Date   : 06/13/2008    Duedate: 06/26/2008


DM-60    TURN-444

This Weeks Top Honors


(60-7936) [15-12-0,115]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

DUNNO                          T MARIE
HIT ME WITH... (503)           MY PRESENT (637)
(60-6988) [15-22-1,119]        (60-8522) [5-4-1,84]

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

DUNNO                          I OWN INDIMAR
HIT ME WITH... (503)           4000 BLOWS (107)
(60-6988) [15-22-1,119]        (60-8084) [11-9-0,96]



Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. MY PRESENT (637)            63
2. CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)      53      ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
3. MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)        51      Unchartered Team
4. FUNKY FOLK (565)            40
5. LUROCIANS T308 (636)        39      GRECO-ROMAN (639)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 2*GRECO-ROMAN (639)         28  17  0 62.2   1/ 9 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)   12  3 1
 2/ 1 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)   154 101  8 60.4   2/10 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)  10  5 1
 3/ 3 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)   45  35  8 56.3   3/13 PURE EVIL (629)           9  6 1
 4/ 4 DEATH STUDS VII (301)    535 422 20 55.9   4/11*MY PRESENT (637)          9  6 1
 5/ 5 CRAZY CREEPS (207)       611 497 21 55.1   5/15*GRECO-ROMAN (639)         9  6 0
 6- 6 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)      45  37  2 54.9   6/ 7 CRAZY CREEPS (207)        9  6 0
 7/ 7 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 245 217 14 53.0   7/ 1 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)    9  6 0
 8/ 8 WILD CARDS (148)         804 716 34 52.9   8/27 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      8  7 0
 9/ 9 PASTAFARIANS (630)        41  39  0 51.3   9/ 6 4000 BLOWS (107)          8  7 0
10/10 DREAMTIME (633)           35  34  0 50.7  10/ 3 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)   8  7 0
11/11 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)   28  28  2 50.0  11/19 PASTAFARIANS (630)        8  7 0
12/19 LUROCIANS T308 (636)      24  24  0 50.0  12/20 LUROCIANS T308 (636)      8  7 0
13/13 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)   115 119  3 49.1  13/ 8 CLNGE (638)               8  7 0
14/14 4000 BLOWS (107)         710 783 32 47.6  14/ 2 WILD CARDS (148)          8  7 0
15/20 PURE EVIL (629)           37  42  3 46.8  15/ 5 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430)  7  8 1
16/16 WING HOVE (529)          131 150  6 46.6  16/ 4 DEATH STUDS VII (301)     7  8 0
17/22 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      86  99  4 46.5  17/16 HIT ME WITH... (503)      7  8 0
18/28*MY PRESENT (637)          19  23  3 45.2  18-17 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)      6  4 0

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
19/17 LA BOULANGE (626)         23  28  0 45.1  19/18 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)   6  8 0
20/21 HIT ME WITH... (503)      86 105  3 45.0  20/24 DREAMTIME (633)           6  9 0
21/23 TPW FOREVER (619)         41  51  4 44.6  21/14*DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)    6  9 0
22/15*DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)    20  25  1 44.4  22/22 TPW FOREVER (619)         5 10 0
23/24 THE EYES HAVE IT (632)    22  30  1 42.3  23/12 LA BOULANGE (626)         4  8 0
24/25 CLNGE (638)               19  27  0 41.3  24/23 THE EYES HAVE IT (632)    4 10 1
25/26 FUNKY FOLK (565)          71 102 10 41.0  25/29 FUNKY FOLK (565)          3  3 0
26/27 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591)  83 131  6 38.8  26-26*DRAGON FLIGHT (640)       3  5 0
27-31*DRAGON FLIGHT (640)        3   5  0 37.5  27/21 WING HOVE (529)           2  6 0
28/29 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)   18  31  1 36.7  28/30 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591)  0  3 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                    TEAM SPOTLIGHT

            + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ I'm Huge in Aradi ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                               Devil's Workshop Turn 9

     "What do you mean you have never heard of me?" the pint-sized manager was
turning beet red that such a common man would have the audacity to say he had never
heard of the great and mighty Death Stud!
     "I'm sorry sir.  I'm not saying that you are not the famous person that you
claim to be; I'm just saying that have personally never heard of you."  The stable
boy was holding the reins to Death Stud's chocolate brown shetland pony.
     "This is preposterous!  I cannot believe that you call yourself an Aradian and
have never heard of Death Stud!"  Passers-by were looking over their shoulders and
slightly down towards the ground as the tiny manager pontificated to the lowly stable
     "Sorry again sir.  Perhaps if you refreshed my memory a bit I will know who you
are?  What have you done to become famous?  And so help me, if you even mention a
reality TV series, you can brush and feed your own pony," the stable boy said rather
     "Why I have been in many of the top grossing films that have come out of
Aradiwood," Death Stud began.  "Have you ever seen The Wizard of Scrod?"
     The stable boy did not hesitate, "Oh, of course I have seen the Wizard of Scrod!
It is a classic!  Were you one of the little scrodkins that sent Scrodorothy and
Scroto on their way down the Yellow Scrod Road?"  His interest was certainly piqued
     "No, no!  I was actually the feet of the witch that was under the house.  You
know the one wearing the magical scrod slippers that curled up," Death Stud admitted.
     "Well, unless you were wearing the scrod slippers, I would have no way of
knowing.  What else were you in?"
     "Do you remember the classic adventure Scrod Bandits?" the small manager asked.
     "Why yes I do!  Scrod Connery was in that one as Agememnon wasn't he?  Were you
one of the little scrod bandits in that one?" the stable boy asked.
     "No, no.  I was actually the stunt double for one of them.  Remember when the
huge stone column fell towards the end of the movie.  That was me under there," Death
Stud said proudly.
     "Perhaps, but once again, how would I know that since you were once again under
     "Right, right," the minute manager paused in thought for a moment.  "Have you
ever seen Scrod Wars:  Return of the Scrodi?"
     "Let me guess, you were the little furry Scrodwok that got crushed by the
Imperial AT-ST?"  the stable boy was quickly picking up on some of the choice roles
that employed the impeccable acting skills of this Death Stud.
     "So, you do recognize me!  I knew it!  I just had to refresh your memory a bit.
Now you make sure you take real good care of that horse now that you know who it
belongs to!"  Death Stud turned his back to the stable boy and marched proudly to the
entrance of the Scrodbucks where Soultaker and the rest of the FONZies were waiting 
to jump onto his back.
     The stable boy took the minature pony into the stable and was quickly confronted
by the Stablemaster.  "What was all of that hubub about?" he asked.
     "Nothing much, just another manager in Aradi trying to let me know how important
he is and to take good care of his horse," the stable boy put a little touch of
sarcasm into the word horse as he lifted the reins to the Stablemaster for emphasis.
     The Stablemaster looked at the pony and then to Death Stud.  "Hey, I think I
know that guy.  I've seen him in a few movies I think."
     "The Wizard of Scrod, Scrod Bandits, and Scrod Wars:  Return of the Scrodi," the
stable boy rattled off the movies that Death Stud had mentioned.
     "No, something else and certainly something of a questionable nature," the
Stablemaster paused in thought for a moment.  "Aha, I got it!  Itty Bitty Death
     "Wow, isn't that like midget po..." the stable boy didn't get to finish before
the Stablemaster stopped him.
     "Yes it is and you shouldn't know that!  Be sure to put on gloves before you
brush down that pony and most certainly go to the bath house when you are done."

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     This spotlight will be a little shorter than usual.  A reasonable fellow must
know when he is beaten, and I guess it is enough.  After our beautiful first team
positive turn, that 1-4, one killed and not one challenge going through, not to
mention the leader of the House of Grain also departed, I have to announce the
closing of my bakery!
     Curse on hamburgers pawns.

Le Pentarque

               + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ An Apology ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                         A Crazy Creeps TOGS 9 Presentation

     The Creepster was feelin' bad.  Pretty low.  Some days you get the bear; some
days the bear gets you, and he was done got by the bear.  Or whatever.  Depression?
Well, maybe, but probably more like a bad hair day.  Well, double that.
     So what had put the usually uppity high-energy Creepster in such a low mood?  It
was a lot of things, but foremost on his mind was probably his good friend, Death
Stud.  You see, a lot of negative, nasty, noxious things had been said and written
lately about The Stud.  Realizing that many of those communications were true didn't
really reduce The Creepster's feelings of overwhelming sadness.  Nosiree, Farmer Bob;
it didn't.  What was bothering The Creepster was that someone, including his own
Scribe, had felt that so much bad had to be reported and written.  Why?  Hadn't The
Stud been roasted and toasted enough?  Give a guy a break.
     More importantly, The Creepster didn't want his friend Death Stud feeling bad
about all the things people were finding out about him and then broadcasting all over
the high heavens.  (Well, Aradi certainly didn't have the feel of heaven, but The
Creepster didn't think the Editor would allow him to think or print such four-letter
words as the version for Hades.)  And The Stud was obviously starting to feel bad
about all heavy and bad stuff reported about him.  It was hard, you know?  Because if
The Stud was concentratin' on all his bad moments in life, that would be really,
really heavy, wouldn't it?  The Creepster didn't want that.  He needed the normal old
energetic, happy, pompous Death Stud that we all once knew, before everyone started
telling about Stud's many bad moments.  He wanted the chipper Stud.
     It was important for The Creepster to have his chipper Stud, because he valued
his friendship.  Being with The Stud, watching The Stud act normal, listening to
others talk to the standard Stud, well, it made The Creepster feel good.  Real nice
and cozy like.  Why was that, you wonder?  Well when The Stud, in The Creepster's
presence, talked, or walked, or interacted, or whatever, it made it really clear just
how normal The Creepster was.  Being around The Stud, seeing how everyone reacted
behind The Stud's back, it was so cool because now The Creepster knew he himself
couldn't possibly be the weirdest, stupidest, ugliest, meanest, most cowardly, most
irrelevant and irreverent, densest person in the whole wide world.  There was always
Death Stud to fill that slot.  Why, if The Stud became overwhelmingly depressed from
all of these historical renditions of his past, then, well, The Creepster just didn't
know.  He NEEDED the normal Stud, you see.  And he was worried.  He was.
     So The Creepster decided to place an announcement in all the publishings, and on
all the bulletin boards, and on all the web sites, on behalf of his good friend Death
Stud.  He thought a long while, and even asked his old friend Demoness Pandora Of The
Pretty Legs for her advice.  He wasn't sure what she meant when she said.  "All I can
tell you is think little."  But The Creepster persisted, and soon the ad was sent out
to press.  He knew he had succeeded when the next day he saw Death Stud pounding on
The Crazy Creeps Guild house door, holding a copy of the ad.  "He really must be
excited and happy to see me!" thought The Creepster.  "He is such a neat friend!"

Note:  For anyone interested, that ad is posted in Aradi's "personal ads " this week.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
    -----     -----     -----    [Samwise the Bald ]    -----     -----     -----

