DUEL 2 NEWSLETTER
Date : 07/11/2008 Duedate: 07/24/2008
COLLUSION COVE ARENA
DM-60 TURN-446
This Weeks Top Honors
THE DUELMASTER IS
I OWN INDIMAR
4000 BLOWS (107)
(60-8084) [13-9-0,119]
Chartered Recognition Leader Unchartered Recognition Leader
SPIRITWALKER GLITTERDOOM
DREAMTIME (633) DRAGON FLIGHT (640)
(60-8431) [12-3-0,127] (60-8585) [3-1-0,31]
Popularity Leader This Weeks Favorite
ZIG-ZAG MAN TOGS DIXIE2
MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
(60-7083) [15-14-1,64] (60-8610) [1-1-0,9]
THE CURRENT TOP TEAM
LUROCIANS T308 (636)
TEAMS ON THE MOVE TOP CAREER HONORS
Team Name Point Gain Chartered Team
1. LUROCIANS T308 (636) 49
2. SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586) 43 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
3. CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) 41 Unchartered Team
4. GENX PERFECT HITS (620) 31
5. WILD CARDS (148) 26 DRAGON FLIGHT (640)
The Top Teams
Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K
1/ 2 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) 159 106 8 60.0 1/ 9 LUROCIANS T308 (636) 11 4 0
2/ 3 GRECO-ROMAN (639) 33 22 1 60.0 2/ 8 WILD CARDS (148) 10 5 0
3/ 4 DEATH STUDS VII (301) 538 429 20 55.6 3/ 6 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 10 5 0
4/ 6 CRAZY CREEPS (207) 615 503 23 55.0 4/ 1 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) 10 5 0
5/ 5 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) 49 41 8 54.4 5/ 5 GRECO-ROMAN (639) 9 6 1
6/14 LUROCIANS T308 (636) 31 27 0 53.4 6/ 7 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) 9 6 1
7/ 7 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 251 221 14 53.2 7/ 4 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 9 6 0
8/ 8 WILD CARDS (148) 812 718 34 53.1 8/ 2 PASTAFARIANS (630) 9 6 0
9/11 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) 35 31 2 53.0 9/16 DREAMTIME (633) 9 6 0
10/10 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) 48 43 2 52.7 10/10 PURE EVIL (629) 7 8 1
11/ 9 PASTAFARIANS (630) 47 43 0 52.2 11/15 4000 BLOWS (107) 7 8 0
12/12 DREAMTIME (633) 41 38 0 51.9 12/18 CRAZY CREEPS (207) 6 9 2
13/24*DRAGON FLIGHT (640) 5 5 0 50.0 13/13 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) 6 9 0
14-13*LATHE OF HEAVEN (603) 5 5 0 50.0 14/14 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) 6 9 0
15/ 1*JGW PERISABLE! (641) 3 3 0 50.0 15-11*MY PRESENT (637) 5 0 0
16/ 0 SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586) 48 49 3 49.5 16/22 FUNKY FOLK (565) 5 4 0
17/15 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) 119 125 4 48.8 17-17 TPW FOREVER (619) 5 4 0
18/16 4000 BLOWS (107) 715 788 32 47.6 18/ 3 HIT ME WITH... (503) 5 9 1
Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K
19/18 WING HOVE (529) 134 151 7 47.0 19/12 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) 4 7 0
20/17 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 91 104 4 46.7 20/21 DEATH STUDS VII (301) 4 11 0
21/19 PURE EVIL (629) 41 48 3 46.1 21/26 THE EYES HAVE IT (632) 4 11 0
22-20 TPW FOREVER (619) 44 52 4 45.8 22/19 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) 4 11 0
23-22*MY PRESENT (637) 19 23 3 45.2 23/20 CLNGE (638) 4 11 0
24-23 LA BOULANGE (626) 23 28 0 45.1 24/ 0 SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586) 3 1 1
25/21 HIT ME WITH... (503) 89 111 4 44.5 25/27 WING HOVE (529) 3 3 1
26/25 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) 23 32 1 41.8 26/23*JGW PERISABLE! (641) 3 3 0
27/26 FUNKY FOLK (565) 74 104 10 41.6 27/25 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) 3 6 0
28/28 THE EYES HAVE IT (632) 25 37 1 40.3 28/24*DRAGON FLIGHT (640) 2 0 0
29/27 CLNGE (638) 22 34 0 39.3 29-28 LA BOULANGE (626) 0 2 0
30-29 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591) 83 131 6 38.8 30/ 0*NIHILISTIC ENDEAVO (642) 0 1 0
31/30 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) 21 35 1 37.5 31-29 BUGS, SLUGS & THUG (591) 0 1 0
32/ 0*NIHILISTIC ENDEAVO (642) 0 1 0 0.0 32-30*LATHE OF HEAVEN (603) 0 1 0
'*' Unchartered team '-' Team did not fight this turn
(###) Avoid teams by their Team Id ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank
TEAM SPOTLIGHT
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Devil's Workshop Turn 11 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
MIGHT AS WELL FACE IT, YOU'RE ADDICTED TO SCROD
"Hi, my name is Nuln," the Chaos Lord said sheepishly.
"Hi Nuln!" the gathered crowd said back to him. The group had congregated into
a small class room at Aradi University. Many people are not aware that Aradi had a
university, and quite frankly the residents found the news troubling as well. No one
is quite sure what they teach or if any attends, but universities are trendy, and may
it never be said that Aradi is not the trendiest of places.
Anyway, back to the story at hand. The group greeted Nuln and awaited the next
line which was crucial to the recovery process--acceptance. Nuln was never going to
get past his scrod habit until he admitted that he had a problem. All waited with
anticipation for Nuln to say. . .
"Um yes, my name is Nuln, and I am. . .," he paused not exactly sure what to say
at this point. Death Stud, his sponsor, moved in beside him for support. He gave
Nuln a reassuring pat on the back of his thigh. Most people would view this as an
awkward sexual advance, but those who knew Death Stud were aware that he couldn't
reach high enough for the complimentary pat on the back.
Nuln took a deep breath and said, "My name is Nuln and I'm addicted to leg
warmers!" His face beamed with pride at the announcement. Death Stud called for
Nuln to lower his head so he could whisper something in his ear. Nuln obliged and
then said, "Oh, really? Then what meeting is this?" His attention then turned to
the crowd.
"I'm sorry, there has been some mistake. I'm not addicted to scrod, I can quit
anytime that I want to. I'm not like you people."
Samwise stood and pointed at Nuln, "You're in the first stage! Denial!" The
tail of a scrod could be seen protruding from the corner of his mouth. Apparently
Samwise had come to terms with his scrod addiction, unlike Nuln, and he had also come
with a scrod snack for the Scrodholics Anonymous meeting.
"I deny nothing! However, I do not have a scrod problem. Sure, I get a little
crazy after breakfast if I don't have one or perhaps right before lunch. And then,
there is always the afternoon break, and who doesn't need one for the commute home.
Actually, there is nothing better than that after-dinner scrod, and who can pass up a
scrod with the night cap."
"Oh gods," he finally broke down sobbing. "What kind of monster have I become?"
He was weeping uncontrollably now, and everyone in the room felt a little
uncomfortable with the Chaos Lord's display of emotion. What did he think this was,
an episode of Dr. Phil?
Death Stud gave another reassuring thigh pat. "I think we have made some great
progress tonight. Let's go have some refreshments now. There are muffins and apple
juice on the back table. There is also a little bit of chocolate left over from
lasts week and some crack. So, help yourselves and we'll meet back here in 15
minutes and talk about the dangers of scrod addiction."
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
A Crazy Creeps TOGS 11 Presentation
"There's no place like home. There's no place like home.... Dang it, Soultaker,
I'm clicking my heels together, and I'm chanting the magic words, and, well, it ain't
happening! What'll I do?" whined Death Stud.
"I must admit that you look rather lovely today." chuckled Soultaker, in that
patient manner which only he seemed to be able to use with The Stud. "Yes, you do.
All dolled out in that pretty white pullover sweater, those bright red hot
minishorts, with really nice ruby heeled slippers, and your favorite Boston Celtics
Championship cap. And the glaringly bright red lipstick really sets it off. You are
a hot and cute pretty doll, Stud!"
"Do you really think so, Soulie?" pleaded The Stud, just begging for more
praise. "Do you?"
"Why, sure, little guy." responded Soultaker. "I think you are the cutest
little doll in all Aradi. Bar none! But what's the deal with the slippers? I mean
the heal clicking and the going home stuff. You don't even know where your home is,
do you?"
"I just found out about these magic slippers, Pal." answered The Stud. "I was
starring in that show, you know, The Wizard Of Oz one, as one of the cast Munchkins,
the littlest one, and I heard Dorothy, well not really Dorothy, but Sue acting as
Dorothy, talking about these magic shoes, and how they will take you home if you
click them, and, well, you see?"
"Uh, see what?" asked the little Stud's dumbfounded senior partner. And as he
thought for a second, he understood. "You want to
find out where your true home really is?! I get it! You think these slippers will
show you who your mother was, and if your father was a midget or a dwarf or a gremlin
or a hobbit or a leprechaun or maybe even an ogre or whatever. Cool!"
"Yeah, see; I've always wondered, you know?" said The Stud with a far off look
on his face. "So why won't these magic slippers work?"
"Well, we know that Sue would never lie." pondered Soultaker. "Did she say
anything else about them? Can you think of anything else she mentioned?"
"Uh, well, uh, she said something about the wearer being true of heart. That's
why I borrowed them because the description fit me so well, and I just knew they
would work. See?" offered the diminutive one.
"Oh, my!" thought Soultaker to himself. "How am I going to be able to put this
to him? He really doesn't realize what a tyrannical FONZ (Fresh Offal Nature's Zest)
leader he is, and how he treats people so meanly. Or how selfish he can be. Or even
how small-minded he is. Oh, my!" But, Soultaker, he was quick. He was.
"Well, of course." He replied to The Stud. "You have to take one of those True
At Heart pills or potions, and then click the heels together on those lovely ruby red
slippers. And, bingo!"
"Oh." Replied the confused Stud. "Uh, where do we get one? Sue didn't say
anything."
"Now surely you didn't think she would reveal her source, did you?" quizzed
Soultaker. "She's a smart gal. But there is one other in Aradi just as smart, and
we will have to ask her about a True At Heart potion. Let's go over to the Emerald
City (That's what some called The Crazy Creeps Guild.) and see The Crazy Creeps
Scribe. She may help us, and even if not, it is worth the look. Know what I mean,
Little Guy?" Soultaker winked at his partner to emphasize his words.
