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Date   : 04/06/2005    Duedate: 04/19/2005

HOME GUARD

DM-101    TURN-399

RANK TEAMS                  W    L  K    %  RANK TEAMS                  W    L  K    %
  1 GET OUTTA MY 18/1319  153   83  1 64.8      THE FURIOUS FIVE 71/1343              
    ARCANE BEACH DAY 98/1305                 10 SPARF! 20/1069        717  686 10 51.1
  2 TUFT TUGGERS 11/557   272  175  3 60.9      MILITARY MAYHEM 31/133                
    MANIACAL TUFTS 11/1147                      OPEN SESAME 50/824                    
  3 SEEING RED 26/1345     44   32  0 57.9      NOT QUITE 59/1237                     
    MYSTERY MACHINE 65/1326                     ROYAL FLUSH 47/146                    
    RAZOR GRACE 67/1327                         BLOWN AWAY 44/820                     
    FRAG 'EM ALL! 66/574                        HANGOVERS 59/1153                     
  4 BLADES OF ICE 7/162   366  295  7 55.4   11-THE WARLORDS 28/1335   33   32  1 50.8
    BLADES OF STEEL 17/1068                  12 ALL FINESSE 38/1236    85   85  1 50.0
  5 QUBIT 10/1136         927  766 10 54.8      CLEVER LINGO 46/1212                  
    JOKA MASHER! 60/833                         SUGAR AND SPICE 7/1231                
    TRIPLE CROWN 15/990                         MANNEQUIN'S BEST 1/1227               
    KNOT WHOLE 2/1333                           BATHTUB ARMADA 7/1196                 
    SIR AGLIO 10/788                         13 VIOLENT FEMS 35/972   403  546  9 42.5
    SPIRITUAL GIFT 12/791                       JUST BECAUSE 38/1228                  
    SNOTZI'S II 33/813                       14 THE SABBATS 82/1330    56   76  0 42.4
    VERMIN! 82/1267                             UNEARTHLY PIMPS 41/1324               
    VERMIN 72/771                               LORDS OF DARKNESS 15/1318             
  6-THE CONFUSED 3/1313   264  224  3 54.1      HARE CONTROL 59/1290                  
    LITTLE GIRLS LIKE... 36/1304             15 DARKMOON 12/1197       27   38  0 41.5
    RESURRECTION 2/1065                      16 BRETHREN OF  25/1334   25   36  1 41.0
  7 HYBRIDS V 82/1340     296  253  1 53.9      GLORY BOUND TROLLS 2/1314             
    4-LETTER NAMES 82/1341                   17 MY PETS 9/554         492  751 13 39.6
    ATTACK OF THE CLONES 82/1339                GIRL SCOUT COOKIES 33/812             
    GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME 99/1306                  RHYME TYME 55/449                     
    ORGANS ON THE SAND 97/1273               18 REDHORSE 56/1325      143  223  1 39.1
    4-LETTER ANXIETY 82/1271                    MOSSRUNNERS 1/928                     
    WOMEN LOVE ME FOR MY 82/1274             19 REFORMERS 64/1095     464  779  5 37.3
  8 TWISTED SESA 99/1307  108  102  1 51.4      CIRQUE DU MASQUES 58/1093             
  9 PUERCO'S PINA 53/700  110  105  0 51.2      BAD APPLES 56/1091                    
    GERFEL'S FRIENDS 11/516                  20-AVENGERS 31/1321        8   15  0 34.8
    ANDORIAN UNIVERSITY 66/1123                 LORDS OF CHAOS 20/1320                
    SITTIN' ON ACES 63/1302                     AS FAR AS SIAM 40/1323                
    THE GREENHOUSE 30/1219                      MEDIEVAL CHAOS 22/1342                

    '##/###' Avoid teams by their Team Id     '-'  Team did not fight this turn

                                 THE GUARDIAN'S FORUM
                       Reflections by the Captain of the Guard

I have a few comments for my recent opponent, Lone Wolf.  You were a lot more
impressive during our first bout!  All I've gained since then is some con, and con
wasn't even a factor this time.  Now that I've seen what you have for attack, I'm
enjoying a new-found respect for what you did with that halberd the first time (and I
even had my dodge on that time!).  You're an interesting opponent, and I hope we get
the opportunity for a few more bouts.

Ditch Rat, I hope we get a chance to re-match as well.  My manager would like that.

Ned

P.S.  Olaf -- Just kidding....

                             REPORT FROM WITHIN THE TOWER

Hello everyone,

     Olaf can't be with you today, so I'm fillin' in:  Keel Woodhaven.  You probably
haven't heard of me.  I try to avoid getting talked into doing things like this.
     Okay, let's get the real boring stuff outta the way.  Rhyme Tyme got avoided by
Gerfel's Friends.  Em was most challenged.  EVE DREWSHADOW (53-6246) (20-15-0,56) of
PUERCO'S PINATA challenged EM (15-3737) (21-33-0,58) of LORDS OF DARKNESS.  EVE
DREWSHADOW was bested by EM in a popular 1 minute Challenge fight.  Looks like this
Em is a tough broad, tougher than you'd think from her record.
     Not as tough as Ned the Janitor.  Yeah, yeah, former janitor.  But look,
everybody here is a warrior.  Being a janitor makes you different.  You oughtn't
disclaim it, Ned.  NED THE JANITOR (66-2973) (33-29-0,232) of ANDORIAN UNIVERSITY
fought DITCH RAT (82-15360) (32-34-5,211) of VERMIN!.  NED THE JANITOR slimly won
victory over DITCH RAT in a 3 minute Title fight.  Just barely pulled it off, eh?
But if you're hanging onto the title you're doing okay.  And by the way, I'm supposed
to thank you for writing a column.  So thanks.  I see you're an aimer.  Takes all
kinds.  Me, I like to just give a war whoop and start swinging.
     Uh oh, a couple guys died this turn.  RAISON D'ETRE (7-5311) (32-20-3,183) of
BATHTUB ARMADA fought BATTLING BOB (101-26) (0-0-0,200) of STAND-INS.  RAISON D'ETRE
was murdered by BATTLING BOB in a 1 minute mismatched competition.  What can I say?
Getting raised from the dead is unpleasant enough.  Getting raised and realizing you
were killed by a stand-in....  And then there was the other death.  DELICE THE RED
(56-3401) (58-63-2,197) of BAD APPLES fought 2 PHAT (72-5064) (29-11-1,195) of
VERMIN.  DELICE THE RED assassinated 2 PHAT in a popular 1 minute gory uneven duel.
Well, in the first place if you're going to get killed you don't want to get killed
by a hot babe.  She's never going to date you if she can remember what it felt like
to sink that killing blow into your vitals.  And in the second place, it looks to me
like a case of a snot-nosed young hotshot being taught a thing or two by a...well,
not a duffer.  But a more experienced fighter.  (big grin)  It warms my heart.  So
you two guys are pretty much s.o.l. for one reason or another, but I know what that
feels like.  I'll buy you a beer if you want.
     I like long fights.  Home Guard wasn't very obliging in that department today.
Here's the longest one:  STEVE MCQUEEN (47-3908) (38-38-1,248) of ROYAL FLUSH fought
HALLIE O'DENE (58-6018) (57-77-0,183) of CIRQUE DU MASQUES.  STEVE MCQUEEN was
viciously subdued by HALLIE O'DENE in a 6 minute competition.  You notice it doesn't
say either "tiresome" or "action packed" which means there were blows struck but not
a lot of flashy moves.  I saw the last four minutes of this fight and I've got to
agree.  It just looked like work.  And kind of a hot day for it.  Both combatants
made the popularity list, so I guess the spectators appreciated their efforts as much
as I did.  Steve, Hallie, I'd be happy to buy you guys a beer.
     The overall popularity leader is Kaiden.  KAIDEN (35-3108) (95-91-2,181) of
VIOLENT FEMS fought TICKLES (9-3486) (54-74-1,177) of MY PETS.  KAIDEN vanquished
TICKLES in a 1 minute mismatched bout.  I'd be happy to buy both of you ladies a
beer.
     And then there's Moose.  JOHN LONGSHORE (11-4197) (22-28-0,57) of TUFT TUGGERS
fought MOOSE (56-3459) (16-18-0,47) of REDHORSE.  JOHN LONGSHORE overcame MOOSE in a
crowd pleasing 5 minute gory duel.  I heard people saying he got scummed but it
didn't look like it to me.
     Now how did he come up with a name like that?  Oh, I guess it can happen if you
fall asleep sitting in a chair and then you drool.  I've done that.  SLIPPERY NIPPLE
(59-2323) (16-4-1,53) of HANGOVERS fought SKI MASK (58-5869) (42-73-0,79) of CIRQUE
DU MASQUES.   SLIPPERY NIPPLE handily defeated SKI MASK in a 1 minute mismatched
match.  I don't like to see a young snot beating up an old poot, but there you go.
Ski Mask had a rotten potato thrown at him.  You wouldn't think a potato would get as
disgusting as some other rotten things, but they can really stink.
     Is there anything else you wanta know?  Like, when will Olaf be back?  Next
turn.

                                       Heading for the bar, hope to see ya there,
                                       Woodhaven

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD          W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 NED THE JANITOR 66-2973     34  29  0  240  ANDORIAN UNIVERSITY (1123) TARRGIR

GRAND CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS    W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 DELICE THE RED 56-3401      59  63  3  256  BAD APPLES (1091)          ROCANIS
 ARAC IRONFIST 67-1944       28  16  0  245  RAZOR GRACE (1327)         BARIKALA
 MOD COD 55-2638             64  86  3  215  RHYME TYME (449)           KHALANI

GRAND CHAMPIONS               W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 QUIETUS 10-5165             30  12  1  207  QUBIT (1136)               KOLACT
 CADDY JACKKNIFE 11-4288     30  15  0  201  GERFEL'S FRIENDS (516)     ARUAK CITY
 HALLIE O'DENE 58-6018       58  77  0  200  CIRQUE DU MASQUES (1093)   DELARQ TOR
 DITCH RAT 82-15360          32  35  5  199  VERMIN! (1267)             DWES EG
 SPAZZ 33-6207               52  48  0  198  SNOTZI'S II (813)          NIYTYOLE ISLAND
 EXILE 7-4618                32  28  1  198  BLADES OF ICE (162)        BONSUR
 KAIDEN 35-3108              96  91  2  191  VIOLENT FEMS (972)         MURSKA
 STEVE MCQUEEN 47-3908       38  39  1  189  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK
 UZI 44-1701                 30  29  1  189  BLOWN AWAY (820)           KRILL
 NUTMEG 7-5167               30  22  1  188  SUGAR AND SPICE (1231)     BONSUR
 2 PHAT 72-5064              29  12  1  186  VERMIN (771)               DRAGONHEAD
-LONE WOLF 31-162            31  32  1  184  AVENGERS (1321)            CHIMLEVTAL
 ELENA 63-2356               27  10  0  184  SITTIN' ON ACES (1302)     AMEN-TEI
 RYRELEE 59-478              27  14  0  184  HARE CONTROL (1290)        ILLIS
 SIR OCCO 10-5079            31  19  0  181  SIR AGLIO (788)            KOLACT

GRAND CHALLENGER ADEPTS       W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 RAISON D'ETRE 7-5311        32  21  3  177  BATHTUB ARMADA (1196)      BONSUR
 QUONSET 10-4990             40  26  0  176  QUBIT (1136)               KOLACT
 APPLE JACK 47-4011          31  25  4  176  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK
 FEAR 82-10416               26  42  1  174  4-LETTER ANXIETY (1271)    DWES EG
 PERFECT TEN 47-4218         29  23  1  172  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK
 BATTLESTONE 66-2980         32  24  0  171  FRAG 'EM ALL! (574)        TARRGIR
 TICKLES 9-3486              54  75  1  169  MY PETS (554)              ZUKAL
 CREDIT LINE 82-1366          9  23  0  169  WOMEN LOVE ME FOR MY (1274 DWES EG
 TOOFLESS 2-5103             44   9  0  168  GLORY BOUND TROLLS (1314)  NIANIA
 TALON 18-7782               32  12  1  166  GET OUTTA MY WAY (1319)    TALCAMA
-LEFTISTS BLOW 3-6356        24   6  2  156  THE CONFUSED (1313)        OSKSI
 BECKY 17-5782               22  10  3  156  BLADES OF STEEL (1068)     ALJAFIR

GRAND ADEPTS                  W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 JOE KING 47-2223            31  52  1  150  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK
 HEART 97-1096               17  19  4  147  ORGANS ON THE SAND (1273)  SHADOW GROVE
 R IS FOR REPUGNANT 99-1155  17  11  4  146  GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME (1306)  SOUTH RIDGE
-MORADOR 2-5089              38  16  1  145  RESURRECTION (1065)        NIANIA
 KOOKABURRA 33-4151          59  78  2  143  GIRL SCOUT COOKIES (812)   NIYTYOLE ISLAND
-PINK BEAR 36-5883           35  16  1  140  LITTLE GIRLS LIKE... (1304 JHANS
 AEDON 7-4295                42  31  1  139  BLADES OF ICE (162)        BONSUR
 BUCK 1-2291                 41  90  0  139  MOSSRUNNERS (928)          MORDANT
 QUEEN AMAZONIA 12-4796      33  39  1  138  DARKMOON (1197)            RIZTAB
 MAN O' WAR 15-4517          32  18  1  138  TRIPLE CROWN (990)         MALCORN
 RIFT 12-3922                27  17  1  137  SPIRITUAL GIFT (791)       RIZTAB
-MR. POTATO HEAD 20-442      27  21  0  133  LORDS OF CHAOS (1320)      SEAM
 ROT TEN EGGS 47-3099        37  36  0  131  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK
 OSCAR 50-3153               30   8  0  130  OPEN SESAME (824)          SNOWBOUND
 ROWDY YOBBO 20-3429         23  23  1  129  SPARF! (1069)              SEAM
 FEALOST 1-3916              44  58  1  125  MOSSRUNNERS (928)          MORDANT
 KONGOL 7-4524               36  33  2  121  BLADES OF ICE (162)        BONSUR
 MOUNTAIN GOAT 56-3700       26  32  3  117  REDHORSE (1325)            ROCANIS
 RUTHLESS 15-4591            23  14  0  108  TRIPLE CROWN (990)         MALCORN
 FIENDISH GLEE 46-1553       19  12  5  106  CLEVER LINGO (1212)        ARDIVENT

GRAND CHALLENGER INITIATES    W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
-KI 31-165                   28  33  1  100  AVENGERS (1321)            CHIMLEVTAL
 VALLISNERIA 30-3226         20  17  1  100  THE GREENHOUSE (1219)      IAYE

GRAND CHALLENGER INITIATES    W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 BAYLEFYRE 25-4373           14   3  0  100  BRETHREN OF SIN (1334)     LYRATILAN
 HARV 82-20046               13   5  1   96  4-LETTER NAMES (1341)      DWES EG
 SMELLY TOES 82-17409        15   8  0   94  HYBRIDS V (1340)           DWES EG
 PUTZ'N ALONG 60-5437        46  36  0   91  JOKA MASHER! (833)         ARADI

GRAND INITIATES               W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 ING 41-3532                 16  12  1   89  UNEARTHLY PIMPS (1324)     KATI-TEI
 ZLATINA ANGUELOVA 11-4856   24  22  1   87  TUFT TUGGERS (557)         ARUAK CITY
 PROWESS 2-5155              20  20  0   87  KNOT WHOLE (1333)          NIANIA
 AVALYNE WHYTE 11-3270       19  16  1   87  TUFT TUGGERS (557)         ARUAK CITY
 ANIJIA ALARA 11-4675        16  10  0   86  MANIACAL TUFTS (1147)      ARUAK CITY
 EVIL ELMO 99-1222           15  11  4   84  TWISTED SESAME (1307)      SOUTH RIDGE
 GATEWAY 82-15631            13   3  0   82  ATTACK OF THE CLONES (1339 DWES EG
 BLACK EYE 60-6163           28  19  0   79  JOKA MASHER! (833)         ARADI
-SWALLOWTAIL 1-7387          22  11  2   79  MANNEQUIN'S BEST (1227)    MORDANT
 FRED 65-5333                26  11  0   77  MYSTERY MACHINE (1326)     DAL SHANG
 SLIPPERY NIPPLE 59-2323     17   4  1   77  HANGOVERS (1153)           ILLIS
 GENERAL PUBLIC 31-3112      15  14  1   77  MILITARY MAYHEM (133)      CHIMLEVTAL
 PLACES THE LOTION.. 98-909  11  13  5   77  ARCANE BEACH DAY (1305)    SYVYN'S HILL
 SEGALLION SUNDANCE 11-4600  21  20  1   75  TUFT TUGGERS (557)         ARUAK CITY
 BLACK JACK SHELACK 47-4850  19  13  1   74  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK
 QUIFF 10-4779               17   9  0   73  QUBIT (1136)               KOLACT
-SPECTRUM 40-1666            18  15  4   69  AS FAR AS SIAM (1323)      ZENSU
 CROOKED HOOF 56-3493        26  16  0   68  REDHORSE (1325)            ROCANIS
 BROKEN TOE 56-3683          22  40  1   68  REDHORSE (1325)            ROCANIS
 NUTCRACKER 38-4380          22  19  1   68  ALL FINESSE (1236)         CLIFFHOME
-MCALLISTER 71-4192          20   8  0   68  REALMS TUFTS (1344)        KYR'TERR
 EM 15-3737                  22  33  0   66  LORDS OF DARKNESS (1318)   MALCORN
-SYRLANIA 11-6107            17  15  0   66  GERFEL'S FRIENDS (516)     ARUAK CITY
-DESTINY 1-7506              18   7  2   63  SWEORDMASTERS (1210)       MORDANT
 JOHN LONGSHORE 11-4197      23  28  0   62  TUFT TUGGERS (557)         ARUAK CITY
 BRIARTHORN 12-5671          17  13  1   62  DARKMOON (1197)            RIZTAB
 HUMMINGBIRD 56-3475         23  24  0   60  REDHORSE (1325)            ROCANIS
 CIARAN 1-7176               20  14  1   60  MANNEQUIN'S BEST (1227)    MORDANT
 CARRIE NATION 64-4054       50  87  0   59  REFORMERS (1095)           KURUKAR
 SKI MASK 58-5869            42  74  0   59  CIRQUE DU MASQUES (1093)   DELARQ TOR
 ACE BAILEY 47-4948          14  18  0   59  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK
-ALARIC 28-3787              17   8  0   57  THE WARLORDS II (1335)     MORYA
 TYMARIS RAVENSWOOD 53-5637  23  28  0   56  PUERCO'S PINATA (700)      KHALHUMS
 IMMOVEABLE OBJECT 59-2110   21   7  1   56  NOT QUITE (1237)           ILLIS
-BLIND ILLUSION 22-6379      15  11  1   56  MEDIEVAL CHAOS (1342)      SOLVEN
 EVE DREWSHADOW 53-6246      20  16  0   52  PUERCO'S PINATA (700)      KHALHUMS
 GAR & BRILL 38-4252         27  50  0   49  JUST BECAUSE (1228)        CLIFFHOME
 MOOSE 56-3459               16  19  0   48  REDHORSE (1325)            ROCANIS
-PISTON HURRICANE 40-2287    18   5  0   46  AS FAR AS SIAM (1323)      ZENSU
 GAZELLE 56-3701             19  15  0   34  REDHORSE (1325)            ROCANIS
 AGLIBOL 12-5848             15   7  0   33  DARKMOON (1197)            RIZTAB
 MABON 82-10314               0   5  0   14  THE SABBATS (1330)         DWES EG

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD                    W   L  K TEAM NAME              SLAIN BY              TURN
RAISON D'ETRE 7-5311       32  21  3 BATHTUB ARMADA 1196    BATTLING BOB 101-26    399
2 PHAT 72-5064             29  12  1 VERMIN 771             DELICE THE RED 56-3401 399

                               PERSONAL CORRESPONDENCE

Ah, Ned...Captain of the Guard -- We have a long way to go to get up there, but as
you'll be staying, it seems we have time to take you up on your challenge of somebody
coming up there with a gimick.  May we try? -- Anij, for Tuft Tuggers

Puerco -- She's got guts, doesn't she.  An elf to my liking. -- Tankesh
P.S.  Congratulations on holding the top.  Keep rollin'.

Ski Mask -- It wasn't my idea to make that challenge.  In fact, our challenges were
two weeks old. -- John Longshore
P.S.  I love ducks.

     They're best if you puncture the skin all over, dunk 'em in boiling water, and
     let them dry/drain for a day or so before roasting. -- Ed., who also loves duck.

Baylefyre -- That wasn't the challenge I was looking for.... -- Anij

Kookaburra -- I got what I came for.  May I have more, please? -- Avalyne

Gar & Brill -- Just because...what?  You have dain bramage? -- Segallion

Broken Toe -- I figured I had to try this different toy on you and see how it works.
But I didn't want to lose while trying it.  You know.... -- Zlatina

G. Puerco -- So, my whole crew is staying.  Who you got lined up next split other
than Ned? -- Tankesh

Ned the (ex-) Janitor -- I forgot to answer you last time.  No, it wouldn't do any
good to burn me to ashes.  I've tried that.  SHE just resurrects, or half-resurrects,
me. -- Olaf
P.S.  In case you thought I was communicating with you directly, nope.  I'm not here.

Caddy Jackknife -- (wincing)  Maybe I should try fighting with a jackknife, if I can
find one in the armory.  Well done. -- Hallie O'Dene

Ing -- How dare you claim to be "unearthly"!  You're nothing but a barbarian out of
the north woods! -- Carrie Nation
P.S.  And probably a drunkard.

John Longshore -- Ha!  I don't have to worry about some CAPON, you know!  I am a
fully functional Duck! -- Ski Mask, Founder and President, Ducks with Swords

Tickles -- Bah, and also humbug, not that anyone will notice I said so. -- Delice the
Red

Tankesh -- But my echo made such intelligent responses! -- Hallie O'Dene

Bobby Bigfoot -- DUDE!  A sighting!  We just had a Bigfoot sighting!  How are you
doing?  Yeah, I've got puds, that hopefully will turn out NOT to be puds.  That's why
I run them.  It takes work though.  How are things with you? -- Tankesh

Nutcracker -- That's a pretty painful record.  I hope you've learned a lot in that
time.  If that happened to me, Tankesh might not be so willing to front my gladiating
costs. -- Avalyne

Zlatina Anguelova -- You had me breathing heavily in the first minute, and it wasn't
because I'm out of shape.  I love how you look in that armor.  I won't take no for an
answer:  Meet me tonight at the cafe across from the arena. -- Broken Toe

Tymarris Ravenswood -- Wow!  Thanks for showing me all those things!  And in such a
short time! -- Gazelle

Aglibol -- You have to stay on your feet.  Remember that if we meet again. -- Moose

Olaf -- I'm not a mean moose.  My wife says I'm a sweetie.  Kittens like me. -- Moose

Battlestone -- I always had a yen to try that weapon, but it doesn't work with my
style.  How do you like it? -- Mountain Goat

Quonset -- Nice counterattack. -- Fealost

Aedon -- Nobody smuggled me onto the Isle.  And you know what?  (opening raincoat)
Look! -- Buck Naked

Smelly Toes -- Well, so much for my winning record, but with that new rating I may
get it back.  Anyway, nicely struck. -- Hummingbird

Nutcracker -- I saw the Commission evaluator upgrading one of your fitness ratings.
Congratulations. -- Crooked Hoof

Tank-Boy -- Wow, you must have my place confused with that Adantri take-out place on
the west side.  Good stuff, though! -- Generalissimo Puerco
P.S.  Is there anyone you won't invite to run in Aruak?

Bobby Bigfoot -- I guess our paths have finally crossed in-game.  Long time-no see,
etc.  Did you want to talk about puds?  These days a warrior has to be pretty awful
before I'll declare it such.  I once thought of a 15-DF aimer as a pud, but now he
seems to have a lock (or nearly so) on eligibles TVs.  Who'd have guessed? --
Generalissimo Puerco, who does not believe in the jinx

28 March 2005
Is there anybody in the DM game who is incarcerated that has had to litigate in order
to continue playing?  Or anyone in the free world who may be able to help me with
case law or legal advice?  The Administration has already taken "D&D type games" from
us once (though I recently had that decision overturned).  I believe it's only a
matter of time before they try it again and I am prepared to file a lawsuit if need
be.  I enjoy DM and any help that could be offered would be greatly appreciated!  I
can be contacted at:
     Danny Warren
     #28341
     P.O. Box 250
     Draper, UT  84070
     or:
     Heathen, mgr. Misnomers DM 47

28 March 2005
Ladies and gents...get your teams together and join in on the hottest and fiercest
contest ever to grace the arena sands!  Intrigue, personal wars, you name it...we got
it going on!  What is this contest?  It's the Turf War IV in DM 47, North Fork!!
This fantastic contest was begun by my alliance mate Asmo Dius, and I've picked up
some of the slack.  Contest starts on Turn 225 (approx. date June 9th?).  It's an
"alliance-type contest", so grab your folks and bring them in for a bang up time.
Rules will be printed in the DM 47 newsletter at least until the contest starts. --
Baphomet, Host...Company of Brothers Alliance, Illuminati Confederation of Alliances

28 March 2005
Contest Announcement
====================
It's finally here!  ScumFest 2005!  The greatest scum in the land of Alastari are
formally invited to participate in ScumFest 2005, a contest involving the scummiest
scum in all of Alastari!

Who:  All Scum in Alastari
What:  Scum Fest 2005!
Where:  Talahya
When:  May 23rd, Talahya Turns 490-499

Rules

======
The object of winning ScumFest is to have the longest cumulative time (in minutes) at
the end of the 10th round.

Should there be a tie at the end of 10 rounds, tiebreakers are (in order):
- Head to Head Record
- Win/Loss Percentage
- Average Fight Length
(We'll go into overtime if they're still tied)

There are no other rules.  A manager may use any means at his disposal in order to
accomplish his goal.  Collusion, hiring Aimed Blows to take out the leaders, etc.
Anything goes!

To enter the scum fest, please write a personal ad in the DM 100 newsletter,
declaring your intention to join the contest, or send an email to managerr@aol.com

Please include warrior name and ID numbers of the contestants.  You may enter the
competition up until Turn 494.

Prizes will be announced after the competition begins.  The point of the contest is
to prove you have the scummiest scum, and necessarily for a silly prize.

Good luck and Happy Scumming!

-- Manager

6 April 2005
                                SLAUGHTER'S CHALLENGE

     I would like to make a formal announcement to all the managers of Alastari that
the inaugural/memorial challenge put forth by Abarsis, The Slaughter Priest (Richard
Hammes) has been approved by the commission.  The contest will be held in TROCAR,
arena 54, beginning on the turn that starts around June 2nd.  Keep in mind that this
is a slow arena.  Before I go on, I would like to personally thank the commission for
procuring an outstanding top prize for this contest.  This announcement follows my
last and entry into the contest will be a minimum $5 donation, which I will pool and
give to a charity in the San Diego area in Richard Hammes' name and memory.  My
address is at the end.  Once the donation is made, I intend to notify RSI of the
charity and amount we donated as a matter of pride for them and us in this game!  I
will notify everyone in an all arena ad as well.
     The contest is pretty simple.  Any team may enter, there are no restrictions on
fight experience!  There are no challenges, avoids, bloodfeuds, or tourneys allowed
and only one single use of the Dark Arena is allowed after the contest begins.  To
help eliminate any interference, I am going to allow avoids of non-contest teams in
case they are there to manipulate and affect the winner of the contest.  Scoring is
as follows:

1 point for winning
1 point for killing (giving 2 in total, 1 for the win and 1 for the kill)
1 point for at least one of your warriors writing a personal (regardless of number of
     personals beyond one you still only get one point).  Make sure it is written
     from one of your team's warriors and not simply the manager entity or you will
     not get the point.
-1 point for losing
-1 point for being killed (giving -2 in total, -1 for losing and -1 for being killed)

     The contest will last for 12 turns, again beginning roughly June 2nd.  May I
point out that if you use your Dark Arena fight you will get either 2 points, for
winning, or -2, for losing, and ALL fights count in the scoring.  It matters not if
you fight a non-contest warrior or a stand-in; they still count as much as fighting a
contest warrior.  This will be a test of basic strategy with a touch of luck added in
as well.
     If anyone should break the no tourney rule they will lose 5 points for each
warrior entered and those warriors, and any subsequent warriors who replace them in
death, cannot score points!  Break the no DA, challenge, or avoid rules (except
avoids of non-contest teams) and you will be DQ'd as soon as the transgression is
discovered.  To keep the contest playing field as level as possible, we will have no
messing with these rules.  Of course you may DA the one time, just as a
clarification, but the second time gets you DQ'd.  This also counts if it is found
you bring a second team in for the purpose of making challenges.  You can bring a
second team, just don't think they can challenge to give you an advantage.  This
means DQ to your contest team.  A second team may also enter the contest with its own
donation of $5 and adherence to the rules.  Well, enough of that, I'm sure you'd like
to see the prizes so here they are:

1st place - +1 bonus to one warrior on the team, 1 resurrection potion, and 1
     favorite knowledge
2nd place - +1 bonus for one warrior, 1 favorites knowledge
3rd place- +1 bonus for one warrior
Iron Manager - Run 54 of the possible 60 fights and get a +1 bonus potion

     The resurrection potion may be used on any FE warrior, however the favorites and
+1 bonus potions must be used on a warrior with at least 5 FE.  These prizes also
must be used within 2 turns of the ending of the contest.  Even those rookie level
teams can figure out a way to use that resurrection potion if you think night fight
;), after the contest of course, so don't think this is only good for experienced
teams!  Check your rosters and unused RU's and see if you can't find a reason to come
and test your mettle!
     Again, entry fee is a minimum $5 donation, money order preferred method but if
that doesn't work for you we can figure alternate means.  If a hopeful entrant
happens to be incarcerated and the only real means of making the donation is an
account transfer, please make sure you let me know where the transfer came from and
which team it is for.  I prefer that this only be used as donation method by
incarcerated players unless otherwise discussed with me.  Please drop me an email, or
diplo my team in Tobir(14), letting me know you are sending a donation for entry and
the amount so I can be on the lookout for it in the mail.  Thanks to all who have
sent their sympathies regarding our game's loss of a kind and admirable soul and my
best wishes to all!

Street Legal
Jeff Bura
193 Pepperidge Dr.
Wixom, MI 48393
triumph1971@hotmail.com
THE DEATH SQUAD (63) in Tobir, arena 14

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

CADDY JACKKNIFE was viciously subdued by ARAC IRONFIST in a 5 minute Challenge fight.
QUEEN AMAZONIA demolished MOUNTAIN GOAT in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge melee.
ACE BAILEY was overpowered by ING in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge duel.
EVE DREWSHADOW was bested by EM in a popular 1 minute Challenge fight.
AGLIBOL demolished MABON in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge competition.
NED THE JANITOR slimly won victory over DITCH RAT in a 3 minute Title fight.
STEVE MCQUEEN was viciously subdued by HALLIE O'DENE in a 6 minute competition.
ELENA was vanquished by MOD COD in a action packed 1 minute uneven duel.
DELICE THE RED assassinated 2 PHAT in a popular 1 minute gory uneven duel.
QUIETUS overpowered UZI in a popular 1 minute brutal one-sided melee.
RAISON D'ETRE was murdered by BATTLING BOB in a 1 minute mismatched competition.
TALON was devastated by EXILE in a crowd pleasing 1 minute one-sided battle.
TOOFLESS was savagely defeated by SPAZZ in a crowd pleasing 3 minute gory conflict.
KAIDEN vanquished TICKLES in a 1 minute mismatched bout.
CREDIT LINE was vanquished by NUTMEG in a 1 minute one-sided fray.
BATTLESTONE was bested by RYRELEE in a 2 minute brawl.
ROT TEN EGGS was bested by KOOKABURRA in a exciting 1 minute fight.
APPLE JACK demolished AEDON in a exciting 2 minute gory one-sided bout.
PERFECT TEN overcame MAN O' WAR in a crowd pleasing 3 minute gory competition.
BECKY was defeated by FEAR in a 2 minute duel.
QUONSET subdued KONGOL in a 2 minute bout.
SIR OCCO handily defeated BUCK in a crowd pleasing 1 minute uneven duel.
FEALOST was defeated by OSCAR in a 2 minute match.
RIFT overpowered VALLISNERIA in a exciting 1 minute uneven fight.
RUTHLESS was overpowered by HEART in a 1 minute one-sided duel.
ROWDY YOBBO was defeated by R IS FOR REPUGNANT in a 2 minute match.
JOE KING vanquished FIENDISH GLEE in a 1 minute uneven bout.
BLACK EYE was handily defeated by BAYLEFYRE in a exciting 3 minute uneven bout.
GATEWAY handily defeated TYMARIS RAVENSWOOD in a popular 1 minute one-sided duel.
SMELLY TOES overpowered BRIARTHORN in a 1 minute uneven duel.
HARV overpowered QUIFF in a 1 minute one-sided match.
PLACES THE LOTION... was defeated by PROWESS in a exciting 1 minute fight.
GAR & BRILL was beaten by BLACK JACK SHELACK in a action packed 3 minute bout.
EVIL ELMO subdued CROOKED HOOF in a action packed 1 minute contest.
GENERAL PUBLIC defeated CIARAN in a exciting 2 minute brutal struggle.
NUTCRACKER devastated GAZELLE in a 1 minute uneven bout.
FRED narrowly defeated HUMMINGBIRD in a 2 minute match.
CARRIE NATION was demolished by AVALYNE WHYTE in a 1 minute one-sided conflict.
PUTZ'N ALONG narrowly defeated SEGALLION SUNDANCER in a action packed 4 minute bout.
SLIPPERY NIPPLE handily defeated SKI MASK in a 1 minute mismatched match.
IMMOVEABLE OBJECT was vanquished by ANIJIA ALARA in a 2 minute one-sided match.
ZLATINA ANGUELOVA won victory over BROKEN TOE in a 2 minute brutal struggle.
JOHN LONGSHORE overcame MOOSE in a crowd pleasing 5 minute gory duel.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|LUNGING ATTACK                  22         AIMED BLOW        60 -  48 -  0      56  |
|AIMED BLOW                      18         LUNGING ATTACK    94 -  83 -  4      53  |
|WALL OF STEEL                   12         WALL OF STEEL     46 -  43 -  0      52  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                  8         SLASHING ATTACK   34 -  33 -  0      51  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   8         PARRY-STRIKE       1 -   1 -  0      50  |
|TOTAL PARRY                      7         BASHING ATTACK    38 -  38 -  2      50  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                  7         TOTAL PARRY       27 -  32 -  0      46  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    1         PARRY-LUNGE        5 -   6 -  0      45  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      1         PARRY-RIPOSTE      3 -   5 -  0      38  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     1         STRIKING ATTACK   25 -  49 -  1      34  |

Turn 399 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

PARRY-RIPOSTE      1 -  0     LUNGING ATTACK    10 - 12         4  LUNGING ATTACK 
SLASHING ATTACK    5 -  3     TOTAL PARRY        3 -  4         2  AIMED BLOW     
AIMED BLOW        11 -  7     STRIKING ATTACK    2 -  5         2  BASHING ATTACK 
BASHING ATTACK     4 -  4     PARRY-LUNGE        0 -  1         1  STRIKING ATTACK
WALL OF STEEL      6 -  6     PARRY-STRIKE       0 -  1         1  SLASHING ATTACK
                                                                1  WALL OF STEEL  

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
AIMED BLOW       NED THE JANITOR 66-2973    34  29  0  240 ANDORIAN UNIVERSITY (1123)
STRIKING ATTACK  DELICE THE RED 56-3401     59  63  3  256 BAD APPLES (1091)
SLASHING ATTACK  ARAC IRONFIST 67-1944      28  16  0  245 RAZOR GRACE (1327)
LUNGING ATTACK   MOD COD 55-2638            64  86  3  215 RHYME TYME (449)

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
WALL OF STEEL    CADDY JACKKNIFE 11-4288    30  15  0  201 GERFEL'S FRIENDS (516)
BASHING ATTACK   DITCH RAT 82-15360         32  35  5  199 VERMIN! (1267)
TOTAL PARRY      TOOFLESS 2-5103            44   9  0  168 GLORY BOUND TROLLS (1314)
PARRY-STRIKE     ROT TEN EGGS 47-3099       37  36  0  131 ROYAL FLUSH (146)
PARRY-LUNGE      SEGALLION SUNDANC 11-4600  21  20  1   75 TUFT TUGGERS (557)
PARRY-RIPOSTE    JOHN LONGSHORE 11-4197     23  28  0   62 TUFT TUGGERS (557)

The overall popularity leader is KAIDEN 35-3108.  The most popular warrior this turn 
was MOOSE 56-3459.  The ten other most popular fighters were ARAC IRONFIST 67-1944, 
SPAZZ 33-6207, HALLIE O'DENE 58-6018, CADDY JACKKNIFE 11-4288, MAN O' WAR 15-4517, 
STEVE MCQUEEN 47-3908, SEGALLION SUNDANCER 11-4600, NED THE JANITOR 66-2973, DITCH 
RAT 82-15360, and BLACK EYE 60-6163.

The least popular fighter this week was SKI MASK 58-5869.  The other ten least 
popular fighters were GAZELLE 56-3701, QUIFF 10-4779, BRIARTHORN 12-5671, FIENDISH 
GLEE 46-1553, RUTHLESS 15-4591, CREDIT LINE 82-1366, TICKLES 9-3486, MABON 82-10314, 
ACE BAILEY 47-4948, and MOUNTAIN GOAT 56-3700.

Arena (Number)       W  L K  Arena (Number)       W  L K  Arena (Number)       W  L K  
MORDANT(1)           0  3 0  CHIMLEVTAL(31)       1  0 0  ILLIS(59)            2  1 0  
NIANIA(2)            1  1 0  NIYTYOLE ISLAND(33)  2  0 0  ARADI(60)            1  1 0  
BONSUR(7)            2  3 0  MURSKA(35)           1  0 0  AMEN-TEI(63)         0  1 0  
ZUKAL(9)             0  1 0  CLIFFHOME(38)        1  1 0  KURUKAR(64)          0  1 0  
KOLACT(10)           3  1 0  KATI-TEI(41)         1  0 0  DAL SHANG(65)        1  0 0  
ARUAK CITY(11)       4  2 0  KRILL(44)            0  1 0  TARRGIR(66)          1  1 0  
RIZTAB(12)           3  1 0  ARDIVENT(46)         0  1 0  BARIKALA(67)         1  0 0  
MALCORN(15)          1  2 0  NORTH FORK(47)       4  3 0  DRAGONHEAD(72)       0  1 0  
ALJAFIR(17)          0  1 0  SNOWBOUND(50)        1  0 0  DWES EG(82)          4  3 0  
TALCAMA(18)          0  1 0  KHALHUMS(53)         0  2 0  SHADOW GROVE(97)     1  0 0  
SEAM(20)             0  1 0  KHALANI(55)          1  0 0  SYVYN'S HILL(98)     0  1 0  
LYRATILAN(25)        1  0 0  ROCANIS(56)          1  6 1  SOUTH RIDGE(99)      2  0 0  
IAYE(30)             0  1 0  DELARQ TOR(58)       1  1 0  

TOP WARRIOR OF EACH ARENA     W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 BUCK 1-2291                 41  90  0  139  MOSSRUNNERS (928)          MORDANT
 TOOFLESS 2-5103             44   9  0  168  GLORY BOUND TROLLS (1314)  NIANIA
 EXILE 7-4618                32  28  1  198  BLADES OF ICE (162)        BONSUR
 TICKLES 9-3486              54  75  1  169  MY PETS (554)              ZUKAL
 QUIETUS 10-5165             30  12  1  207  QUBIT (1136)               KOLACT
 CADDY JACKKNIFE 11-4288     30  15  0  201  GERFEL'S FRIENDS (516)     ARUAK CITY
 QUEEN AMAZONIA 12-4796      33  39  1  138  DARKMOON (1197)            RIZTAB
 MAN O' WAR 15-4517          32  18  1  138  TRIPLE CROWN (990)         MALCORN
 BECKY 17-5782               22  10  3  156  BLADES OF STEEL (1068)     ALJAFIR
 TALON 18-7782               32  12  1  166  GET OUTTA MY WAY (1319)    TALCAMA
 ROWDY YOBBO 20-3429         23  23  1  129  SPARF! (1069)              SEAM
 BAYLEFYRE 25-4373           14   3  0  100  BRETHREN OF SIN (1334)     LYRATILAN
 VALLISNERIA 30-3226         20  17  1  100  THE GREENHOUSE (1219)      IAYE
 GENERAL PUBLIC 31-3112      15  14  1   77  MILITARY MAYHEM (133)      CHIMLEVTAL
 SPAZZ 33-6207               52  48  0  198  SNOTZI'S II (813)          NIYTYOLE ISLAND
 KAIDEN 35-3108              96  91  2  191  VIOLENT FEMS (972)         MURSKA
 NUTCRACKER 38-4380          22  19  1   68  ALL FINESSE (1236)         CLIFFHOME
 ING 41-3532                 16  12  1   89  UNEARTHLY PIMPS (1324)     KATI-TEI
 UZI 44-1701                 30  29  1  189  BLOWN AWAY (820)           KRILL
 FIENDISH GLEE 46-1553       19  12  5  106  CLEVER LINGO (1212)        ARDIVENT
 STEVE MCQUEEN 47-3908       38  39  1  189  ROYAL FLUSH (146)          NORTH FORK
 OSCAR 50-3153               30   8  0  130  OPEN SESAME (824)          SNOWBOUND
 TYMARIS RAVENSWOOD 53-5637  23  28  0   56  PUERCO'S PINATA (700)      KHALHUMS
 MOD COD 55-2638             64  86  3  215  RHYME TYME (449)           KHALANI
 DELICE THE RED 56-3401      59  63  3  256  BAD APPLES (1091)          ROCANIS
 HALLIE O'DENE 58-6018       58  77  0  200  CIRQUE DU MASQUES (1093)   DELARQ TOR
 RYRELEE 59-478              27  14  0  184  HARE CONTROL (1290)        ILLIS
 PUTZ'N ALONG 60-5437        46  36  0   91  JOKA MASHER! (833)         ARADI
 ELENA 63-2356               27  10  0  184  SITTIN' ON ACES (1302)     AMEN-TEI

TOP WARRIOR OF EACH ARENA     W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 CARRIE NATION 64-4054       50  87  0   59  REFORMERS (1095)           KURUKAR
 FRED 65-5333                26  11  0   77  MYSTERY MACHINE (1326)     DAL SHANG
 NED THE JANITOR 66-2973     34  29  0  240  ANDORIAN UNIVERSITY (1123) TARRGIR
 ARAC IRONFIST 67-1944       28  16  0  245  RAZOR GRACE (1327)         BARIKALA
 2 PHAT 72-5064              29  12  1  186  VERMIN (771)               DRAGONHEAD
 DITCH RAT 82-15360          32  35  5  199  VERMIN! (1267)             DWES EG
 HEART 97-1096               17  19  4  147  ORGANS ON THE SAND (1273)  SHADOW GROVE
 PLACES THE LOTION.. 98-909  11  13  5   77  ARCANE BEACH DAY (1305)    SYVYN'S HILL
 R IS FOR REPUGNANT 99-1155  17  11  4  146  GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME (1306)  SOUTH RIDGE

                    HOLD THE DATES!  (FACE-TO-FACE XXXV AND XXXVI)

Summer Face-to-Face Tournament XXXV in St. Louis!  
Our next summer FTF will be held in downtown St. Louis, July 29-31, 2005.  It will be 
at the Radisson Hotel & Suites, St. Louis (800-925-1395--ask for the Reality 
Simulations room block). Room rates are $99.00 per night, 1-4 occupancy.  The rooms 
are blocked--please make your reservation by mid-June before the block is released! 
Look for transportation info in the tournament information sheet.  See you there!

Winter Face-to-Face Tournament XXXVI in Tempe!
Our next winter FTF will be held in Tempe, Arizona, January 20-22, 2006.  It will be 
held at the Embassy Suites Hotel in Tempe, Arizona (480-894-7444), the same hotel as 
last year by popular request.  Room rates are $139.00 per night (same as last year!), 
1-4 occupancy, which includes full cooked breakfast, complimentary manager's 
reception, free airport shuttle, free parking, high speed internet (for extra charge), 
fitness center, jacuzzi, and pool.  The rooms are blocked--please make your 
reservation soon before the block is released!  (This is prime season for Phoenix, and
several people were unable to book rooms last year because they waited too long.)  
Look for transportation info in the tournament information sheet.  We hope you're all 
looking forward to it and that we will see you there!