Date   : 07/25/2008    Duedate: 08/07/2008


DM-60    TURN-447

This Weeks Top Honors


4000 BLOWS (107)
(60-8084) [14-9-0,132]

Chartered Recognition Leader   Unchartered Recognition Leader

BOY GEORGE                     GLITTERDOOM
(60-8378) [12-6-1,136]         (60-8585) [4-1-0,56]

Popularity Leader              This Weeks Favorite

ZIG-ZAG MAN                    DEAD ALIVE
MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)           WILD CARDS (148)
(60-7083) [16-14-1,68]         (60-8503) [8-4-0,90]



Team Name                  Point Gain  Chartered Team
2. DEATH STUDS VII (301)       48      ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
3. 4000 BLOWS (107)            48      Unchartered Team
4. CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)      39
5. PURE EVIL (629)             38      DRAGON FLIGHT (640)

The Top Teams

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
 1/ 1 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)   163 107  8 60.4   1/ 9 DREAMTIME (633)          10  5 0
 2/ 2 GRECO-ROMAN (639)         36  24  1 60.0   2/11 4000 BLOWS (107)          9  6 0
 3/ 3 DEATH STUDS VII (301)    541 431 20 55.7   3/13 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)    9  6 0
 4/ 4 CRAZY CREEPS (207)       619 504 23 55.1   4/ 4 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)   9  6 0
 5/ 5 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)   52  43  8 54.7   5/ 1 LUROCIANS T308 (636)      9  6 0
 6/12 DREAMTIME (633)           45  39  0 53.6   6/12 CRAZY CREEPS (207)        8  7 2
 7/ 7 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430) 253 224 14 53.0   7/ 6 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)    8  7 2
 8/ 8 WILD CARDS (148)         812 723 34 52.9   8/ 5 GRECO-ROMAN (639)         8  7 1
 9-10 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)      48  43  2 52.7   9/ 2 WILD CARDS (148)          8  7 0
10/ 6 LUROCIANS T308 (636)      33  30  0 52.4  10/ 7 DEMONS OF DARKNESS (430)  8  7 0
11/ 9 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)   37  34  2 52.1  11/ 8 PASTAFARIANS (630)        8  7 0
12/11 PASTAFARIANS (630)        49  46  0 51.6  12/10 PURE EVIL (629)           7  7 0
13/13*DRAGON FLIGHT (640)        6   6  0 50.0  13/14 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)   7  8 0
14-14*LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)      5   5  0 50.0  14/ 3 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      7  8 0
15/32*NIHILISTIC ENDEAVO (642)   3   3  0 50.0  15/20 DEATH STUDS VII (301)     6  9 0
16-16 SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586)  48  49  3 49.5  16/19 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)   5  5 0
17/17 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)   123 126  5 49.4  17/18 HIT ME WITH... (503)      5  8 1
18/18 4000 BLOWS (107)         719 789 32 47.7  18/23 CLNGE (638)               5 10 0

Career Win-Loss Record           W   L  K    %  Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns    W  L K
19/21 PURE EVIL (629)           44  49  3 47.3  19/17 TPW FOREVER (619)         4  5 0
20/19 WING HOVE (529)          134 153  7 46.7  20/16 FUNKY FOLK (565)          4  5 0
21/20 MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)      93 107  4 46.5  21/26*JGW PERISABLE! (641)      4  7 0
22/25 HIT ME WITH... (503)      91 113  4 44.6  22/21 THE EYES HAVE IT (632)    4 11 0
23/22 TPW FOREVER (619)         45  56  4 44.6  23-24 SUPERIOR FORCES 16 (586)  3  1 1
24/27 FUNKY FOLK (565)          75 107 10 41.2  24/28*DRAGON FLIGHT (640)       3  1 0
25/29 CLNGE (638)               24  37  0 39.3  25/25 WING HOVE (529)           3  3 1
26/31 NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)   23  36  1 39.0  26/30*NIHILISTIC ENDEAVO (642)  3  3 0
27/28 THE EYES HAVE IT (632)    26  41  1 38.8  27-27 HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)      3  6 0
28/26 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)    23  37  1 38.3  28/22 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)    3 12 0
29/15*JGW PERISABLE! (641)       4   7  0 36.4  29-32*LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)     0  1 0

    '*'   Unchartered team                       '-'  Team did not fight this turn
   (###)  Avoid teams by their Team Id          ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank

                                    TEAM SPOTLIGHT

    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ ****Devil's Workshop Turn 12**** ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                         The Good, the Bad, and the FONZies

     "That will show them," I thought as I hammered the last nail into place.  There
was no way zombies were going to break into my guild house and eat my brain.  I
didn't have much to spare, and the idea of a mindless FONZ drone trying to nibble on
my scalp was not the most pleasant of thoughts.  It had already happened to me once
before, but they put that guy in jail, and I believe gave him a cell beside R. Kelly.
So, I decided to barricade my guild house and protect what was mine.  The fact that I
had put up the barriers on the windows and doors before my gladiators made it in was
of no consequence to me.  Also, I had accidentally sealed myself in my guild house
with some old guy.  Why he was in my guild house anyway?
     Others had noticed the increased zombie sightings and missing people in Aradi.
It had all started down at the docks, but soon spread in to the respectable parts of
the city.  No one was quite sure who was behind the increased zombie activity, but
people had their suspicions.  Grandpa was one of them, but he really didn't like it
when we called him grandpa.  "Around these here parts people call me Creepster," he
was often quoted as saying in a rather irate voice.
     For the most part, Grandpa was a nice man who liked best of all to cure insomnia
with long stories.  His story today was not the slumber inducing type though, he had
an idea where the zombies were coming from in Aradi.  "FONZ!  It has got to be the
FONZ behind all these zombies."
     "What proof do you have to make such a bold accusation?" I asked.  I saw the
fire flash in his eyes at the question.  I didn't have the time today to argue with
him, so I tried to change the subject really quickly, but nothing was coming to me.
I looked around the room for an idea before he began his diatribe to me about
respecting my elders, shutting up while he was talking, changing his Depends in a
timely manner, and the good old days were just better for no other reason than he
remembers them better than he does anything that happened last week.
     I braced myself for what I thought was going to be a long-winded, spittle-laden
rant, when it happened.  There was a thump on the barricaded door to the guild house.
Both of us turned to look at the blocked door and the gentle thumping sound coming
from the outside.
     "What was that," I asked.  "Is it the zombies?"  I went to the door and pressed
my ear against the plywood sheet, the three-quarter inch shield that was keeping my
brain from becoming a slurpie for a zombie.  All I could hear was a low rumbling
gurgle on the other side.  Surely the zombies are here I thought!
     Having long ago decided that I was going to die with some dignity, I hid myself
behind The Creepster.  He was old, but a meat shield is a meat shield and zombies
were NOT known to be picky eaters when it came to brains.  It was then the thumps on
the door grew progressively worse until finally the whole guild house was rattling as
the zombies tried to break through the barriers I had erected.
     We both huddled in the corner and waited for the inevitable.  We were sure the
zombies would burst through the door and swarm us!  What chance would we have against
a countless horde of mindless abominations?  Mindless abominations, huh, maybe the
FONZ is behind the zombies after all.  I apologized to Grandpa/Creepster for doubting
him before.  As I finished my act of contrition, a hand barreled through the plywood
over the door.
     I hunkered down and waited for the impending doom, making sure Creepster was in
front of me.  Sure, I was going to die, but no need to rush up to the front of the
death train with pointless heroics.  However, the horror that came through the door
was worse than either of us could have imagined.
     "Hi, we are from the Church of Latter Day Fonzies!  Have you ever thought of
giving your eternal soul to FONZ?  Sure you have, let me show you how!" the young man
said, followed by countless others pouring through the now broken door.  They were
all dressed in white button up shirts with black pants.  Each also wore a name tag
and pink leg-warmers.
     "FONZINARIES!!!" Creepster screamed and fell over clutching his chest.  The
horror was just too much for his old heart to take.
     I looked around for anything that I could use as a weapon.  I prayed for zombies
to arrive and eat my brain, but no such luck!  I finally found a spoon that one of my
gladiators had left in the foyer, they were such slobs.  It wasn't much, but it was
all that I had at the moment.
     The FONZinary began his opening again and was now focused upon me.  Before he
could finish, I took the spoon and shoved it into my ear!  The pain was excruciating
and everything was beginning to go black.  The FONZinary's voice was distant and
fading out more and more each moment.  People will later ask why I chose to shove a
spoon in my ear rather than be converted to the Church of Latter Day FONZies.  My
explanation in the next life will be simple.  "If I was going to experience that much
pain, I was going to do it to myself."

            + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ UNFAIR JUDGEMENT ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                    A Crazy Creeps TOGS Almost-Done Presentation

      "We have to do something about this!" urged the Crazy Creeps Scribe.  "It is
simply unfair to you two guys!  It is."  She was, of course addressing The Creepster
and Slugbait about the situation in Aradi whereby they, the two good guys, were being
accused of participating in the backstabbing and mugging of Mister Soultaker and
Master Death Stud.  There had been various newsletters published (Thankfully the
IAWAFP had not published the speculative information due to its inadequate support
and verification.  That was the only truthful publication left in Aradi.  The other
rags were, of course, FONZ controlled and dictated.) indicating that both The
Creepster and Slugbait were in on the muggings along with all the other managers in
Aradi.  Not true.  Not true at all.
     "Not fair.  Me got alibi.  Boss too.  Good alibi.  Me smash em!" replied
Slugbait, forgetting for the moment that he was no longer in the head-bashing
business.  "Me make tell true.  Cowards!"
     "Yippy ki yi alibi bye bye bim bam boneronious!  Sicko wicko wacky FONZerific
cheaping chopping scuzzball willy wally woe!" spouted The Crazy Creepster.
     "I know.  I know," The Crazy Creeps Scribe replied.  "I will get something done
about this."  And off she hustled, in her skin-tight white capri pants, to take on
the task of The Unfair Judgement.  Both Slugbait and The Creepster enjoyed watching
her wiggle off, knowing a determined Scribe would overcome all odds.  More
importantly, she would look mighty mighty fine doing so.  After she left, Slugbait
took his leave to get back to his new "problem-solving business" and The Creepster
returned to his coloring book and favorite Crayolas.  (An interesting and little-
known fact is that the Creepster's favorite color is yellow.)
     The first thing The Crazy Creeps Scribe did was to check out the two
C.O.L.L.U.S.I.O.N. managers' alibis.  They had allegedly been in Fratsfa visiting at
The Flower Shoppe, establishing a contact between Lady Fern, manager of The Flower
Girls, and Slugbait.  The Creepster, a member of The Consortium, was great friends
with Lady Fern.  Indeed, Slugbait had been granted an Aradi business representative
status (e.g. pimp) for The Flower Girls.  Lady Fern and two of her Flower Girls were
willing to testify in court as to both Slugbait and The Creepster being with them in
Fratsfa at the time of the alleged muggings.  They were both evaluating the Flower
Girl's wares.  (Slugbait twice.)  The Crazy Creep's Scribe was also able to acquire
copies of the transportation tickets for both managers, further assuring their
innocence.  Clearly these two fine managers had not been a party to the alleged
Soultaker/Death Stud muggings.
     Next The Scribe investigated the actual occurrences of that night.  Amazingly
enough, (Well, not so amazing to most.) she found that the muggings had not actually
occurred at all, but were rather another FONZ (Faking Orchestrators Now Zots)
collusion scam.  She was able to acquire evidence, most from her friends and
associates in the Aradi Police Force that the alleged muggings had not occurred and
were a publicity stunt initiated by Hombre, Snotman, Samwise and Nuln of The FONZ.
(Faithless Oafs Nearly Zeroes)  The truth was that silly Soultaker and short-stuff
Death Stud had a falling-out leading to a rather serious fight between themselves.
After becoming inebriated at the local pub, and egged on by SHNS (Snotman, Hombre,
Nuln, Samwise), the two THREECHEAT partners took it outside.  Minuscule Stud drew his
needle-like short sword, and Soultaker pulled out his wet noodle and they went after
each other with serious gusto.  (Wasn't that a sight for sore eyes?)
     SHNS called the police after the two dimwits had scratched each other up and
collapsed from exhaustion and inebriation.  SHNS offered the police the hoax that all
the managers from Aradi, some who had run away from the scene of the crime, had
participated in a big brawl, started by short Stud and simple Soultaker.  (The police
were skeptical since none of SHNS looked the least like they had participated in a
battle, and were having a hard time keeping from laughing as they told the story.
     The next day, all the FONZ-controlled liberal rags and magazines had the story
Crazy Creeps Scribe had found the truth.
     But what to do about it now?  The Scribe reported back to Slugbait and The
Creepster with copies of the proof, and they had a powwow.  In the end, they decided
to do nothing other than to keep copies of the evidence and let the story continue to
circulate.  After all, no one really did like either tiny, autocratic, and pompous
Death Stud and not-so-tiny, mean, and manipulative Soultaker.
     Another success and closure for The Crazy Creeps Scribe.  Another proof of 
collusion by the FONZ.  (Freaking Oxlike Neanderthal Cliches)  All was normal in

