DUEL 2 NEWSLETTER Date : 06/27/2008 Duedate: 07/10/2008 COLLUSION COVE ARENA DM-60 TURN-445 This Weeks Top Honors THE DUELMASTER IS ODALISQUE ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) (60-8121) [12-3-2,109] Chartered Recognition Leader Unchartered Recognition Leader SPIRITWALKER GLITTERDOOM DREAMTIME (633) DRAGON FLIGHT (640) (60-8431) [11-3-0,125] (60-8585) [2-1-0,27] Popularity Leader This Weeks Favorite ZIG-ZAG MAN PLATO MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) GRECO-ROMAN (639) (60-7083) [15-13-1,75] (60-8550) [7-3-0,40] THE CURRENT TOP TEAM GENX PERFECT HITS (620) TEAMS ON THE MOVE TOP CAREER HONORS Team Name Point Gain Chartered Team 1. JGW PERISABLE! (641) 57 2. WILD CARDS (148) 50 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) 3. GENX PERFECT HITS (620) 43 Unchartered Team 4. DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) 40 5. TPW FOREVER (619) 38 JGW PERISABLE! (641) The Top Teams Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K 1/ 0*JGW PERISABLE! (641) 3 1 0 75.0 1/ 2 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) 11 4 1 2/ 2 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) 156 104 8 60.0 2/11 PASTAFARIANS (630) 11 4 0 3/ 1 GRECO-ROMAN (639) 30 20 1 60.0 3/17 HIT ME WITH... (503) 9 6 1 4/ 4 DEATH STUDS VII (301) 536 426 20 55.7 4/15 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 9 6 1 5/ 3 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) 47 38 8 55.3 5/ 5 GRECO-ROMAN (639) 9 6 1 6/ 5 CRAZY CREEPS (207) 612 501 22 55.0 6/ 8 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 9 6 0 7/ 7 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 248 219 14 53.1 7/ 1 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) 9 6 0 8/ 8 WILD CARDS (148) 809 716 34 53.0 8/14 WILD CARDS (148) 9 6 0 9/ 9 PASTAFARIANS (630) 45 40 0 52.9 9/12 LUROCIANS T308 (636) 9 6 0 10/ 6 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) 46 41 2 52.9 10/ 3 PURE EVIL (629) 8 7 1 11/11 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) 32 29 2 52.5 11- 4*MY PRESENT (637) 7 3 1 12/10 DREAMTIME (633) 38 36 0 51.4 12/19 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) 7 6 0 13/ 0*LATHE OF HEAVEN (603) 5 5 0 50.0 13/ 7 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) 7 8 0 14/12 LUROCIANS T308 (636) 26 27 0 49.1 14/10 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) 7 8 0 15/13 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) 117 122 3 49.0 15/ 9 4000 BLOWS (107) 7 8 0 16/14 4000 BLOWS (107) 712 786 32 47.5 16/20 DREAMTIME (633) 7 8 0 17/17 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 89 101 4 46.8 17/22 TPW FOREVER (619) 6 8 0 18/16 WING HOVE (529) 132 151 6 46.6 18/ 6 CRAZY CREEPS (207) 6 9 1 Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K 19/15 PURE EVIL (629) 39 45 3 46.4 19/21 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) 6 9 0 20/21 TPW FOREVER (619) 44 52 4 45.8 20/13 CLNGE (638) 6 9 0 21/20 HIT ME WITH... (503) 89 107 4 45.4 21/16 DEATH STUDS VII (301) 5 10 0 22-18*MY PRESENT (637) 19 23 3 45.2 22/25 FUNKY FOLK (565) 4 3 0 23-19 LA BOULANGE (626) 23 28 0 45.1 23/ 0*JGW PERISABLE! (641) 3 1 0 24/27*DRAGON FLIGHT (640) 4 5 0 44.4 24/26*DRAGON FLIGHT (640) 3 1 0 25/22 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) 22 28 1 44.0 25/18 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) 3 7 0 26/25 FUNKY FOLK (565) 73 103 10 41.5 26/24 THE EYES HAVE IT (632) 3 11 0 27/24 CLNGE (638) 21 30 0 41.2 27/27 WING HOVE (529) 1 5 0 28/23 THE EYES HAVE IT (632) 23 34 1 40.4 28-23 LA BOULANGE (626) 1 6 0 29-26 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591) 83 131 6 38.8 29-28 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591) 0 2 0 30/28 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) 20 33 1 37.7 30/ 0*LATHE OF HEAVEN (603) 0 1 0 '*' Unchartered team '-' Team did not fight this turn (###) Avoid teams by their Team Id ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank TEAM SPOTLIGHT + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Prop-a-Gander Symposium ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + Devil's Workshop Turn 10 Pip and Master Darque were hanging out at Darque's newly built wizard's tower on the outskirts of Aradi when a knock was heard at the front door. Neither manager was expecting any visitors. They had sent their warriors into town for supplies, so it certainly would not be one of them. They looked at one another suspiciously and then proceeded to the front door with caution. "Who is it," Darque asked in a high pitched shrill. It was his attempt at sounding like the lady of the house, and putting the unknown visitor off-guard. Knowing full well that it was a man behind the door, the messenger just rolled his eyes. Managers in Aradi were a strange lot and ever suspicious of even the most mundane activities. He would have to ask how far along his transfer to Chimlevtal was coming. "I have a special message delivery for a Master Darque and Pip the Troll," he finally said after cycling through the list of career blunders that had landed him in one of the most undesired position in all of Alastari--delivery boy. The door cracked slightly and the messenger could see Pip peering at him from a normal eye level, but below him he could see the red eyes of the small Master Darque. "I have a special invitation from Manager to Pip the Troll and Master Darque," the messenger clarified. He presented a rolled parchment to the door. Pip slipped his hand through the crack and snatched the scroll. The door quickly shut. The messenger shook his head and turned to leave, knowing he had many more special deliveries to make and to people stranger than the duo he just encountered. Darque checked the scroll for any magical seals or traps and only then did Pip unroll it and read it allowed: "You are hereby invited to the special symposium hosted by Manager on the topic of Propaganda: Out FONZing the FONZ. The event will be held in secret at the Aradi Days Inn ballroom and banquet center. It will begin sharply at 10 AM. Don't be late! Refreshments will be served." Pip wasn't really interested in going, but Darque kept belaboring the point that there would be free refreshments. He finally gave in to the little half-demon's nagging and decided to go. He had never been to a symposium before, and was not likely to ever go to one again, so this would be a once in a lifetime experience. They arrived promptly at 10 AM, and found some people huddled together in a dimly lit ballroom. They found a table sit at after carousing a bit by the refreshment table to pick up some scrod and cheese bits, scrod crispy treats, and Scrodbucks coffee. They waited for the symposium to begin while chatting and munching on scrod crispy treats. Manager began his symposium shortly after 10 AM. It was apparent from the look on his face that he was not pleased with the turn out. He removed Seraphim from his left butt cheek and assigned him the job of passing out pamphlets those who did attend. He then spoke for four hours non-stop about the evils of the FONZ and how they can be destroyed. Darque and Pip left the symposium and headed back to the wizard's tower on the outskirts of Aradi. Darque was intrigued by the information on the pamphlet and Manager's speech at the symposium. Manager had laid out the nine principles of good propaganda and how it could be used to defeat the FONZ in the TOGS. Manager had outlined his propaganda proposal very well and Darque reminisced about it. "The first thing we have to do is sell the Big Lie, not the little ones, people see through those too easily. We can't say that Death Stud eats babies, we have go bigger than that and tell people that if FONZ is allowed to win the TOGS that their children will get an incurable disease, their wives will grow massive facial warts, and small cuddly puppies everywhere in Aradi will die!" Manager had spouted into the hands-free microphone he wore on his head. He then continued, "Then we have to make sure we keep the focus simple. We can't be filling the heads of Aradians with too many messages. We need to chant COLLUSION, COLLUSION, COLLUSION anywhere the FONZ has a foothold." Darque thought this portion of the plan was in full effect already and would need little in way of advertisement. Which was convenient since the next step in good Manager propaganda was to repeat the same message over and over and over and over and over again. The people of Aradi knew the COLLUSION message by heart. "All right, when we get those down, we move in for the kill and start playing the blame game with them. You cannot, and I repeat, cannot ever give any credit to the FONZ for anything they do! You have to blame, blame, and blame even more. When a natural disaster occurs, blame the FONZ. When a giant demon spider bites the head off of a horse, and we know who is responsible for that, don't blame Pauly and Laverne, blame the FONZ!" Manager then continued, "Once we have them blaming the FONZ for everything that goes wrong in Aradi and have them on the ropes, that is when we provoke the people's emotions. We run sappy commercials with bunnies and kids in it showing what great people all of us are, except the FONZ, they are evil." Manager took a deep breath before continuing on to step six in his grand scheme. "This is no place for gray areas, people. We have to draw a line and put us on one side and FONZ on the other. The people are not interested in the middle, but they need clearly defined boundaries. We are good and FONZ is evil. It is a simple thing to remember when dealing with the people of Aradi. Us good, them bad!" "Next, we need a good symbol. People love symbols and slogans. I was thinking we could wrap our images in the Andorian flag and scrod. People will love it. Then we could photoshop some pictures of FONZ members at Aradi flag burnings and put them up all over You Scrod and Scrodbook," Manager was foaming at the mouth with the thought of defaming the FONZ using the newest fad--the internet. Darque had stopped Manager at this point by asking, "What about the smart people in Aradi? You know as well as I do that not everyone is going to fall for these tricks." Manager was perturbed that anyone would question his brilliance, but he answered the question sufficiently with his next point. "We have an answer for that with point number eight. We ignore the intellectuals! Reasonable arguments have no place in propaganda, so we ignore them and focus our attention on Joe Aradiman down the street. Once we have them on board, the intellectuals will have to get on board or get out of town!" Manager had one point remaining, but that is when Darque decided that he had heard enough. He nudged Pip and they left before Manager ended the symposium. Karaoke was to follow the symposium and Darque the half-demon necromancer would have no part in such nefarious practices as karaoke. "So why didn't we at least stay and listen to the last point. Seems kinda strange that you would sit through all of them except the last one." Pip said as they neared the wizard tower. "Oh, I read the pamphlet and we didn't need to stay for that last one," Darque responded. "Really, what was the last point?" Darque opened the door to his tower with a wave of his hand. As they entered he said, "It just said ignore all moral limits. I figured since we have no morals, or at least fall into the category of 'questionable morals' that we did not need to stay for that point." "Ah, good call on that one. Well, I'm going to watch this new video that was sent to me. It is called 2 FONZies and 1 Cup." + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ FONZ-Suit Mania ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + A Crazy Creeps TOGS 10 Presentation Nuln was hurting. Simply put, the Nulnlicker was in serious and tortuous unmitigated pain and sorrow. It was gone! He absolutely could not do without it, but somehow it was gone. In his monumental sorrow, he wondered to himself, "How could anyone have stolen it?" He had hand-washed it with care last night before beddy-bye time and had hung it to dry by his bedside. He had taken great care to set the special little protective snares Death Stud had designed which Soultaker has said were stealproof and foolproof. But obviously they weren't, because his FONZ-Suit was gone. Kaput! Not there. And he was sad. Really sad. He didn't know what to do. He sure as all get out was not going to report the theft to Stunted Studly, because The Stud would get mad and mean, and go into a pompous lecture about all the fools he had allowed into his own Non-Alliance, and how none of them could do anything right and would never amount to more than a hill of beans. (Nuln could never figure out the hill of beans significance, because at today's prices, a hill of beans would be quite valuable. But that was The Stud for you. He always spoke some type of unusual midget-speak, especially when he was mad which was nearly one hundred percent of the time.) "Eureka!" thought Nuln. "I've got it! I will visit Soultaker and inform him of the theft. He will know what to do. Besides, Souly was the only one who seemed to know how to tell The Stud to stick it when it became necessary which was nearly one hundred percent of the time." So he did. And lo and behold when he arrived the Soultaker was the most despondent looking Nuln had ever seen him, and Nulnlicker knew at once that Souly's FONZ-Suit was gone also. Oh, my! Six beers later they were feeling almost back to normal and could discuss their loss more reasonably. "Man, I always loved the design and color. You could wear it proudly anywhere in Aradi." said Soultaker. "Yeah, Souly, the bright golden lighting flash on the pink and aqua background was so groovy." responded Nuln. "But you know what I liked best? It was all them pockets. Forty-nine of 'em. I could store all my precious items, and there was this special place for my liverwurst, right next to the Nut Sack. Know what I mean?" "Sure 'nuff, Nuln." replied Soultaker. "I miss my FONZ-Suit so much. We gotta get 'em, back or...." Wham, bam! The door flew open and in marched Pip. He was holding some dirty, crumpled, pink and aqua smelly clothing as far as he could from his body. He flung them onto Souly's bed. "You owe me." he said. "I won 'em off two striped skunks in a poker game early this morning. I think they were two Death Stud recruits for The FONZ. They kept saying FONZ this and FONZ that. But they couldn't play Holdem for shinola." Both Nuln and Soultaker were hugging and kissing Pip before he could react. (It's a FONZ thing.) They settled on a rather large amount for the reward. Outside as Pip headed up the street, he stopped and slipped The Crazy Creeps Scribe half the winnings. "It worked perfectly." he said. "Easy money. Let's do it again some time." + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For? Dr. Zook's diagnosis chilled Mannequin to the bone. Had he really lost his 'Killjo'? There had to be something he could do to regain it. Medicine, excercises, sorcery...something! People couldn't just "lose" something that came naturally to them, could they? "What am I going to do?" he asked. "I can't go through life feeling like this! I feel like I'm trapped in someone else's body." Dr. Zook held up his hands, palms forward, trying to calm Mannequin down. "There, there, there, hold on now. It's not the end of the world. You're going to feel uncomfortable until your body adjusts to your lack of 'Killjo'", he said. "How long am I going to be like this? Is it permanent?" Mannequin asked. "I don't know; it may or may not be permanent. There is really no way to know. It all depends on the individual," the doctor replied. "I don't understand how someone can lose something that is a part of them," said Mannequin, "It just doesn't seem possible." "Ahh, but it is. People are born with natural gifts all the time. Some are more useful than others; some are never identified or utilized and go to waste. The point is, it's not unusual for them to fade over time. It's as though people outgrow them," said Dr. Zook. "I guess that makes sense," said Mannequin. "So, do you have any ideas on what I can do to regain my "gift"? he asked. Dr. Zook started scribbling on his prescription pad. "I'm in a bit of a bind on this one. You know, as a doctor I am sworn to some silly oath that says I have to do everything I can to tend and heal the sick. That includes you. However, helping you regain your particular gift is in direct opposition of my oath since it's likely to result in untold numbers of deaths and injuries. Soooo, I'll just scribble some suggestions here on my note pad and we'll call it good. If it works, it works. If not...well, you'll have to figure things out for yourself. Mannequin thanked Dr. Zook for his time and left the office. He found a bench to sit on in a nearby park and read the doctor's note: 1. Volunteer your time -- homeless shelters, schools, community centers, etc.. Perform selfless acts of good will and remember it's about the needs of others rather than your own needs. 2. See #1 'What the heck was this drivel?' thought Mannequin. The doctor must have been sampling the wares to come up with an idea like this. Maybe the doctor took his oath more seriously than he suggested? Mannequin sighed, stood up and began walking with new resolve towards his next destination. It took Mannequin a few days to get signed up and placed with the appropriate agencies. The hardest part was convincing the people running the organizations that he WASN"T applying for community service credit. Mannequin gathered the normal "volunteers" weren't the most upstanding members of the community. Whatever, he was there to do whatever he could if it meant getting his 'Killjo' back. Mannequin began his days in the mornings working as a crosswalk guard at a nearby school. Armed with a whistle, reflective vest and flags he ushered children back and forth accross a busy intersection. He took his job seriously and went above-and-beyond to insure the children's safety. The job wasn't without its hazards. Most of the children were little snobs; they teased him mercilessly over the way he was dressed, they way he performed his duties, and his inability to find a better job (little twits that they were, they didn't know he already HAD a real job). He returned in the afternoon to repeat the process as the children left school. He spent his lunchtimes working in a soup kitchen as a cook. It was hot, sweaty work but he felt he was making a difference serving those who were down on their luck. He made the best meals he could with the supplies on hand. Many of the soup kitchens patrons had evidently never experienced haute cuisine. They would say, "What is this *bleep*!", spit on the food or throw it away. Many refused even to feed it to their dogs. Even so, Mannequin told himself that he was there to serve his fellow man. Mannequin spent his mid-afternoons and evenings at the senior center as an activities coordinator. He enjoyed the time he spent playing bingo (even though he had to repeat the numbers over and over for the hearing impaired), leading excercise classes (though no one had the ability to do much more than bend over in their chairs) and making crafts (even though some startlingly realistic voodoo dolls that resembled him had appeared). He was busy, but life was good. This routine went on for weeks. In that time there was no sign of Mannequin's 'Killjo'--it was simply gone. He had had to make adjustments in his life that he had never expected to compensate for his loss. Even so, he did his best to follow through with the doctor's orders. A month went by without change before he decided to pay Dr. Zook a visit. He told the doctor that he was following his plans as directed and wasn't seeing any changes. He was frustrated and was having a harder and harder time dealing with the kids, bums and skin bags as the days went by. Dr. Zook smiled and nodded his head as he listened but had no further advice for Mannequin. He simply told him to keep trying. Dejected, Mannequin did as he was told and went back to work. One morning while performing his duties as a crossing guard one of the children snuck behind Mannequin and pants'd him as he held up traffic so that everyone could cross the street. The children and the townspeople in their carts and carriages laughed as he struggled to quickly pull his pants up. He was fuming mad but he remembered his promise to help others, even if they were ungrateful little brats. He maintained his composure and continued doing his job until the school bell rang to begin the day. There was no way for Mannequin to that a fateful series of events was beginning to unfold. He made his way to the soup kitchens to help prepare the noontime meal. One of his fellow cooks asked him to try the dessert he was preparing. Mannequin tried it and suggested that it needed more sugar. The cook agreed, but said he had used all the sugar that was available. Mannequin told him he thought there was an open bag on the back shelf. The cook, thinking nothing of it, grabbed the bag and deposited the contents into the desert mix. In doing so he failed to notice the "Danger! Rat Poison!" labels on the opposite side of the bag. Evidently the kitchen manager had been exterminating the rats and had forgotten to store the poison in a safe area. The patrons served lunch first were just starting to show signs of lethal poisoning as Mannequin left the soup kitchen. Mannequin's busy day led him to the community center. He was teaching the seniors how to make macaroni art by gluing the pasta on paper in interesting designs. Some of the more absent minded people were more interested in eating the dried macaroni rather than making art of it. Mannequin soon realized he needed to replenish his supplies. He went to the supply room and found the macaroni and paper he needed; he was unable to find glue of any kind. He decided to see if the maintenance office had anything that would work. He snooped around a bit before locating a can of adhesive. He brought it outside to the work area and filled all the empty glue bottles. He failed to notice the "Inhalation Poison" hazard label on the can that said to use only in a well ventilated area. He returned to the arts and crafts room and passed out the supplies. He had just demonstrated the project when he realized classes were about to end at the school and he needed to return to his perform his crosswalk duties. He excused himself and closed the door as he left. Mannequin made it to the school just in time. He had worked up quite a sweat rushing back to the school. Ignoring his thirst and the heat, he began helping the kids safely cross the street. As fate would have it, the same group of children who had pulled the prank on him that morning entered the crosswalk just as Mannequin spotted a wagon vendor selling snowcones. Eyes narrowing, he began focusing on the wagon. "Ooohh, that looks good," he said to himself. He left his post in the middle of the intersection and begain walking towards the wagon. Seconds later a speeding carriage went through his unoccupied spot in the intersection and barreled into the little brats who had pulled the prank on him that morning. Little bodies were thrown everywhere and the intersection was quickly thrown into chaos. Mannequin never even noticed it. He purchased a lime flavored snowcone and began to make his way home. As he walked a feeling of calm came over him. His vision seemed to regain its laser-like focus, his distractions faded away and the late afternoon crowds parted for him like a hot knife through butter. He could almost hear the strains of the song, 'Staying Alive' as he strutted his way back home... + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + ----- ----- ----- [Samwise the Bald ] ----- ----- ----- The trip back to Aradi was long and somewhat depressing for Samwise. Though he now had his clone of Patty, he also had the other clone to deal with. Bertha, as he named it, turned out to be completely female anatomically (thank goodness!), but had many of Samwise's physical and facial features (ugh!!). "She" also had the personality and memories of Patty, with just a little of Samwise mixed in. Luckily, his blood hadn't been of enough of a proportion to create a true mixture of he and Patty. If that had happened, who knew what the resulting horror would have been. Samwise also got news that in his absence, his Childhood Trauma stable had not fared well. A 2-3 turn and 1-4 turn had occurred in his absence. So much for Soultaker's theory about Mannequin's success at choosing Samwise's challenges! He was glad to be back in Aradi, even if he did have the burden of dealing with Bertha and recovering from a few bad TOGS turns. He arrived back in Aradi just after turn 8 and was busy preparing for turn 9 of the TOGS, as well as putting business in order at the Crotchety Crab. The first order of business was the secretly introduce Patty to her clone. Samwise would never have cloned Patty unless the original was at peace with the idea. The first few days back, Patty and spent briefing her clone about her very long customer list, particularly Soultaker, her number one customer. And, as Patty and Samwise had agreed, Patty informed the clone that fifty percent of her earnings were to be given to Samwise, something that had never happened with the "real" Patty. Samwise dealt with the problem of Bertha by assigning her to the kitchen. She was to be a dishwasher and cleaning staff member. Her duties would keep her in the back, and out of sight. Samwise did serve food, after all, and he did not want her visible to the clientele, lest they lose their appetite or worse, vomit in the common room of the Crotchety Crab. On the night before turn 9 of the TOGS, when managers submitted their challenges for the next day's turn and often went over last minute instruction with their warriors, Soultaker and Death Stud were in the Crotchety Crab having drinks and dinner. Patty had been "ill" for nearly a week and Soultaker was understandable ornery and distracted. He just hoped Patty would be out tonight. He'd gut anyone that tried to get between he and his ladylove. Death Stud was seated, as usual, with Soultaker. On this particular night, he was sitting on a chair designed to hold a child. Even then, there were several local business directories in the chair, helping the Stud to sit with his elbow just below table height. As the two TOGS managers were finishing their meal, Soultaker was again complaining to Death Stud about his lack of "quality Patty time," as we called it. As he was doing so, he caught sight of Patty (the clone), coming down the stairs. Immediately, he leapt from his chair, causing the table to rock, which, in turn, sent Death Stud flying from his high chair. Soultaker leapt up the stairs two at a time, forgetting about his partner and leading Patty up the stairs to her room. Death Stud, for his part, landed on the floor between tables and had to do his best to avoid beings squashed by patrons as they made their way between tables. Many an ankle was punched in his mad scamper to the relative safety of the hallway leading to the kitchen. As Death Stud sat against the wall, looking much like a discarded child's doll, a member of the serving staff emerged from the kitchen, carrying a tray of food. As the doors parted, Death Stud looked in, catching sight of Bertha, sweaty, covered in food debris, bent over the sink, washing. His eyes immediately widened in wonder. His breath came more rapidly, and his chest heaved with excitement. He HAD to meet her! + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ***What Excuse This Turn?*** ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + by Rillion Rillion and The Greek Guy were in the tavern celebrating their stupenderific turn. "I knew we could do it! That will show that annoying Death Stud that we are have a chance to win this thing! I do not believe it was a coincidence that our winning turn happened on Turn 444, I mean look at that, two-thirds of the 'beast'! It was Destiny," exclaimed Rillion as he motioned to the tavern wench to bring another round. "Yeah, this turn was great! Even better then having another kid. Winning a turn of TOGS was totally worth missing the birth! I knew all I had to do was pester you over and over and over again and eventually you would get off your lazy behind and start pulling your weight. So what excuse are you planning on trying to use next turn for why you are going to be rushing at the last minute to get your stuff in?" asked The Greek Guy. Rillion laughed, "Oh, I have already lined up a good one, just trying to work out the details. I think it will involve getting some type of new job and how I am too busy to pay attention to my team in Aradi. What do you think? Will that pass muster?" "No. That is just stupid, but then I would expect that from you. Look if you got a new job you should have plenty of time after giving notice at the old one. Besides we need to focus here. It is obvious that the FONZites are trying to trick everyone into thinking that they aren't colluding. Clearly their apparent lack of collusion is a conspiracy! Look at last turns most avoided team, Childhood Trauma avoided Eloquant Knights. Now last TOGS that would have cost Samwise's team points, but FONZers changed the rules so that they could pretend to be avoiding each other so we would not think they were in league with each other. All their inter-alliance challenging is clearly an act. So no more slacking, we need to keep winning each turn," instructed TGG. "Fine. I will make sure that I rush something in before the deadline, probably while looking at a clock and obsessively counting lines as I try to finish cranking out another piece of drivel," shrugged Rillion as he reached for more to drink. "So how is the replacement you recruited for Tyvek? Is he going to be able to help us down the stretch and bring us our first TOGS title?" inquired The Greek Guy. "Hmmm...it is hard to say. He is one of those guys that could be decent and pick up a few wins based on match-ups or he could suck. Unfortunately there isn't enough time to be picky in the Dark Arena. We got get points and repeatedly churning through replacements doesn't earn any points. Unlike repeatedly writing bad spotlights, those at least earn points, if only barely!" + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + ----- ----- ----- Soultaker ----- ----- ----- Soultaker awoke to a very bright light shining in his eyes. His vision was all blurry and he hurt all over his body. Try as he would, Soultaker was unable to move his aching body. Through blurred eyes, Soultaker tried to figure out where he was and what was wrong with him. He tried to call out but his voice was refused to come forth. The room was all white, or at least that was what it looked like with the bright light glaring in his eyes. Soultaker was starting to worry and had to force himself not to panic. Slowing he tried wiggling his toes and fingers. A sigh of relief escaped as he felt sure that they were working. "I'm not paralyzed," Soultaker thought to himself. "Doctor, I think he is awake now," Soultaker heard a soft voice call out. Within seconds there were numerous blurred faces staring down at him. "Where am I, Soultaker managed to croak out. "I want you to try and relax and stay calm," a voice seemed to echo to him from miles away. "Don't try and move, you are restrained to the bed to keep you from further injuring yourself. "I feel like I have been run over by a herd of Farmer boB's cows. What am I doing here," Soultaker asked with a rising panic in his voice. "Sir it seems as though you were mugged and left for dead. I know there is a town constable waiting outside to ask you some questions when you feel you are up to it," this time Soultaker was able to put the voice to a face as his vision started to clear. At the mention of the word mugged, Soultaker started having flash backs of what had happened to him. "Doctor, Doctor, wait," Soultaker cried out in sheer panic. "I had my best friend with me. Please tell me he is ok." "Ah you must mean the little dwarf they brought in with you. He is going to be ok, but he is in surgery right now," the doctor explained as he laid a hand on Soultaker's shoulder to calm him. "Surgery, my gods what does he need surgery for," Soultaker demanded. "Well it is a little delicate. It seems the same ones that mugged you also beat up your little friend as well. He has most of the same cuts and bruises and you both have deep wounds in your back, but for some reason the muggers decided to, ahhh, let me see how should I put it, imbed a fancy short-sword up his posterior region," again the doctor tried to comfort Soultaker. "I hate to interrupt, but if you are able I have a few hundred questions or so for you," Soultaker recognized the face of Officer Rick Lacey. "Listen Rick, this would be a lot easier if you can get them to let me up," Soultaker pleaded. "Sorry, no can do my friend. They said the stab wounds in your back are really pretty deep and you need to stay still for a day or two. So why don't I pull up a chair and we can get your statement. I will try to get Death Stud's after surgery," Rick flopped himself down on the chair. "I can try but it is all hazy and coming back to me in bits and pieces," Soultaker offered. "Well let's start with the beginning of the night. Where were you two at last night," Rick asked. "We started out the night meeting up with a bunch of the fellow managers at the Azure Cyclops Inn. We were kind of celebrating our success in the recent TOGS competition. We were all slamming down fermented scrod shooters and talking about what everyone thought we should rename the arena. It seemed like every time we finished a drink someone was giving us another," Soultaker paused to get a breath. "Can you remember any of the managers that were there," Rick asked. "Let's see. I know Hombre was there he brought us at least three drinks. Nuln and Snotman were there for sure. Samwise was there but he was sitting at a back table the whole time. I remember him there because most all of the managers would keep going back to his table and get money from him. I remember Street Legal and Pip was at that table also. Creepster and Slugbait was at the end of the bar throwing down handfuls of pills and chasing them with frozen scrod coolers. I'm pretty sure Anti was there. In fact I know he was because he was trying to sell a bunch of dirty pictures to Elephant. Greek Guy and Rillion was there. There were a dozen or so locals in there. It is hard to remember. I know Rillion and Greek Guy kept clapping us on the back and telling us how great we are. All the while talking about how easy it is to cough up a 0-10 turn on the double multiplier rounds. Mannequin kept talking about how unfair it was that everyone avoids him. I remember that because I thought it so funny since, the whole time he is talking, he is dragging a shapening stone across the edge of his dagger. Wait, I am sure that Swinetiger, General Ironcide and Haunt was there also. They were off to the far side throwing daggers at a silhouette hanging on the wall. I also remember Swinetiger laugh and say it would be a lot more fun "doing a little dwarf throwing". In fact I remember a number of weird comments now that I think back. I overheard Greek Guy say something about "I show the little jerk all about Greek". I know I heard Samwise ask Mannequin to put a sharp edge on one of his blades "it needs to sink deep" was all I heard. Damn it all runs together. We drank so much and everyone was so friendly. Even the FONZ seemed to be all "way to go" and "you guys are just too damn good". Hell I don't remember the FONZ being as tight since the old clamato days. Oh yeah, I know that when Death Stud and I finally fell over for the tenth or twenth time it was time to go, and Master Darque suggested that we take the path past the old pond since there had been some pick-pocketing on the main streets. Doesn't make sense now but last night we thought he knew best," Soultaker stopped and asked if he might get a sip of water. The whole time Soultaker had been talking Officer Lacey had been writing it on a pad of paper. After the nurse had slowing allow some water to slip past Soultaker's smashed lips, Rick asked if he was ready to continue. "Ok we have all of the people you can remember. Do you remember any of the beating," Rick asked. "It seems just bits and pieces. We were just coming up to the stand of trees right off the path at the edge of the pond, when this huge group of shadows came rushing at us. The next thing I remember is a searing burning in my back and someone whispering in my ear "You will never tell the truth now". "Did you recognize any of them," Rick asked. "No, they were all wear Dwayne the Dog masks. I might not have seen the faces, but the one that first stabbed me in the back had breath that smelled of rotted eggs and garlic. I only know of one person that has breath like that, and that is Samwise. The next thing I remember is slowly going to my knees, and seeing this foul coward slam a dagger in Death Stud's back. Again I didn't need to see the face, the pink leg warmers were a dead give-away. It had to be Hombre. There was a second burning in my back as someone laughed in my ear "you won't be making fun of me anymore, DUDE." I know the voice sounded familiar, but there was no time to think as boots slammed into my body. I can still see four or five of them throwing Death Stud around like a sack of feed. Someone yelled out something like "Told you drarf tossing would be more fun. I felt my ribs cave in as a huge boot crashed into them again and again. Only one person wears huge boots like that, Nuln and his chaos boots. I was having a hard time seeing because my eyes were all tearing up, but it wasn't tears it was globs of mucus drip. I could feel myself losing consciousness, but still I could see most of them run over and start kicking Stud back and forth between them. Someone in the group kept screaming "yousreeesskee abba dabba doserie". Another would scream out Friday night score each time he kick the rolling midget. That same person reached down and took Stud's great short sword and waved it around before kneeling on the ground. I heard him say as I passed out, "Let me teach him the meaning of Greek". The next thing I remember is this damn blinding light in my eyes. I know after all the beating, it was great to see Rick standing there proudly. "Ok Soultaker, you get some rest. I will get a statement from Death Stud when he is able to talk. Is there anything I can get for you," Rick asked. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + --------------------- Snotman in the middle of the end -- Snotman -- NUTSAKZ -------- Snotman tossed back another shot of milk and slammed the glass down on the table to join 5 or 6 others that were scattered around the table. Nuln prompted him, "So there you were tearing back to the Temple of Khorne to confront Rob, your right hand zombie, with two zombie hookers in the back of your carriage..." "Right, so I had the stallions charging at full speed, the setting sun at my back highlighting the steam of stallions breath. Everything you could want in a revenge scenario. And then the Crazy Creepster's scribe stepped out in front of me, I think that she was trying to cross the street to bring the Creepster home and give him his meds." "So what did you do?" Nuln querried. "I ran her down, you don't think that I was going break up the drama to follow traffic laws!" Snotman answered hotly. Nuln looked shocked, or so Snotman guessed from the intake of breath, Nuln's chaos helm showed the same impassive steel that it always did. "What?" like you'd do any different Snotman snarled. Nuln began hesitantly, "Um, didn't you and her have a...thing last TOGS?" Snotman grunted, "yeah, but it ended badly. Hell it started badly too. It started with her trying to kill me and got worse from there. Anyways, so pulled up outside the Temple of Khorne and there was my army of zombie arrayed in front. Two guards were actually holding halbards crossed in front of the temple gates. Like they were the Swiss Guard or something." "So what did you do?" Nuln asked. "I'm a doctor of necromancy, I ordered them to get the hell out of the way because I needed to give Rob a butt kicking. They just laughed." "They weren't following orders?" Nuln asked. "Not in the slightest. Eventually the crowd parted and Rob came out with a big old smirk on his face. I asked him what the hell was up and he said that they don't take orders from me. I must admit that at this point I fell back on the 'I created you' routine. Then I looked up on the steps of the Temple of Khorne and there was Karen." "That kid?" Nuln supplied. "Yeah that kid. The spooky zombie kid that I made. Rob walked back up the stairs and knelt down in front of her and she put a hand on his head like he was a dog or something. Then she told me that I should leave, that the temple and the zombies were mine." "What did you do?" Nuln asked. "What could I do, she had a whole army of zombies at her back. I should have known something was wrong with her when she was just waiting for us to scoop her up. And now that I think about it, it was Rob who suggested it. And now she's some sort of zombie necromancer and I'm going to have to stay in an inn. Well, that's put me off my mood." Snotman tossed some eagles on the table and said, "Enjoy your evening Nuln." Then he walked out to his carriage and peeked in the passenger compartment where the mangled body of Crazy Creepster's scribe lay, blood pooling on the plush velvet "Soon my sweet, we will be together!" + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + fffff ooooo u u rrrrr k k bbbbb l ooooo w w w sssss f o o u u r r k k b b l o o w w w s fffff o o u u rrrrr k k bbbbb l o o w w w sssss f o o u u r r k k b b l o o w w w s f ooooo uuuuu r r k k bbbbb lllll ooooo wwwww sssss Nuln was in a foul mood. Sure he was in 2nd place in TOGS, and sure he wasn't in last place like someone named Manager, so it could be worse. But unfortunately team TWOPEAT had been on a ridiculously annoying tear from the get go, and the only time they had slipped up, Snotman and he had been unable to capitalize. It was frustration epidimified! It was enough to drive an undead Chaos Lord to rip open his own abdomen, pull out his liver, shove a spigot in, and pour the booze in directly. And then there was the matter of Goose the goose. Nuln wasn't sure what'd possessed him to entrust top-secret ops of the utmost importance to a drug addicted, wise- cracking goose, but he had, and he was sure he would pay the price for that trust, if not now then in the very near future. A full two weeks had passed and Nuln hadn't seen the beak or feather of his honking associate. Just as Nuln began drawing a hashed line around the area of his abdomen where he thought his liver should be with one manic eye (it's always more disturbing when just one's manic), the doorbell rang. With a sigh, Nuln sloughed off his chair and trudged lifelessly to the front door. To his surprise, he found Pip standing there, a paper bag in one hand, a fishing net in the other. As the two stared at each other silently with equal unimpressment, Nuln realized with some amusement that they were wearing basically the same outfit: beater, shorts, and shoes with no socks. Except that Pip's beater had seven more stains, and Nuln was also wearing his Chaos Helm (tm). "C'mon, let's go." Rasped Pip, then he took a deep swig from the bottle in the bag, passed it to Nuln, and walked off down the street. Nuln shrugged, and walked after him into the midday haze. It was the late afternoon in downtown Aradi, which meant managers were getting killed by the score on these streets left and right. It was a regular Cadavarpalooza, piles of mutilated TOGS manager corpses littered the sidewalks as the two walked by, mostly silent. Nuln knew where Pip was heading, or thought he did at least, and just enjoyed the sun, the booze, and the carnage, while trying to ignore the decaying body smell. The Chaos Helm (tm) helped a little. Pip didn't seem to mind, and stopped in front part of the corpse of General Ironcide. He had been quartered by his partner Haunt for no apparent reason, but his TOGS partner had been kind enough to leave an index card with a brief explanation of what he had done and why for tourists and the other curious types to read. Haunt, naturally, had been butchered later by the Greek Guy (who hadn't left an index card with explanation), after having a psychotic episode following a 1-4 turn combined with a new child caused him to just snap, grab a pair of ginsu knives out of a traveling salesman's hands, and carve the erstwhile manager up like a Thanksgiving turkey. His corpse lay two blocks up and one over. In any case, Pip stood there, looking down at the body. "Grab his necklace." Said Pip, standing there motionless. "You grabbeth it." Said Nuln taking a swig. "That's baddeth mojito, man." "Fine," grumbled Pip, reaching down and snatching the metal chain that had a shiny trinket hanging around it. "He's just gonna be back next turn anyway. I will so give it back to him, it's not even funny." Pip knew he would never give it back to General Ironcide, but he wondered as he put the chain in his pocket and kept walking, how Nuln managed to drink from the bottle when his Chaos Helm (tm) basically covered his entire face, just slits for his eyes and mouth. "We headingeth towards the dockseth?" Nuln asked, stepping over the body of Pauly, a pigeon pecking at his head for some food. "I need your help with sumthin." Said Pip, always the obliquely succinct sort. "You'll see." Nuln wasn't so sure of that, since he could always barely see anything from out of his Chaos Helm (tm). As the two made their way from downtown on to uptown, Anti came stumbling from the other direction. "I bought...a fruit...." Anti gasped as he slipped on his own blood, looking back at the two as the lurched by, "that Mannequin.... wanted....to buy." Pip stopped and looked over at Nuln and raised his eyebrows, nodding his head slowly, as if to say "Daaaaaaaaaamn!" "That Mannequin is one touchyeth guy." Nuln stated the obvious, stopping and watching Anti as well, it looking like the FONZ manager might make it to the infirmary....or die trying. To make a long story short, the two did indeed make it to the docks, got in Pip's boat (yeah I was thinking the same thing too: how does some troll who sits around all day either taking sniper shots at people from his roof or lying prone in front of his scrying pool while eating pizza and watching re-runs of the gameshow "Trolls in the Pantry" get to own a boat? The answer is I have no idea.) and headed out to sea. And it was a nice boat too. Nuln thought they were going to catch fish, but Pip kept sailing and eventually they hit a smaller island off the coast a ways. "Follow me." Said Pip, bringing the small boat on shore, and the two headed off into the brush. The two walked a ways past an indistinct grey-red landscape, spotted all about with dark brush. Eventually they came to a well hidden cave, and Pip came to a halt again. He brought a second bottle out of his pocket as Nuln had forgotten to pass the first bottle back in some time. "You ready?" he asked Nuln. The Chaos Lord shrugged impassively. "You can come out!!" Pip yelled, cupping his free hand to his mouth. "It's ok, it's just me and Nuln." A scurrying and rustling could be heard from out of view but inside the cave, and grew louder, as whatever it was came closer towards the entrance. "Poor guy's been holed up here all week. Thinks someone's trying to kill him 'r sumthing. Guess I can't blame him." Pip said, wiping his brow with the paper bag. Eventually Soultaker appeared at the mouth of the cave, a smile forming as he saw who it was. "I'm alive!" Rejoiced the better half of team TWOPEAT. "PRAISE THE LORD ALMIGHTY, I'M ALIVE!!!" "I guess I am too." Pip said, suddenly realizing the strangeness of it. "Uh, technicallyeth, I'meth not." Said Nuln, a lump of rotting zombie flesh falling with a audible 'plop' to the ground. "Touche." said the Pip and Soultaker at the same time. "C'mon." said Pip, motioning for the two to follow him as he again stalked off into the brush. "Let's go." As the three headed back to the boat, across town Goose the goose still stood with one webbed foot on top of his defeated foe. He and Swinetiger had agreed they would draw chalk lines around everyone's positions, and then meet again in two weeks time to begin again in the same places. The Greek Guy and Death Stud, unfortunately, had not agreed to this deal, and were no longer there. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" screamed Goose finally, reconfiguring his wings into a new, deadlier, and more fearsome pose after the timer had yelled "Go!" "Time!" yelled Swinetiger then, putting his hands together. "Can we do this again in two weeks? I have a manager I'm supposed to go kill, then I'm getting killed, then I'm getting buried, then I'm coming back and killing multiple people, more killing, kill kill kill, with some additional killing sprinkled in...so two weeks, ok?" The two sides again agreed to meet in another two weeks, leaving the readers pause, knowing that it was highly unlikely that two divergent plot lines would ever resolve satisfactorily in the next installment. It was a recipe for disaster, that was assuredly going to bake into a cake of unfilling disappointment. Stay tuned next turn, if you dare... + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Friday Night Lights ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + Part 10 The Greek Guy First off sorry about last turn's spotlight. With the new addition there was no time to do my story justice so I just did a generic one. So here is a quick recap of where we left off. Aradi had battled the Delarq team. During the fights Soultaker had his right arm cut off by The Muffin Man; he is a bloodthirsty killer, after all. The Aradi team was obviously upset by this and hatched a plan to get even. They went to see the Sentinel who had been kicked off the team earlier in the year. He agreed to rejoin to team and fight The Muffin Man when they met for round two of their battle. The Sentinel normally fought as a lunger but this time he would have to fight as a total parry. Now back to the story. Training was going well. The Sentinel, though short, really really short, was a very good fighter. His size was actually an advantage. As a lunger he was very good at hitting his opponents' legs and knocking them down. Once he had them down, few were ever able to get up again. He was in very good shape and had been known to stay active and attacking for well over five minutes straight. "So how you feeling for next week," The Greek Guy asked. "Oh, I'm ready. Soultaker is a friend of mine," The Sentinel replied. "Yea isn't he in your group/gang? What do you guys call yourselves again?" Tig Toad asked. "They call themselves Fonz." snickered Rillion. "We're not a gang." The Sentinel replied. "We are a lose association of friends who have common interests." Everyone else laughed. "Seriously, we are not a gang!" he yelled. "Whatever." TGG replied. "So what does that stand for anyone?" Zalgor asked as he approached. "I know, Fat Old Nerd Zealots." Rillion said. "No,it's Farmers Of Nice Zucchini." TGG said and smiled. With that The Sentinel walked off with a scowl. "Well it's really no worse than BOB I guess. Why did we come up with that name again?" TGG asked as they walked off. This week passed quickly. School was school. No one had much concentration these days as everyone was gearing up for the fights. The teachers realized this and homework was really kept to a minimum. We practiced hard every day. Practices were brutal as Phido was determined not to have a close victory this time. While it was bad enough on us, it was even worse on the Sentinel. He was under pressure from all as no one wanted to see him lose and most wanted him to return the favor to The Muffin Man. As the weekend came there was only one week left until the rematch. Most of us decided to go to the local tavern and have some fun. None of realized what awaited us that night at the tavern nor would we have cared if we did. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Eyes Have It ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + "Well good buddy we are in the home stretch and we need to pick it up," rumbled the Creepster. "Me know, me know," replied Slugbait. "I know you know but I'm still a little worried." "Me wipe dem gladiators into shape. Big workouts, no food, lots of math and book reports too." "Umm. One, I'm starting to see where you're going wrong and two you're not filling me with a lot of confidence. I can see starving your guys to motivate them but come on, math and book reports?" grumped the Creepster. "Me Mummy always said that big head best weapon you have in the arena. She say 'Use your head wisely,'" stated Slugbait defensively. "Look me show you how it works," said Slugbait as he grabbed a slim man in a black and white stripped shirt by the scruff of his neck. The Frenchman yelped with terror and screamed, "Let me go, let me go. You want crescent roll, baguette, anything?" Slugbait ignored the daggling man and quickly snapped his neck forward and gave the bread seller a wicked head butt. Slugbait then dropped the limp form to the ground and said, "See, Mummy always right. Math and book report good for big brain, big brain is good for big head and big head it good for arena." "Maybe so, maybe so but why don't we feed your guys and lay off the book learning for a bit." "Wait minute, why you not talk crazy, yell and holler?" "Oh, that's just an act for those dimwits at FONZ. They believe anything. Why don't we go over your warriors one by one." "Well first, I Eye, me like him. He say yes, yes, yes to everything and him good scum," answered Slugbait. "Trust me, he isn't no scum. I know scum and no scum is 2-6. Looking at that bum he is all fat, sloth and laziness. Really he reminds me of the FONZ. And what is good for the FONZ is good for this guy. Dark arena him." "Ok, but him not like it," replied Slugbait. "Just remind him that he has said 'Yes, yes' to everything else too," quipped the howling genius. "Next is Evil Aye. Him always talk back and look at me funny. Me like that in a warrior, " stated Slugbait. "Dark arena, Dark arena, Dark arena! You can't have warriors giving you any guff. No respect equals no effort. No effort equals no wins. No wins equals stinking it up in TOGS. Stinking it up in TOGS equals cranky Creepster. Dark arena, Dark arena, Dark arena!" "OK," said a sullen Slugbait. "We will talk about the rest of your duds next week. Maybe two Dark arenas will send a message to the rest of your slackers." + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Mother Superior Jump the Gun ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + By GenX Perfect Hits "Dude have you lost your mind?" "Hombre, take a chill pill." "You know there's a reason they call him Soultaker." "He had it coming. I asked him to lay off us and he refused. With that new mustache of his, I think they'll being calling him Yosemite Sam." "Regardless, you should've have reneged the deal." "It's wasn't my deal. Enough of this nonsense. Do you want to bring Manager back or not?" "Yes." "Get out a pen and paper. You're going shopping while I take Clyde back to Ma's." "OK ready." "One Ouija Board, a pair of nobnail boots, a lizard..." "What kind of lizard?" "Any kind doesn't matter. Five multicolored mirrors and The Beatles - White Album." "Anything else?" "Yes bring Ganolus, Nuln, and a manager of your choice. Cyberpunk will be there in my place for verbal and somatic purposes." "You told me your were gonna bring Manager back and now you're sending Cyberpunk in your place?" "Yes, his voice is better than mine and I'm gonna be stuck with Ma. Do you wanna take Clyde back and deal with Ma?" "Good point. Cyber will know what to do?" "Yes, get the items and meet him at the spot at 11:30 pm." Hombre leaves as Elephant and Clyde head to Ma's house. "That damn baboon of yours ate up all my Oreos!" "Ma we brought you some more. How are you feeling tonight?" "Don't ask how I'm feeling, you know how I'm feeling. Where's that no good son of mine?" "Ma he had to work." "Don't give me that Philo." "Really he did. But he wanted me to give this to you. He also made an appointment at DMV next week." Philo (Elephant) hands Ma a DMV study guide. "That was sweet of him but you know I have a hard time reading." "That's why I'm here Ma." Elephant whispers to himself "Hombre, Orville, whatever you're calling yourself, you'll pay for this." In an unknown room in an unknown location of Aradi we see a very bizarre happening getting ready to begin. In the room stands Cyberpunk, Hombre, Nuln, Ganolus and Indimar. There's a lizard in the window pane. Cyberpunk is wearing velvet gloves. Hombre has multicolored mirrors on his nobnail boots. In the center of the room is the briefcase and a Ouija Board with the recipe on it. Cyberpunk and Hombre drag Manager's mangled body to the center of the room. "Gentlemen, I think you all know why we are here. I'm going to need your silence and concentration for this to work. Here are the words I'll need you to repeat on my signal." Cyberpunk passes paper around to everyone. He takes out The Beatles - White Album and places it under the Ouija Board. "You do realize that a Ouija board is all about the ideomotor effect?" "Ganolus, I'm familiar with the ideomotor effect. You have to trust me on this. I need your silence and concentration. If you don't want to believe or question this, then I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. "I'm cool. I'll give it a try. "Do not try, do!" Cyberpunk lifts his hand and motions. Hombre, Nuln, Ganolus and Indimar all circle around the board and joins hands. Cyberpunk begins chanting in a very loud voice. "I'm coming down fast but I'm miles above you. Tell me tell me come on tell me the answer" He signals to the group. They chant: "Helter skelter, helter skelter, helter skelter " "I will you won't you want me to make you. I'm coming down fast but don't let me break you. Tell me tell me tell me the answer." "Helter skelter, helter skelter, helter skelter " Hombre dials "666" into the combo and opens the briefcase. A very bright glow shines from the case. The five men all join hands now. The begin circling and chanting. "Mother Superior jump the gun Mother Superior jump the gun Mother Superior jump the gun Mother Superior jump the gun Mother Superior jump the gun Mother Superior jump the gun" Suddenly the glowing light leaves the briefcase. There is a bright flash. The light goes into the back of Manager's head. His eyes open as he gasps for air. Finally his lungs fill out with air and he hear him say: "Happiness is a warm gun" "Bang Bang Shoot Shoot" chants the group in a high feminine sounding chorus. "Happiness is a warm gun, momma" "Bang Bang Shoot Shoot" Cyberpunk signals the group to stop. "Welcome back Manager." "Thanks, Cyberpunk. What happened? Did I just win a reality show?" "Fraid not." "Laverne killed you." says Hombre We see Cyberpunk motion to Hombre to stop talking. "Why would Laverne do that?" "Because Soultaker and Deathstud ordered it." "But if they did why are all you here? You're all FONZ." "Manager, you've heard of the FONZ Collusion. Well this is the collusion against the FONZ Collusion. You must return to the sands of Aradi and assist in the dismantling of Threepeat." "Wow. I like collusion almost as much as I love reality shows." "Well, if it's reality you want, how about Threepeat becomes Deadmeat?" Cyberpunk breaks out into a loud demonic laughter while everyone else in the rooms stares at one another shocked and confused. Stay tuned next week for "Threemeat Deadpeat" Lyrics used from the Beatles, Helter Skelter and Happiness Is A Warm Gun + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + ----- ----- ----- Death Stud ----- ----- ----- <the scene at the Azure Cyclops Inn before last turn> Death Stud and Soultaker were at the Azure Cyclops Inn celebrating their good fortune for having another good turn in the Tournament of the Golden Scrod. They were on a very good roll so far and decided to toast their success over a couple of pints. However, not everyone was as happy as Death Stud and Soultaker were about the luck they were having so far. They'd been at Aradi's famous watering hole for a couple hours now and as they got deeper into the bottle, they'd become a bit louder and less discrete than they ought to have been in their celebration. Celebrating arena successes at the pub was a time-honored tradition all across Alastari, but there's a fine line that is best not to cross. It had been OK, even if met with some slight grumbling, as the dynamic duo had met in anticipation of the upcoming turn to toast their successes. Clinking glasses and congratulating themselves had caused a couple people to move down the bar away from them and a couple of patrons at booths to harrumph to themselves, but that was no different than any night at the bar when somebody or another rubs someone the wrong way. But then, after a couple of drinks each for Stubby and Tubby, it started to go downhill from there. First, Soultaker had gotten it in his head that anyone in the bar who had lost to his warriors ought to buy him a beer and he'd gone table to table to try to get a tally and see if he could con anyone into it. As you might imagine, that exercise had not met with a much success or pleasantness from the other patrons. Later in the night, Death Stud had turned the tables around and offered to buy a round for "all the losers" and motioned in a sweeping gesture to everyone in the bar. As you might image, that had gone over well. (Although it should be noted that nearly everyone in the Cyclops drank their free beer on Death Stud's tab with minimal complaint.) During the night, a large group of managers had collected and pulled some tables together in the far corner of the pub. They were engrossed in some deep conversations, occasionally peering and glaring towards the oblivious Stud/Taker teammates before returning to their conversation. This group included many managers from the top TOGS teams like Nuln and Snotman, Hombre and Elephant, as well as Samwise and Mannequin. Rounding out the complete roster of the top TOGS teams, Rillion and Greek Guy were also there along with Slugbait and Creepster (who, by the way, was looking sharp sporting a fancy new drool-bib). There were also some other managers like Pip the Troll, SwineTiger, and Street Legal as well. As the night wore on, Death Stud and Soultaker had polled everyone at the bar about what they thought the arena should be renamed to when the two of them won TOGS. (By a wide margin, the consensus name was apparently "gofragyourself". Never heard of that name before, must be an Adantri word.) The two of them also made a couple circuits around the bar chanting "Threepeat!" while doing a two-person congo line and trying to engage the rest of the bar in the party. In something that is sure to catch on all around Aradi, Death Stud and Soultaker came up with a creative twist on a known drinking exercise, coining it "The Threepeat." For this drink one prepares a shot of fine Tricoran tequila, a slice of lime, and a saltshaker. First the person wets the side of their hand and shakes some salt on it, then yells "Onepeat" and licks the salt from their hand, then yells "Twopeat" and throws back the tequila, lastly a loud "THREEPEAT" then sucking the juice from the lime. Ah, rest assured there were several rounds of this between Soultaker and Death Stud at the bar, even if they were unable to gain much interest in the new drink from around the bar. Several fights had nearly broken out at The Cyclops as Death Stud and Soultaker prepared to leave after the two of them invited all the women in the place to their TOGS victory celebration in a few weeks and more than a few angry patrons had to be restrained by the more level-headed amongst them. The two friends were too schnocked to notice a large group of managers exiting the bar behind them and milling around outside until Team Threepeat was a couple blocks down, then following at a distance once the two rounded a corner. Upon leaving the Azure Cyclops Inn, the two soused managers meandered through the streets of Aradi towards their guildhouses, swaying as they walked and still singing self-praising songs to themselves. A few blocks from The Cyclops, the pair rounded a corner onto a darkened sidestreet and walked straight into the group that had followed them from the bar. The two barely had time to blink their heavy-lidded eyes trying to sort out what was happening before the blows started raining down on them from all directions. There was cursing and yelling as the two manager were beaten by the crowd. Death Stud and Soultaker were quickly taken to the ground where the circle of assailants wailed upon them. Death Stud heard just random words as he tried to fend off the attacks. Words like "cocky" and "get what you deserve" and "how does that feel?" While two of the managers were kicking his ribs until they cracked, they kept repeating over and over, "Threepeat this, w!+@hes." As the blows fell, the poor Stud and Soultaker caught glimpses of faces and some of them were familiar. Pip was there, and Nuln. Samwise did some heel-stomping as well and Soultaker saw even Street Legal leap out of the shadows to land an open-handed slap. As the beatings reached a crescendo and Death Stud began to slip from consciousness, he grabbed the leg-warmered leg in front of him and looked up through the blood clouding his vision at a familiar face. Before he succumbed to unconsciousness, all Death Stud could say was, "Et tu, Hombre?" and that was the last thing he remembered. DUELMASTER'S COLUMN Notes from the arena champ. Greetings, Aradi. Wow, I didn't know if I'd ever get the chance to write one of these. You see, I'm not really what you'd call a "pretty" warrior. In fact, Samwise says that if I graduate, I'll be the ugliest warrior he's graduated since his early days in this game. I'm not sure if that's a compliment or insult, but it is what it is. I was quite shocked to fight Tyvek last turn. For some reason, I had it in my head that Spiritwalker would probably TV him and so I made alternate plans. But no one accepted my invitations to duel, so we got paired and I was lucky enough to win. I'm particularly excited, given the stats that Rillion posted. Wow, you're a LOT prettier than me, Tyvek. Good luck in ADM. Be sure to write and tell me what it's like. I'm sure I'll be allowed to retire if I get the call to the Isle. Lastly, I'm sure you're all curious to know where my name comes from. Well, contrary to speculation, it has nothing to do with the very unfortunate events of September 11, 2001. Samwise would never seek to make light of such a tragedy. In fact, my name was inspired by events that occured nearly 25 years before, when a young Samwise made a 911 call when he was supposed to be napping. I'm not clear on the exact details, but apparently, the adults in the home were sleeping, there was some mention of a bank robbery, a uniformed police officer arrived at the home to be greeting by the senior Samwise in underwear, and a mounting of the telephone at a much HIGHER resting place and a severe butt whooping followed. <grin> Your Duelmaster, 911 SPY REPORT Oh, hi. Its just little 'ol Debby Tonte. Thought I'd check out COLLUSION COVE to see what's new. Like, CHILDHOOD TRAUMA had to be so embarrassed when they got kicked off #1 spot by GENX PERFECT HITS! Way to go GENX PERFECT HITS! HIT ME WITH... had like a really albendranius week! Those hunks got a 3-2-1 and wound up as 3rd team! I couldn't believe it. Did DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 really go up by 11? If only those guys didn't have so may missing teeth... Gross! See if I even talk to any of those losers in CRAZY CREEPS again! Didja see where they got 1-4-1? Somebody musta won a lotta fights! Cut this out and put it in your scrapbooks, WILD CARDS! 'Cause they got 5-0-0 and moved up to 8th! I just can't say enough good things about JGW PERISABLE!. They went 3-1-0 their first time, don't slouch, and they've got good oral hygiene! MVP award for VENGRAZ? DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2's proud of it after beating BUSTED NUTS and getting 25 points. Talk about yer big time losers! BUSTED NUTS got smashed by VENGRAZ, and lost 22 points! ODALISQUE thinks hers 12-3-2 and studly character is good enough to face up to the Duelmaster. Any bets? Was that a tear I saw in ODALISQUE's eye, as she took over Duelmastership? And wasn't 911 fit to be tied! I hear the top team insists all their warriors get nine hours sleep. They want photogenic fighters for PR photos. So just why would someone becomes a warrior anyway? It can't be for these really neat Spyreports can it? ELOQUENT KNIGHTS was the most avoided team. Is a 156-104-8 record really that scary? I don't know what CHILDHOOD TRAUMA's been doing. They certainly haven't been accepting many fights from ELOQUENT KNIGHTS, that's fer sher. Like, is WARM PIRATE popular, or what? He was challenged the most in all of COLLUSION COVE! He's got a 11-6-0, is that good? Some fights are really unfair. How do you think ZOMBIELUST feels about being challenged by VENREK, 32 points above him? VENREK beat ZOMBIELUST. No surprise about that. Really I'm not surprised VENREK would do such a scummy thing, either. STAR must not be a good enough fighter to get in fair fights. She challenged FEZ. 9 is a big difference. (Well, that's what they tell me.) I thought STAR showed great skill and promise when she beat FEZ. All right, so I slept through it! Big deal! What does a fighter fight for? I mean, the crowds don't give a hoot if someone gets killed. Not after four more fights. What a bunch of heartless! I couldn't believe how many people were snickering when MRS. ROBINSON killed GILMMAO. So he had a 3-7-0, that's no excuse! What a bummer! ICE CREAM SOLDIER got wasted by GALILEO! But with a 1-10-0, I guess NO HAMMER HAMMERZ aren't too bummed. It was kind of sad, seeing old EDIE stumbling around the arena, before SHMEGMA finished her off. Oh well! THE EYES HAVE IT figured it was better to let PLUM kill PRIVATE EYE unpunished, and not worry about getting nailed again! What if they had a fight and nobody showed up? I'd be out of a job, that's what!!! Remember, blood on a purple robe may stain. Soak it in cold water, and hand wash. I know how much you like reading this stuff, but I really should stop. Its been really albendranius! Later, guys-- Debby Tonte DUELMASTER W L K POINTS TEAM NAME ODALISQUE 8121 12 3 2 109 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME SPIRITWALKER 8431 11 3 0 125 DREAMTIME (633) GAZREK 7858 13 8 0 110 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) VENREK 7477 22 7 0 107 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) I OWN INDIMAR 8084 12 9 0 104 4000 BLOWS (107) BOY GEORGE 8378 10 6 0 91 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME HOWLER XIII 8302 11 3 2 90 DEATH STUDS VII (301) STITCHES 8245 9 9 1 90 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) PLUM 8094 9 6 2 89 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) 911 7936 15 13 0 88 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) PEACH FUZZ 8095 11 8 1 85 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) -T MARIE 8522 5 4 1 84 MY PRESENT (637) FLICKED BOOGERS 6989 18 20 0 82 HIT ME WITH... (503) ZOMBIELUST 8181 10 5 0 82 4000 BLOWS (107) VENGRAZ 8018 9 3 0 82 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) DAY BY DAY 8338 9 3 1 81 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083 15 13 1 75 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) B.C. GOLD 7787 12 10 0 75 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME WILD YOUTH 8296 8 3 0 74 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) DEAD ALIVE 8503 7 3 0 72 WILD CARDS (148) EQUIPOLLENT 8492 8 4 1 71 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) HAWAIIAN KONA 7853 9 9 0 68 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) VENGANZA 8408 10 7 0 67 PASTAFARIANS (630) CHALLENGER ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME TWIG 8096 9 8 1 65 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) BUSTED NUTS 7134 13 18 1 62 HIT ME WITH... (503) RESPECT THE PACKAGE 7832 13 11 0 61 WILD CARDS (148) -DOUBLE D 8523 6 3 2 61 MY PRESENT (637) GHNSGFI 8526 6 5 0 61 CLNGE (638) GUNPOWDER 8449 8 2 0 59 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) ACIDULOUS 8384 9 3 0 58 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) NYSTERIOUS WAYS 8464 10 4 0 57 PASTAFARIANS (630) RYEHARD 8339 9 10 1 57 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME SETH DRAVEN 8231 7 8 1 56 TPW FOREVER (619) DARIUS 8552 7 3 0 55 LUROCIANS T308 (636) -MAITRE BOULANGER 8350 6 3 0 55 LA BOULANGE (626) BEAST XVII 8303 8 9 0 54 DEATH STUDS VII (301) WARM PIRATE 8407 11 6 0 53 PASTAFARIANS (630) ZOMBI 2 8571 5 2 0 53 WILD CARDS (148) WEKA DART 7979 11 12 1 52 WING HOVE (529) CHONDROMALACIA 8432 7 9 0 52 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) WILD FLOWER 8443 8 7 0 51 DREAMTIME (633) -LE FOURNER 8354 5 6 0 51 LA BOULANGE (626) SCORN BREAD 8343 10 10 0 50 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) SHRIVELLED PRUNE 8177 6 9 1 50 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) READY, STEADY, GO 8249 5 6 1 50 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) THE AFRICAN QUEEN 8473 5 6 0 50 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) SHAMIKA 8513 8 3 0 49 LUROCIANS T308 (636) HARD CIDER 7981 7 5 1 48 WILD CARDS (148) KING ROCKER 8246 4 7 0 48 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) STAR 8427 9 6 0 47 DREAMTIME (633) NIAGARA FALLS 8533 7 4 0 46 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) MASTER EXPLODER 8500 6 4 0 45 4000 BLOWS (107) DOPEY 8566 3 2 0 45 CRAZY CREEPS (207) MONKEY PAW 7854 9 8 1 44 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 100 PUNKS 8491 6 6 0 43 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) NAAN VIOLENT 8433 7 4 0 42 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) SOCRATES 8547 7 3 0 42 GRECO-ROMAN (639) NOODLY APPENDIX 8404 8 9 0 41 PASTAFARIANS (630) SISTER MOON 8489 5 6 0 41 DREAMTIME (633) PLATO 8550 7 3 0 40 GRECO-ROMAN (639) SUGAR 8534 6 5 0 40 PURE EVIL (629) IJEOOGI 8528 5 5 0 40 CLNGE (638) JAYSON DAYDE 8545 6 4 1 39 TPW FOREVER (619) -L'APPRENTI 8351 6 5 0 39 LA BOULANGE (626) GALILEO 8548 6 4 1 37 GRECO-ROMAN (639) FEZ 7878 5 9 0 36 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) CRUCIFIED 8447 5 5 0 36 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) BIOZOMBIE 8607 2 0 0 35 WILD CARDS (148) SENTINEL 8543 8 1 0 34 CRAZY CREEPS (207) CHALLENGER INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME SCARLET ABATTOIR 8474 6 5 0 33 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) SHMEGMA 8502 5 5 1 33 HIT ME WITH... (503) -TIFFERS 8520 4 4 0 33 MY PRESENT (637) ARISTOTLE 8551 5 5 0 32 GRECO-ROMAN (639) MCSCROD 8481 3 8 1 32 4000 BLOWS (107) SARDASIA 8512 3 7 0 32 LUROCIANS T308 (636) CHALLENGER INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME IICERGS 8524 4 6 0 31 CLNGE (638) AGMOUR 8568 4 3 0 31 4000 BLOWS (107) SHA'LONDA 8532 4 5 0 30 LUROCIANS T308 (636) -LEATHAM 8519 2 5 0 30 MY PRESENT (637) HARUSPEX 8559 6 3 0 29 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) BLACK DEATH 8446 3 7 0 29 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) JOKER 8575 3 3 0 29 PURE EVIL (629) -DGA 8562 2 5 0 29 MY PRESENT (637) BLUE ICE 8578 3 3 0 28 HIT ME WITH... (503) THE EX 8436 5 11 1 27 PURE EVIL (629) GLITTERDOOM 8585 2 1 0 27 DRAGON FLIGHT (640) ASP VI 8579 3 2 0 25 DEATH STUDS VII (301) BREMEN 8570 5 2 0 24 WING HOVE (529) INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME SEL DUMB 8487 3 0 0 23 FUNKY FOLK (565) I IN THE SKY 8588 2 1 0 23 THE EYES HAVE IT (632) DESEARTES 8560 5 3 0 22 GRECO-ROMAN (639) -TAKE ANOTHER SHOT 8558 4 3 0 22 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) JOHNNY 8511 4 6 0 22 LUROCIANS T308 (636) TONTO 8580 3 2 0 21 CRAZY CREEPS (207) MRS. ROBINSON 8573 2 4 2 21 CRAZY CREEPS (207) ONLYFORTOGS 8601 2 0 0 21 TPW FOREVER (619) -MERGANDEVIN 8582 1 1 0 21 DRAGON FLIGHT (640) TEMPE FACER SCROD 8506 4 7 1 20 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) SQUEEZE THE LEMONS 8569 4 3 0 20 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) WRECKING CROUTON 8600 2 0 0 20 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) MISS PIGGY 8544 4 6 1 19 CRAZY CREEPS (207) MANHATTAN PROJECT 8450 4 6 1 19 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) CROP CIRCLE 8577 3 3 0 19 PASTAFARIANS (630) TOGS CHOKER 8561 3 5 0 18 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) -TOWER 7892 2 0 0 16 LATHE OF HEAVEN (603) BCS 8609 1 0 0 16 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) FLIMSY 8604 1 0 0 16 JGW PERISABLE! (641) BRITTLE 8605 1 0 0 15 JGW PERISABLE! (641) POLITICIAN 8586 4 1 0 13 PURE EVIL (629) STINK I 8572 2 3 0 13 THE EYES HAVE IT (632) -ANGALANDER 8581 1 0 0 13 DRAGON FLIGHT (640) DAN GLING 8554 1 1 0 13 FUNKY FOLK (565) SPAM 8587 3 2 1 12 PURE EVIL (629) BREAKABLE 8606 1 0 0 11 JGW PERISABLE! (641) EYE SPY 8596 2 2 1 9 THE EYES HAVE IT (632) MGGIOJI 8591 2 2 0 8 CLNGE (638) -SOLIDUS 7895 1 0 0 8 LATHE OF HEAVEN (603) VIC TOREE 8598 1 2 0 7 FUNKY FOLK (565) -ICING DEATH 8584 0 1 0 7 DRAGON FLIGHT (640) ROAD TRIP 8611 1 0 0 6 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) -HEPHAESTUS 8583 0 2 0 6 DRAGON FLIGHT (640) LOVITA 7891 1 2 0 5 LATHE OF HEAVEN (603) -GETHSEMANE 7894 1 1 0 5 LATHE OF HEAVEN (603) WHITE WOLF IX 8593 0 4 0 4 DEATH STUDS VII (301) JIMMY PITT 8595 0 4 0 4 TPW FOREVER (619) -SAND 7893 0 2 0 3 LATHE OF HEAVEN (603) TOGS DIXIE2 8610 0 1 0 1 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) '-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn. THE DEAD W L K TEAM NAME SLAIN BY TURN Revenge? GILMMAO 8525 3 7 0 CLNGE 638 MRS. ROBINSON 8573 445 ILLUMINATI 8599 0 2 0 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP 634 SPAM 8587 444 EDIE 8429 5 10 0 DREAMTIME 633 SHMEGMA 8502 445 REAL SOUR DOUGH 8608 0 1 0 HOUSE OF GRAIN 625 SEA MONSTER 445 NONE THE BUNISHER 8341 10 3 1 HOUSE OF GRAIN 625 T MARIE 8522 443 THE DEAD W L K TEAM NAME SLAIN BY TURN Revenge? FEEBLE 8603 0 1 0 JGW PERISABLE! 641 ARENAMASTER HARK 445 NONE DOUBLE CHOCOLAIN 8461 4 5 0 LA BOULANGE 626 READY, STEADY, G 8249 443 ICE CREAM SOLDIE 8471 1 10 0 NO HAMMER HAMMER 635 GALILEO 8548 445 EVIL AYE 8498 4 6 0 THE EYES HAVE IT 632 FIRST TOGS CHAMP 445 NONE I EYE 8508 2 8 0 THE EYES HAVE IT 632 ARNIE SHEW 445 NONE PRIVATE EYE 8425 7 3 0 THE EYES HAVE IT 632 PLUM 8094 441 NOT REVENGED PAR 8297 8 5 1 WING HOVE 529 STITCHES 8245 442 PERSONAL ADS You were right, RSG! A Maitre should have gone your way...but I'm stepping out and Maitre has 20 FEs, so I just wanted to try once with L'Apprenti...you may go on, good luck, the bakery is closed. -- Le Pentarque FONZ = Foolish Oboes Noodling Zambonis Freaks Of Nominal Zealotry The Crazy Creeps Scribe Tidbits from the International Award Winning Aradi Free Press: Death Stud "starred" in The Wizard Of Scrod. Thursday oh crap TOGS is due. Every which way but loose. Nuln could clearly hear the sound of music. The end of The Creepster, the end of me. Starting center for the losing Freeblade Lakers is... Samwise will miss Hammer. FONZ can suck a golf ball through a garden hose. Editor, IAWAFP And the composition awards from The International Award-Winning Aradi Free Press are: Gold Crown (best) Entertainment (Anti) Silver Scarf (next best) Realityworld (Soultaker) Bronze Pasties Near The End (Snotman) Tin Cup (not so best) Bakery Closing (Le Pentarque) Wear your prizes with pride and joy. Editor, IAWAFP Congrats to My Present with a 63 point gain! Wowser! -- All us envious Crazy Creeps A BIG congrats to the obviously better team--The Boston Celtics. -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe Pip -- Anti-FONZ humor? We were merely speaking the truths, man. -- The Crazy Creeps (Consortium affiliate) Ijeoogi -- With a name like that, you should be small and leading the FONZ. And losing. -- Sentinel Sardasia -- Me in heap trouble. You use gun. -- Tonto Star -- Really? Star? Oh, you saw stars when I whacked you good. I see. -- Dopey Wild Flower -- You may be pretty, but you sure are a real jerk! You must be FONZ? -- Miss Piggy Illuminati -- I like it better with the lights out. -- Mrs Robinson Busted Nuts -- I (my name) (your name) real good, didn't I? -- Plum Wild Youth -- One day you, too, will be an old timer like me. That is, if you live long enough. -- Shrivelled Prune Stink I -- Oh, so close.... -- Squeeze My Lemons Odalisque -- Blah. -- Twig 100 Punks -- 100? I only saw one little punk. -- Peach Fuzz Nuln -- Please don't tell anyone I have the arena's top basher. News like that gets out and I'll end up on some "Basher's Only" arena mailing list. -- Mannequin P.S. Anyone who loses to him should be ashamed of themselves. ESPECIALLY if their name is Soultaker. Studs -- My ability to bloodfeud is equal to your ability to give up your addiction to 4 inch high heels and lipstick. -- Slugbait Death Stud -- I thought that was just between us! I'm not feeling so very special now! -- Samwise Death Stud -- What was that you said about challenges, little one? -- a smirking Samwise Snotman -- I'm quite disappointed not to have warranted a response from you regarding the recent headline in the Aradi Enquirer. -- Rufus, editor-in-chief Death Stud and Soultaker -- So sorry about your misfortune last turn! -- Samwise Headlines from today's Aradi Enquirer: "The Crazy Creepster: bed-wetter, or just a sweaty sleeper?" by Pearl Collard "Soultaker forms a new support group: Patty's Anonymous," by Boo Chalky "An Exclusive interview with Death Stud: Little People have Little...FEET," by Garrett Toobe. THREEPEAT -- About damn time you had a poor turn. Thank you everyone who decided to put a lickin' on them -- Snotman Weeka Dart -- Whewsh! That was closer than I like -- Dead Alive General Ironcide -- Most of my best turns have come on maintenance, I highly recommend it. -- Rillion Wow, two turns in a row of me actually getting my act together and submitting everything. -- Rillion, counting his spotlight chicken hatched before he bothers to write it.... Death Slob -- Okay, I guess it does work out okay sometimes when I try. Imagine TGG and I actually winning a turn, that's unpossible! -- Rillion Flagg -- So it's Thursday night, and I'm watching the results show for "So You Think You Can Dance" and I'm thinking that I'm forgetting something...yep I never did any p-ads or a spot. SIGH. Yeah I'm a real rocket surgeon. >:P -- Anti Death Stud -- Yeah yeah yackity smackity. -- Anti Nuln -- I'm just saying stuff because I feel bad only writing one or two p-ads. There, that should do it. :) -- Anti All -- You can all eat ---- and bark at the moon. -- Soultaker Boy George -- Sweet down challenge. You must have gotten your instructions from Mannequin. -- Acidulous Zombielust -- We need to try that one more time with me leading the dance. -- Condromalacia All -- Oh, it's like THAT, is it? OK, you sunsuweaches! -- Death Stud Samwise -- I liked your comment about decise-dependent warriors. For a manager with such striker-heavy tendencies, I look forward to seeing your results with stables full of parry-lunges, parry-ripostes, total parries, etc. I think you should really embrace that thought. At least you wouldn't have to worry about catching a bad decise roll now and again and I'm sure your winning percentages will skyrocket. -- Death Stud NUTSACKZ -- Well, it appears that we returned the favor nicely with the flip-flop of points scored. Here's to turning the tables again this turn. -- THREEPEAT Hombre -- "Less sense than Elephant's spots?" Aha, that's rich. Good one. -- Death Stud Agmour -- So, you're taking rain check on that revenge thing apparently? -- Asp Spiritwalker -- Wow, that was such a massive downchallenge, that I got my butt kicked and still gained 10 points for my efforts. Wrong, I say. -- Beast Dunno -- Nice win, damn you. -- Retribution TGG -- Uh...yeah, I don't think 7-2-3 Dodge is going to get it done.... Thanks input gods! -- Edie Death Stud -- THAT one is gona come back to bite me in the butt ain't it? -- Spiritwalker Spam -- There will be a challenge coming. Not sure from where at this point, but it will come. -- Devil's Workshop Pip -- Too many other teams are dropping like flies for us to finish last. My personal goal at this point is to finish the contest (though the way my guys are performing, we might place better if I just stopped fighting and stuck to spotlights). -- Master Darque Venrek -- I thought somehow you were OTP, but sadly you were just TP. How come yer not down with OTP? Well, maybe next time. -- I Own Indimar All Writers -- Oh deary my, that was a very entertaining NL last time around. Thank you, and please, keep it up! -- the readership at 4000 Blows Snotman -- That was quite a wild and wacky ride on the way to the crab shack. I'm surprised T.J. Hooker didn't jump on the hood at some point. Hmm...<getting ideas for next turn's spot> -- Nuln Chondrolomomalacalacia -- Moo hoo ha ha ha. Wait, let me try that again. Moo hoo ha ha ha. Ohhhh, that was rich. -- Zombie "Can't Touch This" lust Asp whatever -- Damn, I was hoping to write the same personal to you that I wrote to Chondromalacia (man that's hard to type). Guess you get to "Moo hoo ha ha ha" me instead. *sigh* -- McScrod, on the dollar menu fer shur Death Shlub -- Hey, I have an idea too: how about people who aren't the COMMISSIONER don't get to make rules? Remember, yer just a lowly point-tallyer this time around. AAHHA HA HA HAHHAHAHHAHAH, whoooooo... -- Nuln, basking in the absolute corruption that comes with absolute power P.S. LAKERS SUCK!!!!! P.P.S. GO CELTICKS!!!!!! P.P.P.S. In case you weren't clear, that's a *no* on your idea. P.P.P.P.S. If you still need a replacement for Retribution, I hear Pau Gasol is looking for work. Hard Cider -- Let's just get down to brass tacks, shall we: I owned you like Rupert Murdoch owns news outlets, I worked you like a hand-puppet at Death Stud's second grade birthday party, I rocked you like an AC/DC concert, I rotated your crops like Farmer boB on five pots of coffee, I ran you like Carl Lewis on cheetah steroids, I...oh man! I HATE THIS! -- Master Exploder Jayson Dayde -- Can you at least tell me you were running response? I need to know that something makes sense in this crazy universe. *sniff* And what's with all the superfluous "y's" in your name? Gah, I need a drink! -- Agmour, who swears his record should be 5-1 Pip -- I hate to compliment you since I was the butt of your subpar spot, but damn, I cringe to see what a first-rate scribing from you would look like. -- Nuln, still chuckling To All the Loseracious Losers Who are Loser-Like Dropping Out Early of TOGS in a Highly Loseresque and Loserly Fashion -- LOSERS!!!! At least stick around and form a secret society to collude against somebody. Geez. -- President of N.U.T.S.A.C.K.Z. Inc. Elephant -- Ponytache. Brilliant. -- Nuln Master Darque -- I don't know if you'll get the coveted Gold Crown for "I'm Huge In Aradi," but you deserve something for that. Here, have a thin mint. -- Pecan Joe, N.U.T.S.A.C.K.Z. Ombudszombie Hombre -- Well that's the last time I let you go on vacation during TOGS! -- Elephant P.S. My spots are supposed to make sense. IAWAFP -- I'm so proud of my Tin Cup. Hopefully there's more coming. -- Elephant Haruspex -- My name is from Generation X's self titled album released in 1978. -- 100 Punks LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS EVIL AYE was viciously butchered by FIRST TOGS CHAMPION in a 3 minute fight. I EYE was slaughtered by ARNIE SHEW in a 2 minute gruesome Dark Arena battle. REAL SOUR DOUGH was murdered by SEA MONSTER in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight. FEEBLE was butchered by ARENAMASTER HARKON in a 1 minute gory Dark Arena fight. DAY BY DAY demolished ACIDULOUS in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge competition. ODALISQUE vanquished 911 in a exciting 1 minute mismatched Challenge Title fight. BOY GEORGE was bested by I OWN INDIMAR in a 1 minute veteran's Challenge competition. VENREK unbelievably bested ZOMBIELUST in a 5 minute expert's Challenge duel. STITCHES was overpowered by DUNNO in a 1 minute uneven Challenge duel. TWIG was overpowered by HOWLER XIII in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight. READY, STEADY, GO was handily defeated by EQUIPOLLENT in a 1 minute Challenge bout. B.C. GOLD demolished BEAST XVII in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge match. DEAD ALIVE slimly won victory over GHNSGFI in a 2 minute Challenge battle. SCORN BREAD was demolished by VENGANZA in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge brawl. GUNPOWDER overcame CHONDROMALACIA in a 3 minute Challenge conflict. CRUCIFIED was narrowly defeated by NIAGARA FALLS in a 4 minute gory Challenge duel. SENTINEL was viciously subdued by WILD FLOWER in a 2 minute Challenge duel. ZOMBI 2 bested WEKA DART in a crowd pleasing 4 minute Challenge brawl. SHAMIKA defeated SISTER MOON in a exciting 3 minute Challenge bout. SARDASIA was savagely defeated by 100 PUNKS in a 3 minute brutal Challenge bout. STAR defeated FEZ in a crowd pleasing 5 minute Challenge conflict. MASTER EXPLODER was devastated by HAWAIIAN KONA in a 1 minute Challenge bout. DOPEY was unbelievably bested by WARM PIRATE in a 9 minute gory Challenge match. MCSCROD was viciously subdued by IJEOOGI in a action packed 2 minute Challenge duel. KING ROCKER overpowered ASP VI in a popular 1 minute one-sided Challenge match. MISS PIGGY was vanquished by BIOZOMBIE in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge match. JOHNNY was viciously subdued by SCARLET ABATTOIR in a 4 minute Challenge fight. SQUEEZE THE LEMONS won victory over TOGS CHOKER in a 3 minute Challenge bout. MRS. ROBINSON dispatched GILMMAO in a 2 minute Challenge fray. ONLYFORTOGS overpowered STINK I in a 2 minute bloody one-sided Challenge fray. I IN THE SKY vanquished SPAM in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout. TONTO was narrowly defeated by IICERGS in a 5 minute Challenge duel. WHITE WOLF IX was savagely defeated by CROP CIRCLE in a 2 minute gory Challenge fight. VIC TOREE was overpowered by BLUE ICE in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout. EYE SPY was outlasted by SEL DUMB in a crowd boring 15 minute Challenge contest. GAZREK savagely defeated RETRIBUTION XXIX in a exciting 3 minute veteran's struggle. SPIRITWALKER overpowered FLICKED BOOGERS in a exciting 1 minute brutal one-sided fray. PLUM was viciously subdued by KHALHUMS DWARF in a popular 4 minute expert's match. PEACH FUZZ vanquished VETERAN MERCENARY in a exciting 1 minute bloody mismatched bout. ZIG-ZAG MAN viciously subdued RYEHARD in a exciting 2 minute gruesome veteran's match. BUSTED NUTS was vanquished by VENGRAZ in a crowd pleasing 1 minute one-sided struggle. MONKEY PAW lost to SETH DRAVEN in a popular 1 minute conflict. RESPECT THE PACKAGE bested NOODLY APPENDIX in a action packed 1 minute master's match. WILD YOUTH handily defeated NAAN VIOLENT in a 1 minute gory one-sided match. DARIUS subdued SOCRATES in a 2 minute fight. BLACK DEATH was vanquished by HARD CIDER in a 1 minute one-sided bout. ARISTOTLE was unbelievably bested by SUGAR in a crowd pleasing 4 minute bout. NYSTERIOUS WAYS vanquished THE EX in a 1 minute one-sided match. SHRIVELLED PRUNE was handily defeated by THE AFRICAN QUEEN in a 1 minute bout. SHA'LONDA was subdued by JAYSON DAYDE in a 1 minute fight. GALILEO executed ICE CREAM SOLDIER in a 1 minute mismatched conflict. PLATO viciously subdued HARUSPEX in a crowd pleasing 7 minute brutal match. MANHATTAN PROJECT was demolished by AGMOUR in a 1 minute one-sided brawl. DESEARTES was bested by JOKER in a 2 minute brutal match. EDIE was butchered by SHMEGMA in a 1 minute one-sided brawl. BREMEN savagely defeated JIMMY PITT in a crowd pleasing 8 minute gory duel. TEMPE FACER SCROD was defeated by GLITTERDOOM in a 1 minute brawl. DAN GLING outwaited POLITICIAN in a tiresome 23 minute novice's contest. LOVITA was overpowered by BCS in a crowd pleasing 1 minute one-sided duel. WRECKING CROUTON demolished MGGIOJI in a 1 minute one-sided conflict. BREAKABLE bested DWAYNE THE DOG in a 3 minute novice's fight. BRITTLE devastated DWAYNE THE DOG in a 1 minute uneven match. FLIMSY vanquished DWAYNE THE DOG in a 2 minute one-sided bout. TOGS DIXIE2 was savagely defeated by ROAD TRIP in a 2 minute beginner's fight. BATTLE REPORT MOST POPULAR RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS |FIGHTING STYLE FIGHTS FIGHTING STYLE W - L - K PERCENT| |STRIKING ATTACK 31 STRIKING ATTACK 208 - 166 - 10 56 | |LUNGING ATTACK 22 PARRY-STRIKE 21 - 18 - 0 54 | |TOTAL PARRY 18 WALL OF STEEL 53 - 52 - 4 50 | |SLASHING ATTACK 15 PARRY-RIPOSTE 9 - 9 - 0 50 | |AIMED BLOW 12 TOTAL PARRY 93 - 94 - 0 50 | |WALL OF STEEL 8 AIMED BLOW 67 - 69 - 3 49 | |BASHING ATTACK 6 PARRY-LUNGE 12 - 14 - 0 46 | |PARRY-STRIKE 4 LUNGING ATTACK 108 - 130 - 4 45 | |PARRY-LUNGE 2 SLASHING ATTACK 52 - 64 - 2 45 | |PARRY-RIPOSTE 1 BASHING ATTACK 33 - 47 - 5 41 | Turn 445 was great if you Not so great if you used The fighting styles of the used the fighting styles: the fighting styles: top eleven warriors are: AIMED BLOW 8 - 4 SLASHING ATTACK 6 - 9 8 STRIKING ATTACK STRIKING ATTACK 18 - 13 TOTAL PARRY 7 - 11 1 TOTAL PARRY PARRY-LUNGE 1 - 1 WALL OF STEEL 3 - 5 1 BASHING ATTACK PARRY-STRIKE 2 - 2 PARRY-RIPOSTE 0 - 1 1 SLASHING ATTACK LUNGING ATTACK 11 - 11 BASHING ATTACK 3 - 3 TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE FIGHTING STYLE WARRIOR W L K PNTS TEAM NAME STRIKING ATTACK ODALISQUE 8121 12 3 2 109 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) TOTAL PARRY VENREK 7477 22 7 0 107 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) BASHING ATTACK PLUM 8094 9 6 2 89 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) SLASHING ATTACK PEACH FUZZ 8095 11 8 1 85 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) LUNGING ATTACK ZOMBIELUST 8181 10 5 0 82 4000 BLOWS (107) AIMED BLOW VENGRAZ 8018 9 3 0 82 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) PARRY-STRIKE TWIG 8096 9 8 1 65 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) WALL OF STEEL GUNPOWDER 8449 8 2 0 59 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) PARRY-LUNGE NIAGARA FALLS 8533 7 4 0 46 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above. The overall popularity leader is ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083. The most popular warrior this turn was PLATO 8550. The ten other most popular fighters were TONTO 8580, FEZ 7878, SCARLET ABATTOIR 8474, ZOMBIELUST 8181, WEKA DART 7979, PLUM 8094, BREMEN 8570, WILD FLOWER 8443, GAZREK 7858, and ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083. The least popular fighter this week was POLITICIAN 8586. The other ten least popular fighters were DAN GLING 8554, SEL DUMB 8487, EYE SPY 8596, JIMMY PITT 8595, WARM PIRATE 8407, TOGS DIXIE2 8610, MGGIOJI 8591, TEMPE FACER SCROD 8506, EDIE 8429, and MANHATTAN PROJECT 8450. The following warriors have traveled to AD after fighting this turn: DUNNO (60-6988) HIT ME WITH... (503) RETRIBUTION XXIX (60-8259) DEATH STUDS VII (301)