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Date   : 06/02/2004    Duedate: 06/15/2004

HOME GUARD

DM-101    TURN-377

RANK TEAMS                  W    L  K    %  RANK TEAMS                  W    L  K    %
  1 COLLEGE RADI 98/1223  127   68  0 65.1      JOYS OF BOOZE 33/1209                 
    BIG APPLE MENACE 65/836                  14-INDIFFERENCE 7/1250    25   26  1 49.0
  2-BLADES OF ICE 7/162   326  243  6 57.3      INSIGNIFICANCE 74/1266                
    BLADES OF STEEL 17/1068                  15 DRAKE'S BAR-B 15/313  160  173  5 48.0
  3 CARTOUCHE 71/1111     514  408  4 55.7      DRAKE'S PETTING ZOO 33/1075           
  4 4-LETTER ANX 82/1271  247  205  1 54.6   16-HARM NONE 82/1297      42   56  0 42.9
    ORGAN ON THE SANDS 96/1272                  LEGENDS OF EGYPT 82/1295              
    WOMEN LOVE ME FOR MY 82/1274                LAME ALLIANCES 74/1294                
    ORGANS ON THE SAND 97/1273                  THAI INQUISITION 71/1292              
  5 QUBIT 10/1136         748  625  5 54.5      PARKO RAMA 82/1296                    
    JOKA MASHER! 60/833                         ITALIAN LOVERS 45/1288                
    TRIPLE CROWN 15/990                         HARE CONTROL 59/1290                  
    SIR AGLIO 10/788                            ECHL-SOUTH 71/1291                    
    VERMIN! 82/1267                             103RD TROOPERS 17/1285                
    VERMIN!! 82/1124                         17 VIOLENT FEMS 35/972   386  519  9 42.7
    SNOTZI'S II 33/813                          JUST BECAUSE 38/1228                  
    JOKA MASHER 82/917                       18 UNTOUCHABLES 18/1190   13   18  0 41.9
  6 FARSCAPE 10/1277        7    6  0 53.8   19 SONS OF SATAN 21/21     6    9  0 40.0
    GUARDIANS 43/1287                        20 MY PETS 9/554         457  720 11 38.8
    THE MUPPETS 54/1289                         RHYME TYME 55/449                     
    THE BLUES 20/1286                           GIRL SCOUT COOKIES 33/812             
  7 MAGIC MAYHEM 73/1298   17   15  0 53.1   21-MY DRUGS 98/1222       14   23  0 37.8
    SCREEN DREAMS 47/1299                    22 REFORMERS 64/1095     430  725  3 37.2
  8 SEA DOGS 18/426        23   21  0 52.3      CIRQUE DU MASQUES 58/1093             
  9 ROYAL FLUSH 47/146    677  644 10 51.2      BAD APPLES 56/1091                    
    INGRATE WHITE NORTH 60/1006              23 FA CHING 60/1279       16   28  1 36.4
 10 ALL FINESSE 38/1236    52   51  0 50.5      SUPERIOR KILLS 98/1229                
    SUGAR AND SPICE 7/1231                   24-POWERPUFF GI 12/1145   22   46  0 32.4
    BATHTUB ARMADA 7/1196                    25 AMERICAN APPR 3/1268    3    7  0 30.0
 11 YAKUZA 8/1300          11   11  0 50.0   26-GODDESSES 73/1293       3    7  0 30.0
 12 NINJAS 7/1060         191  192  2 49.9   27-KIDS GONE BAD 3/1281    1    0  0  100
    FROM THE FACE 18/1265                    28-THE MC5 24/1283         1    1  0 50.0
    RESURRECTION 2/1065                         THE HEADCUTTERS II 11/1282            
 13 EMETICS 45/1242        47   48  0 49.5      THAT 80'S METAL 40/1284               
    BUMS 'R' US 60/1142                   

    '##/###' Avoid teams by their Team Id     '-'  Team did not fight this turn

                                 THE GUARDIAN'S FORUM
                       Reflections by the Captain of the Guard

     Thanks to the Joka Masher gang who no longer believe is 50 sucks, as we saw 55
sucks more at the mailer.  And speaking of the mailer, I am pleased to report that I
was able to avoid elimination until after round 10, and as such, have garnished a
television set to watch my old movies with.  Of course, I could have gone deeper
except for back to back losses to the Jilesgate clones.  Still, I am not going to
complain, as this is all is much further than my starting sum of wit+will=19 should
have gotten me.  I think I'll just sit here and bask in the glow of Home Guard's
jewel encrusted throne.  Or is that just shiny porcelain?

Steve McQueen
Royal Flush

                             REPORT FROM WITHIN THE TOWER

     Still me, and that's good.  You don't think so?  Imagine sitting through one of 
Olaf's on-and-on monologues.  There aren't many things worse than that, but one of 
'em is listening to the report of the Unknown Golem Spy Reporter, which is your other 
choice today.
     For instance:  "So why do I have this bag over my head?  Because I am The 
Unknown Spymaster and I'm going to give you a spy report!.  Hey everybody, watch out 
for MARY ANN, who flew up 32 points in the rankings after mashing MAN O' WAR like a 
melon.  Keep your eye on this gal.  Ya know, some days it doesn't pay to walk out on 
the sands.  MAN O' WAR was defeated by MARY ANN and drops 24 points.  OBSESSED 
AVENGER got through to the Duelmaster this turn.  No doubt he was more than anxious 
to kick STEVE MCQUEEN's tail out of the throne!  Our battling duelmaster STEVE 
MCQUEEN has managed to hold the title, fending off OBSESSED AVENGER's none too subtle 
advances.  Better luck next time, DRAKE'S BAR-B-Q.  Can you believe they are paying 
me 10 gold to deliver this stuff?"
     No, I don't believe it, and it isn't true.  Golems don't get paid.  That's why 
there are so many of 'em doing spy reports around here.  The Commission is a buncha 
cheapskates.  Not that a golem would have anything to DO with money, but it's the 
principle of the thing.  We might have to form a union!  Then where'll they be, eh?
     The news in, as they say, brief:  Drake's Bar-B-Q was avoided by Royal Flush, 
for all the good it did 'em.  Luna Tyck got the most challenges.  Whoopee.  
Challenges were issued, both up and down, and it doesn't make ME queasy to think 
about it.  Besides, I wasn't thinking about it at all.  Why should I?  That's what 
under-stewards and notepads are for.  They take the notes, I tell you what I think 
you should know, or sometimes just whatever I feel like saying.  Pretty good deal, if 
you ask me.  And no, they don't pay ME ten gold for this, either.  They write me a 
check.  Who wants to cary around a bunch of gold?  Just an invitation to pocket 
pickers.

