ADVANCED DUELMASTERS

Date   : 08/13/2003    Duedate: 08/26/2003

HOME GUARD

DM-101    TURN-356

RANK TEAMS                  W    L  K    %  RANK TEAMS                  W    L  K    %
  1 4000 BLOWS 60/1107      7    1  0 87.5      ANDORIAN UNIVERSITY 30/1213           
  2 CAER SIDHE 41/1218     13    5  0 72.2      ANDORIAN UNIVERSITY 66/1123           
    CALL TO THUNDER 7/1217                      THE GREENHOUSE 30/1219                
  3 COLLEGE RADI 98/1223  110   52  0 67.9   17 HARBINGERS 32/1226     27   30  0 47.4
    THE MOTHERSHIP 19/1148                   18 DRAKE'S LODG 73/1206  132  148  5 47.1
  4 SHADOW SIGNS 60/1220  370  238  1 60.9      DRAKE'S COMICS 47/1112                
  5 LUST MUPPETS 32/1099  235  171  1 57.9      DRAKE'S BAR-B-Q 15/313                
  6-COLD STEEL 51/296     109   80  1 57.7      DRAKE'S PETTING ZOO 33/1075           
    CRIMSON PEGASI 65/1079                   19 DARKMOON 12/1197       21   25  0 45.7
  7 QUBIT 10/1136         609  501  2 54.9   20 GENOCIDE 51/1109      130  157  0 45.3
    TOO GOOD FOR ME 65/1054                     SCIENCE FICTION 6/1152                
    JOKA MASHER! 60/833                         RESURRECTION 2/1065                   
    SIR AGLIO 10/788                         21 RPG'S 49/697         1090 1385 15 44.0
    SNOTZI'S II 33/813                          WILD AMINALS 74/635                   
    VERMIN!! 82/1124                            BAD NEWS 78/640                       
  8 MAGICK 60/955         439  372  4 54.1   22-SAMURAI KIDS 62/1182    7    9  0 43.8
    FORCE OF NATURE 75/747                   23-CARNIVAL 30/1130       40   53  0 43.0
    AND SO IT BEGINS 65/1062                 24 VIOLENT FEMS 35/972   368  495  9 42.6
    CARTOUCHE 71/1111                           JUST BECAUSE 38/1228                  
    EDGE OF EXTINCTION 71/973                25 JUNKYARD WAR 98/1140   14   19  0 42.4
  9 YOU FEEL THA 82/1205   94   88  0 51.6   26 THRILLZ & KIL 7/1211    2    3  0 40.0
    THUNDR + LITENING 18/222                 27 MY PETS 9/554         427  687 10 38.3
 10-SPARF! 20/1069        628  603  9 51.0      GIRL SCOUT COOKIES 33/812             
    OPEN SESAME 50/824                          RHYME TYME 55/449                     
    OTTO'S MECHANICS 28/1073                 28-HARLEQUINS 2/1186      42   68  1 38.2
    CHAPEL ROCK 79/776                          WAR HAWKS 10/1026                     
    ROYAL FLUSH 47/146                       29 SOLARAN BERSE 40/949   21   36  1 36.8
    HERE TO PHOENIX 26/1072                  30 BLUE MOON 9/1025      380  673  3 36.1
    REAL BEER 21/1116                           BAD APPLES 56/1091                    
    DUCKS UNLIMITED 39/1221                     CIRQUE DU MASQUES 58/1093             
 11 SUPERIOR KIL 98/1224  222  222  1 50.0      REFORMERS 64/1095                     
 12 SWEORDMASTERS 1/1210   26   26  0 50.0   31 POWERPUFF GI 12/1145    8   16  0 33.3
    LAB EXPERIMENTS 1/1207                   32 TRIP OUT 30/1216        3    8  0 27.3
    MANNEQUIN'S BEST 1/1227                     BLIND LUCK 97/1183                    
 13-RED FURY 9/786        140  141  0 49.8      UNTOUCHABLES 18/1190                  
    THE TAKEN 29/350                         33 THE REDBAERS 3/1180     6   19  0 24.0
 14 OVERLORDS 20/30        93   95  0 49.5      TOMATO ENFORCER 63/1193               
    THE STORMGUARDS 31/132                   34 U.B.O.S.M. 11/1184      5   17  0 22.7
 15 BUMS 'R' US 60/1142    22   23  0 48.9   35 MY DRUGS 98/1222        1   10  0  9.1
    JOYS OF BOOZE 33/1209                       SANDS OF TIME 38/1195                 
 16-PUERCO'S PINA 53/700   56   60  0 48.3   36 IKER'S CORPS 99/1225    0    1  0  0.0

    '##/###' Avoid teams by their Team Id     '-'  Team did not fight this turn

                                  WARRIOR SPOTLIGHT

                                 AS THE TURNS WHIRL

     Khirza the cat-woman leaped from the lamppost to Phetmolge's shoulders and from 
there to the spar holding up the sign that said:

                               TALAHYA MUNICIPAL DOCK
                           No Admittance Without a Ticket.
                        Keep Hands and Feet Out of the Water.

