DUEL 2 NEWSLETTER
Date : 04/04/2008 Duedate: 04/17/2008
COLLUSION COVE ARENA
DM-60 TURN-439
This Weeks Top Honors
THE DUELMASTER IS
WRATH LIX
DEATH STUDS VII (301)
(60-7899) [14-3-1,151]
Chartered Recognition Leader Unchartered Recognition Leader
WRATH LIX T MARIE
DEATH STUDS VII (301) MY PRESENT (637)
(60-7899) [14-3-1,151] (60-8522) [2-2-0,45]
Popularity Leader This Weeks Favorite
ZIG-ZAG MAN GAZREK
MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
(60-7083) [12-10-1,101] (60-7858) [9-6-0,83]
THE CURRENT TOP TEAM
CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
TEAMS ON THE MOVE TOP CAREER HONORS
Team Name Point Gain Chartered Team
1. WILD CARDS (148) 51
2. MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 41 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
3. CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) 41 Unchartered Team
4. GRECO-ROMAN (639) 37
5. DREAMTIME (633) 36 GRECO-ROMAN (639)
The Top Teams
Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K
1/ 1*GRECO-ROMAN (639) 14 6 0 70.0 1/ 1 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) 13 2 0
2/ 2 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) 137 93 8 59.6 2/ 2 CRAZY CREEPS (207) 11 3 1
3/ 3 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) 38 28 2 57.6 3/ 7 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) 10 5 1
4/ 4 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) 31 24 7 56.4 4/ 4*GRECO-ROMAN (639) 10 5 0
5/ 5 DEATH STUDS VII (301) 520 412 20 55.8 5/ 6 DEATH STUDS VII (301) 10 5 0
6/ 6 CRAZY CREEPS (207) 598 487 20 55.1 6/ 8 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 10 5 0
7/ 8*THE EYES HAVE IT (632) 16 14 0 53.3 7/10*THE EYES HAVE IT (632) 9 5 0
8/11 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 231 206 13 52.9 8/ 5 DREAMTIME (633) 9 6 0
9/ 7 PASTAFARIANS (630) 29 26 0 52.7 9/18 WILD CARDS (148) 8 6 1
10/12 WILD CARDS (148) 787 708 34 52.6 10/ 3 TPW FOREVER (619) 8 7 0
11/18 DREAMTIME (633) 23 21 0 52.3 11/ 9 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) 8 7 0
12/ 9 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) 16 15 0 51.6 12/14 PASTAFARIANS (630) 8 7 0
13-15 UNDERDOGS (5) 284 288 16 49.7 13/23 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 7 8 1
14/16 TPW FOREVER (619) 33 35 4 48.5 14/21*CLNGE (638) 7 8 0
15/22 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) 100 109 2 47.8 15/16 WING HOVE (529) 7 8 0
16/20 4000 BLOWS (107) 696 773 32 47.4 16/13*LUROCIANS T308 (636) 7 8 0
17/25 SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586) 43 48 2 47.3 17/27*NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) 6 9 1
18/21 THE BUNKHOUSE (595) 94 106 2 47.0 18/12*DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) 6 9 1
Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K
19/26 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 75 85 4 46.9 19/11 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) 6 9 0
20/24 WING HOVE (529) 123 141 6 46.6 20/24*LA BOULANGE (626) 6 9 0
21/19*LUROCIANS T308 (636) 11 13 0 45.8 21/19 4000 BLOWS (107) 6 9 0
22/23 HIT ME WITH... (503) 76 90 3 45.8 22/28*MY PRESENT (637) 5 10 1
23/10*DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) 9 11 1 45.0 23/15 THE BUNKHOUSE (595) 5 10 0
24/17 PURE EVIL (629) 24 30 2 44.4 24/17 SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586) 4 2 0
25/27*LA BOULANGE (626) 13 17 0 43.3 25/20 HIT ME WITH... (503) 4 10 0
26/28 FUNKY FOLK (565) 68 96 10 41.5 26/22 PURE EVIL (629) 4 11 2
27/29 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591) 82 125 6 39.6 27/32 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) 3 6 0
28/30*CLNGE (638) 8 13 0 38.1 28-30 UNDERDOGS (5) 2 3 0
29/33*NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) 8 17 1 32.0 29-31 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD (585) 1 4 0
30-31 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD (585) 20 46 4 30.3 30/33 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591) 0 6 0
31/32*MY PRESENT (637) 5 15 1 25.0 31/29 FUNKY FOLK (565) 0 2 0
32-35*THE MIB (304) 0 1 0 0.0 32-35*THE MIB (304) 0 1 0
'*' Unchartered team '-' Team did not fight this turn
(###) Avoid teams by their Team Id ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank
TEAM SPOTLIGHT
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ THE ARADI INSURANCE OFFICE ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Devil's Workshop Turn 4
The phone rang only once before it is promptly answered, "Aradicare Insurance
Company, how may I help you today?"
"This is Nuln, and I have a question about my coverage."
"Mr. Nuln, we have already told you once today that the arena healthcare plan
does not cover gender reassignment surgeries, nor have we ever heard of species
reassignment surgery," A-sop the mild-mannered receptionist answered. Nuln was a
frequent caller to the hotline and one A-sop had dealt with on many occasions.
"Yeah, I know all of that, but I have a new question for you," he responded. He
heard a deflated sigh from A-sop on the other end of the Aye-Phone.
"What is it now?"
"I think I might have a stud. Does the insurance cover those?" Nuln said in a
quiet voice.
A-sop did not believe she heard him correctly, "You have a what?"
"You know, a stud."
"I have no idea what a stud is; I work in Aradi," she paused before her next
statement because she knew she would come to regret it. "Would you care to elaborate
a bit."
"You know a stud. A umm, its one of those umm. Wow, how do I say this. When a
man and woman love each other," Nuln began.
"Whoa, whoa. Keep it in check there, buddy. I think I know where this is
going. You have an STD. It's an acronym not a word," A-sop corrected.
"Oh, I was wondering why all the letters were capitalized," he admitted. "So,
does our insurance plan cover it?"
"Let me check the computer. The computer says 'NO'."
"What do you mean no, how can it say no?"
"Well, I punched in STD, which it said we covered, then I punched in your name
to which it replied improbable. Okay, thank you, have a nice day," A-sop ended the
call with Nuln stammering.
As soon as she hung up the phone, it began to ring again. "So help me if this
is him calling back I may have to sign a suicide pact with a shady arena drifter."
She picked up the phone and said, "Aradicare Insurance Company, how may I help you
today?"
"Hey. I uh, I need to uh. Hey," the voice sounded foggy and almost incoherent.
"Hello to yourself, how can I help you today, Street Legal?"
"Hey, does my insurance plan cover all medicinal supplies, specifically umm,
herbs and spices?" Street asked.
"Let me see what the computer says. It says that 80% of your "herbs" are
covered under the policy, which means we will pay $40 dollars of your first $100
dollars purchased. It then says do the math, stoner. Not sure what that is all
about."
"Oh, okay thanks." Click.
The phone began to ring again. "Sometimes it just doesn't pay to come to work.
Aradicare Insurance Company, how may I help you?"
"This is Mannequin. I think I got bitten by a werewolf or a werecat or
something another last night. My doctor says that I'm likely going to turn into some
kinda creature, depending on what bit me. Apparently it's some ancient curse. Will
my insurance cover any of my medical bills or wrongful death claims against me when I
go into a deadly bloodlust and attack anyone in my vicinity?"
"We are sorry, but since it is an ancient curse it is considered a pre-existing
condition. We won't be able to help you with this one. Just so you don't get any
ideas about bringing your deadly bloodlust kill-fest to our offices, be forewarned
that we are well-stocked with silver arrows and expert marksmen. Thank you and have
a nice day!"
RING! RING! RING!
"Aradicare Insurance Company, how can I help you?"
"Je ne sais pas si c'est Francais approprie, mais il est le meilleur que je peux
faire pour un projecteur d'arene," a voice said.
"I'm sorry Pentalque, you should have pressed 3 at the automated prompt. You
will have to call back," A-sop hung up the phone. "Well, I think that it is time
for lunch. In fact, I think it is time to call it a day."
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Strip Poker -- Snotman ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Snotman walked opened the door to the zombie common room and walked in, Rob,
Sherri, Roger and Barbara were sitting around a table with a deck of cards, "What are
you guys up to?" Snotman asked.
Rob grinned, "A little strip poker, you want to join us?"
Snotman looked down at his naked body, "I think that I lost already."
Sherri said, "It's OK, we're playing zombie style, you'll be fine."
Snotman said, "What the heck," and sat down at the table.
Snotman was surprised when Sherri started unbuttoning her blouse and then
removed her bra. When she stood up and wiggled out of her skin tight jeans, Snotman
asked what she was doing. "It's much less of a mess this way."
Snotman was confused by her reply but the rest of the zombies seemed to agree
and slipped out of their clothes and stacked them neatly in the corner of the room.
Let me take this opportunity to clear up a couple of common misconceptions about
zombies. The first is that they are rotting corpses whose putrefying flesh fills the
air with a miasma of death. Sure if you take a rotting corpse and reanimate them,
you get a rotting corpse that can shuffle. But if you take a fresh corpse and
reanimate them they look just like they did before they died. So Sherri looked like
any other fit young woman in her early 20's except for the stitching that held a
puckered chest wound, where Rob had stabbed her, closed. The other thing about
zombies is that they don't heal on their own. So if you scratch a zombie's arm that
wound will never heal. But you can close almost any wound with stitching and the
zombie can continue on unaffected. And of course this is all true with the caveat
that they continue to feed on the brains of the living. A starving zombie will begin
to putrefy with their skin and muscle sloughing off their bones and their brains
dribbling out of their ears. Snotman's four zombies were well fed and their skin was
tight and their color was healthy and lifelike.
Rob dealt out the first hand, "The game is 5 card draw, one-eyed jokers are
wild."
Snotman looked at his hand and was feeling pretty good about a pair of 8's.
"So, when do I bid?" he asked.
Rob answered cryptically, "You already bid when you sat down."
Snotman asked for three new cards and picked up a pair of aces and then he was
feeling really good about his hand. When they all revealed their hands, the zombies
groaned and then Rob produced a hatchet and a hacksaw from a bag at his feet. "OK"
he said, "fingers..."
Sherri grabbed the hatchet and with one smooth chop removed her pinkie finger.
Meanwhile Rob was sawing away with the hacksaw and Barbara and Roger were waiting
patiently for their turn. Snotman blanched and stammered, "Umm...thanks for the
round of cards but I...uh...really need to be going now, I just remembered that I was
making a souffle and I don't want it to fall."
An ichor smeared hand pushed Snotman back down into his chair, "You said you
were in," Rob purred in a smooth voice. "Are you chickening out Boss?"
Snotman knew that he was in a bit of a pickle, he didn't really look forward to
losing any body parts but on the other hand it would be dangerous to lose the respect
of his zombie army. When Sherri put her thumbs in her armpits and started the
chicken dance, Snotman knew that his goose was cooked (to mix and match my fowl). He
forced a hearty grin, "I guess that souffle isn't as important as spending some good
quality time with my zombie friends. OK, deal me in for another hand."
As the evening went on, a couple of things became clear to Snotman, he wasn't
really very good a poker and losing hurt him a lot more than the zombies. Oh sure,
he wasn't going to bleed to death, after the first finger he realized that a quick
smear of slime over the stump would stop the blood flow, but losing body parts really
didn't seem to have any effect on the zombies. Although they had started with
fingers, Snotman quickly realized that it was going to be very hard to hold his cards
and so after he was done with his left hand he switched to toes. Roger, who didn't
seem to be the brightest bulb in the light socket got down to a finger and a thumb
before he realized this. His poor grip on his cards occasionally allowed this
opponents to see his cards.
As Barbara's methodical sawing took off her leg at the knee, Snotman realized
that he wasn't really interested in losing any major limbs. Since he wasn't winning
on his own, he was going to have to cheat. After having played a dozen rounds of
poker and shuffled every time, a little bit of his slime was own each card. By
concentrating Snotman realized that he could sense what each card his opponents were
holding was and what was in the deck. And even pull a card that wasn't on top with a
little selective lubrication. It was most effective when he was dealing but just
knowing what his opponents were holding gave him an edge and deciding what cards to
keep and what to trade in. Slowly the tide turned and Snotman started winning more
than he was losing. To no one's surprise, Roger was the first to lose all of his
limbs. Since he couldn't chop of his own arm, Sherri volunteered to do it and she
seemed to be enjoying it just a little too much. After he was done she stacked him
and his limbs like cord wood and came back to the table.
As the piles of limbs grew higher and higher Rob threw his cards on the table,
"I think that we can all see where this is going...Snotman you beat us fair and
square."
Snotman grinned, his face pulled tight with pain and smeared with blood, "I
would hate to think that anyone was quitting."
Rob look at Sherri and Barbara, "Ok let's play this out to the end."
Of course since Snotman was cheating the end wasn't that far away. Sherri was
the last opponent and Snotman carefully laid her on the ground and then offered her
the choice of hatchet or hacksaw before removing her last limb. Then Snotman
retrieved his own limbs and carefully rubbed a bit of slime on each stump before
reattaching them. When he was all done he stood up and tested each one to make sure
that it was working. His testing was interrupted by an amused voice from the corner
of the room, "You put your pinkies on backwards."
Snotman looked over at Rob's smirking face and then held his pinkies up against
each other and swore. Sure enough he'd put the left pinky on the right hand and vice
versa. "You think that this is funny? At least all of my limbs are attached to me.
If you aren't more polite I'll put your legs on backwards or maybe just switch your
arms and legs. That reminds me of a old joke, 'What do you call a zombie with no
arms and legs stacked like cordwood in a basement?' You don't know? Rob."
Snotman laughed long and hard with a strange edge to his voice at his own joke.
Then he turned and waved to his disassembled zombies, "I'll send some snotlings to
stitch you up. Get some rest; we'll be harvesting more bodies tomorrow."
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
----- ----- ----- [Samwise the Bald] ----- ----- -----
THE ARADI ENQUIRER
"The voice of the people"
Volume I, Issue 2
A few words from the Editor:
Greetings, citizens of our fair island community! The premier issue of our
little literary venture has been well received. Words of encouragement and support
are pouring into our offices. It seems the people of Aradi were indeed hungry for an
alternate news source.
The front page of our second issue will be devoted to sharing a letter sent to
our offices expressing overwhelming support. We have edited out frivolous words and
phrases so as not to distract our readers with unnecessary fluff. Enjoy!
Your editor,
Rufus
A LETTER TO THE EDITOR:
Xxx xxxxxxx xxxxxxx Rufus!
Xxx xxxx xxx! Xxxxx xxxxxx xxxx x xxxx xxxx xxx xxx xxxxxxxx! Xxxxxxx xxxxx
xxx xxx xxxx xxxxx xxx x xxx xx xxxx xxxx. Xxxxxx xxx xxx xxxx xx xxxxx xxx that
xxxx.
Xxx xxxx xxxx x newspaper? Xxx is xxxx xxx xxxx xxxx xxxx. Xxxx xxxxxxx xxxx!
Xxx xxx xxxx "good"? -------------------------------------------
|GRAND RE-OPENING OF THE FRIED CHICKEN!! |
Xx Yours! |The fine establishment has been renamed. |
| |
The Crazy Creepster | Come join us at the Crotchety Crab |
xxxx xxxxx xxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx! | for fine food (tastiest crab dishes in |
| Aradi), spirits, and entertainment of |
More exiting stories on page 2. | the adult variety. |
-------------------------------------------
THE ARADI ENQUIRER
PAGE 2
NULN: CHAOS LORD OR COMPENSATING?
By Garrett Toobe, staff writer
We have all seen the image of the fearsome Chaos Lord, Nuln. Clad in black,
chaos helm atop his grim brow, Nuln has prowled the streets of Aradi for many years.
Long have stories of his terrible temper and general chaos-ness struck fear in the
hearts of Aradi.
But lately, reports have begun to surface that suggest otherwise. Perhaps, as
this reporter has reason to believe, there is a bigger--or should I say smaller?--
issue at work?
MORE OF THIS STORY ON PAGE 3
Soultaker and Death Stud: More Than Just TOGS partners?
By Pearl Collard, staff writer
Recent events in town have the gossip mill working overtime. It would seem that
everyone's favorite manager duo, Soultaker and Death Stud, have been up to more than
just the TOGS.
Just yesterday, Aradi's most famous duo was spotted quarreling at the noted
watering hole, The Purple Legging. For those of you who may not know, the Legging is
the--ahem--"alternative" tavern in our community. Shouting, crying (by the Stud),
finger snapping, and head movements were said to abound.
MORE OF THIS STORY ON PAGE 4.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ La Boulange ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
The tide is definitely turning; one team quit, so in a few turns we should grab
the thirteenth place...a couple more steps after that and we might even achieve the
dream of entering the top ten!! Powwahh!
For Easter leftovers, there is only one place: our quality shop. Anyone buying
three week old candy somewhere else is a baboon and will be devoured by rabid dogs.
That's some advertising, don't you think? But stale Easter treats is not our first
order of business.
With the tourney announced we thought about an interesting contest-in-the
contest: we will be selling late Cakes for Kings. I don't know if this custom is
well-known in these parts of Alastari, but in my home country, bakers sell special
flat cakes stuffed with frangipani during the month of January. One small token is
hidden inside and the lucky dog that gets the right share is the King and gets the
golden paper crown. This is supposed to remind us of the gifts from the kings to the
young messiah.