"Well, sure." Replied The Stud. "Let's go see her. I just wanna go home.
There's no place like home."
So off they trotted down the yellow brick lane to see the wizard, er, a, Crazy
Creeps Scribe. About half way there they saw Mannequin standing beside the lane
crying big tears of sorrow. He really looked sad.
"Whassup, Manny?" inquired Death Stud. "What's with the drips, Man? Get it
together."
Mannequin, through choked sobs, responded that he thought he had found his Mojo
again, but it was an apparently false hope and that he knew he would just never find
it again and he was so sad.
"Wow, that is sad!" offered Soultaker. "Bad stuff, man." (Inside he was
thinking to himself "Gotta love it!". Soultaker would obviously not be much help if
one were in need of the True At Heart.) "Why don't you come along with us to see The
Crazy Creeps Scribe? She can help us out."
"Yeah! Good thinking, Pal." Said Mannequin. "But why are you guys going to The
Emerald City? What's the deal?"
After Death Stud explained that he wanted to go home and needed a True At Heart
potion to make the ruby slipper clicking work, and after Soultaker explained that he
wanted to squelch his Peeping Tom instincts by gazing at Crazy Creeps Scribe,
Mannequin joined up.
So they all three joined hands and skipped down the yellow brick lane. Shortly
thereafter the came to the Aradi Poppy Field which they had to cross to get to The
Crazy Creep's Guildhouse.
"We have to hustle across this field, so we don't get trapped by the sensuous
allure of the poppy drug." reminded Soultaker. "Let's skip fast."
But half way across they met up with Manager, who seemed to be having the time
of his life. "Hey, guys." mumbled Manager in a laconic, but mellow greeting. "This
is so cool. No pressure. No TOGS. No winning or losing. Besides there is no more
competitive fun because I won the first TOGS. Did you know that? Join me and we can
have mellow fun together forever."
"Wow, sounds perfect!" high-fived Mannequin to Manager. "We M's will stick
together like mosquitoes on a manure pile. Super! How about you guys? Wanna change
your names to Death Munchkin and Muletaker and stay with us? Manager, Mannequin,
Muletaker, and Munchkin. What a team! M &M and M & M. M&M's!"
"Oooh, boy, we gotta get outta here, now, Stud." whispered Soultaker to the
little guy who wanted to go home. "These guys are all
goo goo! Stoned, I think. No resistance, I guess. That happens when one is not
FONZ". (Freaks Of Nature Zealots)
The half-hobbit in the red shoes nodded to Soultaker, who gave his "regrets" to
Mannequin, who never recovered his Mojo but didn't care, and the twosome skipped
through the rest of the poppy field, singing "We're off to see The Sex Symbol. The
Wonderful Sex Symbol of Creepy's."
It wasn't long before the whiny little Stud insisted that his feet hurt and made
poor Soultaker carry him. Soultaker thought to himself, "It doesn't seem to matter
what we do. I am always carrying The Death Stud." Finally a tired and panting and
significantly sweating Soultaker hefting a soundly sleeping Stud reached The Emerald
City.
It did not take long for The Stud to get excited once the Crazy Creeps
Guildhouse was reached. He asked his great friend Soultaker to go buy them both an
ice cream cone to celebrate, before they went in to complete the mission. Sweating
profusely and thinking that was a terrific idea since The Stud was actually buying,
he did so. Just as Soultaker was taking his first bite, the little Stud said, "Wait;
let's put some of these candy sprinkles on it! Here, try them." Soultaker,
impressed at the new "giving" Death Stud tried the candy, and almost immediately
expired. Kaput. Dead.
"Heh, heh." Chuckled Death Stud, sounding like The Wicked Witch Of The East.
"Now only I will get to see The Great Crazy Creeps Scribe, and since there is only
one of us, she will surely grant my wish."
Shortly, The Little One was led to the pool area where The Crazy Creeps Scribe
was lounging. The Stud had to admit that Soultaker was surely missing the show as
she was attired in the skimpiest pair of hot pink strings that he had ever seen. My!
It was an impressively lovely and erotic sight! But tiny Studly was there only for a
True At Heart potion, and sure enough, The Crazy Creeps Scribe gave him one.
"Now be very careful with that potion, little Stud." she said. "It will take
you home, but your thoughts must be clear, and your desire only to go home. Take the
potion, click the heels twice while saying the magic words "There's no place like
home" twice, and you will be home. Repeat the double click and magic words, and you
will return to Aradi. The potion will only last for two pairs of clickings."
The Studly was so excited that he gulped the potion, clicked the ruby red heels,
and WHAMMO, he was back home. There was his mother, Patty, at the bedside of her
husband, who had just died from being poisoned from eating an apparently salmonella-
laced ice cream cone. It was a sad, sad scene. Death Stud looked at his father's
face, and sure enough, it was.... Tiny Studly couldn't stand the look, quickly
double-clicked again, and returned to where he really belonged--home--Aradi.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
The Grand Aradi Celebration of KATM Day by Snotman
The herald, his pointed slippers curling just so and his outfit a motley of
colors and stripes, nailed the proclamation to the wall outside the arena and
managers and warriors alike crowded around to read:
By proclamation of his royal highness King Rielyan VI all citizens of the land
shall show their loyalty to their liege by participate in the KATM day. It shall be
a day of feasting throughout the land and each citizen shall gather in their arena to
enjoy all the good things that life has to offer: macaronies of evil, chicken
clucking, chick peas, nut sacks, collagen implants and of course scrod products of
all kinds.
King Rielyan VI of Alastari
As the quicker readers and lungers in the bunch read the proclamation a great
cheer went and the warriors and managers proclaimed their love for King Rielyan VI
and then went back to their guildhouses. As darkness was beginning to decend, the
bashers, Pip the Troll, Slugbait and their teams of trolls finally finished reading
and a second great cheer went up proclaiming their love of chick peas, nut sacks and
all things scrod.
As they went home, hunger stirred by all this talk of food, a dark shadow
detached itself from the deepening shadows and rubbed its midnight black gloves
together in such a way as to forbode great suffering.
Somewhere in the darkness a dog howled.
The day of the KATM celebration dawned bright and clear and soon the chickens
were kicked out of bed and the streets of Aradi were full of revelers, getting an
early start on KATM day. Goose the goose opened one bleary eye, examined the
contents of the gutter he found himself in and then pulled the dirty diaper he was
using as a pillow over his head went back to sleep.
Soon the revelers made their way to the arena where the GenX Hits were rocking
it on the stage. Surprisingly the FONZ made a strong showing with Magic Man
wandering down from the Great White North and boB finally giving Bessie a bit of
peace and even Inferno made a showing, rusty nail gripped in one hand, beer in the
other. Surprising because the FONZ is known for its extreme slackdom, TOGS
domination and tendency not to show up at feel good events like this.
On stage Elephant, clad in skintight black leather pants, was screaming into a
mike, his dyed blond hair teased and taunted up into an incredibly painstaking mess.
As he screamed, "Tonight we are going to rock you...tonight!" there was a tremendous
thunderclap and the arena exploded in a climax of blood and fire.
Outside the arena, the dark figure in the ebony cloak pulled back its hood (with
one midnight glove) revealing Manager, "Ha! Take that you inbred, chicken clucking,
fight wining, spotlight writing bastards. I finally got the upper hand after 5 TOGS
of futility! Encyclopedia Manager says that KATM stands for Kill All TOGS Managers!"
"Are you done proclaiming your greatness yet, eh?" said a voice behind him.
Manager whirled about to see the whole FONZ standing in a half-circle behind
him, their hands poised menacingly on their wide assortment of well used looking
weapons, "Magic Man," Manager squeaked, "but you should be dead...you all should."
Snotman grinned and snapped his fingers Magic Man melted into a puddle of snot,
"What, you didn't think that Magic Man would actually show up a some celebration in
Aradi when he hasn't been seen in the arena in years. And really, did you think that
any of the rest of the FONZ would get off their lazy butts?"
Snotman snapped two more times and Death Stud and Samwise melted into snot too,
"Get him boys!"
The rest of the snot simulacrums grabbed Manager and wrestled him to the ground,
"I've always wondered what a zombie Manager would be like and it looks like I get to
find out today," said Snotman with a grin.
He plunged his dagger into Manager's chest and Manager blinked and then started
to laugh, "You weren't aiming for the heart were you? Oh, you kill me Snotman, you
of all people should know better!"
Manager ripped his arms free and plunged his hands into his chest and tore his
own rib cage open, the macaroni of evil pulsed and gave off black glow.
Snotman rubbed his chin for a second, "Well, it doesn't look like I'm going to
be able to zombify him. Let's settle for dicing him into small pieces spreading him
around the island and call it a day."
Manager's screams of protest were cut off quickly as the snot simulacrums went
to work.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Eyes Have It ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Having hit the point of no return Slugbait sighed and took of his plaid helmet,
dropped his purple and yellow poke-a-dotted grieves, tossed his cardboard shield in
the corner and finally dropped his silver maul on the floor.
"Owie!" shrieked the howling madman know to most as The Creepster.
"Me sorry boss," muttered a repentant Slugbait.
Rubbing his severely mangled toes The Creepster asked," So you are going to go
through with it? You're giving up dueling and debt collections to move into a new
career?"
"Yup. Me done."
"But why medicine?"
"Me Mum always say 'Wit fashion sense like you have it can be anything. Even
head cracker'," Slugbait proudly intoned. "You want me to fix them dere toes?"
"No, no you've done enough," answered the Creepster as he hurriedly hobbled out
the front door.
Several days later a large sign appeared over Slugbait's house. YOU BROOK ME
FIX. NO PROBLEM TO SMALL OR LARGE. At the bottom of the sign in very tiny fine
print a caveat was added: except Soultaker's expanding waist, Manager's inability to
manage or Death Sud's ego. And in even tinier print: You no like I how I fix U I
hit you with stick and throw you out the door. Me no like whiners. Em stink.
Almost as soon as the sign was up there was a timid knock on the door and in
scurried a thin man wearing a black and white stripped shirt and carrying a basket of
soggy French bread.
"What you want Le Pentarque?"
"I'm having a problem with my French bread. I can't get it to rise and it
always stays soggy."
"Dat easy. You um visit them der Flower Girls. Dey good bakers."
As Le Pentarque scurried out a frantic Hombre rushed through the door.
"You have got to help me. I'm not sure what happened but I've suddenly
developed hair all over both of my palms. What should I do?"
The large Orc thought for a while (not only a rare occurrence but it took a long
time) and then said, "Dis no new problem. Dis hair has been there for long time?"
Looking a little bit embarrassed Hombre hung his head and said, "It has been
there at least since I was a teenager."
"Dis easy. You visit dem Flower Girls."
Next came Death Stud. "I'm tired of feeling small, insignificant and having to
act like a big man in the arena to compensate."
"Flower Girls, dem help even the tiniest in spirit feel big inside. And that is
what counts, right?"
Elephant's complaint was that his wife was tired of him trumpeting his
accomplishments and then ending up looking like Dumbo. "U go to Flower Girls to
learn that just because you have big ears doesn't mean that everything else is also
big," said Slugbait.
Mannequin said that he just didn't feel very wooden any more. "U go to Flower
Girls to learn how to dance to the puppeteer;s strings again."
The Greek Guy came in wondering where Samwise was. Slugbait frowned and said,
"Flower Girls might point you in the right direction.
Master Darque just didn't feel like he was in charge of his life anymore.
"Flower Girls should teach you how to dominate life and whip you into shape."
As Soultaker arrived Slugbait abruptly jumped up, slammed the door and hurriedly
hung a NO OPEN, sign up. "Any man who live with Patty me no can help. Him hopeless
but him very, very brave."
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
----- ----- ----- Soultaker ----- ----- -----
It had been three days since Soultaker had been released from the hospital, and
he decided it was time to go visit his buddy Death Stud. Although the surgery had
been successful, the sword removal had left serious mental trauma. The doctors had
felt the need to keep Stud for an unknown observation period. The past two weeks had
been very difficult for both of the managers. Close ties and alliance bonds had been
torn apart. There had been many a night that Stud had woken up screaming in the
middle of the night. He would call out one of the assailant's names and then begin
to shiver. Stud would twist and moan through the night waking up drenched in sweat.
Soultaker had been having many of the same symptoms. The hardest part was knowing
who your attackers were and not being able to do anything about it.
Soultaker had been told, that the managers he and Stud identified, all had air
tight alibis. It seems that most all of the managers had vouched for each other and
the constables were unable to find any witness. Soultaker was tired of the weak
guarantees that their assailants would be found. The only way this was going to be
solved is if he and Stud did it together.
Soultaker was struggling to make his way to the hospital. He still needed to
use crutches to keep the weight off his smashed ribs and right knee. He was also
aware of all the stares from the Aradians. It had not taken long for the news of the
cowardly attack to circulate the island. Most of the gossip was how they could not
believe something like this would happen without Manager here to instigate it. Just
the possibility of Hombre being capable of such treachery was beyond belief of many.
Nuln and Street Legal being involved did not startle anyone, and Samwise was never
thought of very highly. The whole island knew how Samwise had backstabbed his
previous alliance. His underhanded and cowardly acts had always been common
knowledge. Of course Pip was expected to be untrustworthy, and the duo Greek Guy and
Rillion were openly hostile to FONZ managers. Creepster might have been a surprise,
if he hadn't been teamed up with that despicable Manager over the last two TOGS.
Soultaker was still deep in thought as he hobbled past the Temple of Khorne.
The sound of snickering brought Soultaker's attention to Snotman and Nuln as they
herded a gaggle of snotlings back inside.
"Good to see you up and around Soultaker," Snotman called out while drool
dripped from his too innocent grin.
"Yessith this goodeth to seeth you doing so welleth Master Soultaker," Nuln
spoke as he performed one of his courtly kiss butt bows.
"Don't try you innocent platitudes on me you mangy curs. We trusted you and you
want to act as if nothing happened," Soultaker spit on the ground and kept hobbling
away.
"Tisith a real shameth that He feeleth that way toward fellow alliance mates,"
Nuln chuckle as both he and Snotman fell to their knees in laughter.
Soultaker was still fuming when all of a sudden Rillion, Pip, Greek Guy, and
TigToad came rushing up from his blind side. Just as they reach Soultasker they all
let out a scream and whoop. Soultaker automatically fell to the ground and assumed
the fetal position try to cover his body for another kicking attack. The
hysterically laughing managers just turned and walked away.
"My, my, aren't we just a little paranoid," Greek Guy called out.
Soultaker laid there for the better part of five minutes as he tried to shake
the fear of betrayal. Once he had gotten back to his feet, Soultaker decided that
today might not be the best day to venture forth and slowly made his way back to his
guildhouse when he felt safe.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
----- ----- ----- Death Stud ----- ----- -----
<several weeks ago prior to TOGS turn 8>
It had been hot in Aradi recently. Unbearably hot. And as Nuln, Death Stud,
and Soultaker got together as they did weekly to discuss the TOGS, they were sitting
side by side with their feet soaking in a kiddie pool, trying to stay cool in the
sweltering summer heat. Each TOGS manager's butt was parked in a low-slung beach
chair special made by a Fratsfan furniture maker to fit them perfectly and provide
the best possible comfort. From the back, it looked like a scene from Goldilocks and
the Three Bears.
Sweat dripped from Death Stud's forehead and ran down his cheek and jaw, making
a small river down his glistening chest before pooling in his bellybutton. He shot a
displeased look at the attendant who was supposed to be providing shade and the boy
quickly resituated the palm frond so the shade moved back across the Death Stud.
"Thank you, Samwise." Relieved, Stud pulled a beer from the amongst the tub of ice
they were in and cracked it open.
Soultaker skooched around uncomfortably in his chair, tying to surreptitiously
unwedge his shorts from where they had ridden up in the crotch area. And he was
literally a sprinkler of perspiration, much to the chagrin of those within sprinkle
range.
Completing the trio of manager, Nuln was decked out handsomely in his Chaos (tm)
brand black metal Speedo, showing off the physique that god had given him.
Undoubtedly one of the benefits of wearing iron beachwear, there was a generous Chaos
bulge already molded right into the metal.
They had already had a couple of refreshing cocktails and gone through the
perfunctory small talk so now it was time to talk seriously about the TOGS, recent
results, and anything else that the key coordinators and management team needed to
discuss.
"You and Snotman have been really kicking butt recently, right back to where you
ended off in the last TOGS." Death Stud complimented his black codpieced friend.
"I'm glad you had the slow start or we'd be chasing you right now instead of the
other way around."
"Thanks, Studly. We've been really happy with the results ever since we started
getting together to plan our strategies and watch the magical replay of the week's
duels live."
"Well, considering how well your partner has been doing so far, I hope that when
you get together to strategize that you're doing more listening than talking,"
Soultaker guffawed. He could never resist getting in a shot on anyone.
Nuln let his sunglasses slide down his zinc oxide covered nose so he could look
across to his compatriots so they could see the seriousness in his eyes. "Guys, I'm
concerned about how this TOGS is going and the impact it might have."
There was a short silence before Death Stud asked, "What does that mean
exactly?"
Nuln continued, "It's just that it's only been seven turns now and you two are
like 100 points ahead of everyone. After winning the last two TOGS and putting such
a heiny kicking on everyone in this one so far, I'm worried. The worry I have is
that because of your total awesomeness and general managerial superiority and what a
disadvantage everyone else is obviously at, that people are going to lose interest in
TOGS. Either wanting to drop out of this one or not play in the next one or that
outside managers who may have wanted to try their hand out at TOGS will just feel
that it is futile. Which, of course, it is. But, we don't necessarily want it to be
that obvious."
Soultaker puffed himself up at the flattering (but obviously true) praise and
said "Yes, it is futile. That's why we named our team THREEPEAT. We wanted anyone
who played to know that they had no chance and that we were going to win again."
"Fine and well, but we don't want people to get discouraged." Nuln said.
Death Stud wasn't sure he like where this seemed to be headed. "What are you
saying, Nuln??
"For the good of TOGS, we really need this thing to be a lot closer so other
managers can happily labor under the delusion that they have a chance to win. Or at
least that there is some sort of chance that you two won't."
It was clear that Soultaker didn't understand when he said, "Um, I don't
understand."
"I think I do," Death Stud said. He narrowed his eyes and waited for Nuln to
continue.
Nuln sighed. "You guys need to slow it up for a couple of turns, throw a few
fights, and let some of the other teams catch up." There was a long silence where
neither Death Stud or Soultaker said anything. "I don't mean that you need to lose
the TOGS or anything, I just think the spirit of the contest will be served if you
were to make it close. The TOGS has always been about making Aradi a fun, exciting
place, and adding to the enjoyment of the arena for everyone. And it also can help
recruit new managers to Aradi to find out what a great arena can be like, even in
today's dueling climate. Do the right thing for TOGS and for Aradi."
Death Stud and Soultaker puts their heads together for a moment before Death
Stud finally said, "OK, we know that you are right. We're not happy about it, of
course. But TOGS and the greater good for Aradi has always been the most important
thing. We'll agree to ease up and backslide for two to three turns to allow everyone
to catch up a bit and make this thing look like a real competition instead of the
predetermined outcome that it is."
Soultaker agreed grudgingly. "Alright, we can put on a good show for the next
couple turns. But then, it's on for real. We don't plan on losing this thing."
The three of them fell silent and they went back to sipping their beers quietly,
sweating, and wiggling their toes in the kiddie pool.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
----- ----- ----- [Samwise the Bald ] ----- ----- ----
Death Stud was consumed with the idea of Bertha. Ever since spotting her at the
Crotchety Crab, he had obsessed about her. Somehow, someway, he HAD to meet her.
The specifics were still to be worked out, but he had the outline of a plan. Today
was Phase I.
The miniscule manager arrived at the Crotchety Crab much earlier than usual. He
quickly found a table and set about putting Phase I into motion. It began with an
order for a HUGE meal, by Death Stud standards: A small bread roll, a single cube of
cheese, and a single chicken wing. Bracing himself for the stupendous meal ahead,
his idea of "carbo-loading," the diminutive manager set about the arduous takes of
actually consuming so much food!
Nearly an hour later, stuffed and happy, the puny pipsqueak of a manager sat
back in his high chair, and initiated Step Two of Phase I. Spotting Samwise in the
common room, the infinitesimal manager waved to his non-alliance mate and told him
upon his arrival, "I'm embarrassed to say that I left my coin pouch at the
guildhouse."
"That's not a problem, Stud," responded Samwise to the miniature manager, "you
know your money's no good here, anyway. I never charge friends and non-alliance folk
for food."
"But, but, you have to charge me! I insist!" exclaimed the runt of a manager.
After several more exchanges in which Samwise attempted to comp the midget
manager's meal (it would have cost less than a child's meal), Death Stud finally
prevailed. When Samwise then suggested to the microscopic manager that her run a tab
(like most of the patrons) and settle the balance upon his next visit, the miniscule
manager insisted that he work off his debt. As with the matter of the initial
charge, the minute manager once again prevailed and was put to work washing dishes
for the duration of ten minutes. Death Stud thought about arguing for longer, but
then realized, who am I kidding? Ten minutes of honest work is more than I've ever
done!
Step Three of Phase I was now underway! Sauntering into the kitchen, his great
short sword dragging on the floor, the pipsqueak manager pushed a chair into place
before the sink. Using a spare belt he brought with him, the midget secured himself
to the bench--hey, that sink's a long way away from the chair and he could fall in
the water while trying to do dishes!--and flashed his most debonair smile (he'd even
brushed his teeth today!--at his fellow dish washer.
"How you doin'?" the dwarf asked the object of his affection.
Bertha giggled.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
------------------------Pip's subpar spotlight # too many ------- by Pip-------------
Pip stretched out and kicked back in his finest writing chair. Pen in hand, he
began to write. And then stopped. And chewed on his pen a bit.
"What should I write?" Pip asked himself.
"I don't know, you're the one with the pen." He answered to himself.
"Oh dang, guess writing this thing is up to me then." He replied.
He began to doodle. And erase. And doodle more.
"Pip, did you get that spotlight done?" asked Darque.
"Erm, I'm working on it now." Pip replied.
"Well don't miss it like last week!" Darque replied.
"I wont, but I don't know what to write about." said Pip.
"Why don't you insult the FONZ some more?"
"It's just getting too easy to do that." replied Pip.
"How so?"
"It's like taking candy from a baby, scamming the stupid, or beating up those
handicapped people who park in regular people parking spots." replied Pip, "Theres
just no challenge in it anymore. FONZ like goats, FONZ likes sheep, FONZ wears
women's underwear, and FONZ likes their women like their wiskey--young and mixed up
with pepsi. FONZ is so stupid it took them 3 days to make microwaveable pot noodles.
FONZ is so ugly they imprinted their picture on a box of super-strength laxatives and
sold it empty. FONZ smells so bad their poo is glad to escape. FONZ is so greasy they
sweat butter, syrup, excrete jam...and have a full time job at the 'Pancake Palace'
wiping pancakes across their forheads. FONZ's house is so dirty I gotta wipe my feet
to go back outside. FONZ is so fat when you tell them to haul butt they gotta make
two trips. Soultakers feet are so nasty that when the FONZ wants toast and jam, he
gets nuln to run a loaf of bread through his toes. FONZ is like McDonald's-- over a
billion served. FONZ is like a vacuum--sucks, blows, and finally gets laid back in
the closet. FONZ got a glass eye with a fish in it. FONZ got more crust around their
mouths than a bucket of KFC. FONZ's teeth are so yellow I can't beleive its not
butter FONZ is so slow, they got locked in a bathroom and almost wet their pants.
Need I go on?"
"Yeah, I see what you mean, not much of a challenge making fun of that group."
"Oh, and I found out Nuln has a wooden nipple, and thats why they call him
corkey." added Pip.
"Is that even possible?"
"Also, I heard about their initiation ritual the other day." said Pip.
"What is it?"
"I'm not entirely sure, but apperently it involves drunken man love and naked
swedes. Some pretty bizarre stuff, but you could figure that from the people in it."
"Gross"
"Here, I got pictures, haven't dared to look at em tho." Pip said, as he handed
an envelope over.
Darque looked at the pictures, started screaming, and ran off to dig out his
eyes with a rusty spoon.
the end. till next week.
how many to go?
P.S. FONZ has wooden boobs and breast feeds beavers.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Friday Night Lights ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
Part 11
The Greek Guy
The Tavern was owned by old man Boss Rat. He used to be a gladiator himself but
had long ago given up the profession. The tavern was near the center of town, not
more than a mile from the school. It was visited quite frequently by students,
especially after the Friday fights. It was Friday but this was our bye week. We had
fought Andoria the week before. It was a route. It never made sense to any of us
how a town could have gladiators but not like to fight. They were known for giving
up early in fights and rarely had the stomach when they were winning to finish an
opponent off. It was an easy 10-0 victory for us and now we stood in first place
among the cities with no losses. The only team even close to us was the Delarqs who
had only the one loss to us. The whole team met right before dusk. We decided to
blow off a little steam and have a few drinks. While drinking was usually not
permitted for those below 16, the barkeep looked the other way when it came to our
team. Besides the only one below that age was Tigtoad. We got a large table in the
corner where we could all fit. Soultaker had joined us tonight now that he was out
of the infirmary. It was strange seeing him with just the one arm. He seemed to
have adapted well though and was busy chugging ale with his other arm.
"Rillion, so you think you might win faster next week than you did last time?" I
chided.
"Look it was under 3 minutes last time." Rillion replied.
"Yea, but that goat farmer hit you once." Tig Toad added with a wry smile on his
face.
"Pretty embarrassing, if you ask me." added Zalgor.
"You guys know I was just messing around." he shot back angrily.
We all laughed. At that moment a group of people walked in. To say we were
shocked by who it was would be a gross understatement. The whole Delarq team walked
and took a seat at an adjacent table.
Rillion stood up and yelled.
"What are you scum doing here?"
The Muffin Man turned and looked at him.
"Looks like were getting something to drink in this festering barn that you call
a tavern." he snarled.
He looked at Soultaker.
"So how's your arm doing?" TMM said with a grin.
At that our whole table rose and hands reached down to grasp hilts of swords.
At the same time their whole table arose as well. Several patrons got up and hurried
out of the tavern.
"Now why don't you step over hear and repeat that?" The Sentinel growled.
At that moment both groups charged each other.
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Threemeat Deadpeat ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
By GenX Perfect Hits
On a darkened side street a few blocks from The Cyclops we see Hombre and
Elephant. One of Hombre's Leg-Warmers is torn and has blood stains on it. The two
appear to be a bit winded but are laughing and smiling.
"Dude, I haven't had that much fun since our 5th grade class beat down Perry
Cordel."
"That was funny. Remember when Ganolus jumped in for a few blows?"
"He came out of nowhere. Our whole class got suspended. Those were the good ole
days Hombre."
"Elephant that was like 25 years ago."
"Time sure flies when your beating up 8th grade bullies that have tattoos."
"I kinda feel bad for Death Stud and Soultaker. They're no Perry you know."
"I didn't feel bad 25 years ago when we jumped Perry and I sure don't feel bad
now."
"But they are my friends."
"They were your friends. Take comfort in the fact that they had it coming. They
asked for it. You saw how arrogant they were back in the bar. ONEPEAT, TWOPEAT,
THREEPEAT. Now deadmeat."
"They were a little arrogant but did they really deserve to get beat down that
bad?"
"Yes. Deadstud even held out posting the TOGS results to help with confusing
other teams."
"You have a good point."
"Et tu, Hombre?"
The two managers bust into laugher and continue drinking their beers.
"Do you think Manager is ok?"
"Oh smack, Manager! Let's go."
"Ok, you drive."
"No, you drive"
"NO, you driv-- TAXI!"
A rickshaw pulls up and the two drunken managers climb into the two-wheeled
cart. The runner takes off. The rickshaw arrives at an unknown location of Aradi.
This unknown location is the safe house where Manager is staying and recovering from
his recent resurrection.
Inside the safe house, we see Manager sleeping in a bed. Indimar is passed out
on a computer desk.
"Damn it Indimar! Wake your sorry self up."
"What? Where? Epic item! Mine for ore!"
"Dude, wake up. How can you guard a safe house when you fall asleep playing
WoW?"
"I'm sorry. Is the safe house still safe?"
"It appears to be."
"Cool. I'm gonna sign back in. I think I leveled just before I fell asleep."
"Indy, I see an intervention in your near future. You're one pathetic loser.
Poor Pauly."
"Hey now wait a minute Elephant. Don't you go bringing my son into this."
"Dude, he's waited his whole life for TOGS. You sell me out to be his partner in
this years TOGS. Then just when he's really into it, you up and quit TOGS to play
WoW."
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"I know exactly what I'm talking about. More importantly, you know as well. Now
get out of here before I get too mad to turn back Indy."
"You're outta line!"
"Out, now."
"But what about my computer?"
Suddenly in an act of rage, Elephant picks up Indimar's CPU and monitor. Both
items are tossed out the window. Next Elephant grabs Indimar by his belt loop and
pushes him out the door. On Indimar's way out, he's assisted by a swift kick to his
rear.
"That's about your computer!"
Indimar picks up what is left of his computer and monitor. He starts crying and
yelling as he walks off into the darkness.
"Now, that's what I call Trail of Tears."
"Elephant, chill. Was that necessary?"
"Yes it was."
Manager gets up out of the bed and is now standing.
"Adrian? What time is it? Man I'm tripping hard" Manager spins around and then
sits on the couch.
Elephant and Hombre look at one another.
"Not again."
"Adrian? What time is it? Man I'm tripping hard" Manager spins around and then
sits on the couch.
"Yes again."
Ten minutes later:
"Adrian? What time is it? Man I'm tripping hard" Manager spins around and then
sits on the couch.
Thirty minutes later:
"Adrian? What time is it? Man I'm tripping hard" Manager spins around and then
sits on the couch.
"He must have had a bad reaction from the resurrection. You gotta go find
Indimar, he's the only one that can help us figure this out."
"After what you did to his computer? How am I'm going to get him to come back?"
"Adrian? What time is it? Man I'm tripping hard" Manager spins around and then
sits on the couch.
"Guess I better go find Indimar."
Hombre exits the safe house.
Will we found out who Adrian is? Will Indimar and Elephant put their differences
aside to help Manager? Will Manager get out of the loop he's stuck in? What will
become of Death Stud and Soultaker? Find out next time. Oh I almost forgot, will
Hombre get a new pair of leg warmers?
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Dreamtime ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
"What do you mean he's still alive?" Hombre asked his TOGS partner. He had
thought the brutal beating Death Stud had taken from the bar patrons, waitresses,
TOGS managers, Goose the goose, Laverne and even Hombre himself would do the job, but
apparently Death Stud was more resourceful than he originally thought.
Elephant cleared his throat and nervously began to speak: "Apparently Sheila
Greywand's healers were walking the streets after a night of bar-hopping and got
confused, thinking it was a Primus fight, and healed him. What are we going to do
now? He's still alive and their still in first place?"
"Oh don't you worry, I'll take care of it for sure this time!" Hombre spoke with
a strange glee as he grabbed a sturdy kitchen knife, rang it in his hands and walked
out the door. Hombre strode quickly down the streets of Aradi making a quick pit-
stop at Scrodbucks to get a Super-Venti half-calf-mocha-vodka-valium-latte with a
sprinkle of cinnamon to calm his nerves. As he was ordering he saw Snotman and Nuln
getting up from a table after finishing their lattes.
"Where are you two off to?" asked Hombre "We just found out that Death Stud is
still alive, and we aim to remedy the situation." the two managers said in unison.
"Huh, funny, but I'm headed in the same direction, mind if I tag along?"
"Not at all, just make sure he's all the way dead this time."
A few minutes later the three managers came upon Sandman carrying a naked
Mannequin under one arm and a shiny knife in the other hand. "Hey Sandman, what are
you doing?" Snotman asked.
"Me and Mannequin are going over to Death Studs 'cuz we found out he lived
through the butt-kickin' we gave him at the bar, and their still in first place, so
naturally we have to kill him."
"Naturally" the other managers said in unison. After another few minutes the
group of managers came to Death Studs home, in a small out of the way neighborhood of
Aradi called the Shire.
"Death Stud! Come out here so we can kill you!" Sandman yelled, subtly.
Strangely, and to help the story along, Death Stud did come out of the door, then
turned and yelled back inside "hold on Soulie, I'll change your bag in a minute! I
think the rest of the FONZ is here to apologize."
"Apologize? hardly runt, we can't bear the shame of letting you threepeat so we
have come to kill you." chirped Hombre. Death Stud closed the door and walked
forward to greet Hombre and THIK! Hombre saw Death Stud lurch forward as Snotman
plunged a knife into Death Stud's back.
"OW!" Death Stud screamed as he whirled around to meet the gaze of Snotman and
ask him why he stabbed him in the back. Again, THIK! a new knife plunged deep into
his back as Nuln stabbed Deathy in the back as well. "DOUBLE OW" Death Stud shrieked
and he spun around to scream at Nuln. As he turned to face Nuln, he left an opening
for Mannequin to stab Death Stud in the back, but of course he didnt, because well,
he's a Mannequin. But Sandman took his shot and lunged forward thrusting his knife
into Death Studs back. "What's with all the back-stabbing!!??" Death Stud screamed.
"we cant have you win this TOGS Studly, it wont look good." Hombre scowled.
"But Hom-" THIK!! Hombre shoved his knife deep into Death Studs heart to surely
finish the job.
"Et tu Hombre?" Death Stud coughed. "Hey, a true friend stabs you in the
front." whispered Hombre, and that was the last thing the Studly one remembered.
"So, now that he's outta the way, who's in second place?" Hombre asked. "hey,
where did Nuln and Snotman run off to?" asked Sandman.
- Hombre
+ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
4444444444444444444444444444444000 BLOWSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
The Status Dough
The Wrapping up of the Finale of the Ending of the Conclusion
<Inside Swinetiger's doughjo>
Two weeks had passed since Swinetiger had called "time," and both sides were now
called back to their places in the sparring room, and waited again for the time-
keeper to do his countdown to restart the match. Goose, naturally, had done nothing
but drink to capacity over at Scrodbelly's Suds, his new favorite dive bar [which not
coincidentally was also the closest bar to Goose]. Any aura of invicibility that had
come with his miraculous defeat of Pumpernickel four weeks ago had vanished, and was
instead replaced with a horrible crashing tide of fear mixed with despair.
"Aaaaaaaaand in three, two..." the time-keeper began, throwing up his fingers as
down was counted. Goose looked across the mat at his two remaining foes, Baguette
and Gluten-Free, the latter looking like he was having deep, dark anger issues this
day. Bright sun shine coming through a window opposite him made Goose squint through
his mask that sadly tried to look like a loaf of white bread, not helping the
headache he already had. The past two weeks flashed before his eyes: the massive
getting drunk, the excessive getting passed out, then the getting drunk and wise-
cracking at drunker, larger people and getting beat up...yes, just a bit of regret
began to sink in, like water on a parched earth.
"Oooooooooooone!" finished the time-keeper, and instantaneously Gluten-Free and
Baguette locked arms, shouted and spun in opposite directions, one to the right of
Goose, the other to the left. The feathered wannabe-ninja grew dizzy, stumbling off
the prone body of Pumpernickel on his rubber legs.
As he struggled to regain balance, Goose was struck by a pointed object square
to his side-section, face planting into the mat. Somehow making it to his feet,
Goose saw the lean form of Baguette crouched before him, the golem's hands moving in
mesmerizing dough-fu circles.
Out of the blue Goose was popped hard in the side of the head by a foreign
object, his loaf mask nearly getting beheaded, or beloafed. Before he could react,
three more flying disks came whizzing through the air at him, and he was popped
soundly from three different angles upside the head. After the stars cleared, Goose
saw it was Gluten-Free standing a ways behind Baguette and hurling shurikens of stale
bread, seeming to produce a limitless amount from the top of his head.
Before he could react, he noticed that Baguette had leaped into a head-first
dive at him, his sharp pointy head aimed straight at Goose. With full force Baguette
struck Goose's abdomen, propelling him far into the air. As he landed square on his
back, the papers Goose had shoved down the front of his pants four weeks ago (yes,
he'd forgotten that whole time to take them out...I'll leave you to for your own
conclusions) came flying out in a giant paper spray.
As the papers softly floated to the ground like papers do, the room stood in
stunned silence. Swinetiger stood up and walked slowly over to Goose, picking up one
of the papers.
"My secret files on the mad dough disease we were planning on releasing to the
unsuspecting masses of Aradi...unredacted!!!" he gasped, then quickly bent down to
pick up another. "And my highly classified secret plans an anti-gravity machine made
entirely out of croissant flakes!!"
Nothing more needed to said, as the circle of bread initiates closed tightly
around the fallen Goose. Ironically, he realized, his own goose appeared to be
cooked.
<Out on the open seas off the coast of Aradi>
Pip had managed to unravel five feet or so of string from the cuff of one of his
shorts legs, tying one end to the ring he had stolen from General Ironcide. He
handed it over to Nuln and said "Go ahead and lower that in." As Nuln followed his
instructions, Pip and Soultaker readied the net. Before you knew it, the bottom of
the boat was filled with a shimmering sea of small, squiggling silver fish.
"I can't beleive you like eating those." said Nuln, shaking his Chaos Helm (tm)
sadly while making a face. "Just touching them makes me wanna yak."
"We love anchovies." said Soultaker, who had formed a strong alliance with Pip
over their shared taste. "And nothing you can say will make us change that. Ever."
"Fair enough." Nuln replied. "I'll just have to wear my nose plugs then, I
see."
Eventually they returned to dock, and unloaded their haul in a cooler, heading
off for Nuln's house.
"Goose will be there now." Nuln said, looking a little worried despite his cliam
as they made their way through the litter of dead managers that was a constant in
downtown Aradi.
"I guess Hammer won't be making it to the party." Soultaker observed, looking at
the corpse of the fallen manager as they passed. As they went by Scrodbucks, they
saw a surprisingly alive Indimar, whacking something shiny with a pickaxe outside his
cafe.
"Whatchya doing?" Nuln called out.
"Mining thorium!" Indimar called back, then went back to his whacking.
Eventually they made it to Nuln's house, and it was a few hours before the party
was supposed to begin. As they walked through the quiet interior, they stopped short
as they entered the living room. Sitting with an aura of quiet calm on a large
overstuffed blue chair was Goose, legs crossed, his gaze inscrutable. He still wore
the tattered remains of his "Wonder" toga.
"Do you have it?" asked Nuln, pulling out several bags of gold that were Goose's
if he had indeed ocmpleted the task.
"Oh, I can assure you," said Goose, still gazing inscrutably, "I have it."
Reaching inside his toga, he produced a crumpled piece of paper and handed it to
Nuln.
Nuln accepted it, smiling broadly underneath his Chaos Helm (tm) as he read
words written on it. Goose described more or less what had happened to him, only
leaving out a handful of essential truths, then explained how he had gotten out of
the doughjo alive with the document Nuln had paid him for.
"By chance it flew up my toga after Baguette toasted me into the stratosphere.
They just never checked. The beat the feathers out of me, but they never checked."
Gooses gaze grew more scrutable, as he stared at the gold sacks, and his pupils
turned into seas of glasses filled with beer.
"'How to Make the Perfect Pizza Dough.'" Pip read from over Nuln's shoulder. "I
believe we will put this to good use."
Indeed, it was so, and that night was perhaps the greatest pizza pie party ever
had in Aradi. Most people showed up, even the dead ones, which just showed the
courtesy that TOGS managers possessed, because they were horrible conversationalists.
At one point Hombre was telling the story of how he had been stuck overnight one time
in Dandred's Fold, while standing directly in front of the locked front door, when
Hammer seemingly materialized from out of nowhere behind him. He startled the group
when he announced in his booming voice how being stuck anywhere and at any time, even
elsewhen, in Dandred's Fold was no picnic. His supernatural powers were the topic of
many a discussion after that, as well the mini-drama when someone leaked to General
Ironcide (who had been resurrected by this point) that Pip had his necklace, but the
Creepster had been able to keep the peace by simply speaking, which seemed to crack
everybody up though they had no idea what he said.
Yes, for one night the TOGS managers were able to put aside their petty desires
to kill each other in order to win the TOGS or prevent another from winning, and just
enjoyethe evening and the pizza, and the lack of killing. Before he left Swinetiger
complimented Nuln on the excellent pizza crust.
DUELMASTER'S COLUMN
Notes from the arena champ.
Greetings my fellow warriors. I would like to start out by thanking 911 for being so
gracious as to give up this warm seat to his better. I look out at all of those that
feel they deserve to be here and I find them sorely lacking. It takes more them just
being able to win a few fights. If just winning fights were all it takes managers
like Rillion, Hombre, and Samwise might be able to hold the throne, but alas they
lack the class factor. I will try my best to maintain class sitting upon this throne
by challenging I Own Indimar. You might want to get use to the idea that I will be
sitting here for a while.
Odalisque the magnificant
SPY REPORT
Greetings, warriors of COLLUSION COVE! Once again I've been called out of
retirement for my abilities and insights into Spyreporting. Biff! Pow! COLLUSION
COVE watched with glee as GENX PERFECT HITS got knocked off top spot by LUROCIANS
T308! Ever take one of those association tests? You know, he says black, you say
white. Water-Lake, Sky-Blue. Try this: Flop. HIT ME WITH...! Ya gotta be quick on
yer feet! Keep your elbow off the table! Thrust! Block out the pain! LUROCIANS
T308 is now ranked 1st with a 5-0-0 turn. What's with BOY GEORGE? It actually beat
DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2's GAZREK, and walked away with 33 more points from the fight.
Laughs were big at MY BEST BUDS 2 while they watched B.C. GOLD clobber PLUM. He lost
16 points and got bruised from objects thrown from the stands. See how the
Duelmaster challenged 4000 BLOWS' I OWN INDIMAR? That sort of initiative is how she
got where she is now. I'm sure COLLUSION COVE is excited about I OWN INDIMAR, the
new Duelmaster from 4000 BLOWS. (remember?) But when you've seen as many as I
have... Advice to fighters with a 1 will--give up fighting!
Speaking of cowardly avoiders and unfair challenges... COLLUSION COVE thinks
ELOQUENT KNIGHTS and their 159-106-8 is too much! If at first you don't succeed,
give up... In my day, no team with a 156-104-8 would scare me off! What's the
problem, 4000 BLOWS? What do people see in VENREK? Its 22-8-0? DEMONS OF DARKNESS
2 ain't talkin', but it's got 106 points. Keep challenging up 26 points, DAY BY DAY,
and I won't have to write about you much longer. VENREK always accepts those kind of
challenges... Sometimes what you expect to do (like in the fights) doesn't expect to
turn out like you thought. DAY BY DAY subdued VENREK. It don't make sense. NOODLY
APPENDIX of PASTAFARIANS knows how to pick 'em. He challenged RESPECT THE PACKAGE of
WILD CARDS who is up by 20. Now was this a wise move? NOODLY APPENDIX perhaps got
his just desserts, seeing as he beat RESPECT THE PACKAGE and ended up with 63
recognition points.
There have been some calls to lengthen the time limit. Do you want the fighters
to walk away, or not? We all knew it had to happen sooner or later. A warrior can't
stick around with a 13-9-0, and BOY GEORGE easily took care of GAZREK.
CHONDROMALACIA of ELOQUENT KNIGHTS didn't know when to quit. When you've got a
7-10-0, that's a good sign. Now he's dead. Death is no stranger to a warrior.
DEATH STUDS VII's HOWLER XIII led a good life before leaving COLLUSION COVE. Many
would be proud to leave behind a 11-4-2. SHMEGMA larned his lesson (SPIRITWALKER
taught it well), and we right likely won't be seein' 'im fight any DREAMTIME members
with the same gusto. Many a warrior has met his fate in a hungover stupor. You
young rapscallions, take note!
Many other cities have retirement homes for aged warriors. Any plans here? The
end of another Spyreport! That's cause for celebration in my book! Remember--a good
fighter needs both good skills and good luck. Until next time,-- Olaf Modeen
DUELMASTER W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
I OWN INDIMAR 8084 13 9 0 119 4000 BLOWS (107)
CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
SPIRITWALKER 8431 12 3 0 127 DREAMTIME (633)
STORM FIRE 7597 9 3 2 125 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
BOY GEORGE 8378 11 6 1 124 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
-SUNSHINE 7593 11 7 0 110 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
DAY BY DAY 8338 10 3 1 109 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
VENREK 7477 22 8 0 106 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
STITCHES 8245 10 9 1 102 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
B.C. GOLD 7787 13 10 0 95 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
PEACH FUZZ 8095 12 8 1 95 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
VENGRAZ 8018 10 3 0 93 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
ODALISQUE 8121 12 4 2 91 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
911 7936 15 14 0 90 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
DEAD ALIVE 8503 8 3 0 87 WILD CARDS (148)
EQUIPOLLENT 8492 9 4 1 84 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
-T MARIE 8522 5 4 1 84 MY PRESENT (637)
CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
FLICKED BOOGERS 6989 18 21 0 83 HIT ME WITH... (503)
VENGANZA 8408 11 7 0 78 PASTAFARIANS (630)
ZOMBIELUST 8181 10 6 0 74 4000 BLOWS (107)
PLUM 8094 9 7 2 73 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
GHNSGFI 8526 7 5 0 73 CLNGE (638)
WILD YOUTH 8296 8 4 0 68 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
CHALLENGER ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
WEKA DART 7979 12 12 2 66 WING HOVE (529)
WILD FLOWER 8443 9 7 0 66 DREAMTIME (633)
ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083 15 14 1 64 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
ACIDULOUS 8384 10 3 0 64 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
NOODLY APPENDIX 8404 9 9 0 63 PASTAFARIANS (630)
ZOMBI 2 8571 6 2 0 63 WILD CARDS (148)
DARIUS 8552 8 3 0 62 LUROCIANS T308 (636)
SHRIVELLED PRUNE 8177 7 9 1 61 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
-DOUBLE D 8523 6 3 2 61 MY PRESENT (637)
BUSTED NUTS 7134 13 19 1 59 HIT ME WITH... (503)
READY, STEADY, GO 8249 6 6 1 59 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
THE AFRICAN QUEEN 8473 6 6 0 59 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
HAWAIIAN KONA 7853 9 10 0 58 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
NAAN VIOLENT 8433 8 4 0 58 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
RESPECT THE PACKAGE 7832 13 12 0 57 WILD CARDS (148)
RYEHARD 8339 9 11 1 57 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
MONKEY PAW 7854 10 8 1 56 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
STAR 8427 10 6 0 56 DREAMTIME (633)
SHAMIKA 8513 9 3 0 56 LUROCIANS T308 (636)
-SETH DRAVEN 8231 7 8 1 56 TPW FOREVER (619)
TWIG 8096 9 9 1 55 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
MASTER EXPLODER 8500 7 4 0 55 4000 BLOWS (107)
-MAITRE BOULANGER 8350 6 3 0 55 LA BOULANGE (626)
SCORN BREAD 8343 11 10 0 54 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
BEAST XVII 8303 8 10 0 54 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
WARM PIRATE 8407 11 7 0 52 PASTAFARIANS (630)
NYSTERIOUS WAYS 8464 10 5 0 52 PASTAFARIANS (630)
KING ROCKER 8246 5 7 0 52 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
GUNPOWDER 8449 8 3 0 51 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
-LE FOURNER 8354 5 6 0 51 LA BOULANGE (626)
PLATO 8550 8 3 0 49 GRECO-ROMAN (639)
VIKI 8261 4 2 0 48 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
HARD CIDER 7981 7 6 1 45 WILD CARDS (148)
SUGAR 8534 7 5 0 45 PURE EVIL (629)
SARDASIA 8512 4 7 0 45 LUROCIANS T308 (636)
SHA'LONDA 8532 5 5 0 43 LUROCIANS T308 (636)
BIOZOMBIE 8607 3 0 0 43 WILD CARDS (148)
SENTINEL 8543 9 1 0 42 CRAZY CREEPS (207)
NIAGARA FALLS 8533 7 5 0 42 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
MCSCROD 8481 4 8 1 40 4000 BLOWS (107)
-JAYSON DAYDE 8545 6 4 1 39 TPW FOREVER (619)
100 PUNKS 8491 6 7 0 39 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
-L'APPRENTI 8351 6 5 0 39 LA BOULANGE (626)
SISTER MOON 8489 5 7 0 38 DREAMTIME (633)
BLACK DEATH 8446 4 7 0 38 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
IJEOOGI 8528 5 6 0 37 CLNGE (638)
CRUCIFIED 8447 5 6 0 37 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
SOCRATES 8547 7 4 0 36 GRECO-ROMAN (639)
ARISTOTLE 8551 6 5 0 35 GRECO-ROMAN (639)
ASP VI 8579 4 2 0 35 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
DOPEY 8566 3 3 0 35 CRAZY CREEPS (207)
ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
BREMEN 8570 6 2 0 34 WING HOVE (529)
CHALLENGER INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
DESEARTES 8560 6 3 0 33 GRECO-ROMAN (639)
MISS PIGGY 8544 5 6 2 33 CRAZY CREEPS (207)
SHMEGMA 8502 5 6 1 33 HIT ME WITH... (503)
-TIFFERS 8520 4 4 0 33 MY PRESENT (637)
HARUSPEX 8559 7 3 0 32 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
JOHNNY 8511 5 6 0 31 LUROCIANS T308 (636)
GLITTERDOOM 8585 3 1 0 31 DRAGON FLIGHT (640)
GALILEO 8548 6 5 1 30 GRECO-ROMAN (639)
IICERGS 8524 4 7 0 30 CLNGE (638)
-LEATHAM 8519 2 5 0 30 MY PRESENT (637)
FEZ 7878 5 10 0 29 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
-DGA 8562 2 5 0 29 MY PRESENT (637)
SCARLET ABATTOIR 8474 6 6 0 28 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
THE EX 8436 5 12 1 28 PURE EVIL (629)
MRS. ROBINSON 8573 3 4 2 28 CRAZY CREEPS (207)
SPAM 8587 4 2 1 25 PURE EVIL (629)
INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
BLUE ICE 8578 3 4 0 23 HIT ME WITH... (503)
-SEL DUMB 8487 3 0 0 23 FUNKY FOLK (565)
-TAKE ANOTHER SHOT 8558 4 3 0 22 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
PERFECT SNOTLING 8403 1 2 0 22 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
TEMPE FACER SCROD 8506 4 8 1 21 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
TOGS CHOKER 8561 4 5 0 21 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
EYE SPY 8596 3 2 1 21 THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
-ONLYFORTOGS 8601 2 0 0 21 TPW FOREVER (619)
-MERGANDEVIN 8582 1 1 0 21 DRAGON FLIGHT (640)
MANHATTAN PROJECT 8450 4 7 1 20 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
AGMOUR 8568 4 4 0 20 4000 BLOWS (107)
WHITE WOLF IX 8593 1 4 0 18 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
CROP CIRCLE 8577 3 4 0 17 PASTAFARIANS (630)
SQUEEZE THE LEMONS 8569 4 4 0 16 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
VIC TOREE 8598 2 2 0 16 FUNKY FOLK (565)
-TOWER 7892 2 0 0 16 LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)
-FLIMSY 8604 1 0 0 16 JGW PERISABLE! (641)
I IN THE SKY 8588 2 2 0 15 THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
POLITICIAN 8586 4 2 0 14 PURE EVIL (629)
STINK I 8572 2 4 0 14 THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
TONTO 8580 3 3 0 13 CRAZY CREEPS (207)
-ANGALANDER 8581 1 0 0 13 DRAGON FLIGHT (640)
-DAN GLING 8554 1 1 0 13 FUNKY FOLK (565)
-BREAKABLE 8606 1 0 0 11 JGW PERISABLE! (641)
MGGIOJI 8591 2 3 0 9 CLNGE (638)
TOGS DIXIE2 8610 1 1 0 9 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
WRECKING CROUTON 8600 2 1 0 8 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
LITTLE AYE 8620 1 0 0 8 THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
BRITTLE 8605 1 1 0 8 JGW PERISABLE! (641)
-SOLIDUS 7895 1 0 0 8 LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)
-ICING DEATH 8584 0 1 0 7 DRAGON FLIGHT (640)
-HEPHAESTUS 8583 0 2 0 6 DRAGON FLIGHT (640)
-LOVITA 7891 1 2 0 5 LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)
BCS 8609 1 1 0 5 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
-GETHSEMANE 7894 1 1 0 5 LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)
ROAD TRIP 8611 1 1 0 4 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
-JIMMY PITT 8595 0 4 0 4 TPW FOREVER (619)
-SAND 7893 0 2 0 3 LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)
ZOMBIE XXIX 8623 0 1 0 1 DEATH STUDS VII (301)
PIE I 8619 0 1 0 1 THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
BROTHER WOLF 8622 0 1 0 1 DREAMTIME (633)
'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.
THE DEAD W L K TEAM NAME SLAIN BY TURN Revenge?
GILMMAO 8525 3 7 0 CLNGE 638 MRS. ROBINSON 8573 445
SGHGGMI 8624 0 1 0 CLNGE 638 JORGE BLACK ORC 446 NONE
HOWLER XIII 8302 11 4 2 DEATH STUDS VII 301 STORM FIRE 7597 446
GAZREK 7858 13 9 0 DEMONS OF DARKNE 430 BOY GEORGE 8378 446
ILLUMINATI 8599 0 2 0 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP 634 SPAM 8587 444
EDIE 8429 5 10 0 DREAMTIME 633 SHMEGMA 8502 445 JUST REVENGED
CHONDROMALACIA 8432 7 10 0 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS 518 WEKA DART 7979 446
JOHN DARVIE 8612 0 1 0 FUNKY FOLK 565 ARNIE SHEW 446 NONE
THE BUNISHER 8341 10 3 1 HOUSE OF GRAIN 625 T MARIE 8522 443
CANIDIEPLEASE 8621 0 1 0 JGW PERISABLE! 641 STONE GOLEM 446 NONE
DOUBLE CHOCOLAIN 8461 4 5 0 LA BOULANGE 626 READY, STEADY, G 8249 443
MORALIST 8616 0 1 0 NIHILISTIC ENDEA 642 STONE GOLEM 446 NONE
ICE CREAM SOLDIE 8471 1 10 0 NO HAMMER HAMMER 635 GALILEO 8548 445
JOKER 8575 3 4 0 PURE EVIL 629 MISS PIGGY 8544 446
PAR 8297 8 5 1 WING HOVE 529 STITCHES 8245 442 NOT REVENGED
PERSONAL ADS
Pecan Joe -- I thought it was some of my best work, but I got NOTHING! -- Master
Darque
Samwise -- Crucified v. Niagra Falls, now that was a bout for the ages. I was
hanging on everyline reading that fight! Will have to give a little strategy tweak
and we can try that again! -- Master Darque
Chondromalacia -- I've been trying to get that fight for a while now. It was a lot
closer than I wanted it to be, but still an enjoyable fight. -- Gunpowder
FONZ = Frauleins Of Notable Zest.
Fiends Overdosing Nearing Zania
The Crazy Creeps Scribe
Tidbits from the International Award Winning Aradi Free Press:
We are not a gang!
Sell The Big Lie.
Mother Superior jumped the gun.
Quality Patty time.
Staying Alive. Staying Alive.
Threepeat becomes passe. Fourpeat is impossible.
That's just an act for those dimwits at FONZ.
That Mannequin is one touchy guy.
Counting his spotlight chicken hatched before he even writes it.
I don't think 7-2-3 dodge is going to get it done.
Nuln and Soultaker really look cool in their FONZ-suits.
Editor, IAWAFP
And the composition awards from The International Award-Winning Aradi Free Press are:
Gold Crown (best) tie Muggings (Soultaker)
Gold Crown (best) tie Muggings (Death Stud)
Silver Scarf (next best) Mojo (Mannequin)
Bronze Pasties Prop A Gander (M. Darque)
Tin Cup (not so best) Excuse (Rillion)
Wear your prizes with pride and joy. -- Editor, IAWAFP
As expected, in an act of pure collusion, retiring 911 threw the Title fight to
Odalisque. This type of belittling and deceiving action from the noxious and needy
FONZ is purely disgusting. -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe
Death Stud - What is a sunsuweach? Is it like a chief officer in FONZ? -- The Crazy
Creeps Scribe
Elephant -- Thank you for the "thank you". Never fear, there are more Tin Cups where
that one came from, and you would seem like a favorite for many more. -- Editor,
IAWAFP
OK, all; let's get this clear. Any manager who can get ALL five challenges through
deserves a top notch award. What a feat! It is insignificant that said manager
could only win one of the challenges. After all, The Aradi Enquirer is initiating
false but hurtful rumors about him. Let's give the master, The Crazy Creepster, a
big hand. -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe
Gilmmao -- I guess I took all you had to offer. But you kicked the bucket in
ecstasy. What a way to go! -- Mrs. Robinson (stretching those long, lovely legs)
Wild Flower -- You are a discriminator and a meanie to little folk everywhere. Why,
you should be in FONZ. -- Sentinel
Warm Pirate -- You took all I had and all I could give, and you showed me who is
boss. I salute you. (Please don't tell the other dwarfs. Well, it is ok to tell
Death Stud.) -- Dopey
Biozombie -- That was really, really unfair of you. That was MY show. You are
a,.....What was it Death Stud called people like that? Oh a sunsuweach. So there!
-- Miss Piggy
Iicergs -- Me drinkem too much fire water. Me fight bad. You kickem my totempole.
Ugh. -- Tonto
Just a friendly wish of luck to all TOGsers at The Face. May your warriors die often
and painfully. -- Crazy Creeps everywhere
Ed. -- Do you realize that you censored the words "Apple pie"? What's next, "Mom"?
"The American flag"? "4th of July"? "Freedom and justice for all"? -- Snotman
Thank you for the suggestions. -- Ed.
Sorry there, EX! -- Nysterious
White Wolf -- Not as easy as you thought, eh? I am on a roll. -- Crop Circle
Dopey -- AHAAAHHAAAAAHAAAAHHAAAAAHHAAAAAAHAA...no stop, my sides are hurting...
HAAAAHHAAAAAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, can't breathe..... TP beats AB by punching him...
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.... -- Warm Pirate
100 Punks -- Well that didn't work out like I had planned. -- Sardasia
Scarlett -- Well now I'm 0-2 versus you. I guess I should stop trying. -- Johnny
Sentinel -- Hey those are my ads above. Trying to make it easy on you. -- TGG
Nuln and other TOGS participants -- Do not fret. Even though I'd love to put a
monkey-wrench into some of the participants' chances to win this contest I will not
challenge into the contest. Consider this a promise to all TOGSers. -- JGW
Aradi -- TEAM THREEPEAT AND TEAM NUTSACKZ ARE RUNNING AWAY WITH THIS CONTEST! WE
CAN'T ALLOW THAT!!!! -- an observant neutral party
Death Stud and Soultaker -- I'm sorry you had another subpar turn. I truly am. --
Samwise
Snotman -- Did you really have to gut me? That hurt quite a bit. I'm sure we could
have resolved our issue over a mug of ale. -- Samwise (the scarred)
Death Stud -- Thank you for your words of encouragement. Given the fact that you
know how I feel about PL, PR, PS, and WS that doesn't exactly leave me with a lot of
options does it? Here's to success with 9 DF AB! -- Samwise
Hey, is TOGS still running? I am not saying I'm not paying attention or nothing,
but, uh, Dwayne was probably right to bag me in the eginning. -- TigToad
Hey, I have a winning record. Sad, guys. -- TigToad
The Creepster and Sluggy are ready to charge to the top. Watch out. -- Slugbait
Death Stud -- Nice job chumping the last couple of turns to make it look like there
isn't any colluding going on...I'm sure everyone is fooled. ;) -- Anti
Ed. -- Alllllllmooooost there. :) -- Anti
Horseshoes and hand grenades. -- Ed.
All -- Wow, is this what it is like to get your butt handed to ya? -- Soultaker
Elephant -- I wrote a spot!! You know we'll lose by just under 22.5 points right?
-- Hombre
All -- Ok, did anyone else NOT know the multiplier rounds started already? -- Hombre
Slugbait -- Don't knock it 'til you try it.... -- Death Stud
Nuln Master -- It was just a thought. -- Lowly Tallyer
Samwise -- RE: your challenges. Yeah, you heard me! -- Death Stud
B.C. Gold - As matchups go, I was happy enough with that one until although the
result was not nearly as pleasant as I'd have preferred. -- Beast
Twig -- Owie, eh? -- Howler
King Rocker -- I did everything I was supposed to and against a more experienced
warrior until you got that lucky riposte. Next time, my pretty. -- Asp
Darque -- How many more turns do we have left to crush these people? -- Pip
FONZ = Fantastically Outstanding and Nimble Zillionaires
Mannequin -- Don't worry, your secret is safe with me. I would never mention in a
public forum like the newsletter that you managed the top basher in the arena. I've
already started a collection fund from every warrior that's lost to Plum, & the
proceeds will be donated to a new Center for Non-Violence that is opening in town. --
Nuln, always glad to help
Hawaiian Kona -- How rude, beating me on my own challenge. I was told you'd be all
mellow and groovy and just let me get the jump. What, did you run out of "produce?"
-- Master Exploder
Boy George -- Knowing how your manager is such a keen fan of decise, you probably
don't want to know what my rating is, so I won't tell you. But I must say it was a
sheer joy planting you in the sand; you have caused me, and countless others I'm
sure, innumerable nightmares. -- I Own Indimar, on the road to recovery
Elephant -- Holy Scrodballs, that was pfrickin' pfunny, with a capital 'PF.' I'm
putting you at the top of my Spotflix cue. -- Nuln, not coincidentally a huge Beat-
uhls fan
Venrek -- I tell ya, I've had enough of you and your stable's 'reks' and 'riks' and
what not. I would say revenge will be mine, except we both know that'd be a lie. --
Zombielust
FONZ = Freakishly Omnipotent New Zealanders
Snotman -- Damn, thanks for saving our biscuits with that 5-0. If I didn't already
worship Khorne I might have to build you a temple. Now, what to do with these
biscuits.... -- Nuln
Gravy? Do zombies do gravy? -- Ed.
Chondromalacia -- Uh, technically you did lead the dance. Then I riposted you and
smacked you silly, remember? Might I suggest a wit train? -- Zombielust, still
reveling in the sweet memory of it all
Soultaker -- "You all can eat cake and bark at the moon?" Why what a sweet and
strange thing to say, thank you. I would have thought you'd be in a grumpy mood
after collapsing the past two turns like a BOB manager. -- Nuln, touched
Death Cud -- I'd just like to confirm that yes, it is like that. Some might tell you
(Manager) that it's like this, but no, it actually is like that. If you need more
confirmation on this (or that), just let me know. -- Nuln, again, glad to help
P.S. I approve of Soultaker and your new strategy; stick with it, I'm sure you can
achieve a perfect 0-10 if you *really* try. The eyes of Aradi are on you, don't let
us down!
Asp -- Uh, yeah. -- Agmour
Manhattan Project -- I got a new project for you; it's called "The Scimitar to Your
Face Project." Get back to me on that one. -- Agmour
Anti -- You actually wrote three personals if my simple arithmetic still serves me,
but I understand and hear your pain. Ah, I remember the days when I'd feel bad if I
hadn't written 47 personals. How times have changed. Chin up, lad. -- Nuln
Acidulous -- BOOM! Outta here. -- Day By Day
Asp VI -- Our fight started a little different than what I expected. The end result
was the same. I think you're an up and coming fighter for sure. -- King Rocker
LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS
JOHN DARVIE was dealt death by ARNIE SHEW in a 2 minute bloody Dark Arena fight.
CANIDIEPLEASE was slaughtered by STONE GOLEM in a 3 minute gruesome Dark Arena battle.
SGHGGMI was murdered by JORGE BLACK ORC in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
MORALIST was slaughtered by STONE GOLEM in a 3 minute Dark Arena brawl.
SPIRITWALKER devastated SHMEGMA in a 1 minute one-sided Bloodfeud fight.
BCS was demolished by SPAM in a 1 minute mismatched Bloodfeud competition.
MGGIOJI was vanquished by MRS. ROBINSON in a 1 minute mismatched Bloodfeud fight.
DAY BY DAY overpowered VENREK in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge brawl.
ODALISQUE was overpowered by I OWN INDIMAR in a 1 minute uneven Challenge Title melee.
BOY GEORGE slaughtered GAZREK in a 1 minute gory uneven Challenge duel.
B.C. GOLD vanquished PLUM in a 1 minute gory one-sided Challenge duel.
ZOMBIELUST was overpowered by STITCHES in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge melee.
WILD YOUTH was demolished by PEACH FUZZ in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge match.
VENGRAZ handily defeated FLICKED BOOGERS in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge contest.
VENGANZA devastated HAWAIIAN KONA in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge bout.
GUNPOWDER was handily defeated by GHNSGFI in a 1 minute uneven Challenge fight.
100 PUNKS was overpowered by THE AFRICAN QUEEN in a 1 minute Challenge struggle.
DARIUS bested RYEHARD in a crowd pleasing 1 minute Challenge brawl.
CHONDROMALACIA was assassinated by WEKA DART in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
ZOMBI 2 beat NYSTERIOUS WAYS in a 2 minute Challenge bout.
NIAGARA FALLS was savagely defeated by READY, STEADY, GO in a 1 minute fight.
WILD FLOWER devastated TWIG in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
SHRIVELLED PRUNE won victory over WARM PIRATE in a 2 minute veteran's Challenge match.
SENTINEL unbelievably bested IJEOOGI in a crowd pleasing 3 minute gory Challenge fray.
MONKEY PAW demolished DOPEY in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
CRUCIFIED was vanquished by PLATO in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge match.
NOODLY APPENDIX vanquished RESPECT THE PACKAGE in a 1 minute Challenge fight.
SHA'LONDA vanquished AGMOUR in a action packed 1 minute uneven Challenge bout.
SARDASIA overpowered SCARLET ABATTOIR in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fray.
TONTO was vanquished by BLACK DEATH in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
JOHNNY luckily beat BLUE ICE in a action packed 3 minute Challenge duel.
SQUEEZE THE LEMONS was overpowered by DESEARTES in a 3 minute Challenge match.
ROAD TRIP was luckily beaten by TOGS CHOKER in a 1 minute Challenge bout.
WHITE WOLF IX subdued WRECKING CROUTON in a 2 minute beginner's Challenge contest.
I IN THE SKY was overpowered by ASP VI in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge struggle.
STORM FIRE murdered HOWLER XIII in a action packed 1 minute one-sided struggle.
MGRWONTHE1STTOGS! defeated 911 in a 2 minute veteran's match.
EQUIPOLLENT handily defeated ZIG-ZAG MAN in a 1 minute uneven match.
DEAD ALIVE overpowered VETERAN MERCENARY in a 1 minute gory uneven bout.
BUSTED NUTS slimly lost to NAAN VIOLENT in a crowd pleasing 1 minute gruesome match.
ACIDULOUS overpowered SISTER MOON in a 2 minute one-sided fight.
STAR won victory over BEAST XVII in a exciting 3 minute master's duel.
SCORN BREAD handily defeated PERFECT SNOTLING in a 1 minute mismatched duel.
VIKI overpowered FEZ in a crowd pleasing 1 minute one-sided brawl.
KING ROCKER overcame IICERGS in a exciting 2 minute conflict.
HARD CIDER was beaten by SHAMIKA in a 2 minute brutal fight.
MASTER EXPLODER overpowered GALILEO in a 1 minute gory one-sided duel.
BIOZOMBIE handily defeated THE EX in a 1 minute mismatched bout.
SUGAR viciously subdued SOCRATES in a monotonous 10 minute bloody match.
ARISTOTLE beat TEMPE FACER SCROD in a exciting 1 minute battle.
HARUSPEX outlasted POLITICIAN in a unpopular 33 minute bout.
MCSCROD devastated MANHATTAN PROJECT in a 1 minute one-sided conflict.
BREMEN devastated CROP CIRCLE in a crowd pleasing 1 minute gory one-sided battle.
GLITTERDOOM bested STINK I in a exciting 3 minute match.
JOKER was butchered by MISS PIGGY in a 1 minute one-sided brawl.
BRITTLE was narrowly defeated by EYE SPY in a popular 3 minute gory amateur's duel.
TOGS DIXIE2 viciously subdued PIE I in a exciting 5 minute brutal amateur's conflict.
VIC TOREE overpowered BROTHER WOLF in a 1 minute one-sided duel.
LITTLE AYE overcame ZOMBIE XXIX in a popular 3 minute bloody amateur's battle.
BATTLE REPORT
MOST POPULAR RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS
|FIGHTING STYLE FIGHTS FIGHTING STYLE W - L - K PERCENT|
|STRIKING ATTACK 31 STRIKING ATTACK 200 - 154 - 9 56 |
|LUNGING ATTACK 21 PARRY-STRIKE 21 - 19 - 0 53 |
|AIMED BLOW 14 PARRY-RIPOSTE 8 - 8 - 0 50 |
|TOTAL PARRY 13 AIMED BLOW 65 - 66 - 3 50 |
|SLASHING ATTACK 11 TOTAL PARRY 88 - 90 - 0 49 |
|WALL OF STEEL 9 WALL OF STEEL 48 - 53 - 3 48 |
|BASHING ATTACK 8 SLASHING ATTACK 53 - 62 - 1 46 |
|PARRY-STRIKE 4 LUNGING ATTACK 104 - 124 - 4 46 |
|PARRY-LUNGE 2 PARRY-LUNGE 10 - 14 - 0 42 |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE 0 BASHING ATTACK 31 - 48 - 6 39 |
Turn 446 was great if you Not so great if you used The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles: the fighting styles: top eleven warriors are:
PARRY-STRIKE 3 - 1 LUNGING ATTACK 10 - 11 6 STRIKING ATTACK
STRIKING ATTACK 17 - 14 SLASHING ATTACK 5 - 6 2 TOTAL PARRY
TOTAL PARRY 7 - 6 BASHING ATTACK 3 - 5 2 AIMED BLOW
AIMED BLOW 7 - 7 WALL OF STEEL 3 - 6 1 SLASHING ATTACK
PARRY-LUNGE 0 - 2
PARRY-RIPOSTE 0 - 0
TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE
FIGHTING STYLE WARRIOR W L K PNTS TEAM NAME
STRIKING ATTACK I OWN INDIMAR 8084 13 9 0 119 4000 BLOWS (107)
AIMED BLOW DAY BY DAY 8338 10 3 1 109 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
TOTAL PARRY VENREK 7477 22 8 0 106 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
SLASHING ATTACK PEACH FUZZ 8095 12 8 1 95 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
LUNGING ATTACK DEAD ALIVE 8503 8 3 0 87 WILD CARDS (148)
BASHING ATTACK PLUM 8094 9 7 2 73 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
WALL OF STEEL ACIDULOUS 8384 10 3 0 64 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
PARRY-STRIKE PLATO 8550 8 3 0 49 GRECO-ROMAN (639)
PARRY-LUNGE NIAGARA FALLS 8533 7 5 0 42 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.
The overall popularity leader is ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083. The most popular warrior this
turn was TOGS DIXIE2 8610. The ten other most popular fighters were BEAST XVII 8303,
KING ROCKER 8246, GLITTERDOOM 8585, READY, STEADY, GO 8249, IJEOOGI 8528, BLUE ICE
8578, EYE SPY 8596, LITTLE AYE 8620, MORALIST 8616, and WRECKING CROUTON 8600.
The least popular fighter this week was POLITICIAN 8586. The other ten least popular
fighters were HARUSPEX 8559, SUGAR 8534, SOCRATES 8547, SQUEEZE THE LEMONS 8569,
BROTHER WOLF 8622, PIE I 8619, JOKER 8575, STINK I 8572, MANHATTAN PROJECT 8450, and
TEMPE FACER SCROD 8506.
The following warriors will travel to AD after next turn:
VENREK (60-7477) DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
The following warriors have traveled to AD after fighting this turn:
MGRWONTHE1STTOGS! (60-8618) SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)