DUEL 2 NEWSLETTER Date : 07/25/2008 Duedate: 08/07/2008 COLLUSION COVE ARENA DM-60 TURN-447 This Weeks Top Honors THE DUELMASTER IS I OWN INDIMAR 4000 BLOWS (107) (60-8084) [14-9-0,132] Chartered Recognition Leader Unchartered Recognition Leader BOY GEORGE GLITTERDOOM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) DRAGON FLIGHT (640) (60-8378) [12-6-1,136] (60-8585) [4-1-0,56] Popularity Leader This Weeks Favorite ZIG-ZAG MAN DEAD ALIVE MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) WILD CARDS (148) (60-7083) [16-14-1,68] (60-8503) [8-4-0,90] THE CURRENT TOP TEAM DREAMTIME (633) TEAMS ON THE MOVE TOP CAREER HONORS Team Name Point Gain Chartered Team 1. NIHILISTIC ENDEAVOR (642) 54 2. DEATH STUDS VII (301) 48 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) 3. 4000 BLOWS (107) 48 Unchartered Team 4. CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) 39 5. PURE EVIL (629) 38 DRAGON FLIGHT (640) The Top Teams Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K 1/ 1 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) 163 107 8 60.4 1/ 9 DREAMTIME (633) 10 5 0 2/ 2 GRECO-ROMAN (639) 36 24 1 60.0 2/11 4000 BLOWS (107) 9 6 0 3/ 3 DEATH STUDS VII (301) 541 431 20 55.7 3/13 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) 9 6 0 4/ 4 CRAZY CREEPS (207) 619 504 23 55.1 4/ 4 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) 9 6 0 5/ 5 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) 52 43 8 54.7 5/ 1 LUROCIANS T308 (636) 9 6 0 6/12 DREAMTIME (633) 45 39 0 53.6 6/12 CRAZY CREEPS (207) 8 7 2 7/ 7 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 253 224 14 53.0 7/ 6 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) 8 7 2 8/ 8 WILD CARDS (148) 812 723 34 52.9 8/ 5 GRECO-ROMAN (639) 8 7 1 9-10 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) 48 43 2 52.7 9/ 2 WILD CARDS (148) 8 7 0 10/ 6 LUROCIANS T308 (636) 33 30 0 52.4 10/ 7 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 8 7 0 11/ 9 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) 37 34 2 52.1 11/ 8 PASTAFARIANS (630) 8 7 0 12/11 PASTAFARIANS (630) 49 46 0 51.6 12/10 PURE EVIL (629) 7 7 0 13/13*DRAGON FLIGHT (640) 6 6 0 50.0 13/14 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) 7 8 0 14-14*LATHE OF HEAVEN (603) 5 5 0 50.0 14/ 3 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 7 8 0 15/32*NIHILISTIC ENDEAVO (642) 3 3 0 50.0 15/20 DEATH STUDS VII (301) 6 9 0 16-16 SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586) 48 49 3 49.5 16/19 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) 5 5 0 17/17 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) 123 126 5 49.4 17/18 HIT ME WITH... (503) 5 8 1 18/18 4000 BLOWS (107) 719 789 32 47.7 18/23 CLNGE (638) 5 10 0 Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K 19/21 PURE EVIL (629) 44 49 3 47.3 19/17 TPW FOREVER (619) 4 5 0 20/19 WING HOVE (529) 134 153 7 46.7 20/16 FUNKY FOLK (565) 4 5 0 21/20 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 93 107 4 46.5 21/26*JGW PERISABLE! (641) 4 7 0 22/25 HIT ME WITH... (503) 91 113 4 44.6 22/21 THE EYES HAVE IT (632) 4 11 0 23/22 TPW FOREVER (619) 45 56 4 44.6 23-24 SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586) 3 1 1 24/27 FUNKY FOLK (565) 75 107 10 41.2 24/28*DRAGON FLIGHT (640) 3 1 0 25/29 CLNGE (638) 24 37 0 39.3 25/25 WING HOVE (529) 3 3 1 26/31 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) 23 36 1 39.0 26/30*NIHILISTIC ENDEAVO (642) 3 3 0 27/28 THE EYES HAVE IT (632) 26 41 1 38.8 27-27 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) 3 6 0 28/26 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) 23 37 1 38.3 28/22 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) 3 12 0 29/15*JGW PERISABLE! (641) 4 7 0 36.4 29-32*LATHE OF HEAVEN (603) 0 1 0 '*' Unchartered team '-' Team did not fight this turn (###) Avoid teams by their Team Id ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank TEAM SPOTLIGHT + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ****Devil's Workshop Turn 12**** ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + The Good, the Bad, and the FONZies "That will show them," I thought as I hammered the last nail into place. There was no way zombies were going to break into my guild house and eat my brain. I didn't have much to spare, and the idea of a mindless FONZ drone trying to nibble on my scalp was not the most pleasant of thoughts. It had already happened to me once before, but they put that guy in jail, and I believe gave him a cell beside R. Kelly. So, I decided to barricade my guild house and protect what was mine. The fact that I had put up the barriers on the windows and doors before my gladiators made it in was of no consequence to me. Also, I had accidentally sealed myself in my guild house with some old guy. Why he was in my guild house anyway? Others had noticed the increased zombie sightings and missing people in Aradi. It had all started down at the docks, but soon spread in to the respectable parts of the city. No one was quite sure who was behind the increased zombie activity, but people had their suspicions. Grandpa was one of them, but he really didn't like it when we called him grandpa. "Around these here parts people call me Creepster," he was often quoted as saying in a rather irate voice. For the most part, Grandpa was a nice man who liked best of all to cure insomnia with long stories. His story today was not the slumber inducing type though, he had an idea where the zombies were coming from in Aradi. "FONZ! It has got to be the FONZ behind all these zombies." "What proof do you have to make such a bold accusation?" I asked. I saw the fire flash in his eyes at the question. I didn't have the time today to argue with him, so I tried to change the subject really quickly, but nothing was coming to me. I looked around the room for an idea before he began his diatribe to me about respecting my elders, shutting up while he was talking, changing his Depends in a timely manner, and the good old days were just better for no other reason than he remembers them better than he does anything that happened last week. I braced myself for what I thought was going to be a long-winded, spittle-laden rant, when it happened. There was a thump on the barricaded door to the guild house. Both of us turned to look at the blocked door and the gentle thumping sound coming from the outside. "What was that," I asked. "Is it the zombies?" I went to the door and pressed my ear against the plywood sheet, the three-quarter inch shield that was keeping my brain from becoming a slurpie for a zombie. All I could hear was a low rumbling gurgle on the other side. Surely the zombies are here I thought! Having long ago decided that I was going to die with some dignity, I hid myself behind The Creepster. He was old, but a meat shield is a meat shield and zombies were NOT known to be picky eaters when it came to brains. It was then the thumps on the door grew progressively worse until finally the whole guild house was rattling as the zombies tried to break through the barriers I had erected. We both huddled in the corner and waited for the inevitable. We were sure the zombies would burst through the door and swarm us! What chance would we have against a countless horde of mindless abominations? Mindless abominations, huh, maybe the FONZ is behind the zombies after all. I apologized to Grandpa/Creepster for doubting him before. As I finished my act of contrition, a hand barreled through the plywood over the door. I hunkered down and waited for the impending doom, making sure Creepster was in front of me. Sure, I was going to die, but no need to rush up to the front of the death train with pointless heroics. However, the horror that came through the door was worse than either of us could have imagined. "Hi, we are from the Church of Latter Day Fonzies! Have you ever thought of giving your eternal soul to FONZ? Sure you have, let me show you how!" the young man said, followed by countless others pouring through the now broken door. They were all dressed in white button up shirts with black pants. Each also wore a name tag and pink leg-warmers. "FONZINARIES!!!" Creepster screamed and fell over clutching his chest. The horror was just too much for his old heart to take. I looked around for anything that I could use as a weapon. I prayed for zombies to arrive and eat my brain, but no such luck! I finally found a spoon that one of my gladiators had left in the foyer, they were such slobs. It wasn't much, but it was all that I had at the moment. The FONZinary began his opening again and was now focused upon me. Before he could finish, I took the spoon and shoved it into my ear! The pain was excruciating and everything was beginning to go black. The FONZinary's voice was distant and fading out more and more each moment. People will later ask why I chose to shove a spoon in my ear rather than be converted to the Church of Latter Day FONZies. My explanation in the next life will be simple. "If I was going to experience that much pain, I was going to do it to myself." + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ UNFAIR JUDGEMENT ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + A Crazy Creeps TOGS Almost-Done Presentation "We have to do something about this!" urged the Crazy Creeps Scribe. "It is simply unfair to you two guys! It is." She was, of course addressing The Creepster and Slugbait about the situation in Aradi whereby they, the two good guys, were being accused of participating in the backstabbing and mugging of Mister Soultaker and Master Death Stud. There had been various newsletters published (Thankfully the IAWAFP had not published the speculative information due to its inadequate support and verification. That was the only truthful publication left in Aradi. The other rags were, of course, FONZ controlled and dictated.) indicating that both The Creepster and Slugbait were in on the muggings along with all the other managers in Aradi. Not true. Not true at all. "Not fair. Me got alibi. Boss too. Good alibi. Me smash em!" replied Slugbait, forgetting for the moment that he was no longer in the head-bashing business. "Me make tell true. Cowards!" "Yippy ki yi alibi bye bye bim bam boneronious! Sicko wicko wacky FONZerific cheaping chopping scuzzball willy wally woe!" spouted The Crazy Creepster. "I know. I know," The Crazy Creeps Scribe replied. "I will get something done about this." And off she hustled, in her skin-tight white capri pants, to take on the task of The Unfair Judgement. Both Slugbait and The Creepster enjoyed watching her wiggle off, knowing a determined Scribe would overcome all odds. More importantly, she would look mighty mighty fine doing so. After she left, Slugbait took his leave to get back to his new "problem-solving business" and The Creepster returned to his coloring book and favorite Crayolas. (An interesting and little- known fact is that the Creepster's favorite color is yellow.) The first thing The Crazy Creeps Scribe did was to check out the two C.O.L.L.U.S.I.O.N. managers' alibis. They had allegedly been in Fratsfa visiting at The Flower Shoppe, establishing a contact between Lady Fern, manager of The Flower Girls, and Slugbait. The Creepster, a member of The Consortium, was great friends with Lady Fern. Indeed, Slugbait had been granted an Aradi business representative status (e.g. pimp) for The Flower Girls. Lady Fern and two of her Flower Girls were willing to testify in court as to both Slugbait and The Creepster being with them in Fratsfa at the time of the alleged