So, for the next turn, I will offer a Wonder Warrior pastry: the Bonused King
Doughnut. The doughnut will be stuffed with ten bonus tokens and will cost only one
scimitar, ten war flails or a corpse. We will also accept one ear of Anti (that will
be explained later!). It's a once-in-lifetime opportunity! Some skeptical
fruitcakes will ask where the tokens come from? You all know the answer: our baked
hordes are going to storm the upcoming tourney and will come back with hands full of
bonuses! First come, first served--we are baking only a million doughnuts, so hurry!
Moreover, in one doughnut we will put our most precious French specialty: a
Love charm. The eater will be irresistible and will be swarmed by budding Flower
Girls. By the way...my wife and I had a little chat about that late stroll with the
Girls a few weeks ago: it was NOT me...must have been someone else. Us French are
too often the victims of our good looks and infamous reputation. Please bear in mind
I would never indulge in such vicious habits. That night, I was minding my own
business in the small dark alley just behind our bakery.
Another rumor I would like to dispel is this weird one: we could have used the
rotten body parts of some freshly disappeared managers in our recipes. Manager is
NOT in our doughnuts. It's a blatant lie. Apparently people misinterpreted our sign
which touted the Manager's Special. Besides, eating fellow managers is no good
either. I wouldn't do that. Never. And I wouldn't take money for junk food...we
run a quality business.
Well now, about that chipmunk waiting in the backyard to kick our butt: that is
a Giant Horned Bloodthirsty Evil Death Chipmunk, and that's not funny, which is why I
will be accepting Anti's ears as a payment for doughnuts. If you can't get the ears,
come with what you can snatch. We will talk. Hum, by the way that Guy from the Land
of the Flat Bread called me obese...I guess our last spotlight properly answered that
calamity, but TGG's ears will be gladly taken as well. I read an interesting
sentence about his eviscerated corpse. That is nice. I would like to see that. Too
bad I just swore I wouldn't use body parts in my cakes. That would make some
interesting doughnuts though. However, let me emphatically reiterate that I am not
advocating that TGG should be impaled, seasoned, lightly baked and brought by our
kitchen (wink).
In any case, it's time for some adjusting. I must warn Bashera stable that he
can't just make pancakes in the arena like that. Pancakes have to be done in a
proper tax paying shop. So please respect the honest workers.
Le Pentarque, improving baker...ah hah hah hah...they will all get fatter!!
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Old Warriors ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
It was late. Everyone had left the tavern except him; him and the rugged
looking barkeep who kept glancing his direction wanting to close but afraid to try
and push the matter.
"You ok, buddy?"
There was no reply.
A redheaded, busty woman came down the stairs.
"When are you coming to bed?" The barkeep through her a look and twitched his
head in the direction of the old warrior.
"Ah." Then quieter, "Is that who I think it is?"
"Yeah."
"When did he get back?"
"Few weeks ago."
"I thought he died?"
"No."
"You sure that's him?"
"Yeah."
"Didn't he try and kill himself?"
"Yeah."
"Didn't succeed, I guess."
"You think?"
"He is old now."
"Happens to the best of us."
He glanced their direction and shook his mug.
"Should I get him another one?"
"He looks sad."
"Is that a yes?"
"Yes, get him another one. I hate sad old people."
"I wish he would go home."
"He looks pathetic."
"I hope I am never that old and pathetic. I think it is better to die before
you get like that."
"You think?"
"I don't know."
The barkeeper headed over and filled the old warrior's mug.
"Last one pal...need to close."
The old man looked his direction. The barkeep was suddenly unsure of himself
and walked back to the bar.
"Go to bed. I will be up shortly."
"Ok."
The old man drained his mug and pounded the table for more.
"Sorry pal, I need to close."
The old man stood, walked toward the bar and reached into his tunic.
The barkeep jumped.
"Take it easy, pal."
The old man pulled forth a handful of gold coins and dropped them slowly one
after the other onto the bar. W hen his hand was empty he turned and walked toward
the door. A blast of cold wind greeted him. He tightened his tunic and headed out
into the night.
The barkeep locked the door and began to blow out the lanterns.
"Crazy old man," he muttered to himself. "Should have done a better job offing
himself."
He felt guilty for saying it aloud.
"You coming to bed?" a voice yelled from up the stairs.
The barkeep looked around the tavern. It looked different in the near black.
It seemed dank and depressing. He always preferred the tavern when it was full of
people, full of life. Now it was like the old warrior, dark and sad. He moved
toward the door and opened it. The cold air greeted him.
"Where the hell are you going? " the voice from the stairs was pitched with
anger.
He looked over his shoulder, said nothing and walked out the door.
He walked until he came to a tavern still open. It was nice place.
"Nicer," he thought, "than mine."
He opened the door and seated himself at the nearest table.
"What can I get you, buddy?" The barkeep was young, good looking and powerfully
built.
He felt a twinge of jealousy.
"Ale."
"We are getting ready to close so just one, ok?"
He nodded and shot the kid a look, but the kid had already turned and walked
away not waiting for an answer. He returned and sat the mug down and went to the bar
where a pretty girl waited on him. They were whispering to one another. He couldn't
make it out and did really care to.
He drained his mug and set it carefully on the table. The boy came over.
"Thanks pal, we need to close her up, ok?" He indicated in the direction of the
girl at the bar and winked. "You get me?"
The older man nodded and stood. He straightened his tunic and headed toward the
door.
"Say," said the kid, "didn't you used to fight in the arena? Yeah, yeah, I know
you! You were great."
"Yeah, kid that was me." he said, but in his head the sentence finished, "just
another old warrior."
The air was colder now. He knew he would not sleep. He headed out the door
into the dark.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Triathlon Test ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
(A Crazy Creeps TOGS4 Presentation)
Oh, yeah. It was time for the annual AT&T! Everyone had waited with bated
breath for one full year, and it was now upon the wonderful people of Aradi. The
annual Aradi Triathlon Test. What an event!
Perhaps for the few simpletons and uninformed (re: Soultaker, Samwise, Stud,
Snotman, Swinetiger, Seraphim--oops, scratch that.) an explanation of the AT&T is in
order. It was really simple. (hence the need for and excess of simpletons) Every
year (hence--annual) starting at 3:33AM Saturday morning, there were three (hence--
triathlon) consecutive events which had to be completed by any, or in some cases
both, members of a two man team, and the team which completed them first received a
reward and the title AT&T DuoMaster.
There were just four teams left in the finals: Lurocian Demons--The Greek Guy
and Rillion; Threepeat--Soultaker and Death Stud; Nutsackz--Snotman and Nuln; Motor
City Madmen--Hammer and Street Legal. The preliminary events had eliminated the
cannon fodder. Haunt and General Ironside (Haunted Pasta) were the first
disqualified when they couldn't figure out how to fill out the strategy sheet. Then
came Villainous Legion--Manager and Seraphim--who were no shows claiming this
competition was way too hard for their limited skills. (It was a commonly known
fact.) The Collusion Team of Slugbait and Creepster were then disqualified when it
was discovered that Slugbait was a professional Triathlete and Iron Man Qualified.
(Ringers were not allowed in the AT&T!)
In the first round of preliminaries, Punk in Drublic fell by the wayside as
Hombre's tennis elbow began hurting and acting up during the intense up-and-down
physical competition, and Hombre was unwilling to try off-handed. Elephant said
"I'll do it for you! I'll do it for you." But Hombre's equipment was unable to
stand up to the job, even when enhanced.
The Mixed Up Philosophers (Zalgor Prigg and Tigtoad) and the Paulson Army of
Champions (Pauly and Indimar) both lost out at the same time when they crashed during
the preliminary Red Rover, Red Rover event. Indeed, Tigtoad was so disgusted that he
reretired from all Alastarian activities. It is rumored that Zalgor was relieved as
the heavy weight on his shoulders was so greatly reduced.
Killer Wedgies (Mannequin and Samwise) fell to the wayside when Samwise tried on
Mannequin's underwear for the Foxtrot competition and Mannequin upped his kill desire
beyond ten. Samwise was taken to the infirmary and thankfully never seen again.
Mannequin did not seem the least bit sad.
The Chocolate Fudge Monkey Express, with Pip The Troll and Master Darque were on
their game and on a roll until Team Monkey Fist (Flagg and Anti) purposely sabotaged
them due to outright jealousy. But teams ended up in a brawl and were disqualified.
Both Pip The Troll and Anti lost a couple of teeth, but everyone else said it
enhanced their appearance, so the fight was a good thing.
The French Bread Connection (Le Pentarque and Swinetiger) was just barely eked
out on the last phase of the preliminaries, when they failed the multiple choice
question "In what country is Paris?" and they chose the answer "Hilton" out of 1.
Darkholm 2. Hilton 3. France 4. All The Above.
The four teams were at the start line, which was lined with three spectators
(Death Stud's little wife and TGG's spouse plus her best friend who was also TGG's
private squeeze), at 3:33AM for the competition. The three events had been posted at
midnight and they were as follows:
1. 10 six-foot putts
2. 20 Free Throws
3. 3 Mile run/walk
The AT&T Starter called for the chosen four competitors to begin. Up stepped
Rillion, little Death Stud, Nuln, and Street Legal, apparently deemed the best
putters on their respective teams. The starter reiterated the rules. "At the
starting buzzer, begin putting from outside the 10 foot circle. You will all be
putting to the same hole. When you score ten putts, then hustle indoors to the gym,
where there are four baskets, one designated by name for each team.. Both players on
the team will shoot free throws alternatingly, while the other teammate rebounds,
grabs the ball on his own, and heads to the free throw line for his next shot. When
20 shots total are scored, the designated runner, who must be the one who did not
putt, hustles out of the gym to the run/walk start line, rings the bell, and takes
off. The first competitor to cross the finish line, three miles away at the middle
of the Aradi arena is the champion. Hopefully the stands will be full to cheer you
on. Any questions? None? O.K., on your mark. Get set. Go!" And the starting
buzzer buzzes loud. (Really loud. Like BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!)
Rillion, the cool cucumber (He does resemble one, doesn't he?) that he is sank
three balls before the rest of the opponents could figure out which end of the weapon
was up. Death Stud was having great trouble striking at the ball, as he could hardly
hold the putter which was three times taller than he. He began getting the range
when Soultaker tossed him a spoon to use, although he had to swing awfully hard.
Both Nuln and Street Legal, although being rather uncoordinated (At times,
embarrassingly uncoordinated.) began sinking a putt here and there. Within 10
minutes, the score was R=6, N=3, SL=2, DS = 0.
Rillion was losing concentration, and the others were aiming at his ball to keep
him from scoring. Especially Street who yelled out, "I'll kill you, Rillion, before
I let you win!" Things slowed down. Finally, though, at 27 minutes, Rillion
dribbled in his tenth, and he and TGG hustled into the gym. Nuln dropped ten at 33
minutes, with Street only a minute behind, Death Stud, as usual, still struggled.
Over at the gym, the scoring had started. TGG and Rillion with the head start,
and having been deemed the most athletic looking team, seemed to be scoring at will.
Snotman and Nuln, although having started behind, were hot! They were gaining.
Street Legal and Hammer were occasionally scoring with their elite underhand tosses.
Death Stud, on the putting green, as usual, still struggled, although he was up to
five made ten-footers.
"Hot dog!" yelled Snotman, as he sank his 20th, the same time as TGG's swished
the net. Both teams jogged and wobbled over towards the start line for the run/walk.
Street and Hammer banked in number 14. Death Stud, as usual, still struggled, but he
was up to seven.
Nuln and Snotman range the starter bell first, and Snotman began his dribbling
walk. He was oozing up the street and loosing fluid with every step. Seconds later,
Rillion and TGG rang the start bell, and TGG took off in a sprint. "Look at that guy
go!" screamed one of the sheep along the sideline. "I want him!"
Five minutes later Hammer and Street sank three in a row for twenty and they
headed to ring the bell for Hammer's run. Before he started off from the line,
Hammer dropped to his knees in a heartfelt prayer. Street smacked him up the side of
the head and said "get going." He did. (Street can be very mean and vicious when he
wants.) Death Stud, as usual, still struggled, but he was up to nine.
TGG was running fine, he had bounded by Snotman and was now a third of a mile
ahead and two-thirds of a mile into the race. Hammer, with a halo suddenly
appearing, was off his knees starting to jog. Death Stud, as usual, still struggled,
but he was really trying.
Seconds later, Death Stud smacked in his final putt. Soultaker carried him into
the gym. Hammer was quickly gaining on Snotman who was almost all dribbled out and
only half his original Snotty size. TGG was slowing down to a jog as he knew he had
a very big lead.
Soultaker and little Death Stud started shooting free throws and found they were
handicapped (It took them a while, but we, of course, already knew that.) as little
Death Stud could hardly roll the ball six feet away. Soultaker was getting angry at
having to always be the one to make things happen, and to always have to carry his
partner, TOGS after TOGS after TOGS. (He was probably thinking to himself how much
better it would have been to team with Managerr this year.) Finally after the
fifteenth try (and fourteen little Death Stud rolls) the team (meaning Soultaker)
scored.
By now the run/walk was nearing an end. TGG, jogging patiently had reached the
2.5 mile mark. Hammer, with his halo shining brightly, had overtaken Snotman and was
at the half way point. Snotman was gasping and groaning and hardly draining at the
one mile marker. He looked done. Soultaker made free throw number two.
About a quarter of a mile from the finish line, the sheep had gathered. As TGG,
looking good, came jogging by, head held high, they mugged him and dragged him into
the bushes. One was heard giggling, "I love those cute little nylon shorts; rip 'em
off!" Groans and sighs began to emanate from the bushes. TGG clearly was going to
be preoccupied for a while. Soultaker sank number three.
Hammer was tiring. After all, he was an old, old man. But he kept going. The
halo would not let him stop . Snotman had no halo. He was drained and stopped. TGG
had no halo, but he was having a good time--even though he was stopped. Soultaker
swished numbers four and five.
Hammer saw the commotion in the bushes as he struggled by. He wasn't sure what
was going on, but his halo darkened for the moment. He kept shuffling his feet
trying to conjure up a minor sprint for the finish. Soultaker banked in number six.
Little Death Stud could roll no more. It looked like Threepeat was done. Again.
Hammer crossed the finish line in a minor burst of speed, and broke the tape
with puffed out chest. Motor City Madmen had won! All four fans in the stadium
seats cheered on the victor. Street Legal was carted in to accept the winning trophy
with his partner. TGG continued to have a very big smile on his face while still in
the bushes. It would appear that he won the most. Snotman was near death. (So?)
Soultaker nestled in number eight.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Pure Evil ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
"Re-Training"
The all new all improved and all completely evil Haunt strokes his deliciously
evil goatee while watching his warriors stumble in from yet another disastrous run in
the arena. They all sat down at the table with Haunt, except for Papercut who
squatted on the floor stroking a dirty stinking burlap sack he'd been carrying around
recently. "Hmm. Apparently your former manager was a fool. Did he train you at
all, or did he just hand you weapons and tell you to go at it?" Sugar look up, "I
came in later and I don't know if you guys were hired the same way but when he saw I
had my own equipment I was hired. I wasn't going to tell him I'd just worn this
stuff for a costume party, he was paying well!" Haunt sighed. "Beautiful. I guess
I am going to have to teach you to fight a tad more...properly. Come back tomorrow,
I will have some new training exercises for you to try. Oh, and Papercut get rid of
that sack! The smell is making me nauseous!"
The next day Haunt took his gladiators behind their HQ to begin their re-
training. He sniffed the air a bit and quickly realized Papercut was still carrying
around that sack. He attempted to snatch it away but Papercut held it in a death
grip. "Give me that thing!" Haunt yelled while trying to grab the sack again.
Papercut began to tear up "But, but, I need it, for my records!" Haunt finally
managed to snatch the sack from him and peered inside. "What the heck is this, is
that some kind of giant chicken head? And are those bite marks? You know what. I
don't want to know. Keep the sack. Let us never speak of it again."
The training began with The Ex. Haunt handed her a stick and pointed at a dummy
he'd painted a red x on. "Er, shouldn't I aim a little higher boss?" Haunt smirked
"Most gladiators are men. I think if you practice hitting that spot repeatedly and
as violently as possible you will find you win the vast majority of your matches."
He moved on to Taxman. "Look from what I've seen so far you haven't done much
of anything. If you're just going to stand there, I've got just the thing for you."
Haunt opened a box to reveal a suit of armor that had been completely covered in
chrome. "Gah!" cried Taxman, "I'm blind!" Haunt twirled his mustache and laughed,
"That's the idea, my boy!"
"Now Overtime I suggest you..."Overtime cut him off. "Now look here! Back in
my day I we didn't have no fancy armor like that. We just got a friend to nail some
wood to our chest! We didn't have no hammers so we had to use our heads to bash the
nails in. Why I remember..." Haunt held up a hand. "Fine. Fine. You do whatever
it is you do. Now for the rest of you. We need to find a suitably evil strategy."
Haunt twirled his mustache again.
As the meeting came to a close, The Ex raised her hand "Er, boss. I get the
whole evil thing you've got going on, but don't you think a goatee AND a handlebar
mustache are a bit much? I mean they're both evil and all but do they really go
together?" Haunt just glared. The team shrugged and went off to practice some more.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ My Best Buds 2 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
<Cut forward to the duo of Soulie and Studoo at the lanes>
Soulie having enjoyed his order of Magic Onions and Studoo his Creepsterese
Oyster Bag, washed down with a fine chablis of course, have returned to their
original reason for coming: Bowling. Studoo pulled out his Elephant Bowling Ball
Bag and produced a tiny little two-pound ball (like you thought the one-inch wonder
could use a regular ball) which was a lovely yellow in color. Yes I said yellow!
"That's a fine ball for playing Jacks but we are bowling today little man, "
said Soulie as he adjusted the tilt of his jester's hat that matched his Iron Sheik
pointy bowling shoes nicely. Studoo shot him a nasty glare as he too adjusted his
jester's hat, but for him it was to pull it from over his eyes. After all there are
few hats that could fit the tiny manager well. He reached down and cinched tight his
Boys size 1 shoes in preparation for his assault upon the pins! "Hey Soulie," he
said in an irreverant tone, "are you going to go grab a ball or are you just going to
pull out that marble rolling around in your head and use that today?" Soulie stood
up and walked toward the rack of balls simply glaring at Studoo rather than wasting
his breath in response to his friend's zinger.
As Soulie strode towards the back wall he saw a ball that caught his eye. This
was a fine looking ball indeed. Simply perfect for him he thought to himself.
"Today I will dominate this match with my little buddy. I will indeed own him
tonight," he thought to himself. He tightened down his wristguard, designed
specifically for his limp-wristed style (j/k 'taker it's a movie reference I could
not refuse), and grabbed the ball that caught his eye. He chuckled an evil chuckle
to himself as he walked back to the lane where his buddy Studoo was doing some
stretching exercises.
"Good gods old man what the heck is that," Studoo scolded Soulie.
"It's the ball that's going to kick your butt little man," Soulie responded
back.
"Yeah that may be true but what kind of victory can you claim while holding a
pink paisley ball?"
Soulie just glared at Studoo and set the ball into the ball return, not giving
Studoo the satisfaction of realizing he had got to him yet again. "Ah well," he
thought to himself, "if I roll a ToGSerific game nobody will even notice." A
ToGSerific game is defined, by the Collusion Lanes manager, as any game above 200 (in
case anybody needed to be told that).
Studoo led off tossing his ball down the lane. Soulie yelled out, "Let me help
you out there my friend." He reached under the little table where he was keeping
score pressing a small button. As he did so two gigantic balloons inflated, one on
each side of the lanes. Studoo's ball ping-ponged back and forth down the lane and
slid in "Brooklyn" side. "Thanks there pinkie," he yelled out as his ball struck the
headpin. Suddenly a surprised look shot across his face as the head pin wobbled back
and forth refusing to fall.
Studoo slipped and fell in frustration as Soulie laughed at him. "Nice try but
I told you we're not playing jacks." Suddenly Soulie yelled out, "Hey little bro'
you better get up and clear out I think the ball is heading back this way."
Indeed it was it had bounced off the headpin and started back to whence it had
come (?). Soulie tried to get up but he had actually stepped just over the line and
was slipping upon the heavily waxed lane as the ball ping-ponged right back at him.
Will Studoo be run over?
Will Soulie stop laughing long enough to help his partner?
Will pink paisly become the new "IN" ball at Colls=usion Lanes?
Stay tuned!
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ****Flagg's TOGS spotlight**** ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
"You've got to be kidding? Really? No one died this turn?" Flagg said with a
glint in his eye. The manager of My Present had already begun shuffling through the
pile of applications for replacements in anticipation of this cycle's death. Putting
aside the stack of applications, he breathed a sigh of relief. Motioning for DGA,
his newest warrior, he walked to the door and beckoned the youngster to follow. The
young warrior followed him outside onto the balcony of the apartment the Rodekian
manager leased.
"I hate to break the news to you, DGA," the manager began, "but in all
likelihood you are going to die here in this arena."
The stunned look on the young warrior's face was obvious enough that even Flagg
could read his emotion. "Wha, what? What do you mean?" the warrior questioned.
"To be toatally frank, let's just say that you don't have the greatest, umm...
'intestinal fortitude' for the job." his manager replied. "But, before you take the
big dirt nap, I need you to do me a favor."
"And what would that be?" the warrior questioned his manager again.
"Well, your first fight wasn't a very good match up for your style. Now that
I'm able to post challenges for you, we're going to try to take advantage of that and
get you some fights that you have a chance of winning." Flagg stated, "What I need
for you to do is just to cause whatever havoc in the arena you can. Just go out
there with reckless abandon and do what you can."
"Ok, well, that was what I had planned on doing anyway." DGA said.
"I know that's what you were planning on doing. There's also one other little
thing that I would like you to do." Flagg stated.
"And what is that?" the warrior asked.
"Let's go for a walk. Away from the others for a moment, so I can explain in
precise detail what it is." Flagg replied. With that the two walked down the stairs
from the apartment and to the woodline that ran along the back of the complex.
*** *** *** *** ***
Double D let out a belch and loosened up the drawstring on his trousers. "Whew!
That was good! Where did Flagg say he got that 'pizza' from?"
"He said it was a staple of their diet on his homeworld." Tiffers replied.
"Man, they must live like kings in that homeworld of his. What was that other
stuff he talked about that he liked?" Double D asked his female team mate.
"I think he called it peanut butter." she replied. "Yo Leatham! Wasn't that
stuff that Flagg said he was going to give Anti called peanut butter?"
"Unnh..uh...unnnh...yeah, I think it was." Leatham called back from the confines
of the bathroom. "He said Anti wanted to give it to Manager. Said something about
Manger liked to use it as a hunting aid."
"What? Are you serious?" Tiffers questioned him.
"Yeah!" he yelled back. A few moments later he emerged from the bathroom to
notice the look of disgust on his teammates' faces.
"Light a match next time." Double D said half doubling over in disgust.
"Yeah, yeah. I hear ya." Leatham said, "Seriously, though, Flagg told me that
Anti had said that Manager places peanut butter on the end of his pole axe and lets
the sheep lick it off and then he traps 'em with a net."
"You're making that up." Tiffers retorted.
"No, I'm not. That's what Flagg told me and if he said it then it must be
true!" Leatham replied, "At any rate, is it just me or does anyone else think it's
odd that there are soooo many farm animals here in Aradi? I mean they are
everywhere!"
"Now that you mention it, yeah, that is odd." Double D spoke up.
"At least Flagg has come to his senses finally, after Gerr's death. It's a
shame his golden chicken died, but it was kind of creeping me out." Tiffers added.
"Well, the good news is that he's starting to act normal again." Leatham stated.
Just then, the front door of the apartment opened and in walked Flagg...with a
small pig tucked under his arm.
"I shall call him Ned!" the manager exclaimed and closed the door behind him.
Double D licked his lips and said, "Mmmmm...fresh bacon!"
Flagg popped Double D on the forehead with the back of his hand and said, "This
is our new mascot. No one is going to touch Ned."
Tiffers turned to Leatham and quipped, "I thought you said he was back to
normal?"
"Apparently, that is his normal." came Leatham's reply.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
How Many Different Ways Can We Find To Earn The Tip Cup by Zalgor Prigg
Okay, so TigToad and I have accomplished our first goal in the TOGS...we were
co-winners of the Tin Cup award for worst spotlight. I cannot speak for TigToad but
this is a great honor for me as realizing my complete lack of talent for creative
writing and not wanting to be mediocre I made it my personal ambition to be the
absolute worst instead. Gotta strive for something, nice to accomplish what you set
out to do.
Honestly I have no idea where to go from here. Writing half a column worth of
stuff that has any connection to the DM world is very difficult for me. I am good at
writing essays about specific topics, especially where statistics and evaluation is
concerned. Like most of us I am a math guy with an interest in competing with others
in an interesting and mentally challenging game format and am willing to pay (often
much more than I can afford) for the privilege. I have not been in the game for the
past two years so I really can't do anything on the recent state of the game or any
of its warriors. Other than TigToad, I have not been in contact with any of the
other managers really...unless you consider contacting The Greek Guy to get back into
the Brotherhood of the Blade. So here I sit, sure to get another Tin Cup to put on
my mantle...assuming I can somehow get to the required length for this spot.
I really think the Tin Cup thing is cool, it's much more practical than the
awards for the top, second and third best spotlights. It arrived in the mail a
couple days ago, was hoping it would be at least 20 ounces but turned out only to be
16. I have to fill it up 3 times to quench my thirst most of the time but the fact I
can use it for that purpose makes it better than a wall ornament.
My next spot will have to have a little more thought going into it...being a
single father with three kids age 7 and younger kinda makes my free time limited. I
am sure all of you would understand that when I get it (after work on Friday and
Saturday nights), I like to use it to relax outside of my home with other adults
doing things that preclude thinking of ideas for TOGS spotlights.
I suppose I could go a bit into the warriors I am sending to the Spring Mail In
(which will be exactly 2 years since my last tourney, the 2006 Spring Mail In). My
roster is only 14 as I do not have any quality basic warriors set up for the tourney
and lacked the resources to get the few I have that are good enough set up in time.
So my roster is basically my TOGS team (1 Initiate and 4 Apprentices, GHNSGFI being
the Initiate) along with nine ADM names that some of the experienced tournament
managers might recognize... Contenders: Manic dropped from Primus and has an
embarassing amount of skills above my next best Contender (Scarlet Hag) who has 3 TVs
and won't be running in tourneys again until Manic isn't. Eligibles: Alix who not
many will remember and will likely go 1-3 but I really like her. ADM: Tamrissa, who
TC'd Freshmen and was Runner Up in ADM 2 years ago. Roberto Leatham: just trying to
get some more trains before setting him loose at a Face sometime in the future.
Freshmen: John Tyler, Darkness Above, Frederick Douglass, Veloxi and Shen.
So that's all I have for now, no creativity but at least it was a more
interesting read than my conscious efforts to be the worst out here... Until next
turn.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Eyes Have It ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
"Boss, me no understand. Why u tell em I professional?" said a clearly sad
Slugbait. Stomping his huge clown shoe enclosed foot he added to his temper tantrum
by yelling, "ME want to WIN!"
"Listen up you big lug. Two things. First, I'm the brains around here and what
I say goes. Second, I had to get us disqualified from the AT&T triathlon so we could
get on with the real plan to win TOGS," chided a calm and clearly not crazy
Creepster.
"Me like um plan to win. It like Seraphim and Manager plan to go to beach till
everyone forgets about them? Me want em tan tu."
"No tanning. I've told you a thousand times that the sun if bad for your skin.
What I want you to do is break into the other contestants' guild houses and grab all
their info. You know, challenges, avoids, training plans. The good stuff."
"What u do," replied a clearly impressed Slugbait.
"I'm going back to my Crazy Old Creepster act. It fools them every time. At
last week's dance General Ironside laughed so hard he wet himself and he didn't even
guess I'd paid off his best warrior. What a smell," shrieked the Creepster as he ran
off foaming at the mouth.
Slugbait had a rarified sense of smell, being an Orc, and had come to the
conclusion that General Ironsides always smelled like he'd had an accident but what
confused him was why Haunt's pasta had a similar odor. Secret ingredient?
Slugbait lumbered off on his mission. The first guild house belonged to Rillion
and was in such a state of disrepair that the door was wide open. Paper was
everywhere, a fireplace filled to the brim, scorch marks on the walls, broken chunks
of weapons scattered on the floor and several pathetic looking golems chained inside
small pens. The big orc scanned the room looking for what looked like 'good stuff',
he didn't read after all, before finally grabbing a giant folder entitled "Commission
Audit: P athetic Golems a perfect match for managerial ability. What to do?"
Finding the white marble and columned house of the Greek Guy next Slugbait
bashed in the door with his maul. After all the Boss had said 'break in". Slugbait
wasn't sure about 'the good stuff' this time. It looked old, musty and smelled like
a rat version of General Ironside. But, a job was a job and Sluggy riffled through a
pile of scrolls before randomly selecting "Socratic love: a man, another man and his
packhorse. From Sammy to my favorite Herculean Hunk."
The next house was a tiny cottage that even a hobbit would have trouble
entering. Slugbait was quiet for a moment before erupting into action. Pile driving
his maul into the quaint house he pulped it into a thousand bits. "Me no have it.
Pink Pony man no have it," growled a slightly peeved Slugbait.
As his maul bashed a hole in the door Slugbait marched into the dilapidated
mansion with junk strewn around the yard. In the vestibule Slugbait stopped short as
he heard a deep manly voice call out.
"Is that you honey?"
In the dim light of the house Slugbait was finally able to make out a monstrous
figure dressed in a lavender muumuu that with red bobbed hair.
"Me em Slugbait. Me here for 'good stuff'."
"Honey I thought you'd never ask. I'm Patty the Fatty and I'd love to show you
the good stuff. But we will have to be quick before Soultaker gets home," replied
the deep gruff voice.
Patty showed Slugbait into a room that looked surprisingly like a bedroom.
"Honey do you always smell so good? The smell reminds me of the boys in FONZ."
"Me farted. To many eggs last week," replied a blunt Slugbait while blushing.
For a short time silence emanated from the run down mansion and then a wail that
would have killed an Elephant (the real kind not the guy bragging) came from the
bedroom. Through the broken door sprinted a panicked Slugbait. With plaid velvet
cape flapping in the wind, lime green shirt untucked and only one giant red clown
shoe on Slugbait ran as if his life depended on it.
Finally stopping, many, many leagues away, Slugbait panted, "Soultaker can keep
his 'good stuff'!" and then the Orc resumed running.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ --TigToad's Rant-- ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Do you know what I learned recently? I learned that the tin cup is not
considered a 'top TOGS prize?' I find this whole concept reprehensible. I was
reviewing the TOGS rules, aparently the goal of this contest is to make challenges
and win fights. I think you can see my problem with this situation.
If the main focus of this contest moves into the realm of competence and
vigilance, what will happen to those of us who are not of the competent bent? I
mean, some of us buy a couple roll-ups, create a few decent warriors, get them killed
and lose the blood feud challenge. This is what Duelmasters is truly all about.
Where are my points for having a warrior die? What about the points for successfully
turning in a bloodfeud? That type of thing takes minutes of planning and writing...
not to mention, a stamp.
It was just the other day, I was talking with Zalgor about this contest and we
were discussing how cool it was we won 7 of our 10 fights, sure 2 of our 3 losses
were our own challenges. We realize that challenges are an important part of this
game, but getting a challenge through is hard. Have you ever tried to challenge an
easy to beat warrior? There are, like, other people who challenge them, too. Half
the time, you don't even get the challenge off. Plus, my guys are always being
challenged by everyone. I'm not sure why that is, though.
Since I am not one to complain and not offer a solution, I am proposing some
revisions to the TOGS rules for the next round.
1. All warriors who fight, get 10 points. It takes a lot of courage just to
show up.
2. All managers who write a personal ad complaining about points their
warriors lose because they did not fight, get their 10 points retroactively.
3. Any team that challenges another team more than once successfully in a
turn, loses 100 points. It is not nice to pick on one person. Any team that wins a
challenge, does not get any points for that fight.
4. No upchallenges allowed. Warriors and managers should know their place.
5. No downchallenges allowed. It is not nice to pick on those smaller and
weaker than yourself. I guess TOGS already has this rule.
6. If you kill a warrior, you must not fight the guy who did the killing for
the remainder of the contest. They must spend the rest of the contest 'in jail.'
Afterall, murder is wrong.
7. Collusion should be allowed. It;s not really wrong to help your friends
out. The only people who don't like collusion are those who don't have the friends
to watch their back.
I hope everyone sees the wisdom in my suggestions and we can create a TOGS that
is truly friendly and open for all warriors. A TOGS that encourages managers and
warriors from a wide range of (special) ability levels. I think we would find this
to be a fun and comfortable surrounding that everyone might enjoy.
Good luck on the sands folks! --TigToad
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ 4000 Blows ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
My apologies to Mannequin and especially the Son of Mannequin, as the diskette I
had with the conclusion of "The Revenge of the Son of Mannequin" appears to have been
frakked upon arriving home from work. We shall have to continue that story next
turn, as the deadline for this turn looms nigh. In lieu, we will provide the
shortest and perhaps worst "spotlight" offering this turn. Luckily, the explanation
about why I don't have the spotlight for this turn has taken up a decent chunk
already of the continuing lame spotlight that is this turn.
Let's start a new paragraph to take up more space.
Hmm, I wonder, does it count if I double-space? Probably not.
Gods, how many more mor lines? <counting>
Ugh, this is like trying to do stand up or something.
If I remember correctly, this only has to be 31 lines. Unfortunately, I do not
have the formatting template, so I'll have to add even a little more to this piece of
trash, even sadder still. At least I know one thing for sure about this: I will
seriously be in the running for the Tin Cup, which is good thing, as I need a tin cup
to dig out my victims brains when I eat them.
Yeah, the cup is half full. The tin cup that is.
Oh, sweet lord have mercy....
<counting lines again...>
I'll have to talk to Snotman about my zombie scrod idea, I don't think it has
been done before. But I will save that for another turn.
At least Ed. won't have to worry about editing this one, unless she's editing
for boredom factor.
Ok, by my calculations I only need five more blessed lines before this nightmare
is over.
Wait, does that include the last two lines? Let me count again.
<counting again....>
As far as I know, there are no TOGS spotlight rules (written at least) for
disqualifying a spotlight for lameness factor. Good thing I'm Commissioner, I won't
be adding on that one.
Ok, just a couple more lines to make sure I don't get dinged. What to say, what
to say.
