AD
Date : 02/15/2018 Duedate: 02/28/2018
FREE BLADES ARENA
DM 103 TURN 732
RANK TEAMS W L K % RANK TEAMS W L K %
1 LIMERITICS! 61/1492 4086 2244 33 64.5 JUDGEMENT 97/1504
SATAN'S BBQ 29/1501 ANGELS REBORN 82/1507
SATAN'S LINT 2/1506 DEATH HORDE VI 82/997
HALLOWIENERS 33/1391 EASTERN HORDE 43/1493
DEVIL SLAYERS 43/1472 THE FUN BUNCH 16/1500
MAN OR BEAST? 19/1386 DARKNESS FALLS 15/1503
SATAN'S DINER 26/1497 EASTERN HORDE 4 82/992
SONS OF SATAN 97/1371 THE QUAM SQUAD 82/1499
ANGELS OF PAIN 32/1241 5 DARKLINGS 74/1160 1072 993 11 51.9
DEVIL ADVOCATES 32/298 6 MY PETS 9/1272 475 536 2 47.0
SATAN'S BLADES 56/1450 7 ASSORTED 32/578 1196 1635 21 42.2
SATAN'S KINGDOM 9/1461 THUNDER CATS 74/1151
HORDES OF HELL! 99/1460 8 GWAR 77/1235 1073 1477 15 42.1
LEGIONS OF HELL 35/1462 GWAR 82/1422
MILWAUKEE RULES 84/1409 D.R.I. 21/1416
BLADES OF TERROR 12/1406 IN SHINOLA 82/1485
THE DEVIL'S PLAN 85/1516 DEADLY RAGE 72/1453
WIDE WORLD OF... 84/1370 FEAR FACTORY 61/632
LORDS OF DARKNESS 84/1408 MESOPOTAMIA 50/1433
THE GRAIL KNIGHTS 15/1429 WHO DA MAN? 12/1414
EVIL EATER BUNNIES 29/1446 FEAR FACTORY 3 84/1487
COLLUSION UNLIMITED 84/1427 FEAR FACTORY 4 84/1488
2 HOMER'S PET 74/1514 300 180 3 62.5 ROMAN DIVINITY 82/1510
HOUSE CANNITH 13/1473 FEAR FACTORY 15 84/1511
THE MOTHERSHIP 19/1078 KARNHORN KARNAGE 9/1479
INK & STEEL RETRO 15/1512 KARNHORN KARNAGE 19/1430
3 BAD BEATS 47/1508 214 181 2 54.2 CARNIVAL OF CHAOS 82/1435
RIFF-RAFF CREW 35/46 9 GHOST BEARS 49/821 26 37 0 41.3
ANYWAYUSLICEIT 56/815 10 ENFORCERS 17/1480 21 31 0 40.4
STRAGETY, DAMMIT! 32/1482 STRONGMEN 17/1476
4 DB2 97/1295 452 390 10 53.7 11 F IS FOR FR 12/1515 47 90 0 34.3
D B Z 96/1294 SPROUT OF MY MIND 47/1509
REPORT FROM WITHIN THE TOWER
Somebody showed up with a head in a bag and wanted to do a spy report. It was a
head of cabbage, and you can, like, guess what kind of spy report that would be!
Albendranious! So I'm going to do it instead, in spite of just coming back from the
dentist. He said I had popcorn hulls everywhere. So? I like popcorn. Sue me.
Thirty-six fights, four challenges, one death. Maybe no standbys! That would
be, like, totally strange. As usual, Angels of Pain was most avoiding Fear Factory.
I just got a special note from, you know, the clerks in the office here. They
know everything. They say that Leper Messiah's secret real name is Piltdown. But he
hides it because it makes people challenge him. Is this, like, bad? White Rabbit
most challenged him, for the title, you know. People get excited about the title.
THE WHITE RABBIT (29-5815) (73-11-1,540) of EVIL EATER BUNNIES challenged LEPER
MESSIAH (72-3954) (49-40-3,273) of DEADLY RAGE. Down lots. 267, maybe? I don't do
higher math, and this is really high. THE WHITE RABBIT was demolished by LEPER
MESSIAH in a 1 minute Challenge Title melee.
The other challenges:
CRAZED WILDEBEEST (9-5824) (56-23-0,230) of SATAN'S KINGDOM challenged D (82-44)
(34-26-0,235) of EASTERN HORDE 4. Up 5. CRAZED WILDEBEEST devastated D in a action
packed 1 minute mismatched Challenge fight. It's the, like, crazed effect. It can
give you an edge. Some managers told me that. I figure they should know.
APOCALYPSE (32-5711) (84-25-1,202) of ANGELS OF PAIN challenged GOKU (96-2399)
(27-30-4,203) of D B Z. Up 1. APOCALYPSE narrowly defeated GOKU in a 2 minute
Challenge duel. How narrow is "narrowly defeated"? Inquiring minds want to know!
FILLETED MINION (29-6107) (25-10-1,180) of SATAN'S BBQ challenged HORROR OF YIG
(82-56623) (34-41-0,180) of GWAR. Straight across, a true Free Blades challenge.