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
    -----     -----     -----    [Samwise the Bald ]    -----     -----     ----

     When we last saw our hero, Death Stud, he had just successfully flirted with
Bertha.  Rather than subject the general TOGS public to the gruesome details, this
writer will merely summarize the details and provide the TOGS masses with a "Top Ten"
list of moments during the very early part of the Death Stud-Bertha courtship as it
has developed over the past several weeks.  Keep in mind; these are merely the Top
Ten, according to this writer.  I would dare say that our not-so-discreet couple has
had many a moment that has attracted attention.  I would invite the other denizens of
Aradi to share any moments they observed in the personal ads section of next turn's
     Alas, I have tarried too long and used up only ten lines of my spotlight at this
point.  So, without further adieu, in order from great to greatest:

Top Ten Moments of the Death Stud-Bertha Romantic Story of a Lifetime (to date):

10.  Bertha needs stitches after waking to discover she had nearly smothered Death
     Stud during the night.  In his desperation to escape, he tried to chew his way
 9.  Bertha wakes up, rolls over, and discovers Death Stud is stuck.  Yeah, there.
 8.  Bertha is spotted around Aradi, walking with Death Stud nestled comfortably and
    safely in her cleavage.  He uses her chest hair as a blankey.
 7.  Death Stud is hospitalized after being beaten by a small mob.  He attempted to
     save Bertha from an angry mob of villagers chasing the ogress.
 6.  Bertha wins the weekly "Midget Toss" contest at the Crotchety Crab.  Death Stud
     is the tossed.
 5.  Bertha becomes a local star of the Aradi Wrestling Federation.  Wrestling under
     the name, "The Revolting Blob," she captures the World Heavyweight Title.  Her
     manager is a diminutive sort known as "El Nino."
 4.  Death Stud wins a local eating contest.  Mysteriously, he sits at even height
     with the table without a booster seat.  Bertha is nowhere to be seen.
 3.  Bertha quits her dishwashing job at the Crotchety Crab.  Samwise is so upset, he
     attempts to buy back her services with a gift of a large sum of money to Death
     Stud.  He is seen stating, "Thank You!" over and over as he shakes Death Stud's
     hand to the point that his shoulder is dislocated.
 2.  Death Stud and Bertha run for their lives at the beach.  Apparently, the crowd
     mistook Bertha for something else and tried to help her back into the water.
 1.  Death Stud proposes to Bertha on a double date with Patty the Fatty and
     Soultaker.  Death Stud does not do same on one knee.  It would be hard to
     propose to Bertha's hairy toes.  He does so from Soultaker's shoulders and is
     nearly able to look Bertha in the eyes.

             + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ MY BEST BUDS 2 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

 A return to Fant-ARADI-sy Island (Running out of ideas so rehash is the best I can
come up with for now and at least I am actually writing a spot this turn compared to
                    the last 3!) Yes that is the title!

     Studoo slipped on his immaculate white suit and best bow-tie for the grand re-
opening of Fant-ARADI-sy Island. There were some complaints after the last one.
Something about making a Delarquan go soft or some business like that. Who knows but
that is neither ,or is that neither, here nor there, or anywhere for that matter (or
     He strode out of his cabana headed for the docks of Collusion Cove on the Isle
of Aradi. In the distance the sound of a small Prop Dragon could be heard. Studoo
rushed for the dock not wanting to be late to recite his famous line, he would have
to sack his personal valet for not waking him early enough to get to the dock on
time. "Miserable sack of lazy no good rotting dead horse beating carcass piece of
manure laden wretched refuse vile putrescent vomitous....." he said under his breath.
He really said something else but I hired the Crazy Creeps scribe to change it into a
filtered/censored version worthy of print.
     "That boy will pay dearly in the Dark Arena in the next rounds fights if I miss
de-Plane." he continued. Yes the Prop Dragon's name is de-Plane and no he's not a
French Dragon either. Though the puffy shirt look and name might give you that idea.
He ran as fast as his little legs could take him and as he saw the Prop Dragon set
down in the cove he took a deep breath and shouted...... But before he could he heard
a foreign accented voice call out, "de-Plane de-Plane boss!"
     "What in the name of God's Sam Hill is going on,' he thought to himself. As he
came onto the dock he saw Sandmantalbon standing on the dock in  his usual place and
usual attire but there was another short guy next to him. "Ahhh Studoo welcome to
Fant-ARADI-sy Island...." he started but was interrupted by Studoo. "Who the heck is
this guy. What the heck I'm like one minute late and you already have somebody else
in my place."
     "Relax my dear friend Studoo this is Herve Villechaize he will be standing in
for you today." Sandmantalbon exclaimed. "Like heck he will," Studoo replied, "I need
this second job to pay for my guildhouse property tax this is total Bull--"
Sandmantalbon interrupted and explained that today would be his fantasy.
     "This is like some kinda' joke right?" Studoo asked. "I mean we are clearly on
our way to winning ToGS I have no need to have a fantasy fulfilled I am a Duel2 GOD!
Soultaker get out here now this joke ain't funny!!!" He paused looking around. "Damn
it I said get out here you lazy needing to be carried sad sack of pus. I haven't got
time to fool around I need to finish this gig and get back to training my warriors to
carry your sorry sack of losers to victory."
     Sandmantalbon assured him he was to have his fantasy fulfilled today and
although it was Soultaker's idea it was no joke. "He wanted you to have a day in
which you would not have to take jokes about your size, especially from him! So climb
on board de-Plane and begin your fantasy."
     "How the heck is he going to pull this off I mean my size is unmistakable this
is a unfulfillable fantasy as nice as it would be." Studoo mused to himself lost in
daydream almost missing Sandmantalbon call out,  "All you must do is call on Big
Clarence and Gemini and your FANTASY SHALL COME TRUE!"
     Studoo arrived at the docks of Fant-ARADI-sy island and disembarked de-Plane. He
came upon TGG and Rillion sitting in lounge chairs on the beach. Rillion was drinking
dinner as TGG was having himself a nice Shirley Temple complete with a pastel tie-dye
colored umbrella inserted in the glass, pinky in the air as he sipped. Rillion was
loaded like a handgun and called out, "Hey there little fella! If it's not to much
trouble Studoo bring me a drink." Rillion elbowed TGG and said, "Poor fella' lost his
second gig to guy twice his size and still not even 4 foot tall" just loud enough for
Studoo to here then chuckled awkwardly as TGG slumped into his chair.
     "No good lousy drunk piece of crap. Thank a lot Sandman." Studoo grumbled before
he remembered what Sanmantalbon told him about his fantasy. So he followed through
and BAMMMMM Big Clarence and Gemini slapped Rillion silly. Later Crazy Creepster
called him short and BAMMMMMM Big Clarence and Gemini slapped him around too. "Well
Yankee Doodly rudely roo shamma-lamma-dingly dongly damn," the Creepster exclaimed as
he bowed before the great Studoo. It wasn't long before Big Clarence and Gemini had
garnered Studoo the respect he deserved and all bowed before him refusing to comment
on his height lest they get a taste of Big Clarence again.
     Upon returning to the dock Sandmantalbon asked how his fantasy had turned out.
Studoo smiled and said "Just great you piece of S..." his voice could no longer be
heard as Big Clarence and Gemini slapped Herve and Sandman silly.
     "Today was truly a great BIG DAY!" Studoo thought as he walked away with his new
best friends Big Clarence and Gemini!

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
************ Aradi in the springtime...Love is in the air *** By Snotman ************