     So, here's some fights:
     MARY ANN (47-4378) (12-18-0,54) of SCREEN DREAMS fought MAN O' WAR (15-4517) 
(20-7-1,81) of TRIPLE CROWN.  MARY ANN overpowered MAN O' WAR in an exciting 1 minute 
one-sided fight.  Did this excite you?  It didn't do much for me.  But then, I try 
not to bet on horses.  Most perverse beasts you could hope to lose a shirt on.
     SKI MASK (58-5869) (35-58-0,69) of CIRQUE DU MASQUES fought GAR & BRILL (38-
4252) (23-31-0,74) of JUST BECAUSE.  SKI MASK overpowered GAR & BRILL in a 1 minute 
one-sided match.  Ah, gods, the stupid duck.  If somebody wanted to kill this duck, 
you wouldn't hear a word of protest from me.  We could have a barbeque.  There's a 
lot of meat on a six-foot duck....
     MICHAEL J'EH FOX (60-5263) (18-11-2,88) of INGRATE WHITE NORTH fought MEAN 
SPIRIT (101-5) (0-0-0,70) of Local Bums & Louts.  MICHAEL J'EH FOX overpowered MEAN 
SPIRIT in an action packed 1 minute one-sided fight.  We had to change the name of 
the standbys, because the Louts protested at the inclusion of Bums in their number.  
Mean Spirit is a Bum.
     CARRIE NATION (64-4054) (41-73-0,71) of REFORMERS fought QUONSET (10-4990) (25-
18-0,70) of QUBIT.  CARRIE NATION was overpowered by QUONSET in a 1 minute uneven 
competition.  Damn straight!  And it was none other than this liquor-hating wench 
that I personally saw (with my own eyes, even) "cramped under a table at the Bash & 
Glug," as the saying goes.  Leaves her virtue looking a little threadbare, eh?
     PRIZMATYK WAHL (73-4252) (15-6-1,52) of MAGIC MAYHEM fought MARY RETZLAFF (3-
6119) (18-27-1,82) of AMERICAN APPRAISAL.  PRIZMATYK WAHL was beaten by MARY RETZLAFF 
in a 2 minute fray.  There are some strange bits of the alphabet running around here 
these days, and I don't approve of it.  Straighten up, you two!  Get rid of those 
Zees.
     FEAR (82-10416) (17-28-1,72) of 4-LETTER ANXIETY fought KOOKABURRA (33-4151) 
(47-67-2,85) of GIRL SCOUT COOKIES.  FEAR beat KOOKABURRA in an action packed 2 
minute duel.  And that's the way the cookie crumbles.
     KIDNEY (96-972) (12-7-3,86) of ORGAN ON THE SANDS fought THORNE (60-5259) (18-4-
0,58) of FA CHING.  KIDNEY overpowered THORNE in a 2 minute gruesome one-sided bout.  
Some kidneys are even more overpowering than this one.  Nah, not like that.  What a 
bunch of low-minded bums!  Pickled is what I mean.  Not that a kidney isn't a fairly 
awful thing any way at all.
     FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE (98-809) (16-14-4,92) of COLLEGE RADIO fought QUIBBLE (10-
4756) (22-43-0,71) of QUBIT.  FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE won victory over QUIBBLE in a 
popular 1 minute gruesome match.  Ya know, I've found that a battle axe to the head 
is a great way to stop quibblers, myself.  A couple whacks, and you'd be AMAZED at 
how the argument stops.
     DITCH RAT (82-15360) (22-22-3,118) of VERMIN! fought IRON-PLATED IRV (101-10) 
(0-0-0,150) of Local Bums & Louts.  DITCH RAT savagely defeated IRON-PLATED IRV in a 
popular 3 minute gory match.  Irv, now, Irv is a Lout.  But he's intensely alarmed by 
rodents of all sorts.  Too bad the arenamaster wouldn't let him bring his rat terrier 
out on the sands.
     SPUTTER (82-15095) (28-15-1,119) of JOKA MASHER fought YELLOWBEARD (18-2149) 
(27-12-0,137) of SEA DOGS.  SPUTTER overpowered YELLOWBEARD in an action packed 2 
minute bloody uneven fray.  At the conclusion of which fight, the orderlies presented 
Yellowbeard with a towel, and it was NOT because of the blood.  Somebody oughta make 
that Sputter wear a mask.
     TUTANKHAMUN (71-3357) (26-16-0,125) of CARTOUCHE fought MOD COD (55-2638) (50-
77-1,140) of RHYME TYME.  TUTANKHAMUN was overpowered by MOD COD in an exciting 1 
minute uneven fight.  Cold-conked with a cod.  Is there anything more embarrassing 
than that?  Well, yes....
     HALLIE O'DENE (58-6018) (49-63-0,144) of CIRQUE DU MASQUES fought KAIDEN (35-
3108) (82-82-2,150) of VIOLENT FEMS.  HALLIE O'DENE was savagely defeated by KAIDEN 
in a crowd pleasing 2 minute conflict.  And why not?  Did you think they were called 
VIOLENT fems for nothing?  Distinctly unfeminine, though.  I wouldn't want to get 
friendly with Kaiden.  A bloodthirsty wench.  When she asks for a Bloody Mary, she 
isn't using a figure of speech.
     TIME SQUARE (65-4637) (27-10-0,154) of BIG APPLE MENACE fought BRICK (20-389) 
(35-32-0,126) of THE BLUES.  TIME SQUARE savagely defeated BRICK in an exciting 2 
minute brutal bout.  Bricks, cobbles, flagstones, asphalt, nothing is safe from the 
trampling feet of Time Square.  Time, as the saying goes, conquers all.  Usually.
     DIRT WORM (82-2315) (63-32-0,179) of VERMIN!! fought THUNDRA (60-5122) (26-14-
1,133) of FA CHING.  DIRT WORM outwaited THUNDRA in a popular 8 minute brutal brawl.  
The only thing a fight like this is good for is ordering out for pizza.  Hold the 
anchovies and the muschrooms.
     SPAZZ (33-6207) (41-36-0,156) of SNOTZI'S II fought TICKLES (9-3486) (43-63-
1,179) of MY PETS.  SPAZZ was handily defeated by TICKLES in a 1 minute mismatched 
bout.  It was the whisker-tickle that finally turned the tide.  Brought on Spazz's 
clumsiness something fierce.
     DAMION (21-87) (36-26-3,163) of SONS OF SATAN fought BUDDERCUP (60-5967) (33-29-
0,168) of BUMS 'R' US.  DAMION was overpowered by BUDDERCUP in a crowd pleasing 3 
minute one-sided duel.  Note that THIS Bum is not one of ours.  This is somebody 
ELSE'S Bum.  Hmm, now that I'm thinking about it, I don't recall hearing that Satan 
was ever married, so what does that make Damion?
     50 SUCKS (60-4129) (64-35-0,198) of JOKA MASHER! fought HUNGRY HAROLD (101-29) 
(0-0-0,200) of Local Bums & Louts.  50 SUCKS slimly won victory over HUNGRY HAROLD in 
a crowd pleasing 3 minute bout.  Mashed him like a melon, and a good job, too.  
Harold owes me fifty, and I got it out of his pockets while the orderlies were trying 
to revive him.  Doctors don't mess with the standbys, you know.  If the orderlies 
can't fix 'em, we just throw 'em out and get new ones.  Plenty of idiots around who 
think it's exciting.  Little do they know!
     MASHER (60-4553) (44-39-3,196) of JOKA MASHER! fought SHARON SHEW (101-25) (0-0-
0,181) of Local Bums & Louts.  MASHER devastated SHARON SHEW in an exciting 1 minute 
brutal mismatched conflict.  But the thing is, Sharon LIKES brutality.  Watch out she 
doesn't corner you, Masher.

     Ah, and the challenge matches.  I'm always glad to see 'em, because it means 
we're more than half way done.
     SATOSHI KUNO (7-5229) (20-16-0,65) of NINJAS challenged A. CAPONE (18-3228) (14-
15-3,46) of UNTOUCHABLES.  Down 19.  Of course.  We're looking at a pair of 
Delarquans here.  Custom of the country and all that.  SATOSHI KUNO luckily beat A. 
CAPONE in an exciting 3 minute brutal Challenge fight.  Looks like ol' A. wasn't so 
untouchable after all.
     ISHINOMORI (7-5390) (24-7-1,76) of NINJAS challenged HEART (97-1096) (6-13-4,45) 
of ORGANS ON THE SAND.  Down 31.  ISHINOMORI overpowered HEART in a 1 minute uneven 
Challenge match.  The Heart bleeds for Ishi.  And lots of people cheer.  Ishi knows 
what Evil lurks in the Heart!
     NUTCRACKER (38-4380) (18-4-1,54) of ALL FINESSE challenged PUTZ'N ALONG (60-
5437) (31-28-0,54) of JOKA MASHER!  Straight across.  NUTCRACKER was vanquished by 
PUTZ'N ALONG in a 2 minute one-sided Challenge duel.  But the burning question before 
the jury today is, "Did Nutcracker lose with finesse, or just plain lose?"  Cast your 
votes, Sports Fans.
     MORADOR (2-5089) (23-9-1,62) of RESURRECTION challenged CREDIT LINE (82-1366) 
(0-9-0,48) of WOMEN LOVE ME FOR MY.  Down 14.  MORADOR unbelievably bested CREDIT 
LINE in a popular 1 minute uneven Challenge duel.  "Unbelievable"?  Where does the 
announcer get off with this "unbelievable" bit?  EVERYBODY beats the Credit Line.  
With a record like that, you gotta wonder where this idiot came from.  Okay, Dwes Eg, 
but I mean HOW.
     RAISON D'ETRE (7-5311) (19-15-3,94) of BATHTUB ARMADA challenged AERYN SUN (10-
4268) (19-10-0,98) of FARSCAPE.  Up 4.  RAISON D'ETRE was overcome by AERYN SUN in a 
2 minute Challenge melee.  Just a raisin in the sun, eh?  Shriveling up the way they 
do and getting all rocky and disgusting.  Well, I suppose somebody has to do it.
     LUNA TYCK (33-5761) (33-38-1,113) of DRAKE'S PETTING ZOO challenged BEER GOGGLES 
(33-6819) (28-25-1,142) of JOYS OF BOOZE.  Up 29.  LUNA TYCK slimly won victory over 
BEER GOGGLES in a 3 minute Challenge competition.  Here's a thing!  Luna was Most 
Challenged, but it was the Tyck's challenge that determined this fight.  Somebody 
somewhere had a snootful too many before setting up the matches today, if you ask me!
     SCOOTER (54-118) (19-9-1,102) of THE MUPPETS challenged W.T. POOH (33-4430) (63-
50-0,121) of SNOTZI'S II.  Up 19.  SCOOTER viciously subdued W.T. POOH in a crowd 
pleasing 9 minute Challenge fight.  Our longest fight, and I do NOT understand why 
the crowd was pleased.  Some days I really don't understand the crowd mind.  We had 
nine minutes of a puppet show, with singing.  Gods.
     TUM (18-7380) (22-16-2,148) of FROM THE FACE challenged IPECAC (45-3625) (23-12-
0,171) of EMETICS.  Up 22.  TUM subdued IPECAC in a crowd pleasing 1 minute Challenge 
competition.  The question here is, "Are we looking at mint-flavored Tum, or wild 
cherry?"  Inquiring minds want to know.
     BLACKBURST (60-5025) (19-15-0,109) of FA CHING challenged NUTMEG (7-5167) (20-
14-1,117) of SUGAR AND SPICE.  Up 8.  BLACKBURST was devastated by NUTMEG in a 1 
minute one-sided Challenge fight.  Sneezing and so on.  Quite a mess.  Next time, 
Blackburst had better bring a bigger hankie.  The one he had ended up... disgusting.
     JAKUCHU ITO (7-5102) (25-14-0,167) of NINJAS challenged SIR VILE (10-4754) (27-
23-1,183) of SIR AGLIO.  Up 16.  JAKUCHU ITO overpowered SIR VILE in a 1 minute 
mismatched Challenge duel.  We're looking at some serious harem-envy here.  They tell 
me Vile made some comments just before the fight.  Ooooh, bad move, Sir Vile!
     BLACK HOLE SCRAG (43-3220) (29-17-1,191) of GUARDIANS challenged DELICE THE RED 
(56-3401) (48-51-1,201) of BAD APPLES.  Up 10.  BLACK HOLE SCRAG was demolished by 
DELICE THE RED in a 1 minute Challenge melee.  No surprise, a bad apple ATTRACTS a 
doctor, hand and foot.

     And for the title, although the announcer didn't see fit to mention that little 
detail (bribery? favoritism?):  OBSESSED AVENGER (15-2162) (44-45-1,213) of DRAKE'S 
BAR-B-Q challenged STEVE MCQUEEN (47-3908) (33-33-1,249) of ROYAL FLUSH.  Up 36.  
OBSESSED AVENGER was viciously subdued by STEVE MCQUEEN in a 6 minute Challenge 
fight.  I expect a detailed denouncement of Mr. McQueen next time, Avenger.  And 
Stevie, I want you to rebut him.  Let's get a few facts here.
     And that is totally IT for today, not a minute too soon.  Maybe I'll see you 
next time, and maybe it'll be my wimpy brother Olaf.

                                     Ogre Modeen

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD          W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 STEVE MCQUEEN 47-3908       34  33  1  257  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK

GRAND CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS    W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 DELICE THE RED 56-3401      49  51  1  215  BAD APPLES (1091)          ROCANIS

GRAND CHAMPIONS               W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 50 SUCKS 60-4129            65  35  0  207  JOKA MASHER! (833)         ARADI
 MASHER 60-4553              45  39  3  203  JOKA MASHER! (833)         ARADI
 OBSESSED AVENGER 15-2162    44  46  1  198  DRAKE'S BAR-B-Q (313)      MALCORN
-BUBBLES 12-4981             26  54  1  191  POWERPUFF GIRLS (1145)     RIZTAB
 JAKUCHU ITO 7-5102          26  14  0  187  NINJAS (1060)              BONSUR
 TICKLES 9-3486              44  63  1  186  MY PETS (554)              ZUKAL
 BUDDERCUP 60-5967           34  29  0  185  BUMS 'R' US (1142)         ARADI
 BLACK HOLE SCRAG 43-3220    29  18  1  183  GUARDIANS (1287)           VEASTIAN
 DIRT WORM 82-2315           64  32  0  181  VERMIN!! (1124)            DWES EG

GRAND CHALLENGER ADEPTS       W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
-JOE KING 47-2223            29  48  1  173  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK
 TUM 18-7380                 23  16  2  172  FROM THE FACE (1265)       TALCAMA
 SIR VILE 10-4754            27  24  1  168  SIR AGLIO (788)            KOLACT
-APPLE JACK 47-4011          29  21  4  167  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK
-ROT TEN EGGS 47-3099        36  31  0  159  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK
 TIME SQUARE 65-4637         28  10  0  157  BIG APPLE MENACE (836)     DAL SHANG
 KAIDEN 35-3108              83  82  2  156  VIOLENT FEMS (972)         MURSKA
 IPECAC 45-3625              23  13  0  156  EMETICS (1242)             STORMCROWE
 DAMION 21-87                36  27  3  155  SONS OF SATAN (21)         SUNSET
 MOD COD 55-2638             51  77  1  152  RHYME TYME (449)           KHALANI
 SPAZZ 33-6207               41  37  0  152  SNOTZI'S II (813)          NIYTYOLE ISLAND

GRAND ADEPTS                  W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 THUNDRA 60-5122             26  15  1  150  FA CHING (1279)            ARADI
-PERFECT TEN 47-4218         26  20  1  150  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK
 SPUTTER 82-15095            29  15  1  149  JOKA MASHER (917)          DWES EG
 DITCH RAT 82-15360          23  22  3  142  VERMIN! (1267)             DWES EG
 HALLIE O'DENE 58-6018       49  64  0  141  CIRQUE DU MASQUES (1093)   DELARQ TOR
-EMILY 17-5753               27  17  0  139  BLADES OF STEEL (1068)     ALJAFIR
 LUNA TYCK 33-5761           34  38  1  136  DRAKE'S PETTING ZOO (1075) NIYTYOLE ISLAND
 BRICK 20-389                35  33  0  133  THE BLUES (1286)           SEAM
 NUTMEG 7-5167               21  14  1  128  SUGAR AND SPICE (1231)     BONSUR
 SCOOTER 54-118              20   9  1  127  THE MUPPETS (1289)         TROCAR
-AEDON 7-4295                36  17  1  125  BLADES OF ICE (162)        BONSUR
 BEER GOGGLES 33-6819        28  26  1  125  JOYS OF BOOZE (1209)       NIYTYOLE ISLAND
 YELLOWBEARD 18-2149         27  13  0  122  SEA DOGS (426)             TALCAMA
-KONGOL 7-4524               31  18  2  120  BLADES OF ICE (162)        BONSUR
 TUTANKHAMUN 71-3357         26  17  0  119  CARTOUCHE (1111)           KYR'TERR
 W.T. POOH 33-4430           63  51  0  112  SNOTZI'S II (813)          NIYTYOLE ISLAND
 AERYN SUN 10-4268           20  10  0  105  FARSCAPE (1277)            KOLACT
 BLACKBURST 60-5025          19  16  0  103  FA CHING (1279)            ARADI
-HIGH GUN 15-4386            21  23  2  102  TRIPLE CROWN (990)         MALCORN

GRAND CHALLENGER INITIATES    W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
-MINOR THREAT 3-3108         22   8  2  100  KIDS GONE BAD (1281)       OSKSI
 KIDNEY 96-972               13   7  3   97  ORGAN ON THE SANDS (1272)  OLD VALAMANTIS
 FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE 98-809   17  14  4   95  COLLEGE RADIO (1223)       SYVYN'S HILL
 MICHAEL J'EH FOX 60-5263    19  11  2   94  INGRATE WHITE NORTH (1006) ARADI
 RAISON D'ETRE 7-5311        19  16  3   93  BATHTUB ARMADA (1196)      BONSUR

GRAND INITIATES               W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
-SUGARBEET 7-5219            23  19  1   89  SUGAR AND SPICE (1231)     BONSUR
-TAISHO 8-4690               25   9  2   86  YAKUZA (1300)              ARKERS
 MARY RETZLAFF 3-6119        19  27  1   85  AMERICAN APPRAISAL (1268)  OSKSI
 FEAR 82-10416               18  28  1   85  4-LETTER ANXIETY (1271)    DWES EG

GRAND INITIATES               W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 SKI MASK 58-5869            36  58  0   82  CIRQUE DU MASQUES (1093)   DELARQ TOR
 QUONSET 10-4990             26  18  0   81  QUBIT (1136)               KOLACT
-EXILE 7-4618                22  18  1   81  BLADES OF ICE (162)        BONSUR
 ISHINOMORI 7-5390           25   7  1   78  NINJAS (1060)              BONSUR
 KOOKABURRA 33-4151          47  68  2   76  GIRL SCOUT COOKIES (812)   NIYTYOLE ISLAND
 PUTZ'N ALONG 60-5437        32  28  0   72  JOKA MASHER! (833)         ARADI
 QUIBBLE 10-4756             22  44  0   72  QUBIT (1136)               KOLACT
-BECKY 17-5782               11   1  2   72  BLADES OF STEEL (1068)     ALJAFIR
 SATOSHI KUNO 7-5229         21  16  0   67  NINJAS (1060)              BONSUR
 MORADOR 2-5089              24   9  1   64  RESURRECTION (1065)        NIANIA
-SETZER GABBIANI 74-3485     17  18  2   63  THE FINAL FANTASY (1301)   DAIYLA KIV
 CARRIE NATION 64-4054       41  74  0   62  REFORMERS (1095)           KURUKAR
 GAR & BRILL 38-4252         23  32  0   61  JUST BECAUSE (1228)        CLIFFHOME
-BLACK JACK SHELACK 47-4850  16  10  1   59  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK
-GLORY HOLE 98-870            7  18  4   59  SUPERIOR KILLS (1229)      SYVYN'S HILL
 MAN O' WAR 15-4517          20   8  1   57  TRIPLE CROWN (990)         MALCORN
 THORNE 60-5259              18   5  0   57  FA CHING (1279)            ARADI
 PRIZMATYK WAHL 73-4252      15   7  1   56  MAGIC MAYHEM (1298)        ERINIKA
-MEDUSA 6-5779               16   5  0   53  BATTLE BEASTS (1235)       TRANSEL
 CREDIT LINE 82-1366          0  10  0   52  WOMEN LOVE ME FOR MY (1274 DWES EG
 A. CAPONE 18-3228           14  16  3   50  UNTOUCHABLES (1190)        TALCAMA
 HEART 97-1096                6  14  4   48  ORGANS ON THE SAND (1273)  SHADOW GROVE
 NUTCRACKER 38-4380          18   5  1   46  ALL FINESSE (1236)         CLIFFHOME

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD                    W   L  K TEAM NAME              SLAIN BY              TURN

                               PERSONAL CORRESPONDENCE

R'Shann -- The length of the fight seems to have nothing to do with the learn rate.
That's just as idle observation, backed by nothing, that my manager said to pass on
to you.  But bear in mind, that's the same guy who still runs me! -- Dirt Worm

Bubbles -- I'm SOOOO honored you chose me for your last fight.  But why wear anything
at all? -- Masher
P.S.  Best of luck to you in your new career.

Kongol -- Yarr. -- Yellowbeard

Michael J'eh Fox -- I KNEW IT!  A FOX!  A fox in the Duck House!  Kill it! -- Ski
Mask, Paranoid and Founder of Ducks With Swords

Time Square -- Do you ever wish to be round? -- Hallie O'Dene

Fountains of Wayne -- And a very bad grade of beer that is. -- Carrie Nation

Spazz -- I SAID I'd hit you upside the head if you didn't stop twitching. -- Delice
the Red

6 May 2004
                                     DEATH FEST

     The ferocious ghosts of former glories whispered across the wind swept sands of
DM 59; agonizing incessantly due to the diminutive demise of the Delarq arena known
as Illis.
     Tattered banners and forgotten memories wailed in the wind for a dynamic death
march to dawn once more upon the blood stained sands of the Delarq slow arena.
     The distant call crying for  a declaration of restoration amidst the ruin of the
all but forgotten Delarq arena carried to the far corners of Alastari; drawing the
Devious, the Diabolical, the Dangerous and the Down Challenging to cross blades and
wage warfare among an assemblage of new stables managed by the Known and Unknown;
willing to spill fresh blood, while carving their destiny during 15 Rounds of contest
driven combat to be known as the "Illis Incredibly Diabolical Delarq Death Fest".
     A lone cloaked figure huddled by lamplight in a remote outpost near the
crossroads of ElseWhere and ElseWhen; feverishly formulating the foundational
framework for the dawning of the Delarq Death Fest in DM 59, complete with
Gladiatorial Commission sanctioned prizes to promote the growing thirst for a Delarq
Slow Arena Death Festival.

     Delarq Death Fest Opening Round debuts the first turn immediately following the
Summer 2004 F2F Tourney and continues through the completion of 15 consecutive
rounds.
     Death Fest points are Won or Lost ONLY in the DM 59 Delarq Slow Arena [Tourneys
DO NOT Add or Subtract from the Death Fest Point Scoring System]:

Death Fest Scoring Format:
Win =3D +2 pts
Loss =3D -1 pt
Kill =3D +5 pts [in addition to +2 pts for Win]
Death =3D -3 pts [in addition to 1 pt for Loss]
Dark Arena Kill =3D +10 pts [in addition to +2 pts for Win]
Dark Arena Death =3D -5 pts [in addition to 1 pt for Loss]
Revenged Blood Feud =3D +5 pts [successful Revenged Blood Feud provides Death Fest
contestants the opportunity to cancel out 3 pts for Death and 1 pt for Loss; while
gaining +1 pt overall for the Revenged Blood Feud in addition to the +2 pts for Win]

    DEATH FEST PRIZES will be awarded to the Top Ten Death Fest Stables on the basis
of Total Points*** accumulated during the 15 rounds of competition as follows:

1.  Favorite Weapon Knowledge for 1 (one) warrior ranked Initiate or higher on the
Final Round to be revealed by RSI to each of the Top Ten Death Fest Stables
2.  Renaming of Dark Arena Monsters and NPCs [yet to be determined according to how
many DA Monsters and NPCs are available in DM 59 for Renaming]
3.  The Top Five Death Fest Stables will receive New Team Rollup Certificates as
follows:  1st (10), 2nd (8), 3rd (6), 4th (4) and 5th (2)
4.  Renaming Illis Arena for 6 months plus Receiving 6 months Free Play courtesy of
RSI will be awarded to the manager of the 1st Place Death Fest Stable
5.  Discussions are underway regarding a possible Special Award granted to the Illis
Iron Stable qualifiers who compete in 67 of a possible 75 fights during the course of
the 15 consecutive rounds of the Death Fest [Key Factor is How Many (?) stables will
be competing in the Death Fest without drawing away participation by current managers
in the remaining slow arenas!]  Therefore, it is important for all managers entering
stables in DM 59 for the upcoming Death Fest to contact RSI as soon as possible
regarding their participation in this contest so that a Final Ruling on the proposed
Illis Iron Stable Award can be issued by RSI.

***TieBreaker is determined on the Final Round by the DM 59 Newsletter Recognition
Rankings.  The stable with the Highest Ranked Active Gladiator is granted the
decision.  [Example: Warrior A and Warrior B are both listed in the Recognition
Rankings with 87 pts; however, because Warrior A is listed in the Recognition
Rankings ahead of Warrior B, then Warrior A is granted the TieBreaker Decision for
His/Her stable!]

     Opening Round Team Spotlight Bonus [minimum 15 paragraphs!]  Each Delarq Death
Fest competitor who writes a Team Spotlight featuring their Stable (Name) and
Managerial Alias [Gladiatorial Names Optional] in regards to competing in the Delarq
Death Fest will receive 25 pts added to His/Her opening round score.
     Illis Iron Stable Bonus [in addition to the proposed award awaiting RSI
approval!]  Any manager whose stable competes in at least 67 of the possible 75
fights during the 15 rounds of Death Fest receives 25 points added to His/Her final
overall score [this allows each stable the cushion of missing one round of
competition; plus up to 3 additional fights due to waiting for replacement rollups
from Deaths suffered either in Tourneys or during the Death Fest contest in DM 59
over the course of 15 rounds of competition!]

Delarq Death Fest
Hosted by Hammer
[Who Else?]

25 May 2004
                                 TEN TURNS OF HELL:
                        The KLK Capture The Flag Competition

In the spirit of the ongoing effort to make arena play what it used to be (FUN!!), I
am proud to announce the KLK Capture The Flag Competition.  The competition will be
held in Jhans (DM-36, which has, by the way, grown in size equal to Talcama already).
:)  We are announcing this contest early to allow managers time to prep.

Rules:
     -- On turn 462 (due 8/4/04) the lowest ranked warrior on your team is given your
team's 'flag' (he is your initial flag defender).
     -- Starting on turn 463 (due 8/18/04) flags will be defended every turn and turn
463 is the turn scoring will begin.
     -- Fights involving flags are winners-take-all and a warrior can carry as many
flags as he can win.
     -- If a warrior holding a flag either A) goes inactive, B) loses to a stand-by
warrior or C) gets DA'd, he forfeits all flags he has and they are returned the their
original team's lowest ranked warrior.
     -- If you hold your own flag on an inactive warrior you receive NO POINTS that
turn.
     -- If a warrior graduates to AD holding flags starting on the next turn those
flags will be defended by the lowest ranked warrior on the team of the graduating
warrior.
     -- Scoring as follows for each turn:
          2 pts -- possession of your own team flag
          1 pt -- possession any other flag
          1 pt -- for each win
          1 pt -- for each kill
          1 pt -- for each award you receive in the newsletter
     -- You may enter as many teams as you like (per RSI rules) but each team is its
own entry.
     -- Tie-Breaker goes to the team that had the most points from flags.
     -- If still tied the tie-breaker will be the team that had the most points from
kills.  (It's the Delarq way.)
     -- The contest lasts 10 turns and there will be prizes for 1st, 2nd and 3rd
(based on highest point totals)

Prizes: (what you've been waiting on)
1st -- 3 know favorites potions*
       DA warrior named after winning manager
2nd -- 2 know favorites potions*
3rd -- 1 know favorites potion*

* These are full favorite potions (weapon, rhythms and tactics) and can only be used
on warriors with at least 4 FE.

     How's that for paying out? (grin)  Even if you think that it's all about the TC,
these prizes should be enough to draw you in.  (You know who you are.)
     I hope to see friend and foe alike come to Jhans.  Legion, Froths, and all the
others...this is your personal invite.  Can you win?  Can you survive 10 turns of
Hell in Jhans?
     Note:  Special thanks to RSI for helping make this contest possible.  Thanks
guys!

Bookie
KLK Alliance
Director Jhans' Board of Tourism
Warden of the Froth Circle (grin)
D.R.C. 4 Life

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

OBSESSED AVENGER was viciously subdued by STEVE MCQUEEN in a 6 minute Challenge fight.
BLACK HOLE SCRAG was demolished by DELICE THE RED in a 1 minute Challenge melee.
JAKUCHU ITO overpowered SIR VILE in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge duel.
BLACKBURST was devastated by NUTMEG in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge fight.
TUM subdued IPECAC in a crowd pleasing 1 minute Challenge competition.
SCOOTER viciously subdued W.T. POOH in a crowd pleasing 9 minute Challenge fight.
LUNA TYCK slimly won victory over BEER GOGGLES in a 3 minute Challenge competition.
RAISON D'ETRE was overcome by AERYN SUN in a 2 minute Challenge melee.
MORADOR unbelievably bested CREDIT LINE in a popular 1 minute uneven Challenge duel.
NUTCRACKER was vanquished by PUTZ'N ALONG in a 2 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
ISHINOMORI overpowered HEART in a 1 minute uneven Challenge match.
SATOSHI KUNO luckily beat A. CAPONE in a exciting 3 minute brutal Challenge fight.
MASHER devastated SHARON SHEW in a exciting 1 minute brutal mismatched conflict.
50 SUCKS slimly won victory over HUNGRY HAROLD in a crowd pleasing 3 minute bout.
DAMION was overpowered by BUDDERCUP in a crowd pleasing 3 minute one-sided duel.
SPAZZ was handily defeated by TICKLES in a 1 minute mismatched bout.
DIRT WORM outwaited THUNDRA in a popular 8 minute brutal brawl.
TIME SQUARE savagely defeated BRICK in a exciting 2 minute brutal bout.
HALLIE O'DENE was savagely defeated by KAIDEN in a crowd pleasing 2 minute conflict.
TUTANKHAMUN was overpowered by MOD COD in a exciting 1 minute uneven fight.
SPUTTER overpowered YELLOWBEARD in a action packed 2 minute bloody uneven fray.
DITCH RAT savagely defeated IRON-PLATED IRV in a popular 3 minute gory match.
FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE won victory over QUIBBLE in a popular 1 minute gruesome match.
KIDNEY overpowered THORNE in a 2 minute gruesome one-sided bout.
FEAR beat KOOKABURRA in a action packed 2 minute duel.
PRIZMATYK WAHL was beaten by MARY RETZLAFF in a 2 minute fray.
CARRIE NATION was overpowered by QUONSET in a 1 minute uneven competition.
MICHAEL J'EH FOX overpowered MEAN SPIRIT in a action packed 1 minute one-sided fight.
SKI MASK overpowered GAR & BRILL in a 1 minute one-sided match.
MARY ANN overpowered MAN O' WAR in a exciting 1 minute one-sided fight.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|LUNGING ATTACK                  15         PARRY-LUNGE        8 -   5 -  0      62  |
|WALL OF STEEL                    9         SLASHING ATTACK   32 -  23 -  1      58  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   8         LUNGING ATTACK    85 -  64 -  1      57  |
|AIMED BLOW                       7         TOTAL PARRY       28 -  26 -  0      52  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                  6         PARRY-RIPOSTE      1 -   1 -  0      50  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                  4         PARRY-STRIKE      10 -  11 -  0      48  |
|TOTAL PARRY                      4         WALL OF STEEL     45 -  52 -  0      46  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      2         STRIKING ATTACK   45 -  52 -  2      46  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     1         BASHING ATTACK    40 -  47 -  0      46  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    0         AIMED BLOW        19 -  29 -  0      40  |

Turn 377 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

PARRY-LUNGE        2 -  0     WALL OF STEEL      4 -  5         3  STRIKING ATTACK
SLASHING ATTACK    3 -  1     PARRY-STRIKE       0 -  1         2  BASHING ATTACK 
AIMED BLOW         4 -  3     PARRY-RIPOSTE      0 -  0         2  LUNGING ATTACK 
LUNGING ATTACK     8 -  7                                       1  AIMED BLOW     
STRIKING ATTACK    3 -  3                                       1  WALL OF STEEL  
BASHING ATTACK     4 -  4                                       1  PARRY-STRIKE   
TOTAL PARRY        2 -  2                                       1  TOTAL PARRY    

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
AIMED BLOW       STEVE MCQUEEN 47-3908      34  33  1  257 ROYAL FLUSH (146)
STRIKING ATTACK  DELICE THE RED 56-3401     49  51  1  215 BAD APPLES (1091)
WALL OF STEEL    50 SUCKS 60-4129           65  35  0  207 JOKA MASHER! (833)
BASHING ATTACK   MASHER 60-4553             45  39  3  203 JOKA MASHER! (833)
PARRY-STRIKE     OBSESSED AVENGER 15-2162   44  46  1  198 DRAKE'S BAR-B-Q (313)
LUNGING ATTACK   JAKUCHU ITO 7-5102         26  14  0  187 NINJAS (1060)
TOTAL PARRY      DIRT WORM 82-2315          64  32  0  181 VERMIN!! (1124)
PARRY-LUNGE      LUNA TYCK 33-5761          34  38  1  136 DRAKE'S PETTING ZOO (1075)
SLASHING ATTACK  MICHAEL J'EH FOX 60-5263   19  11  2   94 INGRATE WHITE NORTH (1006)

The overall popularity leader is KAIDEN 35-3108.  The most popular warrior this turn 
was SCOOTER 54-118.  The ten other most popular fighters were THUNDRA 60-5122, 
OBSESSED AVENGER 15-2162, STEVE MCQUEEN 47-3908, BUDDERCUP 60-5967, TIME SQUARE 
65-4637, DIRT WORM 82-2315, DITCH RAT 82-15360, A. CAPONE 18-3228, W.T. POOH 33-4430, 
and 50 SUCKS 60-4129.

The least popular fighter this week was GAR & BRILL 38-4252.  The other ten least 
popular fighters were QUIBBLE 10-4756, BLACKBURST 60-5025, SIR VILE 10-4754, BLACK 
HOLE SCRAG 43-3220, MAN O' WAR 15-4517, CARRIE NATION 64-4054, THORNE 60-5259, 
YELLOWBEARD 18-2149, HALLIE O'DENE 58-6018, and SPAZZ 33-6207.

Arena (Number)       W  L K  Arena (Number)       W  L K  Arena (Number)       W  L K  
NIANIA(2)            1  0 0  MURSKA(35)           1  0 0  ARADI(60)            5  3 0  
OSKSI(3)             1  0 0  CLIFFHOME(38)        0  2 0  KURUKAR(64)          0  1 0  
BONSUR(7)            4  1 0  VEASTIAN(43)         0  1 0  DAL SHANG(65)        1  0 0  
ZUKAL(9)             1  0 0  STORMCROWE(45)       0  1 0  KYR'TERR(71)         0  1 0  
KOLACT(10)           2  2 0  NORTH FORK(47)       2  0 0  ERINIKA(73)          0  1 0  
MALCORN(15)          0  2 0  TROCAR(54)           1  0 0  DWES EG(82)          4  1 0  
TALCAMA(18)          1  2 0  KHALANI(55)          1  0 0  OLD VALAMANTIS(96)   1  0 0  
SEAM(20)             0  1 0  ROCANIS(56)          1  0 0  SHADOW GROVE(97)     0  1 0  
SUNSET(21)           0  1 0  DELARQ TOR(58)       1  1 0  SYVYN'S HILL(98)     1  0 0  
NIYTYOLE ISLAND(33)  1  4 0  

TOP WARRIOR OF EACH ARENA     W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 MORADOR 2-5089              24   9  1   64  RESURRECTION (1065)        NIANIA
 MARY RETZLAFF 3-6119        19  27  1   85  AMERICAN APPRAISAL (1268)  OSKSI
 JAKUCHU ITO 7-5102          26  14  0  187  NINJAS (1060)              BONSUR
 TICKLES 9-3486              44  63  1  186  MY PETS (554)              ZUKAL
 SIR VILE 10-4754            27  24  1  168  SIR AGLIO (788)            KOLACT
 OBSESSED AVENGER 15-2162    44  46  1  198  DRAKE'S BAR-B-Q (313)      MALCORN
 TUM 18-7380                 23  16  2  172  FROM THE FACE (1265)       TALCAMA
 BRICK 20-389                35  33  0  133  THE BLUES (1286)           SEAM
 DAMION 21-87                36  27  3  155  SONS OF SATAN (21)         SUNSET
 SPAZZ 33-6207               41  37  0  152  SNOTZI'S II (813)          NIYTYOLE ISLAND
 KAIDEN 35-3108              83  82  2  156  VIOLENT FEMS (972)         MURSKA
 GAR & BRILL 38-4252         23  32  0   61  JUST BECAUSE (1228)        CLIFFHOME
 BLACK HOLE SCRAG 43-3220    29  18  1  183  GUARDIANS (1287)           VEASTIAN
 IPECAC 45-3625              23  13  0  156  EMETICS (1242)             STORMCROWE
 STEVE MCQUEEN 47-3908       34  33  1  257  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK
 SCOOTER 54-118              20   9  1  127  THE MUPPETS (1289)         TROCAR
 MOD COD 55-2638             51  77  1  152  RHYME TYME (449)           KHALANI

TOP WARRIOR OF EACH ARENA     W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 DELICE THE RED 56-3401      49  51  1  215  BAD APPLES (1091)          ROCANIS
 HALLIE O'DENE 58-6018       49  64  0  141  CIRQUE DU MASQUES (1093)   DELARQ TOR
 50 SUCKS 60-4129            65  35  0  207  JOKA MASHER! (833)         ARADI
 CARRIE NATION 64-4054       41  74  0   62  REFORMERS (1095)           KURUKAR
 TIME SQUARE 65-4637         28  10  0  157  BIG APPLE MENACE (836)     DAL SHANG
 TUTANKHAMUN 71-3357         26  17  0  119  CARTOUCHE (1111)           KYR'TERR
 PRIZMATYK WAHL 73-4252      15   7  1   56  MAGIC MAYHEM (1298)        ERINIKA
 DIRT WORM 82-2315           64  32  0  181  VERMIN!! (1124)            DWES EG
 KIDNEY 96-972               13   7  3   97  ORGAN ON THE SANDS (1272)  OLD VALAMANTIS
 HEART 97-1096                6  14  4   48  ORGANS ON THE SAND (1273)  SHADOW GROVE
 FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE 98-809   17  14  4   95  COLLEGE RADIO (1223)       SYVYN'S HILL