Crapcicles are more than
just a bedtime snack. -- Ghoti (for now)

Seraphim -- True, but you forgot to mention we pulled out of our dive because Manager
failed to send in the next installment of his "I'm going to win this TOGS at any
cost!" bribe. *grin* -- Lord Xiang

Ed. -- Talkin' 'bout bein' stylish, I now have me a Red Bandana to tie around my
neck!  While, of course, wearing Pink Pantaloons and a White Headband. *chuckle* --
Lord Xiang
P.S.  Just needing that Blue Bonnet to complete the ensemble.

     The mind reels. -- Ed.

Death Stud -- Well, I wouldn't worry about that now, as it seems that you've been
removed from that position.  Hopefully, no more Duelmasters for you to ignore the
column.  *grin*  Or get those points.  *wink* -- Lord Xiang

Panther -- Congratulations on attaining the Throne!  I look forward to reading YOUR
DM column. -- Lord Xiang

Death Stud -- Falcon's replacement will also be easier to kill! -- Lord Xiang
P.S.  Um, oops, did I say that aloud?  *evil chuckle*

Lady A -- Sounds like you are going to sign up for the next TOGS as well? -- Lord

     I'd start the hysterical laughter now, but I think she'll be able to handle that
     plenty well on her own. -- Ed.

Soultaker -- Ah, yes, a life of poverty as a child.  I heard (from Manager) you grew
up on a sheep farm, and when your foster parents sold it, you nearly cried yourself
to Death (Stud) because your prom date was now unavailable.  If you are interested in
returning to the dating scene, I have it on Chaotic (tm) authority (I am NOT grateful
for that image you gave me, Nuln!!) that Farmer boB has alpacas on his farm. -- Lord
P.S.  We are pleased with at least THIS team of Delarquans!
P.P.S.  Hmmm, I might just have the basis for a spot here!!  *muahahahahaha!!!*

Squiggnerd -- It's ALWAYS time for a bathroom break! -- Walmart Greeter

Ed. -- Ha ha! -- a certain man(uln)ager who shall remain unnamed but was very
punctual this turn, at least with his personals
P.S. "Old Muley?"  Heh, that is a good one!

     You should prepare me for these shocks! -- Ed.

TOGS Commish -- Damn, dude, quit bustin' my hump about my spotlight length, you
Length Nazi!  Just for that I might make my next one only three columns instead of
four! -- Nuln

Lady E -- Hang in there, m'lady.  After this turn is complete there will still be
over 1/3 of TOGS left (that's over 2 MONTHS, Lady A!), so hang on for the bumpy
landing! -- Nuln

     Waugh!  *sob* -- Ed.

Creepster Scribe -- The Creepster's on my payroll?  <checking payroll...>  Why so he
is, underneath "bumbling nitwit", and I apparently pay him only three wooden nickels
on every seventeenth Saturday.  Well, tell him I flatly do not accept his
resignation, and he can begin working again immediately! -- Nuln

Nappy D -- Don't talk to me, don't talk to my hand, just don't talk. -- Shmamy

Snotman -- Ouch.  We are getting some seriously consistent inconsistency.  The stress
is almost causing a goat head to sprout on my shoulder.  Time to get back to brass
tacks. -- Nuln

Snotman -- I've never read any Charles Dickens, though I have read the works of the
famed Welsh author, Charles Dikkens.  I think there might have been a Skrooge
character in one of them, not really sure, but I do remember one novel of his, a Tale
of Two...bosomy things.  Great literature. -- Nuln

A.F.P Editor -- Dear Editor, I was very disappointed to hear you were thinking of
canceling your "FONZ=..." segment each week in the AFP.  I just wanted to say it's my
favorite part of the paper to read (partly because I don't like to read and it's
short), and the first thing I read in the morning with my java.

Java -- I'm not sure why TUM thinks he can't have you.  Is he allergic to grounds 'r
sumthing?  Uh, way to punk me and teach me no skills.  You're cold. -- L.W.L.

Malt-O-Meal -- I feel fortunate & honored to have fought and beaten such a heralded
opponent as yourself, sir.  Perhaps we'll meet again on the isle. -- Derald

All -- It is with much regret that I say goodbye to Aradi, as I really wanted a
chance at One-Timer during TOGS; but it never happened.  After coming back from the
dead, I'll be leaving for immortality at:  11-6-4-21-17-8-17, and easily the best AB
Nuln's run and his first AB to graduate to boot!  So all you TP's can stop wetting
your APA now. ;)  I'll miss this crazy place. -- Derald

Death Stud -- Yeah, so I went out like a chump (hey!), but aren't we all entitled one
or two of those every lunar cycle?  We all have those days when we just ain't got

"it." -- Nuln
P.S.  If you ever do drop-kick a donkey of mine, please let me know, because as far
as I know I don't own one.

Soultaker -- Darn, I totally disrespected your ability to read the newsletter.  :)
My bad!  You surprise me anew each turn, oh wise and sagacious Soultaker. -- Nuln
P.S.  Have you answered Guardian's email yet?  ;)

Zig-Zag dude -- My, uh, you do seem to pack a wallop.  I salute you! -- Chim Richalds

Rillion -- How'd you like those FONZ in-challenges last turn?  Luckily we're not an
alliance, or we might start in fighting!  Oh, wait....  :) -- Nuln

Death Strudel -- Thanks for finding and returning my "eth."  Don't worry, I have it
locked up in a safe place >>cough**freezer**cough<< where no-one can find it.  In any
event, fine fine work.  I might even consider you before the great Encyclopedia
Manager when the next time comes.  Do you have a trade name, perchance? -- Nuln

Best Spots from The Award Winning Aradi Free Press last turn:
     Blue Bonnet -- size small (1st)     The Commander In Chief
     Red Bandanna (2nd)                  A Gift For Seraphim
     White Headband (3rd)                Legend Of Nuln's Nutsack
     Pink Pantaloon (last)               'Twas The night Before Tourney
     Pink Pantaloon (last)               Xiang summary
          AWAFP Editor

Pearly Whites -- You despicable creature!  That won't happen again.  I know your
strategy well. -- The Riddler

Tiger Ty -- You were no match for The Queen Of Aradi.  Aradi magistrates, where, oh
where, do you find these peons? -- White Witch

Smirlin -- Something smells fishy about you, but thanks for the win anyhow. -- Tiny

     It's TOGS.  Everything smells fishy. -- Ed.

Sugar Bottoms -- I smell stink from your rear and your blood will taste of salt! --
Jack The Ripper

Kharma C -- If I weren't so nice I would tell you what I really think of you! -- Snow

Death Stud -- Good try with your comment about "relishing the idea of actually
challenging up", but we all know the truth.  Good try. -- Crazy Creeps Scribe

Lord Xiang -- Manager is indeed very convincing.  We certainly agree on that. --
Crazy Creeps Scribe

Studly Dudley doo dah diddy uppity duppity cheaperonious!  Yowser bowser ding dong
belly button. -- The Creepster

Death Stud again -- Humble?  Humble!  We acknowledge the small, but humble? -- Crazy
Creeps scribe

CACftDOS -- Besmirch the name of FONZ?  (That's "dis" to you.)  Berate the FONZ?
Attempt to maneuver the FONZ out?  Never!  All Consortiumites have been nothing but
friendly and loving and caring for the FONZ beings.  No Consortiumite would dream of
a life without FONZ.  After all, the easy wins make life much more pleasant. --
Pandora of the Pretty Legs (agreeing with The Elders for once)

Seraphim and Lord Xiang -- Congratulations on your recent bloodletting.  You are my
kind on MEN.  I love blood!  (And men--wink.) -- Pretty Pandora

Tidbits from The Award Winning Aradi Free Press
   LHI got 3 TCs but is incapable of winning TOGS.
   It took Butterfly 41 minutes to LOSE a fight.
   No one will miss Derald.
   Lady E confuses weeks with months.
   Panther said One-Timer sucks and proved it.
   Samwise and Mannequin were FTF proxied well beyond their expectations.
   Snotman challenged 100 points DOWN in line with FONZ methodology.
   FONZ = Frolicking Ooglers Naughty Zaniness
   Soultaker got "carried away" with Delarqs last round.
   Ultraist is a very capable cool cat.
   Soultaker inappropriately picked on Andorian great--Manager last round.
   LHI and TUM are queens of the token personal ad.
   Lady A is tired of repetitive reincarnation.
   The Temple Of Khorne is a hideous display of overbearing architecture.
   Leg Warmer Lust violated Tay Starle.
   Death Stud continues to deny the FONZ Conspiracy, even under oath.
   The Sandman is filing suit against FONZ for the designated junior title.
   Crapsicles!  Thanks to Syda Hammie, Aradi has a new motto.
   FONZ = Foolish Old Nutsack Zoo-people
   Even Soultaker is not too heavy for Mighty Stud.
   Rascally Rabbit's lack of knowledge is truly astounding.
   Ultraist & Jekyll are being pimp slapped by the Ladies A & E.
   Ghoti's spots are wide and short.
   The Crazy Creep's Scribe oft uses the alias "Norma".
   Nuln and Snotman are the complete package.
   Lady E has been known to stare at bohunk man-thighs.
   The air conditioning worked at The HI in Baltimore.