     The birds were singing, the bees were buzzing (I can say birds and bees without
getting censored, right Ed?) and springtime had come to Aradi.  The long dark winter
was over, the TOGS was coming to an end and there was love in the air.  Friends
mended old disagreements and old lovers' relationships sparked fresh and new.  A
stroll through the streets might show Manager and Death Stud sitting at a cafe table,
a dozen empty cans of Coors light on the table in front of them as Death Stud and
Manager agreed that the TOGS was supposed to be fun and they should stop worrying
about who used what tourney prize and who killed who's warrior and whether or not it
was OK to resurrect a dead warrior to avoid a bloodfeud.  At last Manager rose to
leave and Death Stud stumbled over to him, "I luv you man!  You know that don't you?"
and gave him a quick man-hug.  Then Manager turned to leave Death Stud gave him a
reassuring pat on the butt (It's been made clear that's as high as he can reach.  You
should consider a pat on the butt from Death Stud to be a pat on the back from any
other manager).
     Elsewhere in Aradi, Anti was having an intimate diner with his left hand.  He
had painted red lips and eyes on the hand and it was wearing a blond wig (or maybe it
was just a tangle of yellow yarn).  The immaculately dressed waiter at Chatau
Le'Frenchie pretended not to notice as Anti and his left hand snuck a quick smooch
(french of course).
     Still elsewhere a stray dog barked and instead of being decapitated by a raving
chaos lord, he encountered a female dog and doggy style loving ensued.  Yea, truly
love was in the air.
     At the house in a upscale neighborhood that Snotman had rented, he was trying
his own hand at love.  He was now regretting going out drinking with Nuln instead of
reviving the Crazy Creepster's Scribe right away.  As the good reader may recall, a
critical factor in the quality of the zombie is the time elapsed between death and
reanimation.  For the best zombies, the reanimation process should be started while
the subject is still alive.  What the reader may not be aware of is that the quality
of the ingredients used in the zombification process is also important.  The dagger
made of obsidian, the eye of a newt and whisker of kittens and puppy dog tails, the
ashes of a murderer used to draw the runes and circles, all matter.  If say, you
substitute, say, a steak knife, the eye of a rat, whiskers of a rat, tail of rat and
the ashes of some old newsletters, the results might differ.  The more Snotman
thought about it, maybe he should have gone shopping to Necros R' Us or something
instead of drinking and then making do with inferior tools.  Maybe the Crazy
Creepster's Scribe might have come out a little bit less...zombie-like.
     Snotman with love in his eyes, pressed the button and a jolt of electricity
surged through the Crazy Creepster's Scribe.  She bared her teeth and struggles
against the heavy chains that stopped her from getting out of her chair before
subsiding back into her chair, "Remember, you start from the outside, with the salad
fork." Snotman wearily repeated.
     "Grrr!  Arrgh!" the Crazy Creepster's Scribe growled.
     "And use your words when other people are around." Snotman reminded her.
     "I find it very frustrating that my base, zombie side keeps asserting itself.  I
know which fork to use to use, my love, but when I see the brains...right...in...
front...of..."  the Crazy Creepster's Scribe trailed off drool trailing down her chin
as she focused on the elegant slivers of brain, walnuts, chevre and dried cranberries
mixed with tender baby greens.
     Snotman sighed as gave her another jolt of juice.  He was equally frustrated
that she was fully there sometimes and their love could be fully realized and so
strong and then a few moments later she was like a complete stranger.  A complete
stranger with an insatiable appetite for human brains.
     Snotman tenderly cupped her chin, "Honey, I think that we are going to have to
take baby steps.  I won't serve any brains when Nuln comes over for dinner.  We will
get through this together but I don't think that you are ready for the challenge of
having a calm, civilized dinner in the face of tender, juicy, succulent brains.  And
clad in his chaos plate, Nuln will be a lot less tempting than Rillion and the Greek
Guy were, or at least safer."
     Snotman thumbed over at the couch where Rillion and Greek Guy sat, the tops of
the heads removed and the insides of their skulls picked clean and gnawed upon
(welcome to the big time boys...you've really earned his spotlight murder).
     The next evening, Snotman was sure to feed the Crazy Creepster's Scribe early
(it was Soultaker's brain so it was just a light snack) before Nuln came over.  When
the doorbell rang, Snotman and the Crazy Creepster's Scribe answered the door
together and Nuln managed to contain his surprise and keep up the normal small talk
until he Snotman went out onto the back patio, with beers in hand, to grill the
steak, "You 'ol softie.  I knew that you had a soft spot for her still."
     Snotman grinned, "Yeah, I mean she ripped out my heart and threw it, still
beating, into a trash bin but I got over it.  After the hole in my chest healed up I
was able to get a bit more perspective on the whole thing but while she was working
for the Crazy Creepster it could never work out.  I mean sure we stole a couple of
secret...encounters but there was no way that it could progress any more than that.
And there was always the fear of exposure and...frankly that was kind of exciting but
also terrifying.  I mean I couldn't even tell you."
     Nuln took a deep breath, held it for a second and then decided to plunge ahead,
"Um, so you ran her down with your carriage, zombified her and now are dating her?
And this somehow resolved the conflict in your professional lives?"
     Snotman grinned, "Now that I'm the necromancer and she's my minion, that pretty
much settles the issue of her allegiance to the Creepster."
     "So you guys are out now?" Nuln questioned.
     "Well, we are coming out, right now you are the only one who knows about it.  We
are still working on some issues around the zombification."
     Nuln grinned, "Good, so you have a plan for the hideous stitching that is
holding her face together?"
     Snotman's expression darkened, "I thought that did a pretty good job with the
     Nuln, realizing that he'd really put his foot in it hastily added, "Um, yeah I
didn't even notice it at first.  And it looks like you have a really neat hand with a
needle and thread."
     Then looking to change the subject he added, "It looks like you lost a fight
with a lawnmower yourself."
     Snotman raised his three fingered hand up to where his right ear had been, "She
is a very passionate lover.  And sometimes, in the heat of the moment, she gets a
little confused.  The chains and the cattle prod help and sometimes they can add a
little extra edge, if you know what I mean.  Everything is regrowing but it's a lot
slower than just reattaching the part."

The rest of the evening passed uneventfully except for that one time when the Crazy
Creepster's Scribe crept up behind Nuln when he and Snotman were sitting on the couch
and tried to take a little nip o' brain.  Snotman, ever prepared, had the crazy glue
on hand to replace the teeth she lost on Nuln's chaos plate.

                + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Blackmail ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                     by Rillion

     Rillion sat sunning himself by the pool in the backyard of the Demons of
Darkness Guildhouse.  Every few minutes he would take a swig from his Magical Mug of
Never-ending Frosty Cold Beer.  'Ah, this is the life,' he thought to himself.  'It
is so nice not to have to worry about doing any work; I can just take a few days,
relax, and enjoy the simple pleasures of not having to do anything.'  Occasionally he
would glance at the pile of blank paper next him.  'Hmm, I guess at some point I
should write some messages to be delivered to the Gladiatorial Commission.  I wonder
what day it is?' He thought as he glanced up sun, 'Looks to be Noonday.  I don't
think the stuff for Aradi is due yet, *yawn*, boy this doing nothing is sure tiring,
time for another nap.  Besides, its not like TGG and I have a chance at winning this
     Rillion woke up as the contents of his Magical mug of Never-ending Frosty Cold
Beer were poured over his sun-burned face.  "Rillion, how could you flake on me!?!"
screamed The Greek Guy.  "Do you realize we could be in third place right now if you
had gotten your act together?!?  I've got to work eighteen jobs to support my fifty
kids and I managed to hold up my end of the bargain and my team went five and oh," it
was about at this point that Rillion fell back asleep.  A couple minutes later he
work back up and TGG was just finishing up, "and what excuse do you have now for not
doing anything?"
     "Um, I was so busy doing nothing that I lost track of time?" replied Rillion.
    "That's not good enough!  We can win this thing, I need you to hold up your end
of things.  My team is finally performing, we stayed close and now with just a couple
good turns we can win TOGS, overcome all the FONZarelli collusion, and finally put a
rest our reputations as chokers," said The Greek Guy as he started tossing the
poolside furniture into the pool.
     "Okay TGG, I'll tell you the truth.  That is if you can handle the truth?  Well
can you?  The truth is I don't care about winning.  I don't think we can win, and if
we try all this going to happen is we are going to get close then choke at the end
and instead of getting rid of our reputation as TOGS chokers, we are just going to
add another chapter to the Rillion and The Greek Guy Always Choke At The End of TOGS
Pop-Up Storybook.  So if we aren't going to win, why should I even bother?  Besides,
have you seen my team lately?  My best warrior was mediocre during TOGS and my second
best warrior just got killed."
     "YOU IDIOT, he just got killed, so you can't use him dying this turn as an
excuse for why you quit on me this turn!"
     "Oh, yeah right, but still, my team is really starting to suck.  Even more then
usual.  So again I ask, why should I bother?"
   "Here is why," said TGG as he dropped an envelope of pictures next to Rillion.
     Rillion open the folder and glanced at the pictures, "Okay, you win, I'll do my
job for the rest of the TOGS, even if I think we are still going to choke at the

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
         -----     -----     -----    Soultaker    -----     -----     -----

     "I'm telling you, we have to do something now.  This pussyfooting around has let
them catch up to us," Stud growled and stomped his foot for emphasis.
      "But they are our friends," Soultaker replied with little enthusiasm almost as
if he was trying to convince himself.
     "You call them friends!  Heck neither one of us has healed up yet from the last
time "our friends" paid us a visit," Stud venomously replied.
     "You know they may not have been involved.  It could have been a bunch of
muggers dressed up like our friends to make us hate them.  You know Managerr would do
anything to break up non-alliance," Soultaker pleaded with weak reasoning.
     "As weak minded as our so called friends may be, even Managerr wouldn't be smart
enough to put a plan like that together.  They are all jealous of me and what I have
been able to do at winning the TOGS over and over again," Stud rambled on.
     "Aaaaah yes Brain and what will we do tonight?  Maybe take over the world?  You
are the greatest we all know that," Soultaker jabbed back sarcastically.
     "I didn't mean it that way.  I am just all upset over the petty jealousy and
contempt they show to their betters," Stud puffed his chest out.
     Death Stud turned on his heal and walked over to a large covered blackboard.
Pulling a chair over, the mighty Stud climbed and pulled his tiny body till he was
standing upon the chair like some great mountain climber.  Steadying himself, Stub
closed a tiny, meaty hand upon the cloth covering the board and gave a gut-wrenching
yank.  The effort almost brought the tiny terror off his feet.  The cover came off
the board but slowly settled over the frantic Stud.  Sheer panic took over, and Death
Stud quickly became hopelessly entangled in the suffocating covering.  Soultaker
grimaced in pain as the fit of laughter tweaked the slow healing ribs.  Even with the
pain, Soultaker welcomed the chance to laugh.  After what must have seemed like
forever to Death Stud, but in reality was only maybe a minute or two, Soultaker
untangle the freaked out tyrant.
     Stomping his feet, Death Stud adjusted his clothing and turned on his best
friend.  "I hand it under control," Stud glared at Soultaker as he was folding up the
large cloth.
     "This is the plan," Stud pointed at the writing on the blackboard.
     "What plan?  All I see is a list of manager names under a heading of "Bucket
List".  Is this supposed to be something we do before we die," Soultaker asked.
     "No, this is a list of those that is supposed to die.  I figure that when we
destroy everyone for the third straight contest, they will be too embarrassed to
compete again next year.  So why not take out the competition for good and assure our
victory.  Even if you are in denial, these so called friends beat the crap out of us
and I want payback," Stud replied coldly.
     "Ok, even if you want payback what does this list have to do with it," Soultaker
     "I want us to come up with a plan for each name on the list to take them out.
We can start with the first name on the list and move right down it," Stud stated.
     Soultaker figured he would play along with his friend since he always over
reacted and soon cooled off and forgot about his schemes.  He did have to smile at
the thought of taking out a few on the list.  "I see you have Nuln on the top of your
list.  Do we take extra effort on the first few over the later names," Soultaker
     "I didn't really put them down in any special order.  I am sure a few of the
managers came to my mind first.  You can bet Nuln came to mind because I remember
those ugly boots of his kicking me like a ball," Stud's eyes seemed to glaze over.
     "Well, getting rid of Nuln won't be too difficult.  I mean he isn't the
brightest torch on the street.  I would suggest we lay out some sort of trap to take
him out," Soultaker began to scratch his head in thought.
     "I know, I know," Stud began jumping up and down on the chair.  With a load
scream, Death Stud's recently cracked right leg gave out and he started to collapse
off the chair.
      "I got you," Soultaker yelled out as he caught his itty bitty buddy before
falling to the floor.
     Grimacing through the pain, Stud righted himself and explained through clenched
teeth.  "We can put a bear trap in a cow.  That would get him for sure," Stud grinned 
from ear to ear.
     "Damn that is great idea, but I am afraid it might kill the cow.  How about if
we stake out ol' Bessy?  You know she is his favorite.  Then we dig a deep pit just
behind her.  Fill the pit with sharpened stakes.  Cover the pit and set a bucket on
it," Soultaker started to grin at the thought of Nuln impaled on a huge stake.
     "I still like the bear trap idea better.  We will go with your idea on this
one," Stud agreed.
     "Let's see, next on the list is Elephant.  I really am at a loss in how to make
his death painful," Soultaker apologized.
     "I have just the plan for him, and all it will take is a little money.  We get
word to him that Hombre is at Scrodbucks screwing around and has no plan to write a
spotlight.  That will get him into Scrodbucks were we will have Merlin, and Scrag
waiting for him.  As soon as he shows up, we will have them start telling Elephant
what a loser he is and keep ragging on him.  I have seen him under that pressure
before and it wasn't pretty.  We give those washed up retired managers a little money
and they will wind Elephant up till he is biting his own butt.  As sure as the sun
will rise in the morning, Elephant will charge at them with sword drawn.  We will
have a couple paid thugs to be sitting close by that will intercede on the retired
managers part and low and behold self-defense," Stud beamed as he gasped for breath.
     "Damn, I can live with that.  It is always fun to watch someone wind a person
up," Soultaker chuckled.
     "Next on the list is Mannequin.  You know, I bet we can use about the same plan
to get rid of him," Soultaker offered.
     "As long as he suffers a lot, I don't care," Stud added.
     "Well, you are going to have to set the wheels in motion on this one.  It seems
that Samwise has been what you might call "a little peeved" over Mannequin's somewhat
inactivity.  What you need to do is go over and wind Samwise up.  Just tell him that
Mannequin was complaining about his partner's challenges, and that if Samwise would
just win a few fights he wouldn't have to worry about silly spotlights.  Just
remember to have Samwise take a weapon with him.  I will get Mannequin to meet me at
Scrodbucks and keep him occupied.  This should be a no miss since if I know Samwise
he will fly off the handle and rush in swinging and lop off that lopsided head of
Mannequins.  If he fails to kill him, I will slip some poison in his drink.
Hopefully they kill each other," Soultaker clasped his hands together in the symbol
of a prayer.
     "I think I have a good idea for getting rid of the next one.  Normally, Snotman
would be a hard one to get off alone since he stays in the temple of Khorne most all
the time.  There are two things he is regular about and that is walking Wayne King
the goat and his visits to Farmer boB's farm.  I was thinking about stealing Wayne
and sending Snotman an invite for a free plate of BBQ goat to get him outside, but I
think laying in wait for him at farmer boB's would be a better bet.  I have been told
that he has a real thing for that new angus cow.  Let me see, I think her name is
Nellie.  All we have to do is sneak in the barn early and make sure Nellie is in the
loading chute pen were there is very little room to maneuver.  Snotman will think
that farmer boB has set Nellie up for him.  We wait up in the hayloft above the chute
until he is occupied then we dump two 50lb bags of salt on him.  You've seen what
salt does to slugs," Soultaker finished.
     "Yeah that sounds fun.  We can poke him with sticks as he withers up and dies,"
Stud's eyes lit up at the idea.
     "What about the next one," Stud asked.
     "I really don't see the rest as a real threat right now.  Heck, Hombre has a
hard enough time remembering which boot goes on what foot.  As long as he is left
alone he will fall into his normal apathetic coma.  If he starts to wake up, we can
always get his attention away from TOGs by giving him a trip to Kolact or the exotic
beachs of Jurine," Soultaker explained.
     "Ok, but what about Greek Guy and Rillion?  I really want to have them killed,"
Stud whined and began pouting.
     "How about we wait one more week for them?  I really want to see them put up
another 0-10," Soultaker begged.