     The morning after the successful cloning of Patty arrived clear and cold in the
city of Vithicar.  Samwise woke early and made preparations to leave town immediately
upon collecting his second clone.  The night before had been fantastic.  He'd stayed
up with the first clone, which he intended to call Patty and have stand in for the
original, and talked into the wee hours of the morning.  The skill and accuracy with
which she had been created was a thing of amazement to him.  He couldn't wait to get
back to Aradi and tell the real Patty that things were all set for her to retire and
begin the long life of leisure and travel for which she longed, and certainly
     Moving with a swiftness one would not expect from man of his size and
considerable girth, Samwise ushered Patty and Smiling Goat, his personal assistant
and bodyguard, out of the inn and into their wagon carriage.  He was anxious to meet
the clone he was going to pass off as Patty's twin sister.  Taking the reigns in
hand, he hastily drove the carriage toward the cloner's home.  Thoughts of increased
revenue and the ability to allow Soultaker to monopolize "Patty's" time and still
allow the twin to accept appointments filled his head.  He couldn't believe his good
fortune.  He might actually be able to retire in the near future, as well!
     Arriving at the cloner's home at break-neck speed, Samwise quickly dismounted
the carriage and left instructions for Patty and Smiling Goat to wait for him.  He
didn't expect to be long.  If all went well, they would be on their way back to Aradi
within the hour.
     Entering the home, Samwise paused momentarily to allow for his vision to adjust
to the dim interior.  Making his way inward, he informed the cloner's assistant that
he was here to collect his clone.  He was escorted into the same interior room as
before and took his seat again at the same table.  Nervous, excited, and fidgety,
Samwise drummed his fingers on the table as he waited.
     Soon after he was seated, the cloner entered to room, looking somewhat rattled
and jumpy.  Moving quickly across the room, he sat down with Samwise.
     "Was the sample you gave me yesterday from the same woman?" he asked.
     Somewhat taken aback, Samwise answered, "Yes.  Is there a problem?"
     With a look of consternation and concern, the cloner responded, "There seems to
have been some sort of complication.  The clone looks somewhat like the woman you
left with yesterday, but there are," the cloner paused for a long moment before
continuing, "differences."
     "What kinds of differences?" asked Samwise with a growing sense of concern.
     "It would be difficult to explain.  It would be best if you saw for yourself,"
answered the cloner.
     With that, the cloner rose, moved toward the door through which he entered, and
opened it, saying something in hushed tones.  Within moments, he stood aside and
allowed someone else to enter the room.  Emerging from the shadows of the doorway,
the figure entered the circle of light cast by the lamp on the table.
     Samwise immediately tasted bile and threw up a little in his mouth.  What should
have been a clone of Patty looked like a cruelly created half-Patty, half-Samwise!
She had the physical stature and overall plumpness in all the right places of Patty,
but her eyes, nose, and enormous belly were akin to that of Samwise.  Adding to the
revolting features were the spindly, too-short legs, and hair.  Oh, the hair was too
horrific to mention.  Stringy and in all the wrong places...
     Jumping up from the table, Samwise immediately turned upon the cloner.  "What
manner of cruel joke is this, sir?!?  Do you expect me to pay for such an
abomination?  I want my gold back!"
     "Sir, I assure you, I am just as shocked as you," stated the cloner.  "My
reputation and business depend upon the quality of my work.  I did in no way plan to
create such an unflattering," the cloner paused as he searched for the right word.
Unable to find it, he simply allowed his sentence to remain unfinished.
     "Well, whatever that is, I am not paying for it!" exclaimed Samwise.
     Narrowing his eyes, the cloner thought for a moment.  He seemed to be drawing
upon his memory.  Pursing his lips, narrowing his eyes in a look of steely resolve,
he began again. "Did you in some way contaminate the sample, sir?" he asked.
     "No, I did not.  I reached into my pocket and handed it to you yesterday, just
like I did the day before.  There is no way I was able to somehow..." Samwise's
sentence remained unfinished as he remembered the cut on his hand.  Could that be it?
He had to get out of here without paying, he thought.  There was no way he could take
the freak back with him.
     "Um, well, listen, let's just call this a mistake and I'll be on my way," stated
Samwise as he began to back out of the room.  "You keep the deposit and we'll just
call it even, okay?"
     Moving quickly, the cloner gave some sort of signal and two men he had not seen
before immediately seized Samwise.  Unable to break free of their grip, Samwise stood
facing the cloner, at a loss for what to do or say next.
     The cloner moved forward and seized Samwise's hands, turning the palms up.
Immediately seeing the fresh cut on Samwise's hand, he broke into a grim smile.  "You
did not contaminate the sample, isn't that what you said?" he asked in a very
dangerous tone of voice.  Grabbing Samwise's Nut Sack, he upended it, depositing the
coin purse on the table.  Extracting the exact sum he was owed, the shoved the purse
and Nut Sack at Samwise.  "You will leave now and take that thing with you," he said
as he turned and left the room.

 + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Near the end of the begining of the end ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                     by Snotman

     A dark cloud hung over Snotman, little flashes of lightning lashing out and
striking nearby building (No, really Snotman can do that.  Meteoraloga, the goddess
of weather was a regular over at the Temple of Khorne and after after loosing a bet
involving three goats and a bucket of lard, she'd handed Snotman the ability to make
small, local changes to the weather.  He hadn't really be practicing it but when he
was mad the weather manifested on it's own).  Death Stud cowered in the back of
Snotman's carriage as Snotman cracked the reins and fumed.  People fled out of the
street as Snotman thundered by (literally), his horses charging hard and water
pouring in rivulets off his waterproof slime, "Slow down, you're going to hit
something" Death Stud called from the back.
     Snotman turned and growled over his shoulder, "You can get out and walk if you
don't like the way I *bump* drive"
     Death Stud looked out of the window at the old lady lying in their wake and
settled into sullen silence.
         As they took another corner on three (like Dr Dre) Death Stud piped up
again, "If you turn this carriage over, you'll never find out who was pimping out
your zombie (Next on MTV, Pimp My Zombie)."
     "This carriage has sports tuned suspension and anti-lock brakes, you are
perfectly safe, Studdykins."
     As they clattered through town, Snotman spotted Fatty Patty and Soultaker
strolling hand and hand, looking lovingly into each others eyes.  Snotman whipping
the carriage into a 180 powerslide right into an empty parking space.  Soultaker was
so enraptured by his blubbery honey and he never saw Snotman leap down from the
carriage and draw his mighty two-hander.  Every muscle rippling, Snotman clove
Soultaker's head from his body.  Fatty Patty knelt down and gently lifted Soultaker's
head and looked up at Snotman, "Alas, poor Soultaker! I knew him, Snotman: a fellow
of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath borne me on his back a thousand
times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at it. Here hung
those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? your
gambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment, that were wont to set the table on a
roar? Not one now, to mock your own grinning? quite chap-fallen?"
     The play of lightning around Snotman's head diminished slightly and he got back
into the carriage, "See Studly, safe as houses" Snotman grinned.
     Death Stud clenched his arms more tightly around his pudgy frame his face drawn
and tight.  They proceeded in silence until they saw Elephant and Hombre sitting
outside at Indimar's cafe, sipping cappuccinos.  Snotman pulled into a nearby parking
space and exited the carriage, a spring in his step.  When Elephant and Hombre saw
Snotman approaching they stood and made small talk, "Bkjlkjbthhb bbhyyyttttbbb"
Hombre mumbled through enormously swollen lips.
     Elephant saw Snotman's look of confusion and translated, "Do you want to join us
for cappuccino?  By the way, you get used to the way he talks and soon it's easy to
understand him."
     Snotman grabbed Hombre's huge lower lip and pulled on it until it reached the
ground.  Then he stuffed the micro-miniature Elephant into the lip and rolled it up
until Elephant was nice and smothered and then he pulled it up and over Hombre's head
and then brought the two ends of the lips around the front and tied it off.  As
Hombre and Elephant struggled helpless Snotman enjoyed their cappuccinos and by the
time their struggles had ceased the storm clouds were patchy and the lightning had
stopped all together.  When Snotman got back into the carriage Death Stud was rolling
on the floor with laughter, "That was so funny!  The look on Hombre's face when you
pulled his lips over head head, oh it was priceless"
     As Death Stud wiped tears from his eyes, they continued down the road.  When the
saw the Crazy Creep Death Stud clambered up to the driver's bench with Snotman, "Oh,
let's get him too!"
     Snotman watched the Creepster sitting in a pit of sand, letting it pour between
his fingers like his chances of winning the TOGS, "No, look at him, dispirited and
broken, 'tis crueler to let him live."
     They continued down the road until they spotted Mannequin and Snotman grinned
and pulled up another block before parking the carriage.  Then he rummaged through
the trunk, digging under the shovels, coils of rope, rolls of duct tape and bags of
quicklime until he found a bundle of foot tall spikes with flat bases.  He quickly
set them up on the sidewalk and then he and Death Stud hid in the back of the
carriage and peeked out.  Mannequin slowed as he approached and Snotman could hear
him muttering, "must be careful, must not cause another accident."
     Mannequin looked around carefully and then gently stepped between spike.  As he
planted his foot, it slipped on the generous slime puddle Snotman had squeegeed and
one foot kicked a spike and sent it flying through the air.  He balanced precariously
on one foot for a second and then toppled backwards, the spike impaling through his
head.  Snotman laughed uproariously and slapped Death Stud on the back.
     Death Stud slumped forward, impaled through the chest by the errant spike.
Snotman shrugged and dumped Death Stud's body in the street and got back into the
driver's seat.
     No more managers interrupted his trip to Samwise's Crab Shack.  With a mighty
two-footed kick he slammed the doors wide open and posed there for a second, his body
framed dramatically by the light.  Then Samwise rushed forward to confront Snotman,
"What are you doing?  You can't just kick down my doors like that."
     Snotman growled (the storm clouds swirling again), "Why are my zombies hooking
at your crab-infested establishment?"
     Samwise looked confused, "Your man Rob brought them over.  After he explained
the unique advantages of zombies for certain, um, fetishes my clientele have, I was
intrigued...he said it was like pecan pie."
     Snotman said, "I thought that it was Malus domestica pie?"
     Samwise grinned, "I always sample the wares before buying it's definitely pecan
pie.  And the roll your own is everything it's cracked up to be....of course you know
all about that *nod* *nod* *wink* *wink*"
     Snotman growled, "Rob has a lot of explaining to do!"
     Then he drew his blade and gutted Samwise in one smooth motion.  As Samwise
tried gathering up the intestines spilling from his abdomen, Snotman walked into the
back, looking for his zombie hookers.

Next, the Termination of the beginning of the end and maybe even the start of the
middle of the end.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     No real time to comment this turn as I need to get this into the newsletter, but
I did want to thank all of the non-TOGS teams that have been in Aradi during this
TOGS as they have been very courteous to avoid challenging into the contest.  My
sincere thanks on that.
     Lots of people not bothering to write anymore, which is kind of disappointing.
It really is the heart of TOGS and the most enjoyable part, the thing that people
tend to remember once the contest is done, so I hope people keep at it as best they
can to add to the enjoyment of everyone.  I can't really talk any crap since I've
been behind and negligent on reading spots since the beginning of the TOGS <insert
insufficient real world excuses here>.
     While the Taker of Soul and I have separated out to a decent lead over the pack
of contenders just below, I wouldn't get too worked up if I was anyone.  Since the
beginning of TOGS I've been telling Soultaker that the multiplier rounds were doing
to be difficult for our team and that we'd have to get out to a decent lead going in
if we wanted to win this thing.  So, I'm liking our position, don't get me wrong, but
I fully expect one or two of the teams chasing to make a serious run if we slide at
all.  Shadowgate and Yukon made up basically 100 points through the multiplier rounds
of TOGS and we didn't even backslide much during that TOGS, it was just spectacular
turns on their parts.  The multiplier rounds really keep this thing open to the end
and it's part of what I love about the way TOGS is written up that it is SUCH a damn
endurance contest and that you have to keep fighting it out to the very end.
     Best of luck to everyone (but not really)

-- Death Stud


T443 TOGS totals
                                                  TOTAL Turn 8 Turn 8 Turn 8
TEAM                                              POINTS    Fights  Spots   Ads
--------- -------------------------------------  ----------------- ------ ------
TEAM 7      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >    523        58     10
  Death Stud (Death Studs VII) & Soultaker (Eloquent Knights)
TEAM 1      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >    423        35     10     -5
  Snotman (Wild Cards) & Nuln (4000 Blows)
TEAM 10     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >    410        26     10
  Killer Wedgies
  Mannequin (Fruit of the Loom) & Samwise (Childhood Trauma)
TEAM 8      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >    398        47      5
  Punk in Drublic
  Hombre (Dreamtime) & Elephant (GenX Perfect Hits)
TEAM 5      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >    383        39      5
  Lurocian Demons
  The Greek Guy (Lurocians T308) & Rillion (Demons of Darkness 2)
TEAM 2      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >    352        22     10
  Slugbait (The Eyes Have It) & Creepster (Crazy Creeps)
TEAM 14     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >    311        36      5
  Mixed Up Philosophers
  TigToad (Greco-Roman) & Zalgor Prigg (CLNGE)
TEAM 6      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >    302        35      5
  Motor City Madmen
  Street Legal (My Best Buds 2) & Hammer (No Hammer Hammerz)
TEAM 4      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >    300        55     10
  Chocolate Fudge Monkey Express
  Pip the Troll (Hit Me With...) & Master Darque (Devil's Workshop)
TEAM 13     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >    282        24      0     -5
  Team Monkey FIST
  Flagg (My Present) & Anti (TPW Forever)
TEAM 11     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >    277        46      0     -5
  Haunted Pasta
  General Ironcide (Pastafarians) & Haunt (Pure Evil)
TEAM 9      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >    265        21     10     -5
  The French Bread Connection
  SwineTiger (House of Grain) & LePentarque (La Boulange)
TEAM 3      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >    221         0      0     -10
  The Paulson Army of Champions
  Indimar (Wing Hove) & Pauly (The Bunkhouse)
TEAM 12     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > >     60         0      0     -10
  Team S&M
  Seraphim (Villainous Legion) & Manager (Superior Forces 1601)



WARRIOR:                                      WARRIOR:            WINNER: PNTS:

--  TEAM 1  --  NUTSACKZ
BURNT OFFERINGS     was devastated by         3D'S NOT L33T       TEAM 1   7
RYEHARD             was demolished by         I OWN INDIMAR       TEAM 1   7
FEZ                 was demolished by         MASTER EXPLODER     TEAM 1   7
L'APPRENTI          was vanquished by         ZOMBIELUST          TEAM 1      7
BREMEN              was overpowered by        DEAD ALIVE          TEAM 1      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  35