muggings. They were both evaluating the Flower Girl's wares. (Slugbait twice.) The Crazy Creep's Scribe was also able to acquire copies of the transportation tickets for both managers, further assuring their innocence. Clearly these two fine managers had not been a party to the alleged Soultaker/Death Stud muggings. Next The Scribe investigated the actual occurrences of that night. Amazingly enough, (Well, not so amazing to most.) she found that the muggings had not actually occurred at all, but were rather another FONZ (Faking Orchestrators Now Zots) collusion scam. She was able to acquire evidence, most from her friends and associates in the Aradi Police Force that the alleged muggings had not occurred and were a publicity stunt initiated by Hombre, Snotman, Samwise and Nuln of The FONZ. (Faithless Oafs Nearly Zeroes) The truth was that silly Soultaker and short-stuff Death Stud had a falling-out leading to a rather serious fight between themselves. After becoming inebriated at the local pub, and egged on by SHNS (Snotman, Hombre, Nuln, Samwise), the two THREECHEAT partners took it outside. Minuscule Stud drew his needle-like short sword, and Soultaker pulled out his wet noodle and they went after each other with serious gusto. (Wasn't that a sight for sore eyes?) SHNS called the police after the two dimwits had scratched each other up and collapsed from exhaustion and inebriation. SHNS offered the police the hoax that all the managers from Aradi, some who had run away from the scene of the crime, had participated in a big brawl, started by short Stud and simple Soultaker. (The police were skeptical since none of SHNS looked the least like they had participated in a battle, and were having a hard time keeping from laughing as they told the story. The next day, all the FONZ-controlled liberal rags and magazines had the story BACKSTABBING BATTLE, FONZ MEMBERS MUGGED BY FRIENDS AND FOES. But, once again, The Crazy Creeps Scribe had found the truth. But what to do about it now? The Scribe reported back to Slugbait and The Creepster with copies of the proof, and they had a powwow. In the end, they decided to do nothing other than to keep copies of the evidence and let the story continue to circulate. After all, no one really did like either tiny, autocratic, and pompous Death Stud and not-so-tiny, mean, and manipulative Soultaker. Another success and closure for The Crazy Creeps Scribe. Another proof of collusion by the FONZ. (Freaking Oxlike Neanderthal Cliches) All was normal in Aradi. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + ----- ----- ----- [Samwise the Bald ] ----- ----- ---- When we last saw our hero, Death Stud, he had just successfully flirted with Bertha. Rather than subject the general TOGS public to the gruesome details, this writer will merely summarize the details and provide the TOGS masses with a "Top Ten" list of moments during the very early part of the Death Stud-Bertha courtship as it has developed over the past several weeks. Keep in mind; these are merely the Top Ten, according to this writer. I would dare say that our not-so-discreet couple has had many a moment that has attracted attention. I would invite the other denizens of Aradi to share any moments they observed in the personal ads section of next turn's newsletter. Alas, I have tarried too long and used up only ten lines of my spotlight at this point. So, without further adieu, in order from great to greatest: Top Ten Moments of the Death Stud-Bertha Romantic Story of a Lifetime (to date): 10. Bertha needs stitches after waking to discover she had nearly smothered Death Stud during the night. In his desperation to escape, he tried to chew his way out. 9. Bertha wakes up, rolls over, and discovers Death Stud is stuck. Yeah, there. 8. Bertha is spotted around Aradi, walking with Death Stud nestled comfortably and safely in her cleavage. He uses her chest hair as a blankey. 7. Death Stud is hospitalized after being beaten by a small mob. He attempted to save Bertha from an angry mob of villagers chasing the ogress. 6. Bertha wins the weekly "Midget Toss" contest at the Crotchety Crab. Death Stud is the tossed. 5. Bertha becomes a local star of the Aradi Wrestling Federation. Wrestling under the name, "The Revolting Blob," she captures the World Heavyweight Title. Her manager is a diminutive sort known as "El Nino." 4. Death Stud wins a local eating contest. Mysteriously, he sits at even height with the table without a booster seat. Bertha is nowhere to be seen. 3. Bertha quits her dishwashing job at the Crotchety Crab. Samwise is so upset, he attempts to buy back her services with a gift of a large sum of money to Death Stud. He is seen stating, "Thank You!" over and over as he shakes Death Stud's hand to the point that his shoulder is dislocated. 2. Death Stud and Bertha run for their lives at the beach. Apparently, the crowd mistook Bertha for something else and tried to help her back into the water. 1. Death Stud proposes to Bertha on a double date with Patty the Fatty and Soultaker. Death Stud does not do same on one knee. It would be hard to propose to Bertha's hairy toes. He does so from Soultaker's shoulders and is nearly able to look Bertha in the eyes. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ MY BEST BUDS 2 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + A return to Fant-ARADI-sy Island (Running out of ideas so rehash is the best I can come up with for now and at least I am actually writing a spot this turn compared to the last 3!) Yes that is the title! Studoo slipped on his immaculate white suit and best bow-tie for the grand re- opening of Fant-ARADI-sy Island. There were some complaints after the last one. Something about making a Delarquan go soft or some business like that. Who knows but that is neither ,or is that neither, here nor there, or anywhere for that matter (or anti-matter). He strode out of his cabana headed for the docks of Collusion Cove on the Isle of Aradi. In the distance the sound of a small Prop Dragon could be heard. Studoo rushed for the dock not wanting to be late to recite his famous line, he would have to sack his personal valet for not waking him early enough to get to the dock on time. "Miserable sack of lazy no good rotting dead horse beating carcass piece of manure laden wretched refuse vile putrescent vomitous....." he said under his breath. He really said something else but I hired the Crazy Creeps scribe to change it into a filtered/censored version worthy of print. "That boy will pay dearly in the Dark Arena in the next rounds fights if I miss de-Plane." he continued. Yes the Prop Dragon's name is de-Plane and no he's not a French Dragon either. Though the puffy shirt look and name might give you that idea. He ran as fast as his little legs could take him and as he saw the Prop Dragon set down in the cove he took a deep breath and shouted...... But before he could he heard a foreign accented voice call out, "de-Plane de-Plane boss!" "What in the name of God's Sam Hill is going on,' he thought to himself. As he came onto the dock he saw Sandmantalbon standing on the dock in his usual place and usual attire but there was another short guy next to him. "Ahhh Studoo welcome to Fant-ARADI-sy Island...." he started but was interrupted by Studoo. "Who the heck is this guy. What the heck I'm like one minute late and you already have somebody else in my place." "Relax my dear friend Studoo this is Herve Villechaize he will be standing in for you today." Sandmantalbon exclaimed. "Like heck he will," Studoo replied, "I need this second job to pay for my guildhouse property tax this is total Bull--" Sandmantalbon interrupted and explained that today would be his fantasy. "This is like some kinda' joke right?" Studoo asked. "I mean we are clearly on our way to winning ToGS I have no need to have a fantasy fulfilled I am a Duel2 GOD! Soultaker get out here now this joke ain't funny!!!" He paused looking around. "Damn it I said get out here you lazy needing to be carried sad sack of pus. I haven't got time to fool around I need to finish this gig and get back to training my warriors to carry your sorry sack of losers to victory." Sandmantalbon assured him he was to have his fantasy fulfilled today and although it was Soultaker's idea it was no joke. "He wanted you to have a day in which you would not have to take jokes about your size, especially from him! So climb on board de-Plane and begin your fantasy." "How the heck is he going to pull this off I mean my size is unmistakable this is a unfulfillable fantasy as nice as it would be." Studoo mused to himself lost in daydream almost missing Sandmantalbon call out, "All you must do is call on Big Clarence and Gemini and your FANTASY SHALL COME TRUE!" Studoo arrived at the docks of Fant-ARADI-sy island and disembarked de-Plane. He came upon TGG and Rillion sitting in lounge chairs on the beach. Rillion was drinking dinner as TGG was having himself a nice Shirley Temple complete with a pastel tie-dye colored umbrella inserted in the glass, pinky in the air as he sipped. Rillion was loaded like a handgun and called out, "Hey there little fella! If it's not to much trouble Studoo bring me a drink." Rillion elbowed TGG and said, "Poor fella' lost his second gig to guy twice his size and still not even 4 foot tall" just loud enough for Studoo to here then chuckled awkwardly as TGG slumped into his chair. "No good lousy drunk piece of crap. Thank a lot Sandman." Studoo grumbled before he remembered what Sanmantalbon told him about his fantasy. So he followed through and BAMMMMM Big Clarence and Gemini slapped Rillion silly. Later Crazy Creepster called him short and BAMMMMMM Big Clarence and Gemini slapped him around too. "Well Yankee Doodly rudely roo shamma-lamma-dingly dongly damn," the Creepster exclaimed as he bowed before the great Studoo. It wasn't long before Big Clarence and Gemini had garnered Studoo the respect he deserved and all bowed before him refusing to comment on his height lest they get a taste of Big Clarence again. Upon returning to the dock Sandmantalbon asked how his fantasy had turned out. Studoo smiled and said "Just great you piece of S..." his voice could no longer be heard as Big Clarence and Gemini slapped Herve and Sandman silly. "Today was truly a great BIG DAY!" Studoo thought as he walked away with his new best friends Big Clarence and Gemini! + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + ************ Aradi in the springtime...Love is in the air *** By Snotman ************ The birds were singing, the bees were buzzing (I can say birds and bees without getting censored, right Ed?) and springtime had come to Aradi. The long dark winter was over, the TOGS was coming to an end and there was love in the air. Friends mended old disagreements and old lovers' relationships sparked fresh and new. A stroll through the streets might show Manager and Death Stud sitting at a cafe table, a dozen empty cans of Coors light on the table in front of them as Death Stud and Manager agreed that the TOGS was supposed to be fun and they should stop worrying about who used what tourney prize and who killed who's warrior and whether or not it was OK to resurrect a dead warrior to avoid a bloodfeud. At last Manager rose to leave and Death Stud stumbled over to him, "I luv you man! You know that don't you?" and gave him a quick man-hug. Then Manager turned to leave Death Stud gave him a reassuring pat on the butt (It's been made clear that's as high as he can reach. You should consider a pat on the butt