                    + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[  ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
        -----     -----     -----    Death Stud    -----     -----     -----

     Team THREEPEAT was stunned by the unexpected deaths of Howler and
Chondromalacia.  It had been disturbing as it was when the unrest in Aradi and the
animosity of their fellow managers had resulted in a vicious alley beating of Aradi's
most respected, revered, honored, and feared managers (don't forget the revered
part).  But now that things had gone from some grousing and fisticuff to what was
effectively the cruel assassination of two young men with their futures in front of
them like Howler and Chondromalacia, everything took on a more sinister light.  It
was clear that this wasn't just some managers unhappy about their sad little lives
and personal inadequacies, but that it had blossomed into a full, evil conspiracy,
apparently planned out with forethought and malice and had been carefully
     But, who was behind it?  There obviously had to be a single, devious mastermind
behind things that was capable of pulling off a caper like this and it was highly
unlikely that any of the jabroneys in contention in the TOGS could pull it off.
Death Stud laughed out loud to himself at the thought of any of the managers that
were chasing them being capable of coordinating something of this scale.  He ran down
the nincompoop list in his head
     The closest team was the Nutsackz and what a pair of snotty chaos Sackz those
two were.  Nuln was lucky if he could avoid get his Chaos Helm (tm) on backwards in
the morning and often had to be reminded that the Spidey Underoos go on the INSIDE of
your Chaos Armor (tm) so there's no way it could be him.  Snotman on the other hand
was probably capable of something as underhanded as the THREEPEAT warrior slayings,
but his wife no longer allowed him to conspire and plot for death and destruction.
     Punk in Drublic consisted of Hombre and Elephant.  The one called Elephant was a
full-scale tweaker with anger issues and while he would probably like to kill every
one of the THREEPEAT warriors (and their managers), he could never have shown the
restraint to carefully assassinate two warriors and with his level of self-control
would surely have had to be dragged off the bloody corpses still kicking and stabbing
at the lifeless meat sacks.  As for Hombre, he was so unmotivated that merely lifting
his arm was too much effort, let alone all that strenuous planning and scheming and
killing stuff.
     The winners of the "sooper creative TOGS team naming" award, Lurocian Demons
were even less likely than the teams above them.  Sure Rillion might fire off a
couple drunken messages threatening violence on occasion, but he was incapable of
holding a thought as it passed from one ear to the other.  And The Greek Guy?
     The Killer Wedgies had fallen so far out of contention on the strength of
Mannequin's writing consistency and Samwise's challenging prowess that there was
really no point in them trying any funny business.  Plus, given Samwise's history
getting things right when he tried to challenge or plan anything, his hired assassins
would likely have put him six feet under on accident.
     From there on down it was the likes of Creepster, Slugbait, Tigtoad, SwineTiger,
Pauly, Pip the Troll, and a similar menagerie of reprobates and incompetents, with
Manager working as the caboose of the TOGS standings.  Manager would have been an
obvious suspect, but it seemed impossible that anyone would be fooled by his
transparent ploys any more.
     There didn't seem to be any obvious culprits and that made Death Stud worry even
more.  He like to keep his enemies close.

            + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ What Time Is It? ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                By GenX Perfect Hits

     Somewhere a dark alleyway of Aradi we see Indimar crying and walking with a
broken computer in his hand.  Little does Indimar know that someone has been watching
for the last few minutes.  That someone is Hombre.  One see Hombre needs Indimar's
help but doesn't know how to ask for it.  He's unsure because a hour earlier his
TOGSmate, Elephant had busted up Indimar self esteem along with his computer.  What
the heck it's now or never.
     "Yo Indi, that computer looks pretty bad."
     "Thank you Mr. Obvious."
     "Ya know, I know someone that knows how to fix it."
     "You said know three times."
     "Did you catch the fix it part?"
     "Come on man, this thing is a goner."
     "If it's a goner then why are ya carrying it all over Aradi?"
     "Well, there's valuable information on my hard drive."
     "But seriously I do know someone that can fix it for you."
     "I bet it will cost a small fortune."
     "Ok Mr. Downer, do you want it fixed or not?"
     "Sure, who and what?"
     "Who and what, what?"
     "Who's gonna fix it and what's it going to cost me."
     "Heshis Name will fix it"
     "Who is his name?"
     "Not who, Heshis."
     "Ah, Akers!"
     "Why didn't ya say so?"
     "I did."
     "What is it going to cost?"
     "It's not going to cost you anything out of pocket."
     "What's the catch?"
     "I need a small favor."
     "Go on."
     "Remember when Mando was stuck in that loop and you help us get him out?"
     "Yes, but I didn't really help, time helped.  Besides who do you think I am,
Humphry Osmond?"
     "No, but you're acting like Jimmy Osmond.  I need your help with Manager."
     "Oh, you mean you and Elephant need my help."
     "Actually is really just Manager.  Elephant happens to be there with him."
     "I'll help, but you get that damn pachyderm out of the house or I'm not
     "Deal.  Don't forget your computer."
     The two arrive at the safe house.  Hombre tells Indimar to wait outside while he
has Elephant exit out the back of the house.  Hombre enters the house.
     "Adrian?  What time is it?  Man I'm tripping hard." Manager spins around and
then sits on the couch.
     "Elephant, I need to see you in the other room."
     "Adrian?  What time is it?  Man I'm tripping hard." Manager spins around and
then sits on the couch.
     Elephant and Hombre go into the kitchen.
     "Man, I'm so sorry.  Has he stopped repeating himself since I left?"
     "Actually he did for a few minutes."
     "What did he do?"
     "He said Howler Thirteen and Chondromalacia.  Then he started laughing."
     "What happened next?"
     "I asked him what he just said and why it was so funny."
     "Then what?"
     "Then he said Threemeat Deadpeat, it has begun.  Then he went back into his
     "Whoa.  I need you to exit the house out the back.  I have Indimar out front and
he's still pissed."
     "You tell that Peter Griffin looking..."
     "Elephant, please.  Just go.  He can help us with Manager."
     Elephant exits out the back door.  Hombre goes to the front door and waves
Indimar into the house.
     "Adrian?  What time is it?  Man I'm tripping hard." Manager spins around and
then sits on the couch.
     "Is this how he's been?"
     "Adrian?  What time is it?  Man I'm tripping hard." Manager spins around and
then sits on the couch.
     "Yes, it's been nonstop since you left.  Elephant did say he stopped briefly and
said a few other things."
     "Did he say what?"
     "Something about Howler 13, Chondromalacia and Threepeat Deadmeat it has begun."
     "You mean Threemeat Deadpeat."
     "Now that I think about it, yes.  How did you know?"
     "Adrian?  What time is it?  Man I'm tripping hard." Manager spins around and
then sits on the couch.
     "This is gonna kill me to say it but, Elephant is a genius."
     "A genius?"
     "Yep, he foresaw this and planned it."
     "I'm lost."
     "Don't be.  Watch this.  Manager, it has begun."
     Suddenly Manager stops repeating himself and spinning.  He sits on the couch and
     "Yes it has.  Deathstud and Soultaker have already begun paying their debts."
     Elephant is standing outside looking into the window.
     "I love it when a plan comes together."

            + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Eyes Have It ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     "What do you mean you are giving up on medicine?"
     "Me no like it.  Dem managers a big bunch of whiners."
     "What do you mean Sluggy," asked The Creepster.
     "Dem say lots of silly things like:  'It hurt when you hit me with a maul', 'I
don't like leeches', 'I can't drink this medicine it tastes like the Greek Guy's
beer' and other things."
     "Well I don't think most people expected to come out of the doctors office with
more lumps then when they went in."
     "Me Mom said it not kill you it make you stronger.  Besides I send everyone to
Flower Girls and no one comes back."
     "So you're done being a bouncer, gladiator, manager and now doctor.  What are
you going to do," queried Creepster.
     "Me great story teller me think I write great TOGS novel."
     "I don't know big guy.  Not to put you down but most novelists have a little
more upstairs."
     Slugbait quickly answered,  "You no worry I buy big red hat with peacock
Feather.  It get no bigger than that."
     The Creepster thought for a while and then said, "Why don't you give me a couple
of you best lines.  I can give you some advice and we can go from there."
     "OK, how about, 'It was the best of times it was the worst of times.'"
     Frowning the Creepster replied, "That would never work.  Starting a book like
that is just to split up, disparate, discordant.  Almost like telling a story of two
different cities."
     "Me got more, 'Call me Ishmael.'"
     Shaking his head the Creepster answered, "Ishmael?  What kind of name is that?
It sounds fake?  People reading a book needs to trust you.  With a first line that
people are going to think you are telling a whale of a story.  Almost a great white
     "This harder than I think.  How about, 'Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me
your ears.'"
     "Who would listen to a book about a guy with an ear fetish?  You need something
more imperial.  Maybe try a book about a king that gets betrayed by his best friend?"
     Slugbait looked disappointed.  "I guess I'm not the writer I thought I was.
Maybe be I should try something else.  Not doctor, not bouncer, not thug, not
manager, not warrior, not playwright.  Maybe a...Poet.  Oh to be done with this

      + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Friday Night Lights:  Part 12 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                                    The Greek Guy

     We charged at the Delarqs with reckless abandon. The moment we reached each
other a blinding light surrounded us all. The light was so intense that we all fell
back. When the black spots disappeared from our eyes we could see that all the
Delarqs were gone.
     "What the heck?" Tigtoad
     "Where'd they go" The Sentinel growled
     We all looked around the tavern assuming they must be there somewhere but they
were no where to be seen.
     "What kind of magic is this" Snotman growled as he dabbed his nose with a
     "That must be what it was, magic. How else can you explain them just vanishing"
The Greek Guy said.
     "But who did it and where'd they go" Rillion asked
     "I hope Lady Greywand took em and sent them to live with the gate monsters" The
Sentinel replied
     The rest of the Tavern dwellers seemed as confused as we were. They were having
muffled conversations and trying to figure out what happened as well.
     "Well they better still show up next week. I want to wipe that smirk off TMM
face" The Sentinel said.
     We finished our meal but the talk kept coming back to the strange events of the
     The next Monday at school everyone was abuzz as the story started to filter
around to the rest of the student body. The general consensus was it was black magic,
probably used the headmaster of the Delarq school, Guardian. He's the only one we
thought had the power to accomplish such a feat and obviously he wanted to protect
his guys from the butt whopping they were about to get that night.
     That week the school was in afrenzy as everyone geared up for Friday night. The
match was moved to an 8:00 start time as the Delarqs wanted to fight under torchlight
as they usually did for all home matches. The time finally came for us to go to
Talcama, the site of our match. The whole town was making the trip that night. For
miles all you could see were the wagons loaded with Aradians with the torches glowing
to light the way. We got to the city early and went straight to our locker room. The
locker room was a mess. It looked like someone intentionally dumped horse crap all in
the room. Classless, but what else would you expect from delarqs. We didn't care
though as our whole reason for being there was revenge and we needed no lush
accommodations. We could here the chants and insults being slung back and forth from
the two crowds as we made our way up the ramp to the arena. It was finally time and
we all were ready for blood.

           + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ World of FONZCraft ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +
                           Nightfall over Shadowscrod Keep
                                        Pt. 1

<Team Punk in Drublic's So Not So Top Secret HQ, Aradi>

     Hombre sat across the small living room table from Elephant, his giant brain
focused with diamond precision on just one thing: his next move in a game similar to
chess.  His two rooks had been taken, along with an adept, two champs, one TC, and
half his apprentices, but his eyes stubbornly scanned the board, looking for any
possible escape.
     "Oh yeah, Ellie can taste the victory, and in case you were wondering, and Ellie
think it tastes sweet!" Elephant trash talked, nearly bouncing out of his chair with
an over abundance of kinetic energy.  Hombre scowled at him in disgust, then returned
his gaze to the board, his eyes probing, always probing.  Why wouldn't he stop
     Just then a very distinct sounding horn rang out through the chill morning air,
and Hombre instantly sprang to a standing position, his knee nearly knocking over the
chess board (which nearly gave Elephant a coronary), his expression stark and
earnest, and he looked with cat-like quickness to all sides.
     "FONZcraft!" he hissed without making eye contact with Elephant, then in a flash
he departed the room.
     "What the flip...?" Whined Elephant, as this was going to be the first time he
had won any sort of competition in his whole life.  It was not to be.

<Castle Chaos (un-TMed), High Atop the Tower of Defenestration (TM under
consideration), Aradi>

     Nuln held the Creepster by the throat, dangling the mad manager's body out of
the open window as he squirmed and pawed at the Chaos Lord's arm like a kitten that
wanted down.
     "So helpeth me Khorne," grated Nuln, doing his best impersonation of Darth
Vadar, "If you don't giveth me that Gold Crown, I willeth droppeth you to your
     Just then a deep bass horn, almost like a tug boat's call, pushed through the
cold air, and Nuln immediately let go of the Creepster, oblivious to his imploring
cry of "Ohski diddily noooooooooooskiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...." that trailed off into the
receding depths of the tower walls.
     "FONZETHcrafteth!" Nuln whispered aloud, much as Hombre had, then after striking
an adventuresome pose, off he went downstairs to collect his gear.

<Out in the Alley, Behind Scrodbucks, Aradi>

     Pauly was taking his coffee break, and stood in the back alley behind the family
business watching his dad.  This TOGS had been a complete financial disaster for him,
thanks in large part to his beloved Laverne.  Due to the number of claims that had
come in via the demon muskrat's dietary predilections, Pauly's monthly premium had 
reached epic proportions (so epic, in fact, a movie was currently in production, with
Death Stud cast as a talking goose that sells the fateful insurance policy), and
inevitably brought to pass his financial ruin.  Of course, this meant crawling back
home to dad, aka Indimar "Moneybags" Fallon, and taking his old job back as barista
at the Scrodbucks.
     As Pauly absently watched his dad and pondered the nature of money in general,
its ebbs and its flows, it suddenly occurred to him what his dad was doing, and that
he had been doing it an awful, awful lot lately.  "Hey dad," Pauly called out,
disposing of the rest of his vente scroppucino, scaled, no soy, with extra tailbone
into the dumpster.  "What exactly are you mining?"
     Indimar, who also went by the name John Escuaga at times, stopped in mid-swing
with his pickaxe, and looked over at his progeny with an all too wild gleam in his
eyes.  "Iron, my boy, iron ore!  And copper, rich and beautiful copper!  Not to
mention mithril!  Oh my sweet, earthen mithril, lustrous beyond comp..."
     Pauly rolled his eyes, instantly regretting having asked his dad anything, when
clear as a horn sounding, a horn sounded twice, coming from the west.  There was no
mistaking its tone and pitch, and Pauly ran inside, madly scrambling to find all his
gear.  After taking a few minutes to suit up, Pauly ran back out to the alley again,
to see if his dad had responded at all.  Apparently oblivious to the FONZcraft
Summoning Horn, Indimar continued to bang away at the protruding ore that pocked the
entire alleyway, his eyes filled with a possessed glee.
     Shaking his head hopelessly, Pauly ran off westward.

<Casa del Soultaker, Aradi, the Flats>

     "Is everybody ready?  Does everybody have everything they need?" Soultaker asked
his younger proteges, which was of course greeted with "Yeah, yeah, yeahs."  The
veteran navy officer had been giving instructions over the past week to the
unseasoned team assembled in front of him on how to survive in the wild, basic
guerrilla and close-combat tactics, and other useful tricks, like how to live with
scurvy.  Now that the time had come, he was anxious to see how they would perform "in
the field."
     Of the lot, Soultaker thought Hombre looked best prepared.  At the very least he
had the spiffiest gear, the latest in Hurly (tm) brand plate-armor, with its glinting
burgundy hue, and a sweet shield with a lion's head froze in a roar on its front.
The leg-warmers, or leggies as they were called, were of course an individual,
interesting touch, but Soultaker (always thinking tactically) thought they might help
throw off the enemy.
     Soultaker was more unsure about Pauly, mostly because he knew least of the young
FONZ manager, but he seemed confident in his manner and had done well in the weeks
training, catching on to most concepts quicker than the others.  At the moment, he
was showing off, doing back and forward double and triple flips while the group
waited for their fifth.
     As Soultaker's gaze came to rest on Nuln, he inwardly shook his head.  The Chaos
Lord was simply an inept adventurer to put it kindly, and Soultaker wondered how he
had lasted so long on the Chaos plains without getting his head lopped off.  He was
always doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, and the right thing at the wrong
time, so Soultaker knew he would have to be extra careful around him for the sake of
all of their lives.  Nuln was going as his hunter character, and such had brought his
faithful tracking hound, Mildred.  In fact, Mildred was a white, curly-haired lap
dog, that didn't do much but attack the feet of friend or foe, and proceed to like
their toes.  Soultaker stared at Nuln and the dog and tried his best to hide his
disgust for the pair.

                + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ Dreamtime ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

     With TOGS nearly to a close, I would like to point out, for two reasons, that
the top 3 teams are FONZers.  The first reason is obvious:

FONZ rules the playground, that's right, we've taken all your milk money you nerds!
We've given you a TOGS swirly if you will.
If this were a fraternity, the rest of you were unable to survive the hazing.
If this were a cult, the rest of you are not the sacrificers, you are the
If we were a band, the rest of you would be groupies, and we've just autographed your
left boob.
If this were a dessert buffet, we're the creme brulee and the rest of you are the
skin on the pudding that no one eats.
If TOGS were a reality show, we would be Big Brother, and you would be 'So you think
you can dance.'
If you were looking to buy FONZ, you would have to go to Prada baby, but if you were
looking to buy NOT FONZ, all that mess is on the clearance rack at Wal-Mart.

Do you all get the picture?  Just in case you dont, let me attempt to simplify

If we were all restaraunts, FONZ would be Spago, the rest of you would be Chicken and
If we were musical instruments, we would be Fender Strats, the rest of you are
triangles man... TRIANGLES for pete's sake!  (who is pete by the way?)
Face it, we're Old School, the rest of you are Kicking and Screaming. (much love to
Mr. Ferrell)
We're (catch the depth of this) the ACTUAL Fonz hitting the Juke Box to turn on the
music, the rest of you are the Fonz jumping the shark.
We're Nuln's spotlights, the rest of you are Pip's spotlights.
We're California Bra!  The rest of y'all are Tennessee! (zing to TGG, grats on the
If TOGS was Urban Legends, we would be Big Foot man, the Loch Ness Monster, hell even
Chupacabra! (that sheezy is real, Ive seen it!) the rest of you are the Jack in the
Box Chicken Tumor Rumor!
If TOGS was ice cream, we are clearly Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk, and
you all are Low-Fat Frozen Yogurt!  (and yes, I AM eating ice cream right now, but
it's Phish Food, they were out of New York Super Fudge Chunk.)
What if, and I'm just saying hypothetically, that if this were a 13 turn competition
of chillaxin' Rap duos, we would very obviously be Salt & Pepa belting out Let's Talk
About Sex WHILE doing the running man,  and the rest of you that are in 4th place and
lower, are clearly Captain and Tenille sitting by the piano doing the extended
version of Muskrat Love.