DOPEY                   overpowered           SQUEEZE THE LEMONS  TEAM 2   4
SENTINEL                outlasted             GILMMAO             TEAM 2      7
JOHNNY              was viciously subdued by  EYE SPY             TEAM 2      7
STINK I             was overpowered by        TONTO               TEAM 2      4
                                                                  -TOTAL:  22

--  TEAM 4  --  Chocolate Fudge Monkey Express
BUSTED NUTS             overpowered           ZIG-ZAG MAN         TEAM 4   10
FLICKED BOOGERS         narrowly defeated     GAZREK              TEAM 4   10
BLACK DEATH             overpowered           PLATO               TEAM 4   7
TOWEL BOY               lost to               CRUCIFIED           TEAM 4   7
SHMEGMA                 won victory over      LOST BREAD          TEAM 4   10
YELLOW JACKET       was vanquished by         DUNNO               TEAM 4      4
SCORN BREAD         was overcome by           GUNPOWDER           TEAM 4      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  55

--  TEAM 5  --  Lurocian Demons
BOY GEORGE              slimly lost to        VENREK              TEAM 5   7
EDWARD KINGSLEY     was put to death by       TYVEK               TEAM 5   7
EDIE                was subdued by            SHAMIKA             TEAM 5   7
MANHATTAN PROJECT   was overpowered by        DARIUS              TEAM 5   7
SARDASIA                overpowered           LEATHAM             TEAM 5   7
VENGRAZ                 subdued               SHA'LONDA           TEAM 5      4
                                                                  -TOTAL:  39

--  TEAM 6  --  Motor City Madmen
I EYE               was savagely defeated by  TEMPE FACER SCROD   TEAM 6   7
MRS. ROBINSON       was overpowered by        TAKE ANOTHER SHOT   TEAM 6   7
WHITE WOLF IX       was savagely defeated by  THE AFRICAN QUEEN   TEAM 6   7
MONKEY PAW              subdued               SISTER MOON         TEAM 6      7
TIFFERS             was savagely defeated by  SCARLET ABATTOIR    TEAM 6      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  35

--  TEAM 7  --  THREE-PEAT
EQUIPOLLENT             vanquished            WEKA DART           TEAM 7   7
RESPECT THE PACKAGE was savagely defeated by  ACIDULOUS           TEAM 7   7
BEAST XVII              overpowered           LE FOURNER          TEAM 7   10
CHONDROMALACIA          overpowered           HARD CIDER          TEAM 7   7
HARUSPEX                defeated              100 PUNKS           TEAM 7   10
ASP VI                  overpowered           AGMOUR              TEAM 7   10
RETRIBUTION XXIX        overcame              TWIG                TEAM 7      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  58

--  TEAM 8  --  Punk in Drublic
SPIRITWALKER            demolished            HOWLER XIII         TEAM 8   10
DAY BY DAY              defeated              WARM PIRATE         TEAM 8   10
READY, STEADY, GO       executed              DOUBLE CHOCOLAINE   TEAM 8   10
KING ROCKER             overpowered           TOGS CHOKER         TEAM 8   10
WILD YOUTH              devastated            MISS PIGGY          TEAM 8      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  47

--  TEAM 9  --  The French Bread Connection
WILD FLOWER         was handily defeated by   MAITRE BOULANGER    TEAM 9   7
SETH DRAVEN         was overcome by           NAAN VIOLENT        TEAM 9   7
ILLUMINATI          was vanquished by         WRECKING CROUTON    TEAM 9      7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  21

--  TEAM 10  --  Killer Wedgies
SHRIVELLED PRUNE        devastated            STAR                TEAM 10  4
911                     overpowered           M. CHARDINEE        TEAM 10     4
STITCHES                demolished            M. CHARDINEE        TEAM 10     4
ODALISQUE           was unbelievably bested byPLUM                TEAM 10     7
HAWAIIAN KONA       was overpowered by        PEACH FUZZ          TEAM 10     7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  26

--  TEAM 11  --  Haunted Pasta
JIMMY PITT          was viciously subdued by  CROP CIRCLE         TEAM 11  7
NOODLY APPENDIX         handily defeated      GALILEO             TEAM 11     7
VENGANZA                savagely defeated     NIAGARA FALLS       TEAM 11     7
NYSTERIOUS WAYS         devastated            IICERGS             TEAM 11     7
MCSCROD             was overpowered by        THE EX              TEAM 11     7
JOKER                   vanquished            BLUE ICE            TEAM 11     7
HEPHAESTUS          was unbelievably bested byPOLITICIAN          TEAM 11     4
                                                                  -TOTAL:  46

--  TEAM 13  --  Team Monkey FIST
JAYSON DAYDE            viciously subdued     SUGAR               TEAM 13  10
B.C. GOLD           was overcome by           DOUBLE D            TEAM 13     7
THE BUNISHER        was murdered by           T MARIE             TEAM 13     7
                                                                  -TOTAL:  24

--  TEAM 14  --  Mixed Up Philosophers
ZOMBI 2             was bested by             GHNSGFI             TEAM 14  7
EVIL AYE            was viciously subdued by  IJEOOGI             TEAM 14  7
MGGIOJI                 demolished            ICE CREAM SOLDIER   TEAM 14  10
SOCRATES                slimly won victory oveAMBITIOUS GUARD     TEAM 14     4
ARISTOTLE               overpowered           CULT MEMBER         TEAM 14     4
DESEARTES               devastated            DWAYNE THE DOG      TEAM 14     4
                                                                  -TOTAL:  36

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
        -----     -----     -----    Death Stud    -----     -----     -----

     Death Stud sat, stunned with disbelief at what he had just seen.  He was at the
arena and had just finished watching Match 4 of the Nipplicious Bombadiers
Association (NBA) Finals and couldn't believe his eyes.  How could his beloved team
in the NBA Finals blow such a huge lead and basically guarantee their eventual
defeat?  It was hard to fathom even if the game did technically end on Friday the
13th (EST of course).  Death Stud was devastated about the loss and wondered to
himself if his life could actually get any worse?
     As if on cue, Soultaker came bouncing over to Death Stud.  He was sporting a
horrid green jersey with the name Sell-Ticks on the front, the number '34' on the
back, and was sporting a stupid leprechaun tattoo (the stick-on variety) on his
forehead.  He was drunk off his butt and singing some Irish pub song in terrible off-
     Death Stud smacked Soultaker across the face hard enough to slap the ugly right
off.  "You'd better be singing a song about the 'luck of the Irish' or I don't want
to hear it."
     Soultaker barely even noticed amidst his revelry.  "Oh god, did you see that?!?
I feel so bad for you <snicker>."
     "Get out of my way, Soultaker, I'm going home to sulk."
     Soultaker moved to block Death Stud's way and said in a mock voice, "None shall
pass," then giggled at himself.  He clearly thought this was funny
     Death Stud said, "I don't have time for this, stand aside."
     "None may pass." <giggle>
     "I command you, as Lord of the O-Ring, to stand aside!"
     <hiccup>  "I move for no man."
     "So be it!"  Stud snatched the swordbelt from the tabletop near him, whipped the
blade from the scabbard, and--in one swooping arc--cleanly lopped off one of
Soultaker's arms, leaving nothing but a spurting nub.  "Now stand aside."
     Soultaker swallowed a little vurp that had collected in the back of his throat
and said, "'Tis but a scratch."
     "A scratch?  Your arm's off!"
     "No it isn't."
     Death Stud pointed at the dismembered member on the ground.  "Well, what's that,
     "I've had worse.  Come on, you pansy!"
     Death Stud chops off Soultaker's other arm.  "Victory is mine, bandwagoner!"
Death Stud then knelt to pray, "We thank Thee RUGS, that in Thy Divine mercy--"
     "Hah!  Come on then."  Soultaker kicked at Death Stud.
     "You are brave, if not stupid, Sir Taker, but the fight is mine."
     "Oh, had enough, have we?"
     "Look you stupid idiot, you've got no arms left."
     "Yes I have."
     Death Stud points to Soultaker's nubs, "Look, no you haven't."
     "Just a flesh wound," and he tries to kick at Death Stud again.
     "Look, stop that.  I just want to get past and go home."
     "Chicken!  Chick-ennn...!"  Soultaker kicks at Death Stud who proceeds to chop
Soultaker's leg off.
     Soultaker looks indignantly at his leg on the ground.  "Right, I'll do you for
     "You'll what?  What're you going to do, bleed on me?"
     "I'm invincible!"
     "You're looney."
     "No I'm not!  Have at you!  Come on, then."
     Death Stud hacks the last leg out from under Soultaker.
     "Um, alright we'll call it a draw."
     As Death Stud begins to leave, the Soultaker head/torso yells at his back, "Oh.
Oh, I see.  Running away are we?  You yellow idiot!  Come back here and take what's
coming to you.  I'll bite your legs off!"
     Death Stud screaming in frustration, runs back, pulling the jersey off of
Soultaker and hacking at the lifeless garment over and over with his sword, then
jumping up and down on top of it, spat and urinated on it, and finally lighting it on
fire, cackling as the flames engulf it.

          + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Worst Partner Ever... ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                    by:  Rillion

     "Rillion!  Open this door, I know you are in there you bum!" screamed The Greek
Guy.  "I am sick and tired of you not putting any effort into TOGS.  Open this door
and let me in immediately," he fumed.  Finally, giving up on waiting for Rillion he
motioned to Darius.  Darius approached the door and pulled out a large axe.  Within
moments the door was now 'open' and unlikely to be in a closed state anytime in the
immediate future.
     After searching several rooms, TGG finally found Rillion sprawled passed out
drunk in the bedroom.  The scene was horrible.  Rillion has ballooned up to the point
that his massive body took up the entire bed.  TGG estimated he must weigh around a
thousand pounds.  Rillion had become as big as Soultaker, but not yet as large as
Samwise.  The floor of the room was covered in empty bottles of rum.  The stench was
overpowering, causing TGG to lose the contents of his stomach somewhere amongst the
empty alcohol bottles.  Darius ran screaming from the room, his tiny warrior brain
unable to cope with the horror of it all.  TGG wiped his chin off with his hand then
slapped Rillion's face.
      "Wake up you piece of (insert foul word here)," said TGG as he continued to
slap Rillion.  Eventually the continued pummeling had the desired effect and Rillion
     "Huh?!?, are you the delivery guy I called to bring me more rum?" asked Rillion.
     "No, Rillion, it is..." tried to explain TGG but was cut off before TGG
     "Then get the (another profanity) out, or at least go get me something to drink.
The stronger the better," bellowed Rillion.  TGG went outside and sent Darius to go
get several pots of coffee.  When he returned TGG entered the filthy lair of the
Drunkasaurus Rillionicus and presented him with the coffee, explaining that it was
something called "Irish Coffee" which meant it had booze in it.  This seemed to
pacify the creature.
     "Now Rillion, you are not pulling your weight, err, umm, I mean you need to put
more effort into TOGS.  You haven't issued challenges in over a month and you have
missed more spotlights lately then you submitted.  My team isn't strong enough to
carry you, err, umm, I mean my guys can't do this alone.  I need you to live up to
your promises.  We still have a shot at this thing.  We aren't that far behind and
the multiplier rounds are going to start soon.  We are well positioned to strike!
But you gotta at least try!"
     Rillion looked up at TGG then looked around the room.  He pointed towards the
desk, "There, look in there.  I think I filled out some strategy sheets for my
golems, even put in some challenges.  You will also find a spotlight, some personal
ads, and even a Duelmaster's Column for Tyvek.  Oh and one more thing, but first come
closer."  TGG approached and leaned in.  Once TGG was close, Rillion grabbed the pot
of hot coffee and threw it in TGG's face screaming "THERE'S NO BOOZE IN THIS YOU SACK

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
         -----     -----     -----    Soultaker    -----     -----     -----
                                A Day in Realityworld

     The coach had no sooner pulled up in front of the Realityworld entrance, when
the whole group of FONZ (and others) exploded out of the opened door.  Like a bunch
of school kids going out for recess the managers pushed and shoved each other to try
and be the first in line to go inside.  As they jockeyed and shoved, Death Stud
quietly weaved his way between their legs and ended up at the front of the line.
They had all made it through the turnstiles and gathered up to see where everyone was
going to go to.  After a couple minutes they had all decided to head for Lee's Secret
Fantasy Playground first.  Of course Nuln and Snotman had to be convinced there would
be plenty of time to still go to Sue's Petting Pen.
     "I want to go ride Sandy," Death Stud yelled out while stomping his foot and
throwing a tantrum.
     "What makes you think you are special?  If we have to wait for the Petting Pen
you can wait to ride Sandy," Nuln snapped at Stud
     "While you all argue can we go someplace where I can sit down and maybe get
something to eat," Samwise pleaded as sweat ran down his face.
     "Hey look over there," Hombre pointed over to the side at a man dressed in
striped pants and plaid shirt.  This guy had bright red suspenders and glossy black
top hat.  His hair was plasted down on his head and he was sporting a greasy
handlebar mustache.  "Isn't that ahhhhh, you know, that guy we use to know?  You
know, that manager, that use to be pretty well known.  I'm sure he was a manager in
Aradi.  Come on help me out here guys his manager name is on the tip of my tongue,"
Hombre pleaded.
     "You know you are right he does look like someone we know," Snotman agreed.  "I
am sure I know him," Snotman's face wrinkled up as if he was in excruciating pain.
Just by looking at him, you knew he was try to think or seriously impacted.
     As the group of managers continued to try and place the strange man, he began to
wave a cane and yell out to the crowd.  "Come one, come all.  Step inside and find
the answers to the greatest secrets of the world.  Have you ever wondered what
happened to the great Guardian?  How about the fall of the infamous Dark Circle?
Maybe something about open handed aim blows?  Be the first to learn the secrets of
winning a TC," the greased carnie cried out.
     "I know that voice," Hombre just wouldn't let it go.
     The hawker pointed his cane over in the direction of the grouped Aradi managers.
"Find out all there is to know about building a winning alliance.  Learn to use the
rules to prove you a stand up guy.  Hurry inside and find the truth about the
collusion in TOGS," the slick haired speaker bellowed to any that would listen
     At the mention of TOGS, all of the managers from Aradi turned their attention to
the hawker.  "See he has to be someone we know.  He has the truth about TOGS," Hombre
     Just because someone stands on a soapbox and yells he has all the answers does
not mean he is correct," Soultaker challenged.
     About that time Hombre let out with a yelp and began dancing around on one leg.
"What the heck," Hombre cried out in pain as he tried to hop on one foot and bring
the other up to kiss it and make it better.
     Death Stud had hauled off and kicked the crap out of Hombre's ankle.  "I am
surrounded by idiots," Death Stud pointed out.
     "Why did you kick me," Hombre asked.
     Death Stud pointed up at the freak on the soap box.  "That is Manager," Stud
     "I already said that.  We know he is a manager but we can't remember his name,"
Hombre tried to smirk through the pain.
     Death Stud hauled off and kicked the other ankle, which promptly brought Hombre
crashing to the ground.  "You have to be kidding me.  Are you all mentally
challenged?  I didn't say a manager I said he is Manager.  Think hard he is the one
that has tried so hard to be competitive in TOGS for so many years only to end up
dragging down good managers in his attempts," Stud just shook his head.
     As if a light had been lit in a dark room, the look of recognition came over all
their faces.  "You know that banner over the exhibition should have gave it away,"
Master Darque pointed up at the huge billowing sign that read "House of Smoke and
     They all started giggling and shook their heads in pity as they moved away from
the washed-up Manager and his new profession.
     The gaggle of managers hadn't traveled far when they came upon a bright yellow
circular tent with a beautiful woman dressed in transparent scarves.  This sexy lady
was dancing in front of the entrance to her tent.  She had small cymbals on the tips
of her fingers and as she undulated for the crowd she sang a song beckoning people to
come to her. "Come a little bit closer," she would sing as she danced provocatively.
"Come see Madame Sue and I will make all your fantasies come true," the heart-
stopping vixen promised the managers as they almost ran over themselves.  Large
puddles of drool were forming at the feet of the wannabe masculine managers from
Aradi.  The Aradi managers were totally mesmerized by the sexual allure of Madame
Sue.  "Who among you will be the first to have Madame Sue fulfill your wildest
fantasy," Sue batted her eyelashes and beckoned them with her womanly charms.
     Nuln being the first to battle off her charm came forward.  Maybe it was because
of his chaos lord blood that he was able to resist her charms.  Then again we may
never know.  "I will go first," the chaos lord boomed.
     Sue sensually moved up to Nuln and took his arm.  As she lead him inside the
tent, the rest were left with the scent of jasmine and their imagination.  She turned
to the others as she lowered the tent flap, "Don't run off, I will be right back for
whoever is next".
     Nuln had a hard time seeing as the room was dimly lit but he did glimpse an area
with huge pillows.  Sue led the hulking chaos lord over to the pillows and eased him
down to the floor on the pillows.  Sue started to rub up and down his arms then
moving to his temples she slowly massaged him as she spoke softly in his ear.  As the
lord slowly began to relax he was told to watch the slowly moving light.  Before long
Sue had Nuln completely under her spell.  "When I clap my hands you will see and
enjoy your wildest wish.  You will feel as if all you see is real and when I snap my
fingers you will return to me having enjoyed your greatest fantasy," Sue whispered in
Nuln's ear.  Sue lightly clapped her hands and watched as Nuln's body began to move
and he started to talk in his sleep.
     Nuln could clearly hear the sound of music.  He was walking through a meadow
with a large hill before him.  "The hills are alive with the sound of music" kept
playing over and over again as he made his way up the hill.  Nuln took the time to
look at his outfit and was taken aback.  In place of his gigantic chaos boots, he had
soft leather hiking boots.  His black chaos armor was gone and he wore pastel shorts
with bibbed suspenders over a bright coral shirt.  Gone was his bloody Greatsword and
in it place was a long hooked staff.  Just as he finished looking at his strange
outfit, the music changed to "I'm a lonely goatherder".  What happen next brought
tears to the massive chaos-lord.  Breaking over the hill came a herd of soft and
fluffy sheep.  As they rushed to him it seemed as if they were all calling out his
name "Nuuuuulllllnnnn".
     Sue snapped her fingers and the terrifying Nuln came awake.  His face was
wearing a huge grin as he slowly got to his feet and staggered out the tent.  "Darn
that was the greatest time I have ever had," Nuln gasped out loud.
     "Me next.  Pick me.  Choose me.  Oh me," Death Stud called out as he jumped
around like some donkey on Mexican jumping beans and crack.  Without wait for a reply
from his friends he ran up and latched onto Sue's shapely leg.
     Sue gently peeled the vertically challenged manager from off her leg and had him
hold her finger as she led him into the darkened tent.  Sue talked soothingly as she
eased him onto the pillows.  In a matter of seconds Stud had become lost in the
cluster of pillows much as a toddler becomes lost in the bins of foam balls at Chucky
Cheese.  Sue found it was much easier to cradle the midget manager in the crook of
her arm then to try and balance him of the huge pillows.  All the while Sue tried to
sweet talk Stud, he continued to tell her how big things can come in small packages.
After what seemed like an eternity to Madame Sue, Death Stud finally succumbed to the
soothing voice and flickering light.  Sue repeated the same instructions to Stud as
she had to Nuln and then clapped her hands.
     Death Stud was surrounded by a smothering blackness.  He tried holding up his
hand in front of his face but was unable to see anything.  All of a sudden there was
this slow building roaring sound and huge circles of light playing across the floor.
Death Stud's tiny heart began to race.  He felt as if the organ was trying to beat
its way out of his chest.  Then this huge booming voice broke out over the deafening
roar.  "Ladies and Gentleman please get to your feet and put your hands together".
Stud could barely move as the thunderous roar from the crowd and the vibrations from
the stomping feet almost made him lose his footing.  "Here he is from the Free Cites
the one, the only, starting center for the Freeblade Lakers, Kareem Death Stud".

      + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Apocalypse Now (TOGS version) ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                  The Eyes Have It

     Scene One (the setup. And yet another clever way of meeting my 33 line quota)
     The room is small, shabby and overrun with beer steins. Hippy psychedelic music,
you know the type that the Creepster likes to listen to, reverberate off the walls as
waves of heat pulsate from the window.  Asleep, Slugbait's pink and green paisley
pajamas are soaked with sweat. Opening his eyes Slugbait goes to the window and in a
daze peers out.
     "TOGS ... Shhhh...eep. I'm only still in TOGS." Looking around his living
quarters Slugbait takes a big gulp of something from a shot glass. He continues
muttering to himself,  "After my first TOGS all I could think about was being back in
TOGS and now all I can think about is being back in the slow arenas (and not writing
these stupid spotlights - arghhhh). I'm stuck in this room for  two weeks now,
waiting for my turn and every moment I get weaker. And every moment FONZ lounge in
their sitting room, eating tea and crumpets and colluding they get weaker."  The
Creepster's longhaired hippy music rises in volume, Slugbait passes out and we move
on from poorly written internal dialog to a more interesting part of our story.

     Scene Two (mission. You can't handle this mission)
     General Ironcider stabbed a red slab of roast beef with his fork and then said
through a mouth full of food, "Have you heard the name .... Patty?"
     "I have," said Slugbait with a shudder.
 "She used to be the best. Work for the good guys but something has changed," General
Ironcider said as gravy dibbled down his chin and onto his overflowing lap.
     "She's gone insane," piped in Gaunt, the Ironcider's sycophant, as he made a
desperate gab for a slice of the main course.
     Ironcider slap his skinny sidekicks hand away for the food and said, "Patty must
be stopped. She's working for FONZ. Every turn those boys have more energy, more
ability to collude, just that extra spark. She's making us look bad."
     Gaunt looked Slugbait in the eye and stated, "We want her terminated. Do you
except this mission."
     The giant orc slowly nodded his head and exited Iron ciders home.
     "Oh and can you grab me a bag of chips on the way back. I'm starving," yelled

     Scene Three (where in more introspective mumbo-jumbo occurs as a way of
moving on the plot.)
     The boat rocked back and forth on the waves and Slugbait picked through the
briefing material that Gaunt and Ironcider had given him. He couldn't believe what he
was reading (everyone else in the boat couldn't believe that he was reading). Patty
had been the best, perfect, the Creepster's original translator and hot (smoken hot).
TOGS had done her in and turned her to the dark side. She stopped going to weight
watchers, the short shorts became snug then tight and finally split. Initially the
only person able to articulately translate the Creepster's ravings she had started to
slip and finally all she could say was, "must write spotlight, must write spotlight,
must write spotlight." How she came to work with the boys at FONZ no one will ever
know but it was the end. The end of any other teams chance of winning TOGS, the end
of the Creepster, the end of me.

+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Pip's Sub-par Spotlight # somethinorother ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Pip sat in the middle of his wrecked up house. 3 weeks of staying inside had
done a number on his crash pad. Standing up and knocking over a pile of beer cans and
pizza boxes, Pip looked at his watch.
     "I better get this place cleaned up, the trollkins will be here soon!" thought
     "Wenches!!!" screamed Pip, "Clean my house!"
     With that arduous task completed, Pip began to get ready. He quickly knocked the
crumbs from his belly and actually put on pants. Then he put on his best wife-beater,
the one with only 7 stains.
     "And now I'm ready to take on the day!" said Pip to himself.
     There was a knock at the door, and Pip answered it.
     "Tell us a story, tell us a story!" screamed a wild bunch of trollkins as they
burst through the now open door.
     "Ok, Ok," said Pip as he sat in his favorite chair, "I'll tell you the story of
Nulnlilocks and the 3 R-Tards. You all know who Nulnlilocks is, right?"
     "Thats what they call Nuln when he wears his wig and the pink chaos tutu(tm)"
answered one of the trollkins.
     "Who's Nuln?" asked another.
     "He's that funny looking guy, you know, the one that smells like old cheese!"
answered another.
     "Oh, now I know who you are talking about" realized the other trollkin.
     "Anyway," started Pip, "One day many years ago, Nulnlilocks was walking throught
the forest and got lost."
     "How did he get lost?" asked one of the trollkins.
     "Well," answered Pip, "The story differs there; some people say he was trying
out his new high heels and wasn't paying attention, others say he was following a
sheep that was wearing high heels. We'll propbably never know, but Nulnlilocks was
hopelessly lost. After a few days of wandering the forest, he came upon a cabin, and
let himself in."
     "Isn't that illegal?" asked one of the trollkins.
     "Only if you get caught." answered Pip, "So Nulnlilocks let himself in, and ate
up 3 bowls of rat and bean stew that were sitting out, and went upstairs and crashed
out hardcore in one of the beds."
     "Like the guy who played Iron Man in the movies?" asked a trollkin.
     "Exactly." answered Pip. "So anyway, eventually Soultaker, Deathstud, and Hombre
got back to their cabin, found their precious rat stew gone, and some sicko sleeping
in their bed."
     "Did they have their way with Nulnlilocks?" asked one trollkin.
     "Did they eat him?" asked another.
     "Did they flay him alive?" asked a third.
     "No." answered Pip. "They called the cops on him, Nulnlilocks did a 5 year
stretch in Aradi state prison, came out hooked on the scrod, and has been bumming
around the island ever since."
     "Oh." said one trollkin, "That actually answers alot."
     "So whats the moral of the story?" asked Pip.
     "Don't get caught!!!" answered the trollkins

To be continued hopefully not.

The End --  How many left?