     She looked around as though checking for some other alternative to solid ground, 
grinned toothily at her trollish friend, and said, "I always feel special when I see 
this sign, 'cause WE can get in without tickets."
     "If that's what it takes," Phetmolge responded with a slight smile.  He gestured 
with the small porcelain box that he was holding and said, "I don't think this is big 
enough to heat the boiler."
     He was referring to the Naiad's Nightmare (publicly known as the Naiad's Dream), 
their steam-powered barge that had originally relied on a fire elemental to keep its 
boiler hot.  The creature had quit when all the magical trouble had started on the 
Isle, temporarily grounding the Nightie.  But just recently, in exchange for 
informing Khirza's wizard friend of a source of the priceless magical ingredient 
"soy," they had gotten an artifact that might solve their power problem.
     "Sure it is!" Khirza responded, glancing sharply to the side and down and 
suddenly pouncing counterclockwise in an effort to catch her tail.  "It'll work, 
don't worry.  Ouch!"
     Attributing this judgement to nothing more than his friend's natural optimism, 
Phetmolge continued to worry.
     The Nightie stirred faintly in her moorings like a woman disturbed by an 
unpleasant dream.  Gigantic next to the fishing boats on either side of her, an 
ungainly-looking craft with two big paddlewheels on her sides and a superstructure 
that looked distinctly homemade, she gained an even more forlorn air due to the black 
tarpaulin shrouds that covered most of her above-deck features.  She rested outside 
the covered and warded dock; they had to walk down a side platform and through a 
magical shield to get aboard her.  Mist crawled from her hatches and ports.  They 
walked with hands on hilts, in case there was more than mist.
     "Think the hull glyphs are still protecting her?" Phetmolge muttered.
     "Sure," Khirza said faintly.  She looked around with quick motions.  Above the 
collar of her leather jerkin, the spotted fur bristled outward from her neck.  The 
furless tip of her nose, which so accurately reflected her mood, was crimson.  "We 
should have come to see her more often."
     "Yes, we should have."
     Khirza hopped down from the gangplank onto the deck, did a backbend and 
thoughtfully folded one knee to touch her chest, then extended that foot to the deck 
by her hands, followed it over, and came up standing again.  "On the brighter side, 
the bilge rats have probably been multiplying.  Fun!"
     "Bilge rats at the very least," Phetmolge agreed.  He drew his weapon -- not his 
usual hammer but a greatsword.  He might not wield a blade well enough to win in the 
arena, but he was more than competent with it in the normal course of life.  "I guess 
we'd better do a walk-through before we work on the engine."
     The Naiad's Nightmare had magical glyphs on her hull to repel any creatures of 
the lake, but as they searched the boat they became aware that some of these glyphs 
had indeed weakened.  Thumps and chitters and slithering sounds confirmed that 
wildlife from the Lake of Mists had taken up residence aboard the Nightie.  Phetmolge 
took the upper deck, whipping tarps off passenger seats and surprising half a dozen 
amphibians the size of foxes, which waddled away but not fast enough to escape the 
reach of his long arm and longer blade.  He flung their little bodies into the water, 
where they floated a moment before sinking.  After the third one, something 
apparently realized that appetizers were being served, because the rest of the 
corpses were snatched underwater the moment they hit.  Khirza, searching the main 
deck, found a nest of snakes with humanlike heads; she dispatched them quickly.  Then 
the two partners joined forces to go belowdecks.
     Phetmolge led the way down the stair into darkness, his sword before him.  
"We'll need to get your wizard friend out to refresh those glyphs," he said.  "Or do 
you have to have the boat in drydock to do that?"
     "Don't know," the cat-woman said.  "Weed!"
     Phetmolge ducked as a loop of slimy vegetation reached for his head.  They 
battled it for a while, noses wrinkled against the pungent smell of rotting spinach.  
When they were done, the plant had been extracted from its overhead compartment and 
lay heaped on the floor like a bundle of rags.  It had a head of sorts, which looked 
like brown lettuce.
     "You eat salad, don't you?" Khirza said, kicking at it.
     Phetmolge gave her a pained smile.
     They cleared out the staterooms and galley -- it wasn't too bad, the glyphs were 
obviously still working to some extent -- and then lit a lantern and went down the 
next level to the engine room.
     "I've been waiting for you," said the long-legged blonde who lay half-naked on 
the nest of ropes next to the engine.  Lips curving in a luscious red smile, she 
crooked her pale finger and beckoned to Phetmolge.  "Come here, handsome."
     "Siren!"  Khirza said, advancing with her scimitar up.  "That's a bad critter!  
Don't listen to her, big guy!"
     "That's not a siren," said Phetmolge.  "I don't know what she is, but she's not 
a siren.  She's lonely."  He strode forward, never taking his eyes from the smiling 
gaze of the mysterious woman.
     Khirza darted in front of him, waving her hands in front of his face to break 
the locked gaze.  "Remember our course in lake safety?  The kiss that drowns!  Dead 
boyfriends underwater!  Come ON, Phetmolge, she called you handsome!"
     The blonde rose from her couch of ropes.  "Ever since we met at the police 
station I have known that you would come to help me," she said.
     "What?" said the trollish gladiator.
     "You got my note," said the blonde.
     "You're getting mail from sirens?" Khirza said, looking bewildered.
     "Had we met under other circumstances, I could have fallen in love with you," 
said the blonde.
     "Not likely," Phetmolge responded.  "Ma'am, I think you're mistaking me for 
someone else... Who are you?"
     She looked blankly at him as though trying to remember.  Then -- "Jolane," she 
said.  "I'm Jolane."
     The woman in the boiler room was beautiful, if Phetmolge was any judge of human 
beauty.  Her full lips were as red as blood, her eyes a vivid, almost glowing light 
brown.  Her long, pale hair, dripping with water, was braided with strands of aquatic 
weed that formed strange pink blossoms over her ears.  Her complexion was nearly as 
white as the simple dress that, miraculously, hadn't gotten dirty from the nest of 
ropes on which she'd been reclining.
     She had said that her name was Jolane, a name which rang a bell in Phetmolge's 
awareness, although at the moment he couldn't place it.
     "I've been waiting for you," she repeated, in a soft, inviting voice.
     "How did you know I was coming?" Phetmolge asked, since he and his partner had 
told no one they were coming to check on the boat today.  He was pretty sure she had 
mistaken him for someone else, since she had previously mentioned meeting him in a 
police station; he'd never been in a police station in his life.  But since he was a 
troll, it was pretty hard to mistake him for anyone else on the Isle, and so he 
thought this woman was not right in the head.  He hoped to gently lead the 
conversation around to finding out where she came from and whether she had any 
relatives who could take charge of her.
     Khirza, his partner, was acting strangely.  Always rather hyperactive, she was 
practically manic now, leaping across his field of vision with her arms frantically 
waving, tail straight out and bristling like a bottle-brush.  He glanced at her as 
she landed on all fours next to the boiler.  "What?"
     "She's not human!" Khirza shouted.
     Phetmolge frowned in puzzlement that his friend would make an issue of this.  
She herself was not human but of the Pridefolk, a cat-woman.  And he was a troll.  
What did either of them care that their visitor was not human?  Come to think of it, 
though, Jolane looked human enough.  She had risen from her nest and approached him, 
smiling.  She was graceful and looked quite kissable, which was a little strange 
since he wasn't normally attracted to humans.  From a few inches away, he could feel 
the delightful coolness of her body.
     As he reached for Jolane, something tugged on his arm.  It was Khirza, making a 
pest of herself again.  Her mouth was moving and he realized she was still shouting.  
"...dead, Phetmolge!  She's undead!"
     "I knew that you would come to me at last," said Jolane, her soft voice easy to 
hear above all the background clatter.  "A little late, of course..."  Her tone was 
chiding.  "But better late than never.  Join me, and we'll rest forever in each 
other's arms."
     Even to his infatuated perception, this sounded like something one might see on 
a tombstone.  Jolane must have noticed a change in his expression because she added, 
"Know bliss, I mean.  We'll know bliss forever in each other's arms."
     "Oh," he said.  "Yes, all right."  Again he reached for her as her arms went 
around his neck.  He bent his head down for the kiss--
     --and got a faceful of Khirza's leather jerkin.  The cat-woman had leaped on 
him, wrapping her arms and legs around his head.  He staggered around, struggling to 
free himself while being careful not to hurt his friend.  He stepped on something 
slippery.  There was a scream.
     "You big oaf!" shrieked Jolane's voice.  "You big... you big... troll... you're 
not Galen!  And to think I almost--OHHH!  Fraud!  Despoiler!"
     A moment later, Khirza let go and climbed off of him.  The two partners were 
alone in the boiler room.
     "Perceptive, wasn't she?" Khirza panted.
     "What happened?"
     The cat-woman looked rather satisfied as she explained, "I don't know, maybe 
sirens don't have very good eyesight.  But then you stepped on her.  When you step on 
someone, big guy, they notice that they've been stepped on by a troll.  So she ran 
off, jumped back in the lake I guess."
     Although he still felt rather fuzzy-headed, Phetmolge was beginning to get it.  
"You mean, that woman was a siren?  A drowned woman who lures men to their deaths?  
How could you tell?"
     Cats laugh silently.  Khirza gave him a toothy grin, her tail twitching in 
merriment.

"Dear Mr. Shanmarrik,

You may not remember us, but you were a passenger on our boat, the 'Naiad's Dream,' a 
few months ago.  Maybe it is that slight connection that led to a strange case of 
mistaken identity yesterday.  Our boat had been docked for some time due to the 
magical disturbances around the Isle.  Khirza (my partner) and I had visited the dock 
to do some routine maintenance when we met a person who apparently mistook me for 
you.  She called me by your name, and identified herself as Jolane.

Mr. Shanmarrik, this person seemed quite unnatural and might in fact be one of the 
lake-dwelling undead that we have been warned about.  Therefore if you decide to 
investigate this incident I urge you to use extreme caution.  If you wish further 
information or help, please contact Khirza at the Castaways guildhouse affiliated 
with the Talahya arena, or myself, Phetmolge, at the Up To No Good guildhouse, 
affiliated with the Lirin Kiv arena.  We stand ready to give any assistance within 
our power.

                                                         Your Servant,
                                                          Phetmolge"

     Galen's hands trembled as he read the letter.  She was back.  She was dead.  
Somehow it was his fault.  He had to meet with her if possible.  He would go to the 
Naiad's Dream immediately.

          + ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ The Tides of Magic #11 ]H[ + ---:--- + ]H[ +

Talahya?

     They found a flagstone path that paralleled the shoreline and flipped a coin, 
turned to the right (as calculated when facing the shore), and strode along briskly 
through thinning fog.
     "It's going to be a hot day once this fog clears," Scarlatti said, with the air 
of one who will make conversation at any cost.  "If we could find a hill or a tower, 
we might see for miles."
     Fizban's eyebrows rose.  "Now that is a good idea, an excellent idea!"  The old 
wizard looked around hopefully.  "I would really LIKE to be able to see for miles.  
We might guess where we are, if we can do that."
     "We won't see anything we recognize," Carris Fallstar predicted.  This is 
somewhere else entirely.  I can feel it in my bones."  The elf shrugged.  "But a long 
view to put ourselves in some kind of geographical context might be useful."
     After five minutes of walking, it became apparent that the geographical context 
was flat, and that if there were any buildings nearby, they were hidden by a belt of 
trees that lay just inland of the path they'd found.  The best they'd managed in the 
way of a height was a hill that rose about ten feet above the beach.  Fog lingered 
under the trees, but over the water to their left, it was clearing fast.  It was 
already clearer than they had ever seen the air between the Isle of the Eye and 
Alastari.  The water went on to the horizon, but it was blotched with wooded islands 
in the middle distance.  Some of the islands had castles on them, shining cream and 
golden and red as coral in the morning sun.  There were boats, too, or perhaps they 
were ships: big vessels and small, with sails, or banks of oars, or less obvious 
means of propulsion.
     "Well, at least it isn't an uninhabited world we've come to, apparently."  
Moonjumper studied the scene critically.  "But--"
     "The path already told us there are people here," Scarlatti said.
     "But," Moonjumper persisted, "it's a damned large one.  We're going to have to 
find someone to talk to, and people aren't exactly lining up on the path to meet us."
     Rogan, who naturally had not been staring around, tensed suddenly.  "Someone is 
coming along the path," he said.

