Date   : 10/06/2006    Duedate: 10/19/2006


DM-60    TURN-400

This Weeks Top Honors


(60-6042) [19-4-1,149]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

TINY TIM                       TOWER
CRAZY CREEPS (207)             LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)
(60-6042) [19-4-1,149]         (60-7892) [2-0-0,16]

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

DERRIN                         THE RIDDLER
WING HOVE (529)                CRAZY CREEPS (207)
(60-6952) [13-15-0,84]         (60-7852) [4-3-1,53]



Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. BIKINI BOTTOM (596)         48
2. 4000 BLOWS (107)            46      BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
3. SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)  42      Unchartered Team
4. DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)  34
5. WING HOVE (529)             25      LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 2 BIKINI BOTTOM (596)       40  24  4 62.5   1/ 4 THE BIZZLE (593)         11  4 0
 2- 3 SAAB STORY (389)         139 107 11 56.5   2/ 2 CRAZY CREEPS (207)       11  4 0
 3/ 4 DEATH STUDS VII (301)    469 375 15 55.6   3/ 1 WILD CARDS (148)         10  5 1
 4/ 1*LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)      5   4  0 55.6   4/ 9 DEATH STUDS VII (301)    10  5 0
 5/ 6 CRAZY CREEPS (207)       534 443 17 54.7   5/ 3 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 10  5 0
 6/ 5 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)    47  40  1 54.0   6/17 4000 BLOWS (107)          9  6 0
 7/ 7 WILD CARDS (148)         770 681 32 53.1   7/16 BIKINI BOTTOM (596)       9  6 0
 8/ 9 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 213 190 13 52.9   8/ 8 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591)  8  7 1
 9/11 THE BIZZLE (593)          42  40  4 51.2   9/10 CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)       8  7 0
10/13 ATLAS PARK (592)          44  42  1 51.2  10/11 SILENT WARRIORS (561)     7  8 0
11/ 8 THINGS ILL NEVER G (601)  30  29  0 50.8  11/12 ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)  7  8 0
12/10 GOIN' TUBIN' (577)       143 140  7 50.5  12/ 7 THINGS ILL NEVER G (601)  6  7 0
13/15 INQUISITION SG-1 (540)    22  22  1 50.0  13/ 6 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      6  8 1
14/12 SILENT WARRIORS (561)     68  69  3 49.6  14/21 ATLAS PARK (592)          6  8 0
15/16 CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)      104 111  4 48.4  15/ 5 GOIN' TUBIN' (577)        6  9 1
16/17 4000 BLOWS (107)         649 704 31 48.0  16/14 WING HOVE (529)           6  9 0
17-18 OGRES ARE US (270)       174 193  3 47.4  17/18 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)    6  9 0
18/19 AARP (583)                35  39  2 47.3  18/24*LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)     5  4 0

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
19/21 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      65  74  3 46.8  19-15 OGRES ARE US (270)        5  5 1
20/22 WING HOVE (529)           74  85  4 46.5  20/23 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)       5  7 0
21/25 SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586)  34  40  1 45.9  21/13 DILEN'S HORDE (587)       4  8 1
22/20 DILEN'S HORDE (587)       37  44  4 45.7  22/20 DILLIGAF LEGION (589)     4 10 0
23/24 ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)  46  56  1 45.1  23/19 SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586)  4 11 0
24/26 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591)  38  50  5 43.2  24-25 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD  (585)  2  2 1
25/28 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)       30  42  0 41.7  25/27 AARP (583)                2  4 0
26/27 FUNKY FOLK (565)          38  55  4 40.9  26/26 FUNKY FOLK (565)          2  5 1
27/29 DILLIGAF LEGION (589)     27  53  2 33.8  27/29 INQUISITION SG-1 (540)    1  0 0
28-30 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD  (585)  16  32  4 33.3  28-22 SAAB STORY (389)          1  0 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                    TEAM SPOTLIGHT

          + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Nightmare on Ed. St. ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                     the Stunning Conclusion (REALLY this time)

[at the GC underground teleportation field room, location... UNKNOWN!
<insert dramatic upswelling of music>]

     "Like, that was, like, totally albendraneous!" exclaimed the famed spy-retorter
Debby Tonte, leaping out of the teleportation field that spun in mid-air.  "I think
I'm, like, gonna hurl chunks of francium into a pond, like."
     Ed. graciously pivoted to the side, giving the spy-reporter clear path to the
ladies room.  Ed. hated teleporting badly enough, she really didn't need to see that
right before her trip.
     "Where ye goin', m'lady?" the voice of Novgorodny Vir startled Ed.; the old man
was sitting down nearby as he idly whittled on a piece of wood.
     "Believe it or not, Rodny," replied Ed. dryly, "I'm going to Aradi."
     Vir dropped the piece of wood he had been whittling (a perfect replica of Sheila
Greywand's big toe), his jaw nearly hitting the floor as well.  "Gods, no!  Why,
Ed.!?  WHY!?!?"
     "I could tell you, Rodny," smiled Ed., "but then I'd have to kill you."
     The old spy-reporter shook his head as Ed. walked to her designated t-field (as
they were called), stepping into the spinning blue spheres in front of her.

[moments later, Aradi, Samwise's private quarters, Childhood Trauma guildhouse]

     Ed. materialized just in time to see Samwise turn the torch sconce by his
bedside clockwise, which in turn caused a bookcase nearby to spin on its reverse
axis, revealing...a second book-case (brilliant!).  Samwise then reached for a copy
of "A Tale of Seven Scrod" off the third shelf, causing a loud <click> sound.
Opening the book, which Ed. noticed was full of cross-word puzzles, Samwise tore out
a page, and quickly filled out the puzzle.  Placing the completed puzzle into the
opening left by the "Seven Scrod" book, it slowly disappeared into the secondary
bookcase, whereupon a grinding, grating noise was heard.  Then in the back of the
first bookcase a previously hidden panel slid open, revealing a staircase above which
a sign hung, that read, "Samwise's Secret Strategemy Room, Down Thisaway" with a big
arrow pointing down.  Cackling as he descended (while of course never noticing Ed.),
Samwise shortly disappeared from sight.
     Momentarily distracted by all of Samwise's cool gizmos, Ed. tapped her standard
deviation ring.  The GC now had all employees wear them for some reason when
teleporting, something about saving on mileage.  Ed. tapped the ring once more, there
was a pop and a fizzle, and she disappeared.

[Aradi, on site at A.S.S. (Aradi Sound Studios), the shooting of the new comedy
classic "Weekends at Rascally's"]

     "Cut!" shouted the director, as Ed. abruptly materialized in front of the star
of the movie, Rillion.  He was holding up a lifeless looking man in a bunny suit who
was kinda stinky.  Apparently the actor/manager was just about to give some big
     "That's it, I can't work like this!!" Rillion snapped, throwing down his script
and the man in the rabbit suit, and immediately stormed off the set.
     "Call the anger management team, we'll take a fifteen!" the director announced.
     Before she could tap her standard deviation ring again, Ed. overheard a PR man
describing the plot of the movie to a member of the press as "the heart-warming story
of a TOGS Manager who carries around an apparently lifeless partner through 13 weeks
of hell and somehow manages to win the contest."

[main Aradi thoroughfare, Scrod and Broad (streets that is)]

     "Close enough." thought Ed., not wanting to chance it with the ring a third
time.  Looking around, she noticed her two friends, Lady A & E nearby, enjoying the
sun at an outside cafe.
     Their conversation went something like this:

     Lady A:  Boy, this TOGS thing sure is a piece of cake.  Ha ha!
     Lady E:  I know what you mean!  I had a facial, a pedicure, a manicure, mud-
bath, shower and aromatherapy, TOTALLY forgot to turn in my challenges and strategies
and we STILL score the most points in TOGS history!  Ha ha ha.
     Lady A:  Too funny, ahhh ha ha.
     Lady E:  Oh, and nice kill of Racoon Hunter.  Ha ha ha!
     Lady A:  Thanks, Starling and I *really* enjoyed that.  Ha ha ha!
     Lady E:  So did that Racket Hunter do something to annoy you?
     Lady A:  As a matter of fact, yes.  I was in the produce section at Scrodway's,
and that darned Rutger Hamhock grabbed a peach I had my eye on.  After that, it was
     Lady E:  Yeah, that was a sweet kill.  Ha ha.  Of Rutger Hamhock.  Or whatever
his name was.
     Lady A:  Yeah, ha ha!
     Lady E:  Ha ha ha.

[moments later]

     Ed. let out a deep breath and tried to refocus.  It was almost as if something
purposefully kept distracting her from her real purpose here.  Which was what?  To
murder the FONZ in the dead of night?  No.  Ed. concentrated, and by sheer will
remembered:  5 Ed. St.
     Taking out her map, she found her destination in relation to her present
location, and took off by foot.  Ed. always had a strong sixth sense, and she could
definitely sense an evil ominousness behind 5 Ed. St.  It had a dark power trying to
divert her attentions elsewhere, but this only made Ed. more determined to reach her
     Grey clouds swept in overhead, and a distant rumble shook the skies.  Ed. had
never been to this part of Aradi, and it looked as if her path was taking her through
a rough pie-slice of town.  The homes and businesses she saw got increasingly smaller
and more decrepit.  The few people she did  see appeared down on their luck, and
their looks were not particularly welcoming.
     Ed. didn't need to see the map again to know she was close now.  She had just
passed Howling Dog-Leg Alley, which followed Creepster's Cul de Nut Sac (he must have
bribed the naming commissioner for a small fortune), which meant the next street
should be--
     "Ed., I presume?"  A tall, dark man said, his face in darker shadow than the
clouds above.  But even the darkest of shadows could not hide the flaxen locks of his
musky mullet.  "We were told you might be a-comin'."
     Ed. froze, some ten feet from the man who somehow knew who she was (he also wore
white cowboy boots, she noticed).  Ten feet more, over his shoulder, Ed. could read
the street sign plain as day.  As she fingered the cold metal she had stowed close to
her backside, an old memory flooded back....

[an old memory flooding back]

     It was the going away party for her former co-worker at the GC, A/R supervisor
Herbert Kornfeld (aka H-Dog, Daddy H, or the H-Luvva) down at HQ.  He had been hired
away to supervise A/R over at Frafrejan Fred's Furniture Fancy chain, so it was time
to say goodbye to the baddest books man in the biz as he headed mainland way.
     And so it was that the H-Dog took Ed. aside during a quiet moment, and placed a
cloth-wrapped object in her hand.
     "Yo, E-D, I want you to take this," he said, and for the first time Ed. thought
she saw Herbert choked up, his adam's apple in his scrawny neck swallowing hard.  "I
won't be around to protects ya no mo'."
     Solemnly Ed. unwrapped the H-Dog's gift, her eyes widening when she saw the
     "I-I can't accept this." said Ed.  Gleaming in the pale moonlight was Daddy H's
famed Letter Opener of Death (henceforth referred to as the LO of D).
     "Take it, Ed.-Dog," insisted H-Dog.  "Dey finna have a two-fo'-one sale ova' at
Staples next weekend."
     There was no disputing this.  Herb knew all the dope sales on office supplies
within a 50 mile radius.
     "She got a wicked thirs' fo' un-opened envelopes." H-Dog smiled as Ed. picked up
the instrument for the first time.  Almost instantly she could feel her bloodlust

[back to the present]

     Looking at the man she now recognized as Lord Billy Ray Xiang, she could guess
he was trying to think of a witty follow up to his opener.  To spare herself, Ed.
drew her LO of D and with a primal scream, made a flying leap at her adversary.  But
all her LO of D came up with was a whiff of air--Lord Billy Ray Xiang had only been a
clever illusion!
     Her LO of D carefully tucked up one sleeve, Ed. proceeded cautiously down Ed.
street.  The pavement beneath her feet almost seemed to shake with nervous energy as
she counted down the numbers.
     "Eleven...nine...seven...."  Ed. stopped in front of the crumbling one-story
dilapidation with the number 5 sadly dangling by a single nail.  Looking down, she
shook her head, as lying unconscious beside the front gate was TUM, the haver-of-
evil-twin-guy and erstwhile TOGS legend-in-the-making.
     "You know it's sad when you start waking up from unconsciousness in *other*
people's spotlights." Ed. lectured as TUM began to regain awake-itude.  "Pull
yourself together, man."
     Mumbling an apology TUM stumbled off, leaving Ed. to face her demon alone.
Walking up the front path, she noticed the garden on both sides was completely black
and brown.  The only sound was that of Ed.'s feet meeting the ground, and the
repeated upswelling of dramatic music provided by the three-piece band the next
property over.  She reached the door.
     Just as she was about to knock, a light breeze swung the door open with a wheezy
creak.  Ed. could hear a dull throbbing, and she noticed the walls pulsing a crimson
shade to the same rhythm.  Ed. loosed her LO of D and stepped inside.
     Soon the sound of little metal bits banging against other metal filtered towards
Ed.'s ears, as the house seemed to go back forever.  Finally she reached the largest
room she'd seen so far, at the backest-most back of the house.  Awaiting her eyes was
the most vile, perverse creation of man she had perhaps ever seen.
     Constructed of a mind-boggling complex of metal gears and assorted pieces, a
giant clock-work beast stood over the newest model printing press, the Scrod-Master
5000.  From beneath the monstrosity was supported by a countless gaggle of twitching
and tapping legs, while a similar number of arm-like appendages grabbed letter tiles
at ridiculous speeds off of nearby shelves, and creating what appeared to be the
latest installment of blither from Nuln (ironically).  At the center of the diabolic
contraption, pulsing with a cruel blood-red light, was a food product Ed. had heard
spoke of only as fabled legend.  Yes, the Canoli of Capriciousness.
     "Beautiful, isn't it?"  a familiar voice startled Ed., and she swiveled to face
the soon not to be mysterious figure stepping out of the shadows.  His outfit, which
consisted only of a pair of leg-warmers, was a dead giveaway to Ed.
     "Creepster?!" Ed. asked in shock.
     "No, Hombre!" said Hombre, a shade of disappointment coloring his reply.  He
knew he should have picked a different manager name, he thought to himself.  He eyed
Ed.'s LO of D warily.
     "How did you manage to control the Canoli of Capriciousness?" Ed. demanded, her
gaze shifting between the Canoli-controlled metal beast and Hombre.
     "So many questions, so few answers." Hombre chuckled deeply, relishing this rare
role as arch-villain.  "I suppose any self-respecting villain worth his weight in
scrod would reveal his wicked plan now in the minutest of details.  Before killing
you that is.
     "But I have no self-respect whatsoever, and for my weight in scrod you couldn't
buy a vente half-caff-scroddacino at Scrodbucks, if you catch my drift."  Hombre
spoke casually and off-handed, and began to slowly pace in circles around Ed., while
the metal beast continued its work.  "But what I'd really like to talk to about is my
basher over in Jurine.  No no, Jurine, the town.  You see, Nuln has really turned me
on to the style, and I'm intrigued by their limited weapon choice and generally
crappy bases--we could be talking pure Duel II gold here...."
     On and on Hombre went about bashers; Ed. could see why TUM had passed out
outside.  Although not a violent person by nature, drastic times called for drastic
actions, and Ed. could not afford to wait much longer.  Besides, the LO of D in her
shaking hand was calling out for blood, and it could not be denied.
     With frightening force and precision, Ed. lunged with the LO of D, the tip of
the blade speeding towards Hombre's jugular.  At the last moment, the warm-ankled
manager ducked out of harm's way, the blade instead slicing a rope attached to a
     "Oh, you want to dance, do you!" cackled Hombre (inside he was very excited,
because he had always wanted to say that line in the capacity of arch-villain).  Ed.
didn't know how she hadn't notice it before, but Hombre pulled a tennis racket from
out of his leg-warmer and pressed a button on its pommel.  From the edges of the
racket metal blades sprung, and all the while cackling maniacally he swung it in
circles over Ed.'s head.
     Unbeknownst to the two, the rope Ed. had cut was the one structural piece of
integrity holding the entire hovel together, and while the two dueled in epic
fashion, pretty soon the walls and ceiling began to crack and cave-in.
     "You can't escape me, Hooooooooombreeeeeeeeeeeee!!" screamed Ed. as a giant wall
of dust and plaster rained down from above.
     Soon she felt raindrops on her head, and when her surroundings finally cleared
there was no sign of Hombre at all, or the Canoli of Capriciousness, or even the
Scrod-Master 5000 for that matter.
     Only the ruins of what was once 5 Ed. Street.

