Date   : 06/27/2008    Duedate: 07/10/2008


DM-60    TURN-445

This Weeks Top Honors


(60-8121) [12-3-2,109]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

DREAMTIME (633)                DRAGON FLIGHT (640)
(60-8431) [11-3-0,125]         (60-8585) [2-1-0,27]

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

ZIG-ZAG MAN                    PLATO
MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)           GRECO-ROMAN (639)
(60-7083) [15-13-1,75]         (60-8550) [7-3-0,40]



Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
1. JGW PERISABLE! (641)        57
2. WILD CARDS (148)            50      ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
3. GENX PERFECT HITS (620)     43      Unchartered Team
4. DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)  40
5. TPW FOREVER (619)           38      JGW PERISABLE! (641)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 0*JGW PERISABLE! (641)       3   1  0 75.0   1/ 2 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)  11  4 1
 2/ 2 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)   156 104  8 60.0   2/11 PASTAFARIANS (630)       11  4 0
 3/ 1 GRECO-ROMAN (639)         30  20  1 60.0   3/17 HIT ME WITH... (503)      9  6 1
 4/ 4 DEATH STUDS VII (301)    536 426 20 55.7   4/15 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430)  9  6 1
 5/ 3 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)   47  38  8 55.3   5/ 5 GRECO-ROMAN (639)         9  6 1
 6/ 5 CRAZY CREEPS (207)       612 501 22 55.0   6/ 8 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      9  6 0
 7/ 7 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 248 219 14 53.1   7/ 1 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)    9  6 0
 8/ 8 WILD CARDS (148)         809 716 34 53.0   8/14 WILD CARDS (148)          9  6 0
 9/ 9 PASTAFARIANS (630)        45  40  0 52.9   9/12 LUROCIANS T308 (636)      9  6 0
10/ 6 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)      46  41  2 52.9  10/ 3 PURE EVIL (629)           8  7 1
11/11 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)   32  29  2 52.5  11- 4*MY PRESENT (637)          7  3 1
12/10 DREAMTIME (633)           38  36  0 51.4  12/19 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)   7  6 0
13/ 0*LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)      5   5  0 50.0  13/ 7 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)    7  8 0
14/12 LUROCIANS T308 (636)      26  27  0 49.1  14/10 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)   7  8 0
15/13 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)   117 122  3 49.0  15/ 9 4000 BLOWS (107)          7  8 0
16/14 4000 BLOWS (107)         712 786 32 47.5  16/20 DREAMTIME (633)           7  8 0
17/17 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      89 101  4 46.8  17/22 TPW FOREVER (619)         6  8 0
18/16 WING HOVE (529)          132 151  6 46.6  18/ 6 CRAZY CREEPS (207)        6  9 1

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
19/15 PURE EVIL (629)           39  45  3 46.4  19/21 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)    6  9 0
20/21 TPW FOREVER (619)         44  52  4 45.8  20/13 CLNGE (638)               6  9 0
21/20 HIT ME WITH... (503)      89 107  4 45.4  21/16 DEATH STUDS VII (301)     5 10 0
22-18*MY PRESENT (637)          19  23  3 45.2  22/25 FUNKY FOLK (565)          4  3 0
23-19 LA BOULANGE (626)         23  28  0 45.1  23/ 0*JGW PERISABLE! (641)      3  1 0
24/27*DRAGON FLIGHT (640)        4   5  0 44.4  24/26*DRAGON FLIGHT (640)       3  1 0
25/22 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)    22  28  1 44.0  25/18 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)      3  7 0
26/25 FUNKY FOLK (565)          73 103 10 41.5  26/24 THE EYES HAVE IT (632)    3 11 0
27/24 CLNGE (638)               21  30  0 41.2  27/27 WING HOVE (529)           1  5 0
28/23 THE EYES HAVE IT (632)    23  34  1 40.4  28-23 LA BOULANGE (626)         1  6 0
29-26 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591)  83 131  6 38.8  29-28 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591)  0  2 0
30/28 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)   20  33  1 37.7  30/ 0*LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)     0  1 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                    TEAM SPOTLIGHT

       + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Prop-a-Gander Symposium ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                              Devil's Workshop Turn 10

     Pip and Master Darque were hanging out at Darque's newly built wizard's tower on
the outskirts of Aradi when a knock was heard at the front door.  Neither manager was
expecting any visitors.  They had sent their warriors into town for supplies, so it
certainly would not be one of them.  They looked at one another suspiciously and then
proceeded to the front door with caution.
     "Who is it," Darque asked in a high pitched shrill.  It was his attempt at
sounding like the lady of the house, and putting the unknown visitor off-guard.
     Knowing full well that it was a man behind the door, the messenger just rolled
his eyes.  Managers in Aradi were a strange lot and ever suspicious of even the most
mundane activities.  He would have to ask how far along his transfer to Chimlevtal
was coming.  "I have a special message delivery for a Master Darque and Pip the
Troll," he finally said after cycling through the list of career blunders that had
landed him in one of the most undesired position in all of Alastari--delivery boy.
     The door cracked slightly and the messenger could see Pip peering at him from a
normal eye level, but below him he could see the red eyes of the small Master Darque.
"I have a special invitation from Manager to Pip the Troll and Master Darque," the
messenger clarified.  He presented a rolled parchment to the door.  Pip slipped his
hand through the crack and snatched the scroll.  The door quickly shut.  The
messenger shook his head and turned to leave, knowing he had many more special
deliveries to make and to people stranger than the duo he just encountered.
     Darque checked the scroll for any magical seals or traps and only then did Pip
unroll it and read it allowed:

"You are hereby invited to the special symposium hosted by Manager on the topic of
Propaganda:  Out FONZing the FONZ.  The event will be held in secret at the Aradi
Days Inn ballroom and banquet center.  It will begin sharply at 10 AM.  Don't be
late!  Refreshments will be served."

     Pip wasn't really interested in going, but Darque kept belaboring the point that
there would be free refreshments.  He finally gave in to the little half-demon's
nagging and decided to go.  He had never been to a symposium before, and was not
likely to ever go to one again, so this would be a once in a lifetime experience.
     They arrived promptly at 10 AM, and found some people huddled together in a
dimly lit ballroom.  They found a table sit at after carousing a bit by the
refreshment table to pick up some scrod and cheese bits, scrod crispy treats, and
Scrodbucks coffee.  They waited for the symposium to begin while chatting and
munching on scrod crispy treats.
     Manager began his symposium shortly after 10 AM.  It was apparent from the look
on his face that he was not pleased with the turn out.  He removed Seraphim from his
left butt cheek and assigned him the job of passing out pamphlets those who did
attend.  He then spoke for four hours non-stop about the evils of the FONZ and how
they can be destroyed.
     Darque and Pip left the symposium and headed back to the wizard's tower on the
outskirts of Aradi.  Darque was intrigued by the information on the pamphlet and
Manager's speech at the symposium.  Manager had laid out the nine principles of good
propaganda and how it could be used to defeat the FONZ in the TOGS.  Manager had
outlined his propaganda proposal very well and Darque reminisced about it.
     "The first thing we have to do is sell the Big Lie, not the little ones, people
see through those too easily.  We can't say that Death Stud eats babies, we have go
bigger than that and tell people that if FONZ is allowed to win the TOGS that their
children will get an incurable disease, their wives will grow massive facial warts,
and small cuddly puppies everywhere in Aradi will die!" Manager had spouted into the
hands-free microphone he wore on his head.
     He then continued, "Then we have to make sure we keep the focus simple.  We
can't be filling the heads of Aradians with too many messages.  We need to chant
COLLUSION, COLLUSION, COLLUSION anywhere the FONZ has a foothold."  Darque thought
this portion of the plan was in full effect already and would need little in way of
advertisement.  Which was convenient since the next step in good Manager propaganda
was to repeat the same message over and over and over and over and over again.  The
people of Aradi knew the COLLUSION message by heart.
     "All right, when we get those down, we move in for the kill and start playing
the blame game with them.  You cannot, and I repeat, cannot ever give any credit to
the FONZ for anything they do!  You have to blame, blame, and blame even more.  When
a natural disaster occurs, blame the FONZ.  When a giant demon spider bites the head
off of a horse, and we know who is responsible for that, don't blame Pauly and
Laverne, blame the FONZ!"
     Manager then continued, "Once we have them blaming the FONZ for everything that
goes wrong in Aradi and have them on the ropes, that is when we provoke the people's
emotions.  We run sappy commercials with bunnies and kids in it showing what great
people all of us are, except the FONZ, they are evil."  Manager took a deep breath
before continuing on to step six in his grand scheme.  "This is no place for gray
areas, people.  We have to draw a line and put us on one side and FONZ on the other.
The people are not interested in the middle, but they need clearly defined
boundaries.  We are good and FONZ is evil.  It is a simple thing to remember when
dealing with the people of Aradi.  Us good, them bad!"
      "Next, we need a good symbol.  People love symbols and slogans.  I was thinking
we could wrap our images in the Andorian flag and scrod.  People will love it.  Then
we could photoshop some pictures of FONZ members at Aradi flag burnings and put them
up all over You Scrod and Scrodbook," Manager was foaming at the mouth with the
thought of defaming the FONZ using the newest fad--the internet.
     Darque had stopped Manager at this point by asking, "What about the smart people
in Aradi?  You know as well as I do that not everyone is going to fall for these
     Manager was perturbed that anyone would question his brilliance, but he answered
the question sufficiently with his next point.  "We have an answer for that with
point number eight.  We ignore the intellectuals!  Reasonable arguments have no place
in propaganda, so we ignore them and focus our attention on Joe Aradiman down the
street.  Once we have them on board, the intellectuals will have to get on board or
get out of town!"
     Manager had one point remaining, but that is when Darque decided that he had
heard enough.  He nudged Pip and they left before Manager ended the symposium.
Karaoke was to follow the symposium and Darque the half-demon necromancer would have
no part in such nefarious practices as karaoke.
     "So why didn't we at least stay and listen to the last point.  Seems kinda
strange that you would sit through all of them except the last one." Pip said as they
neared the wizard tower.
     "Oh, I read the pamphlet and we didn't need to stay for that last one," Darque
     "Really, what was the last point?"
     Darque opened the door to his tower with a wave of his hand.  As they entered he
said, "It just said ignore all moral limits.  I figured since we have no morals, or
at least fall into the category of 'questionable morals' that we did not need to stay
for that point."
     "Ah, good call on that one.  Well, I'm going to watch this new video that was
sent to me.  It is called 2 FONZies and 1 Cup."

             + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ FONZ-Suit Mania ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                         A Crazy Creeps TOGS 10 Presentation

     Nuln was hurting.  Simply put, the Nulnlicker was in serious and tortuous
unmitigated pain and sorrow.  It was gone!  He absolutely could not do without it,
but somehow it was gone.  In his monumental sorrow, he wondered to himself, "How
could anyone have stolen it?"  He had hand-washed it with care last night before
beddy-bye time and had hung it to dry by his bedside.  He had taken great care to set
the special little protective snares Death Stud had designed which Soultaker has said
were stealproof and foolproof.  But obviously they weren't, because his FONZ-Suit was
gone.  Kaput!  Not there.  And he was sad.  Really sad.
     He didn't know what to do.  He sure as all get out was not going to report the
theft to Stunted Studly, because The Stud would get mad and mean, and go into a
pompous lecture about all the fools he had allowed into his own Non-Alliance, and how
none of them could do anything right and would never amount to more than a hill of
beans.  (Nuln could never figure out the hill of beans significance, because at
today's prices, a hill of beans would be quite valuable.  But that was The Stud for
you.  He always spoke some type of unusual midget-speak, especially when he was mad
which was nearly one hundred percent of the time.)
     "Eureka!" thought Nuln.  "I've got it!  I will visit Soultaker and inform him of
the theft.  He will know what to do.  Besides, Souly was the only one who seemed to
know how to tell The Stud to stick it when it became necessary which was nearly one
hundred percent of the time."
     So he did.  And lo and behold when he arrived the Soultaker was the most
despondent looking Nuln had ever seen him, and Nulnlicker knew at once that Souly's
FONZ-Suit was gone also.  Oh, my!
     Six beers later they were feeling almost back to normal and could discuss their
loss more reasonably.  "Man, I always loved the design and color.  You could wear it
proudly anywhere in Aradi." said Soultaker.
     "Yeah, Souly, the bright golden lighting flash on the pink and aqua background
was so groovy." responded Nuln.  "But you know what I liked best?  It was all them
pockets.  Forty-nine of 'em.  I could store all my precious items, and there was this
special place for my liverwurst, right next to the Nut Sack.  Know what I mean?"
     "Sure 'nuff, Nuln." replied Soultaker.  "I miss my FONZ-Suit so much.  We gotta
get 'em, back or...."
     Wham, bam!  The door flew open and in marched Pip.  He was holding some dirty,
crumpled, pink and aqua smelly clothing as far as he could from his body.  He flung
them onto Souly's bed.  "You owe me." he said.  "I won 'em off two striped skunks in
a poker game early this morning.  I think they were two Death Stud recruits for The
FONZ.  They kept saying FONZ this and FONZ that.  But they couldn't play Holdem for
     Both Nuln and Soultaker were hugging and kissing Pip before he could react.
(It's a FONZ thing.)  They settled on a rather large amount for the reward.
     Outside as Pip headed up the street, he stopped and slipped The Crazy Creeps
Scribe half the winnings.  "It worked perfectly." he said.  "Easy money.  Let's do it
again some time."

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                     I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For?

     Dr. Zook's diagnosis chilled Mannequin to the bone.  Had he really lost his
'Killjo'?  There had to be something he could do to regain it.  Medicine, excercises,
sorcery...something!  People couldn't just "lose" something that came naturally to
them, could they?
     "What am I going to do?" he asked.  "I can't go through life feeling like this!
I feel like I'm trapped in someone else's body."
     Dr. Zook held up his hands, palms forward, trying to calm Mannequin down.
"There, there, there, hold on now.  It's not the end of the world.  You're going to
feel uncomfortable until your body adjusts to your lack of 'Killjo'", he said.
     "How long am I going to be like this?  Is it permanent?" Mannequin asked.
     "I don't know; it may or may not be permanent.  There is really no way to know.
It all depends on the individual," the doctor replied.
     "I don't understand how someone can lose something that is a part of them," said
Mannequin, "It just doesn't seem possible."
     "Ahh, but it is.  People are born with natural gifts all the time.  Some are
more useful than others; some are never identified or utilized and go to waste.  The
point is, it's not unusual for them to fade over time.  It's as though people outgrow
them," said Dr. Zook.
     "I guess that makes sense," said Mannequin.  "So, do you have any ideas on what
I can do to regain my "gift"? he asked.
     Dr. Zook started scribbling on his prescription pad.  "I'm in a bit of a bind on
this one.  You know, as a doctor I am sworn to some silly oath that says I have to do
everything I can to tend and heal the sick.  That includes you.  However, helping you
regain your particular gift is in direct opposition of my oath since it's likely to
result in untold numbers of deaths and injuries.  Soooo, I'll just scribble some
suggestions here on my note pad and we'll call it good.  If it works, it works.  If
not...well, you'll have to figure things out for yourself.
     Mannequin thanked Dr. Zook for his time and left the office.  He found a bench
to sit on in a nearby park and read the doctor's note:

     1.  Volunteer your time -- homeless shelters, schools, community centers, etc..
Perform selfless acts of good will and remember it's about the needs of others rather
than your own needs.
     2.  See #1

     'What the heck was this drivel?' thought Mannequin.  The doctor must have been
sampling the wares to come up with an idea like this.  Maybe the doctor took his oath
more seriously than he suggested?  Mannequin sighed, stood up and began walking with
new resolve towards his next destination.

     It took Mannequin a few days to get signed up and placed with the appropriate
agencies.  The hardest part was convincing the people running the organizations that
he WASN"T applying for community service credit.  Mannequin gathered the normal
"volunteers" weren't the most upstanding members of the community.  Whatever, he was
there to do whatever he could if it meant getting his 'Killjo' back.
     Mannequin began his days in the mornings working as a crosswalk guard at a
nearby school.  Armed with a whistle, reflective vest and flags he ushered children
back and forth accross a busy intersection.  He took his job seriously and went
above-and-beyond to insure the children's safety.  The job wasn't without its
hazards.  Most of the children were little snobs; they teased him mercilessly over
the way he was dressed, they way he performed his duties, and his inability to find a
better job (little twits that they were, they didn't know he already HAD a real job).
He returned in the afternoon to repeat the process as the children left school.
     He spent his lunchtimes working in a soup kitchen as a cook.  It was hot, sweaty
work but he felt he was making a difference serving those who were down on their
luck.  He made the best meals he could with the supplies on hand.  Many of the soup
kitchens patrons had evidently never experienced haute cuisine.  They would say,
"What is this *bleep*!", spit on the food or throw it away.  Many refused even to
feed it to their dogs.  Even so, Mannequin told himself that he was there to serve
his fellow man.
     Mannequin spent his mid-afternoons and evenings at the senior center as an
activities coordinator.  He enjoyed the time he spent playing bingo (even though he
had to repeat the numbers over and over for the hearing impaired), leading excercise
classes (though no one had the ability to do much more than bend over in their
chairs) and making crafts (even though some startlingly realistic voodoo dolls that
resembled him had appeared).  He was busy, but life was good.
     This routine went on for weeks.  In that time there was no sign of Mannequin's
'Killjo'--it was simply gone.  He had had to make adjustments in his life that he had
never expected to compensate for his loss.  Even so, he did his best to follow
through with the doctor's orders.
      A month went by without change before he decided to pay Dr. Zook a visit.  He
told the doctor that he was following his plans as directed and wasn't seeing any
changes.  He was frustrated and was having a harder and harder time dealing with the
kids, bums and skin bags as the days went by.  Dr. Zook smiled and nodded his head as
he listened but had no further advice for Mannequin.  He simply told him to keep
trying.  Dejected, Mannequin did as he was told and went back to work.
     One morning while performing his duties as a crossing guard one of the children
snuck behind Mannequin and pants'd him as he held up traffic so that everyone could
cross the street.  The children and the townspeople in their carts and carriages
laughed as he struggled to quickly pull his pants up.  He was fuming mad but he
remembered his promise to help others, even if they were ungrateful little brats.  He
maintained his composure and continued doing his job until the school bell rang to
begin the day.
     There was no way for Mannequin to that a fateful series of events was beginning
to unfold.  He made his way to the soup kitchens to help prepare the noontime meal.  
One of his fellow cooks asked him to try the dessert he was preparing.  Mannequin
tried it and suggested that it needed more sugar.  The cook agreed, but said he had
used all the sugar that was available.  Mannequin told him he thought there was an
open bag on the back shelf.  The cook, thinking nothing of it, grabbed the bag and
deposited the contents into the desert mix.  In doing so he failed to notice the
"Danger!  Rat Poison!" labels on the opposite side of the bag.  Evidently the kitchen
manager had been exterminating the rats and had forgotten to store the poison in a
safe area.  The patrons served lunch first were just starting to show signs of lethal
poisoning as Mannequin left the soup kitchen.
     Mannequin's busy day led him to the community center.  He was teaching the
seniors how to make macaroni art by gluing the pasta on paper in interesting designs.
Some of the more absent minded people were more interested in eating the dried
macaroni rather than making art of it.  Mannequin soon realized he needed to
replenish his supplies.  He went to the supply room and found the macaroni and paper
he needed; he was unable to find glue of any kind.  He decided to see if the
maintenance office had anything that would work.  He snooped around a bit before
locating a can of adhesive.  He brought it outside to the work area and filled all
the empty glue bottles.  He failed to notice the "Inhalation Poison" hazard label on
the can that said to use only in a well ventilated area.  He returned to the arts and
crafts room and passed out the supplies.  He had just demonstrated the project when
he realized classes were about to end at the school and he needed to return to his
perform his crosswalk duties.  He excused himself and closed the door as he left.
     Mannequin made it to the school just in time.  He had worked up quite a sweat
rushing back to the school.  Ignoring his thirst and the heat, he began helping the
kids safely cross the street.  As fate would have it, the same group of children who
had pulled the prank on him that morning entered the crosswalk just as Mannequin
spotted a wagon vendor selling snowcones.  Eyes narrowing, he began focusing on the
wagon.  "Ooohh, that looks good," he said to himself.  He left his post in the middle
of the intersection and begain walking towards the wagon.  Seconds later a speeding
carriage went through his unoccupied spot in the intersection and barreled into the
little brats who had pulled the prank on him that morning.  Little bodies were thrown
everywhere and the intersection was quickly thrown into chaos.
      Mannequin never even noticed it.  He purchased a lime flavored snowcone and
began to make his way home.  As he walked a feeling of calm came over him.  His
vision seemed to regain its laser-like focus, his distractions faded away and the
late afternoon crowds parted for him like a hot knife through butter.
     He could almost hear the strains of the song, 'Staying Alive' as he strutted his
way back home...

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
    -----     -----     -----    [Samwise the Bald ]    -----     -----     -----

     The trip back to Aradi was long and somewhat depressing for Samwise.  Though he
now had his clone of Patty, he also had the other clone to deal with.  Bertha, as he
named it, turned out to be completely female anatomically (thank goodness!), but had
many of Samwise's physical and facial features (ugh!!).  "She" also had the
personality and memories of Patty, with just a little of Samwise mixed in.  Luckily,
his blood hadn't been of enough of a proportion to create a true mixture of he and
Patty.  If that had happened, who knew what the resulting horror would have been.
     Samwise also got news that in his absence, his Childhood Trauma stable had not
fared well.  A 2-3 turn and 1-4 turn had occurred in his absence.  So much for
Soultaker's theory about Mannequin's success at choosing Samwise's challenges!  He
was glad to be back in Aradi, even if he did have the burden of dealing with Bertha
and recovering from a few bad TOGS turns.  He arrived back in Aradi just after turn 8
and was busy preparing for turn 9 of the TOGS, as well as putting business in order
at the Crotchety Crab.
     The first order of business was the secretly introduce Patty to her clone.
Samwise would never have cloned Patty unless the original was at peace with the idea.
The first few days back, Patty and spent briefing her clone about her very long
customer list, particularly Soultaker, her number one customer.  And, as Patty and
Samwise had agreed, Patty informed the clone that fifty percent of her earnings were
to be given to Samwise, something that had never happened with the "real" Patty.
     Samwise dealt with the problem of Bertha by assigning her to the kitchen.  She
was to be a dishwasher and cleaning staff member.  Her duties would keep her in the
back, and out of sight.  Samwise did serve food, after all, and he did not want her
visible to the clientele, lest they lose their appetite or worse, vomit in the common
room of the Crotchety Crab.
     On the night before turn 9 of the TOGS, when managers submitted their challenges
for the next day's turn and often went over last minute instruction with their
warriors, Soultaker and Death Stud were in the Crotchety Crab having drinks and
dinner.  Patty had been "ill" for nearly a week and Soultaker was understandable
ornery and distracted.  He just hoped Patty would be out tonight.  He'd gut anyone
that tried to get between he and his ladylove.  Death Stud was seated, as usual, with
Soultaker.  On this particular night, he was sitting on a chair designed to hold a
child.  Even then, there were several local business directories in the chair,
helping the Stud to sit with his elbow just below table height.
     As the two TOGS managers were finishing their meal, Soultaker was again
complaining to Death Stud about his lack of "quality Patty time," as we called it.
As he was doing so, he caught sight of Patty (the clone), coming down the stairs.
Immediately, he leapt from his chair, causing the table to rock, which, in turn, sent
Death Stud flying from his high chair.  Soultaker leapt up the stairs two at a time,
forgetting about his partner and leading Patty up the stairs to her room.  Death
Stud, for his part, landed on the floor between tables and had to do his best to
avoid beings squashed by patrons as they made their way between tables.  Many an
ankle was punched in his mad scamper to the relative safety of the hallway leading to
the kitchen.
     As Death Stud sat against the wall, looking much like a discarded child's doll,
a member of the serving staff emerged from the kitchen, carrying a tray of food.  As
the doors parted, Death Stud looked in, catching sight of Bertha, sweaty, covered in
food debris, bent over the sink, washing.  His eyes immediately widened in wonder.
His breath came more rapidly, and his chest heaved with excitement.  He HAD to meet

      + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ***What Excuse This Turn?*** ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                     by Rillion

     Rillion and The Greek Guy were in the tavern celebrating their stupenderific
turn.  "I knew we could do it!  That will show that annoying Death Stud that we are
have a chance to win this thing!  I do not believe it was a coincidence that our
winning turn happened on Turn 444, I mean look at that, two-thirds of the 'beast'!
It was Destiny," exclaimed Rillion as he motioned to the tavern wench to bring
another round.
     "Yeah, this turn was great!  Even better then having another kid.  Winning a
turn of TOGS was totally worth missing the birth!  I knew all I had to do was pester
you over and over and over again and eventually you would get off your lazy behind
and start pulling your weight.  So what excuse are you planning on trying to use next
turn for why you are going to be rushing at the last minute to get your stuff in?"
asked The Greek Guy.
     Rillion laughed, "Oh, I have already lined up a good one, just trying to work
out the details.  I think it will involve getting some type of new job and how I am
too busy to pay attention to my team in Aradi.  What do you think?  Will that pass
     "No.  That is just stupid, but then I would expect that from you.  Look if you
got a new job you should have plenty of time after giving notice at the old one.
Besides we need to focus here.  It is obvious that the FONZites are trying to trick
everyone into thinking that they aren't colluding.  Clearly their apparent lack of
collusion is a conspiracy!  Look at last turns most avoided team, Childhood Trauma
avoided Eloquant Knights.  Now last TOGS that would have cost Samwise's team points,
but FONZers changed the rules so that they could pretend to be avoiding each other so
we would not think they were in league with each other.  All their inter-alliance
challenging is clearly an act.  So no more slacking, we need to keep winning each
turn," instructed TGG.
    "Fine.  I will make sure that I rush something in before the deadline, probably
while looking at a clock and obsessively counting lines as I try to finish cranking
out another piece of drivel," shrugged Rillion as he reached for more to drink.
    "So how is the replacement you recruited for Tyvek?  Is he going to be able to
help us down the stretch and bring us our first TOGS title?" inquired The Greek Guy.
     "Hmmm...it is hard to say.  He is one of those guys that could be decent and
pick up a few wins based on match-ups or he could suck.  Unfortunately there isn't
enough time to be picky in the Dark Arena.  We got get points and repeatedly churning
through replacements doesn't earn any points.  Unlike repeatedly writing bad
spotlights, those at least earn points, if only barely!"

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
         -----     -----     -----    Soultaker    -----     -----     -----

     Soultaker awoke to a very bright light shining in his eyes.  His vision was all
blurry and he hurt all over his body.  Try as he would, Soultaker was unable to move
his aching body.  Through blurred eyes, Soultaker tried to figure out where he was
and what was wrong with him.  He tried to call out but his voice was refused to come
forth.  The room was all white, or at least that was what it looked like with the
bright light glaring in his eyes.  Soultaker was starting to worry and had to force
himself not to panic.  Slowing he tried wiggling his toes and fingers.  A sigh of
relief escaped as he felt sure that they were working.  "I'm not paralyzed,"
Soultaker thought to himself.
     "Doctor, I think he is awake now," Soultaker heard a soft voice call out.
Within seconds there were numerous blurred faces staring down at him.  "Where am I,
Soultaker managed to croak out.
     "I want you to try and relax and stay calm," a voice seemed to echo to him from
miles away.  "Don't try and move, you are restrained to the bed to keep you from
further injuring yourself.
     "I feel like I have been run over by a herd of Farmer boB's cows.  What am I
doing here," Soultaker asked with a rising panic in his voice.
     "Sir it seems as though you were mugged and left for dead.  I know there is a
town constable waiting outside to ask you some questions when you feel you are up to
it," this time Soultaker was able to put the voice to a face as his vision started to
     At the mention of the word mugged, Soultaker started having flash backs of what
had happened to him.  "Doctor, Doctor, wait," Soultaker cried out in sheer panic.  "I
had my best friend with me.  Please tell me he is ok."
     "Ah you must mean the little dwarf they brought in with you.  He is going to be
ok, but he is in surgery right now," the doctor explained as he laid a hand on
Soultaker's shoulder to calm him. 
     "Surgery, my gods what does he need surgery for," Soultaker demanded.
     "Well it is a little delicate.  It seems the same ones that mugged you also beat
up your little friend as well.  He has most of the same cuts and bruises and you both
have deep wounds in your back, but for some reason the muggers decided to, ahhh, let
me see how should I put it, imbed a fancy short-sword up his posterior region," again
the doctor tried to comfort Soultaker.
     "I hate to interrupt, but if you are able I have a few hundred questions or so
for you," Soultaker recognized the face of Officer Rick Lacey.
     "Listen Rick, this would be a lot easier if you can get them to let me up,"
Soultaker pleaded.
     "Sorry, no can do my friend.  They said the stab wounds in your back are really
pretty deep and you need to stay still for a day or two.  So why don't I pull up a
chair and we can get your statement.  I will try to get Death Stud's after surgery,"
Rick flopped himself down on the chair.
     "I can try but it is all hazy and coming back to me in bits and pieces,"
Soultaker offered.
     "Well let's start with the beginning of the night.  Where were you two at last
night," Rick asked.
     "We started out the night meeting up with a bunch of the fellow managers at the
Azure Cyclops Inn.  We were kind of celebrating our success in the recent TOGS
competition.  We were all slamming down fermented scrod shooters and talking about
what everyone thought we should rename the arena.  It seemed like every time we
finished a drink someone was giving us another," Soultaker paused to get a breath.
     "Can you remember any of the managers that were there," Rick asked.
     "Let's see.  I know Hombre was there he brought us at least three drinks.  Nuln
and Snotman were there for sure.  Samwise was there but he was sitting at a back
table the whole time.  I remember him there because most all of the managers would
keep going back to his table and get money from him.  I remember Street Legal and Pip
was at that table also.  Creepster and Slugbait was at the end of the bar throwing
down handfuls of pills and chasing them with frozen scrod coolers.  I'm pretty sure
Anti was there.  In fact I know he was because he was trying to sell a bunch of dirty
pictures to Elephant.  Greek Guy and Rillion was there.  There were a dozen or so
locals in there.  It is hard to remember.  I know Rillion and Greek Guy kept clapping
us on the back and telling us how great we are.  All the while talking about how easy
it is to cough up a 0-10 turn on the double multiplier rounds.  Mannequin kept
talking about how unfair it was that everyone avoids him.  I remember that because I
thought it so funny since, the whole time he is talking, he is dragging a shapening
stone across the edge of his dagger.  Wait, I am sure that Swinetiger, General
Ironcide and Haunt was there also.  They were off to the far side throwing daggers at
a silhouette hanging on the wall.  I also remember Swinetiger laugh and say it would
be a lot more fun "doing a little dwarf throwing".  In fact I remember a number of
weird comments now that I think back.  I overheard Greek Guy say something about "I
show the little jerk all about Greek".  I know I heard Samwise ask Mannequin to put a
sharp edge on one of his blades "it needs to sink deep" was all I heard.  Damn it all
runs together.  We drank so much and everyone was so friendly.  Even the FONZ seemed
to be all "way to go" and "you guys are just too damn good".  Hell I don't remember
the FONZ being as tight since the old clamato days.  Oh yeah, I know that when Death
Stud and I finally fell over for the tenth or twenth time it was time to go, and
Master Darque suggested that we take the path past the old pond since there had been
some pick-pocketing on the main streets.  Doesn't make sense now but last night we
thought he knew best," Soultaker stopped and asked if he might get a sip of water.
     The whole time Soultaker had been talking Officer Lacey had been writing it on a
pad of paper.  After the nurse had slowing allow some water to slip past Soultaker's
smashed lips, Rick asked if he was ready to continue.
     "Ok we have all of the people you can remember.  Do you remember any of the
beating," Rick asked.
     "It seems just bits and pieces.  We were just coming up to the stand of trees
right off the path at the edge of the pond, when this huge group of shadows came
rushing at us.  The next thing I remember is a searing burning in my back and someone
whispering in my ear "You will never tell the truth now".
     "Did you recognize any of them," Rick asked.
     "No, they were all wear Dwayne the Dog masks.  I might not have seen the faces,
but the one that first stabbed me in the back had breath that smelled of rotted eggs
and garlic.  I only know of one person that has breath like that, and that is
Samwise.  The next thing I remember is slowly going to my knees, and seeing this foul
coward slam a dagger in Death Stud's back.  Again I didn't need to see the face, the
pink leg warmers were a dead give-away.  It had to be Hombre.  There was a second
burning in my back as someone laughed in my ear "you won't be making fun of me
anymore, DUDE."  I know the voice sounded familiar, but there was no time to think as
boots slammed into my body.  I can still see four or five of them throwing Death Stud
around like a sack of feed.  Someone yelled out something like "Told you drarf
tossing would be more fun.  I felt my ribs cave in as a huge boot crashed into them
again and again.  Only one person wears huge boots like that, Nuln and his chaos
boots.  I was having a hard time seeing because my eyes were all tearing up, but it
wasn't tears it was globs of mucus drip.  I could feel myself losing consciousness,
but still I could see most of them run over and start kicking Stud back and forth
between them.  Someone in the group kept screaming "yousreeesskee abba dabba
doserie". Another would scream out Friday night score each time he kick the rolling
midget.  That same person reached down and took Stud's great short sword and waved it
around before kneeling on the ground.  I heard him say as I passed out, "Let me teach
him the meaning of Greek".  The next thing I remember is this damn blinding light in
my eyes.
     I know after all the beating, it was great to see Rick standing there proudly.
"Ok Soultaker, you get some rest.  I will get a statement from Death Stud when he is
able to talk.  Is there anything I can get for you," Rick asked.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
        --------------------- Snotman in the middle of the end -- Snotman --
                                  NUTSAKZ --------