from Death Stud to be a pat on the back from any other manager). Elsewhere in Aradi, Anti was having an intimate diner with his left hand. He had painted red lips and eyes on the hand and it was wearing a blond wig (or maybe it was just a tangle of yellow yarn). The immaculately dressed waiter at Chatau Le'Frenchie pretended not to notice as Anti and his left hand snuck a quick smooch (french of course). Still elsewhere a stray dog barked and instead of being decapitated by a raving chaos lord, he encountered a female dog and doggy style loving ensued. Yea, truly love was in the air. At the house in a upscale neighborhood that Snotman had rented, he was trying his own hand at love. He was now regretting going out drinking with Nuln instead of reviving the Crazy Creepster's Scribe right away. As the good reader may recall, a critical factor in the quality of the zombie is the time elapsed between death and reanimation. For the best zombies, the reanimation process should be started while the subject is still alive. What the reader may not be aware of is that the quality of the ingredients used in the zombification process is also important. The dagger made of obsidian, the eye of a newt and whisker of kittens and puppy dog tails, the ashes of a murderer used to draw the runes and circles, all matter. If say, you substitute, say, a steak knife, the eye of a rat, whiskers of a rat, tail of rat and the ashes of some old newsletters, the results might differ. The more Snotman thought about it, maybe he should have gone shopping to Necros R' Us or something instead of drinking and then making do with inferior tools. Maybe the Crazy Creepster's Scribe might have come out a little bit less...zombie-like. Snotman with love in his eyes, pressed the button and a jolt of electricity surged through the Crazy Creepster's Scribe. She bared her teeth and struggles against the heavy chains that stopped her from getting out of her chair before subsiding back into her chair, "Remember, you start from the outside, with the salad fork." Snotman wearily repeated. "Grrr! Arrgh!" the Crazy Creepster's Scribe growled. "And use your words when other people are around." Snotman reminded her. "I find it very frustrating that my base, zombie side keeps asserting itself. I know which fork to use to use, my love, but when I see the brains...right...in... front...of..." the Crazy Creepster's Scribe trailed off drool trailing down her chin as she focused on the elegant slivers of brain, walnuts, chevre and dried cranberries mixed with tender baby greens. Snotman sighed as gave her another jolt of juice. He was equally frustrated that she was fully there sometimes and their love could be fully realized and so strong and then a few moments later she was like a complete stranger. A complete stranger with an insatiable appetite for human brains. Snotman tenderly cupped her chin, "Honey, I think that we are going to have to take baby steps. I won't serve any brains when Nuln comes over for dinner. We will get through this together but I don't think that you are ready for the challenge of having a calm, civilized dinner in the face of tender, juicy, succulent brains. And clad in his chaos plate, Nuln will be a lot less tempting than Rillion and the Greek Guy were, or at least safer." Snotman thumbed over at the couch where Rillion and Greek Guy sat, the tops of the heads removed and the insides of their skulls picked clean and gnawed upon (welcome to the big time boys...you've really earned his spotlight murder). The next evening, Snotman was sure to feed the Crazy Creepster's Scribe early (it was Soultaker's brain so it was just a light snack) before Nuln came over. When the doorbell rang, Snotman and the Crazy Creepster's Scribe answered the door together and Nuln managed to contain his surprise and keep up the normal small talk until he Snotman went out onto the back patio, with beers in hand, to grill the steak, "You 'ol softie. I knew that you had a soft spot for her still." Snotman grinned, "Yeah, I mean she ripped out my heart and threw it, still beating, into a trash bin but I got over it. After the hole in my chest healed up I was able to get a bit more perspective on the whole thing but while she was working for the Crazy Creepster it could never work out. I mean sure we stole a couple of secret...encounters but there was no way that it could progress any more than that. And there was always the fear of exposure and...frankly that was kind of exciting but also terrifying. I mean I couldn't even tell you." Nuln took a deep breath, held it for a second and then decided to plunge ahead, "Um, so you ran her down with your carriage, zombified her and now are dating her? And this somehow resolved the conflict in your professional lives?" Snotman grinned, "Now that I'm the necromancer and she's my minion, that pretty much settles the issue of her allegiance to the Creepster." "So you guys are out now?" Nuln questioned. "Well, we are coming out, right now you are the only one who knows about it. We are still working on some issues around the zombification." Nuln grinned, "Good, so you have a plan for the hideous stitching that is holding her face together?" Snotman's expression darkened, "I thought that did a pretty good job with the stitching" Nuln, realizing that he'd really put his foot in it hastily added, "Um, yeah I didn't even notice it at first. And it looks like you have a really neat hand with a needle and thread." Then looking to change the subject he added, "It looks like you lost a fight with a lawnmower yourself." Snotman raised his three fingered hand up to where his right ear had been, "She is a very passionate lover. And sometimes, in the heat of the moment, she gets a little confused. The chains and the cattle prod help and sometimes they can add a little extra edge, if you know what I mean. Everything is regrowing but it's a lot slower than just reattaching the part." The rest of the evening passed uneventfully except for that one time when the Crazy Creepster's Scribe crept up behind Nuln when he and Snotman were sitting on the couch and tried to take a little nip o' brain. Snotman, ever prepared, had the crazy glue on hand to replace the teeth she lost on Nuln's chaos plate. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Blackmail ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + by Rillion Rillion sat sunning himself by the pool in the backyard of the Demons of Darkness Guildhouse. Every few minutes he would take a swig from his Magical Mug of Never-ending Frosty Cold Beer. 'Ah, this is the life,' he thought to himself. 'It is so nice not to have to worry about doing any work; I can just take a few days, relax, and enjoy the simple pleasures of not having to do anything.' Occasionally he would glance at the pile of blank paper next him. 'Hmm, I guess at some point I should write some messages to be delivered to the Gladiatorial Commission. I wonder what day it is?' He thought as he glanced up sun, 'Looks to be Noonday. I don't think the stuff for Aradi is due yet, *yawn*, boy this doing nothing is sure tiring, time for another nap. Besides, its not like TGG and I have a chance at winning this thing.' Rillion woke up as the contents of his Magical mug of Never-ending Frosty Cold Beer were poured over his sun-burned face. "Rillion, how could you flake on me!?!" screamed The Greek Guy. "Do you realize we could be in third place right now if you had gotten your act together?!? I've got to work eighteen jobs to support my fifty kids and I managed to hold up my end of the bargain and my team went five and oh," it was about at this point that Rillion fell back asleep. A couple minutes later he work back up and TGG was just finishing up, "and what excuse do you have now for not doing anything?" "Um, I was so busy doing nothing that I lost track of time?" replied Rillion. "That's not good enough! We can win this thing, I need you to hold up your end of things. My team is finally performing, we stayed close and now with just a couple good turns we can win TOGS, overcome all the FONZarelli collusion, and finally put a rest our reputations as chokers," said The Greek Guy as he started tossing the poolside furniture into the pool. "Okay TGG, I'll tell you the truth. That is if you can handle the truth? Well can you? The truth is I don't care about winning. I don't think we can win, and if we try all this going to happen is we are going to get close then choke at the end and instead of getting rid of our reputation as TOGS chokers, we are just going to add another chapter to the Rillion and The Greek Guy Always Choke At The End of TOGS Pop-Up Storybook. So if we aren't going to win, why should I even bother? Besides, have you seen my team lately? My best warrior was mediocre during TOGS and my second best warrior just got killed." "YOU IDIOT, he just got killed, so you can't use him dying this turn as an excuse for why you quit on me this turn!" "Oh, yeah right, but still, my team is really starting to suck. Even more then usual. So again I ask, why should I bother?" "Here is why," said TGG as he dropped an envelope of pictures next to Rillion. Rillion open the folder and glanced at the pictures, "Okay, you win, I'll do my job for the rest of the TOGS, even if I think we are still going to choke at the end." + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + ----- ----- ----- Soultaker ----- ----- ----- "I'm telling you, we have to do something now. This pussyfooting around has let them catch up to us," Stud growled and stomped his foot for emphasis. "But they are our friends," Soultaker replied with little enthusiasm almost as if he was trying to convince himself. "You call them friends! Heck neither one of us has healed up yet from the last time "our friends" paid us a visit," Stud venomously replied. "You know they may not have been involved. It could have been a bunch of muggers dressed up like our friends to make us hate them. You know Managerr would do anything to break up non-alliance," Soultaker pleaded with weak reasoning. "As weak minded as our so called friends may be, even Managerr wouldn't be smart enough to put a plan like that together. They are all jealous of me and what I have been able to do at winning the TOGS over and over again," Stud rambled on. "Aaaaah yes Brain and what will we do tonight? Maybe take over the world? You are the greatest we all know that," Soultaker jabbed back sarcastically. "I didn't mean it that way. I am just all upset over the petty jealousy and contempt they show to their betters," Stud puffed his chest out. Death Stud turned on his heal and walked over to a large covered blackboard. Pulling a chair over, the mighty Stud climbed and pulled his tiny body till he was standing upon the chair like some great mountain climber. Steadying himself, Stub closed a tiny, meaty hand upon the cloth covering the board and gave a gut-wrenching yank. The effort almost brought the tiny terror off his feet. The cover came off the board but slowly settled over the frantic Stud. Sheer panic took over, and Death Stud quickly became hopelessly entangled in the suffocating covering. Soultaker grimaced in pain as the fit of laughter tweaked the slow healing ribs. Even with the pain, Soultaker welcomed the chance to laugh. After what must have seemed like forever to Death Stud, but in reality was only maybe a minute or two, Soultaker untangle the freaked out tyrant. Stomping his feet, Death Stud adjusted his clothing and turned on his best friend. "I hand it under control," Stud glared at Soultaker as he was folding up the large cloth. "This is the plan," Stud pointed at the writing on the blackboard. "What plan? All I see is a list of manager names under a heading of "Bucket List". Is this supposed to be something we do before we die," Soultaker asked. "No, this is a list of those that is supposed to die. I figure that when we destroy everyone for the third straight contest, they will be too embarrassed to compete again next year. So why not take out the competition for good and assure our victory. Even if you are in denial, these so called friends beat the crap out of us and I want payback," Stud replied coldly. "Ok, even if you want payback what does this list have to do with it," Soultaker questioned. "I want us to come up with a plan for each name on the list to take them out. We can start with the first name on the list and move right down it," Stud stated. Soultaker figured he would play along with his friend since he always over reacted and soon cooled off and forgot about his schemes. He did have to smile at the thought of taking out a few on the list. "I see you have Nuln on the top of your list. Do we take extra effort on the first few over the later names," Soultaker asked. "I didn't really put them down in any special order. I am sure a few of the managers came to my mind first. You can bet Nuln came to mind because I remember those ugly boots of his kicking me like a ball," Stud's eyes seemed to glaze over. "Well, getting rid of Nuln won't be too difficult. I mean he isn't the brightest torch on the street. I would suggest we lay out some sort of trap to take him out," Soultaker began to scratch his head in thought. "I know, I know," Stud began jumping up and down on the chair. With a load scream, Death Stud's recently cracked right leg gave out and he started to collapse off the chair. "I got you," Soultaker yelled out as he caught his itty bitty buddy before falling to the floor. Grimacing through the pain, Stud righted himself and explained through clenched teeth. "We can put a bear trap in a cow. That would get him for sure," Stud grinned from ear to ear. "Damn that is great idea, but I am afraid it might kill the cow. How about if we stake out ol' Bessy? You know she is his favorite. Then we dig a deep pit just behind her. Fill the pit with sharpened stakes. Cover the pit and set a bucket on it," Soultaker started to grin at the thought of Nuln impaled on a huge stake. "I still like the bear trap idea better. We will go with your idea on this one," Stud agreed. "Let's see, next on the list is Elephant. I really am at a loss in how to make his death painful," Soultaker apologized. "I have just the plan for him, and all it will take is a little money. We get word to him that Hombre is at Scrodbucks screwing around and has no plan to write a spotlight. That will get him into Scrodbucks were we will have Merlin, and Scrag waiting for him. As soon as he shows up, we will have them start telling Elephant what a loser he is and keep ragging on him. I have seen him under that pressure before and it wasn't pretty. We give those washed up retired managers a little money and they will wind Elephant up till he is biting his own butt. As sure as the sun will rise in the morning, Elephant will charge at them with sword drawn. We will have a couple paid thugs to be sitting close by that will intercede on the retired managers part and low and behold self-defense," Stud beamed as he gasped for breath. "Damn, I can live with that. It is always fun to watch someone wind a person up," Soultaker chuckled. "Next on the list is Mannequin. You know, I bet we can use about the same plan to get rid of him," Soultaker offered. "As long as he suffers a lot, I don't care," Stud added. "Well, you are going to have to set the wheels in motion on this one. It seems that Samwise has been what you might call "a little peeved" over Mannequin's somewhat inactivity. What you need to do is go over and wind Samwise up. Just tell him that Mannequin was complaining about his partner's challenges, and that if Samwise would just win a few fights he wouldn't have to worry about silly spotlights. Just remember to have Samwise take a weapon with him. I will get Mannequin to meet me at Scrodbucks and keep him occupied. This should be a no miss since if I know Samwise he will fly off the handle and rush in swinging and lop off that lopsided head of Mannequins. If he fails to kill him, I will slip some poison in his drink. Hopefully they kill each other," Soultaker clasped his hands together in the symbol of a prayer. "I think I have a good idea for getting rid of the next one. Normally, Snotman would be a hard one to get off alone since he stays in the temple of Khorne most all the time. There are two things he is regular about and that is walking Wayne King the goat and his visits to Farmer boB's farm. I was thinking about stealing Wayne and sending Snotman an invite for a free plate of BBQ goat to get him outside, but I think laying in wait for him at farmer boB's would be a better bet. I have been told that he has a real thing for that new angus cow. Let me see, I think her name is Nellie. All we have to do is sneak in the barn early and make sure Nellie is in the loading chute pen were there is very little room to maneuver. Snotman will think that farmer boB has set Nellie up for him. We wait up in the hayloft above the chute until he is occupied then we dump two 50lb bags of salt on him. You've seen what salt does to slugs," Soultaker finished. "Yeah that sounds fun. We can poke him with sticks as he withers up and dies," Stud's eyes lit up at the idea. "What about the next one," Stud asked. "I really don't see the rest as a real threat right now. Heck, Hombre has a hard enough time remembering which boot goes on what foot. As long as he is left alone he will fall into his normal apathetic coma. If he starts to wake up, we can always get his attention away from TOGs by giving him a trip to Kolact or the exotic beachs of Jurine," Soultaker explained. "Ok, but what about Greek Guy and Rillion? I really want to have them killed," Stud whined and began pouting. "How about we wait one more week for them? I really want to see them put up another 0-10," Soultaker begged. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + ----- ----- ----- Death Stud ----- ----- ----- Team THREEPEAT was stunned by the unexpected deaths of Howler and Chondromalacia. It had been disturbing as it was when the unrest in Aradi and the animosity of their fellow managers had resulted in a vicious alley beating of Aradi's most respected, revered, honored, and feared managers (don't forget the revered part). But now that things had gone from some grousing and fisticuff to what was effectively the cruel assassination of two young men with their futures in front of them like Howler and Chondromalacia, everything took on a more sinister light. It was clear that this wasn't just some managers unhappy about their sad little lives and personal inadequacies, but that it had blossomed into a full, evil conspiracy, apparently planned out with forethought and malice and had been carefully orchestrated. But, who was behind it? There obviously had to be a single, devious mastermind behind things that was capable of pulling off a caper like this and it was highly unlikely that any of the jabroneys in contention in the TOGS could pull it off. Death Stud laughed out loud to himself at the thought of any of the managers that were chasing them being capable of coordinating something of this scale. He ran down the nincompoop list in his head The closest team was the Nutsackz and what a pair of snotty chaos Sackz those two were. Nuln was lucky if he could avoid get his Chaos Helm (tm) on backwards in the morning and often had to be reminded that the Spidey Underoos go on the INSIDE of your Chaos Armor (tm) so there's no way it could be him. Snotman on the other hand was probably capable of something as underhanded as the THREEPEAT warrior slayings, but his wife no longer allowed him to conspire and plot for death and destruction. Punk in Drublic consisted of Hombre and Elephant. The one called Elephant was a full-scale tweaker with anger issues and while he would probably like to kill every one of the THREEPEAT warriors (and their managers), he could never have shown the restraint to carefully assassinate two warriors and with his level of self-control would surely have had to be dragged off the bloody corpses still kicking and stabbing at the lifeless meat sacks. As for Hombre, he was so unmotivated that merely lifting his arm was too much effort, let alone all that strenuous planning and scheming and killing stuff. The winners of the "sooper creative TOGS team naming" award, Lurocian Demons were even less likely than the teams above them. Sure Rillion might fire off a couple drunken messages threatening violence on occasion, but he was incapable of holding a thought as it passed from one ear to the other. And The Greek Guy? Seriously. The Killer Wedgies had fallen so far out of contention on the strength of Mannequin's writing consistency and Samwise's challenging prowess that there was really no point in them trying any funny business. Plus, given Samwise's history getting things right when he tried to challenge or plan anything, his hired assassins would likely have put him six feet under on accident. From there on down it was the likes of Creepster, Slugbait, Tigtoad, SwineTiger, Pauly, Pip the Troll, and a similar menagerie of reprobates and incompetents, with Manager working as the caboose of the TOGS standings. Manager would have been an obvious suspect, but it seemed impossible that anyone would be fooled by his transparent ploys any more. There didn't seem to be any obvious culprits and that made Death Stud worry even more. He like to keep his enemies close. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ What Time Is It? ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + By GenX Perfect Hits Somewhere a dark alleyway of Aradi we see Indimar crying and walking with a broken computer in his hand. Little does Indimar know that someone has been watching for the last few minutes. That someone is Hombre. One see Hombre needs Indimar's help but doesn't know how to ask for it. He's unsure because a hour earlier his TOGSmate, Elephant had busted up Indimar self esteem along with his computer. What the heck it's now or never. "Yo Indi, that computer looks pretty bad." "Thank you Mr. Obvious." "Ya know, I know someone that knows how to fix it." "You said know three times." "Did you catch the fix it part?" "Come on man, this thing is a goner." "If it's a goner then why are ya carrying it all over Aradi?" "Well, there's valuable information on my hard drive." "But seriously I do know someone that can fix it for you." "I bet it will cost a small fortune." "Ok Mr. Downer, do you want it fixed or not?" "Sure, who and what?" "Who and what, what?" "Who's gonna fix it and what's it going to cost me." "Heshis Name will fix it" "Who is his name?" "Not who, Heshis." "Who?" "Ah, Akers!" "Why didn't ya say so?" "I did." "What is it going to cost?" "It's not going to cost you anything out of pocket." "What's the catch?" "I need a small favor." "Go on." "Remember when Mando was stuck in that loop and you help us get him out?" "Yes, but I didn't really help, time helped. Besides who do you think I am, Humphry Osmond?" "No, but you're acting like Jimmy Osmond. I need your help with Manager." "Oh, you mean you and Elephant need my help." "Actually is really just Manager. Elephant happens to be there with him." "I'll help, but you get that damn pachyderm out of the house or I'm not helping." "Deal. Don't forget your computer." The two arrive at the safe house. Hombre tells Indimar to wait outside while he has Elephant exit out the back of the house. Hombre enters the house. "Adrian? What time is it? Man I'm tripping hard." Manager spins around and then sits on the couch. "Elephant, I need to see you in the other room." "Adrian? What time is it? Man I'm tripping hard." Manager spins around and then sits on the couch. Elephant and Hombre go into the kitchen. "Man, I'm so sorry. Has he stopped repeating himself since I left?" "Actually he did for a few minutes." "What did he do?" "He said Howler Thirteen and Chondromalacia. Then he started laughing." "What happened next?" "I asked him what he just said and why it was so funny." "Then what?" "Then he said Threemeat Deadpeat, it has begun. Then he went back into his loop." "Whoa. I need you to exit the house out the back. I have Indimar out front and he's still pissed." "You tell that Peter Griffin looking..." "Elephant, please. Just go. He can help us with Manager." "Fine." Elephant exits out the back door. Hombre goes to the front door and waves Indimar into the house. "Adrian? What time is it? Man I'm tripping hard." Manager spins around and then sits on the couch. "Is this how he's been?" "Adrian? What time is it? Man I'm tripping hard." Manager spins around and then sits on the couch. "Yes, it's been nonstop since you left. Elephant did say he stopped briefly and said a few other things." "Did he say what?" "Something about Howler 13, Chondromalacia and Threepeat Deadmeat it has begun." "You mean Threemeat Deadpeat." "Now that I think about it, yes. How did you know?" "Adrian? What time is it? Man I'm tripping hard." Manager spins around and then sits on the couch. "This is gonna kill me to say it but, Elephant is a genius." "A genius?" "Yep, he foresaw this and planned it." "I'm lost." "Don't be. Watch this. Manager, it has begun." Suddenly Manager stops repeating himself and spinning. He sits on the couch and says: "Yes it has. Deathstud and Soultaker have already begun paying their debts." Elephant is standing outside looking into the window. "I love it when a plan comes together." + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Eyes Have It ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + "What do you mean you are giving up on medicine?" "Me no like it. Dem managers a big bunch of whiners." "What do you mean Sluggy," asked The Creepster. "Dem say lots of silly things like: 'It hurt when you hit me with a maul', 'I don't like leeches', 'I can't drink this medicine it tastes like the Greek Guy's beer' and other things." "Well I don't think most people expected to come out of the doctors office with more lumps then when they went in." "Me Mom said it not kill you it make you stronger. Besides I send everyone to Flower Girls and no one comes back." "So you're done being a bouncer, gladiator, manager and now doctor. What are you going to do," queried Creepster. "Me great story teller me think I write great TOGS novel." "I don't know big guy. Not to put you down but most novelists have a little more upstairs." Slugbait quickly answered, "You no worry I buy big red hat with peacock Feather. It get no bigger than that." The Creepster thought for a while and then said, "Why don't you give me a couple of you best lines. I can give you some advice and we can go from there." "OK, how about, 'It was the best of times it was the worst of times.'" Frowning the Creepster replied, "That would never work. Starting a book like that is just to split up, disparate, discordant. Almost like telling a story of two different cities." "Me got more, 'Call me Ishmael.'" Shaking his head the Creepster answered, "Ishmael? What kind of name is that? It sounds fake? People reading a book needs to trust you. With a first line that people are going to think you are telling a whale of a story. Almost a great white lie." "This harder than I think. How about, 'Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.'" "Who would listen to a book about a guy with an ear fetish? You need something more imperial. Maybe try a book about a king that gets betrayed by his best friend?" Slugbait looked disappointed. "I guess I'm not the writer I thought I was. Maybe be I should try something else. Not doctor, not bouncer, not thug, not manager, not warrior, not playwright. Maybe a...Poet. Oh to be done with this contest," + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Friday Night Lights: Part 12 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + The Greek Guy We charged at the Delarqs with reckless abandon. The moment we reached each other a blinding light surrounded us all. The light was so intense that we all fell back. When the black spots disappeared from our eyes we could see that all the Delarqs were gone. "What the heck?" Tigtoad "Where'd they go" The Sentinel growled We all looked around the tavern assuming they must be there somewhere but they were no where to be seen. "What kind of magic is this" Snotman growled as he dabbed his nose with a tissue. "That must be what it was, magic. How else can you explain them just vanishing" The Greek Guy said. "But who did it and where'd they go" Rillion asked "I hope Lady Greywand took em and sent them to live with the gate monsters" The Sentinel replied The rest of the Tavern dwellers seemed as confused as we were. They were having muffled conversations and trying to figure out what happened as well. "Well they better still show up next week. I want to wipe that smirk off TMM face" The Sentinel said. We finished our meal but the talk kept coming back to the strange events of the night. The next Monday at school everyone was abuzz as the story started to filter around to the rest of the student body. The general consensus was it was black magic, probably used the headmaster of the Delarq school, Guardian. He's the only one we thought had the power to accomplish such a feat and obviously he wanted to protect his guys from the butt whopping they were about to get that night. That week the school was in afrenzy as everyone geared up for Friday night. The match was moved to an 8:00 start time as the Delarqs wanted to fight under torchlight as they usually did for all home matches. The time finally came for us to go to Talcama, the site of our match. The whole town was making the trip that night. For miles all you could see were the wagons loaded with Aradians with the torches glowing to light the way. We got to the city early and went straight to our locker room. The locker room was a mess. It looked like someone intentionally dumped horse crap all in the room. Classless, but what else would you expect from delarqs. We didn't care though as our whole reason for being there was revenge and we needed no lush accommodations. We could here the chants and insults being slung back and forth from the two crowds as we made our way up the ramp to the arena. It was finally time and we all were ready for blood. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ World of FONZCraft ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + Nightfall over Shadowscrod Keep Pt. 1 <Team Punk in Drublic's So Not So Top Secret HQ, Aradi> Hombre sat across the small living room table from Elephant, his giant brain focused with diamond precision on just one thing: his next move in a game similar to chess. His two rooks had been taken, along with an adept, two champs, one TC, and half his apprentices, but his eyes stubbornly scanned the board, looking for any possible escape. "Oh yeah, Ellie can taste the victory, and in case you were wondering, and Ellie think it tastes sweet!" Elephant trash talked, nearly bouncing out of his chair with an over abundance of kinetic energy. Hombre scowled at him in disgust, then returned his gaze to the board, his eyes probing, always probing. Why wouldn't he stop probing? Just then a very distinct sounding horn rang out through the chill morning air, and Hombre instantly sprang to a standing position, his knee nearly knocking over the chess board (which nearly gave Elephant a coronary), his expression stark and earnest, and he looked with cat-like quickness to all sides. "FONZcraft!" he hissed without making eye contact with Elephant, then in a flash he departed the room. "What the flip...?" Whined Elephant, as this was going to be the first time he had won any sort of competition in his whole life. It was not to be. <Castle Chaos (un-TMed), High Atop the Tower of Defenestration (TM under consideration), Aradi> Nuln held the Creepster by the throat, dangling the mad manager's body out of the open window as he squirmed and pawed at the Chaos Lord's arm like a kitten that wanted down. "So helpeth me Khorne," grated Nuln, doing his best impersonation of Darth Vadar, "If you don't giveth me that Gold Crown, I willeth droppeth you to your deatheth!" Just then a deep bass horn, almost like a tug boat's call, pushed through the cold air, and Nuln immediately let go of the Creepster, oblivious to his imploring cry of "Ohski diddily noooooooooooskiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...." that trailed off into the receding depths of the tower walls. "FONZETHcrafteth!" Nuln whispered aloud, much as Hombre had, then after striking an adventuresome pose, off he went downstairs to collect his gear. <Out in the Alley, Behind Scrodbucks, Aradi> Pauly was taking his coffee break, and stood in the back alley behind the family business watching his dad. This TOGS had been a complete financial disaster for him, thanks in large part to his beloved Laverne. Due to the number of claims that had come in via the demon muskrat's dietary predilections, Pauly's monthly premium had reached epic proportions (so epic, in fact, a movie was currently in production, with Death Stud cast as a talking goose that sells the fateful insurance policy), and inevitably brought to pass his financial ruin. Of course, this meant crawling back home to dad, aka Indimar "Moneybags" Fallon, and taking his old job back as barista at the Scrodbucks. As Pauly absently watched his dad and pondered the nature of money in general, its ebbs and its flows, it suddenly occurred to him what his dad was doing, and that he had been doing it an awful, awful lot lately. "Hey dad," Pauly called out, disposing of the rest of his vente scroppucino, scaled, no soy, with extra tailbone into the dumpster. "What exactly are you mining?" Indimar, who also went by the name John Escuaga at times, stopped in mid-swing with his pickaxe, and looked over at his progeny with an all too wild gleam in his eyes. "Iron, my boy, iron ore! And copper, rich and beautiful copper! Not to mention mithril! Oh my sweet, earthen mithril, lustrous beyond comp..." Pauly rolled his eyes, instantly regretting having asked his dad anything, when clear as a horn sounding, a horn sounded twice, coming from the west. There was no mistaking its tone and pitch, and Pauly ran inside, madly scrambling to find all his gear. After taking a few minutes to suit up, Pauly ran back out to the alley again, to see if his dad had responded at all. Apparently oblivious to the FONZcraft Summoning Horn, Indimar continued to bang away at the protruding ore that pocked the entire alleyway, his eyes filled with a possessed glee. Shaking his head hopelessly, Pauly ran off westward. <Casa del Soultaker, Aradi, the Flats> "Is everybody ready? Does everybody have