     the end

    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Superior Forces Turn 13 Spotlight ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     The sound of sirens could be heard in the distance.  'Is there a fire?' Manager
wondered as he sauntered in the directions of the flames.  Unsurprisingly, the sirens
were coming from the direction of the Temple of Khorne.   As he turned the corner, he
saw a mini-parade going on in front of the temple along with a three ring circus that
had been set up.  Hanging in front of the temple was a large banner, which read:
'FONZ Recruitment Drive Today'.  Manager rolled his eyes and decided to check out the
     To his surprise, there was actually a long line of applicants.  Most were people
he had never seen before and he suspected that some of the people in line weren't
even arena managers.  Naturally, standing at the front of the line were Indimar and
Elephant.  Ever since their old alliance, the Minions of Montezuma (a.k.a. MOM--
wonder why it never caught on?) hadn't quite worked out--the two of them were
desperate to get into a new alliance.  Any alliance.   Manager decided to go to the
entrance to see which FONZ member was in charge of the application process.
     "Hey!  No cutting!"  shouted Elephant.
     "Don't worry, I'm just going in to taunt the FONZ." responded Manager.
     "Oh.  Well then that's ok," nodded Elephant as Manager entered the Temple of
     After escaping the death traps of the Temple, Manager made his way to the main
temple corridor.  Death Stud was there sitting on a makeshift throne.  A snotling
that was the same size as himself was feeding him pieces of a single grape.
     "Death Stud!" Manager taunted, "How could you?  I thought the FONZ was a group
of friends and stuff that didn't care about tourney success?  Yet, here the FONZ is
holding a big recruitment drive bonanza in an obvious attempt to bolster your once-
again sagging tourney numbers."
     "What the heck are you talking about?" asked Death Stud.
     "You know, the big event outside along with the big banner that says: 'FONZ
Recruitment Drive?"
     "Oh yeah.  That thing," sighed Death Stud, "I'm afraid that once again, its all
Soultaker's doing.  You know that I have nothing to do with this or any of the
alliance stuff."
     "If you say so," cackled Manager, "Do you know where Soultaker is so I can mock
     "Probably in the West Atrium.  I'm sure you can see yourself there." Death Stud
dismissed him with a wave of his hand.
     "Ok then.  Good luck in TOGS," said Manager insincerely as he walked off.
     It was a few minutes before Manager reached the Western Atrium.  There were a
few new porcelain statues in the area and a noticeably empty spot, which had a sign
that read: 'TOGS V Championship Trophy' here.
     "Soultaker?  Are you there?"  Manager muttered aloud.  There was no answer.
Suddenly, Manager noticed drops of blood splattering on his cloak.  Manager looked up
at the ceiling and gasped. There was Soultaker's dead body, hanging from the ceiling
in a noose.  Not only had he been hung, but he had also been gutted by a pig.
Manager wondered who could have done such a thing.  It wouldn't be the first time a
rejected FONZ applicant had decided to get violent.
     His question answered himself when he saw Nuln walking into the atrium polishing
his Chaos Scythe.
     "Nuln!" said Manager in a lecturing tone, "Did you just kill Soultaker and
string him up?"
     "Yesseth." cackled Nuln, "Yes I dideth."
     "But why?  You've been doing such a good job and resisting your chaos lord
     "That's right," answered Nuln, "I have been pretty goodeth this entire TOGSeth.
But who can resist using the FONZeth recruitment drive to kill everyoneth?  Soultaker
was in my way, so I had to get rid of him of courseth."
     "I suppose this means that you're going to kill me now that I've stumbled into
your plan?" asked Manager.
     "Yesseth." said Nuln as he swung his Scythe at Manager.  Manager ducked back,
narrowly avoiding the blow.  Realizing that he was unarmed, Manager knew it was only
a matter of time before Nuln would get him.  It was time for another distraction.
     "Look!  Over there!" he pointed, "It's Inferno...and he's sober!"
     "Whereth?" Nuln looked around feverishly trying to find Inferno.  Manager took
the opportunity to run out of the hallway and into safety.   Now what was there to
do?  It certainly was no hair off of his head if Nuln killed off all of the other
managers again, but he felt he owed it to his sometime-allies in anti-FONZ to warn
them of Nuln's plans.  After being careful to not trip any of the alarms (he was
fortunate to have broken into Temple of Khorne several times in order to eavesdrop on
secret FONZ conversations) Manager escaped out of the exit and went outside of the
Temple of Khorne.
     The next step was locating the members of Anti-FONZ that were standing in line.
To his surprise, there were no members of there.  He would have thought that at least
Seraphim and Lord Xiang would have attended for the free food.  Suddenly, a figure
quickly tackled him down and dragged him behind a bush.
     Manager got up from behind the bush and saw a bunch of the TOGS Delarquans in
military paint and camouflage gear.
     "Are you with us or against us?" Ultraist growled?
     "What--what are you talking about?" asked Manager.
     "The FONZ recruitment drive." said Lord Xiang, "It's nothing but another plot to
get us altogether and kill us all--isn't it?" Lord Xiang put a dagger in front of
Manager's throat.
     "Delarquans aren't smart enough--I mean, did you guys figure that out all by
yourselves?" asked Manager.
     A look of guilt crossed all of the Delarquans' face.  "Never mind that!" said
Jekyll, "The FONZ think they've outsmarted us, but this time we're ready for them.
We're going to assault the Temple of Khorne and kill them all!"  The sight of Lady
A-Sop loading what appeared to be a rocket launcher momentarily distracted manager.
     "Wow...I must admit...I'm impressed!" said Manager, "It may have taken you guys
12 turns to get your act together, but you've finally learned what goes on in this
TOGS thing."
     "Now..." sneered Ultraist, "Are you with us or against us?"
     Knowing the Delarquans' history of invasions, Manager decided that he didn't
want to risk being on the losing side and opted for another distraction.
     "Is that LHI filling out a basic arena strategy sheet?" he asked as he pointed
in the direction behind Ultraist.
     "Where?" all of the Delarquans (including LHI) looked around while TUM muttered
to himself.  Manager took advantage of the distraction and leaped behind another bush
hoping the Delarquans wouldn't notice.
     'There is going to be some crazy stuff going on today.'  Manager mused to
himself as he dusted himself off and climbed to the rooftop of the Blind Cyclops Inn
to scope out the view.  In the courtyard, he saw Snotman, Ganolus, and the rest of
the FONZ donning armor and preparing for battle.  Did someone tip the rest of the
FONZ off about the Delarquans knowing that Nuln was plotting to kill them all?"
     Suddenly he was joined on the rooftop by the Crazy Creepster and his scribe.
     "Heebie Jeebies!  Yabba Walla Wing Wang!" said the Creepster.
     "I know!" said Manager, "This fight's going to be epic!  Both sides are
preparing for battle now."
     "Hey, look over there!" pointed the Crazy Creeps Scribe, "I think things are
about to get started right now!"
     Manager looked on as Rillion and Mannequin, having just gotten done from a long
morning of shopping, walked into the courtyard, oblivious as to what was going on.
As if on cue, Rillion accidentally dropped one of his packages.  Both Mannequin and
Rillion reached down to pick up the fallen bag at the same time and bumped heads.
The force of the blow sent Rillion rolling down a hill and into Elephant and Indimar,
who were still camping out in the front of the line.  All three of them landed in the
most awkward positions possible and snapped their necks.
     "It's an attack!" screamed Ultraist from behind one of the bushes.  The
Delarquan contingent immediately began to open fire upon the Temple of Khorne.
     "We're under attack!" yelled Snotman as he, Nuln, and rest of the FONZ ran
outside to do battle with the invaders.
     Manager, Creepster and the Scribe continued to watch the action from a nearby
     "Popcorn?" asked the Crazy Creeps Scribe as she handed him a bag.
     "Sure." responded Manager, "I must admit I always thought of myself as a TOGS
mastermind, but getting everyone to fight themselves like this while we watch is
better than anything I was able to do.  I mean they had to convince Soultaker to hold
another FONZ recruitment drive.  Then convince Nuln to take the opportunity to kill
everyone.  Then tip off the Delarquans and then tip off the FONZ that the Delarquans
had been tipped off and then arrange for Mannequin to wander by and start the whole
thing!  That was absolutely brilliant on you guys' part!"
     "I thought you were the one behind this?" said the Crazy Creeps Scribe in
     "It wasn't me," said Manager thoughtfully, "Wait--if I didn't orchestrate this
and you didn't orchestrate this--then who did?  Everyone else is down there."
     "That would be me." an imposing figure came up from behind Manager and Creepster
holding a large machete.....
A few hours later:

     Ed cackled to herself as she surveyed the dead bodies of all of the TOGS
managers and the rubble that was once the Temple of Khorne.  It was child's play to
manipulate everything the way she wanted it to be.  She was after all, the Ed.  That
would teach them all to start another TOGS!

 + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ GREATEST TOGS V MOMENTS AND HIGHLIGHTS ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

Come one, come all, vote for your favorite TOGS V moment/highlight from all of the
nominations listed below.  Please post your vote for all to see in the personal ads
next turn.

     1.  Manager's 0-5 turn on the 2nd to last turn of TOGS V.  This brought team 6
from being 27.5 points down with two turns to go to being 37 points down with only
one turn left.
     2.  Nuln avoiding himself the most.  Talk about trying to manipulate the TOGS
rules!  Although many view this as a failed brilliant strategic move, many others
view this as Nuln getting his just desserts.
     3.  Mannequin's killing spree.  Before this competition I always thought of
Mannequin as this quit guy standing in the corner, constantly trying on new clothes.
But now I'll think twice before turning my back on this murderer.
     4.  Rillion's paranoia and revenge list.  I think his bark ended up being worse
than his bite, but this was very amusing for much of the TOGS.  Please don't take
offense to this Rillion....
     5.  The infamous FONZ conspiracy.  I really can't believe that anyone was
surprised by this.  Did we forget to tell y'all that TOGS is a team sport?  Ok, calm
down everyone, I'm just kidding!
     6.  Soultanchor weighting his partner down.  I must admit that I don't think
Soultanchor did a good enough job of this with everything being said and done.  I did
however laugh my donkey off when I first read Hombre's spotlight.
     7.  Jekyll's clever use of the Dark Arena rather than facing a Bloodfeud.  Some
claim cowardice, others claim brilliance, I'll let you be the judge of this one.
     8.  The introduction of the nut sack.  I think most will agree that the nut sack
pretty much set the tone for this entire TOGS.  The nut sack actually ended up
meaning doom to some managers as they assumed that if the nut sack made it past the
censors, almost anything would.  This definitely was not the case as the censors
stepped up their game throughout the contest.
     9.  Hombre contracting leprosy in an attempt to find a replacement.  Now that's
dedication!  When the going gets tough, the tough get going!  Or something like
that...I still have no idea what Hombre did to anger the RUGS so badly.
     10.  Snotman's original cider.  Don't get me wrong, the Scrooge cider is good,
but I think that most people enjoyed it more when it was made by that one guy, whose
name shall never be mentioned again.
     11.  LHI taking time out of his rigorous tourney schedule to play regular arena
for six months with the likes of us.  I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm
impressed and I sure do appreciate the effort.
     12.  Lady Elysian and Lady A-Sop staying as lovely as ever throughout the TOGS
competition.  Hey, there's a Face To Face coming up soon, I'm allowed to suck up a
little!  Plus it's completely true ladies!
     13.  HAL going completely crazy with his responses.  I'm so glad HAL made
Rillion's revenge list.  I was seriously considering going Mannequin on his crazy ass
and then running to the Dark Arena when he tried to Bloodfeud me!
     14.  Snotman jellin'!  Who you tellin'?
     15.  Barnabas the pooh pirate revelation.  Who saw that one coming?  This is why
I stopped spying on people a long time ago.  I don't even want to know what y'all do
with your free time.
     16.  E-Tum terrorizing Aradi.  I have to say that I think E-Tum ranks right up
there with some of the scariest Aradi/TOGS villains ever.  I considered shaving off
my goatee for awhile there as I kept on startling myself in the mirror.
     17.  Sir Indimar Fallon finally proving that he wasn't crazy.  I gotta tell you,
I was shocked!  I really didn't believe that the demon muskrat existed.  Sorry Indi,
you da man!
     18.  How 'bout the non-participants!?!  Although Barnabas, Pauly, and Dilen were
not official TOGS participants this go 'round, I think everyone will agree that they
all deserve a special shout out.  Thank you all for participating without
participating if that makes any sense.  Hopefully all three of you will consider not
standing on the sidelines for TOGS VI.  Don't worry RSI, not anytime soon....

Personally, I thought TOGS V was a smashing success win or lose.  I sincerely look
forward to meeting any of you that I don't already know at the Face To Face in
January.  'Til then....

-- Ganolus Oakleaf, Silent Warriors

     + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ TOGS Spot #13 for Crazy Creeps ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                              "Tournament Of Champions"

     "Cancelled!  The final round of fights in TOGS are cancelled?!  Why?"  All these
exclamations came from the mouth (Well, presumably the mouth.) of Snotman.  "And
we're not in?  The best team is not in?  We got cheated!  Man, that FONZ Collusion
sure sucked this year!" whined Snotman to his partner.
     The story goes something like this.  Little Death Stud in one of his regular
acts of stupidity, decided to pull politics, since he was the TOGS Coordinator.  In
support of the liberal effort to "stop the war and give in to the terrorists",
Studanchor declared ALL fighting unethical, and the last TOGS fight round was
cancelled.  Yes, he did!  Furthermore he announced the final round of fights would be
replaced by a round of TOGS Jeopardy, with only the two top teams competing for the
TOGS championship.  Little did miniscule Stud count on the reaction from Mannequin
The Killer, because when The Deadly One heard of this final two-team match, he
threatened Stud The Small and Stud's children and Stanchor's pet sheep, and his tiny
nut sack--and 'bingo' Mannequin and Junior made it a threesome for the final
competition for The Championship Of the Tournament Of the Golden Scrod.
     The anxiously awaited night of the event arrived, and for the first time ever
CNN and ESPN covered a Jeopardy event live!  Small Stud, The TOGS Coordinator had
chosen LHI to be the moderator of TOGS Jeopardy as Studly wanted the most honest
person he could pay, scratch that and amend to find, to emcee TJ.  (TOGS Jeopardy)
    There the three teams were, seated at separate team tables together with their
partners.  Table one was Killer and Junior.  Table two was Soultaker with Small Stud
sitting on Soulie's lap.  The third table held Creepy (in a strait jacket) and
Manager The Magnificent.  The crowd roared at every single answer, right or wrong.
Periodically you could hear Snotman screaming above the crowd din, "We got rooked!"
     It was down to the wire.  There were only three "answers" left on the board in
Double TOGS Jeopardy.  All the daily doubles were gone.  (Small Stud missed both
questions as they were about basher design.)  The score:
     Soultaker and Small Stud $12,800
     Killer & Junior $7,700
     Manager The Magnificent & Creepy $4,900
And Creepy was in control of the board.  "Maggie waggy passeronious.  Whoopy doo dah
Manager oompaloompa."  (Which clearly meant that he passed the selection to his
     "I'll take TOGS History for $1000." said The Magnificent One.  FIRST TOGS WINNER
was the answer, which Manager quickly buzzed in and answered, "Who was the One And
Only Wonderful and Omnipotent Manager?"  The answer was, of course, correct, moving
the team to $5,900.
     "Uh, let me have that $1000 Ancient DM History." said Manager.  The board
flipped the answer FIRST CONSORTIUM MANAGER and Junior was the fastest to buzz in.
"Who was Doc Steele?" he answered with obvious confidence and glee.
     "Wrong", said LHI, quickly reducing their score to $6,900.
     "I know.  I know." screamed Small Stud.  So Soultaker lifted him to where he
could reach the buzzer.  After smacking the buzzer, Studanchor answered, "Who is
Pretty Pandora?"
     "No; no; the little dummy didn't mean Pandora." yelled Soultaker.  But it was
too late as LHI had already responded "wrong" and the score of The Chief Collusion
Team Of Small Stud and Soultaker was dropped to $11,800.
     Manager buzzed, and after conferring with The Creepster (some collusion was
allowed in this Team Jeopardy.) and correctly answered "Who was Fandil The Wise?"
Creepy and Manager The Magnificent moved into 2nd place with a score of $6,900.
     Ah, then the last answer, which is the $800 TOGS Trivia, is MACARONI OF......
     Manager The Magnificent was extremely quick with his buzz and the correct
question of "What is evil?".  That meant that the score going into Final TOGS
Jeopardy was:
     Soultaker and Small Stud $11,800
     Manager The Magnificent & Creepy $7,700
     Killer & Junior $6,700
For the final question, the partners were allowed to work together (e.g. collude) to
make their one final bet and one final answer.  The bets were concluded and LHI
revealed the Final TOGS Jeopardy answer in the category of Delarquan I.Q.'s:  LORD
     "O.K., Killer & Junior, you are in last place, what did you respond?" stated
LHI.  The viewing monitor indicated that they had bet $5,101 and their question was
"What is 50?"
     "Incorrect" replied LHI, "Taking your score to $1,599."
     "And Manager with Creepster, what did you respond?" The monitor indicated that
they had bet $1 and their response was, "What is infinitesimally smaller than Death
Stud?"  LHI gave a thumbs down, saying out loud, "Nothing is that small, except maybe
my partner's nut sack."  The score of Magnificent and Creepy dropped to $7699.
     Next LHI asked for the S&SS (Soultaker and Small Stud) bet amount, which was a
whopping $11,000.  The monitor revealed their answer--Ninety-nine.  "Correct!"
shouted LHI.  "Lord Xiang's IQ has been measured to be 99!  The Team of Soultaker and
Death Stud win TOGS with a Final Jeopardy score of $22,800.  Congratulations to the
     The studio crowd, and millions tuning in on ESPN and CNN, yelled and screamed
their approval.  Their noise level was only slightly higher than those booing and
shouting "Cheaters!  Colluders!"  There was an enormous disruption on the set as the
viewing monitors directed at Manager The Magnificent who was jumping up and down,
waving his arms, frothing at the mouth, and bellowing "Wrong; wrong; I demand a
verification on that answer; it was not in the form of a question; it has to be in
the form of a question; wrong; wrong."
     When the din died down, the producer entered the stage and indeed verified that
the response by S&SS had not been in the form of a question and was, then, incorrect.
The final score was declared as:
     Manager The Magnificent & Creepy      $7,699
     Killer & Junior                      $1,599
     Soultaker and Small Stud              $800
Now, then, the cheers and boos rose again, but Manager The Magnificent were declared
winners of TOGS.
     There was an aftermath to the whole TOGS final "battle".  LHI was found to be in
collusion with The Chief Colluders and he and Soultaker and Death Stud were sent to
the Aradi Penal Farm and subjected to three years of cleaning Aradi animal manure.
Only Soultaker was happy as be got to reignite his relationship with Betsy.  Manager
The Magnificent wrote a best-selling novel titled "How to Outmanipulate The World Of
Colluders".  He became even more famous and adopted the title of Manager The Most
Wonderfully Magnificent.  (leaving the days of Rageman, Manalger, Plain Manager, et
al, behind)  Killer later assassinated Junior providing his two reasons--his own
pleasure for having to carry such an dud partner, and a massive payment from The FONZ
for eliminating all the lackluster performing junior non-alliance-mates.  The
Creepster went on his merry way visiting all the Sanitariums in Alastari on a
periodic and repetitive basis.
     Politics were never again allowed to become a part of TOGS.

              + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ A Fitting End ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Being that "All Hallows Eve" is fast approaching there was a huge gala costume
ball held at one of the local Aradi Taverns.  Every single manager participating in
the ToGS was present, even those who had gone inexplicably absent (or just decided to
throw in the towel).  It was a grand event indeed and I'd just like to give a brief
summation of what everyone came to the party dressed as (nice English right?)!  Oddly
enough every single ToGS team entered the party together, rather than arriving
separately, and they came in order of the standings save for the fact that Street
Legal and Ghoti arrived first (everyone knows these two individuals never arrive late
to a party)!
     Soultaker:  It's no big secret about his bizarre "man-love" for his partner (who
else would've crossed their affiliation line for a Civil War, pre their dropping
interest in it, to fight on another's side, so indeed he was dressed as a larger
version of Death Stud.  The rubber mask was a fine likeness of the, to be politically
correct, vertically challenged Death Stud.
     Death Stud:  Well he came dressed as some guy named Sentinel I believe, though
I'm not sure because he seemed to have decency and a conscience (this makes me
unclear if he was dressed as Sentinel)!
     The Creepster:  He did not come in a costume.  Well he was in a straight-jacket
and claimed he was dressed as a mental patient but I think it was simply the only way
they'd let him out of the institution to come to the ball.
     Manager:  I have no clue what he was dressed as but he had a Golden Scrod trophy
glued to himself as well as MANY TC certificates taped all over himself.
     Nuln:  He came dressed as a, well I can't say it because of the "freakin' FCC"
but let's just say he came dressed as a nut sack!
     Snotman:  He came as a box of kleenex.  What else would a Snotman be?
     Hombre:  He came dressed in a strange black denim suit with silver inlays and
rhinestones and claimed he was dressed as some guy named "Ned Nederlander".  I
thought he looked more like this guy Lucky Day I used to know and Ghoti thought he
looked more like this fellow called Dusty Bottoms but I'll take Hombre's word.
     Ganolus Oakleaf:  What else would a Druid come dressed as?  Isn't this obvious?
He was dressed as Druish Princess Vespa!
     Samwise the Bald:  Dressed of course as Frodo Baggins!  Enough said.
     Mannequin:  Now this guy is indeed no dummy  :P  Sorry I couldn't resist that
set up.  He came dressed in a black cape carrying a sickle.  I'm guessing he was
dressed as "Death" but I have a strange feeling it was not a costume and he really is
     Indimar:  We never really saw him but Cyber Punk insisted he was close by.  ;P
     Cyber Punk:  I have no idea why but he came dressed as an Elephant.  And I still
have no idea how he made those back legs move independently???????
     Lady E and Lady A:  Came dressed as each other...it was very confusing and I
don't think enyona will ba tha sema egein!
     Rillion:  Came dressed up like this crazy Doctor Phil character but it didn't
come off too well with all his rage issues!
     Rascally Rabbit:  He came dressed in a bizarre hunting outfit carrying a shotgun
and had this truly bizarre hat on.  He said his name was Elmer something but that we
should be "Vewwy vewwy quiet!"
     TUM:  Came dressed as what looked like a roll of lifesavers but it had some
strange word written across it:  "Rolaids".
     LHI:  Came dressed as a Butler and called himself Jeeves or Jiles or some silly
name like that!
     Lord Xiang and Seraphim:  Came in one of those really sweet intricate Chinese
Dragon costumes, y'know the ones where two people are in it, and were the smash
outfit of the ball.  Except every time they got near Mannequin he'd run off screaming
"They ruined my chance at ToGS."
     Farmer boB:  He came dressed as an Indian Medicine Man.  Oh yeah right I'm sorry
a Shaman.
     Mission:  He came dressed as Brad Pitt.  He said he was going to come dressed as
Tom Cruise but said that it was an "Impossible" thing.
     Ultraist:  What else?  He dressed up as Ultra-Man!  OH wait has anybody ever
seen the two of them at the same time?  Could he be?  Nah....
     Jekyll:  Came dressed as a Chicken...and let's leave it at that please!
     Tig Toad:  Came dressed as Kermit the Frog.
     DMobster:  I was truly shocked to see any kind of Mobster dressed up like Elliot
Ness but then again nothing in ToGS is shocking anymore!
     It was a grand event and a fine celebration of Aradi's 400th turn, the close of
ToGS, and All Hallows Eve rolled into one.
     What's that you ask?  Ok yeah fine I'll tell ya'.  Me and Ghoti were there more
for the party so we didn't get into any elaborate costumes.  Ghoti came dressed as a
Scrod and I rolled myself in white parchment and wore an orangish-red hat that had
what looked like a wisp of smoke coming from the top of it.  Oddly enough we tied for
first place in the best costume award.  Fools wasted their time with costumes and the
simplest ones won!

            + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Samwise the Bald ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     It was the night before turn 400 in Aradi.  The thirteenth and final turn of 
TOGS V was the next day.  Many excited and anxious managers were gathered outside the
newest nightlife attraction in town.  It was the Grand Opening of Samwise the Bald's
new establishment.  Aradi had a lacked something since he had been bought out of the
S & M Club by Rascally Rabbit.
     A line had formed outside the building as all the managers and warriors from the
Aradi arena had received an invitation to the event.  Located near the arena, the
establishment was easy to find and convenient for the gladiators and their managers.
Looking up at the sign above the door, the managers and gladiators saw a chicken in
obvious gastric distress.  Below the chicken were the words The Bilious Chicken.
     Outside the door, two bouncers stopped each person before they were allowed
entry to the establishment.  Asking their names, they consulted a list and, if the
person's name appeared on it, allowed them entry.  At the present time, Manager
approached the front door and spoke.
     "Manager," he said.
     The bouncer with the list ran his fingers down the print on the page before him.
Not finding his name on the first page, he flipped to the second one.
     "You're not on here.  Take a hike," replied the bouncer.
     Stunned, Manager stood silent for a moment.  After composing himself, he asked,
"Do you know who I am?  Do you know how many times I've managed warriors to a runner-
up?  DO YOU KNOW THAT I WON THE FIRST TOGS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"  When it became obvious
that the bouncers did not care about what he was saying and that they were about to
remove him bodily, he turned away and walked away, to the hisses and jeers of the
crowd around him.
     Next in line was Street Legal.  Approaching the bouncers, he puffed himself up
with pride.  Speaking with a sneer, he said, "Street Legal."
     The bouncer with the list consulted the names.  Finding something, he pursed his
lips.  Handing the list to his partner, he said, "Hold this."
     Reaching down, the bouncer quickly withdrew a long, slender stiletto dagger,
and, in one motion, drove it forcefully up and into the body of Street Legal.  Street
Legal crumpled to the ground, dead.  Looking at the body, the first bouncer looked at
the second and said, "Dump the trash in the alley."  Before handing the list back to
his partner, the second bouncer looked at it and saw the words: Street Legal -- Kill
on sight.
     Once everyone had made their through the checking-in process, they assembled in
the Common Room of the Bilious Chicken.  Tables, couches, and chairs were spread
throughout a large room finished in polished oak.  Two large fireplaces cast warmth
and light into the room.  Samwise stood at the front of the room and greeted his
guests.  Behind him, where the bar should have been located was a large curtain.
     "Welcome to the Bilious Chicken, the finest inn and house of pleasure in Aradi!
Thank you all for coming out to join in this celebration.  Before drinks are served,
allow me to give you a quick synopsis of what we offer here."
     "The ground floor is our restaurant and tavern.  Fine food and spirits are
served at all hours of the day and night.  Should you find that you need to sleep off 
your consumption, we have rooms on the second floor for guests.  Now, should your
revelry leave you in need of the comforts of a lady friend, you may venture up to the
third floor, where you'll be sure to find someone that suits you.  On the third
floor, there is a door to an additional stairwell that is guarded.  Don't concern
yourself with it.  It merely leads to the fourth floor, where my private quarters and
the quarters of my gladiators are located."
     "Now that all the preliminaries have been addressed, please allow me another
moment's indulgence.  Behind me is the bar area.  In just a moment, when I call for
the festivities to begin, I'll draw aside the curtain and you'll be free to sample
our wares.  But, before doing so, let me say this: behind that curtain is my pride
and joy; my homage to the greatness of this city and arena.  It is, to be honest, my
greatest material possession in the world.  It will forevermore be available to all
of Aradi to appreciate from this day forth."
     "One final announcement:  beginning tomorrow, the winners of this TOGS will be
allowed to eat and drink for free here at the Bilious Chicken from now until the next
TOGS is concluded!"
     At this announcement, the crowd went wild, erupting in applause.
     "Also, every winner of duels in the arena will drink for free the evening of
their victory!"
     Another round of applause went up at this announcement.
     "Now, without further ado, let's get the festivities underway," cried Samwise,
pulling aside the curtain.
     A gasp erupted in the crowd.  The crowd drew its collective breath, then erupted
into cheers and laughter.  Somewhere in the crowd, a beating was taking place.  Cries
of pain and protest erupted as the person in question was being beaten bloody.  The
manager being attacked ran screaming from the Bilious Chicken, his maniacal, raving
date hot on his heels.
     Covering the walls behind Samwise, behind the bar, and down the hallway that
lead to the restrooms and kitchen, were images of Soultaker, wearing nothing but a
kitchen apron in the company of Patty the Fatty, wearing nothing but a tie.

                + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Wing Hove ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                           Party Time at The Scrod Shoppe

     The eve of turn 400 had given the citizens of Aradi an excuse to do what they do
best...party.  The entire city was awash in bunting and streamers of every color
under the sun.  Long strings of paper lanterns illuminated every street.  All
commerce had ceased, even those who had hoped to remain open to cash in on the
throngs of people filling the streets had closed up shop to join the festivities.
There were so many parties it was hard to tell where one ended and the next began.
There was one place where the lights seemed a little brighter, the music a little
louder, and the revelers a little more wasted...The Scrod Shoppe.
     Indimar and Cyber Punk had pulled out all the stops for their turn 400/end of
TOGS bash.  All the merchandise and displays had been moved to the storeroom and the
Scrod Shoppe had been transformed to an elegant ballroom complete with a stage and
large dance floor.  A raised platform to one side of the dance floor held tables
reserved for the TOGS managers.  They had brought in the favorite local band, Los
Lonely Scrod, to provide the music.  The Scrodbucks side of the building featured a
buffet of such epic proportions that it required a staff of thirty to keep it
stocked.  The entire contingent of Scrodbucks baristas was also on duty to keep the
crowd supplied with a steady stream of their favorite beverages, many of which were
of a more adult nature than the typical daily menu.  (Indimar's personal favorite was
equal parts Scrodbucks Double Shot and Bailey's Scroddish Cream).
     Indimar and Cyber Punk sat at their table watching the crowd on the dance floor
and talking over their performance in TOGS.  Indimar, having just returned from a
smoke break with Barnabas and Street Legal, was having a tough time following the
conversation.  The fact that Cyber Punk was three or four sheets to the wind did not
help this situation at all.
     "Shure, ya could shay we was medi...medi... medi..ohhhcre," belched Cyber.  "But
I shay iss a moral vic..vic..vic..tohhry.  And I don care what that Consorshun creepy
deepy doo dah guy shays, yer the besh parner a guy ever had.  Buddies fer life, I
mean it...." Cyber droned on but Indimar lost his hold on the conversation and turned
his attention back to the party raging before him.
     He noticed that except for Ganolus, who was passed out flat on his back with a
bottle of some kind of cinnamon liquor cradled in his arm, they were now alone on the
podium.  He began to scan the crowd to see what the other managers were up to.
     His eyes were drawn to a glowing blue nimbus at the edge of the dance floor.  As
he pulled his bloodshot eyes into focus he realized it was just Nuln in his Electric
Blue Shark Skin Chaos Armor (tm) gettin' jiggy with Lady E and A-Sop.  The ladies had
only agreed to attend when Indimar produced a notarized document promising that no
managers would be killed at the party.  As entertaining as it was to watch the Chaos
Lord (tm) get his swerve on it was nothing compared to the spectacle that next drew
Indimar's eye.
     Dancing solo in the center of the floor, directly below the giant disco ball,
was Hombre.  He was resplendent in his Day-Glo Orange legwarmers with matching loin
cloth and mini vest.  He was, of course, oiled from head to toe.  An enormous blond
afro and a Glow In The Dark Nut Sack (tm) completed his outfit.  As he ratcheted
around in his signature sprinkler move the gyration of his hips caused his luminous
nut sack to spin like a propeller before his pelvis.  He had it whirling so fast it
created the illusion of a pale green halo in front of Hombre's crotch.  After a few
seconds Indimar had to look away as he began to feel quite dizzy.
     As Indimar surveyed the rest of the room he found things to be following the
normal pattern.  Snotman was doing ridiculously long "Risky Business" slides back and
forth across the dance floor.  Over by the bar Death Stud and Soultaker were doing
shots of Scrodschlager and taking turns trying to ride each others' shoulders while
Rillion was busily adding names to his latest revenge list at a nearby table.
Manager and The Creepster, wearing  matching "Ask me who won the first TOGS" t-
shirts, were mingling their way around the room no doubt spreading more rumors of
collusion wherever someone would listen.  The Creepster was obviously feeling no pain
as the trousers he was wearing earlier had been replaced with a pair of the brightest
pink pantaloons Indimar had ever seen.
     Realizing it had been some time since he had heard Cyber speaking Indimar looked
over to find his partner passed out with his head resting on his nut sack.  Indimar
rose from his chair and draped his cape over Cyber Punk's shoulders.
     "Get all the rest you can, little buddy," he said quietly, "you're gonna need 
it.  The last two TOGS should have convinced them all we are no threat.  Won't they
be shocked next TOGS when we no longer hold back and make The Golden Scrod our own.
Muah... Muahaha...Muuaahahahaha."

See you all next TOGS.  Indimar and Wing Hove, out.

          + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Snotman's Spotlight ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                              Live! From the Red Carpet

Two weeks from now:

     "Hi, this is Joan Rivers."
     "And this is Melissa Rivers."
     "And we'd like to welcome you to the TOGS Awards red carpet, held at the
Blinking Starfish.  All of the most famous managers will be here and we have the
prime spot at the head of the red carpet.  So stick with us we'll get you all of the
celebrity info."
     "You generally see some of the lesser known managers showing up first and sure
enough here's Indimar."
     "And who is that hunky fellow with him?"
     "That's his son, Pauly.  A lesser known manager in his own right.  But he is
starting to make a name for himself.  I feel sorry for the other managers, there
won't be anything left at the buffet by the time they arrive."
     "Wait, are you saying that he's making a name for himself by eating Indimar out
of house and home?"
     "I'm saying that in 5 years Pauly is going to look like Samwise if he keeps
eating like that."
     "And who is this next, quite a surprise.  It's Soultaker, who is actually quite
well known."
     "It's clear why he is here early, trying to sneak past the cameras.  You might
remember that just a few turns ago he was fit and snottin' but that process has
reversed itself.  He is bigger than he ever was."
     "I hear that the stress of the final turn really got to him and he was eating
fried pork rinds like they were going out of style.  And then losing the TOGS sent
him over the edge, bingeing on marshmallow sundaes at 4 in the morning and covering 
his cereal in chocolate sauce."
     "The word on the street is that the real breaking point was when Pandora Pretty
Legs called him a loser after his failure in the Turf War and the TOGS."
     "I heard that she called him a lot more than that.  I believe the exact phrase
was, 'lily-livered, no good, TOGS losing, man-sow!'"
     "You'll notice that he is here at the TOGS Awards by himself.  Apparently he
replied in anger that, 'spider veins and wrinkly, sagging skin do not constitute
'Pretty Legs'."
     "As you can imagine, Pandora didn't take that well so he's flying solo at the
TOGS Awards and he's probably hitting the marshmallow sauce pretty hard."

Time passes....

     "Ah, here are the two managers that make up the once illustrious 'Team 3'."
     "I see that Samwise has been shopping at Patty's House of Muumuus."
     "Yeah, someone should tell him that a tent is never a fashion statement, no
matter whether or not Frodo tells him he's looking nice."
     "Mannequin on the other hand is always a sharp dresser.  A classic tux is a good
look for the TOGS Awards and he'll probably earn one of the coveted best dressers
this year."
     "The effect is kinda ruined by the fact that he's being rolled in on a dolly.'
     "And who is this behind them?"
     "It's the Crazy Creepster."
     "I never would have recognized him.  He is neither hand springing nor bouncing.
In fact he seems to be weighed down as if the burdens of the world were on his
     "He seems to have gone to the Bjork school of dressing.  What is that he's
wearing around his shoulders?  A goose?"
     "I think that it is an albatross."
     "I won TOGS 1."
     "I stand corrected, it is a Manalbatross."
     "That would explain the bucket that Crazy Creepster is carrying.  Every time
Manalbatross pipes up, he tosses it a scrod and it quiets back down."
     "And finally, behind them we have our TOGS winners, team 9.  I say, Snotman
appears to have an enormously swollen head."
     "Let me see!"
     "Calm down, I'm referring to the physical manifestation of his ego."
     "And you say it's huge?"
     "Chill out darling, I'm talking about his head, the one that does the thinking.
His pride in his TOGS victory seems to have caused a permanent increase in his head
     "Ach!  You are useless.  Oh dear, it appears that Snotman's head is so big that
he can't fit through the entrance of the Blinking Starfish.  Oh!  Now he's trying a
different angle but it's no good.  His head is too big to fit in the Blinking
Starfish.  Now he seems to have lost it.  He backed up to get a good running start
and charged at the doorway!"
     "Well I'll be, Snotman is in the Blinking Starfish."
     "Snotman is the owner, I'm sure he knows exactly what it takes to get inside the
Blinking Starfish."
     "Now that his teammate has entered the Blinking Starfish, Nuln is strutting down
the red carpet."
     "Nuln!  Nuln!  That is a wild outfit you are wearing, with the fur trench coat
and the cane.  Are you some sort of pimp?"
     "Are you proud of your TOGS victory?"
     "Skeet skeet!"
     "Nice grill.  Is it new?"
     "Um, thanks for the interview."

Inside the TOGS Awards

     "Now to accept their award for first place in the TOGS, I'd like to invite Nuln
and Snotman up to the stage!"
     "Thank you, thank you.  Let me just start by saying that this has been a great
TOGS and Nuln and I never could have done it without some help.  No, I'm not talking
about the FONZ Collusion Council.  There is no Collusion Council.  Personally, I've
been avoiding the good teams and challenging the mediocre teams.  Manager made a
point about how often the FONZ members challenged other FONZ members.  What would be
interesting to note is how often they challenged other teams in the top 5 or 10.  I
have hardly challenged, Mannequin, Samwise, Ganolus, Hombre, Death Stud, Soultaker,
Manager & Crazy Creepster because they have good warriors and frankly my team sucks.
I have complete, 100% turnover since the TOGS started.  Four dead and a graduation
left me running whatever the RUGS gave me.  And the RUGS were generous but not
generous enough that I could challenge 21 witters with tourney fights under their
belts.  No, the one I'd like to thank is Manager.  When he put those 500:1 odds on
Nuln and I, he pushed us below the radar.  We've been in third place for a really
long time but all of the focus has been on the top two teams.  Thank Manager, we
couldn't have done it without you.  Now my partner has some words he'd like to say."
     "Ah skeet skeet, got quick shorty, make it drop now, twist shorty, shake your
back shorty, ah skeet skeet skeet, a say what, skeet skeet skeet skeet, let's get it
goin, skeet skeet skeet, come on aww skeet skeet, skeet skeet skeet, ahh ahh that
ain't crunk enough."
     "Um, yeah, thanks for those words of wisdom, Nuln.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
         -----     -----     -----    Soultaker    -----     -----     -----

     The observer continued to make his rounds trying to find all of the contestants.
It wasn't long before he caught up with Indimar and Cyber Punk.  As the observer drew
closer, he was able to see Manager and Creepster pulled up along side of the other
boat.  They seemed to be in a heavy argument.
     "This is our spot.  You were told to fish over near the right bank," Manager
     "We chose not to go where you said," Indimar tartly replied.
     "I thought we had a deal.  You were supposed to help us defeat the foul FONZ and
I would let you join up with one of my many dissolved alliances.  You know who you
are dealing with," Manager demanded.
     "Yeah we know who and what you are.  We have seen the piles of bones of those
that you have left in your trail," Cyber Punk spat back.
     "You have no shot at winning; why not help us destroy the FONZ.  They never
asked you to join their precious non-alliance alliance.  You are all friends and
still they treat you like nobodies.  I offered you a chance to be part of a great
gathering to ruin the pathetic FONZ," Manager babbled on.
     "No what you offered was for us to let you have all the best fishing spots, and
for us to take up all the other probable holding areas.  We may not win this but we
are fighting a fair fight till the end.  Will you be able to say that when it is
over?  Now shove off, we have a lot of fishing to get done," Indimar turned his back
on the blubbering Manager and tossed out his line.  Cyber Punk took his oar and
pushed the intruding boat away from them.
     "Just see if I ask any of you to join my next alliance," Manager huffed as he
pointed off in the other direction and Creepster dutifully began rowing.
     The observer chuckled as he thought to himself that these were the strangest and
pettiest group of people he had ever seen.  They continued back in a circle and soon
pulled up close to Lady A and Lady E.  The last time he had past them, Lady E was
playing with a flaccid worm and Lady A had finally caught a man.  Curiosity getting
the better of the observer he called out to Lady A.  "Did your partner ever get that
flaccid worm hard?"
     "Nope, she finally gave up on it and pulled out her battery operated artificial.
She calls it her Night Crawler," Lady A chuckled.
     "I see you decided to keep the one you caught," the observer commented as he
pointed to the guy holding a blood soaked ear with one hand and baiting her hook with
the other.
     "Oh yeah, I decided to keep this one," Lady A smiled wickedly.
     "You know there is a size slot limit on this lake," the observer called over to
     "Yep, I sure do and he measured just under the limit.  More then enough to make
it a keeper," Lady A reached forward and patted the new addition on the head.  "The
best part is this one won't cost me any TC prizes."
     The observer continued on.  "This is strange we have made almost two complete
rounds of the lake and have not seen the number three boat," the observer commented
to his crew as he checked his clipboard.  "Ah yeah, Soultaker and Death Stud, I can't
figure out how we missed them," he muttered as he scratched his head.  They soon came
back around to where LHI and TUM were still floundering near the starting point.  The
observer noticed that LHI was still hunched over the oars and not moving.  "Is he
ok," he yelled to TUM.
     "What a stupid question.  Heck no, he isn't ok.  I spent all my time wasted on
preparing for this and putting in so much effort that I am not use to and for what,"
TUM swore.  "He sure talked a good game but he soon sputtered out.  He is also the
grossest person I have ever known.  I knew better then to spend this much time in an
Andorian environment.  I mean I was mentally prepared for the animals and the general
sickness of the Andorians, but no one told me about this pitiful excuse for a
manager," TUM ranted and raved as he kept smacking the inert LHI with his fishing
     Since he was so close to the starting point and finish line the observer decided
to pull in and await the end of the tournament.  He found that the time passed very
quickly as he relayed his day on the water to the rest of his friends at the lakeside
     The sun was getting ready to set at the end of the day as the entries started
rowing up to the dock.  The first to arrive was Indimar and Cyber Punk.  They tied up
and unloaded a sizeable load of fish into the basket to be carried up to the scales.
As they delivered the basket to the judges they were informed to relax and have a
seat as the weights would be withheld till after everyone was weighed in.  The next
twosome to amble up to the scales was LHI and TUM.  They were struggling to drag
their basket to the scales.  Ohs and Ahhs were coming for the small crowd as LHI
turned to the fans and waved.
     "Wait right there you two," the head judge yelled at the retreating duo.  Once
the judge had their attention he kicked over their fish basket.  "Just what in the
heck are you trying to pull here," the judged chided the two managers as the contents
of the basket spilled out for everyone to see.  There were seven smoked scrod and
twelve frozen scrod mixed in with a few sardines that had been taken out of a can.
     "What do you mean," LHI innocently responded. "No where in the rules does it say
they have to be fresh.  The rules stated that they had to be eatable."
     The four judges quickly gathered together and began whispering back and forth.
"Take a seat we will let you know our decision in a few minutes," the head judge
disdainfully told LHI.
     The next to arrive was Lady A and Lady E.  Lady A's catch of the day was
shouldering a basket up to the scales.  (Funny how her catch had lost his shirt
somewhere along the way.)  Although the ear had stopped bleeding the hook was still
in it and the line was attached to Lady A's little finger.  Lady E strolled along
behind her friend with her pole over her shoulder dangling her battery operated
artificial.  A huge smile on her face, she whistled and told the crowd, "Who needs a
worm to enjoy fishing.  All a woman needs is a good artificial and the good time is
     Next to arrive was Manager and Creepster.  With long faces they carried their
basket to the scales.  Manager wasted no time.  "I want Hombre and Ganolus
     "What is the problem now Manager," the head judge questioned.
     "They directly interfered with our fishing.  They kept fishing in the same spot
we had and they also would throw their lines right on us.  They clearly indicated
that they were not going to interfere with us and they lied.  They spent the whole
day attacking us.  I want them removed.  They stole our fish from us," Manager
frothed at the mouth.
      "We will take it under advisement and give you a ruling shortly," the head
judge professionally appeased the ranting megalomaniac.
      Speaking of the devils, the next to arrive were the ever dashing Hombre and his
bodyguard/stunt double Ganolus.  Hombre also sauntered up the dock in his pressed
sailor suit with the buttoned up flap.  Ganolus followed along behind dragging the
basket and watching the crowd to ensure the protection of his idol and mentor Hombre.
     Soultaker and Death Stud tied up to the dock and unload a batch of fish into the
basket.  Soultaker heaved the basket up on his shoulders and carried the weight of
his team once more.  Death Stud skipped along behind crying out for all to hear, "I
caught the biggest one, I caught the biggest one,"
     The judges waited a few moments and asked if anyone had seen Lord Xiang and
     The observer then explained how the two larqs stupidly blew themselves up.
     "Ok has anyone seen Samwise and Mannequin," the judge asked.
     "Yeah they decided to just row off into the sunset," Manager quipped.
     "Ok that leaves us with just Snotman and Nuln," the judge remarked.
     Just as the observer was explaining how Mannequin had accidentally blew them up
there came a shout from the shore.
     "Here comes one of the groups now," one of the spectators cried.
     Sure enough, walking out of the water was the team of Nuln and Snotman.  They
were covered with scorch marks and tattered clothes but very much alive.  As they got
to the dock they grabbed a basket and started filling it with fish.  Snotman reached
into his mutilated trousers and pulled out the largest scrod you have ever seen.  At
least six of the women in the crowd fainted dead away when he whipped it out.  They
continued to dump fish out of their boots and Nuln had at least eight fish in that
oversized chaos helmet.  Snotman and Nuln deposited the basket at the scales and
staggered over to the chairs.
     "Ladies and Gentlemen we have a winner and the winner of the first annual TOGS
fishing tournament is . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     After reviewing the results from last turn and point totals below, I have
decided to exercise my commissionerarial discretionation and declare the TOGS
officially over as of T399.  The results below are final, and I want to thank
everyone for their participation and everything they brought individually to
contribute to the TOGS and Aradi.  Congratulations to the winners, Death Stud and

T399 TOGS totals
                             TOTAL     Turn 12 Turn 12 Turn 12 Turn 12 Turn 12
TEAM                         POINTS     Fights  Spots    Ads    Avoids    DM
--------------------------------------- ------  ------  ------  ------  ------
TEAM 3                       773.5       108      20      0      -10
TEAM 6                        736         68      20      0               20
TEAM 9                       732.5       106      10      0
TEAM 7                       720.5       130      10      0
TEAM 2                       689.5        28      20      0
TEAM 11                       642         68      20      0
TEAM 12                       623         62      20      0
TEAM 1                        545         68      20      0
TEAM 8                       512.5        42      0      -10
TEAM 13                       416         22      0      -20
TEAM 4                        399         42      0      -20
TEAM 10                      211.5        54      0      -20
TEAM 5                        151         22      0      -20
TEAM 14                        0*                 0      -20

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
        -----     -----     -----    Death Stud    -----     -----     -----

When:  TOGS V turn 2
Where:  FONZ Secret Underground Facility

     "Where is everyone?"  Soultaker anxiously paced the perimeter of FONZ Secret
Collusion meeting room.  "I sent out notices two days ago that everyone was to meet
at noon today for a FONZ Collusion Committee meeting.  If we are going to crush and
pummel all the competition in Aradi beneath the jackboot of FONZ oppression, we need
everyone here and taking notes."
     Death Stud was reclining at the massive FONZ Secret Collusion table, chair
tilted back and feet up on top, trying to keep Soultaker from chewing down his finger
nails down to the quick.  "They'll be here soon.  Everyone knows how important this
     "How else are we going to prove how powerful and important we are if we don't
fix it so that the FONZ wins and that the evil Manalger is pummeled and humiliated?
This is neither the time nor the place for the place for FONZ complacency and
disinterest [Soultaker had apparently spent his allowance at the vocabulary store
this week].  There will be heck to pay if this goes wrong.  Mark my words!"
     Just then, the rest of the FONZ and the other members of the FONZ Secret
Collusion group arrived.  [I would list them here but am unable to since the list
only exists in Manager's imagination.]  They entered noisily, joking and laughing
with each other as they arrived.  On a somber day, this crew was boisterous, and
tonight they had obviously been more to one pub.
     Soultaker waited, tapping his foot impatiently for everyone to quiet down and
pay attention.  Death Stud could see the storm brewing in Soultaker's demeanor and
decided that he had better try to help get the room under control before his friend
lost his cool [not like that ever happened or anything].  Soultaker took his duties
as the FONZ Recruitment Manager and Social Director, VP of Collusion and Contest
Domination, Director of Non-Alliance Strategic Positioning and Public Relations very
seriously and Death Stud knew that he was seething at the lack of even feigned
interest from the conspirators in attendance.  Death Stud tried to get the attention
of everyone directed back to Soultaker, but with no luck.  Death Stud looked back to
his friend and shrugged.
     Soultaker cleared his throat conspicuously and waited for attention.  Nothing.
     He cleared his throat really super conspicuously again.  Nada.
     "Can I get everyone's attention?"  The laughing and talking continued.
     Soultaker's noggin was suddenly beginning to take on the look and color of a big
lingonberry as he tried futilely to get the other managers to focus.  "SHUT UP AND
     The room slowly fell silent amidst mutters of "man, chill out" and "what a jerk"
and "darn, what is his problem?"
     Finally satisfied that he had everyone's attention, Soultaker began reeling off
orders for who everyone should challenge and avoid, what kinds of strategies they
should use, who the primary enemies should be, etc.  Once he was done, he started
around the table to make sure that everyone had it right.

Snotman:     Huh, what?
Hombre:      Were you talking?
Ganolus:     Oh, I thought Hombre was writing this down.
Farmer boB:  I paid attention, but according to Manalger I don't count.
Death Stud:  DEATH TO TEAM 2!
Nuln:        Dingleberry!

     Soultaker shook his head in disbelief.  Head of the FONZ Secret Collusion
Committee was definitely not all it was cracked up to be when he took the job.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +


     A-Sop was packing up.  TOGS was in its final turn and she was getting ready to
leave Aradi.  Yes, she'd come back to visit, but she wouldn't be staying as much as
she had for TOGS.
     Lady A chuckled as she did some of the packing.  The bookies hadn't been
thrilled with either Lady E or herself.  They'd done much better than anyone
expected, and since they'd placed bets on themselves, a couple bookies were out a
great deal of money.  Life had its moments.
     Soultaker had come to visit, the two of them had talked about how the TOGS was
developing.  It had been a shock to many of the managers when Lady E and Lady A had
decided to join, it had been a bigger shock when they'd had a good showing.
Soultaker had laughed when A-Sop had mentioned that had she and Lady E bothered to
pay attention at all during the first half of the contest, they might have done even
better.  It wasn't that he doubted her, just that he knew her rules for dueling.
     The furry ones were trying to help her pack again, while it was somewhat
entertaining, it also had its downside in that packing took three times as long to
     A vacation always sounds like such a great idea.  The only problem, is one
person usually ends up responsible for the majority of stuff that has to be done, by
the time the vacation rolls around, said person is exhausted and really needs a
vacation.  Unfortunately, the same person is responsible for the trip back as well,
which means that once back from vacation, they need a vacation to get over their
     Why do socks disappear in the dryer?  There were two when they came off the
feet.  There were two when they were put into the laundry, why did an odd number of
socks come back out of the dryer?
     Why is the rule "If you want something done, give it to a busy person"?
Wouldn't it make more sense to give it to someone who wasn't busy and could spend
more time on the job?
     Why is it "If you want the job done right, do it yourself"?  What if you want
the job done left?  Or left after it's done?  If someone else is doing the job,
aren't they doing it "yourself"?  Or does the yourself only count if I do it?  Is the
yourself and themself interchangeable?
     Why do unanswerable questions always begin in the middle of the night when
you're supposed to be sleeping?  Why is it so necessary to answer those questions in
the middle of the night?  Why is it that when you do find an answer, you can't
remember it when you wake up in the morning?
     Is the glass really half full?  Is it half empty?  Does it really matter?  Does
the glass really exist?  What's the glass half full of?  What's in the other half?
Does it really matter?
     If a man speaks in the forest and no one is around to hear him, is he still
wrong?  Does it count?  Does anyone really care?  Does it really matter that he
hasn't got a clue and not only couldn't care less but couldn't buy one even if his
wife had given him some money that morning?
     Ah, the musings that occur when one sits down with no plan of action....

               + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Bizzle ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     I am going to take this last turn of TOGS to talk about my team and TOGS
experience.  I really wanted to use my 'real' 60 team Thieves Guild to participate
because my WORST warrior on that team is a 17-21-11 Striker.  I think I would have
had a better result, but since like most of us, I have been sucked into tourney
results, I had to sit out that team as there is a warrior I would like to sandbag for
challengers.  <sigh>  I realize it's easy to play the shoulda-woulda-coulda game, but
that team is definitely better.
     Then came 'The Bizzle' I wanted to run this team literally because it had a
parry-rip on it.  (My only one.)  Well, that sure was a kick to the groin.  Oh well,
on to my individual warriors statistics up through (but not including) the last turn:
     Piznaul Jiznoke - 15-3-18-21-12-8-7  Striker.  Came into TOGS at 3-1-1 and is
now 12-4-1 for a TOGS record of 9-3.  I was extremely happy with this warrior as he
learned freakin' parry skills.  Must have been the managing... (uh yeah, doubt it.)
Bright moment was revenge against G dubyah.  He beat me a while back in the mail in.
     Hydro On the D-Lo - 17-14-4-17-15-4-13 Total Parry.  Came into TOGS also at 3-1-
1 and is now 11-5-2 for a TOGS record of 8-4-1.  Not too bad as Off. TP's tend to hit
a wall around challenger adepts until they are highly skilled.  I think this warrior
got the best of Manager in our several battles which, although few and far between
for me, is a good feeling.  I will continue to fight this warrior I'm sure.
     F'shizzle M'nizzle - 9-12-8-21-17-4-13 Parry-Rip.  Look at those stats would
you???  God that warrior would have been good even as a Basher for cryin' out loud...
but I made him a Parry-craposte and he came into TOGS at 2-2-0 and finished up at 8-
8-0.  He wouldn't have even been that good if not for Thalia.  (Thnx Sooz!!)  I will
still run this guy because Parry-Rip is the only style I have not graduated.  (and
the fact I stated said fact, surely means he will die on the turn this is printed)
     I then had a run of really crappy replacements but somewhere in there, I came up
     Aqua Netta - 17-7-6-17-15-9-13 Lunger.  How on earth at 7-5-1 does this warrior
only have an expert in Init?  Oh yeah, cuz she is hosed in damn near every
category...  Thanks RUG's...
     and last and certainly least is Nigel Stapler.  I wont give you his stats, but
he's Size 20 and has a 15 wit.  He's a striker and after this turn... well, lets just
say Old Nigel is going to find out he's really afraid of the dark.
     Thanks everyone for participating, and Thanks to my partner Ganolus who had some
big damn shoulders this TOGS and carried the hell out of me.