FILLETED MINION butchered HORROR OF YIG in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge contest.
Some of the fans were cheering, because the Horror of Yig was terrorizing them.
That's what the Yiggers do, you know, terrorize people. I've seen 'em do it.
Some other fights at, like, random:
SUBTERFUGE (84-38420) (84-21-0,211) of COLLUSION UNLIMITED fought YAMA (82-11638)
(48-30-0,199) of DEATH HORDE VI. SUBTERFUGE was viciously subdued by YAMA in a 2
minute gruesome brawl. Yama got 39 points for this win, and Subterfuge is melon
balls. Or something like that.
BOWEN (15-5091) (75-97-1,211) of DARKNESS FALLS fought JOHN WAYNE GACY (21-7988)
(46-52-1,189) of D.R.I.. BOWEN defeated JOHN WAYNE GACY in a exciting 2 minute
struggle. That's what experience does. It gives you an edge.
SLEEPWALKER (74-2843) (108-219-3,240) of DARKLINGS fought EXPENDABLE YOUTH (9-
4200) (42-50-1,195) of KARNHORN KARNAGE. SLEEPWALKER overpowered EXPENDABLE YOUTH in
a 1 minute one-sided match. Yep, experience. Although Sleepwalker could have lost
just from stepping out on the sands in his, you know, sleep. I've heard he does that
sometimes.
MAD DOG RUSSO (19-5483) (63-19-1,239) of MAN OR BEAST? fought CHAIN OF FOOLS (84-
43107) (32-23-0,222) of FEAR FACTORY 15. MAD DOG RUSSO devastated CHAIN OF FOOLS in a
exciting 1 minute mismatched conflict. I heard that the stewards almost didn't let
Russo out on the sands because he was foaming at his mouth. It would've been more
exciting, *I* think, if he'd been foaming at someone else's mouth.
GUILLOTINE (12-6588) (77-45-3,229) of BLADES OF TERROR fought SIR QUAMALOT (82-
4630) (32-15-0,200) of THE QUAM SQUAD. GUILLOTINE demolished SIR QUAMALOT in a crowd
pleasing 1 minute one-sided brawl. What's weird is that Guillotine cut off Sir's head
but it didn't kill him. Some sort of magic, I guess.
PROPANE TORCH (61-2524) (97-84-1,228) of FEAR FACTORY fought LITTLE DRAGON (32-
6087) (52-46-1,258) of STRAGETY, DAMMIT!. PROPANE TORCH savagely defeated LITTLE
DRAGON in a popular 4 minute bloody duel. It was a flame duel! Propane on one side,
and the flaming Dragon on the other. Makes you think, right?
SLICE CONSTRUCT (56-3181) (69-49-2,237) of ANYWAYUSLICEIT fought SHADOW (84-
26165) (72-52-0,197) of LORDS OF DARKNESS. SLICE CONSTRUCT viciously subdued SHADOW
in a exciting 2 minute bloody fray. The clean-up guys were surprised at all the
slices of shadows in the sands. They said it was confusing and they kept tripping on
stuff the couldn't see. Lost initiatives and stuff.
ST. GEORGE (43-5034) (47-22-1,225) of DEVIL SLAYERS fought ATTILA THE BUM (21-
7987) (42-56-2,194) of D.R.I.. ST. GEORGE devastated ATTILA THE BUM in a 1 minute
one-sided brawl. I guess this proves that Atilla isn't a devil, because Georgie
didn't slay him. Good to know.
WHITE LION (35-859) (90-54-0,261) of RIFF-RAFF CREW fought LEAPING LEPER (33-
7940) (26-3-0,201) of HALLOWIENERS. WHITE LION overpowered LEAPING LEPER in a
exciting 1 minute one-sided match. This was so unfair, you have to wonder why there
wasn't a standby to balance things. Well, you don't HAVE to wonder, but sometimes the
clerks do, and then I tell you about it.
SERGE (32-3549) (108-144-1,216) of ASSORTED fought JUSTIN CREDIBLE (21-6514) (62-
65-2,205) of D.R.I.. SERGE overpowered JUSTIN CREDIBLE in a crowd pleasing 1 minute
mismatched fight. Do you think Serge will ever get a winning record? He's trying,
anyway. Good luck to him.
And that's it for today.
Debby T.
LORD-MARSHALL W L K PNTS TEAM NAME CITY
LEPER MESSIAH 72-3954 50 40 3 314 DEADLY RAGE (1453) DRAGONHEAD
GRAND CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS W L K PNTS TEAM NAME CITY
WHITE LION 35-859 91 54 0 283 RIFF-RAFF CREW (46) MURSKA
-THE SCYTHE 56-4456 57 34 0 259 SATAN'S BLADES (1450) ROCANIS
MAD DOG RUSSO 19-5483 64 19 1 255 MAN OR BEAST? (1386) ZUWAYZA
SLICE CONSTRUCT 56-3181 70 49 2 254 ANYWAYUSLICEIT (815) ROCANIS
GUILLOTINE 12-6588 78 45 3 251 BLADES OF TERROR (1406) RIZTAB
SLEEPWALKER 74-2843 109 219 3 249 DARKLINGS (1160) DAYLA KIV
SADDAM A GO-GO 82-7155 65 58 0 249 GWAR (1422) DWES EG
CRAZED WILDEBEEST 9-5824 57 23 0 247 SATAN'S KINGDOM (1461) ZUKAL
PROPANE TORCH 61-2524 98 84 1 239 FEAR FACTORY (632) JURINE
YAMA 82-11638 49 30 0 238 DEATH HORDE VI (997) DWES EG
ST. GEORGE 43-5034 48 22 1 234 DEVIL SLAYERS (1472) VEASTIAN
KID DYNAMITE 32-6091 65 43 2 232 STRAGETY, DAMMIT! (1482) ARVAT
KICK INTHE TEETH 82-7173 63 68 4 232 GWAR (1422) DWES EG
3 LIBRAS 84-43047 40 35 0 230 FEAR FACTORY 3 (1487) BLACKSTONE
REPUGNANT 97-3677 116 53 5 228 SONS OF SATAN (1371) SHADOW GROVE
SERGE 32-3549 109 144 1 227 ASSORTED (578) ARVAT
TELLUS 82-56650 30 14 2 225 ROMAN DIVINITY (1510) DWES EG
THE SICKLY DWARF 84-24303 90 32 1 223 MILWAUKEE RULES (1409) BLACKSTONE
SHEET WITH EYES 33-7740 76 21 0 219 HALLOWIENERS (1391) NIYTYOLE ISLAND
BOWEN 15-5091 76 97 1 216 DARKNESS FALLS (1503) MALCORN
KINGU 50-3575 51 58 0 214 MESOPOTAMIA (1433) SNOWBOUND
GRAND CHAMPIONS W L K PNTS TEAM NAME CITY
GOKU 96-2399 27 31 4 210 D B Z (1294) OLD VALAMANTIS
FILLETED MINION 29-6107 26 10 2 210 SATAN'S BBQ (1501) LAPUR
FIRE IN BABYLON 84-43050 30 35 1 209 FEAR FACTORY 4 (1488) BLACKSTONE
APOCALYPSE 32-5711 85 25 1 208 ANGELS OF PAIN (1241) ARVAT
THE DARK KNIGHT 15-5250 63 34 0 208 THE GRAIL KNIGHTS (1429) MALCORN
-MGR THE MAGICIAN 15-5268 45 30 0 207 THE GRAIL KNIGHTS (1429) MALCORN
SIR BUBBA THE BOLD 15-5249 66 33 4 204 THE GRAIL KNIGHTS (1429) MALCORN
PURPLE DRAGON 15-5116 38 19 0 203 INK & STEEL RETRO (1512) MALCORN
FLATTUS MAXIMUS 77-2125 90 120 2 201 GWAR (1235) MAZGOURRAH
TICKLES 9-3486 88 133 1 201 MY PETS (1272) ZUKAL
BLASPHEMY 32-5332 65 26 1 201 ANGELS OF PAIN (1241) ARVAT
CHAIN OF FOOLS 84-43107 32 24 0 201 FEAR FACTORY 15 (1511) BLACKSTONE
SUBTERFUGE 84-38420 84 22 0 200 COLLUSION UNLIMITED (1427) BLACKSTONE
JOE MAMA 21-6771 56 69 1 200 D.R.I. (1416) SUNSET
LITTLE DRAGON 32-6087 52 47 1 200 STRAGETY, DAMMIT! (1482) ARVAT
-TORTURE 35-4368 50 24 0 200 LEGIONS OF HELL (1462) MURSKA
LUST 99-5216 44 29 5 200 HORDES OF HELL! (1460) SOUTH RIDGE
PEACE 43-4306 35 11 0 200 EASTERN HORDE (1493) VEASTIAN
D 82-44 34 27 0 200 EASTERN HORDE 4 (992) DWES EG
-MAN FROM NANTUCKET 61-3917 30 14 0 200 LIMERITICS! (1492) JURINE
FREIZA 97-2823 28 30 3 200 DB2 (1295) SHADOW GROVE
SHADOW 84-26165 72 53 0 199 LORDS OF DARKNESS (1408) BLACKSTONE
LEAPING LEPER 33-7940 26 4 0 199 HALLOWIENERS (1391) NIYTYOLE ISLAND
SIR QUAMALOT 82-4630 32 16 0 198 THE QUAM SQUAD (1499) DWES EG
DON QUIXOTE 47-8393 29 17 0 198 BAD BEATS (1508) NORTH FORK
POOR OLD TOM 82-7154 37 28 3 197 GWAR (1422) DWES EG
REAGANOMICS 21-6182 66 78 1 196 D.R.I. (1416) SUNSET
IRONTOWER 13-5482 44 34 0 194 HOUSE CANNITH (1473) DULLENS
THE WHITE RABBIT 29-5815 73 12 1 193 EVIL EATER BUNNIES (1446) LAPUR
