DARKHOLM SPORTING JOURNAL

Date   : 02/19/2018    Duedate: 03/03/2018

DARKHOLM ARENA

DM 104    TURN 731

RANK TEAMS                 W    L   K    %  RANK TEAMS                 W    L   K    % 
  1 LADIES OF QU 7/1404    9    4   0 69.2      UNLIKELY HEROES 18W 97/1408
  2 SHADOWHOLD 31/1405   219  239   2 47.8    3 HIGHLANDERS 42/1341  712  871  10 45.0
    OBSIDIAN HALL 33/1370                     4 OBELISK 005 1/1409    76  104   1 42.2
    SPECTRAL STEEL 47/1386                      SAND KINGS 69/1118
    THE HOLY LEGION 10/490                      COLLEGE RADIO 51/1365
    BLOODHAMMER CLAN 82/1387                    HOUSE OF PANCAKES 5/1410
    MYTHICAL KNIGHTS 60/1384                  5 ARROGANCE 18/732    1624 2873  27 36.1
    GRIZZLED VETERANS 40/1378                   THE LADY'S LIST 6/917

                             REPORT FROM WITHIN THE TOWER

Hullo hullo!

Is it ever going to stop raining?  Anyway, we saw 12 fights today.  Some of them were 
pretty stirring.  There were 3 challenge matches, too.

BATTLE BANSHEE (47-7979) (19-23-2,196) of SPECTRAL STEEL challenged MIKEL (6-6190) 
(93-109-3,209) of THE LADY'S LIST.  BATTLE BANSHEE devastated MIKEL in a 1 minute 
mismatched Challenge fight.  Oddly, Mikel isn't our top Slasher right now, but the 
Banshee is top Striker.

SIR YVAIN (60-9076) (25-22-2,189) of MYTHICAL KNIGHTS challenged PHILTHRY (42-2079) 
(97-91-0,193) of HIGHLANDERS.  SIR YVAIN demolished PHILTHRY in a popular 2 minute 
one-sided Challenge melee.  Sir Yvain is top Slasher, while Philthry is top Parry-
Strike.

DIGITALIS (33-6862) (44-60-1,210) of OBSIDIAN HALL challenged PELIS THE TRUE (42-3469) 
(88-124-1,218) of HIGHLANDERS.  DIGITALIS bested PELIS THE TRUE in a popular 4 minute 
gory Challenge contest.  Digitalis is top Parry-Riposte.  Wouldn't you like to see him 
challenge Monsieur Chardinee?  Mr. True is our overall popularity leader.

GLAMDRING (33-2328) (75-50-1,294) of OBSIDIAN HALL fought ASSUR (18-7821) (116-157-
2,204) of ARROGANCE.  GLAMDRING subdued ASSUR in a 2 minute Title competition.  
Glamdring is our top TP and, of course, the Keeper of the Runeblade.  And he still 
didn't write a column or even an ad.  Assur is top Basher.

KILLER KARCH (69-5668) (19-14-2,182) of SAND KINGS fought JHAARAN (10-2017) (28-32-
2,169) of THE HOLY LEGION.  KILLER KARCH viciously subdued JHAARAN in a popular 5 
minute bloody duel.  Karch was voted this turn's favorite.

AELFWINE (82-23244) (30-17-0,206) of BLOODHAMMER CLAN fought BLIND BEGGAR (104-26) 
(40-35-0,200).  AELFWINE was overpowered by BLIND BEGGAR in a popular 2 minute 
mismatched brawl.  Aelfwine is top Lunger.

KANEN VILESTAR (31-6601) (24-11-0,191) of SHADOWHOLD fought BLIND BEGGAR (104-26) (40-
35-0,200).  KANEN VILESTAR lost to BLIND BEGGAR in an action packed 3 minute duel.  
Mr. Vilestar is our top Wall of Steel even though he lost to the Blind Beggar.  Argh!  
In fact, the Beggar defeated TWO stylemasters today.  What is Darkholm coming to?

KYLROI (40-4534) (34-17-0,154) of GRIZZLED VETERANS fought LOCAL CONSTABLE (104-22) 
(0-0-0,181).  KYLROI was vanquished by LOCAL CONSTABLE in a 1 minute uneven fight.

SIR LUCAN (60-9077) (30-23-0,164) of MYTHICAL KNIGHTS fought M. CHARDINEE (104-8) (0-
0-0,110).  SIR LUCAN vanquished M. CHARDINEE in an exciting 1 minute one-sided fight.  
Sir Lucan is our top Aimed Blow.