                             REPORT FROM WITHIN THE TOWER

     Alarond wanted to praise and blame you for your deeds.  What a stuffed shirt!  
It's lots more fun to praise and blame you for any old thing at all, whether it was 
your deed or somebody else's.
     Royal Flush was avoided by The Stormguards.  I could sling a bit of free-
standing praise and blame over this, but you've heard it all before.  Unless... do 
you know the REAL, INSIDE story of the quarrel between Apple Jack and Jack Sprat?  
That tale could beguile an hour or two!
     Ours Rouge was challenged the most, possibly because of the taxidermy conference 
in town.
     Nobody died, although it is rumored (anybody check this out?) that a coward, 
assuming you could find one, dies a thousand deaths.  I presume the said coward has 
something like a Ring of Infinite Resurrections, or how could it happen?  Also, 
Alarond seems to be concerned about grave robbers.  Who'd want to rob a grave in this 
heat?  Nasty business.  Pass it by.
     Further, and quite falsely, Alarond claims that "a notched sword sings 
sweetest."  Ha!  HE has never been in a situation where he has to count on his sword 
to save his life!  You want it SHARP and well-honed.  No notches, no knicks.
     Forty-one fights, which is good.  Not as many as Free Blades, but so what?  Who 
wants to be Free Blades?  Eighteen challenge matches, which isn't bad, either.  Four 
standbys earned their pay.

     And now, since I'm not in the mood for "ado," here's the facts:
     TUTANKHAMUN (71-3357) (14-7-0,71) of CARTOUCHE fought LAKE SAILOR (101-2) (0-0-
0,30) of Local Louts.  TUTANKHAMUN handily defeated LAKE SAILOR in a popular 1 minute 
bloody mismatched duel.  Odd, I would have expected Tut to have a mace and a flail.  
More in keeping with his personal traditions, you know?
     LUNA TYCK (33-5761) (27-29-1,55) of DRAKE'S PETTING ZOO fought BABOO (74-2711) 
(39-89-0,58) of WILD AMINALS.  LUNA TYCK slimly lost to BABOO in a crowd pleasing 7 
minute brutal duel.  Seven minutes is brutal for the fans, too.  I don't know if this 
was the longest fight, and I'm not going to look, but it was long enough.
     AVALANCHE (75-2213) (13-3-1,73) of FORCE OF NATURE fought NASTY NITTERS (63-
2383) (17-20-2,72) of TOMATO ENFORCER.  AVALANCHE viciously subdued NASTY NITTERS in 
a popular 1 minute brutal match.  What kind of avalanch does a tomato enforcer call 
down?  Fat green worms?  Those little white moths?  Wandering goats?
     SIR VILE (10-4754) (17-12-0,63) of SIR AGLIO fought LYTA ALEXANDER (65-5021) (9-
4-0,54) of AND SO IT BEGINS.  SIR VILE handily defeated LYTA ALEXANDER in a 1 minute 
mismatched match.  You see the distinction, don't you?  Between a Sir who is Vile and 
one who is Servile.  At least, that's what Lyta's fans are saying.  'Course, they're 
biased.  I've got a feeling Lyta is new here, is that so?
     SULTAN (10-4516) (24-8-0,84) of SIR AGLIO fought CROW (60-6269) (12-5-0,42) of 
SHADOW SIGNS.  SULTAN overpowered CROW in a 1 minute one-sided duel.  And I don't 
think I've seen this Crow fella before, either.  Of course, I might not have been 
looking.  There are days like that.
     LETHE (9-4782) (23-16-2,43) of BLUE MOON fought GAR & BRILL (38-4252) (16-17-
0,65) of JUST BECAUSE.  LETHE was demolished by GAR & BRILL in a 1 minute one-sided 
duel.  Heck, anybody could have told Lethe that brilled troll is dangerous to your 
health.  But some people have to learn the hard way.
     TSUNAMI (75-2214) (16-2-1,88) of FORCE OF NATURE fought LAKE SAILOR (101-2) (0-
0-0,30) of Local Louts.  TSUNAMI overpowered LAKE SAILOR in a crowd pleasing 1 minute 
one-sided match.  I love this one, it's so RIGHT.  One-sided, but so what?  Life is 
like that.
     MIGHTY MITE (82-13968) (17-21-0,74) of VERMIN!! fought NO CHASER (33-6490) (26-
18-0,78) of JOYS OF BOOZE.  MIGHTY MITE bested NO CHASER in an action packed 2 minute 
bout.  Does this mean No couldn't catch Mighty?  And if Mighty's a vermit, is he, by 
chance, a mouse?  And No perhaps a cat?  Well, maybe that would be too much to ask.  
But I like it when the program entertains me, you know?
     KOGITSUNE MARU (1-5298) (18-10-1,72) of SWEORDMASTERS fought KOOKABURRA (33-
4151) (40-53-1,88) of GIRL SCOUT COOKIES.  KOGITSUNE MARU was devastated by 
KOOKABURRA in a 1 minute one-sided battle.  There was, as you will note, no tossing 
of the cookies today.
     MUMMY (99-853) (7-3-5,29) of IKER'S CORPSES fought GLORY HOLE (98-870) (5-5-
4,24) of SUPERIOR KILLZ.  MUMMY was devastated by GLORY HOLE in a 1 minute one-sided 
duel.  There's probably something sharp I could say about this battle between a 
couple of bonafide killers, but then again, do I want to stick my neck out in this 
company?  I don't think so.
     CARRIE NATION (64-4054) (31-62-0,97) of REFORMERS fought XISS (11-1305) (22-26-
4,53) of U.B.O.S.M.  CARRIE NATION was beaten by XISS in a 2 minute brutal fray.  I 
hate these acronym deals.  "Ugly Boys Of San Marino"?  I don't know who or where San 
Marino is, but Debby Tonte mentioned him once.  Which must mean they have good tans 
and drink a lot, but their drinks have umbrellas in them, right?
     BUDDERCUP (60-5967) (28-23-0,125) of BUMS 'R' US fought NINJA FERD (101-30) (0-
0-0,130) of Local Louts.  BUDDERCUP was overpowered by NINJA FERD in a 2 minute one-
sided bout.  Ferd has had a movie offer (no, I don't know what a "movie" is, but if I 
say it fast, it sounds like something that makes sense), and he's practicing his 
moves.
     CRUSADER LORD (31-3946) (32-20-3,122) of THE STORMGUARDS fought STARBUCK (6-
5387) (22-14-0,91) of SCIENCE FICTION.  CRUSADER LORD was overpowered by STARBUCK in 
a popular 1 minute one-sided match.  This Starbuck dude says he has nothing to do 
with coffee, but how else do you explain things like this?
     COM DOT (65-6217) (34-20-0,126) of TOO GOOD FOR ME fought LIGHTNING (32-3932) 
(30-19-4,113) of HARBINGERS.  COM DOT overpowered LIGHTNING in an action packed 1 
minute uneven fight.  I heard of a case once where a communications golem (aka, com 
dot?) got fried by lightning, so maybe this makes sense.  Then again, maybe it 
doesn't, but so what?
     KYLIE (18-6057) (21-16-1,130) of UNTOUCHABLES fought PARADISE PARROT (71-1735) 
(26-25-0,133) of EDGE OF EXTINCTION.  KYLIE was overcome by PARADISE PARROT in an 
exciting 4 minute duel.  How can a place be a paradise if it's got a parrot in it?  
Have you ever LISTENED to a parrot?  Either they screech, or they're insulting, and 
it's no wonder they're threatened with extinction.  Oh, well.
      SPAZZ (33-6207) (33-23-0,155) of SNOTZI'S II fought DELICE THE RED (56-3401) 
(36-42-1,122) of BAD APPLES.  SPAZZ was narrowly defeated by DELICE THE RED in an 
exciting 2 minute fray.  An apple a day sends you to the doctor?  Especially if it's 
a BAD apple, I guess.
     THE RED SPARROW (60-5732) (18-9-1,153) of 4000 BLOWS fought LOOMING BIRD (82-
424) (41-55-3,125) of YOU FEEL THAT!.  THE RED SPARROW demolished LOOMING BIRD in an 
action packed 2 minute one-sided melee.  I seem to recall from some previous 
occassion that this Sparrow is very LARGE.  Large enough to loom over the Bird, 
perhaps?
     HALLIE O'DENE (58-6018) (38-53-0,159) of CIRQUE DU MASQUES fought TICKLES (9-
3486) (33-52-1,118) of MY PETS.  HALLIE O'DENE lost to TICKLES in a popular 1 minute 
fight.  We should make tickling an attack tactic.  So many people are helpless in the 
face of it.  Hmm, would the relevant defense tactic be the hedgehog?  You know, where 
you curl up in a ball on the sands and hope that everything is covered by your armor.
     SIR CUITOUS (10-4514) (35-20-0,195) of SIR AGLIO fought HOT HAZEL (98-608) (16-
21-4,151) of JUNKYARD WARS.  SIR CUITOUS defeated HOT HAZEL in an exciting 4 minute 
gory duel.  Hazel is HOT and she's headed for a winning record come what may.  Don't 
get in her way.
     ROLEX WATCH (32-3732) (38-28-0,198) of LUST MUPPETS fought MASHER (60-4553) (31-
31-3,178) of JOKA MASHER!.  ROLEX WATCH defeated MASHER in a popular 1 minute match.  
I blinked and missed this one.  Or perhaps I nodded off for a moment.  Anyway, I 
don't know why it was popular, but these things happen.
     R'SHANN (20-577) (43-34-3,214) of OVERLORDS fought LUDO (18-708) (51-57-2,190) 
of THUNDR + LITENING.  R'SHANN overpowered LUDO in an action packed 4 minute bloody 
uneven fray.  So.  And what is the meaning of this, eh?  I don't remember offhand 
whether Doc was bringing us good warriors or bad ones.  I guess what counts most is 
that he brings warriors who show up for their fights every two weeks.
     DIRT WORM (82-2315) (52-22-0,229) of VERMIN!! fought HUNGRY HAROLD (101-29) (0-
0-0,200) of Local Louts.  DIRT WORM was defeated by HUNGRY HAROLD in an exciting 6 
minute duel.  Which just tells you how hungry Harold was, if he'd spend that long 
trying to catch a worm.  Or pry a worm out of its shell, as the case may be.
     50 SUCKS (60-4129) (49-29-0,241) of JOKA MASHER! fought EMERALD DRAGONFLY (60-
2586) (57-58-2,204) of MAGICK.  50 SUCKS was handily defeated by EMERALD DRAGONFLY in 
a 1 minute competition.  If fifty's that bad, think what fifty-four or so must be!  
And this sort of thing just goes on and on.

     Ah, the challenge matches!  That means I'm more than half way through.
     NEVERMORE (1-5260) (17-19-2,61) of LAB EXPERIMENTS challenged TORATORATORRES 
(11-726) (21-19-0,66) of U.B.O.S.M.  Up 5.  NEVERMORE overpowered TORATORATORRES in a 
1 minute gory one-sided Challenge bout.  Up By the Old Salt Marsh?  Under a Bridge On 
Silver Mountain?  Ugly Boots Of Steel Mesh?  This stuff drives me nuts.  Don't do it 
to me.
     FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE (98-809) (7-3-4,28) of COLLEGE RADIO challenged SKI MASK (58-
5869) (25-47-0,51) of CIRQUE DU MASQUES.  Up 23.  FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE was overpowered 
by SKI MASK in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.  Oh, gods, does this mean we can 
look forward to an hour of Duck on the radio?  I don't know if I could stand that.  I 
don't know if ANYONE could stand that.
     PREACHER (7-5083) (17-8-2,60) of THRILLZ & KILLZ challenged OURS ROUGE (3-6049) 
(16-21-1,63) of THE REDBAERS.  Up 3.  This is most-challenged Ours Rouge, remember.  
PREACHER narrowly defeated OURS ROUGE in a crowd pleasing 3 minute Challenge brawl.  
What I want to know is, did Preacher take a dagger and shave the Bear close?
     FUNKY ELVIS (30-2754) (15-11-0,56) of TRIP OUT challenged GREASESPOT (60-5964) 
(22-29-0,92) of BUMS 'R' US.  Up 36.  FUNKY ELVIS was devastated by GREASESPOT in a 1 
minute uneven Challenge duel.  And who wouldn't be devastated by grease spots on the 
blue suede shoes, eh?  Have YOU ever tried to get grease spots off suede?
     ONE A DAY (98-799) (9-2-3,28) of MY DRUGS challenged MOD COD (55-2638) (37-69-
1,52) of RHYME TYME.  Up 24.  ONE A DAY won victory over MOD COD in a 2 minute 
Challenge bout.  But only once in the day, of course.
     FOREVER MAN (38-4168) (26-39-0,50) of SANDS OF TIME challenged MEN IN BLACK (49-
3157) (41-89-1,81) of RPG'S.  Up 31.  FOREVER MAN was viciously subdued by MEN IN 
BLACK in a 5 minute Challenge conflict.  You ever ask yourself, "Just how many men 
ARE there in that black robe?"  Seems like it might be a tad unevern.
     GWYN AP NUDD (41-1210) (17-2-0,65) of CAER SIDHE challenged ODEN WARFIEND (11-
1335) (23-18-2,67) of U.B.O.S.M.  Up 2.  GWYN AP NUDD demolished ODEN WARFIEND in a 1 
minute mismatched Challenge match.  Son of Nudd?  Is this the guy that rides around 
with a pack of hounds?  Were they YOUR dogs, Gwyn, that were digging up bodies buried 
in the sands?  It made a mess and annoyed the maintenance crew.
     FILI LIU (2-4968) (17-16-0,42) of RESURRECTION challenged ANDAR (11-1038) (17-
12-1,50) of U.B.O.S.M.  Up 8.  FILI LIU devastated ANDAR in a 1 minute mismatched 
Challenge conflict.  These Ubosms don't seem to be doing very well today.  Gotta try 
harder, right?
     ISAWA TADAKA (7-5093) (19-4-0,72) of CALL TO THUNDER challenged BEER GOGGLES 
(33-6819) (19-14-1,84) of JOYS OF BOOZE.  Up 12.  ISAWA TADAKA overpowered BEER 
GOGGLES in a 2 minute brutal one-sided Challenge fight.  Another one of the joys of 
booze: losing fights.
     ROGAN (97-980) (5-10-4,34) of BLIND LUCK challenged AVARICIOUS AVON (63-2388) 
(18-16-0,73) of TOMATO ENFORCER.  Up 39.  ROGAN was overpowered by AVARICIOUS AVON in 
a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.  Be sure to check your pockets, Rogan.  Avon 
isn't called avaricious for nothing.
     VAL BEMERIKI (51-5018) (33-24-3,110) of GENOCIDE challenged BUBBLES (12-4981) 
(23-37-1,137) of POWERPUFF GIRLS.  Up 27.  VAL BEMERIKI vanquished BUBBLES in an 
action packed 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.  And at the moment of victory, every 
bubble in every beer stein and bathtub in Talahya vanished.  I trust they will 
return, but for now, they've been genocided.
     HAPPY JACK (19-4086) (34-22-2,136) of THE MOTHERSHIP challenged TALOS (31-2069) 
(40-17-0,144) of THE STORMGUARDS.  Up 8.  HAPPY JACK slimly lost to TALOS in an 
action packed 3 minute Challenge melee.  Which, I suppose, did not leave Jack feeling 
happy.  Hmm, are we over-supplied with Jacks here?  Seems like every time I turn 
around, there's another one.
     QUEEN AMAZONIA (12-4796) (30-35-1,116) of DARKMOON challenged QRAPPY (10-4761) 
(28-46-1,120) of QUBIT.  Up 4.  QUEEN AMAZONIA was devastated by QRAPPY in a 1 minute 
one-sided Challenge competition.  Well, I hope there were good skills to get out of 
that.  The Queen is always out there trying, and she should get something for her 
efforts, don't you think?
     OBSESSED AVENGER (15-2162) (37-38-1,157) of DRAKE'S BAR-B-Q challenged W.T. POOH 
(33-4430) (54-38-0,168) of SNOTZI'S II.  Up 11.  OBSESSED AVENGER devastated W.T. 
POOH in a 5 minute one-sided Challenge duel.  And no wonder!  For W.T. Pooh has been 
implicated in the Heinous Honey Heist!  This is an Offense against Sweetness!
     SPAZ GHOST (47-4161) (37-18-1,187) of DRAKE'S COMICS challenged STRONGEST #3 
(40-173) (44-84-1,199) of SOLARAN BERSERK.  Up 12.  SPAZ GHOST overpowered STRONGEST 
#3 in a 3 minute one-sided Challenge fight.  Three minutes?  Is this some kind of 
balance, like it would take four minutes to put down #4 and five minutes for #5 and 
so on?  Inquiring minds want to know!
     CAFFIENE ACHIEVER (15-2429) (34-37-4,190) of DRAKE'S BAR-B-Q challenged ABOUT 
YOUR CAR... (78-778) (97-131-6,202) of BAD NEWS.  Up 12.  CAFFIENE ACHIEVER 
demolished ABOUT YOUR CAR... in a 1 minute uneven Challenge fight.  And seldom have I 
seen demolition undertaken in a state of such complete alertness, except when I saw 
someone under the influence of a sicks-pack of Jolt.
     UU DOEWANAKNO (73-1414) (19-5-1,135) of DRAKE'S LODGE TV challenged BLACK RHINO 
(71-1834) (34-22-1,178) of EDGE OF EXTINCTION.  Up 43, in our only TV challenge.  UU 
DOEWANAKNO devastated BLACK RHINO in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge fight.  Which 
pushes the Rhino that much closer to the edge of extinction, and as much as Black 
weighs, you don't want to be standing near by when the edge crumbles.
     And for the title of Captain of the Guard:  SORROW (1-2863) (28-21-2,238) of 
SWEORDMASTERS challenged KAIDEN (35-3108) (70-73-2,281) of VIOLENT FEMS.  Up 43, and 
our salute to Sorrow for making the attempt.  However... SORROW lost to KAIDEN in an 
action packed 1 minute Challenge Title battle.  What can I say?  Violence comes 
naturally to Kaiden, more naturally, perhaps, than writing a column.  Oh, well.

                                        Olaf Modeen

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD          W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 KAIDEN 35-3108              71  73  2  291  VIOLENT FEMS (972)         MURSKA

GRAND CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS    W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 EMERALD DRAGONFLY 60-2586   58  58  2  225  MAGICK (955)               ARADI
 R'SHANN 20-577              44  34  3  224  OVERLORDS (30)             SEAM
-BEAUTY QUEEN 47-3352        32  33  3  220  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK

GRAND CHAMPIONS               W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 SPAZ GHOST 47-4161          38  18  1  206  DRAKE'S COMICS (1112)      NORTH FORK
 CAFFIENE ACHIEVER 15-2429   35  37  4  206  DRAKE'S BAR-B-Q (313)      MALCORN
 ROLEX WATCH 32-3732         39  28  0  200  LUST MUPPETS (1099)        ARVAT

GRAND CHAMPIONS               W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 SIR CUITOUS 10-4514         36  20  0  197  SIR AGLIO (788)            KOLACT
 DIRT WORM 82-2315           52  23  0  196  VERMIN!! (1124)            DWES EG
-PRIMUS 21-4975              32  11  0  195  REAL BEER (1116)           SUNSET
 SORROW 1-2863               28  22  2  195  SWEORDMASTERS (1210)       MORDANT
-WURP 10-18                  44  49  1  193  WAR HAWKS (1026)           KOLACT
-STELLA BLUE 53-6167         24  13  1  192  PUERCO'S PINATA (700)      KHALHUMS
 50 SUCKS 60-4129            49  30  0  190  JOKA MASHER! (833)         ARADI
 STRONGEST #3 40-173         44  85  1  189  SOLARAN BERSERK (949)      ZENSU
-FANNY BELT 28-1804          37  24  1  189  OTTO'S MECHANICS (1073)    MORYA
 LUDO 18-708                 51  58  2  187  THUNDR + LITENING (222)    TALCAMA
 ABOUT YOUR CAR... 78-778    97 132  6  185  BAD NEWS (640)             LIN TIRIAN
 OBSESSED AVENGER 15-2162    38  38  1  184  DRAKE'S BAR-B-Q (313)      MALCORN

GRAND CHALLENGER ADEPTS       W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 MASHER 60-4553              31  32  3  180  JOKA MASHER! (833)         ARADI
-MUSILAR DE MITTEL 53-5753   31  15  0  177  PUERCO'S PINATA (700)      KHALHUMS
-SUNNY BRAE 53-5638          33  26  1  176  PUERCO'S PINATA (700)      KHALHUMS
 UU DOEWANAKNO 73-1414       20   5  1  173  DRAKE'S LODGE (1206)       ERINIKA
-WAHOO 26-3916               23  15  1  167  HERE TO PHOENIX (1072)     CALEAM
 HOT HAZEL 98-608            16  22  4  164  JUNKYARD WARS (1140)       SYVYN'S HILL
-TANNIN 65-4409              37  25  2  163  CRIMSON PEGASI (1079)      DAL SHANG
-STEVE MCQUEEN 47-3908       28  30  1  161  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK
 THE RED SPARROW 60-5732     19   9  1  159  4000 BLOWS (1107)          ARADI
 TALOS 31-2069               41  17  0  156  THE STORMGUARDS (132)      CHIMLEVTAL
 W.T. POOH 33-4430           54  39  0  153  SNOTZI'S II (813)          NIYTYOLE ISLAND
 DELICE THE RED 56-3401      37  42  1  152  BAD APPLES (1091)          ROCANIS

GRAND ADEPTS                  W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 BLACK RHINO 71-1834         34  23  1  150  EDGE OF EXTINCTION (973)   KYR'TERR
 TICKLES 9-3486              34  52  1  147  MY PETS (554)              ZUKAL
 PARADISE PARROT 71-1735     27  25  0  143  EDGE OF EXTINCTION (973)   KYR'TERR
 HAPPY JACK 19-4086          34  23  2  142  THE MOTHERSHIP (1148)      ZUWAYZA
-NIGHTSHADE 29-3773          20  12  0  142  THE TAKEN (350)            LAPUR
 COM DOT 65-6217             35  20  0  140  TOO GOOD FOR ME (1054)     DAL SHANG
-POPE PAUL II 79-1317        22  13  0  137  CHAPEL ROCK (776)          MIROI CHANG
 SPAZZ 33-6207               33  24  0  136  SNOTZI'S II (813)          NIYTYOLE ISLAND
 VAL BEMERIKI 51-5018        34  24  3  135  GENOCIDE (1109)            TRICORUS
 HALLIE O'DENE 58-6018       38  54  0  134  CIRQUE DU MASQUES (1093)   DELARQ TOR
-JOE KING 47-2223            27  42  0  133  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK
-X THE BOLD 10-16            52  48  1  132  WAR HAWKS (1026)           KOLACT
 KYLIE 18-6057               21  17  1  130  UNTOUCHABLES (1190)        TALCAMA
 QRAPPY 10-4761              29  46  1  129  QUBIT (1136)               KOLACT
-APPLE JACK 47-4011          26  16  4  127  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK
 LOOMING BIRD 82-424         41  56  3  125  YOU FEEL THAT! (1205)      DWES EG
-BURGER KING 47-4152         28  20  2  124  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK
 STARBUCK 6-5387             23  14  0  124  SCIENCE FICTION (1152)     TRANSEL
-JACK SPRAT 47-2954          43  51  4  121  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK
-KHARN 51-2997               33  34  4  118  COLD STEEL (296)           TRICORUS
 BUDDERCUP 60-5967           28  24  0  117  BUMS 'R' US (1142)         ARADI
 BUBBLES 12-4981             23  38  1  116  POWERPUFF GIRLS (1145)     RIZTAB
 LIGHTNING 32-3932           30  20  4  110  HARBINGERS (1226)          ARVAT
 QUEEN AMAZONIA 12-4796      30  36  1  107  DARKMOON (1197)            RIZTAB
-TRIDENT 29-3767             26   7  0  105  THE TAKEN (350)            LAPUR
-JUGGLER 2-4965              22  10  0  105  HARLEQUINS (1186)          NIANIA
-NED THE JANITOR 66-2973     19  19  0  101  ANDORIAN UNIVERSITY (1123) TARRGIR

GRAND CHALLENGER INITIATES    W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
-MIME 2-4966                 20  11  3  100  HARLEQUINS (1186)          NIANIA
 KOOKABURRA 33-4151          41  53  1   99  GIRL SCOUT COOKIES (812)   NIYTYOLE ISLAND
-SABLE 2-4950                25  11  2   99  HARLEQUINS (1186)          NIANIA
 CRUSADER LORD 31-3946       32  21  3   98  THE STORMGUARDS (132)      CHIMLEVTAL
 GREASESPOT 60-5964          23  29  0   96  BUMS 'R' US (1142)         ARADI
-ROWDY YOBBO 20-3429         20  18  1   94  SPARF! (1069)              SEAM

GRAND CHALLENGER INITIATES    W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 ISAWA TADAKA 7-5093         20   4  0   92  CALL TO THUNDER (1217)     BONSUR

GRAND INITIATES               W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 TSUNAMI 75-2214             17   2  1   90  FORCE OF NATURE (747)      JADE MOUNTAIN
-OSCAR 50-3153               25   5  0   88  OPEN SESAME (824)          SNOWBOUND
 SULTAN 10-4516              25   8  0   87  SIR AGLIO (788)            KOLACT
 MIGHTY MITE 82-13968        18  21  0   86  VERMIN!! (1124)            DWES EG
 MEN IN BLACK 49-3157        42  89  1   83  RPG'S (697)                VITHICAR
 XISS 11-1305                23  26  4   81  U.B.O.S.M. (1184)          ARUAK CITY
 AVALANCHE 75-2213           14   3  1   81  FORCE OF NATURE (747)      JADE MOUNTAIN
 GWYN AP NUDD 41-1210        18   2  0   80  CAER SIDHE (1218)          KATI-TEI
 NEVERMORE 1-5260            18  19  2   76  LAB EXPERIMENTS (1207)     MORDANT
-ROT TEN EGGS 47-3099        28  31  0   75  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK
-SPRING SHOE 30-4178         19  23  2   75  CARNIVAL (1130)            IAYE
 AVARICIOUS AVON 63-2388     19  16  0   75  TOMATO ENFORCER (1193)     AMEN-TEI
 SIR VILE 10-4754            18  12  0   75  SIR AGLIO (788)            KOLACT
 NO CHASER 33-6490           26  19  0   74  JOYS OF BOOZE (1209)       NIYTYOLE ISLAND
-BOOTLEG PATCHWORK 11-4660   20  12  2   74  GERFEL'S FRIENDS (516)     ARUAK CITY
-THE FRATSFAN CHEF 30-4385   15   5  0   74  ANDORIAN UNIVERSITY (1213) IAYE
 BEER GOGGLES 33-6819        19  15  1   73  JOYS OF BOOZE (1209)       NIYTYOLE ISLAND
 GAR & BRILL 38-4252         17  17  0   73  JUST BECAUSE (1228)        CLIFFHOME
 TUTANKHAMUN 71-3357         15   7  0   73  CARTOUCHE (1111)           KYR'TERR
-SNOWMAN 29-3460             20  20  1   71  THE TAKEN (350)            LAPUR
 CARRIE NATION 64-4054       31  63  0   70  REFORMERS (1095)           KURUKAR
 NASTY NITTERS 63-2383       17  21  2   70  TOMATO ENFORCER (1193)     AMEN-TEI
-CUBA 26-3917                17   8  0   70  HERE TO PHOENIX (1072)     CALEAM
 PREACHER 7-5083             18   8  2   68  THRILLZ & KILLZ (1211)     BONSUR
-KATANA 62-3769               9  11  0   67  SAMURAI KIDS II (1182)     VALAMANTIS
 KOGITSUNE MARU 1-5298       18  11  1   66  SWEORDMASTERS (1210)       MORDANT
 BABOO 74-2711               40  89  0   63  WILD AMINALS (635)         DAIYLA KIV
 OURS ROUGE 3-6049           16  22  1   62  THE REDBAERS (1180)        OSKSI
-RADIENCE 9-4004             22  17  3   61  RED FURY (786)             ZUKAL
 ODEN WARFIEND 11-1335       23  19  2   60  U.B.O.S.M. (1184)          ARUAK CITY
 FILI LIU 2-4968             18  16  0   60  RESURRECTION (1065)        NIANIA
-PERFECT TEN 47-4218         21  17  1   59  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK
 SKI MASK 58-5869            26  47  0   57  CIRQUE DU MASQUES (1093)   DELARQ TOR
 FUNKY ELVIS 30-2754         15  12  0   55  TRIP OUT (1216)            IAYE
-NESSUS 56-3622              14   8  5   55  ACT OF MALICE (1146)       ROCANIS
 LUNA TYCK 33-5761           27  30  1   54  DRAKE'S PETTING ZOO (1075) NIYTYOLE ISLAND
 FOREVER MAN 38-4168         26  40  0   53  SANDS OF TIME (1195)       CLIFFHOME
 TORATORATORRES 11-726       21  20  0   53  U.B.O.S.M. (1184)          ARUAK CITY
-CIARAN 1-7176               15   6  1   52  MANNEQUIN'S BEST (1227)    MORDANT
 LYTA ALEXANDER 65-5021       9   5  0   48  AND SO IT BEGINS (1062)    DAL SHANG
 CROW 60-6269                12   6  0   47  SHADOW SIGNS (1220)        ARADI
 ONE A DAY 98-799            10   2  3   45  MY DRUGS (1222)            SYVYN'S HILL
 LETHE 9-4782                23  17  2   39  BLUE MOON (1025)           ZUKAL
 GLORY HOLE 98-870            6   5  4   39  SUPERIOR KILLZ (1224)      SYVYN'S HILL
 MOD COD 55-2638             37  70  1   38  RHYME TYME (449)           KHALANI
 ANDAR 11-1038               17  13  1   37  U.B.O.S.M. (1184)          ARUAK CITY
 ROGAN 97-980                 5  11  4   35  BLIND LUCK (1183)          SHADOW GROVE
-ANGAR 10-4933               15  15  1   33  WAR HAWKS (1026)           KOLACT
 FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE 98-809    7   4  4   24  COLLEGE RADIO (1223)       SYVYN'S HILL
 MUMMY 99-853                 7   4  5   16  IKER'S CORPSES (1225)      SOUTH RIDGE

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD                    W   L  K TEAM NAME              SLAIN BY              TURN

                               PERSONAL CORRESPONDENCE

Val Bemeriki -- I think you're supposed to swing back at least *once* during the 
fight. At least the fans liked all the flashy stuff at the beginning. -- Bubbles

#3 -- You have another idea?  What are you talking about?  I haven't been running my 
teams there for months now! -- Tankesh, Mgr. Tuft Tuggers

     Your legend lingers on.

Kookaburra -- Thank you, thank you, thank you!  Those skills were badly needed.  Oh, 
and it's nice to come across another old style Home Guardian. -- Queen Amazonia

Musilar de Mittel -- Oh?  Where are you bathing, then? -- Hallie O'Dene

Toratoratorres -- Ha!  That will just SHOW you what happens when you drink to the 
point of seeing triple!  You get hit three times instead of once! -- Carrie Nation

Preacher -- You mammals are hostile to Ducks even in your religions!  Don't try to 
fool me, I know! -- Ski Mask, Founder and President of Ducks With Swords

Nightshade -- Do you consider that a particularly manly thing to do?  Oh, you're 
female, hard to tell.  And that is a particularly awful shade of eyeshadow you're 
wearing.  It makes you look like some kind of walking dead. -- Delice the Red

Kogitsune Maru -- Ah, skills!  Thank you, that is just what I wanted. -- Lethe

18 July 2003
To All Managers -- I would like to take this time to announce that my alliance, The
Association, is no more.  Due to the dead weight managers of the alliance and their
lack of participation, DarkSpirit and I have formed a new alliance:  The Firm.  We
have taken on two members so far and are looking for a few more.  If you would like
to find out more about The Firm, you can diplo Dark Spirit, Unknowns XX in arena 15
or myself, Sungod, Sadists F2FII in arena 62.
                               --*  The Firm *--
                    Sungod -- Sadists F2FII -- 62
                    Dark Spirit -- Unknowns XX -- 15
                    Youngblood -- Wensinwasin -- 43
                    Tripwire -- Of Wolf and Man -- 1

26 July 2003
     Citizens of Alastari, a bright dawn has risen.  While you slept, a pernicious
force has entered the once-fair City of Aruak.  It fought alongside their treasured
warriors, it drank with their fans, and it slept with their women.  Now the masks are
coming off.
     Warriors, be afraid...be very afraid.  After years of Andorian managers ranting
that Aruak is the safest city in Alastari, the Frothingslosh Syndicate has selected
Aruak City as the home for its next epic 'contest'--Murder by Numbers II.  Our spies
have selected the warriors for extermination, and the executioners have had several
months to prepare.  Now a new age of darkness will descend upon Aruak, as the
Syndicate and its allies bring an entirely new level of competition to the arena!
Downchallenges!  Assassinations!  Small poodles as hors d'oeuvres!
     The Murder by Numbers II 'rules' will be announced next cycle.  However, we
invite all managers, from all corners of Alastari, to come to Aruak City and take
part...in one way or another.  Help defend the honor of a long heralded haven for the
pure, or join the forces of change in their siege of the ice-cream and cake
stronghold of the Dukes of Nerf-Dueling!
     This exercise is not for either the faint of heart or the weak willed.  Blood
will flow, brains will leak, and beer will be chugged.  Either way, we welcome you
with open arms and gleaming blades.
     This public service announcement has been brought to you by Frothingslosh Epic
Contests (tm), the number 86, and the letter 'K'.