JON 17-7447 46 41 0 193 ENFORCERS (1480) ALJAFIR
ATTILA THE BUM 21-7987 42 57 2 193 D.R.I. (1416) SUNSET
CANNIBAL CORPSE 61-2373 69 111 4 192 FEAR FACTORY (632) JURINE
ZOMBIE RAGE 84-15614 71 44 1 191 WIDE WORLD OF... (1370) BLACKSTONE
JUSTIN CREDIBLE 21-6514 62 66 2 190 D.R.I. (1416) SUNSET
AGONY GIGGLE 82-56593 38 51 0 190 CARNIVAL OF CHAOS (1435) DWES EG
MOJO'S MONKEY 16-4101 25 14 0 190 THE FUN BUNCH (1500) WILLAF
JOHN WAYNE GACY 21-7988 46 53 1 188 D.R.I. (1416) SUNSET
GRAND CHAMPIONS W L K PNTS TEAM NAME CITY
EXPENDABLE YOUTH 9-4200 42 51 1 186 KARNHORN KARNAGE (1479) ZUKAL
HAPPY JACK 19-4086 72 57 4 183 THE MOTHERSHIP (1078) ZUWAYZA
GRAND CHALLENGER ADEPTS W L K PNTS TEAM NAME CITY
MIRED 82-46332 42 51 3 180 IN SHINOLA (1485) DWES EG
JOY OF LOSING 12-6600 56 69 1 178 WHO DA MAN? (1414) RIZTAB
PUTRID DEFILER 19-4323 45 63 1 178 KARNHORN KARNAGE (1430) ZUWAYZA
HORROR OF YIG 82-56623 34 42 0 174 GWAR (1422) DWES EG
PANTHARR 74-807 48 53 2 172 THUNDER CATS (1151) DAYLA KIV
CHIRON 17-4235 34 38 3 171 STRONGMEN (1476) ALJAFIR
MUSHAD 43-4287 21 15 1 170 EASTERN HORDE (1493) VEASTIAN
GRAND ADEPTS W L K PNTS TEAM NAME CITY
-CLAY MEROSOLZ 32-6543 23 14 0 148 DEVIL ADVOCATES (298) ARVAT
ARAQIEL 97-6355 16 10 3 148 JUDGEMENT (1504) SHADOW GROVE
DEMON MERINGUE PIE 26-5213 25 24 0 133 SATAN'S DINER (1497) CALEAM
HOPE 82-11990 16 8 0 118 ANGELS REBORN (1507) DWES EG
GRAND CHALLENGER INITIATES W L K PNTS TEAM NAME CITY
EVIL LINT 2-6280 23 6 0 100 SATAN'S LINT (1506) NIANIA
RUFF RUFF 47-8860 12 11 0 95 SPROUT OF MY MIND (1509) NORTH FORK
GRAND INITIATES W L K PNTS TEAM NAME CITY
OPUS 49-3207 21 21 0 68 GHOST BEARS (821) VITHICAR
BULL 12-7418 14 12 0 46 F IS FOR FROG (1515) RIZTAB
-PAIN 85-8986 13 7 1 43 THE DEVIL'S PLAN (1516) JASPER GULCH
'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.
THE DEAD W L K TEAM NAME SLAIN BY TURN
HORROR OF YIG 82-56623 34 42 0 GWAR 1422 FILLETED MINION 29-6107 732
PERSONAL CORRESPONDENCE
LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS
CRAZED WILDEBEEST devastated D in a action packed 1 minute mismatched Challenge fight.
THE WHITE RABBIT was demolished by LEPER MESSIAH in a 1 minute Challenge Title melee.
APOCALYPSE narrowly defeated GOKU in a 2 minute Challenge duel.
FILLETED MINION butchered HORROR OF YIG in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge contest.
SUBTERFUGE was viciously subdued by YAMA in a 2 minute gruesome brawl.
BOWEN defeated JOHN WAYNE GACY in a exciting 2 minute struggle.
THE SICKLY DWARF devastated POOR OLD TOM in a 1 minute one-sided competition.
TELLUS overcame LUST in a action packed 1 minute gruesome melee.
KICK INTHE TEETH vanquished MOJO'S MONKEY in a action packed 1 minute uneven fight.
SADDAM A GO-GO savagely defeated JON in a action packed 4 minute gory match.
SLEEPWALKER overpowered EXPENDABLE YOUTH in a 1 minute one-sided match.
MAD DOG RUSSO devastated CHAIN OF FOOLS in a exciting 1 minute mismatched conflict.
GUILLOTINE demolished SIR QUAMALOT in a crowd pleasing 1 minute one-sided brawl.
PROPANE TORCH savagely defeated LITTLE DRAGON in a popular 4 minute bloody duel.
SLICE CONSTRUCT viciously subdued SHADOW in a exciting 2 minute bloody fray.
ST. GEORGE devastated ATTILA THE BUM in a 1 minute one-sided brawl.
WHITE LION overpowered LEAPING LEPER in a exciting 1 minute one-sided match.
SERGE overpowered JUSTIN CREDIBLE in a crowd pleasing 1 minute mismatched fight.
KID DYNAMITE devastated REAGANOMICS in a action packed 2 minute brutal one-sided bout.
REPUGNANT beat FIRE IN BABYLON in a action packed 1 minute fray.
BLASPHEMY overcame FREIZA in a 2 minute contest.
SHEET WITH EYES overpowered FLATTUS MAXIMUS in a popular 1 minute one-sided match.
PEACE overpowered JOY OF LOSING in a popular 1 minute gory uneven fight.
DON QUIXOTE demolished CHIRON in a action packed 2 minute gruesome one-sided melee.
KINGU beat IRONTOWER in a exciting 1 minute bloody fray.
JOE MAMA vanquished MUSHAD in a popular 1 minute one-sided bout.
CANNIBAL CORPSE was vanquished by THE DARK KNIGHT in a 1 minute one-sided fray.
MIRED was demolished by TICKLES in a exciting 1 minute one-sided fight.
AGONY GIGGLE was overpowered by SIR BUBBA THE BOLD in a exciting 1 minute uneven bout.
ZOMBIE RAGE was devastated by 3 LIBRAS in a 1 minute one-sided duel.
PURPLE DRAGON viciously subdued PUTRID DEFILER in a 2 minute brutal battle.
PANTHARR was bested by HAPPY JACK in a action packed 1 minute gory bout.
DEMON MERINGUE PIE luckily beat HOPE in a crowd pleasing 5 minute brutal match.
SPIDERPIG was vanquished by ARAQIEL in a 1 minute one-sided bout.
RUFF RUFF was unbelievably bested by EVIL LINT in a crowd pleasing 4 minute bout.
OPUS handily defeated BULL in a 1 minute one-sided duel.
BATTLE REPORT
MOST POPULAR RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS
|FIGHTING STYLE FIGHTS FIGHTING STYLE W - L - K PERCENT|
|LUNGING ATTACK 25 PARRY-RIPOSTE 17 - 12 - 0 59 |
|AIMED BLOW 19 LUNGING ATTACK 139 - 103 - 1 57 |
|WALL OF STEEL 7 WALL OF STEEL 33 - 26 - 0 56 |
|STRIKING ATTACK 6 SLASHING ATTACK 17 - 15 - 2 53 |
|BASHING ATTACK 5 AIMED BLOW 105 - 96 - 1 52 |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE 3 PARRY-LUNGE 13 - 13 - 0 50 |
|SLASHING ATTACK 3 STRIKING ATTACK 25 - 32 - 0 44 |
|PARRY-LUNGE 2 TOTAL PARRY 13 - 26 - 0 33 |
|TOTAL PARRY 1 BASHING ATTACK 15 - 30 - 0 33 |
|PARRY-STRIKE 1 PARRY-STRIKE 2 - 8 - 0 20 |
Turn 732 was great if you Not so great if you used The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles: the fighting styles: top eleven warriors are:
TOTAL PARRY 1 - 0 AIMED BLOW 8 - 11 5 LUNGING ATTACK
WALL OF STEEL 5 - 2 BASHING ATTACK 2 - 3 2 WALL OF STEEL
PARRY-RIPOSTE 2 - 1 STRIKING ATTACK 2 - 4 2 PARRY-RIPOSTE
SLASHING ATTACK 2 - 1 PARRY-STRIKE 0 - 1 1 SLASHING ATTACK
LUNGING ATTACK 13 - 12 1 AIMED BLOW
PARRY-LUNGE 1 - 1
TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE
FIGHTING STYLE WARRIOR W L K PNTS TEAM NAME
SLASHING ATTACK LEPER MESSIAH 72-3954 50 40 3 314 DEADLY RAGE (1453)
WALL OF STEEL WHITE LION 35-859 91 54 0 283 RIFF-RAFF CREW (46)
PARRY-RIPOSTE MAD DOG RUSSO 19-5483 64 19 1 255 MAN OR BEAST? (1386)
LUNGING ATTACK SLICE CONSTRUCT 56-3181 70 49 2 254 ANYWAYUSLICEIT (815)
AIMED BLOW CRAZED WILDEBEEST 9-5824 57 23 0 247 SATAN'S KINGDOM (1461)
PARRY-LUNGE KID DYNAMITE 32-6091 65 43 2 232 STRAGETY, DAMMIT! (1482)
BASHING ATTACK KICK INTHE TEETH 82-7173 63 68 4 232 GWAR (1422)
STRIKING ATTACK REPUGNANT 97-3677 116 53 5 228 SONS OF SATAN (1371)
TOTAL PARRY JOE MAMA 21-6771 56 69 1 200 D.R.I. (1416)
PARRY-STRIKE PUTRID DEFILER 19-4323 45 63 1 178 KARNHORN KARNAGE (1430)
The overall popularity leader is SLEEPWALKER 74-2843. The most popular warrior this
turn was HOPE 82-11990. The ten other most popular fighters were RUFF RUFF 47-8860,
DEMON MERINGUE PIE 26-5213, PROPANE TORCH 61-2524, SLICE CONSTRUCT 56-3181, KID
DYNAMITE 32-6091, CRAZED WILDEBEEST 9-5824, BOWEN 15-5091, SADDAM A GO-GO 82-7155,
JON 17-7447, and GUILLOTINE 12-6588.
The least popular fighter this week was SPIDERPIG 74-4304. The other ten least
popular fighters were AGONY GIGGLE 82--8943, ATTILA THE BUM 21-7987, EXPENDABLE YOUTH
9-4200, THE WHITE RABBIT 29-5815, BULL 12-7418, ZOMBIE RAGE 84-15614, MIRED
82--19204, CANNIBAL CORPSE 61-2373, MUSHAD 43-4287, and FIRE IN BABYLON 84--22486.
Arena (Number) W L K Arena (Number) W L K Arena (Number) W L K
NIANIA(2) 1 0 0 LAPUR(29) 1 1 1 JURINE(61) 1 1 0
ZUKAL(9) 2 1 0 ARVAT(32) 4 1 0 DRAGONHEAD(72) 1 0 0
RIZTAB(12) 1 2 0 NIYTYOLE ISLAND(33) 1 1 0 DAYLA KIV(74) 1 2 0
DULLENS(13) 0 1 0 MURSKA(35) 1 0 0 MAZGOURRAH(77) 0 1 0
MALCORN(15) 4 0 0 VEASTIAN(43) 2 1 0 DWES EG(82) 4 7 0
WILLAF(16) 0 1 0 NORTH FORK(47) 1 1 0 BLACKSTONE(84) 2 5 0
ALJAFIR(17) 0 2 0 VITHICAR(49) 1 0 0 OLD VALAMANTIS(96) 0 1 0
ZUWAYZA(19) 2 1 0 SNOWBOUND(50) 1 0 0 SHADOW GROVE(97) 2 1 0
SUNSET(21) 1 4 0 ROCANIS(56) 1 0 0 SOUTH RIDGE(99) 0 1 0
CALEAM(26) 1 0 0
TOP WARRIOR OF EACH ARENA W L K PNTS TEAM NAME CITY
EVIL LINT 2-6280 23 6 0 100 SATAN'S LINT (1506) NIANIA
CRAZED WILDEBEEST 9-5824 57 23 0 247 SATAN'S KINGDOM (1461) ZUKAL
GUILLOTINE 12-6588 78 45 3 251 BLADES OF TERROR (1406) RIZTAB
IRONTOWER 13-5482 44 34 0 194 HOUSE CANNITH (1473) DULLENS
BOWEN 15-5091 76 97 1 216 DARKNESS FALLS (1503) MALCORN
MOJO'S MONKEY 16-4101 25 14 0 190 THE FUN BUNCH (1500) WILLAF
JON 17-7447 46 41 0 193 ENFORCERS (1480) ALJAFIR
MAD DOG RUSSO 19-5483 64 19 1 255 MAN OR BEAST? (1386) ZUWAYZA
JOE MAMA 21-6771 56 69 1 200 D.R.I. (1416) SUNSET
DEMON MERINGUE PIE 26-5213 25 24 0 133 SATAN'S DINER (1497) CALEAM
FILLETED MINION 29-6107 26 10 2 210 SATAN'S BBQ (1501) LAPUR
KID DYNAMITE 32-6091 65 43 2 232 STRAGETY, DAMMIT! (1482) ARVAT
SHEET WITH EYES 33-7740 76 21 0 219 HALLOWIENERS (1391) NIYTYOLE ISLAND
WHITE LION 35-859 91 54 0 283 RIFF-RAFF CREW (46) MURSKA
ST. GEORGE 43-5034 48 22 1 234 DEVIL SLAYERS (1472) VEASTIAN
DON QUIXOTE 47-8393 29 17 0 198 BAD BEATS (1508) NORTH FORK
OPUS 49-3207 21 21 0 68 GHOST BEARS (821) VITHICAR
KINGU 50-3575 51 58 0 214 MESOPOTAMIA (1433) SNOWBOUND
SLICE CONSTRUCT 56-3181 70 49 2 254 ANYWAYUSLICEIT (815) ROCANIS
PROPANE TORCH 61-2524 98 84 1 239 FEAR FACTORY (632) JURINE
LEPER MESSIAH 72-3954 50 40 3 314 DEADLY RAGE (1453) DRAGONHEAD
SLEEPWALKER 74-2843 109 219 3 249 DARKLINGS (1160) DAYLA KIV
FLATTUS MAXIMUS 77-2125 90 120 2 201 GWAR (1235) MAZGOURRAH
SADDAM A GO-GO 82-7155 65 58 0 249 GWAR (1422) DWES EG
3 LIBRAS 84--22489 40 35 0 230 FEAR FACTORY 3 (1487) BLACKSTONE
GOKU 96-2399 27 31 4 210 D B Z (1294) OLD VALAMANTIS
REPUGNANT 97-3677 116 53 5 228 SONS OF SATAN (1371) SHADOW GROVE
LUST 99-5216 44 29 5 200 HORDES OF HELL! (1460) SOUTH RIDGE
SUMMER FACE-TO-FACE IN ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA
We have planned our summer FTF for July 13-15, 2018, in Arlington, Virginia, only 7
miles on a quick Metro ride from Washington, D.C.!. It will be held at the Holiday
Inn Arlington at Ballston. Room rates are $79 per night on 7/12 and 7/15 and $129 on
7/13 and 7/14, 1-2 occupancy. There's free wireless throughout the property as well
as a fitness center, outdoor pool, and business center, as well as a resturant and bar
inside the hotel. There is no airport shuttle and parking is $7/day. The rooms are
blocked -- ask for the Reality Simulations block. Reservations must be made by 6/12.
(As always if you have issues making reservations, please let us know!)
Hotel site: http://www.hiarlington.com
Look for the tournament info sheet and minioverviews some time in June. We hope
you're all looking forward to it and that we will see you there!
-- RSI
Mission to the Twisted Lands
Episode One
Old Brown could run pretty fast if properly motivated, but mostly he walked with
a long-legged, distance-devouring stride. He was a huge horse, a half-giant's
warhorse, shaggy and self-assured, with muscles like half-buried boulders in his
shoulders and hips. Lounging in the saddle was the motivating force, the half-giant,
Keel Woodhaven. Although in his mind he was slouching and half-asleep, he sat up
straight in the saddle since that is more comfortable for riding.
It was twilight, stars coming out above and lights in farmhouse windows below.
They traveled through vineyards, brown and fallow now in the winter, descending gently
toward the tree-crowded coast. The distant trees, not just pines, were green. They
stayed green because the marsh that surrounded the city-state of Bonsur had hot
springs in it.
Keel Woodhaven had always liked Bonsur. It had a relaxed feel about it, the
women seemed prettier, the music was great, everyone thought about having fun. And
the booze was excellent, of course. He passed the arena at the edge of town, and
paused to read the current statistics, posted on the gate and lit by a lantern. So,
an elven cobbler was the Duelmaster? Why would a shoemaker take up such a painful
profession? Then he noticed the team name: Shewish Picnic. He snorted. That
explained it, all right. As a half-Shew, he was kind of bothered by that team theme,
which was present in Home Guard as well. It was sort of funny though. He saw that
Elf Cobbler was headed for the Isle. Probably not bound for Home Guard just yet,
though.
They passed a small chicken ranch. A rooster uttered an untimely crow. At about
that time, Old Brown took exception to something and bolted. Cussing, Keel hauled on
the reins, to little effect since the horse was stronger than him and apparently
frightened. He didn't see the masked men coming out of their hiding places behind
him, looking frustrated. At least not until a crossbow bolt thunked into the backside
of his leather cuirass. His horse screamed and ran faster.
Hauling Old Brown to the left as they passed a set of big open gates into a well-
lighted courtyard, Keel got them behind the shelter of the high stone wall, and patted
the horse's sweaty neck. "You're okay now, friend. I'll go take care of those
bozos."
As he dismounted, he noticed he was becoming surrounded by uniformed men, some
with swords and some with halberds.
"Howdy?" he said, hoping they were friendly.
"Your horse has been shot," said someone, pointing at a bolt sticking out of Old
Brown's butt.
"Well damn!" Keel laid a comforting hand on the horse's flank, which quivered.
"So have you," the guard continued.
"Yeah, thought so. Doesn't feel like it got through the armor though." Keel
tried to look over his shoulder, but could only see the feathered end of the bolt.
"Who are you guys?"
"We are the Queen's Guard."
"What? Queen Gemra? Okay, please take care of Old Brown here, and I'll go find
the ***holes that shot him."
"Sir, you are mistaken. You will be taken to a doctor. We will arrest the
assailants."
"Hey! I'm on a mission from Sheila Greywand. Anyway, they shot my horse. My
HORSE! I'm gonna get 'em." Unslinging his huge sword, Keel strode toward the gate.
Four Guardsmen came with him, flanking him like the trailing ends of a flock of
geese. They might have intended a different formation, but he had the longest legs
and walked the fastest. The one who'd spoken to him before said, "I'm Corporal Brat
Langerman. And you are?"
"Keel Woodhaven."
"I've heard of you! The Queen will want to meet you."
"That's fine. Let's stick to the sides of these buildings. If they're still
around, we'll be targets in the middle of the street."
They weren't quiet, exactly, since the guards wore highly polished chain mail
which jingled. However, Bonsur had a lively night life. Music and laughter came from
bars and nightclubs on adjacent streets, people lingered on corners chatting and
sometimes playing instruments, and children hawked newssheets, shoeshines, flowers, a
selection of rouges, and offered to carry packages. So the sounds the guards made
weren't too noticeable.
Keel led the way back to the chicken ranch. He was thinking that the bad guys
wouldn't have waited around to be hunted. They might have left clues, though.
Perhaps even a discarded, crumpled note offering a cash reward for his head, and
signed by a notorious crimelord. Or distinctive cigar stubs, monogrammed hankies...
personalized masks. Tracks of boots made by elven cobblers. Anything. Witnesses,
even.
There were no people on the street near the chicken ranch. It was full night
now, a bit chilly although there was a warm and slightly funky breeze from the marsh.
Corporal Brat Langerman said quietly, "Is this where it happened?"
"Yup."
"Well, I don't think they're here anymore."
Keel was about to agree, when a crossbow bolt appeared in the Corporal's arm.
The young man hissed, "Everybody down!"
The guardsmen hunkered against the wall of a hardware store, which didn't offer
anything resembling good cover except that they were in shadow there. Keel crouched a
little, but he knew he was a pretty big target, plus his sword gave off a faint
greenish glow. He looked around, searching the darkness for signs of their foes.
A shadow on top of a shaded walkway across the street shifted a little. Keel
pulled a weighted dart out of his pocket and hurled it. He was good at tavern darts,
but it was dark, the distance was too great, and he just wasn't lucky. The little
missile clattered against the shingles of the porch roof. There was a startled twitch
from the half-seen form. At that instant, Keel lunged across the street. His long
legs carried him across to the opposite shadows in three bounds. More bolts came out
of the darkness, one lodging in his calf, the others missing him altogether.
Now the Guardsmen had a good idea where their foes were, and it takes a while to
reload a crossbow. The four men charged, yelling wildly. Tucking his sword under his
arm, Keel grabbed one of the posts holding up the porch roof, strained, and dislodged
it. After a moment he yanked it out of the structure entirely. The roof sagged,
there was a yelp of surprise, and someone's foot appeared off the edge of it. Keel
grabbed him by the ankle and hauled him the rest of the way down.
There were brief sounds of fighting, then footsteps that rapidly receded down an
alley. Three Guardsmen raced off in pursuit. Keel's prisoner started to try to get
away, so the half-Shew tossed him up, grabbed him by the arms and bashed him against
the wall.
"Are you okay?" asked Brat, sheathing his sword.
"Took one in the leg, but it's not too bad I think," Keel said, shifting his
unconscious prisoner to one hand and bending to pick up his sword.
"I'll help you tie that one up," Brat said. "There's a dead one here. I think
there were two more." He grunted slightly, trying to reach something with his injured
arm. "Got some ties in my right-hand belt pouch. If you could get them for me?"
They bound the prisoner, then bandaged each other.
"What did they want?" asked the Corporal.
Keel shrugged. "No clue. Let's get him somewhere safe and we can ask him..."
He listened. "Your guys are coming back."
"Yeah."
The Guardsmen hadn't been able to track their assailants in the darkness, but at
least there were no further injuries. The group of them returned warily to the
courtyard of the Guard House, where a woman was smearing some kind of ointment on Old
Brown's wound. After the horse was bedded down in the stable, the Guardsmen led Keel
into their office, where there was a welcome scent of fresh coffee. The medic set
about binding Keel's wound and that of the Corporal, who turned out to be an extremely
handsome man. Keel remembered hearing that Queen Gemra required her Guardsmen to be
good looking. That didn't mean they weren't competent, though. Brat had done pretty
well.
The medic roused their prisoner with smelling salts. They all sat in the main
office, Corporal Langerman facing the miscreant, who was seated in a cushioned chair,
looking reasonably comfortable except for his bandaged head. "All right," said Brat.
"Now I want you to tell me that you're going to turn Queen's Evidence."
"Not on your life, pretty boy!" The man had, perhaps, some excuse for hard
feelings since he was more homely than not, with a crooked nose and eyes set too close
together. He and Keel looked shabby and ill-favored amongst all these gleamingly
handsome Guardsmen.
Keel leaned forward. "You guys shot my horse."
"Oh. Sorry, didn't mean to do that. We were just shooting at you."
"Why?"
"Glowing sword."
"What?"
"Duh, it's a magic sword! We saw it when you drew it in Delarq Tor, and figured
we could sell it so we followed you."
The half-Shew snorted. "The Dentless isn't magic. It was in a Chaos Gate for
five hundred years and it picked up some energy, that's all. All it does, is glow.
And cut things."
The bandit looked chagrined. "But... it's got to be magic."
"Ain't. Sorry kid."
After that, Keel was taken to enjoy a sumptuous dinner at the Palace. Queen
Gemra was a definite babe, with long, silken black hair, a delicate pouty face, and
luscious curves. She asked him about his mission, which was to go to the Twisted
Lands and shut down a leaking Chaos Gate. He entertained her with the story of his
adventure on the Two-Shew Express, and she gave him a brown velvet cloak to show her
appreciation. She did not invite him to her bed, which was fine because his heart
belonged to another, always and forever.
* * * * *
This is a continuing adventure.
Watch for future chapters in the Bonsur and Home Guard newsletters!