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
  House of Grain Chronicles:  The Unplanned, But Not Unexpected Collapse of the FBC

     Yes, it is with a heart as heavy as a cement baguette that I bring this news.
The French Bread Connection has collapsed and this is our final turn of TOGS.  What
brought us to this end?  Was it bread Golems who couldn't fight or Golem makers who
couldn't bake or was it just a limited supply of bread-related sticky puns?  A little
of each, but that's how we roll.  Le Pentarque asked me to express his sorrow about
the collapse, but I cannot find the words.  Literally.  Have you read his spotlights?
It's almost as if English is a second language for him.  I know that we will be
missed and am proud that our bread Golem legacy has been immortalized in the Aradi
Free Press, but it has been more of a speed eating contest than a bake-off for our
teams, so we'll let the real contenders duke it out.  Also with the doughy carcasses
of The Bunisher and Double Chocolain baking to perfection in the arena sun, you will
all get fatter!

    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Anti-Entertainment Tonight, Pt 1 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     [The Spot starts with a professional voice over guy doing his game shower
announcer schtick]
     VOG(voice over guy): " Welcome to TOGS TODAY! "
     [Crappy keyboard music then plays while we see a montage of still photos taken
in and around Collusion Cove, with public access style computer effects swirling in
the background...]
     (A photo of Street Legal and Samwise smiling and holding hands over a whipped
cream topped drink at the local Scrodbucks.)
     VOG:" Your  weekly insight into the Tournament of the Golden Scrod! "
     (A photo of Hombre skipping down Main Street in his tighty whitey tennis shorts,
twirling his bright pink attache/man-purse is criss-crossed over and back again with
a photo of Pip the Troll pulling his face out of a puddle of his own vomit in a back
alley sewage drain, two street bums pointing and laughing at him in the background)
     VOG: "And here is your host of TOGS TODAY..."
     (A photo of Flagg, wearing his favorite blue beanie cap, holding up a lollipop
for a giraffe to lick at the zoo intersects with a photo of Soultaker looking at the
camera and giving the thumbs up while spread across a doctor's table, his bare ass
pixilated as his proctologist snaps on a white rubber glove.)
     VOG: "... he is the man with the plan, the clue to the who, the duck to the ala
     [We are now looking at a crude mock up of a entertainment news show studio
set... possibly in someone's basement. Anti hops out from behind a bright blue
curtain, quickly closing it before we can get a good look at the bathroom behind him.
There is a smattering of applause and whooping from behind the camera... probably
because it's the camerman and his girlfriend doing the applauding. But hey a live
audience is a live audience.]
     [Anti is looking almost dapper in his faded-black suit and sparkling red tie,
smiling as wide as he can without looking like an axe murderer, or worse, The
Creepster. He walks up to a spot where an "x" has been marked with duct tape and
smiles even wider, if that's possible...]
     Anti: " Hey there hi there ho there folks, and welcome to Togs today. I am your
host and occasional Togs participant Anti, and with me today is my bestest buddy in
the whole wide world, and the co-winner of the first ever Togs... MANAGER!"
     [The camera cuts over to a skuzzy old recliner, which has an arm poking up from
behind holding a pretty sad looking sock puppet. Scribbled in marker below the
puppet's face is the word "Malanger" ]
     "Manager": HI ANTI! Great to be here!
     Anti: " Ha ha, of course of it is! So what have you been up to lately, Manager?"
     "Manager":  I like to touch my own poop.
     Anti: [stares blankly for a moment] " Huh. Sure why not."
     "Manager": These springs are starting to cut my ar...
     Anti: [cutting him off] "WELL THAT'S GREAT! So what do we have on tap tonight?
     "Manager": Well later on the show we have your indepth interview with the Greek
     Anti:"Oh yeah that went really well... why don't we show a preview clip?"
     <Cut to taped segment>
     [The Greek Guy and Anti are sitting kind of facing each other in one of those
cheesy "interview rooms" that are really just walled off curtains in the back of a
stage area.]
     [Anti is nervously ruffling through a series of note cards while GG stares at a
fly buzzing around the light above them.]
     Anti: "So...... uhm......[shifts uncomfortably in his interview chair] .... My
notes say you are of greek heritage?
     Greek Guy: " ........ yeah. Kinda why they call me 'The Greek Guy.'"
     Anti: "Oh. Yeah that makes sense then."
     Greek Guy: "........."
     [Small pause as Anti looks over his note cards]
     Anti: "Ok here's good question.... How does it feel to be a former member of the
Dark Circle."
     Greek Guy: " Uh..... I was never in the Dark Circle. I'm a member of the
Brotherhood of the Blade."
     Anti: "Really? B.O.B? I thought that was some sort of alternative lifestyle
club. Would explain the greek part..."
     Greek Guy: "......."
     Greek Guy: "...... I'm going to stab you in the face now."
     Anti: "[looks over his notecards] ..... that's not on my interview list...."
     <Cut back to show>
     Anti: " Oooh I can't wait to see how that turns out!
     "Manager": I can't wait to take this stupid sock off, it smells like Ganolus at
the end of a face...
     Anti: "What?"
     "Manager":..... nothing."
     Anti:" OK well it's time for our commercial break, when we come back we'll have
our first guest and will be answering letters from our loyal viewers. Stay tuned!"

<to be continued>

 + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Elephants, Monkeys and Oh My - Part II ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                By GenX Perfect Hits

     When we last saw our three heroes (Hombre, Elephant and Clyde) they had just
defeated Laverne and Pauly. They now have Pauly's secret pancake recipe and are on
their way to meet up with Soultaker to exchange the recipe for Manager's soul.

     "Dude, seriously can we please take Clyde home before going to Soultakers?"
     "No way. Ma will freak out if we just drop Clyde off and bail without visiting."
     "Good point."
     "Just like old times Orville."
     "Alright Elephant, here's the deal. Clyde can stay but no more of this Orville /
Philo stuff. It's been a long day and I'm just not up for anymore Every Which Way But
     "Fair enough. Can we stop by the store first? I need some SuperGlue."
     "I guess that's a yes."
     Elephant goes into a 7-11 and buys some SuperGlue while Hombre and Clyde wait
outside. After the purchase the three make their way to Soultaker's house.
     "This place is a dump."
     "Elephant, can you chill for a few minutes and let us finish the task at hand.
You know, the one where we exchange the recipe for Manager's soul?"
     "Alright, alright"
     Hombre knocks on the door and Soultaker answers.
     "Hombre, Elephant, Monkey?"
     "He's not a monkey, he's an orangutan!"
     "Elephant! Chill, remember? Hey Taker, we have the recipe, you have the soul?"
     "My name is still Soultaker isn't it? Of course I have it. Follow me."
     The three follow Soultaker into a small room. Soultaker removes a briefcase. He
selects "666" and "666" on the combination lock and slowly opens the briefcase. A
glowing light flows out of the briefcase. All four (yes, even Clyde) look in
amazement at the beauty coming out of the case. They all stand speechless for a
minute or so and suddenly Soultaker closes the briefcase.
     "Wow, as many souls as I've seen and I am amazed every time. Now remember the
combo is "666". "Well here's the recipe as promised. How do we bring him back?"
     "Hombre, my name is Soultaker, not Soulfixer. Figure it out. Nice doing business
with you."
     "I know how to bring him back Hombre it's cool. Clyde and I need to talk with
Taker a bit more, we'll meet you outside.
     Hombre and Soultaker exchange the recipe and briefcase. Hombre leaves the room.
Elephant and Clyde approach Soultaker.
     "Elephant can I help you with something?"
     "The name is Philo!"
     "Ok? What's up?"
     "I want you to stop challenging Hombre and I in TOGS. I also want that recipe
     "No can do on the challenges. It's TOGS live with it."
     "Live with this. Right turn Clyde!"
     Clyde throws a punch with his right hand knocking Soultaker out cold. Soultaker
hit's the floor and is motionless. Elephant takes out a knife and cuts Soultaker's
ponytail off. He then positions the ponytail on Soultaker's upper lip. The ponytail
is superglued on as Elephant and Clyde leave with the recipe.
     "Alright Orville, I have the recipes, let's go give Manager his soul back"
     "Dude! That wasn't part of the deal!"
     "We need the recipe to bring him back. Let's get outta here before Soultaker
wakes up."
     "Too late here he comes."
     We see a dazed Soultaker come outside with the longest handlebar mustache ever.
     "Elephant your gonna pay for this!"
     "Whatever you say Yosemite Sam! Guys, run."
     Elephant, Hombre and Clyde take off running. Soultaker goes to chase the three
and trips on his ponytache.
     "Where in the sam hill did that little bugger run off to?"

Every which way but loose
You turn me every which way but loose

Stay tuned next week for "Mother Superior Jump the Gun"

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                  The Status Dough
                                     Part Doughs

<Inside Swinetiger's Doughjo, Aradi>

     Goose the goose stood in front of the bread golem at the front desk, fidgeting
nervously as the dough initiate glanced down dubiously at his application, then back
up at Goose.  Up and down, down and up he glanced, his glances growing dubiouser and
     "So am I in, young dough-hopper?" Honked Goose cheerfully, trying the age-old
tested 'smooth 'em over with humor' technique, to little effect.  "My Dough-Fu may be
rusty, but as you can see, I come from impeccable lineage."
     "I have never heard of this master of yours you listed, a 'Honky McQuacks.'  You
say he was the 8th Grand Master of the Tae-Kwon-Dough school.  However, it is well
known that the 8th Grand Master was Ita Pita, originator of the Fist-of-Flat-Bread
technique that dominated Alastari of the time."  Countered the dough initiate, his
gaze shrewder than that of a normal golem.  "How do you respond to this
     Inwardly Goose cursed, knowing he should have made up a different name of the
Grand Master instead of using his dead uncle's.  "Was that his name?  Really?  He
must have been using an alias becau..."

<Outside Swinetiger's Doughjo, Aradi>

     "I'll sue you for defaminiscrimination!!" Yelled Goose, rubbing the spot on his
rear where the initiate had propelled him out of the doughjo.  "I know people!!  They
don't like me, but I know them!!!!"

<The Next Day, Inside Swinetiger's Doughjo, Aradi>

     "Have not I seen you before?" queried the dough initiate, staring skeptically at
the shabbily disguised goose standing in front of him.  Over the bird's head was a
poorly crafted mask intended to resemble a loaf of bread, and covering his torso was
a white toga with a blue, red and yellow spots on it with the word 'WONDER'
diagonally across the front.
     "You may have seen me on the winner's podium at numerous martial arts
competitions, but I've never seen you," honked Goose haughtily through his bread
mask.  "First name's Bredd, the last name's on the toga, son."
     "Bredd Wonder..." repeated the initiate slowly, scratching his chin, which
caused it to flake slightly.  "Wait here a moment, I shall be right back."
     As soon as the initiate left the room, Goose lifted up his stifling mask and
began rifling through the various papers in the desk drawers.  When he heard
footsteps returning, Goose shoved as many of the papers as he could down the front of
his pants, then attempted to stand casually by a bowl of complimentary croutons in
the reception area.
     "I have good news."  Said the dough initiate, smiling blissfully.  "The master
will grant you admission to his doughjo..."
     "WOO-HOO!!!" honked Goose prematurely, leaping into the air and pumping his
wings furiously.
     "...provided you can beat his three most promising students." Finished the bread
golem, smiling when heard Goose audibly gulp.  "This should be a simple matter for
the great Bredd Wonder, no?"
     "Can I use your bathroom?" Goose asked meekly, his mask luckily guarding from
view the deluge of sweat droplets pouring down his forehead.

<15 Minutes Later, Still Inside Swinetiger's Doughjo, Aradi>

     Goose entered the sparring room, for the first time getting a look at the
doughjo's master, the manager Swinetiger, who was seated regally in full-doughtus on
a ball of highly leavened dough.  Half tiger, half pig and half man (don't ask, the
math works out, trust me), he was a fearsome sight to behold.  Surrounding him in a
ring were approximately thirty bread golems of various shapes and sizes, their doughy
yet steely (somewhat contradictory, I know) gazes fixed on Goose.
     "Bredd Wonder," growled Swinetiger, "I have heard much of your prowess.  But to
join my doughjo you must be the best.  And to be the best, you must beat the best.
Prepare for combat!!"
     "How can this guy know about me?" thought Goose suspiciously, as Swinetiger's
eye literally twinkled.  "I don't even exist?"
     Then one of the students stepped forward into the ring across from Goose, his
massive dark brown frame seeming to swallow up the light in the room.  Goose could
not see the eyes in his sockets, just deep black holes which had no end.
     "This is Pumpernickel," Swinetiger informed, "He was born through a relentless
pounding of a harsh, dark dough.  Now he relentlessly pounds his opponents."
     Next, a slender, lighter-hued golem stepped onto the sparring mat, his steps
light and quick.  "This is Baguette," continued Swinetiger, "I found him penniless
and broke in the gutters of Paris.  Now he breaks his foes bones, leaving them a
single penny for his thoughts."
     Last came a rather non-descript bread golem, a look of displeasure on his face.
"And this is Gluten-Free.  As you'll soon find out, there isn't an ounce of sweetness
in him."
     Goose swallowed hard for what he thought might be the last time, then the three
golems leapt in the air for him.  Some instinct Goose had never before experienced
kicked in, and he ducked and rolled, popping up into a crouch as the three golems
collided in a pile.
     "He knows the Kaiser Roll..." whispered Swinetiger to himself, nearly
disbelieving his eyes.
     Then Pumpernickel charged forward with an angry roar, his fists pummeling before
him as he went.  Goose was surprised at his quickness, ducking left at the last
moment, the blow luckily only grazing the side of his head.
     "Look, a slice of tomato!" shouted Goose, and sure enough, the pea-brained
Pumpernickel's gaze drifted off to the phantom tomato.  Goose let loose into a scream
of his own, and leapt into a flying kick.  With horrific power he struck Pumpernickel
in the buns.
     The fatal bun shot was all she wrote for Pumpernickel, and Goose planted one
webbed foot on top of his vanquished foe, looking out at his two remaining enemies
who hadn't moved an inch the entire time.
     Just as Goose was going to go into his "I Am the Great Bredd Wonder And
I...etc." soliloquy, in walked the Greek Guy and Death Stud, who happened to be
sporting a gigantic mustache.