Well, that about wraps it up. If you've made it this far, there is sometihng
seriously wrong with you, and if you're not already seeing a psychologist, I would
recommend starting asap. All I can ask is for the collective forgiveness of Aradi,
which will never happen. Don't worry, I completely understand.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ -- It's not TV, it's Anti-TV -- ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
[The scene opens up with a scruffy, unshaven Anti sitting on his couch in his
boxer briefs (maroon with little gold wombats), a remote control in one hand, a bag
of Scrod-Itz (the scrod is baked right in!) in the other. After a tough week of
managing his team (his idea of managing involving a puppet show where Billy the
Beaver get syphilis. Don't ask.) and strategizing with Flagg (Flagg used flash cards
and a "Light Bright" to try and get the points across) Anti is worn out and ready to
relax and watch the Collusion Cove version of a tv that I'm not going to bother
explaining how this would be possible in this world.
So nyah.
Anyways, Anti is watching TV. In his underwear. Eating scrod-itz. Got it? Ok
let's move on...]
[Anti flicks through the channels, trying to find something worth watching.]
Anti: Geez, fourteen hundred and seventy two different channels and nothing to
watch so far except that Snotman Informercial for his chain of 'hot buttered monkey'
restaurants.
[Continues to flicker through the channels.]
Anti: Hmm... what this?
[On the TV is the graphic for "CSI: Collusion Cove" while "Let My Love Open the
Door" by Pete Townsend blares. Yeah, they finally ran out of Who songs.]
[The tv cuts to a really dark room surrounded by glass walls, high tech gadgets,
and supermodels walking around wearing glasses and lab coats in an effort to look
smart.
Rillion is sitting at a small wooden table, smirking at Detective Nuln who for
some reason is wearing glasses while inside a poorly lit room...]
Rillion: (looking rich and sleazy in his tailored Armani suit) " You can't hold
me here long detective. You don't have any proof, you can't disprove my alibi, the
sheep aren't going to talk and you can't even see anything because you won't take
those stupid sunglasses off. Once my lawyer gets here I'll be out and I'll have you
busted down so far down the ranks that you'll be wearing a dog costume and telling
kids not to snort paint thinner.
[Nuln leans over the table, slowly pulling his sunglasses down, and looks
Samwise in the eyes.]
Detective Nuln: (in a weird whispery voice) " You may leaveth, and I may haveth
no proveth, but I willeth. And then the snortingeth will be yours.
Rillion: " .......... That made no sense whatsoever."
Anti: Eh, I've seen this one. Ends with them sword fighting on top of a burning
oil rig. Again.
[Anti changes the channel. Now there is a still picture of Managerr smiling,
while holding a baby up in the air.]
"My name is Managerr and I approved this message."
Voice Over Guy: "It's time we had a TOGS commissioner who isn't the love child
of Satan and the gay Teletubby. Time for a commissioner who doesn't set fire to
orphanages because he likes the smokey, meaty flavor when he roasts marshmallows.
It's time for true leadership...MANAGERR leadership.!"
Anti: Yeesh the Daily Show doesn't even pretend to be unbiased anymore. Next.
[Anti changes the channel again.]
[Now the TV is showing a gaudy game show set where Death Stud is sitting in a
lighted glass high chair in front of shining white teethed game show host.]
Mark: "Welcome back to The Moment of Truth. As you saw moments ago our
contestant Death Stud correctly answered yes the question "Have you ever pee'd in
your non-alliance mates soda at a Face to Face?"
Death Stud: "Well who hasn't?! That was easy!"
Mark: "And now the next question is worth ten thousand scrodbucks. I'll pause
dramatically while suspenseful music plays."
[Suspenseful music plays. Death Stud's picture is pixilated for a moment while
he scratches himself.]
Mark: "For ten thousand scrodbucks... Would you leave your wife for Soultaker if
he regrew his ponytail?"
Audience: "OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!"
[Dramatic Music: Bum Bum Bum!]
Anti: Man, ever since Death Stud was on Extreme Makeover: Gnome Edition he has
become such a media whore... [ clicks his remote.]
[The VHI logo pops up.]
Voice Over Guy: "NEXT on Flavor of Flagg! Twenty skanks with incredibly low self
esteem and major daddy issues fight for the right to be Flagg's main lady!
Anti: I already TeeVo'd this. [ clicks the remote again.]
[We see the NBC Peacock for a moment before the screen cuts to Dateline: To
Catch a Predator...]
[Chris Hansen is sitting across a kitchen counter from the The Creepster.]
Bryan: "So what do you have to say for yourself?"
Creepster: "Yowsee blueberowski! Hivey divey davey! Scrodalucious!"
Chris: "So you expect us to believe you just came in to see if this fourteen
year old girl was ok?"
Creepster: "Hippity hippity hoo! Buckster huckster shoe!"
Chris: "Then why aren't you wearing any pants?
Creepster: "...... I'm not talking anymore without my lawyer."
Anti: Ugh, that's like that weird Dr Seuss show I saw on Cinemax late that one
night.
[clicks the remote again.]
[The screen gets bright and colorful as we are now on Cartoon Network.]
"Welcome back to the Slugbait and Friends Show!"
[Slugbait, Zalgor and their talking pet Musk Ox "Muskie Doo" are creeping along
a scary looking hallway.]
Slugbait: (obviously nervous) "Now don't be scared guys, there is no such thing
as ghosts!
Zalgor: "Uh, isn't that Haunt guy a ghost?"
Muskie Doo: "GHOST!? RHERE!? ROOO NOOO!"
Slugbait: "Shut the (bleeeep) up Muskie. Haunt doesn't count... he's ....
Uhm.... Not really a... well...
Zalgor: You're talking out of your butt Slug.
Muskie Doo: ( screaming, his hair sticking straight up) RHAT DA RELL?!
[Out of the darkness a glowing giant Circus Clown has popped out in front of
them, his eyes like spotlight and his bulbous red nose alight with fire!]
Clown Phantom: (in a loud, distorted voice) Bwa hahahaha! I am the ghost of
Kinky the Clown and I will make you die laughing! Bwa haha..[BOOM!!!]
[The clown is blown in half by Slugbait's sawed off double barrel shotgun that
he yanked from under his trenchcoat...]
Slugbait: Die laughing my pasty white butt.
Muskie Doo: Reah. Ruck it rady.
Slugbait: Now let's see who it really is! Uh, if we can find the head.
Zalgor: Do we have to kill EVERY guy in a glowing rubber costume we come across?
Slugbait: Have to? Nope. Heh.
Muskie Doo: Ruskie ruskie roo!
[Everyone laughs as wacky music plays.]
Anti: (looking a little green) OK, I think that's enough tv. Maybe I'll read a
book or something. I hope Pauly didn't scribble in em all again...
{End}
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Another Every Day Conversation (from Superior Forces)
It was a cold day in Aradi. Spring had not yet sprung and a chilling wind blew
through the air. Yet, that didn't deter two managers from sitting at the porch,
looking at the Sunset.
"Sure is nice of you to invite me to Aradi, Manager." Said the Muffin Man.
"No problem," responded Manager.
"Say...have you ever noticed......"
"What?" asked Manager
"Have you ever noticed that all the best Duel II managers all start with the
letter 'M'?" asked the Muffin Man.
"Actually, I have noticed that," Manager admitted, "I've noticed that many
times."
Just then Mannequin walked by. "Hey, I was just overhearing you guys talking
about how all the best managers start with the letter 'M'. That is so true!" he
said.
"It's totally true!" said Master Darque who suddenly appeared out of nowhere.
"Is there any letter that can compare to the letter M?" asked Muffin Man.
"How about the letter G?" asked Master Darque
"Hmm...Guardian, Ganolus Oakleaf, General Ironside..." Manager started to rattle
off a bunch of names.
"Those are pretty good managers, but not as magnificent as the letter M." said
Mannequin.
"Hmm...the letter 'S' is pretty good" said the Muffin Man.
"That's true," Manager admitted, "They do have Seraphim, but managers like
Sentinel, Soultaker, Samwise, Swinetiger, Street Legal, Slugbait, Snotman and Snuffy
drag that letter down a bit."
"What about the letter 'P'?" asked Mannequin, "They have managers like Pip and
Pauly and Pandora."
"Do Pip and Pauly really compared to people like Mino or Malaquar or Mr. T?"
asked Manager.
"Hmm...I guess 'M' is the best letter!" said the Muffin Man.
Just then Nuln walked by, "Man, I was just thinkingeth, if only I had gone with
Muln as my managerial name instead of Nuln, I would be much more successfulleth. Now
I am an 'N' manager instead of an 'M' manager."
"It's not too late to escape the letter 'N'," said Manager, "I hear Hombre
changed his name from Nuschler because 'N' managers just weren't successful."
"If he was really smart, he would have changed it to Mombre, or Munchschler,"
offered Master Darque.
"I'll think about it," said Nuln, as he walked off in disappointment.
"Poor Nuln," said Mannequin, "So close to an M, but stuck with an N."
"Just like Le Pentarque," said Manager, "He's off by one letter too."
"It depends on whether you go by Le Pentarque or by the French Translation of
his name though," pointed out Master Darque.
"Either way, it's still doesn't start with the letter 'M'!" chuckled Muffin Man.
"We're so lucky our manager names start with the letter 'M'." sighed Master
Darque.
"I know," agreed Manager, "If we started with an A or a Z, we might be like Anti
or Zalgor Prigg."
Suddenly, a large raccoon--(Wait a minute, why am I trying to artificially
elongate my spotlight when it doesn't matter anymore? I can write any length of
spotlight that I want! I spit in your eye, TOGS spotlight counter! Spit. In. Your.
Eye.)
"For the rest of this spotlight, I think we should just sit back on the porch
and revel in our eliteness." said the Muffin Man.
And so they did.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
----- ----- ----- Soultaker ----- ----- -----
Soultaker had gone to great lengths to ensure complete secrecy as he and Pandora
met with Death Stud in the super secret Collusion Cove Cave. It was well after
midnight when they had reached the cave entrance. Soultaker had fallen numerous
times trying to navigate the steep rocky incline to the top of old dragon mount.
Between the mumbling over his ripped pant leg and the multitude of bruises to his
shins, Soultaker had to take a constant berating from his wife for not letting her
lead the way. "I know you can see in the dark, you don't have to keep telling me,"
Soultaker barked out in frustration.
"Darn it," Soultaker swore. "I bust my butt all the way up here so no one knows
there is a super secret meeting and that little gnome is strolling up here with a
lantern. I am going to kill him this time," Soultaker ranted. "Go ahead kill him,"
Pandora prodded. "I want to watch," she exhaled in anticipation.
"Oh hey there guys," Death Stud called out as he flashed his lantern up the path
to shine on the enraged Soultaker. "It was so dark I did not see you two up here.
Good thing I heard your voices, I might have walked right in to ya," Stud prattled
on.
"Are you trying to let everyone know we are meeting like this? This was suppose
to be a super secret meeting and you come up here skipping and swinging a lantern,"
Soultaker bellowed as he snatched the lantern away for his itty bitty buddy and put
out the flame.
"Hey that is my lantern. Give it back. How do you expect me to see, it is way
too dark up here," Stud whined.
"That was the idea. We were supposed to meet up here with no one knowing. Heck
half the town will be talking about the strange bobbing light just off the ground.
You know how nosey the FONZ are and if they get wind of this, we will be ousted as
colluders," Soultaker preached to his best friend. "Come on let's go inside out of
sight and get this taken care of," Soultaker turned to go in the cave entrance.
"Hey wait we can't go in till we have done the super secret hand shake and the
secret password," Stud grabbed Soultaker's pant leg, which happened to be the torn
one, causing a long rip down the side. "Whoops, sorry," Stud meekly added.
"It is just the three of us. We don't have to do all the super secret stuff
right now," Soultaker pleaded.
"I am not moving till we do the handshake and password," Stud stomped his foot.
Pandora just shook her head and moved on inside the cave. "Hey she can't do
that without us having done the handshake thing," Stud exclaimed.
"Be my guest you stop here and tell her she can't go inside without a
handshake," Soultaker snidely replied.
"Well I am still not going in till we have done it," Stud held out his right
hand towards Soultaker. Soultaker knew that to argue would be fruitless so he
reached forward and interlocked thumbs and went through a dozen or so wild gyrations
of their fingers and elbows will chanting the password. Stud would speak the words
"non-alliance alliance" while manipulating his fingers and elbow and tapping his left
foot fourteen times. At the same time, Soultaker mouthed the phrase "collusion
rules" and matched his vertically challenged buddies' maneuvers while tapping his
head ten times with his left hand. With that out of the way, Soultaker turned to
enter the cave and tripped. Try as he might Soultaker lost the battle of balance and
ended up sprawled out in front of Death Stud. "See if you hadn't taken my lantern
that would have never happened," Stud snickered as he picked his way inside the cave.
Soultaker eased his way down the tunnel till he was greeted by a warm glow of
light from Stud's lantern that Pandora had taken inside. There was a old beat up
table and a couple worn chairs. Pandora had quietly placed the lantern up on a
natural ledge in the wall. She had also commandeered one of the chairs and was
sitting smugly as she watched the small trickle of blood flowing down the right shin
of her husband's leg. Stud ran over to the other chair and climbed up onto the seat.
Even with Stud sitting on his knees he barely could see over the table. Soultaker
began to pace back and forth as he got down to the business of the super secret
colluders meeting. "It is no different than last contest. Samwise and Mannequin has
brought in ringers again. Last year we were able to get numerous managers to
concentrate on them because of their awesome tourney success. I feel that we will
have a hard time getting the same support this contest," Soultaker explained.
"I don't see what you are so worked up about. Mannequin will end up killing
three or four contestants and will be locked into bloodfueds, and we can always count
on Samwise to get his challenges through which means sure losses for him," Death Stud
snickered.
"I wouldn't count on Samwise losing all of his challenges this time. I heard
that each member of his stable has to check with Mannequin before posting any
challenges. I heard that Mannequin has been giving Samwise personal instructions on
how to train his warriors. If that is the case we might have a bit of a problem,"
Soultaker lamented.
"Look at it this way we don't have to worry about Manager anymore," Stud
exclaimed excitedly.
"That is true, but then again he spent so much time rallying everyone into an
anti-FONZ frenzy that he was never really able to spend the time to win. Big problem
this time is that Manager's ex-stooge has found a good manager to keep him under
control. We are going to have to get some of the FONZites to throw a few challenges
their way. Not too many or the crowd will start screaming collusion again,"
Soultaker explained.
"I tell you who worries me and that is Hombre. He went outside the FONZ and
found himself a real manager. I was sure that when Ganlous decided not to
participate Hombre would end up with Anti and then we could have relaxed," Death Stud
pointed out. "I might also mention that you need to keep Pandora under control,"
Stud puffed up and pointed across the table.
Pandora did not get upset or lash out. She just leveled her eyes on Death Stud
and flashed an evil smile at the puffed up munchkin. Soultaker was sure that Stud
had prodded her just one time too many. He had seen that smile numerous times and
almost always they were lots of blood involved. "What are you talking about,"
Soultaker questioned Stud.
"It is strange that Pandora had a little visit with your warrior Equipollent
just before he went out onto the sands and the next thing you know his opponent is
face down in the sand making blood pies," Stud rattle on accusingly.
Soultaker turned to his wife "Is what he says true"?
"I did talk to Equip but really just to wish him luck," Pandora replied
flippantly.
"Every time she starts getting interested in the arena, people start dying. Why
do you think the Consortium disbanded her stable. Almost every one of her warriors
had gone on to be head cases. She became too much of a liability and it is the same
each time she starts hanging around your warriors. Do you really want to be at the
mercy of other managers' bloodfueds? I have been around you two long enough to see
what is coming. She needs her annual blood letting, and so she starts hanging around
the arena again. Why don't you let her hang out down at the slaughter house till she
has had her fill of blood letting," Stud ranted while trying to stare down Pandora.
Soultaker saw the changing of the color of her eyes and tried to move over to
convince Stud to shut up but he was not near fast enough.
Without saying a word, Pandora had stood up and moved to the lantern. Within
seconds, the cave was enclosed in darkness. The silence was broken by a
bloodcurdling scream.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ "Just Say What You Mean!" ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Dear Readers: In order escape the bonds of censorship I kindly ask you to follow
this key when reading the story. Enjoy!
huevos = (insert Spanish word for "eggs")
"It's happened AGAIN, Samwise. The same way it happens every TOGS," said
Mannequin. He was miffed. No, he was fuming. Pissed, actually. They had just been
seated for breakfast at one of Aradi's better restaurants, The Paper Lion. He was
waving the morning edition of the Aradi Free Press in the air as he spoke.
"Smack!"
He slapped the paper on the tabletop, causing the silverware and glasses on the
table to jump and drawing startled stares from those seated nearest him. He spread
the paper out and opened the Community Events section. He scanned the page and
pointed to an article he had written regarding 'The Great Aradi Egg Hunt'.
"There; and there as well. Twice. The editor censored me twice in one story. I
can understand the first change. I DID use an interjection that expresses anger,
impatience or dismay that some may find offensive. I might have used another word in
it's place, but I saw no harm in the word; after all, it IS a proper name for a
place," he said.
He poured some cream in his coffee, stirred and sipped it.
"I can live with the first editing decision. It's this next one that I have a
problem with. Listen to this, "Leggo!" Soultaker whined as he dropped to his knees,"
Mannequin read.
"What's wrong with that?" asked Samwise.
"What's wrong with that? What do you mean, "What's wrong with that?" You were
there. Think. What did he really say when Rillion stuck his hands down his pants?"
asked Mannequin.
"I think he screamed something like, "Leggo my (insert Spanish word for
"eggs")!" said Samwise.