The Frothingslosh Syndicate

29 July 2003
           *     *     *     *The Third Annual Turf War*     *     *     *
     Yes, it's time again for alliances to go to war!  TW3 will be held in DM 47
(North Fork) at a date to be  specified later--right after Crip's Incomprehensible
Contest is over...but I'm sure everyone wants to get their teams there soon!  Here
are the rules:

1.  Each alliance must have a leader declare the arrival of his alliance.  The leader
    will be responsible for verifying any and all teams/managers who declare to the
    alliance he/she is leading.
2.  Each manager, team declaring for the contest must have approval of the leader,
    donate one Roll-up Certificate ($5) to the prize pot (send it to me by diplo, by
    snail, or a note to customer service), and declare his/her team by diplo, p-ad or
    snail.
3.  Each team may declare one warrior as champion.  All points scored by a champ are
    double!
4.  Prizes are as follows (mostly...there WILL be some things added as the prize pot
    grows with entry donations--this list is not final!)
    *  Highest scoring alliance -- Rename Arena 47 for a period of 6 months, one half
       of the total prize pot donated; roll-up certs.
    *  The Alliance with the most returns from the DA will get to re-name the DA
       monsters for a period of 6 months.
    *  The alliance with the most warriors listed as style masters will get to pick
       the Alastari city/arena to host the next Grand Tournament.
    *  The warrior with the most front page honors/awards will have the Arenamaster
       named after him for a period of 6 months.
    *  The Alliance with the most front page Honors/Awards will have the honor of
        picking the *slow* arena to host the Fifth Annual Turf War.
    *  The team with the most listings as Style Master will find out the favorites of
       one of their warriors.
    *  The warrior with the most listings as Style Master will fight at my expense
       for five turns (I will transfer to the manager's account).
    *  The Alliance with the most kills will be able to re-name the stand-in warriors
       for a period of 6 months.
    *  The warrior that scores the most total points will fight at my expense for 5
       turns (I will transfer $7.50 to the manager's account).
    *  The team that scores the most total points will receive an extra share of
       roll-up certs from the prize pot.
     There may be more categories to come, and the prize pot still has to be
divided...I'm open to category/prize ideas--and further donations to the prize pot.
     The contest will run for *TEN* turns; prizes will be awarded at the end of the
11th turn.
     Scoring will be as follows:
* 5 points per fight, doubled for each of the following conditions met:
     -- Two Alliance     -- Champion
     -- Challenge        -- Two Champions
     -- Bloodfeud        -- Challenger losing
     -- Kill
     (Note:  DA losses are exempt, but DA wins will be *tripled*!!!  Ex:  Happy
Slasher goes to the DA and dies, no points are lost.  If he wins, his team scores 60
points!  If he was a champ, he scores 120 points!)
     Use the following chart to calculate scores:
Conditions Met:       0     1     2     3     4     5     6     7
Points Per Fight:     5    10    20    40    80   160   320   640
* Awards/Honors and Style Masters will each be awarded points also.  Find the total
number of each (do note add Awards and Style Masters together) and consult the graph
below.  Champs that score an award or style master count as two.
     1 --   5      7 --  320
     2 --  10      8 --  640
     3 --  20      9 -- 1280
     4 --  40     10 -- 2560
     5 --  80     11 -- 5280
     6 -- 100     (x2 for each extra)
Note -- These categories *count as "triple"*--they will be figured for each team,
*AND* again for each alliance *as well as* for each warrior!
*  Each and every mention in the Spy Report is worth 5 points...period.
*  TVs will be scored on the same scale as Awards/Style Masters, but the total points
will be x10.  TC's will be scored as TV's, but x10 more.
Number of TV/TC's          Points Scored (TV/TC)
     1      50/ 500
     2     100/1000
     3     200/2000
     4     400/4000
     +     x2/ x2 (for each extra)
     Each alliance will start with 5000 points, scores for *fights* will be added to
the winner's total *AND* deducted from the losers.
     Come  one and all, defend your turf and the honor of your alliance...or your
own!
                    Asmo Dius, TCB
                    Arenas, DM 47, DM 73

1 August 2003
     Assurnasirbanipal invites you to Talcama to participate in the third BATTLE
ROYAL contest.  It is a Delarquan contest so brutal that even some of Talcama's most
notable managers will refuse to participate.  The rules are simpler than any other
contest:  You may not avoid any other contest team.  There are no silly rules for who
can and can't compete.  Any team in Talcama is eligible to compete.  The scoring is
also quite simple (+1 for a win, +1 for a kill (+1 for the win), -1 for a loss) and
the first team to reach 25 points is the winner.
     Scoring will be live--the results for the turn posted in the newsletter.  The
winner will be able to fight their contest team in Talcama for free for 6 months but
more importantly will win a contest against some of the best managers who play the
game in one of the hardest contests in the game.
     First turn for BATTLE ROYAL 3 is Talcama Turn 465, which is due August 30.

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

UU DOEWANAKNO devastated BLACK RHINO in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge fight.
SORROW lost to KAIDEN in a action packed 1 minute Challenge Title battle.
CAFFIENE ACHIEVER demolished ABOUT YOUR CAR... in a 1 minute uneven Challenge fight.
SPAZ GHOST overpowered STRONGEST #3 in a 3 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
OBSESSED AVENGER devastated W.T. POOH in a 5 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
QUEEN AMAZONIA was devastated by QRAPPY in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge competition.
HAPPY JACK slimly lost to TALOS in a action packed 3 minute Challenge melee.
VAL BEMERIKI vanquished BUBBLES in a action packed 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
ROGAN was overpowered by AVARICIOUS AVON in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
ISAWA TADAKA overpowered BEER GOGGLES in a 2 minute brutal one-sided Challenge fight.
FILI LIU devastated ANDAR in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge conflict.
GWYN AP NUDD demolished ODEN WARFIEND in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge match.
FOREVER MAN was viciously subdued by MEN IN BLACK in a 5 minute Challenge conflict.
ONE A DAY won victory over MOD COD in a 2 minute Challenge bout.
FUNKY ELVIS was devastated by GREASESPOT in a 1 minute uneven Challenge duel.
PREACHER narrowly defeated OURS ROUGE in a crowd pleasing 3 minute Challenge brawl.
FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE was overpowered by SKI MASK in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
NEVERMORE overpowered TORATORATORRES in a 1 minute gory one-sided Challenge bout.
50 SUCKS was handily defeated by EMERALD DRAGONFLY in a 1 minute competition.
DIRT WORM was defeated by HUNGRY HAROLD in a exciting 6 minute duel.
R'SHANN overpowered LUDO in a action packed 4 minute bloody uneven fray.
ROLEX WATCH defeated MASHER in a popular 1 minute match.
SIR CUITOUS defeated HOT HAZEL in a exciting 4 minute gory duel.
HALLIE O'DENE lost to TICKLES in a popular 1 minute fight.
THE RED SPARROW demolished LOOMING BIRD in a action packed 2 minute one-sided melee.
SPAZZ was narrowly defeated by DELICE THE RED in a exciting 2 minute fray.
KYLIE was overcome by PARADISE PARROT in a exciting 4 minute duel.
COM DOT overpowered LIGHTNING in a action packed 1 minute uneven fight.
CRUSADER LORD was overpowered by STARBUCK in a popular 1 minute one-sided match.
BUDDERCUP was overpowered by NINJA FERD in a 2 minute one-sided bout.
CARRIE NATION was beaten by XISS in a 2 minute brutal fray.
MUMMY was devastated by GLORY HOLE in a 1 minute one-sided duel.
KOGITSUNE MARU was devastated by KOOKABURRA in a 1 minute one-sided battle.
MIGHTY MITE bested NO CHASER in a action packed 2 minute bout.
TSUNAMI overpowered LAKE SAILOR in a crowd pleasing 1 minute one-sided match.
LETHE was demolished by GAR & BRILL in a 1 minute one-sided duel.
SULTAN overpowered CROW in a 1 minute one-sided duel.
SIR VILE handily defeated LYTA ALEXANDER in a 1 minute mismatched match.
AVALANCHE viciously subdued NASTY NITTERS in a popular 1 minute brutal match.
LUNA TYCK slimly lost to BABOO in a crowd pleasing 7 minute brutal duel.
TUTANKHAMUN handily defeated LAKE SAILOR in a popular 1 minute bloody mismatched duel.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|LUNGING ATTACK                  22         LUNGING ATTACK    95 -  73 -  1      57  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                 13         WALL OF STEEL     66 -  52 -  0      56  |
|BASHING ATTACK                  10         PARRY-STRIKE      27 -  22 -  0      55  |
|WALL OF STEEL                   10         PARRY-LUNGE       26 -  23 -  0      53  |
|TOTAL PARRY                      7         TOTAL PARRY       52 -  47 -  0      53  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      6         SLASHING ATTACK   24 -  27 -  2      47  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     3         STRIKING ATTACK   52 -  62 -  1      46  |
|AIMED BLOW                       3         PARRY-RIPOSTE      4 -   6 -  0      40  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    2         BASHING ATTACK    45 -  72 -  0      38  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                  2         AIMED BLOW        13 -  24 -  0      35  |

Turn 356 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

PARRY-RIPOSTE      2 -  0     WALL OF STEEL      4 -  6         3  WALL OF STEEL  
PARRY-LUNGE        5 -  1     STRIKING ATTACK    4 -  9         2  LUNGING ATTACK 
TOTAL PARRY        5 -  2     AIMED BLOW         0 -  3         2  STRIKING ATTACK
PARRY-STRIKE       2 -  1                                       2  TOTAL PARRY    
LUNGING ATTACK    11 - 11                                       1  SLASHING ATTACK
SLASHING ATTACK    1 -  1                                       1  PARRY-STRIKE   
BASHING ATTACK     5 -  5     

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
LUNGING ATTACK   KAIDEN 35-3108             71  73  2  291 VIOLENT FEMS (972)
SLASHING ATTACK  EMERALD DRAGONFLY 60-2586  58  58  2  225 MAGICK (955)
PARRY-STRIKE     R'SHANN 20-577             44  34  3  224 OVERLORDS (30)
TOTAL PARRY      SPAZ GHOST 47-4161         38  18  1  206 DRAKE'S COMICS (1112)
STRIKING ATTACK  CAFFIENE ACHIEVER 15-2429  35  37  4  206 DRAKE'S BAR-B-Q (313)
WALL OF STEEL    ROLEX WATCH 32-3732        39  28  0  200 LUST MUPPETS (1099)
BASHING ATTACK   ABOUT YOUR CAR... 78-778   97 132  6  185 BAD NEWS (640)
PARRY-LUNGE      PARADISE PARROT 71-1735    27  25  0  143 EDGE OF EXTINCTION (973)
AIMED BLOW       HALLIE O'DENE 58-6018      38  54  0  134 CIRQUE DU MASQUES (1093)
PARRY-RIPOSTE    XISS 11-1305               23  26  4   81 U.B.O.S.M. (1184)

The overall popularity leader is ABOUT YOUR CAR... 78-778.  The most popular warrior 
this turn was HOT HAZEL 98-608.  The ten other most popular fighters were LUNA TYCK 
33-5761, OBSESSED AVENGER 15-2162, R'SHANN 20-577, PARADISE PARROT 71-1735, HAPPY 
JACK 19-4086, OURS ROUGE 3-6049, DELICE THE RED 56-3401, KYLIE 18-6057, TICKLES 
9-3486, and SPAZZ 33-6207.

The least popular fighter this week was LYTA ALEXANDER 65-5021.  The other ten least 
popular fighters were LETHE 9-4782, KOGITSUNE MARU 1-5298, MUMMY 99-853, 
TORATORATORRES 11-726, FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE 98-809, FUNKY ELVIS 30-2754, FOREVER MAN 
38-4168, ANDAR 11-1038, BLACK RHINO 71-1834, and NASTY NITTERS 63-2383.

Arena (Number)       W  L K  Arena (Number)       W  L K  Arena (Number)       W  L K  
MORDANT(1)           1  2 0  CHIMLEVTAL(31)       1  1 0  ARADI(60)            3  4 0  
NIANIA(2)            1  0 0  ARVAT(32)            1  1 0  AMEN-TEI(63)         1  1 0  
OSKSI(3)             0  1 0  NIYTYOLE ISLAND(33)  1  5 0  KURUKAR(64)          0  1 0  
TRANSEL(6)           1  0 0  MURSKA(35)           1  0 0  DAL SHANG(65)        1  1 0  
BONSUR(7)            2  0 0  CLIFFHOME(38)        1  1 0  KYR'TERR(71)         2  1 0  
ZUKAL(9)             1  1 0  ZENSU(40)            0  1 0  ERINIKA(73)          1  0 0  
KOLACT(10)           4  0 0  KATI-TEI(41)         1  0 0  DAIYLA KIV(74)       1  0 0  
ARUAK CITY(11)       1  3 0  NORTH FORK(47)       1  0 0  JADE MOUNTAIN(75)    2  0 0  
RIZTAB(12)           0  2 0  VITHICAR(49)         1  0 0  LIN TIRIAN(78)       0  1 0  
MALCORN(15)          2  0 0  TRICORUS(51)         1  0 0  DWES EG(82)          1  2 0  
TALCAMA(18)          0  2 0  KHALANI(55)          0  1 0  SHADOW GROVE(97)     0  1 0  
ZUWAYZA(19)          0  1 0  ROCANIS(56)          1  0 0  SYVYN'S HILL(98)     2  2 0  
SEAM(20)             1  0 0  DELARQ TOR(58)       1  1 0  SOUTH RIDGE(99)      0  1 0  
IAYE(30)             0  1 0  

TOP WARRIOR OF EACH ARENA     W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 SORROW 1-2863               28  22  2  195  SWEORDMASTERS (1210)       MORDANT
 FILI LIU 2-4968             18  16  0   60  RESURRECTION (1065)        NIANIA
 OURS ROUGE 3-6049           16  22  1   62  THE REDBAERS (1180)        OSKSI
 STARBUCK 6-5387             23  14  0  124  SCIENCE FICTION (1152)     TRANSEL
 ISAWA TADAKA 7-5093         20   4  0   92  CALL TO THUNDER (1217)     BONSUR
 TICKLES 9-3486              34  52  1  147  MY PETS (554)              ZUKAL
 SIR CUITOUS 10-4514         36  20  0  197  SIR AGLIO (788)            KOLACT
 XISS 11-1305                23  26  4   81  U.B.O.S.M. (1184)          ARUAK CITY
 BUBBLES 12-4981             23  38  1  116  POWERPUFF GIRLS (1145)     RIZTAB
 CAFFIENE ACHIEVER 15-2429   35  37  4  206  DRAKE'S BAR-B-Q (313)      MALCORN
 LUDO 18-708                 51  58  2  187  THUNDR + LITENING (222)    TALCAMA
 HAPPY JACK 19-4086          34  23  2  142  THE MOTHERSHIP (1148)      ZUWAYZA
 R'SHANN 20-577              44  34  3  224  OVERLORDS (30)             SEAM
 FUNKY ELVIS 30-2754         15  12  0   55  TRIP OUT (1216)            IAYE
 TALOS 31-2069               41  17  0  156  THE STORMGUARDS (132)      CHIMLEVTAL
 ROLEX WATCH 32-3732         39  28  0  200  LUST MUPPETS (1099)        ARVAT
 W.T. POOH 33-4430           54  39  0  153  SNOTZI'S II (813)          NIYTYOLE ISLAND
 KAIDEN 35-3108              71  73  2  291  VIOLENT FEMS (972)         MURSKA
 GAR & BRILL 38-4252         17  17  0   73  JUST BECAUSE (1228)        CLIFFHOME
 STRONGEST #3 40-173         44  85  1  189  SOLARAN BERSERK (949)      ZENSU
 GWYN AP NUDD 41-1210        18   2  0   80  CAER SIDHE (1218)          KATI-TEI
 SPAZ GHOST 47-4161          38  18  1  206  DRAKE'S COMICS (1112)      NORTH FORK
 MEN IN BLACK 49-3157        42  89  1   83  RPG'S (697)                VITHICAR
 VAL BEMERIKI 51-5018        34  24  3  135  GENOCIDE (1109)            TRICORUS
 MOD COD 55-2638             37  70  1   38  RHYME TYME (449)           KHALANI
 DELICE THE RED 56-3401      37  42  1  152  BAD APPLES (1091)          ROCANIS
 HALLIE O'DENE 58-6018       38  54  0  134  CIRQUE DU MASQUES (1093)   DELARQ TOR
 EMERALD DRAGONFLY 60-2586   58  58  2  225  MAGICK (955)               ARADI
 AVARICIOUS AVON 63-2388     19  16  0   75  TOMATO ENFORCER (1193)     AMEN-TEI
 CARRIE NATION 64-4054       31  63  0   70  REFORMERS (1095)           KURUKAR
 COM DOT 65-6217             35  20  0  140  TOO GOOD FOR ME (1054)     DAL SHANG
 BLACK RHINO 71-1834         34  23  1  150  EDGE OF EXTINCTION (973)   KYR'TERR
 UU DOEWANAKNO 73-1414       20   5  1  173  DRAKE'S LODGE (1206)       ERINIKA
 BABOO 74-2711               40  89  0   63  WILD AMINALS (635)         DAIYLA KIV
 TSUNAMI 75-2214             17   2  1   90  FORCE OF NATURE (747)      JADE MOUNTAIN
 ABOUT YOUR CAR... 78-778    97 132  6  185  BAD NEWS (640)             LIN TIRIAN
 DIRT WORM 82-2315           52  23  0  196  VERMIN!! (1124)            DWES EG
 ROGAN 97-980                 5  11  4   35  BLIND LUCK (1183)          SHADOW GROVE
 HOT HAZEL 98-608            16  22  4  164  JUNKYARD WARS (1140)       SYVYN'S HILL
 MUMMY 99-853                 7   4  5   16  IKER'S CORPSES (1225)      SOUTH RIDGE