THE TEACH (7-6621) (30-23-3,93) of LADIES OF QUALITY fought GOLDEN SPIKE (1-1856) (18-
16-0,78) of OBELISK 005.    THE TEACH overcame GOLDEN SPIKE in a 2 minute bout.

MAJOR CINNAMON (97-6894) (6-5-4,34) of UNLIKELY HEROES 18W fought DRUNKEN FISHERMAN 
(104-1) (20-20-0,50).  MAJOR CINNAMON was overpowered by DRUNKEN FISHERMAN in a 3 
minute one-sided match.

THE RAVEN (51-3875) (20-8-2,44) of COLLEGE RADIO fought ZYRO (33-8118) (27-28-0,66) of 
OBSIDIAN HALL.  THE RAVEN viciously subdued ZYRO in an exciting 2 minute bloody 
battle.

So... that's all he wrote, eh?

                                          -- Malic of Talcama

KEEPER OF THE RUNEBLADE        W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 GLAMDRING 33-2328            76  50  1  300  OBSIDIAN HALL (1370)       NIYTYOLE ISLAND

GRAND CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS     W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 DIGITALIS 33-6862            45  60  1  218  OBSIDIAN HALL (1370)       NIYTYOLE ISLAND

GRAND CHAMPIONS                W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 BATTLE BANSHEE 47-7979       20  23  2  209  SPECTRAL STEEL (1386)      NORTH FORK
 SIR YVAIN 60-9076            26  22  2  207  MYTHICAL KNIGHTS (1384)    ARADI
 ASSUR 18-7821               116 158  2  202  ARROGANCE (732)            TALCAMA
 PELIS THE TRUE 42-3469       88 125  1  198  HIGHLANDERS (1341)         RODEKI
 AELFWINE 82-23244            30  18  0  193  BLOODHAMMER CLAN (1387)    DWES EG
 KANEN VILESTAR 31-6601       24  12  0  191  SHADOWHOLD (1405)          CHIMLEVTAL
 MIKEL 6-6190                 93 110  3  188  THE LADY'S LIST (917)      TRANSEL
 KILLER KARCH 69-5668         20  14  2  187  SAND KINGS (1118)          CIMMERIAC
 PHILTHRY 42-2079             97  92  0  182  HIGHLANDERS (1341)         RODEKI

GRAND CHALLENGER ADEPTS        W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 JHAARAN 10-2017              28  33  2  170  THE HOLY LEGION (490)      KOLACT
 SIR LUCAN 60-9077            31  23  0  166  MYTHICAL KNIGHTS (1384)    ARADI
 KYLROI 40-4534               34  18  0  151  GRIZZLED VETERANS (1378)   ZENSU

GRAND CHALLENGER INITIATES     W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 THE TEACH 7-6621             31  23  3   96  LADIES OF QUALITY (1404)   BONSUR

GRAND INITIATES                W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 GOLDEN SPIKE 1-1856          18  17  0   80  OBELISK 005 (1409)         MORDANT
 THE RAVEN 51-3875            21   8  2   63  COLLEGE RADIO (1365)       TRICORUS
 ZYRO 33-8118                 27  29  0   53  OBSIDIAN HALL (1370)       NIYTYOLE ISLAND
 MAJOR CINNAMON 97-6894        6   6  4   28  UNLIKELY HEROES 18W (1408) SHADOW GROVE

'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.

THE DEAD                   W   L  K TEAM NAME              SLAIN BY                  TURN

                               PERSONAL CORRESPONDENCE

Glamdring -- Saying "I was going to say something rude, but..."  IS saying something 
rude. -- Philthry

Battle Banshee -- Well, that surprised me.  And I have a question.  I'm a dwarf, 5'7".  
You're a Shewish Giant, 5'5".  How did that happen" -- Pelis the True

                                  LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS

BATTLE BANSHEE devastated MIKEL in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge fight.
SIR YVAIN demolished PHILTHRY in a popular 2 minute one-sided Challenge melee.
DIGITALIS bested PELIS THE TRUE in a popular 4 minute gory Challenge contest.
GLAMDRING subdued ASSUR in a 2 minute Title competition.
KILLER KARCH viciously subdued JHAARAN in a popular 5 minute bloody duel.
AELFWINE was overpowered by BLIND BEGGAR in a popular 2 minute mismatched brawl.
KANEN VILESTAR lost to BLIND BEGGAR in a action packed 3 minute duel.
KYLROI was vanquished by LOCAL CONSTABLE in a 1 minute uneven fight.
SIR LUCAN vanquished M. CHARDINEE in a exciting 1 minute one-sided fight.
THE TEACH overcame GOLDEN SPIKE in a 2 minute bout.
MAJOR CINNAMON was overpowered by DRUNKEN FISHERMAN in a 3 minute one-sided match.
THE RAVEN viciously subdued ZYRO in a exciting 2 minute bloody battle.