     Snotman tossed back another shot of milk and slammed the glass down on the table
to join 5 or 6 others that were scattered around the table.  Nuln prompted him, "So
there you were tearing back to the Temple of Khorne to confront Rob, your right hand
zombie, with two zombie hookers in the back of your carriage..."
     "Right, so I had the stallions charging at full speed, the setting sun at my
back highlighting the steam of stallions breath.  Everything you could want in a
revenge scenario.  And then the Crazy Creepster's scribe stepped out in front of me,
I think that she was trying to cross the street to bring the Creepster home and give
him his meds."
     "So what did you do?" Nuln querried.
     "I ran her down, you don't think that I was going break up the drama to follow
traffic laws!" Snotman answered hotly.
     Nuln looked shocked, or so Snotman guessed from the intake of breath, Nuln's
chaos helm showed the same impassive steel that it always did.  "What?" like you'd do
any different Snotman snarled.
     Nuln began hesitantly, "Um, didn't you and her have a...thing last TOGS?"
     Snotman grunted, "yeah, but it ended badly.  Hell it started badly too.  It
started with her trying to kill me and got worse from there.  Anyways, so pulled up
outside the Temple of Khorne and there was my army of zombie arrayed in front.  Two
guards were actually holding halbards crossed in front of the temple gates.  Like
they were the Swiss Guard or something."
     "So what did you do?" Nuln asked.
     "I'm a doctor of necromancy, I ordered them to get the hell out of the way
because I needed to give Rob a butt kicking.  They just laughed."
     "They weren't following orders?"  Nuln asked.
     "Not in the slightest. Eventually the crowd parted and Rob came out with a big
old smirk on his face.  I asked him what the hell was up and he said that they don't
take orders from me.  I must admit that at this point I fell back on the 'I created
you' routine.  Then I looked up on the steps of the Temple of Khorne and there was
     "That kid?" Nuln supplied.
     "Yeah that kid.  The spooky zombie kid that I made.  Rob walked back up the
stairs and knelt down in front of her and she put a hand on his head like he was a
dog or something.  Then she told me that I should leave, that the temple and the
zombies were mine."
     "What did you do?" Nuln asked.
     "What could I do, she had a whole army of zombies at her back.  I should have
known something was wrong with her when she was just waiting for us to scoop her up.
And now that I think about it, it was Rob who suggested it.  And now she's some sort
of zombie necromancer and I'm going to have to stay in an inn.  Well, that's put me
off my mood."
     Snotman tossed some eagles on the table and said, "Enjoy your evening Nuln."
     Then he walked out to his carriage and peeked in the passenger compartment where
the mangled body of Crazy Creepster's scribe lay, blood pooling on the plush velvet
"Soon my sweet, we will be together!"

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

       fffff  ooooo  u   u rrrrr     k   k      bbbbb l     ooooo w w w sssss
       f      o   o  u   u r   r     k  k       b   b l     o   o w w w s
       fffff  o   o  u   u rrrrr     k k        bbbbb l     o   o w w w sssss
       f      o   o  u   u r   r     k  k       b   b l     o   o w w w     s
       f      ooooo  uuuuu r   r     k   k      bbbbb lllll ooooo wwwww sssss

     Nuln was in a foul mood.  Sure he was in 2nd place in TOGS, and sure he wasn't
in last place like someone named Manager, so it could be worse.  But unfortunately
team TWOPEAT had been on a ridiculously annoying tear from the get go, and the only
time they had slipped up, Snotman and he had been unable to capitalize.  It was
frustration epidimified!  It was enough to drive an undead Chaos Lord to rip open his
own abdomen, pull out his liver, shove a spigot in, and pour the booze in directly.
And then there was the matter of Goose the goose.  Nuln wasn't sure what'd possessed
him to entrust top-secret ops of the utmost importance to a drug addicted, wise-
cracking goose, but he had, and he was sure he would pay the price for that trust, if
not now then in the very near future.  A full two weeks had passed and Nuln hadn't
seen the beak or feather of his honking associate.
     Just as Nuln began drawing a hashed line around the area of his abdomen where he
thought his liver should be with one manic eye (it's always more disturbing when just
one's manic), the doorbell rang.  With a sigh, Nuln sloughed off his chair and
trudged lifelessly to the front door.  To his surprise, he found Pip standing there,
a paper bag in one hand, a fishing net in the other.  As the two stared at each other
silently with equal unimpressment, Nuln realized with some amusement that they were
wearing basically the same outfit:  beater, shorts, and shoes with no socks.  Except
that Pip's beater had seven more stains, and Nuln was also wearing his Chaos Helm
     "C'mon, let's go." Rasped Pip, then he took a deep swig from the bottle in the
bag, passed it to Nuln, and walked off down the street.  Nuln shrugged, and walked
after him into the midday haze.
     It was the late afternoon in downtown Aradi, which meant managers were getting
killed by the score on these streets left and right.  It was a regular
Cadavarpalooza, piles of mutilated TOGS manager corpses littered the sidewalks as the
two walked by, mostly silent.
     Nuln knew where Pip was heading, or thought he did at least, and just enjoyed
the sun, the booze, and the carnage, while trying to ignore the decaying body smell.
The Chaos Helm (tm) helped a little.  Pip didn't seem to mind, and stopped in front
part of the corpse of General Ironcide.  He had been quartered by his partner Haunt
for no apparent reason, but his TOGS partner had been kind enough to leave an index
card with a brief explanation of what he had done and why for tourists and the other
curious types to read.  Haunt, naturally, had been butchered later by the Greek Guy
(who hadn't left an index card with explanation), after having a psychotic episode
following a 1-4 turn combined with a new child caused him to just snap, grab a pair
of ginsu knives out of a traveling salesman's hands, and carve the erstwhile manager
up like a Thanksgiving turkey.  His corpse lay two blocks up and one over.  In any
case, Pip stood there, looking down at the body.
     "Grab his necklace." Said Pip, standing there motionless.
     "You grabbeth it." Said Nuln taking a swig.  "That's baddeth mojito, man."
     "Fine," grumbled Pip, reaching down and snatching the metal chain that had a
shiny trinket hanging around it.  "He's just gonna be back next turn anyway.  I will
so give it back to him, it's not even funny."
     Pip knew he would never give it back to General Ironcide, but he wondered as he
put the chain in his pocket and kept walking, how Nuln managed to drink from the
bottle when his Chaos Helm (tm) basically covered his entire face, just slits for his
eyes and mouth.
     "We headingeth towards the dockseth?" Nuln asked, stepping over the body of
Pauly, a pigeon pecking at his head for some food.
     "I need your help with sumthin." Said Pip, always the obliquely succinct sort.
"You'll see."
     Nuln wasn't so sure of that, since he could always barely see anything from out
of his Chaos Helm (tm).  As the two made their way from downtown on to uptown, Anti
came stumbling from the other direction.
     "I bought...a fruit...." Anti gasped as he slipped on his own blood, looking
back at the two as the lurched by, "that Mannequin.... wanted....to buy."
     Pip stopped and looked over at Nuln and raised his eyebrows, nodding his head
slowly, as if to say "Daaaaaaaaaamn!"
     "That Mannequin is one touchyeth guy." Nuln stated the obvious, stopping and
watching Anti as well, it looking like the FONZ manager might make it to the
infirmary....or die trying.
     To make a long story short, the two did indeed make it to the docks, got in
Pip's boat (yeah I was thinking the same thing too: how does some troll who sits
around all day either taking sniper shots at people from his roof or lying prone in
front of his scrying pool while eating pizza and watching re-runs of the gameshow
"Trolls in the Pantry" get to own a boat?  The answer is I have no idea.) and headed
out to sea.  And it was a nice boat too.  Nuln thought they were going to catch fish,
but Pip kept sailing and eventually they hit a smaller island off the coast a ways.
     "Follow me." Said Pip, bringing the small boat on shore, and the two headed off
into the brush.  The two walked a ways past an indistinct grey-red landscape, spotted
all about with dark brush.  Eventually they came to a well hidden cave, and Pip came
to a halt again.  He brought a second bottle out of his pocket as Nuln had forgotten
to pass the first bottle back in some time.
     "You ready?" he asked Nuln.  The Chaos Lord shrugged impassively.
     "You can come out!!" Pip yelled, cupping his free hand to his mouth.  "It's ok,
it's just me and Nuln."
     A scurrying and rustling could be heard from out of view but inside the cave,
and grew louder, as whatever it was came closer towards the entrance.
     "Poor guy's been holed up here all week.  Thinks someone's trying to kill him 'r
sumthing.  Guess I can't blame him."  Pip said, wiping his brow with the paper bag.
     Eventually Soultaker appeared at the mouth of the cave, a smile forming as he
saw who it was.  "I'm alive!" Rejoiced the better half of team TWOPEAT.  "PRAISE THE
     "I guess I am too." Pip said, suddenly realizing the strangeness of it.
     "Uh, technicallyeth, I'meth not." Said Nuln, a lump of rotting zombie flesh
falling with a audible 'plop' to the ground.
     "Touche." said the Pip and Soultaker at the same time.
     "C'mon." said Pip, motioning for the two to follow him as he again stalked off
into the brush.  "Let's go."
     As the three headed back to the boat, across town Goose the goose still stood
with one webbed foot on top of his defeated foe.  He and Swinetiger had agreed they
would draw chalk lines around everyone's positions, and then meet again in two weeks
time to begin again in the same places.  The Greek Guy and Death Stud, unfortunately,
had not agreed to this deal, and were no longer there.
     "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" screamed Goose finally, reconfiguring his wings into a
new, deadlier, and more fearsome pose after the timer had yelled "Go!"
     "Time!" yelled Swinetiger then, putting his hands together.  "Can we do this
again in two weeks?  I have a manager I'm supposed to go kill, then I'm getting
killed, then I'm getting buried, then I'm coming back and killing multiple people,
more killing, kill kill kill, with some additional killing sprinkled in...so two
weeks, ok?"
     The two sides again agreed to meet in another two weeks, leaving the readers
pause, knowing that it was highly unlikely that two divergent plot lines would ever
resolve satisfactorily in the next installment.  It was a recipe for disaster, that
was assuredly going to bake into a cake of unfilling disappointment.  Stay tuned next
turn, if you dare...

           + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Friday Night Lights ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                  Part 10
                               The Greek Guy

     First off sorry about last turn's spotlight.  With the new addition there was
no time to do my story justice so I just did a generic one.  So here is a quick recap
of where we left off.  Aradi had battled the Delarq team.  During the fights
Soultaker had his right arm cut off by The Muffin Man; he is a bloodthirsty killer,
after all.  The Aradi team was obviously upset by this and hatched a plan to get
even.  They went to see the Sentinel who had been kicked off the team earlier in the
year.  He agreed to rejoin to team and fight The Muffin Man when they met for round
two of their battle.  The Sentinel normally fought as a lunger but this time he would
have to fight as a total parry.  Now back to the story.
     Training was going well.  The Sentinel, though short, really really short, was
a very good fighter.  His size was actually an advantage.  As a lunger he was very
good at hitting his opponents' legs and knocking them down.  Once he had them down,
few were ever able to get up again.  He was in very good shape and had been known to
stay active and attacking for well over five minutes straight.
     "So how you feeling for next week," The Greek Guy asked.
     "Oh, I'm ready.  Soultaker is a friend of mine," The Sentinel replied.
     "Yea isn't he in your group/gang?  What do you guys call yourselves again?" Tig
Toad asked.
     "They call themselves Fonz." snickered Rillion.
     "We're not a gang." The Sentinel replied.  "We are a lose association of
friends who have common interests."
     Everyone else laughed.
     "Seriously, we are not a gang!" he yelled.
     "Whatever." TGG replied.
     "So what does that stand for anyone?" Zalgor asked as he approached.
     "I know, Fat Old Nerd Zealots." Rillion said.
     "No,it's Farmers Of Nice Zucchini." TGG said and smiled.
     With that The Sentinel walked off with a scowl.
     "Well it's really no worse than BOB I guess.  Why did we come up with that name
again?" TGG asked as they walked off.
     This week passed quickly.  School was school.  No one had much concentration
these days as everyone was gearing up for the fights.  The teachers realized this and
homework was really kept to a minimum.  We practiced hard every day.  Practices were
brutal as Phido was determined not to have a close victory this time.  While it was
bad enough on us, it was even worse on the Sentinel.  He was under pressure from all
as no one wanted to see him lose and most wanted him to return the favor to The
Muffin Man.  As the weekend came there was only one week left until the rematch.
Most of us decided to go to the local tavern and have some fun.  None of realized
what awaited us that night at the tavern nor would we have cared if we did.

            + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Eyes Have It ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "Well good buddy we are in the home stretch and we need to pick it up," rumbled
the Creepster.
     "Me know, me know," replied Slugbait.
     "I know you know but I'm still a little worried."
     "Me wipe dem gladiators into shape.  Big workouts, no food, lots of math and
book reports too."
     "Umm.  One, I'm starting to see where you're going wrong and two you're not
filling me with a lot of confidence.  I can see starving your guys to motivate them
but come on, math and book reports?" grumped the Creepster.
     "Me Mummy always said that big head best weapon you have in the arena.  She say
'Use your head wisely,'" stated Slugbait defensively.
     "Look me show you how it works," said Slugbait as he grabbed a slim man in a
black and white stripped shirt by the scruff of his neck.
     The Frenchman yelped with terror and screamed, "Let me go, let me go.  You want
crescent roll, baguette, anything?"
     Slugbait ignored the daggling man and quickly snapped his neck forward and gave
the bread seller a wicked head butt.  Slugbait then dropped the limp form to the
ground and said, "See, Mummy always right.  Math and book report good for big brain,
big brain is good for big head and big head it good for arena."
     "Maybe so, maybe so but why don't we feed your guys and lay off the book
learning for a bit."
     "Wait minute, why you not talk crazy, yell and holler?"
     "Oh, that's just an act for those dimwits at FONZ.  They believe anything.  Why
don't we go over your warriors one by one."
     "Well first, I Eye, me like him.  He say yes, yes, yes to everything and him
good scum," answered Slugbait.
     "Trust me, he isn't no scum.  I know scum and no scum is 2-6.  Looking at that
bum he is all fat, sloth and laziness.  Really he reminds me of the FONZ.  And what
is good for the FONZ is good for this guy.  Dark arena him."
     "Ok, but him not like it," replied Slugbait.
     "Just remind him that he has said 'Yes, yes' to everything else too," quipped
the howling genius.
     "Next is Evil Aye.  Him always talk back and look at me funny.  Me like that in
a warrior, " stated Slugbait.
     "Dark arena, Dark arena, Dark arena!  You can't have warriors giving you any
guff.  No respect equals no effort.  No effort equals no wins.  No wins equals
stinking it up in TOGS.  Stinking it up in TOGS equals cranky Creepster.  Dark arena,
Dark arena, Dark arena!"
     "OK," said a sullen Slugbait.
     "We will talk about the rest of your duds next week.  Maybe two Dark arenas
will send a message to the rest of your slackers."

      + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Mother Superior Jump the Gun ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                By GenX Perfect Hits

     "Dude have you lost your mind?"
     "Hombre, take a chill pill."
     "You know there's a reason they call him Soultaker."
     "He had it coming. I asked him to lay off us and he refused. With that new
mustache of his, I think they'll being calling him Yosemite Sam."
     "Regardless, you should've have reneged the deal."
     "It's wasn't my deal. Enough of this nonsense. Do you want to bring Manager back
or not?"
     "Get out a pen and paper. You're going shopping while I take Clyde back to
     "OK ready."
     "One Ouija Board, a pair of nobnail boots, a lizard..."
     "What kind of lizard?"
     "Any kind doesn't matter. Five multicolored mirrors and The Beatles - White
     "Anything else?"
     "Yes bring Ganolus, Nuln, and a manager of your choice. Cyberpunk will be there
in my place for verbal and somatic purposes."
     "You told me your were gonna bring Manager back and now you're sending Cyberpunk
in your place?"
     "Yes, his voice is better than mine and I'm gonna be stuck with Ma. Do you wanna
take Clyde back and deal with Ma?"
     "Good point. Cyber will know what to do?"
     "Yes, get the items and meet him at the spot at 11:30 pm."
     Hombre leaves as Elephant and Clyde head to Ma's house.

     "That damn baboon of yours ate up all my Oreos!"
     "Ma we brought you some more. How are you feeling tonight?"
     "Don't ask how I'm feeling, you know how I'm feeling. Where's that no good son
of mine?"
     "Ma he had to work."
     "Don't give me that Philo."
     "Really he did. But he wanted me to give this to you. He also made an
appointment at DMV next week."
     Philo (Elephant) hands Ma a DMV study guide.
     "That was sweet of him but you know I have a hard time reading."
     "That's why I'm here Ma."
     Elephant whispers to himself "Hombre, Orville, whatever you're calling yourself,
you'll pay for this."

     In an unknown room in an unknown location of Aradi we see a very bizarre
happening getting ready to begin. In the room stands Cyberpunk, Hombre, Nuln, Ganolus
and Indimar. There's a lizard in the window pane. Cyberpunk is wearing velvet gloves.
Hombre has multicolored mirrors on his nobnail boots. In the center of the room is
the briefcase and a Ouija Board with the recipe on it. Cyberpunk and Hombre drag
Manager's mangled body to the center of the room.
     "Gentlemen, I think you all know why we are here. I'm going to need your silence
and concentration for this to work. Here are the words I'll need you to repeat on my
     Cyberpunk passes paper around to everyone. He takes out The Beatles - White
Album and places it under the Ouija Board.
     "You do realize that a Ouija board is all about the ideomotor effect?"
     "Ganolus, I'm familiar with the ideomotor effect. You have to trust me on this.
I need your silence and concentration. If you don't want to believe or question this,
then I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
     "I'm cool. I'll give it a try.
     "Do not try, do!"
     Cyberpunk lifts his hand and motions. Hombre, Nuln, Ganolus and Indimar all
circle around the board and joins hands. Cyberpunk begins chanting in a very loud
     "I'm coming down fast but I'm miles above you. Tell me tell me come on tell me
the answer"
     He signals to the group. They chant:
     "Helter skelter, helter skelter, helter skelter "
     "I will you won't you want me to make you. I'm coming down fast but don't let me
break you. Tell me tell me tell me the answer."
     "Helter skelter, helter skelter, helter skelter "
     Hombre dials "666" into the combo and opens the briefcase. A very bright glow
shines from the case. The five men all join hands now. The begin circling and
     "Mother Superior jump the gun
     Mother Superior jump the gun
     Mother Superior jump the gun
     Mother Superior jump the gun
     Mother Superior jump the gun
     Mother Superior jump the gun"
     Suddenly the glowing light leaves the briefcase. There is a bright flash. The
light goes into the back of Manager's head. His eyes open as he gasps for air.
Finally his lungs fill out with air and he hear him say:
     "Happiness is a warm gun"
     "Bang Bang Shoot Shoot" chants the group in a high feminine sounding chorus.
     "Happiness is a warm gun, momma"
     "Bang Bang Shoot Shoot"
     Cyberpunk signals the group to stop.
     "Welcome back Manager."
     "Thanks, Cyberpunk. What happened? Did I just win a reality show?"
     "Fraid not."
     "Laverne killed you." says Hombre
     We see Cyberpunk motion to Hombre to stop talking.
     "Why would Laverne do that?"
     "Because Soultaker and Deathstud ordered it."
     "But if they did why are all you here? You're all FONZ."
     "Manager, you've heard of the FONZ Collusion. Well this is the collusion against
the FONZ Collusion. You must return to the sands of Aradi and assist in the
dismantling of Threepeat."
     "Wow. I like collusion almost as much as I love reality shows."
     "Well, if it's reality you want, how about Threepeat becomes Deadmeat?"
     Cyberpunk breaks out into a loud demonic laughter while everyone else in the
rooms stares at one another shocked and confused.

Stay tuned next week for "Threemeat Deadpeat"
Lyrics used from the Beatles, Helter Skelter and Happiness Is A Warm Gun

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
        -----     -----     -----    Death Stud    -----     -----     -----

<the scene at the Azure Cyclops Inn before last turn>

     Death Stud and Soultaker were at the Azure Cyclops Inn celebrating their good
fortune for having another good turn in the Tournament of the Golden Scrod.  They
were on a very good roll so far and decided to toast their success over a couple of
pints.  However, not everyone was as happy as Death Stud and Soultaker were about the
luck they were having so far.
     They'd been at Aradi's famous watering hole for a couple hours now and as they
got deeper into the bottle, they'd become a bit louder and less discrete than they
ought to have been in their celebration.  Celebrating arena successes at the pub was
a time-honored tradition all across Alastari, but there's a fine line that is best
not to cross.
     It had been OK, even if met with some slight grumbling, as the dynamic duo had
met in anticipation of the upcoming turn to toast their successes.  Clinking glasses
and congratulating themselves had caused a couple people to move down the bar away
from them and a couple of patrons at booths to harrumph to themselves, but that was
no different than any night at the bar when somebody or another rubs someone the
wrong way.  But then, after a couple of drinks each for Stubby and Tubby, it started
to go downhill from there.
     First, Soultaker had gotten it in his head that anyone in the bar who had lost
to his warriors ought to buy him a beer and he'd gone table to table to try to get a
tally and see if he could con anyone into it.  As you might imagine, that exercise
had not met with a much success or pleasantness from the other patrons.  Later in the
night, Death Stud had turned the tables around and offered to buy a round for "all
the losers" and motioned in a sweeping gesture to everyone in the bar.  As you might
image, that had gone over well.  (Although it should be noted that nearly everyone in
the Cyclops drank their free beer on Death Stud's tab with minimal complaint.)
     During the night, a large group of managers had collected and pulled some tables
together in the far corner of the pub.  They were engrossed in some deep
conversations, occasionally peering and glaring towards the oblivious Stud/Taker
teammates before returning to their conversation.  This group included many managers
from the top TOGS teams like Nuln and Snotman, Hombre and Elephant, as well as
Samwise and Mannequin.  Rounding out the complete roster of the top TOGS teams,
Rillion and Greek Guy were also there along with Slugbait and Creepster (who, by the
way, was looking sharp sporting a fancy new drool-bib).  There were also some other
managers like Pip the Troll, SwineTiger, and Street Legal as well.
     As the night wore on, Death Stud and Soultaker had polled everyone at the bar
about what they thought the arena should be renamed to when the two of them won TOGS.
(By a wide margin, the consensus name was apparently "gofragyourself".  Never heard
of that name before, must be an Adantri word.)  The two of them also made a couple
circuits around the bar chanting "Threepeat!" while doing a two-person congo line and
trying to engage the rest of the bar in the party.
     In something that is sure to catch on all around Aradi, Death Stud and Soultaker
came up with a creative twist on a known drinking exercise, coining it "The
Threepeat."  For this drink one prepares a shot of fine Tricoran tequila, a slice of
lime, and a saltshaker.  First the person wets the side of their hand and shakes some
salt on it, then yells "Onepeat" and licks the salt from their hand, then yells
"Twopeat" and throws back the tequila, lastly a loud "THREEPEAT" then sucking the
juice from the lime.  Ah, rest assured there were several rounds of this between
Soultaker and Death Stud at the bar, even if they were unable to gain much interest
in the new drink from around the bar.
     Several fights had nearly broken out at The Cyclops as Death Stud and Soultaker
prepared to leave after the two of them invited all the women in the place to their
TOGS victory celebration in a few weeks and more than a few angry patrons had to be
restrained by the more level-headed amongst them.  The two friends were too schnocked
to notice a large group of managers exiting the bar behind them and milling around
outside until Team Threepeat was a couple blocks down, then following at a distance
once the two rounded a corner.
     Upon leaving the Azure Cyclops Inn, the two soused managers meandered through
the streets of Aradi towards their guildhouses, swaying as they walked and still
singing self-praising songs to themselves.  A few blocks from The Cyclops, the pair
rounded a corner onto a darkened sidestreet and walked straight into the group that
had followed them from the bar.  The two barely had time to blink their heavy-lidded
eyes trying to sort out what was happening before the blows started raining down on
them from all directions.
     There was cursing and yelling as the two manager were beaten by the crowd.
Death Stud and Soultaker were quickly taken to the ground where the circle of
assailants wailed upon them.  Death Stud heard just random words as he tried to fend
off the attacks.  Words like "cocky" and "get what you deserve" and "how does that
feel?"  While two of the managers were kicking his ribs until they cracked, they kept
repeating over and over, "Threepeat this, w!+@hes."  As the blows fell, the poor Stud
and Soultaker caught glimpses of faces and some of them were familiar.  Pip was
there, and Nuln.  Samwise did some heel-stomping as well and Soultaker saw even
Street Legal leap out of the shadows to land an open-handed slap.  As the beatings
reached a crescendo and Death Stud began to slip from consciousness, he grabbed the
leg-warmered leg in front of him and looked up through the blood clouding his vision
at a familiar face.  Before he succumbed to unconsciousness, all Death Stud could say
was, "Et tu, Hombre?" and that was the last thing he remembered.

