DUEL 2 NEWSLETTER
Date : 03/07/2008 Duedate: 03/20/2008
COLLUSION COVE ARENA
DM-60 TURN-437
This Weeks Top Honors
THE DUELMASTER IS
THE RIDDLER
CRAZY CREEPS (207)
(60-7852) [15-8-2,128]
Chartered Recognition Leader Unchartered Recognition Leader
WRATH LIX T MARIE
DEATH STUDS VII (301) MY PRESENT (637)
(60-7899) [12-3-1,142] (60-8522) [1-1-0,52]
Popularity Leader This Weeks Favorite
DUNNO SHEEPY THOMPSON
HIT ME WITH... (503) THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
(60-6988) [12-18-1,92] (60-8538) [1-2-0,17]
THE CURRENT TOP TEAM
ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
TEAMS ON THE MOVE TOP CAREER HONORS
Team Name Point Gain Chartered Team
1. DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) 50
2. CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) 49 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
3. PASTAFARIANS (630) 41 Unchartered Team
4. ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) 39
5. SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586) 34 GRECO-ROMAN (639)
The Top Teams
Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K
1/ 1*GRECO-ROMAN (639) 7 3 0 70.0 1/ 2 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) 10 5 0
2/ 2 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) 28 17 7 62.2 2/ 1 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) 9 4 0
3/ 3 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) 36 24 2 60.0 3/12*DREAMTIME (633) 9 5 0
4/ 5 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) 130 90 7 59.1 4/ 8 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) 9 5 0
5/ 6 DEATH STUDS VII (301) 513 409 20 55.6 5/ 6 CRAZY CREEPS (207) 8 4 1
6/ 7 CRAZY CREEPS (207) 591 485 20 54.9 6/ 4*PASTAFARIANS (630) 8 7 0
7/ 9*PASTAFARIANS (630) 24 21 0 53.3 7/14*GRECO-ROMAN (639) 7 3 0
8/16*DREAMTIME (633) 18 16 0 52.9 8/ 7*GENX PERFECT HITS (620) 7 5 0
9/10 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 225 202 13 52.7 9/16 TPW FOREVER (619) 7 6 1
10/ 8 WILD CARDS (148) 780 706 34 52.5 10/21*PURE EVIL (629) 7 8 2
11/14*GENX PERFECT HITS (620) 11 10 0 52.4 11/13*LA BOULANGE (626) 7 8 0
12/12*PURE EVIL (629) 23 21 2 52.3 12/23 SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586) 6 4 1
13-11 VILLAINOUS LEGION (605) 20 19 1 51.3 13/11 DEATH STUDS VII (301) 6 4 1
14-13 DEATH STUDS XII (602) 42 42 5 50.0 14/30 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 6 4 0
15/ 4*DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) 5 5 0 50.0 15/25 WING HOVE (529) 6 5 0
16/15 UNDERDOGS (5) 284 288 16 49.7 16/31 HIT ME WITH... (503) 5 5 0
17/21 TPW FOREVER (619) 28 30 4 48.3 17/33*THE EYES HAVE IT (632) 5 5 0
18/20 HIT ME WITH... (503) 75 82 3 47.8 18/24*DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) 5 5 0
Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K
19/28*THE EYES HAVE IT (632) 10 11 0 47.6 19/18*LUROCIANS T308 (636) 5 6 0
20/17 THE BUNKHOUSE (595) 90 100 2 47.4 20/17 THE BUNKHOUSE (595) 5 6 0
21/19 4000 BLOWS (107) 691 768 32 47.4 21/ 3 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) 5 6 0
22/24 WING HOVE (529) 119 135 6 46.9 22/19 UNDERDOGS (5) 5 10 1
23/25 SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586) 42 48 2 46.7 23- 9 DEATH STUDS XII (602) 4 0 0
24/22 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 69 81 3 46.0 24-10 VILLAINOUS LEGION (605) 4 0 0
25/26 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) 91 108 2 45.7 25/ 5 4000 BLOWS (107) 4 6 1
26/23*LA BOULANGE (626) 9 11 0 45.0 26/26 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 4 7 0
27/27*LUROCIANS T308 (636) 6 8 0 42.9 27/34*NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) 4 10 0
28-29 FUNKY FOLK (565) 68 94 10 42.0 28-22 FUNKY FOLK (565) 3 2 2
29/30 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591) 82 121 6 40.4 29/15 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591) 3 3 0
30-31 RED DOG GANG (476) 377 618 5 37.9 30/32 WILD CARDS (148) 3 7 1
31-32 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD (585) 19 42 4 31.1 31-29*RUSH REBORN (627) 3 7 0
32-33*CELTIC PRIDE (628) 14 31 1 31.1 32-27 RED DOG GANG (476) 2 2 0
33/35*NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) 4 11 0 26.7 33-20*CELTIC PRIDE (628) 2 8 0
34/38*MY PRESENT (637) 2 8 0 20.0 34/37*MY PRESENT (637) 2 8 0
35-36*RUSH REBORN (627) 7 30 2 18.9 35/36*CLNGE (638) 2 9 0
36/37*CLNGE (638) 2 9 0 18.2 36-28 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD (585) 1 4 0
37/ 0*THE MIB (304) 0 1 0 0.0 37/ 0*THE MIB (304) 0 1 0
'*' Unchartered team '-' Team did not fight this turn
(###) Avoid teams by their Team Id ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank
TEAM SPOTLIGHT
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ CLOWING AROUND ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Devil's Workshop Turn 2
After a long and drawn out court case involving all of Aradi's managers,
multiple sexual misconduct law suits, many more scarred animals, the verdict had come
down. GUILTY! All of the cases would have been dismissed had it not been for the
the surprise testimonies of Ed., Temp Ed., and Baby Ed.. Apparently the Aradi
managers were sticklers for documentation and unable to keep a secret. The horrible
news of their crimes were common knowledge to almost everyone in Aradi and could be
collected in volumes (and were in nice manageable coffee table books on sale at
Aradizon.com). The managers had been sold out and ordered to perform 1 quadrillion
hours of community service. No one was sure if that was truly a number, but judges
orders are judges orders, so they were ready to serve out the terms of their
probation. It was not something any of them were looking forward to, but it was
necessary so they did not have to go to prison or back to prison in some instances.
The rumor was the hardened criminal element did not look kindly upon animal lovers
and their ilk.
The judge was a heartless man bent on the complete and utter humiliation of the
Aradi managers. It was this motivation that lead him to contact the local children's
hospital and order the managers to work out their community service as clowns to
entertain the children. The managers were ordered to gather in the hospital lobby in
full clown dress early one morning.
"All right, listern here now," the judge bellowed. "You's all are gonna perform
this service for dese here chillren' and you's are gonna do it witz a smile." A
collective groan could be heard in the crowd of managers. "Now linez up and I'll
gives you's your clownz namez."
The managers looked at one another confused and one finally asked, "What do you
mean clown name?"
"You's can't go in witz the silly namez you's have now! You's scare de
chillrens," the judged barked back. "What kindz o' name is Deaf Studz anywayz?"
"That is Death Stud your honor," a muffled voice said from the crowd. Everyone
looked around but could not figure out where the voice was coming from until it
squeeked a second time, "Down here." The crowd parted to see a diminutive clown with
bright red shoes longer than the manager was tall.
"We start witz you short stuff," the judged said. "Letz me see, you's clownz
namez will bez Wiggler Foamy Tinkle."
"It was a yeast infection and how did you find out about that?" Death Stud
screamed. He stared accusingly at all the managers around him.
"He's got a short fuse," Soultaker explained to the judge, who was decked out in
a futuristic battle suit of white and orange. His hearing aid was set to low when
the judge ordered them to purchase a clown outfit and he had mistakenly bought a
clone outfit.
The judge only shrugged and then set his eyes squarely on Soultaker. He wasn't
sure what to make of the fashion faux pas, but continued with his naming duties.
"Wellz, you's can 'elp him Mr. Dinko Sniffer Cracker."
"Who are you calling a Commie?!" Soultaker bolted toward the judged and had to
be restrained. He calmed when Nuln adjusted the volume on his hearing aid again and
repeated the name.
The naming continued throughout the morning and only Snotman and Samwise the
Bald were allowed to keep their names intact. The reactions to the clown names were
outright rage and open sobbing. Creepster and Slugbait became the clown team of
Drinko Shaking Shorts and Stinky Sausage Hobo; while Hombre and Elephant became
Spunko Rashy Hugs and Limpo Booger Stagger.
It became a sad day for some in Aradi and a joyous one for others. Some of the
managers actually enjoyed their new clown names and planned to use them in the arena.
TGG knew opponents would tremble at the sound of Snooker T. Herpetological Mangle and
Mannequin loved it when the ladies called him Poopoo Dusty Breath. Yes, it was a
monumental day for all in Aradi one way or the other.
]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ A Football Rambling From The Clan Of Creeps ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[
It was a beautiful winter day in Aradi with temperatures in the high 50's, sun
shining, and odor levels at low-tide--just a spiffironious day. The national anthem,
"Hit Me With" had already been beautifully sung by Pip, and the nasty boos had
settled down. The announcer, Hombrey, was about to introduce the All-Stars in his
high-pitched dreamtime voice. (He had been neutered the day before, and not all had
gone well. Not that something like that was unusual to Hombrey's life.)
And now, starting for the Motor City Madwomen All-Stars, coached and preached by
the great-in-his-own-mind Hammer are:
Linemen and grunts of the battle plan ..........
Left Tackle Roman Tig Toad
Left Guard Soultaker The Eloquent
Center Pure Evil Pasta Haunta
Right Guard Samwise In Childhood
Right Tackle Anti Needing Two-Fists
Receivers of bad news and occasional catches ........
Tight End When Did He Ever Spend A Dime Wildcard
Snotthing
Loose End The Greek One
Flanker Zalgor The Pig
Backs and posteriors ..........
Fullback Fruit Of The Loom Mannequin
Halfback The Creepster (maybe not quite half)
Quarterback Le Pentarque DeGaulle
The cheers were loud and wild and raucous - especially for the star and
great French Bread - Le Pentarque DeGaulle. The camera panned on one lusty
young lady licking her lips while she screamed in obvious desire for what is
believed to be The French Bread.
And now, starting for The S&M All-Stars, coached and whipped by the
very-very-very-very-very-very-very-great-in-his-own-mind Managerr are:
Linemen and grunts of the battle plan ..........
Left Tackle General Ironside Battleship
Left Guard Indimarinski, King Of Paulson's Peacocks
Center Street Illegal
Right Guard Nuln With No Nutsack
Right Tackle Chocolate Fudge Darque
Receivers of bad news and occasional catches ........
Tight End Flagg The Unwanted Present
Loose End Demon Rillion
Flanker Breaded Swinetiger
Backs and posteriors ..........
Fullback Seraphim The Manager Slave
Halfback Elephantitus
Quarterback Black Eye Slugbait
The cheers were engulfing and enormous - especially for Dr. Slugbait, the
wunderkind. The most common hurrah seemed to be "Gimme a fix, Doc."
It was time for the coin toss, and the head referee was talking to the
captains - Le Pentarque DeGaul for the Madwomen and Managerr (He said "I AM
boss, and therefore captain.") of S&M. The referee tossed Death Stud (They
needed something awfully small to toss, and, besides, he needed to be in
this story somewhere no matter what everyone was saying about him.) It
landed "heads" and landing on that tiny brain killed the stud, so good
riddance. S&M chose to receive and The Madwomen chose to defend the
north-north-east goal.
As the fans in the stands rose for the kickoff, a few noted that both
Slugbait and The Creepster were running towards the locker room outhouse,
intently holding their own NUTSACKZ, apparently in quick need of the
facilities. The ball was kicked high and deep, and at the peak of the
ascent, the field immediately turned into quicksand, and all players on the
field were quickly lost. (Sigh.) It is rumored that at the moment of the
peak trajectory, one small roving camera panned on The Lovely Crazy Creeps
Scribe showing her wickedly smiling as she pushed some sort of plunger. But,
again, this was a mere rumor.
EPILOGUE
1. The game was declared to be a 0-0 tie. (Managerr would have declared
that his win had he lived.)
2. The Crazy Creeps Scribe continues to smile to this day. She was
awarded the merit badge for Plunging.
3. TOGS was declared "done" and C.O.L.L.U.D.E., as the only team with
two survivors, was declared the winner. (It was a 3-0 vote by The Committee
- The Lovely Crazy Creeps Scribe, Dr. Slugbait, and The Creepster.)
4. Death Stud was never tossed again.
5. This true story had a spiffironiously happy ending.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
HOW TO WIN THE SPOTLIGHT CONTEST
By: Editor, International Award Winning Aradi Free Press
We at The IAWAFP are sure you have been wondering "Just what do I need
to do to win that Gold Crown, or more importantly, keep from winning the
dreaded Tin Cup." First, a request: Start the spot with your Manager name
and a title. Not only does that make IAWAFP judging and reporting easier,
but it lets the tournament coordinators more easily verify your spotlight
points for the TOGS Team contest.
You deserve to know and understand the expectations of winning - and
losing. Here they are - in probable priority order:
1. LONG ENOUGH Your spot must meet the minimum length or else. A really
good spot can go long, but not short.
2. INTERESTING It must be interesting to the readership. The more
"adventuresome" the better. A full and completed story is better than a
sequel. Incomplete and to-be-continued or implied to-be-continued stories
are less interesting. (That does not mean that spots cannot tie together.
Just bring the story to a conclusion.)
3. CUNNING (or ingenuity) One-upmanship is a primary flavor of TOGS. Points
are scored for "hits/digs/put downs". However, subtle innuendos are favored
over overt slams or repeated slams.
4. RELEVANT This is about Aradi, TOGS, D2. Make it relevant. Points are
scored for using TOGS manager and team names. (other than your own)
5. EXCITING As opposed to informational. Actions rather than statements.
6. WELL WRITTEN Reasonably grammatical and error free. Use of other
"dialects" within the story scores.
7. CHUCKLE FACTOR Make The IAWAFP Editor chuckle, and the score mounts.
So there you have it. Remember this, no matter what your IAWAFP score,
even if it is the dreaded tin cup, your spot is APPRECIATED! Indeed. The
first round of TOGS is now history, and it is clear that the quality and
ingenuity of all the spots collectively is at an utmost high. WELL DONE!
That makes judging harder, and more fun. It is now a matter of endurance to
see if you all can maintain such quality for 13 turns. May the Force (not
The FONZ) be with you.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Ironcide sat going over the past week's fights in his mind. Haunt was acting a
little more squirrelly than usual. That guy always seemed to be looking over his
shoulder as if expecting the proverbial ax to drop at any moment. Nine warriors sat
around a large table. Only Fusilli Jerry was missing. The mood was one of barely
controlled anger.
"Where the hell is Jerry?!" Ironcide roared.
"No idea, boss. Last we saw him he was drinking it up in town. He took his
loss pretty hard, ya know?"
Ironcide's fist slammed into the table and mugs went flying. He turned and
looked at Haunt.
"We blew it, ya know?"
"Yeah, I know," Haunt grabbed a mug from the floor and filled it from the keg.
He handed another over. Ironcide drained it, but the warmth did little to improve
his icy mood. There were somber nods around the table. No one but Haunt would meet
Ironcide's gaze.
"This level of performance will not do! 3-7? You have got to be kidding me!
One of those doesn't even count! We are almost in last place. How did this happen!
You know that sheep-hugging Manager only gave us a 100-1 shot at winning."
"Well, what does he know, anyway?" Haunt slapped Ironcide on the back. "Some
psycho named Le Pentarque wants to eat us, or turn us into bread, or some other crazy
weirdness that I cannot follow. Given our performance, I have to say he may get his
chance."
Haunt furrowed his brow. "I have no idea what that guy was talking about.
Bread Golems or something. Seems to me we just need a little olive oil and pepper to
dip them in, and we should be good to go. Cheer up ol' boy; after all some did worse
than us."
"Not many."
"Well, look at this way then, the only place we can go is up!"
Haunt's boundless enthusiasm was starting to wear thin. Across the room,
something or someone moved outside the window. Ironcide caught what he thought was a
glimpse of a goatee but dismissed it as a product of anger and booze.
"We need a new plan. We need to think outside the box. These other managers
have been doing this a lot longer than we have so we need to get creative. I wonder
if you can lunge with a maul. How strong do you have to be for a maul again? Maybe
we can poison some of the other teams?"
The blathering went on for another half hour and Haunt, along with everyone
else, was starting to lose interest.
Outside, there was a crash at the door and a weird tapping sound as if something
were bouncing along the ground.
"Does anyone else hear that?" Haunt asked.
"Yeah, I think someone is trying to get in. Noodly, go get the door."
The crash followed by tap, tap, tap, tap, tap continued as Noodly walked toward
the door and flung it open.
Outside the door, was Fusilli Jerry with something long hanging out the back of
his trousers clear to the ground; he was spinning in circles like a dog chasing his
tail tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
"Help me!"
"What the hell?!?"
"Is that a practice spear up your butt?"
Jerry entered the room, and seeing everyone there, composed himself and tried to
act nonchalant.
"I guess."
It was comical trying to watch Fusilli Jerry try to sit, give up and opt for
leaning on the wall, arms folded in an "I'm so cool" sort of way.
"Why is there a spear up your butt?" General Ironcide asked, deciding it was the
better of the two questions and probably should have been asked first.
"Not sure. I passed out in the tavern after Spiritwalker beat the crap out of
me. When I woke up, it was wedged in there but good. No pun intended."
The laughter in the room was deafening. Haunt was having difficulty getting off
the floor because waves of laughter would wrack him whenever he glanced Jerry's way.
He was the most composed of the bunch.
General Ironcide turned Jerry around, pushed him over and bent down to examine
the spear. There was a small note attached. He untied the string and unrolled the
parchment and read the note aloud.
It said "Welcome to TOGS".
Ironcide roared with anger, grabbed the spear, and yanked.
Jerry howled.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Superior Forces 1601 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
"Hey, what do you guys think? I just repainted it!" Indimar spoke proudly to
the group of managers who were gathered in Pauly's nursery room to check out his new
paint job.
"It's not bad," responded General Ironcide, "I just don't know why you would
want to paint nursery lavender."
"It's not really lavender," commented Street Legal, "It looks more maroon if you
ask me."
"Maroon is darker," said General Ironcide, "This is definitely lighter. It's
definitely lavender."
"Actually, I was thinking that it was more Burgundy," pointed out Master Darque,
"But that wall is closer to maroon than lavender is."
"Burgundy is also a dark color," responded Ironcide, "The wall is not really
that dark."
"I dunno," said Street Legal, "I think you might just be red-green colorblind."
"I don't think that being red-green colorblind would allow me to mistake
lavender for maroon." responded General Ironcide. "Don't red and green have to be
involved in red-green colorblind?"
"Well, red is one of the colors that make up maroon," said Street Legal.
"Lavender!" General Ironcide huffed.
"Let me check he paint can..." Indimar interrupted as he left the room. A few
minutes later he returned. "The paint can said that the color of the paint was
purple."
"It's definitely not purple." said Master Darque.
"I think we all can agree with that." said General Ironcide.
"But...aren't we all arguing about different shades of purple?" asked Indimar.
"There's totally a difference!" responded Street Legal, "Regular purple looks
purple. This is a specialized shade of purple."
"How about we just agree that it's violet?" asked Flagg, who had been observing
the whole time.
"Absolutely not," said Street Legal, "Although I could see it being red-violet."
"Oh you would like that, wouldn't you?" said General Ironcide, "You probably
realize that a lot of people mistake red-violet for maroon."
"That's. Because. It. Is. Maroon."
"Is not."
"Is too."
"I can't believe that you guys can't tell the difference between lavender and
maroon!" sighed Flagg.
"Don't forget it could be Burgundy too." said Master Darque.
"Well, what color do you think it is?" asked Street Legal.
"Well......uh........actually--I am Red-Green Colorblind." answered Flagg.
"A convenient excuse." said General Ironcide.
Suddenly, Pauly walked into the room. "Hey guys, can I take a nap?" he asked.
"Not until we air out more of the paint fumes," said Indimar, "Why don't you
help your mother with the dishes?"
"Ok." said Pauly as he left the room.
"He's a good kid," said Indimar, "Did you know that he was younger, he used to
eat bugs?"
"Uh....no", answered General Ironcide, "Hopefully he can tell the difference
between lavender and other shades of purple though."
"Actually, I was thinking that after this conversation, I should paint the
nursery blue." said Indimar.
"That's probably for the best." nodded Street Legal.
"Turquoise might be a better choice." piped General Ironcide.
"How about sky blue?" suggested Master Darque.
Indimar sighed.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Darn...we got toasted! What an ugly start! All our bread Golems turned to
mushy crumbles...and we went to the bottom when, coming from Mysterious Ways, one of
the Pastafarians, the would-be roasted, sliced the Master Boulanger himself! And the
rejoicing didn't stop here: we received the meager dm 6 newsletter. I guess it is
the dm 60 newsletter for the unworthy. And to close the whining, l'Apprenti was
challenged by Tom Sawyer, a non-TOGS weirdo, hamburger-only-eating little fat freak.
We could notice 4 really good points though:
-- We can't do worse on turn 437.
-- A few managers were surprised we didn't get even one point: that may mean we
are respected and feared!
-- Continuing on this thread, Manager ranked us 100 to 1 for the win: that is
not so bad.
-- Soultaker had an interesting idea: I could write in French...this idea is
more than interesting, it's a splendid one!
But if we put that aside, we realized we needed help...even some metaphoric
help. If our real armored and bloody army of bread Golems had no success, we could
ask the terrific warrior from Talahya, the splendid Le Pain Dlg, to pay us a visit.
He could lead us to the deeper meaning of the "bread" (pain!). So...the armored
menace rode to Aradi and had these wise words, "If they don't buy the bread, smash it
in their face." Pain could mean punch!! He was living by this credo and was really
enjoying it.
That was comforting, and Le Pain Dlg gave autographs to all the living slices of
bread, who rejoiced and went looking for improvement.
Double Chocolatine was starting to dry...so he wisely used the two weeks of
leisure between the turns and managed to fill a double-sized giant cup of coffee...
then he plunged his head-faced tip under the surface...he came out as smooth as a
baby applesauce! And with a coffee flavor. He could also use a smothering tactic
when desperate.
Lost Bread was really surprised to find himself beaten but alive: he thought
that his name doomed him to the Arena of Bread-eating Dark monsters. So he was still
a little confused in his weird baked brain, but he was happy to be a famous French
specialty. The Pain Perdu is some old bread fried with sugar and egg. He still had
some pieces of eggshell on his face, but he knew he was a tasty Golem. When he was
hungry, he could always devour a chunk of himself.
L'Apprenti had to the work seriously on the recipes. He was the only one who
won, but he fought a non-TOGS warrior...he didn't have the right customers. To catch
the best, you need to be at least a little better....
Le Fournier, being just a sidekick, only had to study the force-feeding tactics.
How can a guy put something in the mouth of another unwilling guy with a large wooden
weapon?
And, last but not least, the Mantre Boulanger is reconsidering his life: the
team failure is his failure...he must improve his Golems, and think about new, better
ones....
Le Pentarque, pathetic house baker
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
"Flagg, where are you?" came the probing voice of Double D.
He had come to Flagg's apartment in search of their new "Manager". He was
nowhere to be found. There was an odor of death and decay permeating from within the
apartment. Walking a little further into the darkened apartment, Double D saw a
table littered with crayons and parchment illuminated by the light coming in the open
door. Looking at the parchment he saw various scenes of death and dismemberment
drawn out on them. Trying to find what stank so badly, he followed his nose to an
arm chair. Lighting a candle next to the arm chair he saw what was causing the
stench. There was an opened box, that had looked to be gift wrapped, with what
appeared to be a dozen dead fish inside. On top of the fish lay a note. Reading the
note, Double D noticed that it was from Flagg's partner, Anti, and read: 'Sorry about
the rough turn. Hope the fish help to cheer you up! Mmmm...fish. Hey, that makes
me hungry. Hungry...I want donuts. Oh and sorry about killing your dude and what
not.'
Double D set down the note and was about to leave when he heard an exaggerated
sob. Picking up the candle, he went in the direction of the sob. Slowly, the candle
illuminated a man huddled in a corner. He had a golden chicken and he was stroking
it. "Flagg?"
"Shhhh! Quiet, they'll hear you!" came Flagg's reply.
"Who will hear me?" Double D asked.
"The other managers. They'll hear you."
"What in blathering heck are you talking about, Flagg?" came Double D's reply.
"The other managers. They're mean. Mean, mean, meanie, meansters!"
Double D groaned. "Care to elaborate?" he asked.
"I know they're making fun of me. Them meanies! Oh and five our first cycle
here. If it weren't me I'd be making fun of them!"
"Holy cow, you delusional paranoid worm. Stand up!" Double D grabbed Flagg by
the arms and yanked him up. Gerr, the golden chicken flopped from Flagg's grasp and
began to run circles around the pair. It would peck at Double D's feet each time it
passed him. "See! Your freakin chicken has more fighting spirit than you! How in
the world did you become a manager?"
Flagg began to smooth out his clothes. "I got my license from the Alastari
College of Correspondence. See, they even gave me this nifty ring after I
graduated," he held out his hand for inspection. "I can use it to decode secret
messages other graduates from the school send me."
Double D grimaced and began to lead his manager from the dark, stench filled
apartment, Gerr pecking at his heels as they walked.
*****
Double D walked his manager down the stairs to the remainder of his team mates.
The look of confusion on their faces was evident as they stared at the slumped over
figure of their manager. Double D waved any questions off. "Long night of
drinking," he told them.
"Hmmmph. He should be drawn and quartered for sending us out there like that
without prepping us in this arena first!" Tiffers exclaimed. Gerr promptly ran over
to Tiffers and began to peck at her toes. "What the heck is this thing? A golden
chicken?" Tiffers kicked at the golden chicken and it dodged her booted foot.
Unbelievably, a block of mist formed above Gerr's head that coalesced into writing
that read 'Gerr has learned a DEFENSIVE action.'
Flagg roused from his stupor. "No freaking way!"
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Haunt -- Pure Evil ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
New Recruits
Haunt had set up a day at Haunted Pasta Headquarters for new recruits to present
themselves for possible selection to his new dueling team. While General Ironcide
had his team already training hard, Haunt had procrastinated too long and feared he
would be left with the dregs of the warriors other managers had refused to recruit.
Unfortunately it looked like he would not be disappointed.
He had already determined to name his team Pure Evil so as to strike fear into
the hearts of his opponents and had hoped for warriors to match, but it was not going
well for Haunt. The first warrior to arrive, if he was a warrior, was a man calling
himself Taxman. And every time a potential recruit walked through the door Taxman
gave them a stack of forms to fill out in triplicate before he'd allow them to enter.
Haunt didn't know what to make of this, but didn't question it, assuming that perhaps
this guy had been sent by the TOGS organizers to make sure Haunt's team was properly
registered.
Another man walked in calling himself Overtime, mumbled something about time and
a half and then seated himself in a corner and began taking a nap. Haunt began to
feel a very large headache forming. "Why did I think I could do this, and so late?
I haven't seen one true warrior come through these doors yet."
Haunt began to feel a little better when a huge man toting an axe larger than he
was entered. "Now this is a warrior," he thought as the giant purposely strode
towards his desk. Unfortunately Haunt's optimism was short lived as the man was
intercepted by the Taxman who thrust a stack of papers in the giant's face and
demanded that he fill them out immediately. The large man frowned then actually
began to cry and wailed "Now everyone knows that Bloodaxe the Crushinator never
learned to read." Those were his last words as he fled the building, bursting out of
the office so quickly that he tore the door clean off.
The interviews continued, and the line to enter grew ever larger thanks to
Taxman's endless paperwork. At one point a strange red haired man took up residence
in the back of the room and began doing a comedy act involving an awful amount of
props. No one was laughing, but Haunt wasn't even sure anyone had noticed him there
yet. Haunt wondered idly if a tricycle could be used as a weapon in the arena.
After nearly five hours of this, Haunt finally gave up, and instructed Taxman to
put all of the remaining applicants' names in a hat. He shook it up and pulled them
out one by one.
Haunt drew the first name. "Carrot Top? Who is...." The strange red-haired
man grinned creepily and pulled out a large foam sword out of his seemingly endless
bag of stuff. Haunt sighed. This was going to be a long day.
With the drawing of names completed, Haunt looked at his new team of "Warriors".
Carrot Top, Overtime, The Bills, Peeps, and Taxman. Haunt wondered if it was too
late to change careers.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
----- ----- ----- [Samwise the Bald] ----- ----- -----
Samwise entered his office at the Fried Chicken and shut the door. 4-1 for the
first turn of the TOGS was a nice start, especially since his partner had gone 4-0.
A nice start, but was it necessarily a good thing? Probably not, he decided. Things
had not gone well for him and Mannequin the last TOGS when they were the
frontrunners.
Samwise's musings were interrupted by a knock on his door. "Enter," he called.
The door opened, revealing Tremor, the retired Primus warrior who now served as
Samwise's head of security.
"Samwise, you have to see this," said Tremor with a smirk on his face.
Knowing that Tremor only interrupted him when things were either important or
unusual, Samwise got to his feet swiftly and followed without question. Tremor began
talking as they entered the security passage on the third floor.
"It's the Creepster. He's trying to choose his companion for tonight. But the
way he's going about it is asinine. It's really quite funny," he explained.
Samwise smiled in anticipation. The Creepster was a fool. Samwise had hoped
his most recent "vacation" had helped improve him. The early signs had been
promising, what with his dumping of Manager as his TOGS partner. But to hear
Tremor's amusement, it would seem this was short-lived.
Traveling swiftly down the security passage, Samwise stole glances into the
rooms of his patrons via the charmed one way glass panes each room was equipped with.
Various denizens and personages of note in Aradi could be found in them. Samwise's
total discretion and his ability to feed the desires of his patrons made the third
floor of the Fried Chicken tavern/inn/brothel/guildhouse a very popular place.
Reaching their destination, Samwise and Tremor turned their attention to the
Creepster's room. The Creepster was inside, sitting in a chair, his back to the
charmed glass. He sat facing an open doorway, torch lit shadows playing upon the
walls of the hallway like smoke serpents dancing. Samwise opened the vents located
behind the strategically placed furniture to allow them the chance to hear.
"What's so funny about this?" whispered Samwise.
"Just wait for it," responded Tremor in hushed tones.
Shortly afterward, the Creepster sat up straighter in his chair as the sound of
footsteps approached. Along the hallway wall, the elongated, distorted shadow of a
woman approached.
Before the woman casting the shadow arrived, however, the Creepster leapt from
his seat, obviously upset. He let loose a long string of expletives, cursing the
woman for being ugly, unpleasing to the eye, and unsuitable for companionship.
Samwise gave a start and jumped backward when Manager emerged from the shadows
of the room and chimed in, echoing the Creepster's comments and adding a few unsavory
comments of his own. But even more curious than that bizarre sight was the apparent
growth on Manager's backside. Small, fixed to his buttocks, and unmoving, the
protrusion was quite unusual.
"What is that?" asked Samwise as quietly as his shock would allow.
"Not what, but who. It's Jerkin the Wart-covered Goblin," whispered Tremor.
"We call him JWG for short. His lips have been fixed to Manager's butt for quite
some time."
Shaking his head in disbelief, Samwise turned back to the action in the room.
The shadow become longer as the woman approached the room. Stopping long enough to
look in the doorway, Allysa, one of Samwise's most beautiful girls, cut a dirty look
at the Creepster, gave a snicker, and walked away.
The Creepster began to curse himself for making such a stupid decision. "Oh
ding dang doozy. I should have kept that floozy!" he yelled. Manager immediately
took on a conciliatory tone, consoling his distraught ex-partner.
"Yeah, well her hair was too dark, anyway! Hey, you can kiss my butt, but
that's it, JWG. Stay away from there!" stated Manager.
Once again the sound of footfalls could be heard in the hallway. Elongated
shadows played on the wall as the lady made her way to the Creepster's room. Again,
the Creepster detected some sort of imperfection in the shadow. Again, he leapt to
his feet. Again he screamed at the unseen woman, making his judgment prematurely.
"Dibble dabble dap. You look like crap. I don't want you tonight!" he screamed
as the drooled and acted the fool.
Again, as the shadow materialized into the form of the dismissed woman, Samwise
had to stifle his laughter. This time it was Starla, his most top-heavy and demure
lady. And, again, the Creepster cursed himself and had the support of the butt-
kissed Manager.
"How many times has this happened?" asked Samwise.
"Three or four before I went to get you," responded Tremor. "Each time it's
been the same: he dismisses the woman without seeing her, realizes he made a
mistake, and then curses himself. Yet, he hasn't seemed to learn. And, of course,
that little troll Manager and his butt-kissing friend have been there all the while,
feeding the fire."
Shaking his head in amusement, Samwise prepared to leave. This was fun, but
somewhat repetitive. As special as an event like this was, the Creepster often made
a spectacle of himself and Samwise had work to do. Turning to leave, Samwise
overhead the Creepster reacting to another shadow making its way down the hall.
However, this time it was a pleased reaction.
"Oh, yes! Yes! Come to papa!" he yelled.
"That's it! That's it!" yelled Manager.
"Yes, yes, come to Papa!" yelled the Creepster.
"You're the one! You're the one!" screamed Manager.
"Mumble...mumble...mumble...mumble..." JWG attempted to say without breaking his
lips' contact with Manager's backside.
"Oh, yes! Yes! YES!" screamed the Creepster.
"That's it! That's it!" yelled Manager.
As the shadow began to solidify into the form of the woman casting it, Samwise
and Tremor had to cover their mouths to stifle their laughter. Motioning to one
another to leave, rather than give away that they were spying, they began to move
back down the hallway, back the way they had come. When they heard the horrified
screaming, they knew Patty the Fatty had entered the Creepster's room.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Wing Hove ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Sad Day in Collusion Cove
It was pretty much business as usual at the Scrod Shoppe. The TOGS store was
crowded with shoppers throwing down cash for t-shirts, hats, and just about any knick
knack you could name, all emblazoned with the likeness of their favorite warriors.
Scrodbucks was also teaming with patrons waiting to get their caffeine/scrod juice
fix. Behind the counter Carol, a ginormous troll-like woman and Scrodbucks head
scroddista, ran her crew like a drill sergeant, keeping the line moving and the money
rolling in.
A group of youngsters was hanging around the rail that isolated the section
reserved for TOGS managers from the rest of the store. No doubt they were hoping to
catch a glimpse of one of the warriors that sometimes accompanied their managers,
thought Indimar as he surveyed the scene from his private table. Glancing around at
the tables he realized they would be disappointed this day as the only table in use
was occupied by Manager and Seraphim with none of their warriors in attendance.
Manager was poring over stacks of paper that Indimar guessed contained his
notes on all the warriors and managers. Nobody knew for sure, since if anyone but
his partner got within ten paces he shoved all the papers into a briefcase he kept
chained to his wrist. As Manager worked on his demented plans Seraphim knelt next to
him shining his shoes. As he worked away he kept up a steady diatribe, although
Indimar could not hear all he was saying he did pick out enough phrases like "best
manager in the world", "won the first TOGS, he did", and "gonna teach me all he
knows" to get the gist of it.
Suddenly the front door of the Scrod Shoppe banged open and a little kid came
bustling in shoving people aside as he made his way through the store. Indimar was
about to get up and go teach the lad a few manners when he realized it was only
Elephant making his normal dramatic entrance. How in the world so much attitude
could come in such a tiny package was past Indimar's understanding.
"Hey Indy," bellowed Elephant in the closest he ever came to an inside voice.
"If that kid of yours can't control that big, dumb muskrat I may have to hit her with
a good old fashioned Elephant stomping."
"I wouldn't go messing with Laverne if I was you," warned Indimar. "In the
first place she would shred you, if you did hurt her, Pauly would shred you.
Besides, you made him pay you five times what that horse was worth."
Elephant showed a brief smirk before resuming his normal scowl. "That was a
fair price for a magnificent beast like that. And if that muskrat gives me anymore
trouble I will lay a beating on it like you never saw. I'll do all the shredding
around here."
"Whatever," replied Indimar. "Was there something else, or did you just come
by to make threats against a giant demon muskrat?"
"The main reason I stopped in was to remind you to go by and see Soultaker and
Death Stud. You're the only manager who hasn't paid them the visit yet. You know
you have to do it so why put it off?"
"I know, I know," said Indimar. "I'm just not looking forward to it. I'll go
right now."
"See that you do," barked Elephant as he turned and started shoving his way out
of the store.
Indimar sat quietly for a few minutes then rose with an air of resignation.
Donning the greatcoat that had been hanging over the back of his chair he made his
way through his place of business and out into the streets of Collusion Cove.
Occupied with his own thoughts Indimar made his way toward the town square unaware of
the people he shared the street with. When he reached his destination the sight that
greeted him brought a lump to his throat.
In the exact center of the town square with their legs shackled and their hands
and heads locked in heavy wooden stocks stood Soultaker and Death Stud. It was the
most pathetic sight Indimar had ever seen. They were covered with rotten produce and
other foul refuse from head to toe.
"Soulie, Stud," Indimar said solemnly. "You guys look like hell. How much
longer do you have to be here?"
"Until sundown," muttered Soultaker.
"I hate to see you guys this way. I only came by because it was required by
the TOGS unwritten bylaws. You guys hang in there," Indimar said as he turned to
walk away. "I'm really sorry about this"
"You don't have to be sorry," replied Death Stud, "we know you voted against
the public humiliation."
"Oh, I know that's not my fault. I'm sorry about THIS," he said as he turned
and let fly with one of the many rotten tomatoes stashed in the pockets of his
overcoat.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Eyes Have It ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
"Seven days and seven nights. Seven long, very long days and nights. When
would it end?" thought the giant orc as yet another bout of chills racked his
emaciated body.
It would be hard to break bones and keep the lads in line, even with his nifty
new silver and purple paisley maul, after having been in bed so long. Even the Boss
was starting to worry.
"Get your lazy, ugly mug out of bed and talk to the press. Do something! I
don't care if you have the flu", yelled the Creepster. "I mean, where are your
warriors? The last time I saw anyone from your team was when two of those meatheads
passed out after playing 'FONZ's Pink Pony and Beer'. What kind of game is that
anyway?" Creepster continued.
Slugbait's only reply was a feeble grunt followed by a mad rush to the barf
bucket. Perhaps unhappy to have his shiny black boots splattered the Creepster
hurriedly retreated muttering, "We're going to lose, we're going to lose. Manager
might have been over absorbed with plotting and scheming but at least he paid
attention."
Overhearing his bosses murmurings Slugbait thought, "We no lose. We got
patented 'TWO ANCHOR' strategy. Manager say it work every time or money back."
Taking a long pull of the Creepster's anti-flu potion before drifting back to
sleep, Slugbait's last thought was, "Boss think it flu but me know better. Poisoned.
Again." The last several times Slugbait had been poisoned were by one of his best
friends, Crip. The Canadian was generally a nice enough guy but had a nasty habit of
going full out to whack any undefeated SCOMSS warriors and if needed SCOMSS managers
when they stood in his way.
Waking up, as a result of a nasty wave of chills and hot flashes, Slugbait
grabbed another drink of potion before setting out on the more pressing problem of
who had poisoned him.
The first obvious suspect was the Frenchman and his new bakeshop. Sure the
crunchy bread and fluffy pastries had tasted delicious but the French governing body
for French TOGS precipitants, the ASO (Aradi Sports Organization), had a long history
of backroom deals, bullying and general nastiness. After all, hadn't they just
recently tried to take away the UCI (Universal Combatants International) right to run
TOGS.
"Maybe he of the big ears and long nose," unlikely thought Slugbait as he sipped
some more of the vile greenish elixir. The last time the two of them had talked it
seem like Elephant was agreeable enough.
"That's ok, that's ok. I'm sure someone would be happy to carry me home. Don't
bother yourself. And, don't worry I fully and completely understand why you might be
upset about the TV down challenge. Really a simple misunderstanding." was the last
thing that Slugbait could remember Elephant saying.
"Surely it couldn't have been the two polite taps to Elephant's knees with the
purple and silver paisley maul?" reflected the wrenching orc. Slugbait did feel a
little bad about having created yet another short FONZ member but at least only one
of them was on the short side of the intellectual equation.
Just then the Creepster poked his head through the door and said, "Hey sorry
about being a little gruff big buddy but I was just worried about how we would do in
TOGS. This should pick you up," said the Boss as he dropped a pink bottle on
Slugbait's nightstand.
Slugbait had fallen back to sleep before hearing the Boss's last comment.
"That poor knuckle-dragger" said a sympathetic Creepster. "With my brain and his
maul we will go far in this competition."
Trotting out of the room the Creepster noticed the greenish elixir by Slugbait
and remarked, "Oh. I'd wondered were my rat-poison had gone."
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ TigToad's Return: Part 2 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
It was 4am on a Sunday morning. TigToad and his men had already been
practicing an hour.
"I cannot believe I am sweating up a storm when it is 45 degrees outside,"
Archimedes complained.
"Hey, you're the only one who lost, you should have to work the hardest,"
Galileo retorted. The retort was only half-hearted however. All five of the
warriors were already tired an hour into the practice.
"Heh," TigToad grunted, "You have all been conditioned to be weak. I will
teach you strong."
"With all due respect sir, our team did well last week. 4 wins in your debut,
we should celebrate some triumphs. You are working us like you expect us to
entertain the Spy Master in the Dark Arena."
"Heh, a 1-0 record does not bear celebrating. The extra training is precisely
why my stables win and others flounder. Three keys young ones: Know your enemies,
know their managers and work harder than them. That is the key to victory."
No matter how practiced the speech over the years though, it was TigToad that
left that morning's practice with concern.
"The warriors look fine Zalgor," TigToad confided. "It's myself. I no longer
know my enemies as once I did. You realize, I didn't recognize but a handful of the
basic warriors at last winter's tournament? There were manager's receiving acclaim
for battles well fought whose faces I had never seen. It is disturbing. How can I
expect to lead a team to greatness if I cannot follow my own mantra?"
There was no reply from Zalgor, who had been out of the loop even longer than
the old hunchback.
I awoke in a cold sweat. That smell was fire mixed with thick smoke. The gray
swirls of it were visible even with only the turned down light through the room.
"Damn cold," TigToad mumbled as he struggled to straighten his legs and get out
of the bed. There was no call of alarm in the street, "My enemies set this fire to
hopefully trap me, here, in my bed. They already fear my return."
It was several hours until sunrise. To be honest, I could not recount exactly
how I managed to straighten my back and legs quickly enough to get out of the
townhouse before it was engulfed in flame. I do remember being lead back to the
barracks I still owned that once housed dozens of teams of warriors, but was now
being shared by only the 5 TOGS competitors. It was cold.
"Archimedes, remind me to purchase a fire place for you five on the morrow.
You cannot fight if your muscles tighten up in your sleep." With that thought,
TigToad drifted to a second evening's rest.
"Master Toad," Archimedes whispered to the sleeping form, "I really do not
think it is our muscles tightening up you must fear. Goodnight sir."
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
A Day in the Life of an Aradi Yokel, Part 2 The Silver Lining in the Gathering Storm
by Rillion
Cletus woke up on what was a typical day in the paradise that was Aradi. As he
made his way across town to the arena to clean up after the previous night's Dark
Arena fights he noticed a few different sights than normal but didn't pay that much
attention. There seem to be a bit more activity than usual, several carts full of
furniture and people's belongings being shipped down towards the docks passed him.
He noticed a few new "For Rent" and "For Sale" signs had been tacked up hastily on
some buildings. But it wasn't until he got to the Arena that he discovered what it
was that had changed about Aradi.
The Arenamaster who was standing next to a miniaturized version of a person met
him outside the entrance to the arena. The Arenamaster handed him a large rolled up
banner, "Ah, Cletus, good to see you are here early. I've got a task for you. I
need you to hang that banner across the entrance to the arena." The Arenamaster and
the tiny scale model of a person started walking off, "There you go Death Stud.
Cletus will have the banner up in no time. How do you think the turn out will be
this year?" Cletus unrolled the banner in order to get to work, it read, "TOGS is
Coming - Register Now!"
That day in the arena there were many changes. There were not any more fights
than usual but Cletus noticed there were certainly more people in the stands. The
funny thing was they weren't really paying any attention to the fights. Plus, they
were not the usual townsfolk that showed up to the watch the fights but strangers,
and strange strangers at that. They were lined up with small sacks of gold that they
were giving to the individual the Arenamaster had called Death Stud earlier outside
the arena. Each one stranger then the strange stranger that preceded him. Cletus
just shrugged and hawked the Fried Scrod On A Stick that was the customary arena
fight-viewing snack of choice.
It was during his lunch break that someone finally clued poor Cletus in on what
this whole TOGS things was about, Tournament Of the Golden Scrod. Poor dumb Cletus
actually even thought it might be a good thing. He started thinking that this
tournament would bring in lots of spectators and tourists to Aradi. That meant more
Fried Scrod On A Stick sales, which meant more gold for him. Also the Arenamaster
had already told him he was going to need to start coming in earlier and work some
overtime since the number of Dark Arena fights would be increasing dramatically.
Apparently it was some sort of pre-TOGS tradition to make sure the arena sands were
properly conditioned with a large quantity of blood before the tournament started.
Life was looking good for Cletus and he was definitely thinking that moving his
family to Aradi was the best decision he ever made. The poor fool.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Don't Take The Law Into Your Own Hands ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
By GenX Perfect Hits
As Elephant leaves the Scrodbucks he notices that his horse has been
decapitated. Who could've done such an unspeakable act and why? We see Elephant
still in a state of shock reach for his cell phone and make a call.
"I don't know what the heck just happened, but I need you to get down to the
Scrodbucks and find out what happened to Buzz."
On the outskirts of Aradi sits a small cottage. The stone cottage shows some
aging but appears to be well maintained. Inside the walls a large fire is burning in
the brick fireplace and the smell of baking fills the air. The sound of boots
walking back and forth takes away from what seems to be a near perfect ambiance. We
see Elephant pacing back and forth on the hardwood floors.
"Darn it Barnabas, what's taking you so long?"
Suddenly there's a knock on Elephant's door.
"Boss, you there? It's me."
"Barnabas get in here and close that door. Did anyone follow you?"
"Followed? It's me. Of course I wasn't followed. And yes, I've solved the
mystery of Buzz's missing head."
"Solved, how so?"
"Well look what I found in Buzz's saddlebag."
Barnabas hands Elephant a business card. The card reads: Pauly's Janitorial
Services.
"I'll be damned! That donkey janitor son is trying to send me a message."
"Boss, this is serious. I never found Buzz's head. You do remember the part of
the Godfather with the horses head?"
"Indi and Pauly are trying to send me a message mob style. Barnabas, go check
out my bedroom and make sure there's not a head in my bed."
Barnabas enters Elephant's room with his epee drawn. In the bedroom there's a
queen size bed with a quilted comforter. The bed is made and sits centered in the
bedroom. There's a skylight above which covers most of the ceiling. Barnabas seems
to be transfixed on the clouds passing through the blue sky of Aradi.
"Everything OK in there?"
Barnabas quickly snaps out of his minor daze.
"All clear!"
"You know I really love that room. I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep
in my bed tonight. Get some of your men over here and have them watch the place. I
want one stationed in here. Make sure he doesn't touch the bed."
"Will do."
"This is war Barney. They have won the first battle. We will prevail. Justice
will be served. Here's the plan...."
We see Elephant giving Barnabas directions. Barnabas suddenly runs out of the
cottage. An hour or so passes and we see four of Barnabas' pirates arrive at the
cottage.
"Ok men, I'm sure Captain Barnabas has brought you up to speed on the situation.
I'll need two of you outside on patrol. The other two will be stationed inside with
one focusing on the master bedroom. Rotate accordingly. There's fresh muffins on
the kitchen table. You're free to crash in the guest bedroom. Stay off my bed."
Elephant starts making his way into Aradi. He's riding a bicycle. Finally we
see him ride up to the Scrodbucks shop.
"Let's see them remove this one's head."
Elephant orders a double Latte Scrodaccino.
"Sir, I thought you quit drinking caffeine?"
"I thought I did as well. But since you mentioned it, make it a triple."
Elephant takes his drink and finds a seat in the area reserved for the TOGS
managers. As he sits and drinks his coffee, he notices Indimar is looking through
the office window and smiling. Elephant can feel his blood pressure rising. The
nerve of that guy. The more he thinks about his headless horse the angrier he
becomes. Just as he feels he can't take anymore, everything turns RED. Suddenly a
voices shouts:
"Hurry quick, Indimar's Woodrow Wagon is on fire!"
Elephant looks out the windows to see Indimar's Woodrow Wagon engulfed in
flames. Barnabas had done it, thought Elephant. Indimar is now outside fanning the
Woodrow Wagon with a towel while others attempt to extinguish his Woodrow Wagon with
water. Indimar's towel catches on fire and Indimar's hand is burned. Indimar runs
into the shop screaming for water and ice. Suddenly the RED goes away and we see
Indimar standing over Elephant.
"Elephant, you alright?"
"Indimar I'm so sorry about your hand. I should of listened to Judge Wapner and
Doug Llewelyn."
"My hand? Judge Wapner? Are you OK?"
Elephant looks at Indimar's hand. There doesn't seem to be any burn marks. Out
of the corner of his eye he catches a glimpse of Indimar's shiny Woodrow Wagon. He
finally figures out he must've been day dreaming. In the far corner stands Barnabas
holding some papers.
"Wow Indi, I quit drinkin caffeine and that triple shot must've 'bout done me
in."
"Those trips will do it to ya every time. I've never heard them make anyone
speak of Judge Wapner."
"Oh, you're gonna."
Elephant motions to Barnabas.
"Indimar Fallon?" questions Barnabas as he looks at Indimar.
"Well Barny, you know it's me but to answer your question, yes the one and
only."
"Indimar Fallon, you've just been served!"
Barnabas hands Indimar the papers.
"Don't take the law into your own hands: you take 'em to court," replies
Elephant in an animated voice.
Barnabas and Elephant start making their way out of the shop. We see Indimar
just standing there.
"I just served that fool."
"Oh yeah, watch this," Elephant turns around to Indimar. "Indimar, it's 11:23."
Indimar remains still. The only form of movement is tears rolling out of his
eyes. Elephant and Barnabas leave the shop.
"What was that all about?
"Well, you served him. I didn't want to be out done so I told him what time it
was."
The two bust up into laughter.
"Darn, that fool got served and told what time it was."
"First thing I'm gonna do when I own that place is fire that janitor."
"Let's go get a beer."
"Cool, I'm gonna need to crash at your place, I'm still worried about sleeping
in my own bed."
Tune in next turn for the case of "DUDE, WHERE'S MY HORSE'S HEAD?"
Side note: I'd like take this time in my spotlight to honor Gary Gygax who passed
way on March 4, 2008. I'm sure many of us have been influenced by him.
Thanks Gary, we will miss you. Your legacy will live on. Rest in Peace.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
----- ----- ----- [Snotman] ----- ----- -----
Journaling my hubris -- Wild Cards
04-03-2007: Given what I had learned about fresh corpses making good zombies and the
problems with using vic...subjects with a strong concience my next course of action
was obvious. I will be heading down to the docks to find myself a drunk and politely
asking him if he would care to join my little experiment.
04-04-2007: Last night went well. We found a stumbling drunk in a dark alley. I
politely asked him to donate his life to science and when he objected (he was a
reasonable swordsman even while soused which bodes well for his aptitude to be a
zombie gladiator) I ran him through and had my snotlings drag the body back to the
Temple of Khorne. I had all of the mystic circles and altars set up already but the
ritual still took hours to complete. I fear that I am still just a fledging
necromancer and the spells come slowly to me. After I was done I was exhausted but I
felt a little spark of glee when the zombie bounded to his feet and was able to show
some of his training with the sword. This is my freshest zombie and it shows in his
intelligence, dexterity and strength. No more pouring over the obituaries and
harvesting the newly buried, all my future zombies will be fresh kills.
04-06-07: Two more in the last two days. With my newest zombie by my side we
waylaid another drunk. This one wasn't much of a swordsman and I let Rob (my pet
swordsman zombie) take care of him. No contest. As Rob finished him off I heard a
clatter down the alleyway and saw a stunned streetwalker peeking out from behind some
rubbish bins. At a shouted command, Rob took off after me and he ran her down. As
we drew close, she turned and threw herself to her knees begging for mercy. As I
laughed my evil laugh she surprised us both by launching herself at Rob and slashing
his through with a dagger she had concealed in the folds of her dress. As slow black
blood dribbled from the ragged wound she turned to face me, dagger at the ready.
Then a look of surprise spread across her face and she reached up to grab the sword
and protruded from her chest. She collapsed to the ground as Rob pulled the sword
out of her chest. He knelt over her, hands caressing her scalp until a sharp word
from me returned him to his senses. With one last wistful look Rob picked her up and
carried her over to the other corpse. Rob is stronger than he looks and he was able
to carry both bodies home. Seeing as she had put up much more fight than our
original victim I decided to resurrect her first. Although I was exhausted at the
end, it seems like it is getting a little bit easier each time I do it. I named her
Sherri and set her to stitching up Rob's gaping throat wound. Then I set about
resurrecting the drunk. A couple of weeks ago I don't think that I could have done
two in one night but it seemed like each time was a little bit easier. I named the
drunk Roger and I turned three of them loose to feed before getting some much
deserved sleep.
04-09-07: With three zombies at my side, harvesting the living is getting much
easier. We have been taking several people a night and the citizens of Collusion
Cove are starting to take notice. You see it in furtive looks people give as they
walk down a street or the whispered conversation in the corners of bars. They don't
know what is up, just that people are disappearing all over the city and are never
heard from again.
04-12-07: Tonight I took Rob with me and then broke the rest of the zombies up into
groups of two and sent them off to harvest the living. When we rendezvoused back at
the Temple of Khorne I looked over the corpses and something felt wrong. I walked up
and down before I realized what it was, one of them, a woman, was still alive. I
felt a moment of annoyance at the shoddy work and then a thought came from nowhere.
Maybe I could use this to my advantage. I pulled her up onto the altar and thumbed
through some of my more arcane texts. In a few moments I had found what I was
looking for. I incanted the words and performed the rituals which culminated with
plunging a dagger into her heart. As she died, I felt her strength flow up into me.
That night I was able to resurrect all of the corpses and I wasn't even tired at the
end. The good people of Collusion Cove best lock their doors and shutter their
windows because darkness has fallen on their town. Luckily the good people of
Collusion Cove are few in number and the sinners, fallen and drunks and plentiful and
I will cull them mercilessly.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
----- ----- ----- Soultaker ----- ----- -----
All eyes were on the ominous horse drawn carriage. The windows were pulled
closed but if one was to look at the four midnight black horses pulling the rig, one
might have a clue to the occupants. The four horses were identical in all respects
even up to the white blaze on the foreheads. What truly set these horses off were
the ruby red eyes. Although it was a very comfortable evening, these monstrous
equines seemed to be snorting billows of steam as if it were freezing cold outside.
Aradians were quite use to strange and exotic, but this mysterious coach had the
crowd shrinking back.
The quiet was only broken by the occasional snorting or stomping of steel shod
hoofs which threw off showers of sparks. As if on some unspoken signal the coachman
climbed down and eased open the door. From out of the darkness came a shapely leg
and slender arm. The stoic driver offered his hand to help out the passenger. As
more and more of the guest flowed from the darkened coach, there was a collective
exhale of air from the spectators much the same as a hurricane breaching land. A-sop
and Editor had set the fashion bar with their risque wardrobe, but as Pandora stepped
onto the lime-green walkway they may have well been wearing burlap sacks.
For those that have never had the pleasure, or misfortune, of meeting Lady
Pandora Stormm, she is of demon blood from before the closing of the chaos gates.
Due to the succubus blood that rushes through her goddess like body, she is endowed
with immortality. Although she stands at five foot eight inches, she seems to tower
above most all that are near her. Her deep rich auburn colored hair flows
unrestrained across her bare shoulders to small of her back. A small wisp of that
luxurious hair lightly caresses the right side of her face drawing attention to her
high cheek bones, light dusting of freckles and almond shaped eyes. It is the eyes
that are the tell tale sign of her demon blood (other then her temper). Most of the
time Pandora's eyes shine an exquisite emerald green exuding a wild and playful come
hither look. It is when the blood urge or temper flows in her that her eyes turn a
fiery scarlet red. Over the years Pandora has learned to hold fairly good control,
but she has withdrawn from the public numerous times while battling the overpowering
urge for death.
While both A-sop and Editor wore revealing dresses, Pandora took revealing to
new heights. Known for wearing erotic outfits of red or black leather, Pandora
shocked everyone by wearing a very sheer icy blue silk gown. Strapless the dress
gave everyone a chance to view her flawless rose petal colored skin. What material
there was seemed to be in layers barely covering her shapely figure. Her abdomen and
back were left bare. A thin silk strand along her side connected her top to her
flowing see-through gown. With every slight movement, the spectators were treated to
new visual pleasures. Pandora knew that her greatest assets were her gorgeous legs
and this dress kept all eyes on them in hopes of seeing just a little bit more. She
wore no jewelry other then her wedding band. She also showed her kittenish side by
going barefoot and not wearing the typical heels.
Giving the appropriate amount of time for Pandora to enthrall the crowd,
Soultaker stepped down from the coach, knowing that his evening had a much better
chance of being pleasurable if Pandora was content. Mentally Soultaker made note to
keep Pandora away from certain managers, the last thing we needed was for her blood
to enrage over a few miscreants. Soultaker had dressed in his old captain uniform.
Luckily, Pandora had certain magical abilities which allowed him to fit into age old
outfit. Only a few of the locals knew the story of his life prior to the chaos wars.
Having been one of only three survivors of Lady Greywand's personal guard, he was
bestowed immortality for services rendered. Soultaker also had good reason to wear
his uniform; it allowed him the ability to belt on his saber.
"Hey what about me," came a small cry for inside the carriage. "She has had
more then enough time to flash her skinny legs," the tiny voice ranted on.
"Artimis get your friend before I have to," Pandora spun around snapping at her
husband. The quick movement allowed many to glimpse new revealed splendors.
Soultaker was already moving when Pandora made her request. He also caught a
quick flash of crimson in her eyes. "Hang on Stud," Soultaker called out. The Stud
had been his friend for so long that even Pandora had great affection for him. Even
with the tight bond that Death Stud had developed with Pandora, there were times when
his constant finding fault and whining pressed on her last nerve. Personally
Soultaker found Stud's attitude enjoyable. He had a hard time imagining a day
without his itty bitty buddy at his side.
With a nod from Soultaker, the coachman released a stepped pyramid shaped box
from the back of the carriage and carried it over to place in front of the door.
"What the hell, do you expect me to jump," Stud cried out. The box came to about
eight inches from being level with bottom of the door.
"Come on buddy, it's not that far a drop," Soultaker encouraged. In his mind,
Soultaker knew it was a frightening leap but he also knew Stud just needed a little
prodding. "We need to get going. They are having all of your favorite foods
tonight, and you don't want to miss it."
"I think they are messing with me. You know the Creepster or Manager put them
up to the menu," Stud whined.
"I think you are just a little paranoid," Soultaker replied fighting hard to
hold back a smile and chuckle. "It is a standard menu for one of these functions.
We start out with a SHRIMP cocktail as an appetizer; of course they have set up a
MINI bar for those that want a SMALL drink with their meal, the entree is braised
SHORT ribs with BABY carrots and TINY new potatoes, with strawberry SHORTcake for
dessert."
"Don't think I did not notice your accenting on all the height references.
That is what I am talking about. This is supposed to be an award banquet to honor my
studliness. You can bet if there are a bunch of hecklers tonight, I am going to kick
some major taaaiiiiilllll," Stud ranted as he made his leap of faith on the last
word. Stud quickly hopped down each of the eight inch steps to the street. With
each jump there was a loud thawak as his super special, highly polished, greatsword
(actually it is a ground down shortsword) smacked the wooden steps. Taking a second
to hitch his sword belt back up on his hips, Death Stud shot an evil glare and the
coachman and Soultaker. In his heart, Stud knew they had made the steps just that
way so he would have to hop down.
"I'm waiting," Pandora huffed quietly.
"Don't get your silk all in a wad," Stud countered. Death Stud wasn't going to
be rushed. This was his night to shine. He was being awarded for his winning the
last TOGS. He took a second to make sure his new clothes were presentable. He had
special ordered this outfit just for tonight. He felt pretty impressed with himself
as he strutted to catch up with Pandora. He wore a pair of black wool trousers that
had a button-up front panel with flared legs. His shirt was a red and white
horizontally striped shirt with a wide black leather belt crossing his chest to hold
his massive blade. Highly polished boot tips could be seen from under the belled
trousers. He had tied a colorful bandana around his head and slipped an authentic,
slightly used, eye-patch over his left eye. To set off his new outfit he had somehow
tied a dead chicken on his shoulder. "Damn," Stud thought to himself. "This is too
cool. I am finally going to get the accolades I deserve and I get to be a pirate".
Death Stud suddenly broke into singing the score from "Pirates of Penzance". He
almost broke into a skip as his tiny voice sang out, "I am the very model of a modern
Major-General".
Soultaker thanked the coachman and rushed to Pandora's side. Taking her arm
they moved up the walkway to be greeted by A-sop and Editor.
Both of the interviewers blushed as they got a close look at Pandora's gown.
Of course this brought a sly smile of satisfaction to Pandora's face. Editor broke
the quiet pause.
"Soultaker let me start with the first question on everyone's mind. Are you
going to THREEPEAT?"
"WoW (tm), you don't waste any time going to the tough questions," Soultaker
started in. "I know both Death Stud and I feel good about our stables, but the
competition here is unlike any other in Alastari. Having been lucky enough to win
this a couple times has painted a huge bulls-eye on our backs and the will be tough
to overcome." Soultaker mentally tried to remember all of the politically correct
answers. "Most of all it will depend on how we start out. I know I heard it said
that no winner of TOGS has ever started less then in third place on the beginning
round. We have to try our best to be competitive against such amazing managers,"
Soultaker recited.
Pandora had replaced her sly smile with a force greeting smile, but between
tight lips she added her thoughts, "You big kiss-@&%."
A-sop broke in with, "Last year it seemed your partner was near perfect. Are
you counting on him to have the same results?"
"I certainly hope so. Success in the TOGS really comes down to having the
right partner. We have seen the pairing of some of the best known managers in the
circuit, but they have been deemed wanting," Soultaker replied with a cocky grin.
"Speaking of partners where is yours," A-sop asked as she looked all around for
Death Stud.
About the time that Pandora and Soultaker started frantically searching and
calling out his name there came a huge screech of pure panic from Editor.
Editor's eyes grew to the size of plums as she continued to scream at the top
of her lungs.
Pandora being the first to react caught sight of Death Stud's tiny foot
sticking out from under Editor's gown. It seems that while the interview was going
on Death Stud had slipped between the large slit of Editor's gown. Like the strike
of a cobra, Pandora's hand darted under Editor's gown and snatched a hold of the
wiggling Stud.
"Hey wait up. Stop!!!! Hey," Death Stud yelled out as he struggled in Pandora's
grasp. "Hold up my bird is stuck!!!!
Pandora snatched the diminutive manager so hard that he almost lost his shoes.
Once she had him under control, Pandora half drug the mighty Death Stud into the
Scrodmore.
Editor's eyes were streaming tears as she was fighting hard to control her
emotions. A-sop's face was clearly showing rage.
Soultaker took one look at Editor and decided that this interview had pretty
much come to an end. Soultaker gave them both an apologetic look and rushed afet his
wife and best friend.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Anti-Letters to Home ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
"Hi Mom,
How are ya doing? Things are really exciting this week in Aradi as the
Tournament of the Golden Scrod is starting! I wasn't sure if I was gonna be in it or
anything since my friends in the FONZ clubhouse were all partnered already.
Or dead. At least that's what Inferno said he was when I asked him...he makes a
pretty corpse.... should probably keep Samwise away from him. Didn't think dead
people drank so much but what do I know?
But then like out of nowhere this Flagg guys says he wants to be my partner!
Cool huh? I wasn't sure if I should team with a guy I never met but then Hombre said
I would make a great "challenge sponge" and should definitely take his offer. Hombre
is such a cool guy, I don't know why they won't let him within 100 yards of the
elementary school... maybe he got too many detentions of something. Dunno.
So I'm very excited and can't wait to see how things go. Make sure to root for
me!
Trying hard to be the best sponge ever,
Anti
---------------------
Dear Anti,
I don't know who you are but please stop sending me letters. I am not your
Mother, I've never been to Aradi and never plan on going there in the future... from
what I've heard it's one big bowl of fruits, nuts and flakes. So please stop sending
me letters!
Best Regards,
Antoinette
---------------------
Mom,
Oh Ma you are such a kidder! You're like that voice in my head speaking in
latin, always giving me a hard time. But I still love you.
Well the first round didn't go so great. First Manager made fun of me in his
prediction page... getting looked down on by Manager is like having the cross-eyed
fat kid with an artificial leg picked before you in dodgeball.
THEN I matched up against my own partner twice and even killed one of his
warriors. Flagg said it wasn't a big deal but I still feel bad. I asked my FONZ
friends about it and they said that they had changed the locks and how did I get into
the building? Those goofs! Always with the joking around and throwing things at my
head and taking contracts out on me, such a hoot! Anyway, after they couldn't pry me
off of Death Stud's high chair/throne of skulls they calmed down and told me
everything was fine, nobody expected me to do anything of note except maybe amuse
them like a brain damaged monkey dancing for peanuts.
I don't know what that meant.
Well I have to go, there is a bunch of commotion outside, I want to see what's
going on...
Love ya,
Anti
---------------------
Anti,
This has been going on for two years now, when are you going to stop sending me
these damn letters?
Your so called friends sound like a bunch of hooligans. And what sort of loser
calls himself "Death Stud?"
Go away. Please.
Antoinette
---------------------
Mom,
Wow you wouldn't believe what's going on! Apparantly Death Stud accidently ran
a team he wasn't supposed to and according to the Consortium spokesman this has
broken some seventh seal and now the seas will run red with blood and fire is going
to fall from the sky! ISN'T THAT COOL!
Also I learned a new phrase: Douche Nozzle! That's what Pauly said when he saw
Manager in the town square on a soapbox saying they must run Death Stud out of town
before he eats all the babies or something. Not sure what he said, Manager's voice
tends to be muffled what with his head shoved up his...
So anyways it's pretty exciting around here, can't wait to see what happens
next!
Love,
Anti
---------------------
Anti,
You are just not going to stop are you? I was talking to Desmond, my REAL son
and he says he might know someone who can track you down in Aradi and "convince" you
to stop writing me.
And do people in Aradi really get that worked up over stupid things like that?
Buncha wonks.
Hoping something bad happens to you,
Antoinette
---------------------
Hiya Mom,
Weird thing happened, Death Stud and Soultaker said that since their presence
in the Tournament was going to bring about the bloody death of everyone within 20
miles of Aradi that they would leave.
Well instead of making everyone happy, now everyone is crying and saying that
THIS is the end of the world.
That Creepster guy is in sackcloth and ashes, he's pee'd all over himself and
is rolling around in his own filth in town square square saying "I refuse to let this
happen! This will not happen!" Of course he also does this every other Thursday but
this time he really seems to mean it.
Commisioner Nuln is supposed to be making some announcement about this soon...
hopefully everything will quiet down after that. Of course the last time Nuln made an
announcement it was to declare that he was going to marry a bowl of "Cream of Wheat"
so who knows?
Miss ya,
Anti
---------------------
Anti,
Cream of wheat?! Are you high?!
Man I hope that guy my son hired finds you soon.
Antoinette
---------------------
Mom,
Things seem back to normal around here. Nuln gave some points to people and
Death Stud and Soultaker aren't leaving. Yay!
Now I just need to stop killing my partner's warriors and things will be cool.
I gotta get ready for the next turn so I'll cut this short, hope things are well with
you.
Lotsa love,
Anti
P.S. Weird thing happened this week, some guy in black leather showed up at the FONZ
place asking for me... said he was there on behalf of some lady named Antoinette.
Dunno who that would be, but I never did find out cuz Indimar and Pauly said
something about the guy having a "purty mouth" and dragged him out back to the
storage shed. Haven't heard from the guy since. What a weird world.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
We join Zalgor Prigg shortly after his arrival outside of Dal Shang relaxing and
starting over, a new life where he is able to leave all his past troubles and
mistakes behind... magically (wait, this is Lirith Kai, no magic) ahem, miraculously
free of his past tendencies and unhealthy traits. Right... anyway thats what Zalgor
believed at the time.
Everything begins innocently enough. Zalgor gives up managing altogether within
six months of the journey and in that time devotes himself to his new life. He makes
new friends, starts participating in the community, learning the culture, sharing and
teaching the values... truly buying into the new life he sees himself living. A year
passes and his best friend and closest confidant decides it is time to move on (she
claims to being called away, but Zalgor heard nothing... he certainly believes her
however). He helps her move, promises to keep in touch and leaves the door open for
a commitment that she has been pushing for for 6 months and he honestly just does not
understand. This would be the first in a long sequence of events which leads Zalgor
from the naive idea that everything was alright to the realization that nothing has
actually changed and it won't until he accepts that al change requires first
accepting that you have a problem, then discovering where the problem stems from,
then resolving the issues that caused the problem, then learning a health way to live
that you never even knew existed. Of course Zalgor is blissfully unaware of this
point as he travels with Vhirla to the heart of Free Blade lands protecting her and
assisting her as she gets settled into her new life.
When he arrives back home where everything is essentially unchanged... except he
is without his best friend and confidant of the past 8 months. He throws himself
into doing everything and pleasing everyone, trying to forget he is, in fact, alone
except for his son... not because he has no friends, not because he has no
activities, but because he still has not opened himself up at least not to anyone
left in Dal Shang province. While in the midst of this abandon, he finds an
interesting woman, one that seems safe enough. She is a leader in the caretaking
community and on the surface a completely healthy and seemingly selfless individual
commited to the common good. So we leave Zalgor this week believing that life is
soon to become a blissful place full of love and joy... a testament that the past is
over and a bright new future is beginning. We all know things are never quite so
easy.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Pip's subpar spotlight #2 -- By: Pip ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Well I'd like to take this time to do something that really needs to be done,
and that is insult and spread rumors about every single togs manager. So, In no
particular order here we go:
Team 1 - Haunted Pasta
Pure Evil (Haunt) -- Has a face so ugly only a mother could love it. If that mother
was blind in one eye, and had a cataracts in the other.
Pastafarians (Gen. Ironcide) He......words cannot decribe how much I hate you.
============================================
Team 2 - The Paulson Army of Champions
Wing Hove (Indimar) -- I read your spotlight last turn. What you wrote was one of
the most insanely idiotic things I have ever seen. At no point in your rambling,
incoherent writing were you even close to anything that could be considered a
rational thought. Everyone in this game is now dumber for having read it. If I were
in charge of this contest, I would award you negative points, and may God have mercy
on your soul.
The Bunkhouse (Pauly) -- If you really want to know about mistakes you should ask
your parents.
============================================
Team 3 - Team S&M
Superior Forces 1601 (Manager) -- Manager is as wise as the world is flat.
Villainous Legion (Seraphim) -- He's about as brilliant and sane as Tom Cruise.
============================================
Team 4 - Killer Wedgies
Fruit of the Loom (Mannequin) -- He almost missed the contest because he was busy
trying to put m&m's in alphabetical order.
Childhood Trauma (Samwise) -- Was recently fired from the m&m factory for throwing
out all the defective w's.
============================================
Team 5 - T.H.R.E.E.P.E.A.T.
Death Studs VII (Death Stud) -- His boss would gladly pay him what he's worth, but
it's against the Minimum Wage Law.
Eloquent Knights (Soultaker) -- He's a real Don Juan with the ladies... the ladies
Don Juan to have anything to do with him.
============================================
Team 6 - Motor City Madmen
No Hammer Hammerz (Hammer) -- I hear hammer moves quiet as a cat and can walk
through doors and walls without being seen. I have nothing bad to say about him at
all. He's behind me isn't he?
My Best Buds 2 (Street Legal) -- Where'd you get those clothes from, the toilet
store?
============================================
Team 7 - Lurocian Demons
Demons of Darkness (Rillion) -- A modest little person, with much to be modest
about.
Lurocians T308 (The Greek Guy) -- If he had one more brain, he'd make an excellent
halfwit.
============================================
Team 8 - Chocolate Fudge Monkey Express
Hit Me With... (Pip the Troll) -- What an awesome guy. If you see him in the
street, you should give him money. lots of it.
Devil's Workshop (Master Darque) -- Can't say much for this guys choice of
partners.
============================================
Team 9 - C.O.L.L.U.S.I.O.N.
Crazy Creeps (The Creepster) -- I would ask how old you are, but I know you can't
count that high.
The Eyes Have It (Slugbait) -- Has to wear a porkchop necklace to get dogs to play
with him.
============================================
Team 10 - N.U.T.S.A.C.K.Z.
Wild Cards (Snotman) -- Some men drink from the fountain of knowledge. Snotman
merely gargled.
4000 Blows (Nuln) -- I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed, animal
food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and
your father smelt of elderberries.
============================================
Team 11 - Monkey F.I.S.T.
TPW Forever (Anti) -- Do you still love nature....despite what it did to you?
My Present (Flagg) -- Here's 20 cents, call all your friends and give me back the
change.
============================================
Team 12 - Mixed Up Philosophers
Greco Roman (Tig Toad) -- When he was born the doctor said,"I'm gonna drop it, if
it falls its a rat, if it flies its a bat".
CLNGE (Zalgor Prigg) -- You're such a... a... well a word hasn't yet been invented
to describe what you are. But you are one, and a big one.
============================================
Team 13 - The French Bread Connection
House of Grain (Swinetiger) -- Your asinine simian countenance alludes that your
fetid stench has anulled the anthropoid ape species diversity.
La Boulange (Le Pentarque) -- I'm not saying he's slow, but he was recently seen
throwing a credit card into a wishing well.
============================================
Team 14 - Punk in Drublic
Dreamtime (Hombre) -- Could possibly miss this turn, he's busy checking on ebay to
see if someone has a life for sale.
GenX Perfect Hits (Elephant) -- Other than being smelly, stupid, disgusting, and
irritating, he's an all around Ok guy.
My apologies if I missed anyone, or failed to offend you.
2 down, 11 to go.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ An Alternate Reality Stimulation ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
TOGS Special Edition Number Two
A Motor City MadMen Manuscript
by Hammer the WordSmith
A number of cycles before the Adorables sponsored TOSG Contest [Tournament of
the Silver Goat] had begun in the All Righty Arena in the realm of All Starry Eyed
[in a Time that was Far Far Ago and Long Long Away!], the Freebies were gathering a
select few managers and teams in a slow motion arena aptly titled StormCrewe Arena
for the StormCrewe SlaughterStable Contest hosted by Master Dank [who was partnered
with his alliance mate known far and wide throughout the realm of All Starry Eyed as
the rabid Rat], where one particular veteran manager was having a difficult time with
his selection of contest partners!
The veteran manager known far and wide throughout the realm of All Starry Eyed
as Hammered [from the combination of having been traveling the corridors of the
Space/Time/Dimensional realms on countless adventures; plus being the recipient of
contest sponsoring burnout and vicious verbal abuse from the gladiatorial groups of
Adorables, Devolves and Freebies alike!] had been partnered with two different
managers for the SternCrewe SlaughterStable who had mysteriously disappeared and left
Hammered alone and partnerless in the contest.
Prior to the SternCrewe SlaughterStable the manager known throughout the All
Starry Eyed realm as BaphoYank had mysteriously been swallowed up by a reality rift
that had found its way into the inner sanctum santorum of the numbers cruncher who
had not since been able to find his way back to the All Starry Eyed realm to continue
his gladiatorial experimentations with a wide variety of unpredictable warrior
recruits supplied by and registered with the All Starry Eyed Gladiatorial Commmission
[and SomeTimes of Untimely and InConvenient Ommission!] which Serves as a Body of
Barbaric Bashers with BroadSwords Arena Boosters! BaphoYank had inconveniently
disappeared.
Hammered was then contacted by another manager known throughout the All Starry
Eyed realm as MiniThousand who was a trusted ally of Master Dank and Rat, but as a
wisp of smoke carried away by a brisk breeze, the veteran manager known as
MiniThousand had failed to activate his gladiators for the SternCrewe SlaughterStable
Contest that was hosted by his alliance mate Master Dank. MiniThousand had also
inconveniently and mysteriously vanished from the All Starry Eyed realm. But Hammered
stayed the course!
Then the announcement that the TOSG Contest Registration was now underway had
reached the veteran manager, so Hammered once again selected a partner for this
legendary Tournament of the Silver Goat, none other than the veteran manager known
throughout the All Starry Eyed realm as the chosen one named GJWorthington, but GJW
proved to be too busy managing his businesses to find the financial freedom to devote
to a new TOSG stable!
So what was Hammered to do? What he really needed was a TOSG partner from one of
the Devolves minions who could care less about the frail egos of the Adorables
Managerial Association and who could care even less about what the Freebies had to
say about his style of play in the All Starry Eyed realm of ego strokers and ego
chokers who were already registering their TOSG Teams and talking and stalking smacky
lips in the All Righty Arena Spots and P-ads on a regular daily basis! Now What Would
Hammered Do?
Perhaps there was just such a manager from the Devolves who would be willing to
partner with Hammered in the quest for the ultimate prize offering in the Tournament
of the Silver Goat, but the manager that Hammered knew to be the right mix for the
TOSG competition would have to be found somewhere in another alternate universe where
he was probably lurking when not actively appearing in the All Starry Eyed realm of
gladiatorial combat zones!
Hammered reached into a hidden pocket of his Elders Warrior Cloak and withdrew
the Troll Transport Trinket that propelled the veteran manager rather unceremoniously
along the corridors of the Space/Time/Dimensional realms countless times beforehand.
With a burst of kaleidoscopic colors and smoke the veteran manager known far and
wide throughout the realm of All Starry Eyed as Hammered was instantly and
unceremoniously transferred from the SternCrewe Arena guild house where the veteran
manager had been forsaken by previous managerial partners in the SternCrewe
SlaughterStable Contest, but now propelled along the corridors of his transference to
be instantly deposited on the pavement of Fort Adroit where the Devolve manager that
Hammered was seeking was sure to be found in the Hockey Clown Cafe! Yes, the Hockey
Clown Cafe where a certain Devolve manager known far and wide throughout the realm of
All Starry Eyed as Street Lethal was sure to be alienating everyone he came in
contact with as only Street Lethal had the special gifting to do! Right here at
Hockey Clown Cafe where Street Lethal was sure to be found watching his beloved Dread
Wings do battle on the ice as the wintery heart and soul of the populace of the Fort
Adroit hockey clowns!
"May Your Blades Be Sharp and Your Wits Sharper!"
Hammer
Minister of War
Abattoir Scarlet Knight
Order of Lost Souls
Aradi Antagonist
TOGS Tuffie
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ THE BUNKHOUSE ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Pauly woke up in a cold sweat. Sitting up quickly, he frantically ran his hands
over his head. Breathing a sigh of relief, he realized it had only been a dream,
albeit a vivid one. It was a troubling dream in which Nuln and Snotman had somehow
become zombies and were quenching their zombielust by feasting on Pauly's brain. And
let's not kid ourselves by making brain size jokes, it WOULD have been a feast had it
been reality. A mighty, gut-busting feast for the ages. But it was not reality, and
Pauly's mind was still working, just waiting to be unleashed on an unsuspecting
world. May the gods save us all.
A much relieved Pauly hopped out of bed, got washed up and dressed, and went
outside. Pauly stood on the front porch of his ranch house and looked around. He
once again thought of how lucky he had been to move to Aradi when he did. It was a
few weeks before the start of TOGS V, when he decided to start a stable of warriors
in Aradi. At the time a livestock ban had rocked the foundations of the island
community. Every rancher had to either sell his livestock to mainland or move
somewhere else and start a new ranch. This caused a lot of property to be put up for
sale and for cheap. It was a sweet setup, the arena and barn were perfect for
training and standing right next to them was an old bunkhouse perfect for housing the
warriors. The barn and bunkhouse had taken a while to clean up, what with all the
strange leather harnesses and chains hanging everywhere, but once all that was gone,
they had a real homey feel.
Pauly walked over to the west side of the ranch house where the entrance to the
storm cellar was located. He opened the doors and walked down. The cellar was
stocked with food, water, blankets, limbo bar, and an origami kit for beginners. The
essentials. At the back wall, Pauly ran his hand over the stone searching for the
right spot. He pushed in gently and the wall swung open before him. Grabbing the
torch hanging from the wall, Pauly looked at the descending spiral ramp before him.
On the way down he followed a deliberate path obviously avoiding traps he himself had
set. Finally, nearly a quarter mile below the surface of Alastari, Pauly came to a
door. A plaque on the door read:
SUPER SECRET STRATEGY ROOM
Pauly produced a key and opened the door. It was a small room with a long table
in the center. On the table was stacks and stacks of fight reports. Sitting around
the table going over the reports were twelve chimpanzees. One looked up and saw
Pauly standing in the doorway. He hopped off of his chair, scampered over and handed
him a piece of paper. Pauly silently read the paper, his eyebrows arching up and
down alternately, slow at first but picking up speed as he read. When he finished, a
smile bloomed on his face. "Excellent work my furry little minions. Yes, excellent
indeed."
Pauly closed the door and made his way back to the surface. He sighed and
patted the monkey whip hanging on his belt, happy that he didn't have to use it.
Chimps didn't have the best work ethic in the world, but boy did they know how to
strategize. Besides, Pauly was a busy man with many emerging enterprises (soon to be
revealed). So what if his team was run by a brain trust of primates. They did one
hell of a job and they worked for bananas.
Pauly was feeling very pleased with his own genius when he reached the surface
and was about to let out a maniacal laugh when he noticed some dude nosing around the
bunkhouse. "Hey," yelled Pauly, "Can I help you with something?"
The man turned and saw Pauly. He ran over quickly, a smile on his face. "Hi,"
said the stranger, "Sorry about the trespassing but I'm looking for someone."
"Who would that be?" asked Pauly, one hand straying to his monkey whip, as he
wasn't entirely sure if this man was on the level. Although on a closer look, Pauly
could have sworn he had seen this guy before.
"Mannequin," said the stranger, "You see, I love Mannequin, I must find
Mannequin! Tell me where Mannequin is! Arrrrrrrrr!"
"Whoa," said Pauly, "Calm down. I can help you find Mannequin. All you have to
do is follow the trail of dead bodies. In fact, there's a fairly new trail of dead
not but a half mile east of this very spot, as the scrod swims. If you can't find
that exact one, don't panic. Just keep looking until you find any trail of dead
bodies, and trust me, you will. I'm surprised you haven't heard the saying, 'All
trails of dead bodies lead to Mannequin'. It's known everywhere he sets foot."
"Thanks!" exclaimed the man, and he took off at full speed, not realizing that
he was probably running to his death.
Pauly shook his head and was about to go about his business, when it suddenly
dawned on him who the man was. It was Andrew McCarthy. Pauly laughed, thinking
Mannequin was in for a big surprise.
Already forgetting about the strange meeting, Pauly let out a shrill whistle.
Out of nowhere, Laverne the Giant Demon Muskrat suddenly appeared. It wasn't
actually nowhere, it was some odd hellish dimension where she liked to chill when
Pauly wasn't around. He hopped on her back and said, "Well Laverne, it's time. Time
to find the item that's going to make me the richest man in all of Aradi. Hi ho
muskrat, away!" Laverne shot forward like a freshly greased scrod and leapt into the
air, and before she hit the ground she, along with Pauly, disappeared in a flash of
sulphur.
*Tune in next turn to see the item that Pauly covets above all else! Not to mention
the possibility of another strange encounter, whose only purpose is to reference a
mildly popular movie from the 80s! Oh yeah!
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Dreamtime ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
"Ok, I'm ready...let's do thiseth" the Chaos Lord exclaimed after taking a deep
breath. He sat nervously in his throne anxious to hear his best friend...er, his
only friend read off the questions from from his 'E-harmanyone that gets in your way'
dating questionnaire.
"Here we go, just answer honestly, you know, be yourself." Snotman began....
"Height?"
"I AM A TOWERING PYRE OF CRUSHING DESPAIR, A LARGER THAN LIFE SYMBOL OF PAIN AND
DEVASTATION!" the Chaos Lord bellowed.
"Ok, so... 7'2"." Snotman shook his head, "Weight?"
"With armor, 1200 lbs, without, a buck-ten..."
Snotman held back a laugh. "K, this one says optional... Religion?"
"I AM THE GOD OF GODS! THOSE WHO WORSHIP ME HAVE THEIR MOST EVILETH DREAMS
REALIZED AND THE BLASHPHEMERS AND NON-BELIEVERS ARE SWEPT UNDER THE RUG OF A MOST
DISGUSTING AND UNKIND AS IT WERE, DEATHETH!!!"
Snotman looked bewildered. "Yeah, I'll put N/A, that sort-of means the same
thing... Ok, some 'fun-facts,' What are some of your hobbies?"
"I ENJOY SUCKING THE MARROW OF THE BONES FROM THOSE WHO STAND IN MY WAY,
BLIGHTING THE PATHETIC ARADIAN FARMERS CROPS AND CRUSHING THE SKULLS OF THE WEAK WITH
MY CHAOS MACE(tm)"
"Ok...long walks on the beach..." Snotman scribbled with the quill. "So what
are you looking for in a woman?"
"A SERVANT, A SLAVE TO MY DEMONIC DESIRES YET SOMEONE STRONG ENOUGH TO RULE THIS
LAND BY MY SIDE. SOMEONE WHO WILL SIT BY ME IN AN ONLY SLIGHTLY LESS BIG CHAOS
THRONE OF EVIL RULE! Oh, and she can cook."
"Well...huh...ok then...and undead right?"
"Well yeah, she definitely has to be undead...which reminds me, we are running a
little low on brains and our undead army...let's go out and get some more."
Meanwhile... "I'm not sure if your lips are ready for more Collagen, Mr... uhm..
Hombre sir."
Hombre looked disappointed at the doctor's words...well, maybe he did, it may
have been a happy look, or confused...or a mixture of the three, it really doesn't
matter. "Ud I aunt orrr!"
"And another thing, we are running out of the substance that we inject into your
lips, and since you are the most popular of all the managers and a fashion icon, the
phones for appointments are ringing off the hook, we are going to have to start
turning people away." said the Doctor.
"Ut all the uggy eetol uh aradi haz a chance to ee ootiful with they ig lits!!
We nust has nore uhz this sudstance!! Uht is it and ere can I get son nor??" Hombre
spittled.
"Well, Mr. Hombre, Uhm, I'm not quite sure how to say this, so I'll just spit it
out, we use human brains."
"Oh thatsh no hrolen...they Hlenty o usless rains here in aradi, I nean, itsh
not like anyuhn else is ondering around aradi gradding all the rains... HAHAHAHAHHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!" Hombre laughed, but looked sad. Maybe... Can't quite tell.
Will Nuln get any answers to his dating questionnaire? Will Nuln and Snotman get
more undead for the army and destroy more good lip swelling gray matter in the
process? Will Hombre get to the brains of the Aradi citizens before them? Will
Hombre look even more incredible with his lips even bigger? Stay tuned next time for
the answers to these questions and more for:
'She's a Brainiac, BRAINIAC oh noooooooo!!'
-- Hombre
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ MY BEST BUDS 2 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Today at the My Best Buds 2 guildhouse was a rare sight indeed to behold. A
circle formed in the "smoking room" near the center of the small fortress (no that is
not the rare part, come on, really now have you never read a spot from this team nor
get the pun of their name) and a purple haze wafted through the air. Sitting next to
Zig-Zag Man, and as far away as possible from Fez, was none other than Street Legal.
His five warriors espoused their pleasure in having him sit in with them for a
litlle, errr um, training. The question clearly had to be what was the cause for
this occassion and it was of course Fez who found the way to ask it, and in a way
only he could. "So what brings you to our little circle Mr. Street Legal?"
He shot a glance at him as the exact question I have purpoosely omitted as I
know it would never fly past even a distracted Ed!
"Well Boys let me tell you why I felt the need to sit amongst you on this day.
I have experienced something today that I need to try and completely obliterate from
any recesses of an already clearly troubled mind. Lest they take hold and push me to
become a roommate with the Creepster at te...um Inn!" Sitting on the floor he scooted
his back to where his chair was and eased up to it leaning back against it as he took
a long draw from the peace pipe which had just come to him.
"I was over at Death Stud's guildhouse to speak with him about "The incident" or
"non-incident" as it might rightfully be. Soultaker and he were sitting there
speaking about their future in the ToGS, which he hoped the two would stay on for.
Soultaker had out his "Dome polish" and was working on a nice sheen while Death Stud
of course had a Nuln's Nut Sack to nosh on.
"Mighty Mite pulled forth a few of his favored peanuts from the sack and began
to chew upon them. Stud said he swore he was done with ToGS this was it. Soultaker
agreed that he too had no further desire to paticipate as well. He was fed up with
controversy. Just then I walked to a third chair in the room and sat myself down.
"I implored upon them to hang in there this was merely turn 1 controversy and
soon someone else some other manager, or even Manager, would soon make an error and
the heat would be shifted elsewhere thus relieving Stud of his awfully silly mistake.
I suggested they head out for the evening, find something they both enjoyed and make
a night of it, then come back have a few beers (well daiquiris in their cases) and
get their teams ready for turn 2.
"A fine idea indeed Street." Soultaker replied. <Fez interrupted> "That is
shocking having Soulie agree with you."> Fez chuckled. "Not that you idiot now shut
up and listen." Street shot back. "Good then it's settled you guys will reconsider
your leaving I asked of them. Yes indeed they replied. Then a wry smile shot across
Death Stud's face. "I have it," he shouted with glee as he leaned forward in his
booster seat to tell Soulie his idea. "The perfect activity to cheer us up."
Soultaker leaned forward to listen to what his fellow ToGSer had to say as he chewed
on his own favored nut from his Nut Sack...Brazil Nut and Walnut mix.
"Reach over and grab my Bowling Ball Bag." Stud said with a gleam in his eye.
"Say what?" Soultaker said and I thought. After all the carrying of you I've done in
ToGS past just do it he shouted back. "Not on your little life" Soulie guffawed
back. "Fine then at least grab some peasnuts for me. Is that too much to ask of
you?" he said with a mouthful. "Good god Little man what the heck is wrong with
you?" Soulie said exasperated. Stud swallowed and said "Grab me some Peanuts while I
get my bowling ball bag out." I must say I felt like a one legged Cat on a frozen
pond trying to bury something at that moment. "Oh peanuts" Soulie replied back and
thus obliged.
Just then Death Stud explained he had just been downtown and saw that there was
a new store in town between Nuln's Nut Sacks and Manager's Teabags (tm). "I walked
down to get some Peanuts and saw this sign ELEPHANT'S BOWLING BALL BAGS" and
discovered that Elephant had designed and made these wonderful new bags to place our
bowling balls in and decided I had to have an Elephant Bowling Ball Bag (tm). We're
going bowling tonight Soulie." Soultaker looked relieved, if not still a little in a
daze, as he loved a good night of bowling, he actually just liked wearing those clown
shoes but....
By that point even though I realized there was nothing truly sick about what I
had just witnessed I knew I would probably never get that original imagery, produced
by that discussion, out of my head. Thus here I am; now PUFF, PUFF, PASS DARN IT!
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
The House of Grain Chronicles -- Chapter 2: Yak in Black
As SwineTiger and his Grainiacs headed out toward the Mordant Olympics, Naan
Violent broke his month long silence a month too late. "Why are we making this epic
trek to the Mordant Olympics when it's not even open to the public anymore?
Mannequin had it privatized after it became public that he owned pretty much every
team in the arena. It always irked me that the arena judges high fived him before
the duels."
A wise man once said you could lead a horse to water, but you can't make him
drink it. That man had never broken all of a horse's legs with an axe handle and
held the beast's head in a trough. As the Grain trust railed down on Naan's legs
before the dunking, he had wished that wise man was around.
"You look like bread pudding," SwineTiger joked. "How about if we try this TOGS
thing instead?"
"But master, we don't know the first thing about TOGS," said Scorn.
"Ah, but during this trip, I've studied up on it and know exactly what to do.
For starters, we get to throw the first turn."
"All four of us?!? That doesn't make any sense."
"Yes, I can see how your doughy brains might not grasp the purpose of this
strategic move. You see, the lower you are in the rankings, the better your score is
when you challenge upwards," explained SwineTiger.
"But shouldn't we be throwing the match right before the first one since we will
already be in the contest?"
Scorn made a brilliant point, but brilliance only counts if someone is
listening. SwineTiger was crunching so loudly on a Sapleen(tm), he didn't hear him.
A MONTH LATER IN THE FAIR CITY OF ARADI...
SwineTiger arrived in town and headed to his old haunt, the Brown Sign Inn.
Rigly was working the tap today and greeted him with a sneer.
"How's it hanging?" SwineTiger asked.
"I think it's going to drop any day now the way the rats keep chewing on it,"
said Rigly as he pointed upwards to the frayed rope that the decaying maggot infested
yak's head with a halo of flies dangled from. "It's starting to look like Elephant,
but with better teeth. Smells better too." Beneath the head was a mug which Rigly
used to catch some of the flesh, juices and parasite droppings after he tapped it
with a stick. He quickly put the mug behind the table as another patron entered the
Inn.
Death Stud walked up to the bar and said "Hit me, Tomas."*
Rigly mixed some Whiskey with the yak remnants and watched Death Stud slurp down
a shot glass full. That scrodjob has never gotten my name right, thought Rigly, as
he slyly pushed what looked like a tumor with legs back into a second cup of the yak
ale and slid it over to the tool in the pink cape, paper crown and bunny slippers.
* See Death Stud spotlight from Turn 436
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Fast Times at Aradi High ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
By: The Greek Guy
Everyone walked into the building. There were only six rooms on the first
floor. Each door had the teacher's name carved in the wood. The Greek Guy and
Rillion broke off from the others as they had Aradish first.
"I hate this class," exclaimed Rillion. "Who really cares about proper Aradish.
As long as I win my fights no one will care how I conjugate a verb."
"Yea, well the winning your fights seem to be causing you some problems now
doesn't it." The Greek Guy stated with a smile on his face.
Rillion just gave him a dirty look and they continued into class. Their teacher
was Sandy. She wouldn't let them call her Miss Sandy. They figured it was because
she was so young herself that she didn't like to be seen as older by her students.
She was a free spirit for sure. She was always reading poetry in class and having us
write it. Boring!! Snotman came into class and sat down beside them on the back
row. It was easy to see how he got his nickname. He had a rag and was furiously
wiping a nice green slime from out of his nose. Every year when the harvest was
about done, the snot started.
"Hey guys," he said as he blew his nose again.
"Sup snotty," I replied.
The rest of the class was arriving...well except for Manager who already had his
scrolls out and had been in class as early as Sandy opened the door.
"I hope you had a great summer and had a chance to get out and enjoy nature,"
she said as she gazed out the window.
"Oh man this class blows. I can't wait until our first fight against Arvat next
Friday. I tell you if it wasn't for being on the gladiator squad I would have left
this school long ago," Rillion replied.
The class finished and after we woke up we made our way to the rest of our
morning classes. None of us could wait until after school when all the members of
the Aradi gladiator team trained together. The school day finally ended. I always
hated the first day of school...well actually I hated pretty much every day but the
first day always seemed the worst. The sun was shining and it was hot as we made our
way into the arena that was constructed out behind the school. Today were the
tryouts for the gladiator squad. Even though many of us had been on the team before
the manager always made us all tryout again and that way he could also give the new
students a chance. One scrawny dude named Swinetiger and his chunky sidekick Le
Pentarque were both trying out. They both had swords and were sparring with each
other. The Sentinel walked up and stood behind Rillion and I. Soultaker and Tigtoad
came over to join us as well.
"Just look at those guys," The Sentinel said.
"Hey we were all new once," Soultaker replied.
"Yea, but at least we knew how to fight. I bet they wouldn't even earn us one
point next Friday at the game," stated Tig Toad.
At that time Coach Phido called for everyone to pick up a weapon and start to
get stretched.
There were about 28 people trying out this year. The coach usually only kept 10
of us gladiators on the team. Looking at some of the competition it was going to be
easier than usual to make the team. There was some old man trying to show his son
the right way to hold his sword. His son was named Pauly. The problem for Pauly was
that his dad looked even worse than he did holding a sword. Smiling The Greek Guy
said, "I think I'll pick that guy to spar with today."
The guys around him laughed.
"Take it easy on him, it's not his fault he was taught to fight by a dung
dealer," Rillion quipped.
With that The Greek Guy grabbed his longsword and walked over to the new
recruit.
To be continued
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ "The Four" ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
By Nuln
"Please?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
"Please?"
"Negatory."
"What if I said pretty please?"
"Still noeth."
"Please?"
"You know this is why I avoideth public settings with you?"
"Please?"
"NOETH, FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT PUT YOU IN MY FOURETH!!!!"
Yes, to be in Nuln's "Fav' Four" (or alternately, just "The Four") was to be
part of an exclusive club that everyone who was anyone strove (strived? strovened?
streeved?) for. So much so, that like Soultaker in this instance, they would even
follow Nuln to his morning class at Zombie Finishing School (long story), on a
weekday no less, to try to gain access. Indeed, reputations were made and destroyed
based on whether or not you were in (or out, as the case may be) of The Four. An
invite to Nuln's Four was like having your soul dipped in solid gold then dipped in
chocolate and then dipped in gold again. It meant you didn't have to wait at the end
of the line three blocks away when Johnny Rottenscrod played an exclusive, unplugged
concert down at the Blinking Sign. It meant that not only did others actually start
to treat you with respect for the first time in your life once you were in The Four,
but that the gods seemed to smile down on those in The Four in other ways as well.
Those in The Four always seemed to get good replacement rollups, and their coffee at
Scrodbucks was never weak or cold. Oh yes, being in Nuln's Four had some what can be
called serious upside, mad cachet, prestige to the infinity squared by a google.
"Can anybody," wheezed the zombie insructor in a bedraggled tone, "tell me what
the twelve signs are that you have had your brain eaten by a zombie? Anyone?
Anyone? Anyone?"
Even though he wasn't in the class, Soultaker raised his hand as he believed he
knew the answer. When he finished to a raucous applause from his new classmates,
Soultaker looked over to his dismay to see that Nuln had gone and vanished.
<later that day, at the Blinking Sign>
The Greek Guy sat at a barstool inside the trendy watering hole, doing some
damage to a tall stein of the latest microbrew in town, "Scrodfarfel's Delight," and
trying to avoid his team which was a little farther down the bar. For some reason
the Greek Guy had a horrible feeling, a feeling, more specifically, that something
horrible was going to happen. To him. Or someone close.
"TGG! Boyoiyoi!!" a familiar voice called out in ghetto-style from behind
the legendary BoB member, and he turned to find Pauly standing with a big grin in
front of him.
"Boyoiyoi?" queried the Greek Guy, his eyebrows raised in skepticism.
"Just some idiotic expression I picked up. Hey, you better reign in the
leash on your boys down there," Pauly nodded over at the Greek Guy's warriors, "you
do know tomorrow it's fight night. Well, it's really during the day, but fight night
sounds better than fight day, so."
Amazingly, the Greek Guy outwardly showed no panic, but he in fact did *not*
know that the fights were tomorrow. It was a long story, longer than we have time
for here thankfully, but the Greek Guy had come in to Scrodburg on the coast on the
3:25 from Lurocasippi just the other day, and was totally thrashed. Then the Greek
Guy remembered the horrible feeling he had been feeling just before Pauly had
distracted him from it, and he looked down the bar fearfully as Sardasia smashed
Shamika over the head with an empty glass mug. Bleeding ensued.
"Gotta run broseph! Don't forget: boyoiyoiyoi!!! That was an extra 'yoi' by
the way." Said Pauly, and turned to leave.
The Greek Guy hoped that Rillion or any of his people didn't happen by the
bar, as he would have some serious 'splaining to do. After careful consideration,
the Greek Guy remained seated with his stein, awaiting his fate.
So it was that a tall, dark figure came up behind the Greek Guy. He was
draped in all black, an assassin's outfit, except on his head he wore a bright yellow
sash with a black and red "4" emblazoned on it. The man in black had no name, for he
did not need one. His face was never seen, with one exception, and one only. You
were out of The Four.
"Wh-wh-wh-wh..." stammered the Greek Guy, all the strength leaving his
extremities as he sank to the floor. The room had grown deathly silent, and everyone
had cleared a wide berth for the two.
In his signature move, the man in black pulled out a small white business
card, on it a blood red 4 with a line through it. With obvious disgust, he tossed
the card at the feet of the Greek Guy, as the crowd at the Blinking Sign collectively
went "Oooohhhhh!"
"Wh-wh-what d-did I do?" wimpered the Greek Guy, "What...?"
The manager's broken sobs echoed in the silence as the crowd parted, and the
man in black left as he had come, silent and unhindered. Slowly sounds and life
returned to the Blinking Sign, and the Greek Guy managed to pull himself up to his
feet.
"I need some fresh air." he thought miserably to himself, for really, what the
was the point in continuing on now? With a lifeless trudge, the manager carried
himself to the doorway, stepping into the cool night air.
The Greek Guy's jaw dropped. Where the six horses he had just bought (at an
expensive eagle) had been tethered lay six headless horse torso's, in a rather messy
pile.
Now completely numb, the Greek Guy reeled as he read the business card he
plucked from one of the saddles: "My bad! Boyoiyoi! -- Pauly"
<later still, in Scrodbottom Hollows>
"Ah my, dear, isn't it...oh, i don't know, romantic or something out here?"
Said Soultaker, leaning in to his wife who lay beside him on the picnic blanket.
"I can never remember," replied Pandora, chewing gum while she talked, "are we
in Scrodhollow Bottoms, or Scrodbottom Hollows?"
"Just remember," said Soultaker, reciting the old Aradi nursery song,
"Scrodhollow Bottom high, Scrodbottom Hollows below; we're south, so it's
Scrodbottoms for us."
There was a pause, and it was obvious that there was some source of tension
existing between the two.
"Well, aren't you going to ask?" said Soultaker finally, a look of fear and
desperation on his face.
"I was hoping I wouldn't have had to, Artie." replied Pandora severely. She
wasn't fooling around. "I was hoping you would tell me. Tell me what you know I've
been waiting to hear."
"Dammit Pandy, it's just not fair! You know it's not fair!" Soultaker
pleaded, what had been a romantic evening in a bog now going completely to hell.
Pandora held her gaze, her silence speaking volumes.
"I can't get any access to him you know that, I mean I don't what it is, he
just won't give me the time of day any more, I just..."
"You're in the same non-alliance for crying out loud!" screamed Pandora,
throwing a bottle of hot sauce at Soultaker's head. "Can't you pull any strings?!?
You know what this mean could mean to my career?"
"But Pandy, there are only four out there, I'm telling you, only four!! Don't
you understand? You have to understand."
"Understand this," snapped Pandy, standing up and grabbing her jacket. "You
can spend the night by yourself tonight here in Scrodbottom Hollows; I don't want to
speak to you again 'til you're *in* The Four!!!!"
<yes, still later still, let's call it the next day>
For the sake of Ed., and by that extension humanity, we're going to have to
cut this one short here. Savor the tension, chew on the gristly bits of plot nuggets
and drink down the foamy froth of knowing that in the end, none of it will make a
damn bit of sense.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ A Word From the Commishii... ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
We apologize for the brevity here folks, but real life rears its head at times.
Well our first turn is complete and go figure that it was loaded with controversy and
drama. Hopefully things will quickly settle down and TOGS can continue in the spirit
that it was designed for. To be able to enjoy the old school arena feel of stories
and personals. Nah, that is the polically correct reason, mostly it is so we can
sarcastically slam our fellow managers.
It looks like a great showing for spotlights. We know we keep our copy of Collusion
Cove right next to the throne to best enjoy the wit and humor. We would ask that
each manager tag their story with their manager name or team name to keep from
missing points. It is also important that each manager get at least one personal in
each turn.
Great to see Mannequin and Samwise put forth so much effort to wear the bulls-eye
shirt into the next round. Remember if you feel someone breathing down your neck run
for your life, they might mistake you for Bessy.
Please note, that Zalgor did indeed do a spotlight, which has been reflected in the
scoring below. Good luck to everyone this turn 2!!
...The Commishii & The Stud
P.S. A side note here from Death Stud to comment on the rankings. I just wanted to
point out how terrific the whole controversy this week was with respect to the idea
that people impacted by the matchups could potentially have won their fights and
potentially have gotten wins against a TOGS warrior. With the assignment of 7 points
to each of those teams to compensate them, it turns out that Soultaker and I are now
in third place and Manager's team is now in fourth place. Based on his own
estimation, that technically eliminates Manager and Seraphim from the possibility of
winning this TOGS since no eventual winner has ever been lower than third after the
first round. NOW you all see how my evil plan has come to it's final fruition!
BWAHAHAHA!
T436 TOGS totals
TOTAL Turn 1 Turn 1 Turn 1
TEAM POINTS Fights Spots Ads
--------- ------------------------------------- ----------------- ------ ------
TEAM 10 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 66 56 10
Killer Wedgies
Mannequin (Fruit of the Loom) & Samwise (Childhood Trauma)
TEAM 8 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 65 55 10
Punk in Drublic
Hombre (Dreamtime) & Elephant (GenX Perfect Hits)
TEAM 7 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 58 48 10
THREEPEAT
Death Stud (Death Studs VII) & Soultaker (Eloquent Knights)
TEAM 12 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 56 46 10
Team S&M
Seraphim (Villainous Legion) & Manager (Superior Forces 1601)
TEAM 4 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 49 39 10
Chocolate Fudge Monkey Express
Pip the Troll (Hit Me With...) & Master Darque (Devil's Workshop)
TEAM 5 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 49 39 10
Lurocian Demons
The Greek Guy (Lurocians T308) & Rillion (Demons of Darkness 2)
TEAM 1 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 48 38 10
NUTSACKZ
Snotman (Wild Cards) & Nuln (400 Blows)
TEAM 2 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 45 35 10
COLLUSION
Slugbait (The Eyes Have It) & Creepster (Crazy Creeps)
TEAM 3 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 45 35 10
The Paulson Army of Champions
Indimar (Wing Hove) & Pauly (The Bunkhouse)
TEAM 6 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 38 28 10
Motor City Madmen
Street Legal (My Best Buds 2) & Hammer (No Hammer Hammerz)
TEAM 13 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 32 22 10
Team Monkey FIST
Flagg (My Present) & Anti (TPW Forever)
TEAM 14 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 28 23 5
Mixed Up Philosophers
TigToad (Greco-Roman) & Zalgor Prigg (CLNGE)
TEAM 11 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 28 18 10
Haunted Pasta
General Ironcide (Pastafarians) & Haunt (Pure Evil)
TEAM 9 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 10 0 10
The French Bread Connection
SwineTiger (House of Grain) & LePentarque (La Boulange)
===============================================================================
T436 TEAM FIGHT TOTALS
WARRIOR: WARRIOR: WINNER: PNTS:
-- TEAM 1 -- NUTSACKZ
I OWN INDIMAR beat SCORN BREAD TEAM 1 10
MCSCROD killed DUELING FOR SCROD TEAM 1 7
DEAD ALIVE defeated PERFECT SNOTLING TEAM 1 7
SHAUN OF THE DEAD overpowered BEST NAME EVER TEAM 1 7
PINK I was viciously subdued by PICK OF DESTINY TEAM 1 7
-TOTAL: 38
-- TEAM 2 -- COLLUSION
FLICKED BOOGERS was unbelievably bested byWHITE WITCH TEAM 2 7
TEMPE FACER SCROD was outlasted by SENTINEL TEAM 2 7
EVIL AYE demolished DARIUS TEAM 2 7
LEATHAM was subdued by MISS PIGGY TEAM 2 7
JOHNNY was outlasted by I EYE TEAM 2 7
-TOTAL: 35
-- TEAM 3 -- The Paulson Army of Champions
JOHNNY FOURHOOVES handily defeated GHNSGFI TEAM 3 10
AIMLESS handily defeated M. CHARDINEE TEAM 3 4
CHALLAH POINT was devastated by PAR TEAM 3 7
PANAMON devastated KING ROCKER TEAM 3 7
WILD YOUTH was handily defeated by SHEEPY THOMPSON TEAM 3 7
-TOTAL: 35
-- TEAM 4 -- Chocolate Fudge Monkey Express
DUNNO demolished TYVEK TEAM 4 7
ICE CREAM SOLDIER was vanquished by SHMEGMA TEAM 4 7
FRED lost to GUNPOWDER TEAM 4 4
CRUCIFIED viciously subdued IICERGS TEAM 4 7
MANHATTAN PROJECT beat ARCHIMEDES TEAM 4 7
-TOTAL: 32
-- TEAM 5 -- Lurocian Demons
ZIG-ZAG MAN was unbelievably bested byVENREK TEAM 5 7
GALWAY lost to SHAMIKA TEAM 5 4
VENGRAZ overpowered HARD CIDER TEAM 5 7
MORGAN LEAH was unbelievably bested bySARDASIA TEAM 5 7
SHA'LONDA handily defeated LOST BREAD TEAM 5 7
-TOTAL: 32
-- TEAM 6 -- Motor City Madmen
HAWAIIAN KONA handily defeated RYEHARD TEAM 6 10
PAPERCUT was handily defeated by THE AFRICAN QUEEN TEAM 6 7
LIMRICK was vanquished by FEZ TEAM 6 4
-TOTAL: 21
-- TEAM 7 -- THREE-PEAT
WRATH LIX assassinated TOSSED SALAD TEAM 7 10
LOKI IX vanquished JACK THE RIPPER TEAM 7 10
B.C. GOLD was overpowered by ODALISQUE TEAM 7 7
VENGANZA was subdued by ACIDULOUS TEAM 7 7
DOUBLE D was overpowered by HOWLER XIII TEAM 7 7
-TOTAL: 41
-- TEAM 8 -- Punk in Drublic
DAY BY DAY overpowered PRIVATE EYE TEAM 8 4
SPIRITWALKER demolished FUSILLI JERRY TEAM 8 10
WILD FLOWER unbelievably bested EQUIPOLLENT TEAM 8 10
READY, STEADY, GO overpowered LE FOURNER TEAM 8 10
EDIE overpowered DOUBLE CHOCOLAINE TEAM 8 7
SISTER MOON overpowered SCARLET ABATTOIR TEAM 8 10
SHANNON was outlasted by STAR TEAM 8 4
-TOTAL: 55
-- TEAM 10 -- Killer Wedgies
STITCHES vanquished VIKI TEAM 10 10
BURNT OFFERINGS overpowered WEKA DART TEAM 10 10
ZOMBIELUST was overpowered by COCO NUTS TEAM 10 7
OVERTIME was viciously subdued by BOY GEORGE TEAM 10 7
GREEN DISEASE was demolished by PEACH FUZZ TEAM 10 4
SHRIVELLED PRUNE overpowered AMBITIOUS GUARD TEAM 10 4
TWIG devastated BEAST XVII TEAM 10 7
NIAGARA FALLS subdued TIFFERS TEAM 10 7
-TOTAL: 56
-- TEAM 11 -- Haunted Pasta
WARM PIRATE beat SETH DRAVEN TEAM 11 4
NYSTERIOUS WAYS overpowered MAITRE BOULANGER TEAM 11 10
LIMELIGHT was unbelievably bested bySUGAR TEAM 11 4
-TOTAL: 18
-- TEAM 12 -- Team S&M
911 was devastated by SUNSHINE TEAM 12 7
TAXMAN was savagely defeated by HANS GRUBER TEAM 12 7
PESMERGA easily killed PUSILLANIMOUS TEAM 12 10
MYSTIQUE handily defeated RESPECT THE PACKAGE TEAM 12 7
RED WINTER demolished KELLY FABULOUS TEAM 12 7
EARTHSHINE was devastated by MIMIC TEAM 12 4
IRON HYDE was defeated by LUC TEAM 12 4
-TOTAL: 46
-- TEAM 13 -- Team Monkey FIST
NAAN VIOLENT was demolished by TOWEL BOY TEAM 13 7
ALLAN JOHNSON handily defeated 3D'S NOT L33T TEAM 13 7
T MARIE was overpowered by EDWARD KINGSLEY TEAM 13 4
ME was savagely slain by JAYSON DAYDE TEAM 13 4
-TOTAL: 22
-- TEAM 14 -- Mixed Up Philosophers
MASTER EXPLODER was bested by GILMMAO TEAM 14 7
FGGMOGO was demolished by ARISTOTLE TEAM 14 4
IJEOOGI was viciously subdued by PLATO TEAM 14 4
POOPY was demolished by GALILEO TEAM 14 4
HOLOCAUST was overcome by SOCRATES TEAM 14 7
-TOTAL: 26
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
----- ----- ----- Death Stud ----- ----- -----
[THURSDAY NIGHT AT THE 4000 BLOWS GUILDHOUSE]
Death Stud pounded his fist down on Nuln's desk. "I tell you, it just isn't
fair!"
"Stud, I know where you're coming from, but I really help you on this one."
"I tell you, Nuln, I should not have to write a spotlight this turn." Death
Stud's voice was starting to rise with anger. "Technically, Soultaker and I removed
ourselves from the TOGS and shouldn't have to submit any writing. By the time
Soultaker had badgered me into staying, it was just TOO LATE to properly prepare
anything meaningful."
Nuln cracked a wry smile as he replied, "Anything meaningful? That never
stopped you before. That never really stopped Soultaker, either. I mean, have you
ever read his stuff? Oy vey. It hasn't stopped most of the drek that we've had here
over the years."
Death Stud was beside himself with anger, face beginning to turn red and veins
bulging out all up his neck and at pulsing at his temples. "I can't believe that
you're going to hold me to that. C'mon, can you help a brother out? I mean, it IS
for a fellow FONZ member and since we're cheaters as it is, the rules don't really
apply to us anyway."
"Look, Stud, nice try. It's unfortunate that you and your partner decided to be
crybabies and try to quit TOGS after wearing down under the immense psychological
pressure of one turn. While I'm glad that you two acted like a couple of Eggo's and
waffled your way back into the contest, you still have to write just like anyone else
if you want to get the points."
Furiously and fearsomely, our fearsome Studmeister slammed his massive,
fearsome, stone-hard (did I mention fearsome) fists down on Nuln's desk, splintering
the wood and sending papers flying. He literally roared, "Look here! YOU don't tell
ME what to do. I can do whatever I want! Do you know who I am? I am DEATH STUD and
all must tremble at my feet. I built this contest and it is I, me, myself, none
other, moi, ME that is the whole reason people come to Aradi in the first place, to
bask in the glory of my mighty Death Stud mightiness and aspire to be like me. And
my mightiness... Mightily." The papers fluttering in the room as a result of the
aforementioned fearsome fist-slamming incident started circling in towards Death Stud
and sticking to him like glue as his ego began to create it's own gravity field.
Nuln was leaning back, feet on desk now, filing his Chaos fingernails in a
pointedly bored and condescending way. He had heard that speech so many times from
Death Stud, he could literally recite the entire thing verbatim (and backwards for an
Aradi cop who was shining a lantern in his eyes and asking him how many Scrodbucks
he'd had that night). "Yes, yes, you are the figurative mother from whom TOGS was
born and you are the breast at which TOGS suckles. We are all like small piglets in
a row drawing sustenance at one of your TOGS teats." The reality was that the TOGS
had been created between the two of them equally, but Nuln knew better than to try to
argue with monsieur Stud when he was having an episode like this. "However, that
does not alleviate your responsibility to function within the rules just like
everyone else."
Death Stud furiously tried to rip away the papers that were stuck all over his
body, but as quickly as he could remove them, they would stick to him again,
immediately pulled back by the power of his ego-gravitational field. "Look here,
Nuln. Did you see that brilliant, insightful post I made on the Aradi manager forums
bulletin board down at the Gladiatorial Commission? That was longer than several of
these little weekly writing assignments put together. Technically, I should be good
for the next couple of weeks."
"Oh yeah, that reminds me, the author of 'War and Peace' sent a messenger to
Aradi to express his admiration for your work. And the Aradi Insomnia Clinic wanted
to know if you could help with their research by personally reading your post for
some of their patients. Apparently it has been working wonders for them. But, the
fact remains that you still have to write something just like everyone else."
"AAARRGGHHH!! This is ridiculous and I don't have to do what you say. Who in
the heck made you the boss of everything?"
"Um, you did when you asked me to run the TOGS this year as commissioner because
you were too busy and too lazy to do it."
"Why didn't we STAY quit?" Death Stud banged his head on Nuln's desk repeatedly
in frustration.
SPY REPORT
So why do I have this bag over my head? Because I am The Unknown Spymaster and
I'm going to give you a spy report!. We now have a new top team for all of you guys
to dogpile on. ELOQUENT KNIGHTS now holds the crown and they are betting they can
keep it. Rising in the ranks like a loaf of armored bread (okay, I admit it's corny)
is PURE EVIL, who swept up 11 places in the ranks. Take a look at SUPERIOR FORCES
1601's act, as they have a 3-2-0 week and gain 11 places in the team ranking. Rising
in the ranks like a loaf of armored bread (okay, I admit it's corny) is DEMONS OF
DARKNESS 2, who swept up 16 places in the ranks. Take a look at HIT ME WITH...'s
act, as they have a 3-2-0 week and gain 15 places in the team ranking. Rising in the
ranks like a loaf of armored bread (okay, I admit it's corny) is THE EYES HAVE IT,
who swept up 16 places in the ranks. A seasoned team is steady in the lists. But to
HOUSE OF GRAIN, which fell to 21st, it's what you soak in before going to the Dark
Arena. What goes up, must come down. Watch out COLLUSION COVE! 4000 BLOWS may fall
on you as it crushes past the teams below it to fall on the 25th spot. Suffering
under a 0-2-0 record and dropping from 15th to 29th place were the BUGS, SLUGS &
THUGS. Keep trying! It looks like the guys(?) at CRAZY CREEPS had a good week as
they went 4-1-1 to put them in 5th place. I guess steroids help! Hey everybody,
watch out for ODALISQUE, who flew up 26 points in the rankings after mashing LOKI IX
like a melon. Keep your eye on this gal. Ya know, some days it doesn't pay to walk
out on the sands. LOKI IX was overcame by ODALISQUE and drops 30 points. Drawing on
all of his experience as a 14-8-2 warrior, THE RIDDLER went for the Duelmastership
against WEEZY DANG this week. It's a proud day for the CRAZY CREEPS stable, as their
warrior, THE RIDDLER, ascended the Duelmaster's throne. 4 out of 5 gladiators
surveyed protect the body, so try and avoid aiming at that location.
But enough of that bunch, let's get on to the wimps who like to avoid battle!
Did you hear that SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 was most avoided team this week? Well,
knowing the personal hygiene of SUPERIOR FORCES 1601's warriors, I'm not surprised!
Okay, so I may not be funny, but catch GENX PERFECT HITS' act in the arena. Those
acrobats seem to be fairly deft at running from SUPERIOR FORCES 1601. And who is
this BEST NAME EVER you ask, with 10 points and a 0-2-0 record. Ooh, the tales I
could tell!
Remember that an arena is not always a safe place to be, but it is one of the
most interesting, though! Yesterday I talked to the THE UPSTARTS III's manager and
SHRIVELLED PRUNE, slayer of WHACK-A-STUD. The manager: 'I think I can, I think I
can'. SHRIVELLED PRUNE: 'I already did'. Here's some advice: warriors with little
wit and will may encounter problems on the trail to the Isle.
Well, that wasn't too bad; Alarond told me that the people in COLLUSION COVE
have no sense of humor. Or maybe that they were senseless. Well, there goes another
Spy Report. Good luck in next week's fights. Its been fun, and I'm sure you enjoyed
it (boos). Now that I've got you worked up for Snide Clemens, I'll be leaving-- The
Unknown Spymaster
DUELMASTER W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
THE RIDDLER 7852 15 8 2 128 CRAZY CREEPS (207)
CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
WRATH LIX 7899 12 3 1 142 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
SUNSHINE 7593 11 7 0 110 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
TYVEK 7478 10 8 0 107 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
-VOLMAX 7592 7 5 0 107 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
VENREK 7477 16 5 0 103 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
JACK THE RIPPER 7487 20 16 0 102 CRAZY CREEPS (207)
ALLAN JOHNSON 8232 13 5 0 102 TPW FOREVER (619)
ODALISQUE 8121 7 0 2 101 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
WHITE WITCH 7542 23 15 0 98 CRAZY CREEPS (207)
TIGER TY 7665 18 15 1 96 WING HOVE (529)
DUNNO 6988 12 18 1 92 HIT ME WITH... (503)
WEEZY DANG 7909 10 8 0 92 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
HOFFA 7713 21 28 0 91 BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
YELLOW JACKET 7627 17 38 1 90 BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083 11 9 0 86 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
AIMLESS 7967 14 8 0 83 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
-DEATH STUD 8211 9 5 1 80 DEATH STUDS XII (602)
LOKI IX 7860 10 5 1 79 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
RETRIBUTION XXIX 8259 10 3 0 79 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
BURNT OFFERINGS 8054 8 5 1 78 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
HENDRICK 5022 13 8 1 77 UNDERDOGS (5)
FLICKED BOOGERS 6989 16 14 0 76 HIT ME WITH... (503)
-BLACK WIDOW XLIII 7868 11 4 1 76 DEATH STUDS XII (602)
HOWLER XIII 8302 6 0 2 75 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
-ENIGMA XXV 7871 6 9 1 74 DEATH STUDS XII (602)
911 7936 10 10 0 72 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
COCO NUTS 8163 5 0 0 68 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
CHALLENGER ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
-THE BUNISHER 8341 9 1 1 66 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
I OWN INDIMAR 8084 6 7 0 66 4000 BLOWS (107)
-PAUL BEARER 8082 4 3 1 66 FUNKY FOLK (565)
-MYSTIQUE 7932 6 3 1 65 VILLAINOUS LEGION (605)
BUSTED NUTS 7134 11 12 1 61 HIT ME WITH... (503)
-HANS GRUBER 7931 6 2 0 60 VILLAINOUS LEGION (605)
STORM FIRE 7597 6 3 1 59 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
TWIG 8096 6 3 1 58 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
HAWAIIAN KONA 7853 5 5 0 58 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
GAZREK 7858 8 5 0 57 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
SCORN BREAD 8343 8 5 0 55 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
MONKEY PAW 7854 5 4 1 55 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
WEKA DART 7979 9 6 1 54 WING HOVE (529)
EDWARD KINGSLEY 8330 5 1 1 54 TPW FOREVER (619)
STITCHES 8245 4 6 0 54 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
T MARIE 8522 1 1 0 52 MY PRESENT (637)
3D'S NOT L33T 7833 9 7 3 51 WILD CARDS (148)
-FLUMMAX 8193 8 12 0 51 RED DOG GANG (476)
-RAZOR XXV 8154 7 4 0 49 DEATH STUDS XII (602)
BOY GEORGE 8378 5 3 0 48 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
B.C. GOLD 7787 7 7 0 46 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
PEACH FUZZ 8095 6 5 1 46 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
-LITTLE BIG DOG 8355 7 5 0 45 RED DOG GANG (476)
NYSTERIOUS WAYS 8464 5 1 0 45 PASTAFARIANS (630)
ACIDULOUS 8384 4 0 0 45 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
VENGANZA 8408 5 4 0 44 PASTAFARIANS (630)
PLUM 8094 4 3 1 43 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
-CORK 8373 6 3 0 41 CELTIC PRIDE (628)
ZOMBIELUST 8181 6 2 0 40 4000 BLOWS (107)
PANAMON 8087 9 5 0 39 WING HOVE (529)
DAY BY DAY 8338 3 1 0 39 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
RESPECT THE PACKAGE 7832 8 8 0 38 WILD CARDS (148)
RYEHARD 8339 7 6 1 38 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
SHRIVELLED PRUNE 8177 4 3 1 38 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
L'APPRENTI 8351 4 0 0 37 LA BOULANGE (626)
SPIRITWALKER 8431 4 2 0 35 DREAMTIME (633)
-RED WINTER 8304 3 1 0 35 VILLAINOUS LEGION (605)
-GREEN DISEASE 7718 4 8 2 34 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
DOUBLE D 8523 0 2 0 34 MY PRESENT (637)
CHALLENGER INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
TAXMAN 8397 6 3 0 33 PURE EVIL (629)
PAR 8297 4 4 1 33 WING HOVE (529)
VENGRAZ 8018 3 1 0 33 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
-CURT SHIFF 8479 2 1 1 33 FUNKY FOLK (565)
-LASSIE 8194 6 14 0 32 RED DOG GANG (476)
SISTER MOON 8489 2 1 0 32 DREAMTIME (633)
VIKI 8261 2 2 0 30 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
STAR 8427 6 1 0 29 DREAMTIME (633)
SETH DRAVEN 8231 4 3 1 29 TPW FOREVER (619)
CHALLENGER INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
BEAST XVII 8303 3 6 0 29 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
READY, STEADY, GO 8249 2 1 0 29 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
EDIE 8429 3 4 0 28 DREAMTIME (633)
WILD YOUTH 8296 2 1 0 28 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
OVERTIME 8394 6 3 0 27 PURE EVIL (629)
WARM PIRATE 8407 6 3 0 27 PASTAFARIANS (630)
SHMEGMA 8502 2 0 0 27 HIT ME WITH... (503)
MAITRE BOULANGER 8350 2 1 0 27 LA BOULANGE (626)
MCSCROD 8481 2 1 1 26 4000 BLOWS (107)
PERFECT SNOTLING 8403 1 1 0 26 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
CHALLAH POINT 8389 4 5 0 25 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
CHONDROMALACIA 8432 3 5 0 24 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
NOODLY APPENDIX 8404 5 4 0 23 PASTAFARIANS (630)
KELLY FABULOUS 8221 4 5 0 23 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
PRIVATE EYE 8425 4 2 0 23 THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
THE EX 8436 3 5 1 23 PURE EVIL (629)
100 PUNKS 8491 3 1 0 23 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
EVIL AYE 8498 2 0 0 22 THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
TOWEL BOY 8265 4 3 1 21 TPW FOREVER (619)
-NAAN VIOLENT 8433 4 3 0 21 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
WILD FLOWER 8443 3 4 0 21 DREAMTIME (633)
JOHNNY FOURHOOVES 8399 2 1 0 21 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
LE FOURNER 8354 2 3 0 21 LA BOULANGE (626)
-MIMIC 8499 2 0 0 21 VILLAINOUS LEGION (605)
SCARLET ABATTOIR 8474 2 1 0 21 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
GALILEO 8548 2 0 0 21 GRECO-ROMAN (639)
FUSILLI JERRY 8486 2 3 0 20 PASTAFARIANS (630)
KING ROCKER 8246 1 2 0 20 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
CRUCIFIED 8447 1 1 0 20 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
-D 3717 1 1 0 20 THE MIB (304)
-MICKEY FINN 8442 2 5 0 19 CELTIC PRIDE (628)
-TOM SAWYER 8369 2 6 0 17 RUSH REBORN (627)
GUNPOWDER 8449 2 0 0 17 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
SOCRATES 8547 2 0 0 17 GRECO-ROMAN (639)
SHEEPY THOMPSON 8538 1 2 0 17 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
-A 3718 0 2 0 16 THE MIB (304)
HARD CIDER 7981 2 2 1 15 WILD CARDS (148)
FRED 8529 2 1 0 15 UNDERDOGS (5)
SHAMIKA 8513 2 1 0 15 LUROCIANS T308 (636)
FEZ 7878 2 4 0 14 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
POKE IN THE I 8423 1 1 0 14 THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
-LIMELIGHT 8365 2 6 1 13 RUSH REBORN (627)
-LIMRICK 8376 2 7 0 13 CELTIC PRIDE (628)
-SHANNON 8375 2 7 0 13 CELTIC PRIDE (628)
PLATO 8550 2 0 0 13 GRECO-ROMAN (639)
MISS PIGGY 8544 2 0 1 12 CRAZY CREEPS (207)
GILMMAO 8525 2 0 0 12 CLNGE (638)
-GALWAY 8372 1 8 1 12 CELTIC PRIDE (628)
PAPERCUT 8535 1 2 1 12 PURE EVIL (629)
EQUIPOLLENT 8492 1 3 0 12 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
TIFFERS 8520 1 1 0 12 MY PRESENT (637)
DEAD ALIVE 8503 1 1 0 12 WILD CARDS (148)
LUC 8497 1 1 0 12 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
BLACK DEATH 8446 0 2 0 12 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
JAYSON DAYDE 8545 2 0 1 11 TPW FOREVER (619)
GHNSGFI 8526 0 3 0 11 CLNGE (638)
JOHNNY 8511 1 1 0 10 LUROCIANS T308 (636)
-EARTHSHINE 8392 1 5 1 9 RUSH REBORN (627)
THE AFRICAN QUEEN 8473 1 2 0 9 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
DARIUS 8552 1 1 0 9 LUROCIANS T308 (636)
DOUBLE CHOCOLAINE 8461 1 2 0 9 LA BOULANGE (626)
INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
-FREEWILL 8468 1 2 0 9 RUSH REBORN (627)
-SEL DUMB 8487 1 0 0 9 FUNKY FOLK (565)
PINK I 8422 0 2 0 8 THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
NIAGARA FALLS 8533 2 1 0 7 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
SUGAR 8534 2 1 0 7 PURE EVIL (629)
SENTINEL 8543 2 0 0 7 CRAZY CREEPS (207)
HOLOCAUST 8448 1 1 0 7 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
TEMPE FACER SCROD 8506 1 2 0 7 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
ICE CREAM SOLDIER 8471 0 3 0 7 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
LUCKY CHARMS 8557 1 0 0 6 HIT ME WITH... (503)
MUGWUMP 8555 1 0 0 6 UNDERDOGS (5)
HARUSPEX 8559 1 0 0 6 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
MASTER EXPLODER 8500 0 2 0 6 4000 BLOWS (107)
-IRON HYDE 8452 1 1 0 4 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
PICK OF DESTINY 8553 1 1 0 4 4000 BLOWS (107)
MANHATTAN PROJECT 8450 1 1 0 4 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
SHA'LONDA 8532 1 1 0 4 LUROCIANS T308 (636)
ARISTOTLE 8551 1 1 0 4 GRECO-ROMAN (639)
JONES 8539 1 1 0 4 UNDERDOGS (5)
SARDASIA 8512 1 1 0 4 LUROCIANS T308 (636)
I EYE 8508 1 1 0 4 THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
-BB BULLY BOY 8477 0 4 0 4 RED DOG GANG (476)
IJEOOGI 8528 0 2 0 2 CLNGE (638)
FGGMOGO 8527 0 2 0 2 CLNGE (638)
LOST BREAD 8546 0 2 0 2 LA BOULANGE (626)
IICERGS 8524 0 2 0 2 CLNGE (638)
LEATHAM 8519 0 2 0 2 MY PRESENT (637)
E 3714 0 1 0 1 THE MIB (304)
TAKE ANOTHER SHOT 8558 0 1 0 1 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.
THE DEAD W L K TEAM NAME SLAIN BY TURN Revenge?
CLARK KENT 8196 8 4 0 CRAZY CREEPS 207 HENDRICK 5022 435 REVENGED
BEST NAME EVER 8480 0 2 0 DEMONS OF DARKNE 430 BORED ELF 437 NONE
PUSILLANIMOUS 8192 7 2 0 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS 518 PESMERGA 7813 436 NONE
ARCHIMEDES 8549 0 2 0 GRECO-ROMAN 639 HARD CIDER 7981 437
TOSSED SALAD 6987 15 13 1 HIT ME WITH... 503 WRATH LIX 7899 436
GERR 8556 0 1 0 MY PRESENT 637 PAPERCUT 8535 437
ME 8521 0 1 0 MY PRESENT 637 JAYSON DAYDE 8545 436
DUELING FOR SCRO 8472 0 2 0 NO HAMMER HAMMER 635 MCSCROD 8481 436
CARROT TOP 8398 4 2 0 PURE EVIL 629 HOWLER XIII 8302 434
WHACK-A-STUD 8349 3 1 0 THE UPSTARTS III 510 SHRIVELLED PRUNE 8177 434
POOPY 8540 0 2 0 UNDERDOGS 5 SPYMASTER 437 NONE
SHAUN OF THE DEA 8504 1 1 0 WILD CARDS 148 THE EX 8436 437
MORGAN LEAH 8517 1 2 0 WING HOVE 529 MISS PIGGY 8544 437
PERSONAL ADS
Wow, you people are weird. Not that I mind really, just thought you should know. :)
-- Anti
Whew! Thank goodness the Killer Wedgies have started out in first place. They
always falter at the end. -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe
What!!!!!!!!! Hendrick and you Underdogs, you're NOT in TOGS!? I wasted that blood
feud and win?! It was all yours and that SOB Soultaker's fault. Just ask Creepie.
-- The Riddler
Seraphim -- Good luck with THAT partner. -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe (lighting a
candle for the poor guy)
What's yellow with a stripe and red all over? -- The Riddler
Tempe Facer Scrod -- How'd you like that collusion?! Like a FONZ in the face! --
Sentinel
Leatham -- Tee hee. You may have a big one, but it was a losing big one. Tee hee.
-- Miss Piggy
Flicked Boogers -- Wow! Thanks for the challenge. Your manager is such a softie, or
a pud, or an indigent, or just out of it. Is he FONZ? -- White Witch
Loki XI -- You are a mean bastimobicheronious! (Creepy gave me THAT one!) I hate
you and the white horse your manager needed to ride in on so that he was almost of
normal height. -- Jack The Ripper
Nulnlickerific -- YOU are too OLD for this?! -- The Creepster (Interpreted)
Managerr -- I'd never let you down, but I'm having issues. I'll be in touch as soon
as I can. -- Everybody
Whattsamatter, Toad; you don't like this type of good competition? Sheesh. "Good
luck everyone in TOGS. Let's hope for a good, clean competition with a minimum of
collusion.... -- TigToad". Always someone trying to ruin things. -- The Rest Of Us
TOGSers
P.S. Plain, not HTML. You need a teacher or sumpin'?
Slugbait -- The Creepster says, we need more. We need more. We need more. -- The
Crazy Creeps Scribe
Managerr (of Death Studs VII) -- After much thought and analysis, The Creepster asked
me to report that you seem to have posted the odds (of TOGS winning) spot on! Well
done. There were three, however, that The Creepster thought could have been tweaked
a little studly better, such as: Rillion and TGG at 25-1? That's too high. Perhaps
49-1. Zalgor and TigToad at 1000-1? Come on! 999-1 is closer. Anti and Flagg at
500-1? That seems optimistic. Perhaps, well, oh well. -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe
TGG -- We have to say we truly enjoyed your rendition of us. Yes, indeed. Go to the
head of the class. -- The Consortium
FONZ = Flustered Ozone Needing Zealots
FONZ = Frustrated Old Nobodies Zonking
The Anti-FONZ Coalition
Congratulations to the winners! And here are the results of the of the Aradi
Spotlight awards.........
Gold Crown Anti, "Which FONZ Member"
Silver Scarf Nuln, "Must Have Brain"
Bronze Pasties Soultaker, "Night All Aradi Waited For"
Tin Cup (tie) TigToad, "You're Free To Go"
Tin Cup (tie) Street Legal "Street Or Jack"
Tin Cup (tie) Zalgor Prigg, "Mixed Up Philosopher"
Editor, International Award Winning Aradi Free Press
Tidbits from The IAWAFP.....
... That little teeny Death Stud can sure cause an uproar when he wants to.
... The spots prove it. Everyone had thought Pauly was a little brainless.
... Did you know that Managerr won the very first TOGS?
... Seraphim may have a problem. So, what's new?
... It appears that The French may have invaded Aradi.
... (Quote from Indimar journal) That lad needs a good spanking.
... Soultaker looks very good in pasties. Who would have thought ..... Not!
... Style information: Miss Piggy is a PU.
... With 10 warriors Stud is sad that he could not claim Duelmaster.
Remember, subscribe now to the full publication while the price is high.
Editor, IAWAFP
This is just an ad in case I forget to write one later. -- Manager
Cork -- That fight was mine. We will meet again. -- Noodly
Spiritwalker -- A TV challenge for little ole me? I guess I should be honored. --
Fusilli J
Anyone know a good proctologist? Million-to-one shot, Million-to-one. -- Fusilli J
Seth Draven -- Well that was interesting. Do you always stand around like that in a
fight? -- Warm Pirate
Can we have a do-over? -- Haunted Pasta
I got your 100-1 right here Manager. -- Gen. Ironcide
Maitre -- Bread Golems? Can't say I saw that one coming. Looks like I am a little
more pasta than you can handle. How does it feel to be noodled? -- Nysterious Ways
TGG -- It was all part of my strategy to prevent people from challenging my warriors
on round 1 of TOGS. Let's face it, I've got a pack of losers so the less challenges
that can be made against my warriors, the less 10 point wins other teams get. --
Rillion
Snotman -- Don't get all excited. You might ruin TGG's and my plan to bore everyone
into submission during this TOGS. -- Rillion
Zalgor and Tigtoad -- Welcome back! -- Rillion
Seraphim -- Stop bothering to try to not let Manager down. It is impossible to live
up to his expectations so don't bother trying. -- Rillion
What a disappointment. I had been waiting all weekend to receive my hefty TOGS
newsletter, I even didn't bother buying toilet paper in anticipation of having a
bunch of extra paper available in the bathroom after the newsletter arrived and what
do I find, instead of the newsletter for 60 I get the newsletter for 6, all two pages
of it. It was all of two pages. Needless to say I had to immediately run out to the
store to pick up some paper. -- Rillion
Death Stud -- Well I see you found a way to kick both cheeks, run two teams. Well
done! -- Rillion
PIP -- No, err I guess yes since I did. -- Rillion
All -- Yes, yes fight amongst yourselves. -- Mysterious Goatee Having Figure
Hans Gruber -- No! It was sabotage I say! -- Taxman
Limelight -- I guess my sweetness stole the Limelight from you. -- Sugar
The African Queen -- I'll get you next time. Right under the fingernails! That'll
learn ya! -- Papercut
Truly you are an evil force to be reckoned with! -- Ed.
Ouch, that TOGS thing is going to be difficult. I could even end in eating my own
Golems.... -- Le Pentarque
Good thing they are brussels sprout golems. -- Ed.
All -- Ouch, ouch, ewwwwie, ouch! -- Flagg
Miss Piggy -- At least tell a fella that you're gonna bash em for trying to grab one
of your chocolates BEFORE you do it! -- Leatham
Niagara Falls -- I thought the falls were a bit faster than that. -- Tiffers
Howler XIII -- What, did you like eat all of the rest of the Howlers and gain all of
their stored knowledge? There can be only one! -- Double D (and that's Double, cuz
I'm a fat Arukai Werecat)
Crazy Creeps Scribe -- Oh, I'll win allright. I'll win if it's the last thing
Indimar does. -- Pauly
Death Stud -- I'm really bummed about the two warriors you have in the ch. champs.
Bummed that I'm gonna have to kick their butts! Oh man, you thought I was going one
way and then I did a total 180. In your face dude. In Your FACE! -- Pauly
Elephant -- I hope Wild Youth is ok. Sheepy ain't known to have a gentle touch. --
Pauly
All -- Did anyone else forget that you don't get 10 pts just for being the duelmaster
this time? I kinda felt like an idiot at first, but then I realized that after I
hold the throne for the remainder of TOGS, I'm gonna look like a freakin genius. --
Pauly
Ed. -- Well, I gotta hand it to you, I tried to slip one by you in my spotlight, but
you're as sharp as ever. I won't test you again. -- Pauly
P.S. I'm sorry, I'm probably lying.
Probably? -- Ed.
Seraphim -- Awesome start, partner! -- Manager
Mannequin -- Nice start for you, my friend! -- Samwise
Death Stub -- Keep your chin up, friend. You'll need to in order to support
Soultaker's weight and avoid falling. -- Samwise
New TOGS managers -- Welcome! I'd wish you luck, but I wouldn't mean it. -- Samwise
Anti -- Great spotlight! -- Samwise
Death Stub -- I'd say the same to you but I've not finished shivering and vomiting in
my mouth. -- Samwise
DID YOU SEE THAT DEATH STUD GOT TWO TOGS TV'S AT THE FACE? -- an observant neutral
party
Erudite Ed -- Second Round of TOGS and Time for My Obligatory Contest Question as to
the Names of the Managers and Stables that were listed in last cycle's newsletter!
Thanks in Advance! -- Hammer/Minister of War/Abattoir Scarlet Knight/Order of Lost
Souls/Aradi Antagonist/TOGS Tuffie/Motor City MadMan
Indimar -- Have fun trashing you? That's like taking candy from a baby. -- Elephant
Make it a wagon and call it Woodrow and I might consider it. -- Ed., sick again
and not happy about life (is it something about Aradi?)
Hombre -- Nice first turn. Now if you can just carry me 12 more turns. -- Elephant
Private Eye -- Better luck next time. I figured you being a private eye and all, you
would've known I was coming and avoided me. -- Day By Day
I Own Indimar -- You have a very misleading name. I'm the true and rightful owner of
Indimar. I guess naming rights weren't discussed when I leased him to you. So
continue using that name and we'll discuss provisions when the lease expires. You
are happy with the lease so far? Let me know if I need to whip him into shape. --
Elephant
Le Fourner -- Not sure on the translation only the results. Les yeux sans visage. --
RSG
Freewill and Rush Reborn -- We're currently conducting a contest and challenges from
non-contest result in 0 points. I'm asking if we can continue our dueling after the
contest. Thanks -- 100 Punks and GenX
Panamon and Sheepy -- I thought we were friends. -- GenX
TOGS contestants -- All in all a very exciting first turn. We had a surprise first
round leader, some very funny personals, and of course what TOGS would be complete
without some drama. Can't wait to see what turn 2 has in store for us. -- Indimar
Hombre and Elephant -- If it couldn't be Pauly and I at the top I wish it wasn't you
guys. -- Indimar
Mention this ad and receive 10% off on all TOGS related merchandise at the Scrod
Shoppe or a free biscrodti with purchase of a grande carppuccino at Scrodbucks. FREE
THUMBTACKS FOR THE KIDS!
Can I exchange these thumbtacks for some broken glass? It's much more child-
friendly. -- Ed. and Ed. Jr.
Soultaker and Death Stud -- Both your spotlights touched on family matters in such a
way that I feel I must respond. First, I want to make it very clear that I only cuff
Pauly upside the head when he really, REALLY, deserves it. In the second matter I
must tell you that Mama Paulson did not shave her back for ValenTOGS...she's making
toupees for both of you. -- Indimar
Pauly -- How do you like TOGS so far? -- Indimar
Maitre Boulanger -- We went into battle a little half baked last turn. It is now
time to rise to the occasion. -- DK Bread
Snotsyman -- Highly enjoyed your spot. Have you considered using vampires dressed up
in those big cartoon animal costumes? Bucky the Vampire Beaver wielding a battle axe
just sorta rolls right off the tongue don't it? :) -- Anti
Death Stud -- You know it turns out that most stores nowadays don't actually sell
barrels of tar or bags of feathers anymore. Not sure why I would want that, but
there was like 14 people in front of me at Scrod-Mart asking about it last week.
Weird. -- Anti
Ed. -- So.... As bad as you expected? Better? Much, much, horse tranquilizer
popping worse? -- Anti, Team Monkey FIST
Zzzzz. Huh? Are you talking to me? Where are those pills again? -- Ed.
Hammer -- You really like words huh? Good for you. :) -- Anti
Flagg -- Hmmmm...pretty sure killing my partner's warrior isn't good
strategy...though Nuln said it was a tactic he and Snotty tried last TOGS. Sorry
bout, that now that you can challenge it's time for our comeback! -- Anti
Death Stud -- Wow, bringing out the big pun guns this early in the competition.
You're an evil evil, yet weirdly fascinating, little
munchkin/leprechaun/gremlin/critter/popple. -- Anti
Manager -- I think you've used that "Something has a better chance of something" line
about me in TOGS in your previous predictions. Not that it makes it less true.
Hmmm, what the heck was the point I was trying to make? Manager likes sheep? Yeah,
we'll go with that. Nyah. :P -- Anti
TOGS writers -- Great job last turn guys! -- Anti
Boss say this not place for those type of personal ads. No asking for pink pony or
new maul here. This place for other type of personal ads. Me say sorry for last
weeks bad ad. -- Slugbait
Big Orc with great fashion sence looking to meet same. Likes playing tip-tap on
knees with maul, romantic evenings by Aradi trash heap, and shopping for rats.
Contact Slugbait.
Beast XVII -- You must be a timid little beast, given the fact you were beaten by
a... -- Twig
Zombielust -- Just because you eliminated me from the last tournament doesn't mean
you can walk all over me in TOGS. -- Coco Nuts
Seraphim -- I would say "Hi, back at ya", but how do I know you wrote that ad? --
Mannequin
Hombre -- Good thinking; hopefully you and Manager weren't paying attention to my
spotlight last turn (Manager organizes a defense against the TOGS leaders,
Samwise/Mannequin, and you suggest sitting everyone out knowing I'll go back to my
evil ways). Clever, very clever of you indeed.... -- Mannequin
Samwise -- Back in first place, again! OK, where did I put that target? I know I
saw it around here somewhere. -- Mannequin
Hey Eye team -- Two random fights with you and two loses. That didn't work out too
well for me. -- The Greek Guy Lurocians
Rillion -- We're not in last and we didn't go 0-10. This is already better than last
time. Okay, time to go knock on some wood. -- TGG
Manager --1000:1? Really? I remember when I used to at least get a grudging "maybe
they'll get it together this once." -- TigToad
Dude, can you set your mailer to send plain text? -- Ed.
All -- A hearty good luck to all TOGS competitors. I wish everyone success and luck.
May your best warriors not die, may your challenges always be successful and your
place in TOGS be second only to me. -- TigToad
All -- I want to offer my apologies for the beginning of TOGS. I so look forward to
this contest and plan on enjoying it to the max. -- Soultaker
Pesmerga -- Very nice start. -- Soultaker
Manager -- One of the best challenges you have made. I will miss Pusillanimous. --
Soultaker
Venganza -- Would you like a little cheese on that? -- Acidulous
Wildflower -- Dang I forgot picking wildflowers can have thorns. -- Equipollent
Anti -- Serious Freakin' Bravo man. LOVED the spot. -- Hombre
Great spots everyone! This is going to be the best TOGS ever! Unless it isn't, then
it won't be. -- Hombre
Lazy and not yet motivated...even fought my teammate twice in the first turn and
wasn't even frustrated. Hopefully this is a sign of health and not the lazy lack of
motivation I attribute it to. -- Zalgor Prigg
Flagg -- I believe that the most popular spot in town is the Brown Sign. Good luck
squeezing yourself in there though, it is a very popular place. -- Snotman
Creepster -- I think that you are mistaken on the collusion thing. It's not that
anybody got together to plan out an attack any team. It's more like the entire
population of Aradi rose up to prevent an unthinkable Apocalypse (that would be
Manager, and whomever his partner was, winning the TOGS). I think that you have
chosen your partner much more wisely this year. -- Snotman
Slugbait -- I actually owe you a debt of gratitude. You were in one of the very
first arenas I ever played in (maybe Arkers?) and when I picked my manager name I was
inspired by you to pick a name that didn't strike fear into the hearts of anyone
(well many a napkin manufacter has spent a long sleepless night thinking about me).
-- Snotman
All -- It's a well known fact that the Aradi Free Press (also know as the Award
Winning Aradi Free Press) is owned by Clear Channel and they have "free" newspapers
in most of the arena cities, Mordant Free Press, Transel Free Press and so on. In
the interests of truly free and independent news I have started the Collusion Cove
Guardian to be the guardian of truth and independent news. -- Snotman
Collusion Cove Guardian awards:
ROFLMAO award to Nuln
Censored by Ed. award to Elephant and his wood-side
Excessively UnReadable Use of Capitals Award to Hammer
All -- Quite a week, huh? Well, here's to putting that piece of drama behind us and
to an enjoyable, drama-free rest of the TOGS. I apologize for the mistake my second
team running the precipitated the whole matter. -- Death Stud
Soultaker -- Someone was asking me if that spotlight you wrote last turn was the best
you could do. I told em "I guess so." -- Pip
P.S. Nothing wrong with being attracted to mammary glands.
Darque -- Well we got half as many wins as you predicted, and an infinte amount more
in losses. Maybe we should shoot for 1-9 turns. -- Pip
Odalisque -- Thought I would have the speed to jump you and nearly did! You're a
quick little bugger. -- BC Gold
Ryehard -- I do not like that weapon you carry. I find it a reprehensible weapon
type to use therefore I must break it! -- Hawaiian Kona
Venrek -- Next time we meet I will slow down some and enjoy removing your arms from
the sockets that contain them! -- Zig Zag Man
(self edited to avoid controversy) ;-)> -- Monkey Paw
Limrick -- There once was a man from Nantucket; Who set sail for Ice Cream; Oh wait;
darn you Kelso! -- Fez
Pauly -- I must say, nice spotlight last turn. The older Pauly character reminded me
of the old man from Family Guy which was a little creepy. -- Cyberpunk
Pauly -- I hope your insurance can hold out a little more. Apparently the demand for
pig heads in the mainland has risen dramatically lately, who knew? I'll have them
for you by turn five, for sure. -- Nuln, black market dealer in pig heads
Elephantastic -- I'm loving the Wood-side, I will start name-dropping it at all TOGS
functions from now forward. I'm feeling a little more motivated for 81 now, btw, so
thanks. You should be seeing the cave men again. -- Nuln
Herr Snotty -- See, I call that creative problem-solving; a most auspicious sign! --
Nuln
Coco Nuts -- It goes without saying, yet I always have to say it with you. Thank you
for not killing me. -- Zombielust
As threatened, here is a current manager list for this arena. Let me know if
I've gotten anyone's name wrong! -- The Saint, keeper of lists
4000 BLOWS Nuln LA BOULANGE Le Pentarque
BUGS, SLUGS & THUG A-Sop LUROCIANS T308 The Greek Guy
CELTIC PRIDE ? MEDICAL BIOHAZARD Jekyll
CHILDHOOD TRAUMA Samwise the Bald MY BEST BUDS 2 Street Legal
CLNGE Zalgor Prigg MY PRESENT Flagg
CRAZY CREEPS Crazy Creepster NO HAMMER HAMMERZ Hammer
DEATH STUDS VII Death Stud PASTAFARIANS General Ironcide
DEATH STUDS XII Death Stud PURE EVIL Crow
DEMONS OF DARKNESS Rillion RED DOG GANG Spot
DEVIL'S WORKSHOP Master Darque RUSH REBORN ?
DREAMTIME Hombre SUPERIOR FORCES 16 Manager
ELFEN LIED Mr. Mojo THE BUNKHOUSE Pauly
ELOQUENT KNIGHTS Soultaker THE EYES HAVE IT Slugbait
FRUIT OF THE LOOM Mannequin THE UPSTARTS III Anti
FUNKY FOLK Papa Bear TPW FOREVER Anti
GENX PERFECT HITS Elephant UNDERDOGS Technogeek
GRECO-ROMAN TigToad VILLAINOUS LEGION Seraphim
HIT ME WITH... PTFT WILD CARDS Snotman
HOUSE OF GRAIN DK Bread WING HOVE Indimar Fallon
LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS
BEST NAME EVER was butchered by BORED ELF in a 1 minute bloody Dark Arena fight.
POOPY was slaughtered by SPYMASTER in a 1 minute Dark Arena battle.
DUNNO was handily defeated by WRATH LIX in a 1 minute one-sided Bloodfeud match.
THE AFRICAN QUEEN was vanquished by MCSCROD in a 1 minute mismatched Bloodfeud brawl.
BURNT OFFERINGS overpowered EDWARD KINGSLEY in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge match.
DAY BY DAY devastated WARM PIRATE in a 3 minute bloody one-sided Challenge duel.
SPIRITWALKER beat VIKI in a crowd pleasing 1 minute Challenge brawl.
THE RIDDLER overpowered WEEZY DANG in a 1 minute uneven Challenge Title melee.
VENREK slimly won victory over JACK THE RIPPER in a 28 minute expert's Challenge duel.
I OWN INDIMAR lost to FLICKED BOOGERS in a popular 1 minute Challenge fight.
TYVEK overpowered AIMLESS in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge melee.
ZIG-ZAG MAN was defeated by TIGER TY in a 2 minute veteran's Challenge match.
HOWLER XIII handily defeated MONKEY PAW in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge contest.
B.C. GOLD was demolished by COCO NUTS in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge brawl.
PEACH FUZZ was overcome by HAWAIIAN KONA in a 2 minute Challenge conflict.
DOUBLE D was overpowered by GAZREK in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
STITCHES handily defeated PAR in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge bout.
ACIDULOUS unbelievably bested RESPECT THE PACKAGE in a 4 minute gory Challenge brawl.
ZOMBIELUST was overpowered by WEKA DART in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge match.
TWIG overpowered TAXMAN in a crowd pleasing 5 minute mismatched Challenge fight.
L'APPRENTI overpowered BEAST XVII in a 1 minute uneven Challenge fight.
100 PUNKS was demolished by BOY GEORGE in a 1 minute uneven Challenge bout.
SETH DRAVEN devastated LE FOURNER in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
VENGRAZ overpowered KELLY FABULOUS in a exciting 1 minute gory uneven Challenge fight.
DEAD ALIVE was vanquished by WILD YOUTH in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
OVERTIME unbelievably bested WILD FLOWER in a action packed 5 minute Challenge bout.
EQUIPOLLENT was overpowered by MAITRE BOULANGER in a 1 minute Challenge fray.
PERFECT SNOTLING handily defeated SUGAR in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
EDIE defeated CHALLAH POINT in a action packed 1 minute Challenge fight.
CRUCIFIED was handily defeated by SISTER MOON in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
SHAUN OF THE DEAD was murdered by THE EX in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
JAYSON DAYDE beat ICE CREAM SOLDIER in a 1 minute novice's Challenge bout.
SHEEPY THOMPSON was outwaited by PRIVATE EYE in a 7 minute Challenge match.
SHA'LONDA was vanquished by EVIL AYE in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge fight.
POKE IN THE I demolished LEATHAM in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge match.
TIFFERS savagely defeated NIAGARA FALLS in a 2 minute brutal novice's Challenge fray.
DARIUS savagely defeated I EYE in a 3 minute gruesome novice's Challenge conflict.
MORGAN LEAH was narrowly killed by MISS PIGGY in a 2 minute beginner's Challenge bout.
MASTER EXPLODER was handily defeated by FUSILLI JERRY in a 1 minute Challenge match.
JOHNNY unbelievably bested PICK OF DESTINY in a 4 minute novice's Challenge match.
SHMEGMA vanquished FEZ in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge duel.
YELLOW JACKET was demolished by ALLAN JOHNSON in a 1 minute uneven conflict.
SUNSHINE handily defeated HENDRICK in a exciting 1 minute mismatched fight.
WHITE WITCH viciously subdued HOFFA in a tiresome 21 minute brutal master's melee.
LOKI IX was overpowered by ODALISQUE in a 1 minute one-sided battle.
RETRIBUTION XXIX won victory over BUSTED NUTS in a 1 minute veteran's bout.
911 handily defeated 3D'S NOT L33T in a 1 minute mismatched bout.
TOWEL BOY was vanquished by VENGANZA in a crowd pleasing 1 minute one-sided match.
SHRIVELLED PRUNE was beaten by NYSTERIOUS WAYS in a 2 minute battle.
PLUM subdued HAPPY PEASANT in a 3 minute bloody veteran vs. amateur fight.
RYEHARD was handily defeated by STORM FIRE in a exciting 1 minute mismatched match.
SCORN BREAD bested READY, STEADY, GO in a 1 minute fight.
PANAMON bested CHONDROMALACIA in a 2 minute match.
T MARIE demolished NOODLY APPENDIX in a popular 1 minute mismatched contest.
STAR defeated BLACK DEATH in a crowd pleasing 4 minute duel.
GUNPOWDER defeated GHNSGFI in a 2 minute fight.
SHAMIKA slimly lost to SOCRATES in a 6 minute bloody conflict.
LUC was beaten by KING ROCKER in a popular 1 minute gruesome match.
TEMPE FACER SCROD subdued LOST BREAD in a 2 minute novice's conflict.
JOHNNY FOURHOOVES viciously subdued PINK I in a 4 minute gory amateur's bout.
SARDASIA was beaten by FRED in a 2 minute gruesome novice's brawl.
HARD CIDER slaughtered ARCHIMEDES in a 1 minute one-sided bout.
SCARLET ABATTOIR overpowered ARISTOTLE in a 1 minute uneven fight.
IICERGS lost to HOLOCAUST in a 2 minute novice's match.
GILMMAO subdued DOUBLE CHOCOLAINE in a 2 minute novice's duel.
FGGMOGO was defeated by HARUSPEX in a action packed 5 minute novice's contest.
IJEOOGI was unbelievably bested by SENTINEL in a exciting 6 minute gory novice's bout.
PAPERCUT assassinated GERR in a 1 minute bloody one-sided fight.
JONES was vanquished by GALILEO in a 1 minute one-sided struggle.
MANHATTAN PROJECT was unbelievably bested by PLATO in a 2 minute novice's match.
E was viciously subdued by MUGWUMP in a 2 minute gory novice's battle.
LUCKY CHARMS won victory over TAKE ANOTHER SHOT in a 1 minute novice's melee.
BATTLE REPORT
MOST POPULAR RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS
|FIGHTING STYLE FIGHTS FIGHTING STYLE W - L - K PERCENT|
|STRIKING ATTACK 42 TOTAL PARRY 69 - 45 - 1 61 |
|LUNGING ATTACK 26 WALL OF STEEL 36 - 26 - 3 58 |
|TOTAL PARRY 20 LUNGING ATTACK 79 - 81 - 4 49 |
|AIMED BLOW 17 AIMED BLOW 30 - 32 - 3 48 |
|WALL OF STEEL 11 STRIKING ATTACK 121 - 134 - 11 47 |
|BASHING ATTACK 8 PARRY-STRIKE 15 - 18 - 0 45 |
|SLASHING ATTACK 8 BASHING ATTACK 34 - 63 - 2 35 |
|PARRY-STRIKE 4 SLASHING ATTACK 21 - 46 - 3 31 |
|PARRY-LUNGE 3 PARRY-RIPOSTE 4 - 11 - 0 27 |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE 2 PARRY-LUNGE 4 - 14 - 0 22 |
Turn 437 was great if you Not so great if you used The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles: the fighting styles: top eleven warriors are:
PARRY-RIPOSTE 2 - 0 LUNGING ATTACK 12 - 14 4 STRIKING ATTACK
PARRY-STRIKE 3 - 1 AIMED BLOW 7 - 10 4 TOTAL PARRY
WALL OF STEEL 8 - 3 SLASHING ATTACK 2 - 6 1 LUNGING ATTACK
TOTAL PARRY 11 - 9 PARRY-LUNGE 0 - 3 1 BASHING ATTACK
STRIKING ATTACK 21 - 21 1 WALL OF STEEL
BASHING ATTACK 4 - 4
TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE
FIGHTING STYLE WARRIOR W L K PNTS TEAM NAME
STRIKING ATTACK THE RIDDLER 7852 15 8 2 128 CRAZY CREEPS (207)
TOTAL PARRY SUNSHINE 7593 11 7 0 110 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
LUNGING ATTACK TYVEK 7478 10 8 0 107 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
WALL OF STEEL TIGER TY 7665 18 15 1 96 WING HOVE (529)
AIMED BLOW WEEZY DANG 7909 10 8 0 92 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
SLASHING ATTACK ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083 11 9 0 86 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
PARRY-STRIKE TWIG 8096 6 3 1 58 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
BASHING ATTACK PLUM 8094 4 3 1 43 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.
The overall popularity leader is DUNNO 6988. The most popular warrior this turn was
SHEEPY THOMPSON 8538. The ten other most popular fighters were TWIG 8096, WILD
FLOWER 8443, IJEOOGI 8528, BLACK DEATH 8446, ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083, FGGMOGO 8527, DAY BY
DAY 8338, RESPECT THE PACKAGE 7832, DARIUS 8552, and PICK OF DESTINY 8553.
The least popular fighter this week was JACK THE RIPPER 7487. The other ten least
popular fighters were HOFFA 7713, VENREK 7477, WHITE WITCH 7542, TAKE ANOTHER SHOT
8558, E 3714, JONES 8539, GERR 8556, SENTINEL 8543, HARUSPEX 8559, and DOUBLE
CHOCOLAINE 8461.
The following warriors will travel to AD after next turn:
JACK THE RIPPER (60-7487) CRAZY CREEPS (207)