Stay tuned next week when we reach the anticlimactic conclusion of this tale

           + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Friday Night Lights ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                       Part 9

     Okay we are taking a break from our story as I have no brain cells left to write
with after the birth of child number 3. So instead you will get a very boring rundown
of my last several days to make my story for this week.
     Saturday- Dinner at Outback, things seems normal
     Sunday 6 AM wife wakes me up with a story about contractions
     6:05 AM I'm back asleep
     6:06 AM wife says to wake my butt up and help time contractions
     To 10:30 timing and getting kids ready to go if needed.
     11:00 head to hospital to check
     12:00 get admitted to hospital
     12-7:00 Long wait for baby
     7:28 baby arrives
     8:-10:00 family oohing and awing
     11:00 run out for food for wife
     12:00 go to sleep on nice hard couch
     12:15 nurse wakes me up
     1:00 baby comes in wakes me up
     1:45 baby leaves to nursery, wakes me up
     4:00 baby comes back, wakes me up
     6:00 nurse comes in...wakes me up
     7:00 I'm just up now
     9:00 have to get daughter from parents to take to gymnastics
     12:00 get daughter and take back to hospital to see brother
     3:00 have to leave to take daughter to dance
     5:00 back to hospital..did I mention 40 minute drive
     9:00 I go home tonight to keep other two kids
     I sleep
     Tuesday- 8:00 take son to mothers day out and then daughter to gymnastics
     9:00 back to hospital
     3:00 bring home the little man
     Night time, no sleep
     Feedings at odd hours of the night
     The rest is much the same as this .The little man is well behaved, I'm still
     Thursday- oh crap togs is due oh and the 3 classes I'm taking for my EDS all
have assignments overdue as I had no time to do them the last four days. Still tired
     11:00 Thursday night I write this article. Its bad but at least its something
and after reading some of your guys stuff I have to wonder what your excuse is?

The Greek Guy

   + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ "So you're back from vacation eh?" ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     Elephant welcomed his TOGS partner back somewhat coldly.
     "Yeah, Amster..."
     "Save it. Couldnt you have just written one spot while you were there?  We're
falling way behind because of you."
     "Well I could have, but the things I saw in Amster..."
     Elephant cut Hombre off once again.
     "We're almost below The Greek Guy and Rillion!  Do you even know how much they
     Hombre paused, then realized his partner was right.  they did suck. "Yeah,
you're right, they really do suck. But do they suck more than Slugbait and Creepster?
I mean really analyze the level of suckiness that are those two managers.  That is
major suckdom. you know?"
     Elephant pondered his friends very analytical thoughts. "I believe your're
right, those two are really sucky.  I mean, they aren't French Bread Connection
sucko, but extremely sucky none-the-less."


     "Wow, good call. You brought up a whole new level of sucknation dropping that
team name.  I'll do you one better, how about Pip?" Elephant asked his fellow
     "uh, you sound like creepster."
     "Better than soundign like Pip we've discovered. Or even The French Bread
Connection, who's level of suckiness is clearly greater than the Creepster's."
     "Clearly. But what about.."
     Hombre interrupted - "Amsterdam?"
     "No, I was gona say, what about Hammer, or TigToad for that matter?  Could you
imagine the Super-Size Suck if they were teamed up together??"
     "wow. sucky." Hombre nodded in agreement.
     "Heck yeah sucky.  They would suck so bad that the new trend in TOGS spotlights
would be about the mega-suck they would bring to Aradi."
     "Or Nuln and Snotmans spots would include suckbies, but I dont know if their
stories would be as funny. But I bet they would name warriors suck-lust just as an
homage to the level of absolute suckdom that Hammer and Tigtoad would bring if they
were teamed together."
     "Yeah, you're right. they stink."
     The moral of this story is that Amsterdam should be called Amster-DAMN! And I
recommend that all of you go there in your lifetime. You all have time to come back
and suck in TOGS IX or TOGS XII or whenever, but yeah, Amsterdam doesnt (suck).

-- Hombre

                                 DUELMASTER'S COLUMN
                             Notes from the arena champ.

Hail all Aradians, all Covers, all Colluders, and all anyone else I might have

I was quite surprised to end up DuelIIMaster.  Although probably not as surprised as
Edward Kingsley, seeing as I didn't die of shock over the matter.  I mean really now
Eddie, did you really think you stood a chance?!?  Oh sure, you could argue that you
had me desperate so it wasn't such a stupid challenge after all.  I say you could
argue, but you really can't because you're DEAD.  BWWWAHHHAAAA!!!  Now I get to test
out the whole, no downchallenge penalty for the DM.  Or at least I hope to get to
test it out rather then get bloodfeuded by one of your teammates.  Anyway, goodbye
everyone, I'm outta here. -- Tyvek  12(1)-8-12-17-21-4-11 Epee, HI/VH, parry learn.

                                      SPY REPORT

     Greetings, warriors of COLLUSION COVE!  Once again I've been called out of 
retirement for my abilities and insights into Spyreporting.  Woof!  ELOQUENT KNIGHTS 
were a bunch of dogs after CHILDHOOD TRAUMA got through with 'em!  7th ain't so sweet 
as 1st!  You know what they say about the herd of lions who studied a judge...  MY 
BEST BUDS 2 moved up 19 places, to 8th.  Ever take one of those association tests?  
You know, he says black, you say white.  Water-Lake, Sky-Blue. Try this:  Flop.  WILD 
CARDS!  DEATH STUDS VII bit the big one as they could not win.  They dropped from 4th 
down to 16th!  Are you guy giving lessons or what?  Looking for a good fight, 
confident, skilled, tough opponents.  Well don't look at LA BOULANGE, cause they 
dropped by 11.  Some people say I ramble too much, I don't say anything relevant.  I 
repeat myself.  I ramble.  Well LUROCIANS T308 moved up 8, to 12th.  What's with 
BIOZOMBIE?  He actually beat THE EYES HAVE IT's EYE SPY, and walked away with 24 more 
points from the fight.  Laughs were big at MY PRESENT while they watched T MARIE 
clobber EQUIPOLLENT.  She lost 16 points and got bruised from objects thrown from the 
stands.  I'm sure COLLUSION COVE is excited about 911, the new Duelmaster from 
CHILDHOOD TRAUMA.  (remember?)  But when you've seen as many as I have...  Advice to 
fighters with a 1 will--give up fighting!   
     If at first you don't succeed, avoid.  That'll get you in the Spyreports.  The 
most avoided team was ELOQUENT KNIGHTS.  The bums at CHILDHOOD TRAUMA couldn't face 
the challenges from ELOQUENT KNIGHTS!  No excuse for that!  How well I know the 
feeling of being the most challenged warrior, BLUE ICE!  Don't make idle boasts, they 
may come back to haunt you.  Taunt your opponent BEAST XVII!  That was my lucky charm 
when I was unfairly challenged.  (and by 42 points!)  SPIRITWALKER should have an 
easy win.  I have to get this off my chest.  What a low dog, SPIRITWALKER!  He can't 
set himself up in a real match.  I was sorry to see BEAST XVII lose.  DOUBLE D 
expects the easy win by going 22 points down.  SETH DRAVEN will find this a hard 
lesson!  DOUBLE D bested SETH DRAVEN.  MY PRESENT calls this fighting?  In my day...  
     There have been some calls to lengthen the time limit.  Do you want the fighters 
to walk away, or not?  Sending a warrior to the Dark Arena reminds the others they'd 
better shape up.  Tough beans, TOWEL BOY.  That's what a 5-8-1 gets you.  And this 
week the Duelmaster--whoops!  THE EYES HAVE IT has one week left to avenge PRIVATE 
EYE's death by excessive hits on the part of PLUM of FRUIT OF THE LOOM.  Here's some 
advice:  study your opponent, master many skills, fight dirty.   
     Many other cities have retirement homes for aged warriors.  Any plans here?  
COLLUSION COVE is a nice place to live, but I don't like to live in nice places.  
Time for my medication, so I'll leave now.  Practice, practice, practice!-- Olaf 

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 911 7936                     15  12  0   115       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 DUNNO 6988                   15  22  1   119       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 SPIRITWALKER 8431            10   3  0   118       DREAMTIME (633)
 STITCHES 8245                 9   8  1   114       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 VENREK 7477                  21   7  0   105       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 GAZREK 7858                  12   8  0    99       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 PLUM 8094                     9   5  2    98       FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
 RETRIBUTION XXIX 8259        14   6  0    96       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 I OWN INDIMAR 8084           11   9  0    96       4000 BLOWS (107)
 BOY GEORGE 8378              10   5  0    94       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 ODALISQUE 8121               11   3  2    92       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 FLICKED BOOGERS 6989         18  19  0    84       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 BUSTED NUTS 7134             13  17  1    84       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 T MARIE 8522                  5   4  1    84       MY PRESENT (637)
 HOWLER XIII 8302             10   3  2    83       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 ACIDULOUS 8384                9   2  0    75       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
 ZOMBIELUST 8181              10   4  0    73       4000 BLOWS (107)
 ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083             14  13  1    71       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 BEAST XVII 8303               8   8  0    70       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 TWIG 8096                     9   7  1    69       FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
 GHNSGFI 8526                  6   4  0    69       CLNGE (638)
 PEACH FUZZ 8095              10   8  1    67       FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 WILD YOUTH 8296               7   3  0    66       GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
 EQUIPOLLENT 8492              7   4  1    62       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
 DOUBLE D 8523                 6   3  2    61       MY PRESENT (637)
 DEAD ALIVE 8503               6   3  0    61       WILD CARDS (148)
 RESPECT THE PACKAGE 7832     12  11  0    59       WILD CARDS (148)
 VENGANZA 8408                 9   7  0    59       PASTAFARIANS (630)
 MONKEY PAW 7854               9   7  1    58       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 DAY BY DAY 8338               8   3  1    58       GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
 READY, STEADY, GO 8249        5   5  1    58       GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
 B.C. GOLD 7787               11  10  0    57       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
-RYEHARD 8339                  9   9  1    57       HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
 HAWAIIAN KONA 7853            8   9  0    57       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 VENGRAZ 8018                  8   3  0    57       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 CHONDROMALACIA 8432           7   8  0    55       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
-MAITRE BOULANGER 8350         6   3  0    55       LA BOULANGE (626)
 NYSTERIOUS WAYS 8464          9   4  0    54       PASTAFARIANS (630)
 MASTER EXPLODER 8500          6   3  0    54       4000 BLOWS (107)
 GUNPOWDER 8449                7   2  0    53       DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 WEKA DART 7979               11  11  1    51       WING HOVE (529)
-LE FOURNER 8354               5   6  0    51       LA BOULANGE (626)
-SCORN BREAD 8343             10   9  0    49       HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
 SHRIVELLED PRUNE 8177         6   8  1    49       FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
 WARM PIRATE 8407             10   6  0    48       PASTAFARIANS (630)
 DOPEY 8566                    3   1  0    48       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 DARIUS 8552                   6   3  0    47       LUROCIANS T308 (636)
-NAAN VIOLENT 8433             7   3  0    46       HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
 SOCRATES 8547                 7   2  0    45       GRECO-ROMAN (639)
 STAR 8427                     8   6  0    44       DREAMTIME (633)
 SISTER MOON 8489              5   5  0    43       DREAMTIME (633)
 BLACK DEATH 8446              3   6  0    43       DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
 SHAMIKA 8513                  7   3  0    42       LUROCIANS T308 (636)
 ARISTOTLE 8551                5   4  0    42       GRECO-ROMAN (639)
 ZOMBI 2 8571                  4   2  0    42       WILD CARDS (148)
 NOODLY APPENDIX 8404          8   8  0    40       PASTAFARIANS (630)
 WILD FLOWER 8443              7   7  0    40       DREAMTIME (633)
 SETH DRAVEN 8231              6   8  1    40       TPW FOREVER (619)
 NIAGARA FALLS 8533            6   4  0    40       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 L'APPRENTI 8351               6   5  0    39       LA BOULANGE (626)
 SENTINEL 8543                 8   0  0    38       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 100 PUNKS 8491                5   6  0    38       GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
 ASP VI 8579                   3   1  0    38       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 SHA'LONDA 8532                4   4  0    37       LUROCIANS T308 (636)
 SARDASIA 8512                 3   6  0    36       LUROCIANS T308 (636)
 FEZ 7878                      5   8  0    35       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 CRUCIFIED 8447                5   4  0    35       DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 HARD CIDER 7981               6   5  1    33       WILD CARDS (148)
 TIFFERS 8520                  4   4  0    33       MY PRESENT (637)
 KING ROCKER 8246              3   7  0    33       GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
 IJEOOGI 8528                  4   5  0    32       CLNGE (638)
 JAYSON DAYDE 8545             5   4  1    31       TPW FOREVER (619)
 MCSCROD 8481                  3   7  1    31       4000 BLOWS (107)
 HARUSPEX 8559                 6   2  0    30       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
 LEATHAM 8519                  2   5  0    30       MY PRESENT (637)
 PLATO 8550                    6   3  0    29       GRECO-ROMAN (639)
 GALILEO 8548                  5   4  0    29       GRECO-ROMAN (639)
 THE AFRICAN QUEEN 8473        4   6  0    29       NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
 EVIL AYE 8498                 4   5  0    29       THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
 DGA 8562                      2   5  0    29       MY PRESENT (637)
 EDIE 8429                     5   9  0    28       DREAMTIME (633)
 DESEARTES 8560                5   2  0    28       GRECO-ROMAN (639)
 THE EX 8436                   5  10  1    26       PURE EVIL (629)
 SCARLET ABATTOIR 8474         5   5  0    26       NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
 SUGAR 8534                    5   5  0    26       PURE EVIL (629)
 MANHATTAN PROJECT 8450        4   5  1    25       DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
 MISS PIGGY 8544               4   5  1    24       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 IICERGS 8524                  3   6  0    24       CLNGE (638)
 BIOZOMBIE 8607                1   0  0    24       WILD CARDS (148)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SHMEGMA 8502                  4   5  0    23       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 TONTO 8580                    3   1  0    23       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
-TAKE ANOTHER SHOT 8558        4   3  0    22       NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
-GLITTERDOOM 8585              1   1  0    22       DRAGON FLIGHT (640)
 JOHNNY 8511                   4   5  0    21       LUROCIANS T308 (636)
-MERGANDEVIN 8582              1   1  0    21       DRAGON FLIGHT (640)
 BREMEN 8570                   4   2  0    20       WING HOVE (529)
 SEL DUMB 8487                 2   0  0    20       FUNKY FOLK (565)
 TEMPE FACER SCROD 8506        4   6  1    19       NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
 GILMMAO 8525                  3   6  0    19       CLNGE (638)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 TOGS CHOKER 8561              3   4  0    17       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 CROP CIRCLE 8577              2   3  0    17       PASTAFARIANS (630)
 BLUE ICE 8578                 2   3  0    17       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 I EYE 8508                    2   7  0    17       THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
 VIC TOREE 8598                1   1  0    17       FUNKY FOLK (565)
 SPAM 8587                     3   1  1    16       PURE EVIL (629)
 AGMOUR 8568                   3   3  0    16       4000 BLOWS (107)
 ICE CREAM SOLDIER 8471        1   9  0    16       NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
 JOKER 8575                    2   3  0    13       PURE EVIL (629)
 STINK I 8572                  2   2  0    13       THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
-ANGALANDER 8581               1   0  0    13       DRAGON FLIGHT (640)
 POLITICIAN 8586               4   0  0    12       PURE EVIL (629)
 SQUEEZE THE LEMONS 8569       3   3  0    12       FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
-WRECKING CROUTON 8600         1   0  0    10       HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
 EYE SPY 8596                  2   1  1     8       THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
 MGGIOJI 8591                  2   1  0     8       CLNGE (638)
 MRS. ROBINSON 8573            1   4  1     8       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 I IN THE SKY 8588             1   1  0     8       THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
 ONLYFORTOGS 8601              1   0  0     8       TPW FOREVER (619)
-ICING DEATH 8584              0   1  0     7       DRAGON FLIGHT (640)
-HEPHAESTUS 8583               0   2  0     6       DRAGON FLIGHT (640)
 DAN GLING 8554                0   1  0     5       FUNKY FOLK (565)
 WHITE WOLF IX 8593            0   3  0     3       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 JIMMY PITT 8595               0   3  0     3       TPW FOREVER (619)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD                W  L K TEAM NAME            SLAIN BY              TURN Revenge?
ILLUMINATI 8599         0  2 0 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP 634 SPAM 8587             444   
BESS AMY 8574           1  2 0 FUNKY FOLK 565       ARENAMASTER HARK      444  NONE
THE BUNISHER 8341      10  3 1 HOUSE OF GRAIN 625   T MARIE 8522          443   
DOUBLE CHOCOLAIN 8461   4  5 0 LA BOULANGE 626      READY, STEADY, G 8249 443   
LOST BREAD 8546         2  6 0 LA BOULANGE 626      ARNIE SHEW            444  NONE
TAXMAN 8397             6  6 0 PURE EVIL 629        DOUBLE D 8523         440  NOT REVENGED
PRIVATE EYE 8425        7  3 0 THE EYES HAVE IT 632 PLUM 8094             441   
TOWEL BOY 8265          5  9 1 TPW FOREVER 619      GARGOYLE PRINCE       444  NONE
PANAMON 8087            9  8 0 WING HOVE 529        DAY BY DAY 8338       440  REVENGED
PAR 8297                8  5 1 WING HOVE 529        STITCHES 8245         442   

                                     PERSONAL ADS

Le Pentarque -- Next time we go with Stone Golems.  Apparently Bread Golems are cheap
for a reason. -- SwineTiger

T Marie -- Thanks for turning my beloaved bonus-heavy bread creation (11-11-11-21-17-
7-7 Master Init, AdEx Attk, Exp Def/Par/Rip) into a panini.  Somebody should start an
all LU arena. -- SwineTiger

Yippety dippety doo dahTyvekeronious chimp chompinski champ. -- The Creepster

And the composition awards from The International Award-Winning Aradi Free Press are:
    Gold Crown (best)             Rules Lawyer (Darque)
    Silver Scarf (next best)      Realityworld (Soultaker)
    Bronze Pasties                 Fourpeat (Death Stud)
    Tin Cup (not so best)         Stuff (GenX)
Wear your prizes with pride and joy. -- Editor, IAWAFP

Tidbits From The International Award Winning Aradi Free Press is not being published
this round as your Editor is in Chicago interviewing for Obama's Vice Presidential
position. -- Sales Director, IAWAFP

Squeeze -- Perhaps your lemons were merely too sensitive?  Suck it up Big Guy.  BTW,
Dopey said you didn't have any? -- Mrs Robinson

Death Studly -- What words?  They hurt?  I wanna repeat 'em. -- The Crazy Creeps

Hammer -- Did Manager get to you?  You are joining his camp?  Quitters Anonymous? --
The Crazy Creeps Scribe

GILMMAO -- I don't need to understand you to outduel you.  Nope. -- Sentinel

Stink I -- You?  What you mean WE, Kemosabe? -- Tonto

Wild Youth -- Oh, to be you.  But I am only a mere beautiful lady.  (sniff, sniff) --
Miss Piggy

Take Another Shot -- Well, I did, and I didn't know you liked that kind of stuff,
Hon. -- Mrs Robinson

Squeeze The Lemons -- Doc taught me how to make lemonade out of lemons. -- Dopey

Darius -- That was a blind challenge on my part.  I would say good fight, but I'm not
sure that lasted long enough to be considered a fight. -- Manhattan Project

Plato -- A rare win for me, and against a skilled opponent based upon appearances.
Will wonders never cease? -- Black Death

Towel Boy -- Not sure about that match up.  I would give it to you 9 times out of 10.
Guess luck was with me this time out. -- Crucified

Scorn Bread -- I'm my manager's one bright spot.  You can see why now.  I just need a
spark to set me off, and you provided it.  Thanks! -- Gunpowder

Whacking Crouton -- Not exactly the debut that I was anticipating.  Hopefully the
future will be more illuminating. -- Illuminati

Pip -- Think our strategies got mixed up with someone else's.  Whatever the reason,
good turn! -- Master Darque

AAAAA     To whom it may concern     AAAAA
Please try hard to be kind to Death Stud for it was not his fault what his Mother
dumped on the world. -- Thank You from The Creepster

McScrod -- It's the dollar menu for you. -- The Ex

Blue Ice --  Looks like I cooled you off.  Hahahahaha! -- Joker

Obligatory personal add from a busy manager:  Pastafarian's own Gen. Ironcide

Run on maintenance and have best turn yet; that will show them. -- GI

I am thinking killing off all my guys and starting over.  I hope that motivates them.
-- GI

3D's Not L33T -- How you managed to jump Burnt Offerings with so much less Decise,
I'll never know.  Fights like that are precisely why I'm trying to move away from
running so many Decise-dependent warriors.  Congratulations on the win and your
invite. -- Samwise

Hammer -- I'd say you'll be missed, but I'd be lying (at least in this corner of the
world). -- Samwise

Ouch!  2-3 wasn't so bad last turn, but the two wins against STAND-INS?  Ugh! --

TGG -- Hey, a spotlight and actually submitting strategies, this is a big deal for
me! -- Rillion

Death Sub -- Hey a 4-6 over the last two turns isn't all that bad a result for
putting zero effort into it.  Remember, trying is for suckers. -- Rillion

All -- Let all of you collusion theorists rest easy, the FONZ will not be
cooperating. -- Snotman
P.S.  Dominating is another matter but I put the blame on non-FONZ teams for failing
to bring their A-game.

T.H.R.E.E.P.E.A.T -- We score 55, you score 55.  We score 65, you score 65.  We score
60, you score 60.  We score 35, you score...wait a second, 58!?  I thought that we
were dancing here! -- N.U.T.S.A.C.K.Z.

All -- sadly, I'm back from vacation.  If I would had tried to write spotlights from
France, with the way their keyboards are set up, they would have made even less sense
than Elephant's spots.... -- Hombre

TGG -- Congrats on the new recruit!  With that name, you may as well give that kid a
country recording contract right now. -- Hombre

Elephant -- That's the last time I let you run my team! -- Hombre

Master Darque -- I object! -- Death Stud

Hombre -- I'll hold down the Crazy Creeps Scribe, you got that red-belly ready?  Oui?
-- Death Stud

Mannequin -- I can't be held responsible for your personal issues and whether or not
something out our various peats, whether they be three or four, bothers you. -- Death

Soultaker -- Let's be sure not to pull a Lakers Game 4 in our TOGS, right?  I mean,
if the Lakers can fold and let a team like Boston sneak back and take that game,
there's no reason one of these teams couldn't do the same thing to us in TOGS.  Stay
focused and DRIVE TO DAMN THE HOOP! -- Death Stud

Nuln -- What say we just get rid of the multipliers at the end, just for this TOGS?
You know, shake things up a bit to keep it fresh?  I like the idea, personally, and
I'm pretty sure that Soultaker would be supportive as well. -- Death Stud

Samwise -- I'm glad I could help.  As I've always said, a non-alliance that spoons
together, stays together. -- Death Stud (revealing the secret of the FONZ longevity
as a group)

Snotman -- Interesting article last week by that reporting, Mr. Chalky.  So, is that
really snot? -- Death Stud

Hammer -- I know that maintenance can be pretty time-consuming....  I hope that
you'll consider at least fighting every turn and writing when/if you can.  I hate to
see a partner left totally in the lurch. -- Death Stud

Slugbait -- Rumor is that you can't bloodfeud to save anyone's life, or to revenge
anyone's life, as the case may be. -- Studs

Anti -- Yes, the ball has been very lonely without you on it. -- Studdie

3d's Not l33t -- Me = bitter.  That should have been my fight. -- Retribution

Pip -- What, are you going to wear the instead of your "Everyone in Aradi's weeyotch"
t-shirt or just wear it over that one for a turn or two? -- Death Stud

Spiritwalker -- Nice challenge.  I didn't notice that you had a TV challenge or I
might have had to lay down an avoid on you.  Once bitten... -- Howler

Respect the Package -- Points for unwarranted bravery on last turn's comeback
challenge on Acidulous.  You letting Samwise do your challenges for you? -- Death

Twig -- Couldn't happen to a nicer guy. -- Retribution

I think I may need to name a team "Monkey Slap Boxing" during a face to face...and
see if it gets censored. :)  -- Anti