"Exactly! Thank you very much," said Mannequin. "I ask you, what's wrong with
(insert Spanish word for "eggs")?"
Samwise thought for a moment before answering, "Nothing, really," he said.
"It's a euphemism. I used (insert Spanish word for "eggs") instead of (round
things you bounce up-and-down) because I KNOW (round things you bounce up-and-down)
will automatically be censored. Besides, (insert Spanish word for "eggs") sounds
better and tied my egg hunting story together perfectly," said Mannequin.
"I can't disagree with your thinking, but you know, the Editor seems to have put
the screws to people submitting stories for this edition of TOGS. Maybe the paper got
more 'Letters to the Editor' than we thought during the last TOGS," said Samwise.
"You might be right, Sam. I don't know. What I do know is that she isn't being
consistent. Look at this," he pointed to an article written by Nuln, "...but none of
the eunuchs had the STONES, naturally, to inform their bloodthirsty master of the
fact."
"I hate to break it to you, ol' buddy, but you have that effect on most peo...,"
Samwise began.
"That's not what I mean! Read the sentence again. You see, Nuln used a euphemism
for (round things you bounce up-and-down) and it passed muster. Why? Why is "stones"
acceptable while (insert Spanish word for "eggs") is not?" he asked.
"Maybe she doesn't know how to read Spanish," said Samwise.
As they waited for the waitress their talk turned to the latest events in the
arena concerning TOGS. They discussed possible challenges and avoids while they
looked over their menus. Samwise had eaten all the jelly and was starting to eye the
ketchup bottles when the waitress finally came to take their orders.
"What can I get for you boys?" she said.
Samwise ordered first. "I'd like the 'Country Special' sampler, a side order of
pancakes, with hashbrowns, toast and a cinnamon roll," he said.
"Anything else?" said the waitress.
"Oh, a side dish of fresh fruit. I'm on a diet, you know?" he said
The waitress rolled her eyes and turned to Mannequin, "And for you?"
"I would like an order of (insert Spanish word for "eggs") Rancheros and a glass
of milk," as he handed her the menu.
"Sir! That kind of language is not allowed here. This is a family restaurant,"
she said. She seemed genuinely offended by his order.
"Excuse me?" he said.
"You can't talk like that in here. There are children present," she said as she
waved her arm toward the seating area.
"What am I supposed to say? I would like an order of (insert Spanish word for
"eggs") Rancheros. You do have that, don't you?" he said.
"We can make whatever you would like but if you insist on using language like
that you are going to be asked to leave the restaurant immediately," said the
waitress.
Mannequin was getting angry all over again. "Look, lady. I'm tired of walking on
(insert Spanish word for "eggs") shecks trying not to offend people like you who have
taken censorship too far. Go tell the cook I want an order of (insert Spanish word
for "eggs") Rancheros right now. If he can't manage that, then tell him to fry the
rooster with the biggest set of (insert Spanish word for "eggs") (round things you
bounce up-and-down) he can find and be quick about it. I'm hungry!"
Mannequin and Samwise watched the bouncers walk back into the restaurant while
dusting themselves off. Samwise wasn't happy with Mannequin for getting them thrown
out of the restaurant.
"McScrods?" he asked.
"I guess," said Mannequin. "I just hope they don't kick us out of there too when
I order a 'Bacon, (insert Spanish word for "eggs"), and Cheese Bisquit."
**** Mannequin ****
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ House of Grain Chronicles ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Chapter 4: Eye of the Paper Tiger
It was now the fourth round of TOGS and due to DK Bread's poor managerial
skills, the House of Grain's stable was crumbling like those crumb thingies you put
on salad whose name escapes me. Changes had to made and made quickly. So in the
middle of the night, the whole Grain team--not to be confused with the Whole Grain
team, which is another bread golem stable--escorted their bread-boned manager to the
toaster. After they fed him some toast, he was fed to the ducks. Challah Point
protested. He too, was fed to the ducks. Granted, he was also responsible for
procuring those less than effective fighting tips from some freak named Bashera.
Although SwineTiger had ordered the hit, he had also ordered a latte at Scrodbucks,
so he was miles away from the scene of the doughmestic violence.
While chilling at Scrodbucks, SwineTiger picked up a copy of the Aradi Post,
which was sandwiched between kiosks for the Aradi Enquirer and the Aradi Free Press.
He generally didn't read the Enquirer after they misquoted him. He had said that if
looks could kill, Pip would be Mannequin, and they had switched "looks" with
"breath." However, they refused to print a correction since they received so many
letters from readers with their own tales about Pip's breath (in fact, they ran a
whole Sunday supplement on it with a photo of Pip blowing a kiss to an ogre that is
shown passing out).
SwineTiger went ahead and read the various headlines of the other papers. The
Post had a feature on The Great Aradi Easter Egg Hunt with a photo of Manager's
baseball hat and its fake ponytail being ripped off his head by a giant raptor.
Meanwhile the Free Press had an expose on something called the NTVVAMCC which
included a photo of a handful of managers in some sort of ritual involving creepy
elephant masks (not to be confused with those creepy Elephant masks that have become
so popular among the kids during Halloween). The picture was a bit blurry, but it
was obvious they were holding more than each other's hands in the circle. SwineTiger
peeled back the parental advisory warning sticker to confirm that the rumored
NTVVAMCC "manhandling" ritual wasn't an urban legend. It wasn't. He hadn't been
this disturbed since witnessing The Greek Guy drinking his own, well, let's just say,
there's a reason why TGG's warriors only use bottled water.
Coincidentally, The Greek Guy had also made the paper's gossip column. It
turned out he had been fabricating stories about his youth and involvement in school
sparring sports. They revealed that he was just a loner who hung out behind the
bleachers until he was suspended for getting caught in the janitor's closet being
intimate with a dead badger while starring at a photo of his departed grandma. There
was also a picture of the janitor holding up a lipsticked animal carcass and a grey
wig in a plastic bag marked "evidence."
Not wanting to ruin what was left of his appetite, SwineTiger skipped to the
Photo of the Week section. There was a picture of Pauly atop a haggard old mule with
a scythe strapped to its tail standing in a pile of horse heads. The caption read,
"Donkey makes an ass out of local demon steed buyer."
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Bunkhouse ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
TOGS VI Turn 4
Pauly raced through Heck, riding low on his demon steed, the muskrat known as
Laverne. As he barely dodged another raking claw from some sort of flying imp-like
creature, he finally decided that this was an all right place to visit, but he
wouldn't want to live here. The sky, if that's what it was, was a roiling mass of
purple and red clouds that almost seemed to be alive. A thick orange haze hung in
the air which was barely breathable. He could feel his strength begin to fade as
soon as they had appeared in this darned plane of existence, as if he was being fed
on by the land itself.
Pauly heard a screech and looked up to see the strange impish creature bearing
down on him, razor sharp claws spread wide, and its oversized mouth full of needle
like teeth set in what must pass for a grin amongst its kind. Pauly braced himself,
trying not to wet his trousers in what was most likely the last few moments of his
life, when Laverne sprang into the air, half twisting and caught the smaller demon in
her mouth. She landed with a heavy thud, causing the heckish landscape to tremble.
She shook her head violently from side to side until the now extremely dead imp broke
into two pieces. Pauly patted her on the head, "That a girl Laverne, you're just a
big sweetie aren't you? Yes you are. Now onward!"
Laverne sprang forth once more chasing the foul horizon. Pauly glanced back and
thought he could just see someone or something following them but it was too far
away. Dismissing the figure, Pauly focused on the barren landscape ahead, searching
for what he so desperately...uh...searched for. It took all his remaining strength
to hold on to Laverne, but he would not abandon his quest.
Squinting, Pauly rejoiced as he finally saw what he had been hoping to find. A
small cottage with a white picket fence, and a well kept lawn, bordered by flowers
inside. Pauly slowed Laverne, being cautious, though he was sure no one would be
home. He held his breath until they came to the mail box. Pauly exhaled as he read
the name on the side, confirming this was indeed the cottage he sought. It read in
flowery letters:
Devil, The
Yes, this was indeed the devils summer cottage. Pauly wearily dismounted and
tied Laverne to the picket fence. He walked down the flag stone pathway to the front
door and entered without fear. It was barely spring, and this was, after all, a
summer cottage. Pauly made his way to the kitchen, but did think to himself along
the way that he had never seen so many doilies in his life. Once in the kithcen, he
began rifling through all the drawers and cupboards, until at last he held in his
hand an ancient parchment. The parchment was actually one square foot piece of human
skin with a list written in blood on it. It was some strange language that no one in
all of Alastari could translate. No one that is, except for Pauly. He had learned
this old language while talking to a strange homeless woman named Eartha under the
Rio Vista bridge. Everyone else in Rio Vista just thought she was crazy, which she
was, but Pauly knew it was because of the dark knowledge she possessed. Pauly
realized that he was a little off after the tutelage he had received, but it was all
about to pay off.
The top line of the parchment read:
Deviled Pancakes
Pauly cried aloud in exhaltation. He would now return to Aradi, open a pancake
house and people would learn after one bite of these heckwrought pancakes what Pauly
already knew. That these pancakes were hecka good. He would be the richest pancake
mogul Alastari had ever seen.
Pauly turned to leave, but gasped in disbelief at the figure standing in the
doorway. It was Manager.
"What the..." began Pauly, "No, wait. It all makes sense now. You're the
devil!"
Manager laughed aloud, "No I'm not, you fool. I did however sell my soul to him
years ago in return for superior managerial skills and, of course, use of this
delightful summer cottage."
"Yeah, a summer cottage," said Pauly, "So what the heck are you doing here now?"
"Well," said Manager, "I'm only allowed here during the off peak seasons, but
the winters are surprisingly mild. Enough small talk, give me that parchment, I
could never read it, but I don't think my master would appreciate you taking it.
Don't try to resist, I know you're soul filled body is weakened here, you are no
match for me now."
Manager advanced upon Pauly, a menacing look in his eyes, when Pauly spoke,
"You're wrong Manager, I'm more than a match for you. I've got a Laverne."
Manager stopped, a look of bewilderment on his face, "What's a Laverne?"
At that instant, Laverne, the Giant Demon Muskrat, burst through the kitchen
wall goring Manager through the chest with one of her horns, pinning him to the oven
hood. As the light began to leave his eyes, he looked over at Pauly, who said,
"That's a Laverne. Sucka."
Laverne backed up and Manager's lifeless body slid off her horn falling limply
to the floor. "Eat up girl, you're gonna need your strength for the return trip.
Don't worry about the calories, he was soul free."
After the GDM had ate her fill, Pauly hopped gingerly on her back, and gave her
the command, "Hi ho muskrat away!" and in a flash of sulphur they were gone.
Next Time: Pauly opens his Pancake Palace, Elephant seeks retribution for his
headless horse, and Nuln shows up with more than just pig heads!
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Friday Night Lights Part 4 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
The Greek Guy
Practices were brutal leading up to the first match. Phido hated to lose and he
made sure we were all well prepared as possible. We spent the first hour of every
practice conditioning. Nothing made Phido madder than when you were winning a fight
only to get tired out at the end and lose. We then spent the next hour working on
drills. We were normally split into groups based on our fighting styles. Offensive
fighters would spend time practicing attacking and then some time on defensive
tactics. The more defensive types would split their time between attacking and
defensive skills. The last hour of practice we spent studying fighting strategy.
While some of the moves and techniques discussed in the books were interesting many
of us felt it was a waste of time to be reading scrolls. At last Friday arrived and
there was to be a rally at the end of the day for all the gladiators. The day moved
by at a crawl. History of Aradish was especially boring as we had to get in groups
and research one of the founders and present our information to the class. One
groups got to learn about Donatello, one of the greatest warriors to ever live, while
we were stuck reading about some old codger who founded the first bank. As the sun
rose higher in the sky anticipation was building for the night's fights. The rally
started after the sun reached its highest position and was declining in the western
sky. All the students gathered around to stadium and took their seats. The
gladiators would be lead out one by one. We were all wearing our armor of choice.
Personally I like to wear scalemail. It's saved my butt a few times when I let an
errant shout sneak through my defenses. Before Phido called us out, our "beloved
mascot", Manager, ran into the stands to get the crowd pumped up for us. Manager ran
out and looked to be trying to do some type of flip. Unfortunately for him he had no
deftness and promptly landed on his head. Of course that got a huge laugh out of the
crowd and the rest of us as well, so I guess in a way he did his job to get everyone
ready. Phido stepped out onto the sands and strolled over to a platform that had
been placed in the middle of the sands. He was going to call all of our names and
tell what fighting style we would be competing in that night. You had to have all 10
styles represented on your team so we all had one we specialized in, but due to
injuries sometimes we had to fight in other disciplines as well. The first style to
be called out was total parry, most people didn't want to fight this style as they
were looked at as pseudo fighters.
"Soultaker," Phido's voice bellowed.
Soultaker strolled proudly to the center of the stadium. There were a
smattering of applause but no one ever gets excited to watch a guy just stand around
and hide for 20+ minutes.
"Tigtoad," Phido shouted.
Tigtoad was fighting using the parry riposte style. While not as popular as
some styles there were many applause as Tigtoad was widely recognized as an expert.
"Snotman," Phido bellowed again.
Luckily for Snotman many of his allergies had cleared up right now so he was a
lot less snotty than normal. Snotman was the Parry Strike for the team. While it
was a hard spot to fill on most school teams, we were lucky to have one the best
around. Of course being the best Parry Strike doesn't mean a lot since that style
sucks. Snotman ran out to the center ignoring Manager's raised hand--he had tried
unsuccessfully to give each gladiator a high five each time they were announced.
To be continued
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
----- ----- ----- [Hammer] ----- ----- -----
TOGS Interlude
It was that Very Special Day that only comes around once a year and Hammer was
enjoying the sights and sounds in and around Aradi Arena as the veteran manager sat
at an outside table of one of Aradi's finer cuisine cafe caterers. Hammer would
often find a relaxing place to eat a meal and in such a relaxed atmosphere the
veteran manager would compose a Team Spotlight for whichever newsletter was due to be
published. Such was the case with the TOGS fourth round newsletter and the dreaded
deadline doom was fast approaching for making sure each manager had a Team Spotlight
printed for those all important TOGS points! Hammer was beginning to continue
writing his current TOGS Special Edition storyline when a most curious looking
individual was seen riding towards the cuisine cafe, seemingly on a mission to meet
with the busy veteran manager to engage Hammer in a conversation to answer some
questions that were puzzling and perplexing the younger veteran manager who screeched
to a halt on his tricycle.
"Well if it isn't Anti all decked out in a splendid wardrobe well suited for
this Very Special Day!" exclaimed Hammer as Anti chained his tricycle to a nearby
lamppost. "What brings you here today? Oh I can see it is a tricycle that has
brought you here today! You have quite some nerve to be parading around town in that
getup!"
Anti was wearing a pair of brightly colored plaid running shorts with a matching
multi-colored tie-dyed T-shirt enhanced by a florescent striped leather vest. His
orange athletic socks were encased by a vintage pair of bright blue Red Ball Jets
because Anti chose to wear his vintage pair of green PF Flyers strictly for those
days when the arena fights were conducted with all their pomp and circumstance!
Adorning Anti's head was a brightly colored paisley bandana wrapped proudly
around his dome to absorb the sweat of his efforts that was topped by a bright orange
beanie [color coordinated with his orange athletic socks!] that had a spinning
propeller on top that was dancing crazily with every movement that the younger
veteran manager made as he traversed the wide expanse of territory in and around the
Aradi Arena.
[In an effort to spare Ed. the agony of editing several paragraphs replete with
an annoying assembly of numerous quotation marks and other odd assorted punctuation
marks, Hammer the WordSmith will merely narrate the conversation of questions posed
by Anti in an effort to understand just what the veteran manager has been writing!]
Anti begged Hammer to reveal the mysteries contained in his past three TOGS
Spotlights so that the younger veteran manager could better appreciate the literary
effort.
Please be so kind as to reveal the mysteries contained in your TOGS Spotlights
the orange beanie clad Anti begged the veteran manager Hammer.
Really would be most grateful to understand your mysterious TOGS scribblings
friend Hammer the younger veteran manager pleaded as his beanie propeller spun wildly
out of control.
I need to know your secrets so that I too can embellish my own award winning
TOGS Spotlights to win even more acclaim in the TOGS newsletters for my own TOGS
literary achievements wailed Anti as he jumped up and down waving his arms about as
if his bladder were about to succumb to the pressure.
Let me know your secrets friend Hammer so I can fully understand how you craft
such intricate storylines that escape the comprehension of most of the TOGS readers
so that I can incorporate them as my own in honor of your superior scribbling howled
Anti as his frustration continued to amuse Hammer.
Fellow managers all across Alastari want to know how to comprehend what you
write friend Hammer, because they know there are hidden levels of meaning that are
scribed by such a literary genius such as yourself pandered Anti as he groveled at
the table in front of Hammer.
Only you can decipher the strange meanings hidden in the words you scribe and it
is unfair to the TOGS reading public to try to understand what you write and the way
you write and how you write with only their own feeble abilities to try to crack the
code you are using in your TOGS Spotlight descriptions ranted Anti as Hammer grinned
from ear to ear.
Once I understand what you have written I will be able to enjoy plagiarizing
your usage of hidden meanings and stream of consciousness thoughts flowing endlessly
from paragraph to paragraph and then Anti will be heralded as the True Essence of
TOGs Spotlight Superiority Scribbling gushed the younger veteran manager as he
spilled the beans as to his true intent in picking the literary brains of the veteran
manager known throughout Alastari as Hammer.
Let me in on your secrets so that I can be the Supreme Scribe of TOGS Spotlights
and the Undisputed Underminer of My Closest TOGS Competitors when it comes to Writing
TOGS Newsletter Nastiness bellowed Anti as he became overcome with emotion and began
openly weeping as he knelt before the amused veteran manager known throughout
Alastari as Hammer.
So please be so kind as to unlock the mysteries of what you have written in your
TOGS Spotlights so I can better understand the Mad Genius that drives the literary
flair of Hammer to scribe such compelling and confusing storylines not only in TOGS
Spotlights but Every Spotlight I have ever tried to comprehend from the pen of Hammer
the WordSmith in the various arena newsletters that I have tried to read over the
past few years sobbed Anti as he collapsed on the table top.
SPECIAL NOTE to those of you who are still wading through this TOGS Spotlight by
Hammer the WordSmith. As Hammer prepares to share his literary genius with the
obviously jealous Anti who at least had the marbles to ask Hammer just what in the
heck are you writing about anyway in your TOGS Spotlights(?) you may want to examine
the previous 10 paragraphs, selecting the first letter of the first word in each of
the previous 10 paragraphs to read the message sent from Hammer the WordSmith to all
the TOGS readers everywhere!
"There, there now Anti, please don't cry," admonished Hammer as he patted the
convulsing younger veteran manager on the back. "What you need to understand is that
when Hammer the WordSmith liberally employs the use of Capital Letters it is for the
readers to Read the Story Out Loud and Emphasize the Capitalized Words and Letters to
Bring Forth the True Essence of what has been written!"
"Parody and Satire are the main ingredients of any successful TOGS literary
endeavor. Parody is a satirical or humorous imitation of a literary or musical work
or style. Satire is the freely inspired use of burlesque, diatribe, invective,
fling, irony, lampoon, pasquinade, philippic, ridicule, sarcasm, skit or squib with a
generous helping of abusive, biting, bitter, censorious, cutting, invective,
ironical, keen, mordacious, poignant, reproachful, sarcastic, severe, sharp or
taunting elements to enhance the ingredients of a truly genius inspired TOGS or any
other newsletter Spotlight Classic!"
Anti just blinked at Hammer with a blank stare as if he had been verbally
assaulted by a Webster's New English Dictionary And Thesaurus!
"Oh My!" gasped Hammer. "What a poor host I have been! Even though you have
interrupted my attempt at writing my fourth TOGS Special for the TOGS contest
newsletter!"
Anti just stared blankly at the veteran manager as Hammer summoned a waiter to
come to the cafe table.
"My Good Man!" Hammer greeted the long-sleeved pink shirt wearing waiter with a
mischievous grin and twinkle in his eye. "Would you be so kind as to serve my
impulsive friend here with that Special Day Scrod Shake that I spoke to you about
earlier?"
The waiter nodded and made a beeline for the back room, emerging a few minutes
later with the Special Day Scrod Shake and balancing a small tray bearing an all too
familiar looking chilled mug filled with the Special Scrod of the Day Drink brimming
full with tasty morsels of that delightful, delectable dish made famous by the
Tournament of the Golden Scrod contest hosted in Aradi Arena.
Anti smiled in anticipation of the cool drink as the waiter deftly set the tray
on the table directly in front of the younger veteran manager.
Then the long-sleeved pink shirt wearing waiter extended his right arm to greet
Anti with an unexpected hospitable greeting.
Anti extended his own right arm and opened his hand to receive what he expected
to be a firm hand shake, but the younger veteran manager was caught completely by
surprise when his fingers enclosed NOT the hand of the waiter, but rather a Limp and
Slimy Giant Scrod that Hammer had instructed the waiter to employ as the Special Day
Scrod Shake upon any unsuspecting victim who had the misfortune of interrupting
Hammer while the veteran manager was trying to write his Special TOGS Spotlight for
the TOGS contest fourth round newsletter!
Hammer howled mercilessly with laughter as Anti recoiled from the Giant Scrod in
his hand, but the younger veteran manager took it all in the spirit of TOGS and
waited patiently for Hammer to quickly scribe his Special TOGS Spotlight so that
Hammer could explain to Anti just what in the heck he had been writing in the 3
previous TOGS newsletters! [Obviously this is to be continued, but I do not think
you are THAT Dense!]
Now as for the message alluded to by the Special Note: APRIL FOOLS
An Alternate Reality Stimulation
TOGS Special Edition Number Four
A Motor City MadMen Manuscript
by Hammer the WordSmith
[Hammer the WordSmith only had a few minutes left to write his TOGS Special
Edition for this cycle due to the untimely interruption from Anti, but considering
the circumstances, Hammer was sure his TOGS Spotlight would be approved by Nuln for
those precious few 5 points!]
"Master Dank bets his Rabble Ranch team will beat our Dread Wings team?" fumed
Street Lethal as Hammered stood transfixed at the seemingly endless diatribe that his
new TOSG partner was spewing forth towards anyone within earshot.
"You can count on me to partner with you for the TOSG contest," Street Lethal
sighed as the last vestige of his rage was vented inside the Hockey Clown Cafe.
"I figured I could count on Street Lethal to meet the challenge," Hammered
replied as a triumphant smile exploded across his face in response to the good news
from his newly acquired TOSG partner.
As Street Lethal settled down and ordered another Bitter Root Beer Brew to
quench his thirst, he asked Hammered if the veteran manager had ever heard the story
as to how Death Spud and SoulFaker received their managerial aliases?
[To make a long story short and to make the fast approaching TOGS Spotlight
deadline on time, the explanation is as follows:]
Death Spud and SoulFaker had somehow found their way to Fort Adroit in a Time
LongAgo and Far Away. The aforementioned Death Spud was so fond of eating enormous
amounts of French Fries at one sitting that he received the moniker Death Spud in
honor of all the live potatoes that would be called upon to sacrifice their lives to
be dug up from the beautiful gardens throughout the land, sliced and fried to satisfy
the little guy's enormous appetite!
As for SoulFaker, his moniker was acquired when he tried his hand at singing the
local favorite tunes in the City of Soul and ended up butchering all those favorite
songs [with his raspy voice!] that were so revered by those who enjoyed listening to
Soul Music in the City of Soul known as Fort Adroit and in the outlying areas! He
was not a SoulSinger, but rather a SoulFaker and the name stuck as his managerial
alias in the All Starry Eyed Realm of Sand Figher Managers!
"Now those two are a couple of Real April Fools," chuckled Street Lethal as he
took another swallow of his Bitter Root Beer Brew at his favorite table in the Hockey
Clown Cafe, before sharing his boundless tales of the exploits of Death Spud and
SoulFaker to all who would care to listen!
"May Your Blades Be Sharp and Your Wits Sharper!"
Hammer
Minister of War
Abattoir Scarlet Knight
Order of Lost Souls
Aradi Antagonist
TOGS Tuffie
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Pip's Subpar Spotlight #4 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Aradi had erupted into violence and chaos. The followers of the evil FONZonites
to the north had begun to riot against the MMFFAC (Mindless Manager Following
Fighters Against Collusion) forces to the South. This of course, left Pip and Darque
sitting collusion free in the middle. In the middle of town actually, on top of a
roof, sitting in lawn chairs, drinking beer. While the city burned and rioted, they
drank beer. And threw rocks, lots of rocks.
"Bet you can't hit Anti," said Pip.
"Oh I know I can. Gimme that rock there, the pointy one with the sheep droppings
on it," answered Darque.
He grabbed the rock, and prepared to throw. He tested for wind direction and
velocity, and hurled the rock. Anti took a pointy rock to the forehead and went down
for the count.
"Nice shot," complimented Pip, "Now who should I get?"
"Get Indimar, he's an easy target."
Pip looked into the rock box, and looked for a good one. After a few moments he
pulled out a nearly round one and got ready to throw it. He let fly and the rock
hurtled towards Indimar. Indimar happened to move at the last instant, and the rock
struck Snotman in the back of the head, Snotman went down like a bag of snot. After
sticking for a brief moment, the rock dropped to the floor, and rolled a bit.
Seraphim stepped on the rock and wilsoned to the floor. Several people tripped over
the downed Seraphim; but not Manager--he was nowhere to be found.
"Excelent collateral damage!" exclaimed Darque. "How long do they usually riot
like this for?"
"Usually constantly from turn 3 to about turn 12, then they start to get more
violent." answered Pip.
Darque threw another rock at a group of manager's trying to overturn a horseless
carriage.
"They get more violent than this?" he asked.
"Oh yeah, no one's even been real offended yet." answered Pip. "And only a
handful of managers have broken down and cried so far. No ones even come close to
threatening to quit yet."
Pip flung a rock and scored a hit on TGG.
"Well he's not as scummy as his warriors, you see how fast he went down?" said
Pip.
"Yeah, not so tough. His partner is a little squirrely though." said Darque, as
he fired off his third missed shot at Rillion. "Stop moving so much."
"You need to aim for the easy targets," Pip said, as he nailed Pauly with
another rock. "See, he doesn't move as much, easier to hit."
"Oh, like this?" Darque asked, as he pelted Soultaker with multiple rocks.
"Yep, always take the easy shot. Anyway, I'm gonna take a nap, plenty of time to
hit these guys later." Pip said, as he hopped into his rooftop mounted hammock with
the beer can holders.
4 down, quite a few to go.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ DUDE, WHERE'S MY HORSE'S HEAD? - Part II ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
By GenX Perfect Hits
The horse and carriage pulls up to Scott Schwartz Legal Offices and stops.
Elephant slowing climbs out of the carriage. He pays the driver and slower walks into
the office. A receptionist is sitting behind a small desk. She motions Elephant to
have a sit. Elephant sits down.
"Mr. Schwartz will see you now."
"Thank you."
"Has anyone ever told you that you look like Mr. Schwartz?"
"No, but many have said that he looks like me."
Elephant enters the office. A man that looks very similar to Elephant is sitting
behind a large oak desk. There are three large framed movie posters on the wall. The
posters are The Toy, A Christmas Story and Kidco. Elephant limps over to the leather
couch and sits down.
"What the heck happened to you?"
"Man, I really don't want to talk about it."
"Is it really that bad?"
"Let's just say it involves alcohol, the Sidwell Hotel and a girl. At least I
think she was."
"Oh been to the Sidwell a few times myself. How many stories up when you
jumped?"
"How did you, Oh, I was only on the 2nd floor."
"I jumped out the 4th floor once. Let's take a look at that leg of yours."
"Actually I think it's my ankle.
Scott gets up from his desk and walks over to Elephant. He pulls off Elephant's
shoes.
"Holy crap! We need to get you to a hospital. I'll get a motion to delay the
case. "
The two leave and head over to Aradi's infirmary. We switch over to the
Scrodbucks shop. Indimar is in his office. As Pauly enters the Scrodbucks, he's stop
by a deliveryman. Pauly signs for a large envelope and heads to Indimar's office.
"Dad! Guess what?"
"Wow."
"No not WoW, but I have some news and a package for you."
"Wow."
"Seriously can you stop playing WoW for a sec and listen."
"Not playing WoW son, I'm watching WoW and wow that is good."
"What is it?"
"Unknown Stuntman video done in a WoW setting on YouTube."
"Unknown Stuntman?
"Yes, you know, I might jump from a tall building, I might roll a brand new
car."
"Um, no."
"Colt Seavers?"
"Sorry no."
"Oh that's right you're too young. Colt Seavers was a Hollywood Stuntman that
moonlighted as a bounty hunter. He was played by Lee Majors. The show also had
Heather Thomas. Man Heather Thomas was sexy!"
"Ok, Dad. Nice walk down memory lane. But can I have your attention for one
minute?"
"Sure, what's up?"
"Well, I saw Elephant limping to Aradi's infirmary with Cyberpunk."
"I don't think so."
"What?"
"Cyberpunk is sitting out there, been out there all day."
"Well if that wasn't Cyberpunk then who was it?"
"I don't know. What's that envelope you're holding?"
"It just came. It's from Scott Schwartz Legal Offices."
"Well open it up."
Pauly opens the envelope and begins reading.
"Well son what does it say."
"It says the trial has been moved back two weeks due to an unfortunate injury to
Elephant."
"Cool, that gives me two more weeks of WoW. Hey son I hate to run off but would
you mind watching the shop for an hour?"
"Sure what's up?"
"Oh I'm meeting Pip at the Sidwell for lunch."
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
----- ----- ----- Death Stud ----- ----- -----
Samwise prowled the halls beneath the Aradi arena, wracked with anxiety as he
anxiously awaited the final recount and tally for the sixth Tournament of the Golden
Scrod from the arena scribes. The final fights had ended nearly an hour ago and the
wait was excruciating. With the various duels going on at the same time and the
scoring of all the manager's correspondence, it was not sure yet who had won.
Together his partner, Mannequin, they had battled for thirteen weeks now with
all the fine teams and managers of the TOGS, especially the hated Death Stud and
Soultaker. Between Sandman's clever challenging and superior challenge strategies,
and the careful manner with which Mannequin kept both his warriors and his opponents
safe from death by using blunted weapons, Team Killer Wedgies had taken the lead
early in the TOGS and held it all the way through to this final turn. (Get your jaw
off the ground, you heard me right. The Killer Wedgies pairing of Samwise and
Mannequin got a lead and held it, not choking and letting it slip away from them in
the later rounds. Samwise didn't let any hangnails keep him from filling out the
strategies, and Mannequin didn't accidentally kill himself with his own blade. I
know this all sounds crazy and as unlikely as Manager developing a conscience or
playing in a contest without trying to manipulate it or dreaming up unnecessary
controversy and conflict to suit his own purposes, but yea verily I say to you that
anything is possible if you believe in yourself and stay focused on the goal. So,
where was I? Oh yes, the Killer Wedgies had taken a lead and held it until the last
round of TOGS and were awaiting the final results from the scribes.)
Samwise paced through the back halls, away from the managers' lounge where most
of the managers and team owners were waiting. The tension was too much for him and
he had to get away from everyone and burn off some energy. Indeed--if the truth be
told--Samwise was wound just a TEENSY bit tighter than the average bear. (And by
teensy, I mean the Teensy Canyon through which the Colorado River flows. Seriously,
you could take a frickin' burro tour through the chasm between the places where the
normal human beings are and the place where Samwise lives in his head. I'll just say
that if you can describe people as being pulled as tight as a rubber band, Samwise
would be the equivalent of the Amazing World's Largest Rubber Band Ball that is on
display in a barn in a cornfield somewhere sixty miles east of Des Moines, built into
a glass case by a man named Buford G. Krebs who wages a neverending campaign to get
onto Ripley's Believe it or Not.) Samwise's pacing was suddenly halted by a cry
echoing through the hallways announcing that they had declared a winner. Samwise ran
so fast back to the managers' lounge that it could almost be described as
teleporting.
The managers were gathered around a small podium where two arena scribes were
standing. One of them slid a card out from the envelope he was carrying and read
from the card, "And the winners of the sixth Tournament of the Golden Scrod
are...Samwise and Mannequin of the team Killer Wedgies!" The world went black for
Samwise for few seconds and the sounds of the room faded away into a small whisper in
his ears. They had won. Won TOGS. The hard work of the last few months flashed
before him briefly and he embraced the warm feeling of victory. He had waited for
this day for years and the feeling was unlike anything he could imagine. More
blissful than a night in the arms of Patty, more meaningful than the birth of his
children, more rewarding than pulling a person from a burning building, this feeling
was unlike anything he had felt before. He slowly became aware of laughter in the
room and realized that everyone in the room was looking at him. Sound and vision
focused again and suddenly the scribe's words sank in. "APRIL FOOLS! Ha ha ha!
Gotcha. Death Stud and Soultaker win again and continue on as reigning TOGS
champions, three years running. Congratulations to Death Stud and Soultaker! Ah,
you guys are so gullible... A tremendous comeback from team THREEPEAT, coming from
behind on the last turn to win and fulfill their chosen team name."
Samwise began to flail wildly, flagellating (no Nuln, that doesn't mean what you
think, look it up) himself with his own arms and wailing at the top of his lungs
while Mannequin tried to run himself through with his own sword. People were
laughing and--
Suddenly, Samwise snapped awake from the nightmare, bolting straight upright in
his bed, still screaming and covered with sweat. He stopped screaming and realized
that it had just been a bad dream, a horrible dream, and he tried to gather himself.
Samwise put his head in his hands and shook slightly as he tried to fight back the
emotions. It had been a horrible dream, but just a dream. The TOGS VI was already
over and he and his partner had actually fallen behind on the fourth turn, after
which they spiraled into the bottom rankings, never to recover again. The shaking
was Samwise crying with bitter joy that the Killer Wedgies had failed early instead
of being crushed by the bitter disappointment of a late collapse.
SPY REPORT
Well, what are you looking at, COLLUSION COVE? Ain't you never seen Snide
Clemens before? Ah, shaddup and listen to my news. If this keeps up, FRUIT OF THE
LOOM, you'll have to shine swords instead of use them. A drop of 8 in the rankings?
Gee, I'm impressed, a 4-1-0 is nice, but don't get cocky, WILD CARDS, the Fates teach
humility, and the Fates are proud. Of course, we're all terribly impressed to see
3D'S NOT L33T win a fight and gain 18 points, terribly. Tsk, tsk, EDIE beat CURT
SHIFF and CURT SHIFF lost 17 points. You're breakin' my heart. TIGER TY challenged
COLLUSION COVE's Duelmaster for a shot at the throne. And if variety is the spice of
life, COLLUSION COVE may be getting bland, as THE RIDDLER stays top dog in the city.
I'm not in a very good mood today, but why am I telling you this? You want to know
what's new, don't you, COLLUSION COVE?
My mother always told me, 'If you don't have anything nice to say, start
talking.' I loved that woman. What's the big D? LUROCIANS T308 was the most avoided
team? Bunch of lily livered... grumble... mumble... curse... And who led the way in
this mass act of cowardice? Let's see, well, whatcha know? It was THE BUNKHOUSE.
Ha ha ha ha! PEACH FUZZ was challenged more times this turn than the Duelmaster.
Now was the DM insulted or feared? Heh, heh. TAXMAN was challenged by one of GENX
PERFECT HITS' warriors this turn, with DAY BY DAY having a lead of 16 points going
into the fight. And golly gee, DAY BY DAY defeated TAXMAN. Aren't we all surprised
and impressed?
Death and Taxes. The less death I see, the more it taxes my patience. Let's
see if anyone's dead or dying. I can't say as I'm proud to find out that MY
PRESENT's DOUBLE D has killed PAPERCUT from PURE EVIL. I can say I wish PURE EVIL
good luck in their bloodfeud. Not that I'll be buying the drinks, but I'll be glad
to see DEAD ALIVE and WILD CARDS at The Victory Tavern tonight celebrating their
bloodfeud victory over THE EX. A big yahoo goes out to I OWN INDIMAR this turn, for
revenging 4000 BLOWS' bloodfeud against DEVIL'S WORKSHOP's warrior MANHATTAN PROJECT.
Heh, heh, heh. Titanium shields and bamboo daggers, guess what brave team is
developing these kinds of weapons?
What does the COLLUSION COVE arena have in common with the inns? It's just as
comfortable to sleep in either place. Ha ha ha ha! Just wait 'till next time I show
up here, I won't be so nice! So nyaaah! Glad to see the back of this place-- Snide
Clemens
DUELMASTER W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
WRATH LIX 7899 14 3 1 151 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
ALLAN JOHNSON 8232 15 5 0 121 TPW FOREVER (619)
VENREK 7477 18 5 0 117 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
-SUNSHINE 7593 11 7 0 110 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
BURNT OFFERINGS 8054 10 5 1 107 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
-VOLMAX 7592 7 6 0 105 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
WHITE WITCH 7542 25 15 0 104 CRAZY CREEPS (207)
ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083 12 10 1 101 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
LOKI IX 7860 12 5 1 101 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
ODALISQUE 8121 8 1 2 98 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
HOFFA 7713 21 30 0 93 BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
911 7936 12 10 0 93 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
TIGER TY 7665 19 16 1 92 WING HOVE (529)
YELLOW JACKET 7627 17 40 1 92 BUGS, SLUGS & THUGS (591)
CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
RETRIBUTION XXIX 8259 11 4 0 91 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
DUNNO 6988 12 20 1 90 HIT ME WITH... (503)
TYVEK 7478 10 10 0 86 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
GAZREK 7858 9 6 0 83 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
STITCHES 8245 6 6 0 83 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
FLICKED BOOGERS 6989 16 16 0 78 HIT ME WITH... (503)
-HENDRICK 5022 13 8 1 77 UNDERDOGS (5)
HOWLER XIII 8302 7 1 2 76 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
3D'S NOT L33T 7833 11 7 3 75 WILD CARDS (148)
PEACH FUZZ 8095 8 5 1 75 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
BUSTED NUTS 7134 12 13 1 71 HIT ME WITH... (503)
AIMLESS 7967 15 9 0 69 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
STORM FIRE 7597 7 3 1 68 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
CHALLENGER ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
-THE BUNISHER 8341 9 1 1 66 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
BOY GEORGE 8378 7 3 0 66 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
B.C. GOLD 7787 9 7 0 65 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
SPIRITWALKER 8431 6 2 0 63 DREAMTIME (633)
WEEZY DANG 7909 10 10 0 61 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
HAWAIIAN KONA 7853 6 6 0 58 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
DAY BY DAY 8338 5 1 0 58 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
MONKEY PAW 7854 6 5 1 56 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
NYSTERIOUS WAYS 8464 6 2 0 56 PASTAFARIANS (630)
PAR 8297 6 4 1 55 WING HOVE (529)
EDWARD KINGSLEY 8330 6 2 1 54 TPW FOREVER (619)
RYEHARD 8339 8 7 1 53 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
RESPECT THE PACKAGE 7832 10 8 0 51 WILD CARDS (148)
SCORN BREAD 8343 9 6 0 47 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
I OWN INDIMAR 8084 7 8 0 47 4000 BLOWS (107)
ACIDULOUS 8384 5 1 0 47 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
VENGANZA 8408 6 5 0 46 PASTAFARIANS (630)
PLUM 8094 5 4 1 45 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
T MARIE 8522 2 2 0 45 MY PRESENT (637)
ZOMBIELUST 8181 7 3 0 44 4000 BLOWS (107)
SOCRATES 8547 4 0 0 44 GRECO-ROMAN (639)
L'APPRENTI 8351 5 1 0 43 LA BOULANGE (626)
WEKA DART 7979 9 8 1 42 WING HOVE (529)
TWIG 8096 6 5 1 42 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
-GREEN DISEASE 7718 5 8 2 41 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
VENGRAZ 8018 5 1 0 41 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
CRUCIFIED 8447 3 1 0 41 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
DOUBLE D 8523 2 2 1 41 MY PRESENT (637)
SHRIVELLED PRUNE 8177 4 5 1 40 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
WARM PIRATE 8407 8 3 0 39 PASTAFARIANS (630)
CHONDROMALACIA 8432 4 6 0 38 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
SETH DRAVEN 8231 5 4 1 37 TPW FOREVER (619)
MAITRE BOULANGER 8350 3 2 0 37 LA BOULANGE (626)
PANAMON 8087 9 7 0 36 WING HOVE (529)
TAXMAN 8397 6 5 0 35 PURE EVIL (629)
SISTER MOON 8489 3 2 0 35 DREAMTIME (633)
WILD YOUTH 8296 3 2 0 34 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
CHALLENGER INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
BEAST XVII 8303 4 7 0 33 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
EDIE 8429 4 5 0 33 DREAMTIME (633)
EVIL AYE 8498 4 0 0 33 THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
EQUIPOLLENT 8492 3 3 1 33 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
MCSCROD 8481 3 2 1 33 4000 BLOWS (107)
CHALLENGER INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
GHNSGFI 8526 2 3 0 33 CLNGE (638)
STAR 8427 6 3 0 31 DREAMTIME (633)
NOODLY APPENDIX 8404 6 5 0 30 PASTAFARIANS (630)
PRIVATE EYE 8425 6 2 0 30 THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
TOWEL BOY 8265 5 4 1 30 TPW FOREVER (619)
KING ROCKER 8246 2 3 0 30 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
-VIKI 8261 2 2 0 30 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
MASTER EXPLODER 8500 2 2 0 28 4000 BLOWS (107)
OVERTIME 8394 6 5 0 27 PURE EVIL (629)
KELLY FABULOUS 8221 5 6 0 27 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
DEAD ALIVE 8503 2 2 0 26 WILD CARDS (148)
-PERFECT SNOTLING 8403 1 1 0 26 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
LE FOURNER 8354 3 4 0 25 LA BOULANGE (626)
GUNPOWDER 8449 3 1 0 24 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
WILD FLOWER 8443 4 5 0 23 DREAMTIME (633)
FEZ 7878 3 5 0 23 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
PLATO 8550 4 0 0 21 GRECO-ROMAN (639)
-NAAN VIOLENT 8433 4 3 0 21 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
TEMPE FACER SCROD 8506 3 2 1 21 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
GALILEO 8548 3 1 0 21 GRECO-ROMAN (639)
IJEOOGI 8528 2 2 0 21 CLNGE (638)
READY, STEADY, GO 8249 2 3 0 21 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
100 PUNKS 8491 4 2 0 20 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
JOHNNY FOURHOOVES 8399 3 2 0 20 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
SHEEPY THOMPSON 8538 2 3 0 20 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
-D 3717 1 1 0 20 THE MIB (304)
SHAMIKA 8513 3 2 0 19 LUROCIANS T308 (636)
THE AFRICAN QUEEN 8473 2 3 0 19 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
MISS PIGGY 8544 3 1 1 18 CRAZY CREEPS (207)
HARD CIDER 7981 3 3 1 18 WILD CARDS (148)
SHA'LONDA 8532 2 2 0 18 LUROCIANS T308 (636)
SENTINEL 8543 4 0 0 17 CRAZY CREEPS (207)
THE EX 8436 3 7 1 17 PURE EVIL (629)
CURT SHIFF 8479 2 2 1 16 FUNKY FOLK (565)
DESEARTES 8560 2 0 0 16 GRECO-ROMAN (639)
BREMEN 8570 1 0 0 16 WING HOVE (529)
-A 3718 0 2 0 16 THE MIB (304)
JOHNNY 8511 3 1 0 15 LUROCIANS T308 (636)
-FRED 8529 2 1 0 15 UNDERDOGS (5)
ZOMBI 2 8571 1 0 0 15 WILD CARDS (148)
SHMEGMA 8502 2 2 0 14 HIT ME WITH... (503)
SCARLET ABATTOIR 8474 2 3 0 13 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
TOGS CHOKER 8561 1 1 0 13 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
MANHATTAN PROJECT 8450 2 2 1 12 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
PINK I 8422 1 3 0 12 THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
LOST BREAD 8546 1 3 0 12 LA BOULANGE (626)
-LUC 8497 1 1 0 12 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
BLACK DEATH 8446 0 4 0 12 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
NIAGARA FALLS 8533 3 2 0 11 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
HARUSPEX 8559 3 0 0 11 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
SUGAR 8534 3 2 0 11 PURE EVIL (629)
DOUBLE CHOCOLAINE 8461 1 4 0 11 LA BOULANGE (626)
GILMMAO 8525 3 1 0 10 CLNGE (638)
JAYSON DAYDE 8545 2 2 1 9 TPW FOREVER (619)
-SEL DUMB 8487 1 0 0 9 FUNKY FOLK (565)
ICE CREAM SOLDIER 8471 0 5 0 9 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
DARIUS 8552 2 2 0 8 LUROCIANS T308 (636)
I EYE 8508 2 2 0 8 THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
SARDASIA 8512 1 3 0 7 LUROCIANS T308 (636)
TAKE ANOTHER SHOT 8558 1 2 0 7 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
HOLOCAUST 8448 1 3 0 6 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
TIFFERS 8520 1 3 0 6 MY PRESENT (637)
FGGMOGO 8527 1 3 0 6 CLNGE (638)
ARISTOTLE 8551 1 3 0 6 GRECO-ROMAN (639)
-MUGWUMP 8555 1 0 0 6 UNDERDOGS (5)
-IRON HYDE 8452 1 2 0 5 MEDICAL BIOHAZARD 4 (585)
LEATHAM 8519 0 4 0 5 MY PRESENT (637)
-JONES 8539 1 1 0 4 UNDERDOGS (5)
IICERGS 8524 0 4 0 4 CLNGE (638)
DGA 8562 0 2 0 2 MY PRESENT (637)
AGMOUR 8568 0 1 0 1 4000 BLOWS (107)
-E 3714 0 1 0 1 THE MIB (304)
SQUEEZE THE LEMONS 8569 0 1 0 1 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.
THE DEAD W L K TEAM NAME SLAIN BY TURN Revenge?
PICK OF DESTINY 8553 1 2 0 4000 BLOWS 107 MANHATTAN PROJEC 8450 438 JUST REVENGED
CLARK KENT 8196 8 4 0 CRAZY CREEPS 207 HENDRICK 5022 435 REVENGED
COCO NUTS 8163 5 1 0 FRUIT OF THE LOO 615 ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083 438
PAUL BEARER 8082 4 4 1 FUNKY FOLK 565 STONE GOLEM 439 NONE
ARCHIMEDES 8549 0 2 0 GRECO-ROMAN 639 HARD CIDER 7981 437
LUCKY CHARMS 8557 1 1 0 HIT ME WITH... 503 TEMPE FACER SCRO 8506 438
TOSSED SALAD 6987 15 13 1 HIT ME WITH... 503 WRATH LIX 7899 436
CHALLAH POINT 8389 4 7 0 HOUSE OF GRAIN 625 FIRST TOGS CHAMP 439 NONE
GERR 8556 0 1 0 MY PRESENT 637 PAPERCUT 8535 437 JUST REVENGED
ME 8521 0 1 0 MY PRESENT 637 JAYSON DAYDE 8545 436
DUELING FOR SCRO 8472 0 2 0 NO HAMMER HAMMER 635 MCSCROD 8481 436
FUSILLI JERRY 8486 2 5 0 PASTAFARIANS 630 SPYMASTER 439 NONE
PAPERCUT 8535 1 4 1 PURE EVIL 629 DOUBLE D 8523 439
POKE IN THE I 8423 1 2 0 THE EYES HAVE IT 632 EQUIPOLLENT 8492 438
SHAUN OF THE DEA 8504 1 1 0 WILD CARDS 148 THE EX 8436 437 JUST REVENGED
MORGAN LEAH 8517 1 2 0 WING HOVE 529 MISS PIGGY 8544 437 REVENGED
PERSONAL ADS
All -- This is the official "I just don't care today" turn. Those of you who
"got stuff through" shouldn't expect it to occur again any time soon. -- Ed.,
sick and tired of being sick
P.S. Though if the whining continues, I may start randomly changing things just
for the fun of it.
P.P.S. The earlier you get your stuff in, the less likely I am to chop and
change it. The later it arrives, the more likely it is I won't have time to
consideration or benefits of the doubt (very doubtful, sometimes).
Congratulations to the winners! And here are the results of the of the Aradi
Spotlight awards.........
Gold Crown Mannequin "Easter Egg Hunt"
Silver Scarf Soultaker "Painted Box Wagon"
Bronze Pasties Darque "Fonzise"
Tin Cup Haunt "Again"
Wear your prize winnings with pride and joy.
Editor, International Award Winning Aradi Free Press
Tidbits from The IAWAFP.....
... Death Stud Spots and personals were done early?
... Where oh where has the little dog gone? (Dwayne The Dog, that is.)
... Samwise did a wonderful (and free) job of advertising for the IAWAFP.
... The Crazy Crapster and Sluggbutt just keep on going and going.
... Mannequin and Samwise on top? Have patience.
Remember, subscribe now to the full publication while the price is high.
Editor, IAWAFP
Tigtoad -- Please be advise that the cheap Commission does not provide for or hand
out the fine awards funded by the International Award Winning Aradi Free Press. They
are, instead, the ones who hand out those ugly rollups. -- Editor, IAWAFP
Soultaker -- You want truth? You can't handle truth. -- Editor IAWAFP
A nice tagine, on the other hand.... -- Ed.
Manager, Manager, where art thou, manager? Art thee running with thy tail dragging?
Art thee certain thee won the first TOGS? -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe
Par -- You bogey! You double-bogey! You snowman! How could you do that the lovely
little me! You must be FONZised! -- Miss Piggy
Dunno -- I knew. You didn't. And thanks. -- The Riddler
Allan Johnson -- Up yours and your namesake's. -- Jack The Ripper
Hoffa -- Are we going steady or something? -- White Witch
Dead Alive -- Ho, hum. -- Sentinel (the real one)
Marchimony madnessoeronious! Togsy wogsy walla doo dah daybanger! -- The Creepster
Mannequin -- Nice spotlight, partner! -- Samwise
Soultaker -- I'm looking forward to my treatment in your spot, you murdering scum. --
Samwise
P.S. Patty misses you. Stop on by any time.
Death Stud -- How could you reveal our dastardly plotting! -- Samwise
TGG -- I was sure Manager would find some way to cheat his way onto the team this
year. Thank goodness the coach didn't fall for it! -- Samwise
Nuln -- You'd be surprised just how true to life your spotlight is with regards to
Mannequin! -- Samwise
Indimar and Pauly -- My sincere condolences. -- Samwise
I get some bronze pasties? Really? I just hope they'll fit. -- Samwise
Tiffers -- I fart in your general direction. -- Niagara Falls
Soultaker -- A stumble? No, just a skip as we mosey along toward the finish line.
How's that saddle you bought for Death Stub's back working out for you? -- Samwise
Death Stub -- How comforting it is to know that as badly as Mannequin and I fell off
last year, we're never going to hold the distinction of greatest choke in TOGS
history. It's much like being Phil Mickelson to Rillion and TGG's Greg Norman! --
Samwise
I ate too many pastries, and used a subtle 10-1 D against my skinny opponent....
That was bright! -- Double Chocolatine
We could open a wine shop one day. -- Le Pentarque
I Own Indimar -- And now I own you. Well, at least I own this hamstring you so
easily parted with before folding like a piece of Wonder Bread in a bear trap. --
Ryehard
Goodbye Fusilli Jerry. Have fun storming the castle. -- Gen. Ironcide
Hawaiian Kona -- Looks like I "layed" one on you. "Lay" get it; get it? HAHAHAHAHA.
-- Nysterious Ways
Spiritwalker -- You are a smart one, I will give you that. -- Venganza
Shmegma -- I hit you first? What is with that? Dude, you got cheesed. -- Warm
Pirate
The AB hunt continues. I will kill one of you; oh yes I will. -- Gen. Ironcide
Flagg -- Well we're holding steady if nothing else. Yay? -- Anti
Rillion -- Well we tied for points last time so I believe you are barely ahead so
far. Of course I will overtake you in the end and lead us to a thrilling fifth place
finish. -- TGG
Nuln -- If you were to look up "Worst TOGS partner ever" in the Encyclopedia
Britanica I'd be right there in the third place behind Seraphim and Managerr. --
Snotman
All -- This is my token personal in case I forget to send any like last week. --
Snotman
Papercut -- Thank you. Hopefully we will be meeting again this round. -- Double D
Shamika -- Such staunch defenses! -- Tiffers
Overtime -- You're a surprising one. You're going to do well in this contest. -- T
Marie
Plato -- Hmmmph. Drat! -- Leatham
Haruspex -- Interesting name. We'll have to try to do this again sometime. -- DGA
All -- What, no one from my stable died this turn? You're all slackers! -- Flagg
King Rocker -- Most warriors would gloat about victory, but I'm happiest about
getting a challenge through!! -- Gunpowder
Fusilli Jerry -- In retrospect, if I had known your style, I probably would not have
made that challenge; however, I was pleased with the outcome--no matter how foolish.
-- Crucified
Niagra Falls -- Interesting strategy and win. Guess a halberd would be in order for
any future meetings. -- Holocaust
Pick of Destiny -- Sorry about that. I'm guessing I can expect 4 turns of mismatches
now. Is Nuln that vindictive? Oh, he is...sorry for asking. -- Manhattan Project
Beast XVII -- The learns are coming in bundles, but sadly the wins are not! I have
this dream of actually getting a challenge through in this gods-forsaken arena--still
three turns and counting where it hasn't worked. -- Black Death
Pip -- I know Sentinel suggest we space out the 10 wins, but I'm not much for that
idea. -- Master Darque
In case anyone gives a crapenstein, The Riddler was:
17-8-6-17-9-10-17 ST
Bonused +1 Init and great damage
Faves QS/HI/LO
Known faves as prize from last TOGS
Actual swings
QS = 4-9-1
WH = 17-97-6
SS = 10-54-6
LO = 2-11-2
Other = 1-46-1
Masters Dec/Att; Adexes Init/Rip/Par
The Crazy Creeps Scribe Journal
Ed. -- We're almost a third of the way through da TOGS, if that helps at all. =) --
Anti
No. -- Ed.
All -- Great job on the spots. Now stop doing them so Flagg and I can gain some
ground. =P -- Anti
Death Stud -- You are a big little meanie. Or something. Meh. -- Anti
Haunted Pasta -- All of our days are numbered. We will see whose number comes up
first. -- Day By Day
Hombre -- Red dot's off us and on Mannequin and Samwise where it should be. --
Elephant
Aradi Free Press -- I have to win a Tin Cup. Have you read that trash I've been
writing? -- Elephant
Wing Hove and The Bunkhouse -- Our condolences. -- Gen X
TigToad -- You called me out for more wins last turn and I got four...hopefully you
did it again because I made challenges last turn and none went through so this turn I
did not send any out again...which produced me 1-4 turns the first two cycles of the
contest. -- Zalgor
Snotman -- When I started the game, many moons ago, I was surrounded by lots of
stiffs with manager names like Bane Dragonkiller, Thor Lightbringer, Sentinal,
Soultaker so I figured I try something new. Glad to have company. -- Slugbait
Equipollent -- I'm not sure if I can bloodfeud you but I'm sure going to try. --
Slugbait
TGG -- Well if someone had to give my new warrior a loss, I guess you were the best
person to do it. At least we got some points out of my scrub. -- Rillion
Sorry for the short personal ad this turn... I planned to respond to people, but I'm
working silly late every night this week. I'll do better next turn...just be glad I
don't write a spotlight about AIMS testing for gladiators. --TigToad
Challah Point -- Do I detect a slight yeast infection? -- Acidulous
Yellow Jacket -- I sure am glad you didn't show me your stinger. -- Odalisque
DGA -- After further inspection of the entrails, I perceive a good future for you. --
Haruspex
Privite Eye -- You think I might be able to hire you to find my crits? --
Chondromalacia
Slugbait -- I stand ready to accept your challenges. I would like to pay my respects
for the loss of a fine warrior. -- Equipollent
Pink -- Nice challenge. Of course I will return the favor sometime. -- Sha'londa
Tiffers -- That was a great challenge by you. Did you know my style when you made
it? -- Shamika of Lurocians
KARMA -- Shipping my partner off to Iraq while wreaking havoc in his personal life is
a pretty odd thing to do if you're after me. Even so, you can never take away my
first TOGS victory! -- Manager
Death Stud -- Uh, I sent a note to the GC that said "Please kill Pesmerga and bring
back Storm Fire." You know, the way that people have been resurrecting warriors for
decades? I have no idea what you're rambling about with circumventing the DA and
stuff, why would the GC penalize you with for a Dead TV by requiring that you DA if
you want him back? That makes no sense. What a sad attempt to try and distract the
rest of the TOGS field from your own rule breaking and placement in the standings. --
Manager
All -- The edited line in my story last turn should have read, "Leggo my (insert
Spanish word for "eggs")!" Soultaker whined as he dropped to his knees. -- Mannequin
Street Legal -- That down-challenge is going to cost you FIVE deaths. Here, there or
anywhere you run.... -- Mannequin
One personal ad just to be sure. Hopefully more to follow. -- Death Stud
Hammer -- You kilt my dude. As my only bloodfueds can come from above, I might as
well send the highest guy. If you survive, enjoy the learns. -- Pip
Noodly Appendix -- Yikes! I doubt if you'll have to fill an avoid spot with my team
anytime soon... -- Hombre
All -- This is a personal ad letting you all know that I won't have a spot this
turn... -- Hombre
Riddler -- ...ow... -- Weezy Dang
Wrath Licks -- Hmm, I fear you may have learned too much about me in our fight. --
Weezy Dang
Editor, AFP -- Say what you want about me, but please leave Laverne alone. She's
just an innocent little Giant Demon Muskrat. -- Pauly
Nuln -- Dude, I didn't even realize I had flaked on the DM column until you pointed
it out. It's probably a good thing though, cause I don't think I could get my foot
much farther in my mouth. -- Pauly
You never know until you try. -- Ed.
Death Stud -- Yes, yes, my plan didn't go exactly as I had hoped, but just give it
time. - -Pauly
P.S. I have no idea what I mean by that.
Mannequin -- Sorry bro but how does it feel to be on the wrong side of death in a
ToGS? The killer becomes the killee! -- Street Legal
P.S. Considering I am currently 3-1-1 against you so far I expect to be 0-5-2
against you in the next 5!
Manhattan Project -- Please clear your schedule for the next 4 turns. -- 4000 Blows
Scribe
Notification to Nuln and TOGS Tuffies -- Here is my obligatory TOGS Personal Ad to
Prevent Subtraction of Valuable TOGS Points! -- Hammer/Minister of War/etc.
Master Darque -- Psst, just an FYI on that 10-0-10 you're planning for the multiplier
rounds. The maximum points you could score on that would be 200 points and, with the
way you're going right now, that's probably only going to be enough to pull you up
into fifth place. You might want to knockdown a couple of those 10-0-10's early to
keep yourselves in the running. -- just looking out for you, Death Stud
Crazy Creeps Scribe -- That little warrior of yours, The Sentinel, is more than a
tiny bit annoying and my tolerance for him is starting to get short. I would
appreciate if you can keep him on a short leash. -- Death Stud
Taxman -- I can say truly that I fear your wrath at this time in the year. -- Death
Stud
TigToad -- Don't think any of us was thrown off when you tried to subtly slip in that
comment last turn about not living with your mother. Right. And I don't have to
jump to reach a doorknob. -- Death Stud
911 -- Oh, it's like that, is it? -- Howler, wondering why his avoids don't seem to
be working...
Weezy Dang -- You really WERE weezy. Dang. -- Loki
LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS
PAUL BEARER was dealt death by STONE GOLEM in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
CHALLAH POINT was dispatched by FIRST TOGS CHAMPION in a 1 minute Dark Arena battle.
FUSILLI JERRY was murdered by SPYMASTER in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
FLICKED BOOGERS was vanquished by WRATH LIX in a 1 minute Bloodfeud Title brawl.
DOUBLE D savagely slew PAPERCUT in a 1 minute Bloodfeud competition.
I OWN INDIMAR devastated MANHATTAN PROJECT in a 1 minute mismatched Bloodfeud match.
DEAD ALIVE handily defeated THE EX in a 1 minute uneven Bloodfeud fight.
I EYE was vanquished by EQUIPOLLENT in a action packed 1 minute uneven Bloodfeud duel.
STITCHES vanquished WEEZY DANG in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
DAY BY DAY overpowered TAXMAN in a 2 minute gory uneven Challenge match.
TIGER TY was overpowered by THE RIDDLER in a 2 minute one-sided Challenge match.
ZIG-ZAG MAN was unbelievably bested by VENREK in a 3 minute Challenge contest.
ODALISQUE was beaten by ALLAN JOHNSON in a 1 minute master's Challenge conflict.
RETRIBUTION XXIX defeated GAZREK in a 4 minute veteran's Challenge duel.
PEACH FUZZ handily defeated RYEHARD in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge bout.
NYSTERIOUS WAYS was bested by AIMLESS in a exciting 1 minute Challenge fight.
SETH DRAVEN was subdued by SCORN BREAD in a exciting 1 minute Challenge bout.
T MARIE was overpowered by B.C. GOLD in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge fight.
PAR devastated TWIG in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge contest.
MONKEY PAW overpowered WILD YOUTH in a popular 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
ZOMBIELUST was handily defeated by BOY GEORGE in a 1 minute uneven Challenge duel.
CHONDROMALACIA demolished KELLY FABULOUS in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
OVERTIME was overpowered by CRUCIFIED in a 1 minute gory uneven Challenge fight.
JOHNNY FOURHOOVES was overpowered by L'APPRENTI in a 1 minute uneven Challenge match.
NOODLY APPENDIX was beaten by VENGRAZ in a action packed 1 minute Challenge duel.
WARM PIRATE beat BEAST XVII in a 3 minute Challenge fray.
VENGANZA overpowered SHRIVELLED PRUNE in a 1 minute uneven Challenge competition.
SISTER MOON beat LE FOURNER in a popular 1 minute Challenge fight.
MCSCROD vanquished SHMEGMA in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fray.
MASTER EXPLODER overpowered SCARLET ABATTOIR in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge match.
HARD CIDER was defeated by PRIVATE EYE in a 4 minute Challenge bout.
FEZ beat READY, STEADY, GO in a 1 minute Challenge bout.
TOWEL BOY handily defeated GILMMAO in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge match.
PINK I was viciously subdued by IJEOOGI in a crowd pleasing 3 minute Challenge fight.
DGA was subdued by TAKE ANOTHER SHOT in a 1 minute novice's Challenge struggle.
SUGAR was savagely defeated by THE AFRICAN QUEEN in a 2 minute Challenge match.
SHA'LONDA demolished DOUBLE CHOCOLAINE in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
SHEEPY THOMPSON overpowered BLACK DEATH in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
DARIUS was handily defeated by KING ROCKER in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge match.
LOST BREAD won victory over ICE CREAM SOLDIER in a popular 1 minute Challenge match.
MISS PIGGY subdued TIFFERS in a crowd pleasing 2 minute beginner's Challenge duel.
HOFFA was savagely defeated by BURNT OFFERINGS in a 2 minute expert's conflict.
LOKI IX devastated BUSTED NUTS in a 1 minute mismatched match.
YELLOW JACKET was handily defeated by VIRGINAL GIGOLO in a 1 minute conflict.
WHITE WITCH luckily beat DUNNO in a popular 2 minute gruesome veteran's fight.
911 beat TYVEK in a popular 1 minute expert's bout.
STORM FIRE handily defeated PANAMON in a exciting 1 minute bloody one-sided duel.
3D'S NOT L33T overpowered NOBLE ASSASSIN in a 1 minute gory one-sided battle.
EDWARD KINGSLEY was overpowered by HOWLER XIII in a 1 minute mismatched conflict.
MAITRE BOULANGER was overcome by RESPECT THE PACKAGE in a 2 minute match.
ACIDULOUS was viciously subdued by SPIRITWALKER in a exciting 2 minute bloody battle.
PLUM defeated GUNPOWDER in a exciting 3 minute brutal brawl.
WEKA DART was unbelievably bested by SOCRATES in a 2 minute brawl.
HAWAIIAN KONA overpowered STAR in a crowd pleasing 3 minute bloody mismatched fight.
EVIL AYE beat SHAMIKA in a 3 minute gory match.
100 PUNKS was vanquished by GHNSGFI in a exciting 1 minute mismatched match.
CURT SHIFF was handily defeated by EDIE in a 1 minute mismatched bout.
WILD FLOWER defeated FGGMOGO in a action packed 3 minute master vs. novice bout.
IICERGS was beaten by GALILEO in a popular 2 minute novice's fight.
LEATHAM lost to SENTINEL in a exciting 3 minute novice's duel.
SARDASIA was savagely defeated by PLATO in a popular 5 minute bloody novice's duel.
NIAGARA FALLS was narrowly defeated by DESEARTES in a 6 minute brutal amateur's duel.
JOHNNY luckily beat HOLOCAUST in a 2 minute novice's match.
TEMPE FACER SCROD savagely defeated SQUEEZE THE LEMONS in a 16 minute novice's fight.
JAYSON DAYDE was devastated by BREMEN in a 1 minute mismatched match.
ARISTOTLE was demolished by TOGS CHOKER in a 1 minute uneven match.
HARUSPEX outwaited AGMOUR in a popular 12 minute novice's battle.
ZOMBI 2 vanquished DWAYNE THE DOG in a unpopular 3 minute one-sided melee.
BATTLE REPORT
MOST POPULAR RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS
|FIGHTING STYLE FIGHTS FIGHTING STYLE W - L - K PERCENT|
|STRIKING ATTACK 40 TOTAL PARRY 85 - 56 - 1 60 |
|LUNGING ATTACK 22 WALL OF STEEL 45 - 33 - 4 58 |
|TOTAL PARRY 20 STRIKING ATTACK 152 - 158 - 11 49 |
|AIMED BLOW 12 LUNGING ATTACK 94 - 99 - 5 49 |
|WALL OF STEEL 11 AIMED BLOW 40 - 46 - 3 47 |
|SLASHING ATTACK 9 PARRY-STRIKE 16 - 21 - 0 43 |
|BASHING ATTACK 7 PARRY-RIPOSTE 6 - 11 - 0 35 |
|PARRY-STRIKE 4 PARRY-LUNGE 8 - 15 - 0 35 |
|PARRY-LUNGE 3 SLASHING ATTACK 26 - 52 - 4 33 |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE 2 BASHING ATTACK 32 - 68 - 1 32 |
Turn 439 was great if you Not so great if you used The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles: the fighting styles: top eleven warriors are:
STRIKING ATTACK 25 - 15 LUNGING ATTACK 10 - 12 5 STRIKING ATTACK
AIMED BLOW 6 - 6 SLASHING ATTACK 4 - 5 4 TOTAL PARRY
PARRY-STRIKE 2 - 2 BASHING ATTACK 3 - 4 1 BASHING ATTACK
TOTAL PARRY 10 - 10 PARRY-LUNGE 1 - 2 1 SLASHING ATTACK
WALL OF STEEL 3 - 8
PARRY-RIPOSTE 0 - 2
TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE
FIGHTING STYLE WARRIOR W L K PNTS TEAM NAME
STRIKING ATTACK WRATH LIX 7899 14 3 1 151 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
TOTAL PARRY VENREK 7477 18 5 0 117 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
SLASHING ATTACK ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083 12 10 1 101 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
WALL OF STEEL TIGER TY 7665 19 16 1 92 WING HOVE (529)
AIMED BLOW AIMLESS 7967 15 9 0 69 THE BUNKHOUSE (595)
LUNGING ATTACK NYSTERIOUS WAYS 8464 6 2 0 56 PASTAFARIANS (630)
BASHING ATTACK PLUM 8094 5 4 1 45 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
PARRY-STRIKE TWIG 8096 6 5 1 42 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
PARRY-LUNGE CRUCIFIED 8447 3 1 0 41 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
PARRY-RIPOSTE MAITRE BOULANGER 8350 3 2 0 37 LA BOULANGE (626)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.
The overall popularity leader is ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083. The most popular warrior this
turn was GAZREK 7858. The ten other most popular fighters were ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083,
BURNT OFFERINGS 8054, SPIRITWALKER 8431, HAWAIIAN KONA 7853, PLATO 8550, AGMOUR 8568,
IJEOOGI 8528, THE AFRICAN QUEEN 8473, MISS PIGGY 8544, and DUNNO 6988.
The least popular fighter this week was SQUEEZE THE LEMONS 8569. The other ten least
popular fighters were TEMPE FACER SCROD 8506, HARUSPEX 8559, PRIVATE EYE 8425, ZOMBI
2 8571, ARISTOTLE 8551, JAYSON DAYDE 8545, CURT SHIFF 8479, YELLOW JACKET 7627,
BUSTED NUTS 7134, and ICE CREAM SOLDIER 8471.
The following warriors will travel to AD after next turn:
ALLAN JOHNSON (60-8232) TPW FOREVER (619)
WHITE WITCH (60-7542) CRAZY CREEPS (207)
LOKI IX (60-7860) DEATH STUDS VII (301)
The following warriors have traveled to AD after fighting this turn:
THE RIDDLER (60-7852) CRAZY CREEPS (207)