                                 DUELMASTER'S COLUMN
                             Notes from the arena champ.

Greetings, Aradi.

Wow, I didn't know if I'd ever get the chance to write one of these.  You see, I'm
not really what you'd call a "pretty" warrior.  In fact, Samwise says that if I
graduate, I'll be the ugliest warrior he's graduated since his early days in this
game.  I'm not sure if that's a compliment or insult, but it is what it is.

I was quite shocked to fight Tyvek last turn.  For some reason, I had it in my head
that Spiritwalker would probably TV him and so I made alternate plans.  But no one
accepted my invitations to duel, so we got paired and I was lucky enough to win.  I'm
particularly excited, given the stats that Rillion posted.  Wow, you're a LOT
prettier than me, Tyvek.  Good luck in ADM.  Be sure to write and tell me what it's
like.  I'm sure I'll be allowed to retire if I get the call to the Isle.

Lastly, I'm sure you're all curious to know where my name comes from.  Well, contrary
to speculation, it has nothing to do with the very unfortunate events of September
11, 2001.  Samwise would never seek to make light of such a tragedy.  In fact, my
name was inspired by events that occured nearly 25 years before, when a young Samwise
made a 911 call when he was supposed to be napping.  I'm not clear on the exact
details, but apparently, the adults in the home were sleeping, there was some mention
of a bank robbery, a uniformed police officer arrived at the home to be greeting by
the senior Samwise in underwear, and a mounting of the telephone at a much HIGHER
resting place and a severe butt whooping followed.  <grin>

Your Duelmaster,


                                      SPY REPORT

     Oh, hi.  Its just little 'ol Debby Tonte.  Thought I'd check out COLLUSION COVE 
to see what's new.  Like, CHILDHOOD TRAUMA had to be so embarrassed when they got 
kicked off #1 spot by GENX PERFECT HITS!  Way to go GENX PERFECT HITS!  HIT ME 
WITH... had like a really albendranius week!  Those hunks got a 3-2-1 and wound up as 
3rd team!  I couldn't believe it.  Did DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 really go up by 11?  If 
only those guys didn't have so may missing teeth...  Gross!  See if I even talk to 
any of those losers in CRAZY CREEPS again!  Didja see where they got 1-4-1?  Somebody 
musta won a lotta fights!  Cut this out and put it in your scrapbooks, WILD CARDS!  
'Cause they got 5-0-0 and moved up to 8th!  I just can't say enough good things about 
JGW PERISABLE!.  They went 3-1-0 their first time, don't slouch, and they've got good 
oral hygiene!  MVP award for VENGRAZ?  DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2's proud of it after 
beating BUSTED NUTS and getting 25 points.  Talk about yer big time losers!  BUSTED 
NUTS got smashed by VENGRAZ, and lost 22 points!  ODALISQUE thinks hers 12-3-2 and 
studly character is good enough to face up to the Duelmaster.  Any bets?  Was that a 
tear I saw in ODALISQUE's eye, as she took over Duelmastership?  And wasn't 911 fit 
to be tied!  I hear the top team insists all their warriors get nine hours sleep.  
They want photogenic fighters for PR photos.   
     So just why would someone becomes a warrior anyway?  It can't be for these 
really neat Spyreports can it?  ELOQUENT KNIGHTS was the most avoided team.  Is a 
156-104-8 record really that scary?  I don't know what CHILDHOOD TRAUMA's been doing. 
They certainly haven't been accepting many fights from ELOQUENT KNIGHTS, that's fer 
sher.  Like, is WARM PIRATE popular, or what?  He was challenged the most in all of 
COLLUSION COVE!  He's got a 11-6-0, is that good?  Some fights are really unfair.  
How do you think ZOMBIELUST feels about being challenged by VENREK, 32 points above 
him?  VENREK beat ZOMBIELUST.  No surprise about that.  Really I'm not surprised 
VENREK would do such a scummy thing, either.  STAR must not be a good enough fighter 
to get in fair fights.  She challenged FEZ.  9 is a big difference.  (Well, that's 
what they tell me.) I thought STAR showed great skill and promise when she beat FEZ.  
All right, so I slept through it!  Big deal!   
     What does a fighter fight for?  I mean, the crowds don't give a hoot if someone 
gets killed.  Not after four more fights.  What a bunch of heartless!  I couldn't 
believe how many people were snickering when MRS. ROBINSON killed GILMMAO.  So he had 
a 3-7-0, that's no excuse!  What a bummer!  ICE CREAM SOLDIER got wasted by GALILEO!  
But with a 1-10-0, I guess NO HAMMER HAMMERZ aren't too bummed.  It was kind of sad, 
seeing old EDIE stumbling around the arena, before SHMEGMA finished her off.  Oh 
well!  THE EYES HAVE IT figured it was better to let PLUM kill PRIVATE EYE 
unpunished, and not worry about getting nailed again!  What if they had a fight and 
nobody showed up?  I'd be out of a job, that's what!!!   
     Remember, blood on a purple robe may stain.  Soak it in cold water, and hand 
wash.  I know how much you like reading this stuff, but I really should stop.  Its 
been really albendranius!  Later, guys-- Debby Tonte  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 ODALISQUE 8121               12   3  2   109       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SPIRITWALKER 8431            11   3  0   125       DREAMTIME (633)
 GAZREK 7858                  13   8  0   110       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 VENREK 7477                  22   7  0   107       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 I OWN INDIMAR 8084           12   9  0   104       4000 BLOWS (107)
 BOY GEORGE 8378              10   6  0    91       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 HOWLER XIII 8302             11   3  2    90       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 STITCHES 8245                 9   9  1    90       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 PLUM 8094                     9   6  2    89       FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
 911 7936                     15  13  0    88       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 PEACH FUZZ 8095              11   8  1    85       FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
-T MARIE 8522                  5   4  1    84       MY PRESENT (637)
 FLICKED BOOGERS 6989         18  20  0    82       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 ZOMBIELUST 8181              10   5  0    82       4000 BLOWS (107)
 VENGRAZ 8018                  9   3  0    82       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 DAY BY DAY 8338               9   3  1    81       GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
 ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083             15  13  1    75       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 B.C. GOLD 7787               12  10  0    75       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 WILD YOUTH 8296               8   3  0    74       GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
 DEAD ALIVE 8503               7   3  0    72       WILD CARDS (148)
 EQUIPOLLENT 8492              8   4  1    71       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
 HAWAIIAN KONA 7853            9   9  0    68       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 VENGANZA 8408                10   7  0    67       PASTAFARIANS (630)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 TWIG 8096                     9   8  1    65       FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
 BUSTED NUTS 7134             13  18  1    62       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 RESPECT THE PACKAGE 7832     13  11  0    61       WILD CARDS (148)
-DOUBLE D 8523                 6   3  2    61       MY PRESENT (637)
 GHNSGFI 8526                  6   5  0    61       CLNGE (638)
 GUNPOWDER 8449                8   2  0    59       DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
 ACIDULOUS 8384                9   3  0    58       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
 NYSTERIOUS WAYS 8464         10   4  0    57       PASTAFARIANS (630)
 RYEHARD 8339                  9  10  1    57       HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SETH DRAVEN 8231              7   8  1    56       TPW FOREVER (619)
 DARIUS 8552                   7   3  0    55       LUROCIANS T308 (636)
-MAITRE BOULANGER 8350         6   3  0    55       LA BOULANGE (626)
 BEAST XVII 8303               8   9  0    54       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 WARM PIRATE 8407             11   6  0    53       PASTAFARIANS (630)
 ZOMBI 2 8571                  5   2  0    53       WILD CARDS (148)
 WEKA DART 7979               11  12  1    52       WING HOVE (529)
 CHONDROMALACIA 8432           7   9  0    52       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
 WILD FLOWER 8443              8   7  0    51       DREAMTIME (633)
-LE FOURNER 8354               5   6  0    51       LA BOULANGE (626)
 SCORN BREAD 8343             10  10  0    50       HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
 SHRIVELLED PRUNE 8177         6   9  1    50       FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
 READY, STEADY, GO 8249        5   6  1    50       GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
 THE AFRICAN QUEEN 8473        5   6  0    50       NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
 SHAMIKA 8513                  8   3  0    49       LUROCIANS T308 (636)
 HARD CIDER 7981               7   5  1    48       WILD CARDS (148)
 KING ROCKER 8246              4   7  0    48       GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
 STAR 8427                     9   6  0    47       DREAMTIME (633)
 NIAGARA FALLS 8533            7   4  0    46       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 MASTER EXPLODER 8500          6   4  0    45       4000 BLOWS (107)
 DOPEY 8566                    3   2  0    45       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 MONKEY PAW 7854               9   8  1    44       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 100 PUNKS 8491                6   6  0    43       GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
 NAAN VIOLENT 8433             7   4  0    42       HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
 SOCRATES 8547                 7   3  0    42       GRECO-ROMAN (639)
 NOODLY APPENDIX 8404          8   9  0    41       PASTAFARIANS (630)
 SISTER MOON 8489              5   6  0    41       DREAMTIME (633)
 PLATO 8550                    7   3  0    40       GRECO-ROMAN (639)
 SUGAR 8534                    6   5  0    40       PURE EVIL (629)
 IJEOOGI 8528                  5   5  0    40       CLNGE (638)
 JAYSON DAYDE 8545             6   4  1    39       TPW FOREVER (619)
-L'APPRENTI 8351               6   5  0    39       LA BOULANGE (626)
 GALILEO 8548                  6   4  1    37       GRECO-ROMAN (639)
 FEZ 7878                      5   9  0    36       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 CRUCIFIED 8447                5   5  0    36       DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
 BIOZOMBIE 8607                2   0  0    35       WILD CARDS (148)
 SENTINEL 8543                 8   1  0    34       CRAZY CREEPS (207)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SCARLET ABATTOIR 8474         6   5  0    33       NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
 SHMEGMA 8502                  5   5  1    33       HIT ME WITH... (503)
-TIFFERS 8520                  4   4  0    33       MY PRESENT (637)
 ARISTOTLE 8551                5   5  0    32       GRECO-ROMAN (639)
 MCSCROD 8481                  3   8  1    32       4000 BLOWS (107)
 SARDASIA 8512                 3   7  0    32       LUROCIANS T308 (636)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 IICERGS 8524                  4   6  0    31       CLNGE (638)
 AGMOUR 8568                   4   3  0    31       4000 BLOWS (107)
 SHA'LONDA 8532                4   5  0    30       LUROCIANS T308 (636)
-LEATHAM 8519                  2   5  0    30       MY PRESENT (637)
 HARUSPEX 8559                 6   3  0    29       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
 BLACK DEATH 8446              3   7  0    29       DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
 JOKER 8575                    3   3  0    29       PURE EVIL (629)
-DGA 8562                      2   5  0    29       MY PRESENT (637)
 BLUE ICE 8578                 3   3  0    28       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 THE EX 8436                   5  11  1    27       PURE EVIL (629)
 GLITTERDOOM 8585              2   1  0    27       DRAGON FLIGHT (640)
 ASP VI 8579                   3   2  0    25       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 BREMEN 8570                   5   2  0    24       WING HOVE (529)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SEL DUMB 8487                 3   0  0    23       FUNKY FOLK (565)
 I IN THE SKY 8588             2   1  0    23       THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
 DESEARTES 8560                5   3  0    22       GRECO-ROMAN (639)
-TAKE ANOTHER SHOT 8558        4   3  0    22       NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
 JOHNNY 8511                   4   6  0    22       LUROCIANS T308 (636)
 TONTO 8580                    3   2  0    21       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 MRS. ROBINSON 8573            2   4  2    21       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 ONLYFORTOGS 8601              2   0  0    21       TPW FOREVER (619)
-MERGANDEVIN 8582              1   1  0    21       DRAGON FLIGHT (640)
 TEMPE FACER SCROD 8506        4   7  1    20       NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
 SQUEEZE THE LEMONS 8569       4   3  0    20       FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
 WRECKING CROUTON 8600         2   0  0    20       HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
 MISS PIGGY 8544               4   6  1    19       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 MANHATTAN PROJECT 8450        4   6  1    19       DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
 CROP CIRCLE 8577              3   3  0    19       PASTAFARIANS (630)
 TOGS CHOKER 8561              3   5  0    18       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
-TOWER 7892                    2   0  0    16       LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)
 BCS 8609                      1   0  0    16       DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
 FLIMSY 8604                   1   0  0    16       JGW PERISABLE! (641)
 BRITTLE 8605                  1   0  0    15       JGW PERISABLE! (641)
 POLITICIAN 8586               4   1  0    13       PURE EVIL (629)
 STINK I 8572                  2   3  0    13       THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
-ANGALANDER 8581               1   0  0    13       DRAGON FLIGHT (640)
 DAN GLING 8554                1   1  0    13       FUNKY FOLK (565)
 SPAM 8587                     3   2  1    12       PURE EVIL (629)
 BREAKABLE 8606                1   0  0    11       JGW PERISABLE! (641)
 EYE SPY 8596                  2   2  1     9       THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
 MGGIOJI 8591                  2   2  0     8       CLNGE (638)
-SOLIDUS 7895                  1   0  0     8       LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)
 VIC TOREE 8598                1   2  0     7       FUNKY FOLK (565)
-ICING DEATH 8584              0   1  0     7       DRAGON FLIGHT (640)
 ROAD TRIP 8611                1   0  0     6       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
-HEPHAESTUS 8583               0   2  0     6       DRAGON FLIGHT (640)
 LOVITA 7891                   1   2  0     5       LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)
-GETHSEMANE 7894               1   1  0     5       LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)
 WHITE WOLF IX 8593            0   4  0     4       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 JIMMY PITT 8595               0   4  0     4       TPW FOREVER (619)
-SAND 7893                     0   2  0     3       LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)
 TOGS DIXIE2 8610              0   1  0     1       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD                W  L K TEAM NAME            SLAIN BY              TURN Revenge?
GILMMAO 8525            3  7 0 CLNGE 638            MRS. ROBINSON 8573    445   
ILLUMINATI 8599         0  2 0 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP 634 SPAM 8587             444   
EDIE 8429               5 10 0 DREAMTIME 633        SHMEGMA 8502          445   
REAL SOUR DOUGH 8608    0  1 0 HOUSE OF GRAIN 625   SEA MONSTER           445  NONE
THE BUNISHER 8341      10  3 1 HOUSE OF GRAIN 625   T MARIE 8522          443   

THE DEAD                W  L K TEAM NAME            SLAIN BY              TURN Revenge?
FEEBLE 8603             0  1 0 JGW PERISABLE! 641   ARENAMASTER HARK      445  NONE
DOUBLE CHOCOLAIN 8461   4  5 0 LA BOULANGE 626      READY, STEADY, G 8249 443   
ICE CREAM SOLDIE 8471   1 10 0 NO HAMMER HAMMER 635 GALILEO 8548          445   
EVIL AYE 8498           4  6 0 THE EYES HAVE IT 632 FIRST TOGS CHAMP      445  NONE
I EYE 8508              2  8 0 THE EYES HAVE IT 632 ARNIE SHEW            445  NONE
PRIVATE EYE 8425        7  3 0 THE EYES HAVE IT 632 PLUM 8094             441  NOT REVENGED
PAR 8297                8  5 1 WING HOVE 529        STITCHES 8245         442   

                                     PERSONAL ADS

You were right, RSG!  A Maitre should have gone your way...but I'm stepping out and
Maitre has 20 FEs, so I just wanted to try once with L'Apprenti...you may go on, good
luck, the bakery is closed. -- Le Pentarque

FONZ = Foolish Oboes Noodling Zambonis
       Freaks Of Nominal Zealotry
     The Crazy Creeps Scribe

Tidbits from the International Award Winning Aradi Free Press:
   Death Stud "starred" in The Wizard Of Scrod.
   Thursday oh crap TOGS is due.
   Every which way but loose.
   Nuln could clearly hear the sound of music.
   The end of The Creepster, the end of me.
   Starting center for the losing Freeblade Lakers is...
   Samwise will miss Hammer.
   FONZ can suck a golf ball through a garden hose.
     Editor, IAWAFP

And the composition awards from The International Award-Winning Aradi Free Press are:
     Gold Crown (best)             Entertainment (Anti)
     Silver Scarf (next best)      Realityworld (Soultaker)
     Bronze Pasties                Near The End (Snotman)
     Tin Cup (not so best)         Bakery Closing (Le Pentarque)
Wear your prizes with pride and joy.
     Editor, IAWAFP

Congrats to My Present with a 63 point gain!  Wowser! -- All us envious Crazy Creeps

A BIG congrats to the obviously better team--The Boston Celtics. -- The Crazy Creeps

Pip -- Anti-FONZ humor?  We were merely speaking the truths, man. -- The Crazy Creeps
(Consortium affiliate)

Ijeoogi -- With a name like that, you should be small and leading the FONZ.  And
losing. -- Sentinel

Sardasia -- Me in heap trouble.  You use gun. -- Tonto

Star -- Really?  Star?  Oh, you saw stars when I whacked you good.  I see. -- Dopey

Wild Flower -- You may be pretty, but you sure are a real jerk!  You must be FONZ? --
Miss Piggy

Illuminati -- I like it better with the lights out. -- Mrs Robinson

Busted Nuts -- I (my name) (your name) real good, didn't I? -- Plum

Wild Youth -- One day you, too, will be an old timer like me.  That is, if you live
long enough. -- Shrivelled Prune

Stink I -- Oh, so close.... -- Squeeze My Lemons

Odalisque -- Blah. -- Twig

100 Punks -- 100?  I only saw one little punk. -- Peach Fuzz

Nuln -- Please don't tell anyone I have the arena's top basher.  News like that gets
out and I'll end up on some "Basher's Only" arena mailing list. -- Mannequin
P.S.  Anyone who loses to him should be ashamed of themselves.  ESPECIALLY if their
name is Soultaker.

Studs -- My ability to bloodfeud is equal to your ability to give up your addiction
to 4 inch high heels and lipstick. -- Slugbait

Death Stud -- I thought that was just between us!  I'm not feeling so very special
now! -- Samwise

Death Stud -- What was that you said about challenges, little one? -- a smirking

Snotman -- I'm quite disappointed not to have warranted a response from you regarding
the recent headline in the Aradi Enquirer. -- Rufus, editor-in-chief

Death Stud and Soultaker -- So sorry about your misfortune last turn! -- Samwise

Headlines from today's Aradi Enquirer:
"The Crazy Creepster: bed-wetter, or just a sweaty sleeper?" by Pearl Collard
"Soultaker forms a new support group:  Patty's Anonymous," by Boo Chalky
"An Exclusive interview with Death Stud:  Little People have Little...FEET," by
Garrett Toobe.

THREEPEAT -- About damn time you had a poor turn.  Thank you everyone who decided to
put a lickin' on them -- Snotman

Weeka Dart -- Whewsh!  That was closer than I like -- Dead Alive

General Ironcide -- Most of my best turns have come on maintenance, I highly
recommend it. -- Rillion

Wow, two turns in a row of me actually getting my act together and submitting
everything. -- Rillion, counting his spotlight chicken hatched before he bothers to
write it....

Death Slob -- Okay, I guess it does work out okay sometimes when I try.  Imagine TGG
and I actually winning a turn, that's unpossible! -- Rillion

Flagg -- So it's Thursday night, and I'm watching the results show for "So You Think
You Can Dance" and I'm thinking that I'm forgetting something...yep I never did any
p-ads or a spot.  SIGH.  Yeah I'm a real rocket surgeon.  >:P -- Anti

Death Stud -- Yeah yeah yackity smackity. -- Anti

Nuln -- I'm just saying stuff because I feel bad only writing one or two p-ads.
There, that should do it.  :) -- Anti

All -- You can all eat ---- and bark at the moon. -- Soultaker

Boy George -- Sweet down challenge.  You must have gotten your instructions from
Mannequin. -- Acidulous

Zombielust -- We need to try that one more time with me leading the dance. --

All -- Oh, it's like THAT, is it?  OK, you sunsuweaches! -- Death Stud

Samwise -- I liked your comment about decise-dependent warriors.  For a manager with
such striker-heavy tendencies, I look forward to seeing your results with stables
full of parry-lunges, parry-ripostes, total parries, etc.  I think you should really
embrace that thought.  At least you wouldn't have to worry about catching a bad
decise roll now and again and I'm sure your winning percentages will skyrocket. --
Death Stud

NUTSACKZ -- Well, it appears that we returned the favor nicely with the flip-flop of
points scored.  Here's to turning the tables again this turn. -- THREEPEAT

Hombre -- "Less sense than Elephant's spots?"  Aha, that's rich.  Good one. -- Death

Agmour -- So, you're taking rain check on that revenge thing apparently? -- Asp

Spiritwalker -- Wow, that was such a massive downchallenge, that I got my butt kicked
and still gained 10 points for my efforts.  Wrong, I say. -- Beast

Dunno -- Nice win, damn you. -- Retribution

TGG -- Uh...yeah, I don't think 7-2-3 Dodge is going to get it done....  Thanks input
gods! -- Edie

Death Stud -- THAT one is gona come back to bite me in the butt ain't it? --

Spam -- There will be a challenge coming.  Not sure from where at this point, but it
will come. -- Devil's Workshop

Pip -- Too many other teams are dropping like flies for us to finish last.  My
personal goal at this point is to finish the contest (though the way my guys are
performing, we might place better if I just stopped fighting and stuck to
spotlights). -- Master Darque

Venrek -- I thought somehow you were OTP, but sadly you were just TP.  How come yer
not down with OTP?  Well, maybe next time. -- I Own Indimar

All Writers -- Oh deary my, that was a very entertaining NL last time around.  Thank
you, and please, keep it up! -- the readership at 4000 Blows

Snotman -- That was quite a wild and wacky ride on the way to the crab shack.  I'm
surprised T.J. Hooker didn't jump on the hood at some point.  Hmm...<getting ideas
for next turn's spot> -- Nuln

Chondrolomomalacalacia -- Moo hoo ha ha ha.  Wait, let me try that again.  Moo hoo ha
ha ha.  Ohhhh, that was rich. -- Zombie "Can't Touch This" lust

Asp whatever -- Damn, I was hoping to write the same personal to you that I wrote to
Chondromalacia (man that's hard to type).  Guess you get to "Moo hoo ha ha ha" me
instead.  *sigh* -- McScrod, on the dollar menu fer shur

Death Shlub -- Hey, I have an idea too:  how about people who aren't the COMMISSIONER
don't get to make rules?  Remember, yer just a lowly point-tallyer this time around.
AAHHA HA HA HAHHAHAHHAHAH, whoooooo... -- Nuln, basking in the absolute corruption
that comes with absolute power

P.P.P.S.  In case you weren't clear, that's a *no* on your idea.
P.P.P.P.S.  If you still need a replacement for Retribution, I hear Pau Gasol is
looking for work.

Hard Cider -- Let's just get down to brass tacks, shall we:  I owned you like Rupert
Murdoch owns news outlets, I worked you like a hand-puppet at Death Stud's second
grade birthday party, I rocked you like an AC/DC concert, I rotated your crops like
Farmer boB on five pots of coffee, I ran you like Carl Lewis on cheetah steroids,
I...oh man!  I HATE THIS! -- Master Exploder

Jayson Dayde -- Can you at least tell me you were running response?  I need to know
that something makes sense in this crazy universe.  *sniff*  And what's with all the
superfluous "y's" in your name?  Gah, I need a drink! -- Agmour, who swears his
record should be 5-1

Pip -- I hate to compliment you since I was the butt of your subpar spot, but damn, I
cringe to see what a first-rate scribing from you would look like. -- Nuln, still

To All the Loseracious Losers Who are Loser-Like Dropping Out Early of TOGS in a
Highly Loseresque and Loserly Fashion -- LOSERS!!!!  At least stick around and form a
secret society to collude against somebody.  Geez. -- President of N.U.T.S.A.C.K.Z.
Elephant -- Ponytache.  Brilliant. -- Nuln

Master Darque -- I don't know if you'll get the coveted Gold Crown for "I'm Huge In
Aradi," but you deserve something for that.  Here, have a thin mint. -- Pecan Joe,
N.U.T.S.A.C.K.Z. Ombudszombie

Hombre -- Well that's the last time I let you go on vacation during TOGS! -- Elephant
P.S.  My spots are supposed to make sense.

IAWAFP -- I'm so proud of my Tin Cup.  Hopefully there's more coming. -- Elephant

Haruspex -- My name is from Generation X's self titled album released in 1978. -- 100

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

EVIL AYE was viciously butchered by FIRST TOGS CHAMPION in a 3 minute fight.
I EYE was slaughtered by ARNIE SHEW in a 2 minute gruesome Dark Arena battle.
REAL SOUR DOUGH was murdered by SEA MONSTER in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
FEEBLE was butchered by ARENAMASTER HARKON in a 1 minute gory Dark Arena fight.
DAY BY DAY demolished ACIDULOUS in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge competition.
ODALISQUE vanquished 911 in a exciting 1 minute mismatched Challenge Title fight.
BOY GEORGE was bested by I OWN INDIMAR in a 1 minute veteran's Challenge competition.
VENREK unbelievably bested ZOMBIELUST in a 5 minute expert's Challenge duel.
STITCHES was overpowered by DUNNO in a 1 minute uneven Challenge duel.
TWIG was overpowered by HOWLER XIII in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
READY, STEADY, GO was handily defeated by EQUIPOLLENT in a 1 minute Challenge bout.
B.C. GOLD demolished BEAST XVII in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge match.
DEAD ALIVE slimly won victory over GHNSGFI in a 2 minute Challenge battle.
SCORN BREAD was demolished by VENGANZA in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge brawl.
GUNPOWDER overcame CHONDROMALACIA in a 3 minute Challenge conflict.
CRUCIFIED was narrowly defeated by NIAGARA FALLS in a 4 minute gory Challenge duel.
SENTINEL was viciously subdued by WILD FLOWER in a 2 minute Challenge duel.
ZOMBI 2 bested WEKA DART in a crowd pleasing 4 minute Challenge brawl.
SHAMIKA defeated SISTER MOON in a exciting 3 minute Challenge bout.
SARDASIA was savagely defeated by 100 PUNKS in a 3 minute brutal Challenge bout.
STAR defeated FEZ in a crowd pleasing 5 minute Challenge conflict.
MASTER EXPLODER was devastated by HAWAIIAN KONA in a 1 minute Challenge bout.
DOPEY was unbelievably bested by WARM PIRATE in a 9 minute gory Challenge match.
MCSCROD was viciously subdued by IJEOOGI in a action packed 2 minute Challenge duel.
KING ROCKER overpowered ASP VI in a popular 1 minute one-sided Challenge match.
MISS PIGGY was vanquished by BIOZOMBIE in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge match.
JOHNNY was viciously subdued by SCARLET ABATTOIR in a 4 minute Challenge fight.
SQUEEZE THE LEMONS won victory over TOGS CHOKER in a 3 minute Challenge bout.
MRS. ROBINSON dispatched GILMMAO in a 2 minute Challenge fray.
ONLYFORTOGS overpowered STINK I in a 2 minute bloody one-sided Challenge fray.
I IN THE SKY vanquished SPAM in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
TONTO was narrowly defeated by IICERGS in a 5 minute Challenge duel.
WHITE WOLF IX was savagely defeated by CROP CIRCLE in a 2 minute gory Challenge fight.
VIC TOREE was overpowered by BLUE ICE in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
EYE SPY was outlasted by SEL DUMB in a crowd boring 15 minute Challenge contest.
GAZREK savagely defeated RETRIBUTION XXIX in a exciting 3 minute veteran's struggle.
SPIRITWALKER overpowered FLICKED BOOGERS in a exciting 1 minute brutal one-sided fray.
PLUM was viciously subdued by KHALHUMS DWARF in a popular 4 minute expert's match.
PEACH FUZZ vanquished VETERAN MERCENARY in a exciting 1 minute bloody mismatched bout.
ZIG-ZAG MAN viciously subdued RYEHARD in a exciting 2 minute gruesome veteran's match.
BUSTED NUTS was vanquished by VENGRAZ in a crowd pleasing 1 minute one-sided struggle.
MONKEY PAW lost to SETH DRAVEN in a popular 1 minute conflict.
RESPECT THE PACKAGE bested NOODLY APPENDIX in a action packed 1 minute master's match.
WILD YOUTH handily defeated NAAN VIOLENT in a 1 minute gory one-sided match.
DARIUS subdued SOCRATES in a 2 minute fight.
BLACK DEATH was vanquished by HARD CIDER in a 1 minute one-sided bout.
ARISTOTLE was unbelievably bested by SUGAR in a crowd pleasing 4 minute bout.
NYSTERIOUS WAYS vanquished THE EX in a 1 minute one-sided match.
SHRIVELLED PRUNE was handily defeated by THE AFRICAN QUEEN in a 1 minute bout.
SHA'LONDA was subdued by JAYSON DAYDE in a 1 minute fight.
GALILEO executed ICE CREAM SOLDIER in a 1 minute mismatched conflict.
PLATO viciously subdued HARUSPEX in a crowd pleasing 7 minute brutal match.
MANHATTAN PROJECT was demolished by AGMOUR in a 1 minute one-sided brawl.
DESEARTES was bested by JOKER in a 2 minute brutal match.
EDIE was butchered by SHMEGMA in a 1 minute one-sided brawl.
BREMEN savagely defeated JIMMY PITT in a crowd pleasing 8 minute gory duel.
TEMPE FACER SCROD was defeated by GLITTERDOOM in a 1 minute brawl.
DAN GLING outwaited POLITICIAN in a tiresome 23 minute novice's contest.
LOVITA was overpowered by BCS in a crowd pleasing 1 minute one-sided duel.
WRECKING CROUTON demolished MGGIOJI in a 1 minute one-sided conflict.
BREAKABLE bested DWAYNE THE DOG in a 3 minute novice's fight.
BRITTLE devastated DWAYNE THE DOG in a 1 minute uneven match.
FLIMSY vanquished DWAYNE THE DOG in a 2 minute one-sided bout.
TOGS DIXIE2 was savagely defeated by ROAD TRIP in a 2 minute beginner's fight.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|STRIKING ATTACK                 31         STRIKING ATTACK  208 - 166 - 10      56  |
|LUNGING ATTACK                  22         PARRY-STRIKE      21 -  18 -  0      54  |
|TOTAL PARRY                     18         WALL OF STEEL     53 -  52 -  4      50  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                 15         PARRY-RIPOSTE      9 -   9 -  0      50  |
|AIMED BLOW                      12         TOTAL PARRY       93 -  94 -  0      50  |
|WALL OF STEEL                    8         AIMED BLOW        67 -  69 -  3      49  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   6         PARRY-LUNGE       12 -  14 -  0      46  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     4         LUNGING ATTACK   108 - 130 -  4      45  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      2         SLASHING ATTACK   52 -  64 -  2      45  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    1         BASHING ATTACK    33 -  47 -  5      41  |

Turn 445 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

AIMED BLOW         8 -  4     SLASHING ATTACK    6 -  9         8  STRIKING ATTACK
STRIKING ATTACK   18 - 13     TOTAL PARRY        7 - 11         1  TOTAL PARRY    
PARRY-LUNGE        1 -  1     WALL OF STEEL      3 -  5         1  BASHING ATTACK 
PARRY-STRIKE       2 -  2     PARRY-RIPOSTE      0 -  1         1  SLASHING ATTACK
LUNGING ATTACK    11 - 11     
BASHING ATTACK     3 -  3     

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
STRIKING ATTACK  ODALISQUE 8121             12   3  2  109 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
TOTAL PARRY      VENREK 7477                22   7  0  107 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
BASHING ATTACK   PLUM 8094                   9   6  2   89 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
SLASHING ATTACK  PEACH FUZZ 8095            11   8  1   85 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
LUNGING ATTACK   ZOMBIELUST 8181            10   5  0   82 4000 BLOWS (107)
AIMED BLOW       VENGRAZ 8018                9   3  0   82 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
PARRY-STRIKE     TWIG 8096                   9   8  1   65 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
WALL OF STEEL    GUNPOWDER 8449              8   2  0   59 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
PARRY-LUNGE      NIAGARA FALLS 8533          7   4  0   46 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083.  The most popular warrior this 
turn was PLATO 8550.  The ten other most popular fighters were TONTO 8580, FEZ 7878, 
FLOWER 8443, GAZREK 7858, and ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083.

The least popular fighter this week was POLITICIAN 8586.  The other ten least popular 
fighters were DAN GLING 8554, SEL DUMB 8487, EYE SPY 8596, JIMMY PITT 8595, WARM 
PIRATE 8407, TOGS DIXIE2 8610, MGGIOJI 8591, TEMPE FACER SCROD 8506, EDIE 8429, and 

The following warriors have traveled to AD after fighting this turn:

DUNNO (60-6988) HIT ME WITH... (503)