We are the FONZ!  The rest of you are the Ralph Malphs of the Drive-in's of the

Now, for the second reason, I did this to ensure our total and utter collapse, with
the end somehow finishing in a 3rd place finish for the French Breads Connection, a
2nd place finish for Slugbait and Creepster, and an apparent rip in the time-space
continuum as Rillion and The Greek Guy finish off the last 2 turns going 20-0 not
only to get that monkey off their backs, but grab it and punt that sucker.  Good luck
to all!

<input subliminal messages here: fonz rules>

-- Hombre

                                 DUELMASTER'S COLUMN
                             Notes from the arena champ.

     As I doubt it will last long, I am enjoying the view from up here, as well as
the free drinks, the dames throwing themselves at my feet (which is especially nice
for someone with cold feet like myself), and the unlimited endorsement opportunities.
I would also like to thank Odalisque for giving me the opportunity to get up here.
And Odie, just FYI, I was running 10-10-7 decise.  So no, I have no idea how I
parried and then riposted your first attack.
     This turns challenges go out to my good pals Vengraz and Peach Fuzz.  May the
best striker win.  (Hint:  that was a joke, as I am the only striker of us three.)
     I would also like to take this opportunity while having the DM pulpit to make a
few very important announcements:
     Team THREEPEAT:  In case any of you didn't notice, their name is very annoying
and condescending.  Thus, we must do whatever it takes; down challenges, up
challenges, even challenges; to remind them that humbleness while a virtue, also
suits them best.
     Team KILLER WEDGIES:  Any team that would murder another by applying a lethal
wedgy is deviant and must be stopped.  See above.
     Team PUNK IN DRUBLIC:  Curiously, if you apply the same switching of first
consonants to the initial team listed in these announcements, you get team PEE
THREAT.  Therefore, team Punk In Drublic must be stopped as well at all costs.
     Team LUROCIAN DEMONS:  Any team lame enough to come up with and actually use
this lame name should be stopped at any expense from winning the Golden Scrod.  I
mean really, it goes without saying.
     Thank you all for your time, and if anyone would like to buy me a free beer, I
can be found at the Blinking Starfish 24/7.

          Yours in Duelmasterhooditude,
          I Own Indimar

                                      SPY REPORT

     I can't believe the violence in COLLUSION COVE!  I still haven't told Mom I'm 
writing Spyreports.  She'd have a cow!  Well, here we go...  Like, LUROCIANS T308 had 
to be so embarrassed when they got kicked off #1 spot by DREAMTIME!  Way to go 
DREAMTIME!  Wanna hear about a real loser?  Listen to this--MY BEST BUDS 2 got 2-3-0 
and dropped 11.  Didn't see much of them after the fights!  One team deserves special 
mention 'cause they moved up 6 after going 4-1-0.  Keep it up, CRAZY CREEPS!  MVP 
award for GLITTERDOOM?  DRAGON FLIGHT's proud of him after beating SHAMIKA and 
getting 25 points.  Talk about yer major upsets!  ODALISQUE's match with ZOMBIELUST 
cost her a loss of 18 points!  Like DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2's VENGRAZ is sweating since 
it got challenged by Duelmaster I OWN INDIMAR!  This Duelmaster is like something 
else!  I OWN INDIMAR stopped VENGRAZ dead in its tracks!  I hear the top team insists 
all their warriors get nine hours sleep.  They want photogenic fighters for PR 
     So just why would someone becomes a warrior anyway?  It can't be for these 
really neat Spyreports can it?  ELOQUENT KNIGHTS was the most avoided team.  Is a 
163-107-8 record really that scary?  I don't know what CHILDHOOD TRAUMA's been doing. 
They certainly haven't been accepting many fights from ELOQUENT KNIGHTS, that's fer 
sher.  Like, is VENGRAZ popular, or what?  It was challenged the most in all of 
COLLUSION COVE!  It's got a 10-4-0, is that good?  Some fights are really unfair.  
How do you think DEAD ALIVE feels about being challenged by VENREK, 19 points above 
him?  Is this how DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 advances, by having their members (VENREK) 
fight people that are really below them (DEAD ALIVE)?  See if I ever talk to MONKEY 
PAW again!  ASP VI was so low when He challenged he.  Hhmph!  ASP VI is a real 
creature!  It was challenged by MONKEY PAW, 21 points above, and BEAT him!  Dark 
Arena, anyone?  MISS PIGGY is being unfair.  She's challenged down 22 against 
BREAKABLE.  I don't know why they let this stuff go on.  (I'd better shut up) MISS 
PIGGY beat BREAKABLE.  No surprise about that.  Really I'm not surprised MISS PIGGY 
would do such a scummy thing, either.   
     Man, all these warriors dying and killing each other!  Don't you guys ever give 
it a break?  Hey, warriors get killed by other warriors, not by their manager sending 
them to the Dark Arena.  What's wrong with SEL DUMB's 3-0-0, FUNKY FOLK?  What a 
bummer!  GHNSGFI got wasted by 911!  But with a 7-6-0, I guess CLNGE aren't too 
bummed.  ACIDULOUS really fought hard against WEKA DART.  That'll teach WING HOVE not 
to go and kill any of ELOQUENT KNIGHTS' guys again, huh!  Fight, fight, fight.  Is 
that all you guys can do?   
     Remember, blood on a purple robe may stain.  Soak it in cold water, and hand 
wash.  I gotta leave.  COLLUSION COVE is like such a dump, and you guys smell too 
much!  I had a fun time, see you later-- Debby Tonte  

DUELMASTER                     W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 I OWN INDIMAR 8084           14   9  0   132       4000 BLOWS (107)

CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 BOY GEORGE 8378              12   6  1   136       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 SPIRITWALKER 8431            13   3  0   129       DREAMTIME (633)
-STORM FIRE 7597               9   3  2   125       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 STITCHES 8245                11   9  1   108       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 911 7936                     16  14  1   105       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 PEACH FUZZ 8095              13   8  1   103       FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
 EQUIPOLLENT 8492             10   4  1   103       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
 ZOMBIELUST 8181              11   6  0    97       4000 BLOWS (107)
 DAY BY DAY 8338              10   4  1    97       GENX PERFECT HITS (620)

CHAMPIONS                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 DEAD ALIVE 8503               8   4  0    90       WILD CARDS (148)
 FLICKED BOOGERS 6989         19  21  0    89       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 VENGRAZ 8018                 10   4  0    86       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 B.C. GOLD 7787               13  11  0    81       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 WILD YOUTH 8296               9   4  0    77       GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
 WILD FLOWER 8443             10   7  0    75       DREAMTIME (633)
 ODALISQUE 8121               12   5  2    73       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
 VENGANZA 8408                11   8  0    73       PASTAFARIANS (630)
 HAWAIIAN KONA 7853           10  10  0    72       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 PLUM 8094                     9   8  2    72       FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
 ACIDULOUS 8384               11   3  0    71       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
 ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083             16  14  1    68       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 NOODLY APPENDIX 8404         10   9  0    68       PASTAFARIANS (630)
 DARIUS 8552                   9   3  0    68       LUROCIANS T308 (636)
 THE AFRICAN QUEEN 8473        7   6  0    67       NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)

CHALLENGER ADEPTS              W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 BEAST XVII 8303               9  10  0    66       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 KING ROCKER 8246              6   7  0    66       GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
 WEKA DART 7979               12  13  2    65       WING HOVE (529)
 TWIG 8096                    10   9  1    62       FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
 SARDASIA 8512                 5   7  0    62       LUROCIANS T308 (636)
 BUSTED NUTS 7134             13  20  1    60       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 ZOMBI 2 8571                  6   3  0    60       WILD CARDS (148)
 PLATO 8550                    9   3  0    59       GRECO-ROMAN (639)
 IJEOOGI 8528                  6   6  0    59       CLNGE (638)
 RESPECT THE PACKAGE 7832     13  13  0    58       WILD CARDS (148)
-NAAN VIOLENT 8433             8   4  0    58       HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
 ASP VI 8579                   5   2  0    58       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
-RYEHARD 8339                  9  11  1    57       HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
 SUGAR 8534                    8   5  0    57       PURE EVIL (629)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 GLITTERDOOM 8585              4   1  0    56       DRAGON FLIGHT (640)
 WARM PIRATE 8407             12   7  0    55       PASTAFARIANS (630)
 SETH DRAVEN 8231              7   9  1    55       TPW FOREVER (619)
-SCORN BREAD 8343             11  10  0    54       HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
 SHRIVELLED PRUNE 8177         7  10  1    54       FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)

ADEPTS                         W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SISTER MOON 8489              6   7  0    53       DREAMTIME (633)
 STAR 8427                    10   7  0    51       DREAMTIME (633)
 SHAMIKA 8513                  9   4  0    51       LUROCIANS T308 (636)
 GUNPOWDER 8449                8   4  0    51       DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
 MCSCROD 8481                  5   8  1    51       4000 BLOWS (107)
-VIKI 8261                     4   2  0    48       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 NIAGARA FALLS 8533            8   5  0    47       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
 READY, STEADY, GO 8249        6   7  1    46       GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
 NYSTERIOUS WAYS 8464         10   6  0    44       PASTAFARIANS (630)
 THE EX 8436                   6  12  1    44       PURE EVIL (629)
 SOCRATES 8547                 8   4  0    43       GRECO-ROMAN (639)
 MASTER EXPLODER 8500          7   5  0    43       4000 BLOWS (107)
 DOPEY 8566                    4   3  0    42       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 SENTINEL 8543                 9   2  0    41       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 SCARLET ABATTOIR 8474         7   6  0    41       NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
 BLACK DEATH 8446              4   8  0    41       DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
 MONKEY PAW 7854              10   9  1    40       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 100 PUNKS 8491                6   8  0    40       GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
 MISS PIGGY 8544               6   6  2    39       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 CRUCIFIED 8447                5   7  0    38       DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
 SHA'LONDA 8532                5   6  0    38       LUROCIANS T308 (636)
 BIOZOMBIE 8607                3   1  0    38       WILD CARDS (148)
 JAYSON DAYDE 8545             6   5  1    37       TPW FOREVER (619)
 HARUSPEX 8559                 8   3  0    35       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
 GALILEO 8548                  7   5  1    34       GRECO-ROMAN (639)
 SPAM 8587                     5   2  1    34       PURE EVIL (629)
 IICERGS 8524                  5   7  0    34       CLNGE (638)