Street Legal -- Where's the love man?  I didn't know TOGS was going to be about
hurting other people!  *SNIFF* -- Anti

Tyvek -- Huh.  That didn't go well. -- Anti

Le Pentarque -- I had to cut and paste your name.  I could have used that time to
think up a good insult but meh.... -- Anti

All -- Sorry for  nothing better, but we had a new baby arrive and this is all you
get. -- The Greek Guy

More ads to follow. -- Death Stud

Creepster -- We have our work cut out for us. -- slugbait

Respect the Package -- Please feel free to visit me again anytime. -- Acidulous

Hard Cider -- Maybe with more time but as for now closer to apple juice. --

100 punks -- Were you named after the applicants for Manager's alliance? -- Haruspex

Plum -- We are going to have to try this again. -- Odalisque

Editor, IAWAFP -- I don't own 75% of Mordant; I own ALL of it. I just rent 25% of it
to One-Armed Bandit. -- Mannequin

Soultaker -- "Don't want to pull a Mannequin"?  Oh, how sweet of you to name your
*BLEEP* after me.  I'll bet you can't stop at just one.... :) --  Mannequin

Odalisque -- Time to hit the gym, Muscles. -- Plum

Consortium -- Glad to see someone here appreciates good anti-FONZ humor (is there any
other kind?). -- Pip
P.S.  FONZ can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

Darque -- Oh me oh my, we got some points.  Hopefully we won't finish dead last. --

Snotman -- You're not too shabby there either, my mucositous fellow.  Keep grinding
that pedal.  Team TwoPeat's going down in a Rillion/TGG haze of unglory this turn, I
can feel it! -- Nuln

Pip -- After throwing rocks at me from your roof, what makes you think I'm making you
a t-shirt? -- Nuln

Ryehard -- Perhaps I was not what you were thinking?  Or maybe I was what you were
thinking, but your thinking was just wrong.  In any event, I salute you on your
attempt. -- I Own Indimar (and Ryehard)

Fez -- Festive as hatwear, but perhaps not well suited as a gladiator.  I salute you
on your brave challenge. -- Master Exploder

Asp whatever -- Yes, I hate you, and your little grinning manager too.  Revenge will
be Mine!  MINE I SAY!!!!!!! -- Agmour

Soultaker -- Oh you'll get yours too, non-alliance mate. -- Nuln
P.S.  I can't believe it has come to this...betrayed!!! ;)

L'Apprenti -- According to your name, you're in the wrong class.  I'll let it slide
this time.  Good fight. -- Zombielust

Hombre -- I think you need to sell Stud and Soulie on a trip somewhere tropical, say,
like Booty Bay.  I think they could use a distraction from all this time and
attention they're paying to that stupid TOGS contest you sometimes hear mentioned. --
P.S.  Oh, did I just write this in the personals?

Mannequin -- Top basher?  You should be ashamed of yourself. -- Nuln

La Boulange -- Sorry bout that.  I'm sure there's a Maitre in my future. -- RSG

Hombre -- Any chance we can both a good turn together?  Actually I'll settle for two
decents. -- Elephant

Pauly -- I promise to make things right with you and Eartha. -- Elephant

31 May 2008
Any and all who live in the 805 area, I would like for you to call me so we can get
together for BBQ's, softball games, and so on.  It has been a while since the last
get together (several years).  It was a blast and I am sure the next one will be
also.  We just have to do it.  All alliances are welcome.  Just because my warriors
leave your warrior beaten and bloody in defeat does not mean we can't have a beer or
five together.  I'll even buy the first round.  So call 805-588-3419 and ask for Dave
a.k.a. Misfit, former member of the Green and Purple Polka Dot Alliance (GAPPDA).

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

TOWEL BOY was butchered by GARGOYLE PRINCE in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
LOST BREAD was dealt death by ARNIE SHEW in a exciting 1 minute Dark Arena duel.
BESS AMY was murdered by ARENAMASTER HARKON in a 1 minute gruesome Dark Arena fight.
L'APPRENTI was devastated by READY, STEADY, GO in a 1 minute Bloodfeud contest.
SPIRITWALKER devastated BEAST XVII in a 1 minute gory uneven Challenge brawl.
DUNNO devastated RETRIBUTION XXIX in a 2 minute mismatched Challenge match.
I OWN INDIMAR was outwaited by VENREK in a 7 minute expert's Challenge melee.
FLICKED BOOGERS was vanquished by STITCHES in a 1 minute uneven Challenge fight.
BUSTED NUTS was defeated by PLUM in a popular 2 minute gory expert's Challenge match.
BOY GEORGE savagely defeated ACIDULOUS in a 3 minute master's Challenge match.
ZIG-ZAG MAN subdued RESPECT THE PACKAGE in a 1 minute master's Challenge match.
DOUBLE D beat SETH DRAVEN in a 2 minute Challenge conflict.
ZOMBIELUST handily defeated CHONDROMALACIA in a 1 minute uneven Challenge fight.
WILD YOUTH devastated SHRIVELLED PRUNE in a 1 minute uneven Challenge duel.
ZOMBI 2 was savagely defeated by VENGANZA in a 3 minute Challenge brawl.
GUNPOWDER was savagely defeated by GHNSGFI in a exciting 3 minute Challenge bout.
VENGRAZ savagely defeated WARM PIRATE in a popular 6 minute bloody Challenge match.
HAWAIIAN KONA devastated HARUSPEX in a 2 minute gory one-sided Challenge contest.
DEAD ALIVE slimly won victory over WEKA DART in a popular 2 minute Challenge match.
BLACK DEATH lost to NYSTERIOUS WAYS in a 1 minute Challenge fray.
SENTINEL unbelievably bested IJEOOGI in a exciting 3 minute gory Challenge bout.
TONTO was defeated by SARDASIA in a 1 minute novice vs. veteran Challenge duel.
NIAGARA FALLS luckily beat KING ROCKER in a exciting 2 minute gruesome Challenge bout.
MCSCROD was beaten by ASP VI in a action packed 1 minute Challenge duel.
DOPEY savagely defeated STAR in a exciting 5 minute bloody Challenge fray.
SHA'LONDA vanquished EDIE in a popular 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
EVIL AYE was vanquished by SISTER MOON in a 1 minute brutal one-sided Challenge fray.
MANHATTAN PROJECT subdued GILMMAO in a 2 minute Challenge fight.
DGA overpowered JOKER in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
I EYE was savagely defeated by DESEARTES in a 4 minute brutal Challenge fray.
CROP CIRCLE viciously subdued JIMMY PITT in a popular 4 minute bloody Challenge duel.
STINK I outlasted SQUEEZE THE LEMONS in a unpopular 24 minute Challenge match.
TIFFERS beat THE EX in a popular 1 minute Challenge fray.
TOGS CHOKER was demolished by THE AFRICAN QUEEN in a 1 minute Challenge match.
BLUE ICE subdued ICE CREAM SOLDIER in a 1 minute Challenge duel.
TYVEK was overpowered by 911 in a crowd pleasing 1 minute one-sided Title competition.
YELLOW JACKET was vanquished by GAZREK in a exciting 1 minute one-sided match.
BURNT OFFERINGS vanquished HOWLER XIII in a 1 minute mismatched duel.
TWIG was demolished by ODALISQUE in a 1 minute uneven conflict.
EQUIPOLLENT was handily defeated by T MARIE in a 1 minute mismatched fight.
PEACH FUZZ savagely defeated 100 PUNKS in a 2 minute gruesome competition.
NOODLY APPENDIX was handily defeated by MONKEY PAW in a 1 minute one-sided match.
WILD FLOWER subdued MISS PIGGY in a action packed 1 minute fight.
DARIUS overpowered SCARLET ABATTOIR in a 1 minute uneven bout.
CRUCIFIED was defeated by SHAMIKA in a action packed 2 minute brutal competition.
SOCRATES subdued VISITING ORC in a 2 minute veteran vs. novice conflict.
DAY BY DAY demolished IICERGS in a 1 minute one-sided fight.
HARD CIDER was handily defeated by MASTER EXPLODER in a 1 minute mismatched contest.
B.C. GOLD overpowered PLATO in a 1 minute one-sided struggle.
SHMEGMA was subdued by FEZ in a popular 2 minute brawl.
BREMEN was devastated by ARISTOTLE in a 1 minute one-sided match.
JAYSON DAYDE bested AGMOUR in a popular 1 minute brawl.
GALILEO savagely defeated JOHNNY in a crowd pleasing 3 minute gory duel.
SUGAR defeated I IN THE SKY in a exciting 5 minute master vs. amateur brawl.
LEATHAM overpowered MGGIOJI in a 1 minute uneven fight.
TEMPE FACER SCROD was subdued by VIC TOREE in a 2 minute conflict.
SEL DUMB subdued MRS. ROBINSON in a popular 4 minute conflict.
ILLUMINATI was butchered by SPAM in a 1 minute bloody one-sided fight.
POLITICIAN narrowly defeated WHITE WOLF IX in a 7 minute gory beginner's duel.
EYE SPY was overpowered by BIOZOMBIE in a 1 minute gruesome one-sided fight.
DAN GLING was viciously subdued by ONLYFORTOGS in a exciting 3 minute novice's match.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|STRIKING ATTACK                 30         PARRY-RIPOSTE     10 -   8 -  0      56  |
|LUNGING ATTACK                  22         STRIKING ATTACK  200 - 168 - 10      54  |
|TOTAL PARRY                     16         WALL OF STEEL     53 -  47 -  4      53  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                 13         TOTAL PARRY       92 -  85 -  0      52  |
|AIMED BLOW                      12         PARRY-STRIKE      19 -  18 -  0      51  |
|WALL OF STEEL                   10         AIMED BLOW        61 -  70 -  3      47  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   8         PARRY-LUNGE       12 -  14 -  0      46  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     4         SLASHING ATTACK   48 -  57 -  2      46  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      2         LUNGING ATTACK   103 - 127 -  3      45  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    1         BASHING ATTACK    34 -  49 -  4      41  |

Turn 444 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

STRIKING ATTACK   20 - 10     LUNGING ATTACK    10 - 12         7  STRIKING ATTACK
SLASHING ATTACK    7 -  6     TOTAL PARRY        7 -  9         2  BASHING ATTACK 
AIMED BLOW         6 -  6     BASHING ATTACK     3 -  5         2  TOTAL PARRY    
PARRY-LUNGE        1 -  1     WALL OF STEEL      3 -  7     
                              PARRY-STRIKE       1 -  3     
                              PARRY-RIPOSTE      0 -  1     

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
STRIKING ATTACK  911 7936                   15  12  0  115 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
TOTAL PARRY      VENREK 7477                21   7  0  105 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
BASHING ATTACK   PLUM 8094                   9   5  2   98 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
WALL OF STEEL    ACIDULOUS 8384              9   2  0   75 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
LUNGING ATTACK   ZOMBIELUST 8181            10   4  0   73 4000 BLOWS (107)
SLASHING ATTACK  ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083           14  13  1   71 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
PARRY-STRIKE     TWIG 8096                   9   7  1   69 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
AIMED BLOW       DAY BY DAY 8338             8   3  1   58 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
PARRY-LUNGE      NIAGARA FALLS 8533          6   4  0   40 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is DUNNO 6988.  The most popular warrior this turn was 
I OWN INDIMAR 8084.  The ten other most popular fighters were VENGRAZ 8018, BOY 
ROCKER 8246, VENGANZA 8408, IJEOOGI 8528, and DOPEY 8566.

The least popular fighter this week was SQUEEZE THE LEMONS 8569.  The other ten least 
popular fighters were STINK I 8572, POLITICIAN 8586, EYE SPY 8596, ILLUMINATI 8599, 
MGGIOJI 8591, SUGAR 8534, BREMEN 8570, PLATO 8550, HARD CIDER 7981, and IICERGS 8524.

The following warriors will travel to AD after next turn:

DUNNO (60-6988) HIT ME WITH... (503)

The following warriors have traveled to AD after fighting this turn:

TYVEK (60-7478) DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)

                         SUMMER FACE-TO-FACE IN MINNEAPOLIS!

Our summer FTF will be held in Minneapolis, Minnesota, July 18-20, 2008.  It will be 
held at the Holiday Inn Select Minneapolis/St. Paul in Blomington, MN, just down the 
street from the Mall of America, at 3 Appletree Square (952-854-9000).  Rooms are only 
$105.00 per night, 1-2 occupancy.  There is a free 24-hour shuttle from the airport
and free shuttle service to the mall; free parking, free high-speed wireless internet
in all guestrooms.  There is a large fitness center, jacuzzi, and indoor pool.  The 
rooms are blocked--ask for the "Reality Simulations" room block.  There are tons of 
restaurants nearby at the Mall, as well as a cafe in the hotel.  

Hotel info:  www.himspairport.com
Mall of America:  www.mallofamerica.com

The tournament information sheet will be out imminently.  We hope you're all looking 
forward to the tournament and that we will see you there!