Soultaker -- Lighten up grouch.  It was all tongue in cheek.  All done in humour.
Apparently I touched a nerve for how quickly you had to jump in.  First off, I have
not made one excuse for myself or my alliance's performance.  We were unprepared and
have gotten our butts handed to us.  No one forced me to come here, you are right.  I
came for the fun and ya know what...thus far it has been despite my poor performance.
From a character standpoint I decided to come in as a Delarq team with my alliance-
mate Ultraist (side note--I actually started this game Free Blades and still consider
myself Free Blades which is a point of contention with my alliance but that is
neither here nor there) and have played that role in my spotlights.  It's all in good
humour.  Snotman, to whose aid you so quickly came, took it in stride.  I know not
all Andorians are the same, as are not all Delarqs, Free Bladers, etc.  This is my
first foray into an Andorian arena so I only went off what I have discovered from the
Andorian side which is the rhetoric of health, humility, etc.  Ya gotta remember
whether it is fair or not that when all you hear and read is that stuff it does seem
to paint a picture.  That is the picture I decided to play up, knowing darn well that
not ALL Andorians played and acted like that.  Deal with it.  The non vocal Andorians
let their actions speak for them and don't push it upon others.  I respect that.
Then again, acting like a complete jerk with your statements as you did with your ad
could create another viewpoint of Andorians but I know that is not the case.  Once
again, it's all in good fun and nothing personal against Snotman nor any Andorian in
particular.  But I do appreciate the lecture nonetheless and for being so honorable
and righteous.  You are truly a saint among saints. -- Jekyll

Snotman -- Yeah I know you don't push your views upon anyone.  See above ad to Father
Time.  I would have done the same thing and Downchallenge Bloodfeuded.  Actually I
would have probably done it all four times with Nappy Dugout with a 10KD.  I don't
fault you for that at all.  It's all part of living by the sword and all that jazz.
-- Jekyll

All -- I love the mail service.  I actually sent my turns in with my spotlight well
ahead of time.  Wouldn't have helped much at any rate. -- Jekyll

All -- Well, it has been fun.  My team is all but mathematically eliminated from the
competition.  I'll still be around till the end of this thing and I'm gonna use the
DA very liberally as well to go ahead and prepare for the next installment of TOGS
later on down the road.  I'll still have some guys in here to play spoiler so fire
away those challenges. -- Jekyll

Rillion -- What is a dumb move is even thinking about getting revenge on me.  Mess
with me, and I'll take away everything you hold dear and leave you a broken, bitter,
shell of a man.  (Well, even more broken and bitter than you are these days anyway.)
-- Manager
P.S.  It would be a shame if ST-Stump Run were to DIE in the last turn of Zalcon,
costing you 20 Team Roll-Ups.

     *blink* Is Zalcon still going? -- Ed.

write another personal ad to Mannequin and then him that he's going to like it or
else you'll plant the rest of his warriors underground as well! -- Manager, Image

Lord Xiang -- Top Seeded Delarquans?  That's like having a womens' division in
sports.  (No offense to Ladies A&E.) -- Manager

Death Stud -- The fact that you can pretty much list every single FONZ challenge in a
personal ad says it all.  If you compare the inter-FONZ challenges with previous TOGS
and this one, it's not even close.  No one believes a word of what you FONZ colluders
are saying--you talk about getting team 2, but you guys pretty much handed them their
big lead with your passive playing. -- Manager

Death Stud -- Are you feeling sorry for our team?  Why else would you telling Rillion
to make us pay?  Surely you realize the windfall of points that Ganolus and Hombre
got when Rillion tried to make them pay as well. -- Manager

Death Stud -- A missed turn and a spotlight that was too short.  (Neither of which
was mine, of course.) -- Manager

The Sandman -- Junior members of the FONZ are determined by height, of course. --

Panther -- A huuuge congrats on taking the throne!  Don't stay there too long though.
-- Manager

TUM -- Great job with the challenges!  I'm so proud! -- Manager

Viper LXXI -- Oof!  I hope you aren't Death Stud's answer to TP's in the TOGS. --

Dilen -- Sorry, about your wasted challenges last time, then again, who else could
you have used them on.  I didn't really plan on missing last time just one of those
things.  Hopefully Ettin will teach Foskie a lot, because there's a 99.9% chance that
he'll lose.  Anyway, that Kelly Clarkson concert was pretty badass huh? -- Pauly

RUGs -- Um, just in case you weren't sure, I'm NOT trying to form a basketball team.
-- Pauly

Nuln -- Don't worry, that dream will never die. -- Pauly

All -- Does anyone know if the "Award Winning Aradi Free Press" has actually won any
awards?  For some reason, part of me questions their journalistic integrity. -- Pauly

     Of course they've won awards!  Not journalistic awards, I must admit, but still!
     -- Ed.
     P.S.  They're probably "World Famous" too.

Pauly -- I see you are making a lot of friends here in Aradi.  I tell you nothing
makes a man so happy as seeing his loved ones take their place in the world.  Don't
get me wrong, I'm happy for you too. -- Indidad

Elephant -- Your pal Cyberpunk ripped me off!!  I am holding you responsible for my
losses. -- Indimar

Hombre and Ganolus -- We couldn't be any closer if we were all sharing one pair of
tasteful yet flashy legwarmers. -- Indimar and whatever member of the wee folk that
is managing Atlas Park this week.

Ed. -- I thought it best we didn't share a nut sack. -- Indimar

     I should hope not.  The very thought! -- Ed.

Nulnerooski and The Snotmeister -- Are you starting to hear footsteps?  I don't want
you letting the fact that a measly three points is all that separates us getting your
mind all messed up. -- Indimar

D.Stud -- Having never met Soultaker I am not sure what kind of a load you are
hauling through TOGS, but I think you can appreciate the agony each step must be for
Elepunk with me on his shoulders.  If only I had some spurs. -- Indimar "large and in
charge" Fallon

Snotman -- I decided I wanted to be snottin' too.  It was great...right up until the
snot reacted with my unidentified foot fungus and the pads fused to the soles of my
feet.  You, sir, will be hearing from my lawyer. -- Sir Indimar Fallon

Syda Hammie -- I don't want you to think I'm picking on you, but how long will it
take you to climb back above me in the rankings? -- Jamis

Holly Skull -- I could do more damage but would I still be fast enough?  HMMMMM....
-- Tay Starle

Panther -- You bastard!  What happened to the conspiracy?  Rillion will be sorely
disappointed with your divisive and treacherous actions. -- One-Timer

Whew, escaped the Pink Pantaloon last turn....

     Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men....  The Pink Pantaloon knows! --

Syda Hammie -- I think that's 0 fer 2 for you, isn't it?  Care to try for the
trifecta? -- Hurricane

Rillion -- Nice job revenging that bloodfeud.  It's patently obvious that you have a
conspiracy with Manager to throw him fights and help him pull back into improbable
contention.  Don't you feel dirty? -- Death Studs

Sunshine -- Imagine my embarrassment.  I thought that may have been a case of being
caught on a bad strat and it sort of was, but you also beat me pretty cleanly.  I am
ashamed at my performance and hope to make amends with the Stud should we ever fight
again. -- Viper

Rillion -- Anger issues? -- Death Stud

Lord Xiang -- You cursed me to lose the throne and for that you shall pay dearly.
Please send $1.75 penance to the Death Studs guildhouse at once. -- Many-Timer

Lady A -- An occasional death or nine keeps you on your toes and keeps the mind
sharp. -- Death Stud

Soultaker -- Way to have a little Delarquan moment there on Jekyll.  It's nice of you
to help make the new guys feel right at home. -- Death Stud

Jekyll -- Don't mind Soultanchor, he gets a little cranky when he's not regular. --
Death Stud

Spam Sandwich -- Did Rillion put you up to that?  Didn't you get the no-challenge
notice?  Maybe as a "junior" member of the FONZ, it didn't come through clearly.
Please contact the Demons of Darkness stable and I'm sure Rillion will be happy to
clear it up. -- Cobra

AARP -- What kind of Delarquan are you that you would let a lily-livered Andorian
pansy warrior kill one of yours and let him walk away laughing without even
attempting to avenge the fallen?  Tsk, tsk. -- Hurricane

All right, this is making me mad.  Top team only scores 35 points and we still manage
to lose ground?  OK Ghoti, you come over and kick my guys' butts and I'll go kick
some Ogre butt! -- Street Legal

Starling -- You may have squeaked one out against my young colleague but you will now
taste the blade of my Saber as it rattles!  Puff-Puff-Pass! -- Zig Zag Man

Butterfly -- I would've thought with all that flying around you'd have dropped first
but I guess I was flying higher than thou! -- Dr. Feelgood

All -- Well I am going to be out of town for a few days, including when the results
for this turn are posted.  So I will talk to you all later.  I would write more but
I've got too many things happening right now to take the time unfortunately. --

LHI -- It was a fun, blurry tourney, wasn't it? -- TUM

Crazy Creeps -- I'm offended.  I'm much more of a Dragon Tales person.  Dora The
Explorer is just plain humiliating! -- TUM

Cialas -- Ouch. -- Private Parts

Indimar -- With the resigning of Cyberpunk, I sure hope you can manage us to a
winning record. -- Karma Chameleon

A-sop -- Thanks for the fun, and the abuse.  I always enjoy both. -- Seraphim

Samwise -- I know, it wasn't funny; also wasn't my idea. -- Seraphim

Lord Xiang -- Keep it up. -- Seraphim

Crazy creeps press -- I removed the clap from Aradi?  Wouldn't that make me Dr
Dubyah? -- G Dubyah

Seraphim -- I enjoyed the spotlight.  I always liked Fantasy Island.  Carlos
Montalbon was especially cool as Khan, wasn't he?  It's too bad the chest was fake.
-- Samwise

Mannequin -- I could have used some luck.  I did terrible. -- Samwise

Manager -- I would have sent Malt-O-Meal to the tourney, had he qualified as an
Adept.  But, with 25 FE and an active TV Challenge through the end of TOGS, the risk
outweighed the reward of sending him to the tourney as a low FE Champion. -- Samwise

All -- I tried to TC...but didn't quite make it. -- Harsiesus

All -- Gratuitous personal ad. -- LHI

Death Stud -- I'd love to take credit but really I was just responding to Nuln's
cognitronix reference. -- Snotman

Soultaker -- I do declare.  Chivalry is not dead.  I never dreamed that one of my own
alliancemates would actually defend my honor.  It's good to know that you've got my
back (and I don't mean in a sharing a bed at the face kinda way). -- Snotman

Ed. -- Hmm, I take after my maternal grandfather.  He was a sort of donkey too but
I'll probably get censored if I tell you what we used to call him. -- Snotman

     Me, censor you?  *sob*  How can you think such a thing of me!  I'm crushed!
    *ahem*  Right.  I feel better now. -- Ed.

Aradi Free Press -- Your newspaper doesn't even bother to do any fact checking.
Kappa Alfalfa Alfalfa is a frat, not a sorority.  I'd rather read Snotman's censored
spotlights and even Farmer boB's Journal of Aradi Animal Husbandry than your poorly
written paper. -- A disgruntled reader who definitely was not a member of Kappa
Alfalfa Alfalfa.

Sandman -- My goodness I must have been out of my mind to say you were junior.  I
must find a better word to describe the newest member in the greatest non-alliance
ever.  How could one such as I ever try to match your prowess in the tournaments.
You have long ago taken the pebble from the hand of the masters surrounding you and
went on to such awesome heights of success that we are all honored when you grace us
with your words of wisdom and tales of your triumphs.  Oh yeah.  <grin> -- Soultaker

Death Stud -- Come on please, just a while longer.  You know how it is at my age I
only have a few good runs left and I need to conserve my energy. -- Soultaker

All -- Curses to all who did well at the tourney from Aradi....  Cuz we sure didn't.
-- The Bizzle

All (again) -- Congrats to myself (how pathetic is that?) for my first Primus TV!!!
It's about time...and thanks to Doc Steele for sending in his warriors for me to
climb the TV ladder.... -- Hombre

The Riddler -- Did the glare of my teeth blind you? -- Pearly Whites

Hawaiian Kona -- I think I furloughed there when I was in the Merchant Marines.... --
Miser Krabs

Stone Cold Nuts -- You would have been easier to finish off if shrinkage hadn't
played such a (ahem) large factor. -- Squiggnerd

Jack the Ripper -- Jack be nimble.  Jack be quick.  Jack get poked 37 times with a
popsicle stick. -- Sugar Bottoms

Death Stud -- HA!  Did you have to hire the Inch High Private Eye to figure out my
message? -- Mannequin

Aquanetta -- Do you know that there was a many year ago actress actually named that?
I think her name had a "c" in it...she did quite a few of those "b" movies...okay,
enough with the small talk....  What happened was "You killed one of my favorite
warriors!  Prepare to die!" -- Lady E
P.S.  Yes, your membership is revoked.

Bin Laden -- Go back to hiding in the hills.  Surprised.  Not as easy a challenge as
you thought. -- Thalia

Small Intestine -- Did you know if we stretched you out on a rack, you would be about
18 to 21 feet long?  After that fight, putting you on a rack sounds good to me. --

Aquanetta -- Okay, let's try that again in a Bloodfeud. -- Analise

Flamenco A Go Go -- Darn, I almost had you. -- Natalia

Lady A -- So what was your surprise at the tournament? -- Lady E

Lady A -- Whoa, girl...your team is getting mighty bloodthirsty.  Am I supposed to
try harder to keep up?  Hope I'm not too heavy to carry...I'll try and do better in
the next few turns. -- Lady E

Lady A -- Should we be offended?  Is it really such a surprise that our team is doing
okay?  And that we are lasting this whole TOGS?  Have we ever played before and
dropped out?  I'm really wondering if we should be offended.  Why should it be
assumed that we would be last in this contest?  I would think our odds have greatly
improved from 10,000 to 1 now, don't you? -- Lady E, slightly miffed
P.S.  Maybe I should learn some of your torture techniques.  Or even better, let's
get together and think of some really good ones.

Ed. -- Some of these stories are actually quite funny...of course, I'm not editing
them.  :) -- Lady E

     Yes, some of them are funny.  Some might even have been funnier before I
     interfered.... -- Ed.

Ganolus -- Why, thank you, kind sir.  Lovely Queens of Aradi is very nice...but why
is it so surprising that we are keeping our word to play in this contest? -- Lady E,
still wondering if she is offended by all this surprise
P.S.  Although I must be honest and admit I am surprised we actually did the
challenges at times....  How do you have time to go into such depth and work with all
these things???

Death Studdikins -- My admiration and respect for you in handling all these details,
and still play in this contest with all those details, is boundless.  How DO you keep
up with it all?  Mrs. Death must be one very patient woman.  I hope after this
contest you take her out for a long and luxurious weekend away.  She deserves it
too!!  Or better yet, have her come to the Aradi Resort and Spa and I will personally
see to it she has a whole day of rest, relaxation, and deluxe pampering! -- Lady E

Nuln baby -- You are the best writing partner anyone could ever wish for.  I loved
this turn's story.  And last turn's.  You are too funny! -- Lady E
P.S.  I've got some more ideas.  Let's talk. :)

Crazy Creepster -- After your last story, I forgive you your insult from the past.
And yes, I had a wonderfully enticing proposition that evening...especially since I
left just before you did, you naughty boy. -- Lady E, still alluring in her perfume

TUM -- You don't read your email either, eh?  Are you sure you're not a clone of
Soultaker?  Or maybe you read it but don't answer.  In which case, I'm hurt.  And you
can't blame ETUM because he's been bored to death and there's no coming back from
that kind of death. -- Lady E, hmmmphing

Soultaker -- So you don't read your email...no wonder I never received a reply from
that erotica story I sent you....  Hmm, I did wonder why you never said anything.  I
thought I just embarrassed you which I thought could never be done.  There were some
amazing...well, never mind.  I won't bother you again with such stories. -- Lady E,
sadly disappointed

Lord Xiang -- Did I mention that I am still amazed and confounded with your fantasy
of Richard Simmons?  What WERE you thinking!!? -- Lady E

     You know, some questions are best left unanswered. -- Ed.

Mannequin -- Don't worry.  We destroyed that goat cheese replica of you, so you don't
have to worry about losing.  But knowing you, I'm sure you weren't.  Going to be at
the next FTF in January again? -- Lady E

Snotman -- Hi sweets!  How's Snotwoman and the little snotling? -- Lady E

Hombre -- I was thinking of you the other day...not sure why...oh yes, I remember
now...my son would like to thank you and Soultaker for telling me about Warquest or
whatever the name of that game is.  I can't get him away from it now.  Thanks a lot!
-- Lady E :P

One Timer -- I was hoping using a weapon would increase my odds of beating you as
opposed to trying to punch your lights out.  Don't tell Rillion I challenged you
though.  He's in denial so just keep that on the D/L. -- Panther

Dilen -- Hey baby, how 'bout actually issuing some challenges this time so I don't
have to randomly lose to all your warriors?  Please!  Just a thought.... -- Ganolus

Hombre -- Man, you've taken ticking off the RUGs to a whole new level! -- Ganolus

Hombre -- No spotlight!  Ok, that's your gimme for this TOGS (even though I did
remind you).  My warriors survived the FTF so I won't have to quit on you this time
around.  <grin> -- Ganolus

TUM, Nuln, and Snotman -- I especially loved your spotlights last turn as usual.
Nice work! -- Ganolus

Night Hag -- You weeyotch! -- Silent Spocker

Ettin -- Well done!  I thought I had you there for a minute. -- Ninja

Pauly -- I know Dilen is beautiful and all, but you gonna let that Bloodfeud go
unrevenged? -- A very concerned Ganolus

Samwise -- Thank you for letting someone else take me out of Eligibles.  I really
appreciate that in a weird sort of way. -- Ganolus

Manager -- I owe you in January.  Thank you! -- Ganolus

Nuln -- Way to throw your nuts around! -- Ganolus

TUM -- Thanks for the tip on the hazards of corn flakes.  I'll be much more cautious
when around them in the future.  Who knew? -- Ganolus

All -- I didn't manage to get caught up on the last couple turns of spots and ads,
I'll hope next cycle is better.  I'm almost looking forward to the school year
starting, then at least things will settle down as no one else will have any more
time than I do! -- Lady A

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

ANTHRAX butchered JORGE BLACK ORC in a crowd pleasing 3 minute Dark Arena fight.
RITALIN was murdered by BORED ELF in a 1 minute Dark Arena melee.
MORPHINE was murdered by ARNIE SHEW in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
THIS IS LAME was slaughtered by SEA MONSTER in a 1 minute Dark Arena brawl.
LOSER was butchered by MARINE TROLL in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
JUMBO LITTLE was assassinated by SEA MONSTER in a 1 minute bloody Dark Arena match.
SUGAR BOTTOMS was devastated by CIALIS in a 1 minute one-sided Bloodfeud duel.
ZIG-ZAG MAN devastated STARLING in a 1 minute mismatched Bloodfeud match.
MANDA handily defeated AQUA NETTA in a 1 minute uneven Bloodfeud fight.
RACOON HAMMER unbelievably bested GREEN DISEASE in a 4 minute Bloodfeud duel.
FOSKIE was overpowered by ETTIN in a 1 minute uneven Bloodfeud duel.
PANTHER was overpowered by DERALD in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
G DUBYAH was overpowered by MOUSE in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
PINTO BEANS was demolished by DERRIN in a 5 minute mismatched Challenge competition.
SUNSHINE was demolished by HURRICANE XXXVII in a 2 minute one-sided Challenge brawl.
SPAM SANDWICH was handily defeated by JAMIS in a 1 minute uneven Challenge fight.
BLOODLUST MUTE was unbelievably bested by ONE-TIMER in a 13 minute Challenge duel.
JAVA was bested by KARMA CHAMELEON in a 2 minute Challenge brawl.
NIGHT HAG unbelievably bested OSO in a exciting 4 minute brutal Challenge fight.
SNOW WHITE was savagely defeated by BUTTERFLY in a 44 minute veteran's Challenge bout.
LEG WARMER LUST butchered DR. FEELGOOD in a 6 minute one-sided Challenge contest.
LOOSE DENTURES was outlasted by VENREK in a monotonous 8 minute gory Challenge duel.
HOLSTIEN HEAVEN was outwaited by JACK THE RIPPER in a dull 20 minute Challenge duel.
CHIM RICHALDS was devastated by SILENT SPOCKER in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
SMALL INTESTINE was savagely defeated by CEPL in a 2 minute brutal Challenge duel.
VAS DEFERENS defeated BOSTON TERRIER in a popular 5 minute Challenge duel.
HOSCHA overpowered SPINACH in a 1 minute brutal uneven Challenge match.
F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE vanquished THALIA in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fray.
B.C. GOLD overcame CONDI in a 2 minute Challenge bout.
WHITE WITCH was handily defeated by THE AVENGING SCROD in a 2 minute Challenge duel.
COYOTE overpowered SIGMOID COLON in a popular 1 minute uneven Challenge duel.
RESPECT THE PACKAGE was overpowered by DEATH SPONGE in a 1 minute Challenge match.
SQUIGGNERD was luckily beaten by BIN LADEN in a 3 minute Challenge bout.
HARSIESUS was overpowered by NINJA in a 1 minute uneven Challenge bout.
BRAE'TAC subdued YELLOW JACKET in a 5 minute Challenge contest.
PESMERGA vanquished DAYNE in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge fight.
KREE was subdued by FLAMENCO A GO-GO in a 3 minute Challenge match.
HAWAIIAN KONA devastated AFTERNOON NAP in a popular 4 minute uneven Challenge bout.
THE RIDDLER demolished WHISTLE PIG in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge conflict.
PEARLY WHITES was outwaited by STONE COLD NUTS in a 12 minute novice's Challenge bout.
3D'S NOT L33T savagely defeated NINE HUNDRED in a 7 minute Challenge competition.
PINK unbelievably bested DOA in a 3 minute gory Challenge match.
VOLMAX was subdued by SONETT in a crowd pleasing 3 minute uneven duel.
WARAGEN subdued TAY STARLE in a crowd pleasing 4 minute expert's conflict.
HOLLY SKULL defeated JIM PANZI in a crowd pleasing 2 minute gruesome veteran's brawl.
TINY TIM unbelievably bested SMIRLIN in a popular 7 minute brutal veteran's match.
NAPPY DUGOUT overpowered SHMAMY CROCKETT in a 1 minute one-sided Title duel.
SEHENSTES was beaten by VIRGINAL GIGOLO in a 2 minute veteran's fray.
SYDA HAMMIE overcame SUTTY in a 2 minute duel.
RUKGAZ subdued ANALISE in a 2 minute match.
VIPER LXXI handily defeated LIMA BEANS in a 1 minute one-sided bout.
HYQ demolished FUN IN THE BARN in a 1 minute one-sided fight.
STORM FIRE was put to death by HYDRO ON THE D-LO in a 1 minute contest.
WALMART GREETER was handily defeated by ASGARD in a 1 minute mismatched match.
PIZNAUL JIZNOKE demolished ZEROSE in a 1 minute mismatched battle.
ERRA EVAD was overpowered by TYVEK in a 1 minute one-sided brawl.
COBRA XXI demolished MACS in a 1 minute mismatched contest.
HAMBURGER HELPER was overpowered by BIG DEAL in a 1 minute bloody uneven bout.
DERS overpowered MADONNA in a crowd pleasing 1 minute mismatched fight.
KRAKEN butchered MISER KRABS in a 1 minute one-sided bout.
MEALS ON WHEELS overpowered NATALIA in a 1 minute one-sided duel.
PRIVATE PARTS overcame RICKON in a 2 minute battle.
THE LBA outwaited HOWLER in a 8 minute bloody bout.
9000 was overpowered by ONE HOT BABE in a exciting 1 minute gruesome mismatched bout.
HOFFA was viciously subdued by MONKEY PAW in a popular 9 minute gory bout.
TIGER TY defeated FRATSFAN NOBLE in a 2 minute melee.
GENOH outwaited GAZREK in a exciting 8 minute novice's match.
DOLP slaughtered BRUNETTE in a 1 minute one-sided fight.
ENTMIL was bested by LOKI IX in a 1 minute beginner's match.
BLONDIE butchered INFERIOR VENA CAVA in a exciting 1 minute one-sided bout.
URETHRA was beaten by RIP TORN in a popular 3 minute gory fight.
INIYO was bested by THANKS MANAGER in a exciting 1 minute amateur's duel.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|STRIKING ATTACK                 29         TOTAL PARRY      141 - 122 -  1      54  |
|LUNGING ATTACK                  29         LUNGING ATTACK   151 - 135 - 11      53  |
|TOTAL PARRY                     28         AIMED BLOW        89 -  85 -  6      51  |
|AIMED BLOW                      21         PARRY-LUNGE       14 -  16 -  1      47  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                 11         SLASHING ATTACK   54 -  64 -  2      46  |
|WALL OF STEEL                    7         STRIKING ATTACK  109 - 133 - 11      45  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   5         PARRY-STRIKE       9 -  12 -  0      43  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      2         WALL OF STEEL     44 -  60 -  4      42  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    2         BASHING ATTACK    21 -  44 -  1      32  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     2         PARRY-RIPOSTE      8 -  20 -  0      29  |