CHALLENGER INITIATES           W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 SHMEGMA 8502                  5   7  1    33       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 AGMOUR 8568                   5   4  0    33       4000 BLOWS (107)
 BREMEN 8570                   6   3  0    32       WING HOVE (529)
 MRS. ROBINSON 8573            4   4  2    32       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 HARD CIDER 7981               7   7  1    31       WILD CARDS (148)
 BLUE ICE 8578                 4   4  0    31       HIT ME WITH... (503)
 FEZ 7878                      5  11  0    30       MY BEST BUDS 2 (542)
 JOHNNY 8511                   5   7  0    30       LUROCIANS T308 (636)
 WHITE WOLF IX 8593            2   4  0    29       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 ARISTOTLE 8551                6   6  0    28       GRECO-ROMAN (639)
 DESEARTES 8560                6   4  0    26       GRECO-ROMAN (639)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 TONTO 8580                    4   3  0    23       CRAZY CREEPS (207)
 SQUEEZE THE LEMONS 8569       5   4  0    22       FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
 TEMPE FACER SCROD 8506        4   9  1    22       NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
 TOGS CHOKER 8561              4   6  0    22       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
-TAKE ANOTHER SHOT 8558        4   3  0    22       NO HAMMER HAMMERZ (635)
 LITTLE AYE 8620               2   0  0    22       THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
-PERFECT SNOTLING 8403         1   2  0    22       SUPERIOR FORCES 1601 (586)
 THE DECEIVER 8614             1   0  0    22       NIHILISTIC ENDEAVOR (642)
 MANHATTAN PROJECT 8450        4   8  1    21       DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
-MERGANDEVIN 8582              1   1  0    21       DRAGON FLIGHT (640)
 EYE SPY 8596                  3   3  1    20       THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
 CROP CIRCLE 8577              3   5  0    18       PASTAFARIANS (630)
 FLIMSY 8604                   1   1  0    18       JGW PERISABLE! (641)
 JIMMY PITT 8595               1   4  0    18       TPW FOREVER (619)
 BROTHER WOLF 8622             1   1  0    17       DREAMTIME (633)
 FRAIL 8602                    1   0  0    17       JGW PERISABLE! (641)
-VIC TOREE 8598                2   2  0    16       FUNKY FOLK (565)
-TOWER 7892                    2   0  0    16       LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)
 POLITICIAN 8586               4   3  0    15       PURE EVIL (629)
 STINK I 8572                  2   5  0    15       THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
 SANCTIMONIOUS 8627            1   0  0    15       ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)

INITIATES                      W   L  K POINTS      TEAM NAME                  
 BREAKABLE 8606                1   1  0    14       JGW PERISABLE! (641)
 BRITTLE 8605                  1   2  0    13       JGW PERISABLE! (641)
 APEP 8615                     1   0  0    13       NIHILISTIC ENDEAVOR (642)
 TESS TOOBES 8629              1   0  0    13       FUNKY FOLK (565)
 JORMUNGANDR 8613              1   0  0    11       NIHILISTIC ENDEAVOR (642)
 TOGS SLACKER 8631             1   0  0    11       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
 I IN THE SKY 8588             2   3  0     9       THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
-WRECKING CROUTON 8600         2   1  0     8       HOUSE OF GRAIN (625)
-SOLIDUS 7895                  1   0  0     8       LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)
 ONLYFORTOGS 8601              2   1  0     7       TPW FOREVER (619)
 FU LENG 8617                  0   1  0     7       NIHILISTIC ENDEAVOR (642)
-ICING DEATH 8584              0   1  0     7       DRAGON FLIGHT (640)
 BCS 8609                      1   2  0     5       DEVIL'S WORKSHOP (634)
 TOGS DIXIE2 8610              1   2  0     5       DEMONS OF DARKNESS 2 (430)
-LOVITA 7891                   1   2  0     5       LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)
 ROAD TRIP 8611                1   2  0     5       CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
-GETHSEMANE 7894               1   1  0     5       LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)
-SAND 7893                     0   2  0     3       LATHE OF HEAVEN (603)
 ZOMBIE XXIX 8623              0   2  0     2       DEATH STUDS VII (301)
 PIE I 8619                    0   2  0     2       THE EYES HAVE IT (632)
 BANSHEE XXXI 8632             0   1  0     1       DEATH STUDS VII (301)

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD                W  L K TEAM NAME            SLAIN BY              TURN Revenge?
GHNSGFI 8526            7  6 0 CLNGE 638            911 7936              447   
GILMMAO 8525            3  7 0 CLNGE 638            MRS. ROBINSON 8573    445   
ICKIONI 8633            0  1 0 CLNGE 638            FIRST TOGS CHAMP      447  NONE
MGGIOJI 8591            2  4 0 CLNGE 638            SEA MONSTER           447  NONE
HOWLER XIII 8302       11  4 2 DEATH STUDS VII 301  STORM FIRE 7597       446   
GAZREK 7858            13  9 0 DEMONS OF DARKNE 430 BOY GEORGE 8378       446   
ILLUMINATI 8599         0  2 0 DEVIL'S WORKSHOP 634 SPAM 8587             444   
HEPHAESTUS 8583         0  3 0 DRAGON FLIGHT 640    SPYMASTER             447  NONE
EDIE 8429               5 10 0 DREAMTIME 633        SHMEGMA 8502          445  JUST REVENGED
DAN GLING 8554          1  2 0 FUNKY FOLK 565       SEA MONSTER           447  NONE
SEL DUMB 8487           3  1 0 FUNKY FOLK 565       SEA MONSTER           447  NONE
SHIRL LOCKE 8597        0  1 0 FUNKY FOLK 565       ARNIE SHEW            447  NONE
THE BUNISHER 8341      10  3 1 HOUSE OF GRAIN 625   T MARIE 8522          443  NOT REVENGED
CAKE OR DEATH? 8628     0  1 0 JGW PERISABLE! 641   GARGOYLE PRINCE       447  NONE
POODOO 8630             0  1 0 NIHILISTIC ENDEA 642 MONSTER MANALGER      447  NONE
ICE CREAM SOLDIE 8471   1 10 0 NO HAMMER HAMMER 635 GALILEO 8548          445   
JOKER 8575              3  4 0 PURE EVIL 629        MISS PIGGY 8544       446   

                                     PERSONAL ADS

Hmm, how would it be, and how much contribution to TOGS would it be, if this were the
"just making sure contributory, mandatory" ad for points from The Crazy Creeps
Stable?  Hmmm.  Perhaps the writing quality is such that it WOULD be a contribution
to TOGS not to post more than the contributory/mandatory ad? -- The Crazy Creeps

And the composition awards from The International Award-Winning Aradi Free Press are:
    Gold Crown (best)                  Dreamtime (Hombre)
    Silver Scarf (next best)           Collusion (Death Stud)
    Bronze Pasties                     Subpar (Pip)
    Tin Cup (not so best)              no one deserving
Wear your prizes with pride and joy. -- Editor, IAWAFP

Tidbits from the IAWAFP:
      Get use to the idea that I will be sitting here for a while.  (Odalisque)
      I think we made some great progress tonight.
      There's no place like home.
      Let's settle for dicing him into small pieces.
      Flower Girls, dem help even the tiniest in spirit feel big inside.
      Tisith a real shameth that He feeleth that way toward fellow alliance mates.
      We'll agree to ease up and backslide for two to three turns.
      The puny pipsqueak of a manager sat back in his high chair.
      FONZ's teeth are so yellow I can't believe it's not butter.
      Now why don't you step over here and repeat that?
      But they are my friends.
      A true friend stabs you in the front.
      Whatchya doing?  Mining thorium.
      May your warriors die often and painfully.
          Editor, IAWAFP

CLNGE -- THAT was a bloodfeud?  Never send a boy to do a man's job.  (wink) -- Mrs.
Robinson (stretching those long, lovely legs)

Joker -- I am so sorry.  You looked so cute.  I don't know what happened.  Maybe I
got to thinking about Kermit and.... -- Miss Piggy

Ijeooji -- See, I can think big.  Not everything I do is so small. -- Sentinel

Monkey Paw -- You crass Fonz felon, you took advantage of me. -- Dopey

Black Death -- You cheatum.  Me drinkem your fire water.  Lots.  Ugh. -- Tonto

Snotman -- Only Apple Pie?  The whole thing should have been censored.  All Aradi
would have been better served.  The disgusting things that keep coming out of FONZ
are, well, really disgusting.  Keep up the good work. -- The Crazy Creeps Scribe.

Rollbanger wanger whoopey dooh dah yessironious! -- The Creepster

Slugbait -- I think that means Creepy thinks that C.O.L.L.U.S.I.O.N. is on a roll! --
The Crazy Creeps Scribe.

M&M's?!  Jeez, Mannequin; where do you come up with this stuff? -- The Crazy Creeps

FONZ = Fearless Old Narcissist Zeros
            Funloving Oboes Needing Zorro
            Colluders Extraordinaire

TGG -- What you are doing?!?  Here I am trying to throw this thing so that we do not
end up near the top on the last round then pull another 0-10 and you are kicking some
serious mule.  I tried not submitting anything and still you pulled us into fourth
place and within striking distance of the top.  Stop it! -- Rillion

All -- Thank you, thank you.  The flush of business from Aradi was all our pleasure.
Well, maybe the flush and the pleasure was yours also.  (Tee hee.)  My Flower Girls
will serve your every need any time you want.  Come one.  Come all!  (wink)  See you
soon, again, at The Flower Shoppe. -- Lady Fern, manager Flower Girls
P.S.  We want to acknowledge Death Stud for setting the record for being the shortest
AND the fastest we have ever hosted.  (chuckle)

Samwise -- I can see what we do things differently.  My philosophy is, "kill the man
and then have beer with him."  So is yours more like, "have beer with him and then
kill him?"  Or maybe, "have beer with him but poison it?"  Either way I'll come down
and meet you for a drink at the Crotchety Crab to show that there are no hard
feelings about murdering you earlier. -- Snotman

(Freaking Oxlike Neanderthal Cliches) was really Freaking Oxlike Neanderthal Zilches,
but who is paying any attention.  It is FONZ and naturally it is all bad. -- Crazy
Creeps Spotlight Editor and Psychological Profiler

Pip -- I'm noticing a pattern that I do not like at all!  We do well for one turn,
which is then followed by two lousy turns.  Not sure how to remedy this situation
other than blame FONZ for collusion and make a joke about Death Stud's height. --
Master Darque

     Sounds like you're well on your way. -- Ed.

Master Darque -- I agree.  I was impressed with both warriors. -- Samwise

Death Stud -- What was that?  I couldn't hear anything but the whiny quality of your
voice. -- Samwise

Headlines from this week's Aradi Enquirer:
"Pip:  Is he really that dirty?" by Boo Chalky
"Death Stud and Bertha:  Really?" by Garrett Toobe
"Rillion:  Did he REALLY TC?" by Pearl Collard

Now dang it, Rillion and I had to be in contention near the end.  We fully intend to
blow it this turn to erase any chance of a last turn collapse. -- TGG

Howler -- I'm really sorry...that you weren't Odalisque.  That's who I was really
after.  You're not a bad consolation prize, I guess. -- Storm Fire

All -- Don't mind me, I'm just getting my team in position to viciously down
challenge anyone on the last turn who has colluded against me in TOGS' past. --

I guess this should've been done for the easy five points the last few turns! --
Street Legal

Creepster -- Couldn't go without tossing you at least one challenge in the
contest...and it got through.  It WAS an up-challenge though. ; P -- Street Legal

When will the madness end?  My fingers are falling off from all the typing. --

     You have my sympathy.  My 'delete' key is getting worn out. -- Ed.