everything they need?" Soultaker asked his younger proteges, which was of course greeted with "Yeah, yeah, yeahs." The veteran navy officer had been giving instructions over the past week to the unseasoned team assembled in front of him on how to survive in the wild, basic guerrilla and close-combat tactics, and other useful tricks, like how to live with scurvy. Now that the time had come, he was anxious to see how they would perform "in the field." Of the lot, Soultaker thought Hombre looked best prepared. At the very least he had the spiffiest gear, the latest in Hurly (tm) brand plate-armor, with its glinting burgundy hue, and a sweet shield with a lion's head froze in a roar on its front. The leg-warmers, or leggies as they were called, were of course an individual, interesting touch, but Soultaker (always thinking tactically) thought they might help throw off the enemy. Soultaker was more unsure about Pauly, mostly because he knew least of the young FONZ manager, but he seemed confident in his manner and had done well in the weeks training, catching on to most concepts quicker than the others. At the moment, he was showing off, doing back and forward double and triple flips while the group waited for their fifth. As Soultaker's gaze came to rest on Nuln, he inwardly shook his head. The Chaos Lord was simply an inept adventurer to put it kindly, and Soultaker wondered how he had lasted so long on the Chaos plains without getting his head lopped off. He was always doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, and the right thing at the wrong time, so Soultaker knew he would have to be extra careful around him for the sake of all of their lives. Nuln was going as his hunter character, and such had brought his faithful tracking hound, Mildred. In fact, Mildred was a white, curly-haired lap dog, that didn't do much but attack the feet of friend or foe, and proceed to like their toes. Soultaker stared at Nuln and the dog and tried his best to hide his disgust for the pair. + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Dreamtime ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ + With TOGS nearly to a close, I would like to point out, for two reasons, that the top 3 teams are FONZers. The first reason is obvious: FONZ rules the playground, that's right, we've taken all your milk money you nerds! We've given you a TOGS swirly if you will. If this were a fraternity, the rest of you were unable to survive the hazing. If this were a cult, the rest of you are not the sacrificers, you are the sacrificees... If we were a band, the rest of you would be groupies, and we've just autographed your left boob. If this were a dessert buffet, we're the creme brulee and the rest of you are the skin on the pudding that no one eats. If TOGS were a reality show, we would be Big Brother, and you would be 'So you think you can dance.' If you were looking to buy FONZ, you would have to go to Prada baby, but if you were looking to buy NOT FONZ, all that mess is on the clearance rack at Wal-Mart. Do you all get the picture? Just in case you dont, let me attempt to simplify things: If we were all restaraunts, FONZ would be Spago, the rest of you would be Chicken and Waffles... If we were musical instruments, we would be Fender Strats, the rest of you are triangles man... TRIANGLES for pete's sake! (who is pete by the way?) Face it, we're Old School, the rest of you are Kicking and Screaming. (much love to Mr. Ferrell) We're (catch the depth of this) the ACTUAL Fonz hitting the Juke Box to turn on the music, the rest of you are the Fonz jumping the shark. We're Nuln's spotlights, the rest of you are Pip's spotlights. We're California Bra! The rest of y'all are Tennessee! (zing to TGG, grats on the TC!) If TOGS was Urban Legends, we would be Big Foot man, the Loch Ness Monster, hell even Chupacabra! (that sheezy is real, Ive seen it!) the rest of you are the Jack in the Box Chicken Tumor Rumor! If TOGS was ice cream, we are clearly Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk, and you all are Low-Fat Frozen Yogurt! (and yes, I AM eating ice cream right now, but it's Phish Food, they were out of New York Super Fudge Chunk.) What if, and I'm just saying hypothetically, that if this were a 13 turn competition of chillaxin' Rap duos, we would very obviously be Salt & Pepa belting out Let's Talk About Sex WHILE doing the running man, and the rest of you that are in 4th place and lower, are clearly Captain and Tenille sitting by the piano doing the extended version of Muskrat Love. We are the FONZ! The rest of you are the Ralph Malphs of the Drive-in's of the world. Now, for the second reason, I did this to ensure our total and utter collapse, with the end somehow finishing in a 3rd place finish for the French Breads Connection, a 2nd place finish for Slugbait and Creepster, and an apparent rip in the time-space continuum as Rillion and The Greek Guy finish off the last 2 turns going 20-0 not only to get that monkey off their backs, but grab it and punt that sucker. Good luck to all! <input subliminal messages here: fonz rules> -- Hombre DUELMASTER'S COLUMN Notes from the arena champ. As I doubt it will last long, I am enjoying the view from up here, as well as the free drinks, the dames throwing themselves at my feet (which is especially nice for someone with cold feet like myself), and the unlimited endorsement opportunities. I would also like to thank Odalisque for giving me the opportunity to get up here. And Odie, just FYI, I was running 10-10-7 decise. So no, I have no idea how I parried and then riposted your first attack. This turns challenges go out to my good pals Vengraz and Peach Fuzz. May the best striker win. (Hint: that was a joke, as I am the only striker of us three.) I would also like to take this opportunity while having the DM pulpit to make a few very important announcements: Team THREEPEAT: In case any of you didn't notice, their name is very annoying and condescending. Thus, we must do whatever it takes; down challenges, up challenges, even challenges; to remind them that humbleness while a virtue, also suits them best. Team KILLER WEDGIES: Any team that would murder another by applying a lethal wedgy is deviant and must be stopped. See above. Team PUNK IN DRUBLIC: Curiously, if you apply the same switching of first consonants to the initial team listed in these announcements, you get team PEE THREAT. Therefore, team Punk In Drublic must be stopped as well at all costs. Team LUROCIAN DEMONS: Any team lame enough to come up with and actually use this lame name should be stopped at any expense from winning the Golden Scrod. I mean really, it goes without saying. Thank you all for your time, and if anyone would like to buy me a free beer, I can be found at the Blinking Starfish 24/7. Yours in Duelmasterhooditude, I Own Indimar SPY REPORT I can't believe the violence in COLLUSION COVE! I still haven't told Mom I'm writing Spyreports. She'd have a cow! Well, here we go... Like, LUROCIANS T308 had to be so embarrassed when they got kicked off #1 spot by DREAMTIME! Way to go DREAMTIME! Wanna hear about a real loser? Listen to this--MY BEST BUDS 2 got 2-3-0 and dropped 11. Didn't see much of them after the fights! One team deserves special mention 'cause they moved up 6 after going 4-1-0. Keep it up, CRAZY CREEPS! MVP award for GLITTERDOOM? DRAGON FLIGHT's proud of him after beating SHAMIKA and getting 25 points. Talk about yer major upsets! ODALISQUE's match with ZOMBIELUST cost her a loss of 18 points! Like DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2's VENGRAZ is sweating since it got challenged by Duelmaster I OWN INDIMAR! This Duelmaster is like something else! I OWN INDIMAR stopped VENGRAZ dead in its tracks! I hear the top team insists all their warriors get nine hours sleep. They want photogenic fighters for PR photos. So just why would someone becomes a warrior anyway? It can't be for these really neat Spyreports can it? ELOQUENT KNIGHTS was the most avoided team. Is a 163-107-8 record really that scary? I don't know what CHILDHOOD TRAUMA's been doing. They certainly haven't been accepting many fights from ELOQUENT KNIGHTS, that's fer sher. Like, is VENGRAZ popular, or what? It was challenged the most in all of COLLUSION COVE! It's got a 10-4-0, is that good? Some fights are really unfair. How do you think DEAD ALIVE feels about being challenged by VENREK, 19 points above him? Is this how DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 advances, by having their members (VENREK) fight people that are really below them (DEAD ALIVE)? See if I ever talk to MONKEY PAW again! ASP VI was so low when He challenged he. Hhmph! ASP VI is a real creature! It was challenged by MONKEY PAW, 21 points above, and BEAT him! Dark Arena, anyone? MISS PIGGY is being unfair. She's challenged down 22 against BREAKABLE. I don't know why they let this stuff go on. (I'd better shut up) MISS PIGGY beat BREAKABLE. No surprise about that. Really I'm not surprised MISS PIGGY would do such a scummy thing, either. Man, all these warriors dying and killing each other! Don't you guys ever give it a break? Hey, warriors get killed by other warriors, not by their manager sending them to the Dark Arena. What's wrong with SEL DUMB's 3-0-0, FUNKY FOLK? What a bummer! GHNSGFI got wasted by 911! But with a 7-6-0, I guess CLNGE aren't too bummed. ACIDULOUS really fought hard against WEKA DART. That'll teach WING HOVE not to go and kill any of ELOQUENT KNIGHTS' guys again, huh! Fight, fight, fight. Is that all you guys can do? Remember, blood on a purple robe may stain. Soak it in cold water, and hand wash. I gotta leave. COLLUSION COVE is like such a dump, and you guys smell too much! I had a fun time, see you later-- Debby Tonte DUELMASTER W L K POINTS TEAM NAME I OWN INDIMAR 8084 14 9 0 132 4000 BLOWS (107) CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME BOY GEORGE 8378 12 6 1 136 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) SPIRITWALKER 8431 13 3 0 129 DREAMTIME (633) -STORM FIRE 7597 9 3 2 125 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586) STITCHES 8245 11 9 1 108 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) 911 7936 16 14 1 105 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) PEACH FUZZ 8095 13 8 1 103 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) EQUIPOLLENT 8492 10 4 1 103 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) ZOMBIELUST 8181 11 6 0 97 4000 BLOWS (107) DAY BY DAY 8338 10 4 1 97 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME DEAD ALIVE 8503 8 4 0 90 WILD CARDS (148) FLICKED BOOGERS 6989 19 21 0 89 HIT ME WITH... (503) VENGRAZ 8018 10 4 0 86 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) B.C. GOLD 7787 13 11 0 81 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) WILD YOUTH 8296 9 4 0 77 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) WILD FLOWER 8443 10 7 0 75 DREAMTIME (633) ODALISQUE 8121 12 5 2 73 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) VENGANZA 8408 11 8 0 73 PASTAFARIANS (630) HAWAIIAN KONA 7853 10 10 0 72 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) PLUM 8094 9 8 2 72 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) ACIDULOUS 8384 11 3 0 71 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083 16 14 1 68 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) NOODLY APPENDIX 8404 10 9 0 68 PASTAFARIANS (630) DARIUS 8552 9 3 0 68 LUROCIANS T308 (636) THE AFRICAN QUEEN 8473 7 6 0 67 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) CHALLENGER ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME BEAST XVII 8303 9 10 0 66 DEATH STUDS VII (301) KING ROCKER 8246 6 7 0 66 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) WEKA DART 7979 12 13 2 65 WING HOVE (529) TWIG 8096 10 9 1 62 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) SARDASIA 8512 5 7 0 62 LUROCIANS T308 (636) BUSTED NUTS 7134 13 20 1 60 HIT ME WITH... (503) ZOMBI 2 8571 6 3 0 60 WILD CARDS (148) PLATO 8550 9 3 0 59 GRECO-ROMAN (639) IJEOOGI 8528 6 6 0 59 CLNGE (638) RESPECT THE PACKAGE 7832 13 13 0 58 WILD CARDS (148) -NAAN VIOLENT 8433 8 4 0 58 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) ASP VI 8579 5 2 0 58 DEATH STUDS VII (301) -RYEHARD 8339 9 11 1 57 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) SUGAR 8534 8 5 0 57 PURE EVIL (629) ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME GLITTERDOOM 8585 4 1 0 56 DRAGON FLIGHT (640) WARM PIRATE 8407 12 7 0 55 PASTAFARIANS (630) SETH DRAVEN 8231 7 9 1 55 TPW FOREVER (619) -SCORN BREAD 8343 11 10 0 54 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) SHRIVELLED PRUNE 8177 7 10 1 54 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME SISTER MOON 8489 6 7 0 53 DREAMTIME (633) STAR 8427 10 7 0 51 DREAMTIME (633) SHAMIKA 8513 9 4 0 51 LUROCIANS T308 (636) GUNPOWDER 8449 8 4 0 51 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) MCSCROD 8481 5 8 1 51 4000 BLOWS (107) -VIKI 8261 4 2 0 48 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586) NIAGARA FALLS 8533 8 5 0 47 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) READY, STEADY, GO 8249 6 7 1 46 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) NYSTERIOUS WAYS 8464 10 6 0 44 PASTAFARIANS (630) THE EX 8436 6 12 1 44 PURE EVIL (629) SOCRATES 8547 8 4 0 43 GRECO-ROMAN (639) MASTER EXPLODER 8500 7 5 0 43 4000 BLOWS (107) DOPEY 8566 4 3 0 42 CRAZY CREEPS (207) SENTINEL 8543 9 2 0 41 CRAZY CREEPS (207) SCARLET ABATTOIR 8474 7 6 0 41 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) BLACK DEATH 8446 4 8 0 41 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) MONKEY PAW 7854 10 9 1 40 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) 100 PUNKS 8491 6 8 0 40 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) MISS PIGGY 8544 6 6 2 39 CRAZY CREEPS (207) CRUCIFIED 8447 5 7 0 38 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) SHA'LONDA 8532 5 6 0 38 LUROCIANS T308 (636) BIOZOMBIE 8607 3 1 0 38 WILD CARDS (148) JAYSON DAYDE 8545 6 5 1 37 TPW FOREVER (619) HARUSPEX 8559 8 3 0 35 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) GALILEO 8548 7 5 1 34 GRECO-ROMAN (639) SPAM 8587 5 2 1 34 PURE EVIL (629) IICERGS 8524 5 7 0 34 CLNGE (638) CHALLENGER INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME SHMEGMA 8502 5 7 1 33 HIT ME WITH... (503) AGMOUR 8568 5 4 0 33 4000 BLOWS (107) BREMEN 8570 6 3 0 32 WING HOVE (529) MRS. ROBINSON 8573 4 4 2 32 CRAZY CREEPS (207) HARD CIDER 7981 7 7 1 31 WILD CARDS (148) BLUE ICE 8578 4 4 0 31 HIT ME WITH... (503) FEZ 7878 5 11 0 30 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542) JOHNNY 8511 5 7 0 30 LUROCIANS T308 (636) WHITE WOLF IX 8593 2 4 0 29 DEATH STUDS VII (301) ARISTOTLE 8551 6 6 0 28 GRECO-ROMAN (639) DESEARTES 8560 6 4 0 26 GRECO-ROMAN (639) INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME TONTO 8580 4 3 0 23 CRAZY CREEPS (207) SQUEEZE THE LEMONS 8569 5 4 0 22 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) TEMPE FACER SCROD 8506 4 9 1 22 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) TOGS CHOKER 8561 4 6 0 22 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) -TAKE ANOTHER SHOT 8558 4 3 0 22 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635) LITTLE AYE 8620 2 0 0 22 THE EYES HAVE IT (632) -PERFECT SNOTLING 8403 1 2 0 22 SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586) THE DECEIVER 8614 1 0 0 22 NIHILISTIC ENDEAVOR (642) MANHATTAN PROJECT 8450 4 8 1 21 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) -MERGANDEVIN 8582 1 1 0 21 DRAGON FLIGHT (640) EYE SPY 8596 3 3 1 20 THE EYES HAVE IT (632) CROP CIRCLE 8577 3 5 0 18 PASTAFARIANS (630) FLIMSY 8604 1 1 0 18 JGW PERISABLE! (641) JIMMY PITT 8595 1 4 0 18 TPW FOREVER (619) BROTHER WOLF 8622 1 1 0 17 DREAMTIME (633) FRAIL 8602 1 0 0 17 JGW PERISABLE! (641) -VIC TOREE 8598 2 2 0 16 FUNKY FOLK (565) -TOWER 7892 2 0 0 16 LATHE OF HEAVEN (603) POLITICIAN 8586 4 3 0 15 PURE EVIL (629) STINK I 8572 2 5 0 15 THE EYES HAVE IT (632) SANCTIMONIOUS 8627 1 0 0 15 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME BREAKABLE 8606 1 1 0 14 JGW PERISABLE! (641) BRITTLE 8605 1 2 0 13 JGW PERISABLE! (641) APEP 8615 1 0 0 13 NIHILISTIC ENDEAVOR (642) TESS TOOBES 8629 1 0 0 13 FUNKY FOLK (565) JORMUNGANDR 8613 1 0 0 11 NIHILISTIC ENDEAVOR (642) TOGS SLACKER 8631 1 0 0 11 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) I IN THE SKY 8588 2 3 0 9 THE EYES HAVE IT (632) -WRECKING CROUTON 8600 2 1 0 8 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625) -SOLIDUS 7895 1 0 0 8 LATHE OF HEAVEN (603) ONLYFORTOGS 8601 2 1 0 7 TPW FOREVER (619) FU LENG 8617 0 1 0 7 NIHILISTIC ENDEAVOR (642) -ICING DEATH 8584 0 1 0 7 DRAGON FLIGHT (640) BCS 8609 1 2 0 5 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634) TOGS DIXIE2 8610 1 2 0 5 DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430) -LOVITA 7891 1 2 0 5 LATHE OF HEAVEN (603) ROAD TRIP 8611 1 2 0 5 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) -GETHSEMANE 7894 1 1 0 5 LATHE OF HEAVEN (603) -SAND 7893 0 2 0 3 LATHE OF HEAVEN (603) ZOMBIE XXIX 8623 0 2 0 2 DEATH STUDS VII (301) PIE I 8619 0 2 0 2 THE EYES HAVE IT (632) BANSHEE XXXI 8632 0 1 0 1 DEATH STUDS VII (301) '-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn. THE DEAD W L K TEAM NAME SLAIN BY TURN Revenge? GHNSGFI 8526 7 6 0 CLNGE 638 911 7936 447 GILMMAO 8525 3 7 0 CLNGE 638 MRS. ROBINSON 8573 445 ICKIONI 8633 0 1 0 CLNGE 638 FIRST TOGS CHAMP 447 NONE MGGIOJI 8591 2 4 0 CLNGE 638 SEA MONSTER 447 NONE HOWLER XIII 8302 11 4 2 DEATH STUDS VII 301 STORM FIRE 7597 446 GAZREK 7858 13 9 0 DEMONS OF DARKNE 430 BOY GEORGE 8378 446 ILLUMINATI 8599 0 2 0 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP 634 SPAM 8587 444 HEPHAESTUS 8583 0 3 0 DRAGON FLIGHT 640 SPYMASTER 447 NONE EDIE 8429 5 10 0 DREAMTIME 633 SHMEGMA 8502 445 JUST REVENGED CHONDROMALACIA 8432 7 10 0 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS 518 WEKA DART 7979 446 JUST REVENGED DAN GLING 8554 1 2 0 FUNKY FOLK 565 SEA MONSTER 447 NONE SEL DUMB 8487 3 1 0 FUNKY FOLK 565 SEA MONSTER 447 NONE SHIRL LOCKE 8597 0 1 0 FUNKY FOLK 565 ARNIE SHEW 447 NONE THE BUNISHER 8341 10 3 1 HOUSE OF GRAIN 625 T MARIE 8522 443 NOT REVENGED CAKE OR DEATH? 8628 0 1 0 JGW PERISABLE! 641 GARGOYLE PRINCE 447 NONE DOUBLE CHOCOLAIN 8461 4 5 0 LA BOULANGE 626 READY, STEADY, G 8249 443 NOT REVENGED POODOO 8630 0 1 0 NIHILISTIC ENDEA 642 MONSTER MANALGER 447 NONE ICE CREAM SOLDIE 8471 1 10 0 NO HAMMER HAMMER 635 GALILEO 8548 445 JOKER 8575 3 4 0 PURE EVIL 629 MISS PIGGY 8544 446 NOTEVENFORTOGS 8626 0 1 0 TPW FOREVER 619 MONSTER MANALGER 447 NONE PERSONAL ADS Hmm, how would it be, and how much contribution to TOGS would it be, if this were the "just making sure contributory, mandatory" ad for points from The Crazy Creeps Stable? Hmmm. Perhaps the writing quality is such that it WOULD be a contribution to TOGS not to post more than the contributory/mandatory ad? -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe And the composition awards from The International Award-Winning Aradi Free Press are: Gold Crown (best) Dreamtime (Hombre) Silver Scarf (next best) Collusion (Death Stud) Bronze Pasties Subpar (Pip) Tin Cup (not so best) no one deserving Wear your prizes with pride and joy. -- Editor, IAWAFP Tidbits from the IAWAFP: Get use to the idea that I will be sitting here for a while. (Odalisque) I think we made some great progress tonight. There's no place like home. Let's settle for dicing him into small pieces. Flower Girls, dem help even the tiniest in spirit feel big inside. Tisith a real shameth that He feeleth that way toward fellow alliance mates. We'll agree to ease up and backslide for two to three turns. The puny pipsqueak of a manager sat back in his high chair. FONZ's teeth are so yellow I can't believe it's not butter. Now why don't you step over here and repeat that? But they are my friends. A true friend stabs you in the front. Whatchya doing? Mining thorium. May your warriors die often and painfully. Editor, IAWAFP CLNGE -- THAT was a bloodfeud? Never send a boy to do a man's job. (wink) -- Mrs. Robinson (stretching those long, lovely legs) Joker -- I am so sorry. You looked so cute. I don't know what happened. Maybe I got to thinking about Kermit and.... -- Miss Piggy Ijeooji -- See, I can think big. Not everything I do is so small. -- Sentinel Monkey Paw -- You crass Fonz felon, you took advantage of me. -- Dopey Black Death -- You cheatum. Me drinkem your fire water. Lots. Ugh. -- Tonto Snotman -- Only Apple Pie? The whole thing should have been censored. All Aradi would have been better served. The disgusting things that keep coming out of FONZ are, well, really disgusting. Keep up the good work. -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe. Rollbanger wanger whoopey dooh dah yessironious! -- The Creepster Slugbait -- I think that means Creepy thinks that C.O.L.L.U.S.I.O.N. is on a roll! -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe. M&M's?! Jeez, Mannequin; where do you come up with this stuff? -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe FONZ = Fearless Old Narcissist Zeros Funloving Oboes Needing Zorro Colluders Extraordinaire TGG -- What you are doing?!? Here I am trying to throw this thing so that we do not end up near the top on the last round then pull another 0-10 and you are kicking some serious mule. I tried not submitting anything and still you pulled us into fourth place and within striking distance of the top. Stop it! -- Rillion All -- Thank you, thank you. The flush of business from Aradi was all our pleasure. Well, maybe the flush and the pleasure was yours also. (Tee hee.) My Flower Girls will serve your every need any time you want. Come one. Come all! (wink) See you soon, again, at The Flower Shoppe. -- Lady Fern, manager Flower Girls P.S. We want to acknowledge Death Stud for setting the record for being the shortest AND the fastest we have ever hosted. (chuckle) Samwise -- I can see what we do things differently. My philosophy is, "kill the man and then have beer with him." So is yours more like, "have beer with him and then kill him?" Or maybe, "have beer with him but poison it?" Either way I'll come down and meet you for a drink at the Crotchety Crab to show that there are no hard feelings about murdering you earlier. -- Snotman (Freaking Oxlike Neanderthal Cliches) was really Freaking Oxlike Neanderthal Zilches, but who is paying any attention. It is FONZ and naturally it is all bad. -- Crazy Creeps Spotlight Editor and Psychological Profiler Pip -- I'm noticing a pattern that I do not like at all! We do well for one turn, which is then followed by two lousy turns. Not sure how to remedy this situation other than blame FONZ for collusion and make a joke about Death Stud's height. -- Master Darque Sounds like you're well on your way. -- Ed. Master Darque -- I agree. I was impressed with both warriors. -- Samwise Death Stud -- What was that? I couldn't hear anything but the whiny quality of your voice. -- Samwise Headlines from this week's Aradi Enquirer: "Pip: Is he really that dirty?" by Boo Chalky "Death Stud and Bertha: Really?" by Garrett Toobe "Rillion: Did he REALLY TC?" by Pearl Collard Now dang it, Rillion and I had to be in contention near the end. We fully intend to blow it this turn to erase any chance of a last turn collapse. -- TGG Howler -- I'm really sorry...that you weren't Odalisque. That's who I was really after. You're not a bad consolation prize, I guess. -- Storm Fire All -- Don't mind me, I'm just getting my team in position to viciously down challenge anyone on the last turn who has colluded against me in TOGS' past. -- Manager I guess this should've been done for the easy five points the last few turns! -- Street Legal Creepster -- Couldn't go without tossing you at least one challenge in the contest...and it got through. It WAS an up-challenge though. ; P -- Street Legal When will the madness end? My fingers are falling off from all the typing. -- Slugbait You have my sympathy. My 'delete' key is getting worn out. -- Ed. Yeah, almost made it through the TOGS without missing a turn...stoopid slow Cincinnati mail. >:P -- Anti Ed. -- Cloooooooooooser. :) -- Anti Not as good a word as ooooover, though. -- Ed., very tired tonight I own Indimar -- What's with this weak parry crap? I come in there with a strat to let you have the throne so your manager would feel all superior and you throw out a Parry! -- Odalisque Weka Dart -- I must say I was not expecting that. I always hate losing a warrior from my stable, but some times it works out for the best. -- Soultaker Zig-Zag Man -- My but you do teach well. -- Equipolent Sister Moon -- Tag you're it! You go ahead and come back and play with me again. -- Acidulous Politician -- Dang, I must have lost twelve pounds with all that dancing we did. Crop Circle -- Yeah, I was impressed. Annoyed, but impressed. -- White Wolf TGG -- Thanks for the heads up on your personals. I made sure to notify my spotlight and ads scoring minions of your participation last turn. -- Death Stud Little Aye -- Not cool. -- Zombie XXIX Greek Guy & Rillion -- At first I thought that you guys had choked out early and I was disappointed. And then you started making your move and I thought that you were going to kick butt instead of choking. But now it all makes sense. You are going to pull up into the top four so you can choke on the last turn. Great plan guys! -- Snotman Greek One -- Grats on the TC! -- Hombre Shmegma -- It's not going to get me a lot of TOGS points, but I'm pretty much going to use you to help me graduate...see you for 3 more turns (hopefully). -- Spiritwalker Editor IAWAFP -- You keep those Tin Cups coming. I need something for Indimar to drink out of. -- Elephant Sardasia -- It rarely works as planned. -- 100 Punks Hombre -- 22.5 points? We wouldn't have to worry about 22.5 if you could just go 10-0 the next two turns. I'd probably even settle for you going 9-1 or maybe 8-2, maybe. -- Elephant Such generosity! -- Ed. Asp -- Everything you were supposed to? If that was the case you wouldn't have stepped into the sands. Lucky riposte? That's called skill, as in rating. I'll take you up on the next time but I'm not your pretty. -- King Rocker Nuln -- Top of your Spotflix? Please. I'll have whatever you're drinking. -- E FONZ = Fearless Observers Nearing Zen Stitches -- Obviously your mother never taught you to share the init. -- Zombielust Manhattan Project -- Thank you for that much needed boost to my morale. Instead of suicide, I will now content myself with self-flagellation. The eternally indebted... -- McScrod Odalisque -- Boy, that was a classy challenge from an even classier guy managed by the classiest manager there is. I will take it as the immense compliment it was intended, and I thank you for the throne. -- I Own Soulta...I mean, Indimar FONZ = Frequently Overseeing Needy Zoologists Team Threepeat -- May the beatdown continue to rain upon you!! -- Mannequin LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS HEPHAESTUS was butchered by SPYMASTER in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight. SEL DUMB was butchered by SEA MONSTER in a 2 minute brutal Dark Arena duel. DAN GLING was easily killed by SEA MONSTER in a 2 minute gory Dark Arena match. MGGIOJI was slaughtered by SEA MONSTER in a 1 minute bloody Dark Arena brawl. SHIRL LOCKE was assassinated by ARNIE SHEW in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight. POODOO was murdered by MONSTER MANALGER in a 1 minute Dark Arena competition. ICKIONI was unbelievably slain by FIRST TOGS CHAMPION in a 3 minute Dark Arena duel. CAKE OR DEATH? was butchered by GARGOYLE PRINCE in a 1 minute Dark Arena match. NOTEVENFORTOGS was dealt death by MONSTER MANALGER in a 3 minute competition. SPIRITWALKER vanquished SHMEGMA in a 1 minute uneven Bloodfeud duel. ACIDULOUS viciously subdued WEKA DART in a 3 minute expert's Bloodfeud fight. I OWN INDIMAR overpowered VENGRAZ in a 1 minute uneven Challenge Title match. VENREK luckily beat DEAD ALIVE in a exciting 7 minute one-sided Challenge fight. B.C. GOLD was devastated by EQUIPOLLENT in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge conflict. BOY GEORGE savagely defeated DAY BY DAY in a popular 3 minute bloody Challenge brawl. ZOMBIELUST handily defeated ODALISQUE in a 1 minute uneven Challenge fight. PLUM was savagely defeated by FLICKED BOOGERS in a 4 minute Challenge struggle. HAWAIIAN KONA devastated STAR in a popular 2 minute mismatched Challenge brawl. ZOMBI 2 was savagely defeated by WILD FLOWER in a exciting 4 minute Challenge match. 100 PUNKS was overpowered by TWIG in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge fight. JAYSON DAYDE was beaten by NIAGARA FALLS in a 3 minute gruesome Challenge fight. SARDASIA demolished NYSTERIOUS WAYS in a 1 minute uneven Challenge bout. BEAST XVII vanquished READY, STEADY, GO in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge fray. KING ROCKER overpowered MASTER EXPLODER in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge match. SISTER MOON vanquished HARD CIDER in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge match. MONKEY PAW was vanquished by ASP VI in a 1 minute brutal one-sided Challenge fight. SENTINEL was viciously subdued by THE AFRICAN QUEEN in a 3 minute Challenge bout. MISS PIGGY overpowered BREAKABLE in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fray. FEZ was unbelievably bested by WHITE WOLF IX in a exciting 3 minute Challenge duel. AGMOUR overpowered JOHNNY in a popular 3 minute brutal uneven Challenge duel. SQUEEZE THE LEMONS subdued CROP CIRCLE in a popular 6 minute Challenge fight. BROTHER WOLF savagely defeated POLITICIAN in a popular 6 minute Challenge bout. JIMMY PITT luckily beat TOGS CHOKER in a 3 minute Challenge contest. STITCHES demolished VETERAN MERCENARY in a 1 minute one-sided struggle. PEACH FUZZ handily defeated VENGANZA in a 1 minute one-sided fight. GHNSGFI was murdered by 911 in a 1 minute one-sided conflict. WILD YOUTH vanquished RESPECT THE PACKAGE in a 1 minute one-sided bout. DARIUS won victory over GUNPOWDER in a 2 minute bloody bout. NOODLY APPENDIX demolished SHA'LONDA in a 1 minute uneven competition. SHRIVELLED PRUNE was overpowered by IJEOOGI in a 1 minute one-sided fight. ZIG-ZAG MAN won victory over SETH DRAVEN in a crowd pleasing 1 minute duel. BUSTED NUTS was subdued by SUGAR in a action packed 3 minute conflict. MCSCROD viciously subdued RUTHLESS JAYWALKER in a 1 minute bloody fight. CRUCIFIED was beaten by DOPEY in a action packed 1 minute competition. BLACK DEATH was overcome by WARM PIRATE in a exciting 5 minute match. BIOZOMBIE was overpowered by PLATO in a action packed 1 minute one-sided battle. BREMEN was beaten by SOCRATES in a 2 minute bout. SHAMIKA was handily defeated by GLITTERDOOM in a 1 minute gruesome mismatched bout. ARISTOTLE was demolished by THE EX in a exciting 1 minute brutal mismatched match. DESEARTES was savagely defeated by SCARLET ABATTOIR in a popular 5 minute fight. HARUSPEX outwaited EYE SPY in a tiresome 14 minute conflict. GALILEO viciously subdued STINK I in a exciting 4 minute bloody battle. IICERGS overpowered BRITTLE in a 1 minute one-sided brawl. SPAM demolished TEMPE FACER SCROD in a 1 minute mismatched contest. MRS. ROBINSON beat FLIMSY in a 1 minute bout. TONTO vanquished TOGS DIXIE2 in a popular 1 minute one-sided struggle. BLUE ICE devastated I IN THE SKY in a 1 minute mismatched conflict. MANHATTAN PROJECT was beaten by LITTLE AYE in a 3 minute match. BCS was outlasted by SANCTIMONIOUS in a popular 12 minute conflict. ROAD TRIP was devastated by APEP in a crowd pleasing 1 minute one-sided fight. ONLYFORTOGS was demolished by THE DECEIVER in a 1 minute uneven duel. ZOMBIE XXIX was beaten by JORMUNGANDR in a 5 minute gory novice's fight. PIE I was vanquished by TOGS SLACKER in a monotonous 4 minute one-sided duel. FU LENG was subdued by TESS TOOBES in a 1 minute duel. FRAIL narrowly defeated BANSHEE XXXI in a 2 minute bloody fight. BATTLE REPORT MOST POPULAR RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS |FIGHTING STYLE FIGHTS FIGHTING STYLE W - L - K PERCENT| |STRIKING ATTACK 31 STRIKING ATTACK 195 - 148 - 8 57 | |LUNGING ATTACK 23 PARRY-STRIKE 21 - 19 - 0 53 | |TOTAL PARRY 15 AIMED BLOW 65 - 63 - 2 51 | |AIMED BLOW 14 TOTAL PARRY 84 - 89 - 0 49 | |SLASHING ATTACK 13 PARRY-LUNGE 11 - 12 - 0 48 | |WALL OF STEEL 9 PARRY-RIPOSTE 7 - 8 - 0 47 | |BASHING ATTACK 7 SLASHING ATTACK 55 - 65 - 1 46 | |PARRY-STRIKE 4 LUNGING ATTACK 103 - 122 - 4 46 | |PARRY-LUNGE 2 WALL OF STEEL 44 - 55 - 3 44 | |PARRY-RIPOSTE 1 BASHING ATTACK 29 - 49 - 5 37 | Turn 447 was great if you Not so great if you used The fighting styles of the used the fighting styles: the fighting styles: top eleven warriors are: PARRY-RIPOSTE 1 - 0 LUNGING ATTACK 11 - 12 7 STRIKING ATTACK PARRY-STRIKE 3 - 1 TOTAL PARRY 7 - 8 2 LUNGING ATTACK STRIKING ATTACK 16 - 15 WALL OF STEEL 4 - 5 1 SLASHING ATTACK AIMED BLOW 7 - 7 SLASHING ATTACK 4 - 9 1 AIMED BLOW PARRY-LUNGE 1 - 1 BASHING ATTACK 2 - 5 TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE FIGHTING STYLE WARRIOR W L K PNTS TEAM NAME STRIKING ATTACK I OWN INDIMAR 8084 14 9 0 132 4000 BLOWS (107) SLASHING ATTACK PEACH FUZZ 8095 13 8 1 103 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) LUNGING ATTACK ZOMBIELUST 8181 11 6 0 97 4000 BLOWS (107) AIMED BLOW DAY BY DAY 8338 10 4 1 97 GENX PERFECT HITS (620) BASHING ATTACK PLUM 8094 9 8 2 72 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) WALL OF STEEL ACIDULOUS 8384 11 3 0 71 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518) PARRY-STRIKE TWIG 8096 10 9 1 62 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615) TOTAL PARRY ZOMBI 2 8571 6 3 0 60 WILD CARDS (148) PARRY-LUNGE NIAGARA FALLS 8533 8 5 0 47 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579) Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above. The overall popularity leader is ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083. The most popular warrior this turn was DEAD ALIVE 8503. The ten other most popular fighters were BLACK DEATH 8446, BCS 8609, BOY GEORGE 8378, CROP CIRCLE 8577, SCARLET ABATTOIR 8474, THE AFRICAN QUEEN 8473, GALILEO 8548, WILD FLOWER 8443, BROTHER WOLF 8622, and BUSTED NUTS 7134. The least popular fighter this week was HARUSPEX 8559. The other ten least popular fighters were PIE I 8619, SANCTIMONIOUS 8627, POLITICIAN 8586, TOGS SLACKER 8631, ONLYFORTOGS 8601, I IN THE SKY 8588, FLIMSY 8604, TEMPE FACER SCROD 8506, BRITTLE 8605, and EYE SPY 8596. The following warriors have traveled to AD after fighting this turn: VENREK (60-7477) DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)