-- Hombre

            + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Ushering Aradi II ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "'During the whole of a dull, dark, and soundless day in the autumn of the year,
when the clouds hung oppressively low in the heavens, I had been passing alone, on
horseback through a singularly dreary tract of country, and at length found myself,
as the shades of evening drew on, within view of the melancholy House of Chaos....'"
     Lord Nuln paused in his quotation. There, upon a low black hill, stood the
House, its cornerstone bearing the inscription 2006 A.D. (Aradi Dominates).
     Wayne the Goat, the architect, said, "It's completed.  Here's the key, Nuln."
     The man and goat stood together silently in the quiet autumn afternoon.
Blueprints rustled on the raven grass at their feet.  Raven grass was rare and hard
to come by, but Wayne the Goat was able to track down a tuft, and Nuln's clone
technology did the rest.
     "The House of Chaos," said Lord Nuln with pleasure.  "Planned, built, bought,
paid for.  Wouldn't Lord Poeness be delighted?"
     Wayne the Goat squinted.  "Is it everything you wanted, sir?"
     "Is the color right?  Is it 'desolate' and 'terrible?'"
     "Very desolate, very terrible!"
     "The walls are--'bleak?'"
     "Amazingly so!"
     "The tarn, is it 'black and lurid' enough?"
     "Most incredibly black and lurid."
     "And the sedge--we've dyed it, you know--is it the proper gray and ebon?"
     Wayne consulted his architectural plans.  From these he quoted in part:  "Does
the whole structure cause an 'iciness, a sickening of the heart, a dreariness of
thought?'  The House, the lake, the land, Lord Nuln?"
     "Wayne, it's worth every penny!  My Gods, it's beautiful!"
     "Thank you.  I had to work in total ignorance.  Thank the Lord you had your own
private ships and transporter spells or we'd never have been allowed to bring most of
the equipment through.  You notice, it's always twilight here, this land, always
autumn, barren, sterile, dead.  It took a bit of doing.  We killed everything.  The
necromancer did some diabolical spells.  Not a snake, frog, or Aradian fly left!
Twilight always, Nuln; I'm proud of that.  There are non-solar spells, hidden, which
blot out the sun.  It's always properly 'dreary.'"
     Nuln drank it in, the dreariness, the oppression, the fetid vapors, the whole
"atmosphere," so delicately contrived and fitted.  And that House!  That crumbling
horror, that evil lake, the fungi, the extensive decay!  Plastic or otherwise, who
could guess?
     He looked at the autumn sky.  Somewhere above, beyond, far off, was the sun.
Somewhere it was summer on the island of Aradi, a yellow month with a blue sky.
Somewhere in the sea, the ships sailed into the harbor of civilization--a beautifully
crazy city in the final turn of the TOGS.  The sounds of the screaming managers and
warriors were muffled by this dim, soundproofed world, this ancient autumn world.
     "Now that my job's done," said Wayne the Goat uneasily, "I feel free to ask what
you're going to do with all this."
     "With this House of Chaos?  Haven't you guessed?"
     "Does the name House of Chaos mean nothing to you?"
     "Well, what about this name:  Lord Poeness?"
     Wayne the Goat shook his head.
     "Of course."  Lord Nuln snorted delicately, a combination of dismay and
contempt.  "How could I expect you to know blessed Lord Poeness?  He died a long
while ago.  He wrote the great books of literary chaos.  All of his books were burned
in the Great Fire.  That's thirty years ago.  But I forgot you don't read."
     "Ah," said Wayne the Goat wisely.  "One of those!"

                                      SPY REPORT

     Hail ARADI!  Warriors of the arena, prepare to be praised and blamed for your 
deeds.  I want to know who's buying the drinks for who tonight at The Blind Cyclops 
Inn, seeing as 4000 BLOWS' 649-704-31 has earned them 6th place in the ranks.  The 
ATLAS PARK guild has had a 3-1-0 turn and deserves to be watched in the future.  You 
never know where this kind of thing can lead.  And let's see, TYVEK fought JIM PANZI 
and gained 25 points and contributed to DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2's 4-1-0.  Well done, 
ARADI, the Duelmaster was this turn's most challenged warrior.  Perhaps TINY TIM is 
not as thrilled, being challenged 11 times.  PANTHER challenged for the 
Duelmastership this turn, attempting to dethrone CRAZY CREEPS' warrior.  Defending 
his title for another turn, TINY TIM kept SILENT WARRIORS' warrior, PANTHER, from 
claiming the throne.  Tell me, is nothing sacred?  I have heard from unimpeachable 
sources that The Blind Cyclops Inn uses trolls in their stew.  Talk about gristle!   
     Oriental wise man once say, 'Hiding behind shields prevents proper sun tanning.' 
Inscrutable, but true.  I also notice that the BIKINI BOTTOM stable was the most 
avoided team this turn.  Come on ARADI, what are you afraid of?  And guess who 
avoided BIKINI BOTTOM stable the most?  Believe it or not, it was CRAZY CREEPS.  
Anyone surprised?  Tsk, tsk, tsk.  F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE, does your manager know you're 
challenging down 21 points to fight THALIA from ARADI RESORT & SPA?  It pains me to 
see warriors take advantage of the system like this.  F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE subdued 
THALIA, as if it surprises anyone.  In a brave attempt, DERRIN from WING HOVE 
challenged up 22 points to fight G DUBYAH from the DILLIGAF LEGION stable.  DERRIN 
perhaps got his just desserts, seeing as he bested G DUBYAH and ended up with 84 
recognition points.  PEARLY WHITES of BIKINI BOTTOM had better have a good reason for 
challenging down 14 points in a challenge which she won.  I thought PEARLY WHITES 
showed great skill and promise when she bested BYAKUREN.  All right, so I slept 
through it!  Big deal!   
     A coward dies a thousand deaths, a brave man only once.  Wise men know this to 
be true.  CHEER-O-KEE'S has some questions to answer.  Like 'why did you kill your 
fighter, LADY BUG, who had a record of 2-0-0?' GOIN' TUBIN' has lost SIGMOID COLON to 
the arena in the sky, but they don't seem to be worried.  What do you expect from 
6-9-1?  STARLING has departed ARADI, leaving BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS without their 10-7-2 
warrior.  Question, just what was hers team doing at the taverns last night?  Our 
condolences go to KARMA CHAMELEON, posthumously, seeing as ATLAS PARK did not revenge 
TINY TIM from CRAZY CREEPS for killing KARMA CHAMELEON.  Is it really true that ARADI 
has more dishwashers per capita that fighters?  Just thought I'd ask...   
     Thought for the day, a new sword shines bright, but the notched sword sings the 
sweetest.  It's been nice chatting with you, until we meet again, keep your swords 
sharp and your hammers heavy.  Until you see my quill in ARADI again, farewell-- 
Alarond the Scribe  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 TINY TIM 6042                19   4  1   149       CRAZY CREEPS (207)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 ONE-TIMER 7169               36   8  0   129       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 PIZNAUL JIZNOKE 7641         13   4  1   128       THE BIZZLE (593)
-SONETT 7088                  14   2  3   123       SAAB STORY (389)
 SHMAMY CROCKETT 7216         17  10  0   114       4000 BLOWS (107)
 MALT-O-MEAL 7527             12   4  1   103       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 SILENT SPOCKER 7700          12   3  0    96       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083             11   7  0    94       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
-VOLMAX 7592                   6   4  0    94       MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
 TYVEK 7478                    8   7  0    93       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
-SYDA HAMMIE 6667             19  13  1    91       OGRES ARE US (270)
 VIPER LXXI 7566              11   7  0    91       DEATH STUDS VII (301)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 HYDRO ON THE D-LO 7642       12   5  2    90       THE BIZZLE (593)
 SNOW WHITE 7486              12  10  0    86       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 SUNSHINE 7593                 9   7  0    86       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 JAVA 7779                     9   4  0    85       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
 DERRIN 6952                  13  15  0    84       WING HOVE (529)
 MOUSE 7318                   11  17  0    84       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 JAMIS 6735                   14  17  1    83       WING HOVE (529)
-HOSCHA 6835                  13  13  0    83       OGRES ARE US (270)
 VENREK 7477                  14   5  0    81       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 ETTIN 7600                   11   6  1    81       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
 LEG WARMER LUST 7717          9   5  1    81       4000 BLOWS (107)
 JIM PANZI 7382               11   9  0    78       FUNKY FOLK (565)
 BLOODLUST MUTE 7701           7   8  0    74       SILENT WARRIORS (561)
 SPAM SANDWICH 7524            9   8  0    73       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 BUTTERFLY 7338               17   9  0    72       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
 DEATH SPONGE 7692             7   5  0    72       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 SMALL INTESTINE 7535          9  12  1    69       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 MONKEY PAW 7854               5   2  1    69       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 NINJA 7357                   10  11  0    68       SILENT WARRIORS (561)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 VAS DEFERENS 7534            12   7  0    66       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 COYOTE 7626                  11   7  1    66       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
 WHITE WITCH 7542             11   6  0    65       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE 7639       9   8  0    65       THE BIZZLE (593)
 PINTO BEANS 7531             10  10  0    64       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 RUKGAZ 7564                   9   4  0    64       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 G DUBYAH 7611                 5  10  1    64       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
-ASGARD 6892                   4   4  0    63       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
 LIMA BEANS 7530              10   9  0    61       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 OSO 7682                      7   8  0    61       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 MADONNA 7780                  8   5  0    60       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
 LOOSE DENTURES 7573           8   9  0    60       AARP (583)
 ZEROSE 7741                   8   5  0    60       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 RESPECT THE PACKAGE 7832      7   2  0    60       WILD CARDS (148)
 B.C. GOLD 7787                7   5  0    60       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 PESMERGA 7813                 5   6  0    59       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 JACK THE RIPPER 7487         11   9  0    58       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 MANDA 7546                   11  10  1    57       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SUGAR BOTTOMS 7690            9   4  1    56       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 FUN IN THE BARN 7673          8   7  0    56       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
 KRAKEN 7679                   6  10  2    56       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
-CIALIS 7659                   7   5  1    55       AARP (583)
 NATALIA 7790                  7   5  0    55       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 THE RIDDLER 7852              4   3  1    53       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 BOSTON TERRIER 7638           8   9  0    52       ATLAS PARK (592)
 ANALISE 7544                 10  11  0    51       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 SQUIGGNERD 7694               9   4  1    51       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
-GREEN DISEASE 7718            3   5  2    50       MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
 DERS 7683                     8   7  0    49       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
-HARSIESUS 6871                7   4  1    49       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
-CEPL 6666                     8   8  0    48       OGRES ARE US (270)
 THE AVENGING SCROD 7649       9   5  1    47       4000 BLOWS (107)
 NIGHT HAG 7598               10   7  0    45       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
 LOKI IX 7860                  4   2  0    45       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 DOODLEBOB 7877                3   2  0    44       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 FLAMENCO A GO-GO 7662         9   7  0    43       ATLAS PARK (592)
 THE LBA 7810                  8   3  0    43       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
 THALIA 7547                   6  15  0    43       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 BIN LADEN 7646                8   9  0    39       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
-DOA 7773                      5   4  0    39       SAAB STORY (389)
 3D'S NOT L33T 7833            6   3  2    38       WILD CARDS (148)
 CONDI 7613                    6   7  0    37       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
 AQUA NETTA 7775               7   6  1    36       THE BIZZLE (593)
 URETHRA 7851                  4   2  0    36       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 STONE COLD NUTS 7848          6   2  0    34       WILD CARDS (148)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 WALMART GREETER 7576          6  11  0    33       AARP (583)
 GAZREK 7858                   4   2  0    33       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 TIGER TY 7665                 8   7  1    32       WING HOVE (529)
-MEALS ON WHEELS 7575          5   8  1    30       AARP (583)
 YELLOW JACKET 7627            5  13  1    29       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
 PEARLY WHITES 7855            3   4  0    28       BIKINI BOTTOM (596)
 WRATH LIX 7899                2   1  0    28       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 MACS 7797                     5   7  0    27       THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
 DAYNE 7826                    4   6  0    27       WING HOVE (529)
 HOFFA 7713                    7   5  0    26       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
-9000 7772                     1   8  0    26       SAAB STORY (389)
 POCY-HANTAS 7897              3   0  0    25       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
 PRIVATE PARTS 7798            6   6  0    24       ATLAS PARK (592)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 THANKS MANAGER 7864           4   2  0    22       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 BRAE'TAC 6895                 5   4  0    21       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
-RIP TORN 7850                 2   1  0    21       FUNKY FOLK (565)
 GENOH 7847                    4   4  0    20       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 WHISTLE PIG 7806              3   9  0    18       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
 INIYO 7865                    3   3  0    18       ARADI RESORT & SPA (580)
 ROSCOE 7883                   3   2  0    18       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
-NINE HUNDRED 7681             4   5  0    17       SAAB STORY (389)
 FONZ COLLUDER 7885            2   2  0    17       ATLAS PARK (592)
 LYNNE GWINI 7849              2   0  1    16       FUNKY FOLK (565)
 SUPERIOR VENA CAVA 7882       2   3  0    16       GOIN' TUBIN' (577)
 TOWER 7892                    2   0  0    16       LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)
 RICKON 7830                   3   6  0    15       DILEN'S HORDE (587)
 DEATH TO TEAM 6 7888          4   0  0    14       WILD CARDS (148)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 AGREE TO DISAGREE 7889        1   3  0    14       4000 BLOWS (107)
-PINK 7809                     3   3  0    12       INQUISITION SG-1 (540)
 EVIL XXV 7900                 1   2  0    12       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 WHITE WEEYOTCH 7881           3   2  0    11       4000 BLOWS (107)
 HAWAIIAN KONA 7853            2   5  0    11       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 CINNAMON RING 7908            1   1  0    11       WILD CARDS (148)
 BYAKUREN 7879                 2   3  0     9       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 KILLER 7876                   2   3  0     9       DILLIGAF LEGION (589)
 LOVITA 7891                   1   1  0     9       LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)
-AFTERNOON NAP 7861            2   2  0     8       AARP (583)
 ROCK 7905                     1   1  0     8       CHEER-O-KEE'S (557)
-SOLIDUS 7895                  1   0  0     8       LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)
 NIGEL STAPLER 7880            1   4  0     7       THE BIZZLE (593)
-SPOOLGK 7886                  1   2  0     7       OGRES ARE US (270)
-FEZ 7878                      1   3  0     6       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 WREN 7890                     1   2  0     5       WING HOVE (529)
 GETHSEMANE 7894               1   1  0     5       LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)
 SAND 7893                     0   2  0     3       LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)
-FIGGY 7898                    0   2  0     2       OGRES ARE US (270)
 BUCK INGHAM 7916              0   1  0     1       FUNKY FOLK (565)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD               W  L K TEAM NAME             SLAIN BY             TURN Revenge?
KARMA CHAMELEON 7636   9  4 1 ATLAS PARK 592        TINY TIM 6042         396 NOT REVE
ONE HOT BABE 7816      5  5 0 ATLAS PARK 592        SIGMOID COLON 7533    399         
STARLING 7630         10  8 2 BUGS, SLUGS & THU 591 KRAKEN 7679           400         
SUTTY 7685             7  7 0 THE BUNKHOUSE 595     SYDA HAMMIE 6667      399         
LADY BUG 7896          2  1 0 CHEER-O-KEE'S 557     ARENAMASTER HARKON 23 400 NONE    
IOWA 7918              0  1 0 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA 579  LYNNE GWINI 7849      400         
SPINACH 7789           6  5 0 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA 579  GREEN DISEASE 7718    399         
COBRA XXI 7725         7  3 0 DEATH STUDS VII 301   WILLOW 6659           397         
BLONDIE 7863           1  4 1 DILLIGAF LEGION 589   3D'S NOT L33T 7833    399         
SIGMOID COLON 7533     6  9 1 GOIN' TUBIN' 577      MONKEY PAW 7854       400         
KREE 6870              3  5 0 INQUISITION SG-1 540  THE RIDDLER 7852      397         
BIG DEAL 7811          2  6 0 OGRES ARE US 270      TIGER TY 7665         397 REVENGED
RACOON HAMMER 7709     7  5 0 WILD CARDS 148        STARLING 7630         398 REVENGED
TAY STARLE 6808       12 14 2 WING HOVE 529         SONETT 7088           396 NOT REVE

                                     PERSONAL ADS

     So...this is it, right?  No more TOGS until your Ed. stops bursting into tears
     at the very thought? -- Ed.

Soultaker -- I was never in Zalcon.  I have no idea who that charlatan was pretending
to be me. -- Manager

Soultaker -- Hah!  I didn't have another fine turn like the one I had before it.  I
did worse! -- Manager
P.S.  You do realize that the last time a manager had to be carried to the finish
line by his TOGS partner they won the whole thing right?

Creepster -- I'm sorry for my unforgivable performance down the stretch.  You're the
best and you deserve a better partner than me in future TOGS. -- Manager

Aradi Free Press -- You should have given the Blue Bonnet award to the Creepster for
his masterful piece:  "My partner is the best TOGS partner ever!"  Or are non-fiction
pieces not allowed to win? -- Manager

Rillion -- Ok I concede.  Challenge me again!  Please! -- Manager, needing better
than a 1-9 over two turns.

Nuln -- When you're a trendsetter like me, everyone tries to copy you.  I mean, look
at how many people decided they wanted to try and win TOGS after I did it! -- Manager
P.S.  Thanks!  It's almost as big of an accomplishment as the time I won TOGS I.
(Last time for this TOGS!)

TUM -- You and LHI coming back to win TOGS wouldn't be a punch in the gut, more like
a kick in the nut sack. -- Manager
P.S.  If your partner was the one who roped you in, you need to give him crap for
taking off.

Soultaker -- You were really sneaking in a subtle congratulations to yourself last
turn, weren't you? -- Manager

Snotman -- Maybe you should try and stop randomly matching up with your partner?  I
know, I'm full of great advice. -- Manager

Congratulations, Tiny Tim, for your repetitive Duelmasterships.  You have always done
your best work on top. -- All Your Crazy Creeps friends

Rewards for best spots last round from the AW&WF Aradi Free press:
   Blue Bonnet (1st)            Macaroni Of Evil IV
   Red Bandanna (2nd)           Melvin Carnival
   White Headband (3rd tie)     TOGSvivor
   Pink Pantaloon (last)        Wolf Fight
   Pink Pantaloon (last)        My 2nd Last Spot

Manageronious dogetty doo dah mega umpah heavy high de ho ho hodiddly! -- The

"....Snotman -- I don't really have any defense on the DM column thing other than I
haven't written but a one or two in the last couple years.  Plus, with TOGS admin and
overview, I'm putting in a lot more work than a silly little DM column already.  I'll
tell you what, though.  If I manage to get the throne back this turn, I will
definitely write a DM column for the final turn of TOGS.  Then I can thumb my nose at
you, Xiang, and Creepster who have all heckled me about it. -- Death Stud" ....- How
absolutely misleading and unfair of you Little Studnothin'!  How crass!  You knew
that your team had no way to compete for top spot, especially with you managing.  You
just stretched the truth to get our hopes up didn't you? -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe

Indimar -- Chafing is a very serious thing.  We are always glad to help.  Pink is
your color! -- The Award Winning and World Famous Aradi Free Press

Rillion -- We thank you for not writing a spot for us to judge. -- TAW&WFAFP

Malt-O-Meal-The-Recent-Consistent-Loser -- My tiny single digit wit can be a
disadvantage, no doubt, but surely not as much of a disadvantage as that single tiny
digit you carry around just under your tarnished belt buckle. -- Snow White

White Weeyotch -- Why are you using a flail?  Don't you have a manager training you?
-- White Witch

Tidbits from The Award Winning and World Famous Aradi Free Press:
   FONZ = Finally Over Nebulous Zone
   Dilligaf Legion is in last place
   The TOGS odds for the best Delarqs -- Ladies A&E -- keep lowering
   Suave is ghostwriting for TUM
   Lady A won The Medal Of Honor
   MEGA-Manager and Manager fought 32, 767 minutes and both lost
   Ganolus's Silent Warrior stable is a mess
   Regular arena play is for newbies
   TUM -- You're in TOGS, there is no dignity left
   Manabiase had another failed plan
   Ghoti has a lot of wolf friends
   FONZ = First Orchestrated Nincompoops of Zaniness
   The little fella can't hold his Scrodbucks
   Being hospitalized is not deemed n excuse for skipping TOGS
   LHI is a champion stroker
   Pauly's lawyer was caught drinking Pauly's B sample
   It is hard to get 69 Extra Fat and 12 Dwarf
   Samwise and Mannequin used to manager good TCs and TVs
   Ultraist got punked in TOGS
   Street Legal is the Dali Lama of Whiny Annoyingness.
   Snotman and Wayne The King played doggy
   Moby Scrod did awesome damage
   Bookie stole Manager's Avatar
   Traveling is rotten at the best of times
   Snotman and family visited The Heavy Petting Zoo
   FONZ = Foolish Oldfolk Nurturing Zithers
   Sunshine almost always makes me high
         Editor AW&WFAFP

"Manager -- Here's hoping that you have another fine turn like last week. --
Soultaker" I cannot believe you said that last week, Soultaker!  You cad!  Are you
going to repeat it this week? -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe

Analise -- I came, I saw, I conquered!  Read the book. -- White Witch (the first 3/4
of it only)

Sugar Bottoms -- You challenged ME?  Of course you lost, Tinkerbell.  Are you sure
you weren't trying for Tiny Tim and got confused? -- Jack The Ripper

Snotman -- We just want you to know that is just plain cheating for you and Nuln to
set things up to fight each other all the time.  No wonder everyone is so up in arms
at the various forms of FONZ Collusion!  You guys are just plain cretins! -- The
Crazy Creeps scribe

Zig-Zag Person -- You are as wishy-washy as a wishy-washy person.  I didn't have any
Zagnuts, so why did you pick on me?  I'm gonna tell the Seven Dwarfs, buster! -- Snow

Malt-O-Meal -- Need I say something, or should I just allow you to run back to your
incompetent manager leaving everything unsaid? -- Tiny Tim (the really offensive TP
of the two)

Malt-O-Meal -- Are they giving TC's away free nowadays? -- The Various Crazy Creeps
That You Keep Losing To

Loose Dentures -- I really rattled your teeth on that one, didn't I? -- The Riddler

Nuln -- What bonnet?  The Creepster asked me to tell you that he doesn't have any
bonnets for Soulstudanchor or anyone.  Would a jock strap do?  Size very very small,
right?  I will see if I can purchase one for him to give to Stanchor (Reads nice
shortened for Studanchor doesn't it?).  If you are truly looking for bonnets, I have
heard that TAW&WFAFP has a few blue ones left. -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe

4000 Blows -- Thank you.  Thank you.  You guys are so cool.  The cooleth! -- Tiny Tim

Nuln -- Thank you for your kind words.  I'd be rooting for me too if I stood a
chance, but I don't.  So instead I will cheer for you and Snotty to try to pull this
one out on the last turn.  Of all the top teams, you guys are the only ones that
didn't end up on my revenge list.  Also I will do what I can.  I think I've got one
to two down challenges each headed towards Teams 3 and 6.  So go get um!  If I can't
win this thing, I might as well help someone else win it. -- Rillion

All -- Thank you everyone for making TOGS V a blast! -- Ganolus

RSI Staff -- Thanks for all of your hard work and for putting up with all of us
through another TOGS. -- Ganolus

with a tip from the editor, here are all the "FONZ ='s" printed in the
AW&WFAFP during TOGS IV (in no particular order):

Frantic Orenthal's Nifing Zeldas
Frolicking Organs Needing Zippers
Fairly Ordinary Native Zulus
Fried Organic Nasal Zits
Forever Ogling (and) Nubile Zionists
Foolish Old Nut sack Zoo-People
Frolicking Ooglers Naughty Zaniness
Foolish Old Nerds Zany
Flustered Oozing Neophyte Zilches
Flimsy Old Nut sack Zaniacs
Fondling Oldsters Needing Zucchini
Freaky Oinkers Needing Zeal
Frustrated Orangutangs Nursing Zebras
Fumbling Old Neanderthal Zits
Funny Oinkers Needing Zucchini
Flatulating Offal Nature Zone
Funny Oldfolk Nervously Zipping
Freaking Old Nut sack Zero
Forlorn Ogling Noodlers (of) Zanzibar
Freaks Occupying Neutral Zone
Frutrated Oldtimers Nearly Zonked
Fine Organization Non-colluding Zephyrs
Finally Over Nebulous Zone
First Orchestrated Nincompoops of Zaniness
Foolish Oldfolk Nurturing Zithers

Ed., Death Stud, Granolus -- Thanks for all the work put into TOGS IV.  Regardless of
the outcome, this has been my favoritest one so far. -- Nuln

All TOGS IV Participants -- Thanks to everyone for lots of enjoyable reading, and a
well-played contest.  May the best team win! -- Nuln

Lady E -- *ping*  **ping**  Wait, I'm getting in something here.  *ping*  Yes, I'm
getting a definite feeling you will stay in Aradi after TOGS to continue murdering
helpless warriors in the arena.  And Lady A too! -- Nulnstradamus

Manager -- I really hope you don't win this, as I just might have to quit Duel II.  I
don't think I could handle all the time you mentioning how you won TOGS I *AND* TOGS
IV. -- Nuln

Creepster -- I have no problem with you winning the TOGS, as you never win anything
<zing>, but unfortunately your partner must go down. -- Nuln

Thrill 22 -- Good luck this turn. -- Nuln

Death Stanchor and Soulstud -- Alright guys, if you can't choke and give us the
title, just don't choke and give team 6 the title.  For aforementioned reason, I
couldn't bear that. -- Nuln

White Witch -- If I'm an elephant, you're a wooly mammoth.  Can I buy you a box of
Gillette razors for X-mas? -- White Weeyotch, your better in every way

Pauly -- That's it.  I'll never patronize Scrodbucks again. -- Nuln

Samwise -- Run?  Me?  Ahahahahahahahahahaha.  That's a good one. -- Nuln the

Snotstud -- What can I say, you are the wind beneath my wings. -- Nuln

Death Study-hall -- Nor I.  And so the shroud of FONZ secrecy remains... -- Nuln

Lady A & E -- I took your advice, and read that gripper, "Meanie Managers Who Kill."
Funny, I don't remember killing any of those people in the book that I talked about,
or even writing about it, or even submitting it to an editor for that matter.  I
think it must have been one of my clones. -- Nuln

Lady A -- Oh sure, blame it all on entropy. ;) -- Nuln

Lady E -- Nice story, but it could have been bloodier. -- Nuln

the LBA -- That fight gave Nuln an ulcer.  Are you happy? -- the Avenging Scrod

Wren -- Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. -- Agree to Disagree

Spoolgk -- Thanks, guv. -- White Weeyotch

Oso -- Exciting, no?  I think we gave Nuln another ulcer! -- L.W.Lust

Sunshine -- If it's any satisfaction to losing to me, now I can't get that darned
John Denver song out of my head (thanks, Mannequin!). -- Shmamy Crockett
P.S.  Tell Manalger Nuln says "hi."

Go teams 3, 7, and 9!!!!  Down with team 6!!!!!!!!!! -- Samwise

Snow White -- I'm guessing the long beard and funny outfit might have made you think
I was a dwarf but I'd have been about one of the tallest Dwarves' wouldn't I have? --
Zig Zag Man

To all -- A fine ToGS it has been it looks like the host and his <ahem> partner will
win but I'm still holding out hope that an "Anti-FONZ" team can win it.  And to those
who thought Manager to be the puppetmaster?  I won't burst any bubbles but it may, I
stress may, have been greatly over-exaggerated!!! -- Street

HAPPY TURN 400 ARADI !!! -- Indimar and Wing Hove

AW&WFAFP -- No more bloomers please, my wife is starting to look at me funny. --

Elepunk -- We made it to the end without missing a turn, a spot or personals.

Death Stud and Ganolus -- Thanks for throwing this shindig, it has been a blast. --

Sue, Ed., and the rest of the gang -- Thanks for everything, this contest surely
could not happen without you all. -- Indimar Fallon

Manager -- No more skirting the issue...did you or did you not win the first TOGS. --

Pauly -- Looks like your challenge choices are about to open up. -- Indimar

Due to circumstances -- Ghoti regrets his inability to participate in the last turn
of TOGS.

Sutty -- Sorry you are dead.  It's those surgeons in the morgue...er I mean in the
repair shop...err well you used to know what I mean. -- Syda Hammie

Manager -- The reason I changed my warrior's name to Death to Team 6 is partially
because you notice things like that.  It's no fun poking a stick in the hornet's nest
of the hornets aren't home. -- Snotman

Nuln -- Congrats on a good TOGS.  -- Snotman

All -- I hope you all choke worse than TGG & Rillion -- Snotman

Wild Cards, Childhood Trauma, Crazy Creeps -- Oh, I get it.  Last two turns, the game
strategy is to scum Lady E's team. -- Lady E

All -- You know, I actually READ WHOLE fights line by line.  But actually these
fights were both fun and frustrating to read.  I hate it when my warriors get their
opponents all desperate and it looks like they've won, but then they conk out first.
It's NOT fair!! -- Lady E, whining a bit
P.S.  This is getting really scary for me.  It could mean I'm getting into the actual
playing of the game--NAH!  Do you know it took me three hours to figure out who to
fight using a fight style list and then figuring out the challenge strategy and then
the if challenged strategy, and then after all that work...only ONE challenge went
through!  The stress and frustration is just not worth it for me.  I am after all in
the relaxation business, and figuring and waiting and all this strategy stuff is
definitely not relaxing.  Although it was great fun working with Lady A.  She is too

Lima Beans -- HA!!  I knocked you down four times, even after stumbling around
aimlessly.  That was fun!  -- Manda
P.S.  Of course winning is always fun!

White Witch -- Why is everyone in such a rush?  I thought it perfectly fine to stand
around and study you.  You are a formidable warrior after all.  I enjoyed our fight
as did Lady E.  She even gave me a bonus for knocking you down two or was it three
times and getting you desperate at least that many as well.  I almost had you.  How
annoying that I couldn't last just a few more seconds!! -- Analise

Stone Cold Nuts -- Got you desperate twice and then conked out.  Lady E says I need
to get more exercise and training.  *sigh* -- Thalia

Urethra -- Our only challenge that went through.  Whaddya know...the strategy worked.
Whoo hoo! -- Natalia

Gethsemane -- I had to write your name three times before getting it right.  Youch!
That hurt.  Does your name mean One Hit Wonder in Karnhornese or something? -- Iniyo

Death Stud -- Your story just made me realize how much I admire and respect you and
your self-deprecating sense of humor.  It's a big man who can be so comfortable in
who he is that he can make fun with it also. -- Lady E
P.S.  Enjoyed your story too. :)

Creepster -- Wuvikins telletoronious youse talewhaleatonic. -- Lady E
Translated:  Loved your telling of your story too.

Soultaker -- Loved hearing from you...but you forgot to mention my special worm
massaging gloves.  I never touch a worm without them.  Gotta be careful with
infection control procedures, don'tcha know. -- Lady E

Bloody Nuln -- I did bring on the blood.  And still it was not enough for you.  You
are definitely watching too many horror flicks. -- Lady E, tsking.

Death Stud -- So should Lady A and E be offended to see that we're not on your list
of remotely winning this thing? -- Lady E

Death Studdikins -- I didn't say that.  I agree with it, but I didn't say it this
time.  Although I am mightily surprised that massaging a worm got through.  *laugh*
I guess it's all about context and who's doing the massaging. -- Lady E :)

     Plus this thing is finally ending and I'm just too pooped to fix stuff (I can
     say that now because this is the last turn). -- Ed.

Lady A -- No wonder we're great partners.  We even think and talk alike.  (Re:  We
are Delarquans! -- singing to We are the Champions tune) -- Lady E, still humming

Ed. -- Loved the "This is TOGS.  What are you doing writing decent personal ads."  It
was simply riotous. -- Lady E, still chuckling

     And it wouldn't be funny if it weren't true.... -- Ed.

Soultaker -- Even if the only title we win in this TOGS is "First Delarquan TOGS
team" will be worth it to me.  *grin* -- Lady E
P.S.  Thanks.

Good luck everyone.  This will be the most waited for newsletter in all of Alastari,
won't it? -- Lady E

Snotman -- Maybe you can win a bonus at the end for the most partner partnered
fights...ahem. -- Lady E

All -- Well, TOGS is about to end, and I just want you all to know that win or lose,
the true satisfaction for me is that, well, TOGS is about to end.... -- Hombre

Rillion -- Way to hang in there bud, seriously respectable showing.  Sorry if this
TOGS left a bad taste in your mouth. -- Hombre

All -- Well it is all over and no matter the outcome it was some of the best reading
I have seen yet. -- Soultaker

Seraphim -- It has been a pleasure to have you with us though the TOGS.  Hope you
stick around and grace us with your presence. -- Soultaker

Lord Xiang -- The same as I said to Seraphim except I am not sure if I can take that
much more of you.  ;) -- Soultaker

Lathe of Heaven -- Welcome to Aradi!  I would say to ignore any the bozos,
ignoramuses, and blowhards, but that would make for a very lonely Aradi, indeed. --
Death Studs

White Witch -- Thank goodness for small favors. -- Viper

All -- It's the last turn of TOGS, I'm in Costa Rica, and you're not!
(Bwhahahahaha!) -- Lady A
P.S.  Thank you for the ad Soultaker!

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

LADY BUG was butchered by ARENAMASTER HARKON in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
PANTHER was unbelievably bested by TINY TIM in a 2 minute Challenge Title duel.
VENREK narrowly defeated SPAM SANDWICH in a 8 minute master's Challenge duel.
NINJA was defeated by JAMIS in a 2 minute master's Challenge match.
PINTO BEANS was devastated by SNOW WHITE in a 5 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
RUKGAZ was overpowered by SUNSHINE in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge brawl.
JAVA was overpowered by SHMAMY CROCKETT in a 1 minute uneven Challenge melee.
MONKEY PAW dispatched SIGMOID COLON in a action packed 1 minute Challenge fight.
DERRIN vanquished G DUBYAH in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
RESPECT THE PACKAGE was beaten by BLOODLUST MUTE in a 3 minute Challenge melee.
F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE subdued THALIA in a crowd pleasing 1 minute Challenge match.
LEG WARMER LUST handily defeated BUTTERFLY in a 2 minute one-sided Challenge contest.
FUN IN THE BARN was bested by VAS DEFERENS in a 3 minute Challenge bout.
SUGAR BOTTOMS overcame ANALISE in a 2 minute gory Challenge conflict.
OSO viciously subdued NIGHT HAG in a crowd pleasing 3 minute gruesome Challenge bout.
SQUIGGNERD handily defeated CONDI in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge bout.
TIGER TY was devastated by NATALIA in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge brawl.
FLAMENCO A GO-GO beat BIN LADEN in a exciting 4 minute Challenge match.
AQUA NETTA was overpowered by B.C. GOLD in a 2 minute one-sided Challenge match.
LOKI IX was handily defeated by COYOTE in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge competition.
WHITE WITCH beat MANDA in a exciting 4 minute expert's Challenge fight.
PESMERGA overpowered STONE COLD NUTS in a 3 minute gruesome uneven Challenge fray.
LIMA BEANS outwaited THE RIDDLER in a exciting 8 minute gory Challenge bout.
URETHRA outlasted HOFFA in a tiresome 21 minute Challenge duel.
PEARLY WHITES overpowered BYAKUREN in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
GAZREK overpowered SUPERIOR VENA CAVA in a 1 minute uneven Challenge match.
THANKS MANAGER beat GENOH in a 2 minute gruesome Challenge duel.
CINNAMON RING was beaten by POCY-HANTAS in a 1 minute novice's Challenge fray.
EVIL XXV won victory over HAWAIIAN KONA in a 2 minute Challenge bout.
FONZ COLLUDER defeated NIGEL STAPLER in a 1 minute beginner's Challenge fight.
WRATH LIX handily defeated WHISTLE PIG in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
GETHSEMANE was demolished by DAYNE in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
AGREE TO DISAGREE savagely defeated KILLER in a 6 minute novice's Challenge bout.
ROSCOE bested RICKON in a 2 minute gory Challenge duel.
ZIG-ZAG MAN was bested by MALT-O-MEAL in a exciting 2 minute battle.
ONE-TIMER bested ETTIN in a 3 minute uneven bout.
JIM PANZI was savagely defeated by TYVEK in a crowd pleasing 2 minute veteran's match.
SILENT SPOCKER viciously subdued DEATH SPONGE in a popular 1 minute gruesome bout.
PIZNAUL JIZNOKE overpowered MOUSE in a 1 minute one-sided competition.
HYDRO ON THE D-LO overcame VIRGINAL GIGOLO in a popular 4 minute veteran's duel.
SMALL INTESTINE was subdued by VIPER LXXI in a crowd pleasing 1 minute expert's duel.
JACK THE RIPPER was subdued by LOOSE DENTURES in a 3 minute expert's conflict.
BOSTON TERRIER devastated YELLOW JACKET in a 1 minute mismatched match.
THE AVENGING SCROD handily defeated MACS in a exciting 1 minute one-sided conflict.
STARLING was assassinated by KRAKEN in a 1 minute one-sided battle.
DERS lost to MADONNA in a 2 minute gory bout.
WALMART GREETER was handily defeated by DOODLEBOB in a 1 minute mismatched bout.
ZEROSE viciously subdued THE LBA in a 2 minute brutal match.
3D'S NOT L33T handily defeated PRIVATE PARTS in a 1 minute one-sided bout.
INIYO demolished SHIFTYEYED VOLUNTEER in a 1 minute one-sided fight.
BRAE'TAC outwaited WHITE WEEYOTCH in a unpopular 16 minute contest.
DEATH TO TEAM 6 luckily beat SAND in a exciting 5 minute bloody novice's struggle.
WREN was overpowered by TOWER in a 1 minute one-sided brawl.
LOVITA subdued BUCK INGHAM in a popular 5 minute amateur's contest.
ROCK defeated POLITE BEGGAR in a slow 5 minute amateur's duel.
LYNNE GWINI slew IOWA in a 1 minute amateur's brawl.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|TOTAL PARRY                     27         TOTAL PARRY      156 - 129 -  2      55  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                 26         LUNGING ATTACK   139 - 130 -  9      52  |
|LUNGING ATTACK                  21         AIMED BLOW        80 -  81 -  5      50  |
|AIMED BLOW                      12         STRIKING ATTACK  136 - 139 - 12      49  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                  9         PARRY-STRIKE       9 -  11 -  0      45  |
|WALL OF STEEL                    6         SLASHING ATTACK   46 -  61 -  2      43  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   3         WALL OF STEEL     35 -  49 -  3      42  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     2         PARRY-RIPOSTE      7 -  10 -  0      41  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    1         PARRY-LUNGE        8 -  16 -  1      33  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      1         BASHING ATTACK    17 -  37 -  1      31  |

Turn 400 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

PARRY-RIPOSTE      1 -  0     LUNGING ATTACK    10 - 11         3  TOTAL PARRY    
TOTAL PARRY       15 - 12     BASHING ATTACK     1 -  2         2  LUNGING ATTACK 
AIMED BLOW         6 -  6     WALL OF STEEL      2 -  4         2  SLASHING ATTACK
                              PARRY-LUNGE        0 -  1         1  BASHING ATTACK 
                              PARRY-STRIKE       0 -  2         1  WALL OF STEEL  

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
TOTAL PARRY      TINY TIM 6042              19   4  1  149 CRAZY CREEPS (207)
STRIKING ATTACK  PIZNAUL JIZNOKE 7641       13   4  1  128 THE BIZZLE (593)
SLASHING ATTACK  SHMAMY CROCKETT 7216       17  10  0  114 4000 BLOWS (107)
LUNGING ATTACK   TYVEK 7478                  8   7  0   93 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
AIMED BLOW       VIPER LXXI 7566            11   7  0   91 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
PARRY-STRIKE     JAVA 7779                   9   4  0   85 THINGS ILL NEVER GET (601)
PARRY-RIPOSTE    F'SHIZZLE M'NIZZLE 7639     9   8  0   65 THE BIZZLE (593)
BASHING ATTACK   ZEROSE 7741                 8   5  0   60 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
WALL OF STEEL    THE AVENGING SCROD 7649     9   5  1   47 4000 BLOWS (107)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is DERRIN 6952.  The most popular warrior this turn was 
THE RIDDLER 7852.  The ten other most popular fighters were AGREE TO DISAGREE 7889, 
7893, OSO 7682, MANDA 7546, SPAM SANDWICH 7524, and BIN LADEN 7646.

The least popular fighter this week was HOFFA 7713.  The other ten least popular 
fighters were URETHRA 7851, WHITE WEEYOTCH 7881, BRAE'TAC 6895, PINTO BEANS 7531, 
SNOW WHITE 7486, ROCK 7905, BUCK INGHAM 7916, VENREK 7477, WREN 7890, and PRIVATE 
PARTS 7798.

The following warriors have traveled to AD after fighting this turn: