Date   : 03/21/2008    Duedate: 04/03/2008


DM-60    TURN-438

This Weeks Top Honors


(60-7852) [16-8-2,136]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

WRATH LIX                      T MARIE
DEATH STUDS VII (301)          MY PRESENT (637)
(60-7899) [13-3-1,144]         (60-8522) [2-1-0,54]

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

DUNNO                          ALLAN JOHNSON
HIT ME WITH... (503)           TPW FOREVER (619)
(60-6988) [12-19-1,86]         (60-8232) [14-5-0,112]



Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)      60
2. CLNGE (638)                 33      ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
3. ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)      29      Unchartered Team
4. DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)      25
5. TPW FOREVER (619)           24      GRECO-ROMAN (639)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 1*GRECO-ROMAN (639)         10   5  0 66.7   1/ 4 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)   13  2 0
 2/ 4 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)   134  91  8 59.6   2/ 5 CRAZY CREEPS (207)       11  4 1
 3/ 3 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)      37  26  2 58.7   3/ 9 TPW FOREVER (619)        10  5 1
 4/ 2 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)   29  21  7 58.0   4/ 7*GRECO-ROMAN (639)        10  5 0
 5/ 5 DEATH STUDS VII (301)    516 411 20 55.7   5/ 3*DREAMTIME (633)          10  5 0
 6/ 6 CRAZY CREEPS (207)       594 487 20 54.9   6/13 DEATH STUDS VII (301)     9  6 1
 7/ 7 PASTAFARIANS (630)        27  23  0 54.0   7/ 1 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)    9  6 1
 8/19*THE EYES HAVE IT (632)    14  12  0 53.8   8/14 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430)  9  6 0
 9/11*GENX PERFECT HITS (620)   14  12  0 53.8   9/ 8*GENX PERFECT HITS (620)   9  6 0
10/15*DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)     8   7  1 53.3  10/17*THE EYES HAVE IT (632)    9  6 0
11/ 9 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 228 204 13 52.8  11/ 2 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)   8  6 0
12/10 WILD CARDS (148)         783 707 34 52.6  12/18*DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)    8  7 1
13-13 VILLAINOUS LEGION (605)   20  19  1 51.3  13/19*LUROCIANS T308 (636)      8  7 0
14-14 DEATH STUDS XII (602)     42  42  5 50.0  14/ 6 PASTAFARIANS (630)        8  7 0
15-16 UNDERDOGS (5)            284 288 16 49.7  15/20 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)       7  8 0
16/17 TPW FOREVER (619)         31  32  4 49.2  16/15 WING HOVE (529)           7  8 0
17/12 PURE EVIL (629)           24  25  2 49.0  17-12 SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586)  6  4 1
18/ 8*DREAMTIME (633)           19  20  0 48.7  18/30 WILD CARDS (148)          6  8 1

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
19/27*LUROCIANS T308 (636)       9  10  0 47.4  19/25 4000 BLOWS (107)          6  9 1
20/21 4000 BLOWS (107)         693 771 32 47.3  20/16 HIT ME WITH... (503)      6  9 0
21/20 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)       92 103  2 47.2  21/35*CLNGE (638)               6  9 0
22/25 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)    96 108  2 47.1  22/10 PURE EVIL (629)           5 10 2
23/18 HIT ME WITH... (503)      76  86  3 46.9  23/26 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      5 10 1
24/22 WING HOVE (529)          121 138  6 46.7  24/11*LA BOULANGE (626)         5 10 0
25-23 SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586)  42  48  2 46.7  25-23 DEATH STUDS XII (602)     4  0 0
26/24 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      71  84  4 45.8  26-24 VILLAINOUS LEGION (605)   4  0 0
27/26*LA BOULANGE (626)         11  14  0 44.0  27/27*NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)   4 11 1
28-28 FUNKY FOLK (565)          68  94 10 42.0  28/34*MY PRESENT (637)          4 11 0
29/29 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591)  82 123  6 40.0  29-28 FUNKY FOLK (565)          3  0 2
30/36*CLNGE (638)                6  10  0 37.5  30-22 UNDERDOGS (5)             3  7 0
31/31 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD  (585)  20  46  4 30.3  31/36 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD  (585)  2  8 0
32/34*MY PRESENT (637)           4  11  0 26.7  32/21 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)      2  8 0
33/33*NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)    5  15  1 25.0  33/29 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591)  1  5 0
34-35*RUSH REBORN (627)          7  30  2 18.9  34-31*RUSH REBORN (627)         0  5 0
35- 0*THE MIB (304)              0   1  0  0.0  35- 0*THE MIB (304)             0  1 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                    TEAM SPOTLIGHT

        + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Mega-Store Conspiracy ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                               Devil's Worshop Turn 3

     "I'm going down to that new superstore they just opened in Market Square,"
Master Darque announced to his teammate Pip the Troll.  "You want to come?"
     Never one to miss an opportunity for public drunkeness, Pip shrugged his
shoulders and said, "Sure, nothing going on around here."
     As the pair walked through the streets of Aradi to the new superstore they
quickly became aware that all was not right with the world.  The citizens of
Aradi were all dressed rather oddly.  They were aware that Aradi was the leg-
warmer and cod piece capital of Alastari, but their daily attire was now stamped
with a FONZ emblem.  Pink leg-warmer and shiny copper cod piece commoners went
about their daily business and advertising the FONZ to all who would look upon
them.  Pip thought that he saw a non-FONZ pullover on a dirty toddler that said
"BABY COLLUSSION GAP", but Darque quickly reminded him that Collusion was
synonymous with FONZ in Aradi.
     Realizing that all was not right with the universe, Pip finally asked the
question, "So what is this new superstore we are going to anyway?"
     "FONZ-Mart is what the flier said.  And from looking at all these people,
I'm guessing that business is booming," as the necromancer spoke they rounded
the corner and came face to face with the new superstore.  On the curb, FONZites
were passing out free leg-warmers and cod pieces to all that would have them.
Master Darque had to refuse three cod pieces before he made it to the front
door.  He finally took one and shoved it into his robes so they would leave him
alone.  They entered the superstore and were promptly greeted by the ancient
FONZ-Mart door greeter.  Upon closer inspection, they realized it was Creepster.
     "Zippidy doo-dah and hoorah today to you," the Creepster bellowed.
"Welcome to FONZ-Mart."
     Pip and Darque nodded and then quickly passed by the greeter not wanting to
get to close to him.  The smell of peppermint and Vick's Vapo-rub was heavy as
they passed him and he let out another "Zippidy doo-day and hoorah to you
today," as another custumer entered the store.
     The pair began to walk down the many aisles of the store and were surprised
at the products on the shelf.  "This place is starting to scare me," Pip finally
     "Yeah, it is a little strange.  They have put FONZ on everything.  I needed
a box of Rolaids for my viewing box, but I'm not too sure I want to try these,"
the half-demon showed Pip a teal and white medicine bottle with the words
FONZaids written boldly across it.
     "I was a little freaked out by the FONZiration-H myself," Pip said.
     As the two wary custormers went up and down the aisles, a sales associate
spotted them and came to assist.  Nuln was decked out in his Chaos Lord (tm)
armor and wore a tight fitting blue FONZ-Mart vest.  "How can I assist you
today?" he asked.
     "We are just browsing, thank you," Darque said trying to avoid him.  "Wait,
I do need some sun screen, do you have any here?"
     "Ah yes, you need sunscreen, especially with your light complexion.  You
have to protect yourself from FONZonoma."
     "FONZo-what!?" Darque asked.
     "FONZonoma, you know a terrible disease that one," Nuln answered.
     Pip tapped Darque on the shoulder and motioned toward the dooor.  He
thought now was a good time to leave.  Darque nodded in agreement and the two
began to slowly back up towards the door.
     "Why are you leaving, we have so many more products to show you!  Let me
get some more of my other associates to help you," Nuln clapped his hands and
FONZ-Mart associates began swarming the aisle.
     "No, no, that is quite all right.  We can find what we need ourselves.  We
will just be on our way," Darque stammered.
     "I don't think so, grab them," Nuln shouted and the FONZ-Mart associates
grabbed Darque and Pip.  "Take them to the back room."
     Darque and Pip were blindfolded and taken to the back of the store.  They
were tied to chairs.  The back room was nothing more than an employee lounge
with Aradi employment charts about worker's compensation and minimum wage
hanging on the walls.  Nuln and the other FONZ-Mart employees were standing over
the pair, eyeing them suspiciously.
     "What is the meaning of all this?" Darque shouted.  "I demand to be freed
this instant!"
     "No, I'm afraid we can't do that.  You weren't going to buy anything and
seemed immune to our geas spells.  Therefore you are a danger and need to be
eliminated before you ruin our plans," Nuln informed them.
     "Plans, what plans?" Pip asked.
     "Very well, since we are going to kill you, I don't see anything wrong with
revealing our grand scheme to you.  I mean I have read a lot of stories and this
is just pretty much typical behavior for the villian to give out his most
guarded secrets," the Chaos Lord said.
     "All right, all right, just spit it out or kill me.  I don't have time for
this because this spot is starting to run a little long," Darque hissed.
     "I'll give you the short version then," Nuln shrugged.  "We opened this
superstore and renamed all of the products with FONZ friendly names, as well as
placed a few geas spells here and there so that we can FONZise all of Aradi.
With Aradi FONZised there will be none to oppose us!"
     "FONZise?" Pip and Darque said in unison and then looked at one another
     "Yeah, FONZise.  You know to cause or to become FONZ.  Geez it's all
simple," Death Stud stepped in to explain.  "You see we FONZise the entire city
and make everything FONZogenic.  Once everyone begins to have a FONZiful time,
we then set up the First Church of FONZolatry and all will worship us!
Bwahahahahaha!  Do you understand now?"
     "Yeah, the evil laugh was a bit much.  However, that is a dumb plan, no one
is going to fall for that.  How can you hope to indoctrinate an entire city?
Your plan is dumb.  I'm sure there are better ways to do it," Pip berated the
FONZ members.
     "Actually, it is the best plan.  We had our FONZologist research all the
diabolical means in which we could reach our goal.  At first were were going to
use FONZoscopic FONZcytes and implant them in all the people, but the overhead
was just too much.  Then we were going to use mycoFONZ to infect everyone with
FONZitis, but that was too messy and the only person who liked that plan was
Snotman," Death Stud continued speaking and all the FONZ members were focused on
him, paying no attention to their prisoners.
     Darque and Pip nodded to one another.  "Let's get the FONZ out of here,"
Pip said.  He broke the cheaply made FONZorope that was holding him and then
untied Darque.  The FONZ members were still too enthralled by Death Stud's
oratory to notice their prisoners escaping.  Darque clapped his hands and
magically teleported the pair back to the guildhouse.
     A few calls to the local newspapers and a few leaked sources here and there
about FONZ products being made in China and laced with lead was all that was
needed to shut down FONZ-Mart and stop their diabolical plan.

+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Stardust ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                       The Annual Aradi Manager Moonlight Ball
                       (A Crazy Creeps TOGS3 Presentation)

     It was a lovely night in Aradi, with temperatures in the low 70's, a gentle
breeze, and a gorgeous full moon shining overhead.  Alongside the lake, the ACC
(Aradi Croquet Club) outdoors dance floor was decorated in lovely light blues and
greens, and the Glen Miller Band was playing the light music of the day.  The annual
Aradi Manager Moonlight Ball was in full swing.
     On the dance floor were some of the earlier arrivals.  Slugbait, in his lime
green leisure suit was dancing the jitterbug with his date, a half-troll from
Fratsfa.  In step with them were Soultaker and Fatty Patty, whom the soul man had
apparently lured back from The Creepster.  Street Legal and Hammer, both in white
tails and straw hats, were standing aside, drinks in hand, talking to their dates,
twins and halfling sisters of Death Stud, while watching Slugbait and Soultaker make
fools of themselves.  (Apparently this was no big deal and a very common site.)  Near
the temporary bar, a table had been confiscated and several of the managers were
playing high stakes old maid.  Tigtoad, appeared to be dressed in a formal tent,
apparently designed to cover his massive warts.  He was dealing.
     "Gimme a hit" yelled General Ironside, looking mighty cool in a paisley Hawaiian
shirt over striped pedal-pushers of a pale puke color.
     "You dork!" responded Pip The Troll, while he eyed Slugbait's date with lust in
his eyes.  "That's the wrong game.  I raise you four gold coins."
     "Jeez!" whispered Tigtoad to The Greek Guy.  "This should be easy money.  By the
way I like your orange Tommy Boy sport coat.  Did ya get that at Nuln's Nut Sack
Shop?  It really matches your cargo pants, ya know?"  TGG just looked at him with a
scowl and said, "Deal."
     Meanwhile their three dates and one spouse were cooling their heels, seemingly
rather angry about the card game.  "I'm going to divorce that TGG, you know?" said
Mrs. Greek, "he just gambles away all out money, and he's not that good in bed,
either!  Does anybody want him?"  (The quiet seemed to imply there were no takers.)
     About that time there was something of an uproar, as an enormous stagecoach
pulled into the receiving area and more managers arrived.  First off was Managerr, in
a black tux and silk bowtie, looking like the Governor of Aradi which he was, in his
own mind.  Managerr was escorting Kelly Clarkson, who was going to be one of the
featured singers of the evening.  Managerr reached into his coat pocket and pulled
out his pet manager-in-training and wife, Mr. and Mrs. Death Stud.  "We're gonna have
a great time, eh, Stud?" offered Managerr.  The Stud just squeaked.
     Next to climb from the coach were Mannequin and Samwise the Bald, holding hands
and dressed in identical white tennis tops and skirts.  They made a fine couple.
     "Where are Snotman and Nuln?" Managerr asked.  "They were supposed to be on this
stagecoach.  Whatsa deal, Samwise?  Hey, by the way, I like you guys' cute skirts."
     "Oh, you know, Snotty and Nulnie." replied Samwise, as he adjusted his thong
under the short skirt.  "They're both protesting The Stud's attempted takeover of the
FONZ.  Nuln says he would never allow someone to steal his leadership position, no
matter how many teams that person is able to run.  Never!"
     Last out of the coach were Hombre in a tailored summer light blue and white
seersucker suit and the mighty Flagg all clothed in a pair of red, white, and blue
overalls plus ascot with stars on it.  Hombre had paid four hundred million gold
coins to get a date with Anna Kornakova for the evening, and it must be said that she
looked like a million!  Her outfit was similar to Samwise's and Mannequin's, but she
seemed to fill it in a far better fashion.  Flagg was escorting a newcomer by the
name of Betsy Ross.
     About that time, the late-dragger-inners began appearing at the dance.  There
was Le Pentarque marching in military resplendent, escorting one of The Flower Girls.
No, wait!  He was escorting two--one on each arm, and they both had that big smile on
their face which often indicates complete satisfaction.  Swinetiger, in an orange and
black jump suit, seemed to be begging the Frenchie for one of the girls, but it
wasn't happening.
     The dance floor was pretty full by now, as the slow dreamy tunes were common,
and most couples took the opportunity to snuggle up for a feel or two.  The alcohol
flowed freely, and by the time of the main feature, all of Aradi was pretty loopy.
     "Hey!  There she is!  Kelly Clarkson's gonna sing!" yelled out Samwise.
Mannequin just looked at Samwise with daggers in his eyes.  (He was probably thinking
ten kill desire.)
     On the stage came Clarkson followed by her make-shift accompaniment--Haunt on
the bongo drums, Indimar and Rillion with fiddles, Elephant on the accordion, and
Pauly with the oboe.  The Creepster carried a fife....
     Let it be said that the annual Aradi Manager Moonlight Ball was a success that
year.  The Kelly Clarkson video won a Grammy.  There was no booze left over.  Nuln
did not allow Death Stud to take over the FONZ.  Samwise proposed to Mannequin.
Seraphim did not show.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
        -----     -----     -----    [Samwise the Bald]    -----     -----     -----

                                 THE ARADI ENQUIRER
                              "The voice of the people"
                                  Volume I, Issue 1

A word from the editor:

     Greetings, fellow citizens of Aradi.  It is with great pride and a sense of
destiny that I proudly bring you this little publication.  It is my sincere hope that
this endeavor of mine will find an audience and take hold in this, my beloved home.
     For far too long, there has been only one voice in the Aradi media.  For far too
long has this humble island community been subjected to that singular voice and
opinion.  And for far too long we, the people of Aradi, have accepted the fertilizer
the supposed "free" press has fed us.
     Well, I say no more!  No more accepting such "award winning" drivel blindly!
Just as every coin has two sides, just as every whole has two halves, and just as
Manager has two faces, every story has two sides!
     For too long, the newshound citizens have had only option for their news:  the
supposed Award Winning Aradi Free Press.  HA!  HA, I SAY!!  That fish wrap is as
award winning as a "make out with your sister" contest winner!  There has been no
competition.  And that cat litter box liner is as free as a priest's celibacy!  It is
free only if you are looking to finish the sentence, "The Award Winning Aradi Free
Press is (blank) of creativity!"
     The reign of misinformation is no more.  The Aradi Enquirer is here now to shed
light into the Free Press caused darkness of ignorance. You will now have a news
choice.  You will have the rest of the story and a voice of sanity and reason to turn
     The drivel that has been forced upon Aradi by the Aradi Free Press has been so
ultra-conservative that it has poisoned our fair island community.  Even the renowned
Rush Limburger has said he finds the AFP a bit too rigid.  And who do we have to
blame for this abomination that has been so cruelly thrust upon us?  None other than
the infamous Consortium!  Their narrow-minded, conservative worldview has been
warping the minds of the youth of Aradi.  In fact, just this morning I saw two young
men arguing in Scrodbucks over whether or not it was fiscally responsible to buy a
large drink!
     It is my desire, nay, my mission, to enlighten the minds if Aradi.  Only by
doing so can I hope to establish any hope whatsoever for the future of our community.
Only by acting as a beacon of reason and hope for our people can I lie down at night
and sleep the peaceful, unburdened sleep of the righteous.  I hope you'll join me.
     I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge my kind financier and publisher,
Samwise of Zukal, also known as Samwise the Bald.  Without him, this little
enterprise would not be possible.  Thank you.
     For now, I invite you to enjoy our inaugural issue.  To honor the glorious
Tournament of the Golden Scrod, we have chosen to introduce our readers to some of
the notable participants.  Enjoy!

I am,




Name:  Death Stud
Famous for:  being a two-time TOGS winner.
Little-known fact:  was once nearly six feet tall.  In a cruel twist of fate, a genie
granted his wish to be well-endowed by shrinking his body proportionately, reducing
him to his current height of 2.5 feet!

Name:  Soultaker
Famous for:  being carried through TOGS after TOGS by his partner, Death Stud.
Little-known fact:  the very same genie granted his wish to be handsome.  The genie
disappeared before explaining to what form of life Soultaker's horrific visage could
possibly appeal!

Name:  Rillion
Famous for:  being one half of the greatest choke in TOGS history.
Little-known fact:  He has TC'd.

Name:  The Crazy Creepster
Famous for:  choosing the worst TOGS partner of all time.
Little-known fact:  running the campaign of Cillary Hinton for Aradi Mayor.  She was
narrowly defeated by Bark Oboyo in the run-off election.  He was once married to
Cillary.  She divorced him for being "too liberal."

Name:  Manager
Famous for:  winning the first TOGS.
Little known fact:  was expelled from the Bill Belichik School of Winning for
employing questionable tactics.

More manager profiles on page 2.

               + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ La Boulange ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     My, my, could it be getting better?  Some of our Bread Freaks actually beat
flesh gladiators.  A few.  We are still not very handy with this TOGS thing.  Let's
study the writings of the old, crumbling outdated veterans we are about to stuff into
history books....
     Reading that mine of wrapping paper we call a newsletter, I wondered that one
admirer gave Le Pentarque the glorious place of quarterback in a brilliant team.  The
part with the luscious lady licking her lips is one good point for our little
business.  I consider that as an honor, even if some dough got splattered on the end
of the story...could not read it...no big deal....  I guess that I was leading that
bunch of geniuses to victory!  With my credit card thrown in the wishing well, the
wheel of fortune had to go my way.
     I knew that the flower of Alastarian Managers would go fall for quality bread,
made with the best flour...hum...flour....  My dictionary tells me there is an
interesting slang meaning for flour:  this is an idea for later, if we stick to the
last place a little too long.
     Well...let's try to brainstorm something.
     Right now, our team is not terrifying anyone.  Bread Golems are perhaps too
mouth-watering to be taken seriously.  I will start a checklist.
     -- I must stuff them with some surprises.
     L'Apprenti was sent to take a big chunk of meat from the first Beast (XVII) he
would meet:  meat-pies are not French specialties, but you can compromise when you
are losing.
     -- Each customer has to be taken seriously.  We must custom-tailor.
     First come, first served:  the Pastafarians are crafty, they noticed we were
looking for them, and they had a shot at our shop, so I guess we have to cut them,
their friends, and family into pieces small enough to enter our bread recipes.
Hum...that's not exactly the usual way to attract new customers, but these one are
really special:  they will improve our products, so I can tell that's some serious
     Then, TGG and Rillion are on my list:  the one from the Land of Flat Bread
called me a chunky sidekick.  Chunky?  I don't deal in junk food for degenerated
palates.  My bread Golems are cooked in a traitorous French stone handmade giant Oven
of Wonder.  Each stone was painstakingly chosen among sacred druidic groves in thick
and monster-ridden forest, brought on a little canoe from over the sea, and carried
with my bare hands to serve refined customers.  During that quest, I ate only blessed
wholemeal elven bread with some occasional raw kobold on the side.  So...I guess I
can tell I am NOT chunky.  To get chunky, I need a better business, I need victories.
What kind of bread can we serve to Demons of Darkness?  These guys seem kinda evil,
aren't they?  Hum, we can offer them the lungs of Sha'Londa between two slices of
Greek unleavened bread.  Eating the lungs of a friend is evil, no?
     Then the Creepster.  That guy is creeping all over Alastari.  Serving him won't
be easy, he is said to be versatile.  We will offer him the Random cake, all the
components chosen by rolling twenty-faced Gygax dices.
     Enough thinking for this day, I can feel my creme de la creme brain oozing down
my ears.

Le Pentarque, improving baker....  Ah ah ah ah, they will all get fatter!

          + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Pure Evil -- "Again?" ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Haunt looked over the results from week 2 of the TOGS competition with dismay.
He looked up at his assembled team.  "Well you guys have improved a bit, but we're
still way down near the bottom of the rankings.  And what is the deal with all this
killing?  Do we really need two other TOGS teams out to get us when we are just
trying to get back into a respectable position here?  They can't even get my name
right in the newsletters.  Who is this Crow character anyway?"  Haunt had to admit
the name did sound familiar, but he could not place it.
     His musings were interrupted when The Ex stood up and pointed at him, "Hey,
you're the one that told us we needed to shed a lot more blood if we wanted to get
anywhere in this contest.  I have heard you talking to General Ironcide. I know your
memory is all messed up, but don't tear into us for something you asked for!  I don't
need this you know.  I get plenty of gold a month in alimony from that no good rat!
I'm just on this team for the fun of it!"
     Haunt banged his fist on the table, "I may not remember my past much but I gave
no such orders."
     Papercut looked up.  "Yeah you did boss.  Just last week when we met in that
abandoned warehouse, you told us!  You said you wanted to see more blood, that you
wanted us to live up to our name Pure Evil!  I told you I prefer them to live.  It's
more fun watching them squirm from all the wounds I inflict but you said if I didn't
kill someone stone dead soon I'd be sorry.  Oh, and why'd you shave that goatee off?
I thought it was cool!  Especially, how you kept twirling your mustache.  That must
have taken forever to grow!"
     Haunt slammed the table forcefully again.  "What?!  Are you crazy?  We had no
meetings in an abandoned warehouse.  Why would I bother with that when we have a
headquarters right here?  And a mustache and goatee?  That'd look ridiculous."  Haunt
tried to contain his rage.  For some reason that image filled him with anger.  "If
someone is pretending to be me this is serious stuff.  I'm going to have to report
this to..."  With a crack Haunt toppled over, his last thought before consciousness
faded was "Not again...."
     The gathered warriors began to reach for their weapons when the attacked held up
his hands.  "Come now, he was useless.  Yes, I attacked him and technically he IS
your manager, but you all want to win, correct?  It was I who gave you those tips
last week in that warehouse.  They worked too as Papercut and The Ex can attest to.
If the rest of you fools had showed up instead of being out drinking or whatever it
is you do at night, perhaps this team would have done even better."  His point made,
the warriors put their weapons away.
     The Ex was the first to speak.  "Ok, ok.  We get it.  Haunt was a bit of a wuss
anyway.  With a name like Pure Evil I thought I was going to really get to hurt
stuff!  So now that we are all in, what do we call you?"
     The shadowy figure stepped into the light.  The gathered warriors gasped as he
looked exactly like their former manager, only with a goatee and long curled mustache
which he continually twirled.  "I once went by another name more fitting.  But for
now you may refer to me as Haunt.  We wouldn't want to commit any rules violations
after all would we?  Bwahahahahahahaha!  Now that I have returned, this team shall
truly live up to its name."  His cackles carried into the night.

             + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ MY BEST BUDS 2 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                         The Adventures of Soulie and Studoo

     Ah yes as we last left off in the adventures of Soulie and Studoo our two main
characters were about to partake of some good ole' fashioned bowling fun.  Street
Legal had already high-tailed it out of there, having left in something of a frenzied
mood at the dialogue that had gone on there.  Studoo's regular driver was on vacation
so Soulie summoned for his driver and carriage to take them to the alley.............
and then to later take them to the lanes!
     The call came up from Studoo's look out man, sitting high up in the crow's nest
he had erected against espionage, that Soulie's carriage had just made the corner.
Studoo and Soulie stepped from the front gate as the carriage came into view.  "Hah,
hah what do you think little man of my new ride?  Hah, hah isn't it fly?" Soulie
quizzed of his ToGS partner.  Studoo leered in amazement as the candy-apple red low-
rider carriage pulled up.  "It's um nice but don't you think you're a little old for
something like that.  I mean the kids are rockin' out carriages like this but you my
friend are just a wee bit past your prime," he replied choking back a laugh.  "Yeah,
yeah whatever so I'm having a mid-life crisis so what do you make of it," Soulie
     "Ah geez dingle balls and zebra striped interior!  I should have guesses you'd
have gotten all the accoutrements necessary for a sled like this." Studoo said under
his breath.  "Yeah I even got a personalized license plate for it that reads SOULMAN.
You're lookin' at the dopest dope ride in all of Collusion Cove my friend.  I'm the
envy of all the managers now," Soulie beamed with pride.  He proceeded to show his
little buddy the kickin' sound system he had installed.  He pressed a small red
button and from the floor popped up a little box entitled "Boom Box".  The lid
flipped off and inside were three small musicians playing...what else..."Soul Man"!
"I swear I'm going to get them to learn more than just this one song but for now it
works out great!"
     They pulled up to Collusion Lanes in the midst of a heated argument.  Soulie
could be heard to say, "Get off my chandelier for gods sakes!  So I only pulled two
wins in the first turn give me time I will get more in the future."  Studoo suddenly
took notice of the marquee at Collusion Lanes.  "Oooh, ooh look at that The Crazy
Creepster opened up a new restaurant here.  We just have to drop in and see what sort
of fare he is serving."  Soulie answered, "Yes, yes but first let's get our shoes and
lane first.  I have big feet (or so he hoped the ladies believed) and I want to be
sure they have the right sized, ahem, clown shoes I need."  Studoo gleamed back,
"Clown shoes?  Can I get one of those matching hats with the bells on the end like
the Jesters wear too?"  Soulie just smacked his forehead in disgust as they entered
Collusion Lanes.
     After setting up with their shoes and balls at the lane Studoo reminded Soulie
that they had to visit Creepster's new restaurant.  They strode over to the hole in
the wall from which Creepster was operating his business.  "And a fine giggity,
giggity, giggity to you two fine chaps," Creepster said quite sanely.  "My you're um
doing well these days Creepster looks like things are shaping up for you quite well
this ToGS," said Soulie quizzically.  "And a fine hat that is sir." Creepster said.
"Thanks!  I got it from a friend who got it from his friend Maximillian.  It's called
a Took of Lucidity (tm)," in response.  "Ahh forgive me and my manners, welcome to
Creepster's Oyster Bar, would you like an Oyster Bag to go?  On me of course."
Studoo began to leap up and down like a child.  "Oooh I love Oysters can I have a
Creepster Oyster Bag (tm), extra large.  Please, please, pretty please."  Soulie
reached into his pocket and pulled out his coin purse and replied, "One extra large
Oyster Bag, on the house right, and let me get an order of Creepster's Magic Onions
(tm) please."

to be continued????????????????????????????????

            + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Flagg's TOGS Spot ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Flagg stared at the motionless, headless body of a golden chicken.  It was all
he could do after watching the ruthless Papercut of Pure Evil slice through his
newest warrior.  "For goodness sake!  Where's his head Papercut?" he called out to
the departing killer.  Flagg scooped up the body, details of revenge already
beginning to emerge in his thoughts.
     "Gerr, little buddy.  I'll avenge your death!  You didn't deserve this.
PAPERCUT!!  You killed my golden good luck charm!  Where's his head, you miscreant!!
What foul, perverse things are you doing to my poor, little Gerr's head??" he
     The four surviving members of My Present lined up behind their manager and
followed him out of the arena in a somber procession.
     "Ok, team meeting!" Flagg announced to his assembled stable.  They had spent the
last few days mourning the loss of the golden chicken, Gerr, and everyone seemed
eager to get that behind them.
     "First on the agenda is the Gerr's bloodfeud.  Double D, you haven't been
pulling your weight in your current rankings, so I'm going to have you post the
bloodfeud challenge.  Hopefully, that head-stealing tub thumper, Papercut won't
avoid." Flagg instructed.
     "The rest of you, just challenge whoever.  I've been busy trying to find a
replacement for my dear, precious Gerr.  Now, I've got the candidates lined up
outside and I'll let them introduce themselves one by one." Flagg said.  The stable
mates nodded their agreement and Flagg walked over to the door.
     Opening the door, Flagg barked out, "Now, we'll need you guys to come in one by
one and introduce yourselves.  We'll let the winning applicant know later this
afternoon. Ok , you first big guy."
     In walked a mammoth of a man, two large shields attached to arms the
circumference of oak trees.  "My name is Bashera.  I'm a basher.  I like to bash.  I
prefer to use my large shields, cuz I can bash little men into pancake shapes.  Pick
me and I'll bring victory to this team!!" he stated.
     "Thank you, Bashera.  We'll definitely keep you in mind.  Next!" Flagg yelled,
motioning the basher out the door.  Next walked in the basher's visual opposite.  A
diminutive orc clad in a purple spring dress and pink sandals.  The orc was carrying
a bouquet of fresh cut flowers.
     "Ah, look she brought flowers." Double D said smiling.
     "I'm a male orc." the warrior snorted.
     "Ummm, yeah...ok, so could you tell us a little about yourself?" Flagg
     "Well, I like long walks in the rain, freshly shampooed hair, little chocolate
bites, and I especially adore fresh cut spring flowers.  See!" The small orc stated
while pushing out the flowers for everyone to inspect.
     Flagg groaned and stated, "No, no.  What's your name and style? Tell  us that
type of stuff."
     "Oh, ok." the orc continued, "My name is Managerr..."
     Flagg and his stable spent the remainder of the afternoon viewing various
derelicts and street bums when, finally, no one else came through the door.  "Holy
cripes!  That was the biggest pool of inbreeds and Creeps that I've ever seen!" Flagg
muttered.  "Perhaps we should send someone back to Rodeki to find a suitable mine
worker that can fill the gap?" he pondered.  Just then came a knock at the door.
     "House keeping!" came the call from the other side of the door.  Leatham stood
up and let the cleaning staff member in.  In walked a young man carrying a mop and a
     "Someone said there was a large stain on the ceiling to clean?" he asked.
     "Oh, that's just precious.  Now the Togs pranks begin!" Flagg chuckled.  "Sorry
young man, but there's no stain on the ceiling to clean." he stated.
     "Ok then, I'll be leaving." the young man stated as he twirled his mop and
turned to leave.
     Flagg thought for a second and asked, "What's your name?"
     "DGA," came the reply.
     "Have you ever fought in the arena before?" the manager questioned.
     "Nope.  Why?" was his reply.
     "We're looking for a new warrior on our team.  We haven't had much luck in
finding one.  You seem just as able bodied as the next guy." Flagg stated.
     "How much does it pay?" DGA asked.
     "I'll double what you're making now." Flagg replied.
     "Well...I don't know...it is a dangerous job." DGA stammered.
     "I'll throw in a bag of bubble gum each cycle." Flagg countered.
     "Deal!" DGA exclaimed.
     "Excellent!  Glad to have you aboard!" Flagg excitedly shook the man's hand.
"Now, is DGA your actual name or does it stand for something?" he asked.
     "It stands for Don't Get Attached." the warrior answered.
     "How appropriate." Flagg chuckled.

        + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ TigToad's Return:  Part 3 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "Another good week, men.  I'm proud of the effort you've given in practice.
Your arena fights have been outstanding."  Such praise from the old hunchback was
     "Sir," with respects, "Archimedes DIED."
     "Yes, yes, an excellent tactical move on his part."  TigToad frowned.  "I do
suppose he hadn't intended to die, which does remove some of the brilliance of his
act, but still, good for the team at that."
     "Sir," Plato tried again, "Archimedes... you know, the young man you praised to
us as the greatest aimed blow of his time?  He DIED.  He's not coming back."
     TigToad sighed.  A deep, exasperated sigh.  "Yes, yes, a shame, a pity, I went
to the burial remember?  Now, onto the bloodfeud, you see we need to..."
     "SIR!  Are you crazy?  He was a good man, a nice man!  You treat it like a wager
with a bookie that went bad."
     "Young Plato, I appreciate that you are a young man of some emotion.  Let me
make this clear.  Archimedes, well, he was 0-2.  He deserved death.  Now, those of us
among the living need to win this TOGS contest.  Let's start with the bloodfeud."
     From there, the other warriors were stoic.  They held in their feelings about
the emotionless hunchback preaching strategy.  Even they were thrown by his parting
     "I've asked our newest warrior, Descartes, to send a message to Zalgor Prigg on
our behalf.  It seems he is not carrying his weight in this contest.  It might be
time to arrange for some of his warriors to die as well.  If they don't start
winning, see if you can get some of the chummier warriors from a team like Devil's
Workshop to kill off one of Zalgor's weaker guys.  He, too, can use a good
     The meeting ended that night with a joyously delivered announcement that
practice would not start until 6am tomorrow morning.  I really think TigToad thought
that this would be received with great joy at his graciousness.  I cannot speak for
the others, but all I could think about was the dead warrior in the ungloried grave
yard outside of town and TigToad's utter lack of emotion.  Plato found himself
wandering through one of the seedier parts of town.  Perhaps it was just that dark
and seedy fit his current mood.
     "Plato, need a date?"
     It was with a small amount of shame that the pimp came turning around the
corner.  I shouldn't know anyone of that ilk as well as I do.  "Hi Tyvek.  Still
working for Rillion?"
     "Yeah, Rillion's great.  Free beer for a week after a win.  No practice on days
with the letter "a" in them.  Heck, a good part of the time, he forgets I work for
him and he just leaves me alone.  How's life with TigToad?  He as weird as they say?"
     Plato throught about how best to respond, but finally shrugged out, "Yeah, he's
kinda creepy and obsessed... and not in a good way.  He's creepy like that ex-
girlfriend you had who would come by your house at 2am just to say 'hi'."
     "Oh wow, bummer man, well that's a tough break.  Hey, at least I'll get to see
you at the alliance picnics now."
     "Probably, I'm 2-0.  TigToad said anyone who didn't have a winning record by the
Spring mail-in couldn't attend.  He said they would be too busy with the extra
     "Bummer.  Anyway, I have a couple dates waiting... have fun moping."

+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ DUDE, WHERE'S MY HORSE'S HEAD? - Part One ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                By GenX Perfect Hits

     "Dude, I really should be going.  I have to meet my attorney in the morning."
     "Come on E, the night is just beginning.  These girls wanna party, don't be a
party pooper." says an overexcited Barnabas.
     "I'm all pooped out."
     "Told you that you are getting old."
     "You're probably right.  I'm gonna find a place to crash for the night."
     "I thought you were crashing at my place.  Remember the horse's head?"
     "Looks like your place is going to be busy tonight.  Thanks for the offer
     As Elephant is leaving the bar we see Barnabas surrounded by women make one last
motion to get Elephant to return.  Elephant shakes it off and exits.  Elephant
appears to be somewhat drunk, staggering down the street looking for a hotel or inn
for the night.  He comes across the Sidwell Hotel.  Man what a dump he thinks.  Tired
of walking he decides to settle here for the night.
     "What can I do for you?"
     "I'll take a room."
     "By the hour or for the night."
     "For the night." Elephant begins to realize maybe he has made a mistake.
     "Standard room or deluxe?"
     "What's the difference?"
     "Standard doesn't have a lock, deluxe does."
     "I'll take the deluxe."
     "Will you be needing entertainment tonight?" The inn keeper motions to a couch
that has three women on it.  One is missing all her front teeth, the one in the
middle is about 300 pounds while the final one is passed out.
     "No, I think I'm good.  Thanks for the offer though." Elephant pays for the room
and heads upstairs.
     "If you change your mind, I'll be down here.  My name is Pippy." says the one in
the middle.
     Elephant goes upstairs and enters the room.  The room is very small.  The room
smells of mold and doesn't appear to have been cleaned in some time.  Elephant locks
the door and lays down in the bed.  He can't stop thinking about waking up with a
horse's head in his bed.  He keeps tossing and turning.  He reaches for the phone and
calls the front desk.
     "Send Pippy up and have her bring a chair."
     A few minutes later there's a knock on the door.  Elephant opens the door and in
walks Pippy.
     "I knew you'd change your mind big boy.  I'm excited about this chair you must
be a very dirty boy."
     "Oh I'm dirty all right.  Just take a look around this place."
     "You don't like it?"
     "It's all right. Pippy, that's a pretty name.  Is that like Pippi Longstocking?"
     "No, it's like Pippy the Troll.  Actually I am Pippy the Troll, TOGS Manager
     "I thought you looked familiar."
     "Enough small talk, what do you wanna do?"
     "I'm gonna need you to take that chair."
     "Oh go on!"
     "Relax, take that chair and place it right in front of the door."
     "Oh I'm getting so excited, I might lower my fee."
     "About the fee, how much is this going to cost?"
     "For you, 100."
     "Ok, here's 200, now sit down in the chair." Elephant pays her.
     Elephant climbs into bed and turns off the lights.
     "Ok, what now?"
     "Just sit there for a bit.  I need some sleep.  I'll let you know when."
     "Wow, you are dirty."
     "Damn what an expensive lock." Elephant thinks to himself.
     Elephant goes to sleep.  He wakes up a few times in the night to the sounds of
snoring.  The snoring is coming from the chair.  Elephant falls back asleep.  Morning
comes and he wakes up to the sound of Pippy snoring.  Pippy is sleeping in the chair
with just her bra and boxers on.  Elephant looks at the door and decides there's no
way to get through it without waking her.  Elephant looks out the window.
     "Wow, the door or a two story drop?  I should be ok if I do a PLF." Elephant
mumbles to himself.
     Suddenly the snoring stops.
     "Hey baby, I didn't hear you wake up.  Are you ready to cash out this jackpot?"
     "About that, I'm running late to see my attorney, can I get a rain check?"
     "A rain check?  What are you trying to say?" Pippy gets up and starts making her
way towards Elephant.
     "Now, relax"
     "I won't relax 'til we finish this!"
     Elephant jumps out the window and tries to perform a PLF.  The landing doesn't
go quite as planned and Elephant really hurts his ankle.
     "Baby are you all right?  Don't move I'll be right down."
     Elephant hops around the corner and sees a horse and carriage.
     "I'll pay you whatever you need if you can get me out of here right now and over
to Scott Schwartz Legal Offices."
     "Sure, no problem.  Get in."
     Elephant rides off the carriage.  We see Pippy running around the Sidwell
looking for Elephant.  The scene switches to the Scrodbucks Shop.  Indimar is in his
office typing away on his computer.  Pauly walks into the office.
     "Dad are ok?  You haven't left that computer in two days."
     "I'm busy son.  This is a very busy time for us now that TOGS is here."
     Pauly looks at the screen and sees World of Warcraft.
     "Dad!!  WoW for two days?"
     "Leave me alone, I'm getting ready to level."
     "This is serious, I need to talk to you."
     "Get yourself a coffee and I'll be out in a few."
     "No!!" Pauly unplugs the monitor.
     "Now wait a minute.  That's not cool."
     "Dad talk to me.  We're being sued both criminally and civilly."
     "I'm not worried about it."
     "You could lose this place.  We could go to jail.  They're calling for Laverne
to be euthanized."
     "Relax, I know the judge.  We know the judge.  We're fine.  Now plug my monitor
back in."
     "Regardless of the judge, there's a settlement scheduled for today.  We should
get an attorney and settle this."
     "There will be no attorney nor will there be a settlement."
     Suddenly Indimar's door is busted open and in walks Pip(Pippy).
     "Where the hell is he?  Where are you hiding him?"
     "Calm down Pip.  What are you talking about?"
     "Elephant, where is he?  He has a debt to settle with me."
     "Well Elephant isn't here.  But he and I are business partners.  I'll settle his
debt with you."
     "Pauly, your father and I have some busy to settle.  Can you please excuse us."
     "Let me finish this son and I'll be right out."
     "Call me Pippy."
     Pauly leaves the office.  As he looks back he sees the blinds close and hears
the door lock.
     "Hey wait a minute!  ELEPHANT, YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS!!"

Is Elephant's ankle broken?
Did Indimar settle the debt with Pip(Pippy)?
Will Laverne be euthanized?
Who is the mystery Judge?  Scott Schwartz, are you kidding me?
To get the answers to these questions, stay tuned next time for DUDE, WHERE'S MY
HORSE'S HEAD? - Part Two

            + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Eyes Have It ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     The nervous young manager raised his hand to knock on the oaken door, hesitated,
and then turned to scurry away.  After scampering away three or four feet he abruptly
spun around and headed back.  Grabbing the brass doorknocker, a lime green rat's eye,
he muttered to himself, "I'm crazy, I'm crazy.  This will never work.  It can't work.
But, how will I learn.  I've got to learn and he just laughs every time I ask."
     Turning away from the giant door again he sighed, " He just laughs and laughs,"
as the door burst open and a giant hand snatched him off the ground.  The next thing
he saw was four yellow rotted out fangs.  Gagging from the overpowering sugary
peppermint odor that emanated from the giant mouth he almost lost his lunch of dry
toast and milk.
     "Me said I give you Pink Pony money next week," snarled the peppermint-spewing
     "Um, ah...ah.  Pink Pony?" cried the rat like manager as he dropped his brown
beat up briefcase on Slugbait's giant red shoes.
     "Me say no money for today.  Spent on new limited edition FONZ book 'How to be
an intellectual giant in a short manager's world'.  It good reading.  Come with
Crayons too," quipped the Orc.
     "I'm not here for money I'm here for advice," sniveled the manager still
dangling from Slugbait's hand.
     Stunned Slugbait dropped the little man.  No one had ever asked him for advice
before.  Never.  There was a long silence as Slugbait's handful of  neurons tried to
figure what to say and the disheveled nervous manager picked himself off the dirty
floorboards and got back his wind.
     Finally, Slugbait authoritatively stated, "Hit with big stick.  When it no moves
you stop."  Noticing the whiskered little man's puzzled expression he added, "It
always work for me.  Who you?"
     "Um, I'm ah...I'm ah...ah...I'm Seraphim," stuttered Manager's teammate.
     "Oh, you work with the paper pusher, " snarled the discussed Orc.
     "Well, um, I wouldn't put it that way myself.  After all I'm working with
Manager because his is one of the preeminent presences in the game.  He told me he
would teach me everything he knows," replied Seraphim.
     "Me still say he paper pusher.  Very smart paper pusher," answered Slugbait.
     The thinly whiskered manager took a deep breath and then started talking, "As I
said before I'm here for advice.  I know it is unusual to ask someone outside your
alliance for advice but I've got to know.  I've hear rumor that you have a secret
strategy to win TOGS but every time I ask Manager he laughs and laughs."
     Quickly grabbing his briefcase off the giant pair of gleaming red shoes, he
started digging thru the mountains of paper within before abruptly asking, "Are those
clown shoes?"
     "Some say clown shoes but I say snappy and functional.  I show you later."
     Seraphim returned to digging before he found a scrap of paper and yelled, "Here
it is 'THE TWO ANCHOR STRATEGY'!  What is it?  I need to know."
     "How you know about TWO ANCHOR?  Manager say not to tell anyone about TWO ANCHOR
not even the Creepster," replied Slugbait.
     "Like I said, we are close.  He tells me almost everything."
     "You not close like that sick Pimple on Butt; JGW."
     "Ah, no that is even to close for me," said Seraphim.
     "Manager, him smart.  Everyone tell him everyone about warriors to 'help' with
tourney predictions.  But him use info to fix tourney and make big money.  I know I
collect from bums who no pay."
     "Ahhhh, Ohhhhh.  I knew he was smart," moaned Seraphim.
     "TWO ANCHOR even better.  Manager say Creepster can no win so Slugbait needs to
help by throwing fights.  We can not not win since everyone knows two negatives make
a positive," said Slugbait.
     After thinking deeply Seraphim said, "If Manager says it has to work I'm going
to give it a try."
     Just then there was a rap on the door and Slugbait said, "Quite, I show you how
new shoes work."
     As the oaken door opened Slugbait quickly thrust out his giant red clown shoes
and tripped the man who had entered.  As the man fell Slugbait cracked the man on the
head with his maul.
     "See.  Shoes look good and work em good." said Slugbait as he looked down to see
whom he had assaulted.  "Ooops.  Him Creepster.  When he wake him be mad.  Maybe we
leave quick."

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
         -----     -----     -----    Soultaker    -----     -----     -----

     It took a few minutes for Editor to regain her composure.  Her face was still
flushed and it seemed she was having a bit of a problem getting her legs to
stabilize.  A-Sop was trying to restore some semblance of order as the next carriage
arrived.  Editor pulled and adjusted her dress and took a few deep breaths.  A-Sop
under complete control prepared to meet the next arrival.  Those closest to the two
lovely ladies remarked later that A-Sop mumbled something like, "Why does it always
have to be you?  Why for once can't that happen to me?"
     Many were surprised as the next one to pull up was not a normal carriage but a
white painted boxed wagon.  With no doors on the side, the driver dropped down and
went to the back and seemed to be fumbling with a large lock.  After a few seconds
the driver opened the back door and helped the occupant to the street.  A huge cheer
rang out from the crowd as everyone recognized their favorite leather-chewing,
booger-eating, incoherent madman Creepster.  Again the many signs started waving;
Creepster rocks, Creepster the greatest, Crazy rules, Manager Sucks.  During all the
screaming the wagon continued to spit forth bodies.  The next to step down was Dr.
Slugbait GPMS/ENT and practicing without a license psychologist.  As Slugbait moved
up to Creepster's arm, the next body came into view.  A tiny mousey looking
individual with huge horn-rimmed glasses scampered to catch up with the two famed
managers; this could only be "the scribe".  Of course everyone knew that Creepster
was never without his mouthpiece.  "the scribe" not only translated the Creepster's
gibberish, he also spouted bias stories and blatant propaganda in the fish wrapper
know as the Aradi Free Press.
     For whatever reason the public couldn't get enough of the blathering idiot.
Young and old stretched out against the ropes to touch the mental messiah.  A-Sop was
readily commenting on the outfits both were wearing.  It seemed Creepster had decided
to wear an off-white canvas straight-jacket accented with numerous chew marks and
slobber stains.  His pants were of a thin cotton cloth with a sewn in draw string to
hold them tight.  The shoes were a fashion statement of scuffed brown with the laces
removed, causing the inbred imbecile to shuffle along.  No outfit could be complete
without proper headwear, and Creepster sported a snug fitting leather harness that
had numerous hoops and snaps for a multitude of restraint options.  His partner for
this TOGS contest and full time crazy-sitter Slugbait walked along side Creepster
steering him up the walkway.  Slugbait was attired in a grayish green pull over v-
neck top with matching pants.  He wore a sandal like shoe that was elevated somewhat
and had numerous round holes across the top.  He had flowered print beanie on his
head and a square mask pulled tight over his mouth.  Slugbait accessorized his look
with a shinny stethoscope around his neck, numerous clear rubber gloves stuffed in
his back pocket, fifteen pens and pencils in his top pocket, and his pants pockets
bulging with a various supply of medical equipment.  Slugbait did carry a small
smooth stick that was covered with teeth marks which he kept waving in front of
     By the time the trio had reached the two gorgeous ladies, Editor had found her
composure and asked Creepster, "It is wonderful to see you were allowed.err...able to
make this dinner in honor of last years TOGS.  Considering your close finish last
year, how do you feel your chances are this year with a new partner?"
     "Yowers kapplot likkel dowersree.  Ipperesta mannaggersa cerseept annn
whooperses, eyeeea breedle bopper ta doppe," Creepster calmly replied.  Both A-Sop
and Editor stood there mystified at what was just said.
     "What the lord of gibberish said was.  Thanks for the welcome.  Without Manager
holding me back, I guarantee you a win," the scribe stepped up to clarify.
     "Well Slugbait it seems that Creepster has a lot of confidence in you as a
partner to make such a strong statement," A-Sop switched managers.
     "In my professional opinion, I find it hard to believe that Creepster has a
enormous amount of confidence in my limited abilities.  I do however feel that his
limited communications with me has led me to believe that Creepster feels he can win
this with a educated primate.  So as to me being a contributing partner, I believe he
was looking for someone to concentrate on the matches and not on how to mesmerize the
masses," Slugbait answered.
     "Kipper roskie fasstra queepery hoowser razzmatazz lacklily oberrastel,"
Creepster ranted as slobber began to flow down his chin.  Slugbait moved fast as he
slipped the smooth wooden stick into Creepster's mouth and steered him on inside.
     A-Sop reached out and stopped the scribe, "What did he say before he went into
     "Basically he was venting his frustrations about all the drama and conspiracy
theories that keep them from winning twice.  Of course that is in my words but close
enough," the scribe called back as he tried to catch up with his master.

          + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ -- Anti-Crib Notes -- ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

The following are notes from Anti's TOGS notebook.  In order to fit in the his fellow
FONZ non-alliance mates Anti has compiled data in order to get an advantage over his
opponents.  Yeah, like that will help.  Anyway here they are:

Team Haunted Pasta

- That Haunt guy seems to know me, but I'm pretty sure I don't know any ghosts.
Ghosts are scary.  Snotman says he has a lot of skeletons in his closet and that Nuln
should come out of the closet, whatever that means...so maybe Nuln would know
something about ghosts or skeletons or something.  I should ask him.
- How do you get to be a General of pasta?  Something to do with eating a lot of meat
balls?  Sucking down wet noodles?

The Paulson Army of Champions

- Death Stud said their name is ironic like calling Samwise "slim" or Manager
"macho."  Death Stud sure knows a lot for a guy always getting chased around by a
bald guy and his cat.
- I think it's great that Pauly would team up with is Dad.  Weird thing is though
when I told that to Soultaker he asked why Pauly would team up with the mailman.
Must be the senile dementia kicking in or something.

Team S&M

- Hmmm I wonder if Manager's team scraping the bottom of the team barrel is part of
some master collusion plan.  He's tricky like that.  I bet he plans to lull us with
ineptitude right until he unleashes his mighty fury!  Or maybe he's just a blowhard.
- Is S&M supposed to mean something else?  Seems like it does, why else bother with
that name?  Maybe I should ask Ed.  Or maybe not, last time I saw her she was
sharpening the points on a really big mace while saying something about making
"Indimar Soup."
- I wonder if Seraphim ever has to stand by a pool spitting out water...seems to be a
big thing amongst the cherubs.

Team Killer Wedgies

- Ugh, I don't want to think about how hard a wedgie would have to be to actually
kill someone.

- They say Mannequin is the type to really try and kill everyone his warriors
fight...which seems pretty stressful.  He should do what Fonz does and only really
try to kill the warriors in his own non-alliance.  That's normal for an alliance


- Huh, I think I may have run out of short jokes.
- Dang, I'm out of senile old geezer jokes too.
- Bald jokes?  Yep, fresh out.
- Hmmm...will have to go watch "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and see if I can
get some new ones.  Dang it.

Team Motor City Madmen

- Does Hammer speak in some sort of code?  I've tried to read his stuff like four
times now and all I get is a nosebleed and an urge to go to the hardware store.
- I wonder what happened to Street's first group of Best Buds?  Not enough lotion?

Team Lurocian Demons

- Original name there, must have taken those two rocket surgeons three days and a
team of monkeys wearing lab coats to come up with it.
- I hear EMT's use Rillion dolls to train people in CPR.  Heh.

Team Chocolate Fudge Monkey Express

- AKA "Team look at me look at ME!  Without constant attention I.WILL.DIE."  I like
fudge though.
- I kinda like "Team Pip in the Darque" too.
- I think a lot of things are better with some pip.  But maybe not that type.


- I hear they went with collusion after the Creepster couldn't find a proper synonym
for his other favorite word "C.O.L.O.N.O.S.C.O.P.Y."
- Don't know much about this Slugbait fella, but if he's teaming with Consortium he
is probably into bingo, bran intake and checking the sky to make sure it is intact
and not, as some may fret over, be currently falling.
- Wow, that was a long and unnecessary way of saying Creeper is old and complains a
lot.  I feel like Hammer now.


- With a name that mature and witty, it's a surprise Nuln hasn't used all the entry
fees on "Skee-Ball."
- I teamed with Snotsguy once.  I also tried Pepsi Blue once.  But involved puking
and crying in the shower.

Team Mixed Up Philosophers

- Who are these guys?  Are they even in the TOGS?
- Oh yeah, so they are.  Yep.  They are in it.  Yep.  Sure are.  Yeah baby.
- I got nothing.

The French Bread Connection

- Not sure if I should really pick on em, pretty much everyone but that chipmunk in
the back yard with the crippling back injury has kicked their behinds.  And he's got
his ticket and is waiting his turn.
- But at least you help Manager feel better about himself.
- Why did you think a french team would do well?!

Team Punk in Drublic

- Wow, these jokers are doing great.  Too bad they'll have to lay down like a persian
tiger rug for Soultaker and Death Stud soon.
- Oh I get it now!  The first letters of those two words are switched!  HA HA HA!  So
I was NOT having a stroke!  Yay!
- Ugh, I need to just write a traditional spot and try to sneak naughty words past
Ed. like everyone else.  Bleh.

 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ A Day in the Life of an Aradi Yokel, Part 3 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[
                                     by Rillion

     We interrupt this regular installment of the A Day in the Life of an Aradi Yokel
to bring you this special update on an ongoing crisis at the Demon of Darkness
     Rillion sat at his desk working his way through the stacks of Gladiatorial
Commission paperwork that had accumulated during the week.  In between filling out
forms he would pop a deep fried scrod, hmmm, umm, how to say this without it coming
out as a double entendre, spherical chunk of meat?, yeah that will do.  While chewing
on a deep fried spherical chunk of scrod, he came across a form that caused him to
start choking the spherical chunk of scrod, it was a note from the Gladiatorial
Commission Control and Compliance Group stating that Rillion and the Demons of
Darkness 2 Guild was selected for an Audit.  Unfortunately for Rillion last week he
had set a plate of Sweet and Salty Scrod, crud, err...egg shaped pastries, on top of
the note last week without reading it.  So he only had an hour to prepare.  In a
panic he started rushing around his office gathering up all the illegally obtained
information he had gotten on the warriors of the various other TOGS teams.  Then took
those papers and wadded them up into, argh, not again, umm, he wadded them into fist
sized globe shaped objects, then threw them in the fireplace.
     Next he started sorting through the purchasing requisitions for his golems.  He
couldn't remember which ones he had gotten from a Gladiatorial Commission Accredited
Golem Manufacturer and which ones he had obtained on the golem blackmarket.  After a
quick review of the papers he sighed a sigh of sighful relief, then cursed for all
the current members of the guild were legal golems.  No wonder he did not stand a
chance this TOGS, his squad was not stacked with superior golems but with the cra,
err, cruddy mediocre normal model golems.  Well at least that was in order.  Next he
rushed out of his office and to the supply room.  It took most of the remaining hour
before the Auditors showed up to clean the supply room out of all the illegal items
there.  It would not do to have his team disqualified for using enchanted weapons and
armor or to have the Auditors find the stash of poison.  When the Auditors arrived
Rillion was confident he had all the incrementing items cleaned up and would pass
with flying colors.
     A week later then the Auditors report arrived Rillion was surprised to discover
that the Gladitorial Commission Compliance and Control Group had given him a
Unsatisfactory Rating.  It seems that rather then be concerned about catching
cheating, they had focused on the conditions under which he housed his golems.
Rillion shook his head in disbelief as he vented, "Considering my golems are treated
better than the Dark Arena monsters under the Commission's jurisdiction I can't
believe they cited me for this.  That certainly takes...."

       + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ "The Great Aradi Egg Hunt" ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "What have you gotten us into this time, Samwise?" said Mannequin.  He smoothed
his clothing down with his furry hands.  "We look ridiculous," he said.
     "Hey, you are the one who wanted wear the bunny rabbit costume," said Samwise.
He held his arms up and flapped his wings.  "I offered to let you have my baby chick
costume instead and you didn't want it.  It was that or the lamb costume."
     "No way in heck am I going to wear a lamb's costume.  This is Aradi!  There are
some seriously sick people around here.  You don't know what might happen to a guy
dressed like that," said Mannequin.
     "All right then, let it rest," said Samwise.
     "OK, but I still don't know why you feel it's necessary that we wear these silly
costumes for an egg hunt," said Mannequin.  He reached down and picked up the ribbon-
laced basket that had been sitting near his feet.  "Exactly what are we supposed to
do anyway?" he asked.
     They were standing just outside of the main gate leading into Aradi from the
countryside.  Rolling green hills and croplands were proof that winter had run its
course and spring was in the air.  The highest of Aradi's mountain peaks could be
seen in the distance bathed by the morning sunlight.
     "The Great Aradi Egg Hunt is an ancient tradition.  Its origins can be traced to
a time of famine when Aradi's earliest settlers had to rely on the ocean for all
their sustenance.  Someone suggested they should work together to scour the
countryside in search of what food they could find.  In those days the island was
crawling with many different species of birds who used the island as a nesting
ground.  So they picked a nice spring day and raided every bird's nest they could
find of their eggs.  This went on for many years.  Eventually, there weren't enough
nests left to supply enough eggs for a decent hunt.  Luckily for the people of Aradi
hunger wasn't an issue.  Through trading, chickens had been brought in from the
mainland to supply the people with eggs.  The lack of natural eggs didn't end the
tradition.  Instead, the people chose to use chicken eggs.  They hid them in the
grassy fields surrounding the city and dyed them bright colors so that they would be
easier to find.  They made wicker baskets and decorated them with colored ribbons to
carry the eggs they found.  Nowadays, it's just the kids who go egg hunting.  Today's
hunt is differnet.  It's a charity fundraiser to support children in the gladitorial
community who have been orphaned."  He eyed his partner, "I would think you would be
interested in helping the cause, seeing as you are responsible for some of them
finding themselves in the situation they are in," he said.
     "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about," Mannequin sniffed.  "So how
does this work?  Do we get paid for each egg we find, or what?" he asked.
     Samwise pointed to a  nearby field. "See where those people are gathering?", he
said.  "We will walk over there and join them.  When everyone is ready the people
organizing the hunt will give the signal to begin.  The team that finds the most eggs
wins and has a donation made in their names to their favorite orphanage.  The team
that finds the largest egg wins a golden egg trophy.  It's a prestigious award.
Anyone who has won it has spent years boasting of their victory."
     "All right, let's get this over with.  I'm already getting hot and itchy," said

     The oddly dressed teammates slowly made their way to the field hosting the egg
hunt.  It seemed most everyone else who had been invited to participate was already
there.  The Greek Guy and Rillion had come prepared.  They had brought a small cart
with them.  It was loaded with boxes and boxes of egg cartons.  Snotman and Nuln came
prepared, too.  Snotman had brought a large potato sack and Nuln seemed to be using
an extra Chaos helm (tm) as a basket.  A large group of managers were gathered around
Death Stud and Soultaker, who was explaining the odd looking pants he was wearing.
     "They look like ordinary sweatpants.  But they're not.  They are made from the
same material as a "Bag of Holding".  You would be surprised how much stuff you can
stuff down your pants while you're wearing these things.  The best thing is that it
doesn't slow you down at all.  I could shove every egg on Aradi in there and still
have room for desert," he boasted.
     Manager was standing by himself a short distance away.  There was no sign of his
partner, Seraphim.  He seemed to be studying a map and checking his watch, as though
he were waiting for something.  The Creepster and Slugbait were pacing back and forth
near a line painted in the grass.  There was a sense of eagerness in their eyes and
they were drooling uncontrollably.  Neither one of them seemed to have brought
anything with them to carry eggs.

     "Gentlemen, may I have your attention," said the man running the contest.  "At
my signal, you will have half an hour to find as many eggs as you can.  The team that
gathers the most eggs will be recognized as this year's winner, and the team that
finds the largest egg will win the golden egg trophy."
     He held up a flag.  "On your mark, get set, GO!" he shouted and wildly waved the
     Nearly everyone tore off into the field at high speed.  Some seemed to have a
plan and searched the field systematically; others ran to-and-fro between likely
looking hiding spots.  Mannequin stayed near the starting line; he watched his
partner run willy-nilly about the field.  The old saying, "Running around like a
chicken with its head cut off," somehow seemed appropriate as he watched his partner
Samwise.  He picked up an egg here and there in between the moments he was running
into people as he madly dashed he was through the field.  Sighing over the stupidity
of it all, Mannequin strode forward a few steps and spotted an egg lying in the
grass.  He placed it in his basket and walked back to the starting line.
     Mannequin was surprised to see Manager standing nearby watching the action.  He
made his way to him and said, "Why aren't you looking for eggs?"
     Manager grinned at him with a knowing smile.  "I've got it all under control,"
he said.
     "How's that?" said Mannequin.
     "Finding eggs is like winning TV's--anyone can do that.  Finding the biggest egg
is like TCing a tourney; or winning TOGS.  That's what I'm all about," he said.
     "Uhh, how do you plan on doing that while you're standing there?" asked
     "I've got it covered," said Manager.  "I told Seraphim where he could find the
largest eggs on the island.  He left early this morning.  He should be back any
minute now."
     "Isn't that cheating?" said Mannequin.
     "No," replied Manager, "There isn't anything in the rules that says you can't do
a little scouting prior to the contest as long as you don't bring the eggs with you."
     Mannequin shook his head.  "Sounds like a loophole to me.  I don't think sending
your partner out to gather eggs ahead of time is keeping with the intent of the
      "You're just saying that because you didn't think of it first," he replied.

     It didn't take long for the egg hunting to turn into an all out brawl.  The
Greek Guy and Rillion had easily gathered the most eggs.  They showed tremendous
teamwork as they carefully worked the field and filled their cart.  Just as they
seemed to near their goal of filling the cart they noticed that some of the eggs they
had placed inside of it earlier were missing.  As they left the cart to gather more
eggs they turned back and saw Death Stud worm his way out from his hiding spot
beneath the cart.  He gathered as many eggs as he could carry in his short, stubby
arms and ran off pell mell towards his partner, Soultaker.  The Greek Guy and Rillion
took off after him in hot pursuit.  Screaming at the top of his lungs for help, Death
Stud ran as fast as his spindly little legs could carry him.  Grabbing his pants by
the waistband, Soultaker pulled them open as far as he could.  Death Stud jumped head
first into his pants and disappeared just as Rillion was about to catch him.
     "Too late!" Soultaker triumphantly cried.
     Quick as a snake, Rillion shoved his hands down Soultaker's pants and squeezed
hard.  "Gotcha!" he shouted.
     "Leggo!" Soultaker whined as he dropped to his knees.  He feebly tried to keep
Rillion from rifling through his trousers in search of his missing eggs.
     The commotion drew everyone's attention and they gave up their search for
undiscovered eggs in order to concentrate on stealing the unattended eggs of those
involved in the brawl.  As the free for all dragged on no one noticed Seraphim sneak
through the field bearing a large backpack.  He made it to the staging area just as
the signal to stop the egg gathering was given.

     It took a few minutes for the contest organizers to separate the teams and begin
the counts.  The Greek Guy and Rillion were able to recover many of the eggs Death
Stud had stolen.  Unfortunately for them, most of their eggs were stolen by the other
teams while they showed Soultaker a good time.  The Creepster and Slugbait didn't
have anything to show for their efforts for they ate any egg they found.  In the end,
there were too many teams with a similar number of eggs to declare anyone a winner.

     There was an exception.  Manager was beside himself with excitement as he
accepted the golden egg trophy for the largest egg.  Seraphim had returned with an
egg the size of a large pumpkin.  Manager stood atop it, waving his trophy at the
crowd.  "It's mine, it's mine!" he cried.
     Alas, the theft of the giant egg had not gone unnoticed.  What he didn't see was
the dark form streaking at him from behind.  A deafening shriek, a shower of blood
and feathers, and he was gone.

     "Well," said someone in the crowd, "at least we won't have to listen to him
remind us how he won the golden egg trophy for years to come."

******  Mannequin **************

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
        -----     -----     -----    Death Stud    -----     -----     -----

     "Where is everyone?" Death Stud asked his faithful assistant.
     "Why, the entire FONZ is here as you commanded, Master Stud."  Soultaker
adjusted the cape over his grotesque humpback in a none too subtle plot device
designed to draw attention to his hideous, obsequious toady status.
     "Are you sure?  This isn't the complete group, is it?  I said that I wanted all
of the people who were supposedly part of the Nefarious TOGS V & VI Anti-Manager
Collusion Cabal."  (That's NTVVAMCC for short, and you can remember it by using the
handy mnemonic of Not Tiny Vessels Vorpal Ambulatory Mangled Cliftoferous
     Soultaker grimaced and cowered at the obvious displeasure in Death Stud's voice.
"But Master, all of the FONZ is here and I was not sure who else I was supposed to
     Death Stud had to give Soultaker credit on that one and admit that it was
difficult to see deep into the paranoid recesses of Manager's brain to assess what
mad conspiracies he imagined all around him and what swirling schemes and plots may
have involved what persons in his eyes.  "Well, if we are going to earn some of his
distrust and form an alli... an al..." well, you know, the word that must not be
named, "if we are going to form one of those things to band together and get Seraphim
out of the TOGS, we need to do it right and we must have all of the master colluders
with us!"
     Flipping his anachronistically annoying cell phone open dramatically, Death Stud
declared, "I shall query the one and only person with the clarity of mind to
understand the riddle and mystery of the Nefarious TOGS V & VI Anti-Manager Collusion
Cabal."  He boldly selected the number from his 'speed dials' and put the phone to
his ear.  "Yes, Manager, 'tis I, Death Stud.  I need to talk to...  Why yes, I do
have another phone here.  What?  This line isn't safe?  Yes, I do have another phone
I could use.  OK, you're going to call me back on that line.  All right then."  Death
Stud flipped his phone closed and went over to the hallway where the landline phone
was.  It rang once and he answered, "Hello again, Manager.  So, as I was saying, I
really need to ask you--um, yes I can call you back from another phone."  Death Stud
went to the kitchen and redialed the number again.  "Right, Manager, so here's what I
need to know..."
     Soultaker shifted his humpback from the left shoulder to the right and grinned
     Death Stud was feverishly taking notes from Manager and motioned for Soultaker
to come hither.  "So, Manager, you say that Mannequin is an accomplice and he should
be here?"  Death Stud turned and whispered to Soultaker to fetch Mannequin.  "And
Elephant, too."  More motioning and whispering from Death Stud to Soultaker.  "All
right, is that it?  Now, we have the Junior FONZ Auxiliary members here, too.  Yes,
that's right, Indimar and Pauly.  Do they count?  OK, thought so.  What is that about
Shaman (Farmer boB) and his partner?  They don't count?  Nor Anti and Flagg either?
Why are those guys all being excluded?  Oh.  Uh-huh.  All right.  No, you're right.
I'm sorry, settle down.  Understood.  It IS your fantasy after all and I guess you
can exclude whoever doesn't fit your crazy, paranoid, marginally psychotic,
manipulative little theories.  No, you are correct, it certainly isn't my place
whatsoever to question your logic.  I am most certainly in the wrong.  Well thank
you.  Yes, I will, and you too.  OK, buh-bye."
     By the time Death Stud had hung up with the Viceroy of Villainy, somehow
Elephant and Mannequin had been summoned already and the FONZ MP's were escorting
Shaman (Farmer boB) and Anti out of the Nefarious TOGS V & VI Anti-Manager Collusion
Cabal secret headquarters.  Shaman threw back a Cartmanesque "Screw you guys, I'm
going home" on his way out and was gone in a hurry, but Anti was blubbering and had
thrown himself on the ground.  "Wuhaaaa, I don't believe how unfair this is!  I knew
you guys didn't want me here anyway.  MOMMY!!!  Come get me, mommy, I'm out of
underwear and I just hate it here!"  The FONZ MP's got him by each limb and ejected
him quickly from the premises.
     Now that Death Stud had just the core members of the NTVVAMCC Nefarious TOGS V &
VI Anti-Manager Collusion Cabal, he explained his simple, yet brilliant, plan to get
Seraphim out of the TOGS thereby crushing the last flicker of life from Manager's
shriveled little heart and utterly destroying his spirit once and for all.
     "So, Seraphim is coming in on one of the frigates that are due to port next
week.  We all know that he's shipping in on the USS Sycophant as a seaman <Snotman
turns to Nuln and snickers 'huh-huh, huh, he said seaman'> and is coming to Aradi to
try to save Manager from failing at the TOGS again.  Of course, we can't allow this
to happen.  There is no way that we are going to let Manager and some neophyte seamen
<*huh-huh, huh, he said seaman*> wrest control of the TOGS from the iron-clad FONZ
dominance that we have exerted with the combined might of our collusionary collusion
colluders.  My plan is that we go down to the Aradi docks disguised as local seaman
<*huh-huh, seaman*> and intercept this truckler when he arrives.  We will convince
Seraphim the seaman <*huh-huh, seaman*> that he got the city wrong when he wrote it
down and that his patron is ACTUALLY in Arvat.  Or something like that anyway.  By my
thinking the actual reason given doesn't matter much as seaman <*huh-huh, seaman*>
are pretty good at bootlicking and buttkissing but really aren't that smart."
     Death Stud looked around and noted that no one had fallen asleep yet, so he took
that as a sign of their agreement and proceeded forward with his plans.  "OK, Indimar
and Pauly, you guys head down to the docks to intercept the USS Sycophant and turn
Seraphim around when the ship comes to port and releases its seaman <*huh-huh,
seaman*>.  Take Mannequin with you and if Seraphim gives you any lip or doesn't seem
to be buying the story, just let Mannequin take care of him.  But please try not to
get blood splatters all over the NTVVAMCC Nefarious TOGS V & VI Anti-Manager
Collusion Cabal uniforms like you did last time, OK?"
     As Indimar, Pauly, and Mannequin left to execute their instructions, Death Stud
leaned back in the chair, hands behind his head, and smiled to himself.  He loved it
when a great plan came together.  Heck, with that foolproof plan, and those three in
charge of making it happen, what could possibly go wrong?

        + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Pip's subpar spotlight #3 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                      By:  Pip

     Pip paced back and forth.  "We just aren't performing well enough." Pip said to 
Darque, "The warriors are just missing something, I'm not sure what, but I know they
are missing something."
     "Maybe they need sharper weapons." said Darque, "Their opponents just don't seem
to go down fast enough, they need more oomph in their weapons."
     "Hmmmmm," thought Pip, "I did mix in that batch of dulled tourney weapons when I
packed up all my junk and came over here".
     "I'm gonna head down to Crazey Pauly's House of weapons, and pick us up some
fresh, sharp, deadly weapons," announced Pip.
     "Well be careful," said Darque, "Crazy Pauly has that chainsaw he uses to slash
prices, and he's highly unstable."
     Pip walked out and headed towards Crazy Pauly's.  Like most FONZ outlets, it was
on the shadier side of town, filled with thugs and unkind people.  Other than almost
stepping in a steaming pile of FONZ doo, Pip's trip was uneventful.
     He walked up to the front door of the establishment, which was actually an
inflateable fort.  He thought, "Quite odd to use an inflatable building to sell sharp
pointy things."  Pip looked around a bit, but found only shoddy second hand weapons.
     "Hey, where's the good stuff?" asked Pip.
     "Right here, behind the c-c-c-counter." said Pauly, who often stuttered like a
crazed fool when in the presence of greatness, which is how he got his nickname.
     Pip looked, and saw the finest weapon he'd ever seen.  "Wow, how much for the
uber scimitar there?" He asked Pauly, who was begining to drool profusely.
     "10,000 Aradi Dollars," answered Pauly.
     "Wow, that's a little steep." said Pip.
     "Well it is a fine weapon, you need to pay for the good stuff," answered Pauly.
     "Can you cut me a deal on it?" asked Pip.
     "No way, its already barely above my price." answered Pauly.
     Pip looked around for a minute and thought it over, while checking out some of
the other merchandise.
     "How much for the burglary tools?" asked Pip, pointing to a nice set of burglary
     "Those there, they are 300 Aradi Dollars." answered Pauly, "The finest tools for
breaking and entering ever made."
     "All right, sold." Said Pip, and pulled out his wad of cash, and paid Pauly.
     "Thank you, come again." Said Pauly.
     "Oh, I will," said Pip, "What time do you close?"
     "At about 9 o'clock," answered Pauly.
     "Excellent," said Pip, "Thank you very much."
     Pip walked back to the office, and put the tools down on his desk.
     "Those are funny looking weapons," said Darque, "Are these gladitorial commision
     "Those aren't the weapons," answered Pip. "I have to go pick them up later."
     "When?" asked Darque, "The fights are tommorow."
     "Right after he leaves...er I mean around 10," answered Pip.

Definately not to be continued.............

Bonus little known TOGS fact:

Manager won the first TOGs.  I think.  Or was it the second?  Someone refresh my
memory.  Been so long since he's been relevant in a TOGS I just can't remember.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
        -----     -----     -----    Death Stud    -----     -----     -----

     A couple of notes about last turn as well as the TOGS totals so far and last
turn's fight.  I noticed that we had three down challenges, all of the smallish
variety.  Two of the down challengers lost, so I thought that was interesting.  A
down-challenge only makes sense if you win it!

Down 1, THE AFRICAN QUEEN was vanquished by MCSCROD in a 1 minute Bloodfeud.
Down 1, ZIG-ZAG MAN was defeated by TIGER TY in a 2 minute veteran's Challenge.
Down 4, POKE IN THE I demolished LEATHAM in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge.

     We also have a couple of even challenges coming from Sha'londa, Jayson Dade, and
Overtime.  Definitely a strategy that can have some use, but always tough to limit
yourself to 7 points if you win.
     Note a change this TOGS in scoring how challenges to the DM are scored.  In
previous TOGS, I scored strictly by points, which means if a warrior had more points
than the DM, it was technically scored as a down challenge.  With the extra 10 points
that we issued previously, it was kind of a non-issue, especially because it is not a
common circumstance.  But when it came up last time out, there were a lot of people
who said that as far as they were concerned a challenge to the DM was ALWAYS an up
challenge no matter what.  I can see where people are coming from on that, but didn't
change it last year to avoid a mid-stream change.  This year and moving forward,
challenges to the DM will always be scored as an up challenge.  I am happy that the
first warrior affected by this was not mine since I forgot to bring it up earlier.
     There were NO challenges into the TOGS by non-TOGS teams after we had a couple
the first turn, so I want to officially thank all the teams that are not
participating in the TOGS for being respectful of the contest.  I know that it can be
tough to find challenges, and we sincerely thank you for not challenging into the
contest.  And there were was only one matchup between managers on the same team this
turn after having quite a large number last turn.  Unfortunately it was between
Soultaker and myself for the second turn in a row.  It totally sucks, even if you do
get 4 points for it now, so I'm happy (kinda) that it didn't happen to anyone else.
     I must point out that Manager went ultra-sneaky this turn.  After killing
Soultaker's warrior in turn one with Pesmerga, he not only ducked four turns of
potential bloodfeud by replacing Pesmerga with his warrior back from the tourney of
the dead, but he got RSI to remove the warrior from the team without having to take
the hit by DAing the warrior.  I must say that is a move that even Death Stud can be
proud of and I want to salute Manager for having being so willing to throw his morals
to the curb to stick it to someone else and to eek out a few more points to give
himself a better chance at competing.  Now the truly humorous part about this is that
you normally have to wait for Karma to get back at someone, but not in this case.
Karma reached out and smote Manager in the VERY SAME TURN he pulled his trick by
erasing his partner Seraphim entirely for the turn with no fights, no spotlight, and
no ads.  Ah, that is delicioso.  (And Manager, I do hope that Seraphim can
participate as fully as he can and that you stick around.  As much crap as you get
[and deserve], and as much crap as you start, it just wouldn't be the same without
     And Mannequin got his first kill of the TOGS this time out, so I just want to
say, "What took you so damned long?"
     Have a good one out this time out.  May all the teams above us crash and burn

          --Death Stud

T437 TOGS totals
                                                  TOTAL Turn 2 Turn 2 Turn 2
TEAM                                              POINTS    Fights  Spots   Ads
--------- -------------------------------------  ----------------- ------ ------
TEAM 8      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >    133        58     10
  Punk in Drublic
  Hombre (Dreamtime) & Elephant (GenX Perfect Hits)
TEAM 10     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >    126        55      5
  Killer Wedgies
  Mannequin (Fruit of the Loom) & Samwise (Childhood Trauma)
TEAM 5      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >    116        57     10
  Lurocian Demons
  The Greek Guy (Lurocians T308) & Rillion (Demons of Darkness 2)
TEAM 7      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >    113        45     10
  Death Stud (Death Studs VII) & Soultaker (Eloquent Knights)
TEAM 2      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >    101        46     10
  Slugbait (The Eyes Have It) & Creepster (Crazy Creeps)
TEAM 4      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >     92        38     10     -5
  Chocolate Fudge Monkey Express
  Pip the Troll (Hit Me With...) & Master Darque (Devil's Workshop)
TEAM 3      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >     83        28     10
  The Paulson Army of Champions
  Indimar (Wing Hove) & Pauly (The Bunkhouse)
TEAM 13     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >     80        38     10
  Team Monkey FIST
  Flagg (My Present) & Anti (TPW Forever)
TEAM 12     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >     77        21      5     -5
  Team S&M
  Seraphim (Villainous Legion) & Manager (Superior Forces 1601)
TEAM 11     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >     75        42     10
  Haunted Pasta
  General Ironcide (Pastafarians) & Haunt (Pure Evil)
TEAM 1      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >     72        14     10
  Snotman (Wild Cards) & Nuln (400 Blows)
TEAM 6      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >     69        21     10
  Motor City Madmen
  Street Legal (My Best Buds 2) & Hammer (No Hammer Hammerz)
TEAM 14     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >     68        25     10
  Mixed Up Philosophers
  TigToad (Greco-Roman) & Zalgor Prigg (CLNGE)
TEAM 9      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >     44        24     10
  The French Bread Connection
  SwineTiger (House of Grain) & LePentarque (La Boulange)


WARRIOR:                                      WARRIOR:            WINNER: PNTS:

--  TEAM 1  --  NUTSACKZ
THE AFRICAN QUEEN   was vanquished by         MCSCROD             TEAM 1   7
HARD CIDER              slaughtered           ARCHIMEDES          TEAM 1      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  14

THE RIDDLER             overpowered           WEEZY DANG          TEAM 2   10
SHEEPY THOMPSON     was outwaited by          PRIVATE EYE         TEAM 2   7
SHA'LONDA           was vanquished by         EVIL AYE            TEAM 2   7
POKE IN THE I           demolished            LEATHAM             TEAM 2   4
MORGAN LEAH         was narrowly killed by    MISS PIGGY          TEAM 2   7
WHITE WITCH             viciously subdued     HOFFA               TEAM 2      4
IJEOOGI             was unbelievably bested bySENTINEL            TEAM 2      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  46

--  TEAM 3  --  The Paulson Army of Champions
ZIG-ZAG MAN         was defeated by           TIGER TY            TEAM 3   7
ZOMBIELUST          was overpowered by        WEKA DART           TEAM 3   7
PANAMON                 bested                CHONDROMALACIA      TEAM 3      7
JOHNNY FOURHOOVES       viciously subdued     PINK I              TEAM 3      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  28

--  TEAM 4  --  Chocolate Fudge Monkey Express
I OWN INDIMAR           lost to               FLICKED BOOGERS     TEAM 4   7
SHMEGMA                 vanquished            FEZ                 TEAM 4   10
GUNPOWDER               defeated              GHNSGFI             TEAM 4      7
IICERGS                 lost to               HOLOCAUST           TEAM 4      7
LUCKY CHARMS            won victory over      TAKE ANOTHER SHOT   TEAM 4      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  38

--  TEAM 5  --  Lurocian Demons
VENREK                  slimly won victory oveJACK THE RIPPER     TEAM 5   10
TYVEK                   overpowered           AIMLESS             TEAM 5   10
DOUBLE D            was overpowered by        GAZREK              TEAM 5   7
VENGRAZ                 overpowered           KELLY FABULOUS      TEAM 5   10
DARIUS                  savagely defeated     I EYE               TEAM 5   10
JOHNNY                  unbelievably bested   PICK OF DESTINY     TEAM 5   10
                                                                  -TOTAL:  57

--  TEAM 6  --  Motor City Madmen
PEACH FUZZ          was overcome by           HAWAIIAN KONA       TEAM 6   7
TEMPE FACER SCROD       subdued               LOST BREAD          TEAM 6      7
SCARLET ABATTOIR        overpowered           ARISTOTLE           TEAM 6      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  21

--  TEAM 7  --  THREE-PEAT
DUNNO               was handily defeated by   WRATH LIX           TEAM 7   7
HOWLER XIII             handily defeated      MONKEY PAW          TEAM 7   10
ACIDULOUS               unbelievably bested   RESPECT THE PACKAGE TEAM 7   10
LOKI IX             was overpowered by        ODALISQUE           TEAM 7      4
RETRIBUTION XXIX        won victory over      BUSTED NUTS         TEAM 7      7
FGGMOGO             was defeated by           HARUSPEX            TEAM 7      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  45

--  TEAM 8  --  Punk in Drublic
DAY BY DAY              devastated            WARM PIRATE         TEAM 8   10
SPIRITWALKER            beat                  VIKI                TEAM 8   10
DEAD ALIVE          was vanquished by         WILD YOUTH          TEAM 8   7
EDIE                    defeated              CHALLAH POINT       TEAM 8   10
CRUCIFIED           was handily defeated by   SISTER MOON         TEAM 8   7
STAR                    defeated              BLACK DEATH         TEAM 8      7
LUC                 was beaten by             KING ROCKER         TEAM 8      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  58

--  TEAM 9  --  The French Bread Connection
L'APPRENTI              overpowered           BEAST XVII          TEAM 9   10
EQUIPOLLENT         was overpowered by        MAITRE BOULANGER    TEAM 9   7
SCORN BREAD             bested                READY, STEADY, GO   TEAM 9      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  24

--  TEAM 10  --  Killer Wedgies
BURNT OFFERINGS         overpowered           EDWARD KINGSLEY     TEAM 10  10
B.C. GOLD           was demolished by         COCO NUTS           TEAM 10  7
STITCHES                handily defeated      PAR                 TEAM 10  10
TWIG                    overpowered           TAXMAN              TEAM 10  10
100 PUNKS           was demolished by         BOY GEORGE          TEAM 10  7
911                     handily defeated      3D'S NOT L33T       TEAM 10     7
PLUM                    subdued               HAPPY PEASANT       TEAM 10     4
                                                                  -TOTAL:  55

--  TEAM 11  --  Haunted Pasta
OVERTIME                unbelievably bested   WILD FLOWER         TEAM 11  7
SHAUN OF THE DEAD   was murdered by           THE EX              TEAM 11  7
MASTER EXPLODER     was handily defeated by   FUSILLI JERRY       TEAM 11  7
TOWEL BOY           was vanquished by         VENGANZA            TEAM 11     7
SHRIVELLED PRUNE    was beaten by             NYSTERIOUS WAYS     TEAM 11     7
PAPERCUT                assassinated          GERR                TEAM 11     7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  42

--  TEAM 12  --  Team S&M
PERFECT SNOTLING        handily defeated      SUGAR               TEAM 12  10
SUNSHINE                handily defeated      HENDRICK            TEAM 12     4
RYEHARD             was handily defeated by   STORM FIRE          TEAM 12     7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  21

--  TEAM 13  --  Team Monkey FIST
SETH DRAVEN             devastated            LE FOURNER          TEAM 13  10
JAYSON DAYDE            beat                  ICE CREAM SOLDIER   TEAM 13  7
TIFFERS                 savagely defeated     NIAGARA FALLS       TEAM 13  10
YELLOW JACKET       was demolished by         ALLAN JOHNSON       TEAM 13     4
T MARIE                 demolished            NOODLY APPENDIX     TEAM 13     7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  38

--  TEAM 14  --  Mixed Up Philosophers
SHAMIKA                 slimly lost to        SOCRATES            TEAM 14     7
GILMMAO                 subdued               DOUBLE CHOCOLAINE   TEAM 14     7
JONES               was vanquished by         GALILEO             TEAM 14     4
MANHATTAN PROJECT   was unbelievably bested byPLATO               TEAM 14      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  25

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
         -----     -----     -----    [Hammer]    -----     -----     -----

An Alternate Reality Stimulation
 TOGS Special Edition Number Three
  A Motor City MadMen Manuscript
   by Hammer the WordSmith

     Our story continues as Hammered made his way very cautiously into the Hockey
Clown Cafe as the veteran manager searched the premises for the Devolve manager known
far and wide in the All Starry Eyed realm as Street Lethal. All around the walls of
the Hockey Clown Cafe were to be found countless memorabilia exalting the
accomplishments of the mighty Dread Wings who were adored by the populace and masses
of Fort Adroit and the surrounding ruffian countryside. As Hammered surveyed the
surroundings and the variety of clientele patronizing the Hockey Clown Cafe, a
familiar commotion was heard at one of the back tables with Street Lethal right in
the middle of the action!
     Sure enough, Street Lethal was shouting and pontificating the virtues of his
beloved Dread Wings and lack thereof of one of his most hated ice opponents! Clad in
a spike studded black leather jacket with bicycle chains and wearing a hubcap helm,
the Devolve manager known far and wide in the All Starry Eyed realm as Street Lethal
was furiously waving his arms in every direction possible while spewing forth
poisonous barbs in response to one of the doubters who had little faith in the Dread
Wings chances for capturing the ice battle crown in the rounds following the regular
season. Hammered was quite amused as usual as the veteran manager pulled up a chair
at the table where Street Lethal was drinking round after round of Bitter Root Beer.
     As soon as Street Lethal had calmed down enough to realize that Hammered had
seated himself at his table, greetings were enthusiastically exchanged and the
obvious question was asked as to why the veteran manager known throughout the All
Starry Eyed realm as Hammered had found his way to Fort Adroit and specifically the
Hockey Clown Cafe.
     "I understand you have had some problems with the Gladiatorial Commission,"
Hammered grinned as Street Lethal scowled at the mention of the name. "I came here
seeking you specifically as a partner for the Tournament of the Silver Goat in the
All Righty Arena."
     Street Lethal just glared as he pounded the table to be served another round of
Bitter Root Beer. He was still steaming from the comments about his beloved Dread
Wings possibly choking in the tournament at the end of the regular season.
     "I took the liberty of having some gold coins delivered to the GC so you could
register your team for the TOSG competition," Hammered continued with a wry smile.
"Plus all the registration fees have been paid in advance to the TOSG sponsors for
the prize coffers!"
     "What makes you think I even want to bother with another contest," replied
Street Lethal after a long silence. "The GC are refusing to answer my requests for
the prize bonuses from the last contest we participated in where you and I and some
others won some enhancements for our gladiators in the Tarter Arena. Besides, some
managers want your head for challenging one of the warriors from your own contest
     Hammered acknowledged the fact that he had indeed sent a challenge from his
Ripper to another Ripper in the same alliance on a down challenge because the
downchallenged Ripper had  entered the contest later and picked up some wins against
a couple other Rippers [including one of Street Lethal's Rippers!] that were out of
reach for Hammered to challenge.
     When the new Ripper was within challenging distance Hammered had decided to see
which Ripper was the best of the two, knowing the winner would claim the style prize.
Fortunately the Hammered Ripper emerged victorious! Unfortunately the GC was claiming
no paperwork was filed by the contest sponsor declaring the winners and therefore no
enhancement prizes were authorized for distribution at the present time.
     Hammered was content knowing that his Ripper was the best Ripper in the contest
and Street Lethal was amused at all the uproar among the managers who thought that
fights between same styles should be confined to either challenging the Devolves or
Adorables. God forbid a Freebie should challenge another Freebie!
     This Devolve action from a well known Freebie manager such as Hammered was quite
enough for Street Lethal to consider the possibility of partnering with Hammered for
the TOSG competition, but there was not quite enough motivation for Street Lethal to
agree to come out of hiding at the Hockey Clown Cafe to participate in yet another
     Hammered slid a parchment listing the registered managers who were partnered for
the TOSG competition, noting that Hammered and Street Lethal were already included in
the registration for the big event.
     Street Lethal sipped thoughtfully at his Bitter Root Beer as he studied the
roster of registered managers who were confirmed for the TOSG contest registration
roll call.

Haunted Crowe and Marshall Cyanide
Insofar and Pauletta
Mongrel Dogg and Sear Flame
ManKiller and Samiche
Death Spud and Soul Faker
Hammered and Street Lethal
Riled One and The Greek Gut
Troll Pipe and Master Dank
The Crazy Crapster and SluggButt
Snotmaniac and Nulmb
Aunti and Fragg
Fig Frog and Zagnut Prune
Swamp Basher and Pentup Anger
Awnrey and EllaPunk

     "Quite a collection of riff raff," noted Street Lethal as he was about to take a
long drink from his Bitter Root Beer mug, "but why should I even bother to mix it up
with Soul Faker and Master Dank after all the grief they have caused me in the past?"
     "Well you know that Soul Faker is Soul Faker and that should be motivation
enough for one such as yourself," answered Hammer as Street Lethal inhaled a long
draught of Bitter Root Beer from his skull mug.
     "As for Master Dank..." Hammered paused for the greatest effect as Street Lethal
continued consuming his Bitter Root Beer brew, "I heard that he is wagering a small
fortune that his favorite Rabble Ranch team will fare far better than our Dread Wings
beyond the regular season!"
     Hammered barely got out of the way in time as Street Lethal spewed forth his
Bitter Root Beer in a furious display of ranting and raving unlike Hammered had ever
witnessed before!
     "I take that as a 'Yes I Would Be Glad to Partner with You in the TOSG
Competition!'" howled Hammered as Street Lethal continued to rant and rave for
another 45 minutes in the confines of the Hockey Clown Cafe that was undoubtedly
heard by the Dread Wings faithful throughout Fort Adroit and the outlying regions as
the unfortunate eye witnesses told astonishing tales of what had nearly befallen them
as they fled the Hockey Clown Cafe for fear of their very lives!

"May Your Blades Be Sharp and Your Wits Sharper!"
Minister of War
Abattoir Scarlet Knight
Order of Lost Souls
Aradi Antagonist
TOGS Tuffie

           + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Friday Night Lights ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                       Part 3
                                  By: The Greek Guy

     The sparring session, if you can even call it that, was over quickly.  Pauly was
truly inept using a sword.  His first attack missed so badly that he lost his balance
and fell down.  The Greek Guy wasted little time in disarming him, after giving him a
solid blow to his head.
     "If that's the best you can do Pauly you might want to consider joining Manager
as a mascot for the team." The Greek Guy chided.
     Pauly looked dejected as his did his father.  Pauly burst into tears and ran out
of the practice arena with his dad close behind.
     The Greek Guy walked back over to his friends who were waiting and smiling.
     "Now that wasn't very nice of you." Soultaker said with a wry smile.
     "Hey, better he learn now he can't fight, then sometime when his life is on the
line." The Greek Guy said in a serious tone.
     Tryouts went as planned.  Most of The Greek Guy's friends from last year made
the team.  The only one not to make it was Sentinel.  Everyone heard him arguing with
the coach after practice.  The only thing he heard clearly was that The Sentinel had
been accused of cheating.  Apparently the Sentinel had a twin brother, which was
known, and had been letting him fight some of the fights so he could rest, which was
not known.  Obviously having two guys fight as the same person is not allowed.
     "Sentinel, why'd you do something so dumb?" Rillion asked.
     "It was just an error.  I was sick one day and my brother just offered to take
my place.  So I let him." The Sentinel replied.
     Everyone in the group forgave him eventually.  Though he was never quite let off
the hook by his friends, who always gave him a hard time whenever the time seemed
right.  And honestly the time always seemed right.
     The team for this year consisted of Rillion, TigToad, Samwise, The Greek Guy,
Soultaker, Zalgor, Snotman, Pip, Seraphim, and a new recruit Swinetiger.  While
Swinetiger's obese friend Le Pentarque did not even come close to making the team,
Swinetiger did show some promise.  Of course Manager was the team Mascot again,
mainly because no one else tried out.  The Mascot was not a very popular job,
basically only a person who had no chance at ever being a gladiator would consider it
and that fit Manager perfectly.
     The next week at school was much different than the first week.  All the school
was abuzz with the thought of the first gladiator contest of the year.  The first
match would be Friday, under the torch lights at Aradi stadium.  The practices that
week were brutal.  Phido was a perfectionist and hated, I mean hated with a passion
to lose.  It was late afternoon on Wednesday and the practice was not going well.
     "Swinetiger, you idiot!" Phido yelled.
     "Yes Sir." Swinetiger responded meekly.
     "What style are you training in right now?" Phido asked.
     "Um, Parry Riposte Sir.  My dad--" Swinetiger tried to say.
     "I don't give a rat's behind what your dad says about anything.  You do realize
to be a parry riposte you have to parry something don't ya?" Phido screamed.
     "Yes sir." Swinetiger responded.
     "Then do it or so help me you'll be shoveling camel dung for a week in the
stables." Phido spat.
     The Greek Guy looked over at Rillion.
     "Man I missed this over the summer." The Greek Guy said with a smile.

To be continued

           + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Zalgor in Neverland ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     We join Zalgor Prigg living with a friend outside Dal Shang, beginning to date
the perfect woman...or so it seems to Zalgor.  Zalgor originally decided to move in
with Pantini because they were both single dads and the kids could play together,
they could trade watching the kids, you know kinda like being half a single parent
and half single.  Well Pantini and his son were a little wild and at the same time
clean freaks.  This did not bother Zalgor and his son much, well at least the clean
freak part...Zalgor's son, Roberto Leatham, although 2 years older than Pantini's son
got really tired of being tossed around and beat up on (I hear it's done wonders for
his training though, we will see in the next tourney).  It is during this time that
Zalgor discovers Rebina, who he has known for over a year but never really paid
attention to until now.  Rebina loves kids and Roberto Leatham is such a great kid
that she starts inviting Zalgor over to swim, have lunch, etc.  Zalgor naturally
loves that not only does this woman seem well adjusted and happy, but she interacts
well with Roberto Leatham.
     Time passes and Zalgor is now trying to get closer to Rebina, but she does not
let him kiss her.  She does this in obvious ways but without being in the least stand
offish which makes Zalgor continue trying.  One weekend after serving the people
together they go back to Zalgor's room at Pantini's place and it happens...they kiss,
once...twice...three times, who could count by the time they were done.  It was
wonderful and everything seemed to be working out for them both.  The very next
weekend an incident which seemed innocent enough would come back and haunt Zalgor.
After a morning of service, Zalgor and Rebina were about to leave when Pantini...who
often took advantage of the services provided at the center but rarely ever did any
work himself...spoke to Rebina about something Zalgor could not quite hear.  Rebina
exploded at Pantini, telling him something like, people in glass houses should not
throw stones...but she was much more colorful in her language.  Rebina left the area
and Pantini came up to Zalgor and said, "You should be careful, how a woman treats
your friends is how she is going to treat you some day."  Pantini was not a person
most reasonable people took advice on things, especially relationships, from and
Zalgor was already too entranced to have listened even were he a local Arenamaster...
so the words went unheeded.
     Shortly thereafter to give Zalgor the freedom to move to a better place, Rebina
offered to let Roberto Leatham move in with her and her son, Tir Jaines.  Zalgor took
the offer as it really meant he would be keeping a place to sleep and living with
Rebina and his son.  The week after his son moved in, Zalgor proposed marriage to
Rebina at a moderate gathering of friends during a fall holiday.  It was a beautiful
day and everyone was smiling and happy, the wind was cool and the proposal accepted.
It was the height of the relationship...though Zalgor thought it was just starting to
get good at this point.  That night the relationship got clumsily intimate, which
made a poor ending to a beautiful day...turns out it was an omen of things to come.
So we leave Zalgor on the night of his engagement, the day magical...the night
clumsy...the future much less certain than our naove Zalgor would let himself

        + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ House of Grain Chronicles ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                            Chapter 3:  Pip Him A New One

     As SwineTiger relaxed in the local Scrodbucks with the Aradi newsletter, he put
his feet up on Nuln's back who was busy licking the floor (he claimed he had lost a
bet, yet nobody else was around.  How very odd.)  In any case, SwineTiger decided to
try and ignore the tongue-on-dung-stained linoleum licking sound and set into his
newsletter reading routine.  Of course, like most managers, "reading" meant scanning
the articles for mentions of himself or his team, setting aside The Greek Guys'
column for lining the litter box and completely skipping Hammer's contribution and
anything involving the Creepster.  Let the TOGS judges suffer through those literary
equivalents to the dark arena, he thought.  Finally his name appeared.  Some troll
named Pip had used a lot of big words to poke fun at him, so it was time to convene a
team meeting.
     "Okay guys, here's the situation.  This Pipsmear guy devoted an entire article
to dissing the managers of TOGS, and that's just plain wrong.  More importantly, he
called us something I can't pronounce, so it's payback time.  Any ideas?"
     "How about, he's so ugly, an extreme makeover would require a full season
followed by an apology and a refund," said Scorn Bread.
     Naan chimed in.  "He looks like he's taken more blows to the face than JGW has
to the mouth?"
     "Wait, I got one.  If looks could kill, he'd be Mannequin."
     "Oh, that's rich," said Challah.  "What's the difference between Pip and a dead
hobo that drowned in a puddle of vomit?  One of them smells like soiled diapers and a
rat carcass that's been stuffed with rotten eggs and the other is a dead hobo."
     "I can beat that," said Ryehard.  "How many Pips does it take to screw in a
light bulb?  Just one, as long as Master Darque continues to let him lick it when
     "But do we really want to get him that upset," interrupted SwineTiger with a
smirk.  "Let's not go that path and stick to a road less traveled, literally and
figuratively.  If you don't know what I mean, just follow Rillion to the Aradi park
at night."
     "How about, how do you get Pip to sleep with a wart-encrusted and plague-
infested shrew?  Tell her she can wear a blindfold!"
     "I thought you were going to just say, tell him it's time for bed."
     "That's enough," The Bunisher cut in.  "I guess I have to be the only one to
defend Pip. The other day, I heard someone say he wasn't fit to sleep with the pigs,
and I said he was."
     There was a collective boo from the Grain members.
     "For what it's worth, I read Pip's columns every month," said Challah.
"Granted, it's hard to concentrate on them since one of my hands has to hold the gun
to my head."
     On that note, SwineTiger lead his pack out of the cafe to discuss fight
preparation.  After all, his dad used to say that the pen is only mightier than the
sword if it's taped to a halberd.  He also used to say, never shower in The Bunkhouse
or let Samwise breathe on your flowers, but those are stories for another time.
     "I have an idea," said Scorn.  "I was spying on one of the other teams and saw
them practicing lunge tactics with a maul.  Maybe we should try that?  We couldn't do
any worse."
     "Maybe we should try a club or a mace," Ryehard chimed in.
     Challah looked confused.  "Aren't a club and mace basically the same thing?"
     "Hardly," said Swinetiger in a sarcastic tone.  "Not knowing the difference
between a club and mace is like not knowing the difference between burgundy and
maroon.  Um wait, which one is eggplant?"
     Everyone's eyes darted away, either not wanting to field the question or because
none of them could find the head's to their horses that had been tied up outside the
     "Great, what are we going to do with all of these carcasses?" Pondered Challah.
     "We can flatten and frame the rears and sell them as portraits.  The tough part
will be getting Pip to sign them."

               + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ 4000 Blows ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                         The Revenge of the Son of Mannequin

<Aradi, several days ago>

     High atop Black Skull Peak, perched on the precariously steep Cliff of Dread
just and just north of Murderer's Chasm (which incidentally was only a few clicks
south of Fuzzy Bunny Pond), stood a brooding and foreboding structure known to the
fearful citizens of Aradi only as Castle Death (tho' not presently trademarked).  It
was perhaps the second grimmest place in all of Alastari, the first being a
Walscrod's the morning after Scrodmas.  Here, of course, resided the first grimmest
man in all of Alastari, who had been contemplating moving his hq to a Walscrods, but
who hadn't made up his mind at the moment.  That man, of course, was Mannequin.
     "Fetch me...THE GREEK GUY!" bellowed Mannequin to one of the countless hordes of
eunuchs who mindlessly (and crotchlessly) served him at Castle Death.  "And be
     Mannequin shifted impatiently in his throne, which was built out of the skulls
and hearts of his countless victims.  All the hearts had of course since rotted and
putrified, but none of the eunuchs had the stones, naturally, to inform their
bloodthirsty master of this fact.  On a smaller, similarly fashioned high-chair to
his right sat (no, not Death Stud) Mannequin Jr., heir to his father's mighty

<we cut to a few agonizing seconds later>

     The prone, manacled form of the Greek Guy was dragged before the Warlord of
Death by a pair of expressionless eunuchs, tossing the beleaguered BoB manager at the
feet of Mannequin.
     "Wh-wh-what...wh-what's going on?" mumbled the Greek Guy in a fearful tone,
knowing that an appearance in a spotlight other than his own or Rillion's did not at
all bode well for him.
     "Ba ba!" exclaimed Mannequin Jr. with venom, banging his spoon (which was
fashioned from the skull cap of particularly vicious rat) on the tray (fashioned out
of a tray) in front of him.
     "Yes, yeeees!  I like the way you think, son!" Smiled Mannequin evilly in
return, then throwing his head back, he laughed the laugh of a conscienceless man.
"This will be priceless!"
     The Greek Guy stared incredulously yet terror-stricken at the odd exchange
between father and son, a river of sweat now rushing down the back of neck.  The
pimples along the back of The Greek Guy's neck turned the sweat river into a sweat
rapids, and millions of microscopic organisms perished in its harsh eddies.
     "Wa wa!" hissed Mannequin Jr., pointing with his spoon at the Greek Guy's
jugular vein, then making a definite slicing motion with his other hand.
     "Oh ho ho!" chuckled Mannequin, brimming with pride, "Aren't you a clever little
one, I would never have thought of that!  Somebody's getting an extra bowl of ice-
cream tonight!"

<we cut to a few agonizing minutes later>

     As the eviscerated corpse of the Greek Guy was wheeled out (after father and son
had a long gloat session over his bloody remains), Mannequin and Mannequin Jr. eyed
each other from their respective seats of power, each glowing with the joy of a
father-son moment experienced all too vividly.
     "Now *that* was fun." said Mannequin, looking at his son with obvious pride.
"We should do that more often, you know?  Now lets get you into your peejays..."
     "Nuh nuh." said Mannequin Jr., his expression turning dark and a scowl coming
over his lips.  "Nuh nuh!"
     "Yes, I know, I know," replied Mannequin, "I mean, how could I forget?"
     "Nuh nuh!!!" repeated Mannequin Jr., his voice rising in anger.
     "I see you haven't forgotten either, my son." Said Mannequin raising an eyebrow,
his fatherly pride swelling again.  "Or, more importantly, forgiven.  You learn
quickly, my son."
     "NUH NUH!!!!" screamed Mannequin Jr., his terrifying voice echoing throughout
the cavernous halls of Castle Death.  "NUH NUH!!!"
     "I think, perhaps, we need a reminder of this one who has wronged us, my son."
Said Mannequin, tapping a rotted heart on the end of his arm-rest thoughtfully.
"Something to further instill your young heart with further amounts of vengeance to
carry out your task with the further yet proper amount of bloodiness.  Eunuchs!
Bring out 'the Corpse!'"
     As Mannequin Jr. quietly seethed in his high-chair, the sound of wheels-on-
basalt was faintly heard approaching the throne room.  Finally a quartet of
stereotypically muscle-bound eunuchs entered the room pushing a wooden casket on
wheels, the type of casket that the G.C. typically provided for fallen warriors at a
sponsored tournament.  The head end of the casket had been propped up on wooden
struts, making the corpse more readily viewed.  As the casket and its inhabitant were
brought ever closer to Mannequin and his son, the younger's face grew more and more
beet red, and several youthful blood vessels appeared to rupture.
     "Yes, my son, yes!  Feel deeply, so deeply, the exquisite pain of your loss!"
said Mannequin in a low, soothing tone.  "Now channel that rage, my son, channel it
into a perfect plan for....DEATH!!!!"
      Both father and son at this point threw back their heads and laughed the laugh
of a conscienceless man/child, then they turned somberly back to the corpse in the
coffin.  A shiny lacquer covered its body to preserve its precariously composed
state.  Even a casual glance from a not-so-experienced manager at the dead warrior
would have revealed the once living man's exceptional credentials.  If not a size
4'11" the man was very close indeed, and by the way his cold hand still held its
weapon, you could tell he had around an 11 deftness.  And of course, the t-shirt he
wore which read "I'm a double 21 god, who the hell are you?" was a dead giveaway to
certain other attributes.  If one looked closely, they might have noticed the G.C.
processing tag that was still stuck on his toe, that read:
        "Grand tournament XL
         Class: Rookies
         Turn: 1 -- D.O.A."
        "He was so...." Mannequin held back a tear, and swallowed hard.  "Perfect."

<to be continued...>

                + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Dreamtime ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "So, you nervous?" asked Snotman to his best and only, and dare I say, dashingly
dressed friend.
     "Noeth, noteth ateth alleth!  Whyeth doeth youeth asketh?" Replied the Chaos
Lord, working in front of his magic mirror, straightening his tie.
     "It's just that, well, your speech impediment has gotten a little worse in the
last hour or so, and I was thinking that maybe you were nervous about your blind
chaos lord shouted back at the recently dead pile of goo. "Noweth Husheth, Ieth
haveeth toeth consulteth witheth theeth chaoseth mirroreth...whateth iseth thateth?"
     "Drink this" Snotman handed Nuln a full shotglass.  "It's called Brass Team
Monkey Fist, and should help."
     The Chaos Lord drank quickly, "smoooooth..." coughed the Chaos Lord.  "OK, here
goes... Mirror Mirror on the wall... Who's the fairest one of all?"
     The Mirror shimmered with brilliant light and began to speak: "Why it's Homb.."
Before the Mirror could finish the Chaos Mace crashed through the center of the glass
and silenced the once magical device.

     "I told you not to buy that." quipped Snotman
     "Shut up. it was magic."
     "But it was a garage sale..."

     Nuln's witty come back was cut short by the loud knocking of his loud knockers.
     "She's here!" yelled Snotman with glee.
     "How do I look?"  "good"  "You didnt even look?  Seriously, does my butt look
big in this suit of plate?"
     "Sweeteth, I'm off then," Nuln galloped to the front door and quickly pulled it
open.  There he saw, well... uh.. something.
     "Yo, I'm Pippy." the visitor stated in a gruff voice, and soon followed with a
long puff on a cigar.
     "Oh, as in Longstocking, I see, cuz of the red ponytails you have?"
     "Well, If you say so, I don't really know who that is, and it's more like Pippy
the Troll, but whatever floats your boat. So, you ready for this?" Pippy asked.
     "Uhm, well I guess so, where do you want to go?"
     "How's Scrodbucks sound?"
     "Well, it's kinda public dont you think?" asked the Chaos Lord.
     "I guess we can go inside then, but I must warn you, I'm not that kind of girl,"
Pippy stated before pulling out a spitoon and making it ring with deadly accuracy and
     "So Scrodbucks it is then!" shouted Nuln and quickly closed the door behind him.

     The two large figures sat an out of the way table after ordering their drinks
and began their date.
     "Yeah, so..."
     "How's your scrodacino?" Pippy asked Nuln.
     "uhm, greateth, yours?"
     "Hot and soothing, just like your ey--"  Just then there was a sickening thud
and and Pippy the Troll lurched forward onto the table.  Snotman stood behind the
beastly thing with Nuln's Chaos Mace.
     "What took you so long?" asked an impatient Nuln.  "Never mind, did you bring
what I asked?"
     "You bethca!"  Snotman reached into his pack and brought out 2 plastic Sporks
and the two of them began to dig into Pippy's brain for a hearty meal.
     "Does it taste a little ashy to you?" asked Snotman.
     "Aye, very ashy."

     Across the street, at the other Scrodbucks, an angry but nevertheless handsomly
lip-enlarged Hombre lifted his chalkboard and slashed a 1 under the Nuln/Snotman
heading, then glanced over at the 0 under his own name.

He began to weep.

-- Hombre

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

                             Wing Hove and The Bunkhouse
                                  Honor the memory
                                  Lloyd E. Paulson
                                1/6/1925 to 3/17/2008
                                   A true warrior.

                                 DUELMASTER'S COLUMN
                             Notes from the arena champ.

     Whoa, now!  Just because I am duelmaster is no reason that I should spout my
mouth off.  No way.  I ain't giving out no clues as to what I mighta done.  Nope.
You wanna investigate me up close, you gotta come 'n git me.  Yup.
     I will say this TOGS thing is mighty innerestin'.  It is.  I think TOGS stands
for Throats Of Girl Squeeze, or something like that.  I do.  Or maybe Throats Of Gals
     I like some of the things I learn in TOGS.  Like nut sacks.  I've been lookin'
for one, but every single gal I do (wink), they don't seem to have one I can take
with me.  I wonder what that means?
     Hey, now.  Come and get me.  See if you can take this crown away.  I hope
Sunshine gets through.  I understand that Superior Forces needs the points badly.
(What's new?)
     The Riddler (acting like Jack The Ripper) (What a riddle?)

                                      SPY REPORT

     It's me, The Unknown Spymaster, back to give you this week's Spy Report.  Sit 
back in your seats and we'll have more fun than a barrel of Zontanis.  Say good-bye 
to ELOQUENT KNIGHTS, as they are pushed from the coveted top team spot by the 
CHILDHOOD TRAUMA stable.  Take a look at WILD CARDS' act, as they have a 3-1-0 week 
and gain 12 places in the team ranking.  Rising in the ranks like a loaf of armored 
bread (okay, I admit it's corny) is CLNGE, who swept up 14 places in the ranks.  
Suffering under a 1-4-0 record and dropping from 10th to 22nd place were the PURE 
EVIL.  Keep trying!  A seasoned team is steady in the lists.  But to LA BOULANGE, 
which fell to 24th, it's what you soak in before going to the Dark Arena.  What goes 
up, must come down.  Watch out COLLUSION COVE!  HOUSE OF GRAIN may fall on you as it 
crushes past the teams below it to fall on the 32nd spot.  THE EYES HAVE IT is no 
joke as it posted a 4-1-0 week advancing from 17th place to 10th place.  Hey 
everybody, watch out for GAZREK, who flew up 27 points in the rankings after mashing 
AIMLESS like a melon.  Keep your eye on this beast.  And falling like a basher in the 
top ten was AIMLESS, who dropped 22 points after a disappointing (to say the least) 
bout with GAZREK.  DUNNO got through to the Duelmaster this turn.  No doubt it was 
more than anxious to kick THE RIDDLER's tail out of the throne!  Our battling 
duelmaster THE RIDDLER has managed to hold the title, fending off DUNNO's none too 
subtle advances.  Better luck next time, HIT ME WITH....  Advice to bashers--never 
force anything, just get a bigger halberd!   
     But enough of that bunch, let's get on to the wimps who like to avoid battle!  
Here's a song for you:  Who's afraid of the big, bad SUPERIOR  FORCES 1601?  Big bad 
SUPERIOR FORCES 1601.  Big bad SUPERIOR FORCES 1601.  COLLUSION COVE's afraid of the 
big bad SUPERIOR FORCES 1601.  Tra la la la la!  For those of you who like math, try 
this one:  SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 + Weapons That go Boom = PURE EVIL + Avoid City.  
Well just about everybody wants a piece of HAWAIIAN KONA, who was this week's most 
challenged warrior.  Can any one out there say 'weasel'?  Oh well, just saying 
ZIG-ZAG MAN will do.  He challenged 18 points down to trash COCO NUTS.  Definition of 
petty:  ZIG-ZAG MAN put to death COCO NUTS, a mismatch of 18 points.  Well, it looks 
like RYEHARD wasn't happy with last turn's rank, so it went for broke by challenging 
up 28 points.  No guts, no glory.  I don't know about you, but when I saw RYEHARD 
step out on the sands with I OWN INDIMAR, I though it was over before it started.  
Good upset RYEHARD!  In a touching display by a 'touched' warrior, CHALLAH POINT went 
after ACIDULOUS, who was higher by 20 points.  Well, when the dust settled, CHALLAH 
POINT was overcame by ACIDULOUS.   
     Death is kind of like a new puppy:  he's always around wanting to play.  (Ha 
Zontani, how's that for a wise saying?).  Well, just when you thought it was safe to 
put a new warrior in the arena.  No no!  COCO NUTS, a mere girl, was slain by ZIG-ZAG 
MAN this turn.  Too bad THE UPSTARTS III won't be eating any crow this week because 
of WHACK-A-STUD's bloodfeud passing.  Why?  No bloodfeud, no fowl (Drumroll, Groans). 
Congrats to PAR for revenging the death of his teammate (but more importantly, 
feeding MISS PIGGY a bit of dirt).  In the 'Oops, What Have I Done?' category, 
PAPERCUT was mashed by DOUBLE D, who let PAPERCUT know that killing members of MY 
PRESENT is a no-no.  Here's some advice:  warriors with little wit and will may 
encounter problems on the trail to the Isle.   
     I think I had better cut this one short.  It's been nice chatting to those of 
you whom I have not offended yet.  C'mon, Leadfoot, let's make some tracks.  And 
remember, you can pick your friends and you can pick your--(loud boos), oh, you've 
heard that one already!-- The Unknown Spymaster  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 THE RIDDLER 7852             16   8  2   136       CRAZY CREEPS (207)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 WRATH LIX 7899               13   3  1   144       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 ALLAN JOHNSON 8232           14   5  0   112       TPW FOREVER (619)
 VENREK 7477                  17   5  0   110       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
-SUNSHINE 7593                11   7  0   110       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 ODALISQUE 8121                8   0  2   108       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
 VOLMAX 7592                   7   6  0   105       MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
 TIGER TY 7665                19  15  1   104       WING HOVE (529)
 WHITE WITCH 7542             24  15  0   101       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083             12   9  1   101       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 BURNT OFFERINGS 8054          9   5  1   101       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 LOKI IX 7860                 11   5  1    98       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 HOFFA 7713                   21  29  0    92       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
 YELLOW JACKET 7627           17  39  1    91       BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 911 7936                     11  10  0    87       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 DUNNO 6988                   12  19  1    86       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 TYVEK 7478                   10   9  0    85       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 GAZREK 7858                   9   5  0    84       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 RETRIBUTION XXIX 8259        10   4  0    82       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 FLICKED BOOGERS 6989         16  15  0    80       HIT ME WITH... (503)
-DEATH STUD 8211               9   5  1    80       DEATH STUDS XII (602)
-HENDRICK 5022                13   8  1    77       UNDERDOGS (5)
 WEEZY DANG 7909              10   9  0    77       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
-BLACK WIDOW XLIII 7868       11   4  1    76       DEATH STUDS XII (602)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-ENIGMA XXV 7871               6   9  1    74       DEATH STUDS XII (602)
 BUSTED NUTS 7134             12  12  1    72       HIT ME WITH... (503)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-THE BUNISHER 8341             9   1  1    66       HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
 STITCHES 8245                 5   6  0    66       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
-PAUL BEARER 8082              4   3  1    66       FUNKY FOLK (565)
-MYSTIQUE 7932                 6   3  1    65       VILLAINOUS LEGION (605)
 PEACH FUZZ 8095               7   5  1    63       FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
 HOWLER XIII 8302              6   1  2    63       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 RYEHARD 8339                  8   6  1    62       HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
 EDWARD KINGSLEY 8330          6   1  1    62       TPW FOREVER (619)
 AIMLESS 7967                 14   9  0    61       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
-HANS GRUBER 7931              6   2  0    60       VILLAINOUS LEGION (605)
-STORM FIRE 7597               6   3  1    59       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 NYSTERIOUS WAYS 8464          6   1  0    58       PASTAFARIANS (630)
 3D'S NOT L33T 7833           10   7  3    57       WILD CARDS (148)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 B.C. GOLD 7787                8   7  0    54       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 T MARIE 8522                  2   1  0    54       MY PRESENT (637)
 BOY GEORGE 8378               6   3  0    53       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 SPIRITWALKER 8431             5   2  0    52       DREAMTIME (633)
 ZOMBIELUST 8181               7   2  0    51       4000 BLOWS (107)
 ACIDULOUS 8384                5   0  0    51       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
 WEKA DART 7979                9   7  1    50       WING HOVE (529)
 DAY BY DAY 8338               4   1  0    50       GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
-RAZOR XXV 8154                7   4  0    49       DEATH STUDS XII (602)
 TWIG 8096                     6   4  1    49       FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
 HAWAIIAN KONA 7853            5   6  0    47       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 RESPECT THE PACKAGE 7832      9   8  0    46       WILD CARDS (148)
 MONKEY PAW 7854               5   5  1    44       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 WILD YOUTH 8296               3   1  0    44       GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
 I OWN INDIMAR 8084            6   8  0    43       4000 BLOWS (107)
 SCORN BREAD 8343              8   6  0    41       HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
 GREEN DISEASE 7718            5   8  2    41       MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
 SETH DRAVEN 8231              5   3  1    40       TPW FOREVER (619)
 PAR 8297                      5   4  1    39       WING HOVE (529)
 PLUM 8094                     4   4  1    39       FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
 SHRIVELLED PRUNE 8177         4   4  1    39       FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
 MAITRE BOULANGER 8350         3   1  0    39       LA BOULANGE (626)
 DOUBLE D 8523                 1   2  0    39       MY PRESENT (637)
 PANAMON 8087                  9   6  0    37       WING HOVE (529)
 BEAST XVII 8303               4   6  0    35       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 VENGRAZ 8018                  4   1  0    35       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
-RED WINTER 8304               3   1  0    35       VILLAINOUS LEGION (605)
 TAXMAN 8397                   6   4  0    34       PURE EVIL (629)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 WARM PIRATE 8407              7   3  0    33       PASTAFARIANS (630)
 NOODLY APPENDIX 8404          6   4  0    33       PASTAFARIANS (630)
 L'APPRENTI 8351               4   1  0    33       LA BOULANGE (626)
-CURT SHIFF 8479               2   1  1    33       FUNKY FOLK (565)
 STAR 8427                     6   2  0    30       DREAMTIME (633)
 VENGANZA 8408                 5   5  0    30       PASTAFARIANS (630)
 LE FOURNER 8354               3   3  0    30       LA BOULANGE (626)
 CRUCIFIED 8447                2   1  0    30       DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
-VIKI 8261                     2   2  0    30       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 OVERTIME 8394                 6   4  0    28       PURE EVIL (629)
 KELLY FABULOUS 8221           5   5  0    28       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 PRIVATE EYE 8425              5   2  0    28       THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
 JOHNNY FOURHOOVES 8399        3   1  0    28       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 EVIL AYE 8498                 3   0  0    28       THE EYES HAVE IT (632)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SISTER MOON 8489              2   2  0    28       DREAMTIME (633)
 CHALLAH POINT 8389            4   6  0    26       HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
 100 PUNKS 8491                4   1  0    26       GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
 SOCRATES 8547                 3   0  0    26       GRECO-ROMAN (639)
-PERFECT SNOTLING 8403         1   1  0    26       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 CHONDROMALACIA 8432           3   6  0    25       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
 GUNPOWDER 8449                3   0  0    24       DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
 EQUIPOLLENT 8492              2   3  1    24       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
 SHMEGMA 8502                  2   1  0    24       HIT ME WITH... (503)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 MCSCROD 8481                  2   2  1    23       4000 BLOWS (107)
-NAAN VIOLENT 8433             4   3  0    21       HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
-MIMIC 8499                    2   0  0    21       VILLAINOUS LEGION (605)
 WILD FLOWER 8443              3   5  0    20       DREAMTIME (633)
 SHAMIKA 8513                  3   1  0    20       LUROCIANS T308 (636)
 READY, STEADY, GO 8249        2   2  0    20       GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
 GHNSGFI 8526                  1   3  0    20       CLNGE (638)
-D 3717                        1   1  0    20       THE MIB (304)
 EDIE 8429                     3   5  0    19       DREAMTIME (633)
 TEMPE FACER SCROD 8506        2   2  1    19       NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
 THE EX 8436                   3   6  1    18       PURE EVIL (629)
 HARD CIDER 7981               3   2  1    18       WILD CARDS (148)
 GILMMAO 8525                  3   0  0    18       CLNGE (638)
 SCARLET ABATTOIR 8474         2   2  0    18       NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
 KING ROCKER 8246              1   3  0    18       GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
 TOWEL BOY 8265                4   4  1    17       TPW FOREVER (619)
-TOM SAWYER 8369               2   6  0    17       RUSH REBORN (627)
 DARIUS 8552                   2   1  0    17       LUROCIANS T308 (636)
 GALILEO 8548                  2   1  0    17       GRECO-ROMAN (639)
 MASTER EXPLODER 8500          1   2  0    17       4000 BLOWS (107)
 FEZ 7878                      2   5  0    16       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
-A 3718                        0   2  0    16       THE MIB (304)
 PLATO 8550                    3   0  0    15       GRECO-ROMAN (639)
 SENTINEL 8543                 3   0  0    15       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 MANHATTAN PROJECT 8450        2   1  1    15       DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
-FRED 8529                     2   1  0    15       UNDERDOGS (5)
 FUSILLI JERRY 8486            2   4  0    14       PASTAFARIANS (630)
 IJEOOGI 8528                  1   2  0    14       CLNGE (638)
-LIMELIGHT 8365                2   6  1    13       RUSH REBORN (627)
 DEAD ALIVE 8503               1   2  0    13       WILD CARDS (148)
 NIAGARA FALLS 8533            3   1  0    12       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 JOHNNY 8511                   2   1  0    12       LUROCIANS T308 (636)
 I EYE 8508                    2   1  0    12       THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
 TIFFERS 8520                  1   2  0    12       MY PRESENT (637)
 PINK I 8422                   1   2  0    12       THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
-LUC 8497                      1   1  0    12       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 BLACK DEATH 8446              0   3  0    11       DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
 SUGAR 8534                    3   1  0    10       PURE EVIL (629)
 JAYSON DAYDE 8545             2   1  1    10       TPW FOREVER (619)
 THE AFRICAN QUEEN 8473        1   3  0    10       NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
 DOUBLE CHOCOLAINE 8461        1   3  0    10       LA BOULANGE (626)
 HARUSPEX 8559                 2   0  0     9       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
-EARTHSHINE 8392               1   5  1     9       RUSH REBORN (627)
-FREEWILL 8468                 1   2  0     9       RUSH REBORN (627)
-SEL DUMB 8487                 1   0  0     9       FUNKY FOLK (565)
 MISS PIGGY 8544               2   1  1     8       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 PAPERCUT 8535                 1   3  1     8       PURE EVIL (629)
 SHEEPY THOMPSON 8538          1   3  0     8       THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
 SARDASIA 8512                 1   2  0     8       LUROCIANS T308 (636)
 DESEARTES 8560                1   0  0     8       GRECO-ROMAN (639)
 ICE CREAM SOLDIER 8471        0   4  0     8       NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
 FGGMOGO 8527                  1   2  0     7       CLNGE (638)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
-MUGWUMP 8555                  1   0  0     6       UNDERDOGS (5)
 IRON HYDE 8452                1   2  0     5       MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
 HOLOCAUST 8448                1   2  0     5       DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
 SHA'LONDA 8532                1   2  0     5       LUROCIANS T308 (636)
 ARISTOTLE 8551                1   2  0     5       GRECO-ROMAN (639)
-JONES 8539                    1   1  0     4       UNDERDOGS (5)
 LOST BREAD 8546               0   3  0     3       LA BOULANGE (626)
 LEATHAM 8519                  0   3  0     3       MY PRESENT (637)
 IICERGS 8524                  0   3  0     3       CLNGE (638)
 TAKE ANOTHER SHOT 8558        0   2  0     2       NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
 DGA 8562                      0   1  0     1       MY PRESENT (637)
 TOGS CHOKER 8561              0   1  0     1       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
-E 3714                        0   1  0     1       THE MIB (304)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD                W  L K TEAM NAME            SLAIN BY              TURN Revenge?
PICK OF DESTINY 8553    1  2 0 4000 BLOWS 107       MANHATTAN PROJEC 8450 438   
CLARK KENT 8196         8  4 0 CRAZY CREEPS 207     HENDRICK 5022         435  REVENGED
COCO NUTS 8163          5  1 0 FRUIT OF THE LOO 615 ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083      438   
ARCHIMEDES 8549         0  2 0 GRECO-ROMAN 639      HARD CIDER 7981       437   
LUCKY CHARMS 8557       1  1 0 HIT ME WITH... 503   TEMPE FACER SCRO 8506 438   
TOSSED SALAD 6987      15 13 1 HIT ME WITH... 503   WRATH LIX 7899        436   
AGAIN 8565              0  1 0 MEDICAL BIOHAZAR 585 SEA MONSTER           438  NONE
TRY 8564                0  1 0 MEDICAL BIOHAZAR 585 SPYMASTER             438  NONE
GERR 8556               0  1 0 MY PRESENT 637       PAPERCUT 8535         437  JUST REVENGED
ME 8521                 0  1 0 MY PRESENT 637       JAYSON DAYDE 8545     436   
DUELING FOR SCRO 8472   0  2 0 NO HAMMER HAMMER 635 MCSCROD 8481          436   
CARROT TOP 8398         4  2 0 PURE EVIL 629        HOWLER XIII 8302      434  NOT REVENGED
POKE IN THE I 8423      1  2 0 THE EYES HAVE IT 632 EQUIPOLLENT 8492      438   
SHAUN OF THE DEA 8504   1  1 0 WILD CARDS 148       THE EX 8436           437   
ELEPUNK 8563            0  1 0 WING HOVE 529        SPYMASTER             438  NONE
MORGAN LEAH 8517        1  2 0 WING HOVE 529        MISS PIGGY 8544       437  JUST REVENGED

                                     PERSONAL ADS

All -- Not exactly sure what HAL did with my personal ads last turn, but it is what
it is.  I know I have probably taken a -5 point hit at this point, which is cool in a
sense that its the rules (and not cool in the sense that it's -5 points).  Should
have heeded the warning to CC everything to Nuln, which I'm doing now, too little-too
late for Turn 2. -- Master Darque

Pip -- Sorry for pulling you down so early with a careless mistake.  Let's still
shoot for that 10-0-10, though preferably at the end of the contest when the points
are multiplied. -- Master Darque

Congratulations to the winners! And here are the results of the of the Aradi
Spotlight awards .........
Gold Crown        Death Stud "No Spotlight"
Silver Scarf      Soultaker "Pandy's Return"
Bronze Pasties    Samwise The Bald "Creepy's Visitor"
Tin Cup (tie)     Zalgor Prigg, "Blissful Place"
Tin Cup (tie)     Haunt "New Recruits
Wear your prize winnings with pride and joy.
     Editor, International Award Winning Aradi Free Press

Tidbits from The IAWAFP.....
... Patty The Fatty and The Creepster are going steady.
... Managerr is as wise as the world is flat.
... Death Stud could only afford to run one team this week.
... There was a run on tar and feathers in Aradi.
... Rillion needs toilet paper.  He is obviously full of xxxx.
... Pauly's giant demon muskrat developed elephantitus.
... The FOUR always get good replacements; bribery is being investigated.
Remember, subscribe now to the full publication while the price is high.
     Editor, IAWAFP

Welcome to The Collusion Cove Guardian.  Aradi has always needed a gossip column.
Perhaps some day you will be able to compete with People Magazine and True Crimes? --
Editor, IAWAFP

Snotman -- The Creepster thanks you for the kind words about his partner choice for
this TOGS.  It really was time to find a winner. -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe

Like Pauly, The Creepster wants 10 points for his duelmaster.  Whoever started that
nonsense should be shot. (by Pauly) -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe

Morgan Leah -- Why challenge me if you are going to die, you slut! -- Miss Piggy

Ijeoogi -- Thanks for the little win.  It was a shorter fight than I thought.  I feel
a tiny bit excited. -- Sentinel

Hoffa -- You bum!  Get out of the way! -- White Witch

Venrek -- That was uncalled for.  Your manager is an unmitigated punk! -- Jack The
Ripper (inappropriately interrupted)

Weezy Dang -- How many hand grenades should the Swiss Army put in their cheese?  A.
Nine, because the moon shines bright on the Wabash. -- The Riddler

Wham bamboogleronios!  Yippy dippy ding dongerific!  Riddlerooski whoopey ti yi
yoyoyoyoyo! -- The Creepster

Not that anyone here deserves to see this information, but Jack The Ripper looked
like this:  (faves yet unknown)
     Great Damage on the roll (+)
     Ambi (+1 Att); +3 Decise (?)
     Parry (AX), Decise/Attack (X)
     Skill learn rate an awesome 1.14
        BS 0-31-8
        LS 1-32-1
     Estimates -- unknown/unknown, fave weapon unknown
          The Crazy Creeps Scribe

Further info on Jack The Ripper for those who don't want to know
............. VL/MD - BA
     The Crazy Creeps Scribe

Eyes Have It -- Nice done on the if challenged strat.  I faxed that turn in and
didn't fill out the challenge strat.  Definitely cost me there but still you guys
have been kicking my butt...time to find a new opponent. -- The Greek Guy..Lurocians

Rillion -- Well done last turn, partner.  I thought our plan was to be middle of the
pack early on and come on strong at the end and then choke again.  Oh well, guess we
can see how we do near the top for a change. -- TGG

Indimar -- A surprise first round leader?  I think not.  As the Crazy Creeps Scribe
so eloquently pointed out, Mannequin and I started strong the last time.  We just
hope to finish better than we did the last time. -- Samwise

Manager -- Did you hear that?  That was me knocking last turn. -- KARMA

Mannequin -- Go ahead and put the target away.  Or pass it to Hombre and Elephant! --

Snotman -- Congratulations on your new paper!  I'm introducing a third into the mix
this turn.  Let's drive the Aradi Free Press into bankruptcy! -- Samwise

All -- Good reading again this turn; I'd probably rate Nuln's berating of Death Stud
as my fave.  Yay for sarcasm! -- Anti

Three Aimed Blows in one turn.  Bunch of tourney-babies.  I will kill one of you; oh
yes, I will. -- Gen. Ironcide

Master Exploder -- How you like me now? -- Fusilli J

Day By Day -- That is how you should be living right now as your days are numbered.
-- Haunted Pasta

And rounding turn 2 from the back of pack, it isn't, it couldn't be, it is, Haunted

Hello mutter, hello fadder, here I am at contest TOGSer.  TOGS is very entertaining,
and they say we'll have some when folks stop complaining....

The problem with bread golems is that they are always loafing.  DK Bread has one more
chance to turn things around or else it is club sandwich time for him. -- SwineTiger

Twig -- Impossible!  I am supposed to be unstoppable this time of year! -- Taxman

Shaun of the Dead -- I hope you don't come back to haunt me as a zombie. -- The Ex

     Do zombies haunt? -- Ed., unsure of the niceties of undead behaviour

Mannequin -- How's about next time you let me win my challenge and I let you win
yours.  It makes for 3 points more each! -- Street

Peach Fuzz -- A tough match; come back again soon and we'll smoke before the next
one. -- Hawaiian Kona

TOGS Tabulators -- That time again to submit the obligatory Personal Ad to prevent a
subtraction of points! -- Hammer/Minister of War/etc

Papercut -- Cluck, cluck...why? -- Ghost of Gerr

Gazrek -- Hmmph, well, see it's cuz I'm fat.  Not that you're currently a superior
warrior to me, just that I'm a very large man. -- Double D

Poke In The I -- I was confused as to where I was to actually poke you.  In your eye
or your body?  Good job taking advantage of my confusion. -- Leatham

Niagara Falls -- *snicker* I love doing that. -- Tiffers

Noodly Appendix -- You're going to have to do better than that (but not much) to beat
me! -- T Marie

Togs gentlemen, sadists, malcontents, and Manager -- Second turn was better than the
first, but not up to my standards.  I demand two deaths, damnit!! -- Flagg

Anti -- Yeah!!  We didn't match up against each other!  Hooray!! -- Flagg

Did this come through as plain text?  Did my spotlight?  I'm learning how to use
Vista and a new mail program, too. -- TigToad

     Looks great, thanks! -- Ed.

Zalgor -- Hey, it's great to play with you again.  Tell your warriors to start
winning. -- TigToad

Rillion -- It's mostly good to be back.  The only downside is, I gave away my DM file
cabinet, so I just have piles of folders all over the place. -- TigToad

Editor -- I would like to thank the commission for the honor of the 'Tin Cup" for
"outstanding" spotlight writing.  I will proudly display this on my mantle, next to
the various TC awards and ZalCon awards won by my stable...in fact, I think I will
remove those other awards altogether, as they cannot compare to my very first TOGS
award.  I'm so proud.  My mother would be so happy...if she understood Duelmasters
and didn't consider it a waste of paper and money...and paid attention when I told
her these things.  But, what does she know.  I don't live with her anymore. --

All -- I think my dad was gonna say something, so I'll leave it to him.  I don't
really feel like being a smart-ass this turn, but I'm sure I'll resume my regularly
scheduled wackiness next turn. -- Pauly

Rillion -- I don't think that expecting your partner to go a mere 60-0 is unrealistic
expectations.  Just because you're not up to the task, doesn't mean someone else
isn't. -- Manager

Samwise, Hombre, Creepster -- Thanks!  Back at ya buckeroos! -- Anti

Ed. -- Well the good news is that sometime around this turn the number of spots
should start dwindling.  The bad news is certain TOGS participants will probably get
even more Togsier, even if that's not really a word.  Yay?  :) -- Anti

     Dwindling from a flood to a mere torrent? -- Ed., recalling certain things seen
     in recent floodwaters

Package -- You better get a tighter grip. -- Acidulous

Maitre -- Salute.  The dance was well worth the skills. -- Equipollent

Loki -- And your manager wins with you?  'Tis a sad sad day. -- Odalisque

Panamon -- Och, ouch, ouch, ouch stay away from me. -- Chondromalacia

Fggmogon -- I spent most of my time trying to figure out how to pronounce your name.
-- Haruspex

Killer Wedgies -- Whoops a stumble already?  May your challenges be as good as last
year. -- Soultaker

Aradi Free Press -- Although I like the change in awards from last year, I find these
bronze pasties to be a little chaffing. -- Soultaker

Fusilli J -- A good proctologist?  You might want to check with Slugbait.  I have
heard he worked his way through medical school giving exams on the side. -- Soultaker

Slugbait -- Since Snotman is so busy re-applying his chap stick after his sickening
praise, the rest of us want to kill you for creating such a wussie wannabe manager.
-- Soultaker

All -- Have to love all the new newspapers.  You think we might get just one with
some chance of truth? -- Soultaker

Pip -- I know you must be lying since that would mean someone would have taken the
time to talk to you. -- Soultaker

Manager -- Very curious how you got Storm Fire into the arena without having to DA
Pesmerga.  Such great lengths to avoid four turns of bloodfeud.  It's good to see the
standards of integrity that you set for us all to aspire to and interesting to see
you circumvent the Gladiatorial Commission rules like that.  Seems almost like
something Death Stud would do. -- Death Stud

The Riddler -- With all the #@$&@ before last turn, I forgot to mention how impressed
I was with your clever out of TOGS bloodfeud to Hendrick and how you thanked him for
allowing you the opportunity to challenge and get zero points for four turns.  Nice
to see that The Creepster is always thinking ahead. -- Stud

Rumor on the street is that when Gen. Ironcide said "I got your 100-1 right here" he
was grabbing his crotch and referring his ratio of uncompanioned weekends. -- an
unnamed source

    AUS -- Couldn't resist. -- Ed.

Rillion -- RE:  the boring everyone into submission during the TOGS plan.  No need to
worry about Snotman ruining that strategy for you.  How can you surprise someone with
a strategy that you've utilized prominently during each previous TOGS? -- helpful

Rillion -- After seeing the performance of my second team compared to the one I'm
running, I'm now questioning my decision on which one to run. -- D. Stud

Le Pentarque & SwineTiger -- Good to see you guys recover from the first turn
doughnut (get it, a bread reference!) and put some points up from fights this turn.
You're going to have to explain to me sometime the logic of holding out two of your
warriors, though. -- Death Stud

Double D -- Indeed there can only be one! (at a time, that is)  And I am the one.
Sorry to give your sandbagging self a welcoming Aradi smackdown on your first turn,
but it comes down to that whole "somebody has to lose" and frankly, better you than
me. -- Howler XIII

Pauly -- How'd that plan of challenging outside of the contest for zero points, then
holding the throne for the rest of the TOGS and looking like a freakin' genius
instead of a Beau Zeau work out for you?  It's good to see that in your time with the
FONZ, you've really honed those keen analytical skills to razor sharp FONZ standards.
-- Death Stud

Note to all TOGS participants:  just in case you're a little thicker in the dome than
most and aren't getting it, Ed.'s really not screwing around this TOGS with the whole
editing/censoring thing. -- Death Stud

     I'm protecting young and innocent minds (which is why y'all are having
     problems). -- Ed. and Ed. Jr.

Seraphim -- After your entire team missed the fights last week, Manager petitioned
the Gladiatorial Commission to rescind his first turn confidence-building
congratulatory message to you of "Awesome start, partner!" and to have it replaced
with "You horrible, pathetic failure of a human being, you disgust me and--as this
partnership was clearly a mistake--I heretofore request that you refrain from
sullying my record with your ridiculous attempts at managership." -- Commission

observant not-so-neutral party

Indimar -- In response to your comments about family matters regarding your treatment
of young Pauly and the issues with Mama Paulson, just let me say that were I you, I'd
be expecting visits from Child Protective Service and the local Native Animal Rescue.
-- Death Studs

Indimar -- There was no surprise first turn leader as you seemed to reference in your
personal ad last turn.  Please check your facts.  Have you forgotten already how
Samwise and Mannequin's team jumped out to an early lead and were in first place
through the first 8 turns of the last TOGS (well, before the part where they crashed
and burned spectacularly at the end [although in fairness, not nearly a Rillion/TGG
sucking black hole supernova nuclear fusion fireball implosion])? -- Death Stud

Anti -- I'm not sure about the tar, but from past spotlight history, I'm pretty sure
there's some chicken farms in Aradi if you really needed feathers. -- Death Stud

Twig -- Have you been saving up that "beaten by a..." crack since your first fight,
just waiting to unleash it on someone?  I feel unfortunate to have provided you the
opportunity. -- Beast

FYI, Mannequin, it should be very simple to find the bullseye for you and Samwise.
I'm pretty sure they were tattooed on your backs at the beginning of the last TOGS
and the ink seems to have been touched up nicely with your great start in this TOGS.
-- Death Stud

ColLuSIoN cOVe GUaRdiAn -- It iS AlwAys gOOd to HavE A SEcoNd voIcE OF rEaSOn In ThE
weeKly PUblIcaTioNs. -- DeATh sTuD, PLugGInG shAmELesSlY FoR THe ExcESSivEly
uNREaDablE USe oF CApiTalS AwArD

     Award?  Do I get to pick the prize? -- Ed., musing on the respective merits of
     various corrosive substances

Pip/Darque -- Based on Pip's calculations, I would recommend predicting yourself a
20-0 turn. -- Studs
P.S.  Good to have the both of you back in Aradi.

Odalisque -- That was surely an unfortunate matchup for the both of us. -- Loki

Nysterious Ways -- That wasn't a fight; it was a mugging.  Fighting implies both
people involved were engaged in combat.  Next time you want to fight give me a chance
to swing back, OK? -- Shrivelled Prune

B.C. Gold -- Smoked ya!! -- Coco Nuts

Taxman -- One small blow for smaller government, one large blow for taxpayers.  Oh,
and plenty of in-between blows just for good measure. -- Twig

Hawaiian Kona -- So much for burying the hatchet....  Nice recovery. -- Peach Fuzz

Happy Peasant -- I just look like I'm ripe for the picking! -- Plum

Okay, well I actually issued challenges this turn so I am getting better...still not
into the flow of the whole experience yet but I am getting there. -- Zalgor Prigg

Johnny Fourhooves -- May your little hooves get dry rot. -- Pink I

Darius -- What kind of challenge is that.  I call on you to be more fair next time.
-- Slugbait

TGG -- Watch it there with comments like "knock on wood" you don't want to get
censored; apparently it is going around. -- Rillion

Zalgor -- Ah, lazy lack of motivation, welcome to my spotlight writing frame of mind.
-- Rillion

Zig Zag Man -- Then I hope we never meet again. -- Venrek

Black Death -- Somehow I feel you won that... -- Star

Anti -- Thanks for another great spot! -- Hombre

Elephant -- Hey, what's that little red glowing light on  your forehead? -- Hombre

Elephant -- Hey, what's this little red glowing light on MY forehead? -- Hombre

TOGSERS -- Family takes precedence this turn.  Here's my one personal. -- Indimar

Snotman -- Maybe I should have gotten some of those zombie warriors of yours.  These
living ones of mine seem to blow fat, grey brain chunks.  Welp, time to re-regroup.
-- Nuln, hoping he doesn't have to re-re-regroup
P.S.  I am greatly saddened to see the name of your fine establishment changed to the
Blinking Sign.  I think you need to bake Ed. a cake, or maybe a couple dozen cakes,
or else I might have to stop drinking.

     It'd better be a darned good cake. -- Ed.

Mysterious Goatee Having Figure -- You, sir, have been served papers!  Please cease
and desist your mysteriousness and/or shave your goatee. -- The Original Mysterious
Goatee Having Figure of Aradi
P.S.  It's TOGS--of course we're fighting amongst ourselves!

Weka Dart -- Zzsssszt!  Zip it!  I don't want to hear anything! -- Zombielust

Johnny -- You can talk to me.  Just don't challenge me. -- The Pick of Destiny (or

The African Queen -- This ain't Africa, baby, or even Elsewhere, or Elsewhen or
Elsewhy.  But come back any time now, y'hear. -- McScrod

El Creepy One -- Even if I was a fetus, I would be too old to run this TOGS.  You
can't deny the truth, you can't! -- Nuln

Death Stud, Soultaker -- We gots to start on this turn tabulation stuff much sooner
mien freunds, or else Snotman and I will have to eat both of your brains in a giant
mind-omelet.  My brain, fortunately, is already long gone. -- Nuln, zombified years

Fusilli J -- I believe Pip can give you detailed dossier's on all the local butt-men.
-- Nuln

Fusilli J -- Hmmm.  Both my manager and I found that fight highly disturbinating.
Highly, highly disturbinating.  Ach. -- Master Exploder, reserving a block of time
next turn for the DA, just in case

Pip -- I just wanted you to know how much I appreciated the Anchor Man reference in
your spot last turn.  It helped numb the pain of my 1-4 as I lay curled up prone on
the floor.  Of course after the numbness faded the pain returned worse than ever, but
man did I enjoy that brief moment of sweet, sweet numbness. -- Nuln
P.S.  You stay classy!

Hombre -- I beg to differ.  Even if this isn't the greatest TOGS ever, it still will
be. Oh yes, mark my words, it will. -- Nuln, beggar of differers
P.S.  I hope you canceled all your speaking engagements.  Collagen-lip readers are
near impossible to find.

Flicked Ginders -- I tried really hard to mentally picture you as one of Indimar's
warriors, but when you hit me in the head with your darn sword it broke up my whole
visualization mojo. -- I Own Indimar

Pauly -- Lol, your ad to D. Studly ker-acked me up.  That was so in his face, I
confused it for his actual face for a sec.  However, since you failed to write a DM
column, I must now withhold my shipment of pig heads until t-6. -- Nuln

Hombre -- Are we there yet? -- Elephant

Indimar -- Thanks, that means so much coming for you. -- Elephant
P.S.  Stop playing WoW for a sec and call me back.

Nuln -- I'm glad someone is loving the Woodside.  Haven't been able to get anything
past Ed., yet.  I didn't even try this time.  Gonna wait 'til the guard is down and
then...wait is Ed. reading this? -- Elephantastic

     *silent glare* -- Ed.

I just want to let everyone know that I am still working my way through the
spotlights from the first two turns and I want to give a general shout out to the
amazing creativity (and the odd creepiness) that comes out during the TOGS.  Some
good stuff and really what makes TOGS still kick after all these years. -- Death Stud

L'Apprenti -- Well, I can't really say I had the wrong strategy to fight you, it's
just that the correct strategy didn't really help me all that much! -- Beast

Dunno -- I have to admit that was closer than I'd have liked. -- Wrath

Busted Nuts -- I have to say that was not nearly as close as I'd have expected. --

Odalisque -- My friend, if one of us had to lose and the other had to get rocketed up
the ranking and be stuck up in the challenger champs, I can say in all honesty that I
am happy that you won that fight.  Plus, your manager could always use a little ego
boost.  I guess that makes Death Stud and Soultaker 1-1 against each other this TOGS.
If it keeps going this way with a fight each turn between them, the first team to 7
wins will be the winner! -- Loki IX

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

AGAIN was butchered by SEA MONSTER in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
TRY was butchered by SPYMASTER in a 1 minute brutal Dark Arena duel.
ELEPUNK was easily killed by SPYMASTER in a 1 minute gory Dark Arena match.
FLICKED BOOGERS lost to WRATH LIX in a popular 1 minute gory master's Bloodfeud brawl.
DOUBLE D demolished PAPERCUT in a 2 minute gruesome mismatched Bloodfeud competition.
PAR overpowered MISS PIGGY in a 1 minute one-sided Bloodfeud struggle.
ARISTOTLE was bested by HARD CIDER in a 2 minute novice's Bloodfeud competition.
LOKI IX handily defeated WEEZY DANG in a 1 minute uneven Challenge melee.
EDWARD KINGSLEY won victory over WEKA DART in a popular 1 minute Challenge duel.
STITCHES vanquished MONKEY PAW in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
DUNNO was overpowered by THE RIDDLER in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge Title melee.
ALLAN JOHNSON savagely defeated JACK THE RIPPER in a 6 minute Challenge match.
ZIG-ZAG MAN butchered COCO NUTS in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge battle.
911 devastated HOWLER XIII in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge bout.
NYSTERIOUS WAYS overcame HAWAIIAN KONA in a action packed 1 minute Challenge fight.
PANAMON was bested by BOY GEORGE in a 2 minute Challenge duel.
L'APPRENTI was overcome by RESPECT THE PACKAGE in a 1 minute Challenge bout.
PEACH FUZZ devastated SCORN BREAD in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge brawl.
SPIRITWALKER overpowered VENGANZA in a exciting 1 minute one-sided Challenge match.
RYEHARD overpowered I OWN INDIMAR in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge conflict.
SHMEGMA was bested by WARM PIRATE in a 4 minute Challenge bout.
MAITRE BOULANGER overpowered READY, STEADY, GO in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
WILD YOUTH overpowered TAXMAN in a 2 minute gruesome uneven Challenge fray.
EDIE was devastated by SETH DRAVEN in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
CHALLAH POINT was overpowered by ACIDULOUS in a 2 minute uneven Challenge fight.
WILD FLOWER was overpowered by NOODLY APPENDIX in a 2 minute uneven Challenge fight.
DOUBLE CHOCOLAINE was overpowered by GHNSGFI in a 1 minute uneven Challenge match.
EQUIPOLLENT executed POKE IN THE I in a 1 minute uneven Challenge duel.
GUNPOWDER beat KING ROCKER in a 2 minute Challenge fray.
TOWEL BOY was beaten by KELLY FABULOUS in a 2 minute Challenge competition.
JOHNNY FOURHOOVES won victory over THE EX in a 2 minute Challenge bout.
FEZ was narrowly defeated by VENGRAZ in a 2 minute Challenge fight.
CRUCIFIED vanquished FUSILLI JERRY in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fray.
PINK I luckily beat SHA'LONDA in a 2 minute gory Challenge match.
SOCRATES luckily beat SCARLET ABATTOIR in a exciting 4 minute gory Challenge bout.
SHEEPY THOMPSON was handily defeated by LE FOURNER in a 1 minute Challenge match.
GALILEO lost to EVIL AYE in a 1 minute Challenge fight.
LUCKY CHARMS was butchered by TEMPE FACER SCROD in a 2 minute Challenge battle.
SENTINEL unbelievably bested DEAD ALIVE in a action packed 6 minute Challenge bout.
MASTER EXPLODER demolished ICE CREAM SOLDIER in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge match.
I EYE luckily beat THE AFRICAN QUEEN in a popular 4 minute gory Challenge duel.
TIFFERS lost to SHAMIKA in a crowd pleasing 3 minute brutal Challenge bout.
HOLOCAUST was overcome by NIAGARA FALLS in a 1 minute novice's Challenge duel.
MANHATTAN PROJECT assassinated PICK OF DESTINY in a 1 minute uneven Challenge battle.
WHITE WITCH viciously subdued HOFFA in a unpopular 18 minute veteran's struggle.
TYVEK was handily defeated by BURNT OFFERINGS in a 1 minute mismatched fight.
VENREK luckily beat VOLMAX in a crowd pleasing 3 minute brutal expert's competition.
TIGER TY savagely defeated RETRIBUTION XXIX in a popular 6 minute veteran's fight.
ODALISQUE overpowered YELLOW JACKET in a 1 minute uneven bout.
AIMLESS was overpowered by GAZREK in a exciting 1 minute uneven competition.
BUSTED NUTS demolished TWIG in a 1 minute one-sided conflict.
DAY BY DAY demolished STAR in a 4 minute gory one-sided battle.
ZOMBIELUST handily defeated SHRIVELLED PRUNE in a 1 minute mismatched contest.
PLUM was savagely defeated by B.C. GOLD in a exciting 3 minute brutal struggle.
T MARIE bested OVERTIME in a 2 minute bloody fight.
3D'S NOT L33T demolished SISTER MOON in a 1 minute mismatched battle.
GREEN DISEASE viciously subdued MCSCROD in a popular 2 minute gruesome bout.
CHONDROMALACIA was unbelievably bested by PRIVATE EYE in a popular 12 minute fight.
BEAST XVII handily defeated BLACK DEATH in a 1 minute one-sided contest.
100 PUNKS savagely defeated SARDASIA in a action packed 4 minute brutal fight.
IRON HYDE was overcome by DESEARTES in a popular 5 minute amateur's battle.
GILMMAO bested JAYSON DAYDE in a crowd pleasing 4 minute novice's fight.
FGGMOGO subdued LOST BREAD in a 1 minute beginner's duel.
IJEOOGI overpowered FRIENDLY CONSTABLE in a 1 minute one-sided fight.
SUGAR luckily beat TAKE ANOTHER SHOT in a tiresome 14 minute beginner's melee.
LEATHAM was subdued by PLATO in a 2 minute beginner's battle.
JOHNNY defeated TOGS CHOKER in a 2 minute amateur's fight.
DARIUS demolished IICERGS in a 1 minute mismatched duel.
HARUSPEX beat DGA in a popular 3 minute novice's match.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|STRIKING ATTACK                 41         TOTAL PARRY       81 -  50 -  1      62  |
|LUNGING ATTACK                  25         WALL OF STEEL     42 -  28 -  3      60  |
|TOTAL PARRY                     19         LUNGING ATTACK    88 -  94 -  5      48  |
|AIMED BLOW                      13         STRIKING ATTACK  136 - 152 - 12      47  |
|WALL OF STEEL                   10         PARRY-STRIKE      16 -  19 -  0      46  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                  9         AIMED BLOW        34 -  41 -  3      45  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   8         PARRY-RIPOSTE      6 -  11 -  0      35  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     4         PARRY-LUNGE        7 -  14 -  0      33  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      3         BASHING ATTACK    33 -  68 -  2      33  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    2         SLASHING ATTACK   24 -  50 -  4      32  |

Turn 438 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

PARRY-LUNGE        3 -  0     LUNGING ATTACK     9 - 16         5  STRIKING ATTACK
PARRY-RIPOSTE      2 -  0     AIMED BLOW         4 -  9         3  TOTAL PARRY    
WALL OF STEEL      7 -  3     PARRY-STRIKE       1 -  3         1  BASHING ATTACK 
TOTAL PARRY       13 -  6     BASHING ATTACK     1 -  7         1  WALL OF STEEL  
SLASHING ATTACK    5 -  4                                       1  SLASHING ATTACK
STRIKING ATTACK   21 - 20     

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
STRIKING ATTACK  THE RIDDLER 7852           16   8  2  136 CRAZY CREEPS (207)
TOTAL PARRY      VENREK 7477                17   5  0  110 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
BASHING ATTACK   VOLMAX 7592                 7   6  0  105 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
WALL OF STEEL    TIGER TY 7665              19  15  1  104 WING HOVE (529)
SLASHING ATTACK  ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083           12   9  1  101 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
LUNGING ATTACK   TYVEK 7478                 10   9  0   85 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
AIMED BLOW       WEEZY DANG 7909            10   9  0   77 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
PARRY-STRIKE     TWIG 8096                   6   4  1   49 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
PARRY-RIPOSTE    MAITRE BOULANGER 8350       3   1  0   39 LA BOULANGE (626)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is DUNNO 6988.  The most popular warrior this turn was 
ALLAN JOHNSON 8232.  The ten other most popular fighters were TIGER TY 7665, DEAD 
ALIVE 8503, B.C. GOLD 7787, CHONDROMALACIA 8432, IRON HYDE 8452, 100 PUNKS 8491, 

The least popular fighter this week was HOFFA 7713.  The other ten least popular 
fighters were WHITE WITCH 7542, SUGAR 8534, TAKE ANOTHER SHOT 8558, PRIVATE EYE 8425, 
STAR 8427, IICERGS 8524, BLACK DEATH 8446, MCSCROD 8481, SISTER MOON 8489, and 

The following warriors will travel to AD after next turn:


The following warriors have traveled to AD after fighting this turn: