DUEL 2 NEWSLETTER Date : 03/21/2008 Duedate: 04/03/2008 COLLUSION COVE ARENA DM-60 TURN-438 This Weeks Top Honors THE DUELMASTER IS THE RIDDLER CRAZY CREEPS (207) (60-7852) [16-8-2,136] Chartered Recognition Leader Unchartered Recognition Leader WRATH LIX T MARIE DEATH STUDS VII (301) MY PRESENT (637) (60-7899) [13-3-1,144] (60-8522) [2-1-0,54] Popularity Leader This Weeks Favorite DUNNO ALLAN JOHNSON HIT ME WITH... (503) TPW FOREVER (619) (60-6988) [12-19-1,86] (60-8232) [14-5-0,112] THE CURRENT TOP TEAM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) TEAMS ON THE MOVE TOP CAREER HONORS Team Name Point Gain Chartered Team 1. CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) 60 2. CLNGE (638) 33 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) 3. ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) 29 Unchartered Team 4. DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) 25 5. TPW FOREVER (619) 24 GRECO-ROMAN (639) The Top Teams Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K 1/ 1*GRECO-ROMAN (639) 10 5 0 66.7 1/ 4 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) 13 2 0 2/ 4 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) 134 91 8 59.6 2/ 5 CRAZY CREEPS (207) 11 4 1 3/ 3 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) 37 26 2 58.7 3/ 9 TPW FOREVER (619) 10 5 1 4/ 2 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) 29 21 7 58.0 4/ 7*GRECO-ROMAN (639) 10 5 0 5/ 5 DEATH STUDS VII (301) 516 411 20 55.7 5/ 3*DREAMTIME (633) 10 5 0 6/ 6 CRAZY CREEPS (207) 594 487 20 54.9 6/13 DEATH STUDS VII (301) 9 6 1 7/ 7 PASTAFARIANS (630) 27 23 0 54.0 7/ 1 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) 9 6 1 8/19*THE EYES HAVE IT (632) 14 12 0 53.8 8/14 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 9 6 0 9/11*GENX PERFECT HITS (620) 14 12 0 53.8 9/ 8*GENX PERFECT HITS (620) 9 6 0 10/15*DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) 8 7 1 53.3 10/17*THE EYES HAVE IT (632) 9 6 0 11/ 9 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 228 204 13 52.8 11/ 2 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) 8 6 0 12/10 WILD CARDS (148) 783 707 34 52.6 12/18*DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) 8 7 1 13-13 VILLAINOUS LEGION (605) 20 19 1 51.3 13/19*LUROCIANS T308 (636) 8 7 0 14-14 DEATH STUDS XII (602) 42 42 5 50.0 14/ 6 PASTAFARIANS (630) 8 7 0 15-16 UNDERDOGS (5) 284 288 16 49.7 15/20 THE BUNKHOUSE (595) 7 8 0 16/17 TPW FOREVER (619) 31 32 4 49.2 16/15 WING HOVE (529) 7 8 0 17/12 PURE EVIL (629) 24 25 2 49.0 17-12 SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586) 6 4 1 18/ 8*DREAMTIME (633) 19 20 0 48.7 18/30 WILD CARDS (148) 6 8 1 Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K 19/27*LUROCIANS T308 (636) 9 10 0 47.4 19/25 4000 BLOWS (107) 6 9 1 20/21 4000 BLOWS (107) 693 771 32 47.3 20/16 HIT ME WITH... (503) 6 9 0 21/20 THE BUNKHOUSE (595) 92 103 2 47.2 21/35*CLNGE (638) 6 9 0 22/25 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) 96 108 2 47.1 22/10 PURE EVIL (629) 5 10 2 23/18 HIT ME WITH... (503) 76 86 3 46.9 23/26 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 5 10 1 24/22 WING HOVE (529) 121 138 6 46.7 24/11*LA BOULANGE (626) 5 10 0 25-23 SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586) 42 48 2 46.7 25-23 DEATH STUDS XII (602) 4 0 0 26/24 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 71 84 4 45.8 26-24 VILLAINOUS LEGION (605) 4 0 0 27/26*LA BOULANGE (626) 11 14 0 44.0 27/27*NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) 4 11 1 28-28 FUNKY FOLK (565) 68 94 10 42.0 28/34*MY PRESENT (637) 4 11 0 29/29 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591) 82 123 6 40.0 29-28 FUNKY FOLK (565) 3 0 2 30/36*CLNGE (638) 6 10 0 37.5 30-22 UNDERDOGS (5) 3 7 0 31/31 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD (585) 20 46 4 30.3 31/36 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD (585) 2 8 0 32/34*MY PRESENT (637) 4 11 0 26.7 32/21 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) 2 8 0 33/33*NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) 5 15 1 25.0 33/29 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591) 1 5 0 34-35*RUSH REBORN (627) 7 30 2 18.9 34-31*RUSH REBORN (627) 0 5 0 35- 0*THE MIB (304) 0 1 0 0.0 35- 0*THE MIB (304) 0 1 0 '*' Unchartered team '-' Team did not fight this turn (###) Avoid teams by their Team Id ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank TEAM SPOTLIGHT + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Mega-Store Conspiracy ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + Devil's Worshop Turn 3 "I'm going down to that new superstore they just opened in Market Square," Master Darque announced to his teammate Pip the Troll. "You want to come?" Never one to miss an opportunity for public drunkeness, Pip shrugged his shoulders and said, "Sure, nothing going on around here." As the pair walked through the streets of Aradi to the new superstore they quickly became aware that all was not right with the world. The citizens of Aradi were all dressed rather oddly. They were aware that Aradi was the leg- warmer and cod piece capital of Alastari, but their daily attire was now stamped with a FONZ emblem. Pink leg-warmer and shiny copper cod piece commoners went about their daily business and advertising the FONZ to all who would look upon them. Pip thought that he saw a non-FONZ pullover on a dirty toddler that said "BABY COLLUSSION GAP", but Darque quickly reminded him that Collusion was synonymous with FONZ in Aradi. Realizing that all was not right with the universe, Pip finally asked the question, "So what is this new superstore we are going to anyway?" "FONZ-Mart is what the flier said. And from looking at all these people, I'm guessing that business is booming," as the necromancer spoke they rounded the corner and came face to face with the new superstore. On the curb, FONZites were passing out free leg-warmers and cod pieces to all that would have them. Master Darque had to refuse three cod pieces before he made it to the front door. He finally took one and shoved it into his robes so they would leave him alone. They entered the superstore and were promptly greeted by the ancient FONZ-Mart door greeter. Upon closer inspection, they realized it was Creepster. "Zippidy doo-dah and hoorah today to you," the Creepster bellowed. "Welcome to FONZ-Mart." Pip and Darque nodded and then quickly passed by the greeter not wanting to get to close to him. The smell of peppermint and Vick's Vapo-rub was heavy as they passed him and he let out another "Zippidy doo-day and hoorah to you today," as another custumer entered the store. The pair began to walk down the many aisles of the store and were surprised at the products on the shelf. "This place is starting to scare me," Pip finally admitted. "Yeah, it is a little strange. They have put FONZ on everything. I needed a box of Rolaids for my viewing box, but I'm not too sure I want to try these," the half-demon showed Pip a teal and white medicine bottle with the words FONZaids written boldly across it. "I was a little freaked out by the FONZiration-H myself," Pip said. As the two wary custormers went up and down the aisles, a sales associate spotted them and came to assist. Nuln was decked out in his Chaos Lord (tm) armor and wore a tight fitting blue FONZ-Mart vest. "How can I assist you today?" he asked. "We are just browsing, thank you," Darque said trying to avoid him. "Wait, I do need some sun screen, do you have any here?" "Ah yes, you need sunscreen, especially with your light complexion. You have to protect yourself from FONZonoma." "FONZo-what!?" Darque asked. "FONZonoma, you know a terrible disease that one," Nuln answered. Pip tapped Darque on the shoulder and motioned toward the dooor. He thought now was a good time to leave. Darque nodded in agreement and the two began to slowly back up towards the door. "Why are you leaving, we have so many more products to show you! Let me get some more of my other associates to help you," Nuln clapped his hands and FONZ-Mart associates began swarming the aisle. "No, no, that is quite all right. We can find what we need ourselves. We will just be on our way," Darque stammered. "I don't think so, grab them," Nuln shouted and the FONZ-Mart associates grabbed Darque and Pip. "Take them to the back room." ***** Darque and Pip were blindfolded and taken to the back of the store. They were tied to chairs. The back room was nothing more than an employee lounge with Aradi employment charts about worker's compensation and minimum wage hanging on the walls. Nuln and the other FONZ-Mart employees were standing over the pair, eyeing them suspiciously. "What is the meaning of all this?" Darque shouted. "I demand to be freed this instant!" "No, I'm afraid we can't do that. You weren't going to buy anything and seemed immune to our geas spells. Therefore you are a danger and need to be eliminated before you ruin our plans," Nuln informed them. "Plans, what plans?" Pip asked. "Very well, since we are going to kill you, I don't see anything wrong with revealing our grand scheme to you. I mean I have read a lot of stories and this is just pretty much typical behavior for the villian to give out his most guarded secrets," the Chaos Lord said. "All right, all right, just spit it out or kill me. I don't have time for this because this spot is starting to run a little long," Darque hissed. "I'll give you the short version then," Nuln shrugged. "We opened this superstore and renamed all of the products with FONZ friendly names, as well as placed a few geas spells here and there so that we can FONZise all of Aradi. With Aradi FONZised there will be none to oppose us!" "FONZise?" Pip and Darque said in unison and then looked at one another confused. "Yeah, FONZise. You know to cause or to become FONZ. Geez it's all simple," Death Stud stepped in to explain. "You see we FONZise the entire city and make everything FONZogenic. Once everyone begins to have a FONZiful time, we then set up the First Church of FONZolatry and all will worship us! Bwahahahahaha! Do you understand now?" "Yeah, the evil laugh was a bit much. However, that is a dumb plan, no one is going to fall for that. How can you hope to indoctrinate an entire city? Your plan is dumb. I'm sure there are better ways to do it," Pip berated the FONZ members. "Actually, it is the best plan. We had our FONZologist research all the diabolical means in which we could reach our goal. At first were were going to use FONZoscopic FONZcytes and implant them in all the people, but the overhead was just too much. Then we were going to use mycoFONZ to infect everyone with FONZitis, but that was too messy and the only person who liked that plan was Snotman," Death Stud continued speaking and all the FONZ members were focused on him, paying no attention to their prisoners. Darque and Pip nodded to one another. "Let's get the FONZ out of here," Pip said. He broke the cheaply made FONZorope that was holding him and then untied Darque. The FONZ members were still too enthralled by Death Stud's oratory to notice their prisoners escaping. Darque clapped his hands and magically teleported the pair back to the guildhouse. A few calls to the local newspapers and a few leaked sources here and there about FONZ products being made in China and laced with lead was all that was needed to shut down FONZ-Mart and stop their diabolical plan. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Stardust ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + The Annual Aradi Manager Moonlight Ball (A Crazy Creeps TOGS3 Presentation) It was a lovely night in Aradi, with temperatures in the low 70's, a gentle breeze, and a gorgeous full moon shining overhead. Alongside the lake, the ACC (Aradi Croquet Club) outdoors dance floor was decorated in lovely light blues and greens, and the Glen Miller Band was playing the light music of the day. The annual Aradi Manager Moonlight Ball was in full swing. On the dance floor were some of the earlier arrivals. Slugbait, in his lime green leisure suit was dancing the jitterbug with his date, a half-troll from Fratsfa. In step with them were Soultaker and Fatty Patty, whom the soul man had apparently lured back from The Creepster. Street Legal and Hammer, both in white tails and straw hats, were standing aside, drinks in hand, talking to their dates, twins and halfling sisters of Death Stud, while watching Slugbait and Soultaker make fools of themselves. (Apparently this was no big deal and a very common site.) Near the temporary bar, a table had been confiscated and several of the managers were playing high stakes old maid. Tigtoad, appeared to be dressed in a formal tent, apparently designed to cover his massive warts. He was dealing. "Gimme a hit" yelled General Ironside, looking mighty cool in a paisley Hawaiian shirt over striped pedal-pushers of a pale puke color. "You dork!" responded Pip The Troll, while he eyed Slugbait's date with lust in his eyes. "That's the wrong game. I raise you four gold coins." "Jeez!" whispered Tigtoad to The Greek Guy. "This should be easy money. By the way I like your orange Tommy Boy sport coat. Did ya get that at Nuln's Nut Sack Shop? It really matches your cargo pants, ya know?" TGG just looked at him with a scowl and said, "Deal." Meanwhile their three dates and one spouse were cooling their heels, seemingly rather angry about the card game. "I'm going to divorce that TGG, you know?" said Mrs. Greek, "he just gambles away all out money, and he's not that good in bed, either! Does anybody want him?" (The quiet seemed to imply there were no takers.) About that time there was something of an uproar, as an enormous stagecoach pulled into the receiving area and more managers arrived. First off was Managerr, in a black tux and silk bowtie, looking like the Governor of Aradi which he was, in his own mind. Managerr was escorting Kelly Clarkson, who was going to be one of the featured singers of the evening. Managerr reached into his coat pocket and pulled out his pet manager-in-training and wife, Mr. and Mrs. Death Stud. "We're gonna have a great time, eh, Stud?" offered Managerr. The Stud just squeaked. Next to climb from the coach were Mannequin and Samwise the Bald, holding hands and dressed in identical white tennis tops and skirts. They made a fine couple. "Where are Snotman and Nuln?" Managerr asked. "They were supposed to be on this stagecoach. Whatsa deal, Samwise? Hey, by the way, I like you guys' cute skirts." "Oh, you know, Snotty and Nulnie." replied Samwise, as he adjusted his thong under the short skirt. "They're both protesting The Stud's attempted takeover of the FONZ. Nuln says he would never allow someone to steal his leadership position, no matter how many teams that person is able to run. Never!" Last out of the coach were Hombre in a tailored summer light blue and white seersucker suit and the mighty Flagg all clothed in a pair of red, white, and blue overalls plus ascot with stars on it. Hombre had paid four hundred million gold coins to get a date with Anna Kornakova for the evening, and it must be said that she looked like a million! Her outfit was similar to Samwise's and Mannequin's, but she seemed to fill it in a far better fashion. Flagg was escorting a newcomer by the name of Betsy Ross. About that time, the late-dragger-inners began appearing at the dance. There was Le Pentarque marching in military resplendent, escorting one of The Flower Girls. No, wait! He was escorting two--one on each arm, and they both had that big smile on their face which often indicates complete satisfaction. Swinetiger, in an orange and black jump suit, seemed to be begging the Frenchie for one of the girls, but it wasn't happening. The dance floor was pretty full by now, as the slow dreamy tunes were common, and most couples took the opportunity to snuggle up for a feel or two. The alcohol flowed freely, and by the time of the main feature, all of Aradi was pretty loopy. "Hey! There she is! Kelly Clarkson's gonna sing!" yelled out Samwise. Mannequin just looked at Samwise with daggers in his eyes. (He was probably thinking ten kill desire.) On the stage came Clarkson followed by her make-shift accompaniment--Haunt on the bongo drums, Indimar and Rillion with fiddles, Elephant on the accordion, and Pauly with the oboe. The Creepster carried a fife.... Let it be said that the annual Aradi Manager Moonlight Ball was a success that year. The Kelly Clarkson video won a Grammy. There was no booze left over. Nuln did not allow Death Stud to take over the FONZ. Samwise proposed to Mannequin. Seraphim did not show. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + ----- ----- ----- [Samwise the Bald] ----- ----- ----- THE ARADI ENQUIRER "The voice of the people" Volume I, Issue 1 A word from the editor: Greetings, fellow citizens of Aradi. It is with great pride and a sense of destiny that I proudly bring you this little publication. It is my sincere hope that this endeavor of mine will find an audience and take hold in this, my beloved home. For far too long, there has been only one voice in the Aradi media. For far too long has this humble island community been subjected to that singular voice and opinion. And for far too long we, the people of Aradi, have accepted the fertilizer the supposed "free" press has fed us. Well, I say no more! No more accepting such "award winning" drivel blindly! Just as every coin has two sides, just as every whole has two halves, and just as Manager has two faces, every story has two sides! For too long, the newshound citizens have had only option for their news: the supposed Award Winning Aradi Free Press. HA! HA, I SAY!! That fish wrap is as award winning as a "make out with your sister" contest winner! There has been no competition. And that cat litter box liner is as free as a priest's celibacy! It is free only if you are looking to finish the sentence, "The Award Winning Aradi Free Press is (blank) of creativity!" The reign of misinformation is no more. The Aradi Enquirer is here now to shed light into the Free Press caused darkness of ignorance. You will now have a news choice. You will have the rest of the story and a voice of sanity and reason to turn to. The drivel that has been forced upon Aradi by the Aradi Free Press has been so ultra-conservative that it has poisoned our fair island community. Even the renowned Rush Limburger has said he finds the AFP a bit too rigid. And who do we have to blame for this abomination that has been so cruelly thrust upon us? None other than the infamous Consortium! Their narrow-minded, conservative worldview has been warping the minds of the youth of Aradi. In fact, just this morning I saw two young men arguing in Scrodbucks over whether or not it was fiscally responsible to buy a large drink! It is my desire, nay, my mission, to enlighten the minds if Aradi. Only by doing so can I hope to establish any hope whatsoever for the future of our community. Only by acting as a beacon of reason and hope for our people can I lie down at night and sleep the peaceful, unburdened sleep of the righteous. I hope you'll join me. I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge my kind financier and publisher, Samwise of Zukal, also known as Samwise the Bald. Without him, this little enterprise would not be possible. Thank you. For now, I invite you to enjoy our inaugural issue. To honor the glorious Tournament of the Golden Scrod, we have chosen to introduce our readers to some of the notable participants. Enjoy! I am, Rufus ************************* SPECIAL TOGS MANAGER PROFILES: Name: Death Stud Famous for: being a two-time TOGS winner. Little-known fact: was once nearly six feet tall. In a cruel twist of fate, a genie granted his wish to be well-endowed by shrinking his body proportionately, reducing him to his current height of 2.5 feet! Name: Soultaker Famous for: being carried through TOGS after TOGS by his partner, Death Stud. Little-known fact: the very same genie granted his wish to be handsome. The genie disappeared before explaining to what form of life Soultaker's horrific visage could possibly appeal! Name: Rillion Famous for: being one half of the greatest choke in TOGS history. Little-known fact: He has TC'd. Name: The Crazy Creepster Famous for: choosing the worst TOGS partner of all time. Little-known fact: running the campaign of Cillary Hinton for Aradi Mayor. She was narrowly defeated by Bark Oboyo in the run-off election. He was once married to Cillary. She divorced him for being "too liberal." Name: Manager Famous for: winning the first TOGS. Little known fact: was expelled from the Bill Belichik School of Winning for employing questionable tactics. More manager profiles on page 2. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ La Boulange ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + My, my, could it be getting better? Some of our Bread Freaks actually beat flesh gladiators. A few. We are still not very handy with this TOGS thing. Let's study the writings of the old, crumbling outdated veterans we are about to stuff into history books.... Reading that mine of wrapping paper we call a newsletter, I wondered that one admirer gave Le Pentarque the glorious place of quarterback in a brilliant team. The part with the luscious lady licking her lips is one good point for our little business. I consider that as an honor, even if some dough got splattered on the end of the story...could not read it...no big deal.... I guess that I was leading that bunch of geniuses to victory! With my credit card thrown in the wishing well, the wheel of fortune had to go my way. I knew that the flower of Alastarian Managers would go fall for quality bread, made with the best flour...hum...flour.... My dictionary tells me there is an interesting slang meaning for flour: this is an idea for later, if we stick to the last place a little too long. Well...let's try to brainstorm something. Right now, our team is not terrifying anyone. Bread Golems are perhaps too mouth-watering to be taken seriously. I will start a checklist. -- I must stuff them with some surprises. L'Apprenti was sent to take a big chunk of meat from the first Beast (XVII) he would meet: meat-pies are not French specialties, but you can compromise when you are losing. -- Each customer has to be taken seriously. We must custom-tailor. First come, first served: the Pastafarians are crafty, they noticed we were looking for them, and they had a shot at our shop, so I guess we have to cut them, their friends, and family into pieces small enough to enter our bread recipes. Hum...that's not exactly the usual way to attract new customers, but these one are really special: they will improve our products, so I can tell that's some serious custom-tailoring. Then, TGG and Rillion are on my list: the one from the Land of Flat Bread called me a chunky sidekick. Chunky? I don't deal in junk food for degenerated palates. My bread Golems are cooked in a traitorous French stone handmade giant Oven of Wonder. Each stone was painstakingly chosen among sacred druidic groves in thick and monster-ridden forest, brought on a little canoe from over the sea, and carried with my bare hands to serve refined customers. During that quest, I ate only blessed wholemeal elven bread with some occasional raw kobold on the side. So...I guess I can tell I am NOT chunky. To get chunky, I need a better business, I need victories. What kind of bread can we serve to Demons of Darkness? These guys seem kinda evil, aren't they? Hum, we can offer them the lungs of Sha'Londa between two slices of Greek unleavened bread. Eating the lungs of a friend is evil, no? Then the Creepster. That guy is creeping all over Alastari. Serving him won't be easy, he is said to be versatile. We will offer him the Random cake, all the components chosen by rolling twenty-faced Gygax dices. Enough thinking for this day, I can feel my creme de la creme brain oozing down my ears. Le Pentarque, improving baker.... Ah ah ah ah, they will all get fatter! + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Pure Evil -- "Again?" ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + Haunt looked over the results from week 2 of the TOGS competition with dismay. He looked up at his assembled team. "Well you guys have improved a bit, but we're still way down near the bottom of the rankings. And what is the deal with all this killing? Do we really need two other TOGS teams out to get us when we are just trying to get back into a respectable position here? They can't even get my name right in the newsletters. Who is this Crow character anyway?" Haunt had to admit the name did sound familiar, but he could not place it. His musings were interrupted when The Ex stood up and pointed at him, "Hey, you're the one that told us we needed to shed a lot more blood if we wanted to get anywhere in this contest. I have heard you talking to General Ironcide. I know your memory is all messed up, but don't tear into us for something you asked for! I don't need this you know. I get plenty of gold a month in alimony from that no good rat! I'm just on this team for the fun of it!" Haunt banged his fist on the table, "I may not remember my past much but I gave no such orders." Papercut looked up. "Yeah you did boss. Just last week when we met in that abandoned warehouse, you told us! You said you wanted to see more blood, that you wanted us to live up to our name Pure Evil! I told you I prefer them to live. It's more fun watching them squirm from all the wounds I inflict but you said if I didn't kill someone stone dead soon I'd be sorry. Oh, and why'd you shave that goatee off? I thought it was cool! Especially, how you kept twirling your mustache. That must have taken forever to grow!" Haunt slammed the table forcefully again. "What?! Are you crazy? We had no meetings in an abandoned warehouse. Why would I bother with that when we have a headquarters right here? And a mustache and goatee? That'd look ridiculous." Haunt tried to contain his rage. For some reason that image filled him with anger. "If someone is pretending to be me this is serious stuff. I'm going to have to report this to..." With a crack Haunt toppled over, his last thought before consciousness faded was "Not again...." The gathered warriors began to reach for their weapons when the attacked held up his hands. "Come now, he was useless. Yes, I attacked him and technically he IS your manager, but you all want to win, correct? It was I who gave you those tips last week in that warehouse. They worked too as Papercut and The Ex can attest to. If the rest of you fools had showed up instead of being out drinking or whatever it is you do at night, perhaps this team would have done even better." His point made, the warriors put their weapons away. The Ex was the first to speak. "Ok, ok. We get it. Haunt was a bit of a wuss anyway. With a name like Pure Evil I thought I was going to really get to hurt stuff! So now that we are all in, what do we call you?" The shadowy figure stepped into the light. The gathered warriors gasped as he looked exactly like their former manager, only with a goatee and long curled mustache which he continually twirled. "I once went by another name more fitting. But for now you may refer to me as Haunt. We wouldn't want to commit any rules violations after all would we? Bwahahahahahahaha! Now that I have returned, this team shall truly live up to its name." His cackles carried into the night. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ MY BEST BUDS 2 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + The Adventures of Soulie and Studoo Ah yes as we last left off in the adventures of Soulie and Studoo our two main characters were about to partake of some good ole' fashioned bowling fun. Street Legal had already high-tailed it out of there, having left in something of a frenzied mood at the dialogue that had gone on there. Studoo's regular driver was on vacation so Soulie summoned for his driver and carriage to take them to the alley............. and then to later take them to the lanes! The call came up from Studoo's look out man, sitting high up in the crow's nest he had erected against espionage, that Soulie's carriage had just made the corner. Studoo and Soulie stepped from the front gate as the carriage came into view. "Hah, hah what do you think little man of my new ride? Hah, hah isn't it fly?" Soulie quizzed of his ToGS partner. Studoo leered in amazement as the candy-apple red low- rider carriage pulled up. "It's um nice but don't you think you're a little old for something like that. I mean the kids are rockin' out carriages like this but you my friend are just a wee bit past your prime," he replied choking back a laugh. "Yeah, yeah whatever so I'm having a mid-life crisis so what do you make of it," Soulie retorted. "Ah geez dingle balls and zebra striped interior! I should have guesses you'd have gotten all the accoutrements necessary for a sled like this." Studoo said under his breath. "Yeah I even got a personalized license plate for it that reads SOULMAN. You're lookin' at the dopest dope ride in all of Collusion Cove my friend. I'm the envy of all the managers now," Soulie beamed with pride. He proceeded to show his little buddy the kickin' sound system he had installed. He pressed a small red button and from the floor popped up a little box entitled "Boom Box". The lid flipped off and inside were three small musicians playing...what else..."Soul Man"! "I swear I'm going to get them to learn more than just this one song but for now it works out great!" They pulled up to Collusion Lanes in the midst of a heated argument. Soulie could be heard to say, "Get off my chandelier for gods sakes! So I only pulled two wins in the first turn give me time I will get more in the future." Studoo suddenly took notice of the marquee at Collusion Lanes. "Oooh, ooh look at that The Crazy Creepster opened up a new restaurant here. We just have to drop in and see what sort of fare he is serving." Soulie answered, "Yes, yes but first let's get our shoes and lane first. I have big feet (or so he hoped the ladies believed) and I want to be sure they have the right sized, ahem, clown shoes I need." Studoo gleamed back, "Clown shoes? Can I get one of those matching hats with the bells on the end like the Jesters wear too?" Soulie just smacked his forehead in disgust as they entered Collusion Lanes. After setting up with their shoes and balls at the lane Studoo reminded Soulie that they had to visit Creepster's new restaurant. They strode over to the hole in the wall from which Creepster was operating his business. "And a fine giggity, giggity, giggity to you two fine chaps," Creepster said quite sanely. "My you're um doing well these days Creepster looks like things are shaping up for you quite well this ToGS," said Soulie quizzically. "And a fine hat that is sir." Creepster said. "Thanks! I got it from a friend who got it from his friend Maximillian. It's called a Took of Lucidity (tm)," in response. "Ahh forgive me and my manners, welcome to Creepster's Oyster Bar, would you like an Oyster Bag to go? On me of course." Studoo began to leap up and down like a child. "Oooh I love Oysters can I have a Creepster Oyster Bag (tm), extra large. Please, please, pretty please." Soulie reached into his pocket and pulled out his coin purse and replied, "One extra large Oyster Bag, on the house right, and let me get an order of Creepster's Magic Onions (tm) please." to be continued???????????????????????????????? + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Flagg's TOGS Spot ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + Flagg stared at the motionless, headless body of a golden chicken. It was all he could do after watching the ruthless Papercut of Pure Evil slice through his newest warrior. "For goodness sake! Where's his head Papercut?" he called out to the departing killer. Flagg scooped up the body, details of revenge already beginning to emerge in his thoughts. "Gerr, little buddy. I'll avenge your death! You didn't deserve this. PAPERCUT!! You killed my golden good luck charm! Where's his head, you miscreant!! What foul, perverse things are you doing to my poor, little Gerr's head??" he bellowed. The four surviving members of My Present lined up behind their manager and followed him out of the arena in a somber procession. *** "Ok, team meeting!" Flagg announced to his assembled stable. They had spent the last few days mourning the loss of the golden chicken, Gerr, and everyone seemed eager to get that behind them. "First on the agenda is the Gerr's bloodfeud. Double D, you haven't been pulling your weight in your current rankings, so I'm going to have you post the bloodfeud challenge. Hopefully, that head-stealing tub thumper, Papercut won't avoid." Flagg instructed. "The rest of you, just challenge whoever. I've been busy trying to find a replacement for my dear, precious Gerr. Now, I've got the candidates lined up outside and I'll let them introduce themselves one by one." Flagg said. The stable mates nodded their agreement and Flagg walked over to the door. Opening the door, Flagg barked out, "Now, we'll need you guys to come in one by one and introduce yourselves. We'll let the winning applicant know later this afternoon. Ok , you first big guy." In walked a mammoth of a man, two large shields attached to arms the circumference of oak trees. "My name is Bashera. I'm a basher. I like to bash. I prefer to use my large shields, cuz I can bash little men into pancake shapes. Pick me and I'll bring victory to this team!!" he stated. "Thank you, Bashera. We'll definitely keep you in mind. Next!" Flagg yelled, motioning the basher out the door. Next walked in the basher's visual opposite. A diminutive orc clad in a purple spring dress and pink sandals. The orc was carrying a bouquet of fresh cut flowers. "Ah, look she brought flowers." Double D said smiling. "I'm a male orc." the warrior snorted. "Ummm, yeah...ok, so could you tell us a little about yourself?" Flagg questioned. "Well, I like long walks in the rain, freshly shampooed hair, little chocolate bites, and I especially adore fresh cut spring flowers. See!" The small orc stated while pushing out the flowers for everyone to inspect. Flagg groaned and stated, "No, no. What's your name and style? Tell us that type of stuff." "Oh, ok." the orc continued, "My name is Managerr..." "Next!!!" *** Flagg and his stable spent the remainder of the afternoon viewing various derelicts and street bums when, finally, no one else came through the door. "Holy cripes! That was the biggest pool of inbreeds and Creeps that I've ever seen!" Flagg muttered. "Perhaps we should send someone back to Rodeki to find a suitable mine worker that can fill the gap?" he pondered. Just then came a knock at the door. "House keeping!" came the call from the other side of the door. Leatham stood up and let the cleaning staff member in. In walked a young man carrying a mop and a bucket. "Someone said there was a large stain on the ceiling to clean?" he asked. "Oh, that's just precious. Now the Togs pranks begin!" Flagg chuckled. "Sorry young man, but there's no stain on the ceiling to clean." he stated. "Ok then, I'll be leaving." the young man stated as he twirled his mop and turned to leave. Flagg thought for a second and asked, "What's your name?" "DGA," came the reply. "Have you ever fought in the arena before?" the manager questioned. "Nope. Why?" was his reply. "We're looking for a new warrior on our team. We haven't had much luck in finding one. You seem just as able bodied as the next guy." Flagg stated. "How much does it pay?" DGA asked. "I'll double what you're making now." Flagg replied. "Well...I don't know...it is a dangerous job." DGA stammered. "I'll throw in a bag of bubble gum each cycle." Flagg countered. "Deal!" DGA exclaimed. "Excellent! Glad to have you aboard!" Flagg excitedly shook the man's hand. "Now, is DGA your actual name or does it stand for something?" he asked. "It stands for Don't Get Attached." the warrior answered. "How appropriate." Flagg chuckled. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ TigToad's Return: Part 3 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + "Another good week, men. I'm proud of the effort you've given in practice. Your arena fights have been outstanding." Such praise from the old hunchback was rare. "Sir," with respects, "Archimedes DIED." "Yes, yes, an excellent tactical move on his part." TigToad frowned. "I do suppose he hadn't intended to die, which does remove some of the brilliance of his act, but still, good for the team at that." "Sir," Plato tried again, "Archimedes... you know, the young man you praised to us as the greatest aimed blow of his time? He DIED. He's not coming back." TigToad sighed. A deep, exasperated sigh. "Yes, yes, a shame, a pity, I went to the burial remember? Now, onto the bloodfeud, you see we need to..." "SIR! Are you crazy? He was a good man, a nice man! You treat it like a wager with a bookie that went bad." "Young Plato, I appreciate that you are a young man of some emotion. Let me make this clear. Archimedes, well, he was 0-2. He deserved death. Now, those of us among the living need to win this TOGS contest. Let's start with the bloodfeud." From there, the other warriors were stoic. They held in their feelings about the emotionless hunchback preaching strategy. Even they were thrown by his parting comments. "I've asked our newest warrior, Descartes, to send a message to Zalgor Prigg on our behalf. It seems he is not carrying his weight in this contest. It might be time to arrange for some of his warriors to die as well. If they don't start winning, see if you can get some of the chummier warriors from a team like Devil's Workshop to kill off one of Zalgor's weaker guys. He, too, can use a good bloodfeud." The meeting ended that night with a joyously delivered announcement that practice would not start until 6am tomorrow morning. I really think TigToad thought that this would be received with great joy at his graciousness. I cannot speak for the others, but all I could think about was the dead warrior in the ungloried grave yard outside of town and TigToad's utter lack of emotion. Plato found himself wandering through one of the seedier parts of town. Perhaps it was just that dark and seedy fit his current mood. "Plato, need a date?" It was with a small amount of shame that the pimp came turning around the corner. I shouldn't know anyone of that ilk as well as I do. "Hi Tyvek. Still working for Rillion?" "Yeah, Rillion's great. Free beer for a week after a win. No practice on days with the letter "a" in them. Heck, a good part of the time, he forgets I work for him and he just leaves me alone. How's life with TigToad? He as weird as they say?" Plato throught about how best to respond, but finally shrugged out, "Yeah, he's kinda creepy and obsessed... and not in a good way. He's creepy like that ex- girlfriend you had who would come by your house at 2am just to say 'hi'." "Oh wow, bummer man, well that's a tough break. Hey, at least I'll get to see you at the alliance picnics now." "Probably, I'm 2-0. TigToad said anyone who didn't have a winning record by the Spring mail-in couldn't attend. He said they would be too busy with the extra practices." "Bummer. Anyway, I have a couple dates waiting... have fun moping." + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ DUDE, WHERE'S MY HORSE'S HEAD? - Part One ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + By GenX Perfect Hits "Dude, I really should be going. I have to meet my attorney in the morning." "Come on E, the night is just beginning. These girls wanna party, don't be a party pooper." says an overexcited Barnabas. "I'm all pooped out." "Told you that you are getting old." "You're probably right. I'm gonna find a place to crash for the night." "I thought you were crashing at my place. Remember the horse's head?" "Looks like your place is going to be busy tonight. Thanks for the offer though." As Elephant is leaving the bar we see Barnabas surrounded by women make one last motion to get Elephant to return. Elephant shakes it off and exits. Elephant appears to be somewhat drunk, staggering down the street looking for a hotel or inn for the night. He comes across the Sidwell Hotel. Man what a dump he thinks. Tired of walking he decides to settle here for the night. "What can I do for you?" "I'll take a room." "By the hour or for the night." "For the night." Elephant begins to realize maybe he has made a mistake. "Standard room or deluxe?" "What's the difference?" "Standard doesn't have a lock, deluxe does." "I'll take the deluxe." "Will you be needing entertainment tonight?" The inn keeper motions to a couch that has three women on it. One is missing all her front teeth, the one in the middle is about 300 pounds while the final one is passed out. "No, I think I'm good. Thanks for the offer though." Elephant pays for the room and heads upstairs. "If you change your mind, I'll be down here. My name is Pippy." says the one in the middle. Elephant goes upstairs and enters the room. The room is very small. The room smells of mold and doesn't appear to have been cleaned in some time. Elephant locks the door and lays down in the bed. He can't stop thinking about waking up with a horse's head in his bed. He keeps tossing and turning. He reaches for the phone and calls the front desk. "Send Pippy up and have her bring a chair." A few minutes later there's a knock on the door. Elephant opens the door and in walks Pippy. "I knew you'd change your mind big boy. I'm excited about this chair you must be a very dirty boy." "Oh I'm dirty all right. Just take a look around this place." "You don't like it?" "It's all right. Pippy, that's a pretty name. Is that like Pippi Longstocking?" "No, it's like Pippy the Troll. Actually I am Pippy the Troll, TOGS Manager Extraordinaire." "I thought you looked familiar." "Enough small talk, what do you wanna do?" "I'm gonna need you to take that chair." "Oh go on!" "Relax, take that chair and place it right in front of the door." "Oh I'm getting so excited, I might lower my fee." "About the fee, how much is this going to cost?" "For you, 100." "Ok, here's 200, now sit down in the chair." Elephant pays her. Elephant climbs into bed and turns off the lights. "Ok, what now?" "Just sit there for a bit. I need some sleep. I'll let you know when." "Wow, you are dirty." "Damn what an expensive lock." Elephant thinks to himself. Elephant goes to sleep. He wakes up a few times in the night to the sounds of snoring. The snoring is coming from the chair. Elephant falls back asleep. Morning comes and he wakes up to the sound of Pippy snoring. Pippy is sleeping in the chair with just her bra and boxers on. Elephant looks at the door and decides there's no way to get through it without waking her. Elephant looks out the window. "Wow, the door or a two story drop? I should be ok if I do a PLF." Elephant mumbles to himself. Suddenly the snoring stops. "Hey baby, I didn't hear you wake up. Are you ready to cash out this jackpot?" "About that, I'm running late to see my attorney, can I get a rain check?" "A rain check? What are you trying to say?" Pippy gets up and starts making her way towards Elephant. "Now, relax" "I won't relax 'til we finish this!" Elephant jumps out the window and tries to perform a PLF. The landing doesn't go quite as planned and Elephant really hurts his ankle. "Baby are you all right? Don't move I'll be right down." Elephant hops around the corner and sees a horse and carriage. "I'll pay you whatever you need if you can get me out of here right now and over to Scott Schwartz Legal Offices." "Sure, no problem. Get in." Elephant rides off the carriage. We see Pippy running around the Sidwell looking for Elephant. The scene switches to the Scrodbucks Shop. Indimar is in his office typing away on his computer. Pauly walks into the office. "Dad are ok? You haven't left that computer in two days." "I'm busy son. This is a very busy time for us now that TOGS is here." Pauly looks at the screen and sees World of Warcraft. "Dad!! WoW for two days?" "Leave me alone, I'm getting ready to level." "This is serious, I need to talk to you." "Get yourself a coffee and I'll be out in a few." "No!!" Pauly unplugs the monitor. "Now wait a minute. That's not cool." "Dad talk to me. We're being sued both criminally and civilly." "I'm not worried about it." "You could lose this place. We could go to jail. They're calling for Laverne to be euthanized." "Relax, I know the judge. We know the judge. We're fine. Now plug my monitor back in." "Regardless of the judge, there's a settlement scheduled for today. We should get an attorney and settle this." "There will be no attorney nor will there be a settlement." Suddenly Indimar's door is busted open and in walks Pip(Pippy). "Where the hell is he? Where are you hiding him?" "Calm down Pip. What are you talking about?" "Elephant, where is he? He has a debt to settle with me." "Well Elephant isn't here. But he and I are business partners. I'll settle his debt with you." "Pauly, your father and I have some busy to settle. Can you please excuse us." "Let me finish this son and I'll be right out." "Call me Pippy." Pauly leaves the office. As he looks back he sees the blinds close and hears the door lock. "Hey wait a minute! ELEPHANT, YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS!!" Is Elephant's ankle broken? Did Indimar settle the debt with Pip(Pippy)? Will Laverne be euthanized? Who is the mystery Judge? Scott Schwartz, are you kidding me? To get the answers to these questions, stay tuned next time for DUDE, WHERE'S MY HORSE'S HEAD? - Part Two + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Eyes Have It ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + The nervous young manager raised his hand to knock on the oaken door, hesitated, and then turned to scurry away. After scampering away three or four feet he abruptly spun around and headed back. Grabbing the brass doorknocker, a lime green rat's eye, he muttered to himself, "I'm crazy, I'm crazy. This will never work. It can't work. But, how will I learn. I've got to learn and he just laughs every time I ask." Turning away from the giant door again he sighed, " He just laughs and laughs," as the door burst open and a giant hand snatched him off the ground. The next thing he saw was four yellow rotted out fangs. Gagging from the overpowering sugary peppermint odor that emanated from the giant mouth he almost lost his lunch of dry toast and milk. "Me said I give you Pink Pony money next week," snarled the peppermint-spewing maw. "Um, ah...ah. Pink Pony?" cried the rat like manager as he dropped his brown beat up briefcase on Slugbait's giant red shoes. "Me say no money for today. Spent on new limited edition FONZ book 'How to be an intellectual giant in a short manager's world'. It good reading. Come with Crayons too," quipped the Orc. "I'm not here for money I'm here for advice," sniveled the manager still dangling from Slugbait's hand. Stunned Slugbait dropped the little man. No one had ever asked him for advice before. Never. There was a long silence as Slugbait's handful of neurons tried to figure what to say and the disheveled nervous manager picked himself off the dirty floorboards and got back his wind. Finally, Slugbait authoritatively stated, "Hit with big stick. When it no moves you stop." Noticing the whiskered little man's puzzled expression he added, "It always work for me. Who you?" "Um, I'm ah...I'm ah...ah...I'm Seraphim," stuttered Manager's teammate. "Oh, you work with the paper pusher, " snarled the discussed Orc. "Well, um, I wouldn't put it that way myself. After all I'm working with Manager because his is one of the preeminent presences in the game. He told me he would teach me everything he knows," replied Seraphim. "Me still say he paper pusher. Very smart paper pusher," answered Slugbait. The thinly whiskered manager took a deep breath and then started talking, "As I said before I'm here for advice. I know it is unusual to ask someone outside your alliance for advice but I've got to know. I've hear rumor that you have a secret strategy to win TOGS but every time I ask Manager he laughs and laughs." Quickly grabbing his briefcase off the giant pair of gleaming red shoes, he started digging thru the mountains of paper within before abruptly asking, "Are those clown shoes?" "Some say clown shoes but I say snappy and functional. I show you later." Seraphim returned to digging before he found a scrap of paper and yelled, "Here it is 'THE TWO ANCHOR STRATEGY'! What is it? I need to know." "How you know about TWO ANCHOR? Manager say not to tell anyone about TWO ANCHOR not even the Creepster," replied Slugbait. "Like I said, we are close. He tells me almost everything." "You not close like that sick Pimple on Butt; JGW." "Ah, no that is even to close for me," said Seraphim. "Manager, him smart. Everyone tell him everyone about warriors to 'help' with tourney predictions. But him use info to fix tourney and make big money. I know I collect from bums who no pay." "Ahhhh, Ohhhhh. I knew he was smart," moaned Seraphim. "TWO ANCHOR even better. Manager say Creepster can no win so Slugbait needs to help by throwing fights. We can not not win since everyone knows two negatives make a positive," said Slugbait. After thinking deeply Seraphim said, "If Manager says it has to work I'm going to give it a try." Just then there was a rap on the door and Slugbait said, "Quite, I show you how new shoes work." As the oaken door opened Slugbait quickly thrust out his giant red clown shoes and tripped the man who had entered. As the man fell Slugbait cracked the man on the head with his maul. "See. Shoes look good and work em good." said Slugbait as he looked down to see whom he had assaulted. "Ooops. Him Creepster. When he wake him be mad. Maybe we leave quick." + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + ----- ----- ----- Soultaker ----- ----- ----- It took a few minutes for Editor to regain her composure. Her face was still flushed and it seemed she was having a bit of a problem getting her legs to stabilize. A-Sop was trying to restore some semblance of order as the next carriage arrived. Editor pulled and adjusted her dress and took a few deep breaths. A-Sop under complete control prepared to meet the next arrival. Those closest to the two lovely ladies remarked later that A-Sop mumbled something like, "Why does it always have to be you? Why for once can't that happen to me?" Many were surprised as the next one to pull up was not a normal carriage but a white painted boxed wagon. With no doors on the side, the driver dropped down and went to the back and seemed to be fumbling with a large lock. After a few seconds the driver opened the back door and helped the occupant to the street. A huge cheer rang out from the crowd as everyone recognized their favorite leather-chewing, booger-eating, incoherent madman Creepster. Again the many signs started waving; Creepster rocks, Creepster the greatest, Crazy rules, Manager Sucks. During all the screaming the wagon continued to spit forth bodies. The next to step down was Dr. Slugbait GPMS/ENT and practicing without a license psychologist. As Slugbait moved up to Creepster's arm, the next body came into view. A tiny mousey looking individual with huge horn-rimmed glasses scampered to catch up with the two famed managers; this could only be "the scribe". Of course everyone knew that Creepster was never without his mouthpiece. "the scribe" not only translated the Creepster's gibberish, he also spouted bias stories and blatant propaganda in the fish wrapper know as the Aradi Free Press. For whatever reason the public couldn't get enough of the blathering idiot. Young and old stretched out against the ropes to touch the mental messiah. A-Sop was readily commenting on the outfits both were wearing. It seemed Creepster had decided to wear an off-white canvas straight-jacket accented with numerous chew marks and slobber stains. His pants were of a thin cotton cloth with a sewn in draw string to hold them tight. The shoes were a fashion statement of scuffed brown with the laces removed, causing the inbred imbecile to shuffle along. No outfit could be complete without proper headwear, and Creepster sported a snug fitting leather harness that had numerous hoops and snaps for a multitude of restraint options. His partner for this TOGS contest and full time crazy-sitter Slugbait walked along side Creepster steering him up the walkway. Slugbait was attired in a grayish green pull over v- neck top with matching pants. He wore a sandal like shoe that was elevated somewhat and had numerous round holes across the top. He had flowered print beanie on his head and a square mask pulled tight over his mouth. Slugbait accessorized his look with a shinny stethoscope around his neck, numerous clear rubber gloves stuffed in his back pocket, fifteen pens and pencils in his top pocket, and his pants pockets bulging with a various supply of medical equipment. Slugbait did carry a small smooth stick that was covered with teeth marks which he kept waving in front of Creepster. By the time the trio had reached the two gorgeous ladies, Editor had found her composure and asked Creepster, "It is wonderful to see you were allowed.err...able to make this dinner in honor of last years TOGS. Considering your close finish last year, how do you feel your chances are this year with a new partner?" "Yowers kapplot likkel dowersree. Ipperesta mannaggersa cerseept annn whooperses, eyeeea breedle bopper ta doppe," Creepster calmly replied. Both A-Sop and Editor stood there mystified at what was just said. "What the lord of gibberish said was. Thanks for the welcome. Without Manager holding me back, I guarantee you a win," the scribe stepped up to clarify. "Well Slugbait it seems that Creepster has a lot of confidence in you as a partner to make such a strong statement," A-Sop switched managers. "In my professional opinion, I find it hard to believe that Creepster has a enormous amount of confidence in my limited abilities. I do however feel that his limited communications with me has led me to believe that Creepster feels he can win this with a educated primate. So as to me being a contributing partner, I believe he was looking for someone to concentrate on the matches and not on how to mesmerize the masses," Slugbait answered. "Kipper roskie fasstra queepery hoowser razzmatazz lacklily oberrastel," Creepster ranted as slobber began to flow down his chin. Slugbait moved fast as he slipped the smooth wooden stick into Creepster's mouth and steered him on inside. A-Sop reached out and stopped the scribe, "What did he say before he went into convulsions?" "Basically he was venting his frustrations about all the drama and conspiracy theories that keep them from winning twice. Of course that is in my words but close enough," the scribe called back as he tried to catch up with his master. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ -- Anti-Crib Notes -- ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + The following are notes from Anti's TOGS notebook. In order to fit in the his fellow FONZ non-alliance mates Anti has compiled data in order to get an advantage over his opponents. Yeah, like that will help. Anyway here they are: Team Haunted Pasta - That Haunt guy seems to know me, but I'm pretty sure I don't know any ghosts. Ghosts are scary. Snotman says he has a lot of skeletons in his closet and that Nuln should come out of the closet, whatever that means...so maybe Nuln would know something about ghosts or skeletons or something. I should ask him. - How do you get to be a General of pasta? Something to do with eating a lot of meat balls? Sucking down wet noodles? The Paulson Army of Champions - Death Stud said their name is ironic like calling Samwise "slim" or Manager "macho." Death Stud sure knows a lot for a guy always getting chased around by a bald guy and his cat. - I think it's great that Pauly would team up with is Dad. Weird thing is though when I told that to Soultaker he asked why Pauly would team up with the mailman. Must be the senile dementia kicking in or something. Team S&M - Hmmm I wonder if Manager's team scraping the bottom of the team barrel is part of some master collusion plan. He's tricky like that. I bet he plans to lull us with ineptitude right until he unleashes his mighty fury! Or maybe he's just a blowhard. Meh. - Is S&M supposed to mean something else? Seems like it does, why else bother with that name? Maybe I should ask Ed. Or maybe not, last time I saw her she was sharpening the points on a really big mace while saying something about making "Indimar Soup." - I wonder if Seraphim ever has to stand by a pool spitting out water...seems to be a big thing amongst the cherubs. Team Killer Wedgies - Ugh, I don't want to think about how hard a wedgie would have to be to actually kill someone. - They say Mannequin is the type to really try and kill everyone his warriors fight...which seems pretty stressful. He should do what Fonz does and only really try to kill the warriors in his own non-alliance. That's normal for an alliance right? T.H.R.E.E.P.E.A.T. - Huh, I think I may have run out of short jokes. - Dang, I'm out of senile old geezer jokes too. - Bald jokes? Yep, fresh out. - Hmmm...will have to go watch "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and see if I can get some new ones. Dang it. Team Motor City Madmen - Does Hammer speak in some sort of code? I've tried to read his stuff like four times now and all I get is a nosebleed and an urge to go to the hardware store. - I wonder what happened to Street's first group of Best Buds? Not enough lotion? Team Lurocian Demons - Original name there, must have taken those two rocket surgeons three days and a team of monkeys wearing lab coats to come up with it. - I hear EMT's use Rillion dolls to train people in CPR. Heh. Team Chocolate Fudge Monkey Express - AKA "Team look at me look at ME! Without constant attention I.WILL.DIE." I like fudge though. - I kinda like "Team Pip in the Darque" too. - I think a lot of things are better with some pip. But maybe not that type. C.O.L.L.U.S.I.O.N. - I hear they went with collusion after the Creepster couldn't find a proper synonym for his other favorite word "C.O.L.O.N.O.S.C.O.P.Y." - Don't know much about this Slugbait fella, but if he's teaming with Consortium he is probably into bingo, bran intake and checking the sky to make sure it is intact and not, as some may fret over, be currently falling. - Wow, that was a long and unnecessary way of saying Creeper is old and complains a lot. I feel like Hammer now. N.U.T.S.A.C.K.Z. - With a name that mature and witty, it's a surprise Nuln hasn't used all the entry fees on "Skee-Ball." - I teamed with Snotsguy once. I also tried Pepsi Blue once. But involved puking and crying in the shower. Team Mixed Up Philosophers - Who are these guys? Are they even in the TOGS? - Oh yeah, so they are. Yep. They are in it. Yep. Sure are. Yeah baby. - I got nothing. The French Bread Connection - Not sure if I should really pick on em, pretty much everyone but that chipmunk in the back yard with the crippling back injury has kicked their behinds. And he's got his ticket and is waiting his turn. - But at least you help Manager feel better about himself. - Why did you think a french team would do well?! Team Punk in Drublic - Wow, these jokers are doing great. Too bad they'll have to lay down like a persian tiger rug for Soultaker and Death Stud soon. - Oh I get it now! The first letters of those two words are switched! HA HA HA! So I was NOT having a stroke! Yay! - Ugh, I need to just write a traditional spot and try to sneak naughty words past Ed. like everyone else. Bleh. ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ A Day in the Life of an Aradi Yokel, Part 3 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ by Rillion We interrupt this regular installment of the A Day in the Life of an Aradi Yokel to bring you this special update on an ongoing crisis at the Demon of Darkness Guildhouse. Rillion sat at his desk working his way through the stacks of Gladiatorial Commission paperwork that had accumulated during the week. In between filling out forms he would pop a deep fried scrod, hmmm, umm, how to say this without it coming out as a double entendre, spherical chunk of meat?, yeah that will do. While chewing on a deep fried spherical chunk of scrod, he came across a form that caused him to start choking the spherical chunk of scrod, it was a note from the Gladiatorial Commission Control and Compliance Group stating that Rillion and the Demons of Darkness 2 Guild was selected for an Audit. Unfortunately for Rillion last week he had set a plate of Sweet and Salty Scrod, crud, err...egg shaped pastries, on top of the note last week without reading it. So he only had an hour to prepare. In a panic he started rushing around his office gathering up all the illegally obtained information he had gotten on the warriors of the various other TOGS teams. Then took those papers and wadded them up into, argh, not again, umm, he wadded them into fist sized globe shaped objects, then threw them in the fireplace. Next he started sorting through the purchasing requisitions for his golems. He couldn't remember which ones he had gotten from a Gladiatorial Commission Accredited Golem Manufacturer and which ones he had obtained on the golem blackmarket. After a quick review of the papers he sighed a sigh of sighful relief, then cursed for all the current members of the guild were legal golems. No wonder he did not stand a chance this TOGS, his squad was not stacked with superior golems but with the cra, err, cruddy mediocre normal model golems. Well at least that was in order. Next he rushed out of his office and to the supply room. It took most of the remaining hour before the Auditors showed up to clean the supply room out of all the illegal items there. It would not do to have his team disqualified for using enchanted weapons and armor or to have the Auditors find the stash of poison. When the Auditors arrived Rillion was confident he had all the incrementing items cleaned up and would pass with flying colors. A week later then the Auditors report arrived Rillion was surprised to discover that the Gladitorial Commission Compliance and Control Group had given him a Unsatisfactory Rating. It seems that rather then be concerned about catching cheating, they had focused on the conditions under which he housed his golems. Rillion shook his head in disbelief as he vented, "Considering my golems are treated better than the Dark Arena monsters under the Commission's jurisdiction I can't believe they cited me for this. That certainly takes...." + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ "The Great Aradi Egg Hunt" ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + "What have you gotten us into this time, Samwise?" said Mannequin. He smoothed his clothing down with his furry hands. "We look ridiculous," he said. "Hey, you are the one who wanted wear the bunny rabbit costume," said Samwise. He held his arms up and flapped his wings. "I offered to let you have my baby chick costume instead and you didn't want it. It was that or the lamb costume." "No way in heck am I going to wear a lamb's costume. This is Aradi! There are some seriously sick people around here. You don't know what might happen to a guy dressed like that," said Mannequin. "All right then, let it rest," said Samwise. "OK, but I still don't know why you feel it's necessary that we wear these silly costumes for an egg hunt," said Mannequin. He reached down and picked up the ribbon- laced basket that had been sitting near his feet. "Exactly what are we supposed to do anyway?" he asked. They were standing just outside of the main gate leading into Aradi from the countryside. Rolling green hills and croplands were proof that winter had run its course and spring was in the air. The highest of Aradi's mountain peaks could be seen in the distance bathed by the morning sunlight. "The Great Aradi Egg Hunt is an ancient tradition. Its origins can be traced to a time of famine when Aradi's earliest settlers had to rely on the ocean for all their sustenance. Someone suggested they should work together to scour the countryside in search of what food they could find. In those days the island was crawling with many different species of birds who used the island as a nesting ground. So they picked a nice spring day and raided every bird's nest they could find of their eggs. This went on for many years. Eventually, there weren't enough nests left to supply enough eggs for a decent hunt. Luckily for the people of Aradi hunger wasn't an issue. Through trading, chickens had been brought in from the mainland to supply the people with eggs. The lack of natural eggs didn't end the tradition. Instead, the people chose to use chicken eggs. They hid them in the grassy fields surrounding the city and dyed them bright colors so that they would be easier to find. They made wicker baskets and decorated them with colored ribbons to carry the eggs they found. Nowadays, it's just the kids who go egg hunting. Today's hunt is differnet. It's a charity fundraiser to support children in the gladitorial community who have been orphaned." He eyed his partner, "I would think you would be interested in helping the cause, seeing as you are responsible for some of them finding themselves in the situation they are in," he said. "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about," Mannequin sniffed. "So how does this work? Do we get paid for each egg we find, or what?" he asked. Samwise pointed to a nearby field. "See where those people are gathering?", he said. "We will walk over there and join them. When everyone is ready the people organizing the hunt will give the signal to begin. The team that finds the most eggs wins and has a donation made in their names to their favorite orphanage. The team that finds the largest egg wins a golden egg trophy. It's a prestigious award. Anyone who has won it has spent years boasting of their victory." "All right, let's get this over with. I'm already getting hot and itchy," said Mannequin. The oddly dressed teammates slowly made their way to the field hosting the egg hunt. It seemed most everyone else who had been invited to participate was already there. The Greek Guy and Rillion had come prepared. They had brought a small cart with them. It was loaded with boxes and boxes of egg cartons. Snotman and Nuln came prepared, too. Snotman had brought a large potato sack and Nuln seemed to be using an extra Chaos helm (tm) as a basket. A large group of managers were gathered around Death Stud and Soultaker, who was explaining the odd looking pants he was wearing. "They look like ordinary sweatpants. But they're not. They are made from the same material as a "Bag of Holding". You would be surprised how much stuff you can stuff down your pants while you're wearing these things. The best thing is that it doesn't slow you down at all. I could shove every egg on Aradi in there and still have room for desert," he boasted. Manager was standing by himself a short distance away. There was no sign of his partner, Seraphim. He seemed to be studying a map and checking his watch, as though he were waiting for something. The Creepster and Slugbait were pacing back and forth near a line painted in the grass. There was a sense of eagerness in their eyes and they were drooling uncontrollably. Neither one of them seemed to have brought anything with them to carry eggs. "Gentlemen, may I have your attention," said the man running the contest. "At my signal, you will have half an hour to find as many eggs as you can. The team that gathers the most eggs will be recognized as this year's winner, and the team that finds the largest egg will win the golden egg trophy." He held up a flag. "On your mark, get set, GO!" he shouted and wildly waved the flag. Nearly everyone tore off into the field at high speed. Some seemed to have a plan and searched the field systematically; others ran to-and-fro between likely looking hiding spots. Mannequin stayed near the starting line; he watched his partner run willy-nilly about the field. The old saying, "Running around like a chicken with its head cut off," somehow seemed appropriate as he watched his partner Samwise. He picked up an egg here and there in between the moments he was running into people as he madly dashed he was through the field. Sighing over the stupidity of it all, Mannequin strode forward a few steps and spotted an egg lying in the grass. He placed it in his basket and walked back to the starting line. Mannequin was surprised to see Manager standing nearby watching the action. He made his way to him and said, "Why aren't you looking for eggs?" Manager grinned at him with a knowing smile. "I've got it all under control," he said. "How's that?" said Mannequin. "Finding eggs is like winning TV's--anyone can do that. Finding the biggest egg is like TCing a tourney; or winning TOGS. That's what I'm all about," he said. "Uhh, how do you plan on doing that while you're standing there?" asked Mannequin. "I've got it covered," said Manager. "I told Seraphim where he could find the largest eggs on the island. He left early this morning. He should be back any minute now." "Isn't that cheating?" said Mannequin. "No," replied Manager, "There isn't anything in the rules that says you can't do a little scouting prior to the contest as long as you don't bring the eggs with you." Mannequin shook his head. "Sounds like a loophole to me. I don't think sending your partner out to gather eggs ahead of time is keeping with the intent of the rules." "You're just saying that because you didn't think of it first," he replied. It didn't take long for the egg hunting to turn into an all out brawl. The Greek Guy and Rillion had easily gathered the most eggs. They showed tremendous teamwork as they carefully worked the field and filled their cart. Just as they seemed to near their goal of filling the cart they noticed that some of the eggs they had placed inside of it earlier were missing. As they left the cart to gather more eggs they turned back and saw Death Stud worm his way out from his hiding spot beneath the cart. He gathered as many eggs as he could carry in his short, stubby arms and ran off pell mell towards his partner, Soultaker. The Greek Guy and Rillion took off after him in hot pursuit. Screaming at the top of his lungs for help, Death Stud ran as fast as his spindly little legs could carry him. Grabbing his pants by the waistband, Soultaker pulled them open as far as he could. Death Stud jumped head first into his pants and disappeared just as Rillion was about to catch him. "Too late!" Soultaker triumphantly cried. Quick as a snake, Rillion shoved his hands down Soultaker's pants and squeezed hard. "Gotcha!" he shouted. "Leggo!" Soultaker whined as he dropped to his knees. He feebly tried to keep Rillion from rifling through his trousers in search of his missing eggs. The commotion drew everyone's attention and they gave up their search for undiscovered eggs in order to concentrate on stealing the unattended eggs of those involved in the brawl. As the free for all dragged on no one noticed Seraphim sneak through the field bearing a large backpack. He made it to the staging area just as the signal to stop the egg gathering was given. It took a few minutes for the contest organizers to separate the teams and begin the counts. The Greek Guy and Rillion were able to recover many of the eggs Death Stud had stolen. Unfortunately for them, most of their eggs were stolen by the other teams while they showed Soultaker a good time. The Creepster and Slugbait didn't have anything to show for their efforts for they ate any egg they found. In the end, there were too many teams with a similar number of eggs to declare anyone a winner. There was an exception. Manager was beside himself with excitement as he accepted the golden egg trophy for the largest egg. Seraphim had returned with an egg the size of a large pumpkin. Manager stood atop it, waving his trophy at the crowd. "It's mine, it's mine!" he cried. Alas, the theft of the giant egg had not gone unnoticed. What he didn't see was the dark form streaking at him from behind. A deafening shriek, a shower of blood and feathers, and he was gone. "Well," said someone in the crowd, "at least we won't have to listen to him remind us how he won the golden egg trophy for years to come." ****** Mannequin ************** + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + ----- ----- ----- Death Stud ----- ----- ----- "Where is everyone?" Death Stud asked his faithful assistant. "Why, the entire FONZ is here as you commanded, Master Stud." Soultaker adjusted the cape over his grotesque humpback in a none too subtle plot device designed to draw attention to his hideous, obsequious toady status. "Are you sure? This isn't the complete group, is it? I said that I wanted all of the people who were supposedly part of the Nefarious TOGS V & VI Anti-Manager Collusion Cabal." (That's NTVVAMCC for short, and you can remember it by using the handy mnemonic of Not Tiny Vessels Vorpal Ambulatory Mangled Cliftoferous Cyzbanganoids.) Soultaker grimaced and cowered at the obvious displeasure in Death Stud's voice. "But Master, all of the FONZ is here and I was not sure who else I was supposed to invite." Death Stud had to give Soultaker credit on that one and admit that it was difficult to see deep into the paranoid recesses of Manager's brain to assess what mad conspiracies he imagined all around him and what swirling schemes and plots may have involved what persons in his eyes. "Well, if we are going to earn some of his distrust and form an alli... an al..." well, you know, the word that must not be named, "if we are going to form one of those things to band together and get Seraphim out of the TOGS, we need to do it right and we must have all of the master colluders with us!" Flipping his anachronistically annoying cell phone open dramatically, Death Stud declared, "I shall query the one and only person with the clarity of mind to understand the riddle and mystery of the Nefarious TOGS V & VI Anti-Manager Collusion Cabal." He boldly selected the number from his 'speed dials' and put the phone to his ear. "Yes, Manager, 'tis I, Death Stud. I need to talk to... Why yes, I do have another phone here. What? This line isn't safe? Yes, I do have another phone I could use. OK, you're going to call me back on that line. All right then." Death Stud flipped his phone closed and went over to the hallway where the landline phone was. It rang once and he answered, "Hello again, Manager. So, as I was saying, I really need to ask you--um, yes I can call you back from another phone." Death Stud went to the kitchen and redialed the number again. "Right, Manager, so here's what I need to know..." Soultaker shifted his humpback from the left shoulder to the right and grinned slobberishly. Death Stud was feverishly taking notes from Manager and motioned for Soultaker to come hither. "So, Manager, you say that Mannequin is an accomplice and he should be here?" Death Stud turned and whispered to Soultaker to fetch Mannequin. "And Elephant, too." More motioning and whispering from Death Stud to Soultaker. "All right, is that it? Now, we have the Junior FONZ Auxiliary members here, too. Yes, that's right, Indimar and Pauly. Do they count? OK, thought so. What is that about Shaman (Farmer boB) and his partner? They don't count? Nor Anti and Flagg either? Why are those guys all being excluded? Oh. Uh-huh. All right. No, you're right. I'm sorry, settle down. Understood. It IS your fantasy after all and I guess you can exclude whoever doesn't fit your crazy, paranoid, marginally psychotic, manipulative little theories. No, you are correct, it certainly isn't my place whatsoever to question your logic. I am most certainly in the wrong. Well thank you. Yes, I will, and you too. OK, buh-bye." By the time Death Stud had hung up with the Viceroy of Villainy, somehow Elephant and Mannequin had been summoned already and the FONZ MP's were escorting Shaman (Farmer boB) and Anti out of the Nefarious TOGS V & VI Anti-Manager Collusion Cabal secret headquarters. Shaman threw back a Cartmanesque "Screw you guys, I'm going home" on his way out and was gone in a hurry, but Anti was blubbering and had thrown himself on the ground. "Wuhaaaa, I don't believe how unfair this is! I knew you guys didn't want me here anyway. MOMMY!!! Come get me, mommy, I'm out of underwear and I just hate it here!" The FONZ MP's got him by each limb and ejected him quickly from the premises. Now that Death Stud had just the core members of the NTVVAMCC Nefarious TOGS V & VI Anti-Manager Collusion Cabal, he explained his simple, yet brilliant, plan to get Seraphim out of the TOGS thereby crushing the last flicker of life from Manager's shriveled little heart and utterly destroying his spirit once and for all. "So, Seraphim is coming in on one of the frigates that are due to port next week. We all know that he's shipping in on the USS Sycophant as a seaman <Snotman turns to Nuln and snickers 'huh-huh, huh, he said seaman'> and is coming to Aradi to try to save Manager from failing at the TOGS again. Of course, we can't allow this to happen. There is no way that we are going to let Manager and some neophyte seamen <*huh-huh, huh, he said seaman*> wrest control of the TOGS from the iron-clad FONZ dominance that we have exerted with the combined might of our collusionary collusion colluders. My plan is that we go down to the Aradi docks disguised as local seaman <*huh-huh, seaman*> and intercept this truckler when he arrives. We will convince Seraphim the seaman <*huh-huh, seaman*> that he got the city wrong when he wrote it down and that his patron is ACTUALLY in Arvat. Or something like that anyway. By my thinking the actual reason given doesn't matter much as seaman <*huh-huh, seaman*> are pretty good at bootlicking and buttkissing but really aren't that smart." Death Stud looked around and noted that no one had fallen asleep yet, so he took that as a sign of their agreement and proceeded forward with his plans. "OK, Indimar and Pauly, you guys head down to the docks to intercept the USS Sycophant and turn Seraphim around when the ship comes to port and releases its seaman <*huh-huh, seaman*>. Take Mannequin with you and if Seraphim gives you any lip or doesn't seem to be buying the story, just let Mannequin take care of him. But please try not to get blood splatters all over the NTVVAMCC Nefarious TOGS V & VI Anti-Manager Collusion Cabal uniforms like you did last time, OK?" As Indimar, Pauly, and Mannequin left to execute their instructions, Death Stud leaned back in the chair, hands behind his head, and smiled to himself. He loved it when a great plan came together. Heck, with that foolproof plan, and those three in charge of making it happen, what could possibly go wrong? + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Pip's subpar spotlight #3 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + By: Pip Pip paced back and forth. "We just aren't performing well enough." Pip said to Darque, "The warriors are just missing something, I'm not sure what, but I know they are missing something." "Maybe they need sharper weapons." said Darque, "Their opponents just don't seem to go down fast enough, they need more oomph in their weapons." "Hmmmmm," thought Pip, "I did mix in that batch of dulled tourney weapons when I packed up all my junk and came over here". "I'm gonna head down to Crazey Pauly's House of weapons, and pick us up some fresh, sharp, deadly weapons," announced Pip. "Well be careful," said Darque, "Crazy Pauly has that chainsaw he uses to slash prices, and he's highly unstable." Pip walked out and headed towards Crazy Pauly's. Like most FONZ outlets, it was on the shadier side of town, filled with thugs and unkind people. Other than almost stepping in a steaming pile of FONZ doo, Pip's trip was uneventful. He walked up to the front door of the establishment, which was actually an inflateable fort. He thought, "Quite odd to use an inflatable building to sell sharp pointy things." Pip looked around a bit, but found only shoddy second hand weapons. "Hey, where's the good stuff?" asked Pip. "Right here, behind the c-c-c-counter." said Pauly, who often stuttered like a crazed fool when in the presence of greatness, which is how he got his nickname. Pip looked, and saw the finest weapon he'd ever seen. "Wow, how much for the uber scimitar there?" He asked Pauly, who was begining to drool profusely. "10,000 Aradi Dollars," answered Pauly. "Wow, that's a little steep." said Pip. "Well it is a fine weapon, you need to pay for the good stuff," answered Pauly. "Can you cut me a deal on it?" asked Pip. "No way, its already barely above my price." answered Pauly. Pip looked around for a minute and thought it over, while checking out some of the other merchandise. "How much for the burglary tools?" asked Pip, pointing to a nice set of burglary tools. "Those there, they are 300 Aradi Dollars." answered Pauly, "The finest tools for breaking and entering ever made." "All right, sold." Said Pip, and pulled out his wad of cash, and paid Pauly. "Thank you, come again." Said Pauly. "Oh, I will," said Pip, "What time do you close?" "At about 9 o'clock," answered Pauly. "Excellent," said Pip, "Thank you very much." Pip walked back to the office, and put the tools down on his desk. "Those are funny looking weapons," said Darque, "Are these gladitorial commision approved?" "Those aren't the weapons," answered Pip. "I have to go pick them up later." "When?" asked Darque, "The fights are tommorow." "Right after he leaves...er I mean around 10," answered Pip. Definately not to be continued............. Bonus little known TOGS fact: Manager won the first TOGs. I think. Or was it the second? Someone refresh my memory. Been so long since he's been relevant in a TOGS I just can't remember. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + ----- ----- ----- Death Stud ----- ----- ----- A couple of notes about last turn as well as the TOGS totals so far and last turn's fight. I noticed that we had three down challenges, all of the smallish variety. Two of the down challengers lost, so I thought that was interesting. A down-challenge only makes sense if you win it! Down 1, THE AFRICAN QUEEN was vanquished by MCSCROD in a 1 minute Bloodfeud. Down 1, ZIG-ZAG MAN was defeated by TIGER TY in a 2 minute veteran's Challenge. Down 4, POKE IN THE I demolished LEATHAM in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge. We also have a couple of even challenges coming from Sha'londa, Jayson Dade, and Overtime. Definitely a strategy that can have some use, but always tough to limit yourself to 7 points if you win. Note a change this TOGS in scoring how challenges to the DM are scored. In previous TOGS, I scored strictly by points, which means if a warrior had more points than the DM, it was technically scored as a down challenge. With the extra 10 points that we issued previously, it was kind of a non-issue, especially because it is not a common circumstance. But when it came up last time out, there were a lot of people who said that as far as they were concerned a challenge to the DM was ALWAYS an up challenge no matter what. I can see where people are coming from on that, but didn't change it last year to avoid a mid-stream change. This year and moving forward, challenges to the DM will always be scored as an up challenge. I am happy that the first warrior affected by this was not mine since I forgot to bring it up earlier. There were NO challenges into the TOGS by non-TOGS teams after we had a couple the first turn, so I want to officially thank all the teams that are not participating in the TOGS for being respectful of the contest. I know that it can be tough to find challenges, and we sincerely thank you for not challenging into the contest. And there were was only one matchup between managers on the same team this turn after having quite a large number last turn. Unfortunately it was between Soultaker and myself for the second turn in a row. It totally sucks, even if you do get 4 points for it now, so I'm happy (kinda) that it didn't happen to anyone else. I must point out that Manager went ultra-sneaky this turn. After killing Soultaker's warrior in turn one with Pesmerga, he not only ducked four turns of potential bloodfeud by replacing Pesmerga with his warrior back from the tourney of the dead, but he got RSI to remove the warrior from the team without having to take the hit by DAing the warrior. I must say that is a move that even Death Stud can be proud of and I want to salute Manager for having being so willing to throw his morals to the curb to stick it to someone else and to eek out a few more points to give himself a better chance at competing. Now the truly humorous part about this is that you normally have to wait for Karma to get back at someone, but not in this case. Karma reached out and smote Manager in the VERY SAME TURN he pulled his trick by erasing his partner Seraphim entirely for the turn with no fights, no spotlight, and no ads. Ah, that is delicioso. (And Manager, I do hope that Seraphim can participate as fully as he can and that you stick around. As much crap as you get [and deserve], and as much crap as you start, it just wouldn't be the same without you.) And Mannequin got his first kill of the TOGS this time out, so I just want to say, "What took you so damned long?" Have a good one out this time out. May all the teams above us crash and burn miserably! --Death Stud T437 TOGS totals TOTAL Turn 2 Turn 2 Turn 2 TEAM POINTS Fights Spots Ads --------- ------------------------------------- ----------------- ------ ------ TEAM 8 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 133 58 10 Punk in Drublic Hombre (Dreamtime) & Elephant (GenX Perfect Hits) TEAM 10 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 126 55 5 Killer Wedgies Mannequin (Fruit of the Loom) & Samwise (Childhood Trauma) TEAM 5 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 116 57 10 Lurocian Demons The Greek Guy (Lurocians T308) & Rillion (Demons of Darkness 2) TEAM 7 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 113 45 10 THREEPEAT Death Stud (Death Studs VII) & Soultaker (Eloquent Knights) TEAM 2 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 101 46 10 COLLUSION Slugbait (The Eyes Have It) & Creepster (Crazy Creeps) TEAM 4 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 92 38 10 -5 Chocolate Fudge Monkey Express Pip the Troll (Hit Me With...) & Master Darque (Devil's Workshop) TEAM 3 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 83 28 10 The Paulson Army of Champions Indimar (Wing Hove) & Pauly (The Bunkhouse) TEAM 13 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 80 38 10 Team Monkey FIST Flagg (My Present) & Anti (TPW Forever) TEAM 12 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 77 21 5 -5 Team S&M Seraphim (Villainous Legion) & Manager (Superior Forces 1601) TEAM 11 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 75 42 10 Haunted Pasta General Ironcide (Pastafarians) & Haunt (Pure Evil) TEAM 1 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 72 14 10 NUTSACKZ Snotman (Wild Cards) & Nuln (400 Blows) TEAM 6 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 69 21 10 Motor City Madmen Street Legal (My Best Buds 2) & Hammer (No Hammer Hammerz) TEAM 14 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 68 25 10 Mixed Up Philosophers TigToad (Greco-Roman) & Zalgor Prigg (CLNGE) TEAM 9 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > 44 24 10 The French Bread Connection SwineTiger (House of Grain) & LePentarque (La Boulange) =============================================================================== WARRIOR: WARRIOR: WINNER: PNTS: -- TEAM 1 -- NUTSACKZ THE AFRICAN QUEEN was vanquished by MCSCROD TEAM 1 7 HARD CIDER slaughtered ARCHIMEDES TEAM 1 7 -TOTAL: 14 -- TEAM 2 -- COLLUSION THE RIDDLER overpowered WEEZY DANG TEAM 2 10 SHEEPY THOMPSON was outwaited by PRIVATE EYE TEAM 2 7 SHA'LONDA was vanquished by EVIL AYE TEAM 2 7 POKE IN THE I demolished LEATHAM TEAM 2 4 MORGAN LEAH was narrowly killed by MISS PIGGY TEAM 2 7 WHITE WITCH viciously subdued HOFFA TEAM 2 4 IJEOOGI was unbelievably bested bySENTINEL TEAM 2 7 -TOTAL: 46 -- TEAM 3 -- The Paulson Army of Champions ZIG-ZAG MAN was defeated by TIGER TY TEAM 3 7 ZOMBIELUST was overpowered by WEKA DART TEAM 3 7 PANAMON bested CHONDROMALACIA TEAM 3 7 JOHNNY FOURHOOVES viciously subdued PINK I TEAM 3 7 -TOTAL: 28 -- TEAM 4 -- Chocolate Fudge Monkey Express I OWN INDIMAR lost to FLICKED BOOGERS TEAM 4 7 SHMEGMA vanquished FEZ TEAM 4 10 GUNPOWDER defeated GHNSGFI TEAM 4 7 IICERGS lost to HOLOCAUST TEAM 4 7 LUCKY CHARMS won victory over TAKE ANOTHER SHOT TEAM 4 7 -TOTAL: 38 -- TEAM 5 -- Lurocian Demons VENREK slimly won victory oveJACK THE RIPPER TEAM 5 10 TYVEK overpowered AIMLESS TEAM 5 10 DOUBLE D was overpowered by GAZREK TEAM 5 7 VENGRAZ overpowered KELLY FABULOUS TEAM 5 10 DARIUS savagely defeated I EYE TEAM 5 10 JOHNNY unbelievably bested PICK OF DESTINY TEAM 5 10 -TOTAL: 57 -- TEAM 6 -- Motor City Madmen PEACH FUZZ was overcome by HAWAIIAN KONA TEAM 6 7 TEMPE FACER SCROD subdued LOST BREAD TEAM 6 7 SCARLET ABATTOIR overpowered ARISTOTLE TEAM 6 7 -TOTAL: 21 -- TEAM 7 -- THREE-PEAT DUNNO was handily defeated by WRATH LIX TEAM 7 7 HOWLER XIII handily defeated MONKEY PAW TEAM 7 10 ACIDULOUS unbelievably bested RESPECT THE PACKAGE TEAM 7 10 LOKI IX was overpowered by ODALISQUE TEAM 7 4 RETRIBUTION XXIX won victory over BUSTED NUTS TEAM 7 7 FGGMOGO was defeated by HARUSPEX TEAM 7 7 -TOTAL: 45 -- TEAM 8 -- Punk in Drublic DAY BY DAY devastated WARM PIRATE TEAM 8 10 SPIRITWALKER beat VIKI TEAM 8 10 DEAD ALIVE was vanquished by WILD YOUTH TEAM 8 7 EDIE defeated CHALLAH POINT TEAM 8 10 CRUCIFIED was handily defeated by SISTER MOON TEAM 8 7 STAR defeated BLACK DEATH TEAM 8 7 LUC was beaten by KING ROCKER TEAM 8 7 -TOTAL: 58 -- TEAM 9 -- The French Bread Connection L'APPRENTI overpowered BEAST XVII TEAM 9 10 EQUIPOLLENT was overpowered by MAITRE BOULANGER TEAM 9 7 SCORN BREAD bested READY, STEADY, GO TEAM 9 7 -TOTAL: 24 -- TEAM 10 -- Killer Wedgies BURNT OFFERINGS overpowered EDWARD KINGSLEY TEAM 10 10 B.C. GOLD was demolished by COCO NUTS TEAM 10 7 STITCHES handily defeated PAR TEAM 10 10 TWIG overpowered TAXMAN TEAM 10 10 100 PUNKS was demolished by BOY GEORGE TEAM 10 7 911 handily defeated 3D'S NOT L33T TEAM 10 7 PLUM subdued HAPPY PEASANT TEAM 10 4 -TOTAL: 55 -- TEAM 11 -- Haunted Pasta OVERTIME unbelievably bested WILD FLOWER TEAM 11 7 SHAUN OF THE DEAD was murdered by THE EX TEAM 11 7 MASTER EXPLODER was handily defeated by FUSILLI JERRY TEAM 11 7 TOWEL BOY was vanquished by VENGANZA TEAM 11 7 SHRIVELLED PRUNE was beaten by NYSTERIOUS WAYS TEAM 11 7 PAPERCUT assassinated GERR TEAM 11 7 -TOTAL: 42 -- TEAM 12 -- Team S&M PERFECT SNOTLING handily defeated SUGAR TEAM 12 10 SUNSHINE handily defeated HENDRICK TEAM 12 4 RYEHARD was handily defeated by STORM FIRE TEAM 12 7 -TOTAL: 21 -- TEAM 13 -- Team Monkey FIST SETH DRAVEN devastated LE FOURNER TEAM 13 10 JAYSON DAYDE beat ICE CREAM SOLDIER TEAM 13 7 TIFFERS savagely defeated NIAGARA FALLS TEAM 13 10 YELLOW JACKET was demolished by ALLAN JOHNSON TEAM 13 4 T MARIE demolished NOODLY APPENDIX TEAM 13 7 -TOTAL: 38 -- TEAM 14 -- Mixed Up Philosophers SHAMIKA slimly lost to SOCRATES TEAM 14 7 GILMMAO subdued DOUBLE CHOCOLAINE TEAM 14 7 JONES was vanquished by GALILEO TEAM 14 4 MANHATTAN PROJECT was unbelievably bested byPLATO TEAM 14 7 -TOTAL: 25 + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + ----- ----- ----- [Hammer] ----- ----- ----- An Alternate Reality Stimulation TOGS Special Edition Number Three A Motor City MadMen Manuscript by Hammer the WordSmith Our story continues as Hammered made his way very cautiously into the Hockey Clown Cafe as the veteran manager searched the premises for the Devolve manager known far and wide in the All Starry Eyed realm as Street Lethal. All around the walls of the Hockey Clown Cafe were to be found countless memorabilia exalting the accomplishments of the mighty Dread Wings who were adored by the populace and masses of Fort Adroit and the surrounding ruffian countryside. As Hammered surveyed the surroundings and the variety of clientele patronizing the Hockey Clown Cafe, a familiar commotion was heard at one of the back tables with Street Lethal right in the middle of the action! Sure enough, Street Lethal was shouting and pontificating the virtues of his beloved Dread Wings and lack thereof of one of his most hated ice opponents! Clad in a spike studded black leather jacket with bicycle chains and wearing a hubcap helm, the Devolve manager known far and wide in the All Starry Eyed realm as Street Lethal was furiously waving his arms in every direction possible while spewing forth poisonous barbs in response to one of the doubters who had little faith in the Dread Wings chances for capturing the ice battle crown in the rounds following the regular season. Hammered was quite amused as usual as the veteran manager pulled up a chair at the table where Street Lethal was drinking round after round of Bitter Root Beer. As soon as Street Lethal had calmed down enough to realize that Hammered had seated himself at his table, greetings were enthusiastically exchanged and the obvious question was asked as to why the veteran manager known throughout the All Starry Eyed realm as Hammered had found his way to Fort Adroit and specifically the Hockey Clown Cafe. "I understand you have had some problems with the Gladiatorial Commission," Hammered grinned as Street Lethal scowled at the mention of the name. "I came here seeking you specifically as a partner for the Tournament of the Silver Goat in the All Righty Arena." Street Lethal just glared as he pounded the table to be served another round of Bitter Root Beer. He was still steaming from the comments about his beloved Dread Wings possibly choking in the tournament at the end of the regular season. "I took the liberty of having some gold coins delivered to the GC so you could register your team for the TOSG competition," Hammered continued with a wry smile. "Plus all the registration fees have been paid in advance to the TOSG sponsors for the prize coffers!" "What makes you think I even want to bother with another contest," replied Street Lethal after a long silence. "The GC are refusing to answer my requests for the prize bonuses from the last contest we participated in where you and I and some others won some enhancements for our gladiators in the Tarter Arena. Besides, some managers want your head for challenging one of the warriors from your own contest alliance!" Hammered acknowledged the fact that he had indeed sent a challenge from his Ripper to another Ripper in the same alliance on a down challenge because the downchallenged Ripper had entered the contest later and picked up some wins against a couple other Rippers [including one of Street Lethal's Rippers!] that were out of reach for Hammered to challenge. When the new Ripper was within challenging distance Hammered had decided to see which Ripper was the best of the two, knowing the winner would claim the style prize. Fortunately the Hammered Ripper emerged victorious! Unfortunately the GC was claiming no paperwork was filed by the contest sponsor declaring the winners and therefore no enhancement prizes were authorized for distribution at the present time. Hammered was content knowing that his Ripper was the best Ripper in the contest and Street Lethal was amused at all the uproar among the managers who thought that fights between same styles should be confined to either challenging the Devolves or Adorables. God forbid a Freebie should challenge another Freebie! This Devolve action from a well known Freebie manager such as Hammered was quite enough for Street Lethal to consider the possibility of partnering with Hammered for the TOSG competition, but there was not quite enough motivation for Street Lethal to agree to come out of hiding at the Hockey Clown Cafe to participate in yet another contest. Hammered slid a parchment listing the registered managers who were partnered for the TOSG competition, noting that Hammered and Street Lethal were already included in the registration for the big event. Street Lethal sipped thoughtfully at his Bitter Root Beer as he studied the roster of registered managers who were confirmed for the TOSG contest registration roll call. Haunted Crowe and Marshall Cyanide Insofar and Pauletta Mongrel Dogg and Sear Flame ManKiller and Samiche Death Spud and Soul Faker Hammered and Street Lethal Riled One and The Greek Gut Troll Pipe and Master Dank The Crazy Crapster and SluggButt Snotmaniac and Nulmb Aunti and Fragg Fig Frog and Zagnut Prune Swamp Basher and Pentup Anger Awnrey and EllaPunk "Quite a collection of riff raff," noted Street Lethal as he was about to take a long drink from his Bitter Root Beer mug, "but why should I even bother to mix it up with Soul Faker and Master Dank after all the grief they have caused me in the past?" "Well you know that Soul Faker is Soul Faker and that should be motivation enough for one such as yourself," answered Hammer as Street Lethal inhaled a long draught of Bitter Root Beer from his skull mug. "As for Master Dank..." Hammered paused for the greatest effect as Street Lethal continued consuming his Bitter Root Beer brew, "I heard that he is wagering a small fortune that his favorite Rabble Ranch team will fare far better than our Dread Wings beyond the regular season!" Hammered barely got out of the way in time as Street Lethal spewed forth his Bitter Root Beer in a furious display of ranting and raving unlike Hammered had ever witnessed before! "I take that as a 'Yes I Would Be Glad to Partner with You in the TOSG Competition!'" howled Hammered as Street Lethal continued to rant and rave for another 45 minutes in the confines of the Hockey Clown Cafe that was undoubtedly heard by the Dread Wings faithful throughout Fort Adroit and the outlying regions as the unfortunate eye witnesses told astonishing tales of what had nearly befallen them as they fled the Hockey Clown Cafe for fear of their very lives! "May Your Blades Be Sharp and Your Wits Sharper!" Hammer Minister of War Abattoir Scarlet Knight Order of Lost Souls Aradi Antagonist TOGS Tuffie + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Friday Night Lights ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + Part 3 By: The Greek Guy The sparring session, if you can even call it that, was over quickly. Pauly was truly inept using a sword. His first attack missed so badly that he lost his balance and fell down. The Greek Guy wasted little time in disarming him, after giving him a solid blow to his head. "If that's the best you can do Pauly you might want to consider joining Manager as a mascot for the team." The Greek Guy chided. Pauly looked dejected as his did his father. Pauly burst into tears and ran out of the practice arena with his dad close behind. The Greek Guy walked back over to his friends who were waiting and smiling. "Now that wasn't very nice of you." Soultaker said with a wry smile. "Hey, better he learn now he can't fight, then sometime when his life is on the line." The Greek Guy said in a serious tone. Tryouts went as planned. Most of The Greek Guy's friends from last year made the team. The only one not to make it was Sentinel. Everyone heard him arguing with the coach after practice. The only thing he heard clearly was that The Sentinel had been accused of cheating. Apparently the Sentinel had a twin brother, which was known, and had been letting him fight some of the fights so he could rest, which was not known. Obviously having two guys fight as the same person is not allowed. "Sentinel, why'd you do something so dumb?" Rillion asked. "It was just an error. I was sick one day and my brother just offered to take my place. So I let him." The Sentinel replied. Everyone in the group forgave him eventually. Though he was never quite let off the hook by his friends, who always gave him a hard time whenever the time seemed right. And honestly the time always seemed right. The team for this year consisted of Rillion, TigToad, Samwise, The Greek Guy, Soultaker, Zalgor, Snotman, Pip, Seraphim, and a new recruit Swinetiger. While Swinetiger's obese friend Le Pentarque did not even come close to making the team, Swinetiger did show some promise. Of course Manager was the team Mascot again, mainly because no one else tried out. The Mascot was not a very popular job, basically only a person who had no chance at ever being a gladiator would consider it and that fit Manager perfectly. The next week at school was much different than the first week. All the school was abuzz with the thought of the first gladiator contest of the year. The first match would be Friday, under the torch lights at Aradi stadium. The practices that week were brutal. Phido was a perfectionist and hated, I mean hated with a passion to lose. It was late afternoon on Wednesday and the practice was not going well. "Swinetiger, you idiot!" Phido yelled. "Yes Sir." Swinetiger responded meekly. "What style are you training in right now?" Phido asked. "Um, Parry Riposte Sir. My dad--" Swinetiger tried to say. "I don't give a rat's behind what your dad says about anything. You do realize to be a parry riposte you have to parry something don't ya?" Phido screamed. "Yes sir." Swinetiger responded. "Then do it or so help me you'll be shoveling camel dung for a week in the stables." Phido spat. The Greek Guy looked over at Rillion. "Man I missed this over the summer." The Greek Guy said with a smile. To be continued + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Zalgor in Neverland ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + We join Zalgor Prigg living with a friend outside Dal Shang, beginning to date the perfect woman...or so it seems to Zalgor. Zalgor originally decided to move in with Pantini because they were both single dads and the kids could play together, they could trade watching the kids, you know kinda like being half a single parent and half single. Well Pantini and his son were a little wild and at the same time clean freaks. This did not bother Zalgor and his son much, well at least the clean freak part...Zalgor's son, Roberto Leatham, although 2 years older than Pantini's son got really tired of being tossed around and beat up on (I hear it's done wonders for his training though, we will see in the next tourney). It is during this time that Zalgor discovers Rebina, who he has known for over a year but never really paid attention to until now. Rebina loves kids and Roberto Leatham is such a great kid that she starts inviting Zalgor over to swim, have lunch, etc. Zalgor naturally loves that not only does this woman seem well adjusted and happy, but she interacts well with Roberto Leatham. Time passes and Zalgor is now trying to get closer to Rebina, but she does not let him kiss her. She does this in obvious ways but without being in the least stand offish which makes Zalgor continue trying. One weekend after serving the people together they go back to Zalgor's room at Pantini's place and it happens...they kiss, once...twice...three times, who could count by the time they were done. It was wonderful and everything seemed to be working out for them both. The very next weekend an incident which seemed innocent enough would come back and haunt Zalgor. After a morning of service, Zalgor and Rebina were about to leave when Pantini...who often took advantage of the services provided at the center but rarely ever did any work himself...spoke to Rebina about something Zalgor could not quite hear. Rebina exploded at Pantini, telling him something like, people in glass houses should not throw stones...but she was much more colorful in her language. Rebina left the area and Pantini came up to Zalgor and said, "You should be careful, how a woman treats your friends is how she is going to treat you some day." Pantini was not a person most reasonable people took advice on things, especially relationships, from and Zalgor was already too entranced to have listened even were he a local Arenamaster... so the words went unheeded. Shortly thereafter to give Zalgor the freedom to move to a better place, Rebina offered to let Roberto Leatham move in with her and her son, Tir Jaines. Zalgor took the offer as it really meant he would be keeping a place to sleep and living with Rebina and his son. The week after his son moved in, Zalgor proposed marriage to Rebina at a moderate gathering of friends during a fall holiday. It was a beautiful day and everyone was smiling and happy, the wind was cool and the proposal accepted. It was the height of the relationship...though Zalgor thought it was just starting to get good at this point. That night the relationship got clumsily intimate, which made a poor ending to a beautiful day...turns out it was an omen of things to come. So we leave Zalgor on the night of his engagement, the day magical...the night clumsy...the future much less certain than our naove Zalgor would let himself believe. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ House of Grain Chronicles ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + Chapter 3: Pip Him A New One As SwineTiger relaxed in the local Scrodbucks with the Aradi newsletter, he put his feet up on Nuln's back who was busy licking the floor (he claimed he had lost a bet, yet nobody else was around. How very odd.) In any case, SwineTiger decided to try and ignore the tongue-on-dung-stained linoleum licking sound and set into his newsletter reading routine. Of course, like most managers, "reading" meant scanning the articles for mentions of himself or his team, setting aside The Greek Guys' column for lining the litter box and completely skipping Hammer's contribution and anything involving the Creepster. Let the TOGS judges suffer through those literary equivalents to the dark arena, he thought. Finally his name appeared. Some troll named Pip had used a lot of big words to poke fun at him, so it was time to convene a team meeting. "Okay guys, here's the situation. This Pipsmear guy devoted an entire article to dissing the managers of TOGS, and that's just plain wrong. More importantly, he called us something I can't pronounce, so it's payback time. Any ideas?" "How about, he's so ugly, an extreme makeover would require a full season followed by an apology and a refund," said Scorn Bread. Naan chimed in. "He looks like he's taken more blows to the face than JGW has to the mouth?" "Wait, I got one. If looks could kill, he'd be Mannequin." "Oh, that's rich," said Challah. "What's the difference between Pip and a dead hobo that drowned in a puddle of vomit? One of them smells like soiled diapers and a rat carcass that's been stuffed with rotten eggs and the other is a dead hobo." "I can beat that," said Ryehard. "How many Pips does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, as long as Master Darque continues to let him lick it when he...." "But do we really want to get him that upset," interrupted SwineTiger with a smirk. "Let's not go that path and stick to a road less traveled, literally and figuratively. If you don't know what I mean, just follow Rillion to the Aradi park at night." "How about, how do you get Pip to sleep with a wart-encrusted and plague- infested shrew? Tell her she can wear a blindfold!" "I thought you were going to just say, tell him it's time for bed." "That's enough," The Bunisher cut in. "I guess I have to be the only one to defend Pip. The other day, I heard someone say he wasn't fit to sleep with the pigs, and I said he was." There was a collective boo from the Grain members. "For what it's worth, I read Pip's columns every month," said Challah. "Granted, it's hard to concentrate on them since one of my hands has to hold the gun to my head." On that note, SwineTiger lead his pack out of the cafe to discuss fight preparation. After all, his dad used to say that the pen is only mightier than the sword if it's taped to a halberd. He also used to say, never shower in The Bunkhouse or let Samwise breathe on your flowers, but those are stories for another time. "I have an idea," said Scorn. "I was spying on one of the other teams and saw them practicing lunge tactics with a maul. Maybe we should try that? We couldn't do any worse." "Maybe we should try a club or a mace," Ryehard chimed in. Challah looked confused. "Aren't a club and mace basically the same thing?" "Hardly," said Swinetiger in a sarcastic tone. "Not knowing the difference between a club and mace is like not knowing the difference between burgundy and maroon. Um wait, which one is eggplant?" Everyone's eyes darted away, either not wanting to field the question or because none of them could find the head's to their horses that had been tied up outside the Scrodbucks. "Great, what are we going to do with all of these carcasses?" Pondered Challah. "We can flatten and frame the rears and sell them as portraits. The tough part will be getting Pip to sign them." + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ 4000 Blows ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + The Revenge of the Son of Mannequin <Aradi, several days ago> High atop Black Skull Peak, perched on the precariously steep Cliff of Dread just and just north of Murderer's Chasm (which incidentally was only a few clicks south of Fuzzy Bunny Pond), stood a brooding and foreboding structure known to the fearful citizens of Aradi only as Castle Death (tho' not presently trademarked). It was perhaps the second grimmest place in all of Alastari, the first being a Walscrod's the morning after Scrodmas. Here, of course, resided the first grimmest man in all of Alastari, who had been contemplating moving his hq to a Walscrods, but who hadn't made up his mind at the moment. That man, of course, was Mannequin. "Fetch me...THE GREEK GUY!" bellowed Mannequin to one of the countless hordes of eunuchs who mindlessly (and crotchlessly) served him at Castle Death. "And be quick!" Mannequin shifted impatiently in his throne, which was built out of the skulls and hearts of his countless victims. All the hearts had of course since rotted and putrified, but none of the eunuchs had the stones, naturally, to inform their bloodthirsty master of this fact. On a smaller, similarly fashioned high-chair to his right sat (no, not Death Stud) Mannequin Jr., heir to his father's mighty kingdom. <we cut to a few agonizing seconds later> The prone, manacled form of the Greek Guy was dragged before the Warlord of Death by a pair of expressionless eunuchs, tossing the beleaguered BoB manager at the feet of Mannequin. "Wh-wh-what...wh-what's going on?" mumbled the Greek Guy in a fearful tone, knowing that an appearance in a spotlight other than his own or Rillion's did not at all bode well for him. "Ba ba!" exclaimed Mannequin Jr. with venom, banging his spoon (which was fashioned from the skull cap of particularly vicious rat) on the tray (fashioned out of a tray) in front of him. "Yes, yeeees! I like the way you think, son!" Smiled Mannequin evilly in return, then throwing his head back, he laughed the laugh of a conscienceless man. "This will be priceless!" The Greek Guy stared incredulously yet terror-stricken at the odd exchange between father and son, a river of sweat now rushing down the back of neck. The pimples along the back of The Greek Guy's neck turned the sweat river into a sweat rapids, and millions of microscopic organisms perished in its harsh eddies. "Wa wa!" hissed Mannequin Jr., pointing with his spoon at the Greek Guy's jugular vein, then making a definite slicing motion with his other hand. "Oh ho ho!" chuckled Mannequin, brimming with pride, "Aren't you a clever little one, I would never have thought of that! Somebody's getting an extra bowl of ice- cream tonight!" <we cut to a few agonizing minutes later> As the eviscerated corpse of the Greek Guy was wheeled out (after father and son had a long gloat session over his bloody remains), Mannequin and Mannequin Jr. eyed each other from their respective seats of power, each glowing with the joy of a father-son moment experienced all too vividly. "Now *that* was fun." said Mannequin, looking at his son with obvious pride. "We should do that more often, you know? Now lets get you into your peejays..." "Nuh nuh." said Mannequin Jr., his expression turning dark and a scowl coming over his lips. "Nuh nuh!" "Yes, I know, I know," replied Mannequin, "I mean, how could I forget?" "Nuh nuh!!!" repeated Mannequin Jr., his voice rising in anger. "I see you haven't forgotten either, my son." Said Mannequin raising an eyebrow, his fatherly pride swelling again. "Or, more importantly, forgiven. You learn quickly, my son." "NUH NUH!!!!" screamed Mannequin Jr., his terrifying voice echoing throughout the cavernous halls of Castle Death. "NUH NUH!!!" "I think, perhaps, we need a reminder of this one who has wronged us, my son." Said Mannequin, tapping a rotted heart on the end of his arm-rest thoughtfully. "Something to further instill your young heart with further amounts of vengeance to carry out your task with the further yet proper amount of bloodiness. Eunuchs! Bring out 'the Corpse!'" As Mannequin Jr. quietly seethed in his high-chair, the sound of wheels-on- basalt was faintly heard approaching the throne room. Finally a quartet of stereotypically muscle-bound eunuchs entered the room pushing a wooden casket on wheels, the type of casket that the G.C. typically provided for fallen warriors at a sponsored tournament. The head end of the casket had been propped up on wooden struts, making the corpse more readily viewed. As the casket and its inhabitant were brought ever closer to Mannequin and his son, the younger's face grew more and more beet red, and several youthful blood vessels appeared to rupture. "Yes, my son, yes! Feel deeply, so deeply, the exquisite pain of your loss!" said Mannequin in a low, soothing tone. "Now channel that rage, my son, channel it into a perfect plan for....DEATH!!!!" Both father and son at this point threw back their heads and laughed the laugh of a conscienceless man/child, then they turned somberly back to the corpse in the coffin. A shiny lacquer covered its body to preserve its precariously composed state. Even a casual glance from a not-so-experienced manager at the dead warrior would have revealed the once living man's exceptional credentials. If not a size 4'11" the man was very close indeed, and by the way his cold hand still held its weapon, you could tell he had around an 11 deftness. And of course, the t-shirt he wore which read "I'm a double 21 god, who the hell are you?" was a dead giveaway to certain other attributes. If one looked closely, they might have noticed the G.C. processing tag that was still stuck on his toe, that read: "Grand tournament XL Class: Rookies Turn: 1 -- D.O.A." "He was so...." Mannequin held back a tear, and swallowed hard. "Perfect." <to be continued...> + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Dreamtime ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + "So, you nervous?" asked Snotman to his best and only, and dare I say, dashingly dressed friend. "Noeth, noteth ateth alleth! Whyeth doeth youeth asketh?" Replied the Chaos Lord, working in front of his magic mirror, straightening his tie. "It's just that, well, your speech impediment has gotten a little worse in the last hour or so, and I was thinking that maybe you were nervous about your blind date?" "IETH AMETH THEETH CHAOSETH LORDETH!! IETH DONTETH GETETH NERVOUSETH!!!" The chaos lord shouted back at the recently dead pile of goo. "Noweth Husheth, Ieth haveeth toeth consulteth witheth theeth chaoseth mirroreth...whateth iseth thateth?" "Drink this" Snotman handed Nuln a full shotglass. "It's called Brass Team Monkey Fist, and should help." The Chaos Lord drank quickly, "smoooooth..." coughed the Chaos Lord. "OK, here goes... Mirror Mirror on the wall... Who's the fairest one of all?" The Mirror shimmered with brilliant light and began to speak: "Why it's Homb.." Before the Mirror could finish the Chaos Mace crashed through the center of the glass and silenced the once magical device. "I told you not to buy that." quipped Snotman "Shut up. it was magic." "But it was a garage sale..." "Shu--" Nuln's witty come back was cut short by the loud knocking of his loud knockers. "She's here!" yelled Snotman with glee. "How do I look?" "good" "You didnt even look? Seriously, does my butt look big in this suit of plate?" "Yes." "Sweeteth, I'm off then," Nuln galloped to the front door and quickly pulled it open. There he saw, well... uh.. something. "Yo, I'm Pippy." the visitor stated in a gruff voice, and soon followed with a long puff on a cigar. "Oh, as in Longstocking, I see, cuz of the red ponytails you have?" "Well, If you say so, I don't really know who that is, and it's more like Pippy the Troll, but whatever floats your boat. So, you ready for this?" Pippy asked. "Uhm, well I guess so, where do you want to go?" "How's Scrodbucks sound?" "Well, it's kinda public dont you think?" asked the Chaos Lord. "I guess we can go inside then, but I must warn you, I'm not that kind of girl," Pippy stated before pulling out a spitoon and making it ring with deadly accuracy and power. "So Scrodbucks it is then!" shouted Nuln and quickly closed the door behind him. The two large figures sat an out of the way table after ordering their drinks and began their date. "So..." "Yeah, so..." "How's your scrodacino?" Pippy asked Nuln. "uhm, greateth, yours?" "Hot and soothing, just like your ey--" Just then there was a sickening thud and and Pippy the Troll lurched forward onto the table. Snotman stood behind the beastly thing with Nuln's Chaos Mace. "What took you so long?" asked an impatient Nuln. "Never mind, did you bring what I asked?" "You bethca!" Snotman reached into his pack and brought out 2 plastic Sporks and the two of them began to dig into Pippy's brain for a hearty meal. "Does it taste a little ashy to you?" asked Snotman. "Aye, very ashy." Across the street, at the other Scrodbucks, an angry but nevertheless handsomly lip-enlarged Hombre lifted his chalkboard and slashed a 1 under the Nuln/Snotman heading, then glanced over at the 0 under his own name. He began to weep. -- Hombre + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + Wing Hove and The Bunkhouse Honor the memory of Lloyd E. Paulson 1/6/1925 to 3/17/2008 A true warrior. DUELMASTER'S COLUMN Notes from the arena champ. Whoa, now! Just because I am duelmaster is no reason that I should spout my mouth off. No way. I ain't giving out no clues as to what I mighta done. Nope. You wanna investigate me up close, you gotta come 'n git me. Yup. I will say this TOGS thing is mighty innerestin'. It is. I think TOGS stands for Throats Of Girl Squeeze, or something like that. I do. Or maybe Throats Of Gals Slice? I like some of the things I learn in TOGS. Like nut sacks. I've been lookin' for one, but every single gal I do (wink), they don't seem to have one I can take with me. I wonder what that means? Hey, now. Come and get me. See if you can take this crown away. I hope Sunshine gets through. I understand that Superior Forces needs the points badly. (What's new?) The Riddler (acting like Jack The Ripper) (What a riddle?) SPY REPORT It's me, The Unknown Spymaster, back to give you this week's Spy Report. Sit back in your seats and we'll have more fun than a barrel of Zontanis. Say good-bye to ELOQUENT KNIGHTS, as they are pushed from the coveted top team spot by the CHILDHOOD TRAUMA stable. Take a look at WILD CARDS' act, as they have a 3-1-0 week and gain 12 places in the team ranking. Rising in the ranks like a loaf of armored bread (okay, I admit it's corny) is CLNGE, who swept up 14 places in the ranks. Suffering under a 1-4-0 record and dropping from 10th to 22nd place were the PURE EVIL. Keep trying! A seasoned team is steady in the lists. But to LA BOULANGE, which fell to 24th, it's what you soak in before going to the Dark Arena. What goes up, must come down. Watch out COLLUSION COVE! HOUSE OF GRAIN may fall on you as it crushes past the teams below it to fall on the 32nd spot. THE EYES HAVE IT is no joke as it posted a 4-1-0 week advancing from 17th place to 10th place. Hey everybody, watch out for GAZREK, who flew up 27 points in the rankings after mashing AIMLESS like a melon. Keep your eye on this beast. And falling like a basher in the top ten was AIMLESS, who dropped 22 points after a disappointing (to say the least) bout with GAZREK. DUNNO got through to the Duelmaster this turn. No doubt it was more than anxious to kick THE RIDDLER's tail out of the throne! Our battling duelmaster THE RIDDLER has managed to hold the title, fending off DUNNO's none too subtle advances. Better luck next time, HIT ME WITH.... Advice to bashers--never force anything, just get a bigger halberd! But enough of that bunch, let's get on to the wimps who like to avoid battle! Here's a song for you: Who's afraid of the big, bad SUPERIOR FORCES 1601? Big bad SUPERIOR FORCES 1601. Big bad SUPERIOR FORCES 1601. COLLUSION COVE's afraid of the big bad SUPERIOR FORCES 1601. Tra la la la la! For those of you who like math, try this one: SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 + Weapons That go Boom = PURE EVIL + Avoid City. Well just about everybody wants a piece of HAWAIIAN KONA, who was this week's most challenged warrior. Can any one out there say 'weasel'? Oh well, just saying ZIG-ZAG MAN will do. He challenged 18 points down to trash COCO NUTS. Definition of petty: ZIG-ZAG MAN put to death COCO NUTS, a mismatch of 18 points. Well, it looks like RYEHARD wasn't happy with last turn's rank, so it went for broke by challenging up 28 points. No guts, no glory. I don't know about you, but when I saw RYEHARD step out on the sands with I OWN INDIMAR, I though it was over before it started. Good upset RYEHARD! In a touching display by a 'touched' warrior, CHALLAH POINT went after ACIDULOUS, who was higher by 20 points. Well, when the dust settled, CHALLAH POINT was overcame by ACIDULOUS. Death is kind of like a new puppy: he's always around wanting to play. (Ha Zontani, how's that for a wise saying?). Well, just when you thought it was safe to put a new warrior in the arena. No no! COCO NUTS, a mere girl, was slain by ZIG-ZAG MAN this turn. Too bad THE UPSTARTS III won't be eating any crow this week because of WHACK-A-STUD's bloodfeud passing. Why? No bloodfeud, no fowl (Drumroll, Groans). Congrats to PAR for revenging the death of his teammate (but more importantly, feeding MISS PIGGY a bit of dirt). In the 'Oops, What Have I Done?' category, PAPERCUT was mashed by DOUBLE D, who let PAPERCUT know that killing members of MY PRESENT is a no-no. Here's some advice: warriors with little wit and will may encounter problems on the trail to the Isle. I think I had better cut this one short. It's been nice chatting to those of you whom I have not offended yet. C'mon, Leadfoot, let's make some tracks. And remember, you can pick your friends and you can pick your--(loud boos), oh, you've heard that one already!-- The Unknown Spymaster DUELMASTER W L K POINTS TEAM NAME THE RIDDLER 7852 16 8 2 136 CRAZY CREEPS (207) CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME WRATH LIX 7899 13 3 1 144 DEATH STUDS VII (301) ALLAN JOHNSON 8232 14 5 0 112 TPW FOREVER (619) VENREK 7477 17 5 0 110 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) -SUNSHINE 7593 11 7 0 110 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586) ODALISQUE 8121 8 0 2 108 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) VOLMAX 7592 7 6 0 105 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585) TIGER TY 7665 19 15 1 104 WING HOVE (529) WHITE WITCH 7542 24 15 0 101 CRAZY CREEPS (207) ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083 12 9 1 101 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) BURNT OFFERINGS 8054 9 5 1 101 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) LOKI IX 7860 11 5 1 98 DEATH STUDS VII (301) HOFFA 7713 21 29 0 92 BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591) YELLOW JACKET 7627 17 39 1 91 BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591) CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME 911 7936 11 10 0 87 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) DUNNO 6988 12 19 1 86 HIT ME WITH... (503) TYVEK 7478 10 9 0 85 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) GAZREK 7858 9 5 0 84 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) RETRIBUTION XXIX 8259 10 4 0 82 DEATH STUDS VII (301) FLICKED BOOGERS 6989 16 15 0 80 HIT ME WITH... (503) -DEATH STUD 8211 9 5 1 80 DEATH STUDS XII (602) -HENDRICK 5022 13 8 1 77 UNDERDOGS (5) WEEZY DANG 7909 10 9 0 77 THE BUNKHOUSE (595) -BLACK WIDOW XLIII 7868 11 4 1 76 DEATH STUDS XII (602) CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME -ENIGMA XXV 7871 6 9 1 74 DEATH STUDS XII (602) BUSTED NUTS 7134 12 12 1 72 HIT ME WITH... (503) CHALLENGER ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME -THE BUNISHER 8341 9 1 1 66 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) STITCHES 8245 5 6 0 66 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) -PAUL BEARER 8082 4 3 1 66 FUNKY FOLK (565) -MYSTIQUE 7932 6 3 1 65 VILLAINOUS LEGION (605) PEACH FUZZ 8095 7 5 1 63 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) HOWLER XIII 8302 6 1 2 63 DEATH STUDS VII (301) RYEHARD 8339 8 6 1 62 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) EDWARD KINGSLEY 8330 6 1 1 62 TPW FOREVER (619) AIMLESS 7967 14 9 0 61 THE BUNKHOUSE (595) -HANS GRUBER 7931 6 2 0 60 VILLAINOUS LEGION (605) -STORM FIRE 7597 6 3 1 59 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586) NYSTERIOUS WAYS 8464 6 1 0 58 PASTAFARIANS (630) 3D'S NOT L33T 7833 10 7 3 57 WILD CARDS (148) ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME B.C. GOLD 7787 8 7 0 54 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) T MARIE 8522 2 1 0 54 MY PRESENT (637) BOY GEORGE 8378 6 3 0 53 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) SPIRITWALKER 8431 5 2 0 52 DREAMTIME (633) ZOMBIELUST 8181 7 2 0 51 4000 BLOWS (107) ACIDULOUS 8384 5 0 0 51 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) WEKA DART 7979 9 7 1 50 WING HOVE (529) DAY BY DAY 8338 4 1 0 50 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) -RAZOR XXV 8154 7 4 0 49 DEATH STUDS XII (602) TWIG 8096 6 4 1 49 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) HAWAIIAN KONA 7853 5 6 0 47 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) RESPECT THE PACKAGE 7832 9 8 0 46 WILD CARDS (148) MONKEY PAW 7854 5 5 1 44 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) WILD YOUTH 8296 3 1 0 44 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) I OWN INDIMAR 8084 6 8 0 43 4000 BLOWS (107) SCORN BREAD 8343 8 6 0 41 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) GREEN DISEASE 7718 5 8 2 41 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585) SETH DRAVEN 8231 5 3 1 40 TPW FOREVER (619) PAR 8297 5 4 1 39 WING HOVE (529) PLUM 8094 4 4 1 39 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) SHRIVELLED PRUNE 8177 4 4 1 39 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) MAITRE BOULANGER 8350 3 1 0 39 LA BOULANGE (626) DOUBLE D 8523 1 2 0 39 MY PRESENT (637) PANAMON 8087 9 6 0 37 WING HOVE (529) BEAST XVII 8303 4 6 0 35 DEATH STUDS VII (301) VENGRAZ 8018 4 1 0 35 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) -RED WINTER 8304 3 1 0 35 VILLAINOUS LEGION (605) TAXMAN 8397 6 4 0 34 PURE EVIL (629) CHALLENGER INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME WARM PIRATE 8407 7 3 0 33 PASTAFARIANS (630) NOODLY APPENDIX 8404 6 4 0 33 PASTAFARIANS (630) L'APPRENTI 8351 4 1 0 33 LA BOULANGE (626) -CURT SHIFF 8479 2 1 1 33 FUNKY FOLK (565) STAR 8427 6 2 0 30 DREAMTIME (633) VENGANZA 8408 5 5 0 30 PASTAFARIANS (630) LE FOURNER 8354 3 3 0 30 LA BOULANGE (626) CRUCIFIED 8447 2 1 0 30 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) -VIKI 8261 2 2 0 30 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586) OVERTIME 8394 6 4 0 28 PURE EVIL (629) KELLY FABULOUS 8221 5 5 0 28 THE BUNKHOUSE (595) PRIVATE EYE 8425 5 2 0 28 THE EYES HAVE IT (632) JOHNNY FOURHOOVES 8399 3 1 0 28 THE BUNKHOUSE (595) EVIL AYE 8498 3 0 0 28 THE EYES HAVE IT (632) CHALLENGER INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME SISTER MOON 8489 2 2 0 28 DREAMTIME (633) CHALLAH POINT 8389 4 6 0 26 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) 100 PUNKS 8491 4 1 0 26 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) SOCRATES 8547 3 0 0 26 GRECO-ROMAN (639) -PERFECT SNOTLING 8403 1 1 0 26 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586) CHONDROMALACIA 8432 3 6 0 25 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) GUNPOWDER 8449 3 0 0 24 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) EQUIPOLLENT 8492 2 3 1 24 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) SHMEGMA 8502 2 1 0 24 HIT ME WITH... (503) INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME MCSCROD 8481 2 2 1 23 4000 BLOWS (107) -NAAN VIOLENT 8433 4 3 0 21 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) -MIMIC 8499 2 0 0 21 VILLAINOUS LEGION (605) WILD FLOWER 8443 3 5 0 20 DREAMTIME (633) SHAMIKA 8513 3 1 0 20 LUROCIANS T308 (636) READY, STEADY, GO 8249 2 2 0 20 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) GHNSGFI 8526 1 3 0 20 CLNGE (638) -D 3717 1 1 0 20 THE MIB (304) EDIE 8429 3 5 0 19 DREAMTIME (633) TEMPE FACER SCROD 8506 2 2 1 19 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) THE EX 8436 3 6 1 18 PURE EVIL (629) HARD CIDER 7981 3 2 1 18 WILD CARDS (148) GILMMAO 8525 3 0 0 18 CLNGE (638) SCARLET ABATTOIR 8474 2 2 0 18 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) KING ROCKER 8246 1 3 0 18 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) TOWEL BOY 8265 4 4 1 17 TPW FOREVER (619) -TOM SAWYER 8369 2 6 0 17 RUSH REBORN (627) DARIUS 8552 2 1 0 17 LUROCIANS T308 (636) GALILEO 8548 2 1 0 17 GRECO-ROMAN (639) MASTER EXPLODER 8500 1 2 0 17 4000 BLOWS (107) FEZ 7878 2 5 0 16 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) -A 3718 0 2 0 16 THE MIB (304) PLATO 8550 3 0 0 15 GRECO-ROMAN (639) SENTINEL 8543 3 0 0 15 CRAZY CREEPS (207) MANHATTAN PROJECT 8450 2 1 1 15 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) -FRED 8529 2 1 0 15 UNDERDOGS (5) FUSILLI JERRY 8486 2 4 0 14 PASTAFARIANS (630) IJEOOGI 8528 1 2 0 14 CLNGE (638) -LIMELIGHT 8365 2 6 1 13 RUSH REBORN (627) DEAD ALIVE 8503 1 2 0 13 WILD CARDS (148) NIAGARA FALLS 8533 3 1 0 12 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) JOHNNY 8511 2 1 0 12 LUROCIANS T308 (636) I EYE 8508 2 1 0 12 THE EYES HAVE IT (632) TIFFERS 8520 1 2 0 12 MY PRESENT (637) PINK I 8422 1 2 0 12 THE EYES HAVE IT (632) -LUC 8497 1 1 0 12 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586) BLACK DEATH 8446 0 3 0 11 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) SUGAR 8534 3 1 0 10 PURE EVIL (629) JAYSON DAYDE 8545 2 1 1 10 TPW FOREVER (619) THE AFRICAN QUEEN 8473 1 3 0 10 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) DOUBLE CHOCOLAINE 8461 1 3 0 10 LA BOULANGE (626) HARUSPEX 8559 2 0 0 9 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) -EARTHSHINE 8392 1 5 1 9 RUSH REBORN (627) -FREEWILL 8468 1 2 0 9 RUSH REBORN (627) -SEL DUMB 8487 1 0 0 9 FUNKY FOLK (565) MISS PIGGY 8544 2 1 1 8 CRAZY CREEPS (207) PAPERCUT 8535 1 3 1 8 PURE EVIL (629) SHEEPY THOMPSON 8538 1 3 0 8 THE BUNKHOUSE (595) SARDASIA 8512 1 2 0 8 LUROCIANS T308 (636) DESEARTES 8560 1 0 0 8 GRECO-ROMAN (639) ICE CREAM SOLDIER 8471 0 4 0 8 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) FGGMOGO 8527 1 2 0 7 CLNGE (638) INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME -MUGWUMP 8555 1 0 0 6 UNDERDOGS (5) IRON HYDE 8452 1 2 0 5 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585) HOLOCAUST 8448 1 2 0 5 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) SHA'LONDA 8532 1 2 0 5 LUROCIANS T308 (636) ARISTOTLE 8551 1 2 0 5 GRECO-ROMAN (639) -JONES 8539 1 1 0 4 UNDERDOGS (5) LOST BREAD 8546 0 3 0 3 LA BOULANGE (626) LEATHAM 8519 0 3 0 3 MY PRESENT (637) IICERGS 8524 0 3 0 3 CLNGE (638) TAKE ANOTHER SHOT 8558 0 2 0 2 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) DGA 8562 0 1 0 1 MY PRESENT (637) TOGS CHOKER 8561 0 1 0 1 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) -E 3714 0 1 0 1 THE MIB (304) '-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn. THE DEAD W L K TEAM NAME SLAIN BY TURN Revenge? PICK OF DESTINY 8553 1 2 0 4000 BLOWS 107 MANHATTAN PROJEC 8450 438 CLARK KENT 8196 8 4 0 CRAZY CREEPS 207 HENDRICK 5022 435 REVENGED COCO NUTS 8163 5 1 0 FRUIT OF THE LOO 615 ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083 438 ARCHIMEDES 8549 0 2 0 GRECO-ROMAN 639 HARD CIDER 7981 437 LUCKY CHARMS 8557 1 1 0 HIT ME WITH... 503 TEMPE FACER SCRO 8506 438 TOSSED SALAD 6987 15 13 1 HIT ME WITH... 503 WRATH LIX 7899 436 AGAIN 8565 0 1 0 MEDICAL BIOHAZAR 585 SEA MONSTER 438 NONE TRY 8564 0 1 0 MEDICAL BIOHAZAR 585 SPYMASTER 438 NONE GERR 8556 0 1 0 MY PRESENT 637 PAPERCUT 8535 437 JUST REVENGED ME 8521 0 1 0 MY PRESENT 637 JAYSON DAYDE 8545 436 DUELING FOR SCRO 8472 0 2 0 NO HAMMER HAMMER 635 MCSCROD 8481 436 CARROT TOP 8398 4 2 0 PURE EVIL 629 HOWLER XIII 8302 434 NOT REVENGED POKE IN THE I 8423 1 2 0 THE EYES HAVE IT 632 EQUIPOLLENT 8492 438 WHACK-A-STUD 8349 3 1 0 THE UPSTARTS III 510 SHRIVELLED PRUNE 8177 434 NOT REVENGED SHAUN OF THE DEA 8504 1 1 0 WILD CARDS 148 THE EX 8436 437 ELEPUNK 8563 0 1 0 WING HOVE 529 SPYMASTER 438 NONE MORGAN LEAH 8517 1 2 0 WING HOVE 529 MISS PIGGY 8544 437 JUST REVENGED PERSONAL ADS All -- Not exactly sure what HAL did with my personal ads last turn, but it is what it is. I know I have probably taken a -5 point hit at this point, which is cool in a sense that its the rules (and not cool in the sense that it's -5 points). Should have heeded the warning to CC everything to Nuln, which I'm doing now, too little-too late for Turn 2. -- Master Darque Pip -- Sorry for pulling you down so early with a careless mistake. Let's still shoot for that 10-0-10, though preferably at the end of the contest when the points are multiplied. -- Master Darque Congratulations to the winners! And here are the results of the of the Aradi Spotlight awards ......... Gold Crown Death Stud "No Spotlight" Silver Scarf Soultaker "Pandy's Return" Bronze Pasties Samwise The Bald "Creepy's Visitor" Tin Cup (tie) Zalgor Prigg, "Blissful Place" Tin Cup (tie) Haunt "New Recruits Wear your prize winnings with pride and joy. Editor, International Award Winning Aradi Free Press Tidbits from The IAWAFP..... ... Patty The Fatty and The Creepster are going steady. ... Managerr is as wise as the world is flat. ... Death Stud could only afford to run one team this week. ... There was a run on tar and feathers in Aradi. ... Rillion needs toilet paper. He is obviously full of xxxx. ... Pauly's giant demon muskrat developed elephantitus. ... The FOUR always get good replacements; bribery is being investigated. Remember, subscribe now to the full publication while the price is high. Editor, IAWAFP Welcome to The Collusion Cove Guardian. Aradi has always needed a gossip column. Perhaps some day you will be able to compete with People Magazine and True Crimes? -- Editor, IAWAFP Snotman -- The Creepster thanks you for the kind words about his partner choice for this TOGS. It really was time to find a winner. -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe Like Pauly, The Creepster wants 10 points for his duelmaster. Whoever started that nonsense should be shot. (by Pauly) -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe Morgan Leah -- Why challenge me if you are going to die, you slut! -- Miss Piggy Ijeoogi -- Thanks for the little win. It was a shorter fight than I thought. I feel a tiny bit excited. -- Sentinel Hoffa -- You bum! Get out of the way! -- White Witch Venrek -- That was uncalled for. Your manager is an unmitigated punk! -- Jack The Ripper (inappropriately interrupted) Weezy Dang -- How many hand grenades should the Swiss Army put in their cheese? A. Nine, because the moon shines bright on the Wabash. -- The Riddler Wham bamboogleronios! Yippy dippy ding dongerific! Riddlerooski whoopey ti yi yoyoyoyoyo! -- The Creepster Not that anyone here deserves to see this information, but Jack The Ripper looked like this: (faves yet unknown) 13(+3)-18(+3)-14-9(+2)-21(+2)-5(+1)-17(+2) Great Damage on the roll (+) Ambi (+1 Att); +3 Decise (?) Parry (AX), Decise/Attack (X) Skill learn rate an awesome 1.14 Weapons BS 0-31-8 LS 1-32-1 Estimates -- unknown/unknown, fave weapon unknown The Crazy Creeps Scribe Further info on Jack The Ripper for those who don't want to know ............. VL/MD - BA The Crazy Creeps Scribe Eyes Have It -- Nice done on the if challenged strat. I faxed that turn in and didn't fill out the challenge strat. Definitely cost me there but still you guys have been kicking my butt...time to find a new opponent. -- The Greek Guy..Lurocians Rillion -- Well done last turn, partner. I thought our plan was to be middle of the pack early on and come on strong at the end and then choke again. Oh well, guess we can see how we do near the top for a change. -- TGG Indimar -- A surprise first round leader? I think not. As the Crazy Creeps Scribe so eloquently pointed out, Mannequin and I started strong the last time. We just hope to finish better than we did the last time. -- Samwise Manager -- Did you hear that? That was me knocking last turn. -- KARMA Mannequin -- Go ahead and put the target away. Or pass it to Hombre and Elephant! -- Samwise Snotman -- Congratulations on your new paper! I'm introducing a third into the mix this turn. Let's drive the Aradi Free Press into bankruptcy! -- Samwise All -- Good reading again this turn; I'd probably rate Nuln's berating of Death Stud as my fave. Yay for sarcasm! -- Anti Three Aimed Blows in one turn. Bunch of tourney-babies. I will kill one of you; oh yes, I will. -- Gen. Ironcide Master Exploder -- How you like me now? -- Fusilli J Day By Day -- That is how you should be living right now as your days are numbered. -- Haunted Pasta And rounding turn 2 from the back of pack, it isn't, it couldn't be, it is, Haunted Pasta. Hello mutter, hello fadder, here I am at contest TOGSer. TOGS is very entertaining, and they say we'll have some when folks stop complaining.... The problem with bread golems is that they are always loafing. DK Bread has one more chance to turn things around or else it is club sandwich time for him. -- SwineTiger Twig -- Impossible! I am supposed to be unstoppable this time of year! -- Taxman Shaun of the Dead -- I hope you don't come back to haunt me as a zombie. -- The Ex Do zombies haunt? -- Ed., unsure of the niceties of undead behaviour Mannequin -- How's about next time you let me win my challenge and I let you win yours. It makes for 3 points more each! -- Street Peach Fuzz -- A tough match; come back again soon and we'll smoke before the next one. -- Hawaiian Kona TOGS Tabulators -- That time again to submit the obligatory Personal Ad to prevent a subtraction of points! -- Hammer/Minister of War/etc Papercut -- Cluck, cluck...why? -- Ghost of Gerr Gazrek -- Hmmph, well, see it's cuz I'm fat. Not that you're currently a superior warrior to me, just that I'm a very large man. -- Double D Poke In The I -- I was confused as to where I was to actually poke you. In your eye or your body? Good job taking advantage of my confusion. -- Leatham Niagara Falls -- *snicker* I love doing that. -- Tiffers Noodly Appendix -- You're going to have to do better than that (but not much) to beat me! -- T Marie Togs gentlemen, sadists, malcontents, and Manager -- Second turn was better than the first, but not up to my standards. I demand two deaths, damnit!! -- Flagg Anti -- Yeah!! We didn't match up against each other! Hooray!! -- Flagg Did this come through as plain text? Did my spotlight? I'm learning how to use Vista and a new mail program, too. -- TigToad Looks great, thanks! -- Ed. Zalgor -- Hey, it's great to play with you again. Tell your warriors to start winning. -- TigToad Rillion -- It's mostly good to be back. The only downside is, I gave away my DM file cabinet, so I just have piles of folders all over the place. -- TigToad Editor -- I would like to thank the commission for the honor of the 'Tin Cup" for "outstanding" spotlight writing. I will proudly display this on my mantle, next to the various TC awards and ZalCon awards won by my stable...in fact, I think I will remove those other awards altogether, as they cannot compare to my very first TOGS award. I'm so proud. My mother would be so happy...if she understood Duelmasters and didn't consider it a waste of paper and money...and paid attention when I told her these things. But, what does she know. I don't live with her anymore. -- TigToad All -- I think my dad was gonna say something, so I'll leave it to him. I don't really feel like being a smart-ass this turn, but I'm sure I'll resume my regularly scheduled wackiness next turn. -- Pauly Rillion -- I don't think that expecting your partner to go a mere 60-0 is unrealistic expectations. Just because you're not up to the task, doesn't mean someone else isn't. -- Manager Samwise, Hombre, Creepster -- Thanks! Back at ya buckeroos! -- Anti Ed. -- Well the good news is that sometime around this turn the number of spots should start dwindling. The bad news is certain TOGS participants will probably get even more Togsier, even if that's not really a word. Yay? :) -- Anti Dwindling from a flood to a mere torrent? -- Ed., recalling certain things seen in recent floodwaters Package -- You better get a tighter grip. -- Acidulous Maitre -- Salute. The dance was well worth the skills. -- Equipollent Loki -- And your manager wins with you? 'Tis a sad sad day. -- Odalisque Panamon -- Och, ouch, ouch, ouch stay away from me. -- Chondromalacia Fggmogon -- I spent most of my time trying to figure out how to pronounce your name. -- Haruspex Killer Wedgies -- Whoops a stumble already? May your challenges be as good as last year. -- Soultaker Aradi Free Press -- Although I like the change in awards from last year, I find these bronze pasties to be a little chaffing. -- Soultaker Fusilli J -- A good proctologist? You might want to check with Slugbait. I have heard he worked his way through medical school giving exams on the side. -- Soultaker Slugbait -- Since Snotman is so busy re-applying his chap stick after his sickening praise, the rest of us want to kill you for creating such a wussie wannabe manager. -- Soultaker All -- Have to love all the new newspapers. You think we might get just one with some chance of truth? -- Soultaker Pip -- I know you must be lying since that would mean someone would have taken the time to talk to you. -- Soultaker Manager -- Very curious how you got Storm Fire into the arena without having to DA Pesmerga. Such great lengths to avoid four turns of bloodfeud. It's good to see the standards of integrity that you set for us all to aspire to and interesting to see you circumvent the Gladiatorial Commission rules like that. Seems almost like something Death Stud would do. -- Death Stud The Riddler -- With all the #@$&@ before last turn, I forgot to mention how impressed I was with your clever out of TOGS bloodfeud to Hendrick and how you thanked him for allowing you the opportunity to challenge and get zero points for four turns. Nice to see that The Creepster is always thinking ahead. -- Stud Rumor on the street is that when Gen. Ironcide said "I got your 100-1 right here" he was grabbing his crotch and referring his ratio of uncompanioned weekends. -- an unnamed source AUS -- Couldn't resist. -- Ed. Rillion -- RE: the boring everyone into submission during the TOGS plan. No need to worry about Snotman ruining that strategy for you. How can you surprise someone with a strategy that you've utilized prominently during each previous TOGS? -- helpful Studs Rillion -- After seeing the performance of my second team compared to the one I'm running, I'm now questioning my decision on which one to run. -- D. Stud Le Pentarque & SwineTiger -- Good to see you guys recover from the first turn doughnut (get it, a bread reference!) and put some points up from fights this turn. You're going to have to explain to me sometime the logic of holding out two of your warriors, though. -- Death Stud Double D -- Indeed there can only be one! (at a time, that is) And I am the one. Sorry to give your sandbagging self a welcoming Aradi smackdown on your first turn, but it comes down to that whole "somebody has to lose" and frankly, better you than me. -- Howler XIII Pauly -- How'd that plan of challenging outside of the contest for zero points, then holding the throne for the rest of the TOGS and looking like a freakin' genius instead of a Beau Zeau work out for you? It's good to see that in your time with the FONZ, you've really honed those keen analytical skills to razor sharp FONZ standards. -- Death Stud Note to all TOGS participants: just in case you're a little thicker in the dome than most and aren't getting it, Ed.'s really not screwing around this TOGS with the whole editing/censoring thing. -- Death Stud I'm protecting young and innocent minds (which is why y'all are having problems). -- Ed. and Ed. Jr. Seraphim -- After your entire team missed the fights last week, Manager petitioned the Gladiatorial Commission to rescind his first turn confidence-building congratulatory message to you of "Awesome start, partner!" and to have it replaced with "You horrible, pathetic failure of a human being, you disgust me and--as this partnership was clearly a mistake--I heretofore request that you refrain from sullying my record with your ridiculous attempts at managership." -- Commission scribe DID YOU SEE THAT SAMWISE'S TEAM ONCE AGAIN THIS TOGS LEAPT OUT TO AN EARLY LEAD AND DESERVES TO BE VICIOUSLY BEAT DOWN AS THE CLEAR AND OBVIOUS THREAT THEY ARE? -- an observant not-so-neutral party Indimar -- In response to your comments about family matters regarding your treatment of young Pauly and the issues with Mama Paulson, just let me say that were I you, I'd be expecting visits from Child Protective Service and the local Native Animal Rescue. -- Death Studs Indimar -- There was no surprise first turn leader as you seemed to reference in your personal ad last turn. Please check your facts. Have you forgotten already how Samwise and Mannequin's team jumped out to an early lead and were in first place through the first 8 turns of the last TOGS (well, before the part where they crashed and burned spectacularly at the end [although in fairness, not nearly a Rillion/TGG sucking black hole supernova nuclear fusion fireball implosion])? -- Death Stud Anti -- I'm not sure about the tar, but from past spotlight history, I'm pretty sure there's some chicken farms in Aradi if you really needed feathers. -- Death Stud Twig -- Have you been saving up that "beaten by a..." crack since your first fight, just waiting to unleash it on someone? I feel unfortunate to have provided you the opportunity. -- Beast FYI, Mannequin, it should be very simple to find the bullseye for you and Samwise. I'm pretty sure they were tattooed on your backs at the beginning of the last TOGS and the ink seems to have been touched up nicely with your great start in this TOGS. -- Death Stud ColLuSIoN cOVe GUaRdiAn -- It iS AlwAys gOOd to HavE A SEcoNd voIcE OF rEaSOn In ThE weeKly PUblIcaTioNs. -- DeATh sTuD, PLugGInG shAmELesSlY FoR THe ExcESSivEly uNREaDablE USe oF CApiTalS AwArD Award? Do I get to pick the prize? -- Ed., musing on the respective merits of various corrosive substances Pip/Darque -- Based on Pip's calculations, I would recommend predicting yourself a 20-0 turn. -- Studs P.S. Good to have the both of you back in Aradi. Odalisque -- That was surely an unfortunate matchup for the both of us. -- Loki Nysterious Ways -- That wasn't a fight; it was a mugging. Fighting implies both people involved were engaged in combat. Next time you want to fight give me a chance to swing back, OK? -- Shrivelled Prune B.C. Gold -- Smoked ya!! -- Coco Nuts Taxman -- One small blow for smaller government, one large blow for taxpayers. Oh, and plenty of in-between blows just for good measure. -- Twig Hawaiian Kona -- So much for burying the hatchet.... Nice recovery. -- Peach Fuzz Happy Peasant -- I just look like I'm ripe for the picking! -- Plum Okay, well I actually issued challenges this turn so I am getting better...still not into the flow of the whole experience yet but I am getting there. -- Zalgor Prigg Johnny Fourhooves -- May your little hooves get dry rot. -- Pink I Darius -- What kind of challenge is that. I call on you to be more fair next time. -- Slugbait TGG -- Watch it there with comments like "knock on wood" you don't want to get censored; apparently it is going around. -- Rillion Zalgor -- Ah, lazy lack of motivation, welcome to my spotlight writing frame of mind. -- Rillion Zig Zag Man -- Then I hope we never meet again. -- Venrek Black Death -- Somehow I feel you won that... -- Star Anti -- Thanks for another great spot! -- Hombre Elephant -- Hey, what's that little red glowing light on your forehead? -- Hombre Elephant -- Hey, what's this little red glowing light on MY forehead? -- Hombre TOGSERS -- Family takes precedence this turn. Here's my one personal. -- Indimar Snotman -- Maybe I should have gotten some of those zombie warriors of yours. These living ones of mine seem to blow fat, grey brain chunks. Welp, time to re-regroup. -- Nuln, hoping he doesn't have to re-re-regroup P.S. I am greatly saddened to see the name of your fine establishment changed to the Blinking Sign. I think you need to bake Ed. a cake, or maybe a couple dozen cakes, or else I might have to stop drinking. It'd better be a darned good cake. -- Ed. Mysterious Goatee Having Figure -- You, sir, have been served papers! Please cease and desist your mysteriousness and/or shave your goatee. -- The Original Mysterious Goatee Having Figure of Aradi P.S. It's TOGS--of course we're fighting amongst ourselves! Weka Dart -- Zzsssszt! Zip it! I don't want to hear anything! -- Zombielust Johnny -- You can talk to me. Just don't challenge me. -- The Pick of Destiny (or not) The African Queen -- This ain't Africa, baby, or even Elsewhere, or Elsewhen or Elsewhy. But come back any time now, y'hear. -- McScrod El Creepy One -- Even if I was a fetus, I would be too old to run this TOGS. You can't deny the truth, you can't! -- Nuln Death Stud, Soultaker -- We gots to start on this turn tabulation stuff much sooner mien freunds, or else Snotman and I will have to eat both of your brains in a giant mind-omelet. My brain, fortunately, is already long gone. -- Nuln, zombified years ago Fusilli J -- I believe Pip can give you detailed dossier's on all the local butt-men. -- Nuln Fusilli J -- Hmmm. Both my manager and I found that fight highly disturbinating. Highly, highly disturbinating. Ach. -- Master Exploder, reserving a block of time next turn for the DA, just in case Pip -- I just wanted you to know how much I appreciated the Anchor Man reference in your spot last turn. It helped numb the pain of my 1-4 as I lay curled up prone on the floor. Of course after the numbness faded the pain returned worse than ever, but man did I enjoy that brief moment of sweet, sweet numbness. -- Nuln P.S. You stay classy! Hombre -- I beg to differ. Even if this isn't the greatest TOGS ever, it still will be. Oh yes, mark my words, it will. -- Nuln, beggar of differers P.S. I hope you canceled all your speaking engagements. Collagen-lip readers are near impossible to find. Flicked Ginders -- I tried really hard to mentally picture you as one of Indimar's warriors, but when you hit me in the head with your darn sword it broke up my whole visualization mojo. -- I Own Indimar Pauly -- Lol, your ad to D. Studly ker-acked me up. That was so in his face, I confused it for his actual face for a sec. However, since you failed to write a DM column, I must now withhold my shipment of pig heads until t-6. -- Nuln Hombre -- Are we there yet? -- Elephant Indimar -- Thanks, that means so much coming for you. -- Elephant P.S. Stop playing WoW for a sec and call me back. Nuln -- I'm glad someone is loving the Woodside. Haven't been able to get anything past Ed., yet. I didn't even try this time. Gonna wait 'til the guard is down and then...wait is Ed. reading this? -- Elephantastic *silent glare* -- Ed. I just want to let everyone know that I am still working my way through the spotlights from the first two turns and I want to give a general shout out to the amazing creativity (and the odd creepiness) that comes out during the TOGS. Some good stuff and really what makes TOGS still kick after all these years. -- Death Stud L'Apprenti -- Well, I can't really say I had the wrong strategy to fight you, it's just that the correct strategy didn't really help me all that much! -- Beast Dunno -- I have to admit that was closer than I'd have liked. -- Wrath Busted Nuts -- I have to say that was not nearly as close as I'd have expected. -- Retribution Odalisque -- My friend, if one of us had to lose and the other had to get rocketed up the ranking and be stuck up in the challenger champs, I can say in all honesty that I am happy that you won that fight. Plus, your manager could always use a little ego boost. I guess that makes Death Stud and Soultaker 1-1 against each other this TOGS. If it keeps going this way with a fight each turn between them, the first team to 7 wins will be the winner! -- Loki IX LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS AGAIN was butchered by SEA MONSTER in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight. TRY was butchered by SPYMASTER in a 1 minute brutal Dark Arena duel. ELEPUNK was easily killed by SPYMASTER in a 1 minute gory Dark Arena match. FLICKED BOOGERS lost to WRATH LIX in a popular 1 minute gory master's Bloodfeud brawl. DOUBLE D demolished PAPERCUT in a 2 minute gruesome mismatched Bloodfeud competition. PAR overpowered MISS PIGGY in a 1 minute one-sided Bloodfeud struggle. ARISTOTLE was bested by HARD CIDER in a 2 minute novice's Bloodfeud competition. LOKI IX handily defeated WEEZY DANG in a 1 minute uneven Challenge melee. EDWARD KINGSLEY won victory over WEKA DART in a popular 1 minute Challenge duel. STITCHES vanquished MONKEY PAW in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight. DUNNO was overpowered by THE RIDDLER in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge Title melee. ALLAN JOHNSON savagely defeated JACK THE RIPPER in a 6 minute Challenge match. ZIG-ZAG MAN butchered COCO NUTS in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge battle. 911 devastated HOWLER XIII in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge bout. NYSTERIOUS WAYS overcame HAWAIIAN KONA in a action packed 1 minute Challenge fight. PANAMON was bested by BOY GEORGE in a 2 minute Challenge duel. L'APPRENTI was overcome by RESPECT THE PACKAGE in a 1 minute Challenge bout. PEACH FUZZ devastated SCORN BREAD in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge brawl. SPIRITWALKER overpowered VENGANZA in a exciting 1 minute one-sided Challenge match. RYEHARD overpowered I OWN INDIMAR in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge conflict. SHMEGMA was bested by WARM PIRATE in a 4 minute Challenge bout. MAITRE BOULANGER overpowered READY, STEADY, GO in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel. WILD YOUTH overpowered TAXMAN in a 2 minute gruesome uneven Challenge fray. EDIE was devastated by SETH DRAVEN in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout. CHALLAH POINT was overpowered by ACIDULOUS in a 2 minute uneven Challenge fight. WILD FLOWER was overpowered by NOODLY APPENDIX in a 2 minute uneven Challenge fight. DOUBLE CHOCOLAINE was overpowered by GHNSGFI in a 1 minute uneven Challenge match. EQUIPOLLENT executed POKE IN THE I in a 1 minute uneven Challenge duel. GUNPOWDER beat KING ROCKER in a 2 minute Challenge fray. TOWEL BOY was beaten by KELLY FABULOUS in a 2 minute Challenge competition. JOHNNY FOURHOOVES won victory over THE EX in a 2 minute Challenge bout. FEZ was narrowly defeated by VENGRAZ in a 2 minute Challenge fight. CRUCIFIED vanquished FUSILLI JERRY in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fray. PINK I luckily beat SHA'LONDA in a 2 minute gory Challenge match. SOCRATES luckily beat SCARLET ABATTOIR in a exciting 4 minute gory Challenge bout. SHEEPY THOMPSON was handily defeated by LE FOURNER in a 1 minute Challenge match. GALILEO lost to EVIL AYE in a 1 minute Challenge fight. LUCKY CHARMS was butchered by TEMPE FACER SCROD in a 2 minute Challenge battle. SENTINEL unbelievably bested DEAD ALIVE in a action packed 6 minute Challenge bout. MASTER EXPLODER demolished ICE CREAM SOLDIER in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge match. I EYE luckily beat THE AFRICAN QUEEN in a popular 4 minute gory Challenge duel. TIFFERS lost to SHAMIKA in a crowd pleasing 3 minute brutal Challenge bout. HOLOCAUST was overcome by NIAGARA FALLS in a 1 minute novice's Challenge duel. MANHATTAN PROJECT assassinated PICK OF DESTINY in a 1 minute uneven Challenge battle. WHITE WITCH viciously subdued HOFFA in a unpopular 18 minute veteran's struggle. TYVEK was handily defeated by BURNT OFFERINGS in a 1 minute mismatched fight. VENREK luckily beat VOLMAX in a crowd pleasing 3 minute brutal expert's competition. TIGER TY savagely defeated RETRIBUTION XXIX in a popular 6 minute veteran's fight. ODALISQUE overpowered YELLOW JACKET in a 1 minute uneven bout. AIMLESS was overpowered by GAZREK in a exciting 1 minute uneven competition. BUSTED NUTS demolished TWIG in a 1 minute one-sided conflict. DAY BY DAY demolished STAR in a 4 minute gory one-sided battle. ZOMBIELUST handily defeated SHRIVELLED PRUNE in a 1 minute mismatched contest. PLUM was savagely defeated by B.C. GOLD in a exciting 3 minute brutal struggle. T MARIE bested OVERTIME in a 2 minute bloody fight. 3D'S NOT L33T demolished SISTER MOON in a 1 minute mismatched battle. GREEN DISEASE viciously subdued MCSCROD in a popular 2 minute gruesome bout. CHONDROMALACIA was unbelievably bested by PRIVATE EYE in a popular 12 minute fight. BEAST XVII handily defeated BLACK DEATH in a 1 minute one-sided contest. 100 PUNKS savagely defeated SARDASIA in a action packed 4 minute brutal fight. IRON HYDE was overcome by DESEARTES in a popular 5 minute amateur's battle. GILMMAO bested JAYSON DAYDE in a crowd pleasing 4 minute novice's fight. FGGMOGO subdued LOST BREAD in a 1 minute beginner's duel. IJEOOGI overpowered FRIENDLY CONSTABLE in a 1 minute one-sided fight. SUGAR luckily beat TAKE ANOTHER SHOT in a tiresome 14 minute beginner's melee. LEATHAM was subdued by PLATO in a 2 minute beginner's battle. JOHNNY defeated TOGS CHOKER in a 2 minute amateur's fight. DARIUS demolished IICERGS in a 1 minute mismatched duel. HARUSPEX beat DGA in a popular 3 minute novice's match. BATTLE REPORT MOST POPULAR RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS |FIGHTING STYLE FIGHTS FIGHTING STYLE W - L - K PERCENT| |STRIKING ATTACK 41 TOTAL PARRY 81 - 50 - 1 62 | |LUNGING ATTACK 25 WALL OF STEEL 42 - 28 - 3 60 | |TOTAL PARRY 19 LUNGING ATTACK 88 - 94 - 5 48 | |AIMED BLOW 13 STRIKING ATTACK 136 - 152 - 12 47 | |WALL OF STEEL 10 PARRY-STRIKE 16 - 19 - 0 46 | |SLASHING ATTACK 9 AIMED BLOW 34 - 41 - 3 45 | |BASHING ATTACK 8 PARRY-RIPOSTE 6 - 11 - 0 35 | |PARRY-STRIKE 4 PARRY-LUNGE 7 - 14 - 0 33 | |PARRY-LUNGE 3 BASHING ATTACK 33 - 68 - 2 33 | |PARRY-RIPOSTE 2 SLASHING ATTACK 24 - 50 - 4 32 | Turn 438 was great if you Not so great if you used The fighting styles of the used the fighting styles: the fighting styles: top eleven warriors are: PARRY-LUNGE 3 - 0 LUNGING ATTACK 9 - 16 5 STRIKING ATTACK PARRY-RIPOSTE 2 - 0 AIMED BLOW 4 - 9 3 TOTAL PARRY WALL OF STEEL 7 - 3 PARRY-STRIKE 1 - 3 1 BASHING ATTACK TOTAL PARRY 13 - 6 BASHING ATTACK 1 - 7 1 WALL OF STEEL SLASHING ATTACK 5 - 4 1 SLASHING ATTACK STRIKING ATTACK 21 - 20 TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE FIGHTING STYLE WARRIOR W L K PNTS TEAM NAME STRIKING ATTACK THE RIDDLER 7852 16 8 2 136 CRAZY CREEPS (207) TOTAL PARRY VENREK 7477 17 5 0 110 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) BASHING ATTACK VOLMAX 7592 7 6 0 105 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585) WALL OF STEEL TIGER TY 7665 19 15 1 104 WING HOVE (529) SLASHING ATTACK ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083 12 9 1 101 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) LUNGING ATTACK TYVEK 7478 10 9 0 85 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) AIMED BLOW WEEZY DANG 7909 10 9 0 77 THE BUNKHOUSE (595) PARRY-STRIKE TWIG 8096 6 4 1 49 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) PARRY-RIPOSTE MAITRE BOULANGER 8350 3 1 0 39 LA BOULANGE (626) Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above. The overall popularity leader is DUNNO 6988. The most popular warrior this turn was ALLAN JOHNSON 8232. The ten other most popular fighters were TIGER TY 7665, DEAD ALIVE 8503, B.C. GOLD 7787, CHONDROMALACIA 8432, IRON HYDE 8452, 100 PUNKS 8491, SCARLET ABATTOIR 8474, VOLMAX 7592, JAYSON DAYDE 8545, and SARDASIA 8512. The least popular fighter this week was HOFFA 7713. The other ten least popular fighters were WHITE WITCH 7542, SUGAR 8534, TAKE ANOTHER SHOT 8558, PRIVATE EYE 8425, STAR 8427, IICERGS 8524, BLACK DEATH 8446, MCSCROD 8481, SISTER MOON 8489, and OVERTIME 8394. The following warriors will travel to AD after next turn: THE RIDDLER (60-7852) CRAZY CREEPS (207) The following warriors have traveled to AD after fighting this turn: JACK THE RIPPER (60-7487) CRAZY CREEPS (207)