DUEL 2 NEWSLETTER

Date   : 08/25/2006    Duedate: 09/07/2006

ARADI ARENA

DM-60    TURN-397

This Weeks Top Honors

THE DUELMASTER IS

TINY TIM
CRAZY CREEPS (207)
(60-6042) [16-4-1,128]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

TINY TIM                       POSITION IS EMPTY
CRAZY CREEPS (207)             
(60-6042) [16-4-1,128]         

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

DERRIN                         NATALIA
WING HOVE (529)                ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
(60-6952) [11-14-0,66]         (60-7790) [4-5-0,27]

THE CURRENT TOP TEAM

 (-1)

          TEAMS ON THE MOVE            TOP CAREER HONORS
Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)        79
2. SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)  41      BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
3. GOIN' TUBIN' (577)          41      Unchartered Team
4. BIKINI BOTTOM (596)         38
5. DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)  38      OLD MCDONALD (326)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 1 BIKINI BOTTOM (596)       31  18  4 63.3   1/ 4 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 12  3 0
 2/ 2 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)    41  31  1 56.9   2/ 2 WILD CARDS (148)         12  3 0
 3/ 3 SAAB STORY (389)         138 107 11 56.3   3/15 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)     11  4 0
 4/ 4 DEATH STUDS VII (301)    459 370 15 55.4   4/ 7 CRAZY CREEPS (207)       10  5 2
 5/ 5 CRAZY CREEPS (207)       523 439 17 54.4   5/ 1 DEATH STUDS VII (301)    10  5 0
 6/ 7 WILD CARDS (148)         760 676 31 52.9   6/18 GOIN' TUBIN' (577)       10  5 0
 7/ 6 ATLAS PARK (592)          38  34  1 52.8   7/ 5 SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586)  9  6 0
 8/ 9 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 203 185 13 52.3   8/16 SILENT WARRIORS (561)     8  7 0
 9/10 THINGS ILL NEVER G (601)  24  22  0 52.2   9/ 3 ATLAS PARK (592)          8  7 0
10/13 GOIN' TUBIN' (577)       137 131  6 51.1  10/ 9 THINGS ILL NEVER G (601)  7  6 0
11/15 SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586)  30  29  1 50.8  11/19 WING HOVE (529)           7  7 1
12/12 SILENT WARRIORS (561)     61  61  3 50.0  12/14 DILEN'S HORDE (587)       7  7 1
13/17 DARK TOGS (526)           12  12  2 50.0  13/12 SAAB STORY (389)          7  8 1
14/ 8 INQUISITION SG-1 (540)    21  22  1 48.8  14/13 4000 BLOWS (107)          7  8 1
15/11 AARP (583)                33  35  2 48.5  15/10 THE BIZZLE (593)          7  8 1
16/14 CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)       96 104  4 48.0  16/ 8 OGRES ARE US (270)        7  8 0
17/16 4000 BLOWS (107)         640 698 31 47.8  17/ 6 BIKINI BOTTOM (596)       6  9 0
18/21 DILEN'S HORDE (587)       33  36  3 47.8  18/20 INQUISITION SG-1 (540)    6  9 0

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
19/18 OGRES ARE US (270)       169 188  2 47.3  19/24 FUNKY FOLK (565)          5  4 0
20/20 WING HOVE (529)           68  76  4 47.2  20/25 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)       5 10 0
21/23 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      59  66  2 47.2  21/11 AARP (583)                5 10 0
22/ 0 BEERBARIANS (528)         16  18  4 47.1  22/26 ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)  5 10 0
23/19 THE BIZZLE (593)          31  36  4 46.3  23/21 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)    4 10 0
24/22 ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)  39  48  1 44.8  24/23 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591)  4 11 0
25-25 VOUGEOOT (464)            88 115  9 43.3  25/17 CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)       3  7 0
26/27 FUNKY FOLK (565)          36  50  3 41.9  26/27 DILLIGAF LEGION (589)     3 12 1
27/24 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)       25  35  0 41.7  27/28 DARK TOGS (526)           2  0 1
28/26 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591)  30  43  4 41.1  28-22 VOUGEOOT (464)            2  8 1
29/28 DILLIGAF LEGION (589)     23  43  2 34.8  29/ 0 BEERBARIANS (528)         1  0 0
30-29 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD  (585)  14  30  3 31.8  30-29 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD  (585)  1  4 1

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                    TEAM SPOTLIGHT

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
        -----     -----     -----    Lord Xiang    -----     -----     -----

     Lord Xiang had another day off, so he spent the day at the Aradi Resort & Spa,
taking in a relaxing massage.  The stress of running a team during TOGS is
tremendous.  Just coming up with a spotlight each turn is a strain his lordship is
unused to, never mind suited to.  The personal ads, however, are right up his alley.
He takes great pride in letting people know exactly what is on his mind!  He laughs
at the 'requirement' that TOGS puts on personals.  Just imagine, he is 'required' to
do exactly what he normally would anyway!  The spotlights, however, are a pull on his
precious resources.  He hasn't been able to find anyone to write for him, at any
price, so he has to take the time to write them himself.  And THAT takes away from
time needed to properly manage his team.
     His team is hovering right around the magical 50% mark.  This is less than
satisfying, as the team should be performing much better than it actually is.  With
the death of Oxygen Tank, the team's lackluster performance leaves little doubt as to
what will happen once TOGS is complete.  There are one or two (or even three or four,
depending on the arena speed) other arenas that require his attention.  So this
massage is a well-deserved treat!
     At the completion of his massage, Lord Xiang exited his salon room, turned
towards the entrance, and proceeded down the corridor.  Remembering his last foray
down this way, he chuckled and grimaced at the same time.  He was hoping not to be
shocked this time, but he steeled himself for any situation.
     Hearing familiar voices behind a curtain, his lordship peeked in, and saw
Mannequin, Hombre, Death Stud, and Soultaker all in a hot tub (whose jets were
obviously being overworked, the water was churning, bubbling, and steaming beyond
belief!) talking, nay LAUGHING, about how they have the TOGS community debating the
definition of collusion, and that this debate can be taken until the end of TOGS,
keeping all concerned tied up in knots!  All the while sharing style information and
making sure that challenges are not duplicated!  Collusion indeed!!
     Soultaker saw Lord Xiang peeking in and got startled.  He jumped out of the hot
tub, screaming about Delarquan invasion of privacy and spymasters.  The spandex
shorts he was wearing would have made Daisy Duke blush!  This proceeded to make his
three companions plus the Delarquan interloper bring up their last meal.  Once
Soultaker was out of the tub, the churning and bubbling stopped, and the water
temperature started to drop sharply.  Mannequin, Hombre, and Death Stud all looked at
each other with such alarm and disgust, that they quickly exited the tub themselves
and immediately rang for an attendant to check on the availability of showers in the
resort.  Chuckling at their distress, Lord Xiang continued on his way down the
corridor.
     Two doors down, there was a conference room labeled Top Secret Anti-FONZ
Collusion Meeting.  Seeing the door wide open, Lord Xiang stuck his head in and waved
to the Creepster and Manager.  After declining an offer to sit in on the meeting,
they went back to their 'strategy session,' as Manager picks up a card and yells,
"GIN!!"
     Once again making it to the lobby, his lordship makes another appointment with
the receptionist, and then leaves without further incident, surviving yet Another Day
Off.

          + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Crazy Creeps Spot #10 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                   COLLUSION PAYS

     "Come on, Creepster; quietly. Let me show you the passage." pulled The Crazy
Creeps Scribe, jiggling as she led The Creepster to the secret FONZ hideout.  She had
done a lot of detective work, and already by the beginning of round 2 she had found
the newest hideaway of FONZCO.  (FONZ Collusion Corporation)  It had certainly taken
many hours of effort as those FONZ connivers were as closed-mouth and as secretive as
they come.  First she had traced them to their leader, Death Stud's apartment, where
they held the earliest meetings.  But they apparently moved out of there, not just
for added secrecy, but because of the very low ceilings and because Samwise's
flatulations were even more significant in such a small, enclosed space.  The second
meeting place had been Hombre's big dilapidated barn pad, but everyone got fed up
with the animals that kept parading through the open barn facility.  More
importantly, when Nuln and Ganolus O. and Shaman kept wondering off to the stalls
with the animals, the extremely loud grunting noises drowned out the plotting and
conniving.  And then there was the Soultaker and Betsy fiasco.  So they moved on.
     The CC Scribe and The Creepster stealthily maneuvered through the cave, until
they reached the third opening on the right.  There The Scribe pointed to the
stalactite and said.  "When you push on that stalactite, the door will open.  Be
very, very careful as they are a dangerous and uncontrollable type of creature.  And
there are probably other dangerous and diseased animals in there."
     Later, after they had stealthily creeped (The Creepster was very good at that.)
and retreated through the cave, The Crazy Creepster was in his white-walled, no
furniture study, plotting his plan.  (He was really planning his plot, but he thought
the reverse sounded so cool.)  "Eureka!" he said in Creepstereese.  "I will hire Snow
White's trusty Seven Dwarfs to plant the transmitters, and to establish the 7x24
listen and summary.  Then I can share the daily synopsis with my brilliant TOGS
partner, Manager, winner of the first TOGS and renown as the ultimate TOGSer
everywhere.  We'll share the info as appropriate, and voila--we've got em!"
     The Seven Dwarfs--Sneaky, Stealthy, Havoc, Subterfuge, Dilemma, Uncouth, and
Wink--did a terrific job of not only establishing the verbal transmissions, but had
been able to install some top quality speakers under the toilet paper and in the
paper towel rack--neither of which any in the FONZ would ever think of using.  The
Creepster paid them handsomely with 2000 discarded roll up sheets, and a pair of
future promised Bonnie TC prizes.  (Hey, Manager wasn't getting off Scott-free!)
     Almost from the beginning, The Creepster, Manager, and The Crazy Creeps Scribe
(Of course, Creepy and Manager like a little eye-candy now and then, plus there had
to be an intelligent strategist and implementer on the strike team.) began meeting
daily to review the tapes.
     Examining the notes and "minutes on file at the secret hiding place" (The Crazy
Creeps Scribe's hidden, semi-inaccessible study adjacent to her bedroom) would reveal
some of the meetings, discussions, important happenings, improprieties, etc--such as:

     Pre round two--recorded phone call from Death Stud The Little to (amazingly)
Manager The Great--"Didja git my e mail, Manager.  Yeah.  You're gonna help me'n
Craig ain't you?  You and Craig--You mean Soultanchor?  Who's in the room with you
guys?  Jist me'n Soulie.  Let me get this straight; you want me to assist you in
backstabbing some of your alliance mates, namely Team 2, by providing info,
coordinating challenges, etc.  Do I have that straight?  Yeah, a good one, huh?
You're gonna help us, aincha?  Death Stud, you are so low.  Yeah, they'll never know.
Cain't let Junior and unFONZ beat our alliance.  'Sides, me'n Soultaker jist haveta
win.  (Great loud laughter and phone slamming down.)  Soulie, he hung up on us!  The
sumbachi!  I'll git him!
     Pre round four--We gotta keep together.  Darnit, Snottie, quit drooling on me.
Forn, Nuln; can't you use deodorant?  Good thing Sammie's not here.  We gotta stop
his butt.  We be doin' good so far with all us on top.  Don't want Sam'n Killer to
win.  No Flippin way!  Let's start with your team's challenges, Hombre.  Schiessen,
Hombre!  Can you put that thing back in the sack?  Save it for when you're alone.
Shut up!  You think you run this alliance!  Ain't no alliance, and....  Shut up,
runt!  I'm going out and visit the animals.  Yeah, yeah.  (lots of scrambling noise;
door shuts)
     Day after round six--Yeah!  Alla us FONZERS on top.  Gotta get rid of that
Mannequin'n Samwise.  Sam ain't really FONZ anyh....  (loud--very loud grunting
noises)  Dangit, Ganolus, can't you'n that pig get outta here and do that somewheres
else?!  (Apparent loud oink/squeal from surprised hog.)  Darnit, Stud!  Djhaveta hurt
my pig and make him leave.  I was just....  Shaddup, Ganolus!  These are your
challenges.  Now, you gonna do 'em or do you want me fillin out your sheets fer ya?
Soultaker, pay attention.  We need to talk about yours.  Are you payin attention?
     Pre round eight--Who told!?  Everbody knows we're colluding.  Who told!  Darnit!
This alliance is too loose.  We need to brace up.  Me'n Soulie wanna win this!  Yeah,
yeah, Stud, always about you.  Yeah, yeah.  Why didn't you and Manager partner.
You're both the same....  Gasp!  Jeez, Stud did ya haveta stick him a hunnerd times
with that tooth pick of yours.  I'm outta here.  (Doors slam, many footsteps follow.)

     The Crazy Creeps Scribe called Manager and The Creepster together for their
meeting after round eight.  "You guys are going to have to step up the pace if you
want to win.  Things are getting tough.  Now that Death Stud and Soultaker have The
FONZ colluding to assure their individual team win, and now that Death Stud has a
little assassination assignment let on you, Manager, it is time to rock and roll!
And, you know what?  It wouldn't hurt if you guys declared Delarquan and got some
help from that end.  So go out there and win one for The Gipper!"  The Scribe waltzed
out the door.  (Both managers liked to watch her waltz, especially from the rear.
She had a great...!)
     "Who's Gipper?" asked The Creepster as he and Manager started to discuss their
strategies.  (Actually, it was more like Gippy, yippie, doo dah; whobanger
whangeronious.)
     "I think he was a great coach for Nebraska, when they used to win." responded
Manager.  "Now, let's get down to business and win this thing."

      + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Closing of the Offwhitehouse ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     The details were all made, G Dubyah had received confirmation that the legion
had a limited number of turns left on active duty.  Without Seraphim's backing there
would be no legion.  G Dubyah was trying to convince the stonehearted manager into
letting the team stay active until he could become immortal but this was one election
it didn't look like he was going to win.  Seraphim; on the other hand, was in good
spirits.  Aside from the dismal and disappointing TOGS showing he was happy that Lord
Xiang wouldn't be leaving, and even mentioned he would be coming back stronger very
soon.  In fact TOGS was the only thorn in Seraphim's hand at the moment, Lord Xiang
commented that it was Manager who jinxed the whole thing.  Everything at the
beginning looked decent, but there was a paper out at the beginning that said the
biggest problem the team would face was warrior design, and while the designs were
solid at the start, the atrocious turn-over combined with the horrible learn rate of
the fighters still alive doomed the team.  Lord Xiang was still managing to hold his
own, but the Dilligaf legion really looked as if they didn't give a fudge.  Despite
the abysmal record though, Seraphim didn't seem to getting too much grief from the
other managers; that was reserved for Soultaker.  Due to the attrition rate just
finishing TOGS was somewhat of an accomplishment.  Fun and games was one thing and
while TOGS was fun there wasn't much to the game aspect.  The longer the tourney
lasted the more heated the conversation between managers had become.  Seraphim found
this humorous, not really involving himself in the alliance (and non-alliance)
rivalries yet finding the conversations involved very entertaining.  Seraphim was
already committed to the next TOGS and with his current record he knew there was
nothing but room for improvement.  Seraphim was sure that Lord Xiang felt the same
way, with Xiang pulling most of the points for the team it was assured that there was
ample room for Seraphim's improvement.  Although not every manager was as talkative
as the Crazy Creep (which is easily explained by the fact that he is indeed crazy and
more than a little creepy) every manager had something to say every turn which isn't
the same in some of the other arenas.  Hombre headed the list of the quieter bunch,
which was a shame since Seraphim liked him more than average.  It's was a good thing
TOGS was a static event, planning for the next one was already underway.  Now that
Seraphim knew what to expect he would be better prepared for the next coming.

    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Macaroni of Evil IV (Part I) ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "So what is it that you want?" asked Manager as he served the visiting Snotman
some scrod caviar with crackers.  Before Snotman could finish answer his question
however, Manager continued, "...And no, I won't help you guys plot against team 2.  I
could never be like the FONZ and destroy the integrity of the TOGS by plotting
against another team!"
     "Don't worry" replied Snotman while rolling his eyes, "This has nothing to do
with TOGS.  It's much more serious.  I think the world is in danger!"
     "So, what do you want me to do about it?" asked Manager, "Shouldn't you go to
someone who could actually do something about it?"
     "I would, but this is something I think we need your help with.  I think the
MACARONI OF EVIL is back."
     "The Macaroni of Evil!" Manager gasped, "But I destroyed it the third time it
came back!"  The Macaroni of Evil was an evil, yet powerful piece of macaroni that
was said to grant its user great powers, but at the same time, it compelled everyone
in the vicinity to commit heinous acts of evil.
     "Well, I have no other explanation for what is happening," said Snotman, "For
example, this morning, one of my FONZ alliance mates tried to kill the rest of us!"
     "Isn't that normal?" asked Manager.
     "It was Hombre!" growled Snotman.
     "That is strange..." replied Manager, "but if he was trying to kill you, how are
you still alive?"
     Snotman temporarily removed the snot from his ankle to revealed a pair of
mismatched socks. "Hombre did this." he said.
     "Mis-matched your socks?" asked Manager, "I don't get it."
     "You see," said Snotman, "Hombre mismatched all the socks of his FONZ alliance
members--then when we went out in public he thought we would we would be totally
embarrassed and just die.  He was furious when Nuln went out for his morning jog.
Everyone saw Nuln's mismatched socks and liked it instead.  He inadvertently created
a new fashion trend.  Hombre was furious--furious that Nuln didn't die of
embarrassment, not that he created a new fashion trend."
     "Well ok," acknowledged Manager, "so Hombre tried to kill you.  That's just one
isolated incident.  That doesn't mean that the Macaroni of Evil is back."
     "See?" said Snotman.  "That's not the only thing.  People are committing
unspeakable acts of evil all around Aradi--even more so than usual.  Let's take a
walk around town and see."
                               ***********************
     It was overcast, but still bright afternoon in Aradi.  The trade winds gently
blew through the trees and the sounds of birds could be heard in the air.  Manager
glanced around the city.  There was no immediate indication that anything was wrong
in the city.
     "It is a lovely day." said Manager.
     "Just be on the lookout," warned Snotman, "something is amiss, I'm sure of it."
     Suddenly Rillion leaped out from behind a bush.  "Revenge!" he screamed as he
wielded a dagger and ran towards Manager.  Manager was prepared to parry the blow
with his Small Shield, but Rillion tripped over his untied shoelace and knocked
himself out on the pavement.
     "Tsk.  Another failed revenge attempt." said Manager as he shook his head.
     "See!" said Snotman, "Rillion just tried to kill you!"
     "That means nothing.  Rillion has been trying to get revenge on me for weeks!"
Manager replied, "This could be another isolated incident."
     "Well how about that over there?" Snotman pointed to a nearby street corner
where TUM was arguing with an old woman.  Without warning, TUM shoved the old woman
in front of a moving carriage and killed her.
     "TUM!" Manager gasped, and then ran towards the old woman.  TUM cackled
maniacally and then fled the scene of the crime.
     "Still think the macaroni isn't back?" asked Snotman.
     "Maybe it was ETUM?" questioned Manager, "Although I didn't see a beard.  Now
help me check to see if this woman is all right."
     "That's a strange looking woman." said Snotman.
     "Wait a minute," sighed Manager, "This isn't an old woman.  This was Seraphim
dressed up as an old woman!"
     "Why would Seraphim dress up as an old woman?" asked Snotman.
     "Who knows?  Crazy hazing ritual?  Punishment from the Delarquan hierarchy for
their horrible turn?  Because all Delarquans are insane?  In either case, it changes
everything!  TUM most assuredly knew that it was Seraphim dressed up as an old woman
and not an old woman at all."
     "It still could be the result of the macaroni." said Snotman.
     "Maybe," conceded Manager, "But that's still inconclusive.  Let's check the
Blind Cyclops Inn."
     The Blind Cyclops Inn was dark.  Manager flipped a switch to turn on the light.
There was Mannequin sitting alone, having a drink in the dark.  Next to him were
about a dozen freshly dead bodies.
     "What happened here?" asked Snotman.
     Mannequin turned around, and started to froth at the mouth...."Maybe there was
an Earthquake which caused the lighting fixtures to fall from the ceiling and kill
them.....or maybe I murdered them all.  Mannequin's eyes started to glaze over as he
began to cackle evilly.
     "...And we are so not going to find out." Manager grabbed Snotman and quickly
rushed out of the tavern.  "Whew!" he said.
     "Did you see that Mannequin killed all those bar patrons?" asked Snotman.
     "It could have been accidental!" Manager exclaimed, "That happens sometimes you
know...."
     "True...." Snotman conceded.
     Suddenly, Indimar and Elephant ran down the street towards Manager and Snotman.
     "Help!" Indimar shrieked, "Our lives our in danger!"
     "What's wrong?" asked Snotman.
     "There's a machete-wielding madman chasing after us!" exclaimed Elephant.
     Manager looked behind them and sure enough, an intimidating figure about 50 feet
in the distance began to close in on Elephant and Indimar.
     "That kind of looks like Rascally Rabbit." said Snotman.
     "I think you're right." Manager sighed, "I can't believe you're afraid of
Rascally Rabbit.  You just need to know how to talk him down.  Watch this."
     Rascally Rabbit continued to charge Indimar and Elephant, who were now cowering
behind Manager and Snotman.  Upon seeing Manager and Snotman, he snarled and drew his
machete back as if he were going to strike.
     "Stop!" said Manager.
     Rascally Rabbit said nothing, but his eyes started to glow an evil red.
     "Think back to your happy place," said Manager in a tranquil voice, "Remember
the time Won Too Many made it to the TC fight?"
     Rascally Rabbit growled and swung his machete.  Manager was able to duck just in
time, but Rabbit's wide arc wound up decapitating Indimar, who was standing behind
him.  Elephant shrieked in horror and ran away.  Rascally Rabbit growled and chased
after him.
     "I can't believe the Won Too Many trick didn't work!" said Manager.
     "Now do you believe the Macaroni of Evil is back?" asked Snotman.
     "Well, maybe." said Manager, "And if it is, not to worry, I have a plan!"

          + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Nightmare on Ed. St. ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                        pt. 1

[last turn]

     It was getting close to "that" time down at the Gladiatorial Commission's HQ,
and Ed. sat at her desk, drumming her fingers impatiently, waiting to hear the
footsteps of the courier down the hallway.  The deadline for the Aradi newsletter was
scant minutes away, and still she hadn't received any stories from Death Stud,
Soultaker and Nuln.
     "Always the FONZ," she thought to herself, a rage beginning to boil in her
veins.  "Maybe sometimes it's Snotman instead of Soultaker, but it's always the *&%$#
FONZ!"
     Her train of thought came to a halt, as she heard the leather sandals of one of
the messenger boys approaching.  Sure enough one walked in with a limp (bad cramp)
through the doorway, his satchel brimming with heavy looking packages.  Ed. reminded
herself not to kill the messenger, and put her dagger back in the drawer.
     "So who've you got there?" she asked, trying to sound positive.  "Death Stud?
Nuln?  Both?"
     "Both." the boy's voice cracked, handing three large envelopes over to Ed.  "And
Soultaker.  Good thing too, this is my last delivery today."
     "Yup, I'm just about outta here, too." said Ed., starting to open the envelopes.
"Thanks, I'll get right to work on these puppies."
     The door slammed shut, and Ed. glanced up at the wall clock.  Five more minutes
'til deadline.  She stared at the contents of the three envelopes.  To her trained
eye, it was 75 pages, around 71 of it Nuln's overblown gothic drivel (something about
an ode to a butterfly or some such nonsense).
     "Piece of cake." she thought to herself, and smiled.  Then she also thought of a
piece of cake, and smiled again.
     Without so much as a tear shed, Ed. picked out one page from each author's
submission, and swept the other 72 pages into the bucket on the right side of her
desk.  Rolling the three plucked pages into a tube, she shoved it in the air-vacuum-
seal-thingy-ma-bob that was behind her, and it was instantly sent downstairs to the
printing press.  Job done.

[this turn]

     Ed. sat at her desk.  She was throwing darts at the FONZ group poster on the
wall.  The dull, repetitive <whooo-TOCK> sound had a calming effect on her.  This
turn Nuln and Soultaker had actually turned in theirs early (of course Nuln's 200
page thesis on quantum scrodology had been condensed down to 31 lines), so she was
adding holes to Snotman's and Death Stud's faces this time instead, and with
frightening precision.  [Ed. kept a bucket of darts at her side, as she hated getting
up every five darts to retrieve her stash.]
     Again, minutes 'til deadline drew near.  Again, the soft flap of sandals in the
hallway.  After a brief exchange, and two envelopes from Snotman and Death Stud lay
on her desk.
     Usually Ed. would tear open the envelopes, remove the contents and toss the
empty envelope.  This time she turned it over for some reason, and read the from
address.

     5 Ed. St.
     Aradi G7D
     Alastari

     "Curious," Ed. conveniently thought aloud, "No name.  And Ed. St.?  I've never
heard of that street in Aradi.  Did they name a street after me and not tell me?"
     Ed. reminded herself to ask the courier next time about the address, then
emptied the contents on her desk.  Grabbing two sheets of paper, she slid them in a
tube, shoved it in the air-vacuum-seal-thingy-ma-bob, and went home.

[next turn]

     Psych!  You'll have to wait....tbc

        + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ THE WORST SPOTLIGHT EVER ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     And I do mean ever, as in the history of ever.  I still have a couple of days
before I technically have to send this in, but I'm all out of ideas and I have
absolutely nothing to write about.  Many managers during the course of each TOGS
write about how they have nothing to write about, so I guess this is my gimme.  I
mean I can't chump out like Hombre did and just not write anything.  By the way
Hombre, if we miss placing by 5 or less points you're in trouble.  Besides, we're now
in the multiplier rounds, so I'd be losing 7.5 points if I didn't write anything.
Not gonna happen!
     I guess I could talk about my warriors, the only problem is, they all suck.
Come to think of it, Hombre's team kinda sucks too.  No offense Hombre.  We've made
it this far with me having a sucky team and Hombre basically only having four
warriors.  Notice how I spelled out the word four instead of just putting 4 to get
the extra characters to meet the length requirement for this spotlight?  Pretty cool,
huh?  Hey, this is kinda fun!  While I'm on the subject of our warriors sucking, I
think there should be a 'Doing The Most With The Least' award.  Hombre and I would
definitely win that award hands down.  In fact, you all should be ashamed of
yourselves.  Speaking of awards, where's our awards for most points on turn 1 Death
Stud?  Just a friendly reminder....  So back to us sucking.  The bottom line is that
we suck and you guys suck more for allowing us to hang around and steal this thing at
the end.  Just kidding, Death Stud told me to say that at our last conspiracy
meeting.  Really he did!  You guys should challenge him or something to make him pay.
     Since my warriors suck so bad, I guess I might as well talk about how everybody
else is doing this TOGS.  Death Stud and Soultaker are of course doing very well just
as everyone expected.  Just the other day Death Stud was talking about the
inferiority of the competition this TOGS and how this was a cake walk for him and
Soultaker.  I guess he was right, they're in first place.  Samwise and Mannequin have
dominated almost the entire contest but have recently begun to slide.  Could this be
the end for them or will they get some nuts for their nut sacks and drive the Studly
One back into his little hole?  Nuln and Snotman have stayed under the radar a little
bit up 'til this point but they continue to post decent numbers every week.  With
Death Stud, Soultaker, Samwise, and Mannequin out there, who has time to worry about
Nuln and Snotman?  Nobody?  And therein lies the problem.  Next we have myself and
Hombre, but I've already told you, we suck.  Normally I would be very worried about
the next team of Elephant and Sir Indimar but I've recently found out that they are
very flaky and you can't rely on them for anything.  Actually, I'm not being fair.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with Sir Indimar.  He's a stand up guy and if it
wasn't for his partner, this team would have a shot at winning this TOGS.  Elephant
is a different story though.  This guy is flaky enough for the both of 'em.  You
can't count on Elephant for anything.  In fact, I'd be surprised if he even sends in
a spotlight this turn, or writes personal ads, or even fights this turn for that
matter!  Whatever you do, don't challenge Atlas Park because Elephant and his
warriors probably didn't bother to show up at the arena even though he said they'd be
there.  The Creepster and Manager are next and they have begun to make their move in
more ways than one.  The Creepster pretty much just consistently wins and gets points
but Manager is of a different breed.  Manager does well on points and all but he also
fancies himself as a master manipulator.  I guess in many cases he is or has been a
master manipulator but I think this team's undoing will be Manager's lack of respect
for other managers actually having brains and seeing through his manipulations.  I
could be wrong, we'll see how this works out for him.  Next up we have Street Legal
and Ghoti.  These guys have no shot of winning because they are not FONZ.  At least
that's what I heard Manager say recently.  And who am I to argue with Manager; that
guy's predictions are scary sometimes!  I'll just go with what he said.  And who best
to end my lame spotlight on but Rascally Rabbit and Rillion.  I love Rillion but his
path to the top is clouded with anger issues.  Rascally Rabbit has definitely not
been helping their cause and has been kinda silent lately.  Actually Rascally, I was
hoping you would talk a little smack so I'd have something to write a spotlight about
instead of this boring drivel.  I'm guessing Rascally has been quiet because Sonnett
is his only warrior worth talking about and he doesn't want to give too much away,
but Rillion recently mentioned other issues that might be the real reason Rascally
hasn't been participating fully.  Well, sorry I couldn't write more but my thirty-one
lines are up and I'm done.  Peace out homies!

-- Ganolus Oakleaf, Silent Warriors

                + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Wing Hove ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                          Barnabas the Buccaneer:  Part VI

     Indimar and his cohorts made their way out of the forest and into the compound
surrounding the dock where Barnabas moored his ship.  They found themselves in a
large square of hard packed earth closed in on three sides by buildings with the
fourth side being open to the dock.  There was a path that looked large enough to
accommodate a good size cart leaving the square at one corner between two of the
buildings.  A quick examination of the square revealed nothing but a few empty
barrels and boxes.
     "Maybe if you told us what we are looking for we would know how to find it,"
said Pauly.
     "I'm not sure," admitted Indimar.  "I guess I just want to figure out what
Barnabas is up to.  Now where did Elephant get off to?  Darn him, I wanted us to
stick together."
     "Here I am," called Elephant from the doorway of the long low building behind
them.  "Don't go getting your nut sack in a bunch.  I just wanted to take a look
around.  Nothing in here but a lot of beds and a kitchen."
     "Must be the quarters for his crew," said Indimar as he walked over and took a
look inside.  "It's a lot tidier than I would have expected for a bunch of pirates."
     Not wanting to be left out Pauly squeezed past Indimar and stepped into the bunk
house.
     "You aren't kidding," he said with a laugh as he surveyed the rows of neatly
made beds.  "They even have designer window treatments like Dilen sells in her
store."
     They made their way to the next building which turned out to be a shop with
woodworking tools at one end and a smithy at the other.  A doorway in the middle led
to an armory.  Although it was empty except for a cutlass or two and a few daggers,
it was obvious that it usually housed many more weapons.  A rack on one wall,
protected by a heavy iron grate, held a lone heavy crossbow, but there were hooks for
a half dozen more.
     "I don't know what kind of fire power his ship carries but it looks like his
crew is armed to the teeth," stated Elephant flatly.
     "I always knew Barnabas was kind of an outlaw," replied Pauly.  "But I never
expected him to go this far."
     "I hear you, son," said Indimar.  "I have been hoping there was some other
explanation, but it looks like he really is a pirate.  What other reason could they
have for going so heavily armed?"
     The remaining building was by far the largest of the three.  There were no
windows and only one entrance, a pair of heavy timber doors protected by a stout iron
lock.
     "I'll go get something from the blacksmith shop to force the lock," said Pauly.
     As he turned to leave Elephant reached up and grabbed his elbow to stop him.  As
Pauly and Indimar looked on he stepped up to the door and examined the lock.  After a
few minutes he pulled a pair of thin steel rods from a slit in his belt.  He slid
them into the lock and fiddled around for just a few seconds and then the lock fell
open.  He turned back to his companions with a large grin and pulled open the door.
His grin vanished almost instantly as a wave of noxious odor swept out of the doorway
and washed over them.
     "It smells like a barnyard," wheezed Indimar as he pulled out a handkerchief an
tied it over his nose and mouth.  "You guys wait out here, I'll check it out."
     Indimar stepped through the door and into the dark interior of the warehouse.
After waiting a few seconds for his eyes to adjust he moved farther into the
building.  It was one large room about fifty by fifty.  At first glance Indimar
thought it was empty but as started to turn back to the door he realized he was
wrong, in one corner there were three large barrels and in another corner a stack of
perhaps a dozen smaller ones, about the size of a gunpowder keg.  Although the smell
was about to make him puke, Indimar hurried to the larger barrels and popped the lid
of one.  He backed away as he was greeted by a fresh wave of stink.  Turning his
attention to the kegs he paused just long enough to read some writing on them before
he turned and ran out the door where he emptied his stomach on Elephant's boots.
     "Real nice," groaned Elephant as he took a few stomping steps to remove the
remnants of Indimar's pancake breakfast from his feet.
     "What did you find in there?" asked Pauly as he checked his nut sack to make
sure nothing had splashed on it.  He was pretty sure Jekyll would charge extra to get
out pancake puke.
     "Cow manure," Indimar replied with a touch of wonder in his voice.  "Three
barrels of it, and a dozen kegs marked bat guano.  I could tell by the marks on the
floor that it had been filled with barrels in the recent past."
     Elephant shook his head.  "I don't get it.  Why would he have a warehouse full
of cow manure?  Is he crazy?"
     Indimar paced back and forth for several minutes before turning back to the
others with a triumphant grin on his face.
     "Crazy like a fox," he said.  "Think about it.  With Nuln's livestock ban there
is no fertilizer for the farmers to use on their crops.  Barnabas was raised in farm
country so it's not surprising that he would recognize the need.  Then he goes out
and hijacks a shipload of manure or two and he can make a killing selling it to local
farmers."
     "So you're saying...." began Pauly.
     "That's right, son.  Barnabas is a poo pirate."

   More to come next turn.

 + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Indimar Fallon=IF or IF=Indimar Fallon ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                    by Altas Park

     My partner Indimar Fallon has signed his name IF from time to time.  So here's a
tribute to Mr. IF himself.

IF CYBERPUNK DIDN'T HAVE TO CARRY INDIMAR EVERY TURN, HE'D STILL BE MANAGING ALTAS
PARK.
IF THE FONZ IS COLLUDING, SOMEONE SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT INSTEAD OF TALKING.
IF INDIMAR HAD STAYED AWAY FROM OWSLEY STANLEY, GUIDO WOULD STILL BE HERE TODAY.
IF YOU EVER WANT TO KNOW ABOUT LEG WARMERS, ASK HOMBRE.
IF YOU EVER WANT TO KNOW ABOUT LEG WARMERS AS SLEEVES, ASK INDIMAR.
IF I MAKE RILLION'S MOST WANTED LIST, MY TOGS WILL BE COMPLETE.
IF DILEN PLAYS IN TOGS NEXT TIME, WILL SHE PARNTER WITH GANOLUS OR PAULY?
IF THIS WAS HAPPY DAYS, I'D BE RALPH AND INDIMAR WOULD BE PINKY TUSCADERO.
IF MY TYPING IN ALL CAPS IS BOTHERING YOU, THEN IT'S WORKING.
IF MANAGER WAS EVER WRONG, I'D BE SURPRISED.
IF DEATH STUD WAS TALLER THAN CYBERPUNK, HE'D BE 5'6".
IF PAULY BLEW OUT BUBBLES, THAT WOULD BE A GREAT STORY.
IF INDIMAR NEVER NEEDS A WARRIOR NAME, HE TURNS TO HIS FANTASY ROMANCE NOVELS.
IF YOU EVER FLAKE ON YOUR SPOT, DO WHAT I'M DOING NOW, WING IT.
IF BARNABAS WASN'T A PIRATE, WOULD BE HE A BUCCANEER?
IF YOU ARE STILL READING THIS, YOU DON'T HAVE A LIFE.
IF TINY TIM HADN'T KILLED KARMA, I'D STILL REALLY INTO TOGS AND NOT WRITE A LAME
SPOT LIKE THIS.
IF I COULD BLOODFUED TINY TIM I'D LOSE.
IF A SACK THAT HOLDS NUTS IS A NUT SACK, IS A SACK THAT HOLDS BALLS A BALZAC?
IF GANOLUS EVER DRINKS BRASS MONKEY AGAIN, THAT WOULD BE NEWS WORTHY.
IF ELEPHANT EVER BRINGS BRASS MONKEY TO A PARTY, THAT WOULD BE EXPECTED.
IF HOMBRE WASN'T HOMBRE, WOULD HE BE NUSCHLER?
IF YOU EVER WANT TO KNOW ABOUT BOTTLE CAPS, ASK KEVO.
IF INDIMAR BAILS ON ME NEXT TOGS FOR PAULY, THERE WILL BE HECK TO PAY IN THE SPOTS.
IF YOU GAVE SAMWISE THE BALD A BOTTLE OF ROGAINE, WOULD HE CHANGE HIS NAME TO SAMWISE
THE HAIR?
IF SNOTMAN WOULD STOP WINNING BLUE BONNETS, I MIGHT HAVE A CHANCE.  ON FURTHER
REVIEW, NO I WOULDN'T; MY SPOTS SUCK.
IF YOU ARE STILL READING THIS YOU MUST BE GANOLUS, CHECK TO SEE IF I WROTE EVEN LINES
FOR THE POINTS.
IF INDIMAR EVER STEALS MY DOG AGAIN, MY WIFE WILL BE HAPPY.
IF LADY ELYSIAN/A-SOP TAKE A RIDE ON THE ELEPHANT EXPRESS, THEY WILL GET THEIR
MONEY'S WORTH.
IF YOU MISS THE TRIANGLE ON THE ENVELOPES, WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON.
IF INDIMAR WOULD START WINNING, WE MIGHT STAY IN THE TOP 5.
IF SOULTAKER NEVER HEARS ANOTHER "CARRYING" JOKE, IT WON'T BE SOON ENOUGH.
WAIT, SOULTAKER IS HARD OF HEARING.
IF THE ARADI PRESS STILL WANTS A STORY WITH ONE HOT BABE, I'LL SET IT UP.
IF INDIMAR WASN'T MY PARNTER, I'D HAVE NO ONE TO PICK ON.
IF I WAS SMART, I'D FIND A NEW HOBBY.
IF HOMBRE EVER TRIES TO TALK YOU INTO PLAYING A MMORPG, DON'T DO IT.  HE'LL BAIL ON
YOU.
IF YOU THINK THIS SPOT IS NEARING THE END, YOU'D BE CORRECT.
IF INDIMAR FALLON EVER OFFERS YOU A BLANKET OR SWEATER, JUST SAY NO!
IF FARMER BOB SPELLED HIS FIRST NAME BACKWARDS, WOULD IT STILL BE BOB?
IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO BE UP FOR WORK AT 4AM, I'D TORTURE YOU WITH MANY MORE IF's.
IF THIS DOESN'T MEET THE STANDARDS OR LENGTH FOR A SPOT, I'LL WILL TELL SOMEONE TO GO
"if" THEMSELVES.
IF YOU FOUND A SPELLING ERROR OR TYPO OR PROBLEMS WITH MY SPOT, I'M TOO TIRED TO
CARE.
IF THIS ALL MAKES SENSE YOU, YOU ARE MORE DISTRUBED THAN ME.
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE POINT TO THIS SPOT LET ME KNOW, I'LL EMAIL IT TO YOU.

Until next time, same Cyber time, same Cyber channel.  Yes Indimar, I did say Cyber.
Next week's spot -- The Return of Cyberpunk???

           + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Bugs, Slugs & Thugs ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

I apologize, things got crazy here.  I'll finish the auction story next cycle.  My
apologies to anyone who recognizes the basic original story, if it offends.

                        Lady E's New Secret Beauty Treatment

     Lady A came down from the Purple Hills in the golden light of the early morning.
Over her shoulders was slung a bag--a great big bag--and in the bag were all of Lady
A's warriors, the Bugs, Slugs & Thugs.
     Lady A came down from the Purple Hills to the Green Meadows, and as she walked
she crooned a song:
         Turns upon the desk do wait--
           I must hurry, hurry on!
         Printers are idle if I am late--
           I must hurry, hurry on!
     When she reached the Green Meadows, Lady A opened her bag, turned it upside down
and shook it.  Out tumbled all the Bugs, Slugs & Thugs and began to spin round and
round for very joy, for you see they were to play in the Green Meadows all day long
until Lady A should come back at night and take them all to their home behind the
Purple Hills.
     First they raced over to see Death Stud.  They found Death Stud sitting just
outside his door eating his breakfast.  One, for very mischief, snatched right out of
Death Stud's mouth the green leaf of corn he was eating, and ran away with it.
Another playfully pulled his whiskers, while a third rumpled up his hair.
     Death Stud pretended to be very cross indeed, but really he didn't mind a bit,
for Death Stud loved the Bugs, Slugs & Thugs and played with them every day.
     And if they teased Death Stud they were good to him, too.  When they saw Farmer
boB coming across the Green Meadows with a gun, one of them would dance over to Death
Stud and whisper to him that Farmer boB was coming, and then Death Stud would hide
away, deep down in his snug little underground headquarters, and Farmer boB would
wonder and wonder why it was that he never, never could get near enough to shoot
Death Stud.  But he never, never could.
     When the Bugs, Slugs & Thugs left Death Stud, they raced across the Green
Meadows to the Smiling Pool to say good morning to Crazy Creepster, who sat on a big
lily pad watching for green flies for breakfast.
     "Chug-arum," said Crazy Creepster, which was his way of saying good morning.
     Just then along came a fat green fly and up jumped Crazy Creepster.  When he sat
down again on the lily pad the fat green fly was nowhere to be seen, but Crazy
Creepster looked very well satisfied indeed as he contentedly rubbed his white
waistcoat with one hand.
     "What is the news, Crazy Creepster?" cried the Bugs, Slugs & Thugs.
     "Lady E has a new beauty secret treatment in her spa in Aradi where the sea-
grass grows," said Crazy Creepster (in translation for narrative purposes).
     "We must see it," cried the Bugs, Slugs & Thugs, and away they all ran to Aradi
where the sea-grasses grow.
     Now someone else had heard of Lady E's little spa in the sea-grasses, and he had
started out bright and early that morning to try to find it, for he wanted to steal
the secrets of the beauty treatment just because he wanted to look pretty.  It was
Hombre, Ganolus Oakleaf's boon companion.
     When the Bugs, Slugs & Thugs reached Aradi where the sea-grasses grow they found
poor Lady E in great distress.  She was afraid that Hombre would discover her new
secret beauty treatment, for he was very, very near it, and his eyes were very, very
sharp.
     "Oh," cried the Bugs, Slugs & Thugs, "we must help Lady E save her new secret
beauty treatment from bad Hombre!"
     So one of the Bugs, Slugs & Thugs whisked Hombre's new L'il Leggie (tm) hat off
his head over into the Green Meadows.  Of course Tommy ran after it.  Just as he
stooped to pick it up another little Bug, Slug (or Thug) ran away with it.  Then they
took turns, first one little Bug, then another little Slug running away with the new
L'il Leggie (tm) hat just as Hombre would almost get his hands on it.  Down past the
Smiling Pool and across the Laughing Brook they raced and chased the old straw hat,
Hombre running after it, very cross, very red in the face, and breathing very hard.
Way across the Green Meadows they ran to the edge of the wood, where they hung the
hat in the middle of a thorn tree.  By the time Hombre had it once more on his head
he had forgotten all about Lady E and her new secret beauty treatment.  Besides, he
heard the breakfast bell just then, so off he started for home up the Lone Little
Path through the wood.
     And all the Bugs, Slugs & Thugs danced away across the Green Meadows to Aradi
where the sea-grasses grow to see the new secret beauty treatment in the spa where
Lady E was singing for joy.  And while she sang the Bugs, Slugs & Thugs danced among
the sea-grasses, for they knew, and Lady E knew, that someday out of that new secret
beauty treatment would come a whole new line of products to market to the
unsuspecting public.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
             Demons of Darkness #10 -- Woe is Me:  A Fine Year for Whine
                                     by Rillion

     Rillion grabbed another of bottle of wine off the wine rack.  With the
determination of someone intent on drinking to forget his sorrows he uncorked the
bottle and refilled his wine glass.  This had to be one of the worst weeks in one of
the worst months in what was ironically one of the best years.  Just then there was a
knock on the door, "HAL here, just letting you know I got your message!"  Earlier in
the month is had become apparent that Rascally Rabbit was going to be lax in his TOGS
duties.  Rascally Rabbit was perhaps having an even worse time of it then Rillion but
while misery loves company, Rascally Rabbit had been absent from Aradi so was not
even providing company.  Team Eight was slowly sliding in the standings with the
missing points from spots and ads making a difference of at least three if not four
places in the standings.  And with TOGS going down the tubes, Rillion couldn't even
find solace outside of Aradi.  Again there was a knock on the door, "HAL here, just
letting you know I got your message!"  Even now he could barely concentrate on
getting his drink on with all the yelling coming from the street outside.  It seemed
what had been a cordial discussion about another contest had devolved into a giant
shouting match.  When Rillion had offered to help one side by being the scorekeeper
for their contest, which he had done in the past, one of the managers called him a
name and sent a donkey flying his way.  There was a knock on the door, "HAL here,
just letting you know I got your message!"
     Tired of scene outside Rillion had retreated back inside.  Unfortunately he had
been outside just long enough to notice another problem with his carriage.  Two weeks
ago while he was out of town traveling, someone had bumped into and dented his
carriage.  There was a knock on the door, "HAL here, just letting you know I got your
message!"
     After being in the shop for a week and a half getting fixed, Rillion had picked
up his carriage yesterday and brought it back home.  That very night someone had
broken a window and damaged a door so now he was going to have to bring it back to
the shop to get fixed. There was a knock on the door, "HAL here, just letting you
know I got your message!"  The wine starting to go to his head Rillion finally got up
and went to the door.  He jerked open the door to see HAL running around the streets
going to everyone's door multiple times telling them he had gotten the same message
over and over again.  As HAL rushed over to deliver his message yet again, Rillion
grabbed the wine bottle and smashed it over HAL's head.  The golem crashed to the
ground in a heap.  Rillion smiled to himself for the first time in a couple weeks and
thought, "Perhaps this wine is working and making me feel better!  Now if I could
just find a way to actually score some points this turn in TOGS it might not be a bad
month after all."

        + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Ogres Want In -- By Ghoti ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Ghoti sat in the market area of the Ogre encampment for about an hour before the
first Ogre walked up to him and stared at the sign.  He was huge, going easily 7 foot
tall and pushing 500 stone.  Ugly as they come as well.  One of his hands could
easily surround Ghoti's entire head with room to spare.  Each hand was also missing
the pinky finger, something Ghoti thought strange.
     The Ogre asked "Can anyone be a gladiator for you?"
     Ghoti replied,  Well, no, you need to be of the right mind for the kind of style
you think you want to perfect.  Keep in mind it is a painful profession too."
     "Oh, it can't be too much painful." said the Ogre.
     "What kind of things are you good at?" asked Ghoti of the Ogre.
     "Well I am very good at hammering in fence post with bare fist." beamed the
Ogre.  "I can lift and throw really big rock too!  I show you!"  With that the Ogre
reached down and grabbed Ghoti by his left ankle and began to twirl him around his
head like he was about to flip a sling bullet.
     Ghoti began yelling "NOOOOOOOOOOO!  I JUST ATE!!" then he suddenly disappeared
as the Ogre Flipped his wrist like letting go with the sling.  The Ogre looked off to
where Ghoti was supposed to be heading with a smile when he noticed nothing headed in
the right direction.  He then put a concerned look on his face and began looking
around mumbling, "Gosh I must have dropped him somehow." when suddenly he noticed
Ghoti sitting right where he picked him up at.  Luckily for Ghoti he had his
teleportation device handy and had placed himself back in his chair just before
disaster struck.
     "There you are!" exclaimed the surprised Ogre.
     Ghoti straitened out his pant leg from where the Ogre had grabbed him and
proceeded to do breath exercises to settle his stomach.
     Ghoti mused, thinking to himself, "Might make a mighty hefty basher, but none
too smart."
     "What is your name?" Ghoti asked.
     "Figwold Bnegrtowki!" said the Ogre, standing proudly.
     "Mind if I call you Figgy?" Ghoti inquired.
     "My Mom call me Woldo but I like you call me Figgy." Said Figgy.
     "What do you do for work, Figgy." inquired Ghoti.
     "I am pick-pocket, but not very good one." stated Figgy matter of factly.  "But
when you got caught they cut off one of your finger for stealing.  I got caught both
times.  I really a fisherman for the village but I hafta tell everyone I am pick-
pocket cause I get caught two times.  I not a very good fisherman either."
     "Well Figgy, how about I take you back with me and we will test you.  There are
no guarantees you will make the team though." said Ghoti.
     With that, Figgy threw up his arms and proceeded to try to hug Ghoti, who was
now running in circles for his life trying not to get crushed by this behemoth.
Eventually Figgy ran off yelling, "I GOING TO ARADI!  I GOING TO ARADI!"
     The effect of this was very odd.  Several Ogres who had previously passed by
shaking their heads became very interested in talking with Ghoti.
     "What do you do for a living." Ghoti asked one of the inquiring.
     "I FISH!" she said proudly.  "I stand in river, I wait, sometimes I wait some
more.  Fish swims by and I stay still, then SNATCH it out of water with hands.  I can
go catch you snack if you want?" she said at last.
     Ghoti thought, "Hmmmm...lanky, fast, patient.  A bit thin but maybe something
besides fish will help her.  Looks like an AB or maybe a ripper."  Ghoti, finally
speaking out loud said, "Okay, you can come and test too."
     Eventually Ghoti got about fifteen interviews.  There were striker types,
lungers, a slasher too.  He ended up asking six to come back and test.  After
everyone went and said their good byes, some possibly for the last time, the group
gathered near the river and Ghoti teleported them back to Aradi.  Hopefully there
might be something good to replace Smirlin.

   + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Samwise the Bald / Childhood Trauma ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                               The Main Event, Part 2

     The Main Event began amidst screams of excitement from the crowd.  The wrestlers
began to make their way about the ring, adjusting to the effects the water and scrod
were having on their movements.  Some of the wrestlers appeared quite comfortable
navigating the waters.  Others seemed ill at ease, or even afraid of the scrod.  A
Battle Royal is often a confusing melee:  bodies flying, faces smashed, and a true
sight to behold.  Oftentimes, they begin with a bang.  Perhaps it's because most of
the wrestlers at the Alastari Wrestling Federation event were managers moonlighting
as wrestlers, but this particular Battle Royal began with what might best be
described as a whimper.
     Most of the wrestlers paired off in groups of two or three.  They appeared to be
discussing strategy options.  What would be the best plan of attack in such a
situation?  What should I do if I become desperate?  How do I pace myself to be the
last man standing?  On this last issue, most of the managers consulted Ted Manabiase
and Wayne the Insane.  Both were known to be so adept at boring their opponents into
submission that the Russians had consulted them about fighting a war of attrition
during World War II.  Manabiase was also consulted by many on how to best organize a
secret attack and how best to hit an opponent when their back was turned.
     Restless, the crowd began to boo and hiss at the wrestlers.  What was this?  It
was supposed to be a match to decide the successor to the title once held by the
great Hulking the Bald.  Not some sort of convention in which a bunch of grown men
with little fashion sense gathered to discuss strategy!
     The first wrestler to take any sort of action was Cement Head.  He appeared to
be trying to organize some of the wrestlers.  He beckoned Wayne the Insane, Ted
Manbiase, Homo Erectus, ABC, Death Dummy, I Stubbed my Toe to Death, the Fat Bald
Guy, and the Crotchety, Cranky Old Man to a corner.  Gesturing as he spoke, it looked
as if he was trying to organize an attack of some sort.  Who the target of his
machinations might be was the subject of much debate in the stands.  Was it the Nut
Sack & Legging Express?  The Revolting Blob?  Gangrene Willowbranch?  Odds were
decided and bets were made.
     The wrestlers began a discussion about the best manner in which to proceed with
said attack.  Each offered an opinion.  They were nearing a consensus when it became
apparent that Cement Head didn't like the way the conversation was going.  He became
extremely animated.  He began to pout and raise his voice.  Snatches of his screaming
could be heard in the crowd.
     "But, it was my idea!"
     "Who cares if I asked for your opinion!"
     "I don't care if that's what the majority wants!"
     Cement Head's movements became increasingly more erratic and his face contorted
as veins bulged out of his neck, his eyes bugged, and spittle flew from his mouth as
he screamed.  Eventually, the crowd could tell the wrestlers that Cement Head had
been speaking to were losing their interest and patience with him.  Cement Head lost
it.  He threw himself into the water and began to thrash his head from side to side.
His arms flew up and down.  He kicked his legs.  Unable to believe that a grown man
was throwing a temper tantrum, the Crotchety, Cranky Old Man and the Fat Bad Guy
grabbed him and heaved him from the ring.  He landed with a loud crack, his neck
obviously snapped.
     Mean Gene Oakleaf commented, "Well, that baby's been pacified.  Now, we're down
to 19 wrestlers for the title!"

To be continued...

               + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Bizzle ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Hombre, Ganolus and Hombre's new recruit all rode together in the wagon towards
Aradi.  "So what's with big red thing down by your...well you know, down there?!"
asked the Druid.
     "What red thing?" answered Nigel, questioningly.  "The red thing right th..."
Ganolus could not finish his sentence as he looked in the lap of the huge recruit.
"What happened to the red thing that was there?"
     "Oh you mean the stapler?  Didn't you see that God-like being swoop down before
we got into the wagon and take it?" Nigel asked.
     "What did this being look like, Nigel?"
     The large warrior responded to his new manager's friend:  "Large white robes,
flowing hair holding a scepter that said 'white-out' on it."
     Hombre whirled around, "Editorious was here?  Wow, I thought I would feel
honored, and I somehow feel cheated."  Hombre was so concerned with Editorious
showing up that he stopped watching the road and veered off to strike a large rock,
which promptly sent Ganolus flying off on the ground with a large thud.
     "Hey you stupid son of a [dummy head]..." yelled Ganolus.  "Why don't you watch
where you're going"
     "Whoa, you looked like a guy from a karate movie, your mouth didn't say dummy
head, but that's what came out?  It looked more like you said son of a [dummy head]."
snapped back Hombre.
     Ganolus laughed at his friend for saying dummy head.  "Oh my [religious figure]
you looked like such a jack [poopy face]"
     "Dude, when did you become such a [nergle-heimer] why don't you just cuss like a
man?"
     "Oh I'll show you man-cussing you [flurgin Bee-Bonnet]!!!  Once I climb back
onto that wagon I'm gonna [hug you ever so gently]." threatened Ganolus.
     "I'd like to see you try it, you couldn't [hug me ever so gently] because if you
even tried it, I would have to grab my sword and shove it straight up your [lovely
swaying daffodil]!" shouted Hombre, peacefully though, and with love....
     "Stop it!!!" yelled Nigel.
     "What?!" yelled Hombre. "Don't make me pull this wagon over, I will reach back
there and [run with you, hand-in-hand through fields of tulips and candy-canes with
sweet little fairies that gently kiss your nose and leave fairy dust on them!!!]"
Hombre said, shaking his fist.
     "Maybe Nigel's right Hombre...maybe we should just forget about this and get
going to Aradi.  We have to enter Nigel officially." Ganolus reasoned.
     "Yeah, you're right my old friend.  Come on up here and we'll get going."
Hombre yanked on the reins and the horses started moving again.  The ride became much
more bumpy than before though.  "Aw [doo-doo]," cursed Hombre.  "The [gosh-darn]
wheel is broken."
     "Aw [Heck!]" Ganolus said with a fist pump.  "No, not even [Heck].  I'm so
[dissatisfied]....  [H...E...Double hockey stick!]"  Ganolus yelled, his fist pumping
even harder.
     "Dude...THAT was uncalled for.  Watch your mouth." pleaded Hombre.  Nigel
started to cry.

(I hope no one was offended during this spot)

-- Hombre

				+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
				----- ----- ----- Soultaker ----- ----- -----

     Soultaker waited patiently for the arrival of his best friend and premier
collusion expert.  Even after the disappointing evening at the crazy house, Soultaker
was sure they would gain tremendous insight if they could observe Manager.  He had
spent most of last three days arranging for a present for the mighty midget.
Soultaker walked over to the table and lifted the elegant wooden display box.  Moving
the box from hand to hand testing the weight, Soultaker smiled with satisfaction that
Stud would be pleased.  His concentration was broken by the bellowing squeak marking
the arrival of the count of collusion, Sir Death Stud.  Soultaker quickly set the box
back on the table and turned to greet lord of tiny lies.
     "Ok, I'm ready," Stud announced as he sort of twirled around showing off his new
stalking outfit.  "What do you think?"
     Soultaker stifled back a chuckle as he inspected the night stalker.  Stud had
found some skin tight black leather britches and shirt probably purchased from
Hilda's doll and accessories shop.  He had taken a black silk handkerchief and
wrapped it on his head like a cheap barroom pirate or a fortune telling gypsy.  Not
only did it cover his head but also where he tied the knot there was so much extra
material that it draped down his back to his butt.  Tears started to well up in
Soultaker's eyes as he strained to hold back the laughter.  Stud had forsaken his
boots for a pair of black satin slippers (Soultaker was now sure Stud had visited
Hilda's).  Soultaker was somewhat disappointed when he noticed Stud not wearing his
sword belt.  Stud had replaced his belt with a crimson red sash and topped off his
look with a long flowing black cape that trailed behind him.  "I am not sure what to
say, my friend.  What is with the all black and why in the heck aren't you wearing
your boots?"
     "I figured if we were going to do all that sneaking around and climbing crap, I
would wear the appropriate apparel," Stud proceeded to quickly climb up onto one of
the chairs and then whipped the cape around himself and crouched down.  "See what I
mean.  No one is going to see me tonight," Stud proudly exclaimed in a muffled voice.
Of course Stud did not realize that when he crouched down the cape stuck up behind
him about seven inches above his head.  Soultaker then understood where Stud was
carrying his great shortsword.
     "Wow, I am very impressed.  It is a shame you went to all this trouble because
you aren't going to need it tonight," Soultaker tried to ease his friend down.
     "I thought we were going to sneak up to Manager's palace." Stud questioned.
     Soultaker could tell by Stud's tone that the thought of his entire preparation
going to waste was killing him.  Stud's lower lip was already drooping and starting
to quiver.  "No we are still going over there, but I saw Manager heading out earlier.
He was all dressed out in his "let's instigate an uprising" costume.  I saw him head
into the inn.  I waited for a few minutes and noticed quite a few managers also go in
there.  Manager will be there most of the night.  You know how he loves to hear
himself talk.  He really thinks he is going to convert all of them to his way of
thinking but alas they are mostly there for the free drinks Manager buys.  We will be
able to go over to his place without having to sneak around."
     Stud hopped down of the chair.  "Oooffff," Stud exhaled as his tiny feet hit the
ground.  "Well don't I feel silly going and getting all dressed up for nothing," Stud
sighed.
     Soultaker walked back over to the table and picked up the presentation box.  He
turned and held it out to his best friend and trusted (wait scratch that trusted
part) TOGS partner.  "I hope you like it."
     Stud flopped to the floor and ran his pudgy little fingers across the box and
then flipped it open.  "Ooooohhhhh," a startled gasp escaped the wide-eyed mini
manager.  Stud's tear filled eyes turned on Soultaker.
     Without a word being spoken Soultaker knew Stud was waiting to some sort of ok
to take out his present.  "It has a name.  I can not pronounce the dialect but it
translates to GREYSKULL."
     Stud grasped the contents and yanked it out.  Stud sat there holding his new
weapon out in front of him.  The scabbard and belt were tooled leather and inlaid
with silver.  Out of the scabbard was an extended pommel wrapped in some sort of
scaly covering and the top was silver dragonhead.  Stud pulled out the blade and
almost wet his pants when the light shone off the polished engraved blade.  "It's
beautiful.  Finally a weapon worthy of me," Stud exclaimed as he worked himself to
his feet.
     "It is a true dragon killer of ancient times.  According to legend, GREYSKULL is
embued with the power of the gods when used against dragons.  Did you notice the
dragonhead and the baby dragon scales on the pommel?  The ancient markings on the
blade translate to "by the power".  I figured that a man of your stature can not go
around dragging that piece of trash weapon you have," Soultaker explained to the
mesmerized Death Stud.
     "A dragon killer huh.  Yeah I can see that now," Stud mumbled as he ripped the
cape off and took off his old great shortsword letting them drop.  Snatching off the
red sash and throwing it to the ground, Stud stuck out his chest and strapped the
elegant belt and scabbard.  Stud then grasped the pommel with both tiny but sure
hands and went about whipping the weapon in and out of the sheath all the while
making like he was cutting a dragon to ribbons.
     Soultaker watched with happiness as his friend cut and slashed up at least a
hundred dragons.  It was during one of these practice kills that Stud raised his
dragon killer over his head with both hands and cried out "by the power of
GREYSKULL."  There was a huge boom and the whole house shook.
     "Oh my god, did you hear and feel that.  It still has the power," Stud screamed
as he jumped up and down.
     "Relax Stud, that was just Small Intestine slamming Vas Deferens to the floor
upstairs," Soultaker chuckled.

	   + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Maltese Nut sack pt 3 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     The scene opens in a small apartment, one bare bulb illuminating the figure of
Wayne King the goat.  He is clad in trench coat and in his hand he is holding a pair
of jewel encrusted nuts.  On the floor are three corpses, one, a small weaselly man
know as Death Stud and the other an enormously fat bald man known as Soultaker.  The
last is a small time hood name Rascally Rabbit.  They have each been shot through the
chest and their blood soaks the tattered carpet.  The only other figure in this
apartment is Norma O'Shaughnessy.  She is wearing an evening gown that is spattered
with blood and she appears to have been crying.
     "Well, if you get a good break, you'll be out of Tehachapi in twenty years and
you can come back to me then.  I hope they don't hang you, precious, by that sweet
neck."
     "You're not...."
     "Yes, angel, I'm going to send you over.  But chances are, you'll get off with
life.  That means, if you're a good girl, you'll be out in twenty years.  I'll be
waiting for you.  If they hang you, I'll always remember you."
     Down below in the streets, the flashing lights signal the arrival of the police.
Wayne King opens the door lets them in.  Detective Sherlock McNuln points to the
jewel encrusted nut sack dangling from Wayne King the goat's outstretched hand, "What
is this?"
     "The, uh, stuff that dreams are made of."
     Detective Sherlock McNuln gives Wayne King a strange look, "You are one crazy
sick bastard.  Did I ever tell you that?  If you described the situation to me, three
corpses, the hot lady is crying and there's a guy holding a jewel encrusted nut sack,
I would say, 'Oh, must be one of Wayne King's cases.'"
     Wayne King tosses the jewel encrusted nut sack towards Detective Sherlock McNuln
who very consciously avoids catching them.  They hit the ground and shatter into
shards of cheap plaster.  "The only strange part about this case is that the nut sack
is a fake.  We may never find the real Maltese Nut sack, but this one was close
enough that she killed three people for it."
     Norma O'Shaughnessy tries to pull away from the cops that grab her but to know
avail.  As Wayne King the Goat squares up his shoulders and walks through the
doorway, she screams, "You'll regret this as you lie there all alone in your cheap
office.  Think about all that could have been between us and the life we could have
bought with the Maltese Nut Sack!"
     Wayne King turns and takes one last look over his shoulder, "I'll have some
rotten nights after I've sent you over, but that'll pass."

Somewhere in the dark a dog howls

Somewhere else in the dark and man plots and schemes and turns his foes against each
other

     Somewhere else in the dark, "This session of the FONZ collusion council is now
in order.  The first thing on the agenda is the disturbing number of times I've been
challenged by fellow FONZ members.  If we are going to help team two win this whole
thing and have all of the top teams be FONZ teams then we are going to have to stay
focused and pull together.  I'd like to propose that anyone who challenges another
FONZ alliance member will have to go under the table for the next smiles night.  Does
anyone second my proposal?"
     There is silence, broken only by the gentle shifting of robes.  Finally the
voice breaks out angrily, "Darn, it, I said that all votes would be taken with ayes
and nays, not raising your arms.  I don't know why we always have these meetings with
the lights off."
     A light flared in the dark and then filled the room as it was touched to a
lantern.  Snotman held the lantern above his head and then swore softly as he saw
that there wasn't anyone else in the room, "Darmit, I can't believe all of the other
FONZ members flaked on the FONZ collusion council.  Well at least I have time to
finish reading "Scrod:  This is my way of the ninja!"

     Scrod lay panting on the top of the cliff, he had thought that scaling the cliff
and escaping from Aradi proper would have been good enough but alas the killer robot
chicken army was already waiting for him.  Well, there was no way around it, he was
going to have to fight his way out.  There was a metallic "snikt" as dorsal ports
opened on the killer robot chickens, exposing rocket launchers.  Scrod yelled, "Kage
bushin no jitsu!" and immediately he duplicated into 50 Scrods.  They each pointed a
finger in the air and yelled, "This is my way of the ninja!" and then charged into
battle....

Snotman threw the book down on the bed, "Ok, that wasn't as good as I thought it was
going to be.  I'm going to head down to the Blinking Starfish and see if any of the
fellows are around."  It was quite crowded out front of the Blinking Starfish and
Inferno the bouncer was only letting people on the guest list (and hot females)
enter.  Snotman had to elbow his way to the front and then wait for several minutes
as Inferno slowly sounded out each name on the guest list (meanwhile letting several
more hot females enter) before Snotman reached up on his tippy toes and smacked
Inferno in the head, "Dumfool, I own the joint.  Let me in without checking the list
next time."
     Inside, the place was rocking to the beats of DJ Nulnienuln and Snotman could
feel his heartbeat readjusting to the rhythm of the bass.  It was really hot inside
and many of the women had stripped off their shirts of cool down and those that
hadn't were glistening with sweat and they bumped and grooved to the funky beats laid
down by DJ Nunlnienuln.  As he pushed his way to the bar, he saw all of his FONZ
friends, Death Stud was dancing with a much taller and rather busty young lady, her
breasts waving tantalizingly in front of his face.  Ganolus was impressing a bunch of
women with his druid tricks (turning his staff into a tree and such).  Hombre and
Samwise were in the middle of a friendly dance competition, breaking and spinning and
leaping and popping and krumping while a ring of lusty ladies cheered them on.
Soultaker and Patty the Fatty were tangoing, a rose in Patty's lips while boB and
Bessy did the forbidden dance.  And of course Mannequin was propped up in the corner
as always.  Snotman took one look at his friends having fun and forgave them their
collusion transgressions and jumped into the fray with some of his best Elaine
dancing.

	   + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Stranded at the Teleport ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
						  (Branded a Fooooool)

(author's note:  See if you can guess what real-life event inspired this little
ditty)

     This was going to be an exciting day.  Through some sort of magical breakthrough
or other (TUM had no interest in determining how), Sheila Greywand had perfected a
Teleportation mode of travel.  One needed to simply arrive at a Tele-Port (catchy
name, eh?), check in, enter a cramped teleport chamber (presumably with many other
travelers), and be whisked off effortlessly from one arena city to another.  Today
was the grand opening.  Wasn't magic a wonderful thing?
     TUM had intentionally delayed traveling to Aradi this turn just so he could
teleport there the day of the next TOGS turn.  He arrived a conservative two hours
early, only to find that he had to check his warrior's swords and armor before
teleporting.  He never got a great explanation on that one, just that it was 'rules
of the FTA (Federal Teleportation Association).  So the two hour early arrival turned
out to be not as conservative as he thought.  The vast majority of it was spent
standing in line with other managers and their warriors so their goods could be
checked.  Still, TUM's excitement was undaunted.  Here he was in Talcama and within a
miniscule amount of time he would find himself in Aradi with time to spare.  This
could revolutionize the way he managed!
     TUM finished checking in his stuff with about 10 minutes to spare.  He made his
way, 4 scrambling warriors in tow, to his Teleport Gate.  The gates were all
numbered, but, strangely, not physically located in order.  This cost them a
harrowing 8 minutes sand TUM was gasping when they finally made it to their appointed
locale.  There, a sign was posted:  "Teleport Departure to:  ARADI DELAYED 15
minutes.
     TUM grinned.  "Good deal," he said to his warriors.  "Now we don't have to rush.
We can just relax here for a few and still make it to Aradi in plenty of time.
     The 15 minutes went by pleasantly enough.  TUM grabbed coffee for each of his
warriors and himself.  Around him, workers yelled out announcements of other
teleportations that were now boarding.  Managers and warriors came and went.  TUM
finished his coffee.
     After 25 minutes, TUM began to get confused.  Was he doing something wrong?
Should he be worried?
     Yrn anxious minutes later, a Tele-port employee replaced the old sign with a new
one:  Teleport Departure to:  ARADI DELAYED 45 minutes.
     "Why didn't they just say that in the first place?"  TUM exclaimed to no one in
particular.  Still, though.  They would be ok.
     Some of the others around him were beginning to grumble.  This could get ugly,
TUM thought to himself.  He resumed sitting and doing nothing.
     Time passed.  Others teleported. TUM did not.  After an excruciating delay, the
Tele-port employee came out and simply crossed out the '45' on the sign.  ARADI
DELAYED was now all the information they had.
     Some of the other customers didn't let him get away so quickly this time.
     "What's this supposed to mean?"
     "Sir, I'm sorry but there have been magical disturbances all up and down between
Talcama and Aradi.  It's really out of our control."
     "When will we actually be leaving?"
     "Madam, I promise you I have told you everything I know.  Any more information
will be posted on this sign."
     "There couldn't be any less information."
     "Sir, please.  If you are going to be insulting we reserve the right not to
service you.  So if you wish to get to Aradi, I respectfully suggest patience."  The
man hurried off.
     Slowly the Tele-port emptied out around TUM and his fellow Aradi-bound
travelers.  TUM's stomach rumbled.  He had drunk so much coffee he was getting
nauseous.  His warriors were getting fussy.
     Finally, hours after the appointed time, they were ushered without explanation
into the teleportation chamber.  It was a bumpy teleport, and no peanuts were served.

				+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

Team 2 finally faltered turn before last and coupled with good turns from Soultaker
and me this time out, Team 2 has at finally lost their deathgrip on first place at
least for a turn.  Biggest shocker this turn was the scum Tiny Tim SLAYING the AB
Karma Chameleon and improbably launching up to edge out One-Timer for the throne
(grrrr).  Well done, Creepster.  Your partner will be rubbing his hands together and
laughing maniacally at the idea of having the throne, but you're probably used to
that by now.  Well, in addition to him talking out loud to himself and the nervous
tick thing. -- Death Stud

=====

T396 TOGS totals
                             TOTAL     Turn 9 Turn 9 Turn 9 Turn 9 Turn 9
TEAM                         POINTS    Fights  Spots   Ads  Avoids   DM
--------------------------------------------- ------ ------ ------ ------
TEAM 3                        516        71     10            -5
  SOULTAKER / DEATH STUD
TEAM 2                        511        42     10
  SAMWISE THE BALD / MANNEQUIN
TEAM 9                        474        52     10
  NULN / SNOTMAN
TEAM 7                        438        35     10
  HOMBRE / GANOLUS OAKLEAF
TEAM 11                       422        21     10
  INDIMAR / CYBER PUNK
TEAM 6                        418        48     10                   10
  THE CREEPSTER / MANAGER
TEAM 12                       382        19     10
  STREET LEGAL / GHOTI
TEAM 13                       354        32      5
  TUM / LHI
TEAM 8                        350        38      5     -5
  RILLION / RASCALLY RABBIT
TEAM 4                        347         7     10
  LORD XIANG / SERAPHIM
TEAM 1                        322        31     10
  LADY ELYSIAN / A-SOP
TEAM 5                        179         0      0     -10
  ULTRAIST / JEKYLL
TEAM 10                       170         0      0     -10
  FARMER BOB / MISSION
TEAM 14                        4          0      0     -10
  TIGTOAD / DMOBSTER

=====

WARRIOR:                                      WARRIOR:            WINNER: PNTS:
COYOTE                  savagely defeated     DEATH SPONGE        TEAM 1   10
WHISTLE PIG             luckily beat          DAYNE               TEAM 1   7
NATALIA                 viciously subdued     NINE HUNDRED        TEAM 1      7
INIYO                   won victory over      FEZ                 TEAM 1      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  31

MALT-O-MEAL             bested                DERRIN              TEAM 2   10
BOSTON TERRIER      was bested by             SPINACH             TEAM 2   7
SQUIGGNERD              vanquished            CONDI               TEAM 2   10
PINTO BEANS             unbelievably bested   SUTTY               TEAM 2      4
SUGAR BOTTOMS           overpowered           ERRA EVAD           TEAM 2      4
HAWAIIAN KONA       was overpowered by        DOODLEBOB           TEAM 2      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  42

G DUBYAH            was bested by             ONE-TIMER           TEAM 3   7
JAMIS               was overpowered by        HURRICANE XXXVII    TEAM 3   7
SMALL INTESTINE         won victory over      ANALISE             TEAM 3   10
VAS DEFERENS            won victory over      SPAM SANDWICH       TEAM 3   10
CEPL                was overpowered by        COBRA XXI           TEAM 3   7
SIGMOID COLON           vanquished            FLAMENCO A GO-GO    TEAM 3   10
URETHRA                 vanquished            PINK                TEAM 3   10
LOKI IX                 overpowered           HOFFA               TEAM 3   10
                                                                  -TOTAL:  71

AFTERNOON NAP           subdued               NIGEL STAPLER       TEAM 4      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  7

ZEROSE                  vanquished            HYDRO ON THE D-LO   TEAM 6   10
MEALS ON WHEELS     was narrowly defeated by  JACK THE RIPPER     TEAM 6   7
PESMERGA                overpowered           BRAE'TAC            TEAM 6   10
TINY TIM                savagely slew         KARMA CHAMELEON     TEAM 6      7
MOUSE               was luckily beaten by     SNOW WHITE          TEAM 6      7
KILLER              was savagely defeated by  BYAKUREN            TEAM 6      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  48

BLOODLUST MUTE          overpowered           WARAGEN             TEAM 7   10
F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE      vanquished            THALIA              TEAM 7   4
MANDA               was beaten by             NINJA               TEAM 7      7
SILENT SPOCKER          savagely defeated     WHITE WITCH         TEAM 7      7
PIZNAUL JIZNOKE         devastated            MACS                TEAM 7      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  35

TAY STARLE          was dispatched by         SONETT              TEAM 8   7
VENREK                  overcame              CIALIS              TEAM 8   10
GAZREK                  demolished            PEARLY WHITES       TEAM 8   7
DOA                     demolished            MONKEY PAW          TEAM 8      7
THANKS MANAGER          overpowered           WHITE WEEYOTCH      TEAM 8      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  38

PANTHER             was overpowered by        NAPPY DUGOUT        TEAM 9   7
SUNSHINE            was defeated by           SHMAMY CROCKETT     TEAM 9   7
HOSCHA              was narrowly defeated by  LEG WARMER LUST     TEAM 9   7
THE AVENGING SCROD      viciously subdued     LIMA BEANS          TEAM 9   10
STONE COLD NUTS         luckily beat          THE RIDDLER         TEAM 9   10
TYVEK               was luckily beaten by     RACOON HAMMER       TEAM 9      7
RESPECT THE PACKAGE     handily defeated      ENTMIL              TEAM 9      4
                                                                  -TOTAL:  52

GENOH               was viciously subdued by  ONE HOT BABE        TEAM 11  7
TIGER TY                overpowered           YELLOW JACKET       TEAM 11  7
AQUA NETTA          was unbelievably bested byPRIVATE PARTS       TEAM 11     7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  21

ZIG-ZAG MAN             handily defeated      STARLING            TEAM 12  4
SMIRLIN                 handily defeated      VIPER LXXI          TEAM 12     7
SEHENSTES           was subdued by            SYDA HAMMIE         TEAM 12     4
B.C. GOLD               overpowered           DOLP                TEAM 12     4
                                                                  -TOTAL:  19

ASGARD                  overpowered           RUKGAZ              TEAM 13  10
3D'S NOT L33T       was demolished by         THE LBA             TEAM 13  7
HYQ                 was unbelievably bested byJAVA                TEAM 13     4
HARSIESUS               bested                KRAKEN              TEAM 13     4
MADONNA                 savagely defeated     9000                TEAM 13     7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  32

				+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
        -----     -----     -----    Death Stud    -----     -----     -----

     Manager walked up and down the rows of his vineyard and admired what remained of
this year's crop.  Row after row of large, juicy grapes, perfectly colored, extremely
sour and ready to be harvested.  He pulled a few from the vine and chose the best
looking of the lot, raising it up in the air where the light was best to inspect the
shape and hue.  Magnificent.  He put it in his mouth and slowly bit into it, savoring
the taste while letting the juices fill his mouth.  Manager's face twisted into a
grimace with the taste, puckering tightly at how utterly sour it was.  Ah, it was
perfect!  Manager smiled to himself because he knew that this year would be a
smashing success.  The market was primed and the crop was fantastic, there was no way
he could miss.  Manager was well known for his famous Sour Grapes and Whine Cellar,
but this was going to top all.  The Sour Grape yield and Whine volume had been
especially robust this year.  Plus, he had added a special surprise when bottling the
Whine this year that would change everything.  Manager made a Mr. Burnsesque hand
teepee and cackled evilly, "Excellent...."
     Death Stud and Soultaker stood side by side staring at the signage above the new
shop in town.  Stud shook his head incredulously, "I can't believe that Manager is
selling his Sour Grapes all around town and has reopened his Whine Cellar again.  Why
do we have to go through this every TOGS?  Sour Grapes and Whine, Sour Grapes and
Whine, the same thing every year.  Man, it gets old!"
     "Yeah, he never gives up," Soultaker agreed.
     The two had been so preoccupied with trying to win TOGS that they hadn't paid
much attention to what the bottom-feeders of Manager and Creepster had been up to.
Apparently, Manager had already been peddling his Sour Grapes for many weeks and had
already ramped up his Whine production for the season.  By the traffic flowing in and
out of the establishment, it appeared that business was strong.  It seemed odd to
Death Stud as he watched, though, that everyone who came out of the doors seemed to
have a bit of a glazed look on their face.  It was something subtle, but he couldn't
shake the feeling that there was something just...off...with all of the people as
they were leaving.  It was the same sort of look that he had seen at the arena as
well.  Actually, now that he thought about it, he had been seeing that same look
everywhere around town recently.  Death Stud was lost in thought when Manager came
outside to inspect the progress, saw the two across the street, and came over to
greet them.  "Death Stud, Soultaker, my old friends.  Sorry, no pun intended,
Soultaker."  Manager laughed at the quip.  Soultaker's dome turned red as he
struggled to contain his anger.  "The product this year is magnificent.  The two of
you are welcome to come inside and have some.  Please, courtesy of the house, of
course."
     Death Stud glared suspiciously at Manager, but Soultaker cocked an eyebrow at
Stud questioningly.  Death Stud was aware that Soultaker couldn't resist a little
Sour Grapes now and again, so he shot his best friend a stern look, and replied to
Manager, "That's very generous of you, of course, but Chromie and I have some
important 'TOGS-team-in-contention' business to attend to that you probably wouldn't
understand.  So we'll let you get back to your...whatever."  Death Stud waived a hand
dismissively at Manager's Whine Cellar and Sour Grapes shop.  "I'm sure that you will
understand and give us leave to visit you another time."
     Manager smiled thinly but ignored the thinly veiled insult at ongoing TOGS
futility.  "Oh, but of course, Master Stud.  You are welcome here at any time.  And
if you like, the two of you can come and also come and visit us at the Managertown
spiritual retreat in Guyana."
     "Guyana, where is that?  I've never heard of it."
     "It is far away south in the middle of a lush forest.  A perfect place to escape
the stress of everyday life and pressure of competition.  A place for reflection and
to learn about a better way to live.  Many of Aradi's managers have found
enlightenment there already."
     Whoa, this was creeping Death Stud out.  What the heck was he talking about?  I
mean, he knew--everybody knew--that Manager was a little (OK, more than a little)
crazy, but this was sounding really bizarre, even for Manager, the Czar of Bizarre.
"Um, no thanks.  We really need to be going."  He grabbed Soultaker by the arm and
started away down the street without waiting for an answer from Manager.  Behind him
as they strode away, Stud didn't even notice Manager and his ominous hand teepee.

          + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Jack's New Beanstalk? ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     While away at Sunset training for a probable appearance in the upcoming fall
tourney, Street Legal came upon a strange little man with a goat.  Sorry Jekyll, no
chickens!  Ever looking for interesting new variations to grow in his hydroponics lab
in Aradi, when the man offered to sell him some odd looking seeds, Street Legal could
hardly refuse.  They were very strange in appearance and he knew not what they were.
Nothing he had ever seen looked like these seeds.  When he asked the man what they
were he simply stated that they were "seeds of good will".  The odd thing was he
smiled a little, a very coy smile, when he said that.  But Street thought nothing
much of it he was just so curious as to what would spring forth from them he rushed
back to Aradi to begin to grow them!
     He arrived at the My Best Buds 2 guildhouse and rushed in, nearly knocking down
FEZ as he bolted down the stairs to his hydroponics lab.  He set the seeds in the
solution and began twirling dials and setting up lamps and all the things he had
become so adept at in growing.  He thought to himself "seeds of goodwill"?  He
merrily thought about how he was "sowing the seeds of good will" and what he could
bring his Duel-whatever community with them.  He could bring them something that they
all had yearned for.  Ah yes, sowing the seeds of goodwill is such a wonderful thing.
     He went to sleep that night, after many hours of deep thought, wondering how his
Duel community would embrace these seeds of good will and how he wanted to give
something back to the game he so enjoyed.  It gave him peace and respite when things
were down; he made friends he certainly never would have before and he wanted to give
back.  Of course in doing so he was getting a little something in return but indeed
it was as much to give back as it was anything.
     There was a knock at the door so he went rushing down.  Half because he never
truly went to sleep.  It was Manager at the door and he wondered what he was doing
here.  Didn't he have some backstabbing or conniving to attend to?  They sat and
discussed the topic, oddly enough about good will seeds, and Street had forgotten all
about Manager's long ago warning about them.  Good lord, Manager knew a lot about the
game but he had to be insane, what evil could come from goodwill seeds.  So he
dismissed him and went down into his lab, Manager knocking on the basement window
warning him to destroy the seeds NOW!
     He heard a voice as he approached the lab and heard Manager screaming something
but he could not make it out.  Nor did he want to he had his mind set on his goodwill
seeds which he had sewn.  "They're Whining Pansies," Manager was shouting.  "Beware
the Whining Pansies!"  But his voice could not be heard.  He thought he heard the
voice of a manager he knew, then another and yet another.  What the heck is going on,
he thought.
     When he got to his lab there were strange flowers growing, already, from the
seeds.  And they were all talking to him.  They were growing everywhere, coming out
of the woodwork quite literally; they were growing even from the walls.  Good gods,
the Whining Pansies were everywhere telling him things, screaming at him, whispering
things about how evil the others were.  One of them even managed to grab hold of a
small knife and stab him in the back, luckily it had little strength and did no
serious harm.  He could hardly take it.  He ran out screaming and went to his study.
     In his study he buried his head in his hands and thought to himself, "I have
sewn the seeds of good will and from them all I have gotten are Whining Pansies."  I
should have listened to wise old Manager but I never do.  I always think people are
more trustworthy then they are.  His hand quivered as he reached into his desk and
pulled out a tiny key with the skull's head on it.  This was a day he thought he'd
never see.  He walked over to a small dusty trunk hidden in the corner of the study's
closet and inserted this key.  "These darned Whining Pansies have driven me to this."
He prayed to his gods for forgiveness and understanding as he pulled forth a small
bundle of clothing.  "Long ago my twin brother, Street Legal, was killed in battle
and I have taken his place.  Honoring his beliefs though I know deep down he hated
the Andorian's oppression of his people, yet he honored them truly.  I have stayed in
his place and returned to honor him but I can do this no more.  Alastari is not the
world of wonder and joy he always believed it was.  And though I was an outcast in my
family, so much so few even knew of my existence outside of it, my and I brother were
close.  I pray to Demnat for forgiveness, for I must honor my brother's true beliefs
now as they are also my own.  I can no longer pledge my loyalties entirely to this
new Andoria; I must do as our hearts believe!"
     With that prayer he unfurled the bundle and with a heavy heart and shaken soul
he quivered.  His hands trembling he pulled the Death Shroud over his head as his
eyes blazed red.  "All will know the name of One-Eyed-Jack and they will come to
loathe it!"
     Street Legal shuddered awake from his slumber.  What a strange dream yet it
seemed so real.  His brother Jack was the one who was killed wasn't it?
     Join us next time at the same Scrod time, same Scrod channel.

  + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ MOBY SCROD -- A REALLY BIG FISH TALE ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                     Chapter 36

     I had climbed aboard the Mini Oh Me Oh My, henceforth known as the Mini Oh, and
was surprised at the actual luxury of the yacht.  I could go on describing the
spaciousness of the cabins and common areas and how wonderfully color-coordinated and
pretty everything was, but I'd rather talk about the new crew.
     As I mentioned previously there were eight of us setting sail that day:
Mannequin and Samwise, Snotman and Nuln, Death Stud as captain--since it was his
boat, and Soultaker, and Lady A and me.  Death Stud had been about to go on a scrod
hunt even before I mentioned that I was looking to have an adventure, so this worked
quite well into his plans.  I had not known that Death Stud had a distinct and
particular scrod he was going after...the infamous Moby Scrod!  If I had known then,
what I know now, I might have changed my mind about wanting adventure.  Talk about
wish fulfillment.  Moby Scrod was a really big fish.  You might even say a whale of a
fish.  Ahem.
     But what I wanted to know was WHY was Death Stud so obsessed about getting this
particular fish.  It was Soultaker that told me the why...Moby Scrod was the one that
GOT AWAY.  It was that simple...here I was expecting to hear that Moby Scrod had
bitten Stud's leg off, caused some inhuman scar...nope, just he got away.
     Of course, the boys coming along didn't care about whys...this was a chance to
FISH!  That or generally be a nuisance to Death Stud.  For Lady A, it was a much
needed break from managing...the office, the warriors, the business, etc.  For me, it
was adventure, but I also like to know whys, where, and how did that happen.
     Mannequin and Samwise, the TOGS leading team managers, were checking out the
harpoons and spearguns.  Snotman and Nuln were given the task of making sure the
fishing tackle and gear or however you say that was in good condition and stowed
properly.  Lady A and I checked the foodstuffs, rooms, and after seeing Mannequin and
Samwise playing around with the harpoons, we also checked the medical supplies.  It
only took ten minutes before we needed to perform first aid for Samwise.  He had been
a bit too slow in dodging Mannequin's mock thrust of the harpoon's spearhead.
Meanwhile, Death Stud and Soultaker were at the helm, navigating the small ship out
of Aradi's port and out to sea.
     We had lovely weather for our outing.  The sea was calm and the water a
beautiful deep blue.  The wind was steady, filling the ship's sails and sending the
Mini Oh across the waves at a moderate clip.  Lady A and I had set out some fruit and
snacks, while the boys set up a couple of trawling fish lines.  We sat and talked
desultorily, waiting until Death Stud or Soultaker to come down and join us.
     "What do you do when you see Moby Scrod, men...and er, ladies?" boomed Death
Stud.  He grinned maniacally when he saw most of us jump in startlement.
     "Sing out for him!" was the impulsive rejoinder from Snotman and Nuln.
     "Good!" cried Death Stud, with wild approval in his tones; observing the hearty
animation into which his unexpected question had so magnetically thrown them.
     "And what do ye next, men...and ladies?"
     "Audition the singers for Aradian Idol?" quipped Mannequin.
     "No, throw them overboard!  Have you head Nuln sing?!" cried Samwise, palming
his ears shut.
     "HEY!  I can sing!" said Nuln, affronted.
     "ENOUGH BALDERDASH!" boomed Death Stud.  He need to boom just to be heard over
the laughter and nonsense of his crew.  "Don't ye understand what you shipped on for,
maties?  I'm after that thrice-darned Moby Scrod!  I'll chase him round Good Noblish
Isle, and round the Horn of Amen Tei, and round the Snowbound Maelstrom, and round
perdition's flames before I give him up this trip.  And this is what ye've shipped
for, men, and er, ladies!  To chase that darned white scrod on both sides of land,
and over all sides of the earth, till he spouts black blood and rolls fin out.  What
say ye, men...and ladies, will ye splice hands on it, now?  I think ye do look
brave."
     "Aye, aye!" shouted Mannequin and Samwise.  "A sharp eye for the White Scrod!"
shouted Nuln.  "A sharp lance for Moby Scrod!" shouted Snotman.
     Lady A and I just looked at each other.  Ooookay.  Must be a guy thing.

                                      SPY REPORT

     Well, what are you looking at, ARADI?  Ain't you never seen Snide Clemens 
before?  Ah, shaddup and listen to my news.  If The Victory Tavern is buying drinks 
for MY BEST BUDS 2's good turn, I'm afraid the place will be dry before long.  A 
5-0-0 makes for a big thirst.  With any luck, I can sneak into The Victory Tavern and 
join GOIN' TUBIN''s celebration over their good record this turn.  6th place, not 
bad.  Why not, I'm having a good day, so I feel sorry for BIKINI BOTTOM, who went 
2-3-0 and dropped 11 into 17th.  Here's my pity, for what it's worth.  Now let's all 
watch DILEN'S HORDE's heads swell from their 3-1-0 this turn.  Haa ha ha ha!  Big 
shots, big talk, big deal.  Of course, we're all terribly impressed to see DEATH 
SPONGE win a fight and gain 30 points, terribly.  Tsk, tsk, PIZNAUL JIZNOKE beat 
VIPER LXXI and VIPER LXXI lost 13 points.  You're breakin' my heart.  TINY TIM 
challenged WARAGEN for ARADI's Title this turn, and guess what happened?  And if 
variety is the spice of life, ARADI may be getting bland, as TINY TIM stays top dog 
in the city.  I'm not in a very good mood today, but why am I telling you this?  You 
want to know what's new, don't you, ARADI?   
     Well, let's take a look at some more misdeeds of you miserable sword-boys.  
What's the big D?  INQUISITION SG-1 was the most avoided team?  Bunch of lily 
livered... grumble... mumble... curse...  And who led the way in this mass act of 
cowardice?  Let's see, well, whatcha know?  It was BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS.  Ha ha ha ha! 
MEALS ON WHEELS was challenged more times this turn than the Duelmaster.  Now was the 
DM insulted or feared?  Heh, heh.  Looks like time for laurels or hemlock, HURRICANE 
XXXVII was challenged by MOUSE, who was ranked 32 points below him.  My sides still 
hurt from laughing about HURRICANE XXXVII losing and giving MOUSE 23 points of 
recognition.  Ha ha ha ha!!  I guess I can give a little credit to ROSCOE of THE 
BUNKHOUSE for challenging up by 24 to KRAKEN.  ROSCOE lost to get 4 points of 
recognition.  And we have YELLOW JACKET in a challenge, going down 13 points for the 
fight.  Guess what?  I thought YELLOW JACKET showed great skill and promise when she 
was subdued by 9000.  All right, so I slept through it!  Big deal!   
     Death and Taxes.  The less death I see, the more it taxes my patience.  Let's 
see if anyone's dead or dying.  I could say I saw this coming, but so could anyone 
else.  Anyway, this turn it came.  HOLSTIEN HEAVEN's 7-4-0 has earned him the Dark 
Arena.  Ya gotta go sometime, and COBRA XXI's time was this time.  Hmmm, not a bad 
fighter, had it lived... (what?  me pity?).  A big yahoo goes out to ZIG-ZAG MAN this 
turn, for revenging MY BEST BUDS 2's bloodfeud against 4000 BLOWS' warrior LEG WARMER 
LUST.  Heh, heh, heh.  Consider CLAPTON gone, and BIKINI BOTTOM unfeeling, letting 
the bloodfeud for his death go unrevenged.  Titanium shields and bamboo daggers, 
guess what brave team is developing these kinds of weapons?   
     I was about to buy a new quill pen the other day, but some fighter took it for 
an epee.  Forgive me for writing with a dagger.  Well, I've had enough of this 
drivel, and I'm sure you have too.  Off like a dirty shirt of padded leather.  I see 
the crowds are getting restless, I must leave now-- Snide Clemens  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 TINY TIM 6042                16   4  1   128       CRAZY CREEPS (207)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 ONE-TIMER 7169               34   7  0   121       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 SONETT 7088                  13   2  3   118       SAAB STORY (389)
 HOLLY SKULL 7276             21  15  0   117       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
 MOUSE 7318                   10  15  0   103       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 JAMIS 6735                   13  15  1    98       WING HOVE (529)
 BLOODLUST MUTE 7701           6   6  0    98       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 SNOW WHITE 7486              10   9  0    92       CRAZY CREEPS (207)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 G DUBYAH 7611                 5   7  1    90       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
-JIM PANZI 7382               10   8  0    88       FUNKY FOLK (565)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SILENT SPOCKER 7700          10   2  0    88       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 WILLOW 6659                   9   4  2    87       DARK TOGS (526)
-VOLMAX 7592                   5   4  0    87       MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
 JAVA 7779                     8   2  0    84       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
 PANTHER 7320                 12  12  1    80       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083             10   5  0    79       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 SHMAMY CROCKETT 7216         14  10  0    78       4000 BLOWS (107)
-SEHENSTES 7339               16  13  2    75       VOUGEOOT (464)
 SUNSHINE 7593                 8   5  0    75       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 SYDA HAMMIE 6667             17  13  0    74       OGRES ARE US (270)
 PIZNAUL JIZNOKE 7641         10   4  1    74       THE BIZZLE (593)
 MALT-O-MEAL 7527             10   3  1    74       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 VENREK 7477                  11   5  0    72       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 BUTTERFLY 7338               16   7  0    67       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-HYQ 7388                     13  11  2    66       VOUGEOOT (464)
 DERRIN 6952                  11  14  0    66       WING HOVE (529)
 HYDRO ON THE D-LO 7642        9   5  2    66       THE BIZZLE (593)
 SMALL INTESTINE 7535          8  10  1    66       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 LEG WARMER LUST 7717          7   4  1    66       4000 BLOWS (107)
 ZEROSE 7741                   7   3  0    66       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 DEATH SPONGE 7692             6   3  0    66       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 VAS DEFERENS 7534            11   5  0    65       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 PINTO BEANS 7531              9   8  0    65       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 HOSCHA 6835                  11  13  0    63       OGRES ARE US (270)
 ASGARD 6892                   4   4  0    63       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
 ETTIN 7600                    9   5  1    61       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
 LOOSE DENTURES 7573           7   7  0    61       AARP (583)
 TYVEK 7478                    6   6  0    61       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 SUGAR BOTTOMS 7690            8   2  1    58       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 B.C. GOLD 7787                5   4  0    58       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE 7639       7   7  0    56       THE BIZZLE (593)
 DERS 7683                     7   5  0    56       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
-ANTHRAX 7669                  4   3  1    56       MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
 CIALIS 7659                   7   5  1    55       AARP (583)
 PESMERGA 7813                 4   4  0    55       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 CEPL 6666                     8   6  0    54       OGRES ARE US (270)
 VIPER LXXI 7566               8   7  0    54       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 SUTTY 7685                    6   6  0    54       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 LIMA BEANS 7530               9   7  0    52       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 COYOTE 7626                   9   6  1    51       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
 JACK THE RIPPER 7487          9   8  0    51       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 RUKGAZ 7564                   7   3  0    50       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 NINJA 7357                    8  10  0    49       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 HARSIESUS 6871                7   4  1    49       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
 WHITE WITCH 7542              9   5  0    48       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 SPAM SANDWICH 7524            7   7  0    48       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 MANDA 7546                    9   9  1    47       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 OSO 7682                      6   6  0    47       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 SIGMOID COLON 7533            5   7  0    47       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 ANALISE 7544                  9   9  0    46       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 THE LBA 7810                  7   1  0    45       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
 ONE HOT BABE 7816             5   3  0    45       ATLAS PARK (592)
 BIN LADEN 7646                8   6  0    44       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
 THE AVENGING SCROD 7649       8   3  1    43       4000 BLOWS (107)
 RACOON HAMMER 7709            7   4  0    42       WILD CARDS (148)
 SPINACH 7789                  6   3  0    41       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 NIGHT HAG 7598                9   5  0    40       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
 FLAMENCO A GO-GO 7662         7   6  0    40       ATLAS PARK (592)
 THALIA 7547                   6  12  0    40       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 DOA 7773                      5   4  0    39       SAAB STORY (389)
 SQUIGGNERD 7694               6   4  1    38       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 TIGER TY 7665                 7   5  1    36       WING HOVE (529)
 BOSTON TERRIER 7638           6   8  0    35       ATLAS PARK (592)
 KRAKEN 7679                   5   8  1    35       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
 RESPECT THE PACKAGE 7832      5   1  0    35       WILD CARDS (148)
 MACS 7797                     4   5  0    35       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
 STARLING 7630                 9   6  1    34       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
 FUN IN THE BARN 7673          7   5  0    34       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 PRIVATE PARTS 7798            6   3  0    32       ATLAS PARK (592)
 MONKEY PAW 7854               2   2  0    32       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 MEALS ON WHEELS 7575          5   8  1    30       AARP (583)
 CONDI 7613                    4   6  0    30       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
 STONE COLD NUTS 7848          4   1  0    30       WILD CARDS (148)
 RICKON 7830                   3   3  0    29       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
 WALMART GREETER 7576          5   9  0    28       AARP (583)
 3D'S NOT L33T 7833            4   2  1    28       WILD CARDS (148)
 THANKS MANAGER 7864           3   0  0    28       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 THE RIDDLER 7852              2   2  1    28       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 NATALIA 7790                  4   5  0    27       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 URETHRA 7851                  2   1  0    27       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 MADONNA 7780                  5   5  0    26       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
 9000 7772                     1   8  0    26       SAAB STORY (389)
-GREEN DISEASE 7718            2   5  1    24       MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-ERRA EVAD 7652                4   6  0    23       VOUGEOOT (464)
 LOKI IX 7860                  2   1  0    23       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 HAWAIIAN KONA 7853            2   2  0    23       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 AQUA NETTA 7775               5   5  1    22       THE BIZZLE (593)
 YELLOW JACKET 7627            3  12  1    22       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
 DAYNE 7826                    3   4  0    22       WING HOVE (529)
-PIGGY 6655                    2   3  0    22       DARK TOGS (526)
 ANNIE MULL 7793               3   2  0    21       FUNKY FOLK (565)
 GAZREK 7858                   2   1  0    21       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 RIP TORN 7850                 2   1  0    21       FUNKY FOLK (565)
 HOFFA 7713                    5   4  0    19       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
 INIYO 7865                    2   1  0    19       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 DOODLEBOB 7877                1   1  0    19       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 BRAE'TAC 6895                 4   4  0    18       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
-DOLP 7838                     3   1  1    18       VOUGEOOT (464)
 NINE HUNDRED 7681             4   5  0    17       SAAB STORY (389)
 GENOH 7847                    4   1  0    17       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 SUPERIOR VENA CAVA 7882       1   1  0    14       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 FEZ 7878                      1   1  0    14       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 WHISTLE PIG 7806              2   7  0    13       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
 LYNNE GWINI 7849              1   0  0    13       FUNKY FOLK (565)
 PINK 7809                     3   3  0    12       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
 WHITE WEEYOTCH 7881           1   1  0    11       4000 BLOWS (107)
 BLONDIE 7863                  1   2  1    10       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
 AFTERNOON NAP 7861            2   2  0     8       AARP (583)
 FOSKIE 7837                   1   4  0     7       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 PEARLY WHITES 7855            1   3  0     6       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 DEATH TO TEAM 2 7888          1   0  0     5       WILD CARDS (148)
 WREN 7887                     1   0  0     5       BEERBARIANS (528)
 BYAKUREN 7879                 1   1  0     4       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 ROSCOE 7883                   1   1  0     4       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
-ENTMIL 7856                   0   3  0     3       VOUGEOOT (464)
 NIGEL STAPLER 7880            0   2  0     2       THE BIZZLE (593)
 KILLER 7876                   0   2  0     2       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
 FONZ COLLUDER 7885            0   1  0     1       ATLAS PARK (592)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SPOOLGK 7886                  0   1  0     1       OGRES ARE US (270)
 AGREE TO DISAGREE 7889        0   1  0     1       4000 BLOWS (107)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD               W  L K TEAM NAME             SLAIN BY             TURN Revenge?
INIGO 7545             6  8 0 ARADI RESORT & SP 580 AQUA NETTA 7775       393 REVENGED
KARMA CHAMELEON 7636   9  4 1 ATLAS PARK 592        TINY TIM 6042         396         
CLAPTON 7691           5  1 1 BIKINI BOTTOM 596     G DUBYAH 7611         393 NOT REVE
MISER KRABS 7839       1  2 0 BIKINI BOTTOM 596     KRAKEN 7679           395         
HOLSTIEN HEAVEN 7674   7  5 0 CHEER-O-KEE'S 557     ARNIE SHEW 21         397 NONE    
HAMBURGER HELPER 7821  2  4 1 CHEER-O-KEE'S 557     ARNIE SHEW 21         397 NONE    
COBRA XXI 7725         7  3 0 DEATH STUDS VII 301   WILLOW 6659           397         
BRUNETTE 7862          0  1 0 DILLIGAF LEGION 589   DOLP 7838             395         
URETHRA 7834           1  1 0 GOIN' TUBIN' 577      MEALS ON WHEELS 7575  393 NOT REVE
INFERIOR VENA CA 7872  0  1 0 GOIN' TUBIN' 577      BLONDIE 7863          395         
KREE 6870              3  5 0 INQUISITION SG-1 540  THE RIDDLER 7852      397         
DR. FEELGOOD 7130      7 10 0 MY BEST BUDS 2 542    LEG WARMER LUST 7717  395 JUST REV
MARY JANE 7173         3  4 0 MY BEST BUDS 2 542    STARLING 7630         393 JUST REV
BIG DEAL 7811          2  6 0 OGRES ARE US 270      TIGER TY 7665         397         
STORM FIRE 7597        5  3 1 SUPERIOR FORCES 1 586 HYDRO ON THE D-L 7642 395 REVENGED
DON'T BREED! 7884      0  1 0 THINGS ILL NEVER  601 SEA MONSTER 27        397 NONE    
TAY STARLE 6808       12 14 2 WING HOVE 529         SONETT 7088           396         

                                     PERSONAL ADS

Lady A. -- Thank your for providing me with the need for an Obligatory P-Ad.  I am
much obliged. -- Ghoti

Manager -- I had a little discussion with Syda Hammie as I had to assure him he was
not really on team 3 as you had him listed.  He was quite upset to think he was a
FONZ team dude.  He wanted to apologize to everyone for it too.  I stopped him though
and said you would be sure to note that it was not an inter-FONZ fight. -- Ghoti

Seraphim -- You must have read my spotlight too closely.  It appears you have Ghoti
Spotlight syndrome. -- Ghoti

Verenek -- Whatever did I do to you to deserve that beating? -- Cialis

Jack the Ripper -- Your victory was my fault.  I placed the wrong strats in.  Next
time shall be different. -- Lord Xiang

Bin Laden -- Um, I wish we could do that to you for real!  Sorry, my friend. -- Loose
Dentures

Oso -- Bah!  Next time don't break my longsword.  That fight was a great read!  I
look forward to our inevitable rematch.  *grin* -- Walmart Greeter

Nigel Stapler -- Looks like you were the one that needed an... -- Afternoon Nap

AW&WF AFP Editor -- Oh, my.  That Blue Bonnet is just elusive!  I want the whole
outfit, but somebody keeps me from it.  *sniff* -- Lord Xiang
P.S.  If you have cheese, I have more whine.  *lol*

Hawaiian Kona -- How DARE you interrupt my siesta! -- Afternoon Nap

Seraphim -- Thanks!  And I wish you the very best on your trip to the mideast. --
Lord Xiang
P.S.  I'd be very wary about Manager as an Image Consultant....  You'd wind up
looking like Soultaker, but acting like the Creepster!

Hombre -- Guilt is a wonderful means of behavioral control, isn't it?  *chuckle* --
Lord Xiang

Lady A -- If I biff my ongue off, I ill awmost ffound ike gnulng. -- Lord Xiang

     *stern look*  But since (I hope!) you don't write with your tongue, it shouldn't
     affect your personals ads. -- Ed.

Death Stud -- I knew you were short, but why must you stand on the backs of my
challenges?  Paper is only so thick, y'know!  Then again, every micrometer counts, is
that it? -- Lord Xiang

Last-Timer -- Hopefully NOT!! -- Lord Xiang
P.S.  Just GRADUATE already!!

Hurricane XXXVII and Waragen -- Congratulations on your invites! -- Lord Xiang

Tiny Tim -- Nice way to ascend to the Throne!! -- Lord Xiang, Delarquan to the core

Tidbits from The Award Winning and World Famous Aradi Free Press:
   Ladies do not carry nut sacks.
   Tigtoad retired and his TOGS partner got most of his good warriors.
   Pauly looked great modeling those velvet pink hot pants.
   Samwise does not share with his non-FONZ TOGS partner.
   Lord Xiang often quotes "Health.  Humility.  Honor."
   FONZ = Fried Organic Nasal Zits
   Hombre models loin cloths and crossbow racquets on his birthday.
   River Ogres are called Orgreit.
   The FONZ now has both a Manager and a TOGS conspiracy working.
   FONZ = Fairly Ordinary Native Zulus
   Night Hag wears 5 minutes worth of longsword crits.  (You go, gal!)
   Karma On chameleons is useless.
   Wayne The Goat and Lady A are going steady.
   Samwise is insisting he is not height junior in FONZ.
   TUM & LHI have six letters, five TCs, and no TOGS.
   Derrin & Jamis made a meal of Spam Sandwich and Pinto Beans.
   Rillion may, or may not have anger issues.  Death Stud will decide.
   TUM held a forum to explain his unexplainable Spot.
   Soultaker finally got his tubes flowing.
   Solitaire "rock, paper, scissors" is now the "in" Aradi game.
   FONZ = Frolicking Organs Needing Zippers
   A copy of the Rillion Revenge list was recently published on PBS.
   Seraphim signed Manager as his Image Consultant.  Early polls show success.
   Hombre made a large donation to the St. Aradi Irish-Catholic church.
   Ed. (short for Editor of all Aradi) works for an evil overlady.
   FONZ = Frantic Orenthals Nifing Zeldas
   There's always time for Bubbles.

Rewards for best spots last round from The AW&WF Aradi Free Press are:
     Blue Bonnet (1st)         The Sports Guy
     Red Bandanna (2nd)        Stud & Soultaker Reconnoiter
     White Headband (3rd)      Soultaker Throne
     Pink Pantaloon (last)     Barnabas The Buccaneer
     Pink Pantaloon (last)     Dilligaf (partial)
Your Favorite Award Winning and World Famous Editor

Nuln -- You do, indeed, look so cute with that expensive white headband under your
chaos helmet. -- Editor, Award Winning and World Famous Aradi Free press

Meals On Wheels -- Good thing you were on wheels to last that long.  Yessir, old man,
good thing. -- Jack The Ripper

Stone Cold Nuts -- If nut sacks are red, and nuts are blue, why do you do the things
you do?  (You Cad!) -- The Riddler

LHI -- Well done, pal.  Loved your gratuitous ad.  Kind of you. -- All us Crazy
Creeps

Karma Chameleon -- I knew it!  We shouldn't have been seen together!  Big Brother is
everywhere.  They did that.  I didn't!  Why, I kind of liked you. -- Tiny Tim

Mouse -- The seven Dwarfs do not allow any of your kind in here.  I am truly sorry I
had to discriminate, but it is their house, you know? -- Snow White

Nuln -- We thank you for your sincere loyalty and the many ways which you look out
for and defend The Award Winning Aradi Free Press.  You are THE man. -- Editor, AW&WF
Aradi Free Press

Spocker -- You may be Silent, but you are soon going to be planted! -- White Witch

Genoh -- Partner, are you gonna let One Hot Babe do THAT to you.  Why that's
disgusting! -- Snow White

CACftDOF -- How silly of you?  Is this merely another of those FONZ conspiracies. --
Pandora Of The Pretty Legs, laughing at the futility of most things that the FONZCO
(FONZ Conspiracy Corporation) attempts

Nuln -- My fawn of a friend, you are correct.  White Weeyotch is one ugly creation.
The ultimate in ugly.  (Not counting Snotman.) -- White Witch

Manager -- Will you please keep your copied and plagiarized and FONZCO discriminating
(but fair) personals ads short? -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe

Boston T -- In reference to your ad past to Vas Deferenes, and I quote, "There's a
thing called Karma.", I wish to advise you NO THERE'S NOT. -- Tiny Tim's legal
counsel

Oh, yes, Lady A.  I agree wholeheartedly.  Size matters. -- Tiny Tim

Lady A and Ed. -- Of course.  Infamous is too local.  World Famous, well, it's pretty
big and global and all. -- The Aradi Free Press AFLCIO

     What about *World Infamous*? -- Ed.

One-Timer -- It was my pleasure to one-up you.  And it was a very cool and neat and
enjoyable one-upping. -- Tiny Tim

Ed. -- Your "I hear they (Award Winning and World Famous Aradi Free Press) won
something for the magnificence of their executive washroom" had us "cracked up" at
the various Consortium guildhouses all over Alastari. -- The Consortium Elders

Soultaker -- Sir, can I use your new, beautiful throne? -- Tiny Tim

Fonzites -- Man are you folks whoopin' the crap out of this TOGS tourney.  I put a 20
spot down on the 1000-1 longshot and Nulnman; you boys could get me a huge pay-off,
tear em' up!  Stud, how have you been keeping your points up only fighting five guys;
what happened to your partner?  Mannesam, boy the pressure must be building, it's a
race to the finish.  Have to admit this has been a very interesting tournament, good
luck to you all!!! -- Barnabas

Indy -- Keep the chin up amigo, you'll get your shot!  Be patient, just not too
patient; running out of time so kick some butt! -- Barnabas

Pauly -- Looks by your record you are consistent in getting your behind kicked, just
like old times, some folks never change.  I know, you make up for it in the
personals, don't always follow pop's advice, he enjoys watching you be a LOSER.  Hang
tough youngster, you're going through a change, kinda like how your folks are trying
to pottie train you, it just doesn't always work.  Keep trying, the flies are getting
thick and your trail is nasty.  That's how I figured out who was sneaking down to my
dock, you boys best stay away!!!  The Demon Muskrat is comin'. -- Barnabas

Street Satriani -- What's shakin' bro?  You're hangin' tough, lookin' forward to
seein' ya in a couple other arenas', hopefully no one in your alliance will be ticked
at me this time.  See ya around.  No frustration, that's what is kicking your butt,
keep a level head and just flow bro, you'll be ripping those strings. -- Barnabas

Nulnster -- What a show you are putting on, it's like the bases were loaded up steps
the Nulnster and one gets put in the bay, dude, you're smacking homeruns left and
right, Death there could be a new stud in town! -- Barnabas

Ganoleaf -- You have been extremely quiet, but doing a great job, dude you're right
there in the running, you boys definitely have a shot at this! -- Barnabas

Manager -- Is it time yet for the big move, I've been watching and waiting.  You've
been waiting for the multipliers to make your attack haven't you?  Very sneaky, it
may work however.  I'll be watching! -- Barnabas

IN THIS EPISODE OF ARADI'S MOST WANTED:  Bloodlust Mute

Silent Spocker -- Sink? -- the ghost of Chim

Funny, the only people I saw at my funeral were the 13 people who beat me. -- the
ghost of Chim Richalds, who will be missed by some people, and not others

Chim Richalds:  a study of a failed WoS experiment.  13(+2)-11(+1)-5-17-17-7-17.  In
the end he simply had too much working against him, as evidenced by his record.  Had
he been bonused, not done little damage, or even learned well, he might have been a
different person?  This now affirms even more of course my hatred for triplets.  I'm
like Rillion with out of control hatred for them.  Anyhow, as it is, we unfondly bid
farewell to a true loser! -- Nuln & Co.

Rillion -- Oh come on, revenge on Manager was so last turn.  Two turns from now it
will be all about my newbie basher rampaging through the ranks with a bloody maul and
leg-warmers.  But I was never very good at predicting trends. -- Nuln

Aradi Short Quip Winner Committee -- Dear ASQWC, I heard CACFTDoP say the AW&WF AFP
and the ASQ's were AOKDOHKEY. -- AAA (An Anonymous Aradian)

Ed. -- Diapers? -- Shmamy C

     Diaper = Nappy. -- Ed.

Detriot Street Peaches -- Huh?  The only way the blood would be on my hands would be
if after you killed her, you collected Leg Warmer Lust's blood and then snuck up on
me and poured it on my hands.  Anyway, it's a moot point at this point. -- Nuln

Lima Beans -- Never been much of a bean man m'self. -- the Avenging Scrod

     Lima beans are an offense against nature anyway. -- Ed.

Thanks Manager (the fighter) -- So imagine Nuln reading that fight with his blue
sheet, line by line.  Yeah.  Nice first fight match up. -- White Weeyotch

Seraphim -- Heh, well I had used up all the obvious ones:  Death Stub, Death Stump,
Death Pud, Death Dud.... -- Nuln

Lady A -- Well off course I haven't seen your desk; it is rumored to be hidden
underneath all the things on top of it!  I suspect it's been replaced by cinder-
blocks at the this point. -- Nuln
P.S.  Sheesh, you've got a twitchy trigger finger when it comes to telling people to
bite their (respective) tongues!  I didn't want to do this, but perhaps it's time I
unpacked my tongue-guard (tm).

Death Stud -- I think you came up with one yourself, perhaps inadvertently:  the Inch
High Private Eye.  Alright, you're in the book! -- Nuln

Lord Xiang -- Isn't that some kind of inverse, or perverse complex?  Man oh
maneshevitz. -- Nuln

Sunshine -- Tell Manager I said "hi". -- Shmamy Crockett

Hoscha -- I'll be awfully curious to read your personal this turn (if there is one).
:) -- Mrs. LWL

Snotman, Lady E -- Your three turn personals record just took a dip. :) -- Nuln

Snotman -- So how do you feel about bashers? -- Nuln

This is a personal ad. -- Manager

Hombre -- It's time to strike! -- Ganolus

Nuln -- I wish I could take credit, but you're gonna have to thank Ed. for
'weeyotch'. -- Ganolus

     Always happy to oblige. -- Ed.

Elephant -- You sumbeetch, I can't believe you flaked! : P -- Ganolus

Tiny Tim -- Congrats!  Much better you than One Timer. -- Silent Warriors

Nuln -- I'm guessing that was NOT the fighter you were expecting for my BF now was
it?  You were lucky to take the win but now the real bloodletting begins! -- Street
Legal (or is it?)

Well looks like with this bad turn last time it may be time to look at whom to throw
fights to!

Tiny Tim -- Well that really sucked for me. -- Elephant

Indimar -- I think your money will be returned real soon. -- Elephant

All -- I am going to cop out and go with the one required ad this turn.  If I get my
spot done I may write more. -- Indimar

Death Stud -- My challenges are not futile, they are idiotic!  How dare you slander
me like that!  Or is it defame me?  Libel?  One of those. -- Rillion

Hombre -- Everything is always my fault. -- Rillion

     *whew* That's a relief!  I thought it was supposed to be MY fault. -- Ed., off
     the hook

LHI -- The way TOGS works is if you were to give one of your guys 50 skills, he would
be dead within two turns. -- Rillion

Pauly -- Writing personal ads to yourself isn't too bad.  It could be worse, you
could be Manager and writing personal ads no one reads. -- Rillion

All -- I love TOGS. I love TOGS. -- LHI

All -- I have to keep telling myself that every day. -- LHI

TUM -- Can you feel the basic arena burn out already? -- LHI

Street Legal -- It is I, Swordhead, from the Keepers of the Order of the Hades
Alliance!  You and the Vendetta Cartel shouldn't have messed with our friends, the
Shards of Death Confederation!  Now your TOGS team will pay the ultimate price,
because we're out for revenge! -- Swordhead

Street Legal -- <rips off mask>  Hah!  I am Swordhead!  With all the times your
alliance is getting called out, I bet you thought that was real, huh? -- Manager

Rillion -- Oh no!  Whatever will I do now that you aren't accepting my apology?  I've
lost my will to live. -- Manager

Nuln -- I am using the same strategy I'm using in TOGS I, when I first won the TOGS.
That is--no plotting or scheming just kicking butt!  (Except that I still need to do
the kicking butt part of my plan) -- Manager

The Sandman -- Ah, but do you know which height I was talking about?  (Maybe you do.)
-- Manager

TUM -- I will never get how you don't get Java, or Madonna, but one thing I share
your love for is Bill Simmons.  (We have the exact same taste in non-sports related
TV shows it seems.) -- Manager

Soultaker -- Like you haven't dusted it off 6 months ago already!  I should have
taken up the offer to plot against you in Zalcon! -- Manager

Seraphim -- You only have 3 more turns to kill Malt-O-Meal.  Get to it! -- Manager

Nuln -- It's on! -- Samwise

TUM -- That spotlight didn't make a lick of sense.  Enjoyed it nonetheless! --
Samwise

Creepster -- Loved the spotlight!  But, business is even slower than it was at the
S&M Club.  That was, as we all know, because of my former partner.  But, I can't for
the life of me figure out why anyone would think I don't know how to recommend diet
products and supplements! -- Samwise

Creepster -- I've lost neither my Malt nor my Meal, thank you very much!  The reason
I sat out will become clear in time. -- Malt-O-Meal

The multipliers are upon us!  This ought to get interesting.... -- Samwise

All -- Not that my stories have been any good anyway, but my warrior Nigel Stapler
got edited...which is a huge disappointment considering that it wasn't in all that
bad of taste, especially compared to the things that are written every turn in this
arena.  It would have made the story at least just a little funnier.  Not a lot, but
a little. -- Hombre

     The spot got edited because the warrior got edited (sometimes it really ISN'T my
fault).  Consistency and all that. -- Ed., getting more and more tempted to do global
replacement of random nouns and verbs on ALL the spotlights--that WOULD be funny
     P.S.  What, in the name of all that's holy, is wrong with GOOD taste anyway.
There are lots of funny things which do not involve body waste or genitalia.  Truly
there are.

Ganolus -- I warned you that Nappy Dugout had nice faves. -- Snotman

Death Stud -- Actually, as chair of the FONZ non-alliance sub-committee on alliances
and semantics I wanted to talk to you about that.  The sub-committee all agrees that
if it looks like and alliance and smells like an alliance it's probably an alliance.
-- Snotman

Mannequin -- Darn, he said that your hostess snack cake is only one inch long.  Are
you going to take that? -- Snotman

Rillion -- Trying to convert an actual story to a TOGS spotlight kinda sucks.  I
don't know how you did 13 installments of Rilly and the Chocolate Factory. -- Snotman

Nuln -- I totally got that Mutant Goose the Goose was trying us about Chim Richalds.
I may be no Sherlock McNuln, but even I can figure that out. -- Snotman

The LBA -- I thought that you got lucky the first time but apparently I was wrong.
You pasted me pretty soundly -- 3d's Not l33t

Lord Xiang -- I can not tell you how impressed I am with your participation.  I have
enjoyed your spotlights and personals and you sure you are not a closet Andorian? --
Soultaker

Lady A -- I am in charge.  I just like to let her think she is. -- Soultaker

     *helpless laughter* -- Ed.

900 -- Yay, I won another one!  And thanks for the learns! -- Natalia

Fez -- Cool!  I finally won one too! -- Iniyo

Ninja -- Enjoyed our fight.  You don't fight like others of your style.  I almost
didn't mind losing.  Almost. -- Manda

Small Intestine -- I admit you are better than I am.  But I don't have to like it. --
Analise

Fshizzle Mnizzle --  I don't feel like punctuating your name.  I don't like you.  I
don't like teaching either. I see that you're taking advantage of my good graces.  We
may have to change that. -- Thalia

Creepster -- Yeah, I'm glad I made it out too.  The hubby says thanks for the
compliment too. -- Lady E

Aradi Free Press -- Nice to see someone appreciates our efforts.  Are you sure it's
not 7500 to 1?  We've made it through over the TOGS, and we've even challenged a few
times and won, AND we're NOT LAST. :) -- Lady E

Snotman -- How the mighty have fallen.  Tsk, tsk.  Luckily I've never been mighty so
I've not had any long falls. -- Lady E

Soultaker -- How great to hear that dulcet twang of yours.  What a nice surprise.
We'll have to make it longer next time when I'm not in a crowd. -- Lady E

Nuln -- And my, don't you have the deep gravelly voice going on these days.  Very
sexy, babe. *grin* -- Lady E

Lady A -- Sheesh!  How many personals did you catch up on?!   I think there's a whole
page here.  Good thing I'm not into competition...much. -- Lady E

Lady A -- Torture...blackmail...nagging...gentle persuasion...blowing in the ears...
massaging tense shoulders...whatever works, right? -- Lady E

Death Stud -- You're welcome, my sweet cherubim. -- Lady E

Lord Xiang -- So you're trying to be the next Stephen King? -- Lady E

Nuln Baby -- I cawled...no awnser...I hate cawfee...how about chai tea with cream?
Mmmm. -- Lady E Babe

Ganolus -- No worries, dear heart.  We don't take offense at everything...just most.
:) -- Lady E
P.S.  Just kidding.  It's fun to read what you guys come up with most times!

Ed. -- Heya! -- Lady E
P.S.  By the way, how do you pronounce that and where did it come from?  Or is it a
typo for Hiya!?

     It was one of those things that just kind of happened over the years.  It's
     pronounced just the way it's spelled too (and NOT in pinyin, blast it). -- Ed.

Hello ALL!!   Happy Midsummer Monsoon Season! -- Lady E

LHI -- Did you realize we're not in 8th place!  We're going to shock the world!!
Then again, perhaps we already have by continuing to be here. -- TUM

LHI -- Have you looked at my squad?  We'll need to add TMM's 20 skills and make it an
even 70. -- TUM

Hawaiian Kona -- I like Lava Flows.  Ever drink one? -- Doodlebob

     I guess that's one way to get your minerals. -- Ed.

Gazrek -- I didn't expect to see you, you little demon you. -- Pearly Whites

Condi -- Sorry, Mr. Preside...oops, I mean, Ms. Secretary.  Pay attention next time!
-- Squiggnerd

Coyote -- I always knew coyotes were sneaky! -- Death Sponge

Erra Evad -- Evade!  Evade!  Evade! -- Sugar Bottoms

Snotman -- Your DM column last week offended my gentle sensibilities.
-- Death Stud

RILLION -- I APOLOGIZE FOR IMPLYING THAT YOU HAVE ANGER ISSUES.  I
WAS CLEARLY WRONG AND PRAY THAT YOU DON'T GET ME FOR THAT. -- DEATH STUD

Rillion -- You should definitely not let Manager off the hook for
those kills.  As he has said so many times recently, the results
speak for themselves.  "The results speak for themselves.  They speak
for themselves.  Those results, they are speaking for
themselves."  He's obviously lying because your warriors are dead,
aren't they? -- Death Stud
P.S.  However, when you are getting revenge on the sands, whether it
be against Manager or anyone else, winning is usually the best way to
go about it.  Just a hint for ya.

And if you think you're getting any personal ads, you're all dreaming! -- Lady A

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

HOLSTIEN HEAVEN was butchered by ARNIE SHEW in a 1 minute bloody Dark Arena fight.
HAMBURGER HELPER was viciously butchered by ARNIE SHEW in a 2 minute battle.
DON'T BREED! was assassinated by SEA MONSTER in a 1 minute bloody Dark Arena duel.
ZIG-ZAG MAN viciously subdued LEG WARMER LUST in a 2 minute gory Bloodfeud fight.
MONKEY PAW demolished STARLING in a 1 minute mismatched Bloodfeud competition.
MALT-O-MEAL slimly lost to SNOW WHITE in a 16 minute master's Challenge fight.
PINTO BEANS overcame CIALIS in a action packed 3 minute Challenge fight.
TINY TIM viciously subdued WARAGEN in a 28 minute expert's Challenge Title duel.
SUNSHINE won victory over DERRIN in a 2 minute veteran's Challenge duel.
JAMIS overpowered SYDA HAMMIE in a 1 minute uneven Challenge match.
MOUSE overpowered HURRICANE XXXVII in a exciting 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
PIZNAUL JIZNOKE devastated VIPER LXXI in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge conflict.
SILENT SPOCKER demolished SHMAMY CROCKETT in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge match.
BOSTON TERRIER was overcome by COYOTE in a 2 minute gory Challenge conflict.
LOOSE DENTURES won victory over JACK THE RIPPER in a 1 minute Challenge bout.
WHITE WITCH won victory over ANALISE in a 6 minute brutal Challenge fray.
SMALL INTESTINE devastated THE AVENGING SCROD in a 1 minute Challenge brawl.
RACOON HAMMER was savagely defeated by SUGAR BOTTOMS in a 3 minute Challenge bout.
LIMA BEANS was savagely defeated by TYVEK in a 4 minute veteran's Challenge match.
ZEROSE devastated NINJA in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE slimly lost to VAS DEFERENS in a popular 10 minute Challenge match.
B.C. GOLD vanquished MANDA in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge fray.
THE LBA defeated SQUIGGNERD in a popular 3 minute Challenge match.
OSO was defeated by ETTIN in a exciting 1 minute Challenge duel.
CEPL defeated SPINACH in a popular 1 minute gory Challenge duel.
SUTTY savagely defeated NIGHT HAG in a exciting 2 minute gruesome Challenge melee.
MADONNA was handily defeated by DOA in a exciting 1 minute uneven Challenge bout.
ONE HOT BABE handily defeated MEALS ON WHEELS in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
BIG DEAL was narrowly killed by TIGER TY in a action packed 3 minute Challenge fight.
WALMART GREETER was overpowered by SIGMOID COLON in a 1 minute Challenge match.
FLAMENCO A GO-GO defeated THALIA in a 2 minute Challenge fight.
RESPECT THE PACKAGE savagely defeated LOKI IX in a 2 minute gory Challenge bout.
THE RIDDLER easily killed KREE in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge match.
YELLOW JACKET was vanquished by 9000 in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge fight.
DAYNE demolished WHISTLE PIG in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge match.
RIP TORN was overpowered by MACS in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fray.
ROSCOE was demolished by KRAKEN in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge match.
HAWAIIAN KONA demolished HOFFA in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
THANKS MANAGER overpowered BRAE'TAC in a 2 minute bloody one-sided Challenge duel.
STONE COLD NUTS subdued AQUA NETTA in a action packed 5 minute Challenge competition.
BYAKUREN was overpowered by INIYO in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
DOODLEBOB was outwaited by URETHRA in a exciting 12 minute Challenge struggle.
ONE-TIMER overcame G DUBYAH in a popular 2 minute master's duel.
HOLLY SKULL devastated PANTHER in a 1 minute mismatched match.
SONETT overcame BLOODLUST MUTE in a 1 minute conflict.
VENREK outlasted HOSCHA in a exciting 8 minute veteran's match.
JAVA overpowered ASGARD in a popular 2 minute one-sided duel.
COBRA XXI was easily killed by WILLOW in a 1 minute gruesome mismatched bout.
DERS was subdued by HYDRO ON THE D-LO in a crowd pleasing 3 minute match.
BUTTERFLY was overpowered by DEATH SPONGE in a slow 10 minute gory one-sided battle.
HARSIESUS handily defeated CONDI in a 1 minute mismatched contest.
FUN IN THE BARN was beaten by BIN LADEN in a 2 minute struggle.
PRIVATE PARTS was demolished by RUTHLESS JAYWALKER in a 1 minute mismatched battle.
RUKGAZ overpowered ANNIE MULL in a 1 minute one-sided brawl.
SPAM SANDWICH was demolished by PESMERGA in a 1 minute mismatched contest.
RICKON overpowered BLONDIE in a 1 minute uneven bout.
NATALIA viciously subdued PINK in a popular 5 minute bloody fight.
3D'S NOT L33T handily defeated NINE HUNDRED in a 2 minute brutal one-sided contest.
GENOH outlasted KILLER in a tiresome 19 minute duel.
FOSKIE was viciously subdued by FEZ in a popular 3 minute bloody amateur's battle.
PEARLY WHITES was overpowered by LYNNE GWINI in a 1 minute mismatched bout.
AFTERNOON NAP was savagely defeated by SUPERIOR VENA CAVA in a 2 minute duel.
GAZREK overpowered AGREE TO DISAGREE in a 1 minute uneven fight.
NIGEL STAPLER was vanquished by WHITE WEEYOTCH in a 3 minute one-sided match.
FONZ COLLUDER was subdued by DEATH TO TEAM 2 in a popular 3 minute novice's duel.
SPOOLGK was bested by WREN in a 1 minute beginner's match.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|TOTAL PARRY                     31         TOTAL PARRY      159 - 138 -  2      54  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                 29         LUNGING ATTACK   159 - 147 - 12      52  |
|LUNGING ATTACK                  27         AIMED BLOW        94 -  93 -  5      50  |
|AIMED BLOW                      15         PARRY-STRIKE      12 -  12 -  0      50  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                 11         STRIKING ATTACK  128 - 143 - 11      47  |
|WALL OF STEEL                    7         SLASHING ATTACK   53 -  67 -  3      44  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   4         PARRY-LUNGE       13 -  17 -  1      43  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      2         WALL OF STEEL     41 -  60 -  4      41  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     1         BASHING ATTACK    22 -  43 -  1      34  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    1         PARRY-RIPOSTE      6 -  17 -  0      26  |

Turn 397 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

PARRY-STRIKE       1 -  0     AIMED BLOW         7 -  8         4  LUNGING ATTACK 
LUNGING ATTACK    14 - 13     SLASHING ATTACK    4 -  7         3  TOTAL PARRY    
STRIKING ATTACK   15 - 14     WALL OF STEEL      2 -  5         1  AIMED BLOW     
TOTAL PARRY       16 - 15     PARRY-RIPOSTE      0 -  1         1  SLASHING ATTACK
PARRY-LUNGE        1 -  1                                       1  PARRY-STRIKE   
BASHING ATTACK     2 -  2                                       1  STRIKING ATTACK

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
TOTAL PARRY      TINY TIM 6042              16   4  1  128 CRAZY CREEPS (207)
LUNGING ATTACK   SONETT 7088                13   2  3  118 SAAB STORY (389)
STRIKING ATTACK  SILENT SPOCKER 7700        10   2  0   88 SILENT WARRIORS (561)
SLASHING ATTACK  WILLOW 6659                 9   4  2   87 DARK TOGS (526)
PARRY-STRIKE     JAVA 7779                   8   2  0   84 THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
WALL OF STEEL    SYDA HAMMIE 6667           17  13  0   74 OGRES ARE US (270)
AIMED BLOW       LEG WARMER LUST 7717        7   4  1   66 4000 BLOWS (107)
BASHING ATTACK   ZEROSE 7741                 7   3  0   66 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
PARRY-LUNGE      BIN LADEN 7646              8   6  0   44 DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is DERRIN 6952.  The most popular warrior this turn was 
NATALIA 7790.  The ten other most popular fighters were HOSCHA 6835, TYVEK 7478, 
F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE 7639, SUGAR BOTTOMS 7690, DOODLEBOB 7877, FEZ 7878, HAMBURGER 
HELPER 7821, ASGARD 6892, FONZ COLLUDER 7885, and AQUA NETTA 7775.

The least popular fighter this week was KILLER 7876.  The other ten least popular 
fighters were GENOH 7847, TINY TIM 6042, SNOW WHITE 7486, BUTTERFLY 7338, MALT-O-MEAL 
7527, URETHRA 7851, VAS DEFERENS 7534, WHITE WITCH 7542, SPOOLGK 7886, and AGREE TO 
DISAGREE 7889.

The following warriors will travel to AD after next turn:

HOLLY SKULL (60-7276) CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)

The following warriors have traveled to AD after fighting this turn:

WARAGEN (60-5573) SAAB STORY (389)
HURRICANE XXXVII (60-7379) DEATH STUDS VII (301)