                                    BATTLE REPORT

             MOST POPULAR                        RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS     
|FIGHTING STYLE               FIGHTS        FIGHTING STYLE     W -   L -  K   PERCENT|
|SLASHING ATTACK                  3         BASHING ATTACK    14 -   8 -  0      64  |
|AIMED BLOW                       3         PARRY-RIPOSTE     12 -   7 -  0      63  |
|BASHING ATTACK                   3         AIMED BLOW        13 -   9 -  0      59  |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE                    2         TOTAL PARRY       11 -   9 -  0      55  |
|TOTAL PARRY                      2         PARRY-STRIKE       5 -   7 -  0      42  |
|PARRY-STRIKE                     2         SLASHING ATTACK    9 -  13 -  0      41  |
|LUNGING ATTACK                   2         WALL OF STEEL      4 -   6 -  0      40  |
|STRIKING ATTACK                  1         LUNGING ATTACK     8 -  15 -  0      35  |
|WALL OF STEEL                    1         STRIKING ATTACK    3 -   7 -  0      30  |
|PARRY-LUNGE                      0         PARRY-LUNGE        0 -   0 -  0       0  |

Turn 731 was great if you     Not so great if you used      The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles:     the fighting styles:          top eleven warriors are:

PARRY-RIPOSTE      2 -  0     AIMED BLOW         1 -  2         3  SLASHING ATTACK
STRIKING ATTACK    1 -  0     BASHING ATTACK     1 -  2         2  BASHING ATTACK 
SLASHING ATTACK    2 -  1     PARRY-LUNGE        0 -  0         1  TOTAL PARRY    
TOTAL PARRY        1 -  1     PARRY-STRIKE       0 -  2         1  PARRY-RIPOSTE  
                              LUNGING ATTACK     0 -  2         1  STRIKING ATTACK
                              WALL OF STEEL      0 -  1         1  LUNGING ATTACK 
                                                                1  WALL OF STEEL  
                                                                1  PARRY-STRIKE   

                               TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE

FIGHTING STYLE   WARRIOR                     W   L  K PNTS TEAM NAME                  
TOTAL PARRY      GLAMDRING 33-2328          76  50  1  300 OBSIDIAN HALL (1370)
PARRY-RIPOSTE    DIGITALIS 33-6862          45  60  1  218 OBSIDIAN HALL (1370)
STRIKING ATTACK  BATTLE BANSHEE 47-7979     20  23  2  209 SPECTRAL STEEL (1386)
SLASHING ATTACK  SIR YVAIN 60-9076          26  22  2  207 MYTHICAL KNIGHTS (1384)
BASHING ATTACK   ASSUR 18-7821             116 158  2  202 ARROGANCE (732)
LUNGING ATTACK   AELFWINE 82-23244          30  18  0  193 BLOODHAMMER CLAN (1387)
WALL OF STEEL    KANEN VILESTAR 31-6601     24  12  0  191 SHADOWHOLD (1405)
PARRY-STRIKE     PHILTHRY 42-2079           97  92  0  182 HIGHLANDERS (1341)
AIMED BLOW       SIR LUCAN 60-9077          31  23  0  166 MYTHICAL KNIGHTS (1384)

The overall popularity leader is PELIS THE TRUE 42-3469.  The most popular warrior 
this turn was KILLER KARCH 69-5668.  The ten other most popular fighters were THE 
RAVEN 51-3875, SIR YVAIN 60-9076, DIGITALIS 33-6862, PELIS THE TRUE 42-3469, 
GLAMDRING 33-2328, JHAARAN 10-2017, AELFWINE 82-23244, SIR LUCAN 60-9077, BATTLE 
BANSHEE 47-7979, and KANEN VILESTAR 31-6601.

The least popular fighter this week was KYLROI 40-4534.  The other ten least popular 
fighters were PHILTHRY 42-2079, ZYRO 33-8118, MAJOR CINNAMON 97-6894, ASSUR 18-7821, 
MIKEL 6-6190, GOLDEN SPIKE 1-1856, THE TEACH 7-6621, KANEN VILESTAR 31-6601, BATTLE 
BANSHEE 47-7979, and SIR LUCAN 60-9077.

Arena (Number)       W  L K  Arena (Number)       W  L K  Arena (Number)       W  L K  
MORDANT(1)           0  1 0  CHIMLEVTAL(31)       0  1 0  TRICORUS(51)         1  0 0  
TRANSEL(6)           0  1 0  NIYTYOLE ISLAND(33)  2  1 0  ARADI(60)            2  0 0  
BONSUR(7)            1  0 0  ZENSU(40)            0  1 0  CIMMERIAC(69)        1  0 0  
KOLACT(10)           0  1 0  RODEKI(42)           0  2 0  DWES EG(82)          0  1 0  
TALCAMA(18)          0  1 0  NORTH FORK(47)       1  0 0  SHADOW GROVE(97)     0  1 0  

TOP WARRIOR OF EACH ARENA     W   L  K PNTS  TEAM NAME                  CITY           
 GOLDEN SPIKE 1-1856         18  17  0   80  OBELISK 005 (1409)         MORDANT
 MIKEL 6-6190                93 110  3  188  THE LADY'S LIST (917)      TRANSEL
 THE TEACH 7-6621            31  23  3   96  LADIES OF QUALITY (1404)   BONSUR
 JHAARAN 10-2017             28  33  2  170  THE HOLY LEGION (490)      KOLACT
 ASSUR 18-7821              116 158  2  202  ARROGANCE (732)            TALCAMA
 KANEN VILESTAR 31-6601      24  12  0  191  SHADOWHOLD (1405)          CHIMLEVTAL
 GLAMDRING 33-2328           76  50  1  300  OBSIDIAN HALL (1370)       NIYTYOLE ISLAND
 KYLROI 40-4534              34  18  0  151  GRIZZLED VETERANS (1378)   ZENSU
 PELIS THE TRUE 42-3469      88 125  1  198  HIGHLANDERS (1341)         RODEKI
 BATTLE BANSHEE 47-7979      20  23  2  209  SPECTRAL STEEL (1386)      NORTH FORK
 THE RAVEN 51-3875           21   8  2   63  COLLEGE RADIO (1365)       TRICORUS
 SIR YVAIN 60-9076           26  22  2  207  MYTHICAL KNIGHTS (1384)    ARADI
 KILLER KARCH 69-5668        20  14  2  187  SAND KINGS (1118)          CIMMERIAC
 AELFWINE 82-23244           30  18  0  193  BLOODHAMMER CLAN (1387)    DWES EG
 MAJOR CINNAMON 97-6894       6   6  4   28  UNLIKELY HEROES 18W (1408) SHADOW GROVE

                      SUMMER FACE-TO-FACE IN ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA

We have planned our summer FTF for July 13-15, 2018, in Arlington, Virginia, only 7 
miles on a quick Metro ride from Washington, D.C.!.  It will be held at the Holiday 
Inn Arlington at Ballston.  Room rates are $79 per night on 7/12 and 7/15 and $129 on 
7/13 and 7/14, 1-2 occupancy.  There's free wireless throughout the property as well 
as a fitness center, outdoor pool, and business center, as well as a resturant and bar 
inside the hotel.  There is no airport shuttle and parking is $7/day.  The rooms are 
blocked -- ask for the Reality Simulations block.  Reservations must be made by 6/12.  
(As always if you have issues making reservations, please let us know!)  

                       Hotel site:  http://www.hiarlington.com 

Look for the tournament info sheet and minioverviews some time in June.  We hope 
you're all looking forward to it and that we will see you there!

                                          -- RSI

                             Mission to the Twisted Lands

                                     Episode One

     Old Brown could run pretty fast if properly motivated, but mostly he walked with 
a long-legged, distance-devouring stride.  He was a huge horse, a half-giant's 
warhorse, shaggy and self-assured, with muscles like half-buried boulders in his 
shoulders and hips.  Lounging in the saddle was the motivating force, the half-giant, 
Keel Woodhaven.  Although in his mind he was slouching and half-asleep, he sat up 
straight in the saddle since that is more comfortable for riding.
     It was twilight, stars coming out above and lights in farmhouse windows below.  
They traveled through vineyards, brown and fallow now in the winter, descending gently 
toward the tree-crowded coast.  The distant trees, not just pines, were green.  They 
stayed green because the marsh that surrounded the city-state of Bonsur had hot 
springs in it.
     Keel Woodhaven had always liked Bonsur.  It had a relaxed feel about it, the 
women seemed prettier, the music was great, everyone thought about having fun.  And 
the booze was excellent, of course.  He passed the arena at the edge of town, and 
paused to read the current statistics, posted on the gate and lit by a lantern.  So, 
an elven cobbler was the Duelmaster?  Why would a shoemaker take up such a painful 
profession?  Then he noticed the team name:  Shewish Picnic.  He snorted.  That 
explained it, all right.  As a half-Shew, he was kind of bothered by that team theme, 
which was present in Home Guard as well.  It was sort of funny though.  He saw that 
Elf Cobbler was headed for the Isle.  Probably not bound for Home Guard just yet, 
though.
     They passed a small chicken ranch.  A rooster uttered an untimely crow.  At about 
that time, Old Brown took exception to something and bolted.  Cussing, Keel hauled on 
the reins, to little effect since the horse was stronger than him and apparently 
frightened.  He didn't see the masked men coming out of their hiding places behind 
him, looking frustrated.  At least not until a crossbow bolt thunked into the backside 
of his leather cuirass. His horse screamed and ran faster.
     Hauling Old Brown to the left as they passed a set of big open gates into a well-
lighted courtyard, Keel got them behind the shelter of the high stone wall, and patted 
the horse's sweaty neck.  "You're okay now, friend.  I'll go take care of those 
bozos."
     As he dismounted, he noticed he was becoming surrounded by uniformed men, some 
with swords and some with halberds.
     "Howdy?" he said, hoping they were friendly.
     "Your horse has been shot," said someone, pointing at a bolt sticking out of Old 
Brown's butt.
     "Well damn!"  Keel laid a comforting hand on the horse's flank, which quivered.
     "So have you," the guard continued.
     "Yeah, thought so.  Doesn't feel like it got through the armor though."  Keel 
tried to look over his shoulder, but could only see the feathered end of the bolt.  
"Who are you guys?"
     "We are the Queen's Guard."
     "What?  Queen Gemra?  Okay, please take care of Old Brown here, and I'll go find 
the ***holes that shot him."
     "Sir, you are mistaken.  You will be taken to a doctor.  We will arrest the 
assailants."
     "Hey!  I'm on a mission from Sheila Greywand.  Anyway, they shot my horse.  My 
HORSE!  I'm gonna get 'em."  Unslinging his huge sword, Keel strode toward the gate.
     Four Guardsmen came with him, flanking him like the trailing ends of a flock of 
geese.  They might have intended a different formation, but he had the longest legs 
and walked the fastest.  The one who'd spoken to him before said, "I'm Corporal Brat 
Langerman.  And you are?"
     "Keel Woodhaven."
     "I've heard of you!  The Queen will want to meet you."
     "That's fine.  Let's stick to the sides of these buildings.  If they're still 
around, we'll be targets in the middle of the street."
     They weren't quiet, exactly, since the guards wore highly polished chain mail 
which jingled.  However, Bonsur had a lively night life.  Music and laughter came from 
bars and nightclubs on adjacent streets, people lingered on corners chatting and 
sometimes playing instruments, and children hawked newssheets, shoeshines, flowers, a 
selection of rouges, and offered to carry packages.  So the sounds the guards made 
weren't too noticeable.
     Keel led the way back to the chicken ranch.  He was thinking that the bad guys 
wouldn't have waited around to be hunted.  They might have left clues, though.  
Perhaps even a discarded, crumpled note offering a cash reward for his head, and 
signed by a notorious crimelord.  Or distinctive cigar stubs, monogrammed hankies... 
personalized masks.  Tracks of boots made by elven cobblers.  Anything.  Witnesses, 
even.
     There were no people on the street near the chicken ranch.  It was full night 
now, a bit chilly although there was a warm and slightly funky breeze from the marsh.
     Corporal Brat Langerman said quietly, "Is this where it happened?"
     "Yup."
     "Well, I don't think they're here anymore."
     Keel was about to agree, when a crossbow bolt appeared in the Corporal's arm.  
The young man hissed, "Everybody down!"
     The guardsmen hunkered against the wall of a hardware store, which didn't offer 
anything resembling good cover except that they were in shadow there.  Keel crouched a 
little, but he knew he was a pretty big target, plus his sword gave off a faint 
greenish glow.  He looked around, searching the darkness for signs of their foes.
     A shadow on top of a shaded walkway across the street shifted a little.  Keel 
pulled a weighted dart out of his pocket and hurled it.  He was good at tavern darts, 
but it was dark, the distance was too great, and he just wasn't lucky.  The little 
missile clattered against the shingles of the porch roof.  There was a startled twitch 
from the half-seen form.  At that instant, Keel lunged across the street.  His long 
legs carried him across to the opposite shadows in three bounds.  More bolts came out 
of the darkness, one lodging in his calf, the others missing him altogether.
     Now the Guardsmen had a good idea where their foes were, and it takes a while to 
reload a crossbow.  The four men charged, yelling wildly.  Tucking his sword under his 
arm, Keel grabbed one of the posts holding up the porch roof, strained, and dislodged 
it.  After a moment he yanked it out of the structure entirely.  The roof sagged, 
there was a yelp of surprise, and someone's foot appeared off the edge of it.  Keel 
grabbed him by the ankle and hauled him the rest of the way down.
     There were brief sounds of fighting, then footsteps that rapidly receded down an 
alley.  Three Guardsmen raced off in pursuit.  Keel's prisoner started to try to get 
away, so the half-Shew tossed him up, grabbed him by the arms and bashed him against 
the wall.
     "Are you okay?" asked Brat, sheathing his sword.
     "Took one in the leg, but it's not too bad I think," Keel said, shifting his 
unconscious prisoner to one hand and bending to pick up his sword.
     "I'll help you tie that one up," Brat said.  "There's a dead one here.  I think 
there were two more."  He grunted slightly, trying to reach something with his injured 
arm.  "Got some ties in my right-hand belt pouch.  If you could get them for me?"
     They bound the prisoner, then bandaged each other.
     "What did they want?" asked the Corporal.
     Keel shrugged.  "No clue.  Let's get him somewhere safe and we can ask him..."  
He listened.  "Your guys are coming back."
     "Yeah."
     The Guardsmen hadn't been able to track their assailants in the darkness, but at 
least there were no further injuries.  The group of them returned warily to the 
courtyard of the Guard House, where a woman was smearing some kind of ointment on Old 
Brown's wound.  After the horse was bedded down in the stable, the Guardsmen led Keel 
into their office, where there was a welcome scent of fresh coffee.  The medic set 
about binding Keel's wound and that of the Corporal, who turned out to be an extremely 
handsome man.  Keel remembered hearing that Queen Gemra required her Guardsmen to be 
good looking.  That didn't mean they weren't competent, though.  Brat had done pretty 
well.
     The medic roused their prisoner with smelling salts.  They all sat in the main 
office, Corporal Langerman facing the miscreant, who was seated in a cushioned chair, 
looking reasonably comfortable except for his bandaged head.  "All right," said Brat.  
"Now I want you to tell me that you're going to turn Queen's Evidence."
     "Not on your life, pretty boy!"  The man had, perhaps, some excuse for hard 
feelings since he was more homely than not, with a crooked nose and eyes set too close 
together.  He and Keel looked shabby and ill-favored amongst all these gleamingly 
handsome Guardsmen.
     Keel leaned forward.  "You guys shot my horse."
     "Oh.  Sorry, didn't mean to do that.  We were just shooting at you."
     "Why?"
     "Glowing sword."
     "What?"
     "Duh, it's a magic sword!  We saw it when you drew it in Delarq Tor, and figured 
we could sell it so we followed you."
     The half-Shew snorted.  "The Dentless isn't magic.  It was in a Chaos Gate for 
five hundred years and it picked up some energy, that's all.  All it does, is glow.  
And cut things."
     The bandit looked chagrined.  "But... it's got to be magic."
     "Ain't.  Sorry kid."
     After that, Keel was taken to enjoy a sumptuous dinner at the Palace.  Queen 
Gemra was a definite babe, with long, silken black hair, a delicate pouty face, and 
luscious curves.  She asked him about his mission, which was to go to the Twisted 
Lands and shut down a leaking Chaos Gate.  He entertained her with the story of his 
adventure on the Two-Shew Express, and she gave him a brown velvet cloak to show her 
appreciation.  She did not invite him to her bed, which was fine because his heart 
belonged to another, always and forever.
     
                                      * * * * * 

                           This is a continuing adventure.  
         Watch for future chapters in the Bonsur and Home Guard newsletters!