Yeah, almost made it through the TOGS without missing a turn...stoopid slow
Cincinnati mail. >:P -- Anti

Ed. -- Cloooooooooooser.  :) -- Anti

     Not as good a word as ooooover, though. -- Ed., very tired tonight

I own Indimar -- What's with this weak parry crap?  I come in there with a strat to
let you have the throne so your manager would feel all superior and you throw out a
Parry! -- Odalisque

Weka Dart -- I must say I was not expecting that.  I always hate losing a warrior
from my stable, but some times it works out for the best. -- Soultaker

Zig-Zag Man -- My but you do teach well. -- Equipolent

Sister Moon -- Tag you're it!  You go ahead and come back and play with me again. --

Politician -- Dang, I must have lost twelve pounds with all that dancing we did.

Crop Circle -- Yeah, I was impressed.  Annoyed, but impressed. -- White Wolf

TGG -- Thanks for the heads up on your personals.  I made sure to notify my spotlight
and ads scoring minions of your participation last turn. -- Death Stud

Little Aye -- Not cool. -- Zombie XXIX

Greek Guy & Rillion -- At first I thought that you guys had choked out early and I
was disappointed.  And then you started making your move and I thought that you were
going to kick butt instead of choking.  But now it all makes sense.  You are going to
pull up into the top four so you can choke on the last turn.  Great plan guys! --

Greek One -- Grats on the TC! -- Hombre

Shmegma -- It's not going to get me a lot of TOGS points, but I'm pretty much going
to use you to help me graduate...see you for 3 more turns (hopefully). --

Editor IAWAFP -- You keep those Tin Cups coming.  I need something for Indimar to
drink out of. -- Elephant

Sardasia -- It rarely works as planned. -- 100 Punks

Hombre -- 22.5 points?  We wouldn't have to worry about 22.5 if you could just go
10-0 the next two turns.  I'd probably even settle for you going 9-1 or maybe 8-2,
maybe. -- Elephant

     Such generosity! -- Ed.

Asp -- Everything you were supposed to?  If that was the case you wouldn't have
stepped into the sands.  Lucky riposte?  That's called skill, as in rating.  I'll
take you up on the next time but I'm not your pretty. -- King Rocker

Nuln -- Top of your Spotflix?  Please.  I'll have whatever you're drinking. -- E

FONZ = Fearless Observers Nearing Zen

Stitches -- Obviously your mother never taught you to share the init. -- Zombielust

Manhattan Project -- Thank you for that much needed boost to my morale.  Instead of
suicide, I will now content myself with self-flagellation.  The eternally indebted...
-- McScrod

Odalisque -- Boy, that was a classy challenge from an even classier guy managed by
the classiest manager there is.  I will take it as the immense compliment it was
intended, and I thank you for the throne. -- I Own Soulta...I mean, Indimar

FONZ = Frequently Overseeing Needy Zoologists

Team Threepeat -- May the beatdown continue to rain upon you!! -- Mannequin

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

HEPHAESTUS was butchered by SPYMASTER in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
SEL DUMB was butchered by SEA MONSTER in a 2 minute brutal Dark Arena duel.
DAN GLING was easily killed by SEA MONSTER in a 2 minute gory Dark Arena match.
MGGIOJI was slaughtered by SEA MONSTER in a 1 minute bloody Dark Arena brawl.
SHIRL LOCKE was assassinated by ARNIE SHEW in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
POODOO was murdered by MONSTER MANALGER in a 1 minute Dark Arena competition.
ICKIONI was unbelievably slain by FIRST TOGS CHAMPION in a 3 minute Dark Arena duel.
CAKE OR DEATH? was butchered by GARGOYLE PRINCE in a 1 minute Dark Arena match.
NOTEVENFORTOGS was dealt death by MONSTER MANALGER in a 3 minute competition.
SPIRITWALKER vanquished SHMEGMA in a 1 minute uneven Bloodfeud duel.
ACIDULOUS viciously subdued WEKA DART in a 3 minute expert's Bloodfeud fight.
I OWN INDIMAR overpowered VENGRAZ in a 1 minute uneven Challenge Title match.
VENREK luckily beat DEAD ALIVE in a exciting 7 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
B.C. GOLD was devastated by EQUIPOLLENT in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge conflict.
BOY GEORGE savagely defeated DAY BY DAY in a popular 3 minute bloody Challenge brawl.
ZOMBIELUST handily defeated ODALISQUE in a 1 minute uneven Challenge fight.
PLUM was savagely defeated by FLICKED BOOGERS in a 4 minute Challenge struggle.
HAWAIIAN KONA devastated STAR in a popular 2 minute mismatched Challenge brawl.
ZOMBI 2 was savagely defeated by WILD FLOWER in a exciting 4 minute Challenge match.
100 PUNKS was overpowered by TWIG in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge fight.
JAYSON DAYDE was beaten by NIAGARA FALLS in a 3 minute gruesome Challenge fight.
SARDASIA demolished NYSTERIOUS WAYS in a 1 minute uneven Challenge bout.
BEAST XVII vanquished READY, STEADY, GO in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge fray.
KING ROCKER overpowered MASTER EXPLODER in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge match.
SISTER MOON vanquished HARD CIDER in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge match.
MONKEY PAW was vanquished by ASP VI in a 1 minute brutal one-sided Challenge fight.
SENTINEL was viciously subdued by THE AFRICAN QUEEN in a 3 minute Challenge bout.
MISS PIGGY overpowered BREAKABLE in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fray.
FEZ was unbelievably bested by WHITE WOLF IX in a exciting 3 minute Challenge duel.
AGMOUR overpowered JOHNNY in a popular 3 minute brutal uneven Challenge duel.
SQUEEZE THE LEMONS subdued CROP CIRCLE in a popular 6 minute Challenge fight.
BROTHER WOLF savagely defeated POLITICIAN in a popular 6 minute Challenge bout.
JIMMY PITT luckily beat TOGS CHOKER in a 3 minute Challenge contest.
STITCHES demolished VETERAN MERCENARY in a 1 minute one-sided struggle.
PEACH FUZZ handily defeated VENGANZA in a 1 minute one-sided fight.
GHNSGFI was murdered by 911 in a 1 minute one-sided conflict.
WILD YOUTH vanquished RESPECT THE PACKAGE in a 1 minute one-sided bout.
DARIUS won victory over GUNPOWDER in a 2 minute bloody bout.
NOODLY APPENDIX demolished SHA'LONDA in a 1 minute uneven competition.
SHRIVELLED PRUNE was overpowered by IJEOOGI in a 1 minute one-sided fight.
ZIG-ZAG MAN won victory over SETH DRAVEN in a crowd pleasing 1 minute duel.
BUSTED NUTS was subdued by SUGAR in a action packed 3 minute conflict.
MCSCROD viciously subdued RUTHLESS JAYWALKER in a 1 minute bloody fight.
CRUCIFIED was beaten by DOPEY in a action packed 1 minute competition.
BLACK DEATH was overcome by WARM PIRATE in a exciting 5 minute match.
BIOZOMBIE was overpowered by PLATO in a action packed 1 minute one-sided battle.
BREMEN was beaten by SOCRATES in a 2 minute bout.
SHAMIKA was handily defeated by GLITTERDOOM in a 1 minute gruesome mismatched bout.
ARISTOTLE was demolished by THE EX in a exciting 1 minute brutal mismatched match.
DESEARTES was savagely defeated by SCARLET ABATTOIR in a popular 5 minute fight.
HARUSPEX outwaited EYE SPY in a tiresome 14 minute conflict.
GALILEO viciously subdued STINK I in a exciting 4 minute bloody battle.
IICERGS overpowered BRITTLE in a 1 minute one-sided brawl.
SPAM demolished TEMPE FACER SCROD in a 1 minute mismatched contest.
MRS. ROBINSON beat FLIMSY in a 1 minute bout.
TONTO vanquished TOGS DIXIE2 in a popular 1 minute one-sided struggle.
BLUE ICE devastated I IN THE SKY in a 1 minute mismatched conflict.
MANHATTAN PROJECT was beaten by LITTLE AYE in a 3 minute match.
BCS was outlasted by SANCTIMONIOUS in a popular 12 minute conflict.
ROAD TRIP was devastated by APEP in a crowd pleasing 1 minute one-sided fight.
ONLYFORTOGS was demolished by THE DECEIVER in a 1 minute uneven duel.
ZOMBIE XXIX was beaten by JORMUNGANDR in a 5 minute gory novice's fight.
PIE I was vanquished by TOGS SLACKER in a monotonous 4 minute one-sided duel.
FU LENG was subdued by TESS TOOBES in a 1 minute duel.
FRAIL narrowly defeated BANSHEE XXXI in a 2 minute bloody fight.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|STRIKING ATTACK                 31         STRIKING ATTACK  195 - 148 -  8      57  |
|LUNGING ATTACK                  23         PARRY-STRIKE      21 -  19 -  0      53  |
|TOTAL PARRY                     15         AIMED BLOW        65 -  63 -  2      51  |
|AIMED BLOW                      14         TOTAL PARRY       84 -  89 -  0      49  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                 13         PARRY-LUNGE       11 -  12 -  0      48  |
|WALL OF STEEL                    9         PARRY-RIPOSTE      7 -   8 -  0      47  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   7         SLASHING ATTACK   55 -  65 -  1      46  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     4         LUNGING ATTACK   103 - 122 -  4      46  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      2         WALL OF STEEL     44 -  55 -  3      44  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    1         BASHING ATTACK    29 -  49 -  5      37  |

Turn 447 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

PARRY-RIPOSTE      1 -  0     LUNGING ATTACK    11 - 12         7  STRIKING ATTACK
PARRY-STRIKE       3 -  1     TOTAL PARRY        7 -  8         2  LUNGING ATTACK 
STRIKING ATTACK   16 - 15     WALL OF STEEL      4 -  5         1  SLASHING ATTACK
AIMED BLOW         7 -  7     SLASHING ATTACK    4 -  9         1  AIMED BLOW     
PARRY-LUNGE        1 -  1     BASHING ATTACK     2 -  5     

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
STRIKING ATTACK  I OWN INDIMAR 8084         14   9  0  132 4000 BLOWS (107)
SLASHING ATTACK  PEACH FUZZ 8095            13   8  1  103 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
LUNGING ATTACK   ZOMBIELUST 8181            11   6  0   97 4000 BLOWS (107)
AIMED BLOW       DAY BY DAY 8338            10   4  1   97 GENX PERFECT HITS (620)
BASHING ATTACK   PLUM 8094                   9   8  2   72 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
WALL OF STEEL    ACIDULOUS 8384             11   3  0   71 ELOQUENT KNIGHTS (518)
PARRY-STRIKE     TWIG 8096                  10   9  1   62 FRUIT OF THE LOOM (615)
TOTAL PARRY      ZOMBI 2 8571                6   3  0   60 WILD CARDS (148)
PARRY-LUNGE      NIAGARA FALLS 8533          8   5  0   47 CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (579)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.

The overall popularity leader is ZIG-ZAG MAN 7083.  The most popular warrior this 
turn was DEAD ALIVE 8503.  The ten other most popular fighters were BLACK DEATH 8446, 
8473, GALILEO 8548, WILD FLOWER 8443, BROTHER WOLF 8622, and BUSTED NUTS 7134.

The least popular fighter this week was HARUSPEX 8559.  The other ten least popular 
fighters were PIE I 8619, SANCTIMONIOUS 8627, POLITICIAN 8586, TOGS SLACKER 8631, 
8605, and EYE SPY 8596.

The following warriors have traveled to AD after fighting this turn: