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Date   : 02/04/2009    Duedate: 02/17/2009

HOME GUARD

DM-101    TURN-499

RANK TEAMS                  W    L  K    %  RANK TEAMS                  W    L  K    %
  1 WHY SELL THI 96/1390  628  485  4 56.4      SEA DOGS 1/1442                       
    DEAD PRESIDENTS, YO 99/1412                 DUNGEON CELL 66 82/1441               
    BLOODY RANDOMNESS 96/1405                   DUNGEON CELL 24 82/1456               
  2 SPARF! 20/1069        971  855 15 53.2      DUNGEON CELL 21 82/1455               
    CHAPEL ROCK 59/1352                         DUNGEON CELL 508C 99/1457             
    PARTY ANIMALS 5/591                       5 D-DAY SQUAD 34/1449    69   67  1 50.7
    OTTO'S PARTS 52/892                         ALL-STAR NANA'S 67/1451               
    MEAT YOUR MAKER 72/1439                     ALL THE MUN'S MEN 37/355              
  3 COLLUSION 97/1426     340  312  4 52.1      OTAGO HIGHLANDERS 14/1444             
  4 SEA DOGS 18/426        57   55  0 50.9      KIWI CONNECTION 73/1453               
    SEA DOGS 51/1440                          6 JUST BECAUSE 38/1228  459  618  9 42.6
    SEA DOGS 36/1450                          7 CHILDREN OF  35/1415  638 1055  7 37.7
    SEA DOGS 21/1446                      

    '##/###' Avoid teams by their Team Id     '-'  Team did not fight this turn

                             REPORT FROM WITHIN THE TOWER

Ah, the golem!  The old ghost-written spy report.  What a great idea it sounded like,
back when it was a NEW idea.

     "Greetings, warriors of HOME GUARD!  Once again I've been called out of
retirement for my abilities and insights into Spy reporting."  Retirement?  What's
that?  These days, a guy can't even afford to be dead without working!  "What's with
PRISONER 0103?  He actually beat KIWI CONNECTION's KARATIA, and walked away with 49
more points from the fight."  Hey, it happens when a manager starts to pay attention.
And I would guess that this was the largest point gain, which would by why it was
mentioned.  "Laughs were big at DUNGEON CELL 21 while they watched PRISONER 0103
clobber KARATIA.  She lost 40 points and got bruised from objects thrown from the
stands."  I dunno about the "bruised by objects" bit.  Do you think there were enough
people in the stands for it to matter?  That they were putting rocks in the center of
their snowballs?  "I'm sure HOME GUARD is excited about GOLDENBEARD, the new
Duelmaster from SEA DOGS.  (remember?)  But when you've seen as many as I have..."
Now this is true.  But at least Goldenbeard is a new face.  Well, a new beard,
anyway.  "Advice to fighters with a 1 will--give up fighting!"  Ever see such an
animal?
     "Speaking of cowardly avoiders and unfair challenges..."  We were?  "HOME GUARD
thinks DUNGEON CELL 66 and their 2-5-0 is too much!"  Home Guard thinks?  Notices?
"If at first you don't succeed, give up..."  Talk about a winning strategy!  "The
bums at MEAT YOUR MAKER couldn't face the challenges from DUNGEON CELL 66! No excuse
for that!"  Were the Prisoners from the Dungeon Cell issuing challenges?  I suppose
it doesn't matter, what was being defended against--and do NOT let anyone tell you
that avoiding a team is cowardly, sometimes it's plain good sense--was the
possibility that they MIGHT issue a challenge.  "Keep challenging up 33 points,
LONDON QUIREBOY, and I won't have to write about you much longer."  Because you'll
get booted up the ladder to Talahya.  "TAVIS CADFALSON always accepts those kind of
challenges..."  Meaning he doesn't avoid.  "LONDON QUIREBOY did pretty good last week
in beating TAVIS CADFALSON to get 11 points.  Why did TAVIS CADFALSON lose, you ask?
Simple:  he wasn't good enough."  This is probably true.
     "A fighter's lot is filled with strife, revenge, and killing."  Unless he's a
pro, of course.  A true pro looks on it as a job and does not involve himself or
herself with the whole revenge bit, avoiding also strife outside the arena and if
possible killing.  "Some fighters don't accept this.  The best do."  In what world?
"Here's some advice:  study your opponent, master many skills, fight dirty."  And
good advice it is.
     "Who knows what the future holds for a warrior.  More fights, there's no doubt."
Unfortunately.  "Are you as tired of reading this as I am of writing it?"  Not
possible.  "Actually, I guess I'm writing it before you read it."  Assuming you read
it at all.

Sixteen fights involving three standbys.  Four challenges, none of them TV.

     PORKY PIG (72-5953) (16-7-2,55) of MEAT YOUR MAKER challenged ABBOTT (14-4131)
(19-9-2,54) of OTAGO HIGHLANDERS.  Down 1.  PORKY PIG demolished ABBOTT in a 1 minute
mismatched Challenge competition.
     SANDMAN (97-2610) (22-10-4,124) of COLLUSION challenged U.S.S. ARIZONA (34-2643)
(27-20-1,138) of D-DAY SQUAD.  Up 14.  SANDMAN vanquished U.S.S. ARIZONA in a popular
1 minute mismatched Challenge brawl.
     SNOTMAN (97-2611) (22-10-6,160) of COLLUSION challenged BALLAST (1-7727) (32-42-
0,177) of SEA DOGS.  Up 17.  SNOTMAN vanquished BALLAST in an exciting 2 minute gory
uneven Challenge battle.
     LONDON QUIREBOY (59-2513) (27-12-1,191) of CHAPEL ROCK challenged TAVIS
CADFALSON (35-1419) (43-101-3,224) of CHILDREN OF LLYR.  Up 33.  LONDON QUIREBOY
slimly won victory over TAVIS CADFALSON in a 2 minute Challenge fight.

And for the title:
     HEAD CHEESE (96-1920) (46-19-3,279) of WHY SELL THIS? fought GOLDENBEARD (21-
6202) (31-7-1,225) of SEA DOGS.  HEAD CHEESE was viciously subdued by GOLDENBEARD in
a 2 minute Title fight.  Congratulations to Goldenbeard.

                                        Olaf Modeen

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD          W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 GOLDENBEARD 21-6202         32   7  1  247  SEA DOGS (1446)            SUNSET

GRAND CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS    W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 BATMUN 37-2634              38  17  0  211  ALL THE MUN'S MEN (355)    SIBIKHAS

GRAND CHAMPIONS               W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 LONDON QUIREBOY 59-2513     28  12  1  202  CHAPEL ROCK (1352)         ILLIS
 HEAD CHEESE 96-1920         46  20  3  201  WHY SELL THIS? (1390)      OLD VALAMANTIS
-HORTATOR 1-7791             31  34  3  198  SEA DOGS (1442)            MORDANT
 TAVIS CADFALSON 35-1419     43 102  3  197  CHILDREN OF LLYR (1415)    MURSKA
 JAMES MADISON 99-1268       28  17  3  194  DEAD PRESIDENTS, YO (1412) SOUTH RIDGE
 SNOTMAN 97-2611             23  10  6  182  COLLUSION (1426)           SHADOW GROVE

GRAND CHALLENGER ADEPTS       W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 MAKESHIFT ANCHOR 1-7724     35  42  0  164  SEA DOGS (1442)            MORDANT
 BLOODY BRAINLESS 96-2206    28  27  4  163  BLOODY RANDOMNESS (1405)   OLD VALAMANTIS
 BALLAST 1-7727              32  43  0  161  SEA DOGS (1442)            MORDANT
 CADAL 35-1370               52 103  4  152  CHILDREN OF LLYR (1415)    MURSKA
 MATH OP OWAIN 35-1418       51  94  1  151  CHILDREN OF LLYR (1415)    MURSKA

GRAND ADEPTS                  W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 KISSYFUR 67-2187            29  18  1  148  ALL-STAR NANA'S (1451)     BARIKALA
 SANDMAN 97-2610             23  10  4  146  COLLUSION (1426)           SHADOW GROVE
 GAR & BRILL 38-4252         70 107  0  141  JUST BECAUSE (1228)        CLIFFHOME
 MISS TEAK 1-8015            31  28  1  140  SEA DOGS (1442)            MORDANT
 PRISONER 0118 82--31788     23  56  0  127  DUNGEON CELL 24 (1456)     DWES EG
 U.S.S. ARIZONA 34-2643      27  21  1  124  D-DAY SQUAD (1449)         MONUNTIAL
-CATFISH HUNTER 5-3315       19  18  1  122  PARTY ANIMALS (591)        KALTOS
-SHEWISH WHALER 18-9272      29  15  1  121  SEA DOGS (426)             TALCAMA

GRAND INITIATES               W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
-ROWDY YOBBO 20-3429         24  30  1  113  SPARF! (1069)              SEAM

GRAND INITIATES               W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 PATCH 36-7297               22  14  0   88  SEA DOGS (1450)            JHANS
 PRISONER 0103 82--31803     30  61  0   84  DUNGEON CELL 21 (1455)     DWES EG
 OWAIN HARLSON 35-3130       33  52  1   81  CHILDREN OF LLYR (1415)    MURSKA
 PORKY PIG 72-5953           17   7  2   70  MEAT YOUR MAKER (1439)     DRAGONHEAD
 BILGE RAT 51-5334           23   5  1   65  SEA DOGS (1440)            TRICORUS
 KARATIA 73-3624             22   9  1   57  KIWI CONNECTION (1453)     ERINIKA
 KNOTHANDLER 21-6555         19  11  2   56  SEA DOGS (1446)            SUNSET
 PRISONER 0327 82--24539     16  16  2   56  DUNGEON CELL 66 (1441)     DWES EG
 ABBOTT 14-4131              19  10  2   47  OTAGO HIGHLANDERS (1444)   TOBIR
-CAULIFLOWER EARS 52-3424    21  19  0   43  OTTO'S PARTS (892)         FRATSFA
 HUW AP HUW 35-3030          23  69  0   34  CHILDREN OF LLYR (1415)    MURSKA
 PRISONER BG11 99-1620        7  11  4   26  DUNGEON CELL 508C (1457)   SOUTH RIDGE

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD                   W   L  K TEAM NAME              SLAIN BY                  TURN

                               PERSONAL CORRESPONDENCE

Wow, everything you ever wanted to know about who fought in the tourney, and then
some.  This is a new feature, having the adm tourney stuff in the newsletter, isn't
it?  I think maybe I like it. -- Jorja
P.S.  Although the Home Guard newsletter could probably have dispensed with
everything above the ADM level.  It isn't like some Primus tourney victor is going to
be here!

James Madison -- I might vote for you, a dead president has a certain appeal, but
that doesn't mean I'd let you win when I saw a chance to grab the victory for myself.
-- Tavis Cadfalson

Ballast -- Urg.  No kidding.  It was probably those last three doughnuts.  I
should've stopped with two, but the others were right THERE.... -- Math op Owain

Snotman -- Euwh.  Wipe your nose, kid.  That's disgusting. -- Cadal

Abbott -- Don't go thinking I'm Costello.  I don't do that kind of stuff. -- Owain
Harlson

Prisoner 0327 -- Bah. -- Huw ap Huw

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

LONDON QUIREBOY slimly won victory over TAVIS CADFALSON in a 2 minute Challenge fight.
SNOTMAN vanquished BALLAST in a exciting 2 minute gory uneven Challenge battle.
SANDMAN vanquished U.S.S. ARIZONA in a popular 1 minute mismatched Challenge brawl.
PORKY PIG demolished ABBOTT in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge competition.
HEAD CHEESE was viciously subdued by GOLDENBEARD in a 2 minute Title fight.
BATMUN unbelievably bested JAMES MADISON in a 2 minute gory competition.
KISSYFUR was outwaited by MAKESHIFT ANCHOR in a action packed 7 minute gruesome melee.
MISS TEAK was vanquished by BLOODY BRAINLESS in a 1 minute uneven fight.
CADAL won victory over GAR & BRILL in a popular 1 minute fight.
MATH OP OWAIN overpowered PRISONER 0118 in a popular 1 minute brutal one-sided melee.
KARATIA was demolished by PRISONER 0103 in a 1 minute mismatched competition.
BILGE RAT was subdued by HERMY in a crowd pleasing 4 minute gory match.
PRISONER 0327 was handily defeated by MEAN SPIRIT in a 1 minute one-sided conflict.
PATCH bested B&G BOUNCER in a action packed 1 minute duel.
OWAIN HARLSON overpowered PRISONER BG11 in a 1 minute mismatched brawl.
HUW AP HUW was devastated by KNOTHANDLER in a exciting 2 minute one-sided fight.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|LUNGING ATTACK                   6         SLASHING ATTACK    8 -   1 -  1      89  |
|AIMED BLOW                       5         PARRY-RIPOSTE      5 -   3 -  0      63  |
|TOTAL PARRY                      5         PARRY-LUNGE        3 -   2 -  0      60  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     4         LUNGING ATTACK    33 -  22 -  0      60  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                  4         TOTAL PARRY       24 -  20 -  1      55  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   2         PARRY-STRIKE      21 -  19 -  0      53  |
|WALL OF STEEL                    2         STRIKING ATTACK   16 -  21 -  0      43  |
|SLASHING ATTACK                  1         WALL OF STEEL      3 -   5 -  0      38  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      0         BASHING ATTACK     6 -  11 -  0      35  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    0         AIMED BLOW         5 -  22 -  0      19  |

Turn 499 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

SLASHING ATTACK    1 -  0     AIMED BLOW         2 -  3         4  TOTAL PARRY    
BASHING ATTACK     2 -  0     TOTAL PARRY        2 -  3         2  LUNGING ATTACK 
PARRY-STRIKE       2 -  2     LUNGING ATTACK     2 -  4         1  WALL OF STEEL  
STRIKING ATTACK    2 -  2     PARRY-LUNGE        0 -  0         1  BASHING ATTACK 
WALL OF STEEL      1 -  1     PARRY-RIPOSTE      0 -  0         1  PARRY-STRIKE   
                                                                1  SLASHING ATTACK
                                                                1  STRIKING ATTACK

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
LUNGING ATTACK   GOLDENBEARD 21-6202        32   7  1  247 SEA DOGS (1446)
TOTAL PARRY      BATMUN 37-2634             38  17  0  211 ALL THE MUN'S MEN (355)
WALL OF STEEL    LONDON QUIREBOY 59-2513    28  12  1  202 CHAPEL ROCK (1352)
PARRY-STRIKE     JAMES MADISON 99-1268      28  17  3  194 DEAD PRESIDENTS, YO (1412)
SLASHING ATTACK  SNOTMAN 97-2611            23  10  6  182 COLLUSION (1426)
STRIKING ATTACK  BLOODY BRAINLESS 96-2206   28  27  4  163 BLOODY RANDOMNESS (1405)
BASHING ATTACK   CADAL 35-1370              52 103  4  152 CHILDREN OF LLYR (1415)
AIMED BLOW       PRISONER 0118 82--31788    23  56  0  127 DUNGEON CELL 24 (1456)

The overall popularity leader is GAR & BRILL 38-4252.  The most popular warrior this 
turn was KISSYFUR 67-2187.  The ten other most popular fighters were BILGE RAT 
51-5334, GOLDENBEARD 21-6202, TAVIS CADFALSON 35-1419, SNOTMAN 97-2611, KNOTHANDLER 
21-6555, MAKESHIFT ANCHOR 1-7724, JAMES MADISON 99-1268, LONDON QUIREBOY 59-2513, 
SANDMAN 97-2610, and MATH OP OWAIN 35-1418.

The least popular fighter this week was PRISONER BG11 99-1620.  The other ten least 
popular fighters were PRISONER 0118 82--31788, MISS TEAK 1-8015, PRISONER 0327 
82--24539, HEAD CHEESE 96-1920, ABBOTT 14-4131, U.S.S. ARIZONA 34-2643, HUW AP HUW 
35-3030, OWAIN HARLSON 35-3130, PORKY PIG 72-5953, and BALLAST 1-7727.

Arena (Number)       W  L K  Arena (Number)       W  L K  Arena (Number)       W  L K  
MORDANT(1)           1  2 0  SIBIKHAS(37)         1  0 0  ERINIKA(73)          0  1 0  
TOBIR(14)            0  1 0  CLIFFHOME(38)        0  1 0  DWES EG(82)          1  2 0  
SUNSET(21)           2  0 0  TRICORUS(51)         0  1 0  OLD VALAMANTIS(96)   1  1 0  
MONUNTIAL(34)        0  1 0  ILLIS(59)            1  0 0  SHADOW GROVE(97)     2  0 0  
MURSKA(35)           3  2 0  BARIKALA(67)         0  1 0  SOUTH RIDGE(99)      0  2 0  
JHANS(36)            1  0 0  DRAGONHEAD(72)       1  0 0  

TOP WARRIOR OF EACH ARENA     W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 MAKESHIFT ANCHOR 1-7724     35  42  0  164  SEA DOGS (1442)            MORDANT
 ABBOTT 14-4131              19  10  2   47  OTAGO HIGHLANDERS (1444)   TOBIR
 GOLDENBEARD 21-6202         32   7  1  247  SEA DOGS (1446)            SUNSET
 U.S.S. ARIZONA 34-2643      27  21  1  124  D-DAY SQUAD (1449)         MONUNTIAL
 TAVIS CADFALSON 35-1419     43 102  3  197  CHILDREN OF LLYR (1415)    MURSKA
 PATCH 36-7297               22  14  0   88  SEA DOGS (1450)            JHANS

TOP WARRIOR OF EACH ARENA     W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 BATMUN 37-2634              38  17  0  211  ALL THE MUN'S MEN (355)    SIBIKHAS
 GAR & BRILL 38-4252         70 107  0  141  JUST BECAUSE (1228)        CLIFFHOME
 BILGE RAT 51-5334           23   5  1   65  SEA DOGS (1440)            TRICORUS
 LONDON QUIREBOY 59-2513     28  12  1  202  CHAPEL ROCK (1352)         ILLIS
 KISSYFUR 67-2187            29  18  1  148  ALL-STAR NANA'S (1451)     BARIKALA
 PORKY PIG 72-5953           17   7  2   70  MEAT YOUR MAKER (1439)     DRAGONHEAD
 KARATIA 73-3624             22   9  1   57  KIWI CONNECTION (1453)     ERINIKA
 PRISONER 0118 82--31788     23  56  0  127  DUNGEON CELL 24 (1456)     DWES EG
 HEAD CHEESE 96-1920         46  20  3  201  WHY SELL THIS? (1390)      OLD VALAMANTIS
 SNOTMAN 97-2611             23  10  6  182  COLLUSION (1426)           SHADOW GROVE
 JAMES MADISON 99-1268       28  17  3  194  DEAD PRESIDENTS, YO (1412) SOUTH RIDGE