Turn 395 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

STRIKING ATTACK   18 - 11     LUNGING ATTACK    14 - 15         5  LUNGING ATTACK 
TOTAL PARRY       17 - 11     AIMED BLOW         9 - 12         3  TOTAL PARRY    
PARRY-LUNGE        1 -  1     WALL OF STEEL      3 -  4         2  SLASHING ATTACK
PARRY-RIPOSTE      1 -  1     SLASHING ATTACK    3 -  8         1  STRIKING ATTACK
                              PARRY-STRIKE       0 -  2     
                              BASHING ATTACK     0 -  5     

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
TOTAL PARRY      ONE-TIMER 7169             32   7  0  115 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
LUNGING ATTACK   HOLLY SKULL 7276           20  15  0  109 CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
SLASHING ATTACK  SMIRLIN 6568               18  17  0   95 OGRES ARE US (270)
BASHING ATTACK   VOLMAX 7592                 5   4  0   87 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
PARRY-STRIKE     JIM PANZI 7382              9   8  0   83 FUNKY FOLK (565)
AIMED BLOW       KARMA CHAMELEON 7636        9   3  1   74 ATLAS PARK (592)
WALL OF STEEL    SYDA HAMMIE 6667           16  12  0   70 OGRES ARE US (270)
PARRY-LUNGE      BIN LADEN 7646              7   5  0   35 DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is NAPPY DUGOUT 6080.  The most popular warrior this 
turn was SMIRLIN 6568.  The ten other most popular fighters were MONKEY PAW 7854, 
KONA 7853, 3D'S NOT L33T 7833, HOLLY SKULL 7276, and ANTHRAX 7669.

The least popular fighter this week was SNOW WHITE 7486.  The other ten least popular 
HOFFA 7713, and THE LBA 7810.

The following warriors will travel to AD after next turn:

SMIRLIN (60-6568) OGRES ARE US (270)

The following warriors have traveled to AD after fighting this turn:

DERALD (60-7285) 4000 BLOWS (107)


Please note that all new teams created at the Face-to-Face were temporarily placed 
in a temporary Tournament Arena, DM 81 or DM 83.  If you requested that your team be 
placed in a specific arena, it has already transferred to that arena.  Any teams not 
transferred out of DM 81 and DM 83 by September 1st will be deleted.  If you have 
questions about any of your teams, please contact Customer Service. -- RSI 


     For those of you who keep track of such things, 5 additional warriors graduated 
from regular DM arenas (including closed arenas) since the last tournament.  

                       SNOTTYMAN (40-3685) of THEY TRAINED ME!
                            HORRID (65-6385) of LEGION IV
                         JUDICIOUSLY (82-27214) of ADVERBS II
                      TERRICONUS (82-27651) of THE GLORIOUS DARK
                      FLABBY-O (82-30720) of STREET PIZZAD XXII

Congrats